#should really have all died of old age a while ago. second arc cats should be retired and starting to pass from old age. and cats from the

[angsttronaut]

one of the weird things about life expectancies in warrior cats stretching out as the series goes on is that lionblaze is 8 years old with adult grandchildren and showing no signs of age or even retiring, while yellowfang was depicted as old af when she died at the age of 8.

[peppersonironi]

Duke Thomas VS The "Good Child" Stereotype Chapter Four

For my @dukethomasbigbang fic, we have the third prank, and fourth chapter! I hope y'all like it! Yet again a huge thanks to betas @queerbutstillhere & @theycallme-ook

Summary:

Everyone was suddenly shaken out of their stunned staring when the Cave’s sound system flared up, blasting dramatic choral music. It was the perfect track for the perfect moment, building up tension to an uproar as the lights dimmed slightly, and all attention was brought on the crackling of lightning arcing across a new figure, who was rounding the bend.

Duke grinned at his crowning achievement.

Read on Ao3

Ah, Cheerios, the best kind of breakfast cereal. Duke just didn’t get why people seemed to hate them so much. They weren’t bland, they just had a nice even subtle oat flavor which was refreshing compared to all the intensely sweet sugary crap that Dick kept attempting to sneak in past Alfred. And they were so delicious with milk! Of course, they were also fantastic when you added things to them as well, like a light drizzle of honey, or a small handful of granola. If you were feeling especially adventurous - or if Damian was the one to go shopping with Alfred and therefore got the choice in what was bought that week - you could even have it with some unsweetened vanilla oat milk.

“But does that count as a subset of cannibalism?” Duke wondered aloud between bites of cereal.

He took another bite thoughtfully and hopped down from the island in the middle of the kitchen to make his way out the door and down the hall. Alfred was away for the weekend (Tim had mentioned something about regaining his honor in a pie baking duel with Ma Kent? Duke wasn’t sure.) so he wouldn’t get in trouble.

Not that he ever got in trouble. For some reason.

Duke angrily crunched down on another spoonful when a sudden banging around came from the ceiling above him. Duke froze, suddenly terrified. What was it? Aliens? Did Alfred (The Cat) finally figure out how to phase through walls? Were some of the skeletons (which Jason had warned Duke he stored in the drywall) finally reanimate and were slowly crawling out, in a slow determined quest for revenge?

As the opening to the air vent just a few feet ahead banged open, releasing a lone figure, Duke was dismayed to find it was not, in fact, some fantastical being or occurrence.

It was just Steph.

Duke quickly finished eating the spoonful of Cheerios and chewed as he waved a greeting with his spoon.

Stephanie, who was completely covered in glitter and carrying a feather duster, glared daggers at Duke and slowly, methodically, drew the duster across her throat.

Duke swallowed heavily and cringed. Ah, it probably would be in his best interest to avoid blaming the purple clothed bandit for any of his pranks in the future.

*****

For the second time that day, Duke found himself in the kitchen of Wayne Manor. Though this time, instead of pondering the moral and psychological repercussions of eating his cereal with oat milk, the teen was having a pre workout snack with his younger brother.

“Add more whipped cream, Thomas,” Damian advised, passing Duke the can. “Dairy is protein, and protein is essential to proper nutrition.”

Duke took the can with a grin, and added a more generous than necessary squirt to the top.

“Alright Dami,” Duke said as he set aside the can, “But you need to be sure to add more than one cherry. Fruit is good for you, you know.”

Damian sniffed superiorly and delicately pulled out three maraschino cherries from the fancy jar than Alfred kept in the pantry. He then placed them precariously on top of the summet of his ice cream sundae mountain.

Duke held up his spoon in front of Damian. “Shall we dig in?”

Damian grinned - a rare occurrence which took the years off of his face, allowing him to truly look like a child. Duke quietly celebrated, ever since he first saw Damian smile at him, he had made it his mission to make his younger brother happier more often.

They clinked their spoons together, and dug into their huge deserts. It was a good thing that Alfred wasn’t home at the moment, or the old Butler would have an aneurysm at the amount of sugar they were putting into their bodies. But oh well, they deserved it for the training session that they’d be taking part in later that afternoon.

It wasn’t often that Bruce had enough time to do a full workout session with any of his kids, let alone something smaller like a one on one thing, or him and a few others. Duke had only gotten this privilege during his first year of staying with the Waynes, and at the time, when he was futilely trying to kick down trees in the yard, he hadn’t understood why such a thing was coveted by his siblings.

But now he did, so he completely understood Damian’s excitement when the thirteen year old had animatedly informed him that because all the others were gone from the city that day, only he and Duke would be present for the training session. So of course Duke suggested making a special treat in preparation.

They were at the very bottom of their large bowls of ice cream when Bruce walked into the kitchen carrying his large jug of water.

“Are you boys ready for today?” Bruce asked, and Duke and Damian grinned.

“Of course, Father. We have been preparing extensively for the past half hour.”

Bruce eyed the empty bowls in front of each of his sons, and grunted. “And sprinkles helped you do that?”

Duke scoffed. “Of course, B. Didn't you know that?”

Bruce looked skeptical, so Damian butted in. “Father, Pennyworth is always informing you to eat your colors. You americans eat such bland food, all tans and grays. Surely compact fluorescent bites are the best way to remedy such a problem.”

Bruce squinted, but didn’t seem in the mood to argue, so he turned around and began to leave the kitchen. “Just be in my study in twenty minutes.”

Behind him, Duke offered a fist bump to his partner in crime. Damian accepted with a smirk.

*****

“Please tell me I’m not late!” Duke exclaimed as he rushed into Bruce’s study.

Bruce and Damian were over by the clock, looking as if they were about to input the time. Duke heaved a sigh of relief at that. Being late to a training session was a mortal sin in the Manor. Or at least, that’s what Jason told him. He said it was the reason he had died (something about Bruce kicking him out, which made him go to Ethiopia for some money an old rich uncle of his had left him, and then the Joker catching wind and tried to rob him, which somehow ended in with him, a warehouse, and a crow bar).

Suffice it to say, Duke made it his mission to never be late to a training session. Ever.

“Tt, Thomas,” Damian remarked, turning back to the clock. “You were cutting it close.”

Bruce sighed. “You’re fine Duke.”

Duke nodded and took his place right behind Damian. The boy huffed in a satisfied manner and crossed his arms.

“Any day now, Father. Unlike you, my time is precious.”

Translation: Damian was excited, and tired of waiting.

Bruce frowned as he spun the arms of the clock again. “The clock is broken.”

Duke raised his eyebrows. “Wow, that couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that it’s really just a door, right?”

Bruce frowned back at the face of the grandfather clock, not bothered by Duke’s incredibly funny remark.

A few seconds later, Duke tried again. “Bruce, what’s wrong?”

Bruce’s eyes were narrowed to slits by now, and his brow furrowed in concentration. “The entrance is malfunctioning. I want you boys to go around and check the others. Including Stephanie’s smuggling tunnel.”

Duke blinked. “Stephanie’s what now?”

Bruce made a shooing gesture with his hand. “Yes, I know about that. Now go.”

Duke and Damian looked at each other, shrugged, then left the room. Might as well do what Bruce says. The sooner they got this over with, the sooner they could work out. Plus they were sort of curious to know what was going on. Neither of them knew, they were innocent! Especially Duke.

Fifteen minutes later, and the trio reconvened in the study once more. Bruce looked angry, Duke looked confused, and Damian was positively fuming.

“This is outrageous!” He cried, as soon as he entered after Duke. “None of the entrances are working! I even attempted to use imaginative means to enter, and nothing worked!”

Bruce’s grim look receded for just a moment. “I’ll let Barbara know she did a wonderful job shoring up the security if even my children can’t get in.”

Damian scowled. “What’s the point of making security that we can’t get into?”

Bruce closed his eyes for three long, tired seconds.

“Anyway!” Duke said, “They aren’t allowing access. Any theories? Or should we just get Tim?”

Damian looked appalled at the idea. “Father!” he cried, “you can’t call Timothy! He will be unable to operate at maximum capacity if he does not complete the weekend of so-called relaxation with the clone at the Kents’ farm.”

“So second best option?” Duke asked.

Bruce raised an eyebrow. “I hope you don’t let Barbara hear that when she gets here.”

*****

“Hhmmmm.”

Duke, Bruce, and Damian cringed in unison at Barbara’s contemplative noise. The young woman was typing on a laptop plugged into some kind of control panel in Bruce’s office. She hadn’t spoken to them more than first greetings  when she had arrived, so they were left in the dark while she rifled through the Cave’s security system.

Finally, Babs closed the computer and set it to the side. Duke and the others held their collective breath.

“The Cave is registering you as already present inside,” Barbara explained, “Actually, it says that everyone is in the Cave right now.”

Bruce was still and silent, considering Barbara’s words. Damian, on the other hand, seemed to be an inch away from having a meltdown.

“This is preposterous!” He blustered, whipping about and glaring, not having any particular target. “The system is trash, I said we should have fixed it ages ago! And now look at the outcome! I must remain at peak physical capacity, and I am not able to if I miss even a single session! Father, I demand you fix this!”

“Woah, dude, chill,” Duke soothed, resting a hand on Damian’s shoulder. Thankfully, the kid didn’t bite him. “I know you're frustrated, but we work more effectively when calm, right?”

Damian blinked, and glared at Duke for a long moment. “You are not incorrect, Thomas.” Damian finally allowed, turning away.

Barbara smiled. “Well, good news: I can get you in. It’s probably a good idea to call for back-up and wait till you have the forces to-”

“That won’t be necessary,” Bruce interrupted, his eye twitching at the glare Babs threw his way. “We can handle it - right, boys?”

Damian sniffed proudly and produced some knives from who knows where. Duke nodded confidently.

Bruce grunted, and motioned for them to fall in line behind him. Barbara watched with her precise gaze as Bruce, Duke, and Damian made their way down the stairs. They didn’t turn the lights on, going for optimal stealth as were, and moved slowly downward.

“Don’t be suspicious, don’t be suspicious,” Duke sang under his breath a little ways after the halfway point down the stairs.

“Making noise is very suspicious, Thomas.” Damian muttered.

“Quiet, Boys,” Bruce snapped before Duke could make a comeback, “We’re almost there.”

As soon as the doors to the Cave opened, they scattered and melted into the shadows. Duke just managed to see Damian crawl up the side of the cave wall, but didn’t see where Bruce went. He didn’t have much time to worry about that, though, as he was hiding himself among equipment that lined the sides of the space.

The path he had chosen gave him an easy pass to circle the main platform, and gage the situation. And boy was it a situation. Because, you see, like Barbara said, they were not the only ones in the cave. They were just the only sentient ones.

The elevator dinged, and Barbara rolled out and into the light. “Are those Manikins?” She asked, incredulous.

*****

Duke smirked proudly at the sight before him, the same sight that left the others outraged and confused

Someone, somehow (It was Duke, and through much hard labour during some time while the bats were actually asleep - he got someone to cover his patrol, this bright young girl called Maps to do it. She said she was a friend of Damian’s, and quite skilled with a grappling hook. Tim had mentioned her before, so Duke wasn’t surprised.) managed to get dozens of manikins - those hyper mobile ones that you can personalise their positions - and spread them out across the cave.  And not just that, they had managed to stylize them after each member of the family.

The manikins also seemed to be moving around at preset speeds, through some mysterious robotic means (Duke mentally thanked the stars that Bruce didn’t bat an eye at someone purchasing thirty roombas with his credit card.).

The first manikin, the one that caught everyone’s eye, was clearly meant to represent Stephanie. It was doused in complete purple, the exact shade of her suit and automated to throw the glitter bombs stored in a sack by its side at seemingly everything - though apparently mainly at the nearest authority figure.

Said authority figure was obviously Bruce, who was moving slowly in wide arcs around the chaos. It was wearing one of those ghost costumes, (you know the ones with just a sheet and cut out holes? Yeah, that’s Bruce.) except with a black sheet. And two plastic forks taped to either side of the head to imitate Bat ears. Though by this point it was also covered in purple glitter, thanks to Steph.

Somehow, the figure right next to Bruce was completely untouched by the purple sparkles, despite wearing the exact same outfit as Bruce’s manikin, plastic forks and all. (Although to be fair, this one was significantly shorter.) Though this mystery could easily be solved by the fact that it was Cass. Well, that explains pretty much everything, actually.

Nearest to Bruce and his mini-me at that point in the rotation was a toddler sized, bright green manikin that represented none other than the current Robin. And if that weren’t enough, think of Edward Scissor Hands. Now imagine those knives and blades and such taped over the whole body. Now you have an accurate picture of Damian Wayne in Manikin form. Honestly, it wasn’t that far off.

Humans weren’t the only things replaced in the Cave, as just by Damian were little dog, cat, and cow statues. And a giant bat stuffie colored red.

Bruce’s manikin had to stop it’s wide arc and jerk suddenly to the side to avoid the next member of the family. Tim Drake’s stand-in was barely visible underneath the six foot tall pile of bulk coffee bean bags stacked around it.

Right behind Tim was a large manikin painted blood red, wearing a faux pink leather jacket with sparkles and rhinestones glued it. It looked like it was meant for a six year old girl. What didn’t look like it was meant for a child, though, were the strips of ammunition draped across its shoulders like a fancy scarf. The look was completed by a large red bucket dumped haphazardly over the head of the manikin.

To the side of the Cave, just barely out of the war path that was The Red Bucket, was something different. Instead of a manikin like you would find in the clothing store, a halloween decoration was set up. And not just any decoration: A life-sized recreation of Dracula that looked so cheap, it was probably bought at Party City for ten bucks. (Hey, it was on sale! Duke wasn’t one to ignore such a spectacular bargain!). The only thing customized about it was the cheap, long, cherry red wig perched precariously on its head. Hey, everyone always said Kate looked an awful lot like a vampire!

The simplest manikin was somehow one of the most recognizable. Painted plain white, it was mostly unadorned with the exception of “007” painted across the chest in big, black, block letters. Now who could that be? It wasn’t like the Bats casually knew a british spy.

But all of that is fairly sane, compared to the … others.

In one corner of the room, a manikin was on fire. Completely on fire. The blaze was huge. Somehow, the manikin itself wasn’t on fire, though. One got the impression that it was supposed to be reminiscent of the burning bush story, or perhaps a phoenix. Ha, phoenix. Flamebird. Duke hoped he wasn’t the only one who found that funny.

