#so I might just. idk not waste time i shouldn't be wasting lol but we will see !!

[umem1ya]

just a little heads up that I might not post this week (and sorry for not posting this last one!) uni is kicking my ass ☹️

[manic-sapphic]

some hypothetical thoughts on catra & magic~

could catra actually have had an innate talent for channeling magic? particularly on a planet like etheria, or with a magical being such as adora/true she-ra or melog? all scenarios where it seems emotions majorly influence the magic, mind you.

•it seems like catra spends a lot of the show pretty much just digging down to greater depths in her mind, burying her feelings under layers of alternate emotions she believed were preferable in regards to how she, and especially others, might perceive them in terms of vulnerability.

•so we don’t see just how vehement her true emotions are under the surface, and it becomes this ongoing struggle for her to maintain a semblance of strength and power by convincing herself of holding increasingly extreme convictions and motivations, leading to an equal uptick in blind fury and recklessness that must have had her emotionally exhausted. an ideal state of mind for triggering her spiral into a mental breakdown when she heard about shadow weaver being in bright moon while she was in the waste, leading to more than one instance of her losing all self-control during the whole portal debacle.

•but here’s the kicker, corrupted catra is another reason it could be possible that catra has at least a slight predisposition to magic, especially the kind influenced empathetically (i only note this cause idk how magic works for the rest of the universe/other beings but it at least seems to apply to etheria/she-ra/melog) and that portal is a product of etherian magic being harnessed by first ones tech.

•and in the preceding episodes, we watch catra’s emotions heighten beyond anything we’ve seen until she snaps in **Remember** and just chooses to let go and drop into the void, only to crawl out corrupted a few minutes later.

•it doesn’t seem too far-fetched to suppose maybe how wildly off the charts her feelings were at the time made her the perfect vessel for some portal magic to sort of meld consciousnesses with. and since catra’s emotions were probably things like furious, finished, but also hurt and twisted and confused, maybe it tapped into catra’s emotions but used its own knowledge to terrorize adora by reciting her worst fears.

•another instance i wonder about is catra sort of resisting prime's chip relatively soon after finding herself w adora. even tho they were being forced to wail on each other p badly i think her feelings for adora, if catra does have some sorta kinda raw emotional magic going on, would give her a better chance at fighting the chip. maybe anyway?

•and i think melog definitely works as an example for this possibility. they’re clearly an empath capable of magically reading and displaying the emotions of others and do so exclusively with catra after they imprint on her. the very fact melog can tell so quickly she can be trusted, already enough to imprint on her, would seem to imply that catra does feel everything very intensely, even the emotions she tries to hide or disguise. like when bow says "it.. trusts you" and catra's response is "well, it shouldn't" but melog’s a straight up magical empath, so obvi they know she lyin lol. like yeah, good luck tryna hide ur true feelings from now on, catra hah~

•and shoot, what if at least *some* of the strength adora got from catra telling her how much she’s always loved her and them sharing their totally mind blowing kiss — strength that allowed her to deploy the failsafe as she transformed (and enveloped not only adora but also catra in the magic of the heart as it was released, btw) — was even partly catra intuitively channeling a lil bit of her own natural magic ~~the magic of her love~~ through to adora, bolstering adora’s magic like the princesses do when they join forces? if catra does have some ability as a magical conduit, that would seem to imply that the more she cares, the greater her capability of enhancing emotional/empathic magic like she-ra's/etherian/melog's, and i think it's safe to say catra cares about adora uhhh kind of a lot haha so it would follow that the kinda power boost she could offer her when she thinks adora's about to die would likely be enormous

•and like w adora and the heart esp, if we see adora's expression of she-ra's magic as the flame, then i guess what i'm tryna say is that maybe at times catra's is the spark? even the first two times adora is able to fully manifest her true she-ra form are directly inspired by catra. first when she's dying in her arms ofc, but then again in taking control when they're being pursued by prime's bot ships and adora is so moved by catra being so vulnerable w her and honest when she says "adora please, i wanna go home" like idk there really seems to be some kinda magic love happening beyond just how much adora cares about her

•also worth noting just how wild it is that catra seems to literally find a way to open a door into the void where adora's trapped just by talking to her there in the heart and pull that girl back. like she refuses to let her die just as much as adora does for her in save the cat. that def seems like some magical shi right there lol

this is all totally just hypothetical food for thought i find kind of cool, though i’m sure i’m not the first to have considered any of this. i do think it’d be pretty neat if there was truth to any of it, but who knows :)

[miru667]

How do you manage to stay in a fandom for so long? I'm always mario jumping from fandom to fandom every 3-6 months

Oh, so many reasons. I think I've answered this before but in a much more concise way so idk what happened here when I tried to answer again from scratch but uhhh I wrote a lot lol?? Long ramble time. 😂

I found this fandom at a point in my life when I really emotionally needed it, so I got really attached to it. I stayed because of the friends I've made in it and because of the OCs I got invested in, both mine and other people's, and every so often something invigorated my interest like a new roleplay I got to join or new concept art that got discovered.

I'm also just a really dedicated person (for better or worse) and I still have ideas that I want to get out there creatively. I don't get a lot of free time, and I rarely have energy for hobbies after work so my time passes slowly in the sense that I may still be in the middle of appreciating a thing, meanwhile everyone else has already sped through and processed it and moved on.

So I've gotta be really careful about choosing what to spend my limited time and energy on. It sometimes takes me a whole month to draw a piece of art that I'm proud of. It would be a huge waste of my time to spend so much energy on a fandom that after 3 months I think I might not care about anymore.

And like, if it's going to take me a month to draw 1 thing, what am I going to choose? Fanart of a character from a show that I just finished that I might possibly move on from in 3 months? Or art of my darling Audrey OC that I've been developing for years and whom I know will always bring me joy for the rest of my life? It's not a hard choice! Like I'm sure it's obvious by now but I really love my oc. It's gotten to the point that I look for her in every media I consume. I like characters because they remind me of her, and I like plots because they remind me of her. When I watch a movie and end up loving it, I'm not going to be drawing fanart for that movie, I'm more likely going to be drawing Audrey Grace in some way that's consciously or subconsciously inspired by that movie. I'm sure other people with beloved ocs can relate to that, too.

Back to media consumption: I'm constantly watching new things, shows, movies, letsplays, and I'm able to love them just fine, but I never participate in their fandoms (unless you count reblogging fanart as participation. I personally don't). I just don't feel motivated to and I feel like it's unnecessary. I shouldn't need to prove anything. You can appreciate media without engaging in fandom. In fact, I encourage it, because a lot of what I see in fandoms these days is just stressful, at least to me. And I don't want that stress. I'm much happier as a person when I don't have to read other people's opinions, discourse and drama over some show's themes or ships or whatever. I can just quietly revel in my own enjoyment of the show without being tainted by anything else, and my love for it is not any less valid than the person who's livetweeting their loud emotions while watching the same show and putting out fanart 1 hour after every episode. Bless them, though.

And I guess that's mostly what I do these days with the Onceler fandom, too. Appreciating it more quietly these days, I mean. It's just that...I have a fandom related oc so I draw her. And I have friends here so we do stuff together and we reference fandom inside jokes no matter what activity we're doing. If I encounter art that deeply moves me personally, I reblog it, just like I reblog art for other media on my sideblog. When anyone has a fandom history related question, I'm eager to answer because I don't want the past to be misrepresented or misunderstood. And also, since it's been over a decade, this fandom has long ago become my daily normal. I can do whatever I like but I can't really "leave" this fandom unless I delete all my social media and cut off all my online friends. And delete my memories of the past 12 years of my life as well. Just become a completely different person.

So I guess I can reverse the sentiment: I can't relate to people who hop fandoms every 3 to 6 months. 😭 All the power to you, but that's just not the way I happen to live my life, nor the way I engage with the media I consume! The Once-ler fandom was the one exception. It was special.

But who knows, anything can happen in the future. I'm not so proud that I'm purposely blocking myself from looking at other fandoms or anything. I just go with the flow! Right now I'm slowly making my way through jjba, an omori playthrough, a Plague Tale playthrough, and urusei yatsura season 2 (the new anime). Probably nothing will come out of any it except for a bunch of Audrey inspos, but again, who knows. XD I'm also going to an idkhow concert soon, and I've bought merch from their store already. Does that count as participating in a fandom? Maybe not. But now that I think of it, even if I "join" another fandom, it doesn't necessarily mean I'd leave the onceler fandom either, so maybe it wouldn't matter haha.

Thank you for the ask and thank you to anyone who's read my entire answer!

[borgialucrezia]

you just seem like you hate cesare. I often read your posts, and it seems like you read him in the classic 'sinister' fashion that bad history books do, even when his intentions are no less sinister than Juan's have been many times. I'm just wondering if perhaps I'm missing something?

ok anon this kinda made me giggle <3 first of all i wouldn't be wasting so much time making loads of content of him lol. i've been a fan of cesare for a decade. i love how multidimensional he is and i think he's a tremendous character plus he's my all-time favorite male lead in all media. i love his soulmatism with lucrezia as well as the tragic brotherhood between him and juan, and second, apparently pointing out flaws and canonical facts (just like how i do with juan) means that i "hate" him (?) in fact it proves that i actually do love the guy because i, at least, embrace his characterization and i don't need to woobify him (or any antagonistic character) to love him. if you have any idea about me and my blog, i only tend to like villainous characters because antagonism is more compelling to me than heroism.

"even when his intentions are no less sinister as juan's." in what way is it my fault that cesare was portrayed as hypocritical while juan was portrayed as straightforward? cesare contradicted himself by claiming he acted for the family's preservation when everything he did was for his own ambitions. he even murdered juan to take control of the papal army and allowed lucrezia to be humiliated during the public consummation of her marriage with alfonso as we witnessed how he could've intervened but chose not to. this shouldn't even be a cesare bashing or "hating"; eventually, the guy eventually became power hungry in s3 (and if the borgias wasn't canceled, s4 would've been about how cesare and lucrezia drifted apart because for him it was power >>> lucrezia. read the borgias apocalypse)

on the other hand, juan was a total screw-up, but his actions stemmed from a desire to be accepted and to better the family, even though he ended up causing more harm. his motivation was rooted in deep love, not destruction, but unintentionally he achieved the opposite. if the roles were reversed, and cesare was a gonfaloniere laying a siege at forli and ludovico was coming for him, juan would've definitely warned him because juan's priorities were his family and their betterment, even "if" he disliked cesare (he loves cesare in a one-sided way despite the aggression lol) that being said, juan did kill paolo and hurt lucrezia, but he did it thinking it was for her sake and her reputation (plus driven with jealousy like how he did with djem) he also believed he would receive applause and prove himself as a true borgia as he deeply felt inferior to cesare. he made multiple attempts to make it up to lucrezia, but their disconnect was clear as every time he tried to impress her, she ended up getting hurt in some way and their inability to reconcile kinda represented their troubled relationship. juan's injury, syphilis, and being pushed away by everyone eventually drove him mad in his final moments. yet, he did try to reconcile with cesare and how he wants to be with him as brothers. none of this is an excuse for juan's behavior throughout the show, but it also doesn't justify cesare killing him either. however, the murder of juan made cesare more intriguing to me, as it marked his complete descent into darkness and ruthlessness, it's //not// heroism like how some of cesare stans think it is so...

all in all, most of my insights are supported by mr. arnaud and neil jordan themselves so might as well call them haters while you're at it idk anon

[under-the-ladder]

We got a super Thursday this year bigger than any of the super Saturdays lol. So much happened! I needed some time to gather my thoughts

First of all, I love that we have another nonbinary artist this year! Musically The Code reminds me of Jann in Emperor's New Clothes. I like how dynamic the song is, the opera merged with other genres (which I'm always a sucker for) and on top of that, the message!! The only thing is I always cringe at the line with ammonites... Can't have everything. This will be high in my ranking for sure. The question remains, will they be able to pull those notes live?

UK... I believed until the end, even after those snippets. The huge names (Olly and Danny) only raised the expectations. This is incredibly monotonous and lacks any climax. In a weaker year it could place like 10th in my ranking, not this time. A lot of wasted potential here :/ I still have hope for a redeeming staging since I've seen what Olly's capable of at the Brit Awards in 2021.

Not a crazy fan of We Will Rave. Everywhere around me I keep hearing oohs and aahs and because of that I just can't warm up to that song. Somehow I strongly feel about what staging would fit and which would break that song for me. Based on Kaleen's vibes I think she will go for the latter, sadly.

Cyprus scores surprisingly high this year in my ranking, considering what kind of song this is. Usually I stay indifferent towards upbeat girl pop. Idc what happened this time, I like the melodies and Silia's positive energy in the mv is just contagious.

And last but not least, my one of a kind funky Dutch man 🥹 I am absolutely in love with everything he does. While watching the premiere I immediately spotted that Europapa doesn't go as hard as his other songs, which I did expect. (Ok, the exception is that gabber(?) moment.) I get he might have done this to appeal to the wider audience but somehow it still feels very authentic to him as an artist and that is what counts in the end. The first part immediately brings to mind Samaa taviasta katsotaan, even Poland got mentioned. Maybe I shouldn't be comparing so much but I swear those are all compliments. I love both Emperor's New Clothes and Samaa...

The "Europe without borders" message speaks to me on a very personal level. It awakened the Europatriotic side of me, which I feel I might have unconsciously shut down some time ago due to the worsening political situation (both in Poland and throughout Europe) and people writing that view off as idealistic and naive. Idk whether I'm interpreting it right, but especially the picture of the burning cluster of buildings(?) as a symbol of the current political (but also environmental!!) situation on the continent hit me hard.

Generally, I find it insane how a Dutch rapper makes me feel more towards the place I live in than an entire lifetime that I spent learning about Polish history, martyrdom and a predefined meaning of what it means to be a "good patriotic Pole" being imposed on me by people whose national identity was shaped long before we entered the EU. I think that's a generational divide, but the worst thing is that those people are more and more power-hungry and not willing to give up that power when the time comes. Right now they are only reinforcing their positions and digging divides deeper than ever to control the nation

So yes, I am crying but not because of the dad situation (I sympathize wholeheartedly but can't relate) but rather my very personal relation to patriotism and the mill of thoughts Joost kickstarted in my head. This song awakes some deep deposits of feelings I was only partially aware I had, expect more thinking out loud in text on here.

