#slowlychanging

[traumadumpwriter]

Heavy trigger warning for abuse, SA, assault, violence, self harm, mentions of r*pe

If you enjoy please don't forget to like, repost, comment. Give me feedback! | love to hear it!

I do update more frequently and there r already more chapters on my Wattpad @/slowlychanging!

Check out the other chapters by going to the Freedom tag on my page!

Freedom: A John Shelby Mini Fic

Chapter Nine: 4311 words

Hours passed until 'Go time' finally arrived and the adrenaline was just starting to kick in for Alice. She and Tommy were sat in silence as he drove her towards the agreed location - a seedy hotel just outside of town, ran by the Turks with a grand suite that Ergin often stayed in.

The window to his suite was visible from the street below; red velvet curtains pulled shut behind the thin glass panes. Alice was relieved that to see it was only on the second floor - knowing it to be her most likely route of escape incase things went wrong.

There were blinders surrounding the property, hidden in bushes and under cars, and the plan was clear in Alice's head. She could do this.

"We'll be an hour at most." Tommy spoke quietly, his eyes staring at a figure promptly coming towards the car.

After receiving strict instructions from him for the last hour, Alice found his voice to be extremely annoying and also looked to the figure, having nothing pleasant to say to Tommy.

A tanned man in a suit eventually came to the door on Alice's side, opening it with a smile and holding out his arm for her to take. She looked back at the Shelby one more time and he sent her a nod before sending her out into the cool night air, her hand placed gingerly on the arm of the small man.

Upon reaching the lobby, he stepped away from Alice with a polite nod and she suddenly found herself surrounded by an entourage of colourful characters; even the other women emitting an intimidating energy. They were all sat around a large table, decorated with intricate cloth, drinking from ornate glasses and laughing merrily. Alice looked around and tried to work out which one was Ergin, but had no luck - all of the men wearing similar, cream suits with no real distinction from each other.

A cough from the polite assistant quickly drew their eyes upwards and although they initially looked so unimpressed, the men's faces instantly softened upon seeing Alice - stood there like an innocent doe.

"The Shelby woman aye?" One of the men stood up with a grin and held out his hand for Alice to take, to which she quickly did. His accent was thick and he exuded suaveness. "Even more beautiful than I was told." He placed a kiss on her hand before pulling away and gesturing for her to follow him. "The boss's room is just up here, I show you."

"Thank you." She replied, being careful to smile and be polite but not too much - Tommy said it was important that she came across as unintelligent and innocent but still sexual and willing; a difficult mix to nail.

As she followed his path, she could feel all eyes on her; devouring the white, corseted dress and how it draped her frame perfectly. Polly had gotten her measurements and rushed into town to get it not long after the initial family gathering, worrying about Alice not looking the part. The older woman hated the plan and it had been even harder getting her approval than Tommy had originally anticipated, but she eventually caved in and agreed to help - citing the trickery and murder of Jones Buckley to be her main motivation. She owed it to Clara after all.

John on the other hand had disappeared from the house for hours, unable to handle the rage or betrayal his family had made him feel. Hidden, he watched Alice from a distance after she first tried on the dress; practicing her gun draw with Polly in the back street whilst the other Peaky boys rushed around preparing for potential bloodshed that night. The dress was absolutely beautiful on her and he struggled to watch, stepping away after a moment whilst painful thoughts started to ravage his brain again. There was no way he would ever forgive Tommy for asking this of her, and if she got truly hurt there was no way he'd ever forgive his family for allowing it.

Now he sat in tense silence, waiting for his signal to burst into the cellar and begin the raid, desperately praying that Alice would be okay.

Meanwhile, the woman was surprised by how pleasant the Turks had been to her, although she now suspected that things would change as the varnished door to the huge suite opened.

"Ah, Ms Buckley. You look incredible." Alice cringed at the name but nodded graciously to the man in front of her; his facial hair meticulously groomed and his suit black. "Do you mind if I call you that? Or are you a Shelby now?"

His tone was mocking and as Alice studied him, she realised he was one who'd been at the campsite that day - her face almost going red from anger and embarrassment.

"I'm my own woman now, you can just call me Alice." She answered with a sultry tone, eyeing his body in a way to suggest she didn't care if he eyed hers - even though she really just wanted to punch the man.

"And your name is?"

He chuckled slightly, staring her down as he closed the door behind her with a loud bang.

"My name is Maximus, Alice." He winked and patted her waist before leaning in to her ear. She expected an uncomfortable kiss to her neck, not the menacing tone that then quietly fell from his lips. "And I don't trust you one little bit.. I don't know how you escaped your husband, but I can have you sent back to him with the click my fingers, long before any of those Peaky brothers could find you. Don't forget that - whore." He almost spat that last word before suddenly standing straight again with a smile. "Now let's go see the boss, shall we?"

Alice didn't have time to even fully process his shocking words as another door was opened and they stepped deeper into the suite. She immediately spotted the red curtained window before she even looked at Ergin or his associate; both larger men, clad in expensive suits and golden jewellery. They had glasses of wine on the table in front of them, along with a pile of cards and an ashtray full of fat cigar butts. There was an empty chair opposite them and Maximus gestured for Alice to sit on it before leaving the room, leaving the three in silence for a moment.

Now she could ponder on the sinister man's words. She tried not to believe him, to keep her faith in the brothers, but a seed of doubt had now been planted and she was starting to accept that she would in fact have to sleep with these men if she wanted to stay alive - or atleast not get sent back to Jones. She'd rather die than have that happen.

Her panicked thoughts almost started to spiral until Ergin suddenly announced something to his friend in Turkish, instantly making her alert again. He cheered as he placed down a card - obviously winning whatever game they were playing - and then finally acknowledged the nervous woman in front of him.

"Sorry, I had to think about that move." He chuckled before meeting her eyes, his demeanour instantly softening. "Wow, look at this kadin, Aylin! Even more beautiful up close."

His friend, who Alice assumed to be named Aylin, laughed and nodded as he too studied the woman - staring as if she were an object and not a person.

"What you doing with a dog like John Shelby huh? You really just a whore like his brother says? I don't believe it." Ergin scoffed, once again sparking an anxious flame in Alice's belly that she had to quickly stamp out. "And what is this Maximus says about you being some kind of gypsy whore also? You are far too beautiful. I don't believe."

Alice was shocked by the seeming interest that Ergin had in her, taking a moment to collect herself before cooly replying "I thought I was here to dance with you, not be interrogated."

That seemed to surprise the men as they laughed again and exchanged few words in Turkish before Ergin leant forward and locked eyes with Alice again.

"I think you are an interesting woman.. The scars are something I like." Alice immediately went to pull down her sleeves as she realised they'd ridden up but he stopped her, his big hands enveloping hers with ease. "No no, don't cover, I said I like."

She didn't know how to respond to that. No one had ever liked her scars. A discussion about them wasn't what she had mentally prepared herself for. Instead, she was now thinking about how she would open the red curtain to send the signal without it seeming suspicious.

"It shows-" Ergin lit a cigar and placed it to his lips, drawing her attention again "-that you are not scared of pain. At least not pain inflicted by yourself. Am I right in this?"

Alice nodded slowly, unsure of where things could go from here. Her heart was racing and her handbag felt like a tonne weight placed gently on her thigh as she thought about the gun hidden inside.

"I want you to take off the dress and cut yourself right now then." His voice had a sudden firmness to it that paralleled to the friendly tone he'd shown a second prior.

With the four eager eyes on her, Alice knew she had no choice but to undress and started to slowly pull down her dress - the undergarments also being purchased in town by Polly that day. It was all white, a corset and frilly bra with matching garters and panties. Alice felt exposed but less exposed than she should've - so used to this objectifying treatment that it almost felt normal.

She took the small knife from Ergin's large, leathery hand and moved it to her thigh, taking a deep breath before making a quick red line. Even in such forced circumstances the pain felt a relief to her, visibly so as the two men let out another laugh and Ergin quickly snatched the knife back from her.

"Wow. You really like that huh? I didn't actually expect you to do it. Maybe you are a whore. Or maybe you are just crazy." He chuckled, earning an awkward forced chuckle back from Alice before his tone went serious again and he stood up. "Now dance with the knife. I want you to cut yourself with it as you dance. I expect all clothes to be gone by time the song is finished."

Alice's stomach dropped once she heard the record playing and felt the knife being placed in her hand again. Ergin was stood against the wall next to the phonograph - right by the window - whilst his friend remained leant into his cushioned seat, taking casual sips from his wine. Her eyes scanned the room desperately, looking for some kind of help, until she saw the mini bar in the corner.

"Do you not want me to make you a drink first? I thought I was meant to do that. I'm a barmaid you know." She fluttered her eyelashes and giggled, trying to act as if she was perfectly comfortable - a real whore like Tommy had obviously tried to sell her as.

"You can make any drink you want but know that you'll be testing it before either of us drink it. We're not stupid, Alice. Know this before you try anything told to you by Thomas Shelby."

"Fuck!" She started to mentally scream at herself as she realised nothing would go as smoothly as she'd hoped. She looked at the clock on the wall and saw it had only been seven minutes, she would have to think of a plan, fast.

As she sauntered over to the corner, Ergin called for Maximus to enter the room and she knew she'd have to pour the powder into the cups before the vulture like man was watching over her shoulder. So quickly, she pulled the vial from her bra and poured the white substance into each of the three glasses before covering it with whiskey - just as his thin frame reached her side.

She played it cool, pouring mixer into each of the drinks and stirring it with an ornate, metal spoon before she felt a hand gripping her thigh, instantly making her stop.

"You see? She is not a whore. Even one touch and she freezes up." Maximus scoffed. "I bet these drinks are poison too, go on, try one little lamb. Let's see."

Luckily, the drinks weren't too poison, just a tranquilliser, and Alice knew that if she just drank considerably less than them she would stand a better chance at staying awake than the men did. At least the older ones. They already seemed pretty drunk, after all.

"Fine, I'll show you. Maximus." She hissed his name and took a quick gulp from one of the glasses, earning an amused holler from the other two men.

"And the other one too-"

"Ah that is quite enough, my boy. A frightened whore does not perform as well as a comfortable whore. You will see this in a moment." Ergin cut him off with obvious authority, although there was enough care in his tone to imply a close bond between the two - perhaps uncle and nephew or father and son.

Either way, the younger man shut up immediately and stepped back, watching intently as Alice handed the drinks to the men. She now knew it was time to perform and stepped over to the phonograph before Ergin would stand up again to do so, earning a thankful laugh from his fat face as he and his friend lazily gawked at her.

