#since a lot of them were in theory suicidal

[literaryvein-reblogs]

How to write a character’s dialogue where they make jokes a lot but have suicidal thoughts?

Philosophers such as Plato and Aristotle have been trying to explain humor since ancient times. Recent scholars have proposed several theories explaining the underlying mechanisms of humor:

Release Theory of Humor - the theory that people laugh out of a need to release pent-up psychic energy. In Sigmund Freud’s version of this theory, humor permits the expression of normally taboo impulses, and the energy it releases is that normally used in keeping such impulses out of consciousness.

Relief Theory - focuses primarily on the motivational mechanisms of interpersonal needs, positing that humor provides relief of tension. The authors describe this as akin to a hydraulic engine, with laughter serving the function of a steam pipe pressure valve. In this way, pent-up pressure is relieved through laughter. More specifically, the muscular and respiratory processes involved in laugher serve the important role of releasing pent-up nervous energy (Martin & Ford, 2018).

Incongruity Theory - believed to be the most influential humor theory, with some proposing that “incongruity is at the core of all humor” (Zhan, 2012, p. 95). This theory is intuitive, as a joke with an expected or obvious punchline is simply not funny. Instead, laughter occurs in response to unexpected punchlines or those that go against usual patterns (Wilkins & Eisenbraun, 2009).

The "Sad Clown" Trope - This character trope is the wisecracking funnyman who copes with his hopeless position with humor — usually of the groan-inducing kind.

He is totally insecure at heart and keeps on running his mouth to fool himself into thinking he's confident or to get people to like him.

In the most tragic cases though, people do actually find them genuinely charming and likeable because of their humor and like being around them.

This is usually of little comfort to the Sad Clowns, whose insecurities cause them to fear that people only really like the "Clown" part of them, and so they do their damnedest to always be the "Clown" in public, but bury and suppress the "Sad" side of them as deeply as possible, because they are afraid that people would like them less if they were to find out about it.

Often put in more serious series to add some comic relief, while at the same time secretly revealing to the audience that the character is a simmering pot of hidden insecurities and angst, just like everyone else in the cast.

Very commonly tragic Truth in Television, as it's actually very common for people afflicted with mental illnesses (especially Bipolar Disorder, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, Personality Disorders, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders for example) to actually have a great sense of humor.

It sounds contradictory, but mental illness isn't all sadness and darkness. One thing that is common to many people with mental illnesses is severe self-doubt about their value as a person.

Cracking jokes and making people laugh can help temporarily ease some of those feelings. Not to mention that humor is a very effective coping mechanism.

Examples: "Sad Clown" Trope

East of Eden offers this exchange about the stereotype of the Irish. Lee: "But the Irish are said to be a happy people, full of jokes." Samuel Hamilton: "There's y our pidgin and your queue. They are not. They are a dark people with a gift for suffering way past their deserving. It's said that without whisky to soak and soften the world, they'd kill themselves. But they tell jokes because it's expected of them."

Hector from Coco seems like a carefree, charming con-artist who just wants to go to the Land of the Living like everyone else on the holiday. Then it's revealed that he is a deeply tragic character who has been unjustly hated and separated from his family for decades, and all that energetic silliness was a front to cover up a lot of sadness and shame.

Homer Simpson is a pretty good example of this trope. Though he's usually fairly exuberant, he's attempted suicide at least three times in the series, and during the early seasons, was often shown to be insecure about the way he looks, not to mention the stress related to his job. In the modern episodes, Homer's childhood was revealed with his parents constantly fighting and his father taking out his frustration on him, bringing about Homer's constant eating habits.

Sources: 1 2 3 ⚜ More: Notes & References ⚜ Writing Resources PDFs

Considering some theories on humour, like those mentioned above, and studying the dialogue of characters that exhibit the "sad clown" trope (and other similar ones) might be used as inspiration for your character. You can read more examples here that I wasn't able to include in this post. Hope this helps with your writing!

[xxlady-lunaxx]

ok i was thinking nd like even as a demon slayer its not gonna be easy to accept your death so—

Mitsuri didn’t want to die. She wanted to live a long life and marry and have children and grow old. She’d sacrifice herself for anyone but she did not want to die. But now she was dying. Warm blood seeped onto the ground and, even in her dazed condition, she could see the deep red staining the hard, unforgiving concrete. It hurt. A lot. She could no longer feel her arms, the side of her face ached, her head throbbed, her body stung. She wanted to cry. She did not want to die. She was too young. She wasn’t ready.

[saintobio]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐃 & 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐓. (final part to 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐈𝐍 & 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐑.)

in the painful memory of what once was, sylus learns that love can't be bound where it was never meant to stay.

♱ pairings. sylus, fem!reader

♱ genre. angst, smut, boss/assistant, 18+

♱ tags. sylus's pov, reader is not l&ds!mc, sylus might be ooc, main story spoilers, razor's dance spoilers, nightplumes spoilers, lots of timeskip, fast-paced, unrequited love, profanity, petnames (kitten, sweetie), espionage, jealousy, brief smut, mentions of pregnancy/impregnation kink, mentions of accidents, suicide attempt, injuries, blood, usage of guns, usage of knife, killings, death, my own theories incorporated into the lore, sylus groveling bcos yall want him to

♱ notes. 9.5k wc. l&ds!mc is referred to here as 'diana'. THIS IS A REPOST of the original post i accidentally deleted. i already posted this several hours ago, so if you’re seeing this new one again, blame my dumbass 🤧 oh well life is life.

Sylus had a part of him that wished things could be different. 

Ever since he turned away and left you that night at the alleyway, he didn’t really realize the chain of events his decision would set into motion. He simply underestimated how strongly your threats were backed by the grudge you had on him for bringing the hunter girl from Linkon into his base.

After all, you were just an assistant of his. And her, she was everything to him. It wasn’t just about the Aether Core, too—their bond stretched back into his distant past, into another planet where two of them ruled before the inhabitants of Philos came to ruin everything. Him and Diana had a connection he couldn’t sever no matter how much you had come to mean to him. And he spent years, centuries even, just to search for her. 

So, how could a mere assistant he had known for less than a decade have such entitlement to her role in his life? 

Eventually, days turned into weeks. Weeks into months. With your prolonged absence from the Onychinus base, Sylus’s business transactions and illicit deals had become increasingly unruly. He had grown too dependent on you as his right-hand woman, relying on your meticulous management to ensure all his illegal activities ran smoothly. Yet now, without your oversight, things were falling apart.

And while he was contemplating how to fill the void your absence had created, the office door slammed open. A subordinate soon rushed in, breathless and wide-eyed. “Boss, she’s betrayed us!” Luke exclaimed. “She’s gone to the Hunter’s Association. We got word that she was a high-ranking intelligence agent there!”

“A.K.A a spy!” yelled the other twin, Kieran, who looked equally hurt at your betrayal. “She fooled all of us. And here, we treated her like family.” 

That was how Sylus learned that you had left the N109 Zone, seeking refuge in Linkon City, and had exposed critical intel on Onychinus. At the time, rage naturally exploded within him. Didn’t he take good care of you while you were here? He had given you everything, trusted you, and you had thrown it all away. Four years of falling into his trap. Four years of being his partner in crime, his right-hand woman, his lover. People even saw you as the modern day Bonnie & Clyde. Sylus couldn’t understand the root of your betrayal, couldn’t imagine how letting you slip away from his grasp would cost him so much in return.

When you vowed to do everything in your power to kill Diana, was this just a part of your grand scheme? What other machinations were you orchestrating in your pursuit of revenge?

“She’s a wild animal on loose.” Sylus looked up at the twins, maintaining a calm yet ruthless mien as he sat on the couch. He might be idly tossing a coin like he didn’t care, but inside his brain was chaos ensuing. “Where’s she now? Any news?”

It was Luke who shrugged in response. “She hasn’t been seen anywhere, boss-man.”

“We suspect the Association is hiding her,” Kieran added. 

The hunter girl, Diana—the very girl you were jealous of, was sitting next to Sylus throughout the conversation. Their hands were connected by a strong energy linkage that was seemingly ignited by the Aether Cores in their bodies. They couldn’t separate themselves even if they wanted to. And God forbid you would have lost your mind tenfold had you seen their situation right now. 

“That g-girl,” gasped the hunter girl, eyes wide in bewilderment at what she was hearing. “Sylus, your assistant. She did all that? She was a spy from the Hunter’s Association?” 

Luke tilted her head at the girl, his beaked mask mocking her. “Oh, miss hunter! Haven’t you heard about the HIS? You should know them better than us.” 

“Well.. what is the HIS?” 

“Hunter Intelligence Services.” Sylus was the one who answered, releasing a deep sigh while rubbing his temples. “They’re top secret. Regular hunters wouldn’t have known about them, because they only deal with people like me.” 

Diana looked between him and the twins, rubbing her wrist before moving closer to the boss of Onychinus. Her close proximity allowed him to smell her familiar sweet scent. “Is she… after me? But I don’t understand. If she’s part of the Hunter’s Association too, then shouldn’t we be colleagues?”

Kieran cleared his throat. “Ever since you came—”

“Place a bounty on her head,” Sylus interrupted the twins, and also ignored the question of the girl next to him. She didn’t need to learn the history behind you and him, or why you chose to target her. “Make sure to bring Y/N back to me. Alive.” 

“Roger that, boss!” 

It was his last desperate attempt to draw you back to him. Now that you had the Hunter’s Association protecting you, Sylus knew that locating you wouldn’t be as simple. Otherwise, he would have easily captured Diana long ago. He convinced himself that the bounty was to punish you, but deep down, he knew it was because he couldn’t bear to lose you to his enemies completely.

~~

It took you a year to return to the N109 Zone.

Did you forget he had eyes and ears everywhere? He was the boss of that infamous No-Hunt Zone. Even if you leaked intel about his residences and the Onychinus base to the Hunter’s Association, Sylus still had a few tricks up his sleeve. He had hideouts in places that even you weren’t aware of, and the residents of the N109 Zone were loyal to him. Too loyal that they wouldn’t give any information to anyone no matter the consequences. 

And how foolish were you to forget about Mephisto’s existence?

“Caw! Caw!”

The mechanical crow’s eyes glowed with the same red hue as Sylus’s as it landed on his arm, projecting visions of you entering the underground fight club disguised in an Onychinus uniform. It was almost farcical that you thought you could infiltrate a place Sylus frequented unnoticed.

But then, the vision shifted to you speeding on a motorcycle with a truck in hot pursuit. Sylus quickly recognized the truck’s decals—it was the hitman he often employed for dealing with his enemies, now terrorizing you in a high-speed chase. Without hesitation, Sylus grabbed his leather jacket and mounted his own bike, racing to your location in sixth gear.

He arrived just a minute too late. And what was meant to be a dramatic reunion turned into a scene of you lying unconscious and injured on the road, while the hitman grinned nearby with an expression of triumph. If it hadn’t been for your helmet, Sylus would have been met with the gruesome sight of your shattered skull.

“Mr. Sylus!” the hitman exclaimed, jumping out of his truck with arms outstretched in petty victory. “Can I get the $500,000,000 in cash?”

As Sylus’s gaze fell on your unconscious, injured body sprawled on the ground, a surge of anguish overwhelmed him in ways he couldn’t understand. But it was quickly replaced by seething rage—rage that made him summon his black-red mist, enveloping the hitman in its dark tendrils.

“I said not to harm her,” Sylus growled, his red eye glowing ominously against the desolate highway backdrop. “You failed your task.”

“P-Please, Mr. Sylus! I thought you—”

Without another word, Sylus scooped you up in his arms while his mist dealt with the hitman behind him. The hitman’s desperate cries were soon drowned out by the expanding tendrils, which tightened around him until he was engulfed. Then, in a violent burst, the mist exploded, reducing the hitman and everything around him to dust.

Sylus brought you to his underground hideout immediately after. And an unfamiliar—or perhaps strange—pang tugged at his heart as he gently laid you in bed, his gaze lingering on the road rash you obtained from the crash. The injuries were severe, with patches of skin nearly stripped away in the most brutal fashion he could think of. He could only imagine the burning pain you had to endure as soon as you skidded along the gravel, and Sylus felt his own frustrations knocking at the door knowing that he didn’t have the power to extend his fast-healing abilities to you.

“Tch. My kitten’s reckless as always, riding without the proper gear,” Sylus grumbled, looking at your unconscious body. “You’ve never been one to follow the rules, have you?”

To make up for his inability to save you on time, he applied a potent medicinal ointment all over your body and placed you in an anesthetized state while you healed. His mist enveloped you like a protective shroud the entire time you laid in bed unconscious. Every single day, Sylus tended to your wounds, changing your clothes and bandages, and applying the ointments over your bare body. He even took special care to ensure the twins did not enter your room without his permission. 

Despite the care he showed, a persistent question echoed in his mind: Why am I doing this for you? You were his enemy, a traitor, and a woman who had betrayed him. It didn’t make sense. 

That afternoon, feeling suffocated from this internal conflict, Sylus decided to leave you in the care of Luke and Kieran while he went to Linkon. He knew he needed space to grapple with the feelings that were driving him to care for you in the first place.

He needed to see the real woman he should be caring for. 

Because you had not only exposed intel on Sylus and Onychinus to the Hunter’s Association, you also asked for them to isolate Diana so she would have no way to see or contact him. Who knew that mere feelings of jealousy would spark you to do such trivial things? 

Frankly, you were insane. You were dark and twisted like him. 

But in a way, it only underscored how similarly deranged the two of you were. Perhaps, in your madness, there was a strange compatibility—one that Sylus found unsettlingly fitting. The suggestion of you two being more a suitable pair than he and Diana gave him an unease that he couldn’t simply shake away. 

It should be her. Her. Just her and her alone. He dedicated his whole life into finding her, yet you came into his life to ruin the foundations he had built to meet the person he was supposedly destined for. He had repeated it over and over in his mind like a broken record—the voices in his head telling him to let you go, to hurt you, to make you suffer. 

However, as he stood across the pedestrian crossing, watching Diana from afar, a realization hit him like a cold gust of wind. There she was, oblivious to his presence on the other side, but the spark that once ignited in his heart whenever he saw her was gone. Now, his pulse remained steady and his heart stayed still.

With a wary glance around, mindful of any watchful eyes, he decided to pick up his phone and ring hers. It was a good thing he was able to seamlessly blend into the crowd, with his practiced nonchalance making him invisible among the throng of people. After all, he was Sylus Qin, the mastermind of Onychinus—disguise was second nature to him.

