#since tumblr is for talking to myself that is exactly what im gonna do now

[ranhaitanisgf]

hi hana! congrats on 2k followers once again and if it’s not too much of a bother, i’d like to have a mikey fluff/crack “oblivious best friends” & “stuck together” scenario/hc (whichever works for you) where it was after school hours and everyone in toman is looking for mikey ☺️ i really hope this combination is something new skjdjsjss thank you in advance!! 💕

—manjiro [mikey] sano // oblivious best friends // stuck together

☆ ˎˊ˗ KATIEEE hiiii im sryyy i took sooooo long for this my disappearance from tumblr messed things up 😔 idk how i did on this tbh !! i hope youve been doing well !! and also ur idea was so cutee wahh i hope i did it justice !! xoxo

☆ ˎˊ˗ gn!reader

☆ ˎˊ˗ wc ; 1.5k+

masterlist || 2k masterlist

“...mikey.” 

“yeah?” 

“how long are we gonna stay here?” the boy in front of you hummed, thinking for a moment as he swirled the lollipop in his mouth. 

“until they find us.” you sighed at him, leaning your head back against the wall. you could hear rapid footsteps in the hallway, people running around yelling mikey’s name, unaware of the fact that he was sitting in the classroom they just passed by. 

he hadn’t given you much explanation when he grabbed you and pulled you into the classroom, though you think you have a basic idea of what was going on; all you could say was, it was very mikey.

“so, what exactly is the point in hiding from everyone?” 

“it’s funny!” he grinned, crunching down on his lollipop. “but also ‘cause the doors in this classroom are broken; they only open from the outside, so i’ve been waiting for someone to come by and open them from the outside.”

“huh?! why’d you drag me in here then? wait, how did you even do that?” 

“i dunno, but i just saw you and it was boring here by myself.” he shrugged, not seeming to think it was a big deal. “aaand you’ve skipped out on the last couple of meetings, so i missed you.” he pouted, a childish look on his face. “where were you?!” 

“mikey, i told you weeks ago that i would be busy studying for exams…don’t you remember?” you sighed. “i even texted you before all the meetings that i wouldn’t be coming!” 

“whatever.” mikey said flippantly, the same pout still on his face. “you owe me snacks for not showing up.” 

“okay, okay, just stop making that face.” you said, pulling at mikey’s cheeks. “you’re making me look like a bad person.”

“oi, stahppp, it hurtsss!” he grumbled. you eventually relented, sighing as you looked around the classroom. 

“even being here with someone else is boring. can’t we just leave and go get food?” 

“but i’m testing them! they have to know how to find their leader!” mikey insisted, crossing his arms. 

“but you’re literally hiding from them on purpose. how are they supposed to find you?” 

“they can figure that out themselves!” 

“right…” you answered, giving up on trying to make him see reason. you really were hungry; you hadn’t eaten since you had that milk bread from lunch, which wasn’t a whole lot of food. “if you’re insisting on keeping us here, then you’re gonna pay for my meal after this.” 

“ken-chin will pay for it, but okay!” 

“no, you’re going to pay for it. i don’t care if you’re broke; you deserve to have no money for keeping me here.” 

“hey, that’s so mean!” 

“yeah, and you’re being mean right now by not letting us go so i can eat. i ought to just-” you stood up from where the two of you were sitting to avoid being seen, “-let them see me and then tell them where you are!” mikey’s eyes widened, motioning for you to sit back down, but you stood firm, not moving from your spot. 

“oi, sit down! they have to find me on their own!” 

“no! this is ridiculous! i’m hungry and i shouldn’t have to be kept at school any longer-agh!” while you were talking, mikey grabbed your hand, pulling you down with a surprising amount of strength, making you lose your balance and topple over. 

“urgh, what the hell-...” you suddenly cut off your words when you realized the position you were in. 

because mikey had been sitting right next to your standing form, you had fallen right on top of him, the space between your faces being very small as the two of you stared at each other. the space between your bodies was even less, and you swore that he could feel your quickening heartbeat from how close the two of you were, (you didn’t even want to think about how you could feel the warmth from his body right now). 

you knew that you should probably be clambering off of him right now and bonking him on the head for pulling you down so hard, but for some reason, your body was frozen, not knowing what to do. on the one hand, you knew you probably shouldn’t be staying here for so long, but on the other hand, you wanted him to do or say something, anything, to make you think that he wasn’t just an oblivious teenage boy, (how could he have not noticed your feelings this whole time?!)

“(y/n)...” he whispered, his breath fanning against your cheeks due to your close proximity. 

“y-yeah?” 

“can you get off? you’re kinda heavy.” at his words, you immediately scrambled off of him, your heart beating a million beats per minute, this time due to embarrassment. as soon as he got up, you slapped the back of his head, making him yell a loud ‘ow!’. 

“that’s what you get for pulling me so hard, asshole! i don’t get why you’re so adamant about staying here!” you yelled, feeling more shame and embarrassment than anger. you leaned your head back against the wall, wondering why you thought that anything would be different this time. 

it’s not normal for best friends to have feelings for each other, so why were you mad at him? 

this time, you felt the silence between the two of you to be unbearable, almost enough to make you scream with frustration. you didn’t though, instead choosing to just have your own internal monologue until you could make it out of the classroom. 

“(y/n)-chan? what’s wrong?” 

“nothing, i’m just tired as fuck. wake me up when we get found or whatever.” you murmured, laying down on the floor, not caring about the dust and first getting on your uniform. maybe if you laid down like this, the earth would swallow you up and save you from this embarrassment. 

you weren’t sure how much time passed like that, though you were sure that the silence filled the room for quite a while, only being interrupted by draken and takemichi’s yells in the hallway. suddenly, you heard some shuffling, wondering if maybe mikey was going to give up and let the two of you finally be found. 

you’d already gone too long pretending to be asleep, so even though you wanted to see what mikey was doing, you didn’t make a peep even when you could feel him getting closer to you. 

what is he doing? 

your question was answered just a moment later when you felt his hand on your cheek, brushing some of your hair out of your face, (you were hoping that your cheeks weren’t getting flushed right about now). 

“hm, i was able to hold back this time, but you really test me sometimes, (y/n).” after that, you felt his hand pull away, leaving you in much more confusion than before. what in the world was he talking about? 

a few minutes later, you heard him opening the window to the classroom, yelling for draken. when he arrived, he started chewing mikey out for disappearing for so long, which was when you decided to ‘wake up’. 

“hmm, you finally decided to give up that little stunt, mikey?” you asked, standing up and rubbing your eyes to make it seem like you were actually sleeping. “took you long enough.” 

“it got more boring sitting there since you fell asleep.” mikey answered, shrugging his shoulders. he kept the same lighthearted expression on his face as he started to get another earful from draken.

“you did this on purpose?! we’ve got stuff to do!!” he yelled, his face twisted in frustration. “it’s been a whole goddamn hour!!” 

“sorry, sorry.” 

you walked away from the two over to the door, trying to open it just to see. much to your surprise, it opened up, not showing any sign of the locked issue that mikey had claimed it’d had earlier. 

when you looked over at him, all he did was shrug, a smug smirk on his face. 

“you little shit! it was open this whole time?! i’m gonna actually kill you this time!!” you yelled, running at mikey. he swiftly dodged you and went out the door behind you, running into the hallway to get away from you. 

“catch me if you can!!” you heard him tease in the distance, fueling your anger even more. 

“when i catch you, it’s so over for you!!” you shouted, sprinting out of the classroom after him. 

as you chased him, he looked back at you, laughing and saying something that you couldn’t catch. despite the fact that you were acting so mad at him right now, you couldn’t help but admire how the light from the sunset reflected off of his skin, highlighting his playful smile and blonde locks bouncing in the air. 

you supposed that this was fine, for now. 

(mikey ended up paying for your entire meal out of his own pocket, leaving him with 200 yen to his name).

