#shirt based off a post I saw in here.. you know how us catholic girls get....

[tangentrina]

Day 4 of Gregtober! Prompt was "Casual Outfit" but my fashion is so bad, I just gave him a silly shirt.

[dog-day-morning]

THE TRUTH AND SHAKA ZULU WILL KILL YOU

In a once-popular commercial for Calgon detergent in the 1970s, a curious housewife probes the Chinese owner of the local laundry for the answer to one of the world’s eternal mysteries: “How do you get shirts so clean, Mr. Lee?” After peering over his shoulder (so as to be sure that his not-so-discreet wife isn’t standing near) the man turns back around, raises a finger to his lips and says through a smile, “Ancient Chinese secret!”

While the answer to the question posed to the laundry owner by the woman was a closely guarded secret — one that his sweet, no-nonsense wife happily ruined — it was neither ancient nor even Chinese in origin. But the TV spot famously tapped into one of the most enduring legends about the country whose Ming Dynasty rulers had a 16-to-26 foot wall built around it: the age-old traditions of secrecy.

And, like Vegas, what happened in China very often stayed in China, just get the hell out of Alkebulan!!! But if you insist on staying, you and your barbarian invader horde of Ghengis Khan, wannabe warlords can take that beatdown like Hirihito of Japan. You can indulge in Alkebulan's rich resources for a season or get on a junk boat and go back to China and rebuild your own country. If you stay in the Motherland you'll perish🖕🏿🖕🏿🖕🏿🖕🏿. As the saying goes, s**t happens. Wash ya ass. Please, continue reading… my screwed up mind !!!

Take the Black Chinese [Moabites] who once made up the entire population of China prior to Esau's attempt at reclaiming the birthright God decreed would be Jacob's while in the womb through forced miscegenation "Raping of indigenous women." Do not be confused or mislead by this post. My research was sketchy to say the least. The portion of the population before China’s modern era does not register any indigenous Moabites, for example. The fact that you’ve never heard of them proves the point. Here comes the BS. But don’t worry. You’re not alone. China has some 1.3 billion people and nearly all are just as in the dark about them. Well, either that or a billion people all swore to never-ever-never air any [ahem] ‘clean laundry’ about black folks formerly having a place in China’s allegedly homogeneous society. That's a bunch of made up monkey s**t. Frankly, even an ancient culture with the bragging rights to the longest continually recorded history, another myth, is bound to miss a few things like a heart, and some effing genomes. The former presence — up until sometime in the 20th century — of Black people in pre-modern China is one of them. Fortunately, though, old photos taken throughout China around the advent of photography can help us to fill in today some of what the historians missed on purpose. I can't believe I'm posting this. 👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿 China’s Qing Dynasty, established by the Manchu people who ruled from 1644–1912, is described as having been a vast multicultural empire. But it appears multicultural could also be a more pleasant euphemism for multiracial. You people are like dogs, stop eating them?! Nothing illustrates this better than the Black and white photos taken by visitors from Europe in the mid-to-late 1800s. Really?!! John Thomson, an Irish photographer was one of the first to capture images that reveal a surprisingly more diverse makeup of then-contemporary China. In one of the most stunning photos taken by Thomson displayed above, six women dine together in a courtyard. Captioned “Manchu ladies at a meal,” the picture was taken in 1869 in the city of Peking (now Beijing). Seated at the center of the photo are two women: on the right sits a typical high class Manchu and on the left sits a smiling Black woman — who could easily pass as the mother of the RZA, the GZA, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, or any other member of the Wu-Tang Clan.

Apart from the physical differences in the women (including the two who were likely seated, but stood for the picture), what’s also remarkable is that when Thomson writes about them, he makes no distinctions — though there were both racial and class differences; some of them were most assuredly attendants or maids. But in the view of Thomson, they were all simply Manchu ladies sharing a meal on a day when he sought interesting subjects to photograph. I saw the photographs. The darker ones were inherently claimed to be lower case workers or servants, while the ones who looked like Lucy Liu were considered affluent, and well off. These racial disparities that evolved from hell are a sad reminder to a wound that won't stop bleeding because of man's inability to stop giving in to his base emotions. I plead cray cray, and insanity. Jacob, they would rather burn in hell for an eternity than let us live in peace for a day. God is coming back for Israel not the Christian Church that has been corrupted by the Evangelical, right wing, nut jobs.

1 Maccabees 3:48

And laid open the book of the law, wherein the heathen had sought to paint the likeness of their images.

If you study history, and read the Bible, you'll see how religion has been used to divide God's people which they're not. Some gentiles will walk into New Jerusalem, the vast majority of them won't. The Bible has been tampered with by people who are shepherds for the Devil. The Catholic Church is Satanic no matter how you cut it. The cathedral of Notre Dame had gargoyles mounted atop the edifice looking over the city of Paris, France. Do you find this to be a bit of a double minded mentality or a slap of defiance in God's face. What god do you worship? We want to know the truth from God. This world can't be trusted with an anorexic T-Rex. You'd call it a crackhead and dump him in the Labrea tar pits unless it was a female, at that point you would attempt to crossbreed it with a Chihuahua, and hope to domesticate this new animal which has disaster written all over his I'm shaking cause I need a fix quick, petrified ass. When Vatican City is destroyed let that be a warning from God to those who still have a sliver of faith in God, get a relationship with Him. Jacob, this writing piece reveals their unwillingness, and froward hearted, lack of sensibility by not telling the whole truth. Instead they give us a revised version of history that wasn't. They have been our teachers for the last 500yrs when we were there's previous. Either you learn from your mistakes or continue to repeat them.

Zechariah 8:23

Thus saith the Lord of hosts; In those days it shall come to pass, that ten men shall take hold out of all languages of the nations, even shall take hold of the skirt of him that is a Jew, saying, We will go with you: for we have heard that God is with you.

If you hate being rebuked by a Black professor with a tenure ship, you'll hate being corrected by a Black child who has 5 degrees including a specialist in biochemical, ecological science, and psychology. You're ashamed because you're proud. There were great African kingdoms that educated the anglo European that's been shrouded in history. The book of Maccabees says the people who have mislead, and lied to us are as knowledgeable as a 13yr old using crib notes. I'm nuttier than a can of Planters, the truth is in you Jacob. Utilize the authority given to you. You will have to teach them as it was in the past. Everything from Bible scriptures, to aerospace, science engineering. The educational system is designed to hold back Black children, but the 3 people with the highest IQs in the world at the time was a 10yr old Black male, an 2 Black females under the age of 8. They were the youngest members of Mensa ever. This was about 4yrs ago. You can't stop God's anointing from glowing and glorifying Him and His people. Read the rest of this article and lose your mind. Its a nauseating and frustrating read. The truth will set you free. It ain't in these hood boogers

Written accounts by early Chinese historians tell us that the Tonkin region and its adjacent areas were once a hotbed of various non-Han Chinese peoples, including those from whom the Lao Cai girl descends. But with the southward advance of the Han Chinese, such groups were pushed even further south, or gradually assimilated into the dominant population. Historian Thant Myint-U writes in “Where China Meets India” that during the 9th century, the Chinese ethnographer Fan Cho compiled the Man Shu, or “Book of the Southern Barbarians.” Fan Cho describes there the varied peoples living in and around Yunnan. Included among them were the Wu-man or ‘Black southern barbarians,’ so-called for their dark complexions. And ironically, the French author of the Lao Cai photo had the image annotated with the Chinese word “Man,” and — sadly — with the Vietnamese “Xa” (or Kha), signifying servant or slave.

With this photo of a mother and her two children by John Thomson, taken on the streets of Peking (now Beijing), something finally clicked. For reasons that won’t be detailed here (as it would take far too long to explain) more than a decade of research into the peopling of Asia seemed to suggest that any black Chinese still living in the age of photography would likely all be found in southernmost China. Black Moabites still coexist in China to this day. This is a class study in you must be dumber than an incubator.

