#so i figured id go with The Classic

[mychemicalaromanticism]

the (somewhat blurry) progression of fangbanger assembling for a picture with us :] this show was a dream come true for me (yes that is a faint endless shirt. ive been here for a while) and i had SO much fun thank u fangbanger for coming to washington!!!

and thank you to micheal for taking the photos <3 and for my besties for coming to the show with me :D :D

[sonknuxadow]

im probably gonna have to rearrange my sonic action figure display AGAIN because big werehog doesnt really fit anywhere on the shelf as its set up currently. endless pain and suffering forever

[sunniepoo]

your roommate never knew when to keep his hands off, even when you were asleep

cw: dubcon, somno, dark!jj

jj knew what he was doing was disgusting, he knew that it was pervy and creepy and gross and every name under the sun for just straight up wrong. it’s not that he didn’t feel bad but the pleasure and satisfaction he gained every night, jerking off into his hand with the image of you naked, with the pellets of water trickling down you wore greater than his conscious

when you’d moved in,a couple months ago, there was a silent reminder in his head to not scare you away or push any boundaries but he couldn’t help but have a slight inkling that you wanted him to prey, you wanted him to push and play to his limit. the way you would leave your panties laying out on the floor, it was like you wanted him to pick them up and fist them around his dick, inevitably cumming into them

or how you’d shower with the door open just enough so he could see the outline of your tits through the foggy shower door. he knew he sounded like a perv when ranting on about it to the brunette boy, hands flailing about, mumbling about how ‘she’s gotta be doing it on purpose…i mean - wh-why else” earning a questionable stare from john b who scoffs out about him being a full on classic creep

it was so so conflicting, he knew he shouldn’t - you were probably just being naive, your usual sweet mindset blurring the sultryness within your actions but he couldn’t help but use your actions as justification for what he was doing. you would’ve said something by now id it bothered you, right?

but it wasn’t always weird,there were quiet domestic moments aswell, like tonight.

the loud rumble of thunder was enough to make you squeal eliciting a soft laugh from the blonde in front of you, who continued to stuff food in his mouth “jayyy” the slight tease in your whine was impossible to miss as the word left your mouth “lets sleep together tonight” you ask, eyes opened wide and focused on him, leaving him to struggle to understand the meaning behind the question

“what” the blonde in front deadpans, ears in disbelief of what he’s hearing - mind already rushing to the stickiest of ickys

“just hate storms and m’gonna not be able to sleep” you respond and as the words fall from your mouth, his figure visibly relaxes as soon as he hears the nonchalance in your voice in your words - god he has to get his head out of the gutter!

“right-right…uhh yeah- i mean i don’t mind” he rambles, struggling to hide the rising pink in his cheek aswell as the rising boner in his pants. it was going to be so so so hard to behave well when you’d be right next to him, your pretty pussy just a couple inches away, how was he supposed to resist himself

“thanks jay’ make sure not to kick” you giggle before pressing a light kiss to the side of his cheek, continuing to walk off towards the bathroom. he couldn’t describe the feeling in his stomach as he watched you, excitement? guilt? shame? whatever it was, it had to be pushed down until the late night dawned upon the both of you - when he’ll find out how bad he can really be

the sight of you softly snoring in his bed, arms tucked beneath your head as you curled away from the wall, would have been cute if it wasn’t for the raging boner that poked through his boxers. you’d hit the sack quite early leaving jj and his twisted mind alone, jerking off in the shower of all the lewd fantasies stored in his head.

he wouldn’t. he couldn’t. that’s what the blonde repeated in his head as he rest beside you, keeping some distance between the two of you, trying to close his eyes and sleep - hoping his mind could clear before the morning. his large figure slowly relaxed, slowly drifting to sleep. and that’s when he felt it your leg carelessly shifting underneath the covers, grazing against his dick, making it jump.

he was convinced. you were doing it on purpose, you had to be. but when he saw your limp body, pressed against the bed, dead to the world around you, he couldn’t help but groan. what if you were truly so naive that all your actions were done out of pure thoughtlessness, he’d be disgusting- you’d probably never want to speak to him again

but it was getting impossibly hard to ignore your foot dancing around his already hard cock leading a soft groan from him. the call of your name from him falls on deaf ears as you continue to sleep, not aware of the turmoil you’re causing him. ‘god m’going to hell” he whispers to himself as he shifts closer, forehead hovering over yours

he wished he could blame it on something like he’d drunk to much or that he was high out of his mind, but he wasn’t - the only drug that consumed him was the presence of you, clouding his every thought and action. the long strand of blonde that kissed his forehead now grazed against yours as his fingers traced down the length of your body, dipping between your legs, rubbing against your clothed mound.

the heat between your legs was enough to warm him on the unseasonably cold night, thumb stroking against your clit causing you to shift. he panicked for a second, taking your stirring as a sign of you waking up but he was wrong. you were moving because you liked it - he watched as your mouth parted softly, a soft whimper filling the air as you continued to squirm beneath him

it didn’t take long before he slipped your panties off, throwing them to some corner of the room - careful not to wake you. he watched as you writhed at the feel of the cool air breezing against your bare pussy, fingers having a mind of their own as they pushed into you. god you were so tight, he could feel the ache in his pants as he continued to thrust his finger into you. he couldn’t help but watch your eyebrows raise, mouth opening to let out an inaudible moan “m’sorry so so sorry” he heaved out, before adding another finger, watching you hiss at the intrusion.

you were making a mess on his hand and between your legs with each thrust of his and all he could think was how good you were taking it, wondering what noises you’d be making if you were awake - would you grab at his wrist and make him slow down if he went too fast? would you reach down and rub your aching clit?would you whine at him to stop?

he felt a sudden urge, he wanted to kiss you. he wanted to feel your lips against his as he curled his fingers that were wedged deep inside you. he moved even closer, dipping his head down, pressing a sloppy kiss against your lips as he thrust his fingers harshly in you making you all putty in his arms

it was rough the way he pulled out, fingers resting against your thighs but he was desperate, his cock had been painfully poking against the fabric of his shorts waiting for some sort of stimulation. it was bad, it was so so bad but what was worse was that he stopped caring,it was a need to feel your gummy walls sucking you in, to watch your face contort into a mixture of pain and pleasure as he slams into you

you’d understand right? i mean you had to with the way you’d tortured him for so long, how you’d walk around wearing next to nothing or how you’d rub up against him. he remembers wanting nothing more than to bend you over the nearest surface and dick you down like the good little whore you were but how could he, you weren’t a whore - far from it actually, you were his sweet little angel that he wanted to corrupt, the little lamb that the big bad wolf wanted to bite into

he spent every minute trying to savour this moment, slowly pulling of his boxers throwing them next to your panties - making a mental note to take them later. he wished he could’ve been gentle and soft and sweet but he didn’t have it in him that night, he wanted you to feel the ache he’s been feeling.

the whine that left your mouth was loud as the blonde slammed into you, stilling with his movement - soaking in the feel of your velvety walls wrapped around him that left him wanting to paint your insides with his cum.shocked at your still state, deep sleeper he thought- who knows maybe he can have more fun

for a minute he stayed stilled feeling every pulse or clench of your little pussy, he was disgusting! but he didn’t care, what he cared about was how your face would look like when you cum? how you’d look like when you wake and see the pool of white between your legs? that was enough for him to begin drilling his cock into you, the once silent room being filled with his low groans and the sound of skin slapping

“so good f’me… huh?” he breathed out “wanna cum so-fuck so-deep inside you….fill you with all my babies” his pace didn’t falter as you’d tossed against him, body shocked by the harsh and sudden intrusion. his right hand travelled down from the side of your hips to your bright red clit, pinching it softly causing your brows to furrow

“sorry baby…. just needed to do that” he laughed out, head falling down to the dip in your neck, breathing against the skin “fuck-” the blonde could feel his high coming close, he fastens his face getting ready to empty himself inside of you “fuck fuck fuck m’coming” the blonde curses, eyes screwed tightly as he spurts out a fat load inside you, moaning with every slight movement. he watched as you spasmed around him, your own high being provoked by his - he couldn’t miss the way your back slightly arched, he’d bet you were in heaven right now - well atleast he was

following a few sloppy thrusts, he flops against your sleeping body, looking up to see your face, god you looked so innocent! you hadn’t even known the way he’d violated you yet and something in him ached for you to find out, for you to wake up to the feel of his morning wood, throbbing inside of you and feel the sticky pool of cum that formed beneath you. and he couldn’t help but thrust deeper inside of you, chin resting against your head - slowly feeling his eyes close, he’ll deal with the aftermath in the morning but for now he wanted to sleep wedged inside you, sweaty bodies pressed together

