#his shadow was a permanent fixture in the landscape of my childhood room
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birthday cake
#you know those dreams where you have a kid and you raise them#so maybe i've never known grief but#when i was sixteen i dreamt i had a little brother#i was eight again and holding my sister's hand as we watched the door of the delivery room with sleepy eyed stares#she's four and holding her jellycat with me because i insisted i didn't need one because i was eight#it's midnight in germany. i'm holding my knees waiting#waiting#someone comes out and tells us it's a boy#i saw the joy in my father's eyes#i felt it in mine too#i watched him through the glass of the observing deck#he was new and he was beautiful and they'd called him alistair and i loved him#he grew to love cats and rockets and know all the lyrics to all the queen songs and be good at maths#he had my sister's eyes and my hair that was always grown out#he hovered on the doorway of my bedroom#his shadow was a permanent fixture in the landscape of my childhood room#he ate a lot of sugar but refused to eat chocolate#because he knows i can't have it#he played the violin because sherlock holmes did#his jokes are awful#but we laugh anyway#my sister and i taught him to swear and swim and play the piano#when i woke up i felt an inconsolable grief knowing that i was sixteen again and he never existed#everyday i'm forgetting his face little by little#so if dreams really are different universes then he's twelve today and i'm at home and i've just made his birthday cake
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