#so I didn’t know who dnp were. because I didn’t have enough internet to watch YouTube 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[deadandphilgames]

Your first social media being Google plus is so funny to me you might be the only person who ever used Google plus

tell that to the person who reblogged it from me and said Google plus was also their first social media 😭 the reason was googleplus just came with my google account and my parents didn’t let me have mainstream social media until i was 16 so i was working with what i had

[philsmeatylegss]

please yap about dip and pip's relationship with pj, I want to know more

FUCKING YESS!!! WHOO HOO!! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY!!!

Okay so I haven’t brushed up on my PJ lore in a while, so correct me if any of this is wrong, but I’m sticking with the basics.

What gets me about their friendship is that they’ve been through it all together. Once again, correct me if I’m wrong, but him and Phil were friends before Dan started making videos, correct? It could’ve been after. Point is, he was there pre youtube era, bat shit insane era, and out era. And there’s proof they’ve stayed close through it all. I cannot imagine the pressure of maintaining a normal friendship under the circumstances they were under. I will fully admit myself I am one curious mf first thing I would ask is if they were together. And to have a bunch of 13 year olds yelling at you to do so, I can’t imagine just seeing all of that and then casually heading out to see a movie or get dinner.

I have a head cannon which I feel like I have enough reason to treat it like cannon and that’s that dnp only were close to YouTubers who didn’t care about their sexuality/relationship. You had to be there, but the 2014 british youtuber boom, dnp were making collabs with people who just were so different and it showed. And I don’t think people will understand if they weren’t there how big of a thing “phan” was. They were described usually something along the lines of “those friends with the matching hair that fans think are together.” So when you mix personalities that, to no one’s fault, just don’t blend, mix it with the pressure of five million thirteen year olds, and mix it with people who one has a lot wrong with them, that’s a really bad mixture to set up a friendship. I believe other than Louise and PJ, who dnp knew before hand (pretty sure louise, might have been at the start of their career), tyler oakley and Anthony seem to be the only creators they seemed comfortable around. I forgot why I started talking about this. Oh, the conditions in which friendship had to stand under.

I truly don’t know how to explain how insane the phandom used to be. And how widespread. As someone approaching the age they were when they started to blow up, I am amazed they didn’t leave the internet.

This whole long rant is to say that it was overwhelming to even be in the vicinity of dnp. The amount of pressure is something I truly cannot describe. And it’s hard to explain if you weren’t there, but I cannot imagine an outsider maintaining a relationship with the two of them with the pressures both within the relegation ship and outside. Because let’s also not forget Dan’s mental health and trauma was triggered every time a “phan is real” comment happened. It was truly such a chaotic time and I think the reason they didn’t have a lot of friends was because they couldn’t.

So it’s just that it must have been so fucking hard. And they must have a very close bond to have survived what their friendship endured. It was such a unique scenario to be pulled into and deciding to come along for the ride is something I find so admirable.

I also think PJ has been a part of their journey with sexuality and how public they were about being together. From what we know, Phil and PJ filmed together back when it was just millennials. To as recent as filming April Fool’s. That experience of watching that dynamic rise and fall and having to just follow and work with must’ve been crazy

If you look at a lot of the credits in dnp’s more professional videos, PJ is often in the credit and often has a big role. Really, it’s mostly the same people who dip and pip work with which gets me the most. It’s obvious they feel comfortable and genuine around him. We’ve seen behind the scenes how they discuss ideas. It’s just very relaxed, which is something dip and pip were deprived of as soon as they started blowing up. Everything had to be planned and thought through. And I think having an old friend who they were likely open to about their relationship and sexuality probably kept them sane. I do believe they are a lot closer than they put forward online and good for them. I think that’s why they’ve stayed friends for so long.

A lot of this is pure speculation. But it must be so cool to have watched your close friend go through the journey pip did, all the while being with someone he loved. But also helping them through it and helping them express themselves within their own boundaries.

That’s what I was yapping about at the start. I think the few YouTubers dip and pip remained close to Anthony, Louise, and Tyler, is because they seemed to like dan and phil because they liked dan and phil. There was no ulterior motive and they genuinely didn’t give a shit their relationship or what fans said. If I were dnp, I would have become very guarded with my emotions. But, at least from what we’ve seen, they seem very comfortable with Pj and his gf I forget her name but she’s so pretty.

When I think of friendship I think of what Peej has with dip and pip. There was so much obvious discomfort for so many years and being able to adapt to that is something special. Balancing public versus private. And just having such long history together. Once again, I’m not up to date on my lore, but I’m pretty sure Phil and Pj knew each other before Phil knew Dan. Or at least it was very close. Like they have been friends from the start. Pj was there for every stage. Every stage. And having a friend who remained neutral during it all probably really helped dip and pip not go nuts.

I truly cannot put into words how out of control the phandom was. Like I don’t even know how to phrase it. It was such a unique phenomena that I have never seen anything even close since. So it’s hard to really get across what it meant sticking with dip and pip during the height of their career, but it must have been so fucking hard on all sides.

And to just see after that chaos that they are still close, that they still film together, that they just hang out,,, I just find that very neat. And admirable. And I’m so curious to know more about it.

I’m not rereading any of this so enjoy the typos

[lovestillaround]

Thoughts about Phil’s last video (Draw My Life: Part 2)

So, it’s been two days and I still have trouble processing all the information from Phil’s newest video - that’s why I’m writing my thoughts down, hoping that it will give me more inner peace. Disclaimer: following text includes critique of the video, so if you’re sensitive to that kind of stuff/ not in the mood for hearing my negative opinions, please proceed with caution or stop reading. Love ya <3

So, Phil starts the video saying that he’s aware that we know what’s been mostly going on in his life during the last six years and that he’s gonna share with us all the behind the scenes facts. And that on itself is fine, but oh boy, nothing would prepare me for the amount of negativity that I was going to endure (and no, I’m not talking about the subjects of death and illness). I said it to my friend and I still stand by that opinion - the video was for me more like “20 minutes of complaining about/listing every bad thing that happened in my life” than actual “draw my life”. And well, obviously Phil has the right to reflect on his life in whatever way he wants, but as I was watching the video, I couldn’t help getting more and more frustrated with his lack of awareness, especially regarding the massive privilege that he has and has always had. (Also, I’m not trying to call him out for being rich and being able to afford things that I can’t afford - that’s not at all what this is about, it’s about the attitude and the way he chose to speak about those things).