Dick’s was on a complicated zip line pulley type system thingy. It was upside down and twisted into a pretzel for a bit, then it reached a checkpoint and was replaced by a new “Dick” in a different position. It looks like Dick’s doing mid air acrobatics. Oh, and he’s wearing a crop top that said “I’m A Dick.”

There was yet another all-green manikin seated on a hover chair that looked suspiciously like alien tech taken from the Watchtower. There was a face drawn on, and it was emulating the Oracle Symbol.

Hidden amongst the shadows in the corner was another manikin, barely within sight. It was resting luxuriously in a clawfoot bathtub, which was filled with jewels of all kinds. Upon its shoulders were multiple cat stuffed animals.

Everyone was suddenly shaken out of their stunned staring when the Cave’s sound system flared up, blasting dramatic choral music. It was the perfect track for the perfect moment, building up tension to an uproar as the lights dimmed slightly, and all attention was brought on the crackling of lightning arcing across a new figure, who was rounding the bend.

Duke grinned at his crowning achievement, the one that is easily the most terrifying. The one that is undoubtedly the Taser Girl herself: Harper Row.

What made this one different? Well, that’s because Harper was not, in fact, a manikin. Instead, the figure was not unlike a stick figure made completely out of metal pipes. The bottom was attached to an encased roomba which was currently going in wide, swooping arcs. The arms are raised triumphantly overhead. (Duke may or may not have spent three hours in front of the Hellmo meme, making sure that it was perfect). And, of course, it was conducting bright blue crackling electricity. (Duke had gotten the idea from one of those science experiment things that is made of lightning, and will every so often shoot a bolt and light something on fire. Minus the fire part. He didn’t have a death wish .)

It was just then that some lightning arced out and set an extra manikin that had been lying about on fire.

Duke cringed internally, but his mood wasn’t dampened for long. He took one look at the other Bats present, and muffled a snort of amusement. They were positively shocked - even Babs! That in and of itself was an utter victory for Duke. It got even better when they slowly separated and began to wander the Cave in wonder and horror. Duke split off as well, and hid behind the Dinosaur.

He almost tripped, however, on one of the babies. Yeah, Babies. Around the legs of the dinosaur, on their own roombas, were inflatable versions of the giant T-Rex. Somehow (maaaaybe with a touch of fiddling with controls), they were even faster than the moving people. They were zipping around and crashing into each other. When Duke hit one, though, it activated a system he had put in place which suddenly unleashed a gigantic roar throughout the Cave via the soundsystem.

The Dinosaurs weren’t the only extra addition to the native wildlife, though. Bats, hundreds of them, were replaced with stuffed animal versions of themselves, and painstakingly hung from string to the stalactites at the top of the cave, like a giant mobile.

Duke peaked out from the side of the wide space where he had been inspecting his own work to gage the situation with the other members of his family. The shock seemed to have worn off by that point, replaced with mixed reactions. Bruce was growing increasingly frustrated, Babs was trying not to laugh, and Damian was secretly pleased, enjoying the look on his father’s face.

Duke chuckled to himself as he went back to looking around in the nooks and crannies where smaller details - like the glow sticks representing glow worms - are set up. He had to admit, when he had set all of this up in two-days-without-sleep haze, he hadn’t actually been sure if it actually looked good. Two minutes later, and Duke was absolutely sure that this was in the top fifteen best Bat-Pranks, He’d have to petition for it to be added at the next meeting.

A sudden clamor came from the Batcomputer, and Duke grinned before practically skipping over to see what was the matter. This will be fun, he thought.

Upon his arrival, he knew it was true.

“Holy shit!” He crowed joyfully upon catching sight of the one manikin that had been missing earlier: his own.

Duke’s manikin was draped in gold curtains - clearly from the South Wing’s Music Room - to look like a toga, and sitting on a throne. Literally. (Bruce just had one lying about in the Attic) The throne rested on a huge platform covered in jewels (also taken from the treasure chest in the Attic). A light setup in the crannies of the Cave’s ceiling shot out beams of ‘disco’ light. Thin black vales hang from the ceiling to give the ominous feel of shadows. And, in case there was any confusion, a golden plaque rests at the base, and is engraved with the words “The Duke of Gotham. Bow Before Your Ruler.”

It’s beautiful, Duke thought ecstatically, so much better than I could have ever dreamed!

He promptly burst into laughter.

Bruce growled in frustration. “This is not funny, Duke.”

“I dunno, B,” Duke shrugged, “I sure think it is!”

“It is not. This is a defacement of the cave, plain and simple. And a poor use of resources to boot. This space is supposed to be efficient, a place that aids in the mission - and are those my Great Aunt Matilda’s emeralds?”

Duke shrugged again as Bruce was set off onto an even longer rant about wasting everyone’s time and abilities since they were going to have to clean it all up. Duke was mostly tuning Bruce out by that point.

“-if you are being flattered by the prankster, that is a clear sign of them trying to get you on their side.”

Duke froze and did a double take. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I didn’t train you to be so easily manipulated.”

Duke coughed. “Uh, I think you got this mixed up, B. See that? That’s me on the throne. Clearly this whole prank was organized by me.”

Bruce stared at Duke for a solid three seconds. Babs was covering her mouth to avoid a giggling fit, or maybe just out of shock. Damian was frowning at Duke.

Bruce’s right eye twitched. “Duke, no need to be sarcastic.”

Duke opened his mouth to argue some more, to explain just how wrong Bruce was, when said Dark Knight whipped around and stalked towards the elevator. He froze, though, when he stepped in front of Damian.

There wasn’t even a moment's pause before Bruce was glaring down at his youngest son with resigned, tired eyes. “Damian, how many times have I told you that more knives are not better? You gave yourself away.”

Damian screeched in indignation, and raced to follow Bruce out, demanding for Bruce to see reason.

“Father, you are being ridiculous!”

But his cries were quickly silenced by the closing of the elevator doors, leaving just Duke and Barbara in the Bat Cave.

Babs pivoted to look to Duke and shrugged. “Sorry kid, but he’s just stubborn.”

Duke blinked in confusion as she wheeled away. Had she always known? Scratch that - she was Oracle. Of course Barbara knew.

Duke collapsed at the foot of his throne, and put his head in his hands. Next time, he promised himself, no one else is gonna be there. No one else can take the credit.

*****

“He’s really trying, isn’t he?”

“Yes.”

“Well, this will be fun to watch.”

“Yes.”

“Should we just tell Bruce and be over with it?”

“…”

“Yes, you’re right Cass. We wait and watch.”

[calitraditionalism]

Arc Three: Chapter Two

(AO3 counterpart here.)

The entire group was silent for what it seemed like was forever before they eventually reached a small grove, just in time for the rain to peter out. A pocket in the clouds revealed the moon, turning everything into silver and black silhouettes, droplets sparkling like tiny moon shards.

“We ought to pause here,” Darkpelt said, and her voice was like a shout in the quiet.

Redheart sighed almost under her breath. “This is far enough from the settlement, yes.” She turned around and gestured. “If everyone can-“

“What did you mean?” Littlepaw blurted. “What’s StarClan really?”

Redheart stayed patient. “We can explain once we’re settled.”

“Not that being settled will help at all,” Beetlefoot muttered.

Greyleaf narrowed his eyes. “You have no idea how right you are.”

The silence resumed momentarily as everyone positioned themselves so that they were in a loose ring. Redheart still looked exhausted, and Greyleaf on the verge of fight-or-flight. An uneasy air needled through all of their damp fur and caused their skin to prickle.

“I don’t mean to put any pressure on you,” Darkpelt said with a weaponized casualness, “but I won’t hesitate to help in your capture unless you explain yourself thoroughly. And perhaps after that, depending on how crazy you are.”

“We should arrest them now,” Beetlefoot snapped. “They caused a death and a lot of trouble.”

Surprisingly, Littlepaw gave him a sharp look. “I want an explanation, too.”

“Go on,” Mistface said before Beetlefoot or anyone else could speak. “You’ve got a story. Tell it.”

Redheart, looking relieved for the prompt, lifted her chin high and sat down. “As I said, StarClan is a monster. It’s not a group of our ancestors – it’s already devoured them.”

“That’s all it wants,” Greyleaf growled. He was still standing. “To eat souls. It’s had us all under its paw for generations, swallowing up everyone who goes to it thinking it’s the afterlife. That’s why we have it so good. If we’re complacent, it’ll get more of us to gorge on.”

Complete silence. Awkward, doubtful looks were exchanged. Mistface could see Flyfang internally trying to find a polite way to call the two of them insane. He didn’t blame her; it was just because he knew Greyleaf well enough that he wasn’t immediately passing this off as crazy ramblings built from a lifetime of nightmares.

He was considering that as an option, though.

“Brother-“ he started.

“You don’t believe us,” Greyleaf interrupted, suddenly and alarmingly aggressive. “Fine. We didn’t expect you to. So let me explain some things to all of you.”

Redheart seemed just as surprised as Mistface felt when Greyleaf broke through the circle and stood in the middle, turning back and forth to look at everyone as he spoke.

“Here’s some things that don’t make sense,” he said. “Why do we have it so good here? Why aren’t there any predators around to pick us off? Why is nothing a struggle beyond a slightly long walk?” He suddenly got angrier, tail lashing to one side. “Really think about that. Does any other place in the world have it so well as we do, for absolutely no reason? Why are we so special that we get paradise? And the prey! How do we have so much? It makes no sense!”

Mistface tried again. “Greyleaf, listen-“

“No, you listen!” Greyleaf whirled around to face him with such force that for a split second Mistface was afraid he was going to be struck. “I’m trying to break this down for you! Do you know how much prey one cat eats in a day? More than you’d think!”

Laurelclaw was the one to speak now. “What-“

“Three to five meals!” Greyleaf shouted over him. “We all eat enough to get as fat as a kittypet, every single day! And how many cats are in this Territory? Hundreds, at least! That’s an uncountable amount of mice and squirrels and birds that need to produce babies daily just to keep up the numbers! And yet there’s plenty of prey to go around, right?” He looked back at Mistface, fur bristling. “Plenty of full-grown animals! We never need to go after their young! We never even see their young!”

Mistface opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

“It doesn’t make sense!” Greyleaf was pacing now, his claws digging into the mud. “We should have starved years ago! Generations ago! We should have all died out after being forced to eat each other!”

Redheart winced and shuddered.

“Greyleaf, you’re not hearing yourself.” Flyfang’s ears went back. “We have the prey StarClan gives us-“

“That-“ Greyleaf jerked his head to look at her now and she flinched. “That is my point! Weird how we have so much prey from StarClan, isn’t it? Life doesn’t come from wishes and dewdrops! You need a soul for there to be life! And there’re only so many souls you can use! Where do those souls come from? Where? If normal prey souls return to normal prey, then where does StarClan get special souls to give to all the created prey we eat to survive? You can't just make something from nothing!”

No one said anything. Something very dark and horrible started tapping its claws on the back of Mistface’s mind, but a defensive sort of confusion blocked what it was whispering to him.

Greyleaf took a shaky breath and turned slowly, eyeing everyone. “But there’s plenty of cat souls, aren’t there? So many of us being born every day, some of which don’t make it to old age. And that prey, that’s made for us by StarClan… prey that’s clumsy on its feet, and slow, and confused…”

The tapping claws began to scrape. The voice crept over the blockade and murmured in Mistface’s ear.

“Don’t even need the whole thing, do we?” Greyleaf went on. The angry expression was giving way to utter terror. “They’re fat, sure, but they’re nice and small. And they’ll just come right on back in no time, won’t they? Won’t miss a thing.”

“What are you saying?” Flyfang asked, in a voice that made it very clear that she already knew and was dreading the answer.

Redheart shut her eyes painfully. “StarClan doesn’t just eat our souls. It uses them to grow larger and stronger, so it can keep eating, and keep growing. It can do whatever it wants with what it has.” She swallowed thickly. “Such as tear a soul to pieces and send it back down to us as food.”

The reaction was immediate – Laurelclaw and Littlepaw cried out in shock, Beetlefoot took a step back with wide eyes, Flyfang flinched and hissed, and Mistface’s mouth dropped even further.

“You’re insane,” Beetlefoot said, voice cracking. “You’ve both gone insane. StarClan wouldn’t do that- no one can do that-“

“You haven’t been paying attention,” Darkpelt said suddenly.

All eyes went to her. She was standing stiffly, and her eyes were large with her pupils constricted like she was staring into the sun, but her voice was calm and steady.

“StarClan wants as many of us as possible,” she said. “That’s how it feeds itself. Right?”

“Yes,” Redheart said wearily.

“So recycling bits of souls to keep a growing population fed is the perfect way to get back more than you put in.” Darkpelt’s tail shivered. “With three cats, you take one dead one and split it up how you need to. That creates at least three or four meals, and then the soul comes back to you however many times you use it. Then those three cats have kits, and then they die, and you have three souls to use to feed those litters. Then those litters have litters, and…”

“No, this…” Laurelclaw was shaking. “It can’t- it’s too horrible to be true.”

“Oh, you think that’s horrible!” Greyleaf gave a half-deranged laugh that was more like a snarl. “We're not done yet! What about everyone who doesn’t get to come back down here to be killed and eaten? What happens to them while they’re stuck in this thing’s- in whatever passes for its stomach?” He started pacing again. “Some of them come back down whole, and they get to be stuck in a leader’s body when they get nine lives! Sure, fatten up a rare treat or eight! Worth it for how many other souls it gets to devour!”

“Our leaders are being possessed?!” Littlepaw cried.

“Wrong!” Greyleaf turned to her. “They’re doing the possessing! Smothering what remains of those souls so they get to live a little longer! What about the rest? What do they get to do?” His eyes bore down on the apprentice as he took several steps towards her. “You were a seer apprentice, right? Remember how a cat that was long dead always came to you in dreams? Remember how it was the same cat all the time? Remember how they told you you’re safer here than anywhere else?”

Littlepaw stared back at him, starting to shake, her eyes bulging with realization.

“Greyleaf,” Redheart said quietly.

At once, Greyleaf backed up a couple steps, giving Littlepaw some room and breaking the eye-lock. Redheart moved to stand beside him, changing who was looking at Littlepaw now.

“StarClan is massive, and it’s clever.” She was mellower than Greyleaf, and much more morose. “It knows how to make you the most comfortable in your dreams. Whatever cat will put you at ease, have you stay complacent, it will send a visage of to you. No one else comes, is that right?”

Littlepaw seemed to remember something, and said weakly, “The other day, I had a nightmare where something dark in the distance told me that ‘it’ wanted me to think I’d woken up. And the cat- the cat I always saw, Meliclight- she wasn’t acting right, and then she was screaming…”

“You didn’t tell me about this!” Flyfang turned to her in shock. “When did this happen?”