[forwards-beckon-rebound]

jason todd instagram hcs

basics

his account's private

he created it around the same time he first knew about you

yes, he did do it because he realized it's probably weird for him to not have any sort of social media

and then randomly posted 2 things so he looked interesting (the shirtless pic may or may not be intentional and obviously the books to show his intellectual side or whatever)

really really bad with social media and all of the naming stuff (i mean are we surprised)

followers + following

mostly his family, friends, and other vigilantes he's worked with

literally whooped with joy the day wonder woman requested to follow him and he would not shut up about it

only person he's following is you ofc (he has a burner account so he can follow people and make sure his brothers aren't doing stupid stuff but he won't admit it)

highlights

yes he does refer to you as his wife to anybody who will listen (and even if they don't he'll still try to anyways)

it's a lot of photos of you guys on dates, some candids of you, basically whenever he thinks you look pretty (all the time) and you let him post the photo

i don't really see him being particularly sappy with his words so he probably just writes like "with my girl" or "date night" or something simple like that

and then some like classic rock song in the bg

honestly idrk what nunya is, i just thought it'd be funny to use that pic for something

probably him hanging out with his friends or random funny stuff he sees

will beat up a guy and then be like "lol went to check this guy's id and his name is deadass buford"

dog is of course photos of your dog, dog!! you guys share custody of her and you would kill anybody for her

there are some photos of him and dog that you've taken

but a lot of them are of you and dog

he likes to go through his wife and dog highlights when he's away on missions and stuff like that (but also he definitely has folders with way more photos on his phone)

posts

he doesn't post that often

but when he does it's usually of you lmfao

definitely posted the third pic from the bottom up when you guys got together

you took the photos of him for him and convinced him to post his to his instagram for once

the book he's reading is actually one you recommended

you guys have a mini book club between the two of you (you guys just read and annotate books and then trade)

you got him the harley davidson jacket because you figured he should have different jackets when he's going out as red hood and as jason todd or else he's not gonna have a secret identity for very long

he's kind of obsessed with it

accidentally got some sort of theme going on? you think it's so funny because this man didn't even know that instagram themes were a thing

dick ver.

[luvzshy]

can you do gf!billie and reader going on live together and its just cute and funny fluff💖

a/: awh i love this, so cutie 🙁💕

Drive-Thru Moments

The phone is propped up on the dashboard, the two of you waiting in a slow-moving drive-thru line for burgers and fries. Billie’s hand is resting on the gear shift, and your legs are casually stretched out as you scroll through comments on your phone.

“Alright, you ready?” you ask with a grin, already hovering over the button to start the live.

Billie glances over at you, smirking. “Let’s do it. But don’t roast me when I mess up the order.”

You hit the button, and in seconds, the comments start to flood in. “Hey, guys!” you greet, waving at the camera. Billie leans in slightly, adjusting her hair and giving a small wave. “We’re currently stuck in this drive-thru getting food because, well, we’re hungry.”

“And the line is insanely long,” Billie adds, drumming her fingers on the wheel. “So, we figured, why not hang out with you guys for a bit?”

The comments start flying in, some asking what you’re ordering, others hyped to see the two of you live together. Billie squints at the screen to read the comments. “Okay, someone asked what we ordered. Uh, burgers, fries, and milkshakes, right?”

“Yep,” you confirm with a laugh, pointing at Billie. “She went for the double cheeseburger, and I’m keeping it classic with the single.”

Billie nods. “And extra fries for you, of course.”

“As always,” you say, reaching over to snag a fry from the bag you’ve already half-eaten while waiting in line.

Another comment catches your attention. “Someone said we should do a ‘who knows each other better’ challenge,” you read aloud, glancing at Billie with a raised eyebrow. “Wanna test our knowledge?”

Billie chuckles, sitting up straighter. “Oh, I got this. I know you better than anyone.”

“Yeah, okay, we’ll see,” you tease, rolling your eyes playfully.

Billie looks at the screen, reading out the first question that pops up. “Alright, ‘What’s her favorite thing to do on a lazy day?’” She turns to you, confidently answering. “Easy. Movie marathon, snacks all day, and no interruptions.”

“Okay, okay,” you say, nodding in approval. “I’ll give you that one. Now, for you…” You pause, pretending to think it over. “Video games or lying in bed listening to music for hours.”

Billie points at you with a grin. “Spot on. Next question!”

The live continues with you two bouncing back and forth between questions, playfully teasing each other and reading out comments. The next question comes in: ‘Who’s more likely to forget something important?’

You immediately point at Billie. “Oh, 100% you! Do we need to talk about the time you forgot to bring your ID to the airport?”

Billie groans, her face scrunching up in embarrassment. “Ugh, that was one time! And I had to go all the way back home to get it while you just sat there eating snacks, not even stressing.”

“Because I know you!” you laugh. “I knew you’d figure it out, but still—definitely you.”

Billie waves her hand dismissively, but she’s laughing too. “Okay, okay, fine. I forget things. Your turn now.”

More questions come in, one asking who’s more likely to start an argument over something silly. You laugh before answering, “Probably me. I mean, have you met me? I get fired up over the smallest things sometimes.”

Billie nods, smirking. “Yep. But it’s cute, so it’s fine.”

As the live continues, the car moves up in line, and Billie starts getting ready to order. She’s about to roll down the window when you glance at the comments again. “Wait! Someone asked if we’ve ever had a disastrous cooking experience together.”

Billie bursts out laughing, almost forgetting she’s next in line. “Oh my God, do we tell them about the pancakes?”

You shake your head, already cringing. “Okay, so we thought we’d make breakfast together one morning, right? Easy, pancakes and bacon. But someone…” you give Billie a side-eye, “… decided to eyeball the measurements for the batter.”

“I thought I knew what I was doing!” Billie defends herself, still laughing. “I had no idea pancakes could come out that thin. Like, they were almost see-through.”

“They were basically crepes,” you add, laughing too. “And the bacon was burnt because we got distracted.”

“By playing with the dog,” Billie finishes, nodding. “So, yeah, don’t let us near a kitchen unless you want a breakfast disaster.”

Finally, it’s your turn to order, and Billie rolls down the window. She gets through the order perfectly, even remembering your extra fries, and as she pulls forward, you give her a dramatic round of applause.

“Redemption,” you say, grinning. “No mistakes this time.”

Billie leans over, giving you a quick kiss on the cheek. “Told you I got this.”

With the food in hand and the live still going, the two of you settle in to eat while chatting more casually about upcoming plans and reading random comments. At one point, someone asks if you have any plans for a road trip, and Billie smiles. “We’ve talked about it, maybe doing a little getaway soon. Nothing too far, but yeah, we’re thinking about it.”

“Probably somewhere with no distractions,” you add, popping a fry into your mouth. “Just us, good music, and a whole lot of snacks.”

As the live winds down, Billie glances at the screen and gives a little wave. “Alright, guys, we’re gonna head out and eat before everything gets cold, but thanks for hanging out with us!”

“Yeah, you guys are the best,” you add, blowing a quick kiss to the camera. “We’ll do this again soon. Maybe next time with less drive-thru and more… whatever this chaos is.”

With one last laugh, Billie ends the live, and the two of you sit back in the car, smiling at each other. You grab a fry, holding it up to her. “Not bad, huh?”

Billie bites the fry you’re holding and grins. “We’re kinda fun together, aren’t we?”

You laugh, leaning over to kiss her. “Totally.”

[thatdeadaquarius]

imagine if reader is given an ancient scripture from around the time humanity founded out how to write and do the alphabet (somehow it was preserved so well that you can still see the words with no issue)

and it's the most heart wrenching, soul crushing, tear inducing, hyperventilating, sanity disappearing angst, misunderstandings, hurt/no comfort, it gets worse but never better, major character death, unrequited love story to have ever existed in teyvat.

and after reader goes through the whole thing, they can barely talk or breathe properly with how much they're crying.

(even better, it was smut not angst and reader is staring ar the scripture, jaw dropped to the floor with shaking hands.)

