#so almost nine years have passed since I first played that game

[asapeveryday]

FANTASY - K.TOBIO

Pairing: (time skip)Kageyama Tobio x Reader

Warnings: sexual fantasies :)

Summary: you’d had a crush on tobio through most of high school, he was your friend and he was cute, so it was only natural. When he sends you a ticket to his game on japan’s official team, that crush is reawakened in a far more mature way.

A/n: I’m gonna be spouting out sum haikyu stuff hopefully 🙏

RED IS A COLOUR you’re not quite accustomed to seeing him in.

It was only a year ago when he was adorned in the beloved navy and orange uniform, a bold number nine spread on his back where a new shiny number twenty now occupies.

Everyone changes in that first year after high school, but seeing Tobio again in person only makes it more apparent. His already broad shoulders have broadened, his arms as built as you remember if not more. His hair still short and sleek, a deep black that accentuates the blue abyss that is his eyes.

You can recall all the times you’d lost yourself, drowned in the sight of his face and his unwavering stare. Of course he never though much of it, dismissing your gaze as being zoned out. You were lucky he was so oblivious of his attractive appearance at that time, because you were nothing short of smitten.

You didn’t particularly care for volleyball unless he was playing. He has a way of engulfing everything in the game, you’ve never seen him so in tune with himself and his surroundings as you have on the court. You forgot how demanding his presence is, even on a team of amazing players he still drew attention.

The look on his face, eyes trained on the ball, hair sticking to his forehead with sweat, eyebrow’s slightly furrowed, red fabric hugging his athletic body just right. It sends an embarrassing shiver through your body that you haven’t experienced since graduating from Karasuno.

It’s his turn to serve and his expression is focused as ever, posture alert and fingers spinning the ball with ease. You can’t help but lock your eyes onto his hands, toying with the volleyball as his chest expands and deflates with every fleeting breath.

The ball is in the air, and his palm makes contact powerful as a spark of electricity.

BAM.

The noise is terrifying, echoing through the whole stadium. the way the ball hits the other side of the court within bounds as Japan’s side of the stands erupt with screams of triumph is cinematic. You find yourself joining the yells of joy, smiling at the sight of Tobio loosening up, a slight smirk gracing his face as he nods at his teammates.

‘God.’ You think. ‘I feel like I’m a kid again, watching him play.’

When he sends another earthshaking serve across the court you can’t help but press your legs together. ‘No,’ you think again. ‘This is different. I feel different.’

He’s ready to really start playing now, jaw in the air and teeth bared into a dangerous grin that you just barely saw during high school. The way his arms flex with every pass, the way his fingers nimbly send the ball to his teammates or over the net, the way his toned thighs tense with every crouch to receive the ball. It just might send you over the edge, sparking thoughts that almost never graced your mind during your friendship with him.

You can see it; his hands caging you in as he hovers above you, careful not to lean his weight onto your body. You can imagine the sensation of his knee in between your legs as he tenderly kisses your lips. Tobio never cared for girls in high school, but you can imagine that a year of playing pro has widened his experience in various ways. Still, you can’t see the boy being rough with you, not when he’d sneak you notes in class or apologize for even touching you in the slightest.

Unless in one of his bad moods, you can see Kageyama Tobio being sweet. Though his length may touch places you could only dream of reaching, pumping in and out of you with the power and stamina he’s worked so hard for these past years, you know he’d kiss you like you were his first love, like he depends on the air you exhale.

“Missed you s’much.” He’d utter under against your neck, painting your skin pink and purple and his hips buck into your heat fervently. “I’ve wanted you for so long.” He’d say, and you’d mewl in response, wanting to tell him about how you longed for his focus on you since you were a first year in high school but unable to form the words.

Still, you’d like to imagine he’d know, that you wouldn’t have to tell him about how much you looked forward to his games, to staying back late after school and throwing balls for him and Hinata, to sitting with him at lunch and attempting to tutor him before giving up and going for a walk with him instead. You relished your conversations with the blue eyed boy, he was straight forward and honest. He knew exactly what he wanted out of his life at the time, and you secretly hoped you were included in that.

You couldn’t think of him this way back then, it felt wrong seeing as he trusted you so innocently as a friend and nothing more. Everything was different now. You can see it clear as day from your spot on the stands.

This Tobio, the one currently staring down a player on the opposite side of the net. He wouldn’t mind how the sight of his face coats your underwear with arousal, he wouldn’t care if you pressed yourself against him.

The thought of him spreading you open in that intricate nature of his, deep blue eyes staring up at you as his tongue explores between your legs, nipping at the soft flesh of your inner thighs before delving and devoting himself to your core.

When Kageyama committed to something, he did so to the fullest of his ability. Should he decide you’re worthy of climaxing at his hands, you’re sure he’d make sure it’s the best climax of your life.

You can’t help but bite your lip and pinch your thigh at the idea. It’s shameful how you’re staring at him straight on while fantasizing about cumming in his mouth or all over his dick, but it also adds a rush of adrenaline.

You finally shake the thoughts off when the final point is earned, Japan winning their first game of the Olympic Season. The stands erupt in celebration, you scream and laugh with the strangers by you as if you’re old friends. When your eyes part from the people seated beside you and find the court, you almost freeze at the sight that meets you.

He’s found you in the crowd, presumably remembering the exact ticket he bought you. Despite this newer, more adult version of Tobio initially shocking you, with one look at his face you know one thing hasn’t changed.

He’s still your friend, and his still thinks about you.

Tobio smiles almost nervously when your eyes lock on his, and he subtlety nods towards you. It’s enough to make your heart melt, and enough to fuel fantasies for a lifetime.

[jocelynscrazyideas]

Just friends? | Matt Rempe x Reader

Pt. 2

Warnings: language, that’s it? NOT PROOF READ

Summary: we head to the Ny Rangers game, matt had gotten three penalties and the rangers lost. We head to our little friend days, i accidentally split the way i feel about Matt, he tells me his feelings.

A:N- FIRST REMPE BLURB‼️🚨I’m scared, this is so gonna flop bc he’s like the most hated rookie…

══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══

I’ve known Matt since we were in seventh grade. It’s been nine years of friendship. I’m excited to watch him play as a rookie in THE nhl.

“Are you ready?” Matt asks me, as if I’m the one who’s nervous. This whole time he’s been pacing back and forth, we play the Hurricanes tonight in the playoffs. I’m excited!

“No. I think I’ll just stay here in the hotel and watch you play from here.” I joke with him, he obviously isn’t in the mood to mess around.

I tie his tie and flatten his suit out, I mess with his hair a bit. “Matty?” Ally walks in.

“Hey y/n! Cars running, we’ll have to leave early, we need to grab gas. Unless you are going in early with matt?” Ally, one of Matt’s older sister.

“Oh hey? I didn’t know you were here.” Steph says as she walks in, checking in on my work. “Nice tie. Who tied it?” Steph asks Matt.

“Cool, cool.” Steph says as she looks at Matt’s eyes that trail into mine.

I’ve never seen Matt the way I’ve seen other boys, maybe it’s because I’ve grown up with him, I’ve seen him go through puberty, get girlfriends, and I’ve seen his room. Ally and Steph on the other hand… well they think Matt and I are literally meant to be.

“Cute.” Ally says as she grabs Steph and walk out.

“So we’ll see you y/n, at the seats?” Ally says as she walks down the hallway of Matt’s home. Matt pulls me to his mirror that is hung in his closet door.

“You look comfy.” He said and he rubs my shoulder, he looks down at me. For preference, I am 5”3, and he’s 6”7’. He’s significantly taller than me.

“You’ll do great.” I say and I grab my bag, my phone and apply lipgloss. He stares at me while I tie up my shoes. I’m wearing a blue tank top, and on top I have a leather jacket, I have a Rangers jersey imprinted on the back of the coat. I walk around with white air forces on my feet.

We walk to the car and we pull out of the driveway. We watch Matt’s older sister’s car get smaller as we turn a corner to head towards the rink.

“Radio on?” Matt asks me, I’m sure he’ll want to play our song.

“Sure.”

He throws his phone at me and gives me aux. “no. Play something fun.”

I play Martin & Gina by Polo G.

“No, play our song.”

So I do, I type into his Spotify search Shower by Becky G. “I love this song!” Matt says as he looks over to me. He keeps his eyes on mine.

“Matt!” I yell as he steps on his breaks. He almost ran a kid over. He let the kid cross the street and Matt wanted some coffee so we head to a Caribou.

“You wnat anything?” Matt asks me, and again he stares me down, I see him looking at me like I’m the great Mona Lisa. Or as if I’m the Eiffel Tower.

“No I’m good I’ll just pick up a Dr Pepper at the food court.” I reply. I look into Matt’s eyes, he has a light bruise that stained his under eye from previous fights. I’m sure he’s fired up for playoffs, I’m excited!

~

We get to the rink and he walks in the player enterance and I head for the other side of the building, making it to the front of the building. I enter in just as normal and get my pass out to enter in as family. I understand that I should’ve gone in with Matt, but it felt better to get in early instead of late like the other family do.

I head for our seats and make it to my spot that I always sit in. I can see all the fans walking to the glass, signs are up and pressed against the window. Rempe jerseys everywhere, and family’s sitting at seats waiting for the game to start.

Hype songs start, warmups are coming. I watch Matt walk on the ice. For some reason I felt this wierd park in my stomach. I got wayyy to excited to see him. I actually smiled so big that my cheeks hurt from staring at him.

~

After game

~

The rangers lost. Matt hasn’t walked out of the locker room, and I patiently wait. He was the last one out, the coaches even left before him. The janitors started to come in and clean up. I have to wait for Matt, he’s the one driving me home.

“Matt?” I said when he finally walked out. “What.” Matt says in the grumpiest tone. He didn’t walk out for post game interviews, so I assume that he would do it later.

“Are you okay?” I ask him, I thought I was being kind for asking. He left me on heard. He just took my hand and walked me to his car. He opened my door for me, and threw his hockey gear into the back of his car.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Matt finally answered.

Okay.

“Okay, let’s just go home alright?” I say canceling our plans that we were waiting for, for the last week.

“What!? No!” Matt whines before he backs out of his parking spot. “I wnat to go.” He said as he looks at me.

“Let’s spend time together. Come on. Please? I just had the worst game of my life and you’re just gonna make me feel worse?” He guilt trips me.

“Maybe.” I sarcastically answered as I throw his hands off my thigh. See, moments like this I believe his sister that maybe we could be something. NO! Matt is just a friend, he’s practically been in my life forever. Freinds for 9years and going on, and known eachother since we were 8 years old.

“I’m gonna shower, and you need to change.” Matt says when he pulls into his driveway. His sisters pull in behind us. “Matty!” Steph tells out for him.

“What.” He replied, he sounds the way he did before we left the rink.

“Um. Okay well me and Ally are going to the mall, and we’re going back to school. See you soon okay?” Steph says and she steps back into her car. That’s the last time I’ll see them, well ofcire we still have summer but they’re all the way at college and I’m just here in New York.

~

“Okay should I wear red, or green?” I ask Matt, I men’s his opinion matters, like a lot.

“Im wearing Blue, so you should wear that blue and white outfit you got a while ago.”

“That wasn’t an option.” I reply. I just do as he says and slide in my corset top dress and a value decal lace, the white silk sits on my curves.

“You’re so beautiful.” Matt says as he watches me walk out of the bathroom. My hair is curled, my makeup done and my legs are shaved, I also have the perfect amount of heel that raises my height.

Matt looks me up and down and grabs my hand. We drive down to a cove. We eat some pasta and we grab some dessert at this small shop downtown. “Don’t get anything in that dress!” Matt warns me, I’m eating like a pig.

He’s so sweet. I could talk to him for hours.

After our foodie phase we head to the coast. We drive about an hour just to get to a beach. It was so nice, we sat and stared at the stars, but it felt wrong. I know that we would be good as a couple but, what his sister say all the time teasing him makes me think he likes me. No.

He can’t.

We’re friends.

“How’s life been? Got a hot boyfriend I don’t know about? You just moved up here in New York so how you like?” Matt asks me, he turn his head and leans back onto his forearms. He’s watching me stare into the void. I’m scared to tell him.

No, we’re just friends.

“Nope. Men are stupid. Not you of course, your perfect- your like the only guy I would date!-or well yeah it’s nice up in New York, city is beautiful and the weather is my type.” I answer, I stuttered about all of my try feelings. Shit.

“Well l feeel the same way.” Matt says, I’m sure he heard my little cry of what the hell did I say.

“What.”

“I like you as well y/n. You didn’t notice?”

[leveloneandup]

Christen Press on returning to soccer following ACL tear, season three of The RE—CAP podcast

Christen Press, the all-time leading goal scorer in Stanford history, has starred for club and country since graduating in 2010. With the USWNT, she has won two World Cups and scored 64 international goals. Press has played overseas professionally, including a stint at Manchester United, as well as in the NWSL with the Chicago Red Stars, Utah Royals and currently with Angel City FC.

After tearing her ACL in June 2022, Press required four surgeries and an arduous recovery. She returned to her first training session on Tuesday, after which she spoke to SBJ about her rehab and the new season of her podcast. Along with Tobin Heath, Megan Rapinoe and Meghan Klingenberg, Press founded a media and lifestyle brand called RE—INC in 2019. She and Heath are the co-hosts of the RE—CAP podcast, which returns for its third season on Thursday. The first episode includes appearances by USWNT legend Abby Wambach and author and podcast host Glennon Doyle.

On returning to the pitch . . .

I am currently in the car driving home from my first training. I would say the road to recovery happens very slow, and then yet it happens all at once. I have been back in the team environment for almost four months. So it's been a long time that I've been integrated into the environment, and it took four months for me to get ready to be in a warmup and a passing pattern — really simple, basic stuff. And I felt very ready for it. I felt almost underwhelmed by how easy it was because I've done a lot more complicated things, and yet it was also entirely overwhelming and joyful to be so connected to my teammates and be celebrated in the way that I have been these last two days.

I'm very grateful for that. They say it's the hope that kills you, and as I drive home, I just have this big smile on my face because I can't help it. I can't help hoping. I can't help believing that I'm going to make it back, and it's going to be everything that I see in my head. I'm relentlessly optimistic, I'm naively positive, and I like that about myself, and I'm not I don't intend to change it. I think the way that it left me feeling was just like, yes, I can do this.

On monitoring her rehab . . .

I'm a person of devices, so I have quite a toolkit, I'd say, of ways that we're tracking and measuring. The truth is we're really still working through issues with my knee, and I have chronic scarring of the knee, so I can experience some discomfort and some swelling that could lead to more scarring, which is incredibly rare, because most people don't scar after a couple months after their surgery. I'm now over nine months for my surgery and still at risk of scarring. So it just means that I have to try very carefully with how much impact my knee can take.

We're being careful, but we're progressing. In terms of my overall fitness, what my GPS has said is that I've got to like 60% of a match load, which is all that I really need to get in terms of volume. And yet, in the warmup and the passing pattern today, it felt like I played a 90-minute game. I was so fatigued. There's training, and then there’s really training. There's no way to get fit for football, except for playing football. And I've done a ton of running, I've done a ton of lifting, and now it's time to play.

