#sixpennydame north star
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sixpennydame · 21 hours ago
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I made the scary decision to scrap the chapter I was writing for North Star and start fresh, and now the words are flowing!
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——
Sometimes you have to take a big risk to make progress, I suppose.
Anyway, North Star is finally getting the attention from me it deserves!
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sixpennydame · 2 years ago
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Terra, thank you so much for this glowing recommendation and review. Your support means the world to me and I’m so glad you’re enjoying the series. ❤️
Fic Recommendation
North Star - Sailor (Sixpennydame)
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Two years after The Rumbling, a mysterious man comes to live in your boarding house. His body maimed and scarred, you wonder where he’s from and what he’s running from.
Even more so, you wonder if he’s hurting as much as you are.
Can fate and love heal two broken people? Set in the canon universe of Attack on Titan, post Rumbling, this story follows Levi as he attempts to move on with his life. Loss, love, pain, joy, loneliness and friendship are all beautifully interwoven. The sheer scale of the world-building alone is impressive, picking right up from the details of the continent given to us by Isayama. It's a must-read for all Levi Ackerman fans and those that like their fics romantic and sentimental with a dusting of angst. Read on AO3
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amywritesthings · 11 months ago
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✨🩵🌙SEND THIS TO OTHER BLOGGERS YOU THINK ARE WONDERFUL. KEEP THE GAME GOING ✨🩷🌙
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YOU KNOW I LOVE YOUUUU SAILOOOOORRRR!!! i hope your week is going alright and i adore you so much muah muah
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ae-chidori · 6 months ago
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You know this feeling when you finish a good TV Series or a book and you just don’t know what to do with your life anymore…?
Recently I’ve read a fic about Demon!Levi and I just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s called A Demon’s Promise by AngelDesaray. I really hope the writer will continue writing this story one day because I didn’t even get to finish it since it hasn’t been updated for so long 🥲 And still waiting for the North Star, of course, by sixpennydame.
But hey, no pressure writers, it’s just my own personal tragedy 😂
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mrsackermannx · 1 year ago
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「 FANFIC WRAPPED GAME 」
to show our appreciation and love for the fics we have binged and read again and again this year! 🎉🍾🩷
| recommend anywhere between 1 to 10 fics/one shots/drabbles in no particular order that have made your year special! <3 |
feel free to tag to AO3 or tumblr users/posts unless the writer states otherwise !
tagging (open also to anyone who wants to participate! <33): @sixpennydame @vampyrsm @daisynik7 @meownotgood @romantichomicide95 @pinkkittysaw @princess-okkotsu @strawberrystepmom @saenora @novasatoru @nkogneatho @fangirlings-world @c-h-e-r-r-i-e-s @this-is-still-mia <3
MY 2023 LINEUP…
1: levi/reader: north star by @sixpennydame
2: choso/reader: blood in the water by @teekonscurse
3: itadori/megumi: first love, late spring by city boys
4: choso/reader: show me how by therapy_placebo
5: levi/reader better man by @sixpennydame
6: gojo/reader: violet lights by @septembersummer
7: sukuna/reader cor unum by @vampyrsm
8: gojo/reader (tw cnc with gojo) shot by @princess-okkotsu
9: ino/reader do you like scary movies? shot by @daisynik7
10: aki/reader: under the influence by @meownotgood
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sixpennydame · 2 years ago
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Val, @youre-ackermine my wonderful, talented Bestie! I love this - it really helps me to envision the world after The Rumbling. I’m actually having a bit of a crisis with my next chapter of North Star, and I almost want to scrap everything I’ve already written for chapter 5 and just start again. But maybe it feels that way because I’m just having a difficult time this week.
Catherine and Levi will make a visit to Fort Salta at some point, so I will definitely use this to inspire my descriptions.
Thank you again for collaborating with me! 😘
Hi, my wonderful Bestie!
Are you still taking mood board requests? If so, I have a challenge for you!
POSSIBLE SPOILERS for end of AOT manga/anime.
For North Star, my character will be traveling with Levi to Fort Salta. It will have been three years since The Rumbling and she’s going there for some closure (that’s all I’ll say for now 😉). So for writing inspiration, I’d like some pictures of what you think the environment around Fort Salta would look like. The AOT wiki has some good information if you need some ideas.
No worries if you don’t have time or not something you’d be interested in. ilysm! <3
Hi Sailor my Best Bestie ❤️❤️
The mood boards requests are still open !
Sorry to reply only now, but I had to think about this more thoroughly than usual. I'm so glad to work on a collab with you again & I hope this 3-parts mood board will fulfill your request properly !!
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️SPOILER ALERT ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ SPOILER ALERT ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ SPOILER ALERT⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️
Part One - Manga panels
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Part 2 - Shit actually happened
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Part 3 - Levi & Catherine's POV
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*****
Let me know if it's not what you expected, I'll make another one !!
Lots of love my Bestie ❤️😘
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peachdues · 3 months ago
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I sent you a whale before thinking it was a shark whoops 😭
🦈/📚 plsss 🫶
LMAO you’re all good bestie, I didn’t even notice!
