#i added image descriptions and they just. disappeared. im sorry

[fortunatelyfresco]

Rupdate (rat update) bc i have a lot of stuff to process

cw pet death if the readmore doesn't work

Found Clementine dead at the bottom of the cage last night. She looked... fine. No visible wounds, nothing twisted the wrong way. Location maybe suggested a fall, but we would have heard it. There was substrate clenched in one paw, like she'd been digging. I don't have many good pictures of her for a tribute post because she spent most of her time zooming around or (happily) nestled into hiding places. Here's a couple favorites, though. She's the blond one.

I think she might have just been older than we thought. We adopted her from a breeder who was retiring her due to her age. They rescued her, so they weren't sure either. She had no apparent health problems. I've always seen warnings that Sometimes Rats Just Die. This is our first brush with that. The timing is eerie and unfortunate only a couple days after having ʻImi put to sleep, but I don't think there's anything more to it.

Half a mind to ask the property owners about carbon monoxide monitoring bc that's the second seemingly healthy animal we've had drop dead in less than two months, but it would have killed more of the rats by now if that was the case. It's just a series of unfortunate coincidences. David's genetics were stacked against him and rats are fragile and just don't live that long.

I haven't posted much about David because it doesn't feel like he's mine to grieve, but I do miss him. I was learning how to be his friend in the way he wanted. He was hanging out with me more. So many of my pictures are just... him.

ʻImi had a mass in her stomach that the vet thought was maybe a tumor, and almost definitely inoperable. It was nice to speak to a vet who was frank and realistic about the odds without veering straight into "rats are tricky and small and i won't touch them" territory.

ʻImi was having good and bad days but it seemed like she was starting to have more bad days than good, or the bad days were getting worse. She was scrunched up in the carrier and her body was... not the right shape. I could see the vet trying to carefully guide the conversation towards euthanasia, so I brought it up first. They let me hold her. She demolished most of the treats in the carrier first. She wouldn't drink water out of a bowl but she'd lick it off my fingers. We did that for a long time while we waited for the paperwork. I didn't want her to die thirsty.

Addie's collection of reoccurring abscesses and skin problems are, the vet thinks, due to the small cyst under her arm getting reinfected over and over again. Of the three rats I brought in, he said she had the best chances of surgery fixing the problem. She's always seemed unfazed but she's a prey animal, that's what they do, so I brought her in anyway. The appointment was originally only for Bandit and ʻImi, the two emergencies, but the vets let me add a third rat. I left them a very nice review.

Bandit has a huge mass near her genitals. It started small and accompanied by discharge, and we panicked about pyometra and took her right away to a vet who looked her over, refused to test anything, and prescribed an antibiotic without weighing her.

This new vet talked to me seriously about what it might be, how to measure her quality of life, the pros and cons of surgery depending on what it actually is, and took a sample to have tested. He called me today to say he thinks it's a cyst.

I scheduled her and Addie for surgery on the same day. It's the day after we get our vaccines, so not ideal, because the mask mandate has ended here, but I asked about precautions and the vet said they're still doing curbside service and having staff wear masks. They only brought me inside last time because there was confusion about which rat was which and, reading between the lines, because he suspected we'd be euthanizing one of them.

So our remaining rats are: Bandit, Addie, Malino, Kiki, and Phantom. We are ordering more coco coir today for their digging substrate. I keep expecting to look into the cage and see someone else lying dead in the dirt. We were in the middle of a conversation when I glanced over and saw Clem lying there in the corner, too flat and too still.

I always tell people I think of the rats as a colony. As long as I have at least a couple, the colony survives. I guess this is when I find out how much I really mean that. I think it's okay to love them individually and be sad about losing them, but if it destroys me every time then I can't afford to be a rat owner. They're too fleeting for me to give my whole heart to each and every one.

[mvdipetsch]

Idk if the first link worked. Sorry if you get it twice!

bobbirpt.tumblr . com /post/668429767113129984/the-only-thing-i-really-hate-about-indie-rping-on

holy fucking cow bro. this is somehow an even worse post than i thought it was going to be. “it’s takes seconds to write up ‘hey im really sorry i wont be responding to our rp...’ like your partners don’t owe you anything??? and they have the nerve to say that [our] parents didnt raise us right like???? how entitled do you have to fucking be to think that anybody owes you a reply on tumblr dot com??? i hope bobbi washes off their clown makeup before they get into bed each night or else their pillow cases are gonna be a mess :// also if you’re that pressed about people ‘ghosting’ you in roleplay that you have to go on a whole rant like this, i am praying that you get a life. like it is totally fine to be pissed when someone seemingly ghosts you, but to go on a public rant like this and basically attack every person that’s ever had to drop a thread for mental health issues is actually grim.  btw anon - your first link sent fine !! thank you for the follow up ask though<3

screenshot + image description under the cut! be warned - it is not pretty and may be distressing to some readers. (also i’ve tried to tag this as best i can with the appropriate triggers, so please let me know if any additional ones need to be added!) 

[image description: a rant from bobbirpt regarding mental health ‘excuses’ within the indie community. it reads as follows, with edits for grammar:  The only thing I really hate about indie rping on Tumblr is this culture of “it’s okay to not reply to people. It’s okay to ghost your writing partners if you’re just not feeling up to rping. It’s okay to disappear and not give anyone a head’s up. It’s okay to ignore people and if they don’t like it, it’s okay!” 

And it’s like... no, none of those behaviours are okay. Being inconsiderate isn’t okay. Being a shit rp partner isn’t okay. Being a shitty person isn’t okay. Then getting mad when no one wants to write with an inconsiderate flake isn’t okay either. 

Your parents raised you with zero manners and then y’all have the audacity to blame it on mental illness or ‘self-care’. You’re selfish assholes: your mental illness isn’t to blame here. It takes seconds to write up “hey, I’m really sorry I won’t be responding to our rp for a couple days/weeks - I’m just not feeling up to it. I wanted to give you a head’s up so you don’t feel like I’ve abandoned the game or whatever!”

