#shes the 'had to learn every social rule' autism

[partyinthecloudkingdom]

some of you guys posting dungeon meshi discourse need to reread the list of autism symptoms (especially how the symptoms present in girls) bc some of the shit youre saying isn't in the text at all

[is-your-blorbo-neurodivergent]

is she autistic?

submit your own characters here to be featured!

reason: Obvious special interest in her favourite video game, arguable hyperempathy (which does also manifest as a power to dive into other minds and beat up their inner demons, it rules). She has weird speech (she speaks very properly with complex words, sometimes even uses shakesperean language, calls others she respects as Lords and Ladies, etc.) and mannerisms (though thats fairly common in the twewy universe), she's a major gamer and nerd, i love her sm. She's an autism queen to me. Her interest goes as far as buyng every unique pin and merch of her favourite character and afterwards making her own merch to have more.

Also, her designer said that she's "more of a subdued character who can't assimilate into a social environment as easily as other people". There's also that one of her speeches that basically implies she had to learn and master socializing on her own with the help of her favourite video game.

submitted by @theblankest123

[sorcerous-caress]

same anon who sent you the werewolf shadowheart ask earlier, YEAH agree on the Lae'zel part too, people need to give Lae'zel a chance.

She's crude and mean towards us initially but given some time spent with us and after learning the truth, she is actually VERY loyal! And she does not hesitate to answer any questions the oc has about Githyanki / Astral Planes, heck even about Orpheus himself although we can learn that from the various githyanki discs and books in game!!

EXACTLY!!! I've always loved Laezel! I actually got surprised when I went into the subreddit and saw the amount of hate for her. Like how is her banter any different than Astarion's digs at the character every now and then? Yet one of them is immensely hated while then other is unconditionally loved.

She is the most honest out of all of them, she has never ever kept a single thing from us throughout the whole game. Literally everyone of the companions lied or hid the truth in a way or another, but never Laezel. She is so forward and clear with her words and messages.

If she didn't like us then she would've killed us or left, that's what people are confused about. Githyanki don't do social niceties, they don't follow social rules, they are very blunt.

Laezel likes us, she even respects us and sees us as a fighter and even a friend in later acts. She already knew a place that she was certain she can get cured at, yet she followed us and waited for us to go there with her instead of ditching us and going alone. All of the other companions were lost and had nowhere to go except Laezel, she had a clear destination in mind.

She is so loyal and nice omfg, also maybe it's my autism making me not see anything wrong with her blunt words and "mean" comments since It's mostly subjective things she brings up which are fair?

[pixleboom]

Autistic Chinatsu headcanon

The NHS website (yes, I'm Bri'ish) has a list of the signs of autism so I've went through them all to see what ones do and don't apply to Chinatsu. I chose the adult's list as she isn't written to be particularly childlike. (Unlike a show like Mitsuboshi colours or Wataten.)

Main signs of autism

Common signs of autism in adults include:

finding it hard to understand what others are thinking or feeling. YES, there are too many examples for this one but to list a few: massaging Akari despite her asking Chinatsu to stop, not realising that she's hurting Yui by clinging onto her arm during the scary film.

getting very anxious about social situations. Not really, she's nervous when first applying to the amusement club and sometimes around Yui but that's it.

finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on your own. Yes, she never mentions any friends that she had before joining the amusement club, even in the flashback she is alone. Even the friends she makes during the show are forced onto her or are friends of friends.

seeming blunt, rude or not interested in others without meaning to. Yes, mostly to Kyoko.

finding it hard to say how you feel. No, not at all.

taking things very literally – for example, you may not understand sarcasm or phrases like "break a leg". Hard to say, given the language barrier. I don't know how some phrases would have been translated.

having the same routine every day and getting very anxious if it changes. Hard to say, as Yuru yuri jumps around in time but there isn't much to support this one.

Other signs of autism

You may also have other signs, like:

not understanding social "rules", such as not talking over people. Sort of, while she doesn't break any rules in conversation she does break some other social rules like when she made everyone continue to play the king game for her sake.

avoiding eye contact. Hard to say, it's never directly shown but she could be looking past people instead of at their eyes.

getting too close to other people, or getting very upset if someone touches or gets too close to you. Yes to both, she constantly hugs Yui and grabs her friends' hands when excited. But she also doesn't like when Kyoko tries to hug her. (But that might just be Kyoko thing.)

noticing small details, patterns, smells or sounds that others do not. No, it's never shown.

having a very keen interest in certain subjects or activities. Yes, being tea ceremony and Yui.

liking to plan things carefully before doing them. Yes, in the extra booklet "until you're a princess' (chapter 148.5) she stays up for over an hour picking an outfit for her date with Yui.

Autism in women

Autistic women may be more likely to:

have learned to hide signs of autism to 'fit in' - by copying people who do not have autism. Possibly, it might explain the traits that she doesn't show.

be quieter and hide their feelings. No, as I said, she makes no attempt to hide her emotions.

appear to cope better with social situations. Yes, she does cope well in social situations.

show fewer signs of repetitive behaviours. Yes, she doesn't show any repetitive behaviours.

Keep in mind that you don't need to show every trait to be autistic. There are also some things that this list doesn't mention that are note worth.

In the previously mentioned extra booklet she has what could be a melt-down when she thinks that she ruined the date and that Yui would hate her.

She sways, and grasps her hands or holds her face when something romantic happens which could be a stims. She doesn't stim normally but as stims are meant to regulate emotions it makes sense that she would use them in such situations.

In season 2, episode 10, when Yui and Kyoko are in Kyoto and her and Akari are left alone in the club room, she acknowledges how tunnel visioned she gets around Yui and asks Akari to continue being friends with her. This is possibly her admitting that she is bad at realising when she upsets people and is asking Akari not to leave her because of it.

She has a short temper which may or may not be related to autism.

Feel free to offer corrections / additions.

[revelry-in-reverie]

~The Drifting Dreamer, Wide Awake~

This post may be subject to repeated edits in the future.

Rules, Nutshelled: Keep it suitable for work, and be nice, please. I reserve the right to delete asks and block, as all other blogs do.

OOC: Revel/Riley was a self-insert OC I made long ago who was meant to be an outlet for me to play pretend, to write who I wanted to be and who I wanted her to be.

She has gone through many iterations as I grew and got better at writing, leading to where she is today; a more faithful mix of who I am and who I would be if I had a handle on my social anxiety.

~The Scattered Shards~

Revel/Riley is a benevolent cosmic entity. She is scattered throughout dimensions in innumerable instances of herself. Every iteration of her is a little bit different from the others, some markedly more so, and some near clones of one another. Some instances are more emotional than others. This blog's mascot is her UnderTale instance.

One thing they all share is that their memories are partitioned from the other shards, that way she does not overload herself and lose track of what timeline she is presently influencing. This is the way she maintains her status as a comprehensible entity.

She greatly limits what powers she uses, and this is universal across every shard that mortal creatures can meet. The iteration shown in the blog avatar's restricts herself to the following:

Weak Fire Breath

Teleportation via portals (limited by where she's been and can remember consciously)

Flight and Levitation

Light Telekinesis (Can be used to move loose objects, and can be used to restrain others if the need arises.)

