#she's still haunting the narrative huh

[please-let-this-work-oh-my-god]

OUGHH

[corfisers]

i really need to finish this one day

[plantdad-dante]

Book #169 - Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett

(THERE ARE LESBIANS IN MY DISCWORLD)

The first note I took came about two pages in, and it read: "oh I'm gonna have Feelings about this huh".

And uhhhh yes. Yes I did. I did have Feelings. Yay. Fuck.

Externally I'm fine. Internally I am a blabbering mess? Because like-  There are lesbians in my Discworld. There's a trans man in my Discworld. This is a book from 2003 and it is so gentle and blunt and beautiful about gender and hardship and war and abuse, while simultaniously not pulling a single punch about these things, either, and like. what the fuck (asked in very squeaky, wet-with-tears voice).

This one goes dark, holy fuck. The whole things about Wazzer retreating so far into herself and then looking up from that abyss into the face of the Duchess? I will be haunted by this passage for the rest of my life. The way the school girls' trauma is taken so seriously, when tone/genre-wise you'd expect it to be more implied than explicit (Lofty's pyromania would have been so easy to treat as a joke and laugh off, and yet. and yet. this fucking series, istg). The way everything about the war is acknowledged as bad and traumatizing, but not a single person gets dehumanized by the narrative, or the narrator. War is bad. People are still people.

Jesus fucking Christ, I love this book so much.

On a lighter note, the realisation that Vimes would be lurking in this plot's background was a welcome one. Also seeing Otto and William again. I did miss Sacharissa... until I realized that she needed to be absent for the journalism plot to work. She would have clocked the girls immediately, and the press needed to be dumb, so I get why she wasn't here.

[tries and fails to not be emotional about the "you can join as a man if you want" thing for three paragraphs]

I hope Seargent Jackrum is happy with his family. And I hope Polly's plan pays off. I hope she can find and establish the way to fight war by other means.

I just love them all so much, how the fuck-

[the-bitter-ocean]

( ACT 3/ ACT 4 SPOILERS) This is part 4 of the many responses/ dialogue options I wrote for the conversation that Rewind and Mirabelle have on what Rewind’s identity truly is. To understand the full context you can find the original post here. Writing is under the cut:

{{“So I suppose you must have a lot of questions for me don’t you? Theories as to who I might be?”}}

{ You do. You can’t help but feel overwhelmed by all of this.}

{{“Let’s make this like a game so you can get to know me a little better. How’s that sound hm?”}}

{You nod slowly, still unsure.}

{{“You get one guess for this so pick whatever feels right in your heart.” }}

{One guess?}

=> {You’re a ghost.}

{“…Are you a ghost?”}

{The way that Riri acts reminds you of those stories you used to read about mysterious ghosts who haunt the narrative, both symbolically and literally. }

{ You always thought that type of writing was really cool. }

{ Riri tilts her head at you. }

{{“…A…ghost? Wh-”}}

{ Rewind sounds upset!! }

{ Uh oh!}

{YOU GOTTA SAVE THIS SOMEHOW!! QUICK!! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!!}

{“Not like in the mean way!! I don’t think you’re a scary or an evil ghost!”}

{“…More like.. a helpful one? I don’t know something about you feels..here but also not…if that makes sense?”}

{{“… Oh, I see!”}}

{{“….”}}

{{“.. Your guess isn’t …entirely wrong, Plum!”}}

{{“But it’s also not right either!”}}

{{“Both can be true all at once!”}}

{ Huh? Someone who’s both a ghost but also not? That..sounds confusing. }

{ You think you might remember Madame Odile and Isabeau talking about something like that a long time ago. You wished you paid more attention. }

{{“..I can sense your confusion already..I’d rather not complicate things!”}}

{{“So yes let’s just say I’m a ghost..sort of! Maybe! Yeah we can go with that!”}}

{???}

{{“And I suppose if I’m a ghost this tree is my final resting place~! “}}

{ Wait so then…}

{“.. If you’re a ghost.. then whose ghost are you?”}

{Riri goes quiet and squints at you. }

{She giggles and shakes their head. }

{ Rewind shrugs her shoulders.}

{{“Who can say? The world may never know.”}}

{ That felt unsatisfying.}

[jinko-hellhound]

“over and over, all born into great pain” — bungou stray dogs — chuuya, atsushi, dazai

“Atsushi appears on Chuuya’s doorstep covered in blood and full of drugs. Dazai, despite not being present, dutifully haunts the narrative. or: Strangers who’ve been shaped by the same person. or or: 4,000-ish words of musing and vibes and no plot.” — posted for @dazaibirthdayweek2024 !

words: 3,925

first published: 6/18/2024

characters: dazai osamu, nakahara chuuya, nakajima atsushi

relationships: nakahara chuuya & nakajima atsushi, dazai osamu & nakajima atsushi, nakahara chuuya/dazai osamu

tags: mild hurt/comfort, light angst, introspection, no plot/plotless, implied/reference drug use, non-consensual drug use (off-screen), mild gore, tiger nakajima atsushi, implied/referenced cannibalism (crazy), caring nakahara chuuya

crossposted on ao3

Dazai’s stupid kid is crumpled on Chuuya’s doorstep.

Chuuya had wanted to head down to the liquor store. Instead, his boots hit boy as soon as he stepped out the door. Fucking Dazai, Chuuya thinks, because it must be Dazai’s fault.

Chuuya sighs. He turns back to his empty penthouse, as though expecting Dazai to pop out from behind his couch and shout surprise! then announce to him some stupid plan that absolutely necessitates the weretiger bleeding out in the hall.

“Weretiger,” Chuuya says. The weretiger gives a noncommittal grunt. Copper is already filling the air and seeping into the carpet from a wound that must be in the kid’s torso, way he’s doubled over it. God, the stain in the carpet. Chuuya should just get the carpet ripped out, with how often he has to call the cleaners. Doesn’t the kid have superhuman healing? Chuuya squints. Shouldn’t he be healed already?

“Weretiger,” Chuuya says again. The kid’s shoulder shifts a centimeter and that’s about all the response he gets. Well, okay. Questions later. First things first — the weretiger rises into the air and floats into the middle of the living room. His eyes flutter, but he doesn’t seem to register the red glow around him.

“Bwuh,” the weretiger says. A conveniently stashed sheet of plastic (this is not Chuuya’s first rodeo) lifts up and settles over the couch cushions. The weretiger follows. “Bwuuuhhgggg,” he says smartly into the plastic. His left arm is a long pale line hanging off the couch, which Chuuya’s black Maine-coon is already clawing at. The weretiger seems unperturbed by this.

“Uh-huh.” The first aid kit deposits itself into his hands as he strides over to the couch. “Lemme see that wound.”

Except there’s nothing to see. Under the ripped up shirt and all the clotting blood and bits of loose flesh, it’s just smooth skin. So his ability has done its work, if belatedly. Some of this blood is only a few minutes old. It healed fast, but not as fast as it ought’ve. But the weretiger is still acting all loopy, whimpering like something hurts. Just blood loss? That doesn’t feel right.

Chuuya sits himself on his coffee table, knees bumping the couch. “What’s your name again?” It’s somewhere in the back of his mind, but all he ever hears is Akutugawa’s jinkos.

“Naka…” the weretiger starts, then seems to forget he was saying anything. He turns to the cat as though he only just realized she was drawing tracks down his arm, and coos, scratching at her chin. His pupils are huge. Ah, that’s one question answered at least. A hard drug hindered his healing — and it would have disoriented him enough to panic, go out searching for help. Now the question was what drug, why, and how the fuck did his mind, even drug-addled, end up at Chuuya?

