#so I've spent years trying to fix myself and being afraid of the help of others because I physically cannot be myself anymore

[melit0n]

I need to shout about Distraction for a minute, so bear with me.

First off, ouch. Big fucking ouch. That thing has been licking the wound it helped create ever since it came out.

Second of all, the repetition of "it's too late for me" always being the background noise to an otherwise quite quiet song, other than the breakdown, is absolutely diabolical. The breakdown feels like a panic attack. A complete and utter mental breakdown finished with a scream-sob of something that has permeated the whole song; it's too late for me. It's always been too late, even with the help of Her, She who is not like any other and is far more than one could ask for, it's too late.

It's always been too late. She found him in the cold waters, on the verge of drowning in self hatred and tried to pull him up, but he didn't want to get Her hand damp. He is not worthy of it all and he screams for the final time for Her to let go because it's too late.

And then everything stops. We are back to the beginning; the quiet, repeatative beat of an anxious heart.

What makes it worse? Distraction is a loop. Starts on the same chord and ends on the exact same one with the same beat. She comes back again and again but it's still too late.

Distraction is a loop of self hatred laced with the inner turmoil of a Thing that doesn't believe it can ever get better because it fears the help of others. It believes it's not worthy of touch, and so rots in falling further again as it warps into something it never wanted to be; broken into fractions and driven to distraction.

[luke-hughes43]

i can fix him (no really i can) | trevor zegras x reader

this is based on the taylor swift song 'i can fix him (no really i can)' for the era's tour fic challenge masterlist put on by the lovely @comphy-and-cozy and @wyattjohnston !

explicitly and loosely based on the lyrics of 'they shake their heads saying, "God help her", when I tell them he's my man, but your good Lord doesn't need to lift a finger, I can fix him, no, really I can, and only I can' as well as the very last lyric of 'woad maybe i can't'

it is sad and angsty at the end and i'm sorry.

enjoy!

~

y'n's pov

growing up in toronto, hockey is everything. and having an older brother and friends who played the sport teach you the ins and outs of the hockey worlds.

even the not so glamorous part of their off ice behaviors and dating habits. well 'lack there of' dating habits.

that led me to my rule of 'no dating hockey players' that i stuck with for 24 years. until one fateful january night at a bar in nashville led me to spending most of the season in southern california cheering for the anahiem ducks.

somehow, i ended up meeting none other than trevor zegras. and exchanged numbers with him.

i had explained my 'no dating hockey players' rule to him and he ignored it. and wouldn't leave until he got my number. so i gave it to him. against my better judgement.

after 5 months of him persistently texting me and asking me on a date, i finally caved. deciding that if he's willing to spend 5 months chasing after me then maybe he's different than most hockey players. my brother and everyone warned me about him when they found out. saying, "zegras is known for having multiple girls in all 32 cities. just be careful."

i choose to ignore them because he's never given me a reason not to. towards the end of the off season, he asked me to go to michigan with him so that i could meet his friends. meeting his friends, a month into actually dating felt really fast. he had only met one of my friends up until then and that's because she came over and woke us up after he accidentally spent the night.

i agree to going to michigan with him to meet his friends because he was so happy and excited about it and i wasn't going to deny him of that joy. he's too cute to be sad over something like that.

however, being in michigan was weird.

it felt like his friends were walking on eggshells around me. afraid of saying the wrong thing to me. especially after finding out my brother plays in the league.

late one night as i'm heading up to bed i hear two of trevor's friends, jack and cole, talking about us. well more specifically me.

"god help y/n. dating trevor is not an easy feat and i hope she knows what's she's getting into." i hear from cole. and then i hear jack respond, "yea. like i love z don't get me wrong but he's a handful. there's a reason that he hasn't had a serious girl since high school. he's enjoying the pro life."

"like you?" cole comments to jack. jack just laughs him off and says, "he seems to really like her so maybe she's the one to really get him to grow up."

"one can only hope hughesy. i like her too, so hopefully she is the one to fix him." cole says.

i just go up to bed at that and crawl into bed. where trevor is already sleeping. he must've felt me get into bed because he's immediately pulling me close to him and cuddling into me, moving his head to my chest. i smile and thread my fingers through his dirty blonde hair.

i think to myself, "i can fix you trev, i really i can."

i let myself drift off into a much needed sleep and leave that conversation in the back of my head. for months actually.

flash forward to know. i have spent most of the season in SoCal with trevor because he asked me to. and i've grown a lot closer to his friends, considering them my friends now.

trevor just recently got hurt and is on crutches and is struggling. i'm doing my best to help him but he's not very receptive right now so i'm also trying to give him space. i get a text from jack and cole the day after it happens in a group chat that the 3 of us have.

jack hows trev?

cole he whining?

no not yet.

jack surprising.

cole you doing ok? i know he's a lot.

i'm doing good. and he's fine, not whining just needy lol😝

jack that's our trev

cole be nice to him pls y/n. he really likes you.

i will cole. promise. i can fix him, really i can

both boys like my message and i get back to caring for my extremely needy boyfriend.

fast forward to the break for 4 Nations and trev and i had plans to go on a trip together. just us, for the first time. but 3 days before we were set to leave, he says, "hey baby, i have to head back to new york for some family thing but i'm gonna meet you in *insert random place for their vacation* i'm sorry."

"it's ok trev. family's important i get it. i'll see you there." i say with a smile and kiss him softly.

it kinda sucks not flying there with him but i'll live. i get 5 uninterrupted days with my boyfriend for the first time since we started dating so i've decided not to be picky about it.

the day of my flight, i get to the airport and arrive at our hotel and check in. i knew trevor would be getting in after me since he's coming on a different so i decided to take a nap until he got here.

however, when i woke up, he still wasn't here. i check my phone and there's no messages from him whatsoever. and i go to check his location and it's off. which could be from him flying. i check his flight info to see if it was delayed and it wasn't, it had landed two hours ago. so where is my boyfriend?

i go to text him when i see a text from jack and cole.

jack i'm so sorry y/n

cole he's an asshole. and doesn't deserve.

what's going on? where's trevor?

jack you haven't seen?

obviously not jack if i'm asking where he is

cole y/n, he's in new york city. he was spotted leaving a club last night with some girl on his arm.

what are you guys talking about?

jack *insert article* jack read it. we're so sorry.

what the hell is this?

cole trevor being a fucking idiot.

jack i already called him and bitched him out.

i thought i could fix him. i had heard the rumors but i tried not to believe him because he never gave me a reason to. what am i supposed to do now? i'm literally in *insert vacation plan* and he was supposed to be here too. now what do i do?

cole i'm on the next flight there. don't leave. i'm not gonna let trevor ruin your trip by being an asshole. just because he's our friend, doesn't mean we're gonna stop being your friend over his stupidity.

you don't have to do that cole. i'll be ok

cole too late. already on the way to the airport.

jack if i wasn't at 4 nations, i'd be coming too. jack we thought you could fix him too y/n jack i guess no one can.

i close my phone and wipe the tears that we're streaming down my face. my brother had texted after seeing the article and i don't have the heart to look at it.

looks i can't fix trevor zegras. i guess no one can.

[tsaritsa]

Congratulations on winning Nano!!! Any hot takes or unconventional tips on how to achieve a huuuge milestone like that in so little time?

Also, if you'd like to share, I'd love to hear more about the piece(s) you worked on during this year's event! Big yay if you want to tease us with a sneak peek as well. 🙂

Congratsss again!!!

ty!!!! i am afraid my tips might seem kind of obvious and not that much of a hot take but here's what worked for me:

writing sprints. do 10 min. do 17 min. do 30 min. whatever it is, just get words down on the page. after each sprint was finished i'd look at what i wrote, fix up the most glaring mistakes (espe if the words looked terrible. i've learned to live with a lot of spelling errors bc otherwise u waste too much time. during nano each day i'd prolly manage between 2-3 sprints -- usually enough to net me between 1000-1500 words each day. i wouldn't stop if i hit the daily total, i'd stop when i could feel the motivation waning. my lowest day was under 300 words, my biggest was just over 4000.

get a community. writing sucks alone. i feel very grateful that i've made some friends on here who were also trying to write regularly, so now there's 5 of us in a little discord i've made. we do sprints with each other and share lots of snippets, memes, pretty pictures etc. it keeps us excited about our own projects, but also allows us to cheerlead each other on.

get used to placeholders. i use TK. anytime there's a word i need but it's not on the tip of my tongue? TK my beloved. sometimes i'd write like she sighed in a TK kind of way, or like harry opens his mouth to argue about TK TK some work thing he's doing TK TK. it just keeps u in the pace of writing ur in, but allows for a few words to be spent writing down a piece that needs further expansion.

establish habits and goals. for me, it's stuff like trying to write the bulk of my writing with a nice candle lit, but also the silly stuff like putting on lippy so I feel like. Ready to do shit. have a few drinks avail. one to hydrate (ice cold) one to caffeinate (also ice cold). play music or sounds that will help u get into the zone without overly distracting. now that i've won it i'm gonna treat myself to some silly purchases as well bc i should reward myself for such hard work and dedication. i'm thinking a v comfy hoodie.

overall if i didn't have the community i had this month i think my external motivation would've been lost quickly, so find friends to yell at about ur project. watch yt videos about ppl doing writing! make posts and don't give a flying fuck about being cringe or not suiting ut 'aesthetic'. this is u. do it for U.

in terms of this project: the short version is hermione goes back to hogwarts post book 7 and has to slowly begin to recover from/learn to live with the PTSD she's gained. alas, draco is also back and she's gotta learn to make peace with the fact that he's allowed to want to change and that he's making small steps to become a better person than who he was. they're gonna kiss and be disgusting with each other. ultimately this is a story about hermione's journey, as the whole thing is written from her perspective, so although the dhr aspect is there, there are also other important relationships i want to focus on -- especially her and harry.

i'm ignoring/expanding on a lot of canon, and using some details from the movies i prefer over the books (namely her mudblood scar bc mmmmm parallels). i don't really know if anybody is in character but i don't care! this is my story and i'll do it how i see fit haha.

the following excerpt comes from late sept in the current draft. at this point dhr has been forced together a few times already. draco has surreptitiously managed to drug slughorn with a potion of his (slughorn's) own making during their potions class bc the potions professor was spending an entire lesson just showing off instead of. u know. teaching.

[chipped-chimera]

Thought I'd do a little bit of a personal update! I'm doing the reorganising thing which is still slow but really motivating - enough that I'm having good energy days where I'm getting more done! I should be able to start work on the new fish tank soon!

More commentary/thoughts/where I'm going creatively below the cut. (It might be a bit heavy, you've been warned - check tags for more info)

EDIT: Fixed Tumblr borking this, now looks like how this WAS SUPPOSED TO oof

So I'm in the process of redoing my entire office just to fit this fish thank (which has now been leak tested so we're good to go), as well as reorganising based on tips I picked up from this book for people with ADHD that I've found massively helpful. Honestly it's been great for helping me just THROW SHIT OUT because while I can have my moments of ruthless detachment and clear inventory my family is very much a 'use/reuse/reappropriate' kind of deal, which while great often gives me hesitation throwing stuff out primarily because of that pressure - especially when I'm stuck living with them. Now I know it's necessary to get everything to a state where it will STAY organised.

It's also let me take inventory of the stupid amount of traditional media art supplies which have been sitting there since high school in near pristine unused condition (we are talking a LOT of very useable acrylic paints here) and get them all organised. After chatting with my psychologist yesterday I've bought more/replacements for things I had to throw out (literally dry as a bone markers) as she literally said she 'very much encouraged' my idea of starting a visual art diary to help process emotions and stuff.

I know over the years my inspiration to do stuff has withered, usually because it's been hammered by bad moods (caused primarily by external forces I could not control on top of my already battered neurology). I know now because of shit in my past that has been largely unresolved, art has never been an outlet for emotions for me because I'm so afraid of taking up space. Despite emotions being a powerful source for art, I rarely draw on them both because I have spent so much time trying not to feel them or hiding them because unfortunately my history is one of a lot of rejection, right down to a very young age where my caregivers should have been way more on the ball. It's helped me acknowledge my way of expressing love and affection is kind of fucked - when I feel close to someone or like them a lot it has the opposite effect where I instinctively want to pull away from them because I'm scared I'm going to 'ruin it', like my life is tainted and by associating with them I'll drag them down somehow. I know it's silly but it's very hard to get past because it's automatic - that was the only way I was guarenteed to get affection, if I was the most borin, biddable, palatable child in existence who caused no problems, even if it meant enduring physical and emotional pain alone. I inherently find it hard to trust people being genuine about liking me as a person because I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop when they realise I'm too much hassle - which unfortunately was the circumstance my relationship ended around so yeah, that did not fucking help. Basically I go from being really comfortable around someone to masking intensely and yeah that is NOT GOOD. I also legit feel the reason I have alexytheimia is because I had to develop a buffer so early in my life just to survive as far as I have.