Matter Manipulation (Can be used to summon carbon copies of objects she has encountered before, i.e. her signature teacup.)

Deflective Scales (Her purple scales can cover her skin on command. These scales are impervious to nonmagical damage. She uses this to protect others.)

~A Dragon's Heart~

Character Traits/Additional Info

Considerate.

Honest.

Devoted to her positions until they're proven wrong.

She seeks justice when it can be found.

Revel usually speaks calmly.

Likes to give and receive hugs.

Remembers the things that others appreciate, no matter how seemingly trivial.

Rarely holds grudges.

Takes it upon herself to protect others... perhaps a bit too much.

Fears others' judgment. Masks it well.

Has autism, ADHD, and depression. She is sometimes paralyzed by Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD.)

Crowds can fill her with dread, which she masks reasonably well. She will fidget more, though.

Tends to get lost in her own mind daydreaming when she listens to music.

Revel at the end of the day is an exploration in the limits of divinity, an all powerful, albeit at times impatient entity who learns that her powers are not a cure-all, that true, valuable healing takes time, and that some scars never heal. Sometimes the best thing one can do is offer their friendship.

Tagging:

⚜️ wide awake⚜️ -> Interactions with asks. 🐉drifting dragon💜 -> Interactions with other blogs. 🗨️trouble bubble💬 -> Mod chatter/ooc. 🌑dreams of dawn and dusk☀️-> Lore tag for Aurora and Revel. 💎castle shard💎 -> Status updates.

Styling is subject to change.

Crystal dividers by cafekitsune. Star Dividers by saradika.

[culminada]

scrolling autistic Tumblr and not relating to anything anymore.

Even though I know I'm autistic. It's all sensory sensitivity, anxiety, inability to be authentic, difficulties unmasking, experiencing ableism, unusual connection to animals (?), "stop saying autistic people have never had sex", etc.

Autistic people ARE more likely to be asexual, and I'm one of them! It feels invalidating when people complain abt other people's headcanons of autistic people never having had sex. I'm autistic and I've never had sex.

I was raised in an accepting home and homeschooled. I have never experienced someone invalidating my autism when I come out. I have never experienced someone not believing me about an autistic symptom. I have always been encouraged to be myself and express myself authentically. I don't struggle with anxiety. I feel like I can express myself authentically with my friends (autistic and neurotypical). I don't avoid social situations with them, in fact I seek them out.

I was a later teenager before I ever had to mask. I speedran 'learning to mask' in 3 years in a hostile environment (hostile meaning cliquish and normal (derogatory)) and now? Honestly it doesn't feel like masking anymore? It can be hard to initiate interaction with someone I don't know and I usually avoid it, but social cues? Just feels like learning another language. But I CAN learn it. It's a complex set of rules to be learned. I used to not be able to recognize people I'd talked to before. Now I can do it fine, no problem. I'm much better with names, too. Interaction with other autistic people feels easier, but it's still interaction.

With my neurotypical friends and family I'm very relaxed and I don't worry about masking unless it's an emotionally-charged situation (and even then, I DO want to show support and I know how, it just feels like translating what I want to communicate into a language that they'll understand and feel. It's an act of love and care for me, not a burden or smth I'm anxious about.) Social interaction doesn't cause me stress like it used to. (And how much of that was the cliquishness of the place I was at?)

And I'm not struggling to fit in a world that wasn't built for me. Neither I nor my family nor my culture expects me to get a job. The last time somebody asked if I was graduated yet or what grade I was in, and I tried to explain the convoluted mess for the umpteenth time, my mom just shrugged and casually declared me graduated. Ig I graduated in some random person's kitchen one Sunday afternoon. I'm not going to college and I don't need a job. I don't have to stress about half the things my autistic peers do.

I don't experience sensory sensitivity, like I've said.

I hyperfocus so hard I DONT notice all the little things; distracting sounds, etc. that even neurotypicals notice.

Sometimes I feel like I have the opposite of all the autistic symptoms.

What ARE my symptoms then?

Inability to start and stop tasks. Special interests. Stimming. Rigid thinking. Missing social cues. Lower empathy. Caffeine doesnt effect me. Hyposensitivity. Greater need of sleep. Distress when things change. Difficulty adjusting my expectations when circumstances change. Missing the bigger picture (esp in social situations). Needing to re-hash every social interaction in my head after the fact.

And those symptoms are mild, too, in the sense that they don't impact my life a whole lot. Maybe I just have kind friends who don't mind the occasional missed social cue or oversharing? Executive dysfunction is the worst symptom (in the sense of negatively impacting my life), and maybe oversleeping compared to neurotypicals. Am I even autistic??

I don't know, AM I masking and don't realize it? Bc I definitely used to have major social trouble.

My friend who is autistic is very sure that I'm autistic, but idk if that's just because I can speak the autistic language easily? I remember before I knew I was autistic and she told me she was, and I mentally switched my script from 'normal people (derogatory)' to 'autistic person (yay, less complex!)'

At the time, I saw it as just another script. An easier one for sure, one I understood (even just from seeing posts online. There's just one rule: be straightforward. And maybe let her info dump sometimes. And be aware of potential sensory difficulties.). It felt more natural; like the way I always communicated at home. like I could stop masking.

But I don't have any scripts at all now. I don't mask. I just interact. I know how my autistic friend interacts. I know how my neurotypical friends interact. And I just DO! The interaction!

What do yall think? Is this masking?? Aaaaahcjskfjskfjd

[charredcheddar]

It's autism awareness month so I guess everyone needs to be aware of me.

This does devolve into a vent so fair warning here

I was diagnosed in my last year of secondary school during post-lockdown when I was 15/16 (though for some reason my report says I was 17 despite that objectively not being true; that's an offical medical document, it's mildly concerning). The only reason I did was because lockdown had messed me up so much I point-blank refused to attend school. In the end I had to join a video call with my head of house and ESLA worker who told my parents that they could not help me and to get professional help. I thought they meant therapy for depression. My parents decided they meant to get the autism diagnosis I had been asking for.

I'd been self diagnosed for at least a year by that point so I really didn't know what it was going to do for me. The only real benefit was mildly getting rid of my imposter syndrome. Since I diagnosed myeslf based on information I got on tiktok, I was worried I was just following a trend or that the app itself had caused all my issues (like ruining my attention span). Nowadays I don't know what is my autism, what is depression and what is just me being lazy and unmotivated.

Either way, I am now formally diagnosed and have been for 2 and a half years. Not that it helped. I did manage to go back to school and get my GCSEs. Honestly they were very good but deep down I knew I was capable of better. I got into the local sixth form studying four subjects. At the end of first year, I signed up to take an EPQ. To noone's surprise, this was too much for me and I did no work over the summer. As well as this, I was 9 months behind on maths/further maths homework, barely completing my film coursework and had pretty much checked out of computing. During a breakdown 2 days before the start of the year, my mum sat me down and asked if I really wanted to go back. I said no and she called my form tutor to arrange me dropping out. Since I was going to turn 18 in a few weeks, she said I didn't need to go back at all.