While I do think that the video was full of lovely and cute moments, I’m going to focus mainly on what I found annoying or upsetting, just to keep it (relatively) short. So, I was talking about how in my opinion the video was filled with negativity. You might ask - where is it, Daria? Or more importantly - why is it bad? The response to the video is (at least from what I saw) overwhelmingly positive. Well, I’ll try to explain how I see it.

The video literally starts with Phil saying that London was (is?) 5x more expensive than Manchester, and that if their career in London didn’t work out, they would have had to move back to their parents. I have enough compassion to understand that it must have been hard for them to feel insecure about their finances (I know this feeling damn too well) - but I also think that people should, idk, be generally aware that their actions have consequences? They took a risk, and it was hard to live in uncertainty - I get that - but people having to live with their parents is a reality for so many people! So many young people don’t even get a chance to start an independent life, for various reasons. And I’m not saying that he doesn’t have the right to talk about his struggles - just for me, in the light of the rest of the video that is played on a similar note, it becomes clear that Phil isn’t aware of how much luck he’s had in life and how he has already started his life from a much better position than - can I say that? - probably the majority of people. So for me, what lacks in the video is, idk, maybe just one instance where he acknowledges his privilege? Or just generally him using a different language while talking about his experience, choosing his words more carefully, but I’ll get to that later.

The negativity continues when Phil talks about how he could not work out how to operate the radio control panel, how it was a bad decision to say yes to everything (although I admit, this one is just Phil acknowledging sth that he has learned over the years, which isn’t really negative but let’s still keep it on the list of bad things), anxiety, lack of sleep, stress, juggling responsibilities, people that they used to work with getting more from dnp than dnp did from them, dnp doing things out of obligation, not being able to fully create things how they wanted to, people being cynical about youtubers doing projects/not understanding youtube and media’s negative reactions, loads of office work, risking all their life savings to go on tour, heteronormativity of the interviewers, lots of work related to creating gaming channel videos, overworking themselves during gamingmas, frustration with people not realising how much work happens behind the scenes, people cancelling projects, losing money because of Manila. 

On the other hand, the positives that Phil talked about were getting job at the radio, getting 1 million subs, interviewing people being a cool thing, everything about his relationship with family was very positive, getting a new team of people to work with and dropping some responsibilities like the radio show, success of the books and tours and games they created, creative freedom, positive relationship with his audience, improvement of the press over the years and people in traditional businesses becoming aware of what youtube is, creating and expanding irl merch, having fun on tour. 

Then comes the moment when I got genuinely quite confused, aka the moment when Phil talks about not having a life. Like.... really? He has every right to feel what he feels but honestly, not that many people would count themselves lucky enough to be in a long term relationship, having a loving family, four friends that want to hang out with them, going out to dinner dates and cinemas on the regular, regularly going on vacations, being able to take private yoga or boxing lessons etc. 

When I heard him saying “and I didn’t do any normal stuff people do, like getting a house or a dog”, that’s the point when I’ve lost all my hope. Like, I’m sorry Phil, but are you really gonna complain about not having time to get a house because of the life choices that you’ve made? Just… think about it. I’m not an expert on the standard of life in the UK but I personally can think of exactly zero people that I know who bought a house in their 20s. And I have to say, it’s upsetting that he seems to be so detached from what is the reality for many many people. 

Sharing personal stuff on the internet requires courage and I don’t want to be the one who takes all this knowledge and uses it against him. But I’m genuinely upset with the way he handled things this time. As I was watching the video for the first time, at the end of it all I could think was - wow, you’re really that entitled, aren’t you?

And it makes me sad, because I see two possible reasons for him being like that:

a) He is not in the best place mentally, so that he can only really focus rn on the negative aspects of his life, regretting his past choices, being disappointed in how his personal life looks like. This could be supported the fact that for basically any major thing that happened in his life he decided to share with us and elaborate mostly the negative details attached to it, rarely the positive ones (see the list of positive and negative things that I included above). 

b) He is completely unaware of what’s the average threshold for a “good quality life”, and he’s not aware of his own privilege. 

To elaborate a bit more on the point b): one could see Phil’s video as maybe a reminder that everything comes with a prize and that even though a youtuber’s life might seem super easy, there’s still a lot of stress and work involved that we just don’t see. But… I’ve been aware of that. Nobody’s life is one-dimensional, and everyone has struggles. And of course they have to edit their videos and do the business stuff. But when Phil says how he sometimes wishes people were aware of his personal struggles, I can only think that this is the reality for many many people, not only celebrities on the internet. Idk, maybe I just wasn’t the target of this whole segment in the first place, but for me it sounds borderline patronising, and again, entitled, because as I mentioned, everyone has their own struggles.

But for me, Phil doesn’t seem to be aware that he was only able to make some of the life choices that he’s made because he already had a good start in life in the first place. He’s always had a safety net in form of his parents, so he could make a choice of risking everything and moving to London for example. And yes, coming back home and asking his parents for money could have been embarrassing for him and emotionally hard, but so many people could not take such risk, or any risk, in general! Because they have families that they need to take care of. Because they have not enough money to move to an expensive city, no matter the circumstances. Because they have no one left who would help them financially if something went wrong. And so many other reasons!

On one hand, I can empathise with his frustration. I know how it is to work my ass off just to be able to go to uni, while many people that I know get money from their parents, go to a couple of lectures and then party/do nothing really. And then having other people thinking that everything is easy for me because idk I’ve always had good grades so according to them I don’t need to work as hard. Is it frustrating? Yeah. It’s hard to be misunderstood, or having your work belittled. But I would never blame other people for not being aware of how much work comes with the lifestyle that I’ve chosen. And I’m aware that dnp were working their asses off to create good things for us, but also, obviously, they were hoping to make financial profit out of it. It might sound awful but they did not have to do most of those things. In many instances, they totally did not have to overwork themselves, because it was not like they were making money to survive, they were making money just to make more money, basically. Nothing evil in wanting to make money but honestly Phil, most people work super hard, and they don’t get millions for it. While I do acknowledge that they’ve been working hard, and that a part of their audience might have not been aware of that, I think that complaining about that seems quite… inconsiderate? Complaining about the lack of private life seems inconsiderate too, especially because most people aren’t privileged enough to just decide to put their work aside and focus on their private life whenever they want. Many people I know are overworking themselves too, simply because they don’t have another choice. 

