#she's fkn hysterical

[the-cookie-of-doom]

I love my professor. At the end of a clinical shift, I asked her if condition A was the same as condition B. They had different names, but so far as I could tell, did the exact same thing? Confusion??

And this woman.

This horrible, evil, hilarious woman.

Looked at me. Laughed. And went no they're different, I'll look into it, it's some lab value that makes them different.

She didn't even have to tell me to look it up myself, bc she knew I would.

I was up until 10pm! Researching that shit!! My friend (in the same clinical) war texting me, debating about the stupid thing!!!

And mother fucker, I was right from the start. They are the same.

Next time I had class with that prof I told her, and she started cracking tf up bc she was purposefully messing with me T_T She was like "Look it was a long day, and I was bored, and now you'll never forget!" You're right, ma'am. I'll never forget, and I'll never forgive.

[gale-dekarios]

bren slept with lae'zel, kissed wyll, and banged astarion all in the span of two nights meanwhile my poor fkn sister suki (played by my friend in our co-op) got rejected by karlach, and then everyone else 😭

[acourtofthought]

I sometimes hate Azriel so fkn much... like I know I'm gonna love him at some point, there is no chance I wouldn't. sjm has a way with words but my god... right now... I HATE HIM SO FKN MUCH!!!

This character alone is the reason this fandom hate at least three female characters in this series: Mor, Gwyn, Elain

Mor is literally being hated for no reason. And it doesn't help the fact that she's also queer and a (SA) survivor from her abusive family. People say she's been leading Az for 5 century while idk how she could be anymore obvious about her choice on the matter. I mean if I had a little self-respect I wouldn't have chased a woman when it's clear she doesn't want to be chased and I think she did it in the best way to not hurt him and also keep things neutral and still be his friend but as we all know this man is a shadow daddy so he's the one being wronged y'know...

Gwyn being hated bc she's a barrier between two people of a non canon (I repeat NON CANON) ship and again she's a SA survivor and never been given a chance to choose for herself. She's being villainized to make some people feel better and hopeful that one day their ship will be canon and destroy the villain so they can make their way to each other (I'M HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING I CAN'T-) like if you talk about Gwyn alone to someone they would fall in love with her idk how they could put a villain arc in her story...

Elain again having no choice in becoming a high fae and the only character trait they made for her is in the circle of being a housewife for Azriel, if not that they completely forget her desire not to want to be a warrior or spy or anything that has to do with violence and make her a full spymaster (that actually doesn't make a single sense since he's so abundant to keep her safe all the time and not wanting to expose her to troves bc he thinks so little of her and not trusting her in handling these stuffs?) or the high lady of Prison... yeah she would thrive there absolutely!!! We don't know much about this character and still people make it like they do and put their ideas and fantasies in her while we've never been in her head once!!

As you can see why I hate him so much. (I know it's probably not much of his fault really but his stans and I really hate that about this fandom)

ps: I know there are other reasons to dislike Elain but honestly didn't we all hated Nesta before her book? I'm pretty sure sjm would make us love her INDIVIDUALLY and not bc her relationship with someone...

The Mor and Az situation is complicated and messy but at the end of the day, he has had 500 years to ask Mor to sit down and have a real conversation about whether she has interest in him.

Really, it's as easy as that.

It's never easy to want someone who doesn't seem to want you in return and maybe you give it some time to see if that changes. But no one gets to play the victim after 500 years of pining for someone and I'm not sure why the narrative is always "poor Az". Maybe he tried to confess his feelings after her assault but that's not an excuse for never trying again within the last 5 centuries. He's the one who wants to know so he's the one that needs to approach her, not vice versa.

And yeah, Gwyn has done nothing to warrant hatred from anyone. She doesn't have to be someone's favorite character but the agenda to turn her evil or be some cruel seductress trying to lure Az away from Elain is ridiculous. She doesn't even know Az likes Elain. She's never even MET Elain. It doesn't matter if E/riel is canon or not, if Gwyn was being flirtatious with Az, Az never felt it was inappropriate considering he didn't vocalize having feelings for someone else. Instead he raised his brows high in amusement. He didn't feel guilt over the thought of Gwyn's happiness sparking something in his chest. Why is blame being placed on Gwyn when she's completely clueless as to what Az does when he leaves the training ring?

