#sj fic

[skijumpingf1]

The End (D.Prevc X D.Tande)

This was my way of coping with Daniels retirement. So this oneshot is about the whole situation around the retirement (Domiel´s version). I was on a field trip from uni these past weeks so had to write this on my phone, and it is probably not as good because I hate to write on my phone. But I had like an urge to do this. So enjoy! This is set in my interconnected oneshot series (last part is here) and it is from Domens perspective just to let you know.

Wordcount: 3984

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I am a bit nervous as I stand in the arrival hall at the airport in Ljubljana. Daniel was just training over in Norway and seeing his family. Judging by his mood over the phone at least one of those didn��t go so well. He seemed a bit stressed, but he wouldn’t tell me why. Maybe he hasn’t figured it out yet. I hope it has nothing to do with the fact that he officially moved to Slovenia a few months ago. He seemed happy with it but maybe he got homesick.

After planica it was pretty clear that Daniel would move and not me. Still, I gave it a bit of thought and he spoke to his family. His mom was hesitant, but she loves us together (and me too) and she knew that we were ready for the next step. Our national teams were pretty open about it too. So, we went apartment hunting in the area of the airport. The commute from our home to the airport shouldn’t be high when he would fly that much. To be honest, the first few weeks were a bit like heaven and hell at the same time. Heaven in the way that we could finally spent as much time together as we want. Hell because we went public at the same time and we may have underestimated the attention we would get. Especially here.

We were recognized almost every time we went outside. That lead to us not going anywhere which wasn’t good for Daniels acclimatization here in Slovenia. Eventually the attention got less and less, and we could move on.

Now that Daniel lives with me, it is my regular duty to collect him at the airport. I still love seeing him again. But today I am not just thrilled that my boyfriend is back.

His flight has landed about fifteen minutes ago and customs and stuff is always quick here so he should be out any minute. The door between the secluded area and the world outside opens and a few people in suits step out. I peak behind them. Daniel is coming out next. Automatically I form a smile at him. I spot him first and I get a moment of just looking at him when he doesn’t feel seen. He looks worried. Or stressed. Maybe unsure even. I swallow hard. So, it wasn’t my imagination that something was up. Then he notices me and his face lights up. His steps are getting faster and then he is back with me. I open my arms and pull him into a tight hug. “I missed you so much.”, I greet him.

“I have been gone for just six days.” “Yes, and? I still missed you.” The apartment was painful quiet without him. I even went to my parent’s house for a night. Officially to hang out with my sisters but I was there because I couldn’t stand the emptiness.

“I missed you too.” He presses a small kiss to my lips and takes my hand. I grab his suitcase but not without him complaining that he could do it himself. On the drive back home, he updates me on his family who are planning on visiting in a few months. This makes me think that something on the ski jumping side is up. Which is kinda scary. His from isn’t the best right now but he never acted this down. Something must have happened. Did he fall again and not told me? Or the team? After last season the whole dynamic changed. It wouldn’t surprise me if there would be still tensions inside team Norway after that.

“What’s up?”, I ask when I put a glass of wine in front of his face. We reheated the Lasagne that I made this morning for us (Yes, I actually can do a proper lasagne.) Now he is already sitting down waiting for me to do the same. “Nothing is up. Should be something up?” I take a sip from my glass and sit down. “I don’t know. Tell me.” He frowns a bit. His beautiful face is making a grimace. “I hope it is nothing major, so I didn’t want to tell you. You know the rule. I don’t know if I am really serious yet.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Oh god. He is thinking about retirement. That’s out rule. No talk about retiring if you are not serious.

I know him. The way he acts, the way he talked. He really thinks about it. “But you are serious considering it, aren’t you?” “I mean, it crossed my mind a few times. Especially this past week.” He doesn’t look at me. Daniel studies the tablecloth. I reach over the table and take his hand. “It is okay, Daniel. If you are considering it, talk it through with me.”  He finally looks up and I can spot a few tears in his eyes. I squeeze his hand tighter. “I know how hard Peros retirement was for you. I don’t want to burden you with another potential hard hit.” “You know the worst part was that he didn’t spoke to me, right? So, talk to me. Why are you considering it?” I can’t believe we are actually having this conversation now. In a few years for sure but it is so soon. Obviously, I would respect his decision either way, but I would miss him greatly in world cup.

“After Planica I hoped that every time, I would jump the fear would be getting less overwhelming and at the beginning it was like that. I don’t know what changed but now it feels like the opposite. Every time I am at the gate the fear is getting stronger and stronger again. Maybe it has to do with my bad form and that I am not trusting myself a hundred percent. Maybe it is me getting older.” Gosh sometimes I hate him. Why doesn’t he tell me stuff like this? It must be overwhelming to fear the thing he loves. Conflicting and hurtful. I know how much he loves it. I have seen it first hand. It is a passion we share. I couldn’t even imagine how hard it is to start losing it.

Daniel takes a sip from his wine. The Lasagne is long forgotten. “Do you think it could change again when you get into shape?” He raises his shoulders and sighs. “That’s what I am trying to find out.” I run my hand through my hair. That is a lot to be honest. “Ok.  If you want to talk it through, let me know. And I mean it. If you can’t sleep because of it wake me up.” He raises an eyebrow and puts a hand on my cheek. “I will try but I know that topic is hard for you too.” “Obviously I want you to continue with ski jumping. It means that we can spent so much more time together. Especially since it would be the first season since we are out. But if you just torture yourself with it, let it be. I can understand it. Ultimately ski jumping should bring you more joy than fear.”

Ziga stares worriedly at me when lift my weights. There is really no reason for it. I am doing everything like I do usually. Same weight, same posture. “What?”, I ask my teammate as soon as I set the weights down. “You just look emotional. That is rare.” “Very rare.”, adds Lovro who just finished his rotation on the weights too. I sigh and let myself sit down at the bench. “A lot on my mind recently.”, is my vague answer to the unasked question. “Care to elaborate?” I actually would but it is not my thing to share. So, I couldn’t. Also, it wasn’t like Daniel made up his mind in the last two days. Even though I think I know in which direction he will decide. Subconsciously he knows he can’t continue. But he needs to figure it out himself.

“Nope. I don’t want to elaborate.” “Ah, it is Daniel. Do you want to propose? I mean I think you guys are endgame, but you just moved in together. Maybe wait at least half a year.”, Timi chimes in. My eyes widen. Proposing and marriage can wait a few more years. Until we are comfortable living together. “No, I am not proposing. It just complicated stuff. Stuff that I can’t really talk about now.”  My teammates look not sacrificed but that is not my problem. “Don’t you think Daniel would be okay with you talking about it with your friends? I mean he knows how teams work. He probably talks about you with his teammates as well.” Normally I would agree but this is a sensitive topic. Daniel isn’t sure yet. And I don’t want him to get pressure from the guys since he trains with us quite often. “Maybe I just don’t want to talk about it with you guys.” I wink at them and stand back up. Lovro rolls his eyes. “Idiot.”

When I come home a few hours later. Another car is parked in front of the house. A car that I am pretty familiar with. What is Peter doing here? Did I forget that we were supposed to babysat today? Normally Peter would remind me twice before he brings his kids to our home. Slowly I enter the airy apartment that always reminds me of Daniels flat in Oslo. “I know it is a hard decision, but I don’t think it is a decision anymore.”, I hear my brother speaking. Oh. Seems like Danny invited my brother to talk about his potential retirement. Judging by Peros last sentence he also thinks that Daniel already made up his mind.

“I am home.”, I call out loudly to make my presence know. It was only fair, and I don’t want to spy on boyfriend. I take off my jacket while I hear rumbling in the living room. Seconds later Daniel is standing in the small hallway. A half smile on his lips. He is wearing jeans. Probably because Peter is over. Normally he prefers sweats at home. Or just boxers, my favourite choice. He closes the distance between us and puts an arm around my torso to pull me in. “Hei.”, he whispers. We are so close that I can feel his breath on my lips. I lean in and kiss him softly. As soon as I wrap my arms around him, I can hear a mumbled noise. Peter. I almost forgot he is here too. Reluctant, I let go of my boyfriend.

“Hello Peter.” My brother is standing in the doorway and has a smile on his lips. He is always so weird about Danny and me. He still looks so ... proud, I guess. As if he still couldn’t believe it. “I don’t want to annoy you guys any longer. Daniel if you want to talk again, I am free most of the time.” Peter pats me on the shoulder when he passes us on the way to wardrobe. “Or you could stay for dinner. If Mina doesn’t mind of course. Daniel made Kjøttboller.” Both of them look at me in surprise. It was not typical for me at all to spend more time with Peter than I needed. Especially outside of our childhood home. Mum hosts a Dinner once a week since I moved out. Whenever we could, Tuesdays were spent there. Recently I used this to speak with Peter more. It is weird but I miss him around. Apart from the dinner I only see him at hand overs for babysitting.

“If it wouldn’t burden you, I would love to try whatever Daniel made.”, Peter replies. “Don’t expect too much. There just meatballs.”, says Daniel and than he presses as short kiss to my lips.

“Do you have time to fly to Norway soon?” We are both not sleeping that night. He didn’t tell me that he is going to retire yet. But I know he knows that I know. If that makes sense. Daniel probably hasn’t said it out loud yet. Not even to himself. Saying something makes something more official. It is like when you say I love you for the first time. It is a big step that can’t be taken back. Nevertheless, the unspoken words are hanging between us. Both too restless to sleep because of it.

“I am going to Wisla. But I could fly to Norway before or after that.”, I answer his question. His hand is running over my chest. It is dark so I can’t really see him, but I think he is sitting a bit up. “I need you there when I tell people. Without you I can’t do it.” “Of course. Tell me when to book flights and I will do the rest.” I swallow hard. Just don’t start to cry, Domen. Daniel is now living here. I will see him more often now since he doesn’t need to go back to Norway that often. And Danny will probably come to a few competitions at least. I close my eyes. “I am proud of you.”, I say and try to hide my trembling voice. “Don’t you think it is cowardly to just give up? To just retire?” There it is. Retire. Fully officially spoken. I turn to my side to face him. I trace his hand on my chest and take it into my hand. “I think it is brave that you know when to stop and to leave the world you have known forever.” It is quiet on the other side of the bed for a few moments. “Thanks, I needed to hear this.” “I love you, Daniel. Of course, I know what you need and now you need a big cuddle session.” As I speak, I wrap my arms around him and pull him into my side. “I love you too.”

The whole flight to Oslo, Daniel squeezed my hand so bad that I almost asked him if he changed his mind. But the look of relief on his face when he realized that he wouldn’t need to jump this time he was back in Norway, made me realize that he was just scared. Scared of what his family and team will say.

The first stop of our list is his family. Trude Tande breaks out in tears as soon as her son announces his retirement. Tears of relief, I should add. Daniel told me once that she always is nervous watching him jump but after Planica it got worse. After we left his family home, we get to his trainer. The only time Daniel said it makes more sense to be alone when he tells someone. So, I wait in the car. He is already in there for half an hour. I don’t know if it’s long or short for this kind off conversation. I never had one myself and I never occurred to me to ask my brothers about their talks with our coaches. I run my hand through my hair while I text Nika to ask how she has been doing. Our schedules didn’t really align the past couple of weeks, so I just saw her once. I would probably have to wait a few hours for a reply since she is in the gym right now.

I look at the watch in the car. Now it has been 40 minutes. At what point should I go in and storm into the office? An hour? Just as I open the car door, Daniel comes out of the building. His eyes puffy and cheeks red. I slam the car door behind me and take a step towards him. He wraps his arms immediately around me when I reach him and buries his face in my neck. “Everything will be alright.”, I say because I don’t know what else to say. Daniel is clinging onto me, and I brush lightly over his back. “It was just so hard seeing the petty look on his face.”

