#so i can move stuff over
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OK SO
i just made myself a huge like masterlist p much in discord with all my fics in it. i’ll need to put tumblr stuff in it too later but THE HOPE IS. that since i will be able to easily scroll through all of it. (google docs mobile is hell and i usually write on my phone) i will actually be able to SEE ALL MY FICS. and not forget about what i am working on.
i’m also keeping track now of what i currently want to work towards and what i have in my inbox over here. before i was kinda just checking every so often and then forgetting and then checking and then forgetting etc
WITH ANY LUCK. this will mean more consistent posting. i CANNOT promise anything because i am a human and thus flawed. BUT I WOULD LIKE TO GO BACK TO WRITING MORE.
i have five twstober prompts left to write and eight requests in my inbox and then i will open requests again. i will NOT be hosting any request EVENTS for the near future - twstober will be the only event i am planning on regularly participating in. i would like to instead focus more on my full fics and my ocs as they bring me very much joy. please ask me about my ocs i will love you forever /platonic. i will also add something to my request rules for asks about ocs because i will take any and all excuses to talk about them
CHEERS I HOPE THIS WORKS BROS. I NEED TO GET A WHITEBOARD OR SMTH FOR A REMINDER IN MY PHYSICAL SURROUNDINGS TOO FOR MY BRAIN
#i am one of those people that likes timeblocking in my calendar#but that doesn’t work for me for writing#i write when the writing mood strikes#which isn’t very often unless i am hyperfocusing or am reminded of my wonderful beautiful boys (my ocs)#white board would be ideal so i can write down like top three priorities for writing and work on those for a week and then cycle through#i think we might have one somewhere#i still haven’t unpacked all the way from when we moved six months ago 💀#i’m doing my best#anyways tonight has been a lot of ranting#i love writing i just kind of forget about everything that isn’t placed in front of me regularly#so scrolling through years of google docs on my phone doesn’t really work#they’re organized into folders on google drives. but the folders don’t translate to docs.#it’s terrible.#solution?#make a discord server into a masterpost#this is also a useful way for me to store small ideas without clogging up my drafts#fnaf laundry fic has like five pages of notes of fun things that could happen and then has like a chapter or a half a chapter done#so i can move stuff over#and for something in the water#i literally have a whole nother document filled with fun ideas#wyn is my baby girl you don’t understand#i have literally 16 current fics you can’t blame me for forgetting about them if they’re not all there okay
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Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.
Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).
Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.
Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.
Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).
AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.
But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s
At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.
#mlp#yeah i wrote this last night during insomnia.#yeah i know an embarrassing amount of crap about this kids show#but whatever it's my hyperfixation i'll store as much useless information as i want!!!#i'm gay and neurodivergent i have an excuse#in case you needed more proof that aj's my favorite character#personal#delete later#unless you like this analysis stuff#i get why they didn't reveal aj's parent's death until way later and why they didn't do much with it but i wish they did#cuz narratively there could've been so much material with aj's grief. like. i feel like we gloss over the fact that she lost her#mother and father as a teenager#i tried keeping my personal hcs out of this to keep it unbiased#but i'll put some in the tags#involving rarijack –– i think aj can be (but not always) very self-conscious about her relationship with rarity#anxieties that she's not the right fit or that rarity will move away and leave her some day or that another woman will take her attention#(like in rollercoaster of friendship?? nudge nudge??). basic seperation anxiety stuff#long post#regarding applebloom whenever i think about her and her parents i think about that scene in steven universe where steven looks up at#a portrait of his mother and openly wonders what kind of sack lunches she would've made for him. that episode still fucks me up
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the place me and my roommate were supposed to move into today was so disgusting and uninhabitable we just took our stuff and left and now we're gonna be staying at airbnbs and hotels until further notice/until we can find a new place hopefully quickly...........im in my homeless drifter era y'all!!!😍😍so if im not as active then thats why LMFAO
1 like = 1 prayer