The ‘my mental illness’ blame game is so insulting to those of us who work every day to overcome shortfalls so we can make every day worth something. 

Your shitty coping mechanisms are not okay, tumblr indie rp.]

[a-little-slice-of-fandom]

In response to the Jane ask, I totally agree! Her song, as vague as it might be in the newer versions, is very much about emotional abuse and her realizing/reflecting on it. In the other versions this is arguably even clearer! Besides the list in the first verse, there’s a line in the student run version that always get me, in the second verse after “with out my son your love will disappear”. Usually in the lastest version it’s “I know it isn't fair, but I don't care”, which can be a sign of even tho she knows that he has hurt her at this point, her love will still be there for her son. But the student run it’s something like “you’ll let us fall apart, try to break my heart” which I think is much more powerful in showing more of her self awareness at what would happen to her. Also that opening monologue before about if she was really loved or just checked all the boxes on a list before she could make him angry, she knew that he would be willing to destroy her if she didn’t do as he wanted (Cause Anne wasn’t some death that would never happen again and that only happened cause Jane was there, he was to said to have threaten Jane with the same fate cause of the pilgrimage of grace incident (also well it did happened gain two queens later). Also just a slight unrelated thing, I can sorta understand why people blame Jane for Anne’s death but also not really. It was a whole campaign against Anne, and we only know that Jane was yeah trying to be queen due to influence from her family and others trying make sure she was but I don’t think it’s her fault Henry (and others) decided the best course of action would be to kill Anne. Though I am not a big Tudor researcher, this is only from multiple weeks and hours of searching and learning cause of curiosity and someone could fact check me but that’s what i interpreted the history as. Random rant over) Also the fact (and I’m pretty sure this is true in the newest version), she says “loved” most of the time. The past tense is important there, cause yeah maybe she did truly think she “loved” him. And he may have been the only one she ever “loved” but that cause she probably didn’t get a chance to love someone else (when Henry says it’s you, it’s you after all). This is just speculation though, I can’t assume what a 500 year old historical figure was truly feeling but a character in a show is different and ready for analysis. For that I say that maybe she did “love” him but it easily could have been out of fear or wanting to just deal with the cards dealt to her. But at the end she realizes where she wants her love to be directed towards, and that’s her son and in “Six” her new found family.

And fun fact about her part in “Six” (I kinda learned from something on tumblr but can’t remember who but either way here it is.) it’s 200% about the queens as her family, with her pun at the end being the main signifier of this. “You could perhaps call us the Tudor Von Trapps” is a reference to the Trapp Family Singers, an Austrian singing family (if you see the wiki for them, they are apparently the inspiration for sound of music, Neat!). So from that you would think “oh she’s talking about Henry and her kids with him having a band” but then she says “Just kidding! We’re called the Royalling Stones!”. A Rolling Stones references and they were made by friends forming a band, so that can be associated that the queens are said friends in this case but also part of family that has grown! Also Rolling Stones have a song called heart of stone, seriously this is the most clever joke Jane had during the show and it makes me, a pun/joke lover, very happy to see this be such a character trait that it’s in the damn description for her character for an auditioning sheet (check out Citadle Theather and Six the Musical in google, i think you’ll find it.)

Anyway sorry about this long ramble, it’s just that even though I totally can see how people view Jane as “weaker” in terms of some writing choices made, I still think there’s a lot to talk about with not just her current incarnation but also the other ones as well. I wish some changes werent made to her song, but she is a still strong character about the effects of emotional abuse and maternity. There’s nothing bad about talking about those things, your right that it doesn’t make her any less feminist. Anyway ramble over and I hope you have a lovely day :)

Hello hun!

Please don’t apologise for rambling! I’m always so interested in hearing other opinions on the queens and I love the opportunity to discuss any queen at any time! Frankly, I’m just impressed you got the whole essay into one message! Have they gotten rid of the character limit? Sorry, not relevant to the question.

(Also sorry for how long this took to answer! Uni happened sort of happened and I didn’t want to half ass my response to such a well thought out ask)

I adore the older versions of Heart of Stone, especially the student run version! I completely agree that Seymour feels so much more aware of her place in Henry’s life in the older versions. In the older version she knows she wasn’t Henry’s true love (even though she loved him) and she knows her worth is completely dependent on her ability to give Henry a son. She literally says “nothing lasts forever, I’ll fade away”. That is such a powerful statement and I wish that line was still in the song! I still think these themes are in the new version, but they’re nowhere near as explicit. Plus the character development in the student run feels much more explicit, with Seymour saying “soon I’ll have to go, I’ll never see you grow” instead of “him grow” in the new versions. She’s clearly speaking to Edward in the older version, so the last half of HOS in the old versions (at least in my eyes) is actually directly speaking to Edward and not Henry as many people think. I still think this is true for the new versions, illustrating Seymour’s character development as she breaks away from Henry and rather concentrates on her son, but again I don’t think it’s obvious in the new version. The older version just felt so much more powerful and I think it presented Seymour as much more as a victim than the newer version...which I argue is true! Seymour was as much of a victim as any other character in the show and I think she deserves more sympathy than the show gives her, and for as much as I love the newer versions of six, you can’t deny that Seymour is reduced to a joke for half of the show. The student version is such a genuine and earnest version of Seymour, and I can’t help but love her. It’s definitely a testament to the actresses from the student run that their characters are still on parr with professional versions of the show!

(Im so sorry I don’t feel like I’m adding anything to your analysis, but you’ve really summed up my feelings perfectly! )

Weirdly, I think that the student run and studio run play with the idea of having a “heart of stone” better than the modern version. I love the contrast between the material things that Henry can buy versus the natural world. Material things can fade, but the natural world (and Seymour’s love) transcends that. It’s a really nice use of juxtapostion in that song and I just don’t feel like the newer versions play with those images as much as the older version.

