#so have some random roy & jamie weirdness

[thetarttfuldickhead]

Roy had, he realizes, half-expected this to happen. He must have suspected on some level that their trip up to Manchester to face off against City would see a repeat of last season’s illicit night-time outing, because when he catches sight of Jamie surreptitiously slinking away from the team movie night just as the film ends, he isn’t surprised.

Just rolls his eyes and huffs a fucking prick, before telling Nate that he’s going out and not to let any of those idiots cause any trouble.

He can feel Beard’s eyes following him as he follows Jamie, out of the impromptu movie hall and the hotel, and into the chilly evening.  

Roy lets Jamie amble on for a couple of streets. Let the little muppet think he got away with it; it’ll make his realisation to the contrary all the more satisfying. Then, as Jamie idles on the pavement while waiting for a lull in traffic, Roy sneaks up to him and grabs his shoulder.

”Oi! Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

Jamie startles, which is pleasing. He doesn’t look particularly concerned at catching sight of his fearsomely scowling coach, however, which is less pleasing.

“Fucking hell, Roy,” he says, having the gall to sound mildly reproachful. “How’s giving your best player a heart attack the night before you take on the champions a good idea, eh?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Roy drawls. “Is it a worse idea than letting one of my players sneak off and break curfew the night before we take on the champions?”

Jamie snorts, unimpressed at his coach’s careful omission of the best. Shrugging out of Roy’s grip, he starts walking again. “Weren’t going to get into any trouble or nothing,” he says airily. “Just wanted to see me mum.”

“Yeah, I figured.” Not exactly a leap. (And if there’s a part of Roy that had been concerned that Jamie might slink away to see someone else, well… No need to bring that up. There’s been enough heated discussions on that topic between them ever since Roy learned of Jamie actually going up to see his fucking piece of shit father in rehab.)

For a few moments, they walk in silence, through the chill October air and the increasingly distant rush of Manchester traffic.

“Are you… okay?” Roy asks eventually. It comes out hesitant and it takes all of his willpower not to smash his own stupid face in for how silly he sounds. He’s getting better at this, he thinks – the emotional shit – but he’s still not good at it.

Jamie cuts him a surprised look. “Uh, yeah? Awesome. Why?” Then his face softens into understanding, his soft lips curling into a silent oh. “I’m good, Coach,” he says earnestly, pushing a strand of his carefully styled hair out of his eyes. “Swear down. Just wanted to say hi to mummy, yeah?”

Roy nods. He’d thought as much, but… he’d needed to make sure. “You could have just asked.”

Jamie gives him a sidelong glance. “Yeah, well, but. You’re not Ted. Might have said no.”

Roy’s eyes snap to Jamie’s face, narrowing in incredulity. “And if I had I told you, specifically, that no, Jamie, you may not fucking run off to see your mum the night before a game, then you wouldn’t have tried to slip away?”

“Yeah, man, ‘course.” Off Roy’s sceptical look, Jamie makes a face. “Come on, Coach. I do everything you tell me to, don’t I? Even when it’s stupid,” he adds, not quite under his breath.

And Roy doesn’t know what to say to that because… Jamie is right, isn’t he. He does everything Roy tells him to, and while that’s… good, obviously, hearing it stated so baldly leaves Roy feeling. Well. Something. Not bad, exactly, but slightly like he’s on a roller-coaster and suddenly he’s weightless and breathless and with that sucking sensation in his gut. Or like when he held Phoebe for the first time, awed and terrified of all that frail softness in his rough hands.

He clears his throat, pushing that weird feeling right back down into the dark recesses of his mind where it belongs. “Sneaking out of the fucking hotel when I told everyone to stay in and hit bed before eleven is a weird fucking way of doing what I tell you.”

“Yeah, but that was like, general,” Jamie says, waving away Roy’s fully legitimate argument like an errant fly. “It’s different, yeah?”

“It really fucking isn’t,” Roy snaps, even as there’s small, strange part of him that feels that Jamie – inexplicably – has a point.

Jamie grins at him, then, “And yet you haven’t hauled me back yet,” he notes, exaggeratedly looking around them to indicated the more and more run-down surroundings, and sure enough, if memory serves Roy right they’re already halfway back to the council estate where Jamie grew up.

Fucking hell.

But he’d suspected this, too, hadn’t he. Known that he wasn’t really going after Jamie just to read him the riot act and bring him back in.

“Half an hour,” Roy growls. “Then I am hauling you back to the hotel, and if I hear one complaint about it, I’m making you run the whole fucking way and then we’re doing burpees until you drop and I don’t care if you’re too stiff to play tomorrow.”

Like hell you don’t, Jamie’s laughing eyes tell him, but all he says is, “Yes, Coach. Mint.”

Roy gives a curt nod. Mint. Yeah. Maybe that’s what this is.

At least it could be hell of a lot worse.

At least until Jamie asks, much, much too innocently, “So, Coach, are you coming with me ‘cause you wanna keep an eye on me or because you wanna see me mum too?”

Roy is grateful that there’s no telling if his cheeks redden in the autumn dark, and that his voice is as gruff as ever when he growls, “All right, you are definitively running back to the hotel, Tartt.”

Jamie sighs. It’s a happy sound. “Yes, Coach.”

[fightingdragonswithwho]

hate to be a hater on the main … but this season of ted lasso excels (once again) at team dynamic and the found family elements and i think the finale absolutely nailed that, i cried, i laughed, it was perfect on that. now as for the individual stories and relationships… yeah, let’s leave it at that

[whimsical-roasting]

Jamie Tartt and the Five Love Language

THERES SO MUCH I COULD SAYYY and special thanks to @caapsiizzereads for helping me brainstorm some of these!! ugh just wanna love on the babyboy so much yknow??

TELL ME IF THERE'S MORE YOU CAN THINK OFFFFF

Words of Affirmations:

HE HAS A PRAISE KINK. ITS LITERALLYYYYYYY CANNON 

Babyboy is so precious…… he knows how it feels not to get kind words, and so he just can’t help but give them out to you

“Woah, babe…your mind..” in a stunned manner when you go off about something you’re passionate about

“You’re everything to me,” he whispers at night as you fall asleep

Has a shared spotify playlist that you both can collab on, and it’s just songs (lyrics) that remind you of each other!! Jamie plays it when he’s heading to away games in the coach, and it makes him feel a bit calmer 

Giving you ALL the praise and dirty talk during sexy time “you’re so fucking beautiful”, “you make me feel so so good” “holy fuck angel” 

Sometimes just stares at you randomly with a goofy look and you’re like ??? what ??? what is it ?? did he realise i’m ugly or my nose is weird or wHAT !!!???!! and he’s just like, “you look like sunshine”, all smitten and shit

Kisses each feature on your body and says “my favourite” to every. single. one.

“I believe in ya!”

Desperately wants to make sure you guys have a couple’s song - something meaningful that describes how he feels about you that he can play for you both… like Sweet Nothings by Taylor Swift/Hearts Don’t Break Around You by Ed Sheeran/Simple Things by Miguel 

Plays that song after fights when the silences are still tender; when you’re drunk and slow dancing in the kitchen at 3am; when you’re getting dressed for a gala, and he’s fixing his hair, and you’re putting on your earrings

“I adore you, sweetheart”, “you look like a pretty flower”, “me heart fuckin sings seeing ya”

Physical Touch:

Absent-mindedly plays with your hair

Nuzzles face into your neck and then peppers kisses on your shoulder

Massages/scratches your scalp cause he knows how good it feels when you do it for him

Traces patterns on your knee and thighs if you sit next to him

Gotta be holding hands at all times

Pinky promises are sacred… probs locks pinkies and then kisses his thumb to “stamp it” 

Slapping his ass as he walks past you, and so he’s always covering his butt, complaining “babeeee you can’t do thattttt”, but then he’ll be all pouty if one day you don’t slap his ass when he walks past… “do you not love me anymore?”

He will randomly come up to you, wrap your arms around you, getting as close as possible and tuck his face between your shoulder and neck, saying that he’s recharging

Always gotta be touching some part of you.. it’s the only way to live tbh

Gift Giving:

Remember when Jamie was like, “can’t I just buy them all PS5s as a sorry??” “what better thing to spend money on than love?“ LMFAOOOO babyboy :”) he means well

The amount of effort he put into Roy’s gift for Uncle’s Day <3 

Jamie would fucking love getting you fancy, expensive gifts around big occasions (birthdays, holidays etc.) 