And yes, Elain has a mate. Yes, Elain was about to kiss Az. But so what? Nesta all but declared her love for Cassian then turned around and slept with other males yet I have never seen anyone shame her for that. But Elain being ready to kiss Az when she has never made promises to Lucien makes her a terrible person? People really don't seem to grasp the fact that to the sisters, mate doesn't mean anything to them at the start of their journey's. They were HUMANS for 20 plus years. The mating bond is not sacred to them. If the mating bond is the equivalent to fae religion, then people are attacking Elain for not jumping right on board with fae religion when she was raised to believe in something else. She hasn't embraced being fae yet therefore she is not ready to deal with her mating bond. She just lost her fiance, give the girl some time to play the field before making another life long decision. And again, Lucien has never once said, "Elain, can we sit down and discuss our bond?" He keeps it surface level so she does too. Of course we know he'd like more than that but him desiring more and him actually approaching her with purpose (and not just tiptoeing around waiting for her to give him a sign) means he's being just as complacent.

AZ is the one who was raised to respect the mating bond yet he's the one who knew it was wrong to kiss Elain with Lucien in the house yet he didn't care. He's the one who is willing to burn bridges with an important ally with a female who he's never thought of beyond his sexual fantasies. He's the one who can't even admit to being completely over Mor.

The girls are so young compared to Az (Elain is 24ish and Gwyn is 28) but they are expected to behave impeccably while the 500 year old torturer gets free passes left and right. It makes no sense.

As far as your PS. I don't hate Elain at all. Sure she should have done more in the way of chores in the cabin at the start of the series but really, what has her big crime been since then? She was willing to risk her engagement for Feyre and allowed her to use their house in the human lands to meet with the queens. She's been kind to Feyre's new found family. She didn't blame Feyre for the fact that she was made. She helped Feyre by designing and maintaining her garden. She apologized in front of everyone for failing Feyre. She didn't blame Nesta for her fathers death. She wants to spend time with Feyre AND Nesta. Yes, she was disappointed to find Nesta wasn't getting better but only because Cassian told her he thought the training was helping. And no, she didn't understand what Nesta needed in order to heal but that's because Nesta refused to open up and pushed Elain away. It was easy for Nesta to sit beside Elain's bedside because all she had to do was read her book. Did Nesta EVER ask Elain for something which Elain refused to do? Did Nesta invite her out to the bar with her? Elain did reach out and Nesta, knowing it would hurt Elain and knowing that Elain was also struggling after the war and the death of their father told her to leave her alone.

I'm not going to blame Elain who is also dealing with trauma to not have the answers for Nesta's problems. It's not her job and she did make it known that she wanted to spend time with Nesta. Nesta rejected her offers and only showed up to get rent money for Feyre.

Really, it's funny to me how much hate the females of the series get. They are flawed but so are the males. They are not MORE flawed and actually, for how young they are and how recent (and major) their traumas are, I'd say they don't deserve the hatred coming their way.

[golbrocklovely]

you know, I thought i might of been annoying with the amount of asks i send you, and that still might be true but people apparently love me… so im sticking around 😂 gotta build this aussie anon fandom… buy the merch (its just a tshirt with koala ears on the anon icon and ‘xplr me daddy’ across the shoulder blades)

also absolute fkn ditto to your post abt snc needing a villain era. especially colby. I learnt just the other day that apparently he goes thru this m drama every time he’s snapped with a girl. like every time, for years. that’s gotta be so horrible. like imagine being the constant reason your friends or dates get harassed online just for being around you. you’d feel like poison. i truly hope he finds someone who couldnt give two flying quacks abt that stuff. heck, if it were me (lemme dream, alright) and i knew this wasn’t just a once off thing… i was going to say my acct would be private and i’d have ‘message from strangers’ turned off… but i already have all that… Colby, I’m ready!!! lmao i jk i jk (or do I 👀)

anyway, back to colby fighting in the clubs. you said he’s possessive… im curious about that. like in a protective way over the people he cares about, or actually like “this is my person, back off” type? either way, hella shmexxyy