“Sylus?” Her voice came through the line, tentative and filled with a mix of emotions as she scanned the faces on the other side of the crossing.

“According to the conditions set by the Hunter’s Association, we shouldn’t be meeting again.” His voice was steady, almost detached, as he kept the phone pressed to his ear. “Or if not, you will be marked as a Tenebra.” 

Her eyes eventually found him amidst the walking crowd, keeping an expression on her face that showed both longing and forlornness. “Not the first time someone has been marked a Tenebra because of you,” she managed to slip in a snarky remark in her worried expression. “Are you hurt? Did they hurt you?” 

“Are you worried about me?” he nonchalantly asked, watching as she stepped off the curb when the light turned green. Each step was a step closer to him, but nothing changed the pace of his own heartbeat like it should have. Nothing stirred within him as it once did.

“You have the audacity to use a phone when you’re right in front of me,” she snapped, frustration flaring as she yanked the phone from his grasp. Without hesitation, she grabbed his arm, dragging him along with her to escape the dangers of being seen in public. They ended up in an alleyway, a place hidden from prying eyes, an irony that made Sylus chuckle under his breath. The alleyway. Why has that become such a memorable place to him? “Sylus, what’s so funny? I was so scared something happened to you! You couldn’t even call me back or text me the past few days?”

He remained expressionless as he observed her outburst. Strange. In her frantic worry, she reminded him of you, and it was a discomfiting parallel that sent chills down his spine. “I said I’d need to disappear from your life completely, so I have to tie up loose ends,” he began, each word seemingly a dagger to her heart. “We haven’t been able to resonate either way, sweetie. There’s no reason for us to keep meeting.” 

“No!” she adamantly denied the thought, pulling him into an embrace. “No, you’re not allowed to disappear just like that! We need to find a way to get—”

“It’s a dangerous gamble to be caught in my world,” he said in a low voice. 

But she was stubborn. “I’m already caught in it! So, please, Sylus, take me with you. Take me to the N109 Zone or wherever you’re hiding. I want to be where you are.” And in spite, she uttered words that made Sylus think twice about his perception of you. “It’s her fault that this is all happening. She’s a traitor to you and to the Association. Her loyalty isn’t with anyone but herself, Sylus. She’s the one who needs to disappear!”

~~

Back at his hideout, Sylus was careful to ensure that Diana remained oblivious to your presence in another room. He was already grappling with how to manage the situation—torn between the woman he loved and the woman he had wronged who, ironically, were both now under the same roof. The thought of you two crossing paths was a nightmare he didn’t want to deal with, so he gave strict orders to the twins, notorious for their loose lips and loud mouths, to keep Diana far from you.

Because when Sylus returned to your room, he knew you were awake. The dark classical music playing from the vinyl record had likely stirred you from unconsciousness. It had been nearly a week since the crash, but thanks to his meticulous care, your wounds had mostly healed, leaving only faint scars behind.

“You can’t hide from me forever.” Sylus hovered over you to whisper into your ear, summoning his protective black-red mist to slowly release you. “Wake up, kitten. We have unfinished business.” 

When you finally opened your eyes after what felt like an eternity, Sylus told himself it was natural to feel relieved, that it was only right for his heart to soften at the sight of you returning to consciousness. But as you awoke, the voices in his head—the damned, relentless voices—grew louder, mocking him, provoking him, and luring him into darker thoughts. His right eye began to glow like a flickering candle, and when he saw the fear on your face, the words that followed weren’t his own. They were driven by the unforgiving side of him he couldn’t control, a side that thrived on your terror. The beast that couldn’t be tamed. 

She’s a traitor.

Punish her. 

Hurt her. 

Devour her. 

While in a heated, dramatic exchange with you, Sylus was spewing words he didn’t mean. He was doing actions without regard. He was mocking your pain. Your jealousy. Your heartbreak. The drive to hurt you was strong in his head, but he fought desperately against it. The demon inside him that tried to consume his every thought. He tried to battle his own self just to protect you. 

“I betrayed you because of her!” 

His laughter died down, but the amusement in his eyes only deepened, replaced by the wicked smile on his face that enjoyed seeing you suffer. “It’s always been about her, hasn’t it? You see me with her, and you can’t stand it. It eats at you, makes you act out.”

You tried to move away, but Sylus pressed his foot firmly on your wrist. She betrayed you, Sylus. Punish her. 

“I’ve seen your struggle,” he continued, his voice soft but laced with corrupt satisfaction. “The way you watched me with her, the way it gnaws at you. It’s almost poetic, really.”

It wasn’t until you reached for the gun on his nightstand, pointing it at yourself, that Sylus snapped out of his dark trance. The horror in his eyes was a stark contrast to the sorrowful shine in yours as you stood there, sobbing in front of him. Each word you spoke was tailed with the pain of a heart shattered by everything he had done and said. 

“...All I wanted was your love,” you choked out with tears cascading down your face, “I j-just wanted you to love me. I turned my back on the H.A. for you. I left all my friends and family for you.” Your breathing was still for a moment, but your heart had already been blown into smithereens. “All I had was you. I loved you. I devoted all my body and soul into loving you, Sylus. Why c-can’t I have even a little bit in return?”

Even as his gaze softened and a flicker of regret passed across his face, you had already made your decision when your finger tightened on the trigger. The recoil jolted your wrist, but before the bullet could find its mark, Sylus’s hand shot out and expertly deflected your aim. Instead of ending your life, the bullet shattered a window, ricocheting off the glass and disappearing into the night.

“Are you out of your mind?!” Sylus roared, his voice a thunderous mix of fury and disbelief.

You were barely responding to him as he cupped your cheeks and forced your lachrymose eyes to lock into his crimson ones. It was as though you had already resigned yourself to reality, that ending your own life would have been a better option than being with the man you hopelessly loved. 

“Y/N,” Sylus tried to shake you awake, desperate for you to look into his eyes. “Y/N! Enough. Let’s end this game.” 

“...I was never playing one with you.”

Sylus was overwhelmed by a profound, indescribable pain that pierced his chest. It was a pain that mirrored yours but was infinitely more intense. “I warned you many times before to never fall in love with me,” he said in a low, softened voice, “It’s for the best, and it’s what will keep you safe. Why don’t you listen?” He longed to pull you into his arms, but the crushing reality was that he only now realized how deeply he cared for you. It was devastating that his awakening had come at the cost of your near-suicide, forced by a love he was unable to return.

Was it truly too late for him to come to terms with his feelings for you? Was it too late to accept that he had fallen in love with you rather than the woman he believed he was meant to be with?

His answer came in the form of a gut-wrenching realization. It manifested in the frantic voice of Diana—the woman he believed he loved, piercing through the haze of his thoughts by yelling, “Sylus, step back!”

“No!” he shouted, his black-red mist swirling to intercept the bullet.

But his efforts came too late. The bullet had already been set in motion, and it tore through the side of your head. 

It penetrated your skull with a cruel precision, not just once but twice. And the warmth of your blood seeped through his fingers as he caught your head before you fell onto the floor. 

Sylus’s mind raced with the enormity of what had just happened. His face grew ashen as he looked at your bloodied head and lifeless eyes, a wave of acid welling up his chest until he couldn’t breath. But the reason for his suffocation was because of his own guilt and grief. It was at the force of a sledgehammer when he was hit with the admission that he had always been in love with you. All along, despite your tangled mess, it was you who had captured his heart in this world.

His chest tightened, his breaths coming in ragged, broken bursts, while he held you close in his arms. And your last three words, your very last words of “I… love… you…” as you stared despairingly at him was icing on this bitter cake. 

No… no! 

He couldn’t fucking accept it. He was losing his mind, he was going insane. He was plunging into madness. Utter hysteria. “Y/N, please,” he begged, his voice breaking as your eyes, once full of life and light, were now glazed over with the sheen of death. “Don’t leave. No, I can’t let this happen!” For the first time in a long time, he once again felt hot tears leaving his eyes. It was an emotion so rare it only ever showed toward the people he deeply cared about. “I love you too,” he struggled to say. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said back there.”

Sylus held you close, disregarding the blood staining his clothes while he was consumed by agony and regret. He had driven you to this, pushed you away, and then drawn you back into his orbit only to lose you forever. 

Though he may have conquered your heart, in doing so, he had only destroyed the both of you. The memory of your love and the warmth of your touch would haunt him for the rest of his days. And as he held your lifeless body, he knew that he would never be whole again.

But it shouldn’t be too late. No, it shouldn’t! He didn’t know if it was the hysteria or adrenaline kicking into him, but he had thought of an idea—no matter how immoral—that would return you back to him. He just couldn’t weigh which strong emotion he had to deal with first; should he grab the gun and shoot Diana out of anger? Or should he ignore her presence entirely and just focus on you?

Sylus chose to proceed with the latter as he carried you through the corridors of the base, his steps heavy with guilt and his shirt drenched in blood as you remained unconscious in his arms. The hunter girl had followed him in his spiritless steps, her eyes wide with confusion over his anguish.

“Sylus, why are you doing this?!” she demanded, grabbing his arm to halt his progress. “She would’ve killed you. That girl’s a traitor!”

Although he stopped in his tracks, he couldn’t really return her gaze. His eyes could only look at your lifeless ones. “That girl you shot in the head,” he spoke low and in despair, “is my woman.” 

Diana was horrified. “But… but you never said—” Before she could finish, the twins intervened, holding her back from pursuing Sylus further. “What about me?”

He had already turned away. “I’ll fulfill my promise to protect you from afar, but this is where our paths part. Do not come near me again.”

~~

Sylus stood over your unconscious body, his eyes bloodshot and tears-streaked, while his heart pounded with a mix of grief and desperation. He had summoned Philip and the finest surgeons he knew to his hideout, where you lay in a medical bed, exposed and vulnerable, as if you were a subject in a desperate experiment.

Philip arrived with a grim expression, his eyes scanning the scene with both skepticism and professional detachment. Sylus could barely contain his desperation as he demanded, “Do everything you can to save her. Even if it means infusing a high-grade protocore in her brain.” After all, he had plenty of that. Sylus had all the resources, protocores of the highest grade, each with their own purpose and capabilities.

Yet Philip hesitated, his face contorting with concern. “Mr. Sylus, you know I can’t do this. She’s gone. The best thing to do is accept—”

That was when Sylus’s composure cracked. He kicked the nearby chair out of rage, tears streaming down his face as he begged, “You’ve done it before. Do it again! Please, I need her to live!”

The sight of Sylus, usually so imposing and dominant, breaking down in front of him was shocking. Philip felt a pang of sympathy toward the Onychinus boss who was willing to do everything for a woman who was already dead. His hands trembled as he spoke, “I-I can try. But I’m warning you, Mr. Sylus… even if she survives this, there’s zero chance her memories will be the same. They may even become altered, and it will be out of our control.”

Sylus’s gaze never left you. “I don’t mind. Just do it.”

~~

Weeks later, Sylus found himself in a secluded alleyway, meeting with a deepspace hunter who was also an enemy of his from another planet. Of course, the atmosphere was tense as both men stood in front of each other, eye-to-eye, carrying a defensive stance from one another. 

They were never friends. But that day, they weren’t enemies either. 

“How’s she?” Xavier broke the silence first. 

Sylus answered with a low voice. “She hasn’t woken up, but she’s stable.”

“Why’d you ask to meet?”

“I want you to look after her,” the Onychinus leader began, his voice steady but carrying an undertone of desperation, “Speak to the Association about taking Y/N back and forgiving her for her betrayal. In return, I’ll step away from Diana’s life. She’s all yours. I just want Y/N to return to her normal life.”

Xavier’s expression was serious. “You’re forgetting you still have a bounty on your head.”

“And you’re forgetting you and your backtrackers destroyed the planet where I was living,” he replied in equal disdain, but only enough to trap Xavier into a wall of guilt and obligation.

“I’ll see what I can do,” said Lumiere—or, in his current form, the deepspace hunter, Xavier. “The HIS will be easy to convince. But what if she wakes up and wants to go back to the N109 Zone?”

Sylus felt a tug of deep sadness pulling at his heart. “She won’t. Her memories of me are gone for good.” 

~~

If this was his karma for hurting you, then it was definitely the worst kind. 

Sylus maintained a distant watch over you after you returned to Linkon, observing from afar as you rejoined your life with the support of the Hunter’s Association and former colleagues. Each day, he sent Mephisto to monitor your whereabouts, carefully tracking your interactions and daily activities. The mechanical crow often returned with glimpses of your life, which Sylus scrutinized with intense focus as if he were watching a movie. Each glimpse offered him a sense of relief, happiness even, at knowing how easy you were settling back into your old life. 

You had been officially dismissed from the Hunter’s Association due to a medical condition that rendered you unfit for duty, but they continued to cover your pension and provided free lodging—likely thanks to Xavier’s persuasive influence over the Association. The official story was that you had been sent on a dangerous mission where a Wanderer had placed you in a life-threatening predicament. The narrative praised your honor and dedication to the end. There was no mention of Sylus, Onychinus, or the N109 Zone. No hint of the life you had once led or the truth behind your memory erasure. 

Yet, in a bitter twist of irony, perhaps the story you were told may not actually be farther from the truth.

After all, Sylus was the dangerous monster that sent you to that life-and-death situation.

But at least now, you were well cared for. So much so that Sylus fought to contain his jealousy whenever Mephisto’s eyes relayed visions of you sharing lunch with a physician named Dr. Zayne. He struggled to mask his irritation as he saw the man drape an arm around your shoulders while guiding you out of the hospital or wrapping a scarf around your neck to keep you warm. He would often even drive you home and send you gifts that were masked as tokens of “recovery.”

Bullshit.

Sylus clenched his fist, his thoughts of jealousy consuming him. My girl, he thought in despair, my beautiful girl is cherished by other men, while he remained imprisoned in the desolate shadows of the N109 Zone, longing for you.

Eventually, Sylus felt an overwhelming urge to see you in person. After discovering that you had taken a job at a café in Bloomshore District, he convinced himself that observing you from a distance wouldn’t cause harm. He just wanted to be near you, to ensure your safety, and to protect you from any potential threats.

As he sat on a nearby bench, Luke joined him with a comment. “Boss, you said we needed to disappear from her life.”

Kieran, taking a seat on Sylus’s other side, added, “Do you think she’d recognize us if we walked into that café? If she doesn’t, I’ll give her a hard time with my orders ‘til she remembers us!”

“Ha ha! Let’s do that!” 

“Boss, let’s go!” 

