#so for now I'm just going to treat it like it is bpd since it's at the very least extremely similar to it

[weareuniqueandimportant]

THIS IS FIRE... THE ANIMETHEMES REDDIT ADDED IN SAIGO NO KYOJIN MAKING THE YOUTUBE VERSION UNNECESSARRY... TOO BAD THE FULL SCREEN DOESN'T WORK ON TV... IN THE END HOWEVER THERE'S OTHER THINGS TO DO THAN THAT... BTW WE MADE A HUGE POST A GIGANTIC POST THAT WAS GLITCHED BEFORE...

IDK... THAT WAS JUST A BUNCH OF RANDOM THINGS WITH MEANING AND CONNECTION...

I DON'T WANT TO REPEAT THEM...

SO I WON'T... THAT COULD NEVER COMPARE EITHER WAY...

BTW I HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL BAD ONLY A BIGOT WOULD CRY ABOUT THIS...

SHE HURT US...

WE HAVE NO REASON TO... AT SOMEONE SO EVIL... THAT IS ONLY AN IGNORANT BIGOT ABUSER... THIS IS WHY EVERYTHING HAPPENED... WHY WOULD I FEEL FOR... SOMEONE THAT BLOCKED US AND WILL NEVER CARE ABOUT US...? SOMEONE WHO NEVER WAS GOING TO OUT OF BIGOTED IDEOLOGY...? THAT ONLY HURT AND TRAUMATIZED US AN ABUSER...?!

😮‍💨...

FINE...

YOU'RE STUPID. I HATE YOU. YOU HURT US. I HATE YOU SO MUCH BIGOT... YOU COULD'VE BEEN DIFFERENT 😭😭😭😭!!!! THERE WAS SOMETHING FAMILIAR ABOUT YOU 😭😭😭😭😭😭!!!!!! YOU COULD'VE BEEN DIFFERENT BUT YOU HURT US 😭😭😭!!! YOU'RE AN ABUSER BIGOT 😭😭😭!!! SHOULD'VE DATED US INSTEAD OF THOSE LOSER GIRLFRIENDS WE COULD'VE FIXED YOU LOL BECAUSE TO DATE US YOU WOULD'VE ALREADY BEEN FIXED THEREFORE YOU WOULD BE THE PERSON THAT WILL SAVE US... INSTEAD... YOU'RE NOTHING BUT AN EVIL... TRANSPHOBIC ABUSER BIGOT... SO CRUEL!! SO HORRIBLE!! WE'RE SO HURT AND ABUSED!!!!!! WHY CAN'T ANYONE CARE ABOUT US 😭😭😭!!!

HOWEVER... PERHAPS THINGS COULD'VE BEEN DIFFERENT... IN A WORLD WHERE YOU WEREN'T SO EVIL SO BRAINWASHED... I FEEL BAD FOR YOU FOR THIS REASON... YOU KNOW THAT IS BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER WAY DON'T YOU...?

SOMEONE HAS TO SAVE US... NOBODY DOES... ALL WE SEE ARE LIARS NOTHING ELSE LIARS THAT DON'T CARE ABOUT US...

WE'RE BEING VERY NICE AND HEROIC... ADMIRABLE AND AMAZING... CHARISMATIC AMAZING FEMINIST ADMIRABLE NARCISSIST...

BTW WE ARE ABOVE YOU YOU THAT IS LIKE ALL THOSE LOSERS THAT ABUSED US...

WE KNEW SOMEONE SHE WAS LIKE A MOTHER TO US I LOVE HER WHY DID SHE LEAVE US 😔... I DON'T REALLY KNOW ANYONE PRETTY LIKE THAT... THEY ALL LEFT US THEY'RE JERKS... I CAN RELATE TO THEM BOTH HOWEVER... ISN'T THAT RIGHT...? YES. YES!! THAT'S RIGHT... WE... ARE... EVERYTHING...

HELLO MOMMY... I REALLY LIKED YOU 😔... HOW COULD YOU HURT US... I MISSED YOU... I WAS SO SAD WHEN I LOST YOU...

HELLO BEATIFULL... THAT WAS AMAZING... TBH... THE WAY YOU LOOK VERY INTERESTING... I WAS VERY CURIOUS...

YOU'RE RIGHT... SOMEONE WILL SAVE US... THEY WILL COME FOR US... THAT'S RIGHT... EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS ABOUT US... THAT WAS... A COUPLE INTERESTING QUALITIES HOWEVER... WASTED... UNFORTUNATELY... HOW UNFORTUNATE... ISN'T THAT...? DON'T YOU WISH THOSE QUALITIES WERE FOR SOMETHING BETTER...? ALSO HOW UNCOMFORTABLE WAS THAT SPEECH... SOMETHING ABOUT THAT... EVERY SINGLE TIME...

YES... I'M SORRY CAPITALISM MADE EVERYTHING GO THIS WAY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭!!!!!!!! THIS IS A VERY REAL APOLOGY AND I FEEL SO BAD 😭😭😭😭!!!!!!!! YES I DO... I FEEL SO BAD BECAUSE... IDK... I WISH TO CONTROL EVERY SINGLE PERSON I LIKE YES I DO... AND I FEEL BAD THINGS WENT THIS WAY INSTEAD... I'M SURE SOMEONE... SOMEDAY... WILL ACKNOWLEDGE OUR FEELINGS... HOW ADMIRABLE THAT IS TO SHOW THEM... OTHER WASTE THEY'RE NOTHING BUT FAKE BUT US WE'RE ALWAYS HONEST ANY SITUATION... ISN'T THAT RIGHT <3...? Yes That Is!! Yes!! YESS... I AM... RIGHT... ALWAYS... AMAZING AND TRUE... BETTER THAN THAT ABUSER BETTER THAN THIS ABUSER TO BE... GASSLIGHT US... YOU'RE AN ABUSER. ONLY AN ABUSER WOULD GASSLIGHT US. JUST LIKE THAT MACHINE. EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS HER FAULT BESIDES THAT IS THEM THAT HURT US... I COULD NEVER... WE WERE ABUSED HURT AND TRAUMATIZED WE'RE VICTIM... ALWAYS... NOTHING ELSE EVER... OPPOSE THIS YOU'RE AN ABUSER BIGOT... HOWEVER... THEY WANT US... DON'T THEY...? THEY HATE US... JUST... THAT MUCH... AHAHA... WELL THEN... HATE... IS JUST ANOTHER FORM OF LOVE ISN'T THAT <3...? YESS... PERHAPS THIS... IS OUR CONTROL... INFACT... SHE USED THIS STRATEGY BEFORE UNTIL WE SHOWED HER OUR FANGS THIS IS INDEED WHAT HAPPENED... SHE LIES AND LIES BUT SHE'S A NARCISSIST TOO I KNOW THIS... SHE'S ONLY IGNORANT ABOUT THAT AND MORE IMPORTANTLY AN ABUSER BIGOT THAT AND HATES OTHER NARCISSIST... "I LOVE AUTISM!!" "HELLO I HAVE AUTISM AND NARCISSISM!!" *GETS KICKED OFF A, CLIFF* THIS WAY AND THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT HAPPENED CRAZY RIGHT...? I KNOW SO... I ALWAYS KNOW... I AM JUST THAT AWESOME...

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

The absolute pain of knowing I will never be the first person my fp thinks of. I will never be as close to them as they are with other people. They will never love me as much as I love them

[rotisserory]

Reo Mikage is Actually Great BPD Representation- Some Thoughts

So I had the extremely unfortunate experience of being exposed to Blue Lock (unfortunate because it's all my tiny pea brain can think about now), and while it is absolutely full of silly guys whose brains I want to pick, this little bugger really stood out to me. The second he came onto the screen, I KNEW I smelled the borderline on him. As I watched the series and read the manga, I noticed he is actually an incredibly well-written depiction of someone struggling with BPD. Reo is a super layered character and my favorite hobby is picking apart those layers and yapping incessantly about them, so here we are. I want to write this analysis for a few reasons:

1.) Too many people misunderstand Reo and categorize him as dramatic or childish without any elaboration and he deserves a proper character deep-dive. I think him being borderline explains a LOT of his reactions/choices throughout the story.

2.) Borderline representation is extremely important to me. I'm diagnosed borderline and have struggled with this disorder for around ten years now, so I get really excited when I spy BPD-coded characters (especially if they're likable people and not just ghoulish irredeemable villains or manic pixie dream girl characters). This disorder can be so isolating, especially when the majority of people will never even bother to research or understand it. I know that some people like to chalk Reo's emotional reactions up to him being a moody 17-year-old, but I think I have enough evidence to prove that this is undiagnosed BPD that's festering in his noggin. Not to mention, literally nobody else acts like this in the series. Reo is incredibly unique and distinct in the way he behaves through this narrative and I think it's way past the point of normal teenage angst. Regardless, believe what you want. He'll always be my borderline princess tho <3

3.) I have a master's degree in English and what good is that if I don't write long, painful, pointless essays on anime guys? Not that this is exceptionally well written, I just like to laugh at myself for getting a whole M.A and then this is the shit I publish online lmao

By the end of this, I hope I can shed some light on wtf is going on inside of Reo's silly little head. (I'm also obviously not a psychologist, don't use any of this to diagnose yourself pls I don't need the scandal)

If you want to read, buckle up, because this is gonna be a long one!

First, let me define BPD- It's a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image. At its core, it is a disorder categorized by emotional dysregulation (the inability to regulate one's emotional responses) People with BPD feel everything EXTREMELY hard. That's important to keep in mind IMO, because while their reactions may seem dramatic or extreme, what they're feeling IS dramatic and extreme. Everything they're feeling is amplified, so their reactions are amplified. Obviously from the outside, people assume it's an overreaction since they can't see what's going on inside the borderline's head. When you sit down and dissect the thought process of someone like Reo, it becomes a lot easier to understand why they react the way that they do to certain situations.

(Also, I'm not going to reiterate more than once that an explanation is not an excuse to treat people poorly. I cannot read ANYTHING on BPD without hearing every 2 minutes how the disorder isn't an excuse to hurt other people. We get it!! I'm explaining it, not excusing it. This enter essay is an analysis of why someone acts the way they do, not whether or not it's excusable)

So then, what behaviors/signs does somebody need to exhibit to receive a borderline diagnosis? The 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment

2. Unstable or changing relationships

3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors

5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury

6. Varied or random mood swings

7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Someone would only need 5 of these to receive a proper diagnosis. Just with the main story and the spin-off manga that is currently released, I think I have enough evidence to argue that Reo has 8 out of 9 criteria for a BPD diagnosis. For the sake of organization, I’m gonna group some of those together though, indicated by a + symbol. I also want to define a few important terms before I start yapping, so that y'all without BPD can understand wtf I'm even talking about.

Favorite Person (fp) - This is someone who holds massive significance in a borderline's life. They emotionally depend on this person a lot and to a certain extent, their worldview almost revolves around them.

