#so for some reason im gonna go back today and confront my fears

[wetslug]

donated plasma for first time and it actually hurt a decent amount and made me feel really shitty but hnggg i need money

[082112]

I told Nirali today that I decided to leave Outer Coast.

Context: for the past week or two I’ve been having horrible anxiety and it’s brought up all these horrible things inside me. I was afraid I was socially deficient and that I was vain and unimportant and had something wrong with me and would be consigned to a life of being secondary and being lonely, and perceived even normal activities or coincidences as slights against me from people or from the universe. I wanted to leave, and I told my parents and all my friends back home. I’ve been quite short and terse in classes this entire week to all my teachers. Yesterday after crying in front of Nirali admitting just a tiny fraction of this, I called home and then typed out a long rant while crying, lying perfectly horizontal facing the wall in my bed, until my literal eyeballs hurt. I showed up 5 minutes late to SB meeting clearly having bawled out my eyes too. Some excerpts from said rant:

gonna drop out of this microcollege because it’s actually been destroying my mental health and self image for the past few weeks

and i’m constantly convinced something is wrong with me socially

how violently angry and petulant my reaction [to being extended an offer to connect and spend time together with a teacher] was is a clear sign i’m not okay and clearly have some unmitigated issues. but every experience of someone else in my cohort having friends or a good time seems to me like clear evidence that i’m a social failure who isn’t strong enough to see what i do through (re: dropping out) and is cowardly enough to run away from things instead of actually confronting them

like. what if there’s something wrong with me and everyone that has loved me and chose to know me, ever, is because i got lucky

and the reasons i keep telling myself to stay are “i need a transcript from this microcollege so grad schools can see im not bumming around” “maybe my teacher here can write me a good letter of rec for grad school” “how am i gonna explain this to the x scholarship committee that my character and personal failings were so great I dropped out of something I intentionally walked into and was so excited for and told all my friends about when in fact I just acted like a huge petty loser at the end and ran away”

and my god. what if someone at this place saw through all the pleasant smiles and intellect and reflexive laughter and they saw the jealousy and insecurity and anger and fear. wouldn’t that be horrible?

I also texted Sun and Huitzilin about how I wanted to leave. Huitzilin actually told me about their experience too, which reinforced my decision, and I think by the end of the night I had made up my mind I was going to go.

Conversation excerpts from me, there:

Ugh. Is it crazy to feel like you’re losing your personhood? I feel like I should be experiencing the opposite at a place where we’re supposed to be learning radical new ways of understanding the world. But I keep on feeling like the opposite where I’m just a body with obligations to “community partners” and “class” instead of an actual conviction to do these things. And I was so excited originally too!

I also feel mildly insane for the thoughts of like “but no transcript?” (Said in the tone of no bitches? no head?) and like “if I only stayed for 10wks it doesn’t seem impressive enough as a full semester” and “what if everyone learns something life changing the day I leave and I am the only one who was left out on the Forbidden Mysterious knowledge” and shit 📲💁🏻‍♀️🤣👍😅😋👍

yes!! I have talked to my parents incessantly about this because like. I have ALL these reasons to stay. and I’ve been beating myself up over like not being excited enough about them or whatever

but at the same time the only thing that sort of makes me feel better is the thought of leaving

Which probably says something about like, how I’m doing. And maybe my need to go DESPITE all these fun shiny experiences I could have while staying

And so today I woke up having decided that I am going to leave, and lay in bed until around 11:30 just idly on my phone (cancelled my hatchery service and everything), called my mom to tell her I decided to leave, emailed Nirali for an extra meeting, took a shower, went to lunch, went to class.

In class we had some guests, and Matthew talked about a tough event that had happened yesterday - a pair of shoes belonging to a past SJ student was found on campus during construction - and so the Kiks.ádi clan was going to come today and do a ceremony. Our guest Yeilt’ooch’ Tláa shared a really beautiful phrase they used in the Yukon:

Which she wrote and I approached her after to annotate. She had this amazing air to her that felt so welcoming and kind and grateful and it made me feel very happy to talk to her briefly. I found it tremendously beautiful and moving. In this context she said it to the people of history, I think, the people that lived on SJ campus, and the idea that we will not leave you all behind - as in we will not forget you, we will not leave you behind in the past. But she says it’s used for many occasions in the Yukon, not just for the recognition and bearing of history. Teenagers, she said, will say it to each other. If you have a 12-year-old that is slow. If you have a group of people running together. Hél is another version of Tlél (lit. translation “not”), yee is the second person plural, nák_ is “to leave behind,” and gax_too.aat is “we will” + “go” (used in reference to multiple people, who are us).

I thought about this for a while and was moved. I think this is a sentiment I will carry too. It’s reassuring to hear. It makes you feel cared for. And it’s very powerful, too. I thought about all the ways I wanted to bear history and the people I did not want to leave behind in it: my family, my predecessors on this continent, people in the world whose legacy or way of being I inherit, in one way or another, unto myself. And then I started thinking about how I could co-opt this for graduate school admissions (Histories of women? Queerness? Diaspora? Some other buzzword?) and now as I write this I feel mildly terrible about that.

(Quick aside: being here has gifted me a beautiful lexicon. “Ways of knowing,” “ways of being,” “holding things,” and so on. Haa kusteeyí, I think they spell it in Tlingit. Not sure on that though.)

Anyway, after class I approached Nirali and told her that I had decided I was leaving, and she told me that I was a gift, to which I asked for a hug and tried very hard not to cry. And then she was off to the ceremony and I was off to sit in my room and browse the CSmajors Reddit. Matthew said there would be a drum circle down at the docks at 5 and so a little bit before 5 I went down to the docks. I saw the ceremony still going while walking down so I mildly but did not particularly expect them.

I sat on the dock and looked at the setting sun and listened to the Oh Hellos.

I also talked into the SSP server about said feelings. At this point I was having a really lovely day because I had learned that wonderful phrase earlier and the sunset and sitting on the dock was very beautiful. I noticed the tide was very low so I walked down the path next to the science center onto the beach. The water had receded further than I had ever seen before, maybe fifty feet back, and plenty of rocks with barnacles and seaweed and sea grass (I was rather taken by how pretty and silky it looked) and mussels were all exposed. I spent maybe 10 minutes walking in this low tide zone. I tried to climb a large rock but my shoes kept slipping and so I made a smart decision to slide on my butt back down. Then I freaked myself out by telling myself waterlines always recede dramatically before tsunamis and scampered back up to SJ campus. (I’m pretty sure tsunamis are also preceded by earthquakes and that we get notifications for them if we can detect them, but hey anxiety, my old friend.)

While walking back I saw the mountains behind SJ campus. I think it was one of the Sisters. They were tall and pink-shadowed and very beautiful.

I then met with one of my SSP mentees to work on her early action essays, had dinner, found out the drum circle happened ten minutes after I’d left, felt mildly betrayed, and met with my other SSP mentee. I called my mom briefly to tell her about how great of a day I’d had and how it made me feel conflicted about leaving again. Now I keep thinking: but today was so lovely. If I have days like today, I don’t want to leave. There must be many more beautiful things that are waiting in the future here. Won’t I be missing all these new ways of knowing?

Afterwards I went into Jazz’s room and tried to tell her about leaving, but Ben came in and asked us to go to Pell’s. Normally I would say no thank you. But I was thinking, I’m leaving and I haven’t even been to Pell’s. So we went to Pell’s (I wore 4 layers on top and 2 layers on the bottom). It was very cold.

The stars were very beautiful. I was informed that at Samsing cabin everyone could a) see even more stars, even the Milky Way and b) everyone smoked weed together. One part was surprising to me. I did not know that.

I then begged to go on the docks to see the stars better. Apparently the aurora was supposed to be visible on the horizon tonight, but the mountains and town are north and we did not see much. Ben suggested the tennis courts, so we lay down there and I told them that I wanted to leave. Neither of them seemed very surprised and both were very supportive. Then I told them about how I was having second thoughts because of how nice a day I was having, to which Ben empathized. “I had the most fun when I thought I was leaving,” he said. “It was because I thought fuck it and just started doing things.” I agreed. I had just done that with Pell’s.

We also made it a bit down to the docks (it was very slippery, as a thin sheet of frost was intermingled with the top layer of wood) before we went back to Yaw because the other two people had to piss. Afterwards we dragged 3 sleeping pads outside to lie in the grass and look at the stars more. I told Jazz a bit of how horribly I was feeling these past 2 weeks and how I was worried there was something wrong with me. She was very kind and was like, “why didn’t you tell me! It helps to have someone there for you!” to which I was only able to sort of say something about pride and fear and not being able to ask for things in the thick of it.

The truth is that I think I keep pride and fear (and a few other relatives) so intensely close to me, so constantly, that they become my silence. And I really need to work on that. I think I will stick it through and leave. And I know I am leaving because I had such an awful experience with mental health these past few weeks which made me so sad to be here, in such a beautiful place. And I know that that experience happened because I was in a hard place, and I have been carrying a lot of weight, and I need to learn to listen to myself and be more kind to myself. I am horrible and ruthless to myself and I really deserve better. I think I have many parts of myself that are wonderful and gentle and good. But when I get so into my head, all I can do is think about how horrible I am and how vain and shallow and insubstantial I think myself to be. And I don’t really deserve that.

So I think I’m going to follow through with leaving. I need to figure out how to tell the rest of SB and staffulty. To be honest, I kind of really don’t want to. Especially after such a good day. And the kindness and warmth people bring on purpose here. Ben said that it’s hard to leave community. It’s hard to find a place where people genuinely care for you like they do here. And I think that is very true. I wish I spoke to staffulty more, picked their brains more, asked them more questions. But perhaps if I had stayed here and hurted I still would have left unsatisfied and resentful and unconnected. In this sense I think I would like to try again (not necessarily by repeating any experiences, but trying again as in connecting with others again) once I work with myself a little more.

I will miss this tremendously. Already I have a fear that I will never find a place like this in the world again. But I also think it is not wrong to go home. To rest - truly rest - and to ask myself how I can begin to heal. I don’t want to frame this as me blaming myself for ruining this experience with my weakness with respect to mental health or fortitude. Rather just that I am hurting. That is not a fault of mine. It’s hard for me to believe this, even as I’m typing this out in live time. But this is the truth. I did not blow this for myself because I am weak. Instead I am taking care of myself because I have been hurting for a long time. And Outer Coast is not perfect. There is a lot they could have done better. But I do not regret coming here at all. I have acquired many really wonderful experiences and ways of knowing. And I think I have taken a step in the direction of understanding myself the way I did before I went to MIT. That is very lovely and I am glad for it.

I think a lot of the questions are: how do I be truly, actively kinder to myself? How do I live and accept myself as-is? How do I stop taking everything and blaming it on myself as a personal failing? How do I begin to let go of pain? How do I learn to live in the present instead of running towards the future?

Oh, if only not for my stack of unread books… how am I gonna pack everything?!!

[kirishimas-manly-eyeliner]

pt. 2!

@missmorosis​ asked:

AHHKKK OKAY OKAY- how they would comfort you if you're crying?? 🥺 w/ hinata, kageyama, tsukishima, and tanaka annNNDDD I LOVE YOU AHHH YOUR WRITING IS AMAZING AND IM HONORED TO EVEN SPEAK WITH YOU SDFJKLSKDJFLKSDJF ILY ILY ILY ILYYYY

ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ʙʙ 🥺 ᴀɢᴀɪɴ, ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ᴅᴇᴅɪᴄᴀᴛᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴀɴʏᴏɴᴇ ᴡʜᴏ’ꜱ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴀ ʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴘᴀᴛᴄʜ. ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ꜱᴏ ꜰᴀʀ ɪɴ ʟɪꜰᴇ, ᴀɴᴅ ɴᴏ ᴍᴀᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ’ᴠᴇ ᴅᴏɴᴇ, ɪ’ᴍ ꜱᴏ ꜱᴏ ᴘʀᴏᴜᴅ ᴏꜰ ʏᴏᴜ.

-> part one is here 

[ TW: hinting anxiety and/or depression. if you ever need help, please don’t be afraid to reach out to me, i’m open whenever you need me, it’ll be okay ]

Tsukishima and Tanaka with a crying reader (pt 2)

🌼 kei tsukishima 🌼

【🌼】you had felt numb for quite sometime, but you never really cared

【🌼】to you, feeling numb was better than feeling too much... or maybe you felt so much that your brain “stopped working” as a defense mechinism? 

【🌼】you didn’t know, and you didn’t exactly care, either. 

【🌼】you went to go pick up tsukki from his latest volleyball game, but he realized that something about you was... different

【🌼】you were wearing an oversized hoodie, hands stuffed in pockets, and on your phone almost every given second. but for some reason, this angered him

【🌼】“y/n,” he said, getting a sip of water. he opened his mouth to speak, but you didn’t say a single word to him and nodded. you didn’t make eye-contact either, and fear started to replace the rage inside him. “...let’s go home.”

【🌼】while you were walking home, tsukishima on-reflex opened up his hand to hold yours, before he realized that your hand wasn’t there to hold, so he snuck his back in his pocket 🥺🥺

【🌼】he fought back every urge to confront you about what was going on. something didn’t feel right, except he also wasn’t sure if you were okay with him asking you questions, so he simply asked, “how was your day?”

【🌼】“it was good,” you said, looking back at your phone as you walked over to the bus station.

【🌼】“...is that all?” tsukishima spat without a second thought.

【🌼】however, you didn’t get angry, and instead, you shrugged and said, “yeah.” you were so tired of speaking-- all you wanted was to be alone, in the comfort of your own room. 

【🌼】an uneasy feeling began to settle in his stomach, and he was just so worried for you, but couldn’t find the right words to say. 

【🌼】you two went on the bus, and it was pretty late at night, so there was barely anyone else around, and all the seats were open.

【🌼】his heart literally shattered when you willingly sat on a seat across from him.

【🌼】“I...” tsukki didn’t finish speaking and waited until you got home.

【🌼】once you actually opened the door to get back home, you were already a few feet ahead of him, always going two steps forward. when he closed the door, he stopped you.

【🌼】“y/n.”

【🌼】you turned around, your hands shuffling in the pockets of your hoodie. you knew confrontation would happen eventually, but you just weren’t ready for it. “...yeah?”

【🌼】“what- what happened today? what’s going on with you?”

【🌼】“nothing!” you said nochalantly. “i’m doing perfect, really. i don’t know where you even got that idea,” you yawned, and opened the door to your room. “i’m so tired, i’m gonna-”

【🌼】“y/n, please,” tsukki said, chewing his lip. his final “please” was only heard as a soft whisper as he stepped closer towards you. 

【🌼】the way he was acting, the way his hands were figdgeting-- (and he never fidgeted), how he was standing still in place, his hand reaching out for yours, made you swallow as you turned around. 

【🌼】“I...” you hesitated, before looking into his eyes, filled with so much hurt, anger, confusion, fear, and you thought he was going to hit you when he raised his hand-

【🌼】but in his eyes, you also saw love.

【🌼】he put his cupped his hands around your face before pulling you into a hug. “i know you’re not okay. but you can say whatever you want around me,” he looked at you wiped away a tear on your face with his thumb. “it’s okay to be weak, that’s something that took me a while to realize. being weak can be a good thing sometimes, because then you can get help from people you least expect.”

【🌼】“everything’s going to be okay, y/n. you’re safe. it’ll get better, and whatever it is you’re going through, i’ll be with you, every step of the way.”

🌷 ryūnosuke tanaka 🌷

【🌷】it was late at night, and it was happening again.

【🌷】just like it did every single night. you’d feel too much, too little, things would be too loud, too quiet, and your brain just wouldn’t shut up as you sat in bed, feeling disgusting in your own body and scrolling on your phone.

【🌷】every single night for what seemed like the past year had been like this. nothing ever changed-- people always said, “you’re strong! you’ll make it!”

【🌷】but... did any of them ever mean it?

【🌷】you sat in your sleeping bag in the gym’s backroom, because you didn’t have enough money to rent your own apartment. you sat in the back, your phone light and the buttons of the heater being your only sources of light

【🌷】11:42, the clock glared.

【🌷】you didn’t want attention. you didn’t want people touching you, all you wanted was someone to understand.

【🌷】someone to listen to you.

【🌷】you fell asleep with your phone still playing music into a restless sleep, praying that tomorrow the sun wouldn’t rise again.

【🌷】the door clicked at around 5 am, and you instantly jolted awake-- was it a robbery? who was it? and why were they here? who was-

【🌷】“y/n??” a voice exclaimed. you still had your bed-head as your eyes locked with tanaka’s, who was staring, eyes as wide as saucers

【🌷】before you spoke, tanaka spoke first, “i’m so sorry, beautiful woman! it’s just- i wanted to practice early, please don’t report me, goddess!”

【🌷】you laughed, he seemed like a small puppy. you wiped the tears from your face, “of course-”

【🌷】“huh?” tanaka’s face instantly dropped, his face melting into a concerned frown. “were you... crying?”

【🌷】honestly speaking, it was insane how fast his demeanor changed. “you were-- it seemed like you were wiping tears from your face, are you okay?”

【🌷】”i’m fine, don’t worry about me, just-- my eye was itchy,” you started packing your sleeping bag. 

【🌷】tanaka’s eyes widened. “you- you sleep here?”

【🌷】“yeah, i don’t have much money...” you sighed. “but i’m okay! i can manage, it’s okay-” your voice broke as tanaka’s expression looked so heartbroken that you thought he was the one who was hurt. 

