#so i guess the devs left room for an upgrade?

[eimearkuopio]

We've got time. It will be enough. ❤️

Look, I'm not saying that it's our place as an organisation to dictate who does and does not get to claim monsterhood. I'm just saying that when the membership of the organisation in question includes a sphinx, a bridge troll, several mysterious hermits, and a pair of goblins where one of them always tells the truth and the other always lies, "no gatekeeping" is a policy that needs to be approached with nuance.

[nagalias-mindscape]

that last jinzhou casket was put there by some sadistic dev taking out his anger at underpaid overtime on the players

then there's the chests. at least you can look up and keep track of the other exploration points but the chests are impossible to 100% unless you've kept note of which have been found from the very beginning. otherwise you have to quadruple check ever nook and cranny

i love the casket sonar but i do think it should be upgraded after a certain point since it gets harder to search the more you've explored

I mean, that would not surprise me in the slightest- the sonar casket being placed there by an upset / devious dev, I mean. It makes you stop and think, and explore around for a way to get there. You can argue it's artificially making things harder, but I kind of enjoyed the foggy view on my glide down from the mountain top. So far, that's been the only that's really stumped me- I've enjoyed everything else to varying degrees.

As for the chests, I don't know. I kind of like that you have to use a combination of the lootmapper and the sensor to find everything. What gets me is the fact that sometimes you have to do hidden quests to get those chests (for example- the lighthouses), and sometimes the chest icon doesn't pop so I run away before realizing a few hours later that I probably need to backtrack to who knows where for it. Other times you gotta progress further into the story line to unlock things- like me not realizing there's a spot in the Court of Savantae Ruins that you can't do until you get to it via the main story line (guess how long I spent trying to find a third battery or a way to get one of the two batteries I had placed into the room with me to convert it around and use it to open a chest). It probably doesn't help that I refuse to look things up or use an interactive map for the sake of immersion until I've absolutely reached the end of my patience for things.

As for the casket sonar itself, I've only used it the once, so I can't say much for or against it. The one use I had for it was very helpful! If that's because I was in the general vicinity or because it was literally the only one left for that region, I don't know.

[emmys-grimoire]

Lesson 57 analysis + 58 predictions

It's less exciting than anticipated, probably.

tl;dr Summary

We start asleep, but overhearing Satan + Belphegor plotting to prank us. You can choose how to surprise and foil them. They're just here to tell you breakfast is ready. Belphegor finally rewards you with the star of diligence: MC is one star away from completing the exam and earning their sorcerer's license.

Lucifer is eager to make MC a full-fledged sorcerer because he could use them to ward off Solomon's advances, which apparently he's still making. Asmo tells us that Solomon is very picky, and driven, when he's choosing who to pact with.

And he's apparently very adamant about getting Lucifer.

The others note that Mammon and Leviathan are acting unusual, and they clearly are very distracted. We decide to ignore the strangeness for now and answer Barbatos's summons to Hotel Corvo.

And guess who is also being summoned!

We arrive, and Diavolo informs us that there's an evil phantom now haunting the hotel. Not just any ol' phantom, though: a bogeyman.

Apparently they're pretty tough and might have the upperhand against demons. They take the form of what their victims' fear most. They put several hotel guests in the hospital.

We find out that the reason why Mammon and Leviathan are being so weird is because they know they're responsible for the bogeyman being in Hotel Corvo: they went wild with Crowe upgrades and summoned it accidentally, then ordered Crowe to teleport it to Hotel Corvo after it transformed into Lucifer and scared them out of their wits.

Obviously, Lucifer's not happy! Barbatos assigns him to "fix" the problem. The brothers want to leave Mammon and Leviathan to do it on their own, but of course we can't have that.

Diavolo also seems keen on joining, but Barbatos turns on the scary fake smile and Diavolo relents.

Then the others show up! It sounds like it wasn't a planned get-together, but Solomon is eager to make the best of it. He wants to make our quest to banish the bogeyman MC's final trial.

Simeon is initially reluctant, but MC convinces him to join.

And then we're off down a creepy hallway in the hotel. The lesson ends on a cliffhanger as the creature at the end of the hallway suddenly attacks us.

Don't worry, Lucy will save us, probably.

This is the start of the trial of humility.

Analysis

Barbatos's Plan

Probably the most noteworthy thing about this lesson is how clearly Barbatos is setting all this up, even though he has no visibly obvious motivation to do so. He's summoned everyone to the same location under different auspices and he's making sure Diavolo isn't around. We still didn't get any insight on what he and Lucifer talked about, but I think Lucifer's being deliberately steered by him in this direction, too.

Since this doesn't seem to be something he's coordinating with Solomon, it leads me to believe he's either doing something to foil Michael's plan or he's setting up some kind of trap for the guy. For whatever reason, he doesn't want anyone else to catch on just yet.

Simeon's reluctance to stick around and help us is also noteworthy: he probably has Michael plans on the brain, and his intuition is probably trying to warn him. Alas, he can't say no to you.

Also, the BG being a bunch of doors and keys probably means something. Barbatos's room has multiple doors which lead to multiple places, I think: can't remember if they're just portals to different parts of the three realms or different points in time, but if I was a betting gal, I'd put my money on the latter. It doesn't look like his room (it looks like an old hotel), but I wouldn't be surprised if these doors lead to "flashbacks" similar to the ones we ran into back in the fake House of Lamentation.

The Bogeyman and Lucy's fears

It's implied that the bogeyman has powers that may make it difficult for demons in particular to cull. It sounds something an angel might be effective against, though, because Solomon insists Simeon accompany the group just in case "things go south". Though Simeon seems unsure if he can actually be effective against it.

Who do you think is stronger than Simeon, who is an archangel who was once a seraphim? He could just be downplaying his power, too: he's less threatening that way.

