#since tumblr is for talking to myself that is exactly what im gonna do now

[ranhaitanisgf]

hi hana! congrats on 2k followers once again and if it’s not too much of a bother, i’d like to have a mikey fluff/crack “oblivious best friends” & “stuck together” scenario/hc (whichever works for you) where it was after school hours and everyone in toman is looking for mikey ☺️ i really hope this combination is something new skjdjsjss thank you in advance!! 💕

—manjiro [mikey] sano // oblivious best friends // stuck together

☆ ˎˊ˗ KATIEEE hiiii im sryyy i took sooooo long for this my disappearance from tumblr messed things up 😔 idk how i did on this tbh !! i hope youve been doing well !! and also ur idea was so cutee wahh i hope i did it justice !! xoxo

☆ ˎˊ˗ gn!reader

☆ ˎˊ˗ wc ; 1.5k+

masterlist || 2k masterlist

“...mikey.” 

“yeah?” 

“how long are we gonna stay here?” the boy in front of you hummed, thinking for a moment as he swirled the lollipop in his mouth. 

“until they find us.” you sighed at him, leaning your head back against the wall. you could hear rapid footsteps in the hallway, people running around yelling mikey’s name, unaware of the fact that he was sitting in the classroom they just passed by. 

he hadn’t given you much explanation when he grabbed you and pulled you into the classroom, though you think you have a basic idea of what was going on; all you could say was, it was very mikey.

“so, what exactly is the point in hiding from everyone?” 

“it’s funny!” he grinned, crunching down on his lollipop. “but also ‘cause the doors in this classroom are broken; they only open from the outside, so i’ve been waiting for someone to come by and open them from the outside.”

“huh?! why’d you drag me in here then? wait, how did you even do that?” 

“i dunno, but i just saw you and it was boring here by myself.” he shrugged, not seeming to think it was a big deal. “aaand you’ve skipped out on the last couple of meetings, so i missed you.” he pouted, a childish look on his face. “where were you?!” 

“mikey, i told you weeks ago that i would be busy studying for exams…don’t you remember?” you sighed. “i even texted you before all the meetings that i wouldn’t be coming!” 

“whatever.” mikey said flippantly, the same pout still on his face. “you owe me snacks for not showing up.” 

“okay, okay, just stop making that face.” you said, pulling at mikey’s cheeks. “you’re making me look like a bad person.”

“oi, stahppp, it hurtsss!” he grumbled. you eventually relented, sighing as you looked around the classroom. 

“even being here with someone else is boring. can’t we just leave and go get food?” 

“but i’m testing them! they have to know how to find their leader!” mikey insisted, crossing his arms. 

“but you’re literally hiding from them on purpose. how are they supposed to find you?” 

“they can figure that out themselves!” 

“right…” you answered, giving up on trying to make him see reason. you really were hungry; you hadn’t eaten since you had that milk bread from lunch, which wasn’t a whole lot of food. “if you’re insisting on keeping us here, then you’re gonna pay for my meal after this.” 

“ken-chin will pay for it, but okay!” 

“no, you’re going to pay for it. i don’t care if you’re broke; you deserve to have no money for keeping me here.” 

“hey, that’s so mean!” 

“yeah, and you’re being mean right now by not letting us go so i can eat. i ought to just-” you stood up from where the two of you were sitting to avoid being seen, “-let them see me and then tell them where you are!” mikey’s eyes widened, motioning for you to sit back down, but you stood firm, not moving from your spot. 

“oi, sit down! they have to find me on their own!” 

“no! this is ridiculous! i’m hungry and i shouldn’t have to be kept at school any longer-agh!” while you were talking, mikey grabbed your hand, pulling you down with a surprising amount of strength, making you lose your balance and topple over. 

“urgh, what the hell-...” you suddenly cut off your words when you realized the position you were in. 

because mikey had been sitting right next to your standing form, you had fallen right on top of him, the space between your faces being very small as the two of you stared at each other. the space between your bodies was even less, and you swore that he could feel your quickening heartbeat from how close the two of you were, (you didn’t even want to think about how you could feel the warmth from his body right now). 

you knew that you should probably be clambering off of him right now and bonking him on the head for pulling you down so hard, but for some reason, your body was frozen, not knowing what to do. on the one hand, you knew you probably shouldn’t be staying here for so long, but on the other hand, you wanted him to do or say something, anything, to make you think that he wasn’t just an oblivious teenage boy, (how could he have not noticed your feelings this whole time?!)

“(y/n)...” he whispered, his breath fanning against your cheeks due to your close proximity. 

“y-yeah?” 

“can you get off? you’re kinda heavy.” at his words, you immediately scrambled off of him, your heart beating a million beats per minute, this time due to embarrassment. as soon as he got up, you slapped the back of his head, making him yell a loud ‘ow!’. 

“that’s what you get for pulling me so hard, asshole! i don’t get why you’re so adamant about staying here!” you yelled, feeling more shame and embarrassment than anger. you leaned your head back against the wall, wondering why you thought that anything would be different this time. 

it’s not normal for best friends to have feelings for each other, so why were you mad at him? 

this time, you felt the silence between the two of you to be unbearable, almost enough to make you scream with frustration. you didn’t though, instead choosing to just have your own internal monologue until you could make it out of the classroom. 

“(y/n)-chan? what’s wrong?” 

“nothing, i’m just tired as fuck. wake me up when we get found or whatever.” you murmured, laying down on the floor, not caring about the dust and first getting on your uniform. maybe if you laid down like this, the earth would swallow you up and save you from this embarrassment. 

you weren’t sure how much time passed like that, though you were sure that the silence filled the room for quite a while, only being interrupted by draken and takemichi’s yells in the hallway. suddenly, you heard some shuffling, wondering if maybe mikey was going to give up and let the two of you finally be found. 

you’d already gone too long pretending to be asleep, so even though you wanted to see what mikey was doing, you didn’t make a peep even when you could feel him getting closer to you. 

what is he doing? 

your question was answered just a moment later when you felt his hand on your cheek, brushing some of your hair out of your face, (you were hoping that your cheeks weren’t getting flushed right about now). 

“hm, i was able to hold back this time, but you really test me sometimes, (y/n).” after that, you felt his hand pull away, leaving you in much more confusion than before. what in the world was he talking about? 

a few minutes later, you heard him opening the window to the classroom, yelling for draken. when he arrived, he started chewing mikey out for disappearing for so long, which was when you decided to ‘wake up’. 

“hmm, you finally decided to give up that little stunt, mikey?” you asked, standing up and rubbing your eyes to make it seem like you were actually sleeping. “took you long enough.” 

“it got more boring sitting there since you fell asleep.” mikey answered, shrugging his shoulders. he kept the same lighthearted expression on his face as he started to get another earful from draken.

“you did this on purpose?! we’ve got stuff to do!!” he yelled, his face twisted in frustration. “it’s been a whole goddamn hour!!” 

“sorry, sorry.” 

you walked away from the two over to the door, trying to open it just to see. much to your surprise, it opened up, not showing any sign of the locked issue that mikey had claimed it’d had earlier. 

when you looked over at him, all he did was shrug, a smug smirk on his face. 

“you little shit! it was open this whole time?! i’m gonna actually kill you this time!!” you yelled, running at mikey. he swiftly dodged you and went out the door behind you, running into the hallway to get away from you. 

“catch me if you can!!” you heard him tease in the distance, fueling your anger even more. 

“when i catch you, it’s so over for you!!” you shouted, sprinting out of the classroom after him. 

as you chased him, he looked back at you, laughing and saying something that you couldn’t catch. despite the fact that you were acting so mad at him right now, you couldn’t help but admire how the light from the sunset reflected off of his skin, highlighting his playful smile and blonde locks bouncing in the air. 

you supposed that this was fine, for now. 

(mikey ended up paying for your entire meal out of his own pocket, leaving him with 200 yen to his name).

[angeamant]

my disappearance ♡

hiii this is cynthia most commonly known as gentlehue/jgracie/irlangelics <3 i wasnt gonna make a post like this for reasons i'll go thru under the cut but after having three of you reach out to me on pinterest i thought it'd be unfair to leave everyone in the dark 💗 tagging @luvusrry @findmeonvenus / @daystarpoet and @bloodwrittenletters thank u for checking up on me lovelies xx

okay so the main reason i deactivated yesterday was because i realised being on here was negatively impacting my productivity LOL as you all probably know (because i never shut up about it) im in my second to last year of high school and everything i do now and next year is what has the largest impact on what uni i get into which then has a pretty big impact on where i end up in the future basically LMAO 😭 my life is so busy these days between doing the whole ib itself which im still getting used to since the british system is so structured and tells you exactly what to do in comparison to ib where a lot of it is you doing your own thing & prepping for uni by researching diff courses and the lnat which is an exam i'll have to sit in order to apply to study law & also getting back into all my extracurricular/picking up new ones which is another thing i have to get used to since im SUCH an academically oriented person & a BUNCHHH of other things i wont be getting into rn 😭 and so i cannot afford to be lounging around in any way whatsoever right now!! this is the socmed app i spend the most time on and i tend to tell myself its ok cause im not replying to notifs im just scrolling which is so silly LOL but i need to eliminate that from my life soooo i left

a mini second reason why i left is smth thats gonna be rly hard for me to explain here & im pretty sure probs has smth to do w my ocd (another thing i dont rly like to talk ab that much so idk how many of u know this) but i have this thing where if something negatively impacts me or like if i have a negative association w it it becomes "imperfect" and i acc cannot have it around me like it physically disgusts me and i cant function or think or anything 😭 and thats what was happening w my tumblr account because of how it caused me soooo much procrastination and so little work done 😣 soz if this doesnt make any sense or if its weird but its smth ive had for years now and am slowly working on 😭 my perfectionism is so horrible too and tumblr makes it worse cause im always overthinking what my feed looks like 😫 like i cant have too many talking posts or too many asks or too many reblogs and im always doing them in a way that balances it out in my head and i spiral so bad over it 🙁

ANOTHER reason (wow lots of reasons) is cause ive begun to enjoy my real life so so much these days and dont want to be distracted by being online 😭 i love my friend group i love sixth form i love having a crush i love it all! a lot of my friends r graduating this year as well and so i probs wont be seeing them as often afterwards cause obvs theyre not all applying to unis in our city let alone our country !!! i dont wanna take this year for granted at ALL cause i'll so regret it if i do :(

the second thing im addressing is why i left w out saying anything LOL basically i knew if i posted smth and said my goodbyes i wouldn't commit to it at all 😭 and i need to seriously be disciplined w myself these days if i wanna be rich and traveling the world in 10 years 🫡

i dont know if i'll ever come back but im so so happy i got to know u all whether u knew me from jgracie or discovered me later on after i abandoned her im so glad i got to call u my lovely friends :) i carry a piece of you all wherever i go ♡ you know you'll always know me! i wont deactivate this account but i wont be active on it either unless i decide to fully come back, but if u send me an ask within this week i'll answer it xx

for those of you who are worried about my fics on jgracie, i made a backup account back in the summer and everything ive ever written is reblogged over there :) @cynarchives

