#shes gonna have some TRAUMA coming back
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
I love my dumb OCs so much ...
I think I have rambled about them before so to spare you! A tl;dr version that you can also skip:
Shilva can turn into a dragon. Vikrahm goes on an adventure and meets Pops. Pops is a famous dragonslayer who refuses to tell anyone his name and never collects reward money unless needed at that time. Shilva and Pops get married. They both do not tell Vik his name though so he resorts to a threat and is shocked when it actually works. "I didn't expect to get this far idk what to do now" kinda vibes.
#my characters#tbh the first one was actually drawn during the art stream last night but I didnt post it#i figured i could post it with the big pic and then hate coloring so much i opted for just doodles today#also the siblings just both have purple tongues and fangs and are not vampiric or anything#they just got fangs because i like em aesthetically#vik is such a funny gremlin to me cause he just does not inform anyone he travels with that he is fireproof#and his bff mage buddy specializes in fire magic#and vik is like hey hey can you teach me some fire magic please i think itd be super cool#and he sucks at magic RIP#he barely makes a flicker but it does come in handy once#also when vik says hes gonna play fetch since he can shoot farther its because as kids#he learned how to shoot a bow in order to play long distance fetch with a dragon (his sister)#cause she basically got the zoomies and flying helped soooo long distance fetch#shilva is a bundle of sunshine and i love her#me patting pops on the head - this old man can fit so much trauma in his life#he can take a threat of being called big brother and say that is the straw on the camels back#hes suffered enough dont make him suffer that
38 notes
·
View notes
Text
Maybe I’ll finally Wanze post soon
#as in a more official lore post like holt awol and sonderbar got#ALSO IM SO SO SORRY I STILL AM GONNA ANSWER THOSE INBOX ASKS J SWEAR#Wanze is on the mind there is bugs in my brain!!! wow just like holt huh#their relationship is wild to me they go from barely knowing each other (occasional hallway acquaintances)#to Wanze essentially having the equivalent of a bag of bricks dropped onto her head#which needs a little or a lot of patching up and Holt does that for her#actually hmmm I wonder if I should more visibly leave some marks of The Oopsie on her face#apart from the permanently broken biores crystals#gotta think on that…#anyway I was especially Thinkin about how Wanze really does resent Holt for a while#it’s complicated it’s not completely Holt’s fault#like she can’t control what happened she can’t bring back her bioresonance she’s a medical eule not a miracle worker#she’ll never really understand what it felt like to be part of that mind link#and that leads to some insensitivity on Holt’s part bc she’s really trying to keep Wanze from decommission here#and Wanze! why are you moping you gotta act normal!! Come on Wanze!#neither of them really get each other bc they’re both not stopping and listening like they need to#but they eventually do#also fun Wanze fact but post head trauma fixup she still has to/wants to go to the kolibri library#for stabilization yknow (she’s a nerdddd <3)#however it’s weird and she hates it bc her fellow kolibris are there.#she does not sing the same song anymore and sticks out like a sore thumb when they’re together now :(#she goes at really weird hours when no one else is there to make sure she doesn’t have to see them#Holt sometimes is able to get ahold of books for her#consider them cuddling together reading#that is all#blorbo tag#wanze#holt#Kolibug
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
they make me so
#tm#the way she immediately goes along with him there's no hesitation and then she immediately puts them in the same boat i want to scream#because there's a way to read this that it's actually too much faith; she trusts him and his methods - weird though they usually are -#maybe too much - the 'one day i'm gonna get fired because of you; that's just how it is' route#(which is like that excellent tag i saw - that lisbon's 'a rebel with the trauma of having to be responsible' -#like she likes breaking the rules and jane breaks them in fun ways (usually) and his rule-breaking gets results#- the 'people might ask why you signed on with me in the first place' bit alsosheskindofinlovewithhimnbd)#but on the other hand there is a bit of 'such little faith' too because yes he gets results but she knows firsthand (and repeatedly)#that he runs the risk of hurting - himself; others; her - while he gets those results#and she's putting them in the same boat she's making them equally responsible for anything that happens#*unequally actually she'd take the brunt of any punishment/backlash as they both know#and you COULD (and i do) see that as her trying (maybe unconsciously) to temper him; to pull him back from going TOO far#whatever you're doing you're not doing alone; remember this is on me now too don't go too far#CAN'T YOU SEE THERE'S PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU; WHO NEED YOU#and like does the tempering always work? no; obviously; for multiple reasons#but for her to - on whatever level - think that she would be enough FOR it to work? much to think about#(it's crazy how it's so clear that on some level they both know she's the most important person to him#but they're also just....tucking that fact away until a moment comes when they can actually think fully about what it means#(which would have to be post red john but also they're just avoidant bitches too afraid to look too close i love it)#anyway i'm back at work so i'm back to thinking too much about tv shows that ended 8 years ago it's so cool and stable#(also rigsby just going along with it too lkfasdj i just adore them)#FUCK THE END OF THE EPISODE BARK BARK I FEEL CRAZY#TERESA LISBON YOU'RE SO IMPORTANT TO ME LIKE SHIT
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
i am home
#⁽ ᴿᴼᴳᴱᴿ ⁾ . . . ‘ in relation to: post. ⁽ ᴼᵁᵀ ⁾#we are having#a not so funky mh day#i won't get into it but !!! past trauma !!! coming back !!! kickin my butt !!!#but my cat optionally climbed into my lap for the first time and then fell so#she made a BIG STEP and now she won't come back#we're just vibin we're gonna do some writing but#if anyone wants to chat silly on discord lmk lol
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m gonna be extremely honest, despite the fact that I Am tired of seeing that one speific trope being played out and we all know what I’m referring to here, I really liked this weeks Geats
(spoilers in the tags for this one)
#theres NO way sara is perma dead absolutely no way#i dont believe that for a second#do i think its stupid that she died to fuel keiwas pain? yes absolutely#but also!! god the rest of it makes so much sense and i liked it#michinaga forcing keiwa to live thru THE SAME TRAUMA HE DID AND THEN NOT FIGHTING BACK WHEN KEIWA ATTACKS HIM OVER IT...GOOD SHIT#EATING UP THE MISERY#and like listen. im So not surprised they went dark keiwa route and if we think this is permanent no its fuckin not#hes not a mega villain or some shit#but he is traumatized rn so of course hes gonna lash out#hes not a bad person he is just extremely human and his view goes Very narrow when it comes to sara#and who can blame him shes his only family#shes always been his selfish weak spot#beroba and kekera orchestrating all of this to get the entertainment they want is exactly what i expected and im not disappointed in it#ill have more thoughts later but thats my initial ones#kamen rider geats#geats spoilers#kief watches kr geats
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
i love how as you read more into tlt, the ninth house seems more and more normal. Like if i'm at an immoral evil government competition, and i use human fat as soap and animate skeletons to do menial labor, i'm gonna LOSE if my competition is the third house, represented by ianthe "who HASN'T eaten human flesh and fucked a corpse" tridentarius. My weird skeleton thing seems normal, suddenly. Well-adjusted, even. It's recycling. They're using resources in a sustainable way. Normal and regular and productive for a post-climate change apocalypse universe.
People go on and on about how Muir drops you into gtn hearing from the person who knows the least about whats happening, and does not hand hold the reader through the crazy shit that occurs, and that's all true. It truly is a crazy writing decision to make your first pov character come from the universe's equivalent of amish fundamentalists. But the reader is actually done a huge favor being dropped into the ninth house first, because we already understand that space is cold and what catholic nuns are, and what goths look like, and what lesbians are. Very little time is wasted in the first chunk of gtn ripping hair out of your head wondering what the fuck is going on, because for all of its strangeness, the ninth house is already the most familiar thing we're gonna get.
Because THEN we learn that this whole universe's medieval chivalry system is designed to groom people from CHILDREN to not only be exploited and used as human batteries for necromancers, but to LIKE it. to wax poetic about it. to confuse it for love, to write fucking academic papers about it! Then we learn about planet flipping, an act so horrific and violent it turns the planet's soul into a massive vengeful monster capable of killing GOD. Like what do you MEAN the animals "change"? Is this why noodle has six legs? I would MUCH prefer to wear skeleton makeup and repent forever if the alternative was to witness my family dog grow TWO EXTRA LIMBS because the planet he lived on fucking died. Suddenly, living in the asscrack of a planet where no light gets in seems like a sweet deal when the whole solar system is lit by a sun that MAKES YOU GO CRAZY. The ninth house's WORST sin, killing 200 babies to make Harrow, a waste of resources and an act so terrible it haunts Harrow for the entire span of her life, is like a BLIP compared to the death count Jod's empire. God even hears about it and he's like, no big deal! The cohort probably kills that amount of people in a DAY.
And its ALSO tragic because you realize that all of this trauma and abuse that Gideon goes through is not really because of the ninth house at all. It's really just an individual skill issue that she wasn't treated with compassion. Nobody hated her because she's jesus or a bomb, nobody even KNOWS she's a bomb. It's just Priamhark and Pelleamena being deeply guilty and scared people that motivates her treatment, and absolutely nothing else.
They did something bad, and they know it, and Gideon survived it, and they can't kill her to cover it up, and that's IT. They killed themselves for pride, because they were afraid of the consequences of their actions (both the baby killing and Harrow opening the tomb) coming back to bite them. You can argue this is the catholicism of it all, and I wouldn't say you're wrong, but compared to the cavalier system, where exploitation is in the very lining of the house's institutions, the ninth house is really removed from the space empire's blood factory. This is compared to the fourth house where they have tons of children to be CANNON FODDER to join the cohort at fucking 14, compared to the eight house uncle nephew fuckery, even the fifth house which actually does seems nice to live on but also seems to have the fourth house in some sort of fucked up political bear hug??? (maybe the fourth house has so many kids in order to fight the fifth's battles? which is EXACTLY what jod's whole empire is about; politely stirring your tea and acting nice while you destroy everything) compared to ALL OF THAT, the cruelty that Gideon faces is really more a bug of the ninth's system than a feature.
There's nothing baked into the culture and everyday life of the ninth house that necessitated that cruelty; in fact, for such a pragmatic and resource-scarce place, it's WEIRD that a strong able-bodied young person was treated like a waste of space and resources. It could just have easily not happened, if Harrow's parents had been different people. Maybe they were products of their environment, but so was Harrow, and she values Gideon's life SO MUCH that she'd literally rather carve out parts of her own brain than exploit her. Gideon grows up knowing really NOTHING about cavaliers, so remote from the horrors of the empire that she develops an idea of what the cohort is from porn magazines. And in a lot of ways, that upbringing was desolate and terrible, and in a lot of other ways it literally DID NOT HAVE TO BE.
Gideon's MAIN THING is that she wants to be useful, to be needed, to be loved and it SUCKS that she couldn't even get it in the one place where she was actually an invaluable resource, where the death empire had the weakest reach. Gideon can't even blame her lack of love on the fucked up chivalry system like everyone else can because it JUST WASNT REALLY RELEVENT!?!?! This is like if i rolled up to the trauma competition and everyone else was raised in a nuclear warzone by wolves or something and i grew up in like, the suburbs and was raised by teachers and i somehow STILL WON. truly what the fuck guys.
#tlt#the locked tomb#gideon the ninth#harrow the ninth#nona the ninth#tlt gender studies#none gender with left grief#the locked tomb trilogy
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
HCs of Sevika in Love ఌ
Congrats champ, you bagged a baddie!
**Reader is fem!
◈ ⁘ ⁘ ⁘ ⁘ ◈
◈ ⁘ ⁘ ⁘ ⁘ ◈
It's not that Sevika has crazy high standards. Her wants in a partner are actually very straightforward; it's just that most people lack the base integrity and self-accountability to even catch her attention in the first place
I really don't think she'd ever fall for anyone from Piltover, there's just too many generations of trauma accompanied by a life lived under their foot for her to get past. She loves Zaun too much to ever love anything to do with Piltover
That said, she's attracted to the ideals she associates with the Undercity; perseverance, strength (doesn't have to mean physical), adaptability and loyalty. If you have her love, you most certainly earned it bae
For her, it's probably an "oh shit"/"oh no" type of singular moment, when she realizes she's fallen in love
Either you got hurt or in some position where her true feelings were forced out of her, OR it's during an achingly soft moment where it's clear how loyal/devoted you are to her, and only her.
Absolutely spends months denying herself. She will try to distance, reasoning that you're both better off without the notion of love walling you in.
Zaun is no place for that, she thinks. She recalls Felicia and her husband, dying together on that bridge while a twenty-something year-old Sevika, at the time, watched them fall.
The pain to know you couldn't save your loved one in your final moments (even worse to leave two young children behind). She couldn't imagine it. Didn't want to. Sevika knew that her road would end at a violent last stop, and she didn't want you anywhere near that. She thinks about having met you in a different place.
…But she can't fully hide how she feels about you, not ever. She may oftentimes be rough and ruthless, but even at her worst moment Sevika isn't a cold individual. She's too passionate about you, cares too deeply for where you are and how you are
So when you show up at her apartment to yell at her for being so cruel, for shutting you out of her heart instead of being a grown-ass woman and telling you what the fuck you did wrong, she lets you.
She lets you yell until you've tired yourself out, and then she pulls you into that embrace you missed so much. You hit her shoulder or her chest, weakly, because you love her like crazy and never wanna actually hurt her, and tell her to fuck off.
"I didn't wanna push you away, dumbass," she'll say to you, softly, as she presses a kiss to your ear, "You think I don't want you with me all the time? To tell you I love you and shit without it coming back to bite us in the ass? Of course I do. Of course I do. I just… I don't know how. But I'm gonna fuckin' learn, doll. I promise."
"You… you love me? Really?" "Doll, I don't even let Silco talk to me like that." "You asshole-!"
You're mad, but not really. How can you be? You two will make this work, she already gave you her word.
It's more likely for you to move in with her than vice versa. She lets you go ham on adding your personality to her living space, she doesn't have any strong preferences besides cleanliness
Always says I love you before she goes to work. Just in case. If you mess with her and don't say it back, she will get up in arms about it within two seconds of silence
"I could die, you know." "Babe, I'm just joking!" "Do you see me laughing??"
Obviously, lets her drama queen side show more. She's just all-around looser once she confesses.
She makes sure you know how different you are from others, how special you are. Even her posture is different the moment you're within arm's reach
Body language and physicality are Sevika's main fluency. When in love, you notice the way she angles her body protectively around yours in public, or how she always urges you to link your arm with hers when you walk.
You notice that she almost looks… smaller at home. You realize this is on purpose. She makes herself less intimidating when it's just you, lowering herself to your level and opening her posture to you
At home, she likes kneeling by your side when you're sitting on the couch, checking you over or pressing slow kisses to your hands.
Devoted, devoted, devoted. She never wants you to forget.
Every time you call her name, she always stops what she's doing to give you her attention.
"Sevi?" "Yes, baby?" Every time. It's grounding for you both, in a way
Her henchmen become your henchmen. They know better than to say no to your requests for their help. (Ran is down for antics with you regardless!!)
People all over the Undercity start to recognize you as "Sevika's woman". Not her "girl", you garner too much respect for that
You are the only person Sevika answers to besides Silco. Her close circle teases her that you turn her into a little lovestruck puppy
It's really only them who are even capable of teasing her about this, because her changes in behavior are so minute but so important
She puts out her cigarillos when you sit down with her. She always shifts you over to her left side (the side most capable of protecting you). Her eyes start scanning the room more frequently than before you'd arrived.
She figures out over time that she was wrong. When she holds you against her while you sleep, and you grab her hand half-consciously to press kisses to her wrist, she knows you don't make her weak
When you whisper that you love her against her neck while you sway in the kitchen, moving to whatever music vibrates from the depths of her beloved city, she knows you don't make her weak
When you pull her back together without fail, remind her that she is more than just a grunt in a revolution, a soldier that can be replaced, she knows you don't make her weak
There isn't anything she wouldn't do to get back to you. She has to live long enough to know what a good life in a liberated Zaun looks like with you
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
making the bed |carmen berzatto x reader| part one
prompt: carmen's stressed. food critics, a newborn baby, balancing work life and married life and now dad life; he's bound to break, everyone knows it. but no one ever thought he'd lash out on you.
or, part one of the devastation fic. based off this ask from the other day. two more parts to come.
contains: mega angst. mega angst, with no resolution in this part. hurt, no comfort (in this chapter, will be later in part 3). mean!carmen, very mean. mom!reader x dad!carmen with newborn teddy. fighting, language, carmen says mean stuff he doesn't mean. past mentions of trauma, family trauma, mikey mentioned. very angsty and a little heavy, please read at your own discretion. word count- 3.5k+.
"Are you ok?"
Carmen now understood why that phrase used to send Donna into such a blind rage, lips pursing and jaw clenching more and more every time he heard it. First at work, then with you, it felt never ending.
It was beginning to feel like critic season with how many were coming in, snooty and demanding to be impressed. It couldn't have come at a worst time, right in the middle of busy season with the start of the holidays. Days at The Bear were filled with frantic panic, running around, making sure everything was perfect, accounted for, and Carmen always had the sinking feeling it wasn't- that he'd forgotten something, messed something up.
It wasn't rare for him to work himself up like this, a normal that you always warned him about, but he'd always had a solitude. As long as he'd known you, he'd had a place to go, to unwind, to let himself rest and reset with you. And he still did, it was just shared now with a newborn.
Dorothea Michelle. Teddy, for short. The light of his life, yours too. Nearly two months old with a set of lungs that sounded much louder, much more developed than that. Nights were long, sleepless, spent trying to lull Teddy back to sleep, awake even if he wasn't up with her. Carmen couldn't allow himself the selfishness to relax, to rewind, to "take it easy" like everyone told him to. At work, he was the boss; at home, he was a dad.
"Fuck, fuck," Carmen's sleepy stare was broken by a lick of bubbling heat, the lamb's roux popping with the high heat, splashing all over Carmen's chef whites.
"Jeff, c'mon," Tina clicked, shaking her head, moving the pan to lower heat. "What're you doin'?"
Carmen grit his teeth, snatching a rag off the stainless steel counter tops, scrubbing the burgundy stain, huffing when it only spread the stain.
"What happened?" Sydney turned, looking from the burnt sauce to Carmen's stained chef shirt. "Oh,"
"Do we have a spare coat?" Carmen huffed, throwing the rag down with a firm smack against the counter.
"I don't think so, Carm." Sydney shook her head. "You took the last ones home with you two days ago. The wine-"
"-I know, Chef, I know." Carmen snapped, running a hand through his hair. "Fuck, I-I can't fuckin' serve the critics lookin' like this. With shit all over me- fuck."
"Hey, easy, easy," Richie turned the corner, his hands held up. "What's goin' on?"
"Jeff got sauce over him. He doesn't have any clean clothes." Tina muttered, irritated that she had to fix his mess, more irritated that he wasn't taking care of himself. You have a baby, Jeff, you need to rest and take some time, she'd told him. Carmen only waved her off.
"Okay, okay, hey, that's no problem." Richie's voice raised, lifting over Carmen's. "You go home and change, get your spare, check on my beautiful goddaughter, and then come back with your A game. Yes?"
Carmen didn't even humor him with a snarky remark, yanking his coat off and stomping towards the office to grab his things. Richie and Tina looked at each other, shaking their head gently.
"Kids runnin' thin, T." Richie muttered with a sigh. "He's gonna break. It's gonna be bad."
"Yeah, he is. Gonna wear himself out before then." Tina shook her head. "Jeff needs a vacation." They both jumped at the slamming of the backdoor, Carmen's angry exit shaking the foundation.
"Needs to be fuckin' medicated. Fuckin' lunatic." Richie scoffed, rolling his eyes at Carmen's dramatics.
The drive home was filled with silence, Carmen's iron grip on the wheel, tearing through the traffic towards the house- his house, his home.
Home, but it didn't provide the same comfort that it usually did. Carmen's shoulders still stayed tense, buzzing with rage, not dissipating when he thought of you, or of Teddy, knowing you'd both be there, excited to see him.
You jumped at the sound of the car door slamming, peeking out the window to see Carmen's parked next to yours, furiously stomping up the front steps. You frowned, grabbing the baby monitor, walking towards the front door.
Carmen nearly hit you with how fiercely he flung the door open. "Woah," You reached for the door, stopping it before he could flick it shut. "Carm, don't slam it. Teddy's asleep. I just got her down." You frowned at him, shutting it slowly.
Carmen looked at you but didn't speak, looking through you with a rage that had your spine tingling before he finally broke his gaze, stomping towards the laundry room. "Carm? What’re you doing home? Don’t you have dinner soon?" You hesitated slightly, lingering in the doorway with an uncertainty you hadn’t felt with Carmen before.
Carmen didn’t answer, his jaw still ground tight while he rummaged through the clean clothes, carelessly unfolding and shifting the folded clothes.
"Carmen," You said more firmly, caching his gaze. He didn't speak still, just stared at you- through you. "Are you ok?" You lifted a brow, features softening in worry.
Carmen paused, eyes closing, shoulders tensing in agitation. Are you ok? His ears rang, a familiar rage that he hadn't felt in years bubbling up deep in his chest. Frustrated and blinding and rampant, heat rushing through his veins, pulling himself further and further from reality into someplace different- someplace darker in his mind.
"What's wrong?" You pressed, he could barely hear it, ears ringing at your question. "Did something happen? Did the critic come-"
"-Where's my chef whites?" Carmen barked, cutting you off, his chest tightening more and more with every heavy heave of his chest. You flinched at his tone.
"Uh, I-I haven't seen the whites. I washed your white tee-"
“-You what? Y-You what?” Carmen spat, eye widening with a wild, raged glint in his eye. Your stomach flipped and fell with fear, stepping back instinctively.
“I-I washed your tee, Carm, that’s all that you left in the laundry basket-”
"-Are you fucking kidding me?" Carmen boomed, his head spinning, body buzzing with rage. Your breath hitched, frozen in fear at the anger in his tone, the roar of his voice bouncing off the walls, echoing through your ears in a painful drum.
Carmen moved, snatching the dirty clothes basket, dumping it into the ground with a shake until the dirty chef coat fell on top. He gripped the basket, flinging it across the room with a hard throw. The final push to his bad mood that sent him right over the edge, crashing into a pit of blinding fury, aggravation, breaking him from the inside out.
"Fuck!" Carmen roared, his voice shaking the walls, your breath leaving your lungs in a trembling exhale of fear. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! This is- This is- Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me?”
You tensed in shock, gripping the baby monitor in fear, maybe surprise, as it started to buzz to life with Teddy's startled whimpers. Her small cries pulled you out of your frozen state, something deeper than fear replacing the ache in your stomach.
"Carmen-" You gaped, voice wobbling with uncertainty, taking slow shuffled steps towards the stairs. “Carmen, calm-calm down. Ok? Calm down.”
“Calm down? You want me to fuckin’ calm down?” Carmen sneered, an angry red flush blossoming in splotchy deep hues up his neck, towards his cheeks. “You don’t do shit, nothin’ that I fuckin’ ask for! Just sit around all fuckin’ day an-and I’m supposed to calm down?”
“Carmen,” Your voice wobbled, throat tight with tears, hurt and fear strangling your words. “I-You didn’t ask me to wash them. I-I didn’t know. They weren’t in the hamper-”
“-I shouldn’t have to ask you to wash them!” Carmen roared, eyes so wide you thought they might pop right out of his head, neck vein protruding on exemplifying his rage. “You know what I’m going through! You know how much fuckin’ stress I’m under! I go to that-that shit hole, an-and work my fuckin’ ass off so you don’t have to! Then I come home, and I-I can’t even get a second of peace!”