On how deep she gets into data . . .

My performance staff would laugh because they said they've never worked with a player that cares so much. So right now, I wear a Polar Watch that I was given in like 2015 from the national team. It's just old school. And I wear my Apple Watch, which is connected to my GPS so I can see all my data live, from heart rate to distance to speed to all that. And then I do sleep with an Oura ring — although I'm not endorsing any of these products, I'm not connected to any of these products — but I do sleep with an Oura ring and track my sleep and my stress levels.

On season three of the podcast . . .

Our show really is about authenticity, and it's about creating a more inclusive space for sports and including diversity of perspective. And so that means we have hard conversations, and we have honest conversations and we have vulnerable conversations, and we have a lot of fun — the same spirit and joy that you saw last year during the World Cup edition of the show. We're back, and we're bigger than ever.

On the origin of the creating the podcast . . .

I never thought I would be in media. I think that's even more true of Tobin. There's two typical paths for athletes after soccer, and it’s coaching and broadcast. ‘So Christen, do you want to be a coach?’ ‘No.’ ‘So Christen, then you must want to be a broadcaster? I was like, ‘No.’

That's an interesting part of the story, but first and foremost, we decided to launch this show as current and active players, and that's unique and different. It's not really a stepping-back-from-soccer thing. It's current players trading stories and having a little bit more space to dictate the narrative.

And then secondly, we really approach this as business leaders. This is our business, this is our company. We are a 3C company: content, community and commerce. The most amazing thing about women's sports is the community, and we're trying to build the coolest women's sports community in the world in our membership, and we're feeding that with amazing content.

And I think because we have such an authentic and vulnerable relationship with our audience that we've developed over the last five years that we've been building this business, it made sense for Tobin and I to be our first piece of content that was really more large scale and more widely accessible. But the plan will be to find like-minded people that sit at the intersection of sports, progress and equity, to continue to hear stories from an insider's perspective. It really disrupts the industry in that way.

On topics they plan to cover in season three . . .

We're going to be talking about women's health, particularly in sport, which is obviously a really hot topic, and representation in sport — how we make it more diverse and equitable for more people, be it across the gender spectrum, the orientation spectrum, across different races and classes. I think that's incredibly important. Soccer in America is an upper-middle class sport, and almost everywhere else in the world, it's a very accessible sport that's found on the street. That's really the spirit of football, so that's really important to us.

On the role of athletes as activists . . .

The interesting thing about the community that surrounds women's sports in particular is they care about a lot more than the sports, and the values transcend beyond the pitch. And that's about diversity, inclusion, progress. And I think that's just inherent because it is disruptive in itself to see women embodied, powerful, unapologetic and also very celebrated the way that you do in the professional sports world today. The people that it's drawing in are the same people that want to march, and they want to create change and they want to stand up for what they believe in.

It's so embodied in the Angel City culture. The professional team that I play for has just nailed it. And when you're in the stadium, it's electric, and win or lose, it's a different type of vibe than any other sports arena I've been in because there's a connection point for all of the audience. They care about more than the X's and O's. They care about what we represent to them, the progress and the opportunity that we as women athletes represent.

On the versatility of women athletes . . .

It's always been that way in women's sports, and it's just becoming more popularized. I think the expectation is that we would always be multifaceted as women and expected to do multiple jobs in multiple roles, if we were going to have careers. And so it really did take to me and my personality to be a player and also be a leader off the field, on the US women’s national team, going through the Equal Pay lawsuit, going through the reestablishment of our players association.

For me, it was such a balancing sense of purpose that I continue to create space in my life for that, and I think that's what we've done with our business, RE—INC. RE—INC is reimagined, incorporated. We set out, in 2019 when we started this company, to reimagine the status quo, to reimagine the way women are seen and experienced in sports. And it's a very bold and ambitious goal, and we do it in a multifaceted way. And I'm really, really proud of that.

[silent-stories]

𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐀𝐅𝐀𝐑 - 𝟏𝟎 (𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞)

Pairing: Eddie x F!Reader

Summary: Aaron moved out and you and Eddie are together and finally, truly happy.

Part 9

"How long do you think this campaign is going to last?" You asked Wayne sitting next to you on one of the benches in front of the trailer as you waited for Eddie to come back.

"Sometimes it takes two hours, sometimes three, sometimes four... I really can't give you an answer, kid. That boy is unpredictable when it comes to that game." He brought a cigarette to his lips.

It had been a week since Aaron had left Hawkings, you saw Eddie every day at school and almost every afternoon at your house or in his trailer and you often spent the night in his arms.

Things were going well, Eddie was pretty sure he was going to finally graduate and you were about to get a job at a new shop that just opened in town.

"He loves you, ya know?" Said the man sitting next to you blowing a cloud of smoke out of his mouth. "He doesn't talk much about his feelings but I think you're the first person he's loved so much."

"Oh trust me, I know. He shows it to me every day." A slight smile formed on your lips just as a van came into your sight and parked in front of the trailer.

Wayne made a gesture with his hand towards Eddie getting off the van "Speaking of the Devil..."

"Hey sweetheart, sorry I'm late." He placed a quick kiss on your lips as he reached you, basically ignoring his uncle sitting next to you.

You giggled.

Too sweet for the Devil. You always knew that.

The sky was lit up with what seemed like hundreds of stars and the moon was shining almost full.

You and Eddie were lying on the roof of his trailer, your eyes were up at the night sky and you were cuddled up next to him, your head was on his chest and his leather jacket was wrapped around your shoulders because you had left yours in the trailer and neither of us wanted to go down and get it.

"Are you sure you're not cold?" You asked raising your head slightly towards Eddie.

"I'm sure." He muttered. "And you look too good in my jacket to take it back."

You rolled your eyes before your gaze fell on Bones as she walked with one paw after another on the edge of the roof of the trailer, staring intently ahead.

When you'd left your house to go to Eddie's she'd followed you and jumped into the passenger seat as if she knew you were going to see, now clearly, her favorite person.

You'd been trying to get her out for at least ten minutes but after she dug her nails into the seat and hissed at you, you gave up and decided Eddie would have an extra guest that night.

"What if she falls?" Eddie asked suddenly, you understood he was referring to the cat that was walking next to you.

"She has nine lives and always falls on her paws." You knew Bones wouldn't fall, she often climbed trees in your garden and sometimes even on the roof of your house via the balcony and she was always able to get down and stay alive.

"But it's cute that you worry about her." You added with a slight smile on your lips.

"She's my girl, of course I worry about her." He commented, a slight playful note in his voice because he knew what you would answer.

"Your girl? I'm your girl!" You exclaimed dramatically, exaggerating on purpose.

Eddie chuckled, his fingers found your hand and, and after grabbing it, he brought it to his lips to leave a kiss on the back of it. "You are."

"Mh, that's better." You said bringing his hand to your chest to play with his fingers and draw imaginary circles on the back of it.

You usually did that to calm him down when something was wrong, he was upset about something or someone made some redu comments about him or your relationship, or before a test he absolutely needed to pass so he didn't have to repeat the year again but eventually it became a habit.

"Shooting star, make a wish." You pointed up where something glowed making a trajectory across the sky.

"I'm pretty sure it was an airplane or something." He chuckled.

"Don't ruin the moment!" You exclaimed again. "Make a wish."

Silence fell between you and you lifted your head towards him, his gaze was already on you. "I have everything I need right here."

"Well, that was cheesy. Not metal at all if you ask me." You rolled your eyes knowing he was watching you, just to annoy him.

"Well, sorry if I'm trying to be a good boyfriend!" Eddie tried to sound angry but the huge grin on his face couldn't go away. He loved to bicker with you like that sometimes.

Your look softened. "You already are."

He didn't hesitate to imitate your tone.

"Well, that was cheesy. Not metal at all if you ask me."

"Oh, come on!" You exclaimed in exasperation and Eddie couldn't help but burst out laughing before wrapping a hand around your waist and if possible pushing you even closer to him. "I love you, you know that right?"

"Will you tell me I'm cheesy if I tell you I love you too?"

Eddie looked at you for a few seconds, as if the fact that there was a possibility that you loved him too had caught him off guard. "No, I won't."

You placed a hand on his cheek, pushing him towards you to make your lips meet. "I love you too."

He smiled with his mouth so close to yours that you could feel his breath on your lips, his eyes were glittering thanks to the moonlight that was bringing out the golden hues in them.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have really pretty eyes?"

Eddie hesitated for a moment. "My mom always did."

"She was right." A soft smile appeared on your lips.

When he finally kissed you, you realized you hadn't made a wish either. You didn't need it.

Your lips had to part as something jumped on Eddie's chest and he burst out laughing, resting his head on the roof.

"Bones! Get off my boyfriend!"

"Aww... someone is jealous."

"Are you talking about me or the cat?"

"Both of you."

"Eddie!"

"Don't worry, I love you more."

Eddie ran his two ringed fingers through Bones' fur as she purred, sniffing his hair curiously.

"Maybe."

"I heard you!"

The trailer was silent and almost completely dark when you rolled out of bed as Eddie was in a state of doze, his head resting on the only pillow on his bed and his curls scattered around his face.

His arm wrapped around your waist, ready to push you back against his bare chest before you could stand.

"Where are you going?" He whispered.

"I gotta go to the bathroom for a second, I'll be right back."

He didn't answer but his arm dropped onto the mattress after he softly caressed your side.

Your feet walked silently through the different rooms of the trailer and when you returned to Eddie's bedroom, you didn't see the desk that you hit with your arm, knocking over a notebook.

You glanced over at Eddie who seemed to be sound asleep and reached down to grab what had fallen.

When you pulled it up, a sheet fell out of it.

Before placing it back in the notebook, your eyebrows furrowed as you looked at the page.

Two stikman were on the left, one with curly hair and both smiling, the others on the other side of the paper had angry faces and smoke was coming out of their ears.

You smiled at the memory of the day you produced that awful drawing during a boring class while trying to get Eddie to come to Aaron's party.

Your smile only widened at the thought that although months had passed Eddie hadn't thrown away that drawing and he kept it in the middle of a notebook, safe.

You folded it up and put it where you got it before crawling back into bed next to Eddie and wrapping your arms around him, resting your head on his chest.

"Goodnight Eds." You murmured, thinking he was already sleeping.

Bones jumped onto the bed, looking for a space between you two to settle down.

"Goodnight Bones."

"Eddie!"

He giggled before placing a kiss on your forehead.

"Goodnight sweetheart."

It's been a lot fun writing this series, thanks to everyone who has read up to here! <3

Tags: @jacklesdeanvessel @morning-sky7 @pipsqueakkitten @navs-bhat @michaelfuckinglangdon

Love you from afar tags: @capitanostella @enam3l @saramelaniemoon @ang3lb44by @einkitty @themorriganisamonster @esme-viridian @daisyridleyyyy @whenshelanded @eggo-segual @comfortcharactercraze @callmeyn @expiredcum21 @unholyyylita @squidscottjeans @twilight-love-nochu-main @idkatee @bakugouswh0r3 @amira0303 @greatpizzascissorstaco @ebonybloom @emxxblog @lunaryasha @cherryobx @jasminelafleur @magicalchocolatecheesecake @tracymbcm @harrypotter-imaginees @eli-flower @mrsjellymunson @tttttttttttts-things @miabiar @wayfaring----stranger @princess-eddie @omgshesinsane @littlestarfighter03 @zoeymunson @tanyaherondale @bl4ckt00thgr1n @thebook-hobbit @eris-rose-86 @ly17 @jenuhlyn @ximi1315 @avocadotoastwithegg @lomljigg @urdad-hot @1paire2vans @praline357

[kangaracha]

QUEENMAKER | CHAPTER 4

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pairing chan x reader

genre ninth member au, enemies to lovers, angst, fluff, coming of age, social media, cancel culture, anxiety, depression, forbidden love,

summary To JYPE, the solution is simple; take the sole trainee that will not debut with your brand new girl group, and use her to replace the missing vocalist in your male group that insisted on starting as nine.

Unfortunately, to the fans and the members themselves, it isn't that simple.

status ongoing

taglist OPEN

previous | masterlist | next

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By sheer coincidence, or maybe just rampant bad luck, you do see I.N on the way to your second dance practise of the day, lurking around by the vocal rooms at the same time as you finish a lesson.

You almost walk away, truth be told, when his back remains turned to you, busy talking to someone you don't recognise. You've barely met, apart from scattered exchanges of words (which is still more than you've exchanged with Han, who only ever seems focused on the dance or on doing something silly in another corner of the room), and it seems...awkward, to go over and grab him and not let go, as Lee Know had so eloquently put it. Rude, too, when he is still a sunbaenim, in public and in the group that you're now a part of, two years your senior even though he is younger-

It's a weird situation to be in. That reality hadn't left your mind since Taerin had pointed it out on the day you'd first received the offer; and it's only the safety of that knowledge bolstered by the...unease of turning up to dance practise and admitting that you saw him and didn't bring him that propels you down the hall, trying to catch his attention without interrupting his conversation. 

He glances over the moment that you pass by his peripheral vision, pausing midsentence to give you a small wave in greeting and then resuming what he was saying, half-turned as if you are part of the conversation. You hang back anyway, trying not to listen in as he finishes up and his friend departs, leaving you alone in the hallway.

"What's up?" he asks when the other boy is out of earshot.

A sheepish smile sets itself upon your face. "This might sound weird, but I was instructed to...drag you to dance practise, basically."

He stares at you for a second, uncomprehending, and then blanches, pulling several faces in a row. "I nearly forgot about that," he says, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand, and then frowns. "Wait, is that what Lee Know hyung said?"

"Basically," you answer, and pull out your phone to show him. One eyebrow raises, a look of disdain crossing his face even as he struggles not to laugh.

"He makes it sound like I'm always late or something," he complains as you start down the hall together, shifting his bag on his shoulder for better comfort. "For the record, I've never been late."

Unbidden, a smile plays on your lips. "Never?" you dare to ask, testing the waters just a bit. 

You're pleased when he cracks a smile and a breathy laugh, unable to hide it under a straight face. "Maybe sometimes. Not as much as he wants you to think, though."

You're inclined to believe I.N, despite not knowing much of either side. While you've missed some of the boys in the first week of practise, never ending up close to each other by pure circumstance, you've spent the great majority of that time trying to follow along with Lee Know as he picks at details and mistakes and runs choreography back past the other boys - and toys with them as he pleases, straightfaced enough to make anything that comes out of his mouth sound believeable. 

And anything could come out of his mouth, any bald-faced lie he feels like telling in the moment. In practise times, he is a serious and trustworthy teacher, but as soon as the music turns off, anyone is fair game and any topic that will cause havoc amongst the people gathered in the room is preferable.

It's kind of funny, when you're standing nearby and innocently listening in. You have a feeling it's funny when it happens to you as well, but his particular kind of wit hasn't turned towards you yet. 