Splitting- the change in perception of someone or something caused by black-or-white thinking or dichotomous thinking. It is the devaluation of someone who was once idealized and vice versa.

Mirroring (aka: the chameleon effect)- the constant, unconscious change in one's identity or sense of self by imitating another person’s behaviors, characteristics, or traits. It is common in people who have a vacant or distorted self-image which is a general symptom of BPD.

Now, time for me to break down the most prominent moments where Reo showcases borderline behavior. As I mentioned, I'm going to try and organize this under each criteria point (with some being grouped together)

Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self:

Before I delve into Reo's relationships, I want to start with his baseline sense of identity. It’s established early on that Reo is a very bored, empty, unsatisfied person. Nothing excites him, nothing motivates him, and everything is handed to him. He’s frustrated because his parents notoriously try and buy his affection even though he doesn't want anything. For most of his life up until the narrative starts, he's wandering through life empty and frustrated. That is, until he finally sets his sights on soccer and decides to dedicate his life to winning the World Cup:

The wording, 'proves my existence' is interesting here. I think this is the first instance Reo has felt alive. So far, the only notable thing about him has been his family and his money. He hasn't achieved anything exceptional for himself, but now he has that opportunity. With this goal, he can really build something up from nothing and make it his own. It's almost like he's clinging to this dream to prove that he has some purpose in his life other than being the family heir.

Now, this dream changes when he meets Nagi, of course. I'm not gonna focus too much on their relationship in this section, but I will mention that meeting Nagi shifted Reo's entire dream, and not for the better. Through the narrative, his dream went from:

Winning the World Cup

Winning the World Cup with Nagi

Proving to Nagi that leaving him behind was a mistake

Improving himself and becoming a good striker on his own

Being a tool for Nagi to become the best striker

Had Nagi not come in and ask for Reo to come back to him, I think Reo could have done a great job at establishing his own sense of identity without Nagi. But no matter how much he works on himself, with Nagi in the picture, he's never going to value himself more than Nagi. Reo lets Nagi cloud his identity to the point where Isagi calls him out and asks what he's even doing at Blue Lock in the first place, since he clearly can't survive on his own, he needs Nagi with him.

After dealing with the turmoil of being abandoned by Nagi, Reo goes through a few stages. He starts with wanting to become somebody worthy of being beside Nagi, somebody that Nagi would want to choose. Devoting himself to becoming stronger and more versatile, his end goal is to have Nagi realize he made a mistake by leaving him behind. After a few more matches, Reo starts to realize that he needs to grow and change and become a stronger, better version of himself for himself and not for other people.

He decides that the fight was all his fault to begin with, that he should have never forced Nagi to play soccer and now he is going to get back to what his dream was originally, combined with his new desire to be a stand-alone player (and person, for that matter). Reo accepts the mistakes that he made, admits that he shouldn't have forced his ideals onto Nagi, and resolves to become a better person for HIMSELF. That's excellent!

Of course, Reo can't be happy for TOO long. Nagi comes out of the woodwork saying that he can't beat Isagi on his own and asks for Reo's help. Reo does stand up for himself a bit, saying that Nagi is being inconsiderate of his feelings and mentioning how long it took for him to recover from Nagi leaving. Now, the BPD trait here is how Reo not only forgives Nagi and is jumping on him and hugging him THE NEXT PAGE, but he also just disregards everything he said in this sequence. In a matter of two minutes, he no longer wants to be a player that can fight on his own or improve for himself, he wants to improve for Nagi. He starts ruminating again about how hurt he was when Nagi left, but now he's saying all of it wasn't so that he could get stronger individually, it was so that he could be reunited with Nagi again. Nagi asking for his help and saying that now they can play together again motivate Reo more than anything we've seen so far. (Nagi notoriously throws Reo little affection crumbs like this that Reo eats up, but I'm not trying focus on that) Now, Reo's alright with being a tool for Nagi's success again. Everything that happened was supposed to make him stronger so he could be a better partner to Nagi, right? Reo also says as the chapter ends, to please let him be a part of Nagi's dream until Nagi becomes the world's best striker. That's literally so sad!

He's also immediately back to the 'our' 'we' 'us' talk as well. If he can master his chameleon style in order to keep Nagi above the rest of the players, he wont get left behind again. If he devotes his time and energy into being a solo striker like the rest of these guys, Reo knows that he wont be able to keep up. This was always supposed to be his role, right? Building Nagi up to his full potential! :*)

I also like the detail that Reo is back to hugging Nagi and holding him, but Nagi never really touches him back. I think Reo's love language is touch for sure, not that it's incredibly relevant, but I do think it shows that Reo is back to being 100% comfortable around Nagi as if their fight never happened. I hear a lot of fans asking how Reo could have forgiven Nagi so easily, and I say this with my entire chest, it's the BPD. The black-and-white thinking combined with Nagi being Reo's fp and the excruciating pain of being abandoned by him in the first place ?? Of course he's going to take him back. Also, I've seen people blame Reo for not saying no to Nagi when he asks for help and I have to say that is an absolutely insane take. How are we gonna look at a panel where Nagi asks for help and then blame Reo for helping him?? I'm not going to focus on it too much in this post but in my opinion, it is crazy how little accountability both the narrative + fans give Nagi. Reo is pegged as responsible for both of their downfalls and it's nuts tbh.

Currently in the story, I think Reo's identity is still centered around Nagi. It's really easy for borderlines to structure their entire lives and personalities around their favorite person, but I can only hope that these two keep having open and honest discussions with one another. Hopefully, Reo will eventually learn that he can exist without Nagi and that he's more than just 'his arms and legs'.

Unstable or Changing Relationships:

The most notable relationship in Reo's life is Nagi. They're both each other's first real friends, which already sets up a less-than-ideal dynamic. Nagi has no idea how to communicate and he has pretty weak emotional intelligence. On the other hand, Reo is great at communicating, but he isn't used to regulating his emotions. For a lot of borderlines, they can go a very long time without experiencing any symptoms when they don't have a favorite person. When you think about it, the bulk of the disorder is shown through those interactions with other people. If Reo has never had a real friend in his life, I don't think he'd be used to the emotional turmoil that comes with having a fp.

The minute Reo meets Nagi, he's attached. All his classmates notice it, too. They question why Reo is suddenly so obsessed with this random kid who has no interest in him. Reo is ignoring everybody that isnt Nagi.

Very quickly, Reo boils down his view of the world to being him and Nagi versus everybody else, and he makes that very clear. It also depicts something that I think is incredibly crucial to Reo’s character that a lot of people overlook; as Nagi develops to be Reo’s favorite person, Reo’s dream isnt ‘playing soccer’ anymore. It’s Nagi. It’s being with Nagi, playing soccer with Nagi, being useful to Nagi, taking care of Nagi, and being somebody important to Nagi. He doesnt teach Nagi the rules or how to actually play, he teaches Nagi how to play with him. He literally re-writes and re-structures the game so that it can center around him and Nagi. Nagi calls him out on this in the spin-off manga:

Reo doesnt care about the structure of the game, he cares about Nagi. The other people on the field don't matter. The other team doesn't matter. He also starts to unknowingly put Nagi up on a pedestal, which is another borderline trait. He starts reiterating that Nagi is special, he's different from everybody else, he's destined to achieve great things. The more he raises Nagi up, the more he isolates the two of them in his mind, reiterating the idea that it's them against everybody else. His language reflects this too: Reo exclusively talks with 'us' 'we' 'our', insinuating that they're going to do everything together.

When Ego says that there can't be two winners, Reo says that he'll make Nagi the best striker. His 'ego' will be making Nagi successful. Along with putting Nagi on this pedestal, Reo also very early on establishes the fact that he'd pick Nagi over himself any day of the week. He's the only person in Blue Lock who really couldn't care less about becoming a striker himself: his dream is to be a tool in Nagi's success. Or, in simpler terms, he wants to be useful and make Nagi happy.

These two were in trouble from the very beginning. Nagi is lazy as all hell, has 0 motivation to do anything, and his dream is to live a life of luxury and never have to work. Reo, being the borderline baddie that he is, is more than happy to do EVERYTHING for Nagi. Borderlines love extremely hard! It's one of our best traits and I think it's important to showcase that Reo is a massive sweetheart at his core. He clearly loves Nagi a lot and goes to extreme lengths to make sure he feels taken care of. To someone with BPD, NOTHING is too big of an ask for a person they love, especially if that person is their fp. I also disagree with the argument that Reo 'made' Nagi codependent. Nagi likes being taken care of, he says it all the time. If you ask me, I would actually argue that Nagi takes advantage of Reo a little bit because he knows that Reo will do anything for him. But regardless, I think that Reo starts to develop an unspoken expectation with Nagi that he'll provide him with everything he needs, and in turn, Nagi will stick around. I don't think he's doing this intentionally, nor do I think it's being done in a manipulative way. I just think that Reo has a dormant fear of being abandoned that he doesn't totally know he has yet.

It isn't just Nagi that Reo showcases having unstable relationships with, though. Zantetsu is another good example. Reo starts out disliking Zantetsu, he snaps at him a couple times, and calls him a moron more than once. He starts to warm up to him because Nagi tells him to. The favorite person has MASSIVE sway in the borderline's life. If Nagi likes someone, Reo likes them too. (This is, of course, on the condition that they aren't a threat, looking at you Isagi).

In the immediate next chapter, Reo is acting like they're all best friends. He's climbing on top of them in their big bed, saying that the three of them are gonna win their matches, being a little pookie. He goes from not liking this guy at all to considering him one of his close friends super fast. Also on the topic of Isagi, when they're making up the teams for the second selection, Nagi doesn't initially want to tell Reo that he wants Isagi on their team bc he's worried Reo will be upset. But, when he does finally say it, Reo is literally fine with it because like I said, who Nagi likes, Reo likes! On the condition that they don't replace Reo, which clearly happened soon after.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, Reo also shows how he can go from loving someone to despising him very quickly. After Chigiri and Kunigami tell him to get back up in the game post-Nagi's abandonment, we can literally see the switch flip in Reo's head:

Suddenly, he hates Nagi. Nagi's a jerk who abandoned him; he never cared about him, and he threw him away. Dude literally says "Let's kill the bastards that betrayed us". This act of unintentional devaluing is called splitting. What Reo's essentially doing is going from one extreme to the other: if Nagi isn't his perfect treasure, he's the devil that broke his heart. There's no room for a grey area. The reasoning behind borderline's developing this black-and-white mindset is rooted in self-defense. If Reo devalues Nagi into being nothing more than a traitor, then he's stripping away the power that Nagi has to hurt him. If he looks at him like a rival or a villain, it's protecting him from being hurt by Nagi again.