BUT I think he’d also love getting you smaller gifts like… Sunday morning flowers, or stocking up on different kinds of herbal tea in his kitchen cause he knows sometimes you’re in the mood for a random cuppa on quiet evenings

Personally, someone like me loves cute tea cups/mugs, so I think buying two mugs to keep in his house cause “they’re so cute, and I wanted them for us” would make him so happy!! He doesn’t even use them all that much, but just seeing them in the cupboard makes him smiley

The kind to want matching outfits or colour-coordinated outfits - most def would buy you both matching sneakers (so would Isaac/most of the team with his S/O)

Gets you a ‘J’ gold chain and wears a gold one with your initial 

If he sees some targeted ad on your insta or something for what you’ve searched up he’s like hmmm,,,,,,i might just,,,*add to cart*

Quality Time:

Wants to spend all his time with you!! Ofc he does!!! 

Is happy to just sit in silence, stroking your calves he watches tiktok with your legs on his lap!! Esp if you’re like reading/doing work on your laptop

He just wants to be there yknow? And he tries not to be annoying but the little puppy can’t help but wanna talk and touch and, ultimately, annoy you

Tries to invite you to all his events? “Can me girlfriend come?” 

Even the ones that aren’t for guests, “babeeee, what do ya mean you won’t come to Colin’s guys' night? I swear they’ll be fine with it…probably!!” “can I come to girl’s night with ya? I’ll let you paint me nails…come on.. Pleaseeee?”

Texts you periodically during the night regardless ahahaha

I like the idea of, “hey I gotta drive somewhere, and it’s gonna take me 30 minutes..can you talk?” whilst one of you is in the car and the other’s at home or, I dunno, has some time during their day 

Date nightssssss every two weeks… OR if the season gets busy and he’s also exhausted from Roy’s trainings then SPECIFIC carved out time to be affectionate and date-y

“I’m so sorry, love, I know we had that reservation tonight, but I came home knackered and just crashed…” “Jaim, it’s okay-” “No, no, it’s not! I’m so fucking dead from training I don’t even get to take ya out anymore! What if- what if you wanted a picnic, huh!” “Baby, it’s okay, really.. How about we set up a picnic on the living room floor and order takeout? Something that Roy’ll let you eat, yea?” “I’m so fucking grateful for ya, angel, I swear” 

He always wants you to watch him score a goal on FIFA cause he’s a child ahahaha… probably teaches you how to play and then pouts when you score as Obisanya 

Wants to try out random hobbies with you - sip and paint cause “I’ll have an excuse to draw outta the lines”; knitting cause “Bumbercatch said it’s soothin, babe”; quick dry clay but he makes a big circular lump at first and grins at you “look babe!! I made a football!” 

Acts of Service:

HIM TEACHING ROY HOW TO RIDE A BIKE 

Makes you coffee once he’s back from his 4am training 

Always offers you his jacket/coat

“I know this was stressing ya, babe, so I took care of it”

“Don’t worry, love, I’ve been practising this dish just for you.. I won’t burn it this time, promise”

Late night cravings???? McDonald’s fries and an Oreo Mcflurry?? He’s already slipping on his jacket and finding his keys (imagine how attentive he’d be with your weird ass pregnancy cravings omg)

ALWAYS opens doors for you... Probably yells “WAIT” when in the car with you just so he can jog out and open your door with a grin 

Always down to carry your purse, puts it on his shoulder like it’s HIS despite having his lil bum bag across his chest

Nightime or morning routine, he probs has to get ready before you so he lays out your skincare for you. Probs adds toothpaste on your brush if he hears you getting ready to enter the bathroom

Probably the main one driving everywhere, but if you drive and need to fill up your tank, he’ll be the one to get out and fill it then pay,,, he’s almost offended that you say you’re capable of doing so yourself, “babe, what am I here for?!”

Tries to eat in accordance with your dietary requirements (e.g. I’m vegetarian) if you guys have date night - or he’ll always have like mouthwash and gum so he can kiss ya later without making you feel uncomfortable!!

“Ooh babe, they have the ravioli ya like and the vodka gnocchi!! Okay, you order the ravioli, and I’ll get the gnocchi and we’ll split, yea?” “Hey Jaim, can we order fries too?” “Fuck yea!”

[wlntrsldler]

hi!! i hope you’re doing well :). can i please request either “and you're telling me you wanna kiss me but we shouldn't cause we're just friends." or “when you found me i was a train wreck” with sam obisanya? i’m not picky either way i just thought they’d both be good and couldn’t decide hehe. thanks!!

kissing in swimming pools | sam obisanya

based on the song kissing in swimming pools by holly humberstone: "when you found me i was a train wreck."

description: the first "i love you" f!reader (she/her)

warnings: language-- it's ted lasso, what did ya expect? fluff! sam in loveeee.

word count: 1356 words

ted lasso requests are open | main masterlist

There were only three things that Sam Obisanya was sure of. 

The first is that his father will be proud of him no matter what he ends up accomplishing in his life. He was sure that if life didn’t pan out the way that it did and he wasn’t a famous footballer, his father would still be as proud as he is of him. He was lucky in that sense– that he had a father who never once made him doubt whether he loved his son or not. Sam knew that he wouldn’t be half the man that he is if his father wasn’t his father. And in his opinion, he thinks he ended up pretty decent. 

The second thing he is sure of is that Ted Lasso was put on this earth to be AFC Richmond’s coach, even if it was just for the short time that he did. Some pretty spectacular people had coached Sam, Roy Kent being one of them, but Ted was something special. Not only did he make Sam a better player on the pitch, he also made him a better man. Whenever he does something wrong, he always repeats the words, “Be a goldfish,” in his head, over and over again. When he’s having a bad day, where everything seems to be going wrong, he closes his eyes and the word “Believe,” on that bright yellow paper is the image in his head. 

The third and final thing Sam Obisanya is sure of is that if he was asked who was the love of his life, he would say you with no hesitation. 

He watched you dance with Keeley to some random 2000s pop song on the dance floor. Beard and Jane were engaged in some weird dance routine that had people raising their eyebrows, but Sam figured they were able to act however they wanted since it was their wedding night. He couldn’t help but smile as you threw your head back in laughter as Keeley tried to do the shuffle in her heels. 

“Oi,” Jamie nudged his arm, “You reckon Y/N will still be your date at Jane and Beard’s 25th wedding anniversary?” 

“Absolutely,” Sam replied before Jamie even finished his question, “I love her. There’s no one else for me, Jamie. I don’t think anyone can ever compare.” 

Jamie let out a breath, eyes widening as he took a sip from his bottle, “Sheesh, bold claim, man.”

“Honestly, I know she’s the love of my life.” 

“This is cute and all,” Colin interrupted, leaning across the table to meddle in Sam and Jamie’s conversation, “But have you told her that?” 

Sam shook his head, a goofy smile on his face, “No, not yet. I don’t know how I should tell her or what she’d say. I don’t even know if she feels the same way about me.” 

“You won’t know ‘til you tell her,” Jamie said, “And for what it’s worth, I think it’ll be a good response.” 

Sam took a sip of his own beer and then placed the bottle on the table. He cleared his throat, dusting off his dress pants. As the song transitioned to a slow song, he walked over to where you stood with Keeley on the dance floor. He tried to ignore the sounds of cheering from the table of footballers he just left, but he couldn’t help but bite his bottom lip to control his smile. 

Keeley was facing Sam so she noticed him before you did. She shot him a wink and bid you goodbye by squeezing your arm. As Keeley walked away, you turned around to find Sam with an outstretched hand. 

“May I have this dance?” He asked though he was already pulling you into him. 

“Always,” you responded, draping your arms around his neck while his hands found their way to your hips. You swayed slowly to the sound of the music, staring lovingly into each other’s eyes. You knew that there were others on the dance floor, hell, you knew that the newlyweds were right beside you, but somehow at that moment, you felt like it was just you and Sam. “Y’know, before I met you, I always thought that people were lying when they said that when they’re with their partner the whole world disappears.” 

“What do you think now?” he asked, spinning you around elegantly, “Do you feel that way with me?” 

“Mhm,” you answered. You let your right-hand cup his face. He nuzzled his cheek against your palm, a sigh of contentment leaving his lips. You rubbed his skin with the pad of your thumb, cherishing the way he melted under your touch. “When I met you, I was a train wreck. I was always working. I never took time to take care of myself and for a while, I really did forget how to take care of myself. Then you came along…” 

His smile turned shy as if he couldn’t believe that you were giving him the credit he deserved, “Then I came along…”

“Then you came along and reminded me how beautiful life could be if I just slowed down and took some time to breathe, to experience life, to smile,” you trailed off, not sure how you were going to word the next part. You took a deep breath, halting your movements before saying, “Sam, I lov-”

“No!” He exclaimed, a bit too loudly. He made a face of embarrassment, looking around the dancefloor to see couples staring at him oddly. Keeley, who was dancing with Roy, gave him a questioning look, “Apologies, everyone.” 