I'm hoping art journalling will help me process some of those thoughts and feelings and I still want to try and show them, just to show myself they DO have value, they are a valid part of the human experience and they should be allowed to take up space - I do not need to hide them away or cut pieces of myself out to become more 'palateable' to people. So yeah um, I guess there will be some vent art, I don't know if I'll post only to my art blog or here because it's more sketchy shit and I reserve the art blog for finished pieces now ... either way knowing me it's going to be highly metaphorical and symbolic so I don't know how 'triggering' it could be but either way I'll probably tag the absolute shit out of it just to make sure I don't adversely effect someone (yes I am aware of the irony in me saying that as it's basically me trying to 'not ruin' things again but even putting it out there at all is a big enough step - also tags are just basic decency).

So uh ... That's what I've been up to? Also why I've been kind of shit about WIP Wednesday tagging and responding to other tag games (which I am now once again remembering a bunch of that I STILL have sitting in my motifs cause I still wanna do them ; m ;) I think I tend to get something like reverse SAD this time of year, arguably for the same reasons SAD develops - it gets so damn hot that I have the curtains closed in my office (which has the biggest window in the house) all day to keep the heat out. So arguably I have just made 'tiny dark winter' for about two months because I ain't going outside when it's over 30C (aka the temp tomorrow. And the day after THAT. Fuck I hate summer). Just instead of dark and cold it's dark and sweaty - feeling clammy also being a sensory problem for me so all around BAD TIME until the season changes :/

Outside of all that I'm speculating writing a wlw romance in a western setting because I have had on off cowboy rot since forever and I should probably do something with that already. Currently speculative Native American love interest/secondary protagonist with a background that probably touches on maybe the boarding schools and then reconnection with culture. We've had similar stories with our indigenous population in Australia unfortunately (colonialism is a plague) so I can sort of have some understanding but I probably need to hit the books on that one. For any Americans/Canadians reading this if you know some good books, PLEASE send me your references, I really want to make sure I do this right. I reblogged a post a few days ago about how Native Americans are often dehumanised in westerns and they just become part of the landscape, and I really want to push against that. Also do some contrasting against how oppressive western colonial era culture was by comparison to native culture honestly because I feel that would be a really interesting dynamic. Idk when/if stuff with this project will start happening but we'll see.

If you read this far, thanks! It's pretty validating to know people care this much, since it's hard for me to believe people do care a lot of the time because of all the above bullshit. So just so you know, I love you guys 💖 and you get a bonus cat:

Tiny p.s. living with my parents now is very different from when I was a child, I know the people who caused me hurt are long, long gone. They are not the same people anymore - so I am okay! It's still frustrating but more for the reasons of wishing I had my own (bigger) space to live in and put all my stuff and just 'I am a 30 year old extremely supressed lesbian speed running puberty and this environment is not conducive to exploring that' if anything. While I'm out with my Mum I can't like ... talk about that shit lol. So yeah, frustrating but for entirely different reasons. Just clearing that up.

[skruffie]

thought dump on burnout and creative recovery

I really underestimated how long it would take to recover my creativity after getting burnt out. A job I spent like two and a half years doing caused enough damage to my mental and emotional stamina that it made me a complete stranger, and in the last couple years since quitting I've done A LOT of recovering... and my drive for drawing and art is like

????????

it's there, and it's not

Joining a TTRPG group helped a lot. I went from being legitimately afraid I'd never draw again to suddenly drawing in quick bursts. My quick bursts are kind of the new rhythm I have now and as a sort of physical reminder I bring my sketchbook and other drawing supplies with me to work almost every day. Do I draw every day? Absolutely not. Knowing I have them within reach though is somehow almost enough.

The other day I was just doing some experimenting with my colored pencils trying to see, with how pigmented Prismacolor pencils are, how deep of a skintone I could blend. Focusing on just thinking about the color process, picking the pencils, blending them, trying to do a classic shaded sphere somehow has my artistic brain unlocked and I wonder if this is what's been lacking. My short bursts of drawing over the last couple years is because I've been trying to approach it like how I used to before I burnt out. Trying to just draw without worrying about perfection or anything hasn't quite been the fix. I'm too stiff, too fixed on the muscle memory of knowing how to draw but it not looking right.

The other night I found myself in a deep dive of those old school how to draw manga books that I think are a rite of passage for any young artist at a certain point. I found them on the internet archive and spent a bit flipping through them and remembering the feeling of awe and inspiration I had over twenty years ago when I first read them. I've been watching youtube videos on digital coloring--not because I don't know how, but it's because like.... I have the steps, I have my usual process, but there's still this brain-hand disconnect where it almost feels like I forgot how to do it all. Color studies, going back to basics, I think maybe these are the breadcrumbs I've been needing. The color studies especially somehow were engaging a more neglected part of my creativity.

When I was drawing a lot more frequently, a lot of my daydreaming when not drawing was spent imagining my environment like I was working on an illustration of it in photoshop. I'd see how light would be bouncing off of a surface or following the lines of a blanket or something, and then picturing that on a digital canvas with my layers menu off to the side. I had a constant imaginary workspace in my head where I'd been going through all the layer functions and the color picker and futzing with the brush settings to imagine how I'd get the texture of that surface to look just right. I don't daydream like this much anymore but I don't know when I stopped.

I have several unfinished drawings I've started over the last several months but there's a wall I hit at a certain point. On one, I'm almost done with the lineart and then I got stuck figuring out how I wanted to color it. On the others, I have the lines and flat colors down but shading them have been difficult. A night or two ago I was struggling to start a digital painting and tonight I finally did start it and so far there hasn't really been any hiccups there. My sketchbook has a ton of really static 3/4 view headshots; drawings just for the sake of drawing. Sometimes I've enjoyed it. Sometimes I've drawn just to remind myself that I do in fact remember how to. This is a weird state to be in.

I have no idea if I'm burnt out still, if this is just how it is now, if I'm going to have that same freeflowing creativity and motivation, if this is the thing the adults around me meant when they would say things like "Yeah I used to draw a lot too, but I just got busy with life and stopped". I'm not really scared that I've lost it forever but I'm just not sure how to navigate this new territory with my artwork.

[aberooski]

I take things one day at a time because I can't think about the future. I cannot comprehend the future. I'm afraid of the future it breaks my brain and all I can think about is that the only way to make it better would be if I wasn't here anymore, and I can’t think about the past because it makes me sad and long for the way it used to be and things and people that aren't there anymore and again and how afraid I am that I'll never find that place again. I used to be happy I used to feel like I had a place in the world I used to feel like people cared about me I used to not be so scared of living, and again all I can think about is that the only way to make things better would be if I wasn't here anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about anything I wouldn't have to worry about how bleak my future looks or living in a world without anyone or anything I love because I wouldn't be there anymore to miss them. And I hate that. I hate thinking that way because I know that isn't true. I don't want to think that way. The last thing I want is to go away, the last thing I want is to not be here anymore, but nothing can fix me. I'm so sad and angry and lonely and scared all the time and nothing can help me nothing can make it go away. I haven't been able to do anything but lay in bed when I get home from work all week. Lay in bed and do nothing productive and waste my life. Like it had any value to waste in the first place, what a joke. I can't even say anything to anyone in my real life about anything because nobody listens to me. Nobody gives a shit to even listen much less try and do anything to help me. And I say that because I know. So many things I do and even say are cries for help, like actual cries for actual help, like I'm scared and sad and angry and I don't know what's wrong with me or how to deal with it or how to fix it or what's even actually wrong with me please help me, and nobody does anything nothing ever comes of it. I can't say anything outright I've never been able to as hard as I try. I'm too anxiety riddled and awkward and timid to ever be able to manage it and nobody would listen to me or take me seriously anyway. I'm not my sister or my brother, I'm the middle child nobody cares about I'm not special I don’t have any significance. Even when I can voice things everyone just sits there and listens and lets me cry and pour myself out and then nothing happens. It's always I just have to hang in there or I just have to keep looking for another job or I just have to keep trying to perform people get rejected all the time it sucks but that's just how it is or you're not missing anything being single it's not a big deal or we'll get your driver's license this month/year/eventually or I'm not the forgotten child and then nothing. No actual help, or if there is it lasts for like, a day or a week or whatever then everyone forgets about me yet again. Everyone moves on to more important things that actually matter unlike me. Like every day when my grandma takes me to work she prays for me and tells that she lives me and to keep hanging in there. And I live my grandma I love her so much she practically raised me because my parents got divorced for a few years when I was little and mom always worked so we spent so much time at grandma's house and I appreciate that she at least tries to be encouraging and supportive but I need actual help. I need to be the priority for once in my life. I'm a child in the body of a 24, almost 25 year-old woman. I can't do anything for myself I don't know how to function like a normal person I don't know how to be my age I don't know how to do anything. I've never not been taken care of by people I don't know how to take care of myself I don't know how to be a person I don't know how to exist in this world I don't know how to be alive anymore. Every day I mourn the experiences I was supposed to have. That I grew up expecting to have that everyone else around me had while I sat by and watched and waited on the sidelines for my turn.

I've never had a significant other in my life and feel so inferior and unworthy and unlovable and disgusting and I'll never have it now. It's too late for me now, I'm too old to have never been desired by anybody and nobody ever will now and I won't blame them. It wasn't supposed to be like this I was supposed to have a high school sweetheart I was supposed to have gone on a date I was supposed to have been kissed and held and looked at fondly and I was supposed to have hearts and stars in my eyes and it was supposed to be magical it was supposed to be everything I dreamed I would have it's all gone. My dreams are all dead I'll never have that childhood young love it's too late it's all gone I won't have another chance. And when I say how much that hurts me and how it hurts every day that goes by that I'm alone all I get told is that it's no big deal. That I'm not missing anything. That I'm better off. Well fuck you. I'm not better off. That doesn't help me it only hurts me more. That only makes me feel like there's even more wrong with me for never having romantic love and feeling sad because I want it. But apparently I shouldn't want it that what it feels like you're all saying to me.

And I'm resentful of my sister for trying to move out of our house even though she's just moving to our great grandma's old house like five minutes away. How dare she that's not how it's supposed to be, that's not what's supposed to happen. Nobody's supposed to leave everyone's supposed to stay together everybody's supposed to stay with me nobody's supposed to go anywhere nobody's supposed to leave me please don't leave me. I can't handle chance I just can't. Nobody's supposed to go this is out home I'm not supposed to go this is my home this is all I've ever known. I'm not supposed to be this old. This wasn't supposed to happen I'm not supposed to get older I'm supposed to be my parent's kid. I'm supposed to be the kid I'm not supposed to be on my own I'm not supposed to be afraid of change because nothing's supposed to change. I'm not supposed to think of people and places and things and remember they're not there anymore that's not fair that's not how it's supposed to be. I'm not supposed to worry I;m supposed to be a kid I'm supposed to be happy I'm only supposed to be worried about homework and which friend's house I'm staying at this weekend or playing games with my brother and sister and if there's going to be a snow day today and what toys I'm gonna get for my birthday and christmas this year and which disney princess I want to be for halloween and summer break and it's not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be like this nothing's supposed to change why is everything changing why do I have to lose people why do things have to be this way it's not fair it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not I'm not supposed to be this way. I need help. I'n not supposed to need hel,p everything is supposed to be okay I'm supposed to be a normal person I'm supposed to be okay I don't understand I don't know what to do I;m scared I don't like this I don't want it to be this way I don;t like this world anynmroe I don't want to be here but I don't want to go either I want to go back I want to star over I want my life back I want things to make sense again i don't want to be broke anymore I want our cat to be alive again I want to drive past grandma mary's house and not have to remmeber that she's gone now I don't want to hae to worry about how much longer I'll have with my grandparents I don't want my aunt to move away again I don't want anyone to leave me please don't leave me alone please please please please please please I don't know what to do I don't know what's wrong with me I want it all back I can't do this anymore I can't take this I can't be older I can't get older I'm not supposed to get older I'm not strong enough to get older i;m not i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm not

I want my mom

[spacecadetspe]

Dec. 8, 2023

I've put myself through hell this week.