[scummrevisited]

tumblr is NOT letting me answer this ask directly for some reason so i screencapped it HDFHDG anyways here goes

i vagguelly knew abt otherkin stuff beforehand but that was like. very vague and more in the lense of "eww cringe" bc that was all that was talked abt it

fast forward to me being 16 or so (maybe 17?) and i decide that today on www.tumblr.com im gonna go through the werewolf tag, and between all the art and poems abt werewolves i view a few werewolfkin posts and i go "huh.. thats interesting" bc i only vaguely heard of it but never really looked into it

so i dip my toes into it, and fall into the lake completely, and now im here

from which i will give some advice:

disclaimer: most of this advice comes from a psychological kin perspective, for spiritual stuff i can gather some info if you ask me but overall im not spiritual kin

1: sometimes the answer is not too clear, being alterhuman can stem from many reasons and overlap with many other things, furryness, autism, psychosis, spiritual beliefs, familiarity and importance to an animal or myth, a lot can play into it! for some beings, the experiences are very separate from each other, for others, they may cause each other or be linked or overlap, it can all depend and change around, so dont stress too much on whats what, but if you wish, you can play around and see what belongs to what, ive had the fact im a furry sometimes overlap with the fact im otherkin, and even fuel each other, but i still see them as separate identities, its all a big complicated soup. and i will say to just fuck around and see what labels you see fit

figuring out your kintype can take a while, and its not uncommon that what you first consider to be your kintype may not be the one that you actually feel you are. for example my first through upon discovering kin stuff was that i may be a cat, ive loved cats since i was practically born, ive always wanted to be a cat and themed myself around cats, hell my fursona is a cat! turns out im not one, ive tried and figured stuff out and experimented and well a cat just wasnt it. from this i'd just say to explore different animals or mythic beasts or types of robot etc etc

from that, what has helped me personally to figure out kintype stuff is to see what you desire feel and act, what kind of environment do you crave for? forests? mountains? deserts? theres a lot! what do you wish your body looked like? everyone talks about wanting claws and fangs and such but really think about it, what do you want for your body? what would make you happier? what would make you see your body more as your true self? any particular diet you have or wish to have? any behaviors you've derived from a being? maybe you hiss maybe you bark maybe you knead. do you feel limbs that arent there? such as ears? tails? horns? just look around outside and inside to see what you crave what you do what you want and such

one thing that i did while trying to figure out kin stuff was to just. draw how i view myself in my mind, and not concentrate on design or what i like and dislike on character designs, just like, draw what comes to mind on an "ideal body", you shift around features from the vague idea of who you are in your mind, draw different tails draw different snouts draw different body shapes, and see what fits and sticks, sometimes you can land on yes "thats exactly me", sometimes you can land on "its a vague idea of me but can aid me in figuring it out". thats kinda how it lead to me figuring out im primatekin, i had multiple different attempts and sketches of what i think i look like in my mind, and i just kept going until much trial and error later i found something. it went from "humanoid?" to "halfly animal-like" to "has a long tail" to "small and expressive" and eventually to a primate! (and thats how my mizamonkey design came to be QSHFHD). again for some this may bring a concrete design while to others it may be just a vague guide, not every tip works for everyone.

despite a few points ago where i stated that being obsessed with an animal or myth doesnt always equal to it being your kintype, it sometimes can be! and its sometimes how kintypes can originate to people (if we're taking the psychological otherkin route, this doesnt work too well with spiritual otherkin). sometimes youre just so obsessed and interested with an animal or myth or fiction trope that your brain kinda, adopts it for your identity. this is what happened to me for werewolves, since i was a wee lad ive been OBSESSED with werewolves and i read about them and drew about them and made stories about them that my brain has seemingly just. grabbed it and went "thats you". so look into your childhood or current state of living and see what animals and beings and such you connect with! again just as a few points ago, it doesnt always mean its your kintype, but it can be!

being alterhuman is different for everyone, i sometimes still think of this message i saw ages ago that went "ask 10 therians what being a therian means for them, and you get 11 different answers", so just because this otherkin experiences xyz, doesnt mean everyone does, and vice versa! i used to have a lot of stress about this bc i felt like i was a faker bc i didnt experience like others but after a while i managed to mellow out on it and its making me feel better!

related to that i would be careful about the resources you seek out bc from my experience seeking out resources has been a very 50/50, some tips and advice is great! while others are just why would you follow that. use your critical mind and see what suits you and what helps you.

this is more a personal opinion but i feel like the whole "choosing your kintype" debacle doesnt have a correct and concrete answer. to me if you were to just choose whatever kintype you want it may not actually be the kintype you feel like you are. i would absolutely choose to be a wolverine if i could! but it just doesnt align with my kintype and i cant force it as my kintype even if i tried. i would say that you can "try out" kintypes to see if it fits, its all about experimenting after all. its just that for most, its not as easy as pick and choose. its mainly bc your freely chosen kintype may just not be who you are, if you wanna choose a kintype either way, the community has adopted the term "copinglink" for such. for most alterhumans they did not choose their kintype. again its about trial and error

overall its going to be a lot of trial and error to figure stuff out. it took me 2 years to finally land on my proper kintypes! you may find kintypes and you may drop them. you may find yourself to not be otherkin after all! if you want more personal tips and questions you can message me here or on discord! (but i prefer discord bc tumblrs dm system is kinda cramped and buggy).

[kaleidoscopic-quiddity]

ok wait now i wanna talk abt weird/interesting things from my experience getting top surgery. ive seen other ppl talk abt some of these things b4 but not all of em

i thought my surgeon was gonna do the incision, like, underneath the curve of my tiddies?? he ended up kinda slicing thru the middle of them, so my scars run over the middle of my pecs, not underneath them

speaking of; ig my pecs are more developed than i thought since my chest isnt like perfectly flat but rather both my pecs have a layer of fat/flesh on them and i can feel the muscle underneath

also the dip/space inbetween from when i had tiddies looks p much exactly the same, my surgeon said sometimes it ends up buldging out and a revision is needed but thankfully that didnt happen to me

the discharge nurse let me know afterwards that my tits were 11 kilograms (right 6kg and left 5kg) like no fucking wonder i have back pain at the tender age of 19

so yknow how pain raises ur body temp and makes u sweat?? immediately upon waking up i was so warm and damp i told a nurse id soiled myself and needed a change of underwear, i hadnt! i was just really fucking sweaty lol

i also threw up twice after waking up (fortunately into containers both times), turns out anesthetic doesnt agree w/ me, also it was like a dark bottle green?? since id been fasting from the night b4 ig i was bringing up nothing but bile

pre-surgery they cldnt get the IV in my left hand and had to switch to my right and ig that made my heart rate pick up bc one of the asistants immediately came by my head and talked to me to calm me down, he was rlly nice :)

im p sure i conked out within seconds of them getting the IV in and starting up the anesthetic too, none of that 'count back from 10' shit, i took like 2 and a half deep breathes and was OUT

from a combination of the iodine and natural swelling/bruising my chest looked REALLY yellow for like 3 weeks after surgery

i got sent home the same day i got my surgery, they keep some ppl over night if theres complications but apparantly i was all good to go after resting in the post-op ward for few hours

speaking of, i woke up, puked, got some water, dicked around on tumblr, called my mum, took an 'i lived bitch' selfie, slept for a few hours, woke up, went on tumblr again, got dressed w/ some help from a nurse, pissed (by myself, woo!), and then got discharged

my scars are uneven! my left incision goes further under my armpit than my right one, and my scars vary in thickness, it actually looks kinda like ive got two scars on my left side bc it thins out so much in the middle for a few milimeters

my nipples are also a lil uneven and they ended up puckering up as they healed so i kinda looks like ive always got stiff nips oops, also theyre more brown than pink

apparantly that might be bc they took the nipple graft from my areaola bc they werent able to graft the actual nipple, idk ¯_(ツ)_/¯, obvi it doesnt look perfectly like a cis guy's nipples but i knew the chances of achieving that were relatively small + p dependent on how i healed so like im not too bothered by it

my surgeon used dissolvable stitches and one of em ended up poking out thru my scar a lil b4 it disolved, which was weird

showering w/ a plastic sandwich bag duct taped to ur chest so u dont get ur scars and nips wet is An Experience TM i'll tell u that

my scars stretched!! it happens!! esp if u raise ur arms, which u will inevitably have to do eventually, idk if they'll ever fade on their own or if i'll need scar revision treatment in the future but fortunately they didnt go keloid

my surgeon used what he called crosshatched stitching rather than drains so that saved me a lot of discomfort, i DID get a slight build up of like, i think around 40ish mls of fluid in my left side a few weeks after surgery, but my surgeon dealt w/ it by p much just poking it w/ a syringe and draining it out lol

which i didnt even feel him do at the time bc of the nerve damage lmao, which was weird asf since i could very much SEE him sticking the needle in but couldnt feel it at all

i regained my mobility like, straight away?? my surgeon said bc im young + relatively healthy it was likely that id bounce back from surgery quick but like,, i had none of the exhaustion, pain, or immobility ive seen ppl describe??

i couldnt lift my arms very high for a while obvi but like i was fine dressing myself and even washing my own hair if i just leaned over

having to sleep upright for a few weeks after surgery was v annoying since i usually rotate like a shawarma trying to find a comfy sleeping position

the post-op chest binder was sensory hell bc it was scratchy and it kept slipping down my back since it had no shoulder straps, also i accidentally bruised my ribs a lil bit by wearing it too tight oops, the fuckin relief i felt when they told me i cld stop wearing it

the post-op 'please wear these at all times so u dont get thrombosis' socks were p comfy tho, idk why they didnt cover my toes tho

regaining the sensation around ur scars is weird! my right side's been completely fine but ig bc my left scar is thicker + longer ive been getting some pain n tightness, its not a persistent issue or anything but its just kind weird bc ive never had any surgeries or major injuries to heal from before this one

u will have to get ur boobs felt up and examined probaby multiple times b4 surgery, this will feel very different from touching ur own boobs and, in my case, was ticklish??

my posture has improved somewhat since getting top surgey, what not having 11kg of weight hanging off ur chest and compressing it in towards ur ribs/spine for roughly 9 hours a day will do to a mf ig