You chuckled quietly, moving his face to look at you again, “No?” 

“No- I mean- yes!” He babbled, “I mean, I don’t want you to say it first. I need to say it first. But I do, too. I do. I do love you.” 

You placed a soft kiss on his lips, giggling as you pulled away, “I love you, Sam Obisanya.” 

Sam chased your lips, unable to contain the smile on his face, “I like how that sounds.” 

“What?” you teased, “You like it when I say I love you?” 

“Can’t get enough of it,” he mumbled against your lips, “You’re gonna have to say it at least fifty times a day. Texts don’t count because I don’t get to hear your pretty voice say it. Phone calls are okay and voice memos are the last resort. I would prefer it if you were in front of me when you said it, though. ‘Cause then I will get to kiss you.” 

“You don’t ever need an excuse to kiss me, Sam.” 

“Thank God for that,” Sam said, spinning you one last time as the music came to a stop. 

As you fell back into his arms, he couldn’t help but imagine you at your wedding; how beautiful of a bride you’d be, how the lads would be cheering for Mr. and Mrs. Obisanya when the two of you walk into the reception, how in his vows, he’ll recount the moment he realized that he was going to marry you. 

You walked back to the table with Sam, hand in hand, with a glow that all of the boys noticed. Dani and Richard were fawning over something on Isaac’s phone, calling you and Sam over to take a look at it. When you saw the picture, tears pooled in your eyes. In the photo, you were staring up at Sam, laughing a bit as he stumbled over his words. Isaac managed to capture the exact moment Sam told you he loved you for the first time. Sam draped an arm over you, kissing the crown of your head, as he chuckled at how stupid he looked in the picture. 

Throughout your relationship, there were many “I love you’s” that followed, many photos that were taken and shared, and many other weddings you attended. But that photo, imperfect, silly, and a bit grainy, was your favorite moment– your favorite “I love you,” your favorite photo of the both of you, but it was taken at your second favorite wedding. Your favorite wedding was your own.

[toxicroyjamie]

some more incredibly niche headcanons i couldn't fit on the poll/are too random for anyone to agree with me

Roy owes Phoebe over a million pounds in swear-word money by the time she goes to college. He eventually just buys her a house and calls it even

Bumbercatch has an identical twin and they're totally exactly like the creepy twins from the shining

Roy was arrested for public urination in his 20s and his mullet mugshot is the lads' favorite image to ever exist. they make like a billion impact font memes of it

Jamie likes to buy stuff for himself that he couldn't have as a kid. Toys/stickers/snacks/coloring books/etc. He thinks it's weird and embarrassing and doesn't tell anyone, but it's just a healing/comforting thing because his childhood was so awful

Keeley's favorite color is actually purple, but pink has become her brand and it's too late to change it now.

Roy is a message reactor. Why would he use words when they made a feature specifically to allow you to avoid using words. His text exchanges with Jamie are like "Can I have toast with jam for a snack" "Roy disliked a message" ":(" "Roy disliked a message"

Roy hates going to the dentist. That shit is private. No one should be poking around in there, much less with little lights and cameras. Violation

Rebecca unironically reposts minion memes on FaceBook. This one sends her every time

[marvelling-at-marvel-blog]

Richmond weird/funny interview idea.

I was going to write this as a fic but then realised I would have to try to figure out how y'all do awards shows and what they are called and gave right up.

So in AFL (Australian football), we have this awards night for the best player in the league that year and most of the other big awards (called the brownlow). It basically means all the biggest players in the league come together to this award ceremony. And on the red carpet, they do interviews and stuff for radio and tv. Pretty normal stuff. Most the time, it's what are you wearing, how do you think your year has been, who do you think will win blah blah. But there is this one segment a radio station came up with entitled 'sh*t brownlow questions', and the interviewer just asks completely random and stupid questions for fun. And it's hilarious because these players are just so out of depth with the random questions.

Now I cant get a Richmond version out of my head.

Like they go to an awards show, all dressed to the nines and there is some interviewer there who decides to ask random questions for entertainemnt on his channel, when all the guys are expecting the usual questions and it starts of pretty well and funny

Interviewer: Hey Dani, just a quick question. Would you rather fight 1 Isaac McAdoo sized duck or 100 duck sized Isaac McAdoo's?

Dani in his chipper demeanour: oh I wouldn't want to fight any version of Issac at all he is such a great guy, and I love him....

Dani suddenly going serious and grabbing the mic and looking straight down the camera: But if I had to chose, I would go 1 duck sized Isaac because 100 tiny Isaac's would be too many Isaac's, they would completly overwhelm you and tear you apart!

Interviewer: Hey Colin, just wondering do you do your tax returns as soon as you can or wait until just before the cut off date?

Colin going pale: oh no. When are the tax returns due? I don't know when the last time I did my taxes was......

Interviewer asking like this is going to be a football question: Hey Sam, we are getting to the serious end of the season now so I was was just wondering, who do you think will win..... this seasons Lust Conquers All?

Sam with his serious face at the beggining of the question laughing by the end: Oh Janet for sure but I think I would be a amiss if I didn't mention Jamie was robbed last season.

Interviewer: Hey Roy, just wondering.....

Roy barley glancing at him as he walks past: Nope not doing it, f**k off.

Interviewer: Hey Richard, so the big one is coming up, Wembley Stadium, 90 000 people, just wondering........ did you manage to get Taylor Swift tickets?

Richard without blinking: Yes, yes I did.

Any question asked of Ted, Ted is just ecstatic, takes it 100% seriously, and is generally happy to answer.

The interviewer joking pulls out a cross word from the paper and asks for some help from Beard. Two minutes later, he has a completed crossword, and he just looks at it in astonishment.

Then the interview goes off the rails a little.

The Interviewer asks Jamie a random queation about history but instead of stumping him Jamie lights up and peoceeds to give an in-depth answer with alarming detail and the interview now knows more than he ever needed to on the subject. (This makes Roy even more unhappy because Jamie is now going to 100% talk his ear off about this for the rest of the night, just info dumping on him. Let be real he secretly loves it)

Interviewer: Hey Moe, just wondering if you had an opinion on the election in (insert random country here, most people wouldn't know about the elections of).

Moe: automatically goes into lecture mode about democracy and the evil's of government  and gets so passionate and loud aftet 5 minutes of it Issac needs to come and save the reporter who eyes are as wide as saucers and is questiong everything.

Like, I can just imagine the chaos of the AFC and their personalities in a segment like this. The fans would go crazy for it, too

[babytarttdoodoo]

hi! prompt for Roy and Jamie (as a ship or platonic is up to you!) if it interests you, could I request Roy getting protective over somebody hitting on and making Jamie uncomfortable at a bar?

I’m finding that Roy is a lot of fun to write. The man has presence. (There a LOT of *fruity* language in this one.)

Written as early relationship Roy/Jamie. Thank you for the prompt and hope you enjoy!

(Prompt Fill Masterpost)

—

“Excuse me!”

Jamie turned around at the shout and grip on his arm, half a smile on his face from laughing with the bartender as he ordered.

A young woman was grinning at him excitedly, bouncing a little when his attention focused on her. She fluffed her hair with the hand that wasn’t squeezing his bicep.

“Alright, darling?” Jamie gave her a quick once over, expecting a request for a selfie if she happened to be into football.

“Are you Jamie? From Lust Conquers All?”

Ah. 

He chuckled a bit and nodded, giving her his best photoshoot smile. You have to be nice to the fans, after all.

“Yep, guilty!”

“I fucking knew it!” she crowed, pressing in closer. Jamie felt the edge of the bar dig into his back. “I told my friends it was you!”

“Oh, you out with your mates, then?” Jamie glanced behind her, trying to spot a group that might be waiting to pull her back away. No one stood out and she ignored his question completely.

“It was a total fix, you getting voted off! You were well more fit than Danthony. He barely got his kit off.”

Right. Okay, then.

“Nah, he were a nice enough lad, actually.” Jamie told her, keeping it friendly and gently trying to pull his arm away. “Listen, d’you want a photo or…?”

“Don’t you think I look like Amy?”

“Eh…” She did, a bit, if Jamie really thought about it. It might have just been the blonde hair and hoop earrings, though. And that didn’t detract from it being a fucking weird question.