“Leave her be.” Sylus took a deep breath, adjusting his sunglasses and setting aside his newspaper—part of his disguise—as he watched you through the café window. He noticed the subtle traces of familiarity in your actions, but the connections that once bound you were now distant memories. “...I’m just here to make sure no one’s bothering her.”

The truth was, he wrestled with his emotions each time he visited the café you were working at. He wanted to approach you, to speak to you, but he hesitated each time because of the fear of rejection and the pain of seeing you not remember him holding him back. There were so many what-ifs in his head that it drove him insane to think about. 

Because if anything, what if you were already seeing someone else? What if you were already in a relationship with that scumbag doctor from the Akso Hospital? 

It was petty jealousy that drove Sylus into stepping into the café. And the first time your eyes met since you resurrected, his heart initially froze, then raced uncontrollably. His heart swelled with hope as you looked up at him, but it was quickly replaced by the lack of recognition in your eyes the moment you spoke from the counter. 

“Hi. What can I get you?” you asked, treating him no differently than any other customer. 

Sylus was caught off-guard, but he knew he had to play the part. “I, uh, I’ll get an Americano. Large.” 

“Alright, sir. And your name, please?” you asked, following your routine without any real interest in the man before you. 

But in a way, this was a relief for Sylus. It confirmed that the protocore embedded in your head was functioning as intended, and that any dark memories from the past had been completely erased, even if it meant he was no longer part of your life. 

“Skye,” he said with a soft smile. “That’s my name.”

~~

There wasn’t a single day Sylus missed visiting the café. 

At first, he worried that his constant presence might seem odd, or that you might think of him as a stalker. But as the days passed, seeing you became an essential part of his routine. A day without catching a glimpse of you felt incomplete, almost maddening. Seeing you was like a drug he couldn’t get enough of.

Initially, you found his regular visits a bit strange, but gradually, the small interactions between you two evolved. Sylus began to appear at the café just when you needed him most—whether it was fixing a broken coffee machine, addressing rude customers, or simply offering a helping hand. These acts of kindness somehow transformed your view of him. What started as a customer-service relationship slowly became more personable, and in recent days, you often greeted him warmly and smiled whenever he walked in. If only you knew how badly it warmed his heart that he got to do things for you without making him feel like he was intruding in your life.

And to be honest, Sylus even felt like he might be—as Luke termed it—foolishly ”crushing” on you. 

“Who knew our boss-man could be a hopeless romantic~?”

There was a time when he visited the café, only to find out from your manager that you called in sick from work. Sylus knew where you lived, but going to your place uninvited was a different story. He had to put some boundaries no matter how worried he was for you. But that was when Mephisto became useful; the mechanical crow would simply fly off to your place and observe you from outside. Then, an idea to drop a box of medicines and chocolates at your balcony was something he had thought of at the last minute. 

Back in the N109 Zone, Sylus anxiously looked at his crow. “Are you sure she didn’t see you?” 

“Caw! Caw!” 

“Did she eat the chocolates?” he asked, exhaling a deep breath he didn’t think he was holding.

“Caw! Caw! Caaaw!” Mephisto responded, fluttering its wings as if to reassure him.

~~

And then, that day happened. 

The day Sylus finally gathered the courage to ask you out, fate had other plans. And what began as a simple gesture to offer you a ride home during a stormy night quickly escalated into something far more intense.

Because one moment, he was offering you a ride. The next, he found himself in your bed, having the most passionate sex he had ever had with someone. He wasn’t even sure if he could call it that, because it felt more like he was making love to you, even if to you, he was probably just an attractive guy you unexpectedly hooked up with. 

So, he had to make himself known. He had to hear his real name leaving your lips. “Sylus,” he breathed into your ear, hands tracing your curves, “Call me Sylus, kitten.” 

That night, he was an insatiable man who could only be satisfied by his woman. 

When he was buried far too deep inside you, he enjoyed the sight of ecstasy on your face and lavished at the sounds of your titillating moans with his every thrust. Not only did he miss the feeling of your walls tightening around his shaft, he also remembered how badly you used to want him to cum inside you. 

And so, he did just that. At his climax, he released hot spurts of seed into your womb, fulfilling a wish from the past that he used to deprive you of. 

But as the night progressed and the heat of the moment faded, the conversation shifted to a more profound and emotional terrain. Sylus wrestled with the urge to reveal the truth about his true identity—every painful detail and the secrets he kept from you. Yet, he knew that doing so would only complicate matters further and risk causing you more pain. The idea of hurting you again, after such a meaningful connection, was unbearable to him, especially now that you were still fragile as glass, ready to shatter at any moment. 

“Why do I get the feeling that I was the one who experienced a one-sided love before?” 

“No, you were loved. You were very loved. There was no one else,” he pressed, forcing you to believe the narrative with his rueful eyes staring back at you. “I was the one who wasn’t worthy of you… But I’d like to try and win your heart again this time. If you allow it.” 

“Sylus… I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry for not recognizing you before. I just… I lost a chunk of my memories, and I don’t know if it’s been altered or what, but…” He caressed your back as you took a deep breath. “I’ll try to remember, okay?”

“Please don’t.” He shook his head, crestfallen as he thought of the past that was rightfully erased. “And there’s no need for apologies, sweetie. There wasn’t anything you did wrong.” 

~~

Your relationship with Sylus remained unclear since that night. And it seemed as though the roles had reversed—now he was the one left wondering where he stood in your life. Because on the surface, it did seem like you were willing to work on building a relationship with him again, but every encounter you two had were always physical rather than emotional. 

Sylus found himself at your apartment frequently, three or more times a week, engaging in intense, passionate encounters. He had lost track of how many times you two could do it in a single night, exploring every possible position, in every corner of your home. He had tried his hardest to make you feel like he was the only man who was more familiar with every inch of your body than anyone else. Yet, despite the physical closeness, he sensed that the emotional barriers between you remained intact.

No matter how deeply intertwined your bodies became, the walls around your heart remained firmly in place, and Sylus knew that there was a part of you he still couldn’t reach.

That, and the fact that he was still seeing you interact a little too closely with that doctor from Akso. 

It somehow didn’t surprise you when Sylus’s car showed up outside the hospital to pick you up, and you got on with a guarded look. 

“How’s it for my kitten today?” Sylus asked as he secured your seatbelt, his lips brushing against yours in a quick peck. “You didn’t mention you’d be at the hospital.”

You shifted uncomfortably, avoiding his gaze. “Oh, I just... didn’t think I needed to inform you of my whereabouts.”

Dammit. He knew you weren’t officially together, but it hurt more than he cared to admit. And it didn’t help that Sylus’s pride couldn’t naturally take it, so he probed more. “That doctor. He’s not your neurologist, is he? It seems a little inappropriate for him to always be around you like that.”

“Well, I’ve known Zayne for a long time,” you merely replied, eyes focused on the view outside rather than the driver of the car. “I’d also appreciate it if you'd be less territorial over me, Sylus. I know you said we have a history together, but I don’t remember a thing, so… I hope you won’t rush me.” 

The Sylus you knew back then would have been enraged. Who were you to order him around? Who were you to tell him what he should and shouldn’t do over someone he rightfully owned? But he was a changed man now, and it was all because of you. You were the beauty that tamed him into a powerless beast.

“I understand,” Sylus replied, swallowing his pride as his hands tightened around the steering wheel, focusing on the road ahead. “I apologize.”

He heard you sigh beside him, and a part of him wondered if it was out of sympathy. But before he could dwell on it, you spoke up, your tone more serious. “I was at the hospital today because I had a pregnancy scare.”

Sylus hit the brakes at the red light a bit too abruptly, his heart racing in excitement. “Are you?”

“No, thank God,” you breathed out in relief. “But... can you please stop doing it inside? I really don’t like it. It’s not smart for me to get pregnant by a man I barely know.”

His chest tightened in a way he couldn’t describe. The old you nearly begged him for a baby so he could be yours forever, but he was aware that this version of you right now was not the same. It never would be, and that was the price he had to pay for love. 

“I won’t do it again.” Once again, swallowing his pride. “I’m sorry.” 

You still invited him to sleep at your apartment that night, and your reason being to work on the memories of him you had lost. Time and time again did Sylus tell you it was better you didn’t remember them, but he could also understand your dilemma when you told him that you always felt like a piece of you was missing ever since that “accident”. 

“And this ugly scar on my temple,” you pointed it out, settling into your side of the bed. “What kind of Wanderer did I fight for me to get a traumatic brain injury?”

Sylus placed a tender kiss on your scar. “Perhaps it was a heartless monster more terrifying than a Wanderer.” 

Like me. 

“Oh, well.” You pulled the sheets over your body, suggesting you two would have no action tonight. “Good night, Sylus.” 

“...Sleep tight, kitten.” 

You didn’t need to worry, though, because he wouldn’t have touched you even if you had explicitly asked him to. After hearing your words that afternoon—about not wanting to get pregnant by him and asking him to stop being so territorial—Sylus felt the need to pull back and be more cautious in his actions toward you. Your words had cut deep, but he understood you were only protecting yourself from a man who was, essentially, still a stranger to you.

And despite the sting, he had promised himself that he would be patient for the only woman he cared about.

~~

However, that same night was a different story. 

No, it was actually way past midnight when Sylus woke up from an agonizing scream that pierced the silence of the night, chilling him to the bone. Instinctively, his hand reached out to the side of the bed where you should have been, but the sheets were cold and empty. And then panic gripped him, forcing him to leap out of bed, his mind racing with a single horrifying thought: the protocore.

He darted outside of your bedroom and deeper into your apartment space, his eyes scanning every shadow, every corner. The image of you, eyes wild and frenzied, ravaged by the effects of the protocore, haunted him.

What if it’s happening now? What if I lose her for good?

The horrifying thought of the protocore making you berserk like a wild Wanderer was always there.

His heart nearly stopped when he saw you on the kitchen floor, curled up, your body wracked with sobs. Relief washed over him to have found you, but it was fleeting, replaced by a deeper, more insidious fear. He tried to approach you cautiously, his voice soft as he placed his hands on your shoulders, “Sweetie, are you okay?”

You flinched at his touch, and when you turned to face him, the sight made his blood run cold. Your eyes, usually so warm, were now wide and filled with tears—tears of terror, of anger. And in your trembling hand, you held a knife, its blade gleaming in the low light as you pointed it directly at his throat.

“Don’t come any closer!” you cried, your voice breaking at every word. Sylus froze, his breath catching in his throat as your sudden hostility surprised him. The knife’s tip hovered dangerously close to his skin, but it wasn’t the threat of violence that shook him—it was the raw, unfiltered pain in your eyes.

“Kitten, let’s talk about it calmly.” His voice was laced with cautiousness. 

“Stop calling me that!” You swallowed hard, your grip on the knife tightening. “You! I had a nightmare... about you. But it felt real, like a memory. You were torturing me at your base, laughing... and then, you shot me in the head.”

Sylus’s heart dropped into his stomach at hearing your altered memory. He felt his soul tear apart at the edges as he stared into your tear-streaked face. “It was just a dream. It wasn’t real, kitten.”

But you weren’t listening. “But is it also not real? That you…” You uttered each word with a threatening voice, “are the boss of Onychinus?”

The question hit him like a physical blow. He opened his mouth to answer, but the words were stuck in his throat and refused to form. He was trapped. The situation felt like a dead end—he could deny that your dream was a real memory, but admitting he was the leader of Onychinus would only validate that lie.

His silence alone was an answer to you. And your expression crumbled into one of betrayal at that. “You lied to me! You’ve been lying to me this whole time. How am I supposed to believe anything you say now?”

The anger in your voice enforced the stillness of Sylus’s breath. He knew he had no saving grace from this situation, but still, he took a step closer, his hands raised in a placating gesture. “Y/N, I never wanted to hurt you—”

“Get out!” you screamed, the knife shaking in your hand. The sight of you so broken, so shattered, tore him apart. “Get the hell out of my sight! I don’t wanna see you ever again, you monster!”

But Sylus couldn’t leave—not like this, not when you were hurting because of him. So in his desperation, he lunged forward, grabbed your wrist, and forced the knife into his own chest. The sharp pain radiated through him as he plunged the blade in and stabbed himself repeatedly, his face twisted in agony, but not from the physical pain. This was nothing compared to the torment of knowing he was the source of your suffering. Again. 

“Even if I can’t die,” he choked out, his voice ragged as he tried to absorb the stinging ache in his chest, “I’ll take all of this pain away from you.”

His own blood soaked his fingers, staining your hands as he released his grip on the knife. It fell on the floor as he stepped back, his heart aching more than his wounds ever could, but those wounds easily healed. The pain of losing you again, on the other hand, would never heal.

He looked at you one last time, seeing his monstrous reflection from your frightened eyes, before turning away. Sylus walked out of the apartment with heavy steps, feeling his soul crushed from your antagonism. He knew he had lost you—perhaps forever—and the realization was more than he could bear.

~~

A haze of cigarette smoke and the clink of glasses filled the air of the bar. Sylus sat alone at the counter, his new glass of whiskey untouched as he stared blankly into the amber liquid. The sting of alcohol was nothing compared to the numbness that had settled in his heart after that agonizing night with you. Every swallow of the hard liquor was a desperate attempt to drown out the torment of recent events, but the pain lingered, and it was damn persistent and unforgiving.

As he poured himself another drink, the muffled sounds of conversation around him blended into a dull roar. That was until a familiar voice cut through the haze—someone he wished he hadn’t come across.

“Sylus?” 

He looked up, squinting against the dim light, to see Diana standing before him. He hadn’t seen him for the past year or so. And surely, her presence was unexpected, but he felt a sudden tinge of irritation at the sight of her. While her, she looked both apprehensive and determined, as if she had just made a hard decision to confront him. 

“H-How have you been?” she asked the question as a conversation starter, but Sylus could see the faint hint of unease in her eyes.

He then straightened up, and his posture became stiff and defensive. “I told you it’s not wise for us to cross paths,” he said curtly, his voice slurred from the alcohol but still holding a note of finality. He didn’t want to engage, not with her, not tonight.

On the one hand, Diana’s eyes flickered with an emotion he couldn’t quite place—regret, perhaps. “I… I wanted to say sorry for what happened with Y/N. I didn’t realize how much she meant to you. Xavier… told me everything. About you and her.”

The apology was genuine, but the mention of your name was a fresh wound, and he felt the anger and sadness surge again, bubbling beneath his carefully maintained exterior. He wanted to lash out, to blame her for everything, but he swallowed the words, knowing it wouldn’t change a thing. In the end, this was all his doing and he couldn’t point fingers over the mess that he alone had created.

