#so I guess we can't be a community and I have to dedicate my whole online presence to fighting women in my own community 💔

[virtue-boy]

Went on a transandrophobia truther blog and instantly saw this ..

1) love the slight of hand where he says "being trans" instead of actually identifying any positionality or god forbid mentioning WOMANHOOD as a type of positionality in his post which allows him to call trans women men and completely disregard the experience of the closested trans WOMAN. Telling that your argument hinges on "after transitioning to a man I am exactly the same as a woman undercover as a man"

2) just say you're not on T and you don't know anyone who is. Like as someone who's passed as male on an off for my whole life and now fully passes as male all the time thanks to T I low key snorted reading this... Liiike let's be for real here passing as a man (and doubly so if u are binary and have the pronouns to match) and passing gives you privilege out the fucking wazoo and I literally think about it every time I leave the house, meet new people, take blue collar jobs, interact w people on public transit, walk around at night, go to gay clubs, bond w male overseers, look for roommates, etc. This is obviously extremely racialized as much as it is gendered, but there is literally not a single "privilege" I had as a girl (that was assumed to be a guy 50-70% of the time) that I lost as a guy.

3) Also how do trans men "inherently defy patriarchal manhood" I literally know a trans guy who went to jail for domestic violence against a woman like trans men are incredibly capable of accessing and enacting patriarchy and thinking ourselves justified in accessing patriarchal homosociality. Like we are literally becoming men and we don't just magically exit the patriarchal society because we aren't the men at the top of the make food chain.... a la R.W. Connel. Being trans men means we lose some for being trans but we win some because we are men. Like gay men are frequently denied their masculinity but it would be dodo brained to act like gay men have no male homosociality they can access or that no gay man has ever accessed male homosociality. Like if u believe that you actually don't know any gay history Attttt Alllllll 😭 like genuinely. We also earn more money per dollar than women in our same gender modality, that doesn't sound like "inherently defying patriarchal manhood" to me that sounds actually like a pretty typical social positionality for oppressed and marginalized men. Like in my own friend groups, at school, and in my music and promotions scene being an (openly trans) man actually has granted me actually a lot of homosociality that I can draw on.

[tardis--dreams]

Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care

[cathalbravecog]

final daily high roller before april toons! see you tomorrow at the show! ;)

did not expect myself to pull off a "fancy drawing" today, and yet here i am! sappiness below, i suggest my friends read at least parts of it! i apologize beforehand for how long and personal it is.

well by cog, it's been another year, hasn't it? i can't describe how nervous and excited i am for tomorrow! or rather. today. it's 5 am. yeah, this was a bit of a crunch. but i managed to pull it off!

i actually intended 2 smaller pieces (the other being frostroller/selfship based.), each with different messages underneath and meanings. but i guess i'll put a compressed version of both in here. it certainly isn't a massive dedication piece as my dedicated piece from last year - but considering how special this all is to me, attached to this piece - i'll use this place as my Ramble Zone. note, i am very sleepy. if this makes less sense, gimmie some slack! ;p

high roller is like the ultimate representation of corporate clash to me. bold, chaotic, unique, new... something created by the hands of passion. breaking the limits of what can be toontown, just for the sake of it! for fun! to create. to play!

and as we all know by now, corporate clash (and high roller especially) mean a lot to me. but i want to make this more about clash in general.

i never expected myself to get this attached to toontown, or this server for that matter. it's possibly the most intense interest i have had, staying on top no matter what. interests come and go for me alongside it, sure... but toontown i figured is just where i feel safe.

now now, i do have conflicting feelings about the fandom/community that i am vocal about. but by safe i mea just... this game as a whole. the characters. the toons, the cogs. the silly world. and most importantly, as cheesy as a big cheese as it is, the friends made along the way!

i can talk about how much an escapism and comfort media this little world is to me. but it genuinely would not be the same without my friends. the dear friends i made thanks to corporate clash. genuinely some of the best people i have met in my life, that i cannot imagine my life without now.

i cannot even begin to describe how thankful i am. and this is why i want my friends to read this - you!!! all of you. i love you so much. i know i can be a lot, but i cannot thank you enough for... just being there. for being my friends. for existing! you are truly incredible people and have helped me so much.

from being shoulders to cry or vent on, to someone to share countless laughs with, to someone who i just hang out in vc for hours doing nothing at all, to someone who will listen to my passionate infodumps. or someone to help me train drop on an alt. good lord.

i am sure i would have crawled out alright even without any of this. with just the people i knew before, and some other hyperfixation. but i'll tell you out right. i am so happy my life has lead me to these moments. even if it has been genuine torture at times. i would not change it at all just for the fact i get to be friends with incredible people.

i would have been a different person, for sure... and i am just so glad i am who i am right now. there's still so many flaws, but i know i got my friends with me. and it's all thanks to clash! all because i decided to play on a very specific time that allowed all of this!

and now if i may, i'm going to get a little sappy about high roller, as i haven't quite yet. i don't have much time to type left (sleepy.) but i have to gush about my f/o a little bit. obviously, i did not go into clash for high roller. hr happened after and was just... the perfect bundle of chaos and themes for me to get attached to.

i've been a little crazy since day one, but i've hid my feelings behind a lot of shame and fear. but over time, i allowed myself to let these feelings blossom (for better or for worse) and open up more. through this, and the support of my friends, i have learned to be less shameful and... be myself more!! do what i want. i have always been one for that, but sometimes shame just gets you.

high roller as a character makes me very happy, and is The Guy In My Head Who Comes To Me In Clutch.

i am very happy a character like this exists. who matches me and my energy. (or, at least when i am not anxious over something, and have energy. LOL. suppose vibes is the better term! :P)

representation for someone like me is... pretty scarce to find. i know many of this is projection but... seeing a canonical character who kind of just fucks with gender, is typically masc leaning, and is just... ALL OVER THE PLACE? CHAOS INCARNATE? CONFIDENCE INCARNATE? not only is it tropes i like. but it's also just... how i feel like? (hell, frostbite is a lot of those things, they are a flawed, extreme representation of how i'd like to be, and highlighting some of my good traits! while also just... being a fun character. Anyway.)

now i am not going to go into explaining my identity, and my headcanons and how that ties with the canon for... this non canon character. but just what we have makes me so happy. it makes me seen. i don't feel seen like this almost... ever. hr being the way she is, is very encouraging and comforting for me. and entertaining! (well. it is a show host after all!)

it is no surprise that with all this genuine comfort, feeling of being seen, sheer entertainment and his charming nature, i became infatuated quite quickly. if i was less tired i would have more clever words for this. but i just want you to know how much this character means to me. a lot of it IS just. difficult to explain Mental Illness Attachment.

there's one thing that is quite private for me that this character has helped me process, that i bubbled in for my whole life. it is trauma related so i wont go into it. but i cannot believe this is what did it for me. and yknow what? i am thankful.

thank you, clash, my dear friends, and high roller for... just dragging me through shit. keeping me confident. having something to look forward to. because god. life has been hell. unironically one of the main things keeping me going IS looking forward to april toons.

there's definitely more words i wish to say, but at that point i would be repetitive, and my tiredness and brainfog would be obvious. so i'll take care of myself and end it here! pat on my head for being brave about typing all this.

that being said. i love you, clash. i love you, all my friends i have made from this game (and all others!), and of course, i love you, high roller. cant wait to drop 10000 pianos on you. die forever 10000 years That Dumb Duck That I Hate (kiss yaoi sloppy styl I HAVE BEEN ADVISED TO NOT CONTINUE THIS SENTENCE

... oh, you're still here? well alright. you get something, too! have an early work in progress version of the piece!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Hi! I have a Big Question about navigating a conflict in my local kink community, and I've appreciated the stuff you've posted about kink before. It's fine if this is too much work or takes a long time to answer :) I'd like to CW for sexual assault and anti-transmasc conversion therapy (feminist edition)

So there's a handful of cishet women who have formed a group dedicated to "making the community safer for queer people and women". I don't have all the details, but apparently there was a sexual assault that the ethics committee handled poorly, so these people are calling for the ethics committee to resign and a raft of other safety changes. I support them overall.