[xoxocyn]

my disappearance ♡

hiii this is cynthia most commonly known as gentlehue/jgracie/irlangelics <3 i wasnt gonna make a post like this for reasons i'll go thru under the cut but after having three of you reach out to me on pinterest i thought it'd be unfair to leave everyone in the dark 💗 tagging @luvusrry @findmeonvenus / @daystarpoet and @bloodwrittenletters thank u for checking up on me lovelies xx

okay so the main reason i deactivated yesterday was because i realised being on here was negatively impacting my productivity LOL as you all probably know (because i never shut up about it) im in my second to last year of high school and everything i do now and next year is what has the largest impact on what uni i get into which then has a pretty big impact on where i end up in the future basically LMAO 😭 my life is so busy these days between doing the whole ib itself which im still getting used to since the british system is so structured and tells you exactly what to do in comparison to ib where a lot of it is you doing your own thing & prepping for uni by researching diff courses and the lnat which is an exam i'll have to sit in order to apply to study law & also getting back into all my extracurricular/picking up new ones which is another thing i have to get used to since im SUCH an academically oriented person & a BUNCHHH of other things i wont be getting into rn 😭 and so i cannot afford to be lounging around in any way whatsoever right now!! this is the socmed app i spend the most time on and i tend to tell myself its ok cause im not replying to notifs im just scrolling which is so silly LOL but i need to eliminate that from my life soooo i left

a mini second reason why i left is smth thats gonna be rly hard for me to explain here & im pretty sure probs has smth to do w my ocd (another thing i dont rly like to talk ab that much so idk how many of u know this) but i have this thing where if something negatively impacts me or like if i have a negative association w it it becomes "imperfect" and i acc cannot have it around me like it physically disgusts me and i cant function or think or anything 😭 and thats what was happening w my tumblr account because of how it caused me soooo much procrastination and so little work done 😣 soz if this doesnt make any sense or if its weird but its smth ive had for years now and am slowly working on 😭 my perfectionism is so horrible too and tumblr makes it worse cause im always overthinking what my feed looks like 😫 like i cant have too many talking posts or too many asks or too many reblogs and im always doing them in a way that balances it out in my head and i spiral so bad over it 🙁

ANOTHER reason (wow lots of reasons) is cause ive begun to enjoy my real life so so much these days and dont want to be distracted by being online 😭 i love my friend group i love sixth form i love having a crush i love it all! a lot of my friends r graduating this year as well and so i probs wont be seeing them as often afterwards cause obvs theyre not all applying to unis in our city let alone our country !!! i dont wanna take this year for granted at ALL cause i'll so regret it if i do :(

the second thing im addressing is why i left w out saying anything LOL basically i knew if i posted smth and said my goodbyes i wouldn't commit to it at all 😭 and i need to seriously be disciplined w myself these days if i wanna be rich and traveling the world in 10 years 🫡

i dont know if i'll ever come back but im so so happy i got to know u all whether u knew me from jgracie or discovered me later on after i abandoned her im so glad i got to call u my lovely friends :) i carry a piece of you all wherever i go ♡ you know you'll always know me! i wont deactivate this account but i wont be active on it either unless i decide to fully come back, but if u send me an ask within this week i'll answer it xx

for those of you who are worried about my fics on jgracie, i made a backup account back in the summer and everything ive ever written is reblogged over there :) @cynarchives

[scummrevisited]

tumblr is NOT letting me answer this ask directly for some reason so i screencapped it HDFHDG anyways here goes

i vagguelly knew abt otherkin stuff beforehand but that was like. very vague and more in the lense of "eww cringe" bc that was all that was talked abt it

fast forward to me being 16 or so (maybe 17?) and i decide that today on www.tumblr.com im gonna go through the werewolf tag, and between all the art and poems abt werewolves i view a few werewolfkin posts and i go "huh.. thats interesting" bc i only vaguely heard of it but never really looked into it

so i dip my toes into it, and fall into the lake completely, and now im here

from which i will give some advice:

disclaimer: most of this advice comes from a psychological kin perspective, for spiritual stuff i can gather some info if you ask me but overall im not spiritual kin

1: sometimes the answer is not too clear, being alterhuman can stem from many reasons and overlap with many other things, furryness, autism, psychosis, spiritual beliefs, familiarity and importance to an animal or myth, a lot can play into it! for some beings, the experiences are very separate from each other, for others, they may cause each other or be linked or overlap, it can all depend and change around, so dont stress too much on whats what, but if you wish, you can play around and see what belongs to what, ive had the fact im a furry sometimes overlap with the fact im otherkin, and even fuel each other, but i still see them as separate identities, its all a big complicated soup. and i will say to just fuck around and see what labels you see fit

figuring out your kintype can take a while, and its not uncommon that what you first consider to be your kintype may not be the one that you actually feel you are. for example my first through upon discovering kin stuff was that i may be a cat, ive loved cats since i was practically born, ive always wanted to be a cat and themed myself around cats, hell my fursona is a cat! turns out im not one, ive tried and figured stuff out and experimented and well a cat just wasnt it. from this i'd just say to explore different animals or mythic beasts or types of robot etc etc

from that, what has helped me personally to figure out kintype stuff is to see what you desire feel and act, what kind of environment do you crave for? forests? mountains? deserts? theres a lot! what do you wish your body looked like? everyone talks about wanting claws and fangs and such but really think about it, what do you want for your body? what would make you happier? what would make you see your body more as your true self? any particular diet you have or wish to have? any behaviors you've derived from a being? maybe you hiss maybe you bark maybe you knead. do you feel limbs that arent there? such as ears? tails? horns? just look around outside and inside to see what you crave what you do what you want and such

one thing that i did while trying to figure out kin stuff was to just. draw how i view myself in my mind, and not concentrate on design or what i like and dislike on character designs, just like, draw what comes to mind on an "ideal body", you shift around features from the vague idea of who you are in your mind, draw different tails draw different snouts draw different body shapes, and see what fits and sticks, sometimes you can land on yes "thats exactly me", sometimes you can land on "its a vague idea of me but can aid me in figuring it out". thats kinda how it lead to me figuring out im primatekin, i had multiple different attempts and sketches of what i think i look like in my mind, and i just kept going until much trial and error later i found something. it went from "humanoid?" to "halfly animal-like" to "has a long tail" to "small and expressive" and eventually to a primate! (and thats how my mizamonkey design came to be QSHFHD). again for some this may bring a concrete design while to others it may be just a vague guide, not every tip works for everyone.

despite a few points ago where i stated that being obsessed with an animal or myth doesnt always equal to it being your kintype, it sometimes can be! and its sometimes how kintypes can originate to people (if we're taking the psychological otherkin route, this doesnt work too well with spiritual otherkin). sometimes youre just so obsessed and interested with an animal or myth or fiction trope that your brain kinda, adopts it for your identity. this is what happened to me for werewolves, since i was a wee lad ive been OBSESSED with werewolves and i read about them and drew about them and made stories about them that my brain has seemingly just. grabbed it and went "thats you". so look into your childhood or current state of living and see what animals and beings and such you connect with! again just as a few points ago, it doesnt always mean its your kintype, but it can be!

being alterhuman is different for everyone, i sometimes still think of this message i saw ages ago that went "ask 10 therians what being a therian means for them, and you get 11 different answers", so just because this otherkin experiences xyz, doesnt mean everyone does, and vice versa! i used to have a lot of stress about this bc i felt like i was a faker bc i didnt experience like others but after a while i managed to mellow out on it and its making me feel better!

related to that i would be careful about the resources you seek out bc from my experience seeking out resources has been a very 50/50, some tips and advice is great! while others are just why would you follow that. use your critical mind and see what suits you and what helps you.

this is more a personal opinion but i feel like the whole "choosing your kintype" debacle doesnt have a correct and concrete answer. to me if you were to just choose whatever kintype you want it may not actually be the kintype you feel like you are. i would absolutely choose to be a wolverine if i could! but it just doesnt align with my kintype and i cant force it as my kintype even if i tried. i would say that you can "try out" kintypes to see if it fits, its all about experimenting after all. its just that for most, its not as easy as pick and choose. its mainly bc your freely chosen kintype may just not be who you are, if you wanna choose a kintype either way, the community has adopted the term "copinglink" for such. for most alterhumans they did not choose their kintype. again its about trial and error

overall its going to be a lot of trial and error to figure stuff out. it took me 2 years to finally land on my proper kintypes! you may find kintypes and you may drop them. you may find yourself to not be otherkin after all! if you want more personal tips and questions you can message me here or on discord! (but i prefer discord bc tumblrs dm system is kinda cramped and buggy).

