#so i am in my moms workplace and this lady is talking shit about this nonverbal autistic kid who came to get a haircut

[reity]

wtf am i listening to.

[lokilickedme]

Somebody help me chill, this is insane.

(under the cut because long and also pretty traumatic, for me at least)

Crazy neighbor, remember her?  Her son destroyed a piece of equipment we had attached to one of our trees at the fenceline last week, she denied it and called us insane liars - that’s the most recent craziness in the ongoing saga of the neighbor from hell.  I was sitting here reading my dash tonight and happened to glance over at the monitor for the surveillance camera husband got me the other day to watch that exact spot (where the equipment was smashed) and guess who I see bent over looking through the fence peering very closely at that exact spot?  Neighbor’s equally insane son, who we know did the actual dirty work.  And I, stupid like I am, took a screenshot of him and then immediately jumped up and ran outside in the dark in my pajamas (nearly 9pm, pitch black, their porch light is off because obviously they’re doing something they don’t want to be seen doing) and I ask “Excuse me, what are you doing?”

This lunatic immediately starts SCREAMING at me - I mean top of his lungs SCREAMING abusive threats, calling me a stupid psycho whore bitch, yelling at me to get my ass back in my house and generally just acting completely off his rocker unhinged nuts - and then his mother comes out and comes over to the fence and gets in my face while I’m just standing there and tells me to mind my own business.  I say I am minding my business, I saw him looking through the fence at my property right where we had vandalism happen last week so I came out to find out why he’s interested in my property.  She laughed in my face and said “No he wasn’t, he was standing right here looking at his phone like this” and she does this little pantomine of someone looking at their phone, which is funny because she wasn’t out there when he was doing it and there are no windows on that side of her house at all.  I ignored her and asked “What are you looking for?”  He kept screaming incoherent animal noises and insults from behind her so I asked again, “What are you looking for?”  And that crazy woman grinned at me and said “We’re just looking to see what kind of new devices you’ve installed!”

OMG.  She didn’t even take a breath in between lying and then contradicting her own lie.  And she’s grinning smugly at me the entire time, gesturing around pointing at our property cams and mosquito light (it flashes and apparently she thinks it’s watching her) and my bedroom window - which means she’s been snooping.  There is a cam sitting in my windowsill, aimed at the spot where the device was smashed.  Every bit of this equipment is on our property, some of it behind a privacy fence.  I tell her it’s none of her business what kind of devices we’ve got on our property, but she just yammers over me, and of course numbskull is still ranting like a psycho behind her, screaming at me to mind my own business and get back in my house and leave them alone.  At this point he’s pulled out his phone and shoved it over her shoulder toward my face and is recording me, which is just...fucking hilarious...because I’m literally doing nothing but standing there in shock and awe at how nuts these people are, and he’s still screaming abusive curses and names at me while he’s recording.

Anyway, for about 4.5 minutes we stood there with them shouting over me (I know the exact time because it was later discovered that our doorbell cam recorded audio of the entire event) and a little ways into it he screams “I WILL TEAR YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!!”

At this point psycho woman finally turns around and says “Addison Case!” and pushes him back.  He lunges at me and she tells him to go call the police (??what??  I mean...I wish he had...my phone was in my hand frozen solid, locked up because of the glitchy surveillance app I had to install to see the camera, or else I would have called them myself - but my god they really thought I was the one the cops needed to come for??).  Meanwhile I’m just standing there on my own property in the dark in my pajamas, all 5 feet and 120 lbs of me, while this rabid animal - he’s a 21 year old college boy - is lunging at me and screaming nonstop, calling me a fucking whore bitch loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear it while his phone’s camera light is in my face blinding me.  Crazy lady smiles that smug shit eating grin of hers and tells me to get back in my house, leave her alone, and move the hell away so she can live in peace.

Wow.  Just...holy shit.

This is the person who has allowed her dog to attack my very small 8 year old son on our property and send him to the hospital with injuries last year, then attempt to attack him again 2 weeks ago (he is now 9 at the time of the second attack) - again on our own property (in our back yard this time, in our front yard the first time), has allowed her dogs (multiple) to bark all night long and keep us awake (she leaves them outside and then goes away for the weekend and they bark the entire time she’s gone), then she had her crazy violent son destroy the BarkBox we put in our tree on our side of the fence last week (we put it up as a humane way to get the barking to stop without having to listen to her call us insane liars every time we complain about it).  Yet...she kept repeating over and over and over for us to leave her alone and stop harassing her.

All I could even do was stand there shaking my head.  It was surreal.  And frustrating, because they wouldn’t even let me get a word out without screaming over me, and she was doing that infuriating Karen thing where they shove their hand at your face and grin smugly while they’re telling you what you better do or they’ll call someone to make you.

I actually started laughing, it was so ludicrous.  She’s committed all those vile offenses against us and we’re the ones that need to leave her alone.  We’ve had to file four police reports against her and we’re the ones that are making her life miserable.  I just can’t stop thinking about that Liar Liar movie where the repeat offender keeps calling his lawyer to complain that the cops won’t stop arresting him and the lawyer finally yells THEN STOP BREAKING THE LAW ASSHOLE!!

It’s just like that.  My god.

SO -

She tells him to call the police again, and this limp dick shoves that phone light right up to my face and says “You think she’s worth calling the cops over?  Look at her, she don’t look worth it to me.”  And bitch starts laughing.  My god, these people are subhuman, I swear.  I’ve never seen anyone act like this in my life, over a person doing literally nothing to them.

So she finally orders her rabid son (who is just about foaming at the mouth, I swear he’s making these barking animal noises at me, it’s weird as hell) into the house and they walk away, with him still ranting like a madman until the door closes behind them.  I immediately go inside my own house and call my husband, who was way out at the back of our property in our camper (he self quarantines each day after work out there to protect us because there have been a lot of covid cases at his workplace) and he didn’t know anything was happening.  He immediately runs up to the house and I tell him I caught neighbor’s thug son messing around at our fence and that when I went out he threatened to kill me.

Tom grabs something - I don’t even know what it was, I think it was this piece of board that was sitting by the door, we’ve done a shelving project recently and a couple of leftover pieces have been there for a few days - and he stalks outside toward neighbor’s house.  I hear him yell COME OUT HERE BOY!!! and I stg you guys, if I wasn’t on the phone calling 911 I might have thought about getting naked right there and then because damn.

So anyway, let’s not go there.  This is serious by god lol (look for this to show up in a fic soon though because material like this doesn’t get handed to you for free every day).

I call 911 and say the neighbor’s son just threatened my life and for them to come quick because he’s still over there but I know he’s going to leave any second (this is his mom’s M.O, the two times the police have tried to go talk to her she gets in her car and leaves before they can get from my house to hers, and I know he’ll do the same because COWARDS).  Tom comes back and says the little pussywillow wouldn’t come out of the house.  He’s breathing fire, you guys.  Pure fucking fire.  I tell 911 to get somebody out quick before the kid leaves, and just about 2 minutes after I hang up he does just that - we see him blast past our house in his truck and he’s gone, and then the police arrive about 3 minutes after.  I’m so mad I can’t see straight.  If they’d been able to see him in the state he was in, they’d have arrested him on sight.

Two squad cars (big SUV’s) pull up and block her driveway with full lights flashing, which makes me laugh because suddenly we’ve got neighbors coming outside to see what’s going on.  I meet the officers outside, and the crazy bitch next door does the same, yelling “Hello Officer!” and waving to them as they’re coming up to my porch.

They talk to me and Tom for a long time, I tell them everything that happened, they interview Big (he and Little were inside the open door and heard it all), we fill out our statements and talk with them more until one officer goes next door to talk to neighbor.  We can hear her dripping her fake sugar and spice while they’re talking on her porch and my husband loses his shit - he heads toward her house and yells “We got the entire thing on recording, don’t even try to lie!  Your kid, threatening to kill my wife?!?”  (he’s referring to the camera in my bedroom window, which actually only recorded about 2 minutes because I don’t have it set up correctly yet, but they don’t know that). The officer yells at him to get back, which, yeah - he shouldn’t have done that, but for god’s sake the woman’s peckerhead son just literally threatened murder on a member of his family, this is the final fucking straw and he’s mad.  And as he’s coming back across the yard the officer that stayed with me points at our new doorbell camera, just freshly installed as of about two weeks ago, and asks if it’s on.  We haven’t even really figured out how to use it yet, but yes, as far as we know it’s on.  The incident happened around the side of the house, but the doorbell records audio.

God bless technology.

I invite the officer inside the house and Tom gets his phone, pulls up the app for the doorbell, and starts skipping through the recording looking for the right timestamp.  Up till this point all they have is me saying the guy screamed a lot of abusive profanities at me and threatened to tear my head off, and they’re taking me serious but probably not that serious, you know?  Neighbors fight all the time, wars start over barking dogs, things get exaggerated, we’ve all seen the TV dramas.

Until Tom finds the segment on the footage and starts playing it to them on his phone.  It’s kind of quiet because we were a good distance away, but you can hear the guy screaming just like I said he was.  The officer asks if we have a speaker we can play it through so he can hear the words more clearly, because he needs proof of threat and that’s entirely in the words.

You guys, I’m tellin’ ya, sometimes you get a chance to fucking SHINE.  My husband is a musician and this cop is asking him if he’s got a good speaker.  So within minutes Tom’s got this huge venue-style amplifier designed for broadcasting music to the back wall of a freaking stadium pulled out into the livingroom and he’s hooking his phone up to it, and then he hits play and the other officer comes back from next door to join us and I can tell by the annoyed look on his face that neighbor bitch has likely charmed him and shed a plethora of persecuted tears and spewed her lies about how we’ve been harassing her forEVER and I think for a second that it’s a total loss now, he’s made his mind up in her favor.

And then...away we go.  Tom cranks the volume on the speaker and they both lean in to listen closely.

Just about a minute into the recording they have their proof - thugnuts screaming I WILL TEAR YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!!!

Both officers nod, close their notebooks, and the second officer makes a phonecall while the first one turns to me and says “That’s terroristic threatening and it’s a class C felony.  You’re going to need to go to the PA’s office with all the reports you’ve filed against them so far and all your evidence from tonight including that recording and hand it all to them.  They’re likely going to issue a no-contact so that he can’t interact with you ever again.”

This is a victory, but it’s just the first step, and I feel sickeningly disheartened that it’s all in my lap to do everything.  I want them to go demand his whereabouts from his mother and just go get his ass and haul him in.  But no, I have a ton of legwork to do now because these horrible people won’t fucking stop.

After several more minutes of me asking questions about what exactly we need to do and where we need to go, etc etc (I’m competent but I’m also fucking rattled, someone threatened to kill me tonight and I’m blanking hard on the instructions he’s giving me) they finally wrap it up and leave.  They’ve been in my house for a half hour waiting for me to finish filling out the report (I had to ask for more paper because honey I’m getting ALL the details in there) and I can just imagine how freaked out neighbor is when she sees what time they finally move their cars from in front of her driveway.

And now I’m coming down from the weird calm that I had through the entire event, and my heart feels like it’s going to EXPLODE.  I had heart surgery two months ago, do I need this??  The pathetic part is that I know now just how stupid those people are, and I know this won’t be the end from their side by any means.  We’ll start finding more stuff broken, or he’ll start climbing over the fence back at the back of the property to steal stuff from husband’s tool shed, or my tires will get slashed.  These people are that dumb and hateful, they proved it tonight.  He said if we had animals he would kill them, and then he made the same threat against me.  How stupid does a person have to be to stand there with his phone out recording himself ranting and making threats against a woman standing in her own yard in her pajamas?  Big tough man there.  And his mama grinning at me the whole time, telling me I’m crazy and she’s concerned for her own safety because of me, while her son is standing right behind her threatening my life.

I’m just...my god, I don’t even know what to think.  I thought people only acted like this in TV dramas, seriously.  I’ve seen some shit in my life but this particular brand of stupid has up till now evaded me, but now it’s been in my face and I’m sort of in shock.

I don’t like guns.  At ALL.  Tom has always had at least one hidden carefully away, safely locked up away from the house, but now there are two inside my house in immediate grabbing range.  He insisted that I let him show me how to use them.  Rules were laid down for the boys - never touch, never, don’t even get close to them - and now there is a box of shotgun shells on my fireplace mantel and a singleshot rifle by the door.  I hate this so damn much.

Don’t pick it up unless you’re ready to use it, he told me.  Without even thinking, I said back, “If I touch it it’s getting used.”

I HATE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH

My god.  I told the cops that the drug lord that lived over there four years ago was a better neighbor than this woman.  They didn’t even laugh.

I guess they’re right, now that I think about it...it isn’t funny.

[thebadboyfanclub]

You Can Do Better (Rio x Reader)

Requested by anon, i’ve posted this for the third time and tumblr is being a fucking asshole to the point were i’m thinking of quitting this since every week I get a new way of them hiding my works. Enjoy it while it lasts

T.W. mentioning of attempted rape

(Y/n) had been Micks neighbor for a few months before the incident happened, this absolute dumpster was the only thing she could afford at the time, fresh out of college, in a foreign country without any family, but she was hoping to moving quickly. However, when Mick was coming home, he heard her screams and cries for help from the bottom of the stairs, he had seen her once or twice, even baked him cookies when he first moved in, she was nice and a quiet neighbor. 

He found (y/n) being held down by two men in masks and one of them try to rape her, she was begging and screaming, he almost acted on instict when he shot the guy in the back, the other tried to attack him and he also ended up with a bullet in between his eyes. (Y/n) thanked him and Mick had to stop her from calling the police. Instead they called Rio. He was met with two dead bodies, A girl in her torn pajamas shaking and crying and Mick trying to calm her down.

“Those motherfuckers”

Was all he said, it didn’t take a genius to figure out what had gone down, Rio was a criminal and balls deep in despicable things, yet he was proud to say he had never laid hands on a woman nor a child. He kneeled in front of her, took a good look at her eyes, her entire body shaking as she looked at him, you could sense the trauma she had been through.

Rio had heard of her when Mick told him about this little girl next door that baked him cookies as a welcoming gift, he recalled how his friend laughed when he mentioned that the girl asked him his opinion about the next tattoo she wanted to get. Now this happy light hearted girl was replaced because two men thought they are superior.

“Hi sweetheart, I understand this is hard, we will take care of everything alright? You trust us?”

“I had locked the door, I was sleeping”

“I know sweetheart, it wasn’t your fault. We’ll take care of you ok?”

“Thank you”

-

Since Mick had vouched for her and Rio had seen her at her worst they felt obligated to take her under their wings, maybe even help her earn a little more money, get a good car, pay her bills comfortably, that sort of stuff. Until one day she asked to do more, get initiated

“Mama this isn’t the playground, we ain’t playing cops and robbers”

“I know, but you said I am learning quickly, why not teach me more?”

“Why you wanna do this? All of a sudden you feel like being a gangster? You were shaking in your shoes a few months ago”

“I’m done being your little child Rio, I want to hold my own. I will do this with or without you”

Rio looked at her with a serious face. She was growing, becoming fearless, ruthless, he had seen it coming, she was picking up more slack, asking more questions, she wanted to prove herself.

“You’re threating me mama?”

“And what if I am?”

She quickly not only proved herself, she became one of his most valuable members, she was his secret weapon, nobody would suspect a young little hotel receptionist being linked to them. She worked twice as hard and smarter than most if not all his men, advised him wisely and was always cool, calm and collected, she worked best under pressure. Scared little (y/n) felt like had never even happened, she was his soldier now, she had Micks status and Mick couldn’t be more proud, he had a soft spot for her.

“Hey mister policeman, Have some room for another criminal?”

She joked as she leaned at the door of her car, waiting for the new little boy toy to get out of the police station. Now the normal question is why is (y/n) around a police man, there is a two part answer to that. Great lover and also great cover, she was his little thing, so nobody would dare blame you for any crime, the girl of the police man being a gangster? it sounded like a joke.

“Depends on what crime we are talking about miss”

“I can think of a few, we can put those handcuffs to use”

As he approached her she smiled and took off her sunglasses. She looked amazing in her blue loose ripped jeans and a simple oversized white t shirt, a chain necklace around her neck and some nice rings on her fingers as her hair fell  in front of her breasts, wearing a pair of high heels to style it up.

How you doing gorgeous?”

“Oh you know, thriving and surviving. How about you, I thought you had a day off today”

“Yes but I got assigned to a new case”

“Ohhhh should I be concerned? any criminal on the loose?”

“Not really, we are trying to find a link for this Rio guy”

Jackpot, this couldn’t have gone better. She tried to contain her smile and leaned back on the door, acting like nothing had happened.

“Oh I think you’ve mentioned him before, what did he do now?”

“Lots of things but motherfucker always slips away, chief thinks he has someone on the inside”

“Like a dirty cop?”

“Yes, so he wants me to look into it”

“Look at you, leading a case... Sexy”

The guy smiled at her, he was completely fooled and hooked. She hadn’t told anyone about her plan of seducing him to get information, she didn’t need to up until this point, yet what she did not calculate was Rio seeing her outside the police station talking to a fucking cop, the outmost enemy and being all close and cozy to him, acting all buddy buddy in broad daylight.

“I’m glad you like it miss”

“There’s a lot of things I like about you baby, anyway I have to go, I have a shift to clock in to”

“I’ll see ya later?”

“Maybe. Bye handsome”

At that (Y/n) got in her car and drove away. Rio was pissed, the girl he trusted and the girl he wanted was flirting with a policeman, how could she? He trusted her, taught her everything he knew, gave her everything with generosity and she was becoming a cops whore? Of course it wasn’t just about flirting with a cop, it was flirting with someone that wasn’t him.(Y/n) was a charming woman, he found her extremely attractive and she was even better now with the confidence she had gained over time, she was a woman he craved, the woman he wanted to have on his side, a queen that could hold the keys to his kingdom. Now all this was slowly shattering, no there had to be an explanation and he couldn’t wait to hear it.

Of course he could not just appear at her workplace, she was gracious enough to arrange a room for him incognito when Beth shot him, yet they had to act like strangers so all he could do was wait for her. 

“Hey boss, sorry I’m late I had to take care of a few things”

“Like that cop friend of yours?”

She had barely closed the door of his office before he blurred it out, he had this whole plan of making her confess by herself, except when he saw her he lost control. Betrayal and confusion clouded his mind, as she stood there a bit dumbfounded for a quick moment before smirking at him.

“Stalking much?”

“I like to make sure my people are in line”

“Really? Is that why Beth is still walking around unharmed?”

He knew how much that had shook her up, (Y/n) took care of him almost as good as the doctor, she stayed with him until he fell asleep, helped him renew his bandages and anything else he needed, even though she never said it he was aware she was extremely concerned for him and he was grateful for her care, which made it even more complicated considering the fact that he was slowly becoming more addicted to her, needing and wanting more than she gave him.

“Let’s just cut to the shit, what were you doing there?”

“Talking”

“Talking? to a cop? what is this (y/n) huh?”

She sat in the chair calmly, any normal person would have either shit their pants or told him what they were planning right away. (Y/n) on the other hand found this amusing, she had grown tired of him doing things without considering the danger he was putting himself, especially when it came to Beth and the others, if it was anyone else they would have been six feet under the second Rio opened his eyes, now he had cut them in once again and had almost gotten Boss status.

 “Yes, one of your little ladies is married to a cop, what’s the issue with me talking then?”

“Last time I check you ain’t never flapped your gums to a fed”

“I don’t flap my gums Rio, I have conversations and if you really want to know he is my new boy toy. He also was the one that told me about your case, how the fuck do you think I got the information? By holding interviews?”

Rio didn’t know how to feel, she was still working for him, had used her privilege to get information for him that had saved him a lot of money, however the whole “boy toy” thing did not sit well, she liked him, she gave him her time and even though she was stringing him along, she still had him in her life.

“You did what you were supposed to do and you got rewarded, so why you still talking to him”

“Don’t start the bullshit Rio, I’m not your daughter nor your girl so why do you care who am i fucking with”

“Where’s your fucking respect to your boss (y/n)?”

“Respect? how about where’s the respect for yourself? You let the suburban moms do whatever the fuck they are doing and I’m getting shit for having sex and getting you info from the feds?”

He was pushing it, he knew that and he didn’t care, it was time to reveal his cards and she was going to do the same, whether she liked it or not. Rio leaned back on his chair, his hand rubbing his chin as he looked at her, sitting there and looking right back at him, she wasn’t lying he knew that, she had a point for the suburban moms and she had expressed her disapproval for the little thing that was going on between him and Beth. What he did not understand was if she didn’t like it cause she was a tad bit jealous or because it fucked with their money and reputation?

“You are something else you know that?”

“Yet you still question my methods, if I remember correctly I wasn’t the one that planted three bullets in you”

“You are scared of losing me mama?”

She did not respond, she just turned and looked away from him. Of course (y/n) had picked up his little flirty remarks from time to time, she would be lying to herself if she didn’t admit she had thought of how he would be in bed, how his embrace would feel, his raspy voice was enough to start fantasies enough to make a book.

“Let’s say I am, what are you scared of Rio? Why do you care who I’m sleeping with?”

“He is a cop”

“A handsome cop, I’m sure you noticed how nicely that uniform was on him, let me tell you it’s even better when he sweats”

“I don’t need to hear it”

“Why? Does it bother you Christopher?”

She raised herself from the seat and placed her hands on the desk, leaning closer to him and making her breasts show just enough as her back curved in a perfect little S, she focused in his eyes as her tongue went over her upper lip. Rio got closer to her, his hand reached her face, as he held on to the side of her head and his thumb went over the lower lip.

“You’re not for him mama”

“Why not?”

“A woman like you is not for no goody two shoes, you can do better”

“Really? like who?”

They could feel each others breaths, their faces were almost touching as they both spoke in whispers, this conversation was not meant for no one else, they didn’t even have to speak as their body language was saying everything it needed to be said. She felt her breath become more swallow, his scent was getting her a tad bit flustered and so was hers to him.

 He wanted to take her right here and then, just the idea of her naked body was enough to drive him wild, her hair was so soft he could only imagine them stuck on her face from the sweat, the most amazing part was her lips, soft and full that made his mind go wild with the need to feel them in his lips and his body, the doors to her moans.

“I can show you better than I can tell you”

“Let’s get it then boss”

[sunflowerspecter]

any moment, any time (a.h.)

summary: being in love is hard, in your line of work. you only hope that you can tell him all of your feelings before it’s too late. unrelated, his brother is your best friend. 

warnings: this one is... just, filled with angst, my loves. i’m so sorry. there’s also a lot of fluff, to make up for it, though. angst with a happy ending (you hope)

pairing: aaron hotchner x reader (gender neutral, but if i made a mistake let me know!)

words: 4801

part: 1/2 (part two sometime in the next few days, just because this one turned out pretty long)  part two

note: originally titled ‘best friend’s brother’ after the song from victorious (yes), this started as a 3k domestic fluff piece with a high school trope and turned into the disaster that it is. if you can name all the songs i quote throughout this i’ll give you bonus points. i regret everything. 

To say that you were exhausted would be a bit of an understatement—but that’s what four and a half hours worth of paperwork did to a person. You loved your job, and you loved the BAU, they were your family, but there was truly nothing better than falling into bed at the end of the day. 

When you got home, however, there was a human lying on your bed, hands behind his head, legs crossed, eyes watching you. 

Sean Hotchner, in all his glory. 

“Damnit,” you laugh. “What the hell are you doing here?” You crossed the room as he moved over. You sat beside him and he threw an arm over your shoulder. 

“What, I can’t drop in to say hello to my best friend randomly?” he asked. 

You shrugged. “No, you can, but you can’t break into my apartment randomly.” He practically leaped off the bed, turning to sit at your desk, across the room from the bed. 

“Well, I’m here now, so you have to put up with me.” 

You kicked off your shoes, throwing your blazer on the floor and beginning to change into the first pair of pajamas you could find. You and Sean had been best friends for so long that changing in front of the other was normal, and you trusted him. Besides, you were too tired to care. 

“Well, I’ve had a very long day in the office, so you’ll have to talk to me in the morning.” 

Sean laughed, quietly, hesitantly, and said, “My brother treating you guys good?” 

You lay down, pulling the covers over yourself and staring at the ceiling. Oh, so many ways you could have answered that question. So many things that you didn’t want to think about. So many things that it wasn’t okay to think about your best friend’s brother. But that was a conversation for another day. You didn’t want to explain your feelings for your best friend’s brother to your best friend, not yet. And yes, you felt so guilty for it, especially with the workplace flirting between you and Aaron, and the not-so-appropriate glances and yes, even the standing too close to each other made you feel guilty. But you couldn’t tell Sean. You weren’t ready. “Yes,” you said plainly. “He’s good at what he does.” 

Sean scoffed, nodding. “Yes, he is.” He got up, then moved to lay beside you. “I’m here till Saturday, can I crash here?” 

You turned to face him, where he was staring at the ceiling, much like you were. “Of course.” 

“You’re the best,” he said, and you laughed. 

“Don’t you forget that.” You let out a sigh, then said, “How’ve you been?” 

He opened his mouth, then closed it, and turned to face you. “Okay, I guess.” 

“You guess?” 

“Just been a tough couple of months,” he said, and before you could respond, he said, “Go to sleep. You’re exhausted. We’ll talk tomorrow.” 

You wanted to argue, but then you nodded. You were tired. “Okay,” you whispered. “It’s good to see you.” 

“Yeah,” he said. “Missed you. Now go to sleep.” He turned over and slipped under your arm, letting you push your fingers through his hair. It had been a year-and-a-half since you and Sean had been able to see each other last, and it had been a year since you had come to terms with your feelings for your boss. You wanted to tell Sean (he was always telling you that you spend too much time hunting serial killers and not enough time meeting people), but there was no way he would want you seeing his brother. 