“Need a tray for your drinks, mate?” Jamie turned back to the bartender at the (very welcome) interruption and felt the woman’s hand shift from his arm to his chest with the movement.

He grit his teeth and gave the guy setting out his round a tight smile and nod as her polished fingernails scraped the skin exposed by his mostly open shirt.

“Shit, you didn’t let yourself go after the show, did you?” she asked, staring at his bared muscles and seemingly oblivious to any concept of personal space. “Buy me a drink?”

“Oh, er, no thanks.”

“Come off it.” She pouted at him and squeezed in closer, standing practically between his legs. “You can’t tell me I’m not your type.”

Jamie swallowed hard, glancing around now for his own friends. But the team were sequestered away in the VIP section, waiting on him returning with their orders.

“Look, sweetheart, I’m sure you’re lovely, but I’m currently spoken for.”

“Didn’t stop you on the show.”

“Fucking hell.” Jamie had to laugh. This whole thing was ridiculous. Even at the height of his prickiest moments, he’d known when to take a hint - apparently that memo was not universally received.

There was no room to move away from her, either. The club was heaving with people enjoying their Friday night and the crowd around the bar penned him in on all sides. A jostle from the group behind them had the woman pressed right up against his front.

She grinned, taking his incredulity and the sudden contact as a good sign.

“Oi, Tartt.” Oh shit.

The movement in the crowd had not, apparently, been caused by inebriated partiers trying to get closer to the bar. Rather, it had been Roy Fucking Kent pushing his way through to find out what was taking so long.

If panic at the thought of potentially causing a scene had been playing at the edges of Jamie’s mind, the idea of Roy seeing some random woman plastered all over him in a dark club dialled it up to a full-blown catastrophe.

This Thing™ between them was still fresh and new (and a bit lovely). He wasn’t sure it could weather presumed infidelity and a tabloid shitshow just yet.

Roy was frowning, no surprises there. His dark eyes went from Jamie’s face, to the new attachment on his chest, and back again. “Who the fuck is this?”

She bristled at the dismissive tone. “Who are you? His dad?”

Jamie winced. Ouch.

And the thing was, he wasn’t scared of Roy’s reaction. He hadn’t been properly scared of Roy for years. But, objectively, he knew that the man before him cut a pretty intimidating figure when he wanted to.

Dressed all in black under the strobing lights of a nightclub, he looked like a solid shadow with anger issues. Crossing his arms and raising his voice to be heard was all it took for a good metre radius to clear out around him, defying the laws of both physics and London nightlife.

Jamie was suddenly struck by the memory of Roy striding into a club, headbutting Colin, and giving them all a telling off. He’d been scary in that moment, and Jamie knew he’d had to admit to himself that night that his Kent crush was not as dead and buried as he’d hoped.

“Get the fuck off of him, you nutty arsemonger.”

Between her shock at the colourful insult and the extra room to manoeuvre, Jamie managed to extricate himself without much further fuss and snatched up the ready tray of drinks to use as a barrier.

“You can’t talk to me like that!” she seethed, cheeks flushed and hands gone to fists at her sides, her grip on Jamie forgotten.

“I can do a hell of a lot worse,” Roy growled. “Bugger off, before I call security.”

Sensing defeat, and perhaps the phone cameras no doubt being whipped out around them, the woman gave Jamie one last leering, disappointed look before stalking off in the opposite direction of Roy.

Jamie slumped in relief until he caught his (boyfriend?)’s gaze. Roy’s face was unreadable. He just stared at Jamie for a moment longer, then turned away.

“Come on, then. Been waiting fucking ages.”

Suddenly unsure if he’d been right to dismiss fear so quickly, Jamie followed along behind him, focusing on not spilling anything while his mind whirred incessantly.

They rounded the curtain that separated the VIP room from the rest of the venue and a cheer went up at the sight of a fresh round. Jamie set his burden down quickly, accepting the thanks of his teammates while constantly glancing over to the corner where Roy had settled to brood.

Grabbing their drinks, he made his way over and cautiously sat beside him.

“... Roy?”

“Are you alright?” Well, that wasn’t what Jamie had expected. Especially since the words sounded like they’d been dragged from Roy’s throat by force. “Be fucking honest.”

“Erm, yeah, yeah I’m fine. Thanks.” Jamie licked his lips nervously. “Why?”

Roy shut his eyes tight and sighed heavily. “Jesus Christ. Because you just had some tart’s hands all over you and she clearly wouldn’t take ‘no’ for a fucking answer.”

“Oh.” Jamie shrugged and looked down at his glass, tapping his thumbnails against the rim. “Used to it, ain’t I? Are you alright? Cause, being honest, I don’t know if you’re angry at me or not and it’s kind of freaking me out.”

His fidgeting stilled when Roy’s hand found his knee and squeezed.

“I’m not angry at you, Jamie.”

At the much softer tone, Jamie risked looking at him again and found Roy watching him with a pinched expression.

“I am wondering why you didn’t just tell her to piss off sooner.”

“It weren’t like I encouraged her!” Jamie protested.

“I’m not saying you did. Believe it or not, I have had my share of mental fans having a grope over the years.” Jamie fought down a flush of outrage and jealousy at that. “You don’t have to be fucking nice to them, though. You, fuck, you shouldn’t be ‘used to it’.”

Unable to resist, Jamie leaned in and kissed away Roy’s scowl.

“You’re sweet.” he murmured, smiling at the gruff protest he got in response. “No, you are. Deal with it.”

With a sigh, he leaned into Roy’s side and organised his thoughts.

“After I did that reality show, most of my brand deals and that just… went away.” He felt Roy shift beside him but the grip on his knee stayed steady, so much nicer than the hand on him earlier had been. “I got trashed online for acting like a prick and no one wanted to touch me. Not even City. Fuck, I had to beg Ted for another chance here.”

Roy knew most of this, of course. He even had a clearer idea now of why exactly Jamie had risked his football career for Lust Conquers All.

“I just. Everything’s better now. Life is fucking mint. But I know that all it takes is one shitty tweet about me being an arsehole or a dodgy video taken out of context and, boom. It’s viral and I’m untouchable again.”

“Fuuuuuuuuck.” The quiet exhalation made Jamie huff a laugh. Roy took a swig of his beer before speaking again. “First of all, we’re not going to let anything like that happen. And by ‘we’ I mean that entire gaggle of idiots, plus me, plus Keeley and Beard and Rebecca and Higgins and, fuck, even Nate these days.

“Someone says shit about you, all of Richmond will be up in arms to fight them about it, alright?”

He waited for Jamie to nod in acknowledgement before continuing,

“And second - I never had to deal with all this shit. The worst I’ve had is the press camped outside my house after some messy breakup or fight on the pitch. I don’t know how you lads do it with all the tweeting and posting and blogging you’re supposed to keep up with. It’s fucking exhausting just hearing about it.”

(Jamie very maturely refrained from making the obvious jokes about how ancient Roy sounded.)

“So if me doing shit like that -” He gestured vaguely in the direction of the bar. “Ever makes things worse for you, then I’m fucking sorry and you need to tell me.”

That was… genuinely very touching. Jamie snuggled in closer, throat tight.

“And finally,” Roy went on, pressing a kiss to head on his shoulder. “Your consent fucking matters, Jamie. If someone makes you uncomfortable, be as much of a prick as you like and damn the consequences.”

Jamie laughed again and shifted away to grin properly at Roy. “Is that you giving me blanket permission, coach?”

In response, Roy just gave him the middle finger, face hilariously deadpan. It really shouldn’t have made Jamie melt like it did.

He leaned in again, feeling safe in the relative privacy of their booth, and kissed Roy slow and deep. They were both breathing hard when he broke away and smirked.

“Maybe next time we go out, I’ll get to be the one prying some MILF off of you. Then you’ll find out exactly how much of a prick I can be.”

[skinnywalker]

When we met part 1: the other Tartts (Roy Kent x Jamie tartt's sister reader)

Roy is a very mature man. He wouldn't be caught dead doing the foolish things other men would do for love. He doesn't look at pretty women longingly, he doesn't beg for numbers or socials and he doesn't fawn after girls he can't talk to. That why he hasn't made a move on Tartt's angelic sister.

That's definitely the reason.

She comes into the locker room all the time bringing Jamie gifts and hugs and tales from home. She comes every week without fail. Roy is almost jealous. But he wouldn't be jealous of Jamie. Not in a million years.

She is waiting outside for her ride. She looks beautiful like that. When Jamie isn't around.

"You waiting on someone?"

She turns to look at Roy and smiles. God she looks pretty when she smiles. Her face is like Jamie's if Jamie wasn't a totally prick.