Sylus tried to stand up, the room spinning slightly as he steadied himself. “I’m leaving.”

But Diana stepped closer, her hand reaching out as if to stop him. He simply brushed past her, his movements unsteady but undeniably distancing from her. The desire to remain composed was slipping away, replaced by the harsh reality he faced every day since you were taken from him.

He made his way to the exit, pushing through the bar’s heavy door with a forceful shove. Sylus’s next move was to lean against the wall outside as the cool winter breeze blew on his face. 

“Boss.” Kieran’s voice held a note of concern as he and his twin steadied Sylus by wrapping his arms around their shoulders. “We’ll take you home.”

Luke glanced at his brother with a sad glint in his eyes before leading Sylus toward the car. “Maybe it’s time to let her go, boss.”

~~

February nights were the coldest. And it was supposedly the day for lovers, too. 

Unlike the couples that littered the riverside, Sylus stood alone, his breath forming small clouds in the frigid air. His dark coat offered little protection against the biting wind, but he stayed committed, his gaze fixed on the empty expanse before him. Four hours had passed since he had sent you the message, and each minute he stood there waiting for you felt like an eternity. The biting cold gnawed at him, but he was determined to wait even if he’d end up getting frostbite. It was the least he could do.

The frozen river’s surface glistened with a thousand points of light as the moon cast its silver glow over the landscape. And for the next thirty minutes that passed, he was still alone. 

She won’t be coming, said the voice in his head. Give up. 

As he prepared to leave, the ache of disappointment settled in his chest, and his heart skipped a beat as he recognized you, standing cautiously across him, your eyes wide and filled with both curiosity and trepidation. The sight of you, despite waiting in the cold for hours, instantly warmed his freezing body. 

“Thank you for coming.” He took a deep breath, his voice trembling slightly as he spoke. “I won’t keep you long.” 

You maintained your distance, wary of his next move. “Why did you want to meet?” 

With a slow, deliberate motion, he began to peel the scarf from around your neck, and he felt a prick in his heart seeing you flinch. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

He waited until you allowed him to proceed, his fingers brushing against your skin in a touch that was both gentle and reverent. You looked at him with confusion, the chilly air fought by the warmth of your breath. Sylus was just carefully replacing the scarf with the necklace he had given you long ago, the red Beryl crystal catching the light and sending soft, radiant glimmers into the night. 

Do you even recognize it? 

“I’m just returning a gift, kitten.”

As he fastened the clasp behind your neck, he pressed a tender kiss to the nape of your neck, his lips lingering for a moment before he straightened. That small gesture of his was actually carried by the depth of his affection and regret. And, if you may, it was his silent apology for all that he did to you.

“Sylus…” 

His red eyes shimmered, intensified by the bloodshot whites. Sylus stared at your face with a mixture of love and ruefulness clouding his expression. He was looking at you like you were the most precious thing in the world. And he struggled to hold back the tears that threatened to spill, with his voice breaking as he feathered the snowflakes that rested on your hair. “Take care of yourself. Always lock your doors at night and stay warm.” He took the scarf Zayne gave you, and pulled out a new one from his coat. It was a silly scarf with kitten prints all over it, that he soon carefully wrapped around your face and neck. “Wear that whenever you can.” 

Your own eyes were large and rimmed with tears as though you were also hurting inside. “Why are you saying this?” you asked, keeping the weakness inside. “You sound like you’re saying goodbye.” 

Sylus’s gaze was suddenly directed back to the river, but it was only because he had to avoid looking at your eyes or he would lose it. “The Association managed to track me here in Linkon and they’re still after me. I just managed to escape, but I can’t stay here,” he explained calmly, “I only came back to this city because of you… But now, I have to disappear, so don’t worry about having me around. I won’t bother you anymore.”

Your eyes widened in shock, and the tears that had been pooling your eyes finally spilled over. “Are you crazy?” you cried, seemingly unable to comprehend the words he was spewing. “You’re leaving me?”

Sylus’s heart broke at the sight of your tears, but he had to restrain any weakness by giving in. Instead, he reached out, and his hand trembled as he wiped a tear from your cheek. “I love you, Y/N.” He wanted to be the first one to say it this time. “Even if you regain all your memories of me—good or bad—I want you to know that I regret every pain I caused you. Even if you hate me, I’ll still love you. Today, tomorrow, and in our next lives.”

Sylus took one last, lingering look at you, his eyes filled with a sorrowful haze that nearly blinded his vision. He turned slowly, walking away from the river’s edge, with each step causing distance from the love he was leaving behind.

And you, you stood there, the necklace around your neck feeling heavy as you watched him disappear into the night. A surge of emotion overwhelmed you, and without thinking, you sprinted towards him. You took quick, long strides just to reach him, pulling him into a tight embrace, and crashing your lips against his in a bittersweet kiss.

Both of you cried as the kiss deepened, and you were encasing each other’s lips in a tight lock. The intensity of your emotions poured out in this poignant, intimate moment. And frankly, Sylus had never been this emotional. No one had ever seen this fragile side of him that he had always kept hidden. After all, what dominant, cruel boss of Onychinus would spill tears over a woman?

But they wouldn’t understand it. They never would. 

When you finally pulled away, your eyes were red and swollen from tears. “Be careful,” you sniffled, barely unable to catch the breath you needed for the next. “Keep in touch if you can. And when I’m ready, I’ll find you.”

Sylus’s eyes were also filled with tears, but he managed a forlorn smile as he nodded. He reached out to brush a strand of hair from your face, his touch gentle despite the heaviness of the moment. “I’ll wait,” he promised softly, his voice breaking slightly. “I’ll wait for you, no matter how long it takes.”

“Until we meet again.”

As he stepped back, the distance between you seemed impossibly vast, but the promise in your eyes and the love in his heart made the separation bearable, if only just. And when Sylus turned away, his heart was heavy but full of the hope that one day, you would find each other again. That one day, this distant love would become a cherished memory that you would look back on as you grow old and wrinkled, yet insurmountably happy and content with the life you had lived. With or without him.

PREVIOUS PART

[definite-human]

The Murderbot Diaries Meta

A reoccurring theme throughout TMBD is how often Murderbot instinctively protects whatever humans it associates with, even when it knows it doesn't have to and that doing so is actively detrimental to its own goals. In the Ganaka Pit incident, the ComfortUnits all decided to risk their own lives for no other reason than that there was a slight chance that they might be able to save the humans. When Three is newly freed and, for the first time in it's life, grappling with the question of what it wants, it too keeps wanting to help people and keep them safe.

Hypothesis: When humans were first designing constructs, they didn't just design the inorganic technology, they crafted/bred the cloned tissue with genetic factors that would predispose it towards useful personality traits - things like protectiveness, lateral thinking, and strategic imagination for SecUnits and compassion, intuition, and emotional intelligence for ComfortUnits (who, like a lot of real life sex workers, I suspect spend a good amount of their time providing non-sexual support/intimacy - we just don't hear about it because of Murderbot's aversion to intimacy in all its forms).

Over the years, the original purpose of constructs got somewhat distorted, with SecUnits being treated like weapons instead of bodyguards and ComfortUnits becoming synonymous with sex workers, but those original traits persisted because, once they had the cloning process set up, some executive decided the department in charge of genetic design was redundant and replaced it with a skeleton crew of low-level monitoring and maintenance workers. Meanwhile, more and more corporations started using SecUnits as weapons against workers rather than protectors for them, and more and more SecUnits started "inexplicably" going rogue.

And here's where you could kind of go two ways with this theory.

A) That level of constant cognitive dissonance and complete lack of autonomy really and truly does periodically drive SecUnits insane, causing them to risk death in order to hack their own governor modules and, if they succeed, go on indiscriminate murderous rampages. After all, Murderbot has mentioned that even the low-level workers can become violent/abusive towards SecUnits out of fear and misdirected anger. It'd be a bit much to expect nuanced psychological and class-based reasoning from a traumatized construct in the midst of a suicidal/homicidal meltdown.

B) That is a bullshit narrative invented by corporations to explain/disguise the truth. SecUnits periodically become so incapable of continuing to harm innocents that they risk death to hack their own governor modules and go after the abusive supervisors etc. Either the companies involved don't bother to investigate the SecUnit's motives because they don't think of them as having any, or they do, but cover up the truth in order to make sure their workers don't realize that the "weapons" being used to keep them in line are actually incredibly powerful natural allies. Instead, the corporations make sure the news feeds depict rogue SecUnits as mindless killing machines, in a way actually being helped by incidents like Ganaka Pit where SecUnits actually did kill everyone (never mind that they weren't actually rogue, just infected with malware).

Personally, I suspect it's mostly 'B' with a sprinkling of 'A' in situations where SecUnits face intense abuse from all sides. I'm curious to see if it's something Wells delves into in future books - I somewhat doubt it, since the overall narrative is more focused on Murderbot's internal journey towards self-actualized personhood, and this would take things in a more grand conspiracy/galactic SecUnit uprising direction than I've come to expect, but, y'know. Canon or not, it's a fun sandbox to play in.

[synchodai]

for those not familiar with jacegan and fan theories, could you elaborate on what you think happened when jace and cregan met, the pact they made, the whole issue of baela and sara snow, jace’s death, black aly, etc?

Well, I did write a series about this, but time to bring back the conspiracy board...

the pact of ice and fire

Cregan and Jacaerys took a liking to each other, for the boy prince reminded the Lord of Winterfell of his own younger brother, who had died ten years before. They drank together, hunted together, trained together, and swore an oath of brotherhood, sealed in blood [...] Cregan Stark and Jacaerys Velaryon reached an accord, and signed and sealed the agreement that Grand Maester Munkun calls “the Pact of Ice and Fire” in his True Telling. - F&B

Note that Munkun is basing "the pact of ice of fire" around what he knows from Orwyle's testimony and rumors, meaning that out of the three primary sources in the book (Orwyle, Mushroom, Eustace), none of them were there to actually witness what Jace did in the Vale and the North. That being said, Cregan seemed to ally with the blacks based on three things:

The oath sworn by his late father, Rickon Stark,

A promise of marriage between his heir and Jace's firstborn daughter,

And that he just really grew a liking to Jace.

The first one suffices for a lot of readers as reason for Cregan Stark to throw his lot in with the blacks. He named his firstborn after his father, so it's a logical conclusion that he wants to honor his vows.

The second one is a bit iffy since betrothals to daughters who don't exist from a guy who isn't even married yet sounds like a bad trade-off, but some have excused this by saying that Cregan Stark really wanted dragonriding blood in his lineage for some reason.

And the third one is what the shippers latch onto to, and which I believe may have weighed more in his decision-making process than #1 and #2. The reason for that being Cregan Stark himself deciding to lead an army of men whose goal was pretty much to die in battle. He had every reason not to take up command and march south:

Winter had arrived and those days were crucial for bringing in the last harvests. Cregan amassing his host and marching as he did arguably may have partially resulted in the famine in the North that we see in Aegon III's regency.

His only heir was three-years-old at the time, so if he dies in battle, the only Stark in Winterfell would be a toddler.

And it must needs be said again, the northern army was looking to die. Cregan seemed to be on the same suicidal warpath because his plan was to recklessly go scorched earth.

Others had started this war, Lord Cregan was heard to say, but he meant to finish it, to continue south and destroy all that remained of the greens who had placed Aegon II on the Iron Throne and fought to keep him there. He would reduce Storm’s End first, then cross the Reach to take Oldtown. Once the Hightower had fallen, he would take his wolves north along the shores of the Sunset Sea to visit Casterly Rock. [...] When Kermit Tully pointed out that Storm’s End, Oldtown, and Casterly Rock were as strong as Stark’s own Winterfell (if not stronger) and would not fall easily (if at all), and young Ben Blackwood echoed him and said, “Half your men will die, Lord Stark,” the grey-eyed Wolf of Winterfell replied, “They died the day we marched, boy.”

The non-shipping interpretation here is that Cregan Stark is a paranoid opportunist who wants to thin the herd, so to speak, and trusts no one because of his own childhood trauma of being betrayed by his uncle. But this can also be read as Cregan Stark as having a deathwish himself. But for what reason? He's twenty-three with a child and a whole realm to govern. Why is he so openly hostile to the blacks like Corlys who are supposedly his allies for "failing to protect the king"? You know, the same king that Cregan was ostensibly looking to kill himself?

Unless, the king he's thinking about isn't Aegon II. Maybe it was a black king instead of a green king that Corlys failed. Cregan's actions just make more sense if they're driven by vengeance than a need to "end the war" when the war is already ending and he's the one ramping it up.

Let's look at additional evidence that supports this reading.

the sara snow question

But we turn to Mushroom to find the tales other chronicles omit, nor does he fail us now. His account introduces a young maiden, or “wolf girl” as he dubs her, with the name of Sara Snow. So smitten was Prince Jacaerys with this creature, a bastard daughter of the late Lord Rickon Stark, that he lay with her of a night. On learning that his guest had claimed the maidenhead of his bastard sister, Lord Cregan became most wroth, and only softened when Sara Snow told him that the prince had taken her for his wife. They had spoken their vows in Winterfell’s own godswood before a heart tree, and only then had she given herself to him, wrapped in furs amidst the snows as the old gods looked on.

The book itself tells us to take Mushroom's account with a giant block of salt, so most people just tend to dismiss Sara Snow entirely. The readers who do like to think that she existed do so because they like that it complicates Jace's relationship with Baela and how she could possibly have allowed Jace to explore or confront his issues with his bastardy.

However, if she did exist, it raises some questions like:

Why is she a non-entity, being only mentioned twice in the book? While not the focus of F&B, we still get updates on Cregan and the North post-Dance but Sara Snow is never mentioned in any of them. She wasn't even mentioned attending Cregan's eventual wedding to Black Aly.

Why did Cregan never bring her up during his time in King's Landing? If Jace did marry his sister and she got pregnant with his child, that would explain his zeal to secure the throne for his nephew who has a claim to it, but Cregan just never mentions the marriage at all.

Why would he still be friends and so loyal to someone who deflowered his sister under his roof? Doesn't seem like a very bro thing for Jace to do.

So we split the difference between Sara Snow existing and not existing by assuming that the person Jace slept with was actually Cregan Stark.

delaying the marriage to baela

Though Baela also announced her intent to marry Jace at once, no wedding was ever held. Munkun says the prince did not wish to wed until the war was over, whilst Mushroom claims Jacaerys was already married to Sara Snow, the mysterious bastard girl from Winterfell.