In his 1902 book The Boxer Uprising, American photographer James Ricalton includes this photo of several dozen men, many of them likely to be executed the next day for their part in the Boxer Rebellion. The latter was a bloody, anti-foreign and anti-Christian uprising that took place between 1899 and 1901; the 2006 Jet Li film Fearless was inspired by events that took place in the aftermath of the rebellion. The same is also true of the 1971 Bruce Lee film Fist of Fury. No actors in the aforementioned films — nor any other martial arts films set in pre-modern China — ever had actors resembling the non-Han Chinese mixed in above. About them, the racist Ricalton writes:

“This is truly a dusky and unattractive brood. One would scarcely expect to find natives of Borneo or the Fiji Islands more barbarous in appearance; and it is well known that a great proportion of the Boxer organization is of this sort; indeed, how dark-skinned, how ill-clad, how lacking in intelligence, how dull, morose, miserable and vicious they appear!” I'm willing to bet you 5 million in Bitcoin that I don't have, a lifetime supply of opium, and 2 happy ending massages daily that this bougie French bastard is rotting in hell praying to white Jesus that Rumiel won't screw him up the wahoo tonight. Tickle his sack!!! Like Thomas Cromwell the powers that be went to great lengths to cover this history in ChinaTown. You can't hide the truth from a people that's tired of being dictated to, oppressed, lied on, abused and persecuted by everybody, and discredited for the contributions they've made to this damnable planet. As previously stated we don't want crumbs [reparations] we want the whole planet Black before you, and the I hate n**gers brigade showed up, that includes Moo Goo Gai Pan. As soon as his Chicken fried, Bat Man eating, pancaked backside came along, and gained some freedoms, he started emulating his zaddy, he became drunk with xenophobia like the rest. If you hate my commentary tell ya boy Biden or his Amerikkka is not a racist country VP, Kamala Harris. She's next in line to preside as Pontius Pilate over this damnation unless Biden loses his dementia. Its a joke, think or buy a vowel. If that doesn't work, swap some Budha, and kiss Mr. Nasty bye bye.

[percabethfeelsfandom]