STOP- I avoid fanfics like that at all costs 😭 id stop reading it after the first angsty event LMAO

Im like... too emotionally affected by fanfics, esp angst ones 💀

Its just, ppl who write closer to my generation or just very psychologically honestly, are like fucking deadly writers. Got my day ruined and shit w/just fanfics 😭

LMAO THE GIF IS JUST YOU ON THE SPOT NOT EVEN HALFWAY THRU-

☆

Sun: Gender Neutral Reader (you/they/them)

Orbit: Short! Headcanons-ish

Stars: my first of the Fontians!! Fontainianes? Fontainains?? u get it

Comets & Meteors: Content Warnings: sobbing, discussion of vague smut/NSFW book at the end, okay for Teen/Mature audiences, & Trigger Warnings: none known.

no but it’d be hilarious if u got this crazy like hand-width deep tablet for each “page” of the book, like how every novel or info in genshin is like one page at a time 😭

Sumeru and other international academics are literally constantly harassing politely requesting your translation of these and sending them to you in whichever country you’re visiting at the moment

Fontaine was even more complex and pretty in real life than it could ever be in game and i can def see you at like Neuvillette’s office or a nice french fontaine cafe and just WHAM

huge ass tablet bc as much as the fic tortures you, you have to know what the fuck happens to these miserable idiots

Neuvillette, Clorinde, and Lynette are all the type to immediately try and dissuade you from reading it again, bc from their point of view you just pull out this huge old rock and start sobbing quietly about 10 mins into the read every time 😭😭

(unsurprisingly, Neuvillette would even go so far as to get the Marechaussee Phantom to sneakily steal ur most recent tablets of the story to hide them, which sucks for you LMAO)

Freminet, Wriothesley, Navia, Lyney, and Furina,all frantically try to distract you, and also theyre in order of who would be the most dramatic w/it lmao

NO BC I JUST HAD THE THOUGHT-

Ur tears absolutely are top priority to Neuvillette and Furina so when they inevitably find the memories in them (and the traveler too maybe)

of what the story is about, except its like all the feelings and stuff, so like its the best “translation” they get of the book so far, u best believe it rains for a week straight

it started out as a light drizzle, but as Neuvillette “read on” in ur tear’s memories if got worse HAHA

mans is out here trying to convince himself like, “this is a classic tragedy from eons ago, its about a human romance, im definitely unaffected, though im glad i could figure out what ails My Majesty so”

meanwhile the story gets worse and its just like that meme “ohHHhhhHH its got a little kiicckkk”

Neuvillette nearly floods the streets by chapter 5 when the miscommunication happens and then they cant get in contact with each other to fix it lmao

LMAO I JUST HAD A VISIONNN

ur in fontaine and while yes drinks were popular (like obv fonta)

business is rlly booming bc now everyone you know (like the Vision-users or archons Neuvill, etc) all have develop this habit of having a water bottle or drink on them to offer you when u start reading to rehydrate you 😭😭😭

Navia, Clorinde, Neuvillette, Wriothesley, Lyney, Lynette all have a handkerchief on them at all times too 😭😭

Good God-

the moment you translate the now instant Shakespearean-level tragedy classic, it is a known tear-jerker thruout all of Teyvat,

like theres trigger warnings and age limits and shit 💀

◇

on another note,

if its smut,

ur desperately combing thru all the tablets and wall carvings and cave paintings to try and lowkey cover it up LMAO

and its not like a story with a smut scene either, its like what anon said,

just fully like the ao3 tag “Porn What Plot/Porn With Plot”

STOP

not u yanking the tablets out of Neuvillette’s hands when he curiously picks them up one time lmao

(he is now invested in getting these translated too bc of ur reaction lol)

☆

consider supporting me with an iced coffee? :0

Spooky Season! Spooky Season!! Spooky Season!!!

still not dead btw

just got hired at my new job so ive been training and busy!! :)

im a host at Olive Garden lol its weird and kinda hard, my feet hurt a lot and i havent had a full shift yet ;-; its a brand new one so it opens the 23rd

dw that eldritch one shot is still coming btw, just talking with betas and editing it now lol

hope if you read this you have a great upcoming weekend!!

Safe Travels Anon,

💀♒

☆

If you wanna join a taglist, DM me what for! "Pspspsss, please tag me for [All SAGAU posts, Only SAGAU Language AUs, diff fandom, etc.]!"

(If you ever wanna drop, just DM me! "No more taglists/[specifically this AU/fandom] please!")

☆

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist / @thedevioussmirk / @the-dumber-scaramouche / @chocogi / @fallen-starr / @areaderofbooks / @devilangel657

[daisybell-on-a-carousel]

Ooooo!

One of the comics showed Jason's body had rotted on its way to Gotham, which made me realize it probably wasnt just laying there all pristine-ish in the months he was dead. Which leads to several interesting questions

1: How much decay wouldve been too much for sudden resurrection? Is there a limit? Could he have come back if he had gotten cremated

2: How much did resurrection heal

3: If he'd been rotting during the months before coming back, how much blood and liquids and rot seeped into casket, did it stay there? Was he trapped in there smelling his own rot, surrounded by his own decay, as he tried desperately to claw his way out?

3 1/2: Or did the evidence of decay disappear, as if never there. I guess all this depends on how exactly he was brought back and how that worked

4: Search engines won't answer my questions on how long it takes for bugs n maggots to get into caskets. So if he was already rotting do you think any possibly got inside before burial, do morticians have anything to kill off all bugs and eggs in a decayed body or no. Seach engines still won't answer me

[aredeemantagonist]

"HEY! PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! THEN EVERYTHING'S OKAY!"

Hiya!! I'm… well I go by a lot of names!!

Most commonly used ones are: - Antagonist/Antag (Mostly used online/amongst my general mutuals + followers!!) - Kris - N - Jack - Michael - Atsushi - Vic - Xavier - Any of my kin names!!

I also go by Mercutio and nicknames derived from that, but please ask me before using that name for me, since I'd prefer if only people who are close to me call me Mercutio or Tio

My pronouns are it/void/gut/gore/rot/pop/he!! No They/Them or She/Her pretty please!!

I am taken x3!!! My Queerplatonic partner (and my everything) is @the-fallen-collective ( #meri jaan <3 on this blog!!) My partner is @theonlyrealdazaiosamusblog ( #my dear <3 on this blog!!)

My interests: - BSD - FNAF + Afton Family Lore - Creepypasta - Laceygames - The Amazing Digital Circus - My OCs + Lore - Bendy and The Dark Revival + Bendy and The Ink Machine - The Disasterous Life of Saiki K - Assassination Classroom - Art - Writing - Classic Literature - Palaye Royale - Green Day - My Chemical Romance - Psychology - OC Angst (/jk… or am I?)

18+ users can interact and DM as long as you aren’t icky and comfy with the fact that i am a minor :3

DNIs: - Bad people in general - General DNIs (homophobes, transphobes, misogyonists, etc etc) - Radqueers - Pro-contact - Zoophiles, Pedophiles, etc etc - [Pro] Endogenic systems - Anti-recovery blogs (for EDs, S/H, anything) - NSFW + smut blogs - MDNI blogs - Anti-alterhumanity

MY FRENDOS!!!!!! (tell me if you weren't cool with being @/ed ^^) @star-seeking-stray - big sister, who is INSANE /pos

@lemon-reef - baby sibling, pat pat pat pat pat pat

@valentinos-corner - baby sibling, all the hugs and squishes

@evvwenthome - baby sibling, picking you up and putting you in a bag

@offsetthedeath - parental figure

@icreatethingz - MY SON. BE NICE TO HIM OR ELSE.

@aesthetic-writer18 - HIHI LITERALLY ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS HIII

@paintedgrilledcheese - i ramble to them so… so much… frendo!!

@casinoownersigma - KIJI MY BIG BROTHER GRRR /pos

@trashlike - friend!! i am the evil feral gremlin child on faer shoulder telling them to make more blogs

@deeply-moonstruck - frendo!!! we yap about lore a lot

@arsonist-lullabye - this one is not normal about ango

@duckduckgoose-exe - goose

@smallpieceofcheese - unhinged mentor /pos

@sayuutoria - (ex?) wife. we keep getting married and divorced and married again

@agoodbookisalwaysgood - my bestie fr fr, matching pfps!!!!

@nottherealapollo - MY BIG BROTHER!!!!

(if you arent here do msg me and i'll add you!!! i have very bad memory so i forget a lot of things ;-;)

I fall under a bunch of alterhuman identies, my alterhumanity blog is @thetaintedandtheforgotten

MICHAEL AFTON FICTIONKIN, THIS IS MY HIGHEST ID, I AM NOT OKAY WITH DOUBLES UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

common tags used on this blog:

#antagonist reblogs - i reblog random shit!! won’t always remember to tag though T^T

#antagonist rambles - my incessant yapping!!

#antagonist shitposts - i shitpost

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#antagonist wrote something - my fics!!

