#smacks you even sillier

[intotheelliwoods]

ahahahah whoops my hand slipped :3 ahhahahaha ow

[cassafrassie]

the nerve - (also on ao3) length: 2,535 words rating: T (teenaged kissing)

This is the last time, the last time! Pacifica thinks as she's jumping into the passenger side of Dipper's beat-up old pickup. Next to her, Dipper slams his own door and quickly smacks the lock button, eyes scanning the forest beyond the wide windshield. 

"I think we're clear," he says, before spinning to Pacifica excitedly. “Did you get a load of the size of that guy?!” 

“I didn’t see much as I was a little busy running for my life!” Pacifica gasps, clutching her chest.

Dipper picks up his camera. “Oh man. This was a good one. I think I got some good shots,” he continues, flipping through the display.

“Dipper! He nearly killed us!”

“Oh Paz, we were fine,” he replies confidently, still looking at his pictures. “I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.” He looks up, reaches over and bops her on the nose, smearing more mud on her already dirty face.

The nerve.

Pacifica glares at him. He always gets like this after monster hunts. Dipper has a cocky streak that usually lies pretty dormant, but something about the shot of the adrenaline that he gets after narrow escapes makes it rise to the surface. At least that’s her theory. The worst part is that can’t pretend she totally hates it, even if it’s currently raising her hackles.

“I’m beginning to regret giving you that thing,” she says, gesturing to the camera.

“No you don’t.” He spins to her and points the lens in her direction. “Who else would take all those pictures of you for “the gram”?” he asks, a teasing lilt in his voice. He clicks the shutter and Pacifica is blinded by the quick flash.

She rolls her eyes and pushes the camera away, but lets a small smile play on her lips. That photo won’t see the light of day. She’ll make sure of that. Both she and Dipper are absolutely covered in forest filth, and she makes a mental note to swipe the memory card before he drops her off at home later.

Dipper grins, thinking he’s won this round, and reaches behind his truck’s bench seat to place the camera in the rear of the cab. Twisting back, he fiddles with his keys and the ignition until the old clunker finally turns over.

Pacifica lets her mind wander as he navigates them out of the clearing he parked in and back to the main road. Picking leaves from her hair while she watches the trees pass by her window, she wonders why it is that he only lets this side of him come out when they’re alone. Dipper has come a long way from the insecure prepubescent boy she met five years ago, but he’s still pretty reserved and serious in mixed company. When it’s just the two of them, or the two of them and Mabel, it’s like he lights up. He’s sillier, more relaxed, more outspoken, more… is heroic the right word?

And it does things to her, to say the least. And they’re going to have to talk about it soon, because she strongly suspects he’s been feeling… things… too.

She started noticing it when their afternoon monster hunts began turning into twilight strolls around the lake, the two teen’s fingers brushing up against one another as they circled it. When hugs of relief after narrowly escaping death for the umpteenth time began to linger just a little too long. When he grabbed her hand while helping her down a steep rock face, and then held it the whole way home.

She knows a confession is imminent. That he’ll address the shift, the obvious destination they have been barreling toward with increasing velocity.

And sometimes she lets herself fantasize— because why not? She’s a seventeen-year-old girl, isn’t she? She’s allowed to have her little daydreams. She indulges in visions of confessions in a meadow of shimmering flowers. Maybe she’s wearing a long gown that fluttered in the wind. Maybe he brings roses and rides up on a white stallion and sweeps her up and into his lap as the orchestra swells and the credits run and…

Okay yes, she’s getting carried away. So sue her.

She chances a glance at him now. His eyes are trained on the road, hands responsibly placed at ten and two on the steering wheel, easy smile playing on his lips. He must sense her watching him though, because his eyes suddenly dart over to meet hers.

She meets his gaze, gives him a small, reckless smile that clearly carries a secret meaning that they just haven’t put words to just yet. She expects to receive the same smile from him, just as she has so many times before—and especially recently—but instead he just studies her seriously, and she can see the gears spinning in his mind. 

His mouth straightens into a determined line as his eyes snap back to the road. Without warning he twists the steering wheel to the right and Pacifica shrieks as he haphazardly directs the truck to a turnout overlooking the valley below. The truck bounces to a rough stop, and Pacifica snaps her head to look at him.

“What are you doing?” she gasps, more confused than angry.

He kills the engine, quickly unbuckles both their seatbelts and twists fully to face her. His cheeks are flushed, eyes focused. He honestly looks a little manic, Pacifica thinks.

Dipper takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. When he opens his them, he reaches a grime covered palm toward her equally dirty cheek. He smiles sweetly, and his palm cups her face, one thumb lightly tracing a path across her cheekbone.

“Paz,” he starts, smile broadening as he says her name. “There’s something I wanna tell you.”

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. He was not seriously doing this right now! Not like this! Not covered in mud and leaves and god knows what else, crammed in the front seat of his dilapidated old truck on the side of the road, heartbeat just beginning to return to normal after escaping whatever grumpy cryptid that was that they had woken early from hibernation.

Is he freaking kidding me?!

She watches her hopes of horseback rides into the sunset dissolve in front of her eyes. Disintegrated by the sweat, foliage and mud coating them both.

“Dipper! Now?? I look terrible!”

“I think you look great!” he says and the worst, most terrible part is that she can tell he is being completely sincere.

“I’m covered in mud, Dipper.“

“Maybe I like it,” he smirks, a move that Pacifica knows he thinks is charming.

“You’re a freak,” she deadpans.

Dipper leans in closer, looks her right in the eyes.

“Your freak?” He smiles, hopefully.

Oh my god seriously? He’s such a sap.

Pacifica groans and rolls her eyes, but she also has to fight to keep the corners of her lips from tugging into a smile. She can feel for cheeks warming, and she knows he knows.

“I’m sorry, that doesn’t qualify as a response. You’ll have to use English,” he teases.

“Fine,” she drawls.

“Fine what?”

She is going to murder him. MURDER HIM.

“Oh you know what!”

“I really don’t Paz, did you have something important you wanted to tell me?”

She wants to slap that stupid grin off his face. Or kiss it.

“Dipper!” she whines.

“Hey I’m just trying to get clarity here!”

“Dipper if this is your way of asking a girl out then it’s no wonder you’ve never had a girlfriend before. You’re impossible,” she says crossing her arms and straightening her back.

“Okay okay,” he laughs, settling down. “I’m sorry.” He turns to her, smile sweeter, more earnest. “Let me start over.”

He untangles her crossed arms, grasping her hands with his free one. She feels a shiver at the way his one hand can hold both of hers. When did that happen? She stifles the distraction as she refocuses on what he’s saying.

“Pacifica. You’re one of my best friends,” he continues. “You’re smart, self-assured, funny, a huge dork”— Pacifica opens her mouth to protest but he puts a finger to her lips—“you are, and it’s one of my favorite things about you.”

She scoffs, but lets him continue, cheeks growing warmer.

“You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever laid my eyes on, but that’s just the icing on the cake. Because the way I feel about you comes from so much more than that.” He takes a breath, rubs his thumb on her cheek once, and she melts a little. “Pacifica, I...“

Here it comes, she thinks. She gives him a small, encouraging smile, waiting to hear him say the words she’s been imagining in her daydreams, for him to confess that his “like” of her has turned into the special kind. The “like like” kind.

Pacifica figures maybe it’s okay that this is the way it happened. It’s more them. But still, she would have appreciated flowers maybe. She doesn't presume that his feelings for her run deep enough as to justify red roses, but pink maybe... 

“…I’m in love with you.”

Wait. What?

Pacifica's brain struggles to rewind and playback, and she ends up just blinking at him for a moment.

“You’re in love with me?” she asks, and her voice sounds so terribly soft to her ears.

“Yeah,” Dipper confirms, face bright red beneath the dirt.

“You love me?” she repeats.

“Yes,” he says again, laughing a little, nervously. But he nevertheless moves his hand from her cheek down to circle the side of her throat, pushing his fingers into her hair.

“No one has ever loved me before,” she says, matter of fact.

“Oh Paz, your parents love you. I know they’re tough on you but I’m sure—“

“No. No I mean like the different kind of love. Like, the voluntary kind. When you don’t have to love someone, you just do. When it’s not because of blood, or because you want their life, or clothes, or ponies. When you just like them. No one has loved me like that.”

He studies her a beat.

“I do,” he says, finally, firmly, not breaking the eye contact. Not taking his hands from her.

Her head feels light, and she’s vaguely aware of that he cheeks are wet. But then she surges forward, and crashes her lips to his, because she can’t not. There’s a magnetic force pulling her in a way she can’t control.

Dipper’s lips are chapped and crusted in dirt, but they’re warm and his she immediately thinks that kissing him is about to be one of her favorite pastimes, and why did they wait so long to do this again?? Dipper responds to her kiss instantly, opening his mouth and seeking entry to hers, which she grants without hesitation. The hand in her hair ventures up to grasp at the back of her head, pushing their lips closer still, as his other wraps around her lower back and tugs her closer to him on the bench seat. Her own needy hands run up his chest to grab the lapels of his flannel, holding him to her as she shifts forward and up on to her knees, eventually ending up straddling his lap. Dipper moans into her mouth and his hands move to grasp her hips, but then he stops, pulls back slightly and takes in a sharp inhale of air, letting it out slowly in what appears to be a practiced attempt to calm himself down.

“You don’t know what you do to me, Paz,” he chuckles, finally, leaning his forehead on hers.

“I could do more,” she says softly, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

“I wouldn’t say no to that.” He leans back in his seat, arms loosen around her waist but not letting go. A smug smile plays on his lips. “I’m winning the romance game now, anyway. You gotta catch up.”

She senses a challenge here, which she knows he knows will always pique her interest. She arches an eyebrow.

“How so?”

“Well, I’m the one who said something first. In my book that means I’m leading you in romantic gestures.” He gives her a pointed look. “And confessions, too, actually. I might remind you.”

She laughs. “Okay, dork. I love you too. Even?”

“I mean technically I said I was in love with you. So, I still win.”

“Well I’m in love with you too, then!”

“No copy catting,” he says, grinning as his hands raise to her neck and he leans in.

Her giggles are muffled by his lips once again and she lets him push her back in the seat, tipping her backward until she pivots and is laying down with him hovering over her. He peppers her face with sloppy kisses and works his way down her neck, still a little grimy and sweaty, and Pacifica grins as she thinks that white stallions in springtime meadows might be overrated.

------

Later that night, Pacifica finds herself freshly showered and wearing some spare sweatpants of Mabel’s that she swiped while the latter is out at the movies with Candy and Grenda. She’s cuddled on the couch in the Mystery Shack’s living room, brand new boyfriend— also clean and smelling of mint and evergreen—next to her with a lazy arm stretched around her. She tugs up the blanket they share to her chin and tucks her face into the crook of his neck, kissing it lightly as Dipper begins stroking her hair.

“You know, the reason I’ve never had a girlfriend isn’t because I would suck at asking them out,” he says, after a while. “I happen to think I did pretty darn good here.”

“Settle down, Casanova, you got lucky this one time,” she mumbles, smiling into his neck.

He ignores this, persists in his point.

“You know the reason I haven’t had a girlfriend.” He says, turning so his lips brush the top of her head.

She does, but she wants him to say it. She looks up at him through her eyelashes. “Mmm?”

“Because I’ve only had eyes for one girl since I was fourteen.”

“And who was that?”

“Well I think you know her…”

“Oh?”

“Mhm… gorgeous, witty, bit of a brat…”

“She sounds great.”

“Yeah, she sure thinks so.”

“What stopped you from asking her out?”

“Well I wasn’t sure how she felt for a long time.”

“I bet she was crazy about you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, she probably liked your courage, your heart, your smile, your cute floppy hair—“

A loud groan carries into the living room from the kitchen, and Stan strides into the room, making a beeline for the front door.

“Okay, you two have officially crossed over from sweet to gross. Let me know when the honeymoon phase is over, til then I’ll be somewhere where the air doesn’t cause my blood sugar to spike.”

The two teens freeze, then burst into laughter as soon as the door slams behind the old man.

Dipper turns Pacifica in his arms to face him.

“Well would you look at that. Now we have the house to ourselves,” he smirks.

“Look at that,” Pacifica agrees, grinning.

[heart-of-the-morningstar]

✨Lucifer Morningstar NSFW Alphabet✨

Hey hey! Soooooo I saw some people doing the NSFW Alphabet for some of the Hazbin cast so I thought I would toss my hat in the ring! And of course I'll be doing it for the LOML Luci 💖

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

You already know, the King of Hell is the King of aftercare! Your sessions can go on for a while, so more often than not, you're absolutely spent. Luckily, Lucifer is at your beck and call. He'll give you whatever you need; cuddles, a bubble bath, a massage, a snack, and water of course! You're his Queen, after all, he'll sure as hell treat you like one!

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

I think Lucifer's favorite body parts are his hands. Not for the way they look, but for what they can do. He loves that his hands can roam every inch of your body, make you moan and whimper, make you scream his name, mark you. The fact that they can bring you so much pleasure makes him giddy! It's almost impossible for Lucifer to choose his favorite thing about you because he loves every bit of you! But if you pressed him about it, he would have 2 answers. The first is your lips, because the man is obsessed with kissing you! He'd do it all day if he could! Plus you have the most infectious smile, it warms his heart every time he sees it. The second are your thighs. Look me in the eye and tell me Lucifer is not a thigh man, you can't, it's impossible! Your lap is his favorite place to sit and to rest his head. Of course he LOVES plantings little kisses and hickies on your inner thighs when he's about to eat his favorite meal ;)

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

This goes without saying, Lucifer could survive on your cum alone if he was so lucky. Man is pussy drunk! He'll coax so many orgasms out of you just so he can get his fill of your juices. It's basically a drug to him. And of course he has no problem tasting his own once he's filled you up, definitely a different taste but one he enjoys nonetheless!