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

diiary 2/25/2023

okayyy i been needing to write a longform post for a while! just to chronicle some thoughts in a cohesive way. & getting straight to the point: i'm realizing there is very little, if ANY payoff, to being an artist online. i'm not talking about money. im talking about the way it's like, the more ppl start to see you as an "artist", the more they feel like ur some kind of public figure they can lash out at w no repercussions. ur humanity is just wiped from their minds. i don't have some huge following by any means but for ME its gotten big since in the past i've been a serial deleter. usually at 800 followers im gone.

i love being creative & sharing for the sake of sharing but i deeply fear any kind of spotlight. since i came back onto tumblr i made the pledge to myself not to delete my account if it started growing but now im having second thoughts!! well i'll never delete this account cus im too sentimental but part of me just wants to stop posting in the ways i tend to do. like maube im too forthcoming & need to slink back into the shadows a bit. because i don't want to stop contributing art & music to the world but idk how to protect my heart.

like it's so crazy to me that artists are expected to b these idealistic icons of everything the viewer represents & if they make a single mistake its like fuck we better launch a pUBLIC HARASSMENT CAMPAIGN!! genuinely like, how are people supposed to want to put themselves out there when the climate is so hostile? it has got me feelin rly nihilistic i must admit. trying to put nice stuff into the world shld not be generating drama for me, especially when it's just my hobby & not even my "career".

for a while ive had no idea what to do for work or how to generate income in a way that works for me but honestly? im gonna bite the bullet & do some coding bootcamps so i can try n get a remote job doing some tech shit & making a fat salary. i guess i never rly considerd it before cus all the silicon valley stuff susses me out but idk. im naturally really good at code + my only real dream in life is to be able to support others & redistribute wealth. like ive never had anything of my own to share but if i could actually do this & become the secure+charitable person i wish to be, i think i cld finally have some inner peace/sense of fulfillment. plus i cld still be a recluse ^_^

ok well i guess that my diary entry for now. im rly grateful to everyone on this site who is genuine & respectful towards me. i am really enjoying all my creative projects right now & i just dont want it to ever stop being fun just because the internet doesnt want it to be fun for me. i seriously wonder why artists are the number one targets right now, i mean not to get too conspiratorial but like, this is exactly what the CIA wants :/ wahtever....i have no agenda other than plur. but yeah, i might just start to distance myself more from posting anything other than my work. we'll see. just kno that i dnt want it to b this way. ilu guys

[noa-nightingale]

Hii noaa! If u remember im the anon who have hyperfixation on worth it. Im not gonna lie to you i missed worth it so much. It is still my hyperfixation til this very day. While im sad about worth it ending and i tried to be positive about it. Looking to the worthitupdates blog not being active still sadden me to this very core. ( i find out it has not been active since june / july ( ?? ) Because i looked throught steven instagram and theres no post of his august pic being posted )

But honestly hope the person who runs the worthitupdates account are well, i really do hope they know that they have been the highlight of my life since well forever.

I also hope people who enjoys worth it before and still now, knows that we truly are a community who loves foods and the ways it can bring people together.

I hope steven and andrew, while now maybe not together working a show, can look back at this and see that they bring so much love to this show that we cherish.

I think back then, i genuinely am sad and feels helpless when they announce worth it finale. But now i can see the show and the community is like an old restaurant that you see everytime you take a walk around your neighborhood, it is now no longer working but you can see that it is being well taken care off. There is no sign of ruins and the bushes and plants grows well within the cracks in the walls. And there someone who is nostalgic next to you about the old restaurant, and they tells you exactly why and you understand and take the slice of apple from their palm.

Hope u have a good day noaa!

Hey anon, yes I remember! :D Love hearing from you again, and I also always love talking about Steven.

I miss Worth It a lot. When it ended I think I tried to stay positive and tell myself that many many people still love it, even if it did not get the big send-off that Unsolved got. And while I am actually a little sad about that, I know that people still love it, and you are the best example for that. It obviously means a lot to you, and I think that is beautiful. I don't really follow what Andrew and Adam are up to these days (although I am very happy that Adam already has worked with Watcher and will again) but I am very very sure that Steven knows how much people care about Worth It.

I hope you are doing okay, even with worthitupdates not being active anymore. I don't really have hyperfixations but I have Special Interests and I honestly would not know what to do with myself if Watcher somehow vanished. I am sorry that it is affecting you so much and I hope that you can still get joy out of the Worth It content that is still there, even if there is no new content coming out. Your old restaurant imagery is so beautiful and I am happy for you that you can see it like that. <3

I always always ALWAYS love to hear from people who love Worth It, I know there are many more people, and there will always be more people who are not writing about it on tumblr or elsewhere, but who still cherish and adore it deeply.

Thank you so much for writing to me. I hope your life is peaceful and filled with meaning, and that you are happy.

Cheers, Steven anon! <3

[iwantdatcookie]

Answer all the even numbers of that ask meme >:3

Oh shit fuck ok hold on gimme a sec gonna have to pull up a second screen for this. Puttin it all under a readmore to not clog anyones dash haha

2: i dont really like either of them, but ive had tea and i prefer it more sweet

4: im a side sleeper through and through, full fetal pose sometimes even

6: i havent done either in a long time, but i think i liked drawing more since i could see what i made immediately in my eyes.

8: dont have one currently, but ive been thinking a lot about linkin park lately

10: uhhh shit ive forgotten. Maybe around 1 meter 80 by now so 5’ 9”?

12: my baby niece, all of my tumblr mutuals, my online friends that ive fallen out of contact with because i have difficulty talking to people myself. Really a lot of people…

14: green! Followed by brown because chocolate

16: not really want a tattoo, cant handle the pain haha

18: in terms of dms its a friend i sent a photo of among us chicken nuggets

20: the aforementioned online friends ive talked about before which are too many to all say now.

22: actually might have been a good 8 hours though i csnt recall what hour exactly i fell aslepp

24: i think last time was because i messed up in something at work

26: videogames are still kinda childish in my society, also chocolate milk

28: currently im a little happier because family came over and i got to see my niece but otherwise ive been feeling a little sad and isolated

30: for the school year to end and to go on a trip with my coworkers and then be able to stream again now that i have good internet

32: i would go to super nintendo world just cause i wanna see it. I feel like if i said i wanted to visit friends would be a boring answer to give

34: i like sunflowers

36: yeah its alright, nothing to say about it except that i makes my initials spell out a word and i like that

38: not very strong phobias but i cant handle dogs approaching me at high speed or darkness. I guess heights too?

40: i like the beach, though i prefer when its cloudy because i also dont like extreme heat haha

42: oh shit uhhh @lotsadeer, @robboybot, @gothbaseball, @squintsquint, @bimbocatfood

44: my baby niece who’s visiting :)

46: honestly, just sleep, or a videogame, or honestly just you know haha

48: i honest to goodness dont know, i guess at this point my parents or sister

50: i guess i can pick whatever thing to say for this one so uh, if anyone wanted to know what ive been up to lately im doing the final bonus level in mario wonder and i dressed up with an evil clown mask for a halloween event recently!

[cosmicdream222]

Hey , while doing void EFT tapping I see my limited belief came up and that is - " I need to affirm for wake in void state awake because we always enter in void state but we just aren't aware " actually I get this from Tumblr. Just now I'm doing EFT tapping for the 2nd time and it's came up again and again . Yes I do affirm like it's easy to enter and to be aware of void state and all . But I'm asking should I continue with affirmation that I use today with aware word Or should I not notice this because this belief came up while I'm doing positive affirmations otherwise for other sessions it's pretty good and while I do negative vaunt my brain literally says it's wrong and I wake up in void , my brain even see me images me in the void and for that to be very very honest I try to imagine myself in void many times but I just can't imagine it but now when my mind is showing it , I was like bro I have pretty good thoughts about void state. And yes when I say it's difficult my mind automatically says it's so easy what are you even talking about. It's so much fun . I literally smile the whole session while watching how my mind or say subconscious response to my negative affirmations but I have 1 belief that I have say wake up aware because we always enter in it .

So what do you think about it . Is it even a limited belief or not in the very first place , I don't know that to be very honest but my mind says that I have affirm for wake up aware but every time I'm close to void i was always aware . Even if I sleep i literally wake up and completely conscious when I'm close to void like I feel me going in vacuum or even floating and 1 time I even feel I'm started to fly and I'm not on my bed and then yaa I'm scared. I don't know if I should say this but I just remember I get near void so many times it's like if I stop or control for 1 more second im gonna be in void but guess what happens - one time I'm under covers so I'm short of breath . , next time got scared, next time I feel myself so hot it's like I'm sweeting so hard and this time I have void symptoms 2 times back to back and I was just like - I'm not gonna go in void , I don't care just awake up it's so hot and suffocating. So i just woke up . Can you imagine so so close to void even I can feel that . So for that should I use some extra affirmations for void if yes then can you recommend or should I just go with the affirmations that you provide us with EFT tapping.

Sorry it's so long and I wrote about my experience in it . But to be honest i understand from the last attempt that we always get what we command no other way around like i just said and I came out and woke up instantly like both ng is happening .

Hey thank you for sharing your experience! That’s so great that you noticed those limiting beliefs don’t affect you anymore. You have a lot of good self awareness! It sounds like you’re doing tapping exactly right and that is what you can expect to happen.

Since my script was just for basic general limiting beliefs, it cleared out all the stuff that doesn’t matter and showed you the stuff that is bothering you. So if my script was level 1, now you’ve figured out level 2. All of that stuff you just typed out, your experience with getting so close and how frustrating that is, fear of entering the void, your questioning affirming for waking up in the void or not - that’s what you should tap on next!

Once you tap on those things that came up, you can expect to find more clarity on what you should do next, just like you did here.