I do sort of get why they changed it (I think Seymour spends upwards of 10 just listing different objects, which is powerful in its own way but I do think audience members could get bored of those verses) but I wished they had still somehow managed to keep the theme that Seymour as explicit. I still think it’s there in the newer version of the song, but I don’t think it’s anywhere near as obvious as the older version. It would make HOS more like AYWD in a way, and that would be brilliant. Six shouldn’t be afraid to tackle different forms of abuse.

I personally can’t comment on the whole Anne Boleyn vs Jane Seymour thing because I just don’t know enough about the situation. However I don’t think any of the wives should be burdened with the blame of what happened to their predecessors. It wasn’t their fault.

Also I’d never thought of the tudor von trapps vs the royalling stones indicating that it was a found family rather than a blood family, but it’s actually such a neat little detail and I think it makes complete sense! I have always maintained that Seymour’s “family” doesn’t have to be related by blood. Found family is just as meanigful and as important as a bloof family, and Seymour finding her place with the other queens and calling them her family rather than Henry is very powerful in my opinion. I just don’t think the “my family’s grown” lime has to be as literal as people take it. Thanks for bringing that line to my attention though!

Seymour isn’t a “weak” character, both in term of the writing and in terms of character development. As much as I love the older versions of Seymour, I still like the new versions and appreciate that Toby and Lucy decided to allow Seymour to be a motherly character and have that be treated as an equally empowering thing as the other queens. Some women want to be mothers and that’s okay!

Anyway thank you so much for this ask my love! I really enjoyed thinking about Seymour (since she’s not a character I talk about a lot). Sorry again for taking so long to respond ❤️❤️❤️

[svankmajerbaby]

5,8, 11,12,13, 23 & 25 ?? :P

thanks for the ask! sorry for taking so long to answer, i was on mobile :^(

5. character you were most surprised to end up writing? the toy story characters, to be quite honest. i have always loved the franchise but i never really thought i had much to write about it... i didn’t even question much the whole “who’s andy’s father??” thing i think a lot of people in the toy story fandom wonder a lot. but when toy story 4 came out i felt like there were a lot of stories i wanted to know. of course, i needed to know what had happened to bo peep, and how her relationship with woody would have changed after so long of being apart; that led me to reexamine their relationship based on who they were as characters, and go on a whole character analysis of both woody and bo as what they had probably gone through and which were their formative experiences... and after that i just needed to start writing down everything i had in my head. 8. favorite genre to write? i think i’m on the fence between family drama/romance and horror, with a bit of science fiction sprinkled in. the thing is, while family drama, romance and horror come easy more or less, i always get carried away with sci fi, needing to plan the new futuristic worlds, how it is different from tthe present, how characters interact with this world, etc. 11. what aspect of your writing do you think has improved the most since you started writing? definitely dialogues!! if there’s something i’m proud of (more or less) is how far i’ve come when writing dialogues. now i feel they’re a lot more natural and realistic, though just how good they are at communicating vital info is anyone’s guess really...

12. your weakness as an author fsghsdjhsdgdj i really don’t know, it’s going to be just my assessment of what i think i should improve on... i think i’m not too good at rhythm and flow, like i feel my stories aren’t very well organized and can feel boring at times or stilted, in a way. when i reread my finished stories/completed chapters i often find myself wanting to skip over scenes i feel are dull to get to the more fun stuff :^/ i do that with a lot of books tho, especially on the second or third read tho, so idk 13. your strengths as an author i think i’ve improved a lot on my dialogues?? i think. i used to hate it, because it always felt like such a chore while i enjoyed much more writing lush descriptions of environments and places and emotions and memories... but now i can spend pages and pages in a free flow of consciousness while inhabiting these characters and arguing from their points of view. this can become a weakness tho -im kind of feeling lately that i’m relying too much on dialogue instead of just... yknow, actions. which are hard to write too. 23. any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing? i don’t really know what “obscure life experiences” mean, but i’ve done things like trekking a mountain and walked through a forest and taken piano lessons and been in a car crash and seen an armed robbery and had regular anxiety attacks so i feel i can describe all of these more or less accurately... apart from that, there’s a lot of things i have to rely on other people’s experiences or accounts to write them properly, so i do a lot of research in general. im sorry im not sure what to answer fdsgfsgh i don’t really get this question 25. copy/paste a few sentences or a paragraph youre particularly proud of i’m still of the mind that The Best Thing I’ve Written So Far is a frankenstein/barbie fanfic that i feel is just... exactly what i wanted it to be, and tbh i don’t see any changes i would do to it, it’s both what i wanted to read and what i wanted other people to see. it’s a fanfic, so it’s not at all original, and i’ve borrowed quite a few words from the original (excellent) text, but i think i’ve added some ideas of my own... idk im just really really proud of it.

“It’s alive,” she whispered to Willard, or perhaps to herself.

But Vivianna was not overjoyed. She was not proud. And she was not happy at all. As soon as she could see what she had done, what she had brought to life, she recoiled in disgust and withdrew the light from it, as if, in darkness, it would disappear like a child’s nightmare.

Vivianna had attempted to make her creature in her image: she sought, as she was brought up, only the most delicate and striking beauty. She saw no reason as to give life to a being devoid of pleasant features, of perfectly shaped limbs, of the most perfect pieces she could manage to get her hands on. And so, Vivianna had fished her parts from very select places: the most cared-for, elite parts of the cemetery, where models and actresses were buried as they left too soon, too young; the dumpsters of shopping malls and large stores, where the broken mannequins were disposed of, but which could still be of use. She had washed everything so meticulously, taking the grime and the blood from nails, from crevices, better than the most professional mortician. Vivianna had used her sewing skills to attach the disparate limbs, to select and put together those fingers she found the nimblest, the lips she found the fullest, the feet she found the daintiest. When good parts were not available, that’s when the mannequins came of aid. She used heat to melt the plastic of the mannequin parts into the flesh, to attach everything neatly, cleanly, perfectly. Perfectly. Vivianna had never worked on anything as much, with as much attention to detail, with so much effort and hope. In her mind, the creature –her very own doll –would be perfect.

