#so I couldn't identify the feeling
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Learned today that if someone shines a flashlight into your eyeballs your sinuses are visible through your mouth
Also learned via this method that one of my sinus cavities is like completely zero wiggle room stuffed to capacity full of gunk and I have. An infection 💀 which apparently explains the ceaseless incurable unbearable fucking headache that I've had for a month
#literally not exaggerating migraines are more bearable than this. make it stop#told my dr yeah ive had a headache for like a month and it hurts mostly in my face and she made this 😬 face at me#I didn't do anything about it sooner bc I thought it was just a weird tension headache or something! I've never had sinus problems before#so I couldn't identify the feeling#and only realized that could be a possibility yesterday while googling in agony 'symptoms of brain tumor' because i feel like im dying#and google said hey. look. its probably a migraine or a sinus infection. you dumb bitch#anyway. im tired. but laying down hurts my face. so I will be here spouting bullshit until I pass out#do any of yall play flight rising
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crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.
i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.
in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.
i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.
i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.
plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.
the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.
we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.
i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.
a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.
today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.
loved beyond thinking.
#spilled ink#writeblr#personal#please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it#i really try not to write so specifically about it#bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child#i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years#i might delete this. feels big.#the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum#and if u say ur autistic#inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms#please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do#and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort.#but it still feels like...#when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing.#they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly?#and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find#the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go)#and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW."#''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.''#and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic#someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.
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for real WHERE does the idea that [utdr humans] are nongendered so that "you can project on them" come from. their literal character arcs are about NOT being a blank slate to be filled in by the audience
i think i understand the assumption on some level for undertale, because there is a very intentional effort to make you identify with the "player character" in order to make your choices feel like your own (the beating heart of undertale's metanarrative lies in giving you an alternative path to violence against its enemies after all, and whether you're still willing to persue it for your own selfish reasons. YOUR agency is crucial).
of course, the cardinal plot twist of the main ending sweeps the rug from under your feet on that in every way, and frisk's individuality becomes, in turn, a tool to further UT's OTHER main theme: completionism as a form of diegetic violence within the story. replaying the game would steal frisk's life and happy ending from them for our own perverse sentimentality, emotionally forcing our hand away from the reset button.
i think their neutrality absolutely aids in that immersion. but also, there's this weird attitude by (mostly) cis fans where it being functional within the story makes it... somehow "editable" and "up to the player" as well? which is gross and shows their ass on how they approach gender neutrality in general lol.
but also like. there's plenty of neutral, non PCharacters in undertale and deltarune. even when undertale was just an earthbound fangame and the player immersion metanarrative was completely absent, toby still described frisk as a "young, androgynous person". sometimes characters are just neutral by design. it's not that hard to understand lol.
anyone who makes this argument for kris deltarune is braindead. nothing else to say about it.
#this is a very difficult topic to discuss imo because on Some level I don't completely disagree with people who make that argument for chara#in SPIRIT. if not in action. like my point still stands characters can just Be neutral. and if that level of customization had been intended#well Pokemon's been doing the ''are you a boy or a girl'' shtick for ages. no reason why that couldn't have been included as well#but i do feel that we're supposed to identify with chara within the story. not as in chara is us but as in we are chara#and i think someone playing the game without outside interferences and (wrongly) coming to the conclusion that chara IS literally#themselves in the story. and thus call them by their own name (the one they likely inputted at the start) and pronouns#will be someone who grasped undertale's metanarrative more than someone who went in already spoiled on the NM route who thinks of chara#(and on some level frisk as well) as completely separate from us with independent wills and personhoods at any time#who treats them as nonbinary. even if their approach is more ''appropriate'' to a gender neutral person#systematic error vs manually changing every measure to fit what you already think is going to be the correct result. ykwim?#of course this opens a whole new parentheses while discussing the game outside of your personal experience#because even if you DO see chara as a self insert then they are a self insert for EVERYONE. women men genderqueer people#i don't call chara ''biscia'' even though that's what i named the fallen human in my playthrough. neither do i use they because i also do#if you're describing the character/story objectively in how they are executed then you're going to talk about them neutrally#because you ain't the only sunovabitch who played the darn game sonny#so like. either way you turn it. even in the most self insert reading you'd STILL logically use they/them so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ git gud#answered asks
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there's so much to expand on wrt helena's day job being a public school teacher and the role adding this tenderness to a character whose seeming roughness gets read as uncontrollably violent (a convo for another day). the huntress to helena is fueled with so much inner strife, part of it is putting a tangible mask on something she was doing throughout her teenage and young adulthood, going from protecting herself to protecting the vulnerable. her choosing to be a teacher further roots her in the community that she aims to protect and allows her to become the helping hand she needed as a kid. her being a teacher makes her character so much more compelling, marking her compassion and desire to be there for children esp., as a trait that exists beyond the mask. (imo this also allows a deg. of character development with what the mask is to helena; moving between a means of revenge, idealization of her strengths, to a tool to be there for when blood cries) although bat editorial has never fully understood her (some of that misunderstanding is played up solely to rehash conflict between her and the other bats), there is something about the lack of “screentime” helena’s day job gets and desire to have these figures protecting gotham but no desire to tell the stories of the people/communities that make up gotham.