Another day, you thought. Another day. 

~~~oOo~~~ 

“Sir,” you said, knocking on Hotch’s door. You tried to ignore the butterflies in your stomach, but when you no longer could, you blamed them on the fact that you were about to get personal with your boss, and say something that you probably shouldn’t. 

“Come in,” you heard, so you did. He was sitting at his desk, doing paperwork. He didn’t look up as you walked in, so you stood awkwardly for a moment. He finished writing the sentence, then looked up at you. “Are you alright, Y/n?” 

You nodded quickly, swallowing. “Look, it’s none of my business,” you started, and the look on his face made you rush out, “and it’s nothing bad. But he’s my best friend, and I’d like to say that I’d consider you a friend,” (just friends), “so for the sake of both of you, I’m going to tell you. Sean’s in town—” he opened his mouth to say something, but you kept talking— “and I think it would do you both good if you would give him a call.” 

He froze, not exactly sure what to say to you. He ended up just shaking his head. “I appreciate your concern, but,” he stopped, then looked up at you. “Since when are you friends with Sean?” 

The question catches you off guard, and you step back. “Since… I don’t know. A few years, I think? You know this. He was visiting you here, started talking to me in the bullpen, we exchanged numbers, started talking.” You breathed out, then said, “I hardly see how that’s relevant.” 

He shook his head. “You’re right, it isn’t.” He sighed, and crossed his arms. “Is that all?” 

No, dumbass, I’m in love with you, a voice in your head said. 

“Yes, it is,” your actual voice said. You turned on your heel and walked out of the room, closing the door as gently as possible behind you. JJ looked up at you, tilting her head. When you sat at your desk, she and Emily exchanged looks. 

“What was that about?” JJ asked. Emily nodded behind her, looking you up and down. 

“Nothing important,” you said. 

“Did you tell him that you love him?” Emily said, and you immediately glanced around the room to see if anyone heard, but no one was in close proximity, save for Spencer, listening to a tape with his headphones. 

“Emily,” you hissed. “No, no I did not, and no, I am not.” 

JJ groaned. “Oh, come on! You know it’s true.” 

You leaned back in your seat, covering your eyes with your hands. “He’s my boss.” 

“Yeah, but technically, you report to Rossi, so you wouldn’t be breaking any rules,” Emily said. 

“He’s just as head over heels for you as you are for him,” JJ added. 

You sighed. You were about to retort it, when Garcia walked in. “New cases, ladies! And Spencer.” 

“Oh, shit,” you muttered, remembering that Sean was probably raiding your kitchen at that exact moment. You stood and pulled out your phone as Emily and JJ started heading to the conference room. 

“I’ll be up in a moment,” you said to them. As soon as they left, you called Sean. It went to voicemail, which could not be a good sign. You started speaking as you walked up to the conference room.“Hi, Sean, it’s me, call me when you get this, but I’m at work, we just got a case, not sure how long it will take, but you know where my spare key is.” You stopped a few feet from the door, making sure your team couldn’t hear you. “Don’t set my apartment on fire. Love you, bye.” 

The conference room was dead silent when you walked into the room. 

“Love you, bye,” Morgan said. Your jaw dropped, and you immediately turned to Hotch, who was looking through the case file, jaw clenched. 

JJ and Emily and Garcia had equally horrified expressions on their face (they all knew you loved Hotch. And also you were supposed to tell them everything). You shook your head at them.

Rossi was quietly trying to explain what had happened to Reid. “Did you all eavesdrop on my private conversation?” The girls and Morgan nodded, Rossi sighed, and Hotch didn’t move. “How much of that did you hear?” 

“Don’t set my apartment on fire,” Morgan said. “So, who’s the guy?” 

You shook your head and sat down. “A close friend is staying at my place.” Hotch looked up at you then, and tilted his head. You could watch it click in his head, as he realized his brother was staying at your place. ‘I’m sorry,’ you mouthed at him, but he just shook his head and tried to soften his face as much as possible, to show he wasn’t upset. You could see right past it. 

“We have four fires in Wyoming,” Garcia said, clicking through the pictures of the buildings. “And 13 people dead. After further examination, the coroner determined that all of the victims were dead before the fire started.” 

“Wait,” Morgan said, “so this guy is killing people, and then lighting the buildings up to cover his tracks?” 

“Is it the kill or the fire that gets him off?” Rossi added. 

“That’s what we have to find out. Wheels up in 30,” Hotch said, and the team dispersed. You longed to go after Hotch, to maybe explain, to say something, anything, but you didn’t. You walked with Spencer to get your go bags. 

“So, I may have overheard you and JJ and Emily talking a little bit,” he said. You looked up at him and he shrugged. “I think you and Hotch would make a good couple. You balance each other out, and you’re always bouncing ideas off of each other.” Reid paused, then shook his head. 

“What is it?” you asked, stopping him before you reached your desks. 

He laughed, “It’s just that you and Hotch have mom and dad vibes.” 

“We… we do?” You sort of laughed at the thought. You ruffled Spencer’s hair and then shook your head, grabbing your things. 

“Besides, you guys would make a pretty couple.” Your head snapped up to look at him, but he was distracted, gathering his own things.

“Spencer!” you laughed, and he just shrugged. 

“I’m not wrong.” 

“No, you’re never wrong, pretty boy,” you said. And then you and him walked to the plane, and he recounted the latest strange and obscure fact he heard. 

“You know, I think I actually read about that,” you said. 

“Really?” he asked, sitting by the window. 

“No.” You sat across from him as Hotch walked in the room. He sat beside you, and you had to pretend it didn’t affect you. 

“Hey, look,” you whispered to him. He turned to you, and you sighed. “Yes, Sean is staying at my place, but I just want you to know that—” 

“No, it’s okay. What you said earlier, you were just looking out for your boyfriend, who happens to be my brother, it’s okay.” 

Your jaw dropped as he turned away. “Boyfriend?” you hissed, as low as you could so the team wouldn't hear as they boarded. “Sean is not my boyfriend, Hotchner.” But I wish you were.

“I’m sorry, I just assumed,” he said quietly, his eyes boring into your soul. 

You crossed your arms. “God, you call yourself such a great profiler, but you really can’t profile your friends,” you whispered, so quietly that even he couldn’t hear you. 

You were quiet for the rest of the plane ride, and by the time you got to Wyoming, it was already late. You went straight to the hotel, where you split off into pairs. Of course, the team sensed the tension between you and Hotch, and being the troublemakers that they were, decided to put you and him together. 

“It’s best for the team that you work out your issues,” JJ said. 

“It’s in our best interest,” Emily said. 

“We need you at your best,” Rossi said. 

And then, Spencer, with: “Contrary to popular belief, forced proximity actually does little to grow bonds between—” 

And then a unanimous: “Shut up!” 

And then, there’s a, “Fuck,” as you entered the room. 

You felt a little bit like you were living in a bad romance novel as you saw it: the room had one bed. 

It was fine. Adults can share beds. It’s only mature. You shared a bed with the other Hotchner brother just last night. This would be a breeze. 

It was not a breeze when you almost forgot he was there and started to strip in the middle of the room, only to shriek and run to the bathroom. 

It was also not a breeze when he walked out of the bathroom wearing a soft t-shirt and pajama pants that made your heart skip (several) beats. 

It was also not a breeze when he tried to take the floor and you said that it was only reasonable that you share because the team wanted us to bond and we aren’t going to do that on separate levels. 

“And also if you're on the floor and a serial killer walks in, you’re the first target,” you said. 

He furrowed his brow, confused, and titled his head. He didn’t exactly know what to say, so he just said, “Okay. But I’m sleeping on the side closest to the door, so I’m still the first target,” he said, and you almost laughed, because it was almost funny. 

“I’m sorry about the comment I made on the plane,” he said. “I… I was jealous, and I let my emotions get the better of me.” 

“Jealous?” you said (you couldn’t help yourself). You were lying on your back, staring at the ceiling, and he was on his side, facing away from you. 

“Maybe that wasn’t the right word.” 

“Then what word would you have used?” 

“I’m not sure. Reid would probably have the exact word for this feeling.” 

You stifled a laugh and shrugged, turning just your head to look at him. “Well, whatever it was, rest assured, Sean and I aren’t together like that. We’re just friends.”

He made a noise just to assure you that he heard in, and then he went silent. “Goodnight, Y/n,” he said. 

“Goodnight, Aaron.” 

And that’s how, at three am, you sent a text to Sean of sleeping Aaron Hotchner, facing away from you, saying, ‘God is testing me.’ Of course, that was meant to go to JJ. 

“Shit,” you muttered, trying to delete the text (and almost not succeeding, but that god for Garcia’s technology hacks) and sending it to its intended recipient. You didn’t exactly want to send pictures of your best friend’s brother to your best friend in the middle of the night. 

Hotch stirred, beside you. You were sitting up, leaning against the headboard, and he was still on his side, facing the door. “Ev’ry think okay?” he muttered, and you patted his shoulder. 

“Yes, love, go to sleep,” you said, running a finger down his arm (in a completely platonic attempt to get your friend back to sleep). He flipped over to face you, then, eyes wide open. You silently cursed yourself. “I just called you love.” 

“Yes, you did, love,” he said, and you sighed.

“It’s too early to be made fun of.” 

His eyes darkened and he shook his head. “Except for I’m dead serious,” he said. You looked at him, and he sat up too, moving closer to you. “It’s not fair,” he said, “it’s not fair how much I love you.” 

You shook your head, then leaned over and kissed his forehead. “It’s late and you’re half asleep,” you whispered. “Tell me in the morning if you mean it.” 

He was too tired to argue, so he huffed an, “A’ight,” and lay his head in your lap. You ran your fingers through his hair and his breathing deepened, falling to sleep right away. He looked so innocent while he slept, as if the horrors of his day simply weren’t there. As if he wasn’t haunted day and night by things most people only experience in horror films. As if he hadn’t lived through more than his fair share of trauma. 

He was just… peaceful. 

~~~oOo~~~

You woke up slowly, Hotch held in your arms. You were surprised at how cuddly he was, only because of his hard exterior, but you were pleasantly surprised. He absolutely deserved to be taken care of. He stirred, blinking rapidly for a second and lifting himself slightly off of you, taking in his surroundings. 

“Hi,” he murmured, laying his head against your chest and slipping his arms around your waist. 

“Hello,” you said back. “We should get ready.” 

“We have time,” he said, pulling you closer. 

You pushed your hand through his hair. “Whatever you say, sir.” 

~~~oOo~~~

“You’re here early,” Morgan said as he walked into the room. “That can’t be good. You and the bossman fight?” 

You sighed, resisting the urge to say, ‘I wish,’ and instead saying, “I neither confirm nor deny that.” After a few minutes, you had untangled yourself from Hotch and gotten ready for the day, 3 am conversations and 6 am cuddles forgotten. 

Spencer walked in a few minutes after Morgan, talking animatedly to JJ, explaining one of the many books on fire he read during the night. You shared a glance with JJ, who excused herself and immediately walked to you. 

“Y/n,” she whispered, and you shook your head. “There was one bed!” she said, too loudly. 

“Wait, you and Hotch slept in the same bed?” Morgan said, and you groaned. 

“Yes! There was one bed, and we were both too tired to fight it, and we’re both mature adults, and it’s not like I haven’t shared a bed with a Hotchner before—” which is not what you meant to say, especially not as Hotch walked into the room. His eyes widened (for a brief moment) and he sat down, choosing to ignore the comment. 

“Let’s get to work.” 

~~~oOo~~~

It was supposed to be easy. You had an address, and you were half an hour out. But Hotch and Emily and Reid had been interviewing a witness, and they were ten minutes out. 

In twenty minutes, Emily had been shot (thank god for bullet proof vests, but she’d have a nasty scar), Hotch was taken hostage, and Spencer was, luckily, unharmed. 

“Oh, my god,” Rossi said, as you, Morgan, and JJ approached Emily and Reid, who were standing by their car. 

“Where’s Hotch?” you asked, and Emily shook her head. 

“There’s four of them,” Emily said. 

“We got the profile wrong?” 

“No,” Spencer said, moving his hands with his words, “it’s his family, they’re protecting him.” 

“Wait, so Hotch is still in there?” you said, looking towards the window. 

Rossi, who had taken a phone call as you discussed it, said, “SWAT and backup is on their way.” 

You glanced around and noticed that police were blocking off the scene, and JJ was talking to the press. Your head was spinning. 

“Fuck,” you muttered, running a hand through your hair. 

“What’s the plan?” Morgan asked, and Rossi gave him an uneasy look. Hotch was always the one who came up with plans in situations like these. Damn. Rossi made the plan, and started talking to the team and a group of officers. 

“We surround the house. I want everyone looking for viewpoints inside. Make sure my agent is okay—” the thought made you shiver “—and we trust him if he’s talking.” 

The group nodded, and someone asked, “If we get a shot, do we take it?” 

Rossi shook his head. “No; they have weapons and will hurt my agent if one of their own is attacked. We want this to go down as peacefully as possible.” 

You bit your lip as Morgan handed you a vest. Your eyes didn’t leave the house. 

“I have a bad feeling about this,” you told him. 

“It’s gonna be okay. Hotch is strong, he’s probably talking them down as we speak.” You nodded, huffing out a sigh. Morgan sighed. “He’s going to live, and you and him are going to talk about your feelings, and you’re going to be the happiest couple in the BAU,” he said. 

You gave him a half smile. “Thank you.” 