"Yes my Uber. Thought it would be here already."

"Tartt didn't take ya home? That's fucking rude."

She laughs.

"We live apart. Like really far apart."

"Yeah but yar his sister! Ya have special rights!"

She chuckles and pulls her coat on tighter.

"You'd think."

Roy isn't impulse. He isn't. He's smart and he thinks ahead and-

"I'll drive ya home."

"What?"

"I'll drive ya home. It's too cold to stay out here and the club will close soon. I have no where else to go tonight."

She gives him and million excuses but Roy is as stubborn as stone.

"Ok, thank you. You really didn't need to do this."

"Yeah and Tartt didn't need to leave ya out in the cold like a prick. Hop in."

He drives for miles and she begins to doze off.

"Whats your address?"

No response. Roy turns to find that she is asleep. God damnit how can she always look so pretty. Roy can't force himself to wake her up.

He stops outside of his apartment and wakes her up enough to get inside and on his couch. She goes straight back asleep. Best to leave her like this.

Roy can't sleep though. It's eating him alive that he has Jamie's pretty sister in his house on his couch. Why does it matter so much? Why? Roy doesn't fall for girls who don't even know him, right?

He finally falls into a restless sleep. When morning hits he goes into the normal morning routine and stops when he sees her again in his bathroom.

"Hello."

"Hello."

Roy than remembers he is most naked and slips into his robe.

"Do you....do ya need new clothes?"

"I don't think so. Did we?"

"NO! no we didn't do anything! Ya fell asleep in my car is all and I didn't have yar address."

He can't tell her reaction to this news.

"Oh. Ok. Thank you. Thank you for taking me home to sleep. I'm sure it was kind of weird."

It was kind of weird.

"No it was fine. Ya needed a place to sleep and I'd prefer ya to fall asleep in my car rather than some random uber."

She nods. Her face is still unreadable. But then she smiles and her eyes twinkle.

"Can I ask you a weird question? You can ignore it if you want but I just want to know."

"Ask away."

"Are you single?"

What. Roy's brain turns off for a second

"Yes."

"Ok."

Awkward silence falls over them.

"Why?"

"Well, it really touched me that you were willing to take me home and care about me so I was just, you know, curious."

"Curious about?"

She takes a deep breathe.

"Well I've seen you in the locker room for a while and I thought you were cute and you seem kind and intelligent and I've been single for a while so I was just....wondering."

Someone into Roy first? That never happens.

"That's a bit fast, but if we take things slow and if ya don't mind not tell Tartt I...I wouldn't mind trying something."

"Yeah, not telling Jamie is a good idea."

More awkward silence. Roy has never been this awkward with a girl.

"So, are we dating then?"

She smiles

"Depends, do you want to get breakfast together?" Roy smiles for the first time in a while. He is genuinely happy.

"Yes, I would."

(@pyschshawnjulesshanluke happy birthday!)

*part two coming*

[evendumbo]

A response to this thread because comment word count is just...

The people have spoken. It wasn’t just Ted and Rebecca that crashed and burned, it was Ted Lasso itself. Before S3 ended, I decided they were doing something exciting and unique with the sitcom genre. But the show wasn’t as good as I thought it was, I was projecting based on my view that S1 was genuinely excellent and about half of the eps in S2 were very good. ("Rainbow" remains in my top 3.)

When I take off my rose-colored sunshades that I borrowed from Ted to look at the show more honestly, there were a few things I liked in S3 (Jamie’s near-perfectly written transformation, more Trent, Higgins’ and Barbara's one-liners, the cute triangle animation detour, and Juno’s performance despite so-so writing) but, dear lord, the story arc of S3 was just a poorly conceived HOT MESS OVERALL:

the total pointlessness and waste of precious story time that is Zava

the disrespectful destruction of my beloved Roy Kent

the awkward way it tried to make boat guy and Jack happen

the lack of follow through with Sassy

the flat take and pointlessness of Shandy, a rare woman of color on the show

the randomness of Michelle making a deeply unethical, emotionally fucked up choice of dating their couples therapist on the low

the iffiness of Nate’s arc (an understatement bc I heart Nick Mohammed)

Hannah’s usual stellar performance was also undermined by the writing bc it disappeared crucial context for her acting choices

even Jane Payne could have been more than a silly, emotionally punitive character given the bit of insight into her character at the end of “Beard After Hours”

The fact that they continued to both weirdly signal and then drop the ball on a Ted & Rebecca romance in S3 cut the deepest, but I see now that it was also just par for the course for the hotmessification of Ted Lasso that was S3. (Don’t @ me antis, the T/R platonic friendship writing also fell flat.)

Ted Lasso was a pop culture rocket that shot up super fast and probably way too high, then the pressure was on, then there seemed to be some painful personal fallout in the background along with the usual industry fuckery, and then the irritating season 4 will they/won’t they tension. It probably should have been predictable that all that weight would eventually break it apart.

So, I’m not sure if we wasted two years. But another way of thinking about it is that we can affirm our emotional investment in early Ted Lasso, while allowing the writers the grace to make the above regrettable errors that sadly pissed away the rich creative opportunities of S3. It was largely a bad season of television — good people who work hard can produce bad art, and then have bad faith, defensive reactions to fair questions.

Realizing this has allowed me to feel less resentful and more empathetic. With time and luck, this might eventually lead to a different emotional orientation to this weird little heartbreaker of a show.

[trentcrimminallybeautiful]

i have this silly little undeveloped au in my brain that's just like. tedependent but it's the sarah jane adventures. sort of. not literally in the doctor who universe necessarily but like. local intrepid reporter trent crimm investigating weird shit except the local neighborhood kids will not leave him alone.

i have so many thoughts about this but none of them are coherent enough for a proper fic i think:

i just think trent being good with kids, generally. go mentor figure trent! (what this has nothing to do with my thesis what do you mean)

trent, like sarah jane pre-series, having a sort of reputation in the neighborhood (or in general, since i'm also incorporating his actual canon vibes/story) as to being standoffish, aloof, cold, etc., and generally anti-social, keeping to himself. and as the kids keep dragging him into things kicking and screaming he might also be dragged kicking and screaming into a community <3

if his daughter is essentially luke does that mean he adopted her under Strange Alien-Related Circumstances? absolutely it does, yes.

see i've got two great ideas for ted/tedependent. on one hand, although in the context of SJA/nuwho i'm not so much one for sarah jane and the doctor as a Thing, ted playing the role of like. someone from trent's Mysterious Past who he won't talk about who set him on this path? someone who was kind and wonderful and changed his life but then--at least it feels like to him--abandoned him? someone who made him a better person--from doing whatever journalism he used to do to this--someone who he's still kinda in love with... but trent can no longer even really talk to......until he shows up again? that's some good shit, not gonna lie. although i'm jimmying that into a happy ending somehow, goddamn it.

ALTERNATIVELY. henry being one of the Neighborhood Kids (as if we're using "canon" kids, we've got limited options) and ted being an oblivious parent. trent is trying to get these kids to STOP POKING INTO DANGEROUS ALIEN NONSENSE PLEASE THIS IS HIS JOB PLEASE STOP BREAKING INTO HIS HOUSE but they're stubborn and smart and they may or may not have saved his life once or twice and oh GOD THIS IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE but he can't just TELL THESE RANDOM NEIGHBORS about ALIENS. but like anyway this just painful secret identity-esque nonsense where ted knows henry's taken a shine to that nice journalist down the street and his daughter but does NOT know that henry is getting into Shenanigans(TM). this could lead into all sorts of drama about, you know, his kid being in danger... or, alternatively, ted has worked with some unit/torchwood-esque place before and is like OHH you know what? this explains that time i thought i heard you speaking an alien language. cool, cool. and trents like. .....WHAT

etc. i'm not wording this well but i think you get the idea.

if you really really wanted to make it complicated you could do both, considering the doctor's whole thing--either a fob watch or a regeneration--but honestly, i don't want to do that, so i won't

some of the adults do definitely get involved though. keeley either clocks that shit right away or thinks she's clocked it but she's actually clocked something entirely different. she's like i know you're mi6 babe ;) and he. is not. meanwhile roy having ten freakouts in a row and then being like nvm i'm fine with this. (is not fine with this, but will be eventually). jamies like yeah aliens. everyone knows about those. and they're like what?? no they dont?? and so on.

is beard an alien? genuinely no one's sure. he's not telling.