Lee Know is already waiting when you make it to the dance room, the music playing while he lazily marks choreography to the mirror. God's Menu, the track that's beginning to play in your dreams and your nightmares, when you find the time to have them. The bane of your existance, almost, except that the tune is horrifically catchy and the choreo is starting to make its way into your bones and at that point, it is hard to resent any of the track. 

He turns as you enter, watching the door swing open in the reflection of the mirror, and then strides across the room to pause the music. "You brought him," he says to you, pleased, as Jeongin trails in behind you, closing the door with the bump of his shoulder.

"Hyung," he says before you can say anything. "Why am I being escorted to practice now?"

"No reason," Lee Know replies, deadpan; but there's an impish look in his eyes that says otherwise, the ghost of the smile that he's hiding curving in the lines of his face. You have a feeling you've both just been the butt of some joke he's only told himself, especially when the look that Jeongin gives you behind his back is long-suffering. Perhaps you hadn't been so right about him not toying with you yet.

Dance practise runs smoothly, as it always does, although there is far less goofing around at the beginning than there is when all eight boys are here together. This is a sombre duo, you notice; Minho is sharp-eyed and precise in what he wants, but gentle in his teaching - I.N is studious in response, trying to press every little detail into his limbs in the short time given. 

You are serious about practise too, determined to get it right and trying to emulate the attitude that I.N puts forward as best you can, but...it is hard. Not the choreography so much, although it isn't easy, but the detail, the finer points that they have spent years honing while you were still scrapping for survival in the trainee rooms. They work with a practised ease, falling into a rhythm that molds to the other members that they've beaten into their bodies in the two long years they've danced with each other, but your body won't follow along so easily no matter how hard you try - always a little stiff, or a fraction slow, or too reserved when the rest are opening up. Always sticking out like a sore thumb, no matter the placement or the move.

Dancing was already a sticking point for you, an achilles heel you've worked and worked and worked to overcome, but this is...this is another thing. It's daunting, to come into this room every day and play yourself back on a video and notice the fractions of a second that pass by, the way everyone else moves around each other and you stand like a rock in the centre of their ocean, unable to follow an underwater current you weren't even made to feel.

"Bigger movements," Minho says as Chan's voice plays over the speakers, the nod of his head marking the choreography as he turns his back to the mirror and watches intently. Your kick is good, sky-high and bursting with energy, but the movement after it is quick, and then the throw-

"Bigger," Minho says again, arms reaching and pulling in example even as the music moves on. "Keep going."

You pick it back up at the prechorus, stretching for that extra movement he wants to see, trying to embed the feeling of it right down into your bones. It's hard, and it's tiring - your mind slips to something else, or your breath hitches funny in your throat, and your body wants to slip back into its old way of dancing, rather than stretching to its limits. You've always found details hard, to spot and to correct, your confidence in your own judgement lacking; unlike singing, where you were sure you knew what you were capable of and when you strayed from your goals.

The music ends with a final bow to the mirror, your mouth open and your chest heaving, the dance burning like liquid fire in your veins. You have to remind yourself to hold the pose and hide the weakness of your limbs for several seconds, a small moment you hadn't really thought to practise in the past - your eyes stray to Jeongin, taking up the spot just in front and to your right, waiting for him to break first before you relax too, shaking out your arms.

"It was good," Minho says, his voice lifting upwards in what you think is a hopeful tone. "Better than the other day."

"Still not good enough though," you reply, though you store the compliment away in the corner of your mind, pleased that he isn't saying you haven't learnt anything. Debut or not, you've always taken pride in being an excellent student, and you need that one thing to hold on to right now, when everything else is so up in the air.

"Not yet," Minho agrees readily, leaning back against the counter at the back of the room. His eyes meet yours in the mirror, the expression unreadable. "Not that it's an easy dance. Keep working on the details, and it will keep getting better."

You feel like there's an or else attached to that sentence that he isn't saying, a black cloud that hangs over you as his voice peters out and his gaze watches you thoughtfully, though what he's searching for, you don't know. All you can do is nod in response and push down the cold fear, letting his eyes drop away as he turns to say something to Jeongin that sounds much more positive than your review.

"Can we run through Top today too?" Jeongin questions when he is done, one sleeve wiping the sweat from his brow. "We're going back to that this week, aren't we?"

"Yeah," Minho confirms. "One week before we go."

"Top?" you question with a frown; the name sounds familiar, maybe from the extensive list of tracks sitting in a folder on your phone waiting to be listened to, but you can't summon any memory of the track itself off the top of your head. 

"Our Japan promotion next week," Jeongin says. "You haven't heard it yet?"

"I think I have it somewhere, but I've been focusing on the album," you reply. "You're going to Japan next week?"

"You don't have the new schedule?" Minho questions.

"No?" you reply tentatively. "Not one with Japan on it, anyway. The only thing on my schedule is dance and vocal. No one's told me anything else." Not even Chan, though he'd been...busier this week. More distant, only around for group practise and then gone again. You've seen most of the boys around by themselves, practising one thing or another, but not Chan, who seems quite happy to leave you with Minho and focus on whatever duties he had that were drawing him away. Not that you could blame him, when you were just an additional problem thrown on him right before a comeback. If you were him, you'd probably find someone else to deal with it too.

Jeongin reaches out, patting you on the shoulder sympathetically. "No one tells me anything either," he says, so serious that somehow, he circles right back around to funny. It surprises you, so much that a smile cracks across your face unbidden; which in turn makes him laugh, a short breath that swallows itself back down before it can become a proper giggle.

Minho is immune to the humor, arms crossed over his chest. He looks like he has something to say, his brow furrowed in a particular way, but all he says is, "Lets do Top," and turns to the computer again, scrolling through the tracklist. 

Jeongin turns towards the mirror, flashing you a smile as he picks a spot on the floor to begin. You shuffle out of the way before the music starts, dropping onto the couch in time with the first note and reaching for water. Minho wanders across the room in no real hurry, watching Jeongin pick up the first beats of the choreography on his own, the spaces where the other members are supposed to be around him gaping wide.

"Are you at the front for the chorus?" Minho asks over the sound of Hyunjin's voice playing through the speakers, Jeongin joining him at the side of the room as the verse plays out. 

"Yes," Jeongin replies.

"Oh, I.N-ah!" Minho crows, and then picks up the dance as Hyunjin's part ends and Seungmin begins, his voice clear and crisp as the beat behind it drops out. "Main dancer I.N-ah!"

Laughing, Jeongin follows, joining in time with the music. You watch, mesmerised as they work their way through the chorus and then back into another verse; this is obviously choreography made for a whole group, not to be done on its own, but even with the obvious gaps in the timing, it looks...cool. Fun, you're surprised to think, even though the fast, sharp movements never seem to stop and I.N obviously tires the longer it goes on, his action softening and his body starting to forget the movement that comes next, limbs hesitating a fraction too long. 

Minho oscillates between dancing and watching, eagle-eyes following every small shift in the other boy's body from start to finish. It's impressive, how much he can see at once, how there are so many timings missing with the other members and yet he knows where and when everything is supposed to hit, his brow furrowing or his head cocking to the side when something isn't quite right.

"You know what to work on for that," he says when the music ends, shrugging when Jeongin's eyes find him in the mirror. You move for him, leaning over to the computer to pause the music before the next song can start playing. 

"Everything?" Jeongin guesses wryly, pushing his hair back out of his eyes. 

"We haven't done it for a while," Minho says. "Wait until we all do it. You're going to be the only one in time."

"Because I'm at the front," Jeongin says, but he manages to smile anyway, turning away from the mirror in search of his water bottle. 

Minho is unsympathetic, following him across the room. "Well if we put you at the back, how will anyone see how cute you are?"

Jeongin twists sharply. "That's true," he says, masking the laugh that threatens to spread across his face. "You're smart, hyung."

"I know," Minho replies, and then he turns away, picking up his jacket. "Are you going home now?"

"No, I have a lesson."

"I.N-ah, are you practising everything today?" Minho's voice rises with each word, the grin on his face growing wider and wider. You lean back against the counter as you watch, amused at the way they bounce off each other as Minho pokes at his ribs and I.N laughs, skittering away out of reach. "You're so cool. You're going to be a rockstar."

"Get out of here," Jeongin says, shoving him away. 

Minho laughs, stepping towards the door, and then turning to you. "You were good today," he says; his voice light, but not uncaring. "You're going to sing next time."

"Thankyou," you say, your head dropping, unable to accept the compliment face-to-face. Someone outside catches Minho's attention in the next moment, drawing him towards the door. 

"Hey," Jeongin says before you can follow, drawing up beside you. "Give me your number, and I'll tell you when I'm in here practising."

You blink at him, your hand automatically reaching for your phone before stalling again. So far, only Minho has asked for your number, to organise times for these practises. "Are you sure?" you question. "You don't have to do that."

I.N nods, his phone already in his hand. "As your sunbae, I have to make sure Minho's teaching doesn't kill you," he says, a smile tucking itself away behind his cheek as he pretends to be completely serious. "As my elder, you should be here to make sure he doesn't kill me."

You're the first to laugh again, the sound bursting out of you unbidden at the face he makes, the specific way he intones each word. He looks pleased at your reaction, a smile lighting up his face. "Deal," you say, and you pull out your phone, tapping his number into a new contact.

TAGLIST

@kokinu09 @rainfallingfromthesky @lixie-phoria @mysweethannie @chlodavids @hanniemylovelyquokka @tfshouldidohere @lauraliisa @puppysmileseungmin @kalopsian-thoughts @puppy-minnie @readerofallthingss @dvbkie099 @kthstrawberryshortcake-main @acker-night @d-chagi @lynlyndoll @borahae-reads @ihrtlix @yienmarkk @minhwa @i2innie @jinnie-ret @conwunder

[honeyhotteoks]

I'm reading your ask game, and loving all your answers and how deep and thoughtful you can get to them! In general, your advice posts have been really helpful for me, too. I used to write a lot--like, a lot lot. I've won contests, been published (non-paying minor things only) and written tens of thousands of words for both fanfic and original stuff, but several years ago, I just...stopped. It's been so hard to pick it up again but for some reason, your posts and advice have been really helpful. Coupled with how much I really do love the way you write and the stories you're telling, I'm so excited to tell you that I've started writing again! (For a completely different fandom and concept.) Who knows if it'll ever see the light of day, or even get finished, but who cares? The important part is that I'm writing again and I'm so happy about it! I wanted to share and hopefully pass on some of my joy to you, since you played a part in creating it. Thank you for being so open and thoughtful and sharing that with us! And for the ask...18 and 29?

🍑

oh my goodness this was the kindest ask to receive but also i am so so happy for you!! i know exactly what you mean, years ago i was a really active writer in other fandoms but i was struggling to finish work, and then all of a sudden i lost it. i didn’t write for years and then ateez brought it all back, so i totally know how hard that is and then how exciting it is to be inspired again 🩷

for the ask game, thanks for sending these in!!

18: if you keep them, share a deleted scene or a paragraph from a published fic:

oh my goodness i actually have a lot of these but my favorite is that i actually have a whole chapter and almost arc for aurora 2 that i decided wasn’t actually right for the characters and so that’s just fully on the cutting room floor. i have pulled dialogue lines and beats into other stories and the new arc of aurora, so i don’t want to actually post it and spoil that, but the plot is below if people find this interesting!

basically in aurora 2 i wanted (and still want) a big moment of conflict where reader is running herself into the ground working too hard and the boys make her take a step back for her health- very much like… they’ve learned from their own mistakes and won’t let her make them. in my first draft of this i was really playing with a couple of tropes that don’t fit but i particularly love writing and reading. so in the old version, she’s stressed and sick enough that she misses a period and is convinced she’s pregnant, and the panic of what that would actually mean kind of tailspins her. there’s a lot of very soft yunho and san content here when she confesses her fears, into all eight of them kind of gathering around her and being good partners while she takes a test and finds out it’s negative. hongjoong gives her a very tender lecture on working too hard and caring for herself, and actually in this scene i wrote in kind of hongjoong saying “you know we all love you” as a throw away line that just kind of rocks her. and the scene ends with her unable to sleep after lots of ot8 comfort moments, and going to yunho and san’s bedroom for comfort. they’re up too, minds racing, and they have kind of teary, emotional sex. she finally confesses she’s in love with them, and they realize… while they all want this and love each other… they can’t have a traditional relationship. it’s honestly a pain train of a scene.

it was fun to write, and like i said there’s story beats or lines i am keeping, but overall it’s too melodramatic and didn’t really work for aurora. i think i realized after writing it that the high tension moment of her being sick and the high tension moment of love confessions don’t have to be tied together like that, and the complicated feelings nine people would have over a potential pregnancy wouldn’t be as clean as everyone being supportive.

i can tell you i am pulling parts of that plot into a different work because i love a good babyfic, but i actively try to keep those things in epilogues / separate one-shots etc., because i know for many readers those plot lines are either triggering or give them the ick. it really doesn’t belong in aurora, but it was a fun writing exercise that ended up pushing me to write other stuff.

29: how easy is it for you to come up with titles

it depends on the work honestly? while i’m writing the work usually sits as “untitled {insert trope} {insert member} fic�� until i’m ready to start posting and then i have to figure it out.

sometimes it’s something i’m pulling out of the fic itself like with his sweet girl, or sometimes i’m trying to make an ateez reference with something like into the aurora or across stardust. for those i usually have a keyword that i want and then i play around with it in phrases or paired words until it clicks. and then sometimes i’ll fully just reference a song or movie or whatever. the ghostface fic title, an innocent man doesn’t stand a chance, is actually a modified quote from scream so i kind of liked that subtle reference for people if they like that movie.

so i guess it’s “easy” in the sense that i just say shit out loud until something hits lmao

[my-taintedheart]

Life is Strange: Double Exposure..

honest review + comparison to LiS1!!

Also light spoiler warning!! If anyone wants it I will be explaining the plot. (it’s crazy confusing but i’ll try to help everyone get it)!! <3 if you want me to make a version without all the spoilers please tell me and I will!!

Key point I almost forgot to add, I chose Chloe died— I can’t see them breaking up and I can’t handle the mischaracterisation of her character either. (I will be playing the ‘We broke up’ pathway but because I just finished the game I wanna let it marinate). If you would like me to do a review on that (or just Chloe) I will, but please be patient!!

there are heavy spoilers in the paragraph about Safi’s character so be careful!!

I finished Life is Strange: Double Exposure the other night and I thought because they finally released the full game and some people (me) didn’t get Life is Strange (the first game) until a while after it’d released, I thought that you should know whether or not to get the game. I think with a game that costs as much as DE you definitely have to take reviews into consideration before spending that much money on a game that you might not like.

First of all, the plot. I thought in the early released 2 chapters I had a grasp on what was happening (I was wrong) the last 3 chapters completely lost me and I could barely put together the pieces of the plot without straining my head trying to understand— the plot could’ve been amazing but I feel as if it’s wasted potential considering that they didn’t need Max Caulfield to be the main character and she’s only there so it’ll be a ‘sequel’ but what i’ve noticed is that it isn’t an actual sequel to LiS1, my reasons for this are: the fact that the only thing connecting the two games are Max and her powers and Victoria Chase posting on Crosstalk.