writing prompt: me as a demigod

HI so if you don’t know i’m primarily active on instagram @percabethfeelsfandom and I’ve decided to join this prompt thingy for the month of october except i’m super behind so i’m gonna be posting them in random sprints it’s hosted by @pickocha on insta (thank u for all the support on what i’ve been writing thus far :) 

~~~~

“I’m not leaving you,” I cried. The satyr smiled, blood coating their teeth as they gripped my hand tightly. 

“Yes, you will. You’re going to run. You’re going to keep running until you see the hill. You’ll know when you see it. Don’t stop, don’t stop till you see the tree.” I held on tight and lowered us to the base of a tree, hiding among the shrubs. I peeked above the leaves to check if the monsters had followed but the night was dark, the moon hidden behind the clouds. 

“Dylan it’s a forest! There are trees everywhere,” I said forcing sarcasm into my tone to keep it lighthearted but my heart felt like it was caving in on itself. Rain pelted down in sheets, and I could feel the cold in my bones. But the sickly warm feeling of Dylan’s blood was like fire in my hands and soaked down the front of my shirt. 

They’d gotten shot on a loose thorn of a monster, and I didn’t need to look down at their front to know that it was poisoned as well. 

“They’re catching up. The rain can only hide your scent for so long. Let them find me first. GO,” they began to cough, more blood coming out of their stomach in small spurts. 

I held back a sob and pressed my shirt against their front again trying to absorb it. Why wouldn’t it stop?

“You will be a powerful demigod. It was an honour finding you Caitlin. Please run.” 

I swallowed and finally nodded. I pressed a kiss to their forehead and thanked them for everything they had done for me these past few weeks. 

I helped them up and they walked off in the direction we’d come from, screaming for the monsters to come and get them. 

They turned to me once more and nodded in goodbye. I couldn’t bring myself to mirror them so I turned around and ran. 

My body seemed to go into autopilot. My mind shut off and every ounce of my energy went into dodging trees that seemed to appear out of nowhere, branched that had fallen in the storm and puddles of mud that made me sink into the ground. The ground seemed to tremble beneath my feet as I ran, thunder booming as I kept running. 

I craned my neck looking behind me but the moon had come out from behind the clouds and cast shadows along the trees so everything looked like a monster reaching out to me. I pushed myself to run faster, the voice of Dylan still echoing in my mind.

I’d left them. I had left them to die. 

I choked as I paused by a tree. Pushing my dark hair out of my face, trying to see the hill Dylan had described. The entire forest blurred together but in the distance, I could see a hill taller than the others I’d been on. I felt a pull on my gut, like a magnet pulling me and I knew that there was where I was meant to go. 

Even with the sounds of the storm crashing around me, I heard a roar pierce the night. White panic sparked through my entire body and I sprinted towards the tall hill. As I ran I tore at my shirt covered in Dylan’s blood and threw it as far as I could towards the right. I did the same to the left until I was only in my undershirt and the tattered remains of my jacket. My jeans stuck to my skin but I took precious moments to kneel into the ground and smother my face in mud and crushed fruit that I found beneath the shrubs. 

I didn’t know if it would mask my scent but it would have to do for now. My legs pumped, but I had no idea where on earth I was getting all this energy from but I knew it couldn’t last. My body was reaching its limit.

Another roar pierced through the forest but I finally broke through the edge, opening into a small clearing. The hill stood tall in front of me, a towering pine tree with a golden fleece glowing on its branches. Even from here, I had to blink at the bright light and the aura it was giving off. There was no other way to explain it but magic. 

I took off again but my body was spent. My legs felt like lead. I tripped over a branch I hadn’t seen and cried out as my hand caught all of the weight. Even under the cover of the rain, I slapped my hand over my mouth terrified the monster had heard me. 

I forced myself up and began crawling up the hill. 

Claws sunk into my ankle and I screamed as I was dragged from the hill. For a moment I was weightless as I fell. 

The impact of the fall should’ve killed me. But it didn’t. 

I pushed myself up and came face to face with the monster that had been hunting me and Dylan since they’d befriended me at school. 

The monster’s human face was contorted in anger. But whatever that thing looked like, was nothing in comparison to the sheer fury that was coursing through my veins. 

“You want to kill me! Well come on and do it!” I challenged. 

I had no weapon on me. Dylan had left me nothing but knowledge about the monster that was hunting me. The ancient manticore. 

The monster cracked its neck and began to shift. In moments, as its bones cracked it took the form of a lion, scorpion hybrid. Only it’s human face remained the same, its sleek body blood-red in the night, and it’s tail a dark whip. Seeing it in its true form only inflamed my anger. 

This had killed Dylan. My friend. 

It tilted its head at me, mocking my stance as I picked up a branch from the ground and held it up like I was wielding a sword. 

It roared and charged, but I was already moving. I dropped to the ground and heard it land behind me, its claws scraping against the bark of a tree. 

I got up and ran. My senses seemed to heighten as I focused on the area around me, my brain somehow both quiet but also completely aware of exactly where everything was in my immediate vicinity. 

It charged again but I grounded my feet, and threw the branch I was holding into the ground. The ground that was soft and supple because of the rain. It sunk deeply in the mud and stood straight like a spike.

The manticore realised too late and felt on the spike, the underneath of its armour pierced completely through. I stayed where I was and let it come to me. I gripped the ground for another weapon and threw gravel into its eyes. 

It’s teeth glinted in the moonlight as it cried in pain. 

This time I ran. I ignored the pain in my hand from my earlier fall. I ignored the heaviness of my heart at Dylan’s death. I ignored the freezing cold of the rain. 

And I ran. 

The monster was right behind me, but I knew I’d slowed it down because its footsteps were heavier as it followed. 

The pine tree was just out of reach when I turned back for one final look. 

“FIRE.” 

I looked for the source of the voice and saw a line of people just beyond the pine tree all armed with arrows and quivers. Dressed in an odd mix of orange shirts, armour and pyjamas their arrows loosed shooting towards the monster behind me. 

I cradled my head as the arrows whizzed past me but I kept moving. I reached the tree and leaned on it for support, a ripple of energy seemed to pass through me as I stepped past it. 

Two people in orange shirts, a blonde girl and a boy with dark hair held their hands out to me as I walked. 

My vision turned to static as I felt them grip my arms in support. Their voices blurred together and I pressed my hands to my ears. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I whispered until my mind finally shut off, and everything turned black. 

~

“On her own? How is that possible?” A deep rumbly voice said as I twisted and turned in my sleep. My entire body screamed in protest but I kept moving, trying to stop the voices. It was too loud. 

“It’s not impossible. Percy did it barely.” A girls voice this time. 

“She’s a lot older than most campers don’t you think? She’s about our age Wise Girl.” A third voice, a guy this time, different from the first voice, younger. 

“Let her rest and then we will ask. What she did was no small feat. Have a small group camper look for her satyr. They have to be out there somewhere.” The older voice said, and I heard the sound of hooves? Before a door closed and shut. 

“I know you’re awake.” Even with my eyes still closed I froze, and held my breath. 

“We’re not going to hurt you,” the girl’s voice said, “I’m Annabeth.” 

I opened my eyes slowly and turned to her at my side. 

“Caitlin.” I offered. 

She smiled softly and held out a drink, the ice clinked softly in the glass and I sat up slowly, trying to hold it. She lightly batted my hand away and held it up to my lips. 

I took a sip and nearly spit it back out. I wiped at my lips and stared at the apple juice coloured drink. 

“What did you taste?”

“Nutella?” I whispered. 

She laughed and took the drink away. I stared at it still confused. 

“Nectar. The drink of the gods. How much has your satyr told you?”

I swallowed hard and looked at my bandaged hands, still trying to wrap my head around it. 

“Names have power,” I started off slowly. Annabeth nodded in encouragement. 

“The Gods of Olympus are real?”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. There’s tons more to it, but I’ll let you heal up more before I blow your mind up.” She got up to leave but my hand shot out and I grabbed her wrist with surprising speed. 

“Wait- no. You can’t just drop that on me, the gods can’t be real. I’m Catholic. There is only one God. I’m not a child of- What?” She was staring hard at me and frowning.

“Your eyes. I didn’t realise they were grey.” 

“Yeah, my mum said I got the genetic lottery. My ancestors had lighter eyes.” She nodded but didn’t add onto what was bothering her. 

“If you can walk I can give you a tour.” I agreed and let her help me out of bed. A pair of shoes had been left by my bedside my old shoes nowhere to be found so I slipped them on and followed Annabeth out. Someone had thankfully put me in a proper shirt and I was in a faded orange shirt that read Camp Half-Blood with a pegasus on the front. 

Annabeth began to lead me around her camp, pointing out cabins and areas for training. Training for what I wasn’t sure. 

My body was tired but it wasn’t on the same level that it had been when I’d woken up. Breathing was easier and the pain in my hand was gone almost numb. We stopped in front of a grey building with an owl carved over the doorway and plain white curtains. 

I felt a similar tug in my gut like I had down on the hill and started towards the building. 

“Hey wait you can’t!” Annabeth cried as I walked up the steps. The tug was so strong I thought I was going to drop to my knees. I touched the owl on the doorway, my fingertips grazing the wings and felt another ripple of energy like I’d just walked through a forcefield. 

“Caitlin.” I turned to Annabeth and she was staring at me hard again, except she was focused on something above my head. I frowned and looked up, the shape of a silvery owl hovered just above my head, it’s wings outstretched over me. 

“All hail, Caitlin, daughter of Athena, goddess of Wisdom,” she whispered with a grin and dropped to her knee. Other people around her applauded and sunk to their knee as well. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #453

“you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave”

