#so essentially i’ve been spending 11 hours in bed but only sleeping for 6 of them

[fingertipsmp3]

I’m about to tear my house apart looking for my blackout curtains that I know exist somewhere so I can destroy my circadian rhythm. How are you guys doing

[trellanyx]

your jonathan crane (who i love so very much) and numbers 1 through... oh, lets say 25 ;)

(Send me a character and a number)

Have I told you how much I love you lately, Lizard? Because I do. Oh yes I do. 😂

Word vomiting about my Jon in 3, 2, 1...

1) Something this character is truly proud of.

His work, of course. Not just the toxin, but the breadth of his knowledge, his experiments, his successes and vengeances. Jonathan is an expert in his field, and considering what he went through to get there he’s damn proud of it.

2) Who they want to please the most.

Jonathan Crane does not give a single solitary fuck about what anyone thinks of him. The only satisfaction he cares about is his own. Considering how high his standards are, that’s a big enough challenge already.

3) Who depends on them.

No one. Jon may make you think you need him if that serves his end goal, but other than that he keeps his distance. If you’re in a position where you actually depend on Jonathan Crane’s services, you’re fucked.

4) What they would do if they had one month to live.

Work feverishly to A) preserve his work and B) push it as far as it can go before his body betrays him. Jon would be pulling such long, intense hours that it’s quite possible he’d drop dead before the month was up from sheer exhaustion. If he doesn’t, then he takes his magnum opus and goes out with a hell of a bang.

5) A cherished personal belonging.

Nothing. He has things he likes more than most: a tortoiseshell watch, a spring-loaded gun, his sturdiest boots, his sharpest scythe - the whole fear gauntlet, actually, impractical as it was - but nothing he’d go as far as to say he cherishes. Everything Jon owns is expendable, and no matter how attached he might be to something, there’s nothing he wouldn’t chuck in a fire instantly if he needed to. 

6) Something they lost, but would love to have back.

“Unlimited access to test subjects wrapped in a stable paycheck. Arkham’s much more fun on the other side of the straitjacket.”

7) This character’s favorite character

I give up. It’s been days. Days that this post has sat in my drafts while I tried to think of this asshole’s favorite character, and I’ve got nothing. I’ve come up with a couple of disparate headcanons involving Jon and fiction in general, but I have no answer for this one. I offer this as a placeholder: “He doesn’t have any because he’s a contrary and insufferable bastard.”

8) What kind of car they would drive.

Dark, boring, older than sin. The gas pedal is the most abused piece of equipment in South Gotham. There’s a stain on the backseat floor that Jon says is coffee, and no one is brave enough to question him. Edward refuses to be seen dead in it. One day Jon’s gonna take that as a challenge.

9) What calms them when they are upset.

It really depends on the type of distress that it is. The basic scale is this:

Drumming his nails against things, or just tapping against the nearest flat surface if his nails aren’t long enough. (Common response to most grievances.)

Stepping outside for a smoke. He goes back inside when he either feels better or runs out of cigarettes.

Pacing inside or stalking through the streets like he’s on his way to kill somebody, taking small, petty pleasure watching people jump out of his way.

Stewing in a corner with a bottle of strong alcohol.

Actually killing somebody.

10) How they deal with pain.

Grits his teeth and bears it. The first lesson he ever learned.

11) This character’s favorite piece or pieces of clothing.

As Scarecrow: His plague doctor mask, which replaced the traditional burlap after he stopped being able to feel fear.

As Jon: Custom winter gloves with longer fingers to accommodate his nails in the winter.

12) How they sleep.

I’ve talked about this before, actually! Here’s the quote:

Since he suffers from chronic insomnia and chronic I Have No Idea What Healthy Habits Look Like, Jonathan doesn’t go to bed very often. He’s more likely to pass out wherever he is - couch, desk, once on a morgue slab (don’t ask)… But when he does sleep in a bed, he tosses and turns a ridiculous amount. It’s not that he’s having nightmares (though with the way he moves, how could you tell), he just has a hard time getting comfortable. He’ll turn over at least 3-6 times before falling asleep, and he’ll keep shifting even after he does. It’s very common for Jonathan to fall asleep with three blankets and wake up with only one.

13) What kind of parent they would be.

*hysterical laughter* NO.

14) How they did in school.

He struggled with it a lot. Not because of a lack of intelligence or drive, but because:

Constant undernourishment and late night punishments made it difficult for Jon to stay awake in class. (His insomnia didn’t develop until he was in his early 20s.)

His homework was often late or mediocre because Jon did it after being beaten or kept busy with his grandmother’s laborious demands, if he was in a state to do it at all.

Jon’s glasses were almost never up to date. Constant squinting compounded by what Jon now knows were chronic migraines made class not only difficult to concentrate on, but physically painful.

Bullying. I don’t think I need to elaborate there.

Jon barely eked out a GPA high enough to get him into a local community college with the help of a scholarship targeted toward low-income families. Once his grandmother and bullies “helpfully” left the picture and Jon could focus on eliminating the obstacles above, he threw himself into his studies like a man possessed, and by the time he graduated, he’d secured himself entry to a post-baccalaureate program in Gotham. He used that as a stepping stone to med school and the rest is history.

15) What cologne or perfume they would use.

Jon doesn’t like either. His only indulgence in the smell department is almond-scented soap.

16) Their sexuality.

It varies depending on what version of him I’m playing, but it’s always either bi or gay.

17) What they’d sing at karaoke.

Something slow, creepy and mournful, probably not even on the set list, while he stares at you unblinking and makes you regret every decision in your life that helped force him onstage. You don’t ask for an encore.

18) Special talents they have.

Jon is double-jointed, a great whistler, sews all his costumes and is an adequate mechanic. See the “should be dead twelve times over” car he still drives. He’s also a better swimmer than people give him credit for, something that’s saved his life more than once.

19) When they feel safest.

In front of a fireplace. Jon can’t really explain it, nor does it make sense considering how much he hates heat in general. But there’s something about sitting in front of a fire that really relaxes him. (Don’t bother with the scarecrow/fire jokes, he’s heard them all.)

20) Household chore they hate the most.

Bathrooms.

21) Their fondest childhood memory.

“Killing them.”

22) How they spend their money.

Books, chemicals, caffeine, alcohol, weapons. And then living essentials. Maybe. Depends on how low he is on nicotine. (Jon’s spending habits are so predictable it became a running joke on campus, what did you expect.)

23) What kind of alcohol they drink.

He’s not picky, but nothing beats a finely aged whiskey. He’s also partial to Black Russians.

24) What they wish they could change about themselves.

Useful as it can be, Jon regrets the loss of his ability to feel fear. He also wishes he didn’t get migraines so often. Nothing on the personality front, though: Jon knows what he is.

25) What other people wish they could change about them.

Oh honey, there’s not enough hours in the day to list all that.

[fortheloveoffanfic]

Put Me In a Movie

Keanu Reeves x Reader(A/n- I’ve been meaning to post this since last week, but I’m lazy.)

Summary Prologue  1   2   3  4  5  6 7  8  9  10 11 12

Warnings- Angst

Chapter 13- Hold Me Without Hurting Me

The pack had started warming in his hands, and eventually, Keanu couldn't bring himself to do much more than toss it back to the table and listlessly drag himself back to his trailer, which neighbored Y/n’s. Standing outside, between both metal contraptions; his on the right and hers on the left, he contemplated knocking on Y/n’s instead. He didn’t like the way their earlier interaction had ended; with her in tears, storming out and essentially ending their relationship. 

It was his fault, he’d pushed her.

Keanu had almost made the trek up the steps, almost knocked on the door, almost begged her to take him back. He’d almost done a lot of things, like let himself fall. But alas, for everything he’d almost done, there were a dozen more that he'd done wrong and in the end, he’d just slunk back into the cold cocoon of his own trailer, flopping onto the sofa, groaning as he threw his head back. It hurt though the insistent throbbing, the slight pull of his stitches and heaviness over his left eye felt like nothing compared the new hollowness in his chest.

Truthfully, Keanu hadn't meant for things to go the way they had, it was never his intention to have her leave for good. But it was so foreign to him; it had been a while since he'd been with a woman who'd looked at him the way Y/n had, who's touch alone was enough to remedy physical pain. Who could make his lips tremble but slow his anxious heart at the same time. She was different in other ways too; usually, the girls he dated were willing to go with whatever he wanted, anything just to keep him interested. Sometimes, though more times than he preferred to admit, Keanu would find himself realizing that a woman only adored him for what he was, rather than who he was. But Y/n…….Y/n actually cared. Y/n loved him.

Even if he’d given her a million reasons not to.

Love.

The word made an unwarranted panic rise up in Keanu’s chest. He wasn’t sure if he felt that way, when you feel it, you should know right? But Keanu didn’t know. All he knew was that he wanted her back, unashamedly and quite selfishly, even if he wasn’t sure what his feelings were. Maybe they could patch things up with an emotional band aid, just enough so he could have her, though without letting himself get too submerged. Keanu wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment anyway. He wasn’t the type.

At least, that was what he’d told himself. Convinced himself.

But he was lying to himself. Keanu was always lying to himself

Maybe he really should make things right, heedlessly hold on until he could sort himself out, until he could find a way to to shift things, so if they ever did walk away, he could leave unscathed. Control. That was what he wanted, control. Control over their feelings, over the way everyone saw them, over the way he saw himself. 

Control, he would find it.

Production had been halted for the rest of the evening, and by extension, the two days following Keanu’s accident, hopefully giving him enough time to grasp his bearings. It was without warning, though Y/n understood the circumstances and was immensely grateful for the down time, hoping that she too could manage to pull herself together before they’d face each other again.

Nearly a day had passed, going on twenty four whole hours since she’d left Keanu sitting on a plastic chair in an air conditioned trailer that smelt like Hydrogen-Peroxide and disinfectant, tossing a beady ice pack to his chest, earning herself nothing more than a surprised ‘omph’ in the process. Since then, she’d fluttered through a range of emotions; anger at his reluctance, gnawing sorrow because he couldn’t return her love and finally, frustration when Keanu hadn’t made the slightest effort to swing by her room and pretend to be sorry. 

All she wanted was to get him back, so she could put aside the doubt, at least for a while. Y/n didn’t like the feeling that came with his absence, and even if being with him felt like she was sinking slowly, drowning in a whirlpool resulting from her own devices, being without Keanu felt like she was being pulled under ice cold water, suddenly and without the strength to swim herself to recovery. 

By then her bed had become a haven, one that still held his scent, even if the sheets had been changed. Perhaps it was just her imagination. Y/n had spent far too much time there since she’d returned to the hotel, only ever leaving for lengthy showers or to get food. Not much else seemed appealing anyway and the rest of the hotel would just remind her of everything that she’d poured into Keanu. She ruined things with a good man for him, almost dismantled her relationship with her father for him, sacrificed half her sanity, just for him. And still, it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t enough.

Maybe nothing would be enough for him.

Yet, Y/n still clutched hope close to her chest; Keanu would knock on her door, tell her he was sorry and ask her to take him back. She’d do it in a heartbeat too, even if she was almost sure that he’d be lying. Believing his lies; it had already become her norm anyway. There was a toxicity that came with loving him, and Y/n could readily recognize it; you shouldn't have to swallow up lies when  affections ran as deep as hers, you shouldn’t cry yourself to sleep or have to convince yourself that they care either. But she’d done it, and in the name of hope, she’d keep doing it, until she couldn’t any longer. 

A fretful huff left her chapped lips and shoving the sheets away, Y/n aimlessly hoped that running her hands through her tangled hair would do something to dismiss the thoughts of Keanu; as much as she loved him, she really did want to stop thinking of him. It wasn’t like she could do much about their break up anyway, she’d broken up with him and he hadn’t really done much to stop it. 

As she sat up, Y/n surveyed the room, dimmed by the incoming evening, merely the silhouettes of furniture remaining visible in the hazy room. The air conditioner ran on high, offering a chill to combat the thick, comfortable layers she’d sought refuge in and the remote to the television mounted to the wall remained her only companion. Her phone was somewhere around too, probably hidden away beneath the room service menu on the nightstand, Y/n could hear it buzzing every once in a while, but couldn't summon up the will to pick it up. She’d get back to whoever it was, at some point. 

For a solid minute, she just sat there, immersed in the sea of fabric, wondering if she’d be spending the night the same way she’d wasted the day; sulking in between wine induced naps. Though, three brisk knocks on the front door interrupted her muddy thoughts, causing Y/n to groan as she tumbled out of the bed. On her way to the door, she finished a glass of red that had been sitting beneath her unlit lamp and once again ran her fingers through her hair, that time to vanquish any traces of telling bed head. 

With a strained sigh, Y/n took the knob in her hand, pulling the door open, ready to tell whoever it was that she was busy. But at the sight of the offender, the words didn’t come, stifled by the hope pluming in her chest, “You’re…... “ With glassy eyes and quivering lips, Y/n tried to seem as cool as possible, though she knew the over sized sweatshirt and loose booty shorts, along with the redness in her eyes and flush in her cheeks would be a dead give away.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed sadly when Keanu found that Y/n probably wasn’t going to say much more. His lips were set in a deep frown and the bandage protecting his sutures had been recently changed and switched out for a smaller one. Keanu's hair looked almost as frazzled as Y/n's and she wondered if he'd been nervous about going to see her. "I never meant to hurt you," he carried on softly, exhaling as he shoved his fists into the pockets of worn jeans, "I just-"

Despite her mind's protest, a nagging thought reminding Y/n that she was making it too easy, she held the door open a bit wider, the fondness in her heart growing at just the thought of Keanu wanting her back, "Why don't you come in?"

He seemed stunned at first, eyes widening with confusion and jaw going slack, but eventually gave in and Keanu knew that it would be a lie if he wasn't secretly hoping that things could be that easy, "Okay," he nodded wearily, "Thanks." 

Now standing in the living room, the orange glow from the setting sun washing the room through the glass balcony doors, casting a burnt hue on the furniture and floors, Y/n thought that the atmosphere felt choked and a little clumsy. She couldn’t tell if Keanu was being genuine or not, but she did know that she was going to believe him, just so things could go back to being okay for a while. He stood about a foot away, shoulders hung and head down cast, directed to their feet, still though, she had to look up at him, not meeting his gaze, but desperately searching for some truth in his expression. “What I said yesterday,” Keanu swallowed thickly, shaking his head, “I didn’t mean it when I said that you were smothering me, I just wasn’t expecting you to care that much.”

“I’ve always cared that much,” Y/n turned her face away, not wanting Keanu to see her feelings, he’d already hurt them so much. Her fingers toyed with the cuffs of her grey sweatshirt as she awaited more, eventually trying to propel it with; “Is that what you came here to say?”

“Yeah,” he sighed heavily, removing a hand from his pocket to run it through his tousled hair, scrubbing his nails through his salt and pepper beard before letting it fall haplessly to his side again, “And to ask you for a second chance. I want us to work on this,” finally, he looked at her, and Y/n let their gazes meet. She searched his eyes, only finding turmoil and swirling confusion there. It was nothing like what she offered him; love, admiration and adoration. 

Maybe she could find it there though, one day.

“I……” Don’t do it, he doesn’t care as much as you do. Don’t do it, he doesn’t care at all. Nothing’s gonna change, don’t do it! But Y/n didn’t listen, logic was a dry pill that was too hard to swallow she wasn’t willing to believe that Keanu would hurt her again, even though she knew it was the truth. They had so much to work out before they could even think about being together, they were hurt people, who in the end, would inevitably hurt people, but Y/n didn’t care. She never did. She wanted what they had when he made her laugh, when he touched her and sparked life in shadowy depths of her soul. 

She was selfish enough to want him, despite their brokenness.

“I want that too,” Y/n eventually nodded, dragging herself towards Keanu, thoughtlessly letting herself sink into his sullen embrace. His arms, circling her waist, felt warm, though not in the way she’d expected to. Instead, it was like being enveloped in hot, empty air. It was just a gesture, nothing more than the act. That was in actuality, but in her head, she could feel what he poured into it, convinced herself that this was what he wanted, that things were going to work this time. 

But unless they learned to grow up,  stitch themselves back together,  they wouldn’t. 

But she could hope. Hope that one day, there would be more than emptiness. Hope that at some point he’d change his mind and fall in love with her.