The bogeyman also has the ability to take the form of whoever or whatever his victim fears the most: we discover that Mammon and Leviathan fear Lucifer the most when they initially summon it.

This trial is 100% going to involve Lucifer facing what he fears the most. My guesses: it'll be either Father or Michael. They can do the former if MC doesn't necessarily see the same form Lucifer sees (they likely fear something different)... but if whatever form the bogeyman takes is noticeable to everyone observing it, then it's going to be Michael because I don't think the devs are going to give God a tangible form for reasons.

Why Lucifer could fear Michael? Simple: not only was Michael the one capable of bringing him low during the Great Celestial War, but he may know Lucifer better than anyone. All his strengths, but more importantly, all his weaknesses. Lucifer fears being exposed as flawed and imperfect, particularly by those he considers his lessers. It's also not the first time he's expressed something akin to fear re: Michael.

Another possibility is Lilith. He could fear facing her after failed to protect her. That'd be difficult to manage on-screen, though, for obvious reasons. They haven't given Lilith a canon appearance yet and it's in their best interest not to because they've been using MC as the Lilith expy in the Celestial Realm flashbacks.

Whoever or whatever it is, it'll be fun.

Solomon and his pacts

Another thing this lesson did was remind us that Solomon really, really wants a pact with Lucifer. We found out a couple lessons ago that his whole motivation behind forging a pact with Asmo was his interest in Lucifer.

Up until this point, Solomon has been pretty upfront with his desires and usually backs down when they deny his request to make a pact. He asked Belphegor back in Season 1, and he hasn't brought it up again after he was rejected.

This doesn't seem to be the case with Lucifer, though. His rejections have been ignored.

He's being unusually cavalier about this whole situation so maybe he would try to manipulate the current situation to wring a pact out of Lucifer, since he hasn't been deterred yet and something needs to change in order for him to get what he wants.

I don't know. Lucifer might be his blind spot, and something he wants badly enough to step over the line, so to speak. Why he wants Lucifer so bad is another head scratcher, but it could very well be because just because the guy is incredibly powerful.

Or this is just another red herring meant to make us suspicious of Solomon again. I guess we'll see.

Predictions

We have only three lessons left, and they set this lesson up as the lead into the climax, which is going to be later than where it was in season 2. But it can't afford to happen much later. 58 will give us the first half of the climax at least, and I won't be surprised if it wraps it up entirely in one lesson so we can have both 59 and 60 to say our goodbyes. It'll feel pretty rushed otherwise.

Michael's showing up in some capacity. I'm much more willing to bet on a face reveal now than I was at the beginning of the season: we haven't heard anything from him directly since the first flashback -- not even another chat -- and he hasn't even officially introduced himself yet. But we've been hearing all about him this season, and they've made it a point to let us know he's working on something behind the scenes. It feels like most of this season was softening the ground for his arrival, and he'll drop in to get us hyped for the next season.

I think we're headed back to the Celestial Realm, baby!

Luke's not with us at the haunted hotel, so he'll likely remain oblivious about what happened during the Great Celestial War until next season. Simeon's not gonna fall because he'll probably need to be our tour guide, and we have a bunch to explore about his background, too.

I was hoping we'd get some kind of conflict with the Sorcerer's Society as a part of the completion of the exam but I'm not sure if they can fit all that in now. Kind of disappointing: trying to smooth things over with them sounds much more interesting than Mammon + Levi just letting out a literal boogeyman. I don't think they're using their story themes as effectively as they could be. It's just Levi's tech going awry again, like it always does.

How I'll rate this season will depend entirely on what the climax actually turns out to be, but so far I'd rank it higher than season 2 but lower than season 1 because of the re-used tropes. Stop teasing us and just give us meaty conflict already.

[goldenretriever-nicknelson]

23 for the dialogue with peter? I really am gonna be sending 11 ideas 😂😘

I know Dev, I know. Here’s the second of your blurbs and oh my gosh if this isn't cute I don't know what is.

Word count: 1.5k (haha i’m not even surprised at his length)

Warnings: none except for some cliché fluff

“So did you ask her?”

Peter sighed, his phone tucked between his shoulder and his ear as he worked on drafting an upgrade for his web fluid. “Yeah but she said maybe.”

“Again?” Ned let out an exhale through the phone and Peter nodded even though his best friend couldn’t see him. His best friend seemed to pick up on it anyway. “I’m sorry dude. I guess it’s not meant to be.”

“Hey, it wasn’t a no.” Peter resumed his full attention to the phone conversation, kicking his feet up on his desk. “It’s just because Mr Stark doesn’t let her date.” He shrugged and pulled up his phone, hoping for there to be a text from Y/n, he sighed when the only notification was a message from May saying she was bringing takeaway home with her.

Ned continued to talk about the new video game he had brought and Peter hummed along, barely following the conversation as his mind lingered on Y/n Stark. He knew he could just give up but there was something in the way she looked at him with a blush, the teasing touches when her Dad wasn’t looking, the way her smile grew wider when he walked into the compound that made him ask her again.

“When will you finally decide to say yes and go on a date with me?”

Okay, maybe there were better ways to put it.

Peter screamed at himself internally, squeezing his eyes shut until he heard Y/n’s laugh. That sweet laugh that he’d heard around the compound so many times, his heart stopping with each beat of the melody as if he was listening to his favourite song.

She leaned forward, coming closer to him and smirked. “The moment you come up with the most unexpected date ever.” Peter’s eyes went wide as she winked before kissing the soft skin of his cheek. Tony came into the room and she quickly parted away, avoiding her father’s suspicious look and leaving with another smiles towards Peter.

Peter was hardly focused on the training for his new web shooter combinations that day. His mind raced with ideas of dates, each one less adventurous than the next. At the end of the day he was sighing, a scowl on his face.