The trouble is that they're coming at the whole thing from an "angry cishet women who are fed up with Men!!!" stance, and I'm a bisexual trans man who was specifically subjected to conversion therapy about how being a man would make me a predator and I should go back in the closet as a woman. While the group has said that they're trans-inclusive, I've seen some events that are like "let's talk about how to make the community safer for queer people and women -- no men allowed", and one of them has some writings about how if men get sexually assaulted it should be the responsibility of other men to support them, because "we have to triage the people most affected by sexual assault". You can see why I might be nervous about them.

They're running an all-genders meeting next week to discuss their goals and code of conduct. I've asked to meet them in a more private setting -- initially this was because I couldn't make the meeting, but I'm intending to follow up and basically say "I know that my trauma is likely to trigger other people and I don't want to stop other survivors getting heard". However, even in a more private setting like a one-on-one coffee I'm not really sure how to pitch my concerns in a way that an Angry Cishet Woman will be receptive to. I've already had a lot of experience with my issues being dismissed as "MRA shit", it was one of the ways they kept me in conversion therapy (because if you're upset by people saying that transitioning would make you a rapist, you just aren't feminist enough). I'm also worried that it's going to be stressful and they're going to say stuff that triggers me, and that they aren't going to be willing to make any concessions for my needs even though I'm making concessions for theirs.

Ultimately what I want to tell them is that there's no one-size-fits-all culture that makes people feel safe, because some of us have diametrically opposed types of trauma, and so what we need is clear expectations about what behaviours are allowed in which spaces. This is kind of already solved by the fact that they have a "women and nonbinary" group I'm not in, where they presumably can talk about how they hate and fear men all they like, but I worry that they want to impose a norm of "people should be able to talk about how they hate and fear men anywhere they want, to make them feel safe" which would push me out of the spaces I'm in. But communicating that would mean getting them to understand how much it fucks me up to have to listen to someone tell me how much they fear men, and I'm scared they won't care and will just tell me that It's Part Of Being A Man.

I guess I was wondering whether you'd dealt with any situations like this before, and if you had any thoughts on how to meet these people where they're at while still looking after myself and getting my needs met? Thanks in advance!

Gonna be real with you.

I can't tell if the group is a clusterfuck or if you're already too triggered by what's happening and what's been said to convey an actual conflict to me. The pull quotes you've given me are horrific, but the way you are talking about the people who made them is actually fairly dehumanizing. It sounds like you, as well as the rest of the community, have internalized a pretty horrifying degree of identitarian/individualist alienation from each other and are not, in fact, in actual community with each other. Maybe never have been. The way you're all talking about this situation is making it very difficult for me to manage my own anger response right now, because I do not see any of what you describe ending any other way but a truly unspeakable level of interpersonal and lateral violence being wielded and then consequently denied by whoever wins control of the space.

But as you've written it, this is not a conflict situation, this is a "get the fuck out and let the group blow itself up where it can't hurt you" situation.

To answer your broader question at the end, I absolutely do have experience managing the aftermath of sexual assault within a community, and in fact am CURRENTLY dealing with it on a county wide level at work because The Shit We Don't Talk About Finally Can't Be Silenced Anymore.

Some Do's and Don'ts as a community aftersomething like this happens:

Do: create sexual abuse survivor support groups. While it is acceptable to utilize break out groups within the space to facilitate more specific conversations and peer care (e.g. temporarily sectioning the group out by gender or by cis vs trans or by race or disability status or etc to facilitate a specific kind of conversation), it is never acceptable to bar a person from a sexual assault trauma recovery group on the basis of a fixed/static identity or existence.

Do: set firm boundaries around what kind of behavior is accepted with the space of both peer support groups specifically (group facilitators are typically already trained to do this, but if, for example, your group is entirely volunteer run, they may need to OBTAIN that training.) and in the broader spaces of the community. Be open about how violations will be handled in their aftermath and utilize restorative justice techniques where possible to reduce the need to remove people from an essential space of safety.

Don't: make a habit of trying to base individual care responses off general data trends. Those trends are there to contextualize and inform our understanding of how a thing might happen and what resources may or may not already be in play. They do NOT *EVER* dictate the actual lived reality of the human beings you are making a plan for.

Do: establish sexual health and safety education programming that is introduced, reviewed, and proactively entrenched in the community culture, including information about domestic violence, sexual assualt, health-risk management, family planning, and other important topics.

Do: create private spaces in which people/survivors can seek more individualized support, ideally someone with training in conflict resolution/mediation communication procedures

Don't: silo sexual abuse survivors. I really don't like that I have to say this, but I've seen it enough times now to know that I do. I don't care what your reasoning is. You do not silo sexual assualt/abuse survivors away from fully formed and identified safety and recovery resources. The idea that your group might just abandon the care of male victims to the men in the community WITHOUT SUPPORTING THEM IN FACILITATING THAT CARE means the care won't happen. I know we hear about domestic violence shelters sectioned out by gender all the time but remember HOW we talk about them - as inhumane and cruel tools of misgendering, family separation, denial of abuse,and more. This is NOT an approach to replicate, which is why MANY shelters have been gradually transitioning away from it.

Do: organize and hold a long term-ongoing series of small group conversations. In a space I was in, we held what we called "The Taboo Talks" series once a month for six months every year. Each group had a set agenda topic, and clear rules and expectations around how people would interact with the space and each other, and was boundaried by a trained group facilitator who would step in and actively reorient within those expectatioms as needed. We talked about things like race, gender, sexual abuse, specific kinks or activities, historic events or experiences of intergenerational trauma, and so much more. These talks were a HUGE part of how we were able to really create a sense of shared community and unconditional regard. Attendance of certain events was dependent on participation in these talks. You didn't have to come to every single one, but you DID have to participate, or for the off months you would not be eligible for certain events that required a higher degree of mutual trust and safety. You could try again after the next talk session.

Do: create space for people to speak about feelings and thoughts that you absolutely do not feel capable of tolerating. The group isn't for any one of you. Unconditional regard means that they should be willing to make an effort to see and engage with your full humanity, sure. But it also means that when they inevitably fuck that up during the process of conveying emotionally difficult content of their own, YOU NEED TO RETURN THE FAVOR. Does it SUCK as a trans person to hear "men have no place in survivor spaces"? Yes. Is it something that needs to be gently explored and corrected? Yes. Is it going to help fuck all anyone for trans folks in this space to approach that from a perspective of trying to convince "cishet" (hey you know you do NOT have the right to make that assessment on behalf of the women in question right? And if they aren't all cishet women, you're gonna find yourself in a REAL fuckin pickle making that assertion about them OR their rhetoric) women that they're privileged and empowered over trans and queer people.

Don't: allow oppression olympics rhetoric to stand. From anyone. Including yourself. This is NOT a space to be trying to argue and pursuade people of a hierarchy of systemic oppression that means one portion of the group gets to silence or ignore the needs and feelings of the other. You will win yourself no allies and no favors walking into this space on the defensive against people trying to negotiate safety changes rather than as if you are in full collaboration from them but have different thoughts on what might be load-bearing.

