#she's been over and not asked/ something else was on but it happened 3x at the same time and i wanted to be lile 'The Channel. the one we

[bunnyb34r]

Idk why I like doing these mini doll room/houses so much considering how much I hate measuring and how badly instructions fuck me up 😭 I guess it being pictures more than words and being able to guesstimate the measurements on some parts is why but 😭😭 idk

[theghostbunnie]

How do you feel about Candy as a Character vs. The character you made? I’m honestly just interested in the character you have for Candy and her relationship with Nikki

HI THANK YOU FOR THE ASK, V GOOD ASK I'M HAPPY TO AWNSER

My version of Candy isn't actually supposed to contradict what we know of her already, more so really really build-off-from and completely take and run with what little we were given about her.

I'm fine with anyone's HCs I believe everyone should have fun and it doesn't have to match cannon! but in the same note if we're talkin' character analysis and not HCs they often don't even target what she did wrong and just go "whore." And. Uh. Yeah never been a fan of that.. Not a fan of how she was supposed to be a "golddigger joke" or something in the show either but ehh.

She's not a bad mother because she was on her phone or because she wears tank tops or because she has sex or anything else I've heard while being in this fandom dear GOD SKSKNDJN but this post will literally be 3x longer if I get into my takes on that so it's a different post if y'all want it one day.

Candy didn't remember something important, something traumatizing for Nikki and that's where her flaws lay. Their communication is lackluster. I think it makes her a flawed parent and a flawed person but it doesn't mean "she's scum of the earth condemn this woman to hell immediately," she still loves Nikki and shows she does in the same episode she tells her not to karate chop strangers and get them sued so she doesn't just let her do whatever. She refers to her as "my angel" and Nikki looks up at her when everyone is eating with this smile and they LOVE each other and raaahhh I love the sillies so much.... Cryinhng..

I've mentioned in my post about Neil's mother how I believe that the egg episode they're mirroring their own parents and Nikki being so worried about fucking up her egg and not knowing what to do and being unprepared and scared. I HC Candy had Nikki when she was like 20-21 and recently kicked out by her own mother and she had no support or knowledge of what to do or how to care for a baby and it was SO much trial and error but it bleeds into my HC about Nikki where she has all these big thoughts and emotions but gets regarded as simple minded by her peers because she can't find a way to express them verbally and comes off simple minded or stupid. This doesn't stop her from feeling complicated things it just stops her from being understood.

((literally the whole Christmas episode is her going "I love this thing so dang much!!! I can't tell you why though. I'll know it when I see it.?))

So when you have a unprepared parent who's working by trial and error and you can't verbalize to them the errors or make sense of your feelings that's where issues come in!!

Minor New episode spoilers: Nikki can't write eligibly when she writes letters to her mother. I think is some great potential to be visual storytelling about this if I ever could make a fic. Her handwriting is bad. She gets excited and doodles and scribbles. You can't make out what she's saying. Maybe her mother never even got to know about what happened in the flower scouts because she said it over letter.

Candy still sent her there and lied about it being adventure camp and I hc it was done not because she wants to force feminity on Nikki or anything (if that's the case Nikki would be dead like literally 💀 she needs dirt to live) but because she wanted her to make friends and since she had such a good time as some version of a scout herself she thought Nikki would too. She loves Nikki and supports her wolf-kinning and playing in the mud but of course is concerned she's estranging herself from other people by barking and biting them and sending her out into the woods she would've just continued to ignore people in favor of animals. Candy had a "it'll be good for her!" Type rationalization about lying.

Then next summer she wanted to make her happy and followed through with going to adventure camp for realsies and was scatterbrained about it and misremembered the previous year's sign up for that one.

A misunderstanding didn't hurt Nikki any less. You can have all the good intentions in the world and still screw up and accidentally hurt somebody you care about.

Personally I love depicting Candy as being really really affectionate with Nikki and she calls her not only "my angel" but variations of "baby/sweetie/hunny" and the biggest nickname she has for her is probably "sunshine"

Candy also can't cook lol she tries but it's the only thing in the world Nikki won't eat is her mom's cooking so Candy buys them TV dinners and premade stuff alot. They have "barbeque nights" where Candy brings home ribs and they watch TV together and live in this lil trailer home near a forest. (In the first trailer for camp camp we see Nikki using a slingshot on cans with flowers painted on them and I'm like yeah her back yard just goes directly into the woods I know it does)

I actually HC Candy's off and off boyfriend/husband Andrew is the one who'd force gender roles on Nikki if at all. Guy who jokes about "hookers and blow" ((Infront of his 9-10yo daughter)) with his friends yk that guy.

Please take these walls of text I've sent to a friend about Candy 🙏 also that's meant to say spots not sports 😔

Also I wanna mention Candy isn't even her actual name she got it during her time in the adult film industry (🌽) and it's actually Caroline. She doesn't really introduce herself as that anymore. Sex work in general is often an abusive industry and highly exploitive so she's got some baggage from her time there and falls in and out of being a stripper aswell and struggles to hold down a job that can support her and her daughter and it's part of multiple reasons why she keeps going back to her ex husband bc he's well-off. ((Cannonicaly bought her a car and lawyers))

She didn't even know for sure if Andrew was the father, some AUs I have he turned out to be the father in some he didn't, but she chose to tell him because he could give her daughter the best chance in life and support her education and allthat.

[redrockbutch]

The Group Therapy Debacle:

This was not my first group therapy rodeo. If you look back on my tumblr archive, you'll notice the singular 6mo absence where I was in residential treatment for Troubled Youths. On the scale of Troubled Youth Industry, I would say it was pretty low. It still wasn't great and there's a lot of stuff I'm still unpacking from that, but we slept indoors and they fed us 3x a day, so. Could've been way worse there.

It continually blows my mind that this group therapy experience, The Group Therapy Experience, was less helpful to my mental health than the one that happened when I was living with teens who had been kidnapped in the night and didn't want to be there.

My living situation at the time was really, really bad. I didn't have any relief from my mental or physical symptoms, or my [redacted]. I was begging anyone I talked to for tools to help process and guide what I was going through. With that in mind, my therapist at the time (also bad) managed to get me a spot in a Group Therapy Telehealth To Learn Skills. It was a specific program but I'm not gonna name it (iykyk) because I'm fairly sure my experience was unusually bad. I know there are much worse things to have happened to people, but when I was literally begging every single mental health professional I talked to to please point me in the right direction because I was terrified I was going to hurt myself, it was genuinely and truly infuriating. So much for "asking for help" and all of that!! I might be alive out of spite about this bullshit tbqh.

When I called to be admitted to the program, I asked the person on the phone for confirmation: this is just like a normal class, right? I won't be expected to interact with anyone else there. I've been in group therapy like that (Troubled Teen Therapy) and I didn't want my therapy to be held up by someone who didn't want to be there, particularly when I was paying a lot of money for it. They confirmed that in no way would I be required to interact with anyone else there. This was a complete and total lie :) Most of the therapy was either interacting with strangers or dissociating while they went over the homework with the group leaders. Everyone hated this. It was so fucking uncomfortable and useless, and I doubt I was the only one who avoided talking about my real problems in front of 7 random strangers who didn't want to hear about them.

Everyone in the program talked a big game about how if someone isn't learning something, the program is the issue and not the patient. When I expressed this to my individual therapist, she gave me the silent treatment until I apologized, and then told me to try being less negative about wasting 3 hours of my life per week and a lot of money on something that was not helping me

If someone didn't do the homework, nobody cared, but in the weirdest and most specific way. The homework was required for understanding what they were teaching, but "understanding what they were teaching and applying it to life" seemed to be pretty low on the priorities, since we never got through lessons at all. Nobody made sure you understood what was going on or asked if there was anything that would make the homework easier. They just publicly shamed you and demanded to know which of Your Issues made the homework impossible and how you're going to make sure that never ever happens again, bc this is your healing on the line!!! They did not seem to be aware of the fact that I cannot use the coping skills I've learned to help make sure I finish the homework when they haven't fully taught any coping skills :)

The group leaders had clear and obvious favorites. They would spend much more time with them talking about anything, and scold the rest of us if we ever piped up. One time I typed a joke in chat to be less disruptive (after several Favorites had been joking aloud and holding up the lesson) and was immediately told to pay attention and stop being disrespectful

I was mocked for not being able to drive as a disabled person. Most of the group laughed. Group leaders did nothing.