[erasawordsmithofsorts]

hey everybody! (an intro post)

howdy! i wanted to make a little post to talk about myself. let you get to know me a little, like what my interests are outside of 5sos, fun facts about me, etc! c:

introduction to me:

so, you can call me era! that isnt my real name, but we're gonna call it a penname for now. im sixteen, and currently i live with my mother. my favorite color is red (and two very specific shades of brown and blue), and i am in ashton's lane. i've been in the 5sosfam for around ten years now, obviously i havent been active in the fandom for ten years but i have been listening to them for that long! yes, i have been in ashton's lane since the very beginning.

my musical interests outside of 5sos include bands like slipknot, metallica, foo fighters, all time low, lana del rey, ac/dc, ad infitium, palaye royale, ashton's solo stuff, luke's solo stuff, twenty one pilots, and many more! i play the piano, ukulele, i took vocal lessons for three years, and i'm learning guitar and drums :). i'm starting a band with one of my closest friends, and we haven't really decided on a name yet.

i LOVE supernatural. it is one of my all time favorite shows. i have every season up to the last one memorized word for word. you give me a synopsis and i can recite it. i love twilight, i have almost all of the books. i am so normal about greek mythology, sooo normal. i totally do not rant and rave about how hades is NOT the god of death, he's the god of THE DEAD. i would NEVER.

i think that covers everything about me! moving on c:

introduction to this blog:

so! i wanted to finally dive back into the tumblr side of 5sos. i don't know exactly what i want this blog to be about, but i think i want it to have everything. i'll do photo dumps of the band, talk about the band, i might repost fics and stuff on here, who knows!

send in confessions relating to the band and i'll post them! this blog is gonna be a safehaven from everyone. i dont care if youre new to the family or what, youre welcome here. no matter your gender, race, sexuality, religion... whatever, youre welcome here as long as youre a decent being.

im mainly gonna post about old 5sos! but i will post about everything 5sos related, just mainly old stuff :)

welcome to the blog guys c: -era

[laylaisthename]

you know im down bad when im actually posting my fics on tumblr.

-

Lincoln McQuoid/M!MC || SFW || 3900 words :pensive: ||

Fic about two guys with terrible birthday experiences that are trying to do better. Set in a theoretical time after everything's been resolved. Timeline doesnt exactly match up since we're probably like a week away in game from Linc’s birthday but uuuh just pretend ok.

tw; mentions of under (american) age drinking (idk im european and he's 18 so its fine to me) 

"Lincooooln." Horus calls lazily from the couch.

"What?"

"You know what day it is?"

Lincoln pads into the living room, his eyes narrowing at Horus. "The day the Elric brothers set their house on fire?"

Horus snorts, "Of course you would say that you weeb. Aaaand...what else is today?"

Lincoln sighs. "Who told you?"

"I'll let you take one guess at who'd be texting me about your well-being."

He buries his face in his hands and lets out another deep, soul-weary sigh.

"Abel says to tell you 'happy birthday' and to make sure that, quote 'he doesn't spend the whole day moping around his apartment alone watching daytime tv and getting drunk.' unquote. Ouch. You really spend your birthdays like that?"

There's a thoughtful frown on Lincoln's face, a look that Horus knows a little too well by now. He opens his arms invitingly, and a small smile plays on Lincoln's lips as he moves to join him on the couch, resting against his chest.

"Bad birthday memories?" Horus asks.

"Melancholic ones. I told you what happened on my seventh birthday. My mom still tried after that but it just... hasn't been the same since. And then I lost touch with Abel, and she..." his words trail off. 

Horus' voice is quiet when he responds. "I know. I'm sorry." 

Unsure of what else to say he simply wraps Lincoln in his arms. Instinctively Horus' eyes flicker to the empty spot on the wall where Silvia's portrait used to hang, a pang of guilt lancing through his heart. He must have apologized a thousand and one times already, but it still never felt like enough. Sometimes he catches Linc glancing over too, expecting it to still be there- for her to still be there. 

His thumb subconsciously moves to twist at his mother's ring. It was a feeling he knew well. 

"Okay I'm gonna be real depressing here," he starts, "but stay with me on this. Every year on my birthday my dad used to take us to this nice Egyptian restaurant. I'd get baklava and chocolate cake and some damn good chicken and then we'd go home and watch any movie of my choice, so we'd usually end up watching A New Hope again."

"And you're calling me a weeb? Nerd."

"Shut up, I'm being genuine here for once in my fucking life. Anyway. Point is. We'd get dinner, watch a movie together, I got some gifts, and it was the best day I could wish for. Then after... everything happened, Amalia and her parents took me out somewhere." He takes a moment to gather himself. Talking about the past five years was still hard at times, actually telling the truth of his hurt rather than lie and say he was fine. "I spent my eighteenth birthday crying my eyes out on the floor of a restaurant bathroom. Told Lia I got food poisoning, but I knew she didn't buy it. Next birthday was barely any better. Amalia was off to college by then, so me and my new best friend 'Fake ID' hit up every bar in town for a free drink for the birthday boy. I vaguely remember making out with some hot girl in a bathroom stall, but mostly I just remember feeling incredibly alone. And, well, nauseous."

"Is this story going anywhere or are you rambling?"

"Right. I'm trying to be profound. Well, tl;dr, birthdays sucked. At 20 I ignored my birthday and 21 I got shitfaced again, but this time legally. Then this year I happened to find myself in the area after a hunt. So I walked into that Egyptian restaurant, I got myself dinner and some baklava, found the nearest movie theater and watched, uh," he falls quiet for a moment, thinking hard, "I don't remember the movie's name, it was pretty forgettable I'll be honest. But it was the best day I'd had in longer than I'd like to admit. Whenever I closed my eyes I could almost feel my family sitting next to me. My dad's lame jokes, my mom's laughter. Annie stealing food off my plate when she thought I wasn't looking..." Horus is quiet for a moment. "Sorry, I'm making it about me again."

Lincoln turns over in his arms to face him. "It's alright. Honor their memory instead of burying it deep, right?"

"Yeah. But, if you do wanne just laze around all day and watch shitty movies I'm down for that too." he tightens his arms around him a little. 

Lincoln hums, lying his head back down on Horus' chest, and he wonders if Lincoln could hear how his heart raced. Neither of them would spend another birthday alone if he had any say in it. They lay there a little while longer in comforting quiet.

Lincoln rouses after a while, quieting Horus' whine with an achingly sweet kiss as he heaves himself off the couch. "I think I know what I want to do today."

***

Their first stop was Westchester Elementary. Lincoln hadn't told Horus what exactly they'd be up to, wanting it to be a surprise. It was a warm autumn day, the warmth of summer not quite gone yet. 

The sounds of children playing outside  accompanied by a quiet ambiance of rustling leaves and birds' song. It was strange how nice Westchester could be when horrible men and creatures weren't actively terrorizing it. 

"So, this is where baby Linc took his first steps into becoming a menace to society?" 

He rolls his eyes, but smiles regardless, "You know Russ, I don't actually know much about what you were like as a kid." 

"Me? A model student once they got me to stop cutting up my clothes." 

"That's what I thought." he holds out his hand, and by now it's second nature for Horus to grasp it as they walk along. Lincoln leads them to the side of the building, stopping before they round the corner. 

"Close your eyes for me?" 

For me.

The gentleness in Linc's voice over shadows any dirty jokes in Horus' mind. He simply smiles, "Alright." letting Lincoln lead him a little further away with his eyes closed. 

He stops Horus, grabbing him by the shoulders and turning him around. 

"Okay, now, open your eyes." 

So he does. And before him, Horus sees something that was-

A stunningly painted mural adorned the old plaster, a deep indigo blue of a night sky, swirling into the yellows and pinks of dawn. Against that backdrop was the silhouette of a woman, leading a chain of children of different ages toward the light of a new day under a bright shining star. More stars dotted the dark sky, painted in such a way that they almost seem to shimmer in the sunlight. Among them Horus managed to recognize a few constellations; the Scales of Libra, Aries the Ram, the Eagle Aquila, the Archer Orion-

His eyes flit to Lincoln, who in turn is watching him with searching eyes and a kind smile. 

"It's gorgeous." Horus says after another breath. It was hard to put into words, but it felt as if a hopeful wish had been put into every brushstroke. 

Having apparently found what he was looking for, Lincoln turns to the mural. "My mother painted this. She told me she started the first draft a few weeks after she found out she was pregnant. The actual mural didn't go up until I enrolled here, and I got special permission to 'help' her out during recess." 

They walk up close, where painted in white, surprisingly neat, yet childish letters;

LINCOLN & 

and then in a beautiful curling script;

Silvia McQuoid

Lincoln traces his fingers along the letters, closing his eyes, a smile painting his lips. 

"There's more murals like these all around town. She'd always say this was her way of giving back a little kindness into the world. Something to inspire people." his eyes open again, looking up at the silhouette. "A couple were painted before I was born, but I loved coming along whenever I could. She always insisted that even if I just painted a single line, that I'd put my name up next to hers."

"She sounds awesome, wish I could have met her."

"She would have loved you, I'm sure of it." 

Horus laughs, "Ha! You're just saying that because I'm your boyfriend." 

Lincoln bumps his shoulder, "I mean it, Russ. Someone so full of life like you? She'd be making wedding plans after our first date." 

Horus was not a shy or bashful man by a long shot, so the blush creeping up to his ears and the sudden stutter in his throat caught him off guard. His eyes flick over to Lincoln, who also seems to realize what he'd said with a start. He didn't want to read into it too much, his racing mind already looking for a way to change the topic, but a small voice in the back of his head tells him that if Lincoln had asked him right here, right now, that he would not mind at all. But then a suitable deflection comes to mind, blurted out a little too tense, a little too fast. 

"I already promised to take you out for dinner today, no need to butter me up."

"Maybe I'm hoping to get free dessert too." 

"I dunno, you find me a dark and quiet corner and I can get right on that if you're so impatient." 

"At an elementary school? Really?" 

"Ah, you're right. So are we going to your highschool next? Behind the bleachers maybe." 

Lincoln laughs again, "Speaking of dinner, there's a few more murals I wanted to show you. Come on." Linc turns to head back to the motorcycle. 

It was like a light bulb flickering to life over Horus' head as he realized exactly what he would get Lincoln for his birthday. He pulls out his phone, sending out a dozen texts as they walk, nearly missing the helmet Linc tosses him. 

The last message is off and confirmed by the time they reach the second mural, and hours blur by as they ride all over Westchester. Every painting is somehow more gorgeous than the last, accompanied by anecdotes from Lincoln about inspirations, color choices, meanings. It was something incredibly dear to his heart, anyone could tell. 

Horus steps up close to Lincoln, leaving a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you."

"For what?" 

"Sharing this with me. But," he reaches his hand into Linc's back pocket, pulling out the motor keys, "I have a surprise for you too." 

Lincoln raises a brow, but doesn't make to grab for the keys. "Where are we going exactly?" 

"Ah-ah, wouldn't be a surprise anymore if I told you. But it's close by, I promise."

***

It's a short drive over. Horus parks the motor out on the side of the road, walking ahead down an alleyway to the back. 

And as his friends had promised, strewn around a blank wall was everything needed to paint a mural of their own. 

Brushes in all sizes, a dozen different colors of paint, lights that illuminated a smooth, blank canvas waiting to be filled. Off to the side lay a cooler filled with drinks, and a bag full of takeout food. 

