#since there's no like structured tangible Process i guess

[acorrespondence]

*grabby hands* gimme all the heavy heart secrets pls pls pls

Did I already tell you that heavy heart had a different working title? I feel like I did, which means it’s no longer a secret. If not, it was “i’ve sent your saddle home,” after a line in the Hank Williams Sr. Song “Dear John.” I think the overall vibe of Heirloom by sleeping at last (where the posted title comes from) fits the vibe of the fic way more, so I’m very happy to have settled on it.

Another secret, I suppose, is that I had an extremely difficult time coming up with Pemberley’s name. I don’t even generally like regency romance as a genre, at least in its traditional structure with its common tropes, and found Pride and Prejudice a bit of a slog when I read it in high school. But I was trying to think of names inspired by literature and came to it kind of randomly. I guess the thought process was thus: I was considering the tradition in the American South of giving children the mother’s maiden name (or other family name that disappeared through marriage) irrespective of gender, and it didn’t seem too much of a leap from literary surnames to literary place names (it fits the same theme of reclaiming lost inheritance, particularly the kind of inheritance that’s traditionally barred to women, as an overwritten surname being reclaimed in what’s by necessity a roundabout/bastardized way, that being the only way available; plus, inheritance in a less tangible sense—inheritance of trauma, inheritance of a place and its ghosts and memories—is very much one of the story’s central themes). I also thought it was pretty recognizable as a Name Inspired By Literature, from a very popular set of books, and therefore something that a) Pem’s mother might have thought of if Boyd suggested Literary Names despite maybe being less well-read (at least when it comes to the “classics”) and b) is unique and pretentious enough Boyd would have agreed to it.

In the vein of names, another secret: Pemberley’s middle name, Anne, was inspired by Anne of Green Gables. Felicity’s was originally going to be Jo after Jo March, but then I decided that since Felicity isn’t literature-inspired, they probably made a conscious decision to let that be Pemberley’s Thing. So, I switched it to Joan after Joan of Arc (not-so-coincidentally, I think this warrior’s name fits her personality just as well. Plus, I like the symmetry of Felicity Joan and Pemberley Anne.)

(Ask game here)

[divineunderstandingsastrology]

Full moon on January 6th 

This upcoming full moon has the potential to truly open us up emotionally, on the deepest level. It may not feel like a crisis (to be honest full moons often do), but instead it may have more of a cathartic and ethereal vibe. On January 6th Neptune acts almost like a mediator between Cancer and Capricorn, which are naturally opposing energies. The axis of Capricorn and Cancer revolve around our private versus public selves, and the side of us that is focused on getting ahead, versus the side of us that is focused on empathy and emotional experience. Through Capricorn season we’ve maybe been learning about what it takes to ensure success, how we measure up to our own material aspirations, as well as what structures we align with in hopes of being able to achieve. 

The Capricorn sun brings an external focus that is readily committed and forward facing. With the Cancer full moon may come the culmination of all the emotions that have needed tending along the journey of goal-realization, and this is amplified through the Neptunian influence. With the Cancer moon opposing Mercury during its retrograde transit there could be themes surrounding the processing of emotion, especially as full moons are an emotional time anyway. We may have emotional reflections stirred up in the form of assessing what it is that is missing internally: what forms of deep connection are being neglected for the sake of tangible movement forward? Cancer moons are an important time to check in internally, as whatever is imbalanced emotionally will show up on the outside and hinder progress or stability. There is no way to exist without eventually experiencing the imbalances that exist between our inner and outer worlds. 

This particular full moon could be a time to examine our familial bonds and certain things from the past that have contributed to how we think and behave (Mercury) today, plus their potential effect on our future. All facets of the self stem from past influences, and with Cancer being the sign of the full moon we may notice our thoughts and emotions lingering on the past and we may feel greatly nostalgic. With the moon Trining Neptune the full moon has a chance to go really deep. There could be an opening up of wishful thought processes and hopefulness (much needed, I would say!), especially since Mercury is sextiling Neptune as well. This is a good time to indulge in the dreamier aspects of seeking success - to not allow self criticism (rife with Mercury retrograde in Capricorn) or the instinct of devaluing our efforts to derail our vision of personal potential. 

With Mercury retro conjuncting the sun during the full moon, there could definitely be a tendency to overthink the self in emotional ways - second guessing or feeling insecure about standing in the world could come up, especially with the moon in Cancer putting out a call to focus on emotional stability, and value the things that almost matter least in the current capitalistic environment of the world - things such as: emotional sensitivity, self understanding, depth and stability in an internal sense. The upcoming Cancer full moon sextiles Uranus, which brings a sense of feeling ready for a change - a shift in perspective as well as a rearrangement of our comfort zones. Uranus in Taurus shakes us up in terms of how we get stuck in ruts due to being complacent or overly comfortable, and so this energy is somewhat carried into the full moon on January 6th.

Overall this will be a time to focus on how we can become emotionally aligned and focused on the future in ways that are resonant with who we really are emotionally, and to try to move away from self doubt and cynical thought processes. By recognizing and not rejecting the past as well, we can better utilize our intuition in order to release what it is that no longer serves us.

[celinetsengg]

Week 5 Reflection: "5-Year Odyssey"

Where do I see myself in 10 years? 

Personally, this is a difficult question because I genuinely have no idea what I want to do with my professional career. I hope in ten years, I am at a job that I genuinely am passionate about. Currently, I think I am on the pre-med track, so I guess in 10 years I’ll be some sort of doctor?? I don’t think that I have to enjoy every single second of it, but if I can find purpose in what I am doing and feel fulfilled then the ups and downs should be worth it. I don’t necessarily want to be stuck in a rut of working in a 9-5 at a small cubicle, and I wish to be able to make a tangible difference to communities that especially need it. I think hearing and/or being exposed to all sorts of people is what creates fulfillment in my life, as I love learning about other people and their life stories. Furthermore, I hope I can surround myself with colleagues that I admire and that inspire me to continue my aspirations, as I often find the greatest motivation through my community. I also hope to be financially stable from my career, and on the way to become financially stable enough to support both myself and a family. 

Tangentially, I guess I could also end up pursuing a path not exactly in medical school, but somewhere along the lines of biotechnology. After taking a biotech class, the intricacies of pharmaceutical companies are quite interesting to me. Perhaps I would combine this with some sort of business aspect, as my parents have always encouraged me to take business classes and pursue that industry if I really wanted to. This path is a lot more open-ended, and is really up to me to figure out where/what I wish to do, which is why I feel that I stray away from this for the fear of the unknown. I definitely would be able to have more of a work-life balance in this case, though.

If I had unlimited resources and time, I definitely would choose to become an artist, or at least go to art school. In another life, I would go to art school, perhaps in New York City, and be a burnt out art student and just live in the studio all day. Back in  high school when I was applying to colleges, I was so sure I did not want to apply to art schools, or even apply to the Brown x RISD dual degree program, but now sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be able to take art classes at college (since UCLA’s are not open to non-majors). I truly miss sitting in the studio for hours at a time, putting my music on aux and simply painting based on my intuition. Now, I feel stunted and that I have been ignoring my passion for the arts. Art school has always been so intriguing to me, as I feel like you truly are tested to your creative limits but also are forced to produce so much artwork. For me, having that structure is what helps me stay motivated, and the variety of art classes, from printmaking to oil painting to figure drawing, would be so cool to experience as a full time art student. I also think being surrounded with all sorts of creatives would be so fulfilling in so many ways as well, as I feel that you really learn a different side of people from their artwork. In this alternate universe, I wouldn’t have to memorize the structures of the cells or the patterns of oscillations in bodily processes, and I could explore NYC at night with my art school friends. To be honest, I don’t know if I could ever survive that lifestyle, constantly cranking out artworks and spending so much time on these all-consuming pieces, but it seems like a unique challenge that I unfortunately will never get to experience. 

I think in all of these paths, I find a balance between my inward happiness and also outward fulfillment from the things I am doing. I truly value finding a balance in everything I do, and so regardless of what my future holds for me, I hope I can continue to balance my family, social life, career, and personal time. I know for a fact that in either of the two first paths, I care deeply about my financial stability, which is something my parents have always raised me to do. This is why I would never be able to go to art school, or become an artist, but I hope in the future when I have more stability in my life, I am able to pick up this hobby again and find fulfillment in that.

[kbelflower]

I've been thinking a lot about recording my train of thought in some way - it's just been rattling around in my brain for years now, like an itch I wanna scratch but don't know exactly how to reach. So, I guess I'll just try here.

I've been developing a fun passion project in my free time for about two years now. It's a text adventure remake/demake of the original Fallout, and I've (rather vainly) called it Manhattan's Fallout or ManFall for short. Now when I say two years, and *free time*, let me be clear - I have very low work ethic, and dragging myself out of my funk and into the work seat has been a constant and never ending process. If I had actually put myself to the test, set a detailed schedule and followed it, held myself accountable and such, I would likely already be done with it. But that's neither here nor there.

The game started as a completely faithful recreation of the original Fallout, but as you can probably guess, that didn't exactly mesh well in a text-based format. The first Fallouts are largely point and click RPGs, which is somewhat difficult in a medium where visuals aren't the primary form of storytelling and gameplay.

As a result, there have always been compromises between nostalgia and fun along with new ideas that I've brought up to make sense of it all. I always tried to keep myself within the bounds of the lore, never straying farther than I felt I could get away with in the public conscious. But last month, February of 2023, something just...snapped. I decided to jump full force into straight remaking the game, taking the coat of paint and the themes and pivoting to a complete text adventure reimagining of a game from the 90s. And I'll explain everything I've changed so far.

Firstly, the year that the game takes place in. Eighty years after the Great War always felt really strange for the first Fallout - not soon enough after the bombs to be recent, but not long enough since them to be a whole new world. It was the grandfather era, where your grandparents likely saw the world end but you yourself don't know of it for better or worse.

For the simple desire to include more plotlines focused on the old world, and to allow for a much harsher post-apocalypse in general, I decided to shave off 50 years and set the game in 2107: thirty years after the bombs fell. It's recent enough that most people have parents who survived it or saw it happen themselves, the weather can be harsher and more extreme, society can be more cobbled together and selfish, and the old world is still fresh in the minds of civilization so the loss feels more real and tangible. For this game to work, it needs to feel like an entire age of human history has come to an explosive close, like we held it in the palm of our hands and now it's nothing but ashes and ruins. If it feels like a fairy tale told to children rather than an event that ruined humankind forevermore, then I have failed.

Second, I've made the choice to move away from an open-world exploration model in lieu of a hub-based system. Open worlds are everywhere nowadays, some good and some bad, with Fallout being one of the poster children of this setup. But for me, a solo developer that is hand-crafting a game played entirely through dialogue and prose, the ability to travel to any settlement at any time in the game would only lead to each settlement feeling bland after a while. I can't feasibly have enough interactivity for a player to find new and unique content no matter what order they play each location in, and I won't break myself in two trying to achieve that.

By segmenting the game into hubs, or more accurately into *chapters*, I can include a handful of two to three locations per chapter (maybe just one if it's big enough) and build upon player choices each chapter without having to account for extensive backtracking. It saves me time, allows for more detailed story structure as I'm not factoring in player retreads, and allows the game to feel much more like an actual interactive novel.

Thirdly, I'm changing up some of the plot points in the game. They aren't huge plot points that alter the story itself, but rather replacing one character in the endgame with another character who you meet much earlier (you'll know it when it happens) and adding a twist into the Necropolis portion of the game. I believe these two changes, though they aren't the only ones, will better tie the Water Chip plot and the Super Mutant plot together in ways that the original game didn't.

There is only one more big change that I can give info on right now, and that's because it's something that might confuse players if I don't handle it correctly and I just wanna explain this off the bat: The Hub and Junktown have been conceptually merged, meaning I took pieces of both (characters, stories, ideas, etcetera) and pieced them together in a way that I believe strengthens the whole. It takes the more boring parts of both locations and paints over them with the better implementations of those aspects from each other. Gizmo is still a casino boss, Killian is still the city's sheriff and mayor, and Decker has been better integrated into the caravan lifestyle in a way that I think makes working with the caravans a lot more of a gray area.

There are other things I've been thinking about doing, but those are the most set in stone big changes since I decided to pivot recently. I'll keep you posted, thanks for reading 👍

[lucky-draws]

do you have any tips on coming up with fic ideas? i write maybe one or two short chapters then give up bc i dont know where to take the plot. how do you keep it going so long?

ooh hello!! good question,, it's difficult to say definitively "this is how to come up with ideas", since they sort of just happen naturally i guess, but hopefully i can try to say some things that might help you,, (this answer will probably get very long and waffly, and i apologise in advance LOL. actually, ill put it under a read more, i guess.)

I suppose I would say firstly, I think it helps when writing fics (or any kind of story) to have a plan or a clear idea in your head of what you want to write and how it will end up Before you actually start writing; you don't have to have it all planned out to the exact detail but at the very least having an end goal in mind, or a definite theme or idea that you want to get across, can help you to know where you're going as regards the plot. (I know this doesn't solve the problem of having an idea in the first place, but having an idea of what direction you want to go in, where you want it to end up, before you begin, makes you less likely to get stuck half way through and not know what else to write I guess.)

I started out by doing short fics, with no real plot to speak of, just snippets/short scenes; and then eventually after getting more confident with writing and also getting more into the series/characters I then started trying longer fics. Don't feel bad if all you can write is short stuff for now; quality not quantity and all that.

And I guess this is an obvious thing to say, but to keep a fic going for longer you need more stuff to happen!! lol. It could take place over a long time, over different places, there's probably going to be some kind of Event or incident it all revolves around; having some kind of fight or conflict will expand it because you can think about how and why the fight happens, what's the aftermath, the resolution. You could think about is there a certain atmosphere you want to create; something summery, something scary and gloomy, etc etc; and therefore what kind of things can happen within this setting? If you have some characters who maybe don't like each other at first, then can you think up a plot where some kind of extreme situation or a series of situations forces them to work together, get to know each other, etc, things like that? Are you going to build up to some big Thing or some Realisation happening at the end? It doesn't necessarily need to take place over a long time; it could be a 'one day in the life of [x character]' kind of thing, but perhaps it's a terrible horrible no good very bad day, and a lot of shit goes down.

Honestly, if you're really stuck for ideas, there's no shame in going for the really clichéd fanfic tropes like, idk, "there's only one bed" or "tattoo artist and florist au" or whatever, because it at least gives you a starting point; you can expand upon it in your own way, and you can think of ways to subvert the trope etc. Even things like the '5 times they almost [x] and one time they actually did' or whatever can be a good template, because you're forced to think up six different scenarios.

I don't know what media you're writing for, but are there any gaps in the canon that you could use fic to explore? Characters that never canonically interacted but plausibly could have done, and so on? That's part of the reason for some of my writing, exploring stuff that was only referenced in canon but was never actually shown.

Tbh, my ideas often start from just single sentences or lines of dialogue which come to me randomly during idle pondering of the blorbos; I might start out with just one or two scenes that I can imagine clearly, or a spicy conversation which I think will be good, and then it's like the plot and everything else kind of gets built around, or builds up to that moment.

I guess I'd say don't sweat it too much if you're struggling to keep fics going; like everything it takes time and practice, and sometimes you just can't force an idea to happen. I've had a fic in mind for ages that I've only just got around to planning out properly; it was just a concept and a handful of imagined paragraphs without any real details/logistics as to the plot, but eventually it took shape.

This has been said before by countless people but it's pretty much true I think, and that's the fact that in general, the best writing advice is to just read lots xD Whether it's books or fanfic, read a lot and read a variety, and subconsciously you'll start to get more of a feel for how stories take shape, what kinds of things you can do, what kind of style you can write in, and so on. I remember that I was struggling a little when I first started doing fics with my writing being too wordy, too long winded; but I started reading a collection of very short stories by an author with a very concise style, and that gave me a bit of a lightbulb moment; I started to get more of a feel for how to keep things more direct, but still retain enough substance.

Tbh, I will say also that I feel like for me, with metal gear solid, it's just fortunate that there's a lot of scope to write abt stuff in this series, like there's a lot of things I want to write about; I've never really written fic for any other fandom fgjjgkg it's just mgs that has like. driven me to start writing fanfic properly, I just have some extreme brainworms for these characters. Honestly I would love to write like, original fiction some day but I would have no idea what to write about or what kind of plot...so yeah, you're definitely not alone when it comes to scratching your head for ideas.

