#shes like at the top of her game. somehow. at 32 when shes been racing for like 10 years now AND is somehow like? still outperforming herse

[coelura]

forgot i cant put video in reblogs but she's insane for this separation

[anarchist-caravan]

(My) TOP Discovered Albums of the year 2019 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Here again, for the fourth year in a row! Ready to go through the list of discovered music that I have found this year. It has been quite a long year. The thing that is different from the other years is that I have felt a little bit more stressed about the list. I don’ t know why. Just is. And that is a good judgement of what my year has been about. Stress. Angst. Hardships. Fatigue. And Surprises.

I always think I won’t be able to find any new music each year. But I am always mistaken. Thousands of albums down the road. And ain’t that the best thing. Amidst the times. 

And thus, a lot of the music I found this year, that has been put on this list is of the more chill side. Not anything too harsh. Just.... a stream of consciousness.

As Usual, Albums I have encountered throughout the year are listed below -with only the last five in a true top order:

40.

Mad Doctor X - Picnic with the Greys (1997)

A picnic we should all attend, -don’t forget the Oui’d!

39.

Tomb Mold ‎– Planetary Clairvoyance (2019)

Dang, that’s death metal done well.

38.

Moor Mother - Analog Fluids Of Sonic Black Holes (2019)

Self-explanatory. 

37.

Darzamat - In the Opium of Black Veil (1999)

Good AF black metal. 

36.

karl sanders - saurian meditation (2004)

Darker than you think. Hypnosis.

35.

The Dolphin Brothers - Catch the Fall (1987)

Richard Barbieri and Steve Jansen plays wonderous synth-pop akin to something... I cannot remember right now. But they are good nonetheless. 

34.

Reiko Kudo - Rice Field Silently Riping In The Night (2019) 

(Dis)harmonious multi-instrumental live-recording’easque music with singing and (soft) noise. 

33.

Michael Stearns - M'Ocean

Michael Stearns makes the most chill music in the universe. Except for maybe that one U.F.O. trip album that can be chill in the scary cold sense. 

32.

Henryk Górecki - Kleines Requiem-Lerchenmusik

Classical album of the year. Górecki always delivers. 

31.

VOIGHT KAMPFF - MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN (2012)

Fast techno-trash metal band. 

30.

Sopor Aeternus & The Ensemble Of Shadows - Death And Flamingos (2019)

Sopor Aeternus & The Ensemble Of Shadows is a band that will always have a special space in my heart. Their music got me through the most part of high school. The dark ambivalent songs. Yet, never forgetting the ironic twinkle in the eye. 

29.

Earl Slick - Zig Zag (2003)

That edge of the seat feel of rock; next stage to come, just: SLICK.

28.

Kooba Tercu - Kharrub (2019)

You will be grateful I rec’d this jammin’ piece of fast jumping action of absurdity and happiness. :)

27. 

Red Snapper - Making Bones (1998) 

Trip Hop Album of The year. Seeing to what trip-hop releases there were around the time of this album’s release, I am so fucking surprised I had never heard of these before. They are just as brilliant as the all too famous Portishead, if not with an upper edge in a lot of cases. 

26.

Supercar - Three Out Changes!! (1998)

Shoegaze of the year. Lovely. CHILL. Summer evening breathe’

25.

Anna Domino - East & West (1984)

Timeless synth-pop with rich textures of dreamy lyrics that ensnares you into a downtempo that.... goes up.

24.

Troy Gregory - XAVIERA (2018) 

Monumental Prog.

23.

shit & shine - bad vibes (2018)

It is What it Says. Yeah I am on Acid’

22.

Datarock ‎- Face The Brutality (2018) 

Norwegian indie masters. I love Datarock very, very much. I’ve listened to them since the 2007 release Red and I don’t know a band with as much coercive pop in each track. This album was a surprise find, since I was convinced they were out of the loop.

21.

HIZAKI grace project  - Curse Of Virgo (2008)   

Symphonic Metal. Hizaki is a master of the guitar. Such Riffs. If you need to drain your brain to metal and feel energized but still mesmerized, this is it. 

20.

Institut Für Feinmotorik ‎- Abgegriffen (2011)

Coolest Experimental Band of the year. Go check them out on youtube. The making of the music here is truly an Experience.

19.

Deafkids ‎- Metaprogramação (2019)

D-beat, Raw Punk, Downtempo ... band from Volta Redonda, Rio De Janeiro - Brazil. NOISE.

18.

 WipEout Omega Collection OST (2017)

The wipeout games are and will forever be my favorite way of anti-gravity racing. The music to Wipeout Omega Collection is as stellar as ever, a great list of electro and techno musicians. 

17.

Hammer Bros. - Police Story (1997) 

Imagine being at an underground hardcore noise rave party in 1997. Imagine the beat blasts. The speed. The energy. Just the grinding shouts, the beat, and you. Ready to dive. BURN. WATER. REPEAT.

16.

AFCGT ‎– Square Microphone Tapes 

Noise rock galore. Glory. Wonderful. Gnarly. Intelligent. Different. Moody.

15.

Future Of The Left ‎– Human Death (2013)

Great leftist lyrics. Another one of RIk’s rec’s. Just Awesome. Good Music. Hate on capitalism and its endless bringer of deaths. 

14.

Molchat Doma* ‎– Etazhi (2018)

Youtube rec of the year. Darkwave energies en masse!

13.

3.2 - The Rules Have Changed  (2018)

The follow up to the infamous To The Power Of Three album from 1986 by Emerson, Lake and Berry. The first record was hated on by many, but I love it. And this very late follow up is a huge accomplishment and honoring to the late people involved. A record my dad would have liked. I just love prog music. Sigh. 

12.

Saori Kobayashi - Terra Magica (2016)

Ethereal Game Music is not easy to make. Yet somehow, Saori manages it. No wonder really. She was behind Panzer Dragoon. Masterpiece album for what a tribute it is.

“Terra Magica is a love letter from Saori Kobayashi to her fans. Featuring the same rich, melodic tones that defined the iconic soundtracks of Panzer Dragoon Saga and Panzer Dragoon Orta, Kobayashi invites listeners to enter the world she has created, while encouraging them to create their very own story to match the progression of the music.“

11.

ENTROPY CREATED CONSCIOUSNESS - Impressions of the Morning Star (2018)

Symphonic Doom Metal of the year

10.

Sleaford Mods - Divide and Exit (2014)

Rec of the year by @planetsedge​ - Rik has served several discs on this list this year.

9.

Mobile Suit Z Gundam BGM Collection (Vol.1 - Vol.3)  (1985)

The title track to this animé, sung by Mami Ayukawa, and its subsequent soundtrack is probably one of the best I have heard. 80′s animé has the best soundtracks, mostly. 

8.

K2 - Iron Kulture 7' (1996)

Noise artist of the year.

7.

Klaus Dinger + Japandorf (2013)

Surprise find of the year in the sense of knowing the artist in other bands (NEU! and Kraftwerk) but totally missing this somehow. Late late find. Total love. Electronic mists will seep into your ears listening to this. 

6.

Beak - >>>

Pop-like krautrock. Laid back, but with thought behind it. Allé Sauvage is my fave track. Just the perfect amount of mystery and rhythm and synths. First list find of the year. 

5.

The Muffs - Alert Today Alive Tomorrow

20 years ago The Muffs released this album, and I wish... the years had been kinder. This album helped me a lot though when I found it. A lot of nostalgia will arise listening to this. 

Damned if you feel alright ~

4.

BIG STICK - LP (2019)

EARWORM OF THE YEAR!!! Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co ButterCalamari Co Co Butttttttttttttttteeeeerrrrr. 

In the bodega. 

3.

Jesca Hoop - Stonechild (2019)

Indie folk niceties. Chill, interesting blend of rock and singing elements. Not mystical, but still with mysteries. Got third place because I kept remembering it so much. It penetrated my skull. 

2. 

Doji Morita - A Boy (1977) 

This album was an early find and should be my album of the year. Morita’s voice is amongst the softest and kindest I have ever heard. And she has all the wonderful aesthetics to boot! Acoustics with accompanying strings and pianos in most of the tracks. It isn’t, because the N’1 is such an explosion of a surprise. 

The third track, ふるえているネ (One who is trembling) is my favorite. I do tremble at the very thoughts expressed in this track. The bird wings at the end... yeah. Every track on this album is a masterpiece. 

Music as pulling one’ s strings of the heart. That is what this album is about. 

I will keep it at that with the words. No more has to be said. Just listen, you will understand. 

1.

Kagami - Star Arts (2002)

Explosive, Happy, Creative, Constantly Changing Originality.

 Techno. Disco. TeSco.

Toshiyasu Kagami was a genius in his genre. I’ve heard a lot of techno mixes and textures in my life, but not anything like this before. 

Each track slaps you in the head and forces you to the rhythm, only for you to go.... HMMMMMMMMmmmMmmMmMMmmMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMM when the flow enters its synergies of musical delight. What else is there to say when your ears are filled with such pleasant sounds. Just when you think it won’t change up, it will change up. Impossible to predict. Dancefloor killer. Intelligent Mixes. 

No philosophical analysis, only my body moving to the most energetic beat EVER.

Concrete Masterpiece. My album of the year in 2019. 

[darkarfs]

This is gonna make so many horrible people unhappy. EVERY Takeover has had at least one match-of-the-year candidate on it. Some of the most emotional moments in that brand have come from cards that even aren't quite as good. I even considered not doing this list, because, by all accounts, NXT Takeover: Tampa isn't even going ahead. But then I thought, fuck it, let's celebrate, taken all together, for my taste, the best wrestling product in the history of mankind. It's not just moves; it's emotional investment, sharply-focused, character-based storytelling, intricately-performed spectactle from the greatest physical specimens ever to lace their boots. It FINALLY legitimized Western women's wrestling in the mainstream (Michelle McCool, Trish, Molly, Mickie, Jazz, Victoria, you all were stunning performers in your own right, but you and your kind were, until NXT, only given 3 minutes: the longest women's match IN HISTORY, until 'Mania 32, was Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James at Wrestlemania 22, and it got 9 minutes.), it's got some of the greatest tag wrestling ever seen on ANY brand, it's created the longest-drawn storytelling ever, it's the best of the indies, the best of the WWE, wrapped up in a sequence of shows that were epic without being FIVE FUCKING HOURS LONG.

Where do I even start...?

Honorable mention: Takeover: R Evolution (I have to, because I've only got 10) Sami Zayn spends over a year, clawing and sweating and tearing walls down, just to get to the top of the mountain in NXT. He has the opportunity to cheat, but does it his OWN way, as beautiful, unique babyface Sami Zayn...before being no-scoped by his best friend, who debuted THAT NIGHT. The undercard isn't as strong, so I can't officially include it, but this payoff, this triumph, and this tragedy represents everything the first era of NXT was, and kickstarted it, truly, onto its first golden era. So, properly, then...

10. Takeover: Rival If you leave this list feeling like the title reigns, and thus, ERAS, of Zayn/Owens are a little under-represented by it, I completely understand. After all, so much good came from that time. American Alpha soldifying themselves as the dominant tag team, the Iron-Woman match between Sasha and Bayley, Becky Lynch putting all the pieces together, Enzo and Cass actually being GOOD...it was, still, at its heart, a developmental brand at that time. It had indie megastars, yes, but it also had the likes of Bull Dempsey. And that's not a dig at Bull Dempsey, it's just that those early Takeovers were an eclectic mix of skill levels, which is what NXT was at that time. It was a place to showcase these people. That said, some of these cards were truly *fantastic.* Case in point: Takeover: Rival. Not only was the undercard completely stacked (Hideo Itami vs. Tyler Breeze over-delivered; we had the first and still SOMEHOW ONLY Fatal 4-Way match between the Four Horsewomen; and Finn Balor vs. Neville was a solid match of the year candidate), but the main event was the first step in one of the most storied rivalries in the history of wrestling: Zayn vs. Owens. The video package is one of the best NXT ever did, and the match...was a masterpiece of simple-but unexpected booking. Zayn mistimes a leap to the outside, hits his head, and Owens responds by powerbombing him over...and over...and over again, until the ref stops the match. Zayn loses nothing, because he was never pinned, Owens is made to look even MORE the loathsome monster, and Zayn's title reign ends after just a month, without the champion nor the championship devalued in any way. It showed that NXT knew, even then, how to reward fans for their emotional investment.

9. Takeover: Portland Right now, NXT feels like it's approaching the very end of a special time in its life. Like it's on the verge of hitting critical mass. One of either Gargano or Ciampa probably leaving the company after the next Takeover, and the reign of the Undisputed Era seems to be crumbling, too. In yesteryear, this would indicate a raft of very important call-ups, neccessitating a shift in the roster and a period of calm centered around more patient character-building. NXT's existence now as a third brand throws that formula into uncertainty, but it definitely feels like they're ramping up to a finale, because goddamn, this is NXT almost at a point of self-parody. Every match is so. MUCH. Lee/Dijakovic is the pinnacle of HOT wrestling (and Lee, will you marry me?) Bianca Belair breaks out as an actual superstar...just as Charlotte decides to visit and to ruin everything, which is just dreadful timing. Gargano/Balor being everything we need it to be, and also Balor pinning Gargano with his fucking dick. And the Broserweights being VERY DUMB...but also VERY, VERY GOOD. The only thing that lets this card down...and this is obviously subjective...is that NXT has almost come TOO FAR, now, in its delivery on its main events, in that every kickout starts to beggar belief. On the level of Triple H/Undertaker at Wrestlemania 28, in that I still love it, but...hoo, it can be exhausting. Depends on how much Ring of Honor you like in your gumbo, I guess, but it feels like everyone on the roster is racing toward Tampa to explode, like a wrestling Crisis on Infinite Earths, and then MAYBE...things can calm down. Just a hair. Y'know, if Tampa even...still happens.

8. Takeover: Philadelphia If there's one man that's become synonymous with NXT, it's Johnny fucking Wrestling. You know, what would happen if a meerkat put on muscle mass and became the best set-piece wrestler this side of Daniel Bryan. We knew since he started his tag team with Tommaso Ciampa that he was an exceptional wrestler, but it wasn't until Philadelphia, and his INSANE match with Andrade "Cien" Almas, that we saw him as truly the industry's next star. It was the first Takeover match to go over 30 minutes (Sasha/Bayley at Respect went EXACTLY 30, don't @ me), it was the first NXT match to get 5 stars from Dave Meltzer (if that matters to you), and it set a new bar for Takeover main events. And while the undercard doesn't live up to it, it's still loaded with excellent matches. A.O.P. vs. the Undisputed Era is something special. Shayna Baszler makes her Takeover debut, and while she's nowhere near her prime, it cemented her immediately. Velveteen Dream and Kassius Ohno have a very fun match, and Aleister Black and Adam Cole have a ludcriously stupid no-holds-barred match, featuring two men doing with chairs what no one ought to do with chairs. But as good as all of that is, it's really a one match show, but what a match, and Ciampa ending it by being an utter bastard yet again.

7. Takeover: Brooklyn I Does the first Brooklyn Takeover feature Canadian Destroyers, 18 kick-outs and "fight forever" chants? It does not. Does it create moments of wrestling happiness that are rarely, if ever, replicated? It sure does. Firstly, Blue Pants appears and helps the Vaudevillains defeat Blake and Murphy. Seems quaint to look back on it, but it made everyone SO goddamn HAPPY that night. If you're forgetting, Leva Bates (that wrestling librarian in AEW right now) was once a comedy jobber in NXT, who wore Blue Pants. Adorable. Ignore what happened on the main roster (which is something you'll probably have to do with a lot of these shows, I imagine), but the Vaudevillains were once incredibly over (I promise!), and their win was one of several beam-inducing moments from this stellar night. Samoa Joe destroyed Baron Corbin at the height of his game, Apollo Crews debuted brilliantly (again, ignore what happens next!) and Balor and Owens' ladder match was also fantastic. Also, what's Jushin Thunder Liger doing here?? Wrestling like he's in his early 30s, that's goddamn what!! But of course, the reason we're all here is Sasha Banks vs. Bayley, and...there's still something in my eye. Anytime people want to rag on NXT for being "predictable," remind them that giving the people a moment they've genuinely prayed for...is a good thing. Bayley besting Sasha Banks at her prime just made us all...so happy. All of us. Everyone. When that curtain call took place, it was so earned. The narrative of women's wrestling dominated most of 2015, and this moment, this match, was the apex of that narrative.

6. Takeover: Chicago I And speaking of feelings...hello, Ciampa, you godless fuck. And so begins maybe the actual greatest rivalry in all of NXT. It is truly an odyessy, with twists, turns, injuries, betrayals, wounds torn open, and this is the nexus point. Well, the seeds had already sort of been planted, because Triple H knows what he's doing. Ciampa almost ALMOST turns on Gargano after their terrific match in the Cruiserweight Classic, only for the team to die another day...and what a death it was. After a great ladder match, the two stand atop the ramp, and you think "will it happen?" And the absolute bastards show you the copyright logo, just to make you think the show ends there, because it always does, seconds after that happens. You unclench, you breathe out, relax...Ciampa whispers "this is MY moment" and then...It is a perfectly engineered bait-and-switch, and exactly as vicious as it needs to be. Pats on the back, all 'round. This moment alone makes this a worthwhile Takeover, but there's also a hell of an undercard. The women's triple-threat (Ruby Riott vs. Asuka vs. Nikki Cross) is stellar, Bobby Roode and Hideo Itami have their respective best Takeover matches ever, and then there was Tyler Bate vs. Pete Dunne. An absolute show-stealer of a match, a star-making performance for both men (especially Dunne), it cemented the career of several men, and was a fully-formed GREAT show, as opposed to a good show in service to a storyline.

