#shes always playing someone in those too
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shes an ACTRESS
#not a good one per se but she does know her character#missy is so fucking fun i should relisten to her audios. or get the one with amy#shes always playing someone in those too#not always probably. often#but she undoubtedly knows the doctor best#and like this whole thing she does#it's like. it'sl ike drag#the doctor takes their identity SO seriously#and missy is just like 'i can play that'#and she makes fun of it by playing it#shes like 'it's all play bestie. you are the doctor i am the master except for when i am the doctor and you are the master'#'it's not that deep bestie have some fun'#'watch me play you. it's all put on. even when YOU do it'#it's drag
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The Arcane fandom, especially on TikTok is never beating the allegations because why, now, some fans act like it's too inconceivable to imagine that Ambessa was, not only, pregnant twice but gave birth twice as well? And their reasoning for this is "She looks like the type to get a man pregnant instead" or "She's too tough for that, I just can't see someone like her going through that." There are layers to these statements because, for one, just because someone, especially a woman, is a dominant force doesn't mean that they can't get/don't want to become pregnant (do you believe overtly dominant men can't be fathers?) It's also very weird because the undertones of misogyny and misogynoir and the overt masculinization of black women are there because, not only are they viewing pregnancy and giving birth, in general, to be viewed as something "weak" (even though it's grueling hours of labor that results in tearing the body apart, sometimes even death) but also attempts to strip Ambessa of her nuance. Yes, she is strong and very dominant, but she also deeply loved her children, who she birthed, and when one was taken away from her it changed her deeply. It's very gross to view a character like her in this way because it also reflects how you view dominant women in real life, pregnancy, and childbirth as a whole. Like how are you going to praise Arcane for having such a wide and diverse ensemble of female characters, but then have misogynistic takes like this? Make it make sense.
#arcane#ambessa medarda#arcane ambessa#anti arcane#anti arcane fandom#bc if i said the “she gets a man pregnant bc she's girlboss” also plays into misogynistic tropes bc it not only#devoids female characters of their nuances but also frames pregnancy as something “weak” or those who go thru it as “lesser than” but always#pressing the pregnancy in question on male characters who they either ignore (so they only view pregnancy for breeding and nothing else) or#infantilize (so you only view pregnancy as happening to someone who is submissive?) there's layers to this#and bringing it back to the masculinization of black women especially dark skin women people are already viewed as#existing outside the stereotypical lens of “femininity” and that in turn includes pregnancy and childbirth (which is viewed#thru a stereotypical lens as well) and bc people already don't view black women to fit the first box they definitely don't for the other#especially if she matches ambessa's body type &/or personality#even tho a big part of ambessa's character is literally her being a mom!#and don't get me started on how some of you view mother characters as anything outside of motherhood in general#(but a part of that is also bc the media doesn't give them much at times either but fandom still gets it's lashing too!)#like lets analyze: why do you think female characters who are “too tough” can't be pregnant as well? why do you think they can't be mothers?#why do you think they are “too tough” to give birth? is it bc u subconsciously view it as a weakness?#why do you think black women especially those like ambessa can't give birth & be mothers? is it bc you have biased views towards motherhood#where it's stereotypically “feminine” (yte) and black women don't fit that mold in your mind?#like i could go on!#(if i also said back to the girlboss & get men pregnant thing how a lot of it carries undertones of misogyny as well id be wrong but-)#some of yall did the same thing with mel & continue to do so when those pregnancy rumors were coming out#masc women can give and want to give birth while still being who they are (it literally happens in real life) so why people act surprised?#tw pregnancy mention#tw childbirth mention#fandom racism#fandom misogyny
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I hate the stretch lines in the front of Curly's uniform because that means the devs rushed to make a model in like a month or so and thought "They gotta at least know he has huge knockers, gotta know he's got back pain." Cause like what is the thematic importance of his tits having overhang?
What responsibility is that representing? Breast reduction? It shows an inherent greed in his character due to the excess and heshouldletmeholdone and that he clearly is blinded cause if he tries to look down his damn ladder all he's seeing is his own cleavage.