What health problems run in your family? Diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol, depression, cancer, a LOT more that I'm forgetting. Where did you last have sex? I have zero memory of the last time that was, so I wouldn't know. But probably a bed? How long have you known your best friend? Since we were around 8 and 11. What’s something people criticize you the most for? That I rely on the computer too much. Are spiders scary? I mean some are, but they're also extremely fascinating animals that I really enjoy observing. Cheetos. Poofy or regular? Regular, for sure. The poofy ones get stuck in your teeth SO badly. What's your favorite music genre? Heavy metal. Be honest. What are you most afraid of? Doing nothing with my life. What's your favourite type of survey to take? The ones with really random questions that you don't see in every single one. However, I don't like "random" to where the questions are just inapplicable to almost everyone. I also enjoy questions that allow me to vent about stuff I have going on. If I'm in the right mood, deep questions are great, too. What was the last topic you read about? In detail? I don't know. What shirt do you wear the most? Besides tank tops, my Cloak "equal in our bones" Day of the Dead shirt. What's your go-to order from KFC? I don't eat at KFC. Did you have hand-me-down clothes when you were growing up? Yes. What was the last song you listened to? Well, NOW I'm obsessed with Violet Orlandi's cover of "Hotel California." I keep finding new songs that I just loop for days, man, lol. I'm still not over her "The Unforgiven" cover. Did you have long hair as a young kid? I did. How many songs do you know by the band you are listening to? I'm still listening to Violet's "Hotel California" cover, which is originally by The Eagles. I obviously know this song, as well as "Heartache Tonight." Probably more, just those are the two I know and like. What podcasts do you listen to, if any? I don't listen to any. What was your most recent binge watch? Gab Smolders' playthrough of Final Fantasy X. What’s the oldest thing currently in your house? Hell, possibly my bed frame. I don't know. If you use Snapchat, do you post to your story or send individual snaps more often? I don't have one. When was the last time you rolled your eyes? At what? Not too long ago. Mom said something that really annoyed me. Do you like mozzarella sticks? No. If you had to name one of your children after a friend, solely based on their name alone, who would you choose? Probably Alon. Everything about her is beautiful, ha ha. Have you ever watched anime porn? I can confidently say I have not... Are ladybugs cute? Yes! Would you wear something made from snake skin? Fuck no. I won't wear anything that comes from an animal. Will you leave the house without fragrance on? Yeah, idc. What’s the coolest thing you’ve ever done for a significant other? In art class, I made an anatomically correct heart out of clay and put it in a shadow box along with a poem as the background. I honestly really hope Jason still has it, because I worked my ass off on it. What do you think of naming your son after the father (ex. Roy Jr.): It's not my business what other parents name their kids, but for me personally, I really don't like it. Like... give your child their own identity. It also feels kinda arrogant to me? Like are you so important that you have to force your name onto your kid? Do you like Death Cab For Cutie? I only know "I Will Follow You Into the Dark," which I adore. Do walking near or past cops make you feel uncomfortable? Yes. I just feel like I'm doing something wrong somehow. Do you think stretching (or gauging) your ears is disgusting? When they get to a certain size, to me it is. Small ones are no biggie. What piercing or body modification do you think is really gross? Oh my god, those corset piercings people get on their backs. Just... no. What would you do if your bf/gf told you they were going into the army? I'd be fucking devastated, in a hypothetical relationship where we're serious. What is the nearest gas station called? Uhhhh... I forgot lol. The second-closest though, which is almost like, RIGHT beside the other one, is Sheetz. Do you think bearded dragons are cute? omg YES!!!!!!!! What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? I have no idea. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? No. Are you someone who tends to take a whole lot of naps? Too many, honestly. I'm just like... always tired. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? Hm. My favorite I've ever had was "Bee," which Megan called me, but I don't like others calling me that. Ever meet someone whose house has burned down spontaneously? Yes, in middle school. Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? I kinda am. I reached out to him. What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive? Guys: shoulder blades. Girls: hips. Any friends that you’d go on a date with? Yeah. I think I want to try that with Girt and see how it goes and decide what the fuck I want. Is it cute when someone calls you babe? It's funny, I used to hate that, but now I imagine I wouldn't mind? Do you like Muse? Yeah! "Unnatural Selection" and "Psycho" are especially BANGERS. What’s your favorite flavor of jello? Strawberry. What song is stuck in your head right now? I'm bingeing the absolute fuck outta the song I mentioned earlier, ha ha. Do you have a niece or nephew? I have a lot, but only three I see regularly. Have you ever been caught doing something REAL embarrassing by your parents? idk What did you receive for Valentine’s Day? I think Mom got me a chocolate bar? When was the last time you went to a cemetery, and why were you there? I want to say this was many years ago when I went with Colleen to her church. Her stillborn brother was buried there. Have you ever owned a plant? What was it? I grew habaneros once, along with some sort of succulents from Colleen. What was the most interesting animal you have seen in the wild? I saw a mink jump into the river once when I was out fishing with Dad at our favorite spot. Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Always lived here. What’s a smell that makes you feel ill? Dog shit. Do you like to sleep? Yes and no. I like falling asleep if it's quick, because I'm all comfy, but I also dread sleep because of my nightmares. Even with my mask, they're starting to become regular again. After last night's, I am legitimately beginning to fear something is psychologically wrong with me. Like, I cried to my mom. Do you like the smell of gasoline? Ugh, no. It gives me a headache. Have you lost contact with anyone you wish you haven’t? Many people. Did you give anyone his/her first kiss? No. Should you ever have gone to the hospital but didn’t? Vice versa? No. Who do you miss the most? Jason. What do you miss the most? Being happy. What is your birthstone? Do you have any jewelry with it? Amethyst. I have a really cute guardian angel pin with one given to me by my grandmother. What is the last dream you remember having? Last night was... awful. I remember Mom and I getting in a MASSIVE fight, and also literally yelling at my late beloved dog something about crushing his head in if he didn't stop barking. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm really scared something is really wrong with me. Have you had a church confirmation, bar/bat mitzvah, or something similar? Growing up Roman Catholic, I had a Confirmation ceremony. What was the last baby animal you saw? I wanna say a puppy on Facebook. A friend just got one.

[staytruetonorthch]

Perfect Ch. 1

A/N: I’m super anxious but here is my first official post. It’s just a single chapter around 4.5k. I plan on this being a pretty detailed, long-form story so if you like it, hang in there. I promise it’ll speed up once we get past exposition. I’m also highly aware of the switches from past/present tense, but I’m too tired to fix it and I’ve been so hesitant to post it’s either a now or never. I hope you guys enjoy <3

Football!Calum x Dancer!OC  

-----

"Don't make me come over there!" It may have looked like I was yelling into the racks of clothing and shoes in my closet, and to be honest, I might as well be. 

"You worry too much, Celley." I can hear the smile on my best friend, Brynn's face from my bed in the other room. 

"I do, but only because you don't give a fuck, B and I know those boys don't," I said, counting each person out on my fingers. "That's four people in, and not a single fuck is being given. Someone's got to, or nothing would get done." 

"You've got a point. The delivery was a little aggressive, but I'm moved nonetheless," Ash spoke up through Brynn's phone. 

"I'm cleaning as we speak, Cel. It's gonna be fine," Luke chimed in from the boys' side of the phone. 

"I can hear you lads playing FIFA," I said with an exasperated sigh.

We have a party planned at the boy's house tonight. A party I only had five hours to prepare, but that's the beauty of university, right? Spontaneity. All precautions to the wind. Everything that I never could be in high school and am still afraid to do today after a whole month of coursework. Don't ask me what I think might happen. Spontaneous combustion? Instantaneous death? A party that no one has fun at because I didn't have time to make an updated playlist or look up the actual rules for any drinking games? 

"Brynn, are you ready to go?" I ask, peeking my head out of my closet to look at her sprawled out across my bed. I can hardly see her underneath the excessive number of decorative pillows and thick white down cover.

"I just got so comfortable. I was actually contemplating taking a nap."

"Please," I plead, batting my lashes over large dewy eyes. It’s a trick I picked up after so many lyrical dances over the years. Direct eye contact with these watery eyes always left judges speechless.

"Ugh… fine, but I'm getting wasted tonight and sleeping in this wonderful bed. Have your asses in gear by the time we get there," she said, hanging up on the boys and throwing pillows haphazardly across the floor. I cringed at every one as it landed in the thick white carpet. I don't bother telling her that I hadn't expected the night to end any other way. I pull myself back into the closet, eyeing my options once more. I could either go with a red gingham top, or I could tie my white vogue tee shirt in the front for a more casual look. Both require a bra sadly.

"The red is trying too hard," Brynn said, leaning against the doorframe. "You can't pull out picnic bitch chic at a party."

"I guess you're right." I pull the tee over my head careful to avoid touching the thin white fabric to my made-up face. Once I had a knot secured at the base of my rib cage, I fluffed my hair as if it could get any bigger and smoothed out my denim skirt. "Shoe's and I'm good. What about you?" I said eyeing her in the reflection of my full-length mirror. She wore a white hoodie underneath black overalls and black high-top converse. Splitting her hair in half, she tied it up into multicolored space buns on top of her head. Brynn is the kind of girl who could put on mascara and chapstick five minutes before she left, and she’s effortlessly beautiful. Her freckles do most of the work across her nose and cheeks, making her insanely adorable.

"Done. Let's hit the road, Jack," she said, walking towards the door to my studio flat. I quickly replace the pillows back on the bed and turned off all the lights before joining her. She grabbed the keys to my Jeep, knowing I’m too preoccupied to drive us.

"Are we stopping at the store on the way or coming back out?"

"Stopping on the way. We just need paper towels, red cups, more ping pong balls because Mikey lost three of the last four, and snacks. I also found this recipe for a cool looking pink drink, but the boys are all stocked on beer."

"I almost hate the fact that I can't use my fake here. I spent good money and almost got arrested for something that's legal here." I smile, scrolling through my checklist one more time to make sure I didn't forget anything.

"Well that's your fault for not doing a simple google search before you came to uni in Aus."

"I'm just saying, in America, I would be a plug." She turned wide out into the street, speeding past every car. She has a bit of a lead foot.

"That one's lost on me, love." I try to keep up with her American slang, but I wasn't able to watch a lot of American shows or anything growing up, so I'm a little behind to put it gently.

She said she has a southern accent, but I can't tell any difference. Everything she says just sounds brutal to me. Shit slams, anything can pop off apparently, and a lot of good things burn. At least that's what I gather when she uses 'fire' and 'flames' as adjectives. 

I met Brynn at new student orientation. She seemed to be the only other one unamused by the school's welcoming parade meant to encourage school spirit, so as soon as our parents left, we left campus to explore the surrounding area locating the nearest shops and eating places. She was unlike any friend I had ever made swearing and speaking in riddles. I went to an all-girls catholic school filled to the brim with carbon copies of perfect people. We were second to none in both academics and clubs, which my parents loved, and Brynn was the absolute antithesis of that. She was a self- proclaimed 'thick' queen who was a pleasant deviance to the bird thin girls I was usually surrounded by. Her hair couldn't choose a color after multiple self- dye jobs. Even her mixed Mexican and Jamaican heritage were new to me. She said what she wanted and smiled wide at everything. I'm just happy she saw something in me to stick around even if it was the fact that I kidnapped her on the first day, keeping her from someone better.