“Stop,” You hiss, finally regaining your composure, his words fully sinking into you now, feeling the full effect of them. “I-I just had a baby. I’m still on maternity leave taking care of a baby- our baby, and I’m tired too. But I’m not yelling at you-”
“-Oh, right. Right.” Carmen laughs sarcastically, humorless as he runs his hand down his face. It felt mocking, left you feeling small and too vulnerable for your liking. “Because in between your napping an-and feeding, you couldn’t stick a fucking jacket in the wash, right? You’re so busy.”
“What is wrong with you?” You snap, hoping he can’t hear the tears in your voice, the way your voice shakes with emotion.
“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?” Carmen scoffs, throwing his hands out. “I get no fuckin' sleep, go work my fuckin' ass off, a-and then I come home so I can go back and work my ass off some more, and-and you can’t do one simple fuckin’ thing? You can’t help me out? And then you wanna know what’s wrong with me? When you sit on your ass all fuckin’ day-”
Teddy’s piercing wail pulls you out of your shocked trance, nose and throat burning with hurt filled tears you refuse to shed. Instead, you turn, climbing the stairs on shaky legs, the sound of Teddy’s cries growing louder and louder. Anchovy watches you from the top of the stairs, sensing the tension, your upset, sliding against your leg as if to comfort you.
Carmen scoffs, hands buzzing and trembling with rage, the ringing in his ears growing louder and louder with each of your footsteps on the stairs and down the hall. He can barely hear Teddy’s sobs, hands threading through his hair, pulling at his scalp. He sees you walk towards the bedroom, quickly, hugging Teddy to your chest.
“Oh, don’t go fuckin’ do it now!” Carmen roared, your ignoring him only infuriating him further. “It won’t be ready in time now. I’ll just look like a fuckin’ idiot for the critic tonight! Not that you care! Why would you, huh? I-I mean just our livelihood, just our fuckin’ income!”
You swallowed back your tears, head tilting towards the ceiling, hands shaking with every shove of your things into the overnight bag. Just enough to get you through the night, the next day. A few essentials, Teddy’s spare onesies, a charger, your wallet- you stopped mid-shove of your items into the weekender bag, the sun’s rays catching in your wedding ring. Your heart fell, more and more, you weren’t sure how that was even possible.
Carmen’s furious voice was still booming from downstairs, ringing and shaking in his furious fit. Richie and Sugar both warned you about Carmen’s tantrums, brought them up to embarrass him, tease him about it until he was red faced and hissing hushed threats at them. You never, never in your wildest dreams thought you’d be on the receiving end of one.
You jumped, another slam of something Carmen had thrown, maybe hit in a fit of rage, causing Teddy to wail louder, Anchovy skittering nervously away. Tears leaked out of your eyes, twisting the ring off your finger, setting it on Carmen’s bedside table. Pulling the carrier out of the closet, Anchovy got in much easier than usual, which you were thankful for.
Carmen was gripping the marble of the countertop when he heard you again, walking from the bottom of the stairs, quick steps towards the door to the garage, Teddy’s voice nearly hoarse from her crying. You kept your head high, tunnel-visioned towards your car, ignoring his heavy breathing and frantic pacing.
“Wha-What are you doin’?” Carmen’s voice was softer now, still with a jagged edge that was cutting and harsh. The car door opened, the baby carrier hooked into the car seat.
“Hey, wha- what are you- where’re you goin’? What’re you doin’?” Carmen’s heart dropped in a damning rush of hour, stumbling on heavy legs towards the garage. You ignored him, shushing Teddy gently, running a calming hand over her wet cheek, trying to coax her paci into her mouth.
“Baby, no-no, no. Hey, no, I-I- What-” Carmen’s chest felt tight, mind numbing and racing, stuttering nervously. You reached for your bag, his hand reaching to grab the strap. “Whe-Where’re you-”
“-Don’t touch me.” You hissed, teeth bared, eyes shining with tears. Carmen flinched, pulling his hand back like he’d touched a hot stove. “Don’t you dare fucking touch me.” You sneered, pinning him with a watery glare that had his stomach turning in sickening fear.
“Baby, hey, w-wait-C’mon, d-don’t-You don’t, you don’t need to do this, ok? I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Carmen choked out the words, frantic and unsure, his hands shaking when they ghosted over you back just for a moment. Wanting to touch you, to hold you, to grab you and keep you from leaving, but too scared to. Instead, he grabbed the car door you flung open, holding it when you tried to yank it closed.
“Let go.” You hissed, sniffling back wet, snotty tears of fury and hurt.
“Please, don’t-do-don’t do this. Please, baby, I-I’m sorry.” Carmen begged, blue eyes deepening with the burning red hues of tears, bloodshot and lashes wet. “Don’t-Don’t do this-”
“-I didn’t do this.” You sneered, leaving Carmen flinching at your words. “Don’t you dare try to say this was me. After how you just talked to me? The shit you said to me in there? You think I’m going to stay?” Your voice cracked with emotion, lips pressing together to keep a cry in.
“No, no, no, no, no, baby, please. Please, ju-just come inside. Come inside, please? Please, don’t-”
“You don’t get to talk to me like that. To say that kinda stuff to me. That hurt, Carmen. That was mean.” You glared at him, tears leaking out of the corner of his eyes. “I don’t care if you’re stressed. I don’t care what’s going on- nothing, and I mean nothing, warrants you talking to me like that. Just because you fucked up, because you forgot to ask me to do it, because you’re stressed out- I don’t care what it is. You don’t talk to me like that, say those things when I’ve been home all day taking care of my ch- our child.” You nod back towards the sniffling baby, whimpering and crying half heartedly, her little eyelids drooping with sleep that was interrupted.
Carmen felt sick, his knees tightening in fear, he was sure they might give out, that he might fall to the ground right there. Looking at the tiny baby, lip jutted and shaking in the mirror hooked on the back of the seat, then back at you, eyes red-rimmed and glaring at him with a hurt filled anger.
“Don’t-” Carmen’s chest shook, a white-knuckled grip on the door.
Your own hand curled around the door’s inner handle, yanking it away from him. “Move,” You hissed, pulling again.
Carmen wasn’t sure why he let it go, why he let you shut it, locking the door in case he tried to open it again. Why he let you pull out of the driveway, why he didn’t stop you, why he didn’t run after you, only taking soft shuffles down the drive like a zombie as you drove away. Standing in the drive, Carmen swallowed down the spit that pooled in his mouth, stomach churning, sure he was going to be sick.
He managed to trudge back to the garage, mind racing and far away, the ringing in his ears dulling but still deafening. It felt like he was in a dream- a nightmare, a hallucinating trance that felt like a sick, sick dream- Carmen was hoping it was. That he’d wake up and find you next to him asleep. That he could hug you, pull you into him, nose buried in your neck, still warm from your slumber.
As the sun began to sink low into the sky, minutes turning into hours that Carmen sat motionless in the garage, staring in a trancelike state, he realized that this wasn’t a dream or a nightmare. No this was his reality, a horrific reality that he’d made into his own. Carmen sat, eyes trained on the concrete of the garage, voice racing and blending in his mind- his words, yours, Teddy’s cries, Natalie and Richie’s, flashbacks of his mother screaming fits.
He didn’t move, frozen in chilling, eerie fear. What ifs and terrifying possible scenarios, consequences to his own actions that left him feeling sick, hands trembling. A spiraling of fears that only drug him deeper and deeper with every haunting replay of his outburst. Even the flashing of headlights turning into the driveway, filling the garage with light, didn’t pull him from his trance.
“The fuck is he- Cousin!” Richie roared, laying on the horn. Carmen didn’t move, didn’t acknowledge that he heard it, only stared. Richie frowned, turning the car off, throwing the door open.
“Cousin? Carm? What-What are you doin’? Dinner service started an hour ago. Syd is freakin’ the fuck out.” Richie threw his hands up, walking towards the man who still didn’t move. Richie’s heart skipped, flashbacks of Mikey flooding into his vision, parallels of the two brothers blurring before him.
“Yo, Carm, you-you good?” Richie stepped into the garage, his spine tingling with icy fear. It was quiet, an eerie, unsettling quiet. “Cousin, hey, what-what’s wrong?”
Carmen's chest rose and fell, tighter and tighter. He was suffocating, head spinning and mind racing so fast he felt light headed. He could barely hear Richie’s voice over the noise in his head, Richie’s hand shaking his shoulder finally breaking his trance enough to meet his eyes, rounded in fear filled question.
“Carmen, what’s wrong? Is it- Don’t fuckin’ tell me it’s the baby. What the fuck is goin’ on-”
“-She left.” Carmen’s voice shook, raspy and scared. His tongue still felt too thick, head still spinning. He wasn’t even sure he said it, Richie’s widening eyes the only thing confirming that he had said it.
“What? Who-Who left? Who?” Richie looked around, like the clues might be there, sure that Carmen wasn’t talking about you. No, he wouldn’t- he couldn’t. Not you.
Carmen’s breath hitched, a strangling of a sob caught in his throat, running his hand over his face. Richie didn’t miss the way it trembled, shaking even as it rested over his eyes. Your car was gone, the house too quiet, no baby Teddy crying, nothing but silence was left.
Richie’s heartbeat crawled into a rapid, scared pace. “Why? Wh-Why would she-” Richie looked at Carmen, eyes wide but still, reading his expression. “No. No, Cousin, no. What-What did you do? Carmen,” Richie grabbed both his shoulders, shaking him lightly until he met his gaze. “What did you do?”
Carmen’s face began to crack, behind his eyes, Richie could see flashbacks of something- something he didn’t know what, but whatever it was, it was painful. That was evident by the fear that glossed over Carmen’s eyes, realization and horror. Carmen’s shoulders shook, frame rocking with a sob he tried to swallow, but couldn’t. Deep cries, guttural sobs breaking out of his frame, heels of his hands pressed to his eyes, fingers curled and clenched around his greasy curls in agony.
The damning realization flooded over him, that you’d left.
You’d left, you’d taken Teddy, taken Anchovy- you’d left because he’d driven you away. His angry outburst, petulant, mean, hurtful- he’d been so cruel to you. You. His wife, the love of his life, mother of his child, the one person who loved him endlessly without stipulations or boundaries, the one person who truly understood him.
And he’d driven you away.
He wished he could blame his mom, his dad, his family for fucking him up so severely, maybe Mikey, even, for leaving him the shit show that was the restaurant, making his anxieties worse and fuse shorter. But sitting in the empty garage, Richie standing above him in silent shock, his sobs and angry sniffles echoing off the cement floor, Carmen knew he had no one to blame but himself.
He’d fucked up. Really fucked up. Fucked up in a way that made all the other times look obsolete.
Carmen had fucked up, and for once, he didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t avoid it, ignore it, deflect it like other times. Half hearted apologies and promises of change wouldn’t work, you weren’t here for him to even try to give them to you, and he didn’t know where you went.
Carmen wasn’t sure where you went, how to fix this, why he’d done what he did, and a million other things that raced through his mind. What he did know, sitting in the too quiet garage, chest stuttering with heaving cries, was that he’d do anything.
Anything, to get you back home. To make it right. To fix this and make it up to you.
He wasn’t sure how, but he’d give up everything. Anything. His restaurant, his dreams, his hopes, his life, at this point, to make it up to you.
#thebearer#bearblahs#carmen berzatto#carmen berzatto x reader#the bear#carmy berzatto x reader#carmy berzatto#dad!carmen berzatto#dad!carmen berzatto x mom!reader#carmen berzatto angst#carmen berzatto x reader angst#dorothea “teddy” berzatto#carmen 'carmy' berzatto#the bear fic#tina the bear#richie jerimovich#camren berzatto x female!reader#carmen berzatto x female!reader#carmen berzatto x pregnant reader#carmen berzatto x pregnant!reader#carmen berzatto x you#carmen berzatto x fem!reader angst#the bear angst#the bear fanfiction#the bear hulu#the bear fx#carmen berzatto fic#carmen berzatto fanfiction#natalie berzatto#sugar berzatto
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
“I can’t believe you’re squatting in an occupied house, Danny. That’s… actually isn’t that also breaking and entering? That’s a crime, isn’t it?”
“One, at least I don’t have to pay rent and/or utilities. Two, Tim let me stay. And three, I’m a vigilante. Breaking and entering is like the basics of being one. Also, they’re paying me now. This is a legit job now!”
Jazz sighed and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Whatever, dumbass. Where is Tim, anyways?”
“He’s in bed.”
“Really?” Jazz raised an eyebrow and rested a hand on her hip. “Then what’s that?”
Danny whirled around, making eye contact with a frozen Tim.
“Ahah-”
Danny groaned, cutting Tim’s awkward laughter and no-doubt bullshit excuse.
“Kid, Tim, we talked about this.”
“It’s for the aesthetics!” Tim protested, the argument well worn, but obligingly stepping away from the window sill.
Danny shot Jazz a disgruntled look when she muttered, “Well, doesn’t that sound familiar.”
“It’s a school night, Tim.” Danny crossed the room, ushering Tim away from the door. The halfa could probably put down professional babysitter on his resume. If he could handle Tim “climb out of windows” Drake and Tim “sleeps in hard to reach places” Drake in the same day, he could handle anything.
Tim puffed up, like a disgruntled kitten. “Robin gets to go out on a school night! And he’s my age! Kinda! And at least I’m not fighting criminals!”
Again, this is an argument they’ve had multiple times.
“Not for a lack of trying,” Danny muttered, rolling his eyes when Jazz snickered. He made the mistake of looking down at Tim’s convincing little sad kitten act and sighed. “Alright, alright. We get two hours of batwatching, then you go to sleep.”
“Deal!” Tim cheered. Jazz grinned, mouthing ‘weak’ at Danny, who promptly made like his high school self and ignored her.
“Go get your jacket. And some thicker socks, you’re gonna freezing out there.”
“Okay!!”
When Tim was out of earshot, excitedly thundering down the lavish hallway, Jazz tilted her head back and laughed.
“Oh, shut up.”
“How the tables have tabled, huh, Danny?” Jazz snickered.
“You think you got jokes,” Danny pointed at her with a new mug of coffee. “Laugh it up, but don’t forget that you’re his older sister now too.”
Jazz paled. “Oh, shit.”
“Yeah, that’s right. Now you gotta deal with two of us!”
“Two of who?” Tim returned, bundled up in a fancy puffy jacket. Jazz cooed at him, kneeling down to zip his jacket up. Danny, echoing her, magically grabbed a scarf and wrapped around Tim.
“Us, her little brothers. Unfortunately, you’re now our little brother and that means Jazz is gonna mother you like you’re a baby duck.”
Danny ducked the half hearted smack Jazz sent his way, grinning at Tim. The kid had a self conscious smile on his face, bashful at the unprecedented (for him) attention and affection. Danny’s smile tightened when Tim looked at Jazz for confirmation (which she gave). If it weren’t for the fact that Tim loved his parents, Danny would have spirited (hah!) the kid away. He’s like a textbook case of neglect. It’s why he keeps trying to sneak out in ways that’ll easily get him caught. He’s trying to test if Danny would get mad and leave-
“Oh my god. I’m turning into you, Jazz.” Danny said, horrified.
“What?” Jazz narrowed her eyes once the statement sunk in. “What’s wrong with being more like me? I can actually process my emotions in a timely manner, thanks.”
Danny, stuck in the horror of understanding someone’s motivations and processing some of his own trauma, shuddered.
Danny picked up Tim and swung him onto his shoulders. “C’mon, Timmy. Let’s get out of here before Jazz gives us germs.”
“Oh, that’s real rich coming from the greasiest vigilante this side of the river.”
“Not true! Green Arrow’s greasier!”
“Eh, he doesn’t count. He’s in Oregon or something, right?”
“Who cares? I wanna see Robin!” Tim wriggled, placing his heavy ass camera on Danny’s head. “He’s a new Robin! The first one moved to Blüdhaven!”
“To be a cop, right?” Danny asked.
“Yeah. It’s… not great. And kinda ironic.”
“ACAB.”
——
Batman snuck closer to the glowing green figure that was glancing around the rooftops. He’s glad he sent Robin home hours ago, because variables in Gotham tended to be dangerous.
He dropped to a crouch behind the figure, who turned around as soon as he did, looking unsurprised. The being had enhanced hearing then, if not enhanced everything else.
“There you are!” The being scowled at him, but Bruce couldn’t detect any actual hostility. Only weariness. “I’ve been looking for you for ages.”
Nevertheless, he hadn’t survived this long by being careless.
“What is your business in Gotham?” He deepened his voice, adding enough gravel to sound mildly threatening.
The being shook their head, white hair unnaturally waving in the air. Like it was under water.
“I live here. I have a bone to pick with you.” Batman loosened his stance, readying to move.
“Can you keep Robin in on school nights?! If you can’t, can’t you make him go home sooner? My kid brother keeps trying to sneak out of the house to imitate Robin and it’s killing me! Do you know how many times I’ve had to stop him from climbing out of the window? We live on the third floor, man!”
A frazzled older brother. Batman-Bruce grimaced. He couldn’t stop Jason anymore than this being could. Also, “You live here?”
The being scowled, looking defensive. “Why, I can’t? Are you being discriminatory? Because I refuse to take shit from a grown man in a bat-sona.”
“…A bat-what?”
The being sighed. “Nevermind. Yes. I live here. My name is Phantom.”
“Don’t cause any trouble.” Batman warned before hesitating. The being was young, that was clear. He kind of reminded Bruce of Dick, and it made Batman’s tone soften. “And I will try. Robin is resolute.”
Phantom dropped his glowing face into his hands, a move Bruce often wanted to mirror.
“Yeah, tell me about it.”
——
Sorry guys I really like tired babysitter brother Danny and unnecessarily jumping out of windows Tim. This is before Tim decided to be a vigilante. This is after Dick moves out.
#batman#danny phantom#dcxdp#tim drake#bruce wayne#dc x dp#green arrow slander#for Roy!#but also Tim green arrow copied Batman just a lil#his respect for Ollie went down after Ollie’s less successful playboy billionaire act
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
Kabru, impossible mutual understanding & unknowable objects
Despite his concerted and constant efforts to understand other people, it’s established in a few extras that Kabru believes that true mutual understanding between certain different races is impossible. Specifically, between long-lived and short-lived races, and between humans and demi-humans. Partially, we can trace this conviction back to specific hang-ups caused by his life; the trauma of the Utaya disaster, prejudices he carries from his childhood, and his experience of racism among the elves. In this “little” essay, I’m gonna discuss how I think those experiences formed this belief, how it comes out in his actions, and how some of his actions seem to contradict it. The question of whether it’s possible to reach mutual understanding with other living beings despite our differences is one of the core themes of the manga, and I’ll also touch on how this aspect of Kabru’s character links to that.
Seeking understanding
Kabru is a character who devotes a huge amount of time and effort to understanding people, and he is very good at it. In his internal monologue, we can tell how advanced and complex his skills of analysis are. He is able to read a huge amount of information just from looking at people's faces and body language.
People are, to him, what monsters are to Laios. This is something that's been expanded on at length in other, excellent meta. It's the fact that they're foils; it's the fact that Kabru is also very easy to read as autistic, with a special interest which is the opposite and parallel of Laios'. It's something that came out of trauma and alienation, as Laios' special interest in monsters also began as a coping mechanism.
The complicated origin of this "love" for monsters and for people comes through, I think, in the fact that one of the places we see both characters use their fixation is in being very, very good at killing the thing that they love. This also ties into the idea that loving something isn't even remotely mutually exclusive with using it to sustain your own survival; using it for your own purposes; hurting it or killing it. Love can be, and often is, violent, possessive and consumptive. This understanding is part of what makes Kui's depiction of interpersonal relationships so compelling to me.
While Laios fixated on monsters and animals to seek a place of escape, in both his imagination and his self-image, from the humans who he couldn't understand and who couldn't understand him, Kabru seems to have fixated on understanding people in order to navigate the complex, socially marginal places that he has been forced into throughout his life. As an illegitimate child raised by a single mother with an appearance that marked him out as different to the point his father's family wanted to kill him, and a tallman child raised among elves who didn't treat him as fully human and wanted him to perform gratefulness for that treatment – treatment that, after he met Rin at age 9, he certainly always understood could be a lot worse – his ability to work out what people wanted from him, whether they were friendly or hostile or had ulterior motives, wasn’t just an interest. It will have been an essential skill.
Milsiril, I think, was a flawed parent who tried to do her best by Kabru and did a lot of harm to him despite her best intentions. She may have treated him much better than an average elf would have, but like Otta and Marcille's mother, there are other elves with different outlooks on short-lived races. How would they judge her treatment of him? We don’t have any insight on what it could be, but to be honest, the person’s whose opinion of her I’d be most interested in knowing is Rin’s.
But even if she'd been perfect, living as an trans-racial adoptee in a deeply hierarchical nation with a queen who is a 'staunch traditionalist' who wouldn't even acknowledge the existence of a half-elf like Marcille (according to Cithis) is an experience that would deeply impact anyone.
Elves & Impossible mutual understanding
While Kabru was living with Milsiril - in other words, while living in the Northern Central Continent - he came to believe that "there was no way to achieve mutual understanding with the long-lived races."
This is evident in his political project: he wants short-lived races to have ownership over the dungeon's secrets. Despite his dislike of the Lord of the Island, he's a useful bulwark to stop the elves taking over. Despite his doubts about Laios, Laios needs to be the one to defeat the dungeon, because if he doesn't the elves will take over.
Kabru still carries a deep scar from Utaya, one that was exacerbated by the fact that he never got an answer to any of his questions about what happened or why. This, despite the fact that Milsiril knows about the demon and how it works. Do you think Kabru, with his social perceptiveness that borders on the superhuman, wasn't aware that she knew more than she would tell him?
Given that, the fact that he gets to a place where he "doesn't have any particularly negative feelings about [elves/long-lived species]" .... well, to put it bluntly, I believe that he thinks that's the case, but I kind of doubt it. After all, if he did have resentment, of Milsiril (someone who was his primary provider and caretaker since age six, and who despite her flaws, loves him and who I do think he loves) or of elves (who he has had to play nice with for most of his life, in order to survive, and will still have to play nice with in order to achieve his goals, since they hold all the power) what would that do except hurt him and make his life harder? Kabru is Mr. Pragmatic, so I don't think he'd let himself acknowledge any such feelings he did have. Exactly because he can't acknowledge them, they're well placed to get internalised as beliefs about the Fundamental Unchangeable Nature of the World.
However, these stated beliefs seem to contradict his actions. Despite his belief in the impossibility of forming a mutual understanding, he certainly seems to try to understand long-lived people, just as much as he does short-lived people. There's no noticeable difference between his treatment of Daya & Holm versus Mickbell & Rin that isn't clearly down to their relationship with him. His skills of human analysis were honed and developed while living amongst elves, and as soon as he's alone with Mithrun he immediately sets to understanding him - his interests, his motivations, his needs, and his past.
He treats him considerately and without bias, and despite the fact that Mithrun conquering the dungeon for the elves is both a reenactment of a core part of his childhood trauma and a political disaster for his aims, that doesn't seem to colour his perspective on Mithrun negatively at all.