#even though huntress vol.1 was incredibly dark/disturbing and has got a good couple parts that didn’t age well. it provided#so many sub stories abt the people in nyc. those who could and couldn't stand up and it made for nuanced stories and for helena to have thi#interesting origin#even the robin stories she was in afterwards!#displaying helena as a teacher provides this heart i feel like we haven’t seen in a while#also on a surface level i miss the quips she made during nightly stakeouts about grading papers. cause like saur true.#and it makes vic feeling bad about not doing something about helena’s job so much more 🥹🥹🥹🥹#him identifying it was something important to her and grounding her…yeah#helena bertinelli
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me on the verge of a mental break down: could it be that I'm stressed? nah I'm probably making excuses.
#alexithymia#I'm so glad i found this word exists#cuz i definitely have it#and like it's hard to know you have something when you don't KNOW it#like i would've never guessed im out of tone with my emotions by myself#and it's all thanks to NOAHFENCE and Tumblr#therapy did nothing because they also couldn't tell what i was feeling BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW MYSELF LMAO#but yeah#it's nice because now i can conceptualize and identify the ussue at least
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To be honest I think I'm starting to become so apathetic to gender that I could possibly be non-binary but at the same time I am also just apathetic enough to not care about changing my pronouns or doing anything differently about how i present to people
#long gender rant incoming but i've never not identified as a woman and I'll probably always be one#but also i don't think i identify so much as a woman that i find it to be so drastically different to being a man?#like i never identified as a man either and never will but also like. idk we're all just people man#it's the roles we impose on ourselves that makes it seem like there's such a chasm there but there's not#like sure i'm sure on some level being a woman predisposes me to behave certain ways#but i was also fortunate enough to be raised in a household where my gender didn't bar me from playing with or liking things deemed for boy#so when i gravitated towards engineering and action movies and video games i mingled a lot more with boys than i did girls#not to be a 'not like other girls' girl but just because i naturally wanted to surround myself with people of common interests#and that just kind of normalized for me sharing space and thoughts with men as an equal#and sure sometimes men in particular piss me off but mostly just the men who subscribe to the bs role they were given as a 'man'#like the ones who don't think they could possibly relate to me because I'm a woman#like fuck that. obviously. but i also find it hard to identify with movies like barbie that draw such a clear divide between genders#like i remember my biggest problem with the movie is that very rarely did it feel like the kens and barbies ever genuinely liked each other#i know that wasn't the point of the movie. it is a critique of gender roles and the patriarchy so relationships were not the focus#but i also couldn't really see myself in the barbies and i found it kinda hard to fully immerse myself in the message of it#idk. all this to say i am a woman but sometimes i wish i didn't have to make a big deal about it#oh yeah okay no wonder i'm bisexual
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Sometimes the homophobia inside the house is so much stronger than outside. And that's just... I don't know what to say.
Oh, and if you ask why I'm saying this, well. The community kind of made me stay in the closet, because I was not a gay or a lesbian and therefore not welcome into the community. And of course not that welcome to the outside world for that matter. Yeah
For sureeeee. I'm so sorry the community is for everyone and some people truly don't understand how excluding groups of queer people from their own community is so damaging ❤️ The infighting within our own community is so damaging and harmful to queer people who don't fit into what some perceive as "acceptable" and "family friendly" BUT it is also not welcoming to people who aren't in the LG(sometimes B and maybe just maybe T) area and this isn't even beginning to touch on people who don't fall under the label of "white" within the community and how they identify/present themselves.
#i remember the president of our gsa in highschool told me no one was bisexual and we needed to pick#and he was like IM JOKING after but like... no dude you weren't#and that's an insanely harmful thing to say to someone who was you know... 14 and trying to find a community within high school#I was also on tumblr during the ace hatred (which is still a thing)#and now of course the trans hatred#and god forbid you try and do some sort of assimilation for PROTECTION#DO YOU KNOW WHY WE LET ALLIES INTO QUEER SPACES BECAUSE CLOSETED PEOPLE CAN BE ALLIES SOMETIMES#I HAD SO MANY 'ALLY' FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL WHO WOULD SLOWLY CONFIDE IN JUST A FEW PEOPLE THEY WERE MAYBE GAY#BUT THEIR PARENTS COULDN'T KNOW#BECAUSE THEN THEY COULDN'T COME TO GSA ANYMORE#i just... the infighting in the queer community is horrible#and the vitriol that comes at closeted queer people in the form of hatred towards potential closeted celebrities is just...#as the meme goes harry styles/taylor swift/etc won't see your words#but your closeted friends who identify strongly with these people will and those are the people you are harming#like... my annoyance is very much not at people thinking a celeb isn't gay i don't care#i care that you are making young closeted queer people feel like garbage and excluding them with your words and actions#and you don't even care because you're so high and mighty in being 'right'
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Tideturners: The Sidewinder
“Spend enough time in the Mists, and you’re bound to meet the most fascinating people.”
The Sidewinder went by another name, once. She sailed the seas, swindled and cheated, ransacked and pillaged. A pirate’s life was a harsh one-- unforgiving, violent, and usually sodden with salt water. Even among them she was fierce and unrelenting, a bold captain who fought tooth and nail to maintain the confidence of her crew. She made a name for herself, in spite of her rough origins and all the people who didn’t believe she could.