I've put some time and effort into finding myself a house. Not that I'm displeased with my current living arrangements; W has had a flight of fancy due to his father becoming a real estate agent, and together he and I went to look at a few houses with a local agent.

Well, we found an adorable house. I loved it. It needed some fixing up, but that wasn't my biggest problem with it. As much as my agent provided helpful tips and encouragement, I felt rushed almost all the way through the process. She set the closing date on our contract for December 15th. My lease isn't up until August of next year.

She always offered me a way out, but whenever I looked toward the exit, she'd gently steer me away from it. "Don't be afraid." "Don't panic." "You love this house!" And it was true. She hit all the right buttons. And the last thing I wanted was to be afraid of anything ever again. And I can do any terrifying thing if I have someone holding my hand... right?

Well, the last weekend happened. I took W to the hospital. They found exactly nothing wrong with him, and now there's a hospital bill with my name on it. So I took care of him all weekend. And then Fortitude hit his limit and couldn't get out of bed all Sunday. I've also been trying to support a friend of mine who is facing homelessness and is trying to get back on her feet.

And Sunday afternoon, I finally started feeling it. That the whole world was an awful, terrible place, and I couldn't take care of everybody.

The realtor called me on Monday, trying to get me to put down my earnest money for the sale, and I started having flashbacks. I don't have it. If I gave it to her just now, I'd have $24 to my name. And as much as I scrimp and save, I couldn't see myself going back to living off pennies as I tried to care for my family. And I wasn't going to hound my mother for money, even if she was financially capable of supporting me. I'm finally paying for W's tuition and my rent, and living off my own hard work. I'm not willing to ask my mom for money again when she's already done so much for me.

So after I got off the phone with the realtor, I called my mom. I was having flashes of yellow light in my vision; flashes that came with sudden panic and hysteria. I was having flashbacks; feeling trapped, and feeling like I was being led into something I couldn't back out of. And at the time, I couldn't place what my trigger was; only that I needed my mom.

I called her crying, sobbing outside my office. She and my sister talked me down, and then kindly referred me to others in my support group; a cousin who is a real estate broker, and my step-sister who is a real-estate lawyer. They took me out to dinner, where I had a final flashback, and then got tipsy and ate possibly the best ramen of my life and yakked about everything.

And then in the morning, the mortgage lady called me, off the clock (for her; my workday starts early). Generally speaking, I like her. She was incredibly empathetic, and volunteered to call the real estate lady on my behalf; or perhaps call her off. When I told her that I'd spent the weekend taking care of everyone, she asked, "Who's taking care of you?"

That is the problem, isn't it?

If you've never heard of spoon theory, dear reader, it's something I really value in my life. "Spoons" represent the energy you have available to perform pertinent tasks. By a similar token, "fucks" are how much you care about said tasks. But since we live in a household with a kid, it has simply become "spoons and forks." But one day, W asked me a thoughtful question: "So what are knives?"

I had no idea. So I asked Fortitude.

"Knives are your support system," he said. "They're the things that cut tasks into bite sized pieces, whether it's more hands to do the job, or perspective that makes your job easier. Knives are what turns the turkey into turkey sandwiches."

So now I have a whole cutlery set.

Since my financing fell through, I've been able to back out of the contract, much to my realtor's dismay. But as my mom said, it's okay for me to just be comfortable in my own place for now. I'm in a good, safe, pleasant little apartment with everything I really need. And I can enjoy that. I am sad about the house, sure, but I'm not really in any rush, am I?

Gods, I need to go back to Surtr. My chakras are a mess.

[sunooasis]

ミ. let's fall in love? + yang jungwon

☽. pairing: jungwon x gn!reader

☽. genre: fluff, first love!au

☽. word count: 1.3k

☽. warnings: mentions of broken family(?) , a single curse

☽. song rec: the only exception - paramore

⿻. note: !reuploaded as i did changes! i apologize in advance if it turned out pretty bad (did major skips). this is also my first time writing with 1k+ words so.. : ]

the bliss flooding through every veins of yours drove your senses disturbed. it was preposterous, you think. the unwelcomed feeling suddenly engrossing you as if it never appeared to you as a hindrance which you thought otherwise makes you queasy. you've grown up in despise of risking your heart with no affirmation, with you presuming that it's uncertain.

as almost as instantly, the fear rushed in attempt to consume you once more with the memories of your broken family...years of endless fights while your silent whimpers echoed in your room, their promises slowly falling apart right in front of your home, a damaged bond trying to be fixed, and an empty heart as you grew up promising of avoiding loving someone, because you believed on how only pain will benefit you from it.

so now you're confused why, why does it got to be you stucked in this stupid game of fate? even all the advices you have tried to gather naively in the internet since you got no one to help you, didn't helped one bit and you're scared to all of this. you're scared of falling in love only to be shattered mercilessly and helplessly by it once again.

you hated the tingling sensation you're feeling right now as he embraces you tight, suffocating yet it consoles you. you hated how he noticed that you're having a hard time and so he gave you a comforting hug despite him barely knowing you. you hated that it feels warm and tender like your old favorite hibiscus tea. so why does all of it feels so right?

"i love your hug y/n, so expect me to ask you a lot of this starting tomorrow, hm?" the boy said, breaking the silence created five minutes ago as both of you are currently the only ones left inside the classroom. his voice rung to your back and it sent more confusing tingles to your body. it's been months since the bewilderment of you by this feeling started yet it's the first time making the butterflies errupt this wild. fortunately luck's with you this time as your tinted face safely hid in his shoulder.

"a-are you being serious right now jungwon?"

he pulls away from your hug. and now you feel uncomfortably cold that you wanted to immediately retreat yourself in his arms but stopped from doing so. you tried to convince yourself that you're used to winters and if not, you can always be warm without him, but why does it feels wrong?

"actually dead serious y/n" he furrowed his eyebrows jokingly with his head going up and down but still focused on you. it made you hesitantly give a thumbs up as you nod in agreement and stifle a laugh. you can't say no to him, not when your heart tells you thousands of yes.

a week swiftly flew by yet you're still unable to gather your own thoughts and feelings. all of it seems to be happening so fast and you can't still even comprehend how in just one day, your heart decided to skip a beat to your seatmate.

despite all the ways you tried to get rid of his solicitude towards yours off your mind, you just inevitably think about him all over again at the end of the day.

part of you can't deny that one whole week, where you spent all the free times you have thinking about something that you fear, and that is what if you maybe just confess what you truly feel towards him? that maybe it's better that way than be isolated by your hidden fondness for the past few suffocating months to the certain boy.

but surprisingly after days more, finally the thought pushed your what ifs flooding your mind that you got tired of overthinking it. you got tired of being ludicrous for trying to suppress it yourself.

you wouldn't want to wait anymore for it to fade since it's only getting steadfast.

4:50 pm, at the school garden. the unoccupied bench was strangely settled by you with jungwon beside yours.

the area felt far away to any chaos; it feels healing with all the blossoming wildflowers surrounding you. it made the possible outcome of your disclosure to him less unnerving. the two of you were kissed by the sun that's sinking little by little, and the breeze caressed in solace after a long day.

"i have something to tell you.." you muttered. "what is it?" asked him, turning his face to look at your side. you hated the way he's looking at you right now with his eyes glinting in curiosity like what you'll be saying could possibly be special to him. suddenly a bird landed near and chirped, watching your spot steadily as if it already witnessed hundreds of confessions made at this place.

"this will be long since i will talk about all of my gathered feelings, so i ask for your time. second, i'm sorry in advance for my fucked up emotion," a faltering chuckle escaped your lips first before you proceed and he nodded in understandment. the warmth suddenly felt too suffocating for your likings, and your throat suddenly felt irritated, yet you snubbed it and eventually let on your words.

"three months ago, my heart suddenly started beating unusually when you smiled at me....i don't know why and how. at first i didn't mind but the unusual beats only got faster day by day as i got to know you more, then the tingle in my stomach followed that i can't just ignore it anymore. i can assure you that i tried my best to stop it and i'm beyond disappointed with myself, i promised not to love anyone. i hated that idea so so much jungwon, but my heart keeps telling me to risk it for you...every night it keeps telling me that there's nothing to be afraid of loving someone, of loving you. and now i'm unimaginably pouring all my thoughts to someone i've perhaps fallen with, hoping that after this i can move on at last,"

the whole time you spoke, your gaze only could focus on the green grass tickling beneath your feet. you felt dizzy after your confession, but thankfully the air- or relief finally entered your lungs.

silence surrounded the place. you don't know what's his current state right now and you have no plans on looking at him. is he surprised? is he mad at you? is he-

"i'm thankful y/n,"

but that's when you finally face him. he's smiling at you as the dip on the side of his cheek peaked. then the tears you're holding for the past months started to run down your face and you felt suddenly weak, now entirely confused on what's happening when your own vision started to appear so hazy to even discern the moment.

he then placed both of his hand on yours. "thank you for trusting me, thank you for being brave...and thank you for loving me." he wiped your tears away before coming back to your hands, intertwining it with his and it magically fitted in perfection. "as much as i know how much you are scared right now, can i prove you first on how beautiful love is?" , "and if you're still wondering....i also felt all the tingles creeping inside me beside my heart involuntarily pounding when i'm with you."

the uneasiness you felt before was long gone and now replaced by contentment as you could only smile at the clouded memory. few years ago, you believed that love is nonexistent, a thorn behind a delicate rose, but he came and played the role as your only exception. he made you realize that the idea of love shines through the lack of vividness when it's someone made for you.

with his arms wrapped your waist and yours layed on top of his shoulders, he sways you both slowly, following the beat of the soft melody from the speaker that is filling your dimly lit apartment. your head cuddled against his chest as you find the slow beats of his heart in comfort while the faint smile of his lips pressed against your hair.

"thank you for showing me how truly beautiful love is, my jungwon."

[time-overload]

I'm still really struggling but I don't think it's good for me to isolate myself more than I already do. I've been in my head too much. I'm really afraid about the future. I have felt like I've been in a fog since I woke up this morning. I'm trying really hard to get better but I didn't think it was going to be this difficult. I'm in so much pain all the time I can barely move when I get home from work. I spend most of my weekends recovering from the week and I really don't do anything or talk to many people because I simply don't have the energy and I'm kind of crabby and don't want to bring anyone down. I've been having muscle spasms in my back that keep me up all night. Nothing really seems to help. It's almost impossible to get comfortable when I'm sitting, even in the recliner. I can't focus or accomplish much. Basic tasks are a challenge. I'm really weak. My room is a disaster and it's too damn hot to clean. Everything is piling up around me. My mental illness is getting in the way too. I can barely take care of myself and I feel like I'm way too young to be feeling this way. I feel like no one understands.

I just keep getting busier at work and I feel like I can't keep up with the standards I set for myself several years ago. I just run all day long now. I really enjoy what I do and I put my best effort into everything but sometimes I probably overdo it. I genuinely care about improving the quality of life for other people but I can't seem to do it for myself. I'm burning more calories than I can take in. I've been given a lot more responsibilities which normally wouldn't be a bad thing if I could physically handle it. It seems so easy for other people but I guess I have no idea how they feel. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job if I get any worse and I can't find a different job and I feel stuck where I'm at. I'm scared about Winter because things are only going to get harder. Every day feels like torture lately.

I'm afraid to go back to the doctor and have them dismiss me again. I wish the pain would go away. I don't want any more bills for nothing. I can't take any more sick time for a while either so I just have to tough it out and hope that I can fix myself again. I haven't been drinking because it just makes me feel worse and I know I can't do it anymore. Maybe someday I will be able to have a drink (responsibly) when I'm healthy again but until then I am staying far away from it. It isn't even appealing at this point. I even turned down an invitation to a party because I just don't want to be around that and I probably wouldn't be able to enjoy it anyway. It makes me sad because I really miss having friends and I'm tired of locking myself in my room.

I've been working on eating better but it has been a nightmare for me. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food my entire life. I either eat way too much or not enough. I have a hard time eating when I'm stressed because it feels like I have knots in my stomach. All of my "safe foods" are horrible for me. I've always been super picky and avoided social situations that involved food because they created a lot of anxiety for me. I've always preferred eating by myself because then no one could judge me. It makes it hard to have healthy friendships especially when I already feel socially awkward a lot of the time.

I kind of feel like I was doomed from the start. I was born 2 months early via emergency c-section. My mom had toxemia preeclampsia and we both almost died. I was seperated from her before she even got to hold me and was taken to a different hospital by ambulance. I was 3lbs 2oz and I spent the first month of my life in the NICU. I feel like I've always been a little different. I have always been small and my doctors have told me that's just the way I'm built and I hate it. I was always envious of curvy girls because I've gotten tired of being called a "twig" or "chicken legs". I got bullied a lot and people would refer to me as the "anorexic girl" in middle school. People still make insensitive comments about my weight all the time and it sucks but I've learned to live with it. I have felt ashamed of my body because of that.