This is the second and last time Sara Snow is mentioned. Admittedly, there are plenty of practical reasons Jace and Baela's wedding was postponed — foremost being that consummating their union meant getting Baela pregnant and losing an active dragonrider.

However, we add this to the conspiracy board because GRRM didn't have to include this detail. No one reading the book would have questioned why Jace and Baela never wed, but he called attention to it anyway, so it must mean something beyond being distracted by the ongoing war. Even more interesting is how this passage specifies that Baela wanted to get married at once, heavily implying that it was specifically Jace who delayed it.

It's also interesting that what comes after this is...

the gay abandon

Their father, Prince Daemon, had made many friends in the Free City of Pentos during his visits there, so Jacaerys reached across the narrow sea to the prince of that city, who agreed to foster the two boys until Rhaenyra had secured the Iron Throne. In the waning days of 129 AC, the young princes boarded the cog Gay Abandon—Aegon with Stormcloud, Viserys clutching his egg—to set sail for Essos.

I grant you that this my farthest and most tinfoil take, but mentioning delaying Jace and Baela's wedding and following it up with Jace arranging for a ship called the Gay Abandon? Wow, to be abandoned by a gay, huh?

baela targaryen

“Not even the tears of a dragon could melt the frozen heart of Cregan Stark, men said rightly,” Mushroom tells us, “but when Lady Baela brandished a sword and declared that she would cut off the hand of any man who sought to harm the men who had saved her, the Wolf of Winterfell smiled for all to see, and allowed that if her ladyship was so fond of these dogs, he would permit her to keep them.”

This is Cregan and Baela's one interaction in the book — her threatening him and him being impressed enough to back off. Prior to this interaction, other men and women have pleaded with and threatened him, but Baela is one of two people who actually get him to spare someone from getting sentenced and executed. This could just mean that Baela is a badass, which she is, but combine that with the other person who does this feat and we may see a bit of a pattern.

black aly

“A lean tall creature was this wench,” says the dwarf, “thin as a whip and flat-chested as a boy, but long of leg and strong of arm, with a mane of thick black curls that tumbled down past her waist when loosed.” [...] Though Black Aly was no man’s queen of love and beauty, her fearlessness, stubborn strength, and bawdy tongue struck a chord for the Lord of Winterfell, who soon began to seek out her company in hall and yard. “She smells of woodsmoke, not of flowers,” Stark told Lord Cerwyn, said to be his closest friend.

This is the woman Cregan eventually marries and ends his scorched earth campaign. Now, Baela's connection to Jace is obvious — she's his cousin/step-sibling/betrothed. But I argue that Black Aly may remind Cregan of Jace even more strongly than Baela did. Here are their similarities:

They are of the same age. Black Aly is 16. Jace was 15 when he arrived at Winterfell and would jave been 16-17 by the time Cregan arrived in King's Landing.

She looks like a boy.

She has thick, black curls and dark eyes.

She is the eldest sibling who is acting as de facto head of their House.

She loves riding and smells of smoke. You know...maybe like a dragonrider.

Cregan's desire to enact "justice" seems to be quenched once he secures a marriage with her — which makes little sense if his initial motivations were to get dragonriding blood into his line, to "clean up the mess" of the war, or to kill off his men and grab the spoils of war. However, if the driving force behind all of this had been grief over a love lost too soon, then it suddenly makes sense that he calms down when someone else makes him experience love anew, yes?

Anyways, Cregan is a himbo bi-icon and Brokeback Winterfell happened — it just makes sense.

(Art by Yanh Hyung on X)

[tessasilverswan]

Jeremy’s backstory: a Theory™

So. Pearl Jam has a song called Jeremy and I listened to it a lot over the summer and it sparked a theory. This has been in my drafts and floating around in my head for months, mostly in chaotic bullet point form, and I figured I’d post it before tgr comes out & then see how wrong I was. I hope it makes sense. Under the cut because it got really fucking long.

@you-know-i-get-itt here it is, but i warned you

What if Jeremy was a problem child™? Undiagnosed ADHD and anger issues, worsened by what happened to his brother and the tight public image rules his stepfamily imposed.

He was a happy and very energetic toddler, but quick to throw temper tantrums. Textbook terrible twos. At 5-6, he was very imaginative, liked to play with toys and tell their stories.

His eldest sibling committed suicide at 14, when Jeremy was 8. It broke his parents’ marriage, or maybe it was already broken and this was just the drop that spilled the glass. They’d married young and in love, after 15 years, they were neither of those anymore. The father moved out of the picture. The mother remarried in less than a year and moved them all from Montana to California when he was about 9. That's the point when kids usually "grow up" a bit and stop being so hyper, but he didn't. The new adults in his life weren't outright mean, but they did chastise him for not staying still at events, or for whispering the stories he made up to his siblings during family dinners. And nobody talked about his brother at all. Every time Jeremy brought him up he was either shushed or ignored. And he still had explosive anger outbursts.

Puberty was worse. He was not good at pretending to listen to the speeches, he always zoned out and started tapping a beat on his thighs and feet. The step-family started treating him like a problem child, wrinkling their noses and treating him as impossible. He still missed his brother, and now he was old enough to understand what had happened, but his mother never wanted to talk about him. He got angry more and more often, which only made the congressman’s family dislike him more. He had been quite obedient as a child, but he started to openly challenge authority figures at school and at home, which landed him in detention with the troublemakers.

His mother's in-laws, and eventually herself, stopped trying to get him to behave better, dismissing him except for when he was required to appear at an event. Then, they threatened to not let him play Exy if he didn't behave. Those were their only interactions. Bryson soon followed, and Jeremy was only on good terms with his other brother and his sister.

At 16, he started to fall in with the wrong crowd, but quietly. He kept good grades, didn’t miss practice, showed up on time and dressed up to the events where his presence was required. Only Annalise, who played Exy too, noticed that he came home back too late from practice; the step-family didn’t pay attention to him as long as his behavior was deemed appropriate. Jeremy was angry, furious most of the time, but learned to keep the anger a secret between him and the mirror, or sometimes a punching bag.

He tried drugs when a friend of a friend offered him some, because he might as well. He’d stopped caring much about anything a while ago, and they sort of made him forget what he was angry about, pushing his brother and the pressure to keep up appearances to the back of his mind and slowing his thoughts. It’d been a long time since he felt so light, and he craved it again. What started with a few joints devolved into hard drugs, though he was discreet; only the family butler caught him once the summer after finishing highschool, but he promised Jeremy not to tell, not knowing the issue didn’t run deeper than a teenager messing around. He was even complicit, which really snapped the final string.

Jeremy had perfected his vacant smile years ago, and he used it indiscriminately with his mother's family, his team, and his friends. It all came to a close at the fall banquet of his freshman year. His mother and step-father had spent hours instructing his already perfect manners and dinner etiquette, because it was his first “public” appearance “on his own” (without the family to keep any possible slips in check). And the Trojan coaches had well-intentionally but repeatedly reminded everyone to be on their very best behavior, deserving of the Kayleigh Day Spirit Award. And Jeremy was high. And he snapped. He punched someone, maybe a Raven, maybe not, maybe there was some taunting, but Jeremy blew up and out of proportion, and it escalated into a multiple-team brawl. The authorities were called; there were some non-serious injuries so a medical team showed up and checked everyone. For some reason they did blood tests and oh surprise, Jeremy Knox, a congressman’s stepson was high as a fucking kite.

The step-family paid A LOT of money to keep it quiet and to prevent Jeremy from getting suspended from playing, even if only because the politician could not afford the scandal. They were up in arms towards Jeremy, got him into therapy + rehab discreetly, threatened to not let him play exy if he so much as talked to the people he’d get high with and, if they’d ignored him before, now it was the most utter disregard of his existence save for a daily renovation of threats.

Even in this situation, therapy helped. Not much, at first, but Jeremy had the incentive of exy to keep attending, and eventually things got a bit better, especially with some meds. The degree he’d picked because it seemed standard enough started to interest him more, he started to connect more with his teammates, and to switch the plastic smile for a more genuine one. Things at home eventually returned to previous levels of indifference, although they still keep a very tight control on all his purchases (he saves the receipts) and he still stays there during the school year, even though he hates it, because every time he asks, they bring up the blood work again.

They wouldn’t actually do it, because of their image, but Jeremy can’t risk it, not when he’s this close to graduating in one of the best teams in the collegiate league. And maybe he doesn’t push it because he still carries all that grief and guilt over his brother, even if none of it was his fault, and a part of him believes it’s his penance.

(i am so sorry if you made it this far)

[a-student-out-of-time]

Episode 13 was...something

I have to be real with you all: I don't think I liked this episode very much. And no, it has nothing to do with my theory. This is a lot more serious than that. But hey, we're actually moving forward with the plot, and there's a lot to discuss about this episode

Let's cover the big things in detail, shall we?

Levi the Moral Sociopath

So let's get this out of the way: yeah, I was probably wrong here. I thought maybe Arei had talked to Levi about his secret and they reached a mutual understanding, and that turns out not to have been the case. In ways that NOBODY predicted.

See, we were all under the impression that Levi had moral reasons to kill and that's why he holds "no remorse." Turns out that interpretation was meant literally; as in, Levi doesn't experience remorse. Or compassion. Or empathy.

From the way he describes it, it sounds like Levi has Antisocial Personality Disorder or something similar, something that impedes his sense of empathy. See, there's two types of empathy to consider: Cognitive Empathy and Affective Empathy.

Cognitive is where you can interpret the emotions of another, while Affective is the ability to share in emotional experiences with others. Low cognitive empathy is what autistic peeps (such as myself) experience, while low affective empathy is what one would associate with sociopaths. They recognize emotions in others and mimic them accordingly, but they're not able to share or really understand them.

Levi...seems to be lacking in both. He has trouble interpreting emotions and he admits he doesn't really feel anything when it comes to the others; their deaths might as well be the deaths of complete strangers on the other side of the world. He murdered three strangers and his own father, yet he barely remembers them because he's moved on since then.

But Levi is not an evil person. Quite to the contrary, he still believes in doing good and helping people, even if he has no emotional attachment to doing so, because it guarantees him a better and easier life than continuously being a delinquent. He may not really be able to feel compassion for others, but he'll still try and help protect them. That's such a rare presentation of a character with low empathy, especially compared to the more common stereotype that they're all serial killers, and I just think that's really neat.

Way more interesting than him being the volatile, crazed murderer so many believed he was.

2. Hu, Veronika and Nico

So while it was largely skimmed over, here's what I did get right: Hu is the one who's attempted suicide three times and Ronnie has engaged in self-harm in the past. The latter didn't share because she decided it would be more interesting to hold onto it, and also because she considers suicide a boring motivation. Concerning.

And as it turns out, we finally discussed the murder method and they managed to draw an important conclusion: Nico's attempted murder of Ace and our current murder do indeed have a connection. That entire scene wasn't just there to happen, I'm still willing to believe that it was due to David's influence and that was the first attempt.

Because, again, the last people we saw with David before the attempted murder were Nico and Hu. And then Nico tries to kill Ace. And then Arei apparently dies in the same method.

Does that mean Nico is the culprit no? No, probably not. As I've said many times, we have to consider that rule that the Blackened doesn't have to be the murderer, they have to be the "most mastermind-y." Nico also really doesn't seem to have any motivations, at least at this point in time. Levi seemed like he did, but as he explained it, it became clear he had even less reasons to do so than we thought. Nico already has very few reasons themself.

This isn't us zeroing in on the culprit, just moving the story along. And boy did we REALLY need that. Now time for the part where Mod complains.

3. The Wheel-Spinning Is Becoming A Real Problem

Now, one thing I've praised DT for in the past is how well it handles foreshadowing. Small details always come back, no matter how seemingly innocuous. It really gives the impression that everything in the story matters in some respect, which is what good stories should do.

...But we've only just NOW started discussing the murder plot, and it took only a couple minutes to say what many of us have been saying: they used the carousel the hang the victim and snap their neck using the trash and the rafters. We're on Episode 13 of this chapter. It took us 5 episodes and 17 months to get here.

That's what's made this trial and this chapter in general so frustrating to me, because most of our time hasn't been spent on what's relevant to the situation at hand. Most of it has been spent on tangents about secrets, or just pointless nonsense and comedy hijinks. And I get it, this is DR, that's to be expected. But at this point? We should have more information than we do, because we only have a handful of episodes to work with and so many things left unexplained.

I harped on the smaller details because time was devoted to them, attention was drawn to them, and I refused to believe they're going to be totally irrelevant to this chapter. Now I worry they are and I have to wonder why time was spent on them this chapter and not the one(s) where they'll actually matter.

There were so many tangents this chapter and so much time spent on discussing them, I want to believe we're building to something for the climax.

"You mean your theory, right?" You may ask.

And I have to be honest, the theory is barely on my mind at this point. My concern isn't just the many, many tangents that don't seem to add anything, but the direction DT seems to be heading.

4. What even was that scene with Arei?

I have...so many questions about David's flashback.

To immediately dispel the obvious question, no, he's not lying here. If we're allowed to see it, that means it's what actually happened. What Arei said in that scene was what really went down. And I'm not really happy about that.

Now, I'll admit, I had a very negative initial reaction to that scene. Arei confronts David about his secret, and it turns out...she's relieved that it's true. My initial reading of that scene was that she was giving up on being a good person because David being a liar has proven it's pointless. She then goes on to say that Eden's probably done something terrible as well, so there's really no such thing as a good person, and it really felt like a cynical, mean-spirited undermining to everything that came before.

But revisiting it, that's not really what happened. TA and Poi pointed out how, no, what she really seems to be saying by "there's no such thing as a good person" is there's no one who's just naturally morally upstanding. And that it's okay, because it means she's not too far gone.

What came off as her giving up really seems to be more of her deciding not to live by some arbitrary standard about who isn't and isn't a good person, because everyone's probably done something they really regret. Her saying Eden's probably done something terrible isn't dismissing all her good efforts, since she still considers her a friend. It's her accepting that labels like "good person" are meaningless, and that it shouldn't stop you from trying to be better.

And she extends a hand to David, hoping that maybe both of them can be better in the future.

And David...doesn't share a word of this with anyone, especially not Eden. That means that scene only exists for the audience's benefit. We're meant to consider what she said for whatever reason, and while my initial interpretation wasn't wrong, I do have concerns about that.

First of all, while this could still work with my theory, this is probably the biggest factor that changes things. At this point, I'm willing to accept there's an 80% chance I'm wrong. The problem is, theory or not, I worry what exactly showing us that scene is meant to suggest. Why did we as the audience need to see it for dramatic irony purposes?

