#so frustrated with myself
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I wish I could go back in time and beg myself not to talk to certain people and save myself the trauma
#ryan.txt#trauma#so frustrated with myself#like I know I didn’t know at the time but I’m so frustrated and blaming myself#I should’ve known#(which logically doesn’t make sense)#but still
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Writing update
Haha, I'm having a bit of a hard time writing these past few weeks. There quite possibly won't be an update this weekend. I'm trying but writer's block is a real problem. I'm so sorry!
#dracoria talks#writing is hard#writing stuff#so frustrated with myself#if you have ideas lemme know hah#this always happens when I'm trying to reach a specific plot point and need a lil time between em...
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me about to fail this test when I was given all the materials I needed to succeed I just didn’t use them. 👍🏻 live laugh love
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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Being filled with so much love and not doing anything with it hurts for some reason I need to explode and die <- having a normal one
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9 / 266
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#itadori yuuji#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk 266#fanart#jjk fanart#itafushi#jujutsu kaisen fanart#used th itfs tag bc its implied and this is an itfs piece i said so#i dont think ive seen this parallel made yet??? but its ok if it has#i just had the idea hit at gross o clock last night when i ws alr exhausted n had 2 force myself to sleep instead of drawing it#i just . clutches chest . YUUJI#th char development the emotional maturity..#the willingness to put aside his gojo voice personal feelings in favour of giving megumi agency over his own life#rather than burden him with expectations the way every1 has done fr both of them over the course of the series...#tears in my eyes thats my mc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway art notes i think lower one is some of the best yuuji hair ive drawn 2 date#it's kind of similar to one of my 265 redraws but i think i struck a better balance in how thoroughly i rendered it here#proud of my me but also SO grateful tht yuuji has not been fighting me lately#so much yuuji content these past chapters i cant imagine th frustration having to Also fight him in order 2 create content fr them#anyway itafushi kaisen is real and canon and alive and yuuji singlehandedly discovered th cure 2 my mental illness w this line
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just a normal guy surrounded by residents with evil in their hearts
#my art#doodle#fanart#resident evil 7#resident evil 8#ethan winters#hes havin a bad day im havin a bad day but with the power of takin your frustrations out on fictional characters i will prevail#he wont but thats not whats important here#i wish i was surrounded by literal horrors instead of the internal unseeable horrors that plague me so that i could justify the incredibly#hard time im havin to myself like hey its not my fault im literally dead#but anyways thats the post. heres to coping with life cheers
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Novice sewing pattern: Cut out shapes. Line up the little triangles on the edges. Stitch edges together. We've also included step-by-step assembly instructions with illustrations.
Novice knitting pattern: yOU MUSt uNDerstANd thE SECret cOdE CO67 (73, 87, 93) BO44 (63, 76, 90) 28 (32, 34) slip first pw repeat 7x K to end *kl (pl) 42 * until 13" (13, 13, 15) join new at 30 pl for 17 rows ssk 27 k2tog mattress lengthwise BO and sacrifice a goat to the knitting gods. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT "INSTRUCTIONS," I JUST GAVE THEM TO YOU
#knitting#no it's not a real pattern but I can't write one that makes sense because I have no freaking clue what any of that means#How do you make things that aren't basic rectangles#Why has every knitter I've asked for help just said 'patterns are easy; you just have to know how to read them' & then refused to teach me#Where do I even find a goat to sacrifice#How do I join the pattern cult#I am so confused#I've been knitting for almost a decade but I can only make scarves and potholders#I learned one (1) stitch by watching a YouTube video and none of my friends or family knit so I have no IRL resources#And nobody I meet seems to want to take the time to explain the rest to me#I taught myself to sew through trial and error but that doesn't really work with knitting because error is pretty much just... Unraveling?#Anyway sorry for the tag rant I'm just frustrated that I see pretty things I want to make but the instructions are in an alien language#And the gap between 'absolute novice' and 'intermediate' seems to be about 20 years of experience and formal instruction
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can you even imagine what a fucking horror show the early game is from spite's perspective, though. not only is this funky forcibly severed little slip of the fade having to deal with the reverse cosmic horror of physical reality as perceived by a spirit and being trapped in it against its will -- existentially confused and disoriented and hurting and nothing makes any kind of sense, at the mercy of human cruelty at its most deliberately sadistic. and then the one source of comfort and compassion and some kind of safety and clarity that lucanis surely must have been to him in the ossuary despite everything just goes and shuts himself in his room inside with a seemingly passive aggressive number of locks between them and no explanation and won't speak to him and they're STILL in the fucking ossuary. rook came and found them and they could be free now (rook is here!) and still lucanis keeps them in the ossuary even though he PROMISED he promised they'd get out of there together!!! what the fuck DO you think at that point? like did he trick me that whole time??? he wasn't like zara before, so why is he doing this to me now? why isn't he saying anything? 'he won't move. I can't reach him'. at least in the ossuary they had a deal, a goal, a hope -- each other. at least he wasn't entirely alone, before.