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

It's embarrassing for him, but Lucifer was smitten with you since he first laid eyes on you! He couldn't help but imagine all the things he would do to you and have you to do him if you ever gave him the chance. He mentally smacked himself for seeing you that way in the beginning, but GOD you were just an absolute angel! The amount of times this man jacked off to the thought of you before you were even together is way more than he'll ever admit to. If you accidentally bumped into him or touched his shoulder, rest assured that man was cumming into his hand that night because of it.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Lucifer is legitimately older than dirt, and had a wife for 10,000 years, he knows EXACTLY what he's doing! He makes it his personal mission to have you cum multiple times every session! Man invented eating pussy for Christ's sake!

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Old school as hell (literally lol), Lucifer loves missionary with you, but it's never boring! Every session with him is intimate and full of passion. He LOVES looking at when when he thrusts into you over and over, the facial expressions and noises you make when he makes love to you makes his heart melt! That being said, he loves any position where he can see your beautiful face, so PLEASE climb on top and ride that man into the next afterlife!

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Lucifer is the goofiest man to ever goof! I'd like to think once you two are super comfortable with each other, initiating sex becomes sillier. He would use old timey phrases like "hanky panky" or "horizontal mambo", but most of the time he would say something along the lines of "how's about you and me partake in a little bow- chicka-bow-wow :)"

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He has blond hair so his pubes are no different! Lucifer is very well kept and tidy in that area, the minimal hair he has down there stands out a little bit do to his pale white skin, but it's always perfectly trimmed!

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Intimacy master, let me tell ya! Lucifer has such a bleeding heart and is a hopeless romantic for sure! He only says the sweetest things to you when you make love. He hardly uses the term "fuck" as he thinks it's a bit too harsh considering how deeply passionate your sessions are. His praises are endless for you; "you're so beautiful", "you look like an angel", "you feel so good"

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

I touched on this earlier, but his masturbation sessions definitely lessened when you two started being intimate. Before that, Lucifer would probably masturbate to you AT LEAST once a day before you were a couple. When he started courting you, it got even worse because God forbid he initiate anything with you out of fear of scaring you away! But once you initiated, oh he was putty in your hands! After that, Lucifer gains a lot more self control, but he can't help but jack off to you every once in a while, but he'd much rather it be your hand~

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

PRAISE KINK PRAISE KINK PRAISE KINK!! Did I say praise kink?? Please praise this man when you're with him! Lucifer loves to know that he's doing a good job with you. Absolutely melts when you call him a "good boy". He adores hearing things like "You make me feel so good, Luci", "You're doing so well for me, my darling", "Just like that, sweetheart, just like that."

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

His room, of course! His bed is wide enough, for sure! But Lucifer would never restrict himself to just the bedroom. I hope you're ready to defile every flat surface in that mansion of his because he's fucking you in every single room. He has A LOT of rooms~

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

You. You turn him on. Every move you make, every sway of your hips, every laugh you make, Lucifer is GONE. But of course, teasing this man is a sure fire way to get him going. Wearing a short skirt around him and bending over seemingly innocently or placing a kiss on the pulse of his neck, dude is hard as a rock and you're so gonna get it when you two are alone! Good!

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

I feel like there isn't a lot that Lucifer wouldn't try at least once if you asked him to! But a big turn off for him is any mention of his ex-wife Lilith during an intimate session. He'd rather not think about her in that way anymore, he still hasn't fully recovered from her absence.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Oh baby, oh buddy, oh pal...you already know what I'm gonna say here! LUCIFER 👏🏻 IS 👏🏻 THE 👏🏻 KING 👏🏻 OF 👏🏻 CUNNILINGUS!!! This has already been said a million times but I'LL SAY IT AGAIN! He could live off eating your pussy alone!! Man needs his fill AT LEAST once a day, he absolutely WORSHIPS your pussy! He has a forked tongue and he knows PRECISCELY how to use it! Your womanhood will never know peace when you're with Lucifer Morningstar! Your pleasure always comes first pun completely intended but he'd never turn down a blowjob from you! He always gets so red in the face when he watches you suck him off~

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

You can count on one hand the amount of times Lucifer has been rough with you during sex, because it's extremely rare. He treats you like glass for the most part, always wanting to make the moment last as long as possible. He's VERY sensual when it comes to love making. Oh but when he's close to an orgasm, his pace picks up tenfold, almost too fast for you to register the amount of pleasure you're receiving. Almost~

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Quickies are definitely not Lucifer's thing. He views sex as a declaration of love, so to speak, it can't be rushed. However, there have been occasions where your over abundance of teasing caused him to snap and he had to push you onto the nearest surface and take care of you right then and there!

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Considering he's the literal King of Hell, Lucifer can take as many risks as he pleases. Who's going to stop him? Although he doesn't like to push it, he'd rather keep your love making sessions private. But, semi public sex is not out of the question, especially when he wants to pound you on the balcony of his mansion where the entire Pride Ring can hear your moans.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Lucifer's stamina is God-like, literally! He's not bound to the same restrictions as mortals so this man can go for literal hours if you let him! Of course you need a lot more breaks than he does and that's perfectly alright with him! But once you're ready to go again, it's off to the races!

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

You would definitely be the one to bring up toys in the bedroom with Lucifer. At first he might feel insecure because he thinks you need toys to help get you off, but that's the furthest thing from the truth! The first thing you bring up is a strap on, and oh my God, he's beet red. THIS MAN NEEDS TO BE PEGGED, DO YOU HEAR ME?? Pound that ass, he will fall even deeper in love with you than he already is!

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Lucifer isn't much of a tease himself, that's your department! The worst he'll do is squeeze your ass or place his hand a little too high up your thigh for it to be considered casual touching. His go to move if he's in a frisky mood will be to flash his signature V-shaped fingers over his mouth once he knows no one is watching.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Oh let me tell you something, this man is LOUD. Not in terms of actual words, but his sounds! Lucifer cannot help himself, his moans and pleas and whimpers are so fucking cute, you know for sure that you're doing something right when he mewls at the top of his lungs! It's music to your ears, this man is DESPERATE for you!

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

I made this headcanon a little bit ago, but I'm a firm believer that Lucifer is really not a fan of doggy style. He's such a romantic that his desire to see your face when you have sex is EXTREMELY strong. Sure you have a great ass that's fun to smack and grab at, but nothing compares looking into your eyes as you both cum.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Oh you know Lucifer is packing! He's not hung like a horse, but he's definitely larger than average, I would probably say around 7.5 -8 inches. Uncut. I will not explain further lol. His dick is slightly on the skinnier side in terms of girth but he knows exactly how to use it to make you scream~

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

When it comes to you, Lucifer's sex drive is through the roof! Sex marathons are not an uncommon practice between the two of you, a few had gone on for days at a time! If he could spent the rest of eternity inside of you, it would not be long enough for him.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Lucifer usually falls asleep after you, not just because he has stamina of heavenly proportions, but because he wants to make sure you're taken care of. You tend to crash pretty fast after a long session and he wants to make sure you're cleaned up before you zonk out. Once he knows you're alright, it's cuddle time baby and you know he uses his wings to cover the both of you when you drift off to sleep together.

[chiriwritesstuff]

The Girl in IT - 2. Off to the Races

A Boss! Joel Miller x IT Specialist F! Reader AU

Previous Chapter │ The LIST │ Series Masterlist

Chapter Rating: E (18+, MDNI)

Chapter Preview: You hesitantly reach for the massive bouquet, looking at the beautiful mix of colors in awe. "Joel," you breathe, "They're beautiful." "The woman at the shop said that certain flowers can have meaning. She asked me about you." He points to the flowers in your hand. "Lilies, well, they mean infatuation. Chrysanthemums, for excitement." He points to the pink rose. "For sweetness and admiration." "and the carnations?" "For fascination and enchantment." "Joel.. you don't mean that, do you?" He chuckles. "Oh, I absolutely do, Sugar. Those flowers are just my way of expressing what I already know."

Chapter Warnings and Tags: Joel Miller is hungry and wants to EAT, Smut, One massive Tess sized-cockblock, Boss x Employee relationship, Time Jumping to and fro, Joel Miller is a silly flirt, Joel jumps right in, Explicit language, Did I mention smut?, Soft boy Joel Miller

Word Count: 3.6K

A/N: You GUYS. YOU GUYS (!!!!!)

Thank you so much for all of the love for the first chapter of my silly little series with my even sillier Old Man Joel and his Sugar. I am absolutely flabbergasted by all of the likes, reblogs, and comments from all of you, it really means a lot to me! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea how much it means to me.

I have the first few chapters written and planned out, and I hope to post at least a new chapter once a week. I can't make any promises as I go back to work next week, but I will try. I apologize in advance if I skip a week, it is not my intention to let you guys down.

I hope you all enjoy!

Today. 

[Hey Sugar, are you in your office right now?]

Yes, did you need something, Mr. Miller?

[Yes, actually, I do. I'll come to you, don't leave!]

A knock on the door startles you.

"Hey, Sugar?" Tommy Miller's voice rings out from the other side of the door. "Have you seen Joel? I know he said he had to ask you about something, but that was an hour ago-"

"Yeah?" you reply, almost in a whine, your head tipped back in pleasure as you try to muffle a scream. "Joel? No, haven't seen him around. No, not since this—"

There's a pause, and then Tommy's voice comes again, this time with a hint of amusement. "Still wrestling with his laptop, huh? The man can't even change his wallpaper without causing a crisis. I'll check his usual spots. If you see him, tell him Tess needs him in her office, pronto."

Just then, the muted sound of a cough under your desk catches your attention. You look down to find Joel, crouched beneath the desk with a sheepish grin on his face.

"Now, where were we?" he chuckles, his eyes meeting yours with a mischievous glint.

“Joel!” You smack him playfully as you roll your desk chair back. “Tess will have your head if you don’t show up soon!”

“But I’m starving, baby! Just let me have a little snack-“ he pulls your chair back to him as he situates himself under your desk, lifting your skirt as he smiles at the sight of your barely-there scrap of lace one would call underwear. “Shit baby, is this for me?” He lowers his head to your aching cunt, his arms wrapping around your thighs as he pulls you closer to his mouth. He rubs the tip of his nose along your slit, a satisfied smirk forming on his lips. He licks at your covered mound, the tip of his tongue adding just enough pressure for you to gasp out in pleasure. “I asked you a question, baby girl. Who did you wear these panties for?”

“You,” you say breathily, covering your mouth to muffle up your moans as he plants kisses along your thighs. “You, Mr. Miller. Only you.”

“Who owns this pretty pussy?”

"You do, Sir."

"Damn right, I do." Joel licks his lips as he pushes your panties aside, licking your clit. "Fuck, she's aching for me, isn't she?" He locks his eyes with yours, his mouth hovering over your pussy. "Can I?"

You nod, not trusting yourself to keep quiet.

Joel shakes his head, displeased with your answer. "No baby, use your words-" he growls, nipping at your thighs as you wince in pain.

"PLEASE Joel, keep going!" He smiles at your eagerness, licking and parting your folds with his tongue. He pins you against his face, tightening his hold on you as your body trembles.

"Fuck, you taste so fucking sweet-"

"JOEL!" Tess's voice reverberates through the hallway, the urgency evident in her heavy-footed approach, each step echoing past your office door. "Has anyone seen him?!"

Joel lets out an exasperated groan, his head dropping onto your lap as you suppress a giggle. "Duty calls, Mr. Miller. Can't keep your boss waiting, can you?"

"I am the boss, just so you're clear on that."

"Sure, Joel, keep telling yourself that."

Joel crawls out from under your desk with a grunt, stumbling onto the carpet with a thud. "I'm definitely too old for this shit," he mutters, trying to regain his footing.

"It's your list, Mr. Miller. You make the rules, I just help you execute it," you quip, smirking as you extend a hand to help him up.  

He takes your hand, a mischievous glint in his eyes. He yanks you towards him, and you end up falling into his lap. "Right where I want you," he smirks, capturing your lips in a kiss.  

You smile as he starts to kiss along your jaw. "You are insatiable."

"Only for you, Sugar."

"JOEL, FOR FUCKS SAKE!" Tess bellows from across the building.

"You better go before she breaks down all the doors," you wince as you give him a small frown. "Again."

Joel sighs, pressing one last kiss on your forehead. "Fine, but once I'm done with Ms. Pain in my ass-"

"You're going to go back to work like a good boy?" you reply sweetly, straightening out your skirt as Joel heads towards the door. He gives you one last glance as he turns the doorknob, a hungry look on his face.

"This isn't over, baby girl. When I come back, I expect to eat."

Ten years earlier. 

"Joel! Tommy! Thank you so much for coming! Please, come in, come in!"

Joel straightens up and smooths out his flannel, nervously fiddling with his tool belt slung taut on his hips. He gives a curt nod to the client, turning to his side expecting to find Tommy next to him. His eyes narrow at the empty space. "Tommy, you fuck," he hissed under his breath at his brother, who was casually smoking a cigarette off to the side of the client's perfectly manicured lawn. "Put that out and stop fucking around, we're getting paid for this shit!"

Tommy takes a long drag, exhaling a long plume of smoke before flicking the cigarette onto the street. "This is small-time shit, Joel. We should be playing with the big dogs, not wasting our time doing residential work. How much was the bid?"

"20."

"Bullshit. This is no more than 5, and you know it. It's just a fucking scorched roof, and at only one side, it's not even a complete replacement."

Joel scoffs at his brother, his eyes narrowing in irritation. "Have you seen the size of this fucking house? We're in fucking Westlake Hills, for fucks sake. Think of the potential! Maybe we can convince them to replace the entire roof, replace their windows... fuck, I just want to make a good impression!"

"Oh, so is that why you're dressed like a fucking moron? Cowboy boots? Really? You're 46, not 26." he appraises him as he makes his way towards the front of the house. "Don't tuck in your shirt, man. I can see your fucking beer belly from here!" Tommy looks towards the front door, the client having already retreated into the home. He cocks his head and whispers to his older brother. "Is the wife hot? Shit. Maybe I should have run a comb through my hair-"

"They want this project done in a month." 