Do: share your story and perspective in the space being made for victims. It's hard and scary, but that is what the space is FOR and the more people, the more perspectives are open there, the safer the space will be more often than not.

Do: ask reframing questions such as "if we plan to segregate sexual abuse survivor support programs by gender, how will we ensure that both spaces are functioning in support of each other and with an effective distribution of resources? Would we be able to have an over-arching, unsegregated program with specific meetings, groups, or activities being segregated when necessary? Why or why not?" Another good question might be "do we have access to formal resources and training on how to support survivors? Who in these programs do we believe HAS to have this training, and what kind of training do we think it needs to be?" An absolutely CRITICAL question is "do we have a clear and comprehensive understanding of the incidences of sexual assault and abuse in this community? If not, how can we obtain that understanding?"

Don't: make accusations. This is tricky because "accusation" is a FAR broader definition than people realize. In relationship counseling we sometimes say "if the word 'you' has left your mouth, no matter what came around it, start over and try to say what you're saying without ever using a pronoun other than I." Give it a shot sometime, itxs actually REALLY fucking hard to do. But I guaran-goddamn-tee you that "the way you're talking about this implies that my abuse doesn't matter" will net you a fight. Because no. No the fuck it doesn't. And also yes the fuck it does. The ENTIRE point of conflict resolution is that it's happening because two mutually exclusive things are trying to exist in shared space and that requires active negotiation and communication. Walking in with the statement "I am feeling anxious and afraid that a gender segregated space will be unsafe and alienating, as they historically have been, for myself and other trans people. I appreciate your stated goals of making the support program inclusive. Can you describe to me what that looks like in the current planning? What steps are you taking/planning to take to implement this goal? What conversations are you facilitating to ensure that myself and other trans people are included in the planning of spaces we are eligible for from the ground up? It would feel very painful and unsafe if we were only brought in at the end of the process." will get you way farther.

I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds scary and overwhelming, and it sounds like everyone involved is feeling very triggered (understandably) right now.

[docholligay]

The Echo Wife by Sarah Gailey

Nonspoilery: This was a pretty reasonable sci fi story! It was fine! It'd be a good, quick read for an airplane.

Spoilers:

If I could make one rule, it would be that you aren't allowed to tell people what your book is about. Or that I am physically barred from reading afterwords and thank yous ahaha. I wish I wouldn't do it! At least a quarter of the time I get really annoyed.

So we have this perfectly decent book that's pretty heavy handed on the idea of, "What if...someone was willing to destroy everything about you to make you the person they wanted?" I mean, there's even a lengthy discussion of conditioning the clone and breaking its bones and all that, it's not subtle. It's not bad! I did not have the slightest problem with it! I think this would be a great book to teach the 15-20 year old set, or even just people who are learning about the story under the story, how to do that. I would use it!

I wasn't think about it too much. Evelyn and Martine are fun and fine. I like that Martine is impossible, and I think the book succeeds most for me when Evelyn is realizing that SHE, TOO, wants Martine to be compliant and easy. It removes a little bit of the heavy-handed "THE PATRIARCHY" and complicates the issue a little bit. Otherwise, it's just Martine and Evelyn against men, and you know me, women and women first, but it's just...easy? I guess that's what I would say: This book is easy. Lines are fairly clearly drawn for most adults. The idea of "It's easy to consume people if you hold the power" and "can you hold one man responsible for the action of another" are asked and answered pretty simply. Again, not a criticism just a note.

But then the afterword is like, *serious post-therapy session slam poetry voice* I dedicate this book to the men who abused me, and groomed me, and then i was saved by queerness or whatever. Babygirl, I read the book. I was there. Let people be lost if they can't pick this up, I beg.

I am keenly aware that some of this is a me problem, and I don't fit into the larger QUILTBAG community, am doomed to be on the outside forever, and I'm sure it eats this shit up, (and I know they do because I saw reviews when I went to read this clamoring for people to read the afterword) but my god just like...I can read. Not just literally I can make letters into sounds in my head, but I can read meanings into stories. This whole movement of explaining the book in the back of it like looking up the crossword answers, they should be difficult to find and you should make a lengthy effort to do it on your own.

Anyway, the book itself was fine and pretty much what I might have expected. It was fun. But the afterword annoyed me and I wish I could stop myself from reading them, why am I like this always?

[zeroducks-2]

2/16/20/22/25 violence ask game GO

Help I realized now how many are there lmfao alright here we go

2. a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

Actually I don't really have it? I mean I do have a preference when it comes to blorbo roles in bed but it's not that strict. I don't think Dick would ever top WITH SLADE though, and my compelling argument is that he prefers bottoming and Slade wouldn't fucking let him top lmao

But then again this IS the choose violence ask game, so I am gonna choose violence:

I'm fed the fuck up with the whole "if you have strict sex roles for your blorbos you are a reactionary fascist enforcer of gender stereotypes whatever, or anyway the heteronormative society brainwashed you, especially if the 'shorter man bottoms' and the 'bigger man tops'". Like shut the trap man. First of all cause my sexual preferences are not up for political scrutiny because they are just that - sexual preferences when it comes to fiction - and second because this is the exact kind of piece of shit virtue signaling antis do, injecting moral and political bullshit in what people do for harmless fun in their free time. And third because acting like in real life people didn't have strict preferences for topping or bottoming makes me think you never interacted with real life people.

Like yeah lots of folks are versatile in bed. There are also lots of folks who are strictly tops, and lots of folks who are strictly bottoms. Go out and talk to people, you will find out incredible things I promise.

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

The whole "batfamily" being a happy wholesome family with all of them being supportive loving siblings UwU and living all together in Wayne Manor each one with their cute little personalized room that Alfred cleans every morning after breakfast. These folks do not communicate with each other and have never lived together. They lack the basics foundation to be a big happy family. Yes they love each other, yes some of them are closer to each other than others, and yes there are moments of tenderness, but why the hell would anyone push this Hamtaro-esque "everyone lives in a wholesome house of happiness🌻✨" bs is completely beyond me.

It makes no sense and it's just so utterly divorced from the actual state of canon, and from just everything that defines these characters as individuals and as a group.

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

Well the DC canon is so vast there's actually lots of canon I found boring. I guess when it comes to blorbos, I was not able to stomach the entirety of the Ric Grayson storyline. Like honestly it was most of all boring as fuck.

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

EOBARD BEING IN LOVE WITH BARRY.

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

"You guys don't write about/draw/create meta about female characters because you're sexist"

I've explained why this is utter bullshit many times but to be honest, with DC it is especially annoying. There is a HUGE fandom for female DC characters, even for those that have not appeared officially in comics for more than a decade. DC has some of the most beloved, celebrated (and famous!) female characters IN THE WORLD (Batgirl, Supergirl, Wonder Woman, Catwoman, Harley Quinn), and if there aren't decent titles dedicated to them you need to blame DC, not the fans. Also sometimes there are decent titles with their fanbase of art and fanfics and metas, and yall complaining just because you're addicted to virtue signaling.

