#so hopefully the original content on this blog will pick up again

[endthedream]

hygge

pairing: model!niki x photographer!reader

summary: meeting at a time where the both of you need a supportive person the most, a beautiful friendship (or more) rises from similar struggles.

words: 6k

story colour: gray

notes: I know this story is shorter than the other ones but I still feel a bit awkward writing about Niki. I tried my best tho and hope all of you can enjoy this story! <3

masterlist of 'enhypen as jobs'

Hygge

noun

a quality of coziness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being (regarded as a defining characteristic of Danish culture).

If there was one word your father would describe you with it would be ‘vivacious’. You have always been full of life, walking around with a smile on your face and appreciating the small, little things in life. He called you a ray of sunshine, touched by the angels, and graced with the gift of never-ending happiness. He said you were his inspiration, his muse, his realization of how magical the world can be, and how there is always good in bad. He said you were everything he ever wished for in life.

He used to tell you stories about his travels around the world, places that he captured with the lens of his camera and people he remembered in his heart. Your father told you everything about the world, the cultures, and the unimaginable love he felt when he visited those places. How inspiration was at every corner, how he could see beauty in the tragedies of the world and how everything he felt changed him. He was just a little boy, when he thought he knew the world he never even saw before, but when he came back, he was a man, full of knowledge and respect.

One place he still carries deeply in his heart is Denmark. Not only because it is a beautiful country, so full of wonders and stories, but also because there was one thing he learned from his visit, one thing he still carries with him. ‘Hygge’ is what it is called. A word he now lives by. A word with a greater meaning that inspired the way he was thinking. Hygge is finding happiness in the little things in life. He was the one that taught you from when you were a child that happiness is made out of those small little moments rather than just grant events, finding magic in the ordinary, commonplace, imperfections. You think that he was the one that turned you into the vivacious person you are today.

Your father stopped traveling the world when he met your mom, but his love and passion for photography stayed. He sent his pictures to every agency, working his way up until this point. Until he started taking pictures of the most famous people in the world. It’s not something that he originally wanted or planned, but it is definitely something he enjoys. Because instead of traveling to meet people around the world, he invites them to his studio and takes photos of them. He has met dozens of people without even having to leave town.

It’s been two weeks since you ‘officially’ started working for your dad. You have been helping him at his studio ever since you can remember, and when he offered you to work for him full-time, you couldn’t say no.

Much like him you love photography, always taking pictures of everything and everyone. It has become your thing, your passion as well. And while working at your dad’s studio isn’t the kind of photography you originally wanted to do, it is a start that will hopefully take you far. Like him, you want to travel the world, appreciate every single country and capture everything you see with the lens of your camara. You want to have a blog where you can post those pictures and write about the experiences you have during your travels. You want to inspire people to follow their dreams, to pick up a camera and express themselves, to find who they really are. You want to be able to close your eyes, take a deep breath and know that the moment you open your eyes again, the view that will wait for you is worth every single dollar on this planet.

“You are daydreaming again.”, you can hear the voice of your father right next to your ear, making you snap out of your thoughts and turn around to him. He is grinning from ear to ear, arms folded.

“Sorry.”, you say, showing him a sheepish smile before looking back into the computer right in front of you, showing a picture of a woman who came in her just two days ago. “I am almost done with editing though. How do you like it?”

Your father leans down, eyes skimming over the picture for a few seconds before looking at you again. “I like how you enhanced the colors of her dress, but I think it’s too dark. We wanted to go with a more tropical, summery vibe and now it looks like fireworks on a stormy night. Brighten the picture and see what you can do to get rid of the white dots in the background.” You never said working for your dad was easy. He is your loving, kind, devoted father, but he is also a businessman. He knows what looks good and what doesn’t and whenever he takes the pictures, he has an exact vision of how it has to turn out.

“Oh, and we also got a last-minute photo shoot for tomorrow. I think this is your chance to show off your photographer skills.” In an instant you spin around in your chair, eyes wide and mouth hung open.

“What? But dad, I’ve never taken professional photos before. What if I mess up the shot and you will get a bad reputation?” Until recently, photography was a hobby to you, just capturing small things you saw while taking walks, taking pictures of your friends and family or sometimes even creating abstract pictures, but never have you ever done it professionally. Not with an expensive camera or twelve lights around you or with a model in front of you. God, especially not with a model that has probably high expectations in you.

“Y/n, sweetheart, this is a good opportunity for you. And I will just be two rooms away, if you struggle or have any questions, you can always get me. But you will never make it if you don’t step over your own boundaries. How will you travel the world and capture everything with a lens, when you can’t do it right now? That’s how you learn it and that’s how you grow within it. Don’t see this as a challenge, see this as an opportunity to come out big into the world of photography.” It’s quiet for a moment, you taking the time to think about your fathers’ words and your father taking the time to study your face. He knows that this is a big step for you, but he needs to push you over your own boundaries and help you over the fear of failing.

“Okay, yeah, okay, you are right, dad. I can do this. Who will I have the photoshoot with?” Placing one hand comfortingly on your shoulder, your dad smiles proudly at you. You love that look on his face, the love and pride radiating from it. It fills you with joy and the determination to always give your best in every situation. It has made you turn into the efficient and hard-working person you are today.

“His name is Niki Nishimura. He is a model from Japan, and I thought that this would be perfect for you since the two of you are the same age. I think that you will be able to hit it off perfectly.” There is something in you that stops for a second. You have heard of Niki before from girls in your class, have seen the covers of magazines he is on and commercials on the tv. He is popular, well, more than that actually. Niki is the face of the most well-known brands, walks on fashion week catwalks and on top of that is known for his sweet and polite personality. He is the whole package, and you are going to meet him tomorrow.

“Are you okay?”, your father asks you after you’ve been silent for a while. “Do you know Mr. Nishimura?”

“Know him?”, you say, voice suddenly rising. “Dad he is so popular. Everyone knows him. How do you expect me to do a photo shooting with him when he has literally been on every single magazine I see? How am I supposed to keep my cool when he walked for fashion week in Paris? Dad, this is a huge responsibility, I can’t do that.”

“No, you cannot change your mind now. Y/n, what happened when you said ‘Yeah, dad, you are right. I can do this. Thank you for giving me this wonderful opportunity. You are the best dad in this whole world, and everyone should be jealous because they don’t have such a kind, loving, fantastic, talented, handsome father like I do.’”, he says, mimicking your voice in a high-pitched tone, and you can’t hide the small grin on your lips.

“First of all, that’s not how I sound. Second, you are so full of yourself.” You dramatically roll your eyes as you let your head fall into your arms. “And third, that was before I knew the photo shoot was going to be with the freaking Niki Nishimura. This changes things, dad, this changes things drastically.”

“Y/n, stop being so hard on yourself. Famous or not, that boy is still a human being. He is the same age as you are, so don’t think of him any differently. This is the first lesson you have to learn in this kind of work. Celebrities are humans too. They are just known by more people, but they go to the toilet like you, and they probably also do dance parties in their room late at night when they think their dads are asleep.” Your cheeks turn red as you hear the last sentence, not having known that your dad actually heard you dancing late at night in your room before. But before you can open your mouth and defend yourself, your dad continues. “They are like you and me, sweetheart. So, don’t worry, okay? If anyone can do this, then you. I believe in you, with all my heart.”

-

Your hands are shaking as you set up the camera. The lights are already on and directed right at the boy in front of you, who is currently watching you with attentive eyes as you fiddle around with the tripod. You were aware that Niki is known for his respectful personality, but when he walked into your dads’ studio, you didn’t expect him to be this… shy. He really seemed like a little boy who lost his parents in a supermarket. Niki was barely able to mumble a quick hello to you and tell you his name.

“Are you ready?”, you ask him, looking up at the boy who quickly- almost as if he was caught doing something wrong- looks down at the ground, nodding his head. “Okay, I’m just going to fix this light, since I think it makes you look to pale, and then we can start.”

Without waiting for an answer, you walk over to the softbox, changing its position a bit.

You are so caught up in your head that you get startled as you hear the boy in front of you start to talk. “Your hands are shaking.” It’s a simple sentence, a simple statement, but it makes you stop in your tracs. You look up at him yet again, noticing that he has taken off the sunglasses he has to wear for the shoot. There is something in his eyes- softness, you think- that makes you feel comfortable, less nervous.

“Yes.”, you stutter, clearing your throat a few times. “I’m nervous. This is my first time doing a real photo shoot, and I’m… just terrified that I will make a mistake.” Niki just nods at your words, taking a few seconds to look around the room, which gives you time to take in his outfit for this shoot. You haven’t really looked at him closely, not wanting to make him uncomfortable in any way.

He wears an all-black outfit, black slacks with a black shirt underneath a black blazer. The red and white collar of his shirt gives the outfit the finishing touch, hinting just a bit of color that is needed to compliment him. He looks amazing, dashing, like he is out of a movie- a James Bond movie probably. And you realize you have never seen a more gorgeous person in your whole entire life.

“I’m sure you will be doing just perfect.”, he says, giving you a tight-lipped smile at a thumbs up. You have to scoff slightly at his try of encouragement, showing him the same tight-lipped smile, before continuing to change the position of the softbox.

Somehow your hands are even more shaky as you stand in front of the camera again, your breaths come in shallow, and your vision become blurry. You have to close your eyes for a few seconds, trying to calm yourself down, trying to remind yourself that it’s just a photo shoot and that Niki is just a normal boy. But it doesn’t work, your mind is spiraling with all these bad thoughts and can’t stop them from coming over and over again, attacking and breaking you into pieces.

“Hey, are you sure you’re fine? You look like you are about to faint.” You hear Nikis’ voice, but it is somewhere in the distance, you can’t grasp if it is miles away or right beside you. The world starts turning and you really think you might actually lose control over your whole body.

“Yeah.”, you can hear your own voice, but you can’t feel your lips moving. “Just… just give me a second.” You stumble backwards, eyes still closed and somehow you land right on your behind. You don’t open your eyes, still too afraid of how your surroundings look. You don’t even flinch when you feel two hands taking yours.

“Listen to me, okay? Just follow what I am saying.” There it is again, Nikis voice. There is a mix of concern and determination in it, but you don’t have time to think about that any longer. “Breath in, and out. Again. In and out.” You continue this pattern for a few minutes. Niki guiding your breaths and you following his orders. And you can slowly start feeling yourself calm down.

When you open your eyes again, the world has stopped spinning, your heart beats at a normal speed again and your hands stopped shaking. Niki is sitting beside you, watching you carefully. “Thanks.”, you just mumble, letting out a long and deep sigh.

“No need to thank me.”

There is a comfortable silence surrounding the two of you, and for a moment you forget that there is someone sitting right beside you, until Niki speaks up again. “Did that happen to you before?”

You shake your head, letting a hand glide through your hair. “No, never. I think I was just worrying too much about everything that my body just couldn’t handle it anymore.”

Niki nods slightly, eyes fixated at a point in front of him. “I used to have panic attacks all the time. Before photo shootings, before catwalks, before pretty much anything.” You look at him as he speaks, seeing the pain on his face as he remembers past moments. “I was nervous, terrified of messing up, of not being good enough, of failing every single person in my life. Those thoughts never left my mind, and I did not know how to stop them. I felt helpless, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, afraid they might laugh at me or think I am a pathetic little boy.”

“What did you do to change that?”, you ask him, attentively listening to him and hanging onto every word that was coming out of his mouth.

“Well, I started believing in myself more. Because why would people book me for modeling, if they didn’t think I was good at it? I started telling myself that I am good enough, that I made it this far, because I am good at what I am doing. Believing in yourself is always the first step to a healthier mindset.” You watch as he nervously picks at the skin on his fingers, before continuing. “And then I started telling myself that we are all just tiny little humans on a tiny little planet in this big universe. Why would I waste my time caring about my looks, or the way I walk and talk, when nothing of that is important? I mean, it is important, but you know what I mean. It seems like nothing compared to the universe. Why should I care about the opinions of others, when I will probably never see them again in my life? Why would I give my precious time to people who will just waste it, if I can surround myself with nothing but happiness? After all, we are all just little humans having dreams and hopes, having a life of our own and chasing one thing. Happiness.”

There is a silent tear rolling down your cheeks as you hear his words, but you quickly wipe it away before he can notice it.

“And then I started to talk to people about my thoughts, and it helped so much. Other models told me about their worries, about their problems. And suddenly, I didn’t feel alone anymore. I felt understood, like someone tuck me into bed with a warm blanket and kissed my forehead.” There is a short moment where you both smile into the distance, caught in your own heads, before Niki directs his gaze back at you. “I’ve seen your dads’ work, that’s why I wanted to come here and get my pictures taken by him. And when he told my agency about you, his prodigy daughter, I knew that if a person as talented as him recommends you do the photo shoot with me, then you must be just as talented as he is. When I saw you today, saw the way you took so much care of the equipment and about every single person on this set, I knew that I wouldn’t want anyone else to take photos of me. You just have to believe in yourself more, trust yourself and your abilities and stop the spiral in your head. Stop thinking and just do what you love to do.”