Her name was Mai Trin... But she doesn’t go by that name anymore.
It’s said that there’s many versions of Tyria scattered through the Mists. Countless, even. Sometimes they even clash, fighting for the resources that crop up in the gaps between worlds. Some are better off than others.
Hers is nothing but a memory now, and the origin of an ever-growing shadow that most will never see-- if they’re lucky. Some histories are best left buried.
“We’re the Tideturners, and we won’t be washed away.”
It all began with a simple proposition; a certain sylvari and a certain alliance, and an ill-fated plan to change the world. But this time, something was different.
The Commander of her world wasn’t quite like most. Brutal, relentless, and arguably more dead inside than the corpse minions he commanded. His lack of morals and intense ambition caught Scarlet’s attention, and she decided to invite him aboard the operation. He was an expert in slaying the dragons and their minions, and such insight could be invaluable with the goals she had in mind.
But this proved to be a dreadful miscalculation. Commander Ruju saw no difference between a rebelling dragon minion and a willing one. When the asura recognized seeds of corruption in her mind, he held no mercy.
And with the head cut off the snake, Ruju made his declaration; either what remained of the slain Briar’s alliance would fall in step under him willingly, or their remains would serve him in death. He was an ardent follower of the principles of Oola; necromancy and golemancy were destined to collide, and any who stood in his way would provide the materials to make that dream reality.
Captain Mai Trin recognized then that this wasn’t the Alliance she’d once believed in. The first to have believed her capable of greatness was dead, and Ruju saw them all as nothing more than replaceable cogs in his perpetual war machine. There was no future there, for the Captain or her crew.
Mai took any Aetherblades who were still loyal to her and fled into the Mists.
She’d spend the rest of her life wondering if they could have won when there was still something left of their world to save. Now they’ll never know.
“I spent most of my life making the wrong choices.”
“But if I can still accomplish something worthwhile with whatever time I have left, that’s what I’m going to do. I owe it to all the people who should be here instead of me.”
In the Mists, she and her Aetherblades cut their own path and their own future, far from Ruju’s war against dragons and Tyrians alike. They built a hideaway within turbulent lands where even time itself held no stability, a fortress that they prayed would never be found by the former allies they left behind.
Within the Mists, they thrived by learning to ransack Fractals. Taking from the echoes of realities that could have been, they found every resource they could ever need to survive. Food and water, technology, replacement parts, weapons and armor, raw materials... Whatever they needed, the Fractals would provide.
It was there that Mai would seek out the guidance of a familiar voice; she reached into the shadows, and the echoes answered, whispering. Scarlet Briar became her ally once more, offering advice and frustration in equal measure.
For a long time, it was just them. Mai, her Aetherblades, and the whispers of a mastermind who’d once promised them the path to greatness.
Years came and went, and the war of their world marched on, and on. Its consequences would soon prove unthinkable-- and inescapable. There were some lines not even pirates would cross. But Ruju held no such reservations.
Mai’s echo felt something within their world, a tie that snapped like brittle thread. For the first time, she was told-- begged-- pleaded with-- to return. Never before had the pirate experienced such a pull. Nor could she begin to imagine just what, exactly, had rendered the sylvari so inconceivably distraught.
And so they returned to Tyria for the first time. Airships flickered back into existence from the Mists, materializing over the skies of the Maguuma jungle.
The landscape below them was not the world they knew. Not anymore.
“... Scarlet wanted to change the world, you know. We all did. She inspired people just like Ruju, once. However you feel about that, there were plenty who believed that anything would be better than what they already had.”
“I can’t say it would’ve been, knowing what I know now. But at least she planned on there still being a world by the time she was done, whatever it would’ve become.”
The Grove was nearly unrecognizable. If not for the crumpled remains of the Pale Tree’s vast branches, she might not have realized what it even was.
Tunnels had been torn through the earth, vast caverns that formed what could only be described as a hive. The forest was teeming with massive insectoid beasts that only later would she learn had a name; the chak.
What had once been the sylvari capital city lay in ruins. The Pale Tree was dead. And under the shadow of her fading leaves hid what would, in another world, have been Tyria’s greatest hope. Mai wasn’t sure what drew her eye to that thicket and its glittering occupants, but the moment she laid eyes upon it, she knew she couldn’t just turn away.
So she called over her most loyal crew members, and they descended into the wreckage to seek something far more precious than any gold.
Broken bodies and dented armor littered the forest floor, yet they paid it no heed, cutting through the swaths of chak and stepping past pools of acid to reach their destination. It was there that Mai would be faced with the choice that would change her life-- and the lives of her remaining Aetherblades-- forever.
“... I’m no hero, or freedom fighter, or ‘chosen one’ or anything glamorous like that. I’m just the last line of defense, if you can say that when there’s so little left.”
“I’m the one they call in because everybody else is already dead. I don’t save the day, it’s already too late for that. I just clean up the rubble you so-called ‘heroes’ leave behind, bury the bodies your wars leave to rot on the battlefield, and patch up the few survivors who got caught in the crossfire.”
“Be careful where you toss that title around, ‘Commander.’ It doesn’t mean what you think it does, not around here.”