5. Takeover: Brooklyn IV Gargano and Ciampa's battle of brotherhood, betrayal and brainwashing was supposed to blow off at Takeover: New York, but because God hates necks, Tomato Champion was out of action, making this the final singles encounter to date, until Tampa (again, IF it even happens). This is the weakest of their 3 excellent encounters (which still makes it better than any match over SummerSlam weekend), but it also features Johnny Stupid running into a speaker, because his dumb ass can't seem to quit Ciampa. It's one of the greatest long-form feuds for a reason, mirroring Bret and Owen from 1993 into 1994, with all the repeated imagery, the callbacks, the nuances, the psychological cruelty. The street fight at Chicago II is MAYBE better, but this undercard, for me, is a lot stronger. It featured the Undisputed Era vs. Moustache Mountain, aka the Brothers Shithead vs. the Proud Circus Bear and His Beautiful Son. Velveteen Dream vs. EC3 was the closest NXT got to WWE-style storytelling and was still brilliant (remember when EC3 wrestled?), and HEY, wouldn't you know it, Kairi Sane was once a character with dimensions, as evidenced by an amazing match with Shayna Bazsler. But what makes this undercard truly stellar is Adam Cole vs. Ricochet. It is so nice to see Ricochet used well, etc., but I will still never stop pissing myself at Cole nailing him square in the jaw with a superkick WHILE HE'S MID-MOONSAULT UPSIDE-DOWN SWEET JESUS. Sometimes...sometimes...things fall exactly into place.

4. Takeover: WarGames (2018) The WarGames Takeovers are just so silly. It's a silly shoebox, filled with huge, silly men who only barely know why they're killing each other. It's as close as we ever get to WWE's now-terminal problem of "set aside whatever feuds you have right now, because it's Stipulation Month!" (see: Hell In a Cell, most Money In the Bank shows, though Elimination Chamber largely sidesteps this). The other Shoebox Takeovers are really good, no doubt, but this one stands head-and-shoulders above the rest. But there is not a bad match on this card. Kassius Ohno rides Matt Riddle's knee all the way to heaven; NXT shows why 2-out-of-3-falls is fast becoming its signature stipulation with the excellent blowoff between Sane/Baszler; Sexy Mindgames Prince had a star-making match against Tommaso Ciampa, showing why he may be the best overall character in NXT right now, and sweet lord, Aleister Black vs. Johnny Wrestling. It somehow showed that Gargano was JUST AS, if NOT MORE engaging as a dirtbag than as a good guy. And those Black Masses are presents just for me, a guy who tends to like more community theater in his wrestling than flips ("I ABSOLVE YOU...OF ALL YOUR SINS!"). And then we get to the Shoebox, and gosh it's silly! The Viking Experience, Ricochet and Pete Dunne take on the Undisputed Era, and...its a fucking LOT. 45 minutes of spots and smashing, with just a sprinkling of story, with Fish locking Dunne in his cage so he can't participate in the match. Since this seems to be what this match is designed for...let's rattle off some spots! Ricochet, jumping from one ring to the other! That amazing face-off that recreates the Captain America: Civil War poster! Perhaps the beefiest Tower of Doom in all of wrestling! And then Ricochet proving just how amazing he is...with the double moonsault off the top of the cage. What a stupid thing to do in an amazing, amazing show.

3. Takeover: Dallas I get it; a lot of people might not rank this Takeover quite so high. But it might be my actual personal favorite...? Overall...? More than any other Takeover, this show feels the most like it's filled with living, breathing superheroes. Many NXT stars are seen as just indie guys whose only gimmick is "I'm a very good wrestler," making them almost anti-WWE at the core. But NXT doesn't get enough credit for being, at its core, the best aspects of WWE. The showmanship, the things that elevate mere wrestlers to things like monsters, gods, and demons. I will always like my NXT WWE-style: the best wrestling cut with the most theater, the most camp. And Dallas is that concept, writ large. Baron Corbin coming out with lil' skulls on his shoulders. American Alpha finally becoming Super Saiyan Nerds. Asuka killing our hero, because Bayley is a person, and Asuka is a goddess who can perform brain surgery with her feet. Finn Balor coming out and going actual Texas Chainsaw Massacre on Samoa Joe. It's excellent wrestling, near-mythic visuals...and then we get to Nakamura/Zayn. The most special moment of a very special night. It is, from nearly every perspective, perfect. The hype of the crowd, salivating with anticipation. That moment when Nakamura appears in silhouette, and that violin note slides like a knife across steel, to reveal the man who set New Japan aflame. Sami Zayn getting the best possible swan song in a promotion built almost entirely on HIS back. The end of his era. That bit where they just KEEP PUNCHING ONE ANOTHER. I know it's not a perfect show (Balor/Joe stops for 3 minutes to address a cut on Joe's forehead, stalling its momentum; that Corbin/Ares match isn't as good as it could be) but that all means nothing. It's a sentimental choice, and I'd make it #1 if I could.

2. Takeover: New Orleans I went around and around in my head, and this one and #1 kept jockeying for position in my brain. But these top two Takeovers are literally note-perfect, from ship to shore, soup to nuts, top to tails. So if this is YOUR favorite? (Honestly, maybe 1 person I know who loves wrestling as much as I do will even see this mess). I'm here for you, and I understand. But this show has TWO 5-star matches from the Wrestling Observer, and I don't ever agree with that. In this case, I agree with BOTH, in the North American Championship ladder match, and the first (and so far, BEST) match in the Gargano/Ciampa feud. Everything. Is. Amazing. Shayna Bazsler became Women's Champion after BEAST-MODING her SHOULDER back INTO IT'S SOCKET to show that, YES, she gets pro-wrestling. Roderick Strong shocked the world (and the System) by joining the Undisputed Era and becoming the final Chaos Emerald needed to make that stable Super Sonic. Aleister Black took the championship from Andrade "Cien" Almas and SMILED, I fucking SAW IT! And it all depends on what you want from your wrestling, but Gargs/Tamps might actually be the best main event in Takeover history, at least from a storytelling standpoint. The crutch, the neckbrace. Each man going back to their DIY roots (the tag team - they didn't build another ring when that one broke), and then sitting side-by-side, like they did at the Cruiserweight Classic. Brothers. Completely spent. Destroyed. No one but each other. And then Ciampa shits any chance at redemption up the goddamn wall, cementing his own destruction. Every. Bit. Counts.

and #1...

Takeover: New York For a whole bunch of other wrestling fans, this has the greatest main event in Takeover history. But first, let's take a minute to appreciate how lucky we are, or were, that NXT exists. It justfies the existence of WWE, artistically, almost by itself. If this one's only slightly worse than New Orleans, it is argued, it's that the North American title ladder match was TOO good, and hurt every other match on the card. It has been argued. Not by me, but this one is somehow the most perfectly paced, perfectly sized wrestling card, on its own, ever. Every match, through alchemy or magic, manages to enthrall the crowd equally, and completely. The Viking Raiders vs. Grumpy Smaller Undertaker and the Human Pinball was off the hook incredible, and that warm "thank you" feeling has translated, currently to a man trapped in a room and a man trapped in Vince McMahon's scorn for smaller wrestlers, respectively. Matt Riddle and Velveteen Dream put on an absolute fantasy match, pitting the best of MMA vs. the best of WWE-style theatricality, and adds to the complete, demented character-world of this brand, and the fact that Dream WINS against one of the hottest new prospects is so deserved, and shows that he can, and will, shine forever brighter. Then AAAAGH WALTER vs. Pete Dunne! WALTER LAYS into poor Dunne, his chops alone having you believe that after the match, he's going to run into the arena's parking lot to FIGHT THE CARS. Then Shirai vs. Baszler vs. Sane vs. Belair and goddammit how do I even expound on that without crashing thesarus.com? And then Johnny Gargano and Adam Cole wrestled for. 40. MINUTES. With Gargano as the defacto heel because it was allegedly Cole's time. And by the match's end, he had the crowd more behind him than maybe they ever had been before. Is it a bit much? Yes. Too many kickouts? Probably. But it stands as the apex of Johnny Wrestling's journey. After everything had been taken from him: DIY, his health, his sanity, even his chance at revenge...the only thing he has left is the NXT Championship. And in that moment, he is invincible, he is more than enough.

What a show. What a host of shows.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

[megbox]

2019 Year in Review

Previous Posts: (2018) (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011) 

It’s actually kind of interesting how... less interesting these year-in-reviews get as I get older. Depending on how you look at it, 2019 was somewhat of an unremarkable year. I spent much of it tragically broke, I didn’t get the opportunity to do much traveling. But at the same time, not having these flashy, colourful experiences to write about all the time makes me value the easy, simple things more. It forces me to be a bit more reflective about how the day-to-day life I am carving out for myself teaches me things and about the person I am becoming. 

Far and away, the most positive thing to come out of 2019 has been that I am real deals social worker now. I have the best job in the entire world. I have “RSW” in my email signature and on my business cards. I do work that is meaningful to me every single day. There is so much to learn but I’m in the right place to be learning it. And I am really proud of myself for getting here ❤️

January 

Unlike the last few years, 2019 began on a high note. The millisecond that student loan hit my direct deposit, I took a little trip to Jasper to visit my friend Oliver who was teaching snowboarding at Marmot Basin for the season. I braved some very treacherous roads to make it to Jasper. It took me nearly eight hours. Highway 93 was closed so I had to take the long route and basically white-knuckled it the whole way. But it was so worth it. I found myself later that evening in a dorm room full of young Scandinavian people, downing American Vintage iced teas and feeling like I was at a frat party. We went to this club called Four Peaks and they played Rasputin by Boney M and everyone went crazy. I hooked up with this gorgeous Danish ski instructor named Rasmus. He was so beautiful. I am proud of that one, honestly. Oliver and I went skiing and hiking and we went to Earl’s and he tried a Caeser. By the end of the weekend, I think we maybe ran out of things to talk about. But it was really cool to see him and to hear about the last few years of his life and how excited he was to move to New Zealand to be with his girlfriend (whom he met on the same trip where he and I met, in Hawaii!)

On January 14, I started my second practicum. It was a sad transition. My time at CommunityWise had been so great that anything new was going to pale in comparison but my new placement was especially bad. It was so slow there. My computer hadn’t been updated in years and I didn’t have access to anything for weeks. My supervisor was barely around (not her fault, though. She was finishing her MSW, had two young children, was the team lead for both family centres in the city and had two practicum students to supervise. Girl was busy). I remember one morning while I was helping one of the caseworkers with some menial task like organizing the food pantry, and I was just so frustrated, I kind of asked her point-blank, “Is this practicum meant to be more self-directed?” and I just started crying as I asked it. I kind of… whimpered it. It was awkward but from that point on, they made way more of an effort to give me tasks and engage me in the work that was being done there. Lesson learned: you get what you ask for.

February  The first weekend of February is what we would call a “power weekend.” Looking back on these actions now, I cringe. However, at the time, I was pretty stoked. I slept with a friend from podcast club after a house party. For ease, I will refer to him as W. W had asked me out twice prior to this happening. I actually said yes, and we had plans to get drinks, but his best friend ended up going through a breakup the night before and he cancelled last minute. So then we slept together. Drunkenly. And it wasn’t… good. I chalked it up to the drunkenness. We went out on a real date, I made sure to have like one glass of wine maximum. He was lovely and great company and he taught me how to play crib but… you know that feeling when you’re like god, I wish I was enjoying this but I am just not enjoying this. It was like that all night. And it felt heavy. If I am being completely honest, there was also this strange moment that night where I had the thought, “he kind of looks like my grandfather if he were younger” and there is truly no recovering from that kind of realization.

February was also a terrible month because I had no days off. I will go to my grave angry about being required to work for free in my practicums. I was doing 32+ unpaid hours at this boring practicum and then working evenings and weekends at Famoso whenever I could. And Famoso was dead, so I wasn’t even making good money. This was also where I began to start witnessing things in my practicum that started to fuck with me. At first, I thought I was just having trouble sleeping. But over time in seminar and debriefs with my social work friends who were going through the same thing I realized that it was the oh-so-pleasant combination of vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue. 

Over the reading week, I went to Fernie with Maddy and her friends for a ski/party weekend and that was truly awesome. One of those weekends where your ribs ache for days once you’re back because you laughed so hard. Some highlights: 

It snowed 60cm the night before we skied. It was powder up to your waist. 

• Maddy’s friend Melissa liked our bartender at the hostel. She took his phone and texted herself from it so he would have her number and vice versa. Then she got so drunk that later the same evening, she was looking at the text and forgot that she had sent it to herself so she texted back, “Who is this?” Also LOL #Bryna. 

• I took nudes of Maddy in the hostel shower to send to the guy she was seeing at the time. LOL. What are friends for? 

• Maddy and I met this set of twins who are the definition of gym bros. Identical twins. We ended up hooking up with them. At the same time. In our bunk bed at the hostel. We high fived. I later fell off the top bunk. We gave them a beer for the road when they left. All year long, we send one another their Instagram posts and stories whenever it’s them flexing in the gym mirror and just laugh about, “we really slept with those guys.” 

March 

In March, I got the flu. It was very annoying. I had to miss practicum (meaning I’d have to make up the hours somehow later). I stated binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. 

I ended things with W. It was kind of harsh but it needed to be done. I need to stop breaking up with people in the weeks prior to my birthday because we had a total Dave-Simard-2.0 situation where W told me he had purchased a birthday present for me and he still wanted to give it to me.

I also ran the St. Patrick’s Day Road Race again!!! Good times as always. 

Practicum got much better in March. I had many things to do. I got to design the curriculum for and facilitate a six-week girl’s group. I assisted with the planning and running of a series of community tax clinics which was cool. Except the guy from the agency whose project it was is a creep. He kept telling me all of these stories that were incredibly inappropriate given the fact that we knew each other only in a professional sense. He made many comments about women’s bodies and appearances that were gross. And I got left in some pretty unsafe situations all by myself. AND he made me pay out of pocket for snacks for one of the tax clinics and never reimbursed me for that. I kind of forgot about that until just now. Wow. 

April 

April was a big month! 

I went to Portland for my birthday weekend with Matt and Connor. When I think back to this trip, it was lovely, but mostly what I remember is a lot of beer, a lot of rain, and being hungover. Portland is a really cool city. I wasn’t totally expecting to be confronted with as much homelessness and substance use as I was but, that’s my privilege talking. Some highlights from the trip include: 

• The “Flower in the Kettle” IPA I had. 

• The mascarpone, corn and lobster agnolotti I had for my birthday dinner at A Cena. Recommended to me by a trusted friend I worked with at Famoso. So rich. SO FUCKING GOOD. 

• Meeting this really drunk real estate agent at a dive bar and convincing her that Matt and Connor were both my boyfriends. I still have her business card in my wallet. I am unsure why. 

• The Weezer concert was honestly awesome. 

• Matt actually trying out the guyliner. 

• Meeting some random guy when I went to get gum at a corner store. His name was Dan. He was old. His girlfriend had kicked him out and he was just walking around. He’d been in prison for a lot of his life. We had a good chat. I got his phone number and now we have each other on Facebook. 

• In the airport on the way home, Matt and I were so overtired that absolutely everything was hilarious. The gif game (the gif of Kevin from The Office dropping the bucket of chili. “Me in Thailand”), and the beginning of when I got let in to the “KEVIN!!!!” joke. I had tears in my eyes. 

• Connor yelled at me in a pizza restauraunt LOL (sorry Connor. I know you Ctrl+F your name. But this was memorable to me.) 

In the middle of April, I FINISHED MY PRACTICUM HOURS AND EFFECTIVELY GOT MY DEGREE. I cannot describe to you how good it felt to be driving home from one of those tax clinics after my third twelve-hour day (making up practicum hours is fun) knowing I never had to go back. Knowing that soon enough, I’d get to work on all the same cool projects but actually get paid for my time.

We visited Saskatoon for Easter, which would turn out to be the last time I got to see my Baba. She was very ill, and both of us knew that it would likely be the last time, so I did get to say my goodbyes. It was very difficult and I sobbed for a lot of the ride home. It’s a weird feeling, when someone you love has been so ill for so long, and you begin to see their condition really deteriorate. When the idea of life without that person starts to become a reality. There was almost an… acceptance? It sounds so callous to say and it’s way more complex than this but also somewhat of a relief in the finality of it. I don’t know. It was a lot. 

April was also when I started interviewing for social work jobs. I had two interviews. The first one was at CCASA, essentially for what I thought was my dream job. I have never psyched myself out so hard for anything in my life. I thought about that interview and that interview alone for weeks. I studied harder than I have for any test ever. When the time came for the interview, I was so nervous. I became this meek and mild version of myself. It was honestly devastating. But of course, had I gotten that job, I would never have interviewed at the University of Calgary. My boss-to-be called me for a pre-interview while I was on shift at Famoso. It was busy, too. But I just said fuck it and ducked into the back and talked to her on the phone for twenty minutes. She invited me for an interview a week later where I had to give a five-minute presentation on managing stress as a student. Rock on. 