I don't know if any of this has been helpful at all; I can at least say, ending on a positive note, that the fact that you've managed to write anything at all, even a couple of short chapters, is no small feat!! Writing just a single paragraph counts for something. Keep on keeping on, etc!!! Even if you ended up giving up on a fic, someone will surely still get some enjoyment out of the one or two chapters you did write. People are generally hungry for content!!

I guess that's all I can think of to say for now; drop by again if you want to ask anything further, anything more specific, whatever. Good luck in all your fic writing endeavours!! o7 <3

[randomvarious]

DJ Lunatic & the Asylum - “Atari 2600 VCS” Lumptronic 2: Pickin' Boogers and Butter Beats 1997 Abstract / Minimalism

I have no idea who DJ Lunatic or the Asylum are, but they're (singular or plural) probably from Chicago, since this comes off a comp put out by Lumpen, a Windy City-based weird arts and hard-left politics organization that produces a magazine and has released a bunch of comps over the years, too. Coincidentally, I was listening to an episode of the Media Roots Radio podcast a couple weeks ago, and their guest, Doug Lussenhop, aka DJ Douggpound, of Tim & Eric and Office Hours Live fame, mentioned that he was part of Lumpen in his early days. So maybe DJ Lunatic and/or the Asylum is DJ Douggpound, but probably not.

Anyway, I really admire the courage of someone who makes weird, abstract, minimal shit like this and thinks, "yeah, that's good enough" when they've decided that they're done making it. I mean, this is so far off-the-grid that I can't even begin to fathom what it was that DJ Lunatic & the Asylum were going for with this song, but naturally, it also elicits a bunch of questions from me, like:

Why did you make this?

What were you trying to get across by making this?

Were you on drugs when you made this?

What kind(s) and how much drug(s) were you on when you made this?

How much time did it take you to make this?

Why did you spend that much time making this?

Was there anything in this song that you spent a substantial amount of time on trying to get just right?

I'm really fascinated by the thought process behind things like this that are just so unrelatable when compared to other forms of music. Like, if you're a pop producer trying to put something together, you can tangibly build something and then feel satisfied when you find that missing piece that completes your song. But with this? It's totally uncharted territory. There's absolutely no structure or constraints. It's not even really a genre, whatever you want to call this, and I guess that's sort of the implied point. With sound, you can literally make anything that you want. And here's DJ Lunatic & the Asylum to remind you of that fact.

[bookish-mbti]

Some Frasier MBTI types

Scott has gotten me into watching Frasier and these characters are satisfyingly typable, so I wanted to make a post elaborating on the MBTI types of the Crane brothers.

Frasier Crane | ENFJ

Frasier’s functional stack is easily readable and because of it, he is a fantastic example of an ENFJ. The outer world and social structures are what defines Frasier’s reality.

Frasier exists in the outer world of established external structures, measurements of value, and social status. He appreciates things that can be thought of as impressive based on external reference, even such as the items he so values in his apartment: “This lamp by Corbusier, the chair by Eames, and this couch is an exact replica of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier.” He likes things that are socially recognized to be impressive or renowned.

ENFJs also use auxiliary Ni, and as such, Frasier is very insightful and thrives when guiding individuals towards their best path and potential. His radio show allows him to do this on a broader scale with a wider audience, while also allowing him to fulfill his role in a way noticeable externally within the societal structure he values. Fe-Ni tends to work with groups of people such as a classroom as a teacher, and in Frasier’s case, it is his radio show.

Se is tertiary in Frasier. ENJs, though they are not Se dominant, are often very action-based. This advice from Frasier, in my opinion, exemplifies healthy use of an ENFJ’s functions: “Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of... hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was clinging to a life that wasn’t working anymore, and I knew I had to do something, anything. So, I ended the marriage once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle. I took action. And you can, too. Move, change, do something; if it’s a mistake, do something else.”

Tertiary Se is more noticeable than inferior and ENJs may score surprisingly high on Se, caught between their penchant for deriving meaning and passion for making their dreams realities.

Frasier is sensitive to criticism, which comes from inferior Ti. When he is criticized in a column in the Times with the simple statement “I hate Frasier Crane,” he can’t help but feel as though it is an unwarranted personal attack. Ti is a function based in impartial analysis and criticism of structures or methods, completely independent of people and in conflict with an Extraverted Feeling approach.

Further, after he is sold a false piece of artwork, he is infuriated by the injustice, the blatant lack of regard for ethics. His idealism that people are good, respectful, and care for the well-being of others (Fe-Ni) is shattered. He keeps grasping for some way others and systems may help him—first through calling the police, and then by considering hiring a lawyer. When both Martin and Niles say it isn’t worth it and when Martin tells him that sometimes bad things happen in life and there’s nothing you can do, Frasier has immense trouble coping with the concept. Feeling dominants often run into conflict with the approaches of the Thinking functions, which they perceive to be cold, heartless, and, in the more extreme, immoral.

Another characteristic of Frasier’s inferior Ti can be seen in the second episode, when he is still adjusting to his father and Daphne moving in with him. In the case of an inferior Ti eruption episode, Fe dominants become uncharacteristically cold and withdrawn. In this episode, Frasier is perturbed by all of the ways Martin and Daphne have infiltrated the life he worked to build for himself. He is uncharacteristically in a bad mood, seeking solitude, and short with understanding; his tertiary Se is used defensively to defend his uncharacteristic, self-based need for solitude by saying that since the situation isn’t working out now in the present moment, then there is no hope of it getting better and he should change something about it.

Niles Crane | INFJ

Niles’ function stack is also one that is very readable and makes him a great example of an INFJ.

While he is similar to his older brother, there are some distinct differences. Where Frasier’s typical impulse is to seek out others and talk to them, in need of feedback, Niles is more private and withdrawn, mulling over things internally before externally voicing a conclusion. Where Frasier thrives navigating the social world and being a prominent face in the community, Niles considers his radio show “pop psychiatry” and values a more typical setting where he can see patients one-on-one rather than seeking a broad audience and outward recognition. This is not to say that Extraversion and Introversion have to do with sociability or ability to perform in front of an audience—Niles frequently holds group therapy sessions and workshops etc.—but than IFJs and EFJs tend to differ in their natural preferences. EFJs like to immerse themselves actively in a society and have engagement and involvement. IFJs don’t require this external feedback or engagement, and many times like to help others in more controlled, individual sessions.

One example Niles’ Ni is evident is after he and Frasier see their father having dinner with an old family acquaintance. They remember that her family used to be close to theirs until one summer they had a falling out and were no longer acquainted. The next day, Niles arrives at Frasier’s apartment and announces he had been doing some thinking, wondering why their father was with that woman, so he dug up his old childhood journal and an old photo album their late mother had put together. In the journal around the time they remembered the family friends having a falling out, Niles had written that he had seen his father and her in each other’s arms. In the photo album photos from that summer, there were multiple photos with a woman cut out of them. With these things brought to attention, Niles suggests a theory that their father had an affair. This is Ni—seeing something, mulling it over, connecting separate pieces, and arriving at a conclusion. Frasier first strikes down the accusation, saying there isn’t enough evidence. Again, this is Niles’ Ni—the connections he has made are based on internal thought processes, not totally tangible, but make sense in his linear internal logical deductions based on a couple of pieces of evidence. Ni can derive insight and theory based on minimal things in reality and is not dependent exclusively on what is experienced through the senses.

Another example of Niles’ being his type, and perhaps a good example of how INFJs tend to offer advice in general, can be seen in this conversation between him and Frasier in episode 2.

Frasier: Niles, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Dad and I had another fight. I’m afraid if we stay under the same roof together we’ll do irreparable harm to the relationship we have as it is.

Niles: Well, what are the alternatives?

Frasier: Well, if I didn’t feel so guilty I’d, I’d do what I should have done in the first place: just move dad and Daphne into their own apartment.

Niles: Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier. It hasn’t been that long, you have to give it a chance. And you might remember why you moved him in in the first place.

Frasier: Refresh me.

Niles: You wanted to get closer to dad.

Frasier: I still do. There isn’t anything I’d like more, but he makes it impossible. I can’t read my book, I can’t have my coffee, I can’t have any peace in my own home.

Niles: So what you’re saying is, you want to be closer to dad, but you don’t actually want him around. Ask yourself Frasier, have you tried to sit down and talk to him—I mean, really talk to him?

Frasier: Well, I... Maybe I haven’t done my best. I guess I owe that to the old man, don’t I? Well, ah, thanks for the chat, Niles. You’re a good brother, and a credit to the psychiatric profession.

Niles’ dominant Ni urges Frasier to see past the interpersonal rifts and down to the heart of what matters most, which was Frasier’s original goal: to become closer to his father. Conflict that seems unsolvable through talking it out is a trigger to Fe dominants, and as such, it was hard for Frasier to see past it. Niles’ Ni reminds him of the goal despite this conflict, as Ni as a dominant function is more zoomed out and big-picture; while Niles too uses Fe and is people-focused, he primarily views the world through Ni, which sees things outside of the framework of relationships, whereas Frasier’s dominant Fe was stuck seeing only the relationships and the conflict within them and he forgot the original goal. Additionally, Niles’ use of Ni prompts Frasier to point his own auxiliary Ni at himself and remind himself of his personal responsibility and purpose to the situation with his father.

Niles’ inferior Se is noticed more comically, such as how he doesn’t remember meeting Roz even after he has met her multiple times, nor does he remember where they met. Ni is a very internally-based function, and with inferior Sensation, Ni dominants can have trouble recalling concrete information about their surroundings or people they come into contact with in the external world. Another example of an INJ’s inferior Se can be seen when Niles is gripping shortly after his divorce. He begins to date someone completely opposite from his normal temperament and is impulsive, spontaneous, and doesn’t give any deep thought to his actions or the purpose for these actions. He stays out all night, drinks more, plans a trip with his new girlfriend to another country. It is all very out of character for him, which happens when an INJ is gripping—usually notoriously inert and cerebrally-based, they become active and spontaneous in the outer world, over-indulging in sensory activities.

[theastrophilearchitect]

I started writing a book.

And I’m mad about it, because I just started this post, brought up a new tab and lost it because I didn’t save my draft.

Anyway. That’s a thing I did. Wow.

As of this moment, this post won’t be going up until April 19th, but I’m starting writing this at 10.30pm on Sunday, February 21st, 2021. I’ve done a lot in the last couple weeks, and I want to have some record of all I’ve accomplished without just letting most of it fade over the next two months.

I’ve always wanted to be an author. From when I was reading under my covers with a torch past bedtime, through the years I wanted to be an artist, through the years I wanted to be a lawyer. It’s always been there - no matter what primary career path I went down, I wanted to be an author. The last few years, I’ve been invested in becoming a biologist, and that dream really took a backseat.

In the start of this lockdown, my mental health went downhill, and some advice my therapist gave me was just to prioritise myself. It sounds simple enough, but, even in my free time, I’d been focusing on schoolwork - revising constantly for exams I’m still not sure are actually happening. (Boris Johnson is apparently making an announcement tomorrow about beginning to ease lockdown, but we’ll see) So, on Saturday, February 6th, I started an attempt to coalesce the ideas I had floating in my head into something tangible.

I’ve tried to write books countless times (not technically countless - I have all the documents on my laptop, so I could if I wanted to), but mostly, I’ve never gotten further than a couple bare plot points and some characters, maybe some ideas for subplots, before I’ve stagnated and given up.

Three times, I’ve finished a skeletal outline. Twice, I’ve started to go back over those outlines only to realise they made no sense or just seemed week, and simply not cared enough to fix it. Until now, I guess.

February 6th, 7th, and fast-forward to my week off beginning the 15th, up until the 19th, I kept developing this concept I’d managed to form, but I was struggling to establish a coherent plot. I had up until and including a midpoint (which was later condensed into just a first act), but everything after that was just a void. I began searching for some skeletal structure I could apply to it, both to work on pacing and fill in the blanks. I tried several, and got a little further, but was about to give up hope.

Then I remembered a video by Katytastic I’d watched years ago about the 3-act, 9-block, 27-chapter structure she used, and couldn’t see the harm in giving it a go. And something clicked.

You can find the video here - the structure’s detailed and easy to follow, plus she even gives an example of using it to generate a plot.

I started binge-watching her writing vlogs in the background, and even started using her same writing program, Scrivener, which just made every a thousand times easier by taking away the need to juggle a billion Word documents. It’s fairly pricey, but I’m currently using the 30-day free trial - it’s 30 days of use, not of ownership, too: if you use it every day, it lasts 30 days, but if you use it once a week, it lasts 30 weeks.

Where Kat used the 27 parts the structure broke down into as chapters, I chose to refer to them as beats, and separate chapters later.

On Saturday the 20th, I finished defining my scenes and started writing an actual draft. I wrote two scenes, putting me at a collective word count (not including notes, synopses, etc.) of 2,580 words.

This morning, Sunday the 21st, I started over. I hated my opening. I’m not going to go through the mess of today’s process, but I currently have around 80 one-line-outline scenes, split into 3 acts. I wrote a draft of my prologue and detailed-outlined (which I’m mentally referring to as zero-outlining because it’s similar to how Katytastic does what she calls a zero draft, but is very much outlining, not a draft) two and a half other chapters. Scriver also tells me how many words I wrote in total, across notes, character profiles, location lists, a document I’ve named ‘Train of Thought’ for my ramblings as I go etc.

Today, I wrote a grand total of 4,141 words, which, rather counterintuitively, puts me at a draft total of 2,598. That makes sense. Anyway.

There are a lot of unknowns in the world right now, and I have no idea how much time I’ll have in the next six months to invest in this project, but I’d like, at bare minimum, to have one complete draft by the start of the next school year in September, which gives me just over 6 months. Which is probably too much time to actually motivate myself, but that’s not the point.

A manuscript needs to have a minimum word count of 50K words to be considered a novel, so, even though my ultimate goal for this project is around 80K words, 50K is going to be my goal for this draft.

I’m being optimistic about sticking with this.

Tuesday 23/02/2021 - Word Count: 3,099 I wrote nothing yesterday; planning to focus writing solely on days off rather than work days, but last night, watching through the incredibly long queue of Alexa Donne writing videos, I came to the conclusion writing every day, even just a little, would be the best way to ensure I keep working on this, so I set myself a goal of just 500 words a day.

Wednesday 24/02/2021 - Word Count: 5,350 After doing a little bit of maths as to how long this outlining and draft would take me if I were to only write 500 words a day, I decided to boost that goal to 1,000. I got started around 1pm today, online school draining me so much I couldn’t face another two hours. I worked on and off until 6pm, and around 4.45pm, I finished outlining Act One!

Thursday 25/02/2021 - Word Count: 7,022 I continued my scene outlining into Act Two, but I hit a brick wall around the midpoint. I have to write chronologically - some people jump around, but I have to write linearly, or it feels like I’m trying to make something in a void. It just doesn’t work. I didn’t know how to get from one scene to the next - there were so many things I needed to establish to get there, but I didn’t want to backtrack. I decided to re-jig the whole thing, but, after dinner, I realised I didn’t have to, and instead, decided to just start a draft, conscious of the things I need to establish as I go.

Friday 26/02/2021 - Word Count: 8,208 Starting draft one, I rewrote the prologue I’d already written, technically putting me to my second draft of it, because I’d been thinking about it for days and just wanted to revisit it, and it was so much better. Then I moved on to chapter one, but decided I wanted to re-jig my chapters. While outlining, I’d split the whole book into only about twenty chapters, but decided to go for shorter ones for more effective divisions of the story. I got most of the way through the first scene of chapter one, but basically ran out of both time and motivation, since I hadn’t heavily outlined that scene. in total, I wrote over 2000 words today, but because I only increased the prologue word count by about 100 words, it didn’t do that much to the total count.

Saturday 27/02/2021 - Word Count: 11,050 I got some chores done Saturday morning and focused on finishing my book so I could include it in my February wrap-up, but I still had time to get some writing done around mid-day. My goal was just to hit 10K this weekend, but I though I could do it in one day. I wrote about 1,000 words before feeling a little word-drained, but took a break for lunch, got back to it and wrote 2,400 words. Though that only added a little over 2,000 to the word count, it took me to 10K! I’m 20% of the way to being able to call it a novel! We’re in quintuple digits!

And then eight hours later, I wrote another thousand words and got to 11K.