He pat your shoulder, tilting his head toward the group. “No problem. Now let’s go save your man.” 

~~~oOo~~~

The ambulance ride was your least favorite part. They wouldn’t let you ride with Hotch (something about claustrophobia and how they needed more EMTs and you would just take up space). So instead you were sitting in an ambulance, Reid on one side of you and Emily on the other, Morgan getting his arm stitched up across from you. Rossi was driving JJ to the hospital, saying that they would meet you there. 

Your only thought the entire time was that Hotch was in that ambulance by himself with a goddamn gunshot wound. 

“What’s the statistical likelihood that Hotch dies?” you said, looking to Reid, who shook his head.

“I don’t think you want to know, honestly.” 

Emily put her arm around your shoulders. “It’s gonna be okay, I swear.” 

You weren’t regretting not telling him that you love him. You weren’t regretting not kissing him or taking him to see the sunset or learning about the stars with him or showing him all of the wonderful things life offers. You weren’t regretting not doing that, no. You were regretting that you wouldn’t be able to do that. You weren’t regretting what you didn’t do, no, because the past is the past and you can’t change what you didn’t have the courage to do. You were regretting what you wouldn’t be able to do, things that hadn’t had the chance to be. The dreams you hadn’t yet had that were crushed before they even surfaced. 

You were crying before you even reached the hospital. Reid was rubbing your arms and Emily had you in her arms, and Morgan was on the phone with Rossi. You cried all the way into the building and all the way up the stairs and all the way into the waiting room. You cried until you couldn’t cry anymore and JJ handed you a bottle of water. 

“Drink up, Y/n,” she said gently, “Aaron would want you to.” 

You nodded, feeling a little numb. You weren’t sure how long you were going to be sitting their in anguish, waiting for a doctor to come in the room. Maybe it would be a nurse. Either way, they would have a look on their face, a mix of being tired from having been through such a long surgery and the pain of having it be for nothing. The pain of having to walk out here and tell a group of strangers that their loved one died, and that they tried to stop it, they did, but they couldn’t. 

It ate away at your thoughts, your stomach doing flips and your head spinning. You felt lighter, all of a sudden. Like you could take a step and float away, even though you were sitting down. And then the room got really loud. But not the voices, it was a ringing in your ear, a sound the color silver, and then it was a sharp pain in your skull. 

“Y/n! Y/n, can you hear me?” you heard a soft, female voice say, but you couldn’t exactly place it. 

“Get help,” a deeper voice said, and then you recognized that as Morgan, and you shook your head, drinking some of the water JJ gave you and closing your eyes. 

“I’m just dehydrated, and the fluorescent lights aren’t helping,” you said. Then you remembered, “I have to call Sean.” You stood up and walked out of the room as quickly as possible, walking right out the sliding door and into the cool night air. 

The phone rang twice before he picked up. “Hello?” 

“Hey, Sean,” you said, voice breaking. 

“Are you okay? What happened?” 

You looked down at your shoes (they were dirty from running after serial killers and kicking down doors and running into houses where the love of your life has just been shot). “It’s… it’s Aaron,” you said. 

A pause. “What about Aaron?” 

“He was… he was shot.” 

Silence. A silence that lasted so long that you could almost feel reality bending around you. 

“He was shot?” Sean’s voice was eerily calm. Until it wasn’t. “Is he alive? Oh, my god, Y/n, is he alive?” 

Stray tears slipped down your face. “He’s in surgery right now. I… he didn’t look good when I saw him.” 

When you saw him… it brings up a whole new wave of emotions. 

There were gunshots fired. You were behind the house, in case anyone ran. By the time you got back around, one guy was dead, two were in handcuffs, and one was shot. You didn’t see Aaron, and Rossi and Morgan were busy, and Reid was talking to an officer, and JJ was talking to the press, and Emily was yelling for a medic. 

A medic. 

Your feet were moving before you could even think it, and you were in the house in an instant. Aaron was lying on the floor, a growing spot of red on his white shirt. You could hear Emily tell you to stay with him while she got someone’s attention. 

“No,” you muttered, kneeling beside his barely-conscious body. Distantly, you heard a train. “No, Aaron, can you hear me?” 

“I… I can hear you,” he said, and you cupped his cheek with one hand while you tried to stop the bleeding with the other, to no avail. You didn’t want to hurt him more; you didn’t press that hard, but you also didn’t want him to die in your arms. 

“Where’s the goddamn medic?” you cried, and you felt Aaron grasp at you, trying to grab your hand. “Hey, I’m here, stay with me, you’re going to be okay.” He was slipping away, his eyes fluttering closed. “No, no, look at me,” you said. 

“I’m here,” he whispered, his voice scratchy. 

“Count to ten,” you said, pushing hair from his face, encouraging him to keep his eyes trained on you. 

“One,” he said, tightening and then loosening his grip on your arm. You saw the paramedics out of the corner of your eye, and you silently prayed to whoever was listening. “Two.” 

“Good, Aaron, good, the paramedics are here, you’re gonna be okay,” you said as Emily stepped towards you, grabbing your arm and pulling you away from him.

When the ambulance started, they wouldn’t let you go with him. They needed all the space they could get, which made your heart stop.  As soon as he was out of your sight, you turned to Emily and sobbed in her arms. She held you tight, understanding. 

“Y/n?” Sean said. You blinked. 

“Will you tell Jessica? And tell her not to tell Jack yet?” 

You heard Sean sigh through the phone. “Yeah, I can do that. Let me know what happens.” 

“I’m sorry,” you said. 

“I’m sorry, too,” he said. “Love you, Y/n.” 

“Love you too, Sean. Stay safe. Call you soon. Bye.” 

Hanging up the phone, you let out a sigh. You spent a minute catching your breath. You wanted to be strong. You wanted to be so strong, and take this like a champ, and somehow know that everything was going to be okay because it had too, but it was so hard. It was so hard. 

But you found yourself back in the waiting room as the sun began to rise, slowly, and birds began chirping. It was a wonder that they could go on, and be so lovely, while you were in so much pain. The birds had not a care in the world. You longed to be a bird. The thought of your friend dying not a worry. The thought of your friend dying, alone, in a hospital room with strangers desperately trying to save him… not a worry. Oh, to be a bird. 

Garcia was in the room, as she had flown in as soon as possible. She hugged you tightly as soon as she saw you. 

“How are you holding up, dearest?” she asked you, to which you just shrugged. You and her sat beside each other, and you noticed her red-rimmed eyes. 

“Are you okay?” 

She nodded. “I’m just worried about Hotch, is all.” 

A doctor walked into the room. “Are you all here for Aaron Hotchner?” 

Simultaneously, you all stood. “Yes,” JJ said. 

The doctor gave a once over to the group, then said to JJ, “He’s alive,” (cue you nearly falling until Morgan grabbed your elbow) “but he’s asleep right now. We aren’t exactly sure when he’ll wake up, but it’ll probably be a few days.” 

The tension in the group immediately lightened, and you were the first one to say, “Can we see him?” 

“Yes,” she said. “Just don’t crowd the room.” 

[phoebehalliwell]

I’m a world where say, Prue and Cole were together and Paige and Leo were together, who would you pair with Phoebe and Piper?

I liked Mark but like would they have been able to save him? And Phoebe didn’t really have a lot of memorable love interests…maybe this would be an excuse to make Coop come in earlier?

I love your blog and your fics! They’re some of my favorites to re-read 💖

‼️‼️‼️‼️ ily 💞💕💞💕💞💕

but okay i think in a world where we go prue/cole paige/leo there’s not so much a need to save mark as he wouldn’t be used as a plot point so much as like just a straight love interest so we wouldn’t go dead man dating we could instead have someone who’s a mom of two young girls or something (because three is too on the nose) and kind of have the sisters have to work through their grief/trauma on that end while also having to save the day and then we could bring mark in on a seperate episode (or have him come in on that episode as like. the girl’s uncle or whatever kind of piper’s point of contact when guiding who i guess would be his sisters spirit like the human person piper talks to who kind of quickly realizes something afoot bc well he’s a smart guy and he and his sister were raised on these stories. so maybe something like that. and then you think it’s a one and done with a brief, fleeting connection but then all of a sudden him comes back in some type of professional capacity Do Not Ask Me How and now it’s like. dude who you don’t like work with but like kind of you do. but he knows you’re a witch. so piper has to devote some time to that because that’s just the woman she is. and then a couple episodes later mark himself is the innocent and it’s like just as he and piper might start getting close you know boom monster demon warlock attack something now his life’s in jeopardy and you know piper saves the day but mark almost died and mark’s like wow this is just kinda like how your life works huh? with demons and monsters and ghosts? and piper’s like haha yep it’s enough to scare about anyone away i think and mark says i’m not scared and they hold eye contact and then it seems like they’re about to kiss but then one of them chickens out because they’re endgame so we’ve got time to kill we have the luxury of making them wait. blah blah blah they’re together by the end of season 1.

OR since this au is a bit of an li swap what with prue/cole and paige/leo i think you know where i’m going with this one piper/kyle. But of course piper and kyle only work like. off a divorce or something something that really gets piper and Peak Cynic and a bit more stone cold because i can’t just drag kyle in in s1 a) he’s a bitch and b) he’s a dick and c) very much Not compatible with early seasons piper who is very trusting and forgiving and believes in second chances. meaning. what do i do? ladies n gentlemen,,,, piper/dan. and we start that season one by just having dan move in next door season one blah blah blah they’re cute they’re sweet they’re married by season 3 they have a daughter and a son (no wyatt and no chris tho bc dan is Not a whitelighter also their daughter would not be the twice blessed as again dan is Not a whitelighter so there’s no dark future thing going) but then in season 5 dan sacrifices himself (oh no 😓!) but then he comes back as a whitelighter (😃) but then like. he can’t be with piper anymore because he’s a whitelighter (😔) (paige and leo still haven’t gone full canon yet because of the rules they keep dancing around their emotions) but at least he’s not dead (🤗) psych he gets killed in season six by a darklighter (😯). teeing us up for piper/kyle s7 onward slowburn here’s the manifesto.

in regards to phoebe i feel like her and coop aren’t really ready yet to be endgame til at least s5 because before that i don’t think phoebe is like ready for undying eternal love like she’s just here for a good time so to keep her busy i think i’d probably flip it and reverse it go dex first in s1 a handsome charming artist a bit dull but who cares whoops pregnancy scare! yikes! kind of separate and don’t really see each other much after that because we’re still working with phoebe’s fear of commitment next up to bat in season two phoebe’s college arc is leslie instead of the kind of rivals to lovers thing they had going on in the workplace instead it is in academia where they are both studying psych and they are in constant competition with one another in fact we can even say this is where we start planting the seeds for advice columnist phoebe where the two of them actually host like a call in advice show on the local college radio and slowly fall in love there. but this all ends when they both graduate and leslie moves away and phoebe’s kind of hurt because that was the first guy she ever could have felt like potentially committing to. next up on the docket would be who jason? i feel we’re not ready for that. who does that leave me? note i am skipping drake in this reverse play because like prue/cole would still be too fresh we can’t do a casual demon romance yet because we’re still leaning in on the drama and fire and danger of a witch/demon romance to pull some shit like phoebe/drake. hmm. we could make up a guy land a pretty solid heartbreak on phoebe just to tee her up all that. because dex she wasn’t that into leslie she was but it was just fate that pulled them apart we need a third one to kinda solidify the fear that love is doomed. and then like in between we will be having one off dates. oh ooh bonus since paige is with leo we can give phoebe married norman reedus. that’s just a fun one. that’s just a fun lil kick in the shins. final guy pre coop to carry us into season for is ummm hmmmmm. miles and he dies. but this time we actually make miles fun and interesting and sexy and really just everything he wasn’t noah fence to the guy. hmm. miles jason dean fusion. shan’t elaborate. but something like that. and then s5 after being burned by love so many times here comes coop. add a couple more love interests as set ups by coop just to drag it out, and then phoop endgame.

[spaceskam]

From A Whisper To A Scream (4/10)

warnings: torture basically, sprinkle in a little trauma

1 | 2 | 3 |

ao3

“Alright, you got five seconds to come out of there.”

Michael froze, laying on the backseat of the broken-down ‘97 Audi. He was hoping if he stayed still enough, Sanders would forget he ever saw any kind of movement. Did he move? He couldn’t remember. He must’ve dozed off.

“Now, I ain’t about to tell you again. Get out of there.”

Michael closed his eyes and cursed under his breath. He’d been trying at the junkyard for a couple of weeks now with no problem. He knew it was too good to be true. Slowly, he sat up and made eye contact with Old Manes Sanders. He gestured for Michael to get out and Michael listened. 

“You gonna tell me why you’re in there at 7 in the morning or am I supposed to read your mind?” Sanders asked. Michael just stared straight ahead.

“I’ll leave, don’t worry about it,” Michael said. Sanders snorted a laugh.

“You ain’t goin’ nowhere until you tell me what’s goin’ on,” Sanders told him. Michael glared. At fifteen, he wasn’t as tall as Sanders, but he was nothing if not willing to overcompensate with anger. 

“I’m not telling you shit.”

“Don’t get snappy with me, boy,” Sanders said, “When’s the last time you ate?”

“Why the fuck do you care?” Michael snapped. Sanders took a deep breath, giving him a very unimpressed look. But it wasn’t pity either. That was the only thing keeping him from storming off.

“Look, you ain’t gotta tell me specifics, but, that home you’re supposed to be at, it’s so bad that you’re sleepin’ in the junkyard? Or is it you just feeling rebellious?” Sanders asked. Anger boiled beneath Michael’s skin at the insinuation that he was overreacting. Max did that stuff even when he was well-meaning. Just because he didn’t spill every tiny detail didn’t mean he was a liar.

Despite his better judgment, Michael pulled up his sleeve and showed the healing burn mark on his arm that had directly covered an older burn scar they put there before. Forever engraved with a cross, reminding him that he was a freak of nature when it came to these humans. But he wasn’t about to let Sanders drag him back.

“Come inside, eat somethin’ ‘cause you look like a sack of bones, and then we’re headin’ over to that house.”

“No!” Michael yelled, a little more desperation in his voice than he intended.

“We’re gonna head over there,” Sanders repeated, louder and firmer, “So you can get your shit. Then we’re gonna find your social worker and figure out what we need to do to make sure you stay out of places like that.”

“What?” Michael scoffed, “You don’t think they’re gonna just throw me somewhere else for running? Juvie, this time, probably.”

“Well, if things go like they should’ve gone damn near a decade ago now, you’ll stay with me and I ain’t gonna put up with the running away shit,” Sanders said. It shut Michael right up.

He didn’t understand what he was being told. It almost sounded like someone wanted to keep him around. 

“Why?” Michael asked cautiously.

Sanders sighed and looked everywhere but at him.

“Long time ago, I met a nice lady who took care of me like I was her own and she showed me where her own actually was. Made a promise I’d keep an eye out for him and I ain’t about to break it now,” he said, leaving out far too many details. Michael felt like he got punched in the gut and his head spun. He didn’t understand.

“Wait, does that mean you know‒” my mom, what I am, where I’m from, what I’m capable of, if I’m dangerous, “That I‒”

“You want breakfast or not?” Sanders asked gruffly, already walking away.

Michael ran after him.

-

Michael gasped back into consciousness and Eff stood over him with confused eyes and an acupuncture needle in his hand.

“What’d you see?” Eff asked.

“When my dad decided he was gonna adopt me,” Michael said. Eff made a face like that was disappointing, but he nodded and took a few steps back to record it in his notebook. Michael lifted a shaky hand to rub the nearly invisible hole on his left temple.

Apparently, aliens had very similarly placed pressure points to humans, but they did very different things. Provoking them could trigger powers or memories or any number of things that the brain could do in someone’s subconscious. It took them a few tries to find the exact point on Michael’s head to stab a needle into, but, when he found it, he was thrown back to being just a kid.

“Let’s test your telekinetic limit again, see if that affected it in any way,” Eff said, taking the gloves off and dropping the needle into a glass of some ambiguously clear substance to sterilize it. 

Michael stood to his feet, feeling a little dizzy from the memory. Eff gave him the space to do so and waited for him to get steady before they walked outside.

Eff’s workplace of choice was a small shed in the middle of nowhere. No one lived for miles in any direction and the only way someone could find it is if they knew where it was and they were willing to drive 45 minutes into the desert. It had a couch, a cot, a bathroom, and a kitchen area. Most of the shed, though, was covered in equipment to test on Michael.

It turns out, though, that everything got a lot less scary the more he was there. Yeah, Eff was still mean and he never let Michael truly forget that he didn’t see him as an equal, but, for the most part, it wasn’t that bad. Or at least he’d focused on the bright side. This was the first person who was allowing and actively encouraging Michael to explore things about himself that he’d never gotten the chance to. If this was his fate, it wasn’t the worst.

So what if it was slightly off his game and tired and hadn’t had nearly enough alone time with Alex. It was better than having none of those at all.

“Alright, lift the truck again,” Eff said, pulling out his stopwatch, “And I swear to God, if you drop it again, I’m going to kick your ass.”

Rolling his eyes, Michael held out his hand and focused. The 5,000lb truck was definitely a strain on his abilities, but it felt so nice. It was like an itch that he’d been waiting to scratch, a muscle being stretched, a lung filling with air. This was what he needed. Yesterday, he’d been able to hold it up for 45 seconds before he got a nosebleed and dropped it. Before the needle, he’d again only got to 45 seconds before he had to put it down to prevent dropping it again. No nosebleed.

Now, a little stretched out and a little more excited about what he could do, he fought through the shakiness and ignored the itchy feeling of an oncoming bloody nose. He breathed steadily and just focused. Eventually, though, he gave out and put the car down, dropping to his knees and catching his breath. He wiped his nose and caught his breath.

“One minute, seven seconds. Not bad,” Eff said. Michael smiled. “Now throw the ball.”

Michael took a few extra seconds to breathe before slowly getting back to his feet. He turned his attention to the steel ball that was somewhere around 100lbs, give or take. Michael breathed in deep before picking it up and hurling it as hard as his body would allow at a mat that was propped up 20 yards away that was only there to stop it from going too far.

“Only 35mph,” Eff said.

“You didn’t give me enough time to recover,” Michael argued.

“Doesn’t excuse your shitty number,” he said. Michael clenched his jaw. And he was almost doing good. “Get inside, we’re doing a few more pressure points.”

“Do you know when you’ll let me go home? I have homework,” Michael said, still staring out into the distance.

“Why are you doing homework still?” Eff scoffed.

Michael was about to ask why he wouldn’t, but then he remembered who he was talking to. Eff didn’t see a need because he didn’t think Michael would have a future.

He’d be the one personally making sure he didn’t.

-

Alex walked into the Crashdown with his eyes tied to his phone.

Ever since last Saturday had ended in him holding Michael all night, things had been a little weird. He couldn’t put his finger on it exactly, just that Michael’s mind wasn’t always with him. He wasn’t begging Alex to come over every night like he usually did, simply satisfied with making out in the back of the truck before Alex had to go home. Tuesday Alex had gone to his house to surprise him only to be told Michael wasn’t home. It’d caused so much embarrassment Alex refused to even drive in that direction unless Michael specifically asked ever again.

Alex didn’t want to push or assume or be that guy. Being with Michael was fun and nice, but there was clearly something going on with him and if he was having second thoughts about them, Alex wasn’t about to try and beg him to stay. Besides, it might not even be that. He might be embarrassed for breaking down or there might be a football thing Alex didn’t know about or any number of things. He didn’t know, he hadn’t really gotten the chance to ask. He wasn’t going to act like Michael was pulling away until he knew for sure. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t stare at his phone.

Good timing, too, because it rang.

“Hello, littlest brother,” Flint said loudly into the phone, clearly on speaker with the sound of a car running in the background. Alex smiled just as Arturo, the owner of the Crashdown, came up to take his order.

“Hey, give me one second,” he said, moving the phone to tell Arturo his order. He nodded and told him to tell Flint that he said hi. “Mr. Ortecho said hi.”

“Hello, Mr. Ortecho!” Flint said loud enough that Arturo heard it. He chuckled and walked back into the kitchen. “So, I got some good news.”

“What is it? You finally got that stick surgically removed from your ass?”

“I’m personally offended by that. I thought we were on the same team when it came to the stick being in Clay’s ass,” Flint said. Alex huffed a laugh. “No, but I’m coming into town soon.”

“Wait, for real?” Alex asked, excitement coursing through his system. As much as his brothers annoyed him and he thought Flint was just as lame for listening to their father, he loved them. He also loved not having to be alone with his dad all the time. “When?”

“I’m thinking Monday or Tuesday? Soon, I’ll keep you updated so we can make plans,” Flint said, “Gotta give some shit to Dad.”

“Okay, yeah, can’t wait,” Alex said.

“Tell me something fun, though, what’s going on with you? Anything new?” Flint asked.

Alex bit down on his lip and wondered if he should mention Michael. He wanted to. He never really came out to Flint, but he was pretty sure Flint knew and didn’t care. Either way, he wanted to share like he shared with Maria and Liz even if it was just because he wanted to say “hey look at this thing I got even though Dad said no”. Even though he was kind of unsure about where exactly they stood, this was still an achievement. This was still his. That counted.

“I’ve, uh,” he said, glancing around quickly. There was a table of cheerleaders from his school in the corner, but they were too far to hear. “I’ve kinda been talking to someone.”

“Oh, what? My baby brother is suddenly not such a baby?” Flint teased. Alex smiled and rolled his eyes.

“My not being a baby has nothing to do with having a relationship. I haven’t been a baby for a long time.”

“Yeah, okay, I’ll believe that one day, maybe,” Flint said, “So, tell me about them.”

“It’s not, like, super serious or anything,” Alex said, hesitating just a little as he considered if he was ready to officially come out via pronouns, “But… he’s really nice and smart and I like him a lot. I think you’d like him, he’s got the same rebellious-but-not-really vibe you do.”

“Oh, so you chose someone with the same vibe as me? Glad I showed you what good taste was,” Flint said. Alex laughed. When Arturo brought his tray over, he mouthed his thanks. “Well, is he making you happy? Does he know you have a brother who will kick his ass if he isn’t?”

“He does make me happy, yeah,” Alex promised, “But I’m not telling him your threats.”

“Fair enough,” he said, “Maybe I can tell him myself when I come to see you.”

Alex chewed on his lip for a second. “I don’t know, I’d have to ask him.”

“Well, do that. We’ll even go somewhere outside of Roswell if it makes you two feel a little better.”

“I’ll ask,” Alex repeated, “And, uh, thanks. For being cool.”

“You say that like I’m not the coolest person you know,” Flint said, “Alright, weirdo, I’ll let you eat. Call you later. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Alex put his phone down, feeling more confident that he had in a few days. He probably wasn’t actually going to ask Michael. Things were already a little weird and he didn’t want to press, so he’d probably just lie and say Michael wasn’t ready for all that. But, still, it was nice to know that Flint asked. He was interested.

It gave him enough confidence to text Michael first, deciding that it wasn’t too needy to reach out instead of waiting for Michael to do it. He sent a simple hey and then got to his food.

“Hey, Alex,” a sing-songy voice said. Alex looked towards it to see one of the cheerleaders. He furrowed his eyebrows, chewing slower as she sat on the stool beside him. She had never said a word to him before. He didn’t even know her name.

“Uh, hi?”

“Sorry if I’m bothering you, but I wanted to come talk to you. I mean, we’re friends, right?” she said. Alex felt like he was falling into a trap.

“I guess.”

“I just wanted to let you know that when you come to the games, you can sit up front with the rest of the guys’ girlfriends,” she said. Alex kept staring at her with a confused expression. “If you come, I mean. I haven’t seen you at any of the games before.”

“Why would I go to a football game?” Alex asked slowly. She smiled even wider.

“To watch Michael play, silly,” she said, “It’s a part of dating a football player.”

“I’m not dating a football player,” Alex said. And he wasn’t. Or, at least, not that she needed to know. He didn’t owe any of them that knowledge.

“Come on, you can tell me,” she pressed. He just stared. “I’m just letting you know that you’re welcome to sit by us. We can all gossip. We’d love to hear what it’s like to actually date Michael. He’s always been super interested in just really quiet hookups. I guess I can see why.”

“Yeah, well,” Alex said. He still couldn’t quite tell if she was making fun of him or not. The rest of the girls at the table weren’t laughing, but…

“You don’t have to,” she said, flashing the biggest smile it felt like he’d ever seen, “I just wanted you to know that we think it’s super cool we finally have a gay football player. We think you guys are just so cute.”

Alex wondered how many more times he could listen to people call Michael gay when they knew literally nothing about him before he lost it.

“How are we cute when we’re not together?” Alex asked. She rolled her eyes playfully.

“You know what I mean. The whole two separate looks, it’s perfect,” she said. Alex’s phone saved him by going off and Alex immediately gave it his attention.

Michael: i was just thinking about you where are you

Alex: Crashdown

Michael: room for 1 more?

Alex: For you? Always

Michael: 😍

“Is that Michael?” the girl asked, bringing him back to the conversation. He looked at her.

“Yeah,” he said honestly. He didn’t want to be rude. She wasn’t technically being rude. But, still, he wasn’t sure if she was or not. “Thanks for the offer, by the way, but I’m fine. You don’t have to sit with me.”

“Okay, okay,” she said, holding up her hands in surrender, “It was nice talking to you.”

“Mhm,” Alex hummed. He spared her a glance as she walked back to her friends and saw them giggling which wasn’t a good sign. He took a deep breath and tried to focus on his food.

Within the next couple minutes, the bell above the door dinged and a warm presence sat close beside Alex. He looked up to see Michael standing beside him. He had on a big smile despite the fact that his eyes had dark circles beneath them. It again had him questioning if something was actually going on and not just him questioning their relationship.

“Hey,” Alex said.

“Hey,” Michael said back, reaching over him to grab a fry from his tray.

“Get your own,” Alex said, unsuccessfully trying to stop him from shoving the fry into his mouth. Michael just smiled as he chewed and Alex was too charmed to be irritated. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“Me too, this week has been a lot,” Michael said softly, sitting down on the stool beside him and pulling it close, “But I wanna see you more. What are your plans tonight?”

“I gotta have the car back by 8, but I can sneak out if you wanna come get me,” Alex suggested. Michael nodded.

“Yeah, we can do that,” he said, reaching over to steal more of Alex’s fries. 

“Dude, do you want to order food?” Alex laughed. He shook his head.

“I’ll just eat yours.”

Alex rolled his eyes, but he didn’t argue. Instead, he stared at him as they ate. Not only did he have dark circles under his eyes, but he was also chewing slow and seeming to zone out just by sitting there. And Alex was beginning to really think that it had nothing to do with their relationship.

“Hey,” Alex said, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Michael said.

Alex considered just leaving it. But he left it last time and things had clearly not gotten any better. His eyes drifted over to the girls at the table, noticing that they were not-so-subtly watching them as if they were an exhibit in a zoo. He tried not to let it bother him as he leaned a little closer.

“Seriously, what’s going on? You’re worrying me,” Alex told him quietly. Michael made eye contact with him and gave him that little tiny smile that felt like it was only for him. Maybe it was. “Stop it, tell me. Are you sick or something? Is something going on?” 

“You are my favorite person in the whole world, Alex Manes,” he said. Alex tilted his head in that no-nonsense way that just made Michael smile wider. “I’ve been helping Max fix his car, sorry I didn’t really let you know. It’s been taking up my time. And it’s just been one of those weeks. I’m okay.”

“So you’re not just trying to get rid of me either?” Alex clarified. It was honestly relieving to see that it wasn’t anything too bad. Michael’s eyes widened a little bit.

“No, absolutely not. I want to see you more, this week has sucked without you,” he said, batting those eyelashes, “It’s really hard to sleep well without you anymore.”

“Mm, well, maybe I’ll help you get to some good sleep tonight,” Alex said, a suggestive tone in his voice. Michael grinned, his tongue pressing to the back of his teeth.

“Can I touch you in public or is that a no go?” Michael asked. Alex again found himself looking over to the cheerleaders. “No?”

“They were asking me about us earlier,” Alex said, “Told me I could sit with the other guys’ girlfriends and we could all gossip. And that we’re so cute.”

“I think we’re pretty cute,” Michael told him, still smiling. When Alex didn’t respond right away, it faded. “Were they bothering you?”

“No, I just…” Alex said, trying to find the right words. He didn’t have them. Instead, he thought about his conversation with Flint and how good that felt to just be. To talk and act like there was nothing to even think about. He wanted that. “Yeah, you can touch me.”

“You sure?” Michael said. Alex nodded.

“Nothing too extreme.”

“Obviously, that’s for later,” he said. Alex snorted, but let Michael just move closer and rest his head on his shoulder. He could feel the way his body immediately released some tension. 

He couldn’t wait to get him alone so he could remove the rest.

-

“Michael.”

“Nope, not talking about this with you.”

“Michael! This isn’t just about you! This affects us! Stop fucking avoiding us so you can do what you want!”

Michael sighed, bowing his head. He took a few deep breaths and opened his eyes slowly, looking at the engine he was working on. It helped to work with his hands. All the shit he was doing with Eff was too much with his mind and it was nice to just turn it off and use his hands. And, besides, this was the one day it seemed Eff had no interest in doing tests. He planned to just work on this car until Alex could come back over. 