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#antagonist is william afton - william afton posting

#man i love michael afton - michael afton posting

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My sideblog for roleplaying can be found at: @antag--roleplays ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ vent acc is @antag-after-dark, do not follow this blog. interact/view at your own risk since i do not tag ANYTHING on this blog. i'd prefer if people didn't like or reblog posts on that account either. just reply if you want to comfort me or give me advice, otherwise do not interact

[daizedndconfused]

What gifts would you give the ninjago characters? Hope ur having a happy holiday

aww thank you!! i had so much fun haha but let’s get into this

gifts id give the ninja

kai

to be funny id give him like an absurd amount of hair gel with his name and face on it i think it’d be hilarious

as a genuine gift i’d get him fireworks. THIS MAY SEEM ODD BUT HEAR ME OUT. he’s hot headed we all know that and i feel like he’d have so much fun going into the middle of nowhere and lighting a bunch of fireworks

i’d ALSO get him tickets to a rage room. personally i’ve never been to one but k really want to and i think kai would THRIVE. he gets to whack the shit out of things for funsies and LEGALLY!! what could be better??

cole

id get him a record player and some old records to go with it

i’d also get him a new guitar because (again if you read my fics yk how i feel about this) he’s probably been wanting a new one for so long but doesn’t actually ask for one cause they’re expensive (DONT CARE ILL BUY IT!!)

i would get him lego lily flowers because…yk that was his moms name and they’ll never die cause they’re legos

jay

a new video fr or like a gift card for game stores cause he needs to play something new im begging

i’d also get him legos but like i’d get him a really big one that’s at least 1000 pieces cause he goes through that shit sooo fast

anddd id get him a lightsaber because ik he���d have fun with it

zane

to be funny (again cause i’m hilarious) id get him a snow cone maker

as a genuine gift i’d get him a STACK of beautifully bonded classic literature along with some cute sweater cause they’d look good on him ik it

lastly i’m getting him a heated blanket… he’s gotta be tired of being cold all the time just be cozy pleaseeee

lloyd

i’m giving him an entire comic book series (or at least a good chunk cause there’s so many in one series

i’d also give him a cute framed picture of when he was a kid because my poor boy did NOT get enough of a childhood

on that similar note i’d give him things he used to like as a kid like action figures cause he defo collects them

nya

my girl nya gets an old motorcycle that i found for cheap that she can take a part and make better. ik she’ll add whatever the hell she wants to it and make it an absolute MACHINE

i’d also get her a leather jacket with like a little lightning bolt on one sleeve and a drop of water on the other she loves jay after all

again to be funny id get her a do not disturb thing to put on her door cause she needs rest sometimes and ALSO one of those little mini punching bags cause home girl also has some anger issues

[damagedcoda6669]

how did youknow youbhad bpd? what were the main "symptoms" ?? soryif it comes off as personal or uncomfy you dont hsveto answer

(im rlly rlly rlly autistic abt bpd PREPARE 4 AN ENTIRE BIBLE ABT HOW I DISCOVERED I HAD IT)

ive exhibited symptoms of bpd my entire life (it usually starts 2 present in childhood or early adulthood, it comes from childhood abuse/neglect) i only started 2 notice something was wrong in my tweens/early teens, when malachi became my favorite person and every1 was calling me mentally ill and weird and obsessive. ive known my entire life i was neurodivergent (first started therapy at 6 or 7, diagnosed with bipolar + autism + adhd + depression + anxiety RLLY early on) but there was something else that felt wrong 2 me. at that age i didnt rlly know what 2 search 4 or who 2 talk 2, so i just went on google and searched "love disorders" and obsessive love disorder came up (which isnt even in the DSM iirc) and i posted on google plus saying i likely had that and was shot down IMMEDIATELY 4 "self diagnosing" so i didnt revisit it again until a few years later.

after my breakup in 2021 i felt like it hurt WAY MORE than was normal. i stumbled across a video abt bpd during that time period and it resonated with me way 2 much. im impulsive, i have angry outbursts, im constantly suicidal, i self harm, i have extreme mood swings, i dont know who i am and ive always just mirrored other ppl, i dissociate, i have black and white thinking, i view ppl as all good or all bad and i split, i have consistently unstable relationships, i get attached 2 ppl more than i should be, and i have a paralyzing, nauseating fear of abandonment. i have every symptom in the diagnostic criteria.

i brought up the possibility of me having bpd with my mom i think (i had no one else 2 go 2 becuz all of my friends abandoned me and my parents took away my internet access) and i was shot down again, with my mom saying the CLASSIC "(insert family member) has bpd and shes crazy. ur normal. stop pretending theres something wrong with u. if u had bpd u'd be vindictive and petty and evil. do u think ur those things?"

once i figured out how 2 get my internet access back, maryland dude forced the bpd label on2 me becuz he wanted 2 explain my "abusive" behaviors (he was abusing me but tried 2 gaslight me in2 thinking i had a victim complex and that it was the other way around) and i became uncomfortable with the label becuz he made it seem like if i had bpd then i was a bad person. i continued researching the disorder becuz it still resonated with me even though i was now insecure abt it.

i became comfortable with the label again after he abandoned me, and i brought it up with my therapist. my therapist would HEAVILY DENY that i had bpd, telling me that "if u had bpd u would be attempting suicide 4 attention" "u fit the diagnostic criteria but ur autistic so all of ur symptoms can just be attributed 2 autism srry" "ive had clients with bpd and if u were like them u wouldve had an outburst in my office and be yelling at me by now" and she would even smile at me whenever i brought up my bpd becuz she thought it was funny that i thought i had it, i think. the first time i brought it up with her she told me "its rlly irresponsible 2 self diagnose after reading liek two articles online abt some extreme disorder becuz u think ur broken. ur not broken. dont self diagnose with bpd" and i had to EXPLAIN 2 HER that i wasnt self diagnosing and that id researched it in depth 4 years actually and that she was making assumptions. horribly ableist towards ppl with cluster b disorders, this is a MASSIVE RED FLAG but i didnt switch therapists becuz i was still living with my parents at this point and i felt out of control in every aspect of my life 4 this reason, i didnt even see switching therapists as an option.

then in 2023, while i was homeless, i got evaulated by a psychiatrist. i discussed my bpd with him and finally got diagnosed. i told my therapist i was diagnosed with bpd and she said something like "well im not always gonna be able 2 catch everything" BUT I WAS TELLING U ABT MY BPD 4 MONTHS!!!!! so glad i dont have that therapist anymore but now i dont have one at all, so liek.. hrmmm >:c

im gonna end this by saying.. self diagnosis is valid!!! its so hard 2 get a bpd diagnosis becuz its so demonized and stigmatized, that even those in the mental health system r ableist towards the disorder and those who have it. diagnosis is not always an option with disorders like bpd, and thats so frustrating. its so hard 2 find help becuz every1 thinks ur crazy. but ur not crazy!!! i love all my fellow bpders, i know how agonizing and it is 2 live this tormented life. if u suspect u have bpd, the bpd community welcomes u and supports u!!! and i do 2 :3

[variousqueerthings]

so on doctor who confidential they talked about how rose was meant to really appeal to young girls, partially because doctor who traditionally had been considered a bit of a boys club in the past (whether or not that was true, I don't know. certainly depictions of classic!DW fandom has been mostly men, but then, that tended to be true of star trek as well and we all know that women were running the fandom show there. however I digress) --

the point of this show from the get go was to appeal more to women and girls, deliberately, because rtd likes writing for women (chris eccleston also said that rtd was better at writing the companion and that was right and good)

so there was the fact that she was 19 (and how that made her really Grown Up and Cool to teens and kids who were tuning into the first ever doctor who for 17 years, which, as the age-group who saw rose as a kid, correct), the fact that she was getting into arguments with her mum and being rebellious and trying to figure her identity out, the fact that she was 2000s era fashion-forward but still dressed within a budget and in a way that seemed realistic -- and speaking of realistic, That. she was meant to really make girls feel like they could accomplish things, and in some ways grow up with her. I think that worked so well for those of us who started with her era at a Certain age (whether or not we still ID as girls of course....) and she really was the perfect first companion. her story was based in that joy of leaving it all behind and fear of the responsibilities of adulthood and growing up and the real pain of that. in many ways a bit of a wendy darling, but more relatable and from the estate. she was growing up and it was tough

it felt like rose really was the beating heart of the show, giving it life those first couple of seasons as it was allowed to grow from a new exploration of what its identity was going to be and into what came next. and of course then she haunts the narrative for ages afterwards, which is always fun (I mean heck, we've got a "rose" character coming up in 2023! nearly 20 years after she was there)

billie piper was such an iconic and important part of what made doctor who work. the companion now had this depth of feeling about her and you knew this person, you knew why she wanted to run away, because you did too. just cannot overstate how much I adored rose

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

one of my batfam hot takes is that alfred having a very kind and understanding grandfather-like role is a boring spin on the character and lacks a lot of nuance around his backstory.

like he is a classically trained british butler which means he very likely comes from a working class family. and like, as a working class brit myself, i sometimes find the kindly, well-mannered grandfather thing grating because, a lot of white, working class men his age are unfortunately not nice people. some of them are like my great grandad was a really great guy, but hes really the only one i know who is or was not awful.

because their generation werent as exactly raised with ideals about mental health and emotional regulation. a lot of them were traumatised due to ww2 either because they saw it firsthand when they were like 15, they were old enough to remember things like rationing and the blitz, and a lot of them lost their dads in the war.