“What’s wrong kid?”

“Hmm?” Peter looked up at his mentor and raised his eyebrows. “Oh it’s nothing.”

“Come on you seem more distracted today than usual.” Tony smirked, eyebrow quirking. Peter sighed, running a hand down his face.

“Mr stark I said I’m sorry for shooting Mr Rhodes with that taser web.”

Tony laughed at the memory, knowing that Rhodey was still somewhere annoyed. “Not about that. Who’s the girl?” He watched Peter’s cheeks flame red, eyes widening and his mouth opening and closing like a stunned fish.

Peter gulped, thinking quickly on his feet. If he asked for advice about dating surely it would only confirm any suspicions he might have, on the other hand he was stuck in a rut, only thinking of milkshake dates and bowling.

“Um well, there’s this girl and I really like her.” Peter looked down at his hands that he was wringing together out of nerves. Tony smiled, of course he knew who the girl was, he’d watched them interact with each other ever since he’d recruited Peter. And whilst he had a strict outlook on Y/n dating because he didn’t want anyone to break her heart but he knew Peter was a good kid.

“Have you asked her out?” Tony asked the question purely from curiosity, measuring Peter’s reaction.

“Yeah but she said she wanted an unexpected date. I don’t even know what that means?” Peter shrugged his shoulders up, hands gesturing wildly.

“Something outside of the box.” Tony swivelled in his chair and shrugged as if the answer was obvious. He supressed his smirk at his daughter asking only for the best.

“Like what?” Peter looked hopelessly, hoping for an answer but Tony wasn’t going to let him off that easy.

“You could literally fly her anywhere.”

Tony smirked before getting up and showing Peter out, telling him to be careful of using certain web combinations he hadn’t got the hang of yet. Peter rolled his eyes but nodded anyway after Tony’s glare.

Fly her anywhere…. Peter repeated the words in his brain as he sat at his desk, pen between his teeth and a list of ideas in front of him. He was just looking at a picture of New York he had snapped a while back when a lightbulb went off above his head.

~

Peter took a deep breath, looking through the window to make sure Y/n was there before making a fist and knocking on her window. She visibly jumped, looking up from her book and to the window. Her eyes squinted to see the red and blue suit against the darkness of night.

Y/n shook her head and Peter heard the end of her laugh as she opened the window. He smiled beneath the mask mirroring her own one only with less shock. “Pete? What are you doing here?”

He was happy the mask was still covering his face because the blush on his cheeks was probably now a matching colour to the red of his suit. “I’m here to take you on the most unexpected date ever.” Peter said it as if it was obvious and he took his mask off just so Y/n could see the happy smirk on his lips. Y/n’s eyes widened with surprise before she bit her lip and told him to wait one second.

Peter waited as she left her room, speaking to her Dad about going to sleep early before she came back quickly with an excited smile that made Peter’s stomach flutter. He waited on the fire escape, facing the beautiful New York city skyline, waiting only a moment before Y/n climbed out of the window, now dressed in jeans and a cute t-shirt.

“Let’s go.” Y/n smiled at him and Peter almost forgot what he was meant to be doing as he got lost in the way her eyes crinkled and her cheeks blushed. He was brought back down to earth only by Y/n grabbing his hand.

“Okay hold on tight.” Peter nodded, heart hammering as Y/n wrapped her arms around his neck. He smiled before putting his mask back on and shooting a web to the next building. Y/n’s legs instinctively wrapped around his waist and she screamed. Peter laughed and held her tighter as he kept swinging through Queens.

“I’ve got you.” He kept saying along with other reassurances as Y/n nodded, screams decreasing to squeals as she buried her head in his shoulder. Peter was so used to web-swinging now that he forgot how scary it was.

When they finally landed at the destination Peter had in mind, Y/n sighed in relief as her feet hit the ground. Peter smiled, blushing as Y/n kept clinging to him, eyes shut tightly. “Hey Y/n, it’s okay.”

She looked up at him and smiled, nodding as she untangled herself from him. Peter missed her warmth which was a contrast to the bitter cold air as soon as she was gone and he suddenly wished he hadn’t said anything.

Y/n gasped as she looked around. They were on top of the Queensboro bridge, the lights of the city illuminated beneath them and the sounds of the city whirring on in the background. Y/n looked around before seeing Peter sitting with a takeaway pizza in front of him from her favourite pizza place.

He patted the space next to him and she giggled before taking the spot. They chatted and laughed as they admired the city life behind them that seemed so unimportant. It felt as if it was just the two of them against all else in that moment.

“So what do you think?” Peter bit his lip as he turned to Y/n, breath hitching as he noticed the proximity. She met his eyes and smiled.

“Definitely unexpected.” Y/n nodded with a giggle as she ate her last slice of pizza happily. A couple of moments passed before she shivered. Peter got the blanket he had brought and wrapped it around her shoulders tightly as well as his arm, hoping to bring her some warmth. She sighed contently before looking up, finding his eyes already staring at her. They both shook lightly and it had nothing to do with the cold.

“Can-can I do something else unexpected?” Peter’s voice was quiet but they were so close that she could hear it even as a car beeped loudly on the bridge. His eyes were focused on her lips. She nodded with a hopeful smile, eyes a light with happiness and partial amusement.

He leaned down to close the gap slowly, giving Y/n an opportunity to back out if she wanted but she didn’t. Peter sighed in relief as their lips connected. They both kissed each other back, noses bumping lightly as Peter tried to pull her closer, hands cupping her jaw. Her lips tasted like pizza and strawberry lip balm, Peter felt himself get hooked on how her lips felt.

And as both of the teenagers explored their feelings high above the city below, neither one of them had ever felt happier even when they parted, heavy breathing mingling together in the cold air as they smiled at each other. 

“You know it’s not unexpected if you ask.” 