this poor poor poor little spite spirit really was ferried into the real world like 'hey welcome to reality! as your first introduction to it you're first getting horrifically tortured and then getting to vicariously experience one of THE most distressing and harrowing psychological conditions the human brain can cook up for itself (a fully fledged and deeply entrenched freeze response flaring up with catastrophic severity due to an unbroken ongoing and unlikely to let up any time soon chain of Unfortunately... Recent Events). I think spite is being extremely reasonable and patient about the whole thing, when you put it into perspective. I'm not saying let him eat the self-lighting candles or anything, but he's got some extremely valid points along the way lol. spite is not only child-like, the metaphor work going on is a lot more pleasingly flexible and complex than that, but he is also helplessly existentially dependent on lucanis in a way that, if anything, is a heightened version of the way a child (or child part) has to depend on a parent to navigate the world and survive.
tl;dr: we truly don't give enough sympathy to spite for having to live in the head of lucanis dellamorte. a place even lucanis dellamorte would prefer not to be. to be fair to him I think lucanis would be the first person to agree with this lol
#it's a lot like it would be if a spirit possessed me I suspect. like sorry you're in here too now I've tried to get out myself but no luck#possessor's remorse#spite very much did not have a choice in all of that he's just working with the hand he's been dealt here lol#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#spite#lucanis dellamorte#spite is such a little gremlin but looking at what's going on from his pov for even like a split second is so heartbreaking haha#one of my favourite parts of their relationship is that there clearly is affection of some sort on both sides even at the beginning#beneath the resentment and confusion and fear and mutual frustrations there is also real and enduring care#the fact that lucanis is genuinely kind and spite is genuinely loyal in his spirit-y way. I just. I need a moment.#the nice thing about playing a mourn watcher is that it's easy to imagine rook sort of glimpsing the outlines of some of this#and being quite understanding with spite even as they don't want to be invasive or step on lucanis' still-tender trauma toes about it#be nice to spite. like all of us he is Going Through it fr fr perhaps even more so. and he doesn't even get to have FIRE 😔#*grumbly spite voice* I hate this fucking family
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I have this idea in my head of a Faulkner painting and it's SO clear when I imagine it and I just can't do it even the rough sketches are not coming out right and I'm going insane.
#The Silt Verses#Brother Faulkner#I'm going insane I'm going crazy I'm so frustrated I can't draw I can't draw I can't draw anymore god damn#Not helped by the fact that I'm busy and should be drawing and doing other things#So it's hard to give myself time to figure things out
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xiaolumi resurrected from my heart for the new year!!
#genshin impact#genshin impact fanart#xiaolumi#xiaolumi fanart#lumine fanart#xiao fanart#rameiixo#i havent stopped thinking about them. like ever#i feel like i could go on rambles forever about how thoroughly special they feel to me#aside from… xiao being my love……#but thats for another day#i have all these ideas and i concept them#but i always think i cant do those ideas justice ? like what kind of creative redundancy is that#i got so frustrated with myself that i do not care anymore i want to make things i love#excited to see where i end up a year from now!
