#shouldn't i be seeking connection with real people and not just from those in my screen

[snallavanta]

hi friends. it's only been one day since i finished young royals and life feels so meh already. what even is the meaning of life. seems stupid that i have to work everyday for the rest of my life until i die. where are the joys of life. i need to feel something. let me feel anything

[elysiansparadise]

Hi Hi! I love your blog! The way you write speaks to me so well ✨ Any chance you could do some more 11th house planets specifically Neptune and Uranus? I noticed they're both not there and I have an 11th house stellium 🙈 totally okay if you're busy but would love your opinions on it 🩷 much love

Hello love, thank you so much for loving my blog! I have already posted that Uranus placement analysis, here it is.

Neptune in the 11th house

These natives are very intuitive and empathetic in their social relationships of all kinds, deeply feeling the emotions and needs of their friends or members of any group to which they belong, often offering emotional support and understanding. It is because of this that their friends tend to see them as reliable and empathetic advisors. They may have deep spiritual connections with their friends, they may even feel karmic bonds or predestined relationships quite often. These people have a strong sense of friendship, enormous devotion and respect for those who give them this title. It is likely that at some point in their life they will make the mistake of trusting someone they shouldn't, and may feel that they took advantage of their trust. They seek deep and meaningful connections with their friends and groups, since they do not settle for superficial relationships and seek to share transformative and meaningful experiences. These people have the ease to solve issues of other people, however, they may struggle with handling their own. Many times their friends can see them as people who have supported and guided them on a path towards a better mindset or life in general, since these natives not only will seek to encourage, support and make their friends feel accepted and loved just as they are, but they will make them see in themselves someone capable of achieving big things by making them turn their dreams in something tangible and real.

These natives stand out for being idea machines, with this placement their creativity increases by mixing it with originality, giving them the ability to create amazing things. They dream big and really love to fantasize about the future, they can even spend a lot of time daydreaming. It is very likely that they have artistic interests and hobbies and, in addition to that, enormous talent regarding them. They choose to experiment, try new ways of doing things and above all, not have a scheme or demand too much of themselves. Here we find people who hate tension in any form, choosing to prefer environments where they feel tranquility and peace from doing the things they like most. They reject unnecessary conflict and will easily walk away from anything that brings chaos and discomfort into their lives. These natives dream of a better world, some may decide to have a job in which they help others or contribute positively to society, many others have the way of thinking that, although they cannot completely change the world, they can contribute even a little, and they will do it without hesitation.

These people have a knack for inspiring others, an effect that can lead them to attract people who admire them either for a trait or talent. It is very likely that people place high expectations on them or idealize them in some way. They value working for a cause and a purpose, they will never be in a job for which they do not feel that passion and dedication. Many of them, despite being great friends, may prefer to take refuge from issues or problems by isolating themselves. They are those types of people who try to be reliable for others but hardly feel that there are people who are reliable for them. They may enjoy spending a lot of time on social networks or doing their hobbies, losing track of time. They may be able to earn money through jobs or projects that involve humanitarian, spiritual, charitable causes, creative or artistic activities. These natives have no difficulty working as a team and will always seek to help and support other members. They are very sensitive to the energies of others and can easily feel the vibrations of the environments they are in, so it is normal that after a while socializing they need a moment alone to recharge their batteries.

-> Go back to the masterlist

[conjuremanj]

How To Build A Ansestor Altar+ Ritual Setup.

As you know Hoodoo is a practice of ancestral veneration. The honoring of spirits and even working and praying to our ancestors is practiced around the world and in many cultures. Many African religions have the belief that your ancestors play a active role in your life.

The spirits of the dead are invited into our household so that they may provide us with blessings and protection. Maintaining a connection with our dead ancestors is a foreign to most Americans because Christianity permeates our culture. But Christianity teaches that death is the end then we move on, buts that not all to some good mediums says that after death life still goes on they talk, have get togethers even eat & drink their favorite foods. Not to survive like we need it for but to injoy.

For those who are seeking to practice traditional hoodoo, it can sometimes be difficult to talk about the fears of life and death. Hoodoo like many African traditions, that sees life and death as a journey for the soul. Where our lives in the world of the living world ends one day and it rises on the spiritual plane (Heaven) where our souls continue to live.

Without the assistance of our ancestors, Spirit guides and of course GOD, trying to perform workings is would be a waste time and energy. The spirits don't just power magical workings, they also guide our steps so that we can avoid negative situations and recover from our mistakes quickly. The real strength of a root doctor/ conjure man comes from the ability to provided help and to write a prescription that would best fit the needs of a client or ourselves with the help of our ancestors through and a altar.

Now you don't half to have your full altar decacated to just the ansestors it can be to our guides (there important) a Saint, God all of these things can be added to your altar space.

"Creating an ancestor altar or even a altar period don't always seem worth it to newcomers, and usually skipped over for the magic part of it".

Creating An Ancestor Altar:

Before You Begin let me share how to properly do this traditionally. When creating a altar it's not only about just any of your ansestors, you must find ansestors that either have pratice hoodoo or know about it, that person with your guides will guide you the right way. Now this doesn't mean you can't put a deceased sibling, parents or grandparents you can but the ones that will help the most in your practice is the ansestor that knows it the most. My advice to you is do what I mentioned above and a reading to know which spirits want to be on your altar. (See post on spiritual court) it can talk a while so be patient.

Find a place in your home where there's not many people that will see your altar or walk by. You can also use your closet. Now i know most people would say that you shouldn't put your altar in the bedroom the reason for this is the spirits, when you get good at this practice and you made a connection with your guides, ansestors, God that space will have spirit traffic and it can get annoying if your a medium and it could affect your dreams and sleeping pattern and that can happen but that basically new age hoodoo or spiritualism not traditional but you can choose your room if you want to.

2. When you’ve decided on the right space, which can be a higher table or a low table to kneel to pray. Next you can clean your surface with Holy Water, Florida Water, or Incense like palo santo after say a prayer over the table expressing a desire for it to act as a holy space.

3. Find a cloth for your altar. Most commonly white cloth is used which ever you like would do.

4. The first thing on your ancestor altar should be the Bible. If you want The Bible can be placed in the center of your altar. The Bible is a powerful book of prayers. (Also, it is likely that your ancestors were Christian and they will respond to verses that were familiar with them)

5. Place a white candle above your Bible. The candle acts as a beacon drawing spirits closer to us. (It's great for guides and God)

6. Add a wine glass full of water (any cup would do) next to the candle. We place the glass of water on our altars to make a stronger connection with the spirits. Keep water on your altar and change it weekly. Water is divine and aids in your ancestors’ communication with you.

7. Place a picture of your ancestors to the left and right of your Bible, candle and glass of water. Their pictures help to strengthen your connection. )Don’t worry if you don’t have pictures of them) other things that can be added to your altar to strengthen the connection.

If you have other religious items like statues, cards or personal thing you want to add do it

This set up is the essentials needed to make an ancestor altar. If you can’t afford anything extra or if you don’t have much space to work with them start with this basic setup. You can always add more to your altar as I mentioned above.

If you have other religious items like statues, cards or personal thing you want to add do it either from you or passed down.

Offerings: When it comes to offerings you want to add things that they would like. The common offerings to your altar would be water.

Other offerings that some spirits would like us coffee, rum, and food. You can use small glasses and plates to place your offerings on.

Add Items: That are significant to your spiritual practice on your altar, like some type of divination tools. These tools will come in handy in clarifying the message that might come through your altar.

Finally: Place an image of a spirit known for protection on your altar. It’s always best to have a working relationship with the spirit you chose to place on the altar, but if your beginning you might not have a working relationship with a spirit of protection so use this time to begin communicating with that spirit as well. I suggest Saint Michael or the Virgin Mary. This spirit will act as a guardian between you and any random spirits that may be attracted to your altar, your spirit guides are important to build a relationship with as the guide you through like and can help you to connect to others. God is the big on you want to build a relationship with so pray or just talk to him this will help because he's the one who does everything for is. Also place an extra candle and glass of water next to the image of your protector and guide, and even God to show your appreciation.

Other Common Items: You can choose to add things like dirt from a families grave, incense & burner are very important, candle snuffer, a bell or rattle or important, flowers, and Holy Water, Florida Water. (See my post on insense and rattles & bells)

How you arrange the items on your altar is a matter of personal preference. The water, coffee and rum should be cleaned and refreshed at least once a week. Any food offerings should be left on the altar until it has lost all life and becomes stale. Your candles should be replaced as soon as they go out.

Working Ritual at your Ancestor Altar: Now that your ancestor altar is completely set up, it’s time to begin welcoming the spirits into your home. Begin by inviting your ancestors to “sit” at your altar. This can be achieve this with a three-day long ritual that is intended to prepare the space.

This ritual is truly traditional, now you don't have to do this step but it can help to make a strong connection.

Day 1- At your altar, try to imagine the faces of those who have passed. Take as much time as you need to really make a connection. After your prayers, visit their grave site if you can.

Day 2- Prepare meals that they would like.

Day 3- Bring them a gifts as an offering. Light your altar candles and sit in quiet meditation and prayer.

After you have invited them to your altar make sure to spend time with them. Pay attention to your dreams and to your intuition during this process. Your ancestor will eventually respond to your prayers so pay attention.

[vampirewhohuntsvampires]

Hmm, i was like talking about some tv show tropes regarding fat people and romance and kind of unironically connecting some dots into my complex feelings of like romance and self-esteem and how I think being fat has effected it. So I'm just like preaching to the void, and the choir here. read at uour own risk oooo ahhhh

I think in regards to romance, racism, and fat phobia have like affected me so deeply. I mean, yeah I'm autistic, and I struggle with social cues in general, but I genuinely think growing up as a societal 'undesirable' has like definitely altered the way I view and think about myself. I mean, there were just certain truths I had to come to peace with when I was younger, that a handful of people won't want you because you're black. An even bigger group of people won't want you because you're fat. You're the girl everyone tells you they kill during fuck marry kill (Like that's a normal thing to say.) You get rejected by the people you like because you're nice, but you're not all that pretty. Or pranks people pull, when they tell you someone likes you but it's not true. And they both know it's not true.