“Shut up.” 

Their laughs filled the air in their own little world before Peter kissed her again. 

[ursafilms]

Can We Hold The Line At One Suicide Per Owner? Or Is There Something I Should Know Before Moving In?

Chapter 4 – The Invention of the FAX Machine, or a Poltergeist, or Something

The fax machine was, at the time, a piece of modern technology that signaled the end of the United States Postal Service . . . which the USPS and the sycophants in Congress have ignored. And it continues to bring us execrable service, high prices, and damaged deliveries.

It also cut down on bike messengers shooting up in your company’s bathroom and mislaying crucial documents leading to the following conversations:

Irate Joe Client: “Where the heck is the XXXXXXXXXXX? It was supposed to be here hours ago!”Me: “According to Crystal Methengers it was delivered and signed by Irate Joe Client.”Irate Joe Client: “Impossible. That’s me.”Me: “Look at the hand not holding your phone.”<CLICK>

The advent, therefore, of the FAX machine was a boon, not only to anyone who took sadistic pleasure in the overreactive meltdowns of clients . . .

. . . uh, that would be me.

But also yearned for a more efficient way of delivering the simplest of messages.

However, when the thing goes off at 3am, you have to wonder what in the world could be so crucial as to warrant 37 pages of legalese marching through the machine and landing on the carpet in your home office. Adding to the spike in my heart rate, the proximity of the FAX. It sat in the home office, a room right next to our master bedroom.

My wife could sleep through an event such as a mushroom cloud blossoming in our backyard, but I had the REM depth of a bloodhound. I ejected myself out of our bed and landed on the floor in front of the FAX and waited for the remaining pages. When I focused on the readout, it said, “Page 2 of 37.”

I made a cup of tea. Read two chapters of Stephen King’s Insomnia. I walked down to our garage and started a load of laundry.

The FAX ground out the last of the pages and I spread them out on my home office desk and read the top page. It was our formal offer to the estate of 310 Twin Peaks Blvd., dated in the Autumn of 1993. Of course the calendar now read September of 1995.

The estate of 310 Twin Peaks Blvd. conveniently glossed over the “Offer Valid for 30 Days” language at the top of the form. The estate also decided to send the 35 pages of boiler plate terms and conditions. The only parts of an offer sheet necessary are the first page, which has the specs and contingencies, and the last page, which contains the signatures.

I paper clipped the document, and went back to bed, where Lee slumbered. I passed a hand mirror under her nose. It fogged.

“Who was that?” She croaked out.

“The FAX fairy left us a surprise.”

“Can it wait until morning?”

“It is morning, but it can wait a few more hours.”

“Shmaldodaeislehnfieodnwneidjfjfieoanfanfnieoaaodnd.”

“I love you too.”

****

Genuine morning arrived around four hours later. Vickie and Joan called.

“The office received a fax last night,” said Joan.

“You mean this morning at 3am.”

Papers rustled.

“How did you know that?”

“I’m holding the clone in my hands, or you’re holding the clone,” I said. “No matter. We both have an offer in hand that expired about two years ago.”

“Vickie and I spoke to the agent for the estate,” said Joan. “They’re ready to revise the acceptance of the offer, if you’ll buy the house as is.”

“Did IQs drop in Chicago recently?” I asked.

“Not that we know of. Why?”

“Because it clearly states on the two year old front page that we had removed all the contingencies and that we are aware of the death on the premises; the leak into the kitchen; and the need for an electrical upgrade. We also are willing to do a complete inspection and compare it to the original property lines so we know where 310 Twin Peaks boundaries begin and end.”

“Yes, you did.” “Then what are the next steps?”

“We will issue an updated offer, which means we’ll take this one and put it into the new legal document. Should we assume you’re sticking with the $830,000 price?”

“Sure,” I volunteered. “Given how long they’ve screwed around, they’ve lost even more money on the deal.”

“Yes, that’s ironic.”

“Do we want to take a walk-through?” I asked.

“Yes,” said Vickie, the most pragmatic of our foursome. “I’ve already set it up for today, if you can make it, with the house’s caretaker.”

“Caretaker?”

“Yes, someone has been living on the premises for the past two years.”

“Anything unusual about them?”

“What do you mean?”

“Undead. Uh, vampire. Ghost, maybe? You know the usual questions. Have you ever seen the TV Show with the Crypt Keeper in it? That’s what I’m expecting to see when we get there today.”

“You’ll be disappointed. He’s a living, breathing person named John.”

“Darn.”

****

Off we went to take a perfunctory schlep through 310 Twin Peaks. We pulled into the parking area, conveniently located directly in front of the house. For some reason the highly efficient government of the city of San Francisco had opted not to spend any money on a sidewalk on the western side of Twin Peaks Boulevard. This parsimoniousness on the bureaucracy’s part allowed several cars to park, without restrictions, in a perpendicular fashion to the street. Over the course of our ownership, three abandoned cars took up residence in this “lot” for several months. I had to call the police on all of them to get them removed.

One of them belonged to my neighbor up the street, which I did not know, because the layer of dust on the vehicle accumulated to the point of obscuring the find gold metallic paint job.

Perhaps he should have driven it once in a while. Just a guess.

Lee and I exited the car and looked up at the house. It stared back at us in a benign fashion, which made me distrust the place even more than when we had seen it two years prior. Feel free to take in the aerial photograph posted below, but do not be fooled by its apparent beauty.

We worked our way up the 52 steps that led to the front door. John, a harmless looking individual sporting a weak attempt at winning a Tom Selleck lookalike contest greeted us at the front door.

“Getting ready for Halloween?” I asked. Lee, Vickie, and Joan took a step away from me.

“Perhaps,” he replied, not getting the joke.

“Halloween?” Asked Vickie.