#bro was literally trying to rent us a silent hill apartment#we already paid first and last too which was 2700k and he said hes not gonna refund us EVEN THO WE DIDNT EVEN MOVE IN!!#like first month i get BUT NOT EVEN THE SECOND MONTH?? all landlords go to hell#looking back at the og listing like.....yeah i can see why he never took pics of the outside......literally looks like a landfill😃#we're SO LUCKY that uhaul allowed us to keep our things stored with them bc if they insisted on our shit still being dropped off#we woulda been so screwed/forced to move in and then would have had to hire ANOTHER uhaul to move back OUT lol#AND I HATE MOVING the idea of unloading all of our stuff just to pack it again literally makes me wanna perish#but even tho i may be a homeless drifter rn that wont stop me from also working on my oneshot between searching for places😍#the oneshot has a smut scene at the beginning LMAO and smut takes me forever to write so id been putting it off#but now that im over that hump (pun intended) i think ill be faster now brrrrrrrrrrr 9k words so far#its probs gonna be like 40k LMFAO maybe longer... idek#but also ill be hella busy trying to find a home so LMFAO who knows...chat im so fucking TIREDDDDD🧎♀️🧎♀️#my moms trying to see if she can fight him and get our money back but it aint lookin good bros#if i randomly open commissions then youll also know why LMAO
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She came up with a new activity
#snake#snakes#Hognose#hognoses#pets#In her defense I also didn't realize the reason she couldn't move it at the end was because her tail was no longer under the basket#So instead of sliding over her it just bumped into her and was stuck#to her credit she did listen to me and follow my directions! But neither of us realized the problem.#ah it was cute while she did it#she was going a bit before I started recording#she comes up with silly fun activities#i should let her play with the hammock again#it's funny when she found it she'd gesture to me with her head when she wanted me to lift it and put it down#and it was like a weird elevator parachute game#i think she might have been extra delighted she was able to communicate her wants to me and I did them#We both got practice with that the other day when we played climbing ball#I misunderstood a few times#she is much more patient and less easily frustrated than her sister#she was asking for climbing ball and I thought she was asking for kisses#i did eventually figure out what she actually wanted#i suppose it helps she likes kisses too#when i say kisses I'm not putting my lips on her#I let her flick her tongue at the tip of my nose and make little kiss sounds at her#she either understands this is affection or otherwise likes it#Because she will often go to my nose and I'll give her kisses like this#I don't kiss her because the bacteria and stuff in my human mouth could be dangerous for her#I know reptiles and such can also have salmonella#But I'm really not worried about that part tbh as I keep my girls pretty clean#They are princesses#And know it
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(ID in alt) I literally said I was gonna post this month's ago and then never had the wherewithal to describe it and so I didn't Lmao (said with pain). But since I'm thinking of opening my commissions I figured I should remind ppl that I. Yknow. Can draw.
Lots of Steph here (I had major art block making all of these and my brain worms for her kept me going) + some sprinkles of stephcass for Cass nation to enjoy!
#dc comics#dc#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#jason todd#(yes for the teddy bear. it counts)#batgirl#batgirls#mine#< keep forgetting to tag my art as that I'm terrible 😭#ANYHOW I'm slowly getting back into drawing again after my last ipad got nuked (cant think abt that or ill cry) and i finished uni#oh yeah j finished my first year of uni btw. i went to an Olivia Rodrigo concert like a week or 2 ago. I've been busy lol#but yeah it's looking like I've got a fun summer of bottom feeding ahead of me now that I've officially been told i got passed over for that#-comic job i applied for. lol. lmao even#it's fine honestly it was a pretty daunting prospect i just have to find a way to fill the time by myself now#I've plenty of comics to read so that's nice. got wayyy into mark waids DD run recently (mostly for Chris Samnee's art)#so that's been fun! i have my empowered omnibus (embarrassing and kept under my bed <3) i have TT year 1 i have huntress and WW#uhhh i got flash 1 minute war. lots of good stuff!#so hopefully i don't go. completely feral from lack of stimulation#also hopefully commissions will be a thing i can do#godddd there's many mkre things i want to draw. i got too enamoured w my own bad theory and now I've drawn tim!bats#but unfortunately now i only want to draw tim!bats being laughed at my the batfamily bc seriously tim?? really??#< it's literally probably not going to happen but I've invested myself in this terrible future for some reason#imagine damian trying to robin for tim!bats for 1 (one) night and the next morning he doesn't say anything he just moves to bludhaven#he can't take this shit#oh so many ideas...#ANYWAY. ues. finally art. now if you like it. consider commissioning me (in 2 to 3 business weeks <3)#(no pressure)
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(bnha manga ending spoilers)
what was the point
what was the point
what was the point
WHAT WAS THE POINT
WHAT WAS THE POINT
WHAT WAS THE POINT 😭😭
what was the pointtttt