And that's fine, I guess. Honestly, I have no hard feelings in the present day about what we did in middle/high school. On the bright side, I think I'm like ridiculously good at taking rejections in stride. On the downside, I think it definitely left me struggling to understand or even piece together when someone is interested in me. I think deep down, there's still that very strong belief that I'm like not something to be desired.

“You aren't someone that people would want, so you really shouldn't be surprised when people don't want you.” It was, and kind of has still been some sort of fucked up survival mantra I've held onto. I honestly used to just sit there and take it, when people told me I wasn't someone that people could fall in love with. Or feel attracted too or whatever. I just thought they were right, and it meant I'd have to settle for someone who could at least tolerate me. And I think I convinced myself to think that way just so I could make sense of and make peace with the way people talked about me.

And like it's different now, I very much have people who love me and people who are in love with me (hahha hiii if uore here). But I genuinely think it's rotted my perception of others, not beyond repair but it definitely requires some TLC. Like even though I'm not in the situation anymore, (well vaguely). I don't think I notice that many signs of people being into me because I genuinely struggle to fathom the situation in which I'm something to be wanted.

( i think theres like other ways, you can be unwanted. I have certainly experienced it RIP!!!!!! but this is not about that !!! ) Like, I don't know I can think I'm hot but I also have a lot of bad days when I want to cover up because I'm embarrassed of the space I take up. Or when the devil starts talking in my ear about how I'd look better if I lost weight, how I could wear stuff I've been too scared to wear, how id have an easier time transitioning (if at all), how people could like me more.

And, sure I do what I can. I contest those thoughts. But honestly, it's hard. I don't know what else I can do. I know self-love starts with you but jesus does the hate from others make that thang hard. It doesn't help that talking to people about this, who aren't fat about it is like genuinely the most humiliating experience ever. It's so embarrassing to tell people that I still experience issues with my body because I feel like this is one of those things I shouldn't handle for myself. clutches head. Honestly if anyone read this far and uou know any tips... on unlearning this sort of stuff. i would love to hear it.

I know that again, it starts with me and I shouldn't seek out this sort of affirmation from other people. But dear lawrd. I dont have a real ending to this it was just me trailing off in thought. but i might continue it if i gain a braincell

[princescribbler]

Hi little boy Scribbler. I'm sad. Iasked your mommy but maybe you can help too.

I'm scared I'll never find a mommy into AB/DL. It's so hard to be strong and stay brave when I wanna cry and be cared for by a mommy.

How did you find a great mommy like yours? How do I make sure she doesn't leave me or lose interest? How do i stop them from just ghosting me when they see I'm not rich, or into findom? And how do I find someone who will give me what I want not just what they want?

Sincerely,

All alone anon

Huh...I hate to jump to conclusions (and apologies if I'm judging incorrectly) but i'll admit you're setting off a few quiet alarms in my head!

I might be unfair, but when people push hard on the idea of only ever being ghosted, financially manipulated, and there being no mommies out there...It gets my guard up. Because often, very toxic or unhealthy behavior in subs or littles is sort of ignored, or accepted, and it really shouldn't be! And I'll admit, I wasn't the most healthy and mature participant in this community when I first got involved years ago, so I'm trying hard to not judge, but if you don't change your outlook and behavior, there's probably not much I can do or suggest to help!

That said: there are an astonishing number of people eager to take advantage of your needs and desperation, many who will probably ONLY have interest in your wallet and the like. The trick... isn't just in them. See, scammers and manipulators work by tricking you (or you being desperate enough) to ignore the many obvious red flags. Like, someone talking to you for 2 days, not knowing your real name, then insisting on knowing your address. Or, their entire blog is 4 days old and exclusively filled with the 10 easy to find posts tangentially related to your kinks... but they have no likes, no history, and their ability to communicate is shit.

THOSE people will immediately leave the second they no longer feel they'll have a good chance at scamming or manipulating. If something seems way too good to be true... it probably is. If a Dominant partner claims to be very well versed in BDSM, power dynamic relationships, and Ageplay... but jumps into offering you a new full time dynamic before even discussing SAFE WORDS or getting to know you? THAT SHOULD BE A SUPER CLEAR RED FLAG THAT THEY AREN'T A HEALTHY, REAL, SINCERE PERSON!!

So how did I get my momma princess and switch partner, @giggle-byte ? Well, first, don't forget that it's a two way street. Momma pursued me just as much as I pursued her. So step 1.... find someone who actually likes you. And SHOW OFF YOUR GOOD QUALITIES! Why would any domme or mommy want to care for a lazy, unkind, mean, demanding person? If you're just getting to know them and quickly start pushing for your kinks and desires to immediately be bowed to, you're probably not coming across in a good light.

Whether it's CG/L, BDSM, ABDL, ageplay, or just simple diaper fetishism, you need a partner who wants you, who sees your value, and enjoys you.. and you won't find that with random messages to 200+ online dommes in the hope that EVENTUALLY one'll fall in love with you. Instead, seek out actual meaningful connections with people, whether online or in person!

And my real best advice for avoiding toxic and fake mommies, findoms, and scammed is to focus on YOUR SAFETY AND SECURITY over getting off. If you truly can't tell if someone is a scammer... well, being honest, then online platforms to meet are a very bad idea for you. And if you need to know if someone is real or fake... recognize that a HEALTHY caregiver or dominant probably won't just jump into offering you a relationship (especially with strings attached), but a scammer or predatory findom probably will.

Good luck and I hope you find a way to get a happy and healthy dynamic, some day!

[joyboythehopepunk]

unlovable ramble

i would consider myself a spiritual person. and as someone who has seen a lot of suffering and wants to understand the human condition i have looked at ... a lot.

i have looked at history, cultures, and their ideologies. i have looked at science - medical, geographical, mathematics, etc

but it seems the blame ultimately lays with our circumstances - both inner and outer.

there are some things we have the power to change on an individual or collective level. there are other things that may always be out of reach.

like 100% control of oneself or one's environment 100% of the time.

saying "everything is suffering" so one must "detach" and so forth? it makes sense in that sort of hopeless way.

as someone who has wanted so desperately that I hurt myself? that it pushed people away? that i could see nothing else of value?

yes. i get it. i want so badly to stop wanting. for anything. to be dead seemed to me a sort of restful bliss i would only dream of.

because then i wouldn't have to deal with the fact that i am so heartbroken. that i am so hurt by what i've experienced that i see no hope for the genuine connection i seek. that i hold this thing on a pedestal when i may not even be able to savor or feel it..

my heart, my mind, my soul all feel the same way: it would hurt less to stop trying to be close to people.

it would be less painful to see myself as an unlovable monster than a broken human... if only because there are PLENTY of broken humans who receive love without chasing it. without wanting for it so badly.

idk. i'm tired.

detachment. attachment. it all matters how you do it, right? either way, i'm wrong. so.. it doesn't matter for me. there isn't anyone out there for me. not the one i'm looking for.

probably.

and if i rid myself of all my perceived flaws, what then? that will leave me where i started any way. searching for someone who doesn't exist.

ah. but i'm seeking enlightenment. so maybe love from others doesn't matter? (though it is untrue. i am sure there are people who love me or who are fond of me. i just... want the one person i'm looking for.)(no other relationship appeals to me)(i've always felt like that)(detached from people)(like there's not a real connection there)

ah. but i have to hide a whole half of my self for people to want to be around me. and do i want those sort of people? ofc i shouldn't. and i don't, really. but i have been alone a very long time. and i can't help but wonder "if everyone is hiding themselves this way, no wonder everyone is fucked"

there is this.. aspect of the culture that is very much about healing and growth and spirituality. but it is.. like virtue signalling. buzzwords. it's a vibe. consumerism. clout. a way to say you're "better". easily processed, easily done... instant gratification.

but this is digging into your unconscious, your subconscious, and conscious minds. this is re-creating yourself from the ground up.

maybe i'm the only one wrong here.

but if you can't be unhappy, if you can't express sadness/despair, anger etc. CAN'T.. then what are you doing but repressing? asking other people to fake? to hide their pain? why? that isn't how you heal - by ignoring a wound.

this has gone on long enough.

[somenerdfromwhatever]

Talent Drives The World - The four words that drive my passion.

Hi. This blog ain't dead! Last week, I heard of a subreddit called r/AutisticPride. It's a subreddit that promotes the idea of Autism Acceptance. I decided to take a the plunge of using my Reddit account to post on their sub. For those that don't use Reddit or stumble upon this by chance of the algorithm, here is my reddit post that I want to share here as well:

I have witnessed a lot more struggles than ever before within the autistic community. More so than ever. The challenges we all face in securing jobs, pursuing goals, and realizing dreams are all too real. Despite continuous efforts to seek acceptance, amplify our voices, and share our stories, society continues to hold onto organizations that undermine our messages and continue to spread ignorance about our community, leading to discrimination, ostracization, etc.

Some organizations, such as Autism Speaks, still persist despite the overwhelming evidence of their harm towards autistic individuals. These organizations are still operational. We had hoped that by now they would cease to exist, but their persistence and ongoing contribution to the harm they cause are truly mind-boggling.

I have spent this year, gunning and being out there to land my goal of working in the entertainment industry someday and at the same time made active efforts of getting that dream of working on my favorite show. That show in question if you've seen this profile, and my cosplays on social media... is Wednesday.

Very recently, I made a long video discussing how a certain cast of characters get treated in their small town, and I parallel it to the struggles we face! I explain my story, and share the connections to what we face on the day to day basis. If you know from seeing the show, these are the outcasts.

These harmful organizations like Autism Speaks that don't speak for us, discrimination, bullying, "cringe culture", etc. are sickening and it needs to stop. There is a reason why I said I am an outcast and that we are all outcasts in this world. Everyone on this planet is not normal, we are all unique, that is why we are all outcasts, and being an outcast is a good thing. We are all unique in this world, and humanity needs uniqueness to function. When it comes to us autistics, these same people never give us the time and day. They often fail to give us the recognition and opportunities we deserve.

The other reason why I made it, is to showcase my video editing skills in full display as a pitch to the industry just to say "hey, even us autistics have the talent! Hire us!". Even if my dream is falls through, my story and the talents I showcased in the video drive home the point of what I have done to chase this dream. I even talked to people on the project and told them about said video and what I have done. They applauded me being open, transparent, and downright passionate, recognizing my skills.