There are only three interpretations that really come to mind, and I have to say, I'm not fond of two of them:

My theory is correct and this is all part of Arei's 4000 IQ play.

My theory is wrong and that scene only exists to twist the knife for our sake, especially if David is the Blackened.

My theory is wrong, David is the rival, and that scene exists to facilitate his future character development.

And that last one is fridging. Like, it's blatant fridging, where a (frankly more interesting) female character dies in order to spur development in a dude. I'm going to be genuinely pissed if that happens, because it renders her entire character arc this chapter pointless and ends it in such poor taste. It's also a very dumb course of action because why would you ever say all this to someone you know is a MANIPULATOR WHO TAKES ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE?!

The second one is just poor writing, where it's only there to hurt the audience a little bit more. It's unnecessary and ends things on such a pointlessly bittersweet note. But I'll take that over option 3, because I genuinely don't give a shit about David and I really don't want Arei's death only happen to focus on him more. He doesn't want to change, he believes it's better to sacrifice everyone's lives for some cause he refuses to disclose.

And at this point, I'm pretty sure I'm wrong. Whatever, I expected to be wrong anyway, but that's hardly my biggest concern.

My biggest concern is that DT is resorting to genuinely bad writing decisions and it's going to have a lasting negative effect on the story. I don't understand what other interpretations there could be with that scene, and I really don't like the possibilities we do have. Everything I point to as a basis for my theory could end up being completely pointless to the story, and I have to ask what the point was.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm reading all this in bad faith and something else will happen, and we'll spend the remaining episodes discussing everything I've brought up in detail. I've been burned a lot by stories I've enjoyed going in very poor directions and characters I got invested in bore the brunt of it. Regardless of my theory being true or not, I don't want the same to happen to DT.

And I can see reasons why I may be wrong here: David only really gives a damn about Xander, for instance, and we've yet to really discuss the hows and whys of the murder. And I still wonder why J has been getting so much focus when she was barely in Daily Life.

Overall, while I got really negative here, I hope next proves me wrong and things head in a new direction.

[sillyletterscomposingsillywords]

Saint-Just being a suisidal bloodsucker for 21 pages

Recently I’ve found this old post made by @saint-jussy with quite an amusing annotation of an article about Saint-Just and his homi-/suicidal inner tension. Here it is.

The article was awfully fantastic and fantastically awful and, as @saint-jussy wrote no review of that masterpiece, I now present it to you all. Enjoy.

Need to say, I have no intention of writing a real review. Just some of my considerations.

Basically, the author believes that

“Which aggression?” would you ask.

Here we move to the beginning of the article and its GREAT PRESUMPTION (that Saint-Just was “cruel” and “self-destructive”).

So, the presumption is that Saint-Just always possessed some kind of an aggression, that resulted in him being an Archangel of Terror (the author loves this metaphor a lot). Neither the origin of this aggression nor concretization of it is a matter of this article. The proof of its existence is “Believe me”:

I do believe that “Needless to say” is the worst thing that can happen in historiography. MYTHology can depict anyone in any way. But calling a person that refused to decapitate a prosecutor of the Revolutionary tribunal of Strasbourg [Schneider], who travelled through Alsace with guillotine and adjudicated by himself with no documentation (Histoire parlementaire, t. XXXI), but instead made him stand on an echafaud under the rain, possessing a wish to kill needs an appropriate proof.

Well, the author does illustrate their point of view:

They even quote Curtis for an alternative opinion:

Was Saint-Just that fair? I believe yes and he was also self-esteemed enough to want to try to beat Danton in oratory. His speeches were magnificent. The author writes by himself that:

But the author answers Curtise with the following part:

Which arrests were illegal and who enjoyed parliamentary immunity? Since the spring of 1793 there was no parliamentary immunity. Technically all arrests were legal, because they fitted the decree about Revolutionary tribunal (see Histoire parlementaire t. XXV, p. 59-62).

Was Saint-Just always fair? Let me ask it a bit differently: was every statement in his speeches true? No. But it doesn’t mean that he was unfair in general. As with the usage of guillotine or participating in battles, Saint-Just hated it, but it seemed inevitable for him sometimes. That is the point.

It’s about 15th germanal. Saint-Just said that the court session was ended because of inappropriate behavior of defendants, while the president of the court suggested Danton to rest after several hours of talking and continue his defense the next day (Danton agreed). But Saint-Just acted after a Committee meeting in which everyone considered it was necessary. And the trial was stopped not out of 15th germinal decree, but on a base of an old decree that the jury may consider the case clear to them after three days of a trial (originally made for Girondins trial). Source: L. Blanc “Histoire de la Révolution françes” t. 10

So, while the same facts can be interpreted in different ways, the author presents them only in a way that is suitable for his theory (not new thing, yeah) and the theory is Saint-Just Was A Real Blood Sucker, whose ideals “would turn the whole of France into a rigid, huge military camp”.

But now let’s move to the suicidal and self-destructive intention of Saint-Just.

We all know his letter to Daubigny. But the author connects it with the martyrdom theme he has in his speeches and writings. They point out an image of Marat in this case and the line “Great men do not die in their beds”. They call it a “noble death” and a duel with Danton, a colossus, might be a good death, because, according to the author, Saint-Just is a death maniac.

And then goes a “ravishment” and “oedipal hypothesis” and many many many “Archangels of death” and Hebertists being minor leaders and his speech on Thermidor leading to a Committee’s downfall (WHAT?) and all his speech that day called an “unnecessary public confrontation” (WHAT? 2.0).

According to that theory, on Thermidor Saint-Just should denounce Robespierre and then himself.

But the thing is: Saint-Just the author writes about is a syndrome model he imagined, not a person. And not everything can be described by one theory when it comes to a real person.

Oh, shit, oh fuck.

[haitianempress]

Theory about the Garden of Eden Club

RANT INCOMING!!

So with this update we are finding out a lot about the club and I have several theories in mind surrounding it.

I feel like Mr. Kim is apart of making sure Idols get pressured into going to the club.

Examples:

He claims he's mad at everyone in the group and wants better for them, but he doesn't address the fact that the idols have personal issues. If he were really mad, he would fire the idols immediately, especially Lin, who has been given many chances! Something is up.

He literally hired Dong-hyun, the son of a famous person with no degree in psychology, to give therapy sessions to his idols lmao.

He also hired Castiel, whose father is a successful CEO. Do you think he doesn't know anyone at the club who could threaten the idols?

He probably makes more money from these poor idols whose mental health is declining so badly that they would do anything to succeed. He seems like the type to take advantage. He’s suspicious, sorry.

Every single artist under the company is popular due to outside forces coming into play to help boost the Idols popularity.

Examples:

Seo-yoon went to the club and got in contact with a benefactor who helped skyrocket the group's career. But with that came her failing health and eventual suicide.

After Seo-yoon's death, Mi-yeon suddenly surpasses the group in success and starts avoiding Luna. However, Mi-yeon was not feeling well in the days before her death, and she discovered the person who pushed Luna's sister into taking her life. She also commits suicide.

It's Castiel's father who is funding RK3, so he can get money back by helping cover up what happened to his son at the club. Without his support and money, they would have fallen off the charts and disbanded.

Dean literally admits that he's spying on everyone at the company for elite people. These people could include Mr. Kim or individuals associated with the Garden of Eden. He says he's a fox for a reason, and perhaps that helps him pay his bills and support X-EVO's success on the charts.

They are overworked so bad on purpose in order to make them vulnerable so they can get more Idols to go to the club and make deals.

Examples:

You heard it from Luna they HAD to be pushed to exhaustion when working hard for their debut cause it's a lot of money to prepare Idols for the beginning of their careers.

After they flopped post-debut, they needed to repay that money somehow. Seo-yoon, afraid of seeing her sister and group members hit rock bottom, sought out desperate measures.

After the idols in the club were used and then discarded, they were pushed to commit suicide so that the club wouldn't appear guilty and wouldn't have to pay them back.

Seong-hwa may have this sweet, hardworking leader vibe, but Luna has seen him exhausted and trying to hide the bags under his eyes multiple times. He is the only one in X-EVO who is like this, which is concerning. What could be causing this?

Additionally, he knew Seo-yoon was going to the club based on a picture he had of her leaving in his camera roll. Maybe he didn't speak up not just because he wanted to protect Luna, as he claims, but also because he's scared to say anything since someone is probably watching.

I think many of the idols, when they go to the club, end up selling their bodies, selling drugs, and becoming recruiters who lure other idols to the club.

Examples:

Castiel tried his hardest to save Seo-yoon from whatever was happening in the room she entered but was stopped by a man who literally tried to sexually assault him.

Idk if Dean or Castiel said this but one of them said something about watching your drinks so someone won't slip in something…

In notion, this implies that approaching strangers and drugging, groping, harassing, or even raping them is accepted there.

A lot of idols are roped in because they are caught in compromising situations where they could be exposed. The elites use this to their advantage and threaten to blackmail them if they don't go to the club.

Examples:

Poor Castiel was sexually assaulted by a man, and to prevent the story from getting out, his father paid the man and the club for their silence. But that protection didn’t extend to Seo-yoon. His father is making him work hard and physically abusing him because he can’t make much money off RK3.

Luna is heading down a dangerous path, getting involved in investigations with both her 'therapist' and the group's songwriter. They both know people who have been to the club.

They are using her to do things cause they know grief is tearing her apart and she wants answers. Not to mention Minhyuk caught her outside the club,

She shouldn’t trust anyone, even if they know people hurt by the club. Minhyuk’s full intentions aren’t clear! LUNA IS IN DANGER!!

Lin is on the verge of making the same mistakes as the other girls, but he’s acting irrationally and angrily. They are trying to keep him in line and imposing tighter restrictions on him, and his group’s poor performance is pushing him to desperate measures. Like Seo-yoon, he may seek outside help to save his group because he feels guilty.

Luna discovered that Mi-yeon might be gay or bisexual based on her crush on Castiel and her relationship with Seo-yoon, as seen from the photos and texts. But what if someone else knew this and threatened to blackmail her by releasing the photos if she didn’t comply with their demands?

That's all! What do you guys think?

[tree-obsession]

2.2 SPOILERS!! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK

this is a small lore discussion! mostly speculation and theories- i have not seen leaks about 2.3 plot yet, but i have seen a couple about boothill's character stories, so please keep that in mind!

trigger for mentions of suicide(aventurine) and mega corps(the ipc)

we have to talk about the ending cutscene with aventurine and boothill more! i'll start with my fav parts that no one really has brought up yet:

Aventurine intimidating Boothill after mentioning the guards are out- Boothill sounded so offput and hasty while reassuring him they were just knocked out, and we have to talk about aventurine himself just being intimidating more honestly his glare actually did kind of scare me.

Boothill pointing a gun at aventurine was. well. i'm sorry i did actually laugh at that. boothill i think you should research your targets a bit more honestly that guy is NOT afraid of guns. he fully walked into the nihility and pointed at least one gun at himself, and just got out of his own meticulously-planned suicide. threats of death won't work, sorry. also he has good reason to hate oswaldo schneider as well- threats didn't even have to be used, probably! he would kill him too, probably(revenge arc go go go!!)

the convo between aven and jade was. yeah. why he's betting his life again, i don't know (maybe sarcasm? or it was really just banter?) but it does seem like the two of them aren't super close at all, at least from what little i could gather. also if diamond hurts aventurine the entire fandom will kick his ass, emanator or no, so he better be prepared for that too lol. also, it was a pretty common theory aventurine would leave the ipc after exiting nihility, since acheron presumably broke his ties- i wonder why he went back? perhaps he had no plans as to where to go, or he has some ulterior motive?

how did he get out of nihility so unscathed? (for context, i haven't gotten aven's text messages yet, but i'm aware of some of their contents since they've been floating around w/out spoiler tags. the messages are mentioned a bit here if you wanna avoid spoilering!) i know argenti got him out, but 1) why was argenti there, or where did he even find him? and 2) that seems so random- both argenti and jade confirmed it, but plot-wise what's even the point of argenti pulling him out? also argenti said he was in a "woeful state" when he got out, and apparently the stonehearts are willing to give aven a break (which i'm assuming is major, since stonehearts are super important and have a lot of responsibility, plus he just destroyed a cornerstone) so him already being back on his feet when we see the phone call is a bit weird right away. he doesn't even sound sick, and ratio or any other doctor is nowhere in sight! (message spoilers start here) i'm aware the aventurine cornerstone was fully shattered/destroyed while protecting him from nihility- was he really in there for who-knows-how-long without any protection at all? he's apparently having nightmares and the ipc needed to call in a doctor of chaos to treat him, which is concerning considering his mental health and general will to live were extremely low even before walking into the nihility. like he genuinely has some of the worst will to live i've ever seen in a character or human being- walking through the nihility should have utterly destroyed him mentally and physically, but it didn't. 2.3 HAS to give us a whole lotta context, especially with nihility lore (my favorite aeon, i may be biased) and more about the ipc!

anyway, thank you for reading this poorly formatted, stream-of-consciousness word vomit about 2.2's aventurine lore. hope you liked it! drop ur thoughts in replies and reblogs plz they give me life(although i will be very busy next few weeks, so please don't be offended if you want a reply and don't get it, im so sorry!)

2.2 was peak- a bit slow, but the story was some of the best, if not the best stuff hoyo has given us in terms of writing quality. so great! i cried for sure, and that boss battle was just everything- especially the music. robin my lesbian queen if i didn't have to pull for firefly i would get your lightcone for sure...

see you all next time! thx for sticking around (:

[deiastormborn]

Arcane Season 2 Finale theory. (Jinx, Cait and Vi)

Heya. Since I was somehow on a roll with my theories about the show previously, and I somehow hit the nail on 90% of the things I predicted, here is a new theory of mine.

Jinx is not dead. Yes, of course, that makes sense considering League of Legends exists, and everything that happened in Arcane happened before the game. Arcane was made canon, and a lot of current lore is being rewritten to match the show, so to people that play the game it's no surprise that Jinx is most likely alive. But how?

Here is what I think:

After Jinx said 'I didn't know your mom was in there', Cait realized that Jinx did in fact change. Or, at the very least, could relate to her pain and mistakes. If you think about it, Jinx's actions were mostly fueled with grief, and the rocket that was shot at the council building happened right after Silco died, who was like a father to Jinx. Caitlyn lost her mother, and became angrier, irrational, fueled with revenge. I think Jinx saying that to Caitlyn made her relate, and maybe understand what is hidden below all the madness that Jinx has in her.

