#so i can’t ask a therapist/mental health professional for help bc i can’t trust them anymore

[heartisbrave]

tbh i really need some advice but idk where to get it….

[lewmagoo]

Sorry I am a Christian (not a good one) and I do have religious trauma, church in gen kind of burns me out and I cant stand but I still believe and its all about God loving and love and all

My parents are pastors and are huge advocates for therapy. My mom has pointed out how people in the Bible suffered from mental health and how it isnt a new thing, how it isnt just "the state of the world now" or "a phase", but how people needed help back then even. Yeah, sure they turned to God like we should, BUT THEY NEEDED THERAPY. People have told my mom "uh but they should pray more and God can take the feelings away he's all powerful he created everything" and my mom deadass looks them in the eye and says "yeah sure they can pray more so can you and I. Since God is all powerful there must have been a reason he created therapy, because we need it."

My mom is probably the best example of a Christian I've ever seen irl, she loves and advocates for love and mental health.

I dont understand people sometimes like esp Christians who are against therapy and advocating for mental health. If it helps you and heals you???? Why not?????

You can delete this if you want, idc, I just really can't stand when "christians" do that. As someone who claims to be a Christian, I am sorry.

i completely agree. therapy is so important. it’s okay to ask for help. i grew up baptist and for so long the mindset was like “just pray the mental health issues away!” it’s such an archaic, harmful way of thinking. thankfully, since we have a new pastor with new, more progressive ideas, my church is becoming a lot more open to mental health issues and how to get help for them. which is great. but older church members, my parents included, are still of the mindset that you just need to pray more! god will help you! like okay? i’ve tried that. ive tried to seek god through my rock bottom moments and depressive episodes and it simply wasn’t enough.

i thought something was wrong with me. especially when i was going through some incredibly traumatic events and tried to seek god and felt alone. so i decided to see a therapist. and that was when i realized it’s okay to ask for help. god and the bible aren’t automatic fix-it’s for mental health problems. seeing a therapist isn’t shameful or wrong or admitting you think god can’t help you. if i so choose, i can maintain a relationship with god while also seeking outside help for my mental health. i haven’t been able to go to another therapist for a while bc of other circumstances, but it was an immense help to me when i was able to, and i would never tell anyone “oh just trust god and you’ll be fine! read the bible!” because that’s just not realistic. some people need professional help rather than religion.

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[imbellarosa]

I'm likely the most anxious person alive. My anxiety is just terrible. I'm never not worrying and panicking and feeling so paranoid about things in my life. Except now it's reached a whole new level where I'm constantly plagued with anxious thoughts in this fandom. It's kind of fully taken over my life where my first thought when I wake up is about them, to the hours I'm lying awake (oh it's fun being an insomniac) waiting for sleep to finally grant me some serenity. It doesn't matter how many

, Atimes I tell myself I have no control over anything and I'm only ever seeing a tiny bit of the whole story so it's pointless. I try so hard to choose to not worry and not go insane thinking about everything but alas, anxiety is not a choice. This has manifested itself in a multitude of ways. Lyric analysis used to be something I savoured doing bc I have always connected so deeply with words and literature and I'm always someone who wants to dig deep beneath the surface, to see the parts of ppl

& lyrics that others gloss over, just delving into the core of things, seeing ppl for who they truly are. But now, I feel like I am losing it, that it's all become like this weird obsession. We all know BNFs are like DO NOT CHERRY PICK LYRICS and basically IGNORE THAT WEIRD GUT FEELING ABOUT ANY LYRICS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SOMETHING'S NQR and they can sue me but I don't work like that. I've been obsessing over certain lyrics that I can't decipher or find an alternate meaning to the literal

one & obviously if it were to be taken literally it would be bad. And I just get so mad at myself for not understanding when words have always been my thing right? Like it was always where I excelled with flying colours and it came so naturally to me and then I get so exasperated with them (okay mainly H for his unfathomable lyrics) bc I want to understand more than anything (& I think deep down he craves being understood too) but he makes it so hard. But that's not the extent of it, I just

worry incessantly about everything. I just can't turn off my mind and it feels like it's on the verge of exploding. I wish I knew how to just take everything lightly & just revel in this fandom & have fun but instead I feel jaded and vexed all the time. And sometimes that infuriation is directed towards them & I feel guilty as I know that's unfair but I can't help it but it just gets on my nerves bc of the things they do & say (or rather don't do/say) haha so fun!! Apologies for this whole spiel

Hey anon <3! First of all, my inbox is always open, so jot that one right down. Second of all, I’m gonna say something that might sound out of line, but I think I have to say it: this sounds like your mental health might not be in a great place right now. And I don’t mean your “in fandom mental health”, I mean it sounds like your anxiety is giving you a really hard time overall, which, believe me, I know how much that sucks.  Life is a lot right now. But what I am hearing you say is that this fandom has become a really tangible manifestation of those anxieties. Let me know if I’m way off base here, okay? But I’m going to ask some questions (that you totally don’t have to reply to me - you can absolutely just take inventory on your own if that’s how you feel most comfortable.

Are you safe? If you’re not safe, is there someone you can call? If not, here is the International Association for Suicide Prevention so that you can find resources in your area. If you are at all contemplating this, please stop reading right here and give them a call. 

If you are safe, do you have someone you can talk to about how you feel? This can be someone that knows who you are in the fandom and can talk to you with immediate replies, or someone outside of fandom, like an irl friend or family member. 

This question is primarily to do with a non-professional support system: do you have one you feel you can trust? If not, what are the things you could do to work towards that? 

This question is about professional support: it sounds to me like you’re saying that your anxiety is really impairing your day to day functions. If this is the case, do you have a professional you can talk with about potential coping skills? It sounds like fandom used to be one, but as the environment here changed, so did your relationship with it, and so maybe reaching out to someone that can point you in other directions for coping skills is a good thing. Because I don't know where you live, my best advice would be to call your physician and explain the symptoms you’ve been having and ask if they have a list of therapists that you could see for little to no charge. If you don’t have a physician (and I often don’t) then google is your best friend here. There are some resources available, but none of them take the place of seeing a doctor. In the US, if you don’t have insurance, you can go to a local community clinic and ask to be put on a waiting list for a therapist, if you’d like. 