Same person frequently made connections between intelligence and straight As and was never corrected. It's honestly very sad to me, because there were times this person was clearly and obviously crying out for help and to view themselves as more than a Strong Academic; their grades had suffered in the wake of a traumatic incident and they now felt worthless. The group leaders encouraged them to stick to their standards of only viewing good students as humans worthy of love bc that was Their Viewpoint uwu

Several people passed through the program and finished it, and during their goodbyes all of them said they felt like they didn't know enough and weren't ready to leave bc they didn't really understand the skills. The group leaders went, "awww!" as though this was cute, and not someone saying to their faces that they were terrible at their job

Every example they had to teach the skills was the most namby pamby little oopsie. "Ohhh I wanted to go to work but there was an icky spider in my car! I don't have a phobia but I think they're kinda gross teehee. What could I have done in this impossible situation???" was literally one of the example situations used. I could never see how their examples of how to apply the skills could possibly apply to my life where I was battling PTSD, chronic pain, and [redacted]. They seemed shocked to hear that their teaching methods didn't really scale to severe traumas

When I wanted to get in touch w the group leaders to talk privately about some of my concerns as opposed to in the middle of group with people who had been ableist directly to my fucking face, I was treated like I was stalking them and this was dangerous and scary. When I was given their emails, it was stressed like 8 times that THEY DON'T USUALLY DO THIS!!! Weird that you don't usually allow people to discuss issues privately !

When I was able to find someone who did skills training individually as opposed to in a group (which was actually helpful and I loved her), I informed The Group of this and they told me they were going to keep charging the card on file even if I didn't show up. They called this a compromise.

When I finally fucking left forever I told them that I felt I had been taken advantage of financially, that them refusing to stop charging my card had made my life genuinely dangerous, and their services were far, far from financially accessible. In response, one of the group leaders told me I'd be welcome to rejoin the program if I wanted

And to cap it all off, I was told several times that this specific program/form of therapy was "the only hope I had"

I have since learned that this type of therapy is useless/possibly extra harmful when you are actively experiencing trauma, and yet none of the mental health professionals involved saw a problem w the stuff I described in my life. I truly feel like they scammed me, and given that I had no source of income at the time and was getting kicked out of my housing, personally I find that Genuinely Evil :)

[moldybits]

Hmm okay maybe I'll look into getting a membership to something for the family tree then. Even just for a jumping off point.

And yeah oral history has been something I'm hoping to avoid tbh. Because I don't know anyone who could give me a rundown anymore. But nowadays the older generation is either gone or not in a position to talk about family history.

What have you done in this situation?

It also may not be a bad idea to make a free family tree somewhere. I’ve used this website before! Maybe just collect all the information you do know so you have a reference to compare it to any info you find online or elsewhere

Lack of oral history is hard but I will say that research until you give up and think you’ve found everything. Give it a few months and then come back. I have found new things every single time.

To give you an idea of what I am currently doing right now:

My grandfather doesn’t know almost anything about our family but his sister does, so she sent me notes with some info on it. It confirmed a lot of my research on a couple generations, but only to a certain degree. Besides her, I don’t know who else I would turn to as well. A lot of family we have lost contact, died, or know nothing as well.

I am currently in a position where the question I am asking in my research almost certainly requires oral history. I’m asking the question of how exactly did recent disconnection happen in our family, after removal.

I know my 3x great-grandfather was a prominent Cherokee citizen and was active in the culture and spoke the language (mentioned many times in newspaper clippings). So were his brothers and sisters from what I understand (I am a descendant of Lah-to-tau-yie). According to censuses, he did teach my 2x great-grandmother the language as well and she was fluent. But then at one point, she is being listed as white instead of native and her daughter (my great-grandmother) was only ever listed as white and only spoke English.

My 3x great-grandfather was murdered in 1904 by a white man over wage disputes who was acquitted in a quick trial. His daughter was 21 when this happened. Not too long after the murder, she married a white man that her mother did not approve of (oral family history), and they never spoke again.

So something makes me think that my white 2x great-grandfather might have been the problem, or her father’s death played a role, or both. There of course was the the “kill the Indian, save the man” culture happening from white people at this time. So a mix of all things probably.

The culture was never passed on to my great-grandmother from what I know. She was never enrolled and didn’t speak the language. Her kids (my grandpa) didn’t get enrolled or learn anything either, and neither did my mother, and neither did I. All we were told was “we are Cherokee” and that was where it ended.

So now I’m on the journey of how did we get here and how do we get back. I’m working on research to write a small book to give to my family who can trace themselves back to our Cherokee heritage. They need to know where we came from, and how much genocide has played a role in our family’s hardships. I do have family who have tried over time to find the answers but were never successful. But that’s what I am here to take care of!

I have spent countless hours scouring as many resources I would get my hand on. Chased many dead ends and tried again. Thought I found something only to be completely wrong. It’s just apart of the process. I have learned more than anyone in my family has and I plan on sharing that with everyone.

[diariesof-kg]

The Heartbreaker Continued...

Tmobile won’t let me disconnect my phone line, what a damn joke.  And IG keeps denying me of deactivating my IG.  I just came back from seeing my kids.  It somehow healed a part of me.  The innocence of children is honestly a beautiful thing.  It’s the ultimate forever love you’ll always get.

I noticed everyone was on their phones and well I wasn’t.  The consumption of social media is really something toxic.  Everyone also noticed my energy was way off even though I smiled a lot.  My best friend mom was like “...are you okay? Are you good...” I wanted to break but couldn’t.  It’s like one of those moments of do not speak about that forbidden thing.  I want to go to the beach tonight.  I feel the urgency to get there.  I am kind of glad the plans are cancelled for tomorrow.  Hearing my mom say “Be strong...” stings.  She knows I’ve attempted to take my life 3x and the next time will be the last.  The last conversation, I cried when she said “be strong Ke’Anna, you have to be...” if anything should happen to her.  Maybe that’s why she refuses to come see me?  In my dreams I see her feet never her face.  Maybe she’s scared that if I come in contact I’ll let go of this world.  I’ve been strong and I’m tired.  Everyday I wake up and I am in pain.  I swear I don’t want to be in this vessel anymore.  It’s a weird type of pain.  And look at me venting my thoughts out.  Look at me disappearing, and yet, “I am a ghoster and a bad friend” Lol.

When shit hits the fan, no one has my back at all.  I honestly DO NOT understand why I am so bothered.  That’s why I need to go away.  I am beyond vulnerable at this point.  Accountability also bothers me.  No one is willing to admit their wrongs and apologize.  I feel like once my mom died, I became very weak and everything bothers me.  Maybe I am scared of being alone for once, when at first I wasn’t because she was here.  Maybe I am scared of my subconscious?  Maybe I am seeking things to feel a void?  What if I have become broken (like everyone else) and seeking a healer?  I feel like a disease walking around infecting those around me unintentionally.  I feel ugly inside.  This friend thing boiled everything over for me.  Capricorns are the goats but we feel things too.  We have emotions too.  We hurt too.  

I do be use to people’s actions, but a person can only handle so much.  The fact that my sister came and was so busy visiting her friends was hurtful.  I was only allowed two days and that barely worked.  I wanted to have lunch with her and my girlfriend but my sister schedule just didn’t allow that and she wasn’t going to readjust anything.  *tears* Maybe I’m too sensitive?  I get everyone has their own life, but the fact my own sister spared me 2 days, real life hurts.  I have to take care of everything regarding our mother and my brother, meanwhile she has no responsibilities.  That’s why I always question, what am I doing here?  I am here to do what others are not willing to do.  Then she poured the drama on me and didn’t pour back into me at all.  It’s like Ke’Anna why are you even upset at this point, you should be use to this.  I shouldn’t be use to anything at this point, I should be respected and appreciated.  So many things bother me at this point, I just want to disappear.  My feelings are always denied and never heard, that’s why I don’t speak about them, I’d rather write them out.  I feel like as a child it’s always been this way, but then once I interacted with other humans, it’s still the same, friendships, relationships, family.....

I wish people would stop seeing me as a sexual object.  I can’t even begin to express those thoughts.  I’d never forget when, this chick my friends named her Candy Cane was so upset, and said “you could get it, aint no way no one is fucking you...”  that’s for a different blog post, but I’ll gather those screenshots from my old phone.  Some random number, sent nudes, asking me to eat their p*ssy.  Anyone would be delighted to have things like this happen, but if you knew what happened to me as a child, you’d be a bit more respectful.  Plus the other chick sexually assaulting me (for another blog).  Phew....there is so much bottled up it’s starting to leak.  I enjoy intimacy with love making with the person I choose to be with.  I am not interested in having sex with random folks or be enticed by inappropriate comments that come from people I am not in a relationship with.  The sad thing about is, I can’t ask no one I am friends with who liked me to stop by, because I am too scared of being touched on and not knowing what to do.  I can’t even hug folks without them being turned on.  It’s a sick world seriously.  Although I’d never let these people know where I live, it be the thoughts sometimes, I just be needing a friend, not to be fcked on.  I can’t deny how people feel, but I wish it wasn’t towards me, this is why deep inside I just want to be loved properly.  I wish people would stop having sex dreams about me and telling me, I gag every time.  And the reason I don’t reply, because when I tell people, its inappropriate it turns into this big deal and I am the bad guy.