[urvirtualdoll]

since the situation is kinda fucked, obviously we all know how we are believing him instead of the other victims so, time to not keep a promise for the first time and share some knowledge.

it’s probably gonna be quite long so good luck with that.

first off basic thing to consider : no matter why you are using the word “yandere” and be on this side of tumblr, yandere is at first and mostly a word only there to describe a person not able to control their obsession and their behavior towards it. it’s a cooping word for A LOT of mentally ill persons, especially bpd persons. so don’t forget that atp the vast majority of people here are in fact ill, they can’t control their obsession, the emotions linked to it etc. in fact bc of that they are the perfect target when you want someone to obsess over you all that shit. to be clear : you can love obsession, you can be obsessive, all that, it doesn’t change the fact that you don’t know how it is to actually be ill.

now that it’s cleared up, let’s talk about the danger in our own community. it’s well known for more than 6months right now that there is some people on the yan side who are actually using mentally unstable people to obtain what they want. im gonna be very clear : obsession, devotion, everything, bc they love that, idealized that even. fetishized maybe tbh. idk. i will not assume anything just in case. the problem is that when those persons are getting tired or attracted by the new little not popular acc who will make the perfect new toy : they are actually ruining you like you are nothing. it’s not only very dangerous because we are again talking abt mostly bpd persons you are abandoning so literally triggering their illness, but also manipulative and shitty and showing in facts that you are not like us. you are not real. and it’s a danger for us in our community. we don’t need that, people are struggling enough.

now the pattern : it’s always the same. i can describe it by heart and that’s the worst part, but it’s for another post with actual evidences and shit. at least no one will be able to say they weren’t warned. i didnt listen when you all warned me (shoot out to Roxie and Fawn especially) but you were right. he has changed a little bit the way of doing it because it is focused on one person to be calling out again, but he is using the same pattern so shows AGAIN that he isn’t really meaning. he is actually copy and pasting his wants/fantasies on a person like i already have the proof that he actually used our allegedly plan for our future to use it talking about a new person.

because yes, that’s why im doing that, even if im bombed to fucked my tumblr again, i removed everything before bc he apologized and I wanted to believe that he wasn’t a piece of shit anymore but.. he proved that he still is and he is getting way better at manipulating. he is actually doing that to a girl and I promised myself i will not allow that. i tried to reach out to her but he has manipulated her too much already so she blocked me. dnt get me wrong i understand, she is ill, she is experiencing that for the first time of her life probably and she is new on this yan side : exactly what i was months ago when i didn’t listen. its not on a her, i will actually not named her. but i hope that she will go away soon enough to not experienced what I experienced or any of you but im sure it will not be like that. no matter what im gonna try.

thatonedeadboi is very good to make himself looks like the poor guy not understanding what is happening and all that shit. actually ? he never even wanted to apologized, i schooled him for hours lmao regarding the situation before his whole “i regret” phase. he is posing as a devoted, possessive, stalker and shit. first off stalker ? lmao not at all, i can tell yall. devoted and possessive ? he was copy pasting lines to at least 5 persons at the same times saying he was obsessed and shit, literally proving himself to not be like us lmao. condoning everything irl and being an honest man and all that ? he literally promised me so many things he never kept, also ignored my illnesses and abandoned me knowing the medical consequences of it : he wants to be a psychiatric nurse. wake up. it’s dangerous as hell. i also tried to kill myself when he dumped me out of nowhere two hours after saying he was loving me and that i was the love of his life and blocked me from everywhere : yes again showing he is not a real mentally ill obsessive person who can’t control their things and shit but just a basic cis guy using mentally ill people to feel things before jumping to another over and over.

so please, be careful. his fucking tumblr and instagram and Facebook should be terminated because he is using that (fb before, a little instagram before, mostly tumblr for months) to find new victims and since he isn’t learning, guess it’s my job bc im the only one with all those proofs, to warn you all and to try to make sure that guy will seek help to not be like that anymore, change his carrier choice bc it’s a fucking danger, and leave mentally ill people alone please.

last thing : sexually he is dangerous as well. i will not shut my mouth about that. he is pretending to be grossed out by sexual assault and shit, but he has done some pretty shitty stuff with me that i can prove. like : he actually dumped me, started to talk to that girl but told me he wanted to try again with me and made sexual comments about me, I said i will not do anything without being official again and not matter that the next morning he talked abt it again saying he was hard because of me. i have the proof of that and to be clear : he is aware that i was rapped multiple times. that i was used by my ex boyfriend, that im deeply traumatized regarding that topic but no matter he was already trying to have a thing with that girl he actually on the side said stuff while calling me. dangerous behavior again.

i’ve always said im not a liar, i hurted him before bc of my behavior bc im a human and i have no problem to acknowledge that, but thatonedeadboi is actually dangerous for people with certain mental illnesses. u can be mentally ill it doesnt forbid you to be a piece of shit boy. for real. it’s not an excuse.

Thank you it was my ted talk lmao. Im gonna try to make shorter post, with proofs : the pattern like what he is saying to you and shit. The danger regarding the sexual shitty behavior. And the fact that he is not safe for mentally ill people. After that you will do whatever you want but at least i would have done my job.

[kaleidoscopic-quiddity]

ok wait now i wanna talk abt weird/interesting things from my experience getting top surgery. ive seen other ppl talk abt some of these things b4 but not all of em

i thought my surgeon was gonna do the incision, like, underneath the curve of my tiddies?? he ended up kinda slicing thru the middle of them, so my scars run over the middle of my pecs, not underneath them

speaking of; ig my pecs are more developed than i thought since my chest isnt like perfectly flat but rather both my pecs have a layer of fat/flesh on them and i can feel the muscle underneath

also the dip/space inbetween from when i had tiddies looks p much exactly the same, my surgeon said sometimes it ends up buldging out and a revision is needed but thankfully that didnt happen to me

the discharge nurse let me know afterwards that my tits were 11 kilograms (right 6kg and left 5kg) like no fucking wonder i have back pain at the tender age of 19

so yknow how pain raises ur body temp and makes u sweat?? immediately upon waking up i was so warm and damp i told a nurse id soiled myself and needed a change of underwear, i hadnt! i was just really fucking sweaty lol

i also threw up twice after waking up (fortunately into containers both times), turns out anesthetic doesnt agree w/ me, also it was like a dark bottle green?? since id been fasting from the night b4 ig i was bringing up nothing but bile

pre-surgery they cldnt get the IV in my left hand and had to switch to my right and ig that made my heart rate pick up bc one of the asistants immediately came by my head and talked to me to calm me down, he was rlly nice :)

im p sure i conked out within seconds of them getting the IV in and starting up the anesthetic too, none of that 'count back from 10' shit, i took like 2 and a half deep breathes and was OUT

from a combination of the iodine and natural swelling/bruising my chest looked REALLY yellow for like 3 weeks after surgery

i got sent home the same day i got my surgery, they keep some ppl over night if theres complications but apparantly i was all good to go after resting in the post-op ward for few hours

speaking of, i woke up, puked, got some water, dicked around on tumblr, called my mum, took an 'i lived bitch' selfie, slept for a few hours, woke up, went on tumblr again, got dressed w/ some help from a nurse, pissed (by myself, woo!), and then got discharged

my scars are uneven! my left incision goes further under my armpit than my right one, and my scars vary in thickness, it actually looks kinda like ive got two scars on my left side bc it thins out so much in the middle for a few milimeters

my nipples are also a lil uneven and they ended up puckering up as they healed so i kinda looks like ive always got stiff nips oops, also theyre more brown than pink

apparantly that might be bc they took the nipple graft from my areaola bc they werent able to graft the actual nipple, idk ¯_(ツ)_/¯, obvi it doesnt look perfectly like a cis guy's nipples but i knew the chances of achieving that were relatively small + p dependent on how i healed so like im not too bothered by it

my surgeon used dissolvable stitches and one of em ended up poking out thru my scar a lil b4 it disolved, which was weird

showering w/ a plastic sandwich bag duct taped to ur chest so u dont get ur scars and nips wet is An Experience TM i'll tell u that

my scars stretched!! it happens!! esp if u raise ur arms, which u will inevitably have to do eventually, idk if they'll ever fade on their own or if i'll need scar revision treatment in the future but fortunately they didnt go keloid

my surgeon used what he called crosshatched stitching rather than drains so that saved me a lot of discomfort, i DID get a slight build up of like, i think around 40ish mls of fluid in my left side a few weeks after surgery, but my surgeon dealt w/ it by p much just poking it w/ a syringe and draining it out lol

which i didnt even feel him do at the time bc of the nerve damage lmao, which was weird asf since i could very much SEE him sticking the needle in but couldnt feel it at all

i regained my mobility like, straight away?? my surgeon said bc im young + relatively healthy it was likely that id bounce back from surgery quick but like,, i had none of the exhaustion, pain, or immobility ive seen ppl describe??