So now 7 months later I'm not really doing anything. I've had the same part time job since late 2022 and did a 3 month full time job a few months ago. However, that was so draining I didn't accept the extended contract they offered. To be completely honest, I'm worried I will never be able to hold down a full time job. I'm also mourning the fact I will never be able to go to university. I cannot do independent study and self motivation. It's hard considering my whole life I felt like I was meant to go to uni and study a stem subject because I was book smart. Looking back, I don't think I ever actually learned anything I just was really good at memorising information for exams.

I'm trying to spend more time on my hobbies and interests but it's hard to motivate myself to get up. Most of my time is spent on social media watching content to make myself feel better. Every so often I do get around to doing something that I actually want to do. I crocheted myself one of those cat ear hats (it was too big so I might have to do it again but oh well) and I started editing a livestream I did last month. Plus my music club is starting agin soon and I've missed practising. I wish I could do more. There's still so much I want to learn and do.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't autistic. The one thought that really messed with me was the fact that if I wasn't autistic I wouldn't be as good at school as I was since my 'intellegence' was just pattern recognition. Ultimately there would be nothing special about me. However, would I have longer lasting friendships? Would I lose my crippling fear of authority and rules so I could have more fun? After all, I'm 18 and feel like it's too late to enjoy my life.

I suppose there's some parts of my autism that I consider core parts of myself. My ability to become obsessed with something like a piece of media that brings me joy. My pattern recognition, as mentioned. Without those I don't really know who I am. Autism is such a core part of my personality and self and without it I really don't think I would be the same person.

Anyway that was a lot but I need to get back to telling you about the Five Nights at Freddy's lore/ref

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

Apparently I did something wrong with one reblog. Let it be said and known I never mean to hurt people with the things I do or say. Doesn't mean it never happens.

However, I am deeply shaken by the fact that, as I've read on other Tumblrs before, even within a single disorder family - autism, here - there can be so much anger and hatred towards fellow autistics who think/feel/function differently.

It's a spectrum for a reason.

On top of that, life itself is a spectrum. Experiences, age, environment, all have an impact on who and what you become, on top of having a brain that works so differently from societal norm that, as in my case, you can spend 42 years of life trying to figure out wtf is wrong with yourself and one day find an answer by pure chance.

Am I lucky my symptoms are mild/bearable? No. They've been worse to the point I almost stabbed my husband once, a few years ago, in a complete meltdown. It would've been an accident. I still can't forget that happened and the sheer terror of realizing a fraction of a second later what was happening against my will.

I spent two years in utter suffering. Stressed beyond bearable. In physical pain. In mental anguish. Ignored or unhelped by so-called experts while seeking medical attention and ruling out option by option, never finding what was wrong... until a friend mentioned she thought she was autistic, I looked into it, and realized that was it.

There is no single way to be autistic. Some have it worse, some have it better. A friend of mine never had a meltdown. Another is able to hold a fulltime job. Yet another has oft debilitating panic attacks. I spent thirty years of my life with mind-consuming anxieties (ten years of which with social phobia, fifteen-ish with intense time anxieties - which I only now got control on thanks to plant supplements that help ADHD!), depression, limited endurance, ever ever guilting myself for not being good enough, strong enough, smart enough, resilient enough...

Every experience is valid and real.

And, sometimes, one person really only reblogs a picture because it speaks to them, and nothing else. No ill intention. Only a moment of relating.

Edit: let it be said that, in the meantime, the miscommunication was smoothed out and myself and the hurt party talked things over. And I learned a couple of things regarding how Tumblr works (I really, really am not Tumblr savvy, I'm old gen and been on internet since '99).

One thing for sure, I now understand how reblogs work and how not to use them. <<

[colorblockadventures]

November 1st, 2024

A lot has happened… So today I took CB to the vet because she has been scooting on the carpet. I didn’t even realize it was something to be concerned about until I came across this video on Instagram. Saw the video today and made the appointment today as well. She may have anal gland issues and/or worms. I have to increase her fiber intake but I think I’ll extend that to her sister as well and stop with the dry food. I fear mixing the two foods isn’t the best idea for her. I really am trying my best with CB. She’s so sweet and innocent, really makes my heart melt. H and CB have been getting closer by the day, slowly but surely. I thank God and the universe for their health and safety.

As for work, I also applied to LM tonight as I have been feeling unsafe, uncomfortable and unfulfilled at my current job. We shall see how it goes (knock on wood). However, I am grateful for even having a good slow job. With it, I am able to have everything. I just know that I can be better and more successful with the LM job, but only my grandma and God know best. I am nervous seeing how I’ve only had this job for 6 months. But my safely, mental wellbeing and financial stability are important to me. This only fuels me to learn as much as I can in case the best scenario comes true.

My love life is another thing. I have been drunk confessing to B a lot and I regularly regret it. My honesty scares me and it makes me feel guilty for even sharing. But I do believe that sharing my thoughts and feelings is good in the long run. I told B about how I feel around his parents/family. I finally told him how I don’t like the Sunday rule and how I believe it’s only applied to me. Basically he was shook. He was not aware of all this so I’m glad he knows but I don’t like how I had to be drunk to say it. That’s another thing I don’t like about us, the constant weekend drinking. Drinking just to drink became boring so quickly and to be honest, off putting. I don’t like how I can’t stay up with B, I need a nap. I can’t help it if alcohol makes me sleepy and if I just naturally get sleepy past 9pm or even 10pm. If I express how tired I get, B feels bad. He wants me to always stay up and drink with him. In a way I feel bad for him because his sleep schedule is messed up. Truly awful that he can’t sleep early. This makes our sleeping schedule bad. I get the sense he feels lonely at night and wants me to fill in the nightly void. I used to have insomnia and if I still had it, then maybe things would different? Or maybe not because of my asexuality. I hate how I can’t feel sexual attraction when he’s trying to be intimate. It’s hard to pretend, to not feel so sensitive when he touches me. Not to necessarily say he’s off putting, but I just get so into my head about the sensations and motions and bodily fluids. It makes it hard to focus.

Again, it’s me. I’m problem. I blame my undiagnosed ADHD, PMDD, autism, depression and anxiety. Let’s not forget my lack of routine and how I am a slave to it. I need sleep, vitamins, exercise and occasional social interaction to function. Being too enclosed is not good. I’ve been eating like poop and then feeling disgusted of myself. I end up throwing up and cutting just to punish myself. Does it work? Only sometimes. It’s like I need something drastic for me to make a change. How do I go about being better? Why is it hard to be better?

I want to be better but I get nervous if B isn’t supportive or doesn’t like how I go about my health journey. I feel judged and to be judged by him would hurt me. My paranoia then kicks in and I get so insecure. What a turnoff that must be for him. Every time I share with him how I feel, every breakdown, he ends up sick. I make him sick. Things like this make me question our relationship. I hate that I cause his illness. It’s like I’m bad for him. Or maybe I can construe it as me needing to be better so that he can be better. Like a balanced tether.

I just know that l need to change, need to be the change I want to see. May God and the universe bless my cats, B and myself.

[jaitropdonglets]

Autistic People Party, Too

8min read

Here was this entire underworld of debauchery set to heavy bass, the kind that gets up in your rib cage and rattles all your insides. The songs all flowed into each other, pulling along a room roiling with bodies, all beholden to the beat. The DJ conducted an entire crowd full of strangers in the dark by turning a few nobs and pressing the right buttons.