"But how…?"

Horus counts it off on his fingers, "Had Connor call in some favors at city hall for the permit, Lia brought the food, Joss got us drinks, Dee and Noah took care of the supplies, aaand," Horus lets out a sharp whistle, and Abel appears from around the corner carrying a cake, followed by the rest of their merry little gang. A chorus of "Happy birthday, Lincoln." rises from the group. Joss rolls her eyes. 

"I'm just here for the cake." she nods her head toward Abel. 

Linc's eyes grow wide."Is that…?" 

"My mom's recipe? Yeah, I promised, didn't I?" 

Horus pulls a lighter from his pocket, lighting the candles. 

"Happy birthday to you." Abel starts, and Horus, Amalia, Connor and Dee are quick to join in, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Lincoln, happy birthday to youuu." 

The look in Lincoln's eyes is part horrified, part touched and wholly embarrassed as the song comes to an end. 

"C'mon make a wish." 

Lincoln walks up and thinks for a moment, and if Horus wasn't head over heels before, then the way that the candlelight flickered in Linc's eyes surely would have done the trick now. The moment passes as he closes his eyes, blowing out the candles in one big breath. 

"Let's see if this cake lives up to the hype." Noah walks up, knife in hand, offering it to Lincoln to cut the first piece. 

Abel looks offended, "You doubt my baking skills?" 

"Cut him some slack," Connor says, "being a ghost for a few years made him forget his manners." 

Noah just shrugs, taking back the knife to cut up pieces for the rest as Lincoln takes the first one. 

The silence is broken by an incredibly inappropriate moan from Lincoln that almost sets something off in Horus. But that would have to wait until he had him all to himself.

"Just as good as you remember?" Abel says, unable to keep a large, goofy grin off his face. 

"Better somehow." he takes another large bite. 

Horus is handed a piece next and wastes no time shoving a large piece into his mouth. "Oh shit, this is good." Agreements ring out as everyone digs in. Their impromptu party is however quite short lived.

"As much as I wish I could stay," Abel says, "I was in the middle of grading papers that I really need to finish by tomorrow."

 Amalia pipes up, "I should go too, I got a long drive ahead to get back in time for my lectures tomorrow if I want to get any sleep. Cake was totally worth it, though." 

Connor walks up to Dee and Noah, slinging his arms around their shoulders. "The three of us promised Harper we'd stop by tonight to check something out, so we should get going too." 

Jocelyn grabs another bite off the last slice of cake. "And I'm not hanging around to play third wheel to these two, so bye."

Horus waves her off. "Good night, Joss." 

"Night, Red. Keep the old man’s spine intact.”

“Old man? I’m not even 30 yet.” Lincoln replies.

“I make no promises about his ability to walk tomorrow.”

Jocelyn grins, “Nice.” and heads off.

Abel hangs back for a moment, watching the others leave. He walks over to Lincoln, whose eyes still betray his feelings of guilt. Apologies were exchanged a while ago, but Horus could tell that Lincoln still had a hard time letting go of the hurt he caused. 

"Abel, I-" but his words are cut off as Abel envelopes him in a hug. Lincoln hesitates for a moment, before hugging him back. 

Abel lets him go, a kind smile on his face. "Happy birthday, old friend." he turns to Horus, giving him a nod, and Horus nods back. 

And just like that it was only the two of them left again. Horus polishes the last crumbs off his plate, quietly thanking Abel and his mother for what was maybe the best cake he'd had, ever. 

Lincoln walks up and hugs him tightly, burying his face in Russ' neck. And now it was Horus' turn to stand there for a moment, unsure of what to do, before he returns the gesture. 

"Thank you," the words are a quiet murmur against the crook of his shoulder. "Thank you."

"I'm glad you like it." 

"No, I liked spending the day with you. You doing this for me? I love it. I-" he hesitates on the word. Lincoln pulls back a bit, cupping Russ' face in his hands. "It means a lot to me. I just don't know what to paint." 

He pulls him in for a kiss, short and sweet. But being pressed up against Lincoln's back all day on the motorcycle has left Horus with a desire for something more than that. He walks Lincoln backwards until his back hits the empty plaster wall, nearly tripping over a bucket of paint in his haste. He opens his mouth, and it was delicious, both of them still tasting of whipped cream and cake. 

Lincoln flips them, so Russ' back is now to the wall and pulls back. A groan escapes him as he leans forward after Lincoln, 

"Don't move." he places another kiss along his jaw. 

"Hm?" 

"I just figured out what I want to paint."

Horus stood there, chest heaving, pupils blown wide. "You're just going to leave me like this?" 

He laughs, a bright and joyful sound, "I didn't exactly bring lube along." 

"I'll run to the corner store and make the most suspicious purchase of my fucking life, I'll even throw in some roses, don't test me."

Lincoln comes back with a bucket of paint and brush in hand. "You can do whatever you want to me back at my apartment. Just keep still." 

He opens the can, a deep blue, and gets to work tracing an outline around Horus, lingering around his hands, leaving kisses as he goes along. Up his arm, over his shoulder, a kiss under his ear. 

"You're making it very hard to stand still, you know." 

"Better keep at it. Don't want to get paint in your hair- hold out your hand a little."

Horus does as asked, moving as little as possible, as Lincoln traces the paint over his head and down his right side. 

Lincoln steps back, admiring his handiwork- or maybe admiring Horus. With the way his eyes darted around it was hard to tell. He turns, reaching for a new brush and another can of bright red paint. It doesn't escape Russ that it's the same shade as the color of his hair. Lincoln holds them out for him to take. 

Horus shakes his head "I'm not much of an artist."

"Just the rough outline, I'll take care of the details." Lincoln stands with his back against the wall, hand overlapping with the silhouette of Horus beside him. 

"Alright, fine. For the birthday boy." 

Horus then realized that he probably had not held a paintbrush in his hands in a decade, if not more. He wasn't nervous per se, but still very cautiously went to work, part of him afraid to mess it all up. He kneels down to get started by Lincoln's legs. The red paint stands in stark contrast against the gray wall, overflow dripping down, and suddenly Horus freezes. 

His hands shake, breath catching in his throat, whole body tense and ready to spring. Blood dripping down the brush, out of a creature's mouth, covering his hands his eyes seeping into his chest the ground thick in the air-

A hand clamps on his arm and distantly his name reaches his ears -"Russ!"- his father telling him to run, Annie calling after him- he tries to pull away, hand balling into a fist so tight that his knuckles ran white, nails digging into his palm, fight or flight instincts setting in and he was afraid and wanted to, no had to fight there was no one else left-

"Horus!" Lincoln's hands frame his face, forcing him to look into his eyes. 

"I'm-" the word comes out as a ragged breath. Adrenaline ebbs out, his heart still racing at a thousand miles a minute, but he was back in the here and now at least. Realizing what had just happened, Horus slaps on his trademark grin, the gesture not quite reaching his eyes. "I'll get lost in your eyes like this." 

"You're shaking." 

His hands still tremble a bit as he pries himself loose, "Low blood sugar, you know how it is. Maybe we should eat some of the take-out before it goes completely cold." he drops the brush back into the bucket, avoiding looking at it too closely. 

"Horus-"

"There's one with chicken and one with beef, which do you want?"

Lincoln wraps himself around him from behind, plucking the beef noodles from the bag. "Talk to me, Russ. You were gone for a moment there." 

Horus hops up onto a crate, opening his food up, his voice quiet, but finding its confidence as he talks. "Ugh. It doesn't usually happen, red is my favorite color, and I've seen worse whenever I need to dye my hair again- seriously makes my bathroom look like someone died there." he lets out a breath, combing his fingers through his hair, "but, I guess the paint just… took me off guard. I'll be fine after I eat something." 

Lincoln sits next to him, frowning, 

"I should have realized-" 

"Don't. Don't start pitying me or, fuckin' saying its your fault. We were just making such good progress in getting you to stop blaming everything on yourself-" 

"That's not true," Linc says matter-of-fact, "I blame plenty on Matthias." 

Horus laughs. "True. But, yeah. I don't want my little episode to ruin this. I won't let it." He nods over, gesturing for Lincoln to go stand at the wall once they're done eating. 

His hand still shakes a little as he traces the outline around him, but everything was further from Horus' mind now. Focus on the motions, focus on his warmth, his voice-

"Look at that. You're a natural." Lincoln says as he draws the final line, vaguely linking the hands of the silhouettes together. 

"Are you gonna start pulling out gold stars next, or what?" He grabs himself a soda from the cooler, and a beer for Lincoln,

"Is that something I'll need to keep in mind?" 

"Everyone likes being told they're doing a good job, no? Don't worry about the drinking by the way, I'll drive us back." 

"Sure, but if I start lamenting about Naruto, cut me off." 

"No, please tell me more about how Naruto and that black haired guy were totally in love." 

"Oh, like you're any better about your space movies." 

"I just have a lot of feelings about the Clones, okay!" 

Conversation flows and time flies as Horus watches Lincoln get to work. It was mesmerizing to see how the piece came together, stroke by stroke; two silhouettes, hand in hand with a ribbon tying their hands together. Horus' figure set in a royal blue, Lincoln framed by an explosive red, the tie that binds them red on one side, blue on the other. The message rang clear; I’m a part of you, you’re a part of me.

"Now all that's left," Lincoln cracks open a black can of paint, dipping in a smaller brush. "is signing it."

He signs his name in beautiful curling letters;

Lincoln & 

Before holding out the brush to Horus, who glady, if a bit messily, adds his name underneath;

Horus Asar

[mostspecialgirl]

Insiders (2023) - redrawn from 2019

(rambling under the cut)

thank you tumblr for compressing my image down to disgusting crusty poop pixels on the app

i love to do a new big reference piece for my babies every few years, and the time has finally come due… and WOW !!! LOOK AT THAT IMPROVEMENT !!! everyone looks Normal And Alive and Non Bugeyed !!! everyone is a little less pasty white (im talking about you, tanith) !!! i think they all show a lil bit of nice personality in their faces now too which is lovely for me. i love to see my children happy. now to write about each of them

angelo’s line art has the least effort into it here and i was GONNA redraw him but honestly if anyone is going to look like a scrunkly little bug IT IS GOING TO BE HIM !!!!!! It’s been a minute since i’ve drawn his body-saws and on a whim i made them red AND !!! IT WORKS !!! I’M A FAN !!! i think he’s due for a main-outfit change though. not sure. i struggled with finding him a natural-looking skin color too because i’ve slowly made him as a person less undead-corpse-like and i think i’ve found a good spot. for now.

i pulled the perfect angora out of my mind and honestly i am shocked at what i have created. she looks so sweet and kind and innocent here (as she should) that to any unfamiliar observers you’d be hard pressed to tell she’s a big lazy gross vulgar piece of shit rat of a fishwoman. and that is EXACTLY how it should be. i have lost the plot for too long, giving her more sharp edges and a hunched back and wild expressions, but the standard angora really should be deceptively pretty. because that’s my girl.

