#shut the FUCK up about religious freedom if what that means to you is the freedom to trample EVERYONES rights with your religion

[timeisacephalopod]

It is absolutely wild to me that America is having a groomer panic when the supreme court basically just told Mormons they can diddle children and not report it because "religious freedom" and I'm really starting to wonder when this "religious freedom" stops if not reporting literally the worst crime you can commit is fine under the guise of God. Perhaps these people would be fine with a father murdering his daughter because she had premarital sex and that brought dishonor on the family, or are they against that only because they associate so called "honor killings" with Muslims? Because the way it's going they are ONE stop away from genuinely arguing this with the way they've allowed religion to shit all over everyone else's rights by holding the feelings of Christians above literally everything else, including CSA victims. Religious freedom is not the right to take away everyone else's rights regardless of what a Certain Brand of Christian thinks. Especially when the only religion that gets this freedom in the US (and Canada) is Christianity.

Like don't panic about groomers if you're going to make it legal for Mormons to rape children and do nothing about it, and instead of calling trans people pedos come out and saw what you mean because I'm tired of the political right couching everything they say in coded fucking language so they can hide their actual intentions. If you need to do this much subterfuge to hide your political goals you damn well KNOW your ideas are unpopular and fucked up I wish these people were even a quarter as oppressed as they think they are because then we'd actually start violently and virulently questioning literally everything about everything whenever a republican or a conservative opened their fucking face instead of only doing that to people we don't like while accepting whatever horse shit falls out of the political rights ass no matter how ridiculous or who gets hurt, children they want to "save" so bad included.

[noonesgaylikegatson]

Here's the thing: Republicans are the party of the rich, but policies that help the rich fuck everyone else up, so they are inherently unpopular. Republicans hitch their wagons to white supremacists and religious fanatics who will gladly vote for them in hopes of bringing their own agenda. Rich people believe that their money is able to keep them unaffected by their social policies that harm mostly minorities.

Present day: Religious Fanatics and White Supremacists have gone too far. Their plans are so corrosive that they will actually affect the rich; Not to mention, there are a lot of nouveau rich who are also these fanatics.

So now, these rich people, "never-trumpers" want to join the democratic party and make it into a party for them. They are anti-progressive because they don't want to pay more taxes and they don't want more regulations. They want a milquetoast white democrat leader, and not one like Joe Biden who has embraced progressive policies and is now further left than 2008.

They don't want Kamala or Pete Buttigieg or Corey Booker or that skater boi from texas. They were to the left of Biden when they ran in the 2019 primary. They want someone to the right of Biden. A more corporate friendly democrat.

And keep in mind, these republicans have always been racist. And have always been white supremacist for them. This departure from the republican party is not a moral one. It's because the oppression that these Trump Republicans want isn't profitable.

These republicans were fine with rounding up Black people on bullshit charges and sending them to prison to do make them money on prison labor. (Biden ended the use of private prisons on a Federal Level fyi). They're not fine with rounding up 20 million undocumented people and putting them in internment camps and deporting them, that would cost so much money that would be better spent giving to them via tax cuts. (I bet you they'll get on board when someone touts the idea of using the undocumented people for unpaid labor)

They're okay with banning abortions or just limiting. They're not okay with stripping all of woman's freedoms (because many of them are women and like to spend the money they have) because women going back into the homes, means the spending power of the economy shrinks.

Less Women and Men of color going to college means less student loan payments. Not to mention, the policies that Trump will enact with Project 2025, would just wreck the economy. Government workers would lose their jobs. Facilities and infrastructure would crumble. The middle class would all but disappear, the gap between the poor and rich would grow, to the point where there is just no more money to extract from anyone in the lower classes. The money would have to come from them.

If trump gets in office by 2028 there will be so many evictions, its impossible to keep up. The rich would have to bribe police officers (made legal by the supreme court btw) to get people evicted. Not all rich people are rich equally. Those who can afford to bribe will be new upper class, those who can't will be suckers.

FDIC will be gone. So imagine you're one of those rich suckers, and the bank you have your money goes belly up cause the new upper class used it to fund their next yacht?

You can't be a tech mogul in a country with poor infrastructure. All that AI requires massive amount of electricity. How can you have any developments if your company shuts off the power every few weeks and there is no policy in place to keep it going, to fix it. Look at texas? Every hurricane gets rid of the power for weeks. Imagine when Project 2025 gets in and there really is no regulation at all.

What is the point of all this? Biden is the correct choice. He is the incumbent, he won the primary, and the election is less than four months away. This talk about replacing him is a bunch of rich assholes trying to take over the democratic party and making it into the new republican party. The literal worst night mare: socially liberal, financially conservative. They are antagonist towards the democrat's base: Black voters, because black voting population support centralized government, regulations, higher taxes, and a robust social safety network (because its literally the best way to govern)

Focus on getting people to vote for Biden or just not vote for Trump.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

Religion is a mental illness?! For fuck’s sake, let people believe whatever they want to. I believe in God. You don’t. That’s perfectly fine. Stop being so rude about it.

Schizophrenia is a mental illness?! For fuck's sake, let people with a distorted, delusional view of the world believe what they want to and influence society. I believe in a cabal of walruses who monitor me through my microwave. You don't. That's perfectly fine. Stop being so rude about it.

"Faith is a belief without evidence and reason; coincidentally that's also the definition of delusion." -- Richard Dawkins

That's quite pithy, but it's also accurate. Here is the dictionary definition for "faith" in the religious sense:

faith | fāTH | noun strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof

Here is the definition for "delusion" in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders:

“delusion A false belief based on incorrect inference about external reality that is firmly held despite what almost everyone else believes and despite what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious proof or evidence to the contrary.”

Among the subtypes is:

“grandiose A delusion of inflated worth, power, knowledge, identity, or special relationship to a deity or famous person.”

Such as a "personal relationship with god/Jesus." Now, they cowardly go on to couch that in an unjustified exception:

“The belief is not ordinarily accepted by other members of the person’s culture or subculture (i.e., it is not an article of religious faith).”

Except, whether a belief is generally accepted or popular doesn't actually make a false belief true. This is a fallacy called Special Pleading.

You're allowed to believe in your god. People are allowed to be wrong, mistaken or simply not care what's true.

But I don't have to facilitate or enable that delusion, mistake or disregard, or play along with it. We don't live in the Dark Ages anymore when people like you called the authorities to have people like me arrested, tortured and put to death. I don't have to shut up to protect you or others like you from figuring out it's all nonsense.

Because I'm allowed to notice and point out that your beliefs are ridiculous, and are a delusion based on many things including ignorance, superstition, fear, childhood indoctrination, social pressure, primitive magical thinking and emotional reasoning, and that believing there's a magical space wizard monitoring whether you're naughty or nice, for which there is literally no verifiable evidence, is exactly the same as believing in a cabal of eavesdropping walruses, for which there is exactly as much verifiable evidence. You might not like that, but it doesn't mean it isn't true. (If you had evidence, you wouldn't need faith, would you?)

Don't like it? Keep scrolling or block me. You've had the power to resolve your discomfort all by yourself this whole time, without involving me at all, instead of making your emotional wellbeing my responsibility.

"You've always had the power to go back to Kansas." -- Glinda, the Witch of the North

My blog is for my thoughts, not yours. I don't demand you reconfigure your blog to suit me, yet you demand I comply with your sensibilities. You demand I allow your freedom of belief, which I do, but doesn't mean your beliefs aren't open to scrutiny and criticism, while you overtly deny mine.

That's like going into a town square, seeing a big noticeboard, and there's a notice, 'Guitar Lessons,' and you go... "BUT I DON'T FUCKING WANT GUITAR LESSONS!!" -- Ricky Gervais

You're arrogant and out of your lane. Get yourself back in order. You think my blog is "rude"? You ain't seen nothing yet. Next time I won't be this pleasant.

[fights4users]

The MCP | Power, corruption and what Freedom means in a computer system

This is a combination of what was initially two separate essays. The first part is going to be diving into how programs see freedom and the second part is going to go into the absolutely terrifying implications of the MCP from a in-system perspective. He’s a lot darker than what’s on the surface and it’s a shame this gets overlooked along with most of the movie because it’s a tad more optimistic in tone.

Freedom in subservience-

Programs exist to serve their function. They “just keep doin' what it looks like what you're supposed to be doin', no matter how crazy it seems.” Living, working, communicating for the users in a way that we as humans would see as Subservient or cruel. To a program being used, being useful is Freedom. To not work is to die. If you were created for the soul purpose of a task and then one day couldn’t do it anymore the blow would be devastating. The way Ram speaks with so much pride about his work and how much he misses it. The way it breaks Crom In the novelization when the guards don’t believe in the users.

“All programs have a desire to be useful, but in moments you will no longer seek communication with eachother or your superpfolus users…”

The MCP says it outright that they’re basically hardwired to want to be useful and do their best. And within the religious system they don’t see Users as these cruel gods but more of a partnership. They aren’t aware we dont know their alive, their communication with us is far more complex and symbolic than our communication with them. In the real world there’s a few words in a screen but in theirs they’ll get a detailed talk with their user, even if it’s a bit one sided. (Example being how trons ecstatic to talk with Alan and is all ‘im here yippee!’ But Alan never responds to anything he says). It’s a complex society with a social structure and religious system and customs! Dumont’s speech and how Tron and Yori bow their heads as he gives it. There’s so much good- just religious allegory and system stuff in general that I’d love to dig into if there was time and it’s such a shame it’s not in more Tron media post 82’.

“This code disc means freedom”

Let’s return to “to not work is to die” shall we? This is a civilization built around communication with the users and each other. A society built around fulfilling your purpose. What’s that look like when it’s taken away? This is a system where all functions are stripped from everyday programs and now are preformed by the MCP now what? If you aren’t dead you’re apart of the red elite severed from the users where your only real task is to protect it and eliminate believers— sure there’s power but that’s not very fulfilling once nothing else is left, is it?

Superior life form/ MCP’s lesser spoken on crimes-

Have you ever taken a second and really thought about the end goal of the master control program? He wants absolute power and his way of getting that is by being the only Program/AI- becoming a User within itself. It absorbs or eliminates. Ram explained it perfectly but no one listened “If he thinks you’re useful he takes over all your functions so he gets bigger, and if he can’t use you he sends you down here to the game grid to get the bits blasted out of you.” The  identity discs are a great control method but also useful- they don’t need a body just the disc. In the end he gets your functions regardless. It doesn’t matter if you hold onto your beliefs or not, you will become a part of him in the end.