So, I’m quite upset. I don’t know what my point is. It seems to me like in that video Phil comes from a place of deep frustration, and well, I’m frustrated too. Fair game, I guess?

I want them to have a good life. I want them to do whatever the hell they need to do in order to be happy, I want them to get a goddamn dog and a house. But I also hope they’ll continue to grow, and that maybe next time Phil will be more considerate, and more careful with words.

[wiccamoody]

on internet friends, vidcon, and being brave

I’ve been in fandom for over 10 years now. Despite that, I never really talked to anyone until the phandom. I made one friend in 2015 who doesn’t even watch them anymore lol and I can’t remember the last time we actually talked. But when I jumped back in ready to talk and write in late 2017 I decided maybe I’d let myself socialize or let people in. Which I did, in my own awkward way, and I’d say I now have a lot of really fucking phenomenal people in my life. 

Flash to last thursday when I got to meet three of these people who I’ve grown really close to (and on friday a fourth!!) and I immediately knew there was no going back. (For those curious or who don’t know I met @nihilismdan, @ataraxia-25, @kay-okays, and Lucy). No going back in that I spent 4 whole days with them (2 with Kay!!) and I’ve never felt so comfortable and like, accepted immediately. Of course I got to know them over the last year and a bit, but meeting irl actually does bring that to life, and it’s fucking surreal to meet people and hang out with them and just feel so together and comfortable. The beginning was awkward for me; I’m awkward, I have RBF, anxiety etc., but once it faded away it was so amazing. Amazing to wake up and know that they’re a maximum of 20 mins away on foot, to be able to spend the day together and use our single brain cell to get around and laugh almost until we pee at stupid shit. It’s so fucking comfortable you just get used to it (I would liken it to the way a lot of people felt about ii and the content stream we got then, and in the same way the hiatus hit people hard). When it all ends and you go back to real life and you don’t have those moments to look forward to everything just feels numb. Distance is hard. Goodbyes are hard. Not knowing when you’re going to physically be around each other again is hard. Skype and facetime and all that stuff exist but fuck, I started crying in LAX because I honestly had the best weekend of my life. There’s no awkwardness when you’re already friends with someone, no weird phase where you don’t know if they actually like you or not because they already know you and would have stopped talking to you ages ago if they didn’t. And idk, I’ve spent the last 5 years (and really, my entire time being in fandom) trying my best to quash my excitement, to tone it down and shut up in my “real” life because no one cares as much as I do, and I know they don’t really want to hear it. But to have that stuff in common and to have people on the same level of intensity as you, while still ofc talking about other parts of your life because that’s what friends are there for, it’s fucking amazing. As an introvert with anxiety it’s so ideal for me, so saying goodbye to these wonderful people in my life just hurts so much. It’s hard to process. I think we’ll absolutely meet again, it’s just the not knowing when that kills me. And having to go back to real life where things kind of suck (at least on my end) is like a slap in the face. It takes some getting used to again, but I guess the pain is worth the memories I have. 

Onto vidcon itself, I wanted to do a little recap. I kind of did that during my trip and to some people in DMs, but overall as someone who’s wanted to go since year 2 or 3, finally being able to do it was amazing. I have some complaints and things I’m actually really angry about, but to keep positive, for my first con ever I’m glad this one came into my life in the last minute way it did. I got to have the experiences baby me wanted, and I got to give me at 15 some closure to how she was when all this phandom stuff was thrown at her. Being able to meet queen Natalie Wynn was fucking amazing. She’s so stunning and I’m so GAY and she’s a literal icon. It was so lovely to talk to her and get a photo, I’m still shook I was in her presence at all! Meeting Dan and Phil was amazing and terrifying. I froze up, embarrassingly, and didn’t say anything I wanted to say to them. I just wanted to tell them how much they mean to me but I wasn’t able to. Which is fine. I’m trying to not beat myself up over it because I got to see them and hug them and smell them (don’t fucking come for me okay, they smell like warm men and it’s NICE OKAY) and everything that came right before and after with my friends was hilarious and perfect and wonderful. Not to mention, like 30 mins later I met Martyn and Cornelia, which tbh god fucking tier, who cares about dnp when mnc are there?? They were easy to talk to and lovely so we talked for like 3-5 mins and I’m happy we met them. And some other stuff happened at the IRL merch booth that I will never forget jaskljdlak. It was an Experience. tbh I’m still processing the entire day of Saturday lol. But it was good. A lot, but good. 

I want to go to more cons. So many more, and with friends like or who are the ones I had with me. I’m so fucking grateful and amazed this was the con to kickstart me actually going to them because it was truly the best weekend of my life. 

And going to Universal Studios in Hollywood with Julie on Sunday (especially since she didn’t know if she could come or not, and we had already said goodbye) was the cherry on top of everything. Harry Potter was my first fandom. It was the first thing to really make me feel seen, to give me an escape and a safe place to go and be myself. It was so full circle for me to go there, and I’m glad I went with someone who I love a lot. It was an amazing experience, and I could write a whole ass essay about it. I’m glad I went, and kind of in shock that it all happened really. 

As for bravery, I’m a total wuss. I’m nerdy and shy and introverted and my anxiety always gets the best of me. I’ve never flown internationally, and had only been to the States once before, and it was with my best friend and her parents. I hadn’t been on a plane in almost a decade. I was so out of my element but I really told myself to fuck off, dug into my student loans bc ya girl is broke as shit, and got myself to LA, then Anaheim, then to meet the wonderful people I did and survive the whole thing with my only panic attack the entire trip being related to meeting Dan and Phil (so like, it was expected). I’m proud of myself. When I started watching Dan and Phil I was 15, depressed without knowing it, and lost and trying to find a place to fit in. I owe it to my best friend for literally forcing me to watch them because I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her or them. I figured out my queerness, survived my worst days, am getting help, and now as a 20 year old who grew up thinking she would be trapped in the seeming hell that my life was sometimes (and still is I guess) I was brave and I’m proud of that. Idk if anyone is still reading this, but if feeling lost and stuck and scared but wanting so fucking bad to do the thing they want to do, no matter how big or small, resonates with anyone, I encourage you to do it. I believe in you, and I know you can. I never in a million years thought my life would have the last 4 days in it but it does now, and I’m grateful I was brave enough to take that leap. 