As she gently placed the needle onto the record, she was careful to lean against the window and shift the curtain open - even it was only slightly - knowing that would be enough to let the boys below know the bosses were distracted.

That short feeling of relief was quickly replaced by the anxiety she'd been pushing down as the music started to play and she knew she couldn't postpone the dance any longer. Almost all forms of self harm had always been extremely appealing to Alice until this moment, awkwardly trying to cut her skin whilst remaining sexy and moving on beat. The men didn't care though, excited as she cut off her garters, corset and bra leaving only panties by time the song finished. Her mind had been miles away, not really seeing anything in the room as she danced, so when the trance ended with the music, she was relieved to notice their two cups empty although Maximus' remained full.

"Very nice, but remember what I said? All clothes off-" just as Ergin's instruction struck another deep pang of fear into Alice's chest, a loud bang followed by some shouts came from downstairs and all attention was averted.

"What the fuck was that? Max you go look!" Ergin demanded and the younger man immediately complied, shooting Alice a sharp glare before racing out of the room. From that point on everything moved fast. Too fast for her to properly comprehend.

All of a sudden, Alice felt a heavy force against her face and went flying to the floor, taking a second to realise that Ergin had hit her and was now bent down beside her. The woman could already feel the small amount of tranquilliser making her drowsy and so she knew that he would pass out any minute now - he had to - she just had to hold him off until one of the blinders arrived.

"What have you done, whore? What did you put in Aylin's drink? And what was that bang? You and the blinders have come up with some plan! What is it?" He grabbed her by her hair and pulled her face so that it was inches from his. Out the corner of her eye she could see that his friend had passed out so she just prayed that he would too - but he didn't.

"I said what have you done?" He repeated himself louder, spit flying from his mouth onto her face before he struck her again, once again sending her body to the floor.

She groaned in pain this time and struggled to move away as Ergin towered over her. There was blood all over her body already from the cuts she'd made, now some leaked from her mouth as her lip started to swell and she knew her face would be bruised the next day.

"You really think I drink a drink made by a Shelby whore?" He scoffed before kicking her hard in the ribs, earning another painful groan. "I may be fat and old. But I am not stupid."

From her position on the floor, Alice tried to take the knife off the table but Ergin quickly grabbed her hair again and dragged her around the room, to the chair she'd originally sat on. Memories of Jones flashed agonisingly through her brain every millisecond and she started to really hate Tommy for putting her up to this - yet hate herself more for agreeing to do it. John was right; she did love putting herself in danger. That was until the consequences of the danger hit her like they were right now.

"If he dies, I promise you will regret it very much." As Ergin spoke he placed bullets into a silver pistol, shaking and dropping some as he did.

Although his thick accent was still intimidating and booming, Alice realised he wasn't as powerful as he seemed and was in fact scared or at least nervous.

She looked around desperately for something to defend herself with, slowly regaining her hope; until she saw her handbag and felt a powerful surge of adrenaline. Just as he finished loading the weapon, Alice reached for the bag and pulled it to the ground with her, bloody hands desperately fumbling for the gun inside as she heard the violence downstairs.

"Hopefully that's the Blinders I can hear and not the Turks." Her thought was cut off by Ergin grabbing her again, this time by her neck, and pinning her against a wall. He squeezed tight and stared into her eyes as he did, watching the hope drain from them as the air did from her lungs.

She was almost convinced that these would be her final moments, staring into an ugly face - just as she had been with Jones so many times. Gradually, her body was going limp in his hand, her limbs feeling heavy as she thrashed against him, scratching and spitting like a wild animal.

"You planned ahead for this huh! What is the antidote for this poison? Tell me now!" He shouted, loosening his grip with wide eyes and letting her catch her breath for a second.

Her head was pounding and dizzy but it still worked fast.

"It's, it's in my dress. Sewn in. A small vile." She choked out, the noises downstairs getting louder and her body getting heavier.

As soon as the words left her mouth he dropped her and rushed to the crumpled white velvet by the phonograph, looking worriedly to Aylin before starting to desperately rip at the material.

"You stay there whore or I will kill every single member of the Shelby family, you understand?" He barked with his back facing her, but soon froze as he heard a gun cock and felt the metal pressed to the back of his head.

In that half minute, Alice had managed to get herself up, grab her gun and quietly slink over, leaving a trail of blood behind her on the already red carpet. There were few thoughts as she placed the gun to his head, only one real loud one that screamed "Fuck you!" He didn't deserve a chance to explain himself, he was a pig and now he was going to die.

"There's no antidote. It's not poison, it's a tranquilliser. Your friend would've been fine, you stupid fucking-"

"Please!" He cut her off with a loud beg but before he could let out another word she pulled the trigger - a loud bang echoing through the room.

It didn't move in slow motion like Alice thought it would, instead it was quick and sudden; skull fragments flying and a heavy thud. She'd never taken a life before and it was easier than expected.

Meanwhile downstairs, John heard the gunshot and even amongst the fighting in the lobby, he knew that it came from the suite. His blood immediately ran cold. The Blinders were winning and the Turks were massively outnumbered, but he felt no sense of victory until he knew it was Alice who fired that shot. He looked around the reception desperately, bloodshed all around him, until he spotted a waiter cowering in the corner - obviously not paid enough to be dealing with this.

Eyes wide, he grabbed the man's collar and shouted "Ergin's suite! Now!" to which the man immediately complied, taking him to the hidden staircase that lead directly to the exclusive room.

However, John hadn't been the only one to hear the gunshot. Maximus was already halfway up those stairs when he heard it, running as he reloaded his own weapon and prayed to God that his uncle was alive.

Upon opening the door, he was enraged to see Ergin dead and Alice stood with her gun to Aylin's head, about to shoot the passed out man until he suddenly tackled her, throwing her to the ground and pinning her down with bared teeth - foaming like a rabid dog.

"You fucking bitch!" He shouted, a guttural, grief filled scream as he started to violently shake her shoulders, banging her head against the floor. She was struggling to stay awake at this point and could feel herself slipping into darkness between each painful bump to the head. Still, she tried to fight back against him, punching, screaming and spitting. It was no use though.

He was in a trance like state, mad with grief, rage and shock, turning him into a complete animal with enough strength to break the girl's neck if he wanted despite his skinny frame.

"You evil fucking slut." He hissed, holding both her hands above her head with just one of his whilst the other groped her chest with such force that she screamed in pain. "You think you had it bad with the gypsy scum? Just you wait little girl." He dug in his nails so hard it drew blood, running them down her chest and digging into the fresh cuts made during her dance. There was definitely at least one broken rib he pressed into too, the pain becoming so intense that Alice could barely breathe as she cried out for help.

His hand finally reached her underwear, ripping them off in one swift motion despite her attempts at kicking him away. The feeling of his sharp nails drawing so close to her privates filled Alice with pure terror. A horrific scream left her lungs, followed by a loud sob.

But then suddenly he withdrew and his body was no longer on top of hers - giving her an immense sense of relief. That was until she heard John's voice calling her name and realised the psycho was going after him now.

"He's got a gun, John!" She desperately cried from the floor, her vision fading and not even certain her voice was loud enough for him to hear. She couldn't lift her head or keep her eyes open anymore, all she could do was listen as bullets started flying, empty shells flicking onto her naked body but from who she couldn't tell.

The room fell silent and there was a thud, sounding similar to the one Ergen made when he'd dropped dead earlier - instantly putting Alice's heart in her throat as she prayed it wasn't John's body she heard.

Apart from her own breathing and her heart thudding, she could hear nothing.

"Alice?" His thick Birmingham accent broke the silence and the woman instantly let out a relieved sob, alerting him to her position in the room and he immediately bolted over.

"Fuck." He muttered upon seeing her, more blood than skin visible, and quickly bent down to her side, ripping off his jacket to wrap around her. "Where'd they get you?"

His hands desperately searched her body for a bullet wound, shaking as he struggled to distinguish each injury from the next.

"Alice, where'd they get you?" He repeated, his voice cracking as his worst worries had seemingly come true.

"I-I'm not shot, John." She spluttered, almost laughing with relief. "They made me try the drink. I'll be fine."

Those were the final words she had the strength to say before passing out, much to John's incredible panic as he tried to shake her awake. It was after a few seconds of panic that he decided to believe those words - or at least try to - and he grabbed a blanket to wrap the woman in before rushing down the stairs with her in his arms, holding her tightly against his chest.

It only took a minute for him to get outside and into the closest getaway car, throwing himself into the passenger seat and shouting "Fucking drive!" to Isaiah.

"But Tommy told me to-"

John swiftly pressed his gun to the younger man's head, his pupils maniacally thin and sweat dropping profusely from his forehead.

"I don't give a fucking shit about Tommy! Fucking drive!"

This time the boy immediately complied, stepping on the gas and speeding away as the remaining blinders started the fire that would eventually burn the entire Turkish hotel to the ground - only leaving ashes behind.

[losingthatfat-blog1]

Thoughts Before Day 1

I have decided that I will use Tumblr as a journal for my weight loss journey. 

I am excited and scared to start, but I am also ready and tired of mess around. Tomorrow my roommate is going to wake me up at 6 am and I made the decision of getting up and go for a brisk 20 minutes walk. 

I have been sedentary for too long and I want to make sure to take this journey as slow and steady as possible. I am aware that change does not come in a second and therefore, to change my mindset, I am going to take all the time I need. 

I will share my emotions here and my progress. I won’t probably reveal my appearance for a while, I still need to work on confidence, but hey, I am going to slowly warm up to that as well.

If you want to follow me on this journey, please do so.

Have a wonderful night, I am going to drink a glass of water and then hit the road, Jack. 

[onelifemanygoal]

Amongst its many health benefits, matcha… Is packed with antioxidants including the powerful EGC Boosts metabolism and burns calories Detoxifies effectively and naturally Calms the mind and relaxes the body Is rich in fiber, chlorophyll and vitamins Enhances mood and aids in concentration Provides vitamin C, selenium, chromium, zinc and magnesium Prevents disease Lowers cholesterol and blood sugar #matcha #greentea #instagram #instabeverage #healthylifestyle #nocompromise #liquidenergy #matchagreentea #antioxidants #greenisgood #powercouple #couplegoals #familytradition #forlove #dxblife #makinghealthy #onedayatatime #feelinggood #slowlychanging https://www.instagram.com/p/Btght13n-Sk/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=oikqhugklhwa

[xxmeanxbearxx-blog]

Ever changing faces.