We stand there for a while. I don’t know for how long exactly. At some point his cries get less and less. “Are you okay getting in the car?”, I ask him. He nods quietly and I let him go but without really letting him go. I still hold his hand until he is sitting in the passenger seat. Before I close the door, I give him a small kiss. I take a deep breath outside the car. It hurts so much seeing him like this. We both know it is the right decision, but ski jumping was such a big part in his life. Of course it hurts.

“Should I call the guys and cancel?”, I speak when we finally reached Daniels flat. He invited his teammates and a few old friends to his apartment in Oslo, which he kept until now. It is time to tell them about the retirement as well but after the conversation with his trainer I don’t know if it is the right thing to do today. Some of his teammates are on the way to Wisla as well and booked their flights over Oslo to be here. But I am sure they would understand if he would cancel. “No. I think I have to do this today and I want them to know.” While I nod, I wrap my arms around his torso. He is too restless to sit down, but I trap him near the couch where I sit. He puts his hands over mine and breaths in. Finally, the nervous energy leaves. “Do you want a shot maybe? Or a glass of wine? Beer?” My boyfriend turns inside my arms until he faces me. I open my legs for him and invite him to take a step closer to me. He runs a hand through my hair. “I have a better idea to get the energy out.”, he smirks. “You know the guys are coming in an hour, right? And we need to do the food.” I know logically that it isn’t a good idea, but I let my hand run down his spine until I reach his ass. “Strong words for someone who is practically forcing me onto his lap.” “Force of habit.”, I reply while I put more force in to get him on top of me. He chuckles. “We make it quick.”

 Daniel looks so much relaxed when the doorbell rings. While I put the last mini pizzas in the oven, he opens the door. Andres Fannemel is the first to arrive. He is already retired and not much around in the ski jumping community at the moment. I probably haven’t seen him in at least two years. But Daniel and him kept close contact. “If you want something to drink, Domen is in the kitchen and will get you something. I just put some music on.”, speaks Daniel and the hallway.

I can hear the steps of the Norwegian and swiftly put the last utensils in the cupboard. “Domen.”, nods Anders when he enters the kitchen. “Hey Anders. How is it going?” The retired ski jumper shrugs. I don’t think he is particularly fond of me. Maybe he thinks it was my fault that we took so long to make our relationship public or maybe he just doesn’t like me. But it has gotten better of the years. “Good actually. How are things with you?” “Still trying to figure my form out. Apart from that everything is relatively fine.” Apart from the fact that all my close people in world cup chose to retire. First Cene, then Mac (who just took a break but somehow hasn’t been back), of course Peter and now Daniel. “Are you coping without Peter in training?” “It has been harder than I thought but it is okay. I am a bit closer to my other teammates now.” I take a glass out and give it to Anders. He looks suspicious at it. “Behind you are the drinks.” “And how are you coping with this?” He pours himself a coke into the glass and leans against the table. “With what?”, I reply hesitantly. A smirk is building on Anders face. “It is kind of obvious. Never have I ever seen that Daniel hosts a team dinner and the way he spoke about ski jumping the last few weeks. You forgot that I am already retired. I know what leads to this decision. So, how are you coping with Daniels retirement?”  

Daniel pops into the kitchen. “Rob just texted that he and the others are almost there. The flight from Trondheim was delayed.” Just as he speaks the doorbell rings, and he is out of the door again. Anders still looks awaiting at me. “For him it is the best decision, and I am happy for him. Personally, I would want him to continue but not under those circumstances. Luckily, we live together now. Without that I would be way more stressed about this.”

Daniels flat is packed with ski jumpers and ex ski jumpers. I get a few surprised glances when Dannys teammates realize that I am also here. It is uncommon that I would join a team get together from team Norway. I mean I have done it from time to time but not regularly. But this one is a Daniels place, so I don’t think it is too strange. But it raises suspicions. Robert takes one look at Daniel when he arrives, and I know that he could tell like Anders. It is the way his gaze softens when he picks up on the energy of Daniel and me.

“So, Daniel, why are we here? What’s up?”, says Marius once everyone is settled in with drinks. My gaze shoots up my boyfriend who is already looking at me. I give him a warm smile and lean a bit against him. Again, I am sitting on the couch, and he is standing. This is our thing now apparently. He sets his hand on my shoulder and holds himself steady. Daniel looks up at his friends. I do the same. Some look worried, some look curios. Anders looks proud. “Ehm, I invited you guys over to officially tell you that I am retiring.” I can feel the way he tenses through his hand on my shoulder. I lay my hand on top his and wait on the reaction of his teammates. Robert is the first to speak. “Daniel it was a pleasure.”, he stands up and gives my boyfriend a hug. “I don’t know what to say. My god, Danny.”, Halvor follows. A few seconds later Daniel is surrounded by his teammates in a big group hug.

Next day is the day of the official public announcement. The team thought it would be fitting to shoot the video at the holmenkollen hill. I must agree that the location is perfect. It still is the last place where Daniel won. I am standing behind the camera and watch my boyfriend prepare. The whole night he was up to find words. “Okay Daniel. When ever you are ready.” And then he begins. He is more pulled together than I thought. A proud smile appears on my face. When our gazes meet, he nods barely visible. “I have given this decision a lot of thought. There is a mental barrier that remains after my fall in Planica, the fear has grown bigger than the joy of jumping.” I smirk when I hear a version of my words from when he told me.

When he is done, he takes a few steps in the direction of the hill. I follow him. Daniel looks up the hill with a smile laugh. “I can’t believe this is it. This is really the end.”

[sketchyorsomething]

Okay so I have a bit of a problem:

As I already mentioned I'm writing a lellinger fic. It already is quite heavy on the hurt/comfort given the current situation if Andi being just meh and Stephan as well (it takes place before he was taken out of the team). I feel like it's not quite finished and I've got a pretty good state from which I can continue writing it. So I did, but it suddenly got a lot sadder again and even more focused on the hurt/comfort. I'm personally not the biggest fan of the trope because it always makes me super sad, so I'd personally rewrite it (just the ending, not the entire thing) and try to turn it around and concentrate more on including a little domestic fluff. But honestly I'm not sure about that both directions seem a little too much, too dramatic/too extreme of a mood change. So I'm asking you

Thank you for your decisiveness lol

[wie-sagt-man-noch]

Adore You - Lellingerfic

Stephan hat Geburstag und wenn das kein Grund ist, einen Lellingershot zu posten, weiß ich auch nicht.

(Es ist ungelogen 4 Jahre her, seit ich die beiden das letzte Mal geschrieben habe sob)

Von Stephan umarmt zu werden, ihn dicht an sich zu spüren, ist mit nichts auf der Welt vergleichbar. Andreas hat schon unzählige Menschen berührt, platonisch und weit darüber hinaus, aber bei niemandem fühlt er sich so gelöst und angekommen wie bei Stephan. Oder: Wer adored hier eigentlich wen? (FF) (ao3)

Die Tür des Hotelzimmers fällt mit einem leisen Klicken hinter Andreas ins Schloss. Er atmet tief ein und hat seine Augen geschlossen, während er sich mit hinter dem Rücken verschränkten Armen an die Türe lehnt. Der ganze Trubel, der gerade noch um ihn herum geherrscht hat, ist verstummt. Stattdessen nimmt ihn eine wohlige Stille in Empfang. Die vielen Fragen der Reporter, die am Ende doch die immergleichen waren, 4,8 Punkte Rückstand vor dem letzten Springen, beunruhigt Sie das? Spüren Sie den Druck, nachdem Sie auf Platz 2 in der Gesamtwertung gerutscht sind, nun deutlicher? hallen nur noch leise in seinem Kopf nach. Andreas atmet noch einmal tief ein und langsam wieder aus, dann öffnet er seine Augen und sieht, dass das Nachtlicht im Schlafbereich angeschaltet ist. Schnell schlüpft er aus seinen Schuhen und lässt seine Jacke achtlos auf den Boden fallen, auch wenn er weiß, dass Stephan später seine Augen verdrehen wird, wenn er das Chaos sieht. In wenigen Schritten ist er im Hauptbereich ihres Hotelzimmers angelangt, wo sein Zimmerpartner mit einem Buch in der Hand in ihrem gemeinsamen Bett liegt. Der Anblick von Stephan, wie er in einem – seinem – ausgewaschenen Shirt und einer schwarzen Jogginghose mit dem Rücken an der Wand lehnt und die Beine entspannt übereinander geschlagen hat, sorgt dafür, dass Andreas' Herz unbeholfen und voller Zuneigung in seiner Brust stolpert.

„Hey“, grüßt Stephan ihn, während er sein Buch zur Seite legt und ihn mit einem warmen Lächeln, was seine Grübchen zum Vorschein bringt, willkommen heißt. Anstatt zu antworten, überbrückt Andreas den Abstand zwischen ihnen, lässt sich neben ihn sinken und umarmt ihn kurzerhand. Die Position ist nicht ideal, aber das stört ihn nicht. Sein Kopf ruht zwischen Stephans Halsbeuge und Brust und wenn er sich etwas streckt, berührt seine Nasenspitze Stephans Hals, während er seinen rechten Arm so gut es geht um den warmen Körper seines Freundes geschlungen hat. Stephans Brust vibriert, als dieser leise lacht und seinen freien Arm ebenso um ihn legt. Fest und warm spürt er die Hand seines Freundes auf seinem Rücken und kann das zufriedene Brummen nicht zurückhalten, während er seine Augen abermals schließt.

„Rutsch mal n' bisschen rüber“, sagt Stephan ruhig, aber bestimmt, während er versucht, seinen rechten Arm unter Andreas hervorzuziehen. Andreas nimmt das zum Anlass, sich noch weiter auf ihn zu schieben, sodass er letztlich komplett auf ihm liegt.

Es ist kein Geheimnis, dass ihm Körperkontakt wichtig ist – dass er ihn aber regelrecht braucht, um sich nach einem anstrengenden Wettkampftag zu sammeln, überrascht ihn selbst immer wieder. Immer, wenn alles um ihn herum laut wird, er im Mittelpunkt des Geschehens steht und ein Interview nach dem anderen gibt, ertappt er sich dabei, wie in ihm die Sehnsucht nach einem Ruhepol aufkommt. Nach jemandem, der ihn im Hier und Jetzt hält, auf den er seinen ganzen Fokus richten kann. Dass er in Stephan eine Person gefunden hat, die genau das für ihn ist, lässt sein Herz noch immer höher schlagen. Von Stephan umarmt zu werden, ihn dicht an sich zu spüren, ist mit nichts auf der Welt vergleichbar. Andreas hat schon unzählige Menschen berührt, platonisch und weit darüber hinaus, aber bei niemandem fühlt er sich so gelöst und angekommen wie bei Stephan.

Der hat inzwischen seine frei gewordene Hand in Andreas' Haaren vergraben und massiert mit den Fingerspitzen sacht seinen Kopf. Mit jeder Bewegung spürt Andreas, wie die Anspannung des Tages Stück für Stück von ihm abfällt. Er selbst festigt den Griff um seinen Freund und konzentriert sich voll und ganz auf das wohlige Gefühl, das sich in ihm ausbreitet.