[myownprivatcidaho]

So I wanted to make a post like this after Dan’s video, but after Phil’s, I decided that I Absolutely Should.

When I first started watching Dan and Phil, it was the end of 2015 which was Right before I hit a rough “patch” that would last for 3 years. I won’t go into detail but I will say that I would consider it to be the darkest point in my life. When I finally started seeing a therapist, one of the first coping skills that I’d identified was watching Dan and Phil. My therapist went along with it but my religious parents Despised it for many reasons. One of them being that they thought Dan and Phil were gay. I remember being excited about this new fun interest that I had, these funny YouTubers that I really enjoyed watching. And one of the first, if not the Very first questions they’d ask would always be “Are they gay?” Always asked in That tone. I don’t know how to describe it, but if you know how it sounds, then I’m so sorry.

This, along with being a rough point, was also when I started discovering my sexuality. For all it’s faults, in some very few ways, I’m grateful for tumblr. I started this site when I was 11 (which I absolutely Shouldn’t have, don’t get me wrong) but growing up in a southern state, I was taught to believe that being lgbt was wrong. Me and my siblings, not knowing better, would refer to gay people that we’d see as “upside down” or “messed up” and my parents never stopped us or told us off.

So coming on this website was kind of a culture shock, and in spite of overall Not Being Safe, Healthy, or Good, it was the one thing that I had that made me actually start to think “maybe being lgbt isn’t a bad thing,” and I’m so grateful that I was on here before Puberty™ kicked in and the hormones came flooding because I Genuinely don’t know how I would have handled that attraction.

So when I started watching Dan and Phil, I was starting to become more sure of my sexuality. And even though they didn’t speak too much about lgbt issues at the time, their videos always made my day. They never joked about anything that I’d been raised to feel ashamed of, and that did so much for me. My parents had started catching on and getting “suspicious” of my sexuality, but Dan and Phil just providing that Space with that aura of acceptance did so much for my mental health and really got me through a whole lot.

I don’t stan anymore or follow their socials any more (for various reasons, none of them reflecting on dnp) but I’m so happy to see them feel this Safe and Comfortable enough to keep providing that safe space. I know that I’m not the only person who’s needed a safe space and there are people out there to this day who need them, and seeing these two being brave enough to provide this safe, fun space for people to feel accepted, even if it’s just on the internet, is so, so wonderful.

Thank you for everything @danielhowell @amazingphil <3

[freckliedan]

can you describe the first time u saw the vday vid?

oof. yeah b, i can- i'm not sure what level of detail u were looking for with this ask but i might have both more and less than you were hoping for? i have a very weirdly strong memory for things that have happened in my life - less so for things that happened during 10th grade & half of 11th grade bc i was dissociating so hard then - but my memories go back into first person around halfway thru 11th grade, which is when i found dnp, so. i remember watching the vday vid for the first time pretty damn well. 

(under the cut because i do not know how to not make essays)

i was 16, it was late november/early december of 2012, and i'd first watched a dnp vid in mid/early november. less than a month after the vday leak. so. it was just over six years ago and it was late at night and i was on my computer after i was supposed to be asleep, i’m sure of that. it was dark out; nighttime during alaska winters is something that’s hard to describe to people who haven’t experienced it before. it’s an omnipresent lack of light. 

so it was nighttime and i was almost certainly the last person awake in my house. my mom and sister always were asleep before me, and my parents had separated the summer before my 10th grade year so it was just the three of us at home. i would’ve been in the bedroom i’d had since i was seven. 

(replying to this ask feels weird, because even though i moved out when i was 18, i moved back in with my dad almost two years ago now and my bed is in the exact same place in the exact same room as it was when i was in highschool? it doesn’t feel the same as it did then, everything is better than it was when i was younger, but it’s still so weird to be revisiting this so many years later). 

my bedframe had drawers and storage built in, and i would tuck my computer away in the second drawer down and pull it out once everyone else was asleep so i could go back on the internet. i definitely did that, the night i saw the vday vid. i didn’t have a tumblr yet, then; i just would regularly check a handful of people’s blogs (the only person whose blog i remember looking at specifically is @thelionandthellama ! finding them again in the phandom this year was so wild and incredible for me). 

and like, it was november of 2012. 

the vday video was still on tumblr like.. i watched the vday video on tumblr. it was a different time it was a messy time. i probably saw something mentioning it, maybe this gifset? and i remember it.. didn’t take me long to find the video. the tumblr it was on wasn’t even password protected. i tried watching it again a little bit later, though, and the entire blog was gone. 

anyways. not to sidetrack right when i get to the part where i’m actually talking about the vday vid itself, but you know how there’s a difference between knowing something rationally and knowing something in your bones or in your gut? like, how sometimes you feel the things you know. 

i used to know in my bones that love wasn’t real, romance was 100% of the time inevitably doomed/not real/a lie, and that when people didn’t get divorced it was just because once they stopped being in love they still were friends enough to like, coexist in the same house and life. i knew love wasn’t real i knew it and i knew i was never going to find love and that there was no point. 

i was very sad. my parents’ divorce hit me pretty hard but i knew so many other adults who divorced like i didn’t have a reason in my life to believe that love was real or possible! i knew it was fake.

and then i saw the vday video and i remember sitting against my wall and the world just going still when i watched it. because i was anticipating something big, and i already believed that dnp would be good together-i think that’s the only time in my life i would call myself a shipper? before i knew anything. now i just consider myself a supporter of their relationship and someone who’s  inspired by/a fan of their love.

back to the video, though. i watched it alone in the dark and i didn’t beleive in love and i’m certain i watched it more than once in a row, that first time. i don’t think it was the moral question that it is now. i know there’s people who morally don’t feel like they can watch it or that they want to? and that’s so valid, and things have gotten awfully convoluted at this point in time around the vday video. but back then i was just a kid in the dark looking for something to believe in and i found it.

