#so I would have to talk to the vet about what that vaccination schedule would look like

[verdaneart]

I cannot stress enough how important it is to treat ANY animals you have with care.

Do your research BEFORE getting anything

ADOPT from reputable shelters, NEVER BUY from stores, breeders, or strangers

ALWAYS SPAY AND NEUTER cats and dogs (Good shelters should have already done it if possible and safe at the time)

Properly VACCINATE your animals as their vet recommends

MICROCHIP YOUR CATS AND DOGS, EVEN IF THEY DON'T GO OUTSIDE

Ask their vet for an APPROPRIATE DIET, and KEEP UP WITH IT

DO NOT feed them anything that is NOT confirmed to be SAFE by a credible source

Regularly SOCIALIZE and/or play with your animals (I'm talking kindness every day)

If they go outside, SUPERVISE them, and it's best they have a leash

KEEP YOUR POOR CATS INSIDE FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE AND THEIR OWN FUCKING SAFETY. NO EXCUSES.

CHECK IN on their health and well-being REGULARLY. Even just being around them and socializing correctly can tell you when things are off

SCHEDULE VET VISITS for AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR like any normal doctor

If something is wrong, and you don't know what, do a bit of research, and if you can't pin it down as a specific (harmless/non-threatening) thing, TAKE THEM TO THE VET ASAP

DO NOT GIVE PETS AS GIFTS WITHOUT EXTENSIVE PLANNING WITH THE FAMILY THAT WOULD RECEIVE THEM. MANY PETS ARE A 10 YEAR COMMITMENT OR LONGER.

"But my cat needs time outdoors to entertain/sustain/whatever themselves"

You are OPENLY admitting that you cannot take care of that cat, or are too lazy to try. Letting cats roam freely outside also puts them in MASSIVE DANGER from things like vehicles, people, chemicals, pesticides, poisons, diseases, parasites, other animals, physical animal "repellants", and COUNTLESS OTHER HAZARDS. The average outdoor cat lives only 5 years or less, while the average indoor cat lives upwards of 15 to 20 years. If you want to let your cat enjoy some time outside, there's FAR SAFER options, like a cat leash, closed pet stroller, pop-up catio tent, or permanent catio. Fences CANNOT keep a cat in your yard for long, and many hazards can still get past your fence anyways. Outdoor cats- both feral and domestic- are responsible for countless deaths of small wildlife, threatening many species and driving others to extinction. The cats don't understand that, so we have to understand the dangers for them.

"What about Feral Colonies/Barn cats?"

Feral Colonies can be properly maintained if needed, or adopted out if possible. Many known colonies are cared for and monitored by nearby individuals in cooperation with a local rescue. The caretaker is generally responsible for feeding them and monitoring for changes in health or population. Rescues are then responsible for TNR (Trap, Neuter/Spay, Return), recording health/population, treating injured cats, and evaluating individuals for potential adoption, as well as removing any kittens to be raised and adopted. If done correctly and for long enough, the colony can eventually reach a generation where none of them are feral anymore and they all find homes.

To avoid the euthanasia of thousands of innocent animals, we MUST care for the ones we have now.

If anyone has more questions, literally just ask. I'll do my best to answer all I can, and provide resources when possible.

Euthanasia season? Please don't tell that is people deciding to euthanise because of the holidays....

It's not BECAUSE of the holidays but euthanasias do tend to increase during the holiday season. Iirc It's mostly because families are usually together at this time. One of the vets I work with thinks it's also due to colder weather being harder on senior animals.

[entropicquilibriumofchaos]

Dog Days of Fall

In which a dog groomer gets an adorable new customer with an interesting owner.

Will Graham/Original Female Character

READ IT ON AO3

Dog hair everywhere . That’s the joy of grooming a German Shepherd that is blowing his coat. He yipped and danced around as if the high velocity dryer was spitting fire at him. It wasn’t, of course.

“We do this every time, Gunner,” I spoke, exasperated, “And you haven’t died yet.”

He responded by trying to bite at the air coming out of the dryer, leading to some visuals that would be terrifying if I didn’t know that he was a sweetheart. 

We continued our little dance until he was fully dry. I gave him one more run through with the brush to get rid of any of his summer coat that remained before grabbing the nail clippers. Gunner whimpered as I sat down next to him and reached for his paw.

“You’re so dramatic, big boy,” I laughed as I began to clip his nails. He was good for it besides a little squirming. 

Finished with his groom, I unclipped him from the harness and he quickly jumped down from the table and shook out his coat before running to the half door that separated my workspace from the front desk. As I made my way over to open the door for him, I noticed a man sitting in the lobby with a medium sized dog. He didn’t seem to notice me, in fact he was staring off into space like he was in his own world. The dog however, perked up when it heard Gunner start to scratch at the door.

“Quit that,” I whispered to him before clearing my throat and catching the man’s attention, “Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in! Do you have an appointment?”

The man immediately snapped out of whatever trance he was in and stood up as I maneuvered around Gunner to keep him behind the door as I went to the desk. The stubborn shepherd jumped up on the door and looked over before barking at the newcomer. The man smiled at my rowdy customer and I mouthed “sorry” before going back to Gunner.

“Get down, you oaf. Your mom will be here soon,” I said and gently shoved him back into the room before shutting the upper half of the door as well. I sighed and turned back to the stranger. “I’m sorry, he’s a gentle giant, but he’s got the mouth of a sailor.” 

The man just smiled as I made my way back to the desk. 

“I don’t have an appointment, my apologies,” he explained, not quite making eye contact with me. “But I just rescued this little guy and he’s got some pretty bad matts towards his tail. I didn’t want to hurt him by trying to get them out myself.” 

I rummaged around the papers on my desk as I looked for my schedule. Thankfully, Gunner was my last groom for the day.. I looked over at the dog and spotted the mats his dad was talking about. Eager to get a closer look, I made my way around the desk and knelt down next to the dog, noticing the streaks of black running through his brown fur. “Do you mind if I…” I trailed off, motioning to touch the dog. 

“Not at all,” he responded and I reached forward to let the dog sniff my hand. 

“What’s their name? I asked as it licked my hand. 

“Winston,” the man replied, kneeling down to pat him on the head as well. “I found him the other night wandering on the road on my way home. We just got back from the vet to see if he was microchipped.” 

I frowned, upset at the thought that someone abandoned this beautiful little mutt. “Poor boy,” I said softly, stroking under his chin, “Seems like you’re better off now anyway, Winston”

The man smiled before directing me to the matts. I lifted them gently before sighing again. “They don’t look too bad. I don’t have anything booked for right now so if he’s up to date on his vaccinations I can take him back and see what I can do,” I explained while standing up. 

The man finally made eye contact with me, although briefly, I felt my breath catch in my lungs. Not sure how I didn’t catch it before, but this man was gorgeous, in a rough around the edges type of way. His hair, although cropped relatively close to his head, was curly and unruly. He looked tired, but the slight bags under his eyes just made the green of his irises pop even more behind a pair of thin wire glasses. 

As abruptly as it started, he looked away, reaching into his pocket for something as I internally scolded myself for getting googly eyes at a customer. 

“I’ve got his vaccination records right here,” he said, handing me the papers as I walked back behind the desk and pulled out an intake form and put it on a clipboard. I handed it to him with a pen. 

“If you could just fill out this form while I make a copy of this,” I instructed, waving the vaccination records slightly. 

“Of course,” he muttered, taking the clipboard and pen.  

I sat down and ran the records through my scanner. As it ran through, I shoved a couple papers into a neat-ish pile so the extremely handsome dog with the adorable dog didn’t think I was a slob. An attempt was made, at least. 

While the man filled out the necessary paperwork, my attention was drawn to the door as the bell on top rang. Coming in was a familiar face.

“Hey Jen! I’ll go grab Gunner for you and then we can get you settled.” I explained with a smile. The man noticed the commotion and took the clipboard to a seat to finish filling it out, Winston following dutifully behind him. 

As soon as the door opened, the german shepherd shaped bullet flew out and towards his mom, who just wrapped her arms around his neck and laughed before putting his collar and leash on. 

I got Jen squared away with her payment as normal, only occasionally stealing looks at the stranger in the corner. He’d finished the paperwork and was scratching behind Winston’s ears, who was thoroughly enjoying it with his tongue out and head leaning into the scratches. 

Jen caught me looking and snuck a glance as well. “New customer?” She asked, raising her eyebrows. Not only was Jen a customer, but she was a long time friend as well. A friend that had been trying to set me up with every guy and girl in the greater of Washington D.C.

I gave her a stern “shut up” look and she just giggled back at me. “You’re awful,” I whispered.

Instead of replying, she just took her credit card and grinned at me, “See you later, Teck!”, before leading Gunner out of the door. 

Exasperated, I shook my head and turned my attention back to the man, who had returned to the desk with clipboard in hand. 

“Thanks for squeezing him in,” he said as I took the form off of the clipboard and ran it through my scanner. 

“It’s my pleasure,” I responded with a smile, handing him the vaccination records back. “If you want to bring him back we can get started.”

He nodded and I opened the door to the grooming room to let him enter. 

“Excuse the mess, Gunner is blowing his summer coat right now and I didn’t exactly get the chance to tidy up.” I explained as a whirl of dog hair drifted on the ground as the door opened. I quickly grabbed a broom as Winston sniffed at the hair. 

“Not a problem. I’ve-” he paused to chuckle lightly “I’ve got six more at home. I’m intimately familiar with the taste of dog fur.”

When I finished sweeping, I wrangled up my detangling oil and a stiff metal brush and set them on the table. “Alrighty Winston, let’s get you cleaned up.”

His owner wrapped his arms around the dog and lifted him up, setting him down gingerly on the table as I tried not to stare at his arms. 

Maybe I should go on the date with whoever Jen sets me up with next.

I grabbed the bottle of oil and poured a little bit over the matts and started to work it in before looking up to the man. “It shouldn’t take too long for me to get these out… you can stay here or I can call you when I’m finished. Either one is fine.” 

He looked down at his watch before giving Winston a firm head pat. “I’ve just got to run to Quantico. I should be back before you’re done.” 

I nodded as I worked the oil through the tangled fur. “Not a problem.”

He grabbed a small card out of his pocket before scribbling something on it and leaving it on the table. “If anything happens, just give me a call.” 

“Can do,” I responded before he gave an awkward nod and walked quickly out of the room.

As soon as I heard the office door jingle shut, I grabbed the card and inspected it. Sure enough, a phone number written in black ink. On the other side of the card, however, was something much more interesting. 

Agent William Graham

Adjunct Instructor

Forensic Psychology 

Suite #321

In the corner of the card, the FBI National Academy was embossed in silver ink. I ran my finger over the seal, finding it slightly raised and now, slightly oily. 

“Damn Win, you’re dad’s an FBI Agent?” I breathed, slightly shocked. Winston just looked at me with big, confused eyes. “You’re a lucky pup.”

In all, it took exactly seventy-three minutes to get the matts out of Winston’s coat. It took a bit of sweat and tears (no blood, thankfully), but I managed to get all of his matts out without shaving too much. There were two larger matts near the base of his tail that needed to be shaved, but other than that, his coat was now clean and healthy. I gave him a little spritz of apple cider pet cologne and helped him off the table before putting his collar back on. 

It was exactly seventy- seven minutes before William Graham re-entered my salon.

He burst through the door looking flustered, but almost immediately after he saw Winston his face softened. Winston barked happily at his owner’s feet and he scratched his head with a smile. 

“Sorry I’m late,” he sighed, looking up to me, but again, not looking at me. “I got caught up in some… work.” 

I waved my hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it, we just finished up anyway. Winston is matt-free and all good to go!” 

“Thank you so much,” he said, reaching into his pocket, “What do I owe you?”

I started to reply, but stopped for a second as I watched Winston wag his tail happily. 

“Don’t worry about it,” I decided with a full heart.

William stood shock-still before responding, “I’ve got to give you something. I didn’t even have an appointment.”

I shook my head. “I’m serious. I’m not having you pay to fix someone else’s mistreatment. I’m just glad I could help out.” I replied, standing firm in my decision. 

Finally, for the second time that day, I caught his eyeline. He looked even more weary than he did when he came in earlier. Curiously, I found myself wondering what had happened in the last hour and a half that could drain someone like that. 

He seemed to search my eyes like I searched his, but instead of shying away, I held his gaze for as long as he held mine. 

He broke eye contact before continuing, “I have to give you something.” He repeated. 

Stubbornly, I shook my head.

He sighed and put his wallet away. “Well if I can’t pay you directly… how about I buy you coffee sometime?”

My heart skipped a beat. I had the intense urge to pinch myself, but refrained. 

“Uh, um,” I stuttered, before taking a breath. “I’d like that.” I said with a shy smile, suddenly feeling very insecure. The butterflies in my stomach were having a house party and I felt like I was about to throw up or shit my pants or something. 

“I get off work around four tomorrow,” he said looking at his watch again, “Does that work for you?”

I nodded, “Yeah. My last appointment starts around two-thirty so I should be done by then. Do you have any place in mind?”

He shrugged. “I don’t really have a preference.”

“There’s a cafe a couple doors down?” I suggested. “We could just meet here and then walk over?” I could feel the blush creeping up my cheeks. 

He smiled. “Sounds perfect, I’ll - uh - I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

“See you tomorrow.” I replied as he strode towards the door with Winston in tow. 

He opened the door, but turned before going through. “I just realized I never got your name,” he stated. 

“Oh my gosh, I’m sorry” I fumbled, “I’m Tekla.”

William grinned one more time as Winston pulled on his leash. “Will Graham. Thank you again, Tekla.”

“It was my pleasure, Will,” I responded, as the door shut. 

I was still for a moment; keeping a hawk-eye on the door in case, for some reason, Will walked back through. After a moment, I collapsed into my desk chair with a huff before grabbing a pen. 

I located my calendar and wrote while whispering, “Date… with… Will…” Once finished, I set the pen down and leaned back in the chair, staring at the ceiling. A thought popped into my head and I laughed out loud. 

“Jen is going to be so proud of me.”

[groupdelwar]

Taking Care of Your Furry Friends with the Herd Health Manager

Hey there, fellow animal lovers! Have you ever wondered how farmers and pet owners keep their animals happy and healthy? Well, let us introduce you to a magical tool called the Herd Health Manager! It might sound a bit fancy, but don't worry – we're here to break it down in simple terms.

What's the Herd Health Manager?

Imagine you have a bunch of animal pals – cows, sheep, horses, or even dogs and cats. Just like humans, these cute creatures can sometimes get sick or feel a bit under the weather. That's where the Herd Health Manager comes in. It's like a superhero for your pets and farm animals, helping to keep them fit as a fiddle!

How Does It Work?

Think of the Herd Health Manager as a watchful guardian. It keeps track of your animal buddies' health records, like their check-ups, vaccinations, and any medicines they might need. Just like how your parents might have a folder with all your important papers, the manager keeps everything organized and in one place.

Why Is It Important?

Good question! Animals can't really talk to us like humans can. They can't say, "Hey, I don't feel so good today." So, the Herd Health Manager acts as their voice. It helps farmers and pet owners know when their animals need some extra love and care. When an animal's health record is updated in the manager, it's like sending an alert that says, "Hey, something's up – let's take action!"

Keeping Track of Stuff

Imagine if you had to remember all the times your pets went to the doctor, got shots, or took medicine. That would be tough, right? The Herd Health Manager keeps an eye on all of that. It's like having a super organized diary that never forgets.

Preventing Problems

Remember the saying, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"? Well, the Herd Health Manager is like a master at prevention. It helps spot any little signs that your animals might not be feeling their best. By catching these signs early, farmers and pet owners can help prevent bigger problems down the road.

FAQs about the Herd Health Manager:

Is the Herd Health Manager only for farms?

Nope! It's for all animal lovers – whether you have one pet or a whole farm.