Littlepaw didn’t quite look Flyfang’s way. “Two or three days ago. I thought it was just a nightmare, but then… Redheart, what she said, it made something light up in my head…”

“What dark thing did you see?” Redheart asked, gentle.

“I- I don’t know.” Littlepaw’s voice leveled a tiny bit as she thought. “It could have been a cat, but it was so vague and like a shadow.”

“Oh, for-“ Greyleaf tossed his head up to the sky, exasperated. “They did it again.”

“Who did what?” Beetlefoot sounded both testy and worried.

“The Runagate visited you,” Redheart replied to Littlepaw.

“The Runagate?” Laurelclaw almost squeaked. “The demon?”

Greyleaf looked back down to scowl at Laurelclaw. “They’re not a demon. They’re the farthest thing from. They’re trying to save us from a demon. Always have been.”

“The only soul StarClan can’t catch,” Redheart said softly. “And they’ve been running around the Territory warning us as well as they can. No one believes, because StarClan always manages to hide the truth.” The faintest tremor went through her body. “But not from us. Not from me. The Runagate is why I even had the chance to start this plan to leave in the first place.”

Again, it was silent. Mistface watched everyone’s tense bodies, raised fur, stiff tails and horrified expressions. Despite not feeling any better himself, he forced himself to relax.

“So how did this happen?” he said. “How did y’all learn about this, Runagate or otherwise? And how do you know it’s all true?”

Redheart and Greyleaf looked at each other. Then Redheart nodded and returned her gaze to the other six cats.

“I should start,” she said. She took a breath, shut her eyes as if reliving a painful memory, and opened them again. “It begins with a death."

[rayshippouuchiha]

I came out of Endgame with tears in my eyes and my heart filled up to the brim with absolute seething rage.

Even as I write this now my hands shake with some sick mixture of sadness, rage, and bitter disappointment.

So I preface this by saying that I am emotionally compromised and some of my views might shift with time and distance.

But, for better or for worse, this is my first rage flushed take:

I am so disappointed and so angry that after all of the tension, all of the build, all of the time and sweat and tears, all of the loyalty, we were rewarded with this.

Endgame had its high points, I’m not saying that it didn’t.  There were some genuinely funny moments and some heart rending ones as well.

Every single second Tony Stark was on screen was flawless as always.  Robert Downey Jr. once again proved why he and he alone was suited for the role of Tony Stark and the task of carrying the majority of the MCU for the past 10+ years.

That’s not to say that the rest of the cast wasn’t good.  All of the actors all obviously brought their A game and then some when they were allowed to by what I loosely call a script.

So yeah, there were some highs.

But when its comes to Endgame’s low points?

Its low points were subterranean.

They lowered the bar and then they dug underneath it.

Again I’m writing this basically fresh from the theater and with my emotions still high so do forgive me if this is a bit jumbled around or if I ramble a bit as I cover some of the real issues I had with the film.

So, first thing to address was the overall tone of the film.

For this to be the much glorified Endgame, the “battle of our lives”, there was, in my opinion, a distinct lack of true tension in this film.  Instead of a fraught, nail biting, tension filled ride, Endgame is more of a ... brisk jog through some vaguely sticky situations.

Instead of playing the story straight and giving the situation the gravity it deserved, the narrative went out of its way to put humor that served no other purpose than to ruin what tension had been previously built.  And, in my opinion, the tone of the film suffered for it.

The humor and jokes were humorous, I’m not saying they wasn’t.  I genuinely laughed out loud in the moment.  But I also feel that, with the majority of the comedy that was wedged into the narrative, the film suffered for it.

Now let’s move on a bit to the actual plot of the film.  Again, forgive me if I bounce a bit:

Jeremy Renner was breathtakingly heartbreaking as Clint Barton.  Renner was finally allowed to stretch his legs a bit in this film and he proved that, had he been given the chance, he would have given us a Clint Barton to take our breath away.

Watching with Clint as his family died helped to set what should have been the tone for the majority of the film from there on while reminding us of just what was lost and just what was at stake all at the same time.

Chris Evans brought heart to his portrayal of a Steve Rogers who seems both lighter and more weighted down in this film than ever before.

Scarlett Johansson’s Natasha finally showed more emotion than “head tilt”, “lip purse”, and “arched brow” and it was beautiful.

The brief flash of friendship and affection between Nebula and Tony was perfect and heartwarming as well.  Nebula was magnificent as the “feral space cat desperately in need of softness and a friendly hand” when placed side by side with a slowly withering Tony Stark who is, even at his lowest moments, still kind to this alien cyborg he doesn’t know but to who he owes his life.  They flowed together with an onscreen chemistry in their few moments side by side that felt organic and aching.

Together Tony and Nebula embodied a truly important life/plot point of “meet kindness with kindness and kindness will be your reward”.

Moving forward in time hearing Tony vent his anger and his pain and his distrust at Steve was cathartic in a lot of ways.

As was watching Tony rip the arc reactor from his chest and slap it into Steve’s hand.

In this moment Tony is handing Steve his metaphorical broken heart and leaving someone else to, for once, try and pick up the pieces.

But then, unfortunately, things go rather steeply down hill from there.

With Tony out for the count in a hospital bed the others hunt down and execute Thanos with basically a hand wave and all hope for the stones is lost.

Until deus ex rat-ina unleashes Scott Lang from the quantum realm and the logic of the film takes a sharp left turn.

Scott Lang was missing for 5 years.

To him it was 5 hours.

To which I say, why did Janet van Dyne, age during her stay in the quantum realm?  If, according to the MCU canon, every year in our world was roughly only an hour for Scott Lang, then why didn’t Janet come out of the quantum realm only 30 hours older instead of 30 years?

I feel like the answer is probably “because” but yeah maybe I’m just fuzzy on my Ant Man so if I’m wrong then just ignore that bit please.

Also, just a side note, I adore how it’s been 5 years, Wakanda is very much an ally and still up and running, and yet Rhodey still don’t have working legs.  But alas, racism.

Moving on. 

So with the main villain dead and Tony Stark having solved time travel in his living room, because I stan legends only, we’re now subjected, and that is the very word I’d use to describe what happens next, to what is called a Time Heist.

Cute.

Also Bruce Banner and Hulk have now merged Steven Universe style despite Hulk being scared green-less 5 years ago.  But that’s all good, Bruce smoked a ton of weed, they meditated, went on a cleanse or whatever.

Either way Bruce finally did that character development that everyone had been shouting at him since Avengers 2012 and accepted Hulk as part of him and they’re now Dr. Hulk which was … something that happened?

A thing that they chose to do.  The direction in which they set their narrative wheels and then powered full steam ahead and plowed us right over in the process.

But yeah, Time Heist!  That’s the way to go, the only way apparently.

Because going back in time to stop the Snappening isn’t an option due to reasons that are explained and still look and feel paper thin but probably just honestly boils down to “Russos”

Our intrepid heroes will now split up and surf through time Bill and Ted style to collect the Stones from different points in history.

Yay.

So the rest of the film is basically that, a big old jewel hunt through space and history where the Russos attempt to fool us into thinking their plot points are cohesive and cool by donkey punching us repeatedly in our nostalgia-sacks.

We’re treated to, in no particular order, such hits as:

“Ah 2012 and the invasion of New York only not as interesting but Tony Stark is very much an ass man, but then we been done known that.”

“The Ancient One and her still very distracting skull vein coming at you right now”

“LOKI YOU LITTLE SHIT”

“The one time I envied Scott Lang because, for a split second, he got to be inside Tony Stark”

“Let’s watch Tony Stark simultaneous take a Hulk to the face and have a small cardiac event all at the same time but from different angles”

And let us not forget

“Tee Hee Hee us white bois just had to find a way to make sure Captain America say “Hail HYDRA” but it was for “spy reasons” so weren’t we clever???????”

Yeah boys, great job.

So edgy.

(Although as a side note I do agree, Steve Roger’s ass really is America’s ass and I’d like to thank him for that. Personally.)

But then, of course, Endgame would not have been complete without:

“Steve Rogers stares longingly and creepily at Peggy Carter from behind a window, further backing up his one defining character trait in the MCU which is the inability to move on.  Also she doesn’t look up at all despite being a trained spy and all around badass who probably should have noticed the 6 foot slab of American Beef staring at her from less than a foot away, dark room or no dark room.”

And then my personal favorite:

“Tony Stark sees Howard Stark, the father he described as “calculating, cold, he never told me he was proud of me, never even told me he loved me” but it’s all good cause Tony’s a dad now so looking back all he sees are the good times with his emotionally neglectful and abusive father who says there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for his unborn kid and now they awkwardly hug while I try not to scream “FOOTAGE NOT FUCKING FOUND HOWARD AND NO THAT ONE 3 MINUTE VIDEO DOESN’T COUNT YOU SHIT” at the screen and explode in pure rage.”

Joy.

Truly a scene that was necessary and fit the narrative of Howard Stark’s personality and was needed for Tony to uh get closure or grow as a man and a father or something …

It totally wasn’t yet another excuse to give a canonically abusive father screen time in a way that seems genial and sweet in an attempt to give them a bit of redemption that they neither earned nor deserve.

But yeah, whatever, moving on.

Also Rhodey remains an absolute gem and he and Nebula get shit done.

Only oops, not so fast.

Because apparently the only one who is going to run into the whole “two of you can’t exist in one place at one time without consequences” rule is Nebula who, despite her bitchin orange stripe/badge of character development, managed to like synch up with her past self?

Because she didn’t turn her bluetooth/quantum entanglement function off I guess.

Either way Orange Stripe Nebula, O’Snebula as I call her, has accidentally air dropped all her files into OG Nebula’s mental iPhone.

So yeah now big old Past Grimace knows what’s up.

Ooops??

So shit goes down and then Past Grimace is like “you need to Trogan horse this shit, least favorite daughter” so OG Nebula does because “daddy issues”.

Dr. Hulk puts on the gauntlet and Kentucky fires his arm bringing all the people lost in the Snappening back to life now, 5 years after they got dusted.

Which is … honestly a recipe for disaster in so many ways.  What about the people, like the guy in Steve’s support group, who have started to move on?

What about the people who have remarried, have built new lives?

All of that’s ruined now.

It’s fantastic all those people are alive again but jobs, housing, food, healthcare, government, all of it is back in massive disarray across the universe.

And bringing those people back does nothing to bring back the people who didn’t die in the Snappening but died from causality instead.  All the deaths caused by suicides, by car/bus/train/plane/ship/etc crashes, by a lack of first responders, by the civil/world/interplanetary wars that probably raged across the universe due to entire governments disappearing?

All of those people are still dead.

The Snappening killed half of all life in the universe.  Causality probably killed another good ¼ after that.

And Dr. Hulk’s Un-Snappening saves none of them.

This isn’t a true solution, it’s a shitty band-aid.

But yeah, Russos so….

Moving on.

Yadda Yadda Yadda, plot plot plot. OG Nebula goes undercover, Past Grimace ends up in the future, there’s some fighting (which was admittedly BAD ASS), shit happens, and Tony saves the day like we all knew he would.

YAY!

Despite the massive rambling up above I’m not gonna plot out the entire movie right here though a lot will probably get covered coming up because here’s where I get down and start talking about the various character arcs too.

Because what a wild fucking ride those were.

Okay to take it from the top Scott Lang’s arc was fine.  Beyond my questions about the quantum realm his was clear cut and fine although I do wonder at his luck at being, apparently, the only Scott Lang in San Fran to go missing.  Well either that or he was staring at some other Scott Lang’s name instead of his own and in that case “awkward”.

Bruce’s arc was … look I could have done without all of the cringy Dr. Hulk stuff that they played up for laughs.  If they were gonna brush Hulk being terrified under the rug they could have found a better way to do it besides just erasing the duality between Hulk and Banner with a hand wave.

But yeah, Russos.

Carol Danvers was beautiful and magnificent and completely brushed aside.  Yes she was out in the universe handling shit, yes I know they did that so they could focus on the core Avengers, etc etc etc.

But it’s a damn shame that Carol Danvers, and her glorious haircut, was reduced to being the sorely needed and totally badass cavalry and last minute ace in the hole when she should have, logically, been a part of the vanguard.  Honestly I have thoughts on why Carol’s entire character should have been saved completely for the next phase of the MCU instead of introduced so late in this one but I digress.

O’Snebula was a perfect shining bionic light and I love her.

Gamora is now alive in the future but at what cost?  Not that her life isn’t worth something on its own, it totally is and she deserved the loophole resurrection 10000%.

Shit’s gonna be awkward though cause she doesn’t love Quill, she doesn’t love the Guardians, doesn’t really know O’Snebula or the universe she’s been thrown into.  She doesn’t have the memories or the experiences or the character growth and even if she does go back to her family she’ll never be the same person.

Now her and Quill’s relationship, if they ever have one again, will be reduced down to Quill going “you fell in love with me once you could do it again despite us no longer having the shared experiences that bonded us together”.  Same can be said for the rest of the Guardians as well.

Guess we all know what the plot of GotG 3 is gonna be about.

And that brings us to the story lines that really and truly upset me.

Which is basically all the rest of them.

Natasha/Clint’s combined story-line, Thor’s everything, Steve’s … Steve, and then finally Tony.

Now the Natasha/Clint story-line started out promising.

Clint’s rage and pain was obvious, his heartbreak poignant.  His decision to use all of those to cut a bloody swathe through the criminal underworld was both Dramatic(™) and understandable.

Natasha’s love and grief for him, her desperate attempts to hold onto what she has left by throwing herself into her new job, was a perfect demonstration that Natasha Romanoff is very much not a robot.  She was exhausted, frayed at the edges, and she had tears in her eyes, over Clint.  And then she pulled herself together, slipped her mask back on, and pushed her way forward.  This was all excellent.

It was also a nice narrative callback/parallel to have Natasha be the one to go out and bring Clint in from the cold.

Natasha plays touch stone, plays stability, for Clint and for many of the others.  For the first time Natasha is truly portrayed as a person all the way down to the core instead of some witty quips in a catsuit.  Plus her eyebrows finally came back from the war and her hair looked good again.  So there was that.

Clint and Natasha’s arc comes to a climax on Vormir as they search for the Soul Stone and Red Skull, the Nazi cockroach that he is, gives them the same spiel he gave Thanos.

To get the Soul Stone you must give up the life of the one you love the most. A soul for a soul.

Narrative wise this is consistent, we all knew this would happen as soon as they started searching for the Stones again.  It was obvious.

