#shit it could be 2008 or 2009 idk

[rubbish78]

Ray Toro playing guitar in bed (x)

[batsplat]

if you could change the outcome of any 3 motogp races (the outcome of the championship doesn’t change regardless tho) which ones would you chose?

one of those asks that immediately made me forget every single race I've watched in my life. it's a tough one, especially with the championship thing... I'm gonna add another criterion here and say nothing to do related to injury/death

so... I came up with one quite quickly, then got stuck, then came up with a second and got even more stuck. I'm quite reluctant to change any 'plot-relevant races' in the context of specific careers and rivalries, plus I'm ideologically opposed to stealing any win off a non-alien and giving it to an alien. which then kinda left me?? well. stuck. I don't like these picks but well maybe I'll come up with something better at some point

assen 2018: I simply could not come up with a third race so I'll just throw this one in. dovi + valentino really really should have gotten onto the podium in this race, those were extremely podium-worthy performances, it was such a deeply silly incident between the pair of them that took them out of podium contention. also it's still seen as a classic race and... I don't even begrudge the two beneficiaries for their podium, it's just one where the three best riders that day didn't end up on the podium and I would change that!! I don't even really care that much but also look I had a spot to fill. would've enjoyed the rancid podium vibes, it's what a race of that quality deserved

sepang 2018: just deeply annoying? like, I think it was a super impressive performance, the consistent lap times trick from a 78 year old was very neat, it was cute when jorge did unprompted valentino prop for metronome solidarity reasons, it's one of literally two premier class races where valentino crashed out of the lead so I don't even hold it against him. but... well, that one might have been building to a battle between marc and valentino, and it would've been fun to see that! not least because of location + relationship vibes in 2018. I'd change the result in preventing the crash, don't really care who wins after that point - hey, they can crash each other out if they want. I Just Wanted To See It

styria 2020: bit of a niche one but I remember being pissed off by this so I'm going with it - this should have been mir's win without the bloody red flag. now I'm very sorry that maverick was just having an abysmal time in austria, peace and love to him, I'd probably never step foot in the country again after the eight days he had in that country.... but still, his bike attempting to murder him did ruin what really should've been joan's first win. I'm very defensive of mir's win stats and I was supporting the title bid with zero wins agenda once that looked plausible, but now that he's just gotten stuck on one win for quite a few years... well, again, I do think it's kinda iconic but I'd also let him have two. and back then he wasn't even really looking like a title contender and was still going for his FIRST win.... I was feeling very sorry for him so. there

[trippinsorrows]

as someone who's been on this site since like 2008/2009, like before the infamous mtv commercial aired (iykyk), it's wild how much the etiquette has changed. or disappeared, entirely. once upon a time, people could speak freely about quite literally anything, assuming it was non hateful, and they'd be fine, so long as they stayed out of said tag.

for instance, the infamous bamon vs delena days. bamon stayed in the bamon tag, and delena stayed in the delena tag. yeah, shit got messy, ugly at times, but it was understood that if you don't like bamon and plan to speak negatively, just stay out the tag, and you good. and vice versa.

now a days, it feels like people can't say shit within fandom without being attacked and much worse. whether you tag a post with said topic or not. and, i don't mean not tagging wwe when discussing wwe. i mean, literally going on a scathing rant about a wrestler and tagging said wrestler.

like, i know for a fact i've been blocked by at least one or two accounts for calling cody 'ken.' which is crazy, cause i never been in that man tag nor am i required to like him. it's also my blog, and i can post what i want, so long as it's not hate speech/problematic?????

and don't get me started on the mean/hateful girl behavior.

idk. kinda sad to see how downhill things have gotten on here.

[guerrillateezsworld]

✨If your taking requests could you write 2000's Bill Kaulitz x reader

Reader is a singer from another band and they are good friends with Bill (two idiots in love). One night reader, bill and there band get drunk (maybe even take something 💊-if your comfortable with it ofc) the next day they don't remember anything but reader and bill have rings on there fingers. They find two cheap brought cameras and look through them. It turns out each of them went with there bands looking through the city for a dress/suit and got married (las Vegas situation). A lot of photos and videos of them (reade,bill and there bands) goofing around but mostly of reader and bill being all in love and stuff

<Sorry it's so long>

-🕸️

okay hahah this sounds fun. imma try to write it as an imagine the best i can lol

what happened? bill kaulitz x reader

this is based off of 2008-2009 bill! implied female reader but no pronouns used (i don’t think)

word count: 1450!!!

warnings: mentions of alcohol, LEGAL DRINKING AGE IN GERMANY IS ACTUALLY 16 (according to google) SO TECHNICALLY NOT UNDERAGE DRINKING I DONT THINK. CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG, cursing, mentions of smoking smoking cigarettes. (i don’t condone anything that has to do with excessive drinking and nicotine. it’s not good for you and it can really damage your body. please stay safe), that’s all. it’s not too much just mentions

a/n: i hope this is something like you wanted!! i��m not really good at writing abt parties so i just wrote about the aftermath haha because it might be a little more funnier idk. and i didn’t do the taking stuff cuz it may be a little much for others so yea!

————————————

it was all a blur, it really was. partying/drinking. it was crazy. me and bill had no clue what had happened. we woke up, splitting headaches and a mad hangover. small flashbacks of drinking starting to play over in your head but not much of remembrance. “what happened? and why did we fall asleep together in my room?” i ask bill who’s laying next to me, whining in pain. “i don’t know (name), all i remember is getting drunk and partying. we most definitely got shit faced i know that” he says with a small laugh. i just smile and shake my head before standing up to stretch. “uhhh (name)?..” i hear from behind me. “yes?” i ask. “um why is there a ring on my ring finger? and on your finger.” i turn around and look him dead in the eyes and then glance at my hand. “oh no. what did we do?” i ask in embarrassment. realizing that i probably told him all about my dying love for him, i turn red and nervously laugh. my eyes trail around the room trying not to make eye contact with bill. as i’m doing that, i notice two cheap cameras on my side table. i look at bill questionably before walking over and grabbing them. “what did you find?” he asks. i show him the two cameras and his eyes widen. “oh… i wonder what’s on them” i shrug and go to sit next to him. i turn the camera on and begin to look at the pictures. flashbacks start flooding my mind as my hands start to get a little sweaty.

“bill”, i say, slurring my words as i take another big gulp of my drink. “we should definitely go to my house and party”. and with that, we call a cab and go to my house to get even more shitface drunk.

the first few pictures were pretty normal, just funny and stupid pictures of you two and the others of yours and his band. “paparazzi probably had a fun time seeing us” i laugh at his snide remark. “most likely” i reply. the more we got into the pictures, the weirder they got. us smoking, drinking, laughing, it was a lot. drinks such as wine, beer, and vodka showed up on the pictures. until one picture caught our eyes. a picture of the same rings that sat on your guys fingers right now. then it got to pictures of you guys kissing and holding hands. i cough nervously and avoid his burning stare into my face. “well um that’s a lot…” i laugh nervously and smile. he just shakes his head as we continue looking through the pictures. we get to a specific picture that has us both gasping in shock. it’s me trying on a wedding dress with bill in a suit and the other way around. “what the fuck?” i announce out loud. then the next was even more wedding dresses. “what in the world are we doing here. don’t tell me we…” i get cut off as a picture of me and bill at some wedding venue shows up. we look at each other and our eyes widen. “is that that one wedding place in las vegas? is that why we have rings on our fingers? shit, we’re in trouble” he says. i sigh and nod. the next few are just the officiate reading to me and bill. then it cuts to us kissing and smiling. “well… i guess we’re married now? not technically, this place is a fake ain’t no fucking way. you have to plan it ahead of time and plan who’s coming and the food” i say while questioning bill. he laughs at my confusing rant before speaking. “well i mean i wouldn’t be opposed to marrying you…” he says, trailing off. “me neither bill. but we’re still young” i smile. some others were just tom acting really stupid and georg and gustav laughing. plus one of my band mates and tom getting a little closer than normal. he laughs and we finish looking at the pictures. i get up again and we decide to go to the studio where the others are probably waiting. as we’re getting ready, i notice bills loud gasp from the other room. i run in and ask if he’s okay. he looks at me and shows me what’s on his phone. my eyes widen as i read the headlines.

‘tokio hotel spotted with lead singer of (your band) at a local restaurant in germany’ and ‘tokio hotels’ bill kaulitz and (name) caught kissing outside of restaurant’

“bill… people will think we’re dating and then we’ll get so much hate” i sigh. “it’s okay i promise, i don’t have a problem with it” i look at him and blush. “to be honest, me neither”. he smiles at me and then he ends up reading another headline about me and him.

i groan loudly and walk back into the bathroom. “well that’s just great. i knew that was gonna happen. i’m surprised my phones not blowing up right now” as i say that, my ringtone goes off. i run to the room and grab my phone to see who’s calling me. it’s tom. i answer the phone to tom screaming.