"Ah but Zero! I like X female character that appeared a total of 10 times 25 years ago, and all I can find are Jason Todd fanarts!" Let me stop you right there my friend, and ask you whose fault is it that X female character hasn't appeared in 25 years, which means no one fucking knows who she is so they don't draw fanarts and write fanfictions. DC comics executives, or the fandom? You think I'm happy that post reboot they acted like Cassandra and Stephanie didn't even exist? You think I'm happy that Barbara's struggle and journey to learn to live with her disability and become the backbone of the superhero society was thrown in the trash? You think I'm happy that Pat Trayce is relegated to ONE ridiculous cameo in Deathstroke 2016? Or that no one has seen Jenni Ognats since the fucking 90s? IS ALL OF THIS THE FANDOM'S FAULT, OR DCs' ??? (I'm done)

AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE PEOPLE WHO GO "bUt zErO iT'S miSogynisTiC to bReaK uP a HeT CaNoN shiP to pUSh tHe faNoN gAy cOUpLe" You don't belong in fandom and you clearly have no idea how it works. And if you DO know how it works, you're either a psyop or a hardcore homophobe, or both, and you don't belong in fandom and you should fuck off faster than light. (okay I am actually done now)

Ask game here!

[rodrigoincolors]

I didn't really plan on posting anything but the art I had prepared for the Halloween season. But, unfortunately, Liam passed and I feel I had to have this artistic outlet for what feels like a (sad and unexpected) closing.

As a kid, I had no friends and I was truly an outcast. Then I became a teenager, found my passion for pop culture and became a Directioner. Coincidentally, that same year, I went to a new school downtown and made friends who appreciated me for me and shared all the same passions. This gave me an immense sense of community I used to long for. I also find a much broader community online and that was just as powerful.

I used to have blogger websites dedicated to Demi Lovato and One Direction (they were my faves). I was fortunate to find my creative side through this. I discovered I'm quite good with words and started writing fanfics and other kids of texts. But my webpage needed a design and this necessity led me to the other side of my creative self. Long story short, here I am still posting illustrations, alongside many other of my creations.

I can't understand this... I've never met Liam in person, but still, I find it kind of scary that his art had such impact in me. This whole week I've been listening to my One Direction CDs and flipping through the magazines I used to buy every week, where Liam was present among so many of those pages.

Almost every song has a memory or a feeling attached to it. It's been more than 10 years since my world first changed. I admit it's been time enough... Way too many things happened that made me forget some of those feelings. I learned about other songs... Met other people... But I guess none of that mattered, because I felt 13 or 14 all over again.

Liam, dear, I wish those feelings I know I share with millions of other people could've been enough to keep you from giving up. Now there's nothing else to do but to thank you and wish you finally found the light you were looking for. You helped so many of us and I know this has got to mean something.

I love you. We love you. We're half a heart without you...

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

Something I can't understand is the ideology that modern Neo Progressives have in general. Because frankly they don't have cohesive ideology at all. They believe in Communism (or so most say) but literally are the world's biggest Karen's when it comes to consumer goods. Like iPhones and anything Apple.

They will scream EAT THE RICH, while subsequently padding those same rich wallets. Then they will scream about the environment and it gets kinda wild. Because they want paper straws, never you mind you can't really recycle them, they are often made of NOT good materials for people or for the environment, AND production of them is actually worse all things considered. Yet they claim that you should do it FOR the environment........Sure.

Then there's the fact that Hamas is killing people in Gaza now, and I see no mention of "Genocide" almost at all any more. No mention of care at all about what's going on. Guess the issues was actually the Jews then. BUT NO that doesn't make sense either because they are convinced that Elon, Trump, etc are all SOMEHOW, Nazis. Despite Trump helping his daughter transition over to Judaism to marry her husband. And also because the wave that Elon did was not very Nazi like.....And is far less similar to a Nazi salute than Elizabeth Warren, Hillary, Obama, Harris, and Bush have done. So you hate Jews, (Even though you refuse to admit it and just say Zionists instead because it somehow became socially acceptable) and you have the NERVE to call Elon a Nazi?

Hamas were literally waving Nazi flags at their own rallies. Oh and that's not also adding to it the fact that China, the country that everyone that left TikTok is now FAWNING over, have never listened to people that have lived there for any extended period of time....ever. Like the people that escaped and now live in the US. AND THAT is a whole separate can of worms because China is HELLA racist, they have ZERO free speech. They don't have almost any women's rights at all, and they are literally the Actors of the Eastern world.

"Don't worry. We aren't raping Uighur women daily. Don't worry we didn't weld people into their homes to enforce 'Zero Covid'. Don't worry none of those welded in starved to death. Don't worry our people totally have access to free and open information. We are so dedicated to that, that a government actor needs to be in every business over a certain size? We will just tell everyone our apartments are 500$ a month/year......while not telling them how much we MAKE a month or year. Yes please hate American more and eat our propaganda harder."

Oh, and a secondary mention of the poor Uighurs. Sterilized, Shaved bald, made to all wear the same thing, re-education camps on how they are impure and wrong. Then there's the rapes of the women to breed them out. AND THEN used as cheap slave labor.

PLEASE do tell me you care about Muslims when you overlook an actual by the definition Genocide. But because it's Communists doing it, it's just fine I guess. Their lives don't actually matter. Funny enough black lives wouldn't in China either. Hell they HATE the LGBT with a passion but know that western liberals love the LGBT and use that as a publicity stunt to try and con said Western Libs that they somehow actually care. You people are walking. Talking. Contradictions. And a lot of the outrage you fake is over stuff you know NOTHING about.

Like getting mad that illegals are being deported despite more rapists coming into this country due to having basically NO borders at all. And before some moron comes into my notes and say's "Not all _____ are~" see....Let me stop you right there. NO HONEST PERSON is calling all of ANYONE crossing the border, Rapists. It's just a Factual POINT that rapists, sex traffickers, CHILD traffickers and drug mules have made a huge boom off of Biden's policies. If you have a real ideology, then stand the fuck by it and stop making excuses. Move to a country where hate speech laws exist. You will learn fast what it means to NOT really have free speech. Especially not when you are not allowed to talk poorly of your government or it's officials. Lest you be arrested or fined. Like in the UK.

People in the US think things are just awful here. Live other places for long stints of time and do all the same stuff you do here. You can't. You walk into and ER here, they have to see you. It might take 2 hrs but they CAN'T turn you away. Canada? Your "Socialist Dream" depending on what's wrong with you, their system is so strained, it could talk you days or months to be seen at all. SURE most of its free, but did you know that wealthy Canadians TEND to come to the US for healthcare because they feel they get treated better and more thoroughly. Wild right? But it happens.

Moral of the story. Things here are far better than you realize. And EVERY country has its own issues. Most countries have stricter laws, stricter borders, stricter immigration laws, and several other things. Including restricting self defense, arms ownership, and speech. And many have higher taxes than CA. Neo Progs will never understand how well they have it. And I don't know how to tell them the rest of the countries and cultures they defend look at them as degenerates. Sluts. Whores. Evil. Monsters. Gross. Etc. Any other bad word you can think that's how they see you. Unless you listen to their PR people. And you ALWAYS DO.

[wc-confessions]

Going to sound like a loonie who deserves to be locked away but: warriors should end with the clans getting rid of the code and maybe their lifestyle while we're on it. Like, I know that's basically their rules and you can't have a society without rules. But honestly, it's been proven by many occasions that the code does more harm than good Hollyleaf going beserk? That was the code

Leafpool having to hand her kits to someone else? Code + Starclan with their bs

"The leader's word is the warrior code" this sounds like a recipe for a dictator to come to power but alright I guess. Lets just pretend Tigerstar didnt happen.