【🌷】before you knew it, his arms engulfed you as he started crying into your shoulder.

【🌷】“I- ryu, what are you-?”

【🌷】“you’re so strong, you know that? and i’m not even kidding when i say this, because I-” he let out a weak laugh. “I joke around a lot, so what i’m telling you right now is the full truth.”

【🌷】you hugged him back. “you’re serious?”

【🌷】“the fact that you never told me what was wrong, or anything personal kinda hinted most of it, being honest,” he scratched the back of his neck. “and then you told me you sleep here? you can come over with me- i mean, if that isn’t too weird for you! but just... take care of yourself? you’re so insanely strong, and that’s attractive,”

【🌷】you let yourself grin, but you stare up at him. “you really think so?”

【🌷】“yeah. well, now that i think of it... you always smile even when you don’t want to, you always help others when you feel down yourself, and... you’re scared to reach out to people, i get it. but promise me, promise me one thing!” he said as he kissed you on your forehead. “promise me that you’ll take care of yourself? please?”

【🌷】you didn’t even realize you were crying until now. “i... okay, baldy,” you chuckled through your tears. “thanks,”

【🌷】tanaka beamed and held your hand, saying, “you know what? i’ll go get you something tasty to eat after practice, what do you like?”

~

if you’d like me to do any other characters, please lmk! i write these to help you mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever it is, please know you can always reach out to me whenever. you standing here, you getting through the day is more than enough, and you should be insanely proud of yourself. don’t feel guilty for being on your phone all day, or not doing anything productive, because those rest days are the moments that help you the most! i love you so much, please take care bb.

tag list!: @cathwritestragediesnotsins, @mari-bug, @missmorosis​, @maddiemadill​, and if you’d like to be added, ask here! take care of yourself please 🥺

[i-simp-for-gintoki]

Visiting Yuji in Tokyo

“yuji x reader where she was childhood friends with yuji and its basically the friends to lover sort of thing? and basically reader is visiting tokyo and meets up with yuji for the first time in months?? bonus if gojo and megumi are there :)”-anon

Damn its either super short or long no inbetween huh? Sorry if this isn’t exactly what you wanted! Some of the characters are little ooc (when are they not when i write them-).This turned out much much longer than it needed to be

You and Yuji have known each other since kindergarten

He’s such a sweet kid its always really fun to hang out with him

You guys play lots of video games together and are basically inseparable

Constantly reading manga or watching anime its great

Your parents disapproved of you hanging out with a dude all the time but you could care less

Why should you only be friends with your own gender? Thats so stupid

You always wondered about why yuji had such great strength and speed but he says he was just born that way

Hes just built different

Around middle school his grandpa’s health had dropped and was moved to the hospital

You did your best to make sure yuji stayed in good spirits and often visited the older itadori with him

He’s not the best at wording things but hes always there for emotional support

Maybe it was around 7th grade you noticed something was different around yuji

Like he himself hasn’t changed but whenever you look at him your heart just melts

Your thoughts or compliments seem more filled with love for him and thats when you realized you started to fall for him

Thinking the crush would go away you didn’t act much on it

Oh what a fool you were

Around 8th grade yuji had started acting kinda weird around you

He’d be much more easy to fluster and tenses up for a second if you ever make contact

You confronted him about it and cue the very awkward and middle school like confession

“I really like you!

You were so happy you confessed back and said that the only reason you didn’t before was because you feared to ruin your friendship

He says even if he somehow didn’t like you back that something like that wouldn’t effect anything

From then on you guys are such a wholesome couple

All the cuddles

No fancy dates just casual arcade or movie sort of things

His grandpa gave him a hard time but approved of your relationship

Throughout 8th grade summer and the beginning of highschool everything was going great

But a few months into highschool lots of things happened

Yuji’s grandpa had passed away, he and his friends in the exorcist(?) club had gotten hurt and after that night he had weird markings on his cheeks right below his eyes

And to top it all off now he was supposedly moving to tokyo??

“Yuji why are you moving away? My parents would gladly take you in you know”

He tells you he can’t explain why which breaks your heart

“Who are you staying with then??” he stops for a second and it pains him to lie to you. “A distant relative of mine, he works at a private school and thats where i will be going from now on.”

“But what about us?”

And so you guys decided to do a long distance relationship

Every night when you can you call and chat for hours

But thats not enough

You want to be held or hold him, you want to just cuddle or atleast be in the same room

It pains you to have a relationship through a screen and you grow respect for those who do

Trust isn’t an issue since you know yuji wouldnt even think to cheat at all

Probably doesnt even know what the word means

But after a few months you decide to go to tokyo for a few days

With the help of your parents you rent a room in a hotel and head there

Were just gonna pretend your parents are super super chill(and slightly uncaring like my parents would never let me) and lets you go to a whole city by yourself for several nights

You were super nervous and excited

Its your first time visiting a huge city like tokyo and its gonna be the first time you see yuji in months

Itadori was super excited that you were in tokyo

So excited that he got lost trying to head to the hotel you were staying at

After an extra hour you guys finally meet

He walks through the hotel lobby doors and gives a smile and a wave

In an instant you tackle him in a hug which he GLADLY hugs back in

After just holding each other for a while he decides to show you around

Hes still clearly learning the area himself but he’s very excited to show what he does know

“The place over here makes amazing sushi! Oh! And over here they sell little action figures! Oh oh and over here the steak is kinda bad but its cheap so its worth it! And-” you could only smile as he pointed in random directions with one hand, the other was busy holding yours

Buying food from a bunch of random vendors and wearing silly getups you guys take loads of pictures

Tons of hugs and cheek kisses

Yes its frowned upon to be touchy and stuff in public in japan but honestly you guys could care less

The sun was setting and you guys were currently sitting at a park munchkin on some crepes when you turn to him

“Yuji, do you think i could visit who your staying with? I’d hate to impose but i just wanna know if your in good hands”

His chewing pauses

Its not like he didn’t want you tell about jujutsu

But he doesn’t want you to be apart of that world, he wants you to stay as safe as possible with no harm ever headed your ways

With him being a vessel for sukuna gojo had told him that he and his friends could potentially be targeted

Theres a reason sorceres put up cloaks when engaging in battles and its so normal civilians can continue living in peace without the knowledge these monstrosities actually exist

“Mm its a bit sudden and he’s out on a mis-er meeting right now so maybe tomorrow?” he says

You frown, you can tell he’s lying but he wouldn’t do it without a reason

“Fine. But Yuji. Just know that if you ever feel unsafe or want to come back your more than welcome too. There will always be a spot for you at my home” you say hugging him

You both kinda forgot you were holding crepes and when you pulled away from each other laughed as the ice cream and sauce was smeared all over your shirts/jackets

He walks you back to the hotel and says goodnight with a kiss

The next two days went by in a flash

Just spending time with itadori, even if it was just sitting in silence has been the most fun youve had in months

He had showed you many places and has boughten many small trinkets for you to remember

Your phone has grown about 300 photos just from the past couple days with him

It was about midday of your final day in tokyo and so you both wanted to make the best of it

You both where sitting inside a cafe exchanging stories and just chatting when suddenly two people walked in the cafe

One was very tall and had spiked up white hair and was wearing a blindfold, and the other had spiky/messy black hair

You didn’t think much of it at first but did question the blindfold

‘A fashion choice?’

Turning your attention back to yuji you gave him a soft smile as you listened to his ramblings about a manga

“I love you” you said cutting him off

Immediately his face turned red and whatever he was just saying turned into stuttering nonsense

Before he could respond he let out a short yell when someone placed a hand on his shoulder

It was the two dudes who walked in from earlier

“So this is what you’ve been doing.” “Fushiguro! Gojo sensei!”

The shorter one who looks yuji’s age started talking about how it wasn’t good to turn his phone on mute and go out the whole day

The tall one gives you a wave

“Sorry to interrupt your date but we gotta take yuji away for a bit” he says grabbing yuji’s collar

“Wait who are you guys?” you ask and they pause to give short introductions

“Fushiguro Megumi.” “Gojo Satoru, nice to meet ya miss girlfriend” “How did you know??” Yuji says making gojo laugh

“Its pretty obvious, you didn’t do much of a job hiding it” he says pulling yuji a little bit more.

“O-Oh im L/n Y/n, nice to meet you” you say realizing you forgot to introduce yourself

As the three chatted along with each other, you sat in silence as you tried to remember where you heard gojo’s name from

‘Oh yeah, he’s the one who yuji described as his relative. Even if it was really fast since he tends to change subjects whenever i ask’

“Wait Gojo? White hair...blind fold..are you Yuji’s relative?” you ask making both of them pause

They both turn towards yuji who gave a sheepish smile

“Thats me, im his mothers little cousin” Gojo said, a very quick and random asspull

“So why does he call you Gojo-sensei instead of uncle…Satoru?” “Well if im his moms cousin that would make me his cousin once removed wouldn’t it? And he calls me sensei since im a teacher at a school he goes to”

“And what about you?” you ask the other boy

“A classmate.” he says in a very short and uninterested tone

“Welp lets go” Gojo says dragging yuji but he quickly resists

“Wait wait! Sensei can i please stay? Today is her last day here and i don’t know when i will be able to see her again”

The teacher and student stares at each other for a long time

You have literally no clue what the blindfolded man could but thinking its so hard to read him

Then again you just met him so

Gojo sighs and lets go of yuji

“Just this once, and only because im the greatest sensei you’ve ever had. Lets go megumi. See ya miss girlfriend” gojo says walking away with a wave

Megumi looks surprised but follows him “really?” “Yeah yeah its fine, its only a couple of grade 3’s anywa…” as their voices faded when they left the building you gave yuji a look

“Are you going to get in trouble?” “im probably going to die in training…” “huh?” “nothin”

The rest of the day you guys hang out and its mmm

Yuji would be such a good boyfriend hes so wholesome

When its time for you to part he give you a big hug, kiss and ‘i love you’

You do the same and tear up a bit

With one final photo you head back to your home town

You make it a mission to visit tokyo more often and yuji tries to visit you whenever he can from then on

[romace-tea-cup]

imagine being the daughter of bella and edward and your coven finds out about your relationship with felix part two

************************************

I got woken up by the beautiful sun shining on my window , i was in a happy mood for a second when i remembered what needed to be done for today . I then let out a heavy sigh and i got up , i did my bed and cleaned any left over mess i made the night before and i got in the shower and i took a quick but hygienic shower that left me smelling like baked christmas cookies and mint candy canes . I then got dressed for my outfit of the day , i made sure i was comfortable enough because i knew felix would be taking me to volterra in a private jet . After i was done getting dressed and did my hair and make up the last thing i needed to do is to pack my bathroom essentials and bring my phone and my phone charger , after i was done i looked around and noticed how empty the room felt with only my bed and my tv and some furniture left in my room . At this point some of my tears started to drip , i was afraid this was gonna end up bad , what if felix would fight them and he killed my dad like last time in italy ? What if my dad would kill felix ? What if my coven would disown me ? I started to shake out of it , i then grew enough balls and esme had prepared me some eggs and bacon , i smiled at her and pulled her into a tight hug and she just chuckled .

" Thank you esme , i love you so much you are the best of the best no one can top your cooking "

" oh sweetheart , i love seeing you in a good mood , you are never this sweet any special occasion ? "

" N-no , i just thought id show my gratitude towards you and thank you for being there since i was born esme , thank you for taking care of me , thank you for the love you have given me since birth , you really are like a second mom and i would never trade it for anything in the entire world and im thankful i have hou by my side no matter what "

" Oh sweet heart , i love you as if you were my own , i love watching you grow into the amazing lady you are now , and im sure you will keep being the lovable lady you are "

I then nodded and we were talking while i was eating , after i was done i gave her a kiss on the cheek and she gave me one as well it felt like i was saying my goodbye to her which was true because i don't know when ill see her again or if ill even see her , i then did the rest with my family . I saw nessie and she was trying to braid her hair but she was unable , so i stepped in and i braided it for her .

" Let me see "

" Thank you y/n "

" It's no problem nessie , so how is your life with jacob ? Any problems ? "

" My life is amazing , Jacob is the sweetest to me and he cares for me allot , im grateful i have him "

" Well im glad he is treating you like the little princess you are . I hope you know ill always be your sister no matter what , ill always be available when you need me , and no matter what happens ill still love you and i hope you will to little sister . "

" I love you more big sis , and we will always have the same bond because we were in mommies belly , even though you are full vampire and you grew up faster than me and i still look 8 we will never be separated no matter what "

" Well im glad you think so , like it ? "

" i love it ! , thanks sis ! "

" No problem nugget "

We hugged each other and i placed a kiss in her forehead and now i headed to spend time with uncle jasper , he was watching tv and i just sat down next to him .

" Hey uncle jasper "

" What's up ? "

" Nothing much , just thought i would spend some quality time with my favorite historian person "

" Psh im more than a historian "

" Yeah ? Like what ? "

" a great uncle , you can't deny it "

" Yeah of course not , So how are you and aunt alice ? "

" We are doing great , i keep falling in love with her more after each day that passes "

" Well im glad to hear that heh "

" I was meaning to ask you , about what jacob said yesterday , you know you can trust me , did it really happen y/n ? "

I knew i could trust him

" Well yes it did , with another vampire uncle , just don't tell anyone or jacob "

" I won't , so who is the guy ? Do we know him ? "

" I guess you will have to wait and see "

YES YOU DO KNOW HIM IN FACT YOU ARE ABOUT TO MEET HIM AND YOU WILL PROBABLY DISOWN ME BUT ITS LOVE WHAT CAN I SAY !

We spent time together with him telling me his battle stories and i hugged him and headed out to spend time with uncle emmett , he was as usual working out so i changed into my sport clothes and headed out to see him and give him one last work out buddy bonding before i headed out .

" Hey uncle em you ready for a race "

" psh game on "

We ran three miles around the woods and he ended up beating me as usual .

" I won "

" Yeah Yeah stop showing off it was luck "

" Wanna lift next ? "

" Oh you are on ! "

We started lifting and i won this time and he started chuckling , we then went out hunting as usual and he catches a bear while i ate a deer and we headed back to the house honestly im thankful vampires don't sweat . Next up i went to spend time with aunt rosalie and aunt alice , they are usually together but first i gave uncle emmett a hug and then headed off , they were in Rosalie's room .

" Hey aunties , can i come in "

" Sure y/n me and alice were discussing what we are gonna wear for the upcoming ball "

" Ball ? What ball ? "

" The volturi will be hosting a ball in new years eve , we are invited and we were gonna go shopping for dresses next Friday ? "

" Oh um ill go some time another day aunt rosie , in fact i came here to spend time together with both of yall "

" Well why dint you say so !? I just learned new make up tips i wanna show you ! "

" And ill show you how to style your hair y/n "

" sure guys feel free to show me "

They showed me new make up tips and how to style my hair and honestly i appreciate it because i learned how to style my hair better and how to glam myself up for this upcoming ball i never even hared off yet . Now i headed to spend time with mom and dad , he was playing the piano while my mom was reading a book in her room in the couch , my dad purchased him a piano in his room .

" Hey mom and dad , can i come in ? "

" Hey y/n yeah sure "

" Thanks mom , so what are you guy's doing ?

" Im practicing a new song i learned wanna hear it ? "

" Sure thing dad "

He started playing a song and i honestly loved it and i gave him a hug after he ended the song , then me and my mom were talking and we bonded real good . i hugged them both before i confronted jacob about what happened yesterday .

" Hey jake um do you have a moment ? "

" Sure "

" I wanted to apologize over um yesterday , i know i can be a bitch sometimes but i just get annoyed quickly "

" You and apologies ? You feeling well y/n ? "

" Yes jake , i just thought it was right if i apologized to you "

" Well apology accepted "

" Thanks , and thank you for making my little sister happy , i hope you continue to love her as much as you love her right now "

" I will of course , now im heading out to have a meeting with sam , but thanks for the apology , ill be back before 6 "

" Thanks and good luck "

Now it was time to spend time with the last cullen carlisle , he was in his doctors office in the house and i just knocked .

" Hey Carlisle , can i come in ? "

" Of course y/n you are always welcomed "

" So what are you doing huh ? "

" Just doing some research for the upcoming ball "

" So you and aro were friends huh ? How was that ? "

" He can be a bit power hungry but i know he is a great guy "

" What about the guards ? "

" They were fine , i got along with everyone , alec and jane were just chilling but the guards i spent time with were Jane , Alec , Demetri , and Felix . "

" and how was felix ? "

He then looked at me and i started to panic

SHIT ! SHIT ! WHY DID I ASK THAT ?

" He was a great guy , he is the most strong vampire in the world and everyone fears him , im sure you are dreaded to meet him , you and felix were meant to be you know ? "

Wait a second ... He knows about us ?

" Wha- what do you mean ? "

" Well i know you both are mates and you have been seeing each other and that today is your last day here before you head to volterra with him "

" How did you - "

" know? Aro told me , but the rest of the coven does not know because its not my place to tell them , its yours . I have spotted yall both hugging and kissing , i also noticed that you packed your bags yesterday and today , not to mention i knew thag whatever jacob was talking about was true "

I then started to have a faint blush .