People were meeting, and flirting, and touching, and it looked like chaos but upon closer observation, there was a sort of hierarchy, and a litany of unwritten social customs to learn.

Don’t show up til midnight. When you do, make sure you’re drunk already. Smile confidently at the bouncer when he looks at your obviously fake ID. Make friends with the host, if she likes you then she can get you on any VIP list. Squeal when you see someone you only know from other parties, put on a show as if you had absolutely no idea you would see them there (even though you both go to this party every week). Hug them as if they are your long lost lover back from war.

Don’t forget to do your laps around the club every half hour to say hello to all the rest of the regulars, you wouldn’t want to become irrelevant.

It was not a world I could really navigate myself, to be honest. I leaned heavily on three helpers: my charismatic boyfriend, my camera, and alcohol. The boyfriend handled all the schmoozing, the mingling, and the social ladder climbing. The alcohol handled my nerves, and the camera gave me a purpose — something to do, someone to be.

Every socialite loves a party photographer. My camera got me access, respect, and inclusion. Suddenly I was front row, center, I was on stage, I was being dragged into back rooms where people were offering me keys loaded with cocaine. All I had to do was smile and click — as a “hot girl” in tiny shorts, nobody really cared if I was witty or conversational. They didn’t keep me around for that, and besides, the music was too fucking loud, anyway.

Of course, alcohol greased the wheels of my social abilities; I’d been leaning on it for that since I found my mom’s tequila in the back of a cabinet when I was 15. Heavy drinking made words come out more easily, lubricated the pathway between my brain and my mouth where things often got stuck. It also kept me from worrying if I was doing it right, and gave me something to blame when I didn’t. Oops, did I say something weird? Ha ha, I must have been so drunk. I am such a mess. Isn’t that fun?

What I really loved about nightclubs was the way the dancefloor made me feel. The beat pulsed through my body and vibrated my brain in a way that allowed me to forget myself. I was a boat bouncing on the waves of a bassline, I was no one and everyone at once. There’s a beautiful sense of unity that happens when a group of sweaty humans move to the same song together in an unlit room.

I didn’t have to talk, or make eye contact, or feign interest on the dancefloor. Moving my body was enough, and I could move it anyway that I wanted. (There should be no judgement on a dancefloor — it is one of my cardinal rules.) With the lights flashing colors, the music rattling bones, and my body shaking in time, it was the ultimate stim.

I didn’t understand the sensory-seeking nature of what I was doing back then; I just knew it felt good. I called it “dancefloor therapy”.

It’s something I’d been doing alone since I was a child. I would put on C+C Music Factory, turned up as loud as it would go, and dance til I was exhausted, my favorite songs on a loop. I would make up fake dance routines to NSYNC and Britney, practicing them alone in my room for hours. In my 20’s I got very intensely into hula hooping. I still do things like this now, whenever I’m left in an empty house: my solo dance parties.

If the word “autistic” makes you think, Sheldon Cooper, math genius, hates loud noises, obsessed with trains, you have become victim to autism’s mainstream stereotype. We are not all like this. In fact, there is so much variation within the autistic category, you probably know a few autistic people, who may or may not even know themselves as autistic yet.

I didn’t have my Come-to-Autism moment until I was 30. I had grown up with a brother six years my junior who (mostly) fit that mainstream stereotype. He was my reference for what “autistic” looks like, and since we were so different, I never considered it for myself. I was an artist, and I loved dancing, and I didn’t care about trains. I went to parties! Autistic people don’t go to parties!?

Turns out, when your special interest is other humans, you do go to parties. You go to a lot of parties, and you dedicate yourself to learning how socializing works, and you observe and you mimic and you become someone other people want to keep around. Enter: Jess the Party Photographer. Enter: Jess the Hot Drunk Girl.

My camera became a small monkey I couldn’t get off my back — I never went anywhere without it. I had anxiety if I did. What if something beautiful happened in front of me and I couldn’t capture it? What is the point of going anywhere if I can’t photograph what I’m seeing and store it away in my collection?

Photographing gave me something to cling to, a way to understand, a tangible record of a bewildering world. It also kept me at arms-length — I didn’t participate, I documented. It was a socially-acceptable kind of watching.

My camera took me places. It was a buffer between me and the world, and I’m not sure I would have gone so far and done so much without it. But after a decade I started to wonder if I was really experiencing the present moments of my life when I always had a camera between my face and the world. Slowly, gradually, I stopped pulling it out of my bag. I started leaving it at home, and participating. I stopped drinking, and I stopped going to parties.

Getting sober made me more autistic, or rather, forced me to experience the world without a chemical buffer. I had initially stopped drinking because I thought it would lessen my depression, which had become severe and chronic, but a consequence I didn’t expect was a full identity crisis. I realized that I was a fundamentally different person sober, and it was the first time I had stopped drinking for long enough to get to know that person.

Without alcohol and a camera, I don’t like parties as much, but it really depends on the variables. There are so many! Who is at the party? Where is the party? What do I have to wear to the party? What kind of music is playing at the party? (This, I would argue, is the most important variable…have you ever rocked up to a party where they were only playing trance? Fuck trance.)

It’s very context-dependent, and sometimes contradictory.

I wear noise-cancelling headphones all day, because noise that I can’t control irritates my nervous system, but you will also find me front-row at a show, laying on the fucking speakers until I get sound-bruises on my thighs. I both abhor noise and crave loud music — sensitivity and sensory-seeking are not mutually exclusive.

Similarly, I love losing my body and soul in a crowd on a dark, hazy dancefloor, but a crowd echoing through a bright fluorescent mall will fuck me right up.

In the psychedelic community, they talk about Set and Setting — your mindset and your physical and social environment have a huge influence on your experience. (I know this, because, contrary to popular belief that autistic people are all innocent pure beings who can do no wrong, I did a lot of drugs!) I think Set and Setting are relevant outside of psychedelic trips, though, and perhaps even more so for people who have higher sensitivities.

Good Mood + People I Like + Comfortable Space = Good Time, but Exhaustion + People I Don’t Know + Unfamiliar Space = Bad Time.

Good Mood + People I Don’t Know + Unfamiliar Space could be a Good Time, though, it just depends on the aforementioned variables. My ability to handle any situation and come out mentally and emotionally unscathed is entirely hinged on Set and Setting.

Stereotypes get in the way of our understanding of others, and even of ourselves. I didn’t ever consider that I could be autistic because I was a Social Butterfly Party Person for so long, but now that I understand camouflaging, how easy it is to overlook socially-acceptable special interests, the use of heavy drinking as a social tool and, you know, the fact that not all autistic people are introverts, I see how ridiculous and limiting that assumption was.

Generalizing about other people is a natural pattern-seeking thing our brains do, but it also makes us miss things. We have to stay open and curious and ask questions, and always remember that shoving a human brain into a little box does a grave disservice to a beautiful, complicated thing. Contrary to popular belief, autistic people party, too. You just have to play the right music.

[ut-obsession]

So, let’s talk about alphys.

(UT/DR SPOILERS)

Yesterday I said that she was neurodivergent but with no explanation whatsoever since I only had time to type that much. Now I actually have time!

Alphys is definitely a shy, introverted character, and that can happen with anyone, but that’s not true when it comes to the way it’s presented.