🦈 Which character is the toughest to write?
Honestly right now, it’s Tengen 😭 mostly because his speech patterns are similar to Sanemi’s, so I have to remember to really take care to separate the two — how Sanemi reacts to certain scenarios is not the same to how Tengen reacts, so I have to check myself pretty frequently 😂
📚 is there a fanfic author or fanfic you recommend?
Answered here! But I’ll go ahead and plug the following:
@amywritesthings (both silver underground and press four for more options alsnsksndnkwk) @sixpennydame (North Star and dark side of the moon) @littlerequiem (we all bleed red) @vampyrsm (cor anum and I don’t even like Sukuna the Kakuna like That) @forest-hashira (noble blood my beloved) @theoxenfree (their original works are just INCREDIBLE) and so many more!!
Ask me!
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nube55 · 1 year ago
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Hey lovely Nube 💕
Finally, finally, I have the opportunity to jump into your ask box & get to know you better!!! We're both huge fans of fanfiction so this ask game was made for us! As usual, I can't stick to one question only so, if you're ok with that, may I ask you: A8 | B5 | C2 | D8?
Looking forward to reading your reply 👀
Lots of love 💕
<><><><><><>
PS: your comment/reblog of Lucy's post about this stinky comment on her fic was perfect 👏
Hello Val!! 🎊 awwww thanks for stopping by!!! Hahaha don't worry, we'll get to all of them!
(Adding a read more cause this got LONG sorry I'm physically incapable of summarising)
What was your first fandom? Are you still in that fandom now?
My first fandom was Harry Potter. I am not in that fandom still and do not wish to engage in it anymore for a number of reasons, but it was my gateway to reading from an early age and it was an excuse to bond with someone I cherished a lot and who sadly isn't here anymore. I met some awesome friends through it too, friends that put up with me to this day! Hahaha
Which story have you read more than any other? How many times?
You know... come to think of it, I haven't read an entire fic all over! 🤔 (regarding multichapter fics). I do want to highlight the ones I've been going back for certain chapters/scenes that I love! This list shows a variety of writing styles that leave me on the ground swooning (Warning!! no concrete spoilers buuuut references to scenes):
Holy Ground by @lucysarah-c (ongoing): Lucy can pretty much give a masterclass on poetic writing and I'm not exaggerating. I come back to it for my faves: chapter 9 (aka Levi's quiet morning gets interrupted in the funniest of ways - for us readers, not for him lmao), chapter 11 (aka not knowing how to play Scrabble leads to interesting outcomes), chapter 15 (one OF THE BEST LEVI POV I'VE LAID MY EYES ON), and chapter 17 (when you can feel yourself in the scene, it's just that amazing)
North Star by @sixpennydame (ongoing): such SUCH a special story. I love coming back to chapters 6 & 7, the whole Mount Aspe arc is exquisitely written.
Spectrum by @19941117 (finished): I have nothing but praise for this story and the incredible talent of its author. It focuses on an AoT character I've never seen explored before, and has the most breathtaking of endings.
Silver Underground by @amywritesthings (ongoing): this girrrrl leaves Easter eggs everywhere so I had to go back an re-read many parts to come up with theories lmao. I really enjoy the first chapter, the pace in it, the dialogue, the tension. And the whoooole bit on the Underground arc makes my heart become pudding.
Please tell me I didn't f*** up any link hahaha.
What word or expression always makes you cringe when you read it?
Usually I cringe when I see a sustained behaviour that feels excesively out of character to me (in those cases I choose to opt out). I also feel cringe-y in NSFW scenes when intimate parts are refered to overly poetically for my taste. I'd rather have them refered to in a filthy way tbh 😂
Which fandoms do you read fic for?
Currently I'm 99% dedicated to AoT (had a YoI phase a couple years ago!). Buuuut I wouldn't mind reading some Vinland Saga stories 😏 (@atruewarrior I'm looking at you)
.
.
Well I think that's it!! Thanks for the questions Val, have a wonderful week! 🌻🌻
Ask a reader meme
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sixpennydame · 6 months ago
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I commissioned @explosion-island to illustrate Levi from my postwar fic, North Star, and boy did they deliver! I am so in love with everything about it. 🤍🖤
Their commissions are open for this month, and I highly recommend them if you’re wanting to get something done.
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youre-ackermine · 2 years ago
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@sixpennydame Levi with his horse in Survey Corps before he met Demon post war in "North Star" 😉
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and then i thought: “what if the horses were just as unique as the characters?”
