#so at least theres one positive to this trip

[awesomeifidosaysomyself]

so for those who don't know, for the past seven months, i listened to my "liked songs" playlist on spotify in alphabetical order (a little neurotic, i know). through my listening, it slimmed from 5,643 songs to 5,460.

if i were smart, i would've done some sort of statistic analysis with it. alas, i am not a smart man so all I have to report is

it may have taken me seven months, but on this day, june 30, in the year of our lord 2023, at the wee hour of 1:36 in the morning, i finally finished listening to every song i've liked on spotify in the five years i've had this account

[leychin]

HAPPY ENDING

t.shigaraki x reader

cw: mentions of past traumas but vague, shigarakis whole backstory, child abuse

No one in the League has had a "normal" childhood. Everyone has a tragic villain origin story, everyone has the moment the snapped. Its an unspoken rule to just never inquire about anyones past.

Shigaraki doesn't follow any rules though, so when he asks you one night while you both take a rare trip to a grocery store to pick up essentials, he asks what made you switch teams. He asks what happened to you, someone he can't imagine hurting him, or anyone from that matter what made you snap.

Shigaraki doesn't let people in, he can't afford it, especially not in his current position. But he feels like he knows you, which is silly because it's only been a year, but in that time he's seen your never ending kindness. You used to feed the stray cats outside the bar before it was destroyed, you used to sew up Toga's clothes and offered to let her lick the blood off your fingers when you pricked yourself. You bring Dabi relaxing teas every Tuesday without fail.

And for weeks you treated Shigaraki like he was your world, you were the only one listening to those long anti hero tangents when he was drunk at the bar, you're the one shuffled up next to him pressed shoulder to shoulder to watch him clear a handheld game, enjoying his warmth when hes done nothing except allow you to stay next to him.

So Shigaraki doesn't expect you to answer, and something inside of him deflates but he isnt sure what. He knows he doesn't have the right to your trust, and your story, so when you don't answer he opts to drop it.

He doesn't expect you to look at him with such a jaded look and tears welling in your eyes at the thiught of whatever happened to you, and hes quickly pulling you deeper into the shadows so that no one could see one of his subordinates friends in such a weak state.

"Its stupid." you dryly laugh in attempts to lighten the mood "I don't have whatever you and Dabi have going on." you try to explain to him, but its not coming out right. He doesn't know what to do, you're sat down in front of him thr way a subject kneels before a God. Shigaraki is no God, at least not yours. He doesn't want to be.

So he crouches down in front of you, and he just stares. He's trying to say take your time, but it never comes out, so he keeps staring at you with crimson eyes. He wants to reach out, to hold you, but it doesn't come out either.

You do tell him though, that its so so stupid but it's just because you weren't wanted. Not in the way Dabi alludes to and the way Toga speaks about her past, but in the way that you were a backup plan and never first. Your entire life was for the convenience of others, your mother spoiled your brother and barely remembered your birthdays, your father insisting it was a 'Father and son' thing.

You told him it wouldn't have been as bad if it wasn't your friends too, never invited unless someone else had to back out, never remembered for a birthday, conveniently left out for secret santa, and having to do prom dress fittings alone because they already did theres together.

Its funny, you laugh to him and Shigaraki continues to stare at you. So you tell him about your prom night, because that was the night you left. You had gotten a date with a boy you harbored a small crush on for a while, and he asked you to go with him so of course you and your naive heart said yes.

You waited for him for a while, thinking he was late, and when he was fourty minutes late you decided to give up, thinking he forgot. Only to go home already in tears to open snapchat and see his story with him dancing with another girl, your only message was from him saying his ex got back with him so he didn't 'have' to go with you anymore.

You cry, not because of the heartbreak but because of the frustration. You have never gotten to be wanted by other people, you've never gotten that feeling of being accepted for just being you the way everyone else does. Thats why you left, because no one wanted you around enough to stay, and at least in the League you can pretend you had a purpose.

You're laughing now, because the butterfly effect is so hilarious you can't do anything but either laugh or cry. If you had just gotten that dance that night you wouldn't be labeled a domestic terrorist. You tell that to Shigaraki thinking it'll lighten the mood, but he stares at you still with that blank face.

"I wasn't wanted either." Is all he says before he stands up and offers you a hand to help you up, and when you carefully take it he yanks you up and pulls you close to his chest.

"I don't know how to dance." he says carefully

"What?"

"You said you wanted someone to dance with you."

That wasn't the moral of the story, you note in your head. But you decide to show him the steps anyway to a basic slowdance, and he eventually gets more comfortable with it and starts to lead you on his own, the only sound now is awkward feet shuffling in the quiet alleyway.

"Im sorry there's no music." You eventually say awkwardly

"Its ok." is all he says

You enjoy this, you realize. You're glad Shigaraki is the one dancing with you and not that boy from those years ago. You rest your head on Shigaraki's chest, you feel him stiffen, but he relaxes into it. This is good.

"My father didn't like me either." Shigaraki quietly says "He hated that me and my sister were born." he pauses, wondering if he should even be telling his story when you just told yours, but opts to anyway. "He hurt us, and I always wondered why he had us if he just hated us."

You look up at him, and he stares back down at you. You wait for him to continue and he does "So when my quirk manifested, I killed him." He chuckles dryly, even if he doesnt remember everything else entirely, he remembers that moment when everything felt so clear, and the itching finally stopped.

He slowly lets go of you now, deciding the dance is done, and you do too. Not sure what to do to break the silence.

"Will you go back now?"

"What?"

"You said that if you had just gotten that dance, you wouldn't be a domestic terrorist. I just danced with you, so will you go?" He asks, and he doesnt realize his heart has made his way to his throat as he asks, he realizes he doesn't want you to go, he wants to do that again and again and again and again.

You realize what hes asking and you cant help but let your mouth curl into a smile, so you carefully intertwine your fingers with his, careful to not brush his pinky with yours.

He jumps at the contact, and stares at your hands together for an uncomfortably long time before looking back at you "What are you doing?" and you shrug before leading the both of you out of the alleyway and into the moonlight.

"Im gonna stay with the people who want me."

Shigaraki's heart lurches in his chest, and he feels so warm inside he thinks hes going to explode. But instead he opts to give a squeeze back "Good. I wouldn't have let you go back anyway."