-

“So, I went up to him and told him to get lost. I mean he is famous, yes, but that doesn’t give him the right to treat other people like that. Especially since my dad was having a photo shoot with him. Like be grateful that at least someone is taking pictures of you.” Niki laughs at your story, long having forgotten the hot chocolate in front of him. After your panic attack, Niki proposed a little break, so you took him to one of the best cafés in town.

“It’s so good that you gave him a piece of your mind. Sometimes fame really gets into peoples’ brains and they start thinking they are above anyone.” You nod your head, smiling at him widely and taking a bit of the cake you ordered. You close your eyes, enjoying the different flavors melting on your tongue. And when you open your eyes again, you find Niki staring at you, a fascinated look on his face. You show him a questioning look, swallowing another bite of your cake.

“I find it fascinating.”, he says, fork poking his own cake. “The way you seem to soak up every single small thing in life. Just a second ago, you looked like you were soaking up the flavor of this cake with your whole body. On the walk here, you stopped walking just to watch a bee on the flowers of the flower shop we passed by, and your eyes were actually sparkling. And it’s the way you talk about things, especially your dad. You have this way of making me feel like I was actually there with you throughout all your little stories. It’s just fascinating how much someone can enjoy life and all its little wonders.”

There is a faint tint of blush slowly creeping up your cheeks and you quickly try to hide it by covering your face with your hair. “Do you know the word hygge?” Niki shakes his head at your question, waiting for you to continue. “It’s a word from Denmark and it basically has the meaning of enjoying the small things in life and finding happiness in them. I learned it from my father and been living by it all my life.”

“That is so beautiful.” You can feel the air shift. Niki lowers his head, fork dropping beside his cake. “Sometimes I feel like my life is moving so far. I have to be somewhere new every single day. I rush from one place to another without having time to appreciate the stuff I get to see and do every single day. Everything moves so quickly, and I feel like I can’t just be a simple kid, living a simple life. I have to be a mature role model who knows everything and behaves perfectly at all times. I had to do that since I was fifteen. And it’s just… exhausting. Sometimes I just want to stop time and be… me. I want to appreciate things, stuff myself full of food until I’m nauseous, play pranks on my friends without being titled as mean. I want to act goofy without being called childish, even though I am still seventeen.”

Sniffling down your tears, you reach over to grab Nikis’ hand. “Listen to me, Niki. You are the bravest, most talented, kind-hearted person ever. Life isn’t treating anyone fairly, but we should not let that decide our whole future. If you really want to enjoy life to its fullest, then do it. Take a break, talk to your management or something like that. If you really want something, you can always get it, if you want deeply want it. People will always have something they won’t like about you, because they are jealous and miserable, but just remember that you don’t know those people and you never will. So, don’t let them decide who you are, and definitely don’t let them have power over who you want to be. Life is too short to waste it, and we won’t stay young forever. It’s important to enjoy every single little thing before it is too late.”

There is a single tear rolling down Nikis’ face, but he catches it with his thumb before it can land on the table. He takes a few breaths, calming himself down, before looking into your eyes again. He shows you a sad smile, the hand that is still holding yours squeezing in an appreciating manner. “Thank you so much for telling me all that. You don’t know how much this means to me, Y/N.”

“Don’t thank me for something like that, Niki. I just said what you needed to hear a long time ago.”  A few seconds of silence fill the air, Niki just looks around, trying not to think too much about your words. He doesn’t want to tear up yet again. “Okay, before any of us will start bawling their eyes out, how about you finish your cake, and I will take you to a cool place?”

-

Nikis’ eyes widen at the scene in front of him. The towns autumn festival is known for being breathtaking, decorations of pumpkins, leaves and mushrooms everywhere, a fairy’s wheel laced with moos and fairy lights, games you can play at every corner and a big campfire where people laugh, talk, sing and grill marshmallows. Niki doesn’t know where to look first, his eyes trying to take in every single little thing at once, before eventually landing on you, again.

“This is, wow, Y/n, this is the coolest thing I have ever seen.” You smile brightly at him before tugging on his sleeve, silently telling him to follow you. You walk up to a stand selling waffles, smiling at the elderly guy.

“Hey, Mr. Kim. Can we have two waffles, and please give them a bit of extra chocolate sauce, my friend here has never tried your waffles before.”

“Y/n, my dear, anything for you.” Niki and you both watch as Mr. Kim prepares the waffles, adding sprinkles on them and even an extra amount of whipped cream. Before you can take out your wallet to pay, Mr. Kim shakes his head violently. “No, it’s on the house. You have never brought a friend here before. Enjoy the waffles, okay?” With red cheeks you nod at the kind man, taking the waffles from him and walking to a free table with Niki.

“So, you never brought a friend here, huh?” You can hear the teasing tone in Nikis’ voice, but you are too ashamed to look at him. It’s not like you never wanted to bring a friend here, but it just never felt right. Friends weren’t really a permanent thing in your life, having had too many bad experiences with them. And whenever you had a friend that you started to trust, you always felt like they would destroy this magical festival for you. But with Niki it was different. You just felt so comfortable with Niki, so understood. Niki is different than anyone you have ever met, and after his confession earlier, you just knew that you had to share this with him. You had to share this beautiful place with him.

“I never really had friends. Whenever I did, they only seemed to like me because my dad is somewhat known. They wanted to get some fame as well. So, I just stopped looking for friends. You are the first person I feel like could actually like me for me, you know.”

Niki smiles at you, for the thousands time today, taking a bite out of his waffle. “I already do like you for you, Y/n. And I really appreciate it that I am the first person you bring here. But I just want to say that, wow, these waffles are amazing. I feel like I’ve been kissed by an angel, like I am at the beach hearing the waves softly crash against the sand, like I am floating on a cloud, like I am a changed man.” You laugh at his words, holding your stomach and tipping your head back. Niki watches you, eyes trained on your face, and he realizes how much he loves being the reason for your laughter. “Like I want to marry this waffle, that’s how good it is. And then we have little waffle children running around, spreading sugary joy all over the world. And then me and this waffle will watch those waffle children grow up and have waffle children themselves. We will sit on the porch, in little rocking chairs and watch our waffle grandchildren play in the front yard.” Tears are flooding down your cheeks from laughing at his words. There are people staring at the two of you, but you don’t care, you just live in this moment together.

-

“And that cloud looks like a cat eating ice cream.” The sun is setting painting the sky in different shades of pink and yellow, as you stop at the top of the fairy’s wheel. This is your third time riding the fairy’s wheel, not caring about the amount of money you are spending on it. You subconsciously hug the unicorn plushie Niki has won you earlier- after at least twelve tries- tighter to your chest as you look up at the sky with him.

“Oh, and that cloud looks a big popcorn bucket.” Rolling your eyes at the boy sitting beside you, you can’t help the grin that creeps itself up on your lips.

“You are so bad at this, Niki.” He just chuckles at your comment, eyes focusing on you again. “It’s not a popcorn bucket it is obviously a dragon drinking a cup of Pepsi.”

“Okay, this is the first one that I cannot see, Y/n. How is this a dragon? It is just a big blob, nothing more.” Gasping at his words, you shake your head in disappointment at his lack of creativity.

“How could you say that about Mr. Dragon. Has he done anything to you? No, he hasn’t. He is just enjoying his Pepsi, and you are insulting him like that. I cannot believe you right now.” Niki tips his head back in laughter, wiping at his eyes.

“Thank you.”, he says between laughs, voice raised a few pitches higher than normally.

“For what?”, you ask him.

“For this day, Y/n. This has been the coolest day ever, and all that thanks to you. I never had so much fun, I never laughed so much and so hard. I swear my belly and my jaw hurt from laughing so much.” There is this happiness, this pride, filling your heart as you hear his words. You have never felt this way before, never had someone tell you such sweet words, and thanking you for company. You swallow your tears, blinking a few times up into the sky, before you can face him again.

“You’re welcome, Niki. I hope that you can have many, many more days like this one in the future with a lot of people all over the world. Because that is what you deserve.”

“Well, I hope I can have many more days like this as well with you, right? After this day we won’t just pretend we never met, we won’t just become strangers, right? This day will lead to an amazing friendship that will last until we are old and gray, right?” You smile at him, scooting over to him and softly taking his hand in yours.

“Of course, Niki. I won’t let you leave. You are stuck with me now.” You grin brightly at him, squeezing his hand appreciatively.

“Oh, no. I take back what I said. You scare me.”

“Nope.”, you say. “No take backs, Niki. This is only the beginning.”

“So, if you are that confident in our friendship? Will you do the photo shoot with me now?”

-

“Those photos are amazing, Y/n. God, I am so proud of you. You did everything just as I imagined it to be, even better actually. I knew you could do it.” Your father wraps you into a tight hug, holding you against him and a bright, proud grin on your face. Pride fills your entire body as you hear those words out of your father’s mouth. You have been editing those pictures, making them perfect, for the past few days, night and day, and knowing that it turned out amazing, was worth all the stressful hours.

“Thanks dad, but I don’t want to have all the credit. Without my muse I wouldn’t have been able to pull everything off.”

Your dad breaks the hug, giving you a stern- not serious- look. “Your muse, huh? I heard Niki and you got really cozy at the autumn festival. You can’t fool me; I have eyes and ears everywhere. I tell you, before anything he becomes your boyfriend, I want to formally meet him first. I want to know everything about this boy and then I will decide if he can date my precious daughter.”

“Dad!”, you complain, cheeks redder than the tomatoes your dad is growing in his garden. “It’s not like that. I mean not yet. We are friends, dad.”

“Yeah, but if, sweetheart, if he becomes your boyfriend, I want to meet him first.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Let’s just get out these photos.” With one last smile in your dad’s direction, you walk back to your desk, the pictures of Niki still on your screen. But before you can do anything, your phone ring tone breaks the silence in the room. Smiling as you see Nikis’ contact, you open the text message he sent you, seeing a picture of him at a zoo somewhere in Japanese with the caption ‘Enjoying the little things right now and thinking about you. I’m already counting down the days till we meet again’.

Holding the phone to your chest, you can’t help but grin like a lovesick idiot. Life is great, it’s hard and exhausting sometimes, but it’s great. And you can’t wait to continue enjoying the small little moments it gives you with Niki by your side.

Bonus

“Only three more days.” Nikis’ voice says through the speaker of your phone as you look at the screen of your laptop.

In three days, it will be the fifth time you and Niki will attend the autumn festival in your town. It’s already been five years since you met, five years since you grew up together and five years since you started to enjoy the little things in life together. It still feels surreal to you, having him by your side for such a long time now.

“Three more days till I see you again, Y/n.” The excitement in his voice is evident and it warms your heart, fills it with so much appreciation for the boy on the other side of the planet. Niki is currently in Paris, attending his last fashion week for this year, and you are in Thailand, one of the countries you always wanted to visit. You have taken thousands of pictures, talked to hundreds of people and learned so much about their culture. It has been a dream, these past few weeks, and you wouldn’t trade this experience for anything in this world. But part of you misses your home, misses your dad, and misses Niki. You had one of the greatest times of your life, but you are ready to go home again.

“I can’t wait to see you.”, you say after a while, closing the laptop, grabbing your phone and sitting down outside on your little balcony. “God, I’ve missed you so much, you don’t even know.”

“Aw.”, he coos. “Are you getting emotional my sweet tiny little baby.”

“I take my words back.” You can hear his laughter through the phone, smiling at the familiar noise that became your favorite sound over the years. “But all jokes aside, I really do miss you, Niki.”

“I miss you too.”, he says, sighing softly after his words. “But it’s only three more days, right? We did five months before, so we can easily do three more days.”

“Those three days feel longer than the five months though.” You wrap your jacket tighter around yourself, slightly shaking in the cold evening wind. It’s times like this that you long for him the most, that you wish he was by your side. Traveling has shaped you in so many ways, helped you find who you really are and taught you so much about the world, but it also made you realize how much you value having a fixed place to stay, to settle down. It made you realize what you really want.

“What are you thinking about right now?”, Niki asks you, shifting from his position on his hotel bed. You can almost imagine him, messy hair, make up stains still left on his face and his SpongeBob pajamas on.

“You, I’m thinking about you. And us. Our future.”, you answer him honestly, eyes raised up into the deep blue sky.

“This is only the beginning.”, he whispers, voice low and deep with emotions. “This is only the beginning of our forever together, of our hygge together. It’s crazy to think about that sometimes, you know. The fact that we came into each other’s lives at a time where we needed it the most, and the fact that we made it so far. It’s crazy, but so indescribably beautiful. I can’t wait for these three days to pass by Y/n. And I can’t wait for every single day to pass by with you by my side. This is only our beginning, Y/n. And I already know where we can start together.” Niki stops his sentence, taking a small breath, making you anticipate his next words. “In Denmark.”