We grew up really poor and my dad was the only one that worked while my mom stayed home. They didn't always have money to buy a ton of food so I adapted to eating a lot of processed foods that have minimal nutritional value. I usually skipped breakfast and sometimes lunch when I was a teenager and would have an energy drink or a soda instead. We rarely ate vegetables at home other than potatoes and corn. My mom would cook dinner sometimes but it was usually a cheap boxed meal that she would make me finish while I took care of my siblings and she sat in the garage and talked to herself while chain-smoking and drinking her evening bottle of wine. It was hard to thrive with the way she treated me and I felt like a burden to her. She would often be too hungover to take me to school or she would forget to pick me up. There was a period of time when she was very violent. She got arrested multiple times. She assaulted my dad and punched me so hard I had a black eye for a week and she doesn't even remember doing that. She stole all of the money I had in my savings account for college and blew it on whatever she wanted. I knew she was sick but it didn't make it any easier to deal with because I know that's not who she really is. She used to be very kind and loving. It was incredibly stressful for me and I was coping by not eating as much as I should and stealing her cigarettes and alcohol so I can't say I was much better than her. My dad wasn't really able to cook because he was too busy working or getting abused by her so I really can't blame him. He did the best he could at the time and I don't know where I would be without him. Thankfully they got divorced and we got out of that situation but it hasn't been an easy journey since then. We tried so hard to help her but she refused and mental healthcare in this country is awful. There aren't a lot of resources out there unfortunately. My relationship with her hasn't improved and she still thinks I'm this horrible, evil person and it's unlikely I will ever see her again because she refuses to come home and cannot comprehend that she has something wrong with her. I still love her anyway.

Although I can make some things, I never really learned how to cook properly, even when I became an adult and had my own kitchen because it wasn't a priority for me at the time. I naively thought I could eat fast food all the time without suffering the consequences. I thought I was invincible or something. It didn't help that I lived with someone who also struggled with the same thing. When I was younger, I rarely ate a meal that was made from scratch except for on holidays or when I would go visit my grandparents because there was just too much drama going on at home to eat together as a family. The most I ever weighed was 130lbs when I started college and I felt amazing but it has been downhill from there. It didn't help that I did a lot drugs and made a lot of bad choices after that. I know my growth has been stunted from poor nutrition and anemia. I've been doing a lot of research to try to understand why I have such a difficult time with eating and apparently premature babies are more likely to develop eating disorders later in life along with other mental health conditions. It doesn't help that 2 of my permanent teeth didn't develop and sometimes makes eating uncomfortable. Implants aren't really an option at the moment so I'm trying to deal with that too. I am afraid to have another surgery because of my previous experience. Having sepsis last year really kicked my ass too and I'm still not over that either. I feel like I'm falling apart and I'm not even 30. I don't know what to do.

I'm not trying to make excuses or complain about anything, I just need to talk about it because I don't really have anyone. Everything is so overwhelming right now. I'm doing my best to handle everything on my own. I've been trying to do yoga and meditate when I feel good enough to. I mostly drink water now and I've cut back on caffeine a lot. I have still been trying to eat 3 times a day, drinking protein shakes for extra calories, and trying to snack more. Sometimes it hurts to eat and there are some days when I can't meet my goals though and it's still discouraging when I look in the mirror. I don't want to be this thin. I want to be healthy and I don't care if that means being a little bigger. I have never starved myself with the intention of being thinner. I guess it's more about having control over something in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing myself for not doing things right. It makes me feel sick when I hear people tell me they're jealous and they wish they could be as thin as I am but they can't see how much I'm suffering inside. Thinness does not equal health. I know starving myself is a shitty coping mechanism. It doesn't fix anything. I spent too much time trying to destroy myself when the odds were already against me and now I'm not where I want to be. I hate feeling this way. I just want to be normal. I'm not giving up even though I'm feeling really frustrated right now. I'm truly hoping things will get better.

[mental-health-advice]

Hey.

For a while I feel like my friendship with this person has become inherently codependent.

I didn't realise how much I needed to be needed by him until recently. I put a lot of my self worth on him and in the process put him above everything else. And I felt justified because he was going through a tough time. And I don't want to judge him, but he isn't exactly the best person. He can be extremely cruel to other people and selfish. But I never questioned anything he did because I wanted him to like me. I didn't neglect any other things like school and stuff. I kept on top of it, but most of my free time was taken up for him, having conversations that I really didn't want to and I enjoyed myself most of the time but sometimes I felt like I outgrew his company. I made up versions of him in my head that were so much better than real life. This was aggravated because we were all in lockdown and I couldn't meet other people. I've only ever known him through phone calls for a while and the two months we actually met in in person school were spent with him feuding against my other friends in his quest for power. I always found it impossible to pick a side in these situations, because the others were right but I wanted to please him too. I was incapable of refusing anything he said. I always had to hide away a part of me because I was afraid he wouldn't like me then. And he could be very controlling too. He thought he was above everyone and the school director kind of favoured him too, so he had a lot of plans for a very unsafe event. But then schools shut down again and he became really depressed and was suicidal and tried to pin everything on me at one point, just because I respected my mother's words. I tried to be there for him, and this went on for four months. I agreed to everything he said because it was easier than fighting with him. Now stuff hit rock bottom and the director has shut him out and told him to just get back to academics. Schools are opening this week and now he's really scared again.

I don't know what to say when he tells me his life sucks and that he doesn't want it. He's out of the extreme phase now and he expects everything to be handed to him without working hard for anything.

I knew he was someone who didn't care about other people and took joy in the sorrow of others but I always excused his behaviour. When things got too bad I stepped aside.

But apart from all of this, I always craved for him to call me. My happiness depended on his. I needed him to talk to me. And me only. I got insanely jealous and beat myself up inside. I worried so much about him but he didn't seem to care about me at all. When I tried to talk about my feeling it resulted in us fighting continuously, with him saying I didn't deserve him. I never needed him to respect me or my boundaries because I knew he was incapable of caring about someone else and that it wouldn't be worth my time. But now I can't take him just using me anymore. At first I just thought that I had feelings for him which caused my jealousy, but then he came out to me, but these still seem to persist. I just need him to come to me for any problem that he has, but that took a hit today, when I couldn't deal with him at all. I've read up codependent friendships and I think that's what is really going on in my head. I don't like him romantically I think, I'm just really insecure.

I don't want to be that person anymore. He doesn't respect my boundaries, my family or my interests. I'm not allowed to have an opinion because anything that he doesn't agree shouldn't be said in his presence. I feel like I'm stuck in the same place and unable to truly be myself. We are so different and my beliefs directly contradict his but I've never been able to express them to him. And he calls himself my best friend. Our other best friend, is kinda in between. She regularly argues with him and demands respect, but he doesn't even consider it. But when he has a problem we have to drop everything for him. And he accuses me of not trusting him. And he tells me not to say things that make him angry rudely but he doesn't do the same for me when I tell him calmly that I don't want to talk about something. He's really condescending too, and acts as of nothing matters but him. And because of the lack of going out, he was the only solace I have.

Despite this I still deeply care about him. This morning he was groaning continuously, and I told him that everyone had problems, he completely turned on me and said that I didn't get to say anything because my life was fine and that his was way more difficult. He acts as if he knows everything about me and assumes that I will be fine no matter how hard his words are. And he's kinda right, because I always come back to him. This same person told me a few minutes ago that everyone one in our grade was fine and that nothing was wrong and that someone should die, so that their life sucks. So he'll be fine if someone died and if they shut the school and the state, so that he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions. He even has the nerve to whine about how he doesn't deserve any small hardship that comes his way. But life's hard and he doesn't seem to realise that there is life after your senior year in high school. He seems to think that this is all that matters. We're just sixteen and he acts like this is all we ever have. I don't know how to help him. He says he has a bad home life, but I don't know how that excuses him being a horrible human being to others for no reason. And he is privileged. I tell him to work hard this year, and next year in college he can do what he wants. But he says he wants the life of a film star without lifting a finger.

I feel like it's my responsibility to fix his issues, but he's the only one who can. I can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

Moreover he doesn't even care about anything that other people are going through stuff too. And he called me selfish for implying that the world doesn't revolve around him. I've always tried to be there for him, and I still want to, but I don't think it's good for both of us. We're toxic to each other. Sometimes I wish his problems were magically fixed so that we could go back to being normal friends instead of the complete wreckage we both are.

He says no one understands hima s if he was accusing me of not caring enough about him. But I felt like I hit a breaking point and that I couldn't just nod my head anymore. I'm human being with issues of my own but he doesn't give a damn.

I can't even talk to him normally, I have to thread around eggshells to keep him happy, but I'm never happy with him. He says I don't act enthusiastic to his ideas. I hate his ideas but I'm always nice about it. I don't shut him down. I hope he gets the things he wants even if they aren't to my liking. And today he calls me boring and attacks me for not liking marvel. I mean come on can't I even have an opinion on a movie? I said I liked a ship in it ( it was a comfort ship that helped me escape) and he said I didn't have a right to have an opinion because I hadn't watched all the movies. Fandom is something that gives me joy and keeps me grounded and today he attacked something that I thought no one could. My imagination. My ability to create worlds in my head. The worst part, we met because we were both Harry Potter fans. And now he doesn't even feel like that. I helped him edit and write his debut novel. I feel like that person who believed in something is gone. He even admitted to just using me for my knowledge in the beginning.

I still feel sorry for him though. I'm really sorry if I've rambled on for too long. This has become more about him that it has about me.

I still really like him and feel that we can be friends if he starts to try to help himself and if I get rid of my insecurity and jealousy when he talks to other people. My brain is illogical. I don't want to have to deal with all of his issues all the time with no regard for myself, but I don't want him to confide in some else either.

I hate this person that I've become. Who cares about no one but him. I tried to use his issues as a shield against the problems going on in my own life. I try not to let anyone see that I don't have my life together either, because I feel bad about bothering others with my issues, when they have a million struggles of their own, but isn't that what he's doing to me? He disregards my feelings but I'm still very much obsessed with him.

I've lost my sense of self respect completely, and I pushed away other people for him.

I need to stop being codependent on him, and start at least liking myself.

Please help me. I'm sorry if this is too long. I seriously needed to get this off my chest.

And I apologise if I bothered you with my silly problems. I know there are more important things in the world but I seem stuck here. I don't want to appear ungrateful for anything so I pretend that everything is fine. And honestly I feel like I can never be not okay with a wonderful mother like mine. Oh and he hates her too. I just can't seem to win with him. My dad though is a whole nother issue.

This guy gets on my nerves, but I still need him to be happy too. But I shouldn't have to carry that burden. Right?

Hey there,

Due to your Ask being so long, we kindly ask you to resend your Ask and try to keep to our new 700 word limit if at all possible. Long Asks are very difficult for us to answer as there is just way too much information for us to take into account which means that often the Ask will be in our inbox for a lot longer as we don’t always have the capacity to answer them.

We hope that you understand and we are sorry for the inconvenience!

I hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[lareinenoir]

∆Apple of my Eye∆

Loki x Female! Reader

Request: Hi, I love your work so much!! I was wondering if you could do a Loki x female reader where the reader isn’t heavy but she isn’t fit either. Where reader has been through a lot (depression, heartbreak, etc.) and when she sees another girl flirting with Loki she doesn’t have enough self-confidence to do anything about it but Loki notices and a lot of fluff happens.

@em18-blue-soccer-love

Summary: Body image is what you have struggled with for quite a while. Meeting Loki distracted you from it and his constant compliments always made you blush like crazy! When you are invited to one of Tony Stark's party and see your ex-best friend, the memories of your years in college come back. The memories weren't as fun as they are supposed to be.

A/N: I just wanna say, you are all beautiful and self-love is what I've struggled with for so long! For the past two years, I have learned that loving myself is the best thing for me. If you ever need a reminder on how "beautifully and wonderfully made" you are, hmu. ☺

Tag list: @tell-me-a-poem @thatweirdwalangpake @schizonephilim @hisparadox @empressoftheundergroundsun

"Morning precious." Says Loki kissing your head as you stretch your arms and look to the clock.

"Morning? It's noon." You yawn watching Loki toss an apple in his hand "Why didn't you wake me?"