" Yeah uh about that i can explain ! "

" No need to , that is a natural thing with mates , and felix will do anything in his power to see you happy , trust me i know him longer than you "

" I guess you are right "

Then a loud voice caught me and Carlisle attention

" WHY ARE YOU HERE !? "

We both rushed to the living room and then i saw him , well all of them exactly ! I thought it was only gonna be felix but i was wrong ! It was the four guards !

" We came here to collect y/n "

Jane spoke and the tension was high as fuck

" My daughter will not be collected without a reason ! "

" y/n is felix' s mate , they have been seeing each other for quite a while , now it is set for her to leave this coven and join us "

Alec spoke and i felt like i was about to have a panic attack .

" Y/n what is he talking about ?! "

" Mom i ... "

" So what jacob said last night was correct ? You slept with this murderer ! "

My dad shouted and then felix growled and speed next to My side protecting me and he stepped infront of my dad .

" And if we had sex what is the problem ? She is my mate and i have every right to please her in bed and have the right to touch her if i wanted to and whenever i want to "

" So that's why you been acting all weird huh ? You knew this was gonna happen "

My aunt rosalie stated and carlisle put a hand over her and let out a sigh and my dad then knew then and there that he knew .

" So you knew all along !? You were her partner in crime and you backed her up with this relationship ! "

" It was not my place to say something edward , this is y/n's and felix's business "

" Mia tesoro please grab your bags , its time to head out "

I just simply nod but alice and my mom hold my wrists

" No ! You can't go ! You cant be part of there coven y/n ! "

Jane then uses her power on alice and she falls in pain but bella uses her shield on her so she is able to get over it and i quickly head for my bags and i have my mini back pack .

" Jasper you also knew about this and you dis not bother to say one word about it !? "

My dad shouted

" I just found out today edward "

" So what i smelled was true , you guys were riding like it was the best time of your life and if your life depended on it y/n "

Felix and demetri then chuckled but my dad and mom shouted at him .

" Jake ! Stop ! "

" As much as i am delighted to see this controversy we need to go master caius would be very upset if we arrived late "

Jane said and i just headed out and felix put a hand over me while my family watched me leave with sadness in their face , i let a few tears slip here and there but felix grabbed my face in his huge ones and wiped my tears away with his thumb .

" Amore mio, per favore non piangere, non sopporto di vedere quei tuoi bellissimi occhi piangere. Ti amano e lo supereranno amore mio, per favore sorridi perché quando piangi mi sento come se stessi crollando. "

Translation

" My love , please do not cry , i cant stand to see those beautiful eyes of yours cry . They love you and will get over it my love , please smile because when you cry i feel like i am crumbeling down. "

" Vorrei solo che questo potesse essere diverso amore mio, spero davvero che trovino nel loro cuore per rinunciare a me e per essere felici per noi.

Translation

" I just wish this could have been different my love , I really hope they find it in their heart to foregive me and to be happy for us . "

" They will my love they love you and they will accept us if it means they see you happy "

" Thank you my love , your everything i need right now "

We hugged and he placed a kiss on my mouth and i kisses back with gratitude .

***********************************************

Hoped yall liked it ! Ill be posting the next one tommorow ! Question of the day ! ( If u can answer ) what was your favorite bonding experience with a cullen ? Follow me on wattpad and give it a like and follow if you wanna see more ff of felix ! 💞

*************************************************

Username : yunnoitwasshorty

Name : romacetea

[mobius-prime]

222. Sonic the Hedgehog #154

Songoose (Part 2 of 2)

Writer: Karl Bollers Pencils: Ron Lim Colors: Jason Jensen

Today's issue is a bit bittersweet. While Karl Bollers hasn't always been the most popular writer, and I've definitely had my fair share of problems with certain aspects of his writing, it's hard to deny the heavy impact he had on the world of the comic. And this just so happens to be his last issue as a writer! That's right, though we've seen various writers come and go, this is the first time we're truly saying goodbye to a head writer. (You might be wondering about Michael Gallagher given his increasingly infrequent involvement with the series, but fear not, he's still got a few more future issues left in 'im.) Apparently he actually had quite a few plans for the storyline and characters post-StH#134, which was a while ago, but for one reason or another these never came to fruition, and never even had a chance to be salvaged for future issues by other writers due to his leaving the comic. So let's dedicate this issue to ol' Karl and the hard work he put into this comic, and appreciate what he brought to the table over the years. Onward!

It's the night of Mina's second concert, and the various Freedom Fighters are positioned at strategic points around and behind the stage and crowd to guard the venue from any more assassination attempts. Mina is pleased with Sonic's involvement in her protection detail, but Ash is considerably less so, and asks to speak to Mina privately before her performance. Sonic initially tries to refuse to leave her side given his duty to her, but when Ash gets in his face about it Mina steps in and tells Sonic she'll be okay to have a quick chat. Sonic reluctantly leaves the dressing room, and Ash confronts Mina about her decision to go through with tonight's concert, as he really feels it's too dangerous. She reiterates her feeling of security with Sonic around, and Ash's feelings of jealousy finally spill out as he details Sonic's perceived failings, including how he (totally unintentionally mind you) broke her heart a year ago by kissing Sally in front of her. He paradoxically refuses to "forgive" Sonic for… not dating Mina, I guess? Which you'd think he'd be pleased about considering that's the only reason he ever got to date her, but she stands firm against his tirade.

Really bad timing on this, Ash. Honestly, though, as abrasive and jealous as Ash can be, he's not wrong at all about his accusations, and in my opinion has every right to feel slighted and upset. He really does seem like a guy who's flawed yet genuinely likable - I mean, put yourself in his shoes (assuming you're not down for open relationships) and tell me you wouldn't feel the exact same way upon seeing your girlfriend routinely eyeing up another guy. Plus, he isn't flaky - notice that despite breaking up with Mina, he explicitly states his intentions to remain as her band manager. A lesser person might have left their ex high and dry out of spite, but despite their disagreement he's still completely ready and willing to help her organize everything she needs to remain a pop star. Careful, Mina, you better remember "Aly's" advice to you from a few issues ago before you let this guy slip through your fingers…

Outside the room, Sonic gets a call from Sally looking for an update, and when he lets slip that he let her stay in her dressing room alone Sally scolds him for not sticking to her like glue, ordering him back into the room to check on her. When he enters he's surprised to see her sitting alone with a sad expression, asking her what's bothering her. You'd think he'd have some clue of what was wrong considering he would have just seen Ash angrily stomping right through the very door he was guarding, but Mina just says she doesn't know how to explain, which Sonic quietly agrees with the sentiment of. She's able to collect herself for her performance, though, and begins by singing another song that definitely feels inspired by her crush on Sonic. However, Eggman's plan to kill her is still moving ahead, and he sends out Heavy and Bomb (well, Bombs, there's a lot of them) to infiltrate the concert crowd once the concert is well underway.

Sonic immediately grabs Mina and pulls her away from the edge of the stage while the rest of the Freedom Fighters rush in to battle the Bombs, something which I find funnier than it should be considering they're, well, bombs, and the best plan for dealing with bombs on legs would usually be to run the hell away from them before they blow up. Nevertheless, they seem to be holding their own by throwing or smacking the Bombs away before they explode, though Ash finds an excuse in the situation to insist once more than Sonic leave so he can protect Mina on his own, even somewhat spitefully pointing out that Mina was fine without Sonic for an entire year before now. Sonic initially refuses, but when Heavy himself arrives, crashing down onto the stage to target Mina directly, Sonic concedes and tells Ash to take her somewhere safe while he fights the robot one on one. At first Sonic teases and trash talks as normal, but when Heavy gives him more trouble than he bargained for he concocts a plan to drill into the earth and bait Heavy into following him, then drill straight into the nearby lake from below. This washes them both out into the open waters, disabling Heavy in the process. I'm not sure exactly how this plan even works, considering we've seen in previous issues that Heavy is waterproof - I mean, did Eggman take out that feature when he rebuilt him? - but either way, it does work, though Sonic falls unconscious once he gets washed out. Man, between his first battle against M in StH#132 and his easy escape from a watery grave in Anti-Mobius just a few issues ago, it really seems like later comic issues like to play fast and loose with the whole "he can't swim" character trait. Sometimes he can detangle himself from tight rope bonds and swim to safety without a problem, and other times he blacks out within scant seconds of touching water, and you never know which one you're gonna get till the plot calls for it. Of course, he's fine after waking up on shore, having been rescued by Bunnie, and the Freedom Fighters tell him that as far as they can tell they disabled or destroyed every Bomb in the area, meaning Mina is safe once more. With the threat ended, Sonic and Mina say goodbye to each other for the night, with Sonic making Mina promise they'll go out for chili dogs sometime soon. However, this wouldn't be a story if something didn't go wrong…

I like to think that this isn't even a case of the Freedom Fighters randomly missing a Bomb, rather being part of Eggman's plan - send in the big, obvious cavalry first to be fought and predictably defeated, then send in one last little Bomb to finish the job once everyone's guard is down. The explosion alerts everyone outside the backstage area, and they rush in to find Mina sobbing over Ash's body. Don't worry, though - when they rush him to the hospital Dr. Quack is able to get him in a stable condition, meaning that though he has a long slow recovery ahead he'll ultimately be fine. Sonic escorts a distraught Mina into Ash's room, where she admits her true feelings to his sleeping form.

I'm surprised that Sonic genuinely seems a little disappointed at their reconciliation, but then again, he and Mina were clearly shown to have some chemistry even before the time skip, though Sonic was obviously drawn more to Sally. It seems that with he and Sally currently being on the outs, and Mina having split from Ash, he had actually considered taking the chance with her - I mean, they did agree to a chili dog date after all - but now that's obviously not happening. Well, maybe the chili dog date is, but not Sonic and Mina becoming an item. What I'm trying to say is, this page has just sunk your Sonic/Mina ship. Fortunately, with this second failure Eggman has decided that trying to kill Mina is too hard and not worth his time, so she should be safe for now. He still finds himself lamenting the loss of his robotic body, however (something that you'd think should be child's play for him to fix considering previously roboticizing himself is literally part of his backstory), finding his current organic body too breakable. The use of that word suddenly makes him pause, having just come up with a new idea… but Karl certainly won't be the one writing about it, as with that final line of dialogue, he's officially completed his time as head writer for the Archie Sonic comics! Sayonara, Karl Bollers - though there were certainly some rough patches, on the whole I enjoyed your work on the comic, and we'll miss ya!

More Than Meets the Eye

Writer/Pencils: Ken Penders Colors: Josh Ray

…though remember, we are still dealing with Penders for a few more issues yet. Since the mission into Megaopolis a couple issues ago, Rotor, Uncle Chuck, Tommy, Tails, and Snively (plus apparently Fiona, for some reason) have all been hard at work studying and trying to understand the nanites. They try blasting them with a ton of electricity, but when that elicits no response from the nanites Tommy worriedly thinks Snively killed them with the zap, though Snively corrects him that biologically speaking, they're not really "alive," nor is anything that Eggman makes. While you may be technically correct from a scientific standpoint, Snively, I think Nicole might have a thing or two to say about your assertion that machines can't be alive…

Well! It seems Tommy was also unconvinced by Snively's words, and his tear splashing down into the nanite goo triggers some kind of reaction, prompting them to rapidly spread out and reach tendrils of themselves towards him. He's understandably a little freaked out and retreats into his shell, but the nanites don't hurt him as they make contact with the shell - in fact, the sensation is ticklish and causes him to start giggling uncontrollably, which must make for a very weird sight as Uncle Chuck reenters the room to investigate the noise. Tommy assures him that he's all right - and then from out of nowhere, his shell sprouts a pair of goddamn wings, because why the hell not?

I initially took issue with this concept due to it being established canon that the nanites can only absorb and reshape non-living matter, whereas turtle shells are definitely living matter, being full of nerve endings and basically being formed from repurposed bone matter from the turtle's ribs and pelvis. However, the above dialogue seems to indicate that they were able to fuse with Tommy's shell anyway by connecting straight into his nervous system. I would guess that after Sonic introduced the nanites to the concept of organic and synthetic coexistence a couple issues ago, they were just waiting for the chance to "study" an organic specimen in their own weird way, and Tommy just happened to end up as their test subject.  Chuck and Tommy call everyone else in, where he notes that the nanites seem to react to his thoughts without said thoughts actually controlling the nanites directly. He demonstrates this by thinking vaguely that he wants to go somewhere, prompting a pair of jetpack engines to sprout from his shell and ignite, carrying him straight out of the lab and into the sky above Knothole. The others watch with an odd mixture of bemusement and amusement as the nanites fly Tommy's body in a pattern, using contrails to write "We're just going for a test drive" in the air. Well Tommy, looks like you have a really cool and unique new ability! It'd certainly be interesting to be fused with self-replicating nanomachines that react to your thoughts and wishes by morphing themselves in ways to grant those wishes, especially when they seem to actively like their host.

[tslasvegas]

Episode 4: “I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty.” - Keegan

Dan and JAKE! A WORD IN MY OFFICE PLEASE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

Wow! Today was A Day to say the least. I feel like boo boo the fool with how things went down today, but hopefully, I can recover from that now that there’s a new tribe. I’m excited to get to know new people, but sad to see my old alliances have to come to an end. I guess we’ll see what happens

Finally a swap and golly 5 OG Palazzo! I really hope this works in our favor. Kinda nervous for Joey and Stephanie tho because now they are in the minority of their tribe. I do hope they’ll find a way to survive till merge

LMFAO IM... watching the tribal council for the other tribe and I'm SORRY??? Who the fuck is Jake S he is the most condescending man I've ever seen in my entire life YIKES. Anyways this swap is nice.. I think I've got a good group, I really hope we win the next few immunities because I 1) really dont want to see Rachael on this tribe and 2) i want to try and rebuild my um. tattered relationships. I did the best I could in the challenge for tonight, I'll try to come back tomorrow a little more renewed cus I'm kinda wiped out from today's events. Now that my tribal council cherry has been popped for this Org its time to go crazy woop

So good not to check Luxor anymore! 

Well last tribal went fine, I got to see what was in the Prize Vault which is awesome; now I have a better idea of the twist. Big problem though- Our swap put me in the minority. I was running Luxor and had a core 4, now they have 5 OG Pink so they can pluck us off, one at a time. I went from drivers seat to getting driven over. We need to win the challenge, so I'm gonna go ham in winterbells and hope to pull it out.

We swapped! I think I made a confessional already, but honestly I don't remember. I gave Livingston some of my chips so he can go visit the vault after the immunity challenge. We'll see what is in there and for how much, and maybe snatch up some real nice items to help us out. I've also got Andrew on my side, which is great and he's apparently quite tight with Pat, which is fantastic. Mo is a pretty decent dude and I've been talking with Jake a lot today. Things are going alright. I just hope we can win this challenge. 

Phew, while the swap was not ideal. I was really liking my tribe, we were kind of quiet but individually everyone was great and we also kicked butt at challenges! Anyway, the swap with numbers wise not great, but I know Xavi from a previous game and we have a solid relationship, I hope he and John and Joey and myself can build a solid squad to make it to the merge. The challenge was rough tbh, I am not great at video games, but I think I did ok... Jaiden got like 20 trillion points on a game so really I have no idea how I did. Hoping for the best!

I am losing my mind in my personal life so I am sorry that I have been mia. I appreciate the patience from the hosts and my tribe. It makes me still want to play even though I've been kinda invisible. I'm aware of that. I'll fix it. I promise. Otherwise, its been pretty good as a tribe so far. Andrew, Pat, and NIk and i are all really close from other games, so we're good and Andrew and Pat and I are together, which is just really unfair if you ask me. I can't wait to start scheming!

Uhhhhhh.................................... anyways........ yall hear somethin? Oh I hear something. It's the sound of Joey literally blowing himself up to me hardcore!!!! The narcissism and arrogance really jumped out on this one. So Joey had the idea of calling tonight to go over some stuff and honestly out of the 2 hours we spent, I think about 45-60 mins of it was rather nice and I do feel that I enjoy his presence, but omg... his desire for control is so noticeable and its kinda gross. Joey and I debriefed on what went down on Bellagio and I totally understand why there was the difference in us discussing tribe dynamics - I had to give up all my info while he kinda kept things more reserved. I want to assume this is because of the fact that I went to tribal and he hasn't until now. I won't judge him for that. However, after this he's kinda like dictating the fact that an OG Bellagio needs to go home. Ben is the easier person to throw under the bus since he didn't even bother to do the challenge/let us know what's up. Not a big fan of that, but aight. Then Joey starts suggesting we vote out Kailyn...?? Uh... not on my watch. I have to make it up to Kailyn at least a little bit so even though she's probably got a loaded gun pointed at my head rn, I want to defuse the situation rather than start throwing her out there as a potential target. Even if it isn't coming from me, I'm not here for that. The information that Joey did give up to me relates to the chips in the game. I've never paid much attention to the chips, but I guess it takes 10 to get into the vault and Joey's got between 11 and 15 (he changed his answer on the subject SEVERAL times). He says there are three idols worth 40 chips each, then a super idol worth I think 50 or 60 (can't remember). On top of that, there are nullifiers, vote advantages, and a legacy advantage, too. He seems fixated on the legacy advantage and really wants the chips to get it. Like.. ok do you but we NEED the super idol?? Does he not realize that thing has more power than anything else in the vault combined..? ANYWAYS. What really started to turn me off about Joey is that there was this sudden expectation that I'd be giving him all of my chips thus far. I don't care about them to begin with but knowing what I know now, it doesn't make sense for me to give him my stash just to fuel his hunt for... a measly legacy advantage... I put myself in a compromising position. I told him that once a host gets back to me on my exact total, I'd be willing to trade him my chips for I guess an allyship going forward. I mean that. I want to work with Joey at least through this vote, but I can't guarantee that it'll go much further than that. He is a very risky person for my game right now because if he's coming off this strong to everybody, it's only going to hurt me by association to stick with him longer than a vote or two. However, I'm going to try and divert the attention and just be like, maybe we need to use my five as a bartering piece for new allies at this point. I want to try and build meaningful partnerships right now, especially since that was the only reason I wanted to make it to the merge.. Rebuilding is crucial as well. Kailyn and possibly Nik/Rachael are not going to be fond of me once we all have "the talk" about last tribal. I put myself in an even more compromising position with them, but I'll find my way out of that mess. I think........ As far as this tribe goes, I think between Joey's WILD imagination/constant over-analyzing and the lack of direction this tribe has taken so far.. I'm doing okay. Nobody is really standing out besides Joey and I guess myself in a way, so if I keep him around it MIGHT even shrink my own target little by little - unless people find out we're together then FUK. 