Y/n could always hope

******

Tagging- @harrisongslimited​  @paanchu786​  @thesadvampire​  @fanficsrusz​  @fickensteinn​  @ladyreapermc​  @babygirltaina​  @septimaseverina​  @snatchedbylele​  @omg-imagine @21stcenturyyfoxx​  @magnificentclodpiebanana @allie1804-fan @keandrews  @greenmanalishi  @rdjloverxxx​  @danceoftwowolves​

[jtrbluv]

need(y) | jjk

pairing: jungkook x reader

genre: angst/fluff

word count: 3.6k

warnings: swearing

request: Hello!! Could I get a jungkook angst/fluff imagine where you guys are becoming distant and you leave for some space and he doesn’t know and thinks that you left him?? Sorry if it’s confusing, thank youuuu :)

a/n: sheesh! this was not supposed to be this long HAHA. sorry this took so long to write school just started and it’s fr kicking my ass. i’ve already gotten so much hw for the first week grrrr. i rushes the ending a bit so i’m not quite satisfied and i didn’t edit it either so um sorry about it LOL. anyways thanks for requesting this anon!! in honor of his bday too ig haha, hope u enjoy it :)

☏ ☏ ☏

Missed Calls:

y/n <3 (11)

6:45- lmk when ur coming home i can’t wait to see you <33

8:30- u must be busy at the studio it’s okay i’ll wait

9:47- hey it’s okay if ur coming late but could u just give me a heads up

11:02- jungkook?

12:17- happy belated anniversary to you too ig

1:56- i needa stop getting my hopes up huh

Being in a relationship with a worldwide famous idol is never easy. Learning to understand and appreciate the value of the relationship regardless of its limited-time came easy to you. That’s one of the reasons why he became interested in you in the first place. You never came off as overbearing and clingy and you always understood why things had to be different. And that added to the list of things he already absolutely adored about you.

It had been a year since Jungkook had confessed to you backstage that night, asking you to be his lover and promising that he would cherish you like no one ever will. And you can confidently say he very much did at the beginning, commonly known as the honeymoon stage. Things only started to fizzle out and go downhill a few months ago. His group was scheduled for a new comeback. He was promoting and traveling around the world while you were on the sidelines and comfort of your home, cheering him and his group on. Daily texts and calls kept both of you grounded and steady, but as time passed by, those texts and calls ceased to exist. You had been constantly ignored and you didn’t think much of it at first, after all, he was a busy man with a busy schedule. The tour had finally been coming to an end and he’d have the opportunity to come home to you, just in time for your one year anniversary. He had flown in 2 weeks precedent to your anniversary, and fuck, you were so happy to be with him again.

He had made a promise to you that you two would get to spend a lot more time together as he was coming back. You two had finally been living together again after what seemed like years as his group had gotten a break after such a hectic year. He would go to his company need to work on future projects and such and it didn’t bother you at first. He would typically come back home late while you were sleeping and leave early in the morning before you would wake up. As it occurred more frequently, you started to become more concerned. He was finally home for once and he wasn’t even making time to see you. You didn’t want to seem annoying and clingy so you decided to push these thoughts to the back of your head and keep them to yourself.

-

You had agreed to have a celebration at home, figuring all the restaurants in the vicinity would be closed by the time he’d get home. You patiently waited in the living room, coffee table filled with his favorite foods and snacks you were able to pick up at the local convenience store. He had told you the night before he’d be coming home at 9, a little later than you liked, but you let it slide nonetheless. You essentially cherished all the time you had with him anyway, whether it be a minute, an hour, or a month.

You mindlessly sat in the living room, not paying attention to whatever was playing on the TV. Your ears were constantly alert and peeled, waiting for a familiar car to pull up to your driveway. Your eyes constantly shifted back to your front window, scanning the neighborhood to see if he was back yet or not.

Time ticked by like molasses, your patience and tolerance wavering as it went on. There were no signs of him and he wasn’t answering any of your calls and texts. You were in complete disbelief at the fact that he didn’t have the decency to spend time with you on your first anniversary. Everything you had been holding in was starting to seep out of you, anger and sadness fuming from your system as you ask yourself the same question: Why do you constantly put yourself in this situation? Being hopeful for something just to let it get torn down again. Is that what your relationship has turned into? An insurmountable lost hope?

For the first time, you realized all you’ve been doing his abiding by him, waiting for his cues, going off of his beck and call. You were being walked all over, and you didn’t realize until that moment. For the first time, you were fed up.

You groan in frustration as you snatch your phone from the coffee table. It was 2:34 AM. You furrow your brows as you see how late it is, and how many hours it’s been since he was supposed to come home. Your emotions took control of you as you hastily shut off the TV, charging into your room as you recklessly grab one of your backpacks and stuff random clothes into it.  You grab the nearest hoodie you could find and slipped it on as you grabbed your wallet, keys, and phone. You abruptly halt at the doorway, deciding to write a small note for him before you left. What were the chances he would see it anyway?

I need some time alone to think. Please do not contact me during this time. -Y/N

You stormed out of the house, slamming the door shut behind you. You quickly started your car and pulled out of your driveway and into the streets. You didn’t know where you were going, but you just didn’t want to stay in that house any longer. The streets were empty and the sky was dull and overcast. You let the streets guide you, taking whatever twist and turn you happened to encounter. Your hands were gripped tightly along the steering wheel as tears slipped out of your eyes. You quickly wipe them away as you recalibrate your focus on the road ahead of you. You decided it’d be best to stay at a hotel for now, until you could think of a better solution to all of this. You were able to find a hotel that had lower rates since you literally bought it on the spot.

You checked into the hotel and quickly escaped to your room. You throw your backpack to the floor as you lower yourself into the cold, unfamiliar sheets of the bed. You contemplate your options. As much as you didn’t want to admit, all your actions leading up to that moment had been caused by pent up rage and frustration in the heat of the moment. In spite of that, you didn’t regret what you had done. It felt as if time had frozen and it would only continue once Jungkook became aware of what you had done. So you were going to wait.

-

Jungkook stumbled into the home, hair disheveled and vision blurry from his near sleepless night. While working at the studio he had unknowingly fallen asleep while working on a track. All of his members had already gone back home so there was no one to wake him up or remind him of his girlfriend that was waiting patiently back home for him, ready to celebrate a long-awaited and special day.

All traces of the anniversary had slipped his mind as soon as he slid into a deep slumber back at the studio. He trudges around the house and his eyes land on the organized display of snacks on the coffee table. His eyes shift to the blanket and pillow that you two tended to share was all crumpled on the couch. The lightbulb immediately lit in his mind as he put the pieces together and his eyes widen in absolute horror. He had forgotten your anniversary.

“Oh my god, I’m so fucking stupid!” he exclaims, the tone of disbelief in his voice increasing as he realizes his mistake.

“Y/N!” he cries out to you as he runs around the house, searching in all the rooms to see if you were there. He almost forgets the phone that laid in his back pocket until he takes it out, hoping to call you in hopes that you would respond. His phone lights up only to show how indecently late he was, 5:43 a.m, and the amount of missed calls and texts from you, the disappointment and dejection he sensed from you increasing as he read each text you sent to him. His jaw dropping incredulously as he shuts his eyes and takes a deep exhale.

“Fuck, what have I done?” he huffs out, his voice small and full of somber. The fact that he had forgotten a day as important as this was already encompassing his mind but more so, he couldn’t find you and it deeply startled him, he didn’t know where you were and where you could be at this hour. He walks back into the living room where he assumes you had been waiting and his focus shifts to the kitchen where he notices a small notepad and pen along with a torn piece of paper that seemed to have something inscribed on it. He squints as he walks towards the kitchen. He took the paper in his hands as he immediately recognizes your handwriting and his breath hitches as he reads your name. His feet stay rooted to the wooden tile of the kitchen as he freezes there with the paper in his hands. Dumbfounded was an understatement to whatever Jungkook had felt at that moment in time. A tear had involuntarily slid down his cheek. Was this it? Was this the end? Were you going to leave him and never come back? These were only a few out of the heap of questions that were running through his head. All he knew was that he needed to find you. And he needed to fix the mess he had just made.

Similar to you he had bolted out of the house and drove off, unaware of where you actually were but he figured if he had searched for long enough, he would be able to find you.

You had slept deep into the day, finally getting up only because you started to notice the consistent vibrations that came from your bedside table. Naturally, you figured it was Jungkook, you didn’t tell anyone else of your whereabouts since it was so sporadic and you certainly didn’t feel like conversing or informing anyone of your situation. Out of curiosity and the annoying blare of your phone, you decide to see who it is anyway. Much to your surprise, your best friend Seulgi’s beaming smile flashed on your phone screen as you pick up.

“Seulgi, hi,” your voice manages to croak out as you adjust to the sunlight peeking out of your window.

“Y/N, where the hell are you?” she immediately asks, you can basically hear the frown lines etched into her forehead.

You groan into the mic of your phone as you speak back, “Seulgi, I can explain-”

“Jungkook’s been looking for you all night and asking everyone where you are,” she cuts you off.

“Seulgi,” you exhale, trying to suppress your anger, “he forgot our anniversary.”

“Oh my god.” she gasps, “you’re joking.”

“Did he not tell anyone?!” you shriek into the phone.

“No! He just said you left and he was looking for you and he was really scared and he even sounded like he was on the verge of tears and once I said I didn’t know where you were he just hung up!” she rambles on and on.

“Okay, yeah, he forgot and I got mad and I left,” you reveal, voice barely over a whisper.

“Y/N, I don’t blame you,” she reassures you, voice softening, “but, I think you should confront him about this.”

“Yeah, I know. I just needed some time to cool off and think.”

“Well, do you plan on breaking up with him?” she speaks timidly.

“I- I don’t know. I mean, I don’t want to. I want to hear what he has to say.” you stutter, your mind in a complete frenzy.

“Hasn’t he been paying less attention to you these last couple of months?” she asks, “I rarely see you two go out anymore.”

“Yeah cuz we really don’t,” you confirm. “He’s been so focused on his career which I understand but, sometimes it just feels like he doesn’t even acknowledge the fact that he has a girlfriend.”

“Then why haven’t you told him that.”

“I don’t want to seem like the type of girlfriend to hold him back from doing what he loves. He’s invested so much time into his career.”

“Y/N, obviously not telling him how you feel has resulted in this mess. And okay, before you attack me, if he doesn’t have the decency to spend time with his girlfriend every once in a while then he doesn’t deserve your time and energy in the first place,” she advises you.

“I know that Seulgi, that’s all I’ve been thinking about all night.”

“Then talk to him Y/N,” she softly mutters, “for the sake of your relationship with him.”

You hum in agreement but as you’re about to hang up she interjects, “Okay, but just remember, I’ll support whatever decision you make next. I know you’re wise enough to know what you deserve and what’s best for the two of you. Always here for you Y/N.”

“I don’t know where I’d be without you Seulgi. I’ll update you. I’ll head out now.” you smile into the phone.

“You got this Y/N!” she cheers as you hang up.

You had clear intentions on your mind but you couldn’t help but feel anxious and uncertain about what was to happen between you and Jungkook.

jungkook, i’m in sunset central hotel. if you want to talk, come here as soon as you can. Thanks.

Jungkook’s eyes widen to the size of saucers as soon as he saw your name flash onto his screen. He redirects his GPS to the hotel you were at, a 45-minute drive. He didn’t care, he just needed to find you.

-

You waited at the foot of your bed, feeling extremely uneasy about the whole confrontation. Your foot was constantly tapping on the wooden floors, as you played with your hands and glance back at your phone to check the time.

-

Jungkook finally reaches his destination as he surges through the front doors of the hotel, asking the front desk if you were still staying over. The front desk had called you and informed you that someone had come to see you and if it was okay for them to come over. You hesitantly obliged, cowering every time you heard Jungkook answering whatever questions he was required to answer.

It never really registered through Jungkook’s mind that he was supposed to talk to you. He just planned on spilling his heart out and hoping it would be enough for your forgiveness and just being able to hold you in his arms again.

He takes his time getting to your room. His movements are lethargic and hesitant, taking the time to gather his thoughts. He reaches the floor your room is on as he steps out of the elevator and scans the area to find where your room would be. He slowly walks as he sees your room number, he knocks softly at the door, staring at his shoes.

Your head snaps to the sound of his knocks, you take a deep breath as you stand up and slowly creak open the door. You don’t even bother to try to share any eye contact as you widen the door and motion him to come in.

“Y/N,” he begins, eyes still focused on the floor, “I’m,” he exhales, “I’m so sorry.” He slowly tilts his head up, analyzing your body language. Your hands were clasped in front of you as your eyes shifted back and forth to everything but Jungkook. You could feel his stare burning into you but dismissed it.

“Is that-,” you mutter, “is that all you came here to say to me?

“No!” he interrupts, causing you to flinch. His face softens at your reaction, “I- I fell asleep while working on a song and lost track of time.”

Your jaw clenches at his statement as you take a moment to let what he had told you sink in,  “And that makes it all okay?”

“No, of course, it doesn’t-”

“Jungkook, we were supposed to spend this time together with each other. You’re on an actual break for once and you’d still rather dedicate all your time to it instead of spending time with me. All your other members have been going on trips, seeing family, hanging out with friends,” you huff out, glaring at him as he looks at his shoes, “do I not matter to you anymore?”

Your last statement almost made him meltdown right there on the spot. The fact that he had made you believe that he didn’t care about you at all was already bad enough as it is.

He takes a step towards you and looks you straight in the eye, “No, Y/N,” he sighs in exasperation, trying to piece together what he was going to say, “we’ve just been getting so much publicity and gaining so much popularity and fame, I feel like they expect so much from us. And from me. I’m the Golden Maknae, I have to be good at everything and be able to do anything, but in reality, nothing’s working out and I’ve just been stressed as hell and wanting to see you.”

“I’ve never left Jungkook until yesterday, I’ve always been there waiting,” you reveal slowly, “and I really always want to be here for you. Ever since the tour, you stopped contacting me and I just thought you were busy but in the back of my mind, I started thinking that you just didn’t care anymore.”

“But I do, I always did.” he says, taking a step towards you.

“You haven’t proven otherwise, and I don’t want to reach this breaking point just so we can be happy and go through this all over again.” your voice cracks.

“I know, I don’t want that either, but, if this was bothering you for so long, why couldn’t you tell me earlier?”

“Do I really have to remind my own boyfriend to spend time with me?” you scoff as you shake your head in disbelief.

“Y/N, I didn’t mean that, I mean we’ve never had any problems in our relationship up until now, and now that I’m thinking about it, you could’ve told me off and broke up with me a long time ago, but you never told me when you had any problems with me. Yes, I know the things I did were stupid as fuck but Y/N, being in a relationship while balancing my career is still new to me. I’m absolutely clueless and stupid and I need you to guide me so I can be there for you.”

“I-,” you sighed heavily, “I didn’t want to intrude. You’ve worked so hard to get to where you are and I didn’t want to fuck it up.”

“Hey, I’m always willing to give up time for you.” his responds as his eyes soften, “I know it sure as hell may not seem like it, but you shouldn’t prioritize my needs or whatever you think my needs are over yours. Now I’ve just been taking advantage of your leniency. How did I not notice? Fuck, I’m such a dumbass.”

You honestly didn’t know how to respond to that, you knew what you were doing was selfless and you were extremely patient about it all, “I just figured that was the last thing you wanted you know, another thing to worry about on top of your career.”

“I thought about that at first too,” he agreed, biting his lip, “I realized later on that it really shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. I care about you too much to let that happen and the more I got to know you, I realized that, well, you were worth it.”

You could feel his intense glare without even sparing him a glance, “Am I still worth it to you?”

You feel his hand envelop your own as steps towards you once again, “You always will be.”

“You’re making it really hard for me to keep being mad at you,” you huff, tightening your grip around his hand.

He noticed the fact that you were still avoiding eye contact and you remained distant. He tugs on your hand and pulls you close to him, breaking your personal barrier. He pulls you into a warm hug, something you both had craved for so long. The longing and acceptance for one another was mutual, but where were you two supposed to do from there on out?

He loosens his hold on you and pulls away slightly, “Are we okay?”

For the first time that day your eyes met his as you replied, “Yeah, we’re okay.”

Only time would tell.

-

-

-

MASTERLIST

[purplesurveys]

631

General Randomness What's the weather like right now? It’s very bright and sunny out, but January is typically one of the colder days of the year so I’m not feeling uncomfortable right now. It’s the perfectly chilly temperature I would have liked to have all year long. What are you currently sitting on? I am sitting on a chair at our dining table, which is usually where I take surveys. How many times have you brushed your teeth today? Just once.

When did you get up? I’ve been up since 8, but didn’t get out of bed until 10.

Have you been in a vehicle for more than 45 minutes today? I haven’t been in a car at all today cos I’ve only stayed home. Angela invited me to go out for some drinks but I didn’t feel like drinking or being out today, so I’ve been home the whole time.