Here’s just a collection of things the MCP has done that make it absolutely terrifying and all the more pressing why Tron had to win:

The super computer hivemind end goal. Seriously absorbing programs and picking them apart for what’s “useful” is fucked up.

Religious persecution/severing people from pivotal aspect of their existence but shutting down communication.

Mass Kidnapping

Military sabotage/attempted world domination

Systematic execution -> let’s be real the MCP had enough power and programs behind him at this point he likely could’ve just derezzed or absorbed user believers but this is more fun and efficient.

Identity discs (see above)

Implied restriction on circuitry. The Red v blue, there’s a Implication there colors were changed to make both groups easier to identify as well as a restriction on how one looks regardless. Like forced uniform v true form thing

Canonical lack of privacy, street and air patrolling , no doors

Draining cities of energy, cutting them off to die. This is where Yori was found one of the cities that will eventually just- derezz or be taken over. They’re running on fumes and down to base functions (automation, no life/personality speaking in numbers etc.)

Keeping select few around as zombies to run things it can’t yet. This would also play into the hivemind thing where the end goal is to run it on his own or take them over puppet style.

Keeping a few chosen warriors that you know he’s going to get rid of the moment he wins. That deception and turning on your own people all for power and safety that it let them believe in that was never there

Having his lead officer addicted and souly reliant on the excess power given to him. The only reason he doesn’t immediently derez after Tron’s hit is because of how much is pumped into him.

[ceo-of-stealing-ur-fucking-teeth]

Nothing, and I mean nothing, has been frustrating me more than when I criticize multiple political groups for being shitty, but I’m more critical of one group than the other, and some fucking loser shows up and is just like “blah blah blah, this person on the other side did this bad thing.”

Like yeah bitch, I said I don’t like them. Do you know who I dislike more? The group of people who audibly and openly don’t want me and people like me to be ourselves, who support genocide, want to shove their religious ‘moral values’ down ours and the rest of the worlds throats, and deny their complicity in bloodshed both at home and across the sea while actively criticizing and dehumanizing the people they’re hurting

“Well the other side does that too.” Yup, yup they do. But y’know, they still tend to at least try and pretend that they’re not fucking awful people. And that’s not to minimize the fact that they do, in fact, hold a diet version of those Facist, imperialist ideals, and how harmful they are. They’re just as complicit in these issues.

“But blah blah blah, devils advocate, blah blah blah conspiracy i read on Facebook.” Shut. Up. The only freedom and safety you care about is your own. You don’t care about women, you don’t care about children, you don’t care about LGBTQ people, you don’t care about POC and you *especially* don’t care about any of those people if they’re from a country that isn’t your own. I don’t want to vote for any of the assholes I have as an option personally, but if I have to choose between a Facist or a useless smiling ineffectual liberal captalist, at least with the liberal we can still buy time to try and fix something. It won’t be great but it’s something.

And the fact that you get dog piled for not picking a side. How the fuck are you supposed to pick a side when *none of them represent you*???? I don’t vote the way I do because I like the people I’m voting for. I’m making a decision between a rock and a hard place. I don’t feel any particular loyalty to these people. To paraphrase one of my favourite tumblr posts, I’d sell their souls for a corn chip, and then not eat it.

I’m so fucking tired of it. I’m not even American, but this right wing bullshit is leaking in over the border into my province and it’s becoming increasingly clear that any safety there might have been for any oppressed group here is becoming shaky. How the United States Election goes will effect not just the United States and that infuriates me.

And the worst part is, that no matter what we do, Israel will continue its destruction and murder of Palestinians and now Lebanese people with tools given to them by the West (mostly America but almost everyone else is complicit, I don’t care what you say, they had decades of warning signs, they just didn’t care until social media started narcing on them).

I’m ranting, I know, but I’m so fucking tired and done with this shit. Fuck all of these mainstream parties, but some more than others. And fuck the little “But what about this thing the other party did” guys, I’d tell you to go apologize to the tree who’s oxygen you’re wasting but one of the companies you bootlick for is probably bulldozing it to make a warehouse or something.

Make sure you’re registered to vote.

[elven-writing]

Pinned Post!

Here's all the information you'll need to navigate my dumpster fire of a blog! This post is pretty long, sorry!

Created: 12/03/2022

Last Updated: 02/08/2024

DNI (turned out longer than I expected, I may have over-explained. Oh well):

Bigots of any kind (bigotry towards terfs is okay because honestly fuck them.) THIS INCLUDES: Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia, any kind of hatred AT ALL towards ANY group within the LGBTQ+ community, Nazism, Anti-Semitism, Racism, Sexism, Ableism, Ageism, Xenophobia, Islamophobia, etc.

Any one under the age of 13. If you're under 13, you really shouldn't be on tumblr, but I can't control people's kids, so idc. If I find out you're under 13 and interacting with my blog, I will block you at bare minimum until you're 14.

NSFW blogs. While I say my blog is recommended for 16+, that does NOT mean I allow NSFW content of ANY KIND. My blog is 16+ for LANGUAGE and OCCASIONAL MATURE THEMES, not for NSFW content. (This was a lie, I'm a liar, there will be occasional hornyposts)

Assholes. I get that everyone has their own opinion, but if you start harassing me or any of my mutuals/followers, you WILL be blocked immediately. I may be a bit of an asshole sometimes, but I don't go out of my way to attack people for no reason. I will uphold everyone else around these parts to the same standards.

Trumpies/MAGAs/Far-right Conservatives. I'm all for political freedom, but I don't want any of those kinds around for safety and personal reasons. Also, refer to Bullet Point Number Four for further information on why I don't want Trumpies around here.

Religious nuts. Practice your religion however you please, I'm all for it. If you want, you can POLITELY educate me and anyone else who is okay with it about your religion. I'm taking a World Religions class and am very open to learning about other peoples' faiths. HOWEVER, if somebody says to shut up about religion, SHUT UP ABOUT RELIGION. If your only purpose is to tell people about "The Word of God" or whatever, GTFO. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, use religion as a tool for hate, or use someone else's religion as a tool for hatred.

People who can't take a joke. I (and many others on this site) am a sarcastic sunnuvabitch, and cannot take time to account for EVERYONE'S feelings towards EVERY subject. I will do my best to use tone indicators (I forget sometimes) but do not get md if I don't. If it bothers you, leave. If I say something that offends you, let me know in my DMs and I'll work it out with you as best I can.

About me:

My name is Ozzie, I'm 18 years old, and I use He/They or E/Em pronouns. I'm still figuring out my gender identity, so I use the term transmasc for now. I'm demiromantic and bisexual. I am in a polyamorous relationship with my partners who I am absolutely enamored with and cannot shut up about. I have ADHD, MDD, and ASD. I also have uncontrollable tics (most likely caused by medications I was taking) but that doesn't really affect stuff online. I like dad jokes, animals (if you have pictures or facts about animals, I'd love to hear them!), art, music, and writing. I'm into video games like Minecraft, Pokemon, Animal Crossing, and some others I can't think of right now (mainly open-world, chill games.) My favorite movie is The Princess Bride (shut up, it's a classic) and I love horror movies.

What to expect:

I have absolutely no idea. Hope for the best, expect the worst, I guess. Seriously though, most of this blog is me saying dumb shit, me reblogging other people's art and absolutely going apeshit over how amazing it is, and me reblogging random shit I see because I have no shame. Probably a lot of Skeleton War nonsense, because fuck you, that's why. Also Goncharov. Lots of Goncharov.

Have fun suffering, my fellow losers!

-Ozzie <3

[ironkowboy]

Well folks, I have kept my mouth shut over most stuff while plugged in with many of you, reblogging things that touch on where I am at, and that I feel strongly about.

This little rant will probably hack some of you off. Too bad. I am not here to pat you on your back like the obsequious fucks that are all around. I speak as I see it.

I was raised in a household of a well-educated married couple, and indirectly taught to look at everything through a lense of fact-based evidence. If the evidence didn't fit my ideas, I changed my mind, NOT the evidence.

Feelings ain't facts.

This has led to division here and there, I have made and lost friends over the years due to my refusal to accept delusion as truth. Again, too bad.

My little crew and I are muddling along, day by day, and doing the best we can. Ours is a biracial relationship; I fell in love with her because of who she is, not because her skin is the same color as coffee with a little cream.

We hold no hatred towards any skin color. We hold no distaste or hatred towards same-sex attracted people. We aren't bound by religious "norms". We both have gay friends whom we hold dear in our hearts.

What we do NOT have is any patience or tolerance for mentally ill people who convince children that they can be something that they are not, from their DNA outwards, by mutilating and medicating themselves. We choose not to participate! If you are an ADULT, that's your thing, well, have at; don't expect me to pay for it or pretend. Ain't happening. Otherwise, live your life as you choose. But, here is your reality: keep trying to convince mentally and emotionally vulnerable children that destroying themselves will remake them into something YOU think they should be, and it won't end well.

You have managed to pull it off with some of my family. Because I value my freedom and ability to voice my opinions, I will not act on the anger in ways that would endanger that. I will speak as I see it.

My gay friends are horrified and in fear of the backlash you are creating, and rightly so. We all have enough trouble with the religious nutcases in the world, and you twisted fucks are winding them up by insisting on getting in the faces of their kids. I don't blame them; does the word "pogrom" have any meaning for you? Look it up! Because my dear friends will be swept away by that madness as well.

That backlash is on you delusional people, and your enablers. May the Old Ones, and Karma, give you exactly what you deserve. As for you people in the medical field who push this, because there is money to be made behind it, that goes double.

[automatismoateo]

I'm tired of staying quiet via /r/atheism

I'm tired of staying quiet

Throaway account--

Tl;dr: We need to stop being passive, and start calling religious people out on being horrible human beings.

So, for many different reasons, I am a member of the US Military. Mostly, it's due to personal reasons. Now, I definitely don't live and die military. Or white and blue, for that matter.

If you are not aware of it, the military tries to accept and protect all religions or lack thereof, but it is inherently Christian. Most chaplains you meet are Christians or were raised Christians. A lot of upper leadership, you guessed it, are Christians, because they're old and that's how they grew up.

This isn't inherently an issue, but it can be, especially if left uncontrolled.

Now, this post isn't just about the military aspect of it. In fact, I am making this post to hopefully help you build some courage to stand up for others, even at the cost of your own comfort. Keep it in mind, however, that there are many layers to this post, so I understand you may disagree with some of my points.