Hidden in the shrubbery was what remained of the Exalted; they had long since fled Tarir, their home utterly destroyed by a three-way war between Mordremoth’s minions, the chak, and Ruju’s Alliance. Their grand city was no more, and the same fate had befallen so much of the jungle that it even put the pirates on edge. As it turned out, Ruju had injected a mass quantity of highly toxic biochemicals into Mordremoth’s vegetation, but the poison had killed far more than just the dragon.
The dragon wasn’t just connected to the jungle; it was the jungle. And as it coursed through every vine, leaf, and root, it carried its deadly effects throughout the entire region. The chak fed on mass amounts of released ley energy from the killed vegetation, and since the chemical was only lethal to plants, they survived-- and thrived. Their population grew and grew and grew, evolving to utilize this new resource that now dominated their domain.
And as their numbers multiplied and their evolution accelerated... Their domain grew right along with them, undermining the entire landscape all the way into Kessex Hills. The Pale Tree had been a recent casualty; weakened first by an attack from the dragon and then from the poison seeping into her soil, she didn’t stand a chance when the insects reached their doorstep.
Now, with Ruju’s armies on the march across the continent, they had nowhere left to go. Their last shelter was in ruins, and the Exalted’s precious cargo was in jeopardy. It was only then that they would offer the last thing they had to give to the only hope they had left. Mai and her pirates weren’t the ideal alliance, but there was nowhere else left to turn.
Even the sylvari who had brought it to Tarir lay among the dead now. Mai didn’t know her name, back then. But her invocation did-- and whispered it as they looked upon the shining egg that should have been Tyria’s last hope.
‘Oh Caithe. You poor fool. I always knew your devotion would get you killed.’
“... You know, it’s almost funny. Most sailors believe in some kind of superstition, but I never did. If there was any ‘higher power’ out there, it didn’t care about us. We survived because we fought tooth and nail for every scrap. The open sea had no mercy, so neither did we.”
“And then I saw that egg, shining like a beacon in the ruins of a dead city that called to me with its last breath. And I just... Knew. Guess sometimes it takes the end of the world to really put things into perspective, huh?”
The crew was conflicted; some wanted to simply steal the egg and make off with it, but what then? The Exalted would fight to their last armor, and what would they even do with it? It only had value if they could sell it, and who would be its buyer? Certainly not Ruju, and no one else would want it. It was too precious, too powerful, too important to be treated as a mere treasure.
Mai and her invocation came to a joint conclusion-- one of which neither was certain, but both knew was unavoidable. Mai offered the strange, ethereal beings her hand. There was one path forward, and she was going to take it.
An alliance was forged, that day. And that was the day that the Aetherblades were no more. A new name was born, one that would echo through the Mists as it rippled across the fabric of fate-- a reflection of what they would become, and what they were going to do from that moment on.
They would be the Tideturners, one final holdout against impossible odds. And even if they couldn’t save this Tyria from the cataclysm to come, maybe they would still be able to save something else.
“I’m going to tell you a secret: nobody comes to live in the Mists if they have somewhere better to stay. We aren’t the only ones out here, but we all have something in common. We’re all running from something, hoping whatever we find out here will be better than what we’re trying to escape. Most times, it’s hard for it to be worse.”
“The Turnabout isn’t a vacation spot, or a military base, or anything like that. It’s a refuge for people who don’t have anywhere else to go. We don’t ask questions because we all have our secrets, and nobody needs to know who we were before, just who we choose to be now.”
“Those people are dead and gone, and they’re never coming back. We’re just the ghosts they left behind.”
The last of the Exalted were brought into the Mists aboard Aetherships, and settled into the fortress that would one day become known as the Turnabout. Glint’s last egg was safeguarded in the last place it might truly be out of Ruju’s reach, and in return, the Exalted offered their own magical knowledge to upgrade the facility’s defenses.
New weaponry was developed-- unique combinations of their ancient secrets and the steam-powered technology utilized by the Aetherblades. EX-Cannons were designed that would even act as an extension of the Exalted themselves, allowing the armor beings to interface more directly with the fortress’s defenses. And as knowledge of the continued destruction of their world slipped through the cracks, the sentiment began to slowly shift.
Even pirates had standards, morals that were too low even for them. They’d fight and plunder and pillage-- but this wasn’t about wealth or prestige or even survival, not anymore. And the more that Ruju’s army left naught but desolation in its wake, the clearer it became that this was far bigger than any of them.
It was the fall of Balthazar that shook the Mists, and tipped a far different scale than any had anticipated. Elder dragons were falling, one after the other. The fabric of magic was crumbling, and with it, their world, too. Scarlet began to whisper cryptic warnings of the ‘oblivion’ so soon to come.
Everything was about to get much, more worse.
“There’s worse fates than death. I know, I’ve seen my fair share. Corruption is pretty high on the list.”
“I could almost feel sorry for him, even after all this. I don’t know what Ruju is now, but he’s not an asura anymore. I’m not sure you can even call him alive. Whatever that magic did to him, there’s no turning back now.”
“It’s a part of him, and he’s a part of it, even if there’s not enough left of him to realize it for himself.”