And many other incidents, but I don't feel like talking about them all so I'm just gonna continue my rant

I wish I could excuse all of this, but the more I think about Warrior Cats worldbuilding as a whole, the less it seems like a community dedicated to help one another and it begins to look more like a cult, right with the xenophobic views on clanless cats and other minor groups like Sisters. I wish we had more characters that openly question their lifestyle and their rules. More characters like Nightpelt, who actively question Starclan. Imagine if we had a leader character that went against the code to help other cats in need, clan cats or not. More anarchistic characters. Heck, maybe even characters that get fed enogh with code bullshit and ditch the clan lifestyle altogether.

but anyway, just gonna say this: If your rules in your story bring more harm than good, maybe you should reform them.

also anarchy is fun

.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

So I occasionally browse the notes of this blog just because I know some people Can't Resist Being Shitty in the notes and I occasionally need to go through and block just to keep this blog's engagement positive. However, this evening I found something in the notes that's not exactly...shitty...and more, uh...okay, it's hard to explain. But I felt it's something I wanted to address.

Apparently one of my original posts made it into some fandom drama blogs. I don't really place any restrictions on what blogs people are allowed to reblog my posts to, so I don't necessarily take issue with that. Just a handful of people who Really Like a certain male celebrity (me too btw, but that's not what this is about) and have blogs dedicated to him and have a chain post arguing with each other in my notes.

And I guess in this small segment of the Internet people are getting angry that one blogger made a "woman's issue" about a rich white man. While I never intended my post to be about this certain celebrity, I did want to address something. I am a woman, a cis woman, and so a lot of my posts are about issues that primarily occur in women. But I think it's better if my blog is not exclusive. It's not ONLY women who have these issues. I don't want to make ANYONE'S struggle invisible on this blog.

For example, the original post mentioned things like cellulite, which occurs more often in AFAB bodies than AMAB bodies. However, trans men have AFAB bodies, and some enbies do too. That might be something that causes them to have body image issues, and I would never want them to feel like they can't engage with/relate to a post I made (that never specifically mentioned women btw). Women of course are free to relate to it too!

The post additionally mentioned things like stretch marks and aging wrinkles. AFAB and AMAB bodies both get these.

Not specified in the post, but it's also a natural part of the human experience for disabled people to have stigmatized body differences, and need to love their own bodies as well. Physical disabilities can occur in both AMAB and AFAB people.

I don't know, maybe I didn't need to make this a whole thing. I chose not to engage in that post or respond to anybody on it because it had so little to do with what my blog is actually about, just a lot of people loudly disagreeing on how to be a fan of That One Male Celebrity. Really just Tumblr Being Tumblr. But I think it's important for us to talk about this in ED recovery communities, and recognize it.

It's okay for us to want our own struggle seen and recognized. But we should also take the time to recognize the ED experiences of people whose stories are very different from ours. The traditional ED public narrative tends to be a skinny white cis girl who has anorexia or bulimia. But those who don't fit that narrative still need support and healing. I just want to create a space where everyone can experience that and learn in a positive way.

So unless I make a post that specifically mentions that it's about women - my posts are generally not just for women. I don't believe it takes away any specific resources - since access to my posts are not on a first-come-first-serve basis - for people who do not identify as women to engage a post that many women also identify with. In fact, I hope it might help us to better build a stronger, more understanding recovery community with a diverse understanding of ED experiences.

Off soapbox, send post.

[autogeneratedkahootnickname]

Yeah so I'm an Amber apologist until the day I die.

I do think there's potentially a minor writing hiccup but I'm gonna set things out as best I can from my understanding.

What a lot of people don't pick up on, and what the show tries to convey in episode 5, is that Mark has been a phenomenally shitty boyfriend to Amber. We only see a few brief snippets of him cancelling some dinner plans, but this has been a constant, unfaltering issue for 3 months. 'He's late, he doesn't show, and he always has some shitty excuse.' From Amber's point of view, it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to think she means nothing to him.

But she recognises that the situation is complex, and she cares about him, and she sees that he IS trying, if not enough. So she gives him second chance after second chance. Honestly far longer than she should have done.

But yeah, their relationship is on the ROCKS for a LONG time. But since we see Mark superheroing throughout most of that, we can't put ourselves in her shoes.

So then, flash forward to Upstate U and the reveal. My controversial theory, but the one I think most makes sense in terms of writing, is that Amber didn't know Mark was Invincible until he tells her.

Amber is visibly startled when she sees Mark flying in her room. Granted she would be even if she knew, but it leans more to her not knowing than the contrary.

Amber does not know who Invincible is at Upstate U, and she never refers to him by name in the confrontation: 'I know you're a superhero', 'fly away, flyboy'. If she had known 'weeks beforehand' a cursory google would have been likely. She would be more likely to refer to him by name.

Amber is very intelligent, she's quick-witted, she's an expert at putting up walls as a defence mechanism and she hates being lied to. She would be capable of concealing her surprise, and wouldn't want to lose control in the conversation, but honestly she doesn't have to. Because her reaction seems genuine, even if its less premeditated than she puts on.

Amber goes into that interaction thinking Mark is a liar, a coward, a flake and an asshole. That interaction recontextualises him as a liar, a flake and an asshole. In different ways sure, but the end result is the same. Amber's whole issue is that she doesn't feel valued by Mark, and she's just been told that he was hiding an entire secret life from her because he didn't trust her. Also, Mark is not 'trusting her now': he's using Invincible as a retroactive get out of jail free card for being an asshole for 3-4 months. He frames it in a way that, even if its unintentional on his part, makes her out to be small, and petty, and irrational: 'because im out saving lives or protecting the planet.' It sounds like he's blaming her for being mad at him, and he's SO SURE she'll forgive him everything in that moment. She doesn't want to let him off the hook for being shitty, and Mark's behaviour isn't helping. This is supposed to convey that the way he treated her isn't ok even if he was a superhero, and he shouldn't expect it to be.

And she isn't happy about being angry with him! The scene ends with her looking pensive, conflicted, because the walls she put up in that scene do not reflect her character! She goes back to Mark to make sure he's alright, because she sees his actions in a different light, and bear in mind, at this point, Mark is still viewed by the public as someone who played a pretty substantial role in killing around 50,000 people at a guess. She's not going back to him because he's a hero now. He's public enemy number 2. That is an INCREDIBLE amount of integrity and dedication, traits she's displayed repeatedly throughout the season through her grassroots support of local communities.

William literally says in his pep talk to Mark:

'But you were a shitty boyfriend to Amber and you got what you deserved'. This is Mark's number 1 fan. Laying it out in front of us.

And last, but of course, not least,

Guys she's fucking seventeen cut her some slack jesus christ she's not a calculator

[coldslaws-gear-station]

ive already stated this in my ic posts before but my lore contains multiple dragon clans/villages across regions. mostly because pokemon lore can't really agree on where exactly the village of dragons is (manga says blackthorn, anime says unova with no specific city, games dont even name a region) and while my blogs follow spe lore mostly, dragons are such an important type of pokemon to unova (obviously) that i don't really see why they wouldn't have a dragon clan or village of their own. there's not a ton of lore on it no matter which media source you go to so im kinda assuming it's a sort of religious subsect that believes in honoring dragons (shocker), and while anyone who knows of their existence and follows their values is welcome to join, they can be particular about the people representing them and you can be excommunicated on a whim if you fuck up badly, the same way we see it with alder and ryuki and even iris

now i know what you're thinking. coldslaw how the actual fuck does mx ex terrorist lance get to stay in the clan while 2 children and guy who has never committed terrorism get kicked

for the most part it's a matter of devotion to the dragons. lance, for all their misgivings, is EXTREMELY devoted to dragons. kinda goes without saying. he's basically dragonites #1 ambassador. and while alder absolutely loves dragons as well, we all know that he doesn't have a dragon type as his favorite pokemon. nor is it his favorite type for that matter. lance acted stupidly, but not only was it widely swept under the rug and therefore doesn't reflect badly on the clan, but also there's the whole aforementioned devotion to dragons

alder, meanwhile, was never wholly dedicated to their beliefs. so he's already not entirely important to the clan, and then it comes out that he was getting all cuddled up to ghetsis?