[thepepsislvt]

I’m finally home from a trip.. what if hear me out.. nsfw alphabet for my favorite bgs either Kid, Killer, or of course Barto

-Tulipp 🌷🌷🌷

(acc still doesn’t work)

I DID IT AND I STARTED IT BEFORE U EVEN ASKED BECAUSE YOU MADE ME THINK ABOUT KID AND KILLER RELIGIOUSLY

also evryone istg im alive ive just been violently sick WAAAAHHH

anw here you go braincell sharer Kid and Killer nsfw alphabet

@tulipp-again

A: Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Kid tries his damn hardest to at least clean you up but usually hes conked out within 3 minutes

Killer on the other hand is a trooper. He will run you a bath, get you water, a snack, anything you could ever think of he does. Hes so sweet about everything

B: Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

I think we all agree that Kid is an ass man. he loves to grope it, bite it and smack it

Kid likes his arms and hands with how strong they arms. He loves how he can easily bend you over anything and fuck you from behind

Killer likes your collar bones with how easy he can bite them and leave a mark

On him Killer also likes his arms with how easy he can carry you around if needed

C: Cum (Anything to do with cum)

Kid cums A LOT okay? its thick and fills you up so much. He loves to cum on your face the most

Killer’s is also thick but he doesnt shoot as much as Kid. He especially loves to cum all over your stomach

D: Dirty Secret

Kid really doesnt have any secrets, if he wants something hes going to announce it

Killer really wants you to top him. He sees how snappy and mean you get with Kid when you are bickering and he wants you to do that to him. he just doesnt know how to ask

E: Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Kid slept around a lot when he was younger while trying to deny he was gay for Killer but he eventually got over his ego and just went for it. When you joined the relationship you often called Kid a slut for being so skilled

Killer didn’t have any experience outside of you and Kid but he sure knows how to make you feel good

F: Favorite Position

ANYTHING WITH YOUR ASS POINTED TOWARDS KID! Kid really likes your ass and never hesitates to let you know how much he loves it

Killer loves to hold you close so he usually has you in his lap with your back against his chest

G: Goofy (Are they more serious at the moment, or are they humorous, etc.)

They both agree that Sex is serious and shouldn’t be taken as a joke

H: Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Kid either doesnt know what grooming is or he really doesnt care. hes untrimmed and yes the carpet does indeed match the drapes

Killer really doesnt care either but he does trim a little bit. he will do more if you really want him to

I: Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Kid tries but just know degrading is his love language. He does kiss you a lot but its usually rough and sloppy

Killer is way more romantic than Kid in everyway. He constantly tells you how good youre doing and checking up on you. he whispers a lot of praise and ‘i love you’s at least 90% of the time

J: Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Kid is a big man with a big sex drive. so much so he has to rub one out a lot if youre “to busy” or “not feeling it” (even though he has literally drug you away from your work several times before

Killer isnt much into having to Jack off unless hes really desperate but most of the time he just holds out

K: Kinks (One or more of their kinks)

Kid loves spanking you. hes an ass man, you got a nice ass its just common sense according to him.

Killer loves hair pulling. Theres just something about the extra pain that is slowly soothed when you rub his scalp that just adds the cherry on top for him.

L: Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Kid will do it anywhere he doesnt care he doesnt have any shame but you do so you convince him to do it in at least a semi public location which isnt much better but youll take it.

Killer likes it anywhere in private since he is more of a private person himself

M: Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Kid is turned on by literally anything you do. all that anger quickly gets turned to horny when you or Killer walk into the picture

Killer gets turned on most when you kiss his neck it ear

N: No (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

they both wouldnt do anything that would seriously hurt you other than that theyre pretty open to trying whatever

O: Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Kid Prefers to receive hes a little whore who only thinks abt himself

Killer doesnt mind giving or receiving as long as youre happy

P: Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual?)

Kid is Fast and ROUGH and its not hard to believe at all

Killer also likes to be fast and rough but still takes it easy on you

Q: Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Kid will take it if thats all he can get but prefers to take his time fucking you brain dead

Killer isnt fond of them but if you need it then he’ll do it for you

R: Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Kid is all about risks because he runs on that type of adrenaline

Killer also isnt too opposed but likes to play it safer

S: Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Kid can last up to 5 maximum before telling you to fuck off and then falling asleep

Killer can go as many as you want, he’ll stir up as much energy as needed to make you happy

T: Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

i wouldnt think so but if yall do have any toys its made from Kid himself

U: Unfair (How much they like to tease)

Kid is a GOD at teasing, he loves to be in control and to tease you until are crying for him

Killer also loves to tease even more so than Kid, you would never expect

V: Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Kid is loud, he doesnt shut up, he groans and growls, mf laughs when he degrades you shut shut up man

Killer not loud he just lets out a few grunts and small moans

W: Wild Card (Random headcanon)

Killer is the only one who has ever topped Kid

X: X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

Kid is rlly thick and girthy. like oh my god you gonna need a few minutes to stretch out around him

Killer isnt as thick but he is long omg

Y: Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Kid is up ready to go at any given moment all that pent up anger gotta go somewhere

Killer isnt as hyper sexual as Kid but he still enjoys it at least 3-4 times a week

Z: ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Immediately after for Kid, like bro will nut and then you hear his loud ass snoring

Killer doesnt fall asleep as fast as Kid mainly cause he needs to calm down first and catch his breath. he also loves to clean everyone up so yall not sleeping all dirty

[loving-n0t-heyting]

Went to ER recently over sudden intense bout of abdominal pain (symptoms were concerning but tests were all negative, prolly just bad digestion or a stomach bug or smth) and as with other recentish er visit i found the doctor so much more pleasant to work with that my pcp's usually are. I think part of that is that when dealing with a pcp, ive usually looked into whatever problems ive been having and how to address them (or at least know i could and should have done so), and so the interaction mostly consists in trying to convince them to prescribe the treatment i want. Theres no real value theyre adding expertise-wise as long as ive done my work. Whereas at the er, usually the problem is too urgent or too acutely painful to allow me to do enough research in time, or diagnostics are gated behind the use of diagnostic tools i would not be in a position to acquire or operate or interpret otherwise. So the expertise (and equipment) are doing real fucking work, its not just me running a CHA based skill check against some one with a medical degree

Also this trip i got a hefty dose of morphine injected straight into my vein. Which was a nice enough high on its own but even better with the knowledge its at taxpayer expense. Freeloading opioid-shooting neet lyfe 5eva w00t

[astranite]

Notes- Christmas TAG secret santa fic.

Because of this post and @janetm74 and @edutainer2022 here are my additional notes for my 2023 thunderfam secret santa fic.