- aussie anon

omg this is such a long response so i'm sorry in advance lol

haha no you're totally okay to keep sending in asks. no one has a problem with it, especially me :)

and omg an "xplr me daddy" shirt would be hysterical and i'm surprised they haven't done one (even jokingly) before lol

and yes, it's not just girls colby is interested in either. it's EVERY girl - date, friend, stranger - it doesn't matter. if fans can find out who she is, they will send her hate. or at the very least bombard her with questions as to how she knows colby, what's he like, ect. it's honestly very embarrassing to be in this fandom sometimes strictly bc of that type of shit.

i've talked about how i've felt on colby's love life ad nauseum on here, but i don't mind speaking on it more. i genuinely believe this fandom needs a HUGE reality check. bc there are too many ppl in this fandom that believe they have a say in what he does with said love life. and now it's bled over into sam's.

the golden child apparently can do wrong now lol

like on xplrclub, they literally APOLOGIZED (half-heartedly, but still said sorry) for the pics of them with the girls leaking over new years. and that's just fucking bonkers to me. there is no reason two 27 year old men should be saying sorry to a bunch of random girls they have never met before and don't even know exist bc they are going out and having fun and dating. and what makes it worse is snc felt the need to do this. they don't need to explain anything to us, especially about their private lives.

and the amount of fucking fans i saw saying "well if you wanted to have a private life, keep it private. don't post things." and it's like…… idk how many times i have to say this, but SNC ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. them not telling you about a girl they are fucking with is not a betrayal. they don't know you. they couldn't even pick you out of a line up of two ppl. stop thinking your opinion is neccessary, especially when it comes to their personal lives. you aren't owed an explanation. idc if you've been in this fandom for years, given them tons of money, have a fan account dedicated to them on every site, repost their content all the time - NONE of that matters. you are a random person, you are a statistic. a view count. and while yes, snc care about us, that doesn't mean they KNOW you or that your opinion is VALID.

you wouldn't like a random person coming onto your account and bitching at you about your life choices, right? so why do you think snc deserve that? bc they're public figures? NOPE, not a good enough reason. you want to bitch at them about content and the choices they make on that? that's fine. but private, personal shit they do is none of your concern or business.

and i know there are plenty of fucking ppl that will call me a hypocrite bc god forbid i talk about snc's love lives - but reality is i know my opinion isn't worth shit. i'm not coming up into their comments, @ ing them every chance i get, just to give them my two cents. i do my best to keep it light hearted and silly. none of what i talk about is serious or direly needed info. which is also why i do it on a site they aren't privy to. they're not on here. me complaining into the void doesn't effect them. and i'm also extremely aware of the fact that i don't know everything. i don't know the full story, never will, and i'm not OWED it either.

sorry, that was a really long rant. but i'm just…. so done with the fandom rn lol i've been reading ppl complaining for too long about shit they don't deserve to complain about and it's just annoying at this point.

but to bring it back to your ask - i hope colby, and sam too, find a girl that fucking PARADES that she's dating him. of course, with colby or sam's consent. if i was dating one of them, i would rub in these fans' faces, and i mean that wholeheartedly. aww, you're upset i'm fucking your man? TOO BAD WOMP WOMP lmao

and as for colby being possessive, he's said it in some tweets in years' past. he's tweeted out before "Im such a protective, jealous person wow" and "I'm overly protective" followed by someone asking him "so that means if you had a girlfriend you'd protect her a lot" and he replied with "protect her with my life". so, i see him as being a very loyal person, who is protective of the ppl he deems as "his", so to speak.