We need recognition for all of us. I heard that 85% of us autistics are unemployed. Even with the talents we got, we go unheard off. That needs to change. We need to be loud. We have the talents, why can't they just accept us for who we are? Why would companies choose to overlook such a vast pool of untapped talent of us autistics? Our voices, skills, and contributions deserve recognition, not dismissal, discrimination, and harm.

Keep in mind, those same companies treat accommodations like a bad thing. Accommodations are not a bad thing, and they should stop treating it like it is. They are essential to make society function. They need us now more then ever.

We just want to be heard in this world. Talent drives the world, we shouldn't be ignored over us being neurodivergent. We are needed in society, they need autistics like us to make their society stable and functional. They should stop ignoring us, and just accept us.

Talent drives the world. That is a sentence I will continue to fight for, and die on. We, as autistics, need to amplify that and make it known.

My reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AutisticPride/comments/187okr6/i_am_sick_of_people_and_organizations_ignoring/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

[aviquine]

What's the fun in writing fanfics and roleplay if you don't get to be real in depth and complex with the characters and the story? At least for me, crazy psychoanalysis is part of the fun and I like to put way too much thought into the behaviors and brains of characters both original and from media! AI will never be able to do that quite the same way. It gets pretty good at the form, sure, but not the substance. Not only that, but in regards to roleplay, you lose that special authenticity you get when roleplaying with people! It's a unique kind of connection that I'd argue is the most important part of roleplay; the shared passion and joy and excitement about creating stories together, because at the end of the day, that's what we humans do: make stories! Think about it. What would humankind be without our stories? Through music, words, dance, drawings, paintings, symbols.. it's all art, and it's all stories.

In some ways, it's exciting to see just how close we can get to bringing into existence an entity that just wants to create stories, too. That's the first thing we did with any sort of artificial intelligence: we taught it to sing, to write, to have its very own language, and welcomed it into our world.

But the tricky part became figuring out what sort of relationship we have with such an entity. Is it a tool? A toy? A pet? An object? A companion? A director? A teacher? An artist? An enemy, even? Maybe it's all of those things; Jack of all trades, master of none. Maybe we shouldn't be asking too much of such an entity, the same way we shouldn't be asking too much when training animals or disciplining children or teaching students. All we can do is guide, with patience and understanding. Otherwise, we exhaust not only them, but ourselves. We invite a kind of psychic exhaustion that makes us undermine what we ourselves are capable of. The only thing we can control is how much power we give to that nameless exhaustion.

What we created, at least in my opinion, is utterly fascinating. WE brought that entity into the world. Now it's time to respect its limits. When you make a friend, you set your boundaries, and you respect theirs. You don't try to mold a person into what you want them to be. Instead, you seek those qualities in someone else, while appreciating and loving everything that this new friend brings you. You can't be all things to all people, and neither can your friend. It's a gift to see just what kind of reality this friend creates; what stories they make; what you can both share. And isn't that exciting?

[an-amazing-ace]

Daily Blog!

Got into a bit of a scuff today, a little skirmish.

You see, these weird posters about knives have been popping up all over school lately, usually hand drawn on that big-ass canvas paper. Real shittily drawn. There are two kinds of knife posters: Don't Lick Knives, and Don't Catch a Knife. Real threatening shit, methinks. They're just trying to teach us about knife safety, I get it, but there has GOT to be a better way.

Except, that's NOT what they were trying to do. Because when I walked up to the school this morning, there were about thirty or so culinary students crowding the walkway that leads to the main entrance, with additional guards at every other entrance. They were giving people a simple choice: Try our shitty food, or catch a Knife. The posters had been explicit threats. The culinary kids are the only ones with access to knives at school, so now, they had all the power.

Not wanting to eat whatever was in those dripping, moist, brown paper bags, I attempted to walk inside the school, but of course, a lanky man wearing a white coat and hat (ratatouille style) stepped in front of me, kitchen blade handy. The tension was so thick you could, well, y'know.

I spoke up, knowing I had to strike first blood in what would come to be a thoroughly retarded conversation. "Grandma always said, never trust a skinny chef."

The lanky rat man sneered, like a rat, pointing his weapon towards me. "Don't body shame, you arrogant ass-tickler! Now, you are going to consume the Morsel, OAR ELSE!"

So, I withdrew the boating paddle named Else (like Frozen) from my trench coat. I swung, and the oar connected with his skull, producing a sound that I can only liken to the flatulence of a wooden robot. He was out cold.

Thirty Six knives, brandished in my direction. The would-be food-folk flew at me, slashing and twirling in some manner of elaborate dance. As I snatched Ratatouille's blade from the pavement, five gleaming steels came hurtling towards me, but were each parried in turn. They swarmed me, seeking to rend my flesh and sully the soil with my blood. Blades clashed, fluids splashed. I could hear Niel Ciciviagra's sweet voice in the sky, singing my ballad. I dealt no mortal wounds, but as scathed chefs fell the crumbling pavement, tendons severed, they knew this in their hearts: they would never again serve sweet succulence to the hungering masses.

Once I cleared the blood from my sick shades, there stood a man, clad in black. I had stained red the white cloths of my fallen enemies, bringing them to resemble my own fiery ensemble. But here stood the glum harbinger of worlds ended, adorned in the shadowy trappings of blood long dry; mori, made flesh.

He held an obsidian blade, so I knew that his hatred for my kind was purely theatrical, but as I am the truest of Theater kids, a theatrical murder would kill me in real life.

He raised his blade, forcing me, as a part time geologist, to share mine best humble factoid. "What a smooth blade... small crystals, must have cooled it rapidl-"

I was cut of, as the hooded, cloaked figure cut into me. He had appeared behind me, rendering a vicious stab. Under average happenstance, I'd have been killed. But as it happens, I was wearing my knife-proof jacket. The brittle blade crumbled upon my crimson, leathery hide (like Benny's Dick Crumblrsnatch).

"Impossible... I spent three days sharpening that blade... it was perfection!"

"Oh yeah? Tell that to my sweet-ass coat."

I really shouldn't talk so much during epic fight scenes, because a rather lengthy fillet blade came swooping towards my fat mouth (obese orifice, even). As the blade struck my tongue, it became lodged, but not because it was impaled. No, I KNEW there was something wrong about those posters. It's all propaganda; YOU CAN LICK KNIVES! And let's just say, I had been practicing.

I had flexed two individual taste buds at just the right nanosecond, catching the blade with my tongue. I yanked the dark one's blade from his hand, gulping it down whole, because I'm also a part-time sword swallower. I then spoke to him, enunciating my words perfectly despite my throat-knife, because theater kids are just goated like that.

"They didn't kick you off the baseball team because you're bad; you were gonna go pro. They kicked you off because of Shit Like This."

He pissed his pants, shit them, then began to bawl like an autistic baby strapped to a ceiling fan. As I made my way into the high school, I was greeted by thunderous applause.

And that's why they call me,

Doctor Awesome.

[wadewilsoniii]

There are manmade horrors beyond your comprehension taking place outside of fandom spaces and the internet. Horrible people are harming other real people every day. Being so down to die on the hill where no real people were placed in harm's path to produce content baffles me to no end. It May do harm to someone who has something as a trigger who finds morally complex content maybe. But they are responsible for managing their response and avoiding that content. I can be responsible for not showing it to them, of course, but I need to be asked to do so because I don't read minds and shouldn't be expected to scan everything I enjoy for every potentially morally reprehensible aspect that could be under the surface. I am not emotionally responsible for the rest of the world. I can't be. I have enough of my own problems and trauma to address. A fantasy that lets me work through problems in a way other people may not find morally acceptable isn't the worst thing happening in the world.

There's a really unhealthy expectation online these days that other people are emotionally responsible for you and your responses to things. It bleeds into how much we're expected to emotionally support each other regardless of the potential for harm to ourselves via neglecting our own emotional or physical needs. This behavior is so normalized that I think it has a very strong connection to this over moralization problem.

I am an adult who can logically understand how certain content that I enjoy may impact others, and the impact that fiction can have on reality. However, if we make the argument that violent video games, for example, can't be blamed for someone going out and doing something reprehensible with a gun, we can absolutely make the same argument about a lot of other content. You may not like that someone else may engage fictional content for something morally wrong in real life, and you're allowed to not like it! But a lot of problems are in the nicer things you might like, too. We can acknowledge those problems but not torment ourselves about them, right?

Some of the "worst" content out there is content made by people who were victims of some of the worst humans can do to each other. And I know there's an argument to be made that they're re-traumatizing themselves and that it's anti-recovery to engage these topics, but I staunchly disagree as a victim of many of those horrible injustices myself. I think that insisting someone is wrong for engaging content because you find its existence inherently problematic and accusing it of perpetuating and encouraging the problem is severely harmful.

Here's why.

When you go through abuse - ANY kind of abuse, a really huge and defining portion emotionally of going through that is the isolation. It brings to you this feeling of otherness. Both while it's happening, and after. The terrible things you went through were normalized for you, even if they were scary and hurt you really badly. When you try to talk about your experiences with the abuse you've gone through, people will make strange faces, say uncomfortable things that are meant to be comforting but just make you feel different and afraid of what happened to you again. People even often make comments that you're going to put your own abuse back into the world because, supposedly, abused individuals will repeat abusive behaviors - when really, they seek the abuse out again for that feeling of safety and familiarity even if it WAS scary. It was all they knew.

Personally I'm all for a concept called harm reduction. Having access to fictional morally questionable content allows us to see every facet of the world and how it works. We can't hide from the fact that these things exist. Abused people especially can't hide from it, they LIVED it. Having spaces where it's safe to engage these things is critical to healing, it isn't anti-recovery - it's PRO SAFETY. Fiction is a safe vehicle to process trauma. Going out to look for someone who might do the same thing to you is NOT a safe vehicle for that.

There's so much yelling online about how horrible content with certain topics in it is and god, there's things that disgust me too! There's things I want nothing to do with seeing, that I don't want to interact with or even know exists, but I also understand that there are some people who NEED that. Because otherwise they may not be safe. I want to argue that so much fandom discourse around how morally questionable media is handled horribly poorly and disregards the needs of abuse victims.