I grab the frame of the car as she whips into the car park stopping short of a disgruntled gentleman in the crosswalk. She cursed loudly, causing my face to heat up. I contemplate jumping out of the car seeing as how the doors to the Jeep are safely kept in my garage. It’ll be a quick getaway, but I may need to make sure she makes it into a spot that isn't already occupied with this lovely gentlemen's car.

We soon found a spot and made quick work of the shopping, splitting the list I organized by section right down the middle. We’re back on the road in no time, heading closer to the edge of campus where the boys lived.

Ashton was actually the first person to befriend Brynn. They met at a summer fellowship program that put them in parts of Australia that don't have service for a hundred miles. They have that rugged woodsman thing in common. It kept them in touch through their final year in high school before she 'coincidentally' got accepted into the same university as him an entire ocean's length away. They were equally as smiley; she was just a little more… brash at times which is hard to believe. She didn't want to admit that she was nervous when he invited her to the house, he shared with two of his best mates, so I didn't mention anything when she asked me along. As the male version of Brynn, I immediately got on with Ashton. Mikey was chirpy and so sweet despite his punk persona. His other mate Luke was quiet only offering his very corny, yet intriguing commentary. He seems to be the closest thing I have to the friends I'm used to at home despite his lip ring. We formed a group of sorts meeting up in the library to study during the week and finding anything else but coursework to do on the weekends.

Our first kickback was just a barbeque featuring the five of us until Ash invited a few friends he made throughout the week with his open and boyish charm. Brynn had a few of her own, and Mikey wanted to join in on the fun, so he found a few friends to join. Luke and I were just fine meeting people as they were brought to us. Before we knew it, there was a group chat of about fifteen of us with more and more ideas of who to invite to the weekend shenanigans.

The boys had felt the pressure of expectation early this morning before Michael was a functioning human being. He shooed everyone off with a 'ya sure' before hanging up and going back to sleep. Brynn called me with our invite not only to attend the party but to host it at about 5:00 and of course, I freaked out. I plan everything, including some of the most successful events of my college career, if I do say so myself, so I took the praise for last week's party in stride. The difference is, I didn't spend my week planning out this event down to the second hand, so anything can happen. I wouldn't feel all the way like expelling my insides if it hadn't been confirmed that the first-year football players were going to be in attendance after today's match.

This confirmation came directly to Ash from another one of his mates from college, Calum Hood. Not only the best first year but the best player on the whole bloody team. He's also the hottest. The first time I saw him, he was leaving the classroom I was walking into. He opened the door just as I turned the handle, pushing me backward and almost to the floor.

"My fault, mate," he said distractedly, zipping his bag and flipping it over his shoulder. He was obviously sponsored by Nike dressed top to bottom in their slate grey gear, the school's emblem attached to every piece. The only thing I could tell wasn't sponsored was the gray beanie he had pulled down over his ears covering his hair. When he finally looked up a smirk graced his pink lips.

"You alright, doll?"

I couldn't tell if my reaction showed on my face because I didn't expect him to be so adorable with the brute force, he opened the door with. I just nodded my head taking deep breaths, trying to keep my face still. His tan skin was smooth and warm, complimenting the heat in his eyes that was slowly melting my resolve.

"Right. Well you're late, so you might want to…" he trailed off, nodding over his shoulder into the classroom.

"Right," I replied, hoping my hair was doing that cool thing it does when the wind pushes it back. It's either doing that, or the curls are fighting themselves on top of my head. It's so thick I can never really tell without a mirror, but let's be honest. My hair tells me what it wants to do, I rarely have any say in the matter. Instead of walking out of the door, he extended his arm, acting as a human door frame for me to walk under. When I turned my head to look again, he was gone.

I showed up a little earlier to class the next day to see if I could catch him again. Then I was late again and right on time before I decided to be outside the room before his class even ended. He was still nowhere to be found. I had practiced redeeming myself with a smile or maybe even words. Anything but how cringe-worthy I had been the first time, but to no avail. I didn't see him again until the boys dragged us to the first football game.

I don't mind sports at all. I grew up going to my older brother's rugby matches, so I'm not entirely clueless. Brynn, on the other hand, sat unmoving and quiet for the first time in our friendship. I think she concerned Ashton the most, as he asked her if she was ok every time the ball stopped moving.

"Someone tell me why I chose the guitar over football again," Luke said, pulling his hands down his face. "I was just as good as him, but now he's got fans and his face on posters."

"If that was true, I'm sure you'd be out there, dude," Mikey said, patting his shoulder. Michael wasn't interested in playing sports unless it was FIFA on the Xbox, but he was supportive nonetheless. Luke wrapped an arm around me, pulling me closer, so he could point out the center forward dribbling through two defenders.

"That's my best mate, or at least he was before he got club offers," he said, taking a swig of his beer.

"I'm surprised he even came to university. He could've just gone pro," Ash said before he cursed the refs loudly. The boy Luke had been pointing out was quick with powerful legs and defined arms. His jaw was clenched, making it sharp enough to cut through glass. Thick curly hair was pushed out of his face with a thin gauzy headband, a gold streak shone prominently in the surrounding darkness of his curls. As he made quick work of the remaining defender, there was only himself and the goalkeeper who looked menacing. Making a sharp left jab, he caused the goalie's weight to shift, giving him the perfect opportunity to use his nondominant foot for a goal.

I jumped out of the way as the boys leaped up, hugging each other, and spilling beer. The entire crowd erupted in shouts, holding on to one another as if the world depended on it.

"CALUM! CALUM! CALUM!" the entire stadium roared. He smirked up at the crowd with a small wave. I gasped, grabbing onto Brynn's arm in surprise.

"Calum?" I asked incredulously. Oh boy what did I miss out on being dumbstruck? Not only is he incredibly attractive, but he's a football king? My parents would love him, I would literally win my family if I could've snagged him, but I'm stupid. So incredibly stupid.

This is why tonight is so stressful and important. If I can not only get a football player, but the best football player here and he looks that good, I can get my parents off my back. My mum went to university solely to get a husband, which she found in my dad. She worked as a primary school teacher until he could support them at his father's law firm, and before you know it, he was running the place. They pop out a few kids, dad runs for Parliament, and the rest is unfortunately history. Mum loved teaching, but she loved being a mum more. She just raised the 'perfect children' she liked to say to anyone who would listen. My too perfect to be true brother Cleo and her wannabe prima ballerina Celeste, me. So tonight, I have to look perfect, and everything has to be perfect, but I don't have time to bustle around and host. This party has to go on autopilot, so I can set my focus on Calum.

"It could be worse, Celley," Brynn shrugged as she set the grocery bags down on the counter of the boys' home. She's right, it could be. I didn't expect it to be this clean actually, but there were no discarded clothes in sight, no pizza boxes on the counters, and no beer cans all over the place. At first glance the place looks fine, I just have to get the dishes out of the sink and out of sight, so they're not broken. A quick vacuum run and the place would work out just fine. I relaxed a little letting my shoulders pull forward.

"Thank you, Lukey," I said, starting the water in the sink. I knew he was the only person who really did any cleaning around here. As much as they were all messy, he couldn't live in filth for too long.

"No problem," he replied sitting on the island watching me work.

"Hey, I picked up my own stuff," Michael complained looking through the bags we brought in pulling out various things.

"You picked up the underwear that your mum wrote your name in and sat back down." Ash always laughs when he chastises, never letting you know if he’s serious or not.

"Exactly. I picked up MY stuff. You guys never listen to me." He shook his head, disapprovingly.

"Thank you too, Mikey, but start throwing those balls around this kitchen, and I will cut yours off as a replacement," I said sweetly. His eyes went wide as he set the ping pong balls back in the bag he got them out of.

"So, what's the vibe going to be tonight?" Brynn asked, putting chips in bowls and swatting the boys’ hands away.

"Well I accidentally invited like twenty people this morning."

"And those people invited people," Ash added.

"And word got around so looks like we've got ourselves a rager," Luke said, rubbing his hands together with a devilish grin. "You've got to admit, we're becoming the best party house for first years."

"Calm down. We're just the only first-years who don't live in dorms where you can't party," Ashton said, punching Luke in the arm. Not many groups of friends stay together long enough or get into the same university for their parents to go in thirds on the house. It worked out to be less expensive than staying in dorms.

"We've got the fucking football team coming, Ash, I think we're doing pretty well." I listened to their banter silently as I cleaned and set things exactly where I had imagined them. The first guest started to arrive a few hours later after I had time to add a few extra touches and have my first glass of the wine Brynn and I had hidden in the fridge. Neither of us is too keen on liquor or beer.

Boys are scattered around the living room, passing around joints and playing FIFA. Girls talk around them, mingling on the patio. There’s a very competitive game of beer pong going on in the dining room that somehow consists of all four corners of the table instead of teams on halves. I was content for the first few hours refilling bowls and dancing with friends I had made at past parties. I even had time to play wingman for Michael and a blue-haired girl in the corner, but soon I got anxious. It was reaching the first hour of the new day. I found myself sitting on the floor between Luke's long legs watching him play Super Smash and stealing hits of the joint he had held between his fingers. I gave up on being cute at about two, smoking enough for my eyes to be as red as Luke's, and my shoes had long been discarded in one of the boy's rooms. I didn't know, nor did I care who's it was.

There were just about the maximum amount of people possible crammed into this small house, and I didn't bother saying excuse me as I got up to make my way to the bathroom. At one point there were so many people taller than me I felt I was walking through a forest. I tried slipping past one particularly muscular redhead boy caging a giggling blonde against the wall. I did my best to slip behind him, but he decided it was the perfect time to do the douche stretch and flex hitting me with the red cup in his hand. The pink sticky drink that was delicious if I do say so myself covered me from neck to foot. My skin went hot, and I'm pretty sure the blonde's giggles were going to cause me to evaporate the liquid from my skin with embarrassment alone. Where was my snarky American friend when I needed her to tongue-lash someone?