“Naka…” Chuuya echoes, scratching his chin. He really should know this, considering the scuffles and the bounty and the general hot topic the boy was around the Port Mafia. The weretiger does not provide any more help. He is entirely caught up with the cat. Now fully turned onto his side, the weretiger has both hands around the cat’s face, scratching dutifully under both her ears. She purrs like a motorboat.

“Hello,” he says reverently. Big-eyed, he tilts forward until he and the cat can touch noses. When he smiles Chuuya catches braces and grimaces. “Hello, hello, meow.”

“Mrow,” the cat offers.

“Nakajima!” Chuuya finally settles on, triumphant. Nakajima looks up at him fully for the first time, grinning with a Dazai-like edge. Well — tree, apple, falling, etc. Chuuya supposes he’s not so much grinning like Dazai as he is grinning like someone high on nebulous hard drugs, which Dazai often is.

“What’s her name?” Nakajima asks, glossy eyes settling somewhere on Chuuya’s chin.

“Pingus,” Chuuya says, and Nakajima dissolves into giggle fits. He rolls over, pushing himself into the back of the couch, giggling so hard his feet kick out. Pingus, scandalized, climbs onto the couch and begins kneading at Atsushi’s side, trying to force her head under his hands. “What!” Chuuya says, even though he’s listened to a hundred people laugh at his cat’s name before. “It’s a fine Spanish wine, Nakajima, does your idiot mentor teach you anything—”

Nakajima’s laughter stops abruptly. Everything about him stops abruptly. He pushes himself up onto his forearms and Chuuya realizes he hates the sight of him — collapsed on Chuuya’s fine couch, which he’d bought with blood money; white hair and moonlight skin and tatters of a white shirt, all matted and sticky with his own blood, bits of flesh trailing down his stomach. He’s got, Chuuya realizes, red smears all over his chin, his neck, and if he opened his mouth a little wider it might be on his teeth, too. Chuuya had always thought the kid sweet, a bit naive, earnest and reckless. Akutugawa had called him a stupid dog. He wonders about the man-eating tiger stories; wonders what Dazai saw in him in the first place that he thought would make a good partner for Akutugawa. He wonders what Dazai’s taught the kid - what he’s nurtured in him.

“Dazai,” Nakajima says, just as reverential as when he’d been speaking to Pingus. “Dazai told me to come here.” Out of his front pocket, he pulls a crumpled, slightly damp piece of notebook paper and holds it out to Chuuya. He grins big, proud of himself.

A safe place in case of emergency! :D It reads, in Dazai’s stupid messy scrawl. Chuuya will be kind and keep Atsushi for a bit. Tell Chuuya Dazai sent you!

Below these instructions are Chuuya’s address, his phone number (Jesus, Dazai, Chuuya thinks — might as well start plastering Chuuya’s face all over Main Street), and, of course, nothing directed at Chuuya.

Chuuya sighs, runs a hand through his hair. Fucking Dazai — what was he thinking, sending Nakajima his way? Did he tell his whole gaggle of do-gooders Chuuya’s place was a safehouse? And why the hell would he send Nakajima straight into the Mafia’s hands?

(Unless, of course, he believed Chuuya would decline to tell the Mafia about this at all. It was a big risk, believing that.)

“So.” Chuuya leans forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. He studies Nakajima, whose chest is heaving, every breath coming with a hint of a wheeze. Did he overdose? Chuuya taps his foot, considering — he has aspirin in his first-aid kit. Narcan too. “What happened, huh? Too much catnip?”

Nakajima grins lazily (yes, he was right — blood and braces), head lolling against the couch. His arm is limp when Chuuya picks it up, presses two fingers to the pulse point at the inside of his elbow. Nakajima’s offering way too much trust, either because of the drugs or Dazai — Chuuya could stop his blood from flowing at all, if he wanted to. But Dazai would shoot him in the temple, probably.

“I dunno,” Nakajima slurs. His mental condition is definitely unnerving, but at least his pulse feels fine, and his skin isn’t clammy.

Chuuya pinches his inner arm and Nakajima yelps, jolting — his arm becomes monstrous and heavy. Chuuya stares at it, considering the length of its claws. Man-eater, he thinks.

“Huh,” Chuuya says. Then: “Wake up, kid. Tell me what happened.”

“Um.” Pingus is rubbing her face all over Nakajima’s jaw. A deep purr rumbles in Nakajima’s chest to match Pingus’s, which Chuuya is only mildly surprised by. There’s some semblance of awareness in Nakajima’s eyes that Chuuya thinks is due to Pingus’s bothering. She’ll get extra fish with her dinner, as a reward. “Dazai and I were undercover…” Nakajima’s eyes roam the ceiling, running his (both now human, thank God) bony hands up and down Pingus’s back. “Undercover, and… Dazai told me to leave — really fast.”

“Why?”

Nakajima looks frustrated, and Chuuya understands. With a mind addled like his is, it can be hard to put words to things even if you know exactly what you’re trying to explain. But if there’s trouble, there’s no time to wait for Nakajima to sober up.

“Because…” Nakajima says, “He said we were drugged… we were at this fancy party, and I started feeling funny, and Dazai said, go to the Agency, but the Agency was far away… I left him there…” Nakajima jumps up, suddenly, throwing a yowling Pingus off his chest. White knuckling the back of the couch, Nakajima shouts, “Dazai’s in trouble!”

“Calm down.” Chuuya considers reaching out, pushing Nakajima back down onto the couch. That probably wouldn’t go well. “You know Dazai’s fine.” Fine was maybe a strong word, but alive was a fact that seemed to stay true no matter what. “I need more from you. How’d you get injured?”

Nakajima blinks at him. “Injured?”

“Injured,” Chuuya reiterates, pointing at the chunk of yellow fat smeared across Nakijma’s stomach. What a fucking sight. All the hallmarks of a corpse on his couch, except the actual injury.

“Oh,” Nakajima says, squinting down at his own blood. He sort-of snarls as he runs his tongue over his upper teeth, like he just realized the blood on it. “I don’t — remember? I think someone tried to stop me leaving…”

Chuuya puts the images together. Thinks it through — Nakajima and Dazai, both of them completely out of place in some party full of cocktail dresses and tiny sausages. The drugging had to be well hidden for Dazai not to notice, but he would have known the second it slid down his throat. He imagines Dazai’s panicked face — the one no one else ever notices except Chuuya, who is very well attuned to the tiniest twitches of Dazai’s eyebrows — imagines him calculating exactly how many minutes him and Nakajima had, making an estimated guess based on Nakajima’s size and ability and how much he’d unknowingly chugged, and then deciding the kid had enough time to get the hell out of dodge.

Nakajima would have had to leave as discreetly as possible, as though he didn’t know anything was wrong. But if someone had drugged them both, then they were watching them, too. Nakajima had been intercepted, gotten hurt, and — hm. The man-eating thing had only ever been rumors. But if he had claws like that, Chuuya could only imagine the teeth, and what one does when there’s an unknown drug and panic and blood loss all settling in at once. With his efforts to get all the blood off his teeth and out of the crannies of his braces, Nakajima is making a lot of funny faces.

So someone was probably dead. And Dazai was God knows where. And — okay.

Chuuya tilts his head up to the ceiling, ignoring Nakajima, who has once again become preoccupied with Pingus. Question time:

1. Where’s Dazai? Did he get himself out too? Or is he drugged up in someone’s basement?

2. Why Nakajima and not him? If it were one or the other, Dazai would have had a much easier time getting himself out than Nakajima. His tolerance is higher, he probably had less, and, frankly, he’d probably be much more useful in terms of knowledge.

3. For that matter: why not both? Why couldn’t both of them leave? Scratch question 2, then — the only reason Dazai would let himself get caught is if he had a reason to.

4. Fine then, last question, besides why come to Chuuya: how long should Chuuya wait for the stupid mackerel to show his face before he sucks it up and calls the Agency?