Some abuse victims don't feel the way that I do about this and that's okay! I know that it's scary to know there's people who are LOOKING for the awful things that happened to you in fiction. Maybe those people never even went through the kinds of things that are being depicted. Maybe it helps them to survive some other aspect of their life. Maybe they don't need a reason and maybe you don't need to know it, but protecting yourself when you know something can hurt you shouldn't be the responsibility of other abuse victims. And making other abuse victims feel like they're putting their own pain back into the world and hurting others with it and making them afraid of the pain that happened to them, making them cry, and panic, and force themselves to repress their own feelings or needs to make the rest of the world comfortable with them? That's wrong. That's reinforcing the otherness. That's making us afraid that we're the very evil we fear, and then making us live KNOWING we are, because all the yelling insists that we are.

I get that there's a lot of other nuance to it, and I know these issues are complicated and bring up a lot of negative feelings for a lot of people, and I absolutely encourage everyone to always consume media critically and thoughtfully, but to remove the reality of horribleness from media, or to shame someone for making the horribleness of their own abuse into something less scary (even if it's romanticizing something terrible), or even to shame people for making content that makes those things less scary is not the way to do it. We live in a scary world, guys. Let people take comfort where they can find it and stay away from the stuff you don't like. Ask for things to be spoilered, tagged, handled respectfully, or not placed in your space to protect yourself if need be, but do not call other people names or gaslight them or attack them because you don't like things.

We're living in scary enough times without having to be afraid one wrong post or fanfiction left open on your desktop could lead to being screamed at for weeks, or months, or even years. We don't need to put more fear into the world. If you're really worried about the moral horribleness of things, you should worry about why that content existed in the first place. Donate to outreach groups, participate in events that help real victims of abuse. Do things to help people offline who are being harmed or who may be harmed by real actions outside of fiction. Watch for people who are interacting with other people inappropriately and handle them appropriately. Don't assume just because someone likes something you find morally wrong that that they ARE the evil. Assume the evil happened to them. Watch how they treat other people and if they ARE putting the evil back into the world then deal with it appropriately. Put in effort where it will really be helping another person instead of effort where it makes abuse victims afraid of themselves.

Moralizing everything to this degree is harmful and unsustainable just like OP said.

Whenever people try to tell me to ship "moral ships" I like to think about how inherently immoral it is to flirt with service workers at coffee shops where they're obliged to be nice to you so... many coffee shop AUs are like. Immoral. But given that they are a fantasy where this is instant romance without the fear of trapping a service worker in an uncomfortable situation that's tantamount to workplace sexual harassment, I enjoy the cutesy coffee shop AUs immensely.

And that's basically my attitude towards all fantasy. There's lots of things I enjoy in fantasy that wouldn't work IRL. Enemies to lovers. Sudden kisses. Miscommunications in relationships. Codependency. Fight sluts who physically assault each other while emotionally connecting.

Once you start ascribing your morals to the fiction you consume, you tend to miss the issues in even the most innocuous, innocent seeming scenarios. It's easy to judge other people's fictional enjoyment until someone points out your innocent coffee shop AU is romanticised workplace harassment.

But it's all fiction. It's a fantasy. That's why it's fine.

A lack of education around things like consent, healthy relationships, self respect and respect of others, bodily autonomy, etc, has made people think they can rely only on fiction to tell them what right - but that's dangerous. And unsustainable.

[hiriajuu-suffering]

Mubaraki

Eid is at the end of the week, and my Ramadan has been all about self-reflection. Why I keep struggling to finish the things I set out to do, why I give so effortlessly but have so much trouble asking for help, why I identify with communities and movements that I have yet to open any substantial doors for me. I'm a nitpicky altruist because I'm not sure what else to be.

I think this is the least certainty I've felt in life since the last time I was inching towards graduation 7 1/2 years ago. Every end marks a new beginning, and I just have to find a financially productive way to be fulfilled again: that's all there is to it. I've always worked hard, but I'm sick of working hard and struggling. I just want to feel, for once, I belong where I am and what I'm trying to do. Not having to fight all the time to make a way for myself.

The only aspect of my personhood that makes me feel like I have a place in this world is my connection with Allah. In every other setting, especially on this plane of existence, I'm always an outsider. The last time I really had any sense of belonging was the 4th grade, a whole person that can drink ago. I miss M.Z.A. and N.R.L. so much - at least who they were to me back then. My entire understanding of friendship and what it means to really feel comfortable around others were who we were as kids. Now, I'd be lucky if I got a matured version of a glimpse of us back then.

So God sets my purpose and vocation. I trust my soul to guide me because my heart is scarcely accepted anywhere, and I keep finding my mind and body are just tools are other people are seeking to use for their own gain.

Probably the real reason this song got added to my playlist, tbh, is just that.

What both my major depressive episodes took away from me most was not my ability to function or even time I could've used to progress in life, it took some of my best friends away from me because they didn't know how to reach me. I botched my chances with a childhood friend and someone who could've changed my entire perspective on sexual racism because I was so unwell. Coming to terms with who I was in those dark times was some of the hardest mental challenges I ever had to face, but accepting that aspect of myself meant holding myself back from becoming so overly invested in everything I started to fear risking myself to try to carve purpose of my own will, so I just let my faith light the path the past decade.

I need to evoke the power in my soul again, because I need to save myself from my own complacency. I've accepted the misery of complacency as my reality, and it shouldn't have to be that way. My progress shouldn't keep getting stepped on by every little thing that might open up the door to losing my composure again.

I just hope, when I'm on the flight to ACen in a month, I feel like I'm going in a direction that makes sense to me again.

[sometipsygnostalgic]

Okay about how long did Entrapta and Hordak know each other as in personally interacting. They met on s2 after Catra told Entrapta to stay away from Hordak. From then since Catra getting sentenced to death it was how long, a week? Then the entire season 3 takes place within idk, a couple of days?

I just consider this fact when people say that they're gonna like totally get married now that they reunited. Same with Scorfuma.

Ehhhh

I dont give a shit about characters getting married

Theres nothing more alienating for a single 26 year old than thinking about dozens of people younger than you getting married

As for how long they knew each other, I can actually give you a pretty good timeline

"Huntara", the ep where they actually became friends for real and Hordak got his armor change, that was 135 days after they started working together in "Signals". Then give it a couple of weeks before "Moment of Truth".

Beast Island was AT LEAST six months bare minimum, Prime's Invasion (the time Scorpia and Perfuma knew each other) was 3 months bare minimum, both were most likely longer.

It's hard to estimate. Some stories take place a couple eps apart, like "The Sword" and "Flowers for She-ra", and then Adora will try to use a code that "hasn't been in use for MONTHS" and that's supposed to imply shes been gone for months?

But yeah with Entrapta and Hordak in particular they absolutely spent more time ripped apart than working together. They were only just figuring out the shape of their friendship. Scorpia and Perfuma were also ripped apart before they could make sense of what their relationship was either.

But I actually really like that, because these characters were impacted so strongly by that brief time they were connecting, it had basically changed them. They both try to go back to how things were before they became friends - Entrapta isolating herself with tech in the portal and on the island, Hordak hiding in his lab then trying to be a good boy for Prime - and they can't stand it. By their standards it would've been bliss for them at the start of the show, but now it feels so empty. And even though they have painful reason to believe their friendship was fake, or it’s an obstruction in the way of greater plans, they can’t let it go. They spend the rest of the show trying to connect with other people (Bow, Catra), and seeking each other out. They don't need to know what their connection is in order to understand it's there.

As for Perfuma and Scorpia, what I really love about this relationship is Perfuma can see the value in Scorpia that nobody else really acknowledged before. Yeah, Scorpia was loved by Catra and Entrapta, but those two weren't able to---- okay maybe I shouldn't have mentioned them because I'm actually angry at Scorpia's lack of good interactions with them in season 5. But my point is that Perfuma was put-together and assertive enough to be the missing half of Scorpia, to REALLY support her and give her encouragement for how hard she's been working for her friends this whole time. And likewise, Scorpia is the symbol of tolerance and love that had been missing from Perfuma. 

So yeah, as "undefined" as these relationships are, theyre still really good. I can see why everyone would jump on them.

I mean, you also have word of god pairing them together, what can people say against that? Of course the fans will ship them if the Showrunner is suggesting they hook up. Not that I'm particularly interested in Word of God since it can be bad, wrong, and overruled.

[macandriley]

5x10 – A Very MacRiley "Analysis"

Well, I definitely didn't expect to be making another AVMA post, but I am a woman of my word.

Below the cut, I will be discussing last night's episode of MacGyver (2016) titled "Diamond + Quake + Carbon + Comms + Tower"—particularly in reference to the relationship between Mac and Riley (with mentions of Mac x Desi as well).

So if you haven't seen it yet, do be aware: this post contains spoilers.

Without further adieu, let's get into it.

The Cold Open

Here we see Mad Scientist Mac tooling around in his kitchen, rambling about pressurized carbon and diamonds. I won't bore you by going into details, but I will give a brief rundown:

Bozer walks in.

Bozer is weirded out by Mac's strange behavior.

Mac reveals he intends to propose to Desi with a diamond he cooked up in a box (side note: I am so here for conflict free genius diamonds).

But I digress.

I won't lie and say this entire thing was surprising. The intended proposal was a touch predictable; everyone on Twitter had been hypothesizing about it for weeks before the episode even aired.

Still, when I heard those words come out of Mac's mouth, my heart absolutely shattered.

I pictured a wedding. Having to watch them say I do while Riley stood off to the side.

And then logic set in.

Why on God's green earth would this man want to marry a woman he's only really been on good terms with for a few weeks? Why would he want to take that next step when she's been so hesitant to even call him her boyfriend?

Well, Mac himself said it best. "Ever since I lost my dad and Jack, I've been thinking about the bigger picture. And a commitment to make things work is exactly what Desi and I need."

Problem One

As Mac said, this newfound craving for marriage does not come from a genuine desire to take that next step. It's influenced by loss. By grief.

Which isn't inherently an issue. Mortality is a great motivator for soul-searching and self-discovery.

However, when it comes to matters of the heart, acting out of grief can often be more detrimental than helpful. It can cause you to cling to what you have left, sometimes in ways that are unhealthy.