i think i cried? i probably cried. because like. i watched it and love was real again. love is everything to me the entire world is love it’s the thing i believe in more than anything else and the vday video made love real again. i watched it and then i watched videos of the halloween gathering and i just. i knew love was real again. i knew they’d said it was a prank. i knew that. but i watched the video and i knew it was real. i knew it. and love existed again. 

so, yeah . not to be soppy but dnp literally put my life on the trajectory that lead to me meeting or getting close with everyone i love and consider family and were the start of me figuring out my mental and physical health and what i want to do with my life and i remember sitting in the dark watching the vday video and now i’m in a world filled with light and love and i’m so fucking thankful every single day. this is soppy and long and perhaps not at all what you were looking for but like.

when i watched the vday video i knew it was real and i’m still certain of that and i still cry watching it sometimes. i can’t make eye contact with phil in the video i think watching the vday video is what made me realize how rare it is for phil to actually make eye contact with the camera and it fucks me up . 

ok im done. ty for the ask b it was nice looking back down memory lane

[auroraphilealis]

1/? ok, the mukbang video really did a number on me. before i get into it, i just realized that i feel like watching them has helped me mature in a way. i started watching them when i was 11, and i’m now 16. at least right now, maybe for the past few years, i’d say that the majority of the phandom has been more mature in regards to dnp and the things they do. i feel like if i hadn’t been part of that during my early teen years i wouldn’t be as mature as i am now if that makes sense. -mature anon

2/? mature anon- watching that video right now in 2018, or any other piece of recent content, the way people think about it and react to it is totally different compared to a few years ago. when dan put his hand on phil’s leg, a few years ago people would have freaked out and marked it as “phan proof” or some shit like that, not caring to acknowledge that that is just how friends interact. but now, we just see that, among other things, as something that just shows how close their relationship is

3/? another thing is how dan was talking about more personal topics, things that would just usually stay either in his head or between him and phil. he’s getting more comfortable showing himself to us, an example being the live my truth video when he talked about sex. and i love how we react to it now. taylor, danielhowall i think her username is, said that the mukbang video kind of changes everything, and i totally agree.

4/? the fact that they were comfortable enough to share something like that with us fills my heart with something that i can’t explain. they shared a tiny bit of their extremely private lives with us. not only does it excite me for what could come in the future, but it just adds to the list of things that i’m immensely proud of them for. sorry if this is extremely rambly and repetitive, i didn’t organize my thoughts beforehand.

5/5 i think, i can’t remember. i stopped writing then realized i couldn’t remember if i took out the question mark in the beginning. if i did, oh well, here’s another part. i’m the same anon from a while back who talked about dan being more open about sex in the living my truth vid if you remember that. i hope you understood what i meant by all of this. sorry it’s so long.

Incidentally, it’s been two months since mature anon messaged me (and since I’ve been properly active in anyway), and I’m not sure if mature anon is even still around, but I’ll apologize anyway and also answer anyway. 

I do remember you’re ask about the living my truth video! I’m glad to see you back. Wow, you’ve been in the fandom for quite some time. I love that, honestly. It’s really amazing how watching them can be something almost universal, and which can help a lot of us mature. I think even I’ve matured, and I was quite a bit older when I first started watching them. I think I was 19, but at this point I can’t really remember lol. But, they’re really overall good role models and two really amazing people who help in more ways than anyone (including themselves) really knows. 

As someone whose been with the phandom for quite some time, I would definitely say I agree with you on the idea of how much we’ve also matured as a group. For the most part, we’re not so aggressively intent on proving Phan exists anymore, but I also think that comes down to how much more open and real Dan and Phil have chosen to be with us. It no longer seems to matter so much one way or another if they’re truly together because we’re being allowed to see more of the reality of their friendship and bond. There isn’t a need to prove that they love each other, because they no longer hide that from us. I think they chose to stop trying to hide how deeply they care about each other because they realized that no matter what they really are to each other, there’s no use in trying to pretend with the internet. Especially considering these two really are, first and foremost, best friends.

I’m also really happy that Dan is being more open and honest. Even when I don’t particularly care for the topic he’s bringing up or even if I don’t agree with what he says, the fact that he’s finally willing to be himself gives me a lot of strength to be myself as well. I’m learning, through Dan, that you don’t have to agree with everyone in the world, and you don’t have to like everyone in the world, and you don’t need everyone in the world to like you. In fact, you can even be friends with people who don’t always think the same way as you. But more than that, what Dan shows is that being yourself is more important than anything else, no matter what that makes other people think of you. 

The mukbang video definitely changes everything. This year, with Dan and Phil, changes everything. Change is terrifying, I truly hate change, but I love that it’s happening here because it’s a hopeful change.

Don’t apologize for rambling and wanting to talk about this! I really loved hearing your thoughts, and it really helped me to reflect on Dan and Phil as well. This year has truly been something else, and the mukbang, and this ask are good reminders to be hopeful, in a strange way. 

[kaythejay]

it’s a little vague but can you write me like a NY city au for dnp, you can make it whatever you want but i just like the idea of it

Prompt: DnP NYC AU

Other Specifics: None

Reach for the Stars

Dan walked through the streets of New York with his head down. He was in a strange country with no familiar faces around him. How he’d convinced himself to come on this trip, he had no clue.  

There was no reason to be in New York at this time of year, especially for some British guy. It was cold as hell outside and even Dan’s heavy coat wasn’t doing it for him. It wasn’t even like he had a convention or something to be at. He was just randomly in a strange city with nothing to do and no one to talk to.

Well, until he bumped into someone.

The other man’s hair was dark. His eyes, at first glance looked blue, but upon further examination, Dan saw that his eyes were blue with a bit of yellow to them. His skin was comically pale, besides for the red flush covering his face. He also looked very familiar.

“Oh I’m so sorry,” the stranger said in a Northern British accent. “I didn’t see you there.” The stranger looked away from Dan.

“I should have been paying attention to where I was going,” Dan replied. The stranger smiled.

“I’m Phil, by the way,” the man said.

“D-Dan,” Dan replied, suddenly realizes where he’d seen Phil before. He had been a fan of Phil’s years ago, though not much for his content any more. As a twenty-six year old man, he didn’t have the time to watch silly videos on the internet. He had a job to do to keep a roof over his head. Well, and to keep innocent people out of prison and put criminals in. He didn’t particularly like his job, but it was what he went to college for, so he figured there was nothing else out there he could really do. He couldn’t afford to go back to school and waste his law degree.