Andreas hat jegliches Zeitgefühl verloren, als er schließlich langsam blinzelnd seine Augen öffnet, den Kopf hebt und aufsieht. Stephans Blick ist noch immer unglaublich warm. Seine dunklen Augen beobachten ihn aufmerksam, während sich feine Fältchen um diese herum gebildet haben. Die Muttermale auf seiner Wange tanzen, als sich ein liebevolles Lächeln auf seine Lippen legt und sich eine feine Röte auf seinem Gesicht ausbreitet. Auch nach so langer Zeit wirkt er noch immer ungläubig und etwas peinlich berührt, wenn Andreas seinen Blick nicht von ihm abwenden kann.

„Hey“, murmelt Andreas schließlich und räuspert sich, weil seine Stimme rauer klingt, als sie es sein sollte. Er schiebt sich etwas nach oben und drückt Stephan einen federleichten Kuss auf den Mundwinkel.

Stephans Blick ruht interessiert auf ihm, „alles okay?“

Andreas hält inne und hört in sich hinein – aber außer Entspannung und Ruhe ist da nichts mehr. Keine Stimmen, kein Trubel. Er nickt schließlich. „Ja“, lautet die schlichte Antwort. Stephans Mundwinkel zucken leicht. Andreas weiß, dass dieser jetzt am liebsten noch einmal nachhaken würde, sich das aber verkneift. Deswegen schiebt er ein „wirklich, ich fühl' mich gut“ hinterher und rutscht schließlich von Stephan hinunter, bis er dicht neben ihm sitzt. Seine Hand hat die seines Freundes dabei fest umschlossen, während Andreas ihn vorsichtig anlächelt.

„Ohne dich wär's heute zu viel gewesen“, gibt er schließlich zu, „deswegen danke, dass du da bist. Das alles geht nur, weil du da bist.“ Seine Stimme ist fest und er weiß, dass es kitschig klingt, aber letztlich ist es nur eine Feststellung. Andreas weiß, wie es sich anfühlt, wenn Stephan nicht an seiner Seite ist. Deswegen ist er umso dankbarer, jetzt hier mit ihm und vor allem bei ihm zu sein. „Ich will das", setzt er nach, weil es die Wahrheit ist. Er will den Trubel, die Aufmerksamkeit, die Siege und die knappen Niederlagen und vor allem will er diese Vierschanzentournee gewinnen. Er will alles, auch wenn ihn das manchmal an seine Grenzen bringt.

Stephan mustert ihn eindringlich und schnaubt kurz auf. „Andi - es ist okay, wenn nicht alles in Ordnung ist, das weißt du?“ Andreas nickt nur stumm und etwas hilflos, während er bemerkt, wie unter dem intensiven Blick die Hitze in seinem Gesicht aufsteigt.

„Du packst das. Schließlich bist du dafür geboren“, zitiert Stephan sich selbst und schmunzelt dabei. „Das Interview hab' ich vorhin gesehen, gut zu wissen, dass ich bewundert werde“, steigt Andreas sofort mit ein und stupst sein Gegenüber spielerisch mit der Schulter an. Stephan zuckt daraufhin nur mit den Schultern und versucht, ernst zu bleiben. „Hätte schlecht was anderes sagen können.“ In seinen Augen blitzt der Schalk, während er seine Hand aus Andreas' Umklammerung löst und schließlich seine Arme vor der Brust verschränkt. Seine Mundwinkel zittern verräterisch und es dauert nicht lange, bis er das Lachen nicht länger zurückhalten kann. Andreas kann nicht anders, als mit einzustimmen. Hell und befreit bricht es aus ihm heraus und er kommt nicht umhin zu denken, dass Stefan wirklich das Beste ist, was ihm jemals passiert ist.

Es dauert eine Weile, bis aus dem Lachen ein Glucksen wird, beide schließlich verstummen und sich angrinsen. Von der vorherigen Anspannung ist nichts mehr übrig und Andreas spürt, wie sich eine tiefe Dankbarkeit in ihm ausbreitet. Mit Stephan kann er alles sein, egal ob ernst oder albern. Er muss sich weder für seine überschüssige Energie noch für die Melancholie, die sich nach solchen Tagen über ihn legt, entschuldigen oder erklären. Selbst die Stille, die sich nun zwischen sie gelegt hat, fühlt sich nach Geborgenheit an.

Stephan räuspert sich schließlich und nickt in Richtung Bad, „hab vorhin übrigens die Dusche für dich vorbereitet – dein Lieblingshandtuch und das Entspannungsduschgel liegen bereit.“

Zum wiederholten Mal an diesem Abend setzt Andreas' Herz einen Schlag aus.

„Ich liebe dich.“

Ohne eine Antwort abzuwarten, greift er wieder nach Stephans Hand und drückt einen sanften Kuss auf dessen Handgelenk, genau dort, wo der Puls schlägt. Dann lässt er ihre Hände in seinen Schoss sinken, während Stephan ihn mit leicht geöffneten Lippen und einem Funkeln in den Augen ansieht.

„Kommst du mit ins Bad?“, durchbricht Andreas das Schweigen rasch, während er Stephans Hand leicht drückt. Erwartungsvoll blickt er seinen Freund an, den Kopf hat er dabei etwas schief gelegt.

„Du spielst unfair“, antwortet Stephan nach kurzer Zeit mit belegter Stimme, während Andreas seine Unterlippe leicht nach vorne schiebt, was sein Gegenüber wie erwartet grinsen und schließlich nicken lässt.

Enthusiastisch und etwas ungeschickt steigt Andreas aus dem Bett und zieht einen überrumpelten Stephan dabei mit sich, sodass dieser gegen ihn stolpert. Reflexartig schließt Andreas seine Arme um den anderen, um sie beide zu stabilisieren. Stephans Hände liegen fest und schwer auf seiner Hüfte, während sie so dicht voreinander stehen, dass Andreas Stephans warmen Atem spürt.

Sein Blick huscht über das ihm so bekannte Gesicht und Andreas verliert sich einmal mehr in dem Gedanken, wie schön sein Freund tatsächlich ist. Als Stephan sich etwas von ihm wegdrückt, festigt Andreas seinen Griff instinktiv, nicht bereit, die Nähe zwischen ihnen aufzugeben. Stephan scheint das gar nicht zu bemerken, stattdessen sieht er ihm voller Zuneigung in die Augen, dann streckt er sich etwas und verschließt ihre Lippen zu einem sanften Kuss miteinander.

„Ich liebe dich auch“, murmelt er gegen Andreas' Lippen.

Die Endorphine jagen durch seine Adern, das Glück breitet sich schwallartig in jeder Faser seines Körpers aus, bis da nichts mehr außer Stephan ist. Stephan, dessen Herzschlag er an seiner eigenen Brust spürt, stark und gleichmäßig und unglaublich vertraut. Stephans Hände, die inzwischen langsam, beinahe suchend über seinen Rücken wandern und unter denen er sich so sicher wie nirgends sonst fühlt. Stephan, der ihn immer noch behutsam küsst und dabei leise aufseufzt. Alles fühlt sich unfassbar intim an und Andreas spürt das Verlangen nach mehr, näher, intensiver in sich aufsteigen. Ehe er dem Drang allerdings nachgeben kann, hat Stephan ihren Kuss gelöst und schiebt ihn stattdessen bestimmt in das angrenzende Badezimmer. Wie so oft scheint er zu wissen, was Andreas fühlt, was er braucht, ohne dass sie ein Wort darüber verlieren müssen.

Zum zweiten Mal an diesem Abend fällt eine Tür mit einem leisen Klicken hinter Andreas ins Schloss und zum zweiten Mal lehnt er mit geschlossenen Augen an dieser. Sein Kopf allerdings ist herrlich leer und alles, was er spürt, ist Stephan.

Jetzt gerade ist wirklich alles mehr als okay.

[milktrician]

(what the. who threw a wife plot device in the middle of a peak lord meeting)

i thought about this bit at the end of the airplane extras the other day. bro why are you looking at your coworkers like that rn

[rikan-oo]

I had trouble finding the right words to describe what exactly I like in SY and SJ until now

So, my favorite Shen dynamics:

Alternatively:

[rhiangalaxy]

Shen Jiu and his plant son Shen Yuan <3 (ft. a bonus of YGY and LGG's very different methods of babysitting)

[ID: A Scum Villain Drawing. Shen Jiu holds Shen Yuan is his arms, staring towards the audience with a slightly scary, unamused expression. In his arms, Shen Yuan, dressed in Qing Jing teals and greens, appearing to be around the ages of four-six with a darker skin tone, a mole on his forehead and a green sprout popping out of his head, is gazing and reaching out amazedly at a demonic butterfly. End ID]

[ID: A Scum Villain Drawing. The top half depicts Yue Qingyuan, cradling a Shen Yuan that is wrapped in blankets and smiling. Then leaning in to give him a forehead kiss. The bottom half depicts Liu Qingge lifting SY by the ankle, much to SY's delight, and then moving him around to the back of himself with a faintly amused expression. End ID]

[10thmusemoon]

Making myself cry thinking about SJ’s disembodied spirit watching the ending scene of SVSSS where SY runs toward Binghe, leaving yqy in the past.

SJ’s eyes widening at the resigned expression YQY is wearing, more vulnerable than it was when he was at death’s door a few days prior. SJ’s head swiveling back to where SY is running past him, words tumbling out of his mouth before he can suppress them.

“Wait! Stop!”

Trying to grasp onto the back of SQQ’s robes, spectral hands phasing through his body. Desperation clawing its way up Shen Jiu’s throat when he turns back to see YQY’s solitary figure.

“Don’t you dare leave him! You can’t—!”

But SQQ can and will happily leave behind YQY for a monster. And Shen Jiu is left grasping at black robes, hands slipping through fabric and flesh, all too aware of how long YQY stared at SQQ’s retreating form until it was just a speck in the sky. Ignorant to the nails trying to dig themselves into any part of him to let YQY know he’s not alone. The fervent whispers of a name long forgotten going unheard. YQY meditates throughout the night, completely unaware of the form curling around him and silently weeping.

[peachhcs]

plz write a cute celebrini x fem reader 🙏🙏 ur writing is beyond amazing

oooh i've never written specifically for mack before so hopefully this isn't bad 😅

after mack’s face injury, his gf is quick to look after him once the game is done

masterlist

she waited impatiently near the doors of the locker room awaiting her boyfriend's arrival. y/n's mind couldn't stop replaying the horror on her features and everyone else's when they saw the blood trickle down macklin's face after a nasty high stick hit. she knew he was okay because he was right back on the ice once the bleeding stopped, but the image wouldn't shake the girl's brain.

lingering after the game felt so long this time around and y/n wondered if it was just because she was anxious about seeing her boyfriend and properly checking up on him. she swiped through twitter and instagram continuously while video replays of the rookie's hit filled her feeds. she just shut her phone off all together for now, not being able to watch the play anymore.

finally, the players began trickling out. y/n's head popped up, searching for the eyes of macklin in the crowd. she spotted him with will near the middle of the pack and he immediately found her gaze. will sensed that they probably wanted to talk, so he split off from the boy once they got closer, giving a small nod to y/n as he passed.

"hey," macklin began, but was caught off guard when y/n jumped into his arms.

"let me see it," she grabbed ahold of his chin, turning his face to the side to examine the new scar.

"it's really not that bad now. they cleared it up really good," the brunette tried reassuring his girlfriend knowing she probably had a hundred thoughts running through her.

"you scared the shit out of me when i saw all that blood. it looked a lot worse," y/n stepped back, arms crossing over her chest.

macklin frowned at the sudden distance between them, "i'm sorry, baby. i promise i'm fine. see?" he gave his best grin hoping to further prove how he was doing.