[sir-king-cline-blog]

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 #sirkingcline #dontwasteyourlife #gym #grinding #workout #hardworkpaysoff💪 #beastmode #slowlychanging #followchrist (at Anytime Fitness North Vernon)

[sceltic]

She’s always ready. I just wish I could become her whenever I wanted to. 🥺. #genderfluid #genderfluidpride #heandshe #sheher #hehim #bothgenders #genderfluidproblems #wishicouldbeher #shewantsout #wishiwasagirl #wishfulthinking #hopeandpray #dream #keepwishing #keephoping #keepheralive #samantha #mydearest #mylove #myeverything #myotherhalf❤️ #loveher❤️ #shelovesme #nothingwrong #slowlychanging #becomeher #befree #beher #itsjustme #itsus https://www.instagram.com/p/CQbttD-s10s/?utm_medium=tumblr

[aecirillo22]

Serenity Prayer 🙏 #NewChapters #reminders #aura #faith #hope #wisdom #courage #believe #facts #god #amen #catholic #NewMe #MovingFoward #SlowlyChanging #SeeingSelfWorth #becomingWhoIWantToBe #NotFailing #happiness

[showmeyoursoulplease]

Yay Vegetarianism!

My roommates are buying vegetarian food and I didn't even say anything to them!

[traumadumpwriter]

Freedom: A John Shelby Fanfiction

Heavy trigger warning: Blood, violence, gore. Mentions of self harm, sexual assault and rape.

Check out the other chapters by going on the Freedom tag on my page!

Sorry for the slow updates. I'm much more regular on my Wattpad and already have a lot more chapters uploaded there. The @ is slowlychanging.

Don't forget to like and comment if you're enjoying! It really does mean a lot. Stay safe xx

Chapter Twelve : 3370 words

The next couple of days were spent in that bed, John refusing to let Alice even get up to cook. He was cautious and weary, strictly following the instructions given by the nurse of bed rest for at least a week - although Alice's seductive nature meant perhaps she wasn't resting as much as needed.

"Darling I don't wanna hurt you. Are you sure this is alright?" Despite the concern his lips were pulled into a grin as he hovered over her, eyes absorbing every inch of exposed skin.

"Yes it's fine. Just don't be rough. We can do slow, can't we." She replied with a smirk, running her fingers down along his chest until they reached the button of his trousers.

No one had come and bothered them, not even Pol, meaning they'd stayed in their loving bubble with mostly no worries of the outside world for over 72 hours now. A pure and rare reprieve for the pair.

If even the slightest bit of upset crossed either of their minds, they were quickly distracted by the other - either by the uncontrollable lust or almost unstopping conversation, the most obscure facts being revealed about one another with every passing hour. The room was rarely silent; chatter, laughter, moans, but when it was - the silence was welcomed. Laid on their sides, devoutly staring into each other's eyes and keeping their fingers intertwined - at times it felt too good to be true.

The only emotional discomfort truly experienced by either was by John after Alice would fall asleep - her still face and closed eyes somehow ending the spell of daytime bliss. Instead it reminded him of the things he was desperate to say, although the responses were possibly not ones he wanted to hear. There was still reprieve however; waking up from his bad dreams and being able to smell Alice's hair instantly dissolved any panic that would've usually affected him.

His favourite times were the mornings. The early sun, white in its shine as it peaked through the curtain, perfectly illuminating her - an angel in his baggy top. Her soft, sleep ridden voice and quiet giggle at his half awakened face, followed by a cheeky remark as he peppered her neck with sloppy kisses. She would ask him how he slept, he would say "fine" so as not to talk about it, then she would tell him about her dreams - her animated voice as she described the nonsensical plots bringing a smile to his lips.

Her favourite times were the evenings. The candle light basking the room in a comforting orange glow; sitting at the small table John had brought upstairs, with their empty dinner plates beside them as they played cards. Playful chatter and laughter erupted effortlessly from their mouths, remembrances of childhood and witty teasing. She loved to watch and listen to John talk, his eyes lighting up at certain subjects, perfectly comfortable in expressing himself - unlike when he was around others.

It had occurred to her however, that in the mornings at the mention of his sleep he'd look away - not in his usual way of disapproval or anger, but an awkward avoidance - and it didn't take much for her to guess why. On the third evening, a few drinks in her system, Alice finally let the words slip from her mouth. She'd been afraid to do so, to ruin the perfect bubble they'd been living in, but in a moment of confidence it felt right.

"What do you dream about, John?" She suddenly asked in the middle of a game, drawing his eyes from the cards and onto her curious gaze.

"What do you mean?" He was still smiling but it had weakened slightly.

"I mean.. you don't sleep well. And I think I know why."

There was a pause before he spoke again; getting the feeling that there was no escaping the truth - there never could be with Alice. He thought he'd fooled her but of course he hadn't, when had he ever?

"Of course you know, you know everything. Does that mean we have to talk about it?" He took a few sips from his drink before continuing, a chuckle lacing his tone. "You never really talk about any of your shit."

Alice raised an eyebrow, an amused smirk twinging at the corner of her lips as she spoke.

"You're right. We'll trade. You tell me about the nightmare that keeps you up and I'll tell you about mine."

He was taken aback, but only slightly, becoming used to the absurdity that would spring from her at the most unexpected moments.

"You've been sleeping like a log though and telling me about your dreams every morning." His tone was also laced with amusement.

"I haven't really been having them since we started seeing each other. Cheesy, I know." Her face was bashful for a second, looking down with a giggle before peering back up through her long lashes. "But they used to be bad. Especially before I escaped."

John took another few sips, his mind moving quickly as he processed every word and thought of an adequate response. An honest one.

"I can probably already imagine, it's not something I need to hear." He didn't let the taunting image he'd created of Jones dampen his mood, quickly shooing it away as he gazed somewhat cockily at Alice. "I wanna know something else though."

"What's that?"

"What's the cutting about?" He answered back immediately, moving his hands to hold her right arm, gently tracing his thumb over the heavily accumulated scar tissue. "And all the other shit? I don't get it. Why do you hurt yourself?"

Although the question surprised Alice, she didn't hesitate much in her answer - there was no reason to lie after all, he already basically knew all the worst things anyway.

"Because it feels good and it's instant and reliable. It's always been there for me. Sometimes it's just a distraction or adrenaline, sometimes it feels like I deserve it-"

"Why would you deserve that?"

"That's another question, it was one for one. You haven't answered mine yet, so now it's your turn."

"What! No. I won't interrupt again!" He protested.

"Sorry buster, it's your go." Alice giggled but her determined eyes let John know she wouldn't give this up.

"Okay fine." He cleared his throat before continuing, searching his brain for the words for a moment.

"It's usually the same one, I'm in the trenches." He was trying to stay nonchalant but the distant look that had appeared in his eyes made it evident that he could see the memory as clear as day.

"The mud is so thick I can hardly walk.. and all I can smell is blood. Stepping over the bodies of men I knew... And then I turn a corner and you're all there." He recounted with an airy tone.

The confident smile had faltered and his gaze drifted downwards to the table. He'd never said any of it out loud before and he felt an unfamiliar tight feeling in his chest. His hairs stood on end and his muscles tensed.

"Ada, Arthur, Mum, Pol, Finn, Karl, Tommy.. and now you. Piled up, bleeding, swollen and rotting like the men were."

Alice's smirk had also left her face, her hands switching position with John's and soothingly stroking his arm. She'd heard of war time trauma but had never really seen or heard it in person - practically living under a rock for the entirety of the war. John's pain made her think of her brothers, what they'd seen and endured before dying, and it made her feel uneasy - having pushed most grief away to the box in the back of her mind of things she didn't think of.

"And then... it doesn't matter." John cut himself off sharply, mentally entering the room again and looking back at Alice with clear eyes.

"I ain't shell shocked or nothing like that, not crazy." He quickly added with a nervous swallow.

"You think I'm judging if you're crazy?" The disbelief in Alice's voice followed by a giggle quickly dissolved the heavy mood that had formed, a chuckle even falling from John's lips.

"We both know where I would've ended up if it were anyone else that found me on the road that night." She confessed. "And even then I was slightly surprised that you didn't get me put away."

"Why would I do that? You're a bit nuts but you're just.. you. You're Alice." His tone was almost dreamy. "Far too beautiful to be hidden from the world; scars and all."

A silent moment of appreciation passed before Alice responded, wearily curious.

"Okay, my turn... Does it ever make you uncomfortable? Or maybe that's not the right word... Cautious?"

"What do you mean?"

"The way I am."

John took a sip from his glass, taking a second to look at her curious, unhurt eyes before answering.

"No. But it makes me scared."

The disappointment was immediately visible although she tried to hide it, her expression shrinking and grip on his arm loosening.

"Oh. I'm sorry." She scratched the back of her neck anxiously.

"Don't apologise. I just wish you could see you how I see you, then maybe you wouldn't want to hurt yourself."

Eye contact had ceased now, although John's sight remained glued to her face whilst she looked down at her lap.

"What do you see? Why would it make a difference?"

"That's another question. It's my turn now."

"Oh come on!" She suddenly looked up with a smile again, as if all the awkwardness had been removed from her in one swift, invisible action - lighting up the room with her pearly grin.

"You came up with the game!" John chuckled and then continued in a more somber tone "I want to know, why would you deserve that pain? I just don't get it, Alice."

She shot him a glare - half playfully - before answering, somewhat nonchalantly.

"Because I just do, John. Even before my husband, you remember, I was a fucking nut case. My whole life I've attracted trouble and now it's become me, or I've become it. I don't know. It's just the way it is."

Before he had time to respond she quickly added "Now tell me what you see. Why would it make a difference?"

An amused scoff left John's lips and he moved his arm to stroke her face, gently tracing his thumb across her bruised cheekbone. Despite her attempt to fluster him and keep the conversation on her terms, his mind collected and took note of every detail she spoke, attempting to settle the mysteries but still not understanding enough to.

"In my hand right now, I see the most gorgeous woman I've ever known. In this light, you look like a story mum used to tell; there were so many she'd tell me and Ada, princesses and all that bollocks." He laughed in happy remembrance. "But yeah right now, you look like those stories, how they made me feel; like the world could have something.. special in it." He shifted his touch to her lower face now, fingers brushing her lips. "In the morning, waking up next to you, I know the world has something special in it. You're like a fucking angel. It almost feels wrong to touch."

Alice couldn't quite believe the romances confidently falling from John's mouth, never knowing him to be so observant or descriptive.

"You're drunk." Was all she could justify but he immediately protested.

"Hardly. You're the drunk one. I'm surprised you ain't bloody wasted with that bottle you finished."