That doesn't mean that he genuinely believes any of this, more so, he's trying to convince himself that it's true. We see that at his core, the reason he's acting like this is because he's hurt. I'll go more into it later on, but he's constantly thinking, what does Isagi have that I don't? What do I have to do in order to win Nagi back? This black-and-white thinking is an automatic self-defense mechanism that I think he's doing subconsciously. Regardless, the shifting he's doing here can cause a little whiplash, which brings me to:

Varied or random mood swings + Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights:

I can’t think of a better way to describe Reo's temperament than the wiki, so let me quote it: "Generally, he seems to feel every emotion with full force and is extremely aware of his own faults and shortcomings, which is evident in several instances of painful breakdowns shown in the spin-off manga. Due to his high emotionality, he can even get violent when he loses his temper."

Reo is characterized as being emotionally unstable. When he's happy, he's elated! When he's sad, he's miserable. There are a ton of scenes between the manga and spin-off manga that show how fast his emotions can flip, but this one was one of my personal favorites:

In this scene, Reo has developed a little scheme in the dining hall where the guys are trading their side dishes. At face value, a throwaway moment. But, I think it's worth looking at because not only does this show Reo's emotional response being triggered in an opposite, semi-extreme direction, but the root cause for the reaction was that he felt rejected by Zantetsu. In his own weird way, he's asking Zantetsu to come over and hang out with him. He's not being exceptionally clear with that message, but I can still pick up on it. "You wanna join in, don't you?" He's extending the invite, making himself vulnerable, and Zantetsu shoots him down by saying nah, I'm fine with my noodles. Reo JUMPS on him like YOU KNOW WHAT? I TOOK THAT PERSONALLY! lol. Jokes aside, I think this moment is a great one to argue Reo's BPD tendencies because it's such a seemingly mundane interaction. Even Zantetsu is surprised by Reo's random outburst. This also sets up the fact that one of Reo's most obvious triggers is being rejected/abandoned/betrayed, an extremely common one between those of us with BPD.

Other instances of Reo having a bad temper are a lot more obvious. In the match against teams V and Z, Reo straight up elbows Raichi in the throat, and then tries to go throw hands with Kuon for hurting Nagi. He only stops because if he gets into any more fights, he’ll get thrown out of the game and won't be able to play with Nagi anymore. He’s visibly pissed though and calls Team Z a joke. Hell, even Reo himself can recognize on a certain level that he can't control his emotions: they control him. They cloud his judgment and make him react in ways that he wish he didn't.

He is constantly plagued by these extreme emotional reactions that are out of his control. Not to say that people with BPD are unable to ever control their emotions, because we can! It takes time and therapy and practice though, which Reo hasn't had. His lack of regulation is also why he has such a dramatic and extreme meltdown when Nagi abandons him.

Fear of Abandonment:

Reo's biggest trigger and the cause of his inner turmoil throughout Blue Lock is his fear of abandonment. I mentioned before that I think he's had this fear dormant inside of him for a while as so many borderlines do, since he hasn't had the chance to experience it before. He alludes to it early on when they first arrive at Blue Lock:

The thought of leaving Nagi for somebody else? Reo considers that heartless. They came together, after all. They're going to win the world cup together. Nagi could break both of his legs and Reo wouldn't leave him, because again, Reo isn't there to team up with the best player and become the best striker in the world: he's there to play with Nagi!! And, like I said, in Reo's mind it's him and Nagi vs everyone else-

Reo exhibits a lot of signs early on of being jealous while they're playing in Blue Lock. I mean, as we discussed, everything should be focused around him and Nagi. When Nagi passes to Zantetsu in the team V and Y match, Reo pulls up like 'hey, why didn't you pass it to me?? ):' There are a lot of little moments like that, but Reo's jealousy is a lot more relevant to my argument after he gets abandoned by Nagi.

Let's talk about that word: abandoned. It seems dramatic, right? Reo uses that term constantly and exclusively. Every time he brings that moment up, he uses the word 'abandoned', or he'll say 'betrayed' or 'chose'. These are very definitive words. He’s not saying Nagi ditched him or flaked on him or blew him off, no; he has abandoned him. That word choice may seem disproportionate to the situation, but that's Reo's reality. This was the ultimate betrayal to him. The constant use of that vocabulary reiterates that in Reo's mind, there is no grey area. Either Nagi chooses him, or he chooses someone else. In choosing someone else, he abandons Reo. Reo is paranoid that Nagi isn't ever going to come back to him and it's because of something that Reo is lacking. How can Nagi like Isagi more than him, anyway?

Now, I do fault Nagi a bit for not communicating better at that moment. I understand that he's bad at communication, but I don't think Reo could have been more obviously upset if he tried. The dude was in TEARS. Nagi saw him devastated and then expected everything to be fine when he met him in the bathhouse? Idk. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn't realize it would upset Reo to such an extreme: maybe he thought that they would miss each other, but Reo wouldn't take it personally. I'm doing my best not to harp on Nagi since this is about Reo.

Abandonment is detrimental to people with BPD. It causes extreme inner turmoil that we see with Reo as the story progresses because it is the only thing he can think about. If he isn't trying to cover up his hurt feelings with this idea of revenge, he's self-destructing over being abandoned. He becomes obsessed with wondering why Nagi chose Isagi over him. Was there something wrong with him? Isagi isn't that impressive, why would Nagi rather be with him? These thoughts torture him endlessly and fuel his desire to 'steal' Nagi back. He literally says to Isagi, that he's going to steal Nagi back. Much to his dismay though, Reo starts to notice that Isagi is bringing out some positive traits in Nagi. Nagi's entire vibe is different with Isagi. Nagi is having fun playing soccer without Reo. In fact, he's having more fun. He's making plays he's never made before. His face is visibly different; he's more excited than before.

This is heartbreaking for Reo. Not only was he right that Isagi did have something to offer Nagi that he couldn't, but Reo is having a massive self-hate spiral during this point as well, so he's internalizing all of his flaws and mistakes while the thought is sitting in the back of his head: did Nagi actually have a good reason for abandoning me? Was I not enough to satisfy him? Did I only drag him down? This gets significantly worse the longer he watches Nagi and Isagi play:

Everything is falling apart. Nagi is doing completely fine without Reo, and Reo is an absolute mess. We're circling back to Reo's lack of identity here as well. He's watching firsthand that he's losing Nagi to Isagi: what does he do? What happens to him if he loses Nagi, who is he without Nagi? He's overwhelmed during this match and at one point Reo literally screams that he's going to tear apart their connection. Jealousy is consuming him, but it's also those feelings of inferiority and wondering if he really did deserve to be abandoned. If Nagi is so happy without him, maybe he really did have a reason. These are the thoughts that are circling around in Reo's head. Not to mention, he is constantly tortured by the flashbacks of Nagi leaving him, which I think is a great detail. Some readers might say it's just pointless recapping but I disagree, I think it's depicting how traumatic that was for Reo. As a borderline, being abandoned by your fp IS traumatic. Reo relives that moment so many times because so many things trigger it for him throughout Blue Lock. He can't even look at Chigiri and Kunigami without thinking about him and Nagi. It's a really devastating experience that quickly deteriorates him emotionally.

Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness + Suicidal behavior or self-injury:

One of my favorite things about Reo is the fact that he is self-aware that he's behaving somewhat irrationally, but he doesn't know how to stop. When we look at one of the several times that Reo is curled up crying over Nagi, he mentions how he really did want to tell Nagi to go and have fun, but he didn't. He couldn't. The visuals shift for this too:

Reo doesnt want to be acting this way, but he can't help it, and that's frustrating to him. It makes him start feeling ashamed of himself. His inner thoughts start to spiral and he feels weak and alone. He's reflecting here on what his true feelings really were at that moment, and how scared and lonely and weak he felt as a result of Nagi leaving him behind.

These feelings quickly evolve into Reo feeling worthless and falling into bouts of self-hatred. He's so ashamed of the way he's feeling and behaving but it feels so out of his control. He says, "maybe if I hadn't gone to Blue Lock in the first place, I wouldn't have to experience this feeling." As I said before, borderline's feel things EXTREMELY intensely; the disorder is described as living with third-degree burns all over your body. Everything hurts. His feelings are so intense and all-consuming right now, it's all he can think about:

I saw some posts in the fandom reddit asking why Reo is acting like this. One in particular reads: "I get that he is betrayed and stuff but he is acting like it’s the end of the world, is it explained later why he acts like this? Is it because he doesn’t think he can win without Nagi?" Not to call this person out, I just want to answer the question in this post-

It has nothing to do with winning; it was never about winning. It was always about Nagi.

If we're looking at Reo through the borderline lens, it IS the end of the world for him. Nagi was his world. What's worse, he's fully aware that he's not acting rationally and he doesn't know why, which is making him feel ashamed and weak and embarrassed. Now I know why he's acting like this, but there are no Blue Lock psychiatrists sitting around to wack him with the mood stabilizers or the DBT handbook, so he's gonna stay feeling like a monster.

He lets these thoughts, along with the resentment and anger from being abandoned in the first place, fuel him for the second selection match. As he's watching the game play out, as Nagi is about to score the winning goal, Reo's mind starts racing with intrusive, negative thoughts.

He's praying that Nagi fails, that he gives up, that he stops trying, anything to stop that solidifying moment where he scores the winning goal and proves once and for all that not only was Reo not strong enough to stop him, but Nagi doesn't need him anymore. He catches himself really quickly, because he realizes he's sounding just like his parents. Everything is spinning out of control so bad, Reo wants Nagi to end up in a vulnerable position so that he isn't the only one falling apart. As he catches himself thinking this, he's disgusted with himself. He calls himself 'utter trash', and as he watches Nagi score the winning goal, he falls to his knees, wishing he was dead.

As he sits there decomposing in emotional turmoil and suicidal ideation, Nagi's team chooses Chigiri to join them, and it's the nail in the coffin. This is probably Reo's lowest point in the entire story IMO. Nagi comes up to compliment him on his plays and Reo shows us another classic borderline move: he's anticipating how bad it's going to hurt to be abandoned by Nagi again, so he's trying to push him away before it can happen. We see the dichotomy of his spoken words and inner thoughts here, where he's talking big game to Nagi, saying things like 'you clearly don't care about me anymore, you're throwing me away, if you're going to abandon me just do it properly', while internally he's thinking 'I'm the worst, I wish I was dead, please take this bait and break my heart so that I can self destruct in peace'.

i LOVE the visuals during this moment. This is what Reo thinks is his last line of defense, the last thing he can do to preserve any part of his dignity is to make Nagi hate him so that he'll stop throwing these crumbs of affection at him. It's also really telling that despite his switch in behavior and the devaluing of Nagi, the root of all of that is STILL that he was so hurt by the abandonment.

I don't think I need to analyze the suicidal ideation because he just straight up says he wants to die like three times in this scene but, aside from that, the visual of his inner thoughts vs what he's actually saying is so powerful. Not to mention the chameleon imagery which i'll geek out about in a second, this is another example of his black and white thinking along with the reiteration that being abandoned was literally traumatic for Reo: he says they can never go back to what they were before. Speaking as a borderline, this is painfully true. When people break my trust even in a small way, I can never view them the same as I used to. I can forgive them and let it go, but I'll never be as open with them as I once was. In Reo's shoes, he had Nagi up on this pedestal that he was perfect and would never do anything to hurt him, but he did hurt him (in the worst way possible).