Where is your best friend? I think Angela is at home but I’m sure she’s getting ready to go out for the aforementioned ^ drinking. I’m not sure where Gab is. How many days until Christmas? Oh wow, barely missed it, chief. There are 355ish days left, I’m guessing? Have you kissed someone today? Nope. Is your mom over 50? No, and she still has a year to go. How old were you 7 years ago? I was technically 14, but was about to turn 15 in a few months. Do you know what 'C'est la vie' means? Yep. In Gen Z lingo, it essentially means, ‘it be like that sometimes’ lmao. Do you usually take showers or baths? Showers, because we don’t have bathtubs and also because I find it much more efficient anyway. I only take baths when I’m out of town, in a fancy hotel, and want to pamper myself with bubbles and fancy body wash. What kind of bottoms are you wearing right now? I’m wearing shorts just meant for the home.

Are you wearing anything red? Yes, the pair of shorts I just talked about. What was the name of your first pet? I didn’t keep track of my first goldfish’s name but a good guess would be Goldie. I wasn’t a very creative kid, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that turned out to be right. Do you live in an apartment? Nope. I’ve been living with my parents under their roof. What color is the floor in the room you're in? Cream-ish. What was the most irritating thing to happen to you today? My thesis professor being a headache to talk to. I am genuinely baffled at how she was able to secure a very high position in my university’s administration, considering how erratic she can get. How do you feel about your most recent ex? She’s great. Do you wish at 11:11? No. Do you wish on shooting stars? I would, if they often visited on this side of the world. But they don’t, so. Do you wish on dandelions? No. There aren’t a lot where I live. Are you drinking anything right now? Mmm no, not at the moment. I finished my coffee a little while ago and while I want to make a second cup to keep myself awake, I have an early morning tomorrow so I’d want to sleep early tonight. It’s back to work for me, ugh. About how tall is your father? Not too tall. He’s like, 5′5 or 5′6.  How old is your oldest living grandparent? I only know the age of one grandparent, and that’s my 73 year old maternal grandmother. I don’t get to see my paternal grandparents a lot cos they live quite far, so with that comes my insufficient knowledge about them.  Do you know anyone who has lived to be 100+? Gab’s great-grandmother, but she passed away last November. Have you had your birthday yet this year? Nope. There’s been a mere three days into the year, so very few people would already have had their birthdays hahaha. Do you read your horoscope on a regular basis? No. You do you, but I was never a fan. It’s also a pet peeve when people use their star sign as excuses for their shitty behavior. “Sorry I acted up, I’m a Scorpio,” “I hate everybody because I’m an Aquarius,” “I ghosted them because I’m a Cancer” no it’s because you’re a bitch, Karen. Do you like the color yellow? I hate it a bit less than green (my least favorite color) only because I love the song Yellow by Coldplay and because mustard yellow isn’t that bad of a color. Are you an aunt or uncle? If my friends start having kids soon, then I’ll be an aunt. Why is your best friend your best friend? They both understand my weirdness and all my quirks and never made me feel like I was being judged. What is your hair like at the moment? Tbh it matches my top pretty well so as frizzy as my hair is at the moment, it still looks good with the tank top I have on lolol. How many times have you donated blood this year? Zero. I’m scared of needles, and even if I get over that phobia I wouldn’t be able to donate anyway because I’m underweight. Are you wearing any jewelry? No, not right now. Are you a video-gamer? I wouldn’t call myself that. I play GTA just to be a law-abiding citizen and not actually do the missions lol, I get tired of playing The Sims after ten minutes, and I only play a handful of Nintendo games. Who got married at the last wedding you went to? My mom’s brother and his then-fiancee, now one of my favorite aunts except for the facts that she’s a hardcore Duterte supporter and Marcos apologist. Do you like Chinese food? Yep, it’s one of my favorite cuisines. How far is the nearest Walmart? I can’t walk nor drive to it, that’s for sure. Have you ever been a designated driver? I’m always DD by default because I’m the only one among my friends who has a car other than JM, who also has a (much bigger) car but is terribly low-tolerance and will absolutely pass out. I get tipsy easily as well, but I sober up real quick and always make sure I’m 100% back to reality by the time I drive. Which means that I typically have to stop drinking earlier than the rest of my friends, but so long as that means I get to take everyone back home safe, it’s okay with me. What is something that always brings tears to your eyes? My mom yelling at me. Who is your 20th phone contact? My contacts aren’t numbered thus I’m too lazy to count manually. Do you have any plans to get a tattoo? It’s not completely off the table, but I’ve definitely toned down my original plans of getting tattoo sleeves and getting myself generally covered a la CM Punk (and I have to tell ya, I’m so glad I grew out of that phase). These days I prefer to have small tattoos to memorialize significant people or events, and some of my plans include my dog’s pawprint and a plate of nachos. Or a new piercing? Probably not. What would your name be if your last name was the color of your shirt? Brown. If you could find out how you would die, would you want to know? Yes. I hate the unknown and would rather be certain, no matter how ugly or nasty the certainty holds. Do you make your bed regularly? Every morning. Do you look forward to the weekend? NO. I have a 2-day meeting for my 2-day weekend. I am so dreading it. I just want to stay a lazy couch blob for another week. How much do you know about the mechanics of cars? I know how to turn a car on, go forward, reverse, brake, and open my gas tank... and that’s about it. Has anyone ever told you you should be a model? Model and beauty queen, yeah. How old was your mom when she had you? She was 26, but was turning 27 that year. Do rainy days get you down? No. I thrive on rainy days lmao. Who is the artist/band you're listening to at the moment? No music keeping me company at the moment. Do you ever take aspirin when you 'feel a headache coming on'? Not aspirin but I take a Biogesic. I dunno if those two or the same thing or not. Is there a calendar in the room you're in? Nope. Do you prefer to be in a relationship or be single? I’ve been seeing a person for technically six years, so now I prefer a relationship after being accustomed to having one for so long. If you're single, do you wish you were in a relationship? Have you ever had your heart broken? Sure. Do you live within an hour of the beach? No. I’m very far away from the beach :( How do you like your steak? Rare or medium-rare. Were you born in the 1980s? I was not. A Few Firsts What was the first sound you heard when you woke up? I woke up to the sound of my mom calling me on my phone. I was half-asleep and didn’t feel like answering, so I muted it and went back to sleep. I feel guilty now that I remember, but she didn’t call back or text me so it probably wasn’t a big deal. Who was your first best friend? It was a girl named Kaye from kinder. We were good friends for like two years, and then we got sorted to different sections in Prep and drifted apart after that. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? I’ve said her name so many times on these surveys already. Y’all know. Who was your first date to a formal dance? I haaaateeeeed the idea of asking guys out and being in a relationship for most of high school, so I made sure I only asked my cousin for my prom. How bad was your first break up? Pretty messed up. There was a lot of tension and resentment and confusion in the beginning. Throw in my grandfather’s sudden death and me taking the UPCAT, and you have my mental health completely rattled! What was your first favorite movie? High School Musical, for sure. How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. What was your first trip to the emergency room for? My platelet count was really low, I was in danger of getting dengue, and had to stay the night at the hospital. Then there was sticking the IV onto my wrist, upon which I made a complete scene in the emergency room and thrashed and kicked around while my (very frail) grandma (sorry, Lola) tried to hold me down with a lot of patients watching lol. Where was the first place you went today? The kitchen. Who was the first person you saw? My sister, I think. What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up? I wondered why my mom called, realized I was too sleepy to care, and went back to bed. Do you remember the first time you spent the night away from home? Yupppp. I was in third grade, my club had an overnight camping thingy as its culmination activity, and it was the first time ever that I was allowed to spend the night somewhere else. I remember being around a campfire, roasting marshmallows for the first time, having to share a sleeping mat with Katreen, and her kicking me in her sleep.

Where was your first big vacation to? Boracay. What was your first job? None yet. I’ll make sure to update you by the end of the year. What was the first thing you had to drink today? Coffee.

Some Lasts Where was the location of your last kiss? My girlfriend’s car, when she dropped me back at my place. How old was the last person you kissed? 21. What was the last movie you rented? I’ve never experienced renting a movie, which definitely confirms my status as a Gen Z kid lmao. But I can tell you that the last movie I watched was Knives Out. Where was the last place you went? Other than around my house, we went to church last Tuesday night for New Year’s Eve mass. What was the last restaurant you went to? Yabu. Who was the last person to call you? My mom, this morning. Who was the last non-relative you spoke in person to? Gabie. What was the last thing you bought? I got dinner from Yabu, haha. When was the last time you drove more than an hour somewhere? December 14th. That evening was INSANE. It was Saturday + Christmas traffic, and it took me two hours to travel from Antipolo to Rita’s place in Makati. JM and I drove separately cos we were a big group - his drive took FOUR hours. Why did you last get angry? My thesis prof was doing us so fucking dirty and I couldn’t do anything about it. What color was the last vehicle you rode in? Blue-green. How long ago was your last birthday? NIne months. When did it last rain? It drizzled a little bit yesterday. What was the age difference between you and your most recent ex? A month and a half. When was the last time you used a dictionary? Maybe an hour ago for a word I used in a past survey lol. Mini iPod Shuffle: Don't Cheat, Use Whatever Song Comes Up, No Matter How Ridiculous (I have several playlists, so I’ll just use the Spotify-curated playlist made for Gab’s account called Your Top Songs 2019 hahahaha) My love song: Love song - Lana Del Rey (Wow.) My fight song: Swim Against the Tide - The Japanese House My break-up song: New Light - John Mayer The song for when I'm sad: Money - Leikeli47 The song for when I'm angry: Constant Conversations - Passion Pit My song to have sex to: Bad Girls - Tennis The song about my ex: Just the Same But Brand New - St. Vincent The song about my best friend: Juice - LIZZO The song about my crush: Seventeen - no rome My 'feel good' song: Venice Bitch - Lana Del Rey The theme song of my life: Formation - Beyoncé I literally know four of these songs, which I’ve since bolded just so y’all know that I have no idea what the other seven songs are and if they make sense with the situations at hand. Gab clearly uses her account more than I do, which should be the case anyway lmfaoooooo.

[playquiz]

What is a good thing about sleeping anyway?

"People who say they sleep as a toddler usually don't have a toddler." Leo J. Burke

I wholeheartedly believe supported learning experience. If you haven't tried anything, how does one know if it works or not? For several years I used to be curious to understand how my body skilled some nutritional and training interventions, and that I recently started trying easy ways to "penetrate" my systems using technology within the sort of tools and applications.

Being the most unaffected copy of yourself requires tons of trial and error. We, humans, are complex beings, and that we are all different on the within as we are on the surface, so what works on behalf of me may have the other effect on you. I also love the system-based scientific approach to biology and physiology, not "well that ought to be true because I read it during a magazine" or was endorsed by a star or athlete. What involves us within the sort of food, scenes, thoughts, muscle stimulation, and sounds determines what comes out—our behavior, performance, memory, and health. If we would like to return up with something useful / better, we'd like to enter something good / better. Three of the foremost critical areas you'll specialize in when it involves self-experiences and breakthroughs in your health are food, sleep, and stress... Why? Because even small changes in each of those areas can have immediate and exciting effects on your life. I will primarily specialize in the sector of sleep, and more specifically, I will be able to test natural and cheap methods supported science to enable me to enhance the standard and quantity of my sleep. I will be able also to examine some recommended technology to ascertain how effective it's. I have been using the sleep tracker for over a year now, and although it hasn't helped me get more sleep or better sleep, it's made me more conscious of the small I'm already getting and the way different situations affect my height and depth of rest. The info I will be able to collect also still will be useful on behalf of me to work out the effectiveness of the methods that I shall develop over the subsequent month. What is good at sleeping, anyway? Let's check out this from the opposite angle. What's bad about not getting enough sleep? It's quite direct effects like bad moods, lack of focus or other signs that you simply feel exhausted, like feeling emotional, hungry, and ragged. Sleep deprivation can have severe consequences for your long-term physical health. Here is that the frightening side of lack of sleep Stroke risk According to research, even without typical risk factors, like weight gain or having a case history, lack of sleep can increase the danger of stroke. Contributes to obesity Lack of sleep can cause you to gain weight! Really? Perhaps "if you postpone you lose" it seems like a true saying after hearing this. Sleep is essential if you would like to lose fat or maintain a slim body. Insufficient sleep can contribute to some less-than-ideal food options, including serving more food and looking for fast meals, because of some complex hormonal changes that happen once you aren't getting enough food. Sleeping for 6 hours or less seems to extend the assembly of the ghrelin hormone and reduce leptin, helping you balance food intake. Also, decreased sleep appears to be related to the division of unfavorable nutrients, which suggests that within the event of reduced caloric intake, more weight is going to be lost as a lean mass of body fat. It increases the danger of diabetes Studies have examined the connection between insufficient sleep and insulin resistance, a risk factor for diabetes. Among the healthy adolescents, the researchers found, their shortest sleepers had the very best insulin resistance, meaning that the body doesn't use insulin effectively. Other studies have examined fat cells, especially, and have found that lower sleep increases insulin resistance in these cells, even when caloric intake is restricted. Fuel amnesia You may know that on days once you are exhausted, you forget and not focus, but sleep deprivation can cause permanent cognitive problems. The less we sleep, the less we enjoy the memory storage characteristics of sleep. But lack of sleep can cause a deterioration within the brain, which can partially explain a minimum of some amnesia later in life. Bone damage Long-term sleep deprivation appears to contribute to osteoporosis. Loss of sleep reduces the body's secretion of the human somatotropin liable for strengthening the bones and repairing wear and tear. Your heart hurts The stress and stress caused by a scarcity of sleep can cause the body to supply more chemicals and hormones, which will cause heart condition. Lack of sleep can accelerate signs of skin aging because the body produces cortisol (stress hormone) which will break down collagen and weaken the skin's ability to repair in the dark. Finally, when our sleep suffers, our system also suffers, which makes us more susceptible to disease and infection. I always knew how important sleep was to my health, but I have never taken it seriously yet. Sleep science - it isn't as easy as spending longer in bed. To make changes, you would like to create and build achievable daily habits in your routine. However, what should these habits be? How does one know they're going to work? It's where I address the research project to assist me. I've talked tons about hormones here already and the way they affect us negatively thanks to lack of sleep but guess what? When it involves good sleep, the hormones are again... but this point, they're going to help us. Understanding which of them and the way to enhance them should be the key to improving our health. The hormones that make us sleepy The magical hormone liable for regulating sleep cycles is melatonin, which is, of course, released with darkness and tells our body to sleep. It not only controls your usual sleep pattern but also reduces stress and is additionally anti-oxidant, which suggests it slows down the aging process. Once we are younger, our melatonin levels are high, but unfortunately, we see a gradual decrease as we age. Many things can also eliminate natural melatonin production within the body. These include long flight disorder and shift work, but the foremost common cause is abnormal exposure to light after dark hours. Blue light is the most harmful emitting from cell phones, computer screens, and televisions. So yes, reading from an iPad before getting to bed is worse than reading an honest old book! Even awakening in the dark and checking the time on your phone can stop your body from producing melatonin instantly! Unfortunately, whether you've got been fighting for an hour or a second, the effect is that the same. The problems that have seem to be mainly thanks to our modern lifestyles, which differ significantly from how our ancestors wont to live. They weren't awake late using laptops or watching TV. Instead, they used light to make a decision when to sleep and when to awaken. Increased melatonin So, if melatonin is so excellent and its production will help me improve my sleep, the procedure that I will be able to take must answer the question: "What simple changes am I able to make to extend melatonin levels naturally? The straightforward answer could also be to use a dietary supplement. Still, the matter is that the utilization of Repetitive artificial melatonin can reduce my body's ability to supply it, so instead, I want to develop lifestyle habits that will maximize melatonin production without the necessity for outside help. What do I do? I always seem to sleep better after a hot shower just before bed (high and low blood heat appears to market drowsiness) and do so occasionally during the week. It's best if I throw some Epsom salts (which contain magnesium) that my body absorbs through the skin. Sometimes I will be able to use Betteryou Magnesium Spray, which I mainly use as a relaxant after training, but it's also useful for bedtime use to assist me to sleep. It appears that the body more readily absorbs magnesium through the skin instead of taking oral supplements. I regularly use Bulletproof Sleeping Mat for 20 minutes before bed. On most nights, I sleep in complete darkness (faster for dimming), even the slightest amount of sunshine can disrupt your mechanism and produce melatonin. Although there's no thermometer in my bedroom, I tend to sleep better when the weather may be a little cooler. Indeed, the perfect temperature for an honest night's sleep is between 60 and 67 degrees Fahrenheit. I regularly eat eggs, nuts/seeds, salmon, chicken, bananas, and oats, which are known to be a potent melatonin booster. I always eat a night meal that contains protein, fat or low-glycemic food in blood glucose to enhance tryptophan levels (tryptophan is an aminoalkanoic acid that promotes sleep that contributes to the assembly of serotonin, a brain chemical that helps us relax and is employed to form melatonin). I take a magnesium supplement after dinner and again before getting to bed. Magnesium is the most potent relaxing mineral available. However, it must be supported with proper nutrition for the body to soak up and use it. (Time for an additional blog) My phone, although it shouldn't be charged in my bedroom, is placed in airplane mode to avoid EMF which may disturb sleep. I now use the Lome timepiece that gently wakes me up with natural light rather than sound. What I'm not good at - what is going to I attempt to improve my sleep? Sometimes I will be able to impose a curfew on myself, but this never seems long, and that I find myself getting to sleep later. As I write this, I'm committing the last word sin of sleep. It's 11:30 pm, and that I drink coffee and stare at the pc screen! I will make a concerted effort to sleep at 10 pm nightly. It's going to be unrealistic to try to do this seven days every week, but I will be able to attempt to be as consistent as possible. Every hour of sleep before midnight is adequate to two hours after. Now, I do not skills correct this is often, but I've read it quite a couple of times, so maybe it's worth looking into it. I installed F.lux on my phone, iPad, and computer (it's free). Change the color on your screens, counting on the time of day. F.lux uses warmer colors after sunset to match the inside lighting. Although there are not any scientific studies to prove its success, the thought seems plausible and price the experiment. I have already got a pair of blue, orange glasses that block the sunshine but I admit I do not wear them that much. I downloaded "Pzizz" which is an app that claims to assist you in nodding off faster with a variety of soothing sounds and acoustic signals intended to help you relax and squeeze. I'm currently also researching other techniques supported by vocal neuroscience, and I am trying to experiment with a system developed by the brain. I will replace my coffee after dinner with herb tea (really yes!) Caffeine not only acts as a stimulant but also will start to release magnesium from my body. Getting an honest night's sleep seems to be an art and a science and that they are crucial to our health. With some simple strategies, we will all get top quality and cozy sleep that our bodies and minds deserve. There are not any shortcuts, and that we got to make sleep a priority. Our physical, mental and emotional health depends thereon. Take hold of your actions and surroundings, be consistent and allow us to enjoy Zzzzzzz.