i couldnt lift my arms very high for a while obvi but like i was fine dressing myself and even washing my own hair if i just leaned over

having to sleep upright for a few weeks after surgery was v annoying since i usually rotate like a shawarma trying to find a comfy sleeping position

the post-op chest binder was sensory hell bc it was scratchy and it kept slipping down my back since it had no shoulder straps, also i accidentally bruised my ribs a lil bit by wearing it too tight oops, the fuckin relief i felt when they told me i cld stop wearing it

the post-op 'please wear these at all times so u dont get thrombosis' socks were p comfy tho, idk why they didnt cover my toes tho

regaining the sensation around ur scars is weird! my right side's been completely fine but ig bc my left scar is thicker + longer ive been getting some pain n tightness, its not a persistent issue or anything but its just kind weird bc ive never had any surgeries or major injuries to heal from before this one

u will have to get ur boobs felt up and examined probaby multiple times b4 surgery, this will feel very different from touching ur own boobs and, in my case, was ticklish??

my posture has improved somewhat since getting top surgey, what not having 11kg of weight hanging off ur chest and compressing it in towards ur ribs/spine for roughly 9 hours a day will do to a mf ig

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

diiary 2/25/2023

okayyy i been needing to write a longform post for a while! just to chronicle some thoughts in a cohesive way. & getting straight to the point: i'm realizing there is very little, if ANY payoff, to being an artist online. i'm not talking about money. im talking about the way it's like, the more ppl start to see you as an "artist", the more they feel like ur some kind of public figure they can lash out at w no repercussions. ur humanity is just wiped from their minds. i don't have some huge following by any means but for ME its gotten big since in the past i've been a serial deleter. usually at 800 followers im gone.

i love being creative & sharing for the sake of sharing but i deeply fear any kind of spotlight. since i came back onto tumblr i made the pledge to myself not to delete my account if it started growing but now im having second thoughts!! well i'll never delete this account cus im too sentimental but part of me just wants to stop posting in the ways i tend to do. like maube im too forthcoming & need to slink back into the shadows a bit. because i don't want to stop contributing art & music to the world but idk how to protect my heart.

like it's so crazy to me that artists are expected to b these idealistic icons of everything the viewer represents & if they make a single mistake its like fuck we better launch a pUBLIC HARASSMENT CAMPAIGN!! genuinely like, how are people supposed to want to put themselves out there when the climate is so hostile? it has got me feelin rly nihilistic i must admit. trying to put nice stuff into the world shld not be generating drama for me, especially when it's just my hobby & not even my "career".

for a while ive had no idea what to do for work or how to generate income in a way that works for me but honestly? im gonna bite the bullet & do some coding bootcamps so i can try n get a remote job doing some tech shit & making a fat salary. i guess i never rly considerd it before cus all the silicon valley stuff susses me out but idk. im naturally really good at code + my only real dream in life is to be able to support others & redistribute wealth. like ive never had anything of my own to share but if i could actually do this & become the secure+charitable person i wish to be, i think i cld finally have some inner peace/sense of fulfillment. plus i cld still be a recluse ^_^

ok well i guess that my diary entry for now. im rly grateful to everyone on this site who is genuine & respectful towards me. i am really enjoying all my creative projects right now & i just dont want it to ever stop being fun just because the internet doesnt want it to be fun for me. i seriously wonder why artists are the number one targets right now, i mean not to get too conspiratorial but like, this is exactly what the CIA wants :/ wahtever....i have no agenda other than plur. but yeah, i might just start to distance myself more from posting anything other than my work. we'll see. just kno that i dnt want it to b this way. ilu guys

[noa-nightingale]

Hii noaa! If u remember im the anon who have hyperfixation on worth it. Im not gonna lie to you i missed worth it so much. It is still my hyperfixation til this very day. While im sad about worth it ending and i tried to be positive about it. Looking to the worthitupdates blog not being active still sadden me to this very core. ( i find out it has not been active since june / july ( ?? ) Because i looked throught steven instagram and theres no post of his august pic being posted )

But honestly hope the person who runs the worthitupdates account are well, i really do hope they know that they have been the highlight of my life since well forever.

I also hope people who enjoys worth it before and still now, knows that we truly are a community who loves foods and the ways it can bring people together.

I hope steven and andrew, while now maybe not together working a show, can look back at this and see that they bring so much love to this show that we cherish.

I think back then, i genuinely am sad and feels helpless when they announce worth it finale. But now i can see the show and the community is like an old restaurant that you see everytime you take a walk around your neighborhood, it is now no longer working but you can see that it is being well taken care off. There is no sign of ruins and the bushes and plants grows well within the cracks in the walls. And there someone who is nostalgic next to you about the old restaurant, and they tells you exactly why and you understand and take the slice of apple from their palm.

Hope u have a good day noaa!

Hey anon, yes I remember! :D Love hearing from you again, and I also always love talking about Steven.

I miss Worth It a lot. When it ended I think I tried to stay positive and tell myself that many many people still love it, even if it did not get the big send-off that Unsolved got. And while I am actually a little sad about that, I know that people still love it, and you are the best example for that. It obviously means a lot to you, and I think that is beautiful. I don't really follow what Andrew and Adam are up to these days (although I am very happy that Adam already has worked with Watcher and will again) but I am very very sure that Steven knows how much people care about Worth It.

I hope you are doing okay, even with worthitupdates not being active anymore. I don't really have hyperfixations but I have Special Interests and I honestly would not know what to do with myself if Watcher somehow vanished. I am sorry that it is affecting you so much and I hope that you can still get joy out of the Worth It content that is still there, even if there is no new content coming out. Your old restaurant imagery is so beautiful and I am happy for you that you can see it like that. <3

I always always ALWAYS love to hear from people who love Worth It, I know there are many more people, and there will always be more people who are not writing about it on tumblr or elsewhere, but who still cherish and adore it deeply.

Thank you so much for writing to me. I hope your life is peaceful and filled with meaning, and that you are happy.

Cheers, Steven anon! <3

[cosmicdream222]

Hey , while doing void EFT tapping I see my limited belief came up and that is - " I need to affirm for wake in void state awake because we always enter in void state but we just aren't aware " actually I get this from Tumblr. Just now I'm doing EFT tapping for the 2nd time and it's came up again and again . Yes I do affirm like it's easy to enter and to be aware of void state and all . But I'm asking should I continue with affirmation that I use today with aware word Or should I not notice this because this belief came up while I'm doing positive affirmations otherwise for other sessions it's pretty good and while I do negative vaunt my brain literally says it's wrong and I wake up in void , my brain even see me images me in the void and for that to be very very honest I try to imagine myself in void many times but I just can't imagine it but now when my mind is showing it , I was like bro I have pretty good thoughts about void state. And yes when I say it's difficult my mind automatically says it's so easy what are you even talking about. It's so much fun . I literally smile the whole session while watching how my mind or say subconscious response to my negative affirmations but I have 1 belief that I have say wake up aware because we always enter in it .

So what do you think about it . Is it even a limited belief or not in the very first place , I don't know that to be very honest but my mind says that I have affirm for wake up aware but every time I'm close to void i was always aware . Even if I sleep i literally wake up and completely conscious when I'm close to void like I feel me going in vacuum or even floating and 1 time I even feel I'm started to fly and I'm not on my bed and then yaa I'm scared. I don't know if I should say this but I just remember I get near void so many times it's like if I stop or control for 1 more second im gonna be in void but guess what happens - one time I'm under covers so I'm short of breath . , next time got scared, next time I feel myself so hot it's like I'm sweeting so hard and this time I have void symptoms 2 times back to back and I was just like - I'm not gonna go in void , I don't care just awake up it's so hot and suffocating. So i just woke up . Can you imagine so so close to void even I can feel that . So for that should I use some extra affirmations for void if yes then can you recommend or should I just go with the affirmations that you provide us with EFT tapping.