i dont expect american writers to understand how much ww2 affected britain (modern britain is still so steeped in it, its insane) and that generation specifically, BUT id love to see that explored more with alfred. like depending on where he grew up, he would likely have been separated from his family during the blitz and sent off to the countryside like most of the kids in cities were, (this is how narnia starts) and like, a lot of them were horrifically abused or used as free labour. a lot of them also lost parents and never got to say goodbye to them. many came back to destroyed homes. some kids also remained in the city or their parents requested them back so theyd experience the blitz first hand and would know the sign of air raid siren meant they might die that night.

you can see how a lot of that generation were permanently scarred. and for a few decades now, alfred would have been part of that generation.

plus he was also a secret service officer which is just like more opportunities to be traumatised and more reason for him to not be this gentle old man whos in touch with his emotions.

and like, as a classically trained butler, he would likely be more reserved because you know, thats how he was trained. also british men that age would also likely be very hands off in regards to emotions.

but the biggest reason as to why the gentle, kind grandfather take doesnt really make sense is that he raised bruce wayne.

like bruce has a whole slew of emotional issues and problems, and obviously some of that is going to come from alfred raising him because you know, thats kinda how that works. i know a lot of batfam folks want bruce to be this great dad, so i guess their take on alfred fits that, but canonically, bruce wayne is an emotional mess and not the best father figure at the best of times.

you cannot look at that bruce wayne and tell me alfred did a good job.

listen, this shouldn't even be a hot take. it's just an opinion that differs from the most popular interpretation of Alfred as an endlessly giving grandmotherly old man.

the thing about Alfred is that more than anything you have to recognize that he's an enabler. and I love the man to pieces, but at absolute best he was extremely negligent in Bruce's upbringing, if not actively encouraging the world's worst coping mechanisms.

I hate to give Gotham credit for anything, especially when it comes to Alfred since I hate their Alfred, but the show was bang on in its insistence from day one that Alfred should not have been Bruce's primary guardian. it's painful to watch how often Alfred encourages Bruce to tough it out and suck it up, and it never really stops. in one of the latter seasons (four, I think) he hits Bruce hard enough to give him a black eye during an argument, and this is ultimately written as a situation in which Bruce needs to apologize to Alfred for being a bratty teenager, rather than Alfred owing Bruce an apology for hitting him when he's a grief-stricken teenage boy cracking under stress.

and like, listen, I understand there are Watsonian and Doylist layers to this. Alfred fundamentally can't have been a good enough guardian to stop Bruce from channeling his trauma into fursuit vigilantism, because then there's no story. I get it.

but jesus christ.

I don't think characterizations of Alfred as a stoic caregiver are wrong, but I do think people don't want to think about how he got there. when I see the aged Alfred patching up Bruce's wounds and nagging him to eat, or doing his best to offer advice to the kids who have gotten mixed up in Bruce's crusade, I see a man who realized a long time ago that he dropped the fucking ball and has dedicated his life to doing as much damage control as possible. okay, so, completely failed step one (raise a well-adjusted child). can we at least make sure that this basket case adult man doesn't go completely over the edge? can we make sure he doesn't become a killer? can we encourage him to take off the mask and be Bruce Wayne sometimes? can we keep the children safe?

I do think Alfred loves all of them, for whatever its worth. his care for Bruce is real, that is his son, the Batgirls and Robins are his extended family. he'll cook their uneaten meals and clean the entire, massive house himself and stitch them up every night forever. he would die for them. hell, he'd kill for them. he loves them. but none of that means he raised Bruce right.

that's kind of the thing I like most about the Bats: they all care so, so much. but the way they love is terrible.

[jackactuallywrites]

All Seeing, All Knowing, All Loving: Part 6

Rating: Not safe for work in the way that Simon is literally not safe in the workplace.

Warnings: War, artillery

Summary: Who could possibly be calling you after months of silence? HMMM

Notes: It’s small because I’m still digesting Christmas dinner x

Word Count: 755

ao3 link

Who the fuck was calling you at such an ungodly hour?

You were still recovering from the deathly hangover you’d incurred from New Year’s Eve, as well as the truly horrifying amount of cheese, chocolate, and meats you’d ingested over the holiday period, having taken to bed at tea time, when you were woken by the buzzing of your phone, and that god awful ring tone one of your colleagues had snuck onto your phone. You really needed to turn it off; a meowed classic Nokia ringtone was funny for all of five seconds, but now it was nails on chalkboard.

It would go to voicemail if it was important, and nobody in your family was dying or pregnant, so you decided you could ignore it, clicking the lock button to reject it.

You should have known it wouldn’t have worked.

As soon as you’d rejected the call, it started up again, buzzing relentlessly under your pillow. Clearly, whoever was on the other end wasn’t deterred by the idea of waking you from peaceful slumber. Prick.

Resigned to your fate, you grabbed your phone from under your pillow, squinting at the number suspiciously. You didn’t recognise it. If it was spam, you might have to go on a murder mission.

“Hello?”

“Evenin’”

“Evening?” You looked at your phone,

“It’s four in the bloody morning!”

“I do apologise. Didn’t have a chance to ring you earlier.

Hm. That voice was increasingly familiar. That Mancunian accent, the gruff, blunt tone.

“Cunt.”

“Aye.”

Yeah, it was him. You hadn’t thought about him in a while. Well, that was a lie. You thought about him every time you opened your wallet and saw his ID card next to your bank cards. He just wasn’t as present, was no longer the monster hiding in your cupboards or under your bed. You didn’t look over your shoulder for his bulky figure or try to spot his car on the street. It had been a good month or two of peace, until now.

“Still alive then?”

“So far.”

You wondered where in the world he was. British military did seem to find themselves sticking their noses into a lot of things that weren’t at all their business. You knew he wouldn’t tell you where he was, he couldn’t.

“Where are you?”

He just sighed on the other end of the line. That was followed by a loud boom, powerful enough that it made the audio coming from your phone go tinny and weird, and then, a loud metal clunk.

“The fuck are you doing?”

“What does it sound like?”

“Fucking scary is what it sounds like! Why are you calling me in the middle of a damn battlefield? Shouldn’t you be in a fucking bunker or something where there’s a) no signal, and b) actual safety?”

“Wouldn’t be much of a blade if I cowered in a bunker would I?”

Typical.

“My God, why, why are you calling me?”

“Just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.”

The man was fucking insane.

“Right. Sure. Thank you. And merry Christmas and happy new year to you as well. Now will you focus on the not dying please?”

“Sentimental?”

“Fuck off.”

“Aye, figured you were. I’ll be back in one piece.”

“Joy.”

“Aye, miss you too.”

The man missed you? Were you dreaming? You sat up in bed, staring at your phone, bewildered. There was only one possible answer.

“Are you drunk ?”

“Mm. Little.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“They do good beer here. S’nice.”

“Simon, don’t-“ there were too many things that you didn’t want him to do. “Just, don’t be a dick, alright?”

“Tall order. I’ll do my best.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose, flopping back on your pillows.

“I’m going back to sleep. Don’t die.”

“Aye ma’am.”

The call beeped, ending what had been perhaps the strangest conversation of your life. Ghost really knew how to make an entrance back into your head. Already, you were obsessing. Where was he? Was he safe? Well, you already knew he wasn’t. But how unsafe was it? What were the statistics, the deaths? It bothered you that you couldn’t find out. At least there was one thing you could google.

It took some time for your search engine to realise that you didn’t want information on knife blades, the blades from the elder scrolls, or various football teams, with you having to specify ‘who are the blades army uk’ before you finally got your answer.

The SAS.

Good fucking God .

[noihavenosanitythanksforasking]

tldr: the story of how i figured out im gay and why i relate to byler so much. aka why its good rep

this was not supposed to be this long

my best friend doesnt like stranger things bc she thinks the metaphorical texture of the show is gross feeling(valid) but she follows me on here and has had to block the byler tag bc its all i post about these days and shes not into it.

anyways it made me think about why i love byler so much and it definitely has to do with the fact that as a queer person i relate super heavily to their story. being gay is way more acceptable now and i was born in 07 so its not like its was considered a death sentence to be gay in general. however i grew up in the classical church. my mom was part of a religious cult in highschool and i was my parents first kid and they were super protective of me. Im also autistic and i spent most of my childhood very worried about doing and acting the right way to make people accept me. my parents favorite story to tell people about my childhood is that when i finally graduated my crib and got a toddler bed they were worried that i would never let them sleep again. that didnt happen tho, in fact i refused to get out of bed with out express permission and would lay there until they came told me i could get up.

id like to say that i was homophobic growing up but not in the traditional sense. it was more that i was actually afraid of gay people. No one around me ever really said anything blatantly homophobic or had radical ideas about the subject but we were so deep into the church and i was always afraid of everything. when i was in elementary school we would do drills. call and response cult like stuff. theyd ask us to define sin and wed spout off this memorized line about going agaisnt gods will in action or thought or intention. i didnt even know what a gay meant until i got to middle school and the entire idea terrified me. because thats not allowed and when someone brings it up all the adults get that one look on their face and the pastor says that homosexuality is a sin or wtv.

i had this one friend, lets call her jane, at the time. i really liked her but she was kind of a delinquent, she didnt have the best home life and she was kind if an angry kid so when she came out to our friend group as bisexual in i think 7th grade, we (the rest of the group was v religious ) were concerned about it but not really surprised. we werent supportive but we werent angry either. it was more like we werent sure what to do. she had always been a problem child so it didnt seem to out of the blue for someone like her to like girls so we just kind of tried not to talk about it again.