"Well," he says walking over and kissing your head. "you look rather peaceful asleep and I couldn't bring myself to wake you."

"How charming." You replied and he passed you the apple.

"Eat, an apple a day gives the doctor away."

Bursting out you laughing you wipe the apple on the blanket and roll your eyes. "It's an apple a day keeps the doctor away' silly."

"Bah." He says waving his hand "Your Midgardian sayings are all so...let's just say they mean so many things."

"Haha." You shrug taking a bite. "Don't worry, I don't plan on visiting the doctor anytime soon. At least not because I'm sick."

"Good," he nods as he stands you up and pulled you to his body. "I don't want my precious queen getting the chills."

"You Asgardians never get sick." You say while chewing the apple. "Like...for the past two years I've known you and Thor not once have you gotten sick."

"Our immune systems aren't as weak as you mortals." He laughs and you snort

"Hey! Offensive to my people." You giggle slapping him on the shoulder as Loki lays his head in your lap. "We aren't as weak as you think, Loki. Especially women."

"Darling, men-" you give him a warning look and he gets your hint. "What I meant to say was...mortal men will never be stronger than Asgardian men."

"Whatever." You roll your eyes finishing the apple. "Speaking of men," you say, placing the apple core on the dresser "Tony invited us to his house for a little surprise party for Pepper. Do you wanna be my date?" You Giggle

"well..." He said pretending to think. "I'd have to ask the woman I'm currently with if she'd be OK with me going on a date with a very good looking woman, such as yourself."

You smirked and folded your arms as he twists a strand of your hair around his finger. "I'm sure the woman you're seeing wouldn't mind." You joke kneeling down your head to kiss his nose. "If you don't tell her I mean. It can be our little secret."

"Our little secret."

Sharing a small kiss you brush back his jet black hair just to study his face. You felt so lucky to have him.

Tony's parties. Always full of people. Men in expensive suits and Rolex watches. Woman in fitted dresses that matched there handbag. Not to mention some very hot eye candy on the arms of a woman or man.

"You've been staring at your reflection for two hours and have changed outfits seventeen times, not counting this one." Loki groaned getting frustrated and you shook your head

"You men have it easy. All you do is show up in a tux and add gel to your hair." You say heading back to the closet. "I don't...I just want to look the part."

Loki sits up in his elbows off the bed and squinted at you. "The part?" He questions

You instantly close your lips and bring out three more dresses. "So, which one. Blush? Copper red or Zesty-"

He appears in front of you with his index finger against your lips. His eyes in you he slowly takes the hangers and tosses them on the bed. "Y/N, I told you that you look ravishing in all of them. Asking me over and over again will not change my mind." You smile and he kisses the corner of your mouth. "You look good in everything."

"Aw." You say grinning like a ninny trying to avoid his eyes. You wanted to say, 'no I'm not' but you knew how much it annoyed him. "Thanks." You whisper biting your lip.

"Excellent, now can we please go? I'm afraid we are going to be rather late." Said Loki taking your hand in his.

"The party will just be getting started when we arrive." You shrug and you two share a laugh. "He'll have the drinks out by then I hope."

"You mortals and your alcoholic beverages." He said rolling his eyes. "They are a bit on the weak side."

You roll your eyes at him and pinch his butt cheek. "Shut up."

He winks at you and gives you a slap on the ass as you continue walking

When you arrive at Tony's place you are greeted by a whole lot of people bumping into you and Loki and are quickly offered a drink.

"Weren't sure you were going to show up." Said Rhodey handing you and Loki a glass of vodka. "Thor is over there with Steve and Bucky. He said our beverages aren't strong enough for a god."

"And he is indeed right." Said Loki handing it back. "I'm going to go over there, Y/N?" He sort of asks. "Will you be alright for a bit?"

"I will." You nod and he kisses your cheek. "Go on, have fun."

Watching Loki disappear in the crowd of people, you turn and see Rhodey is gone off and is dancing on some tables with Tony.

"Y/N!" Shouts Pepper and you take a sip of the drink as she wraps her arms around your neck. "Glad you could come. Having fun?"

"Yeah. You should be the one having fun! Happy birthday." You said kissing her cheek. "Sorry I couldn't be there to say 'Surprise' I think I spent more time figuring out what to wear than anything."

"No worries. You look great." She motions with her hands. "It wasn't much of a surprise anyway. Vision accidentally spilled the beans. He's still learning." Pepper shrugged "To surprises?" She raised her martini and you clinked it with hers

"Surprises." You say as you both take a large sip.

Walking around and partying with the others you catch a glimpse of Loki doing shots with Steve and Thor.

"What the heck?" You ask seeing they drew a big crowd. The countertop full of shot glasses, Tony filling them while Clint counted. "You've got to be kidding me." You laugh hearing everyone cheer.

In college, this is what the guys did at frat parties. Why the heck were they doing it. Grown men!

"Rogers wins!" Said Clint and everyone began to holler loudly. "Thirty-two shots in one minute." He announces

"I still think you won." You hear someone say as they approach Loki hands grazing his shoulder.

You stared at those perfectly manicured pink acrylic nails and held your breath when you recognized the black stilettoes.

"Thank you." Loki nods chuckling nervously

"I'm Missy Donaven" She introduces herself holding out her free hand. "You must be Loki."

"I am indeed. Its a pleasure to meet you, Missy Donovan." Said Loki being very polite.

You watched them carefully but couldn't help but stare from a distance at her perfectly shaped lips that curved into a smile. How her giggle made your skin crawl because of how lovely it was. Your heart beats with fear a bit as Missy and Loki talked. She would laugh then touch his chest.

Touching Loki! Touching Loki!

"You have a sense of humor. Pretty good looking too." She winks touching his hair.

Touching his hair! Touching his hair!

That's when she looked up and caught your eye. Quickly turning the other way you feel your feet begin to speed walk through the crowd.

"Where you going in a hurry?" Asks Natasha stopping you

Brushing past her you ignore and keep walking until you were in a bathroom. One perfect bathroom with a sink and mirror. And staring in it made you look away. Seeing Missy and how beautiful her red hair was made your body ache. You weren't as pretty as she was. You knew that. She had curves...you weren't sure if you had any. Missy had big boobs...bigger than yours.

Looking away from the mirror, you take a seat on the edge of the tub and bite your lip. Just as you took in a breath the door opens and a smiling Missy Donovan walks in.

"I knew it was you." She says closing the door. "The smell of loneliness was a dead give away."

You didn't want to fight. You weren't in the mood to exchange insults with her. It bothered you more because you should have known to lock the door.

"Where ya going? Don't you wanna talk to me? I haven't seen you in ages Y/N." She says face now in the mirror touching up her makeup.

"I-"

"You look like a Teletubbie. I'm actually surprised you came out of the house in a dress. I thought you were more of pants and oversized hoodie kinda girl. But I can't complain too much." Missy shrugs fixing her hair and making kissing faces in the mirror. "Its a step up. A lot of people thought you were a dike Y/N, because of the way you dressed. Hell, I thought you were. It's an improvement." She spins on her heels, red hair slapping you a bit in your face as she grazes her finger across your cheek. "A+ for trying I guess."

Sucking in your cheeks, you stay silent and hold in your tears. It was very hard to look at her small pale feet and know, in your mind, Loki would pick her.

"Lay off the twinkies? I think I'm seeing a quadruple chin. You definitely need to hit the gym." Missy giggle perking up her breasts. "Hopefully I get this sexy hunk of a man in bed with me. I'll be sure to text you what it's like to sleep with a god."

Back against the wall, you feel helpless and hold in your tears. You even stopped breathing. Missy never allowed you to look at her directly. She always said, "only pretty people can look at me." In college, you waited on Missy. You were at her every beck and call she made sure you knew your place.

She'd always remind you how fat you looked in clothes. The first day you met her, you wore a dress to a party. "Oh honey, you look like a bloated Turkey."

At the time it was a joke? Right? Missy didn't mean anything by it...

When Missy had planned parties, you were in charge but never invited. "I don't want you eating up all the snacks."

One time you did have the nerve to buck up when you found out she was making out with a guy you liked.

"I'm saving you, Y/N. Pedro wouldn't date someone like you. He doesn't go for the girls who look like street trash."

Pedro Hernandez, you had an Instagram spam page and Pedro followed it. He commented on one of your memes and then started DM you. You kept it from Missy for obvious reasons. You and Pedro never met, or even sent pictures to each other. Unfortunately, Missy found out that you guys were planning on meeting and pretended to be you.

"I can't believe I ever thought we were friends." You said but you were more upset with Pedro then anything. He ended up picking Missy Donaven over you.

You and Missy stopped being 'friends' You told yourself, "College all by myself is way better than having someone like Missy."

And here you are. In the bathroom tub crying your eyes out because it was happening all over again. You knew how it would end. Loki would pick Missy. And you wouldn't blame him.

There was a knock at the door and you said,

"Go away!"

"Y/N? Is that you? Are you alright?"

You said nothing. Loki was probably coming to tell you that you were breaking up. He was gonna go for Missy...

"Y/N...I'm coming in. Ok? I'm coming in."

Not looking up, you felt his body heat over you. Loki knew why you were upset. Missy let it slip that you were in the bathroom crying.

"Y/N... I do hate seeing you cry." He tells you, climbing in the tub with you.

Looking up and at the sink, you shake your head. "I saw you with her. At first, I was mad but...I understand. She's pretty. Way prettier than me. Nice big boobs. Tinier waist with a nice ass...curves that I don't have. She isn't fat like me. It's ok. I'm not mad."

"Y/N, I'm afraid-"

"Loki you deserve better. A better-looking girl than me. She's perfect for you. Missy is...she's the perfect girl in every way."

You weren't sure if he was listening or not but he lifts your chin and wipes the pad of his thumb across your cheek. "Y/N. I picked a woman." Loki was looking at you. Eyes so intently looking only at you "I picked a woman, not a girl looking for attention. You are the apple of my eye. You are perfect for me.”

He meant every word. You knew it. Now, you felt stupid for just thinking Otherwise. Loki had already picked you.

"Do you-"

You pressed your lips on his smoothly and inhaled his scent as he kissed you back. Loki held you to his body with a firm grip on the small of your back as your lips moved in sync together. You pull away and he gives you a questionable look,

“What is it, Y/N?”

“Kissing in a bathtub? That will be one hell of a memory.”

both sharing a quick laugh kisses your top lip lightly. “Then let's not ruin it then, yeah?”

[newbeginningsworld]

Alive

For the longest time I've been unhappy with who I am.. just unhappy in general.

For the longest time, I've lived with this thing that's always been hard to explain..

My depression.

My anxiety.

The feeling of worthlessness.

I remember when it began.

It started when my father left when I was only 3 years old. He was in and out of my life until I was 10. It was then, at ten years old, when I decided he needed to stay out of my life for good.

He left me to grow up wondering if I actually really mattered.

He left me to grow up never being able to trust a man to stay. Never able to trust that anyone would stay.

He left me to believe that at the end of the day everyone would end up leaving me..just like he did.

As just a young child, I went through years of therapy, but it never really helped.

Talking to a stranger about what was going on in my ten year old mind did not help one bit.

The depression.

It only worsened during my sophomore year of high school.

I was lost.

My grades were slipping. I couldn't be on my lacrosse team anymore because of the results in my classes. My friends were going their own way, figuring out where they belong.

I, on the other hand, was alone.

I was alone with just my thoughts. The voices in my head were telling me I was unimportant; worthless. That I had nobody by my side. That I would continue to fail.

I was at war with my own mind.

I abused myself.

I neglected myself.

For years, I would look in the mirror and see nothing and felt nothing but hate.

I began to believe I had no purpose.

I had given up on life.

There was no point anymore.

I remember the exact moment when I completely gave up.

I was sitting in the corner of a running shower, tears flooding down my face, a razor blade in my hand.

That was the moment I attempted to take my own life.

I remember piercing my own skin, watching the blood run down my arm.

Instead of feeling pain, I felt relief.

All the pain. All of the sadness. All of the loneliness. All of the fear of failure. It was all about to end.

I would finally be set free from the prison cell of a body that I was trapped in.

But it wasn't enough.

I failed to take my own life.

And deep down, I was grateful that I didn't.

My physical wounds would heal, but leave scars as a reminder.

I remember the look on my mom's face when I told her what I had done.

The expressions of shock. The expressions of sadness and disappointment.

I had made her believe that this was her fault.

It wasn't.

It was the voices in my head. My depression.

I started going back to therapy.

Again, it didn't help.

Even though it was always going to be lurking behind me, I learned to keep it at bay.