Their scouts began to send back reports of a strange, dark substance that twisted even reality itself. It adhered to no laws of logic or physics, bending matter indiscriminately and killing everything that it didn’t consume. It was growing, faster and faster. If allying with the Exalted had been Mai’s turning point, this was the moment that would truly prove her change of heart.
The Tideturners returned to their world, one more, one final time. Their ships arrived to a Tyria ravaged by shadows and broken magic, this time on a mission that would have no happy ending; to get everyone out that would come, before there was nothing left to save at all. If the world had to end, they were going to salvage what little of it that they could. It would be here that Mai would don a mask for the first time, referring to herself as ‘the Sidewinder’ to conceal her identity. Her world would never trust their safety to a cutthroat pirate, but perhaps it could learn to trust a mysterious, unnamed Mists traveler instead.
Many were unwilling. They planned to fight until the end. Some were left behind, others were carried aboard, and a few even tried to fight the pirates themselves.
Captain Kiel was one of the ‘lucky’ few to be knocked out in the conflict and carried aboard; only after awakening would she discover what had happened. She’d spend the rest of her life coming to terms with it, just like so very many others. Eventually she would go on to become the Turnabout’s co-leader ‘Captain K’ alongside the Sidewinder, but that’s another story for another day.
That day would haunt the pirates for as long as they lived, for there were other things, dreadful, monstrous things, watching them with glowing eyes as they departed. The Mists were about to get a whole lot more dangerous...
The Grand High Sovereign didn’t go down with his world. And there were still so many, many other worlds out there for him to explore and dominate.
“We don’t worship the Six here. There’s only Five, and they don’t ask for our unconditional devotion. They know the role they played in our history, and we know it, too. When their people called out, they were silent. They left their worshipers to die until no one was left to pray.”
“They’re gods, but most of us treat them as guides, mentors, and allies. They don’t win our battles for us, and their power won’t turn the tide of war. That’s up to us. But they answer our questions, and offer their advice. They won’t save us, but if we know the right questions to ask, they’ll give us the tools to save ourselves.”
It would be in the years to follow that the Turnabout would change even more than it already had. Many refugees had fled into the Mists of their own accord, and now wandered among the shadows and demons with no direction and no resources. But they did not go unnoticed.
The Five remaining human gods had been watching. They dared not intervene with the god killer directly, but one thing became clear; if they stood by and did nothing, soon what little remained of their Tyria would crumble. Even the Turnabout itself wasn’t enough to keep them safe. Sooner or later something truly horrific would find them, and their last refuge would be wiped away as if it had never existed at all.
Despite their reluctance, Kormir eventually won the other gods over. They didn’t need to fight, but they did need to step in-- even if it wouldn’t be forever. A decision was made, and after far too long, contact was finally re-initiated-- and an offer was made to the survivors who remained.
The Five broke a piece off of their land in the Mists, Xotecha, and offered it as sacred ground for the Turnabout’s final iteration. Gathering the last stragglers, they aided in bringing the remains of their broken world to a safer location; the heart of a massive temporal storm, surrounded on all sides by walls of broken reality that nothing could easily pass.
And finally, they offered knowledge, one last boon that would teach the refugees how to navigate the Mists and its temporal instabilities more safely. Soon the Tideturners understood its intricacies better than any of them ever would have imagined, devising their own specialized suits that could insulate them from even the most severe and debilitating environments.
Eventually these suits would allow for the retrieval of the impossible and improbable, making for some unique new allies that would aid the Tideturners’ Mists excursions even further... But that, too, is a story for another day.
“Jade tech is really something, huh? It holds a magical charge like nothing else I’ve ever seen, even golem power cores can’t compare. It infuses the whole machine’s physical components with power, and you can do some very... Creative things with that kind of energy infusion.”
“That’s the most I can tell you about our systems, but I don’t think you’ll find anything like this outside the Turnabout. ‘ASP’ really is one of a kind.”
As the Turnabout’s population grew, so did its technological advancement and ingenuity. With it came iterations of Cantha’s jade tech, and new methods of energy channeling that entirely changed the way their facility operated. EX-Cannons were upgraded, and new technology allowed the Turnabout to revolutionize its entire interface in an entirely new way.
A new AI system was introduced to run the facility and aid the ever-growing population; ‘ASP,’ short for Automated Security Protocol. The Sidewinder oversaw its development, and became the head of security for the foreseeable future. The snarky, occasionally morbid AI soon proved to be an exceptional help around the Turnabout... With a sinister secret.
In truth, the ‘AI’ was no AI at all, but instead an extension of the Sidewinder’s secretive Scarlet Briar invocation. By directly interfacing her magic with the Turnabout’s jade tech energy conduits, she was able to devise a method of controlling everything remotely-- with Scarlet operating the machinery independently so she could focus on other matters. In order to maintain the connection, a pair of special magitech gauntlets were constructed with unique jade tech receptors that could channel her magic directly into the system, and generate a ‘tablet’ interface for ease of access anywhere.
Some would eventually become suspicious, but the more time passed, the more that the population came to determine that it didn’t make a difference. The AI was doing its job, Sidewinder was proving herself as an effective leader, and the Turnabout was providing for all of its residents with a surprising amount of efficiency.
Against all odds, people came to believe in the Sidewinder and the bold new world she helped to build. And, even if she knew there were plenty of others who would’ve been better suited to this position than her, Mai would fight every day to become the person that the Tideturners believed she was.