It contains brainstorming that became part of the og fic and notes as a continuation for the car ride. It was actually these that I came up with first and intended to write but got side tracked with explorations of getting ready, especially given the prompt i was given was “Every day is a school day” with Jeff and Lucy. Also deadlines!

Mind that this is pretty much as is from my notes in its entirety, complete with spelling errors, partial sentences and utter lack of cohesion as I jumped between ideas.

Link for the fic proper on ao3.

---

“Every day is a school day” Jeff and Lucy. And everyone.

Car drive to spent christmas with Grandma and Grant at Gran Rocha. The preparing and road tripping shenanigans.

getting all five kids plus themselves and luggage into the car on time as chaotic as a school day. Jeffs line?

S15, J13, V12, G 6?7, A3

Wake-up call. Alarm going off Lucy tired and grumpy where Virgil gets it from. I’ll get the kids up and you can head straight to the coffee. Jeff fooling around like mock drill sergeant. Scott’s grumpy teenness and chucking a pillow at him with surprisingly good aim for supposedly asleep. Scott getting up. Bed hair mess that Jeff runs a gentle hand through pulling him into a hug. Virgil and John. John and Bagel the cat curled up together. Both hissing at him in unison. Virgil needed to be hugged and woken up more slowly. 

Down in the kitchen. Jeff kissing Lucy and trying to steal her coffee. No you cannot steal my coffee Jefferson Tracy, you have your own.  Lucy’s massive science pun mug. Hair in her face looking like little Virgil. 

HURRICANE LUCY. Time skip to about to go?

packing- John wanting to fit telescope. Or “But I did leave my telescope behind” but bag full of books. 

Last min shoving presents in. Neighbour to feed the cat.

Scott nabbed the car keys first on massive ** many different  keychain so neither Lucy nor Jeff could lose them. Swinging them around his finger, “can I drive” Parental chorus of “No!” Doesn't have license yet but is learning to pilot. argument of Grandma lets me drive on the ranch. Thats the beat up old ute and theres nothing much out there to hit any way.

And they were done. Bags were in the car, kids were in the car, last final bathroom stops had been had.  Lucy patted down her pockets. Keys! She didn’t have them, so Jeff must except that he didn’t. Surely the couldn’t have lost them with the neon pink rocket ship key chain attached to prevent this. Until they both spied Scott leaning against the drivers side door and swinging them around his finger.  

“So, can I drive?” Scott asked as if he didn’t already know the answer to that question. 

“No,” came the parental chorus. 

Then the other kids repeating them, picking up on it slightly behind. 

Scott grinning and tossed the keys in the air one last time then caught them. He passed them to Lucy’s waiting hand prompted by a stern eyebrow. 

7 seater beat up car. Drive- Kansas to Texas. approx 9 hours to 8 1/2. Lucy english thinking its ages. at least america had good highways. and from her mothers tales at least kangaroo spotter was a redundant position. 

Panic at dress clothes for Christmas day

someone packed no underpants. Gordon only packed underwear and swimmers. Trying to sort laundry at last minute. Jeff’s haphazard packing of his own clothes with getting everyone else in military order. Lucy remarking jokingly, “Mightve gotten to mars adn forgot your space suit. 

Jeff the nerd, calling Grandma to tell on our way, “Houston we have take off”. Kids dramatic countdown. A “finally”. FOnd eye rolls. 

John and Virgil at back seats. Johns already long limbs folded up.

Scott getting the dubious privelige of the middle row. but centre seat between Alan and Gords car seats and on big brother duty. 

Lucy hoping but not expecting to get some rest on the trip. Up all night getting ready. has mystery novel to read. but trying to wrangle kids. Putting Jeff’s cowboy hat over her face to keep the sun off as she sleeps.

Stops for toilet breaks. Lunch fast food. “Do not let gordon have soda.” Johns burger order. Virgil picking pickles out to give to john. The chips stealing. Trying to eat and drive. sending older ones in to fish younger out of the play area. losing Scott to it too, send in John planning it like a mission.

Jeff adn Lucy discussion over what coffee is supposed to do. ADHD Jeff. starting with Scott asking for coffee, cheekily. No, we dont need you any more hyper. Jeff’s confident, “Coffee doesnt do that” Even same with Aa. spirited debate. JSSo that means I can have some? eff still saying no coffee for Scott.

Lucy driving at some point. 

If Lucy had to hear one more rendition of baby shark she was the one who was going to get out and walk.

music and Lucy and Virgil comparing synesthesia.

John reading massive heavy text book, splayed out across knees. not getting car sick, serve well for astronaut. for fun, reminded he didnt need to study. 

Scott bored and restless. tinies asleep. no phone signal. twisting around, being told off for seat belt, trying to see what Johns doing. seat swap and he and John are in the back doing maths and physics, heads bent together. virgil eyes closed but awake or leaning around car seats to look out the windows, bobbing head to music through headphones. 

when John adn Scott get stuck, calling questions out to Lucy. Jeff snoring in front seat, head on lucy;s jumper, went from wide awake to clonked out even after the coffees.

Virgil using breath on fogged up windows to draw. Scott and John used it for math.

Gordon are we there yet. Alan copying him. 

naming animals and animal sounds. then naming sea creatures. then sounds of sea creatures. some known, some gordon happily making them up.

car sickness. Scott getting car sick, in spite of crazy spins and flips but then hes in control. another reshuffle, Jeff wedged into the middle seat, Lucy laughing and looking in rear view mirror at tall, broad shouldered husband folded awkwardly into the back. John and Virgil back-back. Scott getting shotgun, window open and nauseous. Vomit bags in glove box because learnt from past fiascos and puke in hat story. Scott grumps would be fine if I was driving 

some point tinies and Jeff all asleep.  John and Virgil happy together. Lucy getting to check in and chat to scott. 

on destination. everyone there, big family.  Lee? Kayo adn Kyrano and Kayo mother. Jeff brothers? packed into the big ranch house. noise and merriment. hot dry texas air. smell of good food cooking. some slight odour of burnt. 

explain lucy parents farm????

“The eagle has landed” finding rooms, unpack car. eldest three in together. youngest. 

John overwhelmed after trip, not wanting to talk to anyone. near tears at thought of going into party. going to stable to spent time with horses. 

Virgil running up to Grant and talking his ear off, to much delight of both parties. Grant, still broad shouldered and strong from farm work, charcoal black hair now salt and pepper grey. 