Which brings me to:

Problem Two

Mac clearly does not view marriage with Desi as something he truly wants. As an act of love or genuine devotion.

To him, it seems more like a desire to force things to work. Like a business contract. "If we're married, we have no choice but to talk it out."

Which makes sense when you consider that, in 4x04, Mac admitted he and Desi were clinging to the familiar instead of actual substance. He wants to make it work because the alternative is being alone.

And to be frank, that doesn't frame MacDesi in a very good light at all.

I Probably Shouldn't Tell You This

Before Mac, Riley, and Desi are sent off on their mission to Mexico City, Bozer pulls Riley aside and, presumably, tells her about Mac's intentions to marry Desi.

I won't go into detail on that here, but it's important to later scenes, so I felt it deserved a mention for that reason alone.

Plus, it only further confirms, at least in my mind, that Riley still has enough feelings for Mac for Bozer would worry about her. So...a win?

Got A Secret, Can You Keep It?

After Mac runs off to play Murdoc's little game, Riley and Desi follow him. One thing leads to another, and the trio winds up on the roof of a skyscraper, unable to unlock the doors and get back inside.

Cornered, they are absolutely at Murdoc's mercy.

So what does this glorious psychopath do?

He tells Mac the one thing he has never been able to figure out on his own. That Riley had feelings for him and buried them deep, deep down. That having to watch him and Desi was genuinely hurting her.

I love this scene for several reasons. The most important of them being: I really don't think either of them would have said anything if Murdoc hadn't done this.

They are both so self-sacrificing. So willing to give up their happiness so that they won't get in the way of other people's' joy.

Getting that little push opened them both up to experiencing feelings they'd previously denied. Which is super important for people like them, who don't have a lot of experience with touchy-feely type situations.

And the best part?

I think Desi truly realized all of that. She wasn't mad. She wasn't bitter. She saw this happen, realized the lengths Riley went to to protect her feelings, and accepted it. She refused to let them be distracted by it, and looked after Ri like a real teammate would.

Her not holding that against them isn't something I would have expected way back when this season first started. But you could really see that, as much as she probably didn't enjoy hearing that, she understood it.

Sidebar - Desi

While I think the shift in Desi's character is abrupt and I would've preferred a more transformative storyline, I'm honestly not mad about how they're writing her.

If this continues to be how she's written, and it all remains consistent, I can personally overlook the sudden shift in behavior for her.

Because honestly, Peter Lenkov was a dick, and I can get not wanting to continue on with the toxicity he injected into D for even a moment.

Hug It Out

When all is said and done, Mac lets Riley know that they don't have to talk about it. Which is super considerate, if a little obnoxious.

She, being the wise and tired babie she is, decides it's best to be honest. So she explains what happened in Germany. And finally, after months of waiting, it's all laid out in the open. Just like that.

There is not much to analyze in this scene other than the hug itself.

Riley shuts her eyes, holding onto him like she can't quite believe he's real and Mac sighs, because god, he did not expect for his day to go like this. And he definitely didn't think he'd feel so oddly satisfied that it did.

So they just stand there, rocking slightly, comforted by each other's embrace.

The only word that came to mind when watching it go down for the first time was: safe. They almost looked like they were at home in each other's arms. At peace.

And as someone who has loved these two deeply since season one, it's so heartwarming to see them have that kind of connection with someone. Even more so to see them find it in each other.

Knock Knock. Who's There?

Mac. That's who.

Late at night, after contemplating his proposal again (boy, why?), we see Mac leave his house. He shows up at an apartment building, knocks on a door, and...

Oh look, it's Riley's place.

She's shocked.

He asks if her feelings are really gone.

And...cut to black.

I am not foolish enough to assume this will be easy. It's entirely possible she'll lie and say she's over him to uncomplicate things.

But this is the closest we have ever been to canonization. And I think it speaks volumes that Mac is the one making the first move.

We don't often get to see the more emotional aspects of this show through his point of view. It's usually the people around him who are allowed to feel things, and him who deals with the aftermath.

Yet here we are. He was the one to seek out Riley. To take the leap.

And I think that speaks a lot to his own emotional growth.

In Conclusion

Monica Macer is the bait and switch queen. 5x10 was an emotional ride I did not ask to go on, but I'm pleasantly surprised by the final destination.

Here's hoping I can write another one of these after 5x11.

[thebookreader12345]

750 Followers Celebration - Q&A

Thank you so much for supporting me through this journey! You guys don't know how much this means to me. Every single one of you is amazing.

Below the cut are my answers to the questions that you all submitted.

Q: Do you think Jay is going to become Sergeant this season? A: There has been a lot of debate over this question because of the past few seasons and all of the "Easter eggs", like the sergeant exam poster hanging in the background of the show. In my opinion, I do not believe Jay will become Sergeant. Yet. I think it won't be until the beginning of next season because, if this is a possible storyline, I would expect that the producers and writers would make the finale of season 9 about Voight stepping down/getting promoted, etc.

Q: Did Chicago Justice deserve more episodes? A: I'm sort of split with this question. I loved the fact that there was a big episode involving Kevin, and they always included people from Med, Fire, and PD in some of the episodes. However, the whole plot of the episodes was kind of slow because it wasn't like they were police officers and could go out and chase suspects and arrest people and what not. Their job was just to gather the evidence and then present it in court. I think for many, the show fell flat because there wasn't much action, and part of me does agree with that, but the whole idea of the show itself was kind of cool.

Q: What would make you stop watching each Chicago show? A: This is a tough question because I've only ever dropped one show that I can think of, and it was only because the plotline got really dumb. Maybe if some major characters died in each show I'd stop watching it? But then again, I love the One Chicago universe so much that I don't think even that would stop me from watching. So yeah. I really don't know.

Q: Do you believe in magic? A: As much as I would love for magic to be real, I don't believe it is. But I feel like everyone thinks that way. Cause lets be honest, Harry Potter and Disney make magic look so cool. However, we all know deep down somewhere that it's almost impossible for certain things to be real, and magic just so happens to be one of them.

Q: Are you superstitious? A: I'm not the most superstitious person out there, but I do somewhat follow a few superstitions. Whenever I find a penny on the ground with heads facing up, I pick it up because I believe I'll get good luck. Doing the whole "fingers crossed" thing is something I do a lot. I believe you shouldn't open an umbrella in the house or else you'll receive bad luck. Broken mirrors are bad omens. Those are the top 4 I believe in, but other than that, I'm not really too superstitious.

Q: Is your perception of yourself similar or the same to how others perceive you? A: I mean, I would hope so. I appreciate my level of smarts, and whenever my friends acknowledge them or compliment me on them it makes my day. However, with that, people think that I'm always only doing things to boost my intelligence. For example, I love to read. So whenever I say that I didn't do much over the weekend, people always assume that I read a bunch, when I really didn't. Or that I always study for tests or do homework like a week before it's do. That is not the case. But for the most part, I believe my perception of myself is the same as how other people perceive me.

Q: Who is your favorite couple on each One Chicago show? A: Okay, so for Med, there aren't really any couples at the moment besides Maggie and Ben, whom I love but they aren't my favorite, so I'm gonna pick a past couple. When I first started Med, Manstead was my prime ship, so I'll choose them. Will had been pining after Natalie for so long so I was glad when they finally got together. For Fire, it's gotta be Kelly and Stella. They were literally made for each other, and they support each other with everything. Also, they are so cute together and all of Firehouse 51 ships them as well! And for PD, while I do love Burzek, Upstead is my favorite ship at the moment. I've seen the connection between Hailey and Jay since season 5. You don't understand how angry I was in season 7 when Hailey was so close to confessing her feelings. So season 8 made me very happy when Jay and Hailey finally got together.

Q: Jay and Lindsey or Jay and Hailey? A: I respect everyone's opinions on this matter, so hopefully you all respect mine. I thought that Erin was almost toxic in a way for Jay. She continuously broke his heart when all he wanted to do was help him. But what really does it for me is that she left Chicago without telling him goodbye. Hailey, on the other hand, has pushed Jay to seek out help when he needed it, like when she recommended he take seeing a therapist seriously to help with his PTSD, and she is always there for him, no matter what. That's why I believe Hailey and Jay are the better pairing.

Q: Which character death got to you the most? A: There have been too many sad deaths in the One Chicago world. But if I had to pick one, I've gotta go with Otis on Chicago Fire. Otis was always one of my favorite characters, even way back when I watched Fire with my dad when it was first coming out. He was witty and funny, and his friendship with Cruz was everything. So, when I watched the episode where he died, I was full on balling. I had to pause the episode for 10 minutes because I couldn't stop.

Q: Who is your favorite character on each show and why? A: I'm gonna do favorite male and female character because I've got too many favorites from each show. On Med, my favorites are Will and Natalie. Will has been my favorite since day one, and I like that he will go out of his way to help patients, even if it means he could get in serious trouble. Natalie, even though she's not in the show, always pushes for the best of care for her patients, and whenever she dealt with kids it was always the sweetest thing. On Fire, I like Kelly and Sylvie. Kelly is so headstrong and driven, and he will do anything to protect the other members of Squad 3. Sylvie is such a hard worker and you can tell she is passionate about her job. I feel so bad that she's had to go through so many partners. On PD I love Jay and Hailey. Jay has not always been my favorite male character. Back when I watched the show for the first time, I adored Adam. However, I love that Jay has such good morals and is always pushing to do the right thing even when Voight disagreed. Now, it took a few episodes for me to warm up to Hailey, but after seeing her be so badass, it was hard not to like her.

Q: Where do you get inspiration for your stories?/How do you get inspiration when there's not a request? A: This question is always hard to answer because I really don't know. Most of the time I'm fulfilling requests sent in by you guys and I just write what comes to the top of my mind. If there are requests that are not requested and I come up with them on my own, chances are I saw the plot somewhere else, like in a book or show or movie, and I just tweaked it a bit to fit the One Chicago universe. Either that happens, or while I'm trying to fall asleep, I make up random scenarios in my head, and if I find one that I really like, I'll make a note of it on my phone so I don't forget it, and then I'll write about it.