I stopped posting on social media, because I don’t like the comments or DMs sometimes and I know that’s weird, but for some reason compliments make me feel weird.  

To end this blog ----

I wish I wasn’t as weak right now.  Feeling numb, is like not caring if you live or die.  Not caring about eating, just existing at this point.  I need to go to the beach, but I can’t see at night.  I want to be loved properly.  I think that’s why it’s hard for me to say, “I love you...” because I know I mean it, but others may not.  “I love you so much...” she said just to tell lies on me and become the victim.  “I love you key...” just to accuse me of messing with your best friend, and interfering with your baby daddy.  Can someone please say, “I love you” without the bullshit being attached.  

[lesbiansandpuns]

This is super fair; I think the writers are laying crumbs but being intentionally cryptic. That said, here are my thoughts, in a reblog instead of a reply bc they’re gonna be really long lol. This is aided by watching every ep 3x (except Ep 5, I’m in mourning), BUT I very well could be wrong about much of this! We’ll see.

General Plot Speculations

The writers have said the whole time that this is going to have a lot of twists and turns, and because there are a LOT of unanswered Qs, I think we have not seen the whole story yet. Ep 3 had so many holes in it—why did all of the witches die? Why did Mother Aniseya die apart from everyone else? It didn’t seem like it was the fire that killed any of them, so what actually happened? And why was Sol there in the first place? He could have had a premonition or something, but I feel like something else is going on. AND, Ep 3 is from Osha’s perspective. I think something else happened that night that Osha didn’t know about, and the Jedi are at least in part to blame for what happened. (Esp bc if they aren’t, why would Torbin ask for Mae’s forgiveness and then kill himself? And why would Sol look so devastated when he tells Osha in this past ep that he’ll explain on the ship?)

My suspicion is the Jedi (maybe just Sol?), knowing the kids had been instructed to lie and knowing that Osha did genuinely want to go with them, decided to mount a rescue operation that went really, really badly. And if Mae saw any of that happen, it might have been what pushed her over the edge (although obviously she was already really struggling with boundaries and attachment). Also, at the end of Ep 3, Mae literally looks completely fine. That might be a plot hole, but I think what’s more likely is what we saw—or what was implied—of Mae falling far enough that both Sol and Osha assumed she died is not actually what happened. Also, IMO, Indara did not seem shocked enough that Mae was still alive, and Torbin seemed pretty unsurprised to see her, and Qimir also seemed unsurprised that Osha was alive, which feels like a separate but related issue.

* The trailer also seems to imply that there was a fight between Indara, Kelnacca, and Sol, which obviously had to happen before Indara died and therefore likely happened on Brendok. That also strongly implies we still have at least one more flashback coming, likely from another character’s perspective.

The Dark Side Users’ Intentions

Regardless of what actually happened, Mae clearly blames the Jedi for it. She’s also obviously both Force-sensitive and some other flavor of special given the cryptic “how you created them” comment from Koril. I think Qimir found her and used her hatred of the Jedi to convince her to become his apprentice because she’s powerful, and I think she went along with it bc she hates the Jedi, blamed them for her sister’s death (bc she thought Osha was dead for sixteen years!), and wanted more power. She does seem to view it as her inheritance to be a non-Jedi Force user, and Qimir’s caginess about whether he’s actually a Sith or not suggests to me he might be being a little flexible with the “rules.” I also think it’s notable that she doesn’t have a red saber (yet?), so until Qimir had to get involved, there was no risk of the Sith (??) being truly discovered. Some of the dialogue in Ep 4 suggests the concept of a splinter Order is at the very least fathomable, so I think the Jedi would have assumed that was what was happening and not actual Dark Side users. So as far as their plan goes, I think most of this was not supposed to happen.

Osha

I think Osha genuinely believes in the Jedi. I have a lot of questions about how she even knew about the Jedi, but that’s kind of beside the point for now. What matters is that she believed in the Jedi before even joining them (she said “the Jedi are good!” to her sister, and drew what I’m pretty sure is supposed to be the High Republic Jedi crest in her notebook), and appears to believe in them even now. Her first reaction upon seeing Yord was joy. Even after she’d been arrested and was on a prison transport, she said “I have faith in the Jedi.” And she kind of ran from the Jedi after the ship crashed, but that seemed much more like “I feel like I look really guilty now” and not anything about the Jedi themselves. And obviously she’s been working with them closely and getting along with everyone fairly well.

That said, I think there’s a chance that they’re going to say Osha’s memory was altered in some way. I’ll be kind of unhappy if that ends up being true, but they have hinted to it twice now, so I suspect it might happen. In Ep 2, Qimir alluded to the Jedi having the ability to wipe his memory, and in Ep 5 Mae says Osha was brainwashed; memory manipulation has also been spotlit a few other times in this show, including Sol searching Mae's memory trying to find her Master and somehow getting that guy from the prison transport to accurately recall and relate what happened with Osha. (Also memory wipe was used on Revan in Legends and the showrunner is a fan of KOTOR!) If they go that route, I also think there’s a chance Sol’s memory was altered, given he seemed really convinced he saw Mae fall to her death and that appears to not have happened (obviously it wasn’t to her death, but it seems like it didn’t happen at all).

So, in summary: I think a lot more happened on Brendok than they’re showing us, and I think the Jedi are—whether well-intentioned or not, but hopefully well-intentioned—more responsible for that than Osha has been led to believe. And I think Mae was genuinely just supposed to be completing (this stage of?) her Dark Side training, and this number of Jedi getting involved and discovering Qimir and his red saber was not supposed to happen.

FWIW, I also think Qimir is not the ultimate Master, and whoever that is will appear in a later episode (and, probably, kill everyone, given the general vibe of the High Republic and the line in TPM about the Sith not being seen in a millenium), but that’s more speculation than the rest of this post lol

Disclaimer: I’m NOT a whiny hater by any means, I am enjoying the acolyte so far, and I especially liked the first couple episodes, and the fights are fun etc.

That being said, as episodes go on I feel less and less certain about character motivations and the overall plot. Like I know of course at this point not everything in the story would be revealed and there are mysteries. But I don’t understand what questions the writers want me to be asking? It’s hard for me to make out the shape of the story, even of what we already have.

What’s the point of the sith’s plan? Why did Mae go along with it, what does she think she’s working towards? How does Osha feel about the Jedi and why? Idk it all feels sorta nebulous and hard for me to pinpoint and I can’t tell if that’s on purpose or not and what story I’m supposed to be following.

Ok yeah so like if anyone understands what’s being put down and wants to share in the notes, PLEASE be my guest

[wellntruly]

Sense8, Season 2, Half the Second + the Finale

In retrospect I really should have listened to my instincts saying I should write up the back half of S2 before watching the film-length series finale, but the problem with that was: I just wanted to keep watching so bad. An error was made! Because there is much to discuss in 2x07-2x11, but it becomes difficult to parcel it out in light of how the conclusion of this show was a 2.5 hour euro-hopping Gotta Get Our Guy epic that was also 3x more of a comedy than the rest of the series—a move I, if you’ll pardon me, L😘VED.

So this is surely gonna be a whole mess to structure, but you know what we’ll try!

Alright, in my recollection, the latter half of Season 2 has three big showdown tentpoles, they are:

- Wolfgang v. Lila (Cluster v. Cluster) - Dani v. Hollywood - Sun v. Bro

There is other stuff going on too of course, like Capheus being swept into whole ass political warfare (again!), and the thing where Will is actual-pants circling a heroin addiction from his time evading Whispers. This rules honestly, I like outcomes. And also affords us a really great Will/Kala scene, honestly one of my favorite pair-ups for both of them. Kala has this very open and thoughtfully distracting way of being a damsel in distress, where it’s like she just arrives and goes I’m having a personal issue, and I am trying to deal with that, but you’re about to do something very stupid so I had to come over here, and now we both need to help each other. And of course on Officer Little Spoon, that’s basically all he’s ever wanted to hear. I can both help and be helped simultaneously, my dream!

The different things that come out of different cluster combinations is one of my favorite, favorite things about this show. I’m a nerd who loves thinking about the mechanics of storytelling, and a premise where we always have seven other people who could arrive to contextualize a character’s circumstances feels like I’ve been given the biggest writing snack box I've ever seen. Anything you want to have happen, there’s someone who can get that going for you. Anything you’re curious about with a character, there’s someone who can open that door. This is a truly, truly character-driven show, which I believe is why [behind the scenes clip] I have been struggling trying to write this post by plot instead of characters this time. It just doesn’t work that well with Sense8, that’s not how it’s built. I mean here I was trying to frame this around three main plot beats of the second half of S2, and in less than a paragraph I’m getting waylaid into talking about my favorite cluster pairs and how & why they work the way they do!