A short exchanged look followed by a minute of hard laughter. "Maybe I am a bit drunk." Alice thought to herself as she watched John clear the table and head downstairs.

"I'll do the washing up in the morning, just leave it in the sink." She yawned and went to stretch before the sharp pain of her ribs stopped her, a hiss leaving her lips that was heard from the stairs.

"And that's why I'll do it tomorrow." He spoke easily through the thin walls, his steps shaking the house.

Alice didn't bother to protest and stood up to get changed into pyjamas. John's baggy, white top and matching trousers from his teen years had proven to be extremely comfortable. It also made John feel a certain way, somewhat accomplished in his desire to have her belong to him, his clothes were a stand in ring. Maybe it was the white as well, it seemed to compliment her perfectly in every way.

He was back upstairs in a minute, unbuttoning his shirt to get into his own sleeping attire as Alice watched him with adoring eyes. She couldn't work out how it had happened but she was a woman obsessed. In the flickering orange light his toned, pale body resembled one of a marble statue - pale skin accompanied by rock hard muscle. From his dazzling blue eyes to the considerable sized bulge in his pants, her eyes were stuck to him like glue.

"You're so handsome." She smiled, giddy.

John chuckled slightly and looked at Alice, taking in the glow the fire gave her for another moment before extinguishing the flame, plunging the room in to sudden darkness. The faint glow of the moon peeking through gaps in the curtains was the only light afforded to the small space now but that didn't make it feel any less cosy. Instead, their combined body heat was like a flame of its own.

The next morning Alice awoke to an empty bed, momentarily confusing her until she heard clattering from downstairs and realised John was in the kitchen. A shushed cry of frustration followed the sound of something breaking and the woman giggled in entertainment at the realisation that he was obviously struggling with breakfast today.

With a big yawn followed by a pained hiss, Alice stretched out of bed and made her way downstairs. It was cold in the house, the air still defrosting, and she shivered walking across the creaking floorboards. John turned his head at the noise and was relieved to see her familiar brown eyes gazing back at his.

"I didn't wake you up did I?" His concerned tone was met with a tranquil chuckle from Alice as he put his back to the pan and held out his arms.

She quickly accepted the embrace, burying her face into his chest and taking a deep inhale of his scent.

"No. I did hear you struggling though."

John exhaled slightly in amusement, his eyes suddenly catching sight of the cold nipples pressing through his t-shirt.

"Someone's a bit chilly." He teased before moving a hand to gently cup one boob, his thumb circling her nipple in a way that instantly made Alice's legs squirm.

She had to keep her cool though. Despite the whole doting lovers thing, there were moments where she still remembered to keep her cool.

"Someone's overcooking the bacon." She cocked an eyebrow and he instantly turned around, muttering a quiet 'fuck' as he flung the bits of meat out of the pan.

"What are you doing down here anyway? You should be in bed." He questioned, his gaze now concentrated on buttering the bread in his hands.

Whilst he was at least partially distracted, Alice moved to the sink and began to scrub at the dishes from last night. She didn't like offering nothing to the house whilst he was kind enough to let her live there.

"I don't hurt too bad today. And I've been thinking we should probably go back to work soon." She answered nonchalantly.

John's tone was slightly more dreary, any mention of the outside world instantly adding to the drip that had been gradually decaying the foundations of his fantasy "You don't need to until you're healed. I'll make sure of that-"

"John, you know I hate being such a burden. And besides, I like work! I like being outside!" She protested, cutting him off.

For a second, John felt a pang of something bad in his gut. Was it jealousy? Or anxiety? Or guilt? He couldn't pin it exactly. But it made him look up from the sandwiches and back at Alice in a swift movement.

Upon seeing her confused expression those feelings mostly disappeared though, and he instead felt the previous bubbles of adoration rising from his stomach to his head. He put the butter knife down and stepped over to Alice, once again embracing her and pressing his lips to her head.

"You're so cute, you know that?" He smiled, inhaling her scent and moving one hand to pinch her bum, earning an amused gasp.

"Shut up. I'm serious." She retorted but couldn't hide her smile as she pulled away from him, determined to wash the last dish.

Once he noticed the sink full of soapy water, it only took a second for John's arms hands to automatically dive in there - splashing Alice from head to waist. Before she even had time to react he splashed her again and again, a low chuckle exiting his throat as a scream rose in hers.

It was cold and she was shocked, standing silent for a moment before letting the scream out and turning to John.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

He was already running though, laughing as he went into the living room and hid behind the sofa, followed by Alice.

"You're a fucking prick!" She declared, lunging towards him but he quickly shot out the way. His laughing only got harder as she continuously failed to catch him.

Like a mad man, he darted around the house and jumped just out of reach every time Alice got close to victory. By the time they'd reached back to the kitchen, she was also laughing, her ribs and stomach hurting from it.

"Just come here! I'm gonna get you!"

She hadn't even realised that they were back at the sink, John took his chance and struck again - this time soaking both of them as he violently thrashed at the water. Another scream escaped her mouth but this one was quieter, less shocked.

"You're ridiculous. You know that John Shelby?"

He scoffed, his eyes slowly trickling down from her big eyes and rosy cheeks to the translucent material sticking to her chest.

"You recon?" He smirked "Tell me, what would you do if you got me?"

Alice quickly caught onto the direction of his gaze, defiantly crossing her arms and wrinkling her nose.

"I would send you to a circus to perform with other monkeys." She tutted before letting out a teeth chattering shiver "Now can I please have some dry clothes?"

"Can I not look at you for just a minute longer?"

She rolled her eyes and dropped her arms with a giggle, losing the internal fight of acting cool and accepting it. John's gaze made her stomach swirl and her cheeks pink; a feeling she hadn't enjoyed since childhood, a feeling that she'd spent years being scared of and then years after that forgetting. His eyes studied her, a million thoughts visibly racing behind them, whilst his lips pulled into a small smirk.

"It's actually quite mad to me just how beautiful you are you know?"

The words combined with his sudden touch at the base of her top sent butterflies in all directions.

"You're sweet." Her voice was barely above a whisper and John replied in a low tone.

"If you knew what I was thinking you wouldn't say that."

Alice's lips also pulled into a small smirk.

"Do you not think I'm thinking the same thing?"

"What's that?" John raised his eyebrow.

"What do you mean what's that? You know." Alice shot back, confused.

As if his face couldn't get any smugger, his smirk deepened and he shook his head with a swagger.

"I wanna hear you say it."

Alice almost gasped, wanting to mock the game he was playing, but she herself couldn't resist playing it and so replied, with an exasperated eye roll "John Shelby, if you wouldn't mind, could you fuck me before I freeze my tits off."

"That's more like it."

[ejcasem]

Now I guess.

I don't have to hate myself as much as i did during these past couple months..

[traumadumpwriter]

Heavy trigger warning: Blood, violence, gore. Mentions of self harm, sexual assault and rape.

Check out the other chapters by going on the Freedom tag on my page!

Sorry for the slow updates. I’m much more regular on my Wattpad and already have a lot more chapters uploaded there. The @ is slowlychanging .

Don’t forget to like and comment if you’re enjoying! It really does mean a lot. Stay safe xx

Freedom: A John Shelby mini fic

Chapter Ten: 4199 words

The intense car ride home reminded John far too much of that first car ride with Alice - after he and Arthur had seen her in the middle of the road that fateful night - and it made his stomach turn as he was once again plagued by questions that were all likely to have bad answers.

He was careful to keep the blanket wrapped tightly around her, holding her close to his chest and looking down at the high cheekbones and plump lips of her blood splattered face with an uncomfortable feeling of desperation. Sweat dripped from his face onto hers - but he daren't move his hand to wipe it - unable to bring himself to unwrap his arms from the tight position they were in around her, like he was holding pieces of shattered porcelain together.

Once they were back at his, John wasted no time cleaning things up - quickly checking between her passed out body on the sofa and the boiling water as he prepared a bath. He wasn't too sure of where all the blood had come from; it certainly wasn't all Ergin's and that was worrying him deeply. He moved fast but careful.

Gently, he placed her in the steel tub and watched the red rise to the surface, clotting and creating ink like patterns in the water. His hand swished away all those patterns swiftly though, delicately patting her from head to toe with a flannel until all of the blood was gone from her skin.

In most other situations her naked body would've excited him. But as he lifted her from the tub and carried her to his bed, he felt as if he were handling a delicate antique doll, terrified to crack the china skin. Her injuries were now clear and the water had even opened some of them up, creating more small trickles of blood although not enough for John to panic. His previous fear subsided as he realised the blood was from shallow cuts, littered amongst the hundreds of scars she already had from her neck down to her toes.

That confused him. "Did they make her do this? Or did she do this to herself somehow?" They weren't there that morning and she'd been busy all day, so the first option seemed more likely.

He couldn't imagine ever wanting a woman to hurt herself for his own pleasure but he'd heard of some sick minded men enjoying it - maybe the Turks were in that category of men. His jaw clenched at the thought. Maybe that's how Tommy knew Ergin would like her.

Then, he naturally ran his eyes along the rest of her body; some bruises already starting to form - particularly the finger shaped ones around her neck. That made him painfully grimace.

He could only look at her for a second longer before quickly pulling a clean blanket over the sleeping body and then pacing towards the front door, his anger reaching new heights as he imagined whatever had happened to Alice in those twenty five horror filled minutes spent inside the enemy territory.

With flared nostrils and shaking hands, he pulled on his coat and stormed out the house, instantly lighting a cigarette as he strode towards Watery lane. After only a couple seconds of walking he heard a familiar set of heels stepping towards him and soon Aunt Pol appeared out of the fog, strutting with a concerned expression.

"Is she alright John? What happened?" She asked worriedly, but could guess the answer after seeing his furrowed brow and clenched fists.

He simply shot the woman a glare before continuing his march, determined to get to his brothers and give them the nastiest fight he'd ever given them. Pol of course let out a huff before turning around and following him, having to walk faster to keep up with his wide stepped pace.

"She's alive isn't she?" Her voice had an unintentional amount of panic in it.

"Only just."

"Well if it's only just what the fuck are you doing out here and not with her? See to your brother tomorrow." The tone had lost its previous softness as she snapped at her nephew.

"It ain't just Tommy, it's you and Arthur too. All three of you fucking put her up to this." John hissed, his eyes staying focused on the pavement ahead.