It was also obvious that Clint was the perfect sacrifice.

He’s got nothing left, his family is dead, he’s already lost the people he loves the most, he’s spent five years being a borderline monster.

And he is also, without a doubt, the thing that Natasha loves the most.

Clint was ready and willing to go, ready to die for the blood on his hands, ready to sacrifice himself for the chance that his family would be saved.

Ready to lay down on the wire and let Natasha walk over him for the sake of everything.

Clint dying made sense, was narratively sound, and heartbreaking.

All of which are only a few of the reasons why Natasha’s death was such a goddamn betrayal.

Instead of following along with the narratively sound death of Clint Barton, an Avenger that’s been ignored for most of the films as is, the Russo brothers instead chose to fridge Natasha.

Clint dying would have been the perfect mirror to Gamora’s death.

Gamora was a daughter unwillingly sacrificed by her father to destroy half of all life in the universe.

Clint would have been a father willingly sacrificed by a friend to save half of all life in the universe, his own sons and daughter included.

But no, we didn’t get that, instead we got a gratuitous scene of Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow, splayed angel like and bloody on the rocks below.

Instead they fridged the Black Widow, the only woman of the original Big Six, because they couldn’t bring themselves to fridge a man.

So Clint gets the Soul Stone.

Such a fitting end for the Black Widow right?  Dying in a man’s place, mourned on screen by a circle of men, but ultimately set aside rather quickly.

I understand why Natasha wanted to be the one to go, I understand that she didn’t want Clint’s family to lose their husband/father and that her true family was the Avengers. I get that.  It doesn’t mean I enjoy or agree with the decision they made any more.

It doesn’t make me any less tired of watching female characters die for the sake of men and their families.

Natasha Romanoff sacrificed herself for the universe and her family and that deserves respect even if I absolutely hate it as a narrative choice.

Oh and what about the absolute NERVE of the Russos to have that awesome Lady Power Battle Strut happen but only after they killed Natasha, one of the Big Six?

Bitter? Me? Nooo.

Now, moving on to Thor.

Thor.

Oh my actual God, Thor.

The levels of disrespect Thor, Chris Hemsworth, and the fans were shown with this character arc/story-line in Endgame is breathtaking.

The absolute, shameless disrespect.

They turned Thor into a cowardly, drunken slob who has spent the last 5 years ignoring his responsibilities to what’s left of his people and instead has spent his time drinking, sulking, and literally yelling at kids over PSN??

Endgame’s Thor has the bullshit reasoning that he needs to stop trying to be who he thinks he should be and instead be who he is.

Which flies completely in the face of literally all of his character development from Thor all the way to Thor 3 and then Infinity War.

The entirety of Thor 3 was Thor’s hero’s journey culminating in him finally being the king he was always meant to be.  Finally maturing and stepping forward to lead his people.

I am supposed to believe that Thor, depressed and guilty or not for not killing Thanos when he had the chance the first time, just abandoned his people like that?

I’m supposed to believe that Thor would piss all over everything the majority of his family and friends died for?

I’m supposed to believe that Heimdall, Loki, countless soldiers, and The Warrior’s Three and Lady Sif (I guess), all died to protect Asgard, died for the people and for Thor, and Thor just what? Turns his back on all of that to become a drunk?

No, Thor wouldn’t do that.  Thor should have been down there beside Valkyrie working those fishing vessels when Bruce and Rocket came calling.  If Thor had any hesitance to join them it should have been, “I can’t abandon my people, I am needed here.”  He should have been fiercely guarding the tiny fraction of Asgard that’s left.

Thor’s depression and guilt was valid. Don’t mistake me on that. But they played it for jokes.  They made him a caricature of depression, made him “gross” and incompetent and the butt of the jokes, and in the process diminished what should have been a painful and poignant arc for Thor.

Instead we got Big Lebowski Thor, bathrobe included, who does stand up and fight yes but, in the end, gives up his crown and just fucks off to space to have petty pissing competitions with Peter Quill so he can?? find himself?? despite finding himself in Ragnarok already???

Thor’s entire arc in Endgame was shallow, mishandled, and disrespectful to the character, to Chris Hemsworth, and to the fans.

You, we, he, all deserved better than this.

Now we get to Steve.

Steve Rogers, Captain America himself.

I’ve had a lot of salt about Steve’s character and actions in the MCU but, all of that aside, he deserved so much more than what the Russo’s did to him in Endgame.

Hell he’s deserved so much more than what’s been done to him since post-CA:TFA.

But this is about Endgame specifically soooo….

Steve’s shown leading a support group in the beginning of Endgame, is shown talking about moving on and moving forward and learning to let go. Which is wonderful.  It sounds like the exact character development we’ve all been waiting for for Steve.

Which is, of course, the exact moment when Steve goes “nah just kidding, we don’t ever move on”.

Which, given the circumstances, is pretty fair.  If Steve was only thinking/talking about Thanos and the events of Infinity War.

But of course he wasn’t.

CA:CW should have been the end of the Peggy Carter saga for Steve.  He mourned her, he was finally moving forward, he’d kissed Sharon, he threw everything away to save Bucky, he gave up his shield, etc etc.

But no.  Endgame finds him right back there, clutching that goddamn compass, and making moon eyes at a woman who we all thought went on and lived a life without him, got married, had kids, and generally existed outside of Steve Rogers.

But no.  The Russo’s had to take that away from us too.

And yes yes I know I know multiverse or whatever but still.

Steve steamrolls his way through Endgame with skill and determination.  He picks up Thor’s hammer, finally worthy, which how??? Why???  (perhaps because he’s no longer keeping secrets??? Or maybe that’s just my salt talking? Who knows? Not me?)

And then he fights Thanos head to head.

(Although him wielding the hammer brought up an entire separate set of issues cause I’m pretty sure Mjolnir doesn’t actually summon lightning. Ragnarok pretty much said that the lightning has always been within Thor.  Mjolnir was just a control accessory.  But, you know, Russos *jazzhands*)

And then, in the end, he insists on returning the Stones on his own.

Only he doesn’t come back like he was supposed to.

Instead we’re given old Steve Rogers.

Because Steve returned the Stones and then ….went and found Peggy Carter and got married and lived an entire life with her ignoring everything he would have known was going to happen to her and around the both of them or something???

Or maybe not if the multiverse thing holds up but then who knows any more???

But then how did Old Steve end up right there by that lake on that day at that right time if he’s technically from a different multiverse???

Either way Sam gets his shield and the mantle of Captain America, which was fantastic, and Bucky more than likely knew Steve’s plan all along but the best read I really got on him was basically “eh” so he might well have been happy for Steve too.

But still, instead of finally achieving peace and continuing to learn to live in the future with Bucky and Sam and the remnants of the Avengers, his family and the life he’s built there over the past years, instead of putting the shield down because he’s learned to let go in the now, Steve only puts the shield down because he chooses the past.

He chooses the past over all of that and all of the people left who love him. Sure the argument could be said that he knew they’d be alright but still.

There is a deep well of dissatisfaction inside of me as to how Steve’s entire ending arc was handled.  Why did peace only come to Steve after Tony and Natasha were both dead and then was only found in the past?

No disrespect to Peggy Carter, I adore her, but were the relationships he had in the future worth so little that the past was the only place he could find happiness?  A past with a woman that he knows loved him but still moved on and found happiness outside of him, lived a full and happy life without him?

Steve didn’t get a character arc so much as he got a character circle.  A character loop.  He went right back to where he started.

Endgame erases all of the character development Steve underwent post-Avengers.  Just brushes it all under the rug.

The Russo’s stole the character development Steve Rogers spent a decade undergoing to give him their version of a happy ending.

They robbed him and us both of every bit of growth and forward motion Steve has underwent and I will never forgive them for that.

And now we get to Tony Stark.

Anthony Edward Stark.

The Iron Man.

Tony’s arc is, was, the longest and best developed arc in the entirety of the MCU.

It’s spanned 10+ years and has been nurtured and hand fed by Robert Downey Jr.

If Endgame got one thing right, one thing at all, it’s how they handled the majority of Tony’s arc.

From him laying the smack down on Steve once he was home, finally venting his emotions and his anger, all the way to him solving time travel before tucking his kid into bed, and then building an Infinity Gauntlet on his own even though Thanos committed genocide to get the one he had.

Tony Stark’s arc was glorious and expected and sad.

I think that my one almost complaint is that Tony stopped for 5 years.  On one hand he deserved the rest, deserved the chance to find happiness.  He was hurt and tired and he’d faced his demons and been left bleeding out with the death of half the universe weighing on his shoulders.

He deserved to just stop for a while.

On the other hand stopping is not something Tony has ever been good at, just like Pepper said.  A part of me thought Tony would be working, frantically, to find something, anything, to turn back the hands of time.  To track Thanos down. To get the Stones and then to get everything else back.

To get Peter and all of the others back.

But that’s not the route they went and I’m … okay? I guess, with that.

Tony was validated and vindicated and everyone would have finally listened to him.  It only took the death of half of the universe to do it.  But he was too tired, too hurt and untrusting to keep pushing.  I can respect that.

But of course once an idea worms its way inside Tony can’t let it go.  So he solves time travel on the fly and sets out to save the world.

Again.

His one stipulation is that he will do anything, everything, he has to in order to keep what he has now.  His wife Pepper and Morgan, his sweet little daughter.

So of course he doesn’t get to do that either.

After all of the blood, sweat, suffering, and mental illnesses, Tony doesn’t get his happy ending.  Not really.

He gets to rest, yes, but he loses out on everything he wanted to do with his kid.  In the process of saving the universe he becomes the one thing he never wanted to be for Morgan, a distant father.

A face on a screen, stories, memories other people have.

No matter how many holograms or inventions or whatever Tony left to Morgan, it’ll never replace him.

Morgan got 5 years with her father.  She’ll spend the rest of her life hearing stories about him, about how much of a hero he was.  And hopefully, with Pepper and all the others behind her, Tony will remain a hero to her and will not, instead, become her version of Captain America.  An untouchable symbol that Morgan will never live up to.

So, in the end, Tony sacrifices once again.

Watches the future he wanted crumble to dust in his fingers, lightning scorching him from the inside out as infinity rips him apart.

And he dies there, surrounded by some of the people who love him best.

His best friend.

His wife.

The son he almost had.

And, despite all of that, it is very very fitting that his death was at his own hands.

Thanos could take out half the universe, he could traverse time and space, he could humble Thor, terrorize the Hulk, rip Steve Roger’s up, survive shield and hammer and so much more, but the one thing he couldn’t do?

He couldn’t kill Tony Stark.

The only thing that could kill Iron Man, could kill Tony Stark, was his own heart.

Tony Stark takes the Infinity Stones in hand knowing how this is going to end, knowing that Stephen Strange set him on this path years ago.

Because didn’t Strange warn him?  Didn’t Strange tell him outright “I’ll let the kid and you both die to protect the Time Stone”?

Tony just never expected it to take a few hours and then 5 more years for Strange’s promise to finally be fulfilled.

So Tony does it knowing that after everything he’s been through, all of the pain and the suffering and the battles, it was only enough to have earned 5 years of happiness, 5 years of his dream.

5 years of being the father he always swore he’d be.

Tony Stark takes the Infinity Stones and dies for the entire universe, for his family, for his daughter.  Dies knowing that he’ll be doing the one thing he didn’t want to do, swore he would never do.

Leaving them behind.

Tony Stark brings us full circle as he stands as both equal and mirror of Thanos once again.

Man to Titan.  Good Father to Bad Father.  Life to Death.

Tony Stark picks up the weight of the universe and then he dies making sure that it has a future free from the same fear that has haunted him for a decade.

A warm light for all mankind, sent to sleep, to rest, knowing that finally everything will be okay.

And all he had to do was die for it.

So, I’ll close this out saying this:

This was written in one solid push after my first viewing and Endgame was dissatisfying for me as you might have guessed.  I am disappointed and angry at so much they chose to do to end out this iconic decade of cinema and to close out these character’s arcs.

There were a lot of points and little details I didn’t get to cover in this and perhaps a lot of points you might not agree with me on.

That’s okay.

Because, no matter what, there is one thing I know for sure.

We, I, will always have Tony Stark and the lessons he taught me.  The pain he endured and shared with all of us.  The bravery and strength he inspired in so many of us as we watched him struggle with physical and mental illnesses on screen.  As we watched him obsess and stress and love and grow.

I have never loved a character more than I love Tony Stark.

I have never been impacted by a character as much as I have been by Tony Stark.

I’m not sure if I ever will again.

So, Tony Stark is Iron Man.

He always will be.

And he saved more than just some fictional universe.

He saved a lot of us along the way too.

And we’ll always love him for that.

[kevintor]

I Watch a Movie I Should Have Seen: Hocus Pocus

I miss doing these entries. Mostly I miss adding movies to my watched list. Obviously, I’ve never seen Hocus Pocus. That’s why we’re here.

What did I know about Hocus Pocus? I knew there were witches and I knew Bette Midler had fun teeth. And she certainly did!

My thoughts:

We open on Salem in the 1600s following the shadow of a flying witch. The music was straight out of the Danny Elfman playbook but I guess they couldn’t get him so they found an equivalent Ray Parker, Jr. to Elfman’s Huey Lewis. (If you don’t know)

Pink smoke comes out of the chimney of the witch house which means someone’s gender reveal party resulted in a girl! Unfortunately they had to sacrifice a different little girl to find out.

The old-timey boy we meet is wearing a shirt that can only be described as billowy. He should take off like a kite when he runs. Yet somehow when he violently tumbles down a forest hill, none of that very excessive fabric gets caught on anything. Is the fabric even there or are we imagining it?

The witches (Sanderson Sisters) use a book made of human skin and a functioning eyeball. I shall call this book “Columbo.”

It’s very nice of them to put a mill wheel next to the witch house for the boy to climb.

Okay, so Bette Midler has lightning fingers like Emperor Palpatine.

I honestly thought the witches were going to be misunderstood and everyone would win at the end but killing a little girl for her youth and turning the boy into an immortal cat really puts a big wrench in the redemption arc chances.

The townspeople stage a hanging. The witches curse the town that they will return much like Pennywise only scarier.

We fast forward to find out that the opening is a story that is told in a Salem high school class where the kids apparently range in age from 14-28.

A new-to-town California boy (Max) doesn’t buy into all the witch lore. No mention on why his first day of school is Halloween. Parents did not plan that move well.

Max is into Allison, the pretty girl in school that leads with her teeth in every conversation. Did Rami Malek pull some his Freddy Mercury from her?