May 

On May 1, I got offered THE JOB AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALGARY! It was truly one of the happiest moments of my life. There is nothing more satisfying and exciting than actually attaining something you’ve been dreaming of for so long. It was for a one year contract on a maternity leave coverage, facilitating community trainings around suicide prevention, helping skills, all that good stuff. I was going to be on salary. I was going to have benefits. I WAS GOING TO BE ABLE TO WALK TO WORK AND HAVE A REAL CAREER THAT I WOULD BE PROUD OF AND EXCITED ABOUT.

I hung up the phone after accepting the job, texted all the requisite people about the good news, and then immediately drove to Famoso to quit. My boss at Famoso was angry with me because I did not give two weeks notice. I said I would work out the rest of my scheduled shifts. He was a jerk, he yelled at me in frustration saying, “You work here for five fucking years, we accommodate every trip, every vacation, every practicum and you don’t even have the courtesy to give me two weeks notice?!” It wasn’t a big deal though. He was just being an asshole. And hey, Steve, you’re still an asshole!

So my last day serving tables at Famoso Westhills was May 3, 2019. I’m usually not good with goodbyes but it was the easiest thing in the world to just walk out of there at the end of the night knowing I would never be back. I had ten days until I started my actual job at the University (a bit of an oversight on my part because I had ~no money~ so what the fuck was I going to do with ten days).

My grandmother passed away on May 19, 2019. Back to Saskatoon on May 28 for the funeral. It was really fucking sad and really fucking weird to see all of my cousins crying. My grandma also had a big Catholic funeral and none of us are particularly religious and as the direct relatives of the deceased we were at the front of the church and it was really obvious none of us had any idea when to kneel vs. stand and didn’t know any of the words or tunes to the songs.

On a happier note, my brother was accepted into medical school in May. Not that I ever doubted my brother would be a successful person, but this just really solidified it. Dr. MacKay.

June 

June was rather uneventful. I was honestly so cripplingly broke at this point, and it was so long before I actually saw a full salaried paycheck. I had to borrow money from my parents just to like, function. And pay my bills. It was embarrassing. But I was working full time and learning so many cool things about the job that it made it alright.

I walked the stage on the first week of June and accepted my BSW degree. I didn’t want to go but it was actually a pretty awesome and happy occasion.

The other big thing that happened in June is that Maddy moved to Australia. It sucks that I only met Maddy in the summer of 2018. She is so awesome and we became so close so quickly. I genuinely love her so much and spending time with her is so easy and fun, it was really sad when she left knowing that it was highly possible she may never return or at least not for several YEARS.

July 

By July, my new job was in full swing. I was facilitating trainings every other day (so much public speaking experience!), I was sitting on a committee, every day was new and challenging and exciting. 

My dad had a giant party for his 60th birthday, with some friends even coming from Saskatoon. They rented a limousine that took us to the Black Diamond hotel because apparently my parents have some kind of significance there. I did a shot with my grandfather? We played pool and Big Buck hunter? None of my friends came but all of my brother’s friends came and I honestly think that it turned the tables in terms of who my parents’ favourites are in terms of friends. 

I also had an awesome weekend at Folk Festival mostly with Kendal and Lachlan but also featuring guest appearances from Chad and Gillian. Podcast club pals. There is just nothing better than folk festival, honestly. Food trucks and music in the sun and drinking sangria from a flask and admiring everyone’s cool outfits and getting a tan and listening to concerts all day. I had a nap in the middle of the afternoon on Sunday and it was like the most glorious 45 minutes of my entire year. 

August 

Oh, no. August. I was still cripplingly broke (it takes a long time to catch up to a point where your entire paycheck is not just going to paying back things you’ve borrowed) and I made the utterly stupid decision to go to a music festival. 

Big Valley Jamboree, baby. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the best weekend that I am never ever doing again. Some highlights: 

• Mere minutes after arriving, I watched a man vomit. 

• The “Tony Keith” joke really took off. Lucas and I were so #inone on the Friday night we kept yelling and trying to start chants (“old man graphics!” is my personal favourite in response to Toby Keith’s random, pro-military Americana concert graphics).

• I gave my phone to somebody and then wandered off in search of this stupid boy’s campsite. I got very, very lost. The BVJ campground is a large place. I had no idea where I was going and was literally just stumbling through the dark and the mud. I ended up in the middle of some middle-aged Newfoundlanders’ campsite. They welcomed me. They offered me and sandwich and several beers. We chatted for like an hour. It was the best. I walked for SO LONG and finally found my own campsite. But we’re talking literally hours of walking around blind and disoriented. There were a few moments when I genuinely thought I was going to have to wait until the sun came up. 

• A few less-than-classy moments in porta potties. 

• The HANGOVERS. Jesus lord. I couldn’t survive. 

• Airwaves guy was great and I also had a really good buffalo chicken poutine thing that I remember fondly. 

In happier and much more professional news, I facilitated my first Community Helpers training in August. I was very nervous. Like, stay up all night the night before nervous. And we had some technical difficulties with setting up. But my coworker / work BFF Jeannie was there and she was a great support to me. She ran and got me a coffee and a banana bread because I hadn’t eaten and was so so stressed. And she encouraged me through the whole thing. It went really really well. I almost choked up at the end while thanking the participants for coming and explaining how it was my first training and they were such a great group to do it with. 

The squad was all super broke so we turned to free activities. It was very wholesome. We spent many afternoons and evenings reading in Prince’s Island Park with snacks. We went to Shakespeare in the park. We went hiking. 

A lot of my friends moved away in August. Such is life when your friends are all academics or have bright futures that are not confined to the Calgary city limits. Sydney moved to Victoria to start her PhD and we had a nice day at Elbow Falls eating berries and then having dinner with my family. Adam and Kendal both moved to Ottawa to start a fancy new government job and an MSW degree, respectively. I am really really proud of all of my friends but I miss them, too. Calgary is not the same without these people. 

On the flip side – a new roommate moved in! Maddie left to move to Red Deer to be with Joel and so our new roommate was a French exchange student named Aurore. She arrived and was shocked to see that none of the advertised furniture was in her room except for one limp mattress. Karla and I hadn’t even known she was coming because my landlord sucks, but we helped her get her things together and then ordered her some Skip the Dishes. She was exhausted. And sweet. And was starting a block week MBA class the next day in her second language. I felt for her. 

September 

In September, the inklings of me moving into a different role at the university were planted. My boss called me in to her office one afternoon and shut the door. I was terrified but she said to me, “you’re not in trouble. Actually, just the opposite.” She brought up the recent vacancies in the job I now hold (lol: spoilers) and said, “Just think about it. I just want you to know that there would be no hard feelings if you chose to apply for the role.” I was flattered but also caught off guard. I did not think I was qualified for the job. I had virtually no client experience in either of my practicums. I wasn’t even registered with the ACSW at this point. And I loved my old job and my health promotion coworkers so so much. But also… I was on a twelve month contract. And the person away on leave was definitely coming back. I was “strongly encouraged” to get registered with the college. 

It was honestly such a mess. They gently nudged me towards applying for the role, I was torn. Then they told me it probably wouldn’t work because I wasn’t yet registered with the ACSW, and even if I did register would still only be provisional. I felt an odd sense of relief at that, and had totally psyched myself out of being able to do the job at that point. At the last minute, I was told “just submit an application to keep our options open.” I did so. I got an interview. I interviewed (and it was SO fucking stressful…. Interviewing with people you already work with is 10x worse than interviewing with strangers. I tell ya.). And… I got the job!!! Not only did I get the job, I got a full-time, permanent contract (there were two positions, one full-time and one on a longer contract. I was told from the beginning I would just be applying for the longer contract but I ended up getting the FULL TIME ONE.) It was a HUGE boost to my confidence and again, one of the happiest days of the year.  

September was also just absolutely insane for work. So many orientation presentations, students reaching out wanting to get involved, starting all of the volunteer programs, planning. I was so, so, so SO FREAKING TIRED. But we did lots of fun things. Like we took Aurore and her friend Cecile to Banff, had them try Caesers and Beaver Tails and all kinds of Canadian things. 

October 

On my last day in my old role, my coworkers decorated my desk with a homemade banner and got me desserts. We went to McDonald’s for a feast and sat in the Hub and made jokes. It felt really special and I was really touched. 

On October 7, I started my new-but-also-kind-of-the-same job. I was very nervous and there was a lot to learn right from the get go. And it was so… strange. I HAD MY OWN OFFICE. WITH MY NAME ON THE DOOR AND EVERYTHING. The imposter syndrome hit me like a tsunami. I was extremely stressed, extremely overwhelmed. But my teammates and my boss are great. They understand I’m new not just to the role but to the field. They were (and are) so kind and patient with me and answer all of my questions. 

For Thanksgiving, we went to Banff. We had beers and did a little bowling at High Rollers and then went to the Rimrock for dinner. It was very nice. A few weeks later, I hosted my own friendsgiving dinner and roasted a turkey! And spent all day decorating my parents’ house and the table to look fancy. Everything turned out really really well. I was super stoked. Note to self: throw more dinner parties. 

November: 

What I recall from November is just… stress. The case management / social worker life came at me real hard, real fast. I had to call CFS for the first time. My client did not want me to. It was hard. I did not cope well. My coping strategy was to fuck off to Lake Louise (?) for a weekend in a hostel and drink two bottles of wine with some random sorority girls from Chicago. And tears.

The cooking phase was in full swing at this point. Eggs benedict, soft pretzels, curry, French onion soup, gnocchi, prosciutto apple blue cheese chicken, apple and chai galettes.

The third week of November was also when I decided to start training for the half marathon. I found a plan online and set out to follow it and honestly, it’s been great. I usually don’t stick to exercise routines for longer than a month because I tend to go too hard, too fast and I overdo it and I let one hungover day derail me. But this plan wasn’t focused on distance but rather time spent running. So rather than, “I have to run 5km” today it’s, “I have to run for 45 minutes today.” I thought I’d hate that but I actually really like it. It encourages me to go a little slower and just run out the clock, at whatever pace. And the speed is building gradually, and naturally.

December: 

Aaaand December!

December has been so much marathon training. Today, I am entering my seventh week of consistent running and exercise. That is a badass accomplishment for me. I am very pleased. I even managed to do my runs in Saskatoon on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Aurore left back to Paris. She had a birthday party at the house with all of her international friends and we went for sushi and looked at Christmas lights in the rich people neighborhoods before she returned home. She ended up being so wonderful. I will miss her.

I went to Radium for a weekend with Kennedy, Matt, Amanda, and their friend Katie. The takeaways from this experience are: I am excited to get to spend more time with Kennedy and Amanda and to become better friends with them, I think I like smoking weed now, and skiing is the best.

2020: 

To be completely honest, my life is pretty good. I sometimes wish I had somebody to share it with, and that’s something I hope to be a little better about in 2020 is putting myself out there in more of a meaningful way. 

I also am super excited to continue down this path with my career and to develop personally and professionally as a social worker. There is truly so much to learn and I’m really motivated and excited right now to do well at this which is an awesome feeling. I do need to work on not taking my work home with me so much, about separating the social work life from the personal life. Setting boundaries and all that good stuff. 

I’m hopefully going to run my first half marathon in 2020. May 31. The countdown is on. Excited to cross that item off the bucket list and experience the rush of crossing the finish line! That endorphin high is going to be insane. 

And I want to keep developing my cooking skills. Though they may be small, they are mighty. I want to try and learn how to make fresh pasta dough. LOL. Simple goals. 

Anyways... thank you 2019 for all you have brought me and taught me. I am grateful for the life I get to the live and the experiences I get to have. And I’m super stoked to see where 2020 takes me. 

<3 

[spectraspecs-writes]

Taris - Chapter 31

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 30. Chapter 32.

Right when we step out of the apartment, a Twi’lek runs up to me. “You there – human. You are the rider who won the Great Swoop Race in the Lower City, yes?”

“That’s me,” I say.

“I have a message from Canderous Ordo,” the Twi’lek says, “He says to meet him in the cantina.”

“That’s the Mandalorian!” I say, “He works for Davik, right?”

“Yes, that's the one. Given his connections, you can see why it would be wise to attend this meeting,” he says, “Canderous didn't say why he wanted to meet you. He only said he had an offer you couldn't refuse. Given his connections, you can see why it would be foolish to ignore his request.”

“Okay, I’ll go see him,” I say.

“A wise choice, human. I would advise you not to wait too long. Mandalorians are known for many things, but patience is not one of them.” And the Twi’lek walks off.

“I should hope this meeting won’t get in the way of getting off this planet,” Bastila says in a disapproving tone.

“Quite the contrary,” I say, “Somehow, I just know Canderous is the key to getting off this planet. Somehow.”

“I suppose I’ll have to trust you then,” Bastila says. My, aren’t we pleasant.

It’s hard to miss a Mandalorian in the middle of a cantina, even when he isn’t wearing armor. “I saw you in the swoop race,” Canderous says when I walk up to him. Not even a hello. “Very impressive. You seem like you know how to get results. That’s just the kind of person I'm looking for.”

“For what?” I ask.

“My name's Canderous Ordo.” Yes, I know. “I work for Davik Kang and the Exchange.” I know that, too. “The hours aren't great, but they promised me a fortune to work for them and I have nothing better to do.” That, I didn’t know. “Mandalorian mercs like me are in high demand. But lately Davik hasn't been paying me what he promised. I don't like getting cheated, so I figure it's time for me to break the Sith quarantine and get off this backwater planet.”

“And how do you plan to do that?” I ask. Maybe when he goes, he can take us with him. Drop us off on some planet with a Jedi presence, or no Sith presence. Whichever comes first.

“I've got a plan to escape Taris,” he says, “but I can't do it alone. I need someone I know can get the job done to help me. That's where you come in.”

“Rena, you don't need to ally yourself with this… person,” Bastila says with obvious distaste, “We should move on while we can.”

“I ain't talking to you,” Canderous shoots at Bastila, “I'm talking to your friend, aren't I?”

Then he turns back to me. “I saw you win that swoop race, and I started thinking. Anyone crazy enough to race like that is probably crazy enough to break into the Sith military base.” Well, I hadn’t exactly considered it. “I need someone to steal the Sith launch codes from the base. Without those codes any ship leaving the atmosphere will be disintegrated by the Sith fleet's automated defense guns.”

“And why exactly should I risk my life for this?” I ask him. (I can see Mission mimic my body language behind me. Don’t we look an intimidating pair - a 30-year-old human and a 14-year-old Twi’lek both looking up at a Mandalorian at least twice my age acting like we have the leverage in this situation.)

“Here's the deal,” Canderous says, “You bring me those launch codes and I can provide the vehicle to get off the planet – Davik's flagship, the Ebon Hawk!”

“Hey, I’ve heard about the Ebon Hawk,” Mission says, “I heard that ship was fast enough to break the Sith blockade!”

“You heard right,” Canderous says (and it sounds to me like he has a soft spot for Mission. If he’s been on Taris for as long as he says then he’s doubtless heard of Mission. Maybe he’s impressed with her reputation), “But she’s not fast enough to avoid getting shot at by the Sith guns. That’s why I need the launch codes from the base.”

“Hang on,” I say, “How am I supposed to get into the base in the first place?”

“Getting in won't be easy,” he says, “The Sith base is protected by an encrypted security system. It would take a top-of-the-line astromech droid to slice through it. Lucky for you I know just the place to get a droid like that. Davik was having one custom built by Janice Nall. Just tell her Canderous sent you and she'll sell you the droid. Then you can use it to get the launch codes from the Sith base.”

Droid? I’m in! “Oh, that shiny little T3 unit!” I say, probably showing more excitement than I should be, but what can I say? Droids excite me. “But why don’t you do this yourself?”

“Normally I would,” he says, “but everyone knows who I work for. If I broke into the Sith base, they'd send an army down on Davik's estate to get those codes back. That's why I need you.”

That’s fair. But see, I knew Canderous would be the key to getting off Taris. I just didn’t know how. And I was right. “Okay, Canderous,” I say, “you’ve got a deal.”

Bastila sort of narrows her eyes at him for a moment. “I don't sense any deception from him, which is surprising. It would seem you were right, Rena. This may be exactly what we need.”

“Glad to hear it,” Canderous says, “I'm going to wait in Javyar's cantina. You come find me when you've got those launch codes and I'll make sure we both get off this rock.” And he walks past me and out the door.

“We should go pick up that droid,” Bastila says.

“Not yet,” I say, “I want to get some dueling in.”

“I hardly think this is the proper time for that,” Bastila says indignantly, “What purpose would dueling now serve?”

“Well, for one thing it would get me more money to be able to afford that droid,” I say, “Unless you don’t want to get off this planet.” But she backs off.

“Alright!” Mission says excitedly, “I’ve been looking forward to seeing this - watching someone duel Marl.”

When I walk up to Ajuur that’s exactly who he says I’m fighting, and he send me right into the ring.

“Ladies and gentlemen, draw your eyes to the center ring! We have a very special presentation in store for you:

“He's a legend in the sport, a twenty-year veteran who still knows how to show the young kids a trick or two. Let's have a big hand for... Marl!

“But there's always some young gun coming up to knock the veterans off... and we've got one of the best right here! I give you, the Mysterious Stranger!”

