*reads news*
THIS IS FINE. I’M NOT PANICKING. THEY DIDN’T WAIT TOO LONG TO DO THIS. WE’RE FIIIIIIIIIIIINE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAdrinkpunchcry
Sweet GEEBUZ, I need a distraction!
Have Muchas Smooches⬇️
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Rant
Hey y'all I get into it pretty deep here, I talk about extreme depression, self harm, addiction, covid, physical disability, socio political issues and I am very blunt about how I feel. As a rule of thumb this rant is really negative and really long .
I think a terrible realization that I had about the long lasting social and behavioral effects of covid is that I used to be a completely different person three years ago and I've regressed significantly since then. I used to have plucky optimism, I mean I was still super depressed but I could at least look forward to something cheering me up somehow. I was able to romanticize my life, find beauty in everything, have the patience for everyone and everything because I vowed to myself that my morals were out of respect to most people ( obvious exclusions apply, I generally dislike hateful mother fuckers, take of that what you will yadda yadda) and to see the best in everyone. I now resemble a corpse of that person and I mourn that person. I lay down most of the time, I'm on my phone most of the time, I hate people most of the time, I am aggressive, I am irritated, I am spiteful, mournful, I am starting to romanticize addiction and self harm. I feel pretty bad all of the time, and when I realize that I feel bad I can't seem to pep talk myself or distract myself to something positive even a little. Every time I give myself a chance to realize there is something better than this I wanna hide away more. Of course there was going to be medical and mental long term effects of covid, it'd be foolish to expect otherwise, it's true we are all traumatized, I fully know this, but I think the problem I'm grappling with is that I can finally grasp how betrayed I feel by the world, betrayed by expecting that common sense is doing right by others, betrayed by my job and all future jobs by expecting patience, betrayed by myself in some way by expecting better of everyone. My scoliosis is getting worse, I often deal with what feels like my muscles and bones are shriveling up within myself, my depression is obviously significantly worse, and my quality of life is god awful. I have been rotting inside myself protecting myself from all of the hurt in this world and I don't know how to even describe how much that terrifies me, to watch the world burn and suffer alongside it while others say they came out of it all just fine. I know there are other faults in myself that I could fix to help this feeling, my coping mechanisms can definitely be called into question and reviewed professionally but I stand firm in the fact that I feel robbed. I was a much healthier person back then, I was pushed to the ground so many times before that it was natural to get back up and try again, but I don't foresee that for myself for a very long time, I am devastated. This topic can be stretched longer by the current state of the world such as housing and constant political fuck ups or I can add further context to all of the things I haven't healed from previously to add more to how unfortunate and pitiful I am; but I don't aim to write an essay on how to fix the world or call to action to bring in a lot of pity towards myself, I suppose I could ask for some sympathy lol but I mostly wanted to scream to the world that I am not okay. And maybe hoped others were dealing with this pain too. I hope we can all find solace in something, respite, calm, or just a fucking break through all of this. I know we deserve it.
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For the people who don't have Twitter
I think this is the best tweet I've seen in a long time 😭
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sketchy Poolverine smooches 😘❤️💛✨ (hopefully they're not too messy lol)
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thinking about these things again. and maybe that they should kiss? just a little? possibly.
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