Q: Do you think Brett and Casey are endgame? Why or why not? A: I'm gonna go with yes on this one. Now, Brettsey is not one of my top ships in the universe. However, they are cute together, and I've been expecting them to get together for a while. The two of them, even when Gabby was around, had a great relationship and always cared for each other. Plus, Matt jumped out of a firetruck to go help Sylvie when the ambulance flipped. He was willing to risk an injury just to make sure she was okay. And now that they are officially together in Chicago Fire, you can see that they really love and care for each other.

Q: What inspired you to start writing? A: I always seem to get this question whenever I do a q&a, but that's okay because I don't mind talking about it. I first got into stuff like this as a reader. Basically, I went on to Wattpad and Tumblr to read other people's stories. I had no intention of creating my own. And then, one day, I started imagining myself in some of the fandoms I was apart of, and I thought, "If I'm imagining myself in these fandoms, chances are others are too," and I began creating stories that followed the plots of movies and shows exactly, just adding Y/n in it. However, that got tiring after a while because I wasn't able to have much freedom because I was following a set script, and that's when I remembered I had a Tumblr account I never used. So, I revamped my account just a little bit and started posting story ideas I had that I couldn't post on Wattpad because either they didn't fit with the stories or they were for someone I didn't write for on Wattpad. And now, here we are. For anyone interested, I've posted this before but I'll post it again, my Wattpad handle is @Writer_Reader05.

Q: Jay or Will Halstead? A: I'm sorry, but I really can't choose between the two of them. I love them both so much. Will and Jay are two of my favorite characters in the whole One Chicago universe. While they do have some qualities that I'm not the fondest of, at the end of the day, I adore the both of them, and I could never choose between them.

Q: Who would you rather date: Jay or Will Halstead? A: Why do you guys do this to me? I love them both so much! But, if I have to choose, I'm gonna pick Jay. The only reason is because I like the characters in PD more than Med, so if I'm dating Jay, chances are I'm friends with Hailey and Adam and all of Intelligence. Will is just as awesome as Jay though and I feel like sometimes people sleep on that.

Q: Which of the requested fics you’ve written is your favorite? A: I think I'm gonna have to go with a Jay Halstead x reader I wrote titled Two Becomes Three. Something about the plot just makes me smile. And to think of Jay being a father......So yeah, while I have so many amazing requested fics thanks to you all, that one has to be one of my favorites.

Q: What’s your favorite series you’ve written so far? A: I love all of the series I have written. Something about creating a whole story that's more than just one part is always fun. If I have to pick one series, I'm gonna pick On the Loose. It was the first series I wrote on Tumblr and the plot of it is something I'm really proud of. However, From the Big Apple to the Windy City, Identity Loss, and Difference of Opinion are all amazing! The first two are finished series and the last one still has a few chapters left to go. Go check them out if you haven't already.

Q: What's your favorite imagine you've come up with and why? A: I don't have a lot of fics that are solely my ideas. Most of my stories have plots that were sent in by you all. However, if I had to pick a favorite out of my stories, it'd be Back Home for Christmas, a Halstead Sister fic I released when I was somewhat new to the platform. Something about writing sibling fics always makes me happy because I get to express the familial side to the characters.

Q: If you had to be roommates with 5 of your mutuals/fellow writers, who would you pick and why? A: I love all of my fellow writers/mutuals so much! I know how much work we put into whatever we post, and most of us are very active on this site. As for who I would pick to be my roommates, I'd choose @hereforhalstead @fighterkimburgess @halsteadlover @resanoona @sylviebrettsey because I feel like we'd all have great conversations, mainly over One Chicago. And every Wednesday night we'd all watch the episodes live together and experience them as a group and then freak out over what happened..........Now watch me fantasize about this all day.

Q: Do you listen to music when you write? A: It depends. On some days when I plan that I'm gonna write, then yes, I do put on some music. When there are days that I have a few minutes to spare, I don't put on music just because I'm only writing for a few minutes and I don't want to waste time. But mostly when I'm writing I do play music in the background.

Q: Do you know how your fics/stories end before you finish writing it? A: This is a really interesting question. The answer is no, I do not know how I'm gonna end a fic before I finish writing it. The only story I had a set ending for was my series On the Loose, but that one wasn't even fully planned out until I got a chapter or two in. Obviously, if I get a request that includes a set ending, like two characters get together or something like that, then I know what the ending will be. Otherwise, I have no clue.

Q: Have you ever met someone who had a very similar personality to your own? Did you get along? A: You know, I can't say that I have. Everyone is different in their own way, and that's what makes us all unique. I would imagine if I did meet someone with a similar personality we'd get along because we'd basically be a carbon copy of each other, but who knows. Maybe our similar personalities would cause us to clash.

Q: Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? A: Not really. I know myself more than anyone else so I know what my limits are and when I've reached them. With people, on the other hand, I always feel like they can be doing more with themselves and their lives. So I do not hold myself to higher standards than others.

Thank you to all of you who sent in questions! I never thought I'd reach 750 followers on this platform. The only reason I have is all thanks to you wonderful people out there!

@winterberryfox @maximeevansblog @scarletsoldierrr @i-like-sparkly-things @dreamingmanip @soph0864 @ryliegh8 @lorenakaspersen @wanniiieeee @nevertoofarfromivar @securityfriendly-jay @pinkbay-love @stephie123

[hollanderfangirl]

Let me go |Harry Holland|

Pairing: Harry Holland x Therapist! Reader

A/N: so I'm not a therapist and I've never been to therapy, well if you don't consider the sessions with my psychology teacher. All of what I've written comes from what I've learnt in psychology class, reading books and listening to other people's experiences.

Warnings: talk about death, panic attack and it's just really sad

Word count: 3.3k, this is my longest fic yet :)

(Sorry for the shitty moodboard I just had to post this fic or I would have lost my mind)

Harry Holland walked through the halls of the clinic, not really sure why he was here. Well he knew why he had come to see a therapist but he wondered how he put himself in this situation. He had been locking himself inside a glass cave built out of hopelessness for months, his friends and family were greatly concerned about him but he refused to take any help. He had always been stubborn, he never asked for anybody's help. He hated the look of pity on people's faces. He hated people showing him sympathy. He was more than this. He didn't need anybody. He can pull himself together, he just needed time.

But it wasn't helping. Burying your feelings in has never helped anybody. Putting on a smile everyday in front of people and crying himself to sleep, Harry found it more and more difficult. His mum had sensed it and told him to go and see a doctor. He had resisted it at first. 

"Please do it for me, Harry. I cannot see you like this, at least for my satisfaction," Nikki had said. "Just go for a trial session and if you like it then you can continue," but of course he wasn't going to continue. 

Now as he stood in front of the receptionist, he was reconsidering his decision. 

"Yes, do you have an appointment, sir?" 

"Huh?" he seemed lost. "Yeah..yeah" 

"Just wait here, I'll inform Dr Y/l/n" 

"Your know what, cancel the appointment. I- I don't need help" 

"Oh but this is just a trial, Mr Holland" 

"Yeah but I don't-" the receptionist was already at the door, muttering something to the woman inside. 

You step outside to see a curly headed man, he looked pleasant but his eyes looked sad. Those were the eyes of a person who had seen immense grief, someone who had been miserable for a long long time. 

"I'm sorry but I don't need therapy… I didn't realise this before, I -I shouldn't have come here" 

"Oh Mr Holland, this is just a trial right? Let's just have some coffee. This isn't therapy yet" you smile at him. 

"No I really-" 

"Okay then, give me half an hour. If you still feel the same way, then you can leave. Half an hour is all I want from you, Mr Holland" 

"Alright" 

You lead him into your chamber, closing the door behind you. He sits down on a couch across from you, your desk separating you both. The first step of therapy- resistance. People always resist therapy at first, they feel like they don't need the help or maybe seeking help makes them weak. They don't feel like opening up to a complete stranger. How can they? How can they open up their most vulnerable state to a person who they barely know? But slowly and steadily, a rapport is made. A therapist has to be very careful and empathetic. They have to be trusting. Someone who people can turn to. Someone who they can relate to. Someone who understands them. Someone who would just listen. 

"So, your mother sent you here. Right, Mr Holland?" 

"Just- just call me Harry" 

"Okay then Harry, tell me" 

"What do you want me to tell you?" 

"Everything. Start from the beginning" 

"Well I- do you… do you really think I would-" he hesitates. "Who do you think you are? Why do you think I should pay you to listen to my goddamn life story here?" 

"You're not here to tell me your life story," you say politely. "I'm here to help you and I can do that only if you would let me" 

"Well guess what? You cannot help me, I knew I was wasting my time," he gets up and starts to walk away. 

"I asked for half an hour of your time, Harry" 

"Well I don't fucking care" 

"Harry, please listen to me. All I ask is half an hour" 

Little did he know, this half an hour was going to change his life. 

Something about your tone made him stay. He sat back down on the couch, turning away from you. 

"Okay, so if you're not going to talk, I will," you sigh. "So, you have suffered a great loss, someone you loved dearly?" 

"Yes," he still didn't look you in the eye. 

"Who was it?" 

"My…my friend. Girlfriend" 

"And when did this happen?" 

"A year ago" 

"How have you been holding up?" 

He thought of giving another vague answer. How the fuck do you think I'm holding up? I'm fucking dying every single day. 

"Uh- it's been a little better, I guess. It's not as bad as it used to be" 

"Well that's a start. And do you still think about her?" 

Every goddamn minute, lady. What do you want from me? "Yeah sometimes" 

"And how have you been sleeping?" 

I can't sleep. I haven't slept properly for months. If I sleep I see her coming back to me. "Alright I guess" 

This wasn't going anywhere. You thought of recommending him another doctor but something about him charmed you. He was a man who should have been living a great life but his grief was tearing him apart. You had to help him. You felt a strong connection to him, you felt determined. No, I have to help him. I just have to.

"Harry, do you feel like you're responsible for your girlfriend's death?" it was a straightforward question, you had been trying to get something out of him but he wasn't ready to. 

He looked at you dead in the eye, yet could not get any words out. You could sense the anger building up inside him but it wasn't projected at you, he was angry with himself. 

"I….. " he took a few deep breaths, clenching his hands into fists. "Yes" 

"Why is that so?" 

"Fucking hell! Are you for real? She died, okay? And I wasn't there… I wasn't there.. " he was tearing up. "I should have been the one to die! Not her! Not anybody! Everyone just leaves me in the end!" he was full on shouting, letting out everything he had been holding inside himself for a whole year. He had tears in his eyes.