After Nagi tells him he's a pain in the ass and that he doesn't care anymore, Reo thanks him for 'finishing him off'. In his mind, they're done now and he can suffer in peace and quiet without dragging Nagi down anymore.

Bonus Point: The Chameleon Effect

I LOVE THE FACT THAT HIS THING IS CHAMELEONS AHHHH

The chameleon imagery with Reo makes me INSANE dude. As I mentioned towards the beginning of this post, a part of borderline that is seldom talked about is the tendency to take on 'the chameleon effect', or mirror the people around them. REO'S ENTIRE THING IS CHAMELEONS LIKE BFFR ?? That image where he was trying to get Nagi to hate him, was before he even started using his chameleon style, it was just something the authors thought was necessary to include during Reo's mental breakdown. Aside from the cool imagery, his chameleon style is a reflection of his relationship with Nagi. He gets called a jack of all trades and a master of none early on in reference to how when he’s without Nagi, hes not really exceptional at anything. He never really took the time to master one specific thing because he was always so concerned with helping Nagi. This rings my BPD bell for a couple reasons: first of all, when you have no sense of identity and you’re worried it means you have no real personality ?? Steal one!! Take the closest person to you and copy that one. That’s something us baddies know VERY well. Also, think there’s something about you that your fp doesn’t like? Change it! You can morph into anything they want as long as it means they won’t leave you !! :*) Before he makes up with Nagi, he copies moves in hopes that it'll make him stronger and appear more desirable to Nagi. After they make up, he copies whoever he has to so that he can get Nagi to that goal and make himself useful, make himself somebody that Nagi wants to have around. It is a literal direct metaphor for him changing anything and everything about himself for Nagi and graaaahhhh it’s so cool

Reonagi ?? Some thoughts-

I want to close this yap session with my thoughts on Reonagi as a ship. I do think that they can work and I want to make that clear. I'm not on board with the 'borderlines arent capable of having loving and fulfilling relationships' crap. That being said, they both have to put in a bit of effort. Reo has already recognized a lot of his own issues. He admits that he was wrong for pushing his ideals onto Nagi, that he needs to let Nagi grow and be his own person, etc. Nagi really hasn't accepted any fault. I stand by the fact that Nagi needs to be more sensitive with Reo. Way too often when a relationship like this fails, all the blame is put on the one with borderline. I'm gonna be the outlier here and say that if Nagi cares about Reo, he needs to learn about Reo's triggers and be mindful of them. I'm not saying that since Reo is sensitive to abandonment that Nagi should just isolate himself from everybody else, but what I am saying is that when he's going to do something that doesn't involve Reo, he needs to learn how to communicate that he still loves and values Reo. "I'm gonna go play soccer with this person right now, but I haven't forgotten about our promise. When I come back, we can play together. I still love you and I'm not going to leave you for whoever tf I'm playing with rn." (sneaking that 'i love you' in bc like..they're literally canon at this point asdfghjkll) But, I do think that Nagi loves Reo and cares about him in his own way. The two of them just have to keep working on their communication skills. Nagi has the potential to have a hot rich husband who will literally bend over backward for him and buy him all the robux he could ever want, he's gotta put in a shred of effort!

I also like to think that Nagi didn’t totally get the fact that Reo doesn’t gaf about just playing soccer. Nagi thinks soccer is what they do together, it’s what makes reo happy, right? He’s always pushing him to train harder and take the game more seriously because he likes the sport, RIGHT? It would make perfect sense to go play with isagi so that he can get better at soccer and come back to reo a more improved player. Maybe that’s why he was surprised when Reo was so mad in the bathhouse, bc he wasn’t making the connection that Reo cares more about him than soccer. That Reo puts all that energy into him playing soccer because he thinks it’s something that they can have as their own, and once Nagi notices how good he is, he’ll start enjoying it and the two of them can hold hands and run around the soccer pitch!! I think Nagi missed that part tbh, and I don’t think he know that even now in the story. Maybe Reo doesn’t even notice it.

Anyway, a shameless plug to my reonagi playlist if that's your thing (i cooked with this one, i fear) https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5CsvSqmuI4cxOl1nTaV4GJ?si=737a0f21e0bd482a

Closing Thoughts:

Reo is a bpd baddie and I love him very much. I think he's a sensitive guy with a lot of feelings who would benefit from taking time to work through his trauma and his emotions. I hope that he eventually is able to build an identity for himself that doesn't involve Nagi, but baby steps, I suppose. I think Reo is a great balance of positive and negative borderline traits and he reads as a really believable and sympathetic character. He is, however, definitely that friend that you have to slap to stop them from running back to their ex.

Jokes aside though, BPD can be extremely hard to live with, even more so when it's undiagnosed and untreated. If someone you love has BPD, take the time to read up on it and do your best to understand them. I promise you, it will mean the world to them.

If you managed to get this far, thank you for reading! This was a messy stream of consciousness and I appreciate your support by listening.

[sunlit-mess]

Please ignore if it's not your kind of conversation, but I've been wondering what's going on with me and I was wondering if you might be willing to share how you knew you had BPD or what that process was like for you. Thanks

Hello, I hope you're doing ok!! And I hope what I share can help, it's best to reach out. ::)

My discovery in BPD started at 17 when dad finally realized something is wrong with his oldest daughter. His exact words were that I was deteriorating and he hated seeing it. (Him and I have a complicated relationship, but we love our families just the same)

Although the symptoms started earlier than that, cue in childhood traumas, a shitty high-school, struggle with connection to other people and growing with a fucked up family.

To break it down:

My earliest symptoms were Abandonment issues and Paranoia (as a child), that I seemed like I had separation anxiety that engaged in people-pleasing. I hardly remember the rest of my childhood as if those memories are locked far in my head.

The next was until first year high-school where I started to develop obsessions, to an extent I seemed like a stalker. Naive, my relationships with other people always ended up toxic that even if I was so aware of it, I couldn't care less as long as they never leave me and such. Fortunately, I gave up and cut off. I remained an outcast, indifferent and it stayed that way.

Trouble in high-school was something, but what's worse was the toxicity in my own house, my family. What else could I do? Where else could I run to?

My moods started to have intense erratic patterns or just completely random and confuses most. As the years pass by, more obsessions and unhealthy habits developed as a way to "cope" or just felt what was right, what I deserve. This affects me as a whole because I never grew out of it. I never grew out of how we are treated in this house even until now that I am in college. I struggle in life AS A WHOLE from mentally to physically and so on.

Everyday I feel like I'm at war with my own head, my own self, feelings of hate and love, to other people and more in-between. And I'm actually always on edge as if it could be my last day. There are the endless list of what I have to hide and so much more confusing feelings, behaviors, and thoughts. Just to consider being, functioning "normal".

I actually struggle to voice these experiences, because I've been called insane and worse. Life keeps giving me lemons and I'm so, extremely, tired, but I can't give up as much as I want to. I have younger siblings I do not want to share this burden with.

I handle all of this myself ever since, even financially.

Lately, from my last consultation, was found out the disorder was also rooted from Autistic traits early life to adulthood in a way I couldn't show because of how we are treated at home. So.. To be fair it did make sense.

[kouyou-arc-when]

Hey, this is a great ask and I am so sorry for not replying earlier. I am responding like this because I actually broke the character limit since I'm dumb -_- I've written a lot of posts about this on reddit, and many people came up to me and asked me something similar. Your line of thinking is good. Regarding Dazai:

So, the thing is - to properly diagnose any personality disorder, you need to talk to that very person to understand their inner mechanisms. There are certain behavioral traits we can observe from the outside and make some guesses based on that: for example, Dazai's broadly dented empathy and why that's often found in people with ASPD.

However, for many other personality disorders it is very difficult to conclude much without the person saying ~I feel x because of y. I do c because of b.

Why? Personality disorders are internal structures that cause a person's behavior to be challenging to either them or others. To understand these mental processes is much more demanding than seeing a person just feels sad or anxious, to explain it simplistic terms.

The key behind many disorders is to know WHY a person is doing what they're doing. This one thing changes whether a person has x,z,y,t,n or whatever condition.

An example: BPD and CPTSD are often mistaken for one another. Same as with BPD, CPTSD, Autism and ADD in women, but BPD and CPTSD tend to have the largest "overgap", you can even have both at the same time. That's because many of the outside observable symptoms are the same.

An example: unstable relationships are a symptom of ALL of the above, but BPD is sort of...an outdated PD according to many specialists due to the fact that it was used as an "everything" disorder, where people with socially unconventional emotions were dumped. That's why you'll find two people with BPD that are almost nothing alike.

However, even if we hold to classic diagnostic criteria, let me show how the same symptom can be a product of entirely different circumstances.

For example: Someone with BPD will have unstable relationships due to an extreme fear of abandonment. Someone with Autism may have unstable relationships due to differences in communication styles Someone with ADHD will have unstable relationships due to various circumstances: emotional regulation, executive functioning etc.

So really, the outward result may be the same, but the cause is different.

However, now, typically the main reason someone could have BPD is either due to extreme splitting, favorite person behavior, numbness and/or abandonment issues.

Dazai 100% has "favorite person" syndrome going on with Oda - the way he idealized Odasaku and then devalues everyone around him in comparison is pretty clinical - doesn't mean their relationship isn't lovely, but it's certainly something a therapist would take note of.

It's no shocker Dazai has unstable relationships, but we don't 100% know why he does what he does.

That's the whole thing Asagiri said - the character is meant to be like a donnut, where you don't really know what's in the middle - so it's extremely difficult to say which PD fits him for sure, probably even more difficult than the average neurodivergent character. In my opinion, several interpretations of Dazai are simultaneously valid due to the fact that you could assume multiple personal struggles within him, and come to a reasonable conclusion.

Does Dazai have abandonment issues? He says he always loses everything he wants, is EXTREMELY bitter over Ango, and definitely shows some levels of "splitting", especially in how he treats Oda vs Ango, Akutagawa vs Atsushi etc etc.

I'm pretty confident he has PTSD, and everything that comes with that. He certainly has a personality disorder too, due to the fact that a lot of his difficulties stem from his personality, and not just brain chemistry.

Kunikida says that most of his emotions "seem" like an act, which raises a lot of questions to what is even happening on the inside. Asagiri said Dazai is really only himself in front of people like Oda and Fyodor. That version of Dazai is...much less cheerful than with everyone else.

I don't personally think Dazai is autistic since he has a good hang on social cues and overall communication. Mamoru Miyano said PM Dazai was still learning to communicate with others back in his Dark Era days, but it wasn't that he couldn't do it - he was just not interested in learning it.

I feel like Asagiri gave Dazai this "unrealistic" trait of being primarily isolated because he's extraordinarily intelligent (which is not how geniuses tend to feel irl, most of the time) but I always feel like there is something more to it.