“(name) what the fuck is going on right now. did you see what’s all over the internet?”. “yes tom i saw. we’re never gonna live this down.”. “well at least they got their answer about bill and you”. “what do you mean tom? there’s nothing going on between me and bill” lies. “yea yea. you guys are in love with each other. come on now”. “ what whatever you say tom.”. he laughs on the other side of the phone before talking again. “okay then, you keep telling yourself. just know that i remember how you guys were last night. nothing nasty, just that you guys were on each other the whole night and you two couldn’t and wouldn’t stop kissing the whole time” i’m sure he heard my extremely loud gulp and small gasp. “don’t you dare say anything about it tom i swear i will beat your ass if you do” “no promises (name). it’s all over the internet now so we can’t really do anything. you do know they got pictures of us at the venue and the shops” i groan extremely loud and sigh. “well that’s great. i can’t just ‘divorce bill’. we’re not even fully married, it’s just a fake wedding place for celebs” “you’re a celeb dumbass” “shut up asshole” he laughs at me again. “just calm down. trust me, i know how obsessed you are with bill. and he feels the same way about you. he rants to me and the others about how he wishes you would feel the same way” “what?”

i get cut off by bill asking who i’m on the phone with. “just your overly annoying brother” i answer. i hear tom cuss at me through the phone and laugh before turning my attention back to tom.

“thanks for that amazing compliment” ���no problem” “okay back to what i was saying. listen, he’s so in love with you it’s crazy. you’re pretty much all he talks about. trust me.” “well, you caught me there then. i do have a big crush on bill. and it’s so hard hiding it and i’m sure i’m not good at it anyways”. i stop talking as bill walks into the bathroom. “i got to go, see you later tom” i tell him and hang up.

“um hello bill” i smile shyly. “you like me back?” he asks quietly. my eyes widen and i gasp. “what… are you talking about?” i ask. he smiles and walks closer to me and i back up shyly. i end up hitting a wall as he’s standing so close to me i can practically feel his breath on me. “i like you too (name). and i don’t know how you haven’t noticed yet. i’ve stopped trying to hide it.” he tells me. i look at him in shock, and instead of replying, i smash my lips on to his. “i like you too bill. i only started realizing a while ago that my feelings for you weren’t platonic and they were much more. and i’m so glad you like me back” i smile. he smiles too and kisses me again. of course i kiss back and wrap my arms around his neck while he wraps his around my waist. “i love you so much (name), please be mine?” i nod and hug him. “yes, a million times yes. i would love to be yours” i reply. he smiles again. “you’re mine now. so maybe.. getting married was a good idea” i laugh at his joke and just hide my face into his neck. “why don’t we get ready and bring the cameras to show them what was on there. they can’t make fun of us because there is some really, really embarrassing photos and videos of them on there.” “good idea” “i love you (name)” “i love you too bill.”

———————

thanks anon for the request and i really hope you enjoyed it!!! i hope it’s what you wanted and i’m really sorry if it’s not:(

[latentspaceofficial]

research tangent! scp x wh13

so this is something a little bit different than what i normally talk about. i'm putting on a different cap today. ok little nerd moment thats been living rent free in my head for days. ive got an antistatic bag on my desk thats been sitting here for a while and i noticed something familiar

that sure as hell looks like the scp foundation logo

which got me really thinking. so its very obvious to me that the scp logo takes inspiration from this iso or ansi symbol. but whats even more odd was looking at the timeline of the scp wikis birth. im a zillenial (god i hate that word) so my childhood was watching markiplier play scp:cb, scrolling the old wiki, fucking with cleverbot. fun stuff like that. i was still a drooling idiot. when sci-fi renamed to syfy. but i remember the switchover and not being allowed to watch eureka because there were some "goddamns" in there. but i was allowed to watch warehouse 13, in spite of steve's existence. i was way too into the steampunk and lore of warehouse 13 when it was relevant. so much so i had a fucking farnsworth ringtone on my lg shit phone and i thought it was the coolest thing. i'm also still gay as hell for h.g. wells and her fit.

but anyway anyway. the premise of warehouse 13 was finding dangerous "artifacts" that imbued special status affects on people and to neutralize them with "neutralizer grid polyethylene static bags" as they say. their motto being "snag it. bag it. and tag it." or something to that effect.

what im getting at is that warehouse 13 has a similar premise to the scp foundation, but more mainstream comedy and less psychological horror. there's a tangential link between wh13 with scp via anti static bags and the symbol. so i looked into this a bit. through cursory searches, i didn't find anyone really talking about this other than a similar premise. so i looked at timelines. in july 2008 the scp foundation wiki (idk which one) was started, while wh13 piloted on july 2009. with a year delta, it seems clear "who stole from who". but wait. writing, pitching, and filming takes quite a while. is a year really enough time? i can't find any trademarks registered by universal nor any evidence of a canadian filming license. so this is where i stopped typing on my phone and started researching. the waters are a bit muddy, so bear with me. wh13 was co-written by a handful of people and rewritten as well. but the original plot was announced by sci-fi here in october of 2007

according to wikipedia (the free encyclopedia), inspirations for warehouse 13 include the x-files, raiders of the lost ark, something called moonlighting, and this show from the late 80s and early 90s called "friday the 13th: the series". i'd never heard of it, but it shares the vaguest premise with both wh13 and scp to keep bad artifacts away from harming people.

well what about the scp wiki? when did it form? well it's complicated. (i'm sorry for my poor cropping, it will happen again)

the scp wiki itself states that the original scp came from 4chan and that a lot of original organization happened on 4chan. indeed 4chan is the source of famous scps such as 173

posted on june 2007 is the original lore post about 173 and can be seen as the beginning of scps. which pre-dates the announcement of wh13. i don't know about you, but how fast you could go from trolling 4chan to a pilot script? at this point "some government authority retrieving dangerous magic embued items" was not a previously done idea and was indeed original. the x-files kinda did this before with balancing larger plot arcs with mini plot supernatural occurrences, not all aliens. but nothing about being an authoritative group that comes in and cleans up super natural mishaps. nah, mulder and skully just stayed in the basement or took an occasional road trip to see a whistleblower. i honestly love scp far more than wh13, but i'm going to be the devil's advocate and not give the new era spin on an old idea to the scp wiki just yet. 173 is an scp, but the idea of scps is not fully laid out yet. the thread was also deleted days later and thus only lived in the minds of active forum users of the time as fan derivatives were made. so there was a period of time where the fandom had started to form, but no official wiki existed. the semi official scp wiki formed in january 2008. later than the announcement of wh13 but before the pilot of the show ever aired in july 2009. so it's always possible the writers were 4channers and yoinked the idea. again, it's so fascinating how close in time and narrative the scp wiki and wh13 are. i personally doubt the writers were on 4chan at the time, but neither the wiki nor the show writers exist in a vacuum. i think it all warrants scrutiny and there's no smoking gun saying who inspired who, or if it's absolute coincidence. that is unless some ogs from the scp wiki or the writers of wh13 are able to speak on it. i'm curious what other people think.

[mekatrio]

the next game i plan to play is TWEWY. unlike the other games ive been playing recently i will not be going into this game blind bc that is impossible for me, cuz ive lived with the worlds biggest twewy fan who is my brother. literally have memories from 2009/2010 of hearing the twewy ost from his ds first thing in the morning. he has also told me the entire lore of this game multiple times. i also tried to play it before in like 2016 or 2017 cuz my brother rly wanted me to and he was like 'its shorttt you can do it'. He Was Lying. and i also watched like 80% of his neotwewy playthru.

so im going to try again now as a More Experienced Gamer. hoping to finish before the end of january cuz thats when i see him again and i wanna hv scholarly discussions abt it with him. and maybe ill play neotwewy if i feel like it (i doubt this). for fun i want to list down everything i know abt the game from my brother so after i finish it i can revisit this post and laugh at it

- "What's a meme?"

- i dont actually know what a meme is. i remember this gameplay mechanic confusing me

- everybody is DEAD and this is PURGATORY or something like that. i still dont really understand what the reaper's game is despite knowing abt twewy for like 16 years

- this game is not a week long my brother LIED. i thought the game would end after one week which is why i tried it back then LOL i know that theres three weeks.. i think..

- shiki doesnt actually look like that thts actually the appearance of her toxic yuri friend or something. i remember this Very vividly bc its like the biggest plot reveal from week one and i remember being like WOAHHHH and jaw-dropped and it was so awesome. its still so awesome! im excited to experience that again

- beat and rhythm are hit by a car but the cars look like sharks bc uh.. hm...

- i actually dont know why the enemies look like that. i know theyre like..... Negative Spirit Energy or SMTH LIKE THAT but why they take the form of animals... idk

- Calling..... Someone is Callinggg 🎶

- the music is really good

- EVERYONE IS SO SKINNY ITS ALMOST SCARY

- fashion fashion that mechanic is fun. you need bravery in order to crossdress which gives you epic stats. which i think is very fun!

