#so 15x20 doesn’t exist for me

[thenameisgul]

My Dean Winchester headcanon is that, although he’s a repressed bisexual who wouldn’t touch feelings with a ten foot pole to save his life;

but once he accepts that he is infact in love with Castiel, he will accept it. he would be shameless about it

it would be impossible for him to keep his hands to himself

he’d be sitting at a diner playing footsy with Cas, will accidentally hit sam in the shin and give a shit eating grin when sam gets mad

he’d kiss Cas when he enters the room and will kiss him again when he leaves

he’d purposefully grab and smack Cas’ ass just to annoy Claire because she keeps gagging and calling them old

he’d grab Cas’ thigh under the cushion slowly moving upwards while they’re watching a movie with Jack sitting right next to Cas just to make Cas flustered

Dean Winchester doesn’t allow himself to love because he’s scared but once he does he would be the most unabashedly loving boyfriend/love of Cas’ life and no one can convince me otherwise

[destieltaggedfic]

Hi! I love ur account. I’ve found so many awesome fics from here. I was wondering if you knew of any fics where during the widower arc dean wears a wedding ring for Cas and then Cas returns and dean forgets he’s wearing it and Cas sees it and is like “??” And dean is just like “ummm”. It can be explicit or not but I’ve been searching forever but apparently don’t know what I’m doing. Thanks!!!

ooooh Widower Arc for the wedding ring, I swear I read one just a few weeks ago, Dean was wearing his but had one he'd bought for Cas secretly on a chain under his clothes, but can I find it again? No. Interestingly even the fics that exist where they were secretly together Dean rarely wears a ring while Cas is dead. There is a few for post 15x18 obviously, and I'll link to a few of those.

Post 15x18

his voice a familiar sound - s7jacket (QueenTheatrics)   Ao3

Set 15x20 didn’t happen AU.  He knows its been a while since his death, but Cas doesn’t expect the very suburban looking house and for Dean to answer the door with a wedding ring and a baby.  But all isn’t what it first appears.

Word Count: 3k                                 Non-Graphic Sex

Early Mornings, New Beginnings Series – RedNotice   Ao3

15x20 didn’t happen AU. All that Dean has left is a necklace made of grace that Cas had given him in exchange of the mixed tape.  Somehow it had become a ring.  A ring that Dean never takes off.

Word Count: 7k                                 No Sex

A Second Grace – sometimeswelose   Ao3

15x20 didn’t happen AU.  When he surfaces from the worst of his grief, Dean buys a house, turn his barn into a bar and starts wearing a ring in honour of Cas. 

Word Count: 27k                              Non-Graphic Sex

your claim on me keeps me breathing - Ender_of_Pathel   Ao3

Set 15x20 didn’t happen AU.  After a lady hits on Dean during a case, Dean goes looking for his old ring to wear so people know he’s taken.  Even if he hasn’t managed to get Cas back yet.

Word Count: 1k                                 No Sex

Refers to Cas as his husband

Partners, but not in the cowboy sense – mirandamyth   Ao3

15x20 didn’t happen AU.  In the wake of Cas’ death, Dean accepts how he feels and starts referring to himself as a widower and starts to travel rather than hunt.

Word Count: 4k                                 No Sex

BTW, thanks for making me wade through a bunch of grieving Dean fics for this. [thumbs up crying cat.jpeg]

And I love the Dean just decided the easiest way of explaining why he's behaving like this is because he had a now dead husband and wears a ring for Cas, so if there are any I've missed, please send them through (Especially that one I mentioned)

[wigglebox]

okay, final predictions for the finale rant/ramble/whatever you want

Questions answered

i don’t believe literally everything is going to be answered simply bc there has to be a balance when you don’t know if you’re gonna get another season. i personally believe that there has to be a balance of some questions answered with some still remaining simply bc for every percent of a chance you have of NOT continuing, you have a chance OF continuing. 

So here are the questions i think will get answered:

We’ll figure out where they are in terms of space and time

We’ll figure out a LITTLE bit as to why Dean is doing what he’s doing 

We’ll figure out who the Akrida Queen is 

Here are some of my musings going into the finale:

I personally believe everything is taking place in The Empty. If you’re new around here, I am a BIIIIIIIG subscriber of the Chuck Won theory, and in order for this theory to work in my head, I need it so that Dean was never actually in Heaven when it came to 15x20. Neither was Cas. 

It’s my personal opinion, and I’ve chatted about this on @endofthebookpod with @jewishdeanwinchester and @evergreencowboy who also have brought this idea up, so i guess it’s a collective opinion lmao, that this is all taking place in the empty. 

There’s also the First Draft theory that @evergreencowboy has mentioned on the podcast way back in the beginning and that we keep mentioning because it can also coexist and blend with the theory that they’re all in the empty. 

I think theories of this taking place in The Empty were solidified with the last episode and Limbo and the circus and all that. Fake happiness, accepting and processing reality to snap out of it and break free, etc etc. 

So yes, I do believe they’re in The Empty. I’ve been hoping that Dean’s been in The Empty for a long long while, even before the show, given the Chuck Won theory. It will make me SO happy if this is where this is all taking place. 

I don’t believe Cas will be seen. 

This may be an unpopular opinon but I don’t want any Destiel reciprocation on screen until the continuation. I personally want the prequel to exist as its own thing with some character development for Dean in the background. 

Now, I don’t mind parallalels and threads to Destiel — we’ve even gotten those already — and I don’t mind Dean mourning or mentioning Cas. But, I physically don’t want to see him until there’s an Empty rescue primed and ready to happen in the continuation. 

I am aware of the fact that Cas is awake in the Empty, everyone and everything is, however it feels like it’s too soon to reunite Dean and Cas on screen and I wouldn’t want that happening on a spin-off — i need it to happen in a continuation. 

However, it would be very sweet if there were mentions/threads/insinuations to the relationship/how dean feels, etc etc — with just the knowledge that Cas doesn’t know it yet. 

But, above all else, I really want this show to exist as its own thing and as world building and rule building for how the Empty works if that’s indeed where they are. The Empty has virtually no rules for its existence other than a select few from OG SPN so if this is indeed The Empty, a pocket universe inside The Empty, what have you — then I would hope that more rules are established for it. 

Questions remaining

Here are my questions remaining and that IDK if they’ll get answered in the finale but I’m okay if they aren’t

Why is Carlos so associated with death imagery?

Was John talking with anyone when he ‘died’ for a hot second in the vampire episode? And if so, who?

Who is The Witness? [I think if they’re real it’s either Chuck or it’s Dean] 

Are these the real John and Mary? 

What exactly are the Akrida? Does The Empty hold them and since Jack woke everything up, they’re out and about?

Are Gabriel, Chuck, and Rowena OUR Gabriel, Chuck and Rowena? Or are they actually from the 70s? [my guess is that they are ours, and that’s why we’re in The Empty]

Is Betty an Angel?

Why does Dean have the samulet dangling from his car?

Why isn’t Sam there?

Where TF is Deanna?

--

Okay I think that’s it for now. I probably have more. 

But lord I’m so excited for tonight. 

[super-flan]

… Until then, I’ll keep picking the music.

When Dean says those words at the end of the The Winchesters pilot & goes off driving Baby down that 2 lane road, I initially thought it meant he was driving Baby in Heaven & that Dean is talking to us during the drive he had in Heaven before Sam arrives. (Assuming 15x20 exists, tho it doesn’t)

Now I’m not so sure. Specially since I found out that every episode’s title is also the title of a song. Meaning, he’s picking the songs we’re listening to. Meaning Dean’s the driver, we’re riding shotgun & he’s driving the story however he sees fit.

In the beginning of the pilot Dean said the story might sound familiar “but I’m gonna put the pieces together in a way that just might surprise you.” This implies that there’s more than one way to put these pieces together. More than one version of the story.

We’re getting Dean’s version. The one he’s driving. The one where he’s picking the music & the music he pics is the ep we see.

Being the music obsessed nerd that I am, I decided to carefully listen to the song that gives each ep its title to see what it tells us about the characters, the episode, where the season is going, the SPN universe in general…

Let’s begin with the pilot.

Now the pilot doesn’t have a song title.

So I listened to the songs in it & I found one that I think is the equivalent.

I’d Love to Change the World by Ten Years Later.

We listen to this song twice in the episode.

This is song that’s playing when John steps off the bus. It’s our introduction to John, to this younger version of John that just got back from the war.

The song describes the counterrevolution, the older generation complaining about social changes, about “freaks & hairies”, “dykes & fairies”. It is what the singer refers to when he says “I’d like to change the world”.

I see John as both. This present John is one who wants to change the world, but doesn’t know what to do & yet the rest of the lyrics is who he will become, which is the opposite of what he wants in this moment.

Another thing I find interesting viewing this song as our introduction to John. Is the chorus.

I’d love to change the world / But I don’t know what to do / So I’ll leave it up to you

Which is what John did. He left it up to his children, specially Dean to change or save the world the way he couldn’t or didn’t know what to do.

We hear the song again at the end of the pilot when we see Dean next to Baby on that mysterious two lane road.

Now besides us riding shotgun & listening to this story Dean is driving, we hear this song, which makes me think he’s talking to someone else as well.