Mila looks great as always. What more can I say? She’s always perfect. I had fun giving her lips for the first time!

AMPH … MY ADISHESHA … (slamming my fist down) I’ve finally perfected him… isn’t he pretty? isn’t he so pretty? I chose to draw him in his naga/incarnated form instead of the shadow form this time because i wasn’t lazy. I decided to throw a big coat on him, originally intended to be more lab coat-y, but influenced by how fucking cold it is outside i allowed myself to give him a big fur collared one. because if you can’t tell i love giving characters though. i think it worked out well for AMPH here, and now I have to be putting him in all sorts of cowls and capes until the end of time.

TANITH !!!!!!!! GGGGYRRRRAAAAHHHHH!!!! LOOK AT MY GIRL !!!!!!! I’M FERAL OVER THIS!!!!!! LOOK AT MY IMPROVEMENT !!!!!!! it’s been a hot minute since i’ve colored her, but i changed her palette in my mind a while ago AND looking at it here ? existing ? i’ve done it again. My lovely little sword daughter … i know i JUST doodled her but christ something was in the water here because SHE LOOKS SO GOOD. this is the best ive drawn any of them. i gave her some nice clothes this time instead of her usual big t-shirt because i realized i only gave her that in the past because i didn’t know how to draw clothes.

speaking of “best ive ever drawn any of them” somnus … THIS IS HIM … i’ve gotten close to capturing him in all the times i’ve drawn him but i think i’ve finally pinned him down here. and of course, he’s hitting the same pose as his wife because they’re cute like that. i ripped his colors straight from the solo reference piece i made for him a while back which has held up quite wonderfully.

FINALLY !!! SETH IS HERE !!! HE HAS ARRIVED IN PROPER INSIDERS GROUP ART !!! he looks pretty good here. i think he could still look BETTER, but for the purpose of having a nice group reference piece he looks pretty great i think. I struggled pinning down some colors for his clothes and was pretty lazy with the Purple Under His Hair That Glows BUT WHO CARES !!!! LOOKS GOOD TO ME !!! LOOK AT MY HANDSOME SON !!! i also decided to stick his full name on here that i’ve kept vaulted up for the reason that i’ve never had to put it anywhere before. if you know why he has “-zoe adamiel” as his chosen full name, congrats, you’re a huge fucking nerd.

eventually, i’m probably going to tack daisy, kane, sampi and demiurge onto the right side of this piece, but that’s for another day down the line. thanks for reading!

[bbarican]

june 04, 2023; 8:46 pm - should we just keep driving?

hi tumblr! how are you guys doing? how was everyone’s weekend? ako, im ready to talk about my date yesterday so if youre bored and you wanna join me in dissecting the events of yesterday’s date then please feel free to read along

we met up in coffee academics and it felt almost nostalgic seeing him again? kasi the last time we saw each other was early 2022 and alot has happened since then and i ultimately felt like “im so glad he’s meeting this version of myself naman”

it was really fun, like it was so good to remember how fun it actually is whenever we’re together; ang ingay niya, pero ako rin, tapos ang kulit namin saka ang gulo ng mga topics namin and i enjoyed every single bit of it, we talked about serious stuff as in we really wanted to know kung anong nagbago samin and also we were talking about aliens and weird stuff like that basta tawa kami ng tawa

he was nice enough to go with me to atc to buy food for my family and back to molito again kasi he was parked there

we ended up hanging out a bit sa car niya for a bit in the same parking spot just talking and listening to music and eventually thinking of somewhere else to go kasi nga we didnt want to go home pa naman; he also asked if i still remember the name he gave his car and ofcourse i still remembered it and i dont think im ever gonna not remember it

we ended up going to a more quiet parking spot away from the malls and just remembering everything now is making me emotional?

he opened up the back door of his car (the type na paside yung open ng door) and we just talked - we talked for hours as in we were there from siguro 7 pm to 11 pm just talking

okay so ofcourse there was some flirting and i loved every bit of it and he was really touchy which i really loved too pero the fact na he initiated converstations really had me feeling really good and fuzzy inside? i was telling my bestfriends na it felt so refreshing to just talk to someone about everything and anything after months of just keeping everything to myself

we laughed lot - i cant explain why or how but this is so important to me, and i think im craving this more than sex?

we did end up making out but again that was just the cherry on top of everything else just being so good

but there are things na i got to take away from my our date last night which i guess would help me from putting a label on how im feeling right now:

he isnt really looking into dating seriously so thats the catch, and tbh i dont know if he ever will be and if im even going to be on his list of people he would even want to consider dating?

with that being said, and i actually told him this din - i actually dont have enough time and energy to wait around for him or for anyone who would be similar to him

kaya ang sakin lang is - im just glad i got to show him who i really am and i hope thats enough for him to see what he could lose if he does end up not pursuing me

im glad na i also got to show him who i am genuinely and im also glad na atleast now, i really know what i want in a relationship

it wouldve been nice if siya yung person na makukuha ko, but atleast he was the one to show me na it is possibe to have the type of relationship na im looking for and that hopefully it will just take some time before i get to have that experience for real and for good

im a bit sad now kasi nga this just proves na stuff like this always and will always rarely happen to me nalang, but im still trying to be as patient and hopefully as i can be

so yeah - i wouldnt say na back to zero ako, but im just glad na everything happened the way it did; its weird too kasi in coffee academics, the neone sign beside me literally stated “youre exactly where you need to be” and i knew that meant something kaaagd

if youve made it to the end of my post, thank you for reading along. ikaw, what do you think? id love to hear your thoughts (tbh just so i stop thinking about all of this) but also id love the company cause everything feels really bittersweet right now

but yeah - i hope the evening goes well for all of us; we all deserve to rest before conquering another week

[holyshit]

Hi, so... If you excuse me, I would like an "am I the asshole" opinion about something and since I don't have anyone to talk about it, the cool tumblr account I follow seems to be a good option.

(You can ignore me ,and I totally understand if u don't wanna answer this, since is not related to any content on your blog.)

So here is a "quick" resume

I'm being best friend with this person for 5-6 years, and we were really close, just easy to be around each other and stuff...

But the thing is, in the last 3 years, if I'm not misunderstood my whole life, we've being getting a little bit more close than any type of friends. Thing that I only noticed very late bc we're both girls and I never had a best friend before, even though - i might mention - I'm on 20s and so is she.

But since I did notice that, I start to get feelings for her, imagining how good we could be as a couple since we're amazing as friends, and I was in my romance shows obsession time, so this might have helped.

I didn't tell her and obviously didn't do anything about it out of sheer self-preservation. What I did was start to be as she usually is with touching (I'm not this person im general, but she was like a exception) and hope for the best.

I think she noticed bc we get even more close without any real move, specially because I think we're both on the same page about don't mess up what we already had

I have to say before next paragraph, she knows me, I know her, we're both bi and loud about it, we have queer friends, this is not the case of closeting.

About a time ago, she started to take some steps back, but like without even pretending she wasn't, and I was ok w that bc she doesn't have to do nothing, no obligation of hugging me or keeping hanging out once a fortnight, but this really came out of nowhere.

I said she was acting weird so this make her noticed how abrupt was the change and back to normal a little. Not even a month after, she started dating this guy that also came out of nowhere, from her job and that according to her, already had a interest in her.

And now they are this cool couple that everyone says how good they look together, when she talks about him for me I can see she really likes him, and honestly I'm not gonna enter in the 'broken heart' topic because, yeah I was deep in love with her, but I cry about it with my therapist, I'm here for the things she can't say and apparently I have to figure it out by myself. So I acted normally, met the guy and stuff, he kind of got into the group and he is ok.

We don't hanging that much now because he takes priority - which, again, I understand. And also I got a promotion that makes me travel more than before. - But when we do happened to meet, she now acts a little bit like we used to do when both of us were on that bubble of illusion on a weird friendship that made me listen to Ed Sheeran, which is ridiculous because I swore I would never be this person. It makes me really sad how much I wanna be with her but I can't. She's always saying we should do the things we used to without be specific and seems to take a step back every time she noticed we are too close like she is in conflict or maybe I'm just crazy trying to see something for some hope

I got it, I lost my chance. But now we're getting on the end and I hope you have a answer for that bc I'm sad again resuming lots of years and feelings in some paragraphs

The problem is: she's having a birthday party that she's planning for ages since she consider 25 very important. And the guy was planing some romantic shit for her and asked for my help. I did help to prepare everything because I really have nothing against him and it's not his fault I'm dreaming about his girl or whatever, but I know exactly what he's gona do and I can not, I really can't

So I said to her I couldn't go to her birthday because I have a very important travel on work. I thought was a easy way because she knows how much I love this job. She asked me if I could have a talk with my boss, and make someone else to take my place, and I said I will try to reallocate things until the last minute. But I'm actually planing say on the last minute it wasn't possible and maybe get some ice cream on the day, since my fucked life sounds like it's being written by a 13yo

So, I'm a big asshole for lie to her not going to the birthday party to see her boyfriend proposal?

I really think I'm just trying not get more hurt but the days are passing and she's always asking me for updates about me going to the party and I'm feeling bad now. Idk

I don't wanna be the person who's in the corner with that kind of face or even drunk because I am, or used to be, her best friend, and we never fight or something, I should be happy for her on this day. But I also don't wanna be the person who skip this moment when and if I get over this feeling some day and regret for not be present on the birthday she's excited for since we've meet.