Max rides his bike home from school at super speed. He is either an exceptional mountain biking improviser or he practiced it the day before to be really ready for school. Probably the latter.

On his shortcut through the cemetery, he runs into two kids, Jay and Ice. Jay seems to be all the bad parts of Bill and Ted combined and Ice seems to be 40.

Jay and Ice take Max’s sneakers because that’s what bullies in the early 90s did. It makes pedaling home slower which may be for the best. He rode his bike too quickly.

Max does not like being here in Salem anymore. We learn this as he angrily takes off his hat, backpack, and jacket.

Max comforts himself by awkwardly hugging and cooing to his pillow pretending it’s Allison. His little sister, Dani, catches the awkwardness, gets on the bed, and simulates being Allison which is normal.

The house appears to have an unlimited number of stairs to climb up to get away in frustration.

Max reluctantly takes his sister trick-or-treating. He has the appropriate level of older brother standoffishness.

Jay and Ice stop the sister asking for her candy. Max gives the candy to the bullies and she tells him he should have been a man and fought them. Again one of them is like 40.

Max makes up with her using a pouty face. Like! A! Man!

They find a rich house that they assume will make them bob for apples. This is a bad idea even in non-pandemic times. Never bob for apples at a stranger’s house. No matter how rich they are. That’s how rich people fatten you up to make you easier to hunt.

Max and Dani let themselves inside and start robbing the place of their Raisinets and O Henry bars. Rich people give out terrible candy.

Turns out the rich house belongs to Allison. They are having a party and everyone there is authentically dressed like royals. They did not get any of these costumes at Spirit Halloween.

Dani tells Allison that she can’t wear Allison’s royal dress because she doesn’t have yabbos and proceeds to tell her that Max loves her yabbos. This girl is outrageous. Or rude. It was a fine line in 1993.

Max asks Allison to take them to the Sanderson Sisters’ house. She tells him she’s going to quickly change out of a dress that must have taken her 45 minutes to get into.

The house is no different than it used to be. The spell book is still there. How have Jay and Ice not stolen anything from it?

Immortal Cat attacks Max when he wants to light the “virgin candle” that will bring back the Sanderson sisters. It’s a great sequence where he says the name of the movie (always important), then pulls a Zippo out of his pocket (which all kids who don’t smoke have), and lights the candle.

It starts things. Hair blows a lot. This is why they had Max be a surfer boy from California. For this hair effect.

This movie cares a lot about someone being a virgin. Even Dani knows what a virgin is. Are they covering this in her second grade class? Do the parents know? What does the PTA think?

The candle makes the Sisters return and they try to keep Dani. Bette Midler uses more of her Star Wars lightning fingers but Allison saves the day.

The cat can talk and the chances of me liking this movie just took a huge hit.

Max steals Columbo, the spell book.

The writers of the movie do the right thing by having the Sisters be scared of everything modern like roads and fire trucks. Nice touch.

The Sisters only have tonight, which adds the right amount of stakes, to get the spell book back. I don’t think I could make it if they had a week or so.

The Sisters raise the dead causing a very reluctant zombie (RZ) to chase after the kids. Most zombies love what they do so this is a fun choice.

Immortal Cat gets run over by a bus but lives because he’s immortal. We needed proof because the 300 years of being a cat was not enough.

Garry Marshall plays a guy dressed as the devil which they play for fun as the Sisters worship him but we can’t gloss over that fact that Fake Devil’s wife is played by his real-life sister, Penny Marshall. It’s not disturbing. They’re acting!

Children steal the Sisters’ brooms which probably won’t matter later.

They find a Halloween party that Max’s parents went to. When Max’s dad meets Allison, he kisses her hand. I am going to do the same to whoever my kid brings home one day. “It’s from Hocus Pocus. That movie’s fun. It’s not weird.”

Bette Midler gets to sing a song. That should satisfy the requirements from her contract. The song puts a spell on the partygoers forcing them to dance until they die. Somehow the kids are immune to it. Can they shut off their ears? Are they also magical?

The kids lure the Sisters into the school incinerator and burn them alive. It’s a strong play. The kids celebrate as if there is not 30 minutes left in the movie.

Immortal Cat, in a time of reflection, brings up his sister and Max says “You really miss her, huh?” He has been trapped as a cat after failing to save his sister’s life 300 years earlier. He misses her. Why not “Hey, do you ever wonder what might have happened if you saved her life?”

Without any explanation, the Sisters are fine. They run into Jay and Ice who insult them. The Sisters cage Jay and Ice and make them hang from the witch house ceiling. The bullies are crying. Maybe they aren’t so tough after all. <High Fives No One>

Allison decides to find a spell to uncat Immortal Cat. She opens Columbo causing it to glow. The glow lures Bette Midler and the Sisters to her. Allison fails to notice the glow but learns that salt can keep them safe.

The Sisters steal the book and Dani when Allison only uses the salt to protect herself. She really took care of number one here.

Now Sarah Jessica Parker gets to sing a real creepy song that summons all the children from the town. It really shows you the power of song. Again, Max and Allison must have turned off their hearing for this.

Max and Allison trick the Sisters into thinking sun is coming early by using a car headlight. It works but I don’t understand why. They had the sun 300 years ago. They know what it looks like. “Is that a person in a brown sweat suit and green hat or a tree?”

While the Sisters are scared of the car headlight, Max steals back his sneakers but doesn’t save the bullies. How does he know he won’t need the bullies to be on his side in the future? Has he not seen every other high school movie?

They drive away and Bette Midler brooms after them. We know how fast Max likes to go so it is impressive Bette Midler can keep up.

Reluctant Zombie shows up and Max pulls a knife on him. So Max has a knife and a zippo. He might be a problem.

They take the final showdown to a cemetery which is an odd choice. Why not a miniature golf course or a TCBY. Were they still around in 1993?

Max brings a bat to a magic fight. Allison still has her salt. “Bats and salt: Working together to inconvenience witches since 1881!”

Max sacrifices himself to save Dani. The sun comes up as Bette Midler is sucking the life out of Max. Just when you think it might be a better sun-impersonating headlight, Bette Midler turns into a statue and explodes. Definitely the sun.

Immortal Cat dies so he can be with his sister. Billowy shirt ghost appears to say thanks with a kiss on Dani’s cheek (so normal) before he runs off with his ghost sister for eternity.

They did it! They saved Salem! Quite a first day for Max..

The movie was fine. I hate talking animals unless they are cartoons so that didn’t help. And why did they care so much about virgins? A friend told me that “virgin” meant “pure of heart.” Well then they should have said “pure of heart.” And if I can suggest, between Max’s predilection for weapons and Allison’s selfishness with the salt, I don’t think they should stop being “pure of heart” with each other. They aren’t a good couple. Going through a traumatic thing like killing summoned witches from the Pilgrim days causes feelings that can’t last.

[aion-rsa]

Over the Moon Review: Lunar Lessons in Grief

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Animated movies for children walk a tricky tightrope between imparting sobering life lessons about coping with loss and confronting societal evils, without also extinguishing all of the magic that guides a child through the world. It’s rare to find a kids’ movie that doesn’t involve the loss of at least one parent, yet this trope is usually more backstory than anything else—a distant event that establishes the emotional stakes but isn’t actively engaged with. Not so in Over the Moon, Pearl Studio’s poignant musical about a Chinese girl who builds a rocket to seek out the Goddess of the Moon. The film, written by the late Audrey Wells (Under the Tuscan Sun, The Hate U Give) and directed by Glen Keane (The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast), gives the stages of grief as much weight and care as the phases of the moon.

For young Fei Fei (Cathy Ang), there is no question about the different magics that stitch her world together: it’s in the mooncakes that her Mother (Ruthie Ann Miles) and Father (John Cho) lovingly bake for the Mid-Autumn Festival, and in her parents’ stories about the tragic love between Moon Goddess Chang’e and human archer Houyi. When a magic potion conferred immortality upon Chang’e, but tore her away from the mortal Houyi, the goddess chose to live on the moon. Even if she could not be with her beloved on Earth, she would still be as close as possible, looking down on him. The myth takes on special significance for Fei Fei, as Mother quickly becomes ill and passes away, all in the span of the movie’s second song.

Four years later, the grief is no less sharp for preteen Fei Fei, who projects onto her widower father the role of Houyi. But when the Mid-Autumn Festival comes around and Father looks to be moving on with a new family in the kind Mrs. Zhong (Sandra Oh) and her hyperactive son Chin (Robert G. Chiu), Fei Fei fears that he has forgotten her mother altogether. Fueled by anger and an unwavering belief in the existence of the lunar goddess a mere 238,900 miles away, Fei Fei bargains with her sorrow by building a rocket and launching it at the moon. If only she can prove that Chang’e exists, then Father won’t stop hoping to be reunited with Mother someday.

But the movie really sparkles with its creativity when she gets there, and Chang’e (Hamilton’s Phillipa Soo) isn’t the ethereal, serene figure of Mother’s stories. Upon her DIY moon landing, Fei Fei discovers that the goddess long ago dropped that mantle in order to become an “extraordinary, ultra-luminary” popstar: lunarpunk by way of Lady Gaga-inspired costumes and K-pop-inspired earworm beats. Centuries of rattling around a neon prison of her own making—literally, created by her tears—has transformed Chang’e into a vain, self-obsessed performer who wants only the validation of her peons’ applause. This Chang’e resembles more a cruel queen than the maternal figure Fei Fei needs

Sony Pictures Imageworks (the company behind Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse) deftly balances the magical with the scientific, the complex with the simple, in animating this movie that can best be described as a space fantasy. On Earth it’s refined by the incredible details, down to the design on the mooncakes, and the photorealistic fireworks acting as rocket boosters. A single spectacular sequence combines crimson-and-golden lion guardians, like something out of an old painting, with the desolate, craggy surface of the moon. Then there’s Chang’e’s entire neon aesthetic, bright and pulsing with life, as if it were something out of The Lego Movie.

Meanwhile the soundtrack is best appreciated not for individual numbers—no single song attains Disney classic status—but rather as the sum of its parts. There is a clear emotional arc to these varied numbers that when experienced as a whole is remarkable. The movie’s first few tracks draw their inspiration from traditional Chinese music, with later numbers layering on the K-pop influence, and then ultimately stripping the songs back down to their purest essence, matching Chang’e’s various phases.

That said, the songs do peak via the goddess’ popstar persona, with the most memorable numbers including her epic introductory performance of “Ultraluminary” and “Hey Boy,” a fun ping-pong/rap battle between Chang’e and Chin. While the team of Christopher Curtis, Marjorie Duffield, and Helen Park worked together on all of the songs, no doubt it was Park’s influence that made these particular numbers soar. (She was behind the 2017 Off-Broadway musical KPOP, in which Ang starred.) Composer Steven Price’s alternately playful and stirring score ties it all together wonderfully.

These sequences are so spectacular that it leaves something to be desired by a late in the movie scavenger hunt where Fei Fei begins pursuing a “gift” to save her family. Unfortunately, it is no more than a lunar MacGuffin: a distraction from the grief that weighs down both Fei Fei and Chang’e herself.

Nevertheless, Over the Moon never loses sight of the fact that this is not a story about gaining something or someone, but rather about learning how to cope with an unimaginable absence. Tragically, Audrey Wells died in 2018 following a long battle with cancer. A prolific screenwriter with a talent for writing across genres (rom-com The Truth About Cats & Dogs, Disney’s The Kid and the live-action George of the Jungle), Wells left behind a tremendous gift in this script. This is a heartfelt, empathetic lesson in moving on, written by someone who must have been considering exactly that ordeal from the other side. (It should be noted that Jennifer Yee McDevitt and Alice Wu contributed additional material to the screenplay.)

Parents may wind up ugly-sobbing while their children dance along to Chang’e’s pop numbers, but hopefully the film will provide the opportunity to talk candidly about embracing grief and memorializing those lost while looking to the future—magic for all viewers, regardless of age.

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Over the Moon is available Oct. 23 on Netflix.

The post Over the Moon Review: Lunar Lessons in Grief appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[janiedean]

Mood lightener ask, I am intrigued by book recs from you since you mentioned something about a dinosaur series a bit ago? Color me intrigued so top five books you'd recommend for people who enjoy ASoIaF?

OH GOD THANK YOU XDDD

okay so, I’m taking the dinosaurs out first because... well. hahah.

the dinosaur lords is ABSOLUTELY a thing you might wanna try out if you like asoiaf for reasons, BUT I’m warning you, the author died before finishing it (unless he wrote the last three but didn’t have publishing contract for the second part of the six-books plan but no one quite knows and no idea) so most likely you’ll never get a conclusion, warning you beforehand so that’s why I’m putting it outside the top five. BUT IF YOU LIKE ASOIAF YOU SHOULD STILL TRY IT because:

the author was a friend of grrm’s and it shows;

it’s literally asoiaf except people go around on dinosaurs;

NO, REALLY;

there’s at least a couple characters who are totally asoiaf homages (there’s a dude named jaume who’s basically jaime and loras’s lovechild I SWEAR HE IS HE’S EVEN THE HEAD OF THE LOCAL KINGSGUARD) but not in a way that makes it look like plagiarism;

admittedly it takes a bit to find its rhythm, but when it does it’s really good because the worldbuilding is amazing and like... it’s basically fictional medieval europe with dinosaurs but to a really good degree and the representation is a+++, in the sense that idk one of the main four is obv. irish romani (or what irish romani are in that universe), a few are def. catalan, the french guy is really so french you wanna die, the italian dude actually comes from the oldest university in the realm, there’s people from russia/greece and the protagonist is basically some three eastern europeans countries thrown in one character but not stereotypically, like the guy is obv. a mix of russian/polish/mongol and he’s really a good character in that sense, there’s germans too, spanish ofc, like it’s really good in that sense

DINOSAURS FIGHTING DINOSAURS WHILE THEIR KNIGHTS RIDE THEM

there’s an entire supernatural angle with ARCHANGELS WHO MIGHT BE ROBOTS which is honestly intriguing and a+ and I just wish the books hadn’t finished just before going deep into it

if you also want lgbt+ rep............. well, two out of the three supposedly straight characters are irish romani dude and the protagonist and I can 100% assure you that everyone I dragged into reading those books agreed with me that in each single scene they have together (ie: most of them) they’re gayer than Actual Gay People in these books, but other than them half of the cast is bi, the gay sex is better written than the straight sex (forreal there’s one of the few actually.... sexy m/m oral sex scenes I read in published fiction???), their sexuality is not the whole of their personality but it’s fairly stated that most of them are Really Not Straight and it’s really done well;

actually THE ENTIRE KINGSGUARD IS GUYS WHO FIGHT VERY WELL BUT LOVE ARTS AS WELL AND THEY ALL SLEEP WITH EACH OTHER EXCEPT THE TOKEN STRAIGHT FRENCH CHARACTER THAT THE JAIME AND LORAS LOVECHILD HAS A CRUSH ON and ngl I thought they would end up fucking at some point if the books went on so... XDDD anyway a+++ kingsguard >>> the one in asoiaf;

ngl at some points there’s some badly written sex scenes (the straight ones lmao I’m 99,9% sure milàn was not that straight himself) and it’s not half as complex as asoiaf and doesn’t have as many characters but it has the same scheme except with dinosaurs, archangels being robots and three people are straight and two of them are in love anyway;

so tldr I greatly recommend the dinosaur lords if you want something similar to asoiaf, don’t expect an ending, enjoy dinosaurs and a lot of nice rep for everyone. also Y’ALL HAVE TO SHIP ROB AND KARYL WITH ME BECAUSE THEY’RE RIDICULOUS.