"I'm sorry, love," the boy said, failing to conceal his laughter. I tried to avoid his face at all costs burning a hole through his chest with my eyes. The school's emblem was stitched into his slate grey shirt, but I couldn't quite remember where I had seen this exact shirt before. I didn't have time to worry about it with my shirt becoming more see-through by the second and my head spinning in circles.

"Just let me by please," I said. Redhead stepped closer to the girl who was giving me a snarky look over his shoulder. "Stay in your lane, honey," I said, trying out one of Brynn's colloquialisms on my own tongue. My glare was enough to split the crowd like the red sea as I stormed past. Just as I reached the bathroom and twisted the handle, it swung open forcefully, revealing a disheveled brunette with smeared makeup and haunting blue eyes.

"What the fuck happened to you?" she said with an amused smile playing at the corner of her lips. 

"I could ask you the same thing," I said, pushing my hair out of my face. "Are you finished in there, so I can get cleaned up or?" She just smirked sauntering out with a wink. I shook my head, entering the bathroom and shutting the door behind me. I looked in the mirror at my hair that was slowly but surely frizzing out, and my shirt may as well have been a window into my soul for how see-through it was. My mascara was smudged in the corners of my eyes and my lips had lost their shine ages ago.

"Are you alright?" I was startled by a voice coming from the toilet.

"Oh my goodness, I didn't know anyone was in here," I said, covering my eyes. "I thought that girl was the only one and she left and--"

"It's fine. I'm not doing anything but looking at my phone." I peeked through the cracks of my fingers to see a boy was sat on the toilet cover searching diligently through his phone. I scanned him from head to toe. Black Vans, faded black skinny jeans, a cut-up muscle shirt that was barely attached at his hips, exposing his defined torso and arms. His warm skin, his dark hair with a single gold streak running up the front. I gulped, hoping I would take my own advice and just spontaneously combust.

"I'm gonna just go," I said quietly, reaching for the door behind me. I had forgotten how quick he was on the field because he scared me shitless when his hand captured my shoulder stopping me from leaving.

"No, I'll go," he said quickly. "I don't think I'm going to find what I'm looking for anyways. Unless… do you happen to know whose party this is?"

"It's my mate's house actually," I said, quirking an eyebrow in confusion. He should know. He invited himself and the whole team this morning.

"So you know all the lads? Michael, Ashton…"

"And Luke," I finished for him.

"I've been trying to reach Ashton and I just barely caught Mikey before he went down to the beach with some girl. He let me in, but there's so much going on I never made it past the kitchen. Do you know where Luke is?"

"Uh… couch." I pushed my hair out of my face taking a deep breath. I may as well just give up at this point. I'm in no position to charm anyone, and I can see the remnants of that girl's lip gloss on his lips. It was kind of cute on his pink pout, but I shook my head to clear the thought. He's not looking at me like that, and he probably never will.

I turned the faucet on testing the temp before grabbing a washcloth from the cupboard and washing the stickiness from my neck and exposed stomach. I expected him to leave, but he just sat back on the toilet cover, fiddling with his thumbs. He looked forlorn, his eyes longing.

"You ok?" I asked undoing the tie at the front of my shirt and attempting to wring it out to no avail. I glanced at the sad boy in the mirror and shrugged before pulling the wet material over my head and rinsing it out underneath the water. It's not like anything was left to the imagination with it on.

"Have you ever heard Luke say anything about me?" he asked quietly.

"Kinda," I tilted my head slightly as if it would help me think harder. "He did say you used to be his best mate when we went to one of your matches."

"He did?" he asked, perking up like a puppy.

"Yeah, watches every match. About loses his mind with pride every time you score, which you do quite often, good on you," I said, fixated with the faint pink water swirling around the drain. Maybe it wouldn't be a lost cause to put this in the wash. I'm so high and sleepy it probably won't make it tonight. "Well, I'm gonna go. If you work it up in you to go see Lu, tell him I've gone back to my flat. I'm sure he'd be thrilled to see you."

"I'll do that," he said, standing up assuredly. "I'm Calum, by the way."

"I gathered that," I said with a small grin. "I'm Celeste." When I opened the door, I didn't imagine how bad it might look with me leaving sans shirt, with the school's football star following close behind me. I decided to start caring in the morning when I had Brynn to complain to. I'm a person who knows how to quit while they're ahead. My perfect night shouldn't be able to get any worse, and I'm not going to give the universe the time to try. 

[lullaandby]

sincerely yours. c text

JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short. 

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.  

 a  treasure chest of  anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy. 

Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

What am I going to do- tell someone 

"hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

He thought about it some more and came back with-

["Hey Jo!  You know what?"

That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation. 

"These guys are no good.

 Nah. Not like how they used to be. 

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior. 

Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

Then he goes " HEY Jo"

That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

What Dad. 

"Are you a lesbian?"

No Dad.

"ok well I want you to know it's ok."

thanks.

"well.... do you know what they do?"

who?

"The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

 Dad. We're done here. 

ST HORROR

Catholic interior design is amazingly bold. 

Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good  buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net 

there’s a photo of your neighbor, 

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year. 

Just bleeding profusely.

And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys. 

FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the  fiery pit.

Really the church needs a revamp.

Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts 

If they don’t comply.

Watch pews fill up.

GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

The he…

Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

Dueternonmy

Or 

Corninthians and just put in random numbers. 

Then conclude with your own opinion.

And they walk away. 

OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

Some like weird cheese 

Do it out 

BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

How did they have hoes in the Bible?

I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

And he just bellows out 

“Let my whores go”

Then they walk to a land where

 they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

*

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas  for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set. 

LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything 

LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

This is essential. 

Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl. 

Who was just one two many break ups deep. 

There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny. 

Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

That’s day one. 

*

STORY- ME

*

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE. 

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

The girl in your office 

Keep talking about going to sweet greens 

Or paint night

They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are 

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives 

BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness. 

Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething. 

COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

To

[50k categories and several articles]

MONGOOSE.

VALIDATION STATION. 

Repression  in females comes from mis placed  validation 

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS 

Jessica simpson? 

Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it 

There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane. 

DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

Bye baby remember to turn the lights off. 

MOTHER SHAME. 

JENNER WORLD

Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

(Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

end on marriage 

The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

Except 

Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack. 

But who is the influencer of the influencers?

Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah. 

Just do it out. Oprah. 

And she doesn’t even have instagram.

And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s  an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family 

Who came before them

As precious moments statues. 

Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a  beatiuous place holder for jizz.

And grandma probably took a load 

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

Just our old friend science. 

****

JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS 

[allisenoble]

In homage to this season where we honor parents through mother’s and father’s day, I wanted to highlight successful artists with families. There is this widely accepted perception that artists (especially women artists) can’t be successful if they start families. The stereotype of the the lone artist dedicated to their craft, eschewing any and all serious relationships lest it distract them from their ultimate purpose of creation still reigns supreme. Acclaimed feminist artist Marina Abramovic has repeatedly spoken in interviews about how having children holds artists back and is a disaster especially for women’s careers. However, isn’t viewing parenting, a role that is traditionally considered feminine, as less then an inherently sexist view? Disclaimer, this is all coming from someone who actually doesn’t want kids! However, it boggles my mind that being an involved parent is often looked at in society as “doing nothing” or underachieving one’s potential. I never thought about it much when I was a kid or teen myself, but how much of a full time job parenting truly is has really hit home for me as friends of mine are beginning to have children, and I see and hear firsthand about their experiences. Even with pretty awesome, well behaved kids, parenting is a 24 hour job. After 18-20 years, the hours may be cut back a little but really it doesn’t end there, it’s a lifetime commitment, and a vocation that is far from “nothing”.

Abramovic made headlines and sparked heated debate when she told German newspaper Der TAgesspiegel: “In my opionon, having children is the reason why women aren’t as successful as men in the art world. There are plenty of talented women. Why do men take over the important positions? It’s simple. Love, family children – a woman doesn’t want to sacrifice all of that”. The following amazing artists and designers with kids prove that you don’t have to.

Mark Ryden,  forerunner of the pop surrealism movement, used his daughter as the model for this famous (or to some infamous) piece, Rosie’s Tea Party. The painting ended up in the middle of some controversy over the inclusion of Catholic symbols embedded in the piece. Asked amidst the uproar whether he felt people were imposing their own interpretations on his work, Ryden responded, “There are many symbolic meanings in my art that I myself am not necessarily conscious of. The most powerful meanings in art come from another source outside an artist’s own literal consciousness. To me, tapping into this world is the key to the making the most interesting art. Some people find my refusal to explain everything in my work deeply dissatisfying. They can’t stand mystery. They need to literalize it all and tie it up in a neat little package”. As someone who has had people misinterpret the intent of some of my work based on their own bias and subsequently fly off the handle over it, I can empathize. Wrongfully interpreted or not, I am also very against censorship in general and feel people need to be able to handle being confronted with things they don’t always agree with. Ryden’s wife Marion Peck is a successful working artist as well.