I was a pretty big drama kid at the time( still am) (i swear i have a point to this) and i became friends with this one girl. lets call her belle. anyways i reallllyyyy liked belle i dont think i had a crush on her but i thought she was really cool and fun and liked hanging around her. we werent really close much to my past and present dismay but when i did hang out with her i always had a fun time. a few years later she told me that she was bisexual. this pretty much broke my little brain. because belle was cool and fun and normal and it was the first time when i realized that maybe there was something wrong with the way my church worked. they had to be wrong because there was no way belle was evil and going to hell. i loved being friends with her and i couldn't accept the fact that her liking girls changed anything. she still felt like the same person. still the topic was terrifying to me, i was so afraid that i was wrong or maybe just not smart enough to see the truth. so many people around me that i grew up being told knew what was right, knew what god was telling us said that it was wrong so maybe i just didnt get it. maybe i wasnt close enough to god to understand what made gay people so bad. still something changed from then and the next year i ended up being close to this girl, lets call her beth, (all my other friends had either moved on or were on different sides of our grade and tbh i was terrified of her but i had no one else). Anyways beth also had a crazy homelife she talked a lot about how she hated her family and how she would kill her dad if she could. she also ate highlighters, just drew on her tongue, and sold pictures of her feet on instagram to make money. needless to say as soon as i hit highschool i never spoke to her again, she freaked me out. anyway one day me and beth were walking at recess and she turns to me and tells me that im gay. i knew she was pan at this point and i didnt really care though looking back on it she was definitely flirting with me. I got freaked out and told her there was no way i was gay and assumed that she just wanted me to like her back but id had a crush on a guy before so i couldnt be gay.

speaking of this guy, he sat next to belle in my science class in 6th grade. i sat behind them and they were good friends. we were sort of a trio in that class and i thought he was really nice and funny. he was the first guy id ever been friends with and i assumed that the fact that i enjoyed hanging out with him and having fun meant that i must have a crush on him. because girls and boys cant just be friends. thats what everyone always said at least. one day we were texting and he told me that he liked me and wanted to go out. i csnt describe the feeling i got then. it was this werid mix of anxiety and fear and knowing that i should be excited but instead i was disappointed. and i didnt know why. i told him i wasnt allowed to date til 16 and if he still wanted me then whe could date then. i cried about it for almost a year. which doesnt make any sense because i rejected him not the other way around. but i felt heartbroken. im still not really sure why.

when beth told me i was gay i p much told her to f off in the most good christian way possible but i still thought about it. the idea felt so overwhelming and i couldnt think about it without wanting to have a panic attack so i stopped thinking about it. then i had a gay dream about jane and honestly i should have figured it out then but somehow i completely disregarded.

i changed schools for high school so i was with a lot of new people. i wanted a fresh start. at the time i felt like id been pretending to be someone else for my whole life and i hoped that starting over would help me find myself or something. I always sort of knew i was different from other kids i never felt like we had much in common or something but i could never put a finger of what it was (it was the autism). when i started highschool my main goal was to make friends on my own and conquer my social anxiety when had been crippling throughout middle and elementary. i ended up meeting this girl, lets call her cassie, (so many people ikik) and we became super close. she had a lot of issues as well bc apparently i attract unstable people. she was by far the worst id dealt with though. she was suicidal, ocd, anorexic and hurt her self a lot. it was a very codependent friendship but we were attached at the hip. she was my whole world at the time, nothing else really mattered more than her not killing herself. one day we were texting after midnight and she told me that she thought she might be bisexual and i told her a didnt care. i really didnt care i was more worried about her killing herself. she said she had a crush on someone but wouldnt tell me who and i let the topic die.

then heartstopper came out on netflix and i got DEAD sick. i couldnt even speak. it was very bad. anyways i had a computer at this point and was looking for something to watch. i settled on heartstopper because id heard so many good things about it and i was morbidly( at the time) curious. i watched the entire show in one sitting. i was scared my mom would find out and when she did find out she gave me this hesitant look and said she didnt love the idea of me watching that kind of stuff. i watched it anyways. i was mesmerized dude. the scene of nick nelson in his bedroom, on the verge of tears searching the internet for anwsers was so powerful to me and it was like something clicked in my brain.

what if i am gay??

id never let myself actually ask mysrlf that before. id never dared to even think it was a possibility because of course im straight. id know if i liked girls. but i sat there dead sick and dying slowly and looked over at my book case at all my favorite books. i looked up on youtube how to tell if your bisexual (bc ofc i like guys duh) and it said something about thinking about how you feel about fictional characters and i sat and i thought. it was a very overwhelming week. i thought back to middle school and the strange possessiveness i had over my best friend at the time, the feeling of hurt i always seemed to have when she hung out with someone else. i hated that part of myself. i felt validated in my feelings at the time but i never knew why i felt that way and it felt unfair to her.

at the time i was talking to a guy. he was nice and pretty chill but i sort of knew i didnt like him the way he liked me. i wanted to though. i wanted to like him so freaking badly. so i kept taking to him. id be on the phone with him for 5 hours just talking about nothing and tell myself that this was what its like to like someone. it wasnt a bad experience, he was nice and i liked to talk to him. but i didnt have feelings for him. one night i texted cassie back and told her that maybe i was bi too. she was from a christian household too and we talked for a while one what we should do.

my parents have always had this policy of being honest with each other when sometbing happens in our lives. which i think is pretty normal but my autistic ahh took it very seriously. almost as soon as i started questioning i told them. bad idea, was not ready. i was so scared that somehow theyd look at me and figure out that i was thinking about it, and that theyd be mad that i didnt talk to them about it. i said it at dinner and there was legit forks dropped. my mom took me on a 2 hour long walk to try and explain myself which was HELL because i couldnt even understand what was going on.

"why do you think you like girls??"

"idk"

they eventually dropped the subject.

soon after that me and cassies relationship started to get werid. after being so codependent for so long we had thsi strange sort of toxic need for each other to be sane or something. she confessed that she had a crush on me and i really wasnt sure how to feel about it. she was so important to me and the trauma and confusion and drama of our friendship got all jumbled in my head and we fell into some sort of homo romantic something. we never did anything besides holding hands a few times, but we did that before either of us came out anyways. we went to summer camp summer after freshmen year and shit really hit the fan and we ended up having a friendship breakup. she told me afterwards that she was a devoted christian now, that god had saved her from herself and that now she was straight. i was really lost the rest of that summer. i wasnt sure what to do at all, who i was or what i was supposed to do now that i left the person i had dedicated the past year of my life and my mental health too. i was really suicidal for a few months after that but slowly i got better.

second semester of sophomore year i had my first real crush on one of my close friends at the time. she was straight which sucked but those 6 months of my life were some of the most terrible exhilarating experiences of my life. thats how i knew i wasnt wrong. bc theres no heterosexual option for wanting to make out with a girl in a dirty school bathroom stall.

it was hard though, being in love with someone you know will never feel that way about you. even if at the time i had mostly gotten over the majority of my internalized homophobia theres still that feeling of guilt. you feel so gross and creepy and unwanted. this person doesnt want you, they dont even want your gender but you cant let it go. its a very lonely feeling.

it was around the same time that i figured out that i was a lesbian. after i felt what it was like to like someone, really like someone. to be able to identify that feeling as romantic feelings, it was pretty obvious that i didnt like guys. i felt really bad about the guy i was talking too. he had no idea and id just heen leading him on for almost a year. i felt super shitty about it.

idk if that was coherent but i guess thats why i love byler so much. it feels so raw and real to me. i watch the van scene and i see myself. i see how hard it was and how much i hated myself and wanted so badly to be normal and to be able to talk about boys with my friends without feeling uncomfortable. i see the way mike is with el and i see myself with that boy from middle school. so desperate for affection and so so confused. this feeling of guilt and regret, the heartbreak of loosing someone that you couldve had but you dont want. i want to want it but i dont and its so heartbreaking.

i almost think its a worse feeling that being broken up with. i fell in love with a girl recently and she ended up ending things. i was super upset about it cried for a long time. but still. its not the same hurt. it hurts but its not the same deep primal hurt. sitting on my bathroom floor at 13 years old sobbing my eyes out because im not with a boy that i rejected. wishing that things were different but not wanting to actually change. i broke my own heart and i didnt even mean too

[perplexingluciddreams]

friday we moved house. here is some things that happened. not all in order because my sense of time is bendy.

i did swing on morning of move day. i watched The Bloody Irish DVD. and part of Celtic Woman Emerald DVD. both with Lisa Lambe. (very important special interest).

mum said say bye to old room. i had a long look at it to say goodbye. i remember when it used to have a pink wall and butterfly wallpaper. and furniture in different places. different bed.

then 2 hour car journey!

at new house we got there before the moving trucks. so no furniture. and no heating for a while. so was very cold.

new house is big. much bigger than old house. mum and dad showed me around. even after days i still feel a bit lost... it will take time to learn.

i was so tired so i lie down on the floor and mum put hoodies under my head as pillow. and blankets over me. i had snacks and listen to my "fills brain just right" playlist of safe songs. then when my bed gets here, i went to sit in my bed.