For instance, if you ask me one of the all-time combinations, for just the pure Sense8 vibes of them, is Riley/Sunnnn, Riley/Sun! I think it’s because they are able to just be tired with each other in a way neither of them fully are with anyone else. So although they’re a melancholy pair, they’re also one of the most relaxed, and it has a relaxing effect on us too—something of that base Zen I was trying to describe back at the beginning.

Some SUBLIME Sun/Lito material in the back half of S2 too. Both raucously and poignantly juxtaposing one another, sometimes all at the same time, the way they always are together ("and she's not crying the same way that I'm not SCREAMING!") I could quote whole swaths of their new crying scene here with Lito flung on her bed with the stuffed animals, but I will refrain!

But Sun is like salt: she brightens every other sensate she's paired with. That’s part of what makes her such an ideal focal point for another big cluster collab to center around this season. The other appeal is that Sun getting to fight at a gala means she’ll be doing so wearing something incredible. Did I know it would mostly be just silver metallic booty shorts and kicky ankle boots? Well I could never have dreamed.

Nor could I have dreamt up Detective Mun, one of the few times a character is introduced just to be a love interest where you’re like oh but TOTALLY babe. I was pretty on board with him from when he showed up at her teacher’s house, but when he next appears in his hoot of a graveyard groundskeeper disguise, then proceeds to spar with her all through the tombstones because he knows that will make her feel better, and then literally a single tear drops out of this man’s eye when he gets one kiss from her, uh. I shipped it. A lot. God get his handsome ass, Sun.

Speaking of handsome asses!!—I will be yelling “FROM QUEER TO ETERNITY!” for the rest of my goddamn life. Oh…my fucking god. Mexico City sure has a hell of a run here, but when is Mexico City NOT having a hell of a run, I ask you! Listen I had been waaaaaaiiting for Daniela to become Lito’s agent, oh howww had I been waiting. She needs a job and he needs someone to get him a job, and clearly she was going to be a NATURAL at it. DOUBLE FISTING HER & HERNANDO’S CELLPHONES LIKE THE LATINA MALCOLM TUCKER, I’m in love.

I do have a sliiiight question though. In this Mexico…did Y Tu Mamá También not come out like fifteen years earlier? Did not Gael García Bernal and Diego Luna go on to become huge stars, careers very not tarnished? Did not Gael García Bernal—whom we’ve confirmed canonically exists in this timeline!—then even make La Mala Educación with Pedro Almodóvar also?? Fuuuuck wait Lito needs to make an Almodóvar are you KIDDING me, that’s your new hugely emotional gay niche buddy!!!!! But really though, not to get side-tracked: is the Mexican film industry really that homophobic? I mean yes, Mexico is a very conservative country, but like, so is America. Yeah of course I can see a situation where say, none of the Marvel stars would be “allowed” to be out because for massive action movies you need to make massive profits in order to make back the production costs, and so you don’t want to risk ostracizing conservative America and conservative China, so sure, with the Latino machismo thing in play as well, can totally see why Lito coming out would mean he couldn’t keep making the kind of mainstream het-flicks that had been his bread & butter. But for his whole agency to drop him??? In the county that has produced three filmmakers who between them have won 50% of the Oscars for best directing of the past ten years?? That is where I’m starting to get the feeling this might have been a bit…much. But y’know, by the other hand we sure had São Paulo Pride, so it’s completely not that this show is acting like you just can’t be gay in public in Latin America. Perhaps, like most everything, it’s just a complex situation. Perhaps there’s some truth here, as well as some exaggeration, like a lot of TV and movies, from a lot of different countries.

Hey I got another question! But this one is a world-building thought experiment I’ve become rather fixated on. You see I’m really curious over how this whole other cluster of Lila’s seems to be evil, as they are all helping her with what she’s doing. How does that come about. Are clusters just naturally similarly morally oriented to one another pre-connection, or is it more that after rebirth they might start moving toward one another in a heightened kind of groupthink. What if one member of our cluster had been like I Want To Be Bad News, would the rest of them just be like aw lame, black sheep of the family, or could they have been swept into it too? Like could the tendency toward sensorium groupthink be really dangerous, something you’d need to be careful about, to guard your cluster against being infected by an Idea. I’m fascinated by this possibility.

I guess if our cluster were going to be pulled toward darker behavior, it would probably have to be by Wolfgang, but part of what’s fascinating about HIM, is that just simply is not going to be happening on his watch. His loyalty drive is so interesting. He just woke up one day connected to these people and was like okay yeah I’ll lay down my life for you weirdos. I mean the whole Lila thing even happens because Wolfgang wants to just take care of this for the group, make sure no harm or worry comes to them regardless of what might happen to himself. Meanwhile everyone in his actual life he’s like, we have nothing between us Actually, sorry. Associates, randos, family—all the same. The big blinking exception of course is single solitary Felix, who is basically the model for how he’ll treat his clustermates.

Yet all that said, I was fucking staggered by the turn of the S2 finale. I REALLY had not expected Wolfgang for a kidnapped role! This is honestly an avant-garde choice. I mean to quote Jerah Milligan talking about The Old Guard: “—first of all, I knew that white dude was getting kidnapped. I don’t know why. I was like, something about him seems too nice: they gon’ get him. [laughs]” Because that’s how it usually goes!! But Wolfgang ISN’T nice in that kidnappable way, at all. Though admittedly I guess by this point we’ve already strapped down every other available white person to a bed at some time. And, as discussed, Wolfgang is a dramatically interesting choice because his cluster safety prioritizing instincts mean he will have approximately one hair’s worth of resistance to overcome to the idea that he should just take himself out, like their mom, before the Cannibal can eat through him to them. Wolfgang comes with his own self-destruct timer, basically.

Anyway this plot really is at its core the very same shape as The Old Guard, which does make me wonder: what is it about queer, multi-racial, supernatural-inflected action projects and the plot driver of “they took one of our people for Torture and we are going to get them back.”

For that is the simple and spicy gambit that kicks off the events of S3! Or the condensed feature we got of it, at least. No matter, nosebleeds and pained panting for everyone! Highly effective measure to bring everyone together, and quickly. I acknowledge we needed to keep tumbling forward for that sense of urgency, so I’ll just imagine in my head the missed moments of them all reeling a bit at finally touching one another for real [tiny scream]. And, Lito finally telling Hernando and Dani!!!!! In the most traumatizing possible circumstances good job baby.

Perhaps odd that from all this angst the final few hours would turn out to be so funny, but oh my god were they, and oh my god Yes.

Where even to begin. Well here’s one: There’s no way I can prove this but I never believed Jonas was dead and guess what. Meanwhile I *had* believed he’d turn out to have always been the goodest of guys, but was absolutely exhilarated by his steady development into this mild-mannered enigma no one can make heads or tails of anymore. Schrödinger's ally. This conversational sensorium Fae where you truly don’t know if he’s here to help you or harm you at any given moment, but everyone has just accepted him as part of the ecosystem. He shows up and they’re just like, aw jeez. Literally Nomi when he first reappears: “I didn’t think I could be any more confused by you, but congratulations, you found a way.” Literally Will by Jonas’s last pop-up appearance in the finale: “OhPLEASE Jonas not now!” Incredible.

The thing is, Lana Wachowski can DO funny. She can direct these totally kick ass, cinematic, big ol heroics fight scenes one episode, and then the next an action sequence as perfectly human and hilarious as that disorganized scramble up and back down the rooftops of Paris, that had me wheezing. Oh my gOD. Nomi suddenly running back to save Amanita even though that’s SO stupid, Lito immediately haring after her yelling “Family we’re coming!!”, meanwhile Jonas just does a runner off the other edge and Will’s like ahhhfjafd, and slips trying to go after him. Overjoying. And that’s all before we got to the tour bus Trojan Horse scene, A G I F T. Me in my notes, visibly losing it: “Asian tourists Sun and Mun are MURDERING me, Lito looks EXACTLY LIKE SUFJAN STEVENS, Felix has a bandanna holding back his bangs and is cowering with Wolfie in pastel denims—help help help help”

There really seemed to be a deliberate choice to make the finale more comedic, which just to reiterate, I am aaaall about. Humor does not have to come at the expense of drama or stakes! Imo it often enhances them.