Perfect! Her own creation, perfect! As the heat of life animated the body, the seams became evident, the lines between skin and plastic. The scars of the stitching, that which Vivianna had done by hand, had not healed as well as she had expected; a newly beating heart pounded blood into the veins, and that blood leaked and dripped slowly through the badly sealed holes of the doll’s body. And beyond the skin… Vivianna felt sick to her stomach. She had attempted, in her pursuit of perfection, to copy herself –but even better, even more beautiful, with all those features Vivianna wished would be enhanced. But in her pursuit, the body’s proportions were extreme and deeply uncanny. It was all about small, off measurements: the bust, slightly too big for any human; the waist, just a bit too small, small enough to be wasp-like; the length of the legs, leaning toward the monstrous. And the features –the huge, blue, glassy eyes, surrounded by long, full lashes; the full, reddened, vein-crossed lips, which the doll could barely open in a forced pout; the tiny, thin nose, through which the doll tried its best to breathe; and the full head of blonde hair which, in the process had burned in places, or had become dirty and frizzy and greasy and stringy. Perhaps, Vivianna managed to think, it was what the magic of animation did to her creature: as a still figure, much like a mannequin, it could be slightly unsettling but, all things considered, a thing of beauty; but in the flesh, moving like –or how it imagined like –a person would move –something was so terribly off in how it moved, in how the body reacted to the movement, in how everything was placed and tried to place itself in the space.

[hobimysun-shine]

Once in a lifetime, forever in a lifetime

A/N: Okay so im sorry it took me such a long time to sit down and write a second chapter, but the story continues, I hope you like it :)

Summary: Childhood friends with maknae line, coming-of-age kinda thing all the way through college, that will eventually include the hyung line as well, but i wont spoil anything for you, can get hardcore later on, i will put some trigger warnings, when i get to it;; 

very many angst in this chapter, +a hyung line charcter appears yay

childhood friend jimin/ platonic maknae line/ apart from jungkook/ vmin/ namjin/ hoseok x reader/ jungkook x reader/

Genre: mostly angst, fluff, some sexual connotations

Word count: 3k+

Chapter 1

Chapter 2:

              You woke up to the sound of your alarm abruptly beeping from under your pillow. Your head was pounding with pain and you barely opened your eyes, blindly moving your hands around the bed to find your phone. When you did, it took around five minutes to assimilate the time and to remember why and where you were.

           Right.

           In your apartment. But you barely remembered how you got here. There was a party yesterday night for the beginning of the first university semester. And you drank. Oh boy, did you drink. In your mind flashed images of a number of cups, half-naked boys and girls sleeping one over another on a couch. So college parties weren’t a myth.

            You lifted up the bed covers to get up and head towards the bathroom, stumbling. You looked like a mess because you haven’t even bothered to take of your makeup, so you decided to just take a shower. The hot water ran all over your body and soothed you tense muscles and your headache. After what seemed like half an hour, you propped a foot out of the shower, and then another one and wrapped a towel around your body. You stared at the reflection in the bathroom mirror. You face was still puffy, but it wasn’t too obvious because you had lost a lot of weight during the summer and the stress for college applications. You had also cut your hair short the moment you left Busan and it was now barely reaching your shoulders. Maybe the only thing that had not changed about your appearance were your eyes. Still a color too light for most Koreans, since you were a mixed child, with specs of green in them. Almost all kids throughout middle school made fun of you for them. Good thing Jimin was always there to tell them off and assure you of how beautiful he thought they were. Jimin…

           You shook your head to get rid of the painful thought of him. When you stepped out of the shower the cold air hit you as expected, and you prepared to sprint to your warm room. What you didn’t expect however, was bumping into something on your way. Someone. You looked up and saw a boy in the middle of the hallway. More importantly, a boy you didn’t know. You were so surprised, your brain could not formulate any words, so you just stood there like a wet cat for about two minutes, before the boy started laughing. Not just a little, he was bend over, arms wrapped around his stomach as if he had seen the funniest thing in the world. Or had he?

“Excuse me…” you finally decided to speak out. “Stop that!”

“Stop what?” the boy straightened up, wiping away a few tears that had formed at the corners of his eyes.

“Making fun of me! And who the hell are you?”

“Oh wha- you don’t remember me?” his eyes were now seemingly sad.

Wow. Great actor, you thought.

“Should I?” now you were starting to feel a little bit nervous after the oddness of the situation wore out and the realization that there was a stranger in your apartment hit you.

The boy let out a heavy sigh, as if you were a five year old and he was trying to explain to you and two and two makes four.

“How about you go and get dressed up and I’m going to tell you all about it?” he suggested heading back to the kitchen.

“I’m sorry, how dare you tell me what to do, on my own ground?” you were not liking his attitude.

He didn’t even bother to answer when he disappeared around the corner of the hallway. You stomped with your feat for a few seconds, pondering if you should go after him in that same second and smack him with something, but you soon realized that any action would be better with clothes on, so you feistily turned around and slammed the door of your room.

No more than five minutes later you were out in the hallway again, hair still wet, wearing the first sweatpants and shirt you grabbed out in the wardrobe.

When you turned around the corner that lead to your kitchen, you were prepared to shout, but what you didn’t expect was to see him putting a stack of golden pancakes in a plate on the wooden table and another two plates next to them.

You stumbled back to take a better look at him. He was fairly tall and had lean, but well-built body. His light brown hair was messy and strands were sticking out of everywhere, which much to your annoyance, made him quite charming. His face was thin, but whenever he smiled, his cheeks were forming cute dimples and his eyes were glowing as well. He was handsome, that you admitted. You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn’t realize he caught you staring.

“Quit standing there, come over and let’s eat” he motioned with his hand. “I don’t bite” he added a smirk.

“Quit being a fuckboy, and I might” you scoffed, but still approached your seat, since you were very hungry.

“That was uncalled for, Y/N”.

You scrunched your nose and his comment, but soon enough that grimace was replaced by a look of content, because these pancakes… they tasted like heaven.

“I’m glad you like them” the boy let out anther smirk.

You looked at him straight in the eyes.