“Well, nice meeting you,” Phil said as he tried to walk away.

“Wait, you’re AmazingPhil, aren’t you?” Phil looked back to Dan and smiled.

“It’s what the internet calls me,” Phil replied.

“I used to be a big fan.” Dan shrugged. Phil looked over Dan’s shoulder.

“Dan. As in that danisnotonfire guy?”

“How did you-” Phil smiled.

“Just a guess, I suppose.” Phil looked Dan up and down. “And I suppose I guessed right.”

“So you noticed me enough to still know who I am?” Dan asked. Phil nodded.

“How could I forget the guy who always commented first on all of my YouTube videos and Twitter posts? Heck, you go as far back as MySpace.” Dan couldn’t believe it. His teenage senpai was sitting here telling him that he still remembered who he was. Impossible. “You know, I was thinking about trying to become friends with you at one point.” Phil sighed. “Oh well the past is in the past.” Phil tried to walk away.

“Why don’t we try now?” Dan asked before he realized the words that were coming out of his mouth. Phil turned.

“Why would we do that? It’s been years since danisnotonfire said anything to me, why would he still be interested in being friends?” A smile played on his face.

“He only quit trying because he thought it was all in vein,” Dan replied. “In three years, AmazingPhil replied to him once.”

“Is that so?” Phil asked. “I happen to know AmazingPhil, quite well actually, and he thought that the danisnotonfire guy was really sweet and handsome.” Dan didn’t know how to reply. His idol from his teenage years just called him sweet and handsome. How was he supposed to react? He’d never been in a situation like this before. He’d bet his ass that no one else ever had been either.

“How’s lunch sound? On me,” he replied.

•••

Phil burst out laughing.

“You, a lawyer. You’re kidding.” Dan shook his head.

“To be completely honest, I wish I was. I just thought law seemed to be a very intelligent major choice and it’d be easy to find a job with it. I hated it all through college and I hate it now. I just feel like there’s nothing else for me to do at this point.” Phil rolled his eyes.

“It’s never too late to start chasing something you actually want to do with your life.” Dan sighed.

“But it is! I have no time to myself to even figure out what I like doing anymore,” Dan exclaimed. “When I’m in the office, I’m dealing with clients, when I’m at home I’m trying to piece together how to keep my client out of jail, or at least to minimize how long they have to be in there if they are guilty. It drives me insane.”

“That’s no way to live,” Phil replied. “Especially since you don’t love it. If you loved it, it’d be different and I’d be giving a different speech. You aren’t happy, so right now all you’re doing is not dying. You aren’t living.” Dan shrugged.

“I don’t know. I can’t really afford to quit doing the whole law thing, and I certainly can’t afford to give up any time with it. If my clients don’t win their case, I’m forced to give them half off my original price.” Dan paused for a second. “And I don’t uh … win often.” Dan coughed. “I barely graduated. I barely got my job. I’m barely keeping it.” Phil stood up.

“The Dan kid I knew had hopes and dreams. Sure, they were as simple as trying to get some guy online to notice him, but he had hopes and dreams. The Dan I’m talking to now is a hopeless case of boring. He doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. Even if he did know, he doesn’t see that he has the power to change it.” Phil shook his head. “It was nice meeting you, Dan. Thanks for lunch, but I can’t be around your negativity.” Phil put his coat on and checked his watch. “It’s getting late I have places to be.”

And just like that he was gone. Just like that, Dan was once again shattered.

“Phil wait!” Dan called after him, but Phil was gone. Dan threw some money on the table and ran outside. “Phil!” None of the people around him looked up from their phones or slowed down. Dan frantically looked around. He spotted a tall man who looked like he might be Phil and chased after him. “Phil.” Phil turned around and saw him.

“What do you want?” Phil asked softly.

“I want to be happy with my life. I don’t want to just exist. I want to live.” Phil smiled.

“Reach for the stars. Have you ever considered YouTube? Even as a side thing.” Dan thought to the notebooks that were sitting at home in his bottom left desk drawer. There had to be at least three of them now, full of ideas for a YouTube channel he thought he would never start. Phil smiled. “Call me when you get your first video uploaded,” Phil handed Dan a piece of paper. “I’d love to be your first viewer.”

[jestbee]

Of dogs and Disobedience

Title: Of Dogs and Disobedience Words: 2870 Summary: The five times they tried to have rules for their dog, and the one time they gave up.

Authors Note: Today has been a great day and I hyped about the tour and possibly seeing it with my pals. So, to @ineverhadmyinternetphase and @charlottekath who inspired me to write this by talking about much domestic dnp n dogs in the group chat. I am weak and I caved and now this exists. No regrets!

Also, though I never really intended them to be linked, I’ve kind of got a series of dog fics now. ‘Of dogs and something’ fics. They could all be the same universe if you like. Established fan and dogs! Read the others here:  Of Dogs and Solutions Of Dogs and Bathtimes

[AO3 link for this fic]

Fic under the cut

Enjoy!

Dan often tells him that he's more badly behaved than the dog. He steals food off Dan's plate, tracks muddy shoe prints through the hallway, and if Dan is gone for too long, bounces around him upon his return until Dan gives him some attention. At least, this is where Dan draws the parallels.

He doesn't seem to mind though. And while there are no clear cut rules for Phil, not really because despite the comparison Phil isn't actually Dan's pet, there are rules for Winston.

1. No tidbitting from the table.

2. No jumping up.

3. No sitting on the sofa.

4. No sleeping in their bed.

5. No going in the gaming room

"But he's just a puppy," Phil argued, scratching him behind the ears and grinning when his pink little tongue flopped out.

"Exactly," Dan replied, crouching down as well and stroking him, "he has to learn."

It isn't that Dan hates the dog. Far, far from that. Phil knows Dan loves Winston, is absolutely head over heels about the damn thing, but for some reason he's intent on having him be a good boy and- thanks to the internet- thinks a constant, consistent approach to household rules is the way to go about it.

There is lies the problem. Because, although Phil is quite open about his flippant attitude towards the rules, he does try to stick to them all the same.