Can it tell me when my pet needs a check-up?

Absolutely! It keeps track of those important dates.

How does it let me know if something's wrong?

It sends alerts or messages to remind you to check on your animals.

Can I use it for my pet hamster too?

Of course! Any animal, big or small.

Is it easy to use? I'm not great with technology.

Don't worry! It's designed to be super user-friendly.

What if I forget to update the manager?

Life happens! But the more you update, the better it works.

Does it work offline?

Some versions might, but online is more efficient.

Can multiple people in my farm or family use it?

Yes, many versions allow sharing among authorized users.

Is my data safe?

The good ones have security measures, just like online banking.

Does it cost a lot?

It varies, but think of it as an investment in your animals' health.

Can it help with training schedules too?

Absolutely! It can store training plans and remind you when it's time.

Can I see all my animals' health info at once?

That's the beauty of it – yes!

Does it work with smartphones?

Most do! It's like having a pet health app.

Can it remind me when to buy pet food?

If you set it up, yes!

Does it work for exotic animals, like snakes?

In many cases, yes.

Can it remind me to clean my pets' living areas?

If you program it to, sure thing!

What if I have an emergency? Can it help?

It's not a replacement for a vet, but it can help you stay organized.

Is it only for physical health, or does it track behavior too?

Some versions track behavior changes too.

Can I print my animals' health records from it?

In many cases, yes.

Do I need Wi-Fi all the time for it to work?

It depends on the version, but not always.

Can I set up reminders for other pet-related tasks?

Definitely! It's like your personal pet assistant.

Is it like a social media for pets too?

While some versions have sharing features, it's mostly about health.

Can it remind me when to give my pets treats?

If you want it to, sure!

Does it only work for mammals, or does it cover birds and fish too?

Many versions cover all kinds of animals.

Can it tell me if my animals are getting along with each other?

It's not a mind reader, but if you track behaviors, you might get some hints.

Remember, the Herd Health Manager isn't just a tool – it's a friend that helps you take the best care of your animal buddies. So, whether you're a farmer with a field full of animals or a pet owner with a cozy home, this magical manager has your back – or should we say, your furry friend's back!

[storiesfromthevet]

One of my favorite stories, from when I was answering the phone at a clinic starts like this:

“Hello, this ABC Vet Clinic speaking, how can I help you?”

“RODNEY?”

“No ma’am, this is ABC Vet office.”

“TONY?”

“I’m sorry you may have the wrong number this is storiesfromthevet at the ABC Vet Clinic.”

“JACKSON????”

At this point the name Jackson rang a bell since we were supposed to have a Jackson come in for a vaccine appointment but they had missed their scheduled appointment, so I asked, “Are you calling to reschedule Jackson’s appointment today?”

“RESCHEDULE? RESCHEDULE!? I NEED TO MAKE A FUCKING APOINTMENT!”

“Oh ok when would you like to come in then?”

“COME IN? YOU WANT ME TO COME IN? WITH COVID, I AM A IMMUNOCOMPROMISED INDIVIDUAL, AND YOU WANT ME TO COME IN????”

At this point in time almost all covid restrictions have been lifted, but I understood her concern (but not the yelling) so instead I suggested, “We do drop offs as well, we can pick your pet up from you car without interacting with you at all and talking to exclusively on the phone, including taking a card number to pay for the visit.”

“YOU THINK I HAVE A CAR? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? I CAN’T DO THAT!”

“Well the doctor also does home visits but those typically run more expensive.”

“YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU WHERE I LIVE????”

At this point I was running out of suggestions, short of her taking a taxi and doing a drive by while she throws her dog out the window I did not know what she expected us to do. After some back and forth that included many cures words, continues screaming and many other problems, finally we decided she would come in next Friday. So I started to take her information, which may seem like an expected innocuous task, but was my next mistake.

“Have you been here before?”

“HAVE I? HAVE I BEEN HERE BEFORE? ARE YOU STUPID, I’M YOUR BEST CUSTOMER, A REGULAR, I’VE BEEN COMING HERE FOR TEN YEARS! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM???”

I’ve only worked there for a year but still, I know most the regulars at this point, “I’m sorry ma’am I’m pretty new, let me look you up in the system can I get your name?”

“YOU SHOULD KNOW MY NAME! I’M GLORIA SEINFEILD AND I’VE BEEN COMING HERE FOR 10 YEARS!”

At this point I’m tired of this conversation and frustrated I can’t find her in the system, “I’m sorry, you said Gloria Seinfield, I’m having difficulty finding that, can you maybe spell your name for me?”

“HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL GLORIA, IT’S GLORIA, SEINFIELD!”

“Can you maybe give me your phone number instead?”

“ARE YOU AN IDIOT? 111-111-1111!”

I still can’t find it, sometimes people have their pets under their spouses or child’s account so instead I ask, “What is your pet’s name and type?”

“SPOT! i CANNOT BELIEVE THIS I’VE BEEN COMING HERE FOR 10 YEARS AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE MY INFORMATION, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY LUDICROUS, YOU ARE TRIGGERING MY PROBLEMS I HAVE SEVER HEART PROBLEMS AND CAN’T WALK LONG DISTANCES AND DUE TO MY ULCER...”

She starts going on a rant, after trying to ask for her name again, other possible numbers, and a bunch more arguing I switch gears, “I’m going to make you a temporary account for now, and then when you get here we will solve the problem, sorry for the inconvenience this will only take a moment.”

“YEAH WHATEVER, THIS IS JUST GIVING ME MORE ANXIETY, YOU KNOW THE ANXIETY I HAVE FROM,” and at this point I’m going to be honest I had checked out but I just checked back in for this second which I was completely unprepared for, “WHEN THE NUNS BEAT ME IN CATHOLIC SCHOOL. OH YEAH THEY WOULD JUST FLIP UP MY SKIRT AND WHUP ME, OR BREAK A RULER ACROSS MY HANDS AND-”

As it happens the vet was busy in the back doing other things with turned on the vacuum “IS THAT A HELICOPTER???”

“No ma’am that is the vacuum cleaner.”

“ARE YOU SURE IT’S NOT A HELICOPTER?”

“Yes very ma’am, I’m actually all done now.”

“You know what I just realized I changed my name after I left my husband, the account was under Lena Smith.”

I just froze, it wasn’t just about all that yelling, cursing and arguing, I just didn’t understand who changes their first name as well? I did find her account, which hadn’t been active in five years, and scheduled an appointment for Friday. Most of the staff heard her on the phone and we were curious to see her in person. She never showed up for her appointment, didn’t answer subsequent phonecalls, and we never heard from her again, at least not while I worked there.

[border-collie]

The best thing that can come out of the Michigan Parvo cases is it puts the fear of Parvo back into the general dog owning population and hopefully they are more on top of vaccinating their dogs which protects everyones dogs.

[ask-a-vetblr]

I see a lot of dog breeders advocating that their buyers follow the Jean Dodds DVM vaccination protocol. Do you have any opinions on it? Is it a "red flag" if a breeder suggests following this vaccination schedule?

vet-and-wild here.

So I had to look up who this is and I kind of wish I hadn’t because now I’m legit furious. Nothing that she is advocating for has actual reputable, repeatable studies to back up what she’s saying. She’s basically cherry picking things that support her argument, and ignoring ones that don’t. Also there’s all these weird claims about her being a leading expert in pet health and uhhhh what? No? Who tf is she? What additional qualifications does she have? Basically, her website has a lot of bs. The fact that she has two expensive products that are “the only reliable products” front and center for sale on her website is suuuuuper sketch. Food allergy panels are a waste of money and not the least bit reliable, so the fact that she’s charging people $300 for one and claiming it’s accurate pisses me off. Not to mention this “amazing” inflammation marker she can test for that can detect cancer and obesity?? And her “case studies” that are just...before and afters? It doesn’t talk about any other diagnostics or treatment, or use any controls. I would not trust information from anyone that is trying to sell items like that.

Vaccines are given based on risk/benefit analysis. The reason we vaccinate so heavily at 6-16 weeks is that puppies (and kittens, and basically everything) have antibodies from their mother that protect them against certain diseases. But the problem is, those antibodies interfere with vaccine efficacy. But we don’t know exactly when they’re going to wear off in every individual animal. So we booster every 3ish weeks in that period to try to avoid any lapse in protection. Puppies are super vulnerable to parvo and distemper, so leaving them unprotected for longer stretches (as she is suggesting) is a risk. Theoretically, sure you could titer test the mother and all the puppies and vaccinate based on titer levels. That’s not wrong, it’s just not practical for most people. So unless you are actually checking if the animal is protected, you’re taking a risk when you skip a booster. If and when the mother was vaccinated can play a role too. So it’s very complicated, and you can’t give a set time for “yup this is when every single puppy loses maternal antibodies.” In terms of non-core vaccines, they’re non-core for a reason. If your vet feels they aren’t necessary for your dog/your region, we’ll tell you. But saying that they’re unnecessary for all dogs? Totally irresponsible.

If we told people to avoid every breeder that recommended holistic/alternative/homeopathic type practices there would be no breeders left to buy from. A very large majority of them seem to follow these types of practices. I honestly have no idea why this type of medicine is so popular with breeders, but virtually every puppy that comes from a breeder has sent the owner with instructions for us on when to vaccinate, what meds we can’t use, when to spay/neuter, what diet to feed, etc. And if we disagree it’s because we’re “corrupt” or “uneducated.” But I digress. People can breed genetically and temperamentally sound puppies and still have some wacky pet health beliefs. So I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag, but I don’t particularly appreciate it. However, I would be very concerned about a breeder that didn’t vaccinate at all. They better be willing to cover $2000 parvo treatments if they aren’t vaccinating any of their dogs and telling buyers to do the same.

[ironmandeficiency]

that’s not a shirt

pairing: marcus pike / reader

word count: 1584

summary: marcus comes home from work & finds the strangest thing in the laundry.

a/n: for @autumnleaves1991-blog and her wednesday writing challenge! writing domestic marcus pike is my therapy. unbeta’d and posted from mobile (honestly my laptop is becoming less convenient to post from even tho posting fic on tumblr is literally the reason i bought it last year)

three long, miserable weeks. that’s how long marcus has been out of town for a case that had him jetting all across the country, far away from you and your comfortable bed. he’s almost never at the apartment he pays rent for every month. most of his clothes and his favorite pillow are at your place, and the small quilt his grandmother sewed decades ago is draped over the back of your couch. in everything but name, he lived with you.

when he entered your apartment with his key, he took note of the fact you weren’t there and got set to cleaning up a bit. work leaves you exhausted more often than not and he doesn’t want to leave everything undone for you to worry about when you get home.

upon first glance, he could see the laundry was half done. a heaping load of clean clothes was in the hamper in front of the dryer and there were wet clothes in the open washer. when he looked further, there was also a load in the dryer, which told him that you stayed up late to get things done then fell asleep on the couch waiting for the dryer to finish. with a fond smile, he started the dryer for a few minutes to get wrinkles out of what’s in there. when those are done, he can get what’s in the hamper unwrinkled and hung and folded.

dinner was next on the to-do list. something nourishing to welcome you home after a long day but simple enough to do while catching up the clothes: spaghetti. there’s something about his mom’s recipe for the sauce that makes his spaghetti absolutely heavenly — your words, not his — and he can’t wait to see your reaction to having marcus home two days earlier than planned along with his best dish.

in the time it takes him to get the sauce cooking and the water boiling on the stove, the dryer announces that it’s finished with the first load. he hums as he folds the bath towels and dish rags without a care in the world, making the trip to stow them in the bathroom cabinet with a spring to his step.

checks the sauce for flavor and consistency before putting the second load of wrinkled clothes in the dryer, finding it needs just a smidge more rosemary before it can be left to simmer. picks another sprig from the plant you keep on the windowsill and cuts the leaves very fine before sprinkling them in with a flick of his wrist.

satisfied with his efforts, he turns back to the laundry. he dutifully empties the lint filter (you’re adamant on emptying it after every load and the trait passed onto him) before he begins to grab things to toss into the dryer. about a third of the way through the basket, his hand grabbed onto something weirdly solid and plump.

“mroww!”

last marcus checked, shirts don’t make noises like that. he tore his gaze from the inside of the dryer to the hamper to find a grey and white kitten lounging in the hamper. the little thing was nudging his hand with their head, clearly wanting the attention of the man slowly depleting its bed. he was perplexed. you didn’t have a cat when he was last here, but there was one seeming to be perfectly content in making itself at home in your apartment.

“where did you come from?” he knew the cat wasn’t going to give him a coherent answer but he felt the need to voice his confusion anyway. the first thing to do now: check to see if it’s male or female. it’s a female, looks to be about three months old and is perfectly content with being handled by marcus.

marcus can’t recall the last time he had a pet. with him being too busy with work, he never thought it would be fair to a pet to have an owner constantly gone. he didn’t have enough stability in the past with where he lived and didn’t want to only be a half ass pet parent. the past several months, however, have been nothing but stable. not counting the seldom out of town cases, he goes to work in the morning and comes home to you in the evening, and he rinses and repeats as needed. maybe this kitten is the perfect prelude to taking the next big step in his relationship with you.

for now though, marcus doesn’t let himself get carried away with his daydreams about living with you full time. he’s got laundry to finish and dinner to cook, and now he has a sous chef to accompany him. he holds the kitten to his chest, scratching her chin with a hooked finger and melting at the way she looks up as if telling him to keep going. “alright sweet girl, let’s finish up dinner.” a soft “mrrow!” is her reply and it makes marcus huff a quiet laugh.

dinner is completed with marcus using one less hand than normal, his sous chef being fabulous company. the few times he had to use both hands, his feline friend perched on his shoulder (which he thought was the best thing ever) and waited to be held again. however this cat got here, marcus didn’t know; the one thing he did know is that it wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

the front door was unlocked when you came home and you knew with absolute certainty that you locked it before you left. your walmart bags filled with cat supplies were immediately dropped to the hallway floor as you began to inspect your front door and the area around it. marcus taught you how to spot the basic signs of forced entry (like the protective sweetheart he is) and when none of them were there, you cautiously entered your apartment, mace in hand.

the adrenaline washed away when you spotted your loving boyfriend in the kitchen, gently bobbing his head along to whatever music he had playing. one hand was stirring a pot on the stove while the other was plenty preoccupied with the kitten. shit, you forgot to warn him about the kitten before he got home!

this was the last thing you thought would be here to greet you, but it was a very welcome sight; the feline was finicky and marcus wasn’t due home for another few days, a double whammy. “i see you’ve met the kitten.” you’re honestly just thankful he didn’t get upset about the little thing. neither of you have talked about pets or whatever your living situation is becoming, so the way he seems so taken with the kitten is a sign pointing in a great direction.

when he hears your voice, marcus visibly lights up. “hi honey!” the hand with the spoon immediately drops the wooden utensil into the pot and waves at you happily. “this is my sous chef, say hello, pasta!” he grabs one of her little paws and waves it at you before resuming his stirring, a beaming smile on his face.

did he really just name the cat pasta? and how in the world is she so calm with him right now?

you found the kitten, now known as pasta, huddled in a cardboard box beside a gas station dumpster headed home from work. she was mewling her little head off back there and you were lucky enough to hear her. taking her and her box, your list of things to do was thrown out the window as you rushed her to the vet. they cleaned her up real good and schedule her vaccinations, and sent you home with a list of supplies to buy and advice on how to take care of the little thing.

she was pissed at you after the vet trip. didn’t let you pet or hold her unless she was in the mood for it and if you tried to pick her up otherwise, she would scatter and give you a glare from a safe distance away. but here was marcus holding her like a baby, and the little brat was eating it up! to be fair, you were the same way with marcus when he was being affectionate so you didn’t completely blame her.