- also fuck im realizing that this is a squarenix jrpg meaning im gonna have to be planning members stats and all that shit again. and while i do miss doing that, i hope twewy's 2008 (2007?) design isnt too asswater and is actually functional

- THE COMBAT IS HARD i remember having to draw shit with my left hand while my right hand had to tap buttons! like what!!! according to my brother the combat utilizes every part of the ds, even things like the microphone and closing the screen, and is why he likes this game so much. i hope i can like it as much as him

- im nekuuuu and im rude and unfriendly and i cant remember anything and im mean but I'll Become Kinder as the game progresses

- neku chokes shiki??? i think he was trying to kill her??? so he could leave the game or something.. and she was floating? i have levitation powers???

- i dont remember if i get epic powers.. i feel like thats something i shouldve remembered

- i dont know what the math dude does in this game. i dont remember what all the dudes with the wings are called or what their deal is but ohhh i remember them all pissing me off

- THE FUCKING PIN GAME pins??? badges?? bottlecaps??? i dont remember but i remember that minigame pissing me offff. fuck im gonna have to experience squarenix minigames again

- there is so much dialogue wohfuisdhfjk Squarenix JRPG.

- shiki DISAPPEARS at the end of the first week.. for some reason.. and neku plays a second week so he can bring her back. and that happens again for the third week where i think??? beat and rhythm disappears at the end of the second week? but this time neku isnt just betting on bringing his friends back HES BETTING ON THE FAITH AND GOODWILL OF THE ENTIRE WORLD somethinggg like that

- joshua is the new partner for week 2 and he is such a gay boy.

- Mother and father calls me Joshua ohohohoho

- only dead people can enter the reaper's game and if you win you get another chance at life or something?? idk why tho..

- beat and rhythm entered the game bc they were running away from home cuz they have shitty parentsss and then they got hit by a car

- and shiki attempted suicide i think

- and neku can't remember how he entered the game.. oh... so mysterious....

- it was because joshua shot him with a gun

- and joshua is God because this is a Squarenix JRPG

- joshua wanted neku to show him humanity's worth or SOMETHING cuz neku was a kid who had lost faith in humanity or something like that??

- and joshua disappears in the ending i think very ambiguousss

- The World Begins With You....

[renrapp]

if you don't mind, would you please infodump crashgate to me? i keep seeing it being referred to but i don't actually understand it :/ you can just ignore this ask if you don't want to tho!

OH MY GODDDDDD 🫨🫨🫨 SIT DOWN. I’M ABOUT TO TELL U THE MOST BEAUTIFULLY CHAOTIC AND CHAOTICALLY BEAUTIFUL FORMULA 1 CONTROVERSY OF ALL TIME

SO THE YEAR IS 2008. our key main players are as follows— fernando alonso, 2x world champion and also my skrunkly, his teammate nelson piquet jr, a rookie in this szn and also the son of known garbage can nelson piquet, pat symonds, renault’s director of engineering, and flavio briatore, renault’s managing director and TP at the time.

renault is literally not even in contention for the championship this year, so why they did this? who the fuck knows honestly. but we’re headed into the singapore gp. fernando has a very unfortunate qualifying, getting knocked out in Q2 after a mechanical failure and starting 15th, next to piquet jr who starts 16th. the race is seemingly normal. fernando pits on lap 12 for tyres and fuel (bc yes, back then u could refuel) and then 2 laps later, piquet jr fucking bins it into turn 17. like the flop that he is. and bc this specific turn makes it difficult to retrieve cars, they had to deploy the safety car.

2008 regs meant that the pitlane would be closed while the safety car was deployed until all the cards bunched up behind it. this gave fernando a significant advantage because remember, he already pitted 2 laps earlier, which meant that by the time the pit lane opened, the rest of the grid would have needed to pit for tyres or for fuel while he didn’t, giving him the clean air to put himself in front of the order. shenanigans ensue (massa’s fuel hose nightmare etc etc) that give him more of an advantage, and he goes on to eventually win the race.

NOW. to anyone else, this seems very, very normal. wow ! congrats to nando and renault for scoring their very first win of the season ! #underdogtingz ! and yes for literally a year, that’s what everyone thought .. until the next season.

in 2009, renault were flopping saurrr bad. they kept the same lineup and while fernando was doing his absolute best dragging the tractor that is the r29 (and slaying bc the fucker actually managed to put it on pole once), piquet jr was unsurprisingly a total disappointment, amassing a whopping ZERO POINTS !!!! renault was like wtf stop embarrassing us, and then dropped him over halfway thru the szn for romain grosjean.

piquet jr was PISSED. and he is his father’s son, so obv he decided to stir up some drama. he came onto national tv and was like um . ackshually . singapore 2008 was a LIE bc symonds and briatore asked me to crash ON PURPOSE. they had a masterplan all alongggg and everyone was like wtf !!! and briatore was like fuck you i’m suing u AND ur fuckass dad !

im not even gonna lie idk what came of that but in the end renault was like aight we’re not even gonna fight, also symonds and briatore are both resigning byeeee. eventually the FIA was like yeahhh y’all did this shit on purpose and symonds at least confessed, but briatore was STILL denying involvement even tho he clearly had enough evidence against him. symonds ended up being banned from any FIA events for 5 years (he’s working for the FIA now btw. christ!) and briatore was banned indefinitely but u just cant take the sport outta him cos u see him around sometimes lmaooo

fernando denied involvement and the FIA was like we believe u princess 🥰 whether he actually knew or not .. we don’t know .. but be was literally caught up in spygate the year before that so honestly who the fuck knows. this would honestly be nothing to him he took part in corporate espionage what’s a lil cheating gon do to his wibbly wobbly morals

ANYWAY THAT’S IT ⁉️ i might’ve missed some details but this is all coming straight from the noggin so .. def not perfect. if there is some misinformation in there someone else notices pls point it out lol

[topazadine]

And the thing is that these nurses will use their power against anyone they judge, think has caused their own suffering, or whatever. (TW for medical trauma, medical neglect, slutshaming, misogyny)

When I was in high school, I suffered a ruptured hemorrhagic ovarian cyst. I was absolutely pouring blood. Drenched two of those puppy pad things. I straight up could have died, that's how bad the blood loss was. I'd been bleeding most of the day and only cracked and begged my dad to come get me around the end of the school day because I was literally hunched over on the floor, crying, chalk white from pain.

My idiot father took me to the peds ICU for some goddamn reason even though I was like 15 or 16 and absolutely should have been sent to the adult ICU for a ruptured ovarian cyst.

I told them, having been diagnosed with PCOS the year prior, that I thought it was a ruptured ovarian cyst because I'd read up on my condition and knew it was a possibility, and the pain was only on one side of my body. They didn't believe me because apparently I was just a dumb lying teenager.

Not only did the nurses ignore me in favor of oohing and ahhing over a newborn baby, but they catherized me, pumped my bladder full of fluid, and left me there.

For three hours.

While they "waited for imaging." With a little Tylenol to tide me over. Oh, thanks.

Imagine having a full bladder, for three hours, while you are pouring blood from an ovarian cyst, in immense pain, terrified of how much you are bleeding, scared and wanting your mom (my father was a bastard and absolutely no help, and my mom was off on a business trip), and the nurses just.

Ignore you. For three hours. Because they've got better shit to do I guess. Don't check on you except to throw another puppy pad under you and then leave again.

Then, I got imaging, and they realized, "oh shit you have a ruptured ovarian cyst and it's pouring blood," and suddenly they couldn't get me out of there fast enough. Like basically pushing me out the fucking door, telling me to take a Tylenol and giving me a permission slip to stay out of school the next day. No actual pain relief, no aftercare instructions, nothing. Just "oh well maybe it'll stop or something idk, bye."

It was only months later that I realized that they likely were "punishing" me because they thought I'd been having a miscarriage as a teenager. I wasn't even sexually active at the time.

They then realized they'd been totally fucking wrong after forcing me to lay there with a full bladder for three hours. That I had told them what it was and they had ignored it in favor of being judgmental little shits. And that if I wanted to, I could have gotten them all in serious trouble for ignoring a patient whose room looks like a murder scene while they busy themselves squealing over babies.

Being in the peds unit (again, my father is an idiot), they likely didn't even consider that it could have been ovarian cyst. But instead of, you know, consulting with literally anyone else, they shoved me in a room and ignored me because of their own prejudices. They likely believed I was lying about not being sexually active because my dad was there, because why believe a stupid teenager? Then when they realized they were absolutely wrong, they got me out of there as soon as possible so I couldn't protest.

It was an absolute nightmare, and I hate that they got away with it because I was too young and scared to call out their bullshit, and my father was useless.

(This was at Endeavor Health Northwest Community Hospital in Arlington Heights, IL, around 2008 or 2009. I have no idea how terrible they are now, but I'd advise against going there because fuck them.)

On the plus side, though, it taught me to advocate for myself. Medical professionals have tried to use my mental illness against me multiple times - such as gaslighting me into thinking I'd signed up for group medication management when I distinctly remembered saying I wanted individual treatment - and I call them on it every fucking time. I have walked out of therapy appointments because of bad vibes. I get the ombudsman involved when I have to.

When doctors are extremely late, I go up to the receptionist and tell them to reschedule me and that this behavior is utterly unacceptable. I tell them that I will refuse to pay the copay if they attempt to charge me so they better get ready to eat the cost. And doctors hate it, and I absolutely do not care.