There is definitely some /disconnect/ between Dazai and "normal" people, where he doesn't fully seem to understand certain things, he falls short there. As someone who has CPTSD diagnosed, I get the impression he maybe has a similar thing going on as many of us: A extremely traumatic experience disrupted a lot of normal emotional and cognitive processes, and now he's both extremely hypervigilant and unable to snap out of that "shellshocked" state. He needs to "perform" conventionality, and being a normal person.

In one wan chapter, he "made a joke" that you start doing one bad thing after another, and suddenly you feel nothing at all. That's the trademark numbness in both CPTSD and BPD.

There was this TDIPUD moment where he talks about how a personality is just a bunch of unstable premises that survive to uphold the basic instincts of the human mind - but how it's easily destroyed for that reason. This is a scene where he tortures the guy, and I was like "wow, I really get it". Severe trauma can just destroy the very structure of your personality, because extreme pain just numbs everything within you. "You" as a person can't survive.

BPD is also related to an unstable sense of self - which could be connected to the former paragraph. Sometimes lowered empathy is also a byproduct of BPD, in fact, the thing is that both BPD and CPTSD come from trauma 99% of the time. They're shockingly similar disorders.

So, does Dazai have BPD? No idea. He could also be schizoid to some extent, which is funny, because Franz Kafka had this disorder, the author that inspired Asagiri's nickname.

For now, I'd just leave at he has CPTSD for sure

Most of these disorders are very broad descriptors, and it's difficult to label most humans in a way that will genuinely encompass what their experiences are. Most of the time, these diagnostics are used to match a person with the best treatment available, or to explain what they're going through - so I don't think there is a perfect diagnosis for Dazai aside from PTSD, but he's definitely extremely neurodivergent. Thanks for reading <3

[chaifootsteps]

Hi, hi! I've been a longtime follower of your blog, but this is my first time sending in an ask because of anxiety. You're the most consistent blog that keeps up to date with Viv and her work. As someone who first saw Viv through the Die Young animation, and watched the HH pilot when it was first released, I grew disillusioned as s1 of Helluva Boss slowly aired. It was mostly because I didn't really enjoy the Stolitz ship and I believe the Erin Frost drama had come out (god bless Erin - she, Ken and everyone else deserved so much better). Plus the world-building and character development was just so off.

I know people have said this before: the concept Viv has is good, but the execution sucks. There's a vision but the product is so damn juvenile. I'm ace, and I became attached to Alastor due to him being ace as well, but we all know how Viv responded when the ship wars were happening. I couldn't stand the constant sex jokes or swearing in HB since when was it required for an "adult" show to have that?

Thank you for the episode leaks. Only got to see ep 1 before they were removed. The only thing that made me laugh out loud was the Niffty gag where she stared dead into the camera. I also liked Adam a bit? Sure the "original dick" thing went on way too long, but he was funny too. I surprising enjoyed his song - the lil fist bump he did with Lute was cute, and I like Lute but knowing Viv's record... eh. There was this cool shot where Adam flew up and Lute and those golden angels go behind him and spread their wings making Adam look like the biblically accurate angel. Except Adam himself ruins the effect because what the ever-loving heck is he wearing? I hate it.

In terms of shipping, I wasn't into the Huskerdust interactions. Angel wasn't flirting, that was sexual harassment. In the pilot it was okay because their interaction was brief and Husk pushed Angel off. Chaggie was... something. I genuinely feel that Chaggie could've worked had they not been established as a couple in the first place. The reason why Charlastor (and I guess Charlentious?) happened is because they had chemistry and their interactions could be read as a romantic interest. Since Chaggie was already established, there was an expectation for them to have those, but they weren't delivered and we know well that they weren't supposed to be a thing in the first place. Have Vaggie still be her bff and bodyguard, but show those moments where she genuinely cares for Charlie's well-being that indicates she's in love with her, yet Charlie is completely oblivious to everything. Actually, reverse harem Charlie sounds pretty funny to me.

Btw, armchair psychology anon, as a person studying psychology in my final year of college, dw about people taking issues with your speculations. NPD and other personality disorders are ego-syntonic, which means that the individual's behaviours line up with their beliefs, hence why PDs are only diagnosed during adulthood once brain maturation and personality development is reached. The only exception to this is ASPD (which NPD shares a category with called Cluster B along with histrionic and BPD) as you can diagnose a child with conduct disorder that can become ASPD when they're adults. Cluster B PDs are terribly demonised by media and the public despite the volume of research (I blame misunderstanding and ignorance). Viv could have it or could not; it's just that she shows signs of having it, and that's it. Even if she doesn't, she's still an awful person. Idk what happened in her childhood or some point in her life for her to become like this, but it doesn't excuse treating people like crap - oh wait, ain't this her characters in a nutshell?

That's all I gotta say for now. I hope it's okay to send more like this in the future; I'd love to be a specific anon but idk what's already taken lol. Take care, Chai, and I hope you have a good day/evening.

By all means, send as many as you've got! Because this was a delight to read.

Let me know when you come up with a name. I'll give you a placeholder one for now.

[d34dpulse]

Why I think Katsuki has BPD

(As a katsuki kinnie with BPD)

Disclaimers:

I'm not saying he definitively has it, just that I headcanon him to have it.

I'm also not a licensed professional or even educated on this topic, I just have it myself and am loosely going off how the symptoms are defined in the DSM V.

BPD is a disorder that can only be diagnosed when someone is 18 or older. Currently, Katsuki is 17, nearly 18, and a requirement of BPD is for the symptoms to be present since the age of 15 (how old Katsuki is at the start of BNHA) so I'm still gonna make this anyways lol.

Manga screenshots are backwards (ie p22 on the left p23 on the right)

This not only includes things from BNHA but also the movies and BNHA Team Up Missions

1) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Do I even need to give proof for this one? Katsuki's temper and habit of getting into fights is a defining trait of his character and has been throughout the entire series.

2) Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Paranoid ideation is characterized by someone having a persistent suspicion and distrust of people around them. People experiencing paranoid ideation might believe that others are trying to harm them or treat them unfairly, even when there's no evidence to support this. While Katsuki exhibits this towards ALOT of people, especally if he intimidated by them, Deku is the one he exhibits it most to.

The reason Katsuki bullied Deku is because he believed it to be mutual. He felt an inferiority to Deku, depite the fact that he was quirkless, and began to develop an inferiority complex, but also a superiority complex, only focusing on Deku’s flaws as a way to cope with that inferiority complex.

He believed that Deku was being condescending towards him and was trying to goad him into losing his temper, angering him more since it felt like Deku knew he was better than him. Later he believes he’s been pretending to not have a quirk so he could purposely embarrass him in UA, believing that he’s finding sadistic enjoyment in Katsuki’s difficulty adjusting to UA and confusion over his quirk and their relationship. That deku was manipulating Katsuki to believe he didn’t have a quirk for 10 years, and he never realised.

Katsuki also prefers to act alone because he hates the idea of being protected or having to rely on other people to assist him. He's got better as the series has progressed and he's gotten to know his classmates, acknowledging the importance of working with others every now and then but he still prefers to be the leader of said group, protecting them from harm while expecting them to do the same for him in return.

3) Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Katsuki looks up to All Might and has aspired to be like him ever since he was a child, but outside of that he doesnt really have any sense of who he is or what he wants to be. This is best shown when he notices how close All Might and Deku are and this one assumption makes him question the thing hes been so passionately working for, for years.

On top of this has both a superiority complex as well as an inferiority complex and seems to gauge his identity based of the people around him. He often avoids thinking about himself and instead focuses on the people around him (i.e. "instead of thinking about how good or bad I am at this thing, I'll think about how good or bad this person is".)

An example of this is how Katsuki would try to believe that Deku was nothing because he didn't want to accept that he wasn't living up to his unreasonably high expectations of himself. Being forced to confront this at UA was what caused his superiority/inferiority complex to get worse.

4) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Black-And-White thinking is the simplest phase to use for this and an opinion about a person can go from "white" to "black" over barely anything. Again, Izuku is a perfect example of this. Katsuki and Izuku where best friends as kids but after his quirk didn't form and the infamous lake scene happened, he misinterpreted Deku's care as condescension and it turned into genuine hatred that lasted years.

Then after years of hatred, he has one "conversation" with him, talking things out, and they become best friends again, so much so that he risks his life on multiple occasions trying to protect him. Katsuki even risks his own health seeing if Izuku is okay when he breaks his arms. Risking his health to protect Izuku eventually gets to the point where he ends up killing himself in the war arc to do so. Even when he gets brought back to life, awakened from his coma, he risks his health to see if Izuku is okay.

In the latest chapter he's the only 1-A (Now 2-A) classmate that visits him in the hospital. When he finds out he'll never fully recover from his injuries and has potentially permanently lost an arm, he's more annoyed if anything, but when he finds out Izuku's lost his quirk, he breaks down crying, again blaming himself for Deku's injuries. All of this even though, only a few months ago, he hated his guts.

5) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Affective instability is defined as repeated, rapid, and abrupt shifts in mood and while Katsuki has always been very emotionally driven, this is more accurate to Katsuki post kidnapping arc and especially him post war arc.

An example is in his fight with Deku, after All Mights near death, his mood rapidly shifts from non-verbal annoyance, to angry name calling to tearful venting throughout the entire fight, with Izuku's efforts to calm him down seemingly making him more erratic.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

As mentioned in the previous page, Katsuki got insecure and jealous of Izuku because All Might was paying attention to Deku's progress and "wasn't paying attention" to Katsuki's progress. This actually gets called out by All Might himself in chapter 62. He tries to get rid of Deku and frantically tries to beat All Might on his own to get back his approval, confusing Izuku and All Might who don't understand why he's so upset.

Impulsivity in areas that are potentially self-damaging.

Katsuki is extremely impulsive and gets the "consequences" for it all the time. I'll use getting into dangerous fights as an example.

In the World Heroes' Mission movie, Katsuki fights the Serpenters Twins, Ena and Dio. Katsuki fights them on his own and ends up getting mercilessly shredded apart. Even though he won in the end, he was injured to an insane amount. His entire body is torn apart and he's bleeding out of one of his eyes, but he only cares about how he won.

Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

Katsuki throws himself into danger, not caring about how much he hurt so maybe you can call that recurrent suicidal behaviour? However, I'd rather focus on something else. This is something I don't really see people talk about much but Katsuki "trains" when he's stressed out. While it's not talked about much, excessively working out can be considered NSSI aka Nonsuicidal Self-Injury and while not suicidal, it's still self harm and considered self-mutilating behaviour.

The following aren't symptoms of BPD but are still relevant.

Difficulty managing/talking about/explaining emotions and struggles

Most people with BPD struggle to vocalise and put into words what's upsetting them and even may not understand what is making them feel like that, especially men since the fear of venting could be greater than a woman's due to societies expectations of men and vulnerability.