Now, thanks for coming to my ted talk, if anyone even reached the end <3

[castle-dominion]

4x2 heroes & villains (https://scriptline.livejournal.com/40160.html)

I like how the transcript calls him "creepy guy" even tho we get his name Watched this ep with my older bro. He has a lot to say about jewish comic artists & police interference.

*Deep male voice* wouldn't the creep be weirded out seeing someone dressed like that? *casually cuts the guy's hand off* *somehow able to cut him in half even tho that's not exactly possible* (actually I just wasted time researching & watching videos, idk if it is possible to cut someone in half if they are standing up, but u can cut em crosswise for sure.)

Why that knife rick? RC: I seem to remember asking you to make me an E.T. Halloween costume and you told me you didn't know how to sew. MR: Details. Besides, you were 32 at the time. The point is, proper wardrobe helps an actor connect to the words. (won't clip)

Poor rick, he just wants his daughter Lol I skipped my grad, ran & hid by climbing up a giant storage crate. So valid bestie (password sharing) MR: Lady Beckett, my lord. Richard, are you crying? RC: No, it's the onions. RC, next scene: Okay, I'll admit, it wasn't just the onions, not completely. I mean, she's gonna be gone in a few months. My little girl. (could clip but I'm low on time)

[They approach the body halves, covered in yellow plastic on either side of a pool of blood, feet sticking out.] Lanie <3

Ok so what kind of steel is it? A lot of japanese steel will actually break or chip if it hits bones, so it might not be best for chopping someone in half but it definitely broke off

Swords are so good so cool. JE: Tyler Ferris. He just got out of Sing Sing a year ago for sexual assault. KB: Okay, we got any witnesses? JE: Yeah. The girl he was in the middle of assaulting oof (I shouldn't find that funny, I know it is tragic & it really sucks, but I'm allowed to find humour in my pain & past.)

Poor gal still has blood all over her She's right lol Lol the "touche"

Love mrs ferris Don't get me wrong. I never expected my boy to end up in two hunks, but I always knew one day he'd end up there laying on a slab. KB: Do you know if he was involved in anything that might've gotten him killed? Ferris: Well, I certainly expect so. Is "ship coming in" a figure of speech?

KB: Ma'am, um, I'll need the names of all the enemies your son may have had. Ferris: You're gonna need a bigger pad.

As cops, Ryan is right. As people, Esposito is right. JE: Well, maybe a sword is a justice system. So true bestie.

KR: This other guy have a name? JE: Yeah. Tony Valtini. *KR perks up* This guy's got a record, too. KR: Damn right, he does!!! (won't clip) I remember Valtini from back in Narcotics. The guy is totally Mobbed up. You know what else, his family owns this meat packing plant out in Jersey. Tony's nickname: Tony the Butcher. JE: I bet he split a few sides of beef in his day. except you usually split the sides carefully, not with one big swing. ugh this is going to be a long episode if I keep bringing up culinary school.

TV: I am a legitimate businessman. Castle it's not funny. KB: You never reported an attack. TV: I don't like to be a burden on law enforcement.  *casually shucks his pants*

(just one buttock) JE: The sword of justice, bro. It's going to end up being esposito. (NEW FANFIC IDEA BABES) (ryan & his signature mug. it's the little things in the show) Mum & lil bro watch superhero shows so this episode was great with the two of them the hero (probs not super) looks definitely very male

KB: She didn't think that we'd believe her. And, quite frankly, she's right. probs delusional, probs right. Def has something going on castle. reminds me of the time the school got a mascot & then the two furries in the school accidentally outed themselves to each other bc they recognized the work. Castle writer moments, & he's not too far wrong red marune is so adorable I love him. isn't that redundant? LARRYBOY ryan *watching the caskett argument from the distance* cyclist *gives rick a delivery in the middle of the bullpen*

Ryan really is becoming castle jr, the nicknames on the wiki were right Just marvel? No dc no dark horse no anything else? I just listed the mainstream ones. Castle was quick putting together that vigilante board (need to pic this) JE: *sus* KR: *interested* JE: they're make believe KB: All driven by the death of a father or loved one Gates is kind of right But then Castle actually had a point Castle chill XD

RC: hardcore skjdflsdkfsljdk KB: Elektra RC: Ah. A ruthless assassin who hides from her emotions. KB: No, maybe it's because she's got badass ninja skills.

RC: Ah. Try billionaire industrialist Bruce Wayne, A.K.A. The Dark Knight. He's brooding, he's handsome, and he has all the coolest toys. You are the billionare non-cop crime solver, castle. (won't clip) (lol I had my french keyboard on so my apostrophe didn't show up at first)

I love mike hoover. Well castle wasn't the one who actually wrote the graphic novels, heh. kind of a chronically online nerd but I love him so so much. Love his hat too. Which one?

There is a T in vigilanTe (I used to say vigilanté but now I say vigilantie like everyone else) Nice, webcomics. Unless the hero is the writer babes

JE: Yeah, well, whoever he is, I can't connect him to any swords either. I pray we nail this dude before I have to call every store on that list. KR: I thought you were kind of rooting for this guy? JE: That's when he was Joe Citizen taking it to the bad guys. Now he's just some nimrod in a suit. (making espt call a bunch of stores) KR: Ah. You gotta give him props for spirit, though, right? I mean, haven't you ever wanted to be a superhero? Going out there, prowling the city, knocking some heads? JE: I do that now.  ew cops & their hero complexes. castle acab moments. (but still clipping)

did CSU not find it? Why is it perfectly timed that lone ranger aka LR is here rn? (looks like he could be a woman in theory) hella cool parkour tho Fun timing esposito calling right then. Has he been called espo yet? I don't much like the name. I feel like "sito" are the stressed syllables. (dw dm, he gets called Zito/'Sito later.) Also in her phone he's just esposito, no first name? Also why didn't she just decline the call? Espt talkin p slow today huh.

lmao I love this kid so much. He's so silly & adorable. superheroes have a billion different villains bc they had to start putting them in jail with cops & there was never allowed to be any tragedy or escapes where the villain got away. or so big bro says Chad: My father's in miami

Neither would lone vengence! Comic book characters aren't real, okay? I love chad he's so adorable & sweet I was about ready to hang up my tights for good "lone" Poor chad. There are def going to be A Ton of these characters. Remember Jumping Jack? & Mere do well?

GATES I told the Mayor we had our man. BECKETT Yeah well, you shouldn't have done that. GIRL YOU SAID THAT TO HER FACE IN THAT TONE

Not looking at the writer?

castle printed them out? Alexis is so pretty Did she ever get that motorcycle/scooter Mum got classes that would count to dad's drama minor or philosophy major that also counted to her education major or whatever mum's minor was, & she got classes that would count credits for her major+minor but would also count for her friend's major. But anyway ew math castle isn't wrong but like... AC: Why does everything I do have to make sense? Why can't I just do what I want once in awhile? That's all you ever do.

That's some intense yoga. Yk, yoga is not just workouts, not just funny positions & stretching, not just low impact training, yoga has a spiritual component to it & it makes me just a bit upset that ppl don't even know that let alone respect it.

FInally anagram I was right! trace the IP or smth?

wait the captions said faris this time. is it ferris or faris? the transcript has both lol THE WHAT NOW COMICS I was not expecting slutty schoolgirl comics to make an appearance here. Mild mannered is "out of the ordinary" for him lol. Mom: He was different. Wore a suit. Castle: As in, mask and cape? Mom: Jacket and tie

oh yeah a crime reporter? Definitely ryan sounds like castle rn i love it KB: *sips coffee* JE: *watching from the phone* RC: *raises eyebrow* RC: The student has become the master. Or at least, he tried. Actually, for a truly Castle-esque theory, it has to be fully thought through. (yk I might clip this) KB: Since when? KR: I did think it through! (mr detective man) *ryan & castle bouncing off each other now* (I said a bit ago that castito & ryckett were decent but now I'm looking at especkett & rystle & have been often this season during my normal watch through. idk anyone's ship names I'm making them up every time I say one & they often sound bad or end up different esp with esposito bc his name is twice as long as anyone else's)

man's a FULL ass hero tyvm! (tho only a half assed superhero bc superpowers don't exist) RC: Hmm. That is one block away from Comicadia. JE: Mm KR: Mm

I love the comic bro kid

VG: Really. Our killer's a writer? RC: Well, writers can be men of action. VG: I've yet to see that, Mr. Castle. VG: So, he's a journalist like Peter Parker? KB: Actually, Peter Parker was a news photographer. RC: Yeah, our guy's a little more like, uh, Clark Kent. And he's mild mannered, just like I…predicted. VG: *the look* I like how gates at least communicates with becks this time.

PW: That's just a--a character I create. It's not someone real.

I'm sure he can still write comics from prison... Left-handed Castle writer moments

Hand was before...

protecting someone obv RC: Because Paul is protecting the real killer. Paul is the writer, Lone Vengeance is the subject. That's their relationship. (to Beckett) It's you and me, all over again. But I'm Paul and you're Lone Vengeance. KB: Really, Castle? Is that how you see me? Like a sword wielding killer? (No, a crime fighting machine!) RC: Depends. Will you be scantily clad? KB: In your dreams. (probably will be tbh) JE: Not to rain on your comic book fantasy, (clipping) Esposito's shirt is so boring. Personally I would wear it but not to work. Collarless long sleeve, neutral colour

wall's obv a fake bro. remember the magician's lair? Oh wait it isn't even a secret room it's a thing of swords & that's it LV def looks like they don't need to be male rn & dun dun dun a woman & dun dun dun it's a cop

Ryan's shirt is ugly & he doesn't have a tie. Why?

KR: Can you believe it? Lone Vengeance, sword wielding killer, ends up being one of our own. JE: I don't know. Maybe she had her reasons. KR: Whoa. "Maybe she had her reasons"? What happened to" nimrod in a suit"? (after "woah nimrod? what happened to sword of justice?") JE: Well that's before I knew she was a cop. wow acab much

her being a cop is cool, she WOULD know how to clean the blood up, probably, AH: Someone killed my dad. Nothing'll ever be enough. But doing what I do makes me feel better. I respect it actually, I can see it, & the mirror with beckett is great

BECKETT You crossed the line, Ann. HASTINGS Don't pretend like we're so different. BECKETT Let's talk about Tyler Faris. HASTINGS Didn't you lose your mom? BECKETT We're not here to discuss that. HASTINGS Didn't you shoot the guy who killed her right here in this precinct? The bullet that you took, isn't that connected to her murder, too? Because that's the rumor. BECKETT I am not like you! I didn't chop a man in half! HASTINGS Neither did I.

AH: It wasn't from my suit. And the only reason I wanted it was to figure out who's behind this. she's a cop so it's cool she canvasses & learns & is friends with a crime beat fellow, I would watch a spinoff of those two. Or a mini series. I've said, castle could have used a few mini series episodes.

good ep bro but I was working or writing when castle went to turn the board over & beckett just Stopped Him like "no hun, we're not doing that rn" (or it was the ghost hunting the ring episode)

When did they grab the cousin's prints?

KB: Ann, you're a good cop. And you've got somebody who cares about you. Don't be so driven by the past that you throw away your future. Take care.

RC: Well, a murder solved and a notorious hoodlum off the streets for good. I call that a solid win. VG: I agree. All because of the hard work and dedication of this team. RC: Thank you, Captain. That means a lot. VG: Of police officers. (XD) Team of police officers, Mr. Castle. Detective, about Officer Hastings. She, uh, fled the alley when you ordered her to stop. Some reason you're not pressing any charges? KB: VG: I think that, given the number of folks wearing that costume, we can't prove that it was her in that alley. Or anywhere else, for that matter. (I thought she was very by-the-book) KB: Exactly, sir. VG: She's a promising officer. That said, it'd be bad for all of us if Lone Vengeance were to show up ever again. KB: I don't think that that will be a problem, sir.

RC: Either she just grew a heart… KB: Or she's worried about how it would look if the press found out that Lone Vengeance was one of our own.

RC: A writer and his muse, fighting crime. Just like us. *paul & ann kiss* Caskett: *awkward* (clipping)

RC: You know, even when you were a little girl, you were a serious person. I think I've just gotten used to you being sensible and mature. Even more than me sometimes. AC: Sometimes? RC: Point taken.

Emotional family moments, dad moments, advice, & so much cute stuff! love love love!

AC: I know. Especially if we move in together. RC:

I don't think I have time for another one today. Sad.

[blacksurvivalnostalgichanges]

Luke:My favorite lyric here is definitely when Ariana suddenly says...

Luke:”Wishing on a shooting star in the sky”. “We can do anything, if we try”. “Can’t ressurect Ghandi”. “But if we put our heads together”. “We can do anything”.

Alex:Probably my favorite pop song lyric of all time.

Luke:Wish on a star! You can be who you are! We can do anything! Except ressurect Martin Luther King Jr who was killed by the FBI.