Now, to the story:

My immediate shop "leader" is a Christian, with a big C. He loves and dies Jesus, and goes to Church every Sunday. To no one's surprise, he is also extremely conservative. Loves guns, loves big T, big DeS, loves his submissive wife, loves low corporate taxes, loves poor people, loves the uneducated, loves people without melanin on their skin, hates homeless veterans, the whole thing.

In the past, he has gotten in trouble for saying the big no-nos out loud: Being openly racist, homophobic, antisemitic, etc.. He shut his mouth for a little while, but like any other true Christian, he felt like he can't be silenced and his true colors just NEED to show. He's now back to saying anything that's on his mind, as long as he feels like he's with his safe group. Sometimes he lets it slip, though.

Being in the Military, we are obviously known to curse a lot. We curse, we say stupid shit, we talk about controversial topics, etc.. It's all obviously unprofessional, but they can't fire us, so who cares, right? On the flip side, since they can't fire you, some people think they can just openly be the same shitty fucking person they are at home, at work.

If that happens, there are one of two things we usually do when this comes from those above us. 1) Shut up and pretend to be on their side so we don't get fucked over or 2) Report the actions to the inspector general (not to management, because they'll likely just slap them on the wrist and tell them to not do it again). The problem is, the IG isn't as helpful as you'd think, because mission takes precedence a lot of times.

So you're essentially left with option #1, since you don't want to be any more miserable at work than you already are.

Except that, you know, this shit has been going too far for far too long.

Not just in the Military, but outside even. For too long, these Christians have been allowed to roam the country and spout the most racist and homophobic shit with no consequences because they know no one will do anything. They'll take your freedom because it doesn't align with their vision of what freedom is. They'll take away your books because it makes them look bad. They'll take your children from you, because you are in love with the wrong person.

For too long, they have been allowed in positions of power, making the lives of anyone with opposing views miserable.

So, for my own mental health, I have decided I need to speak up, even if it'll get me in trouble. At work, I have started calling my superior out on his bullshit Christian values in front of others. Any comment he makes that is out of line, I'll tell him how "that's not very Christian of you." Hates homeless veterans? "Wow, what would God say about helping others?" "Loves that Mexicans are being shipped to Brandon's house?" Yep, what good morals you have!

Once in a while, he'll feign ignorance and ask me what I mean. I grew up Catholic, so I'll tell him that I don't remember being taught to be so ignorant, so selfish, and just overall a bad person.

Overall, I am just trying to make people realize how fucking disgusting he is. For a long time, I used to think that "whatever bad values you have, just leave them at home." I have come to realize that is wrong, too. No, don't leave that shit at home. Don't go home to beat your wife because she didn't make dinner, or your kids because they talked back. That is exactly what this country has done for the last few decades, and it has all come to bite us in the ass.

For too long we have kept quiet. We have let people pass on these horrible traits to their children. Their children grew up thinking that diversity is bad, that God is the only thing that matters and any opposition is inherently wrong. They grew up being told that a woman's place is in the kitchen, that black people are inferior, that poor people don't deserve to be helped. They grew up knowing only Christian hatred, and they're becoming loud once again.

Here is how I see it: the people who are supposed to be there to help you, guide you, bring you the "love of God," are the most judgemental, pieces of shit human beings I have ever met. They'd rather let you rot in misery before helping you. I'm not talking about giving you money in the time of need, or a bed during a cold night out. I'm talking about helping society become better for everyone, not just the people they deem worthy.

They will tell you in your face that rape is justified, that only their definition of love is what matters, that kids deserve to die of cancer because "God works in mysterious ways." They'll spit you in the face and tell you it's your fault. They'll do this with no remorse, because they know that on Sunday someone will tell them that they did God's work.

These people have roamed free of consequences for far too long, and they've gotten too comfortable. They deserve to know when they're out of line, and we clearly we need to remind them of it.

Please, do your neighbor, your friend, your family member, and do society a favor: don't stay quiet anymore. Don't expect to change these people minds, but let's aim to influence those arounds us.

Let's be the change that needs to be made, one voice at a time.

Submitted March 05, 2023 at 06:25PM by religionequashatred (From Reddit https://ift.tt/K7UAnos)

[v4guelyv4mpiric]

no. this is so disrespectful.

all demons and angels are nonbinary in canon.

Beelzebub is nonbinary. they are not a woman and are referred to with they/them on screen. Gabriel is not a man.

Aziraphale isnt "gay man coded" because he was called a fag. im not getting into 'slur discorse' but every member of the queer community can and probably have been called that. that means nothing. He is also nonbinary.

Gabriel and Beelzebub are a gay, queer couple. they got their freedom! they have each other! that was the visualization that Crowley needed to see. he needed to see that the relationship he wanted to have with Aziraphale was possible.

if you want to claim Beelzebub as "woman coded" or whatever excuse you have, fucking shut up. thats not what its about. you missed the point.

Good Omens has never once portrayed queer relationships as "other" the whole show. why would that be coded in?

the ending was Aziraphale's choice and clearly showing how he just wants everything to be better but knows that it cant. its religious trauma. crawling back to heaven under false hope of change. Heaven never changes. thats the point.

I’ve seen people be very frustrated at the het relationship of Gabriel/Beezlebub working out but not the two gay ships (Nina/Maggie and Aziraphale/Crowley,) but honestly, I’m pretty sure that’s the point

(Yes I know canonically the angels/demons are all nonbinary, but I’m talking about how the relationships are coded and appear to the human world, cool? Cool.)

Of course the relationship where they have the freedom to walk away with no consequences or guilt would work out. Of course “love conquers all” when you haven’t had to hide it for your safety. You should be frustrated that Gabriel and Beezlebub can live the life and love Aziraphale and Crowley never can

Regardless of all the rainbow advertising and pandering to the queer community, the world still by and large despises us. Sure, Aziraphale is canonically nonbinary, but he gets called a fag nonetheless

The ineffable bureaucracy ship is a bait-and-switch meant to remind you that if you’re gay, you’ll never have that freedom. The people who mindlessly “uwu so cute why can’t Aziraphale and Crowley do the same haha they’re dumb??” just don’t get it

[rottingcompost]

The 11th of september is coming up soon

Which means that the swedish elections are very soon. If you are over 18 and eligible to vote, PLEASE DO. I know most people in tumblr are leftist, and that goes for the swedish userbase as well, and I want to remind you how important it is to vote!

Right now the Swedish Democrats, SD, are seeming more and more like a threat. They are far right, and were founded by literal nazis, and every now and then more info comes out about their members being racist, homophobic, transphobic, or generally shitty people. Letting them get any sort of political power is one of sweden's biggest mistakes, and at this point people need to work together to shut them out again. A huge part of their marketing online is FULL of racist ideas, like for example banning muslims from being able to shout their prayers out, which means they would be able to argue banning any sort of religious freedom, since they will be able to get that foot through the door. If they can ban something that is important to some people in one religion, they would be able to ban way more than just one part ofba religious practice.

The Christian Democrats, KD, are really not much better. Their party is also very right leaning, and their leader is generally shitty as fuck. She doesnt want the parties to actually get abortion rights into the swedish constitution, but instead wanted the parties to sign a contact that abortion rights werent going to be harmed during the next period, which yeah, is a good idea, but getting it into the constitution would help much more to preserve the abortion right. She ALSO recently stated that she wants the voting information to only be in swedish, but that she will include the minority languages as well, which is because LEGALLY YOU CANT EXCLUDE THEM FROM IMPORTANT LEGAL INFO. So for anyone who dont know what that means: she wants to make voting as inaccessible as she can for people who dont speak or read swedish or any of the minority languages.

We need to stand together and not let these two parties get more power than they already have. They wont fix anything. If anything they will make this country even worse.

Please, if you are someone who lives in sweden, go vote. Its really important. If you arent a person living in sweden or you're not a swedish resident, please share this post around. There's only two more days left.

[ms-demeanor]

My friend says not to vote in the upcoming election because our liberal establishment is no different from fascism and because Trump's policies are merely an extension of existing policies (like the ICE concentration camps that were established under Obama). How would you, being a leftist like me and my friend, respond to this attitude?

When I was in high school there was one cataclysmic, catastrophic, Very Important school board meeting.

It was a perfect storm of religious freedom, LGBT Rights, and Holy Shit You’re Talking About Taking Daycare Away from Students Who Are Parents.

The first thing, religious freedom, was exceptionally stupid but I think it’s a great example of how shitty the suburb I lived in was and what we were dealing with. Basically the D&D club that I started was accused of being Satanists and the Campus Christian Club was trying to get us shut down for worshipping satan. (I live in the fucking WORST part of LA County, I swear). The defense for the D&D club was pretty simple: If we’re worshipping satan as an on-campus activity at lunchtime we have every right to do so just like the Campus Christian Club an in fact if the Campus Christian Club got us shut down for practicing a different religion they’d made a very effective argument for shutting down their Praising Christ on-campus lunchtime activity.

The second thing was ANOTHER conflict with the Campus Christian Club - this was more serious. This was “High schoolers shouldn’t be exposed to deviant lifestyles and therefore we need to shut down the Gay/Straight Alliance.” At that point the GSA was also very new and I was also the VP of it. Spoilers: we were allowed to continue existing and we had speakers come in from time to time - we had grownups who talked to us about dealing with homophobia and resources for what happened if your parents kicked you out; we had a trans woman in her 50s come and talk to us (in 2003!) about transphobia and dysphoria and how to cope. The adviser handed out a packet to all of us that had the suicide hotline number right at the top, I know at least three people used that number the first year. The defense for the GSA was actually another handy-dandy page out of the ACLU handbook: The Campus Christian Club’s definition of deviance is something they have a right to hold but not to impose on other people - if you ban the GSA based on being ‘deviants’ you are imposing someone else’s belief system on us so knock it off unless you want to be a fun LA Times story.

The third thing didn’t have ANYTHING to do with the Campus Christian Club and was much worse because it had to do with funding and teen moms. The third thing was “The district believes it’s a waste of money to continue to pay for childcare at the district continuation school; if you can’t afford childcare you should have thought of that before becoming a teen mom, good luck getting a babysitter while you’re trying to finish high school.” Four of the students from the continuation school had showed up with their children and their defense of the daycare program was basically (and understandably) “What the fuck you fucking ghouls we just want to finish school and it’s one fucking daycare provider on campus you already have to pay the insurance for childcare providers for other schools in the district what the fucking fuck.”