Hopefully, he won’t have to deal with the last question. Either Nakajima sobers up soon or Dazai escapes. It’s been a few years and Dazai’s gone weird and soft, but at the very least he should still be totally capable of escaping some stupid fucking kidnappers.

Chuuya should probably add who drugged them to his list of questions, but that’s not really his problem. With the story straight-enough in his head, he just needs to focus on getting Nakajima sober. By the state of the kid’s giant pupils and still-heaving breaths and incessant giggles every time he whispers Pingus to himself, it’ll be a while.

Babysitting duty. Ah, well — Chuuya’s used to babysitting duty, ever since Dazai fucked off and left the Akutugawa kids reeling and helpless. (Not that either of the kids would admit that’s what happened.) Dazai was always leaving him on babysitting duty.

Chuuya sighs, stands, retrieves a blanket. By this point Nakajima’s sunk back down onto the couch, holding a loaf of Pingus against his chest. “Rest up, weretiger,” Chuuya says, throwing the blanket over the both of them. He’ll wash all the viscera and shit off the blanket later.

Nakajima, covered up to his nose, blinks with those big, dual-colored eyes. With a little mrow, Pingus’s head pops out of the blanket and she starts nuzzling Nakajima’s cheek with his nose.

“Are you gonna tell Akutugawa I’m here?” Nakajima asks softly. It should be a question asked with fear, but it’s awfully bland — unafraid. Chuuya’s lips twitch.

“No,” Chuuya says, and heads into the kitchen.

Dazai used to do a lot of cocaine.

He probably doesn’t anymore. Or he’s really good at hiding it. Chuuya doesn’t imagine a cocaine habit would go over well with the detectives, and he doesn’t imagine Dazai could even hide something like that from the smart one. (From the others, he could definitely hide it. But not the super smart one.)

Chuuya’s done it a few times himself, but it’s never been his preference. The dignity of alcohol, the richness of it, and most of all the beauty of it — all those fine, expensive, aged bottles sitting on his shelves — has always appealed to him. But Dazai liked the way things like cocaine got him excited, amplified his mania. He liked uppers, from cigarettes to ritalin to coke, because they made him feel human.

Not that it’s cocaine, Nakajima’s got in him. It’s definitely not cocaine. It was probably ketamine or benzos, an attempt to make Nakajima all loopy and relaxed and weak. That’s not what happened, clearly. At least it’s not what happened immediately, because Nakajima had enough strength in him to escape an attacker. Must’ve been his ability slowing the drug.

It doesn’t matter. This is all to say that Chuuya has more than enough experience sobering himself and others up. He sets to work frying some eggs.

Nakajima’s not asleep; from the other room, Nakajima’s quiet voice wafts in, indistinguishable murmurs interspersed with giggles and Pingus’s mrows. At some point he starts humming a song which Chuuya has to strain his ears to hear. It’s a sweet, lilting melody — his brain fills in the lyrics instantly and his heart twists at the realization that it’s Dazai’s stupid song, can’t do a double suicide alone.

Chuuya slides the eggs off the pan with his spatula and sets them gently on the plate. Then he stops there, stares at the eggs, the shaking yolks. Thinks about being fifteen in Mori’s office, glaring at Dazai, the feeling in his gut that something horrible had changed in his life. Thinks about the stark red marks of Dazai’s hand on Akutugawa’s cheek. Thinks about childrens’ feet pattering softly down the halls of the Port Mafia’s safe houses and headquarters’ halls. Thinks about Nakajima, smiling at Dazai’s name, singing silly tunes Dazai taught him.

Toast pops out of the toaster. It’s a little burnt. Chuuya blinks and takes a breath that does not shake. He flicks on the radio — some public station playing soft jazz — and he can’t hear Nakajima anymore.

When Chuuya returns to the living room with two ham egg and cheese sandwiches, Nakajima pops fully up, although this time he holds Pingus to his chest so she doesn’t fall. The blanket falls, though, and it’s the same as it was before: the remains of a nice shirt falling over thin shoulders, drying brown blood splattering his stomach and chest and arms, his own fucking skin and flesh and fat stuck to him. Chuuya’s seen gore before — seen it a thousand times worse than this — but something about the sight has him keeping his eyes dutifully on Nakajima’s forehead.

Nakajima devours the sandwich in practically one bite, his jaw wider than it ought to be. Chuuya pretends not to be unnerved by this.

Once Nakajima has fully chewed his sandwich and patted his stomach and hummed his thanks, Chuuya asks, “Feel any better?”

The penthouse is cold. Chuuya likes it that way. But Nakajima shivers, pulling the blanket back up, tucking himself back down onto the couch. “A little,” he says, suddenly very childlike. As though he’s only just realized he’s cold (likely, considering what some drugs can do to one’s awareness of things like temperature), Nakajima curls more and more into himself on his side, pulling the blanket up his face. Ridiculous, that he’s on Chuuya’s couch right now. Ridiculous, that Chuuya doesn’t call Akutagawa. Fucking Dazai.

Chuuya stands abruptly. Nakajima blinks in response.

“Rest,” Chuuya says again, then promptly retreats to his bedroom.

Dazai is sprawled out on Chuuya’s bed, twisting the soft black covers beneath him, hair fanned out over the pillow. He’s got a few bruises on his cheek but there’s no blood, Chuuya recognizes first, then recognizes second that Dazai is on his fucking bed.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Chuuya says. Throws his hands up in the air, lets out a noise like a yell without any air — makes a scandalized face that Dazai only blinks at, throws his arms back down, then towards Dazai, into the air, then out, gesturing widely at the room around him. Every loose object in the room raises about a centimeter, drops, raises. “When the fuck did you get here!” He crosses the room in two long strides, pulls the lounging Dazai off the bed by his shoulders, and shakes him. “Your stupid kid is high out of his mind in the living room!”

Dazai groans, fake, squeezing his eyes shut. “Chuuya, Chuuya,” he whines, putting on a strange voice like a telenovela housewife, “Chuuya, my head is killing me!”

“You’ve done worse drugs,” Chuuya says, but he brings up a hand to start prying Dazai’s eyelids open and check his pupils. Yelping, Dazai bats him away, wiggles out of his grip, then rolls floppily onto the other side of the bed. He pats the space next to him in invitation.

“Fuck you,” Chuuya says.

Dazai just frowns.

The window is open, Chuuya realizes, a breeze fluttering the blackout curtains. This is somehow an even worse realization than finding Dazai on his bed, and Chuuya has to fully turn on his heel so he’s facing away from Dazai. He grabs his face in his hands, bounces on his heels once, twice, thrice. The idiot had either broken into the apartment below and climbed up to the penthouse or started from the roof and climbed down — either way, it’s so ridiculous and unnecessary that the thought of it gives Chuuya heart palpitations.

“You have a key to this apartment!” Chuuya hisses, although something about it feels like he shouldn’t say it out loud, like it’s an admittance. “Why would you-!”

Dazai hums in a way that tells Chuuya he won’t get an explanation. Either he’d done it for fun or done it because it was all part of some stupid plan or mind game or manipulation. Chuuya decided he didn’t care, because the more pressing question was—

“Why would you give that kid my address?” He steps forward so his knees are bumping the mattress.

Doe-eyed and innocent, Dazai stares up at him. “Why wouldn’t I?” He asks, “Chuuya is a good babysitter…”

“I’m going to kill you,” Chuuya says, but he doesn’t add his usual violence to it because he’s squinting at Dazai’s pupils. Blown pupils, but his cheeks are a normal warmth, he seems perfectly able to move himself around. No need for the damn narcan, which is a blessing, because Chuuya’s had to give Dazai narcan more times than he’d like in this lifetime.