[aphrodicted]

Do you have any tips on moving on from an ex?

I don’t know if I’m the best person to give you advice on this subject, but I’ll try to help you. All I’m going to tell you are things that I’ve used after ending long relationships or sporadic relationships. Some points will be more important depending on the type of relationship you have left, but I think all of them can help you.

If you need any more specific advice: you can talk to me privately or send me another ask and I’ll answer you.

The most important thing is to accept what you feel. It doesn’t matter what kind of feelings you have, but you must embrace everything you are feeling right now. Are you sad and you need to cry? Do it, don’t be afraid to do it. Do you feel like playing music to the full and dancing until you forget the pain? Find your favorite song and dance to the exhaustion. Do you need to talk to someone and cry again? Find someone you trust and explain all your fears.

It’s essential to be wrapped up in these moments (if the break-up has been very traumatic, for example) and surround yourself with people with positive energy.

Next, I leave you a list of practices that you can carry out. They have served me and maybe you too, anon. Also, I’ll leave you some explanation with information and if I remember a spell (if you want to do spells) I’ll leave it here too. 

1. Accept your feelings.

As I told you: don’t block feelings. What do I mean by blocking? Well, to bury what has happened and make everyone see that you have never lived a relationship with that person or that them have hurt you. You can’t forget what happened from one day to the next as if nothing had happened, but you can do it little by little.

2. Live what you feel.

Live the feelings without fear. Suppressing pain and putting on a good face is not always the best option. Nor do I advise you to spend all day in bed, but it is important to let go slowly and live what you feel.

If you are a person who doesn’t like to cry in front of others: look for a place where you are comfortable and that nobody bothers. If you are a person who needs the support of others: look for someone you trust and share the pain or your fears with this friend.

Don’t hide your feelings and be honest with yourself always.

3. Break your bond (slowly).

You don’t have to drop everything at once. Besides being insane, you can’t forget your pain in a few minutes.

The bond will fade slowly and you will gradually get rid of the pain. Don’t worry: you will never forget the person in particular, nor your memories, but it would be important to end the relationship if it is already finished. It’s essential to end the relationship and release them when you are completely ready. And wish them the best. Even if they hurt you, please, wish them light and good luck so as not to contaminate you with the bad energies. 

4. Get rid of their gifts.

This is an option. I’ve done it in almost every relationship I’ve had. I don’t like to keep gifts when the person hasn’t behaved well with me and has cheated or treated me badly. It’s hard? Of course, since you’re getting rid of memories that once made you happy. However, for me it is very important to get rid of gifts to eliminate energy or memories that have no place in my present or future.

5. Talk to yourself.

It’s a stage to know yourself more: to know how you act in the face of pain, how to heal an emotional wound, how long it takes to get rid of pain or how you overcome it, etc. Try to find something to get out of this painful stage and find yourself. Talk to yourself and discover things you never thought you would be. And you must be honest with yourself: don’t kid yourself!

6. Forgive and learn from what has been lived.

One of the most important points (and almost mandatory) is to forgive yourself. Many times we blame ourselves for a relationship that has not ended well, but the fault isn’t only one of the two. If a relationship breaks down, it is because we have both failed at something. Therefore, it is very important that you forgive yourself and open yourself to new adventures that will bring you a lot of happiness.

Another important point is to forgive the other person. We all make mistakes and do harm (unconsciously or consciously), but we can’t be spiteful throughout our lives. It isn’t healthy at all and will not bring you anything good in your life. The best thing to do is to forgive them and make sure that what they has done to you don’t affect you.

I learned to forgive recently. One of my relationships (the longest) didn’t end well and I found out that I had been deceived. One of the things I hate the most is that people lie to me, and it cost me a lot to forgive him. However, to this day, I wish him the best and I hope that life will smile and give him what him deserve. 

7. Self-love every day.

As I said before, this stage is a very good time to know yourself. And it’s essential that you practice self-love every day! I had never done it before and I can tell you that it changes your life in a spectacular way.

Start with positive affirmations in the present: “I am loved”, “I deserve to be loved”, “Love is on my side”, “Luck is on my side”, “I deserve that love appears in my life”, “I’m pretty”, “I attract positive people”… 

This type of prayers can help you a lot. I practice them three times a day for about five minutes or when I think I have had enough: when I wake up, in the evening and before going to sleep I think them out loud or in my head and I visualize myself happy, surrounded by people positive and being happy, for example.

Visualizing is a complicated exercise for some people, but with practice you will master it. 

You can also practice spells that are easy to find on Tumblr. Why don’t you look for my “self love spell” tag (/tagged/self-love-spell)? 

Don’t let negative thoughts eat you. You aren’t negativity and you must eliminate them every time they appear in your head. When you think something negative, pray it: “I am light and I attract luck and happiness”. However, there are people who are very helpful in expressing negative thoughts on paper and then burning or breaking them into pieces and throwing them away. You can also call someone to vent on it.

If you can, anon, I recommend getting an onyx and a white quartz or a citrine. Carrying this pair of stones will help you a lot: the onyx will absorb all the negativity, while the white quartz or will give you a lot of positivity (I recommend you more the citrine to give you a lot of energy).

Surround yourself with people who give you positivity and a lot of love. Don’t surround yourself with people who don’t do you well, as they will not help you to get out of this situation.

8. Meditate.

At first it is difficult (you need a lot of concentration), but it will help you a lot to control your emotions and other things. Start by doing meditation for five minutes on waking or before going to sleep.

9. Cut off communication with your ex and block any way to see them on social networks.

10. Ask for help from your angels.

It may sound crazy, but they listen to you. I didn’t get the response from the angels in the first place, but from Aphrodite, but they came later.

The angels are there to guide you. When you are lost: speak loudly and ask for a signal. It will come in the form of a number (111, 333 or so), a prayer or an image that you see… the sign will come to you. Have faith and ask for help!

You can always try to contact your spiritual guides.

11. Seek to do new things.

Do you feel like starting to play sports? Do you think you should travel somewhere this holiday? Do you want to do some activity that you have wanted to do for a long time?

If you have always wanted to do something: now is the time to do it! Dare and look for fun.

I tell you as a personal experience! I started to practice witchcraft after leaving one of my ex, and now look how happy I am! Do what you have always wanted to do, worse you have never dared.

12. Don’t lock yourself up too much.

13. Animals and nature heal a lot at times like this.

I don’t know if you have a pet or you live near a forest, but try to surround yourself with animals and nature.

Playing with animals (dogs, cats or any other type of animal) will help you vibrate very loudly. In addition, it will help you forget the pain for a few hours and clear yourself of any negativity. The same walk in nature or lose a few hours in a forest. Sit and listen to the sound of the wind lift the vegetation and the birds sing. You will find an incredible peace there.

I’m sorry the post is so long! I hope these tips can help you in some way. 

See you, anon!

[its-abroad-world]

Adventure #1 - May 30/31/June 1&2: LA, Heathrow, Copenhagen, and The Regal Princess: The Start of a Journey

When you travel as much as my family does, you get really good at it; squishing everything you can into your luggage, the long travel times, sleep deprivation, time zone changes, jet lag.

For as long as I can remember, my family has taken a trip every summer. We started off with road trips around America and then later moved on to trips to other countries. Since then, we have been to almost all 50 states and over 20 countries in North America, Europe, and Asia. My mum decided to take a cruise on the Baltic Seas and then take a road trip around Germany after the cruise. We figured out a long time ago that cruising is the best way to travel because you’re essentially living on a floating hotel with gourmet food and turndown service; the next morning, you’re in a new destination; if you do it right, you really get your money’s worth!

On May 30, we began our day hurriedly packing and repacking our luggage. The week leading up to the trip, we had family visiting from the Philippines and were too busy taking her out to focus on packing. I do not recommend this; you’ll forget to bring a lot of things. This trip was the first trip that we were extremely underprepared for and we were mostly winging our itinerary.

May 30, packing up the car to head to the airport

Growing up with parents that felt the need to have a big family vacation at least once a year means that I have grown to love (and hate) traveling. For example, I love having the opportunity to experience a new country and culture, but I hate the flight that you have to take to get to that country; in this case, we were flying from LAX to London Heathrow to Copenhagen. We’re quite used to flying long flights so a 10-hour flight was nothing: my parents fell asleep almost as soon as we were seated on the plane, and my sister and I spent the whole flight watching movies and drifting in and out of sleep. Through years of experience, I’ve found that on a flight with a stopover, you should sleep on the first flight and not on the second if you are arriving in the morning; you won’t be super jetlagged.

Before we left for the trip, we were booking all of our hotels and AirBnBs, only to find that the Danish Kroner was much bigger than the US dollar and would cost us $300 for one night at the cheapest hotel. In frugal Asian speak, this means that you spend the night at the airport after about 24 hours of traveling -- it’s kind of the worst feeling. We arrived at 11 pm but could not check in to board the ship until 10 am, so we spent the night tossing and turning on unforgivingly hard airport chairs, unable to actually stay fully awake or get any actual sleep.

June 1 At about 6 AM, feeling too cooped and restless just staying in the airport, we bought bus tickets and headed out with high expectations and excitement for Copenhagen. It was one of the cities that we had wanted to go for a long time; suffice to say, it did not live up to our expectations. Just walking out of the airport, the city smelled awful; it seemed to be garbage day (of course) and it looked as if the city had spent the night partying and littering in the streets. We took the bus to the main train station where we used these traveler’s lockers beneath the main terminal of the station to store our suitcases. Priced at about $11, it was very helpful to have somewhere to store large suitcases while roaming the city. While walking down the street to find breakfast, we noticed that there were still clubs open at 6 am and drunk people were stumbling out and finishing their beers on the sidewalk; it was definitely unlike anything we have seen in Europe. The only food store that we found that was open was McDonald’s which was a treat to us because for some reason American fast food always seems to be better in other countries; McDonald’s in Denmark did not disappoint.

June 1, our first taste of Denmark

We finished eating around 7:30 AM and spent the rest of the morning walking through the city, exploring whatever places were free and open, which meant we mostly looked at the outsides of buildings. We got to see the Christiansborg Palace, where Denmark’s Supreme Court, The Prime Minister’s office, and the Danish Parliament are all held. While we were walking through the palace grounds, we happened upon the gardens in front of the library and all of the flowers were in full bloom. So pretty!! None of us were really paying attention to the buildings around even though we fully should have because at that point, we had been awake for more than 24 hours and were starting to feel a little under the weather. We all gave up trying to see more of the city and headed back to the train station to just sit and rest until we could begin making our way to the cruise ship.

It took some figuring out but we were able to figure out the public transportation to get to the cruise terminal. The process of going through security and checking in was fairly quick. While we were checking in, the cruise personnel informed us that our room had been upgraded to a family suite with a balcony at the front of the ship on the 15th (Lido Deck) floor. As soon as we got to the room, we all took naps, really starting to feel a cold coming on; we slept through lunch and the beginning of the festivities of the launch party. We had a quick dinner at the buffet and went to sleep right after.

View from our stateroom balcony

June 2 The next day, June 2, sea-day #1, we spent resting in bed. Three out of the four of us were sick with a cough and cold and all four of us were extremely jetlagged. It was nice to get some rest and relaxation in and we spent most of the day resting in bed or roaming around the ship to see what activities were going on.

After taking a look at the cruise’s itinerary for the day, we realized that Captain’s Night, a formal night where the captain and his crew are introduced to the guests of the ship at a big party, was that night. This was a bit strange because on previous cruises that we had been on, Captain’s Night was always in the middle of the cruise. This cruise was a little different because not everyone on the ship had the same embarkation and disembarkation dates. While it was strange to us, we got ready quickly and headed downstairs to where the party was; my dad opted to stay in bed and order room service. We took pictures at the professional booths, then had dinner in the formal dining. Most of the night was just such a blur because we were all a little seasick, jetlagged, and on cold medicine. We ate a three-course meal as quickly as possible and headed straight to the room to sleep right after.

[levihauser]

高校

6 September, 2019

I’ve started to get used to Japan, although I’ve still got a long way to go before I can speak and understand Japanese.

On the 28th of August, I went downstairs and had breakfast. My host parents think I love cereal more than anything in the world, so they feed it to me for breakfast most mornings alongside an already huge breakfast. This was my first day of eating it, however. They had had me select the cereal I wanted at the store. All the options were sweet and sugary cereals, which I don’t really like. however, there was one that was not: bran flakes! My family and the US and I eat bran flakes with our cereal whenever we have it, and they are not sweet at all. So I pointed them out, and my host father took four bags off the shelf. When I had them, however, they were probably the sweetest thing I had all day. They were completely coated in sugar- and there was a whole bowl of them. I struggled to eat the bowl, then ate the rest of my huge breakfast. 

In the early afternoon, my host father and I went to my school, Matto High School. They sized me for my school uniform (consisting of a button-down white shirt with an M on it and way-too-loose gray striped pants with vibrant blue and red rubber slippers). It was a little uncomfortable, as the teachers just pushed me into a side room with the door open to change. After the sizing was finished, I met some of my teachers. My class teacher (in Japan students stay in the same classroom for most of the day. A class teacher is something like a homeroom teacher), who is also an English teacher and a fairly good English speaker, is Mrs. Kameda. There is another English teacher who is from the US on the JET program, Miss Pike. She is from New Jersey. All of them seemed nice. I also learned that there are two students from the Philippines in my class that are okay English speakers.

After the meeting at the high school finished, my host father and I went and ate ramen at a nearby small restaurant. Up until that point we had not had lunch, so I was very hungry, but the ramen was very good. For dinner, we had some sort of gigantic pork pancake with a side of squid. Being vegetarian up until I came to Japan, I was a bit queasy about eating meat (it also wasn’t the tastiest meal in the world in my opinion).