The D&D Club, GSA, and Childcare for Teen Parents Program were all allowed to continue existing.

By one vote.

By someone who had recently been elected to the school board.

By four votes.

Four people went out and voted that November. Four people filled in a bubble on a ballot.

The GSA did fundraisers to pay for STI testing and suicide prevention. My friend Michelle graduated on time with her daughter waiting in the crowd. Knowing that adult trans people could survive and exist and thrive and love themselves was lifesaving information for a few kids in the GSA.

Four votes. If four people stayed home that’s a hundred fewer STI tests, that’s wondering if Michelle would ever be able to get a job when she didn’t have a diploma and couldn’t hire a babysitter. That’s three dead queer kids and another two homeless.

And it didn’t happen. Because four people filled in a couple of bubbles one night in November.

Voting is not activism but it is by no means useless. If your friend is incapable of distinguishing fascism and liberalism that sounds like a them problem and it sucks to be them; that amount of nihilism is hard to carry around.

People who criticize leftists for “electoral apologism” or whatever for voting are the “yet you participate in society, curious. I am very intelligent” comic

Yeah, the system’s shitty. Yeah, it sucks and should be overthrown. But it’s not overthrown YET so we may as well take advantage of the few areas of harm reduction the system allows. Voting doesn’t mean you STOP doing direct action or that you stop pushing for change, it just means you’re doing the single easiest real-world thing to alleviate suffering. And if it doesn’t work who gives a fuck - you did the bare minimum and it cost you a small amount of time.

Vote and then go hand out food in the park or cut the valve stems off a cop car if you’re feeling angsty about conceding to the system.

(also FUCK, you have no idea how much I hate having to defend the Obama administration but please go talk to a trans person about whether it is easier or harder to get healthcare in their state under Trump or under Obama. I fucking hate liberals but I don’t think that they’re actively interested in overturning Roe V. Wade. Fuck this political purity culture and go learn about harm reduction.)

[dreamstatesims]

anyone who has been following me for a while knows that i don't get into politics or drama of any kind. this is a sims blog, it's a place to post pics of my little pixel people and engage with others who enjoy the same hobby. that's why i don't usually get into deeper topics on here. i have these conversations in real life, with friends and strangers alike. tumblr isn't that place for me, and i'm comfortable with that. late last night i made a short text post saying "some folks on this server should live in cuba for 12 months, try it on for size, and lmk if you actually like what you're preaching." yes, implying that some of the comments/posts/dissertations i've seen on here lately skirt around if not entirely subscribe to communist ideology. as a first generation cuban-american, communism repulses me. it pains me on a visceral level because i'm taken back to all the firsthand accounts i've heard and images i've seen of the result of communism. and when i say firsthand accounts, i mean my father, grandparents, great-grandparents, and dozens of family members who have lived and suffered communism in cuba. that being said, my post on my blog was light in comparison to all the things i could have said and shown. yet, a former mutual decided this was the time and place to start an argument with me. i'm glad to have a debate with anyone on facts. however, what you don't get to do is tell me what communism is when you literally don't know a single person who lives or has lived under communism. what you don't get to do is mock me, call me "bestie" (lmao idk you bro), and act all holier than thou because your friend is studying economy in college. simply because real-world communism doesn't suit your narrative doesn't mean it's not communism. communism by any other name would still be just as deplorable, violent, corrosive, and unjust. the basis of your argument was the same argument we've all heard for the past 100 years. "communism isn't bad, it just hasn't been implemented correctly." to that, i say, how very fucking dare you. that's like saying slavery wasn't bad, it just wasn't implemented properly. it's like saying hitler's racial cleansing framework wasn't bad, it just wasn't implemented properly. it's like saying ukrainians don't know what war is because the russians haven't implemented it properly. again, how very fucking dare you. some might ask how i can compare cuba's situation to slavery, the holocaust, war. i get it, on the surface these things don't look the same. ask the cubans who work the fields but can't own them, make profit from them, or feed their families from them if that's slavery. ask the doctors who are forced to commit their lives to the government and sent abroad if they are medical slaves. ask the men, women, and children selling their bodies on the streets of havana if they are sex slaves. ask the religiously and politically persecuted prisoners serving in labor camps if they understand what communism is. ask the uyghurs in chinese concentration camps if they know. ask venezuelans and cubans who have been fighting their oppressors in the streets for years if they know what war and famine is. so the next time you try to spout your flawed and failed ideology from your ivory tower on your $1000 smartphone, listen and learn from people who have lived it first. or maybe just shut the fuck up because you actually have no idea what you're talking about. it's really easy to be a communist in a capitalist country while sipping your $8 frappawhateverthefuck and whitesplaining things on the internet on your macbook pro. on a final note: this is the first and last time you'll see this kind of discourse on my blog. if i lose followers over this, so be it because a bully will never silence and mock me. my freedom of speech is exactly why my family immigrated to this country.

[nerajaana]

Okay but why the fandom (you-know-who) is fucking obsessed with “good” victimhood ???

Fuck if i know, is it a case of white people white peopling? Or are these folks pushing some thinly veiled religious agenda of “the more you suffer, the greater you will be rewarded in life” bs? Feels like that lot never really grew past the “harry potter series is the greatest piece of literature” phase (before anyone starts frothing at their mouth because i’ve got Slytherin in my bio, lemme state that i am a fan, but that doesn’t mean i think that trash is the best shit since sliced bread or that the author deserves anything short of pure scorn)

Even the victimhood has to be of the right sort: enclosed within palatial spaces, living in luxury, upholding the status quo and class standards and looking as pretty as possible while drowning in their sorrows. The suffering of the commons? Irrelevant. Slavers are supposed to be innocent and slaves brainless because of fucking course they appreciate being slaves and if one master dies they would latch on to the other master i.e, dany. What would they know of freedom when they’d been enslaved for so long, amirite? Can’t fathom equality, oh no, that would so not make you an ideal ruler candidate! Ew, no, dragons are wmds, but yes give it to the poc!martells (in their pea brains, spicy whites equal to the brown people who celebrate hajj and diwali simultaneously uwu) and make the narrative ✨richer✨. They hate the character for the dumbest possible reasons in the history of mankind, but would apparently adore the fuck out of the said characters’ journeys had they been given to a kid with a fucking tan. They think Sansa suffered so much therefore she deserves to be the queen, and saying in the same fucking breath that Arya’s the one who’s too far gone since she’s seen so much and has gone through so much trauma. I wonder how on gods green earth they manage to walk and breath at the same time.

It’s bad enough the Martells suffered the way they did, and how they’re unfairly treated by the writer when compared to the Starks in spite of the similarities in their situations. But fuck no, let’s slap the “dornish are poc” and go on and on and on about imaginary crimes against the people of colour while praising Mirri Maz Dur to the heavens for killing off Dany’s clearly biracial child. Their vileness really knows no bounds. Up until i had read George R R Martin’s interviews where he specifically said that the Dornish, especially Martells, are based on Mediterranean (that too only southern europe, no matter how much the clowns like to say the Mediterranean includes even the Northern Africa and west asia- newsflash, it doesn’t, not according to the writer), I did believe they were people of colour. Dunno about them but i was fucking glad this isn’t yet another case of brown coded characters being victimized/fetishized. Fucking shut the fuck up about representation, this ain’t the place for it. GRRM fucked up plenty with the Dothraki and how the characters (for example, Jeyne Poole and Gilly) viewed Summer islanders. It’s getting exhausting. Who even gave white people the rights to talk about brown representation in a fantasy series written by a 70 something white bloke in the 90s?

[karanoid]

about top joe discord

LET ME ADDRESS A FEW POINTS:

There has been many fear and anxiety regardless the top!joe discord I made. I understand how it gives my discord a bad reputation. Somebody has kindly reached out to me to ask me addressing several points, which I’m now gonna clarify:

1. I am racist, I asked why, and they said mostly because of my dismissive behavior to people who called me out for drawing yusuf adorned in gold jewelry which made their friends feel unsafe. So, I am a muslim and was raised in a muslim household and community. I am fucking brown.

I didn’t say it because you don’t need to know that about me. What bothers me is how some people feel the need to come to my inbox informing me “maam yusuf is a religious muslim who prays 5 times a day and do all the supplementary prayers all while he drinks alcohol and fuck nicky in the dailies, he wouldnt be wearing gold maam no maam.” as if I didn’t know any better. so please, now don’t do that. If you care so much about the littlest details like wearing gold then you’ll also call out yusuf because he draws living beings and drinks champagne. yes it’s true muslim men are forbidden from wearing gold AND silk but let’s not forget, nothing in the comic and movies imply yusuf has ever been religious. It’s easier to see nicolo as religious because he was a fucking priest. Yusuf was a fucking merchant, it’s easy to see that he’d be less faithful because he would have been travelling and seen many kind of people to broaden his horizons and not contained to a little bubble of hyper religious community. However, let me remind you: whether yusuf AND nicolo are religious or not is entirely UP TO THE AUTHOR/ARTIST. It’s totally fine to make him religious and if you can respect it THATS GREAT, I ALSO LIKE HIM THAT WAY, but please remember it’s not even canon and hey sometimes I just draw things because I like the aesthetics. Also please, do not harass writers for getting a thing or two incorrect, even white people cannot get christianity correct, even between two muslims could be a disagreement whether this fic’s yusuf is problematic or not. I wouldn’t even expect anything more and THAT’S OKAY. Just don’t be an ass to muslims of color in real life and don’t fall into the believe that it’s a religion of violence. you can say that greg made him that way bc he knew nothing better but hey, I have no problem with that. again, it’s fine to make him religious, I’d be delighted but it’s ALSO fine to make him not religious.

2. I think that people only write Top!Nicky out of political correctness. OKAY. I apologize for this. I thought like this because I have accounts telling me that they were pressured into writing top!nicky or they wanted more readerships so I make a BIG assumption. I realized this is only a small part of switch and top!nicky fics and the big bulk of this must be out of genuine care. So yeah, I apologize for thinking that people only write top!nicky out of political correctness. I think writers should be allowed to write whatever they want. Yes this includes top!Nicky. And in whatever kinks they want it. However, this still doesn’t change that the discourses do scare people away from writing top!joe. Write top!nicky however you want, but stop vague-blogging about top!joe. racism isn’t inherent to top!joe and you can always remind people to be mindful with their writings but discouraging people from writing top!joe is not the solution. 