Dazai pats the spot next to him again. Rolling his eyes, Chuuya acquiesces. Shoulder to shoulder, knee to knee; fifteen, twenty-two. They sit in quiet a moment, Dazai taking deep breaths Chuuya recognizes as an attempt to sober up. The summer breeze through the window adds a bit of warmth to the cold room. Nakajima is humming that tune again, loud enough to hear through a closed door. Chuuya closes his eyes.

“I escaped a little faster than I meant, but I got good information,” Dazai muses. When Chuuya glances over, an eyebrow raised, he waves his hand in dismissal. “Agency business.”

“Agency business,” Chuuya repeats flatly, “but you can send Nakajima here in the middle of it.” He’s indignant, even though an hour ago he said whoever drugged the two of them wasn’t his problem. It’s the principle of the matter — he can decide he doesn’t care. Dazai can’t decide that for him.

Yawning, Dazai scratches at his jaw. “I didn’t specifically send him here. I gave him your information a long time ago. You were closer than the Agency.” The drugs are making him a bit less playful, more direct than usual. His gaze is sort of lizard-like, unfocused on the wall opposite him. “Chuuya’s a good babysitter,” he repeats. Chuuya could vomit. He leans a bit away from Dazai, but Dazai just lifts one leg and settles it over Chuuya’s, holding him in contact.

They’re silent for a long moment, in which Nakajima begins to giggle, repeating Pingus to himself several times.

“What’re you doing with this kid?” Chuuya finally asks, glancing sidelong at Dazai.

There’s that Dazai smile. The actor one, the robot one, that reaches his eyes as though it’s clawing for them. “Does Chuuya have a soft spot?” he asks, leaning back into Chuuya’s space, chin hitting Chuuya’s shoulder. He whines when Chuuya plants a hand on his face and pushes him off. With the momentum he falls over himself so that he’s become a ball on Chuuya’s bed, moaning about how mean and awful and cruel Chuuya is.

“No,” Chuuya bites, “I just wanna know what you’re planning in your stupid mackerel brain.”

Said mackerel doesn’t respond for a while. Chuuya is reaching out to jostle him when he realizes the rise and fall of his back is real, actual sleep, and his hand stops in the air.

“Damn it,” he says, but it’s a quiet mutter. Out in the living room, Nakajima’s quieted, too.

He stands. Goes into the living room. Stares at the now-sleeping kid for a long moment. In sleep he’s serene, cheeks thin but still childlike, face still all smooth like an artist had just gone over the clay of him with her thumbs. Pingus curls under his chin. All sweet, except for the brown-red on Nakajima’s jaw, resting against Pingus’s dark fur.

Chuuya crosses into the kitchen, sits heavy in a chair, and considers. Considers — all of the safe houses Dazai could have sent Nakajima off to. Considers that stupid tune Nakajima and Dazai seem to love, and the edge to both their smiles, and the vigor with which Akutugawa and Nakajima hate each other. Considers how a man was dead, and how he probably deserved to die, but it had been a desperate, drugged eighteen year-old on a job who’d done it. Considers Chuuya’s a good babysitter, and tea with the Akutugawas, and Nakajima’s braces. He comes to no satisfactory conclusions.

[londonhalcyon]

Sevika????? The old enforcers general??? I can't think of any other fem character that isn't considered a main one??? Unless Babette?

Ohhh, you might be disappointed to learn just how vanilla I am.

To be fair, I do like several different types of characters; this just happens to be one of the most prominent ones.

Arcane Season 2, Act 1 spoilers below the cut—plus a body horror jumpscare and a loooong essay on the inner workings of my mind.

It’s Elora! Who kinda might be already very dead by the start of the next act.

If you’ve seen how I write Kathy in The Mad Witch or Ellie in my Fallout 4 fics—or even just how I adore characters like Effie Perine from The Maltese Falcon—you might be able to guess how much I love the “keen-eyed assistant with a witty sense of humor” kind of character. The ones who are present for major events but stand off to the side, not directly involved but certainly observing.

I liked Elora well enough in Season 1. We aren’t given too much about her, but Arcane is brilliant at sneaking in small details—enough to make me go, “Huh! What’s going on with you?” From context, we’re able to tell:

While Elora is Mel’s assistant, they have a really friendly relationship that appears grounded in loyalty and trust, which is fascinating considering the whole political chess game always going on.

It’s highly likely Elora followed Mel into exile from Noxus, which raises a whole host of questions about any life she may have left behind.

It’s possible Elora may be required to report on Mel to Ambessa. She definitely handles communications with her. Though, if this is the case, she seems loyal to Mel first.

So Season 1 got me idly asking questions, but my general reaction was still, “Cool! Fun background character!”

Now we have Act 1 of Season 2. Y’all…the show can’t do this to me. It’s not fair.

In like two minutes of screen time we get confirmation that Elora does serve as a sort of spymaster for Mel—and the girl is stressed. She seems almost distraught that Mel had to seek information from another source, that she can’t work out what Ambessa is planning. And that reaction caught me off guard? Like, hold on, now I really want to know what’s going on with you.

Only then they’re immediately attacked by the Black Rose and as I’m internally screaming, “Nononono, don’t you dare, don’t you dare,” Elora is doing a horror movie turn towards the camera in tears as roses grow out of her face and you can’t do this to me—you can’t get me asking questions about a character and then threaten to kill that character off a minute later.

So, I foresee one of three things happening next:

The roses killed her, meaning she’ll be dead at the start of the next act,

She survives, at least for a minute, or

She’s actually a double agent and her anxiety was either a deception or because she knew what was about to happen.

But I do trust Arcane’s writers. Even minor character deaths have a tendency to haunt the narrative, so I’m very curious what effect there will be if she does die. Depending on what happens, though, I might have to write something just to give myself closure, because I have already spent way too much time thinking about a character who stands in the background for most of the show.

[randomgentlefolk]

CPC CHAPTER 167

YO PROPS TO WITCH!!!

Hm, I wonder how Leelathae writes in her diary? I mean, does she write them in just dialogue, or narrative, or what? Either she is writes in dialogue, or she described the witch pretty well for Gwen to recognize who the witch is.

I mean, I didn't expect these ingredients, but sure. Does this imply there's a cemetery near The Pastel Kingdom? Cause Leelathae isn't allowed to be far from home, right? And I doubt she would ask someone to get dirt from cemetery for her...

I wonder what Leelathae plan was? Cause she didn't get the chance to execute it since her portrait was stolen by Leland. Or maybe she did execute it while in the Plaid Kingdom?

I agree with the witch so much. The painters fr did Leelathae dirty 💀

THE WITCH WASN'T LYING. SHE DOES LOOK COOL AF. LIKE. BRO?? HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO FALL IN LOVE.

Huh. How does the ingredient turn into a paint-like liquid?? None of the ingredients are liquid based. Maybe the dirt?

This whole spell thing is sick man. It's so dang cool!! I wonder if anyone notices Leelathae sparkling?? I mean, one of the maids has got to notice right?

Also I've never knew there's tea inside snickerdoodles (chai is tea, right?). Well, it's not like I've ever tried snickerdoodles, but last time I read the recipe, I don't remember tea being in the recipe. But that was years ago so it might just be my memory.

Well, the mystery of the portrait is finally solved! And yet there's another mystery.. what writing did Leelathae put behind her portrait? Yes, the diary is one of them, but there are other things too. Like those brown and green papers. I'm guessing it's a message toward her kids?

Ohh, that's why!! Leelathae was glowy because of the spell!

BRUH SO WAS IT LIKE, A MISUNDERSTANDING THIS WHOLE TIME?? I did kinda predict it in my really old post, but I was joking T_T

Something's kinda bothering me about what Leelathae said in her 3rd wish. Why is she only talking about her daughters? What about Jamie? Or is there a hidden meaning that I am not getting here? If someone would enlighten me, that would be nice.