I'm just very stressed now and would help another point of view bc all my other friends would never believe I was talking about someone different and also I would mess the surprise that I think only me and the guy know about. So I hope this is not something super weird to sent, I'm really really sorry if is.

hi love! finally have a chance to write a proper response!

i'm sorry you're going through this, first of all :/. i feel like there are so often these kinds of "missed connection" type relationships for gay people either due to being in the closet/in denial about your sexuality (not in your case, just in general) and either not fully realizing your feelings for a friend or being too scared to act on them, and/or from these kinds of friendships that seem to be a little bit more than friends but there's still always the uncertainty of whether the other person just views it as a friendship and the fear of fucking up the friendship if you make an advance and they actually weren't into you... it's not as cut and dry than it often is with dudes where the flirting can be more obvious. i've definitely had multiple painful friendships in my teens where i was clearly in love with them but never made a move due to my being in denial, and it's sad to think about how those relationships really could have worked out if i didn't have that fear. and falling for a best friend is sadly a pain a lot of us have felt ksdjnsk it's fucking ROUGH and i'm sorry you have to work through that right now :(

so in my perspective based on what you’ve said, it does sound like she might have pulled back initially because she had already met that guy at work and was possibly in a talking phase with him and didn't want to be disrespectful, which implies that she did consider you guys' friendship to be veering into non-platonic territory and was happy with that until someone else came into the picture. although it’s painful to have missed a shot, it can also be comforting to know that she might have felt the same way and it wasn’t all in your mind, that there were feelings on both sides. and i can imagine her wanting to initiate it again and pulling back over and over might be from some kind of lack of closure in your friendship on that level... which is another aspect to these kind of more-than-friends-but-friends kind of relationships- there’s not often a big blow-up breakup of any sort, so you’re left with this feeling of what could have been that can stick in your brain for a long time. and it sucks because you can’t reasonably get the normal closure because it’s hard to really talk about when nothing officially happened, especially if the person is now in a relationship since you don’t want to throw a wrench in their relationship either.

i have mixed feelings about how you should handle the party situation... i do think going to the party, although painful, could help in getting closer to closure for you. you can’t pin all your hopes on them breaking up at some point and getting that chance to pursue something with her, as then you’ll be in misery for much longer than you deserve while playing a waiting game that might not result in anything, so i do think it’s important to your overall healing that you reach some form of closure, and seeing something like that could be a painful but needed step forward to make it seem more “real” in your mind to help you move on. but at the same time, if you think you’re not going to be able conceal your feelings about it and you think it might start a fight, it might not be worth it. in your situation i probably would be very tempted to skip it, especially because i wouldn’t want to put a cloud over a day i know is very important to her, although that could be the case whether you decide to go and end up getting upset, or if you don’t go, so it seems like a double-edged sword either way. i do think, in the longterm, the decision to go to the party would probably be better overall for the reasons i already said and because like you said, you might regret it in the future. but, if you do decide to skip the party because you don’t think you’ll be able to handle it (and i would totallyyyy understand if you did), i would suggest planning something special for you and her to do on a different day around the same time, as that is a good way to show that you care and that you recognize how important her 25th is to her.

sending you a massive hug!!! your pain will ease with time, i am sure of it, but i can’t imagine how awful you’re feeling right now and i sympathize with you greatly :(. i’ve been there, and it’s so so rough.

[starjxsung]

Babe is such a universal thing, I think I’m going to start calling you honey! Honey is one of my personal favorites heheheh

I’m so sorry you went through so much star I hope you’re doing well and I can’t wait for you to be able to make that cake ahhh please send me pics! Also on the applying it’s best to stay in the job your in because it’s so true it’s hard to apply and see if you even get the job especially me as someone who’s still trying to apply and no luck ugh

What’s your love language??? Mine is words of affirmations I love telling people I care that i appreciate them so much

I don’t remember if someone had asked this before but has an anon actually tried to get with you like I know most of anons flirt with you a lot and you flirt with us and we made a mutual connection by even talking out of tumblr but like has an anon actually tried to take your flirting to the next level ie actually thought you were trying to get into a relationship????

A little life update on my end: anxiety really sucks, it’s making me lose sleep by waking up every hour and it’s messing with me a lot making me feel like my friendships are just one sided and that they rather be with other people than me. It’s not helping either that this anon on my tumblr has been saying mean things about me and criticizing the way I write ( it usually doesn’t affect me but rn with how I am mentally it kinda is) but it’s getting so bad that opening my phone and seeing notifications just makes me want to puke

🩶

NO BC HONEY IS SOOO CUUUUUUTE it feels like marriage vibes frfr I love it 🤞🥹

I WILLLL POST PICS OF JILIX CAKE TOMORROW PROBABLY I actually bought one of those mini birthday cakes and it’s been sitting in my fridge for like 3 days so it probably tastes like shit now but it’s SOOOO CUTE IM SO EXCITED 💓 Ughhhhh I know exactly what you mean the job market sucks ASSSSSS rn I just know it’s gonna be an ordeal but I’m definitely still looking at what’s out there and seeing if there’s anything I can transition into that might be a little easier bc my work load right now is the fucking worst :(

Love language HMMMM I think it’s words of affirmation for myself, and then for others I’m really partial to gift giving 💞 I loooove being the kind of person who just finds something cute online and sends it to someone or surprises them w it! I order my sister little desserts sometimes since she lives in another city or sometimes I get random shit for my parents or friends bc it reminds me of them I just love seeing people’s reactions to gifts 🥹

The anon question hahaha yesssss I was in a kinda long situationship type thing w an anon on here and it ended really badly. I truly wish her nothing but the best now and we’re no longer on talking terms, but I’m always grateful for the people I have the pleasure of being in romantic relationships/situationships with even if they end badly ! I hope she finds what she’s looking for eventually

Also I’m so sorry to hear about your anxiety :((( I’m kind of in the same boat rn (literally just picked up my antidepressants today slayyy) but holy fuck wym there’s an anon sending you hate?? Hello?????? That is so fucked up oh my god I’ve gotten my fair share of anon hate on here but please just delete any messages you get and don’t even give them the time of day. It’s so fucked up they’d stoop so low and hide behind an anonymous profile to send hate to random people. What have they even been saying to you? If you need to send me anything privately on discord pls feel free to do so :( I’m so sorry this is happening my love you don’t deserve this at all and it’s gross people would think to do that. I love you so so much please ignore those losers

[abrahamvanhelsings]

whee this one was difficult at times and i was busy so it took me forever. but it was also fun thanks for tagging @maedhrus AND @zaegreus

rules: choose any three fandoms (in random order) and answer the questions, then tag 10 people you want to know better

fandoms: 1. the terror 2. assassin's creed (ezio trilogy) 3. fire emblem three houses

the first character you loved 1. i kind of watched the terror in a stupor and barely had any idea who anyone was. only started to get a feel for the characters when i got to tumblr lmao and i don't even know exactly how but within a couple of days id imprinted completely on little and never looked back 2. eziooo when i was 12 or so i saw a picture of him, thought he was so cool, then learned more about the series, and i remember wanting to be him so viscerally (this was well before i realised this meant i was probably not cis). he's stayed with me ever since 3. dimitri, augh, i saw him in the three houses trailer and i was like !!! im playing blue lions !! and then the blue lions route just smashes you to bits with some incredible emotional, character driven writing. he is my forever fire emblem guy

the character you relate to most 1. neddie... his long-suffering sense of duty... he is like 'i will do my tasks even if it kills me' bc not doing them is worse than anything. me! and a little bit awkward socially but he's got his charms. that's me as well. 2. i still want to look like ezio but my man is nothing like me i don't have that kind of stallion swag. hard to pick one for this actually. i haven't reached brotherhood yet but from what i know of him as an in-game character maybe machiavelli. not that i always agree w/ him but he has a 'practicality over idealism' kind of mindset that i can often recognise in myself as well. 3. i was gonna say dimitri but then i realised nuh uh it's seteth actually. competent paper pusher, doesn't care for frivolities, does talk shit. he'll do his job and he'll do it well. the only reason garreg mach is still standing.

the character you'd slap 1. hickeyyy he is so annoying and i hate him so much and not in the fun way 2. most templars lmao? but cesare borgia. 3. edelgard. whore.

three favorite characters in order of preference 1. edward little (WAUGH), thomas jopson, thomas blanky (he is such a king for being insane from start to finish and being the most suited to the whole situation bc of it) 2. ezio, leonardo da vinci (creature of a guy), im putting desmond here bc he's like if a wet blanket had attitude but i fear this spot will become machiavelli's soon enough. maybe even second place i can feel it. 3. dimitri, sylvain (oooo the playboy character has trauma), seteth

a character you liked at first but don't like anymore 1. crozier in the sense that he was one of the only ones i could identify properly while watching the series and i was kind of neutral on him and then afterwards i realized all sorts of things abt the consequences of his alcoholism and the way he treats the crew and such. and i was like hm. that's not great. like i don't hate him he's a compelling character but i certainly don't applaud him for anything either 2. have not played enough to really put a name in here, it's fairly rare anyhow that i start disliking a character if i already like them. though when mario said 'stop collecting petruccio's feathers for your traumatized mother and put in some real work, go to the blacksmith for the weapon i had made for you' i felt a need for violence. 3. hmm i think claude? i still like him well enough but there's some things abt his goals that didn't rly sit well with me while i was playing through verdant wind bc at the core they still require unification of fódlan and all. and im like hm. inchresting.

a character you did not like at first but now do 1. solomon, i didn't really care for him much at first but now i think he's kind of neat. 2. altaïr i guess. it's cheating a bit cause im including his ac1 version for this answer but i never really cared for him cause he seemed like an asshole. but now im watching the ac1 playthrough and reading his codex pages and im like 'ohh he has a really interesting arc actually i see why everyone's slobbering all over this guy' at least a little bit. 3. idk rhea? cause the game tries very very hard to make her appear sus as hell before timeskip so i was eyeing her the whole time. but now i know the lore so i know better

three OTPs 1. joplittle :) and maybe solittle. and im living in my own personal fitzlittle niche. but this is all very much hydrogen bomb versus coughing babies to me honestly. 2. well of course ezio/leonardo bc that's just what it is, but also ezio/desmond. and altaïr/malik (again it's not really ezio trilogy but idc) bc honest to god altaïr would be NOTHING without malik. that's his personal moral compass. i don't really read fic for them bc most of it is not to my liking but the CONCEPT of them. unreal. also the art people make of them it's like they're auditioning for the sistine chapel 3. dimiclaude, dimivain, ashe/dedue is also very sweet

iii don't have the energy to tag people rn im sorry it's been, and it's going to be, some Weeks unfortunately.

[pekorosu]

just a lil “if ash lived” headcanon that i need to unload somewhere bc i've been holding it in for a long time

- set within the manga ‘verse

- takes place when ash and eiji are in their early 30s... so around the mid 1990s?

- i don’t get the weird animanga trope where older = longer hair, so they’re gonna look the same... maybe with slightly shorter hair bc they get regular haircuts now 

- (note: i've always interpreted long-haired eiji as symbolic of the fact that he couldn't move on from ash’s death)

- ash and eiji will continue living in the states, idk if still in NYC or somewhere else. they’ll move around a lot though.

- ash will mostly remain underground as he had to fake his death after lao’s stab, but he does it in a "hiding in plain sight" kind of way. only a handful of people know he’s still alive.  