HOLD ON can i give trent k-9???? can trent crimm get a robot dog?????? yes please i think he deserves a robot dog

also see the trickster episodes? bet you could do something real fucked up with those.

i feel like i had more when i started this post but i don't remember

this not well thought out at all and i have no idea where everyone would fit in

anyway my point is. trent crimm, intrepid journalist, running around trying to stop alien shenanigans while Those Meddling Kids keep following him around. trent crimm doin a little Breaking And Entering. scooby doo shit. and he has such an interesting mix of seeming suave and badass and then immediately doing something embarrassing. trent crimm--via shenanigans and also Those Meddling Kids dragging him into their lives (aka he tries to keep his distance SO badly and only is involved when dangerous shit is going down but like then it's all. child knocking on his door like IT'S AN EMERGENCY OPEN UP and hes like WHAT WHAT IS IT and theyre like can you help me with my homework :( and hes like. fuck. yeah fine what do you want help with. (some subjects he's very helpful on others he's VERY not) until they're like okay but you're coming to this bbq right. and he's like? no? and they're like you're coming to this bbq right. and so on) ANYWAY the point is they keep dragging him into their lives and now oops! trent actually knows his neighbors and has to go through the mortifying ordeal of being known. but that also means that when he gets badly hurt or sick he's used to the empty hospital room but now he actually gets people showing up and forcing baked goods on him and shit and i'm just feeling a lot of things about this extremely hypothetical au based on my already existing feelings about trent gaining a community in s3/post-canon,

wait does this mean trent gets sonic lipstick? HELL YEAH IT DOES

[politelymenacing]

My Series 2 rewatch thoughts that no-one asked for. Mostly random thoughts and things I've only noticed since watching series 3. Series 1 rewatch here.

The bit of Jamie on This Morning feels so wrong. There is nowhere near enough giggling on the part of Phil and Holly. The vibes are so off.

Jamie's eyes light up when he sees the little Richmond fan asking for his autograph. He is super cute with kids, actually.

Ted says his favourite book is The Fountainhead. I haven't read it, but from what I understand the philosophy of that book really does not seem to line up with Ted's at all. If anyone has read it, I'd love to hear any insights as to why the writers chose that as his favourite.

The way that Phoebe's team looks at Roy 🥰

There's Isaac in glasses again (I might be slightly obsessed, but in my defence, he looks so good in them).

Jamie x Dani shippers be like:

This is the most unconvincing email I've ever seen:

Love hearing some Queen on the soundtrack.

There has been a serious lack of Trent so far. We truly are spoilt in series 3.

Instant chemistry between Ted and Nora. I love it

Bring it On references and is that pom pom shaking, Mr Crimm? They are so embarrassing. I love them.

Bumbercatch as always asking the important questions:

The whole British Doll thing is soooooo weird to me. I guess this was a thing for the Americans?

There is no way that many people would be outside on Christmas day in London.

Dani and Zoreaux playing with Higgins's kids is wonderful. They really commit to the bit.

Julie Higgins / Dani BFF agenda starts here, they are so cute.

Mr Shelby! (Damn you really do have to rewatch it all to get all their little references, huh?)

Oh interesting. Jade is actually not particularly rude to Nate the first time they meet. It's only after he pulls his demanding shit. I had remembered her being worse. Or maybe I've just come around to her after she took none of Rupert's shit.

Kids looking at Roy with heart eyes Part 2.

The pub lads' Bake Off chant 😂

Gifs and screenshots truly do not capture the adorableness of Colin and Will's camouflage interaction. Will's laugh is So. Cute. (Sorry. Michael, I am still holding out hope for these two)

Also, I don't know if anyone has mentioned this yet, but under the camouflage is a rainbow trim on Colin's jumper:

They truly did such a good job casting Jamie's dad.

How is Sam so smooth a) at his age and b) in the presence of Rebecca??

New headcanon: The scarves that Beard and Jeremy get from the lost and found at the Crown and Anchor were Trent's.

Jamie helping Dani walk in his dress shoes 🥰

The lads all look great at the funeral (especially Isaac). I am living for Colin's waistcoat.

Hearing Roy say "service station" is painful. At least he said aeroplane. (I am telling myself he was talking about a service station in America, because I don't think I have ever seen an advert for a petrol station in my life)

Ted is so happy when Trent texts him! (Maybe because he wrote 'The Independent' and it seems hella flirty if you don't know what's coming next and if you think about the fact he's texting at night)

I'm sorry, but Trent's byline photo is so funny.

It doesn't matter how many times I've seen it, it still hurts so much.

WILL LURKING. 💖

FOLLOW THE MONEY!

Well this makes me nervous for the end of series 3....

Still the best shot of the entire show.

That theory about leopard print indicating a character is queer? Don't forget Mae:

Dani giving Will a piggyback!

Why were we surprised to learn Sam named the restaurant after his dad? He is credited as Ola:

[shatteredwriters]

"one of the worst things I’ve discovered about people is whether or not they loved the Ted Lasso finale" yes you're so oppressed and surrounded by horrible people who, let me check my notes, don't misinterpret the show and character so badly as to make it clear they never watched the show to begin with (ted wanted to go home the whole time spoiler alert) and demand that ted take his son away from his home and his mother to give to rebecca. it's truly worse than racism

genuinely tedbecca shippers have made me hate hetshippers in general and your ship in specific. y'all ain't used to not getting your way and it shows

hi! thanks for the inbox. you know what, I think it’s fair to say the language I used in a (since deleted) post was strong. that’s something I made and sent out into the infinite void of the internet and it lacks the context in which I created it. so that’s on me.

it was intended to vent my frustrations about a conversation I was having irl and was a judgment based on those people. they were completely invalidating my opinions and not listening, just shutting me down because I disagreed with them. not being heard can hurt. it made me feel horrible and like they were entitled to believe what they wanted but I wasn’t entitled to believe what I did. so, it lead me to post something with rather harsh language and break the Ted Lasso life goal of “be curious, not judgmental”.

but again, as I answered in another post, I think we can disagree about art/media. and I was rude and I think it’s fair to call that out. as your inbox is also filled with some rather harsh language though, I again just feel attacked for an opinion. nothing about my post for the finale had anything to do with tedbecca. I was dissatisfied with the finale for many reasons: Ted’s robotic reactions, the fake-out first scene, Beard and Jane’s marriage, Roy and Jamie’s idiotic fight when the entire season arc had been developing a beautiful friendship, etc etc.

I think what this shows is that the finale has really brought out some strong feelings all over the internet. I believe what I believe and you the same. but there are things you say that I just think we’re written in bad faith. and to be cruel. the racism piece? dude. that’s just…a wild take. come on.

also just saying: I am a gay shipper in my bones and so it was weird to find myself shipping a heterosexual couple. I can count on one finger the time I’ve got my way, but that leads me to writing fan fiction and finding wonderful communities on here to discuss my ships that never happen. that’s the beauty of places like tumblr and ao3. if seeing tedbecca discourse or a random fired off tumblr post from a hurt fan of the show that just needed to get their feelings out makes you this upset and makes you hate people, then I don’t know dude. that’s a rough life.

final piece: I know saying “one of the worst things I’ve discovered about people is whether or not they loved the finale” can be taken very rudely, what I really mean is how people react when I disagree with the fact that they loved it. because I didn’t love it, I disliked most of it. and, further, the way they treat me when they find out I was a tedbecca fan is that worst thing. it’s not the opinion. it’s the way I’m treated for it.

ultimately, I’d say, I can get better and hell so can you anonymous. let’s try and be more curious and less judgmental, and let people engage with media the way they want to. hate doesn’t have a place in the Ted Lasso fandom, nor any fandom.

[thetarttfuldickhead]

A Jamie-centric pre-OT3 Christmas story told in 25 short chapters.

Masterpost / AO3

13.

”All right, listen up,” Roy said, glaring down at his sister, Keeley and Phoebe on the couch in his sister’s sitting room. “I’m not kidding around, all right? If either of you are the one pulling fu— fudging Twelve Days of Christmas on me, I need you to tell me right effing now, because if it’s not you, then I need to figure out what the he— heck is going on, because this sh— stuff is getting out of hand.”

His sister raised an unimpressed eyebrow at him. ”Roy, I work irregular and insane hours. I love you, but do you really think I have the time for anything like this?”

“Yeah, me too, babe,” Keeley chimed in. “And I mean, hiring a banner plane? That’s gotta be like at least a thousand quid, and you know I think you are an absolute legend, I really do, but I’m not going to spend that much money writing it across the sky. I’d much rather tell you in person.”

She would, too. Did, on a regular basis. Roy accepted her denial with a curt nod, and turned his stare on Phoebe.

“Roy,” Sophia said exasperatedly, “Phoebe is six.”