Small friend circles/habit of isolation

Due to difficulties socially, many people with BPD will fixate on certain people and ignore others, sometimes even isolating themselves completely. While this was sort of hinted before the kidnapping arc (Katsuki being rude to every one other that Ejiro and maybe Denki and only paying attention to them, Izuku and Shoto.) afterwards, he moved in with the other 1-A classmates and all of them reiterate on multiple occasions that theyre worried about how Katsuki never leaves his room.

Yeah, sure, you could chock this up to the fact that he's coping with the trauma of getting kidnapped and watching his idol "die" days before, but even after he "gets over" that, he's still as quiet as introverted as before

Maybe even more so, since after he and Izuku became friends, he would stay with him and would rarely be seen with other characters without Izuku also being there.

Questionable Childhood

Its made very clear in the series that Katsuki and his mother are very similar an he treats the people around him the same way his mother treats him. Aka, Katsuki was abused as a child by his mother and abuses others because he doesn't understand that his mother is abusive and not just angry at him.

This environment growing up is why he acts the way he does (at least personality wise) and while his mother very obviously cares about him (post war arc is proof of that), she doesn't hesitate to hit him, berate him and victim-blame him, even in front of his teachers.

Also in chapter 165, when trying to teach children to help get his license, Katsuki recommends beating the kids and accidentally confesses to the team that happened to him as a kid and it must fine because of the "My parents did that to me and I turned out fine." mentality he has.

While this is proof that she treats him like this normally, its also completely possible that his home life could be even worse than what's been shown to us, especially because he seemingly doesn't know what happened to him was wrong.

BPD is a disorder that is formed due the environment someone grows up in and in up to 90% of BPD cases, the source is associated with abuse. You're also more likely to get a diagnosis of BPD if someone in your close family has it. This suggests that even if she isn't being abusive towards him, his similarity to her could be that he inherited a personality disorder she has.

Another thing to add to this point is that bullying is also a cause of BPD and while most people don't talk about it, Katsuki used to get picked on by classmates and older kids because of his quirk.

PTSD/C-PTSD

This might sound weird at first but hear me out! Katsuki has PTSD/C-PTSD from the sludge monster incident and his home life (pre 15). Post 15, he also has trauma from being kidnapped and witnessing the near death of his idol (which he blames himself for). This all makes sense if he has BPD, because not only is BPD usually caused by trauma (like PTSD) but a study showed that Borderline personality disorder and complex post-traumatic stress disorder are commonly found together, with between 25% and 60% of people with BPD also have C-PTSD.

Self-blame

When someone close to Katsuki gets hurt or when something he's involved in goes wrong, his first instinct is to blame himself. He blames himself for the sludge monster incident, he blames himself for being kidnapped by the LOV, he blames himself for All Might's near death, he blames himself for Deku being quirkless. All of this when in all these situations, he was innocent or worse, the victim.

Even when it comes to his upbringing, when he finds out Shoto got beat as a kid, he gets worried about him and asks if he's okay, but when he talks about him getting beat as a kid and shoto shows the same concern, he immediately dismisses it because he "turned out fine".

Self blame is very common for people with BPD. It’s usually used as a defence mechanism and is a common response to having a traumatic experience. This is especially true even when the traumatic event occurs through no fault of the victim, as it allows them to feel that they have control over everything that happens to them.

Self-blame can grow into low self-esteem and even self-hate, which could be the case because of how much Katsuki has been apologizing to Izuku in recent chapters and how much he feels in debt to him because of how badly he treated him. It's understandable since he bullied him for a reason he now understands was wrong, but even then it was all over a misunderstanding and he did his best to make it up to him afterwards.

[youremyheaven]

I’m a bit late to this conversation but I wanted to say something about Jupiter/sun- nodal dynamics. I’ve experienced this dynamic with nodals and been the “therapist” friend, but I also wanted to share an example of the Yang person being the exploitative one:

I have a friend who is ardra sun mula moon (I mentioned her and how she loves to yap in a different ask like a week ago 😭 the saga continues) who had this bf who was genuinely insane. She was obsessed with this bf and I found it kind of annoying, but they had bpd and they spent all day basically waiting for their bf to come back from work so they could hang out. They’re whole life revolved around him.

Now here’s the really weird bad part- when they first started dating she was 14 and he was 17/18😬😬 they met by him sliding into her dms and saying something edgy (I can’t remember what it was but it was a very strange thing to say to someone you didn’t know). He was schizophrenic w ASPD and he basically took advantage of her need for attention by love bombing her and saying shit like “I will make a religion where you are my god and I worship you” and going into uncomfortable detail about it.

He would threaten her awful exs and dox them which I assume made her feel protected but then it turns out he was involved in someone’s death (????) and later threatened to kill her (????????) when she was going to leave. They were both toxic to an extent but there was a clear power dynamic between them. I can’t remember that many details since this was many years ago but yeah

He was a punarvasu moon, shravana sun and vishaka rising. The moon dominance definitely doing some damage but I think he enjoyed the power he had over her as a younger girl who had that nodal dependence on him. Luckily they’ve been broken up for a while though

Omg that is insane and horrible?? I hope she's okay?? 😭😭

Ever since those Nodal-Yang conversations started taking place, I've been reassessing how those dynamics work. Especially in the context of, if imbalanced Nodals "drain" Yang people then how do imbalanced Yangs affect Nodals 🧐🤔 and it's true how Yang people often need to release (?) their excessive energy so they tend to be very love bomb-y but it very easily turns into the opposite of love or they start acting cold because the reality is once they've released/unleashed all that energy, they feel like they have nothing left to give and so they turn either cruel or cold. It's probably going to sound a bit sociopathic but a lot of imbalanced Yang people are just looking for this release and don't care about the person. They'll say all this bs like they'll say they want to marry you and build a life with you and give praise freely within days of knowing you not because of actual interest in you but because their nature is one of being excessively "giving" (and being giving is not necessarily a good thing because it's not always being manifest in positive ways like being charitable or kind). I feel like being love bombed by a Yang person is such a quintessential experience of this energy.

I'm sorry to all Nodals for how you've been treated by some of these people

[mrs-monaghan]

Honestly, I think payola is happening for JK because it’s nearly impossible to make it onto Hot100 “organically” now. (No doubt he’s being pushed, with Scooter, BPD, radio stations, everybody and they mama posting and hyping Seven.) But we have to remember that Seven only has Itunes, Amazon, Qobuz buys, and no D2C, which was our most powerful tool in getting our JM the #1 he deserved. Without the company stepping in to support it with radioplay, the #1 on Hot100 would be impossible. Now the question is whether or not they will support PJM2 the way they’re pushing Seven. I’m withholding judgement until we see how the company treats PJM2.

Still, this doesn’t negate how LC had INSANE potential to be HUGE, and HYBE completely fumbled the fucking bag. And by fumbled I mean they just about dropped it over the rooftop of the building that JM and BTS built. Kicked it to the curb like it was worth nothing. And that pisses me off and it always will. But Jikookers, please try to tone back the hate towards JK. He doesn’t deserve it. I know the main question is “how can JK accept all this help knowing that JM was snubbed and didn’t get any?” I don’t know, but we do know that Scooter is involved. This man is a toxic snake. We have no idea what’s going down behind the scenes. Really, we have no fucking clue. We can only guess. So please, support Seven if you want to, don’t support it if you don’t want to. But don’t be so quick to jump on JK and accuse him of not caring about JM. Are you kidding me? You’ve really forgotten how much JK loves and takes care of JM, everything they’ve had for the past ten years, everything in the past few months even.

I promise you, there will be a day when we’ll get a tell-all, be it leaked emails or JM himself addressing the issue, perhaps even JK will do/say something. Nothing shady stays hidden forever. Until that day, let’s be patient and kind.

Oh, and for those accusing JK of plagiarism, are you serious? Like, look in the mirror and say that to yourself. “JK is stealing JM’s creative work without his permission.” Yeah, do you realize how fucking dumb you sound? There is undoubtedly glaring similarities between their style and concept choice. Do you ever think for one second — okay, since it’s obviously not plagiarism, what could it be? Could it be that JK is trying to send a fucking message? Or did you ever think for one second that JK could have gone to JM and said, hyung, I really liked what you did, do you mind if I do something similar? They could be laughing and giggling together about the photos literally as we speak, meanwhile people are going after JK with pitchforks saying he’s stealing JM’s story. Fuck off.

Now the question is whether or not they will support PJM2 the way they're pushing seven

This special treatment is for JK and JK only. When we say he is the golden goose that's exactly what we mean. They had plans for him, from day one. He is who they will use to pave the way for BTS and Kpop ig. Idk. Is this for BTS or for themselves? Who tf knows?

Jimin could have done this too. Was doing this. But he isn't who they banked on. Invested in. His success continues to shock them. They had a plan and they refuse to deviate from it.

We saw it coming y'all... why are people mad? Guys, I'm not gonna lie, I'm as as cool as a fucking cucumber. This is my only option. Its either that or join everyone else and be fucking pissed and what good does that do? 😂😂😂

Jimin solos already tagging BH to ask why LC didn't get pushed for radio play like that's gonna do dick. There is a plan in place and there ain't nothing nobody can do to change it.

.

JK didn't steal shit. You're bonkers if you think Jimin wasn't aware of what JK was going to do. And was perfectly okay with it. They are matching on purpose. It's on purpose. Period.

[not-a-cheese-thief]

The new trailer for Ted Lasso season 3 and all the speculation that goes with it about who may or may not end up coming out (or just being queer) has me going kind of crazy. I’ve been on this hell-site for so many years on and off, I’ve seen all the queer baiting, all the desperate hoping and tricking yourself into the belief that this little thing might be a sign. I hyper-fixate on shows, especially on the queer-coded characters, and I long for good queer representation. I’ve been through all of this longing and hoping before, and I’m just getting so sick of it.

Whenever I talk to a het person about Ted Lasso and its lack of any queer characters, they either say “there’s not any yet, there’s another season still to come,” or “one of them might be gay, you don’t know.” Neither of these things are good enough. Neither sentiment makes me think “Yeah, that’ll probably be good enough.” For one thing, we’re two seasons in. If you’re two seasons into a show that is clearly conscious of some forms of diversity, but can’t manage to acknowledge the existence of queerness beyond a slur that was used in the first two minutes, and the occasional joke (usually used to make a female character seem more sexy/intriguing), then can there really be much hope for real, honest queer representation and storytelling in the third and final season?

Will they really get round to the very important question of how homophobia fits into the the toxic masculinity locker room culture that Ted first walked into, and how that affected and continues to affect the mental health of those within it? Will they really tell this (or any) story from the point of view of a queer person, and with the care and nuance it deserves? They’ve had poc characters from the start, but even their storytelling of these characters has been controversial and from many people’s perspectives, problematic. 