Marl is a melee fighter, just like I am, and even though he’s old, he can still pack a punch. But with Brejik’s melee shield on, I can still hold my own against him.

But there’s something with his eyes. They look a little glassy. I don’t know - whatever it is, he hits hard but not too accurate. And he misses me a lot. So all I have to do it… dodge, I guess. Dodge and hit back. And I take him down.

“It's over! The fight is over! The Mysterious Stranger has won!

“Marl is down, and questions abound! Is this the end for the long-time vet? Is it time for Marl to hang up his spurs? And what of the Mysterious Stranger? Twitch is waiting in the wings... do you dare take a shot at the champion himself? Will the wild-eyed wonder finally be unseated?”

After I get my credits, I opt to go right back into the ring, take on Twitch the apparently crazed Rodian. “Ladies and gentlemen, draw your eyes to the center ring! We have a very special presentation in store for you:

“Hold on to your seats and stay back from the edges of the ring! He's wild, he's unpredictable, he's borderline psychotic... and he's the best damn duelist in the game today. Give it up for Twitch!

“But Twitch's opponent plans to take the champion down! Night after night, battle after battle we've watched this young phenom rise through the ranks... In this corner, the challenger for the title of Taris Dueling Champion – the Mysterious Stranger!”

Twitch uses blasters, and he’s good with them, but when I move close enough, he pulls out a sword, and he’s awful with it. Which works to my advantage - in almost no time he’s down because he wasn’t prepared to deal with my swords.

“It's over! The fight is over! The Mysterious Stranger has won!

“Twitch's reign of terror is over! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new champion – the Mysterious Stranger!”

When I walk up to Ajuur he seems a little disappointed. “Congratulations, Mysterious Stranger,” he says, “You're the new duel champion. Twitch had a good run, but you took him down! Here's the purse for beating Twitch. The bad news is that I don't have anyone left who wants to fight you – you're too good for your own good. Nobody wants to go in the ring with you.

“The only one left who'll fight you is Bendak Starkiller, but he's retired. Too bad. People would pay a fortune to see you fight Bendak.”

I have nothing more to say beyond taking my credits, so I just leave.

But on my way out, I see a man in full Mandalorian battle armor. And he stops me before I can leave. “Hey, the Mysterious Stranger, right?” he says, “I’m Bendak Starkiller. I've been watching you in the dueling ring. Not bad for an amateur. I'm tempted to come out of retirement and show you what it's like to do battle against a real champion. But I only fight in death matches, and not too many people are willing to step into the ring knowing they won't ever come out. How 'bout you, Stranger? You think you got what it takes?”

Bastila looks on with apprehension, but Mission looks excited. I give a little shrug. “You’re on, Bendak,” I say, “I’ve never fought a death match before, but I like my chances. Name the time and place.”

“Finally – fresh meat!” he says, “Ajuur will set it all up; go talk to him. It will take some time to arrange, so no point sticking around here until then. I'll be back when it's time for you to die!”

“Are you sure you want to get involved in this?” Bastila asks me.

“Are you kidding?” Mission says to her, “That kind of match would be legendary! Plus you could get the bounty on Bendak’s head!”

“Only if she survives!” Bastila says.

Mission looks at me. “You’ll survive. I just know it. Now, let’s go get that droid!”

[rambleonwithrosie]

150 Followers. Feel free to take this and use it yourself.

Okay so if you've been following me you know that at every milestone of 50 I go and answer 50 questions. So this time they're all gonna be Queen/Classic Rock specific and y'all are all welcome to take these and make asks out of them or reblog/copy with your own answers.

Favorite Queen member's solo album? Strange Frontier by Roger Taylor

Who of the band would you call to help you fix a flat tire? John, he's a dad and a diy guy, as much as I wanna say Rog I just don't want to deal with a drama queen when I'm having my own drama but I've seen him under the hood of a car so I've no doubt he probably knows how

What do you think Brian May smells like on am average day? Very woodsy, like pine needles and some light but expensive cologne

How would you kiss Freddie? On the cheek like a good friend I just can't get into his looks enough to think about kissing him any other way

How would you kiss John? Well if we're talking long haired fluffy John I'd probably psst at him to come around the corner and then give him a kiss and see what he does

How would you kiss Brian? Very carefully otherwise @squeezemylemon is gonna kill me so probably the sweet quick chaste type kiss

How would you kiss Roger? (My moment has come) I would walk up to him and grab ahold of one of the necklaces he wears and just pull his lips down to mine and crash mine onto his wrapping my arms around his neck kissing him for all I'm worth or less dramatically if we were just sitting on a couch or something I'd just lean my head up off his shoulder and press a gentler sort of kiss to his lips and see where he takes it after that

If you were going to date one of their kids who would it be? Felix, I'm partial to brunettes usually (Roger and Luke Skywalker are my exceptions) and he seems pretty cool and has done a lot of different things which would be interesting to talk about

Favorite gif of your least favorite band member?

10. Most recent Queen photo on your phone

11. Favorite piece of fanart?

I can't pick just one. I also don't remember where I found these and if you know the artist I'll happily tag them in the most. The artbis most definitely NOT mine

This is mine

12. Queen song that makes you want to cry? Love of My Life

13. Which band member would you pick to keep an eye on you at a party so you don't get too crazy and make it home safe? Brian probably, I would say John but I feel if he's drinking he'd be less than no help

14. Who's flat would you ask to crash at? I have reasons to want to say Roger's but banging aside I'd probably pick Freddie he was generous and funny and would probably do his beat to cheer me up from whatever circumstance had made me not have a place of my own to stay

15. Who would you want to teach you to play an instrument they play? Well I genuinely feel I'm best suited for drums so I'm not just saying Roger because he's my dude. Plus he could teach me the most instruments anyways considering as he knows drums, bass, electric, and keyboard.

16. If you could spend a day with Freddie what would you do? I'd just want to sit and have tea and talk and maybe go shopping later hear his advice and crack some jokes

17. Favorite solo song by a Queen band member? As far as written by goes, it's probably Let's Get Crazy or Happiness by Rog bit overall it's gotta be Rog's version of Racing in the Street *chills*

18. Favorite live performance?

19. Whose singing voice do you like best? Roger Taylor (nothing against Fresh he's amazing)

20. Whose speaking voice do you like best? Again Roger Meddows Taylor for the win

21. Write a snippet where you're holding hands with your least favorite band member.

Freddie had never been to an amusement park before, hadn't wanted to go really, but John had begged him to come along and then left him with Aston to babysit while he dealt with his actual children. It wasn't that she had anything against Fred it's just him tagging along on her elbow was keeping her away from the drummer whose attention she wanted. They got onto one of the rides and she saw how pale Freddie was looking and felt sorry for him. It wasn't his fault that he was being a third wheel or that the drummer was off on one of the more dangerous rides that Freddie was not about to get on.

"You can hold my hand if you want" Aston joked looking over at Fred.

"Really?" He asked a little relieved. The two of them chuckled and to Aston's surprise Freddie's black nail polished fingertips interlaced through hers and he looked a little more at ease for the comfort of human contact.

"It'll be fine" she grinned and then the ride took off and the black fingernails damn near dug into her hand in panic.

22. Write a snippet where you're fighting with your favorite band member.

They had been living together for just over two months and despite not knowing how to boil an egg Roger somehow found a way to get into the kitchen and put things in the wrong spot. He came home from the stall.

"Where is the paprika?" She leveled at him before he had scarcely shut the door.

"The what?"

"Paprika, Rog, the spice that I was going to use for the supper I was cooking us, but I can't ever find anything in this kitchen" Aston said muttering as an afterthought "thanks to you."

"What was that?" Rog said coming over to her and looking darkly with his blue eyes.

"Just tell me where you put the paprika and we'll be fine" she sighed.

"I didn't fucking touch anything in your stupid kitchen" he glowered going to the liquor cabinet.

"Well I still can't find it" she huffed.

"Not my problem" he said swigging straight from the bottle.

"Well if you want dinner it kind of is" she retorted.

"I'll get something out" Rog said dispassionately.

"Fuck you" she muttered and went back to banging through the cabinets in search of the missing spice. She was on her knees with half her body in a lower shelf looking in the back and growing hotter for Roger showing no signs of caring or helping. She smelt the dish starting to burn on the stove and tried to crawl out, raising her head up and whacking it on the shelf above. She let out a round of oaths.

She went over to the stove and moved it off the heat halfway between tears and screaming.

"I'll order something" Roger said standing up.

"I can fucking cook!" She shouted "if only I could find the things I need when I need them."

"Well don't yell at me about it" Roger said and brushed past and out the door.

Aston collapsed onto the floor sitting with her back to the cabinets and started crying. She sobbed into the kitchen towel. So much for her cosy dinner at home with Rog. She was so distraught that she didn't hear the door open and close. She felt her fingers clutching the towel pried open and looked to see a bottle of paprika put into them. She turned her teary red eyes up to Roger's face. He pulled her to her feet and held her in his arms. Softly stroking her hair and planting a gentle kiss to her cheeks.

"Come on, I got us reservations, you can cook your thing tomorrow if you still want to" he looked down at her smiling and put a kiss to her nose and grinned at her in his arms.

23. Favorite picture of Brian

24. Favorite picture Roger

(Well it's one of many favs)

25. Favorite picture of Freddie

26. Favorite picture of John

27. Best song to slow dance to? One Year of Love

28. Best song to make out to? I'm In Love with My Car

29. Best song to drive to? Breakthru or Don't Stop Me Now

30. Best song to strip to? Tear It Up

31. What era of the band would you like to hang out with most? I wanna say mid to late 70s. I'd rather not have to hang out with them during Hot Space 😂

32. Favorite song on your favorite album? Rock It (Prime Jive)

33. Least liked song on your favorite album? Probably Play the Game

34. Who would you want to take care of you if you were sick? I feel Brian would be the most knowledgeable but I'd probably prefer Fred just cutting up and maybe grabbing the aspirins and whatever else was needed. I just don't feel Brian would be funny enough to cheer me up. And Rog I just don't know how good he'd be at taking care of someone

35. Who would you want to go driving with? Roger. Duh! So many reasons!

36. Who would you pick to spend a lazy (non-sexual) afternoon with? Well not that I'm just into Rog for the sex, he'd still be my first pick because laughs. But second would be Brian.

37. Rate how thirsty you are for each band member? Freddie 0/10. John variable between 0/10-6/10. Brian 2/10-4/10(red special is factored into Brian). Roger 1000/10 (cars aren't factored into Rog otherwise I'd break my phone adding zeros to that 1000)

38. Least favorite Roger song? Sheer Heart Attack

39. Favorite Brian song? Sail Away Sweet Sister or Dragon Attack

40. Least favorite Freddie song? Body Language and Get Down Make Love

41. Favorite John song? One Year of Love or If You Can't Beat Them

42. Are you excited for the Bohemian Rhapsody movie? Yes. Not insanely. But moderately excited yes

43. Is Queen your favorite band of all time? No. They're in my top 3 but The Moody Blues were my childhood and are so unique and very special to me

44. If you married your crush from the band where would you go on your honeymoon? The beach. Hopefully the Pacific Ocean. Probably some nice private beach just to have space with each other and I love water and he loves boating and stuff.

45. Who has the nicest butt? While I prefer Rog's ass I must admit John possesses the superior booty

46. Who has the best smile? Roger. Hands down and not just because he's my main man all around it's literally made of sunshine

47. Who would you go to if you were scared? Roger. I don't get scared so if I did I'd want someone around to make me laugh my fears away

48. If you were going to be in a crime fighting/super hero duo with one of the band, who would it be? John. He's sound and sensible and so long as he can handle my forceful personality and not write any DISpatches raking my bad behavior and rash decisions we'll get along

49. Do you listen to Queen daily, or at least multiple times a week? Yes especially if you include their solo works

50. Have you written any Queen fanfiction or made any fanart? Yes. Fanfiction galore. Some has yet to be posted but when I do it will be on @drummerinthecupboard

[hellas-himself]

Where There Are Shadows pt 32

so. two things. 

I am absolute Elriel trash. But I am also here for Elucien, but since this is Feyrhycien, we’re going with Elriel. 

I’m on and off with Nessian. I eat it up when I read fics on here, but when I read the books I remember how she treats everyone and it irks my soul. But I love her in my own way. 

So with that being said, happy hump day. 

.

.

.

-Feyre-

 Elain was a giggling mess as I buttoned up the back of her dress. It was perhaps as Night Court as I would ever see my sister. It was similar to the dress I’d worn the night Rhys and I had invited Lucien to dinner at the House all those months ago, except hers was not backless and wherever there was skin exposed, she’d had it altered to at least a sheer panel of fabric which somehow made it that more alluring.

“You might just give Azriel a heart attack,” I said when I finished and we stared at her reflection in the mirror.

“If he didn’t pass out yesterday, I think he’ll be fine,” she said as she began to fret over her hair. “You’d think they’d announce themselves when they arrive.”

I snorted. Elain and I had been up on the patio sunbathing yesterday morning and when I realized all three males had finally come back from the Steppes, we’d run inside in our towels. Rhys could not have been happier, but Az…

“I can’t believe you walked right up to him and said hello before disappearing into your room.”

“It’s not like he was going to!”

I helped her pin some of her hair back.

“Elain Archeron, where is your modesty!”

She laughed.

“I must have lost it outside in the garden.”

“Maybe Az found it and has it in his pocket.”

“I’ll have to ask him for it, then.”

Gods, this ease in which Elain and I could talk to one another… We had never had this. I hated that Nesta was missing out on it. On seeing Elain break free of her shell and doing things solely because they made her happy, not because they were expected of her. And my goal was to give Elain a night she would never forget.  

All eyes were on Elain when we made it downstairs, Cassian whistling as she walked by. Amren was quick to come admire the gold bracelet inlaid with pink stones while Rhys showered us both with compliments. Varian raised his glass at her from where he sat.

When we sat down, Cassian was kind enough to bring us some wine.

“Shame Az isn’t here for dinner,” Cas said with a sigh, making Rhys roll his eyes.

“Feyre and I are going out today,” Elain declared. I noticed that she searched the room but did not find who she was looking for. If she was disappointed she didn’t say anything.

“You’re all dressed up like that and you’re not even having dinner with us?” Cassian asked, genuinely surprised. Elain blushed.

“No,” I said. Cassian looked disappointed.

“But you and Rhys could walk us to where we’re going,” Elain kindly offered to which Cassian happily accepted. 

.

“Have you ever been here before?” Rhys asked, looking at Elain as she shook her head.

Cas had his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him.

“I’ve never been here before either,” he whispered.

“Mor suggested it,” I replied and he sighed.

“That explains it.”

I poked his side as we approached the two fae standing before a set of double doors. Arm in arm, Rhys led Elain inside, Cas and I following. The owner of the venue greeted us personally before guiding us upstairs to the private area I had requested.

“Feyre!” Elain exclaimed, letting go of Rhys to pull me away from Cas. She led me to a painting that hung on the wall.

“So that’s where Mor put it,” I muttered, feeling my face get warm. It was a painting of Velaris from my point of view up at the House of Wind.  

“It is an honor to have your work here, my Lady,” the owner said.

“Thank you,” was all I could manage to say. Elain laughed at me for it.

Rhysand went to speak with the owner and soon, we were left to our own devices. We walked its gilded halls hand in hand, admiring the paintings and the chandeliers that hung from the ceiling. We’d had this once, even if I did not remember much of it. But what little good I’d had as a child, Elain was there.

“What are you smiling about?” she asked as I held out my hand to continue on.

“I like seeing you happy.”

The sound of music grew louder the closer we got to the doors at the end of the hall.

“It sounds like a ball,” Elain mused, her eyes sparkling with delight.

Cassian and Rhys did us the honors of opening the doors for us.

And it was better than I had imagined.

Standing beneath a canopy of flowers and fae light was Azriel, who looked as if he had just finished decorating the room. My sister gasped, eyes wide. There were two long tables covered in trays of food, and a table solely for drinks. The quartet played from the dais on the far end of the room which was as large as a ball room. It was just as grand as the rest of the building, boasting a large chandelier and floor to ceiling windows that gave us a beautiful view of Velaris.

“Feyre… What did you do?”

“I may have let slip that tonight was very important.”

Her eyes widened.

“Just go to him,” I whispered, giving her a gentle nudge. As she made her way over, a smile blossomed on Azriel’s face that was so devastatingly beautiful I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to capture it perfectly.

“What is all this?” she asked Azriel, bringing her hands to his chest as she admired the detail on his waist coat. He took her hands in his and kissed them.  

“Happy birthday,” he said softly.

Her laughter was melodious.  

“Azriel… It’s beautiful.”

Whatever he said to her was lost on me as everyone walked in, complimenting the room and how both Elain and Azriel were dressed.

“Am I the only one who didn’t know about this?”

Cassian wrapped an arm around me.

“Elain didn’t know.”

“I resent that.”

I leaned into him.

“You’ll forgive me.”

“Really?”

I nodded, watching Elain admire the flowers with Az. Mor looked in awe of the room and was chatting away with Amren while Varian approached them with drinks. Guests from all over arrived, those who had come to know Elain and wanted to share this night with us.

“I’ll be right back,” I said to Cas. “Rhys is looking a little lonely.”