She wasn’t a hero, and she didn’t want to be one. But she could be a leader.
This would only be the beginning of their story, though... Ruju’s march would continue soon enough, and the Tideturners’ work will never be done. Not until the Grand High Sovereign and his void-enhanced army is finally laid to rest.
So, where are the Tideturners now..?
"In the taverns of Divinity's Reach, look for someone with a skull and sword tattoo on their upper arm. You'll see just the edge of it. Show them this coin, and tell them; 'I heard you're looking for lost treasure.'"
"They'll ask you; 'I'm always watching for hidden gems. How'd you find this?’ Answer them; 'it washed in on the tide.' They'll know what that means."
There are few groups more secretive than the Tideturners. Most would say they’re just a strange story whispered between Mist travelers, trying to explain shifting shadows in the distance and mysterious markings under rocks. Few outside their ranks have ever seen them, and even fewer knew what they saw.
Just know this; if the Sidewinder is about, the winds of fate are changing... And it’s likely not in your favor. Not because she brings trouble, but because she’s tracking the ones who do... And where Ruju goes, calamity is sure to follow.
So if you start seeing unidentifiable figures lurking on the horizon, and finding their sigil marked under arches, get ready. And if the Sidewinder drops by to share a drink and say hello, never let yourself forget she’s likely there on business. Ask her when the tide is coming in if you want the truth.
Where she comes from, there are no heroes, not anymore. The good ones never make it out alive. If you do, you’ll be the first.
So get ready... Because a storm is coming, and it’s closer than you think.
Additional Background Details and Headcanons:
- Mai adopted the nickname ‘Sidewinder’ due to its snake theming; I headcanon her to be of mixed Luxon (Serpent clan) and Elonian (Corsair) background, which in turn was why her ancestors weren’t living in Cantha; they left due to persecution from the Ministry of Purity, with her being the first to return after several generations of piracy on the fringes of Tyria. Likewise, Scarlet’s ‘AI’ persona was named ASP to match up with the snake theme.
- While the Sidewinder isn’t Aurene’s first choice as a Champion for various reasons, under certain circumstances she could, potentially, become the young dragon’s caretaker. However, the egg has not hatched as of yet; due to the differences during the time of Heart of Thorns, she didn’t gain as much magic from Mordremoth’s death and as such, hasn’t absorbed enough energy.
- In the significant amount of time spent separated from Mordremoth, ASP has effectively been ‘rehabilitated.’ While she often still makes snarky remarks and has a notably morbid sense of humor, she doesn’t act on her more violent impulses anymore and is actually highly defensive of her new home. Both she and the Sidewinder defend the Turnabout ferociously. Additionally, most Turnabout residents have become familiar with her since she often speaks through the intercoms and offers assistance for a variety of tasks.
- Most characters aren’t aware that the Sidewinder is Mai; those who do are mainly Captain Kiel and the former Aetherblades from her original timeline. Very few people actually made it out of her original Tyria, so there aren’t many who can-- or will-- confirm or deny her true identity. Some others they’ve taken in from later timelines (Agent Y and Joon, particularly) have a pretty solid guess due to knowing Mai in their own world, but can’t be certain.
- Due to the Sidewinder’s first experience with any ‘Commander’ being so overwhelmingly negative, she tends to be extremely cautious of any others she comes across using that moniker. Even the good ones tend to set her on edge; she’s seen enough timelines at this point to pick up on a pattern, and it always places them as a driving force of destiny. That said, she can grow friendly with Commanders on occasion, should they prove to be friendly in return.
- The Sidewinder never, ever introduces herself as Mai Trin, and her mask contains an auditory distortion module that disguises her voice. She never takes the mask off in public. It also contains numerous other mechanical and electronic components, including an internal screen and various overlays for observing various Turnabout statistics, and a sensory deprivation mode that blocks out visuals entirely if she needs to focus her revenant abilities.
- Her mask and gauntlets work in tandem to help focus the Sidewinder’s abilities; both have extensive jade conduits and circuitry built in, which allow ASP to interface with the Turnabout from anywhere and also prevent it from overwhelming her. If the Sidewinder is going into combat, though, she also has a specialized set of matching pauldrons that increase her power output. Both those and the gauntlets have magic that might seem familiar to those who’ve faced Mai’s revenant invocation in battle... Black spheres of magic surrounded by a red glow, just like the torment-inflicting orbs used by Scarlet when she spirals out of control. That resemblance isn’t a coincidence in the least.
- Sidewinder’s mech glows red instead of green, which may catch some off-guard; any technology influenced by her revenant abilities will change colors to match ASP’s crimson energy signature, and she’s capable of affecting anything that utilizes a suitably advanced system of magitech circuitry. ASP often acts entirely independently of Sidewinder, which can have both amusing and disconcerting results. Mostly it results in the ‘AI’ dropping in on electronic transmissions without permission to deliver quips and commentary.
- While she and Captain K still don’t see eye-to-eye on most things, they’ve learned to forge their differences into a strength. By meeting in the middle on various issues, they often come to much more creative and nuanced conclusions-- and that, in turn, allows them to lead the Turnabout much more effectively. While the Sidewinder typically handles combat management and defensive measures, Captain K is more involved in the political side and handles diplomatic matters.