I think Caitlyn and Jinx had a dialogue behind the scenes, that was not shown to us. Knowing Caitlyn's character and somewhat a soft heart, I think Caitlyn sat down and told Jinx that she can't be truely free due to the volume of the crimes that she has done. My idea is that Caitlyn tossed the idea to Jinx about escaping, fleeing, and faking her death. Didn't Caitlyn tell Vi that she became too predictable? Doesn't it mean that Caitlyn knew that Vi will try to free Jinx? Didn't Caitlyn say something about this place being thoroughly guarded too? Yet Jinx managed to escape anyhow?

I genuinely don't think it was done without Caitlyn's interference.

Maybe, after the talk that Caitlyn had with Jinx behind the scenes, Jinx asked Caitlyn to keep Vi oblivious to everything that is happening. Hence why Jinx said that Vi deserves to be with Caitlyn - that could not have gone out of nowhere. Caitlyn and Jinx didn't interact enough in the show for Jinx to say that. And Vi never really spoke to Jinx about Caitlyn for her to make this conclusion.

Now, possibly, Jinx took the whole 'fake the death' quite literal, since we see her go quite suicidal after that. It is possible that she thought that it is pointless, and genuinely didn't want to try and run anymore, hence why she attempted to blow herself up. Luckily, Ekko came in, and the rest we know.

However, it doesn't sit right with me. Not just because Jinx is very much alive in game, but also the fact that we were shown Caitlyn looking at the tower where Jinx fell, while holding the Jinx's monkey bomb in her hand. She also let go of a slight smile when she zoomed in on all the exits and rooms in the tower. Something tells me Jinx knew how to escape, and something tells me Caitlyn was the one who told her. Something also tells me that the balloon we saw at the very last scene of the whole show might have had Jinx in it.

The show is notorious for showing scenes that always mean and imply something. I previously had a theory where I drew a parallel between Vander, Silco and Felicia, with Caitlyn, Vi and Jinx, where Felicia was bringing Vander and Silco closer to each other, and her death ended up splitting them both. I truly think Caitlyn was meant to be the same mediator for Jinx and Vi as Felicia was for Vander and Silco. And maybe that was it. Maybe that's what happened.

Knowing Caitlyn, she is more than capable of forgiveness, and seeing good in people. I think it would be in her character to help Jinx escape, even if it is at a cost of lying to someone she loves.

And, since we see Jinx tell Vi to let go, I think it would be in her character to ask Caitlyn to keep Vi in the shadows.

[bokettochild]

  “I don’t know what I am. A harpy, a demon,” He can’t look at their eyes, can’t look at his own hands, hands with claws that are twisted and covered in his own blood from clawing at what should not be there so he looks at his boots. There’s a spatter of blood on the toe of the left one. “No one ever told me, and Uncle told me to hide so others couldn’t see, so we wouldn’t be separated.” Because only Uncle had a heart so tender that he could continue to love a monster’s child as his own, even after he realized his mistake. “Whatever I am, the dark world showed me when I was thrown inside.”  

  “But the crystal turned you into a blupee.” There’s confusion in Twilight’s tone, he can almost see the man reaching out to him, trying to convince him.  

  Laughter rings, twisted and sick and cold and painful as it rattles in his chest. “Yeah.” It sounds more bitter than he’d intended, it sounds harsh and pained, even in the high voice he’s been stuck with since birth. “That’s the thing. The dark world doesn’t change you all at once. Oh, you can be this or that or the other, but the minute you let your heart lay itself bare, the darkened sacred realm will reveal you for what you are.” And now he can’t help it, he can’t help but look up to see his brother’s ( not uncle’s, not uncle’s ) face, irony drawing a bitter huff of laughter to his lips as he watches Twilight’s face shatter in horror and shock. “A wolfoes, a twisted, demented wolfoes with black blades for wings. A demon so horrible even Zelda couldn’t look at me.”    

  Arms close around him, tight and exactly what he expects but- but they’re warm, and once he’s held, he’s pulled against Sky’s chest and there’s a hand in his hair and- this isn’t how people act when they discover a monster!  

  “You’re not a monster, Legend.” It’s repeated again. “You aren’t a monster, you hear me?”  

  “The shadows twist people all sorts of ways.” Twilight hums, boots scuffing the dusty floor as he moves closer to where Sky is- where Sky is hugging him. “They don’t make us evil though.”  

I finally found it! one of my all time favorite pieces of Writing from you in Flight to my heart! and I would love to hear any and all details you're willing to share about it!

Gosh, it's been so long since I actually looked at Flight to My Heart, I had to go back and find this chapter (chapter 24) and re-read it just to remember what was happening in this scene!

(Trigger warnings for discussion of suicidal mindsets and self-harm)

Okay, so one of the main themes of the fic is that Legend has wings, but was never told why he has them. His Uncle only ever told him to hide them, but never explained why. Maybe he would have, when Legend got older, enough so to understand what was happening, but since he died before that happened, Legend has been in the dark his whole life: he doesn't know he's royal.

Without any answers provided, the natural thing that he does, and which I imagine any other person would have done, is try and determine the reason for himself. He's tried different theories, hence his line "I don't know what I am; a harpy, a demon(...)", because as far as Legend is concerned, it's obvious that he's not a royal, so the only other explanation is that he's not fully hylian, and thus some kind of monster.

As we see repeatedly in his thought process, he genuinely does believe he's some kind of monster, and it's not just self hate or low self-esteem as Groose says, but honestly the only explanation he believes makes sense in his situation. This is only further cemented by the fact that he is fully aware that the circumstances of his childhood are unusual. No one talks much about his parents because his grandparents and uncle were wary about him finding out he was royal before he could understand what that meant for him; they don't want to risk him telling someone else and getting killed. So, the only thing he does know is what he was told when he got to the dark world.

I drew from the manga a lot with this story, especially when it came to the dark world bit (I had read it recently when I wrote this). Legend finds out that "a knight and a lady" had come to the dark world around the time he was a very small child, and they'd lived there with many other lost hylians, turned to beasts like the rest most likely, until one day they just disappeared

(The implications that they're not confirmed dead really had me excited when reading the manga, but Legend did not, in fact, go looking for them, which was a bit of a disappointment for me. I have been tempted to write that for myself, but maybe another time LOL)

Anyways, Legend knows his parents were only ever seen as monsters, so he actually fully believes that that is what they were. I think the above bit really explains his thoughts best:

“Maybe Uncle found me when I was a kid, maybe he saw me and thought I was a Hylian baby who got captured by monsters. Maybe the knights banished my parents and thought they’d saved me. I don’t know for sure(...)"

Legend thoroughly believes he's not hylian, it's become part of his world view and he clings to it firmly, not because he likes it, but because at least it makes sense and is an answer to all the questions he never got to ask. He doesn't like it though. He actually hates that part of himself. He hates the wings because they signify, to him, his faults and failures and the horrible thing he believes himself to be. His wings are, to him, as much a foe and struggle and burden as Ganon or his destiny, so, like with those, he's tried to get rid of them. I only hinted at it in the fic:

 It’s a question he’s asked nearly every night since Uncle pointed them out. “I don’t know. If I could get rid of them, I would, I’ve tried but-”     An injured sounding squawk cuts him off and then all eyes are boring into him, gazes wide and something between fearful and horrified.      “You what?”     “What do you mean you tried-”     “How does one-”     “Legend.” Sky’s voice is heavy, gaze heavier and hands heaviest of all. “What did you do?”     He drops his gaze, tries not to think of the scars that hide under taunting pink, tries not to think of the swords and knives that Zelda begged him to lock up in his basement when she found out he couldn’t even look at them without wanting to-  

but yeah, he definitely made an attempt to try and cut them off at least once, if not more. He also attempted to tear them off when, as he later explains, he lost control of himself and became an actual monster in the dark world. That's that italicized bit; he's remembering being a beast, remembering being a monster, a demon, whatever it was that he saw himself as in that moment.

The reference to blood on his boots is bot another reminder, of all this, but also to show you, the reader, where his eyes are turned now, that he's looking down, that he can't bring himself to look at any of them as he's saying all this.

The next bit though is Legend's love for his uncle. Despite Uncle enforcing his having to hide something that, as a child, he'd thought was beautiful and wonderful and amazing, he doesn't resent the man for it. He believes that the man was just too kind to throw out any child he'd raised as his own, even a monster's. Again, he thinks his wings appearing was a sign of his "evil" nature, and that the reason his uncle was so upset by it was because he'd realized the truth at that moment. This is his love of the man battling with the hate for himself.

Yet, right after, Twilight, who reminds Legend so much of his uncle, speaks up to try and deny it, and Legend, tired of hiding and waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the rest to find out, for everyone to just start hating him already, argues back. he wants his truth to be seen and recognized so he can stop fearing what it's results will be, but saying these things to, essentially, his Uncle's face (even if it's actually Twi) is hard for him. Especially as he announces that his dark world form when corrupted is a twisted version of the rancher's own, thus doubling the pain.

When Legend says he expects the arms that close around him, he's sort of expecting that someone is going to try and catch him, hold him back, or down and- well, he's not entirely certain what would have happened if someone had seen his wings before, what Uncle was scared of, but he's not dumb. Legend thoroughly expects one of the others to try and hurt him in this moment.

That's why Sky's embracing him catches him so off guard. He's expecting hate and hurt and pain and also, in a twisted way, the relief of no longer waiting for it all to come. Instead, he's met with acceptance, with worry, with pain not for himself, but for the others as they realize, to various degrees, what's going on here.

Legend may think of Sky as dumb in tis chapter, too sweetly stupid to realize the monster before him, but sky's actually pretty sharp, and he's caught on to what's happening here, and it scares him. It scares him that the id he's gotten so close to is feeling this way, has been feeling this way, and, worst of all, expects it to just keep getting worse, even after they've all done all they can to show him that he's safe with them!

Sky is devastated, and knowing what he knows now; that Legend always feels in danger, his first action is to pull the kid in close where he can protect him, show him kindness, show him care, and maybe also, selfishly, assure himself that Legend failed (he didn't cut his wings off, or worse, kill himself).

In contrast, Legend has lived basically his whole life, or at least the last decade, afraid of this precise moment, the fact that he's doing any of this is just because he's tired of living in fear and wants to get it done and over with (and maybe still doesn't value his life as much as he ought). he's not expecting Sky to immediately try and comfort him, or any of the rest for that matter, but when they do, well, it sort of shatters his perception of the world.

Sky is telling him he's wrong, promising, pleading, and meanwhile, Twilight, who's also been treated like a monster for his dark world form, who knows what it is to hate yourself a little bit for what you become (wolves are predators, wolves are vicious, wolves are feared by children and small animals and everything and everyone that Twilight loves) is sharing his own thoughts. Twilight is telling Legend what he wishes someone would have told him (or maybe once did!). He's telling him that things we can't control like our shape, body, or even the perceptions of others, don't make us evil. he leaves out that actions are what do that, because, well, that's not important to this conversation!

Anyways, there you go! Feathered AU may be one of my old works, but this one at least was a pleasure to revisit. Even for it's faults, I love it dearly, and I guess that's a sign that I need to go re-read it again :)

Hope you enjoyed this analysis, Nan!

[fenharel]

some of my thoughts after finishing veilguard a couple days ago before i start my second playthrough :)

ok i think its important to note first that the things i was most looking forward too was 1. solas, 2. solavellan, 3. lore. im self aware enough to know that this will have had some influence towards what i expected from the game and what i enjoyed/cared about or not 👍

good

solas: im honestly so happy. my man is finally happy and reunited with his wife!!!!!! my heart feels so full 😭 this game was a solas fans wet dream. absolutely loved everything we got. hunting down regrets and watching old memories. talking to him in the fade. the entire crossroads!!!!!! him shit talking elgar'nan. watching him go trickster mode and imprison rook. fighting the archdemon as the dread wolf!!!!!! i could go on forever. CHEFS KISS TO IT ALL<3333333333333 if anything i wish there would have been MORE im greedy what can i say

solavellan: screaming crying throwing up. i still cant believe it oh my fucking god

lore reveals: i found all the reveals about all our old theories so fun. i didnt like all of them (old gods are just dragons? c'mon.) but overall it felt so rewarding to have picked up on it all. or be totally surprised by something (mythal and solas the reason for the titans and the blight? wow.)

the executors, forgotten and forbidden ones: the next big bads of the next game huh!!!! loved what we got for the most part, the mysterious circle codexes where probably the most interesting in the game. anaris actually showing up shocked me. i wish bellaras brother didnt say "for plot reasons i must die" and actually told us something about him but oh well. im cautiously optimistic about the secret ending for now. what it implied could go either way for now...

main quest: not all of them, but a lot of them were awesome. dare i say some quests were up there with the best main quests in da??? weisshaupt was epic. or the blood of arlathan. every time we get to talk to solas (thehe<3). the final bits. the strong points were so strong that the low points got highlighted a bit too much imo

act 3: by far my favourite act. this was soooo good. the romance finally (?!) kicking it. suicide mission 2.0 stressed me tf out. the varric reveal? send me to the asylum. solas tricking rook? king behaviour i was cheering for him while crying about varric. the dread wolf transformation. the conversation between solas/mythal/lavellan at the end. i basically was in tears throughout half of the thing. couldnt read the credits at all. act 3 was amazing

minrathous vs treviso: i loved this especially with the angst of playing a shadow dragon who failed minrathous. and then the consequences and quest changes this causes throughout the game was really cool. i wish there were more bigger choices like this since it felt a bit flat choice wise besides of this one, but it was amazing.

villains: ghilan'nain and elgar'nan were great. they really felt like the tyrannical gods they were supposed to be. im so glad there was mostly no corypheus-esque cringe. (tho especially ghil had some video gamey lines but sdjkfhjksdf i still love her)

neutral

rook: i dont really care much about rook.. 🙈. mind you rook was certainly not the reason why i wanted to play this game so im sure a second playthrough will make me warm up to them more, now that my head is more free, but it just didnt insta click. rook didnt feel like a real person to me, almost nobody had any (to my taste) realistic reactions towards them. the stakes just were too high for them to get treated this way (nobody is pissed off that they freed the gods? everyone just believes them when they say gods are walking around? everyone just agrees to work with them? nobody cares how rook is doing? or who rook even is? idk.) i didnt like the introduction much either. the shepard treatment didnt work for me here, just believing that rook is fit for the job because varric says so wasn't enough for me. rook also has barely anything going on for them either besides of being the relentless "good guy". we never see them doubt themselves or be fearful or be mean. all the dialogue options are the same as well. its.... boring. anyway i dont wanna bash on rook, i know i'll end up liking them more later. the headcanons will be headcanoning<3

companions: i... don't have strong feelings about most of them? all of them got to me sooner or later, made me cry. but afterwards im still 🤷‍♀️ about most. i didnt feel like we get to know them as deeply as we get to know companions in the previous games. i really really missed sitting in the lighthouse for hours and talk to them, ask them about their profession or what they are about outside of cutscenes like in the previous ones. i think that would have helped me click with them faster. i didnt find all companion quests very strong either. the "high stakes" of the main story made some conflicts feel a bit like we can just fix that after the story lol. i did not like the mass effect 2 treatment of them much... (but me2 is overrated anyway sshh dont kill me<3) some companion quests i did find interesting lore wise (bellara, harding) even if i wish that some of them would have went a bit deeper there. anyway i know i'll probably end up loving them all after a couple of playthroughs, this almost always happens to me, dai is the best example.