[angel-of-hunky-doryness]

Disney's Hercules: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Inaccuracies

Ah Disney's Hercules.

Now I'm sure I've made it no secret that this is one of my all time favorite movies. Both for it's witty charm and impressive character design, there is something to be said about this film that makes it stand out among the line-up of Disney's Renaissance films. It's not one of it's finest, nor is it your classic fairy tale movie up there with the likes of Beauty and the Beast or Aladdin, but just like Lion King, Hercules takes a unique spin on a timeless tale for a more modern audience.

Perhaps my love of this movie and other Disney films are biased. We had quite a lot of these movies on VHS and since I was still learning english, they were a great introduction before I started kindergarten.

Now as I watch these movies again I'm still surprised how well these movies have aged. I recently rewatched B&B with my dad the other day from flipping channels and even he was blown away with how good these movies really are after nearly 2 decades of not seeing them. It's astounding especially now in an age where we have started to see a decline in the quality of Disney movies. Back when there was a greater focus on art instead of profit.

While there was a rise in harsh criticism on Disney movies and their protagonists(like Snow White, Cinderella, etc) primarily in the 2010's that was perpetuated by internet culture (i.e. memes, Youtube critics, pick your poison) I am glad to see that we are starting to dial it down again and see just how progressive many of these movies were for their day and age.

Now this post isn't about any of that.

There are much better blogs here on tumblr that go into that, so I highly recommend @marciabrady, @artist-issues for their look at early Disney princesses and other similar blogs I will hopefully tag before I post this.

There is one movie though that kinda got the worst treatment and that is, to no one's surprise, Disney's Hercules.

And it's kind of deserved.

Now I'm not here to cast stones. Like I said in the preamble, it's one of my favorite movies and I've written quite a bit of fanfiction in this fandom. So I've done it dirty quite a lot. Sorry HS me, we need to talk a bit.

So instead, we will be going over why the inconsistent depiction of the Greek Mythology presented in this film had to be done and some small examples. Nothing too deep. The Mythology Guy on YouTube made a great video going over all the inaccuracies in the film and I highly recommend giving it a watch if you are interested in learning more about the Greek myth of Herakles.

With that out of the way, let's get started.

Part I: Child-Proofing

As I've mentioned before in one of my earlier posts, Disney films are made for children. Now that doesn't mean adults can't enjoy it, but the content within the films are primarily so children can watch and enjoy. Sure there are adult jokes and themes that will go over kid's heads, but they are generally pretty minor or toned down enough that can pass the films off as rated G/PG.

After all, Disney films have very easy and digestible morals: true beauty lies on the inside, don't judge people on their background, follow your dreams but don't lose sight on what's important, don't talk to strangers unless they're hot, invite everyone to the christening- things like that.

Disney films for the longest time have been a sort of moral standard since they have such a big influence on Western culture. Because of that, many fairy tales they have made films about tend to throw out some of the more grim and dark details attached to these tales.

Take Cinderella.

In the original Grimm's Fairy Tale, the happy couple ride off into the sunset while her step-sisters get their eyes plucked out by Cinderella's birds. In fact, before that, the step-sister's lopped off bits of their foot to try and fit into the glass slipper, only to be found out as the slipper gets soaked in blood.

Now I don't know about y'all, but I don't see anyone complaining that Disney left out those details. Okay, well the general consensus, at least.

But Cinderella is a classic fairy tale that had many adaptations and versions from across the world that allowed Disney to pull inspiration from, so who cares that they didn't follow the Brothers Grimm line-by-line?

And that's a good point.

There are versions where Cinderella isn't as gruesome. Charles Perrault, another very famous fairy tale author, had his own version of Cinderella where her step-sisters are fully intact by the end of the story. So it's quite obvious Disney was more attached to this version since it was much more decent.

Just like Cinderella, Greek Mythology has hundreds of different versions about just a single myth. You have Hesiod, Homer, Apollodorus, Ovid and those are just the writers from thousands of years ago. Nowadays, we have thousands of modern adaptations, translations, and rewrites of Greek myth to comb through.

There's just so much to choose from! And that's not even considering how interchangeable Greek myth is with its Roman counterpart.

What that means is you're never going to be able to get everyone to agree on one myth. Sure we can agree on certain details, but just like Ancient Greece, every city state had it's own version of a myth.

Herakles or Hercules was no exception.

Yet it's like I alluded to as well. There are some certain details that remain consistent from myth to myth.

Now let's look at a story that doesn't have a lot of versions to pull from, and just like Disney Hercules, it was heavily toned down: The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

This Disney film is arguable the most sanitized of the animated adaptations. A personal favorite of mine that far outranks Hercules in every way, but it was a huge hurdle to adapt.

From Esmeralda's attempted SA and death, racism, Quasi being bound and abused in jail, Phoebus' less than honorable pursuit of Esmeralda, Frollo's creepy obsession and his horrific control over Quasimodo, the religious themes and motifs, it's crazy how Disney was able to adapt it at all.

While it is pulling from Victor Hugo's original novel, there were a dozen films made before it that also tried to adapt this famous tale. The 1939 version of this film starring Maureen O'Hara is one of the greatest films ever made. For it's time, it made an incredible movie that sanitized many of the darker aspects in a way that cemented this classic tale into a more modern audience.

So is it any surprise that a lot was dialed down in Disney's version so children could also understand the message Victor Hugo was trying to tell? That the deformity Quasimodo was born with unfortunately led him to have a very harsh life- not because his disability affected his quality of life, but because of how society viewed/treated him. Their own perception led him to be isolated, ostracized, abused, and pitied. Likewise with beauty and race in Esmeralda's case.

They are different sides to the same coin.

I have a lot to talk about with Quasimodo. The next disney movie I will begin analyzing will be Hunchback, so prepare yourselves as I wrap up on Hercules.

But I digress.

Because Disney films are catered towards children, is it any wonder Hercules got the same treatment?

Part II: Greek Myths for Dummies

Greek Mythology is not an easy thing to adapt for a single film. Disney films, especially animated ones, are gonna get you at most a 90 minute timeslot and that's already a lot to ask for a highly-trained team of animators, musicians, writers, actors, artists, etc.

There are a lot of bases to cover.

Especially since this may very well be a kid's first introduction into Greek mythology. So we have a lot to answer

Like...

Why is Zeus king of the gods? Why does he have so many kids? How does the afterlife work? Why do I have to pay a man to get into hell? Are winged horses normal here? Why are the Titans bad? What goddess is that with the funny flower headband? Why won't they name all the background gods- are they important in the world? Is being compared to Aphrodite a good thing? Why doesn't Zeus realize his brother is trying to kill him? Why can't I have hubris as a treat?

All good questions, dear reader. And with a limited timeslot, there's not a lot they can talk about, so animators are throwing as much visual exposition as possible.

But who is this glittering assemblage?

That's why to understand what's going on you have to have prior knowledge to get what's going on in the background.

Like Lord of the Rings. Big world, lots of story to tell. The Silmarillion will help, but that's already a lot for a first time fan.

And since Hercules is written with kids in mind, it has to be rewritten some. So the established canon is kind of being thrown out the window, rearranged, and patched up like an old man who threw off an emperor's groove.

But Gerald Scarfe and a team of Disney animators managed to combine the former's caricature design style to the Disney standard to create Disney Hercules' unique style.

These gods aren't given the background character design treatment you'll find in other Disney movies, they are very stylized and exaggerated to visually convey their personality, their role in this universe, and if they're good or bad.

And the nice thing is, Greek mythology has an extensive list of symbols associated with each god that allowed Disney's own technicolor pantheon to reflect the very same icons.

Look at Athena above. There's her war helm, her breastplate, a cute little owl. She screams war goddess, but look how gentle she is with the bird. Her glass of nectar is a prop to show off her generosity, her self-restraint, and her desire to keep the peace.

But on the flip side, Ares is in the same get-up as her, war helm, breastplate, but his sword is drawn and his stance is one of action. We can see both these war gods are similar, but their temperaments and approach to war (same as their personalities) are so drastically different, and their color scheme helps so much as well.

It's incredible how much detail was poured into this and while I can go on gushing about the designs, we must push on.

Say what you want about how accurate the greek mythos is shown downgrades the overall movie, but the background story is lining up with a lot of the context we would lose were this in any other medium. The gods, how they look, their personalities- it's there.

It's accurate.

Sure the same cannot be said about the gods and mortals who have a role in the overall story they made, but that's the last issue this post will hopefully tackle.

Part III: A Hero's Journey

While Disney had already dipped their toes into Greek mythology with the likes of Fantasia and Goddess of Spring, Hercules was the first try to make it more than just a short.

So the myth they chose to adapt had to be iconic. They couldn't do it about the gods- that's just too much drama. They needed a hero, someone who struggled and fought and had a support group comprising of supernatural beings. And who is the most famous hero of Greek Myth?

Herakles.

There's just a few slight issues with that, heh...

Herakles is a really rough story.

To summarize, Zeus magics up a disguise to look like the mortal Amphitryon to woo the guy's wife, Alcmene. She gets preggers, Hera finds out and naturally goes ballistic. So Zeus pulls a fast one on his wife to save his kid, and thus Hera nurses baby Herk giving him god-like strength. A few assassination attempts later, Herakles grows up, marries, and has kids. Despite this, Hera isn't done, but she doesn't target the H man anymore, oh no, she sends him into a fit of madness whereby he decimates his entire family. Once it passes he works for a king, like his distant cousin, and he does 12 increasingly intense labors as a sort of penance and at the end of it, he's promised immortality or an indefinite Hera leaves him alone pass. Wonder Boy finishes that, but then he gets infected with centaur blood after taking on his dad's worst personality trait (adultery), he dies via his own funeral pyre, but at the last second his dad saves him and he becomes a god.

And Disney is gonna try adapting that???

That's about a dozen labors in itself, so how are they gonna do it?

To summarize here are the elements Herakles has going on that can be adapted to your standard Disney film:

Protagonist: Hercules (b/c the Roman version is much more popular)

Damsel in Distress: Megara or Deianeira (most notable love interests in myth)

Side-kicks: Iolaus (Hmm those undertones, huh)

Antagonist: Hera

Flaw: wrath / impetuous/ salacious

Unique ability / quirk: super strength

We have a pretty solid line-up for a story here. But at the time in the 90's, there is already another adaptation of Hercules going on strong: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

This show first came out in the mid-90's and ended a couple years after Disney's Hercules dropped.

So how are they going to make it distinct from that?

It's really easy actually.

Super easy.

Disney's Hercules got a lot of inspiration from Superman (Christopher Reeves version).

Hercules is literally an innocent farm boy (mild-mannered Clark Kent), Meg is your hotshot spitfire Lois Lane, and Hades is your bald megalomaniac investing millions of dollars trying to axe one guy - Lex Luthor.

And let's be honest, the myth of Herakles reads like a modern superhero. He has super strength, he fights monsters, there's a damsel in distress every now and then- he fits the bill!

At this point in time, Disney didn't have a superhero and since that started to be a bigger appeal as the 90's marched on (*laughs in Marvel*)

It was a smart choice to bridge this tale to the modern time.

So for that reason, if they were going to make Hercules a super hero-esque character. He needed a villain and Hera wasn't going to cut it.

Part IV: A Hera-Shaped Hole

Hera was absolutely vicious in myth. This lady orchestrated the entire demise of Herk's family, his sanity, and his freedom. She wanted him to suffer just so Zeus could see how betrayed she felt every time he had a dalliance with a mortal.

Zeus never learned, but Hera's tactics did. And it was by her hand that sent Hercules into servitude under his cousin, the king. A title Herakles should've had had Hera not intervened.

And while wicked step-mothers are abundant in Disney's canon, it wasn't going to work because she's Zeus' wife. Yes, Hera received repercussions for starting a coup against her husband once in myth, but it was a brief punishment. Most of the time this couple can't stand each other, but they are what's keeping the pantheon together. And Hestia's cooking.

But here's the thing, Hera may be a bad person in this myth and others involving sons of Zeus, but she's a good person in other myths. Even at the beginning of this one, Hera found an abandoned baby and nursed him because he was all alone and crying out of hunger. She has her virtue, she's a good queen.

Yet with her iconography of peacocks, marriage, family, cows, and queen of the heavens and gods, she gives off very ethereal imagery.

This was the lady sending monsters and horrors of Typhon and Echidna's brood- that's her?

It can be done, I'm sure someone will do it better than Blood of Zeus, but it's much harder to adapt, especially with Treasure Planet on the duo of director's mind.

Just see Lindsey Ellis' Disney Hercules video, you'll understand.

But y'know that thing with the monsters.... Kinda cool. Monsters coming in from the pits of hell- pretty rad i guess. Well who else could throw a litany of monsters at our little hero?