in a relationship, my guess is that while he's not obsessive or demanding, he is very much like "you are my girlfriend". i don't see him to be the type to say you can't talk to this guy or be friends with these ppl, nothing like that. but he reads to me like the type to keep his arm around you while at the club, that way any guy that sees you know you're taken by him.

also side note, i know as a woman i should be like i'm my own person, i'm no one's but my own, blah blah blah. but a guy that's just a twinge bit possessive is hot. i'm sorry, it's my red flag and i know it is sksksks

[padfootastic]

currently reporting deliriously with pain meds and coffee (and procrastination)

but i had this image in my mind that si just annoying the fuck out of all slytherin cos he just keeps fucking with them and they * can't — not really* do anything to him, cause disgraced or not he's still the black heir and they have 4-5 blacks petty enough in their house that will fuck them up in ways that can't even tell how it happened.

sirus and mucilber ( or whatever that dude's name was just remember that's he's always the stupid one for any reason tho) get into a fight and mucilber does some stupid stuff and run his mouth

mucus foolishly - curses sirius with something dark and lethal

Sirius (obviously) - gets out of it and fucks up mucus with 15 creative curses.

james *sirius black 24/7 defence attorney* potter and bella *only i can try to murder sirius* black are now suddenly in cohoots like two kindergarten kids forced to be friends

cos muciber/mucus was stupid enough to whine in common room and James just has this 6th sense whenever sirus gets into a fight.

reg and cissa are researching poison for no reason at all

and Andy is just quietly looking at muggle ways to kill someone without trace cause she's progressive (and because it doesn't show on wand).

and just black family kiddies and James potter becoming unlikely friends cause of (1) sirius Orion black and that's just djfjbf

like this is obviously so crackish but imo, thai shows such a clear picture of world peace that it's just too funny to not use.

like use their power to full and all that yknow—

also snape in end just gives muciber a ticket to spain and be like - here's how you survive black family (not guaranteed)

i’m not saying i like that you’ve had to use pain meds and rely on coffee to get thru things but—

can i request these vibes in the inbox again? like, multiple times? because i am so into this.

for one, mucus is an absolutely fkn hysterical name. i just. Cannot take him seriously

and second. james & the blacks forming an unintentional alliance bc they’ve all started their own sirius black defence squad is so???? why can i literally picture it in my head 😭😭

(like i once talked about how james’ ability to inspire loyalty & devotion is so impressive he could probably be an accidental dark lord but this is just—another way to get to the same place and i love it)

[darlenicy]

Winx nickelodeon Special II Revenge of the Trix - Reaction

Part two of my best friend's and mine first (and last) watch of the (horrible omg) nick specials. Take it with a grain of salt. And yes, H-chan hates Bloom even more than I do.

H: Daphne looks like a Teletubby with her antenna

H: Oh yes and nobody knows Daphne, that's logical. She's a well known nypmph and NOBODY knows her

➡ that underlines again, what I claim: The fall of Domino was centuries ago. Rainbow will never fix this plot hole

L: Not the Black Lagoon being the cool cafe for the witches now. They could've easily used the normal one. Why switch to the Black Lagoon? It doesn't look like a location witches would go

L: *hysterical attack* why do they make it look like Riven is mind-controlled here?????

H: it doesn't at all. they already talked before so he knows what he's doing (H-chan always knows how to calm me down again)

H: Mike and Vanessa could also be starring in a cheap docusoap

➡ L: I have to say it again. Bloom and her parents have a wonderful bond and I appreciate that

L: I thought, she was about to brush her hair with the fork

H: That would be TOO MUCH ariel lmao

Bloom finding out she was found in the fire: So you adopted me!

➡ H: well examined, they actually kidnapped you

L: Faragonda is such a Dumbledore. Telling nothing, expecting everything to work somehow

L: *constantly complaining about the ass ugly animation*

➡ H: The full budget was used for the cloud tower animation

(and the old one looked cooler tho. Also sad, how Rainbow lost their fkn rights to their own ost so we constantly have new tracks in here that makes it even less nostalgic to watch)

*Mirta on the roof*

H: Oh, Mirta. Why don't you simply fall down there?