“Wait, how come… do you know my name, and I don’t know yours?”

He looked at you and crooked an eyebrow.

“I told you my name at least a few times yesterday, Y/N?”

“Well… I don’t remember it. Or you, or anything really” you suddenly felt a little ashamed by your actions even though you couldn’t remembering any of them.

“Okay, well. First of all, no we didn’t sleep together”.

He knew what you wanted to know. You let out a relieved sigh, taking another bite of the pancakes.

“Thanks to me though, because you were really going for it”

You choked.

“I- I don’t believe you” you squinted your eyes.

“Believe whatever you want. I don’t know when you came to the party, but we met” he chuckled, “we met because you spilled your drink on my shirt, then continued drinking and flirting, so at the end I had to ask where do you live, because there was no way you could go home alone-“.

He looked at you. You were blushing, even if you had no proof, his description of you sounded accurate.

“Then I took you here and you… um, you cried”.

You choked for the second time.

“You fell and started to talk about some… Jimin, Jangu or something, I don’t know you were slurring. Anyway I couldn’t leave you on the ground, so I took you to your room.”

The boy threw another look, just to make sure if you were following his words, hence the info was a lot to take in.

“At that point, you started kissing me and taking of my shirt, which I have to admit was probably the highlight of our meeting, but I had to stop you and soon after you fell asleep”.

You were once again left without words, or any speaking abilities whatsoever.

“I could have left, but see I’m a nice person, I stayed to make sure you’re alive by the morning” he smiled at you toothily.

When you didn’t respond to his smile, he dropped his act and looked at you curiously.

“I’m sorry. For that. You didn’t have to stay, or cook” you said dryly avoiding his demanding eyes.

“I don’t mind” he stood of the chair.

“The way I see it, you’re a really lonely here and you were apparently hurt really bad in the past. I am too. I didn’t stay out of pity, I stayed because it’s nice meeting someone who goes through the same thing as me.”

You lifted your head this time. He was an honest guy, you had to give him that.

“Anyway, its 10am, which means if I don’t go now, I will be late for my lecture” he moved quickly through the living room, taking his leather jacket of the couch.

“I’ll see you around Y/N?” he smiled once before closing the door after himself.

You found yourself smiling. You embarrassed yourself, and yeah the guy was kind of ticking you off, but there was also something about his demeanor that intrigued you. You would see him around.

You would see… who around?

Suddenly you jumped from your chair, and headed towards the door of the apartment and rushed down the stairs. You caught him right when he was closing the door of his car.

He also saw you and stopped in his action. His eyes looked at you once again, this time expectantly, waiting for you to ask the question.

“What’s your name?” you breathed out.

He flashed one of his half-smiles at you and his eyes glinting with content.

“Hoseok” he said and closed the door, leaving you on the side of the street, with his name in your mind.

 ***

After that you came to realize that Hoseok, or Hobi, how most people called him, was also a medical student like you in the university, but was a third year, while you were first year.

He was the first friend you made there. And probably the only real one.

At the beginning, it didn’t seem like anything changed for you and Hoseok. The only difference was that you went out together more often. Much more often. You would sneak out of the apartment long after midnight and Hobi would wait for you outside on the driveway with the same car he had left with on the day you met. You would spend the night often in more than two or three bars. You would enter in through the veil of darkness, smoke and hasty music, look around. Get free alcohol from the often illegaly drunk waiters and would leave before anyone noticed your presence, or absence itself. That slowly turned into a routine every weekend. You never really focused on what you were doing or where you were going. It was like you were drugged on the experience and it kept you alive. After all you understood each other in some type of way that was not possible to be described with words. Or maybe you gave each other something that you hadn’t received from anyone else before. It was perfectly balanced…until you fell in love with him. It was not right away. It was unhurried and unexpected. You were slowly starting to notice a sparkle light up deep inside you every time you saw him. You would notice the way he walks, slightly tilted to one side, the way he talks when he hadn’t slept the night before, studying for anatomy exam, or the way he talks when he has drank three cans of different types of energy drinks to keep him up because he couldn’t miss out on the new material for the pathology exam next week.  You would notice the way he would throw his arm out of the car window and his hand would trace the wind as if he was flying, as if he was catching something through the wind that fueled him with gasoline to continue driving the car itself. You would notice the way his light brown hair falls into his eyes when he was looking down at you or when he fell asleep on your lap. You would notice the way his colors shifted constantly. You didn’t know when you fell in love. It was slow at first and then all of a sudden with no warning. Just as easy as falling asleep.

He noticed you too. He noticed the way you slowly got used to him. He noticed that you slowly stopped flirting with every guy you met on Sundays just to distract yourself. He maybe wondered why. He noticed the way your shoulders would fit perfectly in the crooks of his arm when he put it around you (which was fairly often, since that was the way you would normally walk through campus as if no other mechanism worked). After that he noticed the way your eyes would light up when you were looking at him. He would notice the way you watched him when he drives. And even though, you didn’t know, he would feel your fingers in his hair, when you thought he was deep asleep on your legs after a long night of studying the parts of the human heart. He knew you were in love.

You could probably go on like that forever, your dynamic was just the right amount. However, life was not gonna go easy on you.

It was a sunny day in May and you and Hobi were outside preparing for your last exam for this year before the summer. You were both laying on a picnic blanket, your head propped on his chest, while he was reading out the steps for conducting an appendectomy, and you were staring at the clouds. As hard as you were trying to focus on his voice, you ears were occupied with listening to the even sound of his heart beneath you. You stayed like that for a while, taking in the warm breeze, when you were distracted away from the sweet sound of his heart.

You couldn’t point by what right away, so you kept your eyes closed. Soon enough though the familiar noise became too loud. Your eyes fluttered open, hands were sweating now, and your own heart sped up its rhythm. It had been a while since you had been reminded of their voices. It took you another minute or so, to realize that his laugh was too real to be in your head and was getting closer and closer by the second. You stood up, startling Hoseok in the middle of his sentence.

“What’s wrong Y/N?” he asked already used to recognize when you were uneasy.