Alphys shows many common signs, like hyperfixations, and this shows why she talks about them, like with Mew Mew. When Mew Mew is discussed, she talks about it for a while, though her shy trait seems to stop her from going on longer, but anxiety is a trait in ASD, so that’s very important. Hyperfixations occur in almost every neurodivergence. The most common ones are ADHD and ASD (Autism)

The other thing is how she reacts to things. Neurotypicals generally react to things in very “normal” ways. However, when you go on the with her is when this isn’t “normal”, so to speak, although normality shifts from person to person, so for Alphys this behavior cna be entirely normal. When doing the date roleplay, if your undyne, she will suddenly have an outburst. This is a great example of neurodivergence, though I’m sure that sounds like nothing. However this lines up with ADHD and ASD once again.

ADHD and ASD are the two ones I’ve been mentioning, but with no indication on which it is. Now it’s entirely possible to have both, but I don’t think that’s actually the case.

Let’s start with her interests. For example, Mew Mew. In both UT and DR, when Mew Mew is brought up, Alphys starts to talk about it a lot, more than she probably should. When talking, she exhibits an insane amount of hyperfixation, obviously, but also something interesting, one that is 10x more common in ASD. She doesn’t just talk about the plot itself, or important/funny scenes that any media enjoyer would remember. She mentions the smallest details. Little things that commonly nobody remembers. One common trait of ASD is noticing small, minuscule things in shows, books, and every day life. This is very uncommon but possible in ADHD, but very common in ASD.

Another autistic trait that makes me think Alphys has ASD is how she seems to have almost no friends. She’s very lonely, keeps to herself a lot. Plus all her traits seem to limit her ability to make friends. This is extremely important in ASD. This paragraph is to short so I’m just continuing. She also doesn’t seem to recognize social cues often, like during the quiz show when Alphys starts rambling about Mew Mew, not recognizing that she isn’t supposed to say anything.

Final thing I’d like to talk about is her planning. We learn before the Mettaton fight that she had mostly planned our whole journey through the Core. Planning out things like how she did is actually something Autistic people tend to do. Along with this, her struggle to make friends could make her desperate enough for this trait to come out, leading to that part of the game. Alphys doing this is that final piece I need to be 90% sure she’s Autistic.

Remember, this is a well researched but unprofessional theory. Key word is theory. I am interested in a career in psychology and am currently researching it, but am not yet professional enough to say this is true. Without Toby Fox himself’s input, I still wouldn’t know for sure if I’m right.

Today’s recommendation: DR Chara Timeline! It’s a well written and fun read, and it even has its own Weird Route!

Before you comment, please read my boundaries and rules post to avoid commenting any offensive or inappropriate content.

[lunatasticdinoface]

i watched episode 1 cuz of this post and, what the hell

i didn't realize the main character was autistic! i had a new thing i could relate to pretty much every 5-10 minutes

i dig into some episode 1 maybe-spoilers below so i can also dig into what i related to.

(this is also a personal feelings post, not a discourse post, so you (any reader) don't have to read/reblog it if you don't want to. it's not a statement on how you should act or think. it's also kinda long and rambly! but also if you try to be like "hey actually you were wrong about this or that thing, and you're problematic for it" when i'm talking about personal feelings, i really don't care and i'll be sleeping or playing video games instead of listening to you.)

. again ---SPOILER WARNING---

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she turns out to be a genius savant basically immediately, which i can't relate at all to because i am just an internet goblin. (i had some things i excelled at early on but most of it turned out useless. but hey i can remember how words are spelled forever, from a single exposure. i learned fluent english via subtitles. it was impressive for a 5 year old but useless in adult world.)

i think most people would fail to relate to the savant thing too since it's super rare and not remotely representative of autism worldwide, but that's not really the thing i paid attention to anyway.

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i paid attention to the little details that i never get to see in media.

i saw the way she fidgets openly in public, which i was always called out for, and learned to mask.

i saw the way she spoke awkwardly in public, which i was always called out for, and learned to mask.

i saw the way she moved awkwardly in public, which i was always called out for, and learned to mask.

i saw the way she would excitedly talk about her deep personal interest (whales!) and people would think she was weird for that. (hey look, another piece of love forced out of me.)

i like seeing her do these things because i wish i felt comfortable to do them. the idea of "leaking" a single unique trait through my mask just gives me intense anxiety and embarrassment.

(hell, i had a therapist see that i was fidgeting in the tiniest way i could muster, and point it out, during anxiety therapy!! he said it was fine, but it doesn't matter. being seen at all is enough. my mask broke and you got through. all i want to do is build bigger walls. but i've learned that it's a bad idea)

i know these little actions are harmless, but i was repeatedly told they were wrong. she knows these little actions are harmless, (even pleasant!) but people tell her to stop, and she does, because someone said you can't talk about whales at work. so you can't talk about the things you love at work, unless you absolutely have to.

if you ever wonder why you don't see more autistic people in public, despite roughly 1 in 50 people being autistic, just keep that in mind. i'm not the only one who's gone through this. masking is a survival technique.

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anyway, it's really nice seeing her autistic traits openly represented in media, not as a mark of some freak, but as traits that you must accept in order to accept her as a person, and to enjoy the show. if you can't stand her being herself, you can't watch the show. sometimes i wish reality had a shithead filter like that.

there's a scene where she takes a crowded train to work and i instantly knew how she felt. i'm not saying i have ptsd or anything but god damn i felt instantly uncomfortable like i was there and i was her and i could feel her anxiety building

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people tell her new social rules like "don't do this" and she accepts it like it's being programmed into her brain. i do too! it's not perfect, obviously. she forgets from time to time. but the rules linger and get in her way repeatedly.

she's told not to do something (go through a door) and do something else instead (go through the revolving door instead).

she accepts this as another rule that must be followed, despite the fact that she struggles more with the revolving door.

then when it finally is okay to use the easy door, nobody tells her. a grumpy-ass co-worker comes up to her and helps her through the revolving door and calls her an idiot.

she did everything right according to the rules people gave her, but she's still an idiot according to those same people. i can't tell you how many times i've had that exact thing happen, and it sucks.

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it's like having two (or more) bosses that want you to do the same task in different ways, and either one will yell at you if you don't do it their way. but it's fucking everyone in the entire world.

(i also wanna take this moment to say you all suck (as a society) for making me go through it each year, because i deserve to blindly pop off just once in my life! if you somehow felt personally hurt by a blind attack on 8+ billion people, that's really funny)

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anyway i watched some of these scenes, and repeatedly ended up having to pause to process what i just saw.

i would use those pauses to have little pretend-conversations with people from my life, who often wondered "why are you like this"

i wanted to find the words to express why i sometimes behave the way i do, or why i respond in certain ways during conversations.

i wanted to imagine people actually understanding, for a moment, that it's not because i'm just a disabled weirdo, but because i'm doing about 5 times more work than they do to even approach the same functionality they have

it's really hard to explain, when you have to spend mental energy on

1, an active conversation (tracking its ever-changing topic and timing and body language and eye contact and augh. people wonder why i prefer text communication so much. how the hell do y'all function)

2, self-analysis

and 3, finding the words to turn that self-analysis into an explanation that they can understand despite them being neurotypical

but i have to do that all the time and it's part of why face-to-face conversations are so hard for me

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the only part of the show that i 100% failed to relate to is that people are so polite and accepting despite it. i don't mean accepting in the sense of "oh you're disabled? that's cool we'll work around that" but in the sense of not openly saying "why aren't you making eye contact!? look at me when i'm talking to you"

she gets to avoid eye contact without people writing reports about it as wrong behavior. she gets to gently straighten something on a superior's desk without getting yelled at.