This is something I find extremely laudable about Kabru, and it's another way he parallels Laios. He seems to understand that people, as a rule, (in Laios' case, he understands this about monsters - and eventually, all living beings) will act in their own interests, and if those interests conflict with yours, might harm you. But that's just their nature, and it's not something that should be held against them; you're also doing the same thing, after all. The crux of Laios' arc is precisely that he has to accept the responsibility of hurting someone else in order to achieve what he wants.
Kabru is deeply concerned with his own morals, what he should and shouldn't do, but mostly in the context of responsibility for the consequences - a responsibility he takes onto himself. He isn't scrupulous about what he needs to do in order to create the outcome he wants, but if he fails to create that outcome, then....
He blames himself to the point of thinking he should die. He doesn't blame Laios, or seem at all angry with him, despite concluding he should have killed him to prevent this outcome. That's because in his eyes, ultimately Laios was going to act according to his own nature, and it's Kabru's fault for not understanding that nature well enough. He's extremely confident in his ability to understand and predict others, (including elves and other long-lived people). Then, where does his conviction that mutual understanding is impossible come from?
Partially, it's the "mutual" part. I'm sure Kabru, who isn't able or willing to deny Otta's insinuation that Milsiril saw him more like a pet than a son, has felt that his full interiority, the depth of his feelings and his ability to grow, act, and think as a fully equal being, was something that the elves around him just couldn't grasp. Because that was their excuse for it, he came to understand this as a gulf between short-lived and long-lived beings, an inevitable difference in outlook caused by their different lifespans.
This experience might be part of what leads to his iconic “fake” behaviour. He trusts his ability to understand others, but if they aren’t able to understand him, then there isn’t any benefit to being honest about his feelings and thoughts. If his attempts to reach mutual understanding with his caretakers were never able to be fulfilled, then it isn’t any wonder that he reacts with such surprise and horror at blurting out his desire to be Laios’ friend.
In his experience, making yourself vulnerable in that way only leads to being hurt. Soothing him, hushing him, lying to him, talking to him like a child that isn’t able to use proper judgement – that’s an inadequate and deeply hurtful way to respond to genuine distress, the desire for autonomy, or disagreement. Ultimately, I think that’s why he comes out on the side of being grateful to Milsiril; because she did equip him with the skills and knowledge he’d need to reach his goal, and let him go.
Though he could understand them, they couldn't understand him. To the extent that was true - which I'm sure it was - it wasn't due to anything about lifespan. It was due to the elves’ racism, and the solipsitic mindset & prejudiced attitude that it caused them to approach him with.
Because, if it needs to be said, the idea that there is an unbreachable gap in understanding between the long-lived and short-lived species is not true. Marcille and Laios have a much greater difference in lifespan than any full elf from any short-lived person, and they’re able to understand each other – maybe not perfectly, but better than many other people who are closer in life-span to them.
That doesn’t mean that I think Kabru is wrong about this, however. Because there’s an interpretation of his statement that is reflected in his actions and is true. When he talks about his problem with elves, it’s not just their attitudes: it’s their power, and what they use it to do. They “explain nothing and take everything”. Though it’s presented in the guise of ‘guiding and protecting’, in fact it’s a simple case of a powerful nation using their military power, wealth, access to resources, and historically stolen land – including the island itself – to protect their own interests and advance their own agenda. That’s why they’d be able to show up, seize the dungeon, and forcibly take Kabru’s party and Laios’ party to the West. If Kabru wants to stop that from happening, or change that status quo, persuasion or a bid to be understood would be completely pointless. Between the political blocs formed by long-lived species and the interests of short-lived species, “mutual understanding”, given their current, unequal terms, would be impossible. This is something that we see reflected in Kabru’s actions; before he asks his questions about the dungeon, he grabs Mithrun as leverage. He never really attempts to persuade the canaries to see his point of view, because that would be pointless: they’re agents of the Northern Central Continent’s monarchy, and will act in its interests regardless of any individual relationship with him.
I don’t think Kabru sees the different dimensions of this belief of his in quite such clear terms, however, as is evidenced by the other group who he thinks it’s impossible to communicate with.
Demi-Humans & Unknowable Objects
The other place that we see his conviction about the impossibility of mutual understanding is in the kobold extra.
I'm including the whole thing, because I think it's an excellent and clever piece of world-building. Aside from what it says about Kabru, which I'll expand on shortly, what this extra does is deconstruct and call into question the usual "fantasy ontological biology" present in these sort of DnD-like settings. Essentially, the kind of worldbuilding where a race (such as kobolds) can be described as war-like, and that's establishing something essential about their biological nature. That's common to the point that if Kui didn't include this, some people would probably come away thinking that's the case about, e.g., the orcs.
But here, despite what Kabru is saying, the information the reader actually gets is:
the conflict between short-lived humans and demi-humans such as kobolds is mostly over access to material resources that they need to survive.
These resources are scarce because powerful nations, such as the elves, have monopolised them.
Kabru, who has grown up in a place at the centre of these conflicts, ascribes essential, negative traits to a cultural group which was in direct conflict with his own. Communication with this other group is impossible; they aren't people, they're more like objects.
oh yes! just like this conflict between groups of tall-men, a conflict which the reader will immediately interpret as more clearly analogous to real-life racism. Our other protagonists also carry prejudices from growing up in a place where a marginalised group was in conflict with the dominant group over scarce resources. It's definitely impossible to communicate with these people, and you can only kill them.
Woah, when you say it like that, it sounds pretty bad!
But also, nobody walks away having had a realisation or unlearned their prejudices - because they don't have the tools they need to do that work. Yet. I do think, to an extent, it could happen - especially with Kabru, since it's suggested in the epilogue that Melini might become a safe-haven for demi-humans.
To focus in on Kabru, the key here is his statement that you should think of demi-humans as "unknowable objects". Even his extraordinary powers of understanding have seemingly hit a limit. Part of this is just inherited prejudice, and doesn't need to have a complicated psychological explanation, any more than the elves who were prejudiced against him need one.
But also... this is probably somewhat linked to the way demi-humans seem to be considered "pseudo-monsters". They're the place that the strict delineation between the human and the monstrous is permeated. Laios, who is not interested in humans, remembers and is excited by Kuro. Chilchuck and Laios argue over whether it's OK to eat a mermaid. Kabru's prepared to (pretend to) roll with the idea that Laios ate the orcs.
But these are people, aren't they? Of course, this is a social construction, as we see from the fact that in the Eastern Archipelago, the label of "human" is reserved for tallmen, but in most of the rest of the world it depends on some obviously arbirary classification based on number of bones; "demi-humans" aren't in any essential way monstrous, except to an extent in their appearance, and physical location - due to their marginal social status, they're pushed out to live in unsafe places such as dungeons.
Therefore, Kabru's view of demi-humans as fundamentally "other", unable to be understood - monstrous - could be read as akin to abjection, the psychoanalytical concept described by Julia Kristeva. In order to create a bounded, secure superego, that thing which permeates and calls into question the border between self and other, human and animal, life and death, is rejected and pushed to the margin.
“Not me. Not that. But not nothing, either. A "something" that I do not recognize as a thing.[...] On the edge of nonexistence and hallucination, of a reality that, if I acknowledge it, annihilates me. There, abject and abjection are my safeguards. The primers of my culture.” (Kristeva et al., 1984, p. 11) “It is thus not lack of cleanliness or health that causes abjection but what disturbs identity, system, order. ” (Kristeva et al., 1984, p. 13) “The pure will be that which conforms to an established taxonomy; the impure, that which unsettles it, establishes intermixture and disorder. [...] the impure will be those that do not confine themselves to one element but point to admixture and confusion.” (Kristeva et al., 1984, p. 107) (discussing food prohibitions in Leviticus)
This is both (due to its affinity with food-loathing and disgust) a very fruitful concept to apply to dunmeshi, and a psychoanalytical theory which I wouldn't exactly cosign as True Facts About Human Psychological Development. You may also know the abject from its utilisation in the classic essay "Horror and the Monstrous-Feminine" by Barbara Creed - that's a lot more approachable than Kristeva if anyone's interested.
Key here, though, is that through the symbol of the "demi-human" is embodied a step between "human" and "monster" - and that's a prospect that puts at risk the whole notion of an absolute separation between those two categories in the first place. To Laios, that's something wonderful, and to Kabru, it's terrifying. We can see this principle further embodied in the relationship both characters have with the notion of becoming monstrous.
To Laios, this is transcendent, and represents a renunciation of everything human - in fact, if it didn't, it wouldn't "count".
To Kabru, it's a deeply-held fear, established by his childhood alienation (due to his illegitimacy, his eyes, and perhaps also his neurodivergency), deepened by monster-related trauma and the sense of responsibility and survivors guilt he feels for what happened at Utaya. His identity as a human who is not monstrous is key to his sense of stability and safety; he doesn't want to touch monsters, he doesn't even want to see them.
To acknowledge a kinship, a possibility of similarity between the things he loves (humans) and the things he hates (monsters) would be more than touching them - it would be putting them inside him. We know, quite explicitly, that this notion is triggering to Kabru. He literally has what seems to be a flashback when he's about to eat the harpy omelette.
So he abjects it, classifying the demi-human as fundamentally unlike him - an unknowable object, or an object that he refuses to know. Because in understanding it, he would interject the things he hates and fears into his self, which is already, always under threat by that hated and feared object.
Of course, again, Kabru isn't very good at enacting this refusal in practice. For one, when he chooses between his desires and ingesting the feared object, eating monsters... he eats monsters. Part of this is treating himself badly, the "ends justify the means" mentality. His goal is to destroy all monsters, so if he needs to become monster-like to do that, he will. But part of it is also the other motivation that he didn't even seem to know about until he said it: he wants to become Laios' friend, and to learn from him how a person can like monsters. He wants, at least in some part of him, to reconcile the feared and hated object into something he can understand.
For another:
Kabru can speak the kobold language. In the first place, while this may have been common in Utaya, it also could have been something he chose to learn, an early expression of his interest in understanding and talking to all sorts of people. It isn't the kind of thing you learn if you believe that communication between yourself and the group that speak it is impossible, is it?
It's possible to harbour prejudices against a group while being kind to an individual, and given Kabru has those prejudices regardless of his reasons, that is what he is doing. But also, his treatment of Kuro doesn't reflect a sincerely held belief that he's an "unknowable object" at all. His approach is exactly the same as it is to any other person: an analysis of goal and motive, and an attempt to help if he's sympathetic and their goals align - going out of his way to give language and local knowledge lessons in secret. His conviction that Mickbell and Kuro will truly become friends when they can properly communicate is completely contradictory to any sense of demi-humans as fundamentally different, or impossible to reach mutual understanding with. To me, it seems like this self-protective shield against the corruptive force demi-humans as an idea present to his identity, this abjection, when Kabru is face-to-face with one, just simply can't hold up against his finely honed skill of intellectual empathy. Perhaps because he's autistic, it seems his "empathy" is less an emotional mirror response, and more a set of cognitive skills for analysis of others. That instinctual, emotional empathy might not trigger when presented with a member of an out-group, but if it’s possible for Kabru to turn his cognitive empathy off, we don’t see him do it.
This isn't to say that this prejudice doesn't affect his behaviour. For one, it could negatively impact his judgement of politics and policy, where individual people don't enter into it. For another, I'm not convinced he'd be willing to overlook Mickbell's exploitative relationship with Kuro if Kuro wasn't a kobold. As it is, since both of them are satisfied, he doesn't feel like he needs to intervene, regardless of the fact Mickbell isn't paying Kuro. But if Daya and Holm were in a relationship, and Holm took both Daya's and his own share from their ventures, but only compensated her in living expenses and kept the rest, do you think he'd tolerate it, for example? Even if she said it was OK?
Conclusion
The kelpie chapter establishes that "people can never know what monsters are really thinking." That isn't just true of monsters, though.
True mutual understanding is impossible - between anyone. We can never truly understand another person's heart. This is touched on in, for example, the existence of shapeshifters and dopplegangers. Even a monster that seemed like a perfect copy of a person wouldn’t be that person, and wouldn’t be a satisfactory replacement.
We’re intended, I think, to understand the winged lion's repeated suggestions to just replace people who have been lost with copies as something uncanny, which demonstrates the way that the winged lion never manages to attain a complete understanding of humans. A version of a person who was created to fulfil your memories of them, to be the person who you wanted them to be, would be a terrible, miserable thing.
Disagreeing, coming into conflict, and misunderstanding each other, are essential parts of what it means to be living beings, as fundamental as the need to eat.
The only thing to do is not to take more than you need to eat to survive, and not impose your own desires onto others. To do your best to sincerely communicate your desires, even if they're embarrassing or vulnerable or strange, like Kabru eventually does with Laios; like Laios does, bit by bit, with the people around him; like Marcille does, Chilchuck does, Senshi does... to hope they will accept you, and do your best to understand them in return.
We can re-examine, in that context, Kabru's line about the elves' tendency to "explain nothing and take everything".
They have the power to impose their preferred "menu" onto less powerful groups. And in that context, mutual understanding being impossible just means that they won't give up their power because they're asked nicely. Kabru's goal is to seize the truth that they won't give to him, and to create a situation where they can't take everything. Because he's accurately surmised that nothing about the treatment of short-lived races will change so long as the power imbalance remains. Despite the way he mistakenly ascribes part of that to "long-lived vs short-lived" or "human vs demi-human", the actual gulfs in understanding he identifies are structural, are about power and about access to material resources and safety.
I think he could come to recognise this. Yaad is teaching him political science after all, and while a prince's lessons on political science won't exactly get at much that's radical or invested in the interests and perspectives of the marginalised (Capital is a critique of for a reason after all...) I believe in Kabru's ability to learn critically and get more from a lesson than it was intended to teach.
#og post#kabru of utaya#kabru dungeon meshi#laios touden#dungeon meshi meta#dungeon meshi#dunmeshi#dungeon meshi manga spoilers#dungeon meshi analysis#kuro dungeon meshi#the canaries#milsiril#continuing to develop my kabru theses.#literally sitting and thinking about kabru all day. rotating him.#he's in the microwave. to me.
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
'FOGGY STREETS AND CHRISTMAS LIGHTS'
(part 3/3)
I'm gonna infodump about the backstory of this comic, don't feel obligated to read it because it's not cotl related it's just personal stuff, I just want to be able to write about it somewhere cause I can't really talk to anyone about it.
As always, thanks for reading this far, sorry my stuff has been such a bummer so consistently. This comic goes out to all my "christmas induced depression" homies, I left my house maybe like ~5 times all month and it was NOT pleasant hearing "IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!!" on the radio when I'm so ready for it to be over. Gonna take it reaaaaal easy til the year ends, you guys take it easy too!! Got some asks I have to respond to when I'm more stable but probably no new comic pages til january
Alright uhhh so this part of the comic is pretty much taken directly from the last time I saw my great-grandma alive, a few days before christmas. She didn't remember me, but at the nursing home there was a piano, and I sat down and played some stuff because I didn't know what to say. I was really into lisa the painful rpg at the time, and I played that "I've got the joy" song that the villain sings without realizing it was an old christian campfire song. She didn't really say much or move that whole night, just kind of gave me a polite blank smile, but started singing the words when I played the notes to that song.
I kinda stopped in shock, my dad frantically asked me to keep playing, so I did. While the comic I made is way more sappy than the actual moment was, I wish I'd cherished the moment longer. I didn't know it was the last time I'd see her alive. Every family christmas was held at her house when she was around, so it's been weird the past few years. I actually lost another dementia-addled grandma to cancer on christmas eve in 2009, so the holiday was already kind of weird for me on top of everything else that makes me sad this time of year. That's what part 2 was about, I'll spare the details but I wrote leshy to act out how I felt back then. Why are we all sad? This is supposed to be a happy time, all the decorations are up and we're almost all here, so why is everyone smiling yet everything feels so wrong? I feel like since leshy's canonically the most ignorant one to things lurking below the surface, he'd be the one to try and make everyone feel better but not quite understand why everyone is so miserable. My first memory of having self injurious behavior came from then, hence why I had leshy pull his leaves off in the last comic. It was confusing and frustrating and I was just old enough to comprehend something was wrong, but not old enough to understand the depth of it, it DEFINITELY didn't help that nobody helped me back then so I made leshy's siblings actually come in clutch instead of grabbing him/yelling at him.
That night with the piano was something that's stuck with me the few years she's been gone, but I felt kind of strange when I asked my dad and my sister about it and neither of them remembered it. The room we were in was completely empty so nobody else witnessed it but us three. I myself have a history of head trauma and memory loss (plus, native americans are disproportionately more likely to develop dementia... lucky us) so if I ever forgot about that moment, there'd be nobody left to remember it. Sometimes when I do comics, it's my way of going "this happened at some point, and the only evidence it ever happened was me witnessing it, so if something happens to me I want the memory to stay alive in some form."
Anyway. The autistic urge to overshare, am I right? Idk what my religious ass great-grandma would think of me drawing demonic comics about my last memory of her, she'd probably think it's funny though cause she raised my dad whose interests have always been "death metal and devil worship". I'm not sure if anyone read this far, I just hope my dumb comics can convey the things I can't say with my voice and struggle to say through text. None of this was supposed to be "feel bad for me!! Woe is me!!", it was supposed to me more like...cathartic? Healing? I almost didn't post this comic because it felt kinda weird, but seeing people connect with it made it worth it imo. Thank you
702 notes
·
View notes
Text
── jimin’s body. ( yjm ) 🔪
๑ A string of gruesome murders have been plaguing your small town with fear, there hasn’t been many leads on who this unnamed killer could be but never in a million years would you suspect that it was someone you were so close to…
pair/genre: popular!jimin ㅊ nerdy!f!reader, dead dove do not eat, college au, jennifer’s body au | warnings: horror, pwp, angst, smut, humor/dark jokes, set in the late 2000’s, jimin is your childhood best friend, yandere/succubus!jimin, mentions of depression/anxiety, childhood trauma, graphic descriptions of death and violence, gore, cheating, manipulation tactics, dub-con, virginity loss, d/s dynamics, g!p jimin, piv, fingering, oral, rough s.x, biting, slight knife play, unprotected s.x, breeding kink | words: 18.4k+
you can also read the jay ver of this fic here
**please heed ALL warnings before reading, i am not responsible for the content you consume !!
[ song inspo: mascara, do you believe, & cherry waves by deftones ]
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦
“you should come.” jimin’s figure hovered over your desk, her face so unbearably close to yours that one wrong move could lead to both of your lips accidentally colliding. “please y/n? it’ll be fun, i promise !” her former pout returns to guilt trip you even further.
you stood your ground and shook your head, leaning back into the chair for more breathing room. this wasn’t something out of the ordinary for her, jimin constantly invaded your personal space, never believing in boundaries when it came to you— and she’d get even more obnoxious by persistently asking to hang outside of classes.
“jiminie, i already told you before that i have homework to do..” you remind her yet again for the umpteenth thousand time, as if she didn’t already know that, not bothering to put much thought into considering her dumb little offer.
for the past hour or so she’s been bugging you about going to some dive bar downtown with her. it seems a lot of people were attending since a locally known indie boy band, ‘lucid dream’, is going to be performing there tonight. jimin would always rave about their music once she discovered them on myspace, growing quite the infatuation with the lead singer in particular. you really weren’t all that interested in going, you weren’t even a fan, plus you had way more important things to worry about. and besides, concerts weren’t your thing anyway, you’ve always hated large crowds— gives you an inducing amount of anxiety.
“ugh, why’re you so lamee, it’s like you’re allergic to fun..” she whines, dragging out her words which only made her sound even more immature. she’d never miss a beat to poke fun at you for being such a goody two shoes. “we’re not getting any younger y/n, keep going at this rate and you’re bound to end up an old, shriveled up cat lady who’s gonna die a miserable virgin !”
her snarky comments about your dry sex life didn’t phase you as much as they used to, but after a while you do get sick of hearing them all the time. to be frank, you aren’t even sure why you and jimin were still such close friends, maybe it’s because of the deep rooted history you two share, dating all the way back to when you were in kindergarten; or simply could be the fact that no matter what, jimin refused to never leave your side— ever.
you’ve had one too many disagreements and blown out of proportion arguments with her over the years, yet she’s never held any of those things against you, it’s practically a clean slate the next day. you’ll never understand why she’s so adamant on keeping this friendship alive when you’re just so vastly different from each other. she’s athletic, outgoing, extremely popular amongst her peers— and especially with men, of course.
jimin will never admit it out loud, but she’s always enjoyed being the center of attention, not to mention she was blessed with a well above average face that she used to her advantage quite a bit. she’d often came off as overly arrogant and crude to most people, she honestly had no filter when it came to voicing her own opinions; but that was the allure of her, made her charm even more magnetic to the dozens of guys (and girls) who’d fawn over her on a daily basis. she acted as though all eyes weren’t on her, yet she secretly relished it. if she wasn’t stroking her own ego, best believe there’d be someone who would.
you glare at her, wishing she’d just shut up already and go bother someone else for a change, but you know that’ll never happen in this lifetime. “i’m actually in a very loving and committed relationship.. so i rebuke that statement, thank you very much !” you quickly fire back, gathering your textbooks and other supplies, shoving them into the compartments of your black messenger bag.
“soo, i’m guessing anton’s dick isn’t really all that satisfying enough for you ? ‘cause you still act hella bitchy all the time… must not be that good,” jimin couldn’t help but giggle to herself, deciding to further agitate you. “oh, who am i kidding.. you probably haven’t even let that bastard kiss you yet.”
if you weren’t so mentally drained from the 6 hours you’ve just endured of back to back classes, you’d be beating her ass to a pulp right here and now. “we’re taking things slow !” you defend yourself once more, lifting from the chair as you’re about to head out the door, to which jimin follows behind to continue on her rampant taunting spree.
“it’s been 6 months y/n, how much more ‘slow’ can you take it ?” a group of guys wave at her as you walked through the corridor, but she ignores it and keeps walking like the pretentious snob she is. “bet the dude gets blue balls everytime he sees you.”
you stopped dead in your tracks for a second, turning around to face her only to be met with a smug grin settled on her glossy lips. the fact she gets such a kick out of constantly teasing you made it all the more aggravating, but eventually you caved in, as per usual.
“ugh, fine.. what time is it ?” you inquire, watching how she instantly lit up at your question. you knew she would’ve been moping and complaining for the rest of the day if you didn’t go with her. anything to get her to finally shut up..
“it starts at 9 but i’ll pick you up at 8:30 !” jimin caged her arm around your waist, pulling you into a half hug. “oh, and make sure to wear something good.” she quickly adds.
“um.. i always wear good clothes ??” a scoff leaves your lips, slightly offended by her critique of your clothing choices.
“really ?” she spoke sarcastically, eyeing the oversized crewneck sweatshirt you wore with cats printed all over, “this isn’t middle school anymore, it wouldn’t kill you to show a little bit of cleavage once in a while.”
you flat out ignore her comments. not even wanting to entertain her bullshit anymore, if anything it would only lead to a petty argument that’ll sour your mood for the whole day. you’ve learned the hard way that sometimes— well most of the time, letting jimin say whatever she wants was the best option, which is why she always gets away with it. she’s always been the more domineering one of the friendship, whilst you just sat back on the sidelines and let her menacing behavior go unchecked. you hated that you were such a pushover when it came to her but you’d rather just let it go than have a full blown argument that could potentially lead to her having an irrational outburst.