But apparently, he had to still use his brain today.

“What do you want me to say?” Michael asked as he turned to face Max and Isobel. They both looked angry at him. Which was fair. He’d been avoiding them as much as possible. He didn’t want Eff to get any interest in them. They were going to have a future. They weren’t going to end up like him. 

And, besides, he should’ve known this was coming. People were talking about him and Alex. He had no drive to stop them. He had way bigger problems than people gossiping about his love life even if that meant having his siblings find out through someone else.

“Well, first off, why aren’t you talking to us? Did you think we wouldn’t notice?” Isobel asked.

“And are you actually dating Alex? Because what happens when something goes wrong? What happens when he gets hurt?” Max added.

“Or what happens when you get hurt?” Isobel said, “If he breaks up with you or realizes you’re lying to him? Because you are lying to him.”

“And don’t even think about telling him. This isn’t some small little thing, Michael, this is our lives.”

“You don’t think I know that?” Michael asked. He intended for it to have more bite than it actually did. He wanted to be angry with them, but it was hard when they weren’t wrong. Michael was stupid. It was how he ended up being the one caught by Eff. “Look, I’m being safe.”

“Michael,” Isobel said, stepping up to him. She had that concerned look in her eye that made it hard not to listen. “We don’t lie to each other, okay? That’s not something we can do when it’s just the three of us. We were there when you decided to join the football team and I helped you fake all your physicals, you remember? We’re not trying to hold you back. This is something extremely serious.”

“I know it is,” Michael said, “I just… I like him, Isobel. He makes me feel good. I don’t want to give that up just because I’m not human.”

“But we said‒”

“I know what we said,” Michael sighed, looking to Max and then back to Isobel before he closed his eyes, “But, I can promise you, it’s okay. We’re not toxic to them. Nothing has happened to Alex or the girls I’ve slept with. They’re all fine. We don’t have to be alone like this.”

They stared at him, unreadable expressions. He was anticipating them to yell at him and he was prepared to bury himself in a hole until he felt better. But they didn’t yell. They just stared.

“How long have you known?” Max asked. Michael took a deep breath.

“About two years,” he answered honestly. Max scoffed.

“So, what, I kept away from Liz for no reason?” he asked. Michael didn’t have the heart to tell him that he didn’t think he would’ve gone after Liz anyway. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Isobel wondered.

“I didn’t want you to be mad at me for breaking the deal,” Michael admitted, rubbing his eye, “I, I should’ve told you. A while ago. That wasn’t fair of me and I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for ignoring you, I’ve been stressed lately and I don’t want to affect you guys.”

“But you still didn’t have an answer for what happens when he realizes you’re lying to him. You can’t tell him what we are,” Max insisted. Michael immediately shook his head.

“I swear, I won’t. You two come first always.”

“Do we? Because It doesn’t sound like it.”

He swallowed harshly, closing his eyes. He thought about the other day when Eff had pricked him with that needle on his wrist and it had triggered waves of power that he couldn’t control that had sent him into a seizure-like state or when he pricked the one on his neck and that same power paralyzed him until he cried, both times immediately followed by Eff bringing him outside to test again. At the moment, it hadn’t seemed like it was that bad. He was still free and still had Alex. He still wouldn’t wish it onto Max and Isobel.

“Trust me,” Michael said, “You come first.”

“This is bullshit, Michael. You’re being stupid,” Max scolded.

“Max,” Isobel said, “Come on, this is good news, isn’t it? We can be normal.”

“Normal,” Max echoed, huffing a laugh, “I can never be normal."

"But, normal enough, right? College, wife, kids, white picket fence?" Michael pointed out, "You can have that. It's safe."

"Since when have you wanted that?" Max scoffed. And Michael didn't want that. It had always sounded boring. But with his current circumstances, that was an unachievable paradise. He wanted Max and Isobel to take it and run with it.

"I don't, but you guys do," he offered lamely.

"You really like Alex that much?" Isobel asked, "That you're finally telling us this?"

"Yeah, I do," Michael said. It wasn't a lie. He did like Alex that much. Just… it wasn't the entire reason. 

"And you're happy?"

Somehow, that felt like a trick question.

"Yes," he said.

"Then we're happy," Isobel said, "Shut up, Max."

Michael wished that was a sign everything would be that easy. That maybe when it came out that he lied to them again about something a million times worse that they wouldn't be angry. He just had to tell himself that.

But, later, when Alex came over again, he still found himself feeling wrong and off. He was wondering if he was always going to feel wrong and off for the rest of his life.

Alex, however, was a nice distraction from the bullshit. He was reading a book for class and Michael had wedged himself between his legs, his knees hooked over his shoulders and his head resting comfortably between his thighs. If he stayed right there, nothing could hurt him.

He breathed slow and closed his eyes, trying to convince himself that this was worth every single mistake. Alex's warm skin against his cheeks, the grounding presence of his feet on his stomach, his hand in his hair, the door and the window locked, and nothing but the sound of the AC and Alex turning pages filling his mind. This was the safest space in the world. He refused to believe differently.

Michael dozed in and out of consciousness, his mind drained and wanting sleep more than he was able to give. He was almost actually asleep until the sky decided to be a bitch and thunder loud enough to wake him up. He slowly dragged his eyes open, his fingers gliding over the unrealistically soft hair on his thigh. He pressed his nose into his skin, breathing him in. Then he pressed his lips there and reveled in the way Alex shifted a little in response. It wasn't until he parted his lips and carefully bit into the sweet skin of his inner thigh that Alex actually reacted. He tightened his legs around him, giving him a little squeeze that was way hotter than it was meant to be.

"Excuse you," Alex scolded, voice soft and a little deeper than usual as if he'd fallen asleep too. It made Michael smile. This really was safe. 

"It's right here in my face, what do you want from me? I only have so much self-control," Michael said. Alex chuckled, his hand taking through his curls before tugging a little.

He spread his legs wider and urged Michael up to move up. Michael complied, laying beside him and accepting the kiss he gave. He didn't want tomorrow to come. Tomorrow meant more Eff, more work, more stress. Today meant this.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Alex asked, "You can say no and I won't be mad even a little."

"What's up?" Michael asked. He couldn't imagine telling Alex no.

"You remember that brother I told you about? He's coming into town," Alex said, not really making eye contact. Michael hummed. "Would you wanna meet him?"

"You want me to meet your brother?" Michael asked. Alex shrugged and nodded.

"It could be fun. He said we could go somewhere outside of Roswell so it won't be too bad," Alex urged, "You can say no."

Michael stared at him and weighed his options. He didn't mind saying yes. If it was before he ran into Eff, he would've said yes in a heartbeat. But now things were a little different and he didn't want to make such important plans when he had no idea when he would steal him for the evening.

"Um, can I say yes but pull out if I need to?" Michael asked. Alex eyed him but nodded slowly. 

"You really can just say no."

"I want to go, though. Things have just been weird lately and something might come up. I'll let you know if it does, though," Michael said.

"Like what?" Alex asked.

"Like if Sanders needs me to help him or Isobel needs me to come get her. I'm surrounded by needy people lately and it's making it really hard for me to be needy towards you," Michael teased. Alex smiled and reached out, touching his cheek softly.

"Okay, whatever works," he said, "He just wants to meet you."

"And I want to meet him," Michael promised, "But, uh, does this mean you're my boyfriend? 'Cause this feels awfully official."

Alex grinned and rolled his eyes, pushing himself into Michael for a long kiss. Michael pulled him even closer.

It was the nicest yes he'd ever gotten.

[kayr0ss]

Appointments Chapter 5: Headaches and Some Music

[LWA, Diakko, Small Town AU, Fluff and Slow Romance, Pining™ lol]  

Chapter 1 & Table of Contents AO3 Link

Diana pursed her lips, locked in a heated stare-down against the newest occupant of her apartment.

“Please behave yourself until I return.”

The cat ‘mew’ed’ in reply as though he understood and resumed licking the back of his paw. All things considered, he seemed to be a surprisingly well-behaved cat. Who looked polite. This small comfort was enough to make up for the ridiculousness of having to talk to a cat, and Diana realized that she had never been more excited to return to her clinic as she was now.

The normalcy of work, she thought to herself, is beginning to feel like a comfort versus the absurdity of my home’s current state of affairs.

She stepped through her doorway into a lovely Blytonbury morning. The habitual glance towards her watch read 09:51, urging her to walk at a quicker pace than usual. She regrettably strode right by Jasminka’s café—there was no time to pass by tea, and she hadn’t woken up early enough to make some for herself that morning.

Of course, because of the cat.

The day prior, she’d had to return home later than usual to fetch her feline tenant the basic supplies: a small can of cat-food, a litterbox, and two bowls for food and milk. The real challenge was in the ‘teaching him not to leave any form of excrement where he shouldn’t.’ Pleasant behavior aside, it seemed Toby was actually quite intelligent—although by the time it was two o’clock in the morning, her NewTube suggestions were a peculiar mix of medical lectures and ‘How to Potty Train Your Cat’ videos.

She made her way through the crosswalk—ensuring that no brunettes were running about—and mentally prepared herself for the day she was about to have. There were no scheduled patients before lunch, giving her enough time to review case files for a busy afternoon.

When she stepped through the glass door to her clinic, Barbara was already lounging behind her desk and flipping—as usual—through a novel.

“Good morning,” she peaked out from behind ‘NightFall 12: The Oblivion of Love’. “You’re on the dot today.”

“I always am,” Diana replied lightly. “Good morning to you as well.”

“You’re always at least fifteen minutes early,” Barbara corrected, smiling kindly. Then the nurse leaned forward, scrutinizing Diana with an observant gaze. “You’re…”

The blonde lifted her eyebrow in silent response.

“Something.” Barbara said slowly, as if trying to figure a puzzle out. She waved a hand to dismiss the thought. “Must have been my imagination, just thought there was something off. Anyway, I’ve laid down the patient files for the afternoon. We’ve got ourselves a slow morning.”

“Thank you,” Diana nodded politely, slipping into her whitecoat and thankful that she didn’t have to explain the kind of morning (and evening) she’d had. She settled into her chair, entertaining the thought of going through the documents Barbara had prepared before deciding she wasn’t in the right headspace for that. A headache. Massing her temples, she ascribed her irritability at a lack of sleep and constant worrying over her furniture’s wellbeing. She inwardly cursed her lack of morning tea—and really hoped her furniture were okay.

Learning back with a sigh, her eyes drifted towards a pamphlet at the edge of her table. It was the St. Beatrix MMC residency brochure on Cardiology. She’d probably read its contents nearly ten times over by now. In truth, the hospital had already reached out to her: she was “everything they were looking for”, or so the chief resident had said—a young doctor with an impeccable educational background. Diana had been truly grateful, but she was committed to taking the time she’d need to be absolutely sure. Which she wasn’t. At least, not yet.

There was a knock on her door, and Barbara was peeking through the doorframe. “Water. And an aspirin. Because for some reason you look—uh.”

“Off?” Diana tilted her head.

“Like shit.” Barbara nodded, and Diana would have had something to say about her choice of language if it weren’t for the fact that she was probably right. “Did anything happen?”

“Just a few issues to iron over at home,” she replied cryptically.

Barbara looked like she wanted to ask more, but decided not to prod. “That won’t do. We’re having lunch over at the Russian lady’s and getting those croissants you love so much, but in the meantime drink that Advil because someone’s gotta look after the doctor looking after everyone else.”

Diana smiled and felt a wave of gratitude pour through her over Barbara’s thoughtfulness.

“Which reminds me,” the other woman set the items down to Diana’s desk, “the cat’s gone.”

The blonde immediately looked down at the suddenly-very-interesting-patient-files. “I—Indeed.”

“You know, I think I’ll actually miss him. He was kind of cute.”

Diana was ready to remind her of the importance of workplace cleanliness when the front bell chimed louder than usual. The glass pane of the door practically swung open with force.

“Heya, doc! And miss nurse!”

Oh.

Barbara was the first to recover. “Where did you fall in this time? Was it a ditch? Or did you fly off your bike again?”

Atsuko Kagari-with-blood-ty—Oh, enough of that! She’s just Akko!—had come barging in with a large paper bag, effectively elevating Diana’s headache through several numbers up the VNRS pain scale.

“I—” Akko shot the nurse a smug look “—have yet to experience an accident this week!”

“That’s a first,” Barbara crossed her arms.

“But I’m here for you!”

Those stunning red eyes locked themselves onto Diana, and suddenly she couldn’t speak. Me? The brunette strode into her office. She dropped the paper bag onto her desk.

“I’m not quite sure I follow. What is this?”

“Child support!”

Diana flinched. Barbara blinked. Akko simply nodded to herself in smug satisfaction.

“For Toby. Since we’re co-parents now.” Akko clarified, looking completely serious. “There’s a bunch of cat food that should last a while, a cute mouse squeaky toy, and animal milk.”

The blonde felt her ears redden at the incredulous look Barbara was giving her, and seriously—was this seriously happening right now? “C—Co-parents?”

“Yes.” Akko nodded with a determined glint in her eyes. “And I’m no deadbeat mom!”

“I—I see.”

“Anyway,” Akko took one of the pens from Diana’s stand without asking (“Don’t do that.”), and leaned over to write on the blank prescription pad on the blonde’s desk. “Here’s my number so you can text me about anything he needs and so we can arrange my visitation rights!”

Visitation rights?

“Oh.” Akko paused, lifting her thumb to her chin. “We probably need to schedule a trip to the vet and get him a collar, too.”

We?

Not knowing what else to say and still completely blindsided by Akko’s—well, everything—Diana simply complied. “I… know a veterinarian. He’s a childhood friend.”

“Perfect!” Akko beamed.

Once again, it was disarming. She really had to stop doing that to Diana.

“I’ve got to study for a test so I gotta bounce but I’m so excited to see him again!” Akko leaned across the table, moving around at a pace faster than Diana’s sleep-deprived-due-to-Toby’s mind could follow. The brunette wrapped her hand around her forearm and gave her another smile. It was warm. “But really—thank you Diana! I’ll see you around!”

She turned on her heel like the bundle of energy she was and bolted right out the door with a wave to Barbara.

Barbara—who looked right about ready to explode into laughter in the wake of Akko’s departure.

“You kept him.”

“Please don’t.” Diana pleaded.

The nurse finally caved, leaning against the doorframe to her office for support while she snickered. “That’s why you look completely out of it! You’ve got to tell me everything.”

But then the thudding sound of footsteps interrupted their conversation yet again and the door swung open. Poor thing. Might need to have its hinges checked at this point.

“I almost forgot!” Akko came bursting into the room like a cannon ball. “I got this on my way here for you!”

She slammed a paper take-out cup from Jasminka’s café onto Diana’s desk.

“I have no idea what it is to be honest.” Akko yelled, already rushing back out in a hurry. “I just asked Jas for a cup of whatever your usual is! Okay-bye-for-real!”

She was gone in a flash. Diana could smell tea.

English Breakfast, prepared exactly the way she liked it. The aroma was enough to chase away the tension along her brow, and when she glanced towards Barbara, who looked just as lost as she felt—

—they shared soft laughter.

The whole thing was absolutely ridiculous. Including the fact that her cup was labeled: ‘Dr. Grumpy >:(’

 ---

 It was 5:30PM and Akko was in despair.

“Chikusho! That was a disaster.” Akko banged her head against the lecture room desk. She was reeling from the mental assault that was ‘Applied Physics Examination 1.’ Judging by the scowl on Sucy’s usually nonchalant face, it hit her pretty hard too. “How’d you do?”

“Tanginang test ‘yan.” She glowered in her native language.

“I’m going to assume that was a string of curse words.”

“For once in your idiot life, you are correct.”

“Mou!” Akko huffed.

“I’m out.” Sucy declared, and likewise, every fiber in Akko’s being wanted to get the hell out of this classroom as soon as possible. The purple-haired girl lazily slung her bag over shoulder and looked down at Akko (who was still very much slumped over the desk) through one eye. “So are you coming or should I leave you behind?”

Akko groaned. And then sighed. And then groaned another time while pointing towards the podium because—“First I have to walk over there and ask if she wants to join the running club.”

“The professor?” Sucy blinked.

“Ya, dude.”

Then Sucy was grinning daggers. “I think I’m gonna stick by and see if she’ll actually murder you this time.”

“Not funny!” Akko pouted while finally standing up and cursing the fact that she can no longer exist as a worry-free blob on a desk.

“It is. A little. Now go.” Sucy prodded on, repeatedly poking at her arm.

“Going, going!”

While the students slowly filed out of the room—in despair, mind you—Akko approached Dr. Meridies with Sucy lingering a safe distance behind her.

The lilac-haired professor looked up from a test sheet she was inspecting, looking, as one would say, way too tired for this shit. “No amount of begging is going to convince me to pass you.”

“I wasn’t going to!” Akko crossed her arms defiantly.

“Then why are we having this conversation?”

Well. There wasn’t any other way for this to go down than directly, so it was best to just blurt it out. “Do you want to join the running club?”

Dr. Meridies reeled, squinting. “The running club?”

“Yes.” Akko nodded. “The running club.”

“So many people are asking me to join this running club that I think I’m gonna start declining just out of spite.”

“Ugh!” Akko groaned. “I tried—can’t force you! Maybe Professor du Nord can, Kami-sama, why did I even both—”

“Wait wait wait—” Dr. Meridies raised a hand to shut Akko while scowling. “du Nord?”

“Yeah,” Akko said looked to the side with slumped shoulders, “the club moderator. And I’m here cause Diana asked so now that I’ve done that I’m just gonna boun—”

Oddly enough, the exasperated professor seemed to have tuned out. “Chariot du Nord, from Humanities?”

“Uh, yeah.” The brunette blinked. “Do you know her?”

“O—Of course.” The older woman began stare so hard at the table she could have burned a hole through. “Faculty and all.”

Akko caught on like a wolf, grinning mischievously. “You know her!”

“Like I said we both teach—”

“You know know her.”

“Out!” Dr. Meridies barked, “of my classroom!”

With a devious glint, which Akko swore she could see in Sucy’s eyes too, she waved in exaggerated politeness and made her way to the door.

“Okay, professor!” Oh, she loved this sort of drama! “Just saying—it’s on Monday evenings!”

--

“You should have seen her face!” Akko squealed with almost manic glee. “Oh, Lotte you’re gonna love it—I know you’re a sucker for this kind of stuff.”

“But I can’t imagine it! How does Professor du Nord—” Lotte gestured towards her life with both hands for emphasis “—who seems super sweet and kind of introverted but is generally made of sunshine, find herself with a history of romantic involvement with someone like Dr. Meridies—” she made a quick jerking motion towards the right. “Who I haven’t actually seen in person, and if I were to base my judgments off your descriptions she sounds like some mad-scientist antagonist in an anime who’d wear a cape.”

Akko blinked. “That’s a good one.”

Sucy actually nodded.

“It makes no sense!” Lotte shook her head. And then… she swooned. “But love never does, does it?”

“Makes about as much as sense as this idiot getting that doctor to adopt the cat.”

“’The cat’ is named Toby!” Akko chided, “and you’d be hard-pressed to deny him if you’ve seen that cute little face of his.”

The three women were lazing about Lotte and Sucy’s living-and-dining area, with Akko sprawled across the couch that she’d be sleeping on since the pair—or just Lotte—invited her to stay over. There was take-out and beer (which Sucy and Akko had picked up on their way home), and the mini-get-together served two purposes: to recover from that horrid examination, and to keep Akko company because “tomorrow’s my first day of work and I am way too nervous to fall asleep without beer or Lotte nagging me to!”

There was something deeply comfortable about the small apartment. The furnishing didn’t match up and yet every piece felt like they belonged. Pots and pans hung above the stove, used yet well-maintained. They always had an extra set of everything—as though guests were welcome and often come and go. She loved it. And loved how welcome she felt in it. And though she’d never impose unless invited, Akko felt… cozy. Books, and mushrooms, and odd test-tubes, and literary manuscripts and all.

Lotte was in the middle of sharing the gist of her latest writing exercise when Akko felt her phone buzz.

“Hold on,” she excused herself, “I swear if this is a Canvas notification I’m gonna cut a bi—oh!”

“What is it?” Lotte asked.

-

18:53 Good evening. This Dr. Cavendish’s number – I’ve been able to secure an appointment with Dr. Hanbridge, the veterinarian I had mentioned. I apologize for the short notice but his soonest availability is tomorrow at around 1:30PM. Check-up aside, an agent in his clinic should likewise be able to assist with any documentation that needs sorting out given our arrangement. Your prompt response will be appreciated.

18:54 Heeeya Doc! 😊 u sound like an e-mail. :P

18:54 But sure lol I get off work @ Arcturus school around lunch time

18:55 Is it gonna be far?

18:55 But srsly lighten up abit it’s just me we can me at the bus stop or whrvr

18:56 I’ll be hailing a taxi service from my home and will collect you from your workplace at 12:30PM. Please be on time.

18:56 PLS add me on WhatsUpp through this number PLS omg I want pics of my little bby!!!! DO U FEED HIM and I can send you memes to show him so he’ll laugh LOL

18:56 LOL wtf ‘collect’

-

“It was Diana.”

Sucy cocked an eyebrow, “’Diana’?”

“I have a vet trip with Toby tomorrow!” Akko buzzed. “Oh bother, now I’m never going to get any sleep.”

“Is she for real?” Sucy indifferently pointed towards Akko while speaking to Lotte. “She’s like some ‘instant-friendship’ anomaly. Even I feel personally victimized.”

Lotte only smiled. “You have to sleep lest you subject poor children to a zombie for a teacher tomorrow.”

“That’s mean!”

Akko shared a laugh with Lotte, urging her to carry on with her story. They were getting to the good part—Edmund was about to confess!

One successful synopsis reading and a few topic changes later, Akko’s phone had buzzed once more.

It was a picture.

She squealed so hard her cheeks hurt.

“Akko, down! Yes—I see him—stop screaming or else I’m going to poison your drink.”

 -

 The driver pulled up at Arcturus School’s main driveway at exactly half-past noon.

“Please wait a moment.” Diana politely requested, mildly aware of the fact that she was beginning to miss the luxury of having her own car and service.

“Sure, just don’t leave me alone with that little fella, don’t matter how cute he might be.”

With a sigh—which was one of many at this point—she gently peered over to Toby whose head was poking out of the most comfortable canvas tote bag she could scavenge. It was that or nothing at all, and no, she wasn’t going to carry him in her arms.

‘Mew.’ He stared back up towards her. At least he seemed comfortable—and she tried to fight it but then she gave in and chuckled.

“Oh, come on then.”

Diana stepped out of the vehicle with Toby in tow. She pulled out her phone, putting a call through for the latest addition in her phonebook.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Typical. She wasn’t picking up.

Fortunately she had anticipated this, there was a half-hour allowance in her schedule. Instead of bombarding the brunette with several missed calls, she opted to walk towards what looked like the waiting area where children were fetched. She took a moment to look around, noticing that the school grounds had an abundance of trees—much like the rest of Blytonbury and the campus of LNU. The morning classes were dismissed and children ran about. A few of them began to notice her special baggage, and one little girl ran up to her and nearly hugged her legs.

She had hazel eyes, and big, goofy grin. “You’re so pretty!”

Diana blinked. “Thank you.”

“Is that a cat?”

“Yes.” She lowered the bag a little, appreciating the wonder in the little girl’s voice. “But I can’t let you pet him yet, I’m afraid. He still bites.”

“But I—”

The little girl was cut-off by the sounded children cheering. Diana followed her line of sight and saw…

Akko.

She was playing music. And laughing. But more than that—everyone around her was smiling just as bright. Children sang while they danced in a circle around her, clapping their hands to the beat of what sounded like a ridiculously complicated rendition of the ABCs on the violin. The pace was quick while she played a progression of eight and sixteenth notes. The feel of the song was less classical and more like an upbeat Celtic dance.

And dance they did. Laughing, and clapping, and bouncing around in mirth without a care in the world.

Akko played with such joy and passion that Diana could feel the warmth from several meters away. She kept still—already forgetting her earlier dismay on being behind schedule—and simply watched.

“Do you know her?” The little girl with hazel eyes asked in a small voice.

Diana nodded, smiling to herself while trying to wrap her head around the conundrum that was Atsuko Kagari—who had red eyes, who tripped over nothing and scraped her knee, who could barely make it to her classes on time and yet could bewitch a crowd with a smile and a bit of music.

“She’s…”  

Even Toby looked he was watching.

“…my friend.”

 -

end chapter

-

A/N: Hello everyone! Hope you're doing well, stayin' safe and staying home. So anyway here's another chapter and admittedly I only have a very rough outline of where I want this story to be and well... I like writing one shots because I'm REALLY bad at plotting out longer stuff like seriously, when I started this, I thought it would be 5 chapters long at most and yet here's chapter 5.

So I've decided to just go with it and take the time to explore and narrate the relationships/interactions I've got in my head AND I don't know anything about taking care of cats I AM SORRY IT PROBABLY SHOWS

Hope you're enjoying it so far! (AND I still owe Diana a happy birthday fic that may or may not involve feet due to some shenaginas I've seen on tumblr which I don't know if are jokes or not)

[bluepenguinstories]

Remoras Full Chapter XIV: Magna Mater

I wish I knew how to express my thoughts.

See, I’ve been restless as of late; the usual crowds I’ve come to expect at the airport had dissipated. For reasons that were unknown to me. It wasn’t like my workplace was a very popular one to begin with, far from it: no one (or I should say, very few) who showed up at the airport planned to stay in the area. They were either going to or coming from somewhere. Layover. In transit.

Maybe no one was going on any flights around the area. Sorry. That wasn’t really what I wanted to focus on, either. The restlessness was just a byproduct of not having as much work to do.

Was that what it was?

I found myself sprawled out on the hammock in the back of the airport. I stared at my phone and opened up Disarray, a chat app.

“Hmm...who have I talked to lately?”

There were a few names: Dennys, Kitten, Pien. I had met them on an LGBT server and the four of us became fast friends.

I cycled through the different chat windows, but decided not to message anyone. It had been a few days since either party last talked to each other, so I felt like if I were to start up a new conversation, it would be awkward.

But it was also awkward laying down in silence when it wasn’t even close to being evening. So I mustered up the courage and decided to type to my friend Dennys “hi”.

...And then I hit the backspace key and set my phone back down.

What was it about being alone with my thoughts that made me want to start up something, and then in the middle of starting, go back and erase my work?

Ray should have given me something to do. Or even Sunny. Either one of them could have texted me saying “we’ve got a flight booked for so and so.” I wouldn’t even have to see who I was flying. I’d fly them wherever, I’d serve them with a blindfold if I had to. I just wanted to be back in the air.

I wasn’t sure what had come over me. I couldn’t just chalk it up to restlessness or loneliness alone, as I was used to being alone and with long gaps between flights. There must have been other factors as well. I thought it over, something I already knew was a terrible thing to do.

When was the last time I saw or heard from either of them? About a month ago, right? When that girl came over and tricked me into taking her to New Hampshire? Oh shit.

Right. Those two were probably under a lot of grief. I mean, I guess I would be too, if I knew her better.

She said her name was Tony, but then Ray said it wasn’t. I guess Ray does know a Tony, though. So it’s not like there isn’t someone in the world named Tony. In fact, I think there are many people named Tony. So it’s not like I won’t run into one or two Tony’s one of these days.

There goes my thoughts again. The name isn’t the important part. The fact is, I was naive and fell for her trick, then she ran off. Over a week later, Sunny comes by and we go back. Then Sunny tells me that there’s a wildfire (really, I should have noticed what with all the smoke in the air. Sheesh, what world was I in at the time?) and that the girl had been caught in the middle of it. So yeah.

“It’s been a month,” I muttered as I put on a coat. “I wonder how Sunny’s been holding up. Ray too, for that matter.”

Truth be told, I still blamed myself, even thought Sunny told me I did nothing wrong. Never in my experience did I think I would contribute to someone’s death, indirect or otherwise. Which then led to the thought that maybe I had done so without my knowledge in the past. Oh, how I had a tendency to overthink. Or, to focus on the wrong thoughts. To let those thoughts drift and drift into topics far off from the things I wanted to focus on. How common it was.

Next to the coat was a pair of thermal gloves. Then boots. It wasn’t like I could just wear my typical flight attendant or pilot’s uniform, now could I? Not if I was going to walk several kilometers in the snow to check on my boss.

“How have you been holding up?” I planned to ask Ray. “How’s your restaurant doing?”

As I made my way out of the airport and into the outside world, I was hit by a strong gust of wind.

God, I hope there won’t be a blizzard.

Well, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if there was. As long as no one else was be caught up in it, I’d be fine.

“I’m used to this,” I told myself, but I knew better. Even the most seasoned of folks could face trouble if they weren’t well equipped. It was like how when I used to live in a city where it often rained and my mom would tell me to bring an umbrella and wear a jacket and I would sigh a theatrical sigh and huff and go, “I don’t need one. I’ll be fine.”

Of course, I got soaked. I’d come home all shivering and my clothes stuck to the rest of me. Didn’t stop me from forgetting to bring my umbrella.

It would be at least an hour before I would arrive at the diner. That meant I would be alone with my thoughts for a while. I could try to focus on the echoes of the wind, or listen for any wildlife, but I knew it wouldn’t do me much good. My mind would wander and I would daydream once more.