If your patients are always demons to you and calling your ass out, maybe YOU are the problem, not the patients. It's one thing to get a few assholes every once in a while. It's another thing if you're getting so many that you feel the need to get a little snarky pin.

You just better hope you don't run into a patient like me who is more than happy to get you in trouble for being an asshole.

surely it's not just me who finds those fucking "be nice, I'm in charge of the pills" pins you sometimes see doctors and nurses wearing in pretty bad taste right? like the *point* is a stand against being mistreated by patients but like...yea you are in charge of the pills and can arbitrarily deny care to people, not really sure why that's something to gloat about? like the number of stories especially of black women being totally denied painkillers in hospital and stuff because the nurses were assholes it's like....maybe you can have your snarky pins when you're not in the position to medically torture someone? idk

like you get people rushing to defend it like "you don't know what it's like working in a hospital" but like...i do sure as hell know what it's like being mistreated by medical professionals. I'm not even getting paid to be here. it's kinda fucking evil when you think about it for more than a second.

[hismercytomyjustice]

I FEEL I JUST HAVE TO CLARIFY I HAVE A REALLY WEIRD RELATIONSHIP WITH TWILIGHT OKAY.

I read the first book when I was in high school and highly recommended it to my friends, who also enjoyed it. In my defense, we were all 16/17 at the time.

Yes, I have always had a vampire obsession

Then I distinctly remember reading the second book when I was 18 because I read it after my grandma passed away in March of 2007 (just before my birthday) and I was really struggling with losing her.

It took me a bit to realize Bella was hardcore hallucinating Edward. Up to that point I think I’d assumed he was like…idk telepathically communicating with her or something. And then I realized she was jumping off a cliff just to “see” him.

I was dealing with the first major death in my life that I could comprehend. And I got SO ANNOYED at Bella being this dramatic over a boy. Like, girl, move the fuck on.

So I stopped reading the series. Because 18 year old me just could not handle that level of nonsense. At first I had connected with Bella because I was grieving and it was reassuring to see a fictional character going through something similar. I was also in the midst of being hardcore parentified (heyyy therapy!) so I related to Bella on that level too. But then Bella just got too weird and over the top for me with her extreme Edward withdrawal, so I bounced.

Then the first movie came out in 2008. One of my college roommates (E) at the time wanted to see it. She was a major Twilight fan. Me and my other roommate (Em) went with her and a friend of hers to see it. I remember swinging by Hot Topic along the way and there being a bunch of Twilight merch.

Then the movie. I thought E’s friend was going to kill us. Em and I were laughing so fucking hard. It’s not a comedy, but by god it was to us. We also went to the second movie when it came out, hoping for more of the same, but it just ended up being a bummer and I fell out of Twilight again.

Cut to a little while later. Idk exactly when (2009? 2010?), but Facebook Flair was a thing. Poking, too.

I LOVED Facebook Flair. I spent a lot of time finding Flair I liked. And then Twilight, of all things, kept popping up.

I was extremely confused. Twilight was old news to me by then and I had no idea it had become so popular. Baffling.

Intrigued, I decided to do some googling to see what else had happened in the Twilight universe.

Then I started reading about Edward biting a baby out of Bella.

I thought this had to be fake. Like, what in the actual fuck???

NOPE. It was real. It was around then I finally dove back into the series and finished reading it because I had to know what the fuck was going on with this unhinged shit. I also finished all the movies too, though I think the last three I watched on DVD.

Curiosity satisfied, I had a moment of “well, that happened I guess.”

But then Twilight just kept lurking beneath the surface.

Idk if I got sucked back into it or not pre-covid. During the lockdown though, I was really going through it (just like everyone else, hey repressed trauma) and was seeking solace.

I got big into audiobooks then, mostly of stuff I’d enjoyed as a teen. I wanted familiarity and comfort. I was also struggling with getting back into reading after major burnout as an English Major. So I listened to the Twilight audiobooks and the new Midnight Sun audiobook.

I’d been on Stephanie Myers’s site back in the day and had seen the snippet she’d released for Midnight Sun where Edward was thinking about WD-40ing Bella’s window so he could creep on her at night more easily and thinking “my god, it’s gotten even more unhinged somehow.”

ANYWAY. I think that’s around the time I actually started to enjoy Twilight. Delving back into it, I was struck by just how unapologetically self indulgent it was. It reminds me of fanfic in a way. Stephenie Meyer created her own little world and was getting to do deeper dives into it because she had a big enough fanbase that was all too happy for more.

It’s an odd little series. I remember all the hate it got for years (especially in the writing convention circuits I attended) I’d argue because the main demographic was teenage girls and the world loves to shit on what teenage girls enjoy. I’m not saying Twilight is perfect by any means (there’s a lot of fucked up and problematic stuff surrounding it). But for what it is, what it does, it’s very successful.

I think part of its success comes from the timing. It came out alongside Harry Potter and The Hunger Games and mainlined the romance the other two only had in the background. And it does self-insert dramatic star-crossed-lovers teenage angst extremely well.

I also think Meyer is a better author than she tends to gets credit for, that people are too quick to attribute her success to fanatical teenage girls who will “read anything”. Tbh though, idk if it even still has that level of stigma and disdain nowadays.

I think the movies are really good for what they are too. You see a blue tinted screencap and you immediately know you’re in the Twilight universe. They follow pretty closely to the books too (minus the last one’s big fight scene), and the actors are all perfect for their roles. I’m also a big fan of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart (we stan a bisexual icon). I think they’re both incredibly talented actors who just happened to get their big break from these weird little movies.

Nowadays when I’m indulging in Twilight, it comes across to me as a bit campy. I think that’s where its charm lies for a lot of people now. I absolutely love the memes and the reminiscing about how batshit crazy the series and movies are.

So, yeah, this is a really long winded way of saying I have a complicated relationship with Twilight.

I should probably also add I don’t judge anyone who genuinely loves the series specifically for the love story. I’m just not one of those people.

[friendofgum]

I just randomly remembered this awful reality show I watched in like 2008-2009 where women were competing to win plastic surgery before their wedding day 🫣

Idk why I just remembered it now. I haven't seen anyone talk about this show at all ever and it almost feels like I just imagined it!! But I swear it was a real show?? I have vivid memories of seeing the women all standing in line while the surgeon marked up their skin with all the things that could be "fixed" with surgery, and how sad and uncomfortable the grooms-to-be looked. It's by far the worst thing I've ever seen produced by reality tv (aside from maybe the toddlers and tiaras type shit) and I can't believe I've never seen anyone else talk about it. It's like it was so bad it just disappeared off the face of the planet.

[galaxyofhair]

I think something I am tired of seeing is rants about how gaming is rUiNeD and there's no variety or creativity in (AAA) gaming.

It's not that this premise is necessarily wrong, but every argument I see tends to root itself in this idea that we had it better during the 7th console generation and that it was this golden age of gaming and creativity---But like, no... It wasn't---at least, not as golden as you remember.

I still remember watching Zero Punctuation in 2009 and hearing pretty much the same complaint from Yahtzee that every Youtuber and their streaming dog has today: Classic games (from my childhood) good, new games that are sepia and samey bad.

Again, it's not that this premise is necessarily wrong: Are AAA devs doing some shady, shitty stuff and churning out crappy clones of COD every year? Yeah, absolutely.

But this was also true back then (2008~2013): How many of the 360's titles were dreary and so washed out they were basically grayscale? How many of those games had QTEs, or crowbarred in moral choice systems that didn't make sense or didn't matter?

Also there was Peter Molyneux, gamings biggest grifter from that era who literally could not stop lying to save his f*cking life. I'm mad just thinking about it.

Like, you can choose to cherrypick the great stuff like Mass Effect, Fallout, Skyrim, Super Mario, Borderlands etc---but you're leaving out the dawn of cheap, money pit DLC, you're leaving out the first 7 billion COD games, and Battlefield, and Medal of Honor trying to climb out of the grave, and those awful kinect games, and Fable 3 shitting the bed, carpet, and stairs---Etc, etc, etc, ETC

Stop it, get some help.

There's plenty of modern greats in every, single, category---and the best part is that it's actually really hard to distinguish what's an "old" game and whats new because shit is constantly updating.

IDK I'm not taking the time to sit here and name every example, but what other time in gaming could I go from playing Dragon Quest Builders to a complete, from the ground up remake of System Shock, to Deep Rock Galactic, to TOTK, to Starfield?

There's always going to be something bad that's also new---and it makes it easy to look back and not see how things were also bad back then. This is just a part of growing up, and I'm tired of it. All of this nostalgia fueled ranting I see on Youtube, TikTok, Txitter---it tends to secretly hold hands with the "Reject modernity, return to monke" crowd.

And frankly, on the subject of Starfield---quit it, I'm trying to enjoy this fucking game and everyone's losing their fucking religion over it, chill out. They spent 5 years making a ridiculously large game and it's got Bethesda brand bugs, what else is new. You want tradition? Bethesda still makes buggy games as the gods would have it, there---return to Monke motherfucker.