[girlscience]

i fear i made a mistake. i got tinder right? cause my sister did and we were messing around and i was like "might be fun 🤪" and then i started talking to some people on there and it was all nice and fun. i was talking a lot about anime and video games and things... but one person asked what i wanted out of tinder i said i didn't know and they said they wanted a relationship and i was like "idk i'd try it" and i've also started talking to someone else on snapchat and they are clearly flirting with me and someone else asked to hang out irl and i'm uhhhhhh. i don't want this. why the fuck did i do this. i am experiencing so much anxiety.

first how many people should i be talking to??? cause it feels like this is too many at one time but i started talking to all of them at the same time and they all seem cool so what was i supposed to do? just pick one and stop talking to the others? that feels shitty, but also. it feels like i'm doing some shit behind their backs by still talking to other people because like there's the expectation they are looking for someone to date and so i'm like cheating? even tho i haven't met any of them or agreed to any sort of relationship with any of them????

second sort of forgot i was aromantic there for a second 😅 but uhhhh largely do not want a romantic relationship and the idea of meeting any of these people outside of the context of friendship does not feel great! also 2 of them live several hours away from me and like i know it's a huge leap, but if i did end up in a relationship with either of them i'm not moving away from my job so like if it got really serious that would suck. going to my cousins bridal shower really just reminded me how much i do Not want to fucking do that... so there's also that. marriage is often The Point of romance so if that's something the other person would want i would just be disappointing them.

third... i don't know what the fuck i should do now. i mean i know i should tell them i don't want anything besides friendship, sorry for wasting your time if that's not what you wanted... but that's so stressful because it feels mean. which like i've never met them so like i shouldn't care but it's so hard for me to prioritize my own feelings even over what i just theorize they might feel. and like how the fuck do i bring it up??? lol "heyy forgot i don't like romance and talking to you is stressing me out now! can we just be friends or stop talking to each other🤪" like eeeehhhhhhhggggg.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Amelia