.... wow, and you asked me the top five. lmaaaaao. anyway, given that the dinosaur lords will not be in the top five, I’ll go and advise you to read:

IAN TREGILLIS’S ALCHEMY WARS, which is not like **fantasy** but it’s alternate history where the netherlands win the colonial wars in the 16th century because they figure out how to make brass androids and they use it to basically destroy the british and drive the french to canada while they conquer the US instead of the british. it’s a trilogy, it’s completed, it’s flawless and features: FRENCH CATHOLICS VS DUTCH CALVINISTS WITH THE FRENCH WANTING TO TAKE BACK PARIS, PREDESTINATION VS FREE WILL IN THE ANDROIDS DISCOURSE, REHASH OF 16TH/17TH CENTURY PHILOSOPHY DONE GREATLY, the greatest female character of genre literature since grrm (berenice GUYS BERENICE IS THE BEST GOD I LOVE HER SFM), the evil antagonist who’s a gal cersei wishes she was (like she’s terrible but she’s competent), the davos-like french general who knits in his spare time and the protagonist is the cinnamon roll-est android ever I love him sfm OH and the one time I cried because of a catholic fictional priest. guys tregillis is an a+++ top notch writer who has no time to waste with fillers and knows how to write a story even if HE HATES ME AND HE WANTS ME TO SUFFER and like... alchemy wars is really really good give it a go k?1,5. tregillis also wrote another alternate history trilogy, the milkweed tryptich, which is basically ‘the nazis create the x-men to win the war and so the british counteract by evoking ctuhulu and it goes exactly as it promises’. now: I have a love-hate rship with that one because the last book is narratively working but I hate everything it chose to be for reasons also i wanna punch the protagonist in the face, but thesuperevilgirl is totes the cersei of the situation and her brother has.... some srs jaime moments lmao he’s also my favorite ofc god klaus ily so much, and it has... some... well... ENGAGING choices lol I mean i loved book one and two and the third I did reluctantly but it could be an option? anyway ian tregillis is amazing and y’all should read him bye

the curse of chalion by lois mcmaster bujold has, as the amazing soul who recommended it to me pointed out, a protagonist that manages to be jaime and theon and partially sandor put into one. IT AMAZINGLY WORKS. the plot is kiiiinda more straightforward if you know spanish history bc the moment you figure out it’s the fantasy version of how castille and aragona united you know where it heads, but it has a lot of nice twists, also some a+ lgbt+ rep tho not as much as the dinosaur lords and the protagonist is.... really great I love him XD also ngl the fact that it ends fairly nicely is a balm so I’d try it, there’s other books in the same verse but I haven’t gotten around to read them yet

... guys stephen king’s dark tower is my fantasy favorite series EVER like ever, I love asoiaf and brienne is in my heart and she’s my true rep but nothing will top TDT for me ever for reasons and while it’s a completely different thing I still recommend it. caveat: I hate the last book with a vengeance and I think king fucked up the last two thirds real bad, but..... hey, it’s finished and the rest is 100% worth it. also jaime is totally the lovechild of the male protagonist and the other male-coprotagonist who are also my #1 ship ever in history so I’d give it a go ;) ;) ;) also while eddie’s my fave roland deschain is honestly the kind of character that you can only bow in front of like if I ever made an oc one hundredth as good as roland is in conception and execution and everything I’d feel like I accomplished everything I need in life. IT’S WORTH IT. TRY IT.

terry pratchett’s discworld: yes, it’s 41 books. yes it’s a lot. but you can read them by cycle which makes it a lot easier, they’re fun (the first three are a bit meh but the rest is all top notch I swear), they’re sarcastic and witty and delightful and it’s a++++ fantasy and I’ve been wanting to do the asoiaf au for ages sigh but anyway if you don’t want dark and grim but also want a+++ narrative, good satire about how our world sucks and a lot of fun at the expense of our pop culture (guys the book about their version of australia is a hoot and there’s a leonardo da vinci!!) GO FOR IT. IT’S AMAZING. also your life isn’t complete until you read about sam vimes and the local version of death speaking in capslock and being a cat person. also charles dance plays one of the mains in one of the tv adaptations and he was delightful xD

this is going to gain me rotten tomatoes, but....... grrm’s shared series wild cards. that he has going on with fifteen other writers including the aforementioned tregillis and milàn.yes, it’s like 28 books by now. no, it’s not perfect by all means and certain arcs are a total wtf and you don’t even have to read all of it, but especially grrm’s characters in it are obvious templates for asoiaf people (the powerful and amazing turtle is dark sam tarly and jay ackroyd is basically jaime without the incest and the extra good looks while lohengrin is brienne’s spiritual twin except for the looks), the shared worldbuilding is great, the alternate history story where buddy holly didn’t die and some of the protagonists organized a concert for him bc he was poor as hell was genius, and while a lot of the older stuff is dated and most likely was progressive for the eighties and would read a bit wonky now they always were super-inclusive, it has a bunch of nonwhite/nonstraight characters (esp. in the last books but there were also in the old ones, and the longest-standing gay dude since the eighties got a husband in the last trilogy!!! it was so ;_;), the alternate history is really good imvho and if you enjoy asoiaf you probably would like most of wild cards. if you want a reading order I made one here. xD

here you go sorry it took me one hour to answer it but IT GOT LONG XDD

[one-of-us-blog]

The Woman Who Lived (Doctor Who S09E06)

Today Drew is forced to watch and recap “The Woman Who Lived”, the sixth episode of Doctor Who’s ninth series and the conclusion of the series’ third two-episode arc. The Doctor’s Viking days are behind him, but the young girl he made immortal recently is still kicking a few centuries later and she’s not terribly thrilled about it. Can the Doctor reawaken Ashildr’s humanity? Can he get her to remember that even mortal lives have value? Why does it smell like cats around here?

Keep reading to find out…

Eli, once again you’ve knocked it out of the park, you punctual son of a gun! I like that we get a bit of continuity with Dorothy having an addictive personality, which we got to see when she temporarily took up smoking again awhile back. And I love Rose getting her Bob Ross on! I agree her subplot didn’t really develop, but I really loved the moment when she let Dorothy knew what was up and got Dorothy to admit she had a problem. You did a great job, buddy, and even though I have a feeling you’re not going to be thrilled with the season finale I’m still excited for you to get all the way through season five! For now, though, we’ve got a little arc to wrap up!

Buttocks tight!

Episode directed by Ed Bazalgette and written by Catherine Tregenna

We start off in 1651, where we see a highwayman known as the Knightmare robbing some fancy folk. The fancy folk aren’t willing to give up their goods, but then they see that the Knightmare is in league with something which has glowing red eyes. The Doctor suddenly arrives and begins following a signal. The Doctor interrupts the Knightmare’s robbery, and follows the signal to a trunk owned by the fancy folk. The Doctor and the Knightmare bungle each other’s heist, and the fancy folk get away with whatever the Doctor was tracking. The Knightmare removes his mask and reveals herself to be Ashildr, the Viking girl the Doctor made immortal in the last episode.

After the credits, we find out that the Doctor has been keeping tabs on Ahsildr; the last time he saw her, she was founding a leper colony. She isn’t thrilled that he left her to chill out in a leper colony, but says they should celebrate his arrival anyway. He says he’s here on business, which forces her to realize that he still hasn’t come to take her away. Ashildr has some immortality-related issues; she’s got a human brain in her head, and it can only contain so many years’ worth of memories. Her days as a Viking happened, like, 800 years ago, and she can only sort of remember the village she used to love so dearly, and she didn’t even remember her name was Ahsildr until the Doctor reminder her. She calls herself Me now, though she’s had quite a few names over the years. Those names died with the people who’ve known her over the years, and now she’s a singular, self-sufficient being with no ties to anyone.

Me takes the Doctor to her massive home, where she lives with a mysterious servant. The Doctor explains he’s tracking some sort of alien material on Earth, and has to get it from the fancy folk. Me is stinking rich from all her robbing and just being alive for so long, and says she only robs for the fun of it. She and the Doctor are after the same prize, which the fancy folk believe to be a rare and beautiful gem. Me talks over some of her past exploits with the Doctor; she had a stint as a medieval queen, helped end the Hundred Years’ War while disguised as a man, cured a village of scarlet fever only to be drowned as a witch, lived through the plague, as well as taking turns as a scientist, surgeon, inventor and composer. Me explains that since it only allegedly takes 1,000 hours of practice to master a skill and she has a lot more than 1,000 hours to kill, she’s gotten really, really good at a lot of stuff. The Doctor points out that while Me can’t die of natural causes such as old age or disease, she can still be hurt and it’s theoretically possible for her to be killed. Believe it or not, Me’s not worried about that and has faith in her ability to get out of any scrape she finds herself in.

As cool as her life has been, Me can’t remember most of it so she keeps extensive journals to help keep everything straight. One good thing about Me’s unreliable memory is that she can’t remember all the people she’s loved and lost over the last few decades. Her journals tell her she’s been through hell and back emotionally, but at this point her emotional well has kind of dried up. She feels she’s done all she can on Earth, and she’s sick of being stuck on a planet with people who live and die in a blink of her eye. She wants the Doctor to take her with him, and while he doesn’t turn her down outright he also doesn’t commit to giving her a ride. Me decides to help the Doctor get his hands on the space thingy he wants so badly, and plans to break into the fancy folk’s home. The Doctor flips through some of her journals, noticing that some pages which were apparently especially painful have been torn out. The Doctor reads a particularly rough section which details the deaths of Me’s own children at the hands of the plague, and how she decided never to have any more children after suffering that loss. From that moment on she pledged to live alone, only as Me. Speaking of, Me goes out to visit her mysterious, red-eyed pal stationed outside her house. She’s struck some kind of deal with the thing, and says that if their offer still stands she’ll have the space thingy to them by the morning. Ruh-roh, I smell a double-cross!

Back inside, the Doctor apologizes to Me for leaving her alone for so long and allowing her to suffer so much. Me accuses him of trying to fix her emotional problems, and she’s not interested. She continues to drop hints that she knows more about the Doctor than she should, including his reputation as the man who runs away, and the Doctor’s positively suspized. The two of them set off for the fancy folks’ home and break in. Despite being mid-heist, the Doctor decides this is a good time to ask Me why she hasn’t used the second medkit he left for her and made herself an immortal companion. Me still has the medkit, but says no one is good enough for her to use it on. The Doctor insists that Me shouldn’t be alone and that humans require companionship, but Me’s not interested. They find the space thingy, which the Doctor identifies as the Eyes of Hades and which, does, in fact, resemble a beautiful gem. They snatch the Eyes, only for the Doctor to slip up and alert the master of the house to their presence. Me is ready to ice the fool with her pistol, but the Doctor’s not having that sort of unnecessary bloodshed.

The pair of thieves hide in the chimney, and Me decides this is a good time to make another case for her joining the Doctor in the TARDIS. She points out that Clara’s not here, and that because Clara is mortal she’s going to die on the Doctor one day. She asks how many Claras the Doctor’s gone through in his time, and the Doctor doesn’t give her an answer. They make it out of the chimney and head back for Me’s bachelorette pad, only to run into some into some other highwaymen. Me quickly gets the better of them, and once again the Doctor has to stop her from killing them. He tries to instill in her a value of mortal human life, but, once again, she’s not interested. Back home, the Doctor meets Me’s old-as-balls servant and sees her decked out as a fancy lady.

The Doctor says he’s going to stick around and keep an eye on Me because they make a good team, but Me says that if that’s true then he should just take her on as a companion. She tearfully asks why he won’t take her with him, and he flatly says to do so wouldn’t be good. Me’s tears turn to rage, and the Doctor hears the roars of a very large cat. Enter the red-eyed dude, who turns out to be Leandro, who starred opposite Linda Hamilton in the 1987 fantasy-drama series, Beauty and the Beast. Me reveals her double-cross, and lets Leandro know she’s got the goods. The Doctor wants to know what the two are plotting, and Leandro lets him know he escaped a coup on his planet using the Eyes of Hades. He lost it when he crashed on Earth, and Me found him soon after the crash. Me says they’re going to use the amulet to open a portal so they can travel the galaxy, but the Doctor knows there’s something else to this or Me wouldn’t have kept it from him. Leandro says the amulet requires a sacrifice to work, as all good technology does, and Me and Leandro are going to kill Clayton, Me’s servant, in order to activate it.

Me ties the Doctor up and vents to him how hard it’s been to live among people who live such short lives, and how he’s able to flit around time and space while she has to go the long way through history. Me says the Doctor made her what it is, but he says he was only trying to save her life. He didn’t know she’d turn into a sociopath after a few centuries. She says he didn’t save her life, he trapped her in it. He says she’s playing with fire by working with Leandro and trying to open up this spooky death portal, but she ain’t scared. Some handy guards arrive, and say the highwayman Me ran into earlier is going to be hanged. Me decides to use that dude’s death to open the portal instead of killing Clayton, so, I mean, that’s something. She also sells the Doctor out as the Knightmare’s sidekick, and the guards instantly believe Lady Me. Me and Leandro set off for the execution, and the Doctor’s able to bribe the guards into letting him go so he can set off after the would-be space travelers.

Time comes for the execution, and Me and Leandro are ready for action. The Doctor arrives in time to use the psychic paper to get a pardon for the highwayman, but unfortunately there’s still a bounty on the Doctor’s life and the crowd calls for him to executed, instead. Instead of letting the Doctor be killed, Me slaps the Eyes of Hades on the highwayman’s chest, killing him and opening up a portal in the sky. Leandro reveals his furry self, then promptly informs Me that she’s not going anywhere. See, this isn’t a portal through which Leandro plans to escape Earth, it’s a portal through which he plans to bring his own people and absolutely wreck Earth. Me is horrified as Leandro attacks some peasants, and realizes she’s not as heartless as she thought she was. She actually cares about the defenseless mortals around her, and she says she and the Doctor have to help them.