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dont-f-with-moogles · 9 months ago
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Face reveal of me, literally right now, tea in hand, SALIVATING over these latest gems from my favourites
Sunburst @youre-ackermine
Get Off With You @this-is-krikkit
North Star @sixpennydame
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youre-ackermine · 10 months ago
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Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin // Attack on Titan
Fanfiction, headcanons & moodboards posted here on Tumblr
Fanfiction & headcanons posted on AO3
English is not my usual language
Posted: 03/30/2024 || Last update: 06/09/2024
©2022/2024 youre-ackermine || Do not use or repost my works || Do not translate without permission
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Levi Ackerman x Reader
Under the Mistletoe • Tumblr // AO3
Don't you dare! • Tumblr // AO3
Levi Ackerman x Hange Zoe (Levihan)
Sunburst • Tumblr // AO3
Belated Birthday • Tumblr // AO3
Echo • Tumblr // AO3 • for @dont-f-with-moogles
Dumbstruck • Tumblr // AO3
Night Out • Tumblr // AO3
Flushing • Tumblr // AO3
Lips like Sugar • Tumblr // AO3 • fanart by wolfstar13_ on Instagram
Troublée (part one) • Tumblr // AO3
Levi Ackerman x Petra Ral (Rivetra)
[coming soon]
[coming soon]
Levi Ackerman x Erwin Smith (Eruri)
[coming soon]
Levi Ackerman x Miche Zacharias (Rivamike)
[coming soon]
Levi Ackerman x Hange Zoe x Erwin Smith (Erurihan)
[coming soon]
Hange Zoe x Pieck Finger (Pikuhan)
Behind the Scenes • Tumblr // AO3
Hange Zoe x Erwin Smith (Eruhan)
[coming soon]
Erwin Smith x Reader
[coming soon]
Erwin Smith x Miche Zacharias (Mikeeru/Erumike)
[coming soon]
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Levi Ackerman
Levi's Birthday 2023 + moodboard • Tumblr // AO3
[coming soon]
Levi Ackerman x Hange Zoe (Levihan)
Postwar!Levihan Valentine's Day 2024 + moodboard • Tumblr // AO3
Our First Christmas + moodboard • Tumblr // AO3
Sunday Walk • Tumblr // AO3 • inspired by @ashh-ketchup 's fanart
Hange Zoe x Erwin Smith (Eruhan)
[coming soon]
Jean Kirstein x Reader
Jean Kirstein x Fem!Reader Valentine's Day 2024 + moodboard • Tumblr // AO3
Historia Reiss x Ymir (Yumihisu)
Yumihisu Band AU + headcanons • Tumblr // AO3
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Levi Ackerman
Love Bites (NSFW) with @leviismybby • Tumblr // AO3
Levi's Fingers (NSFW) • Tumblr // AO3
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Levi Ackerman / Levi Week 2023 Event
for @leviweek2023
Day 1 Tea Shop
Day 2 Underground City
Day 3 Affection and Fondness
Day 4 Dad / Family
Day 5 Vampire AU // No Name Band
Day 6
Day 7
Day 8
Levi Ackerman x Reader
TattooArtist!Levi for @stellar-smth || fanfiction Under your Skin
Postwar!Levi fanfiction inspo "Mursa" for @sixpennydame || fanfiction North Star
Postwar!Levi fanfiction inspo "Postwar Fort Salta" for @sixpennydame || fanfiction North Star
Levi Ackerman x Hange Zoe (Levihan)
No Name #1
No Name #2 [coming soon]
Postwar!Levihan Valentine's Day 2024 + headcanons
Our First Christmas + headcanons
Student!Levihan for @smol-lydia || fanfiction I Wanna Make a Couple Bad Decisions (with you)
Scouts!Levihan for @this-is-krikkit
Valentine's Day 2023
Levi Ackerman x Petra Ral (Rivetra)
Rivetra for @love4-bunny
Levi Ackerman x Farlan Church (Levifar)
[coming soon]
Erwin Smith x Reader
[coming soon]
[coming soon]
Erwin Smith x Miche Zacharias (Mikeeru/Erumike)
[coming soon]
Eren Jaeger x Mikasa Ackerman (Eremika)
[coming soon]
Jean Kirstein x Reader
Jean x Fem!Reader Valentine's Day 2024 + headcanons
Historia Reiss x Ymir (Yumihisu)
Yumihisu Band AU + headcanons
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Header & dividers: @youre-ackermine || Do not use without credit 💟
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amywritesthings · 6 months ago
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do you have any levi fics recommendations? i’m having trouble finding ones that live up to yours 😭🙏🏼
I WILL PREFACE AND SAY I HAVE NOT READ MANY LEVI FICS tbh i try to avoid fics of the person i'm about to write so i dont accidentally get influenced by portrayals (i'm also heavily into reading bnha fics right now, like that's all i currently read)
but
i highly rec @sixpennydame's DARK SIDE OF THE MOON fic. the first two parts are out, it's cyberpunk-y yakuza levi. it's SO fucking scrumptuous. that's my current obsession.
sailor's NORTH STAR series is also a great comfort/healing fic if you wanna curl up and get cozy.
@humanitys-strongest-brat also has a fantastic modern one shot called SHOELACES that i was giggling while reading
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sixpennydame · 11 days ago
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𝐀 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐰
On this New Year’s Eve, I found myself re-reading this scene from North Star, my slow burn, friends to lovers fic for postwar!Levi.
