Angsty Bilbo dying Bagginshield art giving me another story idea~ 😂😭💕
But no, seriously? A play on the popular time travel fix-it, but one where Bilbo dies protecting Thorin during the Battle of Five Armies? And Thorin is inconsolable, I can’t even. And he might pull himself together long enough to stabilize Erebor, but there is No Way he can be a good ruler in his grief, so he has to pass it on. (I was going to say to Dain just to twist that knife a little harder, but actually there are reasons hinted below on why Fíli & Kíli must have lived.) And Thorin just… he wanders, probably. A shell of himself for the rest of his days.
And yet, when he inevitably passes away, he awakens on the road to the Shire. And he’s younger. And he’s so confused, quickly suspecting he must be dead and this is nothing like what he was taught to expect. But then his instant impulse to check Bag End has him walking in on that same meeting from so many years ago, his Company intact, the wizard smiling at him, introducing him to… to…
Bilbo. His Bilbo. The sight of him makes Thorin want to weep and hold him and never let go again, but he is instantly terrified to do anything, because is this a dream? Will he wake? What happens if he says something new, will ‘this’ be ruined somehow? He doesn’t want that, doesn’t want to change anything, save for the end. The very end.
But, even as he strives to mimic himself, he knows something is wrong. He’s off-script from the start purely due to his shock, but he tries to recover, get back on track, and within words, he’s managed it. The discussion is righting itself, and no one there could possibly know the difference, right?
And yet, Bilbo stares at him. From the instant Thorin walked in, Bilbo was staring, looking lost. As he had before, that first time, but it wasn’t the same. Bilbo had been confused then as well, but it had been a light, anxious uncertainty then. This time? He was frowning, his expression tense.
His eyes haunted.
Because Bilbo has also lived that night before. Just once as far as that night was concerned, but it was familiar to him. So familiar. That first night had haunted him for decades, to the very end of his long, long life, when he thought he might know rest, and perhaps — if he was truly as lucky as some once claimed — he might get to see his friends again. See Thorin again.
Instead he had slept, drifted away, and awoken to a battle about to start.
And he had questioned it, had stumbled that first time, but he adjusted. He tried to save Thorin. To save them all.
And he failed. Again.
Then, when he finally slept for the first time afterwards, he awoke to the battle starting again.
And again.
And he tried, over and over, day after the same horrid day to find a way to get through. And sometimes Thorin lived. Sometimes the princes did. Sometimes, new people died. The wrong people.
Once, in his darkest moments, he thought that perhaps someone was trying to teach him humility, teach him to accept fate as it was and not try to fight it, not change anything. And so he went through the motions as well as he could remember them after all those years, following them to the letter, save for when he sobbed all the harder when it was done.
He sobbed again, the relief bone-deep, when he awoke again the next day, the battle still awaiting him.
He lost count of his attempts, and no one could rightly vouch for his state of mind when he finally resorted to the one thing he had refused to try: Not since that fourth (or fifth?) time, when he managed to be there for the fight and threw himself in Azog’s way, but Thorin pulled him out of the way, and screamed at him with such outrage and fear and despair in the few beats he bought by pushing Azog over, that Bilbo never attempted it again.
Until that final day. And that time, Bilbo didn’t give Thorin a chance to stop him.
And it broke a heart Bilbo thought long since shattered to hear Thorin scream, to feel him pick him up and hold him close and hear his voice like that. But the words faded soon enough, and he couldn’t feel anything, nothing except for regret and acceptance, because this was different. He felt it. This time, he would not awaken again, and that was fine. He had saved his king, kept all of his dwarves safe that last time. If that was to be the last, then that was all he could ask for. It was alright. He could sleep.
Then he woke up.
Not outside Erebor, but inside a hole. His hole. Bag End.
He walked outside, stood in the sun, and watched a wizard walk up the road to his door.
He did not understand.
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Something that drives me absolutely crazy about Jon and Rickon is that while the rest of the Stark kids love Jon, they’re all too cognizant of his “otherness”. Robb, Bran, and Arya love him as one would love any brother, but he’s always separated from the rest of the family: Ned Stark had five children, and then a sixth who was separate. And even when the Stark kids think of the direwolves, Ghost is always set apart from the rest of them. We’re always reminded that six pups were found in the snow, five huddled together and one who was white as snow separate from the rest of them.
But Jon is not separate in Rickon’s mind. During the royal feast, at an occasion where the social schism between the Stark children is all too apparent, Rickon is too caught up on “where’s Jon? Why is he not here among us? Why is he separate? He should be here!” And we see this when he waddled to where Jon was sitting with the squires, only leaving when big brother set him back on the path to the dais, thus enforcing a social boundary that he himself was not aware of. And the crazy thing is, Rickon is a bit of an other in a way. Shaggy, Rickon’s familiar, is not brown or grey like the other wolves. He’s black with green eyes, a visual representation of northern mysticism just as Jon’s Ghost is.
And it’s going to come to a head when Jon’s true parentage is revealed to the world. And Ghost’s difference becomes even more pronounced. But what a stark (pun intended) reminder it will be to know that Jon is not alone, and he is wholly accepted just as he is. Rickon is so young and full of ignorance. But that childish ignorance could go a long way, especially in reminding a very insecure Jon that he does indeed belong, all differences be damned.
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❤️ DTIYS with Sirius!
To celebrate a milestone on Bluesky, I’m doing a dtiys! You can participate here too, though I’m not as well versed on tumblr; hashtag and tagging me should work right? I don’t want miss your effort!!
💛 Use the hashtag #ViperDTIYS
💛 Tag me so I can share!!
💛 Ends Oct 24, my bday! 🎉
💛 You can crop, simplify, or change the palette as you wish! Refs below:
Flats if you want to color pick, Sirius’s ref sheet, and an old Velos piece I reflected in the sword if you’d like to reuse!
Have fun, and thank you guys for following me!!
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When I was in college, I had a weirdly Christian friend who I only hung out with at three in the morning in the dorm's common room. We'd talk about all kinds of bullshit. Music, religion, hobbies. I don't remember a lot about her, possibly because of chronic sleep deprivation, but I do remember one thing very clearly. I was nervous about a big test I had the next day, and she asked me if I minded if she prayed for me.
I thought about for a couple seconds and then said that no, I didn’t. Which turned out to not be what she wanted to hear.
She gave me the steady, intense look of someone who is about to say something deeply not normal and is perfectly at peace with the fact and said, "I kind of wish you did. It would mean you thought it meant something. The wolf hit with a stone howls the loudest."
And damn if I don't still think about that time to time.
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