Sorry it's so long and I wrote about my experience in it . But to be honest i understand from the last attempt that we always get what we command no other way around like i just said and I came out and woke up instantly like both ng is happening .

Hey thank you for sharing your experience! That’s so great that you noticed those limiting beliefs don’t affect you anymore. You have a lot of good self awareness! It sounds like you’re doing tapping exactly right and that is what you can expect to happen.

Since my script was just for basic general limiting beliefs, it cleared out all the stuff that doesn’t matter and showed you the stuff that is bothering you. So if my script was level 1, now you’ve figured out level 2. All of that stuff you just typed out, your experience with getting so close and how frustrating that is, fear of entering the void, your questioning affirming for waking up in the void or not - that’s what you should tap on next!

Once you tap on those things that came up, you can expect to find more clarity on what you should do next, just like you did here.

[erasawordsmithofsorts]

hey everybody! (an intro post)

howdy! i wanted to make a little post to talk about myself. let you get to know me a little, like what my interests are outside of 5sos, fun facts about me, etc! c:

introduction to me:

so, you can call me era! that isnt my real name, but we're gonna call it a penname for now. im sixteen, and currently i live with my mother. my favorite color is red (and two very specific shades of brown and blue), and i am in ashton's lane. i've been in the 5sosfam for around ten years now, obviously i havent been active in the fandom for ten years but i have been listening to them for that long! yes, i have been in ashton's lane since the very beginning.

my musical interests outside of 5sos include bands like slipknot, metallica, foo fighters, all time low, lana del rey, ac/dc, ad infitium, palaye royale, ashton's solo stuff, luke's solo stuff, twenty one pilots, and many more! i play the piano, ukulele, i took vocal lessons for three years, and i'm learning guitar and drums :). i'm starting a band with one of my closest friends, and we haven't really decided on a name yet.

i LOVE supernatural. it is one of my all time favorite shows. i have every season up to the last one memorized word for word. you give me a synopsis and i can recite it. i love twilight, i have almost all of the books. i am so normal about greek mythology, sooo normal. i totally do not rant and rave about how hades is NOT the god of death, he's the god of THE DEAD. i would NEVER.

i think that covers everything about me! moving on c:

introduction to this blog:

so! i wanted to finally dive back into the tumblr side of 5sos. i don't know exactly what i want this blog to be about, but i think i want it to have everything. i'll do photo dumps of the band, talk about the band, i might repost fics and stuff on here, who knows!

send in confessions relating to the band and i'll post them! this blog is gonna be a safehaven from everyone. i dont care if youre new to the family or what, youre welcome here. no matter your gender, race, sexuality, religion... whatever, youre welcome here as long as youre a decent being.

im mainly gonna post about old 5sos! but i will post about everything 5sos related, just mainly old stuff :)

welcome to the blog guys c: -era

[mostspecialgirl]

Insiders (2023) - redrawn from 2019

(rambling under the cut)

thank you tumblr for compressing my image down to disgusting crusty poop pixels on the app

i love to do a new big reference piece for my babies every few years, and the time has finally come due… and WOW !!! LOOK AT THAT IMPROVEMENT !!! everyone looks Normal And Alive and Non Bugeyed !!! everyone is a little less pasty white (im talking about you, tanith) !!! i think they all show a lil bit of nice personality in their faces now too which is lovely for me. i love to see my children happy. now to write about each of them

angelo’s line art has the least effort into it here and i was GONNA redraw him but honestly if anyone is going to look like a scrunkly little bug IT IS GOING TO BE HIM !!!!!! It’s been a minute since i’ve drawn his body-saws and on a whim i made them red AND !!! IT WORKS !!! I’M A FAN !!! i think he’s due for a main-outfit change though. not sure. i struggled with finding him a natural-looking skin color too because i’ve slowly made him as a person less undead-corpse-like and i think i’ve found a good spot. for now.

i pulled the perfect angora out of my mind and honestly i am shocked at what i have created. she looks so sweet and kind and innocent here (as she should) that to any unfamiliar observers you’d be hard pressed to tell she’s a big lazy gross vulgar piece of shit rat of a fishwoman. and that is EXACTLY how it should be. i have lost the plot for too long, giving her more sharp edges and a hunched back and wild expressions, but the standard angora really should be deceptively pretty. because that’s my girl.

Mila looks great as always. What more can I say? She’s always perfect. I had fun giving her lips for the first time!

AMPH … MY ADISHESHA … (slamming my fist down) I’ve finally perfected him… isn’t he pretty? isn’t he so pretty? I chose to draw him in his naga/incarnated form instead of the shadow form this time because i wasn’t lazy. I decided to throw a big coat on him, originally intended to be more lab coat-y, but influenced by how fucking cold it is outside i allowed myself to give him a big fur collared one. because if you can’t tell i love giving characters though. i think it worked out well for AMPH here, and now I have to be putting him in all sorts of cowls and capes until the end of time.

TANITH !!!!!!!! GGGGYRRRRAAAAHHHHH!!!! LOOK AT MY GIRL !!!!!!! I’M FERAL OVER THIS!!!!!! LOOK AT MY IMPROVEMENT !!!!!!! it’s been a hot minute since i’ve colored her, but i changed her palette in my mind a while ago AND looking at it here ? existing ? i’ve done it again. My lovely little sword daughter … i know i JUST doodled her but christ something was in the water here because SHE LOOKS SO GOOD. this is the best ive drawn any of them. i gave her some nice clothes this time instead of her usual big t-shirt because i realized i only gave her that in the past because i didn’t know how to draw clothes.

speaking of “best ive ever drawn any of them” somnus … THIS IS HIM … i’ve gotten close to capturing him in all the times i’ve drawn him but i think i’ve finally pinned him down here. and of course, he’s hitting the same pose as his wife because they’re cute like that. i ripped his colors straight from the solo reference piece i made for him a while back which has held up quite wonderfully.

FINALLY !!! SETH IS HERE !!! HE HAS ARRIVED IN PROPER INSIDERS GROUP ART !!! he looks pretty good here. i think he could still look BETTER, but for the purpose of having a nice group reference piece he looks pretty great i think. I struggled pinning down some colors for his clothes and was pretty lazy with the Purple Under His Hair That Glows BUT WHO CARES !!!! LOOKS GOOD TO ME !!! LOOK AT MY HANDSOME SON !!! i also decided to stick his full name on here that i’ve kept vaulted up for the reason that i’ve never had to put it anywhere before. if you know why he has “-zoe adamiel” as his chosen full name, congrats, you’re a huge fucking nerd.

eventually, i’m probably going to tack daisy, kane, sampi and demiurge onto the right side of this piece, but that’s for another day down the line. thanks for reading!