#this is my curly slander post ig#disclaimer i need you to understand i see all fictional men i like as like butches Curly is no exception#but like they didnt need to add that many polygons to his chest like its unnessary and honestly a little mean he already has so many things#to handle and you expect him to hold those boys up like that just aint right this is like something so stupid but i know you can tell im#having strong feelings about it cause like what was the point why did they survive the fucking crash it has to be a injoke at this point#with the devs it shouldnt make me this mad im turning into a misandrist but only towards large chested men#mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#shitpost#suggestive#ig because this is just about his chest but like also they made him objectively pretty for no reason like yeah like ideal man and work ig#but they went over the extra mile like i have a right to be mad they did that much for a model we see canonically for like two seconds its#crazy actually how little we see of curly pre crash because we also lose his physical movements to help characterize him the way we see#body language with the other characters and how it gives way to their struggles and personalities and sentiments in certain moments#like all he does and how he emotes is stifled by the fact we always play as him until the last moments where he takes over to try and save#the ship and crew and even right before that the scene is so wrought with tension we cant tell what that look he gave Jimmy meant due to#the limitations of the models and how stiff Curly is like was it fear acceptance denial we dont know enought about how he acts himself#to tell and then everything else is charaterized by what Jimmy had done to where we dont really just get to see Curly as himself like Anya#and Swansea and Daisuke we have no idea how theyd act in a regular moment outside of a few glimpses and even then it is them doing#their jobs like grrrr we hate an unreliable narrator but also its the fact jimmy clearly does not interact with them or try to outside of#his position as copilot and then captain harkening back to the entire capitlist view of utility and how he views all of them as useless eve#Curly which fandom tangent the fandom also tends to do to Curly as they base every trait on what they think he failed to do as Captain#between Jimmy and Anya when the QnAs kinda make him out to be a rather open and willing person but still someone who isnt like a push over#just thinking of QnA three where it mentions hes very open to trying new things and you need to be an open minded person to open urself up#to failure like that and ig this is just the weird view that Curly needs to learn that or that theres redemption he needs personality wise#verses healing and learning from trauma like idk its the idea that people assume he did abosultely nothing when the games points out direct#and throught parallels he was taking actions its just wasnt enough and an over focus on absolute inaction vs ineffective methods used to#tackle the issues and themes the game grapples with plus wanting someone to take the blame and have to make it up to Anya even tho#i think it would mean nothing from Curly because she saw his efforts and would be disappointed it wasnt enough but the idea she would#disregard the attempts or not acknoweldge Jimmy as the epicenter compared ot Curly is weird and too focused on someone
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I love Amadeus so much hooooly shit i love it. I just watched it for the ninth time. I'm considering watching the directors cut this time, though i usually watch the theatrical version (guess who has Amadeus theatrical version on dvd) Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus
#amadeus 1984#salieri has been touched by god AT LAST#AND GOD FORCED TO LISTEN#through my influence i saw to it don giovanni was only played 5 times in vienna#but in secret i went to every one of those five#worshiping the sound i alone seemed to hear#antonio salieri#he wasnt like that in real life at all but i love them both#this movie literally changed my life i wouldn't be doing half the cool things i do now without it#wolfgang amadeus mozart#what a name#i always so that when someone mentions dick vandyke but wilfie gets it too for the name wolfgang#that scene where salieri makes *that* face when reading the sheet music#correction: THOSE#that guy REALLY likes music#oh and constanze#i love her#shes so cutes#LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!#my favorite opera scene is don giovanni or axur re d'ormus#SOOON QUESTE LE SPERANZEEEEEE
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now that i'm playing dragon age: veilguard i understand hbomberguy so much better. think i could probably do a 3.5 hours long video called "dragon age: the veilguard is FINE and here's why"