we don't know yet just exactly what ghetsis did to upset them so much. but given ghetsis's history (and future) with dragons, you can probably make your own guesses as to what they came to know or assume about him

and then iris. she wasn't actually entirely excommunicated. her situation's sorta tricky. obviously her dedication to dragons is there, so they didn't want to fully shut her out or anything, but they got sick of her hyperactivity and mischief and instead of trying to find the root cause and supporting her they settled for basically dumping her in the care of the most hardass guy within their community they could think of (drayden) and hoped that would straighten her out

except drayden, already thoroughly in the process of his disillusionment with the clan (since he's dating ALDER), having seen what it's leaders are willing to do to their followers and now bearing witness to this little girl being given up by her family for the crime of being childish (while still in the single digits of age), comes to understand iris and finds himself distancing from the clan and villages as well. "i'll return iris to you in a year's time" becomes two years. three. five. ten. until, completely unspoken, iris's parents disappear from her life and drayden takes full custody. seeing her success and what her championship does for the perception of dragons, the clan yearns for her return and has tried to beckon her and drayden back, but she has no interest even if she does share beliefs with them about the sacredness of dragons

i haven't fully decided whether iris hails from the johtonian clan or the unovan one, but drayden was for sure a part of the unovan one. alder and lance and clair (hi clair this is probably the first and last time ill mention you sorry queen) belong(ed) to the johtonian clan

[sarandipitywrites]

saran's year of writing (2023)

hey y'all! saw a couple posts like this floating around and thought i'd hop on the train, because this year has been WILD for my writing (in a really good way). let's start with the bullet points version and i'll put the details under the cut. here we go:

I JOINED WRITEBLR

shared snippets of my work with other, actual humans!

made friends?!

started (and finished!) draft 2 of Dead Roots, Dark Water

wrote 1 short story for every week in october (that's 5 stories in a month! that's great for me!)

first NaNoWriMo in 10 years (and i finished it!)

drafted and re-drafted The Art of Empty Space

started draft 3 of Dead Roots, Dark Water

details, links to projects, me getting maybe a tad too personal, and those all-important wordcounts under the cut:

I JOINED WRITEBLR

i just realized i only started participating at the beginning of october, but it feels like i've been hanging out with you all the whole year 😅 maybe that means i should cut back a bit? nah...

really though, this year was the year i started taking my writing more seriously (not in a 'gotta get published' kind of way, but in a 'writing makes me happier than anything else and that's enough reason to set aside time and energy for it without feeling hella guilty' kind of way) and seeing you all posting your work and being so positive and encouraging to each other was what helped me get up the nerve to join in. and i can say without a doubt that it's the best choice i've made all year. y'all are such a supportive community and i've never once felt like i was encroaching or didn't belong here (and for me, that's really saying something)

so i guess what i'm getting at is: THANK YOU! i've loved reading your snippets and projects this year, and i'm way more confident in my own than i've ever been 💜 y'all are good peeps

Dead Roots, Dark Water

word count (edited and written): 187,789

that's a lotta words! DRDW is both my longest work wordcount-wise, and the work i've dedicated the most time to... probably ever. and i'm SO happy with it, it's a little concerning (/positive)

DRDW is now on its THIRD draft, and (assuming i don't do a massive re-edit) should be ready to start posting in 2024! *excited screaming* i've never released anything i've written in its entirety (the snippets i've been posting are actually a lot more than i've ever shared before), so this is MASSIVE for me and i'm both excited and terrified! overall, though, it's a very, very good thing

Short Stories

this october, i decided to challenge myself to do several things i don't ever do: write short stories; write them on a timeline; and share them. and i did! i wrote one short story for each week in october, and posted them here. they're far from my best work, and due to the timeline, they never could have been my best, which oddly i think helped make it easier to post them? they were also the first pieces i shared here (or anywhere)! they're not awesome, but i'm proud of them and i'm proud of myself for sharing them

NaNoWriMo and The Art of Empty Space

i've done nano once before, ten years ago. i was in college and had a lot more time then (and a job where i could spend the entire day just writing - i didn't know how good i had it), and even so i remember struggling to reach my word goal. but by the power of writing everything in wingdings so i can't second-guess my word choices, i made it this year! and even though i decided to challenge myself by writing a romance-heavy project (something i've historically avoided because IT'S HARD FOR ME, DAMNIT), i love AES and its characters and that feels fucking awesome.

even though my brain decided to spring a surprise plot restructure on me and now i have to rewrite like half of it. it'll be better for it, though, so it's all good 🥲

What's Next?

my plan for early 2024 is, of course, going to be to work on draft 3 of DRDW with the hope of getting some chapters posted (they are LONG, so i'll probably post to tumblr in chunks and the full, unbroken chapters on Ao3 due to formatting). once that's ready, i'll be able to return my attention to AES and getting draft 1.5 all written up. i've mostly figured out where the plot's going there, so it'll just be writing it up to figure out the gaps. if i'm able to write something for november again next year (which i really hope i will; nano did some great things for AES), it'll probably be one of the other Jak & Daxter fics i have kicking around in my head, because i am Obsessed (and switching it up between working on fanfic and original fic seems to work well for my brain).

i've been not super active here for the last month or so because Real Life Work is kicking my ass, but hopefully that will calm down and i'll be able to do more of what i want: writing wild shit, reading your wild shit, and screaming about it together 💜

good vibes and best wishes to everybody in the new year 🥂

[oiblackestsheep]

Letters to MBTI: ESTJ

Dear ESTJs,

Webster's dictionary defines "realist" as:

Nah, I'm just kidding, I'll get right to the point. I know that's how you Te-doms like to do things, anyway!

If you hadn't already guessed, my definition of a realist is, without a shadow of a doubt, the ESTJ.

I can't help but notice how few ESTJs we see interacting with the online MBTI community, and while it is too bad because I think they can have such useful insights to things, it really is no surprise why.

So, exactly, why is it?

Between dom Te making what feels like all of the practical decisions (for themselves and their own organizations/friend-groups/communities) and aux Si constantly storing and updating their internal database of relevant details to continuously inform their choices going forward, ESTJs really do find themselves at the center of it all!

They are focused on making real and measurable change/impact on the environment around them, and, it's usually well within the reasonable realm of possibility, too, which makes them all the more likely to be successful! This can be professional impacts at work/school, or it can be personal impacts at home/with friends.

Either way, ESTJ knows how to set their own goals, take the appropriate steps to achieve them, then cross the goal off their list in the most satisfying way. Only replace it with a new goal in mind!

All of this to say, there really is such little time to spend on hypothetical musings like MBTI (to an extent) on the internet. And while this has manifested itself in my own life as not having a whole lot of common ground for sharing interests with ESTJs, I have truly come to respect and praise the dedication that ESTJs have to their own craft (similar to how I view the ESFJs, too).

ESTJs, like all of the xSxJs / high-Si users, make the world go round. They keep us on track from day-to-day. Whether it be heading up the group project at school, keeping employees/co-workers on track throughout the work week, or simply navigating all of the necessary logistics that inherently come with a big day out with your friends, the ESTJs are on top of it, and they do it well and with pride.

Especially in social situations, they can be the unsung hero because it's often that having all of the boring logistics satisfied and taken care of that allows everyone else to have fun. Nobody has fun when the social circle gets to the event late, doesn't have enough food or money, or forgot their tickets. Who makes sure that doesn't happen? The ESTJ, that's who.