#i don’t have it in me to be more eloquent rn#just feel really disappointed and sad about tenkos arc and apparent death#what was the point of showing us over and over again the he was a victim and that izuku was so intent on saving him#on not killing tomura and rescuing tenko#what was the point of showing us the aspirations of him as a kid and all his tragedy and all the ways he was manipulated and exploited#all for him to say nice try i can never be saved and then deku killing him?????#for none of that to get resolved for society to move on from this war with basically no apparent change#besides civilians saying oh well pull our weight now ☺️ without no resolution to all the problems that created villains in the first place?#and now tomura is gone tenko is gone izuku seems like a husk of himself but i dont think that’ll get resolved either#it’s just. it’s all disappointing. especially when the build up felt really good like we were going somewhere!!!#anyways. no one wins okayyyy#shigaraki tomura#shimura tenko#tenko shimura#tomura shigaraki#bnha manga spoilers#my stuff#bnha critical
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Unironically think that each of the bros (+April) don’t actually get how impressive their feats really are so they just do what they do and on the off chance someone comments on those feats they all react like:
#rottmnt#tmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#no but really#I love thinking that they’re actually way more prideful about the stuff that does not even hold a candle to their other feats#like yeah Mikey can open a hole in the space time continuum but that’s nothing have you TRIED his manicotti??#yeah Leo has outsmarted multiple incredibly intelligent and capable people AND knows how to rewire AI but eh did you hear his one liners?#donnie accidentally made regular animatronics sentient but that was an oopsie check out his super cool hammer instead#raph was able to fake his own death to save the entirety of New York and then be the one to bring about his brothers’ inner powers-#but forget about that did you know he can punch like a BOSS?#and April can survive and THRIVE against a demonic suit of armor alongside literal weapons of destruction as a regular human-#but her crane license is where it’s really at#(not to mention all the other secondary talents and skills these kids all just sorta have like - they are VERY CAPABLE)#honorable mentions in this regard go moments like#donnie ordering around an entire legion of woodland critters to create a woodsy tech paradise#or Leo being able to avoid an entire crowd’s blind spots in plain sight#and also being able to hold a pose without moving a millimeter while covered in paint and being transported no I’m NOT OVER THAT#Mikey casually being ridiculously strong and also knowledgeable enough about building to help Donnie make the puppy paradise for Todd#Raph literally led an entire group of hardened criminals like that entire episode was just#basically they’re all so capable????#and at the same time prone to wiping out at the most inopportune of moments#love them sm
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happy (late) hades 2 update day
#nearly 3 weeks after it released LMAO#I definitely think he could use some more work. and a bg. but I'm done!!! I must move on!! I've been looking at him so much over the past 2#weeks that his face is starting to sicken me..!#anywayyy I'M SO HAPPY HES BACK!! I can now festively fog ingame.. wow..#hades 2#hades 2 spoilers#hades game#hades supergiant#hades ii#comin' back here to talk. I AMSO PROUD OF THIS. that's all#the driiinkk... and the fog.. looks so good.......#damn i should put actual effort into my stuff more often. LMAO
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ok I've been teasing about this comic a long time if you're interested you can save the page!
#im not gonna explain all the marketing stuff that went into this decision but like#basically. I don't like posting art of them and not having something to link people if theyre interested...#anyways genuinely like dont worry too much about getting to it its literally just if youre interested and do want to read it#cause its just extremely hard to get people in on something RIGHT when it launches#unless you're. yknow. webtoon. and have access to a ton of money#and I really want my TTA audience to be able to move over to it if theyre interested!#theres more to it than this but basically. I will not be like advertising this cause I'm not even POSTING There#I literally just want to have a link I can append to the art I'm already sharing#thats all. anyways carry on#we were legion#oh but I did wanna share the link like once cause I know some people are interested#ok back to work#got like 10 days til return! its so soon!
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The one thing I don't understand about the theory where Piltover and Zaun are teaming up to fight Noxus in the end, is why are Vi and Ekko flying towards Jinx's supposed airship if they're on the same team? Why does Vi NEED to confront Jinx in the middle of a warzone?
We see Ekko in garb that looks like he's on Jinx's side, but we mostly see him with the Firelights in those scenes, and they not decorated in Jinx's colors. Even minor background characters that are on Jinx/Sevika's side have a pink X on the right side of their chest. The Firelights are completely free of any graffiti or markers that would identify them with Jinx, and Vi is in an enforcer uniform. We don't see any other Zaunites in the crowd, but for some reason Vi and Ekko are centering their concentration on Jinx.