"well, if i see wilson, i'm gonna punch him myself," y/n huffed, looking around like she would catch the older player lingering somewhere.

macklin laughed, tugging y/n into his side and kissing the side of her head, "you're so cute when you're upset. i promise i'm fine though. i mean you saw me play afterwards."

"yeah you fucking power played. i guess that was your redemption," the two exchanged a laugh and macklin enjoyed finally pulling a smile from her.

"can i come back to your place tonight?" the boy wondered as they moved themselves closer to the exit.

"i thought that was a given already," y/n chuckled.

macklin went to tell will they were leaving before rushing out of the SAP center so he wouldn't have to do any press. most days he didn't mind, but tonight the boy was itching to get out of there and spend some much needed time with his girl. they hadn't seen each other since last weekend—school and hockey keeping them way too busy.

"just so you know, i am gonna baby you the whole night," y/n informed once they were securely in her car.

"mm, i can't wait. a face mask is just calling my name," the hockey player leaned back in the passenger seat, hand falling to the girl's lap as she pulled out of the parking lot.

luckily, there was no early morning practice tomorrow, so macklin was gonna use that to his full advantage and spend the night in y/n's dorm. the couple rode in comfortable silence into santa clara university, a convenient 7 minutes away from the arena so y/n never missed a home game.

she parked her car again and the couple hurried into her building. the few students wandering around the lobby caught sight of macklin's suit he put back on, a few of them recognizing him from as a sharks player and as y/n's boyfriend because he was over so much.

they lucked out with y/n's roommate hanging out with her own boyfriend tonight, so they had the whole dorm to themselves. macklin immediately thew his backpack onto the ground and shoved his suit jacket from his shoulders.

"gonna shower. i didn't really before we left. you're welcome to join me if you want," the brunette winked at the girl who flushed.

"wow, so classy of you. i did already shower this morning, so i'll have to pass this time," y/n laughed.

"damn, i thought you'd say yes. you sure you don't wanna shower again?" he winked again. y/n groaned, pushing her boyfriend to the bathroom.

"i'll be out here with your face mask."

the rookie accepted his lonely shower fate and disappeared into the bathroom. y/n took the opportunity to tidy up the room and get all the things she needed for their face masks.

20 minutes later, macklin came back out of the bathroom freshly showered and in more comfortable clothes. y/n hung up his suit jacket on the door of her closet, instructing him to do the same with the rest of the outfit so it wouldn't wrinkle.

the boy climbed into her bed a second later, positioning himself against her pillows, "i'm readyy," he sang.

"i've never known you to be so excited for a face mask," y/n grinned.

"it really makes my skin smooth, so i like it," the boy explained.

y/n handed mack her headband so his hair wouldn't be in his face or in the mask. he didn't hesitate to slip it over his head and expose his forehead. the girl giggled at the sight.

"are you laughing at my big forehead?" the boy raised his eyebrow, hands finding places on y/n's hips as she straddled his waist.

"maybe," she hummed, leaning forward to begin rubbing the cream on his skin.

mack admired her focused expression while just really taking the time to take in every part of her as she applied the mask. this was his favorite part of face masks because he could stare at her without shame and she hardly noticed because she was too focused on the mask.

"have i told you how beautiful you are?" the brunette wondered softly. he watched the way y/n's cheeks heated up into a deep blush.

"you have," she muttered.

"well, i'm gonna say it again. you're really beautiful," mack grinned.

"you're sappy tonight," y/n flushed.

"what? can i not say how beautiful my girlfriend is?"

"no, you can. thank you," she finished spreading the mask, leaning back to admire her work.

"how's it look?"

"great. i'lll let you know when five minutes are up," the girl set a timer on her phone and then mack grabbed the mask cream from her hands before she could set it back on the dresser.

she looked at her boyfriend quizzically.

"can i do yours?" he wondered with a soft expression.

y/n blushed again, "just don't get it in my hair."

"promise, i won't," macklin agreed and y/n let him have at it.

his touch was gentle as his fingers began rubbing around her skin. his lip poked out from his lips as he focused on doing it right. y/n loved how much he wanted to do it correctly for her sake and his expression really was just to die for.

"okay, did it," macklin leaned back to admire his work the same way y/n did. she loved the proud little smile on his lips, pulling her camera up to examine how well he did.

"wow, looks great, mack. your best one yet," y/n agreed.

"what can i say? practice makes perfect," the boy hummed, placing everything back onto her dresser.

"so how's your lip doing now?" y/n wondered as mack's hands wandered across the expanse of her hips and waist.

"i can't even feel it anymore, so good. i told you i'm fine," he eyed her.

"i know, just let me be a worry wart."

the sharks player smiled at her words knowing how much she liked to worry about things, especially the things that didn't need to be worried about. he reached up to quickly peck her lips, tryng to avoid getting face mask on one another.

"i love you," the brunette said.

y/n's smile grew, the whole i love you still new to them but heartwarming to hear, "i love you, too," she kissed him again and now they didn't care about getting face mask on one another.

[tinynerdycthulu]

tbh i dunno why so many sj apologists are anti-yqy. because like????? he is your mascot. he was the originator. the head honcho of excusing sj's levels of unmitigated villainy. look into my eyes and tell me that qi ge wouldn't blush and kick his feet if he saw xiao jiu commit murder. actually we don't NEED to imagine bc jiumei did just that and yue qi just grabbed his hand and ran, no thoughts head empty. arson? child abuse?? yue qi doesn't care. whatever makes xiao jiu happy <3

[biinaberry]

Did I make an au just for a rarepair? Yes, but heres my idea of a shen twin au

In my version Shen Yuan transmigrates into the body of 5 yr old Shen Shi, twin of Shen Jiu. It is very important to note that in this au SJ and YQ refer to SY with "A-Shi" and "Xiao-Shi" respectively, and SY takes up the identity of Shen Shi. SY is also fully cognizant when he migrates so he has the complete thoughts of a 20~ yr old while in the body of a 5 yr old. This causes some major dysphoria and also anger at the helplessness of being in a body that does not fit him and also the fact that he has no social nor physical power because he is a child. He also views SJ and YQ as his little brothers even if he is actually the youngest physically.

He eventually is taken in my the Qiu family alongside his brother. It is when SJ starts to bond with Qiu Haitang that it finally pieces together that his brother is going to be SQQ and grieves for the events that he knows is going to happen to him. The building rage and anger at the helplessness of the situation culminates in Shen Yuan starting the massacre with SJ instantly jumping in and causing the majority of deaths. When SJ carries out the unconscious body of Qiu Haitang SY realizes the opportunity in front of him. He knows that she is going to be the kickstarter of his brother's downfall and in that moment grabs the nearest weapon, and with a heavy heart, kills her as SJ watches in shock. He turns to SJ telling him "You can't leave any witnesses, they always eventually spill" before both run off. I dont know what to do with the Wu Yanzi so I'm ignoring it for now. And im also unsure if he gets a system but we'll see.

Eventually they meet up with Yue Qi now Yue Qingyuan and the anger SJ has towards him. SY is also angry but its more so for SJ's sake than his own. The two of them become a part of Cang Qiong sect and while SJ is taken in by the Qing Jing peak, SY is taken in by the beast and flora peak (which I do not have named). They both become head disciples and later peak lords. SY also is able to clock that SQH is not the original version due to airplane saying a modern phrase and a friendship forms. SY is also the one to start biting and defending his brother when QQQ or LQG take potshots at him. It's while they are still disciples that SY meets Su Xiyan while hes on a mission and they worked together for a bit before SXY split. They continued to meet up until eventually a friendship formed and SY meets TLJ a "companion" of SXY. SY clocks who the two of them are goes to SQH to learn all he can about them and their future. SXY and TLJ eventually fall for each other and SY makes sure to prevent the palace master from finding out as long as he can. He also warns them about the palace master and to not trust any letters not hand delivered by SY as he will act as a middle person to make sure no one intercepts them. It is also during this time that SXY and TLJ both gain interest in SY. Neither can explain fully why but his autistic swag, photographic memory and ability to name drop paragraph long information in seconds intrigued them. They start courting him, shen yuan is of course oblivious. It is also important that SY introduced himself to TLJ and SXY with the name "Shen Yuan" so only the two of them refer to each other as such. He also clocks when SXY is pregnant and tells her as such when symptoms start to show and again, not to trust the palace master. By this time he is now a peak lord alongside his brother.

Eventually the old palace master finds out and instead of targeting TLJ, he first targets their lynch pin, shen yuan. He sends letters to SJ and YQY about SY being a traitor. Showing him being a demon sympathizer and hanging out sect secrets that actually SQH was leaking due to the system. SY is captures, a trial occurs and SY is charged as guilty with the punishment of execution, but YQY and SJ object. Since it was CQ secrets he was sharing they have the official say. So instead of execution they instead lock him up on the beast peak using talismans and sigils. He is not allowed to talk to anyone besides fellow peak lords and his head disciple. He cannot leave the peak without another peak lord monitoring him and this also applies when teaching. This lockdown completely breaks him as he lost trust with his family and the confinement dives him crazy as a peak lord he commonly left to document and work upon his bestiaries. This leaves him in a depressive state and constantly paranoid as he cant trust anyone. And No One has told him definitive news if SXY and TLJ are safe, SQH has confirmed that TLJ was not captured and helped SXY but he has no clue where they are now and if baby LBH is with them. As SY is confined on his mountain he stops caring about appearances and starts wasting away seen in image 3. I havent figured the rest out with LBH but he does become a part of cang qiong sect under Qing Jing, the abuse he faces stays the same. If he is raised with TLJ and SXY or by the washer woman I do not know yet. LBH hearing about the rumors of a monster on the beast peak heads out and comes face to face with SY who is delighted to see him but also horrified that about 14+ years have now passed. This pushes him a little out of his depressive episode because now he has a son to take care of and he can't waste away in front of him. He needs to act strong. He teaches LBH the best he can while contained and tells him about his parents. The two form a father son dynamic where both cant really escape the situation they are in but at least have each other for company. SY also holds onto LBH's jade pendant so it isnt lost. He also tells LBH that if he meets a demon named TLJ, to mention the name Shen Yuan.

While on a mission LBH meets up with TLJ and tells him that he's met SY and TLJ loses it (pos). He asks where he is as SXY and TLJ have been trying to find him with no success. He is told that hes on the beast peak in cang qiong and has been contained there for the last 16 years. TLJ then hatches a game plan to free him and the decide to use the immortal conference as a distraction. Most of the cultivation world will be at that conference so minimal security will be held at the sect. They use this to their advantage. TLJ strikes a deal with MBJ to cause a distraction to keep the cultivation world on the two of them even if alarms go off that SY is escaping. MBJ agrees to this as TLJ allows him to target any huan hua disciple he sees (they dont tell SXY this). While they cause a distraction by appearing on the 7th day of the conference, SXY sneaks into cang qiong peak and works on the talisman and sigils. This works and eventually she gets to SY he sees the bad shape he is in, but it was better than what LBH originally saw. The two of them start crying and SXY activates a 2 way communication artifact with TLJ telling him it was a success.

TLJ then turns to MBJ and MBJ teleports, appears in front of SXY and SY and teleports the two of them to the demon world. TLJ then turns to his son who's demon seal now broke and decides to do some father son bonding and the two both go into the eternal abyss together, as this is a tradition for heavenly demons. The two of them return after 1-2 years and have MBJ teleport them out rather than using Xin Mo.