“why pasta?” you knew that cats were more likely than dogs to have strange names. you just didn’t think your boyfriend would be the type to give a cat a name like pasta. at that rate, you might as well name a dog goose and call it a day.

he smiles at the furball, giving her a few affectionate pets while he talks. “i was cooking spaghetti when i found her in the laundry hamper, and then i noticed a little spot right on her hip that looks like penne. i couldn’t choose between the two so i went for the middle ground. is that okay with you? or did she have another-”

“marcus, i love it.” and you really do; that sentimental dork just made you love the name pasta with nothing but two sentences. “and honestly, i’ve just been rotating between baby girl, squeak toy, and dumbass since i found her the day before yesterday.”

he scratches pasta under her chin as he laughs at the thought of you calling his sous chef a dumbass. “pasta is not a dumbass! you tell ‘em sweetheart, tell them how smart you are!”

“mroww!”

“see? she’ll be the next einstein.”

marcus pike taglist: @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @obirain @themarcusmoreno @catsnkooks @torradoza @stardustsunrisekisses @darthadeline @max--phillips @jedi-mando @darklingveracruz @andysficrecs @pedropasscals @qhbr2013 @seasonschange-butpeopledont @greeneyedblondie44 @princess76179 @kaermorons @lv7867 @whovianwar @purelypascal

[mollymauk-teafleak]

Very Okay

I was consumed with the urge to write some domestic smut so here's some soft dads Widomauk just banging it out at the end of a long week. Huge thanks to my wonderful enablers @spiky-lesbian and @minky-for-short

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“...and then Una said next week she’s swimming for her Level 2 badge and she’s a little nervous, she’s got to go a whole lap. She’ll be fine, of course, but she has that whole thing about putting her head underwater so we need to make sure we keep an eye on her.”

Molly nodded, shifting so his tail wasn’t trapped under his leg, “She’ll do a wonderful job, she goes through the water like a shark. Literally, with the teeth…”

“And Trinket needs a costume put together, it’s World Book Day on Friday and apparently preschool kids have Fairy Tales as their theme? So I was thinking we could just swipe something from when your theatre group did Midsummer Night’s Dream. It’s a little short notice and I thought that would save you having to sew something new.”

“Yeah, he loves messing around back there anyway,” Molly nodded, pushing a lock of hair behind his ear, trying to angle his chest forward, “So, um…”

“Oh!” Caleb’s finger shot into the air, sending a wave of water over the edge of the tub, “Before I forget! I have to take the kittens to get their vaccinations at the vets tomorrow so if you could watch the bookstore for me, that would be such a huge help.”

“Of course baby, I can do that, but don’t you think we should maybe-”

“Thank you! I promise I’ll be super quick, I have this thing at the Academy, apparently professors are supposed to go to parties? That wasn’t on the job description-”

“Caleb,” Molly couldn’t help himself, reaching up and taking hold of his husband’s face, doing his absolute best not to laugh, “Listen, I love catching up with you but this is our date night and you were kind of about to start fucking me and it seems we’ve stalled a little? If we could get back on that, it would be great.”

Caleb took a few long, slow blinks, his eyes then travelling around him like he was only just noticing the fact that he was sharing a bathtub, naked, pressed up against his equally naked husband. Or rather, remembering that he was, it seemed like he’d been pretty into the idea when he’d been tearing Mollymauk’s clothes off and tipping him into the water.

“Oh,” his face flushed so quickly it can’t have had anything to do with the heat of the water, “I’m killing the mood, aren’t I?”

That was all of Molly’s available composure, he snorted as laughter tore it’s way out of his chest, sending his head knocking back against the rim of the tub. After a few moments, Caleb started giggling too, helplessly putting his hands over his face.

“I mean, it started well,” Molly cackled, hugging his arms around himself, as it happened sharing a tub between two people didn’t leave much water to cover you, “Y’know, growling that you were going to touch me until I screamed, that was a real good start to date night? It only went South when you started coordinating our schedules…”

Caleb groaned, tilting forward until he was resting his head on Molly’s shoulder, strands of hair falling out of his bun and drinking the water, “Sorry...There was just one thing I wanted to tell you and then it kept going.”

“It’s alright,” Molly chuckled, still cradling his head, pressing his lips to his head, “I do feel like we’ve hardly talked this week.”

“That’s just it!” Caleb sighed, melting a little in his husband’s arms, gingerly letting him take his weight, “Between the store and now me being an associate professor and you doing tech week, I feel like I only see you when I bump into you in the hallway.”

Molly had to admit he was right. Of course he was endlessly proud of his husband, the fact that he’d had the courage to even step over the threshold of the Soltryce Academy after everything he’d been through there, let alone accept a job and try and make the place better, was incredible. Making this huge step in his recovery all while maintaining the little bookstore he’d been running for the last few years, coming home tired and smiling every day, satisfied and certain of his place in the world. It was everything Molly had wanted for him.

But he couldn’t lie, he was starting to miss him.

Mollymauk smiled softly as he traced his fingers through his hair, “Well, I’m kind of glad it’s not just me who was thinking that...that’s kind of why I asked if we could make tonight a date night.”

Molly felt Caleb deflate a little in his arms, “And I turned it into some kind of press conference. I’m sorry, Mollymauk.”

Starting to purr, the tiefling’s tail found its way around Caleb’s leg, squeezing like some kind of comforting snake, “I’ll hear no apologies from you, Mr Caleb. What I wanted was to spend time with you and that’s what I’ve got. Minus clothes too, which is a nice bonus.”

Caleb made a soft, decisive noise, pulling himself back up, bracing his hands on the rim of the bath either side of Molly’s head.

“But if I went back to that whole ‘touch you until you scream’ thing? Would that be alright?” his smile turned crooked.

Molly unsuccessfully suppressed an undignified squeak of mixed shock and arousal, his smile flaring into a full blown grin.

“Oh that would be pretty okay too, yeah.”

Caleb gave one of those rough, rumbling laughs that Molly loved so much, the ones that only came out when Molly knew he was about to become the sole focus of Caleb’s not inconsiderable attention, when the brain that normally went in ten different directions and most of those on other planes of reality, was about to zero in on him and him alone.

Molly yelped as he felt surprisingly strong arms slide under him and lift him out of the water, sending rain pattering down from their bodies.

“Babe!” Molly locked his arms around his shoulders like a vice, “This is romantic and all but you’ve got skinny noodle arms!”

“Charming,” Caleb snorted, “You don’t weigh all that much, Liebling. I won’t drop you.”

Before Molly could properly address his doubt about that- he’d once watched his husband struggle for twenty minutes to open a jar of peanut butter that wasn’t even new- they were moving, water scattering generously along the hallway. Apparently lifting books all day was better for your upper body strength than Mollymauk had realised because, true to his word, Molly wasn’t dropped until he was tumbled into bed, Caleb following pretty soon after.

Eagerly he dragged him closer, pressing their lips together, barely letting a heartbeat pass before he slid his tongue across Caleb’s. He hiked his legs up around his husband’s waist like he was anchoring him there, like any bare inch between their bodies was just unbearable. Caleb’s hands felt like they were everywhere, so much so that Molly wasn’t convinced there wasn’t magic involved. Just the warm, roughened touch of his broad hands sliding across his shoulders, following the curve of his spine to press their bodies closer, kneading the softness of his thighs. Everywhere he needed him, Caleb was there and still it didn’t feel like enough.

Almost the exact moment he had that thought, he was turning, rolling, until suddenly he was on top and Caleb was grinning wickedly up at him, his normally bright blue eyes dark with want.

“Want to ride my tongue, Liebling?” he purred roughly, knowing the answer full well but still wanting to hear him say it.

Molly obliged him, whimpering, “Oh fuck yes.”

It wasn’t that people would look at Mollymauk and expect him to always prefer the dominant role in bed, he was well aware of the vibes he gave off and cultivated them carefully (though if anyone were to let their gaze linger more closely they’d notice the two fingernails on his right hand kept deliberately short). It was more that they would notice Caleb, hiding behind his hair and hunching his shoulders and never speaking above a low murmur and never imagine him as the kind of person to take control. Of anything really, let alone someone like Molly. He didn’t look like he could command a one person canoe in a swimming pool.

How little they knew.

Molly gripped the headboard so hard that the nails he did keep long and wickedly sharp bit into the wood, levering himself up a little, bracketing Caleb’s head with his knees. He hovered at first, even as his thighs trembled with anticipation, with the intense sensation of those eyes examining him meticulously. Suddenly he was incredibly aware of how wet he was, conscious of every bead of slick, every pulse of heat through him, the stiffness of his cock.

No one would look at Caleb and see a man capable of nearly making his husband come from eyes alone.

“So cruel of me to make you wait,” Caleb’s voice was a rumble in his chest, “And yet you look so beautiful when you’re desperate…”

“Caleb,” Molly whined, teeth gritted, the lightest brush of his husband’s breath enough to make him beg shamelessly, “Please.”

“My apologies,” Caleb’s accent got noticeably thicker when he was turned on, like the part of his brain usually keeping him in Common was slipping. Or perhaps he just knew it drove Molly wild, “Just admiring…”

He took hold of Molly’s thighs and pulled him down, until Molly felt the rough scrape of his beard against his flesh, the contact after so long waiting wrenching a soft cry from him. Then he felt his wizard’s lips part, his tongue, warmer, trace a teasing path between the valley of him and the cry became a throaty moan. He couldn’t help it, almost immediately he was rocking his hips, seeking more, every nerve ending screaming for it.

Caleb tapped his thigh smartly, half in warning that he hadn’t given permission, half in warning that- while drowning in him would be a rather pleasant way to go- he’d prefer not to go at all if the option was there. Molly forced himself to still, even as it made him ache between the legs, tipping his head back and taking deep, desperate gulps of air.

Back in control, Caleb rewarded him with broad, generous strokes of his tongue, keeping it flat so Molly felt every inch of it. He took his cock in his mouth, rolling it around his tongue, scraping lightly with his teeth, kissing and lapping and sucking like he was eating some fruit. Finally, he found his entrance, probing gently and then far less gently, pulling him close so he could plunge deeper.

Molly was as vocal as ever, clinging to the headboard for dear life, tail stiff and straight in the air. He’d learned, he kept his hips still but there was no need, Caleb was in control. He rocked him back and forth, using every ounce of this surprising strength, giving Mollymauk everything he needed, leaving him nothing left to take.

Molly’s frantic, formless moans and screams haphazardly threw themselves into something close to words, “Caleb, I...oh fuck, baby, I’m...gonna…”

Through the haze of it all, he felt two quick taps on his thigh, Caleb’s affirmative answer. His signal that it was okay to fall, that Caleb would catch him.

And so he did. A last scream tearing its way from his raw throat, Molly’s shoulders locked and his chin hit his chest as it all rolled through him, as it lit him up from the inside out. He couldn’t have said how long it lasted, only that when it was done with him he felt as exhausted as he ever had. Enough that when he started to sway too hard and fell, he didn’t have the strength to catch himself.

But Caleb did. Moving quickly, he sat up and wrapped his arms around his husband, snagging him before he could tumble off the bed.

“Easy there…” he panted, grinning.

Molly’s eyelids felt leaden but he couldn’t bear not to look at Caleb right now, smiling wonkily back and leaning into his embrace, “You are fucking magical.”

Caleb giggled, gently laying him down against the pillows, curling on his side beside him. The lower half of his face was shining in the low light, his smile soft and shy and sweet again. Molly reached up and laid a gentle hand on his cheek, like he was worried he would disappear if he didn’t.

Caleb caught his wrist, turning his head and pressing a kiss to his palm, “I’m right here, Liebling. I’m right here.”

Molly exhaled in gentle relief, his eyes slowly gaining focus, “You...lie next to me. Tell me everything you want to tell me, all about your day, all about...everything. I just want to listen to you. And then when my brain puts itself together it's your turn. Okay?”

Caleb nodded, eyes wide and eager and loving, “Very okay.”

[onlysarah235678]

A Little Bit Part 19

Pairing: Billie Dean Howard x female reader

A/N: Hello there! This one was a little more fun to write, so I hope you enjoy it.  illuminated-blue’s gif goes really well with this one. ❤️

Warnings: annoying people, mention of death at the end, and wound cleaning.

You and Billie end up going to that one restaurant you’d visited when you were hopping around town trying to avoid people. You are glad to be going back because Milo had loved it and you were starving. You are seated quickly and both you and Billie laugh as Milo makes a friend from a nearby table. He plays with the lab while you and Billie get comfortable. You smile when she hands you one of the waters that the waiter brought a few minutes ago.

“Here, dear. Drink. Let me know if we need to leave, okay?”

You smile widely at Billie’s thoughtfulness before nodding in agreement. You take a sip of the water before looking around with a sigh of relief. It’s so nice to be out again, and being with Billie and Milo is just icing on the cake. You look back at Billie watching as she eyes you carefully before glancing at the menu. You know what you’re getting, but that doesn’t stop you from looking. Billie doesn’t bother with that yet. She is more concerned about you.

“Are you excited to go back to work?”

This question surprises you, and you look up suddenly before shrugging noncommittally. You are excited to go back to work because sitting around all day isn’t for you. Sure, you like being with Billie and Milo, but you became a vet for a reason. Despite loving Milo like he was your child, you really needed to see other animals too. You smile at the thought and nod in confirmation before taking another sip from the glass in front of you.

“I am! I miss the pets and keeping busy, but I have to admit it has been nice to spend time with you.”

Billie smiles at this before she glances down at the menu in front of her. She’s never been here before, but when you mentioned that you liked it she figured she’d give it a try. It was a little more out in the open than she liked to be, but so far no one was paying them much attention. She found it hard to pay attention to much of anything else when she was around you. She had really enjoyed these past few days having you and Milo stay with her.

“I’ve enjoyed it too, Y/N.”

You smile at this before glancing behind you to check on Milo who is still playing with the other dog. You laugh before shooting Billie a questioning look. You’re only half kidding with what you ask next because part of you is worried that you’ve overstayed your welcome.

“Are you sure you’re not sick of us yet?”

Billie smirks at the thought of growing sick of you and Milo. She had to admit that sometimes Milo could be a little high maintenance, but she enjoyed every moment she spent with the two of you. It seemed so easy with you, and although she knows the current situation isn’t exactly realistic, she can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have you around all the time.

Billie shakes her head about to disagree with you when your waiter comes back with your drinks. You smile excitedly because you haven’t had an actual drink in a while, but you were feeling better today so you decided to go for it. You were also celebrating since it was the end of the week and you had yet to fall down again. You made a note to knock on some wood later before turning to Billie as she orders her dinner. You smile absentmindedly before taking a long sip from your drink. Billie watches with an amused smile as your waiter leaves after taking your orders.

“Feeling better?”

Billie’s teasing smile makes you laugh in embarrassment, but you don’t hesitate to nod before you place your already half empty glass on the table. You turn to bring Milo back towards you since he is kind of in the way, and you smile as he moves quickly to sit next to you, his head already in your lap, sniffing for food. You push him away before offering a verbal response.

“Definitely. I didn’t realize how much I missed it.”

Billie smiles at this before taking a sip of her own drink. She eyes Milo when he comes to stand next to her looking for food. Billie simply pets him before shaking her head. She can’t help but smile when he whines a little before just lying down next to her. You smile at this and you’re too busy looking at Milo to realize that Billie’s shooting you an adoring look.

“Well, you deserve it after the week you’ve had, Y/N.”

You nearly laugh at this but you manage to hold yourself back and just smile instead. You can’t think of anything more relaxing than what you’ve done for the last week. You’ve just been sitting around all day doing nothing but spending time with Billie and your dog. You honestly couldn’t think of anything better.

“The week I’ve had? All I’ve done is sit around and spend time with you and Milo. Not exactly taxing, Billie.”

You watch as she smiles at you before you realize that this isn’t exactly what Billie meant. You don’t bother to change your answer because you still feel like you’ve had a pretty nice time off.