"Oh please! Like you're not the one completely desperate to see that bloody bastard husband of hers dead. The Turks are gone and now it's only time until he comes to us-"

"What's the point him being dead if she ain't alive?" He stopped his pace and turned to his aunt dramatically. "Huh? I can't marry a dead woman! Can I!... She's fucking lucky she made it outta there alive and she certainly ain't fucking unscathed as Tommy fucking put it!" With an angry scoff he chucked his cigarette to the ground. "And you know what! After tonight I don't give a fuck about her being married already! Fuck that bastard, I'm gonna marry her! She ain't his and she never was - dead or alive - she's mine! And ain't no one, not you, not Tommy, not anyone is gonna take her from me! You got that?"

His eyes were wide and his breathing heavy - never having been angry enough at his aunt to rant at her so aggressively before. Usually he would keep his mouth shut and step into line, but something about Alice was making that submissive part of him disappear - at least for anyone who wasn't her - and he felt as if he could fight the whole world if it meant his girl would be okay.

Polly didn't tut or raise her hand at his outburst as she usually would at the slightest infraction though, staying calm as she looked at her nephew and only felt pity. The proposal was something she'd seen coming a mile off, but the pain he was feeling as a result of tonight - it was palpable. From his steely, reddening eyes to his raised but ragged voice; the young man was desperately in love. Desperately in love with a woman even more damaged than himself.

"Oh how awful love can be." Polly thought, letting out a sigh before adopting a more gentle tone again. There wasn't any satisfying answer to his outburst and so much like he did to her, she replied with another initial question of her own.

"Why have you left her on her own then? You and I both know that's a bad idea-"

"She's out cold." Again, John cut Pol off icily but could gradually feel himself calming down as he looked into his aunts comforting, knowledgeable face. If she was calm, then things had to be okay - that was the way he'd always known although he struggled to feel it in that moment. "So I can't even ask her what happened but she were covered in blood, fucking naked n only half awake when I found her so I'm sure you can fucking guess!"

Polly felt her heart drop to her stomach, a wave of nauseous guilt overtaking her. She should've expected it but she didn't, having faith in her nephews plan and even in the merciless violence that Clara's nightmare daughter seemed to have been capable of.

"And it don't even matter that the Turks are fucking dead. Because they still hurt her. I'd rather them be alive so I could fucking do to them what they done to her." His voice still frothed with anger but was considerably quieter now, sounding more tired and depressed than amped and violent as it was previously.

"Perhaps it wasn't as bad as John thought though. Maybe she did just dance as Tommy had said she would. Perhaps, Alice had been able to kill them before they had the chance to really hurt her." Polly tried to have herself believe as she attempted to soothe her heartbroken nephew.

"She's a tough girl and I'm sure she'll have Tommy herself when she wakes up." One corner of John's lip nearly twitched upwards at that image but was quickly anchored down before it actually had the chance to rise.

"She'll be fine, John." Pol continued, placing a hand on his shoulder before starting her walk back to the family home. "But you should be with her now. Tomorrow will come soon enough."

And with that she was gone back into the fog, stepping with less speed than before now that she knew Alice was alive and at least semi-okay.

It was news that Arthur waited impatiently to hear, unable to see his brother himself after hearing about the bloodstained car ride from Isaiah. He knew exactly how angry John would be and couldn't blame him one bit for whatever violence he was sure to want to inflict on him. But that wasn't the thing that stressed him most - he'd grown a genuine soft spot for the extra ordinary woman and was now terrified that he'd played a role in another traumatic experience or at the worst, her untimely death.

Sure, he knew the Turks sadistic reputation - but he also knew Alice's and now, like Pol, realised that he had possibly placed too much faith in it. After all, she wouldn't have been able to torture David without the assistance of the brothers - in fact if they hadn't been there he probably would've had his way with her. Why hadn't he even considered that fact until now? Why did he have to just trust that Tommy's plan would go completely perfect?

Stressed, he ran his hands through his hair and looked up at the clock - each second dragging agonisingly as he waited for his aunts return. As soon as the door opened and her dark locks were visible, he rose from his seat and opened his mouth but Polly beat him to the punch.

"She's out cold as your brother put it - you won't be getting any real answers until tomorrow. But alive at least."

Arthur nodded silently, relief flooding him although you wouldn't be able to tell from his stoic expression.

"I've never seen him like this before, Arthur. He was on his way to whack you and Tommy until I stopped him... He's completely in love with that girl. He'll never forgive us for this."

Meanwhile a few streets away, John's face was as unreadable as his brothers but instead of being relieved, he felt sick. He carefully carried Alice up the stairs and into his bed - her body still heavy and limp as she showed no signs of waking soon. The blanket remained draped around her and soon she was tucked under another one - an attempt at providing the most comfort and warmth possible without actually wrapping himself around her.

She didn't stir even slightly throughout the night, remaining stiff to point where John would check her breathing occasionally - unable to sleep until the early hours himself. And when he did finally fall asleep, he was plagued with nightmares; his usual ones of war but now they cruelly had Alice intertwined into them too.

It was around eight that the woman finally awoke, instantly groaning from the pain across her body before her eyes even opened. She could smell John and feel the soft texture of his bed against her bare skin, something she peacefully soaked in for a second before the memories of the night before came crashing into view and she became acutely aware of her unwilling nudity - along with the sore injuries she seemed to be covered in.

Panicked, she sat up straight - instantly gasping and falling back down as she felt a shooting pain in her ribs. John shot up at the slight noise and quickly turned towards her, feeling as if he hadn't slept at all and was immediately alert.

Seeing her deep brown eyes open again, although they were full of fear, lifted a weight from his shoulders that he didn't even realise was there and he was quick to try to soothe her.

"Hey, hey it's okay-" he went in for a hug but she sharply flinched away, panicked breaths and tearful eyes making her look as vulnerable as a shot lamb.

"It hurts.. my ribs. I think they're broken." She gasped, looking down at her body and letting out an even more scared pant before looking up at John.

"I, I didn't want to get nude. Please don't think I'm a whore. I, I should have listened to you. I'm sorry." Her voice was a weak stammer and tears started to brew at her waterline as John quickly jumped out of the bed and raced to stand by her side - his speed unintentionally making her jump in fright.

Before she could panic any more though, he bent down and placed a long kiss on her forehead, holding her bruised face with one hand whilst the other interlocked with her shaking fingers.

"It's alright. You're okay. I'm with you. No one is ever gonna hurt you or have their bloody way with you again. I swear on it." He cooed, instantly relaxing her slightly. "And Tommy is gonna pay for sending you in there, I promise."

The silence that followed accompanied by John's gentle touch felt like heaven compared to the traumatic night before. She was safe now.

It gave Alice a real moment to collect her thoughts and calm herself down, the tears that were brewing quickly evaporating. She pondered on his words, how much it clearly worried him that she might've had sex with the Turks, and that was something she had to set straight before it could fester on his or her mind any longer. She didn't want him to think of her even more dirty than she already was.

"They didn't have their way, John. I wasn't raped. In fact, you arrived just in time." Her voice was still quivering, although considerably less than before. His touch seemed to have almost numbed her, a nonchalant energy to the R word as her body realised that she was now safe and no longer had to panic.

It was a word that some women wouldn't dare to utter, but Alice was so desensitised to it that it rolled off her tongue like any other word would. John decided not to think on that though, gently stroking her bruised cheekbone and placing another kiss on her forehead before he spoke again, a small relieved smile on his lips but it didn't quite reach his eyes. He didn't know whether to believe her or not - clearly so scared of being judged as some sort of whore although he could never see her that way.

"If I had been a few minutes later?" He asked quietly, trying to coax the full truth from her swollen lips.

"Then I imagine he would have had me." She replied plainly, no more shakiness or fear in her voice. The blunt tone was all he needed to know there was no lie, in fact it was her familiar blunt tone of brutal honesty - the words that came from it usually leaving a trail of hurt upon whoever received them. "But he didn't. You were there in time. So there is nothing to dwell on."

Another moment of silence passed, his hands remaining in their delicate positions before he slowly pulled them away and stepped backwards from the bed, getting a full look at her bruised neck and feeling that rage from last night kick in again.

"I'm assuming everything else went well? The Turks are no longer a problem?" She continued, not even acknowledging John's visible change in mood.

"Burnt to the ground." He spoke lowly.

"Good."

There was now an awkwardness in the air as John clearly wanted to say so many things but didn't know how to. Alice could guess what he was thinking anyway.

"I'm still going to punch your brother in his fucking face. I thought I was gonna die when Ergin was... and Tommy told me I'd be fine." Her voice was losing its confidence again as she thought of the fear she'd felt and she had to cut herself off to stop the shake from coming back. The anger in John's eyes was already blistering - he didn't need to hear how scared she'd really been.

He knew anyway, thinking back on the tales she'd told of Jones and how much it must've felt like being with him. He could never let that happen to her again. So, with a heavy exhale, he looked to his feet and then up again before speaking.

"I'm gonna drive you to the hospital, get those ribs sorted. We'll pick up Ada on the way to keep you company, I doubt you'll be there very long anyway." He instructed, moving across the room to get dressed as Alice lay with an irritated scowl.

She knew he was right but god she resented being told what to do - even by John.

"And what am I to do in the hospital? What about Tommy? I want to give him a piece of my mind." She moaned.

"You're to lay still, recover and stay safe." He replied before making his way back over to the bed with a small pile of clean clothes to pick from. "Don't you worry about Tommy, he's gonna get a piece of my, and probably even Pol's mind once I get my hands on him."

Alice sifted through the clothes, letting out an involuntary painful hiss as she moved out of the bed to get dressed.

The damage done to her body was clearer in the morning light illuminating the small room: dark bruises and vicious cuts. She looked even worse than John had realised in the dimness of the night before. He thought about the beautiful white dress she'd confidently galavanted in less than twenty four hours ago; how regal she looked even with a gun in her hand, how angelic she seemed. Now she didn't look much better than the men he'd seen at war.

Alice noticed his bewildered expression as she weakly pulled on a white shirt - the most comfortable from the pile - and found herself racking her brain for some words of comfort. She knew she looked bad and she knew John was worried but there was nothing to be worried about - atleast in her mind - she'd made it out alive, relatively unviolated and the blinders had won the battle.

Why did he care so much about her injuries? His intense gaze paired with the furrowed brows were starting to make her feel ugly.

"Stop looking at me like that, John. I'm fine." Her voice almost sounded angry, it probably would've come out a lot more intensely if she weren't so tired.

"Look at you like what?" He scoffed, watching her pull on a grey pair of trousers with an obvious attempt to keep a straight, unpained face.

"Like you're so... I don't know." She struggled to find the exact words as a pounding headache started to kick in. "Scared, or worried, or maybe even sad? Like I said, I'm fine and there's nothing to dwell on."