You didn’t answer, just moved your eyes around the field in panic.

“Y/N?” Hobi called out once again, grabbing your hand.

And then you saw them. Propping a blanket a few meters away from you. Their faces were also changed. Taehyung was placing a heavy load of books on the ground and was talking about something to Jungkook. His eyes were the same, the smile was the same, his face only a bit more mature and his frame was much larger, as if he had grown an extra pair of shoulders for the last year. You tried to hear what they were saying.

“Do you think she is here somewhere?” Taehyung asked.

“I don’t know, she should be” Jungkook frowned, looking at the opposite direction of you, searching for you.

He wasn’t changed much either, only his face had nothing to do with a child’s face anymore, making him more handsome than when you two dated.

“Why won’t you try calling her again?” Jungkook asked turning to the third boy.

“How many times do I have to tell you, she blocked my number about a year ago” Jimin’s voice rang in your ears almost bringing tears to your eyes.

You almost audibly gasped when you focused on his face. The first thing you noticed clearly was that his chubby cheeks from before were gone, his jawline and cheekbones now becoming well defined in the sun. He had lost at least 10 kg from when you last saw him. His hair was no longer black and poorly styled with gel, but blond and his locks looked like they were made of cotton. And piercings. A few of them actually. Without moving your head, you could see all the girls in radius of 10 meters scanning him up and down. And you looked just like one of them. You couldn’t take your eyes off of his.

“Is that them?” you heard Hoseok’s voice right next to your ear, his lips touching your skin lightly.

“Yeah…” you gulped and barely said.

Suddenly Jimin sensed your glare and lifted up his eyes, meeting yours right away, stopping in his very movement. His face had now became paler than the buildings behind him. Jungkook and Tae noticed his distress and followed his gaze to you. But you couldn’t look at them.

After what seemed like 10 years, Jimin stood up and you found yourself doing the same. But as he was taking a step towards you, you took one back, suddenly feeling the salmon sandwich you shared with Hoseok for lunch coming back. Now all three of them were slowly approaching and you stumbled back and would most certainly fall if Hobi was not behind you to hold your waist.

“Where do you want to go, Y/n?” his voice was stern.

He repeated his question a few times, before you could sum up an answer.

“Away” was the only word you could say, barely keeping the sandwich in your stomach.

Hobi needed no repeating, with one hand still on your waist and another grabbing yours, he lead you away from the grass field, into the building, giving you a few seconds without Taehyung, Jungkook or Jimin in sight.

“Hey, look at me!” he said propping you on the cold marble ground.

“Y/N if you want to finally tell me what happened between you and them, now is the time, if you want me to help you!”

“I-“

“Y/N?” you heard Jimin’s voice calling your name and suddenly everything turned upside down.

You weren’t feeling the cold and warm waves from a few seconds ago, and you weren’t sweating anymore. You stood up just in time, before the faces of your childhood friends appeared behind the walls of the hallway.

You stood motionless, waiting for them to approach, every seconds making it harder for you to keep your calm. When he was just a meter away from you, Jimin smiled.

“Hey” he simply said and scratched his head.

You took a step forward and then another and Jimin spread his arms, welcoming you for a hug. But you had other thoughts in mind. Before he knew what was happening, you took one last step and the loud sound of a slap filled the corridors.

The next thing you knew, was Jimin was folded in half, holding his cheek with one hand and you weren’t finished. Everything in your sight had become a shade darker and the only thing you could focus on was Jimin and your fists that were landing one after another anywhere they found fit.

“You asshole! You absolute piece of shit! How dare you come here after so long and…” you took a step back to take a break, so you could breathe.

Jimin couldn’t say a word, so he had just squatted on the ground with hands over his head, waiting for another round of punches. And you were about to give it to him, but Taehyung cut your way in an attempt to stop you.

Which failed.

“And you…” you muttered. “How fucking dare you!”

Your focus shifted on him now and he soon followed Jimin on the ground. Hoseok didn’t even try to stop you. After he had gone a year with you, seeing you suffer because of them, he was enjoying the scene a little too much. Which could have continued for much longer on its own, if finally Jungkook hadn’t decided to step in.

You lifted an angry fist once again, but it didn’t land. You looked up to see that the boy, who didn’t seem even a bit amused, was holding your wrist.

“We get it, okay? You can stop now!” he growled and picked you up in an instant, to which you made a sound of displease.

“Hey, be careful” this time you heard Hoseok’s low voice from behind you, and Jungkook slowly turned his head towards him.

“And who the hell are you?” he asked cockily looking at the man up and down.

Hoseok made another step towards the younger man, but you cut him in his track.

“It���s none of your business, who he is! And no, it is not enough Jungkook. For what you three did, it’s not even near being enough”.

“Y/N” Jimin spoke from behind Jungkook and you could hear the hurt in his voice.

Not enough.

“Why are you here?!” you screamed once again directly at Jimin.

“I am so sorry Y/N. For everything I did, okay? I’m sorry?” he was afraid to look at you in the eyes.

“I didn’t ask you if you were sorry, I asked you what are you doing here?”

“We came here for you… we want to fix everything” Taehyung was now standing up and his beagle eyes were practically pleading forgiveness.

But you couldn’t. Not now and not like that. The intensity of the situation suddenly hit you and you finally felt the tears that were threating to spill from your eyes.

You quickly turned on your heal and sprinted out, not allowing them to see how hurt you still were. You ran until you reached the parking lot of the university. Now knowing when Hoseok had followed you and got to you, you just fell in his arms, that wrapped around you securely, letting the tears make wet spots on his shirt, and his lips kiss softly your head.

[hyodo-juza]

The one-sided SakuJitsu fic is finished! I put the note at the bottom of the fanfic on AO3, but I’ll put it in here, too: The Japanese characters in Jitsui’s name read something along the lines of “truth,” “sincerity,” or “honest.” You can also read the fic on Fanfiction.net.