Cassian laughed as I walked off to where Rhysand was standing, taking everything in.

“You pulled it off,” he said with a smile.

“With a lot of help.”

“You look exquisite, Feyre.”

I blushed. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”

His laughter warmed my heart. The way he looked at me never ceased to give me butterflies, to make me feel altogether vulnerable and safe. 

Elain danced with nearly everyone, even Rhysand. Those two did nothing but laugh the entire time, especially when they saw me watching. When Azriel swept her off her feet, quite literally, we all tried to pretend we weren’t watching them dance. But I had the feeling they saw no one else but each other.

As the party began to wind down, we found Cassian handing Elain a small glass. She eyed him with a determination that reminded me of Nesta, of me. And she drank the whole thing and held the glass out for more.

And so began their game.

They tried racing one another back to the townhouse, but that ended with Cassian slipping and Elain stopping to laugh at him. Cassian goaded the rest of us into his little game, until we were all drunk. When Elain beat Cas in finishing her drink, we all applauded. Az was watching her with a little smile on his face, not as drunk as the rest of us, but enough to not care that we saw him smiling as he looked at her.

When the time came for presents, she thanked us all individually as we passed them to her. A pair of earrings from Rhys, a set of gardening tools from Cas. Amren and Varian had given her flowers from the Summer Court to be sent to the greenhouse, which left her beaming.

The room went still as Elain opened Azriel’s gift.

“Azriel, this is too much.” She held up the little gold necklace by the blue stone that hung from it. Her eyes met his and then she was smiling as she rose to her feet. “Put it on for me.”

Azriel went to stand behind her, and the way his fingers brushed across her skin reminded me of how Rhys used to be with me, in the beginning. I wasn’t sure why I remembered the first time he’d helped me into fighting leathers but when I looked at Rhys, he was grinning like the insufferable prick that he was. I rolled my eyes, before looking away to find the Elain hugging Az, leaving him blushing.

And then came my gift.

“Just once, Elain. If you hate it, I’ll give you the back up present.”

“A back up present?” she asked, lifting the little top I’d had made for her. It was like every other Night Court outfit Rhys had ever given me, but hers was a deep blue, almost black. Little silver beads hung from the hem of the top. The pants had a silver chain that hung loose on the hips, both pant legs made of the sheer fabric I’d come to cherish in this summer heat. With a giggle, she took Cassian’s drink from his hand and finished it, excusing herself from the room.

When she walked back, I think we all held our breath. These clothes, they were made for a figure like hers. She was blushing as she went to sit between Cassian and Mor again. She’d never shown this much skin before, but I suppose after our little incident yesterday, this was nothing.

And then, Mor passed her a little pink bag, a bag I knew far too well thanks to Rhysand and Lucien. My sister peeked inside and turned red in the face.  

“I think I sent Az the matching set when we got here, but honestly, any of these three might have it on their dresser,” Mor said with a hiccup, pointing to Cassian and Rhys. “Whoever has it, make sure it makes its way to Azriel.”

But Az didn’t even seem bothered, even as we all laughed. If anything, there was a light in his eyes that I had never seen before.

“Az,” Elain said as she held up the scraps of lace long enough that I knew he was able to discern what they were, before she returned them to their bag. “I think I dropped my modesty outside in the garden. Feyre said you may have found it.”

The room went quiet as their eyes met and if this was how Rhys and I made everyone else feel, I almost felt bad.

“You left it on the desk in my office. I’d been waiting for you to come back so that I might return it,” he said so seriously that we all stared at him until he and Elain burst into laughter.

By the end of the night, Az was passed out on the sofa, Elain curled up beside him. Mor was snoring and Rhys was stuck beneath his cousin who had rested her head on his lap.

“I have to do one more thing, then I’ll come save you,” I whispered to him. He smiled, waving me off. He alone had helped me with this last part of the night. But he had felt his brother would not have accepted it from anyone else.

I had expected to find Cassian passed out on the bed, but he was wide awake, eyeing me from where he stood, tying up his hair.

“You finally get the room to yourself,” I said softly. He chuckled.

“He’ll wake up and come push me off.”

I walked in the room and made my way towards him. I knew I looked suspicious, especially with my hands behind my back.

“I doubt it.”

He raised a brow. “What are you up to?”

“Well, I discovered something I felt that the Lord Commander needed to know.”

His sudden seriousness nearly made me laugh.

“I need you to know, Cassian, that you are by far one of the greatest friends I’ve ever had. And I need you to know that I love you.”

I held out the little box to him. He looked too stunned for words.

“I can’t go back in time and grace your life with my presence every year,” I said, which finally made him laugh. “But I’m here now. And no one gets away with hiding their birthday from me. Ever.”

“Feyre…”

“I know it was a few days ago, but I hadn’t found anything that screamed your name at me.”

“It’s usually a female doing that,” he said as he took the box from my hand.

“Now you know why I never visit your house.”

We both laughed. He undid the ribbon and set the lid aside.

“What’s this?”

“I’m not sure if it fits, but we can fix that if it doesn’t.”

He held up the gold band, the obsidian stone glimmering in the fae light. It was simple, but there was something about it that told me he needed to have it.

“No one’s ever given me anything like this.” His voice was nearly a whisper. Was he going to cry?

“Try it on.”

He let me slide the ring on his finger. It fit perfectly.

“Thank you, Feyre. I don’t really know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know that it matters. That you matter. That every year that we get to have you in our lives, is something worth celebrating.”

I wasn’t expecting to see tears in his eyes. But there they were. I pulled him into a hug which made him laugh.

“I love you, Feyre.”

“I know,” I said with a laugh. “I love you, too.”

“I forgive you, by the way.”

I giggled. “Told you.”

By the time I went downstairs to get Rhys, he was already asleep. He didn’t stir until I’d managed to move Mor to the other side.

His eyes fell on me, red and glassy.

“There you are,” he said. “My salvation.”

Rhys got to his feet and chuckled when he almost lost his footing. Once he was ready to walk, I led him up the stairs, but he missed a step and pulled me down with him. We tried not to laugh, but then when I tried to stand up, Rhys pulled me to his lap. His kiss was greedy, and his wandering hands were going to get us in trouble.

“Rhys,” I whispered. “We can’t have sex on the stairs.”

“Why?” he asked as he kissed my neck.

“Everyone is here.” He stopped, and I felt this sudden panic down the bond.

“Not everyone,” he said quietly, looking at me with such sadness, I would have winnowed us right to the Day Court if I knew we’d make it there in one piece. “Lucien isn’t here.”

I kissed Rhysand with as much fervor as he’d kissed me.

“Lucien wouldn’t fuck you on the stairs in front of everyone. He’d wait till everyone was in their room.”

“He would,” Rhys said with a big smile as I pulled him to his feet.

“When he comes back home, we’ll have plenty of new stairwells you two can make use of. For now, we have the bed. Now walk.”

.

Being hungover was never enjoyable. It was even less so, walking into a small bar in the early hours of morning, wishing that I hadn’t made this arrangement. But I’d already walked out here and I had to get it over with.

Nesta was sitting in the back, as she always did. She looked as bad as I felt. And yet, her eyes still held nothing but resentment when she saw me approach. I knew I probably still had Rhys’ scent all over me, but Lucien’s too, as I was wearing his shirt that I’d found at the bottom of the drawer. And when she sniffed at me when I neared the table, I almost saw red. I would never judge her for the males I knew left her apartment, the one I could scent on her now. It was none of my business, as long as no one hurt her, just like who I slept with was none of her business. Even if her gaze told me exactly what she thought of that.

“I was beginning to think you’d make me walk to your house.”

I sat down, reaching into my pocket to hand her the folded note for the rent. There might have been surprise in her eyes as she took it.

“For this, you could have sent it with the courier.”

“For what? So you could send it back without even bothering to read it?”

I saw the anger in her eyes but I was too tired to let it unsettle me. I was hungry. And I wanted to go back home to be there when Elain woke up to find herself in Azriel’s arms on the sofa beneath the blanket Cassian had so kindly draped over them.

“I don’t see how that was any of your concern.”

“You missed her birthday.”

“I had no reason to be there.”

“You could have gone to the townhouse to see her.” I knew my voice was harsher than I had meant it to be. “You could have written a note. She misses you, Nesta.”

“Your little party was all anyone talked about last night, I’m sure that her evening was perfect without me.”

“You could not be more wrong.”

She glared at me for a time.

“Are we done?”

“No,” I said. “The house is almost finished. We’re inviting everyone over once we’re settled in. I want you to be there.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re my sister. What other reason do I need to want you around?”

She rose to her feet. She was wearing someone else’s shirt and a pair of pants that might have been mine once but it was stained with wine and Mother knew what else.

“Forgive me for not wanting to be subject to the judgement of your family.”

“You are my family, Nesta.”

“Yes. The way mother was.”

.

.

.

@readingismycopingmechanism @fuzdog @gently-say-aha @highladyofherondale @alxanxah @city-of-fae @myfeyrelady @nuggets-and-mouthwash @feysanddotacotar @daeniran @szatti1001 @rhysandshighlady

If you’d like to be tagged, let me know!!​

[brookhavenrisingrp]

THE BASICS

Full Name: Vivienne Collins

Aliases/Nicknames: Viv, Vi,

Age: 32

Birthday: November 4th

Sexuality: Pansexual, panromantic 

Species: Werewolf [Alpha]

Occupation: Sheriff

Alignment: Lawful Good

Affiliation/s: Her pack, her family,

BIOGRAPHY

Vivienne’s childhood had never truly been her own. Raised with the legends of her ancestors and the crushing expectations they inspired within the young Were, Vivienne found herself maturing at a pace much more rapidly than those of her peers. Instead of playing games with the Were cubs her age, Vivienne's days were filled with learning the ways of the Pack's democracy and duties. She was often found asleep on top of textbooks that should have been far above her level, or pushing her sparring ability until she was left covered in bruises and cuts. Vivienne did not seem to understand the concept of taking her time, as though she was in a constant race with herself and where she believed she should be.

Edward Collins, Vivienne’s grandfather, had fought through adversity to unite The Pack after years of mistrust and corruption from the hands of the previous alpha – Charles Campbell. Charles’ actions had caused great unrest within The Pack, resulting in the other Weres becoming distrusting of any authority and breaking off into their own factions. The Great Divide, as it came to be known, resulted in much in-fighting and countless lives lost. However, through the tireless dedication and sacrifices of Edward, they were finally able to trust again, and The Pack was united once more.  After Edward’s timely passing, Vivienne’s father took over responsibility for The Pack. Under his guidance, the Brookhaven Pack reached levels of prosperity never seen before. The Pack was able to gain a voice in the policies of the town which led to specific areas for The Pack to hunt and run free during the full moon. This new level of safety led to an abundance of litters being born, allowing for The Pack to significantly grow within its numbers. This further solidified The Pack’s trust in the Collin family’s leadership.

Years continued with The Pack succeeding under her father’s watchful eye, however, Vivienne began to feel restless. She had always known that one day The Pack would be put into her stewardship she had dedicated her entire life to it, doing everything she possibly could to be worthy of this duty. Despite this, she was waiting, waiting for the next phase of her life to begin. Feeling useless and also slightly morbid as she practically waited for her father to die, Vivienne decided to make use of her fine-tuned skills and turned to the police force at twenty-two. Vivienne considers this to be the best decision she ever made; her expertise and eagerness to learn caused her to take to policing like a duck takes to water. Additionally, her dedication for what was right and wrong made her extremely popular with some of the townsfolk and the vast majority were elated when she was elected as Sheriff when the previous one retired.

PRESENT

It’s been almost two years since Vivienne’s father passed away. Vivienne barely had a moment to shed a tear before she was thrust into the responsibility as the new Alpha. Suddenly in charge of a Pack of grieving Weres, Vivienne did not feel it was her time or place to mourn. This belief continued, and as everyone slowly began to move forward with their lives, Vivienne remained stuck, in some sort of limbo. Somehow, she had not fully considered that for her to become the Alpha, her father would have to be gone – forever. Now trying to mourn, lead a Pack, and maintain law and order in her town; Vivienne is beginning to feel she may have overextended her capabilities. It’s been almost two years since Vivienne Collins became the first female Alpha in over a century, and she feels like she is drowning.

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTORS

Vivienne is a difficult individual to miss; her piercing yellow eyes and unfaltering stature give her a distinct look which is easily recognisable in both her human and wolf form. Prioritising comfort over fashion, Vivienne can usually be found in one of her many plaid shirts and a pair of jeans with her Sheriff badge proudly strapped to her belt.

CHARACTERISTICS

+ Detail-orientated, Assertive, Decisive

- Critical, Intimidating, Defensive

STATS

Charisma: +3

Intelligence: +2

Athleticism: +2

Power: +3

CONNECTIONS

Beatrice Collins: Younger sister -  As a child, Vivienne didn’t give her younger sister much thought. This was not intentional, rather it was a regretful consequence of Vivienne’s single-mindedness. When Beatrice was born, Vivienne was already nine years old working towards what was expected of her, and so the young Were did not have the time to bond with her new sister. This almost colleague-like relationship continued into their adulthoods, the two of them seeming to have no time to develop or break old habits. However, recently, Vivienne has been finding herself feeling something different towards her sister – envy. Logically, Vivienne knows it is not Betty’s fault that Vivienne ended up with all this responsibility rather than her but, in the middle of the night when she can’t sleep, Vivienne finds herself imagining what it had been like if she had been born second.  

Noah McKee: Deputy/’friend’ – Vivienne has never really had a friend but, if she had, she believes that it would be a lot like her relationship with Noah. Noah had been the first person willing to show her the ropes when she first joined the force. Initially, Vivienne had been resistant to offer up any personal information about herself at first, content to only discuss work matters. However, with his easy-going smiles as he brought her in coffee every day, Noah began to break down Vivienne’s hard shell. That was ten years ago, now Vivienne is the Sheriff and Noah is her most trusted Deputy. The pair will occasionally go for post-work drinks and Vivienne will purposely have one too many in order to discuss how she is feeling, truths that would be too hard to say when sober. 

OOC

FC: Tessa Thompson

Availability: Taken

Played by: Shawn

[earthbounddreamers]