Oh.

Yeah, okay, fine.

Hades, you're hired.

Yeah, the direction of this movie absolutely did a backflip the second the writers wanted Hades as their villain.

However, based on concept art, this was something they wanted from the very start and I'm sure we can all see the appeal.

I mean as soon as this movie came out so many other greek myth adaptations jumped to make Hades a bad guy, and like kudos to y'all, but this really is the easiest god you can paint as a villain. Home boy literally is dark and dank and emo as can be. Congrats we found another goblin sewer man to dress up as the mustache twirling evil-doer!

Like... This writes itself.

And pitting a god of the dead vs a mortal who's striving for immortality? It's poetry. It's an on the nose symbolism. I can't make it any clearer.

There's even an excerpt in Revelations that Disney references:

"Then death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire." 20:14 (NIV)

Hades is written as a Devil character. He's a deal maker, soul stealer. There's so much you can do with a Mephistopheles archetype. It's always a show stopper, I mean Ursula did it with extra steps.

Hera is a goddess of the heavens. Hercules is fighting the heavens to get into Heaven(TM). That's all kinds of complicated to simplify in a kid's film.

We want a villain to be scary, to be mean, and unjustified in their cruelty.

Hera wasn't going to work since Herakles' mother (though unwillingly) is the other woman. It would paint Zeus as another morally bad person. Why on earth would Herc look up to that guy? In fact, why would he want to join a band of morally corrupt people?

So let's make a new villain.

We can have the hero endure a different kind of pain.

The damsel's story doesn't have to end tragically because of a betrayal.

Make the story relevant and simple.

What archetypes can we match up to make this ancient myth fit into the modern day?

Make it clean, and make it understandable for kids. Throw in as many myths as possible so kids can see how big this world is.

The mythology is wrong, sure, but we'll spark that interest. We can make mythology fun. It'll make kids curious to learn more about them.

It certainly worked for me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Part V: Conclusion

This movie is an absolute blast. I think many fans can agree and though the story does have its issues (See Conflicts series), it did it's job. With such a fun and memorable cast, lovingly animated characters, and mind-melting musical numbers, it stands uniquely among the other adaptations of Greek Mythology and perhaps it's why there was a bit of a resurgence in it's popularity as time marched on.

Herakles is a tale of struggle, sacrifice, and courage. One man battled and fought to achieve the divine, but at the end of his life, he did what few other mortals were ever able to do.

And Disney's Hercules took that character and developed him in such a loving way. To see his struggle both internal and external, it's a beautiful circle when he accepts his mortality and gives up his greatest dream for love. He didn't belong anywhere, caught between heaven and earth. Yet somehow he found it with someone who had been through hell and was hungry for heaven.

And just remember.

Not every work of fiction has to adhere to these magical bylaws that dictate how your Greek Myth AU must follow. However, I would like to softly counter-point my own point and say if you are going to make interpretations of greek mythology, be they musicals, video games, fanfics, or modern retellings, one must include the soul of the character they are based on. Hadestown, Hades(the game), Percy Jackson (most of the time), and the God of War franchise being prime examples.

Disney's Hercules took these characters and made them more exaggerated and updated to fit modern archetypes that are prominent in a Western Christian based-society. To me, I still see the soul of what these characters represent, even if some things were heavily condensed or rewritten.

Stories evolve. As is the nature of living things.

Till next time, Dear Readers.

[szarolina]

intro

Witam! I had been lurking in the studyblr community before I left Tumblr a few years ago. Yet here I come again and hope I still fit since I'm not a student anymore. I hope we'll get along!

About

I'm Karolina and I'm 27 years old.

From Poland (with love ♡).

INTJ & 5w6 / 8w9

I'm a graduate of two Master degrees: 1) International Relations in Asia 2) Russian & Central Asian Studies. I'm currently writing two theses and hopefully finish them by December.

Next, I want to enroll in PhD program and focus on politics, economy and markets in East and Southeast Asia.

In the meantime I'm looking for a job in the field. I'm thinking of an analyst of the area (just Asia or better Eurasia so it would cover both my degrees), but mixing it with academic path, so while pursuing PhD degree.

One of my hobbies are foreign languages! Over time of my education I've managed to learn English, French, Russian and I'm still learning Japanese (currently at B1+ level). I used to learn Mandarin Chinese, but I intend to get back to it at some point. Also, I'm interested in picking Korean.

I like learning often just for sake of it since my mind needs to be constantly on the go (it gave me sleepless nights several times). It could be picking some textbook (I learnt bases of macroeconomics by myself), doing some online quizes on all seas, gulfs and straits or reading a popular history/science books (because of the Oppenheimer movie, I bought "The Making of the Atomic Bomb" by Richard Rhodes and yes, that's my current read!). I just enjoy it.

I have a never-ending books list on my Goodreads account (2600+ and counting). I like nonfiction (history, biography, political science, business, economics, you name it) and catching up on classics. Also, a h u g e Nabokov fan.

I'm one of these people who need to write everything down, from day schedule, important dates and tasks to all kinds of lists, trackers and brain dump. My Filofax is with me everywhere I go.

In general, I tend to be super-organized and put together. That applies to my daily or at least weekly schedule, surroundings or appearance - otherwise I can't properly focus.

I can't live without good coffee and I'm very picky about it.

Blog

The plan is to make it more personal by posting original content: hopefully daily, realistically a few times per week - mostly covering my writing proccess and languages learning, but also other random things. I intend to reblog some posts too, but I wish to keep the balance between that and OC.

Tagging #szarolina and #karolinatalking

My inbox is always open! c:

[sleepingdeath-light]

barnaby + going into rut early hcs ; 18+

requested by ; 🎋 anon (15/07/23)

fandom(s) ; welcome home

fandom masterlist(s) ; sfw | nsfw

character(s) ; barnaby b. beagle

outline ; “Hello! I wanted to request a Welcome Home NSFW fanfic (I'm 19 years old!! :DD)

I was wondering if it could be a Barnaby x Male reader, where Barnaby gets his rut early (It being a really difficult one? not sure lol) and goes to find the reader at their home!

🎋 Anon (Hopefully this emoji isn't taken-)”

warning(s) ; sexually explicit content, dom!barnaby, anal sex, unprotected sex, anal cream-pie, size kink, overstimulation, dumbification

note ; playfellowxxx was the tag created by clown and the team specifically for nsfw content — if you don’t want to see that sort of thing then that is the tag to block

note 2 ; i have altered the request a little bit to have the reader going over to find barnaby rather than the other way around but the rest of the request remains unaltered, i hope that the original requested doesn’t mind!

minors and ageless blogs will be blocked

barnaby is usually perfect at tracking his heat cycles, keeping a calendar and leaving notes around to remind himself that it’s coming and he has this long to prepare for it (stock up on food at the bugdega, calling you to stay over with him for the duration, clearing up his schedule, etc.) — but somehow, somehow, this one had managed to catch him completely off guard

he’d just been meandering back home from howdy’s bugdega, arms full of groceries and snack foods after a successful shopping trip in advance of your weekly date night (you’d decided to cook dinner together, instead of just ordering takeout like usual) when he’d been hit with a sudden wave of heat rushing to his cock as his abdominal muscles tightened and flexed — a pleasurable but startling feeling so sharp that he nearly dropped his bags, but thankfully he managed to catch himself just in time before panicking and rushing back home before his mind fogged up too much for him to care about preserving his dignity

of course his first instinct is to call you, hands trembling as he dials those familiar numbers once again — this time with slightly blurred vision, a body so aroused he’s trembling, a painful ache between his legs, and heaving breaths as he desperately tries to calm his nerves and ‘keep his cool’ (or as much as he can, hunched over the phone whilst clenching those large thighs together to try and temporarily deal with himself)

thankfully — fucking thankfully — you pick up after the first dial and barnaby almost sobs when he hears your voice, staticky and cutting out with poor reception but still yours, calling out to him

and then he opens his mouth and the words just fall out — coming so quickly that you only manage to catch a few syllables here or there through the slurred, staticky mess you were receiving… but those spese few bits were enough for you to get the broader picture of your boyfriend’s struggles

early… heat… help… can’t… hurts…

and that was all you needed to know before you promised to be there ‘soon’ and grabbed the bare essentials (the lubricant you’d found to work best for the two of you, your favourite pillow, and your fluffiest blanket) and hurrying out the door, still in your pyjamas, to go over and help your poor boyfriend deal with his heat

(of course your priority was taking care of barnaby, but you knew from experience that ‘helping’ would be quite rough on your body and you wanted to at least make sure you were comfortable when he wreaked you)

the moment you arrived barnaby practically pounced on you, barely giving you the time to kick the door shut behind you before he was upon you: pupils dilated so wide you could barely see his eyes, lips wet with spit, whole body trembling, chest heaving, cock out and straining and hard, as he begged you to please let him fuck you

and, of course, ever the loving and selfless boyfriend, you accepted — on the condition that he at least control himself long enough for you to prep yourself with the lubricant you bought so he didn’t actually tear you in half

a condition that he accepted, sitting back on his heels and palming himself as he intently watched what you were doing — groaning and moaning as you prepped and stretched and soothed yourself until you were finally ready to take him and manoeuvred yourself into a more comfortable position

that position happened to be doggy style, ironically, but it had worked well in the past and you didn’t exactly have the time to consider an alternative when barnaby was clearly on the brink of losing it already, so it would just have to do

and barnaby really didn’t hold back with you once you gave him the ‘okay’

fucking into you so harshly that you were pretty much thrown across the floor with every thrust, arms collapsing beneath you until you were held up only by his tight grip on your thighs — just letting yourself be used to his desire

stretching your ass out on his aching cock, groaning and grunting at how tight you were around him despite how many times you’d been intimate before and all of the (admittedly rushed) preparation you’d done

slamming his hips roughly against your ass in such a way that that lingering coherent part of yourself knew that you’d be bruised and unable to sit by the time he was sated

practically using you as a glorified cocksleeve whilst letting out a string of pants, cusses, groans, grunts, and moans — only occasionally interspersing a half-slurred, half-howled cry of your name whenever he crashed through another orgasm

cumming inside of you again, and again, and again, until you were filled to the brim with his seed and even then not stopping — too far gone to care about the masses of cum leaking from your spent hole, dripping down the backs of your thighs, and falling to the floor to form a puddle you were getting closer and closer to collapsing onto by the minute (nor even seeming to notice the smears of his release staining the fur around his crotch as he kept on fucking into you)

turning you into a dumb, thoughtless mess beneath him as he continued to use you — smaller and more fragile than him, only knowing how to take his cock and cry out like a slut, mouth hung agape and eyes fluttering closed as you moaned, and whimpered, and groaned, and grunted, and called out for him until your throat was raw and your voice hoarse, and even after that

you really were a mess: covered in sweat from head to toe, with paw shaped bruises sure to form on your thighs and hips where he’d grabbed and groped you, saliva smeared across your face and tears of overstimulation pouring from your eyes, his cum practically pouring from your ass, and your own seed smeared across your stomach and thighs as you whimpered and sobbed your way through yet another orgasm

too much, too much, too much, and yet you were unable to think of anything but him and how fucking good it felt to have him on and inside of you

to get manhandled, tossed around, used and fucked until you were his dumb ‘breeding’ bitch (or so he’d called you in his breeding season fuelled haze) — how good it felt to be used and allowed to be thoughtless and dumb and blank

and even if it was starting to hurt now — the stretch, the throbbing, the grabbing — you couldn’t find it in yourself to complain (not even if you could think anything about it) as you knew that once barnaby came out the other side and the haze cleared that you’d be receiving the best aftercare you’d ever known

a reward in the form of rest and good food and cuddles for being such an attentive boyfriend

… that small coherent part of you just hoped that this heat wouldn’t last too long because the bottle you’d brought was almost empty and neither of you were in any position to go out and get a refill

[squaloropera]

alright, I was originally gonna make this as a comic but I’m really busy so I can’t manage that. I swear, this is my last anti-fujoshi post and then we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled inane nonsense.

firstly, I’ve seen a lot of people saying that they dislike the term ‘fujoshi’ to describe these people because of its misogynistic origins. I find this to be reasonable, so I will be referring to them as maiali pervertiti instead. It’s Italian! Hope y’all like it xx That out of the way, let’s begin.

I have put real, genuine, actual research into this. I scoured maiali pervertiti blogs to find their arguments, their mindsets, their justifications. As far as I could find, there are four main arguments. These being the following: ‘It’s just fiction, not reality’, ‘Hating us is misogynistic’ ‘hating us is transphobic/homophobic’ and ‘hating us is racist’. I will be unpacking each of these, looking at them from both perspectives, and explaining why exactly they’re flawed perspectives. Hopefully, a properly researched and informed take on this will help to clear the waters.