I also feel there were a couple character notes given out before the finale got underway. One, make Capheus a blast and a half—dang you did it! He is so fun in “Season 3.” Sort of a return to how happy-go-lucky he was in S1 before the weight of the world really started coming down on his shoulders, but also just a little bit of a reconfiguring as well. He became super effusive, basically, the kind of person who immediately upon meeting him is going to sweep Felix up in his arms for a big laughing bear hug. He’s basically become the cluster’s wise himbo, if that’s not a contradiction in terms, and it’s a welcome energy.

The second was the reboot of Rajan back to the absurdly sweet goober he was in S1, something that allowed for a HUGE development to unfold, which we are at last gonna get to.

Rare for a male character, I appreciate that Rajan has gone through three distinct styling looks over these three seasons, which I will call The Hair, The Cut, and The Beard. 1 and 3 are good! Interestingly, Rajan the character is bad in S2 too—connection?? But honestly somehow Rajan had slid from being the crushingly sincere dreamboat who planned a whole dance number to do for his wife at their wedding, to this distracted pharma husband whom I was pretty certain was involved in whole scale political racketeering. The reveal that he was actually helping uproot some political racketeering does work I guess, but what works the most is having him show up in Paris in a little scarf being baffled while cradling scientific equipment someone’s handed him to his chest with both arms. Well this man is back to being adorable, I thought, and I am SO supportive.

The thing is, The Hair was always great, and The Beard is him but more. He’s kind, he’s funny (the only utterance of “My wife!” I have ever burst out laughing at), he’s usefully loaded, and he almost always meets new circumstances with that combination of curiosity, factual reasoning, and open-mindedness that I think of as a marker of all good scientists. It is no wonder to me at all that Kala spent the finale realizing she really does love this dude, nor after processing it for 1.5 seconds, am I at all surprised that Wolfgang was like wait hang on, can I like him too? Wolfgang Brogdanow, who has been turning his mouth towards the mouths of other men since Orgy 1, was so imminently suited to be like hey, now that I’ve met him and he’s fucking cute, a Thought: do you guys wanna party. What if we’re over the love triangle, what if the threesome is what we do.

AND SO THAT’S JUST WHAT WE DID. I whole-heartedly approve, wow suddenly I'm invested in Kala/Wolfgang now that it's this!! Plus Lito & Hernando decided to have some sexy make-out fun with Dani, a very hot and adorable choice as well.

Because Sense8 said OBVIOUSLYYY we’re ending with another big queer sense-orgy come on, come on. The final shot will be a pan over the newlywed lesbians’ discarded strap-on then a cut to “for our fans,” fuck yes and good NIGHT.

And a final round of loose notes I’d jotted down:

wait Neets has THREE dads??? I just thought she had two!

the thing is by this point I look at Wolfgang and am like, I’d give you a kidney

OBSESSED with the Ikea glass of water next to the blockers in the abandoned church

Hernando and Dani are having strawberry margaritas and Lito just walked out in a onesie

man, I should just try to be the Amanita I want to see in the world

“I’m not saying it’s not natural—though, let us remember that cancer is natural, so naturalism itself should not be considered a virtue—” Kala I love you

~*Iberian Dreams*~

forever entranced with Sun’s teacher handing her a carpetbag and saying he packed her some clothes, and then literally every new scene of her for the rest of the series she is wearing the coolest high end fashion piece you have ever seen in your life. sir!?

y’know what Brian J. Smith is doing a good job here, the boy’s been a wreck since the moment he entered the hallway

god every golden hour shot in India, the colors…

their crowd scenes are so intense because they really get the CROWD, and it FEELS different

every time Will tries to say he’s a cop…shhh honey please, shh no please

I *love* them all piling up together behind the car, the choREOgraphy

Kala like excuse me, can I just, and reaching right into Sun’s bra: we love it

OPENLY WEEPING OVER THIS NOMI/NEETS PROPOSAL

oh I was TRULY WONDERING if we were ever going to go back to how much Wolfgang loves singers but is afraid to sing! wow remember when it seemed like that was gonna be his thing.

Jonas would be reading Proust

me at a certified killer, armed: “Barefoot biscuit, this is never gonna work”

wait they’re finally speaking Hindi what the fuck!!

well at least it happened for a moment!

yeessss Dani

yeeeeeesssss Dani

fuck I love this show people are always saying shit like “I’m the Speaker of the Archipelago”

doing it at a club is delicious. Milton is literally leashed.

aww, I just realized our cluster is an orphan 😩

everything Max Mauff does with his body in this Wolfie reunion scene caused me to make a convulsive gesture with my hands. good show buddy, wow

my favorite Lila is no question Italy Endures Lila

Puck’s hair thing, is so weird, I’m obsESSED

honestly big ups to everyone’s boyfriends for their rapid up-take of this: Hernando, Rajan, Mun, Felix—this one’s for you, boys!

Wolfgang teaching Rajan through Kala and finding this oddly enjoyable…I don’t know if we skipped past the part where they’re all okay with it but I love the world where they’re all okay with it

I’m so glad we get to end this with a big gay wedding

a big gay wedding set to the Magnetic Fields??!? are you doing this to me right now!

the AMOUNT of poly threeways happening here!! I mean just two but that’s an astonishing number. out of six!! that’s a third!!

anyway everyone in this cluster is the guidance counselors from Caleb Gallo, but especially Lito and Hernando

Will: You guys are in like a three way…relationship? Lito: It’s called a throuple we’re in a throuple. Hernando: We’re in a gay-centric semi-nonsexual throuple with us and Daniela. Will: Will: What is— Hernando: It means we don’t have sex with her as often as we have sex with each other, but we do love her and she does live here and she’s in this relationship. Lito: She’s in this relationship.

(Kala, leaning forward from where Rajan and Wolfgang are nibbling each of her ears (they just cheerfully fall forward into the space she’s vacated to keep making out behind her): “Wait can you repeat this?”)

[alittlepudge-neverhurtnobody]

Okay so what about david stating to gain alot of weight quickly and everyones kinda worried but he's actually just really happy and comfortable in his relationship + probably finding out hes kinda into it

(And maybe even patrick not knowing so he gets a bit worried too)

Oh I love this!! (As you may know from following me) wg as a sign of recovery/happiness/comfort is one of my favorite tropes of all time so I would love to see this for David!! either gaining weight when he starts getting comfortable with Patrick once they’ve settled the whole barbecue/olive branch debacle, or I could also see like, David waiting until after the wedding bc he has Very Specific Visions of how things should look and also probably has had pieces of that outfit picked out since his old life and where is he going to find a tailor here he can trust to let out the seams without causing irreparable damage? waiting after the wedding and then deciding that he’s not dieting anymore. after the wedding, he can eat whatever he wants, no matter what it is, no matter how much, no matter how often. he gets to eat specifically because he wants to, no more restricting or holding himself back or switching out to a healthier option. and his metabolism is slowing down, his body is settling a little more as he settles down, and so he does gain a lot of weight quickly but he also isn’t worrying about it the way he used to because he feels secure enough to let his body change without fear that his partner is going to reject him for it. 

but of course David has a history of worrying about these things and handling them Uh Pretty Badly, so when he starts plumping up, everyone starts swooping in to check on him. Johnny and Moira trying to ask after his mental health in their own awkward, less-than-helpful ways (”so, son ... you know, sometimes ... when someone isn’t talking about something that’s bothering them ... it comes out in, ah, you know ... other ways, like maybe, ah, a lot of cheeseburgers at the cafe -- I mean, at a cafe -- and, you know, it might help that person to, ah, talk about it!” / “DaViD, I do hope your emotional entanglements are not imposing a hamper on your wellBeInG, lest we reprise your cognitive doldrums of two! thousand! and! fiiiive!”), Alexis fussing over him and offering him a little bit of the high-end moisturizer she treats herself to because it’s infused with sweet orange oil and it’s, like, so good at lifting your spirits, David, like, you will feel like a whole new person with just, like, the teeniest smidge, and suggesting little trips and excursions because she thinks something is wrong and wants to perk him up, despite David not actually ... seeming down. but in the past his weight gains have always been accompanied by a lot of shame and guilt and heartbreak and he guesses he sort of quietly did all the unlearning about that and it didn’t occur to anyone else to do so, because they’re all hovering over him and making kind little offers and trying to help him when he does not need it, thank you very much!!