Tommy whips his head towards Joel. "Are you fucking KIDDING ME? JOEL-"

"Boys!" The client's voice cuts through the building tension between the brothers, a sweet conspiratory smile on her face. "Are you coming?" She looks out into the distance beyond the brothers, a big smile blooming across her face. "Oh, Sugar! come and meet the boys who are fixing up the roof, you know, the side where your antenna thing exploded?" She beckons to the figure who was suddenly behind them, motioning her to join their conversation.  

She's a sweet little thing, Joel muses, all nerves and jitters like a baby calf attempting to walk for the first time. So fucking cute, he thinks to himself. You were dressed for the brutality of the Austin summer, with barely there cut-off shorts and a tiny white baby tee, the sweat forming on your skin wetting the thin fabric, and if Joel looked hard enough, he swears he saw the outline of your nip-"

"Baby," the client rings out, forcing Joel to look away in embarrassment, a blush forming on his neck all the way up to his face. "You remember Joel Miller, the contractor we ran into in the mall?"

"Yeah. I remember. Hi, Mr. Miller."

You cringed as you approached, your head downcast as you awkwardly reached your overbearing mother. "Tommy, come and meet my daughter, we call her Sugar, because she's so sweet! She's back home from UT Dallas, she's working her way up to her master's in IT! We're all so proud of-"

"Mom," you whine, glaring at the ground as you shift around uncomfortably. "I don't think they care about what I'm doing at school."

"Don't be silly, Sugar," the mom chided with a dismissive wave. "These fine gentlemen surely appreciate a smart, capable woman, right, Joel? Tommy?"

Joel, momentarily caught off guard by the unexpected introduction, nodded with a friendly smile. "Absolutely, ma'am. Education is valuable, and we're glad to have such esteemed company. It's hard enough to go through earning your bachelor's, I'm sure it's hell trying to navigate trying to get your masters!" Joel clears his throat as he gives her a nervous smile. "You look great, by the way. You look well rested, I reckon this break is doing you some good."

Tommy, giving Joel an amused look, chimed in. "Smart is the new sexy, Sugar. Nothing to be shy about. I agree," Tommy winks at his brother as his smile widens at Joel's nervous shuffling. "Joel sure likes them smart and capable, alright."

You blushed, still uncomfortable with the attention. "Well, uh, nice to meet you, Tommy, and it's nice to see you again, Joel," You mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

"Pleasure to see you again too, Sugar," Joel replies.  

Tommy chokes on nothing as he witnesses his brother taking the girl's hand in his, placing a soft kiss on it. 

"Oh, brother of mine," he whispered to himself, shaking his head at seeing how smitten his brother was for you. "For fucks sake, what the hell am I going to do with you?"

Six Months and One Week ago.

"Sugar? Is that you?"

You turn towards the deep voice, smiling at the body that it's coming from. "Mr. Miller, it's nice to see you again. Thank you so much for this opportunity-"

"I heard from your mother that you got that Masters, I'm proud of you, girlie."

"Oh," you stammer, "It was nothing-"

"Don't do that," Joel says with a frown, shaking his head in disappointment.  

"Do what?" you ask, matching his frown as he steps towards you. You can't help but gasp at his sudden boldness. You keep your hands glued to your sides, willing yourself to not reach out to his chest. You forgot just how much he affected you, even if it's been a decade since you've seen him last. He's older, sure, with strands of grey peppered throughout his curly hair... but he's different too, the remnants of his boyish charm morphing into something harder, more rugged, more broad. You tremble under his scrutiny. You force yourself to meet his heavy gaze. "Do what?" you repeat out louder, your voice getting caught in your throat as you push an errant strand of hair away from your face. 

"You shouldn't downplay yourself like that. Earning something like your Master's is a big deal, don't sell yourself short like that, okay?"

You grant him a small smile. "Okay."

Joel, satisfied with your answer, nods. "Want to grab a cup of coffee with me?"

Six Months Ago.

"Are you sure she's good? Joel! Are you fucking listening?" Tess snaps, her fingers snapping for emphasis as Joel jolts in surprise. "It says here that she's been working at the Geek Squad for the last eight years; that's hardly enough experience to run an entire department—"

"She has her masters in Management Information Systems from UT Dallas, and the person who vouched for her-"

"Yeah, her mother? If she's as old as you, I highly doubt she can grasp what we need... what are we doing Joel? Are we just letting little old rich ladies headhunt for us now? I don't need no privileged priss in some ball gown running IT, we're a multi-million dollar company-"

"... who didn't even have a decent IT department in the first place, and now that Gloria is retiring, shit, Tess-" Joel runs his hands through his hair as he groans in frustration. "... she's better than everyone else we've interviewed, hell- at least we know that she's a lifer, being that she's worked for minimum wage at Best Buy for almost a decade! We have a chance to bring someone in to help out with the draftsmen, shit, she's even proficient in Revit! Tess, level with me: with her knowing that 3D modeling shit - we need her! More than she needs us!"

"So it's not that you want to fuck her, then?" Tess rolls her eyes as she throws your resume on his desk. "Yeah, Tommy mentioned your little high school crush on her, it's funny, you conveniently forgot to mention that-"

"Tess, don't."

"So if we decide to hire her, I won't catch you fucking her in your office? Her office? The conference room, the supply closet..." She glares at him, tipping her head back as she pinches the bridge of her nose in annoyance.  

"For fucks sake Tess, are we hiring her or not?"

Tess rises from her seat, running her hands down her slacks to straighten them, and gives Joel one last glance. With a half-smile, she shakes her head as she heads toward the door. "I'll email her an offer. If she takes it, she takes it... But, I will be starting her off at our base pay."

Joel nods, suppressing the urge to beam as much as he'd like. "That's fine."

"Oh? And Joel?" She pivots back to Joel, hand on the doorknob. "I didn't hear a no. If I catch you guys in my office, I will fucking castrate you, you hear?"

Two weeks ago.

To: Sugar0926@gmail.com

Fr: J.Miller@gmail.com

Subject: About that list...

11:30 am (30 min ago)

Sugar,

Thanks for saving my ass last night. The meeting with The H Hotel went off with a hitch and Tess was none the wiser for my little mishap... no harm, no foul, right? Right.

About earlier today, when you said "Let's do this", was that a "Yes, maybe?" or a "Yes, definitely?" because I would very much like to do this, with you, at your pace, of course. I don't want to pressure you or anything. I'm just fucking excited, you know? You have no idea how much I've wanted to talk to you back then... I let shit get into my head, you know? Fuck. I'm rambling.

Thank you for giving me a chance, Sugar. I promise I will do everything in my power to make it worth your while.

Joel

To: J.Miller@gmail.com

Fr: Sugar0926@gmail.com

Subject: RE: About that list...

11:45 am (0 min ago)

Yes, definitely. Yes to all of it. 

When do you want to start?

One week ago.

[Hey Sugar, are you busy?] 

Not at the moment, I'm about to clock out for lunch, what's up? Did you click on a phishing link again?

[Sugar, have a little faith! Say, I'm about to head out to lunch too, meet me in the parking lot in 5?]

That's rather forward and presumptuous of you, Mr. Miller. What if I had already brought lunch from home? What if I was looking forward to eating my adult lunchable?

[What the hell is an adult lunchable? It sounds terrible! What if I take you to that little Sushi joint down the road? Would that be enough to convince you to come out with me? I'll let you snack on the lunchable on the way there.]

Hey! Don't knock my charcuterie! Also, Doesn't that "little sushi joint" have a two-month waiting list? It's impossible to get in! I thought that it was only open for dinner?

[Baby, don't you know that we built that restaurant? Masayoshi is a good friend of mine, and he owes me a favor. All it takes is one call, what do you say? Nothing's impossible for my Sugar.]

Nothing's impossible for my Sugar. Sugar. My Sugar.  You read Joel's message over and over again, your stomach growling as you contemplate the current state of your life. If someone had told you six months ago that you would manage to not only crawl your way out of the depths of Geek Squad hell, snag a decent job, and catch the eye of your hot-as-fuck boss, you would have laughed in their face at how ridiculous that sounded. It is ridiculous - how one little mistake led to having everything you could have possibly wanted out of your minuscule life, hot man included. So what if you haven't had a serious relationship since college? It's not like you were with your ex long enough for you to go all the way, and even then, you weren't remotely even into him, he was too skinny and nerdy and didn't scream 'man' at all. His nervous laughter and awkward shaking did nothing for you. Joel, on the other hand- now that was a man. A man you wouldn't mind climbing like a tree, all thick and firm and sturdy...

[Sugar? You still there? Are we doing this or not?]

You snap out of your daydreaming, your decision already being made. Your hands shake as you type out your response, your fingers striking the keys with a finality that you never would have thought you would ever have the courage for.  Well, you think to yourself as you press enter.  Here goes nothing...

I'll be right there. See you soon.

[That's my good girl.]

"Hey, Sugar," Joel greeted with a playful grin from the driver's seat of his F-150, his arm casually resting on the open window. His eyes lingered on you as if savoring the moment. "Hop in, Masayoshi is heading over to the restaurant now."

You rolled your eyes with a teasing smirk as you approached the passenger side, clamoring into the cab with a bit of awkward grace. "Just like that? A single call to your chef friend, and he drops everything to cater to your every whim? Color me impressed, Mr. Miller."

Joel chuckled. "Well, what can I say? I am sort of a big deal." He reached for your hand across the center console, fingers intertwining, his thumb tracing soothing circles on your skin. "Is this okay, Sugar?" He lifted your hand to his lips, planting a gentle kiss. You couldn't help but smile, feeling a delightful flutter in your stomach. Turning your head away, you mumbled, "It's very okay, Mr. Miller."

"Now, what did I tell you?" Joel teased, a glint in his eyes. "It's Joel, none of this Mr. Miller nonsense. Save that for when we're crossing off items on my list, alright?"

You couldn't help but laugh nervously, a blush creeping up your cheeks as Joel's easy charm and forwardness caught you off guard. "You're going to be the death of me, Joel," you quipped, half-jokingly, half-serious, unsure how to navigate the sudden closeness. The air in the truck seemed to hum with a subtle tension, and you wondered if Joel could sense the rapid beating of your heart.

Joel's gaze held a playful sparkle, and he grinned. "Well, Sugar, I hope it's a good way to go." He revved the engine, and the truck rumbled to life as he pulled out onto the road. 

"So, Sugar, tell me something interesting about yourself," his fingers tapping the steering wheel to an imaginary beat.

You chuckled, playing along. "Well, Joel, I like to teach myself new things, I have a British shorthair named Sir Bubbles, you know, because I was obsessed with Bridgerton, And, by the way, it's Mr. Miller only when executing things on your list, right?" you teased, recalling his earlier remark.

Joel shot you a sly grin. "Sharp memory, Sugar. You're catching on quickly."

As you neared the sushi restaurant, the conversation seamlessly transitioned to lighter topics. Joel shared stories about his work, and how it felt working with Tommy and Tess, and you found yourself drawn into his earnestness and honesty. The playful banter continued as Joel made his way towards the edge of town, your cheeks hurting from how easy it was to smile in his company.

Parking the truck, Joel turned to you with a playful glint in his eye. "Ready for some sushi and more of my irresistibly charming company, Sugar?"

You roll your eyes, feigning reluctance. "Oh, the charm? I don't know if I can handle it, Mr. Miller."

He grins, opening your door with a flourish. "Well, brace yourself, because it's coming."

As you step out, Joel pauses, reaching behind your seat. "Wait a sec," he says, unveiling what looks like the botanical equivalent of a small garden. "A little something to brighten up your day."

You raise an eyebrow. "Is this part of the list?"

Joel chuckles. "Maybe."

You hesitantly reach for the massive bouquet, looking at the beautiful mix of colors in awe. "Joel," you breathe, "They're beautiful." 

"The woman at the shop said that certain flowers can have meaning. She asked me about you." He points to the flowers in your hand. "Lilies, well, they mean infatuation. Chrysanthemums, for excitement." He points to the pink rose. "For sweetness and admiration."

"and the carnations?"

"For fascination and enchantment." 

"Joel.. you don't mean that, do you?"

He chuckles. "Oh, I absolutely do, Sugar. Those flowers are just my way of expressing what I already know."

You playfully roll your eyes, holding the bouquet to your chest. "You're quite the charmer, Mr. Miller."

"Only for you," he replies with a wink, taking your hand as you both head towards the sushi restaurant. "After you, baby girl."

After lunch, you and Joel emerge to find the heavens have opened up, rain pouring down in sheets. Joel stops you in your tracks, his eyes locking onto yours with a mixture of sincerity and mischief.

With a twinkle in his eye, he asks, "Mind if I tick off the first thing on my list?" 

You smile, stepping closer to Joel as he tucks an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him, the both of you soaked to the bone.

"Yes please, Mr. Miller."

Taglist: @sarcasm-theotherwhitemeat, @gwendibleywrites, @joeldjarin, @brittmb115, @thewiigers,

@auteurdelabre, @quicax3, @casa-boiardi, @amyispxnk, @untamedheart81,

@paleidiot, @bbiophiliaa (I apologize if I missed anyone, but if you are looking for any of my fic updates, please feel free to follow my updates blog @chiriwritesstuffnotifs!)