“George is referring to my striking likeness to Magnum P.I.,” said John, getting the joke.

“Of course,” said Vickie.

We cruised through the house. If John had done any straightening up, it did not jump out at us, but then again, the place had not suffered during his occupancy.

The kitchen walls had deteriorated further, through no fault of John. The electrical system still needed a facelift. And the previous owner was still room temperature.

In addition, the following items needed to be addressed as soon as we moved in.

1.  We needed to re-engineer the garage to accommodate a second vehicle.2.  The driveway had to be excavated and the concrete poured to widen it.3.  The brick steps had enough moss on them to qualify for an EPA inspection. A power washing was in order.4.  Weeds and vines had taken over the backyard. Our gardener from 661-28th Street would be brought in for what looked like a two week job.

Of course we had to actually buy the house.

“What’s the verdict?” Asked Vickie, as we negotiated the front steps, doing our best to avoid skidding down the moss chute to Twin Peaks Boulevard.

“Let’s submit the offer at $830,000,” said Lee, who turned to me, “You and I just have to be prepared to have contractors on the property for about the next three years.”

“Agreed.”

“Alright,” said Joan. “Today is September 30th. How long of a close do you want?”

“A month,” I said. “We should talk to a few contractors and get someone out to look at the patio, which is where that leak is coming from. And maybe the same person can also take on the garage and the driveway. I’ll call Dev to deal with the electric. He can do that in about a day.”

Joan pulled out a Day Timer.

“You want to close on Halloween?” Her voice rose a couple octaves on the last word.

“No, Joan,” I said with a laugh. “I want to take possession on Halloween!”

Chapter 5 – Give Me the Sage and Stand Back

And we did. Halloween night, 1995, we became the owners of 310 Twin Peaks Blvd. As a boy from South Jersey, the only thing that, uh, spooked me might have been the oncoming rainy season and a kitchen wall that had dry-rotted from an incessant leak.

Our Marin County friend, Deborah Collins, had something more astral planar in mind.

“You have to sage the house,” she declared after arriving to check the place out on the our first morning as owners.

“I am not sage-ing a house,” I replied.

“You have to.”

“Is that somewhere in California state property law?” I asked.

“Don’t be silly.”

“Silly? Of course. One of my best friends is going to light an herbal torch and shepherd it around my house in an effort to what? Decrease the likelihood of my adjustable rate mortgage heading north? You’re right. I’m being silly.”

“You’re such a cynic.”

“That too. Can we get this started?”

“Don’t be silly. We have to wait until it’s dark.”

“And why is that?”

“More effective.”

I turned to my patient wife, Lee.

“Can we move back to New York now?”

****

Darkness did arrive and if 310 Twin Peaks Boulevard had an intimidating aspect during the day, it only got worse with the sunset as the house leaned forward on the hillside more acutely. A combination of burned out walkway lights, a yellow front porch bulb, and an empty interior only helped with the threat. ****

John, God bless him, had cleared out . . . his stuff. There were still just enough remnants from the previous ownership to initiate a call to Sunset Scavenger and start the trash pick-up service earlier than our move dates of the last weekend in November. We still occupied our first home over on 28th Street, and would remain there until the Thanksgiving Holiday. Our buyer planned on moving in on December 7th.

I wish I was making that up given that the new owner was a young, Japanese woman.

“Too bad we couldn’t get Judy to move in during August.”

“August?” Asked Deborah.

Lee cast a hairy eyeball in my direction.

“Hiroshima and Nagasaki,” explained Lee.

“Yes, of course,” I said. “Then we move in on Armistice Day.”

“That’s World War I, dear.”

“I didn’t want to wait until Spring.”

Deborah pulled out a paper bag from Andronico’s. It contained several stalks, or sprigs, of sage, dried out for the past week or so. She took sliver of bamboo, also dried, and tied up the bunch. I had our fireplace lighter from our other house and flicked it.

“Not yet,” said Deborah.

“Is there a ritual, or something? A chant? Are we in the proper attire?”

I laughed, but stopped when I looked at Deborah. Her skin had gone white as a, ahem, ghost. Lee looked a little queasy as well.

“I’m not sure I can do this,” said Deborah.

“Me neither,” said Lee.

“Okay, you numbskulls, are you kidding? This was your idea. Actually it was both of your idea, if that’s a real sentence.”

“The house is so dark, and cold,” said Deborah.

“Yes, I don’t think the caretaker did a whole ton of caretaking. Doesn’t appear he had the slightest idea of how to turn a lightbulb in a socket.”

A floorboard creaked.

“What a cliché,” I said.

Deborah made a move for the front door.

“Give me the sage, Deborah.”

She handed it over. I lit it.

“Let’s go.”

“What?”

“As I said, this was your idea. We are saging this house.”

And we did. Every single room. The sage went out once in a while, but with the fireplace lighter on hand, that issue was remedied. We finished and I think the happiest of the three of us was Deborah Collins.

****

We lived

, worked, loved, and raised four-legged children for the next 22 years. There were no more strange paranormal coincidences. No one capped themselves on the premises. Things, save for a clumsy golden retriever named Harpo, did not go bump in the night.

Yes, Ozzie and Harriet were back, and except for the meth lab next door, the couple that insisted on feeding the raccoons, and the patio leak that took eight years to fix, 310 Twin Peaks Boulevard acquitted itself quite nicely in terms of domestic bliss.

And then we moved.

[retphienix]

Alright, it's about time I give this game a fair shake at things instead of just hating it from the bottom of my soul for an hour of gameplay over a decade ago.

Here’s the gist of the story.

FFT is quite possibly my favorite game. Most definitely my favorite FF game.

Many years ago I rarely purchased new games due to being a kid with no money, but a friend of my cousin had this game an I got a chance to play it (and FFX) for the first time when we visited once.