Here I think Dean is the one who wants to change the world, change the past, change the story, but he doesn’t know what to do. So he’s leaving it up to…

[autisticcasforthewin]

Saw a picture of sickly Dean and realised I needed to rewatch faith and like every time I forget how insane it makes me feel

Dean out of everyone in that tent being picked because of “God’s will”

“I’m not a believer”

“You will be son, you will be” and the way he says it so sure actually makes me insane

Like yeah he’ll learn all of it is real Heaven, angels and God himself but he won’t believe in it because why would he but eventually (let’s pretend 15x20 doesn’t exist) he’ll believe in the people around him and most of all Cas.

And this early it makes me insane because they didn’t know Cas was going to exist until after the writer’s strike and I can’t really be coherent in my point because faith is just like that

[gayhuckleberryinatrenchcoat]

EXACTLY!!

Okay actually I am scared of them not bringing Cas back cause of scheduling issues or something (cause obvs Jensen would bring him back since he already wanted to do so for The Winchesters)

Or worse: bringing him back and acting like nothing happened and like 15x18 never existed and going full straight “we’re like brothers”.

BUT if there’s even a tiny chance they do better than 15x20 I want to see it (and it REALLY isn’t hard to do better than that shitshow, bring Cas back, establish that he and Dean are just as close as before and maybe give me a little hand holding or “me too Cas” with a tight hug, that’s all I need to heal from the trauma of 15x20).

And everyone who doesn’t want another season: just don’t fucking watch it!

People who are scared of the idea of more Supernatural. What exactly are you afraid of. Sam with a slightly better hairline? Cas going to mega superhell? Blurry wife is actually Eileen's sister? They'll murder Dean again?

[winchester-reload]

Hi! I've been a huge supernatural and destiel fan for many years and also identify as bi and lately I've been wondering why did so many lgbti+ people loved spn and destiel when the show had very little representation and basically did queerbatting. I would love to read your thoughts on that

Anon, I can literally see thousands of posts from over the years, flash by my eyes as you ask me this. All of them, answered by people way more qualified than I. It is, absolutely, the all-consuming question for the ages, and it certainly hasn’t subsided with the conclusion of the show.

My answer? Subtext. And before you get all up-in-arms about subtext not being part of "canon”, I challenge you to name a good story that hasn’t relied on it. I challenge you to name a story that doesn’t have it at all. I actually challenge you to take a moment from your own life that doesn’t require subtext to properly understand.

Subtext is the story that happens in between the words. It is, at its core, a necessary component to any story, but especially a story whose narrator is unreliable: IE: Dean Winchester.

Now, there are gonna be people who jump on this post and point out to be that Sam was the main character of Supernatural, and I’ll tip my hat, and refill my whiskey, and remind them that that was only true for the first few seasons. Dean was quick to take over as the main narrator from there, and I won't get into why because I don’t know for sure. I can only venture a guess. 

But I do know how a story works.

And in Supernatural, the story includes monsters and demons. Angels and wars, but mostly, there is love. Love, and the difficulties associated with it: Both familial and romantic.

This love, it wreaks havoc for Sam.

It wreaks havoc for Dean...

Oh, shit, look at this, it wreaks a helluva lot of havoc for Castiel. So much havoc, in fact, that he ends up fundamentally changing as a character, canonically falling in love with Dean, and saving the entire world because of it. 

Dean, himself, is so utterly consumed by his own love for Cas that they can’t even show Castiel’s character on screen again without outing him.

 “Now, Jackie,” you might say (condescendingly). “Your twisted desiel mind is extrapolating.” 

Maybe, but I just don’t think so. Because, the truth is, Cas cannot be changed as much as he is without Dean being changed too. The reality is, love is built. It does not exist in a vacuum. In order for Cas to get where he is at the point of 15x18 when he sacrificed himself to the knowledge that he’s in love with Dean, it necessarily had to be built off of the give and take he’d experienced from Dean himself. Whatever Cas had, it became stronger with what Dean gave him, and vice versa. Strong enough, that together they were able to save everyone, even if Cas could not, in the end, save himself. 

And you could make the argument that unrequited love exists, and I’ll agree with you wholeheartedly, but Dean and Castiel are a poor example of this. 

The love between them is very much requited throughout the show, illustrated through: Dean’s consuming alcoholism when Cas is dead, carrying the coat around from car to car, the mixtape ffs, I could seriously go on. The argument that it’s not requited is a straw man. If you have any ability to read narrative at all, you can see that they love each other. If what you need for confirmation is akin to an Apple User Agreement, then I’m sorry, you’ve just got a pair of intentional blinders strapped to your face and I have no interest in humoring you.

Just because Dean was never able to voice his truth in the same was Cas was, doesn’t mean it’s not still there in the rune work. If I, anon, identify as bi, am I not still bi even if the people to whom I speak do not know? Do they need to be told in order for it to be true? Or does the truth have intrinsic value?

If not, then I’ll certainly throw down the argument that it’s confirmed through the intentional textual scrubbing of 15x20 and ultimate death of Dean written in lieu of self actualization and catharsis. 

So, I guess my answer would be, it drew lgbtq+ people because it was about lgbtq+ people, even if the showrunners refused to accept it.* 

* Though there’s plenty of evidence that at least some of them were not only aware but also actively pushing for it.

[naruhearts]

I’m done keeping my composure.

Sorry, this will be a LOADED post! (And I’ll be repeating the points others have made)

for real, to everyone being nasty and telling heartbroken fans that “Dean was always supposed to die get a grip you’re just butthurt etcetera etcetera—” F you royally.

How dare you police the brutal feelings that’s been embroiling us since the Finale That Must Not Be Named aired. 

The show you think you all watched, the show you all believe was the same SPN from Season 1-4, changed at some point. Kripke wrote his original vision, put it to screen, saw it through in S5 as he intended, and closed the door on that era.

In 2008, Supernatural was adopted and inherited. As you know, there was a supreme paradigm shift post-Kripke era. The show FLOURISHED (we won’t talk about Gamble thanks). It evolved, transformed, grew beyond trauma-induced self-worthlessness and toxic masculinity and endless death and hegemonic social ideals and conservatism and repressive anti-revolutionary ideas. Castiel, the iconic favourite and beloved staple of the series portrayed by Misha Collins, was introduced in Season 4 as the core lead character, and he ushered in a brand new era of Christian mythos that SPN took advantage of. Longevity SKYROCKETED. Audiences were INTERESTED. SPN amassed an incredibly groundbreaking fanbase infused by non-nuclear principles. A massive subversive wave began, fighting the Status Quo of the times since 2008. It’s precisely why such an abysmal ending to a show of extensive Freud-Jungian metanarratively meta META complex stature and social POWER will render us totally and unbearably broken for years to come.

Point is, DEAN WINCHESTER NO LONGER WANTED TO DIE. HE WANTED TO LIVE. HE WANTED TO SIT ON THE BEACH, PLUNGE HIS TOES IN THE SAND, AND SIP UMBRELLA DRINKS WITH HIS BROTHER AND HIS BEST FRIEND. He said this in Season 13. And then, a season later, he told the ghost of his long-deceased father — the source of his deep-running trauma and the figure of self-reductive authoritarianism permeating his arc since Season 1 — after being questioned why he didn’t pursue the Nuclear Fam, that he already has his own: his brother Sam, his adopted child Jack, and Cas.

Dean’s best friend Cas. Oh god, Cas, who made his inevitably permanent mark on Dean’s soul beyond allyship. Castiel, renamed to Cas, God’s -iel removed by Dean. Dean, the human spark that lit the fire of pre-existing autonomy in the inherently rebellious angel who was, this entire time, the catalyst for free will in God The Writer’s puppet show. Their friendship set on goddamn fire. I can also write paragraph upon paragraph about my love for Cas while devastated tears stream down my face, but I digress—

Cas’ romantic love for Dean pushed our main Heart of SPN to love himself. Love is free will. Free will is also love. Of note, Cas’ love confession in 15x18 was supposed to offset something so vastly important and fundamental...to maybe (read: most likely) pull the trigger on SELF-TRUTHS in conjunction with free will. And The Great Anticipated Follow-Up to the episode penned by the passionate Berens should have included (read: seemed like it was going to be) Dean, closeted trauma survivor in love with his best friend, being given the opportunity to do it right: to SPEAK HIS TRUTH, and then that very singular opportunity was STOLEN so grossly. After poring over it for days, I refuse to believe we made their years-long story up out of thin air, spun it out of fantastical-delusional dream cotton candy, because we DIDN’T. IT WAS REAL.

As I said in another post: “I’ve just been feeling physically ill for the past >40 something hours with the terrible knowledge that 19/20 undid years of vital progression towards healthy interdependence, autonomy, and a positive endgame, where Sam, Dean and Cas close the ring of found family in final empowering self-fulfillment...where Dean, no longer repressed and set free, is able to use his words and speak his truth as a queercoded trauma survivor, henceforth confirming and self-affirming his own bisexuality since S1 by reciprocating — by telling Cas that he always loved him, too, loved him endlessly, which would have altogether divested Supernatural of its cult status and catapulted it into global worldwide significance as the longest running sci-fi genre show in American broadcasting history that actually dared to defy and, by proxy, empower LGBTQ2IA+ everywhere who found profound personal meaning in Destiel through VALIDATION,” — found themselves mirrored in Dean and Cas’ respective character journeys individually and as each other’s queer love interests.

THIS IS WHY DEAN WASN’T MEANT TO DIE.