  Jason Lee, a wedding photographer working in San Francisco, started this project in 2006 when his mother became ill. Because of the need to be careful about germs, her granddaughters’ visiting was restricted. Lee started a blog with these whimsical photos because he wanted his mother to still feel connected to what was going on in the girls’ lives, and he also wished to give her something that would cheer her up and make her laugh. Lee collaborated with his elementary aged daughters to come up with a host of ideas for surreal, comical photoshoots to share with their grandmother. More of the creative and adorable results can be seen here.

  Remy Coutarel is an illustrator from France, now residing in Seattle. He sites his young twin boys as a constant source of inspiration for his work, especially with his children’s book illustrations. His cheerful and imaginative illustrations span a variety of styles and subject matter, all with a recognizable sense of movement and unique character creation.

    Children’s clothing line Princess Awesome got its beginning on kickstarter, the collaboration of two moms and good friends, elementary educator Rebecca Melsky and stay-at-home mom, part-time web developer, and seamstress Eva St. Clair. Melsky had a daughter who loved cars and dinosaurs, but would only wear skirts or dresses. Of course, there were no patterns of cars, trains, or prehistoric beasts to be found anywhere except the boys’ section. The two moms saw a gap in the clothing market, and decided to fill it. They started bringing their designs to craft bazaars, not sure whether other parents would like their designs that featured fabric patterns far different from what could be found in the typical girls’ section in department stores. The clothes sold out immediately, and they started getting orders. St. Clair also home schools her 4 children (She’s basically a superhero), and the two knew there was no way they’d be able to keep up with one person sewing out of their home, which is when they turned to kickstarter to fund their business. The rest is history. I love this company. As I think of myself as a child, one who was also not a fan of wearing pants and liked playing with dinosaur figures and matchbox cars and collecting  bugs and rocks just as much as playing with Barbies, I know I would have adored these clothes. Most clothing companies that pop up as an alternative to the typical “girls section” fare tend to veer entirely in the opposite direction of no pink, and no dresses, so that the girls in the middle who may love  stereotypical “boy” things and stereotypical “girly” things end up left out. The company even makes scarves for adults featuring the fun fabrics covering their kids clothing. I need that dinosaur scarf ASAP.

  Independence Day clothing

Independence day clothing is another line of designs created by a mom that saw a need that wasn’t being filled, and rose to the challenge. ABC news interviewed designer Lauren Theirry in 2015, shining a spotlight on the new company that aims to provide accessible and fashionable clothing to the autistic community. Theirry was a financial news anchor for over a decade before she decided to make the change to becoming an advocate for autism full time. Theirry had no fashion design experience when she started, but she had been helping her son with autism get dressed for 17 years and knew what others like him needed in a piece of clothing. Because people with autism often have issues with fine motor skills and can also have heightened senses, zippers and buttons or rougher fabrics can be extremely vexing and uncomfortable for them. Theirry decided that people with autism, “… deserve better than T-shirts and baggy sweatpants.” She designed a line of clothing in soft fabrics that feature no zippers, buttons, or laces that men and women with autism could easily take on and off themselves. All designs are also completely reversible with no defined front or back side, and are not designed to be gender specific, so that everyone can feel confident and comfortable while wearing them.

  The Huffington Post interviewed this last fashion entrepreneur, who is not just a designer mother but a designer grandmother. Karen Bowersox already had business experience from running her husband’s medical practice, but the decision to dive headfirst into the clothing business at 65 was inspired by her granddaughter with down syndrome, Maggie. Finding clothing that fit Maggie’s proportions properly was always a struggle for Karen’s daughter, especially with jeans or pants. Maggie’s family was not alone in this. Having no prior fashion experience, Bowersox reached out to designer Jillian Jankovsky in order to start her own company tailored specifically to children and adults with down syndrome, then called Downs Designs. Bowersox’s company was rebranded in 2016 to NBZ Apparel International after it expanded to provide jeans and slacks not only for people with down syndrome but individuals with other varying disabilities as well, including styles with no buttons or zippers for those struggling with fine motor skills. Bowersox wants people who look at her granddaughter and all individuals with disabilities to see the person first, not the disability first. She believes having clothing that individuals with disabilities can feel comfortable and confident in and that fits correctly is the first step. In the interview with Huffington Post, Bowersox said, “I can’t believe I’m changing the world, all with a pair of jeans“.

These artists, illustrators, and designers are successful because of  their family, not despite them, and their children have inspired them to generate ideas they would not have come up with otherwise. Don’t let others define what limits your potential based on their own fears and prejudices, and to all the parents out there, thank you!

  Artists To Know: Amazing Artist and Designer Parents In homage to this season where we honor parents through mother's and father's day, I wanted to highlight successful artists with families.

[lullaandby]

SU

2.         

*

SECTION C.

 JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short.

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.  

a treasure chest of  anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

  Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

 The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy.

 Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

 What am I going to do- tell someone

 "hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

 He thought about it some more and came back with-

 ["Hey Jo!  You know what?"

 That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation.

 "These guys are no good.

Nah. Not like how they used to be.

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

  Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

  So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

 Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior.

 Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

  Then he goes " HEY Jo"

 That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

 What Dad.

 "Are you a lesbian?"

 No Dad.

 "ok well I want you to know it's ok."

 thanks.

 "well.... do you know what they do?"

 who?

 "The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

  Dad. We're done here.

  ST HORROR

 Catholic interior design is amazingly bold.

 Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

 Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

 And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

 Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

 And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good  buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

 No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

  Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net

there’s a photo of your neighbor,

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year.

 Just bleeding profusely.

 And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

 No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

 It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys.

 FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

 It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the  fiery pit.

  Really the church needs a revamp.

 Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts

If they don’t comply.

 Watch pews fill up.

   GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

 The he…

 Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

 It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

 It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

 But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

 Dueternonmy

Or

Corninthians and just put in random numbers.

Then conclude with your own opinion.

 And they walk away.

  OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

 Some like weird cheese

Do it out

  BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

 How did they have hoes in the Bible?

  I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

 And he just bellows out

“Let my whores go”

 Then they walk to a land where

they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

  *

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas  for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set.

 LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

 Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

 Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything

  LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

 This is essential.

 Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl.

Who was just one two many break ups deep.

 There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny.

 Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

 Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

 That’s day one.

  *

STORY- ME

   *

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE.

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

  The girl in your office

Keep talking about going to sweet greens

Or paint night

  They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

 THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives

  BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

 They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness.

 Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething.

 COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

To

[50k categories and several articles]

 MONGOOSE.

  VALIDATION STATION.

Repression  in females comes from mis placed  validation

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS

 Jessica simpson?

  Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

 When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

 They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

 Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

 When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

   THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

   It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it

 There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

 MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane.

  DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

 But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

  Bye baby remember to turn the lights off.

  MOTHER SHAME.

     JENNER WORLD

 Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

 (Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

 end on marriage

  The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

 Except

  Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

 Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

 The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack.

  But who is the influencer of the influencers?

 Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah.

 Just do it out. Oprah.

 And she doesn’t even have instagram.

 And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

 So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

    PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s  an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family