Next of all, the romance options— I feel like Deck Nine were pushing romance way to much, which is most definitely shown in the game— so many characters were flirting with Max (I get it, she is unbelievably fine.) but I feel like it was too much— the smash or pass game with Vinh is just pushing it too much, yeah I get some adults may do that but it was giving high school and considering Max is pushing (or is?) 30, I felt like it was really childish for a bunch of middle aged/ young adults which is my reason for passing everyone (my heart belongs to Chloe..). I feel like even after friend-zoning Amanda and not drinking with Vinh they still continue to flirt with Max, which I find quite annoying since either of them can’t get the hint she isn’t available— the most annoying thing is that Vinh and Amanda aren’t even into Max like that, Amanda is trying to hide her feelings for Gwen (honestly real) and Vinh is still in love with Safi AND sleeping with Reggie who he later ends up getting with (i’m pretty sure..). No offence to Amanda or Vinh but I got the romantically disentangled badge (Romance neither Vinh or Amanda) because I feel like yes, Max deserves to love again but I don’t feel like in the 10 (?) years after Chloe died she would choose right after her friend (Safi) dies to start dating??

Like LiS1, Double Exposure took around 10 hours to finish the full game, I don’t really mind that because I had nothing to do anyways— the difference is that in LiS1 it didn’t really feel like 10 hours, it had such a steady flow that I got lost in and totally forgot time existed for those 10 hours. Whereas with Double Exposure it felt like time was slowed (in a bad way) and felt 2x longer than the 10 hours that I played, which would make sense for a game that Deck Nine produced because I felt the exact same way with Before the Storm. In my opinion it took so long to finish even though it was the same amount of time I spent on LiS1, I was bored and I just wanted it to be over with— and the fun and exciting feeling that LiS1 filled me with was severely lacking in Double Exposure.

The characters, where do I get started? First on my list:

Max, the main character of the game— she has changed so much in comparison to the girl she used to be in LiS1 but that’s understandable, almost a decade (I think?) later your bound to change even a little. I like how they kept her PTSD from The Dark Room which is shown in the last episode (I won’t spoil), I also like how they kept her nervous aspects but also made her a more confident character which is both shown when Amanda comes over to comfort her and Max says ‘I could eat you under the table’ without realising what it means until she says it, to which she (obviously) get super awkward about when she realises.

Next, Amanda honestly I feel like she was a super nice character and had okay writing which was sadly wasted potential because she (like most of the others) was a character around only to be a romance option for Max and lacked a true personality that didn’t revolve around romance or trying to flirt with Max (even after I friend-zoned Amanda..).

Next: Vinh, the fact that he had more of a personality and character than most of the other characters is disappointing because it’s also wasted potential, coincidentally wasted on guess what? Him only being an important (kinda) character, so he could also be a romance option is disappointing due that he was a (relatively) relatable character for some players. Sadly like Amanda, his whole personality revolved around trying to get into Max’s pants and the fact that he was in love with Safi— and at the same time sleeping around with Reggie.

Heavy spoilers below!! (Skip if you don’t wanna be spoiled)

Next: Safi, honestly her whole character was beyond confusing I mean there isn’t much I can say that could make sense without all the context— but I liked her, her character was probably one of the only characters that had character (if that makes sense?) her backstory was lacking in a way that Chloe’s wasn’t. (I’ll explain how I think they’re connected.) Also, her entire character was wasted on her confusing super-villain trope, all I got was that her Dad left and her Mom was in a bad mental state, her Mom tried to prove that she didn’t need Safi’s Dad’s help to do something right so she pressured Safi to be perfect to the point where Safi broke and became able to shape-shift into somebody else (which nobody, until Max knew about)— and she spiralled out of control after she found out her Mother cancelled her book deal (which was about Maya) and caused a storm because she lost control of her powers (like Max).

Last but not least, my comparison to LiS1– the main difference between Life is Strange and Double Exposure would be the producers: Life is Strange was produced by DONTNOD, correct me if I’m wrong who was fired by Deck Nine after they bought the Life is Strange name— Double Exposure was produced by Deck Nine (sadly) which was shown in the way the game/ characters were presented and produced. What I am the most mad about is how I feel like Deck Nine didn’t try with Double Exposure and only rode off Life is Strange and the nostalgia that comes with it along with Max Caulfield’s name. What I think is the worst joke of all is Chloe: the mischaracterisation, demonisation or just all together the lack of her character. Yes, I get that they may break up, but after everything they’ve been through? Also, the only reason they ‘broke up’ was because Deck Nine hated Chloe because she and Max were a more popular ship in LiS and they treasure Chloe and Rachel because they originate from their game (Before the Storm, which Deck Nine not DONTNOD produced) and are just salty that DONTNOD was praised for one of the best wlw ships in show and game history (my opinion!!) and didn’t want to bring either of her 2 voice actors back to voice her..

Sorry, now this is the last!! What I’ve noticed about Double Exposure the most are the many similarities between the characters, for example: Chloe and Safi. Safi resembles Chloe in many ways such as— her personality, her want for revenge and yet her want to sacrifice herself so that the others she has hurt can live and survive the storm that in theory was caused by her: Safi causes the storm after she spirals out of control of her powers and Chloe (indirectly) causes the storm after Max saves her from getting shot in the bathroom from Nathan Prescott.

Maya, Safi and Max remind me so heavily of Rachel, Chloe and Max— Max is trying so hard to save Safi/ Chloe and trying to prevent their deaths while they’re still stuck on their dead or missing ex-girlfriend/ friend who is no longer in the picture but is always still talked about by them and many others (Rachel and Maya are constantly haunting the narrative).

Vinh and Nathan, there are so many noticeable similarities between the two— the only difference being their financial status and their mental state. Their personalities, how they act, how Vinh made a false statement after Maya died about her mental health and how Nathan ended up overdosing Rachel on accident. Both try to prove themselves, to show that they aren’t their parents and they’re more than just who their parents think they’ll turn out to be. For example: Nathan, accidentally overdoses Rachel (who was his friend, or trusted him enough to take drugs with him) in an attempt to prove himself to Mark Jefferson— and Vinh makes a false statement about Maya’s mental health (who he was supposedly friends with), and was talked about to of ‘followed them around like a puppy’ (the ‘them’ being Safi and Maya). So he can prove himself to Yasmin (Safi’s mother) and have a stable job because he knows that he won’t make it far as an actor and wants a stable fallback plan so he won’t end up working at his parent’s liquor store.

Amanda and Warren, at first I thought of how Amanda reminds me of Chloe but then I realised she is more like Warren in a way, crushing on Max— and even after getting friend-zoned they both still wanted to be close to Max. One of the only differences is that Warren was in love with Max and Amanda was in love with Gwen (I’m pretty sure?), also another difference is Amanda’s personality is more of a mixture of Chloe’s punk-ness and Warren’s sweetness.

I think (for now) the final similarity between the games I have noticed is how the ending of Double Exposure is not original at all. I mean, Double Exposure is an exact carbon copy of the first Life is Strange game— yes I know Double Exposure is a sequel to the first game but that isn’t an excuse for it to be the same game just a different confusing plot, even the characters and the ending were unoriginal. It’s disappointing how this game is so expensive just for the characters and ending to be almost the same as the first game. I mean come on, you have to choose between the town being destroyed and not killing your best friend who you tried so hard to not let end up dying just for you to have to choose— sound familiar? Yeah, it’s the same ending as LiS: You have to choose between the town, rewinding time through a photo to when Nathan shot Chloe and not rewinding time so that you don’t cause the storm trying to save her from that moment on— or choose Chloe and let the town get destroyed because you vowed to never leave her, after (clearly) falling in love with her as you play as Max. Even the way Max goes back in DE to the moment before she shoots Safi is the same as she used to go back before you Max uses her powers to save Chloe. A photo, be more original?

I can’t believe they are so salty towards a fictional character (Chloe) that they would try and replace her with another character (Safi) who severely lacks the emotional depth and writing that Chloe has. Even replicating the ‘Bae or Bay’ ending with Max and Safi? They’re trying so hard to replace Chloe just because they don’t like her but I know that they can’t undo 9 full years of falling in love with Max and Chloe (pricefield), by just remaking the ending with Safi and Max and trying to push their ship on using just so their game can qualify as LGBTQ+ so they can make more money.

In conclusion, wait until it’s on sale at least to waste your money on this game— not only did they make us wait almost an entire decade for a pricefield or After the Storm (Basically a game that included pricefield and what happened after the storm) related game sequel but they piggybacked off LiS and Max Caulfield’s names to squeeze the last drops of money out of a project (started by DONTNOD) that was supposed to share their art style and their story without using it for money, as far as I’m concerned Double Exposure is not canon due to the fact it’s an obvious cash grab with multiple bugs and glitches that show that the game was rushed. I mean, there are multiple reports of layoffs a week before the game is released and how rushed it is.

I don’t think Double Exposure could ever compare to LiS I mean seriously after I’d finished Life is Strange , I sat there sobbing for like a whole hour I mean I was just shocked because just— wow. I think Life is Strange was the first game (or even thing) to make me feel like a different person— like it had changed me in some inexplicable way and all I knew was and now is that I love Life is Strange and nothing will ever change that. Whereas Double Exposure I just finished it and went: ‘meh, I’m just gonna watch some YouTube’— also like Before the Storm (also produced by Deck Nine) I finished the game and was just bored, in absolutely no way did it have the same effect on me that the first Life is Strange game did.

[callsign-mayhem]

hold me tight or don’t

Pairing: Bradley ‘Rooster’ Bradshaw x Reader Word count: 1.1k CW: Mentions of depressive episodes

After a horrible week you are feeling low, bordering on depressed. Not wanting to worry your boyfriend you try to hide it but, as always, he sees right through you.

Use of Y/N but no description of reader

To say that you’d had a rough week would have been putting it lightly. It had gotten progressively worse with each passing day, with one thing after another going wrong and causing you strife. By the time you left work on Friday evening, you were emotionally and physically drained and crying behind the wheel of your car as you drove home. Ordinarily, you loved your job. You were in a good position at the company and publishing had always been your dream, but as with all jobs, it had its moments. 

This week just so happened to be one long moment. 

When you pulled onto your driveway it was empty meaning that Bradley was still stuck at work. As much as you needed your boyfriend more than ever in that moment you also knew that he was dealing with a lot at work and the last thing you wanted to do was give him something else to stress about. The part of your brain that always worked against you was telling you to go inside, take a bath and calm down so that when he got home it would be like you were never upset in the first place, but the rational part was telling you to stop being so silly. Because this was Bradley Bradshaw who loved you like the moon loves the stars, so of course he would want to be there for you when you were feeling low. 

But you were coded to deal with things by yourself - to not burden anyone with your problems - so you went inside and started running your bath. 

By the time Bradley got home it was past eight and you were cooking dinner. Since the weather was terrible you’d decided to make homemade soup, one of the dishes Carole had taught you to make before she had passed.

Your boyfriend came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his head on your shoulder so he could see what you were cooking.

‘I thought it smelled like home,’ he said, and you could hear the smile in his voice, ‘I love it when you make this.’

You’d been sullen before he walked through the door, but this warmed your heart, ‘I know. Thought some comfort food would do us good.’

He hummed in agreement and peppered the side of your face with kisses, drawing a giggle from you, ‘How was your day, sweetheart?’

You put the lid on the pot so the soup could simmer and turned around so you were face-to-face with Bradley. You’d reached a crossroads; it was either tell him the truth or see how well you could fake being okay and pretending to be okay when you felt like you were crumbling on the inside was a dangerous game to play. Nine times out of ten it exhausted you to the point where you ended up breaking down anyway, and then Bradley would get upset that you didn’t just tell him the truth in the first place. 

‘Was that a hard one?’ he asked bemusedly. 

‘Sorry,’ you said, unable to meet his eye.

‘What’s going on? Did something happen?’

‘No, nothing happened,’ you sighed, busying yourself with the kettle and mugs so you didn’t have to look at him, ‘you want some tea?’

As always, he saw straight through you, ‘Well now I know you’re lying. Talk to me, baby. What’s up?’

‘It’s been a long week,’ you told him, ‘and I just want to sleep for a thousand years and never leave the house again.’

He took the box of tea bags from you and replaced it with his own hand, leading you through to the living room and sitting you on the couch. He was searching your face for the details you weren’t telling him, looking at you almost pleadingly. 

‘Is it going to be a bad one?’ 

He was referring to your episodes. You’d been dealing with them since you were a teenager and they weren’t getting any easier the older you got, but at least now you knew the warning signs and better ways of coping with it. You’d only ever been to the doctor about it twice, and both times they told you that nothing was wrong with you, but you knew that your emotional responses to things were far from normal. Since meeting Bradley your episodes were few and far between, but when they did happen they were still awful. You honestly didn’t know how you ever got through them without him. 

‘I don’t know,’ you replied, eyes welling with tears, ‘I think if I didn’t have two days off and I had to go to work tomorrow, it would have gotten worse.’

He pulled you into his lap, cradling you like a small child. The first time he’d done this it had been almost demeaning, but now that you were totally comfortable with him it just made you feel safe. 

‘We’ve got the whole weekend to turn this around,’ he assured you, ‘and if you still aren’t feeling a hundred per cent on Monday you can call in sick. One day one hurt. And if this storm carries on the way it’s supposed to, I won’t even be able to fly Monday.’

‘You don’t need to miss work for me, Bradley.’

‘We have this fight every time, Y/N. It’s not that I need to, it’s that I want to. It’s what you do for the people you love,’ he was rubbing circles into your back and you were in danger of falling asleep, ‘but we’ll make sure it doesn’t come to that. We’ll do nothing but self-care all weekend and then we’ll have you back to normal again in no time.’

You pressed a kiss to his lips, overwhelmed by the honesty of his words. It didn’t matter how many times he helped you through your sad days, it still never failed to astound you how much he cared for you. You’d learned not to thank him because it rubbed him the wrong way; he didn’t see it as a favour and he wasn’t doing it for appreciation, it was - as he’d said - what you did for your loved ones. Growing up you hadn’t really experienced that kind of love, and you were still getting used to it. Before Bradley, you’d had no idea there was such a thing as love with no limits. 

‘I’m gonna go shower and finish dinner,’ he said, ‘your only job is to pick a movie.’

‘But-’

He silenced you with another kiss, ‘No buts. Pick a movie.’

‘Can we watch Harry Potter again?’

‘We can watch whatever you want, honey.’

You swallowed another thank you, opting for an ‘I love you’ instead, which was basically the same thing. His existence alone was enough to put you at ease, but at the thought of spending the whole weekend in his arms with no work to get you down and nothing but love as far as the eye could see, you couldn’t help but feel better. 

And when he smiled at you, you didn’t have to fake the one you gave him in return. 

[nerdlydelicious]

Theory time!

First a quick introduction of myself, as this is the first time I’ve made a post about Dragon Age: I’ve been playing DA for years and have beat all three previous games multiple times.