“Welcome to the Turnabout. Rules are pretty simple around here: keep your weapons boxed in public spaces, don’t take things that don’t belong to you, fight only in self-defense, and don’t aggravate the AI. She bites.”
“... I’m joking, she doesn’t actually bite. But if you try your luck too much she still might shoot you with a stun cannon, so play nice. We don’t have enough room at the infirmary for every hotshot that feels like playing chicken with the defense protocol.”
#GW2#Guild Wars 2#The Sidewinder#Tideturners AU#EoD Spoilers#mentions of major character death#so yeah! god this took so long to put together lmao#I wanted to have this together so she has a proper 'character page' of sorts...#+ it has a general timeline of the Tideturners and how they evolved...#anyway. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about Mai and the Sidewinder#becoming the Sidewinder is her second chance. an opportunity to be someone better.#Scarlet couldn't give her that. even Joon couldn't give her that. it was a decision she had to make for herself.#she isn't perfect. she's not a hero. she won't be the savior of the world.#but she does want to do right by the people who believe in her.#it's a bold new world and she's trying her best to deserve her position in it.#also ASP is really. really funny to write dialogue for i love her dearly#'This unit is not qualified to run an unsupervised health diagnostic. However if you sign this waiver I will be permitted to vaporize you.'#'Then health diagnostics will be irrelevant because you will be easily identifiable as deceased. Have a terrible day!'#Some kid asks her if hell is real and she says 'Yes and I'm in it.' what's it like? 'Customer service.'#literally just Discount GLaDos DJFHDKHDJ#also yes i took the time to take all those shots + did the color edits#+ designed the Tideturners emblem there too#anyway. time to stop before the tags get longer than the post
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i feel fucking wretched because i know most people with long covid don't even know they have it. don't even know long covid is a thing
#but like. the vitamin k post was fun to take the edge off#hoping i don't make a health tag#like here's the thing. my bloods are near perfect. occasionally they come back with 'slightly' low platelets.#but consistently i can very viscerally feel the impact of having my blood full of microclots. or not really having enough clotting at all!#because it used up all the blood chemicals that let it clot :))#and once my system's gotten rid of all the 'bad' blood it destroyed. i end up suddenly anemic#and it's a good thing i know what changes what because i had to renourish myself on the spot this morning. and b12 deficiency stupefies.#i went to the hospital like two days ago with a long covid flareup and i couldn't recall half my research#so i didn't even have the ability to identify it. and neither did they.
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sometimes i want to curl up into a ball and become as small as a toddler and just lose my shit (in a good way)
#🐬#LIKE...............#small things would seem big and big things would seem even bigger#PLUS people can easily hold you with 0 effort#i'm 5'10 and stomping my fuckIN FEEEEET#like i don't want this kind of thing for weird gross reasons#it's purely a result from missing the feeling of kicking my feet when my bed was cozy when i was little#but when i was little i couldn't really talk for shite so one of my older sisters had to translate for me often#literally even at 6 years old#this is wHY i have such a hard time identifying if a kid is 3 or 6 or 10 years old#i can't even remember how old i was in most of my memories when i was younger#i usually just give a bigass range of 5-12 but you and i both know that it all kind of blurs together and then i remember that i'm#almost 24 years old but it doesn't feel like i experienced much even though i've been alive for almost 24 years gsdfkbjkbdsfgj
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I still cry over Dream's sexuality Reddit post
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#sorry. i cant access twt and bluesky wasnt doing it for me (bc of the ppl there) but i need ta talk about elvis wtf 😭😭😭#i listened to burning love like probably 10 times today and i have this thing that i want to listen to a certain track on the album it first#came out#which i couldn't really identify cuz it was a single and i could find the record on spotify so i had to pick an album to make it the one i#listen to burning love#to loop it basically lmfao#and honestly???? that song is so good it makes me so happy and his voice is just fucking amazing ive always known that i knew it but this#time ive been hit by him so hard idk what happened but im enjoying it so much 😭😭 i also discovered this is a cover actually and i went#after the one who wrote it and sang it his name is Arthur i forgot his last name but he was also covered by the beatles and all these rock#white ppl like honestly its sad this happens all the time but im grateful he made this song cuz the melody os just beautiful and the energy#is there all the times i loveeee it so much!!! elvis makes his thing and also the band. the band enhances so much what he does it works so#well it makes my heart jump and feel shit right down my stomach it's instant dopamine serotonin and all the happy shit#ik this song is well known but honestly it is my fav. it's something about his deep ass voice and confidence and appeal that makes fall for#it. it's so attractive and addictive and it always fucking catches me im so happy im feeling like this byeeee#i wanna watch some videos of him before sleeping but i need to tidy my Things Hole. i was such in a good mood that i started cleaning it but#i didnt finish cuz my video finished exporting and ive been editing it until now and its almost 11pm and i need to put everything back but i#cant do it without wiping it all down and stuff i am gonna sleep late lmfao#anyways i love elvis :^)
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Forgiveness is something I didn't know could be so healing. I held onto the hate and it consumed so much of my life. It was the forgiveness and closure that found me healing and moving on.