[skijumpingf1]

Downhill (D.Prevc X D.Tande)

Hello guys! I am back with another part of my oneshot series (last part is here). This will be a part 1 (part 2 is currently in writing but it may take a while because of uni and stuff but I will hurry). First off all I am sorry. This one shot ends in a cliffhanger and if this was ao3 I would tag it as emotional hurt/no comfort (comfort will be in part 2). It is set in Lillehammer 2024 (where Domen had this insane stunt and then his first fall). I hope you still enjoy it!

Wordcount: 6249

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My favourite weekend of the year is always the first weekend of the season. Nothing beats the excitement, the thrill and the unknow before the first competition. Nobody is stressed yet and it shows. The people are way more friendly than normally. Even I am. We are all just happy to be here.

This season the first weekend feels different though. For the first time ever none of my brothers were with me when I stet foot on the plane heading to the first competition venue. Nika was there of course. But it felt different, nonetheless. The only thing that felt normal is that Daniel was going to pick me up at the airport. One of the perks that the season starts in Norway. He could visit his family for a week before the season starts. Even though he isn’t really depended on where the season starts now. He is retired. No longer a ski jumper. He won��t be there every time I have a competition. If the season would have started in Poland or Finland or I don’t know where, he probably wouldn’t be there. He says he needs a bit of space. A break of ski jumping. And I get it. He misses it a lot even though it was the right decision. It would hurt. So, he will be limiting the weekends where I would accompany me. It sucks but I try to put a supportive grimace on my face whenever we talk about it. At least we are living together now, and I get to see him when I am home, but it still feels like it isn’t enough.

Daniel stands in the arrival hall of the Oslo airport with flowers. “I missed you.”, he states as he pulls me into a short kiss. I let my hand linger on his back even after we parted our lips. “Missed you more.” Our apartment felt very empty without him there. He will get to know the emptiness there too, I guess. Gosh. I need to get out of this head space. Daniel can decide what is right for him. And I should be able to live my life without having him around constantly. Theoretical. “Rob allowed me that you can take my to Lillehammer if you want.” His eyes light up. Behind me I can hear the trouble my teammates are doing. I shot a quick look over my shoulder. Timi and Zak are fighting over a banana. Nika and the other Nika are trying to break them apart, but it isn’t working. Daniel follows my gaze. “Of course I will free you of that mess.”

“Are you excited?” We are halfway between Oslo and Lillehammer when we get to the subject of ski jumping. I shrug. “Feels different this year. Also, I don’t even remotely know where we stand. In my team I rank pretty decent, but we don’t know how it compares to others.” I talk as if Daniel isn’t familiar with ski jumping. As if he didn’t spend the majority of his life worrying about stuff like this. If I would be honest, I would have said that we are miles behind and my form is a stable as a house of cards. My boyfriend picks up on it too, of course. “Ok. You are weird. First, I thought it is just about the season and the change in your team but …” How do I say that I respect his decisions regarding ski jumping but that I hate them? Especially since I tried to supportive and said it wasn’t a big deal before. “It will be hard without you there this year, Daniel. I know it is the right thing for you but for me it sucks. I want you there. Every weekend. Of course, I respect that you can’t right now but that is just how I feel.” Daniel presses his lips together. He doesn’t even look at me. I take my eyes away from him and look outside the window. Norway is beautiful as always, but something is missing. Snow probably. The landscape is still breathtaking but it so grey. “I am trying, okay. I told you I will go to as many competitions as I can.” “I know you are. That is not my point. My point is how I feel.” Now his eyes linger on me. “Let’s see how this weekend is going, okay? Maybe it isn’t too bad, and I decided to come to a couple competitions more.” Great now I pressured him. We both know it will be bad. Bad like when he drove me to practice one time and sat in the parking lot for over an hour and couldn’t move. Or when he wanted to come to the finale of summer grand prix but backed out last minute. “Sure.”

We arrive in Lillehammer with the awkward silence still haunting around. Barely a word was said in the last half hour. I pretended to be busy with team stuff. Daniel concentrated on driving. I almost sprinted out of the car when he parked in the parking lot of our team hotel for the weekend. “Am I seeing you again today?”, Daniel asks when he gets out of the car too. I put my backpack on, faced towards the other side of the car. “I don’t know. Robert is doing a team meeting, and he said that it probably gets late.” “Domen.”, he pleads. I turn around and take my boyfriend in. His hands are in his pockets and his forehand is creased. I take a moment to close my eyes and take a deep breath than I go to him. With a swift motion I wrap my arms around him. His familiar scent reaches my nose. I missed him so much but the thought of spending the night with him before the first competition is making me anxious. We will fight. I can feel it and I need to prepare. “I think I need the night to prepare for the weekend. Tomorrow will be better, I promise.” In the background I can hear a few cars. Maybe a team that is arriving. Maybe even my team. My boyfriend leans his forehead against mine. “Okay. But we speak tonight.” “Of course.” I kiss him softly. Kissing him feels always easy, even now when the tension is high. “I love you.”, he speaks almost silent. A car door gets slammed, and I hear Timi and Lovro fighting. “I love you too.”

“What are you doing here?”, asks Zak when I enter the meeting room. He is the first one in there and sitting at the end of the table. I shrug and let myself slid onto the chair next to him. “Figured it would be bad if I didn’t attend the first team meeting of the season.” The plan was that I would sort everything with my equipment out, check in my shared room with Lovro pro forma and then leave with Danny. Rob suggested that I can miss the team meeting and spent time with my boyfriend. I didn’t even have to ask. But now, after that tension in the car, I rather be here and listen to Robs boring presentation for the start the season.

Zak raises an eyebrow but doesn't say anything. He is more reserved. More like me but without the bad-temperedness. He likes the quietness and tries to stay out of the drama. I appreciate it. My other teammates will be all over me so it’s nice to have at least someone who is not annoying. I clear my throat. “I know it is kind of out of the blue but if the world cup circus ever gets too much or you need someone to have your back. I am there.”, I speak up and look to my younger teammate. Zaks eyes get big in surprise. “What?” “Okay I know that I sometimes look a bit unapproachable and everything, but I want you to know that I am not.” It is the first time ever that I offered something like that to my teammates. But it is something I would have liked to have. Everybody just assumed Peter would fill that role but even after it became clear that Peter wouldn’t be that person, nobody came to me and helped me. Well apart from Daniel. In hindsight I probably needed more help. More guidance even if I rejected it. I know that Zaks situations is vastly different than mine was, but I would still like to help him. Become someone he trusts with it because I feel like he could need someone. Sure, he could go to Anze, but he is always way to concerned. Sure Lovro, Timi and I are all roughly the same age, but they are so bubbly, and I have the hard experience they luckily mostly lack. “Thank you. I appreciate it. Really.” I nod to him and give him a small smile.

The door to the conference door opens and Anze and Timi enter. Anze pauses when he spots me. “What the hell are you doing here?” “Trouble in Paradise?”, adds Timi and smirks. I groan. “I am still part of this team. You should be more confused if I wasn’t here.” For a second time the door opens. “Has someone seen Domen or Daniel? Domen left all of his stuff, even his phone, behind.”, my roommate for the weekend barges in without even looking up from his phone. He probably already writes a text to Danny. Strangely Daniel is closest with Lovro. I thought he and Anze would hit it off in the half year he trained with us, but no. Lovros goofy attitude stuck with Daniel. “Relax you Idiot. I am here.” Lovro looks up confused. I can see the way he turns slightly to Timi and Anze to get their opinion. I also see the way they shake their heads. “Shouldn’t you be all over you boyfriend right now? I mean cool that you are here but the last week you have been miserable because Daniel wasn’t around. Now he is around, and you are here.” Lovro speaks fast while the other guys observe my reaction. Normally I would make a snarky remark now and the other would drop it. The others are aware of it too. Anze is concerned but he isn’t pressing like he would with Timi. But I promised Peter to try. Try bonding better with my team. I made the first step with Zak so why not try going further.

I sigh. “Daniel and I would fight if we spent the night together. So, I kind of fled and delayed the fight to tomorrow.” The second Timi opens his mouth, Robert and the co trainers come into the room. The conversation has to be delayed as well. Fitting.

Timi, Anze and Zak have no chance to ask me about the topic again. Rob accompanied us to dinner and even those guys know better than to speak about relationships while our coach just told us to focus. Lovro waits with the question until we are in our bed and just minutes away from turning the lights off. “What is the deal with Daniel?” I let my eyes shut for a few seconds and let myself fall onto my pillow. “It is kind of complicated.” “We have time Domen. I know you want to talk about it. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have said anything.” Its unfair that my colleagues can read my pretty well. But stuff like this happens when you spent more time with them than with your family. “Daniel is having a tough time. Like he doesn’t know what he wants to do after the retirement. The new environment and not that many contacts aren’t helping. And he barely can stand the thought about ski jumping because it still hurts so much. He still thinks it was the right decision but that doesn't mean that it isn’t hurting.”, I speak honestly. Peter would be proud of me. Argh. Can’t believe I follow his advice. “Do you think it was the right decision?” Lovro rolls onto his side to look at me. His phone long forgotten. “Yes. He wasn’t happy doing it anymore. He would have hurt himself doing it. It just he hasn’t got a plan, and he doesn’t want to speak about it. Also, he doesn’t want to come to competitions which sucks because I am so used with having him around here.” For the majority of my career Daniel was there. Even before we were together. Every world cup stop is plastered with memories. Like here in Lillehammer where we both purposely missed the train during raw air, and we get a whole night together. It was one of the first ones after we got together. “Seems like you are frustrated because you can’t help him. Must be hard on you too. Knowing he isn’t doing good but knowing you can’t fix it.” “I mean … Yes, I think. It is hard.” Lovro chuckles while I roll with my eyes. Of course he can’t stay serious. “Sorry it’s just that you just figured it out. Like obviously it is hard on you. Have you tried talking to Daniel?” I also turn onto my side and watch Lovro who looks at me with concern. “Of course, but I have to respect his decisions. How can I complain knowing it will hurt him if he comes to competitions?”

The real deal starts on Saturday. I don’t make the mixed team on Friday which I expected. So, Saturday is game day for me. I start the day with a light jog through the Norwegian forest. Normally I just run around without a certain destination. Today I have a set goal. It’s the gym of the Lillehammer ski club. Daniel is doing a training sessions with Maren Lundby for kids there. He was asked a few weeks ago and of course my boyfriend can’t say no to something like this. Yesterday he was a bit nervous about it but today he seemed exited. Me missing him overruled all the other bad feelings I had, and I spent the night in his hotel. Surprisingly there wasn’t a fight, but we avoided all of the hard topics. This morning, he already made plans which games to play and stuff.

I turn right and the gym is in my sight. Its not far from the hill, which is good since Rob is doing another team meeting today as a result of yesterday's bad mixed competition, and I have to be back at the hill in an hour. Hopefully Danny enjoys today, I think when I enter the building. In my mind I always thought that he would make a good kid’s trainer. Not that he wouldn’t be good a regular trainer. But the way he acts around kids and how he cares would make him an excellent trainer for young jumpers. He could be a good TV expert too. With his looks and his charming personality, he would certainly draw people to our sport.