THEY WERE SO ESSENTIAL, NOT JUST TO THE OVERARCHING STORY AND HEALTHY INTERPERSONAL THEMATICS OF MODERN SPN, BUT ALSO TO THE SOULS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ACROSS THE WORLD WHO FOLLOWED THEIR JOURNEYS, HOPED FOR THEM, ASPIRED TO BE LIKE THEM, TREASURED THEM, WEEPED FOR THEM, AND FOUGHT FOR THEM, LIKE YOU AND ME.

Heck, how could anyone think Sam Winchester had a well-deserved characteristic ending? He didn’t. Dean’s brother was shafted so badly. He stopped hunting when seasons ago, he had canonically accepted that he no longer wanted an apple pie life. He simply...turned the lights off in a resoundingly empty bunker and left — abandoning his dead brother’s room — never to return (he did return later to get the Impala, family photos etc, I mean this symbolically)...as if — dare I say it — Supernatural itself eerily told us, in the negative-spaced pitch blackness, that the organic show and the wonderfully complex, matured characters we’ve grown to love weren’t going to survive or be revisited...that it was all going to perish, and that they no longer gave a single shit about their own show, which, to me, is the worst cardinal sin, because how dare they throw Team Free Will, an immovable and indomitable and passionate found family they built from the ground up, a found family CHOCK FULL TO THE BRIM OF LOVE AND LIFE RAGING AGAINST THE AUTHORITARIAN MACHINE IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE FREE WILL, under the bus no matter who is to blame. Growth was stomped on.

Then Sam married a faceless wife who wasn’t his textually established (and deaf) love interest Eileen, named his son Dean Jr., and grew old miserably, still mourning the passing of his older brother, shaken and sombre. Back to square one. IT WAS ALL ANTITHETICAL, even OUTSIDE a shipping context, and I ripped my hair out at this point in sheer disbelief.

This 15x20 ending would have fit somewhere between S4-7. Now? IT DOESN’T FIT. IT’S A JAGGED PUZZLE PIECE THAT DOESN’T BELONG ANYWHERE. IT’S THE FOREBODING UNKNOWN STRANGER IN ITS OWN LAND, BOTH LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. This kind of ending was basically an illogical, unsound cluster of metastasized cells that, to me, ruined the viability of previous seasons to sustain bold praise and respect and dignity and rewatches and classic nostalgia in such insidious ways.

Dean Humanity Winchester and Cas, after everything they’ve been through, were silenced and lost in death, ripped apart from each other, unable to love each other the way they deserved, because of disappointing, vile incompetency and homophobia. The greatest love story ever told, again obliterated in less than 60 hollow minutes.

You know what this tells your audience, CW SPN? Death without self-growth is the way to go, and no one is allowed to forge their own path to freedom.

HOW INSULTINGLY HARMFUL IS THAT?

I don’t think I’ll ever stop grieving.

We all deserve answers.

[clairenatural]

destiel, 1.4k. another post-series (15x20 coda?) of the Heaven reunion, this one with trueform!cas :)

“Cas helped.”

Dean looks up at that, and Bobby is looking at him with an easy smile, and Dean waits for the inevitable rush of oh God does he know—but it doesn’t come. He starts to understand what this “at peace” thing is all about.

“Yeah?” he answers, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Is he, uh. Here?”

Bobby turns his smirk back on his beer bottle. “He’ll be along.”

Dean looks from Bobby to the impala, sitting clean and shiny in front of Harvelle’s, and then on to the dirt road that stretches off into the distance. He nods, begins to stand. “I’m gonna go for a drive,” he mumbles to Bobby, who just nods absently and watches him leave.

The Impala is warm, familiar. Grounding. The keys are on the passenger seat, on top of the same box of cassette tapes he’d had since he was 26. He’s glad to have it with him—he hopes Sam is taking good care of the real thing. He hopes Sam has Eileen riding shotgun, Miracle panting in the back. He smiles. They’re all in good hands.

Dean turns on the stereo and the opening bars of Ramble On fill the car, and he realizes the tape playing is the only one that hasn’t been in the box from the beginning. It makes his heart ache—he’s not meant to be listening to this alone. More than anything, though, it reminds him what—who—he’s driving to.

He’ll be along.

Dean drives for what feels like hours but could only be a few minutes—and time doesn’t really exist up here, anyway. He just drives, and the scenery around him shifts with every passing mile, and he doesn’t know where he’s going but he knows he’s driving until.

Until ends up being a field off the highway that opens up in front of him as he turns the bend. The sky darkens as he pulls up, and it’s a clearer night sky than he’d ever seen down below, and it looks just like one of the fields Cas would always make him pull over at on the way back from a hunt, just for a few minutes, just to see the stars.

He pulls the car into the shoulder and steps out, walks until he’s in the middle of the field, and stops. He looks up—but he is up, and how do you pray to a place you’re already in?

“Cas—” he starts, but he’s barely done with the syllable before a cold wind blows past him and he feels something behind him. A presence. Him.

Okay, so maybe he was overthinking the praying part.

Dean turns slowly, and all his breath leaves his body at the sight of the angel before him. He doesn’t know what he was expecting—he’s in Heaven, obviously, and angels, well—this is just what they look like. And this angel, well—

Castiel is towering. Approximately the size of your Chrysler building, Dean remembers. He’s many-headed, a mass of wings and eyes, a being made of pure light. Dean half expects him to start with be not afraid, but he doesn’t—he doesn’t say anything—and Dean isn’t afraid. This is right, he thinks. This is beautiful.

“Castiel,” Dean breathes, the full name leaving his lips for the first time in years, and the angel glows brighter at the sound of it.

Hello, Dean. He speaks without speaking, as if the words are being projected straight into Dean’s mind. His whole body reverberates with them. You’re early.

Dean smiles, and it’s a bittersweet thing. “Yeah, sorry about that. I wasn’t too eager to get up here, either.”

He can’t explain what, but something about the angel feels sad.

“You, uh—last time, you kinda left in a rush. Didn’t let me say anything,” he continues, both to shut down any more death talk and also because if he doesn’t say anything now he’ll chicken out for another century.

My apologies. I wasn’t intending on seeing you again.

Dean throws both his arms out. “That’s the point, man! You can’t just drop something like that on a guy and die.” There’s something almost absurd about chastising an Angel of the Lord in his true form, but Dean doesn’t care. His whole damn life had been absurd.

There’s a silence. Dean can almost see the way Cas would be shifting on his feet, if he still had feet to shift on.

I’ll try not to do it again, he says, finally, and Dean can’t help but grin.

“Yeah, you better not. At least not without letting me tell you that I love you too, you asshole.”

There wasn’t much sound to begin with, but any ambient noise around stops. For the first time since he arrived Heaven is silent, except for a low buzzing he slowly realizes is coming from the being in front of him. He suddenly remembers sparks of electricity and shattering lightbulbs.  

You love me?

Dean laughs again, nervous now. “Yeah, I do. I mean—I have. You know. For…a while.”

There’s another moment that is too still, too quiet, before Castiel moves—something that could be a wing reaches out for him, and Dean should be terrified, but he’s not. He lets the light touch his cheek and closes his eyes. It’s warm. It’s pure.

Slowly, the light-wing becomes more and more solid, more and more hand-shaped, until Dean feels the weight of a human palm on his face. He opens his eyes and meets familiar blue ones. He grins. “Heya, Cas.”

There’s still an apprehension in Cas’ eyes, which Dean hates. “You love me,” he repeats, out loud this time.

“Yeah,” Dean confirms.

“I don’t understand.” Cas drops his hand from Dean’s face but Dean catches it in his own, links their fingers together.

“It’s three words, Cas. Pretty self-explanatory.”

“But you said it to my true—to me.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Well, yeah, dumbass. I love you.”

Cas is still staring at him like something isn’t clicking. He takes a deep breath. “Dean, you know that—what I said, just saying it, that was enough…I don’t need you to—"

“Hey, Cas?” Dean cuts him off, and he stops rambling. “You know what you said, about wanting something you can’t have?”

Cas nods.

“I’m telling you that you can have it.”

Cas blinks at him, and then it’s like everything slides into place, and he’s grinning and reaching back up for Dean’s face, and then—then they’re kissing. Dean is in literal Heaven, kissing an angel, and it’s—well. It’s perfect.

When they finally move apart, it’s not far, and Cas doesn’t drop his hands. Dean leans their foreheads together and they stay there, breathing together, until Cas breaks the silence.

“I was going to come back.” Dean has his eyes closed but he opens them at that.

“Hmm?”

“I was going to come back,” Cas repeats, louder this time, pulling back enough to look Dean in the eye. “Dean, I promise—Jack needed help repairing Heaven, but after that I was going to come back to you. And Sam. I just didn’t expect—”

Dean gets it. He does. “Hey, I didn’t either.”

Cas shakes his head, as if Dean isn’t getting it. “Yes, but, if I had been there—”

And nope. No. They’re not going there. “Cas,” Dean cuts him off, stern but not unkind. “It’s okay. You weren’t, and it happened, and that’s—it’s okay.”

“Is it?” Cas is staring at him, earnest and sad, and the sadness is heavy, and—well. No, it’s not.

“It’s not—I ain’t too thrilled about being dead, alright? But it also ain’t your fault, and I figure I’ve got an eternity to mourn myself, so…” Dean tightens his hold around Cas’ waist. “Can we just. Have this, right now?”