“i gotta go find anton, i’ll see ya later.” your mind shifts back to thinking about your boyfriend who was most likely waiting for you out in the courtyard.
“ew, whatever bye.” a look of faux disgust bestowed on jimin’s features, there was no inherent issue she had with anton— just didn’t really like the guy. she felt as though she was slowly being replaced by him, which is why she latched onto you even more than ever.
once you said your final goodbyes and parted ways, you head down a long flight of stairs to go search for your boyfriend. eventually catching him off in the distance as he’s sat on a bench outside, immediately going up to hug him.
“hey babe,” anton happily greets as you embraced him, embedding a kiss to your cheek, “missed you.”
“hey, sorry i showed up kinda late.. got a little sidetracked on my way to you,” you make up a quick lie as you don’t wanna fully admit that jimin was the reason for your semi-tardiness.
“got any plans tonight pretty lady ?” he asks with his arm looped around your shoulder as you sat beside him, he was hoping to spend more time with you since you’ve been so cooped up in the library studying for upcoming exams.
“well… yeah, kinda. i’m going to this concert thingy with jimin tonight.” there you go, not even a minute in of seeing your boyfriend you’re already bringing her up. it’s always jimin, jimin, jimin— this was really beginning to irritate him.
“oh..” he sighs, visibly tensing up every time he hears that dreaded name slip from your mouth. he knew this was how it usually went down, whenever he asks to spend time with you somehow jimin would always beat him to it. anton truly felt like your so called ‘best friend’ was the main perpetrator of sabotaging this relationship.
“we can still hang out for a bit before that !” you suggest, attempting to try and lighten the atmosphere, but anton still wasn’t too thrilled to hear that you were going to be with jimin for the whole night instead of him.
you know that anton never really liked jimin, and jimin also never really liked anton either. it was an odd, unspoken tension between the two but you couldn’t quite seem to put your finger on how or why it all started. anton was more adjacent to your personality, you’re both bookworms, lovers of all things pertaining to math and science, and you lived in the same honor’s apartment complex, which only housed the smartest students of the whole university. jimin however… she was a spitting image of everything you strived not to be. rebellious, put very minimal if at all any effort into her studies, was borderline narcissistic, and easily irritable around others. it was like a ticking time bomb with her, you never knew exactly when she’d go off.
“yeah only for like two hours..” anton sulked in discontent, sinking lower into the seat. “you always do whatever jimin tells you to do, it’s like you don’t have a mind of your own sometimes.. feels like you enjoy being with her more than me..”
“that’s not true !” you fire back, “she’s my best friend.. that’s it. you know you mean the world to me,” you anxiously express, fidgeting with the silver, heart-shaped friendship necklace that you and jimin both had since elementary school. “my roommate should be gone, i have the whole place to myself, come !” quickly, you grab his hand to lead the way back to your place.
“agh.. okay, better be lucky that you’re cute..” anton jokingly adds, letting you pull him away to the next destination.
๑ ๑ ๑
“so.. which one is she stalking online again ?” anton asks out of curiosity, comfortably sat on top of your bed, referring to jimin’s new obsession with this boy band.
“the lead singer of this band, she said he’s like ‘100% her type’ or something, i dunno.” you said nonchalantly, skimming through your wardrobe in hopes of finding an outfit that jimin would approve of, you couldn’t dress too revealing as it would only attract unwanted attention from random creeps, but you also didn’t want to present as too “modest” as you’ll only get teased even more than you already were by your best friend.
“huh.. interesting..” he slightly nods, reaching over to play with one of your stuffed bears that you’ve had since childhood. “i still don’t get why she couldn’t just go with someone else or by herself. she doesn’t need you there..”
you don’t answer, instead you were too preoccupied with trying on various tops, unsatisfied with most until you find a dark purple top that was a bit more form fitting. it showed your midriff just a little bit but it wasn’t too much that it would deem as “slutty”, at least in your humble book of opinions. checking yourself out in the vanity mirror to see how you look, you paired the top with some light wash flared jeans that you bought recently while out at the mall with jimin.
you weren’t too keen on buying them at first but she’d convinced you to get them anyway. standing in front of your reflection, you barely recognized yourself. you don’t normally wear these types of styles but according to jimin, you have to wear ‘good clothes’ so you kind of felt obligated to. finishing off the look, you took off your glasses, replacing them with contacts that you rarely wore, you’ve always hated that you struggled to put them in but it wasn’t so bad this time around.
“um, do you really have to wear such low rise jeans..? i can see your womb for pete’s sake !” anton sounded reminiscent of an overbearing dad the way he voiced his concerns, it was safe to say that he was definitely not a fan of this new look you were going for.
you playfully brushed him off, “quit being so dramatic, you’re just not used to seeing me like this is all !” you giggle at his overprotective nature, suddenly hearing a loud knock at your door from downstairs, “oh- that must be jimin !”
you hummed a soft tune as you make your way down the stairs, swinging the door open to your best friend who’s smiling ear to ear, throwing your arms around her shoulders to embrace her in a hug.
“i see you actually took my advice,” jimin says proudly, staring down your whole body as she examines your outfit, “are we good to go ?” she asks, looking effortlessly stunning in a denim mini skirt and a cropped tee that she bought from hot topic.
“yup, i think so !” you nod in content, quickly grabbing your high-top converse that laid on the floor, they were a little beat up and had doodles all over them all because jimin got bored one day and decided to scribble on the shoes without your knowledge. it added more character to them you suppose…
“i’d really appreciate if you stopped kidnapping my girlfriend all the time.” anton grumbles in annoyance, heading downstairs to kiss you goodbye. he possessively grabs ahold of your waist to show jimin that she wasn’t the only one in your life that you adored— he hated that this has now become an unfriendly competition of who could gain your attention more.
jimin scoffs, paying him little to no mind. “it isn’t kidnapping if she’s willingly going on her own accord, right ?” she shoots back in her usual condescending tone, anton was getting more agitated by the second, if this were an animation, steam would’ve definitely been blowing out of his ears right now.
“listen, i’ve had it with yo—”
“ok knock it off you two, enough !” you cut your boyfriend off before he could go any further, “you guys really need to stop, seriously..”
jimin’s demeanor softens the minute she hears your voice, as if you’ve snapped her out of a trance, “he’s just jelly ‘cause he’s not invited, let’s go.” she links arms with yours whilst heading out the door, faintly hearing the jingle of her car keys clashing together as she swung them around with her free hand.
a part of you feels like you’ve created this whole mess between them, you’ve noticed this mini rivalry ever since you began dating anton. jimin has never been one to give newcomers the warmest of welcomes, she’s constantly had this protective and territorial nature towards you, was just how she is. though sometimes, she’d take things a step too far. whenever she feels like you’re slowly drifting apart from her, she does everything in her power to drive a wedge between you and the other existing person. you and jimin have always been a tight knit duo— a packaged deal if you will; and she isn’t too fond of other’s being added into the mix, she’d try convincing you that all you needed was each other— no one else ever mattered.
that was until you met your boyfriend anton of course, jimin rarely ever conversed with him nor was she ever all that kind to him, but you managed to still work things out regardless of your best friend’s disapproval. in more blunt terms, you don’t think jimin would’ve approved of anyone you date, she was harder to please than your own parents and that in itself spoke volumes… on the contrary, you wouldn’t have much of an issue if jimin were to magically show up with a boyfriend/girlfriend one day, but within these past two decades of knowing her you’ve never seen her date a single soul, she could literally have anyone she wanted, hell, they were practically lining up to even be near her. yet she didn’t bother giving one of them the time of day, she preferred her own solitude; except when she’s around you, that is.
๑ ๑ ๑
you had no idea what to anticipate when arriving to this place, but soon as you and jimin walked into the establishment, you were invited with a completely different atmosphere than you expected. the way jimin kept talking about this place you’d assume it’d be more of a nightclub ambiance but it was more or less like your average, run-of-the-mill bar where everyone went to watch the sports game on the weekend. sure there were a lot of people here but it just wasn’t the overall kind of vibe you mesh with. from it’s dingy, beer stained walls, to the generic pop music that blared through the speakers, there was a pool table in the corner occupied by a bunch of sorority girls you recognized from school. your eyes landed on your past crush minjeong, who you never confessed to but still silently admired from afar to this day. you thought she was way out of your league, plus she was already dating someone else which made you harbor those secrets even deeper.
you sat at an empty booth, flipping open your phone to text anton who’s been asking nonstop if everything’s okay, though you’ve told him multiple times not to worry. there were a few guys who tried talking to jimin but she seemed quite unamused by them, her mission was to talk to this band that she’s been fangirling over, you’ve never seen her this excited over anything.
“come with me,” jimin suddenly pulls you out of your seat, making you go towards the front of the stage with her. she was smiling like an idiot, walking up to them confidently as she always did. there were a total of 5 men, all dressed in various types of leather and spikes, black filled their waterlines to look more edgy, their teased hair stayed in place with the shit ton of hairspray they used— pretty much your stereotypical rock band aesthetic. whether it was intentional or not, you didn’t know, but they definitely didn’t seem like the approachable type.
jimin makes the first move, introducing herself along with your presence. “hi, i’m jimin and this is my best friend y/n, i’m a huge fan of you guys ! i’m surprised you came out all the way here, aren’t you from the city ?” she sounded like such a groupie, you never took her as someone to kiss up to others, but there’s a first time for everything you suppose.
a man with fluorescent pink hair spoke, you assumed it was the lead singer of the band since he held a microphone in his hand, “nice to meet you, i’m skyler, but you can call me sky. yeah.. we’re a bit far out but we like to connect with fans all over, gotta start somewhere y’know?” jimin nods, looking at him as if he held the key to a world she’s never seen before.
“can i buy you a drink ? the options are pretty slim but there’s these red and blue drinks that i think are kinda good. gotta drink ‘em fast though or else they turn this weird brownish color…” jimin asks, hoping to give off the impression that she’s older than she actually is.
“sure, thanks.” he replied, winking at her as he prepares to set up for the performance.
“great, i’ll be back right !” she turns around in a flash, tagging you along with her for the journey.
“uh, jimin we aren’t over 21 yet..” you remind her, confused as how she was going to even pull this off, but she shuts down your doubtful attitude.
“i think you underestimate just how easily i can get anyone to do anything for me y/n.” she makes her way over to the bar with a confident stride, not even sweating the fact she may or may not be denied.
as jimin was busy getting the drinks you overheard the lead singer, skyler aka sky, talking to the bassist, you couldn’t help but get closer to eavesdrop on their conversation once you heard your best friend’s name being dropped mid convo.
“yeah that jimin girl’s definitely a virgin, she talks big game but i bet she wouldn’t even let anyone touch her..” he chuckles to his bandmates. your brows furrowed in slight confusion and anger, not only was she being overly friendly with them but they were taking her kindness as a sign of weakness.
“hey that’s my friend you’re talking about, asshole !” you intervened, quickly coming to her defense, “whether she is one or not, it’s none of your damn business and she’s sure as hell not going to sleep with some douchebags like you.” you couldn’t believe half those words even came out of your mouth, but when it came to jimin, you weren’t just going to sit back and let them talk about her like that.
“what’s going on ?” jimin interrupts, coming back with the drinks as she noticed a sudden shift in your behavior.
“they were just talking about you !” you point over to those shady men, still fuming with rage, “they said you were a virgin !”
“oh.. i mean does losing my anal virginity in the locker rooms count ??” she jokes, snickering to herself when she remembers that moment.
you face palm, “that’s not the point, jimin !” you were genuinely getting upset, why would it even matter if she was one or not ? why were they so hung up on knowing that to begin with ? were they planning on doing something to her ?
before you could say anything else or speculate any further, the lights suddenly dimmed, and the band introduces themselves to the crowd that was formed around you. sky went on a whole spiel about how they’re so grateful to be here and saying how they hope to bring more fans with this performance, they were promoting their new single, ‘dying roses’ which you thought was a pretty corny and cliché title but nonetheless you were only here in support of your friend.
as the band started playing their first song, everyone began head banging to the music, including jimin who was more than excited to be here. maybe it was because of the previous encounter you just had with them, but the music wasn’t necessarily hitting for you. it wasn’t the genre per se, you enjoyed bands such as hole, nirvana, and metallica, but they just seemed like complete rip offs of those said bands. it seemed like you were the only one who thought this way considering everyone else was vibing around you— especially jimin who was singing along to every lyric word for word. you seriously couldn’t wait for this night to be over with..
not even ten minutes later, you heard a blood curdling scream off in the distance. your body stilled with uncertainty, wondering what could’ve possibly triggered such harrowing emotions, yet that was soon dissolved once you saw the burst of flames invading your vision. a rush of panic kicks in as you finally register what exactly was going on and the only thing on your mind was to get the hell out of here. everyone else had the same idea as you, bodies scrambling left and right, hurriedly trying to find an entry to freedom. you checked to see if jimin was following behind you still but she wasn’t, she was gone. and so was the band.
you shouted her name as loud as you could, eyes becoming bleary whilst trying to find the nearest exit, pushing all the other attendees out of the way as the only thing you cared about in this moment was getting to safety and finding jimin. you remembered that the bathrooms had a small window so you made a mad dash to the stalls, praying to god that you’d be able to fit through.
surprisingly there was no one else there, grabbing a step stool from the corner to help you climb up and ease your way out. profusely coughing from the smoke that lingered underneath the door, you use all your strength to pry the window open, body running solely off adrenaline. relief washes over you when you’re able to successfully get it to crack just enough to squeeze your body through, gasping for oxygen once you’re finally met with the outside world again.
you looked back and see that the entire bar is now ablaze– with people still inside. you watched as parts of the building collapsed, crumbling to the ground as more people were coming out. you’ve never witnessed anything more horrifying, hearing the cries of others shouting for help as they were locked in with no way out. some were so badly burned that they looked unrecognizable, their scorched skin bubbling from the third degree burns. you couldn’t bear to see such chaos but you couldn’t look away. this sight was going to be engrained into your memory for the rest of your life..
anxiety struck through you when you realize jimin was still nowhere to be seen, you still had your cellphone in your pocket which you debated on calling 911, but you assumed they’d already be on the way with paramedics. you were surprised to have even made it out alive, but you hoped to god that jimin was also able to escape the inferno. when an arm reaches out to suddenly grab your wrist, your first reaction was to scream loudly. still suffering from the shock of what you just experienced.
“chill the fuck out, it’s just me y/n!” you instantly recognized jimin’s voice, turning around to face her. you couldn’t believe it was really her, completely unscathed just like you. you immediately wrap your arms around her, holding her tighter than ever before. you’d be able to rest easy now knowing that you two were perfectly okay.
“i was looking for you, had me worried sick !” your eyes brimmed with tears again, but it was more so tears of happiness. you wouldn’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your best friend with you anymore.
“i’m sorry… we should’ve stuck together. i didn’t mean to abandon you..” she didn’t sound like her usual self, this time she was more frantic, just as much in shock as you were.
“oh thank god you two are alright !” sky, the singer of that shitty band runs up to the both of you, “you guy’s should come back to my van, it’s safer there.” he proposes, helping you back up on your feet as you were too weak to do so on your own.
you shook your head at that idea. “no way, i’m getting out of here, come on jimin !” you grab her hand but she doesn’t follow along.
“actually, i think i’m gonna go with them..” she says, letting go of your hand to head towards the van with the other guys.
“are you crazy ?!” you couldn’t believe she’d choose them over you, even if she was a huge fan, it still didn’t make sense for her to leave with them rather than her own damn best friend. you felt betrayed.
“look i’m in survival mode just as much as you right now, we gotta get going before anything else happens !” sky rushes to the driver’s side whilst the others hopped in the back along with jimin, who seemed perfectly fine with getting in a vehicle with a group of strange men that she just met.
you’re steady calling after her but she doesn’t listen nor budge, simply watching as the van speeds off. knowing deep down in your gut that something awful was going to ensue…
๑ ๑ ๑
it’s been two painstakingly long hours and still no call or text from jimin. the worry was only building up inside you. what if something bad really did happen ? what if she needed your help and you left her all alone to fend for herself ? the guilt was slowly starting to eat you up, consuming your already troubled mind. but then again, you thought you may be overthinking as you usually do. she was probably having the time of her life, probably even went to some after party with them. the betrayal of her leaving you still lingered in your thoughts. how could she have done this to you ? maybe she really was this self-centered, conniving woman that anton always painted her out to be. but maybe you were just as bad for letting her leave like that. you should’ve been more assertive, now you won’t be getting any sleep tonight until you know for sure that jimin will be fine.
you decide to call anton, needing to get all of this off your chest before you drove yourself anymore mentally insane than you already are. he picked up on the last ring, assuming that he was most likely asleep by now.
“hello ?” the sound of his sleepy voice gave you a sense of comfort, which is exactly what you needed at this time.
“hey..” you spoke softly, unsure of what to even say right now. you didn’t want to say anything straight away, you had to lean in towards that kind of conversation first.
“how was the concert ?” he asks, yawning as he kept talking.
you paused for a second, knowing that you’ll worry him the minute you finally express what happened hours ago. “there was a fire...”
“what ?!” there was absolutely nothing that could’ve prepared him for that, now he’s the one in full-blown panic mode.
“yeah..” was all you said in return, still trying to wrap your head around everything. the mental image of all those people still trapped inside, unknowing of their indefinite fate will forever stick with you.
“holy fuck.. you’re okay, right ?!” you could hear his body shifting under the sheets as he fully woke up from hearing this tragic news. he would’ve never been able to forgive himself had you not survived, he’d spend all of eternity blaming himself for it.
“yeah.. i’m fine. there was a stampede, you could hear their bones breaking and people running out the building as they were still on fire.. i don’t even wanna know how many didn’t make it out..” you felt sick to your stomach, you should’ve done more to help but all you thought about was saving yourself, how selfish…
“fuck.. i’m so sorry you had to see that y/n, i’m just really glad that you were able to get out of there…”
“jimin left with that band but i told her not to.. she hasn’t spoken to me since then and i’m really worried, we have to go save her !” you couldn’t shake this ominous feeling that something went horribly wrong, you had to trust your instincts on this one.
“who cares about jimin ! people died !” anton was baffled by how you were still only thinking about her when the main person you should be worrying about is yourself.
he then proceeded to go on an endless tirade about how horrible of a friend jimin is and that he knew he shouldn’t have let you go there with someone as untrustworthy as her. you just “okay” and “alright” your way out of everything he said, but you still had this deep inkling that you were right and you need to be there to rescue her. there was no real proof that she’d be in any danger, but something just seemed so off about that group as a whole..
that’s when you heard the sudden buzz of your doorbell, thinking it may just be your roommate who forgot her key, though it was quite late and you wouldn’t expect her to be coming back around at this time of night. you stilled in your bed, internally debating whether or not you should go down there to investigate; but you ultimately decide to do so anyway.
“shh, wait— ton, i think i hear someone at the door...” you tell him as you hesitantly get up, putting on your bunny slippers and slipping on a robe before slowly creaking the door open.
“who is it?” he asks, just as confused as you were.
“i-i don’t know.. that’s what i’m trying to find out..” you whisper, heading into the hallway, producing quiet footsteps as you held onto the railing that lead downstairs.
the air around you felt suffocating, only met with a grim silence whilst putting one foot in front of the other. each step you took became increasingly more cautious, you had no idea why you were such a nervous wreck or why you thought there’d be an imminent threat lurking your way, but the way your heart was thudding rapidly out of your chest made your flight or fight senses fly off the radar.
finally making it to the door, you suck in a bated breath, swallowing the thick lump that sat in the back of your throat. your hands shakily curled around the shiny knob but the minute you open it you’re left feeling even more uneasy as there wasn’t anything nor anyone at your doorstep. just pitch black darkness greeting you, along with the chilling sound of trees rustling through the wind. a heavy, lingering fog accompanied the atmosphere, sending an uncomfortable shiver down your spine.
you were puzzled, feeling as though someone was playing a sick joke on you. you could’ve sworn you heard it, unless you really were going crazy after all. you knew that you were a little loose around the edges, but there’s no way that you could’ve made that up— it was far too realistic. soon as you were about to brush this whole thing off and chalk it up as just a freak accident, your ears detected faint shuffling, movement coming from a far distance. this time coming from inside the confines of your own home.
…what in the actual fuck is going on right now ?
“i just heard something from the kitchen..” you made sure to keep your voice low, mind and body riddled with the fear of the unknown as you clutched onto the phone harder than ever. you couldn’t see much of anything, but you followed whatever the hell was making all that commotion.
“don’t go near it ? what the fuck, that’s horror movie 101 knowledge. never go to the noise !” anton warns but you don’t take his advice, instead you slowly crept into the living room, remaining vigilant of every move you take.
the noise only grew louder and since you knew that your roommate wasn’t here, this only made your panic heighten, afraid that there may be a possible intruder. carefully stepping into the kitchen without making a sound, your hands scramble to find the switch, turning on the light to reveal the cause of your worry. the noise stopped the minute you were able to see again, and an instant sigh of relief leaves you once you notice it was just a leaky faucet, screwing the handle to shut it back in place. but that relief would soon deem itself short lived when you hear that same cacophony of sounds from earlier, again.
you spun around to see your fridge wide open, and someone actively rummaging through it. your body froze in place, simply unable to move no matter how hard you tried to relax your muscles. it was as if something were controlling you, telling you not to move an inch; like it was protecting you from whatever may be on the other side. scraps of food met the tiled floors, containers and cartons being tossed and thrown in a rampage. as the refrigerator finally came to a close, you were more than shocked to see that it was none other than jimin, who’s covered in dried blood from head to toe.
“anton.. i’ll call you back i gotta go..” you muttered quickly to your boyfriend, feeling the need to tend to your friend who’s clearly not in the best of conditions right now.
“what?! no, don’t hang up y/n, please don-” you hang up on him before he could even finish. you were slowly able to regain your strength again, tiptoeing towards the girl who hasn’t even bothered to look up at you yet.
she looked more than unwell, as if she had just survived the most brutal attack of her life. her actions resembled nothing of a human, watching as she mindlessly consumed whatever she could find in her wake. she came across a pack of raw chicken that you’ve yet to open, savagely tearing through it, devouring the meat with her bare hands. you weren’t sure how to react to any of this, but you knew that she was exhibiting anything but normal behavior.
“what are you doing ?!” you finally broke the quietness that filled the room, but you were met with no response in return.
upon hearing your startled voice, she stopped eating and averts her gaze to you. her eyes were soulless, no emotion throughout her whatsoever, looking at you as if she’s never seen you before. instead of getting up she crawls over to you, still refusing to utter a single word. your lips part to speak again but you notice a shift in her odd aura, she began coughing in the most grotesque way possible, as if she were trying to get something to leave out of her body. that’s when she starts to profusely vomit, everywhere. it wasn’t just any normal vomit though, it was a black, spiny fluid, spread all over the tiles and even spilling onto your clothes.