My canon characters in each previous game have all been Warriors, because I find the idea of the big heroes saving the world being strong, good natured himbos who solve the world’s problems by punching those problems in the face until they go away to be both remarkably funny and cathartic. My Rook is likewise almost certainly going to be a warrior as well.

Also I am by no means an expert on Dragon Age lore. I know a good bit, but I may have some incorrect info in this theory, or it may already be a well known theory already.

Introductions aside, onto the theory!

So, there are nine elven gods. Elgar’nan, Falon’Din, Dirthamen, Andruil, Sylaise, June, Ghilan’nain, Mythal, and of course Fen’Harel.

When Fen’Harel (Solas) created the Veil and severed the Fade from the physical world, he trapped seven of the elven gods in the Fade, sealing them away. Only himself and Mythal (who I believe was dead by this time) remained in the physical world. At least that’s the case as I understand it.

Fast forward a few centuries or millennia and humans arrive on Thedas. And in the lands that would become the Tevinter Imperium, humans start displaying magical abilities after entities they know as the ‘Old Gods’ start whispering to them from within the Fade.

And there are seven Old Gods. Dumat, Zazikel, Toth, Andoral, Urthemiel, Razikale, and Lusacan.

The Old Gods blessed Tevinter mages with magic and eventually seven magisters, each high priests of one of the old gods, breached the Veil and physically entered the Fade, and the Golden City.

And we all know what happened next. The magisters brought the Blight with them back into the physical world and started the first blight by unleashing Dumat, now the first Arch Demon, from his underground prison.

My theory is this: the Old Gods and the seven Elven Gods sealed away by Solas are one and the same. They reached out to humanity from their prison, the Golden City, and manipulated them over the centuries until they were ready to perform the ritual to breach the Veil.

Now, maybe that plan didn’t work out exactly how the elven gods wanted. Maybe they were supposed to completely tear down the veil. Or maybe they just wanted the Magisters to be tainted with the blight and bring it back into the physical world with them.

We know that a Blight begins when the Dark Spawn unearth an Old God and infect it, turning it into an Arch Demon, which seems to throw a wrench in this theory. After all, if the Old Gods are physically trapped underground then they can’t also be stuck in the Fade at the same time.

To which I say: the Old Gods’ prisons may be underground, but that doesn’t mean the Old Gods themselves are there too.

More to the point, it may only be the entrance to the Old Gods’ prisons that are underground.

In Trespasser the Inquisitor and his team pass through multiple Eluvians as they work to stop both the Qunari and Solas from enacting their plans. These Eluvians take them into the Fade multiple times, as well as deep underground into unexplored sections of the deep roads that bear both elven and dwarven architecture (been awhile since I played DAI so forgive me if I get some details wrong). So we know that Eluvians can lead into the Fade, and there are Eluvians that connect deep underground.

Essentially, I think the Darkspawn are not finding the Old/Elven Gods underground, but rather Eluvians that lead to their prisons. The Darkspawn somehow activate these Eluvians (I would guess the blighted magisters unlock them), unleashing that Elven God on the world once again.

All that being said, I will admit this doesn’t explain why the arch demons are all dragons. Maybe the elven gods choose to take on the form of dragons to better spread destruction. Or perhaps the old gods (which are noted to definitely be dragons) are actually separate entities sealed underground that the elven gods somehow possess when freed.

Either way, I am convinced that the Elven Gods are connected to the Blight and are responsible for its existence.

And this is backed up by the gameplay reveal we got earlier this week. In Dragon Age Origins, either our Warden or a Warden in the party kills the fifth Arch Demon and ends the fifth Blight.

And at the very end of the showcase, when Rook disrupts Solas’s ritual, we see two figures, one of whom has clearly elven features, climbing from the rift that Solas cut.

Two figures. Two of the seven Elven Gods that were sealed away.

There are only two Old Gods/Arch Demons left. All the others are dead.

If I am right, then we would not just be looking at the possibility of another Blight, but the Blight. The last and biggest of the Blights, with two Arch Demons at its head.

And on top of that, we’ve got another hole cut into the Veil and demons pouring into the physical world thanks to Solas. Two separate world ending level threats, happening at the same time.

But what do you think? Did I miss something, or get something wrong? Like I said, I’m not the most knowledgeable when it comes to DA lore, so if I did get something wrong feel free to let me know.

But tl;dr: BLIGHT TIMES TWO, ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

[elkkiel]

“shy” anon,

im gonna play a little bit of catch up here, cause theres some things i missed in previous messages. either the tags or in the replies under them lol

i would love if you drew something for me *flustered noises* your kitty art is my favourite. if youre curious or if it will help, iv is so heart eyes.

ill have to take the time to write out the blondie recipe for you, and ill get back to you with it. ill make sure to include some secrets and tricks in it ;)

as for my project, it is an original work. i cant give you any details about plot. but its a part of a very large series that im working on, like 12 part series (<- that is something i havent told anyone on here, so youre special for getting to hear about it).

weve interacted…id say a semi-decent amount, but id say we’re only acquaintances at most. you definitely know who i am though lol. its fine that you dont want to figure it out, makes it more fun >:)

FINALLY

KITTY. CUTE KITTY. HELLO BEANS *frantically waves* YOURE PRECIOUS. I MUST BOOP. she has such a :3 face. i want to squish her so bad. *cute agression noises*

the weather here has been…idk, alright i guess. we only have a few inches of snow here, but the temps are supposed to drop like -20 something in the next couple days and im NOT looking forward to it. i am so not a cold weather person.

eeooguh texture…its the thing that can ruin super tasty food so quickly.

i dont have any pets at the moment, but ive had lots growing up. dogs, cats, horses, even chickens at one point when i was really young. a pet that i want to get is a Maine Coon.

aside from sleep token, what kind of other music do you listen to? i dont remember seeing you talk about other bands/musicians on here before. second question, if youve gone to any, what was your favourite concert youve been to?

oh goodness, we've got quite the conversation going now, huh? definitely not complaining, though :3

I certainly do feel special getting those ✨exclusive details✨ hehe ^//w//^ that's such a big project wow!!!! have you made any headway on writing it yet, or are you still in the planning phase? how long do you think the finished series is gonna be, like are they short stories or multichapter stories? good on you for committing to something that big lol, I'm a little intimidated just thinking about it

oh, so we ARE a bit more familiar with each other then... well isn't that fun for you? since we've interacted before, and will almost definitely interact (off anon) again. I'll admit that I love me a little game of cat and mouse, especially when only one of us knows who we're playing with *//w//*

chickens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there's a backyard hens program in my city and that seems like so much fun!!!!!!!! and a Maine coon would be so so nice 🩷🩷🩷 a big fluffy friend 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

okay!! q&a time!!

I listen to a bit of everything, but I definitely hit metalcore/djent the hardest—it scratches my brain really nicely lol. For the same reason, I like a lot of electronic music too (I'm in a weird, on-and-off drum and bass phase right now) and more experimental alt pop.

bands/artists I like: thrice (beggars album and earlier), spiritbox, jinjer, alpha wolf, thrown, electric callboy, vukovi, ice nine kills, poppy (her heavier stuff), polyphia, mothica, nothing but thieves, etc etc lol. Sorry for the grocery list of names :P

and I've never actually been to a concert before! I'm seeing killswitch engage in Calgary next year, so that'll be my first one!

again, I'll hit you with an uno reverse and pass the question back to you :3 what's your taste in music look like? you're already into sleep token, so I'm sure it's *chef kiss* lol

[myfavouritelunatic]

The Blacksmith

I’m still simply overwhelmed and beyond grateful to all of you in regards to this story of mine! I love you guys! ❤️

I’m so excited for you all to read this next chapter, I’m so happy with how it came together! Enjoy!

Pairing: Halbrand/Sauron x Reader

Word Count: 3.1k (my longest chapter yet! Yay!)

Warnings: None

Links to Chapter One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, and Sixteen!

Chapter Seventeen

You had never felt so conflicted in all your life, and it was a torment most cruel. Was your love for Sauron worth all of this anguish? You had longed for a husband, a partner, a lover to be by your side forever. The only beings you had shared affections or affairs with had always departed too soon. They had always been the wrong fit for you, especially in the eyes of your father.

  Your father...

You were still reeling from the sight Sauron had shown you. The death of the man who gave you life. Now both your parents were gone from this world. Suddenly your mind crossed to your brothers. You did not get the chance to bid farewell to them, in fact, you hadn't seen any of them since before that fateful night in the smithy. In your head you pictured their reaction to your father's demise. Similar to you, they had loathed him, but they would not wish him to suffer a fate so grotesque and vile. You saw their faces in your mind, grief stricken, confused, catatonic even. Wondering where you were, thinking maybe you were dead also. Then you imagined the funeral. Who would have attended? Your father’s companions had strayed in his final years, and you feared only his barkeep friend would be present, and his sons, your brothers. Lying in state, his cold body embalmed, he would remain for eternity now entombed next to your mother.

Your mother...

What power did her spirit possess? To be able to enter your dreams from the next life and fight against your love for your soul? Sauron could be deceiving you of course, letting you feel some hope, playing games with your mind. Though something in the way he spoke of her suggested this was not the case. His statement had felt genuine, almost impressed with your mother's ability to interfere with his plans. It was then that for the first time in your existence you did not fear death. For when it came, it would be a warm and familiar embrace with the scent of lairelossë filling the air that surrounded your soul.

With these thoughts of your parents, you had ceased your quickened pace away from the dark lord that now haunted you. However, you did not stop moving, the sound of twigs and leaves breaking underneath your feet as you went on. Night time fell quicker than anticipated, the passing of time catching up with you, and your exhaustion demanded you rest. Laying upon the earth, you stared up at the stars between the trees overhead. Thinking back to the last time you had done this, on the ship, right before your first confrontation with your love.

Your love...

You knew he was your destiny, there was no way around it. Your feelings for him were too strong, so much so that the thought of not being with him... you couldn't help but feel how excruciatingly you would suffer without him. Halbrand, Sauron, whichever name he chose did not change these facts. If your confliction had assured you of one thing it was this: that you loved him in spite of the darkness in your heart, not because of it. The image of his smile entered your consciousness, and you recognised the familiar sensation of butterflies stirring within. It was such a beautiful, warm, and loving smile. The longer your mind lingered on the image however, it began to distort. Shifting from the compassionate smirk, to the seductive one, to the malevolent grin of Sauron himself.

  You tried to open your eyes to rid yourself of it, but he wouldn't let you. Breathing heavily, you attempted in vain with your fingers to pry your eyelids apart. The evil smile then morphed back into the kind one you had first seen on Númenor, and he spoke to you. "My love... please come back to me... I cannot face this without you... you need me... we must face our darkness together... or we would give into it." Was this a vision or a memory? You could not say, and that aching in your skull returned once again, now amplified by your endless confusion.

Sauron released you then, having sensed your pain it seems, for the next thing you heard on the wind, was his voice sounding your name. He had found you. "I don't know why I ran. There is no escaping you." you admitted, turning to face him. "We are bound. Our love is unbreakable." He paused, and then let out a sigh before continuing, his eyes fixed sharply on you. "I love you. Do you understand what that means?" Sauron's tone was vehement, but also laced with a kind of disbelief at his own words. However, you only looked at him with contempt. He continued, "I have existed before there was sound to be heard by any ears. And in my ages of living upon this world... I have never, ever, been so affected by another being. My very nature called into question. I was on a path seeking redemption, and the only reason I am still considering that atonement, is because of you." He spoke your name calmly, his tone apologetic. "I did not want to deceive you. You are the last being on this earth that I would hurt willingly. And I am sorry for that more than I can say, I only pray you can forgive me."

Sauron's words were having quite the influence, and not of the manipulative kind. You considered the meaning to which he referred, the substantial weight of his love for you, and just how profound it truly was. This made you feel lighter than air, but also timely reminded you that you in fact have power over him. A being such as Sauron could have anyone he wanted, no matter the race or the gender. But he had chosen you. A smile would have broken out on your face if you hadn't caught yourself. The enragement you felt had not yet subsided.

  "Tell me more." you finally spoke, your icy tone not betraying your joy to him. "I sense you are struggling more than I. You have shared intentions of seeking redemption, yet you have seeded these nightmares in my mind where we rule with evil over Middle-earth. I'm not certain if you are warring with yourself or... someone else entirely."

Sauron began to wander slowly towards you, shortening the gap between where you both stood. Remaining in place, you were defiant of the fears you had, and felt them fading with each step he took. The confidence you held in your now realised power over him was exhilarating and was keeping you from fleeing once more. You had hoped you would never flee again.

"There was a time, long ago, when I served a master. He changed everything for me. Under him, my power was great. But it came at a cost. For I was never truly free. It wasn't until he was defeated that I felt the emancipation I had so desperately craved. I could breathe again. But with that breath, the guilt of my atrocities poured into me like a great wave. I knew if I wanted to craft my own vision for this world, make it real, I had to heal first. I had to atone. But it seems that... the terrible fiend Morgoth forged me to be... will always be here.

"The darkness in you... I saw it immediately. When you came to me that first night, asking for your fathers tools to be mended. It radiated from your very soul like a beacon. I recognised my own struggle within yourself." You thought about what he was saying, casting your mind back to your life before Halbrand. Before Sauron. Everything changed for you when your mother died. However, you had only ever considered it being the catalyst for your father's decent into barbarousness. Was it the beginning for you as well? Or had it been there all along brimming beneath the surface?

"How did you sense what I could not?" Sauron smiled. "If you would allow me, I can show you." You were pleased he was asking permission to enter your mind this time. "Okay." "Are you ready to see yourself? The way I see you?" "Just do it."

Sauron laughed, and his face was the last thing you saw before your vision faded. The first thing you felt was his hand in yours. Opening your eyes, you recognised immediately where you were. Home. The two of you were invisible spectres, watching the past play out before you. There you were, a child of barely three years, running amuck in your mother's kitchen. Your heart skipped a beat as you saw her standing there, watching you make your mischief. You couldn't help but try to move towards her but Sauron held you back. "I'm sorry, but she is not why we are here."

It was then your father walked in, scooping you up high, resting your tiny self on his shoulders. You smiled at the sound of your childlike giggle, suddenly remembering a time when your father had been your everything. "C'mon, little one, you ready to go?” "Yes, Daddy!" you mumbled innocently.

Watching as he took steps out the door, ducking so your young self would not be injured on the frame, it was then that Sauron entreated you to follow. The dark lord lead you behind you and your father, stalking them for a mile or two until the destination was reached. Down a narrow alley way, there was a large wooden door that appeared to be locked quite excessively. From the distance behind, you heard nine knocks upon it from your fathers hand. The door was then ajar slightly, enough for it to be opened fully to pass through. Once inside, and the door now closed behind, you were in a hallway bathed in amber light from the torches that lined its walls.