L: YES! Make Driven sound sexy! (the voice acting is on point in the German dub here. Darcy, I love you!)

*Sky and Bloom looking for the all-knowing book at cloud tower* I think this could be it!

➡ H: Of course it is, it lies on an extra table and glows

*Bloom getting to know that she is "actually a witch"*

➡ H: Great, then you can stay right there at cloud tower

*The Winx transforming* H: They already got their Charmix?? Where are their little bags????

(I will never forgive deleting the whole charmix plot. it had so much relevance. But then again, s2 is pressed in 45 minutes)

L: Mirta and Bloom really fit togther

➡ H: Yes, both are stupid, redheaded and ugly

➡ jdsdfjsdfkdsfksfkdsfjkdsjf i love H-chan

H: Mirta looks better as a pumpkin

H: The balcony looks like a pig's snout

H: Diaspro really has to think: What kind of crazy bitch is that??

H: Diaspro's jewels look like throat lozenge.

[mlentertainment]

still thinking abt how saw 3 was originally gonna be alison and lawrence.......................................... leigh release the unfinished script i’m not playing these games

[self-loathing-angel-of-thursday2]

Beautiful Spouse’s Rewatch Thoughts SPN 02x01

In My Time of Dying

“There’s a storm comin” “They got the timing of the scream pretty close to the timing of the song, but of course idk if its the real song” “You dead bitch” “Shoulda shot him” “That demon didn’t want to bet.” whispers “he’s dead or ghostified or whatever”

“We also never see him wear white usually so I guess that’s supposed to mean something. He’s also wearing a v-neck. He’s not wearing hospital clothes, because they have to sexify him a little bit” “hey we’ve got fire and a little devils trap thing!” “considering you’re such a bitch” “What kind of hospital takes your fkn payment while you’re in recovery?” “So does Dean getting hit by the truck count as 2 near-death experiences in S1 or does that count as S2?” “I think you’re full of shit, John” “At least the damaged baby looks realistic” “I feel like this is an analogy?” Explained how Dean is Baby

🎶it’s not a protection spell. He’s going to summon the demon or reaper or something instead🎶

“Too bad it took you this long to see that, Dean” “Are they going to play Don’t Fear the Reaper?” “Reapers are trouble, though, so idk”

I don’t think reapers are bad. They go with you to the next destination; it’s nice

“That’s an oddly empty room” “Imagine anyone listening to this conversation just outside the door. This ultra-weird cult-family bullshit yelling about demons and deals and summoning; I’d slowly walk away and never make eye contact. Imagine hearing about a demon killing their mother and the girlfriend” “I don’t know that reference” explained Ghost the movie

NIPPLES

“The burn marks would be bigger on his chest” Me singing about seeing Dean’s boobers solely because it’s fun

“I love how he never has this scar for the rest of this show. I guess eventually they get an angel to fix everything” “the first thing you say to an upset woman - calm down” then laughing hysterically girl she doesn’t know you - maybe you do listen to Yanni and play with crystals 

Spouse is having a stressful time with this episode because of Health Events from earlier this year. It’s why we are doing this rewatch; so I can have his words later down the road in case Bad Things happen again, and we aren’t as fortunate next time. He’s ok overall, but he’s my delicate flower / my good time boy-eh / my bestest boy / my Victorian bride who needs to go to the seaside for her constitution. He’s currently wrapped in a tortilla blanket so he’s my delicate burrito atm. 

“This bitch is the reaper, right?”