3. Top!joe is racist and people in the discord are racist. Okay, I am gonna touch several aspects why top!joe discord is considered racist: (1) because I don’t like to switch them, therefore I am racist. Sorry that’s not how it works. I have a clear preference and that’s just how I roll. Besides, a lot of people in the discord (including me) think either they switch (because they are 900 yo) or joe just doesn’t like bottoming. I’m not the kind of people who refers to reality for fiction I consume but people who prefer to top or to bottom exist (2) i want to be away from accountability and responsibility. Nope. The reason I made it is because I wanted to gather people with same interest as mine. 

4. I paint Yusuf as aggressive and the whole discord like him being an aggressive top. I think this is the only reason why the discord is seen in a negative light. Because wow what a coincidence that someone vagueblogged my discord at the day I celebrated about Nicky suggesting 20 years and wrote a post about how Joe is allowed to be angry. And beside someone made the WRONG assumption that we are focusing on Joe’s anger and violence (what). Okay, I don’t know how to break this down. But I will try. First, yes I was overjoyed at the news. Because I’m one of the people that do not like feral!nicky headcanon. I liked it at first bc it was funny but then it was twisted into Nicky being cold. So I don’t like it (lol), I still like it though but like I don’t seriously think that way. However, I never liked the idea that Nicky suggested higher than Joe. Because then his character just doesn’t click with me, there was a cognitive dissonance for me because joe clearly says nicky’s heart overflows kindness, you can see nicky as a medic in the credit montage. Also, from their body language and from the way the movie set em up, I think Joe is the one who suggested higher and I am glad to be proven right. Second, I did write a post about how Joe is allowed to be angry at Booker. People agreed with me, so I was not alone. But the reason I wrote that post is not because I wanted to paint yusuf as aggressive, but because I’m tired at people who think Joe shouldn’t display any negative emotions. I think it’s out of character. I do NOT think Joe is aggressive. That is NOT his wholeass personality. If you looked at my tog art tag, never once I portrayed Joe as anything aggressive. If I do, please show me. Third, people are conflating this with my post where I reblogged with a comment that implies aggressive Joe isn’t racism. Okay in this, the context is IN BED. It’s Joe being aggressive in BED. It’s literally BED ROLES AND FANTASY. I don’t even have a particular scenario in my head when I reblogged that, the original post clearly refers to bed roles with manhandling and kinks etc. like, why would you spank someone in public? Lastly, about the discord, NOPE, most people in the discord agree that Joe is either a GENTLE DOM or SERVICE TOP. But in my opinion, if someone likes Joe as an aggressive top (again, bed roles baby) I really don’t think it’s racism. It’s just... projection? 

anyway, back to joe’s emotions, these are posts from a moroccan man (paragraph #7) and a brown woman whose posts I agree with. Let’s be real, people of color are expected to shut up in favor of white people’s fragile feelings.

Now, about racism in fandom. I understand the concern because muslim men are painted as violent and aggressive. You know what I will never forgive those radicals for taking away innocents lives and to leave a lasting damage in how muslims are perceived in the west. However, you have to keep in mind, Joe in the movie is far from being stereotyped. I mean, Gina and Marwan practically greenlit him? Now, you might have concerns that writers are gonna turn him into a walking stereotype which is... okay, I understand that concern. But the solution is to communicate this ‘hey I think you make him too stereotypical in this etc etc’ not “write more top!nicky AND shame top!joe” because again, top!joe is not inherently racist.

also some people mentioned that they hope I recognize racial bias in the ship. dude, that goes without saying, all aspects of your life will be influenced by racial biases. however, this kind of thing is not specific to fandom/shipping. Like I said I’m fucking brown, friends and families with facial features that cater to white expectation are treated better. I did say at the bottom of this post, yeah I did notice why it’s always a brown character who’s always openly mad. And that’s in itself a form of racial bias. Racial biases affect everyone, white or POC, it doesn’t matter. But I got an issue with how people think this is racism. like how convenient, if by falling to racial biases mean you are a racist then what about those white people who created this racial biases in the first place? and I noticed the persons who got the audacity to cry about everything in this fandom is white?? I mean okay, they don’t know what I am, but not everyone is comfortable with sharing their private information like ethnic group, faith, etc. what if they really don’t want to share it? Because like you said, racial bias, whether good or bad will affect me. Now, I don’t know what white people are feeling, I’m not white. However, based on my interactions with them. We’re all just people sharing same interest, it could be they fall into racial biases, but all we shared about are just regular HCs. Even people making a conscious effort to combat racial bias still in essence fall for racial bias. You just cannot escape it.

According to this post, fandom assumes that the bottom is the proxy of writers, I don’t think this is applicable to everyone but let’s just say it’s true and people tend to write about their projection better so I’m gonna assume the racism part comes from the fact that..yeah I do think the bottom usually gets more fleshed out as a result of them being the writers proxy, so somebody posted this in the discord which I agree because yes I do think there’s a lack about yusuf’s background especially when it comes to crusade era:

but since I know most writers aren’t muslims, to me it’s not so much about racism but they simply know nothing about it, and not always out of ignorance either but in this climate, if you get a thing or two wrong you’d get harassed. so *shrugs* I understand the reluctancy. But here’s the thing, this is not about top/bottom issue but because most of the fandom are white so they have more freedom in writing the white character. Anyway, plenty of people have projected themselves into yusuf already, the whole “top/bottom” thing in this fandom is not even a thing. Yes, some writers project on the bottom so if you prefer bottom!joe that’s fine, somebody in the discord is doing a research and it turned out top!joe wasn’t even a CLEAR majority in JULY. So clearly they got their share already?

so please, let’s stop with the vitriol. if people are preferring top!joe it’s clearly because of different preferences. it’s not that deep. it’s the same way with how some people are preferring top!nicky. But we’re being driven out based on a hypothetical scenarios? like what do you want? for us to cease existing??? don’t be ridiculous.

I know people won’t listen to me. So this is my suggestion: LETS JUST IGNORE THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE. LET’S ALL JUST AGREE TO DISAGREE. 

[walkerwords]

“The Savior Sessions” Part 32 of 33 - Negan x GN!Reader

IMAGE CREDIT: AMC

SERIES MASTERLIST

Summary: In the confines of a Tower, conversations are held as the survivors prepare to face Beta and the horde.

Word Count: 4681

Warning: Swearing

Song I Wrote To: “Outlaws of Love” by Adam Lambert

Note: I can’t believe I have been writing this since AUGUST. Only one more after this and I think it is going to wrap up nicely. Enjoy a little down time before the big battle and yes, Maggie will make an appearance in the final part. Thanks!

—————

For as long as you could remember, you loved being up high.

You could remember climbing trees as a kid and jumping off the rope swing at summer camp as soon as school got out. Nobody in your family ever understood why you felt more comfortable off the ground, but the truth was, you felt safer there than down below.

No matter how high, it was almost as if you were untouchable, immune from the world around you. When the world ended, you found yourself searching for the highest points possible. It was exactly why you had decided to pick up a sniper rifle in the first place.

The guard towers at the prison, the top of the barn at the Greene farm, and even the old clock tower that once stood in Alexandria, were all your comfort places.

The tower you now stood in, however, felt more like a trap rather than a place of freedom.

Daryl, Michonne, and you had realized that with Negan declaring war on the Whisperers by killing Alpha, Beta would be coming for everyone with an even more vicious vendetta. Negan was docile when it came to the decision. He said ‘yes ma’am’ and ‘yes sir’ as he moved through the community. Nobody dared say anything negative towards him, but they weren’t praising him either.

They knew that no matter how he did it, Negan had saved more lives than not when he killed Alpha. The only one who was still dealing with the fallout of it all was Lydia.

As soon as Negan told everyone what he had done, Lydia had shut down. She still stayed with you when it was time to rest, but she didn’t say much. From all the time you were a teacher, you recognized the anger that she was feeling. You also knew that it was only a matter of time before she unleashed that fury on Negan.

Then, there was Daryl.

You couldn’t get a proper read on him and it was starting to worry you. Daryl was a smart man, but when it came to facing down an enemy at this caliber, he tended to get reckless. If he didn’t get it together soon, Beta would have the upper hand and you were not going to let that happen.

Beta had to die and you were going to be the one to do it, no matter what it took.

Looking out the window of the tower, you braced your hands on the window sill and waited for the horde to move in because you knew one thing for sure, Beta wasn’t going to stop until you and Negan were both dead.

—————

“Did you get any sleep?” Michonne asked Negan as she joined him against the wall as they watched the room before them.

“Not a bit,” he said. “You?”

“RJ snores like his father,” Michonne said fondly. “So, no, not much.”

“He’s a good kid,” Negan said as he watched RJ pet Dog who was curled at his feet.

“Yeah,” Michonne said with a sigh. Negan looked over at her, raising a brow.

“What’s up?”

“I can’t see how we get out of this one,” she admitted.

“And so you’ve come to me for comfort?” he asked with a snort.

“That’s what you get for playing hero,” she said.

“Nah, I ain’t a hero,” he said as his eyes scanned over to Lydia who was playing with one of the stray cats that occupied the building. “I’m just trying to knock some years off of my eternal damnation.”

“I didn’t peg you for the religious type,” she said.

“I’m not,” he said. “I’m just covering all my bases.”

“Do one of those bases include (Y/N)?” she asked. Negan sighed, leaning further back against the wall, crossing his ankles

“I don’t know why they even bothered to forgive me,” he said, rubbing a hand along his jaw. “I would have sent my ass packing.”

“Guess that makes them the better person,” Michonne proposed.

“Ah, well, that was never in question,” he said. “(Y/N) was the only thing that kept me going while I was out there. You know when Beta came back and said that someone with a sword had nearly ended him, I knew it was them and that terrified me. I always knew they were a total badass, but hearing how close they came to being gutted by that bastard…”

“I know that fear,” Michonne said. “There was a time during the war with your people that I thought Rick had died.” Negan was patient as she began to tell her story. “We were at this old fairground looking for weapons and we became overwhelmed by Walkers. We started to make a game out of how many we could get before the other,” she said with a small smile. “Rick climbed up onto this rickety Ferris wheel, taking aim with his gun. I was on the other side of the yard when the mechanism broke and he fell.

“I saw him disappear into a crowd of Walkers and as I ran towards him I saw those things tearing at flesh and blood. I remembered that I stopped breathing, unable to even comprehend what I was seeing. I had dropped my katana and everything was moving in slow motion. It wasn’t until I heard his voice calling my name that I knew he was alive. Rick had found a way to survive and then he threw me my sword and we fought together. I had never been happier to see him than at that moment.”