Achievements getting caught up with. Jeff telling grandma about scotts, Scott proud but a bit uncharacteristically shy, leaning into a side hug. 

the comments of how big the kids were all getting, and theyd better not be having more. Lucy laughing and very nope five is plenty enough. 

somewhat tired cranky, sticky dusty kids. Gordon spilling something sticky on him in the last hour, waiting to get there to wash him off. Recovering excitement at bath. 

grandma’s welcome cookies. 

——- other fic. Graduation. car crash. Injuries—the bruises. Scott burst into tears with brothers because he wants mum

[eclecticqueennerd]

Confessions

Y/N Ending

Staring at Homelander’s corpse, breathing ragged, you felt a hand touch your shoulder. You turn around and see Butcher standing next to you. How is this possible? Homelander beat him within an inch of his life, at the very least he should be comatose. You see the rolled-up sleeve and track marks.

“Come on, let’s leave before others find out what happened.” Butcher goes to grab your hand and you snatch them away.

“I’m not going anywhere with you.”

“Y/n I aint fuckin around. You just dusted Vought’s pride and joy and they’re gonna be lookin for ya. We need to leave while we can.”

“I’m not going anywhere with a liar!”

“Wha?”

“Your arm.” Butcher looks down, “You just shot up Temp-V after you promised you wouldn’t. How can I trust you if you can’t even keep your promises?”

“What else was I supposed to do y/n I was dying! We can talk about this later.”

“We’re not talking about anything later. Bye Butcher.” You begin to walk away from Butcher but then he grabs your arm.

“You don’t get to walk away from me.”

“Is there a problem here?” Ben now at your side. You step away from both men, Butchers eyes narrow.

“Mind your fucking business you supe cunt.”

“Anything with y/n is my business. How many times do I have to remind you, she’s, my girl.”

“She aint your girl she’s mine.”

“I’m no one’s girl!” The two men break the stare off and look at you. “This whole time I’ve been helping you fight Vought and fight Payback; I never got a chance to be what it’s like to be by myself. I never got to grieve for my poor husband.” You start crying. Butcher reaches out for you. “No! Don’t touch me. I’m done with this superhero shit.” You leave before the two of them get a chance to change your mind.

*

You find out that Grace was in the hospital, and you rushed to be by her side. Homelander never killed her but the attack left her paralyzed. In hopes to repay her for all her kindness, you become her caretaker. You helped her with daily activities, bathing, dressing, cooking, and cleaning.

“You know y/n you don’t have to do this.” Grace would always tell you in the beginning.

“I know I don’t have to do it; I want to. I want to repay all the kindness you showed me.” Grace helped you find a therapist to work out the shit you went through and how to develop copeing skills for when your PTSD arose its ugly head. Winding down one evening, the two of you were sitting in the living room watching the news when you got a strong urge to vomit. You ran to the bathroom did so. Confused, you walked back to the living room and Grace gave you a look.

“You, okay?”

“Yeah, something must not have agreed with my stomach, I just puked.” Graces attention fell back towards the tv.

“Hmm.”

The following morning, you felt like garbage. You made multiple trips to the bathroom, either to vomit or dry heave. You also noticed that your breasts were more tender than they have been, which isn’t normal. Weird…

“Y/n, have you thought about taking a pregnancy test?” Grace asked once you sat down at the breakfast table with a glass of tepid water.

“I don’t see the point in that, I can’t get pregnant after getting my tubes tied.”

“Theres always a small chance of getting pregnant y/n, the doctor explained that when you were still drugged, which I think he should’ve waited. Did you use protection when you shacked up with Butcher?” Oh shit. You made a doctor’s appointment.

*

“I’m afraid Grace is right y/n, test results came back positive, we tested both your blood and urine. We can perform an ultrasound to determine how far along you are, but basing off your symptoms and the timeline you gave us, we estimate you at approximately 6-8 weeks. We also feel like with your accelerated healing powers, it caused the tubes to grow back together. If it weren’t for you having the abilities you have, the surgery may have been more successful.”

Your heart sank into your stomach. You can’t be pregnant, it wasn’t possible. Reading your expression, the doctor adds,

“We can arrange for… a procedure to take place in a few days’ time if you didn’t want to keep it.” Several minutes of silence befell the room as you mulled over your thoughts.

“I’ll keep it.”

*

Grace’s family heard what happened to her and they arrived at her home to care for her. Even though Grace wanted you to stay, you felt unwelcome by her family. You decided to find an apartment in the city. Packing up the final boxes into the van, you give Grace a hug and bid farewell.

“Make sure you call me when you get there. Send me your schedule for your appointments and I’ll be there for you.”

“Thanks Grace.”

*Third trimester*

Arriving back to your apartment after a long day of being on your feet, you notice a small daisy on your doormat. This event occurred the same day every week since you moved back to the city. You always look around the hallway to see any figures and like usual, no one. You pick up the flower and make your way into the apartment and set it on the counter. Then, strong contractions began in your abdomen and lower back, water trickled down your legs. You pull out your phone,

“Grace, It’s time.”

*4 years later*

You moved to a small town just outside the city. The apartment complex wasn’t awful, it was close enough for you to make the trip into the city but far enough from all the stressors of city life. What prompted the move was the weekly flower delivery made you feel uneasy and watched. You and your daughter, who you named Lyla, always went out for ice cream on Wednesdays at the mom-and-pop ice cream parlor. Walking up to the second floor of the apartment building ice creams in hand, you reach your door and unlock it. The two of you enter the apartment and while you kicked off your shoes, you noticed a familiar pair of boots. Before you could react,

“Mommy? Who’s that?” you look up to where your daughter was pointing. There standing in front of you, was the man you left all those years ago in Vought’s lab. He still looked the same, beard maintained, brown hair a little longer now, his tall frame still holds the same confidence, face appeared more weathered than before.

“Hey.” He spoke. Lyla must’ve noticed the look on your face. She began tugging at your sleeve, showing her nerves. You break eye contact with him and look at your daughter, who serves as the daily reminder of the steamy nights you shared with the man in front of you.

“It’s okay honey. That’s your daddy.”