I know that you’re saying that your anxiety is making it really difficult to disengage with BNFs and the discourse and all, but do you think that we could take it one step at a time? Like, for example, the lyric thing seems to really trigger your anxiety, so could you unfollow one blog (just one!) that makes you feel like that, and then see if you like your dash a bit better? It is TOTALLY okay to unfollow someone for your own mental health, and it isn’t a negative reflection on either of you! 

Do you think that engaging with other media would help at all? For example, Supernatural has 15 whole seasons of absolute campy goodness which I really, really unironically adore. When this fandom gets too much, I turn on an episode and get lost in it for a hot second. Another thing I really enjoy is Good Omens! The book is AMAZING, and the TV show is HILARIOUS! And while we’re on recs, I SUPER SUPER recommend anything by Neil Gaiman, but “Stardust” in particular is a great, soothing read for me, and I LOVE the audiobook! Ah! Hot Tip! I pay for audible, and it is one of the BEST things for my anxiety, especially when I pick the right books. The voices are soothing, the stories are great, and I can just...tune everything else out. 

If other media doesn’t help, would other hobbies? Would you be willing to go on a walk once a day to look for pretty stones or to ride your bike out with a book and stay for a minute or to start drawing at home or to write? Is there a way that you think you could healthily express these emotions which are a really normal response to an abnormal situation (the world is kinda a mess rn) 

It sounds like you are feeling really badly that you don’t think you can get a grasp on the songs. Is there something you can do to rebuild your confidence here? Can you talk about it with a fandom friend, or write down all your theories and see which one sticks or start a brand new analysis with something that has nothing to do w H or L and then come back to the drawing board? 

These are just questions that I would ask a friend that came to me with these issues, but honestly, I cannot stress #4 enough - if your anxiety is overwhelming (and it sounds like it is) then speaking to a professional is *so so so* important. I think it’s time to go take care of yourself, anon, and the boys will be here when you’re ready to interact with their content again. They’ll wait, you know? And I’ll be here the whole time if you want to do check-ins with me. I want to know that you’re okay, friend <3 

[freckliedan]

idk if you can actually give me advice or if I’m simply void shouting but every time I see a post that’s like “here’s symptoms of adhd” I read through them and am just “hahaha...I do that...” but then I feel really gross because I can’t afford a doctor to find out, and I know it’s harder to diagnose in women anyways so I feel like it’d be futile, but at the same time I feel really frustrated because knowing would mean I could properly manage it :/ but also like what if I’m just making it all up?

hey b ❤ i'm super passionate about this, so the poeer of a hyperfocus has overridden the tiredness i'm dealing eith today! and thank you so much for trusting me with this ask ❤ you are so valid and i absolutely don't think you're making it up!

self diagnosis is something i support so heavily, especially for afab folks whose adhd was overlooked. every single one of my close friends is neurodivergent (adhd and autism are both forms of neurodivergence, + some other diagnoses i think?); some still have no diagnosis, some were diagnosed after starting therapy for other reasons, and some were diagnosed because they self diagnosed & specifically sought out a diagnosis. if it helps to hear at all, being diagnosed before self diagnosis is by far the least common experience-most frequently i meet neurodivergent folks who never would've been diagnosed if they didn't self diagnose first.

also, girls and women aren't inherently difficult to diagnose! it's hard for afab folks to get a diagnosis bc the institution of medical and mental health care systemically disbelieves and maltreats us by refusing to listen to us, take our needs seriously, or study us :).

so the probelm is more that there's more anectdotal material & the academically approved of information/studies that exist are newer (and there are less of them than those focused on cis white men/boys). bc of that, the info that does exist isn't very universally known. the sexism and gross misunderstanding of adhd present in most mental healthcare providers makes me sick; i see it so frequently in textbooks and classes that i'm taking. textbooks published as recently as 2013 are still teaching that adhd is less common in girls & women and that's literally untrue! gendered socialization just causes it to look different & be recieved differently!

using psychologytoday's therapist finder tool (link) can help you find someone who specializes in neurodevelopmental disorders, which means they should be suitably knowledgeable about adhd in afab folks. (including that in case anyone else reading this is in a similar boat). also, if you're in the united states and live near a college, you may be able to access therapy at extremely low costs (i pay $8 a session) if they have a graduate student run clinic?

something really impoetant to know, though, is that not everyone seeks diagnosis. some folks' lives would be made significantly harder by a diagnosis or mis-diagnosis that follows them on paper forever; it's ok to only seek a diagnosis if you think the resources you would gain access to would be helpful enough that you want a diagnosis! it's also ok to seek a diagnosis if you think having the validation of a professional would be meaningful! the important thing is that it's what you think would help you the most.

and if you're self diagnosing adhd or think you may have adhd but aren't comfortable claiming the label for yourself, & you feel guilty about it? you don't take anything away from anyone else with your self diagnosis. a lot of brain stuff has overlap in terms of experiences (for example, executive dysfunction affects ppl w/ adhd, depression & more) which means a lot of overlap in coping mechanisms/skills for best navigating your brain! there's so much support & so many resources out there, and you're absolutely welcome to accessing them ❤.

everyone's experience of adhd is extremely individual, but i have an entire adhd tag on my sideblog (link), & i reblog a fair amount of things here too (link) if you're looking for somewhere to start in terms of coping things past just symptom lists? & if you especially connect with any posts, you can probably check OP's blog for more!

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

I feel like a burden to my partner bc of my mental illnesses, what should I do

Well firstly, you should not be a burden to your partner because of your mental illness. Dating someone with a mental illness can indeed be hard, but if you are burdening your partner, and they are struggling in some sort of way, they should communicate that to you. If they have not communicated that to you, assume that it's not true.

What's what I say to you in a perfect world, and the advice is no less true because we live in an imperfect world. You should feel confident in your relationship! But as said, world imperfect, so let's go a layer deeper than the canned advice.

If YOU feel like a burden to your partner, that does not make it true. You can see that this is basically the inverse of the previous statement. If you're the one that feels like you're a burden, then the duty falls on you to prove that that's true before jumping to any sort of conclusions. You can't just assume that you are a burden if you are not. The best way to prove this is by straight up asking your partner if they feel like you are a burden. "I'm sorry to ask this, because it might sound weird to say. But I'm worried about my mental illness and how it affects you. Do you feel burdened by my mental issues?" Simple and clean.