As soon as you arrive home, you head straight for the kitchen. Levi follows and finds you looking out of the large window overlooking Mirror Lake and the mountain range beyond. He stands next to you and joins in gazing over the horizon.
“I feel different somehow,” you say as the sky changes from dark blue to purple. “Like I’m on the precipice of something.”
“That’s good.”
You’re standing so close to him that your knuckles hit his hand. You decide to move a finger and brush it against his.
He responds by moving a finger of his own. It gently caresses the back of your hand. Such a light touch, but it gives you butterflies in your stomach.
Neither of you acknowledge the other’s movements, as if it’s some natural occurrence neither of you can control.
The sky begins to lighten little by little as you both look out the window. “So…what happens now?” Levi asks.
You’re not sure if he’s asking about the sunset or the fact that you’re both holding hands now, his fingers interlaced with yours. You decide to answer the former.
“I’ll show you.”
You turn towards him and he mirrors your movements. The warm pinks and purples of the morning shine on his face, giving him an almost angelic glow.
You lean in close and kiss him on his right cheek. “A kiss for the old year...”
Levi is frozen as you then move to his left cheek. “…and a kiss for the new.”
Your lips move slowly away from him, but you stop to look into his eyes, which at first meet your gaze. You want to reach up and touch him, but he beats you to it, his thumb moving across your cheek then down to your jaw. The butterflies in your stomach have now turned to a heat deep in your core.
It shouldn’t be this easy to care for someone else.
Lips mere millimeters from each other, begging for the other to make a move.
All it takes is the smallest of leaps for everything to change.
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sixpennydame · 1 year ago
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Need some postwar!Levi reading?
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Because we all want to see Levi at peace and happy.
North Star - by me
8/? Chapters
Two years after The Rumbling, a mysterious man comes to live in your boarding house. His body maimed and scarred, you wonder where he’s from and what he’s running from.
Even more so, you wonder if he's hurting as much as you are.
Can fate and love heal two broken people?
Fable - @mrsackermannx
19/24 chapters
There's no other place you saw yourself after the Battle of Heaven and Earth, than his side.
(And currently looking for more, so if you have any suggestions, send them my way!)
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sixpennydame · 10 months ago
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North Star ✶ Chapter 11
A Levi Ackerman x oc slow burn
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Series Masterlist | AO3
An opportunity arises, that puts tension between you and Levi.
A/N: I found an amazing, detailed map of Marley on Reddit that has helped me view the geography of Marley and its surrounding locations. If you'd like an idea of where Mursa is, it's in the far SW range of mountains.
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“Levi…you’re overthinking it. Let go and trust!”
Mathieu sits in a corner of the training barn and watches as Levi and Demon race around the perimeter. He shifts uncomfortably, attempting to wave his arms, which are still in slings on either side of his chest. 
“Work with Demon, not against him.”
Levi leans in, pulling the right rein just slightly and attempting to give  Demon more control. After finishing a round, he rides toward Mathieu, beads of sweat dotting his forehead despite the cold. He leads Demon to a water trough before getting a drink himself, ignoring the frustrated look on Mathieu’s face.
“You’re still pulling too hard on the reins when you need to make a right turn. I’ve told you to trust Demon to be your sight on your right side.” Mathieu walks toward Demon and attempts to pet him with his bandaged arm. “It’s a partnership, Levi. You can’t be in total control. Give in a little.”
Levi knew this - he’d heard Mathieu yell this at him a hundred times since he’d started training. He knew he needed to trust that Demon knew just the right time to turn, but without his peripheral vision on his right side, he felt too vulnerable. 
Kenny had taught Levi to always be aware of everything going on around him: every sound, smell, and movement could be a possible attack. He’s sure that his keen senses are what kept him alive for much of his life; so of all his injuries, the lack of sight in his eye has been the hardest adjustment to make. Lack of depth perception, difficulty in judging accurate distances and tracking object movement - abilities most people take for granted - were now challenges beyond his control that not even his Ackerman blood could remedy.
He sometimes wondered why he was even attempting this in the first place. 
But then he remembered: it was a challenge. He knew he wasn’t the man he used to be, but riding made him feel alive and caused all his senses to become alert and focused. When everything clicked with him and Demon, it was like being whole again. 
It’s just this damn eye. 
But Levi could adjust - he just needed to focus.
Which meant he needed to think less about you. That was the whole point of moving out of your house anyway.
It wasn’t like you were completely out of his life. You come daily to the stables to brush and ride Astrid, and you’re both amicable to each other, talking about the weather and goings-on in Mursa, as if nothing had happened between the two of you.
But something had happened. Levi couldn’t get it out of his mind.
Did you think about it too?
He checks his watch. A creature of habit, he knew you’d be here at the stables any moment now to check on Astrid and make lunch for them; the latter you’d insisted on doing ever since the accident. Of course, neither of the men would argue with that, although they argued with each other about almost everything else. 