Billie shakes her head before clarifying her meaning. “I was mostly referring to Sunday, but I’m glad you haven’t had a miserable time.”

Billie smiles as you blush slightly before shaking your head at the thought of how much of a ‘miserable time’ you’ve had with Billie. Sure, the first couple of days were a little rough, but your headache hadn’t bothered you in hours and you were glad to be out with Billie again. Not that you didn’t enjoy your time alone with the medium, it was just nice to feel normal again. Not sickly and stuck indoors.

“Not at all. I’ve had a lot of fun.”

Billie smirks at the way you say this and she raises an eyebrow as she watches you get lost in thought. She can imagine what you’re thinking of because her mind quickly goes to certain moments alone with you. Billie doesn’t get to dwell on them long before you’re speaking again. She looks up just in time to see you smile cheekily, and she has to resist the urge to throw something at you. The chips in the middle of the table look like a good option.

“With the kittens of course. They’re my favorite part.”

You have to stop yourself from laughing when you see how Billie’s expression changes to one you recognize immediately. You looked away because now wasn’t the best time to humor those thoughts. Instead, you finish up your drink before you smile apologetically at your girlfriend before reaching out for her. She moves her hand away last minute and you pout before trying again.

“Aw Billie, I was kidding. You know you’re my favorite.”

You smile victoriously when Billie accepts your apology and takes your hand with a sigh. She runs her nails over the back of your hand before you turn it so your palm is facing up. You shiver slightly and have to stifle a laugh as Billie tickles your palm. She smiles at your adorably ticklish nature before releasing your hand to reach for her drink.

“I have to bring them back to you soon, don’t I?”

You are too busy feeding Milo a treat that you’d brought with you to follow Billie’s question. You look back to her with a frown before what she said registered and you nod enthusiastically. The kittens are finally old enough to get their first round of vaccines this week. You have no idea what your schedule looks like, but you will make sure to find time for them when you can.

You and Billie talk a little about her cats before your food arrives. You can’t help how excited you look, and Billie doesn’t even try to hold back a laugh at your childlike glee. She knows how you feel about food, but she supposes that it’s food and just the fact that you’re out again that’s making you so happy. She doesn’t let herself feel bad for keeping you at home for so long, but she is glad to see you like this again.

“You’re adorable, Y/N.”

You smile at Billie about to say something sarcastic when something over her shoulder catches your eye. Your smile disappears and you drop the chip in your hand as you groan under your breath. Billie frowns about to turn around to see what you’ve spotted, but she doesn’t get the chance. You sigh in defeat, moving Milo so he’s under the table before putting on the fakest smile you can muster. Maybe she’ll get the hint.

“Claire. How are you?”

It took Billie a moment to recognize the name. She turned to see the brunette standing behind her and her frown immediately deepened. It didn’t take Billie long to realize that she wasn’t going to like this interaction at all. If not for the reasons you’d given her in the past, then just the way that Claire was looking at you now was enough for Billie to decide that she didn’t like her.

Since she heard about your hospital visit, Claire had been trying to track you down. She’d called into your work only to be told that you weren’t going to be in for the next week or so. She knew where you lived from the various stories about you in the news, but she didn’t know which apartment. She’d harassed the front office enough that she was banned and despite hanging around for almost a full day she never saw you.

She had almost given up trying to find you when she realized that you probably weren’t even home.

You were with Billie.

Claire hadn’t wanted to run into the medium, or really see her at all, so she waited. She waited for almost a week before she followed you here. It had taken a while to gather the courage to confront you, but now as she stood beside you, she was glad that she hadn’t just gone home.

“It’s nice to see you alive and well, Doc.”

You stiffen as you watch Claire move closer to you and rest her hand on the table just inches from yours. You don’t fail to notice how she completely ignores Billie, and you turn to your ticked girlfriend before looking back to Claire. You’re not in the mood for whatever this is, and you are going to make sure that Claire knows that. You don’t appreciate that she’s ruined a perfectly good outing by showing up and you try your best not to snap at her as you respond.

“It certainly is. Have you met Billie Dean? Billie this is Claire, she works at the pet store I go to.”

You sincerely hope that Claire could take the hint and leave you in peace. However, as you watch the brunette barely turn toward Billie who somehow looks even less impressed, you feel any hope you had slip away. Claire instead turns more so she’s facing you after throwing a perfunctory look over her shoulder.

“Yeah, hi. I just wanted to check on you. I heard about what happened.”

You sigh in annoyance before responding quickly. You don’t say that you’re fine because you’re not. You’re a little miffed and you want this to end now.

“It was just a little concussion, I’m all better now.”

You ignore Claire as she starts speaking again. You vaguely realize that she’s going on about how concerned she was and how glad she is, but all you can focus on is Billie. She’s shooting you an incredulous look that you assume is a result of your description of your injury. You just shrugged before shooting her a smile that she rolls her eyes at. You see her look down briefly before reaching for what you assume is Milo under the table. You’re glad that he’s stayed put and you sigh before meeting her gaze again. You’re about to say something to cut Claire off when you feel a hand on yours. You know it’s not Billie’s because you’re looking right at the blonde and she’s petting Milo and sipping her wine. Her gaze moves down to where Claire’s hand covers yours, and that finally makes you realize that you haven’t responded.

“Well, I’m glad that you’re feeling better.”

You barely hear the end of what Claire says before you move to stand up. You mostly wanted to move your hand, but  for some reason you stood and now you had to do something. You smile before moving around the table, not looking away from Billie who is frowning slightly in confusion. You just smile wider before you reach Billie’s side and sit down next to her. Now Billie is between you and Claire, and you feel like you can breathe again.

“Yeah, I have Billie to thank for that. She took good care of me.”

You get settled in your chair before leaning in close to Billie. Despite the fact that it brings you closer to Claire, you don’t really think she’ll reach over Billie to get to you, you are immediately comforted by the close contact. Claire’s bold, but not that bold. She seems to pause for a second before she does something that really shouldn’t surprise you. She sits down in your abandoned seat before reaching for your drink. Your mouth falls open and you’re glad that you finished it because Claire just frowns before putting it down.

Your patience is gone at this point and you sigh before squeezing Billie’s arm so she doesn’t snap. You felt her tense and you didn’t want her to be the one to tell Claire off. It should be you.

“Did you need something, Claire?”

You sound as ticked as you are, and you’d feel bad about it if this was anyone else. However, it’s not and this was probably the 12th time you’ve had to keep yourself from commenting on something rude that Claire has done. For this reason, you don’t feel much sympathy as the brunette in front of you frowns before looking to your food. You don’t have time to speak up again before Claire is smiling and shrugging casually.

“Yeah, Doc. I was going to ask if you wanted to go out sometime. You know on a real date?”

You can’t help but smile at her question and even as you feel Billie sit up next to you, you let out a laugh. You know that your reaction is weird. You should be pissed by what Claire is insinuating, like Billie, but you just find it hilarious. Your laugh seems to stop her and she frowns in confusion as she looks to you before you manage to sit up with a sigh. You see the smug look on Claire’s face, probably due to the fact that she got a reaction from Billie, but that didn’t really matter. You weren’t going to let her have the satisfaction for long.

“Thanks, but I’m more than happy here with Billie.”

You squeeze Billie’s hand under the table as you say this, but you don’t feel her relax which you don’t like. Your attention turns to Claire though once you hear her sigh heavily before leaning back in her—your chair. She crosses her arms over her chest before finally looking to Billie. There are a lot of things that she’d like to say, to accuse the medium of but she doesn’t. She isn’t sure what you see in her. She’s a hack who thinks too highly of herself, and you deserve better than that.

“Are you sure? I can show you a better time. Like you deserve.”

You scowl and open your mouth to say something a little meaner, but Billie beats you to it. She clenches her fist and glares at the brunette across from her. She doesn’t know much about her, but Billie can’t help but wonder where all of this cockiness comes from. Clearly, she can’t take no for an answer.

“What Y/N deserves is to be respected. Which means when she says back off, you back the fuck off.”

You hold your breath as you watch Claire tense at this and glare at Billie in return. You sigh in defeat, but you nod in agreement with what Billie’s said before saying the last thing you’re willing to about this.

“She’s right Claire. You don’t respect me enough to take no for an answer, so even if Billie wasn’t in the picture, you wouldn’t be either.”

Despite the mood changing drastically from Claire’s unwelcome visit, you and Billie stay for an hour or so longer. You don’t move back to your seat. Instead, you move your food to your side and get yourself a new drink that you finish way too quickly. You sigh before turning to Billie with an apologetic look.

She hasn’t said much since Claire left. You did most of the talking which you couldn’t help but worry about. You know that Billie’s upset and you can’t really blame her, but you’re still nervous. Billie was already stressed out by the interview airing tonight, now this? You frown as you reach out for Billie’s hand that’s resting on your thigh.

“I’m sorry she showed up, Billie. I never would have thought--.”

Billie shakes her head, cutting you off before she sighs in defeat. She has to admit that she was still a little annoyed by the rude interruption to their dinner. She wouldn’t have thought that you had to deal with things like this happening. She didn’t think that Claire was so bold. Then again, you had said that she’s done something similar at work and whenever you went to the pet store.

Finally, Billie finds her words and she tries to smile before squeezing your hand.

“You don’t have to apologize for her behavior. I didn’t realize how persistent she was.”

You smile wryly at this before nodding in agreement. You mention how often Claire has bothered you and Billie feels her anger return full force. Why couldn’t people take a hint?

“She’s still young. Hopefully she’ll get a clue.”

You don’t notice how Billie’s mood has soured until she scoffs a few seconds later. She doesn’t want to imagine what it will take for Claire to get a clue. She drains the rest of her drink with a scowl at the thought. You stop with your fork halfway to your mouth when Billie empties her glass and your eyes widen a little before you put it down. You turn to Billie, not quite sure what to say, but you just go for it hoping you don’t make it worse.

“It’s okay, Billie. I think you scared her off.”

Billie Dean shakes her head before speaking up in a tone that immediately had your attention. You frown despite what Billie says to you.

“No, it’s not okay, Y/N. People shouldn’t treat you like that. Not her and not-.”

Billie trails off, mentally cursing herself for letting that last part slip. She hadn’t planned on mentioning Doug because you’d already made up your mind. She didn’t want to argue about it despite not really liking your decision. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like you’re going to let this go, and you shoot Billie a questioning look.

“What? What were you going to say?”

Billie doesn’t answer immediately and instead reaches for Milo’s treats. She feeds him one and watches as he catches it midair. Billie smiles slightly before turning back to see you frowning.

“Not Claire, or assholes like Doug get to treat you like that. You deserve much better, Y/N. I mean that.”

You smile appreciatively before kissing her in thanks. You pull away sooner than you want, but you’re in public and you are still a little on edge from Claire popping up. So you just smile before moving a stray hair behind her ear with a sigh.

“You know, thanks to you, I’m starting to believe it.”

This time Billie kisses you and you laugh when Milo tries to get in on the action. He wasn’t finished begging for treats and he has his front paws up on the table before you realize what he’s doing. You push him down before shooting him a glare while Billie simply laughs. You roll your eyes but accept another kiss from Billie with a smile.

You eventually pull away before looking around you briefly. You saw Claire leave so you’re not worried about her, but you still feel eyes on you somewhere. Instead of focusing on this you decide to turn back to your girlfriend with a cheeky smile.

“Still, if we run into her again, I want you to punch that bitch in the face, Billie Dean.”

Milo leads you through the neighborhood excitedly on his last walk of the night. It’s almost 11 and you and Billie got back from the restaurant a while ago. You had been glad when Billie seemed to leave her worry behind and return to her normally calm self by the time you arrived home. You left her to go check on the cats and you and Milo were wandering around aimlessly as you thought about what the rest of your time here would look like.

You plan to leave Sunday because you really should get back to your place. You need to get ready to work Monday and that includes making sure that you have food to eat. You are going through a list of things that you need to do when something surprises you and Milo. You jump and then curse as Milo pulls free and runs after whatever just jumped out of the bushes.

“Milo, no! Wait!”

You aren’t completely surprised when he doesn’t listen to you and you groan in annoyance before taking off after him.

Billie is downstairs waiting for you to come back when 11 o’clock rolls around. She sighs before looking to the television with a frown. She’s not going to watch the interview, and she hopes that you don’t want to either. Billie reaches out for Bit when she hears the front door open. She lets Bit rub up against her hand, but she soon flees when Milo comes running into the living room. He’s a mess and Billie’s surprised by the sight of him covered in dirt and leaves.

“Milo, what did you do?”

Billie looks up when she hears you groan loudly before you appear around the corner. It takes you a minute to get your shoes off and you finally sigh in relief before heading to where Billie is waiting. She stands immediately when she sees you and you wince in anticipation as she gasps in surprise.

“Y/N! What happened?”

You, like your dog, are covered in dirt and small cuts from where you’d fallen a couple of times before diving to catch your dog. You stiffen, but don’t protest as Billie’s hands go to your shoulders, and she leads you to the couch. She takes a good look at you and sighs when she notices that you’ve scraped your palms and some of your knuckles pretty badly.  She looks to you again for an explanation, and you sigh in defeat before mentioning how Milo had gotten away from you.

“Milo decided to chase a stray cat through some bushes and out of the neighborhood.”

Billie’s eyes widen before she turns back to Milo who is lying at your feet. He is licking his paws but seems fine while you look a little worse for wear. You sigh as you sit up slightly before realizing that you hurt your knee falling too. You hiss in pain and Billie immediately looks over you again before she sees your stained pants.

“Did you hurt your knee?”

Billie is really just asking for clarification because you’d already said that you’d fallen. Still, you nod before muttering something under your breath that Billie doesn’t hear. You shoot Milo a look before sighing in realization. You probably need to get cleaned up. You don’t get to say this; however, because Billie beats you to it as she glances upstairs.

“Let’s get you cleaned up, sweetheart.”

You hiss under your breath as you hold your hand out to Billie. You’re sitting on her bed still in your dirty clothes as the medium gets her supplies together. You watch as she grabs the hydrogen peroxide and you cringe in anticipation waiting as she grabs some gauze.

“This might sting a little.”

You just nod before holding your hand out to Billie and she takes it in hers before carefully cleaning your knuckles. You hold your breath and don’t let yourself curse at the pain. You jump slightly though and Billie just shoots you a sympathetic look before kissing your forehead.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I’ll be more careful.”

You shake your head and manage a smile before releasing the breath you’d been holding. Billie had been careful and you were just a wimp when it came to injuries. You say something to this effect and Billie rolls her eyes at you as she finishes putting on your band aids. You sigh in relief before thanking Billie for the help. You take a look at your hands before realizing what comes next.

“I guess I need to get undressed, huh?”

Billie just smiles before looking at the clock. It’s nearly midnight, and Billie is a little worn out from her busy day. She wants to make sure you’re taken care of first, so she just nods before turning to leave.

“That’s probably best. I’ll be back in a minute, okay?”

You just nod because you’re finally starting to feel your exhaustion set in. The adrenaline of chasing after Milo and getting to him before he ran into traffic had worn off and now you were just tired. You stifled a yawn as you stood up started to take off your pants. You stumble slightly and groan in annoyance before you manage to get them off. Your breath hitches as you bend your knee and pain shoots up your leg. You curse Milo again before finding a pair of shorts to wear.

You’re dressed and sitting back on the bed when Billie comes back a couple of minutes later. You have your leg stretched out and you’re examining the growing bruise on your knee. Billie’s eyes widen and she hurries over to take a better look. She moves to sit next to you before resting her hand on your calf.

“Oh, Y/N. That looks like it hurts.”