I think what's happening is that Ambessa's forces are fighting against Piltover's enforcers, but Jinx isn't helping, she's taking advantage of the chaos. Jinx is probably in Piltover to do something big that Piltover can't defend against since they're preoccupied with Noxus. Jinx will probably think the fight between Noxus and Piltover is the best opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Vi and Ekko will probably object, they'll say her plan goes too far, and it'll get people killed. The whole scenario will probably be a more extreme mirror to whatever the Silco flashback will reveal about what went down on the Day of Ash and why Vander tried to kill Silco, except this time with magic.
#arcane#arcane meta#jinx arcane#vi arcane#ekko arcane#i know everyone's having a great time dissecting the trailer but the trailer for s1 wasn’t even that vague to begin with#sure you couldn't guess the WHOLE plot but me as a non league person could see#“red head has beef with eye dude”#“rich people either oblivious or super mad about poor people doing stuff”#“magic stuff is happening”#is the s2 trailer really any different?#also christian linke keeps hammering that the show is about if you can forgive a sibling that's a monster#and he's not that subtle when he's implying that the “monster” is silco and jinx in the metaphor (probably viktor too)#but what has jinx done so far that’s really THAT monstrous for her to stand distinct from the oppression of piltover#i think the show's gonna have jinx contemplate what it means to be lionized and valued by the general population#meanwhile Caitlyn's gonna do a lot of messed up stuff as means of asserting control over the situation and keeping piltover “safe”#caitlyn will probably REALLY cross the line and it'll involve jinx#cait will reavaluate her morals and break off from ambessa and jinx will be like “I'm gonna show you what a war arc is”#and move into Viktor's cult for a power up before leaving to destroy piltover and noxus#and also ekko's character description say he and heimerdinger will save zaun#so what's the magical problem that they build a magical solution for? ...it's jinx
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...... Pinescone.... 2024
💥*explosion noises*💥
#guilty pleasure crossover ship#listen.... they are adorable#and i love them#thinking post canon for both shows#pinescone#dipper x wirt#i do not post shipping stuff often i realize#gravity falls#gravity falls dipper#over the garden wall#otgw#otgw wirt#dipper pines#also#if you can tell#fell in love with the dipper gets braces when mabel gets hers off headcanon#it means so much to me#thinking wirts fam moved to gravity falls#and he meets mabel and dipper that summer#they all become friends :)#wirt#fanart#crossover ship
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22 is such a weird age bc it’s like . some days i feel grown enough to take out a Mortgage and other days i’m like oh i’m actually the most immature and childish version of myself that i have ever been . what now
#it’s so weird too bc like. i have friends getting Married and having kids while i have never been in a serious relationship#and another friend moving to new york to start her career and people are just so all over the place in life#it’s so wild#it really is like. how can a person know everything at 18 and nothing at 22#etc etc#also i do consistently keep forgetting my age and thinking that i am 23#i Feel 23#i think the last year has just been like. 2 years worth of stuff#anyway!
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waiting for marvel to take you up as their comic artist so that we can have amazing art with cherik official storyline
marvel hire me to draw professor x and magneto making out sloppy style for forty issues straight you will get a BAJILLION dollars i promise
#fave#snap chats#'professor x' what are you a cop. moving on#vjeLKVJEALKV thank you much my friend one can only dream .....#you know whats so funny tho this just reminds me how like. My Number One Cheerleader was my highschool english teacher#she also ran the comic club in case thats relevant. because i was a part of that club OBVIOUSLY#i used to want to be a comic book artist but now i dont but anyway as a part of this club we'd have to draw comics sometimes#and alllll the time my teach would be so happy to get my stuff and she'd always be like#'[Snap] please promise me you'll never give up comics i want to read a comic from you one day' and stuff like that#i think id throw up laughing if i got to email her one day like 'omg hey teach 1.) im not a moody teenager anymore#2.) i got to work for marvel check it out <3' and i have to send her old man yaoi JLVKEJLKAEVJE#FUNNIEST TIMELINE IN THE WORLD I'D ACTUALLY DIE LIKE PLEAAAASSEE THATS ALL I COULD EVER WANT IN LIFE#on the realest note tho i didnt appreciate her enthusiasm enough. i wish i could tell her thank you someday#i think of her a lot whenever im in the dumps about my work she really is one of my biggest motivators#like i guess i COULD just shoot an email. maybe if i actually do something cool with comics or something#i dont even know if she remembers me so it'd just be bizarre wouldnt it#ANYWAYS. sappy story time's over theres a matcha crepe cake with my name on it BYYYYYEEEEE
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op turned off rbs but is this about that dark past fangame that everyone is now lauding as basically pre-canon explorers despite it literally being just a fangame that also happens to be extremely racist with some of its messages