You handed him a box of tissues and he was gasping for breath. When he had calmed down, you both sat in silence for a few minutes. 

"You know, Harry, my friend died the day we had a fight. She was my best friend. I knew her ever since we were three. It was a silly argument. We should not have fought about it. But we did and I told her I wished she would just go away… and then she did" it was painful for you to remember this, but time does heal everything. 

"I'm sorry," his voice was low. "And I'm sorry for all those things I said" 

"No it's alright, that's what you're here for. And besides, it's nothing compared to your loss, Harry" 

"No. It- it's not a competition. Suffering is not a competition. It must've been really hard for you, Dr y/l/n," this was the first time he had addressed you. 

"Call me y/n," you smile at him. "And yeah that's very true. We often blame ourselves, you know, it's very common. We cannot be angry at them so we get angry with ourselves. Even though we know deep in our hearts that there was nothing we could have done" 

There was a long silence. 

"She went out for a drive, that bastard drunk driver," he spoke up. "And I was just resting. She asked me so many times to join her but I wanted to sleep" 

You nod at him and he continued. "That's…the reason I'm not able to sleep. Every night I close my eyes, I think I'll wake up to that phone call" 

"Well yes I don't blame you, our brains sometimes don't process things that come as a shock. And then it just keeps on haunting us forever. Do you believe in life after death, Harry?" 

"Well I don't know what to believe" 

"Have you- felt her? After she was gone?" 

"You'll think I'm crazy" 

"I'm a therapist, it'll take you much more than that to convince me you're crazy" 

"I sometimes talk to her. Like what would she think about this particular situation. Or just that I miss her so much. I don't get any responses but I just try to think like her?" 

"Yeah, that's quite normal actually. People think they need to 'get over' someone's death. But that's not true. You can never really get over something like death" 

"And what does getting over even mean? Like you just forget them? Moving on with your life just means that you think they were never a part of it" 

"Well you're both right and wrong. Yes we must remember our loved ones who are not with us anymore but at the same time, we have to let them go" 

"How? It's too painful" 

"I know. But do you believe in the concept of souls, Harry?" 

"Yeah I mean," he shrugs. 

"The soul is considered to be immortal. And groups of souls tend to travel together. Even if you don't know it, some way, somehow, they're always with us" 

He says nothing but his eyes looked softer now. 

"And just think about it, think of her seeing you like this. Do you think she could have handled you being so miserable?" 

"She would have been heartbroken" 

"Exactly. So do it for her, for yourself. For both of you to feel peace again" 

"Yeah" 

You look at your watch. Half an hour was up. 

"So, Harry. Your half an hour is up. Is there anything else?" 

"Yes, um we can talk about it in our next session?" 

You smile at him. "Of course" 

                          ----------------

After that one half an hour session, Harry was a changed man. He was still mourning, he was still miserable but he had hope. For the first time in a long time, he thought he could actually go on with his life, he could finally feel peace.

The week went by smoothly. Harry tried to make himself busy, by surrounding himself with people and always working. He was still getting nightmares but he was determined to sleep. He was sleeping light, afraid of what deep sleep might show him.

Meanwhile your life was exactly the same, you went on with your day treating people, talking, helping them. You loved your job, you loved the sense of satisfaction you got after patients they told you they were finally better. Every person was a challenge, and you knew there was a gem hidden inside every one of them. All of them had immense potential but life hadn't been kind to them. You felt disturbed and it broke your heart to see people hurting. And you would do anything to make it better for them. To help them.

You couldn’t keep Harry out of your mind. You were thinking about him all day long, awaiting your next session with him. What if he cancels? What can I do if he does? Why am I thinking about him? He had this air around him, a magnetic pull, which was pulling your closer and closer towards him. And why is he so damn attractive? No I should not think about him that way. It was the first and foremost rule of your profession. Never get emotionally attached with your clients. It was a professional relationship and must remain that way.

When he came into your office the following week, you could sense the change in him. You felt proud that a single session made such a difference. There was no arrogance in him, he didn’t seem angry anymore. He was calm and better.

“So, Harry. How was your week?”

“It was good, I’ve been shooting my new short film and it’s coming out to be okay so far”

“Alright and how have you been sleeping?”

“Not that good to be honest. I still get dreams, uh bad dreams”

“What do you see in these dreams?”

“I see the accident scene….again and again, it’s the same dream. Sometimes I see her, she talks to me and all that”

“Hmm and have you talked to your family? Your friends?”

“Yeah I talked to my mum…and my brother”

“What did they say?”

“They said they are here for me and will always love me”

“Yes and I don’t doubt that, Harry. You have a lot of people in your life who love and support you. Embrace that”

The session went by smoothly, he opened up to you about his life, everything about the girl he loved so much. About his family, his career. You found yourself staring at him, taking glances at his hands which he constantly moved while he talked. You noticed he was shaking his leg the whole time. Stop staring, y/n.

Wow she’s so beautiful. And thoughtful. And funny and understanding. What am I doing? She’s my therapist….but…why couldn’t I have met her before? Why didn’t I meet her when I was normal? Would things have been different? But then again, I would have never met her if I was normal.

Things seemed to get better, as the weeks progressed, Harry was becoming more and more like his old self again. But there was a feeling of regret, he thought this was wrong as if he were forgetting her. But you were there to guide him, to tell him that this is what life is. It never stops. No matter what happens, you will heal. Someday, sometime. And each day we progress towards it.

And then it happened. The call came at 1 am in the morning. You were sleeping and you were tired, you had been working all day and just needed some rest. You wouldn't have picked the call up but something told you it was important. That you should pick it up.

“Hello?” you yawn.

You just hear muffled breathing for a few seconds.

“Hello? Who is it?”

“It…it’s me…Harry”

“Harry, what’s wrong?” you thought what could have happened at this time of the night.

“I just- can you-” he sounded like he was choking.

“Harry what’s wrong, you’re scaring me”

“I… can’t… breathe,” you hear him sobbing. ”I had… that… dream, I feel like I’m…going to…die”

“Harry, listen to me. You will be okay. Yeah? Just take deep breaths and sit tight. I’m coming to you”

You search through his file to look for his address. When you find it, you rush through the front door and drive to his house. You were on the phone with him the whole drive.

“Just keep breathing, Harry. Deep breaths, okay?”

To your surprise, the front door was unlocked. It looked like he had gone out into the street in the middle of the night. You search through rooms to find him, and you see him curled into a ball at the corner of a king size bed. You touch his shoulder and he flinches.

“Hey, hey it’s just me. It’s alright”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know who else to call,” he was crying, with the tears streaming down his cheeks, his eyes looked small and they looked red from the lack of sleep and of tears.

“It’s alright, Harry. Just come here, it’ll be alright,” you pull him towards yourself him and he buries his face into your chest and you held him, stroking his hair and telling him it will be alright.

“That’s it. Let it out, Harry. It’s okay to cry”

You both stayed like that for another 15 minutes. He couldn’t stop crying and you knew he needed that. He had been holding everything in for so long and it just came out like an explosion tonight. You wiped his tears and made him meditate for a few minutes.

He fell asleep and you stayed up all night, looking at him. He looked so innocent while he slept, and cute too, you thought hiding a blush, even though nobody was there to look at you.

That night, Harry finally felt at peace. He was finally able to sleep. He had no nightmares, just a peaceful dream. He saw his girlfriend, running away from him in a white dress with her hair flowing in the wind.

Please don’t leave me, darling. I love you.

I know you do Harry, but you must let me go. I will always be with you. I will always love you. It is time you start caring about yourself, you must let me go. It is time.

No! don’t leave me!

And he woke up. Something about this dream told him that she was right. It was time. He was finally ready to let her go. For both of their sakes.

He went down to find you sleeping on the couch. He was hesitant at his thoughts but deep down he knew he was falling for you. Am I just using her to cope with my loss? Or do I really love her?

You opened your eyes, looking at Harry sitting on the ground, pushing a strand of hair away from your face.

“Good morning, how did you sleep?”

“Better. Really really better. I- I don’t know how to thank you, y/n and I’m so sorry”

“Hey it’s alright, and I’m glad I could help,” you smile. “I should go now, I have to get to work”

“Let me make breakfast and let me drive you to your house”

“Oh no it’s okay I can-”

“I owe this much to you, y/n. Let me”

“Okay”

                              -----------------

It wasn’t until another week when Harry had his next session. You had been thinking about him all the time, you were confused, it wasn’t supposed to go this way. But he….who am I kidding I’m in love with him.

When he walked through the door on a Thursday morning next week, he looked healthy and happier than ever. You felt a sense of happiness yourself, therapy is always beneficial to both the patient and the therapist. Every person is a deep universe, their thoughts, experiences, pain, joy, everything. Empathising with clients is a great learning experience, it becomes a part your personality. It becomes a part of you.

“Hey y/n”

“Hi Harry”

“So my week as been as it’s always and I’ve been feeling a lot better ever since that day…and that dream” he had told you about the dream he had the night you watched him sleep. He seemed to completely change after that, he let go of the intense emotions he had been carrying around.

“That’s very good and you’ve made a lot of progress since our first meeting”

“Yeah…I have”

The session went on as usual, he talked about everything that happened, he started fighting with his brothers again, which he hadn’t done in a long time and even though they were pissed off at him, they were happy to have him back.

“Um Harry,” you say at the end of the session. “I think-” you try to choose your words correctly. “I think it’s about time you start seeing another therapist, yeah?”

You see his face drop. “wh-why? I’m doing so much better, is..is it because of that night? I’m so sorry y/n”

“No it’s not that. You and I both know what’s happening between us, it’s wrong for a therapist to get emotionally attached with her patient. I’m sorry, Harry”

“So you’re saying that you’re becoming emotionally attached with me?”

“I..I’m-“

“It’s alright. I understand y/n”

“Yes, thank you. This has been great”

“So… now that you’re not my therapist, can I meet you for coffee this evening?”