Cas smiles at him, and it’s still sad, but it’s a start. He strokes his thumb along Dean’s cheekbone. “We can have it forever,” he promises. 

Dean smiles back as he leans in again.

[castiel-left-his-mark-on-me]

Hi, Ary, very inactive ex-mutual(i think???) here. Good to see you thriving! ♥ It's been a while since I've dipped my head into cockles stuff. Could I perchance maybe ask uuuuum tf is going on??? lol I see Mish apparently confirmed he used to stay over at Jensen's in Van, and heard newbs were apparently freaking out about it and getting a bit messy, which I get that, business as usual. But I'm also seeing shit about spin-offs? And Jared getting in a twitter fight with Jensen, causing/resulting in stans to going feral and sending hate?? I know you're not as big a fan of Jar, but that's part of why I figured I'd ask you, you usually have a really level head about this kinda stuff. If you don't wanna answer publically, or at all, that's totally chill!

Hey, Rhi! We're still mutuals! Of course we're still mutuals! When I saw the notification of your ask, I was like "Hey! I haven't seen you in a while!" and my husband was like "???" and I said "Tumblr" and he said "Oh."

It was a wild time haha.

In any case, welcome back to the dumpster fire! We are obviously still a mess. So to catch you up, I guess I will start by summarizing both before and after the finale (not sure where you left off so this might be redundant for you) ... basically, it became obvious as the end of the show neared that Jensen was not on board with the plan for the finale; although Jared never stopped singing its praises.

We got confirmation of this during a zoom interview where Jensen said that he actually went into the writers room as well as called Kripke to basically voice how he didn't agree with the direction the final season was going, but he was shot down on all fronts. In another interview, he was asked "What would you tell your younger self going into this career?" And Jensen responded with: "I would tell myself to just keep your head down and do the work" meaning, "Don't try to change things because you can't." I also think that this whole situation is what he wrote "Let Me Be" about for his first Radio Company album, but that is just my own speculation. All of his reluctance, even though he always followed it up with "But I eventually saw the value in the script" or "I came around in the end" (which never sounded sincere, and I don't think he was really trying to sound sincere) made us all very nervous about what was to come for 15x20; and of course, when the last two episodes aired, we saw just how badly they fucked it up.

After the awful finale, the entire fandom became aware of the CW's heavy handed role in the thing, basically squeezing all the life out of SPN to shape it into a ramp from which Walker could launch itself. They not only erased all the love and joy and representation that Cas's love confession gave us, they also tore apart the things that made sense about the bond between Sam and Dean, making it really just about Sam-- and therefore Jared, which of course, Jared seemed to be fine with ... even though no one else was. Misha barely said anything during the finale, and a few of the other actors talked about the show ending in various posts, but Jared tweeted up a storm ... and Jensen? Jensen just sat in sexy-silent resentment of the whole thing. He didn't tweet, he didn't post, he didn't say a word once he no longer had to, and I think that's because he was already going full-steam-ahead on his plans for redemption.

Which brings us to Chaos Machine-- Jensen and Danneel's new production company that is being run by a queer creative director and has a mantra of inclusivity and representation woven throughout it's fabric; and apparently, the first story that Jensen wanted to tell through this new platform is the origin story of Sam and Dean's parents; so last week (?) he announced the upcoming production of "The Winchesters" -- the untold love story of John and Mary. Obviously, John is not the most likable character from the show, so the idea was met with a lot of resentment when it was first announced, but Jensen has gone on to say that he is excited to take on the task of telling the "true" story behind these characters-- the one that makes sense with the pre-established canon and doesn't reject it. So, given that, the idea is being mulled over with a bit more optimism from the fandom.

Who isn't being optimistic though?

Jared Padalecki.

When Jensen made this announcement on Twitter, many of his friends and coworkers congratulated him, but not Jared. Jared responded with a passive aggressive: "I'm happy for you, man, but I wish I didn't hear about it through Twitter." This of course, sent all the die-hard Jared fans into a tizzy and they immediately began asking him if he was serious (hoping it was just a joke-- we all hoped it was because there would be fallout no matter what one's opinion on Jared is). Instead of leaving it there though or just deleting that tweet, Jared went on to tweet some more, saying that he was being serious that he didn't know about the plans for the prequel, and that he was "gutted" that Sam apparenlty wouldn't be included (mind you, this a prequel to SPN... meaning BEFORE Sam and Dean were even born, so how could Sam be included? But Dean is apparently narrating this story so maybe Jared thought Sam should be helping to narrate it? I don't know). But Jared being Jared couldn't just leave that there, he then went on to tweet at Robbie Thompson who was announced as a writer for "The Winchesters" so then Jared went off on him too, calling him "Brutus" and a "coward" acting like Robbie betrayed him (speculation is-- Robbie refused to write for Walker, so Jared is pissed that he essentially chose Jensen over him). He did fairly quickly, remove that tweet attacking Robbie, but of course the damage was done at that point. And it truly only took his first tweet calling out Jensen for some people to be like "Jared-- that sucks if you didn't know but why are you saying any of this publicly?"

As you might know, Jared has had issues in the past with posting hurtful things on social media, and has even used it as a tool for attack before-- calling out customer service agents and public workers that he felt have wronged him, which is bad enough ... but for him to then do the same thing to his best friend of well over a decade? Many people who had once liked him or at least gave him the benefit of the doubt (I used to ...) stopped after this latest twitter tantrum.

However, some people have suspected for some time that J2 had a falling out either shortly before the finale or just after. Their public/social media interactions have seemed awkward, stilted or even non-existent in moments that they normally wouldn't be. In the past year, when Walker premiered, Jensen didn't say much about his friend's new venture other than a "Congrats. buddy" here and there. Later, we learned that Jensen refused to work on the show ... Jared said he make him do it, drag Jensen to the set "kicking and screaming" which made many fans quirk up an eyebrow because, why would Jensen put up a fight unless the two weren't as close as they used to be? And then Jensen moved his family to Colorado (either permanently or for an extended period at least) which is notable considering how he moved to Texas seemingly to be closer to Jared, even buying a house that was near his. All this was just speculation though; but it wasn't until Jared's tweet complaining about not knowing about the prequel that the theories behind them falling out, became less theory and more fact.

The day after his twitter tantrum, Jared tweeted again-- not retracting his statements or apologizing, but instead saying that he and Jensen "talked" and were "all good". Jensen then tweeted too, parroting this statement to some degree, which only made the whole thing even more sour in the mouths of the fans. The fact that Jared didn't apologize for his outburst and throwing his friend under the bus, and also the fact that Jensen-- Mr. Sexy Silence, Mr. Never Tweets, Mr. Tech-Ignorant-and-Proud, actually had to POST SOMETHING saying that he and Jared made up, it just screamed OPTICS. It was obviously the work of agents and PR firms and lots of people going "Look, if you two keep beefing, that will mean the death of both of your projects. Even more people will stop watching Walker, and this SPN prequel will never get picked up due to the scandal." So, the two "made nice" publicly to quell the chaos, but in my opinion, it's all too little too late. Jared started a storm that he can't contain now with a little tweet, and it seems like he knows that too because before he talked about him and Jensen making up, he asked that people "not send threats". He could have just as easily said that he shouldn't have made this a public issue and that he's sorry, but instead, he continued to play the victim and stoke the flames by alerting us all to the damage he's done.

Now, like I said before-- I used to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think he's an awful human or that he deserves to be attacked or anything, but he is an adult man with very poor judgment and an obvious selfish-streak a mile wide. He should know better, and he should have more respect for his so-called "friends" and "brothers" than to make them targets to public ridicule. I have a hard time believing that Jensen still sees Jared the way he used to, and I wouldn't blame him a bit for wanting to pull away-- especially when he's moving on to so many new and exciting things. Jared certainly deserves happiness just as much as anyone else, but he went on twitter and basically asked for a scandal, and he got one.

The question is now-- was there a motive behind it? Was just looking for a reason to bring his and Jensen's falling out to light-- while making himself looking like the victim in the process? Or did he genuinely not know about the prequel and just decided to go about "not knowing" in the most toxic and hurtful way he could manage?

In any case, that is the drama ... that is the J2 insanity in a rather lengthy nutshell ... that is the tea ... and I hope it all makes sense.

But the good news out of all of this is, Cockles is thriving-- they are happy and in love and Jensen calls Misha "Babe" and Misha misses waking up to see Jensen in the morning, and they are just as cute and wonderful as can be.

So, I will end that there. I am so glad to see you back, and I hope I answered all your questions in a way that made sense ... I tried anyway!

💖💖💖

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

now that I've accepted that I am forever unclean and that Analyzing the CW’s Hit TV Show Supernatural Specifically Dean Winchester is the regular hell loop that is my brain -

I Have Some Words to Say About Miracle (the dog):

Yes, this motherfucker.

(this episode contains SPOILERS from Season 15 of Supernatural including 15x09, 15x18, 15x19; TRIGGER WARNING - abuse, trauma, self harm, and spn 15x20 analysis).

I know we as a collective were confused (and angered) when instead of getting his One True Love at the end of the series, Dean Winchester got....a dog.  No offense Miracle, because you are cute and fluffy and I’d keep you forever

YES FOREVER YOU ARE SO FLUFFY COME HOME TO ME NOW

but

Dean Winchester does not like dogs.