[Image description: Ezra lying on his back on the floor. a few hoodies and a white cushion under his head. he is covered with blankets. he has his hood up and two teddies, one under each arm. his AAC device is on the floor next to him. his phone lays on his chest. his face is covered with a purple blob. end ID.]

[Image description: Ezra lying on his side on the floor with teddies cuddled to his chest. the same white pillow under his head and his phone in his hand. his eyes are closed. end ID.]

i told mum i feel safe and happy at the new house. and mum told dad. and dad came to me and said i gave him "sweaty eyes" (crying a few happy tears because he is glad i feel happy and safe). dad barely ever cries!

friday i had pasta for dinner out a weird bendy measuring container. we couldn't find bowls. but we had forks luckily.

no Internet since friday. the Sky people messed up and cancelled our Internet!! 😡 it was supposed to be monday we get wifi. we have to wait until the 6th of january. mum got me more mobile data.

i used my mobile data to do duolingo, check fitbit app, and check tumblr every so often. i saved posts to my drafts to reblog later. now that i have more data (thanks mum!) i will post all those reblogs.

i watch lots of DVDs. beauty and the beast. DVD was so glitchy from so much use in the past! Belle is my favourite princess since i was little. because she loves books and reading like me!! i watched that film so so many times over and over. almost couldn't watch it this time from so much video AND audio glitch! mum asked if i want a new copy, i said yes please :D

then sleeping beauty and maleficent (in that order). flash gordon, half of tinkerbell (got bored of it), tangled, the jungle book, muppets, the incredibles. camberwick green, bagpuss, mr benn, cult kids classics.

and of course i have watched my Celtic Woman and Lisa Lambe DVDs several times each! they are safe.

and read kindle. i got new books - Saxon Stories series by Bernard Cornwell. it is a long series so mum bought the first 6 for me (they came in a bundle together). these books is what The Last Kingdom is based on! so i hope for more Brida 🤞🏻, she is my favourite!! 😁

i listened to some Alex Rider audiobook too! i figured out how to connect headphones to kindle. sometimes (often) my brain goes on a tangent louder than the audiobook. i have to rewind lots. but i like it!

and i play games on phone. and listen to downloaded music on Spotify.

there was almost a disaster (aka meltdown). because no swing! friday night didn't sleep well. body restless and very stimmy. tense with buzzing energy.

then after dinner on saturday my body got super restless and antsy. and started pacing up and down the long corridor of upstairs. because just HAD to move. couldn't control it. couldn't stop it.

used to happen like this a lot, before i did swinging regularly. in school corridors, around bedroom, walking outside just keep going on and on and on, can't even control direction, my body just goes. even when i am exhausted and aching and legs feel like they are not there anymore. i can't stop it.

same with rocking and swaying and spinning and hitting wrists on hips. and slamming body into walls or bed or furniture. and shaking and flapping hands and arms (often at same time as i walk). all stims just out of control bursting out of me. so much dysregulation.

often would get worked up more and more and end up in meltdown. or sometimes get "lucky" and tire myself out so much then can't move for hours. still felt intense awful inside, but at least not have meltdown AND get in trouble told off punished for meltdown behaviour.

anyway, this time dad saved the day and put (temporary) swing up in living room. from the metal things up high! while i waited mum helped divert my path to my room and helped me stay rocking on my bed instead of pacing. then i did proper big swing. and calmed down. and slept really well that night. crisis averted. swing prevents so so many meltdowns!

[Image description: two pictures of Ezra in his swing. it is a hammock style swing. the first is from further away and you can see where the swing attatches to a metal beam high up. in the first image, Ezra slumps to the side a bit and looks down to his left. in the second picture, Ezra smiles but doesn't look at the camera. he is wearing black headphones. end ID.]

my legs muscles got so tight and sore from the pacing. and from bigger house means more walking. especially sore left (weaker side). my usual walk is quite shuffle-y and slow with short steps, but it was even more like that! and even more dragging left leg than usual.

since i was little i wish to be able to walk more. walking was always hard. tiring, painful. but instead of getting more with time, it got less and less. harder and harder. everything got harder. it is frustrating. i want my body to do so much more. and it is just not able.

i will get a wheelchair assessment here. don't know when. and mum and i talk about walking frame (posterior walker) possibility, to help walking around house. mum says she will ask the wheelchair people because they will know.

stairs are another challenge. bedroom upstairs, swing downstairs. stairs are huge hard work for me. it is possible, but exhausting. painful. especially painful on top of muscles already sore and fatigue from pacing. and few times a day for even a few days, means i get super much fatigue face flush. and sore aching body. drains ridiculous amounts energy. worry about crash.

i go down stairs sometimes sitting on my bum. but sometimes standing and go down one step at a time, always left foot (weaker) first. then for going up it is opposite, right foot (stronger) first and pull a lot with my arms on the banister. but already i crawled up the stairs a couple times. whichever way i do it, it is a huge workout for my whole body. at first i got help going with stairs, but last few times i did it on my own! i feel proud.

mum will call the stairlift people soon. but i don't like stairlift ☹️. even though i need it to be able to use precious energy for nice things (that is how mum says it). i just wish my body would do what i want and not have fatigue and pain like this. also much worry about stairlift makes even stronger "barrier" threshold.

when i can do it with my own body, i get less stuck. because it is more like follow a motor path. there is still a threshold, but my momentum can (usually) carry me over. if stairlift is there, it creates a point where i have to physically stop and change my action/task. that is where i am more likely to get stuck. and stairlift also has a bunch of steps to the task of using it. so if i can't even think of the steps or the order, i can't do it. and if that means i need help - it has to first occur to me that help is an option, occur to me that it is possible to ask for help, think how to ask, ask, and so on.

don't know for sure how it will be, but worry about all that.

bath is also different. harder work. mum keeps routine and order the same though. that helps. it is hard that it is different.

lots of things are a bit different. lots to get used to. water tastes different - at the old house the water was very very soft, here it is harder. it makes juice taste different. and lots of other small things. they add up.

sister came on tuesday night! she was at university but now she will live with us at this house. because it is close to her university. her bedroom is directly across the hall from mine.

i am very bored from lack of wifi. and from not able to get to swing as often. swing is my only physical outlet and my only way to get enough stim to regulate. and need a LOT of swing every single day to stay regulated. have to use so much of my limited energy to swing to avoid meltdown. i am really trying to be good. trying not complain. don't want to be any more a bother.

but i really like the new house. and hope hope hope 🤞🏻 with time it will get even better and better. 😊👍🏻

[gothlcsan]

No, Mr. Ghostface ; HAN JISUNG

PAIRING killer!afab!reader , victim!jisung

GENRE 18+ smut mature

SYNOPSIS reader who taunts the pretty boy in their class, Jisung. you had overheard Jisung’s conversation, expressing his love (and unholy thoughts) for ghostface. so, you study the series, becoming his perfect ghostface.

WORD COUNT 2007

WARNINGS blood, reader is a bit nuts, noncon to dubcon, reader attacks han, gore (not detailed), kissing, handjob, intentional use of pain to subdue han, choking, improper care of open wounds

♫ …baby one more time - the marias

a/n day twelve of kinktober, i decided on something a little close (but still mellow) to the typical things i write. i hope that you enjoy it as much as i did. > < please like and reblog!

Han is curled on the couch, feet tucked into his comforter as his phone rings, he doesn’t recognize the number so he ignores it and settles back to continue his movie. There’s a moment of silence until his phone goes off, Han sighing in annoyance as he gets up to answer it.