Not a word was spoken, not even by your child self, who must have understood something that you do not remember. In fact, none of this was familiar to you at all. But you trusted it was real because you were starting to trust Sauron. Eventually the corridor gave way to a tavern like room, filled with aging wooden tables and chairs. There were a few men scattered across the scene, none looking too pleased. Their expressions changed however when they saw you and your father. Having been placed down on the floor, you ran across to a man similar in age to your father, who wore a cap that skewed slightly to one side, atop greying thin hair that stopped at his jawline. "Waldreg!" you cried out happily as he picked you up and sat you on his knee.

Your father greeted him kindly with a handshake. "I wasn't expecting to see you here, old friend!" "I came for her!" he laughed, giving you a quick tickle, bringing that giggle out again. "Just here for a short stay I'm afraid. Heading back to Middle-earth tomorrow." "Did you find it?" asked your father, eager for the answer. "No. But I have an idea where to look." Your father sighed in frustration. "We shall be dead before it reveals itself to us!" "At least you're Númenórean! You'll be able to keep searching after I'm nothing but bones." "But I'll be in the dirt right behind you... blasted elves. I'm glad they don't come here no more. Flaunting their never ending existences over us. Thinking they're superior." "But Morgoth is superior to them, and that's why he has our allegiance." countered Waldreg. "I know. And if we want to assure the return of his beautiful servant, then we must find what we seek!" exclaimed your father, sounding more determined than you had ever heard. "You'll find it, Daddy. S'okay." reassured your child self, her innocent voice providing a stark contrast. But it was the next words from her mouth, that truly stunned you. "Hail Morgoff!" her inability to properly articulate the name of darkness incarnate caused the men to bellow with laughter. It was then you felt Sauron's eyes upon you, and you turned your head, showing him the disbelief on your face. "Come. There is more to see."

Sauron lead you out of the room, back the way you had come, the howling of the men tinged with malice as it echoed off the stone walls. Suddenly all of the flames in the hallway were extinguished. The light from the now open door ahead was blinding. Moving through it, you found yourself engulfed by the sun, and as your eyes adjusted, a new location was presented to you. Pelargir. Sauron lead you through the streets in silence as you took in your surroundings. Things began to look familiar to you now, as you were much older when last you were here.

When last you were here. It was when your mother died.

And as if on command by your thoughts, she appeared before you, holding the hand of your twelve year old self, whilst her free hand rubbed her heavily pregnant belly. "I've got to tell her something... warn her... somehow." "I told you, she is not why we are here. I know how painful it-" "Do you?" you spat at him, your grief coming back to you, returning just as the day she left was now replaying itself before your eyes. The dark lord seemed pained, remorseful, yet he held firm in his resolve. "You cannot change what has already come to pass, my love." "You better be getting to a point, my love." you mimicked him in frustration. "This is becoming cruel."

  Sauron said nothing further, only pointed with a small turn of his head in the direction of what he needed you to see. Your father rounded the corner then, walking side by side with your two older brothers and another man you now knew to be Waldreg. You couldn't hear the words they were speaking from this distance, so you took steps towards them, Sauron letting you lead this time. "In here." said Waldreg suddenly. "Alright boys, catch up with your mother now." ordered your father, then he called out to his wife, "I'll see you later!" and with a wave of his hand, disappeared into the building Waldreg had motioned to. It was an apothecary, a modest one, with only the basics for treating and curing ailments the locals might incur. Armenelos had many of these, and much bigger in size, that had allowed your mother to become a fairly good healer.

The two men gave a quick nod to the attendant before heading out the back into storage. As soon as the door was shut, Waldreg practically pounced on your father. "Let me see it, let me see it! It's not real if I don't see it!" "Alright, alright, give me a moment here!" retorted your father, as he began to rummage through his sack. "I can't believe I'm holding it." he spoke with reverence, a kind of awe washing over him. Slowly, he raised a bundle wrapped in brown cloth up and out of the bag. Setting it down on a bench next to where they stood, he carefully revealed to Waldreg what was contained within. It was a hilt, severed from its sword, rendering it of no value, though the way their eyes were hypnotised staring at it... it was if they had found the silmarils themselves.

  The hilt was rather peculiar, and you found yourself unable to remove your eyes from it. Its metal was aged, for there were hints of rust, and three long shards twisted around it at the top like grasping claws. On the end of it was what resembled a crown of thorns, which looked eerily familiar. What remained of the sword itself was onyx in colour, and you could make out what looked like a sigil engraved into it. Three jagged lines, looking almost like the top of a trident, and they were all different lengths. The two on the outside curved inward, one more sharply than the other. Then upon the middle line was a point, almost like an animals fang, that was in the dead centre of the mark. A certain feeling began to stir within you the longer you looked at it. It was power.

"We are really looking at something of Morgoth's own forging..." your father uttered, completely overcome. "It's finally ours... we found it!" "I found it." your father corrected. "That's not what matters... what matters now is, we will be ready when the time comes." "Yes, my old friend. We will. I just hope we live to see Sauron's return." Unexpectedly, one of your brothers crashed into the apothecary, hysterical. "Father! Come quick, come quick!" Quickly covering the hilt before your brothers eyes took notice, he responded, "What's the matter, boy?" "It’s mother! Something's wrong!" With that, the three males hurriedly exited the premises, and you stood there like a statue, a living epitaph of your mother's grave. Sauron took your hand again then, only this time he gave it a caring squeeze, stroking your skin with his thumb. Before any tears could fall, Pelargir disappeared into memory, and then events more recent came to the fore. You were with Waldreg again, and Waldreg alone. The two of you watched on as he wandered steadily over fallen stone and wood to reach what almost looked like an alter that was at the foot of a wall covered in overgrowth. It was then you noticed the hilt in his hand.

  Waldreg stood over the alter, and raised up the arm that held the hilt. He let that crown of thorns pierce his flesh, but he did not wince at the pain he surely felt. The blood that left him slid its way up his arm past his wrist, and into the metal itself. The hilt began to spark, and a sword of flame grew out from it, forging not a weapon, but a key that he then thrusted into the alter. A key Waldreg used to unlock devastation. For as he turned it in the stone, a chain reaction was unleashed, and the ground beneath you shook, breaking the dam nearby. You wandered over to the edge of the cliff face, and watched as an unfathomable amount of water cascaded down to the ground below. It rushed on and on until it was out of sight.

"This was Morgoth's plan. My plan." spoke Sauron. "But by the time it was enacted... I had hoped it for it not to be." "What plan do you speak of?" "To create a world of shadow." Your eyes went wide, and you felt a tremendous vibration that rose up from the earth below, threatening to break the stone beneath your feet. Looking out over the valley below, your eyes found the horizon, and sure enough, there it was. Orodruin, the mountain, had erupted. This was how it happened. Your father had played a part in the destruction of the Southlands.

Tagging: @starlady66 @denzit @chimeracuddles @restless-tides @hikarielizabethbloom @anemarie @coraleethroughthelookingglass @mordorgp

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Kiko’s Original work: meet some characters

Hiiiiii, I’m in a mood to think about my original work 😅 So, I decided to do a lil post talking about some of the characters! (This story is still very much a WIP, but I do hope to publish it someday.)

I would love your thoughts and feedback!! And I would also love to answer any questions you have 😊

Aeran

Aeran is an element user, specifically an Ice User. Meaning he can control manipulate and, on a small level, manifest ice. He was born and raised in the Heims region, which is known for its almost year-long winter. As an Ice User, his natural body temperature is slightly below the average human, meaning he’s almost always cold.

We first meet Aeran in the prologue of the story, when he is five years old. The story then jumps to “present” day, almost twenty years later, when he is twenty four.

Aeran is someone who grew up believing in the myths and legends he heard, knowing they had to be real because he was. Not to mention that he met a living legend alone on the street as a child, which he knows was real because it left him with a scarf that is perpetually warm and never loses the scent of wildflowers. Something he somehow knows even though he’s never seen the flowers associated with the smell. (Spoiler: the scarf is enchanted.)

Aeran is also one of our narrators.

I mentioned in a recent post about narrators that Aeran is a bit of an unreliable narrator. The reason for this is that he doesn’t know the details. He’s learning a lot of new information and struggling to keep up, especially since this information is contradicting what he’s believed most of his life.

He has a crush on Aleva.

-

“We know the Ejdirla is here!” The ghulruh’s voice echoed off the surrounding buildings once again, forcing Aeran back into the present. “Where is the Ejdirla Kan?”

Furrowing his brow as the ghulruh spoke, he couldn’t hide his confusion. He’d never heard Dragon Breaths called that before. The legends never called them that.

In his distraction, Aeran hadn’t realized the ghulruh was moving towards him again, bringing the spear head down and shattering his shield easily.

-

Aleva

Aleva is an Ejdirla Kan, a descendent of a human who was blessed with the breath of the dragons during the Great War. As an Ejdirla Kan, she houses the soul of the dragon who swore an oath with her grandfather. She was born in the region of Canavarların Yenı, the birthplace of the ancient dragons.

She is the first and last of her kind. The first Ejdirla Kan born, the last alive.

We first meet Aleva in the prologue, when she is on her way to meet with an unspecified individual, and she meets Aeran as a child. Her age is never specified, beyond the fact that she is well over four hundred years old by “present” day.

She is fiercely protective of those she cares about, to the point that she does not value her own life.

She and Pietro are former lovers, and both enjoy the game of chess, which she taught him to play.

-

“It will- control you,” he murmured, the fire in his eyes dimming with each moment that passed. “Don’t let- the anger, don’t let vengeance fuel you. Promise me.”

Staring into her grandfather’s dimming eyes, she felt her head nod, pulling another smile onto his face as he stared up at her. Mixed with her sobs, she heard words falling from her lips, but couldn’t comprehend them. Somewhere between begging him to stay and wanting nothing more than to die with him.

Watching as the fire went out, her scream of pure grief almost drowned out the sound of his fading voice as he spoke his last words.

“Live,” he whispered, his hand going slack. “Live, rühl alev.”

-

Pietro

Pietro is a magic user with an affinity for lightning, and violence. He and his twin sister, Willa, were born in the region of Liniște. They were orphaned at the age of nine when their parents were burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft. While he had natural talent, the need to survive, and his desire for revenge, pushed him to master magics that took most other magic users decades to learn by the time he was eighteen.

We first meet Pietro when he intercepts Aleva and Aeran on their way to the Heims capital. However, he is referenced by Aleva in previous chapters. In “present” day, he is almost three hundred years old.

He enjoys chess because it helps him gather his thoughts. His favorite opponent is Aleva even though most of their games end in a stalemate.

Pietro is the only magic user in history to have successfully channeled Abeyance magic, which he achieved in his quest to resurrect his parents. His attempt ended in failure, and almost cost him his life.

He is in love with Aleva, though he ended their relationship after an argument because he felt she didn’t trust him enough to communicate with him. However, he has remained firm that he will always be there when she needs his help, whether she wants it or not.

-

“I love you, Eva,” he stated firmly. A strange clarity overtook him as he spoke, watching her eyes dim. “But I need you to love me back. I can’t take any more of these vague answers or secrets. I deserve better than that.”

His words caused her to snap her mouth shut, blinking furiously as she clearly tried to force the tears away. He stared down at her, unblinking, as she opened and closed her mouth repeatedly.

He had waited almost two centuries. It was time to accept it.

She would never be able to love him. At least, not the way he loved her.

-

Willa

Willa is a magic user with an affinity for healing. Like her parents, she was sentenced to be burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft when she was eighteen, which drew the attention of Aleva who was passing through the area. She was saved from the brink of death by Aleva, who then burned the entire village to the ground in a mindless rage.

We first meet Willa when she heals Aeran after he is almost killed. As she is Pietro’s twin, she is also almost three hundred years old.

She owns an apothecary shop in the capital of Heims, which she received as a wedding present from her husband, Nedim.

When she settled in Heims with Nedim, she and Pietro helped establish the shuttle system still used today.

-

Dropping the pestle, she turned and glanced into the storage room in search of him.

“Out!” she barked at the blur she knew was her brother. “Get out from behind there!” His answering laugh brought a reluctant smile onto her face even as annoyance bubbled to the surface again. He knew he wasn’t to meddle in her supplies. “Pietro!” she snapped, waving her hand so the few books that had fallen moved back into place.

“I haven’t touched anything!” he called, still not in sight. “You have my word.”

“Your word is worth cacat, you swine!” she spat back, earning another laugh from him. If you break anything, I’ll-

He appeared in front of her again, dropping a book into her hands. The smirk on his face prompted an eye roll and she turned away, muttering under her breath as she flipped through the book absently.

-

[jennyboom21]

As a football fan, it’s not uncommon to see big NFL stars date celebrities. When I was growing up in Pittsburgh, the Steelers’ quarterback Terry Bradshaw dated figure skater JoJo Starbuck. That was such a big deal at the time. For a brief period, they were the "it couple."

Now, that pairing seems so simple.

A few years ago quarterback Russell Wilson, when he was with the Seattle Seahawks, married global singing superstar Ciara. Before their nuptials, it was Tom Brady, who of course married supermodel Gisele Bündchen. Sadly, the two divorced last year. Then, Brady made big headlines in late summer with rumors he was dating another model, Irina Shayk.

That pairing seems so simple now.

This weekend, the Miami Dolphins scored 70 points in their win against the Denver Broncos, whose quarterback is Wilson. Presumably, Wilson was consoled by his famous wife after that embarrassing defeat. The Dolphins had a total offense of 726 yards, just nine yards short of the NFL's all-time record set by the Los Angeles Rams way back in 1951.

During any other weekend, the Dolphins's history-making win would dominate sports news, and spill into general news as well, because wins and yardage like that are unheard of, even in a league where high passing and high-scoring games are the norm.

Also on Sunday night, the plane carrying my beloved Steelers was forced to land in Kansas City, Mo., on their way back from Las Vegas after defeating the Raiders. That, too, would be huge sports news and general news, but alas, the emergency landing in Kansas City wasn't the biggest thing to even happen in that city on Sunday.

Earlier in the day, Taylor Swift appeared in a private box at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City, to watch the Chiefs manhandle the Chicago Bears 41-10. Presumably, Swift wasn’t there as a Chiefs fan or to watch the action. She was there to watch her new beau, the Chiefs's tight-end, Travis Kelce — who scored a touchdown probably just to show off. Images of Swift cheering and screaming for Kelce in that private box with his family almost crashed social media.

Is Swift dating Kelce? Well, who knows, and you might say, who cares? But, a lot of the world cares, to put it bluntly. Starbuck, Ciara, and Gisele pale in comparison to the enormity of Swift. If Swift decided to date a tree, that tree would become a top tourist destination.

It’s called the Swift effect; similar it seems to the Oprah effect. Everything Swift touches turns to gold. Swift walked hand-in-hand with Kelce out of Arrowhead Stadium Sunday after the game, and since then, sales of Kelce’s #87 Chiefs’ jersey have soared over 400 percent, according to TMZ.

This relationship between Swift and Kelce – whatever or however long it is – has also caused the interwebs to almost crash. Young women and young gay men around the world are Googling “Travis Kelce” to find out all they can about Swift’s new hunk of a football player boyfriend – or acquaintance?

Similarly, many of the gay “Swifties” I know were reaching out to me on Sunday about Kelce. They know I’m a football fan, so they had many questions for me; Is Kelce any good Where is he from? Who are the Chiefs? Is he a homophobe?