[bbarican]

june 04, 2023; 8:46 pm - should we just keep driving?

hi tumblr! how are you guys doing? how was everyone’s weekend? ako, im ready to talk about my date yesterday so if youre bored and you wanna join me in dissecting the events of yesterday’s date then please feel free to read along

we met up in coffee academics and it felt almost nostalgic seeing him again? kasi the last time we saw each other was early 2022 and alot has happened since then and i ultimately felt like “im so glad he’s meeting this version of myself naman”

it was really fun, like it was so good to remember how fun it actually is whenever we’re together; ang ingay niya, pero ako rin, tapos ang kulit namin saka ang gulo ng mga topics namin and i enjoyed every single bit of it, we talked about serious stuff as in we really wanted to know kung anong nagbago samin and also we were talking about aliens and weird stuff like that basta tawa kami ng tawa

he was nice enough to go with me to atc to buy food for my family and back to molito again kasi he was parked there

we ended up hanging out a bit sa car niya for a bit in the same parking spot just talking and listening to music and eventually thinking of somewhere else to go kasi nga we didnt want to go home pa naman; he also asked if i still remember the name he gave his car and ofcourse i still remembered it and i dont think im ever gonna not remember it

we ended up going to a more quiet parking spot away from the malls and just remembering everything now is making me emotional?

he opened up the back door of his car (the type na paside yung open ng door) and we just talked - we talked for hours as in we were there from siguro 7 pm to 11 pm just talking

okay so ofcourse there was some flirting and i loved every bit of it and he was really touchy which i really loved too pero the fact na he initiated converstations really had me feeling really good and fuzzy inside? i was telling my bestfriends na it felt so refreshing to just talk to someone about everything and anything after months of just keeping everything to myself

we laughed lot - i cant explain why or how but this is so important to me, and i think im craving this more than sex?

we did end up making out but again that was just the cherry on top of everything else just being so good

but there are things na i got to take away from my our date last night which i guess would help me from putting a label on how im feeling right now:

he isnt really looking into dating seriously so thats the catch, and tbh i dont know if he ever will be and if im even going to be on his list of people he would even want to consider dating?

with that being said, and i actually told him this din - i actually dont have enough time and energy to wait around for him or for anyone who would be similar to him

kaya ang sakin lang is - im just glad i got to show him who i really am and i hope thats enough for him to see what he could lose if he does end up not pursuing me

im glad na i also got to show him who i am genuinely and im also glad na atleast now, i really know what i want in a relationship

it wouldve been nice if siya yung person na makukuha ko, but atleast he was the one to show me na it is possibe to have the type of relationship na im looking for and that hopefully it will just take some time before i get to have that experience for real and for good

im a bit sad now kasi nga this just proves na stuff like this always and will always rarely happen to me nalang, but im still trying to be as patient and hopefully as i can be

so yeah - i wouldnt say na back to zero ako, but im just glad na everything happened the way it did; its weird too kasi in coffee academics, the neone sign beside me literally stated “youre exactly where you need to be” and i knew that meant something kaaagd

if youve made it to the end of my post, thank you for reading along. ikaw, what do you think? id love to hear your thoughts (tbh just so i stop thinking about all of this) but also id love the company cause everything feels really bittersweet right now

but yeah - i hope the evening goes well for all of us; we all deserve to rest before conquering another week

[starjxsung]

Babe is such a universal thing, I think I’m going to start calling you honey! Honey is one of my personal favorites heheheh

I’m so sorry you went through so much star I hope you’re doing well and I can’t wait for you to be able to make that cake ahhh please send me pics! Also on the applying it’s best to stay in the job your in because it’s so true it’s hard to apply and see if you even get the job especially me as someone who’s still trying to apply and no luck ugh

What’s your love language??? Mine is words of affirmations I love telling people I care that i appreciate them so much

I don’t remember if someone had asked this before but has an anon actually tried to get with you like I know most of anons flirt with you a lot and you flirt with us and we made a mutual connection by even talking out of tumblr but like has an anon actually tried to take your flirting to the next level ie actually thought you were trying to get into a relationship????

A little life update on my end: anxiety really sucks, it’s making me lose sleep by waking up every hour and it’s messing with me a lot making me feel like my friendships are just one sided and that they rather be with other people than me. It’s not helping either that this anon on my tumblr has been saying mean things about me and criticizing the way I write ( it usually doesn’t affect me but rn with how I am mentally it kinda is) but it’s getting so bad that opening my phone and seeing notifications just makes me want to puke

🩶

NO BC HONEY IS SOOO CUUUUUUTE it feels like marriage vibes frfr I love it 🤞🥹

I WILLLL POST PICS OF JILIX CAKE TOMORROW PROBABLY I actually bought one of those mini birthday cakes and it’s been sitting in my fridge for like 3 days so it probably tastes like shit now but it’s SOOOO CUTE IM SO EXCITED 💓 Ughhhhh I know exactly what you mean the job market sucks ASSSSSS rn I just know it’s gonna be an ordeal but I’m definitely still looking at what’s out there and seeing if there’s anything I can transition into that might be a little easier bc my work load right now is the fucking worst :(

Love language HMMMM I think it’s words of affirmation for myself, and then for others I’m really partial to gift giving 💞 I loooove being the kind of person who just finds something cute online and sends it to someone or surprises them w it! I order my sister little desserts sometimes since she lives in another city or sometimes I get random shit for my parents or friends bc it reminds me of them I just love seeing people’s reactions to gifts 🥹

The anon question hahaha yesssss I was in a kinda long situationship type thing w an anon on here and it ended really badly. I truly wish her nothing but the best now and we’re no longer on talking terms, but I’m always grateful for the people I have the pleasure of being in romantic relationships/situationships with even if they end badly ! I hope she finds what she’s looking for eventually

Also I’m so sorry to hear about your anxiety :((( I’m kind of in the same boat rn (literally just picked up my antidepressants today slayyy) but holy fuck wym there’s an anon sending you hate?? Hello?????? That is so fucked up oh my god I’ve gotten my fair share of anon hate on here but please just delete any messages you get and don’t even give them the time of day. It’s so fucked up they’d stoop so low and hide behind an anonymous profile to send hate to random people. What have they even been saying to you? If you need to send me anything privately on discord pls feel free to do so :( I’m so sorry this is happening my love you don’t deserve this at all and it’s gross people would think to do that. I love you so so much please ignore those losers

[abrahamvanhelsings]

whee this one was difficult at times and i was busy so it took me forever. but it was also fun thanks for tagging @maedhrus AND @zaegreus

rules: choose any three fandoms (in random order) and answer the questions, then tag 10 people you want to know better

fandoms: 1. the terror 2. assassin's creed (ezio trilogy) 3. fire emblem three houses

the first character you loved 1. i kind of watched the terror in a stupor and barely had any idea who anyone was. only started to get a feel for the characters when i got to tumblr lmao and i don't even know exactly how but within a couple of days id imprinted completely on little and never looked back 2. eziooo when i was 12 or so i saw a picture of him, thought he was so cool, then learned more about the series, and i remember wanting to be him so viscerally (this was well before i realised this meant i was probably not cis). he's stayed with me ever since 3. dimitri, augh, i saw him in the three houses trailer and i was like !!! im playing blue lions !! and then the blue lions route just smashes you to bits with some incredible emotional, character driven writing. he is my forever fire emblem guy

the character you relate to most 1. neddie... his long-suffering sense of duty... he is like 'i will do my tasks even if it kills me' bc not doing them is worse than anything. me! and a little bit awkward socially but he's got his charms. that's me as well. 2. i still want to look like ezio but my man is nothing like me i don't have that kind of stallion swag. hard to pick one for this actually. i haven't reached brotherhood yet but from what i know of him as an in-game character maybe machiavelli. not that i always agree w/ him but he has a 'practicality over idealism' kind of mindset that i can often recognise in myself as well. 3. i was gonna say dimitri but then i realised nuh uh it's seteth actually. competent paper pusher, doesn't care for frivolities, does talk shit. he'll do his job and he'll do it well. the only reason garreg mach is still standing.

the character you'd slap 1. hickeyyy he is so annoying and i hate him so much and not in the fun way 2. most templars lmao? but cesare borgia. 3. edelgard. whore.

three favorite characters in order of preference 1. edward little (WAUGH), thomas jopson, thomas blanky (he is such a king for being insane from start to finish and being the most suited to the whole situation bc of it) 2. ezio, leonardo da vinci (creature of a guy), im putting desmond here bc he's like if a wet blanket had attitude but i fear this spot will become machiavelli's soon enough. maybe even second place i can feel it. 3. dimitri, sylvain (oooo the playboy character has trauma), seteth

a character you liked at first but don't like anymore 1. crozier in the sense that he was one of the only ones i could identify properly while watching the series and i was kind of neutral on him and then afterwards i realized all sorts of things abt the consequences of his alcoholism and the way he treats the crew and such. and i was like hm. that's not great. like i don't hate him he's a compelling character but i certainly don't applaud him for anything either 2. have not played enough to really put a name in here, it's fairly rare anyhow that i start disliking a character if i already like them. though when mario said 'stop collecting petruccio's feathers for your traumatized mother and put in some real work, go to the blacksmith for the weapon i had made for you' i felt a need for violence. 3. hmm i think claude? i still like him well enough but there's some things abt his goals that didn't rly sit well with me while i was playing through verdant wind bc at the core they still require unification of fódlan and all. and im like hm. inchresting.