Some have theorized it’s because he was killed by hellhounds at the end of Season 3, which is enough to give you a little canine PTSD:

Even explaining the following behavior in Yellow Fever:

He was also killed by this dog at one point in Mystery Spot:

It’s canon he has a strong aversion to dogs in the Impala:

(I would like to know more about Don)

There’s also probably lingering/repressed anger around that whole Sam never looked for him while he was in Purgatory situation:

There is, however, ONE prior episode in which Dean doesn’t hate dogs.

In Dog Dean Afternoon, when, as a side effect of a spell, he takes on the characteristics OF a dog.

(don’t let anyone tell you Jensen Ackles doesn’t have range, by the way).

SO MY THEORY ON “WHY MIRACLE” BASED ON THE AFOREMENTIONED IS:

As essentially everything, it all goes back to John Dumpster Fire Winchester, Father of the Year.

If you’re a John Winchester apologist, you should just stop reading now.  Also just don’t.  There is NO REASON TO DEFEND THIS MAN.

We know John was abusive.  Just one example of what  he put Dean through when he was NINE that he STILL remembers.

Also, this:

I could go on, but you get the picture. Why people were so thrilled when he came back for Lebanon keeps me up at night (nothing against the wildly talented Jeffrey Dean Morgan; he is fantastic, but John Winchester is trash). 

Dean’s childhood abuse is part of the reason he is convinced he is unworthy of anyone and anything.  It’s the first thing Cas notices about him.

Sam knows it too.

Even Crowley:

Abuse is generational.  Dean has shown he has potential to continue the cycle.

With Sam:

(not mentioned, lying, controlling Sam’s choices, the angel possession thing)

With Ben when he lives with Lisa:

He snaps at him about taking a gun from the Impala’s trunk at the beginning of Season 6, and then in Live Free or Twihard he physically pushes him against a wall (granted he’s a vampire at the time, but still - not an excuse).

With Jack:

At the outset of their relationship, Dean treats Jack the way John treated Sam.  He initially blames him for Cas’s death just like John blamed Sam for Mary’s (remember when John not only forced Dean to fucking single-parent Sam but later told Dean he may have to kill him seriously I could strangle this man).

Dean is terrified of turning into his father and perpetuating the cycle.  Remember the lyrical genius of Single Man Tear in Fan Fiction?

“But underneath this broken mask It is my father, with all his wrath”

That’s why he pushes away the people who love him the most.  He deeply believes he will inevitably hurt them.

He doesn’t even allow himself to begin a relationship with Jack at first.  The Jack/Dean arc is wildly important in all of this not only for representing Dean’s fear in perpetuating the cycle, but also because Jack/Dean is a narrative mirror for Dean/John.

Remember what Jack was doing before this? (TW: self harm)

Think about that in terms of Jack representing Dean.  Sit with it for a second.   Oof.

I posit to you this is also why Dean becomes so aggressive in using Jack to stop Chuck in Season 15.   Remember Dean consistently refers to the hamster wheel (a literal CYCLE) throughout this season.  This ties directly into Dean’s fear that he can’t control his life; that he is destined to become just like John - abusive and cruel. Team Free Will for Dean has always represented the glimmer of hope that this will not be his ending.

15x05:

The gun is gone, but it turns out Jack can be the weapon that ends God.  Think back to someone else who was fighting a Big Bad in Supernatural, and was so obsessed with finding the weapon to end him that he sacrificed everything, including his family for it.  Dean is acting exactly like John Winchester.  He’s perpetuating the cycle.  And that’s also part of the reason he shoves Cas away - because he believes this is inevitable, this is who he was always going to become.  

That’s why the purgatory prayer is BRILLIANT and important:

Dean is finally talking about his anger; his fear of the cycle. How his first response to stress and conflict is anger, just like John’s. He is acknowledging and accepting that this is in him, and sharing it with Cas.

WOOF ok so back to dogs.  You forgot this post is about dogs right?  So, we all know dogs give us unconditional love.  The best and truest kind.

Abusers also tend to abuse animals.  Dean’s aversion to dogs is a manifestation of the cycle of abuse. He believes if he gets a dog, he will inevitably abuse and torment it, because he believes that is who he is.  So he just acts like he doesn’t like them.

Until this happens:

And the very next episode, we meet Miracle.

Tell me this isn’t a man who has ALWAYS LOVED DOGS.

And BTW he has no issues having Miracle ride in the Impala.  Because that wasn’t ever the real problem to begin with.

Cas’s words of love helped Dean break the cycle.  

Reinforced in the finale (derogatory): 

When Chuck says -

Dean responds with that’s not who I am.  

And that’s the reason for Miracle.  Dean’s Team Free Will ending is breaking the toxic loop, and accepting love without fear that he will destroy it.  It’s acknowledging that while the history of abuse exists, it does not have to control or define him.  He chooses a different path.  He chooses to be defined by love.  

But he was still robbed of actually living his life with the people who got him here.  I will never stop screaming that he deserved better.  If you are fighting against this cycle, please know that you too deserve better.  

Oh and John Winchester 10000000000 percent belongs in hell. 

Which is why the Sexy Silence continues.

BONUS FOR SEROTONIN:

[shatteredatthealtarofwinchester]

Umm, wait. It's more a 15x20 rant than an analysis. I'll call it... a ranalysis. 😏

I just saw J*reds last online panel again, where he called the finale "magical full circle storytelling". 15x20 is his "favourite episode ever" because he "is a fan of good storytelling". Uh-huh... Okay. So the following just was built on pure rage. This makes it more of a rant than an analysis. As usual. You guys know me.

Well. There are various possibilities here, Jared. Possibility A is, you are lying, what I do not believe. To lie that obvious you have to be a talented actor, which you are not. Possibility B is, you really think that way. You believe, the finale was "magical full circle storytelling" and you actually loved it, it was indeed your favourite episode. This again brings me to the only conclusion: You have no fucking idea about good storytelling, not even decent storytelling.

Lets look at every single ending, shall we?

Dean. We all know you think Deans death was a "success story." You think that Dean "ultimately gave his life for his number one on planet." I am sitting here, laughing in pain. First of all, let me say that Dean didn't died for Sam, Jared. He didn't took a bullet for Sam or sacrificed himself or whatsoever. He died in the most ridiculous accident I've ever seen. But lets go back to the very start.

Dean’s childhood was highly abusive. Dean was 4 years old when he saw his mother burning alive and learned that monsters are real. In that age he developed PTSD and stopped talking. Dean had a childhood with a father that was an alcoholic and physically and mentally abusive, who had believed that Dean had a “killer instinct". When Dean was about 6 years old, John forced him into a nurturing role for Sam. In the same age Dean was forced into the soldiers role as well when John taught him how to shoot and hunt. Dean had to obey orders without questioning. If he acted “out of line,” (aka something John didn’t like) John chewed him out or left them alone. Dean was trained to be Daddy’s blunt instrument. Dean gave up his own life to keep Sam safe, because he had no other choice. More than a brother Dean had to be a father and a mother to Sam. He suppressed everything, every psychological pain, every emotion, he just lived to protect Sam and to obey as Johns blunt soldier. Short: Dean gave up HIMSELF for Sam and John. Not because Dean wanted to, because he was forced into it! Dean hated himself, he was suicidal. He was convinced he isn’t worthy of anything, especially not being loved. Dean never had a life for his own, never had a choice, never had a chance, never had own original thoughts, never felt safe or loved. He was used to being left. He felt like he was nothing. Worthless. He was dead inside. Broken. You get what I mean, Jared? Since you own a mental health campaign, you should. And guess what Dean did? He kept fighting. Despite everything, he kept fighting. And his mindset slowly changed. He understood that his father was an abusive bastard, he unterstood that he was forced into a life he never wanted. He understood that he is more than that, that he is not like John. He changed. He opened up. He even wanted to retire. And now it gets interesting, because something happened that REALLY is the start of magical full circle storytelling. Something in Deans mind clicked while Cas' confession. His confession was fundamental to Dean to finally accept his own goodness and the value of his life and love, of his identity. It was the moment of breaking free of the structure that had controlled and corrupted him his entire life. It was the only way out of his abusive and traumatizing cage to experience something for his own the very first time. For the first time in his life he had a chance. A choice. The start of his very own life. Free will, baby! Well, no. Because exactly in that moment he stumbled into a nail and died. Do you even realize how dumb this is? Do you even realize what you did? Wait, it gets worse. Yeah, that's possible, even if you dont believe it. In heaven he goes right back to the life he has spent his whole journey learning to free himself from: Left only with the persons he had been forced, time and time again, to sacrifice his identity, goals, and soul for. None of the family, support, or love, nothing he has built or chosen for himself remains. This is not magical full circle storytelling, Jared. This is abysmal pointless butchering. This has NOTHING, not a single percent of magical or good storytelling! YOU call that magical? YOU call that a success? Seriously, what shit are you on? If it would've been full circle storytelling, there is not one single fucking possibility that Dean would've died in the end. I don't know whats going on in your twisted brain, but Deans death never was and never will be a success. To make it magical full circle storytelling, he MUST have been the one who survives and overcomes his trauma (and raise a certain someone from perdition.)