The end

[42-42-564]

whats so interesting to me is that i personally have no trouble imagining the kind of person maka's mom might be. we have so little information but from what we do have im able to put something together. she seems like someone who chose to completely cut ties with spirit and just want nothing to do with him, didnt want to drag out any court stuff just wanted to break off the relationship and be done with it. and then went on a soul-searching "im my own person and im gonna go explore the world and expand my horizons" world trip. that is a thing people do ESPECIALLY after something like a divorce. just those two things about her make such a realistic person in my head, or at least a realistic snapshot of one part of someones life.

maka admires her mother because she thinks she's strong. and i dont have trouble believing that! i definitely believe that maka's mother was written as a character to be that type of independent person. which is why her absence in maka's life is so weird and therefore interesting. theres suddenly more depth there because we have contradiction. makas mother is portrayed/spoken about as an independent, possibly stubborn woman. we also know that she was the one to put a stop to stein experimenting on spirit, which could show her being brave or moralistic or caring, or caring specifically for spirit, or being especially perceptive for figuring out it was happening. its pretty vague and could go a lot of directions, but most of them give us yet another positive trait.

so why would she let her contact with maka be so abruptly limited? im not entirely on board with condemning her just for the world traveling. really the only thing making this weird is that we're told she's the one with custody. if spirit had custody or it was left ambiguous there would be nowhere near this much issue. but she does have custody in canon, and she does leave to travel in canon. which puts "cutting ties with spirit as quickly and completely as possible" into a different light, where she just cut ties with... everything. her whole life in death city. for something that drastic i think it means she must care a lot about maka to still be sending her what little mail she does. it makes it seem like she was deeply hurt and damaged by spirit's actions.

maka's mother seems like a headstrong, perceptive woman who was possibly blind to or denying her husband's cheating, until it reached a breaking point and her daughter was also aware of their family falling apart. maka's mother seems like someone who was so shaken to her core by this that she felt like she had to abandon her entire life with spirit, only keeping the barest contact with her daughter. honestly, she seems like a cool character with a lot of potential for development/plot. its really a shame that she just doesnt exist.

[clanborn]

Does one have to have a courier mentor to become one, or is it something they volunteer/are asked to do later on? Could a cat who was apprentice-age become a courier, or only one who's choosing to train to be?

Over time, a stereotypical image of the courier has developed: an athletic, gregarious, usually young cat who’s often well-liked by denizens of all the clans.

Technically any cat could become a courier, at any age (besides like, a kit obv), and there’s not really any formal training that’s required in order to be one. However, it’s an extremely difficult and physically taxing job that may require a cat to travel multiple miles of rough terrain over the course of a day. It takes a degree of endurance that few cats possess naturally, deterring many denizens from choosing to adopt the position. But despite the difficulty barrier, it’s possible for a dedicated cat to build their stamina, and tips from experienced couriers about efficient routes can help as well. Apprentices who wish to become couriers are usually given jobs that are close to home, visiting the closest camps, allowing them to ease into attempting the longer journeys. Theres also usually at least 4 couriers, in order to keep cats on rotation and rest after challenging trips.

Along with the prominent physical duties, mental endurance and some social skill is important as well. These cats often spend many hours alone during travel, only to be met with a whole clan of cats who wish to communicate and pass messages on to friends and family, all of which the courier is required to remember and deliver. This leads to a sort of whiplash, and overall can be very draining for most cats. But, though the hardships of the courier are many, being so connected with the four clans allows them to develop relationships with all of them. All four clans are delighted to see a courier, and will welcome the cat with open paws, fresh-kill, and a warm place to stay during overnight trips. A courier is a vital messenger and a friend to all, and most cats will treat them as such.

[wooahaes]

skz - stardew au

daisy's notes: bc i wanna have a counterpart to the svt au

for bang chan, i'm kinda torn? i can see him living with his family and being a loving big brother to his siblings. i kinda wanna give him specifically something more akin to sam where he has his music heart events. maybe he's working with changbin and jisung and later you get to see the song he wrote with your input? i think one of his heart events would have something to do with his love for dogs and another being hannah teasing chris about how often he talks about you (interpreted however you like since its a heart event you can access before dating him). maybe.. perhaps... a heart event on the beach where he talks about how much he loves it? which comes back when he confesses to you on the beach? yes. i think he'd probably just work at joja mart or something or do freelance work at home. man who will water crops and feed the animals and fix fences after marrying you tho. he just wants to help <3 also dad of the year if u have kids they will be So supported!!!

lee know... honestly, he and jisung are really good with kids, so i could see minho being the one who runs a school for the kids in town (fulfilling penny's role). probs a little quiet in the beginning as he's trying to get a better read on you as a person, but warms up quickly. at least one of his heart events is him feeding stray cats and being caught by you. he doesn't get flustered or anything but he does talk about how he likes caring for things... and for people, too. maybe a mention that he worries about coming off as mean when he just has a particular sense of humor--and he usually only makes those jokes around certain people who he knows can handle it. omg wait chris says minho's dad makes furniture or something... minho lives on the mountain with his dad, the town carpenter??? imagine romancing minho and his family just Knowing because of how often you make the trip up there for non-farm related stuff lmao. he probably confesses to you during a picnic or a walk in the woods. i love the idea of him also feeding animals after marrying you or cooking for u sometimes... what a softie!! dad of the year #2 btw

changbin kinda fits into taking alex's position in a sense? lives with his family (loves them SO much and you WILL know it), works out a lot, etc. i can honestly kinda see him talking about wanting to do something with it professionally, but in terms of opening up a gym rather than playing sports. man who is nice to begin with but will be down so fucking bad for you by the time you finish romancing him. hes just a loving dude!! i like to imagine he talks vaguely about traveling a little bit but says that he never saw himself going through w it because he doesnt like the idea of leaving his family. maybe... he has a softer side too in terms of art or writing? like the guy talks abt maybe being a writer or a tattoo artist, i could maybe see that coming up in his heart events. consider... poetry boy bc he writes lyrics and idk i think theres at least a little crossover there. he confesses with lyrics he wrote for u. also probably thrives in married life on the farm??? plenty of space to work out and go on walks... thank u.

hyunjin.... leah. he's just having a good time living in the forest and painting/drawing. i feel like he'd be a little standoffish in the very beginning, but warms up to you a lot over time. probably would ask if he can hang out on your farm and draw sometimes. his lil section behind ur house??? absolutely an easel facing toward the farm so its implied he's painting u/ur farm. honestly i kinda like to think he works at the saloon and probably voices his annoyance to you that tourists sometimes hit on him and he's not really a fan. imagine literally having a heart event where he claims ur his partner to get someone to knock it off, and later sends u something nice in the mail as thanks. probably one of the more romantic guys. i think he'd enjoy married life on the farm a bit considering it gives him plenty of space to enjoy nature and draw if he wants to, plus he has you to support him in his artistic endeavors. absolutely insists on doing some things around the farm like feeding animals because it's the least he can do to make ur life easier.