By asking this, you open up a line of honest communication with your partner that's very critical for solving this issue. Most people, when asked this question, will just say, "No, you don't burden me, are you crazy?" and the conversation can move there. HOWEVER, if your partner is burdened by your mental illness, this is the ideal time to tell you, so they will probably take it. "Actually, yeah, when you  have depressive episodes, it's really hard to deal with you sometimes." Things like that.

So let's pretend your partner IS burdened in some way. You didn't actually tell me what kind of mental issue you struggle with, so my advice gets a bit sketchy from this point out. Caring for someone with depression, caring for someone with anxiety, caring for someone with bipolar disorder, and caring for someone with schizophrenia are very different things, because they're very different mental illnesses. But the fundamental thing to do realize in this situation is, at the end of the day, your partner is not responsible for caring with you due to your mental illness. They are not a psychologist, and if they are, they are not YOUR psychologist. Any help they give you, any bit they're willing to lift you up and help you succeed, that's them doing that out of charity and you should appreciate that they are trying, because a lot of people wouldn't try.

If they do say that they are struggling to deal or cope with your mental illnesses, ask what things about it bother you most. See if you can fix anything. In example, maybe you're anxious, and whenever you have an anxiety attack, you need to calm down by talking to someone. And since they are the person you trust most and have the most open line of communication with, that sometimes means you're texting and calling them at 4am, waking them up, to scream and cry about whatever gave you anxiety. That's not ideal for them, because they were probably sleeping, and probably have a long day ahead of them, and you're interfering with that.

If this example is true, then you need to figure out how to have other coping mechanisms, or other methods of communicating with them. This is best done through boundaries. For me and my friends, my boundary that I set is, "You can message me online LITERALLY ANY TIME, but if I'm offline, don't expect a response even if it's an emergency, because I have all notifications turned off. If you still want to message, just be patient and I'll respond as soon as I'm online." That's a boundary that's fair to me, and I give them full  disclosure of the boundary, so it's fair to them. If I'm not online and they really need me, well tough luck, they'll have to either wait or talk to someone else. But in the 12+ hours of the day I am available, I'm available, and they need not hesitate.

Define those boundaries with you and your partner. When is it appropriate to communicate with them about mental issues? Are they willing to aid 24/7? Not when they're asleep? Not when they're asleep and busy with family? Not ever? The answer will vary for everyone so check liberally and define what is and is not acceptable.

And again, your unique issues might be very different depending on the context of your mental issue. This is why, at the end of the day, your partner is not your therapist. If you have a mental illness, you need to be seeing a therapist, psychologist, or some other mental health professional that can actually help you with your issues. If you are burdening your partner, the easiest way to lessen that burden is by getting the help you really need if it's taking that much of an active, negative affect on your life.

[susventingdolphins]

My sister no longer feels like a friend (No TL;DR, but if you want to get to the last breaking incident and skip the past context / events go to the bottom)

I (23) have these two friends I'll call them L (21) and X (23), L has been like a sister to me for 3 years. I still love her as one but so much has happened that I don't love her as a friend anymore. L and X I've helped with their mental health since I met them, L for 3 years I've been her on call pseudo friend-therapist trying to help her so she could eventually get professional help for herself. Its been non stop taking care of her and having friends around us favor her and abuse me and neglect me to force me to be the perfect "caretaker" for her by "toughening me up" L knew about this but shrugged it all off. L Rarely reciprocated with listening to me, when i did try to go to her she'd be judgemental and threaten me to force me into things I didn't want to do. So eventually I rarely went to her unless it was dumb friend sh*t and nothing big in my life. And even then it was only when I wanted to end my own life did I go to her. But she always blew me off and it was my husband who had to pull me back each time.

The major issues though? It started off last year First incident with L Blew off my past abuse out of no where, using her religion to push me into forgiving the man who sexually, physically and verbally abused me, gave my whole family ptsd, gave my mother physical scars, screwed up and ruined my one brothers knee, hurt me so badly that I live with constant physical pain as a result from too much force / physical trauma to my body. But L told me I had to forgive him that abuse is a cycle and only god can judge. When I told her to stop and told her she should know better as shes been through verbal abuse and emotional manipulation from both of her parents. She insisted I was being ridiculous by still hating him and having ptsd from him. Got angry and offended and told me again only god can judge and that im not allowed to or I'll go to hell. Second Incident with L She compared me to her abusive mother out of the blue when I was trying to help prevent L from ending her own life scared for her, all because she had insecurities and anxiety and outright admitted to me she let her imagination run wild and painted a completely different version of me in her own head, yet she still judged me for the actions of that imagined version things I never even did or said and she held them against me. Third incident with L She knows I have a fear of men bc of my PTSD, Men are terrifying even online for me, the older they are the worse it is. It causes me major panic attacks so I prefer to outnumber men with females and nonbinary friends when Im with new men so I don't feel overwhelmed. I like to take things slow with men. L however thought it was a good idea to throw me in a group chat with 5 men and just the two of us and to make it worse pressured and forced us into a voice call, acting depressed and hurt if I didn't join. She told me she was trying exposure therapy to help me get over it. I never asked her to do such a thing and I had a major panic attack. I got angry at her for this and she got defensive and angry and when I didn't let it go she then wanted to take her own life again. When I apologised to her for being mad and forced myself to let it go suddenly she was all rainbows and sunshine again. Fourth Incident with L I had a dangerous ex friend, who I couldn't leave bc they were threatening me and had found out my IP address. L knew this I spoke to her about this. I legally could do nothing bc it was JUST online they hadn't made a move yet so I couldn't get legal help. L forced me to leave that ex friend threatening to leave me as a friend if I didn't and assured me I'd be fine if I broke it off, told me I don't really trust her or love her if I didn't. Even though I told L of the risks and the fact I couldn't legally protect myself because even if the ex did do something cyber crimes are often brushed off in my town and laughed off unless she DOES leak the IP or my address (and often times thats still ignored until someone physically tries to harm me or stalk me). It doesn't stop her from leaking everything else about me. The ex friend then leaked all my emails, my social medias, my face, to people online, including to hate groups of asexuals, knowing I was ace, one of the biggest things I wanted to avoid. the IP didn't get leaked but the ex friend did threaten to leak it if I went against her again, I then had a lot of threats flooding my email address after. Now as for long standing issues over the past 3 years 1. She would always bring up how much she hated her skinny body when I felt insecure of being fat 2. She would always get mad at me for wanting to lose weight because she felt I was hating on myself by wanting to lose even one pound, told me god made me this way and I was being disrespectful if I change it, even when it was for medical reasons. 3. She insinuated a lot that I wasn't good enough for my husband that because I have depression he deserved better 4. She threatened me all the time to tell my brother who has depression, that I was suicidal and pile all of my own problems on him knowing it'd