Let’s start with the first take. The ever-quoted ‘it’s just fiction, not reality’. This is an argument you’ll find in a lot of places, mostly in any place which is in support of questionable things being treated as erotic. Pro ships and pro-shippers also love to tote this. Now, on its surface this argument seems logical. However it starts to fall apart when you think about it critically. When we consider how the brain works, you’ll see what I mean. To be concise, the human mind slowly accepts things the more it’s exposed to justifications for them, regardless of how reasonable those justifications are. It associates a bad thing with ‘but nevermind, it’s fine’ and you stop feeling shame or regret over time. This is why you’ll often see lolicons say downright atrocious things about child characters- they’ve justified it for so long that they don’t see a problem with it.

Now, on the ‘it doesn’t affect reality’ claim, let’s look at other groups for this. Think about how many studies have been done saying that men who watch rape porn are more likely to become rapists. Think of all the people raised on the ‘I can fix him’ mentality on tv growing up to get in bad relationships or romanticise abuse under the idea that they can make an abuser better by loving him. It’s no secret of society that, actually, fiction does affect reality. The most concise, albeit silly way I’ve heard it put was ‘But you’re still jacking off to it. It’s affecting your dick and balls’. And I think that sums it up.

Next, let’s look at the ‘If you hate us you’re misogynistic’ claim. The mentality behind this claim is that women in Japan were referred to as ‘rotten girl’ for liking yaoi and bl, and to continue that rhetoric of not liking them is the continuation of misogyny. Again, this is a take that seems logical right up until you pick it apart. First we have to understand that the reason these men were calling these women rotten was because they disapproved of them exploring their sexuality and reading erotic content at all. They don’t hate women for reading gay porn, they hate women for reading porn period. The gay people criticising maiali pervertiti on tumblr aren’t hating them for the same reason. We don’t hate you for reading porn, read all the porn you’d like, we just want you to stop fetishising us. The difference is in the context; the men who were shaming Japanese women were shaming them for exploring their sexualities, were shaming you for treating an entire minority of people like they’re a porn category and for spreading gross, abusive content of mlm because you think it’s hot. It’s also important to note that Japanese women mostly started reading yaoi and bl because of the culture toward female sexuality in Japan. They couldn’t read erotica of straight couples, or they’d be seen as perverts. They couldn’t read wlw erotica, or they’d be seen as lesbians and shamed. Their only option for exploring their sexuality became mlm erotica. You, Lindsey from California, do not share this same issue.

Next we have the ever-irritating ‘If you hate us, you’re a transphobe’ argument.

*deep, deep sigh*

stay with me, fellow trans achillians. We can get through this. This argument is based in the idea that transmascs, specifically mlm transmascs, might read yaoi to explore their genders through sexual content. Unfortunately, exploring your gender through erotica and having a fetish are two different things. I personally did explore my gender through gay sexual content. Mostly fanfiction and mental fantasy, but with the odd fanart or comic sprinkled in there for flavour. The difference is that I never had a fetish for it. Most maiali pervertiti seem to argue with a very subtle straw man by implying that reading mlm content is the same as reading the gross rape porn yaoi that ‘fujoshi’ spaces are steeped in. This is not the case- there is a clear divide. I personally consumed actual, healthy content of gay sex. To go further with this argument, I actually think it’s actively harmful to perpetuate the idea that young trans people struggling with their gender should be exploring it through the things that are spread in fujoshi spaces. I’ve read some pf this stuff mostly by accident or against my will and that shit should not be associated in a young trans person’s mind with their gender. It isn’t safe.

Next we have ‘it’s homophobic to hate us’ which is definitely. A take. The rhetoric here is that by hating on the fetishisation consumption of yaoi, you’re really just hating gay men.

this is just… can I drop the nuance voice here? It’s bullshit. It’s gross bullshit. Gross, steaming, cowpat bullshit. Okay, nuance voice back up, let’s explore. maiali pervertiti, please understand that it’s mostly gay people who don’t like you. This is, again, a straw man argument. They’re trying to yell homophobia so they can ignore the real criticisms. The problem isn’t the homosexuality, my dear sweet perverted little fucking weirdos, it’s the rape porn and incest and abuse. Just read normal fucking mlm content I’m begging you.

Finally, we have the ‘it’s racist to hate us’ argument. This is an example of what I like to call ‘the firemen diversion’. This name comes from an example where a person might take the statistic of their being higher fatality risk the more firemen walk into a burning building, and then using it as an argument to suggest that it’s dangerous to call the fire brigade if there’s a fire. There’s a tiny nugget of reasonable argument in there, but it’s backing up a complete and utter bullshit lie.

This is basically what this argument is. The idea here is that the term ‘fujoshi’ was originally a reclaimed slur, and that westerners are changing it to degrade women again and are therefore misunderstanding the actual language behind it.

Now, this is based in a little bit of truth. Westerners do, in all fairness, misunderstand the term. I can’t speak for the reclamation of the slur, considering how I don’t know if that’s true, but I do know that the way it’s used has been quite incorrect a lot of the time. That’s the true bit. The rest of the argument, however, is nonsensical. While yes, some people misunderstand the word ‘fujoshi’, it doesn’t mean that the criticism of the culture (especially the culture in the western world) is racist. Please, don’t cry racism when you see people asking not to be fetishised. You will end up making the actual movement against anti-Asian hate crimes (which have increased in recent years, need I remind you) look less credible. Once again, I am asking allies to shut the fuck up talking for the minorities they claim to represent while being batshit insane x

TL;DR: no, it is not misogynistic, racist, transphobic or homophobic when gay people tell you to stop fetishising us. Stop arguing straw men and just take accountability.

Also, maiali pervertiti are the female equivalent of straight men who watch lesbian porn. But somehow worse. That’s all, have a good day.

[digitalsatyr23]

My Writeblr 2023 in Retrospect

This year feels like a weird blur. Like a lot happened, but looking back, I keep feeling like there are these huge blank spots. The only way I can really chart my course is through my writing, as well as what I uploaded here. While I became more active again near the end of 2022, the vast majority of the stuff I've done for my blog took place during this year. Unfortunately, not all the writing I did this year could be uploaded (private comms, group projects, NSFW content), and there were many dry spells here (especially recently) because of this.

What I'm Proud Of: This was the first year that I seriously did things like writing commissions. Like sure, I had done one for a friend and that worked out okay, but doing that with a friend you're familiar with is waaaaay different than working with people you don't know, especially since you gotta come up with rules and a general framework. Had some highs, had some lows, but I still feel happy I was able to scrape by on my writing alone. Like it was still rough because as basically everyone who lived through the same year can attest, 2023 was like "what if everything was more expensive for no goddamn reason" and that mean anything that was already hard was like... Way harder. Many a nights I had to ration out my food and eat like once a day to ensure I had a meal awaiting me the next day. So being able to not go hungry due to being able to write was pretty great, all things considered. I also made a lot of good writeblr friends on here. There's a pretty chill community on this site, and I'm glad that I get to be a small part of it. Hopefully my stuff will continue to be well-received going forward!

What I Regret: I think my biggest regret - aside from the major dryspells in creativity and motivation - has to be the fanfiction. Like it's no secret to me that the OoT fanfic I was writing between projects was like way more popular than my originals. And hey, that's totally cool. But it's also because of that that when I had to switch back to other projects, or just focus on surviving, I kept thinking to myself "Damn, I really dropped the ball with that one. I had a good thing going and then I just sorta walked away." I feel bad about that. Believe it or not, I do plan to return to it, but there's also another project that's been waiting for me to return to, so now that I've just about finished with this really huge commission, I need to give that project some love first. So the tl;dr is that I do plan to finish the OoT fanfic eventually, it's just not something I can get back to this very moment. If I have any updates for it, I'll let you guys know!

Stories/Chapters I Wrote This Year: 25

My 2023 Word Count: 261,933

I'm specifically counting short stories, novelettes, novellas, or chapters that are part of a larger but incomplete project (any story with multiple chapters that is complete would just be 1 in this case). Like I wrote a crapload of lore for my Arachnia setting buuuut if I had to sift through all that and include it here, I'd be here a long time... In any case, I just wanted to reflect on this year, partly so I could try and remember things, and partly so I could come to terms with both my proud moments and regrets. I feel like 2024 is gonna be the "me picking up the pieces" year or something, but I feel that I owe it to myself to keep moving forward and make things that I love. With luck, hopefully you'll love what I make too. Take care, everyone, and happy New Year!!

[world-of-eibon]

Introductions

Copy-Pasting this from twitter dot com as an introduction to this blog and what kinda content is going to be featured here!

Gonna start tweeting about my #ttrpg setting in a hopefully not-unhinged matter. Especially since things are happening quickly again. I'll pin this so everyone know's what's up. Let's talk about Eibon.

Eibon is the setting that I've been working on consistently since 2018. As far as rpg settings go, that's pretty young, but Eibon hasn't exactly come out of nowhere, since as my friends could tell you, it's several hundreds of pages of lore now.

Yes, some of it is stuff that I really just loved a lot from older rpgs. I can't lay claim to that. But also, Eibon isn't meant to be this completely original thing that came exclusively from me.

Eibon is meant to be a reflection of my experiences and my beliefs, as well as the things that inspired me to take up the pen in the first place. That's why there's things that to so.e would feel out of place. Because if you love something, I think you should reference it.

I've lost a bit of my point here. Eibon started before 2018, back when I was in middle school, and being introduced to 4th ed d&d from 40k. There wasn't a setting for me and my friends, the places we went to were just places in the world.

But I got older, and as 4e ended, I got more into fantasy and world building. As well as history. The world didn't come from nowhere, life isn't a vapid fleeting thing that ends when you look away. Legacy is everywhere in our world, good and bad- shouldn't it be true in fantasy?

I decided on a name first, before I knew what I was really doing, because every place should have a name. At the time, I picked Eibon. Partly because it rolled off the tongue well, and partly because i was inspired by Soul Eater. A few years ago I learned it came from lovecraft.

In high school, I kinda lost myself, and found myself, and lost myself again. I lost loved ones, and for the first time in my life I started to think about the future. That's kinda when I realized that the history we're taught in school, it doesn't end.

All the bad things I learned about as "ancient history" for my country happened just a lifetime ago, and worst of all, things weren't getting better for us. It's also around this time that I realized the religion that I was born into was a vector for hate in our world.

This had a impact on me, and on Eibon. After that, I graduated high school, went to college, dropped out of college, and started working full time. I wouldn't really recommend living at the poverty line, but doing so has given me perspective that my relatively cushy youth didnt.

Which leads me to 2018. I had been playing CoS with some college friends and my partner asked if we could play d&d. They were living in LA at the time, which was on the opposite coast from me. I had never heard of a vtt, but decided that we could give it a shot thru discord

It was here that our rpg group of the last 6 years began. And what a journey! These people who form the core of our group are my closest friends now, and they began as strangers, or even antagonistic to me. Now one of them will be moving in with me.

Eibon has been on a journey to. At first it was lifting things from module books. Then it became "I have an idea for a town". Then my friends asked to make their characters in this world we were making. Before realized, we were excitedly talking about some of these made up places

It wasn't much later that we realized that we didn't like what other games were doing. Other RPGs are fine, but we wanted to chart our own direction. When we realized that we started to divorce Eibon from preexisting fantasy copyrights. Then we started Project Starwyrm.

A lot of people are talking about one singular generic rpg system for everything. with respect, it's a little silly. But Starwyrm is the system that me and my friends want, for Eibon. Not everyone will like it the way we do. That's fine. That's what makes it special.

It's been 6 years and Eibon is still an infant to me. But it's got a point. Like our world, Eibon has cycles and legacies. Some are good. Some are bad, so many are dangerous. These cycles and legacies don't stop whenever, they keep going until we end them.

Eibon does have a cycle of empires. Because dead civilizations are everywhere in our world, why wouldn't they be in a fantasy world? Unlike what pseudoscience will tell you, the cycle of empire isn't the life of civilization, it's the life and death of institutions and tyrants.

Eibon has horrible monsters of nations that have scarred the world, permanently, from their abuses of magic, science, and people. Some are gone, some are here, and some are yet to come. That's part of the point of it all, see? History isn't one great battle against a single evil.

Instead, history repeats like an endless waltz, which each beat repeating forever. Simultaneously, Eibon explores how what is new is old, and vice versa. This probably stems from the fact I played Guild Wars a lot when I was younger, but technology is an important part of Eibon.

Just like how ancient peoples proved the basic principles of science before we really defined what science was, in the current "age" of Eibon, people are (re)discovering science, knowledge that in ages past was common-place, but lost through that endless cycle of abuses.

Eibon will explore technology, its intersection with magic, and how that will look- since I don't believe that magic and tech are opposites clashing from two sides with chaos in the middle. I think they are more like a coin. Additionally, Eibon will explore industry and just how awful industry actually is for people. How technology and magic improves some lives, and makes some lives worse. How disparities form between people, and how people with discriminate against those without. And maybe how we can solve these problem.