John scoffed at her again, louder this time and with more irritation. He looked to the floor with a tut before regaining the previous intense eye contact.

"You shouldn't be fine. You ain't fine! You should be upset, like you were just five minutes ago. But you go numb.. you go empty. It's like you don't even give a shit about yourself.. about what could've happened."

"What. Upset that a man could've forced his dick in me for the millionth fucking time? Or actually, finally killed me? La dee fucking da John! It didn't happen, so it don't matter. And even if it did why would it make a difference at this point? I'm already damaged goods, we both know that. So why do you care?"

The mood had drastically changed from the comfort of each others company to extreme irritation within a couple of seconds. Mood swings were a common part of being around Alice, yet John still found himself occasionally shocked by the intensity of them. Especially in this circumstance.

"Because I fucking love you, Alice! Jesus fucking Christ! What is actually wrong with you?" He raised his voice "You're actually fucked if you really think like that! Why don't you give a single fuck about yourself? Why aren't you angry?" A lash of agony laced his tone, every word she'd spoke landing like a knife into his chest.

"You think I'm not angry?" She scoffed this time, much more venomously than him. "I'm more angry than you could ever fucking know. I was kept prisoner for five years, John. I just learnt to hold it in."

"Well you don't have to hold it in anymore." He was desperate to quell her mood, to bring out her vulnerability again as atleast it meant she was human. But her defences stayed up and her expression mimicked one of a savage tiger, hissing and ready to pounce.