hurt him if I ever ended my friendship with her, she'd do this whenever I got mad at her for anything. 5. She never accepted that she hurt me a lot, instead she'd either suddenly want to die every single time until I let it go or she'd try to gaslight me into making it all my fault she hurt me. I never could communicate with her. 6. she constantly criticised me for not having as easy of a time learning as other people and for being unable to grasp anything in math (except the basics) and science. She also constantly corrected and mocked and made fun of me for my punctuation and grammar and discouraged me from following my dreams to become an author. 7. Constantly got jealous about all my new friends and trash talked them 8. Flirted with my IRL big brother trying to lead him on and use him to cheat, when she was in relationships with other men and knew my brother was off limits. 9. Trash talked my mother no matter how many times I got angry at her for it. 10. Forced me to voice chat and do so often without breaks, even when I didn't want to though she knew I had major anxiety involving using my actual voice to speak (its linked to my social anxiety, its weird and I don't get it myself. But speaking physically genuinely mentally pains me to do) 11. Sent me monetary gifts even when I told her not to, and always joked about me owing her, and went on about how much money they cost her and how much of her money she had left. 12. All the gifts she did send me was things she liked that she knew I disliked and she got angry if I didn't fall in love with these things. 13. Would disrespect my s*x repulsion (part of my own asexuality. Its my side of the spectrum) and force me into uncomfortable topics talking all about her having s*x with her boyfriends. For those wondering why X is also a problem: through all these each time I asked him what to do when talking to L didn't work, X excused her behaviour and blamed and pinned everything on me for "not trying hard enough to be a good friend, not being understanding enough, not being patient enough. You know how L is, its just her nature! You should be putting more legwork in to make up for it, you know she loves you. would she put up with you if she didn't? She only wants what is best for you, give her a break. Shes doing this all for you. You have to take care of her! you owe her, she deserves it." ‼️LAST INCIDENT FOR THOSE WHO DON'T WANT TO READ ALL OF THIS‼️ then the most recent incident with her some context first: I take mental health breaks, I am bluntly honest about what im going through if asked if I trust someone. If you're not part of the problem I always let you know why im leaving even if I don't go into detail. This is something I've said and made clear numerous times over the years and even warn people about the day we become friends so they have time to back out if they can't handle a friendship that isn't constant messaging. L and X for the past 6 months have ghosted me and been cold towards me, responding maybe 1 / 20 times and always short and curt unless they needed help for something. The whole time I waited for them, I helped them even when I was having bad day after bad day, my own mental health was dipping which i informed them of incase I seemed cold after awhile and couldn't keep up being bubbly. But I kept trying to make their day sending cute little supportive messages constantly and checking up on them bi-daily when I knew it was particularly a hard week for them. I waited and waited thinking "They will talk to me when they need me or when they feel ready. It'll be okay, Whatever it is we can tackle it together" and this is also something I expressed to them, that I noticed something is wrong but I'm here if they need me whenever they are ready. That the option is always open and I loved them. Then they got colder and colder, they started making snide jabs at me all the time which I brushed off as them having a bad day every single time. They made jabs about every part of my personality being annoying, my appearance being annoying and treated my

looks with disgust, they hated every single thing I got into and liked and got angry if I didn't like every single thing they did, they found any reason to criticise me those 6 months every single day. And on my 3 year friendship anniversary with them they treated me even colder and picked a bunch of small fights with me throughout the whole day from what games i was playing, to my choice of clothes, to what I ate to how much and how little I spoke, everything was wrong wrong wrong. Then fast forward to 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago L started a huge fight with me L told me my depressive break downs were pity parties minimized and scoffed and laughed at them. She told me My husband only puts up with me and I don't deserve him and im abusive and toxic for having depression that because I don't get better it hurts everyone else that I can't be happy all the time and im toxic because I "choose to have depression" She told me Im abusive for taking mental health breaks that by taking them and walking away from all social media for a few days at a time, im "practically telling us we're not good enough and we're unloveable." and that I am toxic for taking breaks. Her words. Im toxic for being friends with people I've fought with in the past and "stupid, naive, retarded, foolish, cowardly" that I love the pain and bathe in it and thats why I never get better. That im a "sh*tty friend for being depressed" told me to just willpower away my depression and anxiety. She told me I deserved to be depressed and have anxiety, told me I brought it on myself, told me my past didn't matter that my PTSD is my own fault, told me I never had to be perfect (I did in the past as a kid have to be to avoid being given to an abusive criminal bc he had this town wrapped around his finger into believing he was innocent as can be, this is something that lasted with me from I assume PTSD, I strive to be perfect to fix all my flaws I possibly am able to, and hide most of my negative emotions. This has never ever effected how I treated others, only how I treat myself. It also is something I've tried for years to snap out of but never been able to manage to.) and that im no ones saviour (never said, acted or claimed I was) and to stop helping other people, told me im nothing and no one and no one cares about me. Told me I don't matter and no one would care if I did die that im insignificant. She told me she was hurt I don't talk to them how I feel about them and keep it to myself instead when she knows they are hurting me. She then compared herself to my ex friend who abused me for 6 years straight and numerous times had tried to drive me to suicide. She then told me It was my fault she has insecurities. When I told X all that happened X blamed me for it telling me I deserved it and everyone else was too cowardly and everyone was thinking it and wanted to do it to me. He then told me he loved me and wanted me to talk to him how I felt about him, so I was honest decided "Okay I must be in the wrong if they both are upset" I apologised to them both for everything they accused me of because I genuinely felt bad. L and I kept talking because I was trying to fix things, L told me that I X and Her "Know we aren't your only friends but it'd be nice if we were, I'd like that it'd make me so much happier" She told me that she feels like she has to change to a warmer person and im a bad person for her feeling that way because she feels like she has to match up to my energy because I get depressed when they ignore and ghost me for weeks on end that its just "how we are, its our nature. We're cold people" Then turned around in the fight to tell me I have to change and become colder, that they hate who I am as a person, they hate that im affectionate and get attached to people. L told me X and her have been talking behind my back, sent me logs of it of the two of them insulting and mocking me and told me they did it out of love and frustration and in those logs X had told L many of my secrets I trusted X with, he didn't keep a single one. I went back to