(cue Stevie in the background having a pleasant but more-than-vaguely threatening conversation with Patrick because if she finds out that, say, he hid something else from David, or he’s upsetting David in some way, well, is Patrick aware that there are bodies buried on the motel grounds that no one has ever found? no? interesting ... ! but Patrick’s a little worried too, because he’s heard David talk about his body in the past and his language isn’t always ... the kindest? so he’s sort of treating David with kid gloves, trying not to patronize him but also not to cause some kind of body-image meltdown. he very carefully doesn’t say anything about food or David’s steadily climbing weight or his snug clothes, but he tries to go heavy on the casual touches and affection so David can at least be secure that Patrick is here for him for whatever’s going on.)

finally Alexis says something while she and David are out browsing at some very sad little indie mall, like, seventeen towns over and the way she says it, it could be about his perceived mental anguish or his weight, and he kind of snaps back at her and tells her he’s very happy with his body, and he’s very happy period, thanks so much, squinty unamused smile, and she just looks him up and down and goes, “well, duh, David, it’s not like getting fat is a bad thing, it’s just historically been a bad thing for you,” and tosses her hair and pushes a sweater into his hands before flouncing away like this is fully how she intended this conversation to go. the sweater is a 3x and not completely awful and David doesn’t even own anything in a 3x yet but somehow she intuited that it would fit perfectly? (in the car on the way home he has Sarah McLachlan on and Alexis hasn’t said a word to complain about it yet, which means something is up, and finally she runs her fingers through the ends of her hair and goes, like there was no break in their conversation at all, “okay but like, I think we all just thought it was, like, the birthday clown thing all over again, and you were just going to go radio silent for like six months and we would all be, like, highkey worried about you even if we only seemed lowkey worried about you or, like, not worried about you at all, and then you’d come out, like, four sizes bigger and be super mean to yourself for like another six months before you lost it all, and, like, none of us want to see that happen again, David. not because of the weight. because we care about you and we don’t want you to go through that again.” she sits back hard in her seat and punches the stereo dial. “also because you’re listening to Sarah what’s-her-name with all those sad puppy commercials and, like, that does not suggest a healthy mental state, David, ugh.” David lets that sink in for a few minutes. He smiles to himself. He lets Alexis change the music.

and when he and Patrick finally talk about it, David tells him that he really doesn’t need to worry, maybe gives him the rundown on the behaviors he actually SHOULD worry about if David ever starts exhibiting (which he can fact-check with Alexis, who’s apparently been keeping the score way more than David has given her credit for). he tells Patrick that it actually feels very freeing, letting himself get bigger and not policing what he eats anymore, and he’s never really been in a situation before where he felt secure and safe enough to be comfortable exploring that, and obviously he would love if Patrick wanted to sort of ... get involved, so to speak?? and even if it isn’t Patrick’s kink the way it’s David’s, Patrick is VERY down to love on David’s body and learn to appreciate it in the Extremely Specific ways David wants it appreciated. he can’t imagine a situation where more David would ever be a bad thing, so it’s super, super exciting to learn that not only does David agree, but plans to make sure that there’s going to be a lot more of him going forward now that they’re both on the same page.

(ALSO i’m really into the idea of David having been heavy before, but by circumstance rather than decision, and now taking this opportunity to explore being fat deliberately instead!! I threw some words together about it a while back and I’m gonna put them under a cut bc it does mention unwanted wg from meds and I’m not sure if that’s a trigger for anyone!)

Trim is relative, of course. He’s gained a whopping thirty-eight pounds since moving here a few years ago, and — it’s fine, he’s made his peace with it, he just likes things to be intentional, his body included. He’d mind those thirty-eight pounds much less if he had gained them by indulging himself, by enjoying treats he had chosen specifically for pleasure, rather than by stress-eating in his motel room.

He’s been heavy before — in his early twenties, he’d tried an antidepressant that hollowed out his appetite and added sixty pounds to his frame. He hadn’t stayed on it long, because it made him sick when he drank and he wasn’t in a place to give up drinking then, or even to cut back, but the weight had lingered for a good six months before he'd managed to shave it off with party drugs and an absolutely punishing workout regimen. It’s intentional, he told people when they asked about the weight, because they did ask and it always disarmed them. And although it wasn’t true, he’d let himself think sometimes about the possibility. He kind of liked being heavy. He kind of liked taking up space. He kind of liked jiggling. It made him feel like some sort of prince, indulgent and luxurious, the picture of wealth, and he thought that maybe he could have more-than-liked it, if it had just been something he’d chosen.

[stars-trash-18]

Hi boo!! I just saw your Paz request and I was wondering if I could sort of get a continuation of that.... like maybe after that Paz has started to call the reader “mesh’la” and the reader was gone longer than usual from a supply run but they’re back now and it’s just pure softness between Paz and them - @remmysbounty

I never wrote something so fast, because I found a bumping playlist that gave me the wind I needed to ACTUALLY finish it.

Ever since the training incident Paz continued to call you mesh’la, simply because it distracted you and Paz never misses a chance to mess with people. Even if his face secretly burns under that bucket every time you scrunch your face up in a blush, Paz adored that look on your face. You knew it meant beautiful, the only time you were called it was from the other pilots who wanted a short fling and creepy drunks at the cantina. So when the giant blue tin can who once held a blaster to your head called you beautiful with the softest voice you’ve ever heard the only thing you could do was let your face catch on fire from how quickly the blood raced to your face. 

But every time you wanted to talk to him about the training incident, he somehow weaseled away from you in what your friend told you was a , “Ba'slan shev'la,” a strategic disappearance. You tried for weeks to talk to him but every time he’d get away, he’s like the legends you heard about mandalorians, you don’t find them they find you. Even though he actively avoided you when you sought him out, he’d always pass you with a quick “morning mesh’la” and “be careful out there mesh’la”, the last one happening in front of most of the covert as they sent you off for one of your bigger supply runs. You never heard the end of it from your friends and the Armorer dragged you into an interrogation, the woman was worse than the gossiping aunties on Alderaan as she drilled you for any info and you could hear the gears turn in her head as she sized you up for a proposal dagger. 

But nonetheless your heart continued to skip a beat everytime the tin bucket called you that little pet name, the tone of voice changing with every meeting. You had conversations more frequently, even after Paz finished your training, and so long as you avoided the burning questions you wanted to ask you could enjoy his company.  This went on for months, and you would hear the nickname in your sleep.

You hoped you’d hear it again as you landed on some backwater planet crawling with ex-imps and spice dealers. The only reason you were here was to look for a hermit healer (ha say that 3x fast) who was the only one willing to sell a year long asthma treatment. One of the foundlings had severe asthma from living in the filthy Coruscant air, and even though medicine was advanced it was still expensive to get a long lasting treatment, and you were gonna be damned if a foundling went without.

You breathed in deeply and stepped out into the hangar, tossing a stack of credits to a nearby droid to care for your ship as you began trekking into the forest, following the coordinates of the healer’s last known location. 

=====>>> POV CHANGE AND TIME SKIP OF 3 WEEKS<<<======

Paz was sweating as he paced the Karyai, you had gone to get medicine for a foundling, a trip that normally took a week. But it’s been three weeks and not a single word from you. At first when you didn’t show they thought maybe you had gotten lost (you were good navigating the stars, but put you on foot and you’d get lost in a paper bag), by the second week those that had doubted your commitment to the covert spoke their scathing remarks about you (that was shut down after Paz punched one of them out cold). By the third week Paz wasn’t seen too far from the hangar, he was always pacing the length of it or working at his weapons bench at all hours, Paz simply couldn’t sleep worrying over you. The Armorer said if you were still gone after the fourth week mark then they could organize a search part, but because they were in hiding they needed to wait to make sure. 

Just when Paz was about to say screw it and go after you himself or send Din the proximity alarms went off. He immediately booked it to the hangar, the feeling in his gut telling him it was you, he could feel how his heart sang the only way it would when you were near him singing like when beskar hits beskar. The sweet song carrying him the 80 feet to the hangar, the volume increasing with every step he took towards you. 

=======> POV CHANGE<========

When he entered the hangar he saw your ship touching down, and when the ramp finally opened he was already running to reach you in the cockpit. You nearly had a heart attack when you saw the blur of blue heading straight for you, but the moment you felt warm muscular arms encircle you as you were lifted off the ground you felt at peace. Paz rested his helmet onto your shoulder and you could feel his breath puffing out from under the lip of it, and you could feel him truly relax as he slowly lowered you back onto the ground, where he rested his helmet onto your forehead so that he could look at you.

“You scared the hell out of me Mesh’la, thought I lost you,” he said as he rested a hand on the back of your neck so he could pull you closer into his embrace. You rested your hands on either side of his helmet, if it were anyone else Paz would have shot them, but it was you and he let you pull his head so that you could place a kiss onto his neck. To many it was a kiss that is sexual but to you and him it was the only place you could place a kiss onto his skin, and it caused Paz to practically purr 

“Paz you never would have lost me, I never told you I love you yet,” you said, after the ordeal you went through you weren’t going to hesitate anymore. You weren’t going to let these feelings and words go unspoken, you had suffered enough in life that if there was a chance you can put something good into it you were going to jump. That good thing just so happened to be covered in blue beskar and had the greatest hugs you had ever felt.