As always, dividers by @saradika-graphics

[bigdumbbambieyes]

nsfw (spanking)

they start working out together simply because one day at the community pool, steve sees just how defined the blond’s shoulders and arms are and wants the same look. it’s that simple.

should’ve been, anyway.

because steve approaches him that same day and gives billy’s arm a playful squeeze as they linger in the changing room, making idle chat, and says, ‘looking cut, man. you got any tips for me?’ and billy leers. basically jumps on the opportunity.

so, of course, billy helps him out. invites him over when his old man isn’t around and pulls his weights out into the middle of the living room while steve watches, already chubbing up in his shorts because billy’s arms are flexing and his back is insane and it’s like a private little show just for him.

the first workout is fine. fucking ruins steve’s arms for three days afterwards, can barely lift them the next day, but it’s worth it when billy smacks his back in pride with a grin as he finishes a set. steve had driven back home in a hurry and jerked himself off at the front door once he was inside, imagining billy’s hands curled around weights and the way his breath came in short puffs and quiet grunts as he lifted.

it drives him fucking insane. and he hates the drive home afterwards, he’s jerked off in his driveway one too many times, so he offers to host. and billy agrees, with this knowing look that makes steve’s stomach flip in excitement.

billy coaches him as he lifts weights in the garage, touches his body probably more than he should, under the guise of needing to ‘correct his form’. and he leans in so close that steve can smell the mix of fresh sweat and cologne on his skin, it makes his palms slick with nervous, excited energy.

but then billy starts dishing out punishments.

they’re mostly silly ones, like steve has to do jumping jacks for every second he’s resting, or jog down the street and back if he can’t finish a set. he thinks billy’s evil for it, but after a handful of weeks, he can see the definition in his shoulders and back and chest and okay, maybe it isn’t so bad. billy’s really good at this and tells him so at their next session, smiling to himself when he catches the faintest hint of a blush on billy’s cheeks as the blond shrugs with a quiet ‘yeah, whatever’.

the punishments get a little sillier, like steve will have to cook them a post-workout meal and do the dishes right after, but only if he rests for longer than thirty seconds total. or, he’ll have to pay for billy’s movie ticket if they go to catch a flick at starcourt — even though steve has access for free. he starts to think that they’re dates, thinks that maybe billy is still annoying but it’s kinda endearing, kinda charming, like the way he smiles at steve’s dumb jokes — but no, they can’t be dates. right? billy can’t really be into him like that, right?

steve’s fooled himself into believing that until one day billy smacks his ass and yells, ‘c’mon harrington, one more!’ and steve has to slam the bar down into its place, his face growing hotter and hotter as the sting of the smack ebbs away, moves up to the base of his spine where it settles hot and electric. there’s something about the way they’re shining with sweat and lock eyes when he glances up, steve panting as he watches the way billy’s jaw drops, his tongue flicking over his teeth like a wolf about to devour its prey.

because billy notices his reaction almost instantly, the bastard. and he says, ‘every second you take a break is equal to one spank, princess.’

he earns twenty. and where there should be dread, there’s that familiar nervous excitement.

it’s like something has shifted into place between them once steve sets the bar down with a huff. billy’s quick to sit down on the bench and reaches over to pull him close, pulls steve down across his lap with a mean chuckle and the tightness in steve’s stomach has his breath hitching.

‘c’mon, man,’ he protests weakly.

billy chuckles, ‘you can say no.’

but steve doesn’t.

so billy does as he’s promised, he smacks the palm of his hand against steve’s ass a few times over the shorts and counts out loud, delighted. and steve burns. his face is hot and he’s grabbing the bench as his body rocks forward with each smack, fighting back pathetic little sounds as his cock gets harder and harder.

he’d never considered being into something like this before, but leave it to billy to drag it out of him.

‘how you doing down there?’ billy asks, his tone light and smug.

‘fine,’ he manages. only ten more left. shouldn’t be too bad.

but then billy’s hooking his fingers into the back of his shorts and peeling them down slowly, like he’s cherishing the reveal, before he’s rubbing and squeezing the flesh of steve’s ass where it’s probably pink and definitely stinging. it’s nice. fucking soothing, in a way, like he’s silently praising steve for being so good, for staying so still for him.

steve chokes on a moan suddenly, because billy’s quick to slap his palm down hard, just seconds after being so tender and gentle.

his ass is burning by the fifteenth smack and he’s holding back little sounds, huffs of breath and whines, because his dick is aching and rubbing against the edge of billy’s muscled thigh now. there’s no way billy can’t feel it.

‘last one,’ billy hums, and smacks his hand down again, grabbing and squeezing the irritated flesh so hard that steve finally breaks, a moan spilling from his lips as he ruts his hips forward.

the tip of his cock is soaking through his shorts by the time billy’s done and hauling him up onto his lap proper to face him, his blue eyes so intense as he savours the way steve’s flushed and desperate, humping his thigh like a dog as his jaw drops with a moan.

‘billy,’ he whines, and then the blond’s on him, grabbing the back of his neck to kiss him deep and filthy, like he’s claiming him.

growls, ‘fucking knew it.’ like he’s seen right through steve all this time.

he cums like that, with his dick pressed against billy’s thigh as the blond bullies his tongue into his mouth, biting his bottom lip and sucking on his tongue, pulling on his hair.

steve pants for air as he clings to him afterwards, his ass still stinging raw and tender, feeling like he’s just learned something new and embarrassing about himself to enjoy.

and then he feels just how hard billy is, how laboured his breath is, how he’s holding onto steve just as tightly.

he considers the thought that maybe billy’s learned something new, too.

[anonymouscatloaf]

"You know, he's the yin to my yang. He completes me."

So the funny part about Dan repeatedly calling Perry the yin to Doof's yang (besides the fact that he can just freestyle some Greek tragedy level bullshit about Doof & Perry's relationship on the fly for Radio Disney or an episode commentary track) is that at face value you might also be like, okay but why is Doof the "yang" (light) and Perry the "yin" (dark)?

I didn't say good vs evil because that's not what yin and yang are about. As a concept it's one of those terms from another language that have variable meanings in English depending on who's using it and why, but its most enduring interpretation - with the disclaimer that I am not a philosopher, just someone who is far too invested in overthinking relationships in a kid's cartoon - is the idea that they are opposing but complementary forces of the energy that the universe operates on.

It's a balance. According to Lao-Tzu, "everything is embedded in yin and embraces yang; through [vital energy] it reaches [harmony]". Two sides of the same coin, sun and moon, my other half - you get the idea. It's not hard to see why Perry and Doof are complementary but opposite; one can't exist without the other: Perry all but gives up evil when Doof has that brief dalliance with Peter; Perry has exactly two POV songs in the entire show and both of them relate to Doof, one of which explicitly states "[his] life, it seems, is empty" without Doof's scheming and he "gave [Perry's] life heroic cause"; and he straight up has no idea what to do with his life and makes the saddest platypus sound ever when Doof bans thwarting as Tri-Governor in LDOS.

On the other hand, Doof is a lot easier to see - partly because he actually talks (though Perry is actually one of the most facially expressive characters in the show - by necessity - though I digress). He's overt about his affections and very clingy (a result of childhood trauma and abuse/neglect by his parents) because Perry's his only real friend. He all but begs Perry to thwart him in that whale episode, he became really upset when Perry seemed to be helping him in the episode with the Dull-and-Boring-inator but was just using him to fix the problem with Phineas and Ferb, and he can't bear to leave Perry behind in Road to Danville, just to list a few sillier examples off the top of my head. Really, the entire B plot could be used as evidence.

(There's also the fun dynamic of Perry being an animal that has human-level sentience, and Doof being a human that was raised by animals - ocelots - during some of his formative years.)

So they're irrevocably intertwined. One of the most important characters in each other's life, according to Dan from SDCC 2015. The LDOS ending song even puts Perry smack dab in the middle of the Doofenshmirtz family with Heinz, Vanessa, and Norm - two other characters deeply wrapped up with Perry as a result of Doof himself. I mean, look at them:

Yeah, this was an excuse to make you look at one of my favorite scenes and witness Perry's hopelessly fond smile, not sorry.

Anyway, back to yin-yang. They were originally ascribed to just "day" and "night", and eventually came to also mean "movement" (because you work during the day), and "rest" (because you sleep at night). In terms of qi, they embody heaven and earth, and in the collection of essays of the Huainanzi, "yang is generated from yin and yin is generated from yang [...] sometimes there is life, sometimes there is death, that brings the myriad things to completion". Technical details of Chinese philosophy aside (which I'm sure exactly nobody is considering when they call someone the yin to their yang - it's really just the "you complete me" part), the words themselves also have various opposing definitions: positive/negative, active/passive, sun/moon, overt/covert, etc etc etc you get the idea.

In terms of their relationship, Doof has the more active role. He's one who makes the crazy inators and plots elaborate traps and monologues everyday; Perry usually just reacts to that accordingly. Doof play-acts at a lofty, larger-than-life "evil", while Perry keeps him grounded ("you are my rock" and "having you around just makes me feel, you know, safer"). Perry isn't necessarily a wholly passive character, but also, like, a lot of his plot is just Shit Happens and Perry Has to Deal With It. Doof is overt about his "evil" schemes and can't stand even white lies. Perry spends his entire life hiding aspects of himself and keeping secrets from his loved ones, and he has a whole song in CATU about being an unrecognized hero. One of these characters is living in the "dark" more than the other...

Doof is overflowing with emotions - most of them negative, but also love: so much so that his daughter feels smothered, because a lot of that love (while borne of good intentions) is misguided, and Doof fails to actually listen to her; it takes a few rocky starts (helped along by Perry himself) before they get to the point where Vanessa considers her dad a "misunderstood genius" and convinces him to give up evil. On the other hand, Perry keeps his cards close to his chest - it's not that he doesn't know how to emote (he clearly adores his boys in ATSD and he apparently is happy to hang out with Doof as a friend outside of his job enough that he has a whole wallet of photos of them just goofing off together), he doesn't because of necessity. He's better than anyone at separating his work life (fighting evil) from his pet life (pretending to be a mindless animal) from his personal life (how much he loves his family, watching his silly dramatic soaps, having a petty streak and sassing Monogram a bit, is genuine friends with Doof).

As a result, he is full of emotions he rarely gets to express - around the Flynn-Fletchers specifically, because Doof does know he's sentient, which is another reason I think they click. Doof gets the single-minded attention he never had; Perry gets the treatment as an equal he never had. They both gain a friendship, and a new sort of family. There's a part of their life imbalanced when the other isn't present.

The yin and the yang. They complete each other.

[linaisfunny]

Siren headcanons but they’re not TOOOOOO sad (only a little)

#1. He’s bad at math. He is BAD at math. “Quick, what’s 3 X 6?”

“Huh?……….4?”

But he’s a prodigy at English/history MAYBE science if I’m feeling nice today. Like Sharkspear over here doesn’t know 2 + 2.

2#. He’s good at singing. (Please give him SOME talents yall he can’t only be a goofy goober). His mother named him Siren for a REASON. He loves doing it to, him and his dad used to sing together when he couldn’t sleep. It’s a softer part of him. However, he is MORTIFIED to do it infront of others. He was caught by Kappa one day and never lived down the embarrassment. (Kappa DEF begged him to sing again)

(Listen to caraphernelia by Pierce the veil. Emo but accurate)

3#. His hair is actually wavy/pretty curly. (Shoal kinda looks like he does) but has NO idea how to take care of it so he just leaves it sticking up. He’d be the type of kid to smack his hairbrush against his head while crying. He’s broken brushes and can’t even USE combs.

4#. He has a lighter voice. Softer and sillier. Like, Kappa would have the deeper quieter of the two while Siren would sound like a cartoon character. Or new reporter but sillier. The second you talk to this guy you just KNOW he’s gonna be your best friend till you walk away. Like, it’s not harsh but it has bass to it. He’s not particularly loud but you WILL hear him if he wants to be heard. VOICE CRACKS WHEN HES HAPPY.

5#. He THRIVES talking to people. Loved it. Could talk for HOURS and still want to keep going. Talking about life, their thoughts, his thoughts, stupid rants. Anything. He takes control of group convos and just LEADS. Why? Because he’s just charming and funny, literally social sweetheart. Always DELIGHTED to make new friends.

6#. He is literally a walking cartoon character. His voice, the way he talks, the things he says, his laugh, the way he talk with his hands, the way he reacts literally EVERYTHING about him is so expressive and fun to watch. He’s the funnest person to talk to because he’ll ALWAYS give you a reaction and funny joke. He’s basically pinkie pie just as a dude and shark.

Blue pinkie pie.

7#. Cries to art. He is MOVED by music and paintings and LITERATURE and literally everything that the arts includes.

8#. (YOU CAN IGNORE THIS ONE ITS CRINGE) but since he wasn’t able to really spar and train with the other sharks, I think he’d be on the softer, plusher side. Easy to hide through clothes or sucking in with the public but I dunno. I thought it would make sense. He would be DEATHLY insecure though. Sorry Siren ❤️

9#. He is the FUNNIEST mf in the entire Shark castle. Like he’s so naturally witty and sharp that people are intimidating. Comedic gold. (Or it could be his complete resting bitch-COUGH-unamused face) He’s just so clever and uses that to make jokes and make others laugh.

10#. He giggles like “hehehe😈” and laughs like “HAHAH *gasp* HAHAHA” on repeat. Hyena laugh but it’s cute. Throws his head back and laughs loudly and freely. Siren definitely has a smile that just RADIATES joy and happiness. Sweetest thing ever.

11#. Adores horror, but definitely jumps and screams at jump scares. Like, he’ll search and listen to horror stories for HOURS but then be too paranoid after to turn the lights off. Loves the thrill of it. Then hates the anxiety after.

12#. He’s a goofy goober. Just a funny guy. (Pretty neurodivergent). He’s shark Jerma basically. Or a nicer Scout. But he is just a silly guy.

[stormblessed95]

Jikook in Yet To Come in Busan Behinds Bangtan Bomb

Full video

I'll just solely be focusing on the jikook moments we got through this video, not every thought or thing every member did, but it's so much fun (its hard to not be a yoongi simp 24/7 on this blog lol). I love them all so much and one thing jikook is going to do is be consistent!

Starting off with maknae line Warm ups and giggles together! Wow at Jimins strength though! The EASE he does those workouts with. WOW

Being silly and goofy practicing their part in the choreo lmao

Hobi telling Jimin he needs to get to the front faster during the choreo and then Jikook laughing about how fast Jimin moved after that. Lmfao and JK just dropping all honorifics all the time. "Jiminie"

Whose butt did Jimin smack?? Lol

Next day of practice has the accidental run in and the cute little "Oh!" from JK in reply to JM.