a character you did not like at first but now do 1. solomon, i didn't really care for him much at first but now i think he's kind of neat. 2. altaïr i guess. it's cheating a bit cause im including his ac1 version for this answer but i never really cared for him cause he seemed like an asshole. but now im watching the ac1 playthrough and reading his codex pages and im like 'ohh he has a really interesting arc actually i see why everyone's slobbering all over this guy' at least a little bit. 3. idk rhea? cause the game tries very very hard to make her appear sus as hell before timeskip so i was eyeing her the whole time. but now i know the lore so i know better

three OTPs 1. joplittle :) and maybe solittle. and im living in my own personal fitzlittle niche. but this is all very much hydrogen bomb versus coughing babies to me honestly. 2. well of course ezio/leonardo bc that's just what it is, but also ezio/desmond. and altaïr/malik (again it's not really ezio trilogy but idc) bc honest to god altaïr would be NOTHING without malik. that's his personal moral compass. i don't really read fic for them bc most of it is not to my liking but the CONCEPT of them. unreal. also the art people make of them it's like they're auditioning for the sistine chapel 3. dimiclaude, dimivain, ashe/dedue is also very sweet

iii don't have the energy to tag people rn im sorry it's been, and it's going to be, some Weeks unfortunately.

[pekorosu]

just a lil “if ash lived” headcanon that i need to unload somewhere bc i've been holding it in for a long time

- set within the manga ‘verse

- takes place when ash and eiji are in their early 30s... so around the mid 1990s?

- i don’t get the weird animanga trope where older = longer hair, so they’re gonna look the same... maybe with slightly shorter hair bc they get regular haircuts now 

- (note: i've always interpreted long-haired eiji as symbolic of the fact that he couldn't move on from ash’s death)

- ash and eiji will continue living in the states, idk if still in NYC or somewhere else. they’ll move around a lot though.

- ash will mostly remain underground as he had to fake his death after lao’s stab, but he does it in a "hiding in plain sight" kind of way. only a handful of people know he’s still alive.  

- ash spends most of his time on the computer, mostly coding, hacking, being a nerd, among other fun stuff.

- he also takes on “jobs” anonymously, and occasionally from max (who’s still into investigative journalism) when he needs info that can only be obtained through Dubious Means.

- i also like to think that ash's a bit of a hacker robin hood lol. but he isn’t doing it purely out of the goodness of his heart, as part of it is a subconscious need to atone for his “sins” and cleanse the gnawing and persistent feeling of shame that gets amplified when he’s around eiji.

- also whatever he’s up to these days would ofc still be Highly Dangerous and Illegal, but it keeps him busy and would sate the part of him that’s still hungry for adrenaline without him having to engage in stuff like active bloodshed or substance abuse. basically that’s how i imagine he’d try to cope with life the only way he knows.

- eiji continues to do photography and other part time gigs bc he does not like the idea of mooching off ash forever, and he slowly makes a name for himself.

- ash and eiji live together but they are NOT together in a romantic sense... not yet >:)

- therefore eiji will probably date other people in the meantime, which gets a little troublesome bc it's not like he can bring them home to where his secret Very Important Friend is secretly hiding.

- ash will maybe have one-night stands every now and then. or not. idk. this isn’t a very important detail.

- anyway there will be lots of clueless but mutual pining :)

- ash especially, is of the opinion that they should start living separately bc someone will eventually track him down, maybe someone who has a past or present grudge on him. combined with his current activities, it’s only a matter of time before eiji would unwittingly get dragged into his problems again.

- eiji is v adamantly against that plan bc he's sorta developed a debilitating sense of paranoia that ash might just get killed somewhere while he’s not looking. not that ash isn’t paranoid either, but his insecurities often tip the scale over to “eiji is safer away from me” than “with me”.

- basically they’re doing their whole “stay. no, leave. no, stay” dance all over again, but like, dragged out over MANY YEARS.

- you thought eiji’s letter would’ve cleared up any crossed wires? 

- HELL NO

- like yea, there was probably a beautiful honeymoon period of about a year or two after they reunited, before their respective trauma and issues started creeping in and fucking things up again.

- esp on ash’s end, i think he’d engage in a lot of self-sabotage. and eiji is only human, he has his own limits and baggage too.

- there will be a government conspiracy plotline but on a smaller scale compared to canon that i am unfortunately not knowledgeable enough to worldbuild on, but it will probably have something to do with cybercrime/cyberterrorism/stuff like that bc it needs to tie in with ash's hacking shenanigans.

- i've heard that sing ends up becoming some sorta political big shot in yasha? idk, i haven't read it myself, but since china’s rising status was mentioned in GoL i imagine the plot should relate to that somehow.

- therefore sing would also get to be in this story! 

- i guess this means yut-lung would come into the picture at some point as well, and it would be a good opportunity for a redemption arc but i haven’t given it much of a thought bc i’m indifferent to his character orz SORRY.

- look i can’t do plot, but i am basically envisioning a political thriller with a side of slow burn romance (wait, you mean like a rehash of canon?)

- i’m thinking max is the one who kicks off the story by bringing something fishy to ash, and they just end up uncovering more and more and MORE stuff as they keep going.

- so for like 80% of the story, ash and eiji will be separated bc ash will be busy spying or infiltrating something... and being at the center of Plot Things, while max and eiji will be more on the outside dealing with the journalist side of things. i’m fond of max-ash interactions but i’m also REALLY CURIOUS about max-eiji’s dynamic :D

- meanwhile sing will be like, half in and half out i imagine. he's versatile like that lol

- ...i did NOT mean that in a dirty way

- anyway, this will provide ash and eiji ample space to work out their issues separately, as i think living in close quarters for so many years has actually been aggravating them. ofc those issues don’t get 100% resolved by the end, but some time apart from each other to cool off and spend with other people should provide a bit of perspective.

- i want ash to make some NEW FRIENDS (!!!) that are on the same wavelength as him bc there’s only so much that he can tell eiji and i’m sure he gets rather lonely, so there will be OCs that he will meet in the middle of Plot Things.

- ash will get trapped at some point. preferably with sing so they can have a much needed heart-to-heart talk. they’ll have a lot to hash out, ranging from the events in BF, shorter’s and lao’s death, all the way to ash’s love life. 

- btw i like the idea of eiji and sing being close drinking buddies who confide in one another but ash is kinda, justalittle, not very happy about that LOL 

- i mean, it's not like eiji can confide in ash when ash is the topic at hand, ya get me? as for sing, he’s similar to ash in the sense that they live dangerous lives, so i imagine he just finds it nice to be able to hang out with someone mundane like eiji every now and then.

- not to say that ash and sing aren’t talking to each other at all, but i think they’d have a bit of a rift between them. sing probably does feel some resentment, both at ash for killing lao AND at himself bc he knows deep down that given a choice, he would’ve saved ash over his own brother. ash can sense that tortured vibe, so eiji’s like their middle man. AND THAT’S WHY THEY NEED A HEART-TO-HEART TALK

- (SIDE NOTE: i want akira to have a role in this too. i actually have a separate headcanon that happens prior to this story... kinda like an alternate GoL? 

akira goes to the states to visit eiji, but ash is also there, yeah? akira and ash start out sorta prickly with each other bc ash is all weird and standoffish and always cooped up in his room. she probably mistook him as a jobless model mooching off eiji at first since 1) eiji and ibe have never spoken about him back in japan (cuz he’s supposed to be dead), 2) why would eiji be living with some random hot guy? unless they met during one of his photography gigs? right??? 

and then she ends up witnessing them in the middle of a tiff, which makes her not like ash even more bc HOW DARE HE YELL AT POOR OKUMURA-SAN??? UNGRATEFUL JERK!!!

but over the course of her visit, she snoops around learns a bit about their history and gathers hints as to why their r’ship is kinda strained. also ash and akira somehow end up bonding (reluctantly) over their emotional insecurities and part on a friendly rivalry to win over eiji’s affections (which eiji is completely oblivious to. also akira may have been 100% serious but ash was just jokingly playing along with her (OR WAS HE???)). anyway long story short, ash teaches akira some cool tech/IT stuff along the way so that leads to her gaining an interest in the field. 

she won’t be able to do much in this story, but a minor role would be cool :)

 ^ a lighthearted gyoza-making scene amid all the angst)

- (SIDE NOTE #2: i ALSO want cain to feature in this, but bc canon provided very little bg info on him it’s hard for me to figure out where he’d fit. but i suppose that’s precisely why it would be great to include him, since i can just make up my own backstory! lol. for now, i think he should be connected to one of the new OCs to make him more central to the plot. or heck, he can be involved himself! ...yeah, i’m just salty about how cain was treated more like a convenient plot device compared to the other major side characters. we barely know anything about him even though he was one of ash’s most trusted allies. #caindeservedbetter2k20)

- anyway, back to the main story. ash (and his new "friends") barely escape where they’re held hostage. ash would be rusty with combat now as he’s spent the past few years doing only stealth work and being rather sedentary. 