Sunday 28/02/2021 - Word Count: 13,722 I spent most of my Sunday morning writing, though it took me more than two hours to write about 1500 words, though it only added about 1100 to my count. I decided to set myself an overall and weekly deadlines to hold myself accountable. Due to the fact I don’t yet have a clue how many words this will work out as, I decided I wanted to have either a complete first draft or 100K words (which I doubt I’ll reach, but it seems like a good way to make myself finish the draft before my deadline) by the end of April. Which works out to a little under 1500 words a day, or just under 11K a week, which is perfectly doable. Bearing in mind my current word count is including outlines, but I still believe in myself.

I wrote another 1600 words later, which took me to 14K, until I deleted the 300 word outline I wrote for one scene, but I worked out my words per day for the next two months with the assumption of a 10K word count as of March 1st and a target of either a complete draft or 100K words by the end of April, so I’m nearly 4,000 words ahead of schedule. Which gives me 6,606 words to write this week, instead of 10,328. (If you couldn’t tell, I like numbers. They just make sense to me.

Monday 01/03/2021 - Word Count: 15,005 I didn’t quite hit my daily goal, but I was completely leached of motivation today, I’m ahead of schedule anyway and I was only under by less than 200 words. It’s alright. But, hey, we hit 15K! Two days after hitting 10K!

Tuesday 02/03/2021 - Word Count: 21,119 This was an insane writing day. My end-of-day target was only 16,480, and that was still ahead of schedule - if I was sticking to the 100K by April 30th, I’d only actually need to be at 12,950 today. This was the best writing day I’ve ever had. I wrote before school and during breaks, which kept both my writing and working momentum up.

I didn’t read a page of my current read, but I wrote a total of 7,681 words and increased my wordcount by 6,114 words, or literally an additional 40.75%. I hit 20K three days after hitting 10K, and am 42.238% of the way to being able to say I wrote a novel, be it a shitty first draft that won’t be complete at 50K words.

I also finished chapter three, which I’ve been working on for three days and came out ~5,000 words, and wrote chapters four and five in their entirety.

Note to self: this is day 10 of vaguely outline-drafting this project.

Wednesday 03/03/2021 - Word Count: 23,364 I've only written 490 words today, as of writing this update, but I just wanted to make note of the fact I've done some calculations, and can reasonably finish my draft this month. I'm still not completely sure how long it'll work out to be, so I can't quite work out my daily words to finish on the 31st, but if I stick to my current 1,475 words a day, I'll hit 63,894 words by the end of the month, which is a little less than I imagine this draft will be, but if I stick to that as a minimum, my first draft won't have to go into April.

I'd like to post this later this week, but I already have a post for this Friday, so God only knows how long this will be by the time it goes up. So far, I've written 1,900 words today, and I don't think I'm out of fuel yet, but I'm stopping because I need to read today, and I'd rather not burn out. I'm over my goal, anyway.

Oh, also, I'm nearly at 25K, which is halfway to a novel, but I haven't broken into Act Two yet, which means this book will be 75K minimum. I'm going to do some maths and work out how many words a day to hit 80K by March 31st. 2,030. That's doable. So I haven't read, but back to writing for like ten minutes.

I've now hit an additional 2,245 words for the day, though I wrote a total of 2,663

Thursday 04/03/2021 - Word Count: 25,415 I've decided to work out how many words I need to write each day to hit 80K by March 31st, and watch the fluctuations. (I like statistics). It should steadily go down throughout the month if I surpass it each day. Today's minimum word count is 2,023, already seven words less than yesterday's. How exciting.

The last scene of Act One was very heavy on world-building I haven't yet figured out, so I stuck what was meant to happen in brackets and just moved on, meaning I have now broken into Act Two!

I think, during the week, I'm going to focus on just meeting my minimum word count rather than exceeding it, just to save fuel for the weekends, when I can write so many more words.

And, we hit 25K! I'm halfway to a novel!

Friday 05/03/2021 - Word Count: 26,693 In complete honesty, I'm beginning to lose momentum. Maybe it's just today, but I don't really want to write and feel like I need a break, but I'm going to make myself write anyway. I'm going to make myself keep writing until this draft is done, however shitty it may end up. I really hate first drafts.

When you say 2,000 words is only 7-8 pages, it doesn't sound like that much to write per day but my god. Luckily, most of the stuff I've had to save to a Pinterest board called 'Writing Motivation' says if you write when you don't want to, it should pass instead of worsening. I wanted to hit 35K this weekend, but I'm not sure I'll have the momentum. I'll at least hit 31,270, though, which is my minimum goal for this week. I'm still over 700 words off my goal for today, but I'm taking a break because my head is foggy and there's still eight hours left in the day. Besides, 700 after dinner is easy. She says, realising she's probably jinxing it. Oh, well. 80K by March 31st would be difficult, even if I weren't going back to school soon, but that's a stretch goal. 100K by April 31st is my minimum, and I'm 9,000 ahead of where I need to be for that.

I think I’m stagnating because I’ve hit the ‘Fun and Games’ section, which I find really boring. I’m going to try to keep going with it, but I may just skip it and come back later.

Saturday 06/03/2021 - Word Count: 28,150 So, I did not get the extra 700 words in. Before dinner, some stuff I had to deal with came up, and by the time it was done, I just wanted to go to bed, so I did. Today, I'm going to try to make up for it, which I think is reasonable because it is now the weekend. I'm still kinda exhausted this morning, but I'm going to do my best, and my wrist hurts, but I'm not sure why. You'd think it would be from all the typing, but only one wrist hurts - you know what? Never mind. They do both hurt. I'm just not sure why, but it doesn't hurt typing this, so that doesn't make any sense. Anyway, to hit my word count for the day, I need to write 2,555 words, which doesn't sound like too much, but it kinda is because I'm primarily writing Act Two at the minute, and for every thousand words I write, I lose like 400 from my outline. You'd think I'd just not include my scene outlines in the word count, but it's too late for that now.

I'm thinking this over, and I really don't think trying to write 80K by the end of the month is going to be good for either my motivation, mental health, or ability to function back at school, so I'm going to stick to 100K or a finished draft by April 30th, and re-work out my goals from there, based on yesterday's word count, so I'm not making myself do catch-up today.

So, to hit 100K by April 30th, I only need to write 1,309 words each day (which will decrease over time because if that's my minimum now, I'll probably surpass it, decreasing the amount of words left etc.). That's so much less pressure.

God, I really don't want to write today. I just want to watch YouTube and Netflix and read.

Okay, so here's the thing. I've been working on this story straight for three weeks and I'm kinda exhausted of it. I'm not done with it, not at all, and I want to keep working on it because it exists, which makes it workable.

I watched a writing vlog by ShaelinWrites yesterday, and she said she writes different projects at once, alternating in week- or multi-week-long blocks. I think I might try that.

My plan with this post and the following updates was to keep updating it until the day it goes up, the day after which is when I begin drafting the next, but, since I may be switching projects for a while and this is really about the project I've decided to dub 'Bay Tree' (which is just, I guess, a pseudonym for here because while I have no idea what it would eventually be called, I know that's nothing like the title I'd want to give it) so I'd want to start a new post for a new project.

I'm now doing a little outlining instead of actually continuing writing, but I think this will help me, though I'm still not certain about whether or not I'm going to directly continue with this specific project for the minute. Instead of setting daily goals based on a target, I'm also just going to say 1,000 words a day, and see where that takes me.

I've just been outlining into Act Three, and I've met a major plot stumble, but I'm going to work that out and explain what I'm doing in my next writing update.

So, go drink some water, eat if you haven't eaten in the last few hours, stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself how wonderful you are and how much happiness you deserve, and, if you want to write a book, stop thinking about it, and go write.

[elsabarnitt]

CASE STUDY - ‘The Book That Grew’ DandAD 2020 Annual Graphite Pencil Award

1.     FRONT PAGE (slide 1)

For my case study I chose “The Book That Grew”, which won a graphite pencil in the DandAD 2020 awards.

On screen is the first image I saw that made me want to find out more, so I thought it was appropriate for it to be the first image you see. I’ll be honest, I only started looking into this project because this image looked cool, and I’ve never seen anything like it before so want to find out more. Looking in further I found high levels of collaboration, thought and a moralistic purpose to help a community become better.

2.     WHAT AM I GOING TO TALK ABOUT (slide 2)

I am going to talk about a book that was grown with the aims to improve farming practises.

Ireland heavily relies on farming as their main source of economic income.

This development of this book was a project which spanned 6-7months and was a collaboration between the Allied Irish Bank, Teagasc; Irelands agriculture and food development authority, Rothco a design agency and the artist Diana Scherer.

In this presentation I elaborate on the creation of this idea, the processes involved, the limitations and the design.

3.     WHY IT WAS MADE (slide 3)

Agriculture accounts for 30% of total emissions in Ireland which is its largest carbon emissions contributor. This can’t continue. The Irish economy is dependent on farming, with 6 billion euros of food and drink specifically reliant upon grasslands for their production. So for this level of farming to survive, it has to become sustainable.

AIB, the Allied Irish Bank has a business relationship with 35% of the farmers in Ireland and therefore this issue is of much importance to them. AIB partnered with Teagasc, who identified 10 tangible lessons and 10 pieces of practical advice to maximise sustainability and increase the profitability. The 10 steps help farmers to achieve a ‘perfect’ 10 rotations of grass grazing per year and produce 10 tonnes of grass per hectare – this is a powerful number that will greatly improve the sustainability of even the most efficient farm.

Hence, 10 being a major theme for this campaign. Which appears in their campaign video as well as the book.

This advice was compiled into a 22 page organically grown book using the very grass that Irish farmers nurture as the medium to carry these important lessons. And I believe this is a perfect example of getting the right message to the right people in the most suitable way.

4.     INTRO INTO IDEA (slide 4)

I contacted the Irish design agency, Rothco via Instagram with a few questions and the offer to have a virtual coffee. To my surprise I got a response and Rob Maguire and Fabiano Dalmacio on the Creative team at Rothco were more than happy to have a zoom call with me.

It was great to be able to hear first-hand, how an agency works with a well-established client relationship to anticipate issues and be able to be proactive about providing solutions. It was also great to explore the whole process and the problems they came across face to face.

From my research I realised they had a long-standing relationship with AIB, and so one of the questions I asked was “Did AIB come to you with a brief, or did you go to them with an idea?”

The answer I received was that: No brief had been released, but Rothco knew AIB was passionate about sustainability and they have a lot of ambitions to do greener work, and knew there was an agricultural brief on its way. They were constantly looking out for things, and said they have a WhatsApp chat where they send ideas to each other at all hours of the day and night.

Fabiano initially came across an article about a visual artist called Diana Scherer who used grass to sustainably make fabrics. His initially reaction was ‘this is really cool, and we have to do something with her’, so they contacted the creative director at AIB who suggested a book or an annual report, because if Diana can grow patterns and textures, she can grow letters and numbers. And from there they contacted Diana to see if it was actually possible, and even she wasn’t completely sure, which shows the risk everyone was willing to take.

Rob and Fabiano were also kind enough to send me photos they had taken of some testers and unused versions. Two of which are on screen now.

As you can see the number 25 hasn’t formed properly.

5.     DIANA (slide 5)

Diana Scherer, a German artist living in Amsterdam, explores the relationship of man versus natural environment. She has come up with a truly unique process, which no one else in the world knows how to do.

She has designed templates which had to be to a specific standard to allow grass roots to grow into them to form patterns. This is called ‘root-weaving’. I got told she is very protective of her work and didn’t show anyone else how to do what she does throughout the whole process.

She has a lab in Amsterdam where she curates her work, which is where the pages were all grown.

6.     LIMITATIONS (slide 6)

The Rothco Design Team went out to Amsterdam to visit Diana to learn about the limitations of her process. One of the main limitations of the technique she has created is that everything has be connected in the template.

For example, if there was a font, it all has to be connected otherwise the roots would simply not take to it. As you can see in this picture there are very small lines connecting each of the letters together.

This project was being curated during Winter, which in terms of gardening isn’t the best time. Diana informed the team that growing in Winter versus Summer would have quite different outcomes and urged them to wait, however due to the time limit Rothco were under they weren’t able to wait but had to make it work in Winter.

From the moment it was harvested the pages started to die. Due to the nature of the project the team decided against using a preservative as that went against what they were trying to achieve. Because of this they decided to have a photography project running alongside it so that you could capture what it looked like the moment It was harvested.

Another limitation was that the size of the page. This really mattered as that would be a deciding factor of how big the typography could be and therefore how legible it was. They decided on 11 x 17 inches, which is roughly the size of an A3 page.

7.     GRID SYSTEM, FONT, SYMBOLS (slide 7)

Due to the constraints I have just mentioned, the design team had to come up with a way to display all of the information in the most efficient and understandable way. They ended up condensing all the information they needed into a grid system inspired by the farmers fields using symbols to tell farmers what to do instead of words. I think its also important to say each page was set out to mimic the yearly calendar to make it easier for farmers to follow.

To the right of the screen I have displayed just a few of the symbols they used. The middle one being one of their field diagram designs.

Top left means Soil

Top right means fencing,

which I’m glad they have a key because I never would have guessed these otherwise.

When on the Zoom call with the creative team I asked what Type style they used and they couldn’t remember, however through one of the images they sent me after our call there were hints that it was ‘Helvetica’, and since comparing the book to this font I am almost certain it is.

SWITCH SLIDE (slide 8)

This is a close up of one of the pages to show you what the symbols look like in the book. Letters were also used as a symbol, for example the T and the F stand for Test and fertilise.

8.     TEMPLATES AND DIANA CHECKING THEM (slide 9)

As spoken about on the previous slides, getting the right size and making sure everything was connected was vital. Therefore, it wasn’t as easy as just choosing fonts and point sizes from a printing point of view, but you had to do it from a gardening one as the pages would grow pixel by pixel. Every time the design team would finish a template, they would send it off to Diana for her to then check it over and see if there was anything wrong with it.

An example that Fabiano gave was that they had some numbers on their templates and Diana would say ‘the size of the zero, you need to increase that otherwise it is going to close in on itself. If you wanted that circle edge you need to make it bigger’.

With this kind of collaboration and exchanging of information the outcome just kept getting better.

SWITCH SLIDE (slide 10)

Here is an image of a digital template beside the root woven version of itself.

As you can see the root woven version on the right hand side isn’t as legible as the digital version. The roots aren’t as bold and perhaps as structured as white is against a black background, however as they were working with nature, it was okay for it not to be perfect, and for the letters to not form 100% accurately.

9.     BOOK BINDING (slide 11)

The book was grown in Amsterdam and was being bound in Dublin by letter press printer and bookbinder Jamie Murphy of the Salvage press.

Each page took roughly 2 weeks to grow and then were all sent separately by courier. As this book is the first of its kind, one of the main challenges was finding the best way to bind it. Jamie was given several test runs that had failed to practice binding with. Everything was so delicate which you can see from the picture on the screen now so special techniques had to be used.

A challenge that Jamie faced was that Rothco were persistent on everything being made out of grass as keeping it as pure as possible was very important to them, so despite Jamie asking for some plastic features he had to find another way to do things.

Jamie burnt the grass in order for it to find a new life as an ink, and also used it to make more pages to act as dividers in the book to protect the delicate pages. Even the cords that hold the book together are made from bamboo

This all demonstrates that when a material such as grass is managed correctly it can work wonders.

10.  CHANGE (slide 12)

The Book That Grew toured round Ireland, and was given the title ‘The best Grassroots campaign of all time’, with the main event being the National Ploughing Championships.

I have been told the book had a very good reception there as well as the knowledge that some farmers have already implemented some of the lessons within the book.

I think that this project has huge relevance in today’s society as sustainability is becoming a top priority for a lot of businesses.

I started off this project with the impression that this was cool, however after researching further no wonder I thought this as it is the world’s first, every page, every word, and every diagram in a book to be formed by real grass roots as they grow. An aspect of this project that has really stuck with me is the fact that you had to wait for the book to make itself as opposed to being able to physically make it and therefore patience was key.

After speaking with Rob and Fabiano on the Creative team at Rothco, I saw the human aspect behind the project and saw the good that they are trying to make which is something that has really inspired me. It is bigger than just its typography which is what it won the award for.

REFLECTION

- I have found this case study project to be very helpful and very interesting. I feel as if I have learnt different ways to find out information as at the beginning of this project I found it quite hard and was coming across the same information over and over. Something that I think had hugely benefitted me was getting in contact with the design agency RothCo and I am so thankful they took time out of their day to speak with me. 