On the 29th, I read in the morning for a while. I can’t seem to get up as late as I would like, so I have to go to bed early to get enough sleep. For breakfast, I had a sunny-side-up egg and salad, as well as a thick slab of bread with a hefty rectangle of luminescent, half-melted, yellow cheese. It poured all morning. At 11, my host father and I went to the city hall of Hakusan. I met the mayor. I was impressed. I would have thought that the mayor of  city with a population of over 100,000 would have too busy a schedule to meet with a single exchange student. The city hall is a big skyscraper, and we were on the fourth floor in a room for receiving guests. Because of its purpose, the room had a lot of beautiful art from the city.

I had to make a short speech in Japanese, but I had an interpreter who could help me understand and answer questions. I was given a bag of Hakusan-themed gifts and interviewed by several reporters. Just for meeting with the mayor for 20 minutes and being an exchange student, I got in the newspaper and on TV! After the meeting, we spent 3 hours filling out residency paperwork for my time in Japan. Not my idea of a fun afternoon, but it allows me to stay in Japan for more than 90 days.

There was a Rotary meeting of the club that is hosting me that evening, so I attended and had to make another short speech in Japanese. We exchanged Rotary flags (I gave them Perry’s, they gave me theirs so that I can bring it back to Perry), then ate dinner. It was a fancy hotel, so the food was fancy too. It was interesting to hear the Rotary song in Japanese.

On the 30th I had super-sugar-saturated cereal again. My host father got out a board game and just started playing it with me without explaining it all. Somehow I won, despite not knowing the rules until about halfway through (the game was called オセロ in Japanese, which, transliterated, is Osero. I think it is Othello in English). I went for a walk, and when I got back, I cleaned my bedroom and finished unpacking. It took a while, but it was very satisfying. My host mother made sushi for lunch. It was delicious! My favorite was inarizushi (rice wrapped in tofu). I read in the afternoon, then we had dinner (fish, rice, meat, somen, and miso). I went on a walk after dinner, but the sun set as I was walking and I got lost on my way back. I asked a friendly person for directions and she showed me the way (she actually walked me all the way back home, in the opposite direction she had been going). 

On the 31st, I had been in Japan for one week! I studied Japanese for a while, then had breakfast. I went for a walk, then we ate lunch. My host father and I went for a bike ride. Both the walk and the ride were to my high school, so I could practice the route. After the bike ride, one of my host aunts picked me up and took me to her house for a taiko (Japanese drum) lesson. It was interesting and fun, however, I was not very good at it, so I was not too happy when I found out my host dad had recorded the whole thing on video and was repeatedly playing it to anyone who he knew. 

When we returned home, my seven-year-old host niece Yuria and my four-year-old host nephew Shudai were there. We went to a sushi restaurant. It was pretty interesting. There was a counter surrounding the chefs with a conveyor belt that had plates of sushi on it. The chefs made sushi and put it on the conveyor belt, and customers took off any sushi they wanted. The price was assessed by the number of plates each customer had amassed and what color they were (different colors indicated different prices). If you weren’t seated at the counter, you were in a group. That’s where we were. There was a screen that you could touch to pick what you wanted, then a wheeled tray would come speeding up to you shortly on a special track. Whenever it came, Shuudai would shout “Shinkansen, shinkansen!” (bullet train, bullet train). You could take your food, then press the screen to dismiss the tray. We ate sushi and overall, it was delicious, although there were a few things I ate that I wish I hadn’t. We had ice cream for dessert, and both Yuria and Shuudai dropped theirs on the ground. After that, we went home.

On September first, I got up and started to get ready for my Rotary Youth Exchange orientation later that day. At 11, three Rotarians showed up to drive me to Toyama City. The drive took about an hour, and it was very scenic. Lots of mountains! There were a lot of trams on tracks in the center of the road. According to one of the Rotarians, Toyama City, along with Hiroshima, is one of the few cities in Japan with trams like that. They were very interesting, and while some looked new, others looked like beautiful antiques, maybe from 60 to 70 years ago. We arrived at the hotel where the meeting was, and all of the English speaking inbound students were there. There were 12 (I think), so it was much bigger than district 7120, where I come from, in terms of youth exchange. In 7120, there were only 13 outbound students total, whereas here the total of inbound English speakers only almost reached that. There were some students from Canada and the US and one from Australia. I was the youngest. The orientation was long and boring, but all of the students were able to exchange pins with each other, a Rotary Youth Exchange custom, as well as business cards. We returned home, and only my host mother was there, as my host father was at a meeting in Fukui Prefecture. We went out for dinner at a small restaurant. We constituted half of the customers, but the people at the restaurant seemed to know her. After spending quite a while there, we returned home and went to bed.

The second was my first day of school. I put on my school uniform. I had breakfast and left. School starts at 8:35, but I was to be there at 8 on the first day. My host dad gave me a ride there, and I gave a speech to the teachers. Mrs. Kameda led me to my classroom and I made the same speech again to my classmates. We all moved to the gym for an assembly, and I made the speech for the third time, this time to the whole school. Afterwards, all the students took tests. This was the beginning of their second semester after a one month break for the summer (school starts in April here). I was given a tour of the school. It has two courtyards, and is essentially shaped like a hollow rectangle with a hallway through the middle. It has four floors, and my classroom is on the third. Lots of stair climbing! Everybody I met wanted to say hi to me, so that was pleasant. There were no classes on the first day, so I just took the English test and studied Japanese, then went home. The walk takes about half an hour. I snacked and ate dinner, then both host parents went to an oil painting class, so I went to bed.

On the third, I got ready for school and left. There are six periods in a school day, plus lunch, cleaning and homeroom. I’m taking English Communication, English, Math, Music, Modern Japanese, Classical Japanese, P.E., Calligraphy, Art, History, Science, Taiko, Office Skills, and Health. Both the math and the science are what I took two years ago in the U.S. I thought I had finished the day, when lo and behold, I learned that I had to stay seventh period, along with every other student, to study on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I leave at 4:30 instead of 3:30. I had been getting along well with a little help from Google Translate, but at school everyone spoke quickly and used characters I don’t understand, so it was very difficult. My hardest classes have been Classical and Modern Japanese. In Modern Japanese on Wednesday, there was a vocabulary opener, where I had to copy definitions from a dictionary onto a paper. However, while I know two of the Japanese alphabets, the third has thousands of characters which I don’t know that I just had to copy from what I saw, which took a really long time and hurt my eyes. Wednesday was my hardest day of the week. In the U.S., I never really liked Wednesdays, and I had hoped it would get better here, but it did just the opposite.

Yesterday, I went to school. It was my easiest day yet, although that may just be because of the relief of stress from not having to stay at school until 4:30. My host mother had slept in, however, so I didn’t get any packed lunch. Instead, I had to buy something from the school store. By the time I got there, I was at the end of the line and the only thing edible left was half of a stale Nutella sandwich. Not my favorite meal in Japan so far. One thing that’s nice about this school is that the classrooms all have air conditioning because it gets so hot and humid in the summer. However, I’ve been told that there’s no insulation in the winter and they keep it cool, so I’m a little worried. I’ve pretty much memorized my route to school now, so I don’t need my map any more. I walk on a dirt road through rice fields along the way, as well as past two Shinto shrines and across a railroad. It’s a pretty walk. I went to the post office, doubling the time of my walk, but I got to walk by the ruins of a castle. I had no idea that there had ever been a castle in Hakusan. Immediately, I was offered a matcha-flavored ice cream pop by my host dad. It wasn’t bad at all. My host family seems to like eating ice cream at all hours after 10 AM. There was another Rotary meeting and this time the president of my host district, 2610, was the guest speaker. The meeting ended, and one of the Rotarians gave me a ride home. Although my host dad was at the meeting, he had to go to another meeting immediately afterwards. I took my first Japanese bath. It was pretty hot, but still nicer than I thought it would be. I waited this long because try as I might, I couldn’t figure out how to get the water to turn on until I remembered to ask my host mother.

Today, I went to school after breakfast. It was an average day, neither too hard nor too easy, but it was nice because the exhausting first week of school was over. I’ve been here for two weeks now! I’m starting to fall into a rhythm and am enjoying my time here.

My host parents and I

My school’s main entrance

Sunset a short walk from my house

A torii at a shrine along my walk to school

A museum along my walk to school

[exceptionallyyours98-blog]

Why Building A Great Friendship Is So Important to Your Success: 6 Ways I'm Focused on Making Mine Great

A deep, strong friendship just might be a double edged sword. A friendship that bolsters your confidence when it’s low and gives you support and connection but also someone who can recognize when you are off track and call you on it. A great friendship is an investment of the heart and soul, an emotional connection as well as physical and it requires both to be active participants.

The Wrong Way To Do It

Just a week ago I returned from an over 8000 mile road trip with my boys Ryder (11) and Dax (8). We made it to all the way to Knoxville, TN where I finally got to meet my very best friend – in person.

Planning for this road trip had been in the works for over a year. While I was deep in the building of my business after opening a physical studio location last year, I knew I would need a “life line”. This road trip would be that line.

It was my beacon of light at the end of the 16 hour days.

But while I worked for days, weeks, months, holding this plan in sight, I neglected my best friend and the basic essentials of a happy life. I neglected her so much that I feared I lost one of the best gifts a human could possess.

I was so focused on getting through the day and checking off actions items, I became nearly a hermit to a healthy daily life. I felt I only had the capacity to care for my clients and my children. I’d get up at 4 and go to bed at 10 repeating this over and over until I finally broke.

By the time I came out of my self inflicted turmoil, I finally reached out to my best friend, only to find that I had broken her heart.

Barbara Bush:

“You don’t just luck into things as much as you’d like to think you do. You build them step by step, whether it’s friendships or opportunities”

Cultivating Great Friendships

1. Friendship is about sharing openly in the good times and the bad. You don’t have to always get into deep, meaningful conversations but cutting off connection when things get tough isn’t the way to go. Laughing often, playing regularly and trusting always, that’s most important. It’s about caring deeply, both how the other person feels as well as allowing to be cared for deeply. Playfulness of friendship is an integral part of a great relationship so when the serious business of needing a trusting shoulder occurs, it’s been built on a firm foundation.

I breathed a song into the air: it fell to earth, I know not where…. and the song, from beginning to end, I found again in the heart of a friend.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

2. Do not dilute or pollute your friendship with unnecessary drama. But do be willing to share authentically what is happening. While I don’t think a mission statement is needed for a friendship, we do need to be intentional in what we need and want in a friendship and invest wisely through our words and actions. Constant complaining isn’t what builds great friendship. It doesn’t mean you can’t share your frustrations but a great friendship isn’t about taming the shrew.

3. Keep the communication lines open. Learn to speak empathically. Instead of saying “You…” use “I feel…” If you are feeling scared or misunderstood or ignored, say “I feel…”, rather than – “you make me feel…”. Be willing to hear from your heart rather than your head what is being shared or not shared. Instead of cutting off communication, open up about what you are needing – even if it’s time and space. Remember, it’s a two way street – communication flows both ways. Listening is one of the greatest qualities of a great friend. But keep it balanced.

4. Let your actions speak louder than your words. There is a big virtual world out there. I actually met my best friend on line a few years ago and we’d not met in person until recently. Yet we formed a truly great friendship; caring, genuine, supportive all through the internet and phone. In my business I am on social media daily, and I have a policy to keep things positive. Anything intimately related to the ups and downs of life, I work to spare the moment by moment drama and wait until the lessons are learned to share insight. So if I didn’t specifically communicate with my friend how I was doing, all she would know is the snap shot of the moments of connection with my clients whom I adore, and the joy or success I choose to celebrate publicly.

But when I did reach out after months, I find out I had hurt her deeply by cutting off communication. A pattern I have used my entire life as a way to stay “safe” (more on this lesson later).

Luckily for me, my best friend is the most understanding, forgiving and gracious women I know. After spending a week with her in person in her home being lovingly cared for and supported, actions bolstered us both. This lesson is an important one I intend to keep in practice.

Little actions like sending a handwritten card, calling instead of an emails all the time to big actions like connecting in person and making plans to connect in person if you do not live in the same city.

There is something basic about friendship. It is like the structure that holds up a building. It is mostly hidden and absolutely essential.

Emilie Barnes

5. Don’t have only transactional friendships, instead build a deep and meaningful friendship. I’ve had lots of transactional “friendships” and am working on building better relationships in general. This is like never allowing roots to deepen enough for the fruits of a true friendship to blossom. For me, that was a pattern, I believe it stems from self worth issues. Constantly judging myself. So when there are “bad” days and I’m not “perfect” the gremlins take me under letting me know I don’t deserve to be loved.

6. Seek professional help for issues that warrant such help. Your best friend is not your counselor nor a door mat.

Constantly dumping your marital, parental, business, personal issues on your best friend is like emptying out the air in your camp mattress. You are left with a hard, bumpy surface, poor sleep and a bad back in the morning. And that’s not pleasant for anyone (first hand experience analogy from our camping trips to Knoxville!)

Being aware that you need professional help is not a bad thing. Sometimes we do need that counselor or the right homeopathic remedy or big time intervention. Do NOT be afraid to get that help. Just get the RIGHT kind 😉

And sometimes we just need the deep and meaningful connection of a beloved great friend.

I believe that building a great friendship is one of the most valuable uses of our time. It’s revenue is endless. But it’s not passive.

Blessed are the ones God sends to show His love for us…our friends.

Questions: Do you have a deep and meaningful friendship? How does it affect your life? What special things do you do to cultivate a deep and meaningful friendship? You can leave a comment below.

Stephana works with Powerhouse Leaders who want more results with less BS, for themselves, their team and their bottom line. Contact Stephana at stephana@stephana.net 360-936-3374 or visit http://www.powerhouseleaders.comPowerhouse Leaders.

[totallylesbians]

1-99

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?Lately it’s been, in no particular order…-There’s Nothing Holding Me Back by Shawn Mendes -Curious by Hayley Kiyoko -Follow You by Bring Me The Horizon-Fuck You by Sleeping With Sirens (pop goes punk cover)-Perfect by Ed Sheeran -Just the Girl by The Click Five (All but Hayley are on my drag list, which is what I’ve mostly been listening to…)

2. If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Probably Alycia Debnam-Carey, honestly

3. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. Charlie bit Alex’s shoulder through her coat. “Just admit you love the…” line continues to “city in winter.” From KL Hughes’ The Art of Us

4. What do you think about most?I don’t even know, dude. My mind is so fucking random and scattered. It’s probably not good stuff if I really think about it.

5. What does your latest tattoo from someone else say?“Still”

6. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?I sleep with my boxer briefs on. That’s it though. Unless I’m on my period or sleeping with someone else or at someone else’s house.

7. What’s your strangest talent?I don’t know really. I can manipulate my voice a bit. It usually makes people laugh or be like “what the fuck?” I can bend backwards and make my feet touch my head too. So there’s that.

8. Girls…(finish the sentence); Boys…(finish the sentence). Girls…are strong and beautiful and need to realize they need someone to tell them that for it to be true. Boys…are strong and beautiful, too. Both need positivity and to be kinder to themselves and others.

9. Ever had a poem or a song written about you?No. My first girlfriend said she wrote a poem about me, but what she read me was actually what she wrote about her ex. That was kind of awkward.

10. When is the last time you played the air guitar?Earlier today. So like…3-4ish hours ago

11. Do you have any strange phobias?Not that I know of

12. Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?Not that that I can recall. Maybe chopsticks or a pencil when I was a kid but that’s about it. And I’m not even sure I did that.

13. What’s your religion?I don’t have one

14. If you’re outside what are you most likely doing? Walking. Or going for a run, if it’s nice out.

15. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?Behind it. Definitely.

16. Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?I’m going to have to go with Pvris. They saved my life. Other bands have too. But I have to say them.

17. What was the last lie you told?Probably “I’m okay.”

18. Do you believe in karma?Something like that, yes. For sure.

19. What does your URL mean?Essentially, that is blog is gay as fuck and contains anything lesbian related.

20. What’s your greatest weakness? Greatest strength?Weakness: stubbornness Strength: loyalty

21. Who is your celebrity crush?I have so many dude. Ryan Ashley, Eliza Taylor, Alycia Debnam-Carey, Kristen Stewart, Anna Kendrick, etc

22. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?Not that I know of

23. How do you vent your anger?Usually through violence and aggression. I yell. I scream. I throw things. I hit things. It’s the only thing that truly helps me. I can write and draw but it doesn’t help much at all.

24. Do you have a collection of anything? Movies. That’s the only thing that comes to mind.

25. Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Neither honestly. But if I had to choose…maybe talking on the phone.

26. Are you happy with the person you’ve become?No. But I hope to be someday.

27. What’s a sound you hate? Sound you love?Hate: high pitches like nails on a chalkboard and similar sounds Love: the sound of rain

28. What’s your biggest “what if?”What if I had been there when he died? What if I had gotten to say goodbye to him? Would I still be mourning him the way I do? Would it have made a difference in how/who I am now? I’ll never know. And it kills me.