“Just calm down and stay here. Not “you can follow me”” “What a weird thing to say” “Dean’s going to make fun of him anyway” “Dean is dressed for a slumber party” “dun dun dun” 🎶daddy’s gone🎶

“He’s doing his little summoning ritual already” “That’s a lot of crystals” “I don’t think they use the sandbox analogy for reapers again” “These guys really like cutting themselves right in the fkn palms, don’t they?” 🎶happy birthday to you / We’re giving birth to a demon / it’s one second old / it’s going to arrive right now🎶

“Why didn’t John pull the trigger already? He’s pulling a Sam? They already know it can blink away.” “terrible sales pitch really” “Did they actually killed Yellow Eye’s children? Or is it figurative?” “I can’t remember how this works out” “Well, it’s not you who needs help, Dean” “Something like that” “I forgot how low-budget that effect was at first” “This is the thing that the boys get upset over later, right?” “still making Sam doing the bitch work” “what’s with all the sentimental bullshit? Like I know he knows he’s going to die, but John never gave a shit before” “I didn’t pick up on this the first time, but when they all questioned it, I don’t think I fully understood everything. This rewatch though, it’s all overdone and somehow I’m a dumbass and missed all of this” Us analyzing that this Grand Gesture is really shitty overall

“I think they spent more money on that coffee than they did with that demon/reaper scene” “That took long enough”

[ticklystuff]

shakdbsbasbd can u do more feather ticklish hcs ??

hewwo the last one i did specified the boys of genshin but this one didn't so i added some women this time hehe plus i feel like there aren't many more guys that would be sensitive to feathers that i didn't already cover

Amber: ok so I don’t think Amber is that sensitive to feathers, but I feel like she’s heard so many stories about people being ticklish to feathers that she probably tricked herself into thinking she is too and she just overreacts when she feels one against her skin and she gets hysterical because she’s fooled herself into playing the part too but actually she doesn’t have it as bad as other people like ma’am pls calm down

Thoma: lee!Thoma best Thoma ok so I headcanon that his back is really ticklish and so just imagine like tracing a feather down his bare spine and it gets all tingly for him and he starts giggling and flailing his arms and legs around like he’s being held down or something but he isn’t and he never actually tries to squirm away either and he’ll be like “waaahhhh it tickles it tickles!” like no fkn shit dummy it’s a feather that’s what they do but he actually enjoys it and is just very extra about it

Kaeya: I wanted to include him on the last one but I didn’t and I don’t remember why but yes this man is very sensitive to feathers too and he tries to his best to keep his cool but if he’s approached with one he’ll get very visibly nervous and start giggling while backing away and his laughter is light and airy like a feather so it’s very fitting and if you trace a feather around his fingers and hands and sometimes he’ll squeal but he’ll do his best to hide it but it never works and it’s one of the few things that actually embarrasses him

Hu Tao: she’s weird and actually enjoys that feathery touch lol she doesn’t actually go out of her way to try and get tickled but if she’s writing with a quill she might subconsciously or unknowingly trace the feather against her skin and she’ll only notice she’s doing so once she starts giggling and she also she has very ticklish knees so if you trace a feather along her kneecaps she starts squealing and it’s very cute

Kazuha: I know I included Kazuha in the last one but I didn’t actually give him anything because he wasn’t out at the time but yeah this boy is sensitive to feathers and he snorts if you tickle him anywhere with them especially if you get his ears or his neck and like he totally doesn’t mind but he won’t openly admit it but you can kinda tell because he never actually protests or says that he hates it

[tessasclockworkangel]

Feelings every TMI fan has gone through:

OMG SHIP?!!! CLACE = ENDGAME

Incest??????. Why do I even bother.

WHO IS THE GLITTER GOD?????OML YES...GeT tHaT LiL biTcH!! ALEC YOU GO, HONEY.

WAIT, SHE'S NOT HIS SISTER?!??!?!? ALL AHOY MATEYS! THe sHips SAiLinG

Wait, is it possible. SIZZY? YES YES YOU BADASS GET THE NERD

Ohhhh, HE'S the brother.

NO NO DONT FKN KISS HIM

*sobbing hysterically bc of that one chap we DO NOT talk about* ukwim

I AM NOT YOUR BITCH.

update: yes i am.

THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

oh wait, they didn't

[the-cookie-of-doom]

my mom is really trying to get a restraining order against one of our neighbors WHY IS SHE SO PETTY!

[oreganosbaby]

@stewy since u wanted to talk abt tomshiv/johnandyoko like... it makes me wonder how john was around her family since her mother's side is a zaibatsu family (old meiji era industrialist money) and her father's is a shogunate turned banking family. She even went to the same high school that the royal family tends to go to! But also lmao tom painfully simping for his female husband while also being Hysterical and Closeted is very John as he constantly makes 😂JOKES😂... esp that fkn kissing shit right when he meets greg???

[genelizatierney]

petra the terrifying protective dragon

[aqvarius]

so i saved the screenshots to make a post and idk where i put the screenshots now but the point that i wanted to make is that i find it HYSTERICAL that there's a story where the kbtbb mc (ota's mc) turns into a dog and eisuke tries to pet her and she COULD be kind to him and allow him to have one single moment of contact with an animal who doesn't despise him for the first time in his life but NOPE she just fkn shrinks away from him and curls up with ota i'm roLLING

[blue-hi]

i’ve been awake since 4:30 am and it’s 9:00 now so i need to get this out because it’s been months and i havent been able to spit the whole thing out and i need to SAY something so i think i’ll jst yell into the void so

thanks

ive had insomnia since at least mid october. cant really remember now when it started. i’d keep waking up in th emiddle of the night, always around 2 or 3 am and it would take ages to get back to sleep.

ive never been one for all nighters and i like getting a full night’s sleep and all of a sudden i wasn;t getting it and for no reason too. this scared me. it still scares me. i reached out to my mom for idk emotional support??? i didn’t want to be alone

“this happens to other people too” started out as a way to help but the way she said it sounded like she was dismissing me and what was happening. like it would all clear up soon so i had no reason to bother her

then the week before halloween almost all my classes assigned projects or had a test and they were all assigned at the same time at the end of the week and were all due at the same time on halloween. the saturday before halloween and after i got all the assignments i slept particularly awfully and i just broke down in th emiddle of the library. like all day and i couldn’t stop. that scared me even more bc if it happened once it can happen again

im terrified. that’s the core of the issue

that day my mom and aunt got me a plane ticket to fly home for the next weekend to see if being home would fix things. we even had a doctor’s appointment it didn’t fix anything. the doctor told me things i already knew but also decided i had generalized anxiety disorder and that was why i couldn;t sleep even though i wasn;t scared until after it started and i slept terribly that night again. i was hysterical. i still had no idea why i couldn’t sleep i shouldn’t have paced that loud in the hallway but yeah i wanted attention i felt alone. maybe it was selfish but i just wanted a hug and i knew then i was in for the long haul and i didn’t want to be afraid AND be alone but my mom just yelled at me (which she had the right to i was being not-great) and i felt i was burdening her. that’s when i realized she either can’t or won’t be there with me or both

i went to the counselor at my school and i just vented. not all of this but some of it and i had other problems at the time like my major and some classes but those had all worked themselves out by the end of november i also went to the health center and got a little bottle of this drug called hydroxyzine and that started helping a little bit. i was taking tylenol pm every night before that and apparently this was something stronger

then thanksgiving rolled around and i was still having some issues. one thing i remember most vividly is twin and i were going to drive to our dad’s house for the day. normally i drive but i handed the keys to twin because i hadn’t slept well and didn’t feel like driving. my mom noticed and asked why i didn’t want to drive and i SHOULD have lied and said that i wanted twin to practice but i told he truth and said i felt too tired to drive and she rolled her eyes at me later in the break one morning she asked me how i slept again and i said poorly and i was still half asleep but i swear she scoffed

then i knew i REALLY couldn;t expect her to help me. not even with the sleeping but just with support.