BIBLIOGRAPHY

https://www.lbbonline.com/news/aib-releases-worlds-first-book-literally-grown-from-grass-roots

https://musebycl.io/makers/agency-grew-book-out-grass-support-irish-farmers

https://m.bizcommunity.com/Article/196/614/210434.html

https://marcommnews.com/aib-and-rothco-release-beautiful-new-book-literally-grown-from-grass-roots/

https://www.irishtimes.com/sponsored/teagasc-making-money-by-watching-the-grass-grow-1.1619570

https://www.thedrum.com/creative-works/project/rothco-aib-the-book-grew

https://www.thestable.com.au/rothco-aib-grow-a-book-entirely-from-grass-roots/

[stormyreadingsxx]

The WHO and the WHAT

Giving understanding your chart a chance:

Planetary Alignments

Taurus, Pisces.... Even knowing your sun is a Cancer and your rising in Aries is all good and well. But planets add a whole other layer over the way you may function in a sign (or a house but that’s for another post I guess). It’s easy to remember traits about zodiac signs (like fiery elements and the differences between cardinal and fixed) but do you know what sign a given planet is in? If it is in strength or at a weakness? These observations can turn a non-believer of astrology into an advocate.

My Venus is in Virgo (also my sun and moon sign and of course in fall or working against it’s placement) meaning for ME, finding someone who has the capacity to understand my love language or not take advantage of my mutable big three has been hard. I notice a trend of retreating inward without knowing it (when my emotional needs aren’t met), and others need to see and hear things to know... And there is the disconnect. 

Mercury: ☿ The Messenger ~ The clear ruler of communication (and why the retrograde is so fantastically catastrophic, but more on that later), how we take in, let out, and process information is important. Your sun, moon, & rising should be taken into account separately from this. A sun in Scorpio may mean you’re mysterious, emotional (even if you hide it), and a bit brooding but a Mercury in Leo could mean you explain and express yourself with unexpected flair. Understanding this aspect in your chart can help you be a better listener, talker, or find out what kind of people you want to interact with in the long run. 

*I used my Leo Mercury as an example. I go through introverted, critical, and anxious bouts as an overthinking earth sign, but I’ve always had a knack for telling stories and only recently have I discovered this connection. Using humor to cope is comforting to most people, I guess. lol

Venus: ♀︎ The Lover ~ I will admit to using Sailor Senshi to remember my planetary themes, but yes this one is known emphatically as The Lover. In addition to your sun, moon, and Mercury this can give you insight to how you love, your own love language, and how best someone might receive you. My Virgo Venus has doubled down on the earthy acts of service as mine. I’ve always wanted to make sure the people I love and care about are fed (finishing my food if I cannot) and their lives easier (tidying a room, folding laundry etc...). Somewhere along the way, this became easier than words. 

That’s nice and all, but my criticalness and Mercury-ruled energy (A sharp Virgo way with words that can be weaponized and unfocused Gemini-ness that at best is spacey) it’s hard for me to get through to people at times. Understanding yours (or someone else’s) Venus is their approach to romance (so how much more emotionally intelligent do you feel understanding how you communicate and how you approach love ?). 

Mars: ♂︎ The Warrior ~ If Venus is our feminine ~love~ energy, then Mars is obviously the opposite (at least in symbol). What grinds your gears? Turns thoughts and ideas into action? Mars is about expressing (our anger) and how we get what we desire. What is that cost?

Our drives and our passions.... Mine happens to be in Gemini. I love my ability to go with the flow and appeal to all sorts of people, professions, and hobbies. But this energy (even with my earthiness) is unfocused. Lots of thought and brain action (and typing at 3 am asfcgsd) but harnessing it is not always an easy thing for me. If we can be honest here, it never has. 

I can be easily bored (although I will say I’m crushing boredom in quarantine for the most part) and my mercurial ass is actually exhausted and borderline in distress when I’m bored. My mind races and it becomes anxiety. Even hyper-vigilant criticisms of myself. I’ve turned to bottles, pills, and risky behavior to avoid it! Now that I see and understand this cloying longing to feel like I belong everywhere and the way chaos manifests in my space if I’m not well, I begin to understand and fix that. 

I must find balance in the doing and the not doing but I can’t let my mind get bored. I’ve always been a fidgety person and talked with my hands (my massaged cat and friends can attest to both). And I often take on many projects and only the strong survive.... I used to not understand my Gemini rising but the more I talk, the more it make sense (since it is ruled by the Mercury communicator and the area of the hands).

Jupiter: ♃ The Sage ~ Now here’s something maybe everyone can get into. Luck. Jupiter has to do with a lot of luck in our charts, how we improve our lives and show generosity throughout it. For me, though my Jupiter comes in the same sign as my sun and moon (New Moon babies unite), its is actually at it’s detriment or not working as strongly as it could be (a trend I’m noticing with my Virgo placements lmfao).

Investigation will show that I’ve always been good at being persuasive and using warm graces to win someone over. That’s why from customer service to [REDACTED] (rhymes with.... h*x w*rk), I make a good front of house. My need to see a tangible result of progress (in video games, typing things like this out, or reorganizing all my things, creating art) can be attributed to this. For a day dreamer, I have a very grounded chart. 

Saturn: ♄ The Taskmaster ~ Saturn, Saturn, Saturn.... Known of course by the infamous return, the one denoting when different clusters of generations ‘grow up’ (and I’m pretty sure I’m about due for AND going right through mine but I deleted co__star lmao), some associate with death. The end. Saturn is associated with restriction and limitation. Boundaries. This all sounds negative, but Saturn brings with it structure and meaning. A good relationship and understanding yields great things for life!

“Saturn is often associated with our fathers or father/authority figures. In childhood, the discipline, rules, and regulations imposed on us by our authority figures–from parents, teachers, and the like–were not always pleasant, but they actually helped us to understand the world around us. Similarly, Saturn’s lessons actually help us to grow.”

Ouch.

I will try to let this speak for itself and not project TOO much of my own chart as if you care, but I’ve only recently seen so deeply into what makes up who I am astrologically. I’ve always had a bit of a struggle with boundaries. Initiating them. Holding my space and comfort over others.

I was born during a New Moon and at LEAST one retrograde. 

Saturn.

I can condemn myself for that or I can keep going, deeper and see why and how going forward I don’t fall into the same pitfalls (or maybe give myself a little compassion seeing that others have struggled my struggle). It does kind of feel like the whole world is on it’s Saturn return right now, though. 

Uranus: ⛢ The Revolutionary ~ My Uranus was also in retrograde during my birth. I do feel conflict at this time of riots, protests, and rampant and unrepentant police brutality. People who look just like me die in the streets, in police custody, somewhere in strange circumstances. Vulnerable to covid and staying to help my parents, my place isn't at protests even if it feels like my heart is. I do my part to speak my mind and perspective, donate and raise awareness. Support my allies on the lines in the ways I can. 

I cannot lie and say the present doesn’t scare me. Or being tear-gassed, detained indefinitely, thrown in jail or court, or disappeared. All of it. 

“Uranus is quite at home in the eighth house of resurrections. You are naturally open and support change. “Change is good,” is your constant motto. Re-inventing yourself from time to time sounds like a good idea to you. You couldn’t possibly have it otherwise. Life would be boring without change. Your style and pace of bringing about change though may leave others dazed and breathless. The style of change that you prefer can be destructive to those around you. Your good intentions are never at doubt though. It’s just that you are addicted to your ideas and you sometimes overlook human emotions. Your natural impatience with status quo drives you to move fast leaving the staid behind.”

Maybe I jump ahead getting to houses, but I wanted to switch it up. Though Uranus was essentially moving backwards when I was born (and that seems to not bode well), the house (which can speak to a best way to reach the potential of your placements) seems to have kept me from losing all discernment and ability to adapt. 

On the topic of revolution among other things, I feel conflicted. Helpless. Futile. I’m finding my way through that, but it is almost awe-inspiring to see a struggle mapped out in the charts while I go through it. 

Neptune: ♆ The Dreamer ~ Didn’t I say earlier I’m a bit grounded for a daydreamer? A lot of my daydreams (and borderline escapism lol) are rooted and threaded in reality (especially since covid and damn near martial law have changed everyone’s perceptions of such). I have some far out dreams, but the content in my head could be shockingly close to reality sometimes. I love playing Animal Crossing and other general life simulations and always have.

Your vision of an ideal world may center around respect for rules, order, responsibility, and morality. You need to believe in the realizability of your dreams, and this means that your fantasies usually have a very realistic thread to them. There is a conservative, possibly somewhat cynical element to your nature. Because general optimism/faith does not typically carry or motivate you, energy levels may not be high when you don’t believe in what you’re doing, and inspiration is not easy to find in the first place. However, you can turn a dream into reality more easily than most. Your vision is practical but also doable.

I really am this optimistic-pragmatic-realistic but hardworking ???? person. My Neptune was also in retrogrograde during my birth. It has not hindered my creativity but even that is met with rigid expectations and an expected method for madness. I could stand to be dreamier and I work to inspire a calming, soothing, dreamy atmosphere (essential oils, Virgo 4th house things). But this may be why I always have my brain never too far in the clouds. Not without stimuli. 

Pluto: ♇ The Transformer ~ Ah, Pluto is the Ruler of Scorpio. A deep cut in my chart but I have always had a bad habit of falling deep, deep into the well of a watery Scorpio even though I should know better. Renew and Rebirth hits my experience with them on the head. At it’s worst, these planetary placements can promote a hedonistic greediness. ‘Everyone is bad so I must be too’ and a real commitment to harming those before you can get smited (because we’ve all been smited). 

I don’t have a lot of water in my chart personally, but this can help account for my intensity in search of connections (and why unlike a lot of my peers I pull away for long periods and go all in again, almost cyclical in a place where everyone’s always booed up).

Pluto in Scorpio may try to remain positive so strongly that they find themselves in denial, finding out when it is too late about all that was happening right under their noses.

Bingo.

Being strong and able to deal comes with a certain detachedness, a wall others cannot or will not try to breach. Understanding this will help me bring some of it down, right?

Are you interested in hunting down your birth time now? Try paring some of these tidbits or do your own planet research and pair it with the rest of your chart. You might start getting answers. 

[seddm]

STARCO OVERVIEW - Season 2 (part 2/2)

SEASON 1

SEASON 2 (part 1) (part 2)

SEASON 3 (Incoming)

SEASON 4 (Incoming)

RAID THE CAVE (2x15a)

Bonbon The Birthday Clown was a huge moment of change for Star, her first real loss, something that forced her to start facing her responsibilities: from this moment until the end of the season she’s mostly going to be on a solo-growth time roll, with Marco’s direct influence on her being minimal: he’s still going to be with her in many episodes, and he’s even going to give her some advice in episodes like The Bounce Lounge or Collateral Damage, but there aren’t going to be moments like Mr. Candle Cares or Game of Flags until next season. This doesn’t mean that the two are going to be any less close, and until Just Friends Star is going to be none the wiser about her crush, so it’s not correct to talk about a fracture between the two dorks as a consequence of Jarco happening, but it’s also undeniable that the series wanted for Star to make more solo-experiences during S2B. This is what I talked about several times before: during S1 and early S2 Marco had a huge influence on Star, and Star had a huge influence on Marco, helping each other grow and develop (in several ways, but we can sum it up, for the sake of simplicity, to “be more responsible and thinking more about things” and “get out of his comfort zone more and be more open to taking risks”). Bonbon The Birthday Clown is an episode of important change for both of them, and from here on Star is going to slowly start putting all the accrued development to good use (stopping running away from problems as much, trying to be a princess in her own way in S3), and Marco is going to VERY slowly start doing the same (moving to Mewni in S3, realizing his feelings for Star).

All this introduction was needed to reiterate once more that less Star and Marco moments from now onward, especially in the rest of S2, absolutely doesn’t equal to Starco being less important to the show, or to the characters. It just means that both main characters were finally ready to realistically start to be more active in their growth process, thus allowing the writers to explore other kind of interactions and development arcs.

Getting to the actual episode now, the segment immediately opens on a recurring theme: Marco putting Star over Jackie, leaving her hanging for his bestie’s sake. This is clearly a horrible way to put it, and we now have canon confirmation from Jackie herself that Marco was an average, standard boyfriend to her, but ti tells us something important about commitment. This is the core of why Jarco couldn’t work, why Tomstar isn’t going to work, and even the main answer to the question “Did Starco truly have to be romantic?”: we have repeatedly been shown that Star and Marco are vastly more committed to each other than to any other person in their lives, ultimately putting each other before anyone else. 

The monsters in this episode like Star on account of her ideas and different ways of being a princess, of doing things her own way. Which is exactly what Marco told her in Mr. Candle Cares. And this is going to lead to her trying to unite Mewmans and Monsters, and Marco is the one who first opened her up to the idea in Lobster Claws and Mewnipendence Day. Again, it’s not that everything good Star does is thanks to Marco (nor vice versa), but he was the catalyst who complemented her qualities and characteristics, helping her become the best version of herself - something that still clearly required a lot of self work and interactions with other people.

During this episode Marco gives Star good advice, per se: being honest about what happened with her parents, and not making the situation any worse. And yet, that’s not really what Star needs now, as Glossaryck tells her - what she needs now is to face her mistakes and try to make up for them, truly accepting her responsibilities for the first time. Was Marco wrong? Is he suddenly not a good advice giver anymore? No, it’s simply an effect of the focus on solo-growth for Star in this part of the season I mentioned earlier: in this moment Star outpaced Marco in maturity, and it’s going to take him until Sophomore Slump to catch up, so there’s some sort of “disconnection” between her current position in life and his advice. Star started (slowly) walking toward “maturity”, and Marco was left for some episodes with a different point of view.

This is more of a story structure element than a statement about Marco, it’s clear that he still deeply understands and relates to Star, but if we look at the larger picture Star’s Second Act began with Bonbon, while Marco is going to lad behind in his First Act until Sophomore Slump.

TRICKSTAR (2x15b)

An episode full of foreshadowing for Star’s emotions at the end of the season and for her to mature enough to accept how things are going to go (you can’t be happy all the time, you have to face unpleasant things because turning a blind eye to them is worse, happy times are eventually going to follow sad times once again, all that jazz), but it doesn’t really involve Starco to any extent that’s not three layers of separation away.

Star launching herself to protect Marco from Praeston as soon as she sees him crying being all worried about him being sad is medicine for the soul.

And Marco saying this is almost certainly just a gag and maybe, just maybe, a sign of the relative lack of insight on maturity I mentioned in the previous segment, but it’s ironic given that the series is essentially going to end with both of them going “love is the answer” and the magic that is love being very real and saving their asses. 

BABY (2x16a)

Once more, you guessed it, a mostly solo-growth episode for Star, like most in this part of the season. Important episode bla bla Star looks finally excited about doing magic stuff out of her own initiative but gets slammed down hard because she lacks basic Glossaryck was right in saying that she has her own way to learn blabla first signs of maturity but also always doing things her own personal ways, failing while forced to do things by the book but getting new, incredible results in ways no one would have expected when free to do things her own way, usual individuality stuff.

Marco helping Star with Baby by dutifully making food is cute and certainly one more page in the long book of “Marco makes Star’s stressful life a bit more overwhelming” moments, but it doesn’t get any particular relevance in the episode.

On the other hand what’s interesting is that what pushes Star over the edge, helping her to “channel strong emotions” and create a new spell, is fear over having to leave Earth. Obviously it’s not just “leaving Marco”, Star has many reasons to like being there and the scene itself doesn’t involve her bestie in any extent. But it’s mostly about Marco. It’s obvious that it’d be reductive to consider that he’s the only Earth thing Star cares about, but narratively speaking it essentially is - in S3 Earth barely gets mentioned at all as soon as Marco moves to Mewni, he’s the symbol for what “second home on Earth” means to Star.

And if it wasn’t clear enough already, Star’s spell uses both “colors” of magic, pink and green, and it first splits the apple in two (cleaving it apart), to then make the seeds sprout, giving it new life (cleaving it together, we might say). The theme of unity, of something new and better being born from two different elements meeting, is constant throughout the show, and we now know that it’s all going to culminate in Star and Marco meeting once again in their new dimension, to be always together.

Look how worried Marco is about knowing whether Star can stay his voice is so expectant he’s so cute they’re so cute I love them so much

Remember when S1 hammered the idea that Marco was so important and “formative” to Star because he was the first person she met who truly trusted her and didn’t see her as an irresponsible mess up? Yeah it’s still there, and it’s always beautiful.