Eibon wont shy away from problems- but unlike cringe weirdos, Eibon isn't going to be a place where violence against minorities is celebrated. Instead, Eibon is going to be a place where the oppressed will actually inherit the earth, and then celebrate the death of bigots.

Should take this time now to talk about the group- I won't be using names since it's rude to do that without permission, but I'll take the time to say that me and my players are a pretty diverse group. Ethnicity, sexuality, class- we're kinda all over the place. And proud of it.

Because of that, Eibon is going to be about cultures and how they intersect to. There's already some exploration and celebration of real-life cultures planned in the future of our writings, but as time goes on, we will be talking more and more about this.

I say the future, since so much of the now is what we do on a week-by-week basis in our group play. But this is kinda starting to come to an end. Not our group, we'll probably keep going until we die and leave the world, but a day is coming where everyone can explore Eibon.

I'm slowly going off and doing a generic "the future..." thing, so I'm going to be more specific. Right now Eibon is the realm of me and my friends, but there will access for all eventually. By my estimates, Starwyrm is still a few years out from being complete.

When Starwyrm is done, the core rules for it, as well as access to Eibon will be available to the public. Everyone should have equal chance to play around with something, and have an opportunity to learn if they like it, which is why the core stuff is going to be free.

Also, we're not really doing this for money either. We're writing Eibon and Starwyrm for ourselves. It's just that we feel that if you think you might like it, you should get to use it too. Will there come a time where we release books or supplements you have to pay for? Maybe.

But I don't want the rules that everyone uses to be behind a paywall. So if anything Eibon/Starwyrm related is paid, we'll tell you why, every time.

Eibon will be available to the public's eyes before Starwyrm launches though. It's hard to tell when exactly this will be, since I'm currently stuck trying to move and get a new job, but we do want to do a podcast game for those who like such things.

We're gonna keep the cast and crew reduced to our circle of friends for the time being, but probably some time within this year or the next year I'll announce a proper podcast that will stream on youtube. We're gonna do our best to make the podcast all original content rather than say, other people's modules. Will we end up running modules? Probably eventually. The podcast, like the rest of Eibon, isn't going to be done for money. It's going to be done for fun, we just want to share our creativity with the rest of you, if you'll have us.

This is all kinda ground-floor stuff. The big announcement of what Eibon is, and that we want to show everyone what we've done, and eventually let everyone play with our work. Right now, there's kinda nothing. Me and my group work 9-5s (sorta) and this is what we do for fun.

I scrolled up and saw that this thread has accrued more views than my normal tweets and reposts, which is cool. Maybe once the podcast is out in the wild, I'll make a community discord or something, if enough people notice what we're doing and want to talk about it.

the big thing with this is that in sharing Eibon with everyone, I (specifically) want to foster a community. Because by making and fostering communities, we make the world a better place.

This whole thread has kinda been my off the cuff, rambling thoughts about the work we've been doing in private, and finally just wanting to kinda shout out into the void of twitter about it. I want to try making a post a day now about Eibon, for the one or two who might be a little curious about what exactly we're up to and want more details about things. Don't like, expect big art or anything, since all I myself can really do is paint minis and write, and the artists in my friend circle don't do work like that for free.

but definitely expect little factoids, or me talking about whatever I can for this made-up world we've been working on. When the time comes and we are ready to announce the podcast, and the public release of Starwyrm, I'll be loud about it, promise.

That's kinda it I think! Hey thanks for reading all of this. I'm really shy, and being autistic I don't always communicate clearly. So if you have a question, just reply and I'll see if I can make a good response. This was just kinda me rambling on twitter, so I've probably lost a thought or two here and there no doubt. If you're interested in hearing more about Eibon, please just follow or like and I'll try not to disappoint. If you're the kind of person who likes to support indie stuff, also please just follow or like.

[jonmcbrine-author]

Tangibility is a heck of a thing. Holding the proof copy of the paperback edition of Unsecret Identity: Eric Icarus - Book One stirred surreal reactions. Despite the ebook/Kindle edition having been released in the fall of last year, unboxing the printed copies of the book made it feel real. That being said, it’s not like the digital version didn’t find any readers - I’m appreciative of anyone and everyone who downloaded the novel or read pages via Kindle Unlimited. To tell the truth, I am a mix of being floored and thrilled by the fact that there are humans who gave my story a shot. Now that the book has finally entered the physical realm, this YA sci-fi superhero adventure has been given new life. But just because there will be a material item available for purchase, will anyone else pick it up?

At the time of this writing, the review process of the proof copy is only beginning, with the final edition intended to be released in August. The secret origins of this story, though, was initially conceived when I was a young child. Like many other writers, this passion project sparked within me and floated around in my brain for several years. From a childhood fantasy, through on-and-off-again revisits in my teenaged imagination, and into adulthood ambition, this book was going to be materialized one way or another. All those concepts and early incarnations of the characters swirled in my mental periphery for decades, but in 2018, the first set of preliminary notes started.

Outlines, ideas, sketches, and various details took up numerous pages in different document files until one day I made the decision to actually create content. Working on a fiction novel can easily consume every waking moment of your life, and as any author could tell you, there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to commit to writing. It’s a lengthy process, and it can also be a lonely journey at times. Typing across different devices, copious copies saved, and round after round of editing resulted in going live with the online version of the manuscript. Seeing the fully realized cover art and text uploaded as an ebook was a rewarding experience. In a perfect world, a print and audiobook edition would’ve launched at the same time, but at that point, I was happy just to have released a product. Print plans didn’t stop, however, and it would be nearly a year before I would be prepared to order my first proof copy.

The sensations from flipping through the pages of my book were almost overwhelming. While awaiting the delivery of the “test” copies, I tempered my expectations, accepting that this print would undoubtedly be imperfect. Yes, the proof has errors, but all are easy fixes. Even so, I allowed myself to feel the swelling pride of a years of hard work paying off. I never expected to make a lot of money from self-publishing books, and like I stated previously, the proofreading process isn’t complete. Above it all, that tangible object has brought immense satisfaction. Part of me wanted to not make too big of a deal of the whole thing. It’s just one book, hopefully the first of many, and there is still a lot of work left to be done. It’s maybe even a little embarrassing to get too excited over my little novel. I’m glad to say that while I acknowledge that there are more challenges up ahead and I’m nowhere near finished, getting the first printed copy of my first book is too cool. Tangibility is indeed a heck of a thing.

Stay in the loop for more details by following Jonfiction Blog on Substack and be sure to check out jonmcbrine.com for more info about this and all my books.

Unsecret Identity: Eric Icarus - Book One is available now from the Amazon Kindle store.

https://a.co/2XAtxvH

New blog every Monday. Newsletter first Monday of the month, only on Substack.

[llbydiary]

12.27.2023

This is my first entry in this diary. Originally I was going to keep a physical one, but writing is too tiresome. This also allows me to be flexible in word count which is nice. The past few days have been pretty rough. I was extremely depressed to the point of contemplating self harm. I held a knife to my wrist while waiting for toast. Today I am better. I went downtown to pick up the family's gifts and run some other errands. It was quite busy and I got overstimulated quickly. I did get Starbucks, as a treat, so that's nice. Currently I'm waiting for my friends to get online so we can play ARAM or Fortnite or something. I slept through therapy again. I haven't even looked at the email she sent about it. I'm too tired. Part of me wonders if putting this blog online, with my usual IGN, is attention-seeking. Do I want people to read these thoughts? It certainly would help them understand me better, but isn't it egotistical to say "here is hundred of words of my deepest thoughts, this is the only way you will ever understand"? I think I am a selfish person, but even still I don't think this is something I will deliberately share. I just think writing down my thoughts will help me get out of my head and relax a bit. I've been incredibly introspective so hopefully this alleviates some of the anxiety.

Today I've been stuck on the concept of self-harm. I do not cut my self or any of the other "stereotypical" methods, but I do wonder if some of my other habits would be considered harmful. When I am depressed I actively seek out upsetting content, like true crime or cult documentaries. I listen to other people's stories of mental illness and suicide and find myself daydreaming about if thats how I want to do it. I do not want to die. I have a lot to live for, after all, but I also can't say that I'm happy. I crave pain, I think. Not in a sexual way, but in a way that the pain feels safe. When I am anxious and i dig my nails into my skin, scratching until it bleeds, it feels like relief. Honestly the only reason I don't participate in more extreme methods is that other people would notice. I don't want anyone to worry about me. Best, Taylor

[xanfeursel]

heard you were bored so here are some questions :) (i realized halfway through that these are all durgetash because those little shits have taken over my mind) do you like leaning into the angst of durgetash or do you prefer the more lighthearted (aside from the atrocities) dynamic? if larian dropped a gortash romance, is there any icks that would absolutely ruin it for you?

or conversely, what would be the best thing they could add in a hypothetical gortash route?

what were your biggest inspirations for lophi and vyper? do you prefer one over the other or are they equal in your eyes?

(hopefully you won't have to answer these since you'll get out of work soon)

HELLO ANON. im sorry to tell you infact waited till i actually got home to answer these because i have!!! THOUGHTS and OPINIONS about the questions asked . thank you very much btw these are all really good questions ill have fun answering

FIRSTLY, it all depends on the kind of durge gortash is being paired w imo. with vyper i tend to lean more into These Two Are Fucking Insane while w/ lophi i lean more into the sort of melancholic 'angsty' side of durgetash that i think can be real yummy too. and it's all because of who vyper and lophi are as characters pre-tadpole, too. vyper liked being a loud insane freakus while lophi was a lot more reserved and kind of a miserable mess, and that informs their relationships w/ the characters around them. i think both are good and fun to explore and i definitely like exploring the more angsty side w vyper x gortash and vice versa w lophi x gortash, so. i guess both. really. LOL .

secondly, going to answer both of the gort romance related questions in one, but i think i'm probably in the unpopular opinion that gortash doesn't really neeeeeeeed a romance and i could go without it in game. i do think he deserves more content and screentime, but that's something i can say about orin also, and frankly a Lot of parts of act 3. me and act 3 have a toxic on/off again relationship. alright.

that being *said*, if i was mr larian and i was to implement a gortash romance, i'd have it be something exclusive to a durge/evil run. or at the very least, have it have consequences with your party (i.e karlach leaving or something. love gort but i do not think you should go off romancing him scott free).

i Do think having it be exclusive to a more evil-aligned run would help add more actual content to doing an evil run (and god knows we need some with how bg3 seems to like punishing people who just want to do the evil options They Gave You) and would make the most sense, but all in all i'd just hope it's handled better than the mizora sex scene cause god how that whole thing is handled still pisses me off. hopefully this all makes sense

tl;dr, its a fun idea but i can very easily go without it especially knowing how the game treated its one other antagonist romance option

now for the lophi and vyper question... i do obviously have my biases towards vyper /looks at my blog theme/, but i genuienlly cannot pick favourites with them besides that... i use them both to explore different aspects of the durge origin in different ways bc despite what some other people say i Do think you can be very flexible w durge as a concept despite the pre-established lore for them ^_^ and i think it's very fun to play around with.

as for specific inspirations, lophi takes a lot of insp from vintage pierrot art + has accidentally gotten a very 1920s makeup vibe in My Mind. i should also note her name comes from the scientific name for anglerfish, cuz thats what i had in mind when giving her those freaky sharp ass teeth i always draw her with

and while of course, both of my durges are trans, lophi specifically was birthed from my want to make a dark urge that leans in as heavily as she possibly could in the whole trans allegory thing. so theres that as well!

vyper's specific inspos are harder for me to pinpoint cause he's much more of a 'made up as i went' character than lophi, given he was my First dark urge and i didnt really fully know what i was going into all this yet while making him (and also i was maybe a little bit high while doing so...lol) THAT SAID THOUGH, i did initially make him with akira fudo from devilman in mind. he has the horn style he does because it reminded me of devilman ... although the akira insp is very lose and barely effects his character now.. ~_~ despite bg3 being my main fixation atm devilman is still a very very important piece of media to me so vyper being loosely akira-pilled is not too surprising if you know me well enough lololol

[drawnecromancy]

Author ask game

Tagged by @isabellebissonrouthier ! thanks :)

Tagging : @the-stray-storyteller, open tag bc idk who else would like to be tagged ^^

I'll be talking about Le Prix du Sang here.

1) What is the main lesson of your story (e.g. kindness, diversity, anti-war), and why did you choose it?

There isn't any that I'm currently planning on having. Whether I'll find one on the way or not is still up for debate. I'm not giving lessons, I'm just throwing awful people in the same general area and looking at what they do.

2) What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding (like real-life cultures, animals, famous media, websites, etc.)?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [blanking]

There's definitely the. General european fantasy setting you'd expect from a european writer, i guess.