#the writing in dragon age has Always been a bit clunky it's part of the charm#but yes there are sections in DAV that made me go “oh nooo”#but no it isn't as bad as people say#the mechanics are fun idc. it's bad that my new laptop can run all of BG3 fine but becomes laggy as hell in any city location in DAV tho#companions r generally charming and they're all professionals so it makes sense they're less prone to big fights than say DAO morrigan#but yes i do miss having a bit more tension in the party sometimes#the character creator is great for dudes but yea it would probably b cool if it were possible to have curvier bodies for those who want tha#but no it isn't literally impossible to make good-looking rooks. it's quite easy actually#and like yeah you can't have wildly out there body types but it's pretty cool that you can be a geralt type a twink or chubby as a dude#(i play male characters and have only done the female cc once for a custom f!inquisitor so i have more experience w that one)#the qunari also look. fine? the antaam don't look too soft or anything so far#the majority of complaints against this game were stupid and not rooted in anything real#BUT!!! i don't love it#solas continues to be a highlight#lucanis is great so far and i love neve#neve's voice acting is amazing#she manages to make some very disappointing lines sound good#but..... i can't pretend the writing *isn't* awkward in places#d'meta's crossing stands out to me as a pretty bad case of overly direct storytelling#(spoilers) talking to the mayor was deeply disappointing! he just TOLD rook what he did and why. it felt so anticlimactic#especially bc the imagery in the village was striking and grotesque#but there didn't feel like there was any payoff#other sections have been great#but DAV just feels like it completely lacks subtlety at times#the other DA games haven't always been masters of show dont tell but this section felt like a first draft#like someone was working out the story and didn't have time to polish the script at all before the voice actors were called in#idk it really stands out to me as bad#also yeah it's noticeable that you don't really get to do evil things. at least not yet
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Finally watched Kung Fu Panda 4, tell me why it unironically changed my life
#I've never seen four movies work so well together#po's DADS#subliminal messaging about generational trauma but it's okay because it's a positive message#yes so interesting how po actually does have a lot in common with his enemies but he always chooses peace and understanding#crazy how some empathy goes a long way#the chameleon fr built her own empire so she could have stairs that were a good proportion for her size like#notice how the rabbits are treated in the movie and it will all make sense#except for those creepy ass happy tree friends bunnies what was up with that#they were hilarious though don't get me wrong#TAI LUNG'S CHARACTER ARC#i luv tai lung sm#i thought they were only going to have the shapeshifted version of him in the movie and it would be a cop out but omg i was mistaken#he actually came back and took accountability and actually complimented po and understood what it actually means to be a dragon warrior#then when he took the chameleon into the spirit realm he was doing what was done to him because he understood the chameleon but also po#also all of zhen's parallels to po it was so cool to see how someone who was not as soft and open minded could also be the dragon warrior#WTF MR BEAST WAS IN THIS MOVIE#But he played the panda pig that was being assessed on being a potential dragon warrior#aka blantantly impersonating someone who's seen as a good person for clout#also idk if the character being a pig has anything to do with it maybe a subtle gesture but obviously there are lots of pig villagers#i dont like mr beast and idk i just feel like there's a deeper reason why he's listed in the cast when he maybe had one line#did he pay to be in this movie...did he like know what the character would be#am i looking too much into it help#also also since you've read this far okay hear me out bryan cranston was in this movie right#hes also walter white#so he has huge range as an actor in that sense#you know who else has range#joaquin phoenix#he played joker and kenai in brother bear#YEAH BROTHER BEAR IKR#but like...brother bear. breaking bad! idk i just feel like there's a connection there why so many b's and why am i obsessing over this help
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dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!!#i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun!#BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia.#my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door#or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death.........#Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees#old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk.#and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that.#I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway!#wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic.#anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne#is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either)#and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god.#AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :((#2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more.#i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever.#ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop#getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared#okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!
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kinda wanna try hunting down all the lynels in totk. ever since i killed that silver one in the depths I'm just like wait omg i wanna go back and find those mfs who were giving me a hard time 😤🤺 ← she wants 2 dance !!!