Loud noises are already coming out of the gym. I don’t want to disturb the lesson, so I just look through the door. Danny is on the floor and is doing a few stretches with a bunch of kids. He has is back turned to me, but I can tell he is laughing. I let my hand run through my hair. Should I go in? I can’t just stand here for an hour. But I want to let Danny do his own thing without pressure from me. My boyfriend takes this decision from me when he stands up and scans the gym. His eyes immediately land on me. A smile is appearing on my lips. He really looks good here. You could almost say he glows. With a few fast steps he is by the door and opens it for me. Quickly I remove my headphones. “Hey. What are you doing here?”, he asks in amused voice. “Just wanted to see if everything is alright.” I step into the hall and already spot a few eyes on me. Those kids are ski jumpers of course they know me when they see me, but I am still surprised. Danny puts an arm around my torso. “I am glad you came. I probably won’t have time to wish you good luck for later.” He lets his gaze wander over the kids. “Do you want to join? The kids would love another world cup athlete as their coach.” For a short moment I am considering it, but this is Danny thing. I shake my head. “I have to be back at the hill soon.” He takes my hand and pulls me towards the kids. “But you have time for a few autographs, right?”

Half an hour later all the kids are equipped with autographs and pictures. “You seem so happy here.”, is the only comment I allow myself when Danny walks me back to the door. “Those kids are fun. Even you aren’t grumpy.” I roll my eyes. “See you after the competition?”, my boyfriend questions. I nod and give him a short hug. “Definitely.”

Timi, Anze and I are all going up the hill together. The perk of the first competition is that we jump in the order of last year’s world cup standings and relatively late. Tomorrow we will be probably jumping a lot earlier. Timi and Anze were both pretty bad and the mixed team and my form is even worse. “So much to a good start of the season.”, comments Timi when we see Zaks result in the elevator up the hill.

We arrive at the top of the hill and go into the waiting room. We prepare for our jumps. While Timi is focused, Anze and I let out our eyes wander around. Timi goes out first, a few seconds later Anze follows and lastly, it’s my turn. I nod at Anze and Timi when they go through the suit control. A sign that I wish them a safe flight. My gaze wanders downhill. Somewhere Daniel is standing. Is he looking or avoiding watching the competition? I close my eyes and breath. I need to focus, and I can’t focus if I think about Danny. So, I push him to the back of my mind.

It`s my turn to go onto the gate. The steps to prepare for a jump are a part of me. I don’t need to think about checking the binding. My subconsciousness is doing it alone. The ample turns green and Rob lowers the flag. Without any hesitation I let loose. My jump itself is okay. A bit late but manageable. Suddenly something feels odd. Very odd. I am losing the balance. Shit. The binding. Out of pure instinct I grab onto my ski. I don’t even know why. Never in my entire career I grabbed onto a ski mid-flight. But somehow its working and then I crash. The fall is probably much more minor than without my little stunt. Air is getting pushed out of my lungs when I collided with the hill and my heads slams into the snow. I don’t crash often but it’s plastered into the back of my brain that I should turn onto my back, so I do.

Daniel is my first cohesive thought. Gosh he is seeing this. He sees me fall. I come to a halt in the outrun. Paramedics are already there when I open my eyes. Daniel saw me fall. Daniel whose feats I just confirmed. “Please lay still. Can you tell my where you are? Are you feeling any pain?” “I need to let him know that I am okay.” The young paramedic looks at me like I am crazy. Not good if you just tumbled down a ski jumping hill. I shake my head and sit up. “Domen, right? We need to make sure you don’t have a spinal or head injury. Please lay down.” “I am in Lillehammer, and I just fell. My back hurts but its manageable. I probably have a concussion, but I need to get to my boyfriend.” Without waiting for answer I stand up. I am dizzy for a second, but it doesn’t matter. The audience is clapping when they see me walking. My eyes scan the people in the VIP area and in the chancing zone. Timi almost hangs over the railing. Anze behind him is giving my thumbs up which I recreate. Another cheer. “Daniel?”, I form silently. My oldest teammate signs with the head in the direction of the VIP tent. So, he didn’t stay to watch. He didn’t make sure I am okay. I feel like someone punched me. He isn’t waiting at the exit where the paramedic booth is. The young paramedic is catching up with me. He puts a hand on my shoulder. “Domen, we need to get you looked at. I am sure everyone is aware that you are okay.”

I let me guide to the blue booth where all the medical personnel is. It’s a quick examination. Just bruising and maybe a slight concussion. My team doctor comes in in the middle with my bag. I change out of my suit, and he assures the staff that he can take care of me. I am out of there in ten minutes. “Man, that was crazy. I never seen something like it.”, Matej, our team doctor, chats, when he follows me outside. “Domen.”, I hear a shaky voice. Daniel. He was leaning against the booth but walks over to me as soon as he was sure it´s me. Matej gives me a quick pad on the shoulder and then he disappears. My boyfriend lets his arms out as if he wants to hug me but stops. “Are you hurt?” His way of asking if he can hug me. I shake my head and cross my arms in front of me. “Where were you?” Daniel looks like he was hit. His eyes go wide. “I am sorry, but I need to get away. I felt like the world was coming down when I saw you tumble down the hill.” I can’t help the laugh that escapes me. I don’t know if it’s the adrenaline or something else, but I won´t pamper him right now. Not when I fell. Not when he should be taking care of me. “You felt like the world was crashing down? My first thought was you and that I had to make sure that you know I am safe. But you weren’t there. You didn’t come check on me.” My boyfriend makes a step into my direction, but I back off. “Domen.”, he pleads. “You needed a minute when I fell. I need a minute now.”

I leave him behind and go into the direction of the lift, but I don’t come far. “Domci.” Nika slams into me. “I am fine.”, I assure her and put my arms around her. She buries her head in my chest. “I was so worried when I saw the jump. I came down as quickly as I could.” I let my self take in the familiar scent and weight of Nika in my arms. Since she has become older the times when she really wants to hug me have reduced. So, I enjoy this one even if a fall was the necessary for it. Eventually she lets go of me. She looks around. “Where is Danny?” My face falls and I swallow hard. Is it bad that I suddenly feel the urge to cry? Nothing happened really. I am fine. Sure, my back hurts but it’s nothing. Daniel will come apologize and I will forgive him. But right now, everything feels too much. “Oh, he did not.” Nika gets the hint. She is fuming. “Can we go up? I want to get out of here as quickly as I can.” My little sister takes my hand and leads me to the lift. “Lucky for you Katra wants to explore the city with Tina, so my room is free.”

The hotel is pretty empty when we go into the lobby. Makes sense since most of the people that are currently living here, are at the hill. We share the same floor as the girls. Nikas room is just two doors down from mine. With quick motions my little sister opens the door. The first thing she does is get rid of her shoes and jump onto one of the two double beds. “How unfair! I have to share a bed with Lovro.” Although I am lucky with Lovro. Timi likes to cuddle when he sleeps. Anze usually doesn’t mind, and they tend to share a room. “Well, we are way more successful than you guys.” My phone rings. I know who it is even before I look. Daniel is trying to call me. My finger tense around the phone. I let him go to voicemail. It rings again. “Domen?” My little sister sits up in her bed and frowns. She pats next to her. “Sorry. Its just Danny.”, I explain while I sit down next to her. “I figured. So, what happened?” A sigh escapes me. I close my eyes and lean against the headrest. “Its dumb. I fell and he wasn’t there. I mean he was there but after I was checked out. In my mind he would come running to me. Meet me at the exit. Come with me while I get checked out. Hold my hand. But he wasn’t there.” My phone vibrates again. Just one short vibration. A message. A few seconds later a few more are coming.

Nika pulls me out of my thoughts when she leans her head on my shoulder. I try not to wince. My shoulder got a bit hurt during my tumble down the hill. “Did he explain why?” “He said he needed to get away. I mean, I get it. The fall triggered him. Ski jumping alone triggers him sometimes. But it was me, you know? I thought that it would be more important to him to check if I am okay.” The telephone rings again. I look on the screen and expect Daniels name like the two times before but its his mother. It could be just Daniel who tries a different approach knowing that I won’t hang up on his mom. If it is, it’s working. I shot Nika a apologetic look and take the phone call. “Hello.”, I say quietly. “Oh Domen. Are you alright? That fall looked nasty.” Trude Tande is one of the best people I know. She is so caring, and it doesn’t surprise me that she asked about me first and not give the phone straight to her son. “I am fine. Just a bit of bruising.” I hear a bit of Norwegian swear words. “Daniel is terrible worried.” “You can tell him I am with my little sister if that calms him down.” I bet Danny is standing next to her. Maybe he is even listing. “He is sorry, you know. He couldn’t. Its hard for him.” “Its hard for me too.” Nika raises an eyebrow. I shake my head. There is a pause from Trude. As if she didn’t really consider me before. Didn’t consider my feelings about the whole situation. Not just today. In general. “Look Trude. I promise I will call Danny today or I drop by his room. I just need a bit.” “I will let him know. Take care.”

“Was that his mom?” I nod and run my hands over my face. Nika considers for a second what she wants to do. She is Nika, my annoying little sister, so obviously she is going to press for more information, and I love her for it. Everyone else would let me be mad and lost in my head but not her. “It hasn’t been too good between you two recently, hasn’t it?” Slowly I rest my head on top of hers. “I mean when is life not hard? But recently it has been tougher.” “Why?” Nika seems genuinely confused. Sometimes I forget that she is only 19. Barely an adult. She is already extraordinary smart and brilliant at everything she does. But she barely lived the real life outside the ski jumping world. Maybe I should insist on doing more with her in our time off. “Can we talk about something else? I need a distraction.”

I spent the whole day in Nikas room. We watch a romcom that Nika wanted to watch for ages, then we gossip about old schoolmates and people we meet through ski jumping. By the time dinner arrives my back properly hurts from the fall, but I am not that mad anymore. “Thanks for being there.”, I say to my little sister before leaving her room. “No worries. We don’t spend enough time together anyway.” Quickly I hug Nika. “And we are definitely going to change that.” My sister lets go of me and looks at me for a moment. “Are you going to talk to Daniel now?” “I think I have no other choice. If I don’t call him today, he is going to storm the hotel.”, I joke but mean it. Daniel would knock on every door if he had to. “Then good luck.”, she speaks before she goes back into her room.

Its already dark outside when I find the courage to call my boyfriend. On my way to Lovros and my room the hotel suddenly felt too suffocating, and I wandered outside to a bench with view over the entry of the hotel. My boyfriend picks up the phone after the first ring. “Domen! Oh my god, finally! I am so sorry.” Hearing his voice feels good and bad at the same time. He was always the person that brought me calm and now the opposite is happening. I feel nervous about speaking with him. “Can we talk in person? I am outside of my hotel on a bench.” “Of course. I will be there in five minutes.” He hangs up and the silence is surrounding me again. I breath in the cold Norwegian air and suddenly I know what to do. The solution is as clear as the sky above me.

Daniel shows up in less than five minutes. His hair is hidden under a white hat, his hands are in the pockets of his thick coat. “Hey.”, he is the first of us to speak. “Hey.”, I repeat. He makes a step towards me and takes his hands out of his pockets. “Let’s go for a walk.” Without waiting for a response, I head into the Norwegian forest. I can hear his footsteps behind me. Faster than mine. Trying to catch up. “Okay listen, I am so sorry that I wasn’t there. If the roles were reversed, I would be angry as well, but you have to understand me. I thought for a second, I would lose you. I know you know that feeling and you can surely understand how terrifying this was.” Sharply I turn around to face him. We are already deep into the forest so that nobody can spot or hear us. I don’t feel bad when I get louder. “Understand how terrifying? It was terrifying when you were in a coma, and I had no information about how you were doing. Today was nothing in comparison. I was up on my feet in two seconds because I wanted to show you that I was fine so you wouldn't experience what I did. But you weren’t even there to make sure I was okay.” Daniel opens his mouth and closes it again. With a sigh I remove my beanie and let my hand run through my hair. “Listen I don’t want to fight about today. It felt shitty that you weren’t there, it still does. But we should talk about everything that lead to this and all the other stuff.”