Aw. It's actually pretty sweet when you think about how they didn't even know how to speak to each other at first, but they still fell in love with each other <3

Oh. Oohhh....okay. This doesn't justify what Leland is doing right now, but it sure give a big reason for it. Yikes. Damn. That must've hurt.

Okay okay, let me just remember the past episodes to realize all the causes here.

Leland's parents died due to tragic carriage accident (didn't a carriage accident happen more than once? Tho I can't remember to who besides Leland's parents)

His best friend, Jack, didn't arrive to Leland's parents' funeral, which is the moment he needed him the most (not Jack's fault though, since he was literally stranded in an island)

Leland obviously has a little crush on Jack, which is why it hurts him when he found out Jack brought Leelathae to Pastel Kingdom (again, not Jack's fault). I think this is where he jealousy starts, the point where Leland thinks he has to be better at every love things than Jack.

He overheard Jack saying he didn't need him, which is probably the nail in the coffin for Leland. I mean that monologue Leland has? That's kinda internal mental breakdown right there. (I gotta say, this scenario is kindaaa similar to Gwen overhearing Frederick calls her ugly. I wouldn't say it's the exact same thing of course. It's just the overhearing that makes it similar)

So! Looking at these 4 reasons, it is highly likely that Leland has some problems (no shit sherlock). HEAR ME OUT. I don't know what it is yet. I was thinking of abandonment issues, but I have yet to read much about it, so i'm not sure yet.

HAH! Glad Leelathae decided to haunt his dreams tho!

OH SHIT OH SHIT. NAH LELAND NAHHHH. HE BETTER NOT. ....well at the time i'm writing this the next episode is already out so.. guess we're gonna find out...IN THE NEXT REVIEW!!

Yeah I haven't read the episode yet lol. I bet it's gonna be chaotic though.

That's it for now, until next time.

Mono out! (But still in to hear your thoughts)

[gerapitico]

So many people are talking about how disappointed they are in the season. I came out with the opposite feeling, and here's some reasons why: (cut because I wrote . . . 9 paragraphs on my phone about this . . . That's a lot huh)

Claire: So many people hate the presence of Claire this season and the lack of resolution. But I think it's no coincidence that the Faks spend the first half of the season establishing haunting and then make Carmy label Claire as his haunting (one of many). She haunts the story because everyone in the show expects something from her and Carmy, and they aren't getting it.

No forward progress: the first and second season deal with moving forward, at a break neck pace, regardless of the consequences. This season shows the consequences. No one grows, because The Bear, with Carmy's non-negotiables at the head, doesn't allow for growth. Everyone is stuck in the past, and some get to move through that, and others get even more stuck.

Vignettes and disconnect: the main through line is about pursuing excellence according to Carmy at The Bear. But there are a full 3 episodes fully out of step of that plot (potentially 5 if you include the last two episodes). 2 are out of time as well, with Tomorrow showing Carmy's education in kitchens, and Napkins showing how Tina ended up at The Beef. And Ice Chips is all about motherhood and breaking cycles of abuse. It's a season of disconnect, and you can take that many ways. A lot of people are talking it as bad writing, and as the showrunners fumbling the ball. I think managing a season with emotional beats and consistent themes in a non-linear narrative is so incredibly hard, and they hit so many amazing beats.

POC: I cannot speak to this, but the arguments I've seen are some of the only criticism I've agreed with in the season.

SydCarmy: yall, I've had my heart broken by ships far to many times to look at this reaction as anything more than pearl clutching. I saw how people reacted with Ted Lasso. I was here for the last season of Supernatural. So yes, I think their dynamic is cute. I also think they both have chemistry with other people, and that this season shows that they cannot work in the situation they are in now. People have complained about them losing their ASL sign, but neither of them are apologizing for anything to each other this season, so when would they even use it? Carmy used it a little at the end of last season, but Syd had totally stopped, and now so had he. Sydney is incapable of making a life changing decision (which oof, been there) and Carmy literally cannot think externally to himself. They are SO bad for each other even as friends right now, and they don't feel like end game. I know I do this too, but despite having platonic friends in my real life who I'm super close to, when I see it in fiction, I immediately see romance. And I'm working on that, because you know what I want here so so bad in season 4? Sydney and Carmen to have identities apart from each other, that can combine in a relationship (honestly I'd prefer platonic at this point) where they call each other out and support each other in healthy ways. Neither are there right now (though Sydney is WAY closer).

In all:

Some people are giving bad reviews, and I came away loving it. I hoped when I looked at the tags, I would find people excited, talking about the first episode and how it put them in a frantic trance, or how poignant it was seeing Donna sitting with the Faks while her grand daughter was born. Or maybe how with all the extreme close-ups this season, you still feel distant from the characters, because they refuse to communicate (a thing I also do and know a bunch of people that do!!!!)

A show is not a failure of storytelling if the characters don't change or develop. Sometimes the story is about being stuck, and not having a way out. Sometimes it's about the people in your life having huge, life changing events (death in the family, birth of a child, wedding of a co-parent) and being completely unable to be a part of it. And sometimes a story is messy and disconnected and cruel. Sometimes there aren't happy endings, and people do things you don't expect. That's life.

I haven't felt connect to a show in this kind of way in a long time. I got emotional from something that was said or done, or even a shot on screen, in every episode. And it was cathartic, watching a funeral where the kid didn't cry, seeing a panic attack at a party, and seeing a mother and daughter bond over something I will probably never bond with my mother over.

And there are other things I could mention, or talk about at length, but it won't change anything. It won't change people disliking the season, or dismissing it. It won't change the awe I had at chefs taking about their trade, or pea pods being cleaned, or the cinematography of the only title sequence they did all season. It won't change my want for the story to continue. But at least I got my thoughts out, so it's not stuck in me, like the apologies stuck in Carmen's throat, or the decision stuck in Sydney's head.

[1moreff-creator]

How would you rank potential culprits in terms of both likeliness & how satisfying they would be to you personally?

Hmm… Well, I kinda answered likelihood in my EP 13 theory revision, but I’ll go more in detail here. And personal satisfaction is definitely an interesting question, so thanks for the ask!

Likelihood

MonoTV/Arei/Xander/Min/Teruko/Mai (in no particular order): All impossible for one reason or another.

Charles: Effectively impossible too.

David-Veronika-J (in that order): Alibis. Also David and Veronika have plenty of reasons why it wouldn’t make sense for them to be the murderer, but mainly it’s the alibi thing.

Levi: You don’t go that hard in EP 13 and then, just… be the killer. This one’s mostly vibes btw.

Nico-Hu: I greatly respect Hu!Culprit truthers, but I don’t think it’s a very likely theory. Both Nico and Hu have a few reasons why I can’t quite see them as the culprit, but the main reason they’re this low is that I currently have no reason to doubt their alibi.

Rose: Kinda narratively protected by the fact she has to back up Teruko’s claim that the tape disappeared from the gym before the lockdown. If she’s the killer we could actually be cooked on that front.

Arturo: Only other person who’s confirmed to know about Arei and Eden’s conversation about his secret, but there are quite a few issues with this idea.

Whit: I really don’t know why he knew Charles had no nighttime alibi, which is the main reason he’s this high. Also, because if someone asked Eden for the tape, it would be Mr “Hey David go to the relax room” himself. Plus, the ball of clothes could be held together by glue from his stationary and I think that’s the funniest possible way that particular mystery gets solved.

But, you know the drill, none of the previous characters could have taken the tape. And because I think it’s weird to think anyone asked Eden for the tape (she was in the dress-up room and seemed to already be heading out of the second floor without ever going to the gym, so clearly she didn’t go down there expecting to get the tape, meaning grabbing it was a spur of the moment decision and not the result of a request), and Ace has even bigger issues, so…

Ace in number two, Eden number one. Already went into detail as to why in the previously linked EP 13 theory revision.