......five seconds later

In terms of my other relationships right now, I love John Coffey but this is old news, I've been in love with this man since like 2016 and it's fine - totally fine - just fangirling a bit rn since I get to spend more time with him!! woohoo. Xavier and Stephanie are straight up non-entities which makes me SO scared of them especially since Stephanie's won an ORG before... how can someone be so irrelevant yet still win something? Hmm... Makes me think that she's secretly a ninja, you never even see her around. Nik has grown more and more quiet as the days go along and I wonder what's goin' on with that. Maybe they've decided since Biden won the election that moving to New Zealand is a bad idea? Lmfao. I dunno. Nik stresses me the hell out because I have no idea what they're thinking at any point in time even in the off-chance that we are talking. I think I might just have a personality they don't mesh with because I noticed on call forever ago that none of my jokes were particularly landing but Nik had a lot to say and a LOT to joke about there... rip. If it's a personality conflict - go off, I guess. I'll try on a couple different hats w this person to try and see if I can get things to go better than they have been. Kailyn.. like I said before, pretty sure she's after me but I am really trying to sell it to her that I like her a lot, because I do. I literally compare her to my best friend irl because they have very similar attributes and I consider Kailyn kinda messy but fun and quirky like my BFF so I hope that Kailyn did truly appreciate me making that comparison. Ben's inability to do this challenge is going to be his undoing. I think the only acceptable move is to vote him off this time because I HAVE to prove to Kailyn that I can stay the course, and I also need to whittle down Bellagio numbers to prevent people from targeting us and having everything go to shit that way. Let Joey control this, please dear god. Don't let me get blood on my hands. Let Rachael integrate herself well on this tribe. Let someone else blow themselves up in the process. Just not me plz and thanks. There is no fear in my soul tonight. Joey might be a fucking crackhead but so am I. I'm breaking down walls that I didn't think existed but Joey basically told me tonight that he thought I was confrontational, rude, chaotic, and all these other things but was impressed at how calm, optimistic, and outgoing I was. Love to hear it. He might think he overestimated me but he was right about the initial impressions... too bad he won't be around long enough to see that side of me :~) 

FIRSTLY, DeNara was robbed. Okay so I already wrote this a while ago in my host chat about how the fact jake and dan are praying for my downfall because after the swap i am the only og bellagio on a tribe with 5 palazzo and 2 luxor. so after I slowly blinked at my screen for a bit I was like okay how do we survive this if I go to tribal. Because I’m under the impression tribes are gonna stick together especially going into merge but since Luxor is already down so many members it’s kinda Bellagio Vs. Palazzo. but then I was like okay wait I’m the only member of bellagio on this tribe after coming from a tribal so I’m the only one who can say what happened and I can create what narrative I want to help me get through the next couple rounds. Because if I was like oh blah blah I was in majority im so fucked then of course they’re gonna target me to get me out. But if I play the victim card and milk the fact that I voted in the minority acting like I hate my og tribe maybe they’ll think to use me as a pawn. To take down others moving forward. Listen if I have to be labeled a goat to move forward then BAA bitch.

.....five seconds later

Things are going good, because not only am no longer in danger this round but that means Rachael is going to the enemy tribe which if she came to our tribe that might’ve disrupted the narrative I had going of me being against og bellagio. Also DeNara should still be here, don’t think I didn’t clock the fact that Ben scored a 0. I also found out from Andrew that Rachael and Ben are apart of the same Tengaged group which explains why Rachael was so set on Ben staying but like, listen, if I end up in a game with someone I’m friends with, and they’re not active and helping the tribe. Good riddance.

What the. We lost yet again. I have lost everything since the start of the game. It's crazy. There are 4 from Bellagio, 2 Palazzo and 2 Luxor. 2+2 seems like an obvious plan, but it looks like it is falling apart already (read: Joey). Sucks to be across the world, so instead of scheming, I'll be sleeping.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. is the same as I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty. 

The swap did happen. Expected it. Glad we won this first challenge in this new tribe tho in worried for Stephanie and Joey

Vault Shenanigans - Holy shit I did not expect this to be as powerful as it is. I was preparing myself for some sort of payment based search system, but being able to straight up buy the items I want, but its also the same for other people. I had a misconception at how generous the wheel was so I'm probably behind some people with the amount of chips, but I could very well start scooping up some of the steal votes and just say "see ya" to the idols, although getting a super idol would be very wild, it still seems risky to hold out that long to get it, even though there's a great amount of power associated with it. The other issue with a super idol is that I think that its very likely that if I get into a position where I need to use it, that I lose a lot of respect with the jury if it does happen. The only benefit from actually having it would be that I no longer have to worry about someone else whipping it out, so it'd be less for me wanting it, but more for others not having it. As of now, I think my optimal play is to hold on to my chips until around ~40, and then buy both vote steals at once, OR go all out for the super if someone has already bought an idol by that point, because I would be operating under the assumption that the frontrunner is already out of the running. Tribe Swap Shenanigans - This is a hell of a tribe swap. 5-2-1 is always a great spot to be in, I am already good within the 5 that I have so I don't have to worry about anything there, it should be relatively smooth sailing as far as getting to the merge. Mo/Jake are alright so far, neither particularly speak too much. Kevin has not reached out at all, probably will try to talk to him tonight for general purposes, even if he seems like he'd be an easy one to get out first should we go to tribal the next time. But generally I really don't plan on losing so it's kind of a wash. I'll take the smooth sailing, easy path to merge. Premerge is never as relevant as merge is when it comes to FTC as long as you have something to show for yourself at the merge. I've got all game to make my presence known, and I plan on using the entirety of the game to do so.

I feel super anxious today because even though I had a great conversation and built a good connection to Joey, there hasn't been any talk about the vote quite yet. I mean obviously names have rolled out but nothing solid is out there still, I think I just need to let go of the urgency for a name to start being spread early on and just let things be. Stephanie and I have been chatting a bit here and there today so I feel more comfortable with her and hopefully she sees things from a similar perspective as everyone else - the Bellagio foursome needs to get broken up right now. As long as it's not my name of course!!!!! Plz vote Ben @everyone. Or Kailyn tbh save me a little bit of trouble now. Talking to Xavier is SO HARD LMAO. He doesn't immediately contribute information into a conversation and as bad as I wanna get rid of Ben, I almost..almost think going for Xavier is the smarter move, since Xavier doesn't seem too motivated to actually get to know ME and work with me. I'm selfish that way. Kailyn doesn't seem like she wants to do Ben which is a little frustrating but I totally get it, if Ben stays he's going to go after her hardcore but like she needs to actually pitch me an alternative lmfao. I don't wanna go bending over backwards just to appease her right now so if she doesn't gimme a name.. sorry sis but then I think it's gonna be Joey's call on this one :/

I am being very cautious now. The 4 of us (me, John, Joey and Steph) are going to vote together. Now Jaiden wants to vote Nik. And Kailyn wants to vote Ben. Why can't we just agree on one?! And it always has to go down to the wire. Stick together, people!

I think I am possibly leading the charge against Nik rn?? Joey told me he wanted Ben and then I told him I wanted Nik and now he wants Nik LOL take that Stephen 

Okay well I have no idea what's going to happen tonight, but I'm going into tribal not afraid of the vote I am probably going to have to make ... I think the best move is to just vote for Nik and be done with it, but it's going to cause a serious rift in a lot of my relationships if I do so. I've been super wishy-washy to a lot of people I think and right now it doesn't make sense to continuously do one thing when I mean another.. especially since there seems to be zero ground to move upon when it comes to getting the vote to turn from Nik to Ben. Nik doesn't even SEEM ACTIVE?? Why are we making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Ben can't just walk around deciding what's going on and I think Kailyn would prefer to keep Nik around rather than Ben but it's like... so push for Ben to be the target hun! She's feeding into someone else's move no matter what she does, it's either Ben's agenda or John's agenda. Pick a side, but pick the side I'm on, too. Why don't we just vote for Kailyn tbh. lmao

[mittensmorgul]

Still out a bit ahead of the TNT loop, but real quick about 13.13, 13.14, 13.15, and 13.16 today... wow. Just wow.

I’m sorta gonna talk about these episodes in general, because they’re all pushing the same themes. Choice, and having your choices limited by circumstance until there’s nothing for it but to make the desperation play... 

Anael confronted by Lucifer. She was just living her own life, using her angelic powers to heal people... yes, for money, but that’s how these things work on the human plane, right? As we learn about her later, she was Joshua’s successor, closest to the person God continued to talk to until she was demoted to button pusher in Heaven after questioning the entire system. And now, finally free and having survived all the angel wars and factions, she’s cornered by Lucifer and strikes a bargain to save her own life. She gives up her freedom. It’s not like she had a choice, right? She believes Lucifer can do what he says and fix Heaven, but she’ll discover how misguided that choice was (but was it really a choice at the time?).

Cas and Donatello. Soulless prophet corrupted by the Demon Tablet, he didn’t really have a choice. Cas was right, Donatello was a danger to everyone (but primarily Dean, who Donatello nearly killed with a thought). He also had the knowledge they needed to save Mary and Jack, and potentially the whole world if they could stop AU!Michael from bringing his war to their world. Cas didn’t really have a choice, did he? He could’ve chosen to do nothing, but instead he sacrificed himself-- both breaking his vow never to use that power against a human without their consent, and sacrificing Dean’s respect for him for making that horrific choice. Horrific as it was, they did get what they needed...

A Most Holy Man... and isn’t this just a tidy encapsulation of Chuck’s storytelling? I wrote something back in August about “chicanery and chicanes” about this episode, and I stand by that read of it all.

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/187240854825/im-rewatching-1315-a-most-holy-man-right-now

and

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/187243848860/oh-one-last-important-note-from-1315-regarding

And then we have TFW vs the Scooby Gang. There’s freaking LAYERS in this episode, friends. In a world of cartoons, Dean is... sort of like a God. He already knows the story, knows what’s supposed to happen next, knows all the “cartoon rules” (the one book that’s a different color is the one that opens the trap door clearly outlined on the floor, etc.). But then... the cartoon stops following the established rules, and the ghost isn’t actually a dude in a rubber mask, and people who were supposed to have fled in fear instead end up murdered in their beds... But then they discover the ghost being tortured to make all of this happen, the boy used as a weapon to get revenge on people who a very bad man wants to manipulate for his own profit. This boy doesn’t want to destroy things, but he just gets so angry. The promise of release, of an end to his manipulation and torment, wins him over. They’re able to set the cartoon world back to rights, with the cartoon characters seemingly none the wiser that they were all having breakdowns five minutes earlier.

There’s... a lot about free will going on in this episode. The boy trapped in the weapon is freed, the weapon is destroyed, and the man who’d been wielding that weapon for his own purposes was hauled off to jail for tax evasion. Not his worst crime by far, but the one that would get him locked up. He’d tried to write his own story, using others for his entertainment and personal gain. Is it just me or do all the villains kinda resemble Chuck at least a little bit now?

I also noticed a beer sign in the Dean Cave that I don’t remember whether or not I made the connection before, that the only other time we’ve seen it (as far as I can recall off the top of my head) was in 11.20, in Chuck’s bar at the end of the universe. Setoski. The neon sign reads “Setoski since 1954.” In 11.20, some of the letters weren’t operational, and it read “Setoski ce 1954.”

Interesting for a lot of reasons, but directly connecting Chuck to Scoobynatural and the storytelling overall? Yeah, that’s a big one. Also, 1954 is when both John and Mary Winchester were born, and the cosmic wrangling to bring the long-awaited story to fruition began in earnest.

[the-marvel-imagines-blog]

Madness | Chpt. 6

Requests are Open

Chapter Title: “Collateral Damage”

Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character

Word Count: 4,786

Warnings: hurt/no comfort, Angry!Eva, violence, Angry!Loki

Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”

A/N: I want to take a moment to apologize for my absence. I’ve had some health problems recently, and within the last couple of weeks, I’ve lost entire days thanks to said problems. I’m finally feeling well enough again to post, but during my time being sick, I’ve managed to come up with quite a bit of content. Thank you so much for reading and enjoying what I’m writing. Even if not every chapter is you cup of tea, it means a lot to see that people are leaving likes, messaging me, reblogging, etc.! Please note that I have taken and will be taking a lot of creative liberties pertaining to these characters. This will be shown in excess during the upcoming chapters, so I just wanted to give a bit of a warning. There are some timeline changes, character changes, etc. Once again, thank you so much for reading. I love you all <3

Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)

“Looks like you lost,” I dictated as I dragged him down the stairs to the dungeons. My entire body felt like it was on fire, but it didn’t stop the shiver from running down my spine at the thought of what he was capable of. Ezra showed us something none of us could’ve expected. He was skilled in ways that we were unprepared for, ways I didn’t even know could exist. I still trembled at the thought of my slain comrades-members of Odin’s kingsguard-rising and fighting against us. The more people of ours Ezra killed, the more people he had fighting for him. The battle was unfair and horrific, but we still won even after members of the kingsguard forced Odin away from the situation. Ezra had surrendered after we had gotten him onto his knees. My sword had been pressed against his throat, and all I needed to do was give it one swift motion to kill him. I couldn’t, though.

There was something that kept me from killing him, but I had no idea what it was. Maybe it was the familiarity in those green eyes or the endless knowledge he seemed to have about me. Still, my decision to keep him alive could be useful in the future of Asgard. He was another enemy who would be a prisoner in the dungeons, a man we could retrieve information from. He snickered at me, “you may have won, but what did it cost you?” he asked, glancing down at the wound on my abdomen.

I ignored his comment, feeling the pain radiating from the wound. During the battle, he had taken a swing at Ephinea, a blow I did my best to protect her from. I had pushed her back and tried to put as much distance between him and I as possible, but it wasn’t enough. My sword blocked his axe, and while I struggled to disarm him, I was unaware of the dagger he pulled out until he buried it in my abdomen. The dagger cut right through my training armor-which had not been suitable for battle-and pierced into my flesh. I had not yet seen it, but a piece of me was convinced it was nothing while the rational part of myself was sure it was something much more than I was prepared to deal with. If I could still walk, I was fine.

Behind Ezra and I were the remaining members of the kingsguard who did not sustain significant injuries as well along with Ephinea, Sif, and the warriors three. Thor had taken to the throne room with his father to discuss what would come next. Everyone in the dungeons was silent when they saw the crowd of warriors that it took to secure the newest prisoner. They watched us in a stunned silence, including Loki. I avoided all eye contact with the God of Mischief, still hurt by his actions an entire week ago. While I wished for an empty cell anywhere else in the dungeons, the only free one was directly across from Loki’s, which would undoubtedly cause me to worry much more than I should have. The cells were practically impenetrable, and even if Ezra managed to break free of his cell, there would be no real reason for him to go after Loki.

As we stood in front of his cell, he turned to face me as I spoke, “this is gonna be your new home. I don’t know where you came from or what you knew before this, but you won’t be going back there anytime soon. You said you haven’t seen a sunrise for more than 300 years?” I asked, and he nodded his head, a grin forming on his lips in anticipation for what I was about to say, “well, be prepared to wait another 300 because you aren’t getting out of here for a long time,” I growled, glaring up at him and his apathetic expression. It was as if he had no remorse at all for the lives he had taken, like the entire battle before this meant nothing to him. His reaction was sickening.

He cocked one of his thick eyebrows, “you have a fire within you that you try to ignore, pet, but you can’t hide it from me,” he replied before lunging forward and attacking my lips with his. It shocked me at first, but I leaned into it after a moment, realizing that I could use it to my advantage. Everyone around us who was there to ensure his safe transportation to his cell was left in shock, but they always knew that I had a plan. My lips molded together with his thick ones, and while I was disgusted to be kissing the man who just killed so many of my people, I knew that this was going to work out in my favor. While Ezra was distracted by the kiss, I eased one of my daggers from its sheath at my side and reached behind him before sinking it into his lower back.

He sucked in a sharp breath, disconnecting our lips. His face distorted in pain, and his chest rumbled as I pulled the dagger from his body, twisting it in the process. Once it was out, I dropped it on the ground behind him and reached into the small pouch on my belt to pull out one of the tracking devices I always carried with me. In one swift motion, I shoved two of my fingers into the wound to deposit the tracking device as deeply as possible. He grunted and twisted to break free of my grasp, but I would not release him. I released the tracking device once I was sure it was embedded deep enough that he could not feel it and dig it out on his own. When I finally removed my fingers, I rested my hand against his wound and focused all of my energy on transferring it over to myself. That was the one downfall of my healing power. I was unable to heal someone without transferring their wounds onto myself. While he was not worthy of my help, I couldn’t leave the wound open for fear that he would just pull the device out. Now, it he wanted to take it out, he would have to cut himself open and dig for it.