The Doctor says the dead highwayman is the conduit through which the portal is manifesting, so they have to fix him. Oh shit, good thing Me hasn’t used that other medkit yet! She slaps it on the dead highwayman, bringing him back to life and closing the portal. Leandro is killed by his own invasion fleet for failing them, and the highwayman is happy as a clam to not be dead anymore. In a tavern, Me, the Doctor and the highwayman celebrate over some drinks. The Doctor tells Me that the highwayman isn’t actually immortal despite having the alien medkit in his system, as most of the device’s power was probably drained by the closing of the portal. Or maybe he’ll be around for a while, who knows? Me doesn’t really want him to be immortal like her, because she doesn’t want anyone else to suffer like she has.

The Doctor’s still not taking Me with him, by the way. He says they’re the kind to go on too long, and they need to be around mortals in order to appreciate that life matters. The Doctor casually mentions Captain Jack Harkness, another immortal he actually did travel with for a minute, and says Me will meet him sooner or later. Me explains that she’s heard about the Doctor from various people throughout history, which is why she knows bits and pieces about him. He says he’ll keep an eye on her, but she says she’ll be busy looking out for the people he abandons. She styles herself as the Patron Saint of the Doctor’s Leftovers, and says that while he’s protecting Earth she’ll protect it from him. She says they’re not enemies, but they’re both going to keep the other in check.

In the TARDIS, the Doctor has a chill jam session with his guitar when he’s joined by Clara. Clara shows off a picture taken by one of her students, and in the background the Doctor catches sight of a modern-day Me. Clara asks to be taken somewhere magical and new, and the Doctor admits he’s missed her. They take off, and the Doctor ponders about what Me said about Clara’s fleeting mortality.  