And the final practice before they leave for Busan (day before Jimins birthday) has jikook singing Spring Day all cuddly. Jimin just resting along JKs back and as they walk around and then getting silly and finishing up Spring Day into JKs mic even though the music accidentally cut out on them. It just gives a really cute visual of them having spent the whole melodic song all cuddly and walking around swaying like that 😭🥺

Jikook doing the Rush Hour choreo to Hobi lol

3J staying later than everyone else to first help Yoongi do extra practice and also review and practice more themselves too. Always. Jikook smiling so big and loving life as they practice a little sillier too

And the cut at the end lmfao

Hobi filming a vlog to end the day and jikook just hanging out in the mirror in front him and being silly and then just.... being all close together and whispering and smiley and happy together. It's so cute

And then we are in Busan and it's Jimins birthday! Jimin asking JK to be careful when jumping over Yoongi 🥺

Jikook being all touchy while watching the robot. What were they doing back there? Lmao you can barely see JK

And boy were vmin in a mood. Lmfao so much silliness. And during the encore rehearsals, Tae going around and putting everyone's hoods up and then Jimin following him and pulling their hoodie strings tight 🤣 Jimin pulling JKs hood here

I loved seeing them all together like this again. I was missing them! Wrapping up this post with the observation that when sitting around in rehearsals (again, because it happens with so many behind bombs) Jikook sit/stand right next to each other like 80+% of the time. Lol it's super cute. The magnetism that draws them together! Plus the cute observation of how they love just being close together and touching when they sit on a couch together, even though everyone else is good with leaving breathing room between the seats and there was definitely enough room for them to seperate a smidgen. But why would they want to?!

It's the constant consistency. This is why I always say they are fine. They still share little intimacy moments. They still seek each other out constantly when not doing something else. They still seek out and are very receptive of each other's touches. They are sweet. And I loved seeing them again, even if it was from last year. Looking forward to more!

[basedkikuenjoyer]

Bases Loaded

No I will not go one step further until we address this. Gnawing a tree down into a big baseball bat is one thing, I can understand that. The hair aviator goggles were pretty believable. Did...did this mofo just conjure paint and a batter's helmet? This is seriously the strangest G5 bit by far and that's saying something when we also had:

Getting the cuffs smacked off is my favorite touch. The baseball gag though, it's so funny and I love it but it really does feel like a new level of cartoon silliness. Trivia time! Where else have we seen a baseball theme? Baroque Works, Mr. 4 & Mr. 9. And I can't help but notice the more cartoon art style is leaking. The demon Gorosei are evil looking but it's still a very flowy family of designs. The giants do too, lighter and sillier. Even get some weird stuff like an almost Dutch Angle shot as they're running away. Noticed last night the anime is getting in on this too. It slowly escalated throughout manga Egghead, so if we're doing stuff like introducing sparkly transitions now I'm curious what Toei does with this leg of the arc.

For all that weirdness around the main scene though I don't want to miss this. Because it was subtle but if you've been following along you'll probably recognize the core thread. Jinbei arrives, Zoro has won but is wasting time because Lucci stayed on his feet. So Jinbei smacks the shit out of him. It's hilarious but he knocks Lucci right to someone he can report to. We saw this type of thing in the Onigashima Raid. It was nice to let Jinbei have his time to shine early in the arc and he was solid for going to grab Zoro...but it's kinda like Nami and Luffy. You can't quite reign him in. Think like Usopp making shoddy repairs until we got a proper Shipwright.

That's the type of thing I see as justifying the final role of a Quartermaster regardless of who it may be. It rings hard when it's Jinbei coming up short. But he is just the Helmsman. Like the other adults his arc should be lightening up. One of those big reasons Kiku at least works as a template is because there's someone who'd make sense to find freedom in being more of a fussy tightass.

Oh huh? Never mind all that...Robonosuke. This dude is huge! Like, my goodness I knew he was big but this mecha monstrosity looks primed to wreck shit. Good cliffhanger. Ready to see what he does. Sad we're going to have to wait a bit but I've gotten used to it.

All this though, it leaves us in familiar territory for Egghead. Feels like we just escalated again while still not changing the core issues. The Straw Hats are roped into stuff that doesn't concern them, they're taking their eyes off the ball, being a little too loose and carefree is causing all this to spiral. Definitely have to prepare ourselves for the real possibility we come back and launch into another cutaway segment. But we'll have a few weeks to chat about that sort of thing.

[aka-indulgence]

Overflow

(ehe…. vent fluff… prepare for Not Proper Writing I guess)

sads about stuff other people said that made (reader)’s brain go “aaaa” and Sans is there to tell you how much he means to him

—————

You were hoping Sans wasn’t paying attention to you haphazardly throwing together your (and his) dinner. It’s just some.. noodles and some onions… some instant broth… You dropped the knife and threw it to the sink with more force than necessary. You could almost, physically feel Sans turning his skull around to look at the kitchen.

“you ok in there?”

“Everything’s good!” You answered, also with more force than necessary. If he could see your smile you’d probably look kinda insane.

You make noodle soup with anxious energy. It felt like it took forever for the water to boil. You put the bowls on a tray and carry it out to the living room.

Sans looks at you expectantly (and with some worry) as you put it down on the table in front of you. The tray hits the table with a smack! sloshing the soup, which ended up on your hand. The burn from the boiling hot liquid was instant.

“Argh!!!” You exclaimed, running to back to the kitchen.

“shit, are you ok?” Sans’ brows are furrowed as he followed you to the sink.

“It’s fine! I’m sorry.” you quickly said, staring hard at your injured hand like it was the cause of all your problems.

It felt like you’ve been on a thin string all day. You had a stumble at work, and someone had made a comment on how clumsy you are. It… it wasn’t a lot. It’s not like you were outright bullied. But for some reason it stung somewhere in your chest and has been floating around your mind for the rest of the day. You felt stupid. The harder you tried to ‘get over it’ the more your brain just wanted to focus on it. And you felt even sillier, because it just made you want to cry more. And over what?

The tears were threatening to spill over your eyes as you held your breath, turning the faucet further. Maybe so the water would drown out the sounds of you sniffling.

Gently, a hand reaches beside you over your hand on the faucet, closing it. Sans takes a paper towel and dabs it around your wet hand, wiping it with… almost too softly. Somewhere at the back of your mind the memory of someone patching up your cuts as a child surfaces and your tears fall.

… Of course Sans is completely oblivious to your spiraling thoughts, and doesn’t know why you started to sob.

“… buttercup?” Sans frowned. “what’s… what’s wrong?”

He doesn’t say anything when you lean forward to hug him, hiding your face in the hood of his jacket. You stand there for a while, letting your shoulders shake.

After a while, you said “Sans…”

“yes?”

“Do you think I’m good enough?”

… Long pause.

…

“wh… what do you mean by that?”

“Adequate. Not stupid.” you answered bitterly.

Instantly, he holds your shoulders, his forehead against yours.

Gently, he prompted “where did you get the idea that you’re not?”

“…” You didn’t look at his eyelights. You’re too embarrassed.

“… ok, that doesn’t matter right now. but please don’t say that.” Sans plead. “because you have no idea how… how much you are,”

He mumbled for a bit before he added “how much of a treasure you are.”

Oh man. There goes your tears again.

“i… feel so lucky that you’d want to be with a lazy, ketchup-drinking skeleton like me,” he chuckled, corner of his grin lifting.

“Y… you’re smart and funny,” you said almost automatically, “… and handsome,”

His smile gets wider. “exactly why i feel so lucky. how can i have this… beautiful, wonderful human look at me and… and love me? (y/n). you’re more than enough. i don’t care whatever anyone says about you, how you got the idea that you might not be ‘good enough’- to me, you’re… you’re overflowing. you’re smart…. and you’re kind. more than i am. and i think that’s much more admirable.”

You rubbed your face, hiccuping a little.

“hey. you aren’t your mistakes. so let’s not pretend you are,” Sans eyed the knife in the sink, “you’re (y/n). and i’m the lucky monster who can call you my date. come eat with me?”

You’re thumbing the sleeve of your shirt when he asked.

“Only if we’re watching something funny. Or cute.”

“ok, animal videos…. like an old person?”

“Yep.”

He kissed your cheek and bridal carried you to the living room. Neither of you are bothered by the cool soup.

[grailfinders]

Fate & Phantasms Viewers' Choice #13: Nero (DMC V)

today on Fate and Phantasms we’re going for some Smokin’ Sexy Style by playing D&D as Nero Nolastname, that guy with the really cool theme music. Now if you’ll give me a sec, I have to smack my head against a wall a couple times to make sure I’ve completely forgotten anything about the Tulok video so this build can be original. as original as building an existing character can be, anyway.

okay, we’re back. that’s the magic of text-based fiction! so, Nero’s mostly an Ascendant Dragon Monk to get a collection of cool arms that also let him set up some ridiculous combos going, as well as a Samurai Fighter to improve his healing factor and take those combos to even sillier levels. finally, he’s a Fiend Warlock, because… that’s literally how his bloodline works. bang bang bang, pull his devil trigger, and so on.

Check out his build breakdown below the cut, or his character sheet over here!

Race and Background

I know Aasimar are traditionally ½ celestial and you’re only ¼ demon, but screw it, Fallen Aasimar. that gives you +2 Wisdom and +1 Dexterity, as well as Celestial Resistance to radiant and necrotic damage, Darkvision up to 60’, and Healing Hands so you can touch yourself for a little boost. seriously, he has a hand that does that. arguably he has a lot of hands that do that, but he has one hand made for it, is the point I’m tryna make. he’s also a Light Bearer for the light cantrip, and at level three his Celestial Revelation will teach him how to make a Necrotic Shroud. that makes him look all creepy, forcing a charisma save on nearby enemies or they get frightened. also, once per turn you can add your proficiency bonus in Necrotic Damage to an attack or spell. it’s not quite what it used to be, but turning into a pseudo-demon is still plenty fun.

finally, Nero was a member of a holy order of knights, but I’m also in the middle of making the faerie knights while writing this and so I’m sick to death of giving builds the knight of the order background, so Nero will have to make due with the Soldier background instead for proficiency in Athletics and Intimidation. video games are like 90% fighting anyway, right?

Ability Scores

first up is Dexterity- move fast baby, don’t be slow. after that is Constitution- devils are unsurprisingly not gentle- that’s why they cry. third up is Charisma, because that’s how you get magic from demons. (You also end a five-game-long blood feud in a single fight, which must be a high roll.) your Wisdom isn’t that great- I’m not knocking Nero’s vision, but when your theme music is constantly blaring everywhere you go it’s going to drown out a lot of noise. your Strength also isn’t anything to write home about- I know Nero can fling cars around, but we only have so many points and it’s not necessary for the build. speaking of things that aren’t needed for the build, Intelligence. you have a lot of robot hands, but you didn’t make ‘em.

Class Levels

1. Monk 1: if you want to run around in just a coat and not die, monk’s a pretty good choice. starting off, your Unarmored Defense adds your wisdom to your AC as long as you’re not wearing armor, hence the name.

you also learn some Martial Arts, letting you attack using your fists or monk weapons using dexterity instead of strength, and also dealing at least 1d4 of damage, which grows as you level up. no, you don’t start with end game equipment. finally, you can make an unarmed attack as a bonus action.

one last thing- you’re proficient in Strength and Dexterity saves, as well as Acrobatics to ride on your own hand easier and Religion because you’re the grandson of the guy people made a religion about.

2. Monk 2: second level monks get Ki points equal to their monk level per short rest, which you can spend to do cool demon stuff like dashing, disengaging, dodging, or attacking twice as a bonus action. you’ll also get more uses for it later as your devil breaker collection grows.

you also get some extra slick reaction times thanks to your Unarmored Movement. As long as you’re not wearing armor, you gain an extra 10 feet of movement speed, which also grows as you level up.

Finally, you can gain access to your longsword (once you have proficiency in it) using your Dedicated Weapon. If you spend a rest with a weapon that isn’t two-handed or heavy, you can turn it into a monk weapon.

3. Monk 3: At level three, your devil breaker arsenal explodes after you learn some new tricks from an Ascendant Dragon. Or demon, either or. Like any monk you can Deflect Missiles, blocking ranged attacks and possibly counterattacking if you reduce the incoming damage to 0.

More importantly you become a Draconic Disciple, giving you three bonuses. You can make your Draconic Presence known when you fail an Intimidation or Persuasion check, using your reaction to re-roll the check. Once you succeed this way, you can’t use it again for a day.

You can also make a Draconic Strike, changing the damage type of your unarmed strikes to acid, cold, fire, lightning, or poison. As far as I’m aware devil triggers usually only come in fire and lightning as far as we are aware, but there’s nothing wrong with staying flexible. you also get the Tongue of Dragons, letting you learn Abyssal for free.

Finally, you can use the Breath of the Dragon as part of your attack action, replacing one attack with a cone or line of energy of one of the types listed above, dealing two martial arts dice in damage to everything that fails their Dexterity save in the area. You can use this proficiency times per day for free, or by spending two ki points. Having to break your arm to use your most powerful attacks may be annoying, but you always have a spare.

so: lightning spread for Overture, fire line for Gerbera, fire spread for the Mega Buster, and probably poison spread for the Monkey Business. you have no idea how long those bananas have been sitting there.

4. Monk 4: fourth level monks get their first Ability Score Improvement, so bump up that Dexterity for better dodging and faster sword-swinging. you can also Slow Fall now, making it less risky to pull off those mid-air combos. you also get Quickened Healing, letting you patch yourself up as an action by spending ki points.

5. Monk 5: fifth level monks get an Extra Attack, making your combo game even better, as well as letting you turn those attacks into Stunning Strikes. now you can add a stun to your lightning punches to really start a symphony of pain. plus, if you juust miss an attack you can use some ki points to get Focused Aim, helping you bring up your attack roll by spending more ki points. dropping combos suck, don’t do it.