As the wound transferred to myself, I gritted my teeth, but nothing could compare to the wound on my abdomen. It was like if one had been stabbed by Surtur himself, a scraped knee could never compare to it, so the pain was far more tolerable. Once I finished healing his wound, I glared up at him, “you’re going to have a lot of time to think while you’re down here, and that’s all you get to do. If you move, I’ll know about it. If you speak, I’ll know about it. If you have any thoughts about breaking out of your cell, I will know about it. I didn’t kill you today because I believe in second chances. If you fail to cooperate or if you become a threat to anyone I know or love, I will not hesitate to kill you,” I growled at him.

He nodded his head, “my execution would be against the Allfather’s wishes. It’s a beautiful sentiment-it truly is-but...tell me, pet, how will you protect the two people you love most when one is here and one is on Midgard?” he asked, referencing her once more.

My eyes widened, and he smirked at the look of dread that was clear on my face. I saw my reflection in his eyes and saw a girl who had everything to lose, someone who had lost so much already. As my protective instincts kicked in, I grew furious that he even put their safety in question. I pulled my fist back and landed a hard punch against his cheek. When his head snapped to the side to accommodate the blow, I swiped his feet out from under him to bring him down to the ground. As he caught himself on his knees, I pulled out my other dagger and pressed it against his throat with one hand while I grabbed a fistful of his hair with the other. I squatted down to be at his level, “say it again,” I growled.

He smirked, “and what if I did? What if I threatened them again?” he asked, challenging me, “would you kill me, an unarmed man on his knees? Would you take my life the same way your enemies took your friends life on Vanaheim? You and I both know that you don’t have what it takes,” he hissed, bringing up Hjalmar. My chest tightened, “the only way to save the ones you love so dearly is to accept your destiny, to accept what you’re truly meant to be.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “and what is that?”

“A god,” he answered with a smile as he leaned into my blade against his throat, “just like me.”

I shook my head, my entire body trembling as anger and rage built up in my chest, “I am nothing like you,” I growled, furious that he would even try to compare the two of us. He fought and killed so many of my people and raised them back to be monsters. What was it for? I only fought when it needed to be done. I didn’t seek out confrontation. I fought, and even killed, the few who put the lives of the many at stake, and it always sat with me. The eyes of my victims never left my mind, for I was aware that I had taken someone’s loved one away from them. Ezra showed in the short time I knew him that he was nothing like that. He killed without remorse, and I saw no conflict in his eyes once it was over. We were nothing alike.

He chuckled, “that’s where you’re wrong, pet. You and I are more alike than you know, and that’s how I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that you’ll lose both of them in time,” he said, and my heart felt like it would fall through the floor. How did he know all of my deepest and darkest fears? That was always the one thing that scared me the most: losing the ones I loved. Of course, it was the fear of so many people, but he was able to pull up the two people I cared for more than anything else and use their safety against me, “it’s in your nature. You’ll always lose,” he added.

My chest rose and fell as I struggled to find air. It felt like his threats were taking the air from my lungs, and I felt like I would suffocate. I saw how big a threat he was, but we managed to bring him down together. I didn’t want to imagine what Cul’s entire army could do. Everything had been thrown at us so quickly, as we had no knowledge of who Cul was or that Odin even had an older brother at all. Everything that happened that day just made me feel uncertain of everything. Still, I couldn’t show Ezra that, “and what about you? You’re the man who kneels before me with my dagger against his throat. You lost,” I hissed.

“You’ll need me soon enough,” he remarked, gesturing down to the stab wound on my abdomen that throbbed with a pain I never experienced before. The wound hurt badly enough that it felt like I would be sick from the pain. I had been stabbed before, and the wounds never felt quite like that. Perhaps, it had just been too long, and I forgot the sensation. I shook the thoughts from my mind and focused on him once more as he continued, “and the moment you come to me, begging for my help, is the moment when you’ll finally realize that you are the one who has lost,” he sneered, his eyes cutting right through me. It was like he could see every weakness and insecurity I had.

“If you or anyone else tries hurt the people I care for, you won’t be able to find shelter from the storm I unleash. You don’t want to make me an enemy,” I threatened him.

He shook his head as if he was disappointed in me, and I furrowed my eyebrows. When his eyes finally met mine once more, he snickered to himself, “you speak like a warrior, but there is no true weight in your words. I know-as well as you do-that you would never pose a threat to the one thing you believe in more than anything else: Life. That’s why I know you won’t kill me. I’m not afraid of you,” he stated, nonchalantly as he leaned into the blade, hard enough to draw blood.

I stood up, sheathing my dagger, before pulling him up onto his feet. He stood much taller than me, but I didn’t feel small in that moment. Even though I was insecure about what would come next, I couldn’t show my fears to the man who was threatening the lives of the people I loved. I needed to be strong, or he would take advantage of my weaknesses. I grabbed a fistfull of his hair and pulled his head down to mine, maintaining eye contact the entire time, “you aren’t afraid of me,” I hissed before leaning in to his ear, “but you should be,” I whispered the line I had been told only once before. It had shaken me to the very core when it was said to me, but I felt powerful now that I was on the other end. My voice was low enough so that only he could hear me, and once I finished, I pulled away from him and shoved him into his cell. Ephinea activated the cell wall before he was even able to regain his balance. I couldn’t help the smile as I watched him struggle to not fall onto his face, but the sharp pain in my abdomen cut that short.

Not wanting to waste anymore time on him, I turned to face the members of the Kingsguard. They were some of the most well-trained warriors Asgard had to offer, so much so that they were trusted with protecting the Allfather himself. The kingsguard lined the halls of the palace at all times of the day and night, and they stood guard over the dungeons as well. I picked up my blood-covered dagger that I had dropped on the floor moments prior and lowered it back into its sheath. I pointed over at Ezra but stayed focused on the warriors before me, “I want two guards posted outside his cell every second of every day. I never want him left unsupervised, and if he is, you’re going to wish that you experienced the Allfather’s wrath instead of mine,” I threatened, feeling my unchecked fury rising further and further in my chest. I surprised myself at the harsh tone of my voice, but I didn’t change it, “if he shows any signs of agitation, I want to know about it. If he takes one step out of line, I want to know about it. If he breathes offbeat, I want to know about it. I want every detail of his existence to be monitored while he’s down here. I want nothing to go unnoticed. If he speaks out of line, I want to know what he said and when he said it. Do you understand?”

I saw the startled expression on every face of the men before me. I had always been known for my calm and collected nature, and the only time I ever broke away from that was when I was in battle. Even then, I had never been so ruthless, especially never with them. They all nodded in agreement to my orders, but one of the guards stepped forward, his eyes just as confused as the rest, “I mean you no offense when I ask this, but...what would you do about it, my lady?”

As I brushed past all of them, needing to take my place with Thor and Odin to discuss our next moves, I answered his question, “I’ll kill him.”

Before I could make it very far at all, Ezra yelled after me, “good luck, pet. I take pity on you for what is about to come,” he shouted, that booming voice echoing throughout the silent dungeons. It was as if every prisoner stood completely still as I walked by-all but one. As I walked past Loki’s cell, I stared straight ahead, refusing to even look his way, still hurt by what transpired between us a week prior. It broke my heart to ignore him that way, but I had to focus on the safety of the Nine Realms. A piece of it was also to protect him. If there was a chance I could convince Ezra that I no longer cared for Loki, that Loki wasn’t a weakness of mine that he could exploit, I was going to take it. It was the best way to protect Loki at that point.

As I walked past his cell, he banged on the wall, yelling my name and trying to attract my attention, but I still didn’t give in. I blinked away the tears in my eyes, my heart shattering as I had to look the other way once more. I did that before, and I couldn’t believe I was doing it again. I was still hurt and angry at him for what he said when I visited him that night, but I could never stay mad at him for too long, not over trivial things like that. Even as I ascended the stairs, I could still hear his pained voice calling my name. My ears began ringing, and the world around me seemed unsteady. When I reached the last few stairs, the wound on my abdomen sent a piercing pain through my entire body, and I jolted forward to accommodate the sudden and intense pain. If Loki had seen me fall as I had in that moment, he would’ve laughed at me before falling down with me, not wanting me to feel isolation and embarrassment. I coughed, and the fleeting thoughts of my love were pushed to the side as I tasted the blood in my mouth. I swallowed it back just as the guards ran over to me to help me up, just like Loki would have done.

*Loki’s POV*

I felt the immeasurable pain that she was experiencing, and I couldn’t help but feel like there was something seriously wrong. That was one of the things that never stopped for me, no matter how deep my madness became. She was still there, an untouched and untainted beauty among the raging wildfire that was my mind. I could always feel her pain, her suffering, her joy, and her love. I could feel every emotion and every ounce of physical pain, which Thanos used to his advantage. While it killed me inside to know that she was hurting, it let me know that she was still alive, wherever she was. This sensation was something new, though. I could barely stand due to the pain in my abdomen. Even when she had transferred his wound onto herself, it couldn’t hold a candle to the pain I began experiencing no long before.

Everyone began filing out of the dungeons aside from the two guards Eva demanded always stand watch over the new prisoner. I had never seen Eva deal with anyone quite like that, but he must’ve made her feel something otherworldly to pull out that side of her. Watching it was exhilarating in a way that I never would’ve expected. I could feel the anger and pain coursing through her veins every moment she stood before him, but I could also feel her conflict. When he mentioned two people-one here and one on Midgard-I found myself trying to piece together who it could be. Perhaps he was speaking about Aaldir or Thor. I was certain she cared little for me after what I did the last time we saw each other. The unnamed person on Earth was what I tried to piece together first, though. Was it Tony Stark? I noticed that the two of them had quite the connection when I was around them on Midgard. What if it was the Soldier? The two of them shared similar beliefs, and he had protected her from near death quite a few times.

When another piercing pain erupted in my abdomen, I gritted my teeth and grunted, reaching for the tender spot. As I tried to breathe through the pain, I heard his laughter from the cell diagonal to mine, “you must be Loki!” he smiled, amused at my pain. I knew that madness well, well enough to know that it was not all his own. Someone had taken advantage of a weakness and used it against him. A small part of me felt empathy for him, but I couldn’t help but think of how he must’ve hurt Eva. As I glared up at him, he cocked his head to the side, “I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m a pretty big fan because of what you did on Midgard-you know, attempting to kill everyone who wouldn’t blindly follow your rule. I have to say that it was a bold move for the unloved son of a false king,” he barked before taking a deep breath and calming his nerves, “I’m Ezra Culson, the new bane of Eva’s existence. You’ve been replaced.”

“What did you do to her?” I yelled, anxious to know what had transpired to bring about a pain like this. Before Ezra pointed out the wound on her abdomen, it was barely noticeable, especially since she showed little signs of discomfort while she was in the dungeons. Still, shortly before she came down to the dungeons, I had felt the intense pain, and I knew she had been stabbed. This sensation, however, was so different than before. When we were on Midgard, I...she had been stabbed. That was nothing like this. I grunted as I stood up straight, trying to ignore the burning sensation.

Ezra shook his head, a hint of guilt in his eyes that didn’t seem completely genuine, “I didn’t come here to fight-not today, anyway-but when Odin refused to my terms and your brother refused my offer to take Eva off your hands, I had no choice. She got in the way,” he said, nonchalantly as he shrugged it off like it was nothing. Even the guards outside of his cell were disturbed. Everyone in Asgard knew Eva, and everyone knew that she was the embodiment of all that was good and light in this world. Ezra acted as if his action of attacking her was nothing serious, like attacking her wasn’t like he was attacking the very fabric of life itself. During my stunned silence, he continued to speak, “let’s just say that you’re not the only one who has it out for Odin.”

“I couldn’t care less about him. You hurt her!” I snapped, slamming my fist against the cell wall and startling the guards and the other prisoners within the dungeons. Ezra would have a hard time in the dungeons because no matter how much the other prisoners hated Odin and Asgard, they could not bring themselves to even speak unkindly of Eva. The longer the prisoners stayed in the dungeons, the more they grew accustomed to her singing, and because Eva showed the planet so much love and kindness, everyone who resided here could feel her energy coursing through them. Her connection to the world and life was incredible. As my chest tightened, I glared at him, “you hurt her, and I’m going to kill you for that,” I growled in a low voice.

He shrugged it off again, “collateral damage,” he remarked, “it’s nothing that can’t be undone. When she gives in and leaves with me, which she will, I’ll heal her, and we’ll be on our way.”

“She’s not going anywhere with you!” I yelled once more, realizing that he was doing exactly what he wanted to do, and I was allowing it to happen. He was crawling right under my skin, and I couldn’t stop it. It was like Thanos all over again. Ezra just knew my weakness, and he was going to exploit it. He would try to break me, but I wouldn’t lose Eva again, and that was what kept me from falling back into the comfort of my own darkness.

He chuckled, “I have a better claim to her even as an outsider, or did you forget?” he asked, and my eyes widened as it felt like my chest would completely cave in. He couldn’t have been referencing that moment, but it wouldn’t surprise me with all that he knew about Eva and myself. A part of me wished to know where he acquired this information, but the part that took hold of me in that moment was still the nervous and insecure man I was before I fell from the Bifrost, before I pushed Eva out of my life, before I realized that I would never truly be my father’s son. I could still remember Odin’s words as if our conversation was happening that very moment:

“A girl who could pass as a princess even without a prince would be better suited for Thor, and I will not entertain these childish games any longer!”

It was the first moment in my life that I felt utterly hopeless. All that I had done up until that moment seemed like it was in vain. I had loved Eva, and she loved me. When she forced me to relive that memory in the dream, I couldn’t help but associate it with the conversation that followed with my father. He had been the one to pull me from our beautiful moment, our last beautiful moment. Our conversation was meant to open the doors for millions of other beautiful moments, but he slammed those doors in my face, telling me that I would never be worthy enough for Eva, that she was being saved for Thor. It was the beginning of my downfall, and she was the one who was hurt most from it.

While my chest heaved, I imagined ripping his tongue from his throat. I imagined slitting his throat open while he spoke of how Eva was nothing more than “collateral damage.” I imagined his blood on my hands as I tore him apart for what he did to her and for what he tried to do to me. I knew that all he had to do was exploit my weakness, and he would be able to turn me against her. Something in me was broken, and he wanted to toy around with it, “speak one more word, and you’ll wish for death when you see what I do to you,” I threatened, narrowing my eyes at him and realizing just how familiar they looked, like I had seen them a thousand times before. Green...like the color of spring.

He chuckled, sitting on the floor and tucking his legs under himself. It seemed as if he would let my comment roll off his back, but that was the opposite of what he did. Instead, he brought up the one thing I cared about more than anything else. Eva. He grinned, madness in his eyes, “threaten me again, and you’ll wish for death when you see what I do to her.”

Without warning, my mind felt like it was being torn apart, like the broken edges were being chipped away at. As I fell to the floor in a massive pain radiating from the ghost wound on my abdomen and the sudden and intense pain in my own mind, I gritted my teeth and groaned loudly. I could remember her eyes that day, the day I hurt her more than I could ever forgive myself for. I had expected her to look at me like I was a monster, like I was her enemy. However, she didn’t. She spoke my name with fear in her eyes and sorrow in her voice. It was my first moment of clarity in so long, but it was also my greatest moment of weakness and tragedy because I hurt the one thing I wished to protect: my friend, my princess, my love.

My Eva.

[firelord-frowny]

a bunch of rambling about madison and his history and my writing process under the cut, woooo

So, pretty much everything I’ve ever written about Madison for the past 11 years has been very much in a ~diary~ style - more or less stream of consciousness and told in the first person, with varying tenses depending on the nature of the diary entry. 

i don’t really do any sort of planning or mapping. madison’s life just kinda unfolds, and i document it for him, and it isn’t always in chronological order, his narrations aren’t always reliable, and i’m pretty much never aware of any foreshadowing or allusions or allegories as i’m writing them, even though they’re definitely present. 

the bit i was just writing captured my attention bc of the things that just sort of uncovered themselves after i was writing it.

madison is 26. his mom died from breast cancer when he was nearly 19. they had a hella sad relationship for many reasons, the majority of which had to do with his mom’s failure to protect him from abuses acted out upon him by his much older brother, and their dad (who wasn’t actually madison’s biological dad). the whole truth of the matter was that the dad was a whole grown man, like 27, when he began a predatory relationship with madison’s mom, who was only around 14. his family owned the business that employed madison’s mom’s parents, and so they were kind of manipulated/extorted into allowing this creep to make off with their daughter. he moved her away, knocked her up, married her, and pretty much just kept her as a pet and was decidedly Very Bad to her. 

madison didn’t grow up knowing about any of that and pretty much always viewed his mom as a stupid, selfish woman who didn’t care enough about her own children to get them away from an abusive spouse. for most of his life he tried hard to earn his mom’s love, but gave up in his mid-late teens and decided to just hate her, and make sure she knew he hated her. 

then she gets ill, and pretty much from the onset, it’s clear she’s not gonna live much longer. she tries to make amends with madison - tries to apologize for things and whatnot. answers some questions that he deserved to have answered. but he wouldn’t forgive her, and stayed angry, and made sure she knew he would always be angry, and those were the circumstances she died in. 

then he kinda lost his mind and went awol for a few years before resurfacing. 

madison had always been one of those reckless types who doesn’t really actively try to hurt himself, but he’ll let himself get into situations where there’s an above average chance that he’ll be hurt or even end up dead. and so, that’s the lifestyle he dove into when he ran off. but shit got a bit more real than he anticipated and suddenly he realizes - wait, i’m gonna have the rest of forever to be dead, im not so sure i’m okay with not being alive so soon. 

but by the time he had that change of heart, he was in way too deep in some really perilous shit and he spends the next two years fighting to keep his head above water long enough to get out of the shit he was in. 