I know the history of queer television, I know why queer coding became a powerful way of telling only the people in the know “hey, I see you”. But we’ve moved beyond that, and in a TV show like Ted Lasso, where it so clearly aims to  tell a diverse range of stories, from an accepting and curious point of view, the lack of actual, truely represented, honest queerness is jarring. I’m sick of being presented with crumbs, with jokes that anyone who’s not queer wouldn’t even notice, and being treated like it’s a gift.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Ted Lasso, I love all my Richmond himbos and my darling Keeley. I’ll watch season 3 and I’ll obsess. I’ll keep all my little headcanons. But I just can’t stand all this trying to trick myself into believing we’ll actually get a queer storyline, especially not for a main character. I’ve been there before and it hurts. We deserve better. So I’m including a little list, for the darlings who have actually read this whole post, of my current fav shows with actual queer characters and stories, so that while we deal with all this Ted Lasso anxiety, we can also have some comfort LGBTQIA+ tv too. Please add your favourites too.

Brassic:

I have to put this first even though it’s not necessarily the gayest, because I think anyone and everyone who watches Ted Lasso should watch Brassic. Joe Gilgun co-created the show and stars as the main character Vinnie, and while his diagnosis has changed since the show’s beginning (he’s now discovered he has bpd, not bipolar) the show’s depiction of Vinnie as man living with bipolar disorder is phenomenal. As is the way it introduces and tells the stories of its queer characters; most notably Ash, a gay man from a traditional Irish traveller family, who has my heart (but actually there are very few main characters who I'm convinced are really, totally straight). 

There's a moment in the show when Vinnie encounters some ‘casual’ homophobia, and even though he’s not with anyone queer, even though he doesn’t know the person who said it, and he’s got shit he really has to get on with, he has to call it out. It’s a little moment, in a show with a lot more very gay scenes and storylines, but it’s the kind of thing that just feels so important. Brassic is chaotic and crude and probably too much for a lot of people, but it’s loving too. 

9-1-1: Lone Star:

This one might not be the same high quality television as the others; it’s a first responder drama that tends towards the soapy, but god, I love it. I love the way they write their queer characters, I love the way they write the friendships between them, and the ways that most of the characters are some kind of minority and use their shared experiences of being marginalised and discriminated against to support and be there for each other. 

It's also worth noting that Brian Michael Smith, who plays Paul, a trans man, is the first black trans man to be a series regular on American tv, and that queer actors Ronen Rubinstein and Rafael Silva, who play lovers on the show, were recently on the cover of Out magazine, and are both activists in the queer community. 

Sense8:

It’s so wonderfully, beautifully queer. It’s a scifi, made by the Wachowski sisters, that’s a kind of love letter to the LGBT+ community. I don't think any of the main characters are meant to be straight, it’s all so very, very queer. Please do watch it, just, not with your mum you know.

Our Flag Means Death:

Gay pirates. Non-binary pirates. New Zealand accents on characters that are definitely not meant to be from New Zealand. What more could you want?

Vico Ortiz, who is non-binary, apparently cried when they read the script because the writers (three of whom are also non-binary) had taken such care to create space for the non-binary character, Jim. You can honestly feel that care when watching the show.

The Last of Us:

I’m sorry. I’m not a gamer and don’t know anything about the game, but every time I yell at my gamer friend who made me watch the show for making me watch it, they just laugh knowingly and say it's only getting worse. So I’m sorry, but yeah, you should still watch it. 

[multi-fandom-agereg]

☁️ getting better ☁️

(a positive vent about my mental health.)

Cw: meds, depression and BPD mention (will mention BPD and mention I may have it. But I'm not self diagnosing since I'm not sure!) ⚠️

I can, (hopefully) officially say I'm getting better. I finally got back on Adderall for my ADHD. And honestly? I feel like a brand new person. And it's something I don't say alot. If, at all.

I feel ashamed for what I did yesterday. I was so mad that I lashed out on my grandma and it wasn't fair on her for me to do that with. So we made up and I'm going to do my best to treat her better. + Help around the house once I'm able to officially get my knee brace

I'm going to try and work on my mental health including my depression. So I'm going to take another break to put my family and school first. Once I know I'm able to balance the Internet, family and school all at once I'll be back:] and I will start working on my inbox and finish my drafts. I've been putting them off for about a year now, and I think that needs to change

Until then, I'm going to focus on my knee brace situation, getting better grades and hopefully a autism diagnosis that I desperately need rn lol. Also I think I have BPD. My mom has it and it can be generic so- I'm going to look into it with my therapist.

It's going to get better. I can feel it. I just wish my grandpa was still here to see it. I'm sure he'd be proud of me

(silly image because I feel also equally silly)

[caitybobo]

I've decided that i'm going to start writing here more. I like to journal and I always have. I forgot that when I was 13/14 years old I would get home and immediately log into my journal. I had entries from 2003 on there.

Anyway, I was telling my friend Amanda about how much Taylor means to me, and it was really getting into all of the things. Masking, AuDHD, mental illness, relationships, loss, etc.

So one of the first things I told her about was when Midnights came out and what was going on in my life in October 2022 when it was released.

October 2022... I will set the stage. Provide some needed context.

My partner and I got married in July of 2022, and we were going on our Honeymoon in November 2022.

At our wedding in July, my mom (the alcoholic who raised me), just absolutely acted in true BPD fashion and made her emotions known and did not speak to me, my partner, or my daughter for the entire day. Then she left the hotel the next morning without saying good-bye and didn't text me again until September (my sister's bday actually) and told me that she was TRIGGERED so that's why she acted that way and actually her AND her doctor agree that *I* owe her an apology for the way I treated her.

Needless to say, near my 2nd wedding anniversary, I have not seen my mother since my wedding day. We are estranged. She is dead to me. And I do not say that lightly. The most recent contact she made was the week after Mother's day this year. Emailing me about my sibling's (who I have been supporting emotionally, financially, etc since October 2023) student loan payment. And how she "gots no money" to pay for it. I pre-emptively blocked her cell phone number. There is truly NOTHING she could do short of heal from a lifetime of trauma, and do some serious self-reflection and apologizing tour for me to want to speak to her again.

How does this relate to Taylor Swift? Well, in October 2022, I was in a new job with an amazing and supportive manager who I was honest with about my estrangement and was incredibly kind to me as I navigated that (he also knew my mother). I was enjoying my new job, however things at home were not going well. Looking back now my partner was being incredibly abusive (emotionally) and I was enabling it by being co-dependent and we would get into hours long arguments. I was honestly struggling but I didn't even know it.

October 21, 2022 Midnights is released. I liked Taylor Swift, but I wasn't even aware a new album was coming out before it was released. I woke up and Spotify suggested it to me. I didn't realize this album was going to save me over and over again.

The entire album was everything to me at the time. When I listened to it a few months into my marriage to a partner who wasn't treating me right, I was like, how is this not a break up album? lol.

October 21, 2022 I began listening exclusively to the tracklist of Midnights (3am Edition). From the morning October 21 until Wednesday, October 26th I had listened to the album for about 12 hours per day. Wednesday, October 26th was the day I found out my cousin, Jennifer had died. She died by suicide, and left behind her two small kids and her husband. Jennifer was my mom's sister's kid. She was also estranged from her mom (my aunt). I wanted so badly to go back in time. To reach out to her. I knew she was struggling, but I never knew how much. Fuck. I haven't grieved Jennifer.

Back to Midnights. This album was so sad. So fuckn sad man. Or was I sad? lololllll. Or both?

The song, Mastermind, hit me in the feels. As an AuDHD person, I didn't realize how much of my plotting & planning is "abnormal" or "crazy". But I related to the lyrics of mastermind. And from the release of Midnights, until the release of 1989 (Taylor's Version), I only listened to Midnights. I did listen to All Too Well (Ten Minute Version) (Taylor's Version) (From the Vault) 48 times in one month. But other than that it was Midnights.

I remember thinking the song Mastermind reminded me of Jennifer, too. When I read back on our old conversations I was like, omgggggggggg we are twins. I needed her more than I realize. But what had me bursting into tears was the bridge

"No one wanted to play with me as a little kid

so I've been scheming like a criminal ever since

to make them love me and make it seem effortless

this is the first time I've felt the need to confess

and I swear

I'm only cryptic and Machiavellian

'cause I care"

When I heard it I sobbed. Jennifer and I were both AuDHD I know this now. We both masked so fucking hard. It's not your fault and I forgive you.

I love you and miss you Jenny.

And thank you @taylorswift for saving my life in October 2022.

[kaddyssammlung]

The Love You Want - Analysis

The Love You Want

“You lie an inch apart on your own continuum”

Don't we all do that somehow? We all percieve the world through our filters of our past and therefore we all kind of do that. It's really hard to overcome stuff like this. This is part of my daily “business”. Becoming aware of those filters and taking new paths.

“Now keep the freakshow talk to a careful minimum”

This takes me back to times where everything felt so dramatic and serious and I took myself very seriously. There was no distance between my actions and my thinking. I acted on every impulse without being able to have any control. I was told that I seemed crazy quite a lot. I can't really blame anyone. I would describe them as crazy times. Being hung over a lot or rather all the time did not really help. Drinking a lot messes with your perception.

“I'll find a different harbor to lay my anchor in”

Next time I want to break up with someone I'm going to say exactly this XD.

Let's see how she will react.

Okay this is kind of evil but I interpret this this way.

“And you'll find a different way to keep from setting sail again”

I don't fully understand this. Does he mean that they should not be with someone? I mean they can set sail and then find someone else? Right?!

To me this is about breaking up with someone.

“But I'm still full of the love you want”

Really? I don't know if that is good. When I think back about “Like That” and the way that you were treated, Vessel then I don't know if this is something good. It's nice that you are full of love though.

“still waking up beneath it all”

It's makes me think about the countless times he kind of refers to being under the water or being caught somehow. It sounds like “waking up beneath it all” is like a nightmare.

“I'll reach for you on faith alone”

This is interesting yet I can't really place it. Because faith in what?!

“Seems your heart is locked up and I still get the combination wrong”

I get what he is saying but I wonder who this is directed towards. Does he mean Sleep? Is there someone else?

Other than that I really like this image that he creates with this.

Maybe their heart is locked up for protection? Maybe they want to protect themselves or others also?

“or are you simply waiting to save your love for someone I am not?”

This reminds me of me kind of being an asshole during the last summer. There was someone out there who really wanted to get to know me better but I totally “blocked” her. Idk if we would have been good for each other. I will never find out.

“Too many swallowed keys will make you bleed internally someday”

I get the analogy. The keys that he used to try to open up their heart. But this also leaves a strange taste in my mouth. As if it maybe also hints at other strange behaviors. Maybe something eating or disordered eating related? I have no idea.

But also, yes the swallowed keys will kind of kill you. Meaning that if someone does not want to open their heart for you then you can't make them.

It also makes me think about the guy where I buy my alchemical substances from. He refers to them as “keys”. Let's say I have trouble with opening my heart then I would use something to activate that chakra.

You could then say that this substance is like a key to my heart chakra :)

“Maybe, you believe that in the end You will be better off that way?”