6. Fighter 1 your combo game is almost legendary enough, but it needs something… more. bouncing over to fighter will help. first, you get a Dueling fighting style, as well as proficiency with a longsword, to really crank up your damage. you could wield a longsword with two hands, but since ol’ righty’s busy not existing I’ll just assume you’re doing it with one.

you also get a Second Wind so you can heal up once per short rest as a bonus action. healing is good, especially when the alternative is death.

7. Fighter 2: second level fighters can make an Action Surge once per short rest, really giving you that smokin’ sexy style you’re known for. with this, your extra attack, and your bonus action, you can pile on up to six hits in a single turn, mixing between your sword, unarmed attacks, and maybe even some dragon breath if you want to mix things up.

8. Fighter 3: at level three you become a Samurai, kind of, giving you proficiency in Persuasion. that war in your family is going to take a pretty high DC check to stop, better start training now.

you can also use your Fighting Spirit as a bonus action for five temporary HP and advantage on all weapon attacks this round. so when you want to go all out, you can either go for flurries of robo-punches, or a revved up sword blender- as the situation warrants.

9. Monk 6: now that we’ve got your combos down, let’s get a lot cooler. your Ki-Powered Strikes make your unarmed attacks magical, because… yeah, of course they are, they’re magical robot arms.

also we finally get to the punchline with Wings Unfurled letting you hop on your robot arm and get a flying speed equal to your walking speed proficiency times per day when you use your step of the wind. I’d definitely say flying 90’ in a round was worth the wait.

10. Warlock 1: I’m sure a couple of you have noticed by now- we don’t have a gun! I mean we technically do if you want a hand crossbow from fighter, but that doesn’t really work with our monk stuff, so… let’s get one that leaves our hands free for fighting anyway.

as a Fiend warlock, you have the Dark One’s Blessing, giving you a more long-term healing factor. every time you take a creature to 0 HP, you get temporary HP equal to your Charisma modifier plus your warlock level. right now that’s only 2 every kill, but it’ll get better as we go, don’t worry.

you also gain Pact Magic, letting you cast a few spells every short rest using your Charisma. grab Lightning Lure for your first grapply hand, Hellish Rebuke to keep the pressure up even when its not your turn, Hex to really pile on the style, and of course, Eldritch Blast for your hand cannon. since we waited so long to get this, you can fire off two shots in an action now, or three next level.

speaking of…

11. Warlock 2: second level warlocks get Eldritch Invocations, and for once we’re not grabbing improved pact weapon right away. first off, Agonizing Blast adds your charisma modifier to all eldritch blast attacks, making your hand canon more of a canon. second, Grasp of Hadar means your blasts are pulling double duty, both as your gun and your grapplehand. once a turn, you can pull a creature you hit with Eldritch Blast closer to you by 10’.

there really isn’t another first level spell I want, but Witch Bolt is pretty consistent, especially given how easy it is for you to catch up to people.

12. Monk 7: now that all the pieces of your offensive kit are finally together, we can focus on defense a bit. now you know Evasion, making your dexterity saves one step better than most people’s. i-frames are just silly, man. also your Stillness of Mind lets you end effects charming or frightening you as an action. most demons are completely immune, and even if you’re only part demon it’s still a solid defense.

13. Monk 8: eighth level monks get another ASI let’s grab the Resilient feat to bump up your Charisma and give you proficiency in Charisma saves. I’m pretty sure you can’t get banished, but let’s make sure of it. it would suck to drag yourself all the way to hell for a fight just to get kicked back to the material plane.

14. Monk 9: ninth level monks get an Unarmored Movement Improvement, letting you run up walls and over water, as long as you end your turn somewhere solid. no word on if this lets you hop on enemy’s heads like Mario, but that sounds cool enough I’d allow it.

15. Monk 10: tenth level monks have a Purity of Body, which means you can’t be diseased or poisoned. you run around some pretty nasty places when you fight, best not to worry about the sewer water in your cuts.

16. Monk 11: eleventh level monks have an Aspect of the Wyrm you can activate once a day for a minute as a bonus action. this creates a 10’ radius aura that either makes you frighten a creature in this area once a turn, a minute per creature, or you can give your allies resistance to one of the five elemental choices from earlier. demons are tough, you are demon, do the math.

I know I said this was once a day, but you can also do it again by spending three ki points.

17. Warlock 3: okay, basics down, you’re tough as hell, you combo good- lets make the sword a little spicier. the Pact of the Blade makes your longsword magical, and you can use an action to summon it out of the ether. you can make the sword yourself, or turn any magical weapon into your pact weapon, your choice.

also grab Earthbind to drag flying enemies to the ground. you can go up to them, or they can come to you. again, your choice.

18. Warlock 4: for our last ASI, bump up your Charisma again for stronger shots, more health per kill, and to just look cooler when you hit stuff.

you also get Blade Ward for resistance to physical damage types for a round because god knows you didn’t have enough damage types to block, as well as Misty Step. I know you’re already fast enough that this barely helps, but flash stepping is still cool. that, and sometimes you don’t want to break a window to get in. you’re not Dante, after all.

19. Warlock 5: fifth level warlocks get third level spells like Spirit Shroud for the most spice a sword can handle. now you can deal radiant, necrotic, or cold damage on your sword, (none of which account for it catching fire, admittedly) and you slow enemies and prevent them from healing while in the area. it’s not quite witchtimey enough to be Ragtime, but there’s only so many levels we can throw into magic.

you also get an Improved Pact Weapon, finally, so you can use your sword to cast your spells, and it’s a +1 blade to boot.

20. Warlock 6: for our final level you get the Dark One’s Own Luck for the ultimate in protagonist powers- once a short rest, you can add a d10 to a check or save before you find out how well you did. some fights are literally just save after save after save, best come prepared.

speaking of saves, the best saves to make are the ones you don’t have to roll. grab Counterspell to make that dream a reality. I know Nero can’t completely negate attacks in game, so just chalk this up to his improbable dodging skills.

Pros and Cons

Pros:

so first off, the big one. you’re fast as hell, with 50’ of movement speed, the ability to run up walls, and you can fly. flying monks are terrifying, just look at how many tables straight up banned Aarakocras before they got nerfed literally into the ground.

you also deal good damage, a lot of it, very quickly, in a lot of different flavors. use hex or spirit shroud to add a little damage to every attack, then make six in a single turn while also switching up your damage type on every unarmed strike- it’s like a rainbow of pain. a painbow, if you will. if something has a weakness, you will know. if they have a resistance, you can avoid it.

speaking of, you have a lot of resistances, making you surprisingly hard to kill. you can block elements, holy and unholy damage, physical strikes- if you know what you’re fighting, you can fight it for a lot longer. on top of that, you can heal yourself in multiple ways, including when you kill something or when you’re about to kill something. which is 90% of the time.

Cons:

this build is pretty MAD, and I’m not just talking about the darkness of night falling around your soul. no, I mean Multi-Ability Dependent. we need dexterity for your sword and ac, constitution to not die, wisdom to multiclass, and charisma for your gun and grapples. that’s a lot, and its why we couldn’t get more fun punching stuff like Crusher to really sell your super strength.

you also have to manage multiple resources at once, most of which have some pretty tight limits. you’ve got three fighting spirits per day, plus 11 ki and two spells per short rest. Nero takes a pretty big brain to play, even if he has negative intelligence.

while flexibility is the name of your game, you do have a couple skills that require you to lock in what you’re doing ahead of time. if you use hex or spirit shroud you’re probably not going to use dragon breath for a while. if you use Aspect of the Wyrm you’d best know exactly what kind of enemy you’re going up against, or you just wasted your resistance. it’s not the end of the world since most of the time demons are either one-note or your dad, but it’s something to keep in mind.

[theflowerofthecommonwealth]

Power Armor Punch Part Forty Eight

Masterlist

Teshteal: Oh- but I’m sorry. It looks as if our store does not carry that selection. *audible overdramatic sigh with a fake apologetic customer service voice* We only sell the finest of filthy dresses- what you’re looking for is too clean. Now excuse me. I have to restock our wares. *tosses the dress aside enthusiastically*

Lucille: What’s taking them so long?

Nick: Not sure. Hope they’re alright.

Gardio: *adjusts his own fedora* What are we to do if they aren’t but rescue them? After all, Linus only left a few minutes ago. Give them some time.

Jasmine: (Softly chuckles as she puts her dress back in her bag. She spots a mini safe under some rubble and picks it up, staring at it curiously. She takes out a bobby pin and a screwdriver, picking the lock easily and removes its contents that includes a ridiculous and overly done feathered ladies hat for some reason. Partly amused she holds it up to Teshteal, tilting her head to one side as the brightly colored feathers flap with the movement)

Teshteal: Oh! *claps* What a nice hat! We should keep it! *quietly to himself* I’d wear it but I have horns. *louder* I wonder how it would look on you? *bouncing excitedly on his feet*

Nick: So I hear you’ve been doing detective work-

Gardio: Free lance. I tend to roam about, rarely ever coming back to Hangman’s Alley.

Lucille: You lived in Hangman’s Alley this entire time?! And we never crossed paths until now?!

Gardio: I prefer not to stay in the Alley… *points at his face* I don’t want anyone getting sick because of my sheer existence.

Jasmine: (Shakes her head at that idea of her wearing it as she closely examines the hat. Might’ve been some sort of prewar fancy luxury brand that probably cost an arm and a leg to but which must’ve been why the owners decided to put it in a safe. Can’t understand why something like this was once so desirable, it’s completely useless now. She holds it out to Teshteal so he can take a look)

Teshteal: *takes it an examines for a moment* It hurts my eyes. *puts it on top of his fedora but doesn’t try to force it past his horns. He looks even sillier now* How do I look?

Gardio: Nick… *sighs regretfully* About what happened before the war- at Cainbridge, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t step in when the department-

Nick: Gardio, that was 200 years ago. You wouldn’t have been able to change much-

Gardio: I could have done something. The best I could do was try to look for Winter myself but then- *purses his cracked lips as he looks up at the sky* I didn’t see the point after the war. I ran. Helped people, yeah, but I couldn’t finish what you started.

Nick: *pauses for a moment as he realizes what he’s talking about* Don’t worry about it. *smirks* Lucille and I put that son of a bitch Winter six feet under. Where he belongs.

Gardio: *surprised look*

Nick: *reaches up and slaps his shoulder* That doesn’t mean I won’t thank you for trying to do right by the original Valentine. You’re a good man, Chapel. *nods* A good man.

Jasmine: (Smiling brightly on the inside but she can’t make herself react physically to Teshteal, and it weighs her down. She reaches into her bag and pulls out the bloodied book and flips to a page, taking out her pen that has cats printed on it) (Writing) “I am not suppose to react to anything at all, sorry. If I do I get mad at myself and feel like I am about to get punished.” (Points to the hat) “It looks ridiculous on its own, but you somehow can pull it off.” (Draws a smiling face by her writing)

Teshteal: *bounces forward and presses the book almost daintily down* We are not supposed to but wouldn’t you love to anyway? Who’s gonna stop you? Not me. Not the dead raiders. *looks over at a mannequin* What are you going to do, mannequin? Suddenly spring to life? Shout if she giggles? What? You will?! I’ll kill you. *smacks it into the wall then runs back to Jas* See? Anyone that says otherwise will get the “mannequin treatment” from yours truly. *jabs his thumb at himself*

Jasmine: (Slowly blinks at Teshteal, reaching down to her sleeve and pulls it up along with some bandages to show him her self harm cuts, then points to her head) (Writing) “They carved themselves in my head, you can’t fight me to stop me.” (Gestures at her side then at her legs that are also littered with cuts, cuts that bring a forbidden relief when inflicted) (Writing) “That was the next step for you I think, to get commands to self punish so they are always in control even when they aren’t there. It starts with breaking you down, then they can build you however they want and you can’t stop them because you’re nothing and worthless.”

Teshteal: I cannot- that’s a bit of problem. Hm. *taps his chin* Perhaps imagine I’m beating them up? *does not know how to help* Or both of us! *grins stupidly. He’s trying his best*

Jasmine: (Shrugs her shoulders, having no idea how to stop these thoughts either. Or the more violent thoughts that occur to “solve problems”, those are the most dangerous to herself and others. There is a way to pacify herself however, although she hates that it can happen. She stares down at her notebook and flips back a few pages, peeling two that are stuck together. The page is shown to be a list of those mentioned commands. On the very top is written “A-001”, her assigned number from the vault that is needed for some of these commands)

Teshteal: *immediately points to Reset, Dismissed, and the Custom Command* Those seem to be the safest ones. *scratches his head* I don’t think I’m a handler, but maybe we can make a custom command word? One not associated with fear? *snaps his fingers* Valentine-! His last name’s perfect for a command and he’s associated with a strong emotion- literally the one that rivals fear itself!

Jasmine: (Writing) “They used the custom command one mostly to get me to eat, although they found out they had to specify how much because I’d only eat one spoonful then stop.” (Freezes, her hands shaking when she remembers what else they made her do with this power. She was helpless against it) (Writing) “Also had me do other things, I hated the custom command.” (If used in the right way maybe these can helpful, especially to Nick if she gets out of control or lost in her head)

Teshteal: I know you hate it but it could be useful to help stop the voices. We can use their tactics against them. *smiles reassuringly at her* We have a way to stop them.

Jasmine: (Puts the tip of her thumb in her mouth while she stares down at the list. Hate is an understatement. It would send shocks of fear through her to hear these spoken directly at her and possibly flashbacks of being punished for not following orders, but in the end is it better than the alternative? She doesn’t know, she’ll have to leave it up to Nick in the end to make the call. Should she show this to him? Show him her assigned number so he can activate the command that render her completely useless and submissive if necessary? Her Dad won’t abuse this power, yet she doesn’t want to…)

Teshteal: We can show this to Detective Valentine and discuss what to do. He seems too kind to use the commands excessively.