James OC Asks

1. What do they smell like? He smells vaguely of a flowery perfume, but not so much you could pick up on it. 2. What is their voice like? His voice is smooth, slightly deep when he wants to be serious but higher most of the time. 3. What is their biggest motivator? He wants to be able to make other people happy, whether he knows them or not. 4. What is their most embarrassing memory? On his first day of work he dumped a vat of ice cream on the floor and had to spend an hour cleaning it up. The only reason he didn't get fired was because he was so devoted to owning his mistake and learning from it that they trusted he would make up for it (they also took the price of it out of his paycheck). 5. How do they deal with/react to pain? James is not good with pain. If there's adrenaline running he can ignore it but otherwise he's basically useless the moment something happens. 6. What do they like to wear? While he used to wear typically masculine clothes he's adopted a more feminine wardrobe with skirts and crop tops, and he always looks amazing. 7. Which of their relationships have impacted them most positively? He's been friends with Simon since they were 6 and everything has changed so much, he's impacted him and his life so much and will continue to until they die and they're like ghost bffs. 8. What’s the weirdest thing they’ve ever eaten? He once took every flavour of ice cream in the store and mixed it all together into a weird amalgamate smoothie and it tasted so terrible. Just a horrendous mishmash of flavours (the chunks of cookie dough or fruits made it even worse). 9. Describe the way that they sleep. Always sleeps on his back with his blanket either totally covering him or on the floor. With a partner he'll wrap his arm around them and loves it when they sleep with their head on his chest. 10. What is their favorite food/kind of food? He loves crepes, especially when he gets them from quiet obscure shops or stands. He loves all sorts of flavours, especially fruity stuff. 11. What do they feel most insecure about? While he's worked through the eating disorder he had he's still very self conscious about his weight and sometimes can't stand to look at himself. Scar and Simon actually work to check up on him and make sure he eats. Pequeño keeps an eye on him too, dragging him to the kitchen it he hasn't eaten. 12. How do they like to dress? He likes dressing very feminine, in flowery dresses and blouses, all cute pastels and looks frickin adorable in it. 13. How do they react to feelings of guilt? He feels terrible and beats himself up endlessly, that is until he gives in and apologizes endlessly until someone will forgive him. 14. How do they react to/deal with betrayal? He forgives them automatically. They didn't mean any harm, it wasn't supposed to be like that, it's okay. But if they do it again - or someone helps him realize he doesn't have to forgive them - there's no going back. 15. What is their greatest achievement? The first job he got. He was 16 and randomly applied at the local ice cream shoppe with a resume Simon helped him make. At the end of the interview he had the job, and to him that was his greatest achievement. 16. What are they like when they’ve gotten too little sleep? Just sleepy. Like about to pass out at any given moment. His mind takes like 15 seconds to process information so it's like he has lag. He basically doesn't function. 17. What are they like when they’re drunk? A silly, goofy romantic. Once he gets too drunk though he can get aggressive and tries to intimidate everyone. It doesn't work. 18. What kind of music do they enjoy? Rock and musicals. 19. Are they right or left handed? Right handed. 20. Fears? Looking bad/gross/etc, also being alone. 21. Favorite kind of weather? Rainy days to stay inside. 22. Favorite color? Green. 23. Do they collect anything? Cute clothes. 24. Do they prefer either hot or cold weather more? Cold weather so he can bundle up. 25. What is their eye color? Emerald green. 26. What is their race/ethnicity? White. 27. Hair color? Black. 28. Are they happy where they are currently? Dating Scar, living with her and Sam? Y to the yes. 29. Are they a morning person? He's an okay morning person. He can manage it but doesn't like it. 30. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset. 31. Are they more messy or more organized? Messy, but he swears he knows where everything is (he doesn't). 32. Pet peeves? People who chew with their mouth open or talk with their mouth full (Scar pisses him off a lot but he loves her anyways). 33. Do they own any objects of significant personal importance? A toy rabbit from when he was a kid. Desperately keeps it hidden from Pequeño. 34. Least favorite food? Raw veggies with no dip. 35. Least favorite color? Mustard yellow. 36. Least favorite smell? Grease. 37. When was the last time they cried? Had a nightmare about Scar attempting suicide, woke up crying and kept crying. 38. Were they with anybody the last time they cried? In bed with Scar and Sam, woke them both up, they comforted him. 39. Tell us about one of the times they got injured? Fucking around trying to build a bookshelf (come on it can't be that hard) and somehow shot a nail gun through his hand. He didn't even need a nail gun he just figured it would be faster than a hammer. Scar had to leave work to go take him to the hospital cause he was too embarrassed to actually call 911. 40. Do they have any scars? His left hand has a hole from the nail gun incident, between the lower bones of his pinky and ring finger on his left hand. Claims to be the second coming of christ and they didn't manage to crucify him. Scar continues to say he's a dumbass. 41. Do they struggle with any mental health issues? Eating disorders, anorexia and bulimia. Initially recovered when he was 19 and has never seriously relapsed. He's come close a few times but Scar keeps an eye on him so he never gets a chance to do anything stupid. He insists he doesn't need help so Scar made him a “diet buddy” to help her continue eating healthy so she has an excuse to ask about his eating habits (and he's getting worse at lying about that). 42. Do they have any bad habits? Just forgetting to eat. Maybe it's subconscious somewhere, but he just doesn't think about eating. Also doesn't pay attention to stuff, like ever. Crosses the road without looking, aims the nail gun based on his instincts, stuff like that. 43. Why might someone dislike them? He is loud and crazy and can come off as like the bad kind of Gryffindor. You know what kind of person I'm talking about. 44. Why might someone love them? A beautiful sweet boy. Loves everyone back. Amazingly smart despite how unbelievably stupid he is at times. Loves with a passion and lives with a fire. 45. Do they believe in ghosts? Yeah. Who else keeps leaving doors open and lights on? Definitely not him. 46. Is there anyone they would trust with their lives? Scar would be hesitant, but trust him anyways. Simon would trust him without any hesitation. 47. Are they romantically interested in anyone? Scarlet. Beauty, grace, she'll kick you in the face. 48. Are they dating/married to anyone? Dating Scar, who is also dating Sam. He and Sam are friends but team up to spoil Scar with affection. 49. Do they like surprises? Yes. Surprise him with anything and he will scream in delight. 50. When is their birthday? September 18th, 199X. 51. How do they usually celebrate their birthday? Go bowling or roller skating with the gang, then drink with Sam and Scar at home as they marathon Lord of the Rings (even though they never make it to the second movie). 52. Do they have any family? His dad and his younger sister, Sara. His dad is a war vet and has enough money to work casually as a carpenter. Sara is deaf and owns a coffee shop based on silence. Only quiet music plays, and you order by checking off options on a menu. It's a hit with introverts, as well as many neurodivergent people. 53. Are they close to their family? Yes, he visits them once a week, as they continue to live together. 54. What is their MBTI type? INFP. 55. What is their zodiac sign? Virgo. 56. What Hogwarts House would they be in? Gryffindor, but he would fit in Hufflepuff. 57. What D&D alignment are they? Chaotic good. 58. Do they ever have nightmares? If so, what about? Simon and Scar attempting suicide. Whether recreations of the past events or new ones, those are really the only nightmares he ever has. 59. What are their views on death? It'll happen someday but please please please be far away. 60. What is something that they’re sure to laugh at? Scar’s terrible jokes. 61. When bored, how do they pass time? Video games, usually. 62. Do they enjoy being outside? Yes, but if it's too hot and there's no water he gets tired of it. 63. Do they have an accent? Traces of a Jersey accent from his dad. 64. Upon seeing a slice of chocolate cake, what is their first reaction? Terribly torn betwee, “god that must be delicious” and “got that looks disgusting”. 65. If they knew they were going to die, what would they do/say? Gather together all his friends and try to tell them all anything he thinks he needs to. Spends every second possible with them. 66. How do they feel about sex? He likes it, and has an average libido. 67. What is their sexuality? Pansexual. 68. Do they become squeamish at the sight of blood? Yes, but he can usually handle it. But if it's own he tends to faint. 69. Is there anything that they find really gross? Processed food. 70. Which TV Trope(s) best describes them? The dumb but funny and loving friend. 71. Do they enjoy helping people? Yes, he helps anyone in need. 72. Are they allergic to anything? Nope. 73. Do they have a pet? Pequeño, his little furry son. 74. Are they quick to anger? What are they like when they lose their temper? No, it takes a while to make him angry. But when he breaks he is ready to murder a bitch. 75. How patient are they? Very patient with people. But waiting for stuff? Gets very bored, very quickly. 76. Are they good at cooking? Well he's not gonna burn it, but it's not too good either. 77. Favorite insult? Do they insult people often? Dickweed. And usually only insults people as jokes/out of friendship. 78. How do they act when they’re particularly happy? Very bubbly and social, will talk your ear off and compliment you a lot. 79. What do they do when they learn about other people’s fears? He's determined to remember what it is and protect them at all costs. 80. Are they trustworthy? Very trustworthy, you can trust him with anything. But he's pretty forgetful so he might not remember to do it. 81. Do they try to hide their emotions? Are they good at it? He tries to, and he's not good at it. 82. Do they exercise regularly? Scar drags him to the gym once a week, and she barely manages that. 83. Are they comfortable with the way they look? Most of the time he is, but he has phases where he gets seriously insecure and can't look himself in the mirror. 84. What are some physical features that they find attractive on people? He loves muscles and any typically masculine, rough kind of attributes. 85. What kind of personalities do they find attractive? Strong personalities that are also quiet, to balance out his own loud personality. 86. Do they like sweet foods? Yes but can't stand eating very much. 87. What is their age? He's 17 and turns 18 in Missing Streams, but he's 20 in general canon. 88. Are they tall or short or somewhere in between? Kinda tall, 5’9” 89. Do they wear glasses or contacts? No. He's slightly short sighted but not enough to even notice. 90. Do they consider themselves attractive? Not attractive, but he's confident he isn't ugly either. 91. What is their sense of humor like? Dumb jokes of all kinds, from stupid puns to fart sounds. 92. What mood are they most often in? Usually in a generally positive mood. 93. What kinds of things anger them? Chewing with mouth open, or talking with mouth full. 94. Outlook on life? This isn't too bad, let's have some fun. 95. What kind of things make them sad/depressed? Thinking about how much terrible shit all his friends have been through. 96. What is their greatest weakness? Having to take care of himself. 97. What is their greatest strength? Cheering someone up. 98. Something that they regret? The damage he did to his body due to refusing help for his eating disorders. 99. Biggest accomplishment? Working through it all and becoming more than his mental illness. 100. Create your own! Ask anything you want!

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: Shayna Jacked Up

VERY different year this for once, which is good 

Usually we have a couple frontrunners out on top who almost make everyone from like third or fifth down redundant.

Not so this year. Top is clearly top, but not $1.50 with the bookies. The favourite has only just got into the top four, yet without its best defender. Third place is a wildcard at its best, and is there still something valuable out of fifth through seventh to come? Every chance.

All to play for.

  1.       Trent Dumont first up this week. Monday night on Channel Nine he spoke about his mental health battles. “Sometimes I still struggle to speak about it, but I was really flat. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

 “I called off all 21st birthday celebrations and closed off myself to everyone in those times. I did think about potentially what it would be like if I wasn’t around anymore, would I be doing everyone a favour? I never put it into action, but I definitely had thoughts about potentially suicide.”

 This issue ain’t going away, we had Majak last year and now we have just another typical 24-year-old talking about something that 200 Australians attempt every day. It ain’t going away.

 Keep talking.

 2.       Melbourne. Deplorable. Look at their close games. One point win to Gold Coast. Yes, a two point loss to Adelaide in the NT but two five point wins over Hawthorn and Carlton. Imagine if they were 2-16. So could have easily been. And it’s nothing to do with injuries. Aside from not being able to start numbers off the square anymore tactically, there’s no other real difference. Damming stat, St Kilda looked so much better than them on Saturday and were a year younger on average and a whole lot more inexperienced. Dees have to try and top up and go for it, otherwise, maybe like the Pies, it’s almost clean out start again time. Deplorable.

3.       Tom Lynch wasn’t a top 50 player in the comp for a while, maybe he might just prove that he is before year’s end. Certainly capable of being the best key forward in the game, no doubt.

4.       How bad was that Crows camp last summer? 2016 they went 16-6, 2017 they made the Grand Final after going 15-6-1, so it wasn’t a year out of the box. Last year 12-10, but 12th, and now 9-9 and just hanging on to 8th.

5.       Rumblings the Crows would part with Don Pyke. I can sort of get it. He clearly has, not so much lost the players, but good players are not playing well under him anymore. Rory Sloane doesn’t fear opposition coaches, nor does Taylor Walker, Eddie Betts is droppable, Brodie Smith was a weapon, now he is far less – you really get the sense, sadly for Pykey, that the chemistry between coach and optimising his talent has gone.

6.       Rhyce Shaw wins the North job. Good. But not great. The three wins he had from his first four that got him the job, Richmond when they lost three in a row without any fit players, Gold Coast, and Collingwood which looking back from where we are now – ‘so what’? Is he an upgrade on Scott, absolutely, is he the answer and gets North their fifth flag, almost certainly not. They did try and tempt Horse and Simo, to be fair.

7.       David Teague, if anything he is more compelling than Shaw. Why? What the players are doing for him. There is no more loved coach in the comp by his playing group than Teaguey. Could have easily won seven straight. I think with the talent on that list, and whatever momentum you call this, you almost need to give him first rights. Let him ‘caretaker’ into next year, so to speak.

8.       So Brad Scott then, well, some say he is a fool for going early. No dice. Leaving so soon into the year he got a bigger break from football than otherwise, plus, whilst he was positioning himself for a role in 2020 he ultimately appears to miss out on, the fall-back is that he gets his full payout from North which is over $700k. Laughing. Mind you, I reckon he’ll have a footy role next year anyway, not as a senior man, but think developmental or football department head of, something like that.

9.       Jake Niall made a great point about how the Tigers got their injury issues out of the way whereas the Pies’ timing is awful. Richmond is basically fully fit again outside of Rance, Collingwood’s just getting worse. In four weeks Richmond’s going to be unbackable for a second flag in three years, Collingwood needs to hope with some form and fitness it can be regain half a chance of winning an elimination final.

10.   Mind you, Pies yes, this is a bad spot and the injuries need review, but even though the current slide precedes a lack of player availability lets go back to the Giants game two weeks ago. When the Pies got it back to four goals, ‘had’ they gotten up and won, regardless of the Tigers result they’d still be second or third favourite for the flag. Small margins here. And whilst they were vastly different games, Richmond won last Friday by 32 points, the equivalent late-season blockbuster last year, Richmond won by 28 points. Don’t get me wrong, don’t jump on the Maggies, but let’s not forget, yesterday was still July, still a ways to go here folks.

11.   That said, Richmond still wins the flag for mine. We know the bit about beating Geelong first final to make a prelim, or somehow getting Geelong in a prelim going the other way. But, the only potential banana skin comes up if they were finish fourth, beat Geelong, get the week off straight into the prelim final. Meanwhile, West Coast beat Brisbane first week, the Lions get the double chance semi final at home. They would be play the winner of Essendon, Collingwood, who could get enormous belief by winning that elimination final and would fancy themselves then the next week. If the Bombers, for example, then topple the Lions they’d then get a date with Richmond in a prelim. The Tigers, playing one game in four weeks basically, are sitting ducks to a fellow big Melbourne club racing at them like, I don’t know, the Pies did last year. That elongated theory aside, Richmond’s home.

12.   Hawks are going to miss the finals, and they should not be. Losing to Brisbane in Tassie, alongside the failures to Melbourne in Round 7 and Saints in Round 4 will cost them eighth, where they’d be good enough to compete. Injuries, transitioning list, all that aside, this team has beaten Geelong, Collingwood, GWS and lost to the Eagles by a kick in a thunderstorm, they’re worthy. Or should be, anyway.

13.   Some swimming before the Ashes. How’s about the hot bed of mess that was. It does sound like there is something plausible about the suspect supplements that young Shayna has got herself in trouble with, but that’s neither here nor there, diligence doesn’t care for youthful slip ups. But the Swimming Australia leadership, namely Leigh Russell who was a mental health coach last time I checked, has failed here. Yes the anti-doping process is harsh, but you kind of feel Jack’s copped it worse off the back of it.

14.   And yes, Mack Horton makes his stance but then Jack gets done, bad look perhaps. But mind you, Horton was protesting Sun being there in the first place with a WADA appeal pending, at least with Jack once her results were declared she was sent home, it was a more cut and dry situation. I think we should be happy to still point fingers elsewhere providing we accept that we’re not immune whether you’re a systematic cheat or a blasphemous professional.

15.   Right, the cricket, only a couple hours away. Bancroft over Harris seems contentious but a couple reasons why they went with the Sandgroper sander. Being right-handed helped, if we went Harris six of the top five are all lefties, and that’s just too much. Especially too in an opening pair it is better to have left and right. But also there’s a fear on Harris outside of ‘Shield conditions’. He looked ok in the test summer, but didn’t blow anyone away. And if you’re a good batsman in Australian conditions against State bowlers, you can cash in. Bancroft has had a couple better moments, for Australia A but also for Australia, but too recently for Durham, where he has shown maybe his skills and toughness go up that extra level. That will be key against Anderson and Broad with Duke balls in English conditions.

16.   Jimmy Pattinson, what a story. He had a back like Stephen Hawking only five minutes ago and now he is bustling and breathing fire with Duke in hand and will definitely get some LBW’s. Remember, last summer at home, six tests, not one quickie got a leg before. Pattinson is going to be beating the bat and hitting lots of pads and lots of poles, no question. Castles should go a-flying. Great story.

17.   Now, Pete Siddle, he is the other one, might even get a go too tonight. Why? Well the answer lies with Tim Murtagh. Who? He is the ‘not-quick’ Irish seamer who took five for bugger all at Lords last week in the first innings against England. Bowls a very tidy, tight, nagging length and gets a little wobble off the seam, which on our decks gets you smacked, but in England with some cloud cover you’re unplayable. If 38-year-old Murtagh can get Michelle Pfeiffer’s at Lord’s, imagine what Siddle might be able to do somewhere. Will play.

18.   England’s top order is the key. We said in the World Cup the lower order was their Achilles heel and early on it was, but back end of the tournament Roy and Bairstow got going and they deservedly won the World Cup. Ashes, red ball, it’s the opposite. The top order is their weakness which is not where you’d want it. At least in one-day cricket when Roy and Bairstow get going they protect the middle order, in test cricket it’s going to go wrong from the start. Joe Root does not want to bat three, at all, not one bit – but such is their issues at the top he is. He will probably still bat well, but if doesn’t, they could be four for not much and that is a problem they can’t afford too often needing to win something like three of the five tests.

19.   Predictions? Nah dunno, I know that because it’s later in their summer, in fact I think two tests will be in their autumn maybe, there is every chance we draw a test due to rain interruptions. So the Poms will need a 3-1 result to get the urn back, or 2-1 if we lose two tests to weather. I reckon Australia wins at least one test, and if the batting is ok at worst, good at least, then that’s probably two wins and the urn is retained. But India nobbled our batting at home, it’s now Anderson and Broad and over there. Might come down to Warner and Smith, they go ok, we win, they miss and the batting still is a problem, we don’t, England does the World Cup-Ashes double.

20.   Lastly, A-League got some good news, Channel Ten will air two games a round this year on the main channel, which is a great result in all honesty. However, kind of trumped later in the week when the NBL announced its SBS-ESPN deal, which sees every afternoon game on SBS (three plus games a round), and all primetime games on ESPN, away from the Fox Sports channels. That would not be cheap, big leap of faith by ESPN. Larry Kestelman runs that sport as well as the FFA tries to bury its sport into the ground.

[sorayahigashikata]

Chapter 75: "If 'Douche and Turd' was a Western."

[astralsecrets]

xlix.

Non-dream stuff - Woke up at 6:30 with the first dream, then at unknown time had the second dream (fragment) and then woke at 9:20 with third dream. Made note of all on phone initially.