Sam. He's actually the one who kinda got the best ending, huh? I mean, it was fucking horrific, but it was the best if you compare it to the others. When Sam was young, he wanted a normal life far away from hunting, while the truth is, Sam always was more like John than Dean ever will be. Over time his mindset clearly changed. He even said: "When Dean came to get me at school, I told myself, one last job, you know, (...) it was always one more job and then I was gonna go back to law and to my life. I guess, I really understand now that THIS is my life. And I love it." Sam couldn't imagine a normal life anymore. He had the chances for that and he declined. He loved hunting. He loved working and making progress with the BMOL, he very much enjoyed being a MOL and even took the lead often. I can clearly picture Sam as the lead of a rebuilt version of the MOL, that would've made sense. What did Sam get? Right, the ending he didn't wanted anymore, but since we yeet every single development of every single character out of the window, Sam has to be Season 1 Sam again, BUT with a fancy party wig! And there he is! And what a happy life he lives, exactly what he wanted, woohoo! So much joy, so much fun! Oh look, there is BlurryWife™, who Jared made sure is not Eileen, because “Dean wouldn’t want Sam to be with Eileen”. But wait, didn't Dean wanted Sam to be with Eileen? Didn't Dean literally said: "If it was to work, Eileen, you know... She gets it, she gets us, she gets the life. You could do worse. And she could certainly do better, like SO much better. I'm happy for you, Sammy." Yeah, NO. This was just a writing AND acting AND producing mistake and had no matter at all. *cough* So... As you can see, magical storytelling strikes again. I can feel the magic, I can feel the full circle, it's... Amazing...

Castiel. Castiels story was magical, it was mindblowing. I've never in my entire life seen such a meaningful and deep storyline and I mean this. It's fucking massive. There is this blunt angel soldier, one of the post powerful forces, who was built to blindly obey, who lived for aeons of years, who wasn't supposed to feel anything, but he fell for a broken, suicidal, abused human who never felt loved or worthy the very moment he touched him. He fell so hard he rebelled against his own race, against his own family, against everything he had without any safety. He was the ONLY one in Chuck-knows-how-many universes who GREW outside of Chucks CONTROL! His love was so fucking massive, it couldn't be controlled by the God who built every-fucking-thing. Chuck built millions(?) of parallel universes, heaven, hell, life, death, purgatory, the empty, he created every single being, the light, darkness, every single angel, demon, leviathan, monster, animal, plant, sea, blade of grass, every centimeter of mountains, the four seasons, emotions, what the fuck ever. Everything you can ever think of, Chuck created it. And he controlled it. In every single one of his fucking millions of universes. But not Castiel.This is actually not possible. You can't outrun god. You can't outrun the one who creates, writes and controlles everything. But Cas did. Out of love. And not only that, you also imply that what happened between Dean and Cas was the only thing  that was real. Everything else was corrupted, controlled, manipulated, written by Chuck. But what happened between Dean and Cas, he couldn't affect.

Seeing Cas standing there, crying, confessing his love to Dean actually even makes me think that Dean made Cas human. Dean completed Cas. Cas didn't simply said "I love you", he actually said "In all existing universes, in all millions, all aeons of years, you are my only happiness." And Cas completed Dean. He freed Dean. While Dean was used to being left, was used to feeling worthless and unlovable, Cas saw Dean exactly the way he is and chose to stay. With every obstacle, every difficulty he loved him even more and yes, freed him from the abusive structure that had controlled and corrupted him his entire life. Something that no one else could, not his parents, not Amara, not God, not even Sam. Beautiful, isn't it? Unique. Mindblowing. Pure. You enjoyed it? Let's fuck this up in 3...2...1...

Castiels story ended exactly the same way it started. A blunt angel who doesn't care about people and feelings, blindly carrying out instructions from a new God, obeying heaven. No progress. They threw away 12 years of character development and managed to give him the same stupid and senseless ending like they did with Dean. Dean died and Cas... Wasn't there?! WHAT!? There is no single fucking way Cas wouldn't save Dean or wouldn't be there when Dean enters heaven! There. Is. No. Fucking. Way! The way they represented Cas in the end doesn't only imply that Dean isn't important to Cas anymore, he even ended up exactly the same way as if Season 4-15 wouldn't have happened. The ending is exactly the same! He's with God in heaven, supporting him with instructions, not caring about anything else.

Okay, I got it. Summarizing you can say: Jareds "magical full circle storytelling" is to yeet 95% of the past 15 years. No other characters matter, the story itself doesn't matter, every single characters development doesn't matter, it even doesn't matter what the brothers really want, they don't get it anyway.

Okay. But that's not all. As if this wasn't bad enough, they didn't just butchered ... EVERYTHING, they also salted and burnt every single Mantra they ever stood for. I'll make these short, I promise!

Team Free Will. *snort* Dean couldn't escape his fate, he always believed he'll die on a hunt as Daddys blunt instrument and he did. He kept fighting to die exactly the way he felt he was "supposed to". Message? No matter how hard you keep fighting, no matter how long you'll keep it up, you can't escape your fate. Sam couldn't change his fate, he ended how he started. Cas couldn't change his fate, he ended how he started, same for Jack, he ended how he was supposed to. YEET THE FREE WILL, NONE OF THEM CAN CHANGE ANYTHING!

Family don't end with  blood. The biggest lie that has ever been told. Do I even have to explain that? No need, right? Don't make me wanna throw up again, please. We all know that 15x20 blasted "Family don't end with blood" in millions of pieces.

Always keep fighting. THE AUDACITY to praise that while Dean is dying! After everything Dean has dealt with, It makes me wanna scream. Dean kept fighting, he always kept fighting, no matter how hard it was, no matter what forced him to his knees, he stood up again, and if he wasn't able to stand up, he crawled. He kept fighting no matter what, despite everything. His mindset changed. He wanted to live, he wanted to experience things, feelings and people differently or even for the first time. He changed. He wanted to retire, toes in the sand. He knew he earned it. Thats why he kept fighting. For what? To die the very first moment he had a free will. To die the very first moment he had a choice, had a life to build for himself. Always keep fighting, but the moment you come close to what you want, what you fought for, you die. It's been more than 3 months and I am having tears in my eyes while typing this. As for Dean, no matter how hard you fight, no matter how long you fight, you don't reach what you deserve anyway. Give up. As for Sam, AKF leeds to Emptiness. Grief. Psychological Trauma. Mental illness. Absolutely nothing worth fighting for.

I wanna go cry now, bye.

[thisbisexualbrainrot]

15x20 Coda: “Cas helped”

I dont normally write fanfiction anymore but this finale literally forced me. I had to fix this somehow and I had a good idea as I was falling asleep last night. It comforted me and I hope it will do the same for all of you. 

------- Dean doesn't know how long he’s been driving, as Bobby had told him, time moves differently here. The familiar smell of the countryside soothes him as he glides down the long stretch of road, windows down and Led Zepplins’ Ramble On blaring from the speakers. 

But soon the air begins to change, it's a scent Dean doesn't find familiar. As he notices the treeline begin to recede, he pulls over the hill and can see the skyline...and it’s blue. Forever endless blue water stretching out to meet him. Anything you can dream echoes in his mind as he drives closer to the shore. 

When he pulls the impala to a stop, he can already hear the seagulls cawing overhead, the waves crashing onto the beach. It's beautiful, he thinks, and he has never felt such instant peace. He feels drawn to this place, although he isn't sure why. Far in the distance, he notices a figure standing near the surf. A tan trenchcoat blows in the breeze and Dean feels his heart jump into his throat. 

Cas? 

He doesn’t even realize he's moving until his boots hit the sand and he stumbles, unaccustomed to the feeling of it under his feet. Cas is standing at the surf, his eyes closed, a faint smile on his face. 

Cas helped 

Dean's heart begins to pound in his ears. He starts moving again. By the time he is standing a few feet away, his mouth is dry and he rasps out a quiet “...Cas?” 

Castiel’s eyes open and he turns toward Dean, as if he had been waiting for him. 

“Hello Dean” 

He stands for a moment in disbelief, desperate to speak but the words feel trapped in his throat. When he finally does, it's an apology. “I..I should have stopped you. Again. I...Cas I'm so sorry.” 

The angel’s eyes soften, “Nothing that happened was your fault and nothing you could have done would have changed my mind. I only regret that you are here so soon, I wanted you to find your own path. I had hoped-” Cas looked away towards the water, “I hoped you would be happy.” 

“Cas...I- I was but...I’m happy to see you man. I thought I would...I didn’t think I'd ever see you again.” Dean moves toward him hesitantly, as if Cas could disappear at any moment. “Did Jack….?”  

“He brought me back, yes.” Cas says, turning back to look at Dean with a soft smile on his lips. “He wanted me to help...make this for you, among other things.” 

“You helped make this?” Dean looks out at the shoreline in awe. 

“You said you wanted a beach vacation” Cas muses, “I hope this is satisfactory.” He smiles then and Dean feels his heart flutter because he never believed someone could love him enough to make all of this. 

Love him. The word stops his brain in its tracks. It's then that Dean remembers the last conversation they had, why Cas had been taken from him. His heart skips as he hears himself asking “Cas..what you said, in the bunker..I- I need to know what you meant by that…” 

Cas opens his mouth and closes it again, his brain trying to discern why Dean is asking, “I told you Dean, I love you. And I meant it. Every word. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable. I never expected-” 

“Cas I need to say something” 

This interruption makes Castiel’s legs feel weak, his heart sinks to his stomach. 

Dean is moving toward him now, and Cas is caught off guard when Dean stands so close, his scent like pine trees and bourbon. A scent Cas remembers very well, how could he ever possibly forget it. “Dean you don't have to..” 

“Don't ever leave again.” 