[bulletholemagazine]

MARCH/FEBRUARY DUG UP FROM THE GRAVE

The jist of these types of posts is I'll be sending older bands I've discovered recently. Enjoy!

1. Stampin' Ground

Stampin' Ground were a UK band. Not that you'd tell, this sounds like Slayer on amphetamines and NYHC combined. I don't remember exactly how I found them, but I know it was this song and I know I was going monkey over it. It's so absurdly fast and the breakdown hits perfectly. Thrash wasn't dead in the 90's apparently, metalheads just don't know where to look. Their first three albums (one in 1998, one in 2000, and one in 2003 which I'll talk about in a bit) are very straightforward crossover thrash + earth crisis kind of moshy hardcore parts (all tuned to an e flat because of course it is) and their last album gets a bit bouncier and more hxc-leaning. At the time the new wave of american metal was getting its kickstart and I imagine the band was having some internal problems, so they split up after that and haven't done anything since. Now, the 2003 is interesting, since it's a split with the fucking NORTHSIDE KINGS of all bands. Y'know, the band whose singer is famous for punching Glenn Danzig? And the band with song titles such as "Giving emo kids something to really cry about" and "Fuck The Middle East"? Admittedly not a good look for them, but they're brits so I don't even know if they had any idea of what they were getting themselves into with this. Alas, they made some good music and dipped. Next.

2. Concealment

I found these guys through Starkweather's Spotify page. They had a split together and it interested me enough to see who these guys are. And GODDAYUMMMMM THIS SHIT IS GOOD!!!!!! Techdeathy mathcore that hits extremely hard and doesn't spare a single chug or dissonant chord. Their material's just been uploaded to Spotify 3 years ago, their first release was in 2007 and their second album dropped in 2010. The band is still active apparently, as their neat lil facebook page would suggest. Wonder if they'll ever put out anything else. Also, apparently they were (or still are, idk) signed to Total Dissonance Worship, which when I found that out it instantly clicked. If you aren't familiar, that label has put out stuff like Ion Dissonance and Plebeian Grandstand (Thinking of making a video on my YT about them, maybe for Trustkill as well). I think you could make a solid case for this being early deathcore considering that.

3. Left To Vanish

FUCK DOES THIS GO. Left To Vanish are a Philadelphia metalcore/deathcore band that started alllll the way back in 2001 IN HIGHSCHOOL, and as far as I can find their earliest release was in 2005, back during the days of logos-in-impact-font-core. Very ahead of their time, kind of in the same vain as A Life Once Lost in that regard. They then were making music until 2009, but broke up only to reunite in 2016, which makes them the only band still putting out stuff actively. Their latest EP is extremely good(they have a song with jesse leach on it!!!), they've sort of moved on from this firstwavey sound into something more contemporary and it's pretty amazing how well they've managed to adjust, considering a lot of the old school deathcore bands couldn't. Go show the guys some love and listen to their stuff, they absolutely deserve it. If you like Animosity and early Suicide Silence their 2007/2008 era stuff perfectly fits in that style of deathcore.

Thanks for reading!!! That'll probably do it for the zine posts this month, unless something else really interesting comes out while march still isn't over. I might still do another new releases post for other smaller bands (and for the 2 people reading this). Besides that, I'm still working on music and I'm trying to find time to record videos for the YT channel. Stay tuned :3

[cigaretteparfum]

🎶✨when u get this u have to put 5 songs u actually listen to, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)🎶✨

lakjdfkadjf SO SORRY this has been in me ask box for so long i didn't mean to ignore you @leewalberg. 😭

picking only five songs is so hard but i've managed to (somehow) done it by separating them into kategories so here it goes!!

category 1: k-pop/c-pop. i managed to narrow this down to just Yixing's songs (surprise surprise) and my final pick is Ambush from his Producer album (2021)! i fell in love with that song pretty much from the first listen but i've also been revisiting it a lot lately. the whole album in general is amazing with quite a lot of repeating motifs all over but Ambush is definitely me favourite. ^_^

category 2: english. am torn between me personal holy trinity of Florence + The Machine, Hozier, and All Time Low (one of this is not like the rest), but ultimately i guess i'll have to go with All Time Low's Stay Awake (Dreams Only Last For A Night) from their 2008 album So Wrong, It's Right. that song has been my faithful companion through thick and thin since i was a kid so like. i have to choose it.

category 3: indonesian. alkfjkladjf HELP this one's the hardest to pick but ... Sandhy Sondoro's Malam Biru from his self titled album released in the distant past of 2010 -- that's me final answer. i guess it's more of a jazz-y song? alkdj idk much about genres so if you were to tell me am waaaayyy off i won't even be surprised. me favourite thing about this song has to be Sondoro's voice; it feels kinda rough but in a crunchy way. if you try listening to it you'll prolly get what i mean (... or not, lmfao).

category 4: vintage. the late Solomon Burke's Cry To Me (Rock 'n Soul, 1964) babeeeeeeeyyyy. i can't not dance whenever the song plays. found the song the first time on The Man from U.N.C.L.E movie's soundtrack and it hasn't ever left me playlist since. i absolutely adore this song and i absolutely love Burke's voice. i love his voice so much i want to materialise it, liquify it, then inject it into my bloodstream. listening to his voice is not enough i need it to be infused with me DNA. I LOVE HIS VOICE A LOT. i love his voice a normal amount.

category 5: instrumental. Radio Protector by 65daysofstatic, from the album One Time For All Time (2006), definitely. that's the entire essence of me soul captured within the confines of a less than four minutes song. (is it a less than four minutes song? i think it's less than four minutes am pretty sure.) look, forget MBTI and zodiac and all of that, you want to get a reading of me just listen to this song. you'll probably get the picture, and likely a pretty accurate one at that.

...holy shit i can't believe i actually manage to stay on track and only choose five songs. who knew it could be possible?! anyway here's at least several dozens more songs i eliminated during my attempt:

(expand at your own risk because it's long ... like HELLA.)

EXO: Obsession, Groove, Exodus, Growl, Monster (obviously), Call Me Baby, Ooh La La La

Lay: Sheep (obviously), Amusement Park, I'm Not Okay, Good Night, Goodbye Christmas, Bad, Flying Apsaras

Kai: Blue, Mmmh, Nothing On Me

Xiumin: You (WE NEED XIUOLO SOON LIKE REAL BAD)

(G)I-DLE: Oh My God, Put It Straight (the original version, not the Queendom nightmare one), i'M THE TREND, Hwaa, Hann, Last Dance

Taeyeon: INVU, I

SKZ: God's Menu, Thunderous

SVT: Rock With You

ToppDogg: Amadeus, The Beat

HyunA: Lip & Hip, Show Window

All Time Low: Coffeeshop Soundtrack, Hometown Heroes/National Nobodies, Outlines, Weightless (the original 2009's It's Nothing Personal version is good, but i prefer the 10th anniversary It's Still Nothing Personal version better), Monster (a different kind to EXO's), Safe, Kids in the Dark, Satellites

Florence + The Machine: Various Storms and Saints, Mother, Third Eye, Howl (it's kinda like EXO Wolf's distant cousin if you think about it), Light of Love, Grace, No Choir, Shake It Out, Too Much Is Never Enough, Caught, Hunger

Hozier: Talk, Be, Wasteland Baby, Someone New, Work Song, Sedated, To Noise Making (Sing), Movement, It Will Come Back

The 1975: Robbers (i replayed this song for like, three days straight last year non-stop and now it's forever in me On Repeat playlist lol), Chocolate, UGH!, Sex, She Lays Down, Menswear, Please Be Naked (this one's an instrumental but probably my most favourite of all The 1975's works)

Arctic Monkeys: From The Ritz to The Rubble, I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor, Still Take You Home, No.1 Party Anthem (lol)

Mako: Ocelot

COIN: Run, Crash My Car

Neon Trees: In The Next Room

Mother Mother: Get Up, It's Alright

Margaret Whiting: Time After Time

Half Alive: Still Feel

Acapella Onion: Jolly Sailor Bold (originally from The Pirates of Caribbean 4)

Sheila On 7: Sepia, Yang Terlewatkan, Melompat Lebih Tinggi, Betapa, Sahabat Sejati

Agnes Monica (now known as AGNEZ MO): Karena 'Ku Sanggup, Tak Ada Logika, Godai Aku Lagi, Matahariku

Peterpan (now known as NOAH): Menunggumu, Menghapus Jejakmu, Langit Tak Mendengar, Walau Habis Terang, Bintang di Surga, Khayalan Tingkat Tinggi

Tompi: Sedari Dulu, Aku Jatuh Cinta, Menghujam Jantungku

Tulus: Tuan dan Nona Kesepian, Jangan Cintai Aku Apa Adanya, Adaptasi

Ayu Ting Ting: Sambalado, Tatitut

Stand Here Alone: JAV

The late Chrisye: Kisah Kasih di Sekolah, Seperti Yang Kau Minta

The late Glenn Fredly: Januari, Terpesona

Gigi: 11 Januari, Nakal

Bondan Prakoso: Ya Sudahlah

Alexa: Dewi, Wajahmu Indahkan Duniaku

Audy: Menangis Semalam

The Dance Company: Papa Rock 'n Roll

Isyana Sarasvati: Keep Being You

Endah N Rhesa: When You Love Someone

Kunto Aji: Terlalu Lama Sendiri

Naif: Mobil Balap, Air & Api

Rif: Radja

Seurieus: Rocker Juga Manusia

(the indonesian songs elimination part really can fill an entire playlist on their own alkdjf i told you that was hard)