“Yes, Uncle Roy, I don’t think I could do all that.”

“Yeah, but you could have had an accomplice.”

“Roy.”

“Yeah, all right,” he muttered. But he’d had to ask, hadn’t he? Of all the people in the world, he was pretty sure Phoebe was the person most likely to want to do this kind of stuff for him, even if she didn’t quite have the means yet.

“Did you talk to Ted?” Keeley asked. “Sounds like it might be right up his alley, yeah? Always thought he’d make a great Father Christmas.”

Roy grunted. “Called him this morning. He said it wasn’t him and spouted a bunch of American nonsense at me. I think he was telling the truth.”

But who did that leave, then? Was it really just some random and insane fan? Feeling oddly deflated, Roy sat down on the couch next to Keeley, who immediately took his hand. “I’m sorry, babe,” she said. “It’s really messing with your head, huh? Not that it shouldn’t, it is fucking – sorry Phoebs – weird. And a bit creepy. Maybe you should talk to the police? Or I could talk to Rebecca, see if she has any ideas?”

”I don’t fu— I don’t know. Because I don't think they're about to take an axe to my head or anything. It’s all just so… random and thoughtful at the same time. This morning, a bunch of carollers knocked on my door but instead of Christmas songs they burst into a Sade medley!”

Unexpectedly, Keeley’s grip on his hand tightened. “Did you say a Sade medley?” she asked slowly.

Roy turned to look at her. “Yeah. Why?”

“Um,” Keeley said, looking both confused and a little worried. “This is going to sound mad, babe, but I think that maybe it’s… Jamie.”

Roy barked a laugh. Then he noticed that Keeley wasn't smiling, that there was no teasing twinkle in her eyes.

Roy stared at her. Then he stared at her. And then he stared at her some more. Then he got up at started pacing.

“What,” he said.

And: “That’s not mad, that’s so far beyond absolutely batshit crazy that if it went supernova the light from that explosion wouldn’t reach batshit crazy in a billion fucking years.”

(“That’s a quid, Uncle Roy.”)

 “Why the fuck would Jamie Tartt send me fucking gifts and decorate my porch and send fucking carollers after me?”

(“That’s another three.”)

“I knew something was up with him, it’s another fucking TV show, isn’t it, the little idiot’s signed up for another one, it’s a fucking prank, and we need to check the entire house for cameras. Jesus fucking Christ, I’m going to fucking strangle the muppet, I will actually fucking kill him.”

(“I think I lost count. Can we say ten?”)

“Babe,” Keeley said, rising from the couch to put a hand on Roy’s shoulder. “You need to calm down, yeah? For one, you’ll go bankrupt if you keep swearing like this around Phoebe, and for another, I— Listen, I have no clue what Jamie is up to – if it is Jamie, we don’t know that, but if it is, I don’t… I don’t think he means any harm.”

“It’s Jamie,” Roy said darkly. “Of course he means harm.” But even as he said it, he remembered the expression on Jamie’s face in the restaurant. Maybe… “What the heck is he playing at?” he asked the room at large.

“I don’t know, babe. But we’ll find out, all right?”

[sokkigarden]

Yeah the Jane and Beard ending was weird (I’m writing that as in Ted’s head) especially with how it was obvious that everyone around Beard thought Jane was awful. Dutchman and Rebecca is like cute kinda silly I don’t mind it. The Jamie and Roy fighting over Keeley felt both out of place yet made sense? For a while Jamie and Roy were rivals but I don’t remember Keeley ever being at the center of it. I guess it could be like a call to just because you’re growing doesn’t mean you stop making mistakes or have poor judgments. It could also be due to Jamie and Roy are now friends and don’t have anything to cause tension between them except their affection for Keeley. They confront it and then realize they’re dumb. But like I feel that scene would make more sense earlier in the season. I hope we get like a mini series of some sort especially with so many open doors for it.

As for time jumps- yeah especially when they are canon it really annoys me. I can only think of one show that did a good job of it but it was animated 😵‍💫

no yeah my issue w the love triangle angle for roy jamie and keeley is it literally NEVER happened earlier so why bring it up now😭

but i do remember phil dunster saying he loves jamie’s arc so much as it shows that people can grow and change and still backslide a lil bit or still make mistakes and i do agree with that. the writing just felt misogynistic in the way jamie and roy spoke about keeley which was so surprising considering earlier interactions.

i will die on the hill that we deserved like three more eps AT LEAST. we had so many story lines going on at the same time it felt rushed :( but alas. i’m kinda glad it’s all over bc the characters did grow and become different people and their stories were wrapping up. i think we already saw what happens when they go on too long with keeley, and how the writers just put her in a bunch of random situations this season lmao

[fanficfanattic]

The wonderful thing about how little concrete information we got is that there are an infinite number of paths to write about. The terrible thing about how little concrete information we got is that there are an infinite number of paths to write about!

So in one direction you could have James playing Georgie and Jamie off of each other. Telling each of them to keep quiet and hide it or he’ll start in on the other.

Or he’s blatant about it but Jamie can only do his best to minimize what happens to him and Georgie should have prioritized him but was too scared to do anything. Doesn’t much match up with James’ attempt at wooing her by being super dad, though. Like she had obviously taken a stand against him.

A head canon I have for when I want it to be especially tragic is that she was young when they married and still young when they divorced. Maybe she’s dyslexic (too) and trusted him when he said what the divorce papers included. When he showed back up he had legal access to his son. Getting a lawyer to fight that? Too expensive.

Honestly even if she was a normal age and read the papers thoroughly, that shit is so convoluted. She wouldn’t have a lawyer for that, so it’d be easy to mix up physical vs legal custody. Especially full vs partial. Visitation? Every other weekend?

In general, domestic violence is too often ignored or swept under the rug. So even if she tried to get help, that wouldn’t be guaranteed effective. And when you’re poor, existing can be considered a crime. So she’d have to be willing to go to the police at all, and if they’d do anything would be a risk. Plus:

“Ay, it’s me ex-wife, the harpy. The boy is a footballer, always getting knocked about, and she thinks she can use those bruises to ‘make me pay’. Fucking women, amirite?” And, uhh, a LOT of people would agree that he is right.

But she also could have given up the fight; he left her alone once she let him have Jamie. And he still loves his mum so he could have let those lines blur. Given the way he occasionally seems to misplace blame on himself, he could easily have believed it was his fault that he got shuffled off.

Math-wise, it seems like Georgie would have to have started dating Simon after Jamie was 14. Since there was the whole thing with James trying to get back together with Georgie then. THOUGH. That could have been his intent regardless of her status. If Jamie said mummy was dating someone serious, James seems like the type of bastard to decide he wasn’t gonna let some random bloke steal “his” wife. But realistically Jamie would have been almost grown when Simon entered their lives. Makes for a weird time to become a father figure. (More like a bother figure, ha!)

And yet “…Roy Kent remains.” Simon might have been told that. But he said it very much like he was there for those changes. Back to James’ intent vs Georgie’s actual relationship status. James could easily be one of those people who is used to charming/manipulating people to get his way. He might have thought just him being there while being A Good Dad would be enough to make Georgie see the light.

Divorce is hard, as Ted would say, and domestic violence is messy no matter how you cut it. Mix in a rough neighborhood and a high control hyper-masculine sport situation…that’s a lot of pressure to act certain ways coming from multiple angles.

I feel that people often idealise Jamie's childhood in any way that doesn't involve his dad. I see all these takes that make it seem like oh yeah he had an abusive dad but beside that he lived happily with Georgie and they didn't have much money but they were happy and content and things were good.

But it's Canon that he grew up on a council estate in North manchester in the late 90s early 2000s. Council estates in north manchester at that time weren't quaint and wholesome, the violent crime rates were crazy. He definitely saw a fair bit of violence (Plus, while Georgie obviously loves jamie loads, the fact she let his abusive alcoholic dad around him up to at least 14 years old indicates that maybe she wasn't always the best at keeping jamie safe from bad people growing up.)

Hi Anon

I've always had a view that Jamie's childhood was a struggle - I've got this head-canon that Jamie was torn between Jame's and Georgie, this conflict of a father's expectations and Jamie being influenced to dominate, not because of being conditioned - although Jame's likely had a massive impact on Jamie's personality and attitude, but because he feared the consequences of not 'dominating'.

Realistically, we really don't know much about Jamie's relationship with his mother (or Simon) and only saw the briefest of insights in S3, that indicated he had a good and happy relationship with them. I think the ritual scene on S1 hinted it wasn't always like that - when Jamie acknowledged he didn't think his mum would be proud of him (although that could also have been Jamie's own unaddressed fears).