“jimin, what the hell’s wrong with you ?!” you yell at her but it was no use. she was never going to answer you, it was like she was possessed by some kind of spirit.
she finally got up on her feet, never breaking eye contact with you; her dark pupils pierced through you like the sharp edge of a butcher knife. jimin could smell the fear you emitted, it only made her want to gravitate towards you more. the only sane option that ran through your mind was to call the police, taking several steps backward from her presence, but of course she doesn’t let you do that. she only moves faster, pushing you up against the wall with superhuman aggression. she grabs ahold of your wrist tightly, forcing you to drop your phone, a loud thud produced as it made contact with the ground. she remained silent throughout the whole ordeal, flashing you an eerie smile, only a hairs breadth away from meeting your plush lips.
you whimpered in fear, but she keeps shushing you, petting the crown of your head like you were a crying, wounded animal in need. “are you scared?” she whispers into you ear, already knowing the answer to that. she only continues to taunt you, licking a long, slow paced stripe along the base of your neck, coating her saliva onto your soft, shivering skin.
she wouldn’t go any further than that, simply letting go of you and backing away as if she just now was able to acknowledge what she’s done. her breathing grew heavier, unable to even look at you, it felt as though she couldn’t control her own body anymore. before you could do anything, she swiftly heads out of the back door, leaving without a trace.
“jimin !” you try to call after her, but to no avail, you were left all alone, traumatized for the second time of the night.
you’ve went through the five stages of grief all in under a minute, unsure of what to even do in this moment. you’re standing here, confused, overwhelmed, and mortified— but now there’s black vomit all over your kitchen floor and on yourself. you weeped again, hopelessly trying to piece together the fragments of what the fuck just happened moments ago.
๑ ๑ ๑
the next day everyone’s talking about the fire at school. many were mourning the losses of their precious loved ones, sobbing uncontrollably from the horrific events that occurred from the night before. you sat in physics class with jimin, who acted as if nothing even happened last night, carrying on as she normally did. your professor mr. choi, took a moment to speak about what happened, mentioning the saddening news that took place not even 24 hours ago. what was even more odd was that jimin was smirking the entire time, attempting to hold in her laughter as she heard the professor speak, you roughly nudged her arm with your elbow in response to her apathy.
“this isn’t funny..” you scold her for acting so insensitively, “people died, jimin ! it’s all over the news, we even made it internationally…”
she rolls her eyes, “yeah, so? people die everyday y/n, they’re not special. i’ll give it a week max and i bet you no one will be talking about it anymore.”
how could she even say something like that ? especially knowing that she knew some of the people who passed away, your beloved peers who fought for their lives at the very last seconds of being alive. it was more than insensitive, it was just plain cruel.
“what’s wrong with you ?!” you looked at her as if she’s gone mad, which she quite literally has considering what took place at your apartment last night. you haven’t mentioned it to her yet but you were reluctant on doing so, she’d probably deny everything anyway.
“what’s wrong with you ?? god.. are you on your period or something ?” she wasn’t even remotely phased by anything you were saying, if anything, she saw it as one big mockery.
you scoff in response, mumbling something under your breath as you listen to the professor continue on with his speech. you always knew jimin was the type to never wear her emotions on her sleeve, but it really rubbed you the wrong way at how she didn’t seem to shed an ounce of care about any of the people who lost their lives so abruptly.
“stop talking to yourself, makes you look even more like a weirdo,” jimin quickly comments, she was irritating you the more she kept talking. if you weren’t in this classroom right now, you’d be cursing her out and giving her hell to pay— but you simply kept your mouth shut for the time being. there’s a time and place for certain things..
your melancholy only worsened as the day went by, feeling this heavy, cinder block weight of depression carried on your shoulders. the more you thought of it, the more shitty you felt. anyone would have survivor’s guilt after what you’d gone through, but it only multiplied as it fully settled in, you felt guilty for even doing something as minuscule as breathing. you truly believed that you didn’t deserve to survive, that it should’ve be you in place of someone else… why didn’t you help anyone ?
once class was dismissed, you hurried up out of your seat to go meet up with your boyfriend. jimin followed behind you like a lapdog of course, but you didn’t want to speak to her. you debated on confronting her about yesterday, though you decided not to as you weren’t even sure where to begin.. you’d like to think that this was all just some intense fever dream you had but you know it wasn’t.
you physically remember being there, in your kitchen, sobbing to yourself while cleaning up the mess that jimin left. you couldn’t go back to sleep after that, not after the way she looked at you like that. vividly picturing the devil’s carved grin plastered on her face, like she was going to rip your heart out of your body and eat you alive. if you’re being completely honest, you were more fearful of your own life in that moment than you were at the bar.
even if you did tell her what happened, there’s a slim chance she’d take any responsibility for her own actions. her pride would never let her. you remember when you were kids she’d always make you get into so much trouble with her, but the minute you two got caught she’d simply deny everything and pin it all on you. jimin was always able to manipulate her way out of just about anything— sociopaths are quite charismatic. you’d often joke with her that she was one, to which she’d never deny or confirm. deep down you’d hope that your own best friend wasn’t, but those old memories gave you all the same reminiscing feelings you felt years ago. or maybe, you were just as demented as she is.. birds of a feather flock together, right ?
๑ ๑ ๑
jimin would only become increasingly possessive as time went on. she’s always exhibited quite clingy behaviors but things only snowballed from the night at the bar and onwards. she’d constantly be blowing up your phone, texting you the weirdest, most cryptic shit at 4 in the morning; or if you didn’t respond fast enough for her liking, she’d call you over twenty times until you finally answered, not caring at all if you were with anton. she only made you feel more guilty if you expressed needing space, simply threatening to harm herself or make it seem as if it’d be your fault if something bad were to happen and you didn’t pick up the phone. you don’t know what’s gotten into her lately, but she surely hasn’t been acting like herself ever since she interacted with that band.
a month has flown by and you notice jimin was starting to look paler than a ghost, the dark circles under her eyes made it seem as though she hasn’t gotten a wink of sleep in months. she looked like death. as if her own flesh was eating her from the inside out. you thought maybe it could be due to stress of some kind, but it wasn’t humanly possible for her to change this drastically. she resembled nothing short of a sickly patient lying on their deathbed, awaiting the grim reaper to come knocking at their doorstep at any minute. she lost a lot of weight as well, turning into a weaker, much more frail version of herself. it truly pained you to see her in such a state, how sunken in her face was, gaunt like a skeleton. an unbearable sight indeed..
“you look like shit..” you tried to say it the nicest way possible but there was no other way to express your concerns, “you okay.. ?”
“gee thanks, and yeah, never been better actually.” jimin replied, her tone laced with the utmost sarcasm.
obviously you don’t take her word for it. you know there’s something deeper going on but you didn’t impose any further. you didn’t want her to get upset or agitated with anymore of your prying, so you let it go for now.
the distressing environment around campus only thickens when a brutal murder was reported a few weeks ago. the sight of a decomposing body was found in the middle of the woods, right behind the football field. one of the professors discovered it as they took a walk along the trail— later identified to be sungchan, the hot and most beloved captain of the football team. his organs were scattered all over the perimeters, painting the greenery with a bold, crimson hue. some parts of his corpse weren’t able to be located, as most of his disemboweled body was eaten by the hungry animals, feasting on his rotting flesh like they just scored a full course meal.
this only caused an uproar of mass hysteria throughout the school, leaving everyone to believe that there may be something even more sinister going on. a vigil was held for him just as there was for the other victims who died in the fire; friends, family, and other town folk gathered around in memory of him. a police investigation was launched shortly after, but there haven’t been many updates on the case so far as no foul play was detected. the authorities simply assumed it to be an animal attack— albeit one of the most gruesome and barbaric attacks they’ve ever seen in their careers.
when you spoke to jimin about it one night, you discussed all possible theories you’ve been brainstorming in your head. you believed it very well could’ve been an animal that did it, possibly a wild bear that just enjoys munching on humans for dinner— but she told you that was far from likely. however, you thought maybe she was only saying that just to instill more fear in you, which secretly worked.
you didn’t completely dismiss the possibility of it being some bloodthirsty animal.. he was torn limb from limb with absolutely no sign of weapons being used, so the likeliness of a regular person being able to do something of that caliber with their own bare hands made it almost slim to none. you truly thought his death was one of the saddest ways to go out.. you never spoke to sungchan a day in your life but he was pretty popular and fairly well liked amongst everyone, you’d never guess him of all people would end up with a fate like this.
as you trudged through the halls, you bumped into one of your classmates wonbin, who’s been asking nonstop if you could set him up with jimin. you’ve known for a while that he’s always had a thing for her and was hoping you could play cupid and be the middle man for him. you’d been putting it off for a while since you highly doubted that she’d reciprocate those same feelings, but being the good sport you are, you end up telling him that you’ll talk to jimin, although you couldn’t make any promises.
upon meeting up with jimin later on in the day, you proposed the idea to her, but of course, she declined almost straight away saying she wasn’t interested. she referred to him as that ‘weird, stoner goth dude who tries too hard’ and wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole. you definitely expected her to be adverse to your idea, but maybe not to this extent. you just wanted to see your friend happy but of course jimin always has to ruin it…
however, not even an hour later, she ends up agreeing to it, as if a switch had flipped in her brain. you thought it was a bit strange how she’d simply gone from one extreme to the next but you didn’t question it as you had no reason to. ultimately, you were just happy for wonbin, at least he’d get to spend some alone time with his crush.
you on the other hand, had a multitude of worries of your own. you and anton were supposed to go see the new twilight movie in theaters, just to get your mind off everything— yet what you felt most anxious about was what’ll occur afterwards. you were planning on losing your virginity tonight, feeling as though you were ready to take the next step with him. well, at least you thought so.. but now you weren’t even feeling sure of that anymore. a part of you felt pressured to just lose it already and since you were dating anton, you may as well do it, right ? if only it were that simple..
๑ ๑ ๑
your nerves were at an all time high as you laid beneath his bare form. inhaling, exhaling, and repeating those same steps over and over. your mind was racing a million miles per minute, staring up at the ceiling as you rethink all of your life decisions.
everything seemed fine at first, until it wasn’t..
you couldn’t seem to put your finger on it, but all you knew was that this felt strange.. something doesn’t feel right.. all you could do was lay there, utterly detached from reality.
numbness.. that’s all you felt..
you wanted to crawl into your own skin and die, you shouldn’t be so repulsed by your own boyfriend being on top of you— but that was the only emotion you bore.
everything felt so foreign to you, his touch, the way he caressed you, it didn’t feel right. you couldn’t shake this odd sensation, it was something you didn’t want for yourself. you wanted to puke, absolutely sick to your stomach.
he kissed your neck, but you don’t feel a thing. completely stoic and emotionless. all you’re thinking about right now is jimin. you had this inclination that something went terribly wrong and you needed an escape.
“i-i can’t do this.. i’m sorry..” you finally say out loud, quickly pushing him off of you before anything else could continue.
“did i do something wrong ?” anton asks, confused by your sudden coldness.
you simply don’t answer, scrambling to put on your clothes and leaving his house in a hurry to go and run to your car. you began driving in the direction of jimin’s dorm, not knowing whether she’d be there or not. the limited amount of streetlights made it even more difficult to see, but you spot a shadowy figure heading towards you on the main road.
in a rush of panic you slammed onto the brakes hard, trying not to run over whatever’s coming towards the vehicle, thinking it was probably a deer or something—but you see that it’s jimin, her clothes stained in blood just like night she was in your kitchen. you immediately got out of the car to go help her but she was no longer there anymore, as if she’s vanished into thin air.
confusion doesn’t even begin to describe what you were feeling.. reluctantly heading back home, hoping that it was all some vivid hallucination that you were having— but the minute you went upstairs into your room, you see jimin sitting on your bed, not a single drop of blood detected anywhere on her anymore.
“what are you doing here ?” you ask, blankly staring down at her over the rim of your glasses.
“just wanted to drop by and see my favorite girl.” she smiles crookedly, looking much healthier than she did when you saw her earlier, “what’s wrong with that, hm?”
“why’re you in my bed ? just go back to your dorm jimin.” you didn’t have time for her little games right now, you just wanted to shut the whole world out.
“but i wanna stay… plus we always used to sleep together when we had sleep overs.” she pouts, proceeding to get even more comfortable as she had no plans on leaving anytime soon.
“is that my grateful dead t-shirt?” you get a bit closer to examine, growing irritated that she went through your stuff without even asking.
she doesn’t respond, at least not in the way you think she would. instead, jimin harshly pressed her lips against yours. stretching the neckline of your shirt to pull all your weight on top of hers. she managed to have some self control at first, but that didn’t last too long as she savored the taste of you. hesitantly, you kissed her back, whimpering at the feel of her tongue prodding at your lips, begging for entry. your mouth slightly parts, giving her just enough leeway for her to devour you in the sloppiest, most depraved way possible. she kissed you hard, hard enough to knock the wind out of you. nothing but raw passion and burning desire throughout.
her lips moved in perfect harmony with yours, tangling your hands into her messy, raven locks. jimin would only grow more unhinged, never letting you gasp for air for more than half a second. she explored the depths of you, every nook and cranny, like she wanted you down to the marrow, swallowing you whole. she felt this primal urge in wanting to bite you, to sign your death with her teeth— but she resisted, at least not yet anyway.
when her hands came up to find your hips, her touch felt scorching hot against your skin… lifting your skirt up inch by inch. then the realization of what you’re doing finally hits, that you have a goddamn boyfriend and this isn’t something you should ever be doing with your best friend. quickly getting off of her, shouting in protest.
“jimin, what the fuck ?!” you were horrified, not even wanting to look at her anymore.
“language y/n !” she giggles at your filthy vocabulary, licking her lips to capture your taste once more, “don’t act like you weren’t enjoying it either.”
“but i’ll admit, the reason i’m here exactly is.. i have a confession to make..” she takes a dramatically long pause before continuing, “i haven’t been completely honest with you, and you’re the only one i can trust.”
you look at her strangely, unsure of what she fully meant by that, “what is it..”
“i’m dead.”
now you’re staring at her as if she just said the most absurd shit you ever heard, which quite literally it was.
“huh ? what do you mean you’re dead?”
“what do you not understand y/n, it’s pretty self explanatory.” she casually says if she were simply talking about the weather.
“i’m not sure i follow..” you didn’t get where she was heading with any of this, hoping that it’s just some joke with a bad punchline.
“it means i’m dead— as in not alive.” she repeats nonchalantly.
“jimin, shut up. you’re not funny.” crossing your arms in annoyance, growing more impatient with her by the second.
“it’s true, i swear !”
“you’re ridiculous..” you’ve had enough of her little shenanigans, ready to walk away from her but she grabs you at the last minute, forcibly bringing you back to meet her gaze.
“just listen, it’ll all make sense soon,” she pleads, flashing you a sweet, puppy eyed look that could make anyone fold almost instantly.
“‘kay.. fine whatever.” you heave a sigh, sitting back down on your bed, still a bit reluctant on hearing her out.
“there’s something inside me… an evil entity,” she explains further, “ever since that night at the bar my body feels.. different.” she proceeds to tell you this dumb story that you weren’t buying for a second.
“c’mon, you really expect to believe tha-”
she cuts you off, proceeding to go on a whole tangent, “remember that band i told you about ? they drove me out to the creek, dragged me out of the van and offered me as a virgin sacrifice in exchange for fame and fortune. they kept telling me how hard it was to make it as an indie band so this was the only option they had left.. all i can remember afterwards was how much pain i was in… they each took turns stabbing me to death, singing some creepy chant as they did it, then they lit me on fire.. but the problem is that i’m not a virgin, so when sky and his little gang murdered me the ritual backfired and a demonic spirit took over my body. i was able to escape the forest but i left feeling so hungry.. so on my way back home, i saw some guy on the opposite side of the pavement, he looked quite edible so i ate him. and that’s how i started eating human flesh.”
you had no words. your only reaction was to blink rapidly at everything she just told you. there’s no way she could be telling you the truth, stuff like that only happens in movies, pure fiction. “that’s the craziest fucking story you’ve ever made up in your entire life, yu jimin.”
she seemingly grows frustrated at the fact you aren’t taking her words seriously, but she kept on talking anyway. “i’m being serious y/n, you’ve gotta believe me ! they’re basically agents of satan, they simply used me as a pawn. i was their gateway to the lifestyle they so desperately wanted to achieve..”
“so what you’re saying is that you’ve been reincarnated as a demonic spirit that feeds off of human flesh ? that’s what you’re trying to get at ??” you ask, confirming her very weird, but oddly specific narrative.
jimin nods, “yes, that’s precisely what i’m trying to say.”
“so.. you’re telling me you’re the one who killed sungchan ?” you question outrightly, hoping at the very least she had nothing to do with it, but if what she is saying was true that could very well be a possibility.
she nods again, “yep. and wonbin.”
your blood ran cold the minute upon hearing that, eyes almost bulging out of their sockets, “wait- what ?!”
“yeah, i only agreed to meet up with him just to eat him. so it’s practically your fault that he’s dead.” she shrugs, seeing it as if it was no big deal.
you couldn’t comprehend a single thing your ears were hearing right now.. your own classmate was dead and gone because of your best friend.
“you’re a fucking monster.. he had a whole life ahead of him. hopes and dreams just like the rest of us..”
“well, now he’s food for worms, sucks to suck,” jimin shrugs again, speaking so nonchalant about everything it made you want to scream at the top of your lungs.
disgusted didn’t even amount up to what you felt, sitting there in silence trying to process all of this.
“anyway, wanna see something cool?” she asks, not even bothering to await your response as you gave her the most questionable look of all mankind.
“i can withstand any injury without pain and i’m difficult to kill, see.” she takes one of your gel pens from your nightstand and stabs it straight into her own wrist, she was bleeding heavily at first but then the wounds start to close up within a few seconds, eventually fading away as if she didn’t just stab herself at all.
“see ! how cool is that ?? like some x-men type shit,” she says like a giddy school kid, bragging over her new abilities. “when i’m full, i’m practically invincible. i’m a fucking god.”
again, you were too stunned to speak. you genuinely thought you were losing your mind at this point, there’s no way any of this is real. it’s all a bad dream. you just need to pinch yourself and you’ll wake up, right ..?
“oh by the way, that night i snuck into your place, i was having all sorts of thoughts.. even thought about hurting you but i could never do that..” she finally admits to the night when she went into your kitchen, “i was just so hungry but nothing would satisfy my craving..” her eyes were a window to the truth, and by the looks of how empty they were, it was safe to assume you still had every right to frightened.
“jimin, i- i really think you should leave…” your whole body was practically shaking, you couldn’t bear to look but you were far more terrified of looking away— falling apart at the seams.
she doesn��t even budge a little upon hearing you, “oh c’monn y/n, let me stay the night; we can play boyfriend and girlfriend like we used to… good times am i right ?” she strokes your hand with hers, not even fully understanding the gravity of what she’s done or said this whole time.
“jimin you’re freaking me the fuck out !” you raise your voice louder, removing yourself away from her touch. how could you let a literal murderer touch you ?
“there’s no need for you to be. i already told you that i’m not gonna hurt you.. at least not in that way..” jimin clung onto you again, this time dragging you back down onto the bed as she forced herself on top of you.
you scrunch your eyes shut at the feel of her hands on you, idle fingers sneaking under the hem of your top. a surge of heat flushes down your thighs, blood rushing to your cheeks... and to your core. god, you were so embarrassed right now.
“w-what are you doing …?” you breathe out, opening your eyes once again, only to see her staring straight into your soul.
“don’t get all shy on me now.. we’re just havin’ a bit of fun,” she answers, “just messing around like the old days, right ?” she slid her index finger under the band of your skirt, pulling you closer, her lips only centimeters away from yours.
“jimin no, please-” you begin, but don’t have the time to finish your sentence.
“shh, it’s okay, i’ll take the lead. we can go slow… i promise i won’t bite. unless you want me to.” she darkly chuckles, tilting her head to the side, pressing a light kiss to your lips. surprisingly, you reciprocate it. she pulls her hand away from your skirt, enveloping it around your throat, not putting too much pressure around it just yet. “see, i knew you’d be into it, you’re my little freak, aren’t you ?”
you hated that you were getting aroused from this, the way she spoke to you in that husky tone. that same bubbling heat rushing to your core again.. you wanted to fight it, you truly did, but you couldn’t. your mind was telling you one thing but your body was reacting differently, as if you were under some spell that she casted.
you don’t know what to answer to that. is there even anything you can even say back to her ? you couldn’t speak even if you wanted to. and besides, what’s the point of lying when she has you trapped between her body and your mattress, her fingers gripping your neck, her lips brushing over your face, would you really be lying if you said you weren’t enjoying this ? she practically knows you better than your own self at times, of course she’d be able to tell…
she kisses you again, but this time much hungrier, her tongue dominating yours easily. she nudges your legs open with her knee, her other hand swiftly diving under the hem of your skirt, groping your soft flesh in a lewd way that keeps you out of breath— apart from the fact that her tongue is currently exploring your mouth.
she grazes the bump of your pussy covered by your lace panties with her fingers, making your knees buckle at the unexpected contact. you wanted to close your legs shut, but when she slowly rubs the pad of her middle finger over your clit, a desperate whine escapes your throat, muffled by her mouth on yours. the moment only brief until she dips her hand into your underwear.
you try to make her stop by grabbing ahold of her wrist, pulling away from her lips to pathetically whisper a ‘p-please’ that only makes her giggle in response.
“mm.. already begging for me, sweetheart ?” she softly laughs, smirking at you. “excited by the idea of my fingers in your little cunt instead of your boyfriend’s ? hm ?”
you frown because that wasn’t the reason why you begged her, but now that she said this... your thoughts are going into a completely different direction. what the hell’s wrong with you ?
“you wanna know how it feels, baby? what it’s like to have your pussy stuffed by someone else’s fingers…” her dirty talk only continues, you couldn’t fathom this was really jimin speaking to you in such a vulgar manner like this. your best friend who’s about to take your virginity whether you wanted it to happen or not, she was going to make sure that anton could never have you in such a way, wanted to ruin it for everyone else like she always does.
she’s not waiting for a response as she starts stroking your bundle of nerves in slow circular motions, applying some pressure to really make you feel it. you let out another whine, this time of genuine pleasure.
jimin then shifts down to your entrance, circling it with a lot of delicacy, but this gentleness of hers doesn’t go on for too long as she pushes a finger into you without warning. you bit down on your bottom lip harshly— the size of her fingers in no comparison to yours. your eyes swelled with water, faint little cries escaping your mouth when she adds a second digit.
“i know, i know,” she whispers, “must be uncomfortable, hm?” you nod your head, confirming her words. “it’ll feel good soon, i promise. you’re probably only used to the feel of your tiny fingers, it’s normal…”
when she says this, you have a hard time believing her. how could it feel good when you weren’t at all prepared for this— when it’s not what you wanted..
she begins moving her fingers in and out of you, slow and long strokes at first, circling your clit with her thumb at the same time. she’d curls her fingers every so often, making a little hook shape, patting your sweet spot. the intrusion was uncomfortable, but it progressively gets so much more pleasurable as she thrusts into you at a regular pace.
tears continued to flow, falling down to your cheeks, lashes all wet and sticky, but they weren’t the result of your pain…
“god.. look at you. so pretty when you cry,” jimin murmurs beside your ear, butterflies swirling in your stomach when she tells you this.
she unwraps her hand from your throat to instead grab your thigh, placing your leg around her shoulder. you now feel her fingers way deeper inside of you, gently and deliciously stimulating your g spot. you dare to look down where her left hand is operating between your thighs, sliding in until she’s knuckles deep into your pussy. this makes you breathless, head rolling back onto your pillows, having never experienced anything like this before.