65daysofstatic: Await Rescue, Drove Through Ghosts To Get Here, Retreat! Retreat!, trackerplatz, Debutante, Don't Go Down to Sorrow

Emiliano Ercoli: Waiting Place, Buriana, Another One (Inside The Shell), Palingenesi, Unsaid Things

Philip Sheppard: Atomic Cathedral, Welcome to Dystopia

Burial: Prayer

The Best Pessimist: Above the Fog (part 2)

If These Trees Could Talk: From Roots to Needles

so how many songs in total is that? don't ask, at least i manage the complete the main quest of picking five as the main answer lololol the rest is just ... bonus. jfakdjfk let me know if you'd be interested to have all of them compiled in one playlist! <3

[finaledenialist]

so in one of your asks you said you dont think cas was in love with dean since the beginning and idk its interesting to me because everyone seem to think he was from the start so what is your take on that? idk im just curious haha

ohhh I wanted to make a post about this so thanks for asking!

disclaimer: I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade I just have a different take on this whole thing!!! 

So. I see people are like: OMG he was in love ALL THIS TIME SINCE 4x01 and I am like: no. 

Was he lost since he laid his hand on Dean in hell? Yes. Was he instantly in love? Nah.

See, Cas in season 4 and 5 is starting to feel. He is conflicted, he is questioning, he doesn’t have ‘people skills’, he is confused by what he feels, he knows there is a ‘profound bond’ between him and Dean and he is rebelling for Dean, because Dean has a point and Cas feels Dean is right and apocalypse and destruction are wrong, and this human is so human and he never had that connection before. Add the sexual innuendos, the eye fucking and the tension between those two and this is what i call ‘classic destiel’. I do have a strong feeling this is partly Jensen’s and Misha’s fault though haha but I am also convinced that the jokes like ‘Cas, get out of my ass!’/’Blow me Cas’ are purely for ‘comedic purposes’ because haha gay so funny (keep in mind it’s still 2008/2009 and things were so different then BUT we still got Endverse which had not only sexual stuff implied but romantic as well - ‘all we have left, Dean and I, is each other, if Dean says it’s time to go in a blaze of glory, so be it’ (I am writing this from memory so these might not have been exact lines but you know what I am talking about).

And then in season 6 and 7 is where things start to get romantic. ‘I watched you rake leaves’, Dean’s blind faith that no, Cas can’t be working with Crowley behind their backs because come on it’s Cas and the whole 6x20 episode is *chief’s kiss* and then season 7 and Cas dies to make things right and Dean keeps his trenchcoat and moves it from every car they have been using that season to always have it with him because part of me always believed you’d come back. OK, but I was meant to be talking mostly about Cas’ point of view. Which takes me back to 7x23 and I’d rather have you, cursed or not. I think these words had a major impact on Cas. Something just clicked. Because he realized that he could say these exact same words to Dean and they still would be true. 

And then we got season 8 which was a major shift and it really moved stuff from ‘sexual tension’ to ‘romantic tension’ and it’s still called ‘season fanfiction’ because I wanted to keep them away from you in purgatory and Cas generally not feeling worthy of anything but I think this is when he started to realize that what he feels is not like ‘brotherly friendship’ but something much deeper but he had his issues (I don’t deserve to be saved from purgatory thing) so he kind of kept it buried. But this was when the Real Love really started. But did he admit it to himself? Well I am not in Cas’ head but something must have been on his mind - Naomi had access too his mind and she immediately recognized that there is a certain Feeling that is dangerous and Cas needs to be fucking lobotomized (I still have shivers thinking about it). Did Naomi knew it was love? Idk, but she felt something was going on - that is why she tried to mess things up between Dean and Cas (I only wish he felt the same way ouch my heart....) and Metatron also recognized it, quicker and better (maybe because he spent much more time on earth and was generally a little more powerful and knowing as the scribe of God) and he immediately used Cas’ grace to banish angels from heaven because Cas was feeling love for a human. But did he, himself recognized it as love? Did he admit it to himself? I still have a feeling that no. I still think that his ‘I don’t know’ after Dean’s ‘What broke the connection?’ was honest.

Now let me fast forward to season 12, because this post is getting too long already and while seasons 9-11 had some good episodes and even good destiel scenes I feel this was the time many people - rightly so - were starting to lose faith in canon destiel, starting with Dean not letting Cas stay in the bunker in season 9 and bros acting like they only call Cas when they need him. I repeat - there were still some good episodes, even great ones. And we were shown Cas worried about Dean and being there for him anytime Dean called, there was so much pining but once again let me raise The Question: did Cas know what he was feeling was love? Or was he still confused, not letting himself believe, not being able to name his own feelings and emotions? And this is merely my opinion but this is also time where many people started to be bitter and negative by how writers treated Cas (and other characters in general but I am not gonna dive into that dumpster now, especially the Cas-having-sex-with-a-reaper thing which was awful, but in retrospect is even more awful because if it was Chuck’s writing this seems like some kind of sick attempt to do a conversion therapy and I want to throw up; plus he thought? he was into his boss at gas’n’sip and he thought she was into him and what even was it if not a. bad writing; b. Cas being confused; c. Cas being confused about this bad writing).

So season 12. First of all 12x12, when Cas thought he is gonna die and the infamous line ‘I love you. I love all of you’ happened. I  am 100% sure this is when Cas realized. This must have prompted questions for him. Why did I say what I said? He blurted those words out but why like that? Aaaand after some thinking I think he realized why. He must’ve been like ‘oooops’. But then Jack was about to be born and he had to protect Kelly and then he died.

And then he is in the Empty who says - I know who you love, I know what you fear, there is nothing for you out there. She doesn’t know shit, she just has access to Cas’ mind and apparently those were his thoughts, already at that time, he thought there was nothing for him out there (again, his depression issues) BUT THEN CAS, MY SWEET CAS, THIS BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER says fuck you Empty in one of his best monologues (before 15x18 I’d say it was his best but here we are) and she yeets him out, because HE decided HE is already saved and he doesn’t need a permission and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I'm awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for... ever. For eternity. 

And then Jack dies and he takes the humiliating deal.  And now we’re at 15x18 and he says: ‘I have always wondered.... ever since I took that burden.... What my true happiness can even look like... Because the one thing I want is the one thing I can’t have’. SEE THESE WORDS HERE ARE WHY I CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT. BECAUSE THEY IMPLY at least to me THAT:

1. He was aware of his feelings, he knew what he felt was love at the time he took the deal. and after that he was like ‘I guess I am immortal now’ because the one thing I want is the one thing I can’t have so nothing else is going to make him truly happy; this also implies that there is only one thing he truly wants and the rest is just not that important, whatever else happens won’t make him happy which is heartbreaking;

2. He knew what he wanted, so this means that at some point he wondered, he imagined, he took his time to picture the ‘thing’ he wanted. Which is life with Dean. Because he is in love. LIKE HE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, HE REALLY DID AND HE CONCLUDED THAT THIS IS OUT OF HIS REACH (now people argue if that is because he thinks it’s unrequited or because he thinks that something something hunter life-fighting all the time-no attachments lifestyle won’t allow them to have this sort of life - and frankly, knowing that he learned everything, or almost everything about emotions from Dean, who isn’t really good at them, I am not surprised if he is sure that this feeling is one-sided, because maybe he conquered his fears in the Empty the first time around but taking the deal must have made him anxious and Chuck still calls him self-hating so he probably thinks this is one-sided and he is unworthy of love anyway);

3. He tried to imagine different scenarios that would make him happy but eventually it all came down to That One True Scenario, out of his reach, that couldn’t compare with anything else, and he tells Jack - you know about that deal, it’s ok, I don’t see myself becoming happy anytime soon AND IT HURTSSS

so to conclude and tl;dr - I think Cas realized that what he was feeling was love after 12x12 although he felt it before but might have been confused by it. I do not think he was ~in love~ since 4x01. There was tension and there was pining but no. This feeling evolved, it didn’t *just* happen in the barn. 

also i am so sorry this took so long but i have thoughts and feelings and can’t form a coherent sentence since november 5th anyway thanks for asking nonny, ily!!!!

[darkpoisonouslove]

Sparks of Life Opera Edition

I am still not over Singing a New Tune so I am going to recap for you the experience of writing that fic because there were many interesting moments over the course of those three days. Lemme start from the beginning.

- So I’m writing a fic that mostly focuses on sexual stuff but it is also mainly happening in an opera so my first order of business is to figure out what that opera is. Both the building itself and the show they’ll be watching. Because that is of utmost importance.