“Ok old man, enough of your badgering,” Levi says, taking Demon’s reins and leading him out of the barn. “I’m working on it.”
”You better work harder. Your first race is only a few months away,” Mathieu yells to Levi’s back.
——- ✶ ——-
You’re learning to live with it, the solemn silence of the mornings without Levi here. That same empty feeling you’d felt in the previous three years, now creeping its way along the floorboards of the house. It’s been a month now since his departure, and looking back on the night he left, and the kiss that had happened hours before, you felt silly for thinking it was anything other than some fantasy. 
Maybe you were meant to be alone, and that was ok. You’d made due before Levi had come into your life and were learning to live with the loneliness. And besides, he was still your friend; that hadn’t changed, thankfully.
But you missed his presence in the house, the conversations shared in the early morning hours when even the sun had not yet risen. It had been mostly you talking, but he was a good listener, someone who looked at you while you were speaking, as if he was weighing every word carefully. On the rare times he did open up, it was like one of those flowers that only blooms every ten years; it felt special and you couldn’t help but listen, enraptured by the stories of his youth and his training for the Survey Corps. You wondered what it must have been like to live the first half of your life underground. And then, to live within the confines of gigantic walls.
When you were young, you often thought of the mountain ranges surrounding Mursa as high, impenetrable walls. You figured most young people felt that way, eager to escape and see more of the world. It was one of the reasons Martin and his younger brother Tomas had joined the military - a bit of freedom and adventure before settling down. But back then, you all knew Tomas would never settle down. He was wild and carefree, an unstoppable force too big for this small town.
Hmmm..
...you hadn’t thought of Tomas in years, not since your return to Mursa after The Rumbling. Although Martin had loved his younger brother with all his heart, they’d never truly gotten along; like two magnets with opposite poles, it was sometimes hard to believe that the two were even related. Tomas had always yearned to travel over the mountains and make his own way in the world, and he had made it clear to everyone that he never planned on returning to Mursa once he left. True to his word, you’ve not heard from him since.
The picture of him and Martin in their Southern Marley military uniforms still stands on the mantle; Martin is smiling, standing proudly in his officer’s uniform, his hand on the shoulder of his brother. Tomas is sitting in a chair, one arm resting on his leg. He’s not smiling, but there’s a fire in his eyes, a look of eagerness. Like so many others around the world, you wonder if he was killed during The Rumbling, or maybe he was living, carefree, in some other part of the world. 
Because he was about the same age as you, everyone had expected you and he to be friends; but throughout the years, Tomas had only ever treated you with indifference, even when you and Martin had married. Although the relationship between the two of you had always been spotty, it would be nice to have family here. Someone who remembers how things used to be, even though those days are long gone.
You walk to your bedroom as your focus changes to the picture of you and Martin on the altar near your bed. Tradition dictates that the altar be taken down after the three years of mourning are over, but in the past month, you just haven’t had the will to put it away. You know Martin has moved on, and you should too, but some things are just hard to let go of.
But there’s a tug at your heart, saying today’s the day.
The silver frame feels heavier than you remember. It had been a wedding gift from Martin’s parents, in a time when silver was a less precious and rare resource. Lilies of the valley had been delicately etched into the surface, with the year of your betrothal engraved at the bottom. You look so young in the photo, even though only a little over 5 years have gone by. You gently wrap the frame in a silk scarf Martin had given you once for your birthday and place it in a small wooden box. 
The other object on the altar is even harder to put away.
In opposition to the frame, the baby booties are soft and feather-light. You remember sitting in the chair in the corner, easily crocheting them in a day, but being so proud of yourself because they’d been the first thing you’d made for the baby. Other things had come after that: a blanket,  a few tiny cardigans and even tinier bonnets. In a fit of grief, you’d burned those things after returning to Mursa three years ago, along with the other things you and Martin had bought for the nursery. It was just too painful to look at.
Looking at the tiny white booties, you regret doing that now.
You place them next to the frame and close the box, then place it in a corner of your closet. In the spring, you’ll bury it next to the large oak tree in the backyard, the one that Martin would always take naps under as a boy, and where you and he would steal kisses behind in your teenage years. Closing your eyes, you can see him now, sleeping under the tree in the heat of midsummer, your child laying on his chest. Peaceful. Content.
The clock chiming for the hour breaks you from your dream. “I need to get to Mathieu’s,” you say to yourself, putting on your warm winter layers before heading out the door and down the road to the stables.
——- ✶ ——-
“Stop pulling on my coat, you silly girl! I need to brush you, and then we’ll go out and stretch your legs.”
Levi smiles when he hears you talking to Astrid. Your voice always goes up just a tad whenever you talk to animals and little kids. With anyone else, he’d think it annoying, but with you, he finds it endearing. The smile on his face is gone by the time he walks past you.
“Astrid’s been a stubborn little shit lately,” he says as he takes the saddle off Demon. “She probably just wants to see you more.”
(He just wants to see you more.)