Jasmine: (Immediately tears out the page when he says that, tucking the list in her jacket pocket so it’s safe with her and she the one with control over it. She tilts her head at Teshteal when two thoughts comes over her) (Writing) “What’s your assigned number? And where’s Nick if he’s not here?”

Teshteal: *heart beat roars in his ears suddenly and ge stiffens up at the thought of anyone knowing it. Regardless he keeps a chipper tone* I assume still over at Hangman’s Alley. I initially came here to bring you back to the group. *hesitates* Why do you want to know my number? *tail wraps around him and he starts to fidget with it nervously*

Jasmine: (Writing) “You know mine, I’d be lying to say that it doesn’t make me uncomfortable that you know it. I am the one who’s more susceptible to this.” (Looks up and blinks under her mask, realizing that her coding is yelling at her to get the edge on Teshteal and even things out. That’s why she wants to know it) “Fuck….” (Takes a few steps back in horror at herself while she drops the book, crashing into the wall as she starts breathing quickly and grabbing at her arms)

Teshteal: That’s true. *ringing his tail even more nervously* Mine was F-666. The useless ones. The… the cannon-fodder. *suddenly feels a wave of panic wash over him. He slowly backs away, his own coding and instincts telling him he’s so much more vulnerable now that someone now knows his assigned number*

Jasmine: (Horrified that she didn’t even realize her own true ambitions for doing things until it’s too late, until she was getting what she wanted. She presses herself up against the wall as the words “Monster” and “Pathetic” ring in her head over and over again, along with another one that’s getting louder. “Mistake”) (Quietly) “I am sorry…” (She has tears on her face now, not that Teshteal can tell as she slowly slinks to sit on the floor in a dark corner and picks at her arms)

Teshteal: *smells the saline and his eyes widen. Softly, fighting his panic* No, no, no. Don’t cry. *slowly approaches her and kneels. He takes her hands, gently crossing her arms over each other, and starts breathing slow, deep breaths. Softly still* You’re okay… We’re okay…

Jasmine: (When she heard him say not to cry she goes deathly silent and stiff because she’s not suppose to and would receive severe punishment for doing so. But when Teshteal starts comforting her in that sweet and gentle manner she relaxes a bit and lowers her head as the voices in her head attack her, the mask fogging up from her tears. She’s getting hit with berating and judging remarks for how she handled things, scolded for not performing better. On the other side is the same three words that are meant to keep her down and scared)

Teshteal: *keeps comforting her as he sits. He keeps taking deep breaths, hoping she’ll subconsciously start matching them while keeping his own thoughts at bay, too* You didn’t hurt me. That’s good. We’re okay… *puts his forehead against hers* I’m okay…

Jasmine: (Choking on her tears) “What if I hurt you?” (Shy’s away from him out of fear of doing so. She already hurt people who tried to help her. Nick- her own father, included along with Lucille)

Teahteal: So what if you do? *shrugs* I’m Safeguarding you, right now…

Jasmine: (Raises her head when she hears that command he’s doing for her, sniffing back her sobs and she tries to stop trembling so much. She’s suddenly very aware on how much time they are wasting just sitting here waiting for her to stop being such a baby) “You are not suppose to, no one is.” (Pulls back and tries to stand while bracing onto the wall)

Teshteal: *stands and extends a hand to help her* As your sibling and your friend, I’m absolutely supposed to. *determined* They may be in our heads but I’ll be damned if I let them stop me from helping people I care about.

Jasmine: (Stands on her own and just starts walking back to the rooftop without looking at him, hoping deep down that he doesn’t take it personally. She’s gone completely numb to keep herself at bay, to keep herself from crying. Soon she’s rushing up the ladder and jumping from the stores roof to another roof, looking back to see if Teshteal will follow)

Teshteal: *already pocketed the ridiculous hat and it’s following her easily and effortlessly*

Jasmine: (Starts efficiently leaping from rooftop to rooftop, railing to railing, gliding across nimbly like a cat save for the part of constantly walking on all fours, she only does that when it’s easier or needs to stay hidden. Soon she and Teshteal near where she last saw Nick and Lucille, quickly lowering herself so they can’t see her. Or rather so Gardio doesn’t see her)

Teshteal: *whispers* Why are we hiding?

Nick: Alright. I think I need to go find those two. It’s been a while.

Gardio: I probably should have gone with him. Don’t know why I didn’t. The man doesn’t have the best track record of keeping his head low or out of trouble.

Nick: Didn’t he crash his car through a precinct window once?

Gardio: Good lord, don’t remind me, Nick. *chuckles at the memory*

Jasmine: (Peers down, swallowing hard. She pulls back and takes off her mask, quickly wiping it from the inside so she can see better. Her eyes are red and puffy, there’s still fresh tears going down on her face as she puts it back on and tightens her hood. She slowly starts backing away in the direction they just came from)

Teshteal: *takes her hand* Hey. Gardio won’t hurt you. I promise… at least tell Nick what’s going on before you run off. *softly. Pleaful* Please?

Jasmine: (Gestures over the edge to where the trio is standing below and points to her head, shaking it while holding up her trembling hand. Then she points to her heart and shakes her head again to try and signify that she can’t feel anything and has gone numb. She thinks for a long moment before she uses her free hand to make several small slicing motions down her arm, remembering her promise to Nick. She looks over the edge, seriously considering jumping off and scampering to somewhere she deems safe)

Teshteal: *takes hold of her other hand after he sees the sign* Hey, look at me. Neither I nor Nick will let Gardio hurt you. I doubt he ever would seriously try, but neither of us will let it happen. Let’s talk to Nick. Please…? *his pupils are wide with concern as he begs her almost desperately*

Nick: *about to go when he suddenly looks up at the building* Nevermind. You two stay put. I’ve got this. *walks over and climbs up a fire escape on the side. He swings himself over the ledge of the roof* There you two are. *walks over* Talk to me about what…? And when did you start calling me by my first name?

Teshteal: *keeps her hands in his as he addresses Nick* It’s faster to say- sorry. *looks to Jas then Nick* Rosie’s scared of meeting Gardio. She might need a second to get her barings but I’m scared she’s going to run and… *pauses, fear crossing his face for a second* Do something…

Jasmine: (Starts pulling from Teshteals grip while grunting with frustration, twisting her wrists in a furious manner. If she really wanted to she could escape and run free, but she rather not hurt Teshteal while doing so. She’s dangerously close to the edge as she struggles, not that isn’t aware of it she’s actually trying to jump off)

Nick: Thanks for the warning-

Teshteal: Nick. *mouths* A-001 Reset.

Nick: What- That’s-

Teshteal: Just do it. It’ll help.

Nick: *with some hesitation and regret as soon as he says it* A-001 Reset.

Jasmine: (Eyes immediately go wide and get filled with terror as she goes completely limp. She falls to her knees still super close to the edge and puts her hands behind her head while she heaves heavy breaths. Her mind and vision go blinding white, heart thumping in her ears while she “resets”. Essentially, this command was to help them clear their heads if they get overloaded and out of control, helps them rethink their decisions and strategies. For her it was mostly used when she made a grave mistake in combat. So she’s getting slapped with internal corrections on her recent and past mistakes, fearing that she’ll be severely punished)

Nick: *terrified at seeing how frightened and powerless she suddenly becomes* What did you just have me do?

Teshteal: Quick- tell her she’s not in trouble. That’s a crucial step.

Nick: *glares angrily at Teshteal but kneels and gently and calmly starts reassuring her* You haven’t done anything wrong, Rosalinda. You’re okay. Dad’s right here… I didn’t know what it that would do to you or what the situation was. *heart breaks seeing the fear on her face. His voice cracks a little* I’m so sorry. *gently cups her cheek and strokes it with his thumb*

Teshteal: I-

Nick *looks back at him with a glare then quietly goes back to reassuring Jas that she’s safe*

Teshteal: *goes quiet again and wordlessly starts pulling out the trinkets he found around Jas’s house, setting them next to the pair* Please give these to Rosie. I found them at her house… *decides he’s gone too far this time* I’ll be somewhere. *scampers off suddenly*

Jasmine: (Staring off at nothing with her hands still behind her head in surrender, her red teary eyes unfocused. She doesn’t seem to register Nick as her mind continues to flash white for the reset, anticipating a blinding pain to come from either a slap or her jaw roughly grabbed to wake her up from it followed by berating remarks)

Nick: *holds her close, gently lowering her arms so he wrap his around her* Come back to me, doll…

Teshteal: *running like the wind, tears streaking past his ear. He doesn’t know where he’s going but he knows he can’t be there anymore. He messed up. Being alone is what he deserves*

Jasmine: (Can’t stay in reset mode forever and starts slipping back into reality and into the correction stage. She doesn’t move but blinks with slight recognition at her surroundings as her previous actions slowly play out in her head, the slightest mistakes coming into view. It throws her off that she’s not getting hit or forced to do things she doesn’t want to, instead her Dad is here and comforting her. She still feels like she did downtime terribly wrong…)

Nick: *gently petting her hair* It’s okay… I’m sorry.

Teshteal: Stupid. Moron. You don’t deserve anyone. You’re a burden. You’re just an inconvenience. *stops suddenly and just collapses into a ball* No one cares- *the memory of being held in one big strong hug by Gardio burns inside his mind. He wants to go back to that so bad but knows… he knows as soon as he finds out…* You just make things worse…

Jasmine: (Finishes her assessment of herself from the moment she first left to the store until now, biting down on her tongue. She’s currently in a “do whatever the hell you want with me, I don’t care anymore” stage by reflex in order to shield herself. It’ll be awhile until her mind registers that it’s safe to fully return, and that she doesn’t have to go numb anymore for these type of things)

Nick: *decides to carry her on his back back down the fire escape. He arrives at Lucille but notices Gardio’s missing* Where’s your father?

Lucille: Went off to find Teshteal.

Nick: *opens his mouth then shuts it*

Jasmine: (Completely motionless as Nick carries her, not making much of an effort to hold on. She’s like a limp Raggedy Ann doll, anticipating for something to happen to her, waiting for someone to puppet her)

Gardio: *looking everywhere for Teshteal, even asking a few feral ghouls*

Teshteal: *curled up in a hole, waiting to just… Die*

Gardio: *managed to find him* Linus…?

Teshteal: *a jolt of fear causes him to jump* Don’t call me by that name!

Gardio: Oh- sorry… *kneels in front of him and even then he towers over the poor rat of a man* What are you doing?

Teshteal: …Trying to die.

Gardio: By sitting in a hole in a wall? Friend, you’re going to be waiting for a while.

Teshteal: Why did you even bother finding me? I’m a monster. Literally. *smacks his tail against the ground*

Gardio: That makes two of us. *points at his face* That’s no reason to give in.

Teshteal: It is if you hurt someone close to you so easily.

Gardio: I see… but don’t you think that it would hurt them more if you ran away and never apologized for it?

Teshteal: *looks up in surprise. He hadn’t thought of that. He lowers his head, voicing another thought* What if I keep hurting them?

Gardio: If you make steps to improve on yourself, you won’t. Not in the same way, at least…

Teshteal: *sighs sadly* Detective Valentine won’t want me around anyway-

Gardio: You let me worry about Valentine. Worry about the person you hurt first.

Teshteal: *starts to cry again suddenly* I don’t deserve this kindness.

Gardio: You deserve friendship.

Teshteal: No-

Gardio: Don’t fight me on this, officer. That’s an order.

Teshteal: *well now he can’t argue. Orders are orders*

Jasmine: (Closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, counting how long it took her to calm down earlier. Two minutes too long, pathetic)

Teshteal: This might be stupid to ask but can I have a hug?

Gardio: *Picks up the little rat of a man and gives him a big hug* Not a stupid question at all.

Teshteal: *feels a lot safer suddenly. He hugs back*

Jasmine: (Opens her eyes, lifting her head from Nicks shoulder and she looks around like a wide-eyed lost kitten. She’s so terrified, so confused. Her brain doesn’t know know to process anything, it’s stuck in this mode)

Lucille: *just standing near Nick, checking one of her guns for damage*

Jasmine: (There’s a slight haze to her vision and a ringing noise in her ears, almost like her mind is censoring what she sees and hears. Again it’s completely unnecessary now, maybe she can correct it later so the reset is just her clearing her mind and nothing more)

Nick: *worried about her specifically*

Teshteal: You always give the best hugs…

Gardio: *sets Teshteal down on his feet* Are you going to be alright?

Teshteal: *whipes his eyes* I think so.

Jasmine: (Puts her head back down, partly closing her eyes while she take heavy, but steady breaths. She still anticipating the regular abuse she’d normally suffer after a reset. Luckily for everyone, unlike when Lucille slapped her into a similar state she isn’t being drowned in horrific memories, although she still remembers them)

Lucille: *Kind of regrets that, too. Still thinks Jas hates her for all of that*

Gardio: Glad to hear. Now let’s get you back to the others. *adjusts his hat* What do you say, partner?

Teshteal: Yes sir. *salutes him dramatically*

Gardio: *starts walking back towards the group* At ease, we’re not on duty. *cracks a grin* Save the formalities until we’re in uniform.

Teshteal: You are. *referring to his coat as he starts to follow*

Gardio: Hey, you gotta look the part out here in the ruins! Dress for the job you want and all that.

Teshteal: *sticks his tongue out at the old ghoul*

Gardio: *glances back* Still just as immature as ever.

Jasmine: (Tenses suddenly, going completely relaxed while she trembled. She’s not sure why exactly as she’s not currently getting flashbacks, guess it’s just muscle memory)

Nick: *decides to cradle her like a toddler and quietly comfort her*

Lucille: *yawns*

Jasmine: (Raises her head and her little hands hesitantly grab onto his coat. Her eyes get teary again while she feels something jolt in her chest. She didn’t do anything wrong, did she?)

Nick: Ssh… it’s alright, doll. You didn’t do anything wrong. Not this time.