Although this place's worldbuilding is, specifically, based on a no-fun-allowed discussion I've had with my sister AGES ago when I was a teenager. What if it had magic, but was an awful fucking place ?

Idk. I tend to pick inspiration from a lot of places and it's hard for me to pinpoint one thing exactly. I can tell you when rereading that "ah, i probably picked that bit up from Ewilan" or "oh, this is absolutely because I hated X thing in les Chevaliers d'Emeraude", or even "oh okay this whole dye business is absolutely because of some of the classes i had".

Definitely, the fact that Monthaut is known for its high quality wool fabric is because of my classes.

3) What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, help readers grow as a person?

She's trying to achieve having a stable life for once, and once she gets at she's trying to keep it no matter what it takes.

I'm trying to see how interesting I can make that while sometimes the secondary characters are doing most of the stuff.

I want readers to come watch those fucked up little guys with me. Again. I'm not going to teach you SHIT. Come look at my weirdoes. They're kind of awful. Wanna see how far they can take their bullshit ?

4) How many chapters is your story going to have?

I have no idea ! Several, definitely ! I've written, uh, 8 of them so far. We're not past the halfway point. So at least double that ?

5) Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

Original content. I don't plan on posting it, but on hopefully going the traditional publishing route.

6) When and why did you start writing?

Good question ! A long time ago is the best i can do.

I do think I used to write random snippets when i was a very young kid, just for fun, to entertain myself. Then it was writing stories with my younger sister, just for the both of us.

We'd always find ways to put links to each other's stuff in our writings. Were our main characters actually related ? Did they just know each other for whatever reason ? Etc.

7) Do you have any words of engagement for fellow writers of Writeblr? What other writers of Tumblr do you follow?

Uhh... I consider myself to be a little bit to the left from writeblr because this is just my personal blog, man. I just happen to be a writer and an artist.

A lot of my friends tend to be these things too, altho I'm not super sure they'd consider themselves part of writeblr (hi Mal my beloved, Jo, Zach!, Alren); so I'm not tagging them here. Again, don't know if that'd bother them.

For people who have writeblrs that I follow, well, there's Isabelle and Stray I've already tagged, and @holdmyteaplease (also, if you do want to do this tag game, feel free!i just don't know if you do tag games LMFAO); and I think that's about it.

[moonrabbitisgay]

(sips contemplatively on a chalice of aromatic wine as I stare pensively out through the draperies from my spot reclining in my nightgown upon my chaise lounge) Ah, dear muse...when will you return from the war...

[dryemiddi]

An Update

Hey- Just keeping y’all up to tabs as to my current predicament as of right now.  If you’ve seen the last post I made to @moontale-official , you’ll know that I went on a small hiatus due to my new desktop PC having some technical issues.  Currently I still have yet to have my computer fixed, and as of right now I don’t know when that will be. I am still able to draw from my laptop, but my project files for the comic pages I was working on are on the PC.  While I originally planned to double down on comics most of the summer, this sudden event made me decide to take some time off from that. Take the chance to let off steam. Apart from that, my birthday is coming up on Monday (along with family events the weekend prior). I also am taking summer school all July which takes up about 6 hours a day, five days a week. And finally, in mid August I am going on vacation with my family, which will last about a week. Also all the political and humanitarian disasters that seem have been occurring at least once a week so that is certainly taking a toll on my mental stability but hey at least NFTs are dying- So. Verdict?  Yeah not a lot of time for comics. BUT! I want to make it up for y’all by giving some smaller pieces of content, even if it isn’t all that much. I am currently writing a short story for my AU (blog to that can be found at the start of this post) which I hope to release around the anniversary of the comic’s first update. Who’s to say if I’ll meet the deadline, but I plan for it to be finished late July. Hopefully. God. Crossing my fingers. I’ll also try making some one off pieces of art to post to keep the tap dripping while I wait until I’m in a good enough spot to pick larger projects back up again. I was really hoping to start a new horror based short comic this month but it seems that will have to wait. But hey.  I’ll get the proper time I need to just. Think. And breathe really.

[strawbabysimp]

Sous-Chef || Jealous!Zoro x Reader

Genre: Light Angst

Category: Jealous!Zoro x GN!Reader

Warning(s): Misunderstandings, Obsessive Working Out, Relationship Insecurities

Request(s): "Hello!!! I found your blog a few days ago and I felt like I absolutely had to make a HC request! Your writing is amazing!! Do you think you can do a HC on Zoro having a partner who likes to cook and shares the kitchen with sanji? maybe a little jealousy?"

A/N: I started this as headcanons but I got a bit carried away and it became a fic~ I hope you don't mind💕

"Those two are getting along pretty well, huh?"

Zoro looked up from his lap, his drift into slumber interrupted by the long-nosed sniper's words. His brow furrowed in confusion before following Usopp's gaze, catching sight of you and Sanji laughing amongst yourselves about something he wasn't privy to by the kitchen door. He wasn't surprised to see you there, often spotting you alongside the chef cooking up some new recipe he didn't understand the specifics of but would end up eating nonetheless. At his Nakama's lack of response, Usopp hurried to calm down the already cool-headed man. "Not that anything's, ya know, happening, or anything like that! I didn't mean that- I mean... You know what I meant." Zoro shrugged off his concerns inturn for returning to his attempt at sleep, this time without interruption from his crewmate.

He fell asleep to the sound of laughter.

~~~

The next day was interesting, having woken up to the shuffling of clothes and hushed voices. His senses were keen and he picked up on the ones responsible for the disturbance immediately. What were you and Sanji doing?

"Hurry up before you wake up the Marimo. I have something to show you!" The cook's voice was raspy in his attempt at quietness and Zoro was tempted to steal a peek at whatever was so interesting you had to get up before sunrise to see. "Shhhh!" You scolded the other man's insistent words.

Right after the initial shock of this wore off, a much more cynical thought made its way into his head.

He wasn't welcome. That's why you hadn't woken him up. That's why he couldn't come along with you, clinging close to your side in the morning air as you laughed off the curly-brow's stare of discontent at the sight of him. Whatever this thing between you and Sanji was, Zoro had no place in it and that notion was supported by the both of you. Zoro wasn't welcome in this part of your life, even as a spectator, and you had made sure of that.

You stepped out the door and his heart ached. He wasn't mad - not at you at least. He was confused. He hated being confused. Anger at least meant he understood the situation, but right now, he was left alone in the bed you and he were meant to share, feeling far too lonely for a man whose partner was just outside.

You came back in after some time, getting back into bed with a content sigh, the heat of his body warming you up from the cold dawn air. He was stiff beside you and you called his name in a low voice. He didn't respond to your questioning tone and you gave a soft smile to his relaxed face.

Zoro could only sense your stare, not your feelings, and turned over with a small, well-placed groan.

~~~

The light shined through under the door and it was Zoro's turn to wake up before you. It had to have been a few hours since your mysterious departure and return to the room and while he was still plagued by the many questions your actions left in his mind, no good could be done laying around.

He quickly got ready for the day, fixing his clothes in the mirror for a split second before heading out to the deck. The smell of food hit him and he knew that whatever the cook was making was going to be good. Not a surprise. Despite the pleasant aroma, his calm mood shifted and he wanted nothing more than to get away from the tell-tale signs of breakfast.

"Zoro!"

Your voice rang across the deck and his chest tightened. He turned around to face you, the soft smile on your face a welcome sight no matter any internal struggles he was facing. He knew trust was a difficult and sometimes fatal thing but he truly did have faith in the fact you wouldn't do anything to hurt him. This was his own issue. He trusted you(and Sanji but he wasn't about to say that).

He put off his training for a later time, the cook calling out that food was ready soon after you had approached him. Everyone quickly gathered and as the food was placed down, forks at ready to fend off their Captain's gluttonous hands, the Strawhats dug in. Your thigh was pressed against Zoro's and in the approaching winter island weather - and truly any instance at all - the contact was most welcome. Zoro poked at your plate playfully, expecting a laugh as he half-heartedly went for your food, but was surprised to see it garnered no reaction. His eyes traveled up your neck and he spotted your upturned lips which had a small smile of his own gracing his face, but as he looked at your eyes he realized you weren't paying attention to him in the slightest. You were looking at Sanji. And he was smiling back.

The pleasant expression on the swordman's face dropped away and he went back to eating, catching Robin's eye whilst doing so. The two shared a blank look and Zoro nodded at her before continuing his meal.

Your cheek pressed against his shoulder as he chewed around his fork, the warmth that filled him at the action burning in a masochistic sort of way. He knew he should talk to you but some part of him was scared of the answer and avoiding feelings was something Zoro did best. Be logical and win. That's all he had to do. But was there even something to win? And if so, hadn't Sanji already won?

The affectionate gesture received no reaction just as his had before and you removed yourself from his warmth.

~~~

Breakfast ended and with a quick press to your forehead Zoro was off, no doubt going to train up until lunch. The smile you received was tender yet rushed and you tried to trust in the fact that Zoro would come to you if something was wrong. Confronting him made him uncomfortable and you tried to avoid that when possible, giving him a place to express himself freely without forcing it out of him.

You made your way back into the kitchen, asking Sanji if he needed help with anything. He turned down your offer politely, content with the process of making the crew drinks on his own, but at the look on your face, he changed his mood. Directing you off into the food storage to get him some supplies, what he had originally planned to be a simple hot chocolate was now turning into an assortment of treats. He could tell you needed something to distract you and what better than cooking alongside the ship's gifted chef to soothe your need for occupation.

The snacks practically made themselves, you and Sanji working in sync as you gave the occasional comment or request. By the time it was done, there laid mugs of hot chocolate topped with fresh whipped cream and an assortment of cookies for everyone to choose from that would hopefully satisfy them until lunch was ready.

Sanji took the liberty of handing out the food to the ladies, stopping by Chopper as well because who could resist the cuteness of the blue-nosed creature. It was hard to believe anyone could consider him anything other than adorable perfection. You were of course stuck with the boys, balancing the dishes as you handed them off with a word of thanks from the recipients - or the occasional attempt at grabbing another serving.

The only person left was Zoro and when you didn't find him in his usual napping spot you crossed the deck with a sigh. That man truly was too predictable.

"Hey Y/N! Looking for Zoro?" Usopp questioned, the chocolatey drink coating his upper lip as he smiled. You nodded. "He said he wanted to be left alone to train. I'll graciously take his food though!" The sniper reached out for the goods, taking them from your frozen hands as you frowned. You always delivered Zoro's food to him when he trained, even if it went cold he ate it just so you would stop by to bring it to him. Maybe something really was wrong with your boyfriend.

~~~

Zoro's muscles ached under the strain of the weights, he had lost count of the reps by now and had no intention of stopping any time soon. His arms begged him to put them down, already far surpassing his goal for the workout session, but he couldn't. He found peace in the rhythmic movements and the pain only seemed to calm his mind. The endorphins in his brain fueled him on and he could easily see himself becoming addicted to the act; if he wasn't already that is.

All the anger and confusion faded into the background as his body screamed at him to stop. The sweat dripped down his face and the plain white shirt he adorned was soaked through with the moisture. He would have taken it off but that would require a break and that wasn't something his mind allowed at the moment. He let the fabric cling to his body as he focused on the movements.

A knock at the entrance had him dropping the heavy equipment without a second thought, looking over to where he had set his swords. He worked to catch his breath, the pain in his chest yet to subside due to the lengths he had pushed himself when the smell of tobacco flooded his senses.

"What are you doing, Marimo?" Sanji said without his usual instigating tone, the cigarette balanced against his lip as he spoke. The declared "Marimo" huffed, not happy to be interrupted by the main cause of his grief.

"Get out."

"I'll leave when you get your grassy head out of your ass and stop doing whatever it is you're doing."

"And what exactly am I doing, Cook?"

Sanji shot him a look, annoyed by his Nakama's false ignorance. His next words weren't a suggestion. "Fix this."