X deciding to be honest since they want honesty, and told him about what L showed me and that I didn't trust the two of them anymore after this and the things said were harsh and hurted a lot and a lot of it did feel inaccurate while some things were on the nose, and he told me he didn't want to be my brother anymore, told me I was a bad friend and I again deserved what panda did, then he ghosted me. After this all happened, I snapped and something clicked and changed inside and I felt cold towards them. Affectionate to those who actually showed me love, and happier again because I trusted L the most and she broke my heart. It felt like I hit an epiphany. I became a new person, I changed my name online, I cut off toxic friends, I patched things up with old friends, I communicated more about my feelings so there'd be no misunderstandings anymore with good friends because of my own anxiety and insecurities with them. I was happier I had really good friends by my side who love me. I was a new me, I found myself again and it felt like there was light again in a tunnel that has been long and dark since I was 12. Fast forward to 3 days ago and she messaged me again after us not talking since that incident. She apologised and I felt relieved, but thats not the end. Her apology took a very unexpected turn. She told me she was only sorry she never said anything earlier, but she did not regret a single thing she said or did to me over the years since we met and especially not what she said and did that day. She told me again I was a horrible human being for being depressed and toxic for hating my own appearance and trying to lose weight. She then said "I know better, I knew better and let my own insecurities get to me. But its YOUR fault. You never told me otherwise. I didn't go to you either but you never told me what I needed to hear, you're supposed to be good at reading people, its your fault not mine" Told me that she is hurt by me for me taking mental health breaks, said I was doing it to be malicious to her and X, that there was no way I wasn't, even though she "knows better her insecurities say its that way so it has to be and its my fault for making her feel insecure." She then told me she wants to stop being friends but also wants to hold onto me. Told me I'd have to do a lot of work, when I spoke to her about all she ever did that hurt me, how I felt she turned around and made it all about herself. She then told me it'd be me that would have to change who I am as a person. "Become colder, Stop caring about others, Be warmer to us, don't leave us behind, stop taking mental health breaks" Then she told me "Its my fault you changed, I did well but I don't like how you changed. I pushed you onto that new path leaving myself stuck behind. I dislike this new you, I didn't expect for that to change your whole life and who you were. I don't like it, maybe we can change it back and be friends again" She then told me "the misunderstanding caused me to distrust you, you'll have to repair that if you want us to be friends still. I'll TRY but you have to fix everything or this wont work out" If we do stay friends shes going to be a casual video games only kind of friend only bc I still do love her. But honestly if we stop being friends Im fine with that too. Either way shes lost all right to be a big part of my life again and shes lost trust she'll never get back from me.

[avajpeg]

Hi! I've followed you for TMA but now i am weirdly invested in you and your crush? It seems like you could be really sweet together, but no pressure to act on it or anything like that jdhdhs But do you want to tell more about them? They seem to be cool, do they like TMA too? :)

Oh god oh god im so sorry about this. I wish i‘d be posting more tma like the last episode was so damn good but yea this. Im gonna be up and about in like six hours and literally cannot fall asleep because i told my flatmate and best friend about this and shes been so encouraging that it just. Mmesses me up. Like you dont even KNOW how bad this guy got me, beyond the immense stress about identification and gender stuff that i‘m going through AGAIN thanks to all of this, but the worst of all is that he is somewhat of a musician and he doesnt listen to tma but because i keep talking about this he made an entire remix of mag136 for me. Like ... it doesnt get worse than this right? He came to me on my birthday, gave me a cd of his mixes that i have previously expressed interest in, and told me, in front of all present friends, that he made the first track on that cd, which is a remix of my favourite podcast, for me. And all could be well if i wasnt a questioning lesbian maybe coming to terms that i am in fact bisexual, literally ALWAYS busy, extremely shelf conches and also suddenly really jealous about the fact that another shared friend of ours is spending a lot of her time with him (which she assured me today that it wasnt anything of that kind and yea, shes often times just joking about stuff like that, like i believe her but it doesnt make me LESS jealous because i know he‘s like.... looking 👁👁 not necessarily for her but for SOMEONE. and i keep hearing stories how he triea to chat up girls at uni but they always have a boyfriend or smth) and ALSO that the guy in question, he‘s ....... idk how to say this but he‘s a pisces man so like. God i have too many of those in my life anyways. And he‘s extremely honest and like, good at heart and really open about stuff and he TRUSTS ME with personal things and i just feel like i cannot do the same thing for him. I literally need to pep talk myself into admitting this little crush to my best friend of 18 years. I am not an open person irl, believe it or not 😳😳😳 anyways im losing my mind over this guy because he‘s so lovely to me (and this time i dont think its comp het bc i know what THAT feels like) and also fm keeps saying that he likes me best in our little friend group and i WISH i could spend more time with him but i literally. Have trouble spending time with my literal, live-in flatmate who‘s sleeping two rooms over so i just feel like this whole thing is futile to try, as depressing as it sounds. Like at the moment im not interested in putting work into a relationship anyways. If my therapist asked me today „what about finding someone for a relationship“ she‘d have a whole new page of things to write down about me like this would fill up two to three therapy sessions but i think it could all be boiled down to „well i dont think i want to put in the work. So i dont want to try doing so half heartedly and then maybe (probably) hurt him in the process of trying to back out again“. Like all of this makes sense to ME but fm keeps saying stuff like „but its so lovely. And you two really fit together. And he likes you best and you like him and youre funny together.“ and yea maybe i want to hold his hand and cuddle with him but i also can’t help but think about being like... physically not good. Like theres a whole body image and health concern thing going on thats also mentally holding me back from this but i also cannot bring myself to bring THAT up to anyone, let alone, ironically, see a medical professional for this. In conclusion, fuck this oh my god i just want to do fanart for tma again like im fucking 15 and procrastinating studying for a test next week

[awed-frog]

Hi! Sorry that I ask u this, u don't need to answer anyway: what would u say to a selfish bulimic and stupid human being, who can't do anything right? Not even like the other genre to at least make it a little easier for her parents? And please don't say "get help" bc I'm not talking about this (yeah it's harder to write in first person I guess whatever)

Oh, sweetheart. I would tell you that bulimia is a mental health issue, and being gay is just who you are, so neither is a thing you chose or something that’s even remotely your fault.