Personal Satisfaction

(Obvious disclaimer that this is an entirely self-indulgent list, if anyone reading this makes one they are going to differ drastically and that’s cool, also I will respect the dev’s decision no matter if I personally dislike it because art is subjective and I also can’t actually know how much I would like something until I see it executed etc etc)

MonoTV/Arei/Xander/Min/Mai: Yeah I’d be kinda miffed if the culprit is someone that should be completely impossible from what we know.

Teruko: I want the main character to be the main character. Teruko’s genuinely fascinating and I’d hate to see her go this early, especially when I see no indication she actually did this.

Veronika: They already took my favorite character by executing Min, please don’t take my second favorite too D:

David: This motherfucker’s MV haunted me for months I am not letting him die this early.

Levi: Wow CH 13 really changed my perspective on this guy huh? But yeah, it’d just be weird for him to be the killer now after All That.

Nico: I think it’d be really interesting to explore how the cast would navigate having an attempted murderer around, so I’d be disappointed if they die here.

Charles: The trial is just going to read insanely weirdly if he’s, by a miracle of God, the killer. I don’t see a way to make him be this useful and still explain that he’s the killer somehow.

Hu: You can’t make her go that hard on CH 12, set up an interesting foil with Veronika through their secrets, set up an interesting dynamic with both David and Nico after having her trust in them shattered, and then just kill her off without leaving me a little bit disappointed.

Whit: Making him die before Charles just feels like a bit of a wasted opportunity imo, though of course I’ll respect the decision if it happens.

J: Lots of her trial lines would read weird. Also, she’s my first survivor pick after Teruko and I believe she will become the primary support character after Charles gets poisoned with strychnine in CH 3. You will get no elaboration on that, but just know I like the idea, and while I will perfectly understand and accept if that’s not the way the story goes, in terms of personal satisfaction, it would sting a bit.

Rose: I just feel like her character has more to offer, you know? This one’s very vibe based tbf.

Ace: Unlike the previous options, I think I can kinda imagine a world where Ace!Culprit is genuinely a good send-off to his character. I feel like his character still has more to offer and he doesn’t quite thematically fit the chapter, though.

Arturo: The exact same situation as Ace, except now we don’t have to deal with Arturo bothering J during CH3, and that’s a plus on my book. I’m intrigued by his character, but the same can be said about literally every other DRDT character, and the end of the trial is as good a time as any to offer all the answers we still need about him.

Eden: It probably shouldn’t surprise you that, after an entire year of subscribing to the theory, I’ve grown attached to Eden!Culprit from a narrative standpoint. Even though I actually didn’t like it at first, I think there are ways to make Eden a genuinely compelling culprit to a degree I don’t think is there in the other characters.

I believe the inevitable End of Trial Trauma Dump could close out her character in a satisfying way, explaining both motive and mindset; she fits the theme of the chapter better, since her being the blackened would prove what Arei came to believe about there being no such thing as an Ideally Good Person; it would allow for a lot of development (negative development mind you, which I love to see) of other characters; it would serve to start the Second Act Low-point at CH 3; and, well, I’d have been right. This is personal satisfaction, so it’d be silly to ignore that fact.

Anyways, that was pretty fun! Thanks for the ask!

[modrntravlr]

THOUGHTS AND NOTES ON DOCTOR WHO S1x01 and S1x02

(i don’t actually think it’s season one) spoilers below the cut obvi

- so the doctor just knows he’s in a tv show then, huh? and also this whole time, he’s just been hearing murray gold when we do? love that for him tbh

- so many parallels between rose and nine’s first trip and ruby and fifteen, it breaks my timepetals heart. watching the earth from above while he modifies her phone. sobbing

- saxon theme. saxon theme. saxon theme. saxon theme. saxon theme. saxon theme.

- mclennon rights. so real.

- hearing nph’s fuckass arpeggio giggle gave me war flashbacks

- ncuti gatwa i love you

- the doctor just being an absolute bleeding heart is so jarringly wild but i’m so happy for him

-

- space babies was so…?? not bad just felt like we may have lost the plot for a second

- also, what did the scan say?!!?

- still hoping the jukebox will just randomly start playing britney or soft cell at some point

- so much sapphic rep, amen

- i truly do see rose tyler level narrative haunting potential in ruby

- and all of this is not to say i think she’s a carbon copy cut and paste of rose, i think she’s really great and definitely has her own thing going for her that i can’t wait to see be explored more

- and ncuti?? literally born to play this role!

[arigatonamuse]

began re-reading the prologue and i'm having so many emotions already

i'm kinda obsessed with how Citron got the most verbose "i wanna bloom" line in the localisation

i love that we can see the seed of God-za not being that good of a community being planted just from the conversation after the street act

this was actually so fucked up from Izumi's mum, i think we don't talk about that enough

BACKHOE!

Sakyo mentions that Mankai did still put on plays and i'm so curious about those Did Matsukawa act in them? Was Kamekichi monologuing through them all? how tf did those work i need to know now

Kodai's voice acting was on point for the awkwardness and stiffness of being a first time actor, you can hear him trying to feel his place in it all and i love it

also, even though she's not the director yet, i love that you can see that Izumi already has the director brain in her like sure, they imposed that role on her, but it's also just something she was naturally doing inside her head already

do you think Sakyo was also thinking about himself and how he doesn't deserve to be in theatre with this line? because i am now thinking about it and i'm emo something something no matter how hard he works, he won't be "worthy" of the company or the stage (in his mind)

Yukio was truly haunting the narrative at this point

i love that you can tell from the start that both Matsukawa and Sakyo love Mankai, but while Matsukawa's holding on and wants it back, Sakyo doesn't want its legacy to be tainted (which, now that i think about it, reflects his hopelessness about himself as a person, and woah it's only when he dares to start having hope about Mankai that he dares have some hope for himself in this essay i will-)

genuinely confused about why Matsukawa didn't think about renting the theatre for other troupes to help with the debt a lil

it's funny now when Sakyo brings up the costs of the dorm because sir- sir a random old man (joking) has been paying for the services there for years do you mean the debt could've been way worse had they not had help from Syu?

Sir, you are a tsundere

i love how Sakyo KNOWS Izumi's bluffing but he still gives her a chance, a small window of time but still man wants to have hope despite his prickliness and general attitude at the point

y'know i was shocked when i first learnt about Matsukawa's age but re reading this... yeah this man is definitely in his mid to late 20s

not to sound like Tsuzuru but honestly if a rando offered me a room AND two meals a day in exchange for joining their theatre, i'd do it without hesitation (joking)

Izumi's acting is so endearing, i actually can understand why Massu liked it

("so, Cam, what you're saying is that you'd be the perfect person to rope into Mankai?" honestly, yeah i would be)

Matsukawa really said "we die like men" huh?

now that i've warmed up to Massu, his looking for reassurance during the first street act is actually kinda cute to me

Masumi, she's just getting warmed up, wait til Winter troupe comes around

Matsukawa is actually such a mood

[wabisabireiki]

How deep is your pleasure

Inspired exploration by Sabrina Lynn's work. (Find her on youtube, IG, Facebook, etc.). I also listened to Ethereal Astrology, Brittany (also on youtube) while I wrote this to remind myself of the sensations I've been processing.

Full Moon Lunar eclipse in Pisces + Venus opposing Chiron

A lot of resistance is coming up for me around expression. I have had several epiphanies about being addicted to self healing and having the realization that the brain will create whatever you focus on.

Personally doing ( physical action) anything has been very difficult. My mind wants to be terribly distracted. I am also seeing how much I am addicted to consuming: food, content, information, education, well being, style, fashion, aesthetics, the list goes on and on.