#bwark#i don't remember the exact details emery was telling about but the stuff with rampardos was very uncomfortable to hear about#it was basically something to do with him being a ''savage'' and some sort of lesser being? idk emery help me out here when you wake up#but like. does that remind you of anything#i also remember the fatphobic line about wigglytuff too. lmao#i think this can also be about e*ts. idk how edgy it gets but ive heard that it treats the explorers cast like shit in order to hype up#breloom as the obvious writer's pet. and also everything ive heard about it makes it seem like it was made out of spite#like iirc grovyle's character is basically the writer getting pissed at explorers fans for wanting a remake and saying to move on from it#and like. that would be fine (without the passive aggressiveness) if it was more about explorers fans giving the 3ds games a chance#but it wasn't that it was just berating explorers fans for wanting more explorers stuff WHILE BEING AN EXPLORERS ROMHACK#like do you not see the hypocrisy there#it really gives reborn vibes as something just completely made out of spite#not even going into how weirdly both of these games treat the female characters#anyway pmd fans stop putting romhacks on a pedestal and lauding them as ''basically canon'' just because they fufill your edgy quota#ALSO THE CHATOT POINT IS SO TRUE#''e*ts calls out chatot for stealing our money'' chatot literally only takes money because it's a fee from the exploration federation and i#literally says this in-game. you are shooting the messenger when you parrot this take. this man is just doing his job he doesn't personally#have it out for you lmao it's fine to not like him as a character but some of you need to get over your childhood grudge against him#<- tags that remind me i need to finish my chatot analysis but i don't wanna replay eos rn to screenshot hunt
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But what I really want to know is whether, if he really really concentrated, Julian could do finger painting?
#he can move solid stuff and touch screens respond to him#so would paint stick to his finger if he really kept his focus on it?#or if not then maybe he could *scoop* some onto his fingertip?#I mean he could pick up the blanket and put it over Mia so...#bbc ghosts#maddie's ghosts tag
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ok this is a deeply deeply weird manifesto and i'm sorry but i feel suddenly very burdened to say it so. if you felt like we were friends and i unfollowed you, this is for you. (don't be scared this is not about problems with anyone this is just my mess. that I think is ok to have which is why I'm talking about it)
so I joined tumblr in 2020 when a) the world was isolated b) I had just moved to a new city and was living alone taking Zoom classes in my apartment. what started as a mindless distraction became such a lifeline of connection and friendship! and still such a support as things started to open back up and get busier in 2021, when I was teaching and in class in person but still struggling for close in-person friendships. I know the group dynamic on here has shifted a number of times, as some of you probably experienced from various vantage points. my use of tumblr has shifted too, on and off, as I've needed different things out of it and been in different spiritual and emotional states. and I've kind of come to realize that I probably threw myself in too eagerly in some ways. it was so exciting to have actual friends on here and for them to actually turn into friends in person, that honestly I maybe prized that dynamic too much for what it symbolized over actually valuing the people. I'm sorry for doing that.
anyway, that worked fine for a bit, but as (glory be to God) I've become much more plugged into my in-person community in the last couple years, I've felt more and more emotionally strained. I've taken up a new attitude towards my family that's much more in line with God, but also much more draining as it means I have to just pour out in prayer and love and wait with patient sorrow over some things rather than fighting and defending my perspective as always right and necessary; and then there's the church-related grief my family has gone through over the last year. I've had a very delicate and difficult friendship that pulled up a lot of unresolved stuff from a college situation and felt endlessly wearying at times. I've had another issue from college recur in a way I thought had been healthily resolved years ago. I've had this whole roommate marriage situation that as y'all know is a very weird trial and pressure. My church has been dealing with a strange and tough ongoing struggle that was already stressing me out before I started working there. My small group has been amazing and I've loved connecting with and relying on them more, but that connection also means more fully bearing the griefs of a lot of different people dealing with the different struggles of life. My advisor situation has been so weird and tough, making my academic work really hard, and then this recent church work has been fulfilling but physically and often mentally exhausting. My future location, work, and community is up in the air after a few years of stability. (I really didn't mean to make this a recitation of my woes, but honestly it's really helpful to see it all written out here; helps explain my deep deep exhaustion, I guess.)