I don’t know how much this can help you, but here is my advice.

The bulimia needs to go. It’s an illness, and it’s a dangerous illness. I know you said you don’t want to, but if at all possible, you should see a therapist - it’s hard to guide you since I don’t know where you live, but in many countries, there are places when you can go anonymously and for free to discuss this kind of issues (hospitals, school psychologists, mental health centres). I think the best thing would be to open up to someone close to you (an adult if possible: maybe a teacher, or a relative you trust?) and explain that you need to talk to someone. 

(Don’t say about what - that’s your business. Just ask for advice.) 

If you feel you can’t do that, try to find an online community (it’d be great to connect with someone who’s living in your country) and ask them if they know of any therapists in your area. And, look, I know this is the last thing you want to hear, because I’ve been there more than once - a very good friend of mine struggled with anorexia for years, and I’m slowly getting over an eating disorder myself - but you need to let someone know. You need to get help. Mental health issues are almost impossible to overcome without some kind of external support, and accepting that is the first step on your path to get better. 

As for being gay - there is nothing wrong with it. Nothing. In fact, it’s not always easy to know who we are at all, so I’m proud of you for figuring out your sexuality so soon (since you mention your parents, I’m assuming you’re a young person - I apologize if that is not the case), and, remember, you don’t owe that knowledge to anyone. From what I understand, you came out to your parents, and I can’t imagine the courage it took for you to do that, but don’t feel you need to live openly as a lesbian right now if you don’t want to. Your sexuality is your own, and no one’s business. So it’s not about ‘making it easier for your parents’ or anything like that, because your parents simply have no right to dictate who you should love. If your sexuality is a problem for them, that’s not your fault - it’s theirs. And again, I don’t know where you live, but the good news is that in many countries around the world, life for the LGBT community is improving. So I know you find it hard right now, but please believe me: it does get better. When we’re in a bad situation, we mostly see no way out, or we think it’s going to last forever (and this affects young people even more, because of how their brains are wired), but that is not the case. Things change. If you’re comfortable doing so, try to connect with other people from the LGBT community - find places, online or offline, were you can be yourself and hear about others’ experiences. That really helps.

And finally - your parents. It’s difficult to give you advice without knowing exactly what’s going on, but let me say this: I had many conversations with parents - I decided to talk to my mother about my eating disorder, and I also talked to parents of students and friends of mine (with their consent, of course), and mostly what emerges is this: most parents love their kids without reason but are not necessarily mature or good at handling relationships with other people, and that means their first reaction to anything out of the ordinary is worry and anger. So I would say - either your parents are reacting badly because they love you and worry about you, or they belong to that minority of people who’re just not capable of understanding, empathy, forgiveness and tolerance - not even when their own kids are involved. In the first case, they will probably come to accept that this is who you are (I’ve seen it happen several times), and in the second - walking away from one’s parents, or realizing they’re never going to love you the way you need them do, is always difficult and painful and profoundly unfair, but sometimes it’s the only thing you can do. And when that happens, the problem is not you - it’s them. They’re your parents, they’re adults - is their responsability to meet you halfway, and to be there for you no matter what. So if they can’t, it’s never because you weren’t good enough - it’s something wrong deep in their hearts - please don’t forget that. Now, whether you’re still living with them or not, please don’t let yourself become obsessed with those thoughts (‘My parents don’t like me, my parents think I’m not good enough’). Instead, focus on yourself. Make plans for the future, get better at what you like doing, create and nurture connections with people who love you - and don’t worry about your parents too much. 

(Important: if you think you’re being abused, or that you’re going to get hurt or hurt yourself, seek help at once.) 

Final note: I just reread what I wrote and I’m not completely happy with it, so let me get personal for a second. I’ve been where you are. I know what it means to have an eating disorder. If you’ve never talked about this with anyone, and if you’ve never read about these issues, you may think you’re the only one going through this - the only one ‘weak’ enough, ‘selfish’ enough and ‘stupid’ enough to behave in that way. That is not the case. You say you’re stupid and selfish - I see myself in these words. I know what it’s like to be deeply ashamed of who you are and yet unable to change. I know what it’s like to buy food in secret, to steal food, to eat food you don’t want to eat, to pretend you want to have dinner when you’re so full or so empty or so goddamned depressed you can’t even sit up straight. I know what it’s like to get caught by other people doing something you’re not supposed to be doing - how some are disappointed, others concerned, and others yet just shocked and angry and what the hell is wrong with you? You’re not alone in this. Almost five million women in the US suffer from bulimia. On fifth of the population has some kind of eating disorder, and statistically, in every class one student is struggling with anorexia nervosa. So I understand you don’t want to tell anyone, and I don’t want to be harsh here, or to scare you, but you need to. I know it’s hard, but you need to be brave and get help. An eating disorder can lead to anxiety, mood swings, and self-harm. It can do severe damages to your body. It can kill you. And the thing is, it’s an illness like any other, so that shame you feel (the same shame I felt - the terror anyone would find out) - that’s the sick part of your mind trying to stay sick. It’s not real. A health professional will never judge you, whatever you tell them. Talking to a therapist will help. You can get better, and you will. So, please - I’m not asking you to make a decision straight away, because I know perfectly well how hard it is, but please, please consider it. Allow the idea to get inside your mind. Get information about bulimia, contact a support group, connect with people who have experience with it. It’s unfair and fucked up that mental health issues should be considered so differently from other kinds of health issues. Think: if you had a broken arm, would you try to hide it? Would you say, ‘Just tell me how to get better on my own, because I’m not seeing a doctor’? Of course you wouldn’t. And bulimia is exactly like a broken arm. There is no difference between the two. And I understand how difficult it is to talk to family and friends about it - if you don’t want to, don’t do it - but you need to talk to someone. Doing what you did today - reach out anonymously - that’s a great start, and I’m proud of you for doing that. And you know what? When I read your message, I didn’t see a ‘stupid’ and ‘selfish’ woman - I saw someone who’s strong and brave and determined to build a life for herself. You’re gay in a world where it’s often difficult to be gay, and you’re going through life fighting against a disease every single day and you live in an environment that is not supportive, and yet you don’t give up - you chose to ask for help today - you’re a goddamn hero. Seriously - you’re an amazing person, and one day you’re going to look back on this period of your life and barely remember how painful it was. So - hang on, okay? Things will get better - I promise you.