“o-oh my god-!” you exclaim when jimin’s ministrations bring you so close to your orgasm. your legs couldn’t stop twitching, your body warning you of your approaching high.
you’d probably be more aware of how hard she was if it weren’t trapped in her loosely fitting jeans, but you literally cannot focus on anything else other than jimin fingering you, hitting your sensitive spots each time she thrusts in.
“that’s it, baby,” she coaxes, moving faster. “you feel it ? huh?” she asks and you’re able to croak out a weak ‘yes’. “tell me how it feels.”
you hate her questions— you hate them so damn much. she knows how you feel, but she wants you to say it, she wants you to say that you enjoy it, and… your body really does.
“g-good.”
“yeah?” she breathes out, fucking your cunt with her fingers, enthralled by the little moans and whimpers you let out.
“yes,” you confirm, closing your eyes and slowly nodding your head. “fuck !” you curse out when you finally reach your high, nails digging into her forearm as you ride out your orgasm, your entire body violently shaking.
jimin helps you by slowly rubbing your puffy dewy clit in circles, telling you more dirty words in your ear, all while said in the sweetest tone, as if what she’s doing can be described as anything sweet.
“good girl,” she praises, “see, i told you it’d feel great.”
she still has her head in the crook of your neck, and you frown at the feeling of sharp teeth against your skin. it’s barely there, just brushing over it, as if hesitating to act… but jimin retrieves back, looking into your reddened eyes.
she could simply stop there, but she won’t— not until she fully got what she wanted, she needs more…
she pulls her hand out of your panties, fingers glistening with your arousal. “open wide for me, baby,” she instructs.
you glance at her hand, a little repulsed. you’ve never thought about tasting yourself and it’s surely nothing you’d have ever done… if not for her.
you then reluctantly open your mouth and she enters her wet fingers in.
“suck,” she adds on, expecting you to blindly follow all of her orders, and you do so without a second thought.
she stares down at you while you lick her fingers clean and she slides them a bit deeper, pushing down on your tongue. the taste of yourself isn’t what you thought it’d be… it doesn’t taste like much of anything, in fact.
she removes her fingers from your mouth only to put them in her own after. “just as sweet as you are,” she grins. “stand up for me, wan’ you to suck me off.”
your wobbly legs do their best at balancing themselves, slowly getting up only to be told to get back down on your knees. you sink down to the ground, leaning over to eye her stiff erection through her pants, slowly rubbing your hand over it as you palm her in your grasp. she hisses at the feel, already loving how you obediently take orders, how you’ve become nothing but a mindless slut for her.
you didn’t know the first thing you were doing but you did what felt natural, so you free her cock from the confines of her pants and underwear, watching as it sprung out and slapped against her stomach. jimin was huge. her veiny, pink dick standing tall in front of you, gulping as you debate on how you’re going to take all of her in your tiny mouth.
her length throbbed in your small hand, tip already leaking out a pearly bead of precum, dribbling onto your fingers. you slowly press your mouth against the tip, keeping it there for a bit to get a little taste of her and to get used to the feel. then you swirled your tongue lightly around it, loving the salty tanginess of her precum against your tongue.
“fuck… feel so good around me already,” she bit her lip harshly, gripping the sheets as she groans with pleasure.
you wrap your mouth tighter around her length as you begin to slide your head down. bobbing it back and forth, keeping a tight suction on her cock, making sure not to use any teeth. you feel jimin’s hips jolt up from the feel as you drew more saliva from your mouth, making a mess all over yourself.
she let out a low moan when her length hits the back of your throat, accidentally gagging at how much you took. you couldn’t take all of her in your mouth completely, but you did the best with what you could, bobbing your head as your hand stroked the rest. the way you looked while taking her made her want to combust at the very sight, nothing could compare to having your mouth around her.
“atta girl, keep going— just like that baby— ahh….” she keeps encouraging you, giving you small praises here and there. she does her best not to keep her eyes off you but she wanted to shut her eyes from how good you were making her feel, you were such a natural at this. as you continued stroking her cock with your pretty, talented mouth, she elicits more moans and it only makes you want to make her cum faster.
jimin bit her lip even harder, trying so hard not to close her eyes, taking in shallow breaths. she could feel herself getting closer and her whole body tenses up like she’s got a volcano erupting inside her.
“shit— think ‘m gonna come… damn baby…”
you couldn’t say anything since her cock was buried deep down your throat. the only thing on your mind right now was getting her to finish inside your mouth. you lightly hum as you pick up your pace, she matches your movements with her hips, fucking your mouth aggressively. there was saliva everywhere, your face was flushed and you seriously looked such a mess. a beautiful mess, all for yu jimin.
you feel her thickness throbbing in your mouth and a warm sensation hits the back of your throat. white ropes of her cum releases into you and you swallow it immediately, to which you earn yourself a “good girl” as you look up at her, drinking up all her cum. surprisingly, she tasted really good, emptying every last drop of her, once you finally pulled away she orders for you to get back on the bed and to bend over for her. you only hesitated for a second, looking at her credulously before doing what she asked of you, trembling legs meeting with the soft sheets again.
“are you…?” you say under your breath, peering over your shoulder to see jimin stroking herself, looking at your glistening pussy that’s spread on perfect display for her.
“gonna put my cock inside you ?” she finishes your question for you. “yeah, i am.”
you stop breathing at her answer, sensing her deft fingers touching your thighs and hips, going under your skirt to drag your panties down. she gives a couple more pumps before aligning herself with your dripping wet entrance. her free hand keeping your skirt crumpled up over your ass, laying the other one on your hip.
“careful, sweetheart,” she says softly beside your ear, “this might sting a little bit more than two fingers.” she swipes the head of her cock through your sticky folds and all you can do is moan pathetically at the feeling, lewd, wet noises echoing throughout the room.
you can’t see her length even with the way you contort your head to look over your shoulder, but you’re still able to see her chest and hips moving as she pushes her cock into your pussy. the burning sensation of your cunt getting stretched out was enough to make you see stars, and she was right. this hurts way more than her fingers, the two feelings were not comparable at all.
“jimin-,” you cry out, holding onto the sheets below you for dear life until there’s no more blood circulating in your knuckles.
she hears you, loving the sounds you’re making because of her and the way you say her name with eyes full of tears. when she bottoms out inside of you, her pelvis flushed against your ass, she lets out a low grunt and throws her head back, closing her eyes to savour the pleasure entirely.
you bit onto your lip, compressing a moan that dared to slip from your mouth again. she deliberately pounded into you, like she wanted everyone near to know just how badly she was ruining you, wanting you to beg and cry out for mercy, like she wanted every bone in your body to bend and break.
you involuntarily clench around her, making her tighten her grip on your hip. she thrusts herself deeper into you, her cock sliding in and out of your pussy at an agonizingly harsh pace. each time she bottoms out, jimin makes sure the skin of her thighs slap against your ass, the sounds almost as loud as your little moans and whimpers.
your wetness allows her to fuck her cock into your pussy back and forth, welcoming her so perfectly without any restriction. it’s almost impossible for her to not hit your sweet spot, and she reaches so much deeper when she lifts up your thigh with the hand that was previously placed on your hip.
you don’t know how long you can stay in this position for, especially when jimin’s drilling her hard cock into you like nothing else matters. it’s like she needs it from you, and as the pleasure only builds up in you, you start thinking you need it desperately, too.
you’re breathing heavily, and so is she, feeling her hot breath fanning against your neck when she tilts her head down closer to yours. you can clearly hear her breathing now as well as her deep grunts that leave her mouth every time your gummy walls close tightly around her, literally sucking her right in.
“shit,” she curses out as she pushes lightly on your back, deepening the arch of it so your ass is flushed against her pelvis.
she kisses your neck pretty messily, but it only raises the temperature of your body, your skin boiling hot under her soft lips. she leaves a wet trail behind, going up to your ear, down to your shoulder. telling her to stop isn’t even possible anymore, it wouldn’t make any sense… would be absolutely stupid when you’re so close to your second orgasm. you shouldn’t be enjoying any of this but it’s honestly arousing you so much.. jimin lets go of your thigh to take a hold of your jaw, turning it around so she can look at your face.
your mouth gaped to let out big puffs of air, and it’s the same for her, her breathing being irregular and heavy. she didn’t think she would ever need something that badly, which is making you hers, surprisingly enough. making you hers in whatever way possible; whether it’s by fucking you to death or eating you— or both. jimin doesn’t care, she just wants it. it doesn’t take long for your second orgasm to pass through you, arms and legs shaking as the knot at the pit of your stomach snaps. jimin feels it very clearly, your walls hugging her cock terribly tightly, bringing her closer to her own orgasm as well.
“please.. jimin, so good..”
“gonna come in this tight little virgin pussy.” she captured your waist pulling you closer into her. “wanna put a baby in you, bet you’d like that, huh ?”
“holy fuck,” she hisses, her hip thrusts accelerating, literally burying her cock in your cunt until strings of white paints your insides. “oh, god…”
she stays in this position for a couple of seconds, catching her breath. she then slightly backs away, making sure to keep your skirt crumpled up over your butt, looking at the mess she made of you.
but she wasn’t done just yet, she wanted you to be completely, utterly, and thoroughly ruined by all parts of her. her fingers, her cock, and now her tongue.
“just need another taste..” jimin couldn’t get enough of you, practically blinded by lust, all she wants is to have you, only you, no one else was more perfect than you.
she bends down, toying with your clit and licking your opening until you turned into a yelping mess underneath her tongue, tugging onto the sheets, pillows, whatever you could grasp, feeling like you were about to die. she had a strong grip on your thighs, kept you in place while you came on her tongue like you were made for it, so pretty and ashamed that she’s lost all self-restraint, if ever had any to begin with.
she continued to lap at your cunt, kissing and sucking at your clit, moaning into your heat. hands caressing your thighs, fingernails piercing, spreading you open wider for her. you grind against her face and jimin couldn’t help but moan at the way you were so enthralled by the feel. her tongue never letting up against your clit, following your cunt with every movement you make, not letting you catch a break from the feeling of her against you.
her mouth domes around your clit, sucking you right in, teeth lightly grazing against your bud, momentarily making your back arch. mid arch, jimin slips two fingers into you. the slight sting makes you hiss as she stretches you out again, long digits buried to the knuckles inside of you upon initial thrust. she soon plants open mouthed kisses against your cunt, fingers working their way in and out of you at an obnoxious pace, curling naturally.
the combination of jimin’s tongue and fingers, along with her lips planting kisses against your cunt in between sloppy licks, is all too overwhelming. you couldn’t stop clenching around her fingers, pulling them in to beg for more, to which she gladly gives. fingers fucking into you faster, much deeper than ever before. the feeling of your impeding orgasm has you shaking, practically vibrating, unable to brace yourself for it.
tears pooling down the side of your face as you moan out for her. the tips of her fingers repeatedly hit the soft, gushy spot deep inside of you, biting her lip as she watches you come undone for her all over again. her thumb massaged your clit, slowly but surely dragging you further off the edge. you felt yourself relax into her touch, into the feeling of lust and desire fully engulfing your soul. that’s when it takes over… your vision blurs, almost going black, mouth agape as you let out broken moans. it’s all too much for you to handle, but you never want it to end..
your chest is getting hot and heavy, tightening as you cum, releasing all stress and tension, absolutely melting into this state that makes you feel like you’re floating. your body was on cloud nine as your cunt spills all over her fingers, wetness squirting all over jimin’s forearm and thighs.
“jimin…” you said her name on repeat, so low and barely audible, mind all foggy and hazy, as if she’d hypnotized you and the only word you can say was her name.
๑ ๑ ๑
a modus operandi. every killer has one, don’t they ?
some tend to prey on the young, weak, and most vulnerable. some may even go so far as devising a foolproof scenario that’ll get others to feel sorry for them, only to lure them right into their devious traps.
jimin was no exception to this rule. she knew exactly how to use her beauty and charisma to get anyone to fall for her tricks. she didn’t need to put in too much effort or seek anyone out because they’d always come to her. it was almost too easy, she had a whole line of men at her disposal on campus, all of which could soon become her next meal. and no one knew a goddamn thing besides you. which only made you want to scream internally. only you knew the real truth.
wonbin’s death was the next topic of discussion for this whole week as more terror spewed upon the town. no one saw it coming, he was the last person anyone would think could be a target. gossip spread around quickly, revealing more details about the scene of the crime.
some of his internal organs were missing and was cannibalized just like sungchan was. his body was so badly mutilated the authorities couldn’t even identify him at first. many were now believing it to be an act of some kind of satanic cult as there was a gigantic pentagram smeared in blood on his bedroom mirror. some were even saying that he looked like ‘lasagna with teeth’, to which you shuddered at that mental image being planted in your mind.
there was a campus curfew set in place to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the rest of the students. everyone’s worried they’ll be next, and since the killer hasn’t been caught this only made the entire town as a whole become on edge. the streets were barren, no sign of any activity past nine o’clock. no one felt safe, it was as if everything was on lockdown now. many were concerned that the upcoming spring formal would get canceled, but it’s been confirmed that it’ll still be held, although the times were changed from 7-10 PM to 6-8 PM to follow the curfew’s ‘no one out past nine o’clock rule’.
while studying in the library, you decided to do some of your own research about jimin’s strange condition, reading as many occult books as you could find. you later discovered that she’s a succubus; a female demon that has sexual activity with other men. she was at her weakest state whenever she’s hungry, needing to feed on human flesh in order to sustain her lifespan and overall appearance. you never believed in the supernatural before all of this, but now that you’ve seen it with your own two eyes, you don’t think you’ll be able to live a normal life again.
“this can’t be real… there’s no way any of this is a coincidence, first the fire now a cannibal psycho’s on the loose?” anton rants about the recent murders as you sat on the swings at the park together. you were jealous of how blissfully ignorant he was, how he had no idea how much deeper this all ran.
“i know… it seems like we can’t catch a break, now the whole words got a raging tragedy boner for us..” you sigh out heavily, still shocked by how much media coverage all of this was getting, and even more uncertain if you wanted to tell him everything.
“you alright ?” he suddenly asks, noticing the way your head hung low as you stared at your feet. it was as if he could read your mind.
you pause for a moment, battling with your own inner demons on whether or not it was a good time to tell him everything, but you decide to be honest. it was the least you could do after what happened the other day…
“actually no.. i’m not..” you couldn’t withhold this information all to yourself anymore, you had to tell anton. you needed to keep him from going to the spring formal; it wasn’t safe for him to go, even if you would be with him.
so you spill everything, starting off from the night of going to the bar with jimin, how she was brutally murdered and left for dead by that boy band who used her as a ‘virgin’ sacrifice, you told him about how she was there in your kitchen, and how she ended up slaughtering so many innocent people in her wake. you felt so sure of yourself that anton would believe you, but you were soon proven wrong the minute he opened his mouth.
“yeah you’ve officially lost it y/n, i hope you know that.” he looks at you as if you’ve gone crazy, mirroring the same actions as you from the night that jimin confessed to you.
“i’m telling the truth anton, you’ve gotta believe me. you have to promise me that you won’t go...” you practically beg, hoping that all of this won’t fall on deaf ears, but of course, he doesn’t listen.
“i’m sorry but i don’t believe anything you’re saying right now.” he chooses to remain stubborn, staying in his ignorant little bubble as if you were just making all of this up just to get a reaction out of him.
“anton, i love you and care about you so much, that’s why i’m asking you not to go.” you continue to try and reason with him, hoping that he’ll change his mind somehow, even if you sounded like a lunatic you didn’t care.
“she’s going to strike again that night, i can feel it. it’ll be like an all you can eat buffet for her !” you may not be the most morally correct person, but anton’s life was on the line. you just don’t want him getting turned into satan chow…
“look, i’m going and that’s final y/n. with or without you.” he wasn’t interested in hearing whatever else you had to say, he’s already made up his mind and there no use in changing it.
you huff out of frustration, unable to think of anything else so you do what you feel was best for him and the both of you. “i really didn’t wanna have to do this but it isn’t safe for us to be together. i think it’s best we break up..”
his eyes widened, feeling the pace of his heart quicken at your sudden words, “what ? you can’t be serious, y/n.”
“i bet jimin put you up to this, didn’t she ?” his jaw clenched, fuming at the thought of jimin conspiring a whole plan in getting you two to finally break up, it’s what she always would’ve wanted, and now anton feels like he’s just lost that seven month long, intensive battle against him.
you repeatedly shook your head, denying his accusation. but deep down you knew that you’ve already broken his trust anyway. maybe it was for the better that you were no longer together.
“are you really too blinded to see? she’s always been a bad influence on you..” anton was fed up at this point, feeling rightfully hurt by how easily you wanted to end this relationship all because of jimin. “if she told you to jump, i bet you’d ask ‘how high?’, she’s got you wrapped around her finger, controlling you like a damn puppet !”
you were now the one to get in defensive mode, visibly getting upset. but you couldn’t get too upset, you knew there was a small truth to that statement, you were willing to do a lot of things you normally wouldn’t for jimin, but you weren’t just going to let anton talk to you like that. your pride was too strong, plus you were already dealing with enough as it is. parting ways from each other was probably the best solution for you two.
“no.. i was only trying to protect you, but don’t say i didn’t warn you..” you gave him one last chance to rethink his decision but you knew he wouldn’t.
on that note, you end up heading back home. leaving anton all alone to go ponder in his own thoughts, feeling his eyes burning holes into the back of your head as he watched you walk away, fading into the void of obscurity.
๑ ๑ ๑
the night of the spring formal was finally here. the night you’ve been dreading since having that conversation with anton, forcing you to break up with him. the minute you got here you’ve been on high alert, scanning the area for any sign of suspicious activity, bringing a swiss knife with you as an added layer of protection. everyone was dressed in their best attire, bodies swaying to the music as they all tried to have a good time despite of everything that’s been happening. you didn’t see anton which you thought was a good sign, but surprisingly, you also don’t see jimin anywhere either.
you were engulfed in nostalgia once mr.bright side by the killers airs on the overhead speakers of the gymnasium; which used to be you and jimin’s favorite song in high school, but that fond memory only brought a wave of sadness to your soul now. looking back on those days, you specifically remember how much jimin’s presence gave you strength to keep going; to keep existing. you truly felt as though you had no reason to live, but she gave you one.
during your adolescent years, it was nothing but turbulence and chaos. your father would routinely come home at the crack of dawn, drunk as sin and belligerent, destroying everything he touched. your mother would do her best to shield you from seeing and hearing their daily arguments, telling you to go straight to your room and lock the door until she says it’s safe to come back out. but being the nosy, and curious child you were you’d push your ear up to the door and listen. hearing the most horrid, degrading words he’d spew, beating her black and blue until he physically grew tired and passed out on the couch. you’d run away from home a couple times, going to jimin for comfort, finding solace in one another.
jimin could easily relate to your struggles, how you both felt as though no one saw you as real, raw human beings. her father left before she was even born and her mother would dabble in sex work to keep the lights on. she despised every single one of those men who’d come into her home, sometimes her mom would be gone for several days on end, forcing her to grow up at such a young age and take care of herself. she wanted to seek revenge on all of those men who violated her, kill them with her own bare hands. maybe that’s why she’d act out so much, she was just a kid being a kid— but no one ever saw the cries for help, no one paid attention to the signs, or the scars. just labeled as a pretty face with ugly intentions. you never saw her that way though, you were the light at the end of the tunnel, her saving grace. yeah you may have been the awkward kid who didn’t talk much, but eventually she got you to open up. and ever since then, you’ve been conjoined at the hip.
a part of you still wants to believe that she’s that same naïve little girl you once knew, still so lost and so confused. but you couldn’t keep making excuses for her, even if she was a damaged soul, so were you. you truly brought out the best and the worst of each other, having seen each other at some of your lowest points in life. which is why you made a vow to never leave the other behind, but we change and evolve over time, it’s natural to grow distant. jimin simply couldn’t handle the fact that someone else made you smile, made you feel all those emotions she once made you feel— you were slipping right through her fingers. you were all she had left. and she wasn’t going to lose you, not now, not ever.
๑ ๑ ๑
an hour’s passed by already and there was still no sight of either of the two. your mild worries would soon fester into full blown anxiousness when you get this innate feeling that anton could be in danger. you weren’t exactly sure where he was, or if he’s had an encounter with jimin, but all you could think about right now was saving his life. even though you betrayed him in the end by sleeping with jimin, you couldn’t let him die, you’d never be able to live with yourself if you let that happen. so you hurried out of there and went looking for him, having zero idea exactly where you were headed, but your mind just kept telling you run, run, run.
you don’t know how long you’ve been running for, maybe around twenty, thirty minutes ? who even knows anymore. your legs grew tired, stopping midway to take a breather, until you ended up at an old abandoned pool house. you had an overwhelmingly bad feeling about the place the more you looked at it, but when you heard the gut wrenching screams coming from inside that only confirmed your suspicions, sounding a lot like someone you knew. you ran inside, following their cries for help as you try and locate which direction it was coming from, only to find jimin who seems to have found her next victim— your ex boyfriend.
“get away from him !” you demand while shouting from across the room. you can feel your heartbeat accelerate as you’re speed running towards them both, forcefully pushing her off of anton, tackling jimin onto the floor.
“why’re you doing this to innocent people ?!” you had held some hope that jimin wouldn’t harm him, but then again you should’ve known this was bound to happen..
“i’m killing boys, there’s a big difference,” she devilishly smirks, swiping the blood off her lower lip with the back of her hand.
jimin throws you off of her, causing you to wince in pain as your face made contact with the cold, tiled ground. you wouldn’t back down that easily though, getting right back up to finish what you started. sprinting towards her before she could get back to the work of her own brutality.
“y’know, now that i think of it. you were never a good friend to me,” you angrily spat, walking up to her with your head held high, refusing to let fear win this time. “you used to rip the head off my barbie dolls and pour spoiled milk all over my bed !”
jimin chuckles at your little speech, utterly amused by your resilience, even found it cute how you were still reminiscing about the past. “and now i’m eating your boyfriend, at least i’m consistent.” she shrugged.
“you make me fucking sick..” you grit through your teeth, grabbing ahold of her before she could take another bite out of anton’s shoulder.
using all your strength, you’d shoved her into the pool, submerging her into the water, attempting to drown her, but those efforts were futile when she regains control. she pulls you back, teeth becoming sharper, like tiny daggers, sinking them into the flesh of your neck. before you could react, you’re the one being lodged into the water; claw-like nails digging into your scalp, razor sharp, heavy against your skull.
it’s hard to keep your head above the water due to the forceful heaviness and before you know it, attempting to hold your breath renders itself useless due to large amounts of water infiltrating your lungs. you’re flailing, thrashing around, arms lifting— hands frantically attempting to grab ahold of anything, only to slash through the water, legs kicking mindlessly.
you had to get her off you real quick, or else you felt as though you were going to die. your body grew weaker and weaker, seeing your life flash before your very eyes as panic fully sets in. it felt as though this was going on for hours.. being edged by death over and over; feeling as if you were going to black out soon. your vision was blocked by the dark, murkiness of the water, ensuring to agitate you with fright, unsure of when it’s all going to come to an end.
and then it does… finally able to emerge from the coldness as you cough up all the water you inhaled. it took a few minutes for you to be able to learn how to breathe again, attempting to calm yourself down, only to turn around seeing both anton and jimin wailing in pain for two completely different reasons. anton was lying on the ground, putting pressure on his neck as jimin stood there frozen, holding onto the pool skimmer that was deliberately pierced through her stomach.