And that was going to have to be okay for now.

Two years later, I graduated high school.

I persevered and overcame all of the obstacles and challenges.

Graduating means I survived.

The next two and a half years, I took time off.

Applying for job after job, just to get by.

I was trying to find myself, find my purpose in life.

But I still felt so lost. With no meaning.

Some days were better than others. Some days were worse.

Most days I lived in a state of pure agony and fear. My bad days usually involved me locked in my room completely numb to everything. Other times it involved voices, which sometimes became aggressive. At times, it made me believe things that aren't real. That don't exist. It made me feel things that aren't real, including physical pain. It made me relive the worst moments over and over and over again with no escape. At times it was terrifying and draining.

But I hid it. I shoved my feelings aside. As I always did out of the fear of judgment and being misunderstood.

I had come to terms that this was just apart of me and there was no fixing it.

Along the way, I found someone.

Someone who made me feel happiness. The happiness I couldn't yet give myself. Someone who put my mind at ease. Someone who was not only my love, but my best friend. Someone who taught me how to smile again. How to laugh. That I could be who I was and he would still love me. He made me feel okay, even when certain things weren't okay. In the beginning, he showed me the most beautiful love.

I thought I had found the one. My soulmate. The person who I could see a future with. The person who I could build a life with.

Then suddenly we were a world apart. But I promised I'd always wait for him and he promised to do the same.

Two months later, everything changed. Things were different between us. He had become cold, angry, and distant. At times, even ignoring me, pushing me away, and forgetting plans we made. I just wasn't a priority in his life anymore. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Worried anything would set off his anger. I spent months lying awake at night, doubting myself. Wondering where I went wrong, if I was good enough, what I could do better. Trying to change who I was to better fit his liking.

Throughout all of it..I lost myself.

I have no idea who that girl was. I was so consumed in my relationship and trying to make it work, I couldn't recognize myself. If I would have listened to my friends and let go, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have lost friends. Maybe I wouldn't have lost myself. Maybe I wouldn't have been living through my boyfriend.

But I continued to fight for my relationship..to try to make it better than it was. Even though deep down, I knew it would never change.

He continued to push me away. He closed himself up. He would even cut off in the middle of a conversation and just disappear. He had given up on trying to fix things. He had given up on us.

I felt alone in this relationship.

It was then I had come to realize that all the words that were said were just words. All of the promises made were all lies. I found out I was not the only girl in his life, or at least he didn't want me to be. For months, he would have moments of extreme jealousy. He would see guys complimenting me and accuse me of liking it more than I should. He would accuse me of cheating and make me feel belittled.

When in reality he was the one who was cheating.

The plans of our future, the words of love, they all came crashing down. They were all replaced with the feeling of pain, betrayal, anger, and sadness. It hurt like hell. This feeling of pain and betrayal sits in the very core of my being. Its like a rotting corpse of our future together that was brutally murdered by his actions. Its foul. It's a stench I have no words for. I can not recognize the person I once had so much love for. Who I poured my heart out to and would have given everything to. He was a stranger.

I had let him in. He broke down all of the walls I had built to protect myself. I let him see all the parts of me, even the dark parts of me. I trusted him with my heart, just for him to walk all over it and treat like everything we had been through was..nothing.

I am the one who is going to have to live with this. Knowing the one person I trusted completely and fully not only betrayed me, but forever destroyed the trust I will place in others. How am I ever supposed to believe in anyone again? I won't be able to. Not fully.

I finally gathered up the courage to end it. To leave this one sided relationship. This toxic relationship. I realize now that at the end I was only holding on to this relationship because I was afraid of being alone. But sometimes being alone is exactly what you need.

So that you can finally see everything clearly.

I had been blinded by love, that I didn't see it for what it truly was. I know now that I'm better off. That I deserve better.

Even though I lost my relationship and a best friend,

I gained something so much better.

Me.

My entire life, I have been trying to fill this void, but nothing ever seemed to stick.

There was always something missing.

I know now,

That missing piece I had always been looking for

was Me.

I needed to find myself again.

To learn to love myself.

I had gone down a self destructive path.

I had not only lost myself, but I lost faith.

But now, I'm ready.

I'm ready to dedicate my life to something better.

I am ready find my faith again. I am ready to surrender all of my fears and worries. I am ready to go down the path that has always been meant for me.

I am finally going down a path where I can see light instead of darkness.

I'm finally on a path to getting better.

I'm finally on a path to learning to love myself.

I'm learning to not let my depression, my thoughts and my feelings consume me.

I am learning to forgive and let go of all that pain and toxicity.

I am learning to finally be in control of my own body and my own mind.

I am learning its also okay to feel emotions. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to not be okay. I know now that I am stronger than the struggles I face. I know I am strong enough to get through anything. There is a reason for everything. My struggles made me stronger and made me the person I am today.

I am learning that things will not always turn out how you planned. And it's okay if they don't.

It's okay if I lose people; if I lose friends. Sometimes it's for the best. I am learning to let go of the toxic people and I know now that I deserve better. I deserve to be made a priority; to be put first for once.

It's okay not to get the perfect score on every exam. Nobody is perfect.

I am learning not to compare myself to others. I was made the way I am for a reason. I am me and that is enough.

I am learning I do not have wear make up everyday. I do not have to play a part. I am beautiful the way I am.

I am learning that we only have one life and I am no longer going to take that for granted.

You only live once, so I'm going to eat that piece of pizza. Or the entire pizza. I earned that pizza.

I'm going to sing my favorite song at the top of my lungs, as if nobody is listening, even if they are.

I'm going to see more movies, even it's by myself.

I'm to make my dreams a reality. I'm going to study hard, graduate and become a Vet Tech.

I'm going travel.

Go on more walks and enjoy the world around me; because sometimes it can actually be beautiful.

Love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally.

I am going to actually live.

I am learning that I DO deserve to be happy. For me and nobody else. I am learning that I AM important. I am ENOUGH. I do MATTER. My happiness matters. My mental health matters.

Life is too short to be anything, BUT happy. Smile & take a deep breathe because everything we are facing is temporary.

After everything, I have finally found my purpose in life. I am finally moving forward.

I can finally see a future that I am in.

The weight on my chest.

It is lifted and I can finally breathe easy.

I overcame

I conquered

I survived.

I am ALIVE and I finally want to be!

[deadlyflan]

Saw this the other day and it's a good brain hour(s?) so I want to play along.

I've been disabled for a few years now. Which is to say that I'm new at it, still surprised by it, tripping over it, and still hunting ways to manage it. But it has been years like this, so I'm also through trying the obvious stuff and I have a pretty good sense of what I can and can't do now.

And yeah. I have spent time trying to figure out what the guys would think of me now. The fantasy has kind of shifted, you know? How would the guys handle a permanently disabled love interest? One with strict dietary restrictions, with severe energy limitations, with sensitivity to light and sound?

Let's pretend the following are true for each love match:

+ We both genuinely care about each other.

+ We have been friends long enough for him to have a good idea of my situation. Probably not aaallll the details, but he's not blindsided by my limits.

+ I'm cohabitating with him, because I absolutely do not have the energy to climb into and out of the sewer 24/7, and because rent in NYC is insane. I'm on disability since i cannot work. It's like I'm custom made to be a stay at home gal.

LEONARDO --

Oh the romance is sweet, but it is brief. This man would be all about 'taking care' of his lover. So very diligent. So ready to accept that there are RULES i have to live by to stay healthy. That totally gels with how he sees his training. Never a day off. Give it your all to stay your best! Very supportive. Very gentle. Very vigilant.

And what can I offer him? I'm always close at hand in a very traditional stay-at-home wife sense. I'm zero security threat to his family--can't get followed back to the lair if you don't leave. I get along well with his father and his brothers. I'm in awe of his discipline and his physique. I adore houseplants and would love to learn bonsai care from him. I don't want or need loud entertainment. I wouldn't be demanding and he wouldn't need to LEAD around me. I am all about meditation and would look forward to helping him relax whenever he wanted.

The issue is Leo's never met a problem he doesn't want to fix. Not in a bad way! He's one of Nature's Helpers. Always ready to rescue the ones he cares about. He's had a lifetime of training that proves MIND OVER MATTER. If you can think it, you can do it. He would be 1,000% ready to help me help myself. Maybe I would get better if I did a little more exercise? Maybe I need more herbal teas? Maybe I could up my meditation practice? Maybe I could try not to sleep so much? Maybe I should talk to Master Splinter about how to... feel better?

Leonardo. My heart. We would fall out hard over him trying to change me. Yes, for the better! Yes, with the best intentions! And yes, of course I want to be less disabled! But I'm not giving up my laundry list of synthetic medications with all the super-science names that creep him out. I'm not pushing my body harder in the gym to try to outrun neurological dysfunctions. Just like he can't bend on his rules for maintaining top ninja body, I can't bend on resting when my body needs it. I could not handle being with a guy who could even suspect that maybe I'm disabled because I'm not trying hard enough. That would break my heart.

And him? Poor guy! He wants to help. He loves his body. He's a physical person. He wants so badly to include his lover in his pursuits. He deserves to have someone to work out with. To have adventurous body-bending sex with. To play chasing games with and to laugh and to sweat with. He would be so lonely with me and not know why.

We're not a good match, I'm afraid.

MICHELANGELO--

Hahaha. Goof Off Twins! We would hang out forever and ever. I get a sofa buddy to snooze against. He gets a cheer section for every video game. No movie is out of bounds! I'll put on my migraine glasses and some earplugs if it's too bright or loud. Wanna have an arts and crafts day? I am there, if I can sit and pause when I need to. Do I love his cat? Oh, Klunk and I are BFFs. Happy to feed the kitty when Mikey's out fighting crime.

The trouble comes in when he suggests something that sounds insanely FUN, and I say YES, because you only live once. And we go spray paint boxcars or shoot paint balls at Wall Street high rises from nearby rooftops or go sewer sliding in all his favorite tunnels. Adrenaline and joy gets me through it, but we still end up coming home early. And I am sick. For days, maybe for weeks afterwards.

Cue the weird mutual guilt jamboree.

"BUT I HURT YOU!"

"But I should have known better!"

"OK. WELL, WE CAN DO SMALLER STUFF."

"Smaller stuff? I don't want to live like I can't have fun."

"I CAN'T LIVE HAVING THE KIND OF FUN THAT HURTS YOU!"

And then Michelangelo tries to have 'gentler' fun and he's miserable and bored and guilty guilty guilty.

And I try to show fewer symptoms and prove I can keep up with him because he's trying so hard for me, but wow. That is not sustainable. I can't even eat the good food he makes. I feel guilty guilty guilty. But if I can't quit being disabled by trying harder for Leo, I sure as heck can't quit being disabled by trying harder for Mikey. I'd be miserable that he's miserable and mad that he's making us both miserable even though it's neither of our faults and I know that, but fuck.

We're not a good match, I'm afraid.

RAPHAEL--

Not a bad idea, actually! He's well-versed in accepting that there's some shit you just got to live with. He's not going to push back on me listening to my body. He's patient with delicate things. And just by virtue of his build, most every human he knows counts as 'delicate,' so it wouldn't be patronizing or because of my situation. He knows that if you want to knit something specific, you have to follow the plan. So even if all my life-rules are annoying sometimes, they keep me healthy in the end, and he would be cool with that. Raphael is full of big emotions: big laughter, big love, big loyalty. I could really thrive with a straightforward guy like that and I would make him feel so wanted and treasured because he'd be the hub my world spins around.

But that's the thing with chronic illness, right? It doesn't stop. It wears on your patience. You want it to respond to treatments. You want it to be predictable. But it isn't. And even with 'best behavior' on my part, there's random flares. There's broken promises to do stuff. There's inexplicable new symptoms and most of them are happening inside where there's no proof to anyone but me. It can feel like I'm giving friends or family the brush off. Like maybe I don't care enough. Or worse, this is how I actually feel about him deep inside.

Raphael and I might be okay. He's not codependent in the slightest. I wouldn't ever keep him from running around with the boys. But I can see him questioning if maybe I'm 'pulling away' during bad flares because of something he did. He's so fast to blame himself! I would have to notice his worry and head it off before he has time to stew in it and spiral into bad feelings.

No, Raphael! It's not you, it's a migraine. No, Raphael! It's not you, it's my heart rate swinging around wildly today. No, Raphael! It's not you, I'm confused. No, not emotionally confused. Literally confused. My brain is. Fog? I think. I put my socks? on? wrong? Can we talk try later? I can't brain. Please help? my feet? socks? But I love you. Promise. Socks Promise. ❤️

We might could make it, but it would be very hard sometimes.