“What do you mean?” I raise my head and look at the stars above us. Its kind off feels like the time we talked right before we got together. In Engelberg 2019. We were also outside of the hotel in the forest. There were no stars but a lot of snow. The naïve teenager me asked Daniel of all people about attraction and it quickly brought me to a lot of realizations. This also feels like a big conversation. But in a different way. “You are not doing okay. I let it slide because I thought you were just sad about retiring. Ever since the announcement you haven’t gotten better thought. It has gotten worse. From not be able to ski jump again to barely tolerating watching it is a huge way down.” Daniel bits his lip. Normally I would find it endearing but now it shows me how insecure he is. “I have to admit, I may be a bit more triggered about ski jumping than I thought I would. But now that the season is starting again, I will get in the groove again.” “And what if I fall again? Or one of your old teammates? I think you need help.” I close my eyes during the last part, so I don’t have to see his reaction. I can hear it though. He stays silent for a moment. “I will let you help me. I promise. I will talk about it more.” I can’t help the small powerless laugh. “I can’t help you. How? Ski jumping is my life. There is not a halfway for me to help you because I am too involved. And even if I could, I don’t think I have the strength to help you.” Daniel closes the distance between us. He is standing so close that I can feel his body heat and smell his perfume. I fight the urge to back off. “What do you mean?” A sad smile is appearing on my face. “The last months were hard for me, and you didn’t even realize it. Every time you were breaking down, I was breaking down. And it is so damn exhausting to try to get you to do something. I tried so hard to bring you joy and something that could be your next thing after ski jumping. But nothing worked. I can’t handle that you are just sitting in our apartment drowning in self-sorrow.” There is an audible gasp from my boyfriend. I let my head hang low. “What are you saying? Are you saying what I think you are saying?”, Daniel whispers. “I think you need to figure yourself out. I think you need to find something that brings you joy and that you can do after your career.” “But you don’t want to be a part of it?” I raise my hand to his cheek. “I want to be a part of it, but I can’t. Not for currently.” Now its Daniel who takes a step backwards. His throws his hands in the air. “So, you are breaking up with me? Because you can’t support me?” Sharply I shake me head. I didn’t consider how this would come over exactly. “No, I don’t want to break up. I love you; I would never suggest that we break up. It’s just that I think that we need a break. A break where you can start figuring out what to do. A break where I can concentrate on ski jumping without feeling guilty that I am prioritizing it over you.” Danny swallows hard. “A break?” “A break.”, I confirm. “Until you are doing better, and my job doesn’t trigger you anymore. Until I can support you again without feel exhausted.”

I can see how Daniels mind processes my words. “How would that even work? We life together.” “We are flying to Finland directly from here. After that I could move in with my parents or with my brothers if we still need time. Or you stay here with your family if you think it would be beneficial to be in Norway.” It physically hurts to speak about living separately again after the little time we had together but it would hurt more if we continued like this. Then maybe there wouldn’t be a relationship to safe. “And how will you know that I am ready? How will I know?” I shrug. “You call me, or I call you. It’s not like I want you out of my life, Danny. If you need me, I will still be there.” I take a step towards Daniel and reach my hand out for him. He takes it. Gently I pull him towards me and put my arms around him. For the last time in a while I take in his scent. “I love you, Daniel. This break won’t change anything about that. I will miss you horrible, but I think we would break if we continued like this.” “Okay. If this helps saving us, then okay.” He pulls me closer as if he is scared that I would disappear right now. “Can you say it too? So that I have something to hold on?” “I love you, Domen. We will get this fixed. I will get this fixed. I promise.” I can feel tears coming in and I swallow hard. “I love you. I really do.” With a heavy heart I press my lips onto his and then I leave.

[fistfuloflightning]

What is that…thing? I was hoping you’d be able to tell me. Because I certainly can’t.

Bai Zhan Peak disciple Shen Yuan and Zui Xian disciple Shen Jiu—mostly for Battle Twink/Drunkard-by-Necessity-Asshole-by-Choice shenanigans

Jiuyuan Week Day 3: QJPL SJ/other peak SY (in which I yet again ignore half the prompt and say they’re both from different peaks)

[wie-sagt-man-noch]

Lellinger: The way I love you - Part 10 /10

Masterpost | AO3 | FF | Prev

With a soft sigh. Past exhaustion and frustration and despair, like it’s the only good thing left. Sometimes it is.| 1.1k

April 2020, Weißbach

Der Himmel über seiner Heimat ist strahlend blau. Die Sonne scheint, der Wind gleicht einer lauen Brise – für April ist es ungewöhnlich warm. Der Garten seines Elternhauses erstreckt sich vor ihm, gepflegt sieht er aus. Die ländliche Idylle wird von Vogelgezwitscher begleitet, während Andreas auf dem hölzernen Balkon sitzt und missmutig die Augen schließt. Eigentlich sollte er die Ruhe und das gute Wetter genießen – unter normalen Umständen würde er das vermutlich auch tun. Von der gewohnten Normalität ist derzeit allerdings nicht mehr viel übrig, auch wenn die malerische Szenerie, in der er sich befindet, etwas anderes vermuten lässt.

Die Welt befindet sich seit einigen Wochen in einem Ausnahmezustand, Corona hat die Nachrichten und das Leben aller fest im Griff. Das Virus grassiert und hat alles bis dato Gekannte auf den Kopf gestellt. Kontaktbeschränkungen, überfüllte Krankenhäuser, leere Straßen – nichts ist mehr so, wie es vorher war. Er selbst wäre beinahe nicht mehr zurück nach Deutschland gekommen, als er seine Schwester im März in Australien besucht hat. Die Zeit dort war wunderschön und unbeschwert – zum ersten Mal seit langer Zeit hatte er dort das Gefühl, endlich wieder im Moment zu leben. Er konnte abschalten und seine eigene Verletzungsmisere des vergangenen Jahres ausblenden.

Zumindest so lange, bis Stephan Anfang März gestürzt ist und sich ebenfalls sein Kreuzband gerissen hat. Die Nachricht hat ihn jäh auf den Boden der Tatsachen zurückgeholt. Er hat seinen Freund umgehend angerufen und war bereits dabei, seinen Rückflug vorzuverlegen, aber Stephan hat darauf bestanden, dass er in Down Under bleibt. So entspannt wie die letzten Tage hab’ ich dich lang nicht mehr gesehen, bleib'. Bitte. Dabei hat er ihn fast schon flehend angesehen, als sie gefacetimed haben. Hier kannst du eh nichts machen, bleib' so lang wie geplant – ich lauf' nicht weg hat er gesagt und Andreas musste tatsächlich schmunzeln. Andreas ist geblieben, auch wenn zu diesem Zeitpunkt bereits die ersten Reisewarnungen wegen des Coronavirus ausgesprochen wurden.

Ernst genommen hat er sie nicht, wie so viele andere auch. Was soll schon passieren, hat er zu seiner Schwester bei einem gemeinsamen Abendessen gesagt. Sie sehen sich ohnehin viel zu selten, seit Julia in Australien lebt. Er hat die nächsten zwei Wochen mit ihr mehr als genossen, die neu gewonnene Leichtigkeit hat ihm unfassbar gutgetan.

Vermutlich hätte er dennoch abreisen sollen, aber später ist man immer klüger, heißt es. Im Nachhinein betrachtet ist es auch nicht sonderlich klug gewesen, bei stärkerem Wellengang surfen zu gehen. Andreas hat es trotzdem getan und dafür die Quittung bekommen. Eine Welle hat ihn unvorbereitet erwischt und ihn von seinem Bord geworfen - dabei ist unglücklich mit seinem Schlüsselbein auf dem Bord aufgeprallt und hat es sich prompt gebrochen. Der heiße Schmerz hat ihm im ersten Moment den Atem geraubt, dann war er auch schon unter Wasser. Zum Glück war er bereits relativ nah am Strand, sodass er sich schnell aus dem Wasser begeben konnte – aber ihm ist in diesem Moment klar geworden, dass die Verletzung ernst sein muss.

Stunden später ist er bereits operiert worden. Als er später aus der Narkose wach geworden ist, war ihm zum Heulen zumute. Wieder ein Rückschlag, dabei wollte er diesen Sommer doch endlich wieder voll ins Mannschaftstraining einsteigen. Wieder Schmerzen, wieder Reha, alles wieder von vorne. Dazu noch Stephan, der ihn dieses Mal nicht mit seinem unerschütterlichen Glauben unterstützen können wird, weil der seinen ganz eigenen Leidensweg vor sich hat.

Hinzu kam, dass sein geplanter Rückflug wegen des Virus annulliert wurde und er deswegen beinahe nicht hatte ausreisen können. Ja, Andreas hätte seinem ersten Impuls nachgeben sollen. Dann würde er jetzt nicht mit geschientem Arm bei seinen Eltern auf dem Balkon sitzen, sondern fit bei Stephan sein und zur Abwechslung mal für ihn da sein können. Hätte ihm im Alltag helfen können, weil er weiß, was Stephan gerade durchmacht und an welcher Stelle er ihm das Leben leichter machen kann. Er hätte ihm Tag für Tag sagen können, dass er an ihn glaubt und dass das alles wieder wird, hätte Stephans Launen ausgehalten und ihm gezeigt, dass er sich auf ihn verlassen kann. Dass er ihn liebt – in guten wie in schlechten Zeiten, egal wie kitschig sich das anhört.

Andreas hätte so vieles tun können, aber die Realität sieht anders aus. In ihr hat er jedes Mal starke Schmerzen, wenn er seine rechte Schulter nur leicht bewegt und Stephan hat er seit über einem Monat nicht mehr persönlich gesehen – Andreas fühlt sich schlicht und ergreifend miserabel. Er ist erschöpft, kann nachts kaum schlafen, weil seine Schulter dumpf pocht und seine Gedanken rasen. Seine Laune ist unfassbar schlecht, er spricht mit seinen Eltern häufig nur das Nötigste, obwohl sie die Letzten sind, an denen er seinen Frust herauslassen sollte. Andreas weiß, wie privilegiert er eigentlich ist. Seine Eltern kümmern sich liebevoll um ihn – er ist nicht allein wie so viele andere Menschen in der aktuellen Situation. Er weiß das alles, aber es ändert nichts daran, dass er unglaublich enttäuscht und wütend ist. Auf sich selbst am meisten, was ihn nur noch frustrierter werden lässt. Dazu kommt, dass er Stephan wahnsinnig vermisst und ihm gegenüber ein unglaublich schlechtes Gewissen hat. Der wiederum hat ihm vorhin am Telefon gesagt, dass er das nicht haben muss, Unfälle passieren, Andi, und war wie immer unglaublich verständnisvoll.

Sie telefonieren oder facetimen täglich und Andreas ist unfassbar froh über diese Routine. Manchmal witzelt Stephan darüber, dass sie ab nächstem Jahr das Kreuzbandzimmer sein werden. Er plant voraus, glaubt an sie beide und lächelt wissend in die Kamera, wenn er davon spricht. Ohne Stephan würde er durchdrehen, da ist Andreas sich sicher. Andreas bewundert ihn für seine Stärke, seine Ruhe und seine Zuversicht – vorhin hat er ihm genau das auch gesagt. Stephan ist ein wenig rot geworden, während sich ein Strahlen auf sein Gesicht gelegt hat. Bei dem Anblick hat sich eine bekannte, wohlige Wärme in Andreas' Bauch ausgebreitet, während sein Herz etwas schneller geschlagen hat. Das leise geseufzte Ich liebe dich konnte und wollte er nicht zurückhalten, weil er es genau in diesem Moment überdeutlich gespürt hat. Ich liebe dich auch hat Stephan ohne zu zögern geantwortet, bevor sie sich kurz darauf voneinander verabschiedet haben.