#the game is A Lot more fun once u get the hang of perfect dodge n perfect parry#I'm still trying 2 get 100% at it and that one in the depths was rly good practice.#now every time i come back to totk I'm like 👀👀 WHO is trying to fight ⁉️#the goblins r not enough !! i wish this was on pc so someone could make a mod that adds a lot more monsters to a group#lol n e ways i love games that give u a parry + critical counter option. i think it is really fun and engaging :3#and it's usually the most challenging but high risk high reward thing abt a game to me and getting it down is always so satisfying#૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა#knowing i can do those too in botw i look forward to playing that next! like there r still a lot of nooks n venues 2 explore but#i learned how to do these p late game i already have all the sages so I'm trying 2 hold off on doing anything else 4 the main quest and#get 2 the side quests and Explore. i know i wanna collect all the sages' will to get the upgrades and finish finding all the lightroots#but I'm also like hmmm What Else bc i don't want this game 2 be over yet 😔👉👈 she's been having soo much fun#so lynel hunting it is 😈 im not ready for the 3 headed dragons yet‚ i tried fighting one at my friend's house and it was kicking my ASS 💀
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The last living relative of the great Pinestar. As his granddaughter, and as an extremely talented young warrior, in her own right, great things are expected of Alpineknoll. Only time will tell if she will fulfill this presumed destiny, but thanks to the careful rearing and training of her grandmother, Graypelt, she shows great promise towards her destiny.
#I love her so much#righteous pines#clangen#clangen oc#lion’s art#my art#pineclan#alpineknoll#she’s THE nepo-baby I ADORE her. Only time will tell who she will become…#For any curious her mother and father never existed in game#She just looks similar to Graypelt. Whom I have yet to post but believe me she’s coming soon! And also has the brown#Around the shade I imagined pine. So. I decided that her father was a loner (which is ok as long as it’s basically just a sire situation-#(-in Pineclan. They hate cross clan relationships but loner clan relationships are more blurry. Because loners can be converted <3#Or simply ignored. Kept out of the territory#away from borders. But the other clans… they’ll always be there. Trying to ruin those innocent kits with their poisonous rot#How dare they lead them astray? That’s why that’s SO much worse. (To them)#You’ve let them steal your devotion away. Who are you really devoted to? Starclan? Or him?#Anyway! It was a sire situation so it was cool. Then her mom died like immediately in a battle with one of the other clans#Proooobably holly? Maybe spider since I actually do have someone playing for them#And grandma Graypelt raised her ever since. Mentored her too since she wasn’t her literal mother. That’s allowed#And this pompous mean girl with a massive weight on her shoulders is the result!#warrior cats#warrior cats oc
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birthday cake
#you know those dreams where you have a kid and you raise them#so maybe i've never known grief but#when i was sixteen i dreamt i had a little brother#i was eight again and holding my sister's hand as we watched the door of the delivery room with sleepy eyed stares#she's four and holding her jellycat with me because i insisted i didn't need one because i was eight#it's midnight in germany. i'm holding my knees waiting#waiting#someone comes out and tells us it's a boy#i saw the joy in my father's eyes#i felt it in mine too#i watched him through the glass of the observing deck#he was new and he was beautiful and they'd called him alistair and i loved him#he grew to love cats and rockets and know all the lyrics to all the queen songs and be good at maths#he had my sister's eyes and my hair that was always grown out#he hovered on the doorway of my bedroom#his shadow was a permanent fixture in the landscape of my childhood room#he ate a lot of sugar but refused to eat chocolate#because he knows i can't have it#he played the violin because sherlock holmes did#his jokes are awful#but we laugh anyway#my sister and i taught him to swear and swim and play the piano#when i woke up i felt an inconsolable grief knowing that i was sixteen again and he never existed#everyday i'm forgetting his face little by little#so if dreams really are different universes then he's twelve today and i'm at home and i've just made his birthday cake
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So a few months ago there was the discourse about would you rather meet a man or a bear in the woods. I didn't want to touch it while the discourse was hot and everyone dug in hard because those are not good conditions for nuance, but I waited until today, June 1st, for a specific reason.
I'm not going to take a position in the bear vs man debate because I don't think it matters. What is really being asked here is how afraid are you of men? Specifically, unexpected men who are, perhaps, strange.
People have a lot of very real fear of men that comes from a lot of very real places. Back when I was first transitioning in 2015 and 2016, I decided to start presenting as a woman in public even though I did not pass in the slightest.