1.

He suffers the cocked head and longing stares as he eats, the wide brown pleading eyes aimed at his slice of pizza.

"Sorry little man," he says, hitching his plate higher out of his way, and trying to eat quickly so that Winston doesn't think he's neglecting him, "no tidbitting allowed."

But Dan. Dan, with his sharp clearing of his throat as soon as Phil looks like he's about to waver, his vocal announcing of the rules at every given opportunity, Dan, is the worst.

Phil is home from his meeting. A pointless one because he knows he doesn't really want to get involved in a solo project right now, not when the second bathroom is still being renovated and they're debating that extension on the back to make the kitchen bigger. He wants to settle for a while, make the space their own, but he'd promised Jo at the management company he'd go along anyway. Network she'd said you never know for later on down the line. He knows that's sensible, so he'd gone, but he's tired now and he just wants to come home.

He knows as soon as he gets in that Dan has been cooking. The smell of food is spiralling through from the kitchen and he's never been more thankful in the knowledge that Dan will have left some for him.

He stumbles through the hallway, kicking off his shoes and placing them on the rack in the space under the stairs and pads onto the cool whites tiles of their kitchen floor. Hand picked, of course, the exact shade of white as the counters because aesthetics, Phil.

"Did you cook? Amazing. I'm famished--" he stops.

Dan is sat at their breakfast table, the round glass one with the chunky pine legs. He's bent over, Winston's tan little body and swishing tail by his feet and he's--

"Are you feeding the dog your dinner?"

Dan straightens up, wide-eyed and alert like he's been caught in the act. Because he has.

"No."

"I thought we said no tidbitting," Phil

"I wasn't," Dan maintains, and Phil pretends to go along with it.

2.

They're both coming home late this time. They'd popped out for a coffee with friends hours ago. It's takes them longer to get into the city these days and they always misjudge what time the rush hour traffic is going to hit on the way back. It means they get caught in the rain, and they're gone a little longer than they truly intended but they're still smiling when they come in through the door, shedding wet coats and shaking out their hair.

Winston is ecstatic. Bouncing around their ankles, shimmying up onto his hind legs, tongue lolling a yappy little bark escaping his mouth every few second.

"Shhh boy," Phil is saying, trying to encourage him to stop jumping, getting caught in his own coat in the process.

"Did you miss us?" Says Dan, his own coat abandoned on the antique chair they'd picked up at that place last summer. The one they said they were going to fix up, but haven't. The one that looks good anyway, a little shabby around the edges but charming nonetheless. Definitely more Phil's aesthetic than Dan's, but it works.

He's bent at the waist, slapping his hands against his knees, laughing as Winston props his paw up there, jumping and barking in time with their frivolity.

"Hey," Phil says, "No jumping up?"

Dan continues laughing, and Phil joins in.

3.

Dan is ill. He's picked something up from somewhere. From going outside he reminds Phil at various intervals, I told you we shouldn't do that. There has been much coughing on Dan's end and much rolling of his eyes on Phil’s as Dan huddles on the couch and whines periodically for coffee or food or a warmer blanket. But Phil is the dutiful partner, bringing him things with only the smallest amount of mocking about his fragile state.

He's on his way back from the kitchen, the mash potatoes and gravy Dan just had to have when he was ill clutched in a steaming bowl, when he spots Winston up on the couch. He's curled into the curve of Dan's abdomen, rounded and he's hunched over, coughing forlornly and stroking at Winston's ears. They look cozy. The blanket tucked up under his chin, the rhythmic way Dan is petting at his fur, comfortable and close. Phil pauses for a moment in the doorway watching the nest of his little family and smiling.

"He's up on the couch," Phil says, the barest hint of a smirk and his eyebrows definitely not raised.

"I'm sick," Dan says, coughing weakly in demonstration. "Leave me alone."

"Okay," Phil says, handing him the bowl.

He strokes Winston's head twice, the pup butting his head into his hand, then reaches to run his fingers through Dan's hair.

"Are you petting me now?" Dan says, poking the fork into the potatoes.

"Maybe," Phil says.

Dan hums, taking a bite.

Phil rearranges them on the sofa so that Dan's legs are draped over his lap and Winston repositions so he can be near to them both. They stay like that for a while, and Dan begins to perk up.

4.

Phil doesn't often go away alone these days. Most of the time Dan goes with him, or they go away just the two of them but, when there is work and the commitments that go with deciding that yes, you do want that extension to make the kitchen bigger, one of you sometimes has to skip the family barbecue and stay home. It being Phil's parents that were hosting, Dan drew the short straw and had to stay home and suffer the awkward encounters with builders.

Phil gets back on the Monday morning because travelling on the Sunday is always busy, Dan and he knows he's in for it because he's back later than they'd agreed he would be.

It's dark in the hallway, and there is no clattering sound of tiny paws on the wooden flooring of the lounge where Winston's basket is, which should have been his first clue. Phil puts his bag down, heads straight to the bedroom because if the house is in darkness, and there is silence in the living room, Dan has most likely gone to bed. Phil doubts Dan would have left the house, but he's just going to check anyway.

The scene in their bedroom has the breath catching in Phil's throat.

Dan's curly head pokes up from their sheets, bare arm hooked over the top, fingers curled into a loose fist. Winston is tucked up under his arm, his nose nuzzled into the juncture of his jaw and shoulder. He lifts his head as Phil enters, face alert at first then tail wagging as he recognises Phil.

"Hey boy," Phil says in a whisper. "I didn't think you were allowed on the bed."

Winston cocks his head and wags his tails some more as if he knows exactly what he's getting away with but that if Dan, the mean one, had allowed him then well, what was Phil going to do about it?

Phil isn't going to do anything, just chuckle lightly in the darkness at them both and contemplate getting a snack before he goes to bed himself.

He decides against it. Disappearing instead for a spell to brush his teeth, knowing he'd only get the riot act from Dan if he snuggled up to him to sleep without doing so.