Jac: [So the vibe is evidently just showing up at the pre-drinks at this gfs house, we'll have to be some level of wasted to have the nerve so from the off it's a mood lol] Amelia: [a select gathering of the gays that you weren't invited too, but it's okay because Amelia can't throw you out when everyone else is like yeah come through] Jac: [literally you'd have to make such a drama and that's not you and also no one knows why you stopped being besties so it clearly appears chill from the outside, I vote the club should be a gay one so you have to commit to that hen] Amelia: [agreed because clearly her gf has planned this because Amelia's plan was to go and get that haircut and outfit with her mum so] Jac: [too pure for this bitch, we all know this is just an excuse for her to party like any other night really, which is rude, do something special but no, at least you're simply that hoe so it's not like we even have to work hard here, the flirting is blatant] Amelia: [it hurts my heart because you know Jamelia would have gone IN for each other's birthdays] Jac: [and her last one was start of transition year so they would've still been friends, AND it was her 16th so it would've been really poppin'] Amelia: [brb sobbing] Jac: [thank god jac is also miserable and only pretending to be living her best life or this would be even ruder] Amelia: [and thank god Amelia isn't in love with this gal] Jac: [and that lmao] Jac: [to me it should be like they just straight up make out on the dance floor 'cos her girlfriend is the 'its not a big deal omg!' type but even if it weren't, it is because it's Jac] Amelia: [hence when Amelia loses it it's Jac she's shouting at and being like how could you do this to me etc not her gf] Jac: [mhmm mHM we all know she's barely speaking at this point so she's not gonna say anything and your gf will be going off 'cos she looks the gobby type so you can slap her if you need babe lol] Amelia: [she so is the gobby type, Amelia just straight up dismissing her because this isn't about you babe I gotta scream at Jac rn thank you] Jac: [meanwhile we're just trying to walk away like the audacity] Amelia: [literally like SAY SOMETHING! because is there anything more frustrating than when someone won't react and you're literally 💔] Jac: [there is not, just shouting 'I'M SORRY' ala Tracy because we do not sound sorry at all but she is never a loud person so everyone else is gonna be shook like damn] Amelia: [your aunt Cass would be proud of that, but Amelia just gonna walk away] Jac: [good lord go home gal, or at least a different club lol, also like to point out she has a September birthday so also would've been after Savannah left so that would've been cheery lol] Amelia: [nice parallel because we know Amelia's walking home but fuck knows how far it would be, we're not at Erin's house now hens] Jac: [I'm sure you don't live right in town, your fam seems a suburb type so that'll be a nice trek, you poor bitch] Amelia: [just sobbing the whole time probably, even though she's not a crier like Savannah is] Jac: [you'd have to have a cry, if Jac hadn't gone catatonic as a defence mechanism, she would be too] Amelia: [which is why we're not getting our parents to pick us up because don't wanna be sobbing to this degree in front of them and her mum already hates the gf so we don't want the I told you so either] Amelia: [plus her mum probably thinks she's over Jac by now because we downplaying things forever] Jac: [parents can only be so much of a MVP at this age] Amelia: [I think when they see each other again it should be another argument that turns into Amelia kissing her because that's a trope for a reason] Jac: [yes, you are both owed it without the audience tbh] Amelia: [like I have no idea where they are when that happens, are you gonna show up on her doorstep to have another argument or what gal lol] Jac: [maybe you had somewhere you went together, idk where or what vibe, so you know she's gonna be there, even if it's just a different club and you're outside angsting] Amelia: [ooh excellent, yeah there's any number of places that could be 'theirs' you've known each other long enough] Jac: [precisely, it can be as everyday and unspecial or the opposite as we'd like, Dublin centre is not that big it's not insane to suggest] Amelia: [when do you think that is, clearly pretty soon after because the emotions have gotta be high] Jac: [yeah, sooner rather than later, like we did this for a reason and like you said, it's too frustrating when someone won't react to you] Amelia: [literally could be the next day/night I'd believe it] Jac: [i literally thought you meant the same night so yes i agree lol] Amelia: [omg that's even better tbh] Jac: like you turn round like AND ANOTHER THING, tensions are beyond that high] Amelia: [exactly] Jac: [at least Amelia is angry enough to break it off 'cos the levels of fucks you don't give rn about anything] Amelia: [yeah she's angry and sad enough to be like ffs what am I doing and actually go home] Jac: [thanks babe, we all know it happens but don't need it to literally look like 2nd choice to your hoe gf 'cos it ain't that] Amelia: [how am I gonna start a convo from here because I clearly am lol] Jac: [thank god you both drunk, I can do it if you want] Amelia: [go ahead if you think you can boo] Jac: you home safe Amelia: no, I'm dead in a ditch Jac: great Amelia: it'll make life easier for you, yeah Jac: my life couldn't be any rosier Amelia: 🥀🥀🥀 Jac: glad to see your flare for the dramatic ain't died in that ditch with you Jac: flair, which one Jac: idk Amelia: you took that over from me, remember Amelia: you really fucking did Jac: aren't you impressed Amelia: if you'd got there earlier you could've pushed me out of the way to blow the candles out on the cake my mum bought too Jac: you don't wanna be kids no more? Jac: could've said sooner Amelia: she's not a doll, she just wants to look like one Jac: who? Amelia: the girlfriend you wanted to share so badly Jac: oh her Jac: bride of chucky maybe Amelia: you did scare everyone with your apology Amelia: very exorcist-ish Jac: I was going for Carrie Jac: oh well Jac: still a better match than you two ain't it Amelia: oh you were trying to win a prom queen sash with acts of charity Amelia: I get it Jac: shouldn't you be throwing all this shade at her Amelia: wait, I'll add her in Jac: ha Jac: go ahead Amelia: she won't accept, sorry Amelia: I did try Jac: devastating Amelia: are you home safe? Jac: yeah Amelia: you do have the 👿👹👺👻 inside protecting you, I guess Jac: its always got a home inside me Amelia: well yeah, you don't ever kiss anyone long enough for it to transfer hosts Jac: you'll wanna get rid of the girlfriend then Jac: before you get infected Amelia: you already did that for me, such a good 🥳🎂🎁 Jac: couldn't think what else to get ya Amelia: 💐? Amelia: no? Jac: thought she might have beat me to it Jac: made a bit of an effort Amelia: she wanted me, that's all I needed Jac: past tense Jac: and that's definitely not the first time she's done that Amelia: what do you care? Jac: you think this is how i'd show it if I did Amelia: I try not to think about you anymore Jac: there's no need to make yourself sound stupid in the process Amelia: not when you're there to make me look it Jac: you'll get another girlfriend Amelia: because that's what is ripping my heart out about this Jac: that's your problem Amelia: stay the fuck away from me Amelia: if you'd done that I wouldn't have a problem Jac: I plan on it Jac: done what I needed to do Amelia: great Jac: enjoy what's left of your big day then Jac: have some 🎂 Amelia: you've made sure I can't Amelia: where's Savannah Moore with a 👏 emoji when you need her? Jac: Sligo Jac: last I heard Amelia: those poor country lads Jac: you've never cared about any lad a day in your life Jac: you can just admit you miss her Amelia: 😂 Jac: hilarious Amelia: not really Amelia: but I physically can't cry any more, I must be dehydrated Jac: unsurprising Jac: me either Amelia: 🍾🥂 Amelia: have a nice life then Amelia: probably leave tonight out of your achievements during the uni interviews Jac: nah Jac: diversity and adversity is all the rage Amelia: that's why I'll be mentioning it Jac: you're welcome x2 Amelia: 🙌 Jac: you sure she don't wanna join Jac: 'cos she's annoying me Amelia: I don't care what she wants or feel sorry for you Jac: yeah Jac: then tell her that Jac: not relaying your message Amelia: I have Jac: she's a liar too, makes sense Amelia: you're well suited Jac: besides the obvious Amelia: that you've done what you needed to do, yeah Amelia: tell her that Jac: I have Jac: not my fault she's so thick she only understands actions Amelia: if she's been messaging you since the 💋 you'll have had time to tell her everything I didn't Amelia: even if it has to be via charades Jac: the fact I didn't fuck her is all the information she's getting from me Amelia: the dancefloor's a bit public even for her Amelia: but maybe she'll be willing to break the rules for you, that's what people do Jac: let's not pretend it was about her Jac: only room for one delusional person in a relationship, don't you know? Amelia: you're ready for that, are you? Amelia: I don't know anything about relationships as it turns out Jac: first cut is the deepest Amelia: if you're going to sing, it's meant to be Happy Birthday Jac: yeah, you wish Amelia: I only got the one and I've already used it Jac: don't tell or it won't come true Amelia: I don't remember it now anyway Jac: bullshit Amelia: if it was 💇🏻 related it definitely didn't come true Jac: you didn't get a fringe Amelia: I still hate it Jac: it's not why you got cheated on Amelia: thanks, that makes me feel loads better about 👧🏻 Amelia: can you just take the posts down please Jac: I dunno Amelia: Jac Jac: fuck sake Jac: one thing Amelia: just do it Jac: then that's it Jac: there's your present, I don't owe you nothing Amelia: no, then that's it because I don't want anything to do with you Amelia: it doesn't make us even Jac: I don't give a shit about being even with you Jac: I win Jac: end of Amelia: it's not a fucking game Jac: you're the only one not playing Amelia: so leave me out of it Jac: that's another favour Jac: pick one Amelia: fuck you Jac: i'm keeping the pictures up then Amelia: enjoy your win Jac: naturally Amelia: 👏👏👏 Jac: you aren't her Amelia: you aren't you Amelia: it still doesn't make us even Jac: maybe you never knew me Jac: we weren't friends, after-all Amelia: there's no maybe about it, if we were ever friends you wouldn't treat me like this Jac: nothing is as simple as you'd like it to be Jac: but sure Amelia: you really hurt me again, it's that simple Amelia: and this time it was deliberate Jac: and you don't hurt the people you love Jac: grow up, Amelia Amelia: not like that Jac: that's easier for you Amelia: what about ANY of this is easy for me? Amelia: you told me to try, I did Amelia: now what? Jac: it isn't my responsibility to worry about that Jac: you figure it out Amelia: I had it figured out and you tore it down Amelia: take some fucking responsibility for that Jac: what, with your shit girlfriend who doesn't give a fuck about you Jac: that was wrecked before I got there Jac: deal with that Amelia: you wrecked me before she got there Amelia: I still think about you all the time, miss you all the time Amelia: and I do have to deal with that, all the time Jac: and I've got nothing to deal with Amelia: of course you do Amelia: happy people don't gatecrash and ruin other people's birthdays Jac: then you'll forgive me for not feeling sorry for you Amelia: I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I want you to be sorry for what you just did Jac: you want a lot Amelia: not this time Amelia: it's bare minimum Jac: I'm happy to disappoint and leave you wanting Amelia: then you win again Amelia: congratulations Jac: yipee Amelia: Don't contact me again unless you're got something to say that means something Jac: fine Amelia: you sound faker than Savannah could ever Amelia: it'd be impressive if it worked Jac: have I contacted you before now? Amelia: that doesn't matter because today you did Jac: today I ruined your relationship and birthday Jac: then I asked if you got home Amelia: yeah, and that all means something Jac: it means I wanted to fuck up your life Amelia: at least that wish came true Jac: there's always shooting stars and eyelashes when there isn't candles Amelia: there isn't a quick fix for this Jac: there's no fix Jac: there's only out and it's still 2 fucking years away Amelia: you were supposed to give me time, that's supposed to be one Jac: well I didn't feel like it today Amelia: clearly Jac: get over it Amelia: I'm not even through it, it literally just happened Jac: I'm not apologising, I can't be any clearer Amelia: then don't Amelia: I didn't know how to beg you when we were friends, I can't do it with this version of you Jac: Done? Amelia: I was done before I actually got home Jac: Well I've not gone home Jac: so we both lied there then Amelia: Where have you gone? Jac: what's it to you? Amelia: I don't want what happened to Is to happen to you, or worse Amelia: I care about you Jac: it won't Amelia: I'm calling your parents Jac: maybe I've told them you're obsessed with me already Amelia: maybe but it's still ringing Amelia: they can decide what they want to do Jac: you're such a snitch Amelia: because I really care what you think of me right now Jac: nah, just hope it makes you feel good about yourself worrying my parents for nothing Amelia: I don't feel good about myself because of you Amelia: your parents are irrelevant to me Jac: we've got that in common then Amelia: they're probably going to want to talk to you and I don't so goodnight Jac: Bold of you to think I'd answer Jac: but it is a reason to turn my phone off so yeah Jac: later Amelia: you're really 😎 we get it Jac: that's what I'm doing Jac: you're so smart Amelia: it's why you want to keep the pics up Amelia: like a 🏆 Jac: i wanna keep em up so you have to see them Amelia: I don't have to see them, I've already blocked you both Jac: 😂 Amelia: What's funny? Jac: 🤡😥 would've been more applicable, perhaps Amelia: probably Jac: you can pal up with Is again, she's up for it Amelia: yeah because I really want to drag her into whatever 🎪 you've started up between us Jac: you're so considerate Amelia: something really fucked up happened to her, you were there, don't act like you don't remember Jac: and you weren't there Amelia: I know that Jac: then you don't get to say shit to me about it Amelia: I'm not, I'm saying this isn't about Is Jac: when is it ever Jac: poor girl Amelia: stop it Jac: you walked out on her Jac: she didn't have enough daddy issues? Amelia: I walked out on you Jac: same difference Amelia: you said you'd let me Jac: and I did Amelia: until now Jac: you're only 17 once Jac: it's not going to happen again Amelia: it shouldn't have happened at all Jac: should woulda coulda Amelia: promise me that this is it Jac: I don't fancy your girlfriend Jac: kissing her was bad enough Amelia: I mean, promise me that I don't have to look over my shoulder for the next 2 years in case you decide that you want to ruin my life again Amelia: because I can't Jac: Amelia Amelia: I'm serious, I'll leave school before I let you do this to me for a third time Jac: I'm not in a position to be making promises about anything, to anyone Jac: I'll try Amelia: okay Jac: just Jac: I don't know Jac: never mind Amelia: you're scaring me, you know Amelia: I should've made you promise not to do any reckless shit back then instead of the other way round Jac: everyone's scared Jac: they say it like I can change it Amelia: I thought I was doing the right thing but everything just keeps getting worse Amelia: for me, you and Is Amelia: even for Savannah, Sligo for fuck's sake Jac: even if you'd done it different Jac: I'd still have done the same Jac: it still would've all happened Amelia: what are you going to do now? Jac: nothing matters now Amelia: you matter Amelia: to me Amelia: come to my 🏠 I'll call your parents back Jac: we're not doing this again Jac: no Jac: it's bad enough i have people in my life i can't get rid of Amelia: we're not doing anything Jac: stop caring about me Amelia: I can't Jac: how much more do I have to ruin your life Amelia: you have ruined it, that doesn't mean I want you to be dead in a ditch Jac: all I'm going to do is break your heart over and over and then I'm going to leave forever Amelia: tonight it's already broken and that's all I'm talking about Amelia: take the guest bedroom Jac: no Jac: because then my family will just think we're friends again and that I'm fine Jac: I'll go home, okay, just stop Amelia: if you stop lying, I'll stop this Jac: I'll send you proof, for fuck's sake Amelia: okay Jac: fine Amelia: [we're just waiting for that pic like] Jac: [however long this is gonna take, at least you're probably a bit more central, the most begrudging pic of the front door lmao] Amelia: no, put your outfit in it so I know it wasn't stored on your phone Jac: 'cos I just have pictures of my door Jac: [but does, some weird angle to not get your face in] Jac: haven't got a newspaper, so sorry Amelia: if you hadn't stopped the party early, they might have been delivered Jac: it was a crap party anyway Jac: she hadn't even booked a table Amelia: Yeah Jac: at least you can have a better girlfriend for your 18th Amelia: can I? Are you going to let me Jac: probably not Jac: but if she's less easy to ruin then there's nothing I can do about that Amelia: you'd have to try something else, that's all Jac: obviously Jac: I'm still smart Amelia: I'm not giving you a compliment Jac: I'm not saying I'm not going to ruin your chances at happiness Amelia: it's not like I need you to Amelia: SO capable on my own Jac: it's not taking credit if you're making excuses for me Jac: but alright Amelia: I'm talking about the 💇🏻 which you can't take credit for Jac: it suits you Amelia: that is the most hurtful thing you've ever said Amelia: take it back Jac: it's also true Jac: and you wanted me to stop lying Amelia: 😒 Jac: at least you don't look like every other girl now Amelia: you think I did before? Amelia: also that's because no other girl wants to look like 👧🏻 Jac: I mean everyone has the same hair Jac: you stand out more Amelia: you don't Jac: well I'm special, obviously Amelia: I know Jac: 🙄 Amelia: 😉 Jac: you're an idiot Jac: Jude better be at a sleepover Amelia: her hair stands out Jac: you should tell her that Jac: she'll be so glad her attention-seeking doesn't go unnoticed Amelia: she think I'm flirting with her so no Jac: oh yeah Jac: you're a predatory lesbian now Amelia: I kissed you Jac: after I kissed your girlfriend Amelia: you don't fancy her Amelia: that wasn't why you did it Jac: she fancies herself enough Amelia: So does Savannah, that wasn't a problem for you Jac: don't talk about her Amelia: sure, I wouldn't want to upset you Amelia: what's the point being 💔 if you're not the saddest Jac: she's gone, there's no point talking about her Amelia: my parents know hers, she's not gone from dinner table conversation at my 🏠 Jac: sucks for you then Amelia: sucks more for her that she's been sent to catholic school Jac: Catholic school? Amelia: yeah, her dad had that brainwave Jac: that is unfortunate Jac: probably a better school than ours though, so she'll be thrilled Amelia: it's my dad's favourite joke threat now Jac: at least you could avoid me Amelia: true, I should call his bluff and take him up on it next time Jac: go for it Jac: it's only me that has to write off this shit school on her uni app Amelia: the rest of your app will more than make up for it Jac: that's the plan Amelia: exactly, so it's not technically a compliment Jac: you're shit at this Amelia: thanks Jac: no, that really wasn't a compliment Jac: not one of your not technicallys Amelia: 😏 Jac: did you get a car Jac: I bet you got a car Amelia: [a picture of it because why not say she did] Jac: just got to pass now Jac: then you can go where you like Amelia: then I can runaway Jac: nah Jac: they'd take you off their insurance and you'd be fucked Amelia: because I'd never drive without insurance Jac: the police would be frantically looking for you as is Jac: that's always how murderers get caught out Amelia: 🤫 you're ruining this too Jac: you fantasize on your own time Amelia: this is my own time, you're home safe Amelia: I don't owe you my full attention now that your 👅 isn't in my ex girlfriend's mouth Jac: have you kissed anyone else Amelia: no Jac: do you regret it being her Amelia: it wasn't you, that's what I regret Amelia: but it couldn't be so Jac: yeah Jac: at least it was a girl Amelia: I'm not stupid enough to kiss any boys Jac: some just call it heterosexual Amelia: and I'm not so it'd be stupid for me Jac: alright Amelia: but I should probably kiss more girls Jac: why should you Amelia: because she'll think all the wrong things if I don't Jac: true Jac: I thought you didn't care about what people thought though Amelia: I'm going to have to find new friends from somewhere Jac: don't you gays stick together Amelia: she sticks with them and I don't want to see her Jac: you move fast Amelia: I don't really have a choice, do I? Jac: I don't need friends Amelia: handy since you don't have any Jac: that's why I don't Amelia: yeah, because you only care about what you need Jac: duh Amelia: did you ever care about me? Jac: don't be stupid Amelia: did you ever care about me when it wasn't because you needed something? Jac: what kind of question is that Amelia: one I need the answer to Jac: we were friends forever Jac: what did I get from it half the time Jac: no more than you did or didn't Amelia: okay Jac: that was a dick move making me answer that when you already knew Amelia: I didn't know Amelia: whenever I talk to you I end up with more questions than answers Amelia: and end up questioning my sanity Jac: you don't need to Jac: your work here is done Amelia: you can't tell me what to do when you don't even do what you said you were going to Jac: so you're going to continue to make a bad decision, just to be awkward Jac: that's smart Amelia: because you have such good reasons for doing what you did earlier Jac: 'course I do Amelia: go on then Amelia: tell me them Jac: already did Jac: I wanted to fuck it up for you Jac: felt great Amelia: there's smarter ways to feel good, and easier Jac: I've tried those Amelia: oh well I loved being your little experiment, thanks Jac: whatever Jac: it needed to be done Amelia: no it didn't Amelia: you keep saying that Jac: you don't get it Amelia: I don't buy into your fake bullshit, no, and that's all you've given me all night Jac: what's fucking fake about the fact I can't stand to have anyone around me happy? Jac: there's nothing fake about misery being the only thing I can stomach now Amelia: you didn't break up your parents or ruin your brother's music career, you sought me out when I haven't even been around you Amelia: you're full of shit Jac: trust me, I'm doing my best Jac: and you're full of shit if you're now trying to say you don't see me every day Jac: and that it isn't the fucking worst Amelia: I thought it was, until you did this Amelia: now I can say today was the worst Amelia: you're so fucking selfish and cruel Jac: nothing has changed Jac: I sped up your inevitable break-up, that's it Amelia: no, you went out of your way to hurt and humiliate me Amelia: everything has changed Jac: if you say so Jac: it wasn't the first time for me Amelia: who are you? Jac: it doesn't matter Amelia: who the fuck are you? Jac: I don't know, Amelia Jac: alright Amelia: you can't treat people like this Jac: then tell everyone what I did Jac: I don't care Jac: you could've done something about it Amelia: what did you want me to do? Jac: I thought you might put up more of a fight Amelia: for what? Against what? Jac: because I humiliated you Amelia: it wasn't the first time for me either Jac: never like that Amelia: I'm not going to fight you Jac: your loss Amelia: I keep telling you, I care about you, I don't want to hurt you Jac: I wish you'd stop Amelia: I wish I could Jac: yeah Jac: well Amelia: it's my loss, like you said Jac: don't worry, I've got my own Amelia: that makes me feel loads better Jac: it should Amelia: it doesn't Jac: you're infuriating Amelia: says you Amelia: I'm so angry at you Jac: because I wanted you to be Jac: that's the correct response Amelia: no, because I love you too much to hate you Amelia: because it won't go away Amelia: and I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my fucking life no matter what you do Jac: I don't have the answer Jac: If I could make you stop then I would Jac: but I don't know how Amelia: me either Jac: there's nothing I can do if you don't hate me by now Jac: I dropped you for Savannah Jac: I did everything I did tonight Amelia: I was there, I don't need you to recap Jac: I couldn't have made it easier Amelia: there's something wrong with me, there must be Jac: not as bad as me Amelia: my mum said at the time that I fell in love with you years ago and I can't expect to fall out of it in a few weeks or months Jac: logic adds up Amelia: she thinks I'm over it now so clearly not Jac: you probably said you were Jac: or near enough Amelia: the girlfriend thing kind of said it for me Jac: yeah well Jac: I've had loads of boyfriends Amelia: you're not in love with me Jac: I meant it doesn't mean anything, necessarily Amelia: yeah Amelia: my mum is more old fashioned though Amelia: romantic or whatever Jac: more romantic than your girlfriend, yeah Amelia: 🙄 Jac: she wasn't good enough for you anyway Amelia: I'm not good enough for anyone Amelia: I'm literally still in love with someone else who isn't them Jac: it isn't that simple Jac: you can feel things for more than one person Jac: you just, didn't for her and she wasn't worth it Amelia: maybe other people can but I don't Jac: how would you know Jac: it just hasn't happened yet Amelia: I'm too self aware if anything Jac: that's some lesbian nonsense Amelia: I'll put it in my bio then Jac: tinder Amelia: I'm not kissing that many girls, she'll definitely think all the wrong things Jac: be kicking herself, like Jac: or is it only okay when she does it Amelia: probably Jac: just like a lad Amelia: 😣 Jac: awh Amelia: I can't be bothered Jac: with girls? Amelia: I'm not trying anymore, you didn't keep your promises anyway Jac: what does that mean? Amelia: it means I don't care, my life can stay the mess you wanted it to be Jac: alright Jac: not like I can turn around and say 'no don't' now Amelia: and if you turn around you won't see me Jac: what? Amelia: school, I'm not doing it either Jac: shut up Amelia: online maybe so my dad doesn't rage Jac: that's bullshit Amelia: so is this Jac: no, fuck you Amelia: 😂 Jac: so you all get to fucking leave and I'm the one stuck dealing Jac: nah Amelia: I've got nothing to stay for Jac: it's school, no one does Jac: jesus Amelia: you said yourself it sucks having to see me every day Amelia: I'm doing you a favour Jac: you are ridiculous Jac: you think you can just run away like this is some shit indie song Amelia: I've tried the alternative Amelia: it didn't go great Jac: you think Savannah is bad? at least her parents made her go Jac: you're such a spoilt brat Amelia: I don't think about Savannah Jac: you don't think about anything Jac: christ Amelia: your audacity is another level Jac: your stupidity is worse Amelia: yeah, I've proved that loads of times over Jac: fucking hell Jac: your life is so hard, Meelie, yeah Jac: everyone thinks its my fault, what happened to Is Jac: and the more she says otherwise, the more it sounds like it was Amelia: no they don't, I don't Jac: well you love me so you're clearly insane and a bit biased Amelia: even if I hated you I'd still know that you weren't the one who assaulted her Amelia: it's his fault, nobody else's Jac: me and Sav still ran like we had something to hide Jac: that's all anyone cares about, working out what Amelia: you were scared, in shock probably Amelia: you felt like it was your fault Amelia: that doesn't mean it was Jac: all I know is she's fucked off, no one will say anything to Is, so it's all down to me, whatever people wanna say or think about it Jac: so yeah, sorry I think your idea is fucking laughable but been there, done that Jac: didn't solve anything, it only made the rest worse Amelia: I know it's a stupid idea, alright Jac: you can't go, alright, you just can't Amelia: you know I'll fight the whole school before I'd ever fight you Amelia: I'll do it for you too, if that will help Jac: Yeah, I do Jac: nothing will help but Jac: at least you're still here Jac: nothing else is the same Amelia: I'll be in detention every day for the next 2 years if that's what it takes to shut people up Jac: I don't deserve it Jac: or anything but hate from you, and I do fucking know that Amelia: you don't deserve to get the blame for being there and being her friend Amelia: I should've been too Amelia: and after it happened we should've talked Jac: maybe it's just karma Jac: I've never been a good friend to her and by the time it happened Jac: well Jac: I made you leave Amelia: I ruined our friend so I had to leave Amelia: *ship Amelia: that's not your fault either Jac: maybe it is Amelia: it's not Amelia: I shouldn't have told you how I felt Amelia: or been jealous of Savannah Amelia: or made such a big deal about the date you went on Jac: no Jac: I get it Jac: you weren't wrong Amelia: I did the wrong thing by leaving you and Is Jac: I couldn't wish the alternative on you Jac: having to stick around and watch Amelia: I still had to watch Amelia: I couldn't go that far Jac: I know it's my fault because it happened again Amelia: what? Jac: Savannah Jac: I kissed her Amelia: I don't understand Jac: you should have been jealous of her Jac: I mean Jac: you know what I mean Amelia: you mean you felt something for her Jac: I didn't want to feel any of it Jac: but she was straight and you weren't so having her around was meant to be easier Amelia: why didn't you just tell me? Amelia: you lied and lied and made me feel crazy Jac: because I feel crazy Jac: I fucking am Jac: I just Jac: it's not like I left that conversation and told her Jac: I kept on and got with lads and pretended to like it, tried to Amelia: everything you said, everything you did Amelia: oh my god Amelia: I can't Amelia: I can't take this in Jac: like I said, it's fucking karma Jac: I fucked it with you and it happened to me Amelia: I'm supposed to feel what, that she queerbaited you? Happy? validated? Jac: I don't know Jac: probably Amelia: did you know how you felt about her when I told you how I felt? Jac: why? Amelia: because you told me over and over again that you liked boys and you'd change that if you could Jac: yes, and I told her the same thing Jac: and I acted accordingly Amelia: I've spent so long feeling horrible for putting you in that position and none of it was real Jac: it was real Jac: I don't want to be Jac: I want to be straight Amelia: it isn't a choice Amelia: and you can't just twist everything to make it one Jac: acting or not acting on it is Amelia: so why did you choose to act on it by kissing her, if that's what you think? Jac: it was a mistake Jac: when we left Jac: after Is Jac: and it was just us Jac: then it destroyed everything and she's literally run away Amelia: and then you destroyed what was left after she'd gone Jac: yes Amelia: great Jac: I'm aware Amelia: are you? Amelia: for years I thought things were one way only to be told they weren't and now you're telling me an entirely different story again Amelia: 🤯 Jac: because we don't live in the ideal world where I accept myself for liking girls and I choose the right one and we live happily ever after Jac: we live in the world where I kissed Savannah and she looked at me like I was the boy who assaulted Isabelle Jac: and that's how I feel about it, and I would rather pretend to be straight forever, and have no real friends again, than have to do that, and feel that disgust again Amelia: we live in a world that doesn't revolve around Savannah fucking Moore Amelia: because she doesn't accept you, you can't accept yourself? No Jac: it's not her fault Jac: the rules don't make no fucking sense Jac: do you know how often she told me she loved me, how beautiful I was, and smart and perfect and kind, that she wanted me in her life forever? Jac: but that doesn't mean she wants to kiss me Amelia: that's why it literally is her fault Amelia: she flirted with you more than I EVER have, or would dare to openly do because I would get called a predatory lesbian and she gets likes and follows Jac: but she meant it Jac: I know she did Jac: that's just friendship to her Jac: it's too confusing Amelia: you want her to have meant it the same way you did, like I wanted you to with me Jac: but I did Jac: I lied Jac: so I know it doesn't make a difference now Jac: but still, you weren't wrong and I did, I am, whatever Jac: it was shitty to lie, I know, I accept it Jac: but she meant it all but she is straight...how does that work Amelia: I don't know Amelia: straight people are weird Jac: I don't want to find that relatable Jac: I want to be normal Amelia: I'm not abnormal, shut up Jac: fine, straight Jac: I don't want to ever have to think about this ever again Amelia: why do you want it so bad? Jac: so I don't feel like this Jac: the not knowing Jac: how much it hurts Jac: boys are easy, I told you Amelia: because you don't like them Amelia: if you were straight you'd get hurt just the same Amelia: you said it, Valentina's no different than a lad Jac: lads just like me Jac: I've never kissed any lad and had them recoil Amelia: they liked me too, it doesn't mean I had to like them back Jac: I mean it's not the same Jac: if a lad didn't like me, he'd have reasons Amelia: loads of girls like you too, I was friends with them for a bit, I heard all that gossip Amelia: Savannah's reason is that she doesn't like girls, any of them Jac: but she loves me Jac: more than she ever did Ty, I fucking know it Amelia: not like that, like Is loved us Jac: I can't stand it Amelia: I know Jac: you know I am sorry Jac: don't you Amelia: yeah Jac: you just had come so far and had done so much work Jac: it wasn't fair Jac: what I did wasn't, but it wouldn't have been to act on it, when I wanted so badly to be straight, for everything I did tell you to be true Amelia: no, I was in exactly the same place that we left each other in Amelia: you're not the only one who can lie Jac: I'm just so sorry but that's worth fuck all Jac: I hate how stupid all of it seems now Jac: redundant Jac: but that's close to a fair punishment, I suppose Amelia: you've already been punished Amelia: and sorry always means something when it's a real one Jac: I feel Jac: I don't Jac: I'm broken Jac: I don't even want to be a person now Amelia: I don't want to find that relatable Amelia: but it is Jac: fuck's sake Jac: see, why would I choose this? Jac: even if they're weird, this never happens to straight people Amelia: of course it does Amelia: Savannah's parents are fucked Jac: just because they don't love each other no more Jac: when they got together, I'm sure they both knew Amelia: still, her mum's so broken she's barely a person Jac: all I'm saying is we're getting dangerously close to comparing being gay to a mental illness Jac: which is what homophobes say and I'm not trying to be the confirmation Amelia: it's not being gay, it's loving the wrong person Amelia: there are happy gays, I've met some Amelia: and your brother isn't being held back by it Jac: don't get me started Amelia: Jude's love life is messier than his Amelia: more dramatic Jac: he'll end up with a girl Amelia: you don't know that Jac: wait and see Amelia: yeah, I'll stalk him from afar like a fangirl Amelia: 🤢 Jac: it's not the same either Amelia: you love a competition Jac: yeah, this is so much fun Jac: him and Jude are the same Jac: it doesn't mean anything to them, so they aren't getting hurt Jac: they don't care, it's not serious Amelia: you've got me, we're very much the same Amelia: in this anyway Jac: I don't want to love anyone ever again Amelia: then don't Jac: that's why I have no friends Amelia: yeah well you don't need them, that's the line and the lie, right? Jac: it's not funny Jac: I can't be trusted Jac: with any kind of relationship with a girl Amelia: I'm not laughing because me either Amelia: I make bad choices and I'm proven stupid, remember Jac: it's so fucking isolating Amelia: school is anyway Amelia: we're all in boxes Jac: you never used to hate it this much Amelia: now you understand how much I hate everything Amelia: how exhausted I am Amelia: it'd be nice to have the solidarity if it wasn't so horrible Jac: I'm just trying to get used to it Jac: accept it Amelia: at least you don't have to see her every day Amelia: maybe that'll make it different Jac: I never get to see her again Amelia: you don't know that either Jac: I do Jac: she's unlikely to stop by when she's seeing her mum Amelia: you verbally recoiled from me, ruined my birthday, nobody would call it likely that we're talking Jac: naive optimism is exactly what got you here Jac: don't even need to scroll for the reminder Amelia: ouch Amelia: you always find new ways to hurt me Jac: you really did just say you made bad choices and were stupid Jac: continuing this conversation is just another one for the list, probably Amelia: I can say it and do so you don't need to Jac: alright, alright Amelia: you're blocked though, this is the only place you could try to Jac: I could make another post but the point has been made well enough I reckon Amelia: it's not my birthday now so there's no point Amelia: ⛅ Jac: sod you then Jac: don't want you getting the wrong impression Amelia: 😂 bit late for that Jac: yeah Amelia: my dad'll be up soon I'll just wait ☕ Amelia: don't need you to entertain me any further Jac: you gonna tell him about your shit birthday Amelia: I'll tell them both we broke up and they'll be thrilled Amelia: it's all they want to hear Jac: you can tell them it was my fault, it doesn't matter to me Amelia: why would I do that? Jac: dunno, but having someone else's parents take over and shout at me for a bit might be mildly entertaining Amelia: they think I'm over you, they want me to be better Amelia: I'm not going to ruin the lie Jac: rude Jac: but fine Jac: guess you don't owe me Amelia: no, I don't Jac: enjoy your coffee then Amelia: it'll taste disgusting like it always does Amelia: the biggest lie of all Jac: you aren't as exhausted and sad as you say you are Jac: the taste would've been acquired by now, you massive child Amelia: I've had to hide it longer than you Amelia: I'm just more skilled and hilarious Jac: so you're better at being sad? Jac: and I love a competition 🙄 Amelia: 😏 Amelia: I've acquired a taste for anything with a high enough alcohol content, there you go Jac: I was drunk before I got there and that was still apparent Amelia: haven't needed stitches yet Jac: that's something Jac: anyway, how'd you figure you've had to hide it longer? Amelia: because I have Amelia: you were sitting pretty on a ☁ with Savannah for ages Amelia: nothing could touch you up there Jac: that's where you're wrong Amelia: I'm not letting you win again Jac: 😏 Jac: it's not like I was fucking boys because I thought I wanted to Amelia: okay 🏆 no need to make me cry thinking about that Jac: they aren't that bad Jac: well, usually Jac: just not as interesting, it didn't make sense Jac: why we would waste time we could be together instead Amelia: it's really sad Amelia: as 💔 it was seeing you with lads, I thought it was at least what you wanted Jac: they aren't the ones that made me 💔 Amelia: I know but Amelia: I can't imagine doing that, or how it would make me feel if I thought I had to Jac: well you're much softer than I am Amelia: excuse me, it took you years to break me, Savannah did the same to you in 1 Amelia: you're not that hard Jac: I think that says more about Savannah than it does you Jac: but alright Amelia: right, because she's so perfect Amelia: I actually can't compete Jac: shut up Amelia: it's true Jac: it isn't that simple, I keep saying Amelia: it's as simple as you've already said, she's straight and I'm not Amelia: it was safer for you, except it wasn't Jac: you make it sound Jac: ugh Amelia: isn't it? Jac: you think I'm a right cold, calculating bitch Jac: and I'm not saying you're wrong but it was nice when you thought otherwise Amelia: we can't go back, you really drilled that into me Jac: I know Jac: oh well Amelia: oh well? that's the best you can do, yeah? Amelia: doesn't sound very calculating and well planned out Jac: because it's all over Jac: the only thing I've got left is uni and the career I want Jac: nothing else can or is going to exist Amelia: that's more than I've got Amelia: I haven't exactly been concentrating on my app Jac: well you're going to run away and find your Thelma aren't you Amelia: you ruined that fantasy with reality Jac: yeah right Jac: you're still a hopeless romantic Amelia: with a 🚗 I can't drive yet Jac: have you had any lessons yet Amelia: no Amelia: I keep asking my dad but he's always too busy Jac: go ask him now Amelia: I've drank too much to go now Jac: well duh but he'll feel so bad for you he'll make time tomorrow or whatever Amelia: and we're back to calculating Jac: someone has to if you wanna be wild and free Amelia: 😂 Jac: how early is it Jac: will the library be open Amelia: it's weird that the library is still open at any hour Amelia: you're literally the only person who ever goes there Jac: excuse me, only child Jac: you try and study with a house full of annoying kids and dogs Amelia: I'm fine with a 🏠 swap, I don't feel like studying Jac: yeah only if you make it permanent Amelia: you wouldn't take my guest room for a night, I don't think I'd be able to make that happen Jac: because you were there Amelia: rude Jac: sensible Amelia: nothing's going to happen Jac: yeah exactly Amelia: what does that mean? Jac: it means we aren't going to be friends Amelia: why not? Jac: I told you why Amelia: I'm not asking you to care about me, I'm saying I'm here for you Jac: No Jac: I wasn't joking when I said I can't have friends Amelia: I know you weren't Jac: that includes you Jac: especially you Amelia: okay Jac: okay Amelia: good morning then Jac: 👋