I live in a red state. I knew other trans women who had been attacked by men, raped by men. I knew I was taking a risk by putting myself out there. I was the only visibly trans person in the area of campus I frequented, and people made sure I never forgot that. Most were harmless enough and the worst I got from them was curious stares. Others were more aggressive, even the occasional threat. I had to avoid public bathrooms, of course, and always be aware of my surroundings.
I know how frightening it is to be alone at night while a pair of men are following behind you and not knowing if they are just going in the same direction or if they want to start something - made all the worse for the constant low level threat I had been living under for over a year by just being visibly trans in a place where many are openly hostile to queer people. You have to remember, this was at the height of the first wave of bathroom law discussions, a lot of people were very angry about trans women in particular. My daily life was terrifying at times. I was never the subject of direct violence, but I knew trans women who had been.
I want you to keep all that in mind.
So man or bear is really the question "how afraid of men are you?", and the question that logically follows is "What if there was a strange man at night in a deserted parking lot?" or "What if you were alone in an elevator with a man?" or "What if you met a strange man in the woman's bathroom?"
My state recently passed an anti trans bathroom bill. The rhetoric they used was about protecting women and children from "strange men", aka trans women.
Conservatives hijack fear for their bigoted agenda.
When I first started presenting as a woman the campus apartment complex was designed for young families. The buildings were in a large square with playgrounds in the center, and there were often children playing. I quickly noticed that when I took my daughter out to play, often several children would immediately stop what they were doing and run back inside. It didn't take me long to confirm that the parents were so afraid of "the strange man who wears skirts" that their children were under strict instructions to literally run away as soon as they saw me.
"How afraid are you of a strange man being near your children?"
I mentioned above that I had to avoid public bathrooms. This was not because of men. It was because of women who were so afraid of random men that they might get violent or call someone like the police to be violent for them if I ever accidentally presented myself in a way that could be interpreted as threatening, when my mere presence could be seen as a threat. If I was in the library studying and I realized that it was just me and one other woman I would get up and leave because she might decide that stranger danger was happening.
Your fear is real. Your fear might even come from lived experiences. None of that prevents the fact that your fear can be violent. Women's fear of men is one of the driving forces of transmisogyny because it is so easy to hijack. And it isn't just trans women. Other trans people experience this, and other queer people too. Racial minorities, homeless people, neurodivergent people, disabled people.
When you uncritically engage with questions like man or bear, when you uncritically validate a culture of reactive fear, you are paving the way for conservatives and bigots to push their agenda. And that is why I waited until pride month. You cannot engage and contribute to the culture of reactive fear without contributing to queerphobia of all varieties. The sensationalist culture of reactive fear is a serious queer issue, and everyone just forgot that for a week as they argued over man or bear. I'm not saying that "man" is the right answer. I am saying that uncritically engaging with such obvious click bait trading on reactive fear is a problem. Everyone fucked up.
It is not a moral failing to experience fear, but it is a moral responsibility to keep a handle on that fear and know how it might harm others.