I hated it.

I ended up just playing FFX for the remainder of our visit, another game I don’t like too much.

This time around I’m doing things a little differently.

First off I’m older and more willing to accept a game for what it offers rather than what I demand it have due to expectations or namesake. Difficult in this case, but I promise to give the story it’s own room to grow.

Secondly I’m finishing the game regardless of anything so that I feel I get a truly fair shake at how all it’s features, story, and gameplay mechanics sit with me. (Not that I feel you have to beat a game to get a fair idea or opinion, but this is me judging for myself so that’s what I’m doing)

Third is that while I’m giving it a chance, I’m still going to complain about the things that bother me. The reason I’m playing is to see if it can change my mind or offer something I didn’t see before. I can stay open minded while still mentioning the things that urk’d me both 10 years prior and today.

Starting out you find that you are -

In ‘modern day non-descript-land’, I mean Ivalice that super fun place from FFT.

Not Ramza or anyone interesting from FFT

I quickly rectified that second point.

Neither of these are really negative on their own. Though the artstyle not being nearly as charming as FFT or interesting as it should be seeing as they did bother to use some nice details doesn’t help at all.

You’re introduced to a few interesting characters such as protagonist who isn’t Ramza but I’m calling Ramza from now on, Five-Head the girl, and shy bullied child.

In all truth, I don’t mind any of them so far.

Ramza hasn’t said or done anything to give him a character yet aside from caring for his brother.

Ritz (cracker) is loud and proud and inoffensive*.

And Mewt is... I already said all the characterization he’s been given.

They are all flat right now and I’m left to hope they expand from here. Unfair to say anything about them this early on because they’ve been given a grand total of 14 lines (split between them) to characterize themselves seeing as the wonderfully detailed spritework from FFT hasn’t popped up to give them characterization through animation.

*= She does offend in one way and that is by making the terrible artstyle PAINFULLY obvious. In FFT we had noseless characters whom I grew to love and find endearing. So far FFTA has upgraded the portraits by adding noses and by GIVING EVERYONE RIDICULOUSLY HUGE FOERHEADS. Everyone looks like eggs! I’m not a fan.

The first bit of gameplay we’re shown is a snowball fight and this ‘fight’ is a huge reason as to why I quit playing way back when.

It’s boring.

It’s dumb.

It doesn’t introduce gameplay efficiently or in an interesting way.

It doesn’t progress the story or push the characters strengths/weaknesses/traits or personalities.

It’s filler, as the start to their game.

You waste a few minutes of your life playing a small handful of rounds as you throw 1 damage snowballs at classmates and they do the same.

The only interesting thing I noticed was the lack of camera controls.

I will honest to god try my hardest not to do this often, but compare this to the first fight in FFT.

FFT has you start the game in a real engagement. The pre-fight intro was much more interesting with Olevia and carried urgency through the injured squire rushing through the door.

It got you interested in what the heck was going on immediately, and that was just the pre-fight. The fight itself was a REAL fight that had people dying and let you use a small array of moves to get a little bit of a handle on things while getting you interested in pushing further into the game by showcasing sweet abilities that you couldn’t do yet, but these clearly ‘end-game’ units could use.

In this one you throw snowballs. That’s the ONLY thing you can do. The pre-fight was silence followed by lining up to have a snowball fight, followed by one kid complaining and switching teams. No one does anything other than throw snowballs unless you count the end of the fight where someone throws a *gasp* snowball with a rock in it.

ANYWAY.

We finished the snowball fight, or rather it was interrupted by Mewt getting bullied, and we agree to join up after school to hang out. Mewt said he’s getting a sweet dnd handbook and Ramza invites him and Ritz over because it might cheer up my brother Doned (dumb name).

We do that, it’s a short visit.

Doned is a sickly character who feels like he exists to give Ramza depth. That feels cheap. Ignoring that he’s fine I guess. He’s just bored and wants some joy, which makes the premise of this game seem like a possibly outlet for him seeing as we’re about to be transported to a mystical land of possibility.

We look at the book, immediately say it must be magic despite it not showcasing anything magic to us. Our reasoning is literally that since we can’t read the language it must be magic, lucky coincidence.

Our guests leave the shortest visit ever and that night the book transforms the town of Ivalice into the continent of Ivalice (Neither Ivalice is thematically the same as the Ivalice from FFT so honestly I don’t care and wish it had a different name).

Entering this strange new world immediately throws us some curve balls.

It tells us that there are plenty of new races in the world. That’s kind of cool.

It tells us that there are Judges for every battle. THAT’S THE LAMEST THING EVER AND IS WHY I IMMEDIATELY STOPPED PLAYING AS A KID.

And it implies that it might be too scared to show death in this title compared to FFT seeing as this fight ends with the enemy knocked to his knees and TAKEN TO JAIL for breaking the rules. Lame.

Ignoring that and hoping for the best, we’re introduced to a moogle and dragged along to his clan which he lets us name as we will presumably be making all the leadership decisions regardless of any title we’re given.

Weird, but I like clan mentality things in games. Just.... I didn’t even become leader or anything and I’m naming them and undoubtedly leading them now.

Ok.

I chose the only name befitting Ramza and his misfit gang of do-gooders. Heretics, as we were in the Ivalice of old.

This is where I begin my new adventure.

I may end up mentioning these complaints way down the line but

1. I’ll also throw in that whenever a new location is discovered via plot reasons YOU LITERALLY CHOOSE WHERE IT EXISTS IN THE MAP. I don’t really like this. Like at all. If it’s meant to make me feel empowered in some way, or add thematically to SOMETHING it doesn’t feel right and it just makes the map look like a stupid mess to me that I’m supposed to fill in because the devs couldn’t figure out how to make a world.