Even given that, I do feel a need to move something out of me- like these thoughts. I have been becoming aware of an old, ingrained, conditioned mindset ( solidifying more the last 3 months) that has been the imaginary chains I've had on myself for probably my whole life. This is so interesting as I have been digesting a lot of Jung's work on the anima/animus. This has provided a lot of experiential context in relation to myself in my relationships. The invisible chains being certain thoughts, feelings ( as sensations) and emotions.

For me this was identified as Jung's animus- the masculine partner a woman has that is the unconscious aspect of her mind, if she is unaware of it. I do believe that because of my experience with parts work ( IFS) and my own previous education through polarity consciousness in spiritual circles ( an actual somatic class I took with Jennifer Joseph, naturalmagics on instagram) I already had a bit of an awareness to him. I had conceived some ideas of him like going through someone's belongings in their house and making up narratives of what they might be like. The belongings, one could say, made me believe perhaps more than one masculine being resided there. I went down a rabbit hole and should write the story of Cowboy and Shaman someday.

Of course being abstract concepts of our mind, they are not actual people. Though I could see their projections in my life in different people I'd known at one point or another. Now, according to Jung, if the animus is maladapted he actually has his own anima ( which makes sense to me now, why cowboy was Gay & why he was kinda evil). These figures seem to be going through a transformation process with the awareness I've gleaned about them. Like the tail end of THE dragon. Careful now, you know what they say about chasing THE dragon.

Anyhow, He (my animus) seems to be getting clearer... almost like he's still a ghost haunting ( more like a scuddle these days) the house but he goes in and out of being something more jello-like than ether and even though he's still wearing a sheet around- I am very aware of him. Perhaps his speech is less OOOOooooooooh like and more coherent as grunts and uh huhs and mmm's. Far less cryptic, not scary and mostly frustrating if not comical or annoying.

Which brings me to Sabrina's prompt about pleasure. Imagine not being able to interface with your lover in a way that was pleasant? Just thoughts and ideas about what that should look like, and then using stand in's to kill time, subs to get experience? Not understanding your animus is like playing charades with someone from another planet. You don't speak the same language, cannot translate, you have no context, and you have no way to relate. This of course will not stop anyone from existing, it just makes your inner workings complicated, confusing, conflicted, and hard to understand. From that point of view it is difficult to allow pleasure to be alive in your life. Some aspect of you is always on the defensive for how you will mishandle it, because historically denying it is all you have done. Painful, suffering, uncomfortable existence, anxiety are normal. Which makes sense to me why addiction to substance is so palpable. To finally get some pleasure through immobilizing those deafening, defensive rigid parts, just long enough to have some relief in pleasure... makes too much sense. I did that a lot in my life.

So now, knowing the jello-ghost animus is on his way to have a Beauty and the Beast like transformation is quite exciting. I'm still reading up on how it works ( which is why he's in a chrysalis stage).

Looking more at exploring aspects of pleasure for myself and being able to dialogue with him looks like it will take some time. But can't help but imagine my own little Helen Keller genius making waves soon.

Visual meditation:

In the middle of writing this I did a 10 min heart centered meditation because I felt compelled to for some time and saw a corridor between a narrow stretch in a mountain like chasm. The ground was covered in a soft spongey moss and I was barefoot. As I moved forward I couldn't see anything in front of me, it was all thick mist. A few yards in and I start seeing colors peeking through of different colorful flowering plants. I walk past dense flowering blooms and looked down when I noticed the ground seemed to be more wet. Blood, intermixed with water covering the moss.

Moving forward it appears there is what looks like body parts of something strewn about. The mist is receding to reveal a vast field. It looks like a war has just occurred, but is over now. A river is rushing ahead and it is clearing this field of the blood and parts. I also see being's I don't have descriptions for... they seem to be ever changing in shape of creatures I do not recognize. It also appears these are what was in parts in the bloodied field. They are also carrying off the parts; like ants away from the field. I watch them. Very quickly they seem to be building structures. A tree house structure forms ahead of me, they build other tree/vine like bridges and other structures near the river... I move towards it with feelings of excitement and well being. The meditation ends*

[liquidstar]

WHAOG ROUND 5 WAS COOL it didnt go the way i expected it to but thats awesome actually. mizi snapping and beating the shit out of luka was great #girlpower. but at the end before she gets killed, somekind of resistance comes and saves her? and hyuna is in it!! finally her first real appearance... i feel like any predictions i had before go out the window lol. i wonder if we're still going to get ivan v till though bc i wanna see that. and i wonder if that also goes "wrong", and neither of them dies... then sua was the only one out of the main cast to die in a contest proper? i think that makes sense for why she was on so much promo art then, because shes the "haunting the narrative" character....

also round 4 WAS skipped over, we didnt see it. it goes straight from round 3 to round 5, we just get the outcome at the beginning w luka kissing the hand of his (dead) competitor. at first i thought this might be a romantic gesture, another case of a tragic love story (like sua/mizi, mizi/till. till/ivan) but after seeing how downright manipulative he was with mizi, im wondering if maybe it was more gloating than it seemed...

ALSO THE SONG WAS GOOD AS USUAL. i loved it so much. but thats so par for the course w the alien stage songs, theyre all awesome. AND THE VISUALS esp with the way mizi's eyes were overlaid w thoughts and memories of sua... they were so cool and also so sad. so much of this is about her grief huh... thank you vivinos for reminding us that youre THE Sad Lesbian Horror Channel lol

[mirror-ralsei]

MINI THEORY: Ice Palace Victims and Why Dragon Blazers Is Haunted

Dragon Blazers is a game likely cursed by a wizard. Really.

Noelle: “Normally one of the characters is supposed to guide you through the maze. But it became one of the most famous (or should I say infamous... XP) parts of the game because if you go there without that character, you’ll basically get stuck.. FOREVER. The developers actually say something about this in the manual... It warns you this glitch is actually “one of the bad guy’s magic spells”... Yeah XD... Sorry guys, I think you were just eating a little too much fruitcake when making this part of the game. XP”

The narrative framing of Noelle being overly dismissive of the "bad guy's magic spell" idea suggests this is the truth

There may already be characters "stuck forever" in the Ice Palace.

Snowdrake’s mother Crystal may have “fallen down” before dying.

Snowdrake's mother has a gravestone in Deltarune, and her cause of death in Undertale would have been "falling down" before being kept alive as an amalgamate

A boss Noelle and Rudy have never seen before, “Silver Drake,” appears in Dragon Blazers as the Ice Palace boss.

Noelle: ““Silver Drake?” I’ve never beaten this boss before...” (Normal Route)

Rudy: “Silver Drake, huh? That’s a new one. Alright, what’s the plan, honey?” (Weird Route)

Rudy: “Ice on the Ice Palace boss?”

It may be that Silver Drake is Crystal in some form.

“Silver Drake” sounds very similar to “Snowdrake” and “Chilldrake.”

Rudy thinks ice won’t be effective against the Ice Palace boss, but fire will, implying it’s an ice-themed enemy; Snowdrake’s family is ice-themed

Unless Dragon Blazers III is a new game that revisits the Ice Palace, or Noelle’s blog entries are from another timeline, then Noelle has replayed the Ice Palace many times since childhood

Despite this, Silver Drake is new to both her and Rudy, which could imply it suddenly appeared in the game

Rudy may “fall down” into Dragon Blazers as well.

Rudy is very ill and likely to "fall down"

The Ice Palace may have something to do with the FreezeRing, as both keep people "frozen" inside forever.

FreezeRing description: "A ring with a snowglobe on it. ...is that someone inside?"

Spamton Value Network (non-canon, but has alluded to canon events): "I didn't spend years inside the ring for nothing! YEARS inside the ring. YEARS inside the ring. YEARS inside the ring! So much pain, and that's value."

Spamton and a "famous genius" - possibly Gaster - may have been trapped in the Ice Palace before.