Negan smiled softly at that, thinking of the man as well. “Wait,” he said, “if they weren’t eating Rick…”

“It was a deer,” Michonne said. “He owed me one after you and the Saviors took the one I carried into Alexandria.”

“Ah,” he said. “Always the gentleman, huh?”

“Yeah,” Michonne said as her eyes were on her children. “ You know, I once asked you to do for (Y/N) what they were doing for you,” Michonne continued. Negan nodded, remembering.

“Not sure if I ever completed that task,” he said, thinking back to the night you lay in the infirmary recovering from the blizzard. Michonne had asked him to help you as you had helped him.

“I disagree,” Michonne said, surprising the man next to her. “I thought that (Y/N) needed to be coddled or helped through all this trauma, but I was wrong. They just needed a reason to fight through all the shit in their life. That reason ended up being you.”

“I’m not much to fight for,” Negan said casually.

“Since when do you see yourself like this?” she asked. Negan could tell that his sudden self-deprecating attitude was confusing to her, just as it was to Gabriel or Rosita.

“I guess,” Negan began, taking a deep breath. “I guess I just got tired of trying to be a somethin’ I’m not. I’ve spent too long actin’ as if I got my shit together when in truth, I’m just fucked up as everything else in this godforsaken world.”

“Ever think that’s just the way it’s supposed to be?” Michonne offered. “If any of us were completely sane or normal, we’d all be dead.”

“There’d be a lot less bloodshed if we were,” Negan offered, but Michonne was shaking her head.

“No, I think there’d be more,” she said. “Negan, regardless of what any of us have done, we have all believed in one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“That people are the future and in order to survive, we gotta start savin’ them. No matter what.”

--------

“Since when do ya hide from your problems?” Daryl asked as he approached you. 

Standing by the window, you cast your eyes towards him. “Who says I’m hiding?” you asked. 

“Negan’s out there trying to be helpful and you’re all alone in here waiting for a war,” he said. 

“Isn’t that what we’re all doing?” you asked. 

“Nah, I’m preparing for one, not wishing for it.” Sighing, you fully faced him. The new scars on his face were stark against his face and you knew that you didn’t look much better. 

“All I want is Beta,” you said. “Then, this will all be over.”

“It will never be over, (Y/N). You know that and so do I. There’s always going to be another problem to deal with. The world doesn’t stop tryin’ to end just ‘cause we beat another enemy.”

“Remember when Walkers were the only enemy?” you asked. 

“We all knew that wasn’t going to last long,” he said, bracing his hand against the wall.

Over the past year or so, you had begun to see Daryl differently. He was no longer just the right-hand or the hunter. He was now a leader and one that had stepped up to the role that Rick always knew he could be. There wasn’t anyone else that you respected more than Daryl Dixon.

You had grown into a new version of yourself as well. For a long time, it had felt as if you were the outsider, the one who never quite fit, but now that felt as if it was changing. You used to think it was Negan who was bringing out this new side of you, but the truth was, it was just you. 

You had become stronger because you had always been strong and resilient, you just hadn’t allowed yourself to break through that shell. 

“What happens now?” you asked.

“We fight,” Daryl said. “We may not all get out this, but we’ve never given up and we ain’t about to start now. I know you want Beta, (Y/N), but you gotta survive first.”

“You’re on his hit list, too,” you said. 

“And if he comes for me, I’ll be ready,” Daryl said. You both were quiet for a moment, letting the stillness of the tower surround you. 

��Aaron and Alden shouldn’t be out there alone,” you whispered. 

“They know what they’re doin’,” he assured you. “I’m about to do a perimeter check soon.”

“Need some help?” you asked. 

“Nah,” Daryl said, shaking his head. “You gotta stay up here. You’ve always seen better up high.” 

“Maybe the thinner air will help me work things out,” you said with another sigh. 

“Don’t think that just cause you want to forgive him, that you have to right now. You’re human, not a damn machine.” 

“Have you forgiven Carol?” you asked. 

“I ain’t turning my back on her if that’s what ya mean,” he said. You gave him a look. “Of course I forgive her. She’s my best friend, (Y/N), and if that stops meanin’ something then we’re all lost.” 

“I lost my best friend,” you said, fighting back the lump in your throat. 

“He ain’t completely gone,” Daryl said, tugging on the sleeve of the duster that you wore. Your hand slid to the pommel of your sword, too, feeling Paul’s memory in your mind. “He loved you and he always believed in you. Sasha, too,” he said and you closed your eyes at that. “I know ya still miss her like crazy. Next to Maggie, you were the closest thing she had to another sibling after Tyreese.”

“Maggie never saw it that way,” you said. “She and I… we were close once. Then, after Glenn… Maggie stopped coming to me. I always wondered if I did something wrong or if she blamed me because was one of the first people to agree with Rick about the satellite station. Whatever it was, our relationship was never the same and Sash got caught between.” 

“Maggie has her own demons just as you have yours and Sasha had hers. You can’t compare them. That ain’t how it works,” Daryl said. 

“Then how does it work, Daryl?” you asked. “In case you haven’t noticed, Maggie’s demon is the man that I fell in love with.”

“Negan ain’t the same that he was back then. Even I can see that the son of a bitch has changed. I don’t like to admit it, but what he did, takin’ out Alpha like that, that proved somethin’. He could have run when Carol let him out. He could have joined up with them and took more of us out, but he didn’t. Why? Cause he’s in love with you? Maybe. But I think it's more than that. I don’t think the bastard ever wanted to be what he was. He thinks so, too.” 

“Is there a lesson in this speech, D?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he said, “get out of your damn head, stop thinkin’ about what Maggie would think, and start thinkin’ for yourself. We know better than anyone that the future ain’t always certain. There’s no time to overthink shit when you already know what you want. So tell me, what do you want, (Y/N)?” 

It had been a long time since someone had asked you that question. Before, you would have brushed them off and made some lame joke about wanting to watch TV or go to a concert again. However, now, you didn’t feel the need to hide at all because you knew what you wanted and you were damn well going to fight for it. 

“I want Beta dead, my family safe, and I want Negan by my side for all of it. I don’t care what people think of him because I love him and if that makes me some sort of outlaw within this group, so be it. Enid once told me that I have lost too much to feel guilty for loving someone and she was right. I love him, Daryl, and I am done feeling ashamed about that.” 

Daryl nodded, standing up straighter. Reaching out, he laid his hand against your shoulder. 

“Finally,” he said. “Finally, ya understand.”

“Understand what?” 

“Yourself.”

---------

Negan had been dancing around it all day but he had to speak to Lydia. 

He had seen her wandering around, playing with the cats or speaking with Carol. He wasn’t entirely sure what that relationship was all about, but it made sense for the two of them to connect. Lydia had loved Carol’s son. Negan had been worried about talking to the teen especially since she seemed to be avoiding you as well. 

You had become like a parent to Lydia and Negan thought perhaps she had begun to see him like that as well. However, now, after what he had done, Negan wasn’t sure of anything. 

Approaching her, he waited for her to look at him, but her eyes remained on the dirty floor. “Hey. I, um... I don't think you've eaten anything today,” he tried, feeling like an idiot. 

“I'm good,” Lydia said dismissively. 

“You know,” Negan continued. “I can't tell if it's just one of those things or the craziness of us all moving to an abandoned tower... or if you're just avoiding me.”

“I'm avoiding you,” she said plainly, causing Negan’s brows to rise quickly.

“Well, shit, that's honest,” he said. 

“You want me to lie? Make you feel better?” Lydia said, getting to her feet and narrowing her eyes at him. 

“No, I don't,” Negan said. “I’d rather you were always honest with me.” 

“Okay. Well, then you can give someone else the rat stew,” Lydia said. 

“It's not rat. It's possum. I mean, yeah, it is basically a big rat.” Lydia looked at him as if she was wishing he would just go away, but he had to say his piece. “Look, kiddo, your mom, I mean, she did some horrible shit and there's no excusing any of it, but there were things about her that were complicated. In some ways, I wish you could have seen some of the truth that I did. Maybe then you would understand why I did what I did.”

“We all know why you did it,” Lydia said. 

“I know, but if there's something that you wanna say to me, then you should say it cause this whole silent treatment shit ain’t working.” 

“Fine,” Lydia said. “Most of us wish you'd died, too.”

“Don’t you say that to me,” he said. “Not me. There was a time when you and I respected one another, when you would talk to me. Now I get that you’re pissed, but don’t act like you’re a founding member of my hate club cause you’re not.”

“You don't get to tell me what to do,” Lydia snapped. 

“You're right, I can't. I am not your father, but I sure as hell ain’t your enemy,” he said. 

“Then what are you, huh?” she said, getting angrier. 

“I am trying to be someone who is there for you.”

“You tied me to a chair and left me alone in some swamp!” she hollered. 

“To protect you!” Negan said before lowering his voice. “Your mother was going to kill you as some sort of animal kingdom ritual. I couldn’t let that happen.” 

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Lydia rasped out.

“I know, I know,” he said, “but you gotta try to. You have to let this anger out. Otherwise, you are gonna drift further from these people, and I know you don't want that.”

“The hell do you know what I want, huh? Tell me. You're a selfish asshole,” Lydia shot at him. “You only killed her so they'd think that you're a hero. But nothing you do will ever make you that here! Because you only care about yourself.”

“That's not true,” he said.

“Right, I forgot that you wormed yourself into (Y/N)’s heart. Though, that may say more about them than you, huh?” she said as the tears began to well in her eyes. “Why do you even care?” she asked. “Why do either of you care,” she said. “You and (Y/N) look at me as if I need fixing.” 

“Is that what you think? That we want to fix you? Jesus, Lydia, how could you think that?”

“I know you see her when you look at me,” Lydia said. “You see my mother in me.” 

“I see the good parts,” he said with a nod. “You have your mother’s strength and resilience. No matter what she did with it, she passed that on to you and that means something,” Negan argued. “Lydia, you have to mourn her. You know, you need to say goodbye. Otherwise, it's gonna eat you up from the inside. Just trust me on this.”

“Good parts? How the hell can you tell me that there were good parts? I hated her!” she yelled, lashing out at him, hitting him in the chest. She breathed in a shaky breath, trying to control her anger, but she couldn’t. “I want to hate her, so screw you for telling me I can't even do that!”

“It's okay, Lydia,” Negan said as Lydia began to cry, her shouts of anger turning into sobs.