Kelce is good, in fact, he’s one of the best tight ends in the NFL. Kelce has an older brother, Jason who plays for the Philadelphia Eagles. Their mother Donna has become somewhat of a celebrity herself. During the Super Bowl last year, where Travis’s team the Chiefs beat Jason's team, the Eagles, Donna was all over the place. The ultimate football mother. Happy for one son. Sad for the other. And now? After her picture alongside Swift ran wild over social media and the news on Sunday, Mrs. Kelce is the third biggest and current global superstar, behind Taylor and Travis.

As a side note, and for those who are obsessed with garnering as much knowledge about Kelce as they can get, this year’s Super Bowl win was his second win; the first being in 2020 when Kelce and the Chiefs defeated the San Francisco 49ers.

The Kelce brothers are creating a cottage industry for themselves. They have their own podcast, New Heights with Jason and Travis Kelce, and they have a documentary, Kelce, on Prime Video that is more about Jason, with Travis making frequent appearances. It’s actually pretty good, even if you’re not a football fan. Not to be outdone by his brother, Travis had a reality show on E! called Catching Kelce, that featured 50 women from 50 states in a dating competition. I guess Taylor decided to wait until the dust cleared with that many women pining for Kelce?

There’s no doubt in the world that every Swifty is downloading all the episodes of that The Bachelor riff, so that they can find out how to catch Kelce too, or about how Swift caught Kelce.

Finally, Travis Kelce is anything but a homophobe. Kelce told Outsports at the 2017 Pro Bowl (this is the game that features the NFL’s best players) that he’d support a gay teammate. “Anybody in this world [can play]. I’m comfortable with who I am and I expect everyone to be comfortable with who they are. I respect people for their views and opinions.”

And here’s a story about why you can love Kelce even if you’re not a Swifty or even a Gaylor — which is a subgroup of Swift fans who believe Taylor Swift is actually queer. In July, Bud Light released a commercial starring Kelce. In any other year, that wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, but we all know what happened with Bud Light in April with the Dylan Mulvaney imbroglio, and Bud Light’s inexcusable reaction to the extreme right boycotting the beer.

In the face of that boycott, by angry cisgender straight white men who were shooting cans of Bud Light or pouring them down the drain, Kelce metaphorically flipped them the bird by swigging the beer. And for his bravery and f-you attitude towards the narrow-minded, they retaliated by calling for a boycott of Kelce and by calling him "woke." (How do you boycott a human being, let alone one that is 6’5” and weighs 250 pounds?) Kelce could have cared less about what they thought of him endorsing Bud Light. In fact, he was seen drinking the beer at a golf tournament soon after the ad was released.

This week, Kelce released a video announcing his partnership with Pfizer as part of an educational campaign to remind people to get their flu and COVID-19 vaccine shots, preferably at the same time. In his Instagram video, Kelce says, “With my schedule, saving time is key. The CDC says you can get this season’s updated COVID-19 shot when you get your flu shot if you’re due for both. That’s why I got two shots in one stop! Ask your doctor or pharmacist if it would be right for you. You can also visit CDC’s vaccines.gov to learn more and schedule an appointment.”

As you can imagine, the anti-vaxxers and the extreme right are horrified that Kelce is endorsing the same "phooey" and hawking the same “poisons” that their number one vaxxing nemesis Dr. Fauci championed. For his efforts, Kelce is a champion too.

Finally, Kelce hosted Saturday Night Live earlier this year after winning the Super Bowl, and appeared in a memorable sketch with Bowen Yang as his “Straight Male Friend,” as Yang's character seeks some balance after being the one gay guy in a group of straight women.

While the world tries to dissect Kelce in every imaginable way possible, as they scoop up his jersey in record numbers, we can take some solace in the fact that Kelce will have no problem with queer Swifties or even the Gaylors.

One of my gay Swifty friends asked me what the story is with Travis's hunky brother Jason. I was sorry to tell him that he is happily married to his wife Kylie, and that they have three young daughters who will be the envy of young girls worldwide some day soon, when they get a new Aunt Taylor.

[passingthetime]

Fifteen questions for fifteen mutuals!

Tagged by @parsleyroot thank you very much!

Are you named after anyone?

No. The point of my name is for as few people to also have it as possible. So that there's never the confusing situation when in the same group there's someone with the same name.

Do you have kids?

No, but my boyfriend has, so sometimes I'm "playing mom". Not really though, more like a big sister or aunt, they do have a very good mom already.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Funny thing is yes, but I don't understand it when others do. Also I always go out of my way to make it super obvious. And I have an irrational fear of people thinking I'm sarcastic even when I'm being genuine.

When was the last time you cried?

Like a week ago, just a little. I got a message in the middle of the night that my grandpa passed. I had to force myself to by thinking really hard about the situations I'll miss him from because it's right to cry when a loved one passes. But honestly, I don't think it really sunk in that he's gone, perhaps because I haven't seen him since last Christmas. Maybe next time I visit my grandma it'll hit me...

What’s the first thing you notice about other people?

General style. Like outfit, hair, makeup. I don't really remember faces too well, nor do I notice faces that much.

Eye colour?

Deep blue.

What sports do you/have you played?

I did 9 years of judo when I was a kid, also went to horse riding summer camps, if that counts. Then in high school I did a year of kendo and a year of bouldering. And finally I've just learned to snowboard!

Any special talent?

I'm an organising master, at least as long as I only have to follow my own logic. Also I am a natural at polymer clay. Even though otherwise no sculpting medium is for me.

Where were you born?

Budapest, Hungary

Scary movies or happy endings?

These don't exclude each other, but anyways neither. Scary and happy are too simple emotions in art for me. I would prefer something more complex like unsettling movies, and endings where you can just not quite be sure if it's happy or not.

Do you have any pets?

Back home, yes. But I haven't seen them for almost nine months now.

How tall are you?

168 cm

What are your hobbies?

Drawing, painting, video games, listening to music, but also travel, hiking and partying (if that counts as a hobby)

Favorite subject in school?

It always depended on the teacher. In my final two years it was international literature, before it was physics or art, before that art, before that physics again...

Dream job?

I don't dream of work. But it would be lovely to make a living from art.

I'm also not tagging 15 people, but I tag @burn-on-the-flame, @creaturefeature333 and @taliesin-bell.

[otterspite]

Thinking about grief and adhd, and I realized I hadn't really thought how hard grief is on people with autism. The first loss my son experienced was when he was 9, his paternal grandmother. He never cried, barely showed any emotion, I worried about it, but was just there for him. He says he barely remembers her, maybe thats why.

When he was 7, my brother got into a bad car accident, he ended up having to move in with us so I could help him get back on his feet. He lived with us for nine months before my son and I moved.

Although my brother was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me, he didn't do it to my son or in front of him, in fact they got along quite well on his better days.

When my brother passed, my son hugged me and held my hand, but again didn't cry. I figured that that was just the way he grieved.

It's been almost two years since my brother died. The other day we were playing a game that had kind of get to know you questions. As it was a game marketed for all ages, I wasn't prereading the cards. Then I pulled one that said "I wish ___ was still alive."

This hit me like a freight train, I have no idea how long I sat there, but I held in my tears and just flipped to a new card and stared to read it. My son stopped me and said "I know mom, I miss him too." Then started crying and we hugged for a bit before I said something silly to lighten the mood.

I am no longer worried about my son not understanding what death means, and know that he just grieves in his own way, and that's totally fine with me.

[pluto1020]

everything.

its so weird how i blink and a year has already passed. it's also weird how much my life has changed in the past month. summer came back around and my heart gained the warmth and courage to search for new love. it was so weird how it happened. i don’t even remember it to be real. nah, i do. just don’t feel like explaining. i’ll cherry pick the memories and things i enjoyed most.

i wanna say it was some time in late july or early august when i first heard him speak. i’m not good with timelines. the way he texted didn’t match his voice which didn’t match his face. it was lovely. i bought him a game because i was interested in him. it was a horror game. we played it for some hours. it was awkward at first and there would be quiet moments where my heart would beat a little faster from the fear of not knowing what to say. i remember how bittersweet it was. the conversation somehow transitioned into something deeper and we were eventually talking about school. he was headed to college in a little over a month. i wanted him bad. more than a boys don’t cry magazine. more than the little me wanted a spongebob popsicle on a hot summer day. how many miles i’d run to catch the ice cream truck or capture his heart. i somehow convinced him to stay. it was definitely on his mind all along. from the get-go, it was easy to tell how uncertain he was about moving away from home so early. we talked for nine hours or so until i felt like sleeping. most of that morning was spent outside. i watched the sunrise and took some pretty pictures. i listened as birdsongs filled the air. my ears rang with amusement. “he is the one,” i thought. “he is the one.”

a little time passed. in our first conversation i had asked if he would have been alright with meeting one another. he was a tad bit hesitant at first, which was warranted, but eventually mustered up the courage. he sent me some weird address in lower michigan. i thrive off of unfamiliarity and was excited to see him in front of me. i had my dad drive me because i didn’t have a car. when i arrived, i remember how the world around me almost silenced itself, sacrificing all of its sound to my existence—my heartbeat. it pounded. not with nervousness, no—my brain was confused. it was excitement. i’ve made that mistake since i was little. he opened the door to the one-story home and i saw him. i wish i would have gotten a photo. not even of him—but of the moment in its entirety. i wonder what my face looked like to him. i wonder what he was thinking. did he know as fast as me?

anyway. i remember watching him play risk of rain and his smile. i took photos of it. it was cute. i had no idea what risk of rain was but it sparked my interest. he liked childish gambino and lizzy mcalpine. classic gay boy. we spent that day and the same night in the hot tub and pool. we told each other about tender things that i’d rather not get into for the sake of privacy i somehow blow up one day. but i remember the shiver in his voice when he opened up to me despite being in a hot tub that was hotter than the damp summer air that filled the night sky. stars are crazy things. it’s wild how people used to think those were gods staring back at us. what if they’re right?

the first time i met his parents was on your average monday. they came home from work. actually, nah, my brain is remembering something else. we’ll get into the average monday later. i honestly don’t have much memory of the first time i met his mom. maybe i was too interested in the slight red tint of his long blonde hair or his kid soccer photos that hung on the left side of his fridge instead. the first time i met his dad was the day i took him to a lizzy mcalpine show in detroit. of course i remembered. it was a little overwhelming—i met two of his friends in the same few minutes. one friend, who was driving, was shaped similar to me. he was tall, had medium-length curly brown hair, and a deep voice. he was rather talkative and filled the room with a positive energy. reminds me of someone from my favorite video game. his other friend was shorter. quieter too. he had red hair and almost looked like ian from shameless. he was rad. too bad he was a swiftie though. still love them all to death. anyway, as i sat down in the car, a fairly modern SUV of sorts, his dad walks up the driveway behind us. he was shorter than me. he wore a suit and tie because he worked for a crematory. “what a tough and powerful job to have,” i thought. someone has to do it. i mean you’d think that there’s plumbers out there that have seen some rather unimaginable shit. literally. our interaction with one another was very brief. we waved each other hello and introduced one another. i awkwardly told him i liked his outfit as we climbed into the SUV and we sped away. as we went to the concert, i had that little awkward small talk interaction with his two friends. i’m pretty sure he had known them for most of his life, and meeting them was a big step in our connection. it still makes me nervous. anyway, we arrived and stood in a line for what felt like forever. i’m just being dramatic. it took about two hours or so to get into the venue and i got more familiar with his friends. there were a few more people that i met as well, a girlfriend of the talkative guy and another girl. telling stories without names is difficult. we talked about this big ass spider that we noticed the whole time and cracked a few jokes on each other’s heights. the show was pretty awesome. i had to take a piss but i have trouble doing so in public. pre-show, the bathrooms were flooded with both men and women. and everything in between. idk. it made me nervous so i held it out. we were standing on the floor for about 15 minutes before i couldn’t hold it any longer. while i was in the bathroom, my dumbass was thinking “this show is gonna start while i’m pissing,” and it did. funny thing is, i only memorized the lyrics of one song on her set list and it was the only song i missed. oh well. after the show, i dozed off in the car. the way back from a trip always feels faster than the way there. at least for me. why is that? the way we dozed off was cute. i’m pretty sure we were holding hands at one point. i remember closing my eyes and feeling his warmth as the streetlights passed over us. it was sweet. that night he let me sleep in his bed and he slept on the floor. it was a beautiful gesture. how easily he was willing to give up something he has known his entire life for someone he barely knew. i missed him when i woke up.

i’m pretty sure i stayed for two nights during that visit. we just chilled and watched ghibli movies the second day. dinner was when i got to properly introduce myself to his parents. i don’t remember what we ate. i wanna say we had spaghetti with sugar snap peas. pretty sure there was bread too. it was delicious. i wasn’t really focused on the food though. nah. i was focused on the moment i was in. we were in his kitchen. the chairs and table were wooden. so was the floor. oak i’m pretty sure. they had a love for blue. the walls were painted a nice turquoise. his fridge was pretty cool. cooler than mine. and not the temperature cool. it had filtered water. one time he tried to use the water filter in my fridge and i laughed at him for it. anyway, the tablecloth went down the middle of the table and consisted of sharp reds, some whites, greens, blues, and oranges. it was kinda cool. they were just lines though. i remember the crunch of my teeth everytime i’d get a bite of a sugar snap pea. our conversation was nice. we talked about the basics—how him and i met (which we lied about,) where i was from, and my interests. pretty sure we talked some about them too. that evening we watched the most gorgeous sunset. i took tons of photos of him. his beautiful blonde hair swayed as the wind kissed his cheeks tinting them into a nice rosy pink. the moment, which lasted around 15 minutes, was rather silent. i think i would do anything to go back to it. to do nothing with someone again. with him again. to just exist and allow myself to love. to photograph it all. he leaned over the top floor of his multi-leveled balcony and we just observed. listened as the birds chirped and flew over the corn field that boarded against his yard. it was beautiful. and it felt so perfect because while i was able to capture the moment, i was still immersed in it. i allowed myself to put the phone down and just watched as he lived. with a heart. with a brain. with pretty hands and small fingers. with a nice smile. i can’t describe whatever was happening to me then, but i’m a little afraid that i’ll be chasing it forever.

i will definitely tell this story out of order. like i said, i suck with timelines. this is just a collection of my thoughts. i’m not trying to be too poetic or anything. this serves as a reminder, something to come back to when my brain feels it needs to. people don’t write enough. we’re all so interested in what is happening around us that we can’t live. shit sucks. i’m glad i learned how to early on.