“I’m already over here for practically half of the morning every day. Maybe you just need to give her more attention.”
”Astrid could care less about me.”
”Awww, did she reject your charms, Levi?” 
Your laugh reverberates through the stable and causes his mouth to turn upward just a bit. He loves this playful side of you. He’d almost think it flirting if he didn’t know that he’d ruined any of those chances. 
He knows he hurt you that night, when he told you the kiss was a mistake. It was written all over your face: the confusion, the rejection. You had smiled, thinking he wouldn’t notice, but you wear your heart on your sleeve.
A heart that Levi isn’t worthy enough to handle. 
Your eyes shine at him as you give him a wink and a smile, before you continue to brush Astrid. 
This is fine. This is enough for him.
”There’s my favorite girl,” Mathieu exclaims, standing at the entrance of the stables before walking towards you. “The best part of the day is when you arrive here. I’m not sure how much longer I could endure Levi’s sullen looks this morning.” Looking over at Levi, he smirks. “But it seems that your arrival has changed his mood too.”
Levi stiffens while a slight blush washes over his cheeks. He doesn’t look at you, but he can feel your eyes on him. 
“Get inside before you freeze, you old geezer,” Levi replies as he unsaddles Demon. “I’m going to exercise a few of the other horses before lunch.”
“I’ll help him out with that,” you add
“Of course you will,” Mathieu says, a teasing lilt in his voice. “I’ll leave you both to it then.”
“You don’t mind if I join you?” you ask, eyes on him again. 
“Do what you like. They’re not my horses,” his voice as apathetic as he can muster, in hopes it won’t reveal that he loves it when you ride with him. 
He’s realized that in the last month, it’s practically impossible for him to push you completely out of his orbit. 
The two of you ride into the training arena, you on Astrid, and Levi on a young mare he’s been working on saddle training. He can feel a curious aura around you, a question right on the tip of your tongue.
At the end of the hour, it finally comes out.
“Levi, what’s the rest of the world like now? After The Rumbling?”
He forgot that you’ve only left Mursa once in the past three years. But why the sudden interest?
“To be honest, most of it’s in chaos right now. Practically the entire continent of Marley was decimated in The Rumbling, and the loss of such a world power has put every other nation at a stand-still. Even now, there are refugee camps everywhere as entire communities try to rebuild.”
Levi’s face darkens.  “And while nations are either rebuilding or fighting for control, Paradis is building its arsenal, just biding its time to see what kind of world is going to come out of all this.” 
“Some of your former comrades are going to Paradis soon as peace emissaries, right?”
“As if that’s going to make any difference, after all this.” He looks away. ���Fucking idiots.”
“You didn’t want to go with them?”
“To do what? Kiss Eldian asses and beg them to be nice?” Levi clicks his tongue. “I’m a soldier, not a politician.”
“You still see yourself as a soldier?”
Levi looks up at you. He didn’t even realize he’d said that.
“No, of course not.”
“Then how do you see yourself?”
That’s something he’s asked himself time and time again. Honestly, he doesn’t know who he is anymore. His entire meaning, his purpose, had been in service to and for others, but now they were all gone, including the world he’d fought so hard to save. It was like learning to be a new person.
He’d spent the years following The Rumbling in that pursuit: joining Onyakopon and the others in rebuilding the world, hoping to find that meaning he’d lost. But through it all, this lingering emptiness followed him. His life in Mursa was supposed to be a reset, a chance for him to rediscover himself without the shadow of war and death.
So why did he feel just as lost as ever?
It embarrasses him that he can’t answer you, and so he deflects. “Tch, what’s with all the damn questions today?” 
“Well, before  Annika returns to Mursa this spring, she wrote to me and said that she and some other doctors are working with an organization to help set up a clinic at the Pulsella Refugee Camp.”
”She would do something that idiotic. Does she realize how incredibly dangerous it is there? That part of Marley is still a steaming pile of shit. It’s overrun with bands of warring gangs.”
“You’ve been there?”
“I haven’t, but I’ve been to plenty other camps that were the same. We did what we could, but not even the Marley military - what’s left of it - will touch that place.”
Your brows are knit in contemplation. “So that’s what’s happening beyond these mountains.”
“A lot of turmoil and strife. You’re lucky to live in a place like this.”
“I suppose I am.” You pull on Astrid’s reins, leading her out of the arena. “I should go get lunch ready.”
Something’s shifted in you, but Levi can’t quite put a finger on what that might be. It sends a pang of worry and uneasiness through his mind.
It seems that pushing his feelings down for you is going to be harder than he thought.
——- ✶ ——-
A few days pass before you return to the stables. Levi figured you had other things to do, but it didn’t stop him looking over the horizon every morning, expecting to see your figure walking in the slushy snow. It’s been unseasonably warm the past few weeks; he’d been told to expect snow well into mid-spring, but nothing about the world has been normal since The Rumbling, not even the weather. It’s beyond Levi’s level of understanding, but a scientist had explained to him that it had something to do with the months it took for the millions of steaming titan bodies to decompose, as well as the environments those same titans had destroyed. 