Focus on the environment. Focus on how the ground looks like mashed potatoes and how I’m just waiting for the gravy to come down. Wait. What is the gravy? Is it a metaphorical thing? Am I the gravy? No. I’m already doing it. OK. Focus on the destination.

“It’s the journey, not the destination” – That quote soon entered my thoughts. Makes me think of an adventure. When really it’s just going to see your boss. Still, what if Ray was like...a boss? Like the final boss of a game? Or the big bad of a fantasy novel. I think if I was in one of those, I’d want to be an elf. Maybe just for the pointy ears.

There was a great deal of things that sprung off from there and it took a while before I could bring myself back on solid ground. I wanted to go back and erase such thoughts, but then what would take its place? My mind seemed like an endless box of clutter sometime and no matter how much I tried to get rid of or give away the clutter, it kept piling up.

What would Sunny have said to that?

“Just go on an adventure and you won’t think so much!”

What I’m doing right now is the closest thing I’ve had to an adventure and here I am, thinking endlessly.

No. That wasn’t right. If I stretched the truth a little, if I could remember the right things and not focus on the irrelevant things, then the journey leading to meeting Sunny and Ray for the first time could have been considered an adventure in of itself. Maybe it would only be interesting to me, and no one else, but it would at least pass the time.

My earliest memory was of me arriving at the airport in Fairbanks, Alaska. Another chilly place. In some respects, my life wasn’t all that different than what it would eventually become. For starters, I was already a flight attendant, albeit, for a commercial airline. As in, I had to deal with obnoxious passengers on crowded flights. I’d go around with peanuts (and no, I wasn’t sure what the deal with them was) and soda and be all, “eat up, monsters!”

Okay, so, no. I didn’t say that. I couldn’t remember what I said, and I think I would have preferred to say something like that, but I was nice (on my good days). I’d carry around a big ol’ smile and play up a cutesy voice. I really wanted people to think of me as sweet and I thought that if I were nice enough with them, they would exchange the same courtesy. However, it didn’t take that long for me to crack, and it would sometimes be over the simplest of things.

“Thank you, sir,” some old lady would say after I handed her a cup of diet coke. My teeth would grind and most of the time I would ignore it or say, “you’re welcome.”

Sometimes however, it would play out like this:

“I’m not –” I would begin to say, but soon change my tune to. “Never mind. You’re welcome.”

I hated that. Yes, I knew that there was some universal experience (supposedly) that says “we don’t correct people,” but damn it, I felt like a coward when I wouldn’t speak up, and then I grew fearful when I would try. That was another thing: I didn’t even want to look back at those things, but those images and scenes would replay regardless. Why? Because my mind was more of an asshole than most passengers out there.

Yes, later, I would be more recognized for who I was and I would be much happier. Likewise, I was aware that most would rather not be reminded of such moments in their past. Not even I. But those things did happen, and they did affect me.

Whether such things happened the day I arrived in Fairbanks, I didn’t quite remember, but I remembered being rather exhausted. So as I waited for the flight back home, I sat next to the window and read a book about a warrior princess who fought dragons.

I found myself unable to finish the page I was on, so I skimmed down, set a bookmark in, and got up from my seat.

Rather than walk off to wander around the gift shops and kiosks, I became transfixed on the view outside; through the thickets of the trees, I thought I could see a fox scurry about. Snow fell from below and it wasn’t even winter. Outside of the pines and the fox, the land was a flat sheet of white. Ice as far as the eye could see (and even further, surely).

Yes, I must have thought. If I were to live anywhere, I would want to live here.

I couldn’t quite place why I was so enchanted by the view, which in hindsight, was rather minimal. One idea may have been that in the cold, empty space, what I thought I needed was a place to be alone. So it came to be that I would dream of a day where I could get lost in those trees, or burrow under the snow, and in the isolation, I would be at peace.

What shook me out from my dreamy ideals was one of my coworkers. If I tried hard, I could have remembered her name. Valerie, maybe? Macchiato? No. That was my favorite drink.

“Manager wants to see you,” she told me.

“Oh!” I jumped, startled.

“Daydreaming again?” She asked.

“Something like that,” I replied, then made my way to the manager’s office. All the while, thoughts cropped up of what it could have been about.

Did I do something wrong today? Did I snap at a passenger? I feel like I did everything right, but I’m not sure. I don’t remember everything that was in the employee manual and I thought I could just wing it. Ha. Wing it. Like wings of an airplane.

No. I don’t think I have anything to worry about. But if I did, what would I have to worry about? Guess I’ll find out. I could play a game of twenty questions on my way there. Ask myself all the things the manager could want to see me about. Oh, but that would be worse.

Ah, if there was one thing my thoughts were good for, it was to help me forget that my legs took me anywhere. I opened the door to the manager’s office, having how I even got there. Blame it on the jet lag.

“You wanted me?” I asked as trepidation seeped through each syllable.

“Hi. Yeah, have a seat, relax,” my manager motioned to the chair.

Ah, the seat of shame. Some days I wondered if there was a button that would send anyone who sat in that seat flying out into the atmosphere. Considering that I wanted to be a pilot, maybe the chair could eject me right into a pilot’s seat and I would have already had my license, and I could fly away, out into the atmosphere. Somewhere where everything could be still and silent.

“So what did you want me for?” I asked as I sat.

“Well, first off, some of the passengers said you were wonderful today, so whatever you did, keep it up.”

That was a surprise to me. ‘Whatever I did,’ I didn’t even remember what I did. As far as I could recall, I was on autopilot.

“Second, I’ve got a job offer for you,” he continued. “From a very wealthy man known as Mr. Chambers.”

“Is he here right now?” I asked.

Mr. Chambers. Sounds like Mr. Burns. Like an evil old man. And he’s wealthy, which pretty much seals the deal that I’m right to make such a comparison.

He shook his head. “No, his health isn’t the best. But he wanted to know if you were interested in working with him. He owns a private airline, and he’s willing to pay you much more than you’re making here.”

My heart faced turbulence. How was I supposed to react to such a thing?

“Why me?” I asked, choked up. “Why not Betty?” I didn’t remember if I had a coworker named Betty. My brain just filled in the gap, since none of my old coworkers’ names came to mind.

“I don’t know, to be honest. He said something about you giving off this air of innocence and reminding him of his lost love, Jeanne d’Eis.”

“Who?”

My manager shrugged. If that question couldn’t be answered, then…

“But me? Innocent?” I asked instead.

“Look, I never said he wasn’t eccentric, but this could be a good opportunity for you. Just think it over.”

Yeah. That I would do. Though I didn’t think I would. As much as I could use the money, the idea of working for a creepy old man got under my skin. Like a cockroach that decided to use my nostrils to hibernate for the winter.

Needless to say, I accepted the offer. Though not right away. When I took my flight back home (and I use the word “home” loosely; nothing against my mom, I’ve just always been distant around her, and I never really felt comfortable there. Still, it was where I was allowed to be, and it was where I slept, when I didn’t sleep on planes or in airports) I stayed a couple of days in my room.

“How was work?” She asked and I shrugged my shoulders, told her it was OK, then went into my room. There I had a desktop computer, an easel for drawing, two full bookshelves, and a bed filled with stuffed animals. Of course, I ignored all of those other items and fell back onto the bed.

“I wish I had boobs,” I said to myself and smiled. “Not too big, but just to say that I had them.”

You could say that I was a late bloomer. Very late. Being in my mid twenties, it seemed odd to say that they never developed, but...some things I just had to will into existence, and you could say that I was late to realize that I wanted boobs.

Of course, later I would have them, and I learned that they weren’t some perfect squish toys that were attached to you, but I was still glad when I got them, so my thoughts turned to them more often than not.

When it came time to go back to work, I remember how I stood against the door when after telling me bye, my mom added, “is this what you want to do for the rest of your life?”

Such a heavy question. That might have been the trouble I had with her: she could go from casual to heavy in the span of five seconds.

“Well, if I don’t live long, then yes,” I joked.

“Be serious. Wouldn’t you rather do something else?”

“I kind of want to get some poetry collections published,” I told her in earnest. Yes, I wrote poetry. They weren’t any good, but at the time I thought my life mirrored Sylvia Plath enough that I had potential (ha. Someone like me who couldn’t even get through a few courses in community college comparing herself to some misunderstood academic?)

“You can’t make a living off of that,” was my mom’s answer. Because of course it was. What else would she have said?

“I know. Well, I also want to be a pilot someday,” I told her. Again, serious.

“It takes money to get lessons, and you’re not very good at saving money. Not to mention, you have trouble keeping focus, and being a pilot requires a lot of concentration.”

In hindsight, I knew she just wanted me to think things through more, and maybe she thought she was being supportive. But with me, I didn’t want to hear anymore.

“Bye,” I told her.

It felt like whether I wished it to be or not, my life was defined by my mother. Worse yet, I sometimes got the feeling that I was just like her.

When I got back to the airport, I told my manager that I would accept the position. Almost immediately, my manager booked me a trip to the most remote part of the arctic. Within the hour of my arrival, I collapsed on the nearest couch, then when I awoke, I was directed to the office of one Mr. Chambers.

His office was a gloomy looking one filled with grotesque paintings of shadowy figures devouring smaller shadowy figures. There were bookshelves against the walls, but none of the books were ones I recognized. When I thought of someone rich, what came to mind was books on business, money, or something related to their profession. Like maybe books on aircrafts. In this case, however, each book was bound in yellow hardback covers and the titles were in a language I hadn’t seen before.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Cybele,” Mr. Chambers spoke in a frog-like croak. He was a balding, frail man. Bones that seemed to protrude from his skin and wrinkles layered upon layers of wrinkles, as if some sort of wrinkly birthday cake.

What would a birthday cake made of wrinkles taste like? Skin? Hmm...I don’t think I would want to try one of those. Maybe if it was just really fluffy to the point that it looked like wrinkles. Maybe it could be a carrot cake. That I like. More than actual carrots themselves, in fact.

“Nervous?” He asked.

“Oh! Maybe a little!” I was startled to find that I was still in his office. “First time and all. You know how that can be.”

“Ah, yes, so I do. I was innocent once,” he closed his eyes as he spoke, a slow, cracked whisper. I had to walk closer just to make out most of the words.

Innocent? Me? See, I’m still confused. I guess he’ll find out sooner or later that I’ve had a habit of swearing at customers.

“Um. Yes. Say, what language are those books in?” I asked him. Maybe I thought that in doing so, it would be less awkward.

“Carcosian,” he told me. “A long forgotten language from the long forgotten land of Carcosa.”

“Where is that?” I asked, like a fool, a complete dunce. Less the court jester and more the court clown car. If he said the land was forgotten, how would he know where that was?

“If my memory serves me, it resides in a space between Italy and France, and intersecting Ethiopia. When I lived a more innocent age, I visited there and engorged myself in its kingdom. There, I met a beautiful princess, the mademoiselle Jeanne d’Eis. Oh, how I loved Jeanne d’Eis. I would give anything to see her again, but every time I tell one of my associates that I wish to visit Carcosa, they tell me they haven’t found such a place.”

I blinked. As he told me about this place, I tried to imagine where that would be on a map, but I never was good with geography. One of my online friends, Kitten, lived in France. Maybe I could have asked the kitten where Carcosa was. If she even knew.

Then there was the matter of this person he said he loved. Jeanne d’Eis? She sounded like Jeanne d’Arc, which got me thinking, just how old was Mr. Chambers? Was he old enough to be alive when Jeanne d’Arc was?

Oh, stop that, Cybele! That would make him like 600 years old.

“So what is it that I’ll be doing here?” I mustered up the focus to ask him. In response, he leaned forward and said:

“There are several business partners of mine who fly to and from here. You will accompany them and treat them to exquisite meals and beverages. You will treat them well.”

I gulped. I found myself worried over possible implications.

“When you say treat them well…?”

“Converse. Compliment.”

“Ah,” I let out a sigh of relief.

“If anyone dares to touch you, I will have their hands chopped off and will sew their mouths shut. Rest assured. You will remain innocent.”

Well, as relieved as I was, the ‘innocent’ part still bugged me. Maybe it was the whole idea of purity or something, but it just struck me the wrong way. Especially with how far from the truth that was: I was a jelly bean bag full of flaws.

So that would become my life: I had no true home. When I would stop at an airport, I would rest there. The closest thing I had to one was the airport in which Mr. Chambers resided. When I would stay there, I slept in the break room in the back. There was a hammock set up, and although it could be noisy, and the creaking sounds frightened me, it wasn’t so bad. Really, it was the closest thing to a home that I had.

When I had downtime, I would write poems in my journal. One such poem went something like this:

“I am in ill-repair, yet functional.

A space which permits entry.

Though out of order, you may walk.

Yet you will never go anywhere.

In regards to the past

I am permitted no entry.

Up the stairwell is cracked pavement.

I’m still waiting for that universal experience.

Others claim it exists.

Even in progress, there is discomfort.

In a mix of joy and bewilderment, I wonder:

Have I been an impostor?”

Like I said, they weren’t that good, but at the time I thought I was one hot potato. Like fucking Shakespeare up in this ass, or something. Whatever it was I felt, those poems were the closest I could come to writing a journal entry. I just wasn’t good with being so direct or staying on a single topic. With a poem, I could be more concise, so it was easier to make a snapshot of what I was going through at the time.

So I got all caught up in my work. Then I would catch up on sleep. Time zones were always the trickiest thing, and I wanted so bad to just give up on the concept of time altogether. Then, there were the poems, which also blurred into work, and with my exhaustion, I started to grow less coherent. Case in point:

“Discombobulated sponge bootleg.

Blisters in the back of the boa constrictor.

Bitter taste of kitchen skins.

Saliva in the form of raw dust bunnies.”

Anyway, I’ve tortured myself enough with reciting the words to old poems. The point I wanted to make was that I forgot all about my dream to become a pilot. Then, it happened: Sunny and Ray.

I returned to the barren airport which I called home-adjacent (if it wasn’t a place to call home, then it could at least have been in the realm of it). Right away, I went up the stairs to Mr. Chambers’ office. Except when I got there, the scenery had changed.

The office was near empty. No creepy paintings which I had grown accustomed to. No books that I couldn’t even read if I was allowed to. All that remained was the desk and the swivel chair behind it. Next to the desk was a man in a pinstripe suit with a cane. Next to him was a woman who sat on top of the desk with a tank top on and was chugging down what looked like a bottle of whiskey.

“’Sup?” The woman asked as she leaned her head back. I didn’t know how to answer, but it was clear that my presence was now known. On the other hand, the man took off his glasses and began wiping them down with a cloth rather than acknowledge me.

“Who...who are you two?” My voice shook. “Where is Mr. Chambers?”

While I always found that old man to be creepy, at least I got used to his presence. But those two were unknown and I didn’t know what to make of them. I would soon find out, as the man approached me.

“Ah! Nice to meet you! You must be Cybele! I’ve heard so much about you, haven’t I, Sunny?” He turned back to the woman. She nodded with a grin.

“Sure have, Ray, my partner in crime and in life. And Cybele, I must say! You’re even more adorable than I imagined! I just wanna coddle you!” Sunny added. She sounded like she was joking around, yet at the same time, meant no malice.

“Thanks,” I replied. “But I’m still confused.”

“Oh, Cybele, you poor thing,” Ray spoke. He too, spoke with a mixture; his a combination of concern and trickery. “Mr. Chambers wasn’t who you thought he was. All this time, you’ve been working for someone and had no clue who they really were.”

Well, true, but I didn’t think that would ever be important.

“He changed his name to Mr. Chambers at an old age. Started getting all these ideas in his head about who he was. For months, I befriended him, got to know him a bit, and found out that this place he’s obsessed with? Carcosa? Yeah, it doesn’t exist. It comes from a short story. Fiction, too, mind you. But fiction can be fact enough. All I had to do was convince him that I knew where Carcosa was and he was ready to give up all of his assets to me. Which included his money, this airport, and his private plane. Which is now mine, by the way.”

That was all a lot to take in. Mostly that I would now be working for some crooked couple, but that wasn’t all that important, was it? I mean, rich people tend to be pretty crooked, too, so what did it all matter? Really, as long as I was up in the air, I could disregard every other detail. Even if my head was in the clouds, at least I could make the rest of me be as well.

“Hello?” Ray snapped his fingers in front of me. “Were you paying attention, Cybele? We scammed a billionaire out of his money and made him think he was about to reunite with his lost love. Hey Sunny, was this the first time we’ve stolen from a billionaire?”

Sunny cackled. “First time it was this easy.”

“Did you catch any of that, Cybele?”

“I...I…” I stuttered. “He said he was in love with Jeanne d’Eis.”

“Yeah,” Ray replied. “Jaundice. The man was in love with jaundice.”

Oh. Why hadn’t I seen that sooner? Why was I so ready to accept that he really knew someone by that name? Why didn’t I think to question many of the things Mr. Chambers said further? Oh, why did I bother to ask myself such things when it wasn’t even important anymore?

“Anyway,” Ray went on. “You can rest assured we’re not billionaires. Well, we would be, except we just gave away all his money to hundreds of other people. But don’t worry: you can stay. I always find ways to pay the people I hire.”

I couldn’t figure out what to make of the situation. I collapsed onto the floor and the last thing I heard was Sunny saying, “oh dear, the poor thing fainted.”

That was my first encounter with the scheming couple. Really, they turned out to be great people. Ray let me redesign the office any which way I liked. Instead of buying a proper bed, I just made it into a break room, while the old break room remained my bedroom. Even if I still didn’t sleep on a bed.

Sunny and Ray also funded my flying lessons, and it was thanks to them that I was able to get my pilot’s license. There was only one catch, and it was that Mr. Chambers’ Ray’s private aircraft already ran on autopilot. But it still required help for liftoff and landing. So it was a bit of a compromise.

Really, my life was full of compromises. Like how I managed to get boobs, but then they didn’t end up growing very big.

I recall a poem I had written being about how everything in my life thrived on trade-offs:

“To know ‘thyself’ is an important thing.

If I am a self I am one that is compromised.

My life is defined in the middle of a line;

How I wished to occupy that other side.

If only I could be defined by my own words.

Without it being an autobiography.”

Not my best work, but after years of just using it as a means of journaling, I’ve more or less accepted it as a hobby. My recollections would have to wait before I could paint a more perfect picture of the order of events; I had finally made it to the diner.

When I opened the door, I expected to see customers. Maybe Ray in the kitchen. Or Sunny over the counter, making small talk with Ray. Instead, the lobby was just as barren as the landscape outside of the diner. There were only two people, one of which wasn’t Ray: Sunny, and some tall, dark haired woman with glasses.

Before I could approach Sunny, this little kid with cheddar cheese looking hair ran up to me.

“HEY! WE GOT A CUSTOMER!” The kid yelled at the top of her lungs. I backed away. My ears rang, although they were already ringing before I entered the restaurant, due to the cold.

“Shit! Shit!” I heard a squeaky voice respond. From the back, I noticed the sound of a door open, and then my eyes turned citrus: it was the same wavy green haired girl who I thought had died. She too saw me, and was taken aback as well.

“Uh? Can someone else take her order?” She looked around. “No? No one? Just me?”

She then looked up at me. I wasn’t quite sure what to say, though I was relieved, at the very least.

“Look, I…” She began as she shuffled her feet and looked down at the floor. “I’ve been avoiding the airport so I wouldn’t have to see you, ‘cause I, uh...feel bad about what I did. So yeah. Like, sorry, and stuff.”

“I’m just glad you’re alive,” I told her.

Once I said that, her expression changed from nervous to excitement as her eyes widened and her voice elevated.

“Really? Wow! Then I’ll be sure to come by again in the future! After all, I’m bound to nearly die again!”

“Maybe dial it back again?” I suggested with nervous laughter. “Besides that, I’d be happy to see you around.”

Would I? Yes, I said that, but was I just saying it to be nice? Not that I thought there was anything wrong with her, aside from tricking me and nearly getting herself killed, that is. Then again, I don’t know the whole story so I’d rather hold back judgment. Like I said, I’m just glad to see her alive. But does that translate to wanting to be friends with someone? Well, not that it was ever suggested. Maybe friendly, yes. As part of my job.

I was reminded of a poem I once wrote:

“One day I told a friend:

‘I don’t mind if you consider yourself unforgivable.’

Followed up by another statement,

‘I will remain beside you.’

But that was a daydream, a hypothetical situation.

Of a friend who didn’t exist.

Of one I wish I had so I could forgive.

Or, if I could be that friend, against all rationale

was forgiven.”

I remembered showing Dennys the poem when I wrote it and his reply was, “it’s a little on the nose, tbh.”

That response was something I would have expected from Kitten, being as blunt as she was, but Dennys was more known for smoking blunts, not being blunt. In turn, I grew defensive and went, “on the nose? Really? You’re saying I suck, then?”

“Nah,” he typed. “But come on. Obvs you feel bad for leaving home and being all alone, but you don’t wanna say it.”

“Then how should I be less ‘on the nose’?” I replied.

“Just be direct,” he responded with. I was puzzled, if I was being honest, but in my defiance, I was like, “fine. How’s this for direct?” And typed up a ‘poem’ on the spot:

“I’m restless.

I feel guilty about leaving things behind.

I’m anxious. I’m trans.

I don’t feel bad about saying it.

I’m uncomfortable in most situations.

That has more to do with anxiety than being trans.

I’m happy.

Also lonely.

I have trouble staying on a single topic.

Also I had an egg salad sandwich for breakfast.”

Then, I sent it to him. His response?

“Dang, that was the best thing you’ve ever written.”

“Fuck you,” I replied. Though I had to admit, I laughed.

“No, really. You should submit it, to, like, a waffle place. They’d probs pin it on their wall.”

“What. Does. That. What?”

“Yeah. Like, I don’t know. I just had this killer waffle burrito with pecans and maple syrup and it banged. Like, all the way.”

That was as much as I could remember of the conversation, which sucked, because there were probably more important things that were said right after that. Anyway, the first poem, more so than the second, reminded me of the little troublemaker waitress.

“Um? You alright there?” The girl asked me and I jumped.

“Yes, sorry. I spaced out.”

“Cool. So anyway, you gonna order anything?”

I thought it over. I was hungry, but I wasn’t sure what I would want to eat.

“For now, just some hot chocolate would be nice,” I told her.

“Cool, cool. I’ll go tell the manager,” she replied, then ran off into the kitchen.

The manager? Does she mean Ray?

“Hey! Cybele! Come sit down!” Sunny called to me. If she hadn’t, I might have stood in place for hours on end.

I walked over and sat next to Sunny, right across from the serious looking dark haired woman.

“Atta girl! Now sit on my lap!” Sunny patted her knees.

“No thank you,” I muttered. That was Sunny’s vibe: so energetic, so carefree and full of life. But sometimes, just a little too doting for comfort.

Everyone else gave off a different vibe, though they all seemed like they fit in just fine. Me, on the other hand, I knew I was going to be out of place from the moment I stepped in.

This isn’t my domain.

“So what brings you here, Cybele?” Sunny asked, though my focus turned to the person seated across from her. What kind of conversations were they having before I entered? Did I interrupt something? Something important?

“Oh, nothing really,” I replied. “There just haven’t been many people at the airport, so I figured I’d stop by.”

“Well, it’s good to see you!”

Then, the serious looking one extended her hand to me. I shook it.

“Nice to meet you, Cybele. My name is Rae Morris. I’m an accountant.”

“Your hand is remarkably warm,” I remarked. I guess. Damn, how I regretted using the word ‘remarkably.’

“No. You’re mistaken. It’s quite cold, actually,” she let go.

“Oh yeah, huh. Maybe you’re right. I was just outside for a while so maybe my hands haven’t quite warmed up yet.”

“Indeed,” she smiled.

“So, an accountant, huh? What are you here for?” I hoped my questioning didn’t come off as rude. My intention was the opposite.

“Ray hired me to manage his finances.”

“Isn’t that usually the manager’s job?” I felt like I dug myself deeper, but to my surprise, she didn’t seem the least bit annoyed.

“The interim manager doesn’t know math,” she explained. That just left me with more questions.

“Interim manager? What happened to Ray?”

“Oh hun,” Sunny put her hand on my shoulder. I really wanted to ask her to let go. “Ray’s in the hospital right now. He had a bit of an injury.”

“Oh…” I didn’t know how to react. I felt my heart sink into my chest. “I hope he gets better.”

“He will! He’s recovering! He’ll be back in no time!” Sunny reassured me.

“Who’s the manager, then?” I asked, and before anyone else could answer me, the green haired girl came up to me and handed me a mug of hot cocoa.

“The manager said this one’s on the house,” she told me.

“Thanks, but, uh –”

“I’m the manager!” Out stormed the cheddar cheese haired girl.

I was taken aback. “This kid?” I pointed.

Sunny giggled. “Ray thought it would be funny to put Tigershark in charge.”

“Tigershark?”

“Me!” The manager slammed her palm into her chest and declared. “The tiger-est! The shark-est! The best chef in the world!”

Well, that sure was something. I took a sip of the hot cocoa and was blown away.

“Do I taste nutmeg? And cinnamon?”

“Yes!” She put her hands on her hips and grinned.

“It’s really good.”

“I’ll go tell the chef! Wait! That’s me!” Tigershark then began to laugh a bellyful as she walked away.

The waitress then turned to Rae.

“I’m still not used to seeing you around,” she sounded like she suspected Rae of something. “And I haven’t seen Remora in days.”

“But Demetria, that is Rem –” Sunny began before Rae interrupted her.

“That is remarkable, indeed, Sunny. While I have no idea where Demetria’s friend may be, I hope that you will see her again soon.”

So Demetria was the troublemaker. Got it. I was getting acclimated now, I could feel it.

“Still,” Rae continued. “It really is a shame what happened to Ray. I heard some bastard shot his hand over some dispute. Now, who would react in such a manner is beyond me, but people these days.”

“But wasn’t the one who shot him y –” Sunny replied, but was cut off once again by Rae.

“Yes, Yukon gold potatoes. That will really do a man in. They’re so delicious, I don’t think even I would be able to resist.”

Ray was shot by potatoes? Gee, just goes to show how little I know. Now that I think of it, Ray...Rae…

“You know, your name is really similar to –” And just like Sunny, I too was interrupted.

“Ray’s, yes. That’s probably why he hired me.”

Yeah, that did sound like Ray, all right. Then again, I was reminded of a couple years ago when Ray came up to me out of the blue. I was in the “office” hanging some model airplanes from the ceiling when Ray barged in.

“Cybele, you won’t believe this!”

Probably not, I thought. Considering it’s from you. But I’ll nod along.

“So some of the regulars at the diner have said that they’ve seen this person around who looks an awful lot like one Ms. Rhea Flection. Now, you’re probably wondering who this mysterious woman is –”

What am I doing right now? What could I be doing right now? Is listening to Ray an effective use of my time, were the thoughts running through my head as he rambled on about some mysterious lady that had nothing to do with me.

“– So even though it’s probably nothing, I have a good feeling about this. Imagine: me meeting a hired killer. What would the odds be, huh? Still, if by some miracle she did exist, think of how good she would be for my restaurant!”

Oh dear. This is jaundice all over again.

Maybe it was something to do with the location that made people all weird. First there was Mr. Chambers, then Ray. At least with Ray, it seemed like he had managed to settle down and I didn’t hear much more from him about this (probably fictional) lady.

“Actually,” I told Rae. “Now that I think of it, there was someone else with a similar name as you that Ray told me about.”

As I said that, I watched Rae clench her fists and grind her teeth. I thought that maybe I had struck a nerve, but then she smiled once more.

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” she said, which sounded like a threat, though I would have rather seen it as a compliment.

“What? Really?” Demetria leaned in. “Yeah, I guess so. But Remora’s still cuter.”

“Demetria, Rae is –” Sunny was once again interrupted.

“Really wondering who this other person Ray told you about,” I watched as Rae’s eyes locked on mine.

“Oh, well, that,” I got all nervous. “I can’t really remember. I think she might have been native here?”

“Ah. Well, that explains it, then. I’m not from here.”

“You’re not?” I was surprised. She did look like someone who could have lived in Nuuk. Maybe it was the dark brown hair.

“I’m from Denmark. I’m just visiting. Hence why I can’t stop shivering here.”

That explained it. I should have realized.

“Hey!” Demetria leaned over and reached her hand out. “Are those my glasses?!”

Rae swiped Demetria’s hand away.

“Yes. But I didn’t steal them. I had Tigershark take them from your room.”

Demetria stood stunned. “It’s all coming together now…” She muttered. “You know, I would be jealous that you called Cybele cute, but after meeting Hera, I don’t even want to think about the word jealousy.”

“Hera?” Rae asked.

“Oh, you didn’t miss anything. She was just some assassin, apparently. She said I could be a janitor, which I guess is like an assassin, but –”

“No,” Rae wouldn’t let her finish. Which came as no surprise to me, given she did the same with Sunny. “I think you’re capable of better than that.”

“I dunno,” I spoke up. “I think custodians go underappreciated.”

“Yes, which is why I think she should find a place where her talents won’t go unnoticed,” Rae replied.

“That’s not the kind of janitors I’m talking about! And I only want to be noticed by you!” Demetria protested. Or argued. I wasn’t sure which, and if I tried to figure out which word was more appropriate, I might have missed a whole other conversation. Even if I had no stake in the whole thing, I figured any conversation they had would be far more interesting than anything I could bring to the table.