You can’t deny it but you try to as you just shrug and mention that you’ve had worse. Which isn’t a lie, but that doesn’t make your knee throb any less. You think about what you could do to treat it before remembering how much you drank earlier tonight. So instead of medicine you settle on ice, and Billie is right there with you. She leaves you to clean the minor cuts as she hurries downstairs to get some ice.

You shift on the bed before trying to clean your knee, but you immediately realize that it hurts more than you thought it would. You just clench your teeth and bear it, and by the time Billie’s back you have it cleaned and covered. You smile at her before taking the offered icepack that Billie brought. At least you try to, but Billie shakes her head before motioning for you to sit back. You do as she says and lie back against a pillow so you’re more comfortable. Billie holds the icepack over your knee with a questioning look, and you just nod before tensing slightly. Your breath hitches at the cold, but you say nothing as Billie holds it to your knee with a sigh.

“Is there anything else I can do for you, sweetheart?”

You smile before shaking your head. You’ll be fine, you just need to rest and not run around anymore. You turn at the sound of Milo running down the hall you wait until he pushes open the door before sighing again. You look him over and don’t see that he’s hurt himself, but you didn’t really expect anything else. He just ran a lot and then came to a very sudden stop when you managed to step on his leash.

“Milo, you little shit.”

Milo just wags his tail as he comes over to lick your hand. You scratch him briefly before looking to Billie with a sigh. You know it’s late and you’re tired, so you imagine that Billie is too.

“You didn’t hit your head, did you?”

Billie speaks up before you can, but you just shake your head. You had made sure that you didn’t and at the expense of tearing up your hands you’re glad that you hadn’t. You shake your head, not really sure if your headache is from the fall or the alcohol before patting the bed next to you.

“Want to join me?”

Almost half an hour later, you are surprisingly still awake. Billie fell asleep a while ago, but she hadn’t even made it under the covers. She slept with her head in your lap and you gently ran your fingers through her hair as your mind wandered to next Saturday.

The 10th.

You never really cared much about your birthday before. Sure, you liked cake and you didn’t complain about presents, but it wasn’t something you made a big deal about.

This year you were determined to do the same. It was honestly going to feel weird and different no matter what you did. It was the first birthday you wouldn’t be celebrating with family. The first one without your dad.

You quickly think of something else before that train of thought gets you in trouble. You sigh as you glance at your phone. It’s 12:30. You really should sleep. You stifle a yawn as you put your phone back and try to get comfortable without disturbing Billie. You’re almost asleep when you realize that you didn’t watch Billie’s interview.

You decide it’s probably for the best given how upset Billie was afterwards. Instead, you just lie down and pull Billie closer to you. The next interview has to go better for her, right?

Part 20

Tag list: @madamevirgo​, @illuminated-blue​

[3pirouette]

Fic: Virtual Insanity: Career Opportunities (1/1)

Title: Virtual Insanity: Career Opportunities By: TriplePirouette/3Pirouette Disclaimer: They're not mine. Word Count: Distribution: AO3 Anyone else please ask first :)

Story Summary: It’s career day on Mr. Roger’s Zoom class, and Peggy needs to come up with something, quick. Sequel to Virtual Insanity.

Chapter A/N: I needed to write something fluffy and I’ve been DYING to find a way to get back to this little universe. This satisfies the “Sharon Carter” square for my Steggy Bingo. (We’re not talking about FATWS/CAATWS right now. I can’t. I just can’t.)

~*~

Don’t be mad at me.

The text itself was fairly innocuous, but her brain started to race, anyway. Peggy’s fingers flew over the keyboard, texting back: Is there a reason I should be?

She stared at the phone screen, waiting while the three little dots that meant he was typing appeared and disappeared twice over. Now she was worried.

“Aunt Peggy?” Sharon’s voice carried through her small apartment.

Peggy hummed a question in her closed mouth as the girl took off her headphones and bounded towards her, but the phone vibrated in her hands and pulled her attention back.

The Principal decided to observe me today instead of Thursday. Said he wanted to see a more interactive lesson plan, so I had to switch things up on short notice. I swear I was going to give you a heads up.

Before she could ask him anything else, Sharon sat herself next to Peggy at the tiny kitchen table, her notebook and pencil in hand. “Mr. Rogers gave us an assignment and I have thirty minutes to do it before I have to go back to my class and talk to them about it.”

Peggy smiled tight, the girl missing the tension in her sigh. “Oh? And what is the assignment?”

Sharon smiled. “I need to ask you questions about what you do for work.”

Peggy nodded, her mind racing as she tried to come up with what she was going to tell her niece. Not sure how you’ll do with the principal, she texted Steve, but that promotion to boyfriend you were looking for might be in serious jeopardy.

She waited a second then sent him a winking emoji, just to lighten up the mood. Having gotten to know Steve as well as she had over the last few weeks, she knew he might think her serious.

“Alright,” Peggy turned and faced Sharon, “how can I help?”

Sharon smiled and wiggled herself around in the chair, picking up her pencil before turning seriously to Peggy. “What do you do for a job?”

The honest answer would have been that she was making an obscene amount of money online by bouncing around her house doing chores in lingerie. That was not, however, the answer she could give to Sharon. “Well,” she bit the corner of her thumbnail and turned her phone over, not wanting to read the text that had just popped up from Steve, “I used to work for a company that helped other companies…” Peggy sighed, she wasn’t sure how to explain corporate espionage to Sharon, either.

Sharon looked up. “What did you do there? How did you help other companies?”

Peggy tapped her nails on the counter nervously, trying to come up with a good example. “Well, the company I worked for helped businesses keep secrets. For instance, you know how that chicken you like always says there are eleven secret herbs and spices?”

Sharon nodded. “Kentucky Fried Chicken!”

Peggy laughed a little. “Yes, well, those eleven are a secret for a reason. It’s what makes the chicken taste good to you.” Peggy leaned in dramatically and Sharon’s eyes widened. “But if everyone knew the secret, anyone who wanted to could make their chicken taste like that, and then that man with the silly bowtie—”

“Colonel Sanders,” Sharon interjected as she made some notes.

“Yes, he would have a hard time making money from the recipe he developed because it wasn’t a secret anymore. I helped other companies keep their secrets.” Peggy smiled to herself as the girl wrote furiously, satisfied. She wasn’t sure if she’d managed to make her job understandable to an 8-year-old, but it was close enough for now.

Sharon stared at her seriously. “And did you get to know the secrets or do you just have to stop other people from finding out?”

“Sometimes I got to know them, but most of the time I just had to help hide them, or help the company have enough security.”

Peggy’s stress melted away as Sharon asked her question after question and she was able to answer honestly, if not a little vaguely, for the next fifteen minutes. When she ran out of questions, Peggy cut her up an apple and put that and a spoonful of peanut butter on a plate for her at the table, where she waited for her class to start again with her snack.

Finally, she picked up her phone again.

I am so, so sorry. Really, I am. It was planned for Friday. I was going to tell you on Facetime tomorrow. I’ll have her go last. Billy Ryan can TALK. I’ll just let that kid go and maybe we’ll run out of time. Principal Clark won’t know the difference.

Peggy smiled, letting her fingers fly over the keyboard. Did you not see the ;)? It’s fine, and I’m not upset. Good luck on your evaluation and call me when it’s over. She paused for a second, watching Sharon put on her headphones and knowing her texts wouldn’t get an answer until their next break.

Peggy pulled out her own laptop and reviewed her e-mails. She was, in point of fact, looking for a new job. While the Only Fans was a surprising source of a lot of income, she was missing the excitement of her old field. There still weren’t many jobs to go around, but she found new ones each day and applied. Talking to Sharon, however coded, made her miss the day to day of corporate espionage: finding new ways to secure and protect trade secrets, while simultaneously trying to extract others. It had been challenging and thrilling work, and she missed it. While there was something to be said for the ease of her newest endeavors, it wasn’t the challenge she wanted or needed.

She smiled over the edge of her laptop as Sharon asked a question about dogs. Seemed a parent was a trainer or a vet of some sort. She could just barely see the screen from where she was, the Brady Bunch like squares filled with smiling little faces as they talked and asked questions. Steve was sitting in his own square in the upper right corner, smiling away as he listened intently and there was a fairly neutral man in the bottom left she assumed was Mr. Clark. She’d heard a bit about the administrator, but not enough to have an opinion on the man.

She posted her resume on a job-hunting site and crossed her fingers yet again. Six months of getting dressed up for a camera was enough for her. She wanted more.

More from a job, and more from Steve.  

They’d been talking nearly every night, facetiming, too, and had met just once, socially distanced, in the park in the fall for lunch. His mother, who lived in the apartment next to him and that he took care of, was considered high risk. He’d been apologetic, but careful about how and when he went out, and it was something she appreciated about him. She’d asked him, quite seriously, to be her steady significant other, but he’d flat out refused until he could take her out on a proper date. It was a conversation that had both made her fall a little more in love with him and completely frustrated her at the same time.

He was getting his second dose of the vaccine next week, and she was scheduled for a week after that. She already knew exactly which dress she was going to wear when that fourteen-day waiting period was up.

It was red and tight and screamed anything but staying socially distant.

She was daydreaming, one she had often, about pushing him back on that desk of his and straddling him, her dress riding up her thighs as his hands followed, kissing him and laying him down and taking him right there, when Sharon’s voice rang out loudly in the room.

“Ok. So, my Mom and Dad are at work, but I do school with my Aunt Peggy so I asked her the questions.” Peggy looked down at her watch. They had only ten minutes left in the morning session before lunch, but apparently that was enough for one more kid. Stupid Billy Ryan. Peggy closed her email and moved her laptop, listening. “So, my Aunt Peggy lost her job, which is why she can watch me, but before that she had a job she was really good at and she really liked. She worked for a company that I’m not allowed to tell you the name of, but for her job…”

Sharon took a deep breath and leaned into the screen. “For her job, she protects the recipe for KFC chicken.”

Peggy’s head fell in her hands as she heard the gasps of excitement from the kids. She couldn’t believe, after twenty minutes of questions, that was what the girl had understood.

“Sometimes, she protects the chickens. And sometimes, she tries to get the recipes from other places. She didn’t tell me exactly, but I think I guessed it and she just couldn’t say.”

~*~

Peggy laid back against the pillows, wine in hand, waiting for Steve to pick up his facetime. She’d just finished a short online session. Her heart hadn’t been in it, but she’d needed something to do while Steve was finishing his review with the principal after Sharon had been picked up.

His face popped on the screen and he wasted no time, slyly smiling. “So, you protect the KFC recipe?” She just shook her head, but he laughed. “I mean, I gave you a solid five minutes, you couldn’t come up with anything better?”

Peggy laughed loudly at that, leaning back into the pillows. “I swear, I did not tell that child I protected the KFC recipe.”

Steve lifted his phone and moved around his apartment, pulling a beer out of the fridge and sitting heavily on his couch before he set his phone on the table. “So, what did you tell her, exactly?”

“The truth!” Peggy sat up, pulling her robe tight around her. “I mean, how do you describe corporate espionage to an eight-year-old?”

“Corporate espionage?” Steve almost choked on his mouthful of beer. He sat up, eyes still wide with surprise. “You went from corporate espionage to an Only Fans?”

Peggy shrugged. “I wasn’t in IT. When everyone started working from home the demand was in IT because they had to lock down computer systems and access codes.” She sat up and took a long drink of her wine. “Quite frankly it was a move that was coming, anyway. More and more information is just digital.”

“So, uh,” Steve’s fingers played with the label on his bottle, “So you did what, exactly?”

Peggy bit her bottom lip and bent towards the camera. “If I tell you, I’ll have to kill you,” she purred out.

Steve feigned getting hit, grabbing his chest and falling back. “Ouch, Aunt Peggy.”

She hummed at him, humoring his silliness while she played with her glass. She sighed. “I think my favorite part was where she literally told the children I protect the chickens. As if I were a farmer out there with a pitch fork keeping coyotes away!”

Steve started laughing far harder than was necessary. “Oh, I am getting the best mental image.”

Peggy rolled her eyes and laid back in the bed. “Oh? Do tell.”

“I’m thinking…” He smiled, took a deep breath and leaned back, his eyes sparkling. Little Daisy Duke short shorts, maybe a tied up plaid shirt, some dirty cowboy boots…” Steve drifted off closing his eyes, his smile growing wider.

Peggy laughed. “Oh really? Should I put my hair in pigtails, too?”

His head popped up, a guilty look crossing his features. “Well, I mean…”

She bit her lip at his stammering. “Your image of me protecting chickens and my image of me protecting chickens are vastly different images.”

Steve could only shrug.

~*~

The link that she texted him wasn’t familiar, but he trusted her by now. He clicked it, ready for anything.

When the video connected his jaw dropped.  

Peggy, in her shortest jean shorts and a tied up red gingham shirt he was sure was so small it must have been a handkerchief in a previous life, was standing in front of a green screened video of chickens in a chicken coop.

She smiled widely at him, putting on her best American accent. “Howdy, Partner!”

He laughed so hard he dropped his phone.

[some-cookie-crumbz]

BNHA, MomoJirou?

Prompts 25. "I know this looks bad, but I swear, it's not."

So many ways this could go~! Hopefully the route I took was a fun one!

Minor Trigger Warning: Mentions of Blood

Momo considered herself to be a rather fortunate woman. She had a financially successful family, a great relationship with her father and was working on things with her mother, a close-knit group of friends she loved dearly, and had started a paid internship just a few weeks back for a designing agency run by The Kayama Nemuri. She knew that she was an incredibly lucky person, that there were those who would kill for the opportunities she had been given, and made sure to wear her gratitude on her sleeve to everyone she knew. She put all her effort and energy into being a good daughter, a good friend, and a good employee, doing whatever she could through action to help emphasize the depth and sincerity of her gratitude. After all, actions were a great indicator of the merit of one's words!

But sadly… Her love life hadn’t seen nearly as many returns as the rest of her life had.

She’d had three relationships in the past and they’d all been… lackluster, to put it mildly. Her first relationship had been a situation where she agreed to date the guy more out of obligation than anything. He had been incredibly nice to her and her then-friends had insisted that meant she at least owed him a chance to prove himself as a boyfriend. The relationship had only lasted three months of her first year of high school and ended so horribly that her father had transferred her to a new school at the conclusion of her first semester.

The school she transferred to was a girls-only boarding school and where she grew into her sexual identity as a pansexual woman. She had a longer relationship with one of her classmates that started in the winter of her second year and ended in the spring of their third year, with her ex immediately jumping to date another of their peers within a week of the break up. It had been painful to watch and, for about a year after, she had avoided relationships for a while.

Her relationship after that had been even worse. She didn’t like to dwell on that ex too much simply because… Well, how incredibly awful it had been. The relationship had felt much more like the two of them getting together because they were afraid of being single in their group of friends. The two of them had nearly no common interests and her ex had always seemed to find her passion for fashion design to be a waste of time, frequently inquiring why she didn’t study something more “practical”. Momo herself, however, thought that her degree plan had been more than practical, considering her minor had been in business.

That relationship lasted ten months and ended when she learned of an affair.

She’d taken a two year break from dating after that, focusing instead on her friend and family and school. All of her friends had rallied around her after that break up, helping to lift her back up, and she had been incredibly grateful for it. They reminded her to never settle for less than she was worth, to wait until someone who deserved her commitment came around.

And then, one day, she met Jirou Kyouka.

Their first meeting had been an impromptu sort of thing. Momo’s dear friend Mina had to take her new puppy, Floofles, to the vet for vaccines and spaying. It was an overnight situation with a designated pick-up time, but Mina had to be at work during the time. She has begged Momo if, since she was free that day, she could pick Floofles up and monitor her until she herself was home. And not one to let a friend in need down, Momo had agreed.