Cas stands completely still, afraid to do anything that would interrupt but terrified at every word. He feels vulnerable, weak. Like Dean could toss him into the ocean and he would sink to the bottom, helpless. 

They stand there for a moment, silent. The waves continue their methodic movements against the sand, the birds continue to cry out overhead. And Cas is drowning. When he speaks there is slight pain in his voice. 

“I won't Dean. I won't leave.” 

“Don't you ever, ever leave me again.” Dean raises his voice this time, his eyes meeting Castiels and he can feel the hurt in Dean’s words, the fear and the guilt. 

“I won't.” He says again, more calm assurance to his voice now. “I will stay here with you for eternity, if you want me to Dean. Always.” 

Dean moves closer, his head falling against Castiel’s and his hands gripping the lapel of the familiar trench coat. Their noses brushing as Dean breaths the angel in; a mix of cold air and lightning with a summer thunderstorm. Cas is overwhelmed by the sensation, the feeling of Dean touching him. He never dreamed he would see Dean again. He never thought Dean would want to see him again. He was wrong. 

Dean whispers, his eyes closed. “I never-.... I didn't let myself go there. I didn't understand it. I thought you couldn't- that you wouldn't-” and he doesnt get to continue because Cas closes the gap between them, his lips gently grazing and Dean’s breath hitches in his throat as he says breathlessly,  “I love you Cas. I’ve always loved you” And he is pulling Cas into him now, hands reaching for anything they can touch. His thumb traces against Cas’s jaw, his kisses becoming more wanting, more desperate. Cas can barely breathe. 

When Dean pulls away Cas instantly aches for the loss of contact but Dean is smiling at him. He drops and begins to take off his boots. Cas laughs at him, “What are you doing?” 

“Toes in the sand, remember?” Dean pulls his socks off and feels the softness between his feet. “Feels just as good as I thought it would.” He walks over to the water and feels it rush over him. “This is perfect Cas, I wish Sammy could see it.” 

“He will,” Cas says warmly as he slips off his boots and joins Dean in the surf. He reaches his hand out to close around Dean’s in warm reassurance. He has never felt more alive, more human. He will stay with Dean for eternity, he will spend the rest of his existence making Dean happy in the heaven he helped build for him. Dean pulls Cas into him and kisses him again, his lips warm and swollen from moments ago. The bottom of his jeans get soaked as the waves splash around him but he is not ready to let Cas go. 

He will never let Cas go again. 

[ltleflrt]

Hey friends!  Can you tag your finale talk please?  I’m trying to pretend it doesn’t exist, but everyone keeps reminding me about it today and I’ve only been awake for 90 minutes.  It’s a lot, and I can’t want to deal with it.

Tags I’m blocking so far: 1520, 15x20, spn 1520, spn 15x20, finale, spn finale, carry on

Thanks everyone! Enjoy your salt if you’re partaking ;D

[flyingfish1]

was ‘healing & wholeness through death’ always Dabb’s intention

Content note: discussions of suicide attempts, including quotes from the show on that topic; and the concept of death as the solution to problems

*

Mary should have been the blaring warning siren and I didn’t listen.

Castiel: I'm looking for someone. Dumah: Mary Winchester? If that's why you're here, then you should leave now. Castiel: Why? There may be a way to bring her back. Dumah: Why would you want to do that? … She is at peace. You know, she died painlessly. Instantly. Completely. She's in Heaven, a special Heaven. Mary Winchester is complete. You and the Winchesters may not be. But she is. -14x18 (Robert Berens) -transcript from superwiki

“Completeness” in death. Mary, now dead and in Heaven, is “complete,” says the story. And, in this moment in s14, the Winchesters and Cas are apparently not “complete.”

Mary, who initially didn’t want to be alive:

Mary: I didn’t ask to come back here. Billie: No, you didn’t. And you hate it. The look in your eyes – I’ve seen it before. It’s a dead man’s look. Eyes that say no matter where you go, what you do, it feels like this world doesn’t fit anymore. Like you’re all alone. Dean: Well, she’s not alone. Billie: Tell me I’m wrong. [Mary doesn’t answer] I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to offer you mercy. One way ticket upstairs. Away from all of this. [Mary hesitates] Mary: How would it work? Sam: Mom! Billie: Reapers don’t kill people. Rules. Mary: Well, then -- [She looks at Sam and Dean, then turns to look back at Billie] Then I guess you’re just gonna have to wait. -12x06 (Steve Yockey)

Mary, who struggled so hard with being pulled out of her heavenly paradise and given her life back. Mary, who struggled to get over the loss of her husband, and the loss of her previous life, and the loss of the two little children she had wanted to raise.

Mary, who held a gun to her own head more than once. Mary, who, at one point, sincerely begged Ketch to kill her:

MARY LEANS UP AGAINST MR. KETCH, GRABS HIS GUN AND BACKS AWAY. MR. KETCH: Mary MARY COCKS THE GUN AND PUTS BELOW HER CHIN. MR. KETCH: No. MR. KETCH GRABS FOR THE GUN AND MANAGES TO KNOCK IT AWAY AS IT GOES OFF. MR. KETCH: Ow! Ah! MARY: Then you do it! Kill me. All my life, all I ever had, other than my family, was my will. MARY BEGINS TO CRY. MARY: And it's going away. I'm – I'm putting people in danger. I'm putting my sons in danger. You have to – MARY DROPS TO HER KNEES. MARY: Please. For God's sake, kill me. MR. KETCH: Mary. MARY: Just do it! MR. KETCH: Mary, listen to me. It won't be long now. This will all be over. I promise. MARY: No. MR. KETCH: I promise. MARY: No. KETCH WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM AND LEAVES MARY IN DESPAIR. -12x21 (Buckleming) -transcript from superwiki

Mary later rejected death, although looking back at it now, in retrospect, she rejected it not quite so much on the basis of “living is good, actually,” but more on the basis that Heaven isn’t good enough (… not yet, as it turns out):

[Kevin tears open his shirt revealing a sigil carved into his chest.] … KEVIN: Michael says… that when I get to Heaven-- when he lets me into Heaven-- I'll get to see my mom again. MARY: I've been to Heaven, and what's there… it's just memories. Nothing's real. -13x20 (Glynn) -transcript from superwiki

(I was so happy for her when I first watched this, because I thought it was a sign that she would be turning the corner and getting the opportunity to heal in life, and on a long-term basis. But………….)

Mary then did find strength and purpose in her life and her job – hunting, helping Jack, helping the AU World hunters. She came back to Sam and Dean’s world and forged stronger relationships with them. She started a romantic relationship with AU Bobby, although it seems that she had her troubles with it:

MARY: Bobby's not open like your dad. SAM: Wait. Like my dad? MARY: Okay. At least he's not like your dad was when I knew him. SAM: Right. MARY: Bobby's got walls, big ones. I just don't know if I can do that if I even ever put myself out there again. -14X05 (Glynn)

Her one true love, ultimately, was John. And then, in 14x13, she was hit hard by the loss of John just after getting him back again:

SAM: Uh, the, uh… the lore is pretty clear. We destroy the pearl, and it unwinds all of this. Dad goes back… and so will everything else. MARY: And he won’t remember anything? [SAM shakes his head.] SAM: No. [MARY nods. She shakes her head, crying.] MARY: Sam, I can’t.

*

[JOHN and MARY take each other’s hand.] MARY: I hate this. JOHN: So do I. … My girl. [MARY smiles through tears.] JOHN: I miss you so damn much. MARY: Me too. -14x13 (Dabb and Glynn) -transcript from superwiki

Mary’s next episode, 14x17, is her death.

(In between, we have 14x14, with Cas’ speech to Jack about appreciating the time they have with their short-lived human loved ones, and carrying on when they are gone. At the time I suppose I thought it was foreshadowing for Mary, but in retrospect it’s broader than that, isn’t it.)

So, at the point of Mary’s death, she’s not actively suicidal anymore. But her losses have been recently emphasized, and so has her pain. Her husband is dead.

And then comes 14x18 and her “completeness.” We find out in 14x19 that she and John are sharing a Heaven. She is at peace, we hear, because she is with her husband in the afterlife.

All in all, in retrospect, this concept of “completeness in death” – of having death be your reward and your happy ending – pervaded the Dabb era from the start. We learned as early as 12x19 that Jack would build a “paradise,” and now we know what that paradise is: this remodeled Heaven in which Dean can, apparently, have what wanted but couldn’t have on earth and in life. Dean, who -- though he wasn’t actively suicidal in 15x20 -- has also struggled mightily with wanting to be dead, and who has been suicidal in the past.

It results in this concept that, as long as you’re not actively suicidal (anymore!), dying at the age of 41 (or approx. 32, in Mary’s case) is fine. This concept that it’s good, actually, because then you’ll be whole and at peace.

I find this deeply disturbing. I know that the ‘reunited in Heaven’ concept works for some (and I think I wouldn’t even necessarily have a problem with it if it were explicitly shown to be happening at the end of a long and happy life). But as presented in canon, involving the characters that it does, with their lives being cut short the way they are, I do find it deeply disturbing. Personally, I’m finding myself (emotionally speaking) backing away from the entire Dabb era with my hackles raised.