for han... honestly i could see him functioning as elliott-adjacent? the kind of guy who writes, but he's busy writing lyrics. his first heart event 100% includes chris + changbin passing by reader and jisung talking in town and they invite him to come make music w them if he wants. alternatively, i could see jisung as being the shy son of the couple who runs the ranch. i think he'd warm up to reader more and more over time, and it'd absolutely have his family sending him up to reader's farm sometimes on "errands" like delivering feed there and whatnot. wait jisung w the blue chickens. genius. either way, i feel like he also would probably open up to reader about being an introvert and how he's good with people, but that he has his limits and he appreciates having ppl in his life who don't push him to be extroverted. he does feed animals for you (and put water out for ur pet) and probably mends fences for u as well. man who is aware that sprinklers exist.

felix... ok vibe w me for a minute. felix who's family runs the general store. gamer boy who probably games with you for one of his heart events. some of his events also take place on the beach tbh where he talks about swimming in summer and going to the beach w his sisters?? maybe his heart events kinda talk about how he doesn't really know what he wants to do sometimes. he has things he likes doing, ykno? also at least one of his heart events is a lil sad and u get to comfort him and he sends you a letter saying he appreciates the kindness in ur heart. gives! you! treats! after u marry him! always says a little 'sorry i woke up early and started baking... but you like these, right?' before giving u a lil treat. also will feed the animals on your farm and mention how he likes helping you however he can <3

seungmin is mr 'its not like i like you' in the beginning where he's not mean by any means, but he is like hm. farmer :/. kinda like haley? he's nice enough to people he knows super well, but he takes a moment to warm up to new ppl in the valley. tourists? he's polite enough. a random person who moved there out of nowhere? ew. why would you come here? but he warms up to you quickly. he lives w jeongin! sometimes he'll go visit him after he marries you and they just have a friends day. anyway i think his heart events talk about him wanting to be a photographer. maybe you help him get a website together that he continues to maintain into marriage + he'll go off and take pics in the forest on some days. lovingly cooks and waters ur crops for u <3

i.n... lives with seungmin, as mentioned before, and i think he'd work at joja. openly tells you he dislikes it but he's gotta make a living somehow. he mentions that sometimes he'll help minho with teaching the kids if he needs it, but sometimes he'll also tutor any of the kids needing the extra help (minho always recommends him bc he knows jeongin wants the extra money). honestly i feel like he'd probably enjoy married life on the farm where he can explore what he wants to do in life without having to worry too heavily about other things. probably has very sweet heart events where u can really see how mature he is sometimes. one of them involves him tutoring the kids outside one day and u get to impart farmer knowledge on them (which is pulling from one of penny's but shh).

[jinx-blackout-84]

My highschool quote book:

----

"Violence is never the answer.... unless it is" (said with a mischievous look)

----

"I won't give you a 100 on assignment you didn't do"

"Not even for my birthday?"

".....it's not your birthday"

----

"I'm going to lick your shoulder" -girl 1

"DO NOT LICK MY SHOULDER" -girl 2

"Then cover it up, whore." -girl 1

-----

"Here's the thing, if someone licks your shoulder because you don't have it covered, that's on you," - math teacher

----

"Okay but the submissionn didn't work and the document got deleted. I did the assignment, I swear!"

"What was the passage you had to read with the questions about, then?"

".....I prefer not to answer"

"Yeah. Sit down."

----

"You guys are great. Not because youre a good class, I hate this class, but because you all turned in your presentations, and I didn't expect any of you to do it." -English teacher

----

"Hey so the presentation was supposed to be between 3-5 minutes. Yours was 23 seconds." -English teacher

".......well you can't say I wasn't efficient!"

----

"Are those drugs or tictacs? If theyre adderall I want one"

"Tictacs."

(At least 6 dissapointed sighs)

----

(For refrence they are both straight guys)

"Stop using my phone to take pictures of guy 1, I don't even know him." -Me

"But he's so hottttt....." -guy 2

----

"Can I touch your nipples?" -guy 2

"Not in public, babe" -guy 1

----

"So I was walking past the makeout hallway"

Guy 2, excitedly, "THERES A MAKEOUT HALLWAY??? TEACHER ME AND GUY 1 NEED TO GO ON A BATHROOM BREAK"

"You need to not fail my class. Do your notes."

----

"Guy 2, can you stay over tonight?" -guy 1

"OoOoH do you want to kiss me????"-Guy 2

"No I want to play video games." - guy 1

----

"So basically we are making a petition so me and guy 5 can be cheerleaders" -guy 4

"so I'll see you in a skirt?" -guy 6

"yes." -guy 4

"Can I sign this more than once?" -guy 6

(They did not get to be cheerleaders)

----

"Okay, so you know the the college fair is today-" -math teacher

(Girl raises hand)

"Can I sleep on the floor instead of attending?" -girl 3

"Are you referring to actual college or just the college fair?" -math teacher

"Both. You never answered my question" -girl 3

"You may not sleep through the college fair." -math teacher

"This is why the school system is failing." -girl 3

----

"Penis exploding machine"

----

"Project emo"

----

"Is it a vape?" -English teacher

"...Its a highlighter" -4 people say at once (it was a pink highlighter)

----

"Google search how to kill your entire family?"

----

"I feel like the second someone becomes famous they are immediately imbued with the urge to touch children" -Me

----

"I wouldn't kill you guys, that's too much work." -English teacher

----

"Am I watching a drug deal happen right now? What is happening?" -English teacher

"No I just give him money because he's my friend"

----

"Pov: the girlies go on a road trip to cannibalize politicians" - Me

----

"I wasnt looking at your boobs because they're sexy, im staring at them because I'm a fucking idiot" - Me

----

"As a proud part of the gay." - Me

----

"Everybody's parents die at some point, you dont have to be so sad about it" -Me

----

"Are you having a boy or an abortion?"