2. Classes are separated among the various races. You can’t become every class. Each class is basically race exclusive. I really don’t like this and I don’t feel like explaining how limiting, arbitrary, and annoying this is.

[thelongestdamnreviews]

Rockman EXE WS

I'm using a translation patch, so the title screen's been changed. 

After going through Network Transmission, I decided to try the other Battle Network-flavored sidescroller platformer Mega Man, Rockman EXE WS.  This game for the Wonderswan Color actually released a month before Network Transmission in Japan (almost to the day even), so I guess this game actually came first.  For the first clear, it took me around 38 minutes, a second clear at 1 hour 18 minutes, 100% at 1 hour 23 minutes, and finally the third loop was finished at 1 hour 42 minutes.  There is a translation patch that I used to understand the text and story too, thus the English in these screenshots.  I'll call the game by the Japanese title but I'll use English names for characters and stuff, to keep it easier on everyone.

  TLDR The Good 

Great spritework - While the quality might not be equal to the GameBoy Advance, I was kind of impressed by how well-done the sprites were.  Some enemies are different sizes compared to how they are in the regular Battle Network game, but you can still tell which one is which easily.  Just be ready for them to attack differently than you're used to!  MegaMan has a pretty big variety of sprites, from his aggressive pose becoming a regular standing animation to having a critical health pant, and every Style has one of these too!  Even minor things like changing the shape of his Buster in different Styles wasn't glossed over. 

Interesting concepts - Not only do you eventually get Styles that change your element as well as certain parameters, you can slot in up to four different chips for immediate use.  Some chips are single-use, while others replace the Mega Buster with an infinite-use attack while activated and some others provide some sort of buff as long as they're equipped.

 Replay value - Considering you need to go through the game twice to see everything due to the way the game's set up, there's a reason to keep going after seeing the credits the first time.  I'm not sure if you can 100% the game in just two rounds, but three doesn't take that long either. 

Though the elements change based on the Style, your charged shot will always behave the same even if using HeatGuts or WoodShield, unlike the home series.  

TLDR The Bad

Please do stop the music - I'm not sure where the blame lies with this (the composer or the hardware) but it sounded like none of the songs had actual held notes, instead there was quick two-note warbling in quite a few songs.  None of the songs really stood out to me, not that I played it for very long for any one to catch on, but I dunno if they'd be better if they were simply on a different system or what.  Consider that the original GameBoy had catchy tunes and even the Mega Man games that didn't have ports of the NES games' soundtracks counted there too.  What happened? 

Level design/difficulty - I can't condense what I have to say about this to a short paragraph, so watch for the several later in the review. 

The story flow is pretty messy - It seems to follow the basic plot of the first Battle Network (Lan receives MegaMan, they murder scores of viruses and Navis, they destroy the LifeVirus) but the way the mini plots of each stage are handled is jarring because there's no real transition.  Like, you start one stage "investigating the net for WWW rumors" and you transition to one of the stage branches and suddenly Lan is on a train whose braking system is malfunctioning?  What?  But this too is tied back to the way levels are designed, so buckle up. 

Didn't Battletoads have a stage where you stood on and climbed snakes ("Karnath's Revenge" I think)?  That explains what the devs were going for on the difficulty!  

Lan Hikari has just entered the fifth grade and receives a NetNavi of his own, MegaMan.EXE.  Together, they thwart a Navi causing havoc in their oven and uncover a nefarious plot by terrorist organization WWW, and fight against their Navis and evil operators.  In 2D!  Again. 

Though Rockman EXE WS is another sidescroller game in a series that is RPG based, it's not too comparable to Network Transmission other than a few things that are in common with both.  A big departure is that the game is extremely linear--instead of picking zones to clear and having a general progression through the game, you have only a small number of stages you go through in a set order, though there are branches that determine what the second half of some stages are and this determines who you fight at the end of the stage.  Because there are only two branches in stages 2, 3, 4, and 5, you need to play through twice to see the other version of those stages.  You can't merely get to the end of one stage and then decide to play it again going the other way. 

You still destroy viruses and sometimes get chips to use, but almost all of them are "single use and they're gone" types.  The game thankfully will auto-reload any chips you use provided you have more in storage, but there is no money and no store so you're unfortunately stuck with what you find, and there is no Folder so chips are gone forever once spent.  Some chips found lying in the field on their own are actually infinite-use, like the Sword series that replace your Buster with their chip, toggled on or off.  There aren't any PowerUPs to find, instead some chips and all of the Styles mess with MegaMan's stats.  HeatGuts increases his attack power, AquaCustom has a fast charge, ElecTeam has faster movement speed, and WoodShield has higher defense, with HubStyle having the buffs of the first three with reduced defense instead.

You can pretend you're Zero if you want, but Sword chips are a little hard to use since you can't walk and swing at the same time.  You can still do a repeating two-hit combo on the ground and attack in the air at least.  

There are also three "equip for effect" chips that apply their effect as long as they're in your loadout and aren't consumed on use.  AirShoes increases jump height, AreaSteal increases movement speed (stacks with ElecTeam/Hub), and Undershirt increases defense (stacks with WoodShield and somewhat helps Hub).  These are kind of like X series upgrades though you can take them off at almost anytime, like to keep AirShoes from sending you into overhead spikes when you need a short hop.  While having any or all of them equipped takes up slots other offense/recovery chips could use, the tradeoff is almost always worth it.  And since I'm on about chips, I'm not sure if there's an actual limit on the number of the ones you can carry. 

A new feature of the game is your connectivity to Lan.  You start with three "bars" and depending on stage factors, it lowers or disappears entirely.  At one bar remaining, you lose the ability to pause and thus can't change chips or Styles, and at zero bars you completely lose the ability to use chips, even the "equip for effect" ones!  All of these situations seem to be scripted so it's not tied to performance, and you gain all of your bars back in the hallway before the boss room and in the boss room too.  It's not really a notable system but it can inconvenience you a little bit in a couple of places.  Losing the ability to even pause is kind of ridiculous though. 