29. Do you believe in ghosts? What about aliens?Yes to both. I’m not sure I’d call either of them that. But I definitely believe in both. I’ve had experiences that I can’t explain. And I find it hard to believe that out of the entire universe, we are on the only planet that has life.

30. Stick out your right arm, what’s the first thing you touch? Do the same to your left. Right: the arm of the couch. Left: the folded body pillow that we keep on the couch

31. Smell the air. What do you smell?The candle during. Lilacs.

32. What’s the worst place you’ve ever been to?The only place that comes to mind immediately was my ex’s mom’s house.

33. Choose: east coast or west coast?I’ve only ever been on the west coast

34. Most attractive singer of the opposite gender?I’m not sure exactly. But my favorite male singer would have to be M. Shadows from Avenged Sevenfold. I love his voice. He’s got nice tattoos and a great smile.

35. To you, what’s the meaning of life?I’m not sure I’ve found it yet

36. Define art. I don’t think I can. Art is subjective. Describing it depends on the piece. It depends on the person viewing the piece. I believe art is meant to make someone feel something though. It’s meant to express what the artist feels in some way. Whether it’s pain or beauty and anything and all in between.

37. Do you believe in luck?Something like that

38. What’s the weather like right now?Calm. Somewhat cloudy skies. Maybe a slight breeze.

39. What time is it?Currently, as I reach this question, 12:08am

40. Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?Not legally, yet. But I have crashed. Just about everything I’ve ever rode/driven. At least once.

41. What was the last book you read?Published book: The Art of Us by KL Hughes

42. Do you like the smell of gasoline?Not really

43. Do you have any nicknames?Spiffy is my most popular one. A few call me Midget. And family members call me one too, but I’m not saying that one.

44. What was the last film you saw?I’m currently watching Salt. But the last one I watched through and through was The House

45. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Probably whatever happened to my wrist. Considering it still hurts over a year later

46. Have you ever caught a butterfly?No. But I remember raising one from a caterpillar in elementary school and releasing them as butterflies.

47. Do you have any obsessions right now?Not that I know of

48. What’s your sexuality?Gay/lesbian

49. Ever had a rumor spread about you?I’ve had quite a few spread about me. I think the ones that effected my life at the time the most was that I was pregnant or that I was trans.

50. Do you believe in magic?I’m not sure

51. Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?Yes. Absolutely.

52. What’s your astrological sign?Taurus

53. Do you save money or spend it?A bit of both, but more so save it. I spend it on necessities for the most part and save the rest.

54. What’s the last thing you purchased?A smoothie, a lemonade, two bags of chips, and two boxes of donuts.

55. Love or lust?I’d rather have love

56. In a relationship?No

57. How many relationships have you had?4, technically. One only lasted like two weeks and was long distance so I don’t count it. One with a boy, 3 with girls.

58. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?Nope

59. Where were you yesterday?I know it’s technically past midnight but I haven’t slept yet so I’m going to say that it’s from the 9th. And I was at work.

60. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?Yes. My stuffed dog I’ve had for as long as I can remember

61. Are you wearing socks right now?No

62. What’s your favorite animal?Probably otters

63. What’s is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?I don’t know. I don’t think I have one. I don’t care if people like me or not.

64. Where is your best friend?Probably in bed at home. I don’t know.

65. Give me your top 5 blogs on tumblr.Some that come to mind are @eatmeoutnowbabe@ericajonorris@perksofbeingalesbian@yourgaydarisonpoint@youknow-me-not-my-story

66. What is your heritage?I’m Native American

67. What were you doing last night at 12am?Laying in bed

68. What do you think is Satan’s last name?Probably something cheesy and harmless sounding

69. Be honest. Have you ever gotten yourself off?Never

70. Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?Kind of. To an extent

71. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?Save the dog. Fuck my boss. I can find a different job. That said, my actual boss, wouldn’t do that to me

72. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. A) do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? B) what do you do with your remaining days? C) would you be afraid?A. Maybe a few people, but not everyoneB. Live my life to the fullest that I canC. I don’t think so

73. You can only have one of these things: trust or love?I think this is a trick question. I think they go hand in hand a bit. But I choose trust over love.

74. What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?Not sure really. Maybe Goodbye Earl by the Dixie Chicks. It reminds me of some good times in my childhood

75. What are the last 4 digits of your cell phone number?7260

76. In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?Open communication. Trust. Honesty.

77. How can I win your heart?Can’t win what I don’t have

78. Can insanity bring more creativity?Maybe to an extent

79. What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Getting Dexter

80. What size shoes do you wear?Depends on the brand and style. But anywhere from 5-7

81. What do you want to be written on your tombstone?“I’m not easy to kill…fuck”

82. What is your favorite word?Fuck

83. Give me the first word that comes to your mind when you hear the word; heart?Less

84. What is a saying you say a lot?“It is what it is”

85. What’s the last song you listened to?Follow Me by Uncle Kracker

86. Basic question: what is your favorite color/colors?Black

87. What is your current desktop picture?I’ll reblog a picture of it. I posted it before

88. If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?My mom’s ex-boyfriend’s son

89. What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?I’m not sure, honestly

90. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find out you are surrounded by mummies. The mummies aren’t doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?Tell them to fuck off. Or kill them. Depends I guess

91. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with a superpower of your choice. What is that power?Transfiguration/shapeshifting

92. You can relive any point of time in your life. The timespan can only be a half hour, though. What half hour of your life would you like to experience again?Any time I had with my best friend before he died. I don’t care if it’s us playing. Or sleeping. I just want one more moment with him

93. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?Nothing. My past has made me who I am. I am a product of all that I have been through. I may not like myself, but this is who I am. If something hadn’t happened, I may not be the me I am now. It’s up to me to change and become the person I want to be with everything that’s happened.

94. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice. Who will it be?Probably Lynn Gunn. Maybe Lauren Jauregui

95. You just got a free plane ticket to go anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you going to go?I don’t know specifics. Somewhere where no one knows my name or my story. Somewhere where I’m free to be whoever I want to be 96. Do you have any relatives in jail?Probably. I think my cousin is in prison. Looking at like 25 years I think.

97. Have you ever thrown up in a car?Not that I remember. But I heard that I did when I was black out drunk a few years back

98. Ever been on a plane?Yes. Quite a few times. But only for visits to two places.

99. Answered

[comeoncomeout41]

Prepare to stay here awhile 'cause I'm about to ask you everything I don't know about you :) 1, 5, 6, 11, 12, 13 (other than writing), 23, 24, 25, 29, 30, 31, 34, 36, 37, 38, 39, 43, 45, 47, 48, 49, 52, 53, 59, 65, 74, 83, 86, 91, 96, 98, 99

This did not take as long as I thought it would but here goes:

1. My middle name is Page without the “i”

5. Favorite color is Green

6. Lucky number 41!

11. I don’t know how many pairs of shoes I own and at this point I’m too afraid to count..

12. Supercorp. You know they live in my mind rent free

13. I mean I don’t know if it’s a talent necessarily but I can touch my tongue to my nose..

23. I have met Jeff Cook from the band Alabama. Which you don’t know who they are lol but they had some hits! my mom does his wife’s hair and also cuts his hair, so I’ve met them both.

24. Showers but I do love a bath to relax occasionally

25. Not wearing socks lol but usually I wear black socks

29. I have been skinny dipping. More than once

30. I’m one of those weird people who only sleeps with one pillow. I have four on my bed but they always end up on the floor

31. I sleep on my stomach so sometimes that one pillow gets pushed off the bed too LOL

34. I have fired a gun, a couple of different kinds of guns actually but I don’t like it. It’s too loud and honestly scares the shit out of me.

36. Favorite clean word? “Literally”

37. Favorite swear word? “Fuck” i just feel like it has a lot of uses

38. I went around 36 hours without sleep once when I was working two jobs and someone called in on a morning shift. I had been awake since 3pm the previous day, worked at the restaurant, worked at the hotel overnight, had to stay for the morning shift at the hotel and go back to work at the restaurant that same afternoon. I worked for 36 hours straight essentially and then crashed out for two days. As someone who needs 12 hours a day to function, I have not recovered since.

39. I have one stretch mark that runs vertically next to my belly button on my left side.

43. I can’t do any other accents other than my southern accent.. well. Doesn’t mean I don’t try. My southern accent does get thicker around my incredibly southern family though.

45. My favorite accent is Katie’s Irish accent LOL

47. My most expensive piece of clothing are the Vans i just bought for myself. I refuse to spend more than $20 on any item of clothing other than shoes.

48. I cannot curl my tongue

49. I have an innie

52. Favorite food is Mexican

53. Favorite foreign food? Indian.

59. I am a monster who bites lollipops

65. Best dramatic movie I’ve seen.. I’m going to go with Room

74. I’m not ticklish at all

83. How fast can I run? Am I being chased? I don’t “run”

86. I’m allergic to grass

91. I do like my name. Especially my last name.

96. My dad named me Tiffany but my mom wanted to name me Jada. So that’s why I let her name my son seeing as both of my brother’s were named after their dads and she didn’t get to name me.

98. See number 39 because this is the same question lol

99. My bedspread is grey, white, and black. My sheets are grey. I have a lot of neutral tones in my house. My walls are agreeable grey. But i have pops of colors throughout. Reds, blues, and greens.

[6-v-6]

tagged by @artfulkey and @ringdingdongenthusiast  🦄✨

How much sleep do you get? What do you do when you can’t sleep? I get around 7 hours of sleep, but if I’m not doing anything the next day I’ll sleep for like 10... when I can’t sleep I just lie in bed with my eyes closed contemplating the cruelties of life. Or go on my phone

What’s your best feature (physical or mental)? nothin?? Okay uh I’m pretty loyal. Like I don’t make friends easily and I’m terrible at social situations and talking to people so I have like 3 friends but if I consider you a friend I’m ride or die

What are the top 3 things you admire about your bias and why? Taemin’s drive. He’s like me in that he’s on the quieter side and more reserved with his physical affections so I relate to him a lot and I often wish that I could be so driven to achieve the heights he has. If Taemin wants something, he’s very much willing to put in the blood, sweat, and tears to get it. Number two is his dancing skills. I love dance and he is phenomenal, and what initially drew me to shinee in the first place. Lastly his perseverance. When he started off he was ridiculed and essentially laughed at for being tone deaf and instead of let that crush him he turned it into his motivation. I wish I could do that lol. 

If you could tell your bias anything what would you say? I hope you know that your voice and your dancing has touched so many people. That it’s become a strength for a lot of people who have no one else. I hope that you’re happy with the person you’ve become, and if you aren’t yet I hope you will be one day

What an album that you haven’t listened to for a while but will always hold a special place in your heart? uhh I’ve never been big on albums. Maybe the Eyes of Tomorrow album by Broken Iris. I haven’t listened to that in a few years but it... got me through a lot. Before shinee or any kpop group, that was the band I listened to that helped me through some tough times

Why do you study/work in the area that you do? cuz it’s the only thing I’m relatively good at. But I also genuinely enjoy the aspect of writing that involves world-building, and I like to create characters and build them up from nothing into diverse individuals with complex relationships

If someone wanted to befriend you, what should they do/say? ah, like I mentioned it’s kind of hard, I think, to be friends with me? Because I’m so horribly awkward. Usually if you want to be friends with me, you have to put in a lot of effort ;;; to maintain contact or reach out to me first ;; because I’ll always feel annoying or unimportant so I hardly ever reach out to people first. And most people don’t want to put in the effort to be friends with me so I’m #alone. Seriously lol in all 4 years of college I’ve made 0 friends.

Out of the people that you know irl or online, who is the most similar to your bias and why? no one??? Okay maybe my best friend angelie @silverznight is similar to taemin in that she works super hard towards her goals and she’s done a lot and gone through a lot to get there

If you could drastically change one thing about your life with no negative consequences what would you change? lmao. can i change the gender i was born as?? My appearance? My height? My career? My personality? 

You have the opportunity to spend the day with your bias in your hometown. What do you do/where do you go with them? god... what does taemin like to do.. I’d take him to a billiards hall. Maybe Dave & Busters which is this giant arcade place. There’s billiards there. We’d just play around and chat over some drinks

Post a selfie (of yourself or your bias) that you love. I copied lou and put it up above ^ I don’t love any selfie so those are just the most recent from this morning

Okay now on to Lou’s questions!

1. Post one of your most loved pictures of your bias and say what you like about the picture. 

what is there not to love about this pic.... that’s the true question 2. What is something that you think people admire about yourself? legitimately nothing my dude 3. Is there something that you believe you and your bias have in common?  yeah!! Like I mentioned earlier, Taemin and I are similar in that we’re both on the quieter side in social situations. Awkward. Yet super comfortable and loud and goofy with close friends. Also we both are more averted to initiating physical contact, but fine with it when others initiate it 4. What is a food that you hated as a kid but actually enjoy now? I don’t think there is one? I still hate the foods that I hated as a kid 5. Which country would you choose to be born in, if not your home country? uhhhhhh I’m not sure. Sometimes I wonder about if my mom hadn’t been adopted though, and if I had been born in Korea, how things would be different.  6. What’s your favourite dance practice video? FUCK....... YOU CANT PULL THIS ON ME. Kay no it’s the War of Hormone bts one because it’s absolutely adorable and silly and one of the first ones I watched back when I was just discovering them 7. Is there a song that always gets stuck in your head when you hear it? hmm songs in general all tend to get stuck in my head. Can’t think of one that stands out 8. What’s an album that you haven’t listened to for a while but means a lot to you? Answered above in Bella’s question! 9. If you had the choice, as well as your mother tongue, what language would you choose to be fluent in? Japanese? Because I’ve spent 9 billions years trying to learn it and its so hard?? Let me be fluent already?? Or maybe Vietnamese so that I could talk to my bestie in her mother language 10. What are the qualities that you admire most about your bias? I feel like I answered this in bella’s third question so ^^ 11. What is a feature that you like about yourself? Nothing my dude 

My questions:

Would you rather be a leader or a follower?

If you could go anywhere in the world right at this moment, where would you choose to go?

What aspect of your bias would you want to steal for your own? (singing talent, dancing talent, etc)

Do you follow strict routines or do you let the wind take you where it will?

Which do you prefer: familiar places or unfamiliar places?

If you could travel anywhere in the world with anyone you wanted, where would you go and who would you take?

Describe one strange/unique quirk of yours

What’s an impulse you’ve always wanted to follow but never have? (cutting your hair, moving, switching careers, etc)

What’s your personal aesthetic?

Where do you go when you want to be alone?

You woke up with a superpower! What is it?

tagging

@blingjonghyun @tofnew @sataeminism @choiminoh @silverznight @leejinklies @sluthyun only if u want to ofc

[caraelii-blog]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, My Girlfriend Is An Alcoholic

Hello all you interweb heartbubbles of desire, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the official dating advice column of The New Donk Times.

This week, we’re going to be talking about handling the hard questions in a relationship. When your partner is struggling with an addiction that’s out of their control, how long can you continue to support them? At what point are you just enabling their addictions? And when do you reach the point where you have to accept that you have to save yourself first?

It’s time to dig in for some radical self-care.

Let’s do this.

Hey Doc,

First, just want to thank you for all that you do and have written. You provide solid advice and even though I’ve generally not been in similar situations, I’ve gotten a good read and had some introspection from your articles. That’s the only reason I even feel remotely okay about giving this a shot.

I have been dating my current girlfriend just over one year now. We met on a dating site, but things generally moved very fast. Two months into our relationship, and on Christmas night no less, my girlfriend was diagnosed with stage one cervical cancer. It was detected very early and was treatable with a procedure and a little bit of chemo. She moved in about a month and half after the diagnosis, as we were originally about 2 hours apart with me making frequent trips to see her. The cancer definitely sped things up.

I am not normally a fast moving person with relationships, but what can I say... I love the girl.

I’ve always considered myself to be “good” at relationships. Far from being a serial monogamist, I’ve only been in 3 serious relationships in my 32 years and fewer flings or other not-serious things. I value communication, do my best to be very open and honest about things and put a priority on the ‘us’. I hold my temper to make sure that when I speak, it’s not out of anger or bitterness but to always benefit and reach a positive outcome. I consider myself understanding and forgiving and patient, knowing things aren’t going to fix themselves overnight and without work and effort.

Our relationship is great. Except for one glaring problem that threatens everything. She’s an alcoholic.