- I have already mentioned that SoL is located in New York so I looked up New York operas. I do not vibe with research most of the time but I vibe even less with having to come up with names for any kind of thing so research was definitely the choice here.

- I somehow get results about operas that are in the other end of the USA. That was not great. I get to the Metropolitan Opera House at last (which I might have known existed if I cared about opera in any way, shape or form) which is great! I am so close to starting the fic! Just need to figure out what opera they’re watching. Because I need that for reasons.

- I end up downloading a PDF with the seatings inside the Met Opera so that I can figure out where the hell they will be seating. But I leave that for later. I look through the actual plays that they’re having while absolutely failing with the navigation of their site. I find a show that catches my eye. It’s called The Magic Flute. I have zero idea what it’s about so I read the Wikipedia summary just to be aware. It mentions that a character has a moment when he’s singing about his search for a wife and I think “Perfect! Foreshadowing!” (since this is set pretty early on in Griffin and Valtor’s relationship).

- I decide to look up the opera and see if I can find a part of it on youtube to figure out how it will sound. I am pretty sold on it already because of the summary I read and also because it implies there is magic as a subject in it which would call back to canon. Still, I look it up. I find a full version of it on the internet with English subtitles... It is 2 hours and 35 minutes:

- “Wow, okay... that’s a bit much. But hey, it has got subtitles in English. Maybe I’d actually watch that... once I’m done with the fic. I’m just gonna listen to a little bit while I finish my research, though, so I can have an idea of what it sounds like.”

- Now it’s time to open the engagement fic - Enough to Be Yours - because I don’t remember what year they got engaged in and I need that to reverse engineer the year in which this fic is taking place so that I can make sure that The Magic Flute was being performed back then. I don’t have an year stated in the engagement fic, though. I have a date - 9th October which is Friday and that means the year is 2015. Great! So I need to figure out if they were performing The Magic Flute back in 2010. Great.

- That takes a shit ton of time and nerves as it turns out. I spent over 4 hours just researching the logistics for this fic and a lot of that was unnecessary but I’m getting ahead of myself.

- I cannot find out whether they were performing the Magic Flute in 2010. I get results of it being broadcast in English (for the first time, I believe) in 2012 but that is way too late for this fic to be happening. Also, they are speaking of a broadcast which just doesn’t work for me. So I am having a hard time over here.

- I find a list of the new titles in 2011 but nothing mentions The Magic Flute as far as I can see.

- I am now considering switching to another opera. I see an opera that is based on events from The Song of the Nibelungs (I cannot be assed to go back and check what the actual title was). That catches my eye because I have read a book that was titled The Ring of the Nibelungs, I believe, and I kinda remember stuff from it... which is what makes me hesitate because that was a big tragedy.

- Meanwhile, I have stumbled upon a trailer for The Magic Flute:

MY GOD IS THAT BEAUTIFUL! THOSE PROPS ARE FUCKING GORGEOUS! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU GET TO GO AND SEE THAT LIVE? THAT IS NUTS! (Also, when I mentioned paper birds (I think they are) in the fic, I meant the ones shown in 0:13, not the big one in the beginning but HOLY SHIT, DID YOU SEE THAT THING????? HOW IS THAT REAL?!?!?!?! IT IS SO FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T. I AM DYING. THIS IS JUST TOO BEAUTIFUL.)

- I somehow happen upon an old archive of the opera (idk how I did that but I bookmarked it in case I’ll need it again) that has information about plays going back as far as the year 1900. This is nuts! I am in too deep but I can’t pull myself away. I’ve gotten this far, I will see it through.

- I search for keyword “flute” and I get results. Some of them are pretty old but I finally find what I need. Performances of the Magic Flute in 2010! Bingo!

-  ...Oh, wait, they’re all around Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Hmm... when will it be okay for them to go? I mean, Valtor has been established to have zero free time around that time of the year and I can’t see them going on the 24th or the 31st... Oh, those are matinees. Definitely no! I need them to go in the evening. And some of these are broadcasts which doesn’t work for me either.

- I looked up earlier years as well. I considered another opera again. I decided to switch up the timeline a little. It makes sense if it’s in 2009. I think they had spring performances of The Magic Flute then. Or was it 2008? Anyway, I finally settle on an early April date in 2009 (I think). Now that that’s settled, let’s go back to the seats.

- First I need to figure out what floor (let’s say) of the opera they’re on. I was thinking of the last one first (family circle) but the boxes (I figure those seats will be safest for their activities) look like this:

which isn’t vibing with me because they would be in the front row and it seems more visible. So I relocate to the previous floor (balcony) that looks like this:

That works a little better although there’s the danger of having more people in their box. But they’re sitting in box 14, seats 5 (Griffin) and 6 (Valtor) (where the arrow is pointing) and there’s only one man in seat 4 in front of them. So that is the best I can do.

- Wow, all that’s finally figured out. I decide to do all the rest of the research up front in order to be able to just write after that and not stop for another 4 hours. More on those other things later BUT I get to the part where I need to pick a vibrator and... well, I done fucked up.

- First thing that comes up for a remote controlled vibrator is Lush, of course. And I am immediately sold because it has a sound activated setting which Valtor will definitely love to utilize while in the opera.

BUT

Lush 2 (which is the first one to have the sound activated setting, I believe) came out in 2018. Even if we accept that Lush also has it, that came out in 2015. My fic is set in 2009. Searching for 2009 vibrators literally went no where so in the end I decided that the SoL verse is actually set in a parallel universe where time is a little warped so the Lush 2 is out in 2009. Plus, that way there isn’t going to be a pandemic in future installments. Overall, that works. Except that I needn’t have been so thorough with my opera research beforehand. Oh, well. It’s finally time to start writing.

- How do you write? How do you start a fic? One word in front of the other? Oh, okay, never mind. Lipstick is a girl’s best friend. Let’s start from there. And a kiss that leads to the discussion of lipstick... Damn, I forgot to spend one more hour on researching what kind of lipstick Griffin would have worn. Shame! You don’t get that detail now. I believe I didn’t even mention a shade.

- Oh, wait. Need for his breath to taste like something. Hmm, let’s see. Tonic water? Yeah, that sounds about right. Never mind that he should have probably drunk it right before getting out of the car to kiss her if it was still lingering on his breath. I mean, that’s not impossible. Just improbable.

- He’s also wearing cologne, right? Gotta research that too. How else would I get this:

and zero idea what it actually smells like despite the description. Also, did not check if that was a thing in 2009 but the story now exists in a vacuum so who cares.

- Apparently, Griffin doesn’t own any golden bracelets even though she does have a golden necklace? Or she could have a golden bracelet, just not one she likes for the current situation? Anyway, I wanted to mention Ediltrude as well because the twins always go together and that was the best I came up with. (That said, I didn’t need to put the mentions of them one sentence apart.)

- My god, I used a semicolon! That feels illegal. I sure hope I used that bitch correctly.

- Okay, I absolutely love all the banter and just flow in the car. Idk how I did that since it’s such a constricted space but I am really proud of it. However, the logistics were sometimes hard to logic my way through. I mean, Valtor doesn’t get to look at her a lot and I had to employ a red traffic light to give him the chance to do so.

- I hit a wall about three paragraphs later. Things started going in a weird direction. I was considering even deleting the last two lines but then I managed to get back on track thanks to having figured out how they met and I decided to write a little bit about that without spoiling it (that will be a fic of its own some day). Suffice it to say it was a meet-very-ugly. But it bailed me out. Also, they got over it so it’s all good.

- And now... that paragraph. You know which one I’m talking about. It stands out with the locations I’ve given. That paragraph required 30 minutes of looking at Google Earth to figure it out and I still nearly got it wrong. At that point it occurred to me that they’ll need a place to park. I mean, idk how parking is in NYC but it’s probably not the way it is in Bulgaria especially on small neighborhood streets where it’s just... park wherever (even in front of a garage if you’re brazen enough and don’t fear having your tires slashed). So first, I was going to have them coming down Tenth Avenue and passing by the backside of the Opera which is not ideal for me because I needed Griffin to figure out they’re going to the opera so that they can have the following dialogue. But there is the New York Public Library of the Performing Arts right next door so I figure Griffin will recognize the area if it’s next to a library. And I have them almost at the garage but... that’s not looking right. This garage is on 65th Street and mine is on 62nd... I have been looking at the wrong garage for the past hour. Now that I have caught that mistake, things get easier. They just drive right past the facade of the opera, take a right turn and then enter the garage. Easy peasy. For whoever’s actually paying attention to the map.

- They’re in the garage now and I have to write another kiss. Shoot! I do not vibe with writing kisses. Writing sex scenes is much easier. But I’ll try my best because this is a little bit necessary if we’re dealing with an insertion of a vibrator in a public bathroom one minute from now. (Again, logistics!) I actually went back to add in a little discomfort during the kiss (but not too much because they’re consumed with each other anyway and probably missed something) just to make it more realistic. They can’t be comfortable in the car. Also, you have got to love how I never even thought of what make the car is. But I did stop to research the tinting of the car windows.