#even if it was her forgiveness for such issues she couldn't remember or place#i found it so easy to extend it and continue moving on#the memories are foggier and they don't overwhelm me#i can identify triggers and ptsd and find comfort before i spiral#it took so much time and gathering new memories and family and forgiveness to finally see and feel better#it took so much time#and i am still near paralyzed by this trauma#i am barely in the begining of truly recovering#and i never wanted to be anywhere else
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bitches prolly out here psychoanalyzing my old art on behalf of my abuser to cushion their belief that im a Horrible Person but then dont see the irony when I point out the shitty things my abuser has drawn and how I see it as clear evidence of their mindset and beliefs (of what's okay to do and how to treat people) descending and pairing that along with everything else they've done and it paints a clear picture of how this person got to the point of thinking it was okay to abuse me the way they did and then the people looking for reasons to hate me through my art will act like "they're just drawings !!!" about their art. which one is it. does someones art say something about them or not? or does it only say something about them if you hate them?
#personally I think me making fun of a douchey type of dude is less bad than drawing 'rape is fun' but yknow#ig I can just weigh the gravity of how bad each thing is accurately idk#vent#'yeah but you started to identify with the douche bag character !!' well- even before i realized I wanted to be him- the plot was#already that he was going to grow out of being a dick. him and mj were going to help eachother realize their flaws and become better#to eachother and everyone else. so by the time i DID realize I wanted to be a guy I already had in mind the mature version of him#floating around but I didn't really post about it bc I didn't want to spoil anything at the time#and it took me a LONG TIME to accept that I wanted to be snake. I was trans before that. and then when I was close to accepting it#I had that whole 'lsd' thing that made me slink back into my shell bc the people I was around made me feel like I would never be a guy#so instead I figured if I couldn't be snake then the next best thing was to be *with* him and started to self ship myself w him and he#evolved even more into an even more mature version of him that by the time I got out on the other side of feeling like I couldn't#be a guy I had this more serious and mature version of him in my mind and started to accept that I wanted to be him and basically was him#and just didn't know bc that version of snake was more like me than the one I made in 2013/14#in 2013/14 I was only ever considering my comic in the context of some sort of comedy and just wanted to make a douchey character#to make fun of bc I had a lot of douchey people in my life who I felt like needed to be knocked down a peg and I figured the best way#to do that was to make an example out of them via the old version of snake and have him be an overly confident asshole whos hubris#often gets himself humbled even if hes too prideful to accept or admit it#at this point in time I didn't really see much of myself in any of my ocs. maybe a lil bit in mj and (mostly)peaches bc I didn't know it wa#ok to id with a guy... but even when I did subconsciously id with him here n there...i didnt relate to snakes douchey-ness like at all.#sometimes I jokingly act like a douche but again its for the same reason that I made snake a douche back then in the first place-#to make fun of people like that- to hopefully show them how foolish they are by me mirroring them or. alternatively. making people#laugh at me acting that way because pretending to act like a douche is easier to enjoy and laugh at than dealing w an actual douche#i'd do it with my ex-bestfriend all the time- I made snake such a dick because we'd laugh about it together and bc we wanted to make#fun of the dicks around us who lacked any self awareness and if not that any actual fuck about how lame and shitty they come off#what can I say. it's fun to mock people sometimes.#when I actually started to accept it my first pic I drew of him being obviously trans was in 2016... soo a couple months before I remet#my abuser...#which honestly explains why that whole relationship was so rough on me. I had just finally accepted myself and then this person comes#along and tries to smear me and gaslight me into thinking im Horrible for who I am. like. hello???????#my first time fully being myself was with them and their friend group and they all accepted me until their cult leader told them not to
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i can't tell if the relationship my roommate has w her bf is good or bad
#chatterye#i don't really understand the dynamic ??#to be fair not a lot of healthy couples around me so i really couldn't be less qualified to identify the state of someones relationship#but it feels like there's a disconnect to me most the time#idk though i barely know 'em
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there is nothing new about my being in such a kind of pain that it makes me sick, i think it gets old to mention it.
#spent today in my room.#abject failure... i wanted to shower.#it is nobody's fault but my own that i am pathetic.#i don't even say that with contempt it is a neutral statement.#or it just feels that way to me.#i don't know.#forcing myself to front is just not working for me.#i am bored i am unable to find interest i am easily discouraged et cetera.#i don't know. i took my medication late because i woke up late because i couldn't sleep last night.#the pressure in my head is nauseating.#i don't want to eat. i just want to sleep.#i don't even want to sleep though.#it feels like every decision is wrong.#i don't know why i feel this way. i hate mindless back-and-forth indecision.#i am not panicked or scared. not in a way that changes my heartbeat at least.#internally i just seem to be frenzied.#i will feel better when i am no longer... i don't know.#i don't know what will make me feel better.#obligatory i am not going to kill myself or whatever. that would be stupid.#i just feel generally quite terrible but not in a way that makes me sad or want to cry.#or even able to identify the causes.#i feel like i am years younger and not in a good way. psychologically i seem to have returned to bedlam that i am no longer used to.#it makes me unhappy to feel like that.#other part asks what is bothering me. like we are not in the present day anymore. it is so awful.#''What is bothering you'' what year is it? are my emotions obfuscated to myself? what is this nightmare.#delete later.#complete drivel.
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