Who came before them

As precious moments statues.

 Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a  beatiuous place holder for jizz.

 And grandma probably took a load

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

 Just our old friend science.

 ****

 JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS

     *****

SECTION D.

 KNOW YOUR READY FOR KIDS

You know your ready for kids because

Before when you didn’t get your period and you weren’t having sex

 All you would do is just be like wishing your uterus fondnesses

Thinking that she finally quit,

 Because you can’t blame her all you see around you is nonsense

 Hopefully she is living out her dreams in tiajuanna on a donkey

Wearing a sombrero and partying with a small person,

Who she has to set boundaries with because she’d very into

Group sex and that’s not her jam

    GROUP SEX

Steph and group sex

 Have you ever had a friend who is either being very sexually curious

Or has a really specific thing that they want to try and they’d like

You  to come with them so they just start injecting it into conversations?

     *

FIND SOMEONE

You can’t seem to find anyone yet every single member of the Duggar family is married.

 That’s a lot of kids and you still can’t get a date to last past month three.

  *

  BJs WHOLESALE

  FIND U A MAN

There’s a lot of dating advice out there for ladies but the best is-

Find u a man who looks at you

And takes care of you like he does his own penis.

 You’ll have

infinite  protection

Generous massages

Fresh assortment of culture- movies and photos

Literature in the form of light reading

Long trips

Shelter

If you have sad emotions he’ll do anything to take care of you

And

 Poetry.

      POETRY

Found a website called Hogtied, part of a collection of websites called kink. All the women were tied up. Hot. They also all had clips on their nipples. Sure. The dudes fucking them had locks on their balls.

I'm young, I just assumed that's how adults fucked. So I found some bigass locks for a locker, locked my balls, and started rubbing. It was uncomfortable, but if that's how adults fuck, then I guess I'd better get used to it.

I'll never forget when I finally came. I felt warm inside, like my soul was being cradled by light, all emanating from my dick.

  I'm just glad my roommates didn't happen to come downstairs and see me putting mustard on my dick illuminated by the gentle glow of the open fridge”

  PEZ "Sat at the edge of my bed and catapulted starburst off my rock hard dick into the bobbing maw of a lovely lady I had harbored a crush for for many years. We are still in romance."

 "I'm a grower not a shower so I like to take my scrotum and encase my penis with it. Then when I get an erection, it's like an emerging butterfly."

  DIFFERNCE BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES.

 WHY WE KILL THEM

 Let him live.

 Riffs on how ladies don’t listen

 Like a dog in a cone

We are always trying to do most likely way too much

       WHY THEY KILL US

He is constantly on a voyage to my boobie.

If I look inside his head it often times it will be like this:

Entry log number 654. I’m approaching the boob.

  How men don’t listen

 How they are so sensitive and we are so so mean

 My husband is one of the most sensitive people I know

 He bruises like a soft Carolina peach

 OK he’s only that way with me b/c he loves me and same with me to him.

So why would I put it in that context?

 How about

My husband is so sensitive he has a thick cock?

   PHD. /// BOB

 MEN ARE A LOT MORE SENSITIVE

Men ae more sensitive but if their values don’t align with yours

FORGET IT.

 But we are the same we just keep seeking the validation from them that we don’t give ourselves.

  MARRIAGE VS DATING

You stick around for varying reasons

 You can’t talk shit behind your husbands back

Not only is it rude

It’s ineffective

 Gotta do it right to their face but they are so sensitive

 So like to give him the same petty sick burns I give to a female

He doesn’t quite get it which is amazing

 When he tries to do it back he does it with sports or movies

And I’m like yeah but I still pulled in money

 You my friend are giving questionable hand jobs in the back seat of a car

 DAVIDS BIRDAL

 BEST PART OF BEING SINGLE

Jelly bean jar/ hyptoenuse

You’ll never figure it out  because couples lie

 S-  CAVEAT EMPTOR//Economy Model Husband

  Black Lab

 Story- TUNA MELT//BRIDGET JONES

Just don’t care

    *****

SECTION F

 OVERSHARE****

 METH NANNY pt2.  20 seconds

My  go to overshare detail

 Is that I’m a nanny and graduated from college

 Some people quickly catipult into concerned pity.

 They'll go-

 "ohhhhhh nooooo. what happened?  {really dramtic sad face}

 did you take a slipsy- slidey into the meth-em-phetamines?

 it that what you did?

 well you have all your teeth, so, it looks like you're on the upside of things"

     TRYING 20

I want life advice from a person whose stumbling onto their own personal truth-

 The guy  in the office who does barely any work,  

 yet has taken it upon himself to give all the ladies in the office massages-

 He's found own glory in caressing Edna's sciatica.

 BUSINESS VENTURES.

Sending off used panties, Netflix dvds

  ROCK BOTTOM

Some jobs feel like your own personal rock bottom.

 In reality you're in an office watching an excel presentation

 But in your soul you’re standing in the middle of Target holding a bag of sun chips and trying to move slowly because you just had an accident in your pants.

  ASS THAT WONT QUIT 15

Some people have told me that I have an ass that won't quit,

 which is strange.

 I've never stayed in a job past a year.

 So Historically  I'm a quitter and I'm pretty sure my ass follows suit.

    Stories- work

 *******

 ****

SECTION F.

CANT HANG

  FRIENDS (material. )

 AFFIRMATIONS

The biggest cautionary tape is When a friends occasional affirmational  FB posts turn into daily ones.

 I called up one of my best friends  after seeing her posts and asked if her marriage- which had been rocky for several years had finally ended.

 How did you know? She said.

  If I had strung a week’s worth of her posts together there'd be fantastic  copy for a new anti- depressant commercial.

  FRIEND BREAK UPS

  TRUE FEMINISM

  QUESTIONABLE INTENSITY

Friends who are Fathers can be slightly overprotective of their daughters,

And mothers can have a questionable level of intensity with their sons.

 My friend pointed at her son as he was playing with Legos  and said, "oh my God.

 Isn't he soooo hot?"

 I had to remind her, " ah at one point he relied on you for sustinance-

 and that’s Nasty Caroline.

 And she said, " I know. I know-

 {caramel voice} But oooooh gurl if he didn't, Hey baby . I see you.  Keep building that tower."

 We then had a conversation on what voice intonations are available to nice white ladies from the suburbs-

 That’s not one of them.

  Not for you girlfriend.

Ditto to any snapping motions.

 Twerking on a case by case basis.

  SECTION G

MOCHA

 OUTRAGE. 25 seconds

When a white Person  stands up for issues facing people of color with such force-

 It feels incredible.

 Wow Luke. You really care. Super woke. Good job.

 Then you see that same person display the equivalent level of outrage-

 for an empty ketchup bottle.

 And you realize just they're working out a wide array of  anger management issues.

 Not really. on. my team.

 CRAFTS

Thank you. To the white people who actually do something.

 Any show of support is great but I do have some questions.

 To the people who went into their craft bins and got pins, to affix to their shirts and show solidarity.

 ah-  but you had a whole craft bin.

 I’m not saying anything fancy but a little flare would have been appreciated.

 A hat with a pom pom?

 Story- affirmative action

   ****

SECTION H.

 DIC PIC. 20 seconds

I've been working with kids for about 15 years, that means  parents periodically send me unsolicited  snapshots of their little cuties.

 Which- is the same as a dick pic.

 That little head pops up on the screen, {hand movement} and all life choices need to be reevaluated

 DIC AS CURRENCY. 20 seconds

I heard a person say “that’s going to cost you a dick pic”

 Hmm. Have things gotten so real with bitcoin we’re now using Dick pics as currency.

 Starbucks girl:Venti iced coffee. Ok that will be two chodes and a a gagger

Me: ok, here you go.

Starcucks girl: Oh okokok. Sorry um that’s only one chode.

Me: Oh I’m sorry. I was trying to be generous.

    Never gotten a dic pic :(

I have never gotten a dick pic.

 Perhaps it’s because my personality is  it’s own restraining order.

 I used to be sad about that in my twenties.

The same way I was sad about having small breasts,

 I mean let’s be mature and call them tiddies-

 In my twenties.

 But then you wake up at thirty two, the sun shining in your apartment and you go out for a ice cream sandwich without a bra and watch a couple looking miserable

 And it all makes sense

 DATING

  Dating-stories

Cemetery guy//soap

Divorced guy with ring

   BALTIMORE BUTTS. 50 seconds

 Ladies  have a tendency to set the expectations of themselves incredibly high.

 Take body maintenance.

 My friend gets electrolysis everywhere,

 including.  her butthole.

 Which is not only fiscally rediculous-

  It's a welcome statement.

 NOPE. mmmmhmm not here.

 I need my butthole to be COMPLETELY terrifying.

 You're driving down a really pleasant residential street and you see that one house that gives you the chills and you have roll up the windows.  

 That's the aesthetic I desire.

 A creaky step. Some chipped paint. Screams from the inside. Ace.

 It's tricky though because of the close proximiity to my punash, which needs to be incredibly welcoming.

 It's doable.

 Have you ever been to Baltimore or Philly?

***tag

So, possible. Just give specific coordinates.

 BB tag. Dinner party.

 ***

 2.        CAHTZ (differences between men and women)

3.        Girls are always covering for cat’s poor behavior past or present

4.         

5.        “Yeah well what did you do to the cat?”

6.         

7.        Boys are always selling

8.        At least one sports team’s merits even if they don’t like sports.

   SUPERIOR SEX.

There is no superior sex

If men were the superior sex

They would tell ladies that if you swallowedjizz

You’d loose 10lbs

  If women were the superior sex

They’d bottle up all the hope in a mans eyes

When you talk about blow jobs

And just place it in a jar.

 Just unleash it like fairy dust

Or whatever they use to make Disney world so magical.

  SECTION I

 2.        ARTISTIC INTEGRITY.

3.        Brother is a nerd

4.         

5.        NERDS

6.         

7.        Valuing yourself for your intellect is no different than valuing yourself for your looks

8.         

9.         

10.     Put you down for not knowing things

11.     Ask about things they know you don’t know

12.     Have side conversations with other people who know things and laugh at a person not knowing

13.     Act like your like you’re stupid b/c they had certain training without talking to you

14.      

15.      

16.     They don’t value.

17.     Having athletic ability

18.     Knowing about pop culture

19.     Being able to socialize

20.     Being able to build things in a blue collar way

21.     Having a work ethic that doesn’t require “difficult” mental tasks

22.     Being kind to people who don’t have influence

23.      

24.      

25.     Things they do.

26.     Being lauded for smart achievements

27.     Knowing things in their field

28.     Knowing niche culture things

29.     Not caring if they are cool (but caring)

30.      

31.      

32.     Things they get pissed off on.

33.     If you don’t validate their knowledge

34.     Making fun in anyway way

35.      

36.      

37.     The kardashians of education.

38.     Look at all this intelligence just look at it.

39.      

40.      

41.     Reformed

42.     Married a wife who dragged him away from his home base of friends

43.      

44.     Double down

45.     Always ready to quiz you on arbitrary topics

46.     Like doughnuts

47.      

48.     Dabbling

49.     Until you hit a point of their area of expertise

50.      

51.     Professor

52.     Debates and bows out when they loose

  (The only thing we have in common is our insane parents. He doesn’t like religion I love it)