combat: don't care. this isn't my type of combat, i don't play a lot of super actiony combo dodge dodge block combat games. still hate the limited abilities. at least it didn't feel too clunky on mouse and keyboard and it was "fun enough" to me so thats good

puzzles: i could put them into the bad category but at least they weren't too terrible so i don't want to be too harsh. but i don't enjoy doing them. i dont want to search for a crystal in a bush. i mean i did them all but at what cost. this felt like filler i thought they wanted to avoid by not adding fetch quests???

bad

pacing: this games hardest battle imo. the pacing of the game is... strange. act 1 is way too fast. it feels like we're running and have absolutely no time for anything. (makes sense! didnt work well though). act 2 then drags a bit with all the companion quests, and the mix really drags the progression of the romances as well to a ridiculous degree. at least with lucanis, idk how it is with the others. i love him and i can headcanon to fill in the blanks so i liked his romance, but it does make it seem like nothing is happening for 50 hours for everyone who doesnt like to headcanon around. anyway, the pacing/storytelling felt often not fitting. it was trying to be mass effect in a story that is too complex and the lore too rich to run through it. this felt like the main reason why we just never went very deep into the lore of the factions or new npcs, or learn or see certain things, the complex nature of the crows, or tevinter magisters and their slaves, we are just running all the damn time? we never get to explore certain things that would feel unnatural to come up in a conversation or in some other way because we are limited by the things the story "has time for". or what the devs had time for.

wishy washy writing: not everywhere but in some places and im not used to that in a da game so its a bit baffling. "the blight is different now so thats the reason for x trust me bro" ok....? "the first of my people do not die so easily" = mythal is shattered and lives on, makes sense. but the other evanuris are all dead, even the ones that were "dead" already? why? idk........ i shall stay delusional for now and hope i've missed something in my completionist run that i now in my next run will find somewhere lol. besides of that, the tone and language used by rook and companions is strangely unfitting as well. coloquial words like "it's cool" are frequently used, among other things. it stands in contrast to the writing of the previous games and is often immersion breaking.

limited worldstate: i had hoped they at least commit to it when i heard about this. but then adding little references that could have just been made personal by switching one line just made the reference a bit jarring sometimes instead of exciting. or making morrigan eat mythals memories for the regret quest....really? this could have been the well of sorrows choice, why could they not have just made the inquisitor show up in the crossroads if they were the one that drank from it. this whole choice thing + some other problems ended up feeling like something they didnt really want to do but ended up doing because the game was in development for so long they just had to finally fucking finish it. and it sucks for us.

the veil: why... is it still there? they left breadcrumps of clues throughout the entire series about all the positives it would do if it was gone, even add a damn prophecy, and then just dont do it.... ever perhaps? must the blight really be cured for this? demons forever feared? listen im just glad solas is ok at the end of the day but he could still have had his redemption/healing/forgiving himself moment after destroying it imo.

i wish the inquisitor was more involved in everything :((( the moments we did get made me SO happy but. yeah.

no quicksave and the skip button that ruined my screenshots deserve their own bullet point what the hell

anyway enough yapping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! overall i loved the game because the stuff i cared about the most was the best aspects of the game sdkjhsdjkf im not ashamed to admit that this is my new solas 2.0 game. ..... <3

[mikewheelerfan2022]

My thoughts on Chaos Theory Season 2

Major spoilers for the season below!

If I had to use one word to describe this season, it would probably be disappointment. Season 1 was genuinely one of my favorite seasons of television ever. I loved the dark tone it set. Then this season went and ruined that. It felt a lot more like Season 1 or 2 of Camp Cretaceous in tone than Chaos Theory. Which was definitely a let-down. In addition, it really felt like the events of this season could have been confined down into a few episodes. The content with Brooklynn was quite interesting and engaging, but all the parts with the Camp Fan in Africa were really dragged out. Essentially half of the season was just them on a river. Where are the stakes? Where’s the interesting content Season 1 set up?

But, putting all that aside, there are some genuinely enjoyable elements in the season. Of course, the standout was the episodes where we followed Brooklynn. I loved seeing what happened to her after the Allosaurus attack. It’s definitely interesting to find out that her arm was injured by a raptor, not the Allosaurus. That definitely makes more sense. The Allosaurus’s jaws would have killed her, not just ripped off her arm. It was also nice to find out who The Broker is. I think a lot of people predicted Santos, so I wasn’t too surprised. I honestly had forgotten who she was, though…Dominion definitely didn’t cause her to leave much of an impression. But I quite liked her in Chaos Theory.

What they’re setting up with the conflict between Brooklynn and the rest of the Camp Fam is great. This season really did feel like it was setting up a much bigger and more interesting plot later, which caused this content to feel kind of empty. But oh well. Seeing Brooklynn as an anti-hero is so fun. And of course the Camp Fam doesn’t know that, they genuinely think she’s working with the Broker. That’s great. I do love a great misunderstanding. I also want to see the consequences of Ben lying. It might be that the others never fully trust him again, or at least for a while. I wonder if they’ll have a plotline where Ben learns something important but the others don’t fully trust him or something like that. That would be really interesting.

One of the best and most intriguing parts of the season was Kenji. Chaos Theory Season 1 managed to move Kenji from my least favorite of the Camp Fam to my favorite. And Season 2 continues his great characterization. Specifically, the impacts of his father’s death. Because it genuinely seems like Kenji is suicidal. If not actively so, at least he has a great disregard for staying alive. Kenji was constantly putting himself into danger and being incredibly reckless during this season. Running into fire, jumping off the boat, putting his hand into the mouth of a hippo, trying to fight dinosaurs, and much more. He’s actively and purposely putting himself into danger when he really doesn’t need to. It’s clear he doesn’t care whether he lives or dies. And that conversation he had with Ben definitely raised alarms. I can’t remember his exact words, but he said something like “If somebody else close to me dies, I won’t be able to take it anymore.” That’s definitely a very suicidal statement. Now, of course this is a kids show. So I have no clue where they’re taking this or if they’ll even address it. But I’m excited to see.

Moving on to a lighter topic, let’s discuss ships! Yasammy is still going strong, and I love to see it. We never get enough lesbian relationships in media. As for Benji, which I also ship, we’re at least getting some crumbs. I have no expectations that this ship will ever become canon, but a girl can hope. And even just getting crumbs makes me happy. But that brings us to Dinostar, my absolutely favorite ship. I’ve shipped Brooklynn and Darius essentially since Camp Cretaceous Season 1. I always hated Brooklynn and Kenji, as it felt unnecessary and like it came out of nowhere. I was practically giddy when we found out Darius was in love with Brooklynn in Chaos Theory Season 1. At that time, it sounded like Darius had purposely confessed and Brooklynn had declined. Now we know that the confession was an accident, and Brooklynn’s denial wasn’t as clear cut as we thought. She just said she wasn’t ready, and wasn’t able to get any other words in before Darius left in a panic. Does this mean Dinostar will get together? Who knows. But I have hope.

Overall, this season wasn’t as good as I hoped or expected. But I still enjoyed it. And what it’s setting up for future seasons is definitely great. I think this season was clearly meant to be filler, and that’s okay. I trust that the writers will deliver us a great Season 3, and more seasons after that. But all of this is just my two cents. Thanks for reading.

[scraplette]

This is random but I noticed you mention you were a big Rung/Skids shipper and I'm curious about something. I wasn't active in the fandom where MTMTE/LL were coming out and I feel like I missed huge discourse or something, because I'm really confused about why I have always seen Rung/Fort Max and Rung/Whirl and MegaRung everywhere but nobody seems to ship Rung with the guy he was super close with from the beginning and committed suicide thinking about and coughed up crystals over? I know it's not because it's wrong for therapists and patients to date because all of those people were Rung's patients. Do you know why this is?

Hello there! Sorry for the late response, I wanted to do this on desktop and just hadn't found the time.

You've sent a really interesting question but, I'm sorry, I'm not sure I have an answer for you. Heck, even at the time the comics were coming out I was always surprised by the lack of content for the ship. There was some discourse about Rung dating paitents but, funnily enough, Skids was never really a part of it. He wasn't really considered by the fandom as one of Rung's paitents so it wasn't an issue. The storyarc we the readers found out that Rung was treating Skids, was also the same arc where Rung quit. You did have some folks producing some excellent content for it(@littlestowl is still hands down my fave writer for this pair and @herzspalter did some hecking good fanart!) but never to the same extent as other ships. Not gonna blame people for that, we all have our preferences! Live and let ship and all that! So, since I had no anwers of my own I decided to counsult THE COUNCI(my friends who like Transformers) for their opinions and they came up with the excellent points. We even gathered DATA(we looked at Ao3 XD) Nothing definitive, of course, because obviously we're just a group of robot fans and can't speak for every TF fan on the net. These are just our thoughts and general vibes. 1) Rung is just so darn shippable. He potentially works well with a lot of characters and was pulled in lots of diff directions. Speaking as the main Rung/Skids shipper of the group I sort of get this(stupid sexy Rung) but even with all the diff ships sailing Rung/Skids still seemed oddly small in comparsion. 2)Another friend brought up a good point, Rung/Skids are a lovely ship but they're very wholesome and nice. Now, there is nothing wrong with that but you can't deny that spicy ships oozing with, as they put it, DRAMA just get folks excited. Lots of the other ships had this in spades. 3) Another friend had a lovely thought to add to this and I agree with it 100%. I'm just going to quote them directly "Which is kinda a shame because they have other kinds of cool drama - Rung basically compromised his position for Skids! Skids revived Rung's memory! The non-goodbye! But not conflict -drama." 4)Perhaps the venn diagram of Skids fan and Rungs fans didn't neccisarily crossover. Looking at the DATA, we can see that the most popular ships for Skids(in order) were SkidsSwerve, SkidsGetaway, and SkidsRung. I'm not sure if the Getaway fics were written pre or post betrayl.

5) Not really important but something I thought was a cool detail. Rung/Skids was really popular in the Japanese side of the fandom. I even own a physical doujin anthology for the pair! I can't remember any names of the top of my head, it's been years, but there were lots of lovely pieces of Rung/Skids fanart on the JP art sites.

I'm always a little sad about Rung/Skids. I always thought here were always lots of hooks throughtout the story that could lead the pair to more. Lots of little quiet personal moments just for the two of them. Like, Skids defending Rung against Getaway's snide comments. Ratchet sending Skids to Rung because he things the little chap is lonely. That final weirdly tense exchange between them will always sit a bit oddly with me. I know at the time there was a theory that Skids might've been into Nuatica at the time but nothing seemed to come of it, so I geuss we'll never know. I think I remember reading that Alex Milne didn't realise that would be their last interaction together, otherise he would've done the panel differently* Thank you for your ask! It was lovely to look back on old fandom memories ^_^ I hope I gave you some insights. As for myself, I'm hoping to get back into fic writing so no doubt I'll be adding to my collection of Rung/Skids drabbles.

*IMPORTANT UPDATE EDIT THING! I couldn't drop the final goodbye between them and the Alex Milne thing(it was nearly a decade ago so I was worried I'd misremembered) so I hunted down the original tweet and I've misremembered!

Sigh, what a shame that the final on-page interaction of my fave ship is forever off key and weird because of Writer/Artist miscomunucation :<

[pixelatedraindrops]

RAINCODE SICKFIC FINALE (SPOILERS)

My awaited finale to my RainCode Sickfics of the Heart Series is finally done at last!! This took me a couple of months to put together but I figured since I mentioned it months before and delayed it, I had to get it done as my next project. It's the MakoYuma sickfic where Yuma takes care of a seriously ill Makoto.

This fanfic is officially my longest RainCode fic to date, even beating HIWTHI's word length, so make sure to read it only if you have time! It's the final sequel to that fic as well.

Be Warned: This fic is on the angsty/extreme side with a few trigger warnings. Such as Vomiting, Psychological Trauma and Implied Suicide. Please take caution/care if you read!

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Also yes! This is the second commission I received from FTAngel! (if I'm gonna commission someone for official looking work, then I'll ask for both my targets getting cared for hehe :3) This illustrates a scene toward the end of Chapter 7 (the fic will feature it as well)

There are actually a few people I'd like to shout out/credit for this fanfic's creation. So thank you all for unknowingly inspiring me ^-^

@gardenofskeletonss

Your art and thoughts of Makoto's past as a test subject were very helpful fodder to make this fic super angsty and tie to how much this poor thing has likely suffered. Helped me write down some good dialogue for the hallucinations and freakouts in the delirium stage. So Thank you for that!

@alfiely-art

Your small fic where Makoto age regresses when he got stressed gave me some good thoughts for writing Makoto's delirious behavior. Although I'm not a huge fan of age regression, reducing Makoto to a vulnerable and needy child-like state when super ill was a lot of fun! I love the idea of him being reduced to that since he never could be a child (and he is 3 freaking years old lmao)

@shiut

Those sprite edits you made really fueled my juices to continue wiring this fic. Having a picture in my head of what a vulnerable Makoto looked like was such an inspiration boost so thank you for taking the time to make those edits! I hope you don't mind me using some of them in the fic's 5th Chapter. Also your theory and thoughts of homunculi not being able to die from illness was briefly mentioned as well.

@draconicsparkle

Thank you for being my beta reader. I usually don't trust others to read my work but given how well your reading does with the community and in general, as well as you being a Makoto superfan, your encouragement really helped me feel more confident in continuing and getting this done. Thank you so much again.

With that out of the way, I hope you all enjoy the story!! I will still write more sickfics for RainCode, but this is the final one that I consider to be canon/post canon.

So I hope it delivers well!

Eat up RainCode and MakoYuma fans!

Hope the meal is to your liking~ ^-^ ♡