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the final part of what i loved about the show, beyond relating really hard to the main character, is that it's a really nice fantasy of living as an openly autistic person; living in a world where people won't openly hassle you about it! well, not as often, anyway. she still got called an idiot and treated with disrespect. but she got to be herself. people had to accept her, because the script wasn't meant to be a tragedy.

it was nice to pretend that this is reality for a moment, which is really saying something, because autistic acceptance is still trash in their world.

so i liked it. that's about it. thanks for reading if you got this far. sorry i didn't capitalize words and made it harder to read, but i didn't expect a word count of whatever this is. tumblr ate my spacing so i had to add dots instead. deal with it. i deal with you

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what the hell the english spellcheck doesn't know what english means

EXTRAORDINARY ATTORNEY WOO (2022) dir. Yoo In Shik

[ghostietea]

Furuba autistic headcanons

With it being April, or autism acceptance month, I wanted to finally drop my list of characters from Fruits Basket that I read as autistic! This is based a lot on my own experience, as well as that of other autistics I know or have seen talk online. I hope some people can get something out of it, feel free to tell me what you think 😊, though please refrain from getting upset that I would dare suggest your fave is autistic.

Hanajima

Before becoming able to better control her powers, she would be constantly overwhelmed by the things she heard to the point that she couldn't even really go out in public. This reads a lot like sensory overload.

Constantly picked on in school because other kids thought she was weird. Eventually reclaimed this weirdness and turned it into a whole persona.

Seems to talk usually in a relatively flat tone.

Had trouble socializing with no friends outside her family until middleschool.

Has a very funny, dry sense of humor that I find very similar to a bunch of autistics I know, including myself.

Hatsuharu

Listen. You have seen the funky little man, you have seen the way he talks, the way he acts around others. He is, and I mean this in the best way, a weirdo. I do not know how you could look at him and see a neurotypical.

Once again, like Hana, Haru is funny in a way that feels very autistic.

Very flat, dry, tone delivery. Sometimes just Says Things that make everyone else go huh??? Suuuuper blunt. Doesn't emote facially a lot of the time.

When this man sees a social norm he doesn't get he WILL NOT follow it. Pierces his ears just because his hair got flak, defends Momiji wearing whatever he wants because sometimes y'know the social rules are just dumb and don't make sense. Especially dress codes.

Sometimes says things not befitting the current tone of the situation.

Represses (masks) a lot of his emotions, leading to outbursts that seem uncharacteristic.

His main childhood trauma revolves around adults branding him as "dumb" and ridiculing him. Haru, however, is super smart and wise!! Just in an offbeat way that not everyone may get.

Machi

Reads as very "flat" emotionally to the point that others would call her boring. Also has a flat vocal delivery.

Relies on specific habits or ways of doing things or else she gets super upset (her hatred of imperfection.

Has trauma surrounding adults completely misconstruing her intentions and thinking she's doing something malicious when she's not.

Generally behaves in a way that's hard for others to understand, one of her formative moments with Yuki was him saying he wanted to "see how the world looks" through her eyes.

Once again, trouble socializing.

Tries super hard to please her parents but in the end they still see her as somehow inherently "defective."

Listen. A lot of this one and the last two are mostly vibes, hard to verbally define. You just have to look at them and trust me.

Tohru

Displays behavior very reminiscent of masking throughout the story, a huge part of her arc is about how she hides a lot of herself and has a very controlled persona. I think it would fit very well if she had other autistic behaviors that she suppresed also it helps explain why she is relatively socially adept, it's learned behavior to make people like her more.

Yes she is very good at saying what others need to hear, but especially early on she is pretty blatantly imitating her mother's words. She only gets better at getting through on a more personal level later on (see her with Rin and Akito v. early series Tohru). She does this by relating her own experiences, a very autistic way of showing empathy that often gets us written off as self centered. The way she relays things her mom said could also be seen as this, and she even worries at a few points that she's being insensitive for going on about things like that.

While emotionally repressed she is hyper empathetic and feels other's emotions so strongly she cries.

Her speech patterns are all imitated from her father and she often copies verbal things from others (see Ritchan-san). Noted in canon that people think her way of speaking is slightly off/not befitting of someone her age. Additionally, her father was polite more sarcastically, while she plays it straight and sometimes takes things very literally or fails to get the message, indicating trouble with reading tone. Has numerous strange verbal tics, including saying parts of her internal monologue out loud without context.

Very expressive with her hands including waving them around and flapping them up and down.

Does have a bit of trouble with accidental insensitivity in social interactions, like how she constantly fixates on her mom and realizes that might bug the Sohma.

Has trouble paying attention in school since it doesn't have much to do with her interests

Her only friend until she was a middle schooler was her mom

Has a pretty unique outlook on things compared to others, people seem to think she's pretty eccentric. There's always a "this girl is nice but in an odd way, she's our weirdo and we love her" vibe.

Sometimes has an "inappropriate" emotional response to situations

Has a lot of trouble with change, similar to Akito. Which oh, look at the time, next hc coming up.

But first, a disclaimer. It is cathartic for me to read Akito this way, but with that reading comes the baggage that she would, mayhaps, be showing a more negative side of things... It doesn't bother me since it's a joint hc with other characters and she does develop at the end but yeah, general villain hc baggage. This is in no way me trying to excuse her being The Worst being autistic doesn't absolve you of being able to do wrong . Also, a lot of these points can and do have other explanations related to her upbringing, but things can be for more than 1 reason. With that said, she really strongly comes off as autistic to me, in a way that's sorta hard to explain. I wrote a lot more for her than the other, both because I felt I needed more to convince people and that this headcanon was more sensitive and I needed to be careful in my explanation. Also hey! She's my special interest within a special interest.

Akito

Shown to have a dislike of summer weather due to heat and brightness, could be due to sensory issues in tandem with sickness things. Also covers her ears when people raise their voice sometimes which is partially her trying to shut down opposition but also 🤔 can read a different way. She'd also avoids louder Juuni like Ritsu and Ayame because she can't handle them.

Wears pretty much the same outfit every single day. Said outfit is also pretty loose fitting.

Always seen sitting in a pretty unconventional way. Evidence:

Of course this is also the isolated in a cult thing and there is a level of her purposefully doing things to intimidate but: doesn't follow a lot of social rules (overly touchy with strangers, legit doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong, ect.). Repeatedly confused when people indicate she should act otherwise without explanation. Has a breakdown when this comes to a head and approximately says that "they" shouldn't expect her to know "common sense" if "they" never explained it to her, that the way that she was was her "common sense."

Often talks in a way uncharacteristic of her age when shown as a child in a more faux mature/pretentious way. Might just be the translation and idk how to explain it but her speech as an adult also seems off from what one would normally use in conversation. Additionally, when she tries to fake being friendly in her intro chapter, it comes of as extremely stiff and unconvincing.