He turned around without another word, leaving Zoro alone once again, his only company being the cigarette smoke lingering in the air as a cruel reminder of the other's words.

~~~

Zoro didn't have the will to leave the space, the workout equipment surrounding his now near-sleeping form. He knew avoiding the issue would only make it worse but the comfort of being alone to dwell in his ill feelings was too tempting to resist. Just as he was about to lay down for a quick nap a knock broke him out of his wallowing state. Could he not get an ounce of peace on this damn ship?

His eyes widened at the person approaching.

"Y/N?"

"The one and only," you said in a somber voice, approaching the man. You weren't used to the lack of alcohol flooding your senses as you got close. He always smelled a bit of the drink and the small difference had you shifting on your feet, only adding to the uncomfortable mess of the situation.

You sighed, tugging Zoro up and along behind you as he simply gazed at you in confusion. He wanted to rip his arm away from your grasp, not a fan of being grabbed so harshly, but the lack of physical contact between you two left him a little more lenient if it meant he could touch you.

The trek to the food storage was silent, the tension between you two lessening slightly despite no words being exchanged. You caught a few looks from the others, some sending concerned frowns or even a stern glare from Sanji directed at your boyfriend. He didn't come in here often unless it was to steal alcohol - he came in here pretty often - and the way his eyes shifted around the room made it obvious he was uncomfortable with the situation yet decided to stay to see whatever this was through.

You let go of his arm to make your way over to the corner, pulling a box into view that had Zoro walking over himself to see. The top came off with a crack and you moved over slightly so he could get a better look from beside you. The container was filled with what looked to be little balls of algae but couldn't possibly be from how they sat on top of one another.

"Sanji found these on the last island. He said they reminded him of you, well, he said they looked like some sort of moss ball which is basically the same thing-"

Your words faded off into the background as Zoro peered down at the box, the contents staring back at him mockingly. He picked one of the fruits up, surprised at the hard exterior, and turned to face you.

"Is this why you snuck off yesterday?"

God, he felt stupid.

"Snuck off?" Your eyes widened in realization.

"It was supposed to a surprise! I thought maybe I could make you something with them. I would never... What did you think was happening?"

Zoro met your gaze with a shrunken expression. His words sounding pitiful to his own ears. "I didn't know what to think Y/N," his hand came up to card through his hair as his eyes shut, "I didn't want to think anything."

You gave a soft smile, knowing the conversation could get far too grim at a time that was supposed to be pleasant. "Sanji wanted to show these to me. I think he wanted to do something nice for us. He can be a bit of a dick," Zoro laughed at your words, "but he's sweet." There was a million different things he could say in that moment to counteract your words but decided against it. The weight that had been crushing his ribs finally dispersed and with a smirk he asked, "So, what can you make with these?"

You grinned, going off on a tangent about all the things you and Sanji had tried, the swordsman watching with bright eyes at the enthusiastic verbal reenactment of your cooking trials.

[vocaloidfactoftheday]

The Tales of Canceled Vocaloids

i've debated whether i should include canceled vocaloids (as in, whole vocaloids not just canceled extra voicebanks like seeu english) on this blog. i think my main worry is that there aren't any facts interesting enough outside of the circumstances of their cancelation.

my solution is: a bonus post! this post compiles facts surrounding the cancelation of many vocaloids. hopefully you can learn something new about the vocaloids that never came to be!

this information, as always, is from the vocaloid wiki. i will list the vocaloids in the order that they are listed on the wiki's list of canceled voicebanks.

the vocaloids included in this post are:

CV04β

REV

Zhanyin Lorra

Ring Suzune and Hibiki Lui

Lucía and LUAN

Zing

H

Yao Luniang

COCOROBO

ALYS (information taken from Alter/Ego Wiki)

CV04β

(no illustration available)

Current Status: Assumed canceled/abandoned

Also known as simply CV04

A masculine Japanese vocal that Crypton Future Media began developing during the VOCALOID2 era. As the name implies, this would be an addition to the Character Vocal series (currently consisting of Miku, Rin, Len and Luka).

Crypton decided to prioritize updating their existing Vocaloids over making new ones.

The unexpected popularity of Hatsune Miku caused many of Crypton's other projects to be set back.

By the time VOCALOID2 was retired, they had not been able to further develop CV04.

REV

Current Status: Confirmed canceled; may move to new engine moved to DeepVocal

REV was made to be a male counterpart to CUL.

Just as CUL was used as a mascot for VY1 during VOCALO Revolution, REV was to be used as a mascot for VY2.

Hiroto-P, who was mainly responsible for CUL's development, wanted to give REV his own voicebank, but for unspecified reasons, was unable to do so.

Depending on the success of upcoming CeVIO voicebank ROSA, development on REV may be picked up again, though likely for CeVIO (just like ROSA) rather than VOCALOID.

UPDATE: REV has a free DeepVocal voicebank currently in beta. This voicebank was released in May 2021. Thanks @utau-bowl for the correction!

Zhanyin Lorra

Current Status: Confirmed canceled

Planned to be a VOCALOID3 release along with Yuezheng Ling.

The two were originally companions. Lorra's biography as told on Vocaloid Wiki is as follows: "a quiet and reticent 16 year old girl who came to the human world from a magical dimension with a mysterious mission. Due to dimensional turbulence, the exit was displaced and she happened to crash into Yuezheng Ling's house. The first time Lorra came to the human world, she was very unfamiliar with her surroundings. [...] With Ling's help, she became a VOCALOID. Lorra has an "eye awakening" ability which can give her an insight to which person has a musical potential and she can activate this potential through her voice, giving it the equivalent of magic."

Lorra was intended to be part of Vsinger, then known as VOCANESE.

A contest was held for her voice provider. Out of four contestants, Gui Xian Ren was chosen, and recording for Lorra was soon completed.

After several months of development, there was an issue found in the voicebank that needed to be fixed.

More time passed, and after VOCANESE rebranded to Vsinger, it was confirmed that the holder of Lorra's character rights was no longer interested in the project. Her rights were bought by a video game company called Joyme Network. For now, she is exclusively used as a character for their games.

Ring Suzune and Hibiki Lui

(sorry. i don't know why they crop like this.)

Current Status: Assumed canceled/abandoned

Born from a 2011 contest called Everyone's Vocaloid. The goal was to bring official Vocaloid products and fan content together by using two fanmade designs to create official Vocaloids.

Finding a voice provider for Lui was difficult, and they never confirmed any voice provider for him. It's assumed that no voicebank ever began production for him.

Ring's voice provider was Japanese singer MiKA. Unlike Lui, her voicebank had reached enough progress for demo songs to be made. A small amount of people received a beta copy of her voicebank set to expire in a month.

Ring was set to release in 2012, but was never sold. It seems no reason was given for this.

Their company, Vocaloid Next, suddenly ceased all activity and their website became inaccessible in 2013. No news or explanation has surfaced.

Lucía and LUAN

(from @AkiGlancy on Twitter; no illustration available for LUAN)

Current Status: Confirmed canceled

Two Spanish VOCALOID4 voicebanks being developed by Giuseppe, who had experience helping develop Vocaloids with Voctro Labs.

Giuseppe attempted to contact several companies to help with the development, including Voctro Labs, but they were not willing to help pay for a VOCALOID license.

Both received a lot of negative feedback. Lucía was criticized for sounding too similar to Clara, and LUAN was criticized for being too low quality.

It was also found that LUAN's voice provider was someone who was subject to a lot of controversy in the Spanish Vocaloid community.

The stress combined with the criticism drove Giuseppe to lash out at Vocaloid fans. He soon deleted his angry comments, LUAN's demo, and any posts related to him or Lucía. Afterward, he closed his social media and retired from Vocaloid, confirming these voicebanks to be canceled.

Zing

Current Status: Assumed canceled/abandoned

A trilingual (Japanese, Mandarin, English) Vocaloid being developed by EXIT TUNES in collaboration with aquatrax.

aquatrax is a video game company. Zing is the mascot of their rhythm game Zyon. At the end of 2016, development began on her VOCALOID4 voicebank.

In 2017, Zing was announced to be an expected Spring 2018 release. No news has surfaced since then. Additionally, her origin game, Zyon, shut down its servers in February 2020 and is no longer playable.

H

Current Status: Confirmed canceled; possibly moving to CeVIO

First teased in 2016 during IA and ONE's anniversary livestream. The only information given was the letter H and a VOCALOID4 voicebank in development.

After four more years of no updates, H was confirmed canceled in 2020.

However, in 2021 during another anniversary livestream, H was teased again, this time with a design.

Along with IA and ONE, she is part of the ARIA ON THE PLANETES project. Her real name was revealed later in 2021 as HIPPI.

While unconfirmed, if fully developed she is likely going to be released for CeVIO like her sisters.

Yao Luniang

Current Status: Assumed canceled/abandoned

A Chinese voicebank to be developed for VOCALOID4 by Shanghai Wangcheng.

Shanghai Wangcheng's other Vocaloids, Zhang Chuchu and Yuecheng, are private, so it's very possible Luniang was never intended for commercial use.

She was a collaboration with NetEase Comics, for which she served as a mascot.

Production for VOCALOID4 started in 2017. Her voice provider was to be chosen through an audition. While six finalists emerged, the winner was never revealed.

In 2020, an authorized user of Yuecheng and Chuchu reported that the pair's serial codes ceased distribution and their voicebanks were no longer available. Shanghai Wangcheng also closed their websites and accounts and seem to have ceased activity, leaving Luniang abandoned.

COCOROBO

Current Status: Assumed canceled/abandoned

Cocorobo-chan was originally featured in exclusive models of a cleaning robot developed by SHARP.

While operating as a vacuum, Cocorobo-chan was also meant to provide conversation so that the owners could feel more connected by communicating with her.

An updated version was debuted in 2016, marketed as a musical A.I. vacuum with a voice powered by the VOCALOID4 engine. COCOROBO's voicebank development was to begin soon after.

In 2018, SHARP stated that COCOROBO was not canceled, but internal circumstances caused them to be unable to give a clear update on her development. No news has surfaced since then.

ALYS

Current Status: Confirmed canceled; moved to Alter/Ego open source, available for Alter/Ego and UTAU

She was to be the first French Vocaloid, developed for VOCALOID3 and voiced by French utaite Poucet. She would also have a Japanese voicebank.

She was expected to release in early 2015. However, in late 2014, her company VoxWave announced that she was going to be developed for CeVIO instead. While they preferred this direction, this also meant that they needed to raise much more money for her.

In December 2015, it was finally announced that ALYS would be released for Alter/Ego, and she was successfully released in March 2016.

UPDATE: VoxWave shut down in September 2021. As of December 2021, ALYS is now open source thanks to her creator Phundrak. This includes her Alter/Ego voicebank, now available for free, and her prototype UTAU voicebank that was used during development. The Alter/Ego voicebank is not licensed to be modified or redistributed, but the UTAU voicebank is. You can read more here!

[peachblossomstudy]

a few notes on rejection

hello! this is probably going to be one of the longest text posts i’ve written on this blog, but i have a few things that i think might help some people. but first, an apology for being so inactive in the original content department. winter is always where i get quite burnt out and in the uk it gets dark at around 4pm so lighting for pictures is awful. i’m still on holiday at the moment so i have time to start taking photos and queueing posts again, so hopefully i will be less inactive this month!

now that’s out of the way, on with what i actually wanted to talk about. at the end of november i was rejected by my dream university - the one i’d spent my whole life dreaming of going to, the one that had everything i was looking for in a university, the one that was perfect. i didn’t post about it at the time, and i was debating posting about it even now, but i decided that i wanted to share some of the things i learnt about academic rejection over the last few months (these are in no particular order and are probably somewhat incoherent):

it’s okay to be upset. being upset is a completely natural reaction - nobody’s going to expect you to take a rejection with joy or even just with a straight face. have a good cry about it if that’s how you feel (i certainly did). sometimes you have to let your emotions be felt and let yourself deal with that, rather than immediately trying to move on.

once you are ready to start moving on, try and get excited about something else - there were other unis i applied to that i wanted to go to, so i started looking at their websites and finding things about them that excited me. your something else may not be academic or another university, but i think it’s important to find other things to look forward to in the wake of rejection.

many people told me something along the lines of ‘rejection is redirection’. this may be kind of cheesy, but i helped me remember that my dream uni wasn’t the be all and end all of my life, and that there are other directions i could go in that i might not even know about now! hopefully in the years to come i can look back on this post and say where i was redirected to, but i know that there are still plenty of good things coming.

as someone who is lucky enough not to have yet experienced a major bereavement this may be an inappropriate or incorrect comparison, but the experience of rejection struck me as similar to the experience of grief. you can be completely fine, then someone mentions something that reminds you and the sadness hits you. you can be going about your business and suddenly remember that you’ve lost an opportunity and it will hit you all over again. i’m aware that this is probably all rather overly dramatic, but academic rejection is somewhat a small bereavement, you will find yourself grieving for a lost future, and that’s okay.

it may be hard to be happy for people who got accepted where you didn’t, but my thoughts were that their getting a place/interview/offer (especially if they were applying for a different course) didn’t actively reduce my chances of getting one. 

in the same vein as the previous point, another thing i think helped me is that being sad about getting rejected won’t magically mean the decision gets reversed. after i’d allowed myself to be sad, this mindset was useful in picking myself up and looking towards other things.

as a final point i wanted to say that rejection does not make you any less worthy of love, success or great things in life. you are amazing, hardworking and a wonderful person - rejection does not define you.

if you’ve stuck around to here i’m extremely grateful. this post is much more personal than anything i usually write on here, so i may regret the mortifying ordeal of being known and delete this. the aim of this post was to share my experience, my (rather unsure) advice and hopefully help at least one other person going through the same thing. if you have anything to add, please, please reblog and add it, i’d love to hear it <3