#shitty movie reviews

[steal-this-idea]

If Monster Squad taught us anything, it was to put trust in expertise

Like, 90 cops get killed running head first without a plan trying to take on Dracula and his crew whereas five kids - who know a thing or two about monsters - manage to take out Gill Man (his name is Horace btw), the Mummy (taken out by some Looney Tunes shit), the Werewolf (who has nards), three lesser vampires (who are like so many video game fodder enemies that just *walk at you* ...like, that was their whole plan), and Dracula himself (did he seriously just call a 5 year old girl a bitch?! Holy fuck. I'll have to watch that again to see if they did a "clever" cutaway so he didn't *actually* say it to her face) with nary a scratch

And those five kids *also* trusted in expertise when the main kid was given a diary written by Van Helsing that his mother inexplicably found at a local garage sale and swallowed their fear of Scary German Guy to ask him for help translating the diary. After which, this otherwise silly movie goes hard by revealing without saying it explicitly that he was Holocaust survivor

[phantomrose96]

The realest part of the Barbie Movie was when Barbie was like "okay but what if this hurts his feelings? what if this makes him sad? :(" after Ken stole her house, stole her car, and stole her agency, because as a woman you still have to second guess everything you do on the assessment of whether it might hurt a man's feelings.

And then that apprehension was proven right one million times over by the entire Conservative Internet Manosphere pissing and shitting and screaming themselves hoarse over Barbie daring to hurt a man's feelings.

[idiot-mushroom]

reading the rotten tomato reviews for mutant mayhem and learning all the bad reviews are talking abt how it not like the original and i’m just like-

[pillsopa]

still thinking about the “7:30 pm movie time” part of ronan’s schedule in cdth like. what the fuck kind of movies does he watch Actually

[13eyond13]

nothing more cringe than coaxing and half-forcing someone to go to the movies with you because you're talking up how good the last one in the series was and then they finally agree to go and then it ends up being over two hours long and also kinda the worst 😬

[cchickki]

isn’t it like tumblr 101 not to tag something you’re hatefully writing about so it doesn’t clog up the tag for the people who actually enjoy it?

[northern-passage]

very interested to know if anyone would ever leave a review like this on a game that had all cishet characters... is that pandering to the "cisgender" narrative? or is it only pandering when it's the "transgenders"? 🤔 what makes it pandering? just because it's for an audience that's not you? because it's for a group of people you don't personally like? what makes you so special that only your stories are the ones you deem worthy of being told?

[drowsyanddazed]

made a letterboxd & had a crisis over picking the four films for the top of my profile. as they stand they are the most hodgepodge grouping

[joker00m]

[here's a Quick review of a movie i watched today cause why not]

Alright So i watched today the "akademia pana kleksa" movie (by the way akademia pana kleksa is an polish book that was writen by jan brzechwa) i was Excited to watch it cause i loved the original book and the original movie when i was younger. BUT this movie:

1-is Poorly written

2-was (probably) written for an series because of how it changed topics too quickly

3-they destroyed my favorite character from the book. My boy Mateusz

4-it felt like a 2 hour Music Video

5-it was Just the Continuation to the og book

6-but the good thing about it was that the New version of "witajcie w naszej bajce" was kinda a banger (Also only the version in the begining of the movie)

7-other good thing was ALBERT

So i give it a 3/10 cause the way it was cuted made it feel like a acid trip

I hope They make the series and the sequel better

ALSO the movie was (i think???) only released in Poland

[i-am-trans-gwender]

Why does the Nostagia Critic say "I remember it so you don't have to" even though by bringing the movie up he makes us remember it?

There are so many movies that would have been forgotten about if the Critic didn't review them.

The Critic had one job and he failed it.

[dizzybevvie]

Doctor Green Hunter, 35, musky, a flask of scotch heavy in his pocket seems moments away from a divorce. Interior: Ambulance.

dr Green Hunter: im so tired

patient: Youre talkin about tired??? im dying over here!!!

Dr green hunter: keep your hand on your wound, man.

Dr Green Hunter looks over to his bow. it hangs next to his steth- stetho-cope.

dr green hunter: who will i be today

please sign back by the end of the week

yours in casting

Airry Pearry

[bumps-in-the-night]

I watched La Morte Vivante (known as The Living Dead Girl in English) tonight. It’s a 1982 French horror film about the relationship between Catherine, who recently rose from the dead and now feeds on the living as a sort of ghoul or vampiric creature, and Helene, Catherine’s childhood friend who has sworn herself as her caretaker. Throughout the movie, Catherine becomes more Alive as she continues to feed and grows increasingly aware of the reality of the situation. It’s very lesboerotic. It had a lot of the gothic hallmarks (supernatural horror, heavy emphasis on atmosphere and aesthetic, intense displays of emotions) so I feel comfortable calling it a gothic horror movie.

Spoilers ahead: I thoroughly enjoyed it. Specifically, I really enjoyed how it turns a common vampire media trope on its head. Often, when vampire media features a human and a vampire in a relationship (this can be romantic, platonic, familial, et cetera), the vampire is deeply, toxically obsessed with the story’s human in a way that often proves destructive. However, in La Morte Vivante, it is Helene who is destructively obsessed with Catherine. As Catherine grows more aware of what she is, she is horrified; she begs Helene to leave her alone and let her die so she doesn’t keep hurting people, but Helene cannot let her go.

They’re deeply devoted to each other, but the only way they can express that devotion goes against the wishes of the other. Helene wants to stay with Catherine, while Catherine wants Helene to flee and save herself before Catherine loses control of herself and hurts her. They love each other so much. I won’t really spoil it further, but they both lose in the end.

[crownedwille]

.

[matoitech]

every time i think abt rewatching bna so i could better criticize it i think abt how boring it was and im like yknow what i dont care furries werent worth this

[frmulcahy]

Y’all is it really worth it to get a blueray player? I still use a dvd and vhs combo player but I feel like most physical media offered nowadays is only blueray and 4k.

[fin-kin]

There are amino acids in my CPU.

A movie for sure. The science is poorly researched and the understanding of how to handle animals is abysmal. Please, PLEASE, never say the word CPU again. Overall an experience best had if you are susceptible to rage induced by the lack of common sense or basic understanding of science, mechanics, and coding. Hope Chicago enjoys the next 100 years of radioactive fallout impacting their environment.

Overall: Low C tier