Sakuma watched as Kaminaga and Amari left with the rest of his Kendo club, wishing him luck and promising to text him the moment they would arrive home. On a regular day, Sakuma would accompany them after practice and stop by a convenience store to browse the magazines there or to purchase tickets to see a new movie in town.

Today was different. Today was the day that Sakuma would finally confess his feelings.

The sky was already a hue of blue and orange, the evening sky greeting him and reminding Sakuma that he needed to hurry or he would lose his chance. He turned from the shoe lockers and pulled the letter he had written out of his bag, Sakuma unable to prevent the warm feeling that spread to his cheeks at the very thought of handing it to his crush.

He ascended the stairs and halted by the entrance to the second floor, remembering that he was aiming for the library, not his crush’s classroom. He was so used to going up towards the third floor to loiter around in the first-year halls during his breaks to catch his cute underclassman leaving his classroom with friends, until he figured out his schedule and realized that he would stay after school to attend English club in the library.

Sakuma looked down the hall as he walked, feeling nervous once again as he grew more and more aware of just how quiet the halls were without so many students in it. He had done this before, staying at school after practice, but not often enough to make it a habit. The silence was a bit unnerving, which wasn’t helping Sakuma settle his resolve. He thought about confessing hundreds of times, but just the fact that it was really happening, that this was his moment, made him restless beyond any stress he’s had before.

He thought back to the first time he had met him, and Sakuma knew that his chance of telling him how he truly felt was now or never. His weekend would be spent studying and his exams were starting next week.

After that was graduation.

Sakuma was dressed in his uniform shirt, the warming spring temperatures threatening to escalate as he passed out flyers to a group of first-year students that had bothered to stop at their booth. It was the beginning of the new school year and his club was working hard to maintain their members and participate in upcoming prefecture meets.

After the third-years had graduated, Sakuma was awarded as team captain for the Kendo club and wanted to make his first official duty to scope out new talent and gain as many first years as they could.

Kaminaga and Amari were both helping him, handing out flyers and explaining the club activities while still managing to chat up the girls that walked by. Usually Sakuma was quick to put a stop to their behavior, but it was obvious that there was hardly any real flirting involved. They were genuinely trying to get them interested in joining the club, albeit with a different method than what Sakuma had hoped for.

Sakuma turned around to continue his job when he hit something solid with his arm, then the sound of heavy books tumbling on the ground. The captain jerked himself back to see just what he had done, surprised to find that it was a younger student he had accidentally hit. “I’m so sorry!” Sakuma had apologized the moment he looked down, studying the boy’s face and the rest of him to make sure he hadn’t hurt him or scuffed his uniform.

He set his stack of flyer paper down on the booth table and crouched down beside the student, picking up his fallen books for him before he even had a chance to protest. He read the titles on some of the textbooks and realized that he was a first-year, most likely browsing the clubs like the others were.

After gathering all of the books, he balanced them in one arm before extending his free hand to pull the boy up, his offer accepted with a smile. Sakuma distractedly wondered how such a thin framed boy could manage carrying so many heavy books at once, but his thought never strayed to his mouth. “I’m really sorry for knocking into you like that, I should have been paying more attention.”

The boy got to his feet and gently pulled his hand away, taking his books from Sakuma. “I should have been more careful. It’s hard for me to see when I carry my books like this. You’re actually the second person I’ve run into because of it.”

“Do you need any help? I can carry them to your class if you’d like?” Sakuma was never against helping another person if they needed it, and it was all the more reason to make sure that he really hadn’t hurt him.

“Oh, no thank you. It’s not that far of a walk from here.” The boy flashed him another angelic smile and Sakuma was sure that he had forgotten how to breathe. His features were so soft and he had such an innocent charm to him, Sakuma felt even worse about bumping into him.

Sakuma was going to ask again, to reassure him that it wouldn’t be a problem, but then another student approached them both. His hair was short and styled, but the look on his face seemed as though he were looking at Sakuma with a scrutinizing gaze. He turned his attention to the boy. “Jitsui, I was told to bring you to the library.”

Sakuma immediately registered his name just as Jitsui nodded. It was a fitting name, for someone so pure and sincere. The first-year spared him one more look before he joined his friend and walked on, his textbooks piled high and pressed between his hands and under his chin to keep them secure.

Sakuma would have kept staring until they disappeared if it hadn’t been for the whistle Amari gave. He turned to find that his friend was leaning against the table with a hand on his hip, a knowing look on his face. “Someone’s smitten.”

The captain only narrowed his eyes at his cocky expression. “Being kind to someone is not equated to a crush.”

“You’re not going to have any time to date him,” Amari added anyway, ignoring Sakuma. “Besides, you’re too old to be interested in some baby-faced—Ouch!”

Kaminaga hit Amari on the back of the head with a rolled-up pile of fliers he was meant to be handing out. “Hey, stop messing around and help me with these. At this rate, we’re not going to have enough members for this club if you keep goofing off.”

Amari took the fliers from Kaminaga’s hand and smacked him with it in retaliation of his last attack, Sakuma snatching the roll from Amari and unfolding it so he could hand the papers out properly.

The image of Jitsui and his gentle demeanor stuck with Sakuma despite keeping himself busy and roping in new students to join Kendo. Later that day, when he was preparing to instruct the students that signed up after school, he still found himself distracted while he was tying the belt to his Hakama.

Sakuma was having the same problem now as he stood in front of the doors to the library where his crush unknowingly waited. He was smart to get there just after Kendo practice had ended, afraid that Jitsui’s club would have dispersed now that it was already past five in the evening.

The third-year steeled himself and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly to settle his nerves and reminding himself that he was ready to go through with this. He gripped the handle and pulled the door open just as a group of students were about to exit.

Their sudden appearance startled Sakuma and he apologize as he moved out of the doorway, letting them pass and watching each one for any sign of Jitsui. It wasn’t until the last straggling club members were leaving that Sakuma met eyes with Jitsui’s friend, Miyoshi.

He had learned his identity through Kaminaga a few weeks after his first encounter with him and his description alone convinced Sakuma that he wasn’t interested in befriending him just for Jitsui. He usually accompanied his crush due to them being in the same class, and club, but Jitsui wasn’t where he expected him to be.