I didn’t realize it immediately. One day, just after her diagnosis, I picked up on it as she had - and I don’t blame her - got pretty drunk. When I visited, the same conversation happened 6 or 7 times as she kept going in a circle. All things considered, I paid little note of it at the time.

Fast forward, and I see more of it. We go out for our first Valentine’s and she gets trashed at a bar, stumbling through the place, slurred words, unable to stand.

Another night of heavy drinking for her results in some rather harsh and nasty comments and a fight that I bite my tongue through. We talk about it in the morning, she’s apologetic, but doesn’t remember the details but says she’ll do better.

There are two or three more of these, each time we talk in the morning and I bring up the problem of her drinking. She says it’s better than what she used to do. It’s better than what she could be doing. She admits to being an alcoholic. Promises to work on it.

One night she comes home drunk. Falls more than once. Trips going up the stairs. Falls off the toilet. Falls off the bed. Wets the bed.

We talk in the morning. It’s more productive. She works on it more, trying to balance alcohol without it just taking over. Her job is bad - bartender. But she tries. Still usually a drink after work on the house. Sometimes at 2pm.

She gets a better job. She’s happier. I start a new schedule, working early mornings at 5 AM. We’re each in the food industry. She closes.

Fast forward, she keeps working on it. Yet, after work her habit is to stop at the 711 and pick up 2 or 3 19-22oz beers. They’ll be gone that night. If she’s having a bad day, a ‘tall boy’ is the solution. 10am? Sure.

I’ve pointed all this out - she just wants a beer or two to relax, yet the bad memories of the past fights keep coming back and then the more present issue: at least twice a month she wets the bed. Originally she blamed it on the cancer and the procedure - I understood. I accepted it somehow. But the more it went on the more it became clear that it’s related to drinking. It’s... hard to talk about, to not embarrass her about it when I know she wakes up equally frustrated as I do.

When drinking, she snores hard, frequently waking me up and making it very hard to go back to sleep, even after I go to the couch. This affects my work in the morning, and as a tipped employee it can be noticeable. Ask Girls Questions And then I can’t even nap when I get home because the bed has piss in it. If I were bringing in two or three times the amount of money she does it wouldn’t be as much of an issue but I’m essentially supporting us right now. I don’t even know how much she spends on beer for herself a month.

She says it’s not as bad as months ago when it lead to fights and her stumbling and falling around. But less than a month ago she, at 1am, was out walking in a not good part a neighborhood that is already riddled with crime and drugs. She saw no problem with this when she was drunk and was offended when I came and found her.

When we’ve talked, I’ve told her how it makes me feel - how it makes me worry, not just when she’s out drinking with friends - but for her legitimate health and safety. I’ve done my best to not be a hypocrite - I love a good drink and would say that I drink above average. I may on occasion drink a beer right after work at 1 or 2pm, so when she does it I end up not saying anything because I don’t want to be a hypocritical jackass. I have both a higher tolerance and a disdain for ever getting drunk.

What I do know is that her drinking puts me off. It turns me off, and the numerous sleepless nights and the worries and stresses associated with it have beaten me down. When she starts day drinking I usually end up not saying anything and just defaulting to a defensive mode where I distance myself. We have talked about that and I’ve been working on my reaction to her drinking. But this last month has hit me very emotionally hard with a death in the family and I’ve been having my own struggles.

With her drinking so much I can’t even find it in me to talk to her about my shit let alone her shit, and now there is a noticeable distance forming. I was going to push to talk with her last night but ... Lo and behold, 11:30pm she gets home from work and at 11:31 she has a beer. 3am she comes to bed. Before 5 it’s wet for the 4th time this month.

I don’t know how to communicate to her that she is poisoning both herself and everything in her life. The worst part is that she thinks she’s doing better. But I don’t understand how 60oz of beer 4 or 5 times a week is better. There’s just no fighting now.

I love her. When she’s sober and inspired she shines in a rare and beautiful way. But when she drinks it’s like some mimic has taken her place. I’m angered, tired, frustrated, worried and just not sure how to proceed. I’m afraid that I’m just going to end up doing something bitter or spiteful or mean out of just being so tired and stressed upon her cracking a beer open before I talk to her about it. I don’t want to be bitter towards her. I don’t want this relationship to end because of an addiction. And I don’t want to wake up in her piss anymore.

Sincerely,Getting Pissy

Alright, it’s time for some hard truths, GP. Your relationship isn’t great. Your relationship is, quite frankly, going down hill at a breakneck pace and the only question that’s left is whether someone’s going to hit the emergency brakes or it’s going to go careening into a wall… and whether you’re going to be there when it does.

You set yourself up for dating on nightmare mode difficulty, GP, even before the alcohol came into play. Being in a relationship with someone while they’re dealing with a potentially life-threatening illness, even when it’s been caught early, is going to test even the strongest relationships. But this cropped up when you two had just barely started dating… and that’s where the trouble began. Relationships that begin in dramatic situations are rarely the most stable, and yours began in one of the most dramatic situations possible.

As a result: you and your sweetie rushed through things into commitment and… well, quite frankly, under different circumstances I think this relationship might never have happened at all. If the cancer diagnosis hadn’t cropped up, I suspect that you would’ve discovered her alcoholism far sooner. And if you had? Well, something tells me the result would’ve been hey, peace out cub scout, have a nice life, call me after you get sober.

But you didn’t. And to be quite honest, I think the “my girlfriend had cancer” issue is part of why you’re sticking around, in its way.

At first, it’s an understandable thing: she’s going through an insanely difficult time and yeah, I’d probably drink too. I’ve got several friends who dealt with cancer diagnoses in the last few years and there’s not a one of them I’d begrudge a liquid opportunity to just not think about it for a while.

But then, as you said, you can’t pretend it’s cancer any more. It’s a different disease entirely. But you helped nurse her through cancer. There’s almost certainly that part of you that thinks you can help her through this too. But here’s the thing: you can’t. You aren’t qualified to help her, not in the way she needs. You’re not an addiction specialist. You’re not trained in counseling or recovery assistance. And, to be perfectly blunt, she doesn’t want to get help yet.

I’m not the biggest fan of Alcoholics Anonymous for a multitude of reasons, but there’s one thing that they say that I (kind of) agree with: you can’t force someone to get help before they’re ready. I don’t think she needs to hit rock bottom (and I’d think regularly-drunk-to-the-point-of-incontinence would be near as dammit) but I definitely don’t think she’s ready to admit that this is a problem she needs to deal with.

But then again… neither are you. It’s admirable that you care so much for her. It says a lot about you as a person that you’ve held on this long. But it’s an inescapable fact that she’s not your girlfriend, she’s your anchor and she’s dragging you down with her.

Now, I get it. You love her and when she’s sober, things are great. But not only is she almost never sober from what you’re telling me, but you’re so busy dealing with her messes that your own life is falling apart. You’re the only thing keeping the two of you afloat financially right now; how long can you maintain that with the way things are going?

How many more sleepless nights, how much more unprocessed emotional stress, how many more weeks of not being able to deal with the death in your family can you make it through before you lose that last finger-grip that’s holding everything together? Because that day is coming.

There’s a reason why we’re told to adjust our own oxygen masks before helping others with theirs.

Don’t get me wrong: I know damn good and well how hard it is to acknowledge that your relationship is fucked. I know you don’t want to be the guy who left his Girlfriend With Cancer, his Girlfriend With the Alcohol Problem. You want to hold on to the belief that you can beat this, that you can pull her to sobriety and bring back that amazing, shining woman you catch glimpses of. But you can’t. Only she can do that. And she. Does. Not. Want. To.

She’s sinking, man. And she’s going to take her with you if you don’t let go.

I know. I know already that you don’t want to hear this and that you’re not going to let go yet. I know you’re going to try again. And if you’re going to do that, then you can make it an ultimatum. You can tell her that if she doesn’t go to rehab or get into addiction counseling that you’re breaking up. And she may very well go. For a while.

And then she’s going to be “recovered”. Until the first drink again because hey, she’s got this under control. And then the second because come on, she’s had a bad day. And then the third because well she’s a bartender, she’s got to, you know? And then you’re going to wake up in a bed full of piss again.

Find a support group for spouses and loved ones of alcoholics, because you’re going to need that support. You’re going to need people who can tell you that you can’t be responsible for someone else’s sobriety and recovery.

But I’m not going to sugar-coat it. You need to get out. You can’t save her, dude. What you need to do right now is save yourself. And who knows. Maybe knowing that her drinking drove you away will be the kick in the ass that she needs to get sober.

This doesn’t have to be forever. You can circle back around when she reaches her one year or two year sobriety anniversary. But right now? You need to get the fuck out. To quote the sage: you may love her, yeah. But you need to love you more.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Hello Mr. O’Malley,

I really enjoy your love advice and it has helped me through a bunch of heartache. I also have been to one of your seminars in Austin and you were amazing. If I come across a puzzling problem in my relationship I usually turn to your advice and it helps a great deal.

Recently though I have hit a wall with my current boyfriend. We have been dating for two years and things have been going great, he is a very ambitious, supportive and we make a good team. But earlier this year he had to experience the trauma of one of his siblings passing away in a tragic way. Understandably he became distant and tried as I might I could not comfort him. He told me that there wasn’t any way I could understand him and he was right, what could I do?

Any kind of positive talks from me only made him upset, so I left him alone for a while. Not long after he became close with a former “friend” (they used to mess around before we dated) and they started hanging out quite a bit. I don’t have a problem with him hanging with his female friends and I’m usually involved, but he would seem to go out of his way to exclude me when they hung out which isn’t like him, and it rubbed me the wrong way.

When I confronted him about it he admitted that she had a similar incident happen recently and he feels that she can actually relate to him. He doesn’t tell me about their meetings because he knows I’ll be uncomfortable. Hearing this felt awful.

I feel the problem is me and my insecurities ,which I am working through,are getting the better of me, she gives him comfort where I have failed. He says he loves me and loves her also but only as a friend and that he can be trusted. He now lets me know if they are hanging out when I ask but still sketchy things happen from time to time. The grieving process is a long painful journey and I can’t imagine what he is going through, but I am afraid of something more than a friendship blossoming between them. I love him but is there nothing more I can do? Or am I hurting our relationship by looking way too much into their intentions?

-Anxious and Uncertain

One of the things that nobody tells you about death is how much it fucks with the living. When someone you love dies, it completely upends your life in ways you never expected. Things that were important to you are suddenly meaningless and things that you neglected become the most important thing in your world. I’ve had two relationships self-destruct because my girlfriend had a death in the family that made her reprioritize how badly she wanted to be in a relationship at that moment.

Grief is a motherfucker too. You will find yourself thinking and feeling the most fucked up thoughts in the lead up to someone dying and in the aftermath. You will get unbelievably pissed at people for the most innocuous and innocent of reasons. You will get fed up with the condolences, the “I’m so sorries”, the “you’re in my prayers” and “sending healing thoughts your way”. You will yell at people who really just want to try to comfort you but they can’t because we as a culture are so uncomfortable with death that we hide it away and don’t know how to handle it.

Here’s what’s going on with your boyfriend: he’s grieving. And there really is no roadmap for grief because nobody will ever be honest with you about just how much it’s going to fuck you over. Nobody warns you that you that the only truly honest moment about grief comes from a 20 year old television show about goddamn vampires. He’s frustrated and he’s angry with God and the universe and there is literally nowhere for his anger to go right now because there’s nothing to be done about it but let it pass in it’s own time. And as soon as he thinks he’s feeling ok, the loss of his sibling is going to hit him like a hammer and it’s all going to start over again.

And as much as you want to comfort him, you can’t. Not because of anything you’re doing wrong, but because there is no comfort to be had here. There’s just commiseration at how fucking unfair it is. And that’s where his ex-fuckbuddy comes in. She’s been there. She knows just how much this sucks and how he can’t really express how he’s feeling because how the in pluperfect hell are you supposed to tell your girlfriend about all the fucked up thoughts and emotions you’re feeling right now when you don’t fully understand them and you feel like the worst person in the world?

So yeah. He’s spending time with her because they’ve got this shared trauma and right now, he needs someone who gets it. There’s something akin to comfort to be had there, that knowledge of just how unfair the universe is now that it has this hole in it where their loved one used to be.

You can’t prevent him from developing feelings for someone - even if grief wasn’t a factor right now - but trying to monitor and regulate his relationships? That’s going to be a great way to blow up the relationship while you’re trying to save it.

If you love your boyfriend and you trust him, then you need to trust him. It sounds like he’s been pretty up and up with you, especially after you told him your concerns.

Just as importantly: be there. You may not have the same understanding he’s looking for but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be there for him. Be the person he can go to without needing to say anything because I can tell you from experience: there will be many, many times when the last thing he wants is more words.

He’s going to need someone who can just hold him and who he can finally just let it all out when he’s ready. He’s going to need someone who can listen when all that grief comes pouring out of him and who, without saying a word, can wrap him in her arms until the sobbing stops.

That’s what you can do for him right now. Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

Long time follower of your column here. You’re the love expert in my book, so maybe you can help me figure out my non-existent love life.

You see, I’m a girl and ever since I was a kid, I figured I was gay. As a 6-year-old, I loved to be dressed as a boy, I was a tomboy and I wanted to hold hands with girls and hang out with the other guys. At that age, you might file it under ‘just a tomboy phase’ and I certainly didn’t think much of it as a young person because I didn’t understand the technicalities of being gay back then and it certainly didn’t affect my life, what with being in school and stuff.

As I got older, I realized I was physically attracted to girls. I am ok looking, I’d say, so whenever I got some sort of attention from guys, I felt repulsed and a bit offended. I always figured I’d be interested in a guy if he was incredibly good looking and incredibly interesting. Super shallow stuff, I know.

But in the meantime, I kept ogling girls in secret. My mother has low-key commented that being gay is not something she’d be absolutely fine with but she’d understand. My father, though, would absolutely hate it with a deep passion. So I’ve been “in the closet” my entire life.

I’m entering my 30s now and I’ve never kissed, dated or interacted with another human being in a romantic way. Mostly because I’m insecure as to what I want and how it would affect my life and mostly my family. I do get lonely from time to time but I think as of today, I am perfectly comfortable being alone and I’m used to it to the point where I NEED to be by myself at least for a few hours of the day to feel ok.

Here’s my dilemma though: As of late, I have trouble differentiating between attraction and friendship with girls. I hate to ruin the way I interact with a friend because I can’t tell the difference.

Guys? I see them as equals and while, hate to admit it, I would love to get laid, I’m not sure if be comfortable with a guy because I’ve never ever been attracted to one! And how would it work with a girl? I mean, I know HOW but I’m not sure if that’s the route I want to take?

I’m very confused, if you haven’t gathered, and I don’t know what to do. This causes me to go into depressive moods every now and then but I’ve learned to live with them. I guess I do need help but I don’t know what kind of help if be looking for. Help me, please?

Sincerely,No Love, No life

On occasion, I’ll get a question that isn’t quite in my wheelhouse and I like to get advice from some friends of mine. In this case, I reached out to my friend and actual doctor, coach and psychologist Dr. Liz Powell of Sex-Positive Psych.

Here’s what she had to say:

It seems like there are a couple distinct issues here - insecurity/costs of being closeted and how to do dating/read signals. As to the former, it sounds like part of what might have been getting in the way of you dating, NLNL, is that part of you knows that serious dating will likely lead to a situation where you either a) pull the classic “she’s my roommate and best friend” trick or b) come clean and possibly have a big family blow up.

Being in the closet is really really taxing on the brain and heart because in essence, it requires that you pretend to be someone you’re not. That’s unlikely to ever get easier and as long as the possible family blow up is in the back of your mind it’s going to make opening yourself up to someone and sharing your heart with them much much harder. I would ask you to consider what it is that’s leading you to continue being closeted at this point in your life. Are you reliant on your dad for financial support? Could his anger/upset with you lead to violence or serious harm? Is there something significant that makes coming out unsafe for you?

I’m asking these questions because I know how scary this kind of situation can be. I first came out as bisexual/queer when I was 17. I told my mother shortly after I started the process of coming out and she threw a big screaming crying fit and then, the next day, it was like nothing had happened. I came out to her several times over the next few years before it finally stuck. The time it stuck, my mom threatened to disown me AND to divorce my dad if he didn’t do the same. 13 years later, my mom wished me a happy pride when I marched in the parade with my then partner who was genderqueer and AFAB. All this to say that people change. Even people who throw big fits and ask you if you have sex with trees or animals. So is staying closeted worth the stress it’s causing you?