DONATELLO--

Oh, my darling Man of Science. Even before we had dated, the lair became ADA compliant almost overnight. If he'd been pressed, Donatello would have pointed out that ramps are better for skateboards, that having supplies on lower shelves helps his brothers find things more easily, and that Splinter isn't getting any younger so really they were going to install some railings in the bathroom anyways. (It's good he didn't say that because regardless of age, saying things like that about your ninjitsu master will get you a quick smack to the head and some time in the Hashi.)

Donatello would have asked every question possible about my disability as soon as he felt like we were good enough friends. Heck, that's probably how we really got talking. I'm not shy about my medical whatsits, but I do tend to assume that most people don't want to talk about lumbar punctures (Oh, yeah, Donnie. I was numbed at the site, but they hit a nerve while they were in there and I can tell you the exact path of the nerve tree that runs down into my toes on my right leg. Oh, is that the name for that nerve? Cool!) or the current research published for my conditions (Oh, yeah, Donnie. There was a paper put out by the team out of Stanford citing blood cell deformities and possible mitochondrial fragmentation.) Not the sorts of topics I pull out at the dinner table.

But Donatello would be all about it. And asking me questions I don't have answers to, but would write down to ask my doctors. Once we were a couple and very much 'in this together,' I'd love to have him on speakerphone in my appointments as my patient advocate. As long as we has a code word for, 'shh, you're flustering the doctor, dial it back.' Oh wow! To have him in my corner? Not to cure me, but to make sure we're not missing something easy. To confirm I'm not crazy. What a wonderful emotional support!

What could I offer him? I make a mean pop-tart. Haha. No, no. Just like I would be a great sofa partner for Michelangelo, I am all about hanging out in the lab with Donatello. I don't have to be in his lap or in his way. I can pull up a desk chair and a pile of semi-functional oscilloscopes and chill. A book. My phone. Some knitting. Just my water bottle and some deep breathing. Nothing I'm doing can't be interrupted. Tell me your insights, Donatello. I am here for some internet drama, Donnie. Oh, are you hacking corrupt nation-states again? Kickass.

I sleep at all hours, so whenever his insomnia lets him crash, I'm right there as full time pillow person. If he wants to hear about a cool thing, I can tell him stories from podcasts outside of his normal playlist. I would spoil him whenever I could because he does so much for everyone else. But I would be thrilled that he's run off testing his homebrewed surveillance micro drone-swarm with the guys. I think I could balance wanting to smother him in approval, admiration, and affection and never stopping him from being 100% maximum-Donatello.

My only worry would be that he, like Leo, is a fixer. I'd be scared that he would feel responsible for curing me. Especially when faced with some of my more symptomatic days. Which is not... no. That's not what I want or need from him. I just need him: his beautiful, brilliant, witty, and good-natured self. And I would gladly ply him with pop-tarts and good lovin' until he believed me. 💜

That's an OTP, right there.

Which Bayverse turtle would you ACTUALLY date?

Nope. I’m dead ass serious and no, this isn’t one of those quizzes either. This is actually something a bit deeper, something to make you kinda low key look within and actually think about it.

Everyone knows Raphael is my baby, literally my sweetheart. The fucker gets away with murder with just one smirk. Hell I PLAY him. I literally AM HIM. Now, with all that said would I actually be able to have a relationship with Raph? Like an exclusive romantic one? If they were real?!??? HELL. NO.

I said what I said. Hear me out though, Raphael and I are just too much alike. We’d argue constantly. I couldn’t put up with his mood swings and he’s not gonna put up with my attitude. The both of us would do or say shit to really hurt each other’s feelings I just… no. Fucking no. Now as a drinking buddy, Raph is my guy. He’s also my guy I go to when I’m having guy trouble because he will break necks and ask names later. Seriously though, he’d be my best bud but it just wouldn’t work.

Yes I’d still smash 😈

Then we have Donnie and don’t get me wrong my first bay crush was Donnie BUTTTTTTT it was strictly a visual thing. I mean my god the man is freaking gorgeous. Like fucking model gorgeous! Ah hum as I was saying Donnie was just a guy I thought was pretty. His intelligence doesn’t impress me and it bores me. That’s just me being honest. Plus he’s way to smart for me. I couldn’t hold a convo if I tried.

Yes I’d still smash 😈

Mikey’s exuberance and enthusiasm would low key put me on edge. Being as I’m highly anxious I would have to visit with Mikey in small doses. That still wouldn’t stop me from enjoying his cuteness, just not an overload. Although Mikey would be the best bud to toke up with if he partakes.

Yes I’d still smash 😈

Finally there’s Leonardo. The handsome leader in blue has caught my fancy a lot of late for good reason. He could calm these wild storms within me. Not just calm them but help me through them. It’s funny, when you sit back and look at who a person really is, you finally see the why’s and the how's of their world. When I first saw TMNT 2016 I hated Leonardo. Now? Well, let’s just say I know there’s more to the leader than meets the eye. I was foolish to judge him so hastily. I never thought in a million years that Leonardo would be setting the bar for any human man to dare try to jump. So yeah Leo was kinda the underdog that made a huge comeback.

Still in all reality I would be with a Leo. And that used to be something I loathed admitting to. Peculiar how that works out.

So, peeps, who would you really be with, wouldn’t be with and why. Be honest. I’m curious to see what everyone’s answers will be!

[ramblinglaunchedintotheethe-blog]

I just need to put this out there. I don't need anything from anyone. I just need to know that someone will know that I once existed in this world.

I'm 54. I'm more tired than you anyone could know. My entire life has been one long never ending train wreck. I won't bother with the details. I don't tell people about my life for two reasons. It's been so chaotic and filled with trauma for 53 years the few people I've told bits an pieces to think I'm making things up. While I can understand that and I would wonder too, having people accuse me of lying feels like getting stomped on. I'm ashamed to admit it, but sometimes it induces a feeling of rage. I keep it to myself. I don't tell people about my life. I've retreated from the world. I have no family. I have no friends. Despite my attempts to keep myself safe from people they always find a way to go out of their way to f*** me and my life. I cannot work. I'm on disability. I'm soon to be homeless. I haven't the money or means to get a place. I can't do homeless again. I don't have the strength. All this, again because the landlord decided it's too expensive to do repairs. I have no help. I spent $68 of the $100 I had to try to fix the repairs. It's not enough.  There's no housing for people like me. I have to give up the only beings that love me and that I have no love, my pets. They are like my children. That's just the end. The pain. The trauma. It's never going to end. I don't have the means to fix my situation and I'm in agony. I need peace. I've never lived anywhere longer than 3 years and that's only happened a handful of times. I've never known stability. I've never known what it is to be safe. This has to end. I want peace. I don't understand why it's been this way. I don't hurt other people. I don't commit crimes. I'll give people the shirt of my back and the food off my plate. I'm still of no worth or value. I have had depression for a long time. I finally told my therapist how bad it is. Her response was to say "I don't want that to happen......." The End. She said nothing else. She scheduled me for 7 months out. This isn't something I've said to her before. It's not like people who talk about it all the time. I NEVER talk about it because I'm too afraid of getting locked up. I take her response to be a pretty clear sign that Ive made the right decision. She knows it's never going to get better. She knows I have to be the one to end it. It's never going to stop. I'm never going to be safe. It's never going to get better.  First and foremost I absolutely have to find good homes for my fur babies. I can't fail them too. This is just gutting me, but they have to be well cared for and I need peace.

If people read this, know I always tried to be a good person despite the way my life was. I never tried to hurt people. I really have tried. This is just what my life was meant to be and I just can't take anymore. Sorry for the poor grammar/spelling/typos.

[lain-connected]

is it really worth it? [ 26 expressions of life]

i often find that i spend a lot of my time wondering this, wondering about the people ive lost, thinking about those that i may have hurt.

is it really worth it?

i punish myself for not being good enough, excited enough, invested enough, interesting enough for others to care about me.

is it really worth it?

i find myself in the worst moods, trying to stay positive but everything seems to remind me just how bad the odds are stacked against me becoming successful.

is it really worth it?

i fear to reach out and speak with others who put themselves out there, worrying that my messages and wishes will only be drowned in a sea of ignorance and nonsense they have in their inboxes.

is it really worth it?

i make artwork and music with my whole heart and soul, pouring years into learning, grinding, studying, practicing again and again, just to release something im proud of, that nobody seems to notice.

is it really worth it?

i wake up every morning in pain, sore throat, aching all over, sweaty face, itchy skin, not looking the way i wish i could look.

is it really worth it?

i climb look in the mirror before climbing in the shower, seeing a body that doesn't feel like my own, muscles, hair, shoulders, a stature that some might find attractive, but to me its a memory of someone i used to think i was.

is it really worth it?

standing in the shower i think of all of these things, questioning why i can't be rich enough to pay for surgeries and healthcare, to fix these issues and make a new version of myself, to shape and change my physical form to one that i feel more comfortable with.

is it really worth it?

before i climb out of the shower, i sit down in the bathtub. letting water spill down my scalp i wonder if i really was just worthless to the people who left me, to those i hurt without intending or to those who used to be friends but have since faded.

is it really worth it?

i remember the times as a kid, growing up in a world already dominated with technology, with industrial and electronic giants trying to dictate and influence everyone, feeding them ideas and building algorithms to sell their ideas back to them.

is it really worth it?

as i grew older, these algorithms and media platforms became a shadow, taking one click, one single thought i have, and turning it into pages worth of content to influence my mind and trap me under another trend or niche.

is it really worth it?

i never really had a healthy childhood, most of the time i felt sick or stressed, worried about my parents, worried about myself, afraid we didn't have enough money, afraid that my parents didn't mean to give birth to me, afraid to speak.

is it really worth it?

i think that it has to be, i can't give up after everything i've learned, all the time i've spent to grow and understand more about others, to cherish them and develop empathy for other people, even if i felt no real empathy from them.

it is worth it.

every day i feel this pain, i let it push me to become better, to fight harder, to work even more on my artwork, my dialogues, my writing, my music, everything.

it is worth it.

no matter what anyone else says, no matter how little they seem to care, no matter how lonely i may feel, i must keep pushing and creating, i must do it for myself.

it is worth it.

even if i never really knew myself, or was able to develop a true personality that i felt was " me " i've been able to learn what it means to care about others and help them, what it means to feel love and to miss it.

it is worth it.

i may have grown up in a world where our minds are guided and lured by constant stimulus, constant anger, constant madness from an entire world of people. but that also means i've connected to each and every one of them i've met, trying to help them grow as well.

it is worth it.

how can i ever become the person i truly want to be, and live the life i truly want to live, if i just give up? how could i ever look myself in the mirror or look at my parents who have given me so much, if not just food to eat and somewhere to sleep, if i just give up? how could i ever return to my art, ever pick up another instrument again, if i just gave up?

it is worth it.

all the people who've left me behind, all the love that i've lost, just taught me what it felt like to lose what you cherish. i didn't really understand how you could miss something that seemed so painful or difficult, until losing those i held closest to me, i didn't value them enough at the time or care enough about them and only now can i truly understand that.

it is worth it.

regardless of how sick or tired i feel, regardless of how bad my mood is or how stressful it is to exist, i keep pushing forward because i believe in myself. when nobody else was there i believed in myself, when nobody else saw it, i stood up for myself. when it felt like the entire world was weighing on my shoulders, i carried that weight.

it is worth it.

those showers never get easier, those losses never feel right, i still think about those times a lot, but now i know that it wasn't my fault for failing, you never understand what you've done wrong or what you've missed until you truly lose it.

it is worth it.

i may not be rich, i may not currently be able to change myself physically to look the way i feel like i should, i may not be able to currently afford things that i need, but i know that someday i might, and if there is a chance that i could, why would i ever give that chance up?

it is worth it.

even if nobody notices the work i put in, the time i invest into them or the scene, even if nobody truly respects the amount of my soul i've put directly into this, i shouldn't expect them to. how could they have ever understood my pathway when they haven't even begun to walk in my shoes?

it is worth it.

i don't need to try and act or behave a certain way just to make others find me interesting, i don't need to change parts of who i really am or put on a show just to get a response from someone. if they don't have time to spend with me or to meet me halfway, i should just let them go and try to move on with my life, find more healthy alternatives than over-extending my soul.

it is worth it.

even though i may not have everything yet, i have more than a lot of people do, a place to sleep, food to eat, water to drink, a roof, this computer, my phone, my guitar, games, anime, lots of things that i should be very grateful to experience. a lot of these things are hard to come by for others, especially in other countries and civilizations, its too easy to take them for granted.

it is worth it.

i do not deserve to die, nobody does.