“I still can’t get over the fact that your hair isn’t red anymore,” Demetria added, or maybe a new conversation had started. I couldn’t tell which. I didn’t think that I missed anything, but at the same time, I didn’t notice any segue into that.

“Really?” Rae smiled. “But this is closer to my natural hair color and I figured it was time for a change. You know, before I dyed it red, my hair used to be blue.”

“Is that important?”

Good question, Demetria. Was there any significance in making such a comment? None that I could tell. So in my mind, it was just “much ado about hair color.”

“I don’t know. Sunny, do you think that’s important?”

Sunny gave a thumbs up. “It’s only important if you want it to be, dear!”

“Then no. It’s not important.”

“But what IS important is hugging Cybele! Because she’s so precious!”

Sunny then leaned over and wrapped her arms around my stomach with such a tight force. I just about jumped out of my seat and yelped in shock. Needless to say, I wasn’t prepared for something like that.

“Actually…” I spoke up. “I don’t like it when you pat my head or my shoulder or hug me without warning. It makes me uncomfortable,” the words forced their way out of me and I thought I was about to burst into tears.

Sunny let go and sat back up. She blinked and everyone else fell silent. I looked around the room.

“I’m sorry,” I tried to do damage control for myself. Even though I wasn’t quite sure what damage there even was.

“No, it’s okay,” Sunny smiled wide. “I had no idea, but now I know, so I’m sorry that I’ve made you uncomfortable! And we can do other comfortable things instead, right? Like go on a girls night out?”

“Don’t do it,” Demetria whispered my way. “She’ll take you to a volcano and try to sacrifice you there.”

I gulped. Was that true? No, that didn’t seem right.

“What about you, Demetria?” Sunny directed her attention away from me. Good. The less focus there was on me, the better.

“Not unless Remora comes along so I can impress her!”

“That’s between you and Remora,” Rae shook her head and smiled. “I’m Rae right now.”

Right now? I wasn’t sure what she meant by that, but just hearing all four of them interact made me think of how quirky they all must have been. What fantastic lives they must have led. They really had that “main character” material. Even Rae.

But I on the other hand exhibited none of that.

There was that old saying, “everyone’s the main character of their own story,” but I never really saw myself that way. Whenever I thought about it, which I had ample time to do so, I couldn’t think of anything interesting about me. The closest thing might have been the interesting people who I met while daydreaming.

There was one day, several years back, when I lived in the city, and I had taken the subway train home. On one particular stop, an old lady got off and left behind a manila envelope. My instinct was to grab it, to try to run out and hand it to her, to tell her that she dropped it. But instead, I thought, “maybe she left it there on purpose? Maybe it has some secret documents that she wants people to find?” There was the possibility that if I were to open it, I would be thrust into a secret web full of conspiracy and espionage. I didn’t think I wanted that. So I ignored it and went home.

That was an odd memory to bring up, but it got me thinking about how often I was alone in that airport and if I really left any sort of impact on anyone.

“If I were to die, how long would it take someone to notice?” I blurted out. Without even thinking about it. Everyone else said nothing to that. Sunny had a worried expression, like maybe I was depressed or something, but I wasn’t. Rae responded:

“Not long. At first you think that no one really knows about you, right? But people start to notice after a while that you’re gone. So people begin to bring you up a lot more often in conversation, and everyone has all these little ideas about you. That said, if you wanted to go unnoticed, I don’t know what the best solution for that would be.”

Um. No. I didn’t expect such an answer. I didn’t even expect to say such a thing out loud.

“Sorry. I do want to be noticed. I just don’t really know where my head goes sometimes.”

That’s what I said, but I didn’t really like having the spotlight on me, either. Maybe there was a good way to describe being noticed without being noticed, but I didn’t know. All I knew is I kept making things uncomfortable for both me and everyone else.

I got up. It was too much to handle being there. Maybe I wasn’t in the right state to see others, and I had rushed it. “Thank you for the cocoa, and it was good to see you all. I’m going to head back now.”

Sunny got up behind me.

“Hey, it’s looking pretty bad out there. Wanna ride on my electric sled?”

That was a new one. I never knew she had one of those.

“Usually people have snowmobiles, but sure,” I let out a little laugh. “Why not?”

Well, I shrugged my shoulders and waved goodbye as Sunny brought out an electric sled and the two of us rode off. The whole trip back to the airport was a total rush. Maybe if nothing else, I could at least enjoy experiences like those.

[long-after-love]

Some personal ramblings on love/marriage

(This is actually a non-Beatles post, even though I relate this story to Lennon/McCartney, which is funny)

The other day, I learned something about my cousin. Thanks to anonymity I can tell everything here.

Let's just call him Steve and his wife Anna. An admirable, hard-working, very likable man. His wife is a beautiful and sweet lady whom I also have massive respect for. They have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. The boy inherits his dad's quick wit and his mom's fair complexion. The girl had her father's intense eyes and her mom's gentle charm. I have never known any family that looks so pretty and wholesome, they are the sort that you see in commercials – a bit too perfect to be true. 

Steve is never really close to me, but we are on great terms when we meet. Anna likes me as well. They used to invite me to join them on family trip when I was younger. I looked after the boy and the girl, so that they could have some private couple moments. Steve was openly sweet to his wife, and Anna held his hand all the time. The kids would run around me, laughing out loud at nothing as kids would. I felt like I was watching a movie.

And just recently, everybody in my extended family was shocked to find out that Steve had an illegitimate child that he has supported in secret for more than ten years now. His mistress could not compare with Anna in any way, and the most absurd thing was he wasn't even in love with her. Now everybody are asking, "Why, Steve? Why?" and I could imagine that even Steve was unable to explain it. 

Last week, I called my sister in Australia to ask about her current situation amidst Covid-19 and of course we talked about Steve's little scandal. Here I have to provide some background about her, and my family background. She is a single mom, and she is closer to Steve than anyone in my extended family. When she divorced her husband, my parents were so against it because they thought that she was selfish and the child needed a mom and a dad. My parents were old-fashioned that way – I think they were not wrong from where they stood, back when they had my sister and me. I never thought of my parents as a very loving couple. They rarely fought, but they had zero romantic vibe. I always had the impression that they stayed married because of me and my sister, not because they were in love.

I’ve realized that my mother and my father never ever taught me about sex, and as long as I could remember they’ve never shared the same bed. They did not even have a wedding photo. I guess it was because they were very poor and could not afford to take a photo of that day, but they didn’t even have couple photo either. They had to be with someone else in any photo al all: with me and my sister, or relatives, or in a group photo of friends and acquaintances. My father is a stern, quiet man and my mother is a nurturing, traditional woman. I could understand their love and their bond, but I can’t feel it. Their love was mutually built on their devotion to their kids, aka my sister and me, so to me it was a culmination of shared responsibility, understanding, appreciation, respect and most important, mutual sacrifice. I never saw any true moment of romance between them, I have never, ever seen my parents kissing ever. 

Love and sex in my household was a taboo subject – when I was younger my parents did not want me to have a boyfriend, and then when I got older they wanted me to get married and have kids as soon as possible. 

It sounds a bit ridiculous but I discovered love through The Beatles, and their songs were, in a way, painted my outlook for love. Of course, after all these years consuming other kinds of art I’ve established for myself a far more detailed concept of love, but it is The Beatles that gave me the rough idea. Some might say they were just four young lads singing pop songs about love just like every other pop song out there – I agree with them, at the time they did, and I am sure they didn’t think much about what they were writing – they only wanted to sound good and sell a few records after all. However, I don’t think they were fully aware of their extraordinary talent and their unprecedented influence at the time – such are the stuff that only those with the gift of hindsight like us can see. The Beatles would never know that decades later their songs still changed the life of a little girl in Vietnam for good. Loving The Beatles set me apart not just from my peers then when I was 12, and in a way, I alienated myself from my surrounding because of that. I started drifting away from my parents’ influence consciously (but of course on an unconscious level they still have their influence on me), and became an aberration – not just within the household, but also later on at school or in the workplace, however, I don’t consider being different means I am special, useful, or deserve anything better. Being different is just being different.

Back to the topic of my parents, perhaps my sister felt the same way as I do – we were living in a household where any discussion of love and sex was shadow banned after all. The nearest ideal we can look up to, was Steve’s family. They were the pinnacle of success and domestic bliss. However, before this scandal happened only my sister knew that everything was far from perfect – I happened to realize that she become Anna’s close friend after her divorce. And of course, she wasn’t so surprised about Steve’s illegitimate child at all. 

Through my sister I’ve learned about Steve and Anna’s story. 

Steve and Anna were classmates, and they had been dating for more than 7 years before the marriage. It was 7 years of an on-off relationship. I don’t know anything about Anna, but Steve, at one point, fell in love with another girl (let’s call her Sarah) and even proposed to her. Sarah’s parents did not approve their relationship because they much preferred Anna, and Steve’s parents were against the idea of having Sarah as daughter-in-law as well. Now I need to tell you that I’m from an Asian country where a woman doesn’t simply get married to her husband, she marries the family of her husband as well, so many women have to live with parent-in-laws. Steve’s and Sarah’s families are way too different and they could not stand each other. Due to fierce objections from both sides, they had to break up.

Sarah was still madly in love with Steve then, that even before the wedding she came to meet Anna, and asked her to let him go. My sister told me:

“Steve said that Sarah still saw him one week before the wedding. She told Anna that Steve loved her, and he nodded. It was the worst experience in his life -  having to confront these two women about his feelings. About four or three days later, Anna called Sarah’s parents, begged them to intervene. Sarah’s father had a terrifying meeting with Steve’s family, demanded Steve to break up with Sarah for good and never see her again, because he was supposed to marry Anna and Sarah, of course, would ultimately have to marry someone else as well. After getting married to Anna, Steve had fell into depression in 3 months. He could not sleep, he got up at 3 am just to sit on the roof and smoke or take a walk outside until he had to leave home for work. Finally he got himself together, because he could not just throw his life away – he was the only son of the family and his parents had so much hope in him (once again, where I live, parents valued their sons more than daughters, and women are but a lost cause – it’s an East Asian thing especially for countries being heavily influenced by Confucian’ philosophy). He put on a façade for nearly twenty years. It’s not that he didn’t love Anna – he loves Anna because she is the mother of his kids, he admires her effort and patience, her decision to stick with him despite all the things he did behind her back. He owes her a happy family. He acts out that kind of love publicly and proudly because that is what his conscience forced him to do. On the other hand there is always a vacuum inside him, he longs for the kind of love he had with Sarah and found the ghosts of it in his affairs. The illegitimate child was his accident, he have been quietly supporting the mom and the kid – however due to Covid-19 he cannot make as much money as he could and the financial support was dwindling. The woman was furious, so she decided to expose him. However, Anna still forgave her husband, as she did many times before in silence.” 

I asked my sister if she knew what Sarah was doing now. She said she didn’t know, but according to Steve, Sarah also got married about one month after his wedding. Perhaps that deepened his depression back then, he was shocked that she could find someone so quickly – however, that was the way it should be. He deleted her number, never contacted her again. He said he wouldn’t want the present to mess with the image of Sarah in his mind, and probably Sarah had done the same thing.

Now I’ve come to a point in my life, where I believe that anything can happen. I’m not too surprised that some weird shit happened, I’m just surprised that it happened under my nose. Even in my own relationship with my partner, sometimes I don’t understand what was going on without asking for other people’s different accounts on our relationship. There are so many things we could not tell each other, but from the outside, people could feel it. Then again there are things we want people to see, however true the opposite of them are. We did not lie when we were showing how in love we were, but we were not entirely genuine either.

It is never black and white. But of course, it is also never the perfect balance of black and white or an unanimous grey.

[prongsmydeer]

Ayesha Liveblogs One Tree Hill S1

No matter how many times I watch the pilot I consistently forget that Nathan and Peyton used to date

“Don’t bother showering tonight” is that really your come-on Peyton I will never understand sports

Lmao @ Nathan and Peyton “OTP: Distracted Driving”

“You’re despicable, you know that,” said Dan, a literal future murderer

I’m always so thrown when ppl in shows start drinking at their workplaces like what kind of bold behaviour Whitey you work at a high school

“What are you wasting your time at now?” Nathan ur a terrible boyfriend

“I say that the people who pray here are wasting their time. God doesn’t watch sports” I know Lucas is pretentious as all hell but this is my favourite line in any sports show ever

Karen is such a good mom ahhhhh like she just wants Lucas to be happy and she knows he’ll put other people’s happiness first 

Dan calling Lucas ‘this kid’ like he’s not his wholeass son what a dick

It’s not lost on me that Keith telling Lucas stories about his father means that it’s Lucas’s grandfather Keith Scott is truly the only dad in this show who matters

“So why’d you just tell me all that” because he loves to monologue

“If I could [change the fact that Lucas exists], I would” Dan answer your door I need to send you a very rude telegram

I am in love with Moira Kelly and also I want Karen to punch Dan

The music of this show is really.... transcendent 

Djhfkjhfkjh since Lucas is implied to have like, five friends.... is that crowd of supporters hugging him just a bunch of people who think Nathan is a dick

I admire Lucas for deciding he was gonna put up with all this bullshit to do something he loves

Omg I forgot that Brooke wasn’t in the pilot she’s such a major character

“Nice hands” “Nice legs” Emo flirting in a jock setting lmaooooo

My inner 2007 angst awakens every time I hear Gavin Degraw. He is THAT bitch

“You ever think I might want to talk” Peyton and Nathan’s relationship is truly nothing but blind horniness they have nothing in common at all in this juncture of their lives

“I didn’t invite you to come in, I just asked if you wanted to” Peyton is so weird but I kind of want to marry her. Is this what Lucas feels like

Lucas’s economic status is really part of Brooke’s romance criteria at the age of 17 they teach the bourgeois early huh

Oh my god I cannot BELIEVE Jake recommended Atlas Shrugged to Lucas jhjhgjhgjh the undertones of this basketball show really are about capitalism

HAHAHAH Nathan’s word being “revenge” calm down Sasuke Uchiha

I haven’t said so yet but Haley is so very endearing she’s great

God. Lucas turning around to reveal to Dan that he’s cast away his name. HE is that bitch

Ghjkghjkgh Keith hissing at the rude Boosters mum. Love of my life

“Maybe he’s gay” “No, I think he’s just nice” who writes this dumbass show

“Do you even care that it’s slipping away” maybe it’s because I went away for university but the idea that someone is this deeply invested in their kid’s high school basketball career is. A lot

Nathan simultaneously trying to bother Lucas and pass English while about to fall in love: I can multitask!!!

Update: He also managed to trash Lucas’s favourite basketball court somehow in all his business. He really can multitask!

“If it makes you feel any better I called some woman a bitch the other day” [giggle] I love Karen and Lucas’s relationship

Haley is such a good friend to Lucas and hoo boy Nathan when do you grow a conscience

“You’re both so broody. You could brood together” that’s it, that’s Peyton and Lucas

These emails and VCR references are really dating this show

Nathan is a straight up sociopath in these early eps my god he humiliates Lucas publicly twice at this party and just pops over to Haley like “Hey cutie :) Idk why Lucas is so mad :) I’m rlly nice :)”

Nathan really taking his girlfriend’s car to hit on another woman how much of a crapbag

As soon as I said this he (drunk?) drove her car into a streetlight my god 

Deb and Karen having a nice lesbian coffee shop AU would be a pleasant turn in this show instead of literally anything that happens in either of their narratives

“Why would you even go there” “Because I loved getting dumped on” That is... accurate

“I’ll call you when you’re not so PMS” said Nathan, when his (ex) girlfriend rightfully lambasted him for crashing her car

I take it back Peyton and Nathan do have one thing in common it’s their disregard for traffic laws

HELL YEAH Keith IS your dad Lucas <3 <3 <3 <3 

Whitey talks a lot of shit for someone who advised Dan to abandon Luke 

I had been wondering why Lucas had the Scott name when Dan is such an ephemeral piece of shit and I guess there’s my answer thanks Karen 

Does Haley ever find out about the shit Nathan pulled at the party I feel like these are relevant details in her budding affection

“Dad send you to spy on me? Poison my drink?” This is the second time in two episodes Deb has been accused of being Dan’s spy I wonder if she still considers that a red flag 17 years into marriage

“One of the boys doesn’t have a father” BUUUUURN Dan

Rhkgjhgjkh the last moment of this scene:

Keith: There is enough room in my heart for each of my brother’s mistreated sons even the rude ones Nathan

Nathan, experiencing a split second of paternal love: :O

Ghkjghkjgh the Scott bonding in hatred of Dan continues with Lucas asking Nathan if he too would like to spite Dan:

Lucas: You will be receiving your “I Hate Dan Scott” Club invitation in the mail shortly Nathan, mom, Uncle Keith and I hold meetings biweekly

Nathan: Biweekly as in every two weeks or twice a week 

Lucas: Both! See you on Tuesday

“Does this mean we’re dating” yes it does the mixed CD is emo code

“Good luck with your game” “yeah, you too, Ma” hehehehe

Someone revoke this college medic’s license hoo boy

Ghjghkgh Lucas keeping his money tucked into his boxers what a doofus

I can’t believe Nathan and Lucas’s second big bonding moment is threatening dudes while in their boxers after beating on each other what a brotherly bond lmao

Okay but highkey if ur a lady and ur friends are gonna leave you alone and vulnerable at night get new friends

“I can live without my shirt” Nathan is thirteen shades of petty lmaooo

Dan is such a bad (abusive) father that Nathan literally would prefer to have none at all my god 

“Can I tell you a secret? I pretended too” just get marrrried 

“Thanks for cutting Lucas some slack” talk about accepting the bare minimum Haley kjhgkjhgkj

Brooke is really unbearable in this episode is it any wonder her, Lucas and Peyton’s relationship is as dysfunctional as it will soon become 

Hoo boy the one (1) time Nathan doesn’t do something douchey and he gets blamed for it 

LMAO @ Lucas approaching the one girl at this school with commitment issues with a bold “I wanna be here [in your heart]” hahaha

“Yeah, they can have their world,” said Lucas to Haley, about the two people they would literally go on to marry

The fact that Peyton doesn’t turn off her webcam and just covers it also really speaks to the era

This Gabe dude is really ready to assault a minor like he’s not just a r*pist he’s also a predator double KO 

It is not lost upon me that it looks like one pill has been popped out before so he is also a serial r*pist big fucking yikes

“What, you got a cellphone too, dawg? Things sure have changed” also quite dated hahahaha

They really went out of the way to redeem Brooke not only did she give Nathan and Haley a very very cute date she also saved her friend from being assaulted

“So you don’t have any brothers, do you” jhgkhgkhg Brooke please 

“Why are you only nice to me when we’re alone” a very legitimate question Haley

Nathan’s dating methodology: There’s nothing in life that can’t be solved with make-outs

Deb is really so nice but every time I look at her I think of her drinking a lot and sleeping with Nathan’s friends lmao

Haha that North Carolina sign explains the mild Southern accents 

Aieeeeeeeeeee you kiss that man and follow your dreams Karen

Even if Nathan is still A Lot this season him and Haley are so cute:

Haley, smiling: We can’t do this here right now

Nathan, giggling: We just did

Lucas says more to Dan by constantly leaving with a look of disgust than any words ever could

“My heart’s racing too. That’s what happens when I’m around you. (And on drugs. I’m very unstable Haley.)”

Lucas and Nathan’s very intentional “pressure from your dad” and “you don’t know anything about my dad” bc Lucas will not acknowledge that Senor Crabag Sr. is anything resembling a father bless 

Drunk tattoos with crush’s bff Lucas has decided to make all mistakes at once and I respect it

Poor Keith he is trying his best but Lucas just chose this week to hit his rebellious phase

YESSSSSSSSSS DEB KICK THAT ASS OUT OF THIS HOUSE

“Do you really think that Nathan would choose you over me” uh???? Are you not aware you are... the worst father in town

Brooke you were fully aware of Peyton and Lucas’s vibing and actively pursued him/interfered so you have no moral high ground to be like “:) I’d never choose a boy over my friendship”

Skillz and Mouth accurate “hoo boy don’t look” when ur friends start PDA

“Mom doesn’t want things to get back to normal, she wants them to be better” hell yeah Nathan gaining emotional intelligence

Lucas quit projecting your childhood issues onto Jake he too is a child let him decide how he wants to live Jenny’s 6 months old not like she’s gonna remember lmao

Damn Nathan LET LOOSE on Dan fuck that dude

JGFHJGFJGFJH I forgot Gavin Degraw had a cameo hahahahah

Did Luke.......... break into Jake’s house. His parents work at night how was he able to get into Jake’s coffee table

“You do not have to feel like a third wheel” The pure dumbass energy.... Peyton is literally CRYING do u really think her issue is “third wheel” you KNOW she and Lucas had a thing Brooke???????

Me watching this team form a brotherly bond over their mutual love of basketball: Mayhaps sports are... good 

Hahahaha Lucas threatening Peyton’s dad with a rake is weirdly endearing

“Hey you.” “Hey you, and you,” is a good summary of this seasons Brooke/Lucas/Peyton dynamic lmao

Why is Dan’s head... shaped that away. It is like a bar of soap

“I don’t mind you playing ‘Daddy’ to one of my offspring, but leave the good one alone, will you?” Dan. Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot at midnight and we’ll have words

“The whole Nice Guy thing is wearing kind of thin” foreshadowing for all the dick moves Lucas is about to pull lmao

“He’s got you skipping school now?” “Lucas talk to me when you get your tattoo removed”

Lucas:

Lucas is such a meddler lmao how many family dynamics is he going to alter

I don’t trust Dan being nice for a minute all he wants is the upper hand with Deb in the inevitable custody battle over Nathan

Props to Nathan and Haley for somehow, some way, being the only normal couple on this show despite their incredibly dubious origins lmao

Scott family dinners are bananas I count four (4) major revelations and they haven’t even revealed that Deb and Dan are separated

Lucas and Peyton are really hitting every fictional couple trope in this ep - road trip, bed sharing, hurt/comfort, truly the YA bases 

“The truth? In this house?” Props to Deb for drama lmao 

Brooke saying ‘I love you’ you’ve been dating for like two episodes but okay kjhgkjhg

I can’t say I understand Nathan’s logic lmao but I guess they have to bring him back to basketball sometime

Wow Lucas zero hesitation on that second kiss lmao u r a mess

This scene is the definition of “that escalated quickly” they go straight to undressing 

HAHAHAH NATHAN BEING SHIRTLESS IN HALEY’S DREAM FOR NO REASON 10/10 TEENAGE ACCURACY

“How do you explain being with me and not her?” “Because with you, I saw a future” that’s Dan code for ‘I’m a gold digger’

You’re literally macking on Peyton in the middle of the hallway while you’re dating the other most popular girl in school Lucas how are you this ridiculous and bold BREAK UP WITH BROOKE U DUMBASS

“So what are we going to do” I’ll tell you what you should do BREAK UP WITH BROOKE

Keith it is still daylight out stop bringing alcohol into this high school you have a drinking problem

“Can’t control love, you know?” THAT’S NOT ADVICE LUCAS BREAK UP WITH BROOKE

I really can’t handle watching Keith and Lucas self-destruct this episode how is Nathan the only Scott in a happy, healthy relationship

“You know that this is... wrong, so that makes it feel... deeper?” Lucas asks, as if he were not entirely in the wrong by carrying on with Peyton (who is not in a relationship) while dating Brooke

“I don’t want to hurt Brooke,” he said, about to start his third secret cheating makeout session of the week

“But then again our spouses aren’t here are they” [Deb opens door] COMEDIC TIMING

Gjjhgkjhg Nathan revealing his messed up intentions with Haley entirely by accident Scotts have no self-control whatsoever it’s their kekkei genkai

Lucas evading responsibility for his romance crimes by literally dying

Hahahah Karen’s confused vibes at Brooke are kind of the highlight of this episode 

How funny would it be if Lucas woke up to Karen scolding him about his tattoo

Hahahaha for such dysfunctional partners Nathan and Peyton are excellent exes 

AHHHHHHHHH LUCAS WAKING UP TO HIS BROTHER... MY HEART

Keith rlly was gonna propose after zero (0) days of dating I’m telling you no self-control is truly the Scott clan kekkei genkai

Ahhhh bless Karen’s compassion 

Dan is literally blackmailing his son into staying in his custody he is in Deb’s words an “abusive son of a bitch”

Fucking finally Lucas ends this sham of a relationship with Brooke

It’s wild that Nathan is the only Scott with a happy and healthy romantic relationship 

Nathan divorcing his parents is a real power move 

I’m glad Haley announced Sheryl Crow’s name because let me tell you I would not have recognized her on sight

“How’s my daughter” Lucas really chooses exclusively to hook up with people who have devastating emotional consequences for his immediate friend group huh

“Funny I didn’t know you were forgiving at all” Lmao Peyton is that really the position you’re going to take after cheating with your best friend’s boyfriend 

All the deodorant product placement lmao ‘this ep sponsored by Secret’ 

All things considered I think Lucas is handling Haley’s constant ditching p well 

Bfhkghghjg Keith buying a new shirt just to go to dinner with Karen stop

OH MY GOD THE EP REALLY WAS SPONSORED BY SECRET IT’S GOT SECRET ON THE CHEER COMPETITION BANNERS AND A LITTLE GIFT BAG RANDOMLY IN ALL THE CHEERLEADER CONFRONTATIONS JKGHKJGH

The comedic timing of “hungover idiots” panning to Karen and Larry kills me

“She used to be this totally original.... Haley” what does this mean????

I don’t think Nathan and Haley are being entirely fair to Lucas bc he was only a dick once she ditched him twice (or thrice?) in one weekend 

This boy toy auction as a concept is so inappropriate on so many levels

“I get Nathan for free” Fhjkfhkfjh Haley pls

God I was so very concerned about whether or not Nathan and Peyton were gonna kiss 

“You’re not a mess, you’re just in love” [Ole Del Paso Girl voice] Why not both?

“She’s nine months old, just in case you forgot” to be fair I assume Nikki gave birth so she would remember that you can’t hold that one over her 

It must take Lucas some mental disconnect to assume Peyton and Nathan are cheating when he also kissed Haley

Fhjfhkjfhjfh Keith fulfilling my fave trope of ‘we are not even dating but how about we get married bc we’ve been repressed in love for years’

“You know I asked your mom to get an abortion,” said Dan, to his literal son

I really can’t figure where this pregnancy storyline is going bc I know Brooke doesn’t have a baby

Nathan and Haley really need to consider oral or smth there’s a middle ground between making out and having vaginal sex

“It all hurts just the same” Brooke really out here trying to say that cheating is in any way equivalent to faking a pregnancy (even if only for a week)

Peyton and Brooke are way more invested in each other than Lucas 

“I got you a high five” Hahahhaa I love Peyton 

Gary like: Wow Nathan it’s humanizing that your father is an abusive dick

“Maybe this is the one that changed him” Lucas joining Dan as the second and only non-Dan member of the Dan Scott Apologism Club

It’s wholly unreasonable that Haley expects her boyfriend not to look at p*rn lmao

I love all this Lucas and Nathan bonding but I hate that it comes at the cost of Dan being near them at all u stay away from those boys u manipulative fuck

Ah the foreshadowing about Peyton changing in front of her webcam finally pays off

I’m no legal expert but I don’t think that taking your daughter out of state will help you in the custody battle in the long term Jake - nor will dropping out of high school

“What do I get out of it” r u 4 real Keith u dont get payment for loving your family

“I’m leaving because I can’t look at you anymore without my heart breaking” I like you Keith but that sounds like a You Problem

This is a fun way to shoot this episode One Tree Hill has such good directing tbh

Nathan discarding the Scott name from his jersey just like Lucas did in ep 2: 

Haley: Having sex will solve all of my problems Nathan what are you talking about

I remembered that at some point Deb and Keith have sex and I’m glad they fuck things up early bc I could not deal if it was later on

“I’ll miss you too, little brother” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

KJKGHKJHGJHKJHGKJHKJ I CAN’T BELIEVE NATHAN AND HALEY GOT MARRIED JUST TO HAVE SEX THIS IS WHY THEY DON’T LET PEOPLE YOUNGER THAN 18 VOTE

[bucky-smiles]

The Beto O’Rourke Rally

So last night, I went to the Beto rally (if you didn’t see from the other two posts). And let me tell you, it was absolutely magical. 

I RSVPed to it last week and the anticipation of it all was KILLING ME throughout the week. I was going to go with my dad but my mom is a paranoid and wanted to come with so we brought her and my brother as well. 

Before we went to the rally, we went shopping and when we were running late, my dad was like ‘lol you aren’t going to get a good place to stand and it’s going to suck’

i shit you not i started crying that’s how invested i was in this,, also i was emotionally frail bc it’s that lovely time of the month but that’s aside the point 

but yeah we managed to get there about 15 minutes before the rally started so my mom, brother, and I got pretty close to the rope that divided the ‘blue wristband’ group from everyone else. Before crossing the rope, there was a heckler right next to my mom going off abt how the grassroot campaign was a sham and Jussie Smollet is a con and my poor mom got so scared I switched spots with her. 