the first time he came to toledo, it was exciting. how nice it was to show someone my room for the first time. posters of my favorite artists adorn the walls and mementos rest upon my shelves while little lamps sit on every object you can find. plants are in little cute spots, too. i always have something to talk about whenever someone sees it for the first time. he was excited as well. it was around a twenty-five minute drive. that day, we fucked really good and hard. like every other time. it was insane. best sex i’ve ever had. after, we watched some invincible and decided to get chick fil a, which wasn’t something he had in his area. it was a treat he got only when he went on vacations. we shared a meal with one another on my couch and went to sleep in the same bed. it was perfect. having him was perfect. his little head rested on my shoulder and we fell asleep soundly. i'm almost unable to describe how nice it is to not have to worry. when he was there, everything--from the daily annoyances that worried me to the past traumas that haunted me--disappeared. he meant everything to me. he was that nice sip of a ice-cold lemonade you take in the dead of summer or the warm weighted blanked you let rest on your skin as you fall asleep in the winter.

there was a time when we were watching ponyo, a ghibli movie, and he fell asleep on me. he laid his entire body on my chest. i cry writing this. i remember being able to hear his heartbeat reach an equilibrium and his little breaths exhale from his body while his weight pressed upon me. i remember scratching his back until he laid still and beginning to fall in and out of consciousness myself. i remember how much i wanted to tell him. i wish i could have. i wish i could have made him feel safer and warmer and more comfortable like he did for me. i wish that he would just come back and tell me i am everything that he needs and to forgive me. i can't sleep at night anymore. not like i did then.

there was a night when i wanted hot chocolate for whatever reason. he tossed the packets of powder on the counter and looked in the fridge for milk to no avail. it was around 11:30 at night, so we decided to look around his city for a gas station that may have been open. it was funny, he ended up driving me around 10 miles just for some milk. a cop followed us half way there and we giggled when he pulled into the gas station after us, as if he was on a similar journey. it was a truck stop called loves. ironic. we walked in, found the milk but got distracted by some candy on the way (this was mainly my doing.) they had discounted prices for multiple king-sized bars and i couldn't let that slide. he had a peanut allergy and i noticed as we walked to the front counter that i had picked a size of reece's that was too large for the discount. he went back to get me a smaller size but picked up a different reese's product. i just laughed because it was the sweetest thing someone had ever done. i imagined myself being in his shoes and looking at the candy and not knowing which to pick up. it was beautiful. we got back to the house and he made me hot chocolate. i remember while the milk was in the microwave, he stood and watched his phone. i never felt like i was on my phone around him unless i was taking his photo to capture such wonderful moments. i'm ashamed that i didn't capture his beauty then, but i was too captivated. i just watched as his chest rose and sank again, while he scrolled through twitter, and prayed that we would stay together forever. i wonder if he would make me a mug of hot chocolate if i asked him now. i wonder if we'll ever love again.

one time we went to the movies. we saw the newest alien film and i was fascinated with how modernized the entire theatre was compared to my hometowns. the seats reclined and were a ton more comfortable than the ones i had known since i was a nascent. i remember so vividly missing half of the movie because i watched as the projector's light reflected against the liquid that sat at the bottom of his eyes. they were just glimmering. i liked watching him blink. there were a few times where he got scared and i had to keep my laugh in. he doesn't know til this day, but, i had a panic attack around half way through. i didn't want to ruin the moment for him. the movie finished and i remember him refilling his slushy and mixing the cherry and blue raspberry flavors after. it was cute. i shed a few tears on the drive home. i couldn't help feeling that he was the most wonderful human i had ever come by, and i am eternally grateful for that.

he had these really gay red soccer shorts that he would commonly wear. he had a white pair, too. they looked great on him. everything did. i was never one to judge but i remember my mom telling me how gay he looked in them. it was silly. i tried them on once. i still don't know if he understands how much those things meant to me. there were days where he smiled in those shorts. there were others that he might have cried. and he let me try them on. for whatever reason. maybe that i don't understand either, but i think it's because he loved me.

he had a dog named archie. first name drop, woo-hoo! i have a weird connection with all animals and they are always very quick to give me love. it's like they have a sixth sense for a damaged soul. but archie always liked me. there would be points where all of us would gather to eat at the table and he would sit at everyone's side waiting for a bite of food to drop. it was cute. archie had a specific chair in the front left room of the home. i'm pretty sure the chair was brown, but archie always liked to bark at passerby's, birds, vehicles, and other dogs. so pretty much everything. it was absolutely adorable. my boy would sometimes get annoyed and yell his name whenever arhice would get too loud, which was also bittersweet. there were a few times where my boy and i decided to take a step outside onto his balcony and archie would always follow along. one time i was petting archie and i somehow found every single spot he enjoyed being pet in. it happened in seconds. i'm pretty good at that. it was funny, his family didn't even know about some of the spots beforehand. every time i entered the door, there was a brief minute-long intermission where archie would get all riled up because someone unfamiliar had come home, but he would always eventually remember me. i wonder if he'd remember me now. i wonder if i'll ever be there again. i wonder if i'll ever see his fur grow to it's full length. i wonder if i'll ever see the big plant that hangs over their couch or the even bigger plant outside that can't stand up straight on windy days. i wonder if he'll ever see what he meant to me.

oh, did i mention his name was parker? i remember my friend lyndsay telling me that she didn't like his name, but i loved it. i loved it because it was pretty and i loved him. he was pretty. i loved saying it. i loved saying it to my mom, my dad, to myself, and to him. i still do. i still repeat his name in my head and all of the memories come flooding in like the last moments of life when the DMT spreads throughout your body and you remember the things that you loved. i love parker.

there were a few gifts that i got him throughout our time together. he loved my neighbor totoro, another ghibli movie that i showed him, and for the marking of our first month together i got him a cat bus plushy. he loved it. alongside that i got him a hot pink "DM does GB" hat because he liked the office. so did i. i don't know if he knows, but i bought two so we could match. we were never able to. after the lizzy show, he showed me a shirt from the tour that he really wanted. when we entered the line, we noticed that the shirt wasn't on display and probably wasn't being sold. he told me that he checked the site often to see if it was restocked. one day i had randomly happened to check and it was available. i don't think me checking was random and i bought it for him. i almost said nothing and delivered it to his house, but i couldn't contain myself and told him within the hour of buying it. i'm pretty sure he adored it. god, i love him. there was a bracelet i let him keep, too. he took it off my wrist once and put it on his. it never left. i wonder where it is now. there was another gift that i gave him, but i'll talk about it later, because it feels too important to put here.

parker had an app on his phone that allowed him to change the colors of his light bulbs to whatever he wanted. one night, he changed the color of the lightbulb that sat in the lamp that rested on his nightstand to red. there was something soothing about it. perhaps it was just the way i felt. as i write this, though, that red light still lingers with me. my keyboard is lit red now. there's a little light i have on top of my computer that adorns a part of my room in red light. i didn't have it set that way before. that same night, i was having trouble sleeping and kept dozing off and coming back. i don't quite remember, but i think there were multiple times where he would climb up in bed with me to put me back to rest. he would scratch my head and tell me he loved me. but one thing he said stood out. i didn't remember it initially, but i do now. i remember how it felt. he told me that he was going to stay with me forever. forever. what a weird concept. i remember imagining us at 50 with cats and kids and a nice home on a quiet farm. i imagined the first time we would move all of the furniture in our new apartment and how good the sleep would be after. i imagined the rain pounding on the porch while we sat and lived together in harmony. if i could go back, i would roll over, look in his eyes, cry, give him a warm hug, and wish to him that he would never leave. i really wish he didn't.

his room was hot. his brother, peyton, had moved out some time before and he was planning to move his belongings into the room which he previously resided in. there were a few times where we explored the things in peyton's room. parker knew how much i loved pokemon cards, because i did, and he handed me a binder filled with cards his brother collected when they were kids. i remember walking into his brother's room. to the left were two wooden shelving systems, each distinct from each other, with mementos and toys of sorts scattered across their surfaces. toward the middle of the room, right under the skylights that lit it, was a big bean bag chair that i sat on while i explored. peyton's old bed was on the right side of the room. i would have loved to sleep there with parker at least once. i wish i could have lived the life where i decorated that room with him.

i remember the first time parker came into my room. there was a blanket that my mom made me. i think it's perfect, because it's always just right. it's never too hot or too cold, because from the way it's crocheted, it has holes that allow cold air to soothe your body. he loved that blanket just as much as me. every time he came over he would be wrapped in it. it's like he knew how much it meant. i still know how the blankets on his bed feel. when i imagine it, i can see myself there all over again, looking up in the morning because i would wake up before parker's alarm that reminded him that his dad went to work and he could climb in bed with me for a while. around that time, archie would come storming into his room and jump on the bed looking for parker, but it was me and he would get confused until he eventually found and laid with parker again. parker had a bunk bed. he never slept on the top bunk, but i'm pretty sure it's because he had clothes and other items on the mattress. on the bottom of the top bunks bedframe, there were stickers that parker placed there when he was a kid. i always made a trailed pattern with my finger because there was a distinct shape that the randomly placed stickers made. i don't know why i remember stuff like this, but it was beautiful. i was sleeping in the place he had for his entire life. and yet i laid awake, just waiting for the moment when i'd hear his voice and feel his arms coat my body. it was in that same bed that i said the words "i love you" to him for the first time. i cried a few minutes earlier because of reasons i won't get into, but essentially for something i was wrong for. he forgave me and i told him i loved him. because i did. it was wonderful. it's like my life became more colorful and i could see clearly again. like i was a kid, just for a moment, staring at what i had become and being so proud for letting my guard down. it was the first time i'd ever done so completely.

he had a friend group dubbed "the eight." i wanted to be the ninth. it caught me off guard the first time i met his friends. he had brought it up earlier in the day but i think i was initially hoping that plans would go awry. not because i didn't want to meet them, but because i was so nervous. these were the people that influenced him and who have known him for so much longer than me. what would they think? how would i know what to say? but i did fine. i eventually warmed up to the idea and we headed to claire's house. claire was with gavin and carter was with cate. dylan was quiet and caleb hadn't known parker was gay. i'm sure he did, but wasn't told until a small time after that night. noah was another friend there, one whom parker was extremely close with, and who was also very sweet. claire's house was gorgeous. though for some reason, michigan has obnoxiously large spiders. considerably larger than ohio's. i'm sure it's because of it's closeness to many bodies of water and whatnot, but we encountered multiple massive spiders that night. meeting his friends turned out to be really nice. a lot of the time that's how things work for me; i overwork my brain by being afraid of things and they turn out harmless. maybe i shouldn't be scared of spiders. i saw parker in every single one of his friends and every single one of them in parker. they were all so in sync. i felt at home. like i could crack a joke and they would all understand and laugh. i felt truly heard, valued, and accepted for the first time ever. it was nice. no, it was much more than nice. it was everything. in that late evening, we played a game of hide-and-go-seek tag. like kids. it was awesome. if you had asked my friends to play anything remotely similar, you'd get ridiculed. but we were kids, so we played for about an hour, and were all eventually found. claire and cate were the seekers and the rest of us boys split into teams. i remember the bittersweet silent moments i'd have with dylan when we'd disconnect with parker. i remember trying not to laugh at points and hesitating to do so, leaving it under my breath. dylan and i eventually got tagged because we were trapped in a loop by claire and cate. i was just following if i'm being honest. parker was disconnected from us by that point but was found later. the few times him and i laughed about it together, he wished we would have followed him. i do too. maybe if i followed him that night, i could have told him everything i never got to say, and things would have turned out different. that's how it works, right? we ended the night with deeper discussions about one another and smore's. parker made mine. it was delicious. he loved me. i loved him. his friends loved me. i loved them. it had felt like we spent a beautiful life together and we were celebrating our experiences, but it was only an introduction. it was august thirteenth that evening. parker and i observed gavin attempt his first back flip until we decided to head home around midnight. i knew i was going to ask him that day. we had only been talking beforehand, but thirteen was always unlucky for me. and historically, i suppose. the thirteenth year of my life had been my worst. parker knew that. on the way home, at exactly 12:00, we passed over a railroad track as frank ocean's 'white ferrari' surrounded us. it was my favorite song ever. parker knew that. he was my favorite person ever. parker knew that. right then, i told something tender that i had never told anyone before and then asked, "would you be my boyfriend, parker scott beard." and he replied, "yes." and he was my boyfriend. and we were in love. and the evening was perfect. and that moment was even better.

how close i was to the rest of my life. how i could stare at him and be observing my future. how i cried like a baby the second i got home the following day because i loved him more than i had ever loved anyone before. more than i loved my mom. how i wept because i knew where the moles were on his back. because i loved every second i spent with him. because our love was unconditional and i still feel the same. because i loved him in between each second when our eyes would blink and he would disappear from my perception, since in those moments, i would still see him. because i loved the perfect pigmented pattern his irises would spiral out in from his pupils, and because i loved the little spot in his lower back that would make his nerves activate and his muscles reflex with the slightest pressure. because i loved the way he loved. because i loved when we laid together and listened to the risk of rain 2 soundtrack, 'the rain formerly known as purple' in specific. because i loved the way he spoke to me and loved his actions even more. because i loved how he made me hot chocolate that night and did my dishes after. because i loved how he wore those red shorts. because i loved when he would get annoyed with me. because i loved when he would belly laugh as we wrestled. because i loved how he would stare endlessly into the screen as ghibli movies played, so captivatingly entertained. because i loved watching him watch. because i loved the hat he wore with the logo from his work whenever he'd take a shift. because i loved how he looked at me during the lizzy concert. because i loved when he'd climb up in bed with me. because i loved how he made everything feel okay. because i loved that time we stared at one another in his parent's shower as cigarettes after sex played on the speaker, eventually drowned under shower water. because i loved the picture i took before the text he sent after. because i loved how i made him feel. because i loved the dumb fireworks some random family set up at the administration building across my house after an evening of swimming. because i loved lethal company nights with him and kiera. because i loved our little goodnight conversations after. because i loved our phasmophobia nights, even when he would die and make me try to survive. because i loved the chick fil a meals we shared. because i loved the dinners with his parents and how i saw him in parts of them. because i loved the taste of his slushy i took a sip of after the movie we saw. because i loved that sunset we watched with one another as the wind swayed against us so perfectly. because i loved the playlist i remade for him on apple music since he didn't like spotify. because i loved how i was never much of a cryer until i met him. because i loved how the universe was telling me that he was the one. because i loved that he was the one. because i loved the first time i saw him and still see myself standing in sara and paul's driveway. because i loved the tender things he told me in the hot tub that night. because i loved when he grabbed my hand on the way home while i had anxiety from an allergic reaction, telling me that everything would be okay. because i loved the peace between us then. because i loved that he was my peace. because i loved when i gave him the first thing i ever painted that same morning, knowing that he was a pure representation of every good part of me, wrapped into a single beautiful being. because i knew he was my other half. because i loved and remembered every single word and every single moment. and how i cry now, because i loved him and might have taken it all for granted.

parker, someday i'm going to die. all of my cells will be released into the earth, dispersed across the universe, form into something new, and eventually become part of the stars again. we are just dust. yet all of those cells, the same ones which created me, will always remember you. hopefully we can grow and sit down for lunch on a random sunday and forgive one another and put everything behind us. hopefully we can learn to love each other again. hopefully it's soon. i will always love you. in a month, in a year... forever. so will my dust that eventually forms a star. you are my white ferrari. thank you. for the ride. for everything.

everything.

max