- Now this is extremely funny but I would have had zero idea that there are different laws about how tinted your car windows can be in the USA if I hadn’t read a very extensive critique of Fifty Shades (whichever part it was that had that info). So I look up the VLT for New York and it says 70%. Great! Then it won’t be that visible through the windows what they’re doing inside. Oh, wait! VLT means Visible Light Transmission aka 70% of the light should be passing through the window. Aka it is only tinted on 30%. This much:

That’s practically nothing. You can see everything through it. Welp, then someone’s gonna see, I guess.

- Can’t believe I didn’t stop to look up clutches either. (Lmao, I was calling it a purse instead of a clutch at first even though I definitely meant a clutch. And then I remembered that clutch existed as a word. Who would’ve thought?) It’s baffling trying to figure out why my brain was prioritizing some details over others and I just genuinely have no idea what was going on.

- Griffin is blushing a lot in this. Can you tell I have no idea how else to convey Valtor giving her feelings through body language?

- I first envisioned the box being opened by the hair pin by turning it like a key. Only later did I realize that that wouldn’t be possible because the pin has two parts (whatever they’re called) and that would make turning it impossible unless all of the base fits into one hole in the lid of the box. So I had to adapt my vision to using the extensions at the ends of the hair pin like a hook that pulls the lid up once it’s clicked free. I have zero idea how that would be done but I’m sure it can be done. So yeah, anyway, the pin looks like this but with attachments at the ends to open the box:

- I might have gone a little overboard with Griffin’s reaction to having the vibrator inside her. I might have made her a bit too embarrassed but I still think that she simply wouldn’t appreciate someone knowing about what she considers a private experience (despite the very public setting).

- And I am being overly specific again with the seats but I worked for that information so you’re getting it against your will!

- Speaking of, that man in their box was pretty ignored throughout the fic. But then again Griffin wasn’t overflowing with lucidity. She is sure to have missed... A Lot, actually.

- My apologies (once again) to @her-majesty-wears-jeans​ for not letting Griffin punch Valtor in the face for the terrible pun he was about to make but I thought that that would ruin the mood so I had to skip it.

- I might have imagined things a little differently but then consent factored in and I had to change things up so that Griffin is clearly on board with everything. I hope it came through that way at least. She is on board even if she is very, very frustrated. She would never throw the bet just because it’s difficult for her. Though, I’m taking note for future fics of maybe being a little bit more explicit about the enjoyment of all parties involved. I just couldn’t really think of a way to convey it better back then and I am coming up with several ideas now and I will try to keep them in mind for future fics.

- I keep going back and forth on just how far into their relationship this is. Sometimes it feels like it’s not enough time for them to get this familiar with each other and sometimes it feels like too much for them to still be skirting their feelings for each other like that. Will update when I make up my mind about how long exactly it has been.

- In retrospect, probably should have picked up an opera that people would be less likely to bring their children to (as brought to my attention by @her-majesty-wears-jeans​). I apologize for this. Did not consider it at all.

- A wild tangent about Griffin’s sexual experiences before Valtor popped up (for the second time now). This is giving me thoughts and I am not even sure if I’ll manage to get them all out in the bachelorette party fic. Oh, no, I am getting ideas again.

- God, I had to mention those paper birds because I adore them. Also, needed to do a time skip somehow (sure hope they don’t show up at the very end or the very beginning).

- So there are some things about the whole thing with the suit jacket that if you squint, you’ll miss the very far-fetched and convoluted ways in which I could make them make sense but again, it isn’t impossible to make them operate according to logic so good enough.

- And now for the dress:

I thought it would be reasonable for Griffin to own something like that. It doesn’t look overly expensive or dramatic.

- I swear that most of the 2% angst was an accident. Griffin was supposed to say the “You paid how much for tickets exactly just so you could fool around?” line but the following few paragraphs sprang on me out of nowhere. That was where I left it off the first day I was working on it and I wasn’t sure how to continue it. Then the angst happened.

- I do not believe the retaliation part was planned but would it really be a Griffin x Valtor story if something like that hadn’t happened? XD

- “reverberated”, “multitudinous” and “unobtainable” are probably not words that Griffin’s muddled mind would go to in that precise moment but everything else I came up with for them just did not sound right.

- I completely forgot the word for neckline and was so mad at myself for that but, luckily, I managed to remember it before posting the fic. I believe the original read “he slipped a finger under the fabric of her dress, running it over the top of her breast” which is not incorrect but just not precise enough for my liking.

- Sure hope the shortened version of the opera did not cut out the ending musical sequence. But that seems unlikely.

- The idea was running overly long in my head by having them going back to the penthouse so that I could have the scene where he picked her up so I decided to move things around and have him carry her bridal style on their way from the opera to the car. It’s not like she didn’t earn it.

- Pretty sure I had planned something a little different for the last several lines of dialogue but I couldn’t remember what so we get this. Which isn’t a disadvantage. I mean, Griffin is already thinking of marrying him. XD (That’s probably a bit of a stretch at the current status of their relationship but then again, she was thinking of a wedding, not necessarily of their wedding even though I’m clearly a little romance gargoyle that meant exactly that.)

- Originally, Valtor was supposed to floor the brakes while they were out in the NYC traffic but then I decided that doing it while still in the garage with only one car behind them and both vehicles driving at a very slow speed was a lot safer so I switched to that. It also saved me writing more words which was appreciated. I thought this fic would be a bit shorter.

- I was at a loss for how many orgasms Griffin should want from him but then the commitment line happened and that was all avoided.

[ghostsandmirrors]

What’s your sweetest RP experience so far? & What’s your RP pet peeve? c:

⨳ — MUNDAY; send one to get to know the mun better!

this got long

What’s your sweetest RP experience so far?

so, my memory is--probably infamously for anyone who follows me because i do not shut up about it--fuckin terrible. i was going to replace sweetest for 'funny thing that happened' because i could only remember one actual situation, but instead i'm going to go with a recurring thing that surprises me every time and is related to the situation (someone else also sent this one so they get the actual situation) and that thing is peoples' reactions to bam.

so there were a couple of sites in 2008/2009 where there weren't many people (though one of the people on the first site i had him on was a rl high school friend and he made bam's brother the first time), then fast forward to about 2010. i join a potter rp site that's set in the 7th year with bam. the admins and a couple of the other members love him. like, someone made a twin for him, someone else made his mum and boyfriend. he kind of became a legend on the site? it was weird.

i join more sites with him as my starting character, and every single time people just?? love him?? he was written as an annoying, hyperactive little shit, so you can imagine my confusion when people like him and enjoy threads with him and actively want to plot with him. one of the admins on one of the other sites said they loved him because he was obnoxious which has not stopped making me laugh and that was about a decade ago.

the whole thing is kinda funny as hell, because the most predictable thing upon making bam in any space is that she's gonna have muns love her and muses either love or hate her (which is intentional), and also kinda sweet in a weird way? because bam's my favourite oc. i'm not gonna pretend i don't have favourites, i absolutely do and bam and wag are right up there, and idk if it shows and it makes other people love her too, but it's so nice to take bam into a space where i don't know anyone and then people love him.

like, it got to the point that i have a couple of friends who i've been on a tonne of rp sites with over the years, and whenever i used to make bam on sites with either of them, they'd celebrate. the last site i took bam onto (the same one the joker history from the other day was from and the same one where jameson was gonna date moon knight), one of the pair mentioned him being made so i said 'one person asked for him' in the discord after i finished the app on the site, and the other was like 'SOMEONE asked for him?' and i had to be like 'ay only one person said it'. it's wild. i love it.

i'd play bam even if it didn't happen, but i do absolutely love that it does. it makes everything so much more fun when people just go 'i love him' and i'm internally going 'FUCKIN SAME'.

---

What’s your RP pet peeve?

so, i have mentioned one before here. my other main one isn't really an rp one so much as a theme one.

i hate container themes.

my brain is not large enough to figure out how to navigate this ugly fuckin thing. there's straight up like three or four people i've refused to follow just because i couldn't find jack nor shit on their container-themed blog. like, they didn't follow me either so no one's losing out but still. if i cannot find shit, i'm simply not following.

where's your about? somewhere. :)

where's your rules? pick a symbol on a cluttered background and fuckin start praying you picked right, bitch.

also they always look bad on my laptops. my old laptop had a smaller screen and everything looked cluttered (which also fucks me up), so i assumed 'oh, they'll look better on my new one because it's a lot larger and the container will automatically stretch to fill-'

call the circus to pick up past me because they're missin a fuckin clown. it's... it's past me. past me is the clown. because i was wrong. i was so fuckin wrong.

i hate container themes. where the fuck are the links? where are your rules? can i change my own rules to 'if you have a container theme, we will meet in hell' or will my mutuals who i love dearly but who have those themes be hurt by that? are we allowed to just ban those themes? i mean, people use tiny icons and tiny writing even though people keep telling them not to so probably not but please.

the clean ones where there's a solid colour background are better in that i can see the links and can navigate, and i love and adore anyone who picks a solid background vs. a cluttered one. yous are my favourite of the container users, which is kind of like saying 'you're my favourite rat carrying the plague' but y'know, progress!