RUNNING WITH SCISSORS (2x16b)

Getting Star's scissors back is certainly part of Marco's motivation here, since he would definitely go to such extremes to avoid damaging Star, but honestly the episode is more of a solo-growth one for Marco: Star, and her importance to Marco, play a fundamental role in it obviously, but his decision to not back down and go home is more connected to his tenacity and willingness to go all the way in once he sets his mind on something, rather than specifically to get Star's scissors back itself. That's both Marco's greatest quality, and one of his main flaws when it degenerates into tunnel vision.

This is a weird episode. Marco spends more time living in the Neverzone than he did on Earth his whole life, and yet Running With Scissors doesn't change him at all. He doesn't get any tangible moment of growth or development from this, needing until Sophomore Slump to enter the next stage of his character arc (even if it's clearly important for the scissors, for Nachos, for his fighting skills...). And yet, it's an important episode: we know from the beginning of the season that Marco's greatest fear in life is lagging behind, wasting his life without finding a goal. In this episode an "alternate" version of Marco finds in adventuring a reason to be, something that fulfills him, and for 16 years he doesn't worry about anything else. But it's an incomplete life, by shedding all of his responsibilities and social connections Marco lost in maturity what he gained in freedom. And it's Star who snaps him out from this "fantasy" - a good one, but a limited and limiting one.

The scene is constructed to give Star's "Or... me?" part emphasis, and Marco deeply reacts to it.

The scissors imagery is particularly powerful, as it has multiple layers: there's the usual symbolism for "dimensions meeting", since the scissors are what allowed for Star and Marco to meet and completely change each other lives (and with Cleaved in hindsight we know how hugely important this theme is), and the theme of union in general is important to the show (it might not be a coincidence for this segment to have been paired with Baby, which ended with a similar theme); but there's also this idea of Marco's lonely reflection gaining something once he open the blades, showing Star as well: living a life of adventures is not worth it without all his loved ones. Cleaved apart, cleaved together. Marco gives up on something, this easy life he built for himself in the Neverzone, to gain something that's vastly more important to him, being with Star once more. Obviously it's not just Star, but she's the main symbol for it (and honestly given the series finale it might has well have been just Star): Marco feels content right now, the days of being a sweaty and anxious teen with no clear goal in life are a distant memory, but can he actually be happy and fulfilled without Star? No, obviously not. So he goes back.

And once home Star essentially gives exposition on what I just said, and what Marco thought just mere scenes earlier, probably mostly in an unconscious way. Sure, he has to go through the pains and uncertainties of growing up once again, but this time they'll be together. This is a gem of a scene that often goes unnoticed, essentially Star's version of Marco's speech in Mr. Candle Cares, since in both cases one of the dorks manages to give the other dork a new perspective on their biggest fear (not having choices about her future, not knowing what he wants to do in his future), helping them during a hard time. It's clear that Star deeply understands Marco, even if she usually helps him in practical or indirect ways, rather than delivering speeches like this.

Bonus: Marco's face lights up and immediately goes from gruff buff adventurer to excited kid as soon as he sees Star, wanting to tell her all about the past years like a kid recounting his Summer vacations. Should be clear enough which of his two lives is more important to him.

THE BOUNCE LOUNGE (2x17b)

Not really an important episode, just a lot of foreshadowing for the “end” of Star’s carefree days by the end of the season. Marco’s line here is mostly for that, it’s not really an important less nor something that helps Star figure things out in the context of the episode. If we reeeeally want we could see a connection between accepting that things have to end eventually and the “at least we have good memories from the past!” at the end of the episode with Star’s behavior in Scent of a Hoodie, but it’s kind of a stretch given that Star would have never truly accepted not being Marco’s friend again so it doesn’t properly fit as a parallel.

If you needed a reminder that Star helps Marco get out of his comfort zone and make new experiences that he often ends up liking...

HEINOUS (2x19a)

Just a quick note: even if it’s been a while since Marco called Star the coolest girl he knows, it’s clear that he genuinely appreciates her personality and individuality (see Mr. Candle Cares), and this is particularity important since he’s currently donning his Turdina identity, someone who became a paragon of freedom to express yourself to princess all over the multiverse, and he’s currently essentially telling Star that she’s, to him, the archetype of what a strong princess is. If that’s not love I don’t know what it is.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE (2x20a)

Star immediately seeking Marco’s advice to understand what she did is cute, but we were robbed of a moment of understanding and emotional connection. Stupid Otis.

JUST FRIENDS (2x20b)

After Bonbon The Birthday Clown and right before Face the Music, the tradition of songs highlighting the characters’ emotional state continues. I’m not going to analyze the lyrics of the song because their message is extremely clear, and it’s not like there’s a clear subdivision of verses between Star and Marco: clearly the whole concept of being “just friends” because it was too late for feeling to be revealed relates to Marco being with Jackie and Star liking him, but other than that the song generically talks about the reality of Star and Marco’s relationship. Taunting us viewers. It’s clearly way too early to talk about “love” as in full romantic love by this point, but it’s also clear that Star and Marco’s relationship is characterized by an incredible amount of care for each other which is visible to everyone. And yet.

Hahaha see it’s fun because the episode puts a lot of emphasis on the concept of being “friends”, something that has always been super important to Star, but by the end of it she’s going to be deeply hurt by Marco seeing her just as a friend, realizing that she would have wanted something more. Haha so much fun.

In a single scene we get reminders for several of the important elements in Star and Marco’s relationship:

Star helps Marco with Jackie, still acting as his “wing(wo)man” and pushing him out of his comfort zone

Star is still blissfully unaware of how much Marco dating Jackie is going to hurt her, there’s complete disconnection between what the Heart wands and what the Mind thinks it wants right now, and she’s going to delude herself until she literally sees his bestie smooching someone who is not her

Marco still thinks that Star is supercool, and he’s worried that Jackie is going to realize that he’s not at her level: when I talked about Sleep Spells I said that Star and Marco’s conversation on the roof essentially solved forever Marco’s feeling of inferiority compared to Star, but I forgot about this detail. It’s a very specific situation, but right now Marco feels “not enough”, and Star clearly comforts him 

And the next morning Star keeps being extremely “delicate” with Marco, doing her best to put him at ease. Because showing Star being particularly close and enamored with her bestie minutes before getting her heart shattered is cool!

And then, to make things EVEN funnier, later in the episode Star is about to go comfort a dejected Marco, doing what she has done many times before, but Jackie is faster and she “replaces” her. It’s obvious that Jackie never replaced Star in Marco’s life in any extent, it’s just a detail in this specific scene to better build up the mood and themes for the climax.

Haha isn’t if fun that for the whole episode Marco worries about being the third wheel between Star and Jackie, but at the end it’s actually Star who is going to feel terribly, hauntingly alone?

I don’t want to post too many screenshots, but the first part of the concert... well, it speaks for itself, with Marco sitting between the two important girls in his life, being confused when Jackie grabs his hand, and confused when Star grabs his other hand, but then getting into it.

I might be over reading too much into the boarders intentions here, but I think that Star’s expression in the first screen might fit with the idea that she has always been the one to push Marco intro trying new things, into “letting loose”, but this time Jackie “replaced” her, once again. Since this segment was boarded by the same artists who worked on The Bounce Lounge, which featured a similar “let loose and dance!” scene, it might not be too out there as an interpretation. Anyway, it’s a minor detail, the general vibe of the whole scene is heart crushingly clear.

For most of the song the shot focuses exclusively on Star and Marco goofing around, lypsynching like at the beginning of the episode: it’s their song, and that’s what they usually do. This is a friendship moment, and Marco obviously defaults to Star for it. But then the song gets into the “romantic” part, and the camera moves to Jackie and Marco: Star is just a friend, and as such she doesn’t get to take part in this special part of the night. Just like she said in Blood Moon Ball, this is a “different kind of fun”, and she’s not invited.

 And in full “you don’t know what you want until you lose it” fashion, it’s also the moment she realizes that she’d have killed to be invited to the smooching Marco kind of fun.

Second instance of Marco prioritizing Star over Jackie, he interrupts a making out session because he notices that she’s not there anymore and gets worried. It’s clear that Heart VS Mind is true for Marco as well, even if his feelings are way less definite by this point of the show. His first instincts still always put Star at the first place, but when it’s not an “emergency” moment anymore he’s not mature enough to properly recognize that she truly is the most important person to him. We’ll see this especially well in S3: during The Battle For Mewni he’s not going to hesitate in following her, risking his against Ludo and Toffee, but once the danger is over and his Mind takes control once again he goes back to Earth, without acknowledging Star’s confession, because still convinced that Jackie / Earth life were what he wanted. This scene here in Just Friends is a small taste of it.

Sadly Marco doesn’t have a clue, and Star hides her sadness, and she gets rewarded with a “you’re the best friend”. As I mentioned earlier, the episode opens up with Star and Marco being mutually happy to call each other besties, but ends with Star being crushed inside by being considered just a friend by Marco.

MORE SONG SYMBOLISM!

FACE THE MUSIC (2x21)

“How come Star doesn’t seem distraught over her crush for Marco, and why is she acting normally with him?” well, there are three layers of explanation:

The show is very compartmentalized

Star is super good at being in denial, as we’re going to see in Starcrushed when she claims that she’s over her crush fro Marco

The good ol’ usual “feelings are confused”: in Just Friends Star certainly realized what she truly wanted, but as far as her character arc goes it wasn’t the same as outright admitting her crush to herself. Which is just a form of denial more connected to the structure of the story: in the previous segment Star finally makes a connection between what she wants and why she feels like that, but it’s not the same thing as fully going, even just internally, “Ok I like Marco romantically”. It’s clearly confused if we dissect the whole matter like this, but it’s how the whole show operates when it comes to feelings, and it’s the difference between Star being ok around Marco here, and Star being a complete mess in Scent of a Hoodie.

This being said, once again we see Marco appreciating Star’s individuality and uniqueness, which deeply relates to her wanting Song Day to be special, crafted around her personality.

Was this hug alone enogh to turn Ruberiot into a Starco shipper and convince him that he needed to add a part about Star’s romantic life to his song, or did Star go on and on saying stuff about Marco while they were working on it later in the episode, offscreen? We can’t know and it’s not that important, but I choose to believe that a single hug was enough to make this genius of an artist understand just how much love there’s between these two. No bias here. No bias at all.

Also please note the penguins on the screen foreshadowing the end of Starcrushed - one goes away and the other one is left sad, alone.

Look at Marco, trying to move out of the way to make it clear that he’s not Royal Family, as if he’s not going to be part of it one day! They won’t be royal anymore by then though, admittedly.

Star spills the beans about her own failures during the season, feeling like it was the right thing to do. She starts owning up to her own mistakes, facing her problems instead of running away. But then the part about her crush on Marco comes up, and by the end of the episode she literally runs away: obviously as far as stakes go Star’s development arc in this part of the show culminates in accepting that she has to go to Mewni to defend it, and defeating Toffee is the ultimate test of maturity that allows her to enter the second part of her story. But accepting her feelings for Marco, confessing her crush, is symbolically the last step in her journey toward learning to face her problems and not running away from unpleasant facts. It’s the key to everything, not because there is ONLY Marco and Starco, obviously, but because he’s the single most important thing to Star, and by far what influenced her the most over the first half of the series. So by Face the Music Star is almost there, she has almost reached this first important checkpoint, but she can’t quite get to it until she embraces her crush for Marco. 

Because he’s important.

Because Starco is important. 

"Star Butterfly is in love with her best friend”. Now, obviously this is a song so lyrics are limited by what goes well with the rhythm, but the idea of best friends making the best lovers is incredibly important to the show, so while it’s extremely possible that it wasn’t specifically on purpose in this case I always like the association of “best friend” and “love”. We’ll have plenty of time to talk about it during S3.

STARCRUSHED (2x22)

While the episode is mostly solo Marco and solo Star moments, with little actual Starco interactions being formative or leading to development, I’m still going to go over more or less all of it, since most scenes can be directly reconnected to Star’s crush on Marco, which is directly connected to Star’s S2 arc, to the point that the climaxes of the two “storylines” end up overlapping in Star’s confession to Marco.

The idea of wanting things to go back “to normal”, to how they were once, is going to characterize the whole Starco romance arc: these two idiots, until Here to Help, are always going to think, to some extent, “oh no, having a crush on your best friend is weird and it can change things and maybe they’d get worse and maybe he/she doesn’t feel the same!”, and wish to go back to feeling nothing but platonic feelings of friendship for the other. It happens here, it’s going to be a theme in Booth Buddies (and for most of S3 with the idea of Marco trying to reframe his whole approach to being Star’s friend), it’s going to happen in Curse of the Blood Moon. Obviously things can’t go back to how they were because, as Marco said in Here to Help, they have always been like that. Not as in love at first sight obviously, took months and months for “romance” to start consciously becoming an element in the equation of their relationship, but as in a special kind of connection that was doomed since the first moment to evolve into something more. Essentially Star and Marco were always only able to either go forward in their relationship, or stagnate (with all the tensions and sudden heat-of-the-moment kissing that resulted from it): regressing was never an option, nor something that either of them ACTUALLY wanted (usual Heart VS Mind: worrying about feeling being “in the way”, while still wanting to forever be at her side in her pocket).

At the beginning of the episode Star shows marked improvements compared to her old self, and actually tries to force herself to face the problem, while Jackie pushes Marco to do the same - by leaving them some time, but it’s still quite a little bit too early: Star’s seeing the goal, but she still need some last pushes, and so nothing comes out of it, they’re both too embarrassed to talk.

Star sees a picture of a fun day with Marco then (ignore the “photo from the future” plot for now, it clearly wasn’t planned at the time, or at the very least not relevant to the messages and themes in this episode), and she’s reminded of how important her friendship with Marco is, and gets frustrated at the idea of losing it over some awkwardness, and calls her friends for help.

(idea of things “going back to normal” once again) said friend are actually a bad influence on Star though, dragging her to a party, reinforcing her tendency to avoid problems and confrontations proposing her an alternative distraction.

The party doesn’t convince Star, who is about to go back home: clearly her relationship with Marco is not the kind of problem she wants to ignore, and she can’t bring herself to just run away from it... until she notices Oskar.

Oskar is kind of a litmus test for Star’s growth: she had been drooling over him for two seasons, but she’s largely uninterested now. Even when he essentially tries to hit on her, and make plans to “hang out” over the Summer, Star looks uneasy at worst about the situation, and unconvinced at best. What changed? Star’s infatuation with Oskar was a symbol of her old self: Greason, the bad boy with a record who abides to no rules, lives in his car, and rejects all responsibilities and problems. The perfect man for Star “I love Freedom and Individuality More than Anything” Butterfly, right? But then Star grew and we got a number of episodes teaching her the importance of facing problems and accepting your responsibilities and that rules can be important at times and aren’t necessarily antithetic to fun, and this new Star isn’t actually interested in him anymore.

Star tries to latch to this, and to Oskar, in a last attempt at denial, at “replacing Marco”, as Oskar himself implies.

Meanwhile something similar happens with Marco (even if it’s way less clear in his case, and it’s going to take until Sophomore Slump to get any real payoff, while it’s immediate by the end of the episode in Star’s case): Jackie encourages him to stop worrying about Star and enjoy a Summer of nothing (please note: Jackie absolutely not a bad influence on Marco - just a couple of scenes ago she tried to give him and Star some time to talk things out, this is an isolated case to set a parallel between the dorks).

Also in the following scene we get Marco’s version of “I’d make a great Mango”: he deludes himself into thinking that Jackie is his partner in crime, trying to find a ��replacement” to Star in this moment of deep emotional stress and tension. Obviously it’s something unconscious, it’s the first, smaller version of “You’re my best friend!” from Sophomore Slump: Marco’s Mind trying to convince his Heart that Jackie is who he truly wants, and the symbol for the kind of life he wants - a calm, easy life on Earth. But this is premature, I’ll talk about this during S3: in this specific episode what matters is that Jackie is not Marco’s partner in crime to any extent, and that Rafael’s words remind Marco of what should have been the basis of Star and Marco’s relationship from beginning to end but hasn’t been for long stretches of time when romance was involved.

Right now both Star and Marco are convinced that they have to talk things out, but as we’re about to see in a moment they aren’t quite ready to go all the way in with it. Third instance of Marco leaving Jackie hanging for something connected to Star (after Raid the Cave and Just Friends), too many not to be something they wanted viewers to notice, and it’s perfectly in line with the important theme of commitment.