Generally displays behavior that could be thought of as childish as an adult, but a lot of this behavior could also read as autistic (covering ears, emotional deregulation and meltdowns, ignorance of basic social norms, ect.). It's also important to note that she knows that this behavior makes her seem younger and more helpless to the older zodiac and uses it as a manipulation tactic. Has issues regarding people treating her like a child or only hanging out with her because of pity. While she does weaponize it, we can tell that this grates on her, as seen with her finally blowing up on Kureno, which is partially triggered by the maids saying some sorta infantalizing stuff about her. Irl, a lot of autistic adults and teens struggle with being infantalized for our behavior generally or treated as little babies that can do no wrong. Even in fandom, you see people doing stuff like jumping to call autistic adult characters, such as Entrapta from Shera, "minor coded." It is also common for us to have at least one bad experience with someone hanging around us out of pity. This is something that really gave me a similar feeling in Akito's arc. She's not a baby and she can understand and do better if she is given the chance to learn and break from all the freaky cult indoctrination she's been subjected to instead of just being constantly enabled. In the end, a lot of her growth is represented by her showing that she is capable of changing and being independent.

Shows particular difficulty with socialization, often sits by herself spacing out at social events. A lot of her fear is rooted in the fact that she doesn't know how normal relationships work, becoming overly reliant on the curse because she doesn't know how to make friends.

Clings desperately onto the notion of being "special" and in some way superior to others to be worthy and to make up for perceived inherent "flaws." It's the nd gifted kid burnout vibes for me.

Easily bothered by things that don't bother others. Feels emotions very strongly to the point of getting physically ill and has bad emotional regulation.

Relatively good at reading others in an analytical sense (though has more trouble when it comes to seeing how they feel about her since she's wildly delusional) but brings up her observations in a very cold, detached way and hurts people even on the rare occasion she didn't mean to. Has extreme trouble connecting to others and understanding their point of view. This makes her come off as pretty unempathetic even though that might not fully be the case. Also thinks that people like Momiji are trying to look down on her when they try to empathize with her. A lot of why Tohru can get through to her is that she manages to convince Akito that she's not condescending by relating shared traits and experiences. As I said earlier, autistics often empathize by sharing their own experiences with someone, and I know I often have an easier time confiding in other autistics because of a fear of being seen as lesser by those that don't understand me. I think the connection between these charachters and the way that Tohru manages to reach Akito like that while others couldn't makes a lot of sense through an autistic lense!

Additionally, when Akito herself gets around to trying to help others instead of just projecting trauma, she tries to reach out to the old maid by relating back to her own experiences. This however, doesn't work.

Has "cold" emotional reactions sometimes even to things that do make her upset. For example, how sort of calm and detached she acted after her father's death can make her seem uncaring. However, we know that this event did mess her up a lot and she is still (poorly) dealing with a lot of grief from the death of her father years later.

Copies mannerisms from others, the most blatant example is with Ren, who she directly parrots lines from as a child to Yuki.

Partly just her posturing, but gestures a lot with her hands when she talks. Also seen several times clutching her hands in her hair.

Deals extremely poorly with the idea of things changing to the point that it is a driving force of the story.

Does not understand when people tease her.

Ect. Ect. Ect. Listen, I could go on for ages but just trust me, the mean gremlin lady is autistic.

[cure-icy-writes]

ace attorney neurodivergent headcanons

because the bsd ones seemed to go over well, and folks find them validating, here goes! under the cut, because this got long:

-Phoenix 100% has ADHD and i will die on this hill 

-he excels at unconventional methods of thinking, and has some issues with impulse control. 

-he’s not great at concentrating for long periods of time, hence his struggles learning about law the traditional way. he was struggling as an art student in college until mia took him under her wing and said “sweetie. you think law is about rules? if the prosecutor isn’t gnashing his teeth you’re doing it wrong. Come, my child, let me show you how to bluff.”

-This right here? One of his lifelong stims. he used to crease paper weirdly when he was bored, making rolls and cones with the surface, and he always turned in his assignments looking like they’d been through an origami factory and come out wrong. He damaged a lot of books that way because he’d play with the pages while reading, and as an adult had to force himself to adjust that habit to be less destructive.

-He has some issues with coordination, which got better in time but never fully went away, and that combined with emotional dysregulation makes him a very expressive speaker. He talks with his hands and has accidentally hit people with them more times than he can count. mia has been smacked by a stray objection once or twice, but they never talk about it 

-He never got his drivers license because he’d get overwhelmed (sensory overload plus yelling instructor plus navigation plus mortal danger) and didn’t exactly cope with it well. He never caused any accidents, just pulled over to the side of the road with a blank expression and walking into a coffee shop to dissociate in a stall for half an hour. the car was still running, and the instructor was not exactly pleased.

-the man ran across a burning bridge. he is absolutely consequence blind and makes problems for Future Phoenix to deal with.

-Maya! her autism went unnoticed for two reasons: one, she’s a girl, and two, she lives in the mountains and gets her body hijacked by dead people. any other eccentricities fall by the wayside after that

-echolalia! she tends to repeat a lot of things that phoenix says, just because she likes the sound of it

-special interest in the steel samurai: self explanatory

-has trouble with sarcasm and tone: often phoenix can’t tell if she’s joking or not when she says something, and in the incident with the fire hose, she can’t read tone either

-while she comes off as childish, she’s deeply introspective and offers wisdom at unexpected moments

-she grew up with that fun kind of trauma that makes you feel like a burden to everyone around you because you’re different in a way that you can’t explain and maybe it’s just an excuse, which she mostly hides because she hates burdening other people with her personal issues. but these insecurities come out full force in turnabout goodbyes.

-due to a combination of sensory issues and routines, she samefoods a LOT. it’s not particularly healthy, but she makes an effort to take vitamins and supplement her favorite foods sometimes. Also, she has every ramen place in town memorized plus whether their food is something she considers “safe”

-edgeworth is autistic but very repressed due to von karma’s influence

-seriously he masks heavily but has no real sense of self and has a crisis over that

-has a very strong sense of justice, which we see in fourth grade, and doesn’t care about his social standing so much as his values.

-forgets that not everyone will understand his distressing and probably intended-to-be-poetic goodbye note; ghosts phoenix for a year

-same special interest as maya, but hides it and gets defensive because he’s sick of autistic people being treated like children with no autonomy. that’s why he’s always tried to act mature for his age, even making comments about mia’s youth in a flashback when he was younger than her

-experiences the classic Gifted Kid Burnout after losing one time in his life and being forced to reconsider the very foundations of his worldview. not strictly an autism thing but often comorbid

-struggles to make eye contact in most of his sprites

-struggles to communicate his own emotions; he absolutely tries but the words never quite express how he really feels. unnecessary feelings indeed

[minibagel7]

hihiihhuiiiii hello I’ve been wondering if I’m autistic since mid august and I wake up solely to consume knowledge about autism and I think that in itself is a sign because I believe this is a hyperfixation and I looooove psychology sm I’d consider it a special interest. I’m just rambling sorry- onto the list!!! 🤭

• SPECIAL INTERESTS: I absolutely have special interests specifically in psychology, ANY form of art (drawing, painting, movies, music, ETC.), nature, animals, and colors I guess?? That’s a new one but they’ve always fascinated me.