- so there’ll be lotsa old man!ash jokes like them poking fun at him whenever he complains about his back hehe

- when they finally emerge outside they find themselves in the middle of nowhere! they then hijack a passing pickup truck and do a roadtrip back to civilisation. ROAD TRIP FTW

- at this point, quite some time has already passed and ash even has a fuzzy beard and mane and all. he’s standing at the back of the truck with a small smile on his face and the wind blowing in his hair, thinking GONNA GO BACK AND SEE EIJI, MISS HIM LOADS, HELL YEA 

- (bonus: this song and this scene is the catalyst for this entire headcanon btw)

(drew this about a year ago. i was trying to imitate the manga’s art style... and the ash i had in my mind was a little different. i’m too lazy to redraw, but he’s fuzzier now okay! MORE FUZZ! like an actual freakin LION!)

- meanwhile, eiji and max will get into some deep shit around this point? 

- eiji in the pic above was me imagining that the Bad Guys had tossed some damning evidence (eg. severed body part?) on the ground like “ash’s dead/ash’s in a lot of danger now so hand over all the info u have”

- and eiji and max are like. SHOOKETH

- this would be the 3rd time ash has “died” after all, and as they say... 3rd time's the charm...

- eiji almost gives in, but then max spits in their face like fuck no and then... yeah. they get beat up and taken away or something lol

- EDIT: hmm... what if the Bad Guy is someone IN the government, and he uses his power to get eiji and max arrested for aiding and abetting a wanted fugitive (ash). and then ash has to rescue them... JAILBREAK STYLE

- also it might be cool to introduce ash's mom somewhere in this story... maybe SHE'S the villain! mwahaha *drama intensifies*

- anyways they will get saved by ash and gang bc that’s just the way things go, BUT! only on the condition they already made it out at least 80% of the way bc GODDAMN IT👏LET👏EIJI👏BE👏BADASS👏FOR👏ONCE👏 

- (that is, after he overcomes the initial shock of ash possibly being dead again... again...... again............)

- there will ofc be moments of “oh my god, you’re okay” "i thought i lost you...!"

- something like this, because one can never have enough cheesy reunion scenes

- this will eventually lead to REVELATIONS (of the romantic kind, yes) 

- buuuut they will never say "i love you" directly to each other bc ash is too emotionally constipated and eiji is too japanese. it's okay, they will communicate it through heated stares 👀

- i would love for there to be a scene where they have to be separated again for Plot Reasons and ash sorta hesitantly goes all "...will you wait for me?" as a direct parallel to canon!eiji's "i'll be waiting" and it’s like,

- FINALLY! 

- FINALLY!!!!!!!!!! ash has finally allowed himself to ask for this, to let himself want it! 

- and eiji would be like OF COURSE I WILL YOU BIG DUMMY, ALWAYS AND FOREVER

- but i think it'd be hilarious if eiji pops up while ash's in the middle of the final showdown and ash's like WTF I TOLD YOU TO WAIT FOR ME and eiji's like I WAS WORRIED OKAY YOU WERE TAKING SO LONG

- idk how this is supposed to end...

- oh wait! since the plot is government-related, maybe Someone will be able to pull strings to wipe out ash’s criminal record (past and present) and give him a brand new 100% legal identity, as thanks for his efforts? or maybe ash (or sing) just does it himself somewhere along the way LOL. anyway, he’ll be able to start over with a fresh clean slate and finally work on recovery FOR REAL NOW. yes this is a happy ending AND it didn’t require him to go to japan /flips off canon

- ...i realise it’s never going to be that simple but W H A T E V E R

- (also they probably will visit japan in the future with that shiny new passport... gotta meet the in-laws and all y’know)

- who do i gotta pay to write this cheesy self-indulgent fic for me

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[barry-j-blupjeans]

can u recommend some good blupjeans centric fics? i consider u a blupjeans expert so i trust u

1) thank u, being regarded as a blupjeans expert is literally the highest compliment i can get

2) i can absoLUTELY rec some blups-centric fics hell yes. i won't be tagging the authors mainly bc i don't know all their tumblrs (or if they all have tumblrs) but im pretty sure most of them mention their @ somewhere in the notes of the story if they do have an account.

ghosting, and a lack thereof by anistarrose - A lup lives and is voidfished AU!! she keeps getting presents from a person who only labels themself as "B". this one is vv cute and warm and altogether so good. it's 50 years of slowburn blups smushed together in a much shorter time frame with much more confusion about what the hell is happening sldfsd. it's vv good!! highly recommend!!

Til Death Do Us Part by Mmmarty - there cannot be a more clear-cut summary than what was put already: "Certainly after saving the whole of the known universe, these fools can pull off a wedding, right?" it's vv sweet and exactly the type of wedding i can imagine them having. everyone and everything is a mess but it's so, so good and worth it. this fic is truly an amazing experience!!

Attend Me Here, also by Mmmarty - so goddamn good and nice. barry and lup FINALLY confess to each other and talk about being in love and they're so nice and good and aaaaaa i love this fic. tbh, i highly recommend every blups fic by Mmmarty but if i did that, the whole list would just be them sldfksd.

The Only One On Your A.M. Radio by Grabbingatpowerandkissingit - barry and lucas run a late-night radio talk show and they get a caller who absolutely decks them with magic science. lucas is upset. barry is in love. u can imagine the type of incredible shenanigans that go on in this fic. i WISH i could describe how good it is, but i simply cannot, so u will have to read it for urself!!!

Crush by julidoesnotwrite (notjuli) - this one is so sweet it gave me cavities ngl !! barry and lup are both vv sick and also vv in love. perfect rendition of "we have been married 50 years and i still have a crush on you". it makes me smile so wide every time i read it. cannot!! recommend this one!! enough!!! it's so sweet!!!

Break This Heavy Chain by Punka_Writes - this takes place in the immediate aftermath of story and song. barry is alive and full of many, many emotions, most of them related to his wife. it's just!!! them interacting and loving each other and loving their family after so long, it's so good!!!

I'd Sooner Set Myself on Fire by TooOceanBlue - lup may be a warlock patron and super powerful lich, but she told her family she was bringing a date to dinner and now she can't get out of it. hopefully, they won't be able to tell the difference between "boyfriend" and "loyal warlock". this one is a goddamn work of ART!!! i think about it too much still. so many twists and turns!!! so good!!!

Falling for U by MoonlightxStars - gonna be honest, it's been a hot minute since I've read this one, but i vividly remember being on the edge of my seat for any chapter updates. it's about lup and barry growing up together and slowly falling in love. this will break ur heart and then glue it back together and then repeat that process like, five other times. it's so good and i will put it on my read later list again bc i need that experience once more

When We Run Away by Voidfish - barry and lup in the middle of stolen century and then after it, w the same prompt each time: "run away with me". this one is bittersweet and happy all at the same time. it's vv much captures the "we're in love but we have so much work to do for everyone else" vibe of the stolen century. highly recommend it to literally everyone, it makes me wanna cry sometimes aaaa

what a concrete mess we live in by goinghost - basic summary? lup texts the wrong number and talks with barry instead of taako. it's sweet, it's funny, it's a mess, it is exactly the right blupjeans vibe. i can't overstate how good this one is, i love it to bits and pieces!!! i wanna print out this fic and eat it, it's so good

i hope this helps!!! im sure there's plenty more out there but this is what i could find in my bookmarks that's solely blupjeans-centric :O!!