[pokefanbri]

For you.

Nomatter our storms, I glowed bright while with you, so much that I'd do anything for you, even take a bullet. I know you glowed around me too. My heart felt vibrations it never knew it had. But now I dont just glow, I burn brighter than a thousand suns & for myself. But dont forget the light I shined into your life. When you needed me most, I was always there. To not be that for me, well..the way things were left should've shown me you were never willing to have my back in return like I always suspected. Something broke in you, early on it was though you were lost, not the same, different than the spontaneous romantic man that I used to know & boredom of me set in quick. My light dwindled thereon but I still shined it on you anyway. Depression can affect so much i know, dont let it, but if it does take a stand & do something differently to help the situation at hand

Sweetheart you broke my spirt, I trusted you not to hurt & let me down. I was unacceptable to you, but i accepted you. No girl deserves that treatment to their heart. You may guard yours til you find what your looking for, but 1st find what you're missing, know how you affect, actually care about a girls feelings & yes even more than your own if u wanna make her happy. Love is when you go out of your way to make someone happy..its feeling happy with someone by your side..but u lost that.. your light.

Thats all i did & making sure you were was a full time job...u lost interest anyway, but you didnt care about mine as much...my happiness was everything to do with you babe...you're all i had up there. What would happen if i did go to work then, would u go behind my back with some1 else or wait for me to come home with backrubs at the ready? actually fucked my life up because i trusted you when I shouldn't have, & didnt have to result to that all either 😔 Dont hurt a girls heart for the sake of protecting yours, from ever being shown. You expect someone to do anything for u out of love, expect them to listen of your promises of love but then cannot deliver the same.

Why do you hate me my love, what did i ever do to deserve an unjust chance with you at all. Why did you try to be with me if you weren't expecting love to happen. Ive never met someone so heartless toward someone else's. Love knows no bounds, apparently you do.

This is extremely important. Sweetheart the more you hold back, the more it makes it so much harder to find...Believe that. Your heart needs vulnerability so you can feel it. God if u felt the way do..in any relationship really, your heart might beat for the 1st time. Its a bizarre & great feeling cuz u just know, its the heartbreak that follows which hurts so much.

You treated me like i was a bad influence after things were said & done, made me out to be the bad guy, but I wasn't at all. I was damn good to you babe 😔 I deserve to be treated fairly. But the more i was ignored, the more my health was low. You affect me in a good way, but also in a way that was destroying me. 90% of my sobbing was over you not being there for me.

My point is, dont ever let someone down again, do not betray them, do not treat them like you do a random on xbox, sympathize & relate, be more accepting of others. Be better for their sake & your own. Open your heart..even if you guard it to not be hurt..thats just part of the experience.

It killed you to be alone before, you're right back where you started...and now I'm in the same boat. As much as i should hate you I can't, cause nomatter how much you hurt me or hurt eachother...the limitless forgiveness I get from God, our experiences & kindness together and just the shitty timing of 2020 prevents my heart from pushing you out completely.