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you think you’ll be over a situation but then you remember something else and be like !! ouch !! that actually really did hurt and effect me deeply !! but that is okay because it shows that i am alive !! and with that comes the good and the bad, and bad times are just times that are bad
#yes it’s a tattoo i have on my arm and is a constant reminder#that bad times are just times that are bad#not a bad life just some bad moments#but within those are !! glorious and beautiful and lovely moments too#very ying and yang#personal#hard lessons#remembered when someone im no longer friends with did something very sinister and i played it off as that’s just how they are#and i’m recognizing that even if that is just how someone is it’s not justifiable#what hurt me hurt and that’s ok !! i am allowed to give a fuck and i do care deeply actually !!#the most fucked part of it all is having moments where i think of them and see something i know they would love !! but knowing i can never#go back to that or them or pretend like anything about that friendship was normal#she was very manipulative and cruel and i always felt so ashamed to have these feelings for her#but i’m trying to be more gentle#and open with myself#this is a girlblog#womanhood#personal rant
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I do like the idea of hag romance having the ability to precisely be so cutting to each other. in a scenario where they’re only allies and not lovers, I think they’ll both be able to hurt each other in a way that matters ! bc they’re both so similar, lying fuckers. but then if they’re not poking at each other’s bruises they’re laughing at someone’s misfortune together because they’re both menaces to society
#they’re the can’t stand her fake ass! 15 mins later me and the bestie 👯♀️#they’ll be frenemies fr. I think he’ll be disgusted at how much she lowered herself for lolth and she’ll think him so weak for the times he#gave in to cazador. (also lolth = matriarch too). and that’s both a sensitive topic for them and I def think they’ll always be trying to#cross that line. really are just salting each other’s wound until they can bully someone together lol#there’s also that discomfort of seeing someone in a similar situation (both pawns to someone who has complete control over them)#for astarion it’s an actual link bc that’s his creator / but for shri’iia it’s like a choice she made#so it’s someone lowering herself to be in that position which is utter SHIT. I think he’d see it as a choice she has made#and she’s similar to those fanatics who come kneeling in cazador’s doorsteps#completely discarding the fact that cult indoctrination is behind that too lol. I also think the elf/drow rivalry bias will come to play#and he’d be less understanding. whereas she will see him#as a weak person bc of how he has succumb to cazador. and in his centuries he did not even try to fight back#and if he did she will disregard it bc if he was strong enough he would’ve gotten rid of his master. like lots of victim blaming#as per lolth drow standards. I like the idea that they can be so cruel to each other#and in the romance they still have that ability to be cruel to each other but they choose not to and they’re more understanding#I also do like the idea in a non romance where they will be understanding of each other’s positions especially by the end after the#character growth. and they will give the other more grace
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I was expecting so much more from Again My Life considering lee jungi was its main character but it was such a let down...
#like. what even was that show#it wanted to be a drama mistery political law/justic AND fantacy and it didnt manage to deliver even one of those properly#the fantasy element was a joke. and it didn't have any impact after the first... what? 3 episodes?#I kept waiting for the girl to almost die and hiu to save her. bc she mustve somehow died at cho taesob's hand in the past life#but nope#and then the main plot was a fucking mess#too many names (people and companies) kept popping up and then going away#and i can get past all of that#but what I couldn't stand about this show was how fucking stupid the laws and the power dynamics were#we never see anyone actually DO any work. they just make phonecalls and things just... happen#hiu needs something. he calls someone. and now suddenly he has all the info and proof in a folder.#where did u get that? how did u confirm the legitimacy?#cho taesob is the dumbest villain ive ever seen in a kdrama. 1 he was miscasted. that guy looked like the sweetest grandpa.#his evil laugh was... laughable#and his whole thing with being the most power man in korea was just not believable. period.#from begining to end he didn't actually gain or lose any power. he had the same (insane) amount the whole time#and he was always at his home office chillin. like...#like if his power came from having dirt on every person in power/law postition why was he surprised when their dirts were revealed???#and why did he still hold power over them when their secrets where already out?#it just made no sense that he could just give any official position to anyone.#i havent even scartched the surface#there are so many loose ends and plot holes in this show I could do a 2 hour video essay on it#and im sorry hiu was the least charismatic character lee jungi has ever played and it wasnt his fault. hes played detective and lawyer befo#he wasn't new to the genre and role. the writing and directing of that drama was a complete waste of his talent#and the killer guy.. bro... both hui and the other posecuter he almost killed saw his face and they made zero effort to find him?#didn't he like explicitly say he's working for cho? why didn't that it kid who was there not film what was happening??#anyway <3#im watching samdalri now... my expectations are on the floor#i simply cannot be let down.#niki screaming into the void