In the lobby of the little vet clinic had sat a young woman in dark colors, with short cut indigo hair, and a snarling mass of hay colored fur in her lap. Momo had been a few minutes early and was urged to take a seat while she waited, causing her to settle into the vacancy next to the stranger and her displeased pet. Upon closer examination she realized that it was a cat, with a front paw that looked to be at an odd angle, which seemed to explain the attitude. “Oh, the poor little dear,” she murmured quietly, not thinking as the words left her mouth.

Dark eyes flickered up to her, the gleam of disinterest fading to a light of interest. Her lips twitched up in a small smile. “Thank you, but he did this to himself,” she hummed, reaching out to set one hand on the cat’s head. He responded by growling audibly and jerking his head out from under her touch. “Leave the patio door open unsupervised for one minute, and he leaps out to chase a bird. Eats shit and ends up hurting his paw.”

The cat let out a displeased hiss at his dirty laundry being aired, but it only resulted in both women laughing. The next few minutes waiting for Floofles had passed in the blink of an eye as she chatted up the cat owner, learning that the cat was named Dynamight and was just a grumpy old man trapped in the body of a young cat. Once Floofles was brought out to her, Momo asked for the other’s number, explaining she wanted to see how Dynamight was doing once his paw got looked at. And while there was genuine care about the cat’s well being involved, there had also been a selfish motivation behind it, too. Her companion seemed to know as much but didn’t draw attention to it as they exchanged numbers.

That was eleven months ago, with she and Jirou’s nine month anniversary as an official couple just on the horizon. And Momo couldn’t help but smile whenever she thought about it. Jirou was unlike her past partners in so many ways. She encouraged and supported Momo’s designing works, they shared a secret love of true crime love documentaries, and she was incredibly laid back. With her, Momo could feel her walls fall down and she felt genuinely secure about it. There was something naturally calming about Jirou’s presence and approach to life - of going with the flow and taking things as they came - that was refreshing and exhilarating. So much of Momo’s own life had been slotted around by activity start and end times, of living up to expectations both real and imagined, that the idea of simply letting things be and dealing with them as they came up was incredibly freeing.

The thought occurred to her as she stepped out of the elevator at Jirou’s apartment complex and started to make her way to her door. Normally, she made sure to reach out before dropping by. Part of it was because she didn’t like just showing up unannounced, but another reason was because of her girlfriend’s erratic work schedule. The other woman did freelance work of some kind - the details were vague and confidential - so her hours tended to shift depending on the needs of her client. Sometimes, she’d be free for a good three or four days, while other times she’d be engrossed in her projects for hours at a time. Things had been pretty quiet from what little she remembered last time they talked about work, though, so she felt things would be fine this one time.

She opened the door to the front door, unsurprised to find it unlocked. Jirou tended to leave the door unlocked in case her neighbor, a bedraggled single father, ever needed to ask for an impromptu baby-sitter. His daughter liked cats and Dynamight, as Momo herself had seen, was surprisingly agreeable with the young girl when she came by. She half expected to see young Eri settled on the couch, a Disney movie playing on the television, while Jirou prepared dinner or worked on something for a client, when she stepped in.

Only to stop just a few steps through the threshold.

A map of the city was spread across the coffee table, two large pillar candles set up at the far corners of the table, while Jirou was kneeling in front of it. She was cutting open what seemed to be a small blood donation bag with some scissors, a small wooden box to her left with what seemed to be crystals inside. After a moment, Jirou reached towards the box and pulled one out, a thin strand of yarn wrapped around the crystal. She released a slow breath. “Okay, Kyouka… This shouldn’t be too hard. You haven’t exactly used this combination before but it should work out fine,” she mumbled to herself, moving the crystal to dangle over the open lip of the bag.

Momo couldn’t help it; she gasped, loud and horrified. She was completely stunned. What was all of this? What purpose did it serve? It all seemed incredibly occult. Jirou had never seemed like the type to have such interests. Hearing her gasp, Jirou jerked to stare at her with a horrified stare of her own. She opened her mouth twice, clearly scrambling to find words to string together, before she clamped it shut with a soft click of her jaw.

They stared at one another for a long moment, eyes wide and their heart beats seeming to echo in the tiny space.

"I know this looks bad, but I swear, it's not!" Jirou yelped, finally cutting through the silence, dropping the blood bag in her hands and letting it hit the ground with a sickening splat sound. Momo felt her whole body shudder with the sound and her stomach flipped uneasily. She shifted her weight back on the heels of her feet while keeping her eyes fixated on Jirou.

“Tch! She’s gonna try and make a break for it if you don’t seal the door off, ya idiot!” For a moment, Momo was befuddled by the new voice she heard. She swore she could hear quiet, cat-like growls between their words, but… That wouldn’t make sense, right? Who does cat impressionations while speaking? Slowly she turned her head in the directions of the voice, her eyes landing on the familiar fluffy form of Dynamight sitting on the kitchen counter. His pupils shrunk to slimmer slits before he curled his lips back, the voice from before sneering, “Oh, looks like she’s starting to put shit together! Get your head back in the fucking game!”

Dynamight… Her cat… Was talking? But then… Talking cats were common of…

Momo whipped around and moved to rush for the apartment door, heart beating erratically in her chest. If this was all really happening, she needed to get out! Before a hex of some kind could be placed on her, or even worse! “Wait, Yaomomo! Please hear me out!” Jirou called out after her.

Just as her hands made to grab for the handle, it shriveled and withered into the door itself like a rotten fruit being reclaimed by its tree. A startled shriek left her as she scrambled backwards, watching with wide eyes as the rest of the door melted into the frame, the seam separating the two disappearing completely. She felt herself drop to her knees and wrap her arms tight around herself. “Oh God,” she breathed shakily, closing her eyes tightly as she heard soft footfalls approaching her. “I promise I won’t tell anyone about this! J-Just please! D-Don’t hu-hurt me! L-Let me go!”

There was a quiet swishing of wind and fabric before she felt herself being lifted slightly. Then, there was a soft and warm hand gently cupping her cheek. “I would never hurt you, Momo. Please… Even if you aren’t sure how to feel about the rest of this, please know that much is the truth,” The other woman’s voice hitched with pain as she spoke, clearly wounded by the suggestion. She peeked her eyes open to see she was floating just a few feet above the ground so that she was able to meet the other’s dark eyes. Those same eyes were pleading and vulnerable.

Momo swallowed thickly before timidly nodding her head. “I’m sorry,” she breathed softly.

“No, I understand. This… Isn’t what you were anticipating to walk into,” Jirou said with a small sigh before glancing over at the sacrificial site set up on her coffee table. “Just let me clean that up real fast, put on some tea and then I’ll explain.” Momo nodded with a bit more certainty before she was carefully floated over and set delicately on the couch.

She sat and watched in quiet bemusement as the other skittered to and fro, using what Momo could only assume was magic to help her. The longer she observed, the more relaxed she gradually became. While she worked at getting the blood cleaned up off the wood paneling, Dynamight actually rummaged through the kitchen cabinets to fish out the kettle and start filling it up. It was a little impressive to watch how he did it with his paws and teeth, though she could still hear the quiet grumbled swears he released as he did. Once all the summoning stuff and blood were cleaned up, Jirou prepared them each a cup of tea and settled into the couch seat a space away from Momo, giving her a good amount of breathing room.

She handed the cup over carefully with one hand. “I went with that citrus one you brought a while back. I remembered that one having a nice little zing to it,” she explained.

“Thank you,” Momo took a quick sip of her own cup, disregarding how it scalded her tongue just a smidge. “So… You’re a witch, I take it.” she said evenly.

Jirou nodded. “Yes, I am,”

“And Dynamight-!”

“Bakugo,”

“Huh?”

“His actual name is Bakugo Katsuki. Dynamight is just his… um.. Common cat name. Easier than explaining the logistics of a familiar,” she explained with a small nervous laugh.

“So he is your familiar,” she mused, taking another sip. The other nodded as she took a sip from her own cup as well, setting it on the coaster on the coffee table when she was done. 

Jirou’s hands clutched at her knees, eyes skirting down to stare at them instead. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I’ve wanted to but… I was worried. There’s a lot of paperwork and hoops to jump through to get that kind of clearance. And even then… There’s no guarantee that you’d want to keep that knowledge. And if that happened, your memories would have to be wiped and I couldn’t see you anymore.”

Momo blinked in surprise. “Wait, what?”

“It’s a safety protocol that the higher ups implement to keep the general public safe, as well as those of us in the bureau,” she sighed, lifting her head to peek up at her worriedly. It was clear she was uneasy but was also being transparent. “Though, I suppose I should actually… Well, explain what’s going on here, huh?”

She nodded. “So… Is this related to your work?”

“Yes, actually. See, I’m aligned with what’s called the I.B.O.M.O., which is abbreviated further to I-Boom, and is short for International Bureau of Magical Events. As a representative, I have the ability to travel between this realm - the mortal plane - and the realm of magical creatures - the magical plane. As such, it is my responsibility to keep instances of magical creatures and mortal interactions limited. Part of that is tracking down rogue magicals that come into the mortal plane without the proper permissions and, if they encounter a mortal, wiping memories and issuing out punishments,” she explained, picking her cup back up and taking a sip.

“So what you were doing… Was that related to something like that?” Momo asked with a tilt of her head.

Jirou nodded. “Yes. I was trying to scry. My current assignment is to track down the heir of a noble warlock family who has apparently fled to this plane. He is apparently somewhere in this city but.. Well, since he hails from a high ranking family, his magical skills have been well-honed so trying to find him has been a struggle. I’d been hoping that by combining my scrying technique and a powerful conjuring technique using the bird blood I could… Well… Try to get some idea as to where he might be,” she sighed, letting her shoulders slump. “This is the longest I’ve ever taken on an assignment and it’s.. Well, it’s difficult.”

Momo stared at her before glancing back down at her cup. Her thumb traced along the rim of the cup thoughtfully, an idea turning about in her head. “Could… Could I help you find him?”

“Huh?”

“The fuck can a human like you do to help?” Dynamight - erh, Bakugo? - chimed in, hopping down from the breakfast nook and trotting over. He scrambled up and sat on the table, glaring her down with his ears back and fluffy tail lashing. “If a witch with as many accomplishments as Earlobes is having a hard time, what fucking chance does a mere human like you have?”

“Well, if you have an idea of around when he appeared, I can ask around,” Momo said, tone a little petulant. The sheer lunacy that she was arguing with a cat wasn’t lost on her completely - and she made note to ask Jirou later how, exactly, it was she could hear his voice - but she still felt the need to, as immature as it was. “I have a lot of connections around the city. I might be able to get you a list of suspects, since there is the chance he could do… Um… What is it called? Glamour?”

Jirou giggled a bit. “You’re right. Glamour is the tool magical creatures use to disguise their true forms,” She lightly tapped her chin in thought. “Hmm. That’s not a bad idea, actually. He could be using glamour to disguise his appearance since it’s so unique. Make himself harder to find.” Momo smiled at Jirou’s words, her heart fluttering a bit at the prospect of being about to help her girlfriend. “But… If you’re going to get involved, I’ll need to file the proper paperwork and make a protection charm for you. I want you to be safe. I don’t think the nobleman would harm you but… I don’t know the specifics of why he left the magical plan unannounced. I’d rather air on the side of caution.”

Momo nodded as she took another sip of her tea. A part of her told her she shouldn’t get this invested. It was Jirou’s work and she herself wasn’t a witch. She shouldn’t be getting involved too heavily. But… If she could help her girlfriend, wasn’t it worth it? If it gave her a chance to show how much she appreciated how good Jirou was to her, it had to be worth it.

[fortunatelyfresco]

Rupdate (rat update) bc i have a lot of stuff to process

cw pet death if the readmore doesn't work

Found Clementine dead at the bottom of the cage last night. She looked... fine. No visible wounds, nothing twisted the wrong way. Location maybe suggested a fall, but we would have heard it. There was substrate clenched in one paw, like she'd been digging. I don't have many good pictures of her for a tribute post because she spent most of her time zooming around or (happily) nestled into hiding places. Here's a couple favorites, though. She's the blond one.

I think she might have just been older than we thought. We adopted her from a breeder who was retiring her due to her age. They rescued her, so they weren't sure either. She had no apparent health problems. I've always seen warnings that Sometimes Rats Just Die. This is our first brush with that. The timing is eerie and unfortunate only a couple days after having ʻImi put to sleep, but I don't think there's anything more to it.

Half a mind to ask the property owners about carbon monoxide monitoring bc that's the second seemingly healthy animal we've had drop dead in less than two months, but it would have killed more of the rats by now if that was the case. It's just a series of unfortunate coincidences. David's genetics were stacked against him and rats are fragile and just don't live that long.

I haven't posted much about David because it doesn't feel like he's mine to grieve, but I do miss him. I was learning how to be his friend in the way he wanted. He was hanging out with me more. So many of my pictures are just... him.

ʻImi had a mass in her stomach that the vet thought was maybe a tumor, and almost definitely inoperable. It was nice to speak to a vet who was frank and realistic about the odds without veering straight into "rats are tricky and small and i won't touch them" territory.

ʻImi was having good and bad days but it seemed like she was starting to have more bad days than good, or the bad days were getting worse. She was scrunched up in the carrier and her body was... not the right shape. I could see the vet trying to carefully guide the conversation towards euthanasia, so I brought it up first. They let me hold her. She demolished most of the treats in the carrier first. She wouldn't drink water out of a bowl but she'd lick it off my fingers. We did that for a long time while we waited for the paperwork. I didn't want her to die thirsty.

Addie's collection of reoccurring abscesses and skin problems are, the vet thinks, due to the small cyst under her arm getting reinfected over and over again. Of the three rats I brought in, he said she had the best chances of surgery fixing the problem. She's always seemed unfazed but she's a prey animal, that's what they do, so I brought her in anyway. The appointment was originally only for Bandit and ʻImi, the two emergencies, but the vets let me add a third rat. I left them a very nice review.

Bandit has a huge mass near her genitals. It started small and accompanied by discharge, and we panicked about pyometra and took her right away to a vet who looked her over, refused to test anything, and prescribed an antibiotic without weighing her.

This new vet talked to me seriously about what it might be, how to measure her quality of life, the pros and cons of surgery depending on what it actually is, and took a sample to have tested. He called me today to say he thinks it's a cyst.

I scheduled her and Addie for surgery on the same day. It's the day after we get our vaccines, so not ideal, because the mask mandate has ended here, but I asked about precautions and the vet said they're still doing curbside service and having staff wear masks. They only brought me inside last time because there was confusion about which rat was which and, reading between the lines, because he suspected we'd be euthanizing one of them.

So our remaining rats are: Bandit, Addie, Malino, Kiki, and Phantom. We are ordering more coco coir today for their digging substrate. I keep expecting to look into the cage and see someone else lying dead in the dirt. We were in the middle of a conversation when I glanced over and saw Clem lying there in the corner, too flat and too still.

I always tell people I think of the rats as a colony. As long as I have at least a couple, the colony survives. I guess this is when I find out how much I really mean that. I think it's okay to love them individually and be sad about losing them, but if it destroys me every time then I can't afford to be a rat owner. They're too fleeting for me to give my whole heart to each and every one.

[twinkleallnight]

Marshmallow

(Part-8) Fight or flight

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairing: Liam x MC, Drake x ??

For previous chapters: catch up here

A/N: This fic is my submission for this week’s #WackyDrabbles. The prompt is: ‘Oh? Just once?’ and will appear in bold.

A/N 2: Thank u @ritachacha for helping out and connecting me to @queen-of-effing-everything who gave me a basic idea of the noble houses and further gave a lead and I met @lizzybeth1986 . Lizzy, your essays are amazing. You have helped me with your vast knowledge and It was an enlightening discussion. This chapter wouldn't have been without your inputs.