----

"I wont make you touch Jeremy's vagina, Guy 7, you don't like those" -Me

(Jeremy is an airpod case. His vagina is the charging port. Guy 7 is gay)

----

"Save that for your discord boy" - Me

----

"if your nipples are purple, you're not a virgin" - Me

----

"I do not condone racism" -Guy 7

----

"I encourage realistic thinking, not positive, but realistic" - English teacher

----

"School is about doing things you don't like" -English teacher

----

"shit down" -English teacher

----

"Karate in the English room is a no" -Me

 ----

"He dance battled too hard, the cops went after him" -Guy 7

----

"I think, had he not insisted upon gyrating at people, the cops may not have been involved" -Me

----

"Note to self: the cops do not appreciate being thrust at or run from" -Me

----

"you cant have too many grandpas, don't get greedy, guy 7" -Me

---- 

"I hate this ruler..."(Darkly) "I have to snap it in half"

[chaotic-solutions]

thinkin about knuckles and his reactions to affection. he's been alone for such an extended part of his life with his full dedication being an inherently defensive one- he's a guardian and he's intensely protective of both the things entrusted to him and that position in and of itself. and while (at least in my opinion) the master emerald loves him in return, a psychic connection to the thing you are sworn to take care of isn't the same as personal intimacy. not to mention that almost all of his first interactions with other people were hostile or competitive in nature, which i think he feels more comfortable in initially since guarding something implies people you have to be guarding against. eggman tricks him, he's at odds with sonic and tails, and the eventual reversal of his feelings on the latter is definitely something of an adjustment.

so actually experiencing closeness to his newfound friends? especially of the sort sonic so casually puts out into the world around the people he cares about? thats overwhelming. he doesn't know what to do with it and it sort of makes him shut down with the uncertainty of how to react. for all his bluster and stoicism knuckles is a kid whos been severely lacking in connection his entire life and only coped with that solitude through the purpose his ties to the master emerald give him, and he's severely out of his depth interpersonally on basically every level. he doesn't know how to react to the standard sort of kindness friends show each other, he doesn't get where those thresholds of intimacy are, and he struggles to mirror those behaviours back even though he really does try. i think it's at least part of why he works so well with sonic- because theres still a level of rivalry in their dynamic which he knows how to navigate better, and sonic is so blatant with his care for people that theres no subtext for knuckles to worry about tripping up on. sonic just likes him, plain and simple, and while his friendship is still kind of disorienting its also a deeply helpful blueprint for knuckles as he tries to figure out what to do with all these new relationships in his life, and the sorts of kindness he's suddenly privy to.

[belovedfarseer]

I think dragon keeper and dragon haven could have been one book, dragon keeper feels like a very long first act and i think theres a lot of unnecessary padding in both books, spending almost a thousand pages on the trip to kelsingra seems like way too much time. The characters kinda make up for the lackluster pacing/plot but theres only so much they can do and the fact that Thymaras sections are filled with stupid gender politics doesnt really help. Sedrics plotline this book was much better than in the first one tho, im starting to like him more, but i still have some gripes with how hes written, and i think its disappointing how his new relationship with carson just sort of happens without a lot of buildup like, carson is a very plain character and its hard to believe their romance, specially when compared to leftrin and alise (which has to be the best straight relationship hobb has written). On the positive side, i like how the rainwilds almost feels like a character on its own, hobb has always been good at making her world feel real and lived in. I like all the dragon and enderling lore we are getting too :) overall this is my least favorite rote series, its a mixed bag but im enjoying it for the most part

[assistancedogmischa]

we had our second training session with our trainer the other day.

she doesn't think mischa will be able to do PA. which... now, yeah, he can't - he's too nervous and hasn't been trained to anywhere near that level. but i think, with time and training and building up his confidence, we will at least have a shot...

she also said that we need / should get xrays from the vet before we do mobility work. which is true but also... so expensive... and we don't have an osteo specialist vet here, only one that is knowledgeable but not a specialist.

i've also been re-evaluating what i need from mischa, and i think i don't need him to do bracing, only counterbalance. counterbalance is still a mobility task, so we'd still need him to be carefully trained and evaluated by a vet, but maybe we could get away with not doing xrays...?

i dunno, i want to focus on psych tasks first anyway since that's my biggest need.

the trainer also said that she very much doubts if mischa can come with me on my surgery trip, which i'm obviously disappointed about but... not really surprised. maybe i could bring him with me as a pet...

as for actual training, misch has a solid Touch / Target now, so we'll start transferring it to targets other than my hand. we haven't started training Paws Up yet (i... forgot lol). in the training session we just had, we started practicing standing in position for bracing / counterbalance.

anyway, i plan to do donna hill's service dog training institute programs and once we get up to the PA ones, i'll have another session with our trainer and get her opinion on if he can start PA training or not.

the trainer said to start PA at dog parks, then dog friendly public places, and then non-dog friendly public places, but a friend (who has an AD) suggested doing it the opposite, since in non-dog places theres obviously no other dogs or interesting doggy smells to get distracted by. and the few times we've done PA training he's done very well considering his lack of PA/AD training in general...

i think, with time and dedication and training (and a good deal of stubbornness, which he and i both have...!), we'll get there. i'm not in a rush!

(the trainer also asked if i could consider getting another dog for AD training... not a good sign. but i would love to, i just can't at the moment. not for another year at least. i did contact a collie breeder just to get some info and see if they had any experience with ADs. but thats for the future...)

[fourthwingingit]

New years 2022 into 23 i had a seizure and now about a year later what have i noticed?

Pros:

My mental illness is way easier to manage

My penmanship is better

My outlook is more positive

I am no longer feeling like i may need to be an inpatient again

Its easier to explain difficult concepts

No longer an insomniac

Remember meals more regularly

No longer suicidal

Cons:

It took me 7 tries to write the first sentence bc i cant spell anymore

Basic learning is hard (basic number sense, spelling, addition and multiplication, remembering spesific details)

Rabdomly its really hard to do basic things (form letters, remember basic things [e.g. 2×2, how is 'the' spelled], and what button to press next [even forgetting what half of the keyboard or panel i have to go to sometimes]) and this lasts for anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes

Finding mistakes i made is really hard (im sure there will be mistakes i missed somewhere here. Even afer a bajillion times going back over it)

Having to relearn how to do some things (mostly body sense and hand dextarity things)

Its hard to think of the next thing to do sometimes. Like if i dont have a list or prompt theres just no ideas. I just lay down ot sit down for hours

Idk how to categoriz this one:

I am no longer a system. Which has pros and cons, but it makes me sad

Do i think this was a good thing overall? I do. The major things that it fixed is just filled with shit to clean up (but i beleive it can be cleaned to at least 80%)

Disclamer time: Do i reccomend trying to do it? Absolutely fucking not, its exactly as awesome as it is awful and its a craps shoot as to if you get anything good at all. Also it feels horrible (like if you can have a bad trip without having the trip while being electrocuted and go into a blackout) and can give you random brain damage so like... dont

[idiotsonlyevent]

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ i hope 2024 is kind to you and that if any difficulties do arise, they can be resolved quickly and easily!!!!!

some thoughts about my 2023 + 2024 are under the cut for personal reference but feel free to read if youd like

OUGH so many things happened this year. it was. a lot. some bad. but also lots of good!!

things i've done in 2023:

- played p3+p4: some of my favorite games of all time!!! i love you persona!!!!!