• sensory issues: ah yes, throwing a fit and crying because my church dress was too itchy. “It’s made of cotton???” I DONT CARE MOTHER, THE STITCHES ARE P A I N F U L. Strong smells and tastes/textures immediately overwhelm me, like head aches, gagging, flappy hands, body wiggle, sometimes crying. I seem to hear things that other people don’t ahahahhahahaha- I literally hate that blazing ball in the sky that we call the sun 👹 some days it’s burning my eye balls the next it’s not bright enough idk it’s weird

• echoing: I’m literally a human mocking bird. If you said something a certain way or someone on TV did then I am going to repeat it. It’s an uncontrollable action 💀

• stimming: I can and will break into song at any given moment, mostly physically but mentally if I have to (like in class). I will shake my leg, rock back & forth, chew the inside of my cheeks, flap my hands, aggressively wiggle my body, kick, compliment people or things if I feel like it. Bouncing and spinning too <33

• hyperfixations: I’ve had like a billion of these and they vary with how long they last. Could be hours, days, weeks, months, and years if I’m lucky. I will consume every thing I can about it and sacrifice my sleep for it. I love buying merchandise like FUNKO POPS!!!!!!!!! I only have one but I’m trying to expand my collection.

• social interactions: ARE FUCKING EXHAUSTING. When I first learned what masking was I had an identity crisis realizing that I have no real sense of self because I’m just MIRRORING PEOPLE. ALL THE TIME!!!!!!! I’ve always felt like everyone was better at socializing, and that I “missed that class” as if it really is a class. In elementary school it was awful, I was so obsessed with mine and other people’s behavior, and I was very sensitive and judgmental. I started doing that because when I tried to be myself I got bad reactions, so masking was kinda like a safety blanket, a very unhealthy and depressing safety blanket. However, thanks to the internet and probably a cartoon, I realized it’s better be myself so I started doing that…but only with people I’m close with. Which is two people (not including family members), another autistic person and the “quiet kid”. I still mimic other people, but now I’m just very passive and quiet to hopefully avoid social interaction as much as I can.

• eye contact: I can maintain it…I guess. When I think about doing it, it’s either very excessive or just “yikes eye contact im gonna look at their hands, the wall, or literally anything but their eyes” ahahahwhhsha

• social rules: I’ve never really understood these but I thought I would get in trouble or something if I didn’t do them.

• development stuff: according to my mother, I hit all of my milestones on time but I was a very quiet baby and I knew how to self soothe since birth, idk if that has anything to with autism but yeah. I sucked my thumb and used sippy cups until I was like 8-9. Apparently I was the only one that liked Frozen after age 7. Anyways

• rules: I was a snitch in elementary and people did NOT like that. I told my mom about it and she explained to me that “there’s just some things you don’t tell on people for” and it stuck with me for the rest of my life. Now that I’m a teenager I have trouble accepting that I can’t be in control of my own life 👹 I lie a lot with is normally not on autistic trait but I do it out of fear of punishment…pretty sure that’s normal.

• executive functioning: my executive functioning skills are such ass that I literally can’t function EXCEPT ORGANIZATION. I LOOOOOVEEEEE organizing and will GLADLY take time out of my day to organize things. When my mom is waiting in line for groceries, I’m happily sorting out the candy and making sure it looks nice and goes where it belongs. Ironically, my room usually ends up as an absolute mess but I like cleaning it.

• I don’t always understand sarcasm, it has to be a phrase I’m used to or said with an extremely obvious tone otherwise I won’t get it…I think.

• repetitive noises make my want to tear my brain in half…LOL!!

• I remember when I finally started being myself and suddenly I was “too much” for everyone. I had low empathy, no filter, very blunt, and SOOOOO much stimming.

OKAY I think im done, I’ll lost more about it later.

[just-1other-nerd]

I'm not diagnosed (yet at least, I'm planning to be though). I've thought about being a (high functioning) autistic person ever since I got a very very vague impression of what that even is. But even though the signs were always there I pushed this thought away because I was a bullied kid and I didn't want "you're incurably weird" diagnosed. Later in life after having escaped the bullying for multiple years and starting to heal (aka now) I have acknowledged that even if it isn't autism I can't really change all of those off-putting things about me and my behaviour. And after fighting my imposter syndrome I came to the conclusion that I display several symptoms and that I should try getting a diagnosis because it is better to know your a polar bear in a rainforest than always thinking your a fucking weird brown bear, because if you know it, you and the people around you might just be able to adapt better.

So within the last two days I watched geek girl and I saw so much of myself in Harriet, being bullied for being different and because people are envious of my good grades, (the everyone hates Harriet scene was a personal attack,) the random facts, the correction tendencies even if it isn't the right moment to be a know-it-all (talking about the scene with Nat), the being so convinced of something being a good idea up until the first person you tell about/show it has a negative reaction and you go down a regret spiral (specifically talking about the spider costume thing because I had some violent flashbacks to when I showed up at my Grandma's on Easter in the 6th grade in what was basically a costume after my mum pointed out that it didn't fit the occasion but I was to stubborn and I still cringe at it to this day), the infodumping, the always seeming to say the wrong thing in the moment and later recognising what I did and regretting it, the weird impulses that I know on some level are a bad idea but I still follow them (like Harriet bringing the guitar to school), taking things a bit too literally, not knowing how to react when a bully is suddenly nice to you because they want something from you, enjoying learning, fidgeting with your fingers, disliking breaking the rules, her being like "who talks like that" when she uses smart/big words, the headphones, not picking up on social clues and so much more.

And I mean when I started I wasn't immediately like "she's autistic" I started with "I relate to her just like I do with every character that has been or is bullied" then it became "she's weird like me but also in different ways" and later I was like "she has some form of (social) anxiety disorder right?" and then when she was freaking out and Wilbur told her dad about it and that she might need more support and he was like "I thought it was a coping mechanism when her mum died" and Wilbur answering "It might be a little more than that" I realised she's got autism and everything she did from there on just confirmed that theory. Also that scene was so good because her dad said he didn't want her to be defined by a lable (at first I thought he meant a fashion lable) meaning he knows she's neurodivergent but doesn't want that to define her and to be honest that's a thing that I was afraid of when I first had thoughts about being autistic and that's what my mum is scared of now that I told her I want a diagnosis someday but I think knowing might be better for me personally than not knowing.

Let's just say Harriet doing certain things that I know from my own experience wouldn't play out well was hard to watch but it was worth it.

Some more notes on the show: I love her parents as characters but Harriet's takeaway being "you don't believe I can do it, you don't trust in my skills", when they her stepmum said that she doesn't want her to model shows that she felt like this for a while now, like nobody trusts her. The reasons she had for saying that in the scene is very valid but the communication was lacking, because how should Harriet know that it's not that? But Harriet immediately assuming the worst possible personal attack towards her is what really gets me but her stepmum found exactly the right words to apologise. When Harriet said she's not sure how not the be herself was also so relatable.

Geek Girl just hits different when you grew up undiagnosed autistic and got bullied for it

Like oooh I see parts of myself in such a kind and caring light and it feels cathartic it feels healing