Paz went rigid, at first you panicked thinking he was going to reject you before you could hear the words whispered into your hair, “Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum,”. He pulled away from you to look into your face before he pressed the button to close the ramp and moved his hands to either side of his helmet. It was almost an instinct for you to squeeze your eyes shut and look away, but when you heard the clang of his helmet hitting the floor you felt his hands rest on either side of your face. 

“If you don’t want this mesh’la tell me now and I will back away, but if you do when I kiss you open your eyes,” He said, his words causing you to gasp and latch your hands onto his wrists.

“Paz are you sure?” You asked, your breathing picking up at the anxiety building on this life changing decision. You felt his thumb brush your cheeks to soothe you before you felt his forehead lean against your’s, finally relaxing at the contact to his skin on your’s in the familiar Keldabe Kiss.

“I want you mesh’la, and only you so when you open your eyes I will marry you here and now because for three weeks I only thought of you and the thought of spending another moment without you sounds unbearable,” he said before hesitantly brushing his lips onto yours, to give you time to pull away.

But you didn’t, and with a final sigh you leaned fully into the kiss and fluttered your eyes open to look upon the face of the only man who made you sing with happiness. In that moment both of your hearts sang the song of beskar, you both finally finding the only person the other’s heart would ever sing to.

[trensu]

Episode 23: the One where JYL Captains the Ship

Alrighty, so battle stuff is happening

Nothing major going on 

EXCEPT wen ruohan leaves his evil lair to confront wwx about how he took control of his puppets!

Wrh: where did you get the Plot Device?? Did xy give it to you?? HOW ARE YOU MAKING IT WORK??

Basically just Angry Ranting that Bad Guys do

Wwx mouths off, as usual

Lwj’s eyes are glued on him this entire time bc when isn’t staring at wwx?

(I understand lwj, I too cannot tear my eyes away from wwx when he's onscreen, that beauty mark just under his lower lip is so goddamn distracting...)

Wwx: hey, wrh, i just finished making his nifty thing and haven’t shown anyone yet, wanna see it?

And tah dah! We now have Plot Device 2 (aka stygian tiger seal/amulet whatever)

Pay attention to Plot Device 2, guys, it’s gonna cause us some angsty wangxiantics in the future (BRACE YOURSELVES)

Pausing here to point out how freaking cool wwx looks, levitating the pieces of Plot Device 2

OH NO, WEN RUOHAN IS NOW CHOKING WWX

THAT’S NOT ALLOWED!!

STOP HURTING MY SUNSHINE BOY

And wwx is smirking in victory?? What the heck wwx

Oh, it’s bc since wrh and wwx are wrapped up in their confrontation, there’s no one controlling the puppets so the puppets all collapse. That was part of his plan, maybe?? Idk, doesn’t matter

What matters is that this frees up LWJ to fly to wwx’s side

WHICH MEANS THAT LWJ IS THERE TO CATCH WWX ONCE WRH DROPS HIM!!

Lwj: Wei Ying! *catches his soulmate*

Wwx: *passes out in the arms of his very dashing soulmate*

Lwj barely even acknowledges that Meng Yao kills Wen Ruohan bc who cares about the big bad villain getting killed whEN YOUR SOULMATE IS PASSED OUT IN YOUR ARMS??

Lwj: Wei Ying

He says again! As his eyes stay glued onto wwx’s beautiful unconscious face. HE HOLDS HIM SO CLOSE

I mean, he could totally hold him CLOSER but that would be too much for the censors maybe??

Ppl are cheering. I was cheering. I don’t think we were cheering for the same reasons.

I was cheering bc lwj was ~tenderly cradling~ our beautiful sunshine boy

I think the other ppl were cheering bc the bad guy died? Weird.

LOL, DEJA VU MOMENT HERE

Lxc is cradling an unconscious Nmj

I guess the lan bros ARE pretty similar lolol

Boring stuff. Plot stuff. OMG I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY MENG YAO, SHUT UP.

Ahhhh, this next scene!

WWX is waking up in a bed and jyl is at the bedside.

Jyl starts bringing out the wangxian pie~! Maybe i should start using soup metaphors since Soup is her Thing…

Jyl is so happy that wwx is awake now!!

Jyl: you’ve been asleep for three (3) days!

Wwx: THREE DAYS??? What about jc and lwj??

HE IMMEDIATELY ASKS ABOUT THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT GUYS IN HIS LIFE, I LOVE MY SUNSHINE BOY.

Jyl: both jc and lwj have been very worried about you! 

We find out that even sect leader jin has been visiting which is disgusting, so we’re ignoring it

Oh, jyl is trying to get wwx to stop moving around so much

Jyl: LWJ says you need to rest more. He says you used too much spiritual energy

LWJ HAS BEEN KEEPING TRACK OF HIM THIS WHOLE TIME

JYL TRUSTS HIM TO TAKE CARE OF HER LITTLE BROTHER!!!

Jyl: also don’t use Plot Device 2 all willy-nilly. LWJ says it’ll hurt you!!

Wwx: LWJ, LWJ, why do you keep talking about him? He’s so boring and he doesn’t talk enough!

BUT HE SAYS THIS WITH A CUTE LITTLE FOND SMILE

BC THINKING ABOUT LWJ MAKES HIM HAPPY

BOYYYYY

YOUR CRUSH CAN BE SEEN FROM PRESENT-DAY NON-FANTASY CHINA (but, uh, discreetly, bc of censorship)

Jyl: while you were comatose, lwj came by every morning and evening to play his guqin for you. To relax your mind and spirit

Jyl: you probably wouldn’t have woken up so soon if he hadn’t done that

AHHHHHHH THIS NEXT SCENE!!!!!

JYL IS JUST SPOONFEEDING US WANGXIAN PIE NOW

SHE’S GIVING US A BIG OL’ HELPING OF WANGXIAN PIE HERE!! WHICH IS GREAT BC I AM STARVING

Here comes lwj, with his guqin strapped to his back!

Lwj actually brings himself to knock on the door this time

SEE, THAT WASN’T SO HARD, WAS IT LWJ?? WHY COULDN’T YOU DO THAT BEFORE??

Jyl: oh, that must be lwj~!

ohhh, wwx's face when she says this! He looks all nervous and flustered

bc he has a ~gentleman caller~ and he’s not decent!!! 

HE’S ONLY IN HIS ENTICING RED UNDER-ROBES!! IN BED!! AND LWJ IS VISITING!!

Okay, that’s probably not why BUT IN MY HEART THAT’S TOTALLY WHY

So jyl goes and answers the door

Lwj bows so respectfully to her (he knows she’s wwx’s precious person!!)

LOL, I LOVE HOW JYL DOESN’T MENTION THAT WWX IS AWAKE HERE

THAT’S MY CAPTAIN!! Lxc wishes he could captain as good

she just greets him like usual and lets him in

HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT’S WAITING FOR HIM INSIDE

IT’S AMAZING, JYL IS THE BEST

She leads him to the bedroom aND OH GOD, THE MINUTE LWJ’S EYES LAND ON WWX

HIS LIPS PART AS IF HIS BREATHING HITCHED IN HIS THROAT

HIS EYES NOTICEABLY WIDEN IN SURPRISE 

THERE’S A SLIGHT PAUSE IN HIS STEPS!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE’S SUPER EXPRESSIVE HERE GUYS 

(...well, by lwj standards anyway)

And ooooh, wwx’s reaction is adorable!!

His eyes catch lwj’s gaze for half a second before they skitter down to the side as if seeing lwj in person (in his bedroom!!) is too much to take in all at once!

HE’S SO FLUSTERED?? HIS EYES ARE FLICKERING TO AND FRO TRYING TO LOOK AT ANYTHING BUT LWJ. 

HE’S SO NERVOUS IT’S ADORABLE I CAN’T HANDLE IT

(i may have rewound to watch this scene 3x, DON’T JUDGE ME)

(there was so much happening! Lwj’s beautiful plush lips parted, wwx was acting cutely bashful)

(WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT, HUH? JUST WATCH IT ONCE AND MOVE ON?? I DON’T THINK SO)

And you know, jyl leads lwj like, right to wwx’s bedside and WATCHES ALL THIS GO DOWN

YOU KNOW SHE NOTICED ALL THESE THINGS TOO

I’M NOT A CRAZY PERSON HERE

Jyl: thank you, lwj! Without you, wwx would not have woken up so soon!

Jyl: you two go ahead and talk now

Jyl: i’ll just go tend to the other wounded

Jyl: and leave you both here ~all alone~

Jyl: in this bedroom

Jyl: with wwx just in his under-things

Jyl: still on his rumpled bed

Jyl: okay, byyyyeee~!