Star takes Marco by the hand to gently lead him to a quieter place to talk, instead of dragging him by the wrist as the usually (not always, this is not the first time she grabs his hand, but it’s clearly a different context), and Marco stares at their hands, almost in disbelief. We get the same kind of scene in Here to Help. Hand holding is apparently symbolic for romance in this series (Marco mentions being ashamed of never having held a girls’ hand in Naysaya, in Demoncism and Kelly’s World the episode closes on the new couples holding hands, in Curse of the Blood Moon Star and Marco holding hands is a symbol for them falling in love, Mama Star and Here to Help we get the came focusing on Star holding Marco’s hand and they’re scenes eventually leading to Starco becoming fully canon).

Short digression about things that are going to be explored better in future seasons: isn’t it fun? Both this episode and Booth Buddies put a lot of emphasis on “things being different”, but then in Here to Help, when Marco can finally be entirely honest with himself and with Star, he says that things have essentially been the same since the beginning, just with an ever increasing intensity: feelings needed time to grow, absolutely, but there has never been a single, clear moment that suddenly made things different. See, this is why Marco’s “You don’t just fall in love at first sight” line is extremely important, because it confirms that Marco and Star’s relationship has been a linear journey from the beginning. It’s not that one day they suddenly stopped being just friends and became more, borders are confused, the feelings have always been there but needed time to grow and change and gain new connotations. Obviously the “Mind” part of their awareness about said feelings has clearly identifiable changes in specific episodes, it’s obviously needed for the structure of a TV show and for the characters arcs, but “in universe” it’s not that things started being different from a specific point in time, it’s just that the feelings became intense enough to scare Star and Marco into wanting for things to go backward. Cowards.

Anyway, Marco is obviously worried about the possibility of Star having a crush on him, Star can’t muster the courage to confess AND she’s possibly even truly slipping back into denial, thinking “Eh, I have Oskar now for the Summer, I’ll be happy with that and I won’t have to focus on Marco and things won’t be weird anymore between two of us, right?”, and they both put emphasis on being friends. Just friends, nothing more.

It’s easy to understand what worries Star and Marco, influencing their actions when it comes to romance until the end: fear of change, fear that their feelings might be in the way of friendship. And in the meantime the show spends seasons telling us viewers “look, the best romance is born from friendship, and Star and Marco’s love is just a side of their friendship! They should embrace it and it would be beautiful!” but nope, takes them until the end.

After this talk, Star is deep in denial: she’s latching to this idea of “Summer” as a panacea there to solve all her problems. She thinks that she actually fixed things with Marco, and she’s evidently trying to delude herself into thinking that hanging out with Oskar could actually serve as a bandaid for her unaccepted, unexpressed, unreciprocated feelings (and she’s barely buying it herself, apparently).

The idea of being able to make choices is extremely important and it goes all the way back to Marco’s speech to her in Mr. Candle Cares, but it’s applied in the worst of ways here.

But then she gets told that she has to go back to Mewni, possibly for a long time, possibly even dying in a dangerous fight with Toffee, it’s impossible to know exactly what Star thought in that moment beyond “I might never see Marco again”, and the Summer illusion comes crashing down. And she’s forcefully reminded of what (who) is actually important to her, and voilà, the last step is Star’s S2 Arc, “stop running away from problems” is complete. By accepting her crush on Marco and owning up to it, no matter how painful it is, she also accepts her duties as princess of Mewni and the burden of her family’s history.

This is what I meant when I said, at the beginning of this episode, that the two storylines of the season end up overlapping in the confession: Star starts becoming an actual princess and actually and actively being involved with the history of Mewni (leading to her arc in S3) when she stops running away from the greatest problem she had at the time, her crush on her best friend.

Pretending that a problem is not there doesn’t make it go away, and it’s clearly relevant to feelings as well and it’s true for Star here as it’s going to be true for Marco in Lava Lake Beach as it’s going to be true for both of them for the rest of the show, to some extent, sometimes more consciously, sometimes less. From this point onward feeling are never going to truly go away for Star, even through S3 and Tomstar: the disconnection between Heart and Mind, how conscious the dorks are about their feelings, how painful they get, how distracted by other things they are, how strong the “romance” part is over the platonic one, all these elements are going to fluctuate over the show; but the intensity of their feelings is going to steadily and linearly grow, as Marco ultimately evidences in Here to Help. They never go away.

Being upfront and honest with your friend is important, and it’s a recurring theme in the show (foreshadowed in All Belts Are Off in recent times, clearly central to the episode in Booth Buddies), and yet for the rest of the show it’s going to be so hard and so rare for the teens to be completely and entirely honest with each other and, most of all, with themselves. And the moment one of them finally is - Marco in Mama Star, everything clicks in place and they can finally, easily solve months worth of tensions (and years worth of suffering for us viewers).

Hard to tell if Star is crying here just out of sadness for having to go away, or if Marco’s inability to answer anything to her confession, tell her anything at all, played a role. We still know from S3 that Marco’s silence hurt her, a lot, but that probably includes all the time spent together on Mewni after Toffee’s defeat as well, so it’s not that relevant right now.

But Marco’s inability to answer by itself, now that’s relevant. An expected reaction obviously - he was in front of Jackie to booth, but still one that, in the context of fictional narrative, clearly evidences how unready for this kind of thing Marco was - as I mentioned he started lagging behind Star in terms of character development and maturity after Naysaya, and won’t catch up until Lint Catcher.

To conclude the post and the season, a heart warming shot full of “magic disappears from Marco’s life” imagery. Obviously Star isn’t gone forever, magic isn’t gone from Marco’s life, and everything she meant to him is still there, but after most of a season focused on Star’s perspective we get this last scene focusing on Marco’s one, with the feeling of emptiness brought by the departure of the one person who completely changed his life for better (when I say “bringing magic in it” I mean it in a broader sense, not strictly THE Magic).

Fun stuff.

[the-uptake]

Faith in Higher Things

The Uptake, With Symbiotic Self-Indulgence. Book III, Chapter 8. Go to previous. Go to next. TWs: Stitches, metropolitan crisis onset. Count the questions on one hand...

________________________________

Augen nudged ‘Choly awake in the pitch dark.

“We should get going,” the vampire whispered.

The Lazarus Hall. Right. ‘Choly’s chest tightened, that the overly sweet aroma wasn’t an air freshener, and he struggled upright. ‘Choly had slept atop Augen’s clothes, and Augen retrieved them, but prioritized helping his friend dress first. The vampire turned on his reader flashlight, and handed ‘Choly’s orthotics to him one at a time. 'Choly permitted him to help only with the corset.

“Are you okay?” ‘Choly started. “Your ribs. You’re okay now?”

Met with a hush, his not-quite-lucid mind gurgled with the memory of the textures and structures that had filled his lap, though in the dark, he could not process how long ago. Augen’s reader light grazed insinuations of thick, clear slime in places, rucked up on the concrete floor like well-traversed urban snow. The vampire seemed himself again. ‘Choly pursed his lips tight as he got his muck-stiff shirt and sweater back on over his head. Winning an argument with his leg brace, he sat at last in his wheelchair, and Augen finally got dressed, and they took stock of their effects one last time. Then, the two slipped out of the once-parlor the same way they’d entered.

Barring the discomfort of the dried weighted crunch of their clothing, to onlookers stepping into the fluorescent lighting of the broad hallways only punctuated their disarray. Augen took ‘Choly to the public restrooms on that floor to freshen up, and also to refill his canteen. Augen fished a new hair tie from his apron, and re-added any jewelry he’d removed prior to his healing process. ‘Choly pinched at bit at his itching chin suture, then took his next dose of both medication with a few palmfuls of sink water. He grunted with a squint at still not having eyeglasses. By the time he sank back in his chair to recollect himself, someone was inching him aside to get at the sink for themselves, unable to wait his turn any longer. Augen stepped up to cart him onward before ‘Choly could knock out any of the stiffness in his shirt.

“Guess it’s a good thing I bought instead of rented,” ‘Choly commented of his wheelchair with a huff, on their way to the elevator. He checked the time on his reader, as well as the battery--10:02, 46%--and sneered as he spoke next. “You sure made a mess of, well, us. Not sure we can get whatever that was out of the upholstery.”

“You mean I can’t just take you through a car wash?” the vampire jeered, doing his very best to ignore the crustiness of his hair. He leaned near to his ear. “Nothing a few bottles of dish detergent won’t fix.”

“...Take it you’ve got experience with this...”

He almost asked Augen what the chemical at the parlor had been, but Augen propelled them both into the then-ready elevator car, placing themselves amid a group of office-dwelling folk. In an undesirable silence, they aimed for the top floor as they had before. He thought to text Cecil, but recalled that if April Fool’s had damaged his reader, it surely must have destroyed Cecil’s. On the way to ground level, no fewer than two people shied from the rank, chalky musk the two exuded.

They made their way back HP way. ‘Choly removed his sweater, Augen tucking it into the back pouch of the chair, and wore his dark tank with the salmon dress shirt unbuttoned over it. The orthotic corset crested over the neckline, but although partly his binding garment, he didn’t wholly consider it unmentionable.

The line for the optician’s department took no time. The optician examined ‘Choly, and when she annotated both his updated prescription and his metahuman cataracts as addenda to his serial file, he requested the prescription for personal reference as well. The eyewear specialist offered him two catalogues to pick from, but he immediately declined the ShipShop options in favor of restoring his vision promptly by picking options available in-house. He still knew very little of Leveler culture, especially the nuances of navigating medical provisions, but mostly anyone no matter their upbringing knew how to select their earpiece and frame combination from the catalogues. Billable or not, Though he had a pair from ShipShop, if a body had eyewear these days, they more than likely came from the optician’s edition of a BF Meehl catalogue. It had been since the last time he’d broken his glasses that he’d even bothered to update his prescription, let alone his frames, and he enjoyed the aesthetic refresh.

Within fifteen minutes of the exam, a pair of thick flat round black acetate frames sat on his face. Separate but built-in sunglasses lenses hinged independently at an upward diagonal. Everything had features again. Distinct, clear, and tangible. They made him feel a bit like a spider. Though he wished there were something more of substance to the impression, he didn’t mind feeling at all like a spider.

Augen’s only reaction to the acquisition was to casually flip down the sunglasses to their useful position. ‘Choly didn’t object until they started moving again.

“H-- hey, what now? We’re getting coffee and breakfast now, right? Wasn’t that the turn to go to the cafeteria? Isn’t this the way out of the hos--”

“--To the nearest Overflow.” Augen snipped out a halted breath, and kept pushing when ‘Choly gave no reply which would suggest diminished confusion. “Just how long ago was it, that you said you leveled up?”

“My serial’s just shy of three years old now.” His shoulders shrank as he gripped the armrests.

“And still don’t know how all this stuff works? How any of billing works? Tch! I don’t mind helping, but a little communication wouldn’t hurt. So glad I nicked the room slip from you. Knowing you, you’d have tossed it by now. I know you don’t carry a wallet, either, and--”

“--Just how do you know that?” He couldn’t understand how a slip of paper could carry any sense of irreplaceability, and his ears burned.

“I pay attention. Which you really should. It’s like you don’t even know what’s going on and you could hardly be more dead center of it without being in Cecil’s shoes.”

‘Choly frowned meaningfully.

“He says to the injured man full of opiates... and completely empty of caffeine.”

“Coffee. Right. Overflow first. One thing at a time.”

He supposed he could forgive that Augen wasn’t a morning person either.

They crossed the street to The Granfalloon Overflow, and entered the busy glass-front lobby with pewter carpeting, to find easily two hundred patrons stood in the check-in line. ‘Choly held their place while Augen stepped out to grab them both coffee. By the time the vampire returned, the dirt-black dark roast had dipped to a quaffable temperature, and only twenty almost-customers remained in front of the pair.

“Let me do the talking when we get up to the desk window. I got you a filled croissant. You like berry, right?”

“Anything but grape,” he appreciated. He shrugged at the instructions. “You’ve got the... room slip, or whatever it is.  Y’need my serial, too?”

“The slip has everything we need on it.”

Rather than ask what Cecil’s room had to do with anything, ‘Choly alternated between his caffeine and his fruit jelly and nearly gelatinous cheese pastry. He said nothing of the texture it had gained from growing cold, grateful simply to have something in his stomach.

When they got up to the window, ‘Choly watched as Augen spoke quietly to the clerk through the slotted glass, and scanned the carbon-paper slip the vampire produced. The clerk looked up to ‘Choly, then back to the computer terminal. Augen objected at one point, but resigned to whatever the clerk had either asked or insinuated, and scanned a second item Augen produced before pocketing again. A pair of cardkeys ejected under the counter, and Augen retrieved them with a mention of gratitude before they sped off to one end of the large, open lobby to let the next patron check in.

“I thought you said the slip was all--”

“--They think I’m going to be present enough to count as an occupant to your room, since I’m pushing your wheelchair. I had to give them a serial.”

“But you’re not...” The word ‘documented’ stayed in his lungs.

“You collect a great many useful things riverbed scavenging the Hudson.”

‘Choly’s mouth tightened and his eyes widened behind his myopic, dark glasses.

“The more important question is, I never stayed in a hotel in my whole life, but I know how slagging expensive it is to. Who’s paying for this!”

“How do I put this? Overflows are hotels sponsored by the hospital they’re affiliated with. Usually they’re either part of the same building, or are right next door attached by skybridges. We needed the slip because staying at an Overflow sponsored location can be tacked onto the billing package for most inpatient hospital stays. I didn’t want you to have to cash in on it, because you responded so poorly to the billing process at the start, but in your current state, and knowing how long Cecil will be here, you really don’t have much choice. Especially since Tri-City bound transportation is still down. Every other lodging option is going to cost you, out of pocket, up front, and I can guarantee that, in the current state of things, anywhere else would charge you ten to fifteen times more for sake of emergency-stimulated opportunism.”

“You mean... If Cecil has visitors, they can stay at specific hotels and the tab goes on his billing?” When Augen didn’t correct him, he let out a low whistle. “I don’t think we should order room service...”

Pale gold halls radiated off the lobby to both sides at several angles. Following the digital wall-projected signage Augen took ‘Choly down one crowded frontmost hall in pursuit of the cluster of indoor stores and eateries. They popped into the convenience store. Augen tucked a shopping basked in ‘Choly’s lap and tossed a few things in it as they navigated around other shoppers in the small tiled space. As an ice-breaker, the vampire picked out a few beverages including a travel size assortment of liquors, then made ‘Choly pick out some shelf-stable sandwiches and some toiletries. ‘Choly also nudged him to get some isopropyl alcohol, and a bleach kit bottle, the latter of which elicited a wry smirk. Just as he’d said nothing of Augen’s very obviously faked identification, Augen said nothing of the bleach. The two paid separately, and for each purchase, the clerk required they swipe their cardkey. As they left the store with their plastic bags of items, Augen mumbled with a smile.

“You’re not allowed to ruin my rum with that.”

“The vodk--” ‘Choly sputtered. “The rubbing alcohol’s not for drinking--”

“You don’t add either to good rum.”

“Says who!”

They returned to the lobby and took a different hall in search of an elevator, a sleek mirror-wainscoted thing which they then rode to the ninth floor. The halls snaked such that Augen jerked about ‘Choly’s chair on their way to the room which would be loaned out to those who had visited the patient in HP’s room ICB-3406 the day before. Augen slid one cardkey and held the door open so ‘Choly could wheel himself inside. Accessing just about any facet of the hotel required a swipe of a cardkey to prove tenancy, down to making a purchase at any of the establishments on the ground floor, ‘Choly supposed.

“You know I appreciate you going down there with me,” Augen said as they sized up the place. He stepped into the bathroom with the bags, but did not shut the door.

The walls were cream, the carpet deep blue. A single queen-size bed, dark red. Wall-mount television. Small fridge. Two nightstands, one with a lamp and the other a tabletop-surface kiosk. Inset lighting around the whole perimeter of the ceiling. The vague floral residue of recent cleaning. The far wall, with a pair of full-length windows to either side of the small table with two upholstered chairs. The windows, with light-blocking treatments the same blue as the carpeting.

“And you know I appreciate you taking me with you. What even was that stuff? You never told me if your rib healed.”

“To be entirely fair, I haven’t a clue. What’s important is, it did the trick.” The vampire returned empty-handed to ‘Choly, and handed him a cardkey to put in his bag. “We can talk later. Now that you’re situated, I really must go check on some things. You are situated, yet? You’ll be all right a few hours?”