“Hello,” Han speaks with a slight annoyed edge to his voice, still not recognizing the number. The other side of the call is quiet for a few seconds which Han nearly hangs up before a sudden voice breaking the silence makes him jump, nearly dropping the phone to the ground in shock.

“I wouldn't hang up if I was you, Han Jisung.”

Han freezes, removing the phone from his ear to see who had called him but it only showed, “no caller id.” He rolls his eyes as he places the phone back to his ear so he could hear the other person rambling on about how he, Jisung, had some freaky fantasies. After the caller said that is when it clicked, this annoying prankster was imitating the scream movies. He decided it had to be one of his stupid friends who was using their conversation from earlier against him, sighing before replying.

“So, Mr. Ghostface, what’s your intentions with this, huh?” Han moves to go sit back on the couch, playing with the frayed ends of his comforter. He's met with silence again, only being able to hear faint rustling. Han repeats himself, beginning to debate on ending the call again but stops when he hears rustling again on the other end and the classic ghostface voice telling him to go to his bedroom. Han bites his bottom lip, he knew the classic horror tropes and how idiotic that would be but curiosity ran through him so he obeyed, standing up and slowly walking up the flight of stairs to his bedroom on the second floor. Walking down the small hallway, he stops at his bedroom door, sighing into the phone as he slowly turns the doorknob, walking in being introduced by nothing. There’s laughter on the other end, the voice asking him if he was scared, informing him how he really was the stereotypical dumb blonde of the horror film for listening to him. Han’s heart raced in his chest, banging against his rips as he angrily hung up the phone and fell into bed. He placed the phone onto the side desk, angrily going back downstairs as annoyance enraged him but there was a slight twinge of arousal, the idea of someone stalking him let alone his weird thing for ghostface’s voice.

The silence is pierced when the landline phone rings this time, not bothering to check the caller id as he answered knowing who it was. He places the phone against his ear, cursing as angry screaming rips through his ears.

“What did I fucking say about hanging up, you want to be murdered you idiotic fuck?”

Han slowly placed the phone back up against his ear when the yelling stopped, sighing with annoyance before speaking.

“Look, this was funny at first but now you’re just being annoying. I’m not sure which one of my friends paid you to bother me but I got to go back to studying which means you need to stop calling.”

There’s silence on the other end of the phone, Jisung asking them if they’re still there. He figured maybe they got the hint to give up on scaring him, going to hang up before he hears a laugh.

“Is watching The Dark Knight what you consider studying now? What’s your homework? Rob a bank?”

Han whips around to stare at his tv screen, seeing it paused on the bank heist scene, his heart beginning to race in fear. He grabs the remote and shuts the tv off, walking around the house to ensure everything was locked. The laughter in his ear makes him nauseous, throwing the phone onto the couch and darting upstairs to grab his cellphone. Slamming his bedroom door behind him he makes a mess of his side table hunting for his phone swearing he left it there, his blood running ice cold when he hears it going off in the closet. Han knows he shouldn’t, this would be on his top ten list of dumbest decisions he’s ever made, but there was still that twinge of hope this was all a prank set up by his friends. Taking a deep breath he throws open both doors to his closet, cautiously bending down to pick up the phone, hanging up the call. He doesn’t take his eyes off the array of black clothing silently cursing himself for doing such, slamming the closet doors and going to run back downstairs. However, he slams into something instead, no more so someone. Han swears, trying to push past them instantly recognizing the classic Ghostface attire, swearing loudly as his thigh gets swiped by the blade. He tumbles down onto the ground in the hallway, clenching his thigh as he scoots further down hoping to reach the stairs. Han didn’t care, he’d rather roll down the hard wooden stairs than be killed by a copycat killer, reaching the stairs setting himself up to roll but yanked back by his hair, screaming in agony as he gets thrown back into a table, the potted plant shattering next to him as it makes contact with the floor.

You let go of his hair, kicking the broken shards of pottery out of your way as you step closer to Han, squatting next to him. Pressing the blade against Han’s throat, you ensure it’s not deep enough to cause any damage, but enough to get your point across. Han stops moving, staring up at the masked man - no woman on top of him, failing at not getting distracted by how hot the situation felt to him. He goes to speak, grimacing as the blade cuts deeper, opting out on speaking and just lying there compliantly. A hand sneaks its way down to his thighs, the thin fabric of his shorts leaving nothing to the imagination, Han silently moaning as the gloved hand wraps itself around his balls, tugging to the point it felt like they’d be ripped off. No longer caring about the blade against his throat, Han moans loudly, arching his body to get more out of the hand touching him.

“You look so stupidly pathetic, are you seriously this turned on when I can simply kill you,” you questioned, the crackle in the voice disguise making Han light up. The idea of him being murdered in his own apartment was slightly thrilling, especially with the Ghostface on top of him, who started to squeeze the base of his cock with enough force to bruise it. He brings a hand to caress the cheek of the mask, forcing the intruder down so he can plant a kiss against the opened mouth, now completely disregarding the reality of the situation. You’re slightly taken aback by it not realizing how deranged Han really was. Going to pull yourself back Han looks at you with so much yearning you feel it clench around your heart, opting to stay put. Raising the knife up you watch Han scrunch his eyes in fear, no in acceptance, as you slam it into the wooden floor beside his head, telling him to lift his hips. He obliged with your demands, hissing between clenched teeth as the cut on his thigh is also moved, watching you intensely. Wrapping your hand around his throat, not caring about the pain he’d be in, you tell him to instead stand up and walk to his bedroom. You follow close behind, yanking the knife out of the floor, there goes his security deposit, you chuckled in your head, growing annoyed with his slow steps as he clung to the wall for support.

“Jesus fucking christ, move already.” You screamed at him, angrily going behind him and pushing him into the bedroom, kicking him behind the knee to cause him to slam chest first onto the floor. The air is thrown out of his lungs, Han curled into a fetal position in pain, whimpering when you squat next to him. Debating on what to do with Han, you settle for grabbing him by the back of his neck, having his eyes water as he slowly lifts his head up to look into his mirror. Humility covers his skin in a flushed red, his dick hard in his shorts from the situation. You didn’t have time to be patient with him or take your time as you hoped, knowing his downstairs neighbors surely heard the rokus and would be complaining soon enough. Damn old fucks, you thought to yourself. Pulling his shorts down to his ankles you ignore Han’s pained cries and his annoyed remarks over his blood staining the carpet, rolling him onto his back. The glossy look in his eyes fills you with thrill, Han being a very pretty crier, lifting up the end of the cloak to show off your black lace panties. Han moans staring at your body, growing prideful as you take his leaking dick into your free hand, giving it a few painfully slow strokes. His head fell to the side, his teeth clenched in pain but he was ignoring it, choosing to focus primarily on the pleasure you were giving him with your hand. Part of you debates walking away but you were not going to lose this opportunity, quickening the pace of your strokes as Han grabbed at your arm, grumbling about it being too much.

“You’re such a perv.” You laughed at him as he barely nodded, agreeing with everything you said to him. Han’s hands shake against your arm as you rubbed your thumb pad in and out of the slit of his dick, spreading the precum down his shaft. You weren’t entirely focused on pleasuring him, more so entertained with how much he was enjoying this with you, a complete stranger unbeknownst to him the reality of you being a classmate. Refocusing yourself on Han, you go back to stroking him, grabbing his hand to bring down to your panties letting him feel the lace under his fingertips. You bite down on your bottom lip, licking off the iron taste of blood, cursing yourself mentally for enjoying the way his fingers felt in between your legs. Needing to focus, you swat his hand away telling him that was enough, lying by saying he was terrible, solely focusing on making him cum by your hand. Han scrunches his eyes together, eyebrows furrowed as he tries his best not to cum, eyes shooting open when you harshly slap the cut on his thigh, demanding that he cum already.

The muscles in his stomach tighten and then relax as he cums, spilling over your closed fist, his groans gurgled with his saliva being in pain and bliss simoustanly. Leaning forward, you tell Han to keep his eyes shut or you’ll take the knife to his stupid face, tipping your mask back just enough to expose your lips. Trailing your lips down his throat, you pepper his wound with kisses, smirking at the pained noises he made, wiping your dirtied hand against his shirt, fixing your mask before getting up to walk downstairs.

“Are you seriously going to leave me like this?” Han questioned while trying to sit up, his thigh throbbing in pain whilst doing so.

“You figure it out, freak.” Is all you say as you walk away, throwing him your lace panties, knowing that pervert would be using them to get off once more before attending to his wounds. Tucking the mask and knife into your cloak, fixing your hair as you pass the hallway of doors, an old lady popping her head out to which you smile at, telling her to have a goodnight.

Han Jisung was now your pretty victim and you weren’t going to let anything stop you from having him.