Inzwischen hat sich ein leichtes Lächeln auf Andreas' Lippen gebildet. Er öffnet die Augen, blinzelt der Sonne entgegen, atmet tief ein und wieder aus. Zwischen all dem Frust glimmt zum ersten Mal seit seiner erneuten Verletzung ein wenig Zuversicht. Wenn alles um ihn herum zusammenbricht, nichts mehr so ist, wie es war, und alles schief zu laufen scheint, dann ist da immer noch Stephan. Stephan, den er liebt und der genau dasselbe für ihn fühlt.

Wenn das am Ende bleibt, ist alles mehr als okay.

[milktrician]

didn't think i'll also get this done today, but some cover art for my fic Shang Qinghua's Reincarnation Survival Guide.

[afsosville]

You know what would've been nice? Shen Jiu ending up on a different peak that's actually good for him. Maybe Qian Cao, or the beast taming peak could've been hella therapeutic. Or the alcohol/brewery peak to drown away all his sorrows. But what if he stayed fucked up, in a way that's actually good and productive for society? Yeah, I wanna toss him over to Yin Hui and let him run wild! I've seen many iterations of Yin Hui, the fanon peak for espionage and poisons in fanfics. By extension, Yin Hui is also covertly the assassination peak, and I wish this peak got more attention around here tbh. Why do I think this peak is the most well suited for Shen Jiu? BECAUSE ASSASSINS. Duh.

So here comes a baby demonic cultivator Shen Jiu and the Yin Hui peak lord immediately wants him. Shen Jiu would be more readily accepted by his peak martial siblings, and no one would bat an eye at Shen Jiu, his standoffish personality or shady past. A lot of Yin Hui disciples are from questionable backgrounds since the Yin Hui peak lord naturally has to be very particular about selecting their disciples. Yin Hui was established to protect the sect and its people by any means necessary. Sure, the rest of the sect may fight against the supernatural, demons, and the undead, but Yin Hui fights an even greater monster: people.

The Yin Hui peak lord manipulated things so that the first impression the rest of the sect has about Shen Jiu is 'that new badass Yin Hui disciple that killed the criminal Wu Yanzi and saved the future sect leader!' (Seeing as Wu Yanzi would be the very sort of ppl they assassinate, he's already getting goated on Yin Hui too.) So Shen Jiu is known as that new prodigious disciple from Yin Hui and is getting some goddamn respect! And just because of his association with his peak, fewer people are inclined to question his background and whatnot since there's an understanding that the identity of the YH disciples needs to be heavily guarded. The Yin Hui peak lord finds out about the Qiu's soon enough, and they erase any and all traces leading back to Shen Jiu. Even framing it in a way that makes it look like WY did the massacre. Any credibility Qiu Haitang could've had for Shen Jiu's murder accusations is thrown out the window. (Ain’t no way in hell the Yin Hui peak lord is going to name SJ that stupid trauma inducing name like a certain Qing Jing peak lord, that's for sure.)

I'm pulling in elements from MDZS over here. In my version of Yin Hui, they have disciples who practice demonic cultivation, but they make sure it's in a safer way that won't hurt them. There's a surprising number of disciples who have damaged cultivation and chose to cultivate the ghost path. The previous generations of Yin Hui peak lords have created Wei Wuxian's inventions in this AU, and is used by the rest of the peak, like the compass of ill winds, paper metamorphosis, the spirit attraction flag, and empathy. I lowkey want a Wei Wuxian that's native to SV to be the Yin Hui peak lord, now that I think about it. He's good with his kiddos and would be an awesome shizun. And ofc, Shen Jiu is a reflection of his environment, so he's certainly making an example out of Wei Wuxian, one of the only positive influences in his life.

Shen Jiu still has his violent tendencies, so nothing has changed about that, but he learns to take that pent-up energy out on missions instead. And he does them well. It even gives him an edge. Everyone else thinks he's just reallyyy good at his job, as expected of the talented head disciple of Yin Hui!!

He really does try his best to not be an ass (bc he gets the love he deserves on Yin Hui) and ends up venting in a different way (coz he knows better than to take it out on people who don’t deserve it.) His shizun really gave him the free reign to kill sl@ve trad3rs, human tr@ffick3rs, r-ists, and other scum whenever he wanted, in the name of stress relief lol. If killing a particular person becomes politically complicated, like the Old Palace Bastard, then you best believe he's going to scheme like the little schemer he is. He's going to Nie Huaisang the OPM.

Since Shen Jiu is not salty about his fucked up cultivation, and his martial siblings respect him, they get along just fine. His cultivation is some parts similar to Wei Wuxian's: Shen Jiu is a ghost cultivator influenced by music. Sure, he may not be that great of a spiritual cultivator, so what? He's pulling up like the Yiling Patriarch with his demonic cultivation and a haunted guqin of his own.

And guess what? Shen Jiu enjoys teaching. He's training miniature assassins, spies, and the art of demonic cultivation, so forgive him if he's more than a little enthusiastic about it. I imagine that he's exactly like Shifu from kung fu panda when it comes to teaching. Still extremely harsh and strict when training, but outside of actually teaching, he's an attentive and caring shizun. And yes, he completely does act like a father figure who is proud of his murder babies, and ends up being called A-Ba so much that all of Cang Qiong thinks he's officially adopted every single one of his disciples. (After being saved by SJ on a mission, NYY persistently begs SJ to take her in even though he desperately thinks Yin Hui isn't a good fit for her. And then, after being under him for a while, she's completed her first mission successfully, has smn else's blood on her face, and is smiling brightly. 

Ning Yingying: "I completed my mission shizun! Are you proud of me?"

Shen Jiu: "..."

Some other peaklord: "Haha like father like daughter! She's definitely your girl alright!"

Shen Jiu: "...!?!" )

Yue Qingyuan is conerneth about his Xiao Jiu, but as long as he's happy, who cares. Shen Jiu has a better relationship with the other peak lords, so when asked about why he visits brothels, he straight up tells them that it's the best place to gather information in the dark. He doesn't have that mentality of "why explain myself when no ones finna believe me anyway" He actually trusts them and is more honest with time. Shen Jiu does come clean about killing the Qiu's at some point, and the peak lords are all like-

"I didn't hear shit"

"See, I'm blind in my left eye, and 75% blind in my right-"

"Completely understandable, Shen shidi!"

They don't even ask why he did it and just assume he had a valid reason, and he absolutely fucking did.

Oh, Shen Jiu gets accused of playing dirty? Liu Qingge, he literally kills ppl and makes poison as a daytime fucking job ofc he's gonna play dirty! Shen Jiu tried killing you that one time on the well mission? Bro you good? The fact that you think he tried to kill you and failed?? You just insulted an entire peak of disciples and their ancestors. You would've been dead before you could even think of sensing their killing intent if it were true. And there was a witness too, doofus. Be fucking for real. Nahh coz there definitely would be more people who are taking Shen Jiu's side whenever the two of them fight.

Shen Jiu uses a shit ton of versatile weapons because most of his fighting and cultivation prowess comes from his wits and adapting to fighting with different styles/methods. He is kinda similar to Xie Lian bc both of them lack spiritual energy/qi (damaged spirit roots in Shen Jiu's case), but that does not mean they are weaker. It just means they learned to train their body and minds instead of relying on cultivation/qi. He has a massive arsenal of weapons along with the demonic cultivation. (Airport security would hate him)

Yin Hui has got to be my favorite fanon peak, and Yin Hui! Shen Jiu plauges so many of my waking thoughts, I can't stop-

I can add elements from my other hyperfixation into this AU, the Avatar Chronicles. Which are the written books from ATLA. The criminal organization Kyoshi joined, the Daofei, for example, could be a good plot point. Or the Platinum Affair from the Yangchen books. If you don’t know what the Avatar Chronicles are, just ignore this last part lol.

[starry-bi-sky]

mmmmmm read a disciple shen yuan/shizun luo binghe fanfic about two days ago where the first chapter was the Immortal Conference arc, and SQQ was the one who had to be pushed into the abyss (he was still the villain) except Luo Binghe was refusing and was like, lowkey losing his mind about SQQ being so close to the edge. SQQ ended up having to be the one to fall in himself because of the system's punishment system. The rest of the fic is leading up to that moment. But like, MMM i've been obsessively thinking about that first chapter for DAYS ever since.

now i've been in svsss for a grand total of *checks watch* a week. but god obsessed with that. I want to write/read a fic where disciple SQQ goes a little nuts down there. Like keep all of the things that make SQQ, SQQ, but just. Throw in a little bit more trauma in there. A little bit of a mental break. Let him go a little nuts as a treat. Just a tad unhinged. I wanna see him go, just a little, "god fuck it, i've tried so hard to change this shitty story's outcome and it feels like everything i've done has been for nothing. I'm going to die in this world no matter what I do, I've been doomed from the start, so might as well die the way I want to." and he just, breaks a little! Under all the stress.

He still retains the traits that makes shen yuan, shen yuan, like his overwhelming kindness. But he's just! yk. A little less patient. Paranoid. Jumpy. Colder. A little more aloof and closed off. A little more Shen Jiu. He's no asshole child abuser, but he was a Number One Hater in his past life and he's leaning into that old habit a little more now.

(On a totally coincidental not-at-all related note, there's not enough SJ-and-SY-are-the-same-people fics out there that i've found. This is totally unrelated...)

The Endless Abyss turns the mind into an over-sharpened blade, and SQQ is both fascinated and perhaps a little excited to explore a place that doesn't have a lot of info on it in the mortal realm, but still terrified out of his mind. And he's no Luo Binghe, he doesn't have the sheer brute strength and power to just bulldoze his way through, so he has to be a lot more sneaky and cunning if he wants to survive.

The fic itself role-swapped LBH and SQQ so that SQQ was the half-demon (which lowkey fucks) and LBH the human, but I'm equally-if-not-more obsessed with the idea that LBH remains the half-heavenly demon and SQQ the human. If only because I keep thinking about SQQ befriending some demons (particularly and specifically a group of succubi) and they grow very attached to this Human Cultivator so through magic plot stuff they create some kind of seal/illusion/talisman that makes SQQ appear as a demon because a human cultivator in the endless abyss may as well be the equivalent of putting a giant neon target on your back.

And iirc Shen Jiu was taught demonic cultivation by that one guy(?? i've only been here a week so im not caught up in ALL of the lore yet) so that could totally happen here.

(On the other end of the realms, poor Shizun Luo Binghe is just. losing his fucking mind over losing his most precious and beloved disciple. About .5 seconds from burning down the peaks himself. somebody sedate him.)

The Endless Abyss sucks and SQQ is having a really terrible time and can feel himself going lowkey mad, but also holy shit look at all this WORLD-BUILDING. look at all this flora and fauna, and oh if he had the equipment for it he'd be writing all of this down. ALL OF IT. He was kinda-sorta-already planning on never leaving the Abyss as some sort of fucked up self-exile and self-preservation thing, but now he might? actually just?? never leave if he can help it, like he lowkey likes it down here.

anyways the next time anyone ever sees SQQ again he's got hair so long its almost touching the ground and he's either in rags and half-feral or he's been completely dolled up by his adoptive succubi sisters and still about three seconds from biting anyone who tries to touch him. (he's also lowkey trying to book it back down to the abyss even if he has desperately missed all of his friends and shizun)