So, he finally turns up back home like a coughed up furball on his best friend’s/ex lover’s doorstep, and he confronts all the wreckage he left behind, and then also has to deal with the fact that after everyone he left behind cleaned up all that wreckage, they all thrived in his absence. they’d all been struggling in a similar manner to him before, but once he was gone, they got carreers, they reached goals, they made enjoyable lives for themselves. And he’s stuck grappling with the fact that maybe he was the one holding them all back all those years. 

in the midst of all this, he’s sick. like, physically ill with Something. and he’s terrified to see a doctor because, remember, he FINALLY wants to live, genuinely wants to be ALIVE, and now he’s scared he might have a life threatening health issue, and he’s too scared to find out for sure. 

and as he begins the process of unpacking all these horrible feelings that made him build such a shitty life for himself, he kinda realizes that it all goes back to his determination to Stay Angry and Stay Hurt. Like. He went out of his way to avoid any form of closure or release because I guess he kinda felt entitled to his anger. 

so, slowly, he starts kinda going back through time and walking through the things and people and places that shaped the person he chose to become. he breaks into visits his childhood home. his brother died by suicide when madison was 16, and so he couldn’t confront him about a painful secret they shared, so instead he confides that secret secret in the one friend he knows might understand the impact it had on him. 

his mom is dead, too, so he can’t change anything with her, but his mom’s sister still lives in boston, so he goes to visit her. 

that visit is the thing i was writing about earlier today. 

the aunt was about 8 years old when madison’s mom, at 14, ran off with the man she ran off with. but over the years, the sisters still managed to keep in touch, and madison’s mom told her a lot about what life was like with her husband and two sons. 

so, madison hears a lot of stories from the aunt. learns for the first time that his mom was just a kid when she was basically taken captive by an abusive grown man. learns how she met his biological father, learns that she’d intended to leave her husband and move to south africa to be with madison’s real dad, and learns that she abandoned that plan in fear after her husband discovered she was pregnant and assumed the baby was his. 

that ~painful secret~ between madison and his brother is the fact that the brother, 17 years madison’s senior, sexually abused him a few times. (on the final time, the dad caught them, and proceeded to abuse him as well on just one occasion, but that detail isn’t super relevant here). 

at some point after the abuse, madison overheard his mom on the phone telling someone that she “hopes he doesn’t end up queer, because I think [older son] might have messed with him.” 

madison discovers that the person she was talking to was his aunt. 

and he’s immediately livid and heartbroken and let down to know that she didn’t try to intervene in any way. 

and she’s sorry, she’s remorseful, she’s been ahsamed for years and she wants to do her part to help madison be able to live a happy, healthy life. 

so, there’s a moment in madison’s internal dialogue where he’s realizing that he actually believes her when she says she’s sorry. 

and then there’s this bit that kinda shook me when i read it back to myself:

If my mom hadn’t died when she died, I don’t think I would have believed Aunt Carol. I think I would have been happy to just give her the finger like I did with mom. But now I have to live with that choice, and I hate it. I’m never going to be someone whose mother didn’t die believing I would never, ever forgive her. And I think, at least, that the one silver lining in it is that the part of me that was capable of holding on to that kind of grief and contempt died with her. 

So, I believe Aunt Carol. I believe she’s sorry, and that she would have done better if she’d known better, as the proverb goes. 

it’s this moment where he has an opportunity to sort of vicariously fix things with his mom. he gets to experience what it might have been like if both he and his mom had been emotionally healthy enough to make better choices. He can’t actually change what happened, but he has the privilege now of knowing that he has the capacity to be someone who can forgive someone who loved him for doing something horrible to him. he gets to understand, finally, that forgiveness has shit all to do with absolving someone of their sins, and has everything to do with releasing oneself from the burden of contempt. 

he figures out: yeah, he’s entitled to his anger, but he also deserves to not be angry. he has the right to stay angry at his mom for failing him so miserably, but he deserves to live without that anger. 

and i just!!!!! absollutely did not actually think through any of that. like. that wasn’t my intended point of this whole scene where Madison visits his aunt. All I really meant to do was just document this event in his life, but wooooow. 

Look where it took me. 

[is-i-halloween-yet]

The End of All Things (A Preview for the upcoming Antisepticeye X Reader Series)

(( AN: Preview Cause Im Really Nervous 😂

Okay well this takes place way before the story starts and it's kinda a tester and advice for how I write Anti cause I want it to be decent?

But I guess I can start getting some feedback and my other ones as well since I don't plan on releasing any until October....

So let me know if you wanna see some NateMare, Gear or Dark previews as well :)

Cause I am way too far ahead in most of these series.

It's kinda based on what I think these things are. A smol heads up 😬

And soooo this is gonna be nothing like the story... it's kinda like a little trailer.

And yeah I misspelt things on purpose. Give it more of a child vibe and it's also supposed to be taken kind of like you're intruding.

At first, anyhow.    

So yeah! Sorry I am crazy about dramatic details and overuse of extreme detail!!

I would love to get some feedback!!! Both on my writing and the characters!  So lemme know what you think :D

And most importantly  @justwritingscibbles who is first of all, an extremely talented writer but also just a rad human being who agreed to give me feedback! So again, thank you so much!  So go check her blog out!!!

Sorry for the long A/N

And without further ado-))

E N J O Y  T H E  S H O W

              "Happy birthday!"

He chuckled bitterly, swinging himself into the room as he stared at the sleeping figure in darkness, tear stains still remain on her cheeks from the past two hours of sobbing before she fell into her slumber. He even mused how you still sniffled slightly as she turned as he twisted the blade in on his palm, not digging into the flesh but creating a small circle as he pondered his position and options.

So many times he had desired nothing more that slit her throat, deep enough so that you wouldn't wake back up from the impact of the blade and would die in slumber, blood staining your bedsheet. Or perhaps he would drag it through your arm, cutting out the trace were he once held.

The other half of him, the half she had brought out, screamed at him to just hold you again, feel your flesh, warm and gentle and comfort her. Her to apologize. Beg. Hold him. Comfort. Turn away from your world and back at his with the same wonder you once held.

But he knew better.

It was over.

She didn't need him.

The memories were painful.

He tried to avoid coming here cause he always faced himself with the pain of become soft again, melting as the memories danced around the room in everything from the color of the walls to the window letting cold air in to the sleeping girl on the bed shivering.

Shivering?

He quickly moved to lay against her, restraining and deciding to go instead with realigning her blankets so she was completely covered. Even through all the year she looks the same, he mused to himself, not being able to resist the urge to wipe the tears from your eyes and stroke the small of your back, dropping the knife onto your nightstand as you stirred slightly.

"Shhh... Princess.... Go back to sleep." He coaxed, euphoria hitting him like a chill against his spine, "Lets go back together." He continued, grabbing your hand and focusing, "Together. Just like we promised. One more time-"

"Once more until next year."

"AH! Owie!"

"Shhh.... You've got to be quiet.”

"Ow! Ow! OW!"

"Hush... Hush now...Im almost done."

"It huwrts Anti!"

"I know princess I know."

He hated seeing her in pain.

It didn't matter to him how old or young one was. It didn't matter your background. Anti would inflict harm on you without hesitation, but this child, for whatever reason, was an exception.

He'd never admit it to anyone other than her, but there was something about her that drew him to the young child. A soft spot in his tough demeanor.

And he loved it.

The girl allowed him to hold her small arm, pressing his palm a little bellow her wrist while the other hand was in hers as she squeezed it, bracing to pain. Her eyes were shut tight with as much concentration on not waking the babysitter downstairs as he had on placing the mark on her. She opened one eye to look at me the back at her arm which my hand covered tight, concealing the burn.

She whimpered, "Are you done yet?" She looked up at me with big pleading eyes, trying with all her might as it got more painful. Still he heard her sniff even though she tried not to cry while she whispered, "I just want ice crweam."

He chuckled slightly, only to stop when she kicked him gently in the leg, "It'snot funny!" She pouted, "You prahmised me ice crewam!"

I bit my lip as not laugh and went back to focusing, trying to finish so she would be out of pain. "And done..." He removed his hand, reveling the mark on the young child's arm as she looked at it with curiosity, clearly abandoning all thought of ice cream. "Now remind me. Why did you want this mark?"

She thought for a moment, "Becwause I stwart school tomrow and you said you cant come."

"What does it mean?"

"That we won't evwer be alwone."

He nodded, kneeling to her level so he could look into her eyes, "And what does it do?"

"It pwotects me!"

"How?" She tilted her head, pondering it, before shrugging and He smirked. "All you gotta do is say my name and I'll be there princess. No matter what." She beamed up at him and hugged him tight.

After a moment of shock he took her small form in his arms and hoisted her on his shoulders, "Now how about that ice cream?"

The mark was something way stronger than the entity wanted  to admit. Possibly even more than he knew, as the mark did different things to everyone depending on the entity who grants the moral marks. Usually it depended on the moral as well. Which was why he wasn't hesitant when she asked for it.

Still he couldn't say no.

He could never say no.

That being said, he despised the time he had to reapply it when she was nine, her grandparents eradicating the mere thought of his existence the moment their only grandchild brought it up and did all they could in their two days with her to make her drop her belief.

Two days and he was gone.

And the worse part was he only knew because of the pain he felt as the mark sank away from her skin. And it hurt him just as much as it hurt her.

As quickly as the sensation started he was by her side trying to bring back only this time, her pain was so immense that she took his hand, locking it over her mouth to prevent sobs from leaking though her rooms thin walls. Anti could feel her tears come into contact with his hand and it took all he had in him not to tremble or stutter, fearing the result it would have on her if he did.

"I'm s-ss-sorry..." She sobbed when I finished, "I-I-I don't kn-know why I believed them. Anti I'm so-"

He hugged her tightly, "Shhh. Shhh Princess. I'm okay. You're okay. Just go to bed okay."

He let her go, tucking her into bed and reading her a story as she fell asleep mumbling a single I'm sorry before she fell into a dreamless slumber. He knew it wouldn't last from there. She'd stop believing soon enough.

He didn't expect it to be so soon.

Six months.

It only took six months for the years of memories to come crashing down.

Two hours into her school day.

The day of her tenth birthday.

Of course it had to be a day when he was called to the council so all birthday plans were reserved until the evening and it had to be the day she was again, pushed into such a extremes, taunted, violated, physically pushed to the ground and forced into an therapist office while you screamed and cried, the ideas that you sketched the mark on your hand yourself as you went insane. He was in the meeting when he felt the pain, dashing away only to be confronted by the girls sobbing parents. He thought she had died until he heard your screaming and crying, muttering fallacies and false fantasies just to get it over.

“There’s not an Anti?”

“Anti. What kind of name is that?”

"I draw on myself all the time."

"Why can't others see him?"

"He wasn't here today he can't be a real protector if he wasn't here today."

"It's gotta be me it's gotta be me it's gotta be me."

"Y/N! Y/N!"

But she couldn't hear a thing.

with and with every scream and word, Anti felt himself break, a numbness spreading over his body replacing the pain, anger and frustration filling his bones as he stared into the room you were locked in.

....

It's over... Isn't it?

...

Fine

L͠͞et̴͝ ͏h̛e̶͠r͘҉ ͡͏fo̷͠r̡҉͝g͝ȩ͝t͞ ҉̛͞

Ĺ͎͔͎͞e͜͏͎̥̘͓ͅt̛͈̼͎̰̞̭͔ ҉̫̼̰̼m̯͖̞̬̬̬̩͇͜è̷̦͚͝ ̸̛̞͍͇̝͉̻͉͢r̛͙͉̱͓͇͟ͅe̡҉͏̝̝͇̲̘t͎̙̣̼̮̰̳͘͞ͅù͇͔̮̝ŗ͓̟̘́n̷̼̤̥͞ ̴̦̣͎̤̳͜

R͓̲e̤͇̫t̳̯̻̜̹ͅu̹̠͚̠̘r̜̬͙̕ͅn͏̥̮̹ ͔̻t͖̟̲͞o̭̣ y͕̼͓̜̭ò͇̯̣u̫̺͚͙̣̥̮ṟ̴̠̪̥̤ ͔r̰̳͍̥͍e̖̪a̶̪̩͎̤ͅl̨̼̲ ̗̦l̲̻̩̰͉͞i̼͇̘̰̺ͅf̸͉̫̭̟e͉̟͍͢

.͙ ҉̘͖̼En̜͔̱̥͓͞t̻̖͇̩̰̤e̡r̭͚͓̮͢ i̥̹̱n̞͙t̛̤̝̟o̙͓̝̘̗̯̰ ̵̯t͇͜he͏̞̻̼̻̻͎ ̙̤͖̫̹͕w̗̭͖o̰͎̟r͎̤̬̫l͇̣d̥̖̟͔͙͉͇ ̩͞of̬̫̯͕̮͢ ̪̬͇g̥̯̱̹o̲̥̙̥s҉̭̙̹̺s̘͙̠̹̠i̟̤͟p̣͇͓͙͍̬̘ ̹̀a̡̬͎͔̪͚̗͚ǹd̩ ͓͖̬̱g͏̮̣̞̫r͎͉̲͈̫̠̭a̛d͏̭͕e͔͞ś̪̥͖ ̹̪͔͎͔a͍͔̗̻͟n̠͖̝̯̰͓͉ḏ ͕͉l̪͔̣̮̰o̻̪̫̱̻̞v̘̖͕̱͈͠e͙̤͙̤͉̥r̸̠s̢̩͖͈̭͓̲̘.̱

͕̗̦̩O̷̪͙̫̣f̦͓̱̭͚̙͢ͅ v̺id̜̞͙̖̘̗ͅe҉̱̭̘̩͎o̹͚͇̺̪͚̳ ͓g̞̘͕͚̮͙͜a̰̱̕m̲͇̞͓̦̪es̝̤͉ ̳̖̲̜̫̦ͅa̶͉̰̫̮͓̳͎n̶͉̗̮̪̝͇̗d̯̳̜̬́ ̪̻͚t͕͍̭e̩̰͕śṱ̡s ̵̥a͏͖n̺̩̘̪̰d͈̗̙ ̢b̫͕̪̻̩̬i͙̦̬̤r̷̖͎t̘̕h̥͉̱̬̩d͖̗̪͔͈͟ͅa̧̦̗̲̞̜ỵ̞̮s̼͇̱̯̙͘ ̡̙͕̻͓ ̠͇͓ ̦̳̣

Ạn̵͈̲̰ͅd̙̟̗͔̼̯ ͙̜̻͜I͇̖̱͇͔'̢̱l͏̻͖͉̱̗l ̩̜̗̣̦ͅr͎͙̺̝é͙̝̫͇t҉u̯r͘n͓̻͈͎̞

T̶͓ͩ̑ơ̢̝̙̰̬͕̚͞ ̢̯͙̪̱̲ͫ̐ͪͯ͝m̴̯̫͎̥̩̗̣̱̃͌i̙̖̝̤̳̇̂ͦͫ̈́ͅň͋̊͂̒̿͏̡͏̻͈̘͇̼e͙̘̎ͮͭ͆͛̈́̚͡ ̧̫̰̝̹̳̘̮͉̂̔ͫ͗͒̎o̭̥͓̪ͯ͌͑̿f̝̪̥̐ͮ̓ͩ͛̄̾́ ̢̹͔̘͒̀̋ͤͣ͝B̶̳̥̻ͭ͛̈́ͩ̅̌͋ͯ͟L̡̪̩̘͎̘ͭ̈́͋ͦͬ́O̵̬̻͒ͥ̇͜O̷̥̟̜͉̒̌̈́ͅD̸̆̐ͨͪ̎̇͏͕͖̻̝̫͙̳̲ ̞͚̩̟̞̱͕̉ͥ͝͠͠a̵ͭ̅ͮ͏̲n̨͓̯̱̤̝̲̳̥ͩ̽̈́̓ͩd̮̮̩͉͛̍͢ ̨̓͗͗ͤ͂̆̓҉̙̠̖Ṫ͕̖̰̗͙̠̥̠́̍̋Ė̢̧͕͉͓̪̗̭̒A̶̺̼̙͕͇̮̗̪̗͆ͬ̆̈͝͞R̦̪̻͒ͧ̈́ͩ̿̇͝Šͪ͆̓͊͆̑͟҉͍́ -

You woke up with a gasp.

Clutching your head at the strange dream, throbbing as you tried to remember the events before the strange occurrence, you heart going back to Joshua.

Oh... I am such an idiot!

You felt your body shake as you bit your lip, itching your arm slightly as you closed your eyes, the pain of your head drowning out the pain of your head as your groaned in pain, itching to distract yourself.