- ash spends most of his time on the computer, mostly coding, hacking, being a nerd, among other fun stuff.

- he also takes on “jobs” anonymously, and occasionally from max (who’s still into investigative journalism) when he needs info that can only be obtained through Dubious Means.

- i also like to think that ash's a bit of a hacker robin hood lol. but he isn’t doing it purely out of the goodness of his heart, as part of it is a subconscious need to atone for his “sins” and cleanse the gnawing and persistent feeling of shame that gets amplified when he’s around eiji.

- also whatever he’s up to these days would ofc still be Highly Dangerous and Illegal, but it keeps him busy and would sate the part of him that’s still hungry for adrenaline without him having to engage in stuff like active bloodshed or substance abuse. basically that’s how i imagine he’d try to cope with life the only way he knows.

- eiji continues to do photography and other part time gigs bc he does not like the idea of mooching off ash forever, and he slowly makes a name for himself.

- ash and eiji live together but they are NOT together in a romantic sense... not yet >:)

- therefore eiji will probably date other people in the meantime, which gets a little troublesome bc it's not like he can bring them home to where his secret Very Important Friend is secretly hiding.

- ash will maybe have one-night stands every now and then. or not. idk. this isn’t a very important detail.

- anyway there will be lots of clueless but mutual pining :)

- ash especially, is of the opinion that they should start living separately bc someone will eventually track him down, maybe someone who has a past or present grudge on him. combined with his current activities, it’s only a matter of time before eiji would unwittingly get dragged into his problems again.

- eiji is v adamantly against that plan bc he's sorta developed a debilitating sense of paranoia that ash might just get killed somewhere while he’s not looking. not that ash isn’t paranoid either, but his insecurities often tip the scale over to “eiji is safer away from me” than “with me”.

- basically they’re doing their whole “stay. no, leave. no, stay” dance all over again, but like, dragged out over MANY YEARS.

- you thought eiji’s letter would’ve cleared up any crossed wires? 

- HELL NO

- like yea, there was probably a beautiful honeymoon period of about a year or two after they reunited, before their respective trauma and issues started creeping in and fucking things up again.

- esp on ash’s end, i think he’d engage in a lot of self-sabotage. and eiji is only human, he has his own limits and baggage too.

- there will be a government conspiracy plotline but on a smaller scale compared to canon that i am unfortunately not knowledgeable enough to worldbuild on, but it will probably have something to do with cybercrime/cyberterrorism/stuff like that bc it needs to tie in with ash's hacking shenanigans.

- i've heard that sing ends up becoming some sorta political big shot in yasha? idk, i haven't read it myself, but since china’s rising status was mentioned in GoL i imagine the plot should relate to that somehow.

- therefore sing would also get to be in this story! 

- i guess this means yut-lung would come into the picture at some point as well, and it would be a good opportunity for a redemption arc but i haven’t given it much of a thought bc i’m indifferent to his character orz SORRY.

- look i can’t do plot, but i am basically envisioning a political thriller with a side of slow burn romance (wait, you mean like a rehash of canon?)

- i’m thinking max is the one who kicks off the story by bringing something fishy to ash, and they just end up uncovering more and more and MORE stuff as they keep going.

- so for like 80% of the story, ash and eiji will be separated bc ash will be busy spying or infiltrating something... and being at the center of Plot Things, while max and eiji will be more on the outside dealing with the journalist side of things. i’m fond of max-ash interactions but i’m also REALLY CURIOUS about max-eiji’s dynamic :D

- meanwhile sing will be like, half in and half out i imagine. he's versatile like that lol

- ...i did NOT mean that in a dirty way

- anyway, this will provide ash and eiji ample space to work out their issues separately, as i think living in close quarters for so many years has actually been aggravating them. ofc those issues don’t get 100% resolved by the end, but some time apart from each other to cool off and spend with other people should provide a bit of perspective.

- i want ash to make some NEW FRIENDS (!!!) that are on the same wavelength as him bc there’s only so much that he can tell eiji and i’m sure he gets rather lonely, so there will be OCs that he will meet in the middle of Plot Things.

- ash will get trapped at some point. preferably with sing so they can have a much needed heart-to-heart talk. they’ll have a lot to hash out, ranging from the events in BF, shorter’s and lao’s death, all the way to ash’s love life. 

- btw i like the idea of eiji and sing being close drinking buddies who confide in one another but ash is kinda, justalittle, not very happy about that LOL 

- i mean, it's not like eiji can confide in ash when ash is the topic at hand, ya get me? as for sing, he’s similar to ash in the sense that they live dangerous lives, so i imagine he just finds it nice to be able to hang out with someone mundane like eiji every now and then.

- not to say that ash and sing aren’t talking to each other at all, but i think they’d have a bit of a rift between them. sing probably does feel some resentment, both at ash for killing lao AND at himself bc he knows deep down that given a choice, he would’ve saved ash over his own brother. ash can sense that tortured vibe, so eiji’s like their middle man. AND THAT’S WHY THEY NEED A HEART-TO-HEART TALK

- (SIDE NOTE: i want akira to have a role in this too. i actually have a separate headcanon that happens prior to this story... kinda like an alternate GoL? 

akira goes to the states to visit eiji, but ash is also there, yeah? akira and ash start out sorta prickly with each other bc ash is all weird and standoffish and always cooped up in his room. she probably mistook him as a jobless model mooching off eiji at first since 1) eiji and ibe have never spoken about him back in japan (cuz he’s supposed to be dead), 2) why would eiji be living with some random hot guy? unless they met during one of his photography gigs? right??? 

and then she ends up witnessing them in the middle of a tiff, which makes her not like ash even more bc HOW DARE HE YELL AT POOR OKUMURA-SAN??? UNGRATEFUL JERK!!!

but over the course of her visit, she snoops around learns a bit about their history and gathers hints as to why their r’ship is kinda strained. also ash and akira somehow end up bonding (reluctantly) over their emotional insecurities and part on a friendly rivalry to win over eiji’s affections (which eiji is completely oblivious to. also akira may have been 100% serious but ash was just jokingly playing along with her (OR WAS HE???)). anyway long story short, ash teaches akira some cool tech/IT stuff along the way so that leads to her gaining an interest in the field. 

she won’t be able to do much in this story, but a minor role would be cool :)

 ^ a lighthearted gyoza-making scene amid all the angst)

- (SIDE NOTE #2: i ALSO want cain to feature in this, but bc canon provided very little bg info on him it’s hard for me to figure out where he’d fit. but i suppose that’s precisely why it would be great to include him, since i can just make up my own backstory! lol. for now, i think he should be connected to one of the new OCs to make him more central to the plot. or heck, he can be involved himself! ...yeah, i’m just salty about how cain was treated more like a convenient plot device compared to the other major side characters. we barely know anything about him even though he was one of ash’s most trusted allies. #caindeservedbetter2k20)

- anyway, back to the main story. ash (and his new "friends") barely escape where they’re held hostage. ash would be rusty with combat now as he’s spent the past few years doing only stealth work and being rather sedentary. 

- so there’ll be lotsa old man!ash jokes like them poking fun at him whenever he complains about his back hehe

- when they finally emerge outside they find themselves in the middle of nowhere! they then hijack a passing pickup truck and do a roadtrip back to civilisation. ROAD TRIP FTW

- at this point, quite some time has already passed and ash even has a fuzzy beard and mane and all. he’s standing at the back of the truck with a small smile on his face and the wind blowing in his hair, thinking GONNA GO BACK AND SEE EIJI, MISS HIM LOADS, HELL YEA 

- (bonus: this song and this scene is the catalyst for this entire headcanon btw)

(drew this about a year ago. i was trying to imitate the manga’s art style... and the ash i had in my mind was a little different. i’m too lazy to redraw, but he’s fuzzier now okay! MORE FUZZ! like an actual freakin LION!)

- meanwhile, eiji and max will get into some deep shit around this point? 

- eiji in the pic above was me imagining that the Bad Guys had tossed some damning evidence (eg. severed body part?) on the ground like “ash’s dead/ash’s in a lot of danger now so hand over all the info u have”

- and eiji and max are like. SHOOKETH

- this would be the 3rd time ash has “died” after all, and as they say... 3rd time's the charm...

- eiji almost gives in, but then max spits in their face like fuck no and then... yeah. they get beat up and taken away or something lol

- EDIT: hmm... what if the Bad Guy is someone IN the government, and he uses his power to get eiji and max arrested for aiding and abetting a wanted fugitive (ash). and then ash has to rescue them... JAILBREAK STYLE

- also it might be cool to introduce ash's mom somewhere in this story... maybe SHE'S the villain! mwahaha *drama intensifies*

- anyways they will get saved by ash and gang bc that’s just the way things go, BUT! only on the condition they already made it out at least 80% of the way bc GODDAMN IT👏LET👏EIJI👏BE👏BADASS👏FOR👏ONCE👏 

- (that is, after he overcomes the initial shock of ash possibly being dead again... again...... again............)

- there will ofc be moments of “oh my god, you’re okay” "i thought i lost you...!"

- something like this, because one can never have enough cheesy reunion scenes

- this will eventually lead to REVELATIONS (of the romantic kind, yes) 

- buuuut they will never say "i love you" directly to each other bc ash is too emotionally constipated and eiji is too japanese. it's okay, they will communicate it through heated stares 👀

- i would love for there to be a scene where they have to be separated again for Plot Reasons and ash sorta hesitantly goes all "...will you wait for me?" as a direct parallel to canon!eiji's "i'll be waiting" and it’s like,

- FINALLY! 

- FINALLY!!!!!!!!!! ash has finally allowed himself to ask for this, to let himself want it! 

- and eiji would be like OF COURSE I WILL YOU BIG DUMMY, ALWAYS AND FOREVER

- but i think it'd be hilarious if eiji pops up while ash's in the middle of the final showdown and ash's like WTF I TOLD YOU TO WAIT FOR ME and eiji's like I WAS WORRIED OKAY YOU WERE TAKING SO LONG

- idk how this is supposed to end...

- oh wait! since the plot is government-related, maybe Someone will be able to pull strings to wipe out ash’s criminal record (past and present) and give him a brand new 100% legal identity, as thanks for his efforts? or maybe ash (or sing) just does it himself somewhere along the way LOL. anyway, he’ll be able to start over with a fresh clean slate and finally work on recovery FOR REAL NOW. yes this is a happy ending AND it didn’t require him to go to japan /flips off canon

- ...i realise it’s never going to be that simple but W H A T E V E R

- (also they probably will visit japan in the future with that shiny new passport... gotta meet the in-laws and all y’know)

- who do i gotta pay to write this cheesy self-indulgent fic for me