Most stages start with a 'neutral' kind of theme and you then transition to an entirely different one at an arbitrary point, and this is one of the problems I had with the game.  There's no warning at all when you come to a stage branch, other than there just being two ways to advance, and sometimes a branch doesn't move into a new area but is just a side area to pick up an item before you go back to the main path.  Stage branches are categorized by going up or down and you're left in the dark as to what you'll face on the other side, though people familiar with the first Battle Network can probably guess who either on the Navi taunting you on entering or by the way the stage looks.  It's absolutely jarring to be in an area and then it shifts into something completely different just because you slid through a passage or something.  Imagine if Castlevania games had zero transition corridors or even doors at all.  

Hey wait, that’s my line! 

I'm not really sure how cohesive the story is if you're not familiar with the first Battle Network game.  There are story segments between stages, a primary reason to start the next stage, a small story section for each stage variant, and then back to the between stage story bits--but because of the branch system, you might have characters pop up you didn't see before, or you might end up with continuity errors like facing ElecMan near the end of the game and Lan knows who Count Zap is despite not facing him before.  You can actually fight him early in one of the branches, but it's not a guarantee and Lan is never directly shown looking up WWW members or anything either.  It's kind of like watching a clip show, where you have these "best of" moments presented without context and you'd probably be lost if you weren't familiar with the source material. 

You have nine lives (continues) in every stage, refilled to max when you start a new one.  You're going to need them.  I found myself getting knocked into pits by enemy attacks fairly often, or I'd botch a blind leap, or so on.  It felt like X6's level of unfair bullshit as opposed to NT's pretty difficult but still workable difficulty.  MegaMan is pretty slow, I guess to account for the two speed upgrades he can get, and for some reason he seems to slow down when he hits the ceiling...and for some other reason, he seems to catch on the corners of some platforms like he can jump again to save himself, but that doesn't work.  The stage layouts aren't as bad once you've been through once at least, but going in blind kind of necessitates save states, which I'm not ashamed to admit that I abused this time.  Checkpoints aren't always generously placed, either. 

*The Price is Right game over horns* 

And the disappearing platforms gimmick is probably the worst in this game as opposed to any other Mega Man game I've played.  Usually they appear in a pattern of two with them 'leap-frogging' through the sequence.  Here, several of them only have one appear at a time, so you need to use the block to be where you need right when the next block in sequence appears lest you hit your head on it or have the block you're standing on disappear.  SnakeMan's stage is great for this, and again you'll be going in blind the first time through so you'll need to redo that section more than a few times to not only get the timing down, but know where you need to be when the block appears.  Not all of the disappearing blocks are this way, but then the ones in SnakeMan's stage aren't over spikes... 

You can only get some chips by having other weapon chips, like to destroy a wall.  Even in stage 2, Lan will point out a wall you can demolish with GutsPunch...that you get in the next stage if you go on the correct path.  Later on, there's a wall you can punch with ColdPunch, which is just an Aqua-element GutsPunch, and actual GutsPunch does nothing!  And back in stage 2, ColdPunch does nothing to the wall Lan mentions.  Why is the game set up this way, other than to pad out playtime?  Why can't you just use either one?  There's a wall that requires a specific Sword chip too for no real reason.  Said wall in stage 2 is actually why I had to do three playthroughs for 100% because I apparently didn't pick the most efficient order of branches. 

Because there's no grinding and because you can permanently expend recovery chips, you better use as many lives as you can to learn the boss' pattern before you go all-in since you'll potentially put yourself into an unwinnable situation if you burn everything too early.  This came up in NT too, but at least you had the option to escape and save and get more chips then. 

Poor ElecMan can't beat Air Man!  Also, I used WoodShield Style a lot in these screenshots, but I used ElecTeam a bunch too just for the movement speed boost.  AreaGrab was the very last chip I got so I needed something to get me off of the default move speed.  

There are six stages but you unlock a seventh after you finish the game once.  You get to keep all of your chips and Styles for the second and future loops so you'll eventually have your pick of all the Styles and all, and you can apparently unlock a boss rush kind of thing when you finish and unlock its hardest difficulty when you 100% the game.  I didn't bother with this.  PharaohMan kind of, uh, gave me a terrible impression given how much of a difficulty spike he is so early in the game. 

I really did like the Styles though, and being able to switch at almost any time made for some nice flexibility.  The Mega Buster is probably the best weapon in the game, especially if you have an element advantage.  Chips on the other hand are kind of hard to use considering the WonderSwan's control setup, so you'd have to take your hand off of the movement buttons to use/toggle one of the chips or finagle a good setup in an emulator like I did.  That part kind of tapers off the more equipment chips you get, but it's still kind of troublesome.  But yeah, I really wish there was another sidescroller Battle Network that had the best features of Network Transmission and EXE WS and the home series.  But that's just a silly dream game I guess. 

The WonderSwan itself.  A to jump, B to fire, X1-4 to move, Y1-4 deals with the chips.  An interesting control scheme since some games could be played vertically, but would probably come off clumsy on real hardware.  

Overall, I don't think I can recommend this one.  There are some nice ideas but they're put in a game with a pretty haphazard plot and malicious stage design in some places.  It's very hard and I can't see a reason for it to be other than to pad out the game length since it can be finished three times in an afternoon, albeit with save states.  Without, you'll probably be stuck for longer and I can't see your frustration levels staying low with some of the things the game throws at you.  Nice ideas, but the execution just doesn't work for me. 

They seem to have moved MegaMan's left eye (his left) down a little too far for the HubStyle mugshot so it kind of makes him look crosseyed.  Maybe that's where the defense cut comes in?