Is this what it feels like to get drunk? I’m never drinking. If it is... Oh well! Thank goodness it’s Saturday!

You didn't want to sit up, only deciding to at the rapid buzz of your phone.

Halie: Damn boys suck

Georgia: And you know what: So does Lila

Sally: He's an ass. She’s an ass. BUT! But! Don't let him getchu down! You're sixteen!

Halie: It’s your birthday <3

Sally: And you better bet we are taking you out as soon

Georgia: You can drive now!

Halie: TASTE THE FREEDOM!

Y/N: Freedom aside I had the strangest dream last-

No.... No lets not. They don't need to know. They wont understand.

Y/N: heck yeah! I'm soooo getting my license today!

Moaning in pain at your head, you threw the phone down, standing up with you suddenly felt a breeze hit your skin.

That window... Did I leave that open last night?

Shrugging it off much to tired to care, you made your way down the stairs grabbing two Advil and a full cup of water, smirking to yourself at the emptiness of the area.

"Happy birthday." You murmured, tipping the glass up to no one and swallowing the pills.

And may the next be better than the last.

The writing of Anti’s thoughts:

Let her forget, Let me return

Return to your real life

Enter into the world of gossip and grades and lovers; Of video games and tests and birthdays

And I’ll Return

To Mine of BLOOD and TEARS

Hope you enjoyed! Tell me what you think! Wuv you all!! <3

[its-always-mchanzo-somewhere]

I need your McHanzo headcanons. None with solider76. Because im dying right now

//crackles knuckles// sal is a way so u get karma’s hc™ (allso not a hue soilder76 shipper so like i got u i got u)

so like this is just a random list of hcs probs idk how to words but imma try under the cut cuase i know myself, and i know this will be long so to not be a dick and make this long ass post on ur dash 

OKAY starting off omega and alpha why because that is whats stuck in my head but hc for that is image this omega hanzo who HATED being in heat he hated how it felt the first time he went through it and so he just sorta goes on some supplements to suppress it and word sorta gets out as they are trying to find and alpha for hanzo and gets to deadlock who’s has a hecka lot of alphas and they are like “fuck this we want him” and go kidnap hanzo, jesse ends up kidnapping him from deadlock’s leader because he likes the omega and couldn’t put up with this poor omega’s pleas to not be mated to this fucker. and ends up taking hanzo on lots of cute dates like they go to a fair and hanzo trys fried food and dosen’t care of it but he tries cotton candy and is like “wtf its so sweet WHERE IT GO!?!?!” and later hanzo picks a sushi place and feeds jesse since poor alpha has 0 idea how chopsticks work and just a slow nice build of friendship and love

another hc au this is like uh red string of fate cause like okay YOU KNOW MCCREE AIN’T GONNA WAIT TO MET HIS TIED PARTNER so image mores code every say saying “hi my name is Jesse McCree” and poor hanzo has to study on his free time cause eh realizes its a code but its an american code and just oneday “hello Jesse McCree, my name is Hanzo Shimada” and they talk and bond over tugging on this string, and jesse ends up braking into the shimada home just to steal hanzo away and they just live a happy life together in love and pure affection for each other

in sorta normal ovw shit i guess??? i hc them as friends that met on some missionary paid shit where they both end up at the same place (for differing reasons) and talk and just enjoy the other so are like “hey here text me w/e” and its actually hanzo who texts first asking if jesse has a minute and one night while he is drunk and depressed™ he just confesses a lot to jesse about what he did and then like the next day just is like appologizing and dosent text back again and jesse just sorta writes him once a day for a month or two saying it was okay, it was sorta nice that hanzo turned to him to talk to, and finally hanzo writes “why are you still talkin to me?” and jesse explains he gets it, hanzo’s been tho shit and he understands that shit and what it can be like, maybe not telling as much as hanzo but still like tells hanzo some of his own things. and they just like met up again and make it a routine thing ever so often to met up and just talk, that is till they sorta have feelings for each other and if or when (cause im tired and not going to look at ovw lore cause that is kinda a mess) but if lets go if today if ovw rebanded together i like to image jesse and hanzo end up joinging togetehr to keep others safe (both sorta few protecting innocent people as a means to redeem themselves or idk more of like a means of finding forgiveness to them selves?) and like then end up sharing a room and just become a thing slowly and they love to tease each other while on missions (”ya know that sake ain’t half bad” “how predictable”) and contently are competing over who has the best aim in ovw and i like to image later down the line (a few years to their current age) and they are happy together, and jesse sorta gets hanzo to find himself some peace, somedays are hard but he can now look genji in the eyes as his brother he cared for and not want to feel like the worst person ever. and i agree with mccree’s va with they 100% fite over decor. they fite over other lil shit but they also love each other, often times you can find them nuzzled up watching something or just really enjoying the peace and the comfort that the other one provides. pure and wholesome they love each other, only have eyes for the other and dear GOD only trusting the other person when the days are bad and that gose for jesse too!

honestly in any au i image jesse is the only one that can really tell when hanzo’s not okay / is the only one who would ask too out of fear of hanzo shimada. and i also image hanzo is the only one jesse can openly confront in besides good ol’ booze (don’t drink kids specially if your having depression™    let me tell you it don’t help D:) hanzo and jesse both know what to do but both really need a distraction from the thoughts and just sorta help with that in waht ever way that is, talking helps a lot just to fill the noise

i really really believe strongly as a game designer and artist myself that these two men really need the other as AT LEAST friends, the shipper in me wants more but if they could at least be friends it’d help, they deserve teh support and understanding that really only the other could understand. yes friends are nice but when you have that one friend where you can go “ya know when ____ dose ____ that feel?” “DUDE YES” it helps :/ a lot and that is how these two are to me they can grow with out sure???? i guess??? (i think jesse is as good as he’d get with out someone like hanzo in his life) but with teh support, the understanding, the love of the other they would grow in leap and bounds together.

sorry for this wall that makes little sense (honestly i you want me to go in more details or jsut want to yell at me go to my main blog (littlelostkarma) i just feel like no matter what au u throw them in no matter what u throw them in cannon ovw that these two will always find each other, they will always form a bond of best friend and lover. i love the thought that they end up happy, they end up in a supportive love. 

if you made it this far thanks ; v ; and i want peeps to know that this blog will remain 100% only mchanzo cause we both are have mcfallen hard for these 2

[dvddggs]

To the Four of Us (Part Thirteen)

premise: modern AU chronicling the squad as they make their way through college and deal with general life things. 

words: 2,328

warnings: swearin and i think that’s it tbh

a/n: i had this chapter planned out as fluff in my head but where’s the fun in that tbh lol enjoy

all chapters: x

tags: @heythereitsloey @anitheunicorn @newyorkyoucanbeanew @lafbagxette @justafangirlwithanavy @iamgrayfox @ordinaryornate @schuylerjoon @angelica-peggy-eliza @trashyperson101 @crazydragon15 @geespilots @marvelous-hamilfan @5p00kygh05t @panda-powers

dedication: @but-if-you-had-to-choose bc she is my fav and draws amazing art (her art blog is @abbydextrous-art) and @skittlegeek03 for the jmads (and art)!!!!

soundtrack song: Coffee Shop Soundtrack - All Time Low

full soundtrack: x

let me know what you thought of this one!! reblog to share w a friend and lemme know if you want me to tag you in updates! alsO IM A SLUT FOR FANART ((do w this info anything u like :-) )))

Alexander ended up spending the night in John’s bed. And the next night. And the one after that. Lafayette knew because he could hear them fucking until 2 o’clock in the morning all week long. He didn’t understand why they always needed to be in John’s room.

“Listen,” Lafayette told them one morning. “I understand that you need to ‘make up for lost time’ or whatever, but can’t you do it in Alex’s room once in awhile? I can’t sleep. And listening to your bed frame smack against the wall for hours is, in a word, disturbing.”

John just laughed, kissing Alex on the cheek.

“Hercules told us that if we even think about banging in my room he’ll beat me up,” Alexander said matter-of-factly. “And honestly I wouldn’t put it past him. So, no. Sorry, Laf.”

Lafayette scowled and stomped back into his room, slamming the door shut behind him.

“Oh well,” John laughed. “He’ll be fine.”

“No I won’t,” Lafayette yelled back.

It was finally Friday and the guys couldn’t have been more relieved. It had been the longest week of their lives. They’d been planning their Friday night outing since the middle of the week and, as much as it made Alexander feel guilty to admit it, he was glad to not be stuck in his room for Movie night Fridays anymore. John was a bit more free-spirited than Thomas was, so they both planned on getting hammered that night.

It wasn’t until he got to class that he remembered he and Thomas were in the same ones on Fridays. He sat down at the front of the lecture hall, as far away from their usual spot as he could manage. He didn’t look up once for fear of catching Thomas’s eye, but was relieved to find that the spot beside him had been filled so that he wouldn’t have to—

“Hamilton.”

Alexander froze. He didn’t recognize the voice of the person sitting beside him, but he didn’t sound happy.

Looking up, he instantly recognized the guy as Thomas’s friend.

“Hey,” Alexander began slowly. “You’re James, right?”

James nodded without breaking eye contact.

“Listen,” he said. “You really hurt Thomas. I mean, shit. I’ve never seen him like this. He wouldn’t even come to class today. You need to at least talk to him. I don’t want to start anything—really, I don’t—but he didn’t do anything wrong. Who knows, maybe you guys can work it out, right? I mean, it was just one kiss.”

Alexander bit his lip, a wave of guilt overtaking him.

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “It was just one kiss.”

As the day went on, Alexander pushed the conversation with James out of his head. He was going out with his friends that night and was determined to enjoy it. He could worry about Thomas on Saturday.

Alexander’s professor dismissed his last class of the day five minutes early and it took all of his willpower to not sprint back to his room to get ready to go out. It had been the longest and most dramatic week of his life and all he wanted to do was get drunk, make out with John, and forget about all of the problems he hadn’t yet dealt with.

Dropping his backpack unceremoniously to the floor, he pulled his hair out of the bun it was in and shook his head to loosen it. He was in the middle of changing from his sweats to jeans when John barged in the door, followed by Lafayette and Hercules.

John bit his lip, smirking at Alexander’s boxers. “Okay,” he murmured. “Y’all are gonna have to leave before I tear those off him.”

“You’re nasty,” Hercules sighed, padding across the floor to his room, Lafayette in tow.

“Oui. Whatever you do, hurry the fuck up, because I wanna go get my drink on!”

As they left, Alexander could hear Hercules grumble something about how only middle-aged wine moms say, “get my drink on,” and Lafayette cursing out John for teaching him that phrase.

They sat on Hercules’s bed and tried to drown out the sound of their best friends fucking in the middle of the afternoon by watching Netflix at full volume. It was working, quite successfully, until they heard a particularly loud moan from through the walls.

“That was John,” Lafayette mumbled.

“No way,” Hercules replied. “It was definitely Alex.”  

They were interrupted by a particularly violent yelp, after which Laf yelled, “WE GET IT. YOU’RE HAVING SEX. SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

Hercules cracked up and held out his hand for Laf to shake. “Ten bucks says both of those were Alex.”

“You’re on.”

Ten more minutes passed before the godawful sex noises subsided and John and Alexander burst into Hercules’s room looking dishevelled. Alexander was buttoning his plaid shirt, chest rising and falling rapidly, and John was tying his wild mane of hair back.

“You should leave it down,” Alexander said. “It looks hot.”

Lafayette suppressed a snicker into his palm—the only reason Alexander thought that was because it was John’s sex hair. Laf had seen it countless mornings after John had kicked his catch of the day out of his bed. And it wasn’t hot. 

“So whose moans were those at the end there?” Hercules asked, trying not to laugh. John instantly broke into hysterics and Alexander turned bright red. “Told you.”

“Merde,” Lafayette muttered, passing Hercules a ten dollar bill.

“This is why we use your room,” Alexander said to John. “Are you guys ready to go?”

John shrugged and tangled his fingers in Alexander’s. Herc and Laf followed them out the door and they headed downtown to a house party that they’d heard about. They huddled together for warmth as they walked, Alexander and John in the middle of the pack.

“Watch this,” John whispered to Alex, cocking his head at his roommate as they strolled down the sidewalk. “Hey, Laf.”

“Yes?”

“I think you’ve got a bit of up-dog on your shoulder, there.”

“What—what’s up-dog?”

Everyone started cracking up, except poor Lafayette who looked between the three of them, confused as hell. When Laf made eye contact with John, John physically stopped walking and doubled over to catch his breath because of how hard he was laughing.

“Oh my god, Laf,” he wheezed between fits of laughter. “I love you so much. You’re so pure.”

John wiped tears of laughter from his eyes and took Alexander’s outstretched hand.

“I still don’t understand,” Laf mumbled, forcing another fit of laughter from his friends.

Unlike usual, once they got to the party the four of them stuck together. It had been so long since they’d all been out at the same time that they were all acting clingy.

John and Alexander were practically wrapped around each other, and had been for the entire night. Every time John pulled away to get another drink or talk to a friend, Alexander would pull him back into his arms as soon as was humanly possible and kiss him like he hadn’t seen him in months.

“Stopppp,” Lafayette slurred, wine drunk.

“Why, Sugar?” John asked, his southern drawl exaggerated in his drunken state. “You jealous?”

John leaned over and kissed Lafayette sloppily on the cheek, which he wiped off hastily and went to go and find Hercules.

“His loss,” Alexander muttered to John, who smiled and kissed him deeply.

They migrated to the centre of the living room and began dancing together.  Alexander made eye contact with John and he broke into a grin. Getting drunk had worked—John was the only thing on his mind and he was absolutely bursting with happiness.

John locked his fingers behind Alexander’s neck as they turned in slow-paced circles which directly opposed the upbeat club music that was playing, but he didn’t care. Part of him felt crazy for being this happy about the cheesy slow dance with his best friend but another, larger part felt ecstatic. He was filled-to-the-brim, overflowing, almost sickeningly happy. Beaming, he leaned in and kissed Alex on the cheek.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Alexander pulled back, confused. “For what?”

John shrugged. “I dunno. Just…thank you.”

Alexander grinned, but it almost immediately faltered and turned into a look of shock.

“What?” John asked, surprised.

Alexander dropped his contact with John and turned around to face out the window.

“Nothing. Just—there we go—no…it’s nothing.”

John raised an eyebrow as Alexander shook his hair forward to cover his face. Why was he acting so weird all of a sudden?

“Lex,” John pressed. “What is it?”

Alexander simply shook his head, lips pressed tightly together. John furrowed his brow as Hercules came rushing over, Maria in tow. She seemed to be his regular party hookup, but they were all surprised it hadn’t yet become more.

“Alex,” he said quickly. “Did you see—”

Alexander shook his head warningly, but his eyes gave him away as they flashed in the direction of the mood change. John turned around and saw the back of someone who could only be Thomas Jefferson.

“It’s fine,” Alexander said quickly.

“Are you—oh, hi, Maria—are you going to talk to him?” Laf asked as he joined the discussion circle.

Alexander shrugged and glanced at John. He hadn’t told him what James said in class earlier that day about it only being one kiss and about Alexander and Thomas working it out. He knew this probably wouldn’t end well, but—hey—there was going to be a confrontation at some point and what better time than with a bit of liquid confidence in his system, right?

“Thomas,” Alexander said as he walked purposefully towards his ex, who towered over him.

“Oh, Alexander.”

“Listen,” Alexander began. “I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I’m really sorry for the way things ended earlier. I never wanted to hurt you.”
 To his intense surprise, Thomas smiled a bit.

“You know what,” he replied. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot and it’s okay. I mean, it was just a kiss, right? I kind of overreacted. I mean, I’m over it.”

John watched the two converse from afar, unable to hear what they were saying. He noticed that Lafayette held a hand on his shoulder while they watched Thomas laugh at whatever Alexander was saying.

Then, without so much as a warning, Thomas bent down and slowly and tenderly kissed Alexander’s cheek. John’s jaw dropped and Lafayette’s grip on his shoulder tightened as he subconsciously began to walk towards the scene. Why was Thomas kissing Alexander if he knew he was with John?

There was only one explanation that made sense in John’s head: Thomas didn’t know.

“Oh, hell no,” John muttered as Hercules assisted Lafayette by placing a hand on John’s other shoulder.

They watched as Thomas ended the kiss, shifting back to look at Alexander. And the longer he looked, the worse things seemed to get. Then John remembered: the hickeys on Alexander’s jaw. Thomas’s face twisted from a contented expression to one of pain to one of intense anger. John, Lafayette, and Hercules watched as Thomas gestured angrily to Alexander’s jawline then to John. As his voice rose, they could make out snippets of what he was saying.

“Goddammit, do you know how fucking embarrassing this is for me?…You’re a fucking asshole…We haven’t even been apart for a week…whore…fucking John? Already?…fuck off…”

They watched as Thomas’s friend James flew to his side, apologizing profusely for something. He was also berating Alexander, who stood by expressionless.

“Fuck, guys, let me go!” John said, breaking free of his friends’ grasp and rushing to Alexander’s side just in case. Things were heating up pretty fast and he wasn’t exactly sure how Alex would hold up in a fight.

“Oh, and here comes the dirty little mistress now,” Thomas spat, gesturing towards John. “Do you have any shame whatsoever, or are you just that thirsty?”

“Thomas, leave John the fuck out of this,” Alexander muttered defensively.

“It’s fine, Lex,” John said without taking his eyes off of Thomas. “He’s drunk as hell.”