His muscles ache as he breaks up some ice that had accumulated at the entrance of Mathieu’s home, the sound of the shovel scraping against the ground only interrupted when he hears footsteps behind him.
“Warm today. Spring will be here before we know it,” you say.
”Not nearly soon enough. I’ve about had it with snow.” He stops and leans his body on the shovel, relieving some pressure on his leg. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Yeah. I’ve been busy.”
You don’t elaborate, and Levi doesn’t ask what you mean. You’re standing next to him but he feels a great distance between you both, something he hasn’t felt since becoming friends with you. 
But this was the whole point of his moving away. This is what he wanted.
Right?
Your silence continues as you saddle Astrid, choosing to ride outside by yourself instead of with Levi. There’s no questions today. No asking him about his knee or how Mathieu is doing. 
Something is up. And as much as Levi wants to ask you what’s going on, he knows it’s not his place. He shouldn’t pry into your life.
Mathieu, however, has no boundaries, and when you finally all sit down to lunch, he asks, “Is there something wrong, Catherine? You’re quiet today.”
You shift in your chair and wipe your lips with your napkin. “No, nothing’s wrong. But I do have some news.”
At that, both men lean forward. “Annika has asked me to help her pack up her things before her move back to Mursa this spring.” You pause, sitting up straighter. “She also invited me to accompany her to her last assignment with her hospital: to set up and build a clinic at the Pulsella Refugee Camp in the Eastern Marley Territories. You stand up and take the plates from the table. “I’ll be gone for a month or two.”
“Why?” Levi’s voice is cold and direct.
”What do you mean, why? I want to help Annika.”
”With moving, ok yes, I get that. But going to Pulsella? I told you it’s a lawless wasteland there. What can you do?”
”I guess…I just want to try and make a difference, in whatever way I can. Annika said they could use volunteers to make food, distribute aid kits, and build more permanent shelters. I think I can help.”
”How? By getting yourself killed? Some help that’ll be..”
”Levi…” Mathieu says, putting a hand on his arm.
You turn your back to both of the men, walking to the kitchen with the plates. “I knew it. I knew you wouldn’t understand. I didn’t even want to tell you.”
Levi is quick to follow you. “I don’t think you understand. That place is beyond dangerous, Catherine. The people are desperate there.
”All the more reason why people who care should go help those who have nowhere else to go.” You start roughly washing the dishes. “I’m tired of just living here while others are suffering. It doesn’t feel right.”
There’s an intense silence as you roughly rinse the plates. Levi knows he should say something, tell you that he’s worried and he just doesn’t want anything to happen to you. But to say all that would be to admit that he still cares for you deeply. 
The whole problem would be solved if he just went with you, but he knows he can’t. He promised he’d stay and help Mathieu, and the old man had already put time and money into training him for this damn race. He can’t back down from his commitment.
And he knows the kind of hard work in store there; hard labor that his body can no longer accomplish. Even if he managed to go along and there was an altercation, he’s not sure he could fully protect you in a fight. Feelings of uselessness bubble up inside him.
He opens his mouth to speak, but you suddenly put down a plate and face him, cutting off his train of thought.
”And frankly, Levi, I don’t understand you. First, you told me I was strong and to rely on my friends. Now I’m trying to use my strength and be useful, but you’re against it. The way you talk to me makes me feel like you see me as some helpless, frail woman, when I’m anything but. Or maybe I am, I don’t know.”
You bite your bottom lip. Levi’s noticed that you get emotional when you’re angry. You’re probably trying to hold back tears, in an effort to look strong in front of him.
”I don’t really know who I am. But I’ve done hard things before and I can do it again.”
”Yeah, but this time I won’t be there to save you.”
He didn’t want to have to spell it out for you to make you understand.
But his words don’t have the effect he was expecting. Levi sees your body tense as you furrow your brow. 
“I’m thankful for what you did for me on Mount Aspe, I really am. But don’t hold it over me like some kind of trump card anytime you want to boss me around. I didn’t ask you to save me then and I’m certainly not asking for your opinion now.”
“You’re not listening, Catherine.” He could feel his patience wearing thin.
“Oh, I hear you loud and clear, Levi. You think I need a man to look after me. Well, if it makes you feel better, I’m sure there’ll be lots of young, strong men there that will be more than happy to assist me with whatever I need.” Your voice drips with resentment. 
So that’s how you see him, as some weak, old piece of shit. You probably judge him for escaping the outside world and coming here. His fists clench and he feels defensive for the first time in ages.
“Oh yeah? I didn’t know you were that lonely and desperate for a man that you’d do something this stupid.” 
Shit.
He went too far. He knew it instantly when he saw the look of hurt on your face, tears forming in the corners of your eyes before you blink them away. Your jaw tenses, and something changes in the way you look at him.
”Fuck you, Levi.”
It’s not the first time those three words have been directed toward him, but hearing them come from your mouth, it makes him visibly wince.