i went back to the school counselor (different person though) and! my mom still doesn’t know about that visit. she doesn;t know that counselor said that insomnia sometimes predates depression symptoms. should i tell her that? that’s also terrifying. i managed to get out of high school without really any mental illness issues so i;m a lucky one but that’s what i’m scared about going forward

i feel like it’s not as serious as it feels and that no i don’t have anxiety and no i don’t have depression (yet) and that i should just suck it up until i do but also i can have emotions because i;m a fucking person and ‘m allowed to tell people about them without feeling like a burden or a fake bc god forbid i have a single negative emotion in front of someone. i’ve always been a “good girl low maintenance child” and FUCK that

weirdly i started to sleep well during finals week and these past 2 weeks on break too but i think that’s because the hydroxyzine started to kick in. except oops now my supply is low and i have about a week or two left until i completely run out and the little bottle says NO REFILLS LEFT so i have to figure out how to get more for the semester last night i tried to go to bed without taking one to see if i’ve gotten any better. news flash nothing’s changed without it and now everything that had gone away in the last 3 weeks all the anxiety and hopelessness and tiredness and terror all came back last night and right now i feel like i;m back in the library again bc i can’t stop crying

what if i can’t get more before the semester starts?? if i’m like this during break what’ll happen when i have to stress again?

i came downstairs at 8 to do organic chemistry on khan academy because if i can’t sleep then i might as well do something productive. mom came down to get ready for work and she saw me and asked me if i was upset about not sleeping again

i was an idiot and said yeah - that’s what i hate too. i want to be honest about mental health with people and how i’m doing but to stop this i need to lie to her. now i’ll always be fine! and she never has to know if i;m in a bad way just as she likes it and i feel a w f u l about it. it makes be feel petty and petulant but i’m non confrontational. i want to tell her everything i;ve written here and just be so honest she has to listen to me instead of dismissing me every time but every time she asks i clam up and i failed again this morning she accused me of wanting to feel scared because “i hadn’t tried everything yet”. she and family members for christmas sent me some things that are supposed to help like a light developed by insomniacs or a winter light and i really do appreciate all of it, but they all came when the medicine was working so i didn’t NEED it. last night was different because i am a scientist and am my own guinea pig and i wanted to see what would happen if i didn’t take the drugs. i’ll use all of that tonight in Phase 2 of the Worst Experiment Ever but she wouldn’t LISTEN to me when i said that either.

now i’ll just say nothing. why should she know it’s only caused both of us stress. i wish she would take this (insomnia! depression!! mental health woo!) as seriously as she took my acne when i was 12. still now if i have a zit she feels entitled to touch my face. do you wanna know how you can help??? stay away from me and don’t wonder why i kind of want to tell her. she’s coming back home in a couple of hours bc it’s new year’s eve and i might still be in a state who knows but i’ll choke again and she’ll yell at me again and nothing will have changed

people have asked me how my semester went and “it’s been a shitty one,” i wanna say but normally i just say that i’m glad it’s over only for my parents to swoop in and say “it can’t have been all that bad i mean you did well with your grades in the end” like !! i pulled that B in physics out of my ass! just because i did ok academically because i’m lucky and good at school doesn’t mean my health was great! my dad can’t help me either because i’ll say that my mental health recently isn’t as good as it could be and he just goes “aww sweetie.” and that’s it. nothing else. thanks dad. i know you don’t know what to do with that information and i don’t fault you for that because emotions have never taken precedence in either household (except for all the curse words i learned from my mom when she’s inconvenienced)

all of this and i still don’t know why i can’t sleep normally

thanks for reading this fkn novel all of this has been on my chest for a LONG time and i haven’t had the chance to say any of it and if i get the chance i’m afraid i’ll forget something (i probably did here, too). i truly mean thank you. this has been cathartic to write, even though i still need to go to a counselor or something. i hope your new year (and decade!) is bright

[meet-me-in-the-pouringrain]

I fkn loved her lmao. She came in, seemingly out of no where, and just fucked shit up for a bit and stirred the pot. Her character had the best offhand lines and being Brit myself, I found her delivery absolutely hysterical cos she’d deliver in the way that British humour would be accepted in the UK.