So give thanks to your local ESTJ. They work hard to make sure everything goes smoothly because it satisfies them, but also because, deep down, they care that everyone else has everything they need to be their most effective self.

[mosspapi]

hai ok prefacing this by saying i know ur not a medical doctor butttt im just getting community input i guess so i have some form of motor/vocal tics and like. idk i definitely wouldnt say it's a CONSCIOUS decision for me to tic (like jerking my arm or whatever) but i feel it impending... like i know im going to tic within the next second or wutever. or there's like this looming energy that i will tic.

im wondering if im gaslighting myself into thinking that it's not conscious decision when it actually is, if that makes sense. like if i am subconsciously deciding to jerk my arm. i wonder that then i'll hold a skewer and accidentally stab myself with it without realizing until it happened lol like... input pretty please? i guess what i want you to answer is if you know of some factor that will let yourself know whether or not you're ticcing on purpose. or something like that. pretty please. this has been going on for 3 years but it stopped happening for over half a year and there's been breaks in between, does this sound like tourettes to you? it's just so confusing cuz i have no reason to tic, it's genuinely so annoying

dont answer anything ur not comfortable with of course, im just kinda at a loss and i'll ask my parents to go to a neurologist or something soon. thank you so much by the way

Hello anon! No worries, ur all good. And that's definitely a very common thing with Tourette's as far as I'm aware- like for me it won't be every tic, but I can definitely tell when it's gonna happen for a lot of them. I've even been thru a whole branch of therapy dedicated to helping notice those warning signs and being able to counteract the tic if it's smth hurtful/dangerous (like I had one that was punching myself in the head which. Isn't ideal lmao. So we spent a few weeks finding out how it felt to do the tic, where it came from, how I noticed it, etc, and developing an "inverse" action to do instead so it wouldn't happen as much, such as stretching my arm if the tic felt like tension, if that makes sense).

It's also very common that thinking about a tic will make you tic when you have Tourette's, so if that's part of what's worrying you (IE "oh I'm just faking it/doing it on purpose without realizing because I do it when someone mentions it"), that's ironically a sign that it's Not fake lmao

And Tourette's does sort of come and go, there will be "better" times and "worse" times- I don't know for how long it's considered normal to be "better", so I can't say whether 6+ months of Nothing would make it not Tourette's, but it very well still could be, or at least some other tic disorder.

I would definitely recommend trying to see a professional abt it since there are potentially other causes for tics that aren't Tourette's, but at least from my personal experience it does very well sound like that's what it could be. Hopefully it all goes smoothly for u! And hopefully this all made sense lol, I'm a little tired atm so if anything is incoherent just lmk and I'll try again /g

[oneclickangel]

journey: INTERNET OVERDOSE.

yeah yeah shameless song reference in the title but hey it fits my acc's theme

if you can't guess it yet, in this one i'll be talking about my relationship with the internet. of course, i still mostly am on the internet, or at least on my pc and phone, but i'm doing a whole lot better than i did a few years back lol

anyways sit back bc this is gonna be a long one.

i've always had a fascination with modern gadgets, considering i grew up with gaming consoles and a dad who's a computer science graduate.

but i never used these gadgets to actually engage with the wide community on the internet - it was mostly for playing video games, to nobody's surprise. not that i was old enough to really understand anything that's being said on the net; then again, even toddlers are being let on to social media these days.

it truly started when i was around 11. though technically it doesn't classify as a social medium, i remember being on quizup. it was there where i had my first real taste of online social interaction - it's just that it wasn't too memorable so i buried it in the depths of my mind. what came after is much more interesting (despite the sudden onslaught of... graphic pictures of the popstar that clogged the taylor swift quiz community section at one point, but i digress).

it was there where i discovered about amino - a friend of mine there shared a screenshot of what seemed to be a community dedicated to blogging exclusively about taylor swift (i was a swiftie okay you don't have to rub it in) and curious, i asked them what it was. they told me it's an app called amino and you can join any community within the app. for whatever reason, that dragged me in.

i installed amino. i joined my first ever community - the swifties community (or as we call it, swifties amino). while amino is notorious for its roleplaying community, i participated in none of that (i would argue that there is nothing roleplay about in a community about the worldwide popstar taylor swift but terminally online people are well... creative enough to come up with anything). if anything, i think i barely chatted with any of the people in that community. i mostly did my own thing, which is lurking. the only thing i remember posting was fan-made gifs of the song "out of the woods".

no, what really started my chronically online phase was none other than the sims amino. and here's the funny part - i wasn't even a massive sims fan at the time. my only exposure to it is playing the sims freeplay and the sims 2 on my old psp. but since the app was still new (or at least, the main app - there were always the standalone aminos that were their own apps, including a sims amino app i believe), it was one of the only aminos available at the time that didn't really intimidate me. so i joined, for whatever reason.

it was a small community. almost everyone was new. i remember using basic gif filters to edit pics of sims was mind-blowing back then. most people actually play the sims 4, which was new (and paid; expensive at that) at the time, and it made me jealous - i only had a mobile game and an old game to speak for. and that year, i actually begged my mom to buy me a copy of the game. once i got good grades for an exam that year, i got my copy i ordered online which was, funnily enough, the first instance of online shopping i did that i can recount. (fun fact: i also got the get together expansion pack but i don't remember if that was the same year or not)

i wanted to be like everyone else, posting their sims with a pretty gradient background. i read blogs on how to edit. i wrote my own nonsensical, corny stories that i keep cancelling because i couldn't commit. there was a point where i'd post everyday. a point where i put my deepest, darkest thoughts into an amino post because i thought it'd be entertaining. honestly, it would've been simple if it was just that.

but there was a desire for approval.

if you didn't know, aminos have this section called the "feature page" and upon entering an amino, you're instantly greeted with this section. mods can pick certain posts they think are feature-worthy and put them there. we called it "featuring" posts. it's supposed to bring attention to these posts that deserve more attention. i can't remember the first time i got featured but by god was it exhilarating.

logging in and seeing my post, sometimes at the top if it was still newly featured, was like being fed food after not having eaten for a week. i didn't know i was so starving for attention until that moment. or maybe i never craved it - that amino only sparked that need, that thirst.

i remember i would feel particularly down if a post of mine (that i think deserves to be featured) was ignored and only got 20 likes instead of 300. it's funny to think about that now because nowadays, from what i've check briefly on the web, even featured posts get only 12 likes at best. it's eerie to see an amino in such a state. it's like a graveyard.

it kind of give me the image of what it would be like if we actually destroyed the internet.

this is also where i found my first ever friend group. i remember all their (user)names still. back then, i had a tendency to "fictionalize" the people i knew, including myself. i remember making sims that "represented" us. they were even color-coded, with mine being red because that was my favorite color at the time. i've also fictionalized friends outside that group. wrote a fictional story including us living fictional lives, loving fictional men i created, even straight-up putting these characters in situations that should've made my friends uncomfortable. but they never said anything about it. i was lucky. but also not.

one of the members of this friend group actually inspired me to start writing because they were a writer themselves. and after time, they decided to make an amino of their own, exclusively for writing. all four of us joined and some others - including my very own biological sister. i still think of that place as a safe haven; it's a small place with mostly familiar faces and i can write anything i want with little to no judgement.

eventually we all started leaving amino. or at least, they did. i always had trouble moving on when it came to friends leaving, for whatever reason. but perhaps it's because i always had a small glimmer of hope inside of me that told me "but what if they come back?" and that i have to be there when they come back. but they never did.

i was feeling dejected by then. i tried searching for another amino to belong in. fortunately, around the same time, i've been joining my sister in on her danganronpa marathon so i've taken a liking to the franchise. and so that meant i was more than eligible to join danganronpa amino.