The End

~~~~~

What a ride! I really liked Ashildr/Me, and I liked that we got to see the toll immortality can take on someone. With Captain Jack it just seemed like a never-ending orgy, but they really went hard with the trials and tribulations Me went through. I thought Maisie Williams did a great job portraying both the young, imaginative girl who loved her Viking village and the world-weary, scarred old woman trapped in a young woman’s body. I liked that we got two different antagonists in each episode, even though I do think Leandro was a bit much for no good reason (that being said, he was sporting some quality makeup). I don’t want to shit on Clara, because I know I’ve been doing that a lot lately, but I actually really, really liked that she was essentially not in the second half of the story. The interactions between the Doctor and Me were interesting enough on their own, and I’m glad the writers didn’t feel the need to shoehorn in a subplot where Clara and Leandro fall in love or something like that.

All in all, I give “The Girl Who Died”/“The Woman Who Lived” QQQQ on the Five Q Scale.

Tune back in soon while Eli takes a look back on things with the two-part finale of The Golden Girls’ fifth season, “The President’s Coming! The President’s Coming!”, and after that I’ll be back with my recap of the next episode of Doctor Who, “The Zygon Invasion”.

Until then, as always, thank you for reading, thank you for rusting and thank you for being One of Us!

[angies-team]

Letters (part 4)

Oh look! There’s a plot!

I ran into you today.

And by ran in, I mean we fought. And by you, I mean it wasn’t you. The Sith I faced looked like you, sounded like you, fought like you. But it wasn’t you.

Of course, I’m still going to try and get you back, but I fear that you are too far gone at this point.

You seemed to believe, somehow, that I died- by your hand. But I wasn’t there, on the mission that killed you on the mission we all thought was your last.

You seemed unable, at first, to recognize me. My hair is black now, the tips dyed a bright aqua. 

I dyed it as soon as I came home today. I took one look in the reflection of a window pane and felt sick. Because you had become something that I didn’t want to remember you as. I saw black, and thought of you, in the dark. I miss the smell of hair dye and spray paint. 

When we first began to fight, you reacted half a second slower than you would when I knew you, and after all these years, you should have been faster, so I knew…you were thinking. At least, I only knew after I’d realised who was under that mask. You knew something about me was familiar, I felt the same. But there was nothing to give me a clue as to who you could be, so how could I have-

Then again. I knew the design of your mask was familiar. I was shocked at the detail, I never imagined that an inquisitor would care much about aesthetics…yet your mask was designed to look like a loth-cat! I knew it!

I’m crying right now; do you realise that? You said The Inquisitor I faced said he killed you, that you were nothing but the shell, the old you was gone. I know, it’s close to the truth, but close doesn’t mean totally gone. Close means there’s still hope. There’s still a chance that you can be saved.

We lost Zeb, two months ago. Do you have any idea how guilty I feel? Because the bomb that killed him was mine? I threw that bomb in there, knowing fully he was still…he promised me that he’d get out safe.

He didn’t.

The last thing you said to me was a promise too. You promised we’d finish that stupid game of Sabacc. I hate that game. But you promised me you’d finish it with me.

I’m holding you to that promise.

Hera doesn’t know about this yet. At this rate…I don’t know how much longer any of us will last. It’s really just me and Hera and Chopper and Kallus. Kallus is depressed, Zeb meant a lot to him you know? Hera’s trying to stay strong, but I can see how much pain she’s in. Even Chopper is moving slower. Ap-5 still functions the same, but there’s a lot less defiance, even he can tell when people are at their limit.

Wedge has been around places. He hangs around a lot with this new Jedi your age. Name’s Luke Skywalker. I’ve heard about his dad, Anakin. He was a well-known Jedi in the clone wars. You’ll never believe who his Padawan was: Ahsoka! That’s crazy! Did you already know that? You probably did. Do.

Rex is still fighting strong. He’s strong. He’s lost so many people...he just keeps fighting. He told Luke some stories about his dad during the clone wars. We were all there though. Anakin seemed like a great guy. Rex sure admired him.

I have to go now, fill everyone in on the details. I still don’t know how to break this to Hera.

The green glow of the blade illuminated her face as she brought it down. He deflected the strike, raising up his saber and pushing back. He hadn’t expected her to be so confident with the blade, she could tell when his eyes widened as she sprung back and spun around, slicing below his shins. He recovered just in time to jump over it, bringing the red blade down on her head. She rolled away, coming up in a low crouch and swinging the saber in an arc so she was in an attack-ready position.

The Grand Inquisitor barely had time to recover from his own attack before she was running towards him again slicing at his vulnerable side. He leapt over it, flipping over and blocking three more strikes of her blade. He narrowed his eyes. Why did her form and style seem so familiar?

Finally, their blades met and he had the time to regroup and study his opponent. She seemed still young, maybe twenty-five at the most. Her hair was black, dyed bright turquoise at the ends, and was pulled back into a tight braid that fell to her lower back. Her eyes were a bright hazel, and a face flashed in his mind. He pushed it away. She’s dead.

And yet, everything about this young woman seemed so familiar. It couldn’t be coincidence.

He pushed his thoughts away as he spotted the saber in her delicate, thin fingers.

It was his.

Definitely not a coincidence.

Anger surged in him. His old master hadn’t destroyed it, after all. He gritted his teeth.

He searched through the force, looking for something, anything. Her presence was strong, powerful, yet she was not force sensitive. At least now he had an advantage. Thrusting a hand forwards, he threw her against the back wall, she sank to the floor, pressing a hand to her temples before getting up again.

The gesture made the Inquisitor freeze. There it was again, that wave of familiarity. He looked within himself, trying to find the connection, but this time something was blocking him. He pressed harder and harder but still he found nothing. Her head snapped up as he roared in frustration, eyes wide.

The Grand Inquisitor snapped his arm towards the woman and she gasped, pulled forwards until he held her by the neck, gripping firmly as she tried to claw at his hand. She could do nothing however. The saber she used- his saber- lay on the ground on the other side of the room, and her blasters were absent- she hadn’t brought them with her.

“Who are you?” He growled loosening his grip only slightly so she could speak. She was silent for a few seconds, before spitting in his face. She had guts, he’d give her that much. Not many would have the strength or the courage to do so while being choked by one of the most powerful Sith in the Galaxy. Stupid Vader. He gets all the recognition. He pulled her towards him. “WHO are you?”

She narrowed her eyes. “Why does it matter to you. You’ll kill me anyways.” She choked out.

The Grand Inquisitor heard a sharp intake of breath, and realized it was his own. Her voice…

“The lightsaber you wield. Has it always belonged to you?” She coughed and he loosened his grip, allowing her to breathe.

“I don’t see why this is so-”

“JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION.” His patience was thinning.

“Alright! Alright.” She gasped for a breath as his hand tightened around her throat, before continuing. “No, it belonged to someone I - to someone I knew a… long time ago.”

There was silence. Her name formed on his lips. The Grand Inquisitor let go of her and stumbled back. She fell to the floor, gasping for air. It was her. You lied to me! He thought, his vision turning red. You were supposed to be dead! I killed you! He ripped of the mask that covered his face, throwing it too the floor.

“No.” He whispered. “NO!” As he advanced on her, she backed up, towards his lightsaber. “Why are you here? To taunt me? What are you, a shapeshifter? Come to haunt me for my mistakes? You cannot be who you say you are. I watched you die! I held you in my arms! WHO ARE YOU?”

“I like to call myself Sabine, sometimes.” Now his saber was in her hand. She lit it, and they were bathed in light again, he lowered his face as she began to study him. “Who are you?” She bit back. He raised his gaze and she gasped.

“I think you know exactly who I am.”

[heir-to-the-diamond-throne]

hey! do you know of any mystery (fiction) podcasts i could listen to with my family? (i have some young teen siblings so it's got to be pretty family friendly)

So I’m not sure how young your teen siblings are but I’m going to assume they’re at least old enough to get into a PG-13 movie!

I’ll warn you that most mystery has an element of creepiness/horror. That being said, most of the “Journalists get into Trouble” podcasts would probably be fun to listen to!

1. The Lost Cat PodcastI’ve just started listening to this myself so I can’t vouch for the later episodes, but so far it’s very promising! A guy loses his cat and gets into some very weird circumstances trying to find it. (The VA has a very soothing voice and there’s some nice music in it)

2. RabbitsA new podcast by the makers of Tanis and The Black Tapes. A woman searches for her missing friend (who may, or may not, have disappeared after being caught up in a secret game.) It features secret societies and cults. There’s only 1 episode out so far and it’s mentioned that the friend is an escort - so I’d listen to it first to see if it’s suitable.

3. The Black TapesA journalist starts off with a slice of life documentary and quickly gets sucked into the world of paranormal investigations with a sceptic who may be part of some sort of demonic cult. (Don’t let this put you off though! It’s creepy, certainly, but in a slow way with nothing too horrifying.) This one is more fun if you pretend it’s real haha

4. TanisFrom the same people as the previous two, some of the same characters investigate a mysterious place that moves around the world. This one is more a mystery wrapped in conspiracy wrapped in secret societies. Again, this one isn’t “creepy” or “horror” but it’s more fun when you pretend it’s real.

5. PassageA lifeboat from a ship that sank centuries ago washes up at a small port town in the Pacific Northwest. A journalist travels to find out what the story is and ends up stumbling into a murder mystery, reincarnation, and historical small town intrigue.

6. The Bright SessionsI debated putting this here because it’s not reeeaally a mystery podcast. It’s based around a psychologist called Joan Bright and her patients - people who have superpowers. There’s a secret shadowy organisation who wants to keep track of them all and they do some preeeetty shady stuff. I’m recommending it because it is VERY GOOD at portraying mental health issues and I wish I had it as a teenager because it would have helped so much with my self esteem haha. I honestly think everyone should listen to it. (And if they like any kind of comic superheroes then they’ll probably like this)

7. The BridgeAgain. Is it really a mystery podcast? Debatable. It’s set in an alternate universe of the present day where a bridge has been built across the ocean. The hey-day has come and gone and we’re left with the rag-tag group manning Watchtower 10, sending out radio broadcasts to an empty and dilapidated road. Oh, and there’s a sea monster locked away in the basement. The mystery is finding out what happened to the bridge, and the people on it, and why they’re still there.

8. Archive 81The first season is your run of the mill - guy gets drafted into a secret government project listening to some increasingly weird tapes. The second season turns away from the mystery slightly and heads more into horror. I’d give the 1st season a shot definitely, but possibly vet the 2nd season before you show it to impressionable younger audiences

9. DrywaterNot gonna lie I love this one. The only problem is that there’s a couple of episodes and they’re put out infrequently. Set in the future 2 guys (amateur radio presenters) find evidence of a government coverup and try and bring it to light. They get shut down at ever turn so decide to investigate on their own (which brings its own heap of problems)

10. Small Town HorrorThis is…definitely more in the horror genre. Again, vet it before you let younger people listen to it, but it a good one. A guy goes back home after his dad dies and finds out that the creepy town game he played as a kid (and his subsequent kidnapping) may have more sinister connotations than he realised.

11. The Magnus ArchivesAgain, more horror mystery than anything else. The Magnus Archives are a collection of short creepy stories about paranormal goings on. There’s a whole larger story about the archivists and the possible murder of the previous head of the department. Definitely vet it, but give it a listen to.

12. MabelStill on the horror side of mystery. A carer for an old lady starts leaving increasingly weird voicemail messages for the old woman’s living relative. The 2nd season is when the mystery really kicks in. Definitely vet it as it’s possibly not that family friendly.

13. HushA student production that has an interesting storyline (and stuff at the end from their student radio on dealing with school pressures). A teenager comes home one day to find her grandma is missing. She ends up moving in with a family while a hunt is started. There’s also an old mystery where a whole bunch of people (including Andy’s parents) went missing in some local caves - which also seem to be a portal to other worlds. I’m not explaining it very well but I would definitely recommend this one!

14. Return HomeIt starts of as sort of horror, but it’s not really. It’s more lite-horror than anything. A guy returns back to his town to find it over-run with secret societies and strange goings on. You’ll find creepy dolls and faeries but also an arc on were-bunnies.

15. Alice isn’t DeadA trucker tries to find her wife on the long American highways. This is more horror than mystery and there are some definitely creepy moments. I’d listen to it before you let younger members of the family listen, but it’s a good missing person story.

16. Within the WireThis has some horror moments - like the nurse but at the end - but nothing graphic. It’s mostly creepy in the way everything is so normalised. If you’re a fan of Portal, you’ll most likely enjoy this. The narrator is the voice on some relaxation cassette tapes, speaking to the patient listening to them. The mystery is trying to figure out how and why they’re in this mess in the first place.

17. The Elysium ProjectA bunch of kids get experimented on by a shady government agency and gain superpowers. They escape but are left trying to figure out why them, what makes them so special, and why the government is so adamant at hunting them down. This one has a slow release schedule but it is so worth it!

18. AugustineThis one is a short little mystery podcast about the town of Augustine and what happened to it. It’s like a lite version of some of the others on this list and a good one to start off with.

19. The TunnelsA journalist decides to do a podcast on a local feature. He accidentally stumbles on a conspiracy and possible monsters locked away in the tunnels that run underneath his city. It’s good and not any scarier than others on the list.

20. Help MeThis one is definitely more horror than anything else. I’m putting it down because it’s technically mystery but I don’t know if it’s suitable for the age group you’re wanting. Basically it follows a young girl as she investigates her friends suicide and discovers it may not have been a suicide after all, but the work of a demon that acts suspiciously like slenderman. It’s short but there are some moments that I don’t think would be suitable for anyone impressionable. Definitely vet this one before letting younger family members listen to it.

21. LimetownYear ago there was a secret government town. Years ago something went horribly wrong and everyone in that town disappeared. You follow one young woman as she journeys to find what exactly happened to the residents of Limetown, and why it was covered up so hard. There’s only one season but it’s a really good season.

22. The MessageThis has been renamed LifeAfter, but it’s 2 separate stories and the first of definitely worn a listen. The message follows an intern as she chronicles the first message mankind receives from an alien race.

[crystalelemental]

Atelier Rorona Plus Opinions

Rorona Plus was my introduction to the Atelier series, and my what an introduction it was.  Special thanks to @zoablog for bringing it up to me two or so years ago.  Without you talking about it, I would never have known to pick it up at GameStop on that fateful day when I started playing PS3 games on Pat’s system.  It holds a very special place in my heart as something that introduced me to a new series that is a ton of fun.  Whether through that bias or the fact that the Plus version is actually just better all-around, it's decidedly my favorite of the Arland games, and one of the most fun for me to play period.

To quickly run through the things I’ll be talking about for each game: characters, story, setting, alchemy system, battle system, other game mechanics, and any unsorted comments I may have to make about the game.  It should also be noted that I’ve only played the Plus versions of most of these games, so that’s what these opinions will be based off of.

CHARACTERS Rorona - Rorona is great as a protagonist.  Kind of an airhead, but a hard worker who is sweet and comical.  She's just great.  Especially with all the pie events.  Those are probably the funniest parts of the entire series.

Cordelia - Literal best girl.  Cordelia is infallible.  Okay, fine.  There are people who will hate her.  She's abrasive and pretty much just tsuntsun.  But I love her. She's really bad at acknowledging and being open and honest with her feelings, and that's a trait that is always endearing to me for...reasons.

Iksel - kinda meh?  He's fine, but nothing exceptional.  I really don't have much attachment to Iksel.  At all.

Sterk - Sterk is kinda fun.  He's a knight who takes his role very seriously.  He can be a bit of a dork, is enamored with the story-book portrayal of knights, and feels conflicted over his role in the game being to potentially shut down Rorona’s workshop, as it doesn’t feel like the true duty of a knight of the people. He's also really helpful, despite being the evaluator who might shut down your workshop, so points for that.  Too bad he charges so much money for the early game...

Esty - I like Esty a lot.  She's a fairly downplayed character, but for whatever reason, I like her more than a lot of characters.  Maybe it’s just my advancing age coupled with the fact I’m still alone.

Lionela - UGH.  Okay, I really don't like Lionela.  I think it's just her character type.  I'm generally fine with the shy introverts, but the puppets piss me off, and why are you in a performer role if you're so socially anxious?  This kind of thing always, always bugs me, for reasons that entirely unjustifiable.  “I just feel like a different person doing this.” NO!  How about a character who actually has the conflict even while performing and just struggles through it for the sake of their craft for once?!

Tantris - Behold, the worst one.  Tantris bugs the shit out of me.  His story arc has great potential, but I wind up caring more about his dad, Meredith, than about him.  His dad is a high-level politician trying to run the kingdom because their king won't do it, and threw himself into work to provide for his son when his wife died.  Meredith is super interesting, and Tantris honestly comes off as an ungrateful little bastard.  He runs off to do basically nothing with his life, comes back and is insistent that he’ll help out, and in his own ending just runs off again with Rorona in the establishment of a ship I am loathe to admit must exist somewhere.  He's like Ranun in Ayesha, only everyone isn't constantly telling him to stop being a driftless loser and get a job, and instead is like “Oh wow, look at this attractive loser.”

Gio - I love Gio.  Yes, he abandons his role as king and causes problems for Sterk, Esty, and Meredith pretty much constantly, but he's a fun character, and his reasons for leaving the kingdom in the hands of his subordinates makes some level of sense, all things considered.  I don't think the transition would be as smooth as he claims, but sure, whatever.

Astrid - The single most frustrating character in the entire series for me.  Astrid should be one of my all-time favorites.  Should.  Her history is that her master, the second alchemist for the kingdom, sucked at alchemy and couldn't produce a benefit for the kingdom.  So, her master was effectively rejected by the whole of the kingdom and led a miserable life, all because Gio, as king, had to remove something ineffective for his kingdom, and the people wouldn't accept someone who didn't directly benefit them.  So Astrid is a character who is entirely based in spite and contempt for the kingdom and its people, and left Rorona in charge because she couldn't bring herself to help those who made her master's life miserable.  She's abrasive and kind of awful, but there's a clear reason behind it all.  It should work fantastically.  It does not.   Mostly, this is because Astrid tends to step over several lines she shouldn't, and because she's actively cruel to characters who weren't related to what happened.  When she tears into Gio for his edicts, or into Tantris for being an asshole in the past, it's entirely justified and those are easily some of her best moments.  But then she acts malicious toward Cordelia and Lionela for no reason, and it often feels like she's cruel to others just because she wants to be.  Had it stuck to just being cruel to people who somewhat deserved it and playfully mean toward others, it would be one thing.  But she just comes across as such an unrelenting asshole that it's hard to like her.

Hom - Hom is barely a character, but I include them because I enjoy them.  I love the robotic-like characters.  Plus they learn to love through interactions with cats.  Adorable.

Pamela - There's a ghost girl you take back from a location called the Catacombs.  She has little impact other than being a late-game shop, but she's quirky and fun and I love her.

Tiffani - Tiffani’s the general store owner, and I don’t really know how to feel about her?  Generally, she’s okay, but the Drunken Tiffani trophies in both this game and Totori are...Not Good.  So I’m really not her biggest fan.

Hagel - This guy on the other hand!  He’s alright.  Nothing too special, but he can be entertaining, despite the constant gags about him being bald getting old real fast.

Meredith - I mentioned his entire history with Tantris, but I feel like he’s earned a separate mention as an all-around decent character.  He does questionable things, and is your hidden antagonist, but his motivations and intentions are understandable and he generally seems interesting.  Granted, his shadier dealings by having bandits test out bombs for him is really bad, but as an antagonist-type, I think that works out nicely to keep him on a level of understandable, but not a good person.

STORY Rorona is not a complex game.  At all.  The story is essentially that you play in a kingdom called Arland, where alchemy was once used to bring them to technological prosperity.  Not much is explained on how, but you play as Rorona, who I believe is the fourth in a line of alchemists for the kingdom, working under Astrid, who is just...useless.  Astrid never really did anything, so the workshop is about to be closed down.  She passes it off to Rorona, and thus you must now fulfill the royal orders to keep your workshop or Astrid will take you away from Arland with her because she helped your parents once, and that means you have to do everything she tells you for life.  That's...about the full extent of it. There's nothing too dramatic going on.  It's just a very simple and straight-forward story that's there to have a foundation without trying to do anything flashy.  Which I can absolutely respect.  It’s like I’ve said before: if you don’t know that you can do a good plot, maybe it’s best to just not have one.  And Rorona does just that.

SETTING Arland isn't particularly interesting, I feel.  Despite the history of being built up by alchemy, there's not a whole lot of digging into the history of the kingdom. That's an interesting point to explore, and nothing is ever done with it.  The locations you visit are also few and far between, with Rorona just walking to major areas and exploring within those.  It just makes the overworld map feel a lot smaller than every other game I've played.  The only interesting piece that could be explored is through Gio's decision to try stepping down as king and establishing the kingdom as a republic, which...is never explored.  Ever.  So what it all comes down to is a lot of interesting bits and pieces that are never once touched upon. They're mentioned and forgotten, and the location itself doesn't really stick out as a result, barring my excessive reaching for history through Atelier Meruru, which will be discussed when we get there. ALCHEMY SYSTEM The alchemy system is a ton of fun, and one of the most immediate draws for me.  Synthesizing items requires using items that you gather to create new items.  Sometimes, the synthesized items are then further synthesized into other items, and you can create chains of created items to pass along traits that you may want.  Traits can also be combined into stronger traits, and the game feels really dynamic as a result.

Applying traits is not free, however, as there's a Cost system that determines what can be added.  Certain ingredients will offer more Cost value, which means you can apply a greater quantity or quality of traits.  For instance, some of the best traits can cost as much as 40-50 Cost.  An ordinary ingredient my add 10, while a higher quality one may add 30.   Adjusting the cost through better ingredients and cost increasing traits is necessary to really craft the best items.

"Steve, don't you hate artificial resource collection?"  Yes, I do, but the key word is "artificial."  The entire game is based around this.  It's not something stupid that’s thrown in for no good reason like, say, Fire Emblem Fates, which will eat dozens of hours of time for resources that mean nothing but a slight improvement on weapons that you need because they made all other weapon tiers garbage now.  With Rorona, they based the system around resource collection, and made it simple.  You only need a few to make one item, and instead of requiring a specific item every time, they will often require a class of item, such as any plant type.  The type you use may impact the inherent properties of the item, but you can make it from anything in a category.  This allows for a lot of mix-and-matching, and the issue of needing a specific item is minimized effectively.  Where to gather items is also very clearly noted in each location, and the bigger difficulty is typically in getting the quality you want.   Traits can also be a problem, but because classes of items are often used, and traits are randomized across items, you can often find a way to synthesize items in a chain to transfer the traits you want.  The entire system comes together really nicely, and it makes things a lot more fun than you'd expect.

Lastly, there are development items that you decorate the Atelier with, and they give various bonuses for having them.  Happy Basket and Spring Cup will generate items, Secret Bag will let you store or retrieve items from the Container from anywhere, Travel Shoes let you travel on the map faster, etc.  They're really useful, especially for a huge boost in NG+.

BATTLE SYSTEM Combat is fast and fun.  You can improve your equipment, which is certainly important, and in this game can often be the only truly important piece that matters.  But you can also utilize healing and attack items to get through combat as needed.  Healing items can recover HP, MP, or remove status, and sometimes add buffs on top of it.  Attack items can deal all types of damage, but can also have secondary effects such as delaying turns or debuffing enemy stats.  The problem is, items are consumed.   They have a set number of uses, and once out, they are gone forever.   Later on, you can use Wholesale at shops to register these items and buy an infinite number over time, but early game, these items are hard to keep track of, and even later-game, spending all your money on attack items isn't as valuable as spending it all on forging better equipment. There are only a handful of bosses in the entire game that actively require a good Meteor or Absorb Gourd to get past, and they’re all at the end. Everything else is beatable just by acquiring the best weapons and armors with the best traits.  I feel this is something that's a bit lacking.  Combat is still tremendously fun, but I feel that a game that either requires or at least permits the frequent use of items is better in a game about synthesizing items to progress.

OTHER MECHANICS In Rorona Plus, there's a voucher system.  Your main missions are handed out by the kingdom itself, and when you complete tasks, you get vouchers to exchange at a shop Esty runs.  You can also gain more vouchers by completing requests with certain parameters obtained, which is your best farming method when you can Wholesale items that fit the bill and show up frequently.  Vouchers are god in this game.  Early-game, you get the Gnardi Ring, which buffs attack and defense to ridiculous levels and allows you to plow through the entire first year of the game with ease. Mid-game, you can exchange them for items that are helpful for a lot of the harder synthesis sub-quests, which turns into getting your vouchers back, and sometimes with a bonus.  And late-game, you get the Heroic Cape, which is an armor that is perfectly viable through even the post-game Overtime areas. Vouchers can and will carry you through the entire game.  It's...almost a problem?  On the one hand, it makes the game one of the least stressful to play, because there is always a quick and immediate out through the vouchers.  But on the other, it dramatically cuts back on how much you need to synthesize to succeed.

There's also Hom, who can gather or synthesize as you request.  Gathering is all Hom should be doing.  Synthesis is a fairly delicate process, I feel, and having Hom synthesize things can account for good quality or good traits, but not always both.  So don't let Hom synthesize items that you need made to very specific conditions.  Gathering is also generally more valuable, because you then spend less money on the shops, and have enough items to make what you need.  Post-game, they also gather Dragon Tusks, which are great items for your weapons, for making Ruby Prisms (which turn into some great accessories and items), and for selling for massive profit.  So yeah.  Only have Hom gather, unless you're really low on time and desperately need a specific item of any quality/trait composition.

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS I feel it's worth noting that the Arland trilogy as a whole has some... uncomfortable moments.  You know the kind.  The fan-service heavy moments that are just like...why did you feel the need to do this?   Rorona is pretty low on the problem scale, but there are occasions, usually Astrid-driven, that are just...unpleasant.  And me being the way I am, it definitely loses some points for that.  To a degree that Astrid's banter at the start of the game is what made me turn it on for 15 minutes, turn it off, and not start back up for another month.  I eventually did, and I'm very glad I did, but it's a little bit otaku-bait-y in this particular regard. CONCLUDING THOUGHTS Rorona Plus is going to be a game that holds a special place in my heart pretty much forever.  Being the starting point for any new series that I attach to, it's effectively wormed its way into a guaranteed replay at least once a year, just for funsies.  It's simple to play and incredibly fun, which more than makes up for being fairly bare-bones in terms of story or depth.  It's a game that's not trying to do anything spectacular.  It's just here to be fun and engaging, and it's rare to see a game that succeeds this strongly at that goal.

If you enjoyed this (for some reason), consider checking out the write-ups for the other games in the series as well!

Atelier Rorona Plus Atelier Totori Plus Atelier Meruru Plus Atelier Ayesha Plus Atelier Escha and Logy Plus Atelier Shallie Plus Atelier Sophie Atelier Firis