Music inspo: Connan Gray

Tags: @ao719 @aloneautumn @charlotteg234 @choiceskatie @cordonia-gothqueen @cordonianroyalty @daisydancer12385 @drakewalker04 @gardeningourmet @gkittylove99 @glaimtruelovealways @hopefulmoonobject @hopelessromanticmonie @iam-the-kind-and-thoughtful @idontknowwhysblog @islandcrow @jovialyouthmusic @jaxsmutsuo @kingliam2019 @lovablegranny @mrswalkers-blog @mom2000aggie @no-one-u-know @ntoraplayschoices @ritachacha @speedyoperarascalparty @shanzay44 @texaskitten30 @loudbluebirdlover @queenrileyrose @sanchita012 @theroyalheirshadowhunter @wackydrabbles @yourmajesty09

The next few days are spent busy, at the stables. After couple of days, Liam walks in, as I am tending to Brawny in the separate temporary shed, that I got made for the infected horses. I signal him to wait. I change out of my protective clothes and scrub before meeting him outside.

“Welcome back home! So, how did Lythikos treat you?” I know I am beating around the bush, when I am asking it. But I don’t want to hit him straight with the awkward question. I know he is equally in an uneasy position.

“Yes, all well.” He gives me an agonizing stare. “I had a talk with her.” He brings up the inevitable topic. “I think she did it out of desperation and jealousy.”

“It is alright Liam. She is not blind and not a child anymore. She can see where you are inclined.” I let out a sigh, “It’s difficult to read a woman’s mind. I feel sad for the manner in which we are parting ways. Part of growing up, I guess!”

Liam gives out a sigh too and then changes the subject, “Everything under control here?”

“Yes. I reached in time. There were two more horses showing similar signs. Got all three horses isolated. And vaccinated remaining ones.”

“You are good at your job. Even father seems to have blind faith in you, when it comes to vet skills.” He chuckles.

“Thank you.” I smirk thinking of king Constantine. It’s his inherent nature to always doubt and question everyone. “I have to report and update it to him later today. Let’s see what he has to say.”

Liam gives me a friendly pat, and we head to the palace for a quiet lunch together. I get a call from Max soon after we finish our meals. “It’s an emergency. I am sending you the address. Meet me in half an hour.” He sounds serious.

I drive down to the coffee shop, which he mentioned in his text. When I walk in, I find him sitting in the corner booth, his feet tapping on the floor nervously, and his blue eyes scanning the scene around, in a hope to find solution to the problem he is carrying in his mind.

“What’s wrong?” I ask settling down across the table.

“I don’t know. Bertrand doesn’t seem to be interested in giving me the whole story. He thinks I’m still his baby brother.” He rolls his eyes. “All I know is, that the crew we hired for our yacht for the Royal Regatta scheduled tomorrow, has ditched us.”

“It’s just a symbolic boat race and not an actual one with a pressure to win.” I try to lay down the facts.

“But you know Bertrand. He won’t leave any stone unturned to win it. Also, it’s king’s favourite event. He wants that Riley should bag the prize, so that she gets a chance to interact with the king. It is kind of gaining brownie points.

“Hmm." I ponder. "How many members do we need? Let’s count. You and I will be there.”

“You will do that for me?” he says, his eyes widening with a shine.

“I will. If you promise not to crack your stupid jokes during the event.” I warn him. “Who else can be roped in?”

“I don’t want to include anyone else. I don’t know what is wrong with House Beaumont and it’s difficult to explain to outsiders. So, I think just three of us. I hope we will be able to pull through. Will you be okay with that?”

“Yeah, I see no problem there. What about Bertrand?”

“ He is in a bad mood. Angry, sad, frustrated, all at the same time. He should be fine by tomorrow to give us a helping hand.”

We finish discussing all the minor details for the boat race in next hour and then walk out of the coffee shop.

The following day, at the Royal Regatta, I stand on the deck taking in the salty air.

Riley comes and stands beside me. “What are you looking at?”

“I just realised the actual count of suitors for the first time, by the number of boats, of course. I hardly know any of them. For me they are only the names I hear from the conversation with Liam. I should know at least this much, right?”

“Yes, you are his best friend and best friend should know it all.” She says it with a wink.

“Am I missing something?”

“Just that, may be, I am falling head over heels for your friend.” She grins.

“And you are revealing this to me and not him?”

“I don’t want to burden him more. He has too much to handle already. I know, being a crown prince, he cannot open up about his feelings for one particular suitor in the midst of the social season. So, I don’t want to tell him, just yet, lest he gets anxious and tries to spend more time with me. That would put him in a tricky situation.”

I sweep her in a big bear hug. “Oh, Brooks! I am so happy to know that.” I part away and look into her brown eyes, tears of happiness glinting in them. “He is so lucky to have you. That’s all he needed. Someone who understands him, his struggles, his responsibilities.”

I hug her back and whisper in her ears, “Let me give out a secret. He may also be sharing the same feelings.”

“I know.” She says gleefully looking up at me.

“Okay now let me help you enhance your knowledge about my competitors.” She rolls her eyes. “Let’s start from the right.” She points out to the boat lined up in extreme right to us.

The sight is full of colourful sails. Each of these boats have a flag representing their house. The one Riley pointed to, has a black flag with a silver owl on it.

Riley starts “That should be from the duchy of Castelsarreillan represented by Kiara Theron, the future Duchess.” Riley continues.

“Yes, the owl represents their house. Their family has intelligence and art running in their blood. Duke Theron is a very wise man and the Duchess is an artist.” I add on.

“So, you have met him?”

“Once.”

“Oh? just once?” Riley gives me a playful smile.

“Yeah.”

“Kiara is very smart, logical person and a linguist.” Riley elaborates. “Next to her should be her best friend’s boat.”

I observe purple flag with golden waves and a narwhal painted on it. “Portavira.” I blurt out.

“ I guess, it’s the only duchy with a sea port. Penelope Ebrim represents the house. Easy way to identify her is, you will find her talking about her poodles every now n then. You may like her.” She teases me. “She is an animal lover and she is sweet and kind.” She flashes that smile again.

I cut her, “Wait. Are you trying to set me up, Brooks?”

She lets out a laughter. “No, I better not. I can see where your interests lie.” She raises a knowing eyebrow at me, making me blush behind my tough skin.

“Let’s quiz you with the one with green flag.” Riley gestures at the next boat where a green flag with a pine tree on it, flutters.

“Madeliene, right?”

“Yes, the ambitious countess of Fydelia.” Riley fans out her hand. “You must be knowing all about her from Leo’s social season.” She pauses and then claps for the boat next to us. “ And that’s my dear friend Hana as our left side neighbour.”

A pink flag with purple orchids, furnishes Hana's boat. Just then, as on cue, Hana appears on the deck. “Hey there guys!” She waves out. “Time to greet the king at the harbour.”

“Lets go!” Riley jumps up excitedly.

“You proceed. I am better here, away from the crowd. I will wait for you to come back, and then we do our favourite thing together. Race!”

“As it suits you.”

“Just one question. How do you know so much in detail about all the houses in such a little time? A few months back, you didn’t even know where on earth Cordonia is,!”

Riley smiles wide, “Bertrand is my teacher, remember?” she says gazing up at the House Beaumont flag on our boat that shines with its silver sheen, a squid in the centre and the motto embroidered in blue, 'Depths to remember'.

“We didn’t talk about your friend’s, House Nevrakis, but I am sure you don’t need introduction there.” Riley speaks looking at the only boat to our left side.

I shake my head and make myself busy, untangling the wires of my earphones that I plan to put on, till Riley returns and the race begins. She shrugs her shoulder, “Bye! See you in a jiffy!”

“Bye!” I wave out to her and turn to the sea.

Before I could plug in some music, the fluttering of the Nevrakis flag catches my attention. The crimson flag has a flaming sword of steel on it. The motto shines in gold,

‘If you can breathe, you can stand.

If you can stand, you can fight.’

Just then a seagull flies high over the boat, crooning a song for the lonely sea.

I plug in my earphones and the song fills my ears and my mind,

‘Something’s gotten into you

You don’t really look at me the way you used to

And I’m hoping it ain’t true

Every single rumour that I’ve heard of you say……..

It’s time to move,

Fight or flight….

Fight or flight.’

[smokeybrandreviews]

NBA Rant: Back to Business

It’s been a clean minute since I've written one of these, mostly because it’s been a few years since the NBA has even had a semblance of normalcy. The pandemic f*cked a lot of sh*t up and, while my LAkers took the title in the bubble and Giannis got the first one post-Bubble, i can’t help but be emotionally divorced from the last two years of hoop. They were aberrations, asterisk years, due to the reverberating consequences of poor federal leadership during a whole ass global plague. I love hoop and i enjoyed what we got these last two years, but if you’re telling me that these two seasons are legit, you’re crazy. Now that the vaccine is out in the wild and sh*t is opening back up, we can get back to the business of basketball. We can get back to an actual schedule that doesn’t favor the young and hungry so heavily. Injuries last season were absurd and i knew they would be considering the turnaround. This off-season is the beginning of real NBA basketball and i got some sh*t to say about.

Fear the Deer

Off the top, congratulations to the f*cking Milwaukee Bucks! Fifty years without an NBA title. The last won they cashed in was by the hand of a man named Lou Alcindor. It was beautiful to see and i loved watching it happen. History was made on several fronts but that one was the most gratifying. Giannis got his ring, the second Antetokounmpo brother to do it, but I'm so happy or kid. This was his coming out party. With this title and Finals MVP, Giannis has solidified himself as a legend of the NBA and patron saint of Milwaukee. Kid got the shine and now it just remains to be seen how many times he can catch that lightning in his career.

Book is Coming

The Suns were surprisingly close to winning a title. Like, one turnover away from hoisting that trophy. If you watched that series, you know what turnover I'm talking about. CP3 literally dropped he ball and it cost them a shot to be the lat team standing. Still, he balled for his life and i respect it. Moreso, i love what his veteran leadership did to that locker room. He got Ayton believing in himself and, more importantly, Devin Booker looking like a mini Mamba. Watching him seethe quietly as that confetti dropped and just utter the word, “Damn” was a lot. Kid got a taste and he’s about to play the best hoop of his life. The League should be terrified. I would not be surprised of Book takes that leap and challenges for “Best in the World” over the course of next season.

Mamba Mentality

Kobe Bryant was all over these Playoffs and i loved seeing it. It’s been a year since we lost Kobe and Gigi but that hurt has softened. Rest in Power, always, but the torch you lit under these kids has turned into a blaze. From Ice Trey to Giannis to D. Book, to Luka, to even Kawhi; Kobe’s legacy is strong in the current NBA. It’s weird to say but these young kids see the Mamba like we old heads see Jordan and rightfully so. Kobe is a legend and it does my heart good to see that legend continue into the next generation of NBA superstars.

Solving Simmons

Ben Simmons was exposed during these playoffs. It was f*cking hard to watch, bud. Like, excruciating. Never mind that he’s a professional, NBA level, small forward that can’t shoot, the dude can’t even make f*cking free throws! Like, Giannis has a problem taking too long to shoot them shots but he still makes them at a reasonable clip. Been Simmons shot the worst free throw percentage in NBA history; A history that includes f*cking Shaquille O’Neal! Bro, how?? It’s obvious that trusting The Process was a mistake and you might even lose Embiid over it. Doc wants to keep Ben but no. No, trade his ass to some team for a young buck who can spread the floor and give Embiid room to work closer to the cup. That dude was playing MVP level ball for the majority of last season, only to see his efforts squandered in the Playoffs where it counts. Also, Philly probably shouldn’t have hired Doc Rivers. That dude got lucky once, close to lucky a second time, and has failed consistently, spectacularly, ever sense. He literally has blown the most 3-1 leads in NBA history.

Fakers

I don’t think the Nets are as good as everyone thinks they are. Like, i get it; Overpowered and front loaded with all of that talent but that’s it. I’ve heard that a lot of the other pieces are unhappy with all the Superstar treatment their big three are getting. It’s chaffing the actually nuts and bolts that you need to drive those championship aspirations. So much so that Spencer Dinwiddle is looking to jump ship and sign with my LAkers, who i will get to in a minute. Spencer Dinwiddie. This would be a staggering loss for the Nets mostly because do was their dirty work guy. He’s the enforcer, Rodman with a jumper. Losing him would be like losing a position while you’re racing in Daytona. But they just might and that sh*t will steer this entire team straight into the wall. On paper. Who knows? Durant has been known to asspull sh*t when the game counts.

Clowns

Everyone owes Paul George a goddamn apology. Playoff P has always bee a thing, he just needs room to work. Free of Kawhi and his near identical game George showed us what his game really looks like, and it’s near pre-leg break form. Paul George can ball and i still hate that he’s playing in the wrong LA jersey. Now, that aside, The Clippers area joke. They think they were sized up for a championship by signing Kawhi off a title run in Toronto and prying PG away from a devastated OKC but in realty, they were just measuring for their f*cking clown suit. This Clippers team has been absolutely f*cking awful. Even after banishing arguably the worst head coach in the league to Philadelphia, they still sh*t the bed. This is bad tam with no rudder. hey have no leader and are plagued with ego. Win/lost records were unreliable last season because it’s goofy nature but this team definitely didn’t play like they deserved their seed, not when GS and the LAkers had to play just to get into the show. The Clippers have been consistently bad and trading either Kawhi or George away for solid assets complimentary to the remainders game would probably be in their best interest.

Move On

And now, the whole reason i wanted to write this thing, let’s get into my LAkers! This team was so much better than their record but, considering they were one of two teams who had the least amount of recovers, and the oldest among the pair, it stands to reason they would be exhausted going into this rushed season. I absolutely believe that, if this was a proper season with enough rest over the summer, my LAkers would have made it to at least the Western Conference Finals. They had all of the talent to do so but injuries. I’d say run it back but there are things that have come to light over this last season, things that need to be addressed. Okay, Schroeder is a diva who wants too much money for what little production he gave us and Kuz is too inconsistent to be a proper Sixth option. Where do we go from here?

Go Big

I think we trade Kuz for a three-and-D guy. Send his to Sac for Buddy Hield or someone like that. I love Kuz but he just don’t got it. I get his role is in flux but come on? That shouldn’t effect your percentages. You might score less with less touches, but those numbers shouldn’t fall off a cliff, man. Schroeder should be a contract dump or given away in a sign-and-trade for, say, Kyle Lowry. Dude is a vet who can run an offense like a machine. DeMar DeRozen wants to come home to LA and i would welcome that. I love his game and i think it can fit well into the LA system, especially with Bron taking away more jumpers lately. I love Montrezl Harrell and i think he can slide into that space Kuz couldn’t fit perfectly so re-singing him should be a priority, but only if that doesn’t interfere with securing Spencer Dinwidde. That dude shores up everything the LAkers need, outside of play-making. I would love the LAkers to make all these moves, and it can happen with certain financial acrobatics, but if not, definitely try to sign Dinwiddle and Lowry. Those cats will have an immediate effect on the LAkers title chances.

[breesays]

All's well that ends well

It's been a fairly dramatic week(s). Time elapsed since last blog? Is there a specific word for that? SINCE LAST MISSIVE? Whatever. We had VISITORS for the first time in a year and a half. First my mom - a dream, because she was so excited to be the first one to get Des out of the crib in the morning and snuggle him. WE SLEEP INNNN. And then my mother in law, also with those toddler huggin' arms - but less mobile. Des is a sweet boy but I also believe he has a good gauge on who he can run circles around. We've been blessed with kind neighbors who are quick to swoop in and follow Des around when one of us is at work and one of us is at the (could be a 2-4 hour wait?) animal hospital. But any amount of guests makes me feel like I'm on an episode of hoarders. It's a give\take in terms of comfort vs cash. Closeness and cleanliness. Etc.