If I could have the "if we were still alone with no kids & tired of the bs at age 35-40ish" pact with any best friend, id reserve it for you babe hands down. You are best guy friend afterall, whether you consider me one idk. And if u ever want dating advice & whatever help u need regarding a relationship, im here to give any encouraging advice ❤

Few last words. I found the broadcast of her memorial & sat with undivided attention, was like I was at church again 😊 loved the welcoming warmth. Saw you speak, heard what you said, you spoke well but were so sad i wanted to hold you & take your pain away 😥 I broke down as I sit there thinking of your grandma & how I would've loved to meet her. I was praying..speaking to her as if she were listening & ofcourse about u, praying for u & asking for her God & all my passed loved ones to lay their hands on me & pray with me. A breezy chill ran up my spine & I calmly paused...but then i continued to cry even harder & fell to my knees, i know I was heard. Hope u dont dismiss my heart to heart writing if u find them. I give great advice..somewhere in all the nonsense 🤔 jk. That scar on my left leg from your basement steps 😂 you left your mark on me in that way as well, you'll always be a part of me. Ive continued my progress from up there, I began to change the things u didnt like but kept going after things ended. I've quit smoking & feel/look better than I have in ages..whilst still keepin u in mind, I have you to thank 100%. U know how much of a dick you are lol knock it off. U best not turn into a bitter old man rather than sweet as sugar. Accept her, eachother at your worst, & she'll be the best...& you'll be the best for her too. Hope you grow & get to experience true mutual love 1 day. Nobody will take care of your needs if u simply don't for them.

You were an awesome & beautiful waste of my time. Let 2021 be hopefully different & less shitty for us both. Protect yourself & stay safe out there. Pray to God everyday & ask for healing. You're definitely a Trip to remember, see u around someday friend

I have nothing else to say.

❤👋

https://open.spotify.com/track/1uviKYHZuM4uINK33F7sCt?si=XMEoUDe3RKOYk4z4HuYO9Q

[insidiousflame]

I've made a few updates in other forms such as video, cause sometimes i would rather just let myself ramble rather than type. But i figured I might try journaling again this way and see if it helps the ever growing chaos inside my brain. Work has been an absolute nightmare, especially with covid. My job has been made 100x harder than it needs to be. Though a lot of it is ALSO due to all the updates they have made in Target as far as systems, rules and expectations (and even self checkout machines CHRIST). My team mates don't even want to work as diligently as I do. The only reason I stay on top of things and run around is because I need a sense of control and order. And if I don't have that, I stress and freak out. And I freaking wish my other team mates saw it that way instead of just ASSUMING other people are going to take care of it or just not even bothering to check on things. I don't know how they don't. It just seems like willful ignorance or negligence at this point. And so I've started telling myself to slow down, take a deep breath and just...care a bit less about times. How fast I'm getting things done...etc. Also noticing how many negative thoughts I've had in ONE shift. I've gotten so used to telling myself "im gonna kill myself" "fuck you" "i hate you" "i cant believe this" literally all these things are almost every minute of my work day. And while I think it helps me blow off steam, i wonder if it really is or if I'm allowin that negativity to FESTER even more. Idk... I think my team lead, OUR ONLY ONE LEFT, is out on covid leave and she was even around us still working while having symptoms and having every right to believe its covid. I've never been so furious and disappointed to work at this company. It's apalling just HOW LITTLE people give a fuck. Sickness is spreading like wildfire in our store and my only reason to believe why I haven't gotten sick yet is because I'm perhaps asymptomatic. I understand this new strain Omicron is a lot less sever and fatal, but we shouldn't just be letting up and allowing it to spread. We have such few team members available that I haven't seen a cart cleaner since the new year and rarely seen a cart attendent. Our abandons and being behind on tasks is just as bad as it was for the holidays...perhaps worse. My team mates aren't even meeting regular expectations when it comes to closing (which i have to do tonight) and now I don't know if I'm just wasting my time and doing too much because of how lenient it's gotten. Last time I closed I did practically EVERYTHING by myself. Even WITH someone else there to close with me because he decided he would help with carts and basically do anything but service desk duties. And once again, someone who didnt fucking bother to keep an eye on drive ups because someone else was currently doing them. Even when i asked for help. I cried that night. And I broke down all the way home and into the night again. I wish I could just not care. I wish I didn't feel the effects of this job so fucking heavily like my other team mates seem to. But my environment directly affects me. Especially when theres an expectation for me to perform and maintain it. but where the hell is my recognition???? I receive NONE. NOTHING. Wheres more team member bonuses? hazard pay??? I deserve more than this. In OTHER news....I've since been on a diet since my last mental break down. Restricting my calories to beneath 1200 in the past three days. Also using matcha green tea lattes as an experiment to help. And I've actually lost 5 POUNDS according to the scale. And I can only imagine absolutely all of it was water weight. Which is INSANE to me. I know my diet is mainly carbs and sodium lol...but holy shit five whole pounds of just WATER RETENTION....I definitely looked a LOT less bloated in the mirror. But I still have so much unwanted fat and chub I absolutely want to get rid of. I'm hoping I can at LEAST drop back to my normal weight which was 125. Ultimate goal would be 120 for complete success. But that could take quite a long time. And with the way I am

restricting...I don't know if I can last that long. I went to bed last night feeling hungry even though I filled up at dinner, and my body felt tingly and weak as if...well...i knew it wanted more calories. It's kind of crazy how much I can notice changes and feelings within my body. is it crazy? or does everybody feel these things? I want to say I am more sensitive to changes in my health and body than others. Well, especially when it comes to caffeine cause I can always DEFINITELY feel that. Even matcha lattes give me a super boost feeling. I had a hot matcha latte, tall, the night of my breakdown at work and it was so delicious and the perfect amount. Yesterday I tried a iced grande, but it was quite thick and a little too sweet even though it should have been the same?? But I will probably stick with tall lattes at work from now on. If I don't get sick of it and actually find a benefit from them, I have been researching options for me to buy ingredients to make matcha drinks for myself at home. Not only is Matcha good for anxiety and reducing stress, but represses hunger as well. So I'm all for that. I filled out therapy forms for my future therapy appointment...which I still have to make a call to set up and I'm not looking forward to that. I wish my mom would just do it for me. But anyways...wish me luck invisible reader who is probably just me. lol Time to go to work and close the store with absolute chaos.

[6thhokagekakashi]

Theres a lot of bad things about the place lol but the first thing that I noticed is the fact that the faculty and admin are dangerously incompetent. Nobody knows what theyre doing, and it really seemed like they didn't care. It was a nightmare! The people in charge of ArtHouse (dorms) were even worse. I have many stories about the ArtHouse too but they are not mine to tell unfortunately.

Anyway, they charge too much tuition ( they also raised tuition by 3 thousand recently for incoming freshman) for the quality of education you get because they really just don't teach you anything. I swear to you, I didn't learn a single thing in my time there. I had this "mandatory class" called writing in context:cinematic imagination, and o h h h boy was that terrible. All we did was watch movies and write a paragraph response...... And go off topic constantly during discussion, the teacher went on constant power trips ( he like made 3 people cry ... In a film class!!!!!) but I was really paying $1800 for that class ... And that's just one class!! The other ones were terrible in their own ways too ( one class was gonna have me embroider on a trash bag!!!! I'm an illustration student!!! I shouldn't be doing that!!!)

There was also the issue of taking classes not pertaining to your major, like I know some people don't know what they're gonna do, but there was absolutely no reason for me to take a 3d design class. It's just a waste of money and time.

Also the atmosphere of the whole school was bad too ... It was like ... Idk how to explain it. I'm a leftist but these people.. ... They were "woke" but not really??? Like everyone (including the students) acted "woke" but only for brownie points. Like it was a game and they were trying to be the most "woke". It was wild to say the least.

Oh and did I mention most of the faculty and admin were alumni? You might at first think that's not bad, but oh it adds to their incompetence. I think I had one teacher (out of six) who actually came from a great school (risd). And that was it . Also the front desk man and the man selling coffee in the truck outside of the school we're alumni too so idk what that tells you.

Hey! So ive been applying for PNCA and i saw that you got in(congrats!). Is there any way you can give me some info on the process you went through and would u feel comfortable sharing your portfolio? I'm determined to get in haha and want to know what I can do to improve my application thanks!

Hi! Ah! I probably should have deleted that post awhile ago because it’s almost a year old and within that time I’ve attended and withdrawn from pnca. I’ve honestly just stared at this ask because I don’t really know how to answer …. Like this is going to to sound incredibly pessimistic but pnca is a genuinely awful institution. I really, really, truly don’t recommend that you even consider applying. I have plenty of horror stories from my meager two months of attending it, so if you want to know more just shoot me a message

Though I’m so sorry but for your sake, please at least consider another school. I don’t know you but it honestly won’t sit right with me if don’t warn you about the place. If it’s your dream school though, go for it. Pnca wasn’t my first choice so maybe I’m a little biased.

On a lighter note, If you still want to try though, I’m happy to share my portfolio with you! I was an illustration major at pnca so they wanted to see stuff pertaining to that. And if you do have other art schools you’re interested in, I can help you with that too! My portfolio got me accepted to the other three colleges I applied to.( I wasn’t able to go to any of those due to money issues)

Also tbh with you, I didn’t really have a process, I applied on a whim. It was the day of the deadline and i didn’t even do the optional essay.

Anyway I feel terrible telling you all of this, so if you don’t even want to answer that’s totally okay. I just wanted to get this out there

[omglr]

your media is lying to you, my media is not... a 2 hour circle jerk.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You both like climate change.

You: howdy

Stranger: hey

You: so, climate change eh?

You: pretty shitty

Stranger: do you believe this?

You: yeah

You: you?

Stranger: i dont

You: oh, ok

You: why not?

Stranger: in the 80's they talked about a ice time coming. climate change is just a way to make people open up their wallets and make more money

You: you might also consider that climate denial is also a way to line the pockets of people who are in power and don't want change

Stranger: no since most people in power support climate change. except countries like china and trump

You: China believes in Climate change though

Stranger: if they did they would take action. if they truly believed

You: https://newrepublic.com/article/155136/what-china-bad-response-climate-crisis

You: they have been

Stranger: they dont take action at all they build more factory's. China is not going with this climate change flow. if they really believed they would take drastic actions. actions speak louder then words

You: lol, ok

Stranger: just because the media tells this about china doesnt mean its true you know

You: mmmmm, well where do you get your media from?

You: like, if you can't trust sources of information, how are you forming your world view?

Stranger: i from my world view to listen to anyone and read every news. then it's easy to compare. if like you only visit one news site your doing it all wrong. and since i started doing this i can see through the lies

Stranger: many news website for example have a political agenda. after all even news people are voters and believe something. they are not neutral

You: so all the scientific journals that say climate change is real, humans are behind it and if we don't take action we'll all die are just propaganda?

Stranger: well, they asked like a couple hundred scientist about this climate change. many scientist disagree but were not taken in this enquete! many people dont know this. this is how they got their 80% thing which is false

You: is the United Nations trust worthy?

https://www.un.org/en/climatechange/science.shtml

Stranger: no lol. United nations and trust. if you trust them your long way from home

You: just asking

Stranger: no offense tho

You: it seems like your mind is made up

Stranger: well no first i was like hmm climate change let me read in. and when i did and think for myself and heard from all sides i knew this is bullshit

You: does the occurrence of 4 or 5 type five hurricanes each summer suggest there is a problem?

Stranger: no. you know why a hurricane comes?

You: why?

Stranger: The earth has its own temperature device like a inner clock to cool itself down. hurricane do this they cool down the inner core of the earth. over the centuries tons and tons of hurricanes been there. they point it out now in the media to make you scared and you fall for it

You: ok, cool, so the earth has ways to solve climate change on its own

You: do you think we'll survive the earths mechanisms?

Stranger: the earth has its own way to deal with when the inner core gets too hot yes. like our body can do this too when we have a fever

Stranger: yes i do think

You: well, its sounds great

Stranger: it does. i dont fall for people anymore who trying make me afraid all to make more money cause thats what its about in the end

You: i mean, i would love to have such an out look based on wishful thinking

Stranger: i can recommend it to everyone to see trhu the lies

You: so if climate change activists teamed up with anti-capitalist movement would you be more interested?

Stranger: few years ago they said there is a hole in the horizon, remember? nothing you hear about this anymore. it wass to make you scared. now its climate change. way way before was they said there is coming a ice time

Stranger: no

You: the o-zone?

Stranger: yes

You: yeah, i guess they said, consumers should stop buying hairspray and aerosole products

Stranger: yeah exactly they made us afraid with this o-zonde story. before that in the 80' they said ice time and now its climate change

You: and then they said... well shit these uv rays could cause problems down the way

Stranger: yeah and we are still here

You: and we are facing problems with a hot ass earth

Stranger: nah

You: like hurricaines

Stranger: its raining here lol

You: like the plankton in the ocean dying

You: like forest fires

You: like the polar caps melting

Stranger: did you know that many years ago in egypt there was water and jungle where now is dessert?

You: yeah, dude, it happened due to deforestation

Stranger: forest fires like the one in brasile have been every year before you were born. you hear it now cause it aids their agenda

Stranger: it happened yes but not because us humans

You: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Green_Wall

Stranger: you shouldn't believe wikipedia literally everyone can add something in. this is what i mean think for yourself dont believe everything on the web you read

You: lol

Stranger: i can go wikipedia now and change things

Stranger: its that easy

You: i understand how it works

You: it does have a community based vetting process

Stranger: well then you know many people add wrong information to make you believe the things

Stranger: i readed a lot on wikipedia stuff that were inaccurate so i stopped using it

You: ok, but, you understand the Green wall is a real project the African union is working on right?

Stranger: could be. there are so many climate and green projects i lost count

Stranger: i separate my trash because i know plastic is bad for our nature. cause this you can see and its proven. so i do this. but not because climate change

You: good job

Stranger: i own a bike instead of car cause i know its dirty air and better for health. now for example angela merkel from germany went to united nations meeting in three separated airplanes with staff

Stranger: all hypocrites

Stranger: they know they sell a lie

Stranger: barrack obama bought a house in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sea

Stranger: prince harry gave climate speech day after took private airplane wich is double dirty

You: donald trump built walls around his ocean side property to prevent rising water from fuckin them up

Stranger: donald trump doesnt believe in climate change. barrack obama does! now why he bought house with land if he was so afraid the sea gonna rise. he knows its a lie the left-party sells people and everyone fooled

You: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/exxon-knew-about-climate-change-almost-40-years-ago/

You: this is a pretty interesting article

Stranger: But what do you make of that? Angela Merkel in three separates airplanes. Prince Harry after climate speech in private dirty airplane. Leaonardo dicrapio uses his private jet more then we will ever fly. what you say to this? these people who wanna sell you climate change

You: shrug??? rich people got places to be

Stranger: so thats your excuse?