i joined. everything happened in a blur - yet it feels like i could remember it all crystal clear too. i remember posting my first ever fanfic there. i don't remember what my first post was. i remembered what was probably could only be described as falling platonically in love with your best friend. i don't remember if i had breakdowns there or not. i remember fictionalizing people and them enabling it yet again. i don't remember what i said to make people even like me.

i remember being ghosted by the girl i loved.

and i remember it cutting deep.

after all the posts i wrote about her, for her, after messaging her "i love you" everyday even after she left, after everything.

i held on. just in case she came back. but she never did. they never do.

i couldn't read any instances of her name for a while after that. being there made me yearn for all the good times again and finally, after a while of holding on to that little glimmer of hope, somehow, i left.

either i was already a part of it or until after i left danganronpa amino did i join bandori amino. i had little to no negative experiences here - if anything, i was the negative experience. i had a deep hatred for this one character back then and for whatever reason, i often had to make it known to others. but otherwise, all i really did was post edit sets, post blogs explaining why i love the characters i love and sell reroll accounts (and no the price is not real money. it's amino coins). there was a point where i did lose my game account to a scammer posing as an account farmer though.

but things really went down once i joined a3! amino, a bit after i joined bandori amino. i simply wanted to be surrounded by people who enjoys the same game i do but boy oh boy did i get more than i bargained for.

don't get me wrong. a3! amino is still a memorable place for me and i have friends and family i made through it that i am still connected and close with to this day. but to say that it was all positive would be a lie.

underneath the facade of a welcoming community, i could see fights breaking out and users making fun of each other behind each other's backs. i thought i wouldn't ever be a part of all that but well, life is unpredictable, isn't it?

i had these 3 friends. 2 of them were adults, 1 around my age. these adults does not get along with the 1 kid - and honestly, i do not blame them because this kid is insufferable and i was just too naive to really accept it earlier. that i was just friends with her because i pitied her.

one of the adults told me to tell this kid that she has problems, blah blah blah, whatever. i told my friend to get her shit together and solve her own problems and not drag me into it. well, guess what? i got dragged into it. she got mad at me instead, telling me i shouldn't listen to my other friend.

it's to the point where i would feel uncomfortable interacting with any of them. i didn't know what to do. and i don't remember what the resolution was anyway. i only remember how the whole situation made me stressed out like never before. i simply wanted everyone to get along. it seemed so easy before.

another minor dilemma i experienced was when i joined this entertainment team. and though that was where i met my younger sibling and close friend, it was also where my inferiority complex grew. everyone in the team was an artist - except for me. i was the only writer accepted, for whatever reason. though i am honored, at some point, it just made me feel small.

we published a new edition of our magazine, which was in the form of a post. everyone's submissions were amazing - and to close it all off, my fanfic was featured at the very bottom. i had hoped it would make people happy - and now i have no doubt but it must've - but one comment, though innocuous, i took to heart. the user praised all the art featured in the post,

but did not comment on my writing.

i thought that my work is not worth reading. not worth consuming. not worth experiencing, just because you can't just take it in by simply looking. and knowing me, i'm known for how quickly i lose motivation. that one comment was enough to bring me down. i brought it up with my other teammates and they sympathized with me, but eventually i had to leave due to my lack of motivation and, again, inability to commit to anything.

i left both the team and amino altogether. i couldn't take what this app was doing to me anymore. i needed a new start. and somehow, somehow, past me thought twitter was a good idea. most likely because some of my friends were already on twitter by then.

i moved. i made an account. behaved like any other twitter user would - with delusion. eventually, i made two accounts. then 3. then many more. there was my public account, my private, a writing account, a gimmick account, roleplaying accounts (ironic how i got into roleplaying after leaving amino), bot accounts, the works. i was still desperate for attention, for approval, for acceptance still.

again, just like amino, i've had positive experiences with twitter; as amusing as it is, i've met most of my current friends through twitter, through the many, many accounts i made. i fondly remember how a friend of mine messaged a roleplaying account i ran and told me that i'm doing such a great job and how they really appreciate me. i didn't think my actions held so much meaning and significance to someone. and to think there might be more out there who holds the same regards but are not bold enough to tell me.

i've had my dark moments of course. who hasn't impulsively, secretly deactivated when they were feeling like garbage to see if people would notice if they're gone or not? it did work once for me so it's not completely foolproof; but it is also, obviously, unhealthy. it's done nothing but feed into my delusion that nobody cared about me when, really, they do but they need to care about themselves - or even someone else who needs it more - at that time.

i've felt isolated too. it seemed like everyone was good at something, or at least part of a majority, except for me. it was like secondary school all over again. i remember being one of the only men in the self-shipping community and even then, i didn't self-ship romantically and/or sexually so it basically meant nothing. i was nothing.

then came the thing that pushed me to the edge.

it was an innocent tweet. out of curiosity, i was simply asking fellow aroaces at the time if they mind being in a non-platonic relationship. suddenly, a mutual of mine came into my replies with a screenshot taken from my rentry. the screenshot read "i don't think all the bandori girls are lesbians". the caption read "now what is this".

i didn't think much of it at first. it's unrelated to what i was asking and besides, shouldn't have they known that when they checked my rentry before they followed me? it barely took a few minutes for people to come and attack me for it though. first it was just 2 people. then 3. then suddenly hundreds were quote-retweeting me with nasty comments and even some death threats. only 2 of my friends defended me. only a gimmick account i liked was respectful to me.

i laugh at the incident now but at that time, i felt myself break. when i hugged myself, i could hear cracks. i asked myself if i should listen to those death threats after all. maybe they'll be satisfied if such a terrible person like me, who dares misrepresent some anime girls, died at their hands.

i held on, for the sole reason that national exams were nearing and that it's a bad decision to let a bunch of stupid terminally online maggots decide whether i live or die because of fictional girls. but it still affected me greatly. i went private.

one day, i was having it particularly bad. i remember that evening vividly: i forgot i accidentally released one of my cats and i had no idea where she went. she's been out since morning and hasn't come back for a few hours now. i start crying while studying, feeling guilty for not just her but everything. i never seemed to be able to do anything right. i called myself a cursed child, that i'm nothing but a burden and an abomination.

i deactivated, thinking it's just one of those times.

i cried, until the cat showed up at my door eventually. i felt relieved by then, that maybe im not such a failure after all. i debated reactivating now that i felt better but i thought that i could probably focus on studying better if i didn't. so i didn't.

the days i went on without twitter were the most liberating and peaceful days i had. nothing else was on my mind other than studying. i'd study while listening to my favorite albums, with a tinge of curiosity as to what's happening on twitter at the time. but i persisted.

eventually, i came back - but only to announce that i'm quitting twitter and make sure my friends know how to keep in contact with me. it only lasted a few days.

then i deactivated.

permanently.

it felt like a huge burden's been lifted off my shoulders. to this day, i haven't attempted to make a new account at all, even though i had the urges. but i'm proud to say i've been clean of twitter for a year and a few months now.

fast-forward to the present day, i am now on tumblr again and it's a peaceful alternative. plus, i'm not on here all the time like i was with twitter. it's just easier to search for content here, what with the tags and all. and it's the only social media i need.

people can say that i'm missing out for not having instagram or tiktok all they want. i'm comfortable where i am right now.

plus, maybe they haven't overdosed like i have just yet.

crazy to think ive been on the internet for like what 7 years now? but it was my only safe space for a while (and still is to some extent) so i dont blame past me

tomorrow will be the last day i post something for this miniseries. i already have a draft in the works so stay tuned~