Once he's in pyjamas, teeth brushed, contacts out, he heads back to the bedroom and crawls into the king sized bed. They'd invested in the bigger one when they got the house. It's a solid wood thing with a light grey wash to it, the headboard an actual thick branch. It's perfect, matching the rest of the silver-grey aesthetic they haven't moved away from since the last place, only much bigger.  When Dan spotted it he fell in love instantly. Phil took a bit more convincing, mostly over the price tag considering it was some sort of obscure furniture designer Dan knew the name of but pretty much no one else in the world did (or at least that was Phil's argument at the time).  He has to admit he likes it, especially at moments like this, bone tired from travelling, sinking into the soft mattress on a bed that is big enough for the length of them both without hanging off the edge and wide enough for them both to stretch out. That, and he had a sleep-warmed Dan next to him, which is always great, regardless of the bed.

Dan hums a sound as Phil curls close, mostly still asleep, but a little bit awake.

"How'd the kitchen go?" Phil asks, getting as close as he can with Winston between them.

Winston lifts his head from Dan's chest, turns his neck, sniffs at Phil who pets him absently, before settling down between the two of them, close enough that he can touch them both. He lets a breath out of his nose, noisy, sounding like a little contented sigh.

"S'good," Dan says, voice muffled as he scoots closer, mouth obscured partly by the pillow and partly by Phil's shoulder.

"Okay," Phil says, a hand up in Dan's hair, the duvet tucker around them both.

He scratches blunt fingers into Dan's head absentmindedly and Winston sighs again like he's jealous.

"Did Winston steal my side of the best while I was gone?"

"He's not allowed on the bed," Dan counters.

Phil glances down at Winston, a circle of fluff in the space between their bodies. "Alright," he agrees.

5.

Actually, keeping Winston out of the gaming room is difficult for both of them, but with the mass of wires and the many many expensive pieces of kit that could get damaged, they both agree it's best that the puppy isn't running around.

Winston doesn't get the message straight away though, and the whining at the door, the tentative scratching of his claws against the door. It's painful to say the least, and they pretty much break that rule simultaneously and without much fuss.

They're mid gaming video, and the whining at the door is loud enough that microphone is going to pick it up.

"We're not bad dog parents," Phil is saying, animatedly, "But he'll injure his little paws if we let him in, or he'll trip over a cable or something. He's clumsy. He gets that from me."

"He can't get that from you Phil," Dan insists.

"He can, and he did."

Dan rolls his eyes affectionately, but Winston whines behind the door and is isn't long before he's rolling backwards in his chair and opening the door.

He brings him back in, cradled in his arms and  lickign at his face.

"He can come play with us," Dan says, "I'll sit him on my lap, he won't get hurt."

"We can take turns," Phil corrects him, "he can sit with me when you're playing."

"Okay."

It's the first time Winston is featured on the gaming channel, but it wasn't the last.

+1

They're heading back from a walk. Winston has gotten really good at not pulling on the lead and he's trotting along happily on the end of his black lead that matches his collar. That's been Dan's input. The bone shaped tag hanging from it with Winston's name and their contact information written on it had been Phil's.

"Oh, you're finally back," comes a voice from their porch as they walk up the drive, rounding the willow tree in their front garden.

"Oh god," Dan says beside him, "We totally forgot. I'm so sorry."

"No worries, you're not too late."

"Hi Louise," Phil says, offering the arm not currently holding Winston's lead for a hug.

"Oh hello," Louise says, ducking down in lieu of hugging him, "aren't you a cutie!"

"This is Winston," Dan says, his voice proud. "He's the best."

Louise tickles him under the chin and he pushes his furry head into her hand in response, licking at her a little bit.

"He's precious," she says.

They go inside, Louise relieving Phil of the lead to walk Winston inside, babbling to him all the time in baby talk.

"You're doing that mum thing," Dan notes.

"Yeah, just missing when my babies were really babies. Terrible twos have hit for the little one and I'm just… well, this isn't the easy bit. You guys have got it best with this one, he's lovely… aren't you. Aren't you just lovely."

Winston yaps once and wags his tails to show that, yes, he is lovely.

They make their way to the kitchen, Dan flicks the kettle on and fetches biscuits from the cupboard, arranging them on the plate. When they're settled around the table, drinks poured and Winston sitting at his feet, Louise gets around to asking about the renovations.

"Well, it looks a lot different in here from the last time I was here," she says.

"Yeah," Phil says, jumping up, because this is the part he likes best. He explains how it was before, what the concept was. That they're wanted to just knock through entirely but the wall was load bearing so they're settled for a lintel, made a feature of it with the spot lights. How they're chosen to keep the extension roof space open into the gable to give it that extra ceiling height, why they'd chosen to put windows in on both sides, rather than just one as the original builder has suggested. He's gesticulating wildly, he knows, but well, she'd asked.

"Don't mind him," Dan says, picking up a biscuit and breaking a bit off, "he always gets like this. He's so excited about it."

"So were you," Phil points out, "Mister we-must-have-the-exact-white-tiles-to-match-the-counters."

"Aesthetics, Phil, I've told you." He laughs, reaching down with the bit of biscuit to an awaiting Winston who scoops it from his palm delicately.

"Did you just--"

"What?" Dan asks Louise, her face incredulous.

"Did you just feel the dog biscuit from your hand?"

Phil scoffs, "Yeah," he says, "Except we're supposed to have a rule where we don't do that."

Dan shrugs.

Later Louise points out when Dan lets Winston up on the couch, when he lets him into the gaming room while they film a video and he curls up in the corner.

"You spoil him you know," Louise says, "He'll run riot."

"He already does," Dan says fondly.

"Yeah," Phil agrees, "We don't mind. He's kind of… he's like us."

"One of the family," Dan grins, looking over at him.

Phil grins back at there's a moment between them before Louise clears her throat. "Um guys?"

Dan laughs awkwardly.

"Besides," he says, "If I can put up with how badly behaved Phil is, a disobedient puppy is nothing."

Phil shoves at him lightly and Dan's smile lasts the entire time Louise is setting up the camera. And then some.

Most days, Dan insists Phil is still more badly behaved than the dog. Some days, Phil counters it with how badly behaved Dan is, and that if he's just stuck to the rules, the dog wouldn't be badly behaved anyways. Winston demands attention and despite their best efforts it's obvious who is really in charge in their house and he often runs circles right around them. He goes where he wants in the house, sits where he wants, sleeps where he wants, and they spoil him rotten. And to be honest, they wouldn't have it any other way.

[jestbee]

Some thoughts on FEDIJ