“Fuck you,” Thomas said to no one in particular.

“Come on, Thomas,” James said quietly, tugging on his jacket. “Let’s just go.”

Thomas jerked away from his friend and continued to glare at Alexander and John, eyes filled with anger.

Before John could turn and pull Alexander away from the confrontation, Alexander stepped forward and looked up so he was as close to Thomas’s face as he could get.

“In case you forgot,” Alexander growled. “You dumped me. I didn’t ask for that, Thomas. I told you the truth because I made a mistake and I didn’t want you to find out another way. You made the choice to end it. Not me.”

And then everything happened at once. Thomas’s fist was in the air and he punched Alexander square in the jaw—right where John’s hickeys were—and Alexander fell past John onto the ground gasping in pain and John cried out as Hercules and Lafayette sprinted across the room, kneeling to the ground at his side.

Alexander’s eyes fluttered as he saw stars, dizzy with what was surely the most intense pain he’d ever felt. He vaguely noticed that he was falling as the room silenced around him. He heard Thomas, as if through a tunnel, say, “Add that to your little collection of bruises,” before he walked away. He registered that he was on the floor when Lafayette and Hercules surrounded him, closely followed by John and the rest of the people in the house. His vision went spotty as he felt Lafayette gently lift his head and place it in his lap. He heard someone say, “He needs an ambulance,” and John say, “Oh my god, Alex,” and Hercules say, “He’s going to pass out,” before everything around him went black and the pain subsided.

[briarthedragon]

yes to ask all 70 questions do i send 70 asks or can i just say all 70 questions? 1-70? :3c plz

omg yea thanks >.

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?Kinda? I love my parents and they love me, for sure. But they don’t really support my identity - they’re rly homophobic and transphobic to the point that I can’t come out as genderqueer safely. So kinda? Eh?

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?Either my Zukes or my bestie Skye. I say “I love you” to p much all my friends every day so it’s hard to keep track, but I last talked to them xD

03: Do you regret anything?Oh yeah, I regret tons of things. I regret attending the university I went to, I regret not seeking help with my mental health issues earlier, I regret time wasted, I regret investing in toxic friendships. 

04: Are you insecure?Yeah, definitely. I doubt myself a lot, I fear that I’m annoying or bothering or hurting my friends, and I don’t really feel like I”m enough.

05: What is your relationship status?I’m in a QPR with my two wonderful zukes, @twixtandscream and @flowersalesman ! 

06: How do you want to die?Idk. I want to die after improving the world a little bit, that’s all I know. 07: What did you last eat?A bowl of cereal lol08: Played any sports?I played basketball as a kid, I ran cross country in middle school, and I did marching band in high school. 09: Do you bite your nails?Constantly. I accidentally gnawed down to one of my nail beds last night rip 10: When was your last physical fight?shit uhhhh idk? I come close to physical confrontation a lot but I don’t think I have been in a fight recently? 11: Do you like someone?I like a lot of people! lol. but romantically? yea i have,,,, some crushes................ im very gay it’s a problem 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?Yyyyyep. I pulled a couple all-nighters at uni. One to finish a project for an art class, and the others to make sure my roommate was safe when she stayed up 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?Yeah, I hate a lot of people. No one I know personally, but I hate a lot of nazis and also Donald Trump14: Do you miss someone?Yeah. Wish I didn’t, but it’s hard to get over things sometimes. 15: Have any pets?My family has a wonderful dog named Tumnus! He’s a gorgeous silken windhound. I also have an outdoor cat named Tib. 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?Pretty sick, and not too great, but I’m gonna try to make today good anyway 17: Ever made out in the bathroom?nah that’s nasty. so many germs,,, no one washes their hands. people shit in there 18: Are you scared of spiders?eh? i don’t like bugs and they make me feel creepy crawly stuff all over but I’ve been designated spider squisher at my apartments and stuff. and i like tarantulas 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?eh, enough to fix mistakes i’ve made? totally. but way back in time? absolutely not. i dont need smallpox thx20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?uhh a few weeks ago? 21: What are your plans for this weekend?I’m meeting up with one of my zukes! :D 22: Do you want to have kids? How many?nnnnnnope. i’d be a terrible parent and also i just don’t wanna 23: Do you have piercings? How many?yea i have one set of ear piercings. i wanna get more ear piercings tho and maybe a nose piercing. idk 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?science, language, art, music25: Do you miss anyone from your past?yep. wish i didn’t. they don’t deserve it. 26: What are you craving right now?snugs 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?not that i know of? 28: Have you ever been cheated on?nah i haven’t been in a romantic or sexual relationship so 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?i’ll apply this to my zukes and idk? have i? i mean maybe with headcanons or fics or something idk 30: What’s irritating you right now?my nose is all gunked up and there’s road work outside my house going constantly 31: Does somebody love you?i hope so 32: What is your favourite color?i like a lot of colors but i usually say pink and blue 33: Do you have trust issues?kinda? i trust my friends but i worry that they try to spare my feelings (these fears were Confirmed for some ppl who used to be very close friends so it’s,, bad.) 34: Who/what was your last dream about?uhhhh i don’t remember dreams that much but i def remember there was gay shit 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?i cry a lot, it’s hard to say. 36: Do you give out second chances too easily?sometimes 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?easier to forgive. i’ll forgive a lot but i don’t forget and i don’t always trust again 38: Is this year the best year of your life?idk. the first half was rly shitty 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?20. it was only a few weeks ago tbh 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?nah 51: Favourite food?idk tbh. i like a lot of foods 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?yea, kinda? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?messaged my zukes goodnight 54: Is cheating ever okay?never. 55: Are you mean?when it’s deserved ;356: How many people have you fist fought?i punched a friend once jokingly, and i regret it and feel so bad even years later lmao. my next fist fight will probably be with a nazi or somethin 57: Do you believe in true love?yea, but not exactly in the traditional sense 58: Favourite weather?chilly cloudy days, rain, thunderstorms, snow 59: Do you like the snow?yea!! 60: Do you wanna get married?idk.61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?no 62: What makes you happy?my friends, my fandoms, comedy, animals, nature, magic, art, the smell of books and holidays, making things, good food63: Would you change your name?i mean. i kinda have. legally? idk yet 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?nah dude i’d totally kiss her again if she wanted ;) 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?uhhh i don’t rly look at ppl in terms of sex? but gender? ehhhhh i don’t rly have an opposite gender so it’s hard to say. sorry im too special snowflake sjw uwu 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?i’ll just go with “different gender” for this and yes 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?i’ll go with “different gender” again and say my mom, i was talking to her about work 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?either Skye or my zukes again lol. most recent convo 69: Do you believe in soulmates?i believe in people you can spend forever with 70: Is there anyone you would die for? absolutely, but dying for people is easy. i’m trying my best to live for them until i have to 

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 9 - “im running on borrowed time”- Franco

Michele

I would love to see a full list of who everyone voted for. Its VERY fishy and a complete blindside. Makes me feel worse about disadvantage next round

lenny

Right when cranjes becomes my ally, they get kicked off. lol. what is happening in this tribe rn? I want to get to the bottom of it.

michele

ive never felt more alone in this game. people clearly lied to me.

lenny

according to dusty, Franco and Eliza flipped for the split vote. yuck! what to do now? I don't know. I think if I have any chance of getting Eliza or Michele out, I have to make a new alliance. 

lenny

Dusty just said that her franco rain and worm were the ones to flip and that makes me very anxious and I don't know if I can trust rain fully :/ that makes me sad. I really hope I can. 

lenny

so michele and I are talking which is v heartwarming. I apologized for being cold towards her. I hope we can work together. 

Dusty

Well that was messed up LMAO That’s the second time Eliza has flipped on me and taken out my closest ally...anyway I will not be working with her anymore. But I’m gonna make her believe it. And thank you to my amazing acting skills she gave me her half of the super idol..........ma’am. I’m so sorry. She expects me to give it back to her after this round but Idk if I can do that if she isn’t in the game anymore! She also told me that it was her and Franco that flipped with rain and worm. So now I’m trying to work with Lenny and Michele who seem to be on board, and it seems like I’ll also have to working with frank and Sasha. And with this blind round there’s a fear of voting for someone that won immunity buuut at least I have a 10% advantage to help me out :) Wish me luck!

michele

kinda blew up a little so gonna lay low for strategy. i also sometimes take things too personally which is why i only do like 1 org a year so that last tribal got to me a lot. franco messaged me saying he doesnt trust me and even tho his instincts are completely correct idk it just feels weird. i think i just hate general confrontation 

Frank

So I’m shocked Cranjes left but I’m quite happy about it. He was leading a lot of things so to have him go is wonderful. After tribal, Michele approached me about getting out Eliza or Franco, so we stan that. Once one of them is gone though the other needs to be taken out as well since they’re both strong and we don’t need one of the having a story of, oh my partner got out but I still made it through so much. After that get rid of Dusty and then Lenny at some point bc who. I’m fairly quiet but Lenny is practically a ghost. Right now the only person I actually trust though is Sasha, which is not something I thought I would say but here we are.

Franco

Blind rounds are so SCARY. Mainly the part about no one knowing who wins immunity. Like, we got out 2 idols last round by blindsiding Cranjes and flushing Frank's, but theres still more out there. And no one is going to know how tribal is going to play out Michele was kinda pissed at us for leaving her out of the vote. But? Sis left us out of her alliance with og Plati, and didnt give us ANY information last round despite knowing I was a target. Eliza is also.... Kinda not smart. She gave her half of the idol to Dusty because she wanted to reconcile. Which is nice and all! But thats a direct chance for him to get back at us and take a shot at us. Keeping the idol separate was best for everyone. So I just gotta pray Eliza knows Dusty as well as she says she does!! I dont expect to win this challenge. Im gonna chat around, but I think Im going to have to play my idol this round to save my skin. My name has been thrown around 2 rounds in a row, im running on borrowed time. We'll see how today goes!

Frank

So Franco messaged me about if I’m gonna vote him this round and that he doesn’t understand why I’m going after him. So I did the kind thing and explained it and said that I don’t want to work with him because he’s working with everyone and that I don’t see that as being beneficial to my game. So Franco is my target again and michele messaged me last night to get rid of him so we stan. I’m probably gonna get votes but who could be shocked by that.

Franco

surprise!! my name is going around AGAIN!! i'm so. not shocked. Frank has it out for my for some reason?? I confronted him this morning, let him know his """allies""" are throwing him under the bus and offered to exchange information or work together in some capacity but he literally turned it down. first rule of survivor is never shut down lines of communication like that!! he is denying any chance of game relationship we could have and thats such bad gameplay. I bombed the challenge because I'm dumb. And now that I know my name is circulating I'm going to have to play my idol. I just have to hope that whatever happens is good for my game. It's so hard to orchestrate votes during an invisible round, everyone is playing strictly for themselves because there's no reason not to. I really really finally want Frank gone. This is the THIRD ROUND in a row I've said that. but seriously I'm over him. he's gotta GO.

Eliza

Dear diary... Literally can’t believe we pulled that blindside off! I had to do some damage control with dusty and because I know what kind of player he is I gave him my half of the super idol. I told him I’d give it to him for this round to prove that the cranjes vote had nothing to do with him and that he is still someone I want to work with. He seemed shocked but obviously took the security and I think I have at least some of his trust back, I mean this IS the second time I blindsided him and voted out his closest ally. Now I know you’re probably thinking, ellie you’re a dumbass, and that I am but I know how dusty works at this point in the game and it’s gonna take a bold move like that one to get ANY of his trust back. Franco didn’t think it was the best move but I can’t just play according to Franco’s standards. The invisible round is absolutely terrifying, everyone agrees that it’s frank but we all know that he could 100% win this challenge. Obviously everyone with a brain wants to split but some of these people won’t wanna split again after they got out smarted, Franco might be playing his idol because we all know frank wants him out but frank has also said I need to go and I have absolutely no security rn so yeah, I’m fucking scared. Let’s see what happens!

Rain

So... I haven’t been around much today. I abstained from immunity. My depression is kicking in and even tho I’m doing well in the game, I can’t be bothered to get into it, as much as I want to. So I’ll ride Franco and Eliza’s coattails until either I pull out of this funk or I get voted out. The move tonight is to try to get frank. Except he’s kinda good at challenges (although, tbh, hasn’t been that great since returning - maybe the idol was holding him back?) so we think he may get immunity. I think voting Sasha would be better - like come on, I don’t even think he’s trying (is that hypocritical to say?) and he only talks to his allies. The other side (oh is it just dusty, Sasha, and frank now? Fuckin sweet) doesn’t even attempt to socialize with me. Dusty to some extent, but talking to Sasha and frank is like talking to a fucking wall. I’ll be happy if either of them go. But tbh at this point I’m ready to join the jury. I’m going to keep playing and keep trying because that’s what jay and the people I’ve voted out deserve to see, but whenever I go home, I know I played a good game for my first game in over a year. 

lenny

not feeling confident about this challenge or good in general. Rain is most likely working with franco and eliza. I hope I can trust dusty. oof

Worm

So last round seemed to have back fired. I think I have alienated myself even more but I'm not sure if saying people not talking to me is showing that. They weren't talking to me before anyway so I guess nothing really changed then lol They goal this round is to target Frank which is okay with me cause I think people will start going after bigger targets next round like Eliza and Franco. Michele seems really mad at me which i can't fault her for so my goal if I survive this round is to talk to her and get her back on my side. Maybe reuniting the alliance of dusty, her, and I could make a huge impact. This challenge is really difficult so I don't think I had any chance of winning. I kinda hope I do for just in case reasons. If I being told the truth and everyone is targeting Frank then it should happen pretty easily. His idol got flushed last round so it should be simple to get rid of him. But until those votes are read I do believe that I will be the one going home.

Frank

Watch Franco have an idol and I go home. That would be funny, tbh I guess it just would be. But oh boy I am gonna get myself a nice snack if Franco goes...although let's be real I'm gonna have a nice snack no matter what. But I just want to stay and have Franco or Eliza leave since that would benefit my game to an extreme since they KEEP TRYING TO VOTE ME OUT. Or at least saying my name which is enough for me. Like if you say my name, get out!

rain

Tribal is in a few minutes, and I’ve just had an emotional chat with Franco He is truly an incredible ally and I really look forward to being in the reunion w him and finding out who he is irl (although I have a guess) Anyway, I just wanted to give him some positive edit, because I’m sure he’s very N as the villain of the game :P 

Dusty

This is crazy idek if I won immunity or what’s happening I changed my vote like 3 times LMAO i voted for Eliza I don’t know what’s happening i think I’m freaking out for no reason. My only fear is michele being very quiet. 

michele

being quiet worked i guess. wasnt really a game move but i didnt get voted out so yay

Sasha

I really just gave up on trying to have my own strategy/game and just voted how people told me to huh

Eliza

Dear diary... It was a tie between me and frank, this might be the last time I write in confessions but hopefully I was able to make some sort of impact in the game. Wow this sucks

Dusty

jflkdsaiof okay a tie well michele being quiet all day meant that she didnt get the chance to know the vote was for eliza... which just made me think someone decided to not flip against eliza/franco so in the revote i reached out to worm and rain to try and get them to flip which they both denied. ugh im so stupid, they would know regardless that i flipped, but now it seems like i was soooo adamant about her going... oh well. Franco is going to be pissed anyway

[keenlovernacho-blog]

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Identical below. Commenced all around 13/14yrs aged smoking hash about a mates house when his rents were being out. Now to The purpose wherever I’m in a very flat residing alone at 32 and not with my girlfriend. I messed up two previous romance more than not committing to it more than enough and I suppose residing daily life inside of my very own head. Had a connection where she was fine with smoking it as well as had a tad her self to now aquiring a romantic relationship in which she hates weed and it has begun hating me for it much too. I am able to’t blame here as I seem to be all discuss and no prof, arrived to the point where I thought I wasn’t happy coz she could well be stopping me smoking or at worse I will be lying to her to even now keep my means of dwelling/wondering likely how I wanted, this finished with me ending things along with her since u thought if I didn’t have her least I would've my own flat and Room to smoke and do wot I want. For some time iv been telling my self to stop smoking it not less than not as much as I do. Very well this wound up with me sat in by myself smoking and wondering more about her. Their comes a point in everyday life the place u want to do this however it’s the fear of committing to it. This created me realise which i had all the things with my ex And that i chucked it absent more than contemplating more about wen I’m upcoming smoking than pondering her. So iv produced matters get the job done concerning us in The key reason why that I will change the gap weed thing. My issue is I’m a skateboard and like most of us, every one of us smoke. Iv been an beginner skater for year and know the type of circles u wind up in but how am i able to even now contain the appreciate and keenness for skating still like every one of the posts say, is endeavor to not place ur self in the those positions, perfectly their all my closest good friends. And would modify them for the entire world still all of them smoke. This has now manufactured me Imagine I'm able to try this and at finest check out to generate someone else do a similar. However it’s hard and I haven’t even commenced nevertheless. Haven’t thrown just about anything away nevertheless. Haven’t smoked the last of my weed, haven’t stopped viewing my buddies. But I think the another thing I've is usually that providing up an habit is never likely to be straightforward. Yet we all detail we could do it. I feel the way for me to do this is ensuring ur legitimate to ur self ahead of u may even say u can quit. I feel the outlet flushing it down the rest room and getting rid of all skins, grinders and something that’s appears like I may make a joint outside of it.

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