“But--” Augen pecked him on the cheek and patted him on the head. The parting gesture boxed his rationality, and he nodded. “Yeah, I’ll text you if I hear anything new from Cecil.”

“I’m not going far. We can go visit him when I get back.” The door shut behind Augen.

‘Choly stared off into the room in ever-mounting exhaustion. He tried to stand, only to have to shoulder the wall to continue succeeding. He seethed, and groaned.

“I should have gotten him to help me into the bath.”

He made it into the bathroom and sat on the toilet seat. The leg brace came off, then so did everything else. He almost searched for the bags of things from the convenience store, only to see the vampire had gone in the bathroom before to set them out for him on the dark marbled counter. Toiletries to one side of the sink, food and drink at the other. A jar of instant coffee stood among the bottles, and he couldn’t help but laugh at Augen thinking it something of a priority for ‘Choly. He pulled a towel and washcloth off the acrylic bath shelving, set his glasses on the counter, and resigned to drawing a bath to keep his leg elevated.

While the water filled the tub, he retrieved the sewing kit from his diamond bag and hobbled back to set it at the sink. He ripped open the carton of bathtub cherry bombs and flicked one of the small spheres into the water. He hadn’t gotten a good look at his face stitches earlier, and took the time to scrutinize its integrity uninterrupted. He turned the water off. He punctured the safety film over the mouth of the rubbing alcohol and doused some toilet paper with it to dab at his chin. A hard pinch produced a drizzle of thin pus, and he winced as he sopped at it. He removed the dressing from his leg, and palpated it finding similar heat and tightness. With some nervousness as to the soundness of his unsupported leg bones, the brace went back on without replacing the gauze. Of what he’d read of the instructions e-mail he’d received from Dr. Thornton’s care, the brace was waterproof, but submerging it was not recommended. He slipped into the effervescent tub with his leg elevated, and let the aromatics permeate his aching body.

He sat on the toilet lid and towel dried his hair a bit, and used the clippers from the sewing kit to open the brush and comb pack. It had been five years since he last changed the color of his hair, but he’d maintained coloration of all kinds throughout his twenties, and he didn’t deem it necessary to re-read the instructions label on the bleach. So he took off the cap to remove the rigid safety stick that ran down the full depth of the bottle right down the center, and closed it up again. Through the soft squeezable plastic of the outer bottle, he felt around for the long brittle tube now floating loose, and he cracked it and shook the contents to incorporate them. Once the bottle felt warm, he parted his dark, damp bangtails down the middle, and flipped the squeeze-top, to bleach the right half only. A few bobby pins held the hair in place while the chemicals worked. He set an alarm on his reader for thirty minutes.

A seam ripper popped the stitches on his face, and tweezers picked out the fibers. He leaned over the sink and let the basin catch the alcohol he poured over his chin. Alcohol-sterilized needle and thread reaffixed the seven stitches, and he snipped the thread off close to the knot. Sitting on the toilet lid again, he inspected his leg injury as best he could for the angles he could twist himself. A lot of the swelling around the wound site had gone down, and he imagined the warmth of the bath had helped both its drainage and circulation. Drainage. Despite the wound depth, Thornton had not implemented any kind of tubing to permit the free expression of fluids. He grimaced at the oversight. His portable sewing kit only included what he needed to do touch-up maintenance, not full repairs. Until he got home and had access to his own scissors and surgical knives, he’d have to keep a closer eye on the healing progress than he did of most of his skin repairs in past years. He patted it with rubbing alcohol, and replaced the dressing. The alarm vibrated his reader. He rinsed his hair.

He gazed at his naked reflection for some time before he at least put his tank top back on. Were it not for the marbling of railroad scars all over his body, and the absence of the forearm tattoo he’d gotten when he’d started dating Cecil, he nearly would have thought it were ten years earlier. At a point where everything felt like it was falling apart, at least he could do this. Stalkers might not have placed a wholesome value in superficial alterations such as these, but Levelers embraced it with enthusiasm. He sniffed in detachment. For once, the split dye job made him feel more like he fit in, rather than stuck out.

Uncertain as to the next time he’d get a change of clothes, he rinsed out his socks and underwear with soap and water, and laid them on the edge of the tub.

‘Choly carried his then-cold coffee to the nightstand and sat back in the plush down comfort of the hotel room’s queen size bed. He turned on the television. He crinkled his nose to push up his new glasses, then crinkled his nose again. The extra weight would take some getting used to, but he’d wanted prescription sunglasses for years. Augen had made good on his promise, not to leave ‘Choly unattended until they could replace his eyeglasses, but he couldn’t tell how long he’d be alone in the hotel room. Or if Augen would return anytime soon. How hard would it be for him to get himself back over to the HP to see Cecil?

He scratched at his fresh leg dressing with an absent sneer, and sank into the most comfortable bedding he’d ever put his ass on. He felt like he hadn’t been able to just sit down and rest for entire days, and a long soak followed by an unfathomably soft bed had him drifting off already. For the time being, it was just him and the endless procession of webcasts covering and discussing the aftermath of the Central bombing. He slipped under the thick, lightweight down comforter and cream colored sheets. And he kept scratching.

Channel flipping felt like a game of roulette where every pocket was a black number. Speculation as to how the stalkers had managed such a feat. Avowal that the quarantine’s integrity would be both investigated and reinforced. Discussion as to how FEMA would reinstate structured emergency power, and the potential duration of the power and server outage. Insistence that the displacement of nearly twelve million people would not be permanent. Assuagement of the mounting hysteria in other fusion cities, that similar could happen to them. The disaster had laid bare a glaring vulnerability of the grid, and it was all the federal agencies could do to swear something like this could never happen again. A fluke. No one could come up with an answer as to how it could have possibly happened.

But no one seemed to want answers. They just wanted it fixed, and they wanted someone to blame. And yet, no one seemed to pinpoint that the hybrids had anything to gain in the aftermath. All ‘Choly could think of, staring down the collateral, was how the geek bar the day before had erupted with good will over what the bombing did to the servers, and the absolute rapture of the tiger host. Augen had been so distressed over the other hybrids’ elation. Augen was right, that ‘Choly had been out of it even before agreeing to an April Fool’s Day lunch. But how out of it had ‘Choly been? Had he missed something important in the chaos, that could explain it all? What other harmful data stored at Central had been negated in the act?

His head hurt. He pulled out his reader to look at the pictures he’d taken the day before. Pallet after pallet of eight drums each. Bright orange, with no designating marker besides the semicircle insignia of BF Meehl. Thinking on it more, was Meehl the owner, or just the manufacturer of the drum itself? Regardless of origin, the drums very clearly had been left there within the last year. He’d have to take it up with Augen later. Maybe Augen would be able to tell him all about what had happened at The Lazarus Hall yesterday. Lacking anything of substance to distract himself with researching the Meehl drums, he resumed paying attention to the television.

It had taken two days, but the media coverage had shifted away from visuals of the explosion itself and moved onto the current state of Tri-City. Automobiles no longer stippled the treadless avenues, instead replaced by the congestion of emergency vehicles. Projected advertisements no longer flooded every neobrutalist surface with light, the Wolfram concrete taking on a lifelessness it had never known for even a moment. Everything had come to a standstill, threatening societal necrosis. People couldn’t transit.

Supermarkets had been upturned by Levelers attempting to hoard all shelf-stable food supplies they could locate, but after a single day no one could even get to them, not even to clock in for work. One channel’s webcast had postulated that FEMA had paired up with ShipShop, and together in the coming week they would set up emergency relief kiosks at every major housing block. If people hadn’t made it out of their apartment buildings by day one, the government had issued a warning to shelter in place.

None of it had felt real until he came across a segment regarding ShipShop’s FEMA-issue thetic delivery drone fleet. He lost the remote in the sheets at this point and leaned forward, staring in dread at these nonliving agency employees. Most thetic personalities he’d experienced firsthand had been only waist-up, a humanoid shape installed on whatever vehicle or robotic vending to stand in where a clerk might have functioned in prior decades. These androids made no exception, and would engage the ShipShop kiosks in order to dispense the variety of goods available through the company that had been ordered by those inhabiting the block where the kiosk had been placed. Either ShipShop or FEMA knew in advance that this would be a long-term arrangement, for how much effort they were putting forth to erect these kiosks... and for how the kiosks themselves would be run by full-body thetics.

The chaos of it all, it hadn’t just been Cecil getting critically injured and losing his hearing, hadn’t just been ‘Choly getting his leg broken by gunshot wound, hadn’t just been ‘Choly and Augen tumbling headlong into a completely unprotected vehicle crash. The known casualties had since tallied in the thousands, and the longer Tri-City went without power, those numbers would only continue growing, ShipShop or no.

He stuttered, patting frantically in the sheets to relocate the remote. He couldn’t remember if he’d been sure to stay on non-decimal stations. Once he’d relocated it and double-checked it was on Channel 43, he pulled up the hotel’s terms of service on his reader to check what was complimentary versus what cost extra. Provided he only pulled up non-decimal channels on a television, and only pulled up decimal channels on any non-television, there’d be no charge. The thought of having to keep them straight worsened his headache, and he curled up in the bed as best he could with the leg brace still on.

His reader chirped and buzzed for an incoming phone call, and he wouldn’t have picked up, but his services identified the caller as Hillock Plaza.

“I, hello?”

“Good morning,” Cecil greeted in a playful, low affect. “I got word you settled into a room at the Granfalloon. Glad I didn’t have to ring through to your room, though. Means your reader survived.”

“Good morning? It’s almost one o’clock. Yeah, I’ve told you f’years, they don’t make ‘em like they used to.” He grinned tiredly, relieved just to hear his boyfriend’s voice. “I miss you.”

“Miss you, too. I didn’t dream you visited me, if you’ve checked into Overflow. I was starting to worry if you were all right.”

“I’ll have some of whatever you’re having, if you can’t remember the conversations that have been happening in that hospital room. Wait, shit.” He shot up in the bed. “They haven’t had you sign anything without me there, right? Right!?”

“Not that I know of. Why? What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? Abandon help me, do you even know what day of the week it is?” He calmed himself a tic, and his face screwed up in a complicated grief. “What billing option did you take?”

“Alternative. What’s wrong?”

"...Are you worried that the HP will come find you down the line and do other truck to you?”

“What? No! That’s bogeyman talk. ‘Choly everything is all right. I’m just recovering from a bad injury. And can’t hear on my own anymore. It’s fine.”

“On what planet is what you described ‘fine’! ...Ben said he could have kept you from billing.” A long silence held. “Cecil?”

“I wouldn’t have wanted him to. I don’t want to talk about that.”

“So you’re happy with the thetic halo? With having that stuff installed in your head?”

“Completely. It’ll take getting used to. But it works. And I can sync with data protocols to make phone calls with it. It’s how I’m calling you right now.”

“...I took alternative for my broken leg, too. You don’t think...”

“I don’t know anyone who’s taken alternative, and a hospital made good on the thread. It’s literally just a legal loophole where people aren’t allowed to sue the hospital. What has Augen been telling you? Damn.”

A notification from Augen butted in, and ‘Choly flopped over in the bed after reading it. ||Shoe size?|| He sent along all his size information with an eye-roll, poorly containing his glee at the likelihood that such a question could mean fresh clothing would come along sooner than anticipated.

“Sorry about that. I think his ears were burning... Nothing’s gonna be the same after the other day. I’m just... worried about tomorrow. And the next day. And... and...”

“Focus on today, babe. It’s all we can do right now. I need to sleep more. I was just calling to check on you. I’ll see about texting you from the hospital room. Love you.”

“Talking later sounds very good. Love you.”

‘Choly shoved his reader under the pillow with a strange, empty frown and got more comfortable. He nearly thought he was hearing sirens going off outside, but chalked it up to feeling like he’d drifted off. He glanced up at the television in detachment, only halfway processing the ‘breaking news’ streamer that at some point had begun chasing the bottom of the screen. He didn’t recognize the plume of smoke as belonging to any of the footage he’d seen before. The bombing had occurred after nightfall, and this footage took place in broad daylight. He stifled a yelp when he bent his leg a way the brace wouldn’t let him, and scrambled through the sheets to find the remote again and turn up the sound.

“...Second series of explosions at Tri-City’s Central building just twenty minutes ago. Despite Tesla’s best efforts, damage to the nuclear generators still resulted in their overheating, and it began the process of meltdown just hours after the detonations which rocked much of Tri-City on April First. Radiation has been confirmed far in excess of safe levels. Emergency devices are on-site now both containing the heat and radiation, as well as assessing the best course for containment. This is not a test: If you are still stationed withing any five-kilometer radius of Central and can receive this broadcast, evacuate immediately to a nuclear shelter and await further instruction. Available buses from all adjacent sectors will be running nonstop for Tri-City for the next twelve hours to facilitate evacuation. Everyone else within a thirty-kilometer radius of Central is to shelter in place. I repeat--”

Was... the true goal of the bombing to perpetrate another maximum scale nuclear disaster? Had the terrorist only made it look like they’d gone after the servers, so no one would think of potential reactor damage until it was too late? Immediately, his mind drifted in a soup through other urban nuclear explosions. Middletown, Palo Verde, Okuma... Pripyat... At this very moment, Central’s fuel was melting through its containment and slipping nearer and nearer the Newark Bay. Imagery haunted him of the different shapes various known corium flows had adopted in their pursuit of final rest. Slag swaths pouring ironically from water coolant release valves... Stalactites from falling through floodwater... The largest diamond in the world, formed through the sheer heat and density of a completely dry meltdown... He no longer dreaded the proximity to the disaster, instead transfixed.

“Hey, now, sleeping is just about the last thing I’d expect you to be doing right now.” Augen threw down two very large shopping bags on the end of the bed and rooted through one. He went into the bathroom with an armful. “Sorry I took so long. The line at the ShipShop kiosk was godawful.”

“Good morning to you, too.” ‘Choly grunted upright and finished off his cold coffee. “I was wondering where the hell you went. I didn’t mean to drift off, for what it’s worth.”

“I see the TV’s on. You saw the news, right?”

“I, yeah.” He glanced up at the screen to see emergency alerts still flooded the broadcasts. “Yeah, I didn’t think I dreamed that.”

“Slept well, then, I’m guessing?”

“As well as to be expected. Why were you asking about my sizing?” he started, looking slyly to the bags.

“You can root around and see for yourself. I’m going to help myself to your shampoo and stuff. As unnatural as it feels, I’m going to bathe twice in one week. Last night justifies it.”

One of the bags contained several boxes including a pair of shoes, while the other was a bunch of garments. He pulled out a few, and took off his tank to try on a few. A black tee stated a simple but gaudy ‘Sorry I’m late, I was masturbating.’ He scoffed, but, drawn to it, put it on immediately. He’d have said something, but the shower was already going, so he kept fishing in the clothes. Augen had brought him lacy black underwear, in both thong and bikini cut, and flustering he favored the latter for lack of another option. With the shirt he paired vein-print leggings. The shoes were low-heeled black boots, with pointed toes accented with a metallic tip. He returned them to the shoe box to pull out the other boxes in the bag. Several of them were carefully wrapped but otherwise unlabeled. Of those he could discern, he couldn’t really identify what they were.

“Figured you’d like that one the best.”

Augen came out in a white button-down and a pair of straight-leg black jeans, drying his hair.

“What, the shirt? You sure you didn’t get that for you?”

“A mirror, darkly. In these trying times, I took it upon myself to devise a new fashion capsule for you.” Augen flopped onto the bed to recline beside ‘Choly. “Zahnsammlung. You tend to emulate metahumans you fancy. I figure you could emulate me for a change.”

“Awfully presumptuous of you, to think I would,” ‘Choly feigned, laying back beside him eye to eye. “It’s been years since I emulated anyone besides myself... Tell me, what qualifications can you cite? To justify that degree of fixation?”

“Just how many demonstrations must I provide you, before you understand I’m the real deal?” Heavy-lidded, Augen played with ‘Choly’s bleached hair. “I’ve always thought this was a good look for you.”

“Have you ever...?”

“Bleached? Once. I thought it was too much trouble to do upkeep. How do you think Cecil will react to seeing you did your hair again?”

“He’ll think, that I think I’m guilty of everything that’s going on. And to some extent, he’s right. My brain tends to cope, badly, by accepting some or all of the blame for things I can’t have possibly done. But no, I guess I did it because even little expressions of self-control can anchor the chaos around a person.”