“No! It's not okay!” she said, hitting him in the chest. “It's not okay! It's not okay!” Negan grabbed her into a hug, holding her close to his chest so she couldn’t keep lashing out. Lydia quickly fell against him, clutching at him as she cried. 

“It's okay,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “It’s okay.”

As Lydia sobbed in his arms, Negan held her and tried to make everything seem as if it was going to okay, but not even he could promise her that. 

--------

It was well after Negan had calmed Lydia down that you found him at one of the watchpoints. 

“Dianne, give us a second?” you asked the archer who nodded and excused herself. You sat down on an old crate and invited Negan to join you. He did, his bat settling next to his feet on the floor. You grabbed it, feeling its weight in your hands. Negan didn’t say anything as you examined the weapon, wondering what its namesake was truly like. “Lydia seems like she’s settled a bit,” you observed. 

“She just needed to get it out of her system,” Negan said. “It’ll be a while before she’s better.” 

“I know,” you said. “I remember what it’s like to lose a parent.” 

“So do I,” he said. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” you said, spinning the bat in your hands. 

“Wasn’t plannin’ on being any place else,” he said. 

II know,” you said with a nod. Looking over at him, you handed him back the bat. He took it from you and placed it back on the ground. “I was thinking about something earlier.”

“What was that?” 

“There was a line in the letter that Carl left me,” you began. “It said, ‘stop trying to see everything through the scope of your rifle and start seeing what is right in front of you,’.” 

“Sounds incredibly wise for him,” Negan noticed. 

“Well, that was Carl,” you said. “That line has stuck with me since I first read it. I never really understood what he meant until his dad died and then more recently when you came home.” Negan was quiet, his eyes focusing on you completely. 

“For so long I was trying to stay three steps ahead of everything,” you went on, “but I never took the time to match pace with anyone. I think that’s why it took me so long to realize that you and I are never going to be the perfect couple. We’re not going to be the couple that takes nightly strolls or agrees on everything. We are, however, going to be the couple that fights like cats and dogs and who are willing to risk everything for each other. I finally see that is what this,” you gestured between the two of you, “is supposed to be and I am sorry if you ever felt as if I was pressuring you to be someone you’re not.”

“You weren’t,” he assured you. “I was pressuring myself into not screwing everything up because you are right, we are not normal in any sense of the word. But you know what?” he asked, reaching over to take your hand. “Fuck normal. It’s so goddamn overrated anyways.” 

“That it is,” you said as you leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.  He kissed you back before leaning his forehead against yours. “So, we can be not normal together, right? Cause I am not ready to go any further into this screwed up world without you.” 

“You don’t have to,” he said. “You’re stuck with me.” 

“Good,” you said, smiling softly. “I just hope we can do that without someone breathing down your neck with a weapon.”

“So do I,” Negan said with a soft chuckle. Suddenly, something dawned on you.

“Hey, do you have any idea what happened to Brandon?” Negan froze. “He sort of disappeared after you did.” Leaning back, he gave you a sheepish look. 

“Well…” Negan began. “The little psychopath found me on the road.” 

“Seriously?” you asked. 

“He was some sort of ‘fan’ of mine, apparently. His old man was a Savior and he wanted to be just like daddy. Problem was, he was fucking crazy.”

“Go on,” you urged. 

“We came across a mother and her son. I helped them and that’s when Brandon told me that he wanted to either rob them or kill them. A fucking woman and her kid…” Negan said, rubbing at his brow. 

“What did you do?”

“Told him to get lost,” Negan said. “Tried to offer him some decent life advice, but it clearly didn’t stick. When I came back after looking for some firewood for the mom, Brandon had bludgeoned them to death with a tire iron.” 

“The kid, too?” you asked, shocked. 

“There was more blood on the ground than in their bodies, (Y/N),” he said. “So, I picked up a rock and beat in his skull before he could murder any more innocent people.” You were silent for a moment as Negan’s word resonated. Eventually, you just sighed and shook your head. 

“Shit,” you swore.

“Yeah.”

“Fucking Brandon,” you said with a roll of your eyes.

“Fucking Brandon,” he agreed, but then was confused. “Are you not mad that I  killed him?”

“Why would I be? I’d have done the same thing,” you said. “You don’t just get to kill a kid in cold blood and move on with your life. Though, I am surprised that you let him tag along as long as he did.”

“You and me both,” he said. 

“Were you going to tell me about that if I hadn't asked?” you wondered. 

“Eventually,” he said. “I just couldn’t find the right time.” You nodded. “And I should have told you about a lot of things.”

“You’re talking about your deal with Carol?” 

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “I know you’re pissed at me over that.” 

“I am,” you said, “but if I can overlook everything else, I can overlook this.”

“I am so sorry,” he said. 

“I know you are,” you assured him, rubbing his hand between yours. “You did it because you were doing the right thing. You should have told me though. I would have been on board in helping you. “

“I couldn’t risk it,” he said. 

“You’re a moron,” you said. 

“I know,” he said with a wink. 

“And I really, really wanted to hate you when I saw you in that mask.”

“But you couldn’t,” he reminded you. 

“Never,” you agreed. Negan smiled and then reached up and placed his hand on your throat, running his thumb over your pulse point. 

“You do that a lot, you know?” you noted, gesturing to his hand. Negan shrugged. 

“Your pulse calms me,” he said softly. 

“Oh, and here I thought you were just into choking,” you joked.

“Don’t give me any ideas,” he warned and this time it was you that winked. “You know, we never did have make-up sex.”

“Now is not really the time,” you said, gesturing around at the chaos of the tower. 

“Jesus, Teach, not now. What kind of man do you think I am?” you laughed, rolling your eyes. 

“Like you weren’t thinking about it,” you said with a knowing look. Negan just shrugged again.

“Sorry, I just really missed you,” he said. 

“What have you told you about apologizing,” you whispered. 

“Habit,” he said back before kissing you again. When you pulled back, you took your face in your hands and then your right hand slid to the side of his neck, feeling his own pulse. 

“He’s coming for us,” you said. 

“He’s all yours,” Negan said. “I will make sure of it.”

Just as Negan was about to bring you closer, Gabriel ran into the room. “Gabe?” you asked, leaning back from Negan, but not letting go of him. 

“The horde is coming,” he said, breathing heavy. “It’s time.” He then rushed from the room as you and Negan went to the window.

It was as if a tsunami was moving in, but instead of water, Death approached in the form of the largest herd you had ever seen. 

“Negan,” you said, worried. 

“I know,” he said, taking your hand in his as he beheld the sight. “Can you promise me something?” he said, turning you so you would look at him. 

“Anything,” you swore. 

“Just survive,” he said and you were reminded of something similar you had said to Lydia before the Hilltop battle. “I know what you are going to do and I will not stop you from taking your revenge on him, but for me, please survive.”

Reaching up, you took him by the shoulders and pulled him in for a hug. Negan buried his head in your shoulder as you took one last moment to be with each other before the fighting began.

“I promise.”

--------

As Beta moved through the horde, his guardians protected him as they always had, but elsewhere, a guardian in their own right read a letter sent from an old friend. As Walkers approached the tower, Maggie Rhee picked up her bow and went in search of her family.

Note: One more to go...

TAGS: @not-too-tall-for-trick @lucillethings @cameronsails @stark-dreams @amaroho @thanossexual @yes-sir-hotchner @boom-bunny @delusionalteenagewhispers @scootankle @ritajammer21 @writteriguess @tea-atfive @jennydehavilland @waspyyy @yespleasejayhalstead @hoemadegrace @writingdeadangel @huffledor-able541 @pulplorrd @felicisimor

[illneverrecover]

call you mine (M) | changkyun

➛pairing: Im Changkyun (I.M.) x reader ➛genre: friends with benefits!AU,  non Idol!AU, angst, smut, fluff. ➛word count: 2,741 ➛rating: M ➛warnings: idk this is truly some sweet soft shit, mentions of alcohol, friends with benefits, standing sex, slight rough sex, biting/marking because clearly I have a kink, unprotected sex, creampie, mentions of Mingi!!, lots of kissing, soft clown Chaingang truly.  ➛summary: Changkyun knew he ruined your friends with benefits arrangement when he let his feelings be known, and now you’ve left him on read for weeks. So he does the only thing he can to stay sane - he religiously watches your Instagram stories. ➛notes: Another first for me - my first Monsta X fic! I’ve played around with writing Changkyun for a while now, mostly because I live to torture @taetaesbaebaepsae​ (which she deserves from all the PAINFUL and RUDE Baekhyun shit she’s written for me). However, she decided to actively commission her own demise, because she stays not listening to Namjoon and refuses to love herself. I’m glad I finally got a chance to take a stab at writing her ult, and I hope I did him justice! Enjoy your tomfoolery, Kristin! 💖 ➛song: Call You Mine -  The Chainsmokers & Bebe Rexha | Horizon - I.M. & Elhae

It’s pathetic, he knows.

The way he can’t stop watching, the way he seeks your face out in an app full of millions of others. The way he can’t get you out of his bed, his head, his thoughts.

He fucked up, scared you off, and now he’s left with the aftermath of his own stupidity. Watching you through a screen to fight the withdrawals off, to keep his heart beating.

Changkyun knows you would laugh at him if you saw what he was doing. 

Watching your Instagram stories is the only reason he’s heard you laugh in over two weeks, the only way he’s been able to see your eyes light up, your lips curve into a salacious grin. Things he fucking missed, thought he would have plenty of time to indulge in - until he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and ruined it.

He had taken you back to his place after a few shots of whisky at the dingy local bar, hands and mouth unable to leave your skin - just like the hundreds of times before. It had been four months since you had started this friends with benefits relationship, and despite having freedom to see whomever he wanted, Changkyun found himself only starving for you. So hungry that he couldn’t stand another moment in that place, watching you share your smile with anyone other than him. So he had tugged you close, nipped at your ear, told you that you were so damn beautiful that he couldn’t stand there another minute without you coming undone around him. 

You had smirked, slid your hand down the front of his pants, grabbing his cock like you owned it, purring out the words “prove it” before following him outside, just like the hundreds of times before.

Pressed up against his wall, his pelvis flush with yours, Changkyun whispered filth in your ears as he ground up against you, swallowing your moans in greedy kisses. Desperate fingers had pulled at your top, freeing your breasts for him to worship as he worked your skirt up around your waist, thrusting his clothed length against your core until you were whining.

Changkyun always promised to take his time with you, to work you over until you were drunk on his touch and pleading for more - but you never let him, always knowing the right thing to say to get his gaze to go dark and lust to turn frantic, to unzip his jeans and press inside your dripping cunt right there in the hallway. 