Here are a few websites to get you started. I wish you all the best, and please come back and talk to me if you want to - on or off anon.❤

It Gets Better Project |LGBT Youth UK |GLAAD |LGBT forums

HelpGuide | NHS | US hotlines | NCFED UK | NEDA forum | Psych forum

[fairycosmos]

everyday i feel so fucking gross & ugly and depressed i cant stand people looking at me. i hate going to school, i never ever go out or hang w my friends on the weekends & im scared to get a job bc im so insecure and i keep comparing myself to everyone i meet. i truly feel like im a disappointment and a failure. i feel so pathetic and im scared that the rest of my life is gonna be this way. and im mad at myself for not trying harder but i have for the past 18 years and im tired. im so worthless.

:(( i'm so sorry to hear that my love. feeling that way every single day must be so fuckin exhausting and i'm v v proud of you for getting through it. seriously. it's much more difficult than most people realize. i know i cant say anything that will instantly make everything better, and you don't have to read all of this, but please please try to believe some of it. when you're depressed as hell, your mind sort of turns against you, right? it can't be trusted. all of the things it's telling you are products of your low self esteem and mental health issues - they're not facts, no matter how much it feels like they are. other people aren't seeing you the way you perceive yourself, okay? they're not looking at you and thinking you're ugly or gross, because in reality, in the tangible present beyond your own insecurities, you're not. allow yourself that self awareness. you don't have to believe every thought you have, and you don't have to act on every urge you feel. you can just let them be. they only mean something if you say that you do. you have more control than you realize.it seems like most of this is stemming from how you personally feel, and since you're in emotional turmoil, the results are bound to be chaotic. you FEEL like you're a disappointment, you FEEL like you're worthless, you FEEL unattractive - so you just assume that's who you ARE as a person, who you'll always be. when theres no proof of that at all. theres no reason to believe that youre not a strong, capable person with a lot to offer if you look at yourself as a multidimensional being. being depressed doesnt take your goodness away from you. there's a difference between you and your self hatred, okay? instead of recognizing yourself as a flawed human, giving yourself room to grow, you're pushing yourself further into a corner by calling yourself a failure. i get it, your mind tells you that, so it's v hard not to buy into it. but you don't have to, i promise. you can learn not to. where you're at right now is genuinely not where you'll always be.when i'm dealing with my own shit, the idea that life is a lot longer than i believe really helps me out. we're the same age, and i really feel like we're SUPPOSED to be confused and intimidated by the future. and though the worry feels permanent, it comes and goes. it's possible to manage it as you grow up and learn how to exist one year at a time. its alright to be lost and upset and to not know the answers, you don't need to. who you will be at thirty will be v different to who you are at eighteen - things are guaranteed to change, to improve. there will always be sadness and obstacles of course, but it won't always be this blinding and intense. it's so easy to become disillusioned with life, but having a side open future and existing at all is somewhat of a miracle. it really is.that being said, if you're feeling so awful, i don't blame you at all for not wanting a job or to hang out or to do anything. im exactly the same. but it all starts with you. and if you're not comfortable in your own skin, you're not going to be comfortable anywhere. that's why i really believe that the only thing you need to worry about is making your mental health a priority. i'm not just bullshitting, and i fully appreciate how difficult it is, but sometimes you have to actively jump start periods of positivity and strength. mental illness is just as serious as physical illness, you know? and it's alright to need help/medical attention. most people do at one point or another. please don't just roll your eyes at this, please believe me. talking to a professional will genuinely change the quality of your life if you want it to. it can be a counsellor, a therapist, your regular doctor, a support group in your area etc. even calling a hotline/speaking to your parents/a teacher/a friend to begin with will lighten the weight. it doesn't have to be a big deal. healing starts with being fuckin honest about what's going on in your head. people understand more thsn you think they do. many have been where you ate now. and actually confronting the issue and actively figuring out why you hate yourself and where the depressive moods are coming from, will allow you to overcome them eventually. seeing a professional will also enable you to adopt healthier coping mechanisms into your life for when you feel yourself slipping into a dark place. there are ways to hold on and to keep a grip on reality. you can cut the cycle short and stop the negative thoughts before they have a chance to begin, by conditioning your brain to do so over time.i'm not saying it'll instantly solve everything, or that you won't be nervous. opening up is a weird, stressful thing. you will be vulnerable, because you need to be. but what's more scary - staying silent and letting this get worse and worse, or talking to someone you trust and getting it all out? reaching out is genuinely not as far fetched as you think it is, it's completely realistic. you can pick up the phone, make the appointment, research mental health facilities and resources in your area. you really really can do it. the only thing stopping you is your mind, which as we've established, is not looking out for you right now. and the underlying factor in all of this, the thing it always comes back to, is that you are not worthless. you're not. you were born with an inherent worth, dude. your sadness can't take that away from you. no matter how much you don't want to believe it - the simple fact that you're alive means that you're significant. and it means you deserve to be happy. youre doing so so well by being here to read this. the fact that you sent this ask means you want help on some level, even a subconscious one. so please, just consider it. look at the situation objectively and decide what you need to do to pull yourself back from the brink of this. and then, when you can, do it. one step at a time. i really hope you're okay. i'm sorry i couldn't be of more help, cause i understand where you're coming from. just. you're not alone, and you don't have to deal with it as if you are. please message me if you ever need a friend or if you want to talk properly. i'm always here.