I think a lot of fans/viewers hope that Jamie had some happy and safe place with his mum and while I agree with you that Georgie might have known about Jame's abusiveness, part of me wonders how much Jamie tried to hide from her?

I hate to think that Jamie had to choose between his parents - and I don't think Georgie would have made him - but there's a possibility the situation made Jamie think he had to, due to fear of consequences to himself or his mum?

Also, I'd love to know more about Jamie and Simon and how Jamie reacted to this completely different man to his own father. Did Jamie have difficulty accepting him as his stepfather? Did he have trouble trusting another male figure in his life?

I don't think anything was easy for Jamie and I just want to learn so much more.

[tragicbooks]

<p>9 surprisingly heartwarming moments you may have missed in last night's 'Game of Thrones.'</p>

Welcome to “A Song of Nice and Fire” Upworthy’s weekly series recapping one of the most brutal shows on TV. Since brutality is not really in our wheelhouse, Eric March has taken it upon himself to dig deep, twist and turn, and squint really hard to see if he can find the light of kindness in all the darkness. He may not always succeed, but by gosh if he won’t try his best.

Here’s what he found on this week’s "Game of Thrones."

FIREBALL!

GIF by "Game of Thrones"/HBO.

For an episode high on characters non-consensually set ablaze, "The Spoils of War" featured a lot of man's-kindness-toward-his-fellow-man. I didn't even have to squint that hard.

Let's dive right in!

1. The Stark siblings reunite!

"You guys are weird." Photo by Helen Sloan/HBO.

After six and a half seasons, thousands of miles traveled, several months of assassin training, two nightmare marriages, and one attempt to kind of become a tree, the remaining three children of Ned and Catelyn Stark finally get the band back together — and it's glorious.

Sure, it's also a little awkward. Bran behaves like the world's most insufferable college freshman home for Thanksgiving who has thoughts about the categorical imperative, while Sansa increasingly suspects that Arya's kill list might include a certain red-headed sister whose name rhymes with Pantsa Park. Arya, meanwhile, is too busy fighting knights three times her size to a draw to really bother with any palace intrigue, stirring up some of her sister's long-buried childhood resentment. But for the most part, everyone hugs and has a nice, easygoing break from the generational trauma they've been subjected to.

And just like at most family reunions...

2. Everyone gives everyone a dagger!

Like a fruitcake on Christmas morning, Westeros' most infamous stabbing implement — the knife that almost ended Bran way back in season one — spends a majority of last night's episode being re-gifted. Littlefinger gives it to Bran, who gives it to Arya, who gives it to Brienne, who gives it back to Arya. Sure, they all have different motives, not all of them 100% pure, but hey, it's the thought that counts!

Judging by Arya's rapid mastery of the weapon, I can easily imagine it making its way into a certain perpetually-on-the-edge-of-cynical-laughter face before too long.

Careful who you pawn that fruitcake off on...

3. A Lannister pays her debt.

What do you know? Cersei actually delivers on her promise to make good on her loan from the Iron Bank.

"Profits. Dividends. ROI." Photo by Helen Sloan/HBO.

That's A+ financial responsibility, even if it involved poisoning an old woman to death to make it happen.

Gotta balance those books!  

4. Bran thanks Meera for dragging him thousands of miles through the snow.

Yes, he does so in the most ungrateful, detached way possible and leaves out a few minor details and incidental dead friends, but if we set the bar as low as we possibly can, he does say thank you. Turns out you can be all-knowing and all-seeing and still recall the essential Emily Post.

Anyway, Meera's off the show now probably, so score one for character economy!

5. Jon gives Daenerys a free art history lesson in the dragonglass mine.

Time was, a guided tour of the catacombs beneath Dragonstone would set you back 175 euros and a cooler full of overpriced baguettes, but here's Jon, giving it to Daenerys free of charge!

"I think I'm gonna take a pool day, but you two go ahead!" Photo by Macall B. Polay/HBO.

Of course, there's no such thing as a free lunch. It turns out that in addition to enough dragonglass to slay an army of white walkers, the mine contains some seriously spiral-y etchings that conveniently help Jon sell the story he failed to adequately transmute to his potential ally-in-walking-dead-killing a few days (Weeks? Months? Centuries? What is the timeline on this show?) prior. Panicked, throne-room descriptions of ice zombies delivered by a man wearing an IKEA shag rug on his back? Eh. The same story scratched onto a cave wall? That's the sort of thing that gets a dragon queen on board.

Jon wins her over enough that Dany offers her killing prowess — in exchange for your standard pledge of undying loyalty and submission ("Bend the knee"). Unfortunately, there are some plan-hitches even Dany is unaware of.

Thankfully...

6. Tyrion delivers the good news first!

"Also, loooove the sash." Photo by Macall B. Polay/HBO.

Good communicators know how to sandwich bad news in between the good, and that's exactly what Westeros' smartest, most prolific talker does by leading with the glorious capture of Casterly Rock before filling in the small matter of the trapped Unsullied, ransacked resources, and dead allies.

The delivery is so tactful that Daenerys remains cool enough to probe Jon for advice — and seems to take it when he reminds her why people are into her in the first place.

People, that is, like him. He seems into her.

Also, she is his aunt.

Weirdly, we all 'ship it.

7. Jamie casually persuades Randyll Tarly not to whip a bunch of his soldiers.

Look, it really sucks when your exhausted army is moving at a snail's pace, and flogging the slow-moving dudes does seem like the kind of thing that would speed things up, but props to Jamie for urging his co-commander to at least give the guys a stern talking-to before going all "Fifty Shades of Grey" on them.

Later, Jamie, the most morally medium Lannister, continues to get right with his gods by attempting to talk Tarly's son Dickon out of his shell shock. His efforts are nearly undone by Bronn, who not only laughs at the dude's admittedly hilarious name but proceeds to mock his pampered upbringing with a well-/poorly timed poop quip.

But the sellsword rapidly redeems himself because not seven seconds later...

8. Dany goes for a dragon ride!

What good is painstakingly raising three dragons from birth if you're going to sit around and not ride them? To the delight of viewers and horselords alike, aspiring Queen Daenerys finally scratches the itch for the first time since landing in Westeros.

Her first destination? Straight at a bunch of unsuspecting Lannister soldiers (cf. the above "FIREBALL!").

Mercifully, in the ensuing (epically one-sided) carnage...

9. Bronn ditches his sack of gold to save Jamie's life...

"Um ... hm!" Photo by Helen Sloan/HBO.

...when they and several hundred of their closest foot soldiers find themselves under combined assault from the Dothraki, who apparently brought a teleportation machine over from the steppe (again, I have to ask — how quickly is time moving on this show?) and the aforementioned 50-foot fire monster from the maw of hell. In an act of utter and utterly surprising selflessness, when forced to choose between his spilled gold and the lives of his comrades, Bronn elects to leave the cash money behind and make a beeline for the scorpion in a vain attempt to spear Daenerys' one-woman scaly air force out of the sky.

Indeed, for a supposedly honor-less killing machine, not only does Bronn sniff out the oncoming horde in the first place and trade his pay for the chance to save a couple dozen Ed Sheerans, he (or some guy who really looks like him) also risks involuntary immolation to push Jamie into the most conveniently adjacent river of all time, sparing him an untimely death-by-Drogon.

Give that man his castle, already.

P.S. — While it's not exactly "nice," credit to director Matt Shakman for providing lots of long, lingering shots of Lannister soldiers screaming and staggering around on fire, reminding us that war really, really sucks if you're the little guy — even if you fight for the baddies.

Random Acts of Niceness

Jon, who hasn't seen Theon since all that, you know, stuff went down, demonstrates heroic restraint and refrains from smashing the ironborn lordling's face in. Funny how so many of the nicest moments on this show involve one character not killing another character they emphatically should kill! Take it where you can get it, I guess.

Littlefinger promises to protect all of Catelyn Stark's children, which seems sweet until you remember it's a vow that conveniently leaves out a certain sibling/cousin/bastard who just happens to be out of town giving museum tours at the moment.

Thanks to Stannis, Davos is now an insufferable grammar pedant who knows the difference between "less" and "fewer." Stannis appreciates the congrats.

Whew! Lots to cover on the kindness beat. Join me next week when, hopefully, Jamie finally learns Dickon's name (assuming the golden-armed general hasn't drowned), Sam finally gets to read the long academic tome of his dreams, and Tormund and his wildling brigade report nothing of note going on at Eastwatch-by-the-Sea — false alarm!