“you son of a fucking bitch…” she mutters, remaining still for a second, as if she was processing what just happened. a slew of more curses left her lips, sucking in air through her teeth to appease the pain as much as she can. she’d slowly but surely drop to her knees, and a few seconds later she’s collapsing to the ground in a pool of her own blood.
you go up to anton, staring down at his wounded figure, his neck and shoulder bleeding profusely. “i’m sorry i couldn’t save you..” you sniffled, unable to hold back tears you’ve shed, wishing you could’ve been just a few minutes earlier.
“it’s okay.. i love you y/n..” anton weakly spoke, coughing up red splatters of blood as he took his last few and final breathes.
you gave him one last kiss as his eyes closed, you checked for a pulse but there was no sign of life, officially pronouncing him dead. you turned around and jimin was gone. forcing you to run out of the place to go and looking for her. there was no other option you had left at this point, it was either you or her that was going to end up dead tonight.
eventually you’d caught up to her in the woods, finding her at a nearby tree, as if she were waiting for you to come searching for her.
“i have to kill you..” you cut straight to the point, grabbing the swiss knife that was at the bottom of your ankle boot, pointing it towards her.
“not if i spill your pretty little guts all over this ground first,” jimin laughs, barely moving an inch. still seeing this as all one big game to her, enjoying the thrill of it all.
“why’re you try to be the hero all of a sudden ? still feeling guilty you couldn’t save all those people who burned to death ? they were all a bunch of worthless scum anyway, if anything, i did them all a favor.” her head tilts as she asks so many questions, attempting to throw you off, knowing that it’d only agitate you further.
you backed away as she kept coming towards you, still pointing the sharp edge at her, “you’re wrong, jimin. they all deserved to live yet you took it all away like the sick, inhumane fuck you are.”
“is that really what you think of me ? then why’d you let me take your precious virginity, hm ? can’t you see ? i’m the only person who actually ever gave a shit about you.” the smile on her face was so uncanny, as if it came straight out of a cartoon. she was nothing but pure evil, and she knew it.
you couldn’t bear to listen to her speak anymore, it was giving you a headache, you had to end this quickly. you remember while doing your paranormal digging, that a blade to the heart can kill any demon, now it’s all up to you to finish the job.
“i don’t care how long it takes, you’re going to die by the end of this night.” you stated matter-of-factly, you weren’t going down without a fight, and jimin happily accepted your challenge with open arms.
she bursts out into more laughter, but it was anything but normal, it sounded maniacal, as if she were taunting you. “i’d love to see you try, sweetheart.”
she lunged forward to snatch the knife out of your hand, wrestling on the ground with her to try and get it back. you couldn’t let her win, not after all you’ve went through. all you had to do was plunge the weapon into her chest and you’d end this reign of terror once and for all. but once you obtained the knife, positioning it towards her chest, you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.
“if you’re going to do it then just get it over with. just do it already.” she bitterly spoke, repeating her words over and over, egging you on in your already frenzied state. even if you wanted to, you couldn’t, it was like the minute you had your chance, every particle inside of you froze…
“shut up, shut up, shut up !” you couldn’t even think straight, just shaking your head nonstop while screaming at her to stop talking.
jimin could’ve easily overpowered you by now, but it was almost as if she wanted you to do it, willingly ready to die by the hands of you.
“and to think i used to truly believe you were my other half…” you looked at her in disgust, unable to see her as the same girl who you once knew for practically your whole life. you felt as though you wasted so many of your precious years befriending someone you don’t even know anymore.
“silly girl... don’t you remember ? i bit you, so you'll eventually obtain my supernatural powers.” she reminds you of what happened not even an hour before, “our souls are connected now.”
you shook your head in protest, refusing to even entertain that idea, “no… i could never be like you, i’d rather die than be like you..”
jimin didn’t seem to be bothered at all by your opposing comments or your lack of compliance. if anything, it only made her want you even more. sure, you may not be cooperating now, but she’ll soon condition you into believing that the only thing you’ll ever need is her.
she cracks a faint smile, “i’m afraid it’s already too late for that, my darling,” she spoke to you softly. not even realizing she’s took the knife from your hands, bringing it down to your thighs, letting the blade run across your delicate skin.
“jimin…” you say her name quietly, barely above a whisper. something inside you shifts the minute your gaze meets hers, a warm, fuzzy feeling tickling a certain spot within your brain chemistry. you don’t know how to describe it, but your body feels different, so inexplicably different. as if it doesn’t even belong to you anymore.
“you know i’ve always loved you y/n,” jimin sweetly coos into your ear, “i just have an awfully morbid way of showing it.”
her words flustered you to no end, feeling guilty for wanting to just give in, all the fight soon evaporating from your body. although you still had so much love for anton, your undying love for jimin over the years trumped all of those emotions. the primal desire for her only grew once she’d connect her lips with yours. kissing you tenderly under the glowing moonlight. just you and her. along with the faint coppery taste of blood on each other’s lips.
you know why you couldn’t kill her. because if you did, you know there’d be no one else in this world who could ever understand you in the same way she does. the two of you shared an eternal bond that could never be erased nor replicated. if you were the kerosene, then she was the match, slow dancing in each other’s flames gracefully.
a made match in heaven ? no, more like a match made in hell.
#aespa smut#karina smut#aespa x reader#kpop smut#wlw smut#yu jimin smut#yu jimin x reader#aespa karina#aespa x fem reader#aespa#karina x fem reader#aespa imagines#aespa fanfic#karina x reader#kpop x reader
572 notes
·
View notes
Text
Cherry Red, Crimson Blood
Chapter 17: Alone
Summary: Your pack has left on their first deployment since you joined them, leaving you alone on base.
Pairing: Poly 141 x reader
Word Count: 6,866
Warnings: Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics, Alternate Universe, a/b/o typical classism and sexism, ANGST, anxiety, fear, nightmares, PTSD, trauma, just super depressing overall.
A/N: I'm so ready for these next two chapters, you have no idea. Things are happening, things are gonna happen, it's just...so good. You'll see 🤭. They're pretty heavy chapters emotionally, but don't worry fluff will be coming very soon. I won't leave you hanging too much for too long.
MASTERLIST | <- Previous | Next ->
“We'll only be gone for a few days. A week at most. Dr. Keller will take you to and from meals and anywhere else you may need to go. If you need anything, contact Kate. We'll call when we can.”
He leaves you with a kiss to your forehead. You’re forced to stand there and watch his back as he boards the plane, the ramp closing and sealing you off from them. They all looked guilty, as if it was their fault they had to leave, as if they were suffering as much as you at the idea of parting, even just for a short period of time.
You don't sleep that night. You lay in your bed and stare at the ceiling until far too late when you decide to abandon it for John's room instead. You slip under the covers, disrupting the immaculately made bed as you surround yourself with his scent. You’re on edge, the barracks far too quiet, far too empty. Every little sound has you tensing, holding your breath. The door is locked, yet it’s not the same without your pack there to protect you. If you scream, no one will hear you now.
You manage to fall asleep at some point in the early hours, your mind plagued with horrible nightmares of monsters devouring and tearing you apart.
You wake with the sun, dragging your feet back to your room. You miss the quiet sounds of your boys getting ready in the morning after their workouts, taking extra care not to be too loud. Now you wish for it. You want them to be loud and wake you, because then they’d be here with you. The hallway feels too empty, the barracks too large. You’ve spent plenty of time alone in the barracks, but it’s never felt like this. They’re not just across base from you, they’re probably in an entirely different country.
You stare at their closed doors, all four of them feeling like voids knowing the rooms behind them are empty. Even Ghost’s closed door feels particularly empty.
You shuffle into your room, locking the door behind you as you get ready for the day. You’re not quite sure what you’re going to do, now that you don’t have them around. You suppose you could just go about your day as you usually do while they’re at training, except you won’t have their inevitable return to fetch you for meals to look forward to.
It’ll be days before you see them again.
If you see them again.
You force that thought back into the recesses of your mind. You won’t entertain it, not now while you’re still trying to process the fact that they’re gone. Even if it is a possibility.
You’re sitting on your bed when the knock comes, clutching your phone in your hand. You don’t want to be without it, in case they call. You don’t want to miss a chance to talk to them, especially if it’s your only chance. Or a call from Kate telling you something happened.
You open the door, Dr. Keller standing in the hallway with a small smile on her face. It doesn’t feel strange having her in this space, even with the rest of your pack gone. She’s been here before, and you trust her.
“How are you doing?” She asks as you step out of your room, closing the door behind you.
“I don’t know.” You say, letting out a sigh. “I couldn’t sleep last night.”
“I don’t blame you. Feels strange, being alone here, huh?”
You nod. “Yeah. It’s too quiet. Too empty.”
“I bet.” You follow her out of the barracks and into the cool morning air. “Let’s get some food in you and then you can take it easy for the rest of the day. I know this is a big adjustment, and it happened rather suddenly.”
“Was gonna happen eventually, though.” You say. “For the three months I was with the CIA, they drilled it into my head that their job would always take priority over everything else. Still sucks.”
“It does. Separation is hard for everyone in a pack, even if it’s short term. Add on the stress of their jobs and I can only imagine what it’s like.”
“I’m trying not to think about that.” You say.
“I think that’s the best thing you can do right now.” She squeezes your arm. “Come on, we’ll get the food to go and we’ll eat in my office. I usually do that anyway. It’s much quieter than the mess.”
You get your breakfast, following Dr. Keller to the medical center. You are silently glad you won’t have to eat in the mess without the protection of your pack. The stares from the others might have been your tipping point, and without Ghost to scare them off, you’re sure it would have only been worse.
“Make yourself at home.” Dr. Keller says, letting you into her office. “You can sit at the desk to eat, if that’s more comfortable. I don’t mind.”
You take her up on the offer, sitting in the chair across from hers at the desk. She moves some papers out of the way before taking a seat herself. It feels almost strange, being so informal in her office, but then again, she’s always been more laid back with the formality between the two of you.
“If there’s one thing I miss, it’s good diner food.” Dr. Keller says as the two of you begin to eat.
You stare down at your porridge for a moment, having gotten used to the change in food over the last almost nine weeks. “I miss a lot of things.”
“Would you ever want to go back and visit America?” Dr. Keller asks.
You shrug. “I don’t know.”
“I’m sure they’d take you, if you asked.” She smiles as you stare up at her in surprise. “I don’t think there’s much they wouldn’t do, if you asked. They care about you a lot.”
“I’m starting to realize that.” You say.
“Good. It’s reassuring to see such strong, natural bonds forming between all of you, despite how the situation came about. You’ve made a lot of good progress already, even with the few bumps in the road.”
It falls silent between the two of you as you eat, finishing your breakfast. Your stomach churns with anxiety, hand closing around the phone in your pocket as if it might ring at any moment. It makes you sick, the thought of what they might be doing, what might be happening right at this very moment.
“Can I ask you something?” You break the silence, needing to take your mind off your swirling thoughts.
“Of course.” She says, looking up from the papers she’d been looking through.
“Since I’m your only patient, what do you do all day?” You ask.
She smiles. “I do a lot of things. After our sessions I log the notes I take and read over them, I make sure your medical chart is up to date, I read through a lot of studies and journals on new research and methods that may be helpful, I talk to colleagues all over the world, including here on base, and I sometimes go around the medical center and sit in on meetings and classes to keep my skills sharp.”
“Do you ever feel like you’re wasting your skills here?”
She shakes her head. “No. Before I took this job, I was caring for sometimes over one hundred omegas at various institutes. It was a high stress environment with long hours. While it was fulfilling work, there’s a high turnover rate for Omega Specialists in that field for a reason. Being a private doctor is a bit of a relief after that, and truthfully, the pay is considerably better.” She folds her arms on her desk, leaning forward. “It’s no less fulfilling than working at institutes. It’s nice to have the time to put together the best care plan for you and your needs.”
“It is nice having an Omega Specialist to myself.” You say. “There were several at the institute, a lot of students doing their residency. They weren’t always...good at their jobs. A lot of them were just going through the motions, doing what the more experienced specialists told them to do.”
“Unfortunately that’s rather common with residents.” She says. “Most of them don’t make it past residency. Like a lot of specialities in medicine, it takes a certain kind of personality to succeed as an Omega Specialist. Not everyone has it in them. I wish more schools and programs would take notice earlier before they get to their residencies and steer them down a different path.” She smiles at you. “Now my question for you. Would you rather hang out in here today, or would you prefer to go back to the barracks? You won’t hurt my feelings either way, nor will you be a bother.”
You think about it for a moment. While your knee jerk answer is to go back to the barracks, what are you going to do? Sit alone in the silence and worry until it makes you sick? Sit in the rec room and watch TV alone and worry about your boys until the next meal time? As much as you want to be alone, you also don’t want to be alone.
“I’d...like to stay here, if that’s okay?” You finally say, making your decision.
“More than okay.” She smiles. “Make yourself at home, do whatever you’d like. Watch YouTube videos, dig into some books, take a nap. You won’t bother me in the slightest. You’re always welcome to hang out in here.”
You look over the titles on the bookshelf, picking one that looks interesting before settling on the couch. You spend the day with Dr. Keller, relaxing in her office and going to meals with her. It doesn’t calm the anxious thoughts by much, but at least the loneliness is abated a bit.
You return to the barracks after dinner, debating whether you should sit in the rec room or just go to your room. The rec room feels too open, too exposed without the safety of your pack, so instead you choose to retreat into your room, locking the door behind you.
You let out a sigh, your shoulders slumping as tears gather in your eyes. Another night without them, another night without the safety and comfort of their presence around you. Another night knowing they’re not on the other side of the wall, a knock or a yell away.
You fight the panic starting to bubble as you get ready for bed, your mind swirling with thoughts of something happening, someone breaking in, someone taking advantage of their absence to get to you. You know it’s an irrational fear. Most of the alphas on base ignore your existence, aside from the couple incidents you’ve had with them. The most they do is stare, though that’s to be expected as an omega.
What if they’re holding back something more sinister, though? What if the only thing stopping them is your pack? This would be their opportune moment.
You’re shaking, eyes wide in fear as you stare at yourself in the mirror. Sure, you’ve learned a few ways to defend yourself, but could you really utilize them? If the moment called for it, could you defend yourself enough to get away? Where would you go? Dr. Keller won’t be in her office all night. Could you run and seek protection from another medical professional that was still working? Could you find a different high ranking official on base and hope they’d help you? Could you go for the guards at the gate and hope they help you?
Or would it be safer to run for the woods? Try to lose whichever alpha decided to attack you and hope you don’t get lost in the trees? You would just have to survive the night, and Dr. Keller would notice you missing come morning. What would she do, though? Call Kate? It’s not like the guys could just come home and help you. Would Kate even tell them something happened and put them at risk of getting distracted? What if something happened to them because of you?
You turn the shower on as cold as it will go, stepping under the spray in your pajamas. You sink to the floor of the shower, letting the cold water snap you out of your panic and prevent you from distressing. No one’s coming through the door, no one’s going to try and hurt you.
Your teeth are chattering by the time you reach up to turn the water off. Violent shivers rock your body, your hands and feet numb. You take deep breaths, feeling more awake and aware than you have since yesterday.
The panic has dropped to almost nothing, your shaking now due to the fact you’re freezing. You strip out of your wet clothes, leaving them in the tub as you wrap a towel around yourself. You’re still shivering violently as you change into warmer pajamas, opting for one of John’s shirts and sweatpants.
You slip under the covers of your bed, piling every blanket you own on top of the covers before tucking yourself against your giant bear. You won’t sleep, but at least you’re not panicking anymore.
The days begin to blend together without the routine of your pack to keep you steady. Dr. Keller comes to get you at the same time as you expect for your breakfast, and then you spend all day with her, sitting in her office, keeping yourself occupied while you wait for an inevitable phone call. It will either be your pack calling to check on you, or it will be Kate with bad news.
You’re not sure which is worse. The anticipation of a call from your pack letting you know they’re all alright, or the dread that it will be Kate telling you something happened to them.
You’re still not sleeping well, the anxiety and the worry you might miss their call meshing with the nightmares that were already plaguing you before they left. You’re exhausted and strung out, the worry beginning to eat you alive. You’re constantly on edge, every little sound close to sending you spiraling.
Your thoughts have slowly shifted from missing your pack to ruminating about the fact they might not be coming back. It’s a risk you’re well aware of. The kinds of things they do put them at risk, every deployment carries the risk of one, or all of them, dying. One thing goes wrong, one small freak accident and your entire pack could be taken from you.
You’re not sure you’d survive that.
Most omegas don’t.
“Still nothing?” Dr. Keller asks as you sit there, staring at your phone for what must have been an hour at least.
You shake your head. “Nothing.”
“Sometimes no news is good news.” She says. “I know you’d prefer to have any news at all, though.”
“I can’t stop thinking...what if something bad has happened?” You say, fingers trembling from gripping your phone so hard.
“Kate promised she’d call if something happened, right?”
You nod. “Yeah.”
“She’s a woman of her word, I can say that much. I’m sure they’re fine. They’re very capable soldiers. They wouldn’t be in Spec Ops if they weren’t, much less on a highly specialized team.” Dr. Keller stands up, moving to the closet. “It’s still hard, not knowing where they are or what they’re doing. I remember when my brother told our parents he was enlisting. Our mother cried for a week straight.” She pulls a pillow and a blanket out of the closet. “I still don’t think she’s completely forgiven him. It’s hard for omegas when someone leaves the pack, even temporarily, especially if you can’t have constant reassurance that they’re alright.”
Your brows pinch in a frown at her words as she kneels on the floor beside the couch. “Your mom was an omega?”
She nods. “And dad was a beta. Wound up with two beta children, though I don’t think mom complained much about that. We grew up in a big pack with lots of people around us. I think mom would have been worse off if it had just been her and dad.” She sets the pillow on the couch, gently prying the phone from your fingers. “Come on, lay down.” She directs you.
You do as she says, laying down on the couch, resting your head on the pillow. She covers you with the blanket, tucking it up around your neck. “Is that why you’re so good at this job?”
She smiles, setting your phone on the arm of the couch above your head. “Maybe. I think it gave me more empathy for omegas and the struggles you face every day.” She gently squeezes your arm. “They’ll be alright. They’re probably just as worried about you, as you are them. But, you need to get some rest. You don’t have to sleep, just laying with your eyes closed will help.”
You tilt your head, glancing up at your phone. “What if I fall asleep and it rings?”
“Then I’ll make sure you get a chance to answer it.” She says, squeezing your arm again. “I promise. Get some rest.”
You let out a breath, not wanting to risk falling asleep, but you close your eyes anyway. It doesn’t stop the thoughts from coming on, the nightmarish images the anxiety feeds your brain flashing before your eyes. What if they’re lying dead somewhere right now? What if something’s happened to Kate and she can’t tell you? Would you ever find out? Would you ever know?
Despite the anxiety prickling through your body, the warmth of the blanket begins to lull you into a false sense of security. Perhaps it’s the sheer exhaustion from your lack of sleep over the last couple weeks, paired with the exhaustion from your constant worrying, but you find yourself slipping between sleep and consciousness as you lay there on Dr. Keller’s couch. You don’t mean to, but you can’t help it as you begin to drift off to sleep.
Screaming. It’s loud, piercing your ears. Something’s holding you, hands clutching at your form desperately. It hurts, nails biting into your skin, fingers gripping too hard, yet you don’t care.
“You won’t take her from me! I won’t let you!”
You’re crying, sobs wracking your body as you cling just as tightly to the form holding you.
Hands grab at you, squeezing and pulling, trying to free you from the constricting grip around you, but it won’t let go. You cling to it just as desperately, afraid of what will happen if you let go.
You know what will happen if you let go.
“She’s no daughter of mine.”
The words bite into you, slicing through your skin straight into your very soul, the prickling pain of your own flesh and blood rejecting you making your skin crawl. How could he just let you go like that? How could he turn against you so easily, over something you have no control over?
Pain erupts across your entire body. Something snaps, your ears ringing from more screams. You’re being pulled away from the safety of the hold around you, your body going cold as the warmth around you disappears. Hands close around you, fingers ripping into you as you're torn from your mother’s hold and into the unknown.
“Easy, easy.”
You’re gasping, breathing wheezing as tears choke you.
“Deep breaths. In and out, nice and slow.”
Your breath hitches, catching painfully in your chest.
“You’re alright, you’re safe.”
You force your eyes open, blinded by tears as something is tucked into your arms. You squeeze the bear against your chest, hiccuping as you fight for control over your emotions. You’re on the couch in Dr. Keller’s office still. You’re not at what was once your home, not stuck in the nightmare you’ve lived over and over.
Slowly breathing becomes easier, your sobs quieting to sniffles. The tears still spill down your cheeks, dampening the fur of the bear in your arms.
“You’re alright,” Dr. Keller says, rubbing your back gently.
You slowly push yourself up to sit, pulling your knees against your chest. You press your palms into your eyes, trying to get the tears to stop. Dr. Keller shifts her position, sitting next to you on the couch.
“How long have you been having nightmares?” She asks quietly, watching you as you try to calm yourself.
“Since my heat.” You say, voice rough from crying. You wrap your arms around the bear again, holding onto it tightly.
“You haven’t said anything about it.” She says gently, shifting slightly so she’s facing you.
“I didn’t want to.” You say quietly, shame burning through you. She’s not reprimanding you, yet you can’t help but feel like you’ve done something wrong. “I shouldn’t be having them, I mean...it’s not even that bad compared to...compared to what the others have gone through. The kinds of nightmares they have.”
“It might seem that way to you, but trauma is still trauma. It might not be the worst thing someone else has gone through, but it is the worst thing you’ve been through.”
Her words give you pause. You’ve never quite thought of it that way. The kinds of things your pack does, the things they’ve seen, the things they’ve done, are far worse than anything you’ve experienced. The things you’ve experienced may pale in comparison, but they’re your experiences. No one else’s.
“If you want to talk about them, that’s what I’m here for.” Dr. Keller says, leaving things open for you to decide what to do.
You don’t have to tell her. She won’t force you to do it. She won’t force you to do anything, to say anything you don’t want to. It might be nice, though, to let someone know, someone neutral, someone who won’t tell anyone else. It might be nice to finally put into words the things that are eating you, have been eating you.
You lay back down, curling up into a tight ball on the couch. You hug the bear close to your chest, letting it ground you. “My nightmares, they’re always about the day I left for the institute.” You start, taking a shaky breath. “I haven’t had them in years.”
“You were sent early after your presentation, right?” She asks.
“The day after.” You answer.
“Being sent to an institute can be traumatic when done within the normal time after presentation. I can’t even imagine what being sent that soon was like.” She lets out a breath. “Sometimes when we go through something traumatic, the brain and body hold onto it, because we don’t feel safe enough to process it in the moment. The brain can hold onto it for years, until we finally feel safe enough. Then the brain can start to try and heal from that trauma without us even realizing it.”
“You think that’s what’s happening?” You ask.
“It’s possible. Going through your heat successfully, being claimed, building close bonds with your pack, all could aid in helping you finally feel safe enough to process that trauma. Things usually feel worse as the brain works through the trauma, which could be why you’re having nightmares about that event suddenly.”
“Is there anything that will make them stop?” You ask.