As to the latter portion of your question, of COURSE it’s easier to interact with guys - there’s nothing at risk there. You talk about how to figure out if someone is a friend or if they want to date you, and I have a really challenging thing to recommend: ask. The thing I’ve noticed in communities of queer women (or people socialized as women) is that lots of people want to date, but no one wants to make the first move. I’ve heard this referred to as “lesbian sheep syndrome,” based off of the fable that when actual literal sheep are lesbians, they just stand there presenting themselves to each other and expecting the other to mount them. I’ve been back on OKCupid a week and while every cisgender guy and masculine of center person I’ve talked to has asked me for a meetup, none of the women or femme of center folks have. None. And I haven’t asked them for a meetup. We’re just chatting and flirting and waiting for someone else to broach the subject.

If what you want is to date, at some point you’re going to have to let the person you want to date KNOW that you want to date them. In a way, that involves coming out, at least to them, because otherwise all the queer hotties you’re talking to will have no idea that you want to date them. Sometimes we can’t know whether we want to date someone or be their friend until we give the dating a shot, so I would recommend that you go the route of just asking someone out. In the worst case scenario, they say no, you thank them, and then you go back to hanging out. If they say yes, then you can go on some dates with them. It sounds like you already have some important self-knowledge about what you need in a relationship when it comes to space and alone time, so keep that in mind if/when dating becomes more serious, but right now, you’re just going on a date. I know that the joke is that a lesbian brings a U-Haul to her second date, but really your relationship can move at whatever pace and with whatever kinds of commitment and time fits for you.

So go out there! Take some chances!

There you go, NLNL. Best thing you can do when it comes to figuring out if someone’s into you and wants a date: take your shot and see.

Good luck.

Have you had a relationship with someone with an addiction? Have you helped a partner going through a major loss or trauma? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. We’ll be back with more of your questions in two weeks.

Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotaku’s bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris O’Malley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question you’d like answered? Writedoc@doctornerdlove.com and put “Kotaku” in the subject line.

Harris O’Malley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blogPaging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geek’s Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold He is also a regular guest at One Of Us

[zelwin]

@peepstercrue23​ Accidentally sent me all the questions and then said to just answer the ones I wanted to, but I’m doing them all because I have nothing better to do.

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed? Depends, if the door slides open I don’t care, but if it swings open it has to stay closed.

(2) Do You Have Freckles? Sure do.

(3) Can You Whistle? Yes, I do it all the time.

(4) Last Song You Listened To. “Spring Cleaning” by Hi I’m Case

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour? Lime Green or Hot Pink

(6) Relationship Status. Taken, more or less.

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now? 45 degrees Fahrenheit

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky? Almost always, I just don’t sleep enough.

(9) How Many Followers? 226

(10) Zodiac Sign. Gemini

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour? The darkest brown.

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily? No, I should, but I don’t.

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower? If I’m home alone, yes.

(14) What Books Are You Reading? None at the moment, which is super sad.

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14. “Screw you, I’m driving as fast as this piece of shit will go.” - From ‘Hero’ by Perry Moore

(16) Favourite Anime? Log Horizon

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of? My sister, in her car.

(18) Do You Collect Anything? Do regrets count? 

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch? A bagel the size of my head.

(20) Do You Dance In The Car? All the time. :D

(21) Favourite Animal? Tigers and Turtles, equally.

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics? I used to, now I’m always working when they’re on.

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed? Bed by 10 or so, asleep by... 2-3am?

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now? Nope.

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean? Pool, I don’t like sand.

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog? caffeinewitchcraft

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water? Tap water in a bottled water bottle (refills forever.)

(28) What Makes You Happy? Rain, music, days off work, iced tea, naps, and David.

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now. Link

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music? With, always.

(31) Dogs Or Cats? Cats

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be? Cerulean

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox. Play Station (But really the Switch.)

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean? Ocean, lakes smell funny.

(35) Do You Believe In Magic? Yes.

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing? Burgundy and gray stripes.

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue? Yes, but only once, can’t do tongue clovers.

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It? Spend it, I’m terrible.

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You? My pillowcase that I’m laying on, a couple of my pens, my hair brush...

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now? If people count, yes, David, if they don’t, no.

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly? No, but that’s okay, they’re free spirits and don’t deserve to be caught.

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People? Unfortunately, yes.

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams? Only every time I sleep.

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes? I don’t know, I’ve never been on one.

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry. A Monster Calls

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds? I eat peanuts more often, but Sunflower Seeds are much better.

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be? Kesha or Joywave

(48) Are You A Picky Eater? Not really.

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper? Incredibly, I can sleep through anything.

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning? Not at all, I’m the crazy person dancing outside during a thunderstorm.

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write? Both in varying amounts.

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud? No, I don’t care if it’s loud, so long as I can hear everything going on in it.

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents? Wrap presents, it’s not as messy and I don’t feel I have to try as hard to be creative.

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up? ‘Coming Attractions’ by Chris Jobe

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather) Fall, kind of gloomy, it’s been raining/drizzling for a few hours now.

(56)What Are You Craving Right Now? Affection or blue cheese, not sure.

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed. [No thanks, it’s porn right now.]

(58) What Is Your Gender? Cisgendered Male

(59) Coffee Or Tea? Tea, every time.

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About? Nope.

(61) What Is Your Sexuality? Somewhere between Asexual and Rampant Homosexual.

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

(63) Favourite Pokemon? Squirtle, always has been.

(64) Favourite Social Media? . . . There’s something other than this hellsite?

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories? I don’t know her.

(66) Do You Get Homesick? I’ve never been away from home long enough.

(67) Are You A Virgin? Yes.

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now? Whole Blends “Honey Treasures”

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free? Rent a crappy motel room, it’s probably not sanitary, but I can’t sleep in a car overnight without waking up feeling like a glowstick.

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life? Yes.

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters? Thor: Ragnarok

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex? Depends on the Ex? Some yes, some no.

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now? “Contouring is for women who want to leech the souls of their dead lovers, and collect the inheritance of their ex-boyfriends who disappeared under mysterious circumstances.” - Sailor J

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest? Hazel

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set? Yes and no, respectively.

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate? Pecan Donut from Harris Teeter

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone? 1010, looking for more I’d enjoy though.

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not? Yes, because I’ve been trained to do it and anyone deserves to have their life saved.

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight? Today? No. Ever? Absolutely.

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network? Accidentally, maybe.

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People? Not really.

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them. That would involve turning on a light, and I don’t want to do that, but it’s essentially this: Link

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed? Closed, mostly because I’m the last one awake and I don’t want people peeping at me while I’m still snoozing.

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today? Discovered Sailor J, tried to walk home from work (and made my sister mad at me by doing so), and answered all these questions.

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed? Pajamas? Todays are blue plaid bottoms and a burgundy and gray striped shirt (the one I mentioned a while ago)

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now. A few different nail polishes (various shades of green and blue), L’oreal quick blue hair bleach, and various hair dyes (Arctic Fox Virgin Pink and Sunset Orange and a box of L’oreal Feria Deep Burgundy)

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person? I’m filling this out at 2am. Night person.

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc. That’d be a long list, but right now I’m playing 1010 on my phone, Super Mario Odyssey on my Switch, and Final Fantasy 14 on my laptop.

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened. One time when I was I think in middle school I dreamed about these electric slime monsters that could travel through the power lines and wanted to eat people. I spent the entire dream finding the half-eaten bodies of my loved ones.

(90) Favourite Soda Drink? I can’t drink soda anymore (I voluntarily gave it up, and now if I try to drink it the carbonation murders me) but I *really* miss Coca Cola.

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite? Calm breathing, thunderstorms, heartbeats, and acoustic guitars.

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More? Pants are for cold people.

(93) How Do You Look Right Now? Tired and frumpy but comfortable.

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You. Talking to myself.

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want? More trees! I want my own forest!

(96) Favourite YouTuber? Corinne from Threadbanger 

[seriestrash]

London’s Calling

1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 || 11 || 12 || 13

Epilogue: Forever

Word Count: 1515

☏ ☏ ☏ ☏

Two weeks pass since her final day at school and Riley is back in her old New York apartment. She’d only been back in the country for the day and there were already boxes sprawled across her room, just like the day she left. 

It’s weird, to just ‘pick up where she left off’. Riley already knew she wouldn’t be able to slot into her old life like nothing happened. Even though on paper that’s essentially what she was doing. Same apartment, same school, same after school hang out spot, even most of the same friends. That misplaced feeling she had during her visit in Spring Break returns, the one Riley predicated she’d have until she readjusts. Strangeness aside she’s ultimately relieved to be back. 

It’s late - late for Riley at least - just after 10pm. Riley had briefly seen the two geniuses and Zay when she arrived. Of course Maya was there too but she stayed long after their other friends left. The blonde practically handcuffed herself to the brunette the moment she landed. Riley quickly became overwhelmed with the new-old life change and during dinner Riley delicately tried to hint at Maya to leave so she could have a moment alone to process things. Too excited to have her best friend back Maya wasn’t catching on but luckily Topanga picked up on it and suggested that Riley gets an early nights sleep. Alone. Making light of it of course Topanga tells the very pouty blonde that she has nothing to worry about because Riley was back and they had forever to spend with each other. 

Thankful for her mother having her back Riley retreated to her room where she spent a few hours going through her boxes. Trying to decide if she wanted to set her room up the way it was or give it a new look. You know, that whole readjustment / can’t slot into the old life thought she keeps coming back to. 

A new look was what she decided on, although she wouldn’t be making any headway with her decorating that evening. Riley was just thankful her bed was set up with fresh sheets. It’s just now dawning on her how exhausted she is. Just as Riley gets to her feet after crouching down by one of her boxes she hears rustling on the fire escape. Riley lets out a quiet chuckle and shakes her head thinking Maya had already returned to visit but she’s shocked to see Lucas standing by the open window.  

Riley told her friends about moving home the moment she knew it was definite. Riley knew that it would get back to Lucas of course but she didn’t allow herself to think about that, as she hadn’t let herself think of him much after Spring Break. Riley knew Lucas would have known she was coming back today, even though she made a point to not talk about him with her friends. Still, she’s surprised to see him so soon. 

“May I come in?” He asks sheepishly. 

“Sure,” Riley nods, still taken by surprise. 

“I heard you were back…” Lucas says as he climbs through the window. 

“Yep,” Riley says quietly.   “I heard it’s for good?” Lucas finds Riley’s gaze. 

“I think so, yeah.” Riley shifts nervously on her feet. 

“Can we talk?” Lucas motions to the bay window. 

Riley nods slightly and follows him over. Sure Riley and Maya had sat in the bay window already, it was the first thing they did when she got back but that was light, that was fun. This would be the first real bay window session Riley had in a year and it was certainly coming earlier than she thought. 

“I know I said I’d respect however much time you needed but you texted me a couple weeks ago and I kind of got excited that you were back…” Lucas chuckles nervously. “I’m sorry if you’re not ready.. We don’t have to-” 

“Lucas, it’s fine,” Riley wears a small smile, “I’m glad you’re here.” 

“You are?” More and more hope creeping into the boy by the second. 

“Yes,” Riley bops her head gently, “I was thinking about calling you tomorrow, to talk.” 

“I can come back then… If that’s better for you?” Lucas asks quickly and Riley feels her chest getting warm as she watches his nerves get the better of him. 

“No, stay,” A slight giggle escapes her. 

Even with light laughter filling the room things are still a little weird, but that was to be expected.  "I’ve spent the past two months trying to think of some grand gesture to prove how sorry I am-” 

“Lucas, you don’t need a big gesture,” Riley gently cuts him off, “I know you’re sorry and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.” 

Lucas looks relieved to hear her words, “Good, but I still feel like I need to show you how much you mean to me.” 

There he goes with his two best types of apologies. A million ‘I’m sorries’ followed by gestures to prove just how sorry he is. Although, normally Lucas’ gestures are subtle but this one was anything but small. 

The Texan pulls out a folded piece of paper from his jean pocket and hands it to Riley. 

She unfolds the paper and looks at it confused, “What is it?” 

“Tickets, to Paris.” Lucas states. 

“What?” Riley laughs nervously and shakes her head in disbelief. 

“They’re for the week after we graduate senior year. I’m going to have to work the rest of high school to pay them off but they’re ours.” Riley’s still puzzled so Lucas continues. “That’s two years from now. I want you in my life in two years from now- I want you in my life twenty years from now. Even if it’s just as friends,” Lucas gushes, “Riley, we’re forever and I’m so sorry if I made you doubt that or think that I doubted that.”

“What about Rain?” Riley fidgets as she quickly gets overwhelmed with the situation.  

“That finished long before it even started,” Lucas says, “I know you deserve more details and if you want them I’ll explain everything but right now I just really want you to know that it’s always going to be you for me. Forever is a long time, Riley and if you’ll let me, I’d like to spend it making things up to you.” 

Riley is at a loss for words as she stares into his emerald eyes. 

“Did you mean what you said?” Riley whispers. 

“Of course. I’d do anything to make it up to you,” Lucas edges closer in desperation. 

“No, not that,” Riley shakes her head. 

“Then what?” Lucas asks. 

“At Maya’s you blurted out something-” 

“Yes,” Lucas says firmly as he continues to hold her gaze as he now realises what she’s talking about. “I just thought it would hurt too much to say it before you left - the first time - so I didn’t.”

“Not talking is kind of what got us into this mess,” Riley shares a deflated laugh. 

“That’s going to change,” Lucas nods, trying to convince Riley, “We can talk more. I don’t want anything left unsaid.” 

“Okay.” Riley nods too, pointing her gaze at her lap.

“Okay.” Lucas lets out a little breath of relief. 

“I forgot to say something before I left New York too,” Riley says quietly as she lifts her head. 

“Yeah?” Lucas tilts his head slightly to the left.

“I love you too,” Riley’s smile is ever so slight but full of warmth, still masked with a hint of reluctancy and fear to let him in again.

Lucas is hit with a tidal wave of emotions, shock, relief, overwhelming joy. Lucas holds Riley’s gaze. Her smile is sweet but there’s still a sense of sadness behind her eyes. A tireless but something more than the absence of sleep. 

Lucas opens his arms and wraps them around Riley, pulling her in closer to him.  An ear and cheek pressed to his chest and with her eyes gently closed she lets out a breath of relief. It’s as if she’s waited the entire year for this one hug. Lucas rests his chin on Riley’s head and the longer they stay like that in a peaceful silence the more Riley can feel her worries melting away. 

Even after embracing the last few months of her time in London, Riley had been carrying around that lonely feeling with her and the pain of her estranged relationship with Lucas. But, there was something so therapeutic about their embrace that had Riley thinking about it long after Cory chased Lucas out the window. 

When Riley lies awake in bed that night thinking about it she knew the damage between her and Lucas was not irreparable. It of course - like any of the obstacles she faces with her readjusting - would take time but she knew they were forever. It’s this exact thought that sees Riley reaching for her phone to update her status and it’s then that she knows she speaks not of a place but a person. 

THE END

End Notes: Firstly I just want to say that I hope this ending is satisfying enough for my readers. I know I could have spent time writing about Riley actually adjusting to those obstacles she’ll approach but I felt like that wasn’t the story I was telling. London’s Calling was about Riley and Lucas surviving a year of disconnect. So basically their story begins and ends in the bay window. I don’t need to detail them doing anything past this point because I sounded like a broken record. They’re forever. Their story goes on long after my words stop. 

Anyway……THIS HAS BEEN A RIDE. I just want to say thank you SO much to everyone who has read this story. Thank you to anyone who has liked a chapter, reblogged it with or without tags, sent a reply or taken the time to shoot me a message about it. YOU ARE ALL THE REASONS WHY I WROTE THIS. 

I just really hope you know that I see ALL forms of appreciating you send me. Whether its replies / tags in reblogs etc. I know I don’t reply to all of them bc I don’t sometimes have the means to but I see them all and they all make me SO HAPPY!! 

some active readers and reviewers that I want to give shootouts to include:

❤️@rileyliley❤️ @reytonbleyer ❤️ @grizbehr @maddog-sunshine ❤️ @spamiam77 ❤️ @madelinecoffee ❤️ @shadowhuntersbabe ❤️ @rowmeyer ❤️ @roastturtleduck ❤️ @shebe67 ❤️ @plutoxriley ❤️ @alwaysriley ❤️ @an-autumn-rose ❤️ @irish97​ and a special shoutout to @siennese whom I’m pretty sure has sent me in-depth reviews for every single chapter!!! 

I know SO many more of you deserve recognition but thats all I can give for now but please know I love you all so much and I cant wait for the next story we share together ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️