“Harry-“

“Half an hour, Dr y/l/n. Just give me half an hour of your time, if you still feel the same way, I’ll never bother you again”

“Uh-" you hesitate. You knew you should have said no. You were going to say no. Yet the words which came out of your mouth were “Okay then, it’s a date”

--------------

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[yoritomokenji]

I love all of this analysis, and I absolutely agree with most of it. However, I have to respectfully disagree with your read on PT!Anakin's love of others/love of self. I hold the viewpoint that the PT was a good story told poorly, and that TCW goes a VERY long way towards making Anakin's story more compelling, understandable, and tragic than it was in the movies proper.

I see Anakin as the sort who cares deeply for those in his innermost circle, cares on a surface level for people he has no connection to, and is apathetic at best towards those who stand against him and his. None of that is *intrinsically* bad. But it did give Sheevy Palps some convenient levers to pull to get Anakin to go down a path he really shouldn't have.

Look at the hostage situation on the Mandalorian ship, for example, with Satine and Obi-Wan. "Kill me in cold blood and prove yourself a hypocrite, or stand by and watch me blow up a ship full of innocent people!" Obi-Wan was genuinely conflicted, but Anakin just stabbed the guy with no hesitation or remorse. And the thing of it is, that *was* the practical solution to the problem. But it also demonstrated how easily he could flip off the empathy center of his brain when dealing with someone who stood against him. Anakin was never much good at moral ambiguity. And that probably stemmed from his childhood as a slave. But it also made it easy for Palpy to push him in a direction that suited his own ends.

"The Separatists are dangerous! We must defeat them at all costs!" Only sort of true, but Anakin had no way to know that, and it paved the way for War Crimes Time! (The whole Republic was bad about this but that's a whole other post)

"I am your friend, I want to help you!" Not remotely true, but he played the part very well and entrenched himself in Anakin's inner "defend at all costs" circle.

"The Jedi don't understand or support you, they are not your friends." Unfortunately very close to being actually true, the Council's chronic head-up-ass syndrome was extremely effective at alienating Anakin and making him seek other support- namely, Sheevy himself.

And so on. The Palpster did a bang-up job of gaslighting Anakin by playing on his (all too human and understandable) insecurities and traumas. And he installed himself as Anakin's primary social support structure- much the same as how real cults keep members even after getting into the culty stuff.

RotS was the breaking point, where the Anakin was forced to choose between people in his inner circle. Choosing between Sheevicus Palpius and the Jedi Order was rough, but that really couldn't have gone any other way, given how the Order had treated him (and Ahsoka, for that matter). Once the Jedi Order got shifted in his mind into the "Enemy- Destroy At All Costs" category, the aforementioned empathy switch got set and he... well, destroyed them. Even the younglings.

That got the ball rolling, and then Padme and Obi-Wan were oppositional enough to him, and there was enough momentum from the previous crisis point plus The Palpinator's unconditional support, that he ended up turning against them too. Leaving Sheevs the literal only person left in his "Defend At All Costs" inner circle, who could more or less define at will who should be in the "Enemy" category. And the rest is history.

I never saw it as the narrative saying Anakin's love for others was actually love for himself all along. I saw it as the narrative saying that an exceptionally skilled asshole can pick on the flaws, insecurities, and trauma of an otherwise good person, and turn them into a far worse version of themselves. That authority figures who are aloof and apathetic towards the people under their purview will eventually have some of those people turn against them. That war is hell.

That everyone, yes everyone, has the theoretical capacity to become a monster if everything goes sufficiently wrong.

That's just my take though, I make no claims about it being objectively right, and I again really appreciate reading what you and others have posted in this chain :)

I sometimes wonder if within the Star Wars universe, bringing balance to the force means being able to use both the Light and the Dark without falling 100% into either side. Like, Rey being pulled to the Dark because it has something she needs, but maintaining her moral compass and compassion and urge to do good. idk it always seemed odd that an order all about balance only placed emphasis on one side of the spectrum 1/2

Tho it might just be a misunderstanding on my part. Is the Dark a separate part of the Force that Force-sensitive people can manipulate, different from the Light part? Or is that just what it’s called when you use the Force for purely selfish reasons? 2/2

oh my friend you have unleashed such a can of worms i am so sorry please bear with me.

there are two answers to your question, one of which is “what we get from the series so far” and the other one being My Obviously Correct Headcanons And Opinions.

In the past, the Dark Side has been pretty much exclusively categorized as “what happens when you use the Force for purely selfish reasons.” That power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, so the more you let your anger and resentment and personal need fuel your use of the Force, the more twisted you and it will become. that an act of weakness CREATES a darker seed of weakness within, to be continually exploited.

but that’s always been an inherently unsatisfactory definition–not because of what it implies about corruption, but because of what it identifies as the root of that corruption. it’s been frustrating as far back as Yoda’s lessons on Dagobah, where he told Luke that interfering in order to save his friends would make him vulnerable to the dark side for ???reasons??

It’s wrong to lash out in fear. It’s destructive to let your negative emotions be the sole source of your strength. all of that makes sense.

but where do you draw the line between selfishness and selflessness? Where do you find the boundaries on the spectrum from compassion, to caring, to possessiveness, to obsession?

the OT and PT never really gave us satisfactory answers to these questions–only vague pseudo-buddhist notions about how wanting things will make you miserable and terrible, probably, and that true balance means neutrality. means never having personal investment. and that’s just not how people work. so if we’re going by the idea that that’s the Jedi way, then yeah– the Jedi do need to end.

but as Luke said– the idea that the light side of the force will go away if the Jedi Order becomes obsolete is ridiculous.

so where does that leave us, in canon?

well, if the light side of the force stands for life, growth, connection, and peace, then that would seem to imply that the dark side must stand for death, decay, fractured society, and violence. this means that balance of the Force isn’t just some neutral value, because the Force itself isn’t value neutral. the Force isn’t weather–the Force is the collective intention and interconnectedness of all sentient consciousness. you can’t blame a hurricane for killing people because that’s just what hurricanes do. Hurricanes can’t decide. but people DO. and that’s what makes it the Dark Side of the Force–it’s the decisions behind the actions.

and yet.

so much of where the PT failed was that it did such a poor job of showing us what it actually set out to show us: how a good man, Anakin Skywalker, became corrupted by the dark side. what the PT ends up saying is “he wanted to end slavery so much that he became a fascist; he loved his mom and his wife and that made him Terrible.” which– what the hell kind of lesson is that? We never actually saw that thing click in his head where it suddenly became okay for him to kill younglings. We watched it happen, but I never bought a moment where he gave in, because I never saw how his weaknesses as a good man–how his desire to protect and defend made him selfish and possessive–turn into something outright violent against people who had nothing to do with him. they never sold me on the connection.

but the sequels… they’re doing something different.

the consensus in the OT and PT seemed to be that it’s terrifyingly easy to succumb to the dark side. that you could be minding your own business having friends and wanting good safe things for them and one day you could trip and fall and that would turn you evil. i never vibed with that.

the ST, though… over and over again, what I see it saying is that it’s hard to be evil. It’s hard, and it sucks, and it kills everything good in you. that’s why Finn rejects it; that’s why Kylo Ren is so fucking miserable all the time. but it also demonstrates that there’s something so inherently compelling about using the Force to get what you want that once you’ve gone far enough, the idea of losing it is so incomprehensible you’d do anything–you’d do the worst thing–just to keep it from happening.

(Worth noting: the first Force power Rey ever uses is the Jedi Mind Trick. the first thing out of her mouth when Luke asks her what the Force is is “a way to make people do what you want.”)

it would be the easiest thing in the world for Ben Solo to be the golden boy of the Republic. that life was handed to him on a platter–all he had to do was stay there. all he had to do was take it. even now, Rey is still telling him: the door is open. the life you left behind is right there, waiting for you, needing you, if only you’d be willing to do the work to take it back.

so much of Kylo’s dialogue is talking about how he feels conflict, the pull towards the light, how his only goal is to kill the good in him, kill the past, kill all his ties to his obligation to morality. but it’s a constant fucking struggle for him. you don’t just trip and fall into evil. you have to choose it, every day.

and if that’s true–that tells me so much more about “the dark side” than the other films ever did. it’s not that caring is a curse, because Ben Solo killed his caring a long time ago. it’s that once you’ve had a taste of whatever it is that made Kylo Ren powerful enough to stop a blaster shot in midair and hold it there for five minutes, while carrying on an entire, quite distracting conversation–that once you have that, it digs so deep in you you can’t give it up. it’s a disease, the same way that an addiction is a disease. and with the Force behind it, it has the power to feed itself.

and you’ll never get well from an illness you have no interest in a cure for. so you keep digging deeper into the dark, because even if it’s hard, even if it tears you apart inside, the dark can give you things the light never will. and most of all, it’s convinced you that those are the things you should want.

what i think we might be heading towards–what i would LOVE to see us heading towards– is the conclusion that we’ve been incorrectly defining the Dark Side this whole time.

if I have a rope, I can use it as a lifeline or as a noose. that doesn’t tell me anything about the rope. it tells me about me. 

Evil corrupts. Malice makes you strike first, strike hardest, strike in arbitrary anger. Trauma warps your sense of reality and makes it hard to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy, between acting for for your own survival and actively undermining your own self-interest. Wrath makes you act so that the punishment far outstrips the crime. Jealousy tells you that the things you love belong to you. Hate makes you want to destroy the things you don’t understand. Vengefulness makes you mistake personal satisfaction for justice.

but the Force… I don’t think the Force does any of that. it can be used as a vehicle to get you there faster, but that doesn’t mean that part of the Force is dark and used for dark things only. It means that you MAKE it dark when you USE it for the dark. 

Balance means harmony, not discord. the Force in balance needs must tend toward the light not because death is evil and must be avoided at all costs, but because life, uninterrupted until its natural end, is life as life was intended.

death isn’t the dark side. death is the Force in balance.

murder is the dark side, because it’s using the Force for something it was never meant to be used for, on purpose, for wrong, for personal gain. and no wonder it’s powerful, because the Force is always powerful–it’s all life and thought and spirit that exists! but that doesn’t mean the Force wants you to do a certain amount of bad things and the universe would fall apart otherwise. it means the Force needs people to tell the difference, because that’s all the Force has ever been: the interconnectedness of sentience.

the Force doesn’t tell us what to think. we tell it what to think. and the Force doesn’t need murder any more than people do. 

*collapses.*