Dream 1: Mixed location of my home town with where I live now. Recycling was being collected and it was morning. I remember coming to pick up our bags back but they were only "half-empty", as were everyone else's. Other people were there, also disgruntled for that same reason. I found some vintage gear in the midst of this, but for some reason I felt like it was stuff of ours to begin with, so I wasn't sure how they'd got there. It was morning and cloudy. Some sort of transition, then in the car with my partner driving away from town; I said I didn't like the route we were taking, as it was transitioning from town to massive red canyon-type cliffs and we were going at super high speed on a ring of red rock suspended in the air (like something you'd see in 90s sci-fi racing games). It was a clear and bright day at this point. After the canyon, we were arriving at a megapolis and the sun was setting. We parked up on a hill away from it all and started walking down to a large concrete pillar. It had what looked like cash machines embedded into it, but they weren't cash machines; they were some sort of tourist information points, and the machine would teach us some local lingo. I spent some time on it reading the words and trying to pronounce them correctly. It reminded me of Pidgin and Jamaican. When I was at the machine, I made particular note that the person on the other machine looked like one of my aunts (G) but thought no further about it and assumed it a coincidence. Then there's an implied transition that we went up somehow. We were now in the lobby of a grand place; it was a casino, carpeted, wood paneling, etc. Before I got to the reception I remember this black girl; somehow she looked like a younger and female version of Morpheus from the Matrix, and also without sunglasses. Her mouth was distinctly like his, she could have been his daughter. I don't remember what we talked about, but at one point I started to feel like she was pestering me/following me and I and my partner (H) just moved on to the reception desk. H was talking to the receptionist and there was an implied topic of H's mom having recently passed away. I questioned this a little bit but some sort of dream memory made me assume it was true. Whether it was a memory of the dream or a real memory, I was certain I'd been at this casino before. We were being given far more points than last time, and I could see there was a wooden framed number counter with 6 digits behind the reception desk, on the wall. It was the money I had available? 22000 it said; so I went down to 20000, and got in exchange some 50000 points or something, including to spend on some sort of "casino skills" like it was a game. Then all of a sudden we were teleported into another part of the casino. I could see myself in third person and I was some character wearing a light blue outfit. H wasn't with me anymore, I was confused and the dream ended; I woke up just as confused, sweating profusely, feeling like H was missing, when H was actually just next to me in bed. Dream Fragment 2: I was in some sort of large mansion or house. I don't remember much about it apart from zombie-like people, except they weren't rotten/rotting. They were alive and well, apart from being mostly mindless. I had some sort of special powers that I could use with my hands. I vaguely remember a selection interface. I tried the powers on the zombies, and they would mostly have the effect of making them behave differently or responding to commands from me and the like. The last ones I tried were on a woman, none of the powers worked on her. She had a white cardigan top and had short brunette hair and brown eyes. She became aggressive when the powers didn't work and started trying to gouge my eyes out with her thumbs; my eyes were closed and I could feel the pressure but I grabbed her arms with my hands but somehow she gained an extra arm; at this point I started to question what was happening, but the dream ended soon after. I don't recall when in the night this dream occurred. Dream 3: Me and H were in our kitchen. It was night but instead of the kitchen having a rolling blind at the window, it had 2 curtains. Couldn't see very well outside at first. I was naked and started to become concerned about people looking in and seeing me naked, as the kitchen light was on. When I looked outside again, the outside looked bigger and smaller in some aspects vs waking life. It was bright now too, I could see lots of traffic on the climb behind our house, which was odd for this time of night. But there was a full moon with a violet glow; the glow reflected on clouds too and it was quite beautiful and interesting. I could see the top of a street lamp post and I looked away at something and back at it and it started to fall, albeit slowly. H became very concerned it would hit the work shed, but I could see clearly that it wouldn't and would land on an upper tier instead. The traffic was still heavy and I found it odd that nobody had stopped, even lorries just going through the road. Did they phase through or just smash the pole into bits? There was no noise of vehicles hitting it. It felt like a "physics bug". The dream ended soon after.

Will edit in some notes later. Feeling a bit too tired.

Scoring thus far: + Previous score: 12.5 + This DJ entry score (breakdown below): 19.5 ++ Recall a non-lucid fragment: 0.5 ++ Recall a non-lucid dream *2: 2.0 ++ Buy/Purchase something: 1.0 (at the casino, buying points) ++ Control another object or DC: 1.0 (in the dream fragment, controlling the "zombies") ++ How fast can you drive a car: 10.0 (in the first dream, when we went over the canyon, my partner's car simply shouldn't be able to go that fast and the suspended bit was curved, so if we weren't going that fast we would have fallen/steered off) ++ Recall any non-lucid dream over 5 consecutive nights: 5.0 = Total score thus far: 32

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8297989 https://www.dreamviews.com/blogs/darkestdarkness/xlix-85575/

[maysoper]

Manitoba Women Are Golden (Again)

If you're a female Manitoba hockey player, 2018 has been a very good year. First, the Manitoba Bisons women's hockey team captured both the Canada West championship and the U SPORTS National Championship at the university level. And today, Team Manitoba at the 2018 National Aboriginal Hockey Championship followed up their gold medal from last season with a second gold medal as they downed Ontario South in the final! There's a reason why I mentioned the Manitoba Bisons in the opening paragraph. This Manitoba team, who was absolutely dominant throughout the tournament, was led in scoring by two players that the Bisons have signed as recruits for next season as Keyanna and Keyara Lea showed the nation just how good they are. But there are others on this team who will do well at the U SPORTS level as defender Breanne Dondo, who will attend the University of Montreal, and goaltender Bianca Zak, who will attend Mount Allison University, were key contributors on this Manitoba team in helping them get to a second consecutive gold medal celebration. It might be time for the nation to take notice that Manitoba is producing some incredible hockey players. That being said, let's focus on how good this Manitoba team was in their pursuit of excellence once more. Manitoba would meet the 1-0 Ontario South team in their opening game on May 7, and this one had all the makings of a classic. Bianca Zak got the call between the pipes for Manitoba while Keelee Hollowell took to the blue paint in the Ontario South end. Just 1:43 in, Kaila Powell put Manitoba up 1-0 off a wraparound following a turnover behind Hollowell's net. Manitoba would double their lead just four minutes later when Keyanna Lea took a gorgeous feed from sister Keyara Lea out of the corner on the power-play and zipped it past the glove of Hollowell at 5:14. Alissa General would cut the deficit in half with 3:47 to play, but Manitoba took the lead into the intermission.

Can I just take a second and point out that Keelee Hollowell was wearing #53? I love me some non-traditional goalie numbers. Anyway, the second saw Manitoba restore their two-goal lead twice. First, Emily Daniels scored at 7:18 to make it 3-1 before Ontario's Jesse Renee Kennedy made it a one-goal game 12:48. Manitoba would see their special teams jump to life when Makenzie McCallum blocked a point shot on the power-play, and then was off to the races. Her partial breakaway saw her go high on the glove side just inside the post with 22 seconds remaining for the shorthanded marker that put Manitoba ahead 4-2. Manitoba played the third period very defensive-minded, send the Ontario attack back to the neutral zone time and time again. However, we all know that the "prevent" defence eventually collapses, and Ontario would find a break with 4:15 to play. A turnover at the blueline led to Ontario getting the puck in deep before sending it back to the point where Victoria Miller-Loft fired one on net that went off a Manitoba defender right to the stick of Alissa General and she buried her second of the game to make it 4-3. And Ontario wasn't done. With Hollowell on the bench and six attackers on, a scramble in front of Zak saw Cheyenne Campbell bury the game-tying goal with just 23 seconds to play! Overtime, right? Not on this day. Manitoba, with five seconds remaining, saw Keyanna Lea win the face-off back where McCallum fired a wrist shot towards the net that went off a defender in front and allowed Lea, who had gone to the net, to pick up the loose puck, spin, and slide it past Hollowell with less than a second to play to give Manitoba the 5-4 win! In a rather remarkable finish, Manitoba grabbed the victory with that last-second effort! Zak was brilliant in stopping 27 of 31 shots while Hollowell deserved a better fate after stopping 24 of 29 shots. The full game's video can be seen below!

Manitoba's second game came against Ontario North as the 'Tobans looked to continue their reign of terror over our easterly neighbours. Makenzie McCallum staked the Manitobans to a 1-0 just 10:42 into this game before Ontario's Xanthe Shecapio-Saganash came roaring back with a pair of goals 33 seconds apart at 14:40 and 15:13 to put Ontario up 2-1! Kaila Powell would score with 3:03 left in the period on the power-play, however, and this game would hit the intermission tied at 2-2! Would we see another back-and-firth affair like the previous day? That answer was no as Manitoba clamped down defensively while goaltender Shayna Moore turned aside the remaining Ontario chances. A second period goal by Keyanna Lea followed third period goals from Kaila Powell and Keyara Lea paced Manitoba to the 5-2 win over Ontario North. Moore stopped 16 of 18 shots in the game while her Ontario counterpart Cailen Hanzlik stopped 35 of 40 shots she faced as Manitoba improved to 2-0! Again, the full video of this game can be seen below!

Manitoba's third game in pool play came against Team Atlantic, and Manitoba's prowess was on display. Manitoba, which didn't allow Team Atlantic a shot on net in the opening period, jumped out to a 3-0 through the opening frame on goals by Keyanna Lea, Carrigan Umpherville, and Aliya Baker. Manitoba would add three more goals in the second period with Makenzie McCallum, Keyanna Lea, and Keyara Lea tallying notches. And in the final period, Umpherville added her second of the game as Manitoba skated to the 7-0 win. Shayna Moore had a rather light evening of work in stopping all eight shots for the shutout while Manitoba peppered Atlantic goalie Taylor Cremo with 39 shots, 32 of which which turned aside. With the victory, Manitoba moved to 3-0. The full game can be seen below.

Manitoba finished the pool play of the tournament against Team Alberta on Thursday, May 10, and this one was all Manitoba once again. First period goals by Keyanna Lea and Makenzie McCallum put Manitoba out to a 2-0 lead. That lead grew to 4-0 after Kaila Powell and Carrigan Umpherville dented the twine for Manitoba in the middle frame. And, just for good measure, Manitoba finished off Alberta with a trio of goals in the third period from Umpherville, Lea, and Powell to lead the central province to a 7-0 victory. Manitoba outshot Alberta 43-9 in this game with Bianca Zak picking up the shutout while Alberta's Paige Thomas stopped 36 shots in the game. Manitoba finished their fourth game in four nights with a sparkling 4-0 record to put them atop the Pool A standings. Video of this game is below.

The medal round saw Manitoba enter at the top-seeded team from Pool A, so they would meet the second-place team from Pool B. That team would be British Columbia who tied Saskatchewan in the final game of Pool B play to put both teams at 3-0-1, but fell to second after Saskatchewan finished with a better goal differential. As a result, Manitoba and BC would square off with a berth to the gold medal game on the line, but this one went off the rails in a hurry for BC. After falling behind 2-0 just 1:46 into the game on a goal by Keyanna Lea and power-play marker from Julie Albert, BC rallied three minutes later on a power-play of their own when Maryna MacDonald found room past Shayna Moore to make it 2-1 at 4:46. From there, this one went sideways as Manitoba finished off the period with a power-play goal from Keyara Lea and an even-strength tally from Aliya Baker to put Manitoba ahead 4-1 after one period of play. The second period saw Manitoba increase its lead when Makenzie McCallum scored on the power-play just 2:57 into the period, but that would be all the scoring for now. I say "for now" because Manitoba absolutely shut the door on any sort of miraculous comeback in the third period. Goals by Keyara Lea on the power-play, McCallum, Umpherville, Umpherville again, and Kaila Powell ended any hope that BC may have had for a gold medal as Manitoba skated to the 10-1 win. Moore stopped 18 of 19 shots in the victory while Tessa Sturgeon surrendered all ten goals on Manitoba's 30 shots. With the win, Manitoba advanced to the gold medal final! Video of the game is below.

Who would they face in the gold medal game? None other than Ontario South, the team against whom Manitoba first faced and needed last second heroics to escape with a win. Would we see another epic battle between these two rivals? Manitoba would be the first to hit the scoreboard in the gold medal game when Keyara lea skated it down the ice and across the Ontario blue line before dropping it for Keyanna Lea who took the puck to the high slot and wired a wrist shot past the screen and past Hailee Johnson in the Ontario net to put Manitoba up 1-0 just 8:40 into the game! Minutes later, the sisters would strike again as Keyanna Lea got the puck from the defensive half-board to Keyara who streaked down the ice against four defenders and somehow managed to take the puck across the slot and backhand a high shot past the glove on Johnson to make it 2-0 at 11:07 on what was possibly one of the worst defensive efforts that Ontario South had all tournament. The score would remain intact through to the intermission as Manitoba looked to build on that two-goal advantage in the second period. And they would build on that lead. 6:30 into the period, Keyanna Lea won a race to the puck at the end-boards in the Ontario zone. She quickly relayed that puck to Keyara Lea who spotted Carrigan Umpherville in the slot and went tape-to-tape. Umpherville didn't get everything on the shot as the puck slid toward Johnson and some how got under her to make it 3-0 at 6:35! That seemed to spark Ontario, though, as they stormed back. Cassie Whiteye brought the puck in the Manitoba zone on the right side before finding Lillian George in the middle. George made an aggressive move to pull the puck to her forehand with a defender in front of her and behind her, and wired home a high shot past Bianca Zak to make it 3-1 at 8:06! The two-goal margin would hold through the second intermission as both teams had twenty minutes to play! Just 4:30 into the period, George was on the move again as she caused a turnover, picked up the puck, flew down the right wing, and cut to the middle of the zone with one defender to beat. Her initial shot was stopped by the right pad of Zak, but George followed her shot and was rewarded with the rebound that she deposited behind Zak to make it a 3-2 game at 4:34! Manitoba would respond, however, as Keyanna Lea broke over the Ontario line before losing the puck only to have the puck corralled by Carrigan Umpherville who wristed a high shot past a couple of Ontario defenders and past Hailee Johnson to make it 4-2 at 7:50! Back came Ontario once more, and it felt like their preliminary game as Ontario scored with three minutes to play. Umpherville was whistled for a bodycheck, and that sent Ontario to the power-play where, after a timeout and putting Johnson on the bench, Ontario went to work with a six-on-four advantage. After moving the puck on the outside, Brittany Zack teed one up from the point that pinballed around the front of the net with five players standing in front of Zak. Finally, it popped out to the left face-off circle where Ariele McDonald wristed a high shot through the traffic that found the back of the net to make this a 4-3 game! Could Ontario tie the game late again? Manitoba, having learned from their previous game, kept the pressure on Ontario as they pulled their netminder for the extra attacker, and that pressure paid off when Kaila Powell finally buried the puck in the unguarded cage to make it 5-3 and secure Manitoba's second-straight gold medal! As time ran out, Manitoba's bench emptied and the team embraced Zak at her net. Zak was solid as she stopped 19 shots for the victory while Johnson stopped 20 shots in helping her team to the silver medal. You can watch the full gold medal game below!

Just to give you an idea of how good a few of these players were, Keyanna Lea led Team Manitoba in scoring over the six games with nine goals and 12 assists! Sister Keyara Lea wasn't too far behind as she finished the six games with five goals and ten assists. Carrigan Umpherville scored eight goals and added three helpers in the six games. Together, those three were the driving force in helping Manitoba win. As a team, the Manitobans were nearly unstoppable while on the power-play, converting nine of 14 opportunities in the tournament for a 64.3% efficiency! On the defensive side, both Shayna Moore and Bianca Zak were solid in the nets in going 6-0. Moore was 3-0 with a 1.00 GAA and a .923 save percentage while Bianca Zak put together a 3-0 record with a 2.00 GAA and a .900 save percentage. The Manitoba penalty kill was just as impressive as its power-play, allowing just two power-play goals on 17 opportunities for an 88.2% efficiency! Overall, Manitoba was the best team at this tournament when the dust finally settled. They didn't score the most goals or stop the most shots statistically, but they played a solid team that looked unified on the ice. If the whole is greater than its parts, this Manitoba team is living proof of just how good a team can be when they come together. For the second-straight year! Congratulations go out to Team Manitoba for repeating as gold medalists! Way to make the province proud, ladies! Until next time, keep your sticks on the ice! from Sports News http://hockey-blog-in-canada.blogspot.com/2018/05/manitoba-women-are-golden-again.html

[yasbxxgie]

Nadine Burke Harris How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime

Transcript

00:12

In the mid-'90s, the CDC and Kaiser Permanente discovered an exposure that dramatically increased the risk for seven out of 10 of the leading causes of death in the United States. In high doses, it affects brain development, the immune system, hormonal systems, and even the way our DNA is read and transcribed. Folks who are exposed in very high doses have triple the lifetime risk of heart disease and lung cancer and a 20-year difference in life expectancy. And yet, doctors today are not trained in routine screening or treatment. Now, the exposure I'm talking about is not a pesticide or a packaging chemical. It's childhood trauma.

01:06

Okay. What kind of trauma am I talking about here? I'm not talking about failing a test or losing a basketball game. I am talking about threats that are so severe or pervasive that they literally get under our skin and change our physiology: things like abuse or neglect, or growing up with a parent who struggles with mental illness or substance dependence.