Yes, I do. It's easier with my BPD. If no one is with me then I don't have to be afraid that someone will leave me. Thank you for calling me out again.

In the video Vessel is being “killed” and then ends up in the same place as in the begging of the video. It makes me think about reincarnation. Since I'm someone who believes in that, too. The only way to “escape” this is through ascension. That's just how I see it.

[finyx7733]

06/06/24

Affirmations: I am worthy of love I am capable of great things I am not a burden I am made of stardust and magick

How do I feel physically today? I feel really good today. I managed to fall asleep around 10pm last night and didn't wake up until 8 am this morning. I guess I needed the sleep. My body feels well rested and I am ready to take on the day.

Am I intellectually stimulated? I have been doing some research on Paganism and BPD, so I would say yes, I am being intellectually stimulated. It feels nice to be doing something productive and I feel like I am learning a lot. I will post my findings at a later time once I have more information.

How do I feel emotionally today? I am feeling great! my mood has improved greatly since yesterday. I don't feel like crying or breaking anything. I feel at peace, which is a rare thing for me, but it's been happening more and more since I moved here. I had a nice cup of tea this morning and just sat with my thoughts. I put it out into the Universe that today was going to be a good day and so far it has been.

How do I feel spiritually today? Like I said before I feel at peace today, my spirit is calm. I've already started practicing what I'm learning. This morning while I was making my tea I did a little manifestation spell, a prayer that today would be a great day and that I would have the energy to finish the tasks I set out for myself and so far it worked. I am looking forward to learning more and using what I learn in my everyday life.

Today is a lazy day for me, I have to clean the closet and declutter the bedroom but other than that I don't really have anything planned. Mimi is heading to work around 1 and boy is she just not ready to go. Poor thing is super sleepy and drained. I now know why I've been manic and overly emotional this past week, usually a week before my period starts I am an absolute wreck, my emotions fluctuate I go from being manic to being severely depressed. Well, this morning it decided to rear its ugly head. Which means this week is going to be emotional for me. I'm hoping this won't be the case but that is how it usually goes.

Last Mother's Day Mimi's mom, Whom I will not refer to as my mom, taught me how to crochet and I absolutely LOVE it. I am working on two blankets one for myself and one for Mimi. I'm hoping to have them finished by next winter, I'm a beginner so my progress is a little slow but I'm really proud of the quality. Mom says she is surprised at how well I'm doing. This makes me feel really good. I'll post pictures of my progress. I am really grateful for Mimi's mom, she is the kindest woman who welcomed me into her life with open arms. My own mother died from small-cell lung cancer seven years ago and life just hasn't been the same. Our relationship when I was growing up was very strained, she had her own mental health issues she was struggling with, and at times she would take that out on me, but as I grew up and became an adult our relationship flourished and she became one of my closest friends. When she died I was left to pick up the pieces, it's something I still struggle with. Mimi's mom treats me like one of her own and it warms my heart and brings me a peace I didn't know I would ever feel again. I've been doing a lot of research on BPD there are so many things I do because of this illness that I never even realized. It is helping me to understand myself better and I am looking into coping skills and something called DBT. I'm compiling notes so I can make sense of things. I can get sidetracked fairly easily so sometimes research is difficult for me. Mimi and I are watching a movie called The Stand, it's really good. I know they made it into a TV series I'll have to watch it. I really enjoy the movie so I'm sure I'll enjoy the TV series. Well, I am going to watch the movie and do some more research. Ta for now. <3 Fi

[galacticwildfire]

Leading on from something I reblogged earlier, nothing inspires me more than the fact that the majority of people who partake in my university course are aged probably 40 and over. I live at home due to financial and health reasons and study online. Due to this I've always been hung up on not having that typical uni experience, that's until I actually see that the varse majority of people enrolled aren't fresh out of high school or even their early twenties. They're people with kids and who are coming out of twenty year long careers or longer and studying their passions for no reason other than the fact it brings them happiness. It reminds me that life doesn't end at twenty one and that this ticking clock is just something of my imagination that this hustle cultures put there.

I've had this idea in my head my entire life I'd go into academia, now it's looking like that isn't going to happen both because of grades and because I've realised it just isn't quite for me after three years now of study. I've discovered I have multiple chronic illnesses that I'm learning to live with, mental and physical, after struggling for years without knowing why. My parents are probably going to split up this year and I've learned that I'd rather be single than force myself into a miserable marriage for the sake of societal expectations and to have a marriage, house and kids by the age of 25 like my parents did.

I'm also coming to realise and learn now that if people who have grandchildren are discovering and pursuing their passions then it's never too late to change paths and find what makes you truly happy. It's why I love 90's television, because so many sitcoms are based on people in their mid twenties and thirties finding their way when society is telling me in 2024 that because I'm twenty one without thousands in savings and a serious relationship that I've already failed at life. Watching the nanny also made me realise that I probably won't find myself for a long time to come, that I'll have shitty jobs and shitty relationships and that I'll come out better for it when I'm in my thirties and later. That university isn't the prime of my life despite what I've been told and that it's only just really begun.

I live in a small town where all my immediate friends are in serious relationships and having babies whilst I'm still trying to navigate how to live with these illnesses. I spent five years on and off heavy psychiatric medications whilst being undiagnosed because of the stigma surrounding bpd, hell I'm still officially undiagnosed despite about five doctors having told me that I have it but that they won't or can't officially diagnose me. My old psychologist wanted to diagnose me at seventeen but the governments mental health team refused because they wanted to be able to remove me from the system. Now at twenty one it's on my file as a prognosis and at this point it'll stay that way since I cannot physically access the resources to treat it and doctors don't want to be liable for not providing the proper care. As a result I've been put on medications that have done more damage than good, I've had psychotic and nervous breakdowns that I never really fully recovered from. I was mentally sharper at 13 than I am at 21 due to the medications having affected my memory and cognitive function, and I'm only just beginning to learn to live with that.

Only in the past month I've discovered pcos has been a contributing factor to this with my hormones being completely fucked. I gained twenty kg's, lost fifteen, and then gained the twenty back because of pcos, insulin resistance and quetiapine whilst being told I simply needed to eat less (i was bulimic and starving myself for days at a time). When I began univeristy it was a three year degree I convinced myself I'd finish in just over two years by taking extra classes, now It's going to take nearly four years because of my health problems. I'd planned on doing an honours and then a masters, it looks like I'm going to do neither and I'm learning to be okay with that.

Writing is what I plan to make a career out of, and now as I'm finishing my degree I'm aiming to finish my own original manuscript with the tools I've learned since writing is the one thing I never tire of. I didn't take a creative writing degree because of the pressure from people around me, but I spent years researching history to the point I'd be confident writing historical fiction and screenplays along with articles for public consumption rather than brutal academic criticisms. I've often said studying history at a university level's killed so much of my passion for it because it seems to discourage rather than encourage further study due to the cultural nature of academia.

It's brutal and I've seen so many masters students almost quit, or just quite entirely, because an asshole professor's torn years worth of work to shreds whilst another professor praised them for the exact same piece of work because it's so damn subjective. But because one singular person decided they didn't agree with their thesis or didn't think it was important, they've been all but blocked from continuing on the pathway they've spent years pursuing and unfortunately most people don't have the money to support themselves to retake an entire course because a person who had free university fifty years ago took a dislike to them.

I'm at the point in my life where I'm getting answers to my medical problems and focusing on balancing those and learning to live with them whilst accepting that the plans I made at 17 aren't going to turn out as I'd planned, but that it's okay because I have years to be where I want to be and that life doesn't end because I hadn't gotten there at 21. In ten years I might discover something else that brings me joy that I'm passionate about, hell in thirty years, and I might just change course then as well and be one of those people in my classes who have accomplished so much in their lives and have decided to go and pursue those passions instead of following the career they were forced to choose at eighteen and expected to stick with their entire lives. I'm finally learning that I need to curate my life and career around what is reasonable for myself instead of forcing myself to live up to other peoples expectations.

[aspd-culture]

a little bit of a vent but also a question. someone said i was “collecting disorders” and now i feel like shit. all because i wanted the aspd role in a discord server because i think i have aspd when i already think i have bpd/npd and have those roles. they pretty much lied about me too about other things in order to make me look bad and “call me out”. i was so stressed and paralyzed. my heart started racing and my stomach dropped. i feel like i went into flight mode. i hate confrontation. i didn’t defend myself because i thought that would make me look like a loser who cares. i thought to myself they’re not worth a reaction anyways. i decided that defending myself is not worth the mental hassle. they can think what they want and it doesn’t matter to me. this is just fan behavior. this is how i justified not defending myself and just leaving the server (which i don’t like in the first place).can a person with aspd have this type of a reaction? i feel like the typical reaction would be to fight back but im so tired of fighting and the toll it takes on me. i get such an adrenaline rush and my body starts shaking and i feel the need to fight but these days i just can’t. these fights aren’t worth it to me anymore. these people don’t deserve my effort, even if it’s a fight.

Ooo let's see if I can piss off an ableist today (not you, the people who say bs like "collecting disorders"). I have 8 professionally diagnosed mental health conditions, one I am currently in the process of being assessed for, and a handful of other symptoms we have as of yet been unable to place under a particular diagnosis.

There is no such thing as "collecting diagnoses" and that phrase is arguably one of the most ableist things I have ever been forced to read and hear multiple times since the beginning of my mental health journey. The gall of some people to *make fun* of another person and accusing them of faking because they struggle with more disorders than you think is acceptable? Fuck that. Blatant and obvious ableism. You are valid. Idc how many diagnoses you have, self or otherwise, you are valid to me because I am not a professional and even if I was, I am not your professional.

The DSM-V specifically calls out that multiple cluster b disorders can be diagnosed comorbid. They have similar development criteria so it makes sense that if you have one, there is an increased chance you may have more than one. In fact, if you have been diagnosed with one pd, you are more likely to be diagnosed with a second one than you were to be diagnosed with the first.

What you described from them is some major fan behavior, and I'm proud of you for leaving the server. That is exactly what I would have done for the same reasons. Let them talk, they are just showing everyone who matters how ableist they are anyway. And for the record, the people they are trying to seem cool to (reddit-type ableists) are already going to hate them for being in a mental health server.

They are playground bullies and I'll tell you what I learned about playground bullies very young; the easiest way to ruin their day is to completely ignore what they're saying.

They thrive off the attention and validation they get from your hurt and your anger. The fact that you left ruined their fun, I promise. Maybe they kept talking shit to try and make it fun again, but deep down each of them knows that once the person they attempted to victimize neither shrunk down nor got angry, it was no fun anymore.

So yeah, many pwASPD may have fought back against it, but it is definitely aspd-culture to ruin their fun and get the ultimate revenge of refusing them the dopamine of a reaction.

You did a great job, and you *are* valid. It sucks that you had to deal with them, and anything you feel about it is valid too. There are people who won't treat you that way, I promise.