You: we can/should hold them accountable

Stranger: they are rich people who need to go places so then its okay?

Stranger: they want you to pay taxes over airplanes but they can fly often in private jets. lol wake up

You: idk man, i guess we should invest in better trains?

Stranger: no. we should start with out leaders and celebrities who sell you and i climate scare stories. and then use private jets a lot and use it more then we ever will fly. they are big hypocrites

Stranger: instead of blaming the people we should start with them

You: mmmm, they are just people though

Stranger: but they use their power and influence to make you scared and pay taxes

You: we should probably blame companies who pay less taxes then they should and exploit their workers and the environment

Stranger: isn't it hyprocite that you have own private jet and use it much in a year, and i mean really much. but then say to everyone climate change is coming we should add fly taxes and you should pay more insurance

You: like, i'm litterally too poor to pay taxes, but i am happy to suggest that rich people pay more taxes

Stranger: here exactly you are too poor to pay taxes and still they want you to pay more!! but themselves they keep living their wealthy life

You: yeah man, so you are into anti-capitalism after all?

Stranger: now what i say instead of pumping all this money into waste projects for climate change. give it back to the people. so people like you have lower taxes and better healthcare and more income so the economy grows

You: lol, oh nevermind

Stranger: aslong you cant even pay taxes why the hell you support them plans they even wanna you pay more taxes its insane

You: what? i make like 25 grand a year and pay no taxes, cause i am floating on the poverty line, but yeah, Jeff Bezos should pay taxes, probably 95% of his wealth should be seized and put to use on infrastructure and sustainable living projects to improve the life of the average and poor person

Stranger: yeah well that's not gonna happen. rich people stay rich.

You: but yeah, climate action is just a scheme to make money, and change is bad

Stranger: the system is not made to make rich people poor

You: does that not bother you?

Stranger: ofc it does. it bothers me that there are millionaires who buy golden cars and some people cant even afford healthcare. it's sick! but thats how the system works. rich people stay rich and poor stays poor

You: so... if there was a movement that helped mobilize people to change that would you be interested?

Stranger: people are waking up slowly, not many people but more then 10 years ago. they started think for themselves and see through this big lies. if there was a movement i believed in i supported them ofc.

Stranger: look how many people buy this climate bullshit. its insane how easy people get fooled

Stranger: if you tell a lie long enough, eventually it becomes the truth

You: well i don't know man, I believe in climate change, but i also believe in raising class consciousness and kicking rich peoples asses, i think tackling them together makes a lot of sense...

Stranger: well those rich people you wanna tackle made up this climate change, to make more money out of you!

You: so, you know, you continue to believe what Exxon wanted you to believe in the 1980s

You: i'lll keep do what i'm doing

Stranger: if you wanna kick the rich people then stop buying their bullshit. that simple

You: idk man, rich people also want to gut the social safety net programs in my country and kill the environmental protections we put in place too, that doesn't sound like a great idea

You: like, i get that it seems weird that Matt Damon is using his platform to talk about climate change when he won't stop using planes to get places to talk about it

Stranger: Do you know this Greta? This child climate activist?

You: yeah?

Stranger: well this Greta her manager works for the company of george soros. world riches man! dont you see it? its all a big lie

You: uh.... lol

Stranger: you can google this

Stranger: fact check it

Stranger: its true

You: she also famously sailed to new york on a sail boat

Stranger: this greta is a child en they use her because children make people weak and soft and you buy the lies

You: her message is, "listen to scientists and stop betting against my generations future"

Stranger: her message is what they told her to say

You: lol, ok man

Stranger: it is not a coincidence that her manager works for george soros. it is not a coincidence. that should already show you something

You: again, your message is what exxon wants you to say

You: like you are doing this work pro-bono

Stranger: what work?

You: spreading the message that inaction is the right thing to do

Stranger: didnt you hear me? i told to take action against the lies!

You: shrug

Stranger: and lol i have a bike, separate trash, never flied, eat biologic. so dont come to me saying i dont take action. i do more then enough but what i dont do is fall for lies

You: i am gonna take action to prevent extinction

Stranger: lol

Stranger: we wil survie this wake up

You: ok, cool

You: we will

Stranger: you got fooled and believe in lies. think for yourself

You: I am down for the human race surviving

You: again, we can both say think for yourself over and over

Stranger: aslong as we humans think for ourself and listen God's word we will survive and we will stay strong

You: ok dude

You: :) i beleive in us

Stranger: why dude. thats so negative lol

You: we can do this

You: oh sorry, just a regional affect

Stranger: i think you and i think about many things the same only with all respect you fall for the lies and i woke up

You: well man, i think you and i think about many things the same only with all respect you fall for the lies and i woke up

You: agreed

Stranger: well no. cause you follow the climate change lies. so no i dont agree at all.

Stranger: you havent woke up you believe in media news that climate change is killing us

Stranger: how many times have this same media told that donald trump is gonna get removed through the years lol

Stranger: they sell lies

You: lol

You: perhaps the states is an oligarchy?

Stranger: and is copying my message exactly to the last word thinking for yourself or repeating what i said? like you repeating what the media says

You: i am just saying, "i know you are but what am i?" and its childish, but the point that i think you believe lies too, and they are convenient to rich people staying in power and hurting poor people whether its by poor people dying by climate change or poor people dying by poverty

You: like, to me class warfare is intertwined

Stranger: if you think rich people dont stay in power then idk who falls her for the lies

You: i am hoping they won't in the future, but we'll see

Stranger: they will lol. its a disney story to believe else

You: is that a typo, or an awesome metaphor?

Stranger: both

You: lol

You: its great

Stranger: over the centuries rich people stayed rich. and poor stayed poor. not the future gonna change this

Stranger: doennt mean i wish to see it different but be realistic is also the key

Stranger: in my dream world nobody is poor. this never gonna happen its not realistic

You: welp, i mean, if we all die via climate meltdown, it will be a classless planet

Stranger: we dont die of climate. we rather die of greed and warfare and overpopulation

You: mmm... the treat of over-population is also a myth spread by rich eugenicists and could easily be solved if we dissolved capitalism in favour of food and resource distribution networks

You: but yeah, greed and warfare for sure

Stranger: lol no. overpopulation is real i see it in my own country

You: where do you live?

Stranger: the netherlands. we dont have enough houses! land is full. now 17 million... in 2050 there are 20 millions

Stranger: i can see it effect already here so i know its real

You: what? there are 20 millon people in my city

Stranger: holland is very small country. we have 17 million now. and in 2050 20 million

Stranger: but now already not enough houses

You: ok man, so maybe people will migrate or build houses/buildings/skyscrapers?

You: there is enough land to spread out on elsewhere

Stranger: migrate? thats not a solution cause sooner or later other lands are full aswell

Stranger: lol no

Stranger: have you ever been in europe

You: yeah

Stranger: you lived here or just visited

You: visited for multiple months

Stranger: yeah. well if you live here long time. you see things different. same thing as if i would go live there with you that i see things different

Stranger: the land is full. immigration is a killer

You: still the origin of "the treat of over-population" comes from eugenicists

Stranger: the origin of the immigration comes from wars in middle-east made up by governments sponsoring terrorist cells to overthrow governments in middle-east for either money or oil. those people flee and come here and stay here

Stranger: every month people comes here by 1000

Stranger: but media keeps it silence

Stranger: cause media is not neutral

You: yeah, man.... like, the media is probably in cahoots with 'big oil'?

Stranger: no the media is founded and sponsored by left-people. thinking immigration is good and should continu. so any negative news regarding it wont be in the news

Stranger: people who dont see this are truly blind

You: lol, its possible that rich people are co-opting leftist narratives to get you to have compassion for displaced immigrants so that they can continue to exploit the resources in these other countries

Stranger: Well, Holland is in Europe controlled by Europe Union. Europe Union sees and wants immigration as the world should be mixed. thats what they believe in. they make the laws for us. the left-media are people who think alike, hence why never any negative news regarding immigration is here. police have been told to keep down reports about immigration people who steal, rob, rape to not make them look bad and to make everyone believe it is good

You: also, if climate change is real, the people who are gonna get effected earliest are brown folks near the equator, so not having compasion for them is convenient, kinda why lots of right wing folks are leaning into white-nationalism in north america

Stranger: immigration here doesnt happen cause climate change i already pointed out

You: yeah.... it happens here,

Stranger: i believe when you say that. you know you country better then i do. but trust me also if i tell you this about my country

Stranger: there are many racist also out there sadly

You: yeah its awful

Stranger: it is. racist is so low-key. and narrow-minded

You: lots of cruelty in the world and misplaced anger

Stranger: but its easy to call someone a racist so they dont have to discuss the actual problem

Stranger: here everyone calls you racist quickly

Stranger: so they dont have to discuss the actual problem i just told you

You: well dude, we've been chatting for like an hour and a half, i should probably go make a sandwich or go for a walk

You: its been a good convo though

Stranger: and vote trump

You: lol, no i doubt i would do that

Stranger: hahha i thought you say that

You: i am also canadian

Stranger: ahhhhhhh

Stranger: nice

Stranger: but your prime minister sucks

Stranger: crybaby

You: gonna vote for the NDP

Stranger: whats that lol

You: it's the new democrats party, they are left of the liberals who are in power now

You: likely due to this racist black face fiasco the liberals will lose and either the conservatives and their super regressive racist agenda will win, or the NDP

You: ndp has lots of good socialist policies

Stranger: yeah its insane that you cant dress up as a black person on a party for halloween lol

You: mmmm, i mean, yeah its racist

Stranger: no its not. its a halloween party lol

You: i think blackface is more common in scandanavia?

Stranger: im really sick of these racist callers crybaby's. they ruin all the fun and always yell "racist"

You: like... their is some kinda chimney sweep character?

You: does that sound familiar or is that somewhere else?

Stranger: hey it's a halloween party you can dress like my grandma it should be possible. people get insulted way way too fast if you ask me

Stranger: yeah sound familiar

You: like, he was dressed up as aladdin, he could have done that with out painting himself black

You: that's sorta the issue

Stranger: i'm anti-racists. they are low people. but come on dressing up on halloween being called racist lol

Stranger: aladdin is black after all or dark. nobody gives a shit only the crybaby's

Stranger: if aladdin was white you would hear NOBODY about this

You: like, the aladdin in the disney cartoon was light skinned dude voiced by a white guy

You: had he worn the same outfit, but not painted his face and body black, that would have been different

Stranger: aladdin was tanned color, not dark but like tanned dark if you can say this. but whatever. if you cant dress up like black aladdin and people cry over this THAT shows exactly what is wrong with those people. always yelling racist while this guy isn't even racist at all lol

You: like, idk, its perhaps a north american issue cause of our slavery and vaudville history

Stranger: yeah people just like to yell racist and cry. its really sick. its says more about them if you ask me

Stranger: if someone dress up like a white cartoon i dont give a shit nor other white people

Stranger: black people stay playing victim

You: i mean, its annoying cause the conservative who are actively working against people of colour are using it to cry racist and win control

You: like, so that's the part that annoys me the most is that we are gonna end up with a much more actively racist government

You: but anyway.... its a whole thing

Stranger: working against someone based ONLY because their skin color is so sad! judging someone on their skincolor is sad! But dressing up like a dark disney figure using bit too much dark makeup and people get angry.... those angry people are sad

Stranger: there are bigger work problems like a aladdin costume lol

Stranger: then a ****

Stranger: but nowadays you cant say any joke about black people or jews or you are called racist

Stranger: its insane

You: i feel like you are baiting me to call you racists by pointing out these actions you mentioned are infact racist actions

Stranger: i have a friend who is jew and a friend who is black and we joke about this things and we are good friends. thats how its suppose to be not taking everything so serious

Stranger: you can call me racist lol i dont give a f*** i know what i am and what i am not

You: its possible they don't feel like they have the social capital to tell you it annoys them and that friendship with bigoted people is better than being alone because of feelings of low self-worth (cause by accepting racism)

Stranger: no they make same jokes and last time we laughed with tears about a joke my jew friend made

Stranger: we understand humor

You: ok, well, you know your scene

Stranger: yeah. unfortunately most people are fast insulted and cry fast. but not taking everything so serious and being able to make jokes should be possible its even healthy

You: ok bud, i really do have to go, you take care!

Stranger: you too

You: thanks

You have disconnected.