Just like the hundreds of times before.

You had come around him, digging your nails in his back so hard it left marks, made him growl your name against your collarbone as his thrusts picked up speed to fuck you through the high. You urge him on in the way only you can manage, begging for his release, whispering how much you want his come deep in your cunt. Biting down against the skin, he had spilled inside you with a final groan, hips twitching as he pumped you full of him, forehead resting against your shoulder.

Instead of pulling away immediately, Changkyun remained collapsed against you, breathing heavy. You had smacked at his shoulder, but he just chuckled, arms adjusting to continue a firm hold of your legs as he stayed inside of you, trapping you against his body and the wall.

“What are you doing, Kyun?” scoffing, you had grasped his jaw, forcing him to look at you. “I let you fuck me dirty against the wall without even demanding you buy me food after. Least you can do is let me get cleaned up.”

He had gazed up at you then, eyes piercing as they looked through you, and your heart clenched tightly in your chest. 

He knew he shouldn’t say it. Knew it would scare you off. And yet….

“I would, you know.” Swallowing thickly, his tongue darted out to wet his lips. “Take you to go get food. If you - I mean, if you wanted. If you’d let me.” 

It was like he could see the carefully crafted defenses go up, the pain etching your brow and making your eyes go cold. Anxiety flooded his veins as you wiggled out of his grasp, sliding your clothes back into place as you moved towards his bathroom.

“You don’t mean that,” you murmured, faking a smile. “You know what this is, Kyun.”

“I do mean that!” He knew he sounded too eager, too pitiful, but he couldn’t stop himself. “I’d take you out to dinner. Or,” following you, he paused in the doorway, watching you appraise yourself in the mirror. “We could just get take-out and go somewhere private, drive to a park, bring a blanket and some booze, eat somewhere no one would know or bother us.” 

Your answering laugh had sounded wrong, like it had cost you something - like it was the last thing you had wanted to do. 

“Like a picnic? Changkyun, you’re saying you want to take me on a picnic? Like a proper date?”

Stuttering, he tried to explain himself, but you had cut him off with a single wave. 

“Listen, we both know I’m not that kind of girl, and you don’t want me to be.” Leaning forward, you had pressed a kiss against his mouth, your eyes somber when you had pulled away, moved towards the door. 

“What if I do?” His voice broke, wanting to reach out but his arms remaining stiff at his sides. “What if I want you to be that kind of girl, with me?”

Tears stung your eyes, your stomach sinking like you had been punched. You couldn’t do this, couldn’t handle the inevitable disappointment that would come when you got your hopes up.

“I’ll see you around,” you threw over your shoulder before shutting the door, and shutting him out. 

Just like the hundreds of times before.

It had been two weeks now since he last saw you in person. It wasn’t for lack of trying; texting you at all hours had proven fruitless, even when he tried to send the usual ‘you up’ message like he didn’t just lay his heart out on the line. You responded airily, non committal, and he knew what you were doing. 

You were trying to let him down easy.

So here he was, phone glued to his hand as he scrolled through to find your picture, clicking on it to see if there was any update. You didn’t post a bunch in your feed, but you had a tendency to update your stories often - filling them with silly memes and cute selfies, little videos of you going about your day. Cuddling with your cat, attempting to cook something for lunch. His favorite was when you would do tarot readings for your followers; the way your face would turn serious as you read the cards, passionate fire in your eyes as you helped deliver the message to its owner. 

Seeing you that excited and genuine did something to him, made his chest feel like it was going to explode.

He knows you can tell that he’s watching, can see the icon of his profile showing up at the bottom of the video under “seen by.” He can only imagine what you’re thinking when you see it - that he’s a loser, this friend with benefits who turned lovesick puppy, but he can’t make himself care. It’s the only way he feels close, can pretend you’re still in his life.

He never thought that he would need you, now all he wants is to see you - for you to answer him, to come back to him. 

Changkyun still sends texts, unable to stop his fingers from reaching out, despite knowing you’ll shut him down. He calls sometimes too, late at night when his blood is more whisky than plasma, though you never answer those. Instead he listens to your voicemail, eyes closed to stop the world from spinning, letting your voice lull him to sleep. 

He convinces himself he’s fine with this arrangement, that things would be alright. He can just miss you from afar, observe you live your life through the pixels of a screen. That watching your stories is enough for him, will keep him afloat.

Until he sees you with someone else.

It was another Friday night he was spending alone, half drunk and on his phone, looking for your picture. Taking a deep breath, he had felt his heart stop when he saw the rainbow ring adorning your profile photo, meaning you had updated your story. Sighing, he tapped it, hoping that it would be a few videos so he could pretend for just a moment that he was beside you instead of wasting space on his bed.

The first clip was a selfie, your heavily lidded eyes staring seductively at the camera through your lashes, making his pulse jump and pants tighten. The caption “gonna get drunk tonight!” scrolled across the image, right below the pout of your lips. The next was a small video of you making a drink, giggling about the mixture of tequila and soju you were tossing in your cup, whispering to the camera how it was going to get you ‘all the way fucked up’. But it was the third clip that had his chest heaving, his lungs forgetting how to work.

You were walking out your door, a few people cluttering your front porch as you asked if anyone had a light. Some tall red headed kid - Changkyun refused to acknowledge him as anything more than that - had shouted out, and you squealed as you ran up to him, sliding directly onto his knee before switching the camera into selfie mode to capture the two of you. The next clip was you in his lap, one of your delicate hands sliding through his hair as he gave you a big dopey grin, a cigarette perched on your lips as you cooed at him and told him just how cute he was.

Fuck. He knew that look of yours, knew those moves. Knew exactly what you were doing, what you were hoping to do with that fucking Mingi kid, and he couldn’t stand it, not anymore.

Taking a few deep pulls directly from the liquor bottle, his fingers flew over the keys of his phone, sending you text after text -  all of which were ignored. He knew calling would be pointless, that you would rather light yourself on fire than answer your phone - especially at a party - and he felt desperation creep up his throat, choking him.

Changkyun couldn’t let this happen. Couldn’t let you just forget about him.

Clicking back onto Instagram, he started sending you responses to the story video as he got dressed, throwing on the nearest pair of jeans and sliding on his boots.

<What are you doing? Why won’t you answer my texts? I fucking miss you.>

<And not just fucking you. I miss you. I miss us. If you want me to stay for the rest of my life, I will. You already got me.>

<Answer me, Y/N. Or I’m going to come over, see if you can ignore me to my face>

<Baby?>

<I’m on my way. Don’t take that kid to your bed.>

It took painfully long for the Lyft to show up, and he gritted his teeth the whole route there, knee bouncing to stop himself from demanding the driver to go faster, to just hurry the fuck up and get to you. 

When the car had pulled into your neighborhood, he tried to send another message, instead clicking a video. Too frustrated to change it back, he lets it record, his voice low and pained. 

“I’m on my way, please let me in.” 

You were alone on the deck when your phone started vibrating, the ding of an Instagram direct message making you click the app, eyes widening in surprise when you saw the number of notifications. 

Changkyun, all from him.

Awestruck, you scrolled through every line, your heart throbbing with each word he had written. 

You didn’t think he cared, not like that. Sure, he missed the sex, but that’s what you expected. That’s what all of them wanted when they sent you late night texts, when they called your phone at three in the morning. Empty promises and broken vows were what kept you company in the dark, when they’d predictably leave you alone with an ache between your legs and in your chest.  None of them really wanted you, cared about you. After a few weeks of ghosting, they’d all disappear into thin air like expected, and your heart would harden just a bit more.

But now…

Another chime pulls you from your thoughts, eyes flicking back to the light of your phone. Instead of another direct message, it’s a notification that Changkyun had updated his story for the first time in months. 

Shaking fingers slide against the screen, your vision blurring as you take in the shadowed back seat of another person’s car, the only light  neon pink from the sign of the Lyft drivers decal. For a moment, all you can hear is the quiet chattering of a distant radio, of someone breathing heavily. 

And then his voice croaking over the speaker, raspy with need. 

“I’m on my way, please let me in.”

The video fades just as a car pulls up to your curb, a flurry of movement as Changkyun climbs out, stumbles towards you. He all but collapses into your arms, his breath dripping with liquor, eyes reddened but burning fiercely.  

“Y/N,” he mumbles, hands coming to cup your face, thumb dragging against the smooth skin of your cheek. “I want to take you on a picnic.” 

You laugh, though it comes out more like a sob. “What? What are you talking about? Did you call a Lyft and come all the way across town to tell me that, you clown?”

His finger taps against your lips once, twice. “Shh. Just let me-” he sighs, stomping a foot. “Let me talk.” 

He waits until you nod before continuing, words surging from his mouth as if he couldn’t hold back a second longer. 

“I came all the way here because I want to take you on a picnic. I want to buy you food and take you on cute little dates and do cheesy things that make you smile at me like you are right now,” he grins, pulling you until your chest rests against his own. “I’m here because I couldn’t stand you ignoring me anymore. I meant everything I said - that I miss you, that I want to be with you, if you’ll give me the chance. I want to call you mine.”

Pressing his forehead against yours, his eyes fall shut, his voice fervent and barely more than a whisper. 

“I love you, Y/N.”

Tears brim your eyes, and you fight every old wound that tells you to shove him away, to call him a liar. Instead you allow yourself to follow your gut, your heart for what feels like the first time, leaning back to give him a watery smile in return. 

“I love you too, Changkyun.” 

His mouth immediately lands on yours, tongue eagerly tracing the seam of your lips until it’s slipping inside, tasting every inch of you, ravenous and unsatisfied until your knees are shaking. He’s walking you backwards towards the door, tugging at your clothes, and you giggle at his impatience.

Pulling away, you gasp for air, palm pressing against his shoulder to hold him back for a moment. “But listen, if I give you a chance, that means you have to stop stalking my Instagram, you creep. And don’t try to deny it, I see you all over my stories, lurking around.” 

He chuckles then, nipping at your bottom lip as his eyes darken. “Please, don’t act like you don’t love the attention,” 

Pushing the door open, he guides you inside, mouth working over your neck, arms wrapped around your waist until your back is flattened against the wall. 

“Plus, there’s no need, now that I got you,” he confesses, his nose swiping against yours gently before he captures your lips between his own, hitching your legs to drape around his waist as he grinds against you, humming words of praise.

Just like the hundreds of times before, but now as his.