[anything-advice-blog]

Submission - AAD

Since Tumblr seems to be breaking I’ll just submit the whole story. So me and this girl (M) met in third grade, August of 2012. We’ve been inseparable ever since. We’ve been very close and affectionate even for close friends. Some time after that, I’m not sure when, I started to develop feelings for M. I realized and told her in March of 2014. I thought it was just a stupid crush and I pushed it to the back of my mind and focused on boys. I didn’t accept my identity just yet, and I just followed what other girls were doing. Throughout this my feelings for M grew intense. I realized - and told M - last summer that I was in love with her. And that I wasn’t exactly straight. M has Always (platonically) loved and supported me. Early May of this year, I decided to ask M to be my girlfriend. She said yes. We couldn’t tell anyone, though. I suspected for a while that she only said yes so that I wouldn’t get upset, as she knows of my severe depression and anxiety. She denied this claim. We’ve always been affectionate, but actually saying we were dating was thrilling. It was Nice. For a while. We’re both asexual btw. So we’re in Florida together for another day, we’ve been here all week with her family. On Tuesday, while her family was down at the beach, we were cuddling in our room and watching TV. She let me kiss her. I was overjoyed. I thought this meant we were better than ever. Her family came up at that moment and we sat up and apart. They never knew anything. Once they left, she seemed extremely upset. She said she was a terrible person and that I would be mad at her. She told me the truth. She’s never felt romantic feelings for me. She said yes so I wouldn’t be sad. I was completely correct. The last month had been a lie. I cried a lot and was alone for a while. We ended up texting our way through it on Wednesday, but I’m still not sure how I feel. I’m still deeply in love with her, but I feel that our friendship will never be the same, and I don’t know if I can trust her ever again. Please help, if you can. I know it would be best to leave, but I can’t live without M. I tried once and I got sent to a mental hospital because I can’t function properly without her. I don’t know what to do. ~ AAD

Update #1: We haven’t really spoken since this whole thing and I really want to talk it out with her but? I don’t know how? Normally we’re texting and face timing like 24/7 but since this ~incident~ we text each other rarely and I’m just so scared that I’m losing her but I’m still heartbroken over what she did so I don’t know how to feel or what to do

Update #2: sorry for being annoying and everything but it’s all just going so fast okay so turns out M and my other friend (N) were talking over the phone last night and wanted me to join but I was asleep so I have no idea what they were talking about (N knows about everything that’s happened) I know it doesn’t even matter but I get so fucking jealous like even before all of this happened I get so jealous so easily bc m is my everything and i can’t stand when she does anything without me which I know is really unhealthy but when they told me that last night happened (M texted me like 15 minutes ago) I just got so upset literally when I hear stuff like this it makes me want to kms or stab someone (I do have severe depression and anxiety btw) please help I don’t know why I get so jealous I can feel my heart pounding and I’m just not okay and I’m shaking and I want to hurt

Hey love, 

I answered your first submission here already when you sent in as a 3 parter.

Now as for your updates. 

Honestly? I think you should put your big girl panties on and sort out the situation. Is it going to be awkward? Yeah. Is it going to suck a little? Definitely. But you obviously want to reconcile with her and you obviously want to help her. If something small like this keeps you from even anting to talk it out with her, then there’s very little you can do. There’s no pretty way to go about it. You need to be honest with each other and talk about whatever issues you had with each other. Find a time and a private space to talk through what happened. How you can solve it better in the future? Address your concerns and hers as well. 

You’re right, your relationship will never be the same after what happened and that’s fine. You can use this to either strengthen your friendship or as a door opener for other possibilities. Give it time to heal. You were heartbroken and it’s still raw so you’re going to feel a lot of emotions. But don’t expect that it won’t be awkward for the first few months. Don’t expect yourself or her to pretend that nothing happened because it did. Because it happened, you were able to learn more about your own feelings and hers; whether that’s a good or bad thing, I think you still need to figure that out together. 

So talk to her. If you guys want to keep this friendship going, perhaps it would be best to clear up all misunderstandings. Why did she lie? Why did she decide to come clean? because you know, she could’ve pretended and lead you on for as long as she wanted. Instead, she came clean and told you the truth. The truth may have hurt but it was the truth. So talk to each other about these issues. It would also be fine to take a break from each other. it would be okay to not want to be friends with her as well. 

Are you being treated for your depression and anxiety? I think you should take up treatment or continue your treatment through this. Talk to a counsellor or therapist about what you’re going through and use their support and help to get through this. I know that you think you wouldn’t be able to live without M but I promise you you’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You will survive this heartbreak. You will be hurt for a long time and sometimes it’ll still ache years later, but you will get through this. You have to believe in it and you have to try. Otherwise, you’ll never really know. 

As for your dependency on M, have you tried working on yourself? Finding things that you enjoy with yourself and no one else? Finding something that you like doing without M? Maybe hanging out with friends outside of M. Finding some time to be with yourself or with others who isn’t M may help you learn to be less dependent on M. It’ll allow you both to have a sense of individuality without co-dependency. Whether you stay as friends or proceed on as romantic partners, it would be best to learn this as well. 

I highly recommend you seek professional help for everything that’s happening right now. It’s not only what’s happening with M, but your depression, your anxiety, and you thoughts of self-harm are making it very hard to move on or even begin to processing what’s happening. So please, talk to a professional. Continue or get treatment for your mental health and give all of this some time to work through. It won’t be solved in days or even weeks or months. Trust that it will work out. We may not like the results but if you continue to hope for the best, to understand that everything happens for the better, and keep trying to get better you will one day fall in love again. You’ll find good friends and you’ll eventually learn to be happy. 

It’s okay to not be okay. For the time being, please try to talk to some friends that you trust when you start feeling triggered. Call them up. Go through a few breathing exercises with them. Cry. It’s okay to do that. If you feel that you are a danger to yourself or others, please contact your local emergency service. If you want to do, you can call a hotline or chat with someone live. 

Always by your side,

Kelly