Spamton: "AND NOW I'M [frozen in there] WITH SOME STUPID [Famous Genius] I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF"

Spamton: "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M [trapped together in one room, and the door won't open until they]"

Spamton mentioning being trapped with someone behind a door that won't open "until they" seems similar to Noelle's description of the locked Ice Palace door

If the "Famous Genius" is the same person Spamton is trapped in a room with, then Spamton was also "frozen" there, further implying an Ice Palace connection

Berdly may also appear in the Ice Palace in some form.

If Berdly's fate after the Weird Route is to have "fallen down" before dying, then he may join the ranks of those trapped in the Ice Palace

If the main cast visit the Ice Palace and encounter enemy Rudy, Susie will try to use her healing magic to “revive” him.

Noelle: “I wish I knew healing magic in real life. Then I’d make you better and...”

Toby Fox mentioning a character in the upcoming Chapter 2 using healing magic who isn’t very good at it “yet” - as of Chapter 2's release, the character turned out to be Susie, and she still isn't good at it, implying she may get better in the future

If she is successful, maybe other characters can be rescued from the Ice Palace in a similar way.

(Screenshot credit)

[lakemichigans]

tlou episode 9 thoughts!!

- I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I'M SO HAPPYYYY this has always been my favorite theory for why ellie is immune and it also means that, however unlikely, there actually could be other immune people out there. it wouldn't benefit the narrative to meet any other immune people yet, but in the future...? like a third game...?

- baby ellie just popped right out huh fksjfkd i guess the quickest way to speed up labor is to kill a zombie

- hearing ashley johnson's voice, especially hearing her use her sweet baby voice brought me to tears immediately

- joel seems a lot more aware & understanding of why ellie is so checked out, but still tries to cheer her up. in the game he's well-meaning but pretty much clueless. i like this change!!

- the giraffe scene was perfect, 10/10, no notes

- "i'll follow you wherever you go" 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

- i'm a fucking mess because of that conversation by the medical tents, that was an incredible moment to add and i wasn't expecting it at all. the look on ellie's face when she realizes that it's her, she's the one that "healed all wounds"

- no sarah photograph? :(

- "we didn't tell her, we didn't cause her any fear" FUCK! that's the problem!!! the problem is that ellie would die for the cure if you gave her the option, but you were too chicken shit to tell her the truth! everyone in this room has their own (selfish) motivations and no one is thinking about ellie, not really, not even joel. IT MAKES ME CRAZY AHHHHH YOU'RE ALL COWARDS

- the hospital shootout was everything i wanted and so much more. joel found his reason to live and god help him, he'll fight for it -- no matter how many lives he needs to take to get there. it was so intense and the music was beautiful and it was just gory enough to make you feel the weight of the brutality without feeling like it's a cheesy slasher. also loved how many times joel reloading or switched guns. and his dead eyes throughout the whole scene are haunting

- wow, killing jerry happened so damn fast!! in the game, you can stand in front of him forever and he'll just keep pointing his knife at you (and in the remake he pleads with joel, "this is our future, think of all the lives she'll save.") but i love the decision to shoot him in the blink of an eye. joel is beyond caring about anything other than ELLIE ELLIE ELLIE. i do like that he doesn't kill the nurses though, because it's a purely practical mission: save ellie. everyone else is just in the way.

- no abby sighting? :( i really thought there would be one :(

- i'm a little bummed that the themes were spelled out so specifically by marlene and joel's last conversation, but eh, whatever. TV audiences tend to need things spelled out clearer lol. i'm a little surprised they took out the line "how long until she's torn apart by a pack of clickers? that is, if she hasn't been raped and murdered first". considering what happened last episode, i felt that line would ring more true than ever. kinda underwhelmed by this confrontation tbh, which is sad because it's so pivotal

- ohhhh god he expanded upon the lie 😭 that hurt so much worse. i'm devastated for ellie

- joel talking about sarah felt more painful than i previously thought possible. also adorable how he doesn't want to offend ellie by calling her "not girly" ajfjsjfksj

- maybe i'm just blinded by my love for the game, but i don't like any of the dialogue they changed in the final scene. joel's original speech is SO poignant and perfect but i didn't get the same emotion from this one. and there was no glance at his watch :( i would've preferred keeping riley's fate vague (we already knew anyway), because "i'm still waiting for my turn" is so much more emotional to me. ugh. i'm a little peeved they changed so much about this scene that has long been considered as close to perfect as possible :(

- i don't want to end on a bad note so let me just say that the entire experience of watching this show has been incredible beyond words. seeing a game i love so much be treated with care and passion, opening up a whole new world for people who never would have known about it before this... it's just amazing. i'm so grateful that this show exists and feels like a love letter to the fans rather than a cash grab. it's so damn beautiful

[astorythatwritesitself]

Mass answers!

for @aceghosts @mxanigel and @teamdilf !

A: Of the fanfic you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?

At the moment? Honestly... Same Difference is the one I actually like going and reading the most. Irikah's been a fascinatring character to me since the beginning, and I've already been cobbling a little sorta roleswap AU where she's the assassin picked up in ME2 instead of Thane, so that exercise in the server wound up being a really fun sort of... 'origin' for it, and a great way to work more with a character who'd only been haunting the narrative before.

E: What character do you identify with most?  Is there a certain fic of yours that captures these qualities particularly well?

-loud shrug- I project like a motherfucker on everyone at all times, so.

J:  What’s your favorite fanfic trope?  Have you written it?

Oh I am a slut for whump and it's almost exclusively what I write 😂

L:  Which of your fanfics was the most emotionally challenging to write?

Of the extant ones... eh, honestly, all of them are about equal? This Is Fine might have been the 'most' since it's a very anxious mindset?

Q: Do you like getting prompts from your readers?

Oh god yes - I am constantly pulled in a billion directions, so anything that helps narrow focus is great, even if all it accomplishes is 'ehhh turns out I don't wanna do this'.

U: Is there a pairing you would like to write, but haven’t tried yet.

My main Hellsing ships tbh, particularly Yumikel, though I do want to give Alutegra a shot sometime too - I have like. Ideas! But Hellsing is a beast to match tone for, so backburner and constant ramblings it is.

V: Are there certain comments you’ve received on your stories that have stuck with you?

A few! Particularly on a couple of my pieces with Thane & that GLaDOS monologue fic - more than one person said I nailed the voices, which is honestly something I crave hearing when I'm writing fic lol. Like - hearing anything else is good is nice, of course, but my biggest turn-off for fic is a character just not feeling Right (not synonymous with canon-compliance, more the. 'He Would Not Fucking Say That, Nor Have You Adequetely Gotten Him Into The Situation To Say That' vibes?), so. It's always a delight getting a good grade in writing the blorbo xD

Y: What are your thoughts on your personal satisfaction with something you’ve written vs. the popularity of your stories?  Do you tend to be most satisfied with your most popular stories?  

... I'll be real here like I'm Fucking Trying but I uh.

I'm like. Never actually satisfied with my writing 😂 Like I'll get to a point where I Am Okay With It, and there's bits I do like to share, but the imposter syndrome is still very real, very loud, and to this day the furthest I've gotten is an 'okay I don't want to throw myself into the sea if somebody Percieves this'.

That said I am a little surprised Data Decay got such a strong response, since I fired it off literally over a lunch break at work. Like - I'm pretty satisfied with it, but. Huh xD

Z: Is there a story you’ve written that doesn’t seem to get much love?

is it whining to say 'most of them' lmao - very little since the SU fic days gets beyond like 40 hits, but what can you do?

That said goddamn it I actually really like the general vibe of Broken Faith and while I haven't done the deepest of dives, I've been in this fandom for like 12-14 years and have seen so little fleshing out Thane's history let alone the drell at all-