“There’s some things we can do together that might help the process. I’m more than happy to help you with it, if that’s what you’d like to do. If you decide to, I think it will be a good idea to set up appointments at least twice a week, at least at first.”
“What are we gonna tell John?”
She gives you a look. “Well, I’d advise telling him the truth. I think you should tell your pack about your nightmares. They can at least offer you some comfort and understanding. Of course, that’s entirely up to you and what you want to do.”
You let out a sigh, getting comfortable on the couch again. Dr. Keller adjusts the blanket over you, squeezing your arm gently.
“Think about it.” She says. “We can talk about it more after they get back and things have settled back to normal again.”
You’re brushing your teeth when the call comes. You quickly spit into the sink, not even bothering to rinse your mouth before you’re answering, anxiety twisting your stomach into knots. You hadn’t even checked the screen to see who was calling. You’re just anxious to hear from someone after days of silence.
“Hello?”
There’s a beat of silence before the voice on the other side responds, the audio distant and slightly garbled, but you hardly notice.
“Hi, sweetheart.”
You fight back a sob, your inhale shaky as relief floods through you. “Alpha.” The title slips through your lips before you can even catch it, your body nearly vibrating at hearing John’s voice after so many days.
“I’m here. We’re all here.” He says, distant voices sounding in the background.
A smile tugs at your lips, happy tears blurring your eyes as you collapse on your bed. “Missed you.”
“I know, we’ve missed you too.”
You move to your bed, flopping down on the mattress in relief. “You alright? Is everyone alright?”
“We’re alright. Few bumps and bruises, but nothing we haven’t had before. How are you holding up?”
The urge to spill the truth to him is strong. You’ve been depressed and worried and there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by that you haven’t panicked about something. You’ve been having horrible nightmares and haven’t been sleeping. There’s an ache in your chest that won’t go away, and you’re afraid it might kill you if you don’t see them soon.
“I’m alright. Sad cause I miss you a lot.”
“I know, sweetheart.” There’s a sound on the other end, something you can’t make out and the line buzzes for a second. For a moment you’re worried you were disconnected, but John’s voice cuts through the noise again. “We’re finishing up here soon, and we’ll be home in a couple of days.”
You can’t help but sigh in relief at his words. They’re alright. They’re all safe, and they’re going to be home soon. You’re going to get to see them soon, touch them again, smell them again. “Hurry back.” You say, your voice shaky with emotion.
“We’ll try, sweet girl. We have to get going, but we’ll be back before you know it.”
Saying goodbye doesn't hurt as much as you expect it to. Maybe it’s the relief from hearing their voices, from knowing they’re really alright paired with the knowledge that they’ll be home soon. Two days doesn’t seem so far now that you know that’s all that stands between you and seeing your pack again.
You roll over in your bed, pressing your face into the pillows. Nothing smells like them anymore. Not their shirts that they scented before they left, not your pillows or stuffed animals. The couch in the rec room, and even John’s bed have started to smell more like you.
The first thing you’re going to do when they return is get a big whiff of each of them, even if you have to tackle Ghost to do it. You want to refresh their scents all over everything, roll around in them until they’re the only thing you can smell.
For the first time in days, you manage to sleep that night. It’s not much, but it’s a deep, nightmare-free sleep, aided by the relief from the constant anxiety that has plagued you.
You update Dr. Keller the next day on the news of your pack’s imminent return. You elect to spend the afternoon in the barracks instead of her office, the building suddenly not seeming quite so empty now that you know they’re coming home soon. You clean up John’s room, making his bed again after you’d made a mess of it trying to sleep. They’re all going to be tired when they return, and you want to help them in any way that you can. You pick up your room as well, even though you know you likely won’t be spending much time in it for a while. You’re going to latch yourself onto them and not let go until the ache in your chest has disappeared.
You bristle when the knock sounds at your door. You glance up from where you had been sorting the clothes you’d stolen from the guys from your own so you can get them to scent them again. You’re not expecting a knock yet. It’s too early to be Dr. Keller coming to get you for dinner, and she would have announced herself like she has been, if it was her.
That means someone else is in the barracks. Someone you don’t know.
Your mind races as you try to think of who it could be. You don’t know many others on base, and certainly no one that would enter the barracks just like that, unless it’s an emergency. Is there an emergency? You’re almost certain if there was an emergency on base, then there would be alarms going off or something. There’d be some sign that something was happening, but it’s quiet outside, or at least, there’s no noises you’re not expecting.
The knock comes again, louder and sharper. Whoever is on the other side is obviously not going to just go away. You debate calling Dr. Keller, telling her someone is outside your door, getting her to help you on this, but instead you grab your phone, holding it in your hand as you move towards the door.
You unlock it, holding your hand on the handle in case the person on the other side tries to force their way in. They don’t, so you open it slowly, just enough that you can see out. There’s a soldier outside your door. A woman. You don’t recognize her, but then again you don’t see many women on the base, and you don’t pay much attention to the other soldiers.
Maybe you need to start paying more attention.
She’s a beta, you can tell just by looking at her. She’s wearing scent blockers, keeping her scent from projecting into the barracks to erase the fact she was here.
She says your name, staring at you with hard set eyes. “General Shepherd is waiting for you.”
It takes you a moment to process what it is she’s saying. You’ve never met any of the higher ups on base. The person with the most authority you’ve met is John, but you know he’s only a Captain. There’s others above him, but you weren’t any concern of theirs, so you have never bothered to meet them. Even in your time with the CIA, the person with the most authority that you met seemed to be Kate. You hadn’t even been given names of anyone higher up than her.
Apparently something’s changed.
Something in the back of your mind begins to tingle. Something isn’t right about this. You should have called Dr. Keller, or even Kate. You shouldn’t have opened the door so recklessly.
“But, I’m not supposed to-” You begin, unsure of what to do now.
“It’s a direct order from your superior.” The woman cuts you off, her tone sharp and impatient.
You’re not a soldier. The only superior you have is John and he’s certainly not behind this.
You wouldn’t dare say that out loud. Not right now.
“Okay, okay.” You say, stepping back slightly from the door. “Let me just get some shoes on.”
You close the door, staring down at your phone. You debate calling Dr. Keller or even just sending a text, but you don’t put it past the woman outside to barge in if you don’t hurry. You can feel the panic rising, the thought of someone invading your space so carelessly making the back of your neck tingle. So instead you slip on a pair of shoes, shoes you know you can run in, before you open the door again.
She’s still standing in the hallway, stiffly at attention. Her gaze pierces into you, making your skin crawl. You close your door behind you, slipping your phone into your pocket. She doesn't say anything as she turns on her heel, walking down the hallway towards the door. You follow behind her, having to walk quickly to keep up with her. You’re reminded of your early days on the base when you would be escorted around by Ghost.
You’d take those times back over this right now.
Your palms start to sweat as you leave the barracks, dread starting to fill your stomach as you realize how much of a mistake you’ve made, leaving with this stranger. She could be taking you anywhere to see anyone. You’re not even sure General Shepherd is a real person.
The thought of being led blindly into a room of alphas like a lamb being led into a den of hungry wolves nearly makes you panic, your steps faltering just slightly as you debate running. You could make it to the medical center quickly from here if you sprint the entire way. Would she chase you if you took off running? Would you get in trouble? Would the guys get in trouble if you did?
You don’t want anyone to get in trouble.
Especially not with this being the first time you’ve been on your own. They’ve put a lot of trust in both you and Dr. Keller in their absence. If you get into trouble while they’re gone, that might change things. You could ruin everything you’ve built by misbehaving.
The woman leads you to a building you haven’t been in before, leading you down a clinical-looking hallway to a door. She pauses in front of it, turning to face you. You stare at her, still on edge. What if this is a test? What if they’re testing you to see if you’d just blindly leave with a stranger while they’re not there to protect you.
You’ve made a big mistake.
The woman holds out her hand, and you stare down at it dumbly. “Your phone.”
You continue to stare at her hand for a moment, trying to swallow the nervous panic rising within you. You don’t have much of a choice now but to obey. Your hands are shaking as you pass your phone over, the woman pocketing it before she opens the door.
It’s bright inside, the LED bulbs burning your eyes. You’re uncomfortable and uneasy, a dangerous mix for an omega, but the person inside doesn’t seem to care. He stands from his seat, towering over you. He screams alpha before his scent even hits you. You’re thrown back into the memories of your father, the way he carried himself, the way he stood. Back straight like a rod, hands clasped behind his back, face pressed into a stern line.
He’s in uniform, decorated with more patches and pins than you could put a name to. Army, you think, judging by the color of his jacket. It looks like General Shepherd is a real person after all.
You try not to flinch as the door clicks closed behind you, sealing you in this room with an unknown alpha. Though it’s only one, you still feel like the helpless lamb standing before a hungry wolf.
No one will hear you scream. No one will care.
“My name is General Shepherd.” He says, his voice gruff and laced with authority. “I am the acting commander of Task Force 141.”
You’re not sure if you should say anything, or even bother introducing yourself. He probably already knows you well, even though you’ve never met him before in your life.
“I was one of the driving forces behind the omega initiative, and I decided the 141 should be one of the first to participate. I also signed the approval for you to be assigned as their omega, did you know that?”
You shake your head. “N-No sir, the CIA didn’t give me any names.”
“Good.” His lips twitch in what you assume was supposed to be a smile. It doesn’t ease your nerves any. “They weren’t supposed to. I’m sure you’ve learned that confidentiality is everything in this line of work.”
“Yes, sir.” You try not to flinch under his gaze, piercing and probing. The back of your neck is tingling, every single instinct in your body screaming at you to run, to escape, to get somewhere safe.
“I came here today to ensure your pack was doing as they were instructed. I’m impressed with what I’ve seen so far. You’re getting along well with them?”
You nod again. “Yes, sir. There were some...bumps along the way, but we all get along fine now.”
“Good.” He closes the file on the table, taking a step closer to you. You fight the urge to take a step back, not wanting him to invade your space while you’re so vulnerable. “The success of this program is imperative to the future of the military and its functionality. You’re doing important work here with the Task Force.” His hand lifts, slowly pulling the collar of your shirt to the side so he can see your mating mark.
You fight the urge to lift your hands and wrap them around the back of your neck, the instinctual urge to protect yourself nearly winning out as he stares at your mark. Your heart is pounding in your chest, the fear-driven adrenaline making your fingers tremble. Half a second and he could scruff you, half a second and he could overpower you.
No one would know. No one would care.
“I’m satisfied with what I’m seeing so far. Of course, the true measure of success will be their efficiency in their current task.” He steps back away from you, moving back to the table. “How have you been adjusting to them being gone?”
“It’s been difficult,” You say, breathing for a second to collect yourself. “But I know separation can be a rough adjustment at first.”
His lips twitch again in a twisted smile. “You’re a smart girl. That’s why I chose you for this position. You’re doing good work. Your efforts will change the course of military history, hopefully for the better.”
Something about his words don’t sit right with you.
You’re trembling as you exit the room, led out by the woman that had brought you to the building. Your breaths are heavy as you try to keep a grip on the anxiety threatening to overtake you. Your hand is trembling uncontrollably as she give you your phone back, your knuckles going white as you clutch it to your chest. You’re sweating, the cool air chilling your skin as you step outside.
You barely remember the walk back to the barracks, numbly following the woman as she leads you back to your safe space. It doesn't feel so safe anymore, now that she’s breached it. She entered without permission, breaking that trust that’s so sacred to packs.
She doesn't even seem bothered by it.
She pauses outside the door to the barracks, staring down at you. You fight the urge to race inside and lock yourself in the safety of your room before she can change her mind and enter again, or take you somewhere worse. You stand your ground, meeting her gaze.
“Thank you for your cooperation.” She says, as monotone as she had been the first time she spoke to you.
You finally realize what it was that made her seem so off to you as you think over her words.
She’s American.
“Thank you for escorting me.” You say politely, swallowing the lump in your throat. “Have a safe trip home.”
You quickly enter the barracks, speed walking down the hall towards your room. You want to burrow under your covers and hide until the guys return and you can feel safe again. You pause in front of your door, staring down at the handle. The back of your neck is prickling again, anxiety burning hot in your veins. Your hands have begun shaking again, clinging to the phone still pressed against your chest. You fight the urge to hyperventilate as you stare at your door, half of your brain telling you to run and the other half stuck, staring in shock and disbelief.
Your door is ajar. Open just a crack, just enough to be noticeable by looking at it.
You always close your door. You always ensure it’s shut every time you leave the barracks, even when the guys are home. You remember shutting it before you followed the woman out of the barracks. You remember distinctly listening to the click of the handle as you pulled it shut behind you in the quiet of the barracks.
You stare at the gap, the line of the frame visible. It’s open. Your door is open.
Someone was inside your room.
NEXT ->
Taglist:
@bobaprint @ashy-kit @anunintentionalwriter @mockerycrow @hayleybarnesx
@protokosmonaut @fruitymoonbeams-blog @blue-blue0 @hindi-si-ikay @thatonepupkai
@redwites @kattiieee @141trash @lothiriel9 @dillybuggg
@beebeechaos @konigsmissedbeltloop @kaoyamamegami @idkkkkkkk8363 @wallwriterstuff
@smile-child-13 @anomiatartle @dangerkittenclaws @bless-my-demons @mystic60
@evolutionarry @red-hydra @lunaetiicsaystuff @linaangel @codsunshine
@thriving-n-jiving @slayerx147 @ferns-fics @spicyspicyliving @cityoffallencrows
@ttsbaby01 @heeheehoohoohahahihi @sleepyoriana @ihatethinkingofnames10 @cassiecasluciluce
@darling006 @sheep-from-rad @ohgodthebogisback @willow-sages @scythemood
@daniblogs164 @mirzamsaiph
#call of duty#call of duty fic#alpha/beta/omega dynamics#a/b/o#omegaverse#x reader#john price x reader#captain price x reader#kyle gaz garrick x reader#gaz x reader#john soap mactavish x reader#john mactavish x reader#soap x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley x reader#tf 141 x reader#poly 141#task force 141 x reader
2K notes
·
View notes
Note
can u make some like generic dating ellie headcannons? (tlou universe preferably)
i love ur writing sm!!
dating ellie williams ◡̈
cw: usual fluff, mentioned love languages, mention of joel’s death (i wanted to be as canon as possible), a little nsfw but nothing too crazy.
note: here are some semi-ooc ellie hc’s!! i feel like im so bad at headcanons, but here you go. thank you for enjoying my work, i hope you like this too pookie!
ellie! is a total introvert to her core, so no matter how she found out about you taking interest in her… she’d probably need some time to think about it.
ellie! would have you freaking tf out over it too. but she means well, she’s just a really bad over-thinker—never wanting to say the wrong thing. but she’d come around and never stop apologizing to you.
ellie! would take a little while to open up to you, if you weren’t friends first. she’s been through a lot in her life, and she fears that her trauma could scare people away.
now, if you were already friends (specifically close friends), you probably would’ve already known her deepest darkest secrets and feelings by the time you started dating. every traumatic event and every fixation she’s had since she was a child.
ellie! thoroughly believes in physical touch and quality time as a love language.
for physical touch: it doesn’t always have to be sexual (she doesn’t complain either way), she just likes to touch you—knowing you’re right there next to her. you could be doing the dishes and she’d come up behind you, leaning her head on your shoulder, with her hands delicately placed on your hips. or standing by the bar at the tipsy bison, with her fingers dipped into any of the pockets of your jeans. keeping you close.
for quality time: she does love her moments alone, but they’re always better with you somewhere near by. sometimes, when she would spend hours painting or drawing in her art room, she’d ask if you could come sit in. so you’d bring your book, or whatever you were doing, and read silently in the same room as her. while a smooth record played in the background. but sometimes, she doesn’t even ask. you could be doing the most boring thing ever, and she’d float around you like a curious bumblebee.
ellie! love, love, loves being babied—even though she’d never admit it. she has a reputation to uphold, of course. during the spring, due to the patrols and supply runs, her allergies would wreck havoc on her. that’s where you come in to nurture her back to health. she’d have tissue stuck up her nose, with her head lying in your lap on the couch. you rubbing your hand over her hair, soothingly.
“if you kiss me right now, i think my sinuses will re-open.”
“ellie, you just sneezed two minutes ago.”
“baby, pleaseeeee! i need it!” and she’d give the craziest puppy dog eyes known to man. and, of course, you’d give in. giving her the sweetest smooch ever. it didn’t open her sinuses, but she knew that. just know… she’s gonna convince you to give her another to be sure.
another scenario would be coming home after a long day at work (idk i feel like doing patrols would be like her main thing). she probably had a rough day with the lingering infected, and came back with a few injuries. the moment she stepped through the door, she’d be calling for you. wrapped in your arms, smelling like the outdoors, you’d slowly undress her and then run a bath. she loved when you’d cater to her in that way—cleaning her cuts, washing her skin from dried blood and dirt. after all that, you’d cuddle in bed, pillow-talking until her eyes shut before yours.
“goodnight, els.” smooch.
ellie! was a little iffy when it came to holidays, but when it came to your birthday it was a special affair. jackson was a healthy and happy little bubble, but because the idea of loss wasn’t foreign to her—celebrating her loved ones was very important to her.
if you didn’t like grand gestures, she’d keep it lowkey. maybe throwing a little surprise for the two of you at home; cooking you dinner, having a movie night, and giving you little trinkets she found on the road. or painting something for you in secret, then giving it to you as a gift.
speaking of cooking…
ellie! has thing for making good food. a part of me feels like joel put her on when she was young, and after he died (yeah, i’m sorry) she made an effort to keep it up. playing guitar was much harder for her since she only had two fingers and a thumb on her left hand—so she decided to pick up something else to stay close to him.
so every chance she can get, she cooks for you or both of you. when you would go on patrols, you’d make sure to pick up cook books from before the outbreak since she found them so fascinating. and you loved being her little food guinea pig. spoiler: she was a fast learner so her cooking skills were pretty good.
ellie! 100% taught you to play the song (that we all know and love) that joel taught her on the guitar. and whenever you knew she needed to hear it, you’d play it for her. and, i swear on everything, there’d be tears in her eyes every time.
and for some freaky stuff… (i won’t get into crazy detail but i just wanna be thorough ;D)
ellie! just loves loving you… making love to you—doing everything that she can to almost prove that you’re everything to her (not that she needs to but she does it anyway).
meaning: at the very best, she’s a service!top. however, i can get behind her being a switch/verse (or maybe i’m bias lmao).
ellie! probably wouldn’t strap as often as the fanfics show. especially being in this apocalyptic world—where would you get them?? if they weren’t hella old… and, i feel like she’d think they were a little silly (but if you wanted to try it, she’d oblige because what you say goes).
ellie! loves to watch the expressions of your features contort into visuals of pleasure. it’s how she knew she was being good for you—doing everything that you asked but better!
your first time: of course she was super awkward. not really knowing where to put her hands at first. but once the heat began to rise, and your bodies began to press together, her entire energy changed! she’s her most confident when she’s in service to someone (in some way)—so she makes it her prerogative to make you feel good and comfortable. you weren’t really expecting that from her, though. it only took one airy moan coming from your lips for her to completely flip the script.
her hands were firmly delicate, and she made sure to be very vocal in your ears and over your body.
overall, ellie williams is a very attentive lover. in many ways than just one.
#🪅#millersfinest#ellie tlou#ellie williams#lesbian#ellie williams headcanons#ellie williams imagine#ellie williams smut
824 notes
·
View notes
Note
hi mae:) would you be willing to write a sirius x reader fic where reader just gets hammered and spills all of her family trauma to sirius? like, she’s no longer in that environment because she moved out but they were just really mean and terrible to her and she’s never told sirius but then she finally does and he’s just like “poor baby, let me tell you all of the love and reassurance you never got as a child:(“
Thanks for requesting lovely <3
Sirius Black x fem!reader ♡ 634 words
You worry you’ve traumatized your boyfriend.
Sirius has you tucked firmly under his chin, both arms squishing you to his front, and you’re not sure if the rocking is for you or him or possibly both.
“Sirius,” you murmur, some of the vowels lost due to your malfunctioning tongue. “Baby, m’sorry.”
“What’re you sorry for?” Your boyfriend’s voice sounds thin. He’s had a bit less to drink than you, but his words still sound like they’re written in cursive, strung together by thick emotion. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”
You sigh. It feels nice, being cocooned in his warmth like this. He’s squeezing you just tight enough to be comfortable, and he smells more like himself than like rum. Your next inhale, you focus on it. Clove and nighttime.
“I shouldn’t’ve dumped on you like this,” you admit.
“Yes you should have.” Sirius’ lips press firmly to the top of your head. “Sweetheart, I only wish you’d told me sooner. Why didn’t you?”
His sympathy is bringing you dangerously close to tears again. Your first wave has only just dried. “Because I know it’s a lot,” you say, attempting to swallow the blockage in your throat. “S’not like you don’t have your own family shit to deal with. And anyway, I moved out.”
“Baby.” Sirius sounds devastated. “I don’t care what shit I have, it doesn’t mean I don’t wanna hear about yours, too. I always do.” His fingers bunch in the fabric of your top, short nails scratching lightly against the skin underneath. “And I know better than fucking anyone that moving out helps, but it doesn’t fix everything. It can—you can still hurt.”
Where Sirius’ chin touches your forehead, you feel a hot tear drip onto your skin. A pained sound slips from your throat as you pull away from him, taking his face between your hands.
And you’d expected him to look upset, mournful even, but Sirius looks livid. Every sharp angle of his beautiful face is wrathful, silent tears gleaming on his cheeks and dark brows lowered over stormcloud eyes. His hands stay bunched in your top as if he means to keep you tethered to him by sheer force of will.
“You’re good,” he tells you, voice quavering with conviction. “You’re lovely, and kind, and more than enough. Got it?”
“Siri,” you whisper, brushing some of the wetness from his cheeks. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not,” he insists. Some of the harshness has waned from his expression, though, under your gentle touch. “Nobody should ev—” His voice splinters, and Sirius looks frustrated with himself. You want to roll the both of you up in the comforter of your bed and never come out. “Should ever treat their kid that way,” he finishes. He looks you in your eyes, fierce in his earnestness. “I’m gonna love you so hard those fuckers will regret not giving it to you sooner.”
Though you try to stop it, a corner of your mouth tips up. “I love you, too, baby. You can love me as hard as you want.”
“Oh, fuck you.” He cracks a smile at your salacious tone. You stop trying to hold back the rest of your grin, and he grabs your face in both hands, smashing his lips to yours.
The kiss is firm but not harsh, so fond it makes your heart feel like a bruise. Sirius moves to your forehead next.
“My baby,” he says against your skin, both amused and ardent. Drops his forehead to yours. “I’m gonna make up for it. I’m gonna give you everything you never got back then. Do you have any idea how much I love you, sweet thing?”
“I love you, too,” you promise him, pushing against his forehead lightly with your own. “Don’t worry, you already make up for everything.”
#sirius black#sirius black x reader#sirius black x fem!reader#sirius black x y/n#sirius black x you#sirius black x self insert#sirius black fanfiction#sirius black fanfic#sirius black fic#sirius black hurt/comfort#sirius black imagine#sirius black scenario#sirius black drabble#sirius black blurb#sirius black oneshot#sirius black one shot#marauders#marauders fanfiction#marauders fandom#the marauders#hp marauders#marauders era#marauders x reader
790 notes
·
View notes