“Speaking of the chaos...” At Augen’s prompting ‘Choly flipped to be spooned, the vampire cuddled up to him and petted his hair. “Tell me, how you think it’s all going down, down there...”

‘Choly’s eyes rolled back, knowing exactly what buttons Augen set out to push.

“...Well, Central’s energy series is a ring of nine reactors...”

Go to Next »»»

[char-writes]

Another 11/11/11 tag from @hyba this time! Thank you!

1. If you were to give your WIP(s) a rating (PG/G/16/18/R/etc.), which would it be and why?

Traitor would probably be PG-13 due to all the murder. Allure could be PG since it’s pretty sweet but there’s also language and references to “mature content” that could up that rating.

2. What do you think most characterizes your writing?

Pretentiousness? I like paragraphs of pretty metaphors and 20th century sentence structures-- the kind with all the commas and semicolons-- and I’m sure it gets on everyone’s nerves. 

3. Would you call yourself a full-time writer or a part-time writer?

Honestly? Full-time. I dedicate so much time to my fanfiction and have always been rather focused on my original works ever since I started them in fifth grade. I also write for a local newspaper so... Yeah. Full-time.

4. Would you prefer for your WIP(s) to be published digitally or in print?

Okay, confession... I have two things self-published digitally on the kindle ebook store and it’s not as satisfying as I might have hoped. I feel like having something tangible would make it feel more real to me so that one.

5. What’s one thing a lot of people don’t know about you?

Um... I don’t really hide anything about myself from anyone that I consider a friend... I guess that I fixate on relationships more deeply than I should. Like, with friendships, I make the mistake of nearly idolizing my friends and end up wanting to give them anything and everything they want. I think I’m kinda terrified of losing all my friends so I’m usually trying to make sure they won’t get sick of having me around, haha. It’s not good but it’s a thing for sure. Sorry, that’s deep but I’ll talk about the little things too much for them to be secrets, haha

6. Do you like to infuse your stories with morals/lessons?

Not on purpose. I’ll come up with a plot I like and then a lesson will show up the more I flesh it out.

7. Which WIP did you have to do the most research on, and which resources did you find helped you the most?

Traitor but that’s probably because I’ve been working on it longer. And, admittedly, I usually just use google as my resource and hope that the information I collect adds up

8. If you were a villain in a story, what kind of villain would you be?

Dramatic. Tell me you don’t want to be able to have windows and light bulbs shatter as you walk past. 

9. What’s your favourite character archetype?

I have quite a few favorites but one that will always get me is the character that is unappreciated by those around them-- but only if they get their moment to shine and prove everyone else wrong at some point.

10. Do any of your characters have nervous habits? What are they?

Elizabeth fidgets and talks to herself. She’s my most anxious character by far. She also gets caught in her head too easily and forgets about reality.

11. Which setting - that you have written - is your favourite?

There’s this nation in Traitor that’s nothing but ice and snow, and the palace is almost like glass. It has dozens of huge windows and I love the image I have of it.

Thank you again for these questions! I always love answering them :D

My questions:

1. How do you come up with names for your OCs?

2. Which OC is most like you? Which is most different?

3. What’s one word that describes your current WIP?

4. Do any of your OCs have bad habits? What are they?

5. What genre is your current WIP?

6.  Do you associate any colors with your OCs?

7. How long have you been working on your wip?

8. How in-depth do you go with world building?

9. What is the most difficult scene you’ve had to write for your WIP so far?

10. Do you listen to music while you write?

11. What’s your outlining process?

Tagging:

This is gonna be another one where I tag anyone who sees this. If you have time and the desire to do so, answer these questions and let me know some more about your wips! Thanks again for the tag!

[charmingpplincardigans]

How can you have any pudding if you don’t write your words?

It’s that time again, friends! That time of year where I look back on the past 365-ish days, recognize that I’ve failed to get absolutely anything done, and then shrug and roll most of those old goals over into new ones. Look, I realize there’s only so much lipstick you can put on a pig, but this year it’ll be Besame!

I didn’t count words this year, opting instead for the shiny new @gywo habit pledge. I was aiming for 240 days written, but will end up with something closer to 170 days written. *shrugs* *rolls 70 days into next year*

I have no idea how to organize this list (or anything else in my life), so I’m just going to go project by long suffering project and see where that takes me. 

Girls Who Date the Universe (Patreon)

I had no idea what to expect from this. I have written to both theme and deadline before, but I’ve never successfully done either when I was the one setting both. It does help that there’s money involved, and if there’s one thing that gets my guilt and shame motors going it’s involving money in something. On the plus side this means that mostly I’ve delivered, because I don’t want to live with feeling like I’m letting my patrons down. On the downside, sometimes I feel like I’ve let them down anyway. Mostly because I worry that what I’m giving them is not good enough or worth what they’re giving me. 

I do realize that if that’s the case they can just bail, but what if they aren’t because I’m their friend and they’re just indulging my weird whims and my desire to move into my own apartment soon? It doesn’t matter either way, really, but that doesn’t stop my brain from dwelling and being a jerk about it. 

That said, I am legit proud of some of the pieces I’ve put into this project and already have notes on how to edit the pieces that will need it before I bind the books. I have seven months (including this one) to go before I end the project and bind the books, and an outline for how to get there. 

I think I’ll end up being glad I’ve done this thing, but I’m not sure if I’ll keep the patreon open after it’s over. If I do I’m really going to have to rethink reward structure and what I even have to offer. 

In the Museum With Your Ghost

I UM. WELL. I TOOK A LOT OF PICTURES IN THE MUSEUM BEFORE I MOVED ANYWAY.

This is another chapbook project I’ve been percolating for a while. Look, I’m still mad at the world that she’s dead. And I’m extra mad at myself that when she told me she was sick before she was meant to come visit me in Boston I told her to please stay home and take care of herself. There would be other times. THERE WERE NO OTHER TIMES. So, even though I never got to take Sara to the MFA, the MFA is the place I would go to think when I was feeling too itchy or flighty or afraid, and therefore I ended up taking her with me anyway quite a lot. 

I want to write about it, because that’s how I process things. And then, even if no one else ever wants to see a word of it, I’ll have given myself this tangible little hymnal to go over when her absence in the world feels like too much. My tentative goal is to have a rough draft of this completed this year. We’ll see, I guess.

Apres moi le deluge

I feel like I did kind of a lot of work on this this year, even though it doesn’t look like I have much to show for it. I outlined it. I ripped it apart. I outlined it again. I started writing. I ripped it apart again. I’ve outlined it again again. I’ve changed relationships and actions and story elements, but the core of the thing is the same. It’s still about art and humanity and having a body and who all of those things belong to in the end.  

I guess I’ll try to have a complete-ish draft by the end of the year. Again.

Blog posts

I made four blog posts this year. Four. I wanted to make fifty-two. My problem is, I just don’t know what to do with a blog. Like, I know why writers HAVE THEM, but I’m not interested in writing about the sorts of things that tend to end up on writer’s blogs. I’m not in a place where I can give advice. I don’t have personal stories of beating the odds to tell. I don’t even have things to update my audience on, since the audience on my blog is like, five flowers and a muddy shoe with a balloon tied to it and very few of them care about the state of my non-existent writing. 

I had half a thought to do Thoughts From Places type posts that I’d call dispatches. There would be dispatches from memories, from nightmares, from art I saw or music I listened to, and from fictional words I’m playing in, but not yet deciding to write about for real. But like, why would anyone care about those? And does it matter if they would or not? If I write these things well enough, will people come anyway? Do I even want them to?

I feel like a lot of my issue with writing and with life comes down to not knowing where I’m going or where I’m meant to be. I know that’s all relative and subjective, but that doesn’t make me more comfortable with not knowing.

I still want to figure out how to use the blog. Will I do that this year? Who even knows. I don’t.  

Extra poetry

I wrote some! I want to write some more! I want to actually start submitting some to places! Maybe the real things I should work on over the next year re: my writing are confidence and bravery.

Letting people down with comics

I told Cleo I was gonna write her a thing! I told Caroline I was gonna write her a thing! I did not send either of them things! I did start writing both of them, but never whipped them into a shape I thought was cool enough or good enough for those two. I admire their talent so much. The least I can do is try to give them writing that’s good enough for their art. I’m not sure Perfect Or Nothing At All should have been the answer though, given I still feel bad about it. *sigh*

Morning pages

Or maybe evening pages? I think I want to do this thing. I think doing it will help me with writing extra poems and focusing on shorter pieces using ideas that I’m currently just thinking about and then forgetting before I can do anything with them. I have so many ideas and I never feel like I can execute them in a way that lives up to how beautiful they are in my head. That is, a um, constant problem for me. 

It’ll be okay. Probably. I’m working on my brain, too. 

So uh, that’s it. All the ways I failed in 2018 and might not fail in 2019. Will I be making a similar post a year from now? Or will I be rolling chapbooks and published poems? ONLY TIME WILL TELL I GUESS. 

[ceilingcow]

FO76 B.E.T.A. Initial Thoughts (October 30th)

There’s a lot to process, and it was surreal to finally play the game. It feels a lot like Fallout 4 gameplay-wise, but there are some departures in terms of controls that definitely threw me off. I’m posting my thoughts below the cut, in part for myself, since I don’t use reddit and won’t be posting to the @fallout 76 section over there. (Platform PS4. Solo play while streaming on Twitch. Internet speed averaging 90mbps. One server disconnect. No story/plot spoilers.)

What’s Really Working • The game is really beautiful. There were a lot of times where I just had to stop and admire it. The atmosphere Bethesda’s created is just stunning, from the lighting to the ambiance. Little touches like the cry of a Mourning Dove make the world feel familiar in a tangible way. The sound design in this game feels really spot on, from the Scorched’s creepy noises to the hair-raising shuffling of the giant ticks. (I really hate ticks, y’all.)

• Honestly, the new crafting seems exciting. I look forward to unlocking more stuff, and I’m glad you can finally craft armor from scratch (without mods). So many food and drink options, too!

• I see that you can craft crossbow bolts and I cannot wait to find one of those. Hot diggity. In general, Fallout seems to be great at dolling out new, cooler weapons as you level and I expect Fallout 76 to do the same. (Outside of VATS) weapons feel distinct and the gunplay is polished.

• Nobody attacked me or was rude. Heck, I never saw players fighting until the server shutdown timer began, and then it seemed to be a mutually decided upon duel. Might as well if the server’s about to close, I guess.

• I only got to listen to it a little so far, but the radio seems great. Really sets the mood. I can say the same thing for the background music. 

• I’m weirdly the most excited about the new SPECIAL system. Possibly in part because that’s not something that can be impacted by my muscle memory from playing Fallout 4, but also because it seems really intriguing. I can’t wait to unlock new perk cards and see what sort of things you can do with them as you level. 

• Flying solo is definitely possible, but you will likely need to spec a character in a way to boost crowd control. I played without a team and took 1 rank in Charisma to get Lone Wanderer. Bethesda definitely made true on the promise you can go it alone, but larger mobs of enemies definitely presented a challenge. At times I felt a bit overwhelmed by their numbers, but I never died in my time playing, and those moments were actually some of the most memorable. (Taking a public workshop solo was especially fun and challenging.) Focusing on explosives or weapons with splash damage (like the gamma gun) could be helpful; I don’t know if there is/will be an equivalent perk to rank 4 of Big Leagues in FO4, but it would be invaluable for dealing with large groups of enemies while playing alone (or even “tanking” for a larger group). 

Undecided Now • The new VATS is going to take some adjusting to, because having VATS not slow time is jarring. I wound up taking a lot more manual shots and sometimes just opting to rush in for melee because of it. It’s hard to pass judgement on it since the problem doesn’t so much lie with the new mechanics as with my muscle memory associated with VATS. 

• The controls seemed to function pretty consistently well until some stuttering/lag issues popped up; these seemed to be tied to particularly large hordes of enemies. (In the context of my prior online game experiences, I didn’t find it especially surprising, since online games often lag when presented with a ton of enemies, but it was pronounced enough that gameplay got bogged down.) I encountered that twice in four hours so, it’s not a huge problem, and it’s one that stands out in comparison to how smoothly things went otherwise. 

Concerns • The thing I’d consider an actual issue I have with the game so far is the C.A.M.P. build mode. As somebody who’s spent literal weeks of time building settlements in Fallout 4, the C.A.M.P./Public workshop build menu feels... clunky. I’m not sure why so much stuff got rearranged and reorganized the way it did, but in many ways it feels much harder to navigate, and I had some trouble toggling between edit and build mode and moving what I’d already placed. (Not sure if bug or I’m just not accustomed to some new peculiarities of the system.) Scrapping/storing being the same button also seems like goofs are inevitable. I haven’t tried to make blueprints of anything yet, and I’ll be exploring how build mode works with other players tomorrow, I hope. One suggestion: Crafting menus in the game elsewhere only show you what you actually  know how to build. Instead of cluttering the build menu with a lot of unbuildable structures, don’t show (or in some way hide) items yet to be unlocked. While knowing what perks are needed to build a fancier water pump isn’t bad, I don’t need to know I lack the specific blueprints to build a bunk bed.

• Inventory management is... complicated. It’s unclear to me when and where you do get the benefit of your stash box or not in some cases. I might be misremembering, but I also seem to recall not seeing the items in the stash box separable by category. The game seems to necessitate that you will spend a lot of time in menus of some kind or another, but given that time you spend in the PipBoy is time you could be oblivious to an oncoming attack (especially given the high enemy respawn rate), removing extra steps through things like auto-reading recipes and blueprints the first time you encounter them might be helpful.

Summary My overall experience was definitely positive, and I think what’s troubling me the most is that it’s like Fallout 4 enough that you expect the controls to function in much the same way, but a fair number of changes have been made outside of the basics like gunplay and sneaking. I look forward to trying more stuff out, and playing with a team next time, because this game seems expansive and full of interesting things to see and do. Bethesda’s attention to detail on a map of this scale is frankly incredible. Exhibit A:

[awesomedeliciousstuffmuffin-blog]

FIRST THOUGHTS

Date of Post: 31/08/18 

So, this week I started my first real academic week at the IT-university. It has been a very hectic week for me personally, having to adjust to these new changes. However, it has also been very exciting. I hope that I can manage to keep up and do well in the different courses.

In the Digital Design and Interactive Technologies course, we are to make a reflective journal on Tumblr, so that is what I am doing now. 

In the course we have also been asked to purchase different books, and also read in those books. I find it difficult sometimes to navigate in the texts and sort through what is important and what is less important, however, I hope that it will become easier in time. 

The texts that we are to read are interesting, but also on the heavy side I believe. It is not something quick to read, since we must understand and also reflect upon what we’ve read along the way. 

It is also quite scary to begin to read about these topics, especially because all of this s very new to me. Both the way you have to study as well as the topic. We may just have started, but I already feel like I’m behind compared to some of my classmates who already have experience in this field. Hopefully, when we learn more, I will feel more secure, considering that this is a process and I’m here to learn, meaning that it is not expected that I know these things already. 

So, I guess all I can do is keep working and do my best. 

For our first class in Digital Design and Interactive Technologies, we have received a Cold Brief from the car company, Volvo. We are to do a 12-week project, where we “explore how young people would like to and could use digital media in cars”. 

We received an introduction to the company and its values as well as their products. We were given the opportunity to see and feel their cars as well as ask questions, which was nice since it made the task more tangible. 

When we first received the task, personally it felt very daunting and still feels that way, because its a big project and, therefore, I feel as if there are high expectations. It is scary to be outside your comfort zone, but it is also necessary in my opinion. Nevertheless, I hope for the best and also hope that we will learn some things along the way, which we can use in the project and also in the future. 

After we were given the Cold Brief, we were to create a mindmap as seen below. We are working in groups and in my group we discussed different ideas and issues that young people may experience. Our reflections are written in our google docs, and not shown in the mindmap below. Some of our reflections came from our own experiences, which the Volvo people were actually interested in as well. 

Overall, the mindmap was nice to do since it gave us some time to do a kind of structured brainstorm, which we can use as our framework. 

So it is a nice beginning. 

We also took pictures of the interior of the car such the dashboard, seats, display etc. We though it would be nice to have something concrete to look at while thinking of how to solve the task. 

Overall, the first day provided us with an introduction, a task and also time for ourselves to explore and generate ideas. 

I need to remember that it is a process, and that I do not have all the answers right now. 

But that’s okay. 

Also, feeling a little unsettled and unsecured is normal. 

So maybe don’t worry too much.