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matej doodle
#art#felvidek#felvidek fanart#i'm trying to learn to draw simple stuff so i won't spend days on arts and be frustrated with myself#but it turns out it's even worse when you are a perfectionist.#Man i just want to like my art in the end of the day#so frustrated i can't even write right but my brain isn't braining i won't bother
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"little miss prairie faerie" is a cute name actually... (but I won't use it if she doesn't like it)
#neopets#illusen#aquanutart#thank you faerie festival for letting me support my childhood fave#even though i stumbled into the festival five days in and was randomly assigned a team because i was too late to choose#i was like yesss i can get rid of all my junk from the plot--wait i can get a faerie doll??#nevermind. i have to do this RIGHT#okay! time to rediscover my addiction to cheat!#...okay! time to restrain myself from spending all my free time on cheat!#i used to sit there obsessively playing cheat! on dial-up back in the day#also due to the festival i won at cheeseroller for the first time in my entire life. then i was too happy with my honey cheese to donate it#as a kid i didn't know how to play cheeseroller because i didn't know what cheese name to enter#i just sat there staring at the empty input box trying to think of a name of a cheese out of my head. it was very frustrating#i kept playing cheeseroller after i won because i was so happy i finally figured out how to play but i haven't won again since then#my one honey cheese remains my treasured prize. no i did not donate it#anyway my determination to farm 8-point items ended after one day when i realized how much time it takes to play cheat!#and i switched to 6-point but then missed a day and wound up with not enough points to get the staff#but i had actually been agonizing anyway over how i wouldn't end up with enough points to get the staff AND the faerie doll#simple choice now. i can have faerie dolls guilt-free
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Because I agonised for an hour or more this morning on how i would get groceries before 'allowing' myself to order them to be delivered:
You don't have to push yourself to your absolute limit constantly as a disabled person to prove you are worthy of care and support and recovery/improvement/symptom management. (I know this is a broad spectrum that varies for each person).
Abled people do strictly unnecessary things to make their lives easier all the time. You're allowed to do that too.
#seriously it was like- i can't drive so it's easier to walk to the supermarket with my crutches#but then i'll need both of them#and it's nearly impossible (for me) to shop in a way that isn't extra labour and frustration with two crutches#so I should probably take my wheelchair#but that still limits me to what I can carry home in a backpack#and I have to cross major roads to get there without traffic lights and that's more difficult in my chair#and I'm already trying to recover from the past two days#and I have hobbies I want to do today and class to attend tomorrow#so I don't want to max myself out just getting groceries#but i *need* groceries today because otherwise myself and (more importantly imo) my cat won't have anything to eat (literal)#anyway uhh... being disabled is so much work that abled people without disabled folks in their lives don't see#radio chatter#actually disabled#actually chronically ill#mobility aid user
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Fury made Alanna gasp for breath. How could anyone get well in a menagerie? How could Jonathan breathe? This went against all the commonsense rules Maude had taught her for healing: clean air, quiet, absolute cleanliness, calm and reassuring voices. Didn't these people know anything?
#song of the lioness#tamora pierce#alanna the lioness#alanna the first adventure#tortall#watercolour#so elephant in the room is i remembered that I forgot to buy a card reader for the new computer and so i had to do a phone photo to finish#and i think youll agree that theres some very egregious artifacting going on#it is what it is i wanted to finish and didn't want to buy a card reader yet#anyway my thinking here is this would all be that much more tragic if everyone was in desecrating Jons childhood bedroom/tween nursery that#that maybe he hadn't quite left behind yet for a more appropriate crown-princling set of rooms because this is the turning point right#Jons dying he's not going to be allowed to grow up- Alanna is frustrated by the limitations of her own age and size and postilion#so alanna reaches outside those limits- with myles/with the gods and in doing so neither children are ever the same#that's my ted talk thanks for listening ive had a couple of months to think about it because I myself had several serious flu's that i cant#seem to shake while ive been picking away at doing this one i could have referenced myself for jons sweaty knocking on deaths door pose
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Team W! As in Who let them near the fire rods???
Four, Legend and Hyrule
#linked universe#lu warriors#lu wild#lu wind#my art#lu#Warriors' hair and the Slate made me want to scream in frustration#Why do I do this to myself?#I am genuinely so proud of how Wind turned out tho#I just wanna smoosh his cheeks#Also there is no way that boy lives on the ocean and doesn't have a hell of a tan#anyways#feel free to come yell at me about LU!
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