If I ever followed you on tumblr, I love you. In a number of different ways. I feel fondness at the thought of you and at your presence; I want to know you more fully; I desire the good for you; and I find my well-being to be, at least a little bit, tied up with yours. That last one is the rub. As I'm sorting through all the callings and duties in my life, trying to identify what counts as changing my tires versus what wears my tires out, I've found that my tumblr dashboard can switch back and forth very unpredictably between one thing and the other. Often it's a delight to come on here and find my friends and the cool things we're showing each other and the joys and sorrows and goofy moments of our lives! But at other times, when what I desperately need is an escape and rest and humor to provide solace from in-person cares, I find myself pricked all over again by the sorrow of the world and the stress of sin--or even just irritated by stuff I find irrelevant or disagree with or don't want to be reminded of.
To be clear, I'm not saying anyone's doing anything wrong on here. The opposite; I love the freedom y'all have to seek out what helps you, whether that's a lot of facts and ideas or a lot of goofy content or recipes or weird TV or music or venting about life or seeking prayer or advice! We all have the freedom and responsibility to determine how to use the tools we have to aid us in pursuing the good, whether the good is a quick laugh or building up virtue. But I think for me, at this point in my life, my duty and calling has swung back towards my in-person connections in a variety of ways, and I have to honor that.
The lie of infinity that the internet offers is just that--a lie. for me, that lie right now is being laid bare in my inability to have infinite care for everyone whose path I cross. I could follow everyone on here whom I'm endeared to, could keep messaging and replying and building relationships, but it would be a lie to think I can offer that love and care to everyone I would like to. In-person friendships are limited by physical proximity and time; online friendships can't be unlimited either. I need to apologize for acting as though they could be, and committing myself beyond my limits; but also, my life has really changed, and I'm not going to be caught either by the lie that online is only worthwhile if it's permanent.
I want to be clear that I value the connections I've had with you. I've loved exchanging mail and phone calls, messaging fun things back and forth, being online at the same time or learning about your day after the fact. Please know, also, that I have gone to war in prayer for you, and I continue to do so. I wish that I knew how to love widely without feeling pulled apart and worn down, by difference and sorrow and sin (mine and yours). I hope God is sanctifying me toward that end. But right now I'm fairly convinced I need to honor my calling to in-person friendships; I need to protect my mind and heart from even little pricks and distractions, so that I can keep my desires in order and use my energy for prayer and Scripture and to do good work and love the people God's made my physical neighbors. I really do love you, and I wish we had infinite time to talk and think together. I'm so excited to be with y'all in heaven forever. And who knows--maybe my life will shift yet again (it's looking likely) and I'll have a ton of spare energy and love and will come sheepishly back looking to connect with you again. We'll see. You deserve love and attention and connection, in person and online, and I'm sorry that--at least as it feels to me--I held out the promise of giving you that and then had to withdraw it.
so. there's all that. My dash is super quiet these days, thwarting my dopamine search but pushing me towards texting friends, towards meditating more fully on Scripture, towards praying over my work and burdens. I hope you can understand and maybe even be glad that, God willing, this is how I'm able and needing to work for the kingdom right now. love you love you
#wow! that was crazy!!!! at least this is the neurotic overthinking website#so i hope you can not neurotically overthink what you did to make me unfollow you. and instead rest in our mutual finitude#the other day i had the experience of clarifying with a friend that i'm her best friend but she's not mine. in almost so many words.#(she asked who i'm closest to and i named a couple people here and away. then i asked her and she named a couple people and me)#she got teary but didn't have an anxiety meltdown which is huge progress for her! and we kind of acknowledged the difficulty and moved on#and kept hanging out and texting and loving each other#super weird experience but kind of like a lightning bolt of realizing things i've been intending for a while#we have to give each other the dignity of making choices even when the choices aren't each other. on a social level#we have a higher calling! all of us do! it sucks when the social stuff gets weird but we shouldn't let the weirdness distract from the call#and frankly once you start choosing the call over the world then the world's structures stop being at all compelling#for a neutral tool tumblr can be quite amazingly powerful for the Lord#but it is of the world and runs on some lies and i've hit a breaking point where i needed to confront those lies before i kept going#anyway. the point is. I LOVE YOU. and God has told me I have more urgent loves right now.#what an insane post to be making !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#oh wait edit to add! just to be clear i'm not trying to say don't message/reply/send stuff to me!#if i have to set a boundary i will but things are fine. just needing to reduce the dashboard noise#i highly recommend setting online boundaries btw. it's so much easier than stewing and stressing and wondering if blocking is justified#to just message someone and say ''hey you're doing nothing wrong but this way of interacting bugs me so please stop''#(which i've done only to followers never to people i follow. yet.)
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