The blue wristbands went to the first 500 people who RSVPed,, but you see,,, I was super nice and respectful to the lady who was guarding the rope and not letting people through,,, and she let me, my mom, AND my brother through because I used my ‘Please’, ‘Of course ma’am’, and ‘thank you ma’am’ throughout the time I chatted her up 

So now here I am w my mom and brother in the elite section RIGHT in front of the podium where Beto would stand. I made a few pseudofriends for the night that I chatted with who gave me a lot of suggestions and I had a lot of fun meeting new people. They were handing out American flags (I got two) and there were a couple of quick speeches before Beto came on in addition to a band playing. In between the speeches and the band there was a lot of Spanish music playing and it was really catchy and nice!!! 

For the sake of filling up the podium area, we were moved to where the “back” of the podium was (closer to the Capitol Building) and I was lowkey worried but one of my psuedofriends said that he moved around the podium a lot so all of a sudden it really didn’t matter. 

There were a bunch of people holding “Beto for America” and “Viva Beto” posters and my brother and I highkey wanted them so I asked the volunteers but they said they didn’t have any more to hand out which was sad.. But they were handing the Spanish and English one in pairs so I saw a couple of people with them and innocently asked if they had any spares (it’s all about that finesse yo),, I got three different Beto for America posters: One for me, one for my brother, and one for my mom (who was wearing her American flag in her beanie). 

There was a group of hecklers in a building right next to the podium. They were wearing MAGA hats, waving a Trump flag, and pretending to point guns at the audience (which was really fucking unsettling). But in retaliation, we just held up our Beto posters at them. My dad said that where he was standing, people were flipping the hecklers off and shouting “you suck!” at them. 

Before Beto came on stage, there were two quick student speeches. The girl from UT introduced Beto and everyone had their posters in the air screaming BETO BETO BETO and he came on in and I swear I was freaKING THE FUCK OUT !!! he is SUCH A MAN!!! 

He came on stage with his wife and they were there waving for a few minutes before his wife left the stage and he started talking and i swear i was so entranced by him. 

He talked about pretty much everything for 20-30 minutes. His main thing, I feel, is bringing rights to all minorities regardless of gender, class, orientation, religion, etc. After that, his priority is a green earth and after that, his priority is economics. He talked about legalizing marijuana, getting people who are in jail for non violent drug related crimes out, and expunging their records of it. He also talked about getting veterans the help they need after returning from the war. Additionally he talked about helping women with workplace discrimination and also wants to get the rich OUT of politics with their stakes, lobbies, etc. 

he also correlated Trump to the increase of hate in America and wow, tea 

After his rally was over, he did a round of the crowd around the podium. Initially I was thinking of following him around the podium but then decided that waiting closer towards the end was a better move so that I could like,, shake his hand at the minimum ,,, cause I’ve been such a supporter of his since the Senate elections and have hoping that he ran for President after he lost the senate 

so there he is, only a few feet away from me.. When he comes close enough, I say hello, shake his hands, tell “Hi you’re amazing! May I have a picture, please?” He said “Thank you! Of course!” And that’s why my face is like what it is in this picture,, he’s just so charismatic and kind,, 

There was a person next to me who was like, “Beto!! I pierced my ears with your face!!” and he was like “Wow that’s awesome!!!” 

Yeah I’m still shaking from the entire thing 

(tagging like two people bc ik they like beto as well @ilikepipecleanerswitheyes @bookofreid)

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds S07E05 “From Childhood’s Hour” review

Episode 05 – From Childhood’s Hour

Okey dokey, so I am officially scared because this title is giving me the creeps - I hate episodes revolving around abduction/torture/murder of children ... please tell me I’m wrong.

Let’s see what happens ... I think.

Oh my god, we’re meeting one of Rossi’s ex-wives! That is so fucking awesome! I’ve wanted to meet them for a while.

“Well, I’ve changed.���

He’s not eating fruit for the health of it, the last time I checked he’s a cigar-puffing, meat-loving Italian - just what the doctor ordered for this gal.

“Okay, the cantaloupe is for your benefit.”

“When we were married, you were always warning me about clogged arteries.”

“Nobody lives forever.”

“So how’s San Francisco?"

“You know, I’m really glad you called me.”

“It would be nice if we saw each other more than once every three or four years.”

“Well, there are all those serial killers. They’re pretty serious.”

“No, there isn’t.”

“How about you?”

“Damn it, I …”

“Look, how much longer are you gonna be in town?”

“Why don’t you come over to my place for dinner before you head back?”

“I still make a master cioppino.”

“Great.”

“Hey, I’m sorry I’m late. I got hung up on something.”

“What do we got?”

“A child abduction in St. Louis.”

“Yeah. Bobby Smith, nine years old, vanished 48 hours ago from a residential area, where his mother, Marlene Smith, claims to have dropped him off.”

“48 hours and we’re just learning about it now?”

“Yeah. That’s ‘cause mom didn’t know her son was gone.”

“She assumed that he was with the grandmother and just left him there.”

“So, she’s not exactly on the short list for mother of the year.”

Ooh, sarcastic JJ. We don’t get to see her that often.

“What about the father?”

“Uh, he was convicted of embezzling form his workplace two years ago. Currently cooling his heels in state prison.”

“If it’s a stranger abduction, the first 24 hours are critical. This kid’s already been missing twice that long.”

“Which is why we shouldn’t waste any more time. Let’s go.”

Edgar Allan Poe: “From childhood’s hour I have not been as others were, I have not seen as others saw.”

Okay, this dude is officially freaking me out. Edgar, baby, who hurt you?

“St. Louis.”

“Oh, probably a couple days.”

“I’ll let you know.”

“Can’t wait.”

“Bye.”

It’s so cute to see him so infatued with love.

“What?”

Busted.

“Nothing. Just somebody’s got a lot of extra pep in their step this morning, that’s all.”

“Probably doubled up on his vitamins.”

“Oh, he doubled up on something.”

Morgan, you little shit!

“Garcia, what have you got on the mother?”

“Oh, I have so much on the mother, and try as I might, none of it is good. Marlene Smith has a history of erratic behavior, seriously clinically depressed, two suicide attempts in the last five years.”

“Was she being treated for her depression?”

“Oh, my gosh, yes. Like more pill-popping than Elvis. Yes.”

“Depression is one of the few things that can overwhelm the maternal instinct.”

“What about the grandmother?”

“I don’t have anything on her yet, but don’t reach for your remote.”

“I’ll be ba-a-ck.”

She’s so cute.

“Two suicide attempts.”

“Why hasn’t child services intervened?”

“Probably talked her way out of it.”

“Most social service organizations are overworked and underfunded.”

“Things slip through the cracks.”

“If this boy’s mother tried to commit suicide and he’s from a chronically unhappy household, maybe this wasn’t an abduction at all.”

“What if Bobby simply ran away?”

“When nine-year-olds escape, they’re usually home for supper.”

Aww, he used the proper noun for the meal.

“JJ, you and I will talk to the mother.”

“Morgan and Reid, go to the boy’s house.”

“Prentiss, you and Dave assess the site where the mother claims to have dropped him off.”

“This is Agent Jareau.”

“How’s the mother doing?”

“I think you should talk to her alone.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll watch from here.”

“Mrs. Smith? I’m Agent Jareau. Jennifer. I’m with the FBI.”

“Our entire team is here and we’re the best at what we do.”

“We’re gonna need your help, okay?”

“I have a boy of my own. He’s almost three.”

“I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.”

“Can you tell me what happened the morning you dropped him off?”

“And what does one of your bad days look like?”

“Is that why you took him to his grandmother?”

“And you had done this in the past?”

“Cheerful.”

“Depression is a vicious cycle.”

“It frequently manifests itself in the degradation of one’s personal living environment, which is turn fuels the depression, which then worsens the living environment.”

“All right, I’ll take a look around in here.”

“Why don’t you check the kitchen?”

“Ah, the kitchen.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Frankly, I’m not too anxious to see the perishable food version of this room.”

Reid, you little sarcastic poodle! I love you so much!

“You didn’t call ahead before you dropped him off?”

“Please help me understand, Mrs. Smith. It takes ten seconds to leave a message.”

“Four pairs of shoes.”

“Why exactly is that relevant?”

“Come on, Reid, how many women you know only have four pairs of shoes in their closet?”

“My experience in and around women’s closets isn’t exactly extensive enough to really formulate an opinion.”

“The answer is none.”

“You can take my word for it.”

Oh my God, I am seriously starting to look forward to scenes with just the two of them. Oh my god, this is the best.

“Mom has serious financial issues, denies herself even the smallest luxury, and yet …”

“Splurges to take her son to an expensive theme park and then buys a pricey picture frame so he can remember the experience.”

“Based on our assessment, we need to reprioritize.”

“The concern for her son was genuine.”

“Her tone of voice, body language. She didn’t once ask if she was in trouble, under arrest, where’s my lawyer? None of that.”

“Home environment points the same direction.”

“The money’s tight, but mom did whatever she could to create a nice world for her son. Whatever cash she had she spent on him.”

“Only four pairs of shoes in her closet.”

Oh JJ’s look of ... what sort of woman has only four pair of shoes ... this one.

“And she taught her son to be self-sufficient.”

“The kitchen was scaled down to a nine-year-old’s level so he could microwave his own meals, get food and utensils from the pantry.”

“He even had his own little key ring so he could come and go as he pleased.”

“How it’d go?”

“It took a while, but grandma’s alibi checked out. She was with two lady friends in Seneca, other side of the state.”

“Acquaintances, relatives, teachers. So far they’ve all checked out.”

“This is starting to look more and more like a stranger abduction.”

“Yeah, except the area Bobby disappeared from has a decent amount of foot traffic.”

“If he’d put up a struggle, chances are someone would have noticed.”

“My guess is Bobby knew his abductor or trusted him.”

“The trip to grandma’s house was a spur-of-the-moment decision.”

“The unsub must have been staking out the mother’s house, saw them leaving, and followed.”

“Self-sufficient kids learnt to trust their own judgment.”

“How did the unsub get into Bobby’s life?”

“And what’s he trying to accomplish?”

“There’s something strange about the body.”

“She was slaughtered by someone completely out of control, yet on her wrists there are precise wounds on top of where she already cut herself, only deeper.”

“Like he was trying to replicate her suicide attempts but then lost control.”

“Maybe this was never about the kid at all, but about the mother.”

“Make her suffer for a few days by taking the child, then kill her?”

“It means he knew her personal history.”

“I’ll call Garcia.”

“Hey, baby girl, whatever you’re doing, drop it.”

“Oh, yes, and with pleasure.”

“Let me tell you something, sweetheart.”

“This is a Lamborghini you’re talking to.”

“You have to drive me.”

“You can’t just leave me parked in the garage collecting dust or I will wilt.”

“Please forgive my neglect.”

“I need you to rev up that fine-tuned Italian engine of yours, then.”

“Revving.”

“Our unsub had personal details about Marlene Smith, so I need you to figure out who might have been in her house recently.”

“Cable guy, plumber, people like that.”

“Yeah, I always wonder about plumbers.”

“You know they peek in your medicine cabinet.”

“You just know it.”

“Maybe try a phone repairman or babysitter.”

“Check computers in the house.”

“Maybe she used one of those techie fix-it type dweebs who make house calls.”

“Hey, watch it. Language.”

“You know I’m just playing with you, but come on, put a rush on it.’

“Clock’s ticking, okay?”

“Rush is the only speed a Lamborghini has.”

“Proud techie dweeb over and out. Beep beep ya.”

Another one.

Shit.

“Morgan and Reid, head over there.”

“Were you by yourself?”

“You told the police you live in McKinley Heights.”

“That’s almost an hour away.”

“You drove your son all the way out here to play?”

“Mrs. Tanner, please don’t take this the wrong way, but exactly what drug are you addicted to?”

“You’re displaying symptoms of withdrawal.”

“Ma’am, we saw two deals going down on the other side of the park when we arrived. You were here to buy, weren’t you?”

“That’s what had you distracted.”

“Your child is missing, Mrs. Tanner. Every minute, every half-minute counts.”

“You need to tell us the truth and you need to tell us now.”

“So we got one mom suicidal and the other addicted to drugs.”

“At least we got a pattern developing.”

“And if the unsub holds to pattern, he’s gonna circle back and try to kill her.”

“We’re looking for a male unsub in his mid- to late 20s, physically fit enough to subdue Marlene Smith and carry out a vicious and sustained attack.”

“We believe he sees himself as a rescuer, taking children away from unfit parents.”

“He may very well have abandonment issues from his own childhood.”

“The impulse nature of committing the murder out in the open suggests that he’s inexperienced.”

“The violence on Marlene Smith went from precision to frenzy, which points to someone with classic psychopathic traits, quick to rage and quick to recover.”

“He also appears to have insider knowledge of the families in these cases, so we need to look for someone who is privy to what went on behind those closed doors.”

“Emergency personnel were called to the Smith house after both suicide attempts and once to the Tanner house after the mother overdosed on prescription drugs."

“That means first responders, child service workers, ambulance personnel.”

“Both missing children apparently went without struggle or protest.”

“And we’ve taken the second mother into protective custody.”

“That’s why it’s critical we find these kids. If they’re alive, he may turn his violence against the children themselves.”

“We got lucky.”

“Whoever took him let him go.”

“Your son was checked out by a pediatrician. There was no sexual or physical abuse.”

“Did you see another little boy there?”

“Is he okay?”

“Good.”

“Were you in a dark place or did it have windows?”

“Okay.”

“So when he took you, did you drive in the car for a long time or a short time?”

“Can you tell us what the man looked like?”

“Timothy. When this man came to the park to get you, were you afraid?”

“Why not?”

“The phone. You talked to him on the telephone?”

“Can you show us?”

Fuck.

The fucking kids’ phone.

“Garcia, any progress with the 911 dispatcher?”

“I’m going as fast as I can, which is super fast.” 

“There are literally hundreds in the great St. Louis area. Can you help me narrow this down?”

“Refine your search to males between 25 and 30 years of age.”

“And our unsub probably has abandonment issues, so look for backgrounds to reflect that.”

“A history of foster care or someone who was farmed out to other relatives by own parents.”

“Can you trace individual 911 dispatchers based on calls they would have received?”

“Okay, look, let me make this clear. There are a quarter of a billion 911 calls annually.”

“That’s like ten calls every second of every day. And non-emergent calls are disposed of quickly.”

“Well, this operator would have been on duty when both calls came in from the Smith and Tanner families.”

“And he would have been off duty at the time of the two abductions and Marlene Smith’s murder.”

“Oh, my God. This brings needle in a haystack to a whole other dimension, but I will go to that dimension and I will cross-reference and I will call you back.”

“A mother who wants to kill herself. What does that say to a child?”

“That you’re not worth sticking around for?”

“A 911 operator would be why the kids trusted him.”

“The unsub must have gone back to the house to do some sort of follow-up on his own and they remembered his face.”

Hello?

“Rossi?”

“Did you hear me?”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Uh … Morgan and I were joking on the jet, but something is definitely up.”

“Is there anything you want to share?”

“It’s nothing that … I had breakfast with Carolyn the other morning.”

“Carolyn.’

“Oh!”

“Is that wife number four or five?”

“Look, let’s get our facts straight. I only had three wives.”

“I mean, that’s within the realm of reasonable.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. Which one was Carolyn?”

“Numero uno.”

“Use your words, Emily.”

“Uh … there’s always something about the first, in anything.”

“I don’t know, I might be way off here, but I think she’s putting some feelers out to see if that old spark is still there.”

“Is it?”

“I’m having her over to my house for dinner when I get back.”

“I’m crazy, right?”

“We don’t always get second chances in life, Rossi.”

“I say take the plunge, see where it goes.”

“Talk to me, mama.”

“First off, you are on restriction from my inner Lamborghini.”

“Garcia …”

She’s dead.

“I mean it. This high-performance engine may purr like a puma on the prowl, but this time, Derek, you have seriously overheated my engines and I will require some cool-down laps upon your return, if you know what I mean by that.”

“Baby girl, you’re on speaker.”

...

“I knew that.”

“I’m calling to tell you, sir, there are eleven 911 dispatchers in the greater St. Louis area that were on duty when the calls were placed but not working during the murder and abduction.”

“Of those eleven, there’s one that fist your profile …”

“George Kelling, age 27, 1181 Clay Street, apartment 8. Sending his picture right now.”

“You know where he is now?”

“He was scheduled to work today. His supervisor said he showed up for his shift, but then he left early.”

Duh.

“Can you get the log of all the calls he took tonight?”

“Yeah, of course. But there are a lot.”

“Skip to the last one.”

“Last one is a domestic disturbance at 788 4th Avenue, number C.”

“Attempted sexual assault of a young girl. Kelling dispatched the police and then he took off.”

“Let’s go.”

“Clear!”

“It’s clear!”

“The door’s open and the lights are on. The unsub beat us here.”

“What have you got?”

“Nothing. The place is empty.”

“If the unsub’s keeping the kids, he’s holding them someplace else.”

“What have you got, Garcia?”

Come on, baby girl.

“At ten years of age, George Kelling entered the foster care system and I don’t know why.”

“His father abandoned the family when he was a baby.”

“I can’t figure out what happened to mom yet.”

“All right, we need the address of the foster family he was placed with.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. He bounced around a lot. Give me a second, I’ll call you back.””

“Okay.”

“Okay, what I don’t understand is why would he keep Bobby but release Timothy?”

“If he wants to get rid of the parent, why not kill them first and then take the child. It’s so much riskier to wait.”

“Unless the children are a crucial part of his killing ritual.”

“How?”

“He needs something from them before he can murder the parents.”

“What could they possibly give him?”

“Their approval. That’s what he wants them to say. He’ll hurt her if she doesn’t, because that means she’s weak, too.”

“Déjà vu all over again.”

“So get this. George Kelling’s mom committed suicide when he was ten.”

“She jumped off a bridge.”

“Before that, she attempted to kill herself multiple times, cutting her wrists.”

“This sounds really familiar, huh?”

“Did you find the foster home address?”

“Those records are still sealed.’

“I got my crowbar out, I’m working on it.”

“The foster family lived on a farm ten miles northwest of the city on Parkhill Road. The rest of the team is gonna meet us there.”

“So what happened to the foster parents?”

“The father died years ago.”

Damn.

“The mother just died last month – heart attack.”

“That must have been the trigger. The last person who rescued the unsub was gone.”

“He assumed the mantel.”

“And now he suddenly has a house to take these kids to.”

“Wait. Garcia, you said the mother jumped off of a bridge, right?”

“Yeah. Why? What are you thinking?”

“Suicidology is an imperfect science, but it’s uncommon for women to kill themselves so violently.”

“For lack of a better word, they tend to choose more feminine ways to die.”

“Men shoot themselves, jump off buildings onto pavements.”

“Women are less messy. They take pills and drown themselves.”

“Reid and JJ and I will take the front.”

“The rest of you take the perimeter.”

“FBI. Put the gun down.”

“Drop the gun. Do it.”

“Like you were strong with your mother?”

“I don’t think so.”

Oh shit. He killed his mom? Damn.

“We need medical.”

Ernest Hemingway: “All things truly wicked start from an innocence.”

Jeez, Hemingway. What the fuck? Why you gotta be so glum?

“We got all the kids back safe. Think about it, Aaron. How often does that happen?”

“Not often enough.”

Word.

“How about ten pairs of shoes? I mean, that has to be enough, right? Ten?”

“Ah, Spence, it’s different with the ladies.”

“We need them to match our belts, our handbags, our skirts, and the fashions change with the seasons.”

“Yes. Boys are so boring.”

“Pants, shoes, out the door.”

I love you, Penelope!

“Although it’s not like men don’t have their things.”

“I dated a golfer once.”

“He had twelve putters in his closet.”

“But this conversation is reminding me I need new boots.”

“They’re having a sale at DeMille’s on those tall-shaft kitty heels. You like those. Do you want to go?”

“Yeah.”

“You getting all this, kid?”

“No.”

Oh my fucking god, he’s so cute!!!! And Reid, don’t feel bad. We, women, are complicated beings. You should never try to understand us.

Ooh, dinner in the  mansion with Rossi. Romantic.

“Done.”

“Sit down, relax.”

“You gotta love any dish that recommends the wearing of a bib.”

Really? Well, I guess it does mean you slurp like there’s no tomorrow and no one can judge you ... so I guess it makes perfect sense.

“You know, I don’t remember you as being a big wine drinker.”

She needs courage? For what?

“When did you ever need that with me?”

“You know, who would have thought that we’d find ourselves on a date again after all these years?”

He’s so fucking cute, taking Emily’s advice and being all hopeful and adorable.

“We joked we were the only couple that had both marriage and divorce vows.”

“Hey, what’s going on with you?”

“Carolyn …”

She has ALS. Fuck.

“Why didn’t you call me earlier? I could have …”

Oh my fucking god, poor Rossi.

So this episode was just the most awful fucking thing ever. How the fuck can you abduct children and then kill their mommies? And how the fuck can you kill your own? I would die before I had to do that. I am going to kill that motherfucker ... oh wait, he’s fictional. Shit.

At least he’s in fictional jail.

And then there’s the whole Carolyn sublot ... and here I was thinking this season was going to be a refresher one.

[cuteandtwisted]

Awkward word vomit alert. Had to get this out of my chest.

Things have been weird lately at work and I kind of wanted to write about it somewhere so here goes nothing. I’m not easily impressionable and/or impressed. I don’t blush around senior people and managers. I’m kind of confident and relaxed on the job and it kind of got me where I am today. A recruiter once told me that with my personality, I could get any job I wanted as long as I got to meet the person face to face. It was kind of flattering and kind of scary because I happen to have skills as well, very technical skills. But anyways. I didn’t want to be reduced to a girl who giggles in interviews. So I start my job knowing that I could be working anywhere. And nobody really intimidates me except for this one manager who isn’t even on my team. He was kind of a legend and everyone kind of feared him. I wasn’t sure I feared him because he always smiled at me in a goofy way, almost. And after a little while I realized that I simply admired him and his intellect and his control. In meetings, he was ruthless and relentless and simply brilliant, and it took me so much self-control not to bring both hands to my face and swoon. Intellect does it for me. It always has. And the thing about me is that I always want to be the best and rarely look up to anyone cause I’m a condescending bitch. But this man. This man I look up to. The way he’s so quiet and observant and could command the room without bullshitting his way there or raising his voice at all. He barely networks too, and never tries to kiss anyone’s ass which I find remarkable especially in my domain and workplace where everyone is just trying to be liked by everyone. I can’t for the life of me pretend to be someone I’m not for the sake of pleasing senior management. A girl who started around the same time as me does it all the time. And I can’t. She’s competent and really great at her job but she irks me so damn much, always trying to step on my toes but with a smile on her face. This man didn’t seem to be phased by her bullshit though. He liked me and my work ethic better even if I showed up in jeans and with bags under my eyes every day. Anyways. So this man ends up on one of my projects and it makes me nervous and I’m never nervous. I don’t want to disappoint him and I don’t want to be roasted by him. So I’m nervous. Someone stops by my desk to tell me that he was impressed by my work ethic and I blush like an idiot. Again, compliment my intellect and I’m gone. I’m a vain validation seeking idiot like that. So anyways, he’s in my meetings and he never roasts me. And later on when I’m relaxed enough around him, I joke about it and ask why. He answers that there’s nothing to roast. That my work is impeccable and that I make more sense than 99% of the floor. I blush again and I blabber and I’m a mess and I feel inadequate so I leave. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not attracted to this man. I am not in love with him. I’m in love with the me he thinks I am. And it’s too much. He’s married and he has kids and i barely walk by his office anymore. It’s too weird. I get called to an office one day with him and my actual boss, and I’m worried for a second that they found my ao3 account and finally figured out why I look like a zombie in the morning. They didn’t. There’s this big project everyone’s fighting over across our floor and it’s mine now. I can’t really believe it, but it’s true. They’re trusting a newbie with this big thing and my ego is about to burst. I’m so unbelievably happy and humbled. He stops by my desk and tells me that people will hate me for landing the project but that I shouldn’t let it get to me. “You deserve this.” He says. And I blush. Then I get to work. And he’s right. People hate me a little bit. The girl who started around me smiles wider at me, and it’s so fucking weird. I can tell that she hates me and I kind of like it. A week later, we’re at a happy hour event and he’s a bit drunk, his cheeks flushed. I’m dying inside. He tells me that he’s my biggest fan and that I remind him of himself. “You’re not full of shit. You’re smart. Your brain is structured like mine.” I’m half in love with his brain, so this is the highest compliment. I can’t even breathe. Trump happens and I have issues with my visa and this man and my boss go out of their way to make sure I keep my job and stay in the country. And honestly I've never felt so valued in my life. This is it. Anyways. Things are good and I start talking about this man to people around me. My friends, my parents, yada yada. My dad is shocked that I’m looking up to a man because he thinks feminists want to burn all men, and my mom is trying to figure out if I’m in love which is fucking stupid but anyways. A few weeks later, he quits and I’m devastated. He’s leaving in three months though for a smooth transition. He’s too vital. What the fuck, I almost yell in the middle of the team announcements. You know. He’s my mentor. He’s my biggest cheerleader. What am I gonna do without him here? He’s the only person I relate to here. I decide to stop being a child and go see him in his office the next day to congratulate him on his new job. He tells me he doesn’t have one. He’ll figure it out later. He just wants to take some time off to hang out with his kids and his wife more. My ovaries do a thing. It’s adorable. My dad never took time off from work to hang out with me. I almost have heart eyes. I really admire this man. Whatever. We chat a bit about or projects then he tells me that he’ll miss working with me and that I’m Incredible. I die again. Inside mostly because I have an amazing poker face. But I die nonetheless. This is the closest to infatuation I’ve been in ages. It feels so damn good. He says he’s my biggest fan, that I’ll have a long and successful career, and that he’ll keep checking in on me. It’s all just so good for my ego and stuff. I don’t even know how to explain it. But i almost feel my self-esteem getting boosted. Anyways, i leave his office with a grin and a blush high up my cheeks. I’m his biggest fan, too, I joke. But it’s not a joke.

The next day I find out he’s actually getting fired and that he’s not quitting. He slept with the girl who started around the same time I did. The one who wears heels and designer dresses and who asked me why I dress up like a lesbian on my first month, and then why i dress up like i’m going to a funeral the following ones. I hated her, but my empathetic pathetic self always rooted for her. I don’t know. I have a thing for female characters with complex bitchy personalities. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Yada yada. But she’s not a character. She’s a real person who slept with my favorite person in the world. My biggest fan. My self-esteem booster.

I’m honestly fucking crushed. I don’t even know how to react. I’m supposed to keep this to myself and not act differently towards either of them. And I do. I follow rules and instructions like that. I’m nice and dumb like that. But deep down, I’m crushed and feeling betrayed and it kind of sucks. Because I’m questioning every single thing now. It’s awful. Did he ever mean what he said to me? I mean he lied to my face about wanting to spend time with his wife and kids. So probably. Did he just want to get in my pants too? Probably not. I rarely dress up like a “lady”. I’m always in sneakers, always exhausted. I’m not skinny. I don’t have perfect long legs. I’m like 5 feet tall. Anyways. My self-esteem takes a hit and i feel like shit for caring about this when i could be caring about other things. I almost hate myself because it sounds like I’m jealous of her, like I wanted him to see me like that. I didn’t. I don’t. I’m confused and I space out at work. I don’t even know how I feel anymore and I’m distracted and jittery. I no longer think I’m a boss ass bitch. I’m just kind of sad and I feel betrayed and down, down, down.

Then I hear about how this isn’t the first time this has happened. About how 3 people filed sexual harassment reports against him. I’m dumbfounded. My jaw is on the floor. I can’t believe it. My skin is crawling. I want to cry. The man I looked up to. The man I related to. Did she file a report? No. she denied it apparently. Some people think she’s in love with him. I want to disappear.

People start talking shit about her, calling her names when she’s not around and when alcohol is involved. And I step up, defending her like my life depends on it. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s when dudes gather around and call some girl a “whore”. I hate it. And I’m right there. Dammit. I start feeling bad for her. Everything crumbles around her and I start hating him with all my heart. She’s not getting fired because she was wasted and it all happened in the office and someone else reported it. My heart breaks for her but she insists that nothing happened.

Most people at the company are convinced she seduced him and that she wanted it. She has a reputation throwing herself on men quite literally whenever she drank. I personally had to snatch her away from a few and carry her to her apartment once. Alcohol is not her friend but she just wants affection. I can tell. She curled around me in an uber once, completely trashed, her cheek on my bare shoulder, and I felt something. I hate myself. Anyways, she must be feeling the control slip away from her, because she makes sure to make little passive aggressive comments to me every day. Something about me being overworked and how she’s worried they’re making me inefficient. Something about me drinking Coke at lunch and how it’s not healthy. Something about how I lost weight. “Are you exercising?” Fuck. I loathe her. But I also love her and I want to protect her. I don’t understand my brain.