[zebra-warrior]

Five things I'm greatful for and then some.

1. My parents. I honestly couldn't ask for a better set of parents than I have. As a kid we didn't have much money. My parents wanted to purchase a nice house to raise me in so I had the best environment to grow up in possible but in choosing the home they did everyting else was very tight but they never made it feel that way. Back in the day when crafting and building things were less expensive than buying them (boy have things changed with crafting) if we didn't have someting they would make it. I remember a lot of my friends would have birthday parties at places like Chuck E. Cheese, Magic Mountain, the Zoo or a skating rink. My parants didn't really have the money to do that and what they had they would have rather spent on a nice present for me so my mom would decorate the house and my dad would go out and mow the grass really short. They would dig holes in the ground and put PVC pipe in the holes that my dad would get at work from the dumpster and turn our back yard into a put put course. They would put up a vollyball net and crochet set and we would use big workshop vice grip clamps and turn them upside down as putters. The house they bought already had a swing set and swimming pool so I would have pool parties and with magic mountain in my own back yard. It was a lot of work but not a lot of money even though to me it felt like they spent a fortune. Everyone always looked forward to my birthday parties as a kid. They were always a bit hit. Not to mentuon sidewalk chalk was someting they also would splurge on so setting up the driveway with lots of fun stuff was something my dad liked to do. He used to like drawing with chalk as much as I did. As I got older they always made things work. When I began getting bullied at school I was switched to a private home school coop. Which my great grandma who was also the best grandma ever paid for knowing my parents couldn't and she couldn't stand seeing me hurt the way I was but my mom would drive me 35 minutes to school, drive almost an hour to work then after work wound drive almost an hour to pick me up and then 35 minutes back home every day for 3 years until I got my driver's license. She was so excited for me to get my license she took me a month early for my T

temps. I told her it was too early and she said it wasn't and whan I got there they said come back next month lol. I never wanted to drive. I was always afraid but she couldn't get me to the BMV fast enough lol. My parents also taught me a lot about the value of money and work ethic and now say they taught me too well because I'm known to shop for several months for something more costly that I need like contact lenses in order to find the best price, all coupons and all rebates and sales available. I got my first job at age 11 and was able to buy my first car myself, pay for college myself without taking out one loan and buy my first home outright and as a foreclosure to remodel and fix up how I wanted it to look. My second car was the only thing I've ever taken out a loan on. When I got sick and OSU tried to put me in a nursing facility my parents offered to help me sell my house and take me back in with open arms so I could be cared for in their home instead of a long term care facility. They still help me to this day cooking for me, driving me to appointments when I can't use transportation services, cleaning and helping me bathe myself. I now pay them rent and utilities as well as half of groceries and personal needs of my dog and myself not because I think for a second they would dump me into a long term care faculty if I didnvt but because it's the right thing to do. This ties in with family but I'm so very greatful and thankful to still have my mom. She was on life support after having her liver cut into during a botched surgery which resulted in a full blown liver rupture. It was the hands down the scariest moment of my life. We weren't sure she would make it and her doctors couldnt even give us that reassurance but she did everyting ahead of schedule and all I had to hold on to was her promise that she wasn't going anywhere. She kept that promises and on the day she was released the nurse that called when she began crashing came into the room shocked she was alive and admitted that she was sure my mom wasn't going to make it and that was the end for her. She was completely amazed my mom was still here. My mom was caught in the battle of her life, a battle she should have never had to fight and now has PTSD because of the experience but she's alive. My mom is here. I know a lot of adults have already lost a parent and I can't imagine the pain. Having my parants bring really the only family members I have a close relationship with and being my caregivers, I don't know what I wouls do without them. I would probably be in some nursing home somewhere without them. With my dad has Autism, though he was able to work, my mom paid bills, did most of the shopping as my dad can't use a debit card. But my mom does most of the money, paperwork and phone call related stuff for him so I can't imagine how life would even be able to continue without her. Or my dad. They both have two totally different rolls and being disabled I need them more than ever so I couldn't be happier this is in the past but couldn't be more upset or had to happen to begin with. In Ohio doctors are protected against medical malpractice and though she almost lost her life and will have life long physical complications and likely somewhat shorter of a life due to these complications she will never get the revenge she deserves and the doctor didn't even get a slap on the hand for what he did to her body and with now having PTSD, her mind.

2. Maggie: This dog has rolled with the punches and adapted flawlessly. She's my best friend and fur daughter. She picked up cardiac alert from my last baby Sandy and took to training to be able to use that ability as a career line a champ. I have seen her blossom from the puppy from heck. (no offend Ma-mag) but she would literally rip wallpaper off the wall with her teeth, it took 8 months to housebreak her and there was no such thing as no in her dictionary. She got into everything but I've since learned that was only because she was so intelligent and always curious because once she began training she excelled and grew into the most trusting and obedient dog I've ever had. Not only that but she thrived on structure. When working she walks on the leash beside me just fine but when I put her on my lap at that point nothing can stop her. She sits up all straight, sticks her chest out and thinks her poop doesn't smell. My lap is her thrown. I don't mind because she can alert just as well up there as she can waking, if not better because she doesnt have to try as hard to get my attention in loud and busy places. Not only is she obedient but when she's not formally working, even at 8 years old she's still very playfil and silly, always doing things to make me laugh or my heart melt. She's a velcro dog so I've always got a snuggle buddy and someone to keep me warm and my face coated in a layer if dog spit lol. I got her the day before I got my first pacemaker and she was the first one to sit at my bedside when I came out if surgery for my second one. As I went from a much closer to healthy individual who would take her on long walks and when stuck in a terrible relationship I would walk she and Sandy some days for several hours a day, sitting around the pond eating snacks, going into every store in walking distance that allowed pets and exploring the neighborhood to much sicker, in a chair with her only real walks occurring when she worked outside the home and a much more stagnant lifestyle Maggie never loved me any less, if anyting she loved me more because to my surprise she fell in love with my wheelchair and head over hills for my powerchair. When I turn my power chair on it makes a chiming sound and whan she hears that sound she makes a mad dash for the room I'm in begging for a ride. In her mind these changes in my life had made me no less the mommy to her as I was before. She is one person (yes I will call her a person) who I can count on to always love me no matter what. If it wasn't for her, I don't think I woukd he here. This conditon has made me want to go to bed and not wake up more than once and she's saved me every time and I can't thank her enough for being such a good girl.

3. My neighbor Pam has been my neighbor since I was 5 years old so she's been in my life most of my life and much more than any family member outside my household has ever been. She's basically my aunt or a second mom to me. As a kid she helped in reaching me the value of money and hard work my giving me my first two jobs at age 11. She has me clean her primates cages and prepare food for them not only teaching me the values of good, hard work but further fostering my love for animals. She's always had the primates as well as dogs and cats I would take care of when she was out of town. I was the first kid I knew to have a real job even if it was part time. It wasn't much later that I began babysitting her grandson who even now that he's grown and I no longer talk to him, I think if him as a little brother to me. He was the most well behaved kid I ever babysat and boy was it an eye opener when I started babysitting a lot of other kids in the neighborhood and saw how some kids can really act lol. Pam has always been there for me and my family. She would take me on summer trips sometimes like I remeber a trip to Wyndot Lake that really was a blast and she has always treated me like family. We have a key to her house and she has one to ours. When I got to the age I could stay home alone I never woried too much about if I couldnt find my key or the screen door was locked because I always knew she was just a short walk away if I needed help. She watchs our houses and we watch hers contacting each other if we see anyone or anyting unusual. She comes over each year for Christmas dinner and will occasionally surprise my parents by bringing over a soup she made or some cookies she baked and last summer sent a Chimney Sweep to our house because she knew my mom needed a break and we like to have fires in the winter but haven't had our Chimney cleaned in a while. For my 16th birthday she took my awe dry car to her business at the airport to clear coat it with the same material used to clear coat jets and whan I got sick I didn't have to worry because she is always nearby. Before I got transportation services she was always willing to drive me to my medical appointments and with Corona, she helped with shopping. Over the summer we could pick anyone in our family to go on a trip to the zoo with us my dad's last year of work and we chose my neighbors and had a great time. We may not be family by blood but my neighbor is my family. Not many people are lucky enough to have a neighbor they get along with or even care for yet ours is closer than extended family and for that I'm thankful.

4. My home. I couldn't be more lucky when my parents bought this house. It's almost as if they knew that when I grew up I would be in a chair. We live in a one story floor plan with a kitchen. That has an island in the middle so if I have someting I hand its still easy to just grab the counter and zip around in a circle to any part of the kitchen I need to get to. Before the passing of my grandma, she used a walker and wheelchair so my dad had already installed a ramp in our garage so I went into this journey with access to my home. My home is also set up so my dad found easily set up a ramp onto the back porch. I have always had a large bedroom, bigger than most people I know. It's similar in size to a master bedroom and being in a chair, thats very much a necessity now. In a chair you need a lot more room to navigate an area efficiently. Of course my home is far from perfect. The bathrooms are much too small to be truly accessable so I have to make due with what I have and my bathroom. Needs despiratly to be remodeled. Unfortunatly the bath tub that was put into my bathroom could quite possibly be the most unexcwssable bathtub for someone in a wheelchair in existence. I don't have a pull down closet nor do I have pull down cabinets in the kitchen or appliances I can easily use. I don't have a stove that rises and lowers or countertops that are at my height it an elevating powerchair to be able to reach those areas. Even the microwave is a Hazzard but as far as manuverability we have that. I can access every too. In our home except our basement and one part of a bathroom we have. It would be easier to menuvour here if my parants didn't have so mucb stuff and such big bulky furniture it I think that's also part of living with my parents. They have more life experience and more stuff but it's doable. Not everyone is lucky enough. After becoming disabled to have a home that's usable or has porential. Many were forced to move after getting sick or disabled. I was forced to move out of my home but my parents home is usable and I can't be more happy for this home.

5. Doctor Joseph and his staff. I went 30 years of my life unable to get help for this condition slowely robbing more and more from my body. When I came across Dr Joseph they were something I had never seen in the medical community. This was all new to me. I entered into a facility of four of the most caring and compassionate individuals I've ever encountered. I finally found a doctor who specializes in my conditon and he was just over a half hour away. But only was he familliar with the disease but also the comorbidities, Misconceptions, PTSD we have all faced from others who hold some form of medical degree and how we likely have no one to advocate for us and we have been on our own literally fighting through the pain and suffering. For appropriate medical treatment to only be dealt more pain and suffering. When he took me on I was the sickest I've ever been in my life and I so much pain I frankly can't believe I hadn't taken my life much before even hearing about him not only did he take me on as a patient knowing how big of a project I would be after over 200 doctors in the past saw me and just pushed me off but he never gave up, hasn't given up and I don't see him giving up on me in the future. His staff has fought tooth and nail with insurance companies on my behalf, files formal complaints about hospital care for me, brought me in on days they were fully booked to try to help me and spent weekends and holidays on the phone with my mom and the hospital angerly fighting with them to do the right thing and provide appropriate care. They may have not listened to him, learned to hate him and failed me terribly but at least I can't say my doctor and his staff didn't try. His wife came in on her day off to fight with my insurance company and they have helped me find the right goverment officials to contact with problems. The goverment officials may not have done anything but again, at least I can say they tried and that says a lot about a doctor. I. Not on the best treatment and the battle still continues to get me into a surgeon, gst testing completed and fight for more than the fifth or sixth best medication. They treat me no different than they would treat their own family members and that is something I've never seen in a doctor. I have seen improvement. It may not be as much as they would like but every bit of improovment is because the continue to fight to me, continue to teach me to advocate for myself and refuse to give up on me just because I'm a complicated case. I couldn't thank his office more for what they have done and continue to do each day.

I know that's five but just to list a few, I'm thankful for my late dog Sandy, my late Great Grandma, nature and other non harmful animals that cross my path, my local church, my online friends and the availability of support groups, the internet, with the virus I'm thankful for the new door that has opened for those of us who are homebound with all of these vertual tours and other New online resources that open the world up to us from our beds and couches, that I still have my mind, my manual and powerchair as I would have no way to access anyting, including my own house without them, the nice days after the ground has dried up and I'm able to roll around my yard and around the garden. To re-establish a love for crafting. My cricut and sewing machine and mich more. So just because there are things I'm very upset with in this world doesn't mean there aren't things I'm thankful for.

#myEDSchallenge #myHSDchallenge