[punkscowardschampions]

Edie & Liam

Edie: [Okay, so a school trip moment for Edie for Politics and Society where they've gone down to the local courts to probably watch the most boring cases of people paying parking fines etc lol so have fun with that babe] Liam: got the hots for any criminals? Edie: the dude refusing to pay his child support is just my type Liam: pity I don't have any 👶 I've binned off for you Liam: all I've got going for me is how willing I am to catch a charge Edie: We're gonna snatch one, already decided Edie: daddy issues withstanding, no one here is as interesting as you Liam: when I find one with 👀 like yours Edie: 🥺🥺🥺 Edie: I'll make one for you Liam: would you? Edie: I'd do anything for you Liam: I'm just testing you, baby Edie: Test away Edie: my brain is dribbling out my ears over here Liam: don't lose it, we need it Edie: I need you Edie: what are we doing later to bring back my will to live? Liam: anything you want Edie: I might have something Liam: am I guessing or are you telling? Edie: I don't wanna get your hopes up Edie: but I heard rumours, some kid in my year reckons he's found an empty Edie: and that his brother and his mates are gonna squat in it Edie: but it's in a really fuck off big house in a decent part of town, so idk if it's bullshit or what Edie: but it'd be fun to trash if it isn't Liam: we could kick them out, stay for a while before we do Edie: yeah? Edie: play 🏡 with me Liam: somewhere nice to take the 👶 to Edie: Wonder how many rooms there are Edie: can have a playroom and everything Edie: lucky bastard Liam: do you think there's a garden? Edie: even if it's really in town, they'll still have a perfectly landscaped backyard, patio, room for a swing Liam: sandpit for our buried treasure Edie: and the dogs 🦴s Liam: great idea to blame the dog 💀🦴 Edie: I think so Edie: failing that, the previous owners Edie: clearly left in a hurry because the body count got out of control Liam: won't look suss that all the little pussies from your class who are looking at you now when they shouldn't be are in there Edie: I can think of a thousand reasons they deserve to die Edie: yours is the best though Liam: it's the most important one Edie: I don't want anyone else to look at me Liam: put your jacket on Edie: [stealth selfie 'cos p sure you are not meant to have a phone in court lol] Liam: you'll feel better now Edie: 🤏 Edie: what lesson are you in? Liam: maths Liam: about to stick a pencil through my own eye Edie: save one for me Edie: I love your eyes too Liam: right or left? Edie: left Edie: it's the side the tattoo is on Liam: 👌 Liam: [a selfie that he's edited to get rid of an eye] Edie: my cyclops Edie: still hot Liam: eye patch isn't as useful as a fake leg but I knew you'd be into it Edie: you can stash some in the socket Edie: or a 💎 Edie: can't bury all the treasure Liam: 💍 Edie: 🥰 Liam: when can you get out? Edie: when do you want me? Liam: I wanna find the house & make it nice for you first Edie: [screenshot of this kid in her year going off about it/inviting her with the address etc] Liam: I'll go now Edie: I'll pretend the cases have upset me and ask to be excused when I get the chance Edie: then I can go into town and steal all the stuff we'll need for the house Liam: don't forget the 👶 Edie: I'll look in all the prams for the bluest eyes Liam: has to be a girl though Edie: they're always decked out in all the pink Edie: even if I've left some of my brain on the seats Liam: get some clothes too then Edie: your babies would be so beautiful Edie: not like pink screaming blobs Liam: if she looks like you I don't mind her screaming, can do whatever she wants Edie: I'm in love with you Liam: I know you are Liam: & you know how I feel about you Edie: yeah Edie: you take care of me Liam: I'm trying to Edie: you are Liam: I want this to work Edie: then it will Edie: I'll do whatever you need me to Edie: be what you need Liam: you're perfect Liam: he knows that's why he invited you there Edie: but I'm going to be with you instead Liam: who is he? Edie: dunno, he's barely in any of my classes Edie: Craig something, his brother is called Sean, you've probably seen him at shit, even though he's been out of school time Liam: yeah, previous raves & shit Edie: right Edie: just think he knows I go to that shit too Liam: I just need to broadcast a bit louder that I'm with you now, everywhere Edie: How do you wanna do that? Liam: can't let you out of my sight if it means you're in theirs Edie: I'm not mad about that Edie: I want to be with you all day every day Edie: but I'll stab my eyes out before I look at anyone else Edie: you know that Liam: it's not you I don't trust Edie: if anyone touches me, you'll kill them Edie: and we'll bury them in our sandpit Liam: I test you, they test me Edie: you can handle anyone, you're so above them, everyone Liam: I don't know what I'd do if things changed Edie: things will only change if you want them to Edie: I'm not going anywhere without you Liam: tell your ma you're staying at mine, I don't want her trying to get you back Edie: okay, I will Edie: you're the only one who's allowed to tell me what to do Liam: it'll be home until we don't want it, barely a lie Edie: it doesn't matter Edie: I'm never safer than when I'm with you Liam: you can stay at mine too, any time you want Edie: I can? Liam: yeah Edie: 😄😄😄 Edie: I'm now leaving Edie: very, very devastated about the lady driving without insurance 💔 Liam: who can afford that shit, heartbreaking isn't far off Edie: it's a scam Edie: speaking of, how am I gonna liberate some sleeping bags 🤔🤔 Liam: 🤰 Edie: 💡 Edie: pram would actually be perfect Liam: didn't leave any of your brain behind Edie: don't wanna live that young mum stereotype too hard or I'll be right back in that place and I've only just escaped Liam: you won't Liam: the baby won't need to steal it from you, it'll be smart & talented & beautiful in its own right Edie: and you'll love it Edie: and always look after it too Liam: everyone says there's nothing like it, I'd have to feel something Liam: you know that's all I want Edie: I think even if you don't love your kid Edie: you must still be scared for them Edie: and for your own life, how they'll save it or destroy it Edie: that's something Liam: we could be a family, it's been so long since I had one of them Edie: all we'd need would be us three Liam: if my ma won't let us make my sister's room into one for the baby then we'll find our own place Edie: there's room at mine Edie: well, we could make it Edie: with her track record, that's the one thing she can't not be cool on Liam: mine's not cool on fucking anything, but pretend I didn't say that or you'll never wanna come over Edie: she won't like me Edie: but I'll still come Edie: and I'll try to be more what a ma would like Edie: in front of her anyway Liam: she's up for me having a girlfriend, in her words finally Edie: better not disappoint then Edie: what's she like? Liam: she's a lot but she's been through a lot Liam: maybe that's where all the shit I'm supposed to feel went to Edie: maybe Edie: that's the kind of thing a mum would do Edie: take it all on, for good or bad Liam: she does do that, since both the baby daddys she picked turned out to be losers Edie: same with mine Edie: the only person who helped her out was another chick but she died and then there was another kid to take in so Edie: I'd hate to live like that Liam: you won't Edie: I can't Liam: we've got a plan, yeah? Liam: stay with me Edie: we can be different Edie: we are Edie: don't you feel it, around everyone, all the time Liam: yeah, I do Liam: I used to hate it Edie: it's lonely Edie: was Liam: I wanted to be more like my sister, everyone knew her & liked her Liam: but she got lonely too, in the end Edie: people are selfish Edie: they couldn't deal with her pain, even though it was hers to go through Liam: she used to beg me to stay with her & I did but we weren't in the same place Liam: I couldn't go there Edie: you weren't dying Edie: that's lonely Edie: people waste their time alive being alone and not doing what they want whilst they can and for what Liam: they don't wanna live too hard in case it kills them Edie: at least that way is quick Edie: you don't have time to think about it, or wait in that place Liam: yeah Edie: it's bullshit, all of it Edie: what happened to your sister, your mum, you Edie: we'll live by our own rules and it won't be like that Liam: it was bullshit, everyone acting like there's peace & acceptance & she'd feel super chill Liam: she was angry & lonely & fucking terrified of falling off the edge Liam: exhausted from fighting to stay on Edie: why would there be, or should she be Edie: it isn't okay Edie: kids with everything ahead of them shouldn't fucking die Liam: I should've Liam: before I met you Liam: instead of her Edie: you would've if you could've Edie: the universe doesn't do trades and that's another fucked thing about it Liam: I need you to help me fix it Liam: nothing's how it's supposed to be Edie: Okay Edie: let's do it Liam: you'll really do anything for me Edie: I swear Edie: it's right Edie: it's what I'm meant to do Liam: how do you know? Edie: because I want to Edie: and if the universe is pure random, chaotic chance Edie: then you have to follow the right strings Edie: or it goes wrong, like you said Liam: & this is right Liam: the only way I have Edie: is it? Edie: for you Liam: you're all that's left Liam: I can't do anything else Liam: if this doesn't work, nothing will Edie: then it's settled Liam: you're gonna love this 🏠 Edie: what's it like? Liam: huge Liam: bigger than the one my ma rents for real Edie: no way Edie: can't believe he wasn't lying Edie: let's keep it Liam: baby, there's so much space Liam: haven't hit my head either Edie: 😱 Edie: let's stay forever Edie: we'll deal with any estate agents or potential renters who come Liam: under the floorboards Edie: bet they have loads of unnecessary storage we can use too Edie: wine cellars and pantries Liam: 👶 do have a lot of shit they need though Edie: how many bedrooms are there Liam: 4 Edie: it can have a playroom and so can we Liam: you'll be able to finish that song about me Edie: I'll write whole albums Liam: you can write one for the 👶 every milestone, like a less shit Adele Edie: 😂 Edie: I will Edie: 👶 will feel so loved Liam: I want it for my birthday Edie: have you done the maths? Liam: not in that lesson any more, give me a sec Edie: 🤞 you've not given me an impossible task 😿 Liam: [does the maths even though we don't know when his bday is or what time of year it is rn but pretend we do] Edie: okay Edie: we'll have to get moving Edie: I'll put these condoms back Liam: give them to that lad, he don't need to be having any kids Edie: seriously Edie: his brother already has some he doesn't see, right Edie: gross Liam: I got some 💊 off him that didn't do fuck all Liam: waster in every way Edie: such a loser Liam: we're gonna have to be clean Edie: me at least, when it's cooking Liam: I'm not gonna keep going without you Edie: serious? Liam: you're willing to do anything for me, I can stop taking 💊 for you Edie: I love you Liam: hurry up, you have to see this place Edie: Okay, okay Edie: there's a lot of stuff this baby needs too Liam: I need you here Edie: then I'll run Liam: you can lie down as soon you've made it home Edie: I got us dinner Liam: gutted I don't have a real 💍 in my eye socket Edie: I'll have to use a ring pull Liam: it'll work for now Edie: were your parents married? Liam: nah, but she married my sister's dad Liam: she liked him better all round Edie: that makes sense Edie: same with mine and the others dad Edie: hence she went back to him Liam: dunno what your ma was thinking but in fairness to mine he was less of a twat for a while Edie: can't help who you love Edie: some people are unlucky with that too Liam: yeah Liam: & some people never get to be in love Edie: some people don't let themselves Liam: like we said earlier about not living Edie: yeah Edie: I guess it is scary but what's the alternative Liam: I used to properly feel things you know Edie: before your sister died Liam: if it was there before, it could be again Edie: definitely Edie: I know it Edie: we'll work it out Liam: you'll be happy here Liam: [a pic of the cute shit he's been doing in her absence trying to make this place nice for her] Edie: 🥺🥺 Edie: it says I'm nearly there Liam: I'll come out so I can carry you in 👰 Edie: you know I'd die to make you happy Liam: but that isn't what I want Liam: I'd prefer if you lived forever Edie: then I'll do that Edie: we can have hundreds of babies if that's what you need Edie: or do all the drugs in the world Edie: or go on the longest killing spree Liam: I think that'd take a huge toll on you physically, which I don't want either Liam: I'm not trying to ruin you Edie: you might make me actually cry Liam: stay beautiful, that's what I need Edie: Come get me Liam: [does] Edie: [lowkey laden down with all the essentials be careful boy] Liam: [literally take a sec to imagine them going from room to room planning their lives like adorable nerds] Edie: [this is all so bittersweet we're so mean] Liam: [I'm totally fine and not gonna sob] Edie: [I think if they made it look lived in, it'd make the squatters go away, so then it's just when the landlord/estate agent moment shows up eventually, but I think that would give them a bit of time to do it, even if it's like a week] Liam: [there's just something so pure about this, like it really reminds me how young and broken they are, casually playing pretend like little kids here] Edie: [mhmm, like because she's technically smart everyone expects her to be cynical and realistic but she can't be and is like genuinely if we try hard enough this will all work and be real] Liam: [just reminding me of my pure baby angel Carly in a way I did not expect to be hit by, excuse me] Edie: [when you're more like her and Billie is more like Ali don't mind me] Liam: [I don't know why I love that so much but I do] Edie: [just live your best lives huns, all the ridiculous things you've got for this home moment, also some kind of baby doll 'cos we didn't steal a real child] Liam: [we don't need either of you getting in that much trouble when the fams are gonna be annoyed as is, they should totally film something with it during this week because those hoes] Edie: [creepy, cryptic video in response to where you are like soz for scaring you all half to death it's just our brand] Liam: [and she should practice tattoo designs on it for him like do you like this one or nah] Edie: [definitely covered in biro] Liam: [put your treasure in it's eye socket] Edie: [there's so many sick designs tbh] Liam: [are we saying they still go to school or purely hole up] Edie: [probably hole up 'cos 1 why not but 2 at least you'd know they were together even if not where lol] Liam: [it adds to the vibe of their own little world so I'm here for it] Edie: [like truly why would you go to school, maybe when you're pregnant and we need to win people 'round lmao] Liam: [he wouldn't stalk Rio all week that means #proudofyouboy] Edie: [we're all thrilled] Liam: [actual progress for real because he's been doing it for years and he didn't force Edie to go to school so he could] Edie: [it truly is, when you're just having fun gah] Liam: [proud of you for living real life again boy, speaking of, we know the vibe but is there anything you wanna write down here as defs happening this week other than what we've said?] Edie: [hmm, so let's recap real quick and then we can add anything if we think of it, we've got homey things and he's made it cute and we're playing house so the squatters don't come and wreck it, which is so cute, we're planning our family and life like this is absolutely nbd, doing all the biro tattoos, making our ARG and making a weird/scary vid for the fam lollollol soz, just clearly getting to know each other intensely and bonding and cementing this plan] Liam: [do write some songs gal but I also think they should try whatever drugs they want to that they haven't before they get clean for this pregnancy moment because adds to the bonding that they don't even throw a party they just do it together] Edie: [i vibe that because it isn't about the party of it all, it's the feeling things, so it makes feelsy sense] Liam: [yeah I felt it, and it's so cute that they're doing all these domestic things while sometimes high af] Edie: [like you said, we don't need to be saints 'cos who is even when they have a child but it's very noble that you're like okay let's get it out of the way lol] Liam: [literally ruster are still living lavish and partying with their champagne and coke when they have theirs, tell me I'm wrong] Edie: [mhmm, y'all are very sweet actually it's pure] Liam: [neither of them seem like they would be so sweet and pure and that's why I stan it] Edie: [maybe they can do things they'll do when they have the bub like the park etc so like normal childhood things which he probably didn't get to do much] Liam: [boo how dare you, that's so cute] Edie: [like again, bittersweet but also childlike vibes again and he can enjoy it] Liam: [also I vote he gets on this roof and shouts about his feelings like he said he was gonna on the school roof] Edie: [a mood, and you can be a bit destructive inside, just got to keep it looking respectable so every loser in town doesn't crash your fun] Liam: [OMG but what if that's towards the end of the week and he says he loves her then because he has not like literally shout it from the rooftops but genuinely] Edie: [need that tbh 'cos as in this as she is and not turning back, she's obvs noticed he hasn't like she knows she's still out here trying to make him feel not like oh yes, I have succeeded lol] Liam: [it just is real like when you're pissing about at first but then the feels carry you along] Edie: [oh you two]