"Oh yes I do. Trust me. If I didn't, I'd never get to leave that hospital. I think you know that. Now let's fucking go and get it over with, Ada doesn't need to come, I can be left alone."

~~~~~

No more words were exchanged between the unofficial couple until they reached the hospital, both stubbornly side eyeing each other during the drive, secretly hoping the other would initiate the talk.

John didn't know what to say and Alice felt embarrassed to speak. Embarrassed that she'd panicked that morning, embarrassed that she'd then been rude and even more embarrassed that she'd even gotten hurt last night - having felt so certain of herself previously. All of these things made her weak - at least in her mind - and so she awkwardly kept her eyes to the ground as she struggled out of the car, holding in a pain filled groan.

Despite her attempts at hiding the breathlessness the forced silence was causing her, the observant man was instantly at her side, offering a hand by holding out his but still saying nothing.

With a defeated sigh, Alice intertwined her fingers with his and looked up into his eyes for a second before averting her gaze back to the floor. His sympathetic gaze could only be withstood for that long before she felt embarrassed again.

"I'm sorry." She sighed with an uncomfortable swallow of pride; not used to feeling so weak.

It surprised John as he was just getting ready to break the silence himself, unable to bear it any longer after a peak at her depressed expression. There was a lot he wanted to say in response, conflicting answers followed by questions, but they were both so tired that he decided against it.

"It's alright." He simply responded, a wooden pick balanced between his teeth. "Let's get this over with."

As they ascended the great stone steps to the lobby, Alice found herself needing to lean into John far more than she wanted to, once again feeling weak and embarrassed, unable to even keep eye contact with the receptionist as John demanded an immediate and private consultation - a big emphasis on those words only added to by the wad of cash gripped in his free hand.

God her cheeks were red by time she was being sat into a wheelchair, watching John whisper something to one of the nurses before they were quite ready to whisk her away. It wasn't hard to guess what he was saying, considering that Ada hadn't been picked up.

"Make sure she's not left alone."

So ashamed she could've cried on the spot and starting to completely disassociate, his face suddenly inches from hers made her jump as it took a second to register. She wasn't used to getting looked at with pity - it was usually the opposite - "or atleast it used to be" was all she could bitterly think.

"I'll go get Ada now." John's tone was still flat, struggling to maintain a calm composure himself. He tried to keep Alice's eyes on his with a deep stare, but once hers hit her lap they were seemingly anchored there; along with the corners of her mouth.

"You told the nurse not to leave me alone, didn't you?" What would usually come out as an intimidating sneer came out in a quiet sigh.

"Can you blame me?" His hand moved to stroke her arm but he stopped himself, swallowing and pausing for a moment before stepping away as he felt his emotions starting to badly brew again.

He didn't want to leave her, not even for an hour, in fact it was the last thing he really wanted to do. But the anger was becoming too much and he needed to let it out before he threw any of it at Alice - even if she was the cause of some.

So with a short, deep breath, he said "I'll see you later" in a tone so empty it shocked Alice for once, a friendly nurse wheeling her away but her words sounding like nothing as the woman's difficult thoughts reached max volume.

[traumadumpwriter]

I do update more frequently and there r already more chapters on my Wattpad @/slowlychanging!

Heavy trigger warning for abuse, SA, assault, violence, self harm, mentions of r*pe

If you enjoy please don’t forget to like, repost, comment. Give me feedback! I love to hear it!

Check out the other chapters by going to the Freedom tag on my page!

Freedom: A John Shelby Mini Fic

Chapter Eight: 2764 words

The next day, Alice awoke first, momentarily confused by her surroundings until she felt the comforting warmth surrounding her and smelt that familiar scent of tobacco and cinnamon. As she remembered the previous night, a grin formed upon her pink lips and a giddiness in her stomach. John's muscular arms were loosely laid across her body and his handsome head rested on the pillow beside hers.

A pale beam of early morning sunlight peaked through the curtains and illuminated his chiseled physique, bringing a grin to Alice's face and she almost let out an elated giggle, completely awe struck by the man.

Gently, she tried to remove his arm in order to go downstairs and make breakfast, but he groaned and held her tighter, half opening his eyes for a second and murmuring something before closing them again.

"I was gonna make us breakfast, I should probably get going soon." Alice whispered, unsure if John was actually conscious enough to understand her.

Another groan left his mouth before his eyes opened again, this time fully, and almost instantly a smile formed at the corners of his lips as he looked up at the woman beside him. Her hair was messy as was the loosely fitting pyjama top he'd lent her; the white cloth hanging from her chest revealing the outline of her breasts very clearly - especially in the cold morning air.

"Heavenly." He thought to himself before squeezing her tightly again and pulling her under the covers.

"No breakfast. Stay here." He grumbled, burying his face into her side.

Butterflies were going crazy in Alice's stomach as an involuntary blush formed on her face.

"I'm so lucky." She thought before sliding back down in the bed to face him.

His expression was still sleepy and she laughed quietly at that, warming back into his arms. She'd never felt so safe and comfortable beside a man before, let alone loved, and it almost felt too good to be true.

"Okay. But not for long. I have to get to work." She quietly responded, interlocking her fingers with John's before closing her eyes again.

"Nah you don't. I'll tell Arthur to fuck off." He smirked slightly, his eyes still open and watching Alice intently as she smiled at his response, sleepily sinking into the pillow.

She wasn't going to argue with that after all, who could resist a day off work spent in the arms of John Shelby?

So, she snuggled tightly into his chest with a happy sigh and drifted back to sleep again whilst John silently watched her for a while, feeling really hopeful for the first time in a long time.

The previous night couldn't have gone more perfect. From her carefree dancing; the gleam it gave her eyes and how it made his stomach whirl, to the romantic confessions and subsequent expression of love. He hadn't experienced bliss with a woman like that before, even continuing into the morning after - usually he had no interest in there even being a morning after.

The bliss didn't last for much longer though.

An hour later, just as John had drifted off to sleep again, the front door slammed open and in stormed Arthur.

"Ain't you been told to lock that door!" He shouted through the house, shocking Alice awake too.

John quickly pulled the blanket up to her neck as Arthur made his way upstairs - knowing he would also just storm into the bedroom without any consideration as he had into the house. His brother sounded angry which was a bad sign, so John rolled out of the bed in preparation for some immediate action.

"What's happening?" Alice whispered but Arthur's shout cut her off.

"Wake up John! And where's Alice-" his loudness was also cut off when he walked into the room, doing a double take and half smiling for a second before returning to his serious expression.

"Both of you needed now, Tommy's called a meeting. We're dealing with the Turks today." He spoke quickly and went to leave the room before John responded.

"What do you mean both of us? She ain't involved." John scowled at his brother as he buttoned up his shirt.

"You tell that to Tommy." Arthur scoffed before turning to Alice with an awkward nod and then leaving.

She too rolled out of bed and began getting dressed, matching John's speed as she sensed the urgency despite her confusion. A big part of her was excited, interested in the secrets of the family business and the lives they lived. Only a small part was nervous.

John on the other hand was full of dread, his blissful morning now becoming a potentially hellish one. His silence alerted Alice to his worry and she moved to comfort him, interlocking her fingers with his before heading out the front door.

"I'm sure it'll be okay John." She softly spoke before placing a gentle kiss on his lips "I have faith in you."

A small smile began to tease at the corners, but her beautiful, innocent eyes soon brought them back down as he thought about the horrors they'd already seen and now the new horrors his desensitised brother potentially wanted to introduce.

With a heavy sigh, he planted a kiss on the top of her head before mumbling "Just don't agree to anything stupid" and opening the heavy wooden door.

The walk to the family home was swift and silent, only being a road away, and the air was thick when they arrived.

Polly sat at the table, smoking a cigarette and impatiently tapping her fingers against the varnish whilst Tommy and Arthur were stood still, leant against their chairs. All eyes landed on Alice and the silence was becoming unbearable as she realised things might be more serious than she'd thought.

"What's going on then?" John took a sharp intake of breath and stared at his brother with thin eyes, drawing the stares from Alice to him.

"Ergin was at that club last night. Saw the two of you having a great time." Tommy answered with an equally unfriendly gaze.

"Well I didn't see him. Didn't see any Turks in fact. And what's it matter if I did? Weren't their territory."

Tommy was silent for a moment, a million thoughts going through his head as he looked at his younger brother - projected through his icy glare - and then he turned to face Alice.

"One of his men recognised you. They know your husband, Jones Buckley; said they started business recently."

Instantly, the heavy feeling in John's gut doubled and Alice's tripled, her hands starting to shake slightly even at the mention of the man. God, it had been a long time since she heard the last name he'd forced onto her, and it made her feel sick. She wondered how Jones could've even come into conversation, how a man associated with the Turks would've ever even have seen her with him before.

But then a painful memory of a tanned man visiting the campsite in search for a cheap whore struck her, and she realised that there had been a man at the club last night who had seen her at her most vulnerable - and she hadn't even noticed him.

That made her feel more sick, even more scared, although those feelings quickly deflected into anger.

"So this is kind of a two birds with one stone situation, if you agree of course." Tommy continued, grounding her to reality again.

"What do you mean, Tommy? Agree to what?" Alice quickly spoke in an uncertain tone.

He took a sharp drag on his cigarette before continuing, not looking at all at his younger brother despite the intense glare he was sending his way. John's mind was also racing; the reveal of the secret last name making him feel even worse than he thought it would. That and the fact that Tommy found it out before he did.

"You distract Ergin and his closer men while we take care of his soldiers. He wants you to dance and fuck. I told him he could for a night-"

"Are you fucking mad!" John finally snapped and shouted, cutting Tommy off and storming towards him, much to Alice's shock. Arthur quickly stepped between the two as John's fists started to ball and Tommy resumed his standard, unamused face.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me Tommy. You're taking the fucking piss-"

"Let him finish!" Polly loudly interrupted John and put the room into silence again.

Tommy cleared his throat, turning back to Alice before continuing. "You wouldn't actually have to sleep with him, or anyone, he just thinks you will. I've got something for you to put in their drinks, it'll take fifteen minutes to kick in, if he tries to have you in that time I've got a gun you'll be able to hide in a handbag but the blinders should be in the room before anything happens-"

"So you want me to potentially murder multiple men for you, at a relatively high risk to myself?" Alice interrupted him with a raised eyebrow, sensing how bad Tommy wanted - maybe even needed - her to do this task and enjoying the power it gave her over him. The part about her husband gave her an intense pang of anxiety again though, what did he have to do with all of this? It couldn't be good.

"What do I gain from this? What does my husband have to do with anything?" Her voice sounded cool now despite the anxiety she really felt.

Everyone was slightly taken aback to hear her call him her husband - everyone except for John. She'd never spoken about her time away to anyone in the room other than him and it remained somewhat of a mystery to everyone else. All they knew was that he was a bad man - a bad man that John was desperate to kill - and certainly hadn't earned the title of 'husband'.

Of course, Tommy showed no reaction though and continued talking calmly - as if he wasn't actually mentally praying for her to agree to the plan. He and Arthur had worked out the initial part of catching Ergin's attention, they just weren't counting on her and John's revenge plan falling into the mix - although it potentially made the plan even more perfect.

John on the other hand, completely uninformed, was horrified, angrier at his brother than he'd ever been and terrified of something happening to Alice. He stood in silence though, waiting for her to refuse Tommy's offer and put his mind at ease. Slight ease. There were still a million questions he had to ask his brother, most regarding the identity of Jones Buckley - the full name that he hadn't even coaxed out of Alice yet.

"Cut off the original supplier, Jones will return to see them eventually, have no choice but to come to us. Then we can-"

"Then we can kill him too." She cut him off, everything finally clicking into place.

The two stared intensely at each other, Alice thinking over his words and Tommy hoping he'd said the right ones. Their dominant stares - their distrustful bargaining, it felt uncomfortably similar to that night in The Garrison with David. Getting Alice involved in Peaky business wasn't something Tommy felt great about, but in the long run it would surely be worth it as this was the perfect opportunity to get to the Turks and Jones.

"How much you paying me for this?" She finally spoke, much to John's immense but silent annoyance. He wished he could be shocked that she was so willing to put herself in danger, but he wasn't. Instead, he was irritated at both her and Tommy - mentally cursing his brother. Then he looked around the room and saw the lack of shock on Arthur and Polly's faces.

"Bloody bastards, they're in on it too. Arthur purposely sent me to that bar last night. And Pol, how could she support this?"

"Eight pounds if it all goes right." Tommy replied.

"Where and when?"

"Their hotel, seven o'clock, today."

She only thought for a second before responding "Deal."

At that word, a white hot rush of dread and rage surged through John's body and a heavy exhale left his nostrils as he thinned his eyes at everybody in the room, except for Alice. He couldn't even look at Alice; so disappointed in her decision but knowing he had no right to stop her and that trying to would just make her more determined.

So instead, he said nothing and walked out of the house, his hand going straight into his pocket for a cigarette and lighter. He felt betrayed by his family and worried sick for his lover; tutting and shaking his head at the ground as he kicked at the small rocks around him.

"Arthur purposely recommended that bar to me. They knew the Turks would be there. They somehow knew that Ergin would want Alice." His furious trail of thoughts didn't last long as he heard Alice exiting the family home.

She called his name as she caught up to him but his gaze remained on the rocks below.

"John! I'll be fine! You needn't stress!" She smiled once she reached his side, looking up at his face as he purposefully didn't look at hers.

"We've still got hours. Why don't I make us some breakfast?" Her tone remained cheerful, desperately hanging on to that morning's bliss despite John's evident drastic mood change.

A heavy sigh left his lips before he finally spoke, still staring straight ahead.

"I told you not to agree to anything stupid." He muttered bitterly.

"Well I don't think I have." Her tone was still soft although her hope for a happy breakfast with John had dwindled.  "Can I have a cigarette?"

Promptly, he handed her the box, finally making eye contact before exhaling a plume of smoke and tutting.

"Tommy's a cunt for putting you up to this. Ergin's a dangerous man, it's not gonna be as simple as you think it is." His voice was low and his expression stoic.

"All I've ever known is dangerous men. Yourself included."

"Not like this you haven't. I'm serious, Alice. If he catches on to the plan he will kill you.. And even if he don't, who's to say you're able to kill him before he gets his way with you? Why would you even agree to risk that?"

"I don't know." She scoffed lightly. "Maybe because this is the path to my husband that we need. This is what you wanted last night. And besides, I'm confident that I can kill Ergin-"

"You've never killed anyone before! Let alone a gang boss! Or atleast I don't think you have but who fucking knows!" John erupted with sudden volume, earning another unimpressed scoff from the woman. "If you had any fucking sense you would've told Tommy to fuck off, fuck off Jones, fuck off the money! You cannot do this Alice-"

"Oh I can't, can't I?" She cut him off with volume to match his own, thinning her eyes and putting her left hand on her hip as she sucked down the cigarette with the right one. "I'm not some kind of delicate fucking victim, John! Nor am I your wife. So think twice before telling me what I can and can't fucking do! I'm just trying to help your family whilst getting my own revenge too. Like Tommy said, two birds one stone.. I thought you'd appreciate it."

John threw his cigarette to the ground and stepped on it, resuming his previous stare into the stoney backstreet of Watery Lane instead of Alice's pale face.

"Why would I ever appreciate you putting yourself in danger? It's like you want bad stuff to happen to you.. I don't bloody get it." He muttered.

"But last night, you said I could kill Jones. Isn't this just a step to that?"

"I might've said it but I didn't mean it! No more blood needs to be on your hands! Only mine!"

Alice stood in silence for a few seconds, more irritated with John than she'd ever been. There were so many things she wanted to angrily spew but she didn't have the energy. Her mind was focused on the task before her now and so she decided to walk away - ignoring John's rude tut.

"I'll see you later." She spoke in a flat tone as she went back into the family house, where Arthur was waiting to give her every detail necessary for the plan to work.

[traumadumpwriter]

Heavy trigger warning: Blood, violence, gore. Mentions of self harm, sexual assault and rape.

Check out the other chapters by going on the Freedom tag on my page!

Sorry for the slow updates. I'm much more regular on my Wattpad and already have a lot more chapters uploaded there. The @ is slowlychanging.

Don't forget to like and comment if you're enjoying! It really does mean a lot. Stay safe xx

Freedom: A John Shelby fanfiction

Chapter Eleven: 2900 words

Knuckles white as he gripped the wheel, John raced to the shop without even thinking to pick up Ada - only able to focus on the rage. Red hot, blistering rage, fuelled by the haunting image of Alice's crumpled body. It taunted him like a ghostly apparition whilst the smokey, serpentine roads felt like they stretched on forever.

By time he got out of the car, slamming on the breaks in the middle of the street, his anger had reached new heights. Luckily, it wasn't particularly busy at the shop; just the usual workers sat around, and so there was no halt when John stormed into Tommy's office, immediately met by alert blue eyes.

"You're a fucking prick, you know that?" John's voice was instantly raised as he paced to his older brother, who didn't as much as flinch upon recognising the intruder. Tommy had already received a bollocking from Pol that morning and wasn't at all surprised to see John's furrowed brows and closed fists. Still though, he couldn't help but be annoyed by the disturbance - he was busy dealing with the other results of last night after all - so his mouth remained straight and his gaze unsympathetic.

"She's in hospital right now because of you! Do you even care?" John slammed a hand down onto the desk with a shout, desperate for even a crack in his brothers face. "Huh Tommy? Do you even give a fuck?"

"Yes John, I give a fuck. And that's why everything worked out, didn't it?" The patriarch responded flatly before lighting a cigarette.

"No it didn't all fucking work out! Did you not fucking hear me? What about her being hurt is bloody alright to you? Alice could've died last night." John growled in response, almost spitting in his fury.

This newfound opposition from one of his most loyal soldiers was starting to get under Tommy's skin.

"Well she can't be doing that bad if you're fucking here, can she John? Huh?" His eyes started to widen with irritated energy and his voice got gradually louder. "Because she ain't even your wife and you've gone soft for her! Where's your balls John, she fucking agreed to it and if there's an issue she can come speak to me. Are you a fucking carrier pigeon now?"

John gritted his teeth.

"No, I'm not fucking not. I'll tell you what you are though. You're a fucking cunt. An egotistical fucking cunt. And-"

"Well at least I've not gone soft for a nut job, John. Because that's what she is, a fucking nut job! And you plan on marrying her! You're even thicker than I thought-"

That was it. John leapt across the desk and punched Tommy's face, quickly earning an equal punch back as they started to brawl. The noise instantly caught the attention of everyone in the shop and Pol soon burst in with a drunken Arthur - only just awoken and still stumbling.

Her shouts were being ignored as the brothers hissed at each other in between their attacks, knocking over furniture and sending each other flying.

"You're just fucking bitter that your woman ain't ever coming back, but mine did. You're still fucked off over some clapped cavalry cunt!" John declared before shoving Tommy backwards with a scoff. He went to punch him again but his brother had suddenly floored him.

"Cus' she's such a woman ain't she John? Still acting like a bloody animal whenever there's any opportunity to do so!" Tommy had a grip on John's leg, dragging him with gritted teeth until he was also pulled to the ground.

John used this opportunity to jump up and start kicking his brother, although he quickly clambered up too and threw a heavy punch to his face. Blood spat from John's mouth before he threw a heavier punch back.

"You've got no one." He growled before gripping Tommy's shoulders and slamming him against the bookshelf, classics falling down with the intense shake. John's fingers moved to squeeze Tommy's throat.

"Well last time I checked this so called woman ain't even yours, she's still Mrs Buckley." The elder mocked with wide eyes and a venomously sharp tone. He knew his brother wouldn't kill him.

Although if John was seeing red before, it was now a faded shade in comparison to the colour he saw then. The words made him feel sick. Mrs Buckley. It gave his whole body an intense wave of revulsion as he threw his brother down to the ground and then kneeled over him, quickly starting to pummel his face as Tommy landed punches to his gut.

"Don't you ever fucking say that!" A guttural shout much louder than the others erupted from his mouth followed by a flurry of hits that halted Tommy's arms entirely and finally drew over Arthur.

John didn't stop hitting until he was suddenly grabbed by the eldest, which was a mistake on his part because he swiftly received a punch to the face that also sent him to the ground whilst Tommy was clambering up.

Just as John was about to go for his brother again, Pol's voice finally broke through the violent haze and he turned to her for the first time since she entered, paying attention.

"Alright John, you've floored them both. That's enough." Despite the demanding tone, it was a familiarity he found comfort in and the red began to fade. Unbeknownst to him, she shot Tommy a sharp glare just as he was about to open his mouth and make another taunt.

"What's she in bloody hospital for? I thought you said she was alright last night?" Her words grounded him back into the current reality and his breathing started to even out; followed by a glance down at his fists which he realised were splattered with blood.

It took him a moment to collect his thoughts, looking around the room and seeing Arthur still on the floor. He made a step towards him, an instinctual desire to help his brother but quickly stopped himself as soon as he remembered Pol's question.

"Her ribs.. and the cuts." He answered numbly, staring back down at his hands. "I should get Ada-"

"Leave Ada out of it and go back there yourself. God knows she's got enough on her plate without your bloody mess." Tommy finally spoke, earning a side eye from John who's tone immediately soured again.

"You sold Alice out to get fucking ravaged by those sadistic pricks!" His shout brought a heavy silence to the room, even Arthur's groans stopping. "And you told her she'd be fine."

Everyone in the room felt a guilty pang in their guts at those words, John's pain so palpable it was no longer something even a brother could mock. Tommy didn't know what to say in response, there was no justification that wouldn't just further anger John. And so he pursed his lips and said nothing, resuming his previous cold face.

It wouldn't have to last much longer anyway as John was heading towards the door, spitting on the ground before scoffing "You're lucky, you'd be fucking dead if I'd found her a minute later" and promptly exiting, his miserable pace out considerably slower than his determined march in.

Everyone waited to hear the front door slam before moving, Pol marching across the room and landing a firm slap on Tommy's bloody cheek as Arthur hoisted himself up with a grunt.

"You happy with yourself?" She tutted and then turned to Arthur "Both of you need to sort your bloody acts out."