Miyoshi stopped in front of him, his bag strap thrown over his shoulder and his eyes the same piercing glare as he remembered.

Condescending little brat.

“He’s sitting at the first table closest to the window.”

Sakuma blinked at him.

“Well?” Miyoshi motioned to the letter in Sakuma’s hands with his sharp eyes, the action forcing a flush to Sakuma’s cheeks once more. “Unless that’s for me.”

“No!” Sakuma cleared his throat as the blush worsened at his unintentional outburst. His nerves were on fire. “Uh, no. Thank you, though.” He expected Miyoshi to turn and walk away, to at least let him into the library, but the first-year remained standing in his way, staring at him with something like a grin. “What?”

Miyoshi looked from his face and then to his confession letter before shrugging. “Nothing. Have a good night, Sakuma-san.” Then he walked away, his fellow club members gathered at the stairs as they waited for him.

Sakuma wasn’t even going to bother wondering how he knew his name before he poked his head into the library, spotting Jitsui in the exact place that Miyoshi had revealed. He was standing up and packing his books into his backpack, thick-framed classes perched on his nose that Sakuma hadn’t seen before.

He took his chance and entered, his gaze never leaving Jitsui as he walked closer and closer, finally gaining the attention of his crush. The noise of his footsteps must have alerted him of his presence.

Jitsui smiled at him as he tucked away the last of his things, pulling the glasses from his face and folding them.

Sakuma was the first to break the silence. “May I speak with you?” It wasn’t a great way to start, but it was something.

Jitsui set his bag down on the table. “I’m sorry if this seems a little rude, but I have a train to catch for my evening cram school.”

“It won’t take long.” Sakuma was quick to reassure him. The last thing he wanted was for Jitsui to miss something so important because of him.

It did the job, his smile softer than before. “Then what can I help you with?”

Sakuma watched Jitsui form that smile of his that caught his attention from the first day of school, his hands neatly at his sides. He was polite and soft-spoken, something that Sakuma admired about him even when he was taking up his time.

Sakuma waited a moment before he bowed in front of him, holding out the envelope that contained his written feelings for the first-year. It was plain and white, no sticker or stamp to secure the letter inside, but Sakuma believed it was better that way. Closing his eyes, he began what he practiced a million times in front of his mirror.

“I know it must be strange to receive something like this from a near stranger. You probably don’t remember me at all, but we met in the courtyard during club recruitment.”

“I ran into you that day.”

“Yes.” Sakuma blushed at the memory and from losing his focus at the interruption. “I-I came here to tell you my true feelings and for you to accept this note.” He stood straight as he felt Jitsui take the confession from his hands. “I don’t need an answer, I just request that you read it.”

Sakuma bit the inside of his lip as he waited for a response and wasn’t at all surprised to see that Jitsui was laughing. The very idea that a third-year would confess to a first-year, and another male at that, was ridiculous. He expected as such, among other things, but he was prepared for his reaction.

“What an old-school way to confess.” Jitsui’s smile was wide as he stared down at the envelope, peeling the flap with his thumb. “It’s much better than through text, at least.”

Sakuma was staring at the ground in thought of Jitsui’s comment. “I… don’t have your phone number.”

“Fair enough.” Jitsui couldn’t help but tease his upperclassman, genuinely impressed that someone would go to such lengths to make aware their feelings for him. Most people didn’t have the confidence that he apparently had. It must have taken him a lot to bring himself here.

Sakuma stood completely still has he ripped the envelope open and unfolded the paper inside, neat hand-writing covering the entire page and then some. He began reading it, Sakuma’s reaction seen from the corner of his eyes as he studied every line and admired the articulation the confession gave over his feelings. It was embarrassing to read something about himself this way, especially after reading how he was often the subject of his careless daydreaming during his free periods, but it sounded sincere and not at all ill-intended.

Once he was finished, he folded the note just like it was and placed it on top of his bag, along with the open envelope. “I appreciate your feelings very much,” Jitsui’s kind smile faltered a bit, his eyes meeting Sakuma’s so that he could give him an appropriate answer, “but I’m afraid I don’t feel the same.” He could see the way Sakuma’s shoulders slackened the moment he spoke, but the expression on his face never wavered. “School takes up too much of my time and I put my studies first, so I would not be able to maintain a decent relationship with someone two years my senior.”

“I thought so.” Sakuma requested him not to answer to avoid this very situation, yet here he was standing in the face of rejection. He shouldn’t have been disappointed. It went better than he believed it would, but somehow the heat in his face wasn’t induced by Jitsui’s boy-ish charms this time. Sakuma found it hard to speak. “I’m sorry to have kept you for so long.” He moved to bow again and excuse himself, but Jitsui’s voice cut him off.

“I do remember you, Sakuma-san.” Jitsui didn’t want him leaving just yet. He could tell that Sakuma was ready to run out. “It’s not just because we bumped into each other, so don’t believe that I’m treating this as a stranger’s confession, because I’m not. You’re very well-known around the school.”

Sakuma let the words sink in before he bothered to ask. “For what?” He didn’t think he was popular at all, besides his status as Kendo captain, but even the club didn’t gain enough recognition as the other sports did.

“You have a reputation of being generous and helpful to your classmates, from what I hear. Your scores have landed you almost top of your class and you take your studies very seriously. You were certainly the topic of conversation towards a few female classmates of mine at one point.” The way Sakuma’s eyes widened was almost comical. “While meeting you for the first time gave me a hard elbow to the nose, I would never say that I regretted it.”

To Sakuma’s surprise, Jitsui was the one bowing in return. “I hope that my rejection does not stifle who you truly are. You deserve someone better.”

Before Sakuma could reassure him, Jitsui was already taking the letter and his backpack, leaving Sakuma in the library alone. He heard the door close behind him and the faint echo of his footsteps in the hall before Sakuma brought a hand to his face and pressed his thumb and index finger against his eyes to keep the tears from falling.