You bolt out of the kitchen and head straight for the door.
“I leave in two days, so I need to get packing. Mathieu, Luka will come by with my stable rent payments and to ride Astrid.”
The door slams and then there’s silence. Levi can feel Mathieu scowling at him. 
“What?”
Mathieu rises from his seat and shakes his head. “You can be a real asshole sometimes, you know that?”
——- ✶ ——-
“Asshole,” you mutter under your breath as you trudge through the snow. 
You had a feeling  Levi would react negatively when you told him your plans; it’s why you hesitated saying anything until the last minute. You knew he’d doubt your strength and question the reasoning behind your motives.
But calling you lonely and desperate…that went over the line. It was a deliberate jab.
And it infuriates you even more to admit that he’s right, to some extent. You are lonely. You do want to feel the touch of a man again, to feel wanted and desired.
But that’s not why you’re going to Pulsella. He knows that. He’s just miserable about life and wants everyone else to feel that way. You wonder now what you ever liked about him in the first place.
You’re glad he moved out. The less you see of him the better.
You slam the door and stomp through the living room, startling Max and Albert. 
“Whoa. Everything ok?” Max asks.
”It’s fine,” you reply sharply. “Max, can you take me to the train station in two days?”
”Sure…I just figured Levi would take you..” he answers, each word coming out in hesitance.
”Why would you think that? He doesn’t live here anymore.”
Max scratches his head nervously. “I don’t know..I guess I thought the two of you were…“ you send him a questioning look, “...good friends.”
“Humph,” you scoff, “that man doesn’t want to have any friends.”
Needing to clear your head, you head straight to the kitchen. “I’m gonna bake something.”
But as your hands knead through the dough, you feel the embers of your temper fading. Placing the two loaves of quick bread in the oven, your mind feels even clearer. What Levi had said was hurtful, but maybe you’d been hard on him too. You’d assumed he didn’t trust in you, when maybe he was just worried about you. 
He’d told you he cared for you once. Perhaps that was just his really bad way of showing that. 
You expect him to walk through the door that night, admit his feelings, and apologize for being an ass. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s had to do that.
But he doesn’t come that evening, or the evening after. Your last night at home, you stop looking for him.
Perhaps it’s time you stopped expecting things from Levi that will never be.
——- ✶ ——-
Max stops the wagon in front of the train station. “You be careful out there, Catherine. I promise I’ll keep the guys in line.”
“I’m more worried about who’s gonna keep you in line.” You give Max a quick hug. “I’ll see you in a couple of months. Don’t burn the house down.”
You buy your ticket and walk to the platform, but before you can make it to the train you stop.
Levi stands there, hands in pockets, leaning against a pillar. 
“What are you doing here?” you ask, knowing you can’t just ignore him.
“I had to come into town anyway to run errands for the old man.” His foot kicks a clump of dirt away from your luggage. “I figured I might as well see you off.” He reaches down to grab the handle. “Let me get that.”
Your hand quickly pulls it away. “I can carry it just fine, thanks.”
Levi walks with you silently until you reach the entrance of your train car. You’re not sure which is worse: his awkward silence or his crude remarks. Not wanting to experience either anymore, you decide to end…whatever this is that’s happening.
“Well, I’ll see you in two months. Take care.”
“Wait.”
Levi pulls out a slender knife from his pocket and places it in your hand. “For protection.”
You look down at the wooden handle. “A knife? I don’t need this.”
“It’s a switchblade, and you do need it.” He moves closer to you and puts his hand on yours, guiding your finger to a metal knob on the wooden handle. “This is the safety. You slide this to lock and unlock the knife.”
He then guides you to another button. “Just press this button and the blade pops out.” It opens with a click. “Press down this tab to slide it back into the handle.”
You haven’t felt Levi’s touch since that New Year’s morning and it makes your heart race. His hand lingers on yours, encouraging your fingers to curl around the now warm handle. 
“Just take it. Please.”
Although his lips don’t say, “I’m sorry,” you know him well enough to know that this is his way of apologizing, and to show that he trusts you.
You pull your hand away from his and put it in your pocket, your way of saying that you accept his apology.
“If you’re being attacked, don’t hesitate for a moment to use it. Seconds count in those kinds of situations.”
“I’ll be careful.” You want to say more, but the conductor is yelling for all to board, and passengers begin to push by.
“Just come back safe.” Levi moves away from you slowly. “And bring back that knife. I’ve had it a long time.”
You smile, then board the train. As you find your seat and look out the window, you notice that Levi stays on the platform until the train slowly accelerates out of the station.
——- ✶ ——-
The three day train ride reminded you how big Marley was, and it was hard to believe most of it had been decimated. Trains would only take you so far, however, and Annika said she and her friend would pick you up at the final train station and drive you the rest of the way to Pulsella.
True to her word, Annika stands next to an automobile with a tall man. 
He shakes your hand and gives you a warm smile. 
“So nice to finally meet you, Catherine. I've heard so much about you.”
“I’m Onyankopon.”
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