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#every time i ask for help it ends up worse than it was#when i ask my mom she accuses me of not wanting help and not knowing what i want and how its my fault i dont want to be better#im always accused of not wanting help and not doing anything as if im not always researching and calling doctors and social workers#but thats my mom shes crazy and manipulative#but then when i take friends by their word that i can always talk to them and open up and say that i need them#i get ghosted???? 🥲#like its kinda funny at this point#and i know its a common autistic thing that people think that we dont mean what we say and play down our emotions#and that freeze and fawn trauma responses change how we show distress and sometimes makes us not show it appropriately#but every time i said#hey im feeling really bad i need you#to someone#they answer way too late and go like haha oops oh well!!!! sorry so busy!!!#as if my request had a time limit and now it didnt matter anymore#or they literally stop answering me for months#i texted my mental hospital friend in november for her birthday and she answered in january and i told her im in distress#and i havent heard from her since#every time i need someone their own life comes in the way which is fine and natural but#i really get the feeling i only matter to people#when im there for them and to help them or when im fun to be around#everyone says hey its okay and important to ask for help#people who care want you to ask for help#and i remind myself of that and try to work on my abandonment issues and all the self isolating#and then i get ignored and abandoned and i literally cant do it anymore 🥲#i know its unfair to think my friends should know that im having a stressful time so they should know better and check on me#so i dont do that and i communicate#but it doesnt do anything!!!!! literally nothing!!!#i think its even making it worse because they think theyve let me down so much i wont ask again and theyre off the hook#what else can i do????? like genuinely im so confused#and because i get hung up on those things i get borderline diagnosis that are wrong because i obsessively try to be fair and not too clingy
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sorry to ffxivlovepost always anyway Man the way the devs & game did so good in making an mc that is Basically a blank-slate for the players, and there's so many opportunities to make your oc However you like but. the game itself adds so much story and character to that blank-slate guy. amazing
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა ffxiv ໒꒱ *·˚#i think abt this a lot. and also a lot of other ffxiv stuff LMFAO#it's amazing ..... drk is a huge example of this i think#bcs it plays into the guilt and whatnot the wol feels and all that. spectacular#endwalker !!!!! shadowbringers!!! the way the game uses the concept of hope is just always so beautiful and fascinating to me#and yeah bunch of games may have like. mc you create & design but not always can you like. ehvejfhsjf idk how to explain LOL#it is 4 pm i woke up 2 hours ago but priorly woke at 7 am after havingn a rlly. weird sleep.#to which my twin told me 'i wont tell u what time it is' as we went to sleep so it def was Really late#bcs we were going thru re2 and she was also playing games on steam i've been telling her to play#(to which i got her fav characters right and knew fr how'd she'd like the game LMFAO. twins amiright.)#actually that is also smth so fascinating to me bcs. i always have had someone w me in my life. i am literally never alone.#to which what i'm getting at here is Wow... it's like having a sleepover every single day. and i was a kid always sad never to have#sleepovers bcs my parents were strict (they r cool tho!) but i was a kid who wanted to experience all the kid things#but i didn't rlly but that's fine :P i am a grateful person LOL anyway back on track back on black#ffxiv... the game that u are.....#it's the 1st game that rlly actually made me invested in the ocs of others and also make a fully fledged oc that wasn't just originally mine#but for a fandom or something. and also it got me back into writing and Into making poetry and prose so. yeah.#it's amazing how much. oc x canon ???? yeah. ffxiv is so Wow#like eveyrhhting w themis or graha and how u can AAGGGHHH shit w your oc . so many possibilities#and that character. those possibilities. are already in game but also expanded by the player and the fanbade and#idk it's so beautiful to me WHAGHSGDJDH. and yes me saying themis or graha up there is self-indukgent bcs#both of them are so Insane it's so. insane!!!!! i will never forget what happened in abyssos in particular that Broke me#and anabaseios... :)) i cried so much it is almost embarrassing. and wow. asphodelos. wverything w themis just. yeah#anyway graha... self-explanatory if u know..... idk he's the character of all time to me. simply said. but themis is crazy bcs going thru ab#yssos made me think for a bit 'hey themis might be my fav character in ffxiv now' but No but also Wow. wow#kinda cute bcs me and my twin have a thing where she has a certain type of chara she likes and me too#so sometimes. most times. all times. we have our own characters we like anyway but sometimes they overlap but either the case we kinda#lowkey 'segregate???' idk if that is a good word but we do that w our fav characters. so like emet is her fav elidibus is mine.#and that was all the way in arrr alr and we barely knew spoilers so that's kinda crazy! anyway
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