01:31

Now, for a long time, I viewed these things in the way I was trained to view them, either as a social problem -- refer to social services -- or as a mental health problem -- refer to mental health services.And then something happened to make me rethink my entire approach. When I finished my residency, I wanted to go someplace where I felt really needed, someplace where I could make a difference. So I came to work for California Pacific Medical Center, one of the best private hospitals in Northern California, and together, we opened a clinic in Bayview-Hunters Point, one of the poorest, most underserved neighborhoods in San Francisco. Now, prior to that point, there had been only one pediatrician in all of Bayview to serve more than 10,000 children, so we hung a shingle, and we were able to provide top-quality care regardless of ability to pay. It was so cool. We targeted the typical health disparities: access to care, immunization rates, asthma hospitalization rates, and we hit all of our numbers. We felt very proud of ourselves.

02:45

But then I started noticing a disturbing trend. A lot of kids were being referred to me for ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, but when I actually did a thorough history and physical, what I found was that for most of my patients, I couldn't make a diagnosis of ADHD. Most of the kids I was seeing had experienced such severe trauma that it felt like something else was going on. Somehow I was missing something important.

03:21

Now, before I did my residency, I did a master's degree in public health, and one of the things that they teach you in public health school is that if you're a doctor and you see 100 kids that all drink from the same well, and 98 of them develop diarrhea, you can go ahead and write that prescription for dose after dose after dose of antibiotics, or you can walk over and say, "What the hell is in this well?" So I began reading everything that I could get my hands on about how exposure to adversity affects the developing brains and bodies of children.

03:59

And then one day, my colleague walked into my office, and he said, "Dr. Burke, have you seen this?" In his hand was a copy of a research study called the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study. That day changed my clinical practice and ultimately my career.

04:24

The Adverse Childhood Experiences Study is something that everybody needs to know about. It was done by Dr. Vince Felitti at Kaiser and Dr. Bob Anda at the CDC, and together, they asked 17,500 adults about their history of exposure to what they called "adverse childhood experiences," or ACEs. Those include physical, emotional, or sexual abuse; physical or emotional neglect; parental mental illness, substance dependence, incarceration; parental separation or divorce; or domestic violence. For every yes, you would get a point on your ACE score. And then what they did was they correlated these ACE scores against health outcomes. What they found was striking. Two things: Number one, ACEs are incredibly common. Sixty-seven percent of the population had at least one ACE, and 12.6 percent, one in eight, had four or more ACEs. The second thing that they found was that there was a dose-response relationship between ACEs and health outcomes: the higher your ACE score, the worse your health outcomes. For a person with an ACE score of four or more, their relative risk of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease was two and a half times that of someone with an ACE score of zero. For hepatitis, it was also two and a half times. For depression, it was four and a half times. For suicidality, it was 12 times. A person with an ACE score of seven or more had triple the lifetime risk of lung cancer and three and a half times the risk of ischemic heart disease, the number one killer in the United States of America.

06:30

Well, of course this makes sense. Some people looked at this data and they said, "Come on. You have a rough childhood, you're more likely to drink and smoke and do all these things that are going to ruin your health. This isn't science. This is just bad behavior."

06:50

It turns out this is exactly where the science comes in. We now understand better than we ever have before how exposure to early adversity affects the developing brains and bodies of children. It affects areas like the nucleus accumbens, the pleasure and reward center of the brain that is implicated in substance dependence. It inhibits the prefrontal cortex, which is necessary for impulse control and executive function, a critical area for learning. And on MRI scans, we see measurable differences in the amygdala, the brain's fear response center. So there are real neurologic reasons why folks exposed to high doses of adversity are more likely to engage in high-risk behavior, and that's important to know.

07:44

But it turns out that even if you don't engage in any high-risk behavior, you're still more likely to develop heart disease or cancer. The reason for this has to do with the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis, the brain's and body's stress response system that governs our fight-or-flight response. How does it work? Well, imagine you're walking in the forest and you see a bear. Immediately, your hypothalamus sends a signal to your pituitary, which sends a signal to your adrenal gland that says,"Release stress hormones! Adrenaline! Cortisol!" And so your heart starts to pound, Your pupils dilate, your airways open up, and you are ready to either fight that bear or run from the bear. And that is wonderful if you're in a forest and there's a bear. (Laughter) But the problem is what happens when the bear comes home every night, and this system is activated over and over and over again, and it goes from being adaptive, or life-saving, to maladaptive, or health-damaging. Children are especially sensitive to this repeated stress activation, because their brains and bodies are just developing. High doses of adversity not only affect brain structure and function, they affect the developing immune system, developing hormonal systems, and even the way our DNA is read and transcribed.

09:32

So for me, this information threw my old training out the window, because when we understand the mechanism of a disease, when we know not only which pathways are disrupted, but how, then as doctors, it is our job to use this science for prevention and treatment. That's what we do.

09:54

So in San Francisco, we created the Center for Youth Wellness to prevent, screen and heal the impacts of ACEs and toxic stress. We started simply with routine screening of every one of our kids at their regular physical, because I know that if my patient has an ACE score of 4, she's two and a half times as likely to develop hepatitis or COPD, she's four and half times as likely to become depressed, and she's 12 times as likely to attempt to take her own life as my patient with zero ACEs. I know that when she's in my exam room. For our patients who do screen positive, we have a multidisciplinary treatment team that works to reduce the dose of adversity and treat symptoms using best practices, including home visits, care coordination, mental health care, nutrition, holistic interventions, and yes, medication when necessary. But we also educate parents about the impacts of ACEs and toxic stress the same way you would for covering electrical outlets, or lead poisoning, and we tailor the care of our asthmatics and our diabetics in a way that recognizes that they may need more aggressive treatment, given the changes to their hormonal and immune systems.

11:17

So the other thing that happens when you understand this science is that you want to shout it from the rooftops, because this isn't just an issue for kids in Bayview. I figured the minute that everybody else heard about this, it would be routine screening, multi-disciplinary treatment teams, and it would be a race to the most effective clinical treatment protocols. Yeah. That did not happen. And that was a huge learning for me. What I had thought of as simply best clinical practice I now understand to be a movement. In the words of Dr. Robert Block, the former President of the American Academy of Pediatrics, "Adverse childhood experiences are the single greatest unaddressed public health threatfacing our nation today." And for a lot of people, that's a terrifying prospect. The scope and scale of the problem seems so large that it feels overwhelming to think about how we might approach it. But for me, that's actually where the hopes lies, because when we have the right framework, when we recognize this to be a public health crisis, then we can begin to use the right tool kit to come up with solutions. From tobacco to lead poisoning to HIV/AIDS, the United States actually has quite a strong track record with addressing public health problems, but replicating those successes with ACEs and toxic stress is going to take determination and commitment, and when I look at what our nation's response has been so far, I wonder, why haven't we taken this more seriously?

13:14

You know, at first I thought that we marginalized the issue because it doesn't apply to us. That's an issue for those kids in those neighborhoods. Which is weird, because the data doesn't bear that out.The original ACEs study was done in a population that was 70 percent Caucasian, 70 percent college-educated. But then, the more I talked to folks, I'm beginning to think that maybe I had it completely backwards. If I were to ask how many people in this room grew up with a family member who suffered from mental illness, I bet a few hands would go up. And then if I were to ask how many folks had a parent who maybe drank too much, or who really believed that if you spare the rod, you spoil the child,I bet a few more hands would go up. Even in this room, this is an issue that touches many of us, and I am beginning to believe that we marginalize the issue because it does apply to us. Maybe it's easier to see in other zip codes because we don't want to look at it. We'd rather be sick.

14:33

Fortunately, scientific advances and, frankly, economic realities make that option less viable every day.The science is clear: Early adversity dramatically affects health across a lifetime. Today, we are beginning to understand how to interrupt the progression from early adversity to disease and early death, and 30 years from now, the child who has a high ACE score and whose behavioral symptoms go unrecognized, whose asthma management is not connected, and who goes on to develop high blood pressure and early heart disease or cancer will be just as anomalous as a six-month mortality from HIV/AIDS. People will look at that situation and say, "What the heck happened there?" This is treatable.This is beatable. The single most important thing that we need today is the courage to look this problem in the face and say, this is real and this is all of us. I believe that we are the movement.

15:52

Thank you.

15:54

(Applause)

[youtu.be]

[scozziesquash]

Baaaaaston Frank Millet JCT

Scozzie Season 7, Chapter 12

The 3rd JCT of 2017/18 season was hosted at Harvard this weekend, as the countries top 32 players made their way east to the land of the Patriots. The Frank Millet JCT in Boston has always been a Scozzie favorite and was notoriously the season opening event in September. This year it was cemented in the middle of the squash calendar, presenting it as a pivotal fixture in many goal setting journals. With almost every top ranked player in attendance, the competition was extremely high, with expectations targeted to match. Could Shaam continue his record breaking unbeaten start to the season and make it 3 for 3 in JCT titles? Could we have our first U19 Champion since Sean broke the record to become the winningest male junior back in 2015? Could the Eagles beat the Cowboys in Sunday Night football to go to a record breaking 9-1?! Read on to hear all about the twists and turns of another Scozzie JCT rollercoaster…

Can the Perfect JCT Season continue?!

The man of the moment – Shaam G! The 8th grader has taken his talents to a whole new level and after upsetting the odds in JCT #1 in Cincinnati to win his first career JCT title, Shaam has continued to improve at an electric pace. One of the programs hardest workers, his successes couldn’t be more deserving and he entered the weekend on a 10 match unbeaten win streak. That kind of form never goes unnoticed and he arrived in Boston with a big target on his chest for many of his peers seeking that acclaim to be responsible for being that person to finally end the streak! From R1 all the way through to the final, his opponents brought their A games and were gunning for glory. In the first 6 game he played, every one was within 2 points. Somehow Shaam stayed cool and composed despite struggling to find his best form and still won all 6 games to reach the quarters with 2 perfect 3/0’s. In the quarters he faced his toughest challenge of the season so far. After losing 2 tiebreaks, Shaam was suddenly tied at 7-7 in the 5th and 4 points away from losing his perfect streak. The opponent was on fire and the whole of Harvard sensed an upset. Shaam went to 10-7, but then couldn’t convert any of his 3 match balls and again, tied it at 10-10. Now, hold on a second…

Super Saturday’s Surreal Sixty Minutes 

2-2 and a tiebreak 5th game in a JCT quarter final sounds all too familiar. Eric did exactly the same thing in the Bu19’s up against his long term rival who’d he lost to in the quarter finals in JCT #1 in Cincinnati… oh and didn’t we mention that too was a 5 gamer. And… it doesn’t stop there… Meghna had the exact same scenario in the GU19! Facing the same opponent she defeated in 5 in Cincinatti, Meghna saved match balls in Game 4 and then the score line crept up until the refs called the famous ‘10 all, player must win by 2 clear points’! Surely that’s enough excitement to last a lifetime?! NO! All of this was within the space of 60 minutes, which will now be remembered in history as the Surreal Sixty on Super Saturday! Peter M incredibly was then part of an almost identical situation in his Bu19 quarter final! He was 2-1 down and 10-6 match ball, when he decided to create history with his very own crazy comeback!! Saved 4 match balls with some of the gutsiest squash you’ll ever see and the sealed Game 4 at his first opportunity! 4 absolute thrilling matches which had very spectator on the edge of their seats and the coaches must have suffered at least 10 mini heart attacks in the excitement! How many could we win and move on to join Elle, who by the way, managed to win 3/0 in relatively comfortable fashion in her GU19 match up. Why can’t the rest of you be more like Elle! These roller coaster thrillers are taking years off our lives and the gray hairs are continually appearing by the second! The answer….

Before we reveal all… back to Shaam! 2-2, 10-10 the true test of a champion being able to come through those situations. Well Shaam is a true champion and he played his best squash on those big points to seal it 12/10 in the 5th and make it a lucky 13 win-streak after the notorious unlucky number almost cost him his record win streak! On the next court, Eric… must of inhaled some of Shaam’s super powers as he fantastically fought of one of the most impressive shot making game 5’s we’d ever seen from an opponent. He knew the opponent was gassed, but any ball could roll and the did! His opponent couldn’t miss and somehow Eric stuck with it to 10-10. That’s when the Magic came and 2 perfect rallies resulted in another 12/10 victory and made it 3-3 in quarter final victories. Meghna’s turn! Surely after saving match balls in Game 4, she couldn’t do it again in Game 5?! Well yes she could… immediately after Eric, Meghna made it 4 for 4 upsetting a top 4 seed for her 2nd victory over her this season (both in 5!) and incredibly another Scozzie tie break success!!! Finally, Peter brought the craziness to an end with a lights out Game 5 to make it 5 Scozzie semi finalists with 5/5 from our quarter finalists! Some may say luck was on our side, but our guys showed calmness, composure and it was truly clutch squash at the biggest moments. Psychological perfection lead to exquisite execution, what an hour of excitement it was! One for the Scozzie history books, it won’t be forgotten any time soon! 

JCT Finalists and Joint Scozzie of the Week

Shaam and Eric then progressed to the finals with Two excellent semi performances, Eric overcoming Peter 3/1. Shaam was up first in the BU15 final looking to make it a perfect 15-15 in JCT matches this season. The final was #1 vs #2 and the match everyone wanted to see… and these boys didn’t disappoint. Shaam raced 2-0 up volleying better than some professionals would and he looked unstoppable. Suddenly his opponent found some top shelf wisdom and clawed it back to 2-2 and set up a nail biting 5th game. Those pressure situations are where the money is made and once again, Shaam showed his resilience and champion-esq fight to seal a 11-9 victory and his 3rd JCT title of the season. What a season the young man is having, arguably the most dominant season from a junior male ever in JCT history. Next up for Shaam is the US Open, which is quickly followed by the British and Baltimore JCT where Shaam will get to test his talents against the World’s best.

Eric was up next and facing the defending U19 JCT champion who won at Penn last month. It was Eric’s first final since his sole U17 JCT victory in Baltimore and offered the chance to claim the coveted title of ‘Best Junior in the US’. His opponent hadn’t dropped a game until the semi finals and came in slightly fresher. It was the last match of the whole event and a good crowd stayed to watch the tantalizing match up which had divided opinions who the pre match favorite was! Eric began sluggishly and was disappointed to go 1-0 down. A effective change of strategy saw Eric slowly begin to implement his variation and unpredictability and completely turned the match around. He went 2-1 up and was completely in the driving seat. With the title within touching distance, Eric continued to perfectly execute and displayed nerves of steal, with the rally quality actually improving as he neared in on a 2nd JCT title.  He had 3 Championship Balls at 10-9, 11-10 and 12-11, but a combination of some extremely stubborn squash from his opponent and a clipped tin which would have won it saw Eric heartrendingly drop it 14-12. It was back to another fifth game shootout and his opponent used the energy and momentum gained from sneaking the 4th game to play a perfect 5th and unfortunately left Eric with the runners up trophy. A big step forward for Eric and despite the disappointment in losing a final, can be very proud of putting himself within 1 point of a championship. He’ll now be additionally motivated to put in a huge month of training before joining Shaam with the trio of events at the end of December/beginning of January. Eric turned 18 on Thursday and was holding off celebrations until after the tournament. Hopefully the Eagles can beat the Cowboys to start the party! 

Great event boys, both of you are truly deserved of your successes and are joint ‘Scozzie of the Week’ for Week 11 this season. 

Semi Finalists 

After Peter and Eric faced off in the All Scozzie Bu19 semi finals, Elle and Meghna became the 2nd All Scozzie match up in the GU19 3/4 play off. Elle managed to win her 4th 3/0 match of the tournament and can be really happy with her performance. Meghna played well against the top seed in the semi’s and can be proud of back to back JCT semi finals despite playing up an age group despite being eligible for U17s. Peter also came closer to cementing his place on Team USA for the World Juniors next summer in India after his 2nd semi final JCT appearance. He finished 4th to back up his Bronze Medal in Cincinatti.

Consolation Events

There was some excellent squash on show in the Consolation Events and Scozzie has some significant involvement. Maya had her best finish of the season with a top 12 placing in the GU15’s whilst still in her down year in the division. Kristen only just recently aged up and was tremendous in reaching top 16 of the U17 girls, her first JCT in that bracket. Devon had a huge upset victory in the GU15’s defeating an opponent ranked 0.3 above her and her ranking will be boosted by her top 16 finish. Winston like Devon and Maya is also in his down year, but also demonstrated abilities way beyond his years. After upsetting a top 16 seed in R1, he almost took out the reigning JCT champion in R2. His performance was phenomenal and he Carried that form through 2 additional rounds of Consols, before foot blisters ended his run whilst 2-0 up. Lauren was 2-1 up against a top 10 ranked opponent in the U17’s and lost out in a heartbreaking 11-9 deciding set. Abby and Alexis both won R1 in impressive style, but couldn’t quite replicate that fine form in the consols. Overall, everyone played above and represented a higher level of squash than their current ranking/rating suggests. It proves all the hard work is paying off and huge Scozzie inroads are being made into the elitist levels of US Junior Squash. 

Three JCT now completed and we continue our perfect record of bringing home a title from each of them. It was a great weekend of performances and development and the learning experiences will provide the perfect foundation to build from before next months US Open. Now it’s time for our favorite week of the year as all our Scozzie Alums Head back home for Thanksgiving. We can’t wait to catch up with everyone and see y’all back on court, before the highlighted annual Turkey Bowl on the 23rd where 15+ Scozzie Alums will take on the current crew of All Stars! The standings from the 3 previous years are 1 win each and then the famous tie of 2016! What will this year bring, we’re so excited just thinking about it!!! Come along at 10am to see all the action unfold! 

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