Archie Archie Archie. This effin cinnamon roll of a cat really pushes the boundaries of my emotions. If you're a regular reader you might recall we came home early from our winter "vacay" because he was being elusive on the baby monitors (and to our cat-sitting angel neighbors) and I had a meltdown. WELL. Imagine said feline having physical, tangible troubles. Troubles in the shape of a blue ribbon (foreign linear object) used to adorn one of Desmond's birthday gifts. A SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLAR RIBBON. Please higher powers earth energy let my investment in pet insurance be worth it. I will record a testimonial if you he she they'd like.

He was puking normal stomach stuff and then water and then blood and then we were at an animal hospital. A BIRTHDAY GIFT crippled Archie because we didn't pick up the blue fucking ribbon. DO YOU KNOW THE CYCLE OF EMOTIONS I WENT THROUGH. Not immediately. I had to answer calls absorb information make decisions. But once he was out of surgery I just cried and cried and cried because of all the scenarios I had to walk through. I didn't want to eat dinner I just wanted to CRY. You can't give those scenarios space on your head at the time because - I don't know about you but - when I am most upset I don't even have a voice. I have this cry-croak. So I can't go there, I just can't, if I want to get things done. About an hour after we got word that he was safely post-op I also had a mini-meltdown because Archie sleeps with stuffed animals - we say he has many "babies" - and he was sleeping in the hospital apart from us apart from his babies... what if he couldn't sleep? My Aunt Jen suggested we call the hospital and ask if we could bring it in. I asked Tim to call because I was too cry-croaky to even ask. Both a yes and a no would have warranted the same inaudible reaction. So I got to take him his (heart) baby and a shirt that Tim had worn that day. I like to think it helped him, but I know it mostly helped me.

Now he is home and recovering in the [1-door] Large dog crate I ran out and bought him at Petco half an hour after we brought him home. It's in the kitchen. Today I bought him accompanying food bowls and a cushion. We checked his scar and offered him wet food after the vet called to check in. I now picture all vets, even female ones, as Ted from Schitt's Creek. On a Schitt's Creek personality test, I got Ted. So really, it's Ted's fault I cried so much worrying about Archie.

In that same time frame, on Saturday morning I felt like I got hit by a truck. I got the 2nd dose of the Moderna vaccine at 2pm the day before. For real, I hadn't been that all-over-achey since I was in a car accident. Des was very moody, too. So I felt sore and powerless and I wanted to hold him and play with him but I felt hot and cold and just ill. We were scheduled to pick up Archie at 4:30PM. I, an introvert, had been glued to the phone since Thursday night. Did I mention I smashed my face against a wall that has ALWAYS BEEN THERE? My nose bled. TALK ABOUT TAXING, MAN.

But here we are on a Monday night and I made it we made it you made it. I'm tired, I have therapy tomorrow. We do once a month so I kind of have to decide which can of worms to pop open, if there are multiple. Probably best if I make notes ahead of time.

The tangential stuff:

Des loves "hot thai noodles" (direct quote)

I bought a pair of CHELSEA boots to make my ROMPER look more upscale

We're watching Call The Midwife and I simply don't understand how anyone could accidentally have 8 children

Ask the questions before it's too late

Is anyone talking to Gen Z about homebuying? Or maybe a better title would be "throwing your money into the fire or?" because I wish someone had engaged the elder millennials nope this needs editing.

I don't know if I've actually lost weight but I'm at that point where I'm happy my pants are falling off but also annoyed because who even owns BELTS?

Mamas don't let your cats grow up to be ribbon-eaters.

[wellesleyunderground]

Pandemic Pregnancy by Jess Sirizzotti ‘10 (@JezRebelle)

Having your first kid during a global pandemic makes for a very weird experience. Though the much anticipated “quarantine baby boom” turned out not to be the reality, there were still many pregnancies that started, continued, or wrapped up in 2020-2021.

Being pregnant during a pandemic is about as isolating as you’d expect. Reduced immunity plus *gestures vaguely* everything meant that a lot of people grew a person in unprecedented ways. What I struggled with the most (beyond the overarching panic and dread of a world on fire) was that there was no benchmarking. I could have made it nine months at work before telling anyone, because they only saw me on video conference from the clavicle up. There were no hospital tours, no childbirth classes, no expectant parenting groups. 

Whenever you’re going through it, there seems to be no middle ground between dry, evidence-based medicine and projecting yourself entirely into the astral plane for communing with the ancestors. Here are a few things that helped me through my pregnancy, and some things I wish I’d known earlier.

Illustration Credit: Mercedes deBellard

Prep work

There are plenty of guides about how much you should have saved or what kind of physical shape you should be in. Some of that is helpful.

Oddly missing from those guides is “get a handle on your traumas.” Talk to a therapist. Talk to a partner. Talk to yourself in a diary where you ask yourself questions about what you want to carry with you and what terrifies you about having a kid. There are questionnaires for people donating living organs, and it does not hurt to say, “Hey, if there is a problem with ANY OF THE MYRIAD OF THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG, how would I work through those feelings? What are the boundaries I want for this process that will make me feel safer or in control?””

If you’re getting pregnant with someone who will raise this kid with you, get into it with them. Have very specific conversations about what you will do about parental leave, diapers, daycare, requests for tattoos from a twelve-year-old. My husband and I would read the Care & Feeding parenting column from Slate, debating how we would handle the conundrums of different letters before getting the “answer” from the columnist.

Also, get as full a picture of family pregnancy as you can. You might know your own birth story, but what about the other half of the genetics you’ll be juggling? I, personally, managed to mash up my MIL’s hyperemesis gravidarum and my mom’s gestational diabetes which has been...not a great time.

And ask *lots* of questions. I had pretty low-stakes issues making it into the world, but it turns out all my dad’s generation of siblings all needed to stay in the NICU. My dad had multiple full-body blood transfusions in his first days. That would have been helpful to know!

That said, what I was most shocked to learn is that there is no way to know what kind of pregnancy you’re going to have until you’re in it. Even if you’ve had a kid before—you can have wildly different experiences! There’s literally no way to know in advance!

Pro tip: you can’t know for certain what pregnancy will be like for you, but getting a broad picture can help it seem less like a cliff jump into the unknown.

Getting pregnant will take longer than you think

Once again, for those in the back, GETTING PREGNANT WILL TAKE LONGER THAN YOU THINK. 

For starters, you will need to stop not getting pregnant, which has been the focus of most young adult lives since your fertility started. I had to get my IUD removed and also get revaccinated for a bunch of things (rubella, flu, tetanus). If you were on the pill, it may take a few months to get everything out of your system. Then, you will do something to try to get pregnant and wait for two weeks. Whether it takes two weeks, two months, or ten years—it will feel like a very long time.

Especially because by this point, I felt ready to have a child. I looked at the calendar and thought, “Oh good, the kid will be X horoscope sign. They’ll have their birthday during the school year. Their birthday will be X year, and that will be easy to remember.” I made plans.

And then I just...didn’t get pregnant. And kept not getting pregnant. Every month of getting my period was so frustrating. I had charted my cycle! I had taken my temperature to figure out if I was ovulating! I swallowed these giant prenatal vitamins that are the size of a human toe!

Some people do get pregnant instantly, and many blessings on their ultra-efficient plumbing. Some people get pregnant when they don’t want to, and they should be able to have a choice about whether to have those kids. 

For most people, there will be a while between deciding to have a child through pregnancy and getting one started. It is happening everywhere, to countless people, and is one of the hardest, loneliest, most unintelligible experiences—made worse by the fact that people are shoving their feet into their own faces around you for the entire experience. You’re surrounded by people getting pregnant (magically! easily! with barely a whisper of effort!), people asking you when you will become pregnant, people congratulating you on not being pregnant because you can go out, drink, get really into aerial silks, etc. And you will have to not punch them in the face.

If you are under 35, most doctors will not even talk to you about fertility issues until you have tried for a year. That’s a minimum of twelve cycles of trying, twelve “I feel really good about this month” conversations, twelve pregnancy tests that say you’re not pregnant, twelve months at a job you may not like but stay at because they have good parental leave benefits or insurance coverage.

After a year (and after you get on their schedule) a fertility specialist can offer you fun adventures like getting dye injected into your fallopian tubes to see if they’re blocked, approval to shoot yourself up with expensive hormones (at home! with a real needle!), and any of the other amazing methods technology and medicine have discovered that tweak any of the multitude of handoffs that need to happen for a pregnancy to “take.”

If I can ask one thing, assume at least one person in earshot of your public conversation is trying to get pregnant and can’t—and be a little kinder.

Pro tip: get the cheaper pregnancy tests with lines rather than the electronic ones with words, because there are few bigger downers than seeing “NOT PREGNANT” month after month.

Find a practitioner you like

Because eventually, you will want to strangle them. It’s important to start with someone you like, so that the strangling phase will be late in the pregnancy and not a sustained hatred for nine full months.

Whether you’re pregnant or working with a reproductive specialist, having someone who listens to you will help. Some people cannot deal with hippie woo woo, some cannot imagine a pregnancy that’s all medical jargon. If you’re a person of color or want to have certain cultural traditions respected from the get-go, vetting at the beginning can avoid being at loggerheads later. Take some time to reflect on good and bad medical experiences you’ve had, and if you have options, choose someone who will not make you hyperventilate every time you have an appointment.

For me, I knew I needed a doctor who would not give me a hard time about weight gain. I have a history of disordered eating and (pre-pregnancy) was competing as a super heavyweight lifter, so am used to plenty of unsolicited opinions about my weight and what I should be doing with it. Pregnancy is fraught enough to take a single off-hand comment to an extreme, and I was deeply uninterested in negotiating an anorexia relapse while battling all the pregnancy changes.

If you have some time, shuffle up your pre-pregnancy appointments to get a feel for different doctors. I pulled up ZocDoc for my insurance network and came up with some finalists: had my annual exam by one, my IUD taken out by another, and my MMR re-vaccine done by a third. I knew my practice was right for me when the doctor offered to take all weight measurements patient-blind for the entire pregnancy.

Pro tip: think about what style of doctoring would make you feel better during this time, and give yourself the gift of one less thing to stress about.

Taking information in

Like the best of us, I enjoy a Wikipedia rabbit hole. I’m an especially good finder and am frequently tagged in as the friend who can unearth the secret Tumblr or yearbook photo of an elusive crush. I can find anything, and have a Jeopardy-level mental trapper keeper for bizarre edge-cases.

This is...not great for pregnancy, especially when unleashed on the “seems legit” constellation of mommy blogs. There are a million things that can go wrong with a pregnancy, and past a certain point, knowing more does not make you more likely to avoid or survive them.

Think of it like a fractal. Having the general shape of the tree: useful. Hyperfocusing so hard on one of the branches that you lose days in front of the computer screen, diving deeper into medical texts and unconfirmed narratives until you completely glaze over: less so.

Knowing this about myself helped me manage the unceasing amount of feedback offered by everyone from doctors to bystanders. I limited myself to one book (Emily Oster’s Expecting Better, which is wonderful), a doctor I trusted, and small doses of the Wellesley pregnancy group. I still couldn’t stop myself from reading every op-ed about miscarriage and stillbirth, but I was able to process them as things I was choosing to read instead of a compulsion I could not turn off.

Pro tip: really think about how much information serves you. It can feel like knowing every little thing will make you an expert who is ironclad against any malady. That’s, unfortunately, not how it works.

Sending information out

Like information gathering, you’ll want to decide how, when, and who to share information with. Having a pandemic pregnancy gave me a lot more power over when I disclosed than I would have had normally—I was sick as hell and it would have been a first-month discussion at work rather than a third-month one. It has allowed others to have entire pregnancies in private, only announcing when the baby has been delivered.

I found it helpful to think of pregnancy updates in concentric rings: my husband and I in the innermost circle, immediate family and some friends next, wider friend group and extended family, and then everyone else. I didn’t have to give minute-by-minute updates to everyone in the world if I didn’t want to, and a quick “Oh actually that’s private” was usually enough to keep any especially nosy questions to a minimum.

There were people who surprised me with wanting to know much more, and some who heard “baby” and unsubscribed. Both are fine!

Pro tip: if at all possible, curate a group of friends who are far from having first kids so that you can be assured of a rapt audience of “WHAT can happen??” Plus, at least one friend with a recent kid who’s very organized who can tell you what’s helpful to buy and what is BS.

Particular pandemic weirdness (good and bad)

While it has been lonely, it has also been wonderfully private. Some particular strange markers:

It is very odd to go from several months of zero physical contact with anyone outside my apartment directly into an intravaginal ultrasound.

My husband is going to meet our doctor at the delivery, because no one except patients is allowed past the lobby at our practice.

I will likely not need to buy any maternity clothes, because my pandemic outfits of blousy shirts and stretchy pants to work from home will suit perfectly.

No one touches my stomach unless I want them to.

Remote birthing classes allow you to snicker as much as you’d like from the comfort of your couch.

Things I did not know and wish I had

The way they count how far along you are starts from the first day of your last period. That is not when you got pregnant, but is the easiest way to have a consistent range for all patients (who may or may not be tracking ovulation spikes).

It is normal to have spotting-level breakthrough bleeding at some point during your pregnancy. The books will tell you this. Your doctor will tell you this. I am telling you this now. It will not make a damn bit of difference, because the moment you see blood, you will panic and be certain you are having a miscarriage. No one will be able to convince you otherwise until you get checked out.

Your entire digestive system slows waaaay down to accommodate a pregnancy, and is part of the reason for nausea. I had heard that you will need to pee all the time, but hadn’t heard that you will almost entirely stop pooping. And then once a week, you will crap yourself inside out.

The placenta can grow wherever it wants, including smack-dab over your cervix. This offends me more than I can say. That’s where the baby needs to go out! (C-section is required in these cases)

A cesarean birth is a horizontal cut, like an envelope opening and then they squeeze the baby through it. I always pictured it vertical, like opening a book.

Acronyms are a minefield on pregnancy forums. For months, I read posts thinking “FTM” meant “female-to-male trans person” instead of “first-time mom.” Don’t be afraid to Google to keep your bearings, but also feel free to create your own—DH can be “Dear” or “Damn” Husband depending on context.

“Morning sickness” is a misnomer. It can happen all day. It can happen for your whole pregnancy, though most women see a gradual decrease after the first trimester. I’m mid-way through my third trimester, and still throwing up six times a day. If I had known that earlier, I would not have tried to “stick it out” for as long as I did: cooking meals from scratch, insisting that pre-packaged snacks were for wimps. If you are sick, get comfortable EARLY. You don’t get extra points or a better baby for staying miserable, so you might as well lean in to Couch and Cheese Central. If it clears up, great. If not, at least you’re not already tired from trying too hard.

Around 4% of babies are born on their due dates. Do not assume your third trimester will be the length you would like it to be. My doctor has proposed a 37 week induction (because of all the sickness and gestational diabetes). While that is technically full-term, that news was given to me in such a way that low-balled the panic of being A FULL MONTH EARLY. As in, LOSING A THIRD OF THE TRIMESTER.

The baby is lower than you may expect—actual location is generally half-way between navel and nethers. If you’re patting the top of a pregnant person’s stomach (with their permission), you are far away from where the kid is.

There is no good news during a pregnancy. The best you can hope for is continuing to meet the baseline. I am so much more understanding of gender reveal parties, because it is literally the only test result that you can have an opinion about. No ultrasound or blood test will come back with, “Congratulations, your child is gifted!” or “They’re going to be so good at tennis!” It is nine straight months of finding out you’re high risk or not for sickle-cell anemia or tuberculosis. I stopped writing them down after awhile because it felt like every one was, “Oh damn, I didn’t even know we were still concerned about that.”

“Round ligament pain” is the technical term for sharp, stabbing pain in your groin caused by all the ligaments in your hips and crotch helpfully loosening to allow for gestation and birth. This can start as early as 14 weeks, which one would think is way too fricking early for it, but nope. You’d be wrong. The general recommendation for this is to keep your knees together, to which I say, “That particular ship has left the harbor.”