~~~~~

Knowing the Shelby's reputation very well, the nurses attempted to give Alice the best care they could. It was just a few stitches and some ribs that needed to be set - the care didn't need to be amazing. But her vacant expression, hollow voice and visibly self inflicted scars made them mostly quite uncomfortable, leaving just one nurse in charge.

"If she were a woman off the streets she would surely be moved to facility more suited to her needs; a nuthouse of sorts. But because she's with that awful gang, that's not allowed. She's my responsibility instead." The nurse thought bitterly.

She stayed sat a few feet away from the bed, keeping her watch on the tangled hair and tired eyes; doing anything to avoid her tattered arms. The nurse didn't know why it made her so uncomfortable but it did. There was something so unnatural about it, so unnerving. And so instead of continuing her awkward attempt at conversation with the sunken down woman, she handed her a small bottle, the glass thick and brown.

Alice shot a confused look to the nurse, knowing the contents of said bottle were quite unnecessary for her current predicament.

"I don't need this." She spoke lowly, earning a hidden eye roll from the nurse before she replied "It's for the pain."

"Yeah I know, I'm not hurting too bad-"

"I meant up here." The nurse pointed to her own head. "Shuts my thoughts right up."

Despite the passive aggressive nature of the nurse's offer, something that Alice would usually call out, she was too tired to voice a response. And she actually quite liked the idea of her thoughts shutting up. Morphine wasn't too dissimilar to the opium that Jones had fed her - something to make her stop fighting back - and although that specific idea made her feel sick, the sweet numbness seemed heavenly.

The syrup was soon dripping down her throat before the bottle made its way into her pocket, something the nurse couldn't even be bothered to argue with. "She clearly needs it." She mentally justified to herself.

It didn't take long after that for the effects to kick in, Alice's body melting into the bed and her brain going numb. There was no longer such an intense shooting pain whenever she moved and the previously shouting voices in her head mellowed out into calm whispers. A sigh of relief left the nurse's lips upon seeing a slight smile finally form upon Alice's, even if it was twitching and tiny.

The mental quiet was so relaxing, a desperately needed reprieve that Alice bathed in for a while. The opium has never been that relaxing, accompanied by the abuse, but by itself Alice could really see the appeal. She lay, blissed out for some time, until the sound of heavy footsteps pacing through the tiled corridor caught her ears.

She opened her eyes and John appeared in the doorway a second later, his body immediately un-tensing slightly upon seeing Alice awake and seemingly okay. The nurse promptly excused herself, completely ignored by him.

Now that they were alone with so many things to discuss, his pace slowed and the lump in his throat started to build again. Every step closer to the bed his brain became more desperate for something to say. Scrambling but unable to choose. There were a ridiculous number of topics to pick from and yet none of them seemed right.

Hurting his brother hadn't made him feel any better, in fact it made him feel worse; even angrier at Tommy than before - and he definitely didn't want to talk about that, let alone let slip the cruel words said about her. There was also the conversation of what to do next - get married soon or don't - and that didn't seem appropriate given the current mood nor did John even want to risk hearing rejection in his current mind state. And then there was the uncomfortable "How are you?" when the answer was glaringly obvious - that would just be stupid to ask.

It was too late now, he awkwardly stood at the end of the bed and still couldn't think of what to say. All air left his lungs and a heavy silence filled the room. What could he do now?

"It's okay. Come here." Alice's soft voice thankfully broke the silence, sounding like an angel choir to John.

Despite her hazey head, not only were his physical injuries visible but so were his emotional. Eyes a dizzying array of sadness, guilt and anger. Brows tightly furrowed. Lips pulled harsh into a falsely apathetic line. A moment passed before he let it up, finally releasing a heavy sigh and pulling a chair to sit beside her.

She held out her hand and he immediately gripped it, holding his head to her cold fingers for a few seconds before looking up again, her face always managing to make him feel extraordinary - bruised or not.

"You alright?" She gently cooed again, moving that hand to stroke his face which was now just as marked as hers.

Her touch made him feel even more strange, a trail of sparks left behind on his body by her beautiful, soft skin.

"How does she do this to me?" He thought as her hand started to feel like a cradle, almost comforting enough to lull him to sleep. Almost. His gut still felt knotted and a lump still danced in his throat.

"It's okay, we don't have to talk." Alice remained soft and calm, her light mood being aided significantly by the morphine. Only an hour beforehand she was certain that she'd ruined everything; her thoughts festering and screaming that John would never want her again, she'd be disowned by the Shelby's, everything had been ruined by her inability to say no to danger. Now those worries no longer bothered her. Instead she was just content with John's presence, comforting him instead of needing it herself.

"For once." A nagging thought attempted to pull her from the comfortable numbness but it was quickly squashed as he finally spoke, his mouth open for a second before he managed to get the words out.

"I want to talk." He stammered, swallowing again before continuing in a tone closer to his usual confidence.

"I want to talk, I just don't know where to start... I'm so bloody angry at you for even putting yourself in danger. You're a magnet for it and the worst fucking part is that you like it. You like the blood. You're sick, Alice." He took a sharp inhale, Alice's hands slowly falling from his face as each painfully honest word landed; the cloud she was on suddenly sinking.

"But I fucking love you." Now his voice quietened and his hand quickly made its way to her still face, rubbing her cheek softly as she had to him. "You're the dream that kept me going somedays in the trenches. And now I've got you, it feels like everything in the world is trying to take you away from me. Yourself included."

His words were slowly sinking in; heavy and hot like tar. It took Alice some time to think of an adequate response, her heart feeling simultaneously overjoyed and broken by the admittance, and just as she was about to mumble a slew of apologies, John spoke again, eyes boring into hers.

"They've given you something, haven't they? I should've waited to talk about this." A humourless chuckle left his lips, not even giving Alice time to respond before pulling his hand away and standing up, the chair legs making an ugly scraping noise that sounded ten times louder than usual combined with the sudden withdrawal of his touch. "I'll go find a nurse and sign you out-"

"W-wait!" She blurted out, anxiety now managing to creep it's way back up her spine. John's stare did nothing to alleviate that anxiety, but she knew she had to push through the fog and say the right thing - something intelligible at least.

"Can we continue.. from yesterday, yesterday morning I mean.. I'll make us breakfast, we can dance and everything will be good... I love you."

The heavy weight anchoring his lips down finally seemed to have been lifted, a smile that met his eyes lighting up his pale face. There was nothing he wanted more than to continue from yesterday morning and act as if none of this had happened.

"You're on bedrest, Alice. I'll make breakfast." He said with a playful scoff.

And just like that, the comfortable adoration had returned at least partially. Rocks removed from stomachs and lumps from throats, Alice sunk back down into the bed with a relieved sigh as her body relaxed again whilst John headed to find a nurse.

Looks of judgement were passed between patients and staff when he speedily wheeled her down the hall, the pair giggling loudly and the occasional gasp escaping Alice's lips at the every sharp turn. The dried blood and dark bruises heavily juxtaposed by their visible joy; as per leaving the nurses with more questions than answers when it came to the Shelby's.

Less than an hour later, the pair were laid back in John's bed and instead of laughter the room was silent. Contently silent. Their fingers were intertwined and their eyes glued to each others faces, taking in each minute detail with deep satisfaction.

The undivided attention was an intense aphrodisiac for the both of them, an unspoken wish that this moment could last forever. It was like a spell neither could explain, no words even needing to be spoke. After a while, John started to drift into sleep but not before Alice mumbled a quiet "I love you" and promptly dropped into a deep sleep moments after.

[traumadumpwriter]

I have multiple fics up on my Wattpad but the main one I’m writing rn is a John Shelby one. They’re all v angsty and have themes of self harm, assault, mental illness and drug use. The @ is slowlychanging

[showmeyoursoulplease]

Yay Vegetarianism!

My roommates are buying some vegetarian food.. just because I'm  vegetarian. I never said anything to anyone! Its great!