And I feel stupid for not seeing it. Or, truthfully, for seeing some of it and then convincing myself that it wasn’t there, that I was wrong, that TPTB couldn’t be leading the story in that direction. For, I guess, buying into what I read as the Carver-era ‘retirement’/‘living a long and happy life’ themes so hard that I didn’t let myself focus on anything else. For always being half-afraid that TPTB would re-fridge Mary, so that when they finally did it I just went, “Well, that’s that :(” without examining the themes around it closely enough.

For not taking all the warning bells seriously.

I want to make sure to say this clearly: It is absolutely possible to heal in life. Friends, and loved ones, and old relationships and new relationships, and love, and loyalty, and peace, all exist in life, able to be found and created. Healing exists in life. Contentment. New experiences and excitement and joy and beauty. Nobody’s too traumatized for that. Dean and Mary deserved that. Everybody does.

[deancasheadcanons]

Something Only I Would Know

[ao3]

1.7k words

15x20 fix-it (kinda), warning for Dean being ableist, thanks to @saywhatjessie for letting me use her headcanon that Dean could’ve been paralyzed by the rusty nail

Just as Dean was hoisting his left leg onto his bed, one of the phones rang in the library. He sighed and moved his leg rest back into place, then wheeled out to the hallway, hoping he could get to the phone in time. Sam was on a hunt with Eileen out in Iowa, and Jody and Claire were taking out some werewolves up in Nowhere, Michigan, but other than that, nobody else should be calling. 

He didn’t make it in time. As he sifted through the phones to figure out where the missed call came from, something crashed in the kitchen.

“Who’s there?” he yelled forcefully, grabbing a shotgun from a table before pushing himself to the kitchen.

“Son of a bitch,” a familiar voice said just as Dean turned the corner.

He looked right at himself, all six-foot-one of himself standing in the middle of the kitchen, his legs working just fine.

“Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me,” other Dean said, progressively raising his voice until the end of the sentence was a shout. He glared up at the ceiling. “I’m gonna kill you, Chuck!”

“Which universe are you from?” Dean asked calmly.

Other Dean glared down at him, jaw clenched. “The real one. And you’re obviously from one where I’m bad enough at my job to land myself in a goddamn wheelchair. That’s real great.”

“No,” Dean said, sizing his other self up. “You’re too much like me.” A memory came back to him, something he said to himself in a situation similar to this one, years ago. “Tell me something only I would know.”

“Oh come on, don’t quote me to me.” Other Dean took a beer out of the fridge and tossed the cap in the direction of the trash can. “Although if you’re from a different universe, I guess you wouldn’t have a memory of that. I must just say the same shit in every version of myself.”

“I do have a memory of it.” 

They glared at each other.

Dean said, “Camp Chitaqua.”

Other Dean blinked. “Yeah, OK.” He took a long pull from his beer, staring pointedly at the wheelchair as he did. “What year is it?”

“It’s 2022.”

Other Dean dropped into a chair at the kitchen table. “Ah, fuck. How’d we end up crippled?”

“No. Tell me something only I would know.”

Other Dean stared at him, annoyed. He lost the staring contest after half a minute, shaking his head and scoffing and then taking another long drink of beer. He then looked down at the table and said loudly, “Cas.”

“Excuse me?”

Other Dean raised his eyes. “He told me he loved—he said he loved me. And that he realized he couldn’t have what he wanted. And then the Empty took him.”

Dean ran his tongue along his top teeth. “OK, you are me.” He pushed his wheelchair forward and moved the shotgun from his lap to the table. “And you must be from 2020.”

“Oh goddamn it, I’m gonna lose my legs that soon?” Other Dean stood and said, “Christ, I need a stronger drink.”

“We don’t have anything stronger.”

“What?”

“I don’t drink anymore. The beer is for everybody else that comes through here.”

Other Dean sat back down. “Is Sam—”

“On a hunt with Eileen. Everybody’s fine. Well, except.” Dean gestured to the room and shook his head. 

“Except your legs?”

He leveled himself with an impatient glare. “No. It’s a C7 spinal cord injury, and it’s really not that big of a fucking deal. I was talking about Cas.”

Other Dean looked at his beer bottle, picking at the label with his thumbs. “Chuck is trying to show us that we have no free will. He threw me here to prove that I can’t change anything about our lives.”

“Oh, like The Time Traveler’s Wife?”

Other Dean made a face at him, but then his eyebrows raised in realization. “Right, we read that a couple years ago. Man, I forgot about that. Yeah. Like, why would I try to bring Cas back if I’m sitting here with you now, and you’re telling me Cas never came back? So what’s the point of me trying to bring him back if I already know he’s not here in 2022?”

Dean’s eyebrows knit together as he thought for a minute. Eventually he said, “I know you’re me because I never told anybody that Cas is in love with me.”

“Whoa, whoa, he didn’t say—”

“Oh, shut the fuck up.” Dean swallowed. “Let me tell you something, alright? You’re gonna spend a couple months having no fucking idea what to do with yourself, no clue how to cope, so you and Sam are gonna try to do some run-of-the-mill hunts, and guess what? On the very first one you’re gonna break your fucking back after being impaled on some shitty nail in the wall. You’re gonna spend six months laid up in bed feeling sorry for yourself, drinking yourself stupid, wanting to die, praying yourself hoarse to Cas, and Cas is not gonna fucking show up!” 

He took a ragged breath and continued, “And Jack doesn’t either. And then Sam’s gonna tell you that he needs you to get your shit together, and it’s not because he needs your help saving the world or even just needs your help on a hunt, it’s because he wants to get married, wants to marry Eileen, so you’re gonna put your sorry life back together enough to be the best man at your brother’s wedding, and that’s when you’re gonna realize that there’s more to your shit life than the selfish things that you want—things like, I don’t know, being able to walk? And having Cas.” He closed his eyes. “You’re gonna realize that Cas meant that he was in love with you, that he wanted to be with you, and you’re gonna have to deal with the enormity of that. That this—that a being so ancient and so huge and literally so incomprehensible to you that your ears bled the first time you heard him speak—that he could learn love? From your sorry ass? Look at me, Dean. Listen to what I’m saying to you.” 

He waited until other Dean looked him in the eye. “Eventually you’re gonna accept the fact that Cas lived thousands of years without doing anything other than following the will of heaven, never changing course, only to meet you and learn love so completely that the only thing he wants is to be with you. The first selfish, human desire of his life. You. And you didn’t even get the time to process it, to tell him that you love him, too, before he was gone. So the best you can do is try to actually live your fucking life, because he died to save you.”

The silence between them was heavy. Eventually other Dean said, “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I never told anybody. Listen to me, Chuck said Cas didn’t do what he was supposed to do. He wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you—us. He changed things when he told you. So you can change things, too. Go back to your time and fucking tell somebody. Is Jack still around? For fuck’s sake, tell Jack.”

“I can’t—everything you just told me, I can’t—I haven’t…”

“Dean, listen. I know. I know how you feel. I know you, and I know you don’t trust yourself, but look at me. I’m different than you, alright? You can trust me. I just threw two years of emotional processing at you, of course you can’t deal with that. But you can do just one thing. Just one. Tell Jack.”

Other Dean studied his face. “You really are different.”

“Yeah, well.” Dean shrugged and looked at his legs. “Turns out being loved by a cosmic being changes you.”

“And being paralyzed.”

“No, trust me, that’s easier to deal with.”

Other Dean huffed a small laugh and nodded. “Uh, what are you gonna do? What happens now?”

“Don’t worry about me, you just—”

A loud crack cut Dean off, then his other self disappeared out of existence. He looked around the kitchen warily, as if something dramatic was about to happen. Instead, a phone once again began ringing in the library. 

As Dean wheeled through the hallway, he felt a splitting headache and had to stop and close his eyes. Images flashed through his brain, mostly of him and Cas, and then they abruptly stopped and he felt fine. The phone was still ringing.

He only made it a few more feet before the headache returned, worse than before. Images, so fast and loud in his head that it felt like his brain would explode. When they stopped, he blinked his eyes open and had a realization. 

“It’s not The Time Traveler’s Wife. It’s—” he did a 180 in his wheelchair and breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of Cas standing at the end of the hall. “ — Looper.”

“Ah, we’ve finally caught up, then?” Cas said shyly as he walked toward Dean. He squatted in front of him, not in a patronizing way, but as a gesture of trust, submission. “You said it would be soon. You made me watch Looper so I would understand . Does your head feel alright?”

Dean put his hand to Cas’ face, delicately, like he might disappear if he touched him too much. “Cas.”

Cas turned his head and kissed Dean’s palm, then held his hand against his face and smiled at him. “I’m right here.”

The memories kept coming back to Dean, the changed timeline, his past self defeating Chuck and immediately telling Jack that he had to bring Cas back because he never got the chance to tell him he loved him, too. Then—still getting hurt on a hunt, still needing time to process and adjust, to give up drinking, learn how to accept Cas’ love and to love Cas properly in return—but easier this time, because Cas was there. Cas gave him space and time, all while loving him and taking care of him.

Dean took a deep breath. “C’mere, Cas.”

He didn’t wait. He pulled Cas up into his arms and buried his face in his neck and said, “I love you, you can have me. You can have me forever.”

Cas laughed gently. “I know, Dean. I love you, too.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOTES:

The Time Traveler's Wife (book) - Henry has no agency and no free will because he time travels randomly to different parts of his life and therefore knows everything that happens before it happens, and can't change any of it.

Looper (movie) - When people time travel to the past and try to change their lives, their memories change in the present as the timeline of their lives change.