- started writing fics: ive published more than 30k words since i started, and have AT LEAST 5k scattered across various wips/ufos. which is!! thats a lot of writing for someone who only did academic stuff for the last couple of years!!!! and it feels especially good since i haven't been able to draw or make music so im glad i was able to find another creative outlet and build new(/different?) writing skills :)

- lost my job :(( but found a better COOLER job!!!

- played ghost trick: GO PLAY GHOST TRICK RIGHT NOW!!! please 🥺 best game of all time i will shill it forever

- one piece: i would kill for monkey d. luffy. that is all. haha just kidding i love you one piece thank you for the joy and whimsy youve brought into my life lets keep it up 💪💪💪 lets stay silly and work to overthrow corrupt systems and stop injustices in our world 🔥🔥

- got a surgery ive been planning on for a long time and it!! went well?? which!! yay!!! ill be officially out of recovery in a few days and its :^) nice

- also i graduated therapy for the first time ever!!! it was nice actually having closure and 'ending' the relationship on a positive note, not just being thrown to the dogs in the middle of treatment

things it would be cool to do in 2024:

- travel, even if its just a day trip. literally i've only traveled to visit my family since covid started in 2020. i need to see the ocean soon or ill die

- try revisiting the p2 duology !!! i miss my kids 😔😔 and the music 😔😔 and persona in general and since im abstaining from p3re id like to do something to 'make up for it'

- start playing bass again!!!!

- maybe start up art again?? idk :// as much as i want to get back into it, i have so much difficulty transferring what i see in my mind to the page that a lot of times it more frustrating than anything but it might be worth a shot

- read dungeon meshi

- read dandandan (+ watch the anime if i like it!!)

- write more fics!!!! hopefully i will finish my vinsmoke-centric series!!! id say finish my law series too but that might never happen since i cant shut up abt this guy lmao. and i still want to write more persona!!! so many ideas AND so much time!!!!! no need to rush!! just gotta keep chipping away!!! and trying new things!!!!!

- WATCH STOCEAN. BC I STILL HAVENT < fake jojos fan 🤡

- play the zero escape series

- play twewy/neotwewy > if theres time !!!

- probably more!!! idk!!!

[zombies-aliens]

So today at work got me thinking about myself. I was being helped by a funny coworker and she likes to have fun on the job and laugh and it's cool and all with me, I don't mind that whatsoever who doesn't like to have fun and laugh, but it kind of held a mirror to me of how tense I am. All I can do is smile and laugh and make a few comments and ask questions. But I don't joke back. You would think I didn't like her very much. I hope not though because it's not that I dislike my coworker it's just that I'm very tense and do not know how to relax. And it's kind of hard to relax at a stressful place like work where your brain and body have to be switched "on" all the time for hours on end. Even with two 15-minute breaks and an hour's lunch, it can be taxing. At least for me and what I have to do.*

But I feel like I'm too tense by default whenever I'm interacting with people even just one. I'm terrible with crowds too. All it takes is for a 3rd person to show up and it's a wrap for me I'm quiet you won't hear a peep out of me. Im just gonna be the guy who smiles, listens, and laughs at anything funny. I will not joke with them because I'm too tense to do it. I think I'm so tense that it effects my speech dude. Like I stutter a lot. I can still help people but man do I stutter. Some days it's worse than others and I keep tripping over my words and I sound like a nervous wreck. I get so embarassed and I can't even take a break I have to keep working. Sometimes the stress makes me wanna cry but I don't. A lot happens in a day at work like all that bullshit I have to go through but at the end of my shift I'm more calm (still tense but less) and by the time I'm in my car alone I can feel myself slowly relaxing and when I'm home I just can't wait to talk all about it to myself as I shower. Dude I'm so stressed I usually sing in the shower but instead I talk to myself about my day. I imagine I'm talking to someone who's listening. I'm sorry dude but at home I'm not good at being vulnerable because I'm a happy go lucky persona you could say, unless of course theres someone else in the house im not familiar with. I'm the type that doesn't really get sad I get quiet. I keep my pain to myself just because I don't know how to open. The fuck. up. I don't know how to DO IT. I've done it in therapy only once where I truly opened up and that was when I cried. I spoke from my emotions. And even tho I look back and wonder if what I said was off, I felt damn good that I did. But still, it wasn't about what I said it was about coming alive through my emotions which make me human. I felt like I ripped the band aid of figuratively speaking and let myself spill. I'd say the furthest I can get to opening up like that again is by talking but I'll filter my emotions through logic. It feels good too but it's not the same kind of release as that one time. It wouldn't need to be crying as long as it is an emotion I'm expressing. Honestly I feel like I'm dying or worse I feel like I'm suffocating when I'm not expressing my true self and my true thoughts and feelings. I'll say this: I can go through hell and I promise I'll live as long as I can talk about my experiences. Expressing myself is key. It's got to be. It just has to be. Because I just had a shit day today and I feel better now talking than I did when I left work FUCK YES THAT FELT GOOD AHHHHHHHHHH I GOT A LITTLE SMILE NOW

*( I have a new position at work where I'm running cases. That means I'm the only guy with keys who's opening cases for people to get their baby formula, their deodorant, their shampoo, their shaving stuff, energy drinks and coffee, and alcohol. And I think I missed one more but yeah. Other people help too but they have their own thing to do so help isn't available for the most part. It sounds easy on paper, but when the store is packed I am getting calls on my radio where I need to be everywhere at the same time, and I have to be there within 30 seconds or a minute - it's a medium-sized store. That's the part that stresses me out. It gets easier tho when it starts getting dark and fewer people show up so that's good. It's not pure stress all day. And I hate to sound like I'm complaining but I'm just telling you what goes on and that it gets hectic at times and then I got people who walk slowly and there's crowds I have to get through to get to another customer who needs my assistance. The customers are always patient tho. But I have to still be on time so I'm fast walking taking big steps. And coworkers could probably tell I'm stressed but then again I can't imagine what type of stress the people at customer service go through or the cashiers too. I've heard some of their stories in the breakroom and it's not pretty)