Teshteal: *leading the way this time*

Ferals: *start climbing out at the sound of the two’s footsteps*

Teshteal: *gets into a fighting stance*

Gardio: Let them be. They’re curious about the noise.

Teshteal: They’ll attack-

Gardio: No, I don’t think they will. *looking around at all of them* Go back to sleep you all…

Ferals: *stand and twitch in place, seemingly unsure of what to do*

Gardio: Just keep walking, Teshteal. Don’t make eye contact.

Teshteal: *hard swallow as he straightens up and walks normally down the road*

Gardio: *keeping an eye on the ghouls as they pass through* That’s right. Slow steps. *calmly* We’re friendly…

Jasmine: (Stares off for a bit while her bottom lip trembles, suddenly feeling very clingy to her father and fearful of being separated from him. Ditching all the voices telling her no, she grabs onto Nick as tightly as she can while she wails nonsense into his coat. Aaaaaand here’s that separation anxiety she’s been trying to avoid developing all this time)

Lucille: *jumps* What the-!?

Nick: Whoa-! It’s alright, I’m not going anywhere, kiddo! I’m right here.

Jasmine: (Not sure what the hell came over her that’s making her sob and hold onto her Dad like he’s the last person on earth. She had never been like this with her mother even when she was very small, or with any other adult she was close to after her mom died)

Nick: *sighs and keeps reassuring her he’s not going anywhere*

Teshteal: *Once they’re through and a safe enough distance* How’d you keep them from attacking?

Gardio: Glowing Ones tend to be a bit… odd as nonferal ghouls go. I can kind of tell what they’re thinking usually- don’t know how or why.

Jasmine: (Realizes that she’s not even crying tears all that much, she’s just blubbering incoherent sentences. She shuts her mouth but doesn’t loosen her death grip, closing her eyes to recount again with a clear head. She’s not in trouble, she was told to reset by Nick and not the trainer or the guards. There’s no need to shield herself anymore after a reset or have a panic attack, she can take a rest now…)

Nick: *softly* I’m sorry, Rosie…

Teshteal: *eyes widen* You have super powers!?

Gardio: You have super speed, horns, a tail, and cat eyes. Still out to lunch on how that last one’s even possible.

Teshteal: Touch-ay.

Gardio: You still don’t know how to say Touche…?

Teshteal: It’s a weird word!

Gardio: It is literally two syllables.

Teshteal: Listen, I can only hold so much grammar and pronunciation rules in my head.

Gardio: *rolls his eyes at his lame excuse*

Jasmine: (Ran out of batteries, she’s exhausted from the ordeal. She keeps her tight hold on her Dad while she buries her face in the crook of his neck, dropping into a power nap)

Gardio: Wait… how are you leading me back?

Teshteal: Take a wild fxcking guess.

Gardio: …Oh please don’t tell me you’re guessing.

Teshteal: What? No! Sense of smell. *taps his nose* It’s very accurate!

Gardio: I don’t know whether to be impressed or disgusted.

Teshteal: How did you find me anyway?

Gardio: The power of friendship and “Ghoul to Ghoul communication”.

Teshteal: … Please tell me you’re joking.

Gardio: I’m not. I wish I were.

Jasmine: (Napping quietly and peacefully, some tears still on her cheeks. She’s holding Nick on his promise that he’s not going anywhere, that’s the only reason she can sleep right now)

@lucilleandherrobots

[mrcrowblargs]

Finished Astarion's personal quest and whoof. I need to lie down. It was so good. I wanna give him such a big hug. But I suppose asking for a kiss works.

Spoilers under the cut, but I will leave a protip: if you bring the Daylight spell into the big boss fight, DO NOT cast it as a sphere! Cast it on a weapon and stow the weapon after the fight. It'll save you some trouble.

So I definitely overprepared going into the Szarr Palace. I already had respecced Gale as a Knowledge Cleric and Shadowheart as a War Cleric so I brought them both along because of course you're going to encounter undead vampires in a fucking vampire den. I think entering the palace was supposed to feel a little too easy since Cazador wanted Astarion there anyway. But they wrecked everything.

Astarion, you are a fucking rogue... why are you running in for an unarmed attack... AND GETTING CAPTURED I was not happy about losing him for the first round but luckily getting Aylin out of drama meant I knew exactly what to do for Astarion.

The fight didn't go too badly, I cast Daylight smack in the middle of the area because I didn't want to fry the suspended spawn. But then the cutscenes after felt... abrupt and lacking. And I didn't get Cazador's staff needed to free the prisoners. Looked it up online and turned out having Daylight present makes the spawn flee as soon as they are freed oops. So I had to redo the fight.

And honestly, I was glad I redid it. It was a little more chaotic but the double cleric team worked GREAT. Turns out the spawn aren't affected by daylight while suspended so I was able to cover more of the field instead of giving Cazador corners to hide in. 2x Spirit Guardians to clear out the GODDAMN BATS. 2x Spiritual Weapon to camp on the ritual spots and deny Cazador his boons. Honestly having two clerics is just great. Casting the Heroic Feast or whatever beforehand was also a great move.

And best of all? Astarion got the finishing blow on Cazador with an absolutely epic sneak attack.

Admittedly struggled with dialogue options because the previous issue meant reloading and fucking around a lot and uh, accidentally letting Astarion ascend oops, but after doing things the right way I hit the sweet spot for dialogue and got him to stand down the ritual of his own accord instead of like "stop him" or "I won't help."

All of Astarion's acting is phenomenal??? like??? his VOICE his EXPRESSIONS just god there's so much here. really felt this howl.

Chose to free the spawn. 7000 predators suddenly released into the Underdark is sure to cause some ecological issues BUT it was so good seeing Astarion stand up for them and give them the chance to be saved and free. The chance he should have had long ago. Break that cycle, babey.

Oh man that whole post I made connecting the mirror scene to the entire person Astarion was being just gone, forgotten was so on the nose. AND FEY YOU WERE RIGHT He's gonna make himself his own person. Free. Even if that means living in the shadows... Aldrich will always be with him. And their githyanki child because I still have that egg hanging in my inventory and I don't think it's safe with any of the quest parties involved. Just gotta uh. beat the game and hope I can have that epilogue. I'm still nervous about having undergone partial ceremorphosis but uhhhhh maybe Astarion won't mind tentacles?

Astarion finally answers, "You're not a victim, not a target, so then... what are you?" I have another act 2 comic script sitting aside that touched on this and I kinda really wanna do it now haha. It's satisfying when things you speculate about a character fall into place.

but also, maybe a sillier doodle comic, of an earlier moment (after the spawn ambush you at night) when you can tell Astarion "if you open up and care about others, they will care about you" and he's like "no one cares, not like you do" and then like 10ft away is Karlach who is like I LOVE MY BITEY FRIEND I'LL TEAR DOWN THE WHOLE PALACE IF THEY TAKE HIM!!! And her reaction after just enforcing that. All the party gossip of being proud of Astarion was so nice.

Next I gotta rescue Lae'zel from Orin and hope that she's still alive because uuhhh it's been a few long rests oops. She's got all the anti-shapeshifter gear from Emperor's old pad it's cool it's fine she's probably already turned orin to mincemeat.

I intended to play all day today but i think I'm gonna leave off here. Digest. Bask in that I rehabilitated and socialised the feral kitten I plucked out of the gutter so long ago.

[peaterookie]

Lupin III Chapter 43 Review

GRAAAAHHHHHH ITS CHAPTER 43 TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

goemon is in the cover again this means its big deal boys

in this chapter im assuming goemon is out to get revenge for all the scrolls lupin stole he gets hired by his superiors to kill him but he constant gets outsmarted by lupin

the first time is goemon trying to kill lupin while he is trying to have sex with a random woman

he gets smacked by a wooden plank while lupin complains about him, saying how hes taking a day off and he doesnt need goemon in his way ok but what lupin be doing having sex outside though lupin and the woman leaves and afterward goemon meets with his superiors

theyre very disappointed with him! saying how he needs to focus more and be more cold blooded they show an example in fact one of them picks up a bird from a cage and rips off one of its wings, showing how goemon needs to become heartless and a true killer…

im not gonna show the panels in particular because it makes me whince everytime i look at it goemon is also shocked to see him do such a thing, but he listens believing that he can kill lupin by training to be cold blooded feels bad

it's the second trial boys, maybe this time goemon can do it this time he enters DIRECTLY INTO LUPIN'S MANSION HOW DID HE FIND IT of course this time lupin is still having sex with the woman i would commend him for being courteous and doing it indoors but goemon is right in front him... poor guy.

L: Goemon! I told you! I'm taking the day off! L: If you absolutely insist, I'll kill you tomorrow! G: Now, damn it! Kill me now! Or return the Jitoryu scrolls!

lupin ignores him and continues with his business and goemon slices through the couch that they were on

im assuming from the sequences of events that he took the girl and leads both of them to fight outside of some random wilderness again

something funny that i wanted to mention is how lupin called goemon a teenanger because he comes at the worst times in the manga i guess you can hc goemon as a teenager or probably the youngest out of the cast, hes usually the less cruel one and he's typically the most 'innocent' one if i'm putting that right

anyways, lupin unarmed, pretends to be trapped and cornered by goemon and calls for help, but in fact...

L: Somebody please shoot this man! Why don't I have a gun? W: Because you gave it to me, silly!

...and Goemon's attempt fails i like how each attempt is slowly getting sillier everytime you'll get why it gets like that later goemon, once again, returns back to his superiors.

them, even more disappointed now, starts to ridicule the man for being too nice and warm blooded my boy does NOT deserve this hes too sweet for his own good leave him alone…

ok THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM, RIGHT!? this time goemon and lupin meet up on a cliff of some random coast with a boat goemon demands lupin to fight him and he sounds super super angry..

i think this is an attempt to sound threatening lupin pulls out the scrolls and he decides to put it in the deck of the boat to convince goemon to not fight him goemon opens the deck of the boat and he sinks as it was just a silly little trick, and lupin and the woman run off with the scroll still in their hands

...Goemon's third attempt fails. how long is this going to go.

S: You are not a talker… a thinker… you are a KILLER! S: The secret iron-cutting technique… use it! Destroy Lupin! and so he does!

goemon approaches lupin this time on a highway while lupin is driving his car, and SLICES IT IN HALF lupin is so fucking done with goemon's shit this time good lordy

ok but how is the car still running but anyways lupin runs over goemon, and he fails for the 4th time...

as he returns to his surperiors he announces that he's now sick and tired of listening to his superiors and he's going to leave!! what is he gonna do next though??

surprisingly hes taken quite a liking to lupin through the time, and decides this time to follow him instead!!!!!!

woohoo!! goemon joins the gang finally!!! AND IT ONLY TOOK 43 CHAPTERS

[1babyporcelain]

Being slapped *silly* is actually a thing. Slap me until I stop protesting and resisting, slap me to the point when you stop i pick up your wrist and beg you to keep smacking me as you fuck me even sillier

getting slapped 🥰🥵❤️🥰🥵❤️

getting slapped multiple times in a row so you don't have time to recover 🥵🥵🥵🥵🫠🫠🫠🫠❤️🥵😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵

[pocketbelt]

Spark the Electric Jester 2 (PC)

The titular character doesn't appear at all in this game, funnily enough. This post is a little long so I'm sticking a read more in

The leap to drawing from 3D Sonics is pretty clear, and it at once does a real good job of it, establishing its own identity, and establishing why Sonic Team make their games the way they do

Fark is a lot more freeform and "loose" than Sonic is and after a point, levels start removing the guard rails from the long running tracks and loop-de-loops and having a lot more free aerial space. This makes Fark's top speeds feel way faster, but that top speed becomes very tricky to keep hold of and sometimes just isn't, you can't turn for shit for instance at top speed.

At the same time, this makes gliding over levels, making mad aerial leaps to small ledges and platforms or homing to enemies and so on feel even better, and blitzing a level feels immaculate, it's the thing I love the boost Sonics for. You have way more air control and better turning than in Sonic to accommodate it, so it just flows so well.

But, doing so requires you to read the level real quick as you tear through it, it requires intuition for how to jump and how you control well beyond what the target audience for Sonic games is capable of, never mind incompetent adults like game journalists, so Sonic locks you in more and holds the reins tighter. You can really easily just run off ledges uncontrollably in Spark 2, which does make threading the needle feel immaculate but when you don't it can feel like bullshit

Also levels are fairly elaborate with multiple paths, marked "Early Exits" for faster clear times hidden in places, and enemies have health bars and there's a very simplistic action game-ish combat system at hand as well, but outside of the two or three forced fights in the levels, you can and will ignore basically all of it because it's infinitely slower and just plain sillier to. It makes the game short and feels like you're speedrunning or skipping it when you're just chasing the speed and playing it as you'd want to play a 3D Sonic.

The later levels are fucking wild, with Level 13 being a key highlight:

It's the Egg Fleet but in space, with paths like the electric light parade fleet levels in Sonic Colours but you're not taped into a rigid three-rail path while the game plays gorgeous displays at you, you're fully free-form tearing across this. The paths (which go through those hoops) only form in as you draw near, so despite how it looks, I'm not dying here, I'm leaping from part of the path in the bottom right high into the air to yeet myself onto the one centre-bottom of the screen.

I can't deny, it's really close to exactly what I want Sonic to be at its best, at its theoretical apex, it's somewhere between this and Unleashed and maybe Frontiers, some theoretical midpoint between them.

Also the bosses are largely really simple button mash affairs where you smack your generous parry shield button when they flash their telegraphs. Some moves are really annoying, especially the ones that just flash the screen white to disguise the attack (really unwise even if the game would be difficult for epileptic people to deal with otherwise anyway), but they're all like 1 minute long at worst anyway, even with their multiple phases. The final boss is no different but he has the sauce, and the context and cutscenes during and after that fight go real hard.

Spark 2 is remarkably fucking good, I highly recommend if you can tolerate and tame the much looser, freeform state of it