The Weinstein story breaks and I’m in my feelings all week. I read all testimonies and my heart is in my throat. It kills me in ways I didn’t know I could still be killed. I take a day off from work. I’ve never taken a day off from work.

He finds me in the pantry one morning and asks me why I don’t talk to him anymore. I shudder. My body just does this thing. It’s funny, but I fear him now. Like actually fear him. He’s terrifying to me now. Because I was half in love with him. And he’s the kind of person who will abuse you and you won’t even know it. He can convince you that you wanted it because he’s charming and smart and actually attractive. I hate him. I can’t look into his eyes. He notices. “You know,” is all he says. I nod and he leaves and that’s it.

I don’t think he’s a monster but maybe he is. Who knows. I’ve been doubting myself for weeks now because I realized I got all the validation I actually valued through him. And this has never happened to me before. Doubting myself like this. I realized that this man actually managed to break my self-esteem and to make dependent on his praise and validation. Like a dog. He had me on a leash. But I’m getting over it. I earned every bit of praise I got. I know it.

It’s funny how people never stop surprising you. I thought I could read people pretty well and I’m mostly right because I observe and listen. But this man was the first man I allowed myself to idolize, to put on a pedestal so to speak. My experiences with men have always been jarring in a way, and all of this made me realize that I’ve been projecting internalized misogyny. I wore sneakers and jeans to work not necessarily because I feel more comfortable in them, but because i somehow convinced myself that it made me superior to the girls who wore tight dresses and heels. Because I somehow convinced myself that I would get more respect this way and that I wouldn’t be sexualized and objectified. Goddammit. fuck me honestly. I was so shocked when I realized how backwards my thinking was. I love wearing tight dresses and heels. I fucking love it. I was just too busy blaming myself and justifying powerful men’s disgusting behavior. I was justifying sexual harassment and assault. Me! Someone who’s had a front row seat to the evils of human nature! What the hell.

I’m typing this cross-legged in my favorite black dress and my favorite pair of heels. I don’t dress like this all the time because sometimes I just wanna be in jeans. I’m working with the girl I both hate and love on something we have to deliver soon. She keeps rambling in her high pitched voice and I hate it. She’s trying very hard to convince me that she’s had a wonderful day. And although I know it’s a lie, I smile at her and pretend to be listening. I see the pain in her eyes. I really do. And i wonder what the hell she’s still doing here when everyone’s judging her so hard. I admire her, kinda. I don’t know. I both hate and love her.

She will never be my friend but I almost want to be hers. Because she might not realize it yet, but she’s been used and abused. And I want to be there for her when she realizes that if she ever does.

This word vomit started out like a love story gone wrong but it’s not. It’s a love story gone right. I’m no longer in love with the me he thought I was. I’m just in love with the me I know I can be. And you should be, too. People say I’m too naive and empathetic and that I haven’t seen enough “dark shit”. But i have. Oh god I have. My heart was torn right out of my chest and I’ve been so hurt, so incredibly hurt and abused. But I don’t want it to be my story. Sometimes “dark shit” just makes you kinder.

This isn’t my #MeToo story but I still wanted to get it out of my chest.

So yeah. Me, too. And her, too. And you, too. Stay strong, my darling 💛

[maelstrom3]

My last post got erased, so maybe that’s a good thing. It was just a rant about insecurity and stuff. Last night we went on a date and it was really good. We parked at her job and luckily she  knows the area so she  lead us to the sandwich shop. Right off the bat she was really energetic and friendly in a way that kind of reminded me of mom. The conversation was constant and there was laughing and whatnot. She’s a big loud laugher, which I like. I can’t tell if she’s being overly polite and laughing harder than she wants to but whatever it is it works. We chatted about a whole bunch of stuff, there was thunder she loves thunder and lightning too. She went on a trip to Kenya to help poor people but they sent her to a resort with John travolta? She went to West virginia for some volunteer thing. We picked up the sandwiches and it was funny because she placed the order under her name and I thought she had put it under my name haha. We walked to the reflecting pool. I talked a lot about my bad dating skills and awkward momements. I spent a lot of time telling her these things that might have been an overshare but she seemed really receptive to all of them and valued that I was being vulnerable. I don’t like that dynamic to be honest, I don’t want her to be my therapist. I’ll try and moderate that and make sure it’s all in the name of levity. It mostly was but perhaps a bit of it was more to defend myself and give reason to the ways that I am. Like prefacing a story with a statement. We went ot the reflecting pool and ate sitting on the stones next to it. THe summer rolls were a disaster to eat and we watched ants feast on the fallouts of mine. It was definitely not pretty, I was pretty hungry and not eating very politely but she laughed and enjoyed it. She asked me if I was an insect what insect I would be. I couldn’t come up with anything. It’s a hard questions, either because I don’t know myself, don’t want to describe myself accurately/only want to use positive descriptors, and/or the dificulty in ascribing qualities to bugs. She said I was a stick bug because I was... I can’t remember lol. Maybe I was cool or osmething, I really can’t remember. She asked me what I thought she was and she thought I was going to say ant but she was the opposite. I said jumping spider because she’s an individual. I guess to add on to it she’s energetic/lively and has personality and is likable. Maybe I tried to hard on it haha. I also didn’t want to be complimenting too hard. We finished up and were going back to her job to put the sandwiches in the fridge to get them later. We washed up and as we were leaving a spanish looking family were coming to the door and she let them in, they said they were there to clean and she let them in. I cracked a joke about not throwing my food in the fridge away because I wanted to break the tension of a couple coming out of a workplace after hours. She started to wonder if she just  let people in to rob the place haha. She texted Linda about it and apparently it was fine. We went to the Famished Frog/Caps and had cocktails. I had a raspberry gin blossom one and she had some blueberry lemonade thing. They were kind of awful and completely unmixed. The table was slippery anywhere water would touch because of residual soap. We talked for about 2.5 hours. She was telling me stories about Cooper/Collin from 4th grade (her first heartbreak and the say Collin found out nobody cared if he went missing). She asked me which character I was from Rick and Morty and described herself as Mr.Meseeks because she’s always trying to hard to help and make situations okay, her being loud, and existential dread hahahah. I was telling her when I had the epiphany from reading East of Eden of how these people from a different time and place had the same problems as me and she roasted me or discovering ‘empathy’ and the universal human experience. She told me a story of how in Ireland she was at an Air BnB with a lady named after some goddess, ends with ‘id’, and she kept finishing her tea to be polite and the lady kept refilling it, and the next day the lady made her three whole pots. I was beaming at her the whole time. She’s funny and smart and entertaining and thinks I tell stories funny and can laugh at herself and me and the people around us. I don’t have to be nervous about being myself because she’s magically on the same page.I think she’s attractive, but her mind is just a massive turn on. It makes me feel inadequate, like she’ll eventually find out I can’t keep up. But that hasn’t happened yet and it’s not helpful to worry about it. We left after the closed. I wanted ot kiss her at one point and grabbed her arm and leaned it but it just didn’t happen, she didn’t seem to catch it. Right as they were closing a girl standing by us slowly poured her drink out, then quietly dropped it to the group even though there was a garbage right by. Erin was quietly losing her shit at this ‘garbage person’. I guess that’s where I got confused, at some point she started to turn into Amara. Hilarious overflowing cauldron of sarcasm and resentment towards stupid people. Jesus christ that’s who I am too. We went ot he bathrooms and were in the Famished Frog when it was closed and empty and she said it was a childhood dream of hers. We left and she gave me a tour of the town. I held her hand and she made jokes about it and was weird about it- I asked if I wasn’t supposed to and if it wasn’t okay, I said I just wanted to it was just a feeling and she let me. She has really slender fingers. That lasted till she pointed out a stump that had hollowed and asked why it was hollow. I didn’t know where I stood and didn’t push it but I wanted to. I walked closely and let my hand be there and available just incase but we didn’t hold hands for the rest of the night. I can’t tell if she’s not affectionate or just wasn’t at the same place as me. I would grab and touch her periodically, I did the hug from behind thing. She didn’t resist but she didn’t reciprocate. We walked and talked more and eventually got back to the cars. We went inside her office and chatted briefly. Its a really nice office. We went to the back and sat in her trunk and watched people through the windows and talked. It had ebbs and flows, she asked me what my favorite part of the date was... I can’t remember what I said. Maybe the girl pouring out her drink. I told her a lot of times I was having a really good time. I don’t know if that played in my favor but I was emotionally open throughout the night. She's hard to read. She got onto a thing about how she hates morristown and were joking about it being awful, it really reminded me of Amara. In the light she started to look like who she looked in her Bumble profile. I said something about how I don’t know how she looks. I like her face. She texted me later making fun of me for saying I didn’t know what she looked like. Maybe this is all the dynamic, she’s emotionally guarded and I’m the one who is open and vulnerable.  Eventually she said we should get going and I told her my least favorite part of the date was when I tried to kiss her and it didn’t happen. She said she didn’t realize and I think I sort of asked if we could kiss. Something weird happened and she like moved out of the way, kind of like Lauren. I walked away dramatically about how I’m cursed and came back to her and this time I fucked it up and dodged her kiss and she gave me shit and then we finally kissed. Like moths bumping into  a light bulb haha. It was  nice, it’s weird how you can’t describe how to french kiss but you know how to do it. I gave her shit for still holding onto her stuff and she immediately dropped everything to the floor and like really kissed me. Like a really grabbing kiss. We talke very briefly afterwards and she gave me the song ‘Holocene’ to listen to, I wanted her to listen to I WIsh You Were Here. I had played the song Echo briefly before. I drove home and wasn’t totalyl sure where I stood honestly but I had asked her what her favorite part of the date was and she said all of it. The whole date was a good feeling. It was fun and she made me feel good. She said she would go on a second date so we have to figure that out. I’m trying to figure out how much to text and communicate, she has been unresponsive for some time but  honestly the texting thing is annoyin. Liek do you have to have a running conversation the whole day? WHADYA SUPPOSED TO DO? I’m leaving now to go to a barbeque at Andrews neighbors, Kara should be there. It’s ironic I’m meeting her after having gone on a date with Erin. I’ll go just to make the connection but I hope things work out with Erin, I’m kind of smitten.

[halvatir]

Hello mizu! Its okay if you're too busy/don't want to do it but could you do the more detailed character ask for flanel and randel? Curious anon here, have a good day!

hey there anon, hoping you’re having a good day too ( ᐛ )و - are you talking about this ask??? i’m not sure what you’re talking about but bless these kinds of tumblr blogs, here u go

btw the likes/dislikes are in reference to my interpretations for them, the fav/least fav moment are in reference in-game since y’know… these guys don’t exactly have ‘moments’ minus… idk, whoever the devs decide to feature in the updates (゜▽゜;)

flamel (… flanel lol i thought u were referring to another chara)

what i like about them: perfectly self-aware of himself: knows what his strengths + capabilities are and also his weaknesses + flaws, along with his morals + ideals + character. nope, any form of psychological bullshit won’t work on him. he’s absolutely aware of what he’s capable of doing and he’s not in denial about his shortcomings at all… what he does with that knowledge and what he plans to do about it is more of the question.

what i dislike about them: while flamel has a condescending air about him, he actually does not look down on people and he acknowledges others’ capabilities + character, even if they’re better than his own. that’s the problem: he knows or at least he has a general idea of a person’s capabilities + character, and what he dislikes the most is if it is not put to good use. without mercy, he can really say stinging observations about one’s failures and fears straight to their faces - the worst part is? it hurts, bc it’s true. he’s insensitive, but you can’t exactly deny his words either.

favorite moment: when i get his card lol bc i really like his card art??? not the mvp + biochemist one, the regular one - like… daMN??? i dig, he probably has the best regular card among the bio mobs imo

least favorite moment: ??? have u fought this fucker in-game??? no??? lucky u then, cecil’s still the queen bitch but mAN is flamel also a pain to fight, the last time i played ended up with my party dying partially bc of him and his clones

a situation with this character that i want to see explored more: not exactly a situation but his backstory??? or okay, something with his family - i know he’s nicholas flamel’s son but what about his mom? or what if: his parents announce that he’s about to have a sibling like??? what, i’m like around my 20s already then u tell me i’m gonna be an older bro i am questioning ur nightly activities??? cue a much needed slap from his mom lol

an interesting au for this character: lol i’d probably like to see flamel in a soulmate au where he feels the same emotions his partner does like wow he’s really irritated at it at first bc really why is this person so damned emotional / feel so much but eventually he’s able to compartmentalize his partner’s emotions from his own and he also takes note of the emotions his partner experiences in a journal daily, complete with time frames/lines??? that’s sort of sweet??? it also becomes a habit for him to look at the journal at the end of the day and think of reasons why his partner may have felt this way at each of the recorded times??? what’s funny tho is that despite the fact that he’s been taking note of his partner’s emotions for so long (probably middle school up to college?), he’s never gotten the urge to discover who his soulmate is, or to try find said person. sorry soulmate, you’re the one who’s gonna take initiative.

a crossover: top of my head, probably a fullmetal alchemist one lol - he’s probably some big shot alchemist then surprise surprise, one of his transmutation attempts fucked up him up pretty badly leading him to the gate of truth. he wakes up feeling ‘empty’ only to figure out that somehow his parts of him have taken the form of homonculi… and not just any kind of homonculi - they introduce themselves as a part of him, the sins in him that has made him the man he was today. they even call him father and take different human forms (lol, aka they take the form of his floormates, take a pick who represents each sin) - the revelation is in his travels tho while he’s trying to get to the homonculi, is that flamel himself embodies a sin, the seventh sin that completes all of them (try guessing what, lol). ooooh, this could probably be good if i actually fix this but yeah, there u go, it goes somewhere along those lines.

otp: none, actually. 

other ships: kathryne // trentini

brotp: randel // alphoccio

notp: lady tanee hahAHAHA jk no seriously idk just ignore my first entry pls it was supposed to be a joke… maybe…

assortment of headcanons

surprise bitch, he’s the best chef in the biolabs but he ain’t gonna cook for anybody but himself - the only time he isn’t hung up on precise measurements + time is when he’s cooking

has a pair of reading glasses, uses them often and keeps them stored away neatly in his desk complete with a wipe - he always makes sure there’s adequate lighting + his reading glasses are present when he reads stuff, he sure cares for his eyes a lot

he… surprisingly follows a lot of good health practices - he always takes 15 - 20 min break if he’s been doing something for a straight hour (patrol + battles are exempted), drinks 8 glasses of water daily, sleeps early, etc.

his hands are always gloved - takes ‘em off only when he’s about to sleep. his right hand is pristine but his left hand has a strangely shaped burn mark that runs diagonally across his palm - it looks old.

he looks prim and proper but honestly his room is nuts - what’s more confusing is that he isn’t bothered by his room’s state at all + he knows exactly where his stuff is when he needs it, like… dude… how do u even know where to find ur shit in a warzone called ur room, teach me ur ways master

randel (oooh this is new)

what i like about them: he’s a very resolute yet flexible person: definitely not the type of person who’d go second-guessing on his decisions or would waver in times of crisis, but he’s not also the person who’d insist on pushing on with the initial goal/objective when difficulties or contradictions arise - he takes in the present situation + other factors & encountered facts and weighs them against the supposed goal/objective. from there he determines what he thinks would be the best course of action to take, and it takes him only a short time to do so even under pressure.

what i dislike about them: true to his class, he’s too self-sacrificing??? which is like… dude c’mon it’s probably an honor for the crusader line to die in the act of protecting others but still if u die, who’s going to protect those who can’t protect themselves? like yeah, he understands that too but he’s more inclined to believe that it’s better for him to be left behind/sacrificed/die in exchange for the lives of the majority. well - it’s either he’s that self-sacrificing or sadly, when weighed against the lives of the people he must protect, he doesn’t place that much value on his own life.

favorite moment: the feel when u don’t get his attention, seriously. pls let me sneak about ur floor in peace - i swear i went to church so pls stop with the grand + holy crosses

least favorite moment: fighting him is torture bc if rms data is right, 478,745 hp, man - he has the longest hp out of his floormates… and that’s just a regular randel… the paladin one has 3,870,000 and the mvp one a whopping 6,870,000… since his life is that fucking long, say goodbye to trying not to be mobbed by the other ghosts bc ur still busy trying to kill him, damn

a situation with this character that i want to see explored more: same like flamel, knowing his backstory would be A+ but… hmm, maybe something way back like his origins story or something, the story of why and what made him decide to be a swordsman/crusader. y’know, that’s if we’re assuming that he’s not from a family line of swordsmen/crusaders or something. idk, sometimes the thing is with characters who are in line with a faith/ideal is that i’m interested in what made them devote their lives to that certain faith/ideal in the first place.

an interesting au for this character: oooh, just… idk, a modern au where he suddenly ends up taking care of the bio2 kids who are orphans. he’s never mentioned it to anyone, not even to the people of his workplace who happen to be his friends/co-workers like for 4 years already. therein lies the problem: his friends on separate occasions have seen him with at least 2 or 1 of the kids. they all know randel isn’t married. the hair colors (cenia and laurell) + other features don’t match up. some distinctly heard a kid call him dad/daddy/father (see: wickebine, armaia, the rest respectively). conclusion: it’s either a) he’s babysitting as a part time job bc goddamn rekenber’s a cheap son of a bitch that won’t give him a raise, b) those kids are his cousins or something and are probably so fond of him that they see him as a father figure, or c) illegitimate chiLDREN FROM SOME ONE NIGHT STANDS ALRIIIGHT SCANDAL IN THE OFFICE. chaos ensues even before poor randel has a chance to explain himself.

a crossover: lol, idk… a shingeki one maybe where randel’s probably the head of the survey corps, watching over our fated trio (probably flamel/celia/chen for his floor, bio2&3′s are a mix&match). for some time, the trio don’t see him but strangely enough when the trio get old enough to join the corps, they discover that randel is considered a scum and a traitor to humanity by all three army regiments (survey, garrison, & military) which is strange bc randel is very well known and respected by humanity within the walls, wow. when the trio get deeper into his case, it turns out that randel vehemently fought against a group of scientists that were looking for human subjects for the ‘sake of saving humanity by using present resources’ - the three of them were seen as part of those potential resources and were eyed upon by the scientists were they were already young, along with other people from different parts of the walls (the other bio mobs). what happened to randel, however, is left in the air… was he even still alive, or had something important happened leading him to be branded as the traitor of humanity? politics, religion, science, drama, and titans (removers maybe lol) ensue.

otp: again, no solid one.

other ships: ????? surprising revelation is that i don’t exactly ship randel romantically, wow even i just discovered that now

brotp: his floormates - although honestly i think that one way or another, randel could be on everyone’s good side once they just get around to talking, probably

notp: zealotus oKAAAAY no seriously pls make me stop placing random mobs in this section

assortment of headcanons:

very, very religiously open + tolerant. he shows a lot of interest on other faiths and is knowledgeable even of various religious practices asides from his own. of course, he’s still steadfastly loyal to what he believes in first and foremost, but he feels no need to impart his beliefs to those who don’t / are reluctant to believe. he isn’t the type you’d see to be preaching about his faith either, that is unless you ask.

in line with the hc above, his tolerance also extends to people and their character + personalities, but he isn’t too tolerant to the point that he’d rationalize questionable actions + motives. he may have the patience of a saint, but no one’s so sure if they want to see him snap / test his patience to see what makes him tick. throwing bullshit about his faith doesn’t work on him, actually.

he’s pretty crafty - he pretty much taught himself other ways to help people, from practical stuff like sewing to more complicated stuff like woodwork + metal works, wow. he’s basically the ideal useful guy in survival crises… minus the fact that he can’t cook that well lol

he has the worst drinking tolerance among the bio3 + bio4 residents - the sign that he’s drunk is when his face shows more expression than usual + his posture breaks (the paladin randel card art lol). nobody knows bc damn son, he has a pretty good poker face and he can hold it for a really long time

... the only reason he grew his hair long is bc of a promise to his mother. he vowed that if ever he was to fall in love (and it was reciprocated) / find the person he would devote his life to, that would be the only time he would cut his hair, and his mother would do the honors... but... yeah... wow, i made myself feel sad

this was a lot of fun - thanks a lot for the ask anon, and i welcome your curiosity anytime! (　＾∇＾) i’m always in for a distraction from work lol

[nastymomcomic]

Totally sort of on hiatus, but WAIT

I left off on a note that I wasn’t doing good. So here’s what’s up. I quit my job that I hated and that hated me and it was killing me going there. Honestly the entire experience there could be a comic in of itself. I started changing almost instantly after starting there and my SO brought that to my attention close to when I decided to quit. My anxiety was through the roof, I was getting physically ill from it. It’s been about three months since I quit and I actually feel much better than I did.

The decision to quit came around the end of Christmas season (aka retail hell), my stress level hit it’s max. With work and with how things are at home, I became suicidal and started breaking my things instead of hurting myself. (On a side note I discovered I have a deep raspy yelling voice that would be perfect for an anime character) 

(This is kind of long so I’ll put one of those read more thingies)

I talked with my SO about it and I agreed to quit the job, get back on my anxiety medication , and get back into steady therapy. (I was given a new counselor and hadn’t been able to make it to therapy because of work.) Shortly after I started becoming viciously sick around my period, turns out I just have extremely bad pms to the point ai throw up and become Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde. It is horrible. I didn’t figure it was my period until recently though, for a while I thought I was bipolar or had the flu, even pregnant. Nope, it was just pms. I had no idea how common that is for women until it happened to me.

With the job, I had a lady curse me out because I had to charge her for  10 cent bag that she wanted a giant barrel of pretzels put into, which didn’t fit anyway. That wasn’t even my worst customer by far, but it’s definitely my favorite story to tell. (There will definitely be an episode about that bitch.) I hurt my wrist the first month I worked there and my supervisor never made a report refused to report it, so I wasn’t seen by their doctor, and none of my managers or coworkers were notified of my injury, so my workload and tasks weren’t changed. I went to the my doctor before quitting so I’d have the injury on record, he found it was a sprained wrist, and told me it wouldn’t heal because I’d been using it too much. (Which is why work is supposed to fucking change your work tasks when you have a fucking work related injury.) This same supervisor looked me up and down with the fucking stink eye during my interview and I knew she was going to be a problem, and I wasn’t wrong.

I spent a good two months trying to figure out exactly how to report that my workplace refused to make report for my injury, but at the end of it I just wanted to quit and be done with all of it. This lady had definitely been acting like that way before I worked there, there’s no way the company or at least the other managers weren’t aware of what she does. As much as I would like to get her fired for being a gigantic asshole, it’s not my job to babysit women in their damn 50’s. And she definitely wasn’t the only deciding factor. Besides the shitty customers treating me like shit on a daily basis, I only had  a handful of coworkers who were my saving grace there. They were awesome to work with and I genuinely looked forward to seeing them. But when they weren’t there, my calls would get ignored by my coworkers and managers, I’d find them all chilling out in the office, customers would be left waiting for over 30 minutes because no one wanted to answer me, it was just ridiculous. I could go on and on but I think my final straw was being told by a manager that I needed to “stop doodling” while at the register…. like fucking when??? I asked for clarification or a date on when I’d done such a thing and said manager refused to explain or anything.

I mean, that and when I changed my availability for health reasons. I was working full shifts and 4 days out of the week during peek Christmas season, and changed my availability to just one day a week. Car broke down and you know, I was suicidal and loosing my mind. I made sure to change my availability only after peek was over, but gave management a heads up so they had time to fill shifts. Shit supervisor was the one I had to talk to about it first and she said ‘You’re kidding me, you’re changing your availability during peek?” And I’d had enough of her shit so I sad=id back “No I’m changing it after peek next week, but I’m doing the considerate thing and notifying people now.”

Fucking bitch. Like wow I wrote it was for medical reasons, thank you so much for your fucking concern.

The ironic part was they said I was doing absolutely great, but I’d stopped giving all my fucks over a month ago and started half assing my job like the people who got all the credit for slacking off while others and myself did circles around them. Now that I stopped doing my job well, they liked me? lmfao hwwaaaaat? When I was busting my ass I was always told I was “straggling” and needed to do better. I just… how does that even work? forget it, I don’t work there anymore, it’s not my problem. I quit without giving two weeks notice. I wrote my resignation letter before my shift, and when my shift was done I quit on the spot. Shitty supervisor never looked happier. (lol I bet)

It was weird, that place had fast turnover, but also had people who had been working there for ears. (Shit supervisor had been working there 17+ years) And now I totally get why.

The minute I walked out of the break room knowing I never had to work there again, I felt a giant weight lifted from my entire body. It was absolutely amazing. Thing is, me not having that job doesn’t even make a dent in my income because it was so far away, it had shitty hours, and I was spending so much money on gas to get there. It was absolutely pointless. Now I can focus on things that actually benefit me and build my future.

So I’m back in therapy back on my meds, not having the life drained out of me, and Nmom has been in therapy for like 5 months now and she’s starting to actually be normal, it’s like she’s learning to manager her emotions or something. I don’t trust it, but it makes things a lot easier and I’ll take the quiet while I can get it. Bad news is my grandpa is in the hospital right now, he nearly died, had to have a pacemaker out in him. It’s been a big ordeal but it could be worse. SO things are changing for me again, someone has to be there for him and it’s actually going to be me and Nmom seeing as no one else will. Things are a bit up in the air but I know it could of been worse so I’m just thankful.

My SO is going to be moving soon to his own place and I’ll be living with him half of the week and the rest of the week with my mom and probably with my grandpa when he finally comes home. Honestly I am scared, but I’m also determined. I decided to go back to school, pay off bills, invest in things I need to do, and get back to what I love or I think my soul will die if I don’t.

The comic nasty mom will be back soon, and eventually, it will have to end as well. I’ve found that I tend to reopen wounds through my muse, so i need to find a way to really really, really make this comic for myself. I also tend to care about others more than myself, even in my art. I haven’t really been doing this comic for myself at all, I think I’ve been doing it for others more than for myself. And I need to change that. I’m glad my comic has been able to make others smile and laugh, and it definitely will continue to. But I need to change how I approach my art and life if I want to start taking care of myself seriously.

For now I’m going to start getting my feet wet again with my art and buy a new scanner because mine broke like 4 months ago, and the bastard gave me a bruise last week on my foot. (printers are evil!!!!) There will definitely be a lot of drawings and work sketches to show, so that’s good.

I just got on birth control last week and I’m starting to feel some of the changes and stuff. I’m taking care of my body and hopefully my pms doesn’t make me go crazy. Last week I cried because my SO bought me french fries, and an hour before that I wanted to throw my iced coffee at people because Starbucks mad it wring and I was already nauseated and I got more nauseated because there wasn’t enough creme…. yeah, I’m a mess ahahahah.

I’m doing a lot of soul searching for sure right now, but I’ll be back soon! And with more art! And possibly another comic for when this comic finishes! (Shhhh that part is a secret!)

Until next time, I’ll always reply to comments, and I have a ask box on my tumblr as well. I have tumblr and instagram so that should keep readers and friends a little entertained while I’m away!