(LXC AND JYL NEED TO HANG OUT AND TALK ABOUT THEIR LITTLE BROTHERS AND HOW HOPELESS THEY ARE AROUND EACH OTHER)

(THIS IS A THING THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN)

Okay, and now not only do we get MORE wangxian time, we also just get the most beautiful scene ever?? Like, aesthetically? THIS SHOW IS A BLESSING

Lwj is playing his guqin in the communal area next to wwx

The music is gorgeous (it's the same Magic Music from before! it sounds like warm morning sunlight on a calm spring day)

And the set is beautiful, all reds and whites to match our boys’ colors, and it’s all emphasized with equally beautiful lighting

Wwx: lan zhan, actually, i--

Lwj: quiet. Concentrate.

Wwx POUTS and taps his nose and then SULKILY crosses his legs

HE’S THE MOST ADORABLE BOY IN THE WORLD AND I LOVE HIM

IF LWJ WOULDN’T MURDER ME IMMEDIATELY, I’D GO AND PROPOSE TO WWX RIGHT NOW

ACTUALLY I’D PROBABLY DO IT ANYWAY

I’VE LIVED A GOOD LIFE, I PROBABLY WON’T ACCOMPLISH MUCH ELSE WITH IT. IT’S TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Ahem

Back to the utterly breathtaking wangxian scene

No seriously, EVERYTHING IS SO GORGEOUS?

ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL SHOTS

THE CLOSE UP ON THE FLOWERS

THE UNFOCUSED SHOTS THROUGH THE HANGING SCREENS

THE LIGHTING THE COLORS THE MUSIC

LWJ IN HIS PHENOMENAL WHITE OUTFIT AND WWX IN HIS INDECENT RED ROBES

IT ALL ADDS UP TO THIS SYRUPY DREAMY SCENE THAT’S JUST, UGH, DRIPPING WITH TENDERNESS AND ROMANCE

IT’S TOO MUCH IT’S TOO MUCH

Okay, i’m done geeking out over the aesthetics

Oh, wwx is breaking his meditation pose and flexing his wrists excitedly!

Wwx: lan zhan, i’m all better now!

Lwj stops playing and calmly makes his way to the bed where wei ying is and checks him

Lwj: three more days are needed

Wwx does not like this answer lol. He leaps up from the bed all affronted

Wwx: but i’m totally fine now, look! *starts flexing his arms around*

Lwj is not budging on this tho

Lwj: exorcise evil, ease the mind. Do not be neglectful

Wwx: exorcise evil? I don’t need an exorcism!! I just used too much energy

Cue awkward silence (lwj’s eyes never waver from wwx tho)

Lwj: wei ying (you know, i think he just likes saying his name...)

Wwx: lan zhan, do you really think that Plot Device 2 is evil? Do you really believe there’s an undetectable something that can change someone from good to evil?

Ooooh, wwx is getting all philosophical on us!!

His brow is all furrowed here; he’s hurt that lwj doesn’t trust him with Plot Device 2!

And that’s the end of that MOST DELICIOUS SLICE WANGXIAN PIE

Other stuff happens

Screaming, the murder of innocent people, sect leaders debating on said murder of innocent people

You know, boring stuff.

There was a fun bit here tho

Nmj: maybe it’s okay to kill innocent civilians…

Lxc: *sad face*

Nmj: uh, maybe we can NOT kill defenseless people this time?

Ahhh, if only lan zhan’s sad face was effective on wei ying as lxc’s is to nmj…

Plot plot plot Jgs being an asshole Plot plot plot

MORE plot plotty plot plot

OH NO

WE’RE ON A CLIFF IN NIGHTLESS CITY

THAT CLIFF WE DON’T LIKE

THAT REALLY REALLY HORRIBLE AWFUL NO GOOD CLIFF

AND WWX IS STANDING CLOSE TO THE EDGE OF IT GET AWAY FROM THERE WWX, GET AWAY RIGHT NOW

And now lwj joins him

Wwx: lan zhan, what do you think of the people here? Who is good, who is evil?

Yeesh, getting right into the heavy stuff aren’t we

Like, nbd, i’m just gonna compLETELY CHANGE YOUR WORLDVIEW AND TEACH YOU SHADES OF GRAY (AGAIN)

Oooh, but as he says that, he starts clutching at his chest and swaying on his feet! Bc the resentful energy is hurting him!!!

Lwj grabs his arm to steady him

Lwj: wei ying, concentrate

Great, it’s about to get real hurt-y now

Lwj: wei ying, do you want to learn how to play Magic Music?

Wwx: lan zhan, you want me to learn that? Do you doubt me, too?

And the way he says it!! It’s a tone that says “please don’t let this be true”

BUT LWJ LOOKS AWAY AND FLASHBACKS TO WHAT WRH WAS RANTING ABOUT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EP

WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT LWJ. WHY.

So instead of answering wwx, he just questions him on why he made Plot Device 2???

THAT IS THE WRONG APPROACH LWJ

THAT WILL NOT GET YOU WHAT YOU REALLY WANT 

Wwx: lan zhan, if i told you i got a Screaming Sword of Resentment from the Murder Turtle would you believe me?

Lwj keeps answering questions with questions and the whole convo is devolving horribly

Lwj: if you already knew the sword had Plot Device stuff in it, why did you refine it?

Wwx: LAN ZHAN, ENOUGH

he snaps at lwj

he raised his voice at lwj

Lwj: you promised you’d let me help you (he says calmly)

Wwx: if you don’t believe in me, how can you help me?

OUCH

Lwj: Plot device 2 isn’t safe, you might lose control!

Wwx: you’re scared i’ll be like wen ruohan, but i’m not him! And Plot Device 2 is not the same as Plot Device!

And then before we can get too emotional about our soulmate boys being at odds (AGAIN), we get to witness the murder of innocent people

How fun

Jin Zixun shows us he’s scum of the earth by trying to shoot down a Wen mother carrying her child as she flees

Thank goodness lwj guqin’s the arrow away

There’s a confrontation but lwj doesn’t let wwx tear into jin zixun even tHO HE CLEARLY DESERVES IT

And everyone leaves but not before wwx comments that there’s gonna be a lot of resentment here where the innocents were killed and that the place needed Magic Music 

Oh, turns out lwj didn’t leave

Lwj stays at the scene of the crime and plays Magic Music on his guqin.

As soon as wwx hears it, he starts playing counterpoint on his flute!

I love it when they play music together, Magic or not!!

We cut away here to watch lxc, nmj, and jgy become Official Bros™

BORING

Now Jgs and jgy are hosting a banquet

STILL BORING

Political posturing happens

SO BORING

Wait, something interesting just happened!

We see lwj just up and leave the banquet the moment he realizes wwx isn’t there

Bc wwx is out on the steps getting drunk

(wwx, we’ve talked about this. Drinking is not a Solution)

Wwx: lan zhan, it’s you! How about playing some Magic Music? (I'm detecting some sarcasm…)

Lwj: i’m learning a new score

Wwx: *scoffs* you haven’t given up yet? You’re really stubborn *mocking snort*

STOP BEING MEAN, WWX

That’s the last bit of wangxiantics we have for this episode

JYL GAVE US SUCH A GREAT MOMENT AND WE ENDED UP AT ODDS AGAIN

IT’S A WHOLE "ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK" SITUATION

I DON’T LIKE IT

Return to Masterpost

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Can you do something where y/n has never fingered herself or been fingered by anyone else because shes just so nervous and H convinces her to let him do it? (Btw I’ve read you entire masterlist at least 3x over... literal ART)

ONCE AGAIN I GOT SOOOO CARRIED AWAY BUT THE SMUT IS GOOD:D

Can you do something where y/n has never fingered herself or been fingered by anyone else because shes just so nervous and H convinces her to let him do it?

It’s not the opportunities haven’t come up before, Y/N has one now actually… her date, Brendan is kissing down her neck and she’s enjoying it. She feels her tummy prickling with nerves and her skin heating at the thought of finally getting some release, but as his hands start rubbing gently at her inner thigh, attempting to pry her legs open a bit further she just snaps. The nerves overwhelm her and she suddenly feels anxiety and not anticipation. She feels insecure and scared that maybe he’ll push her too far and she’ll do something she’ll regret.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait.” She whispers, pushing his head back a bit, she’s panting and trying to move his hand from her thigh.

“What is it?” Brendan asks, his lips puckering to kiss at the pout forming on her own lips. However, she turns her head a bit, his kiss smearing against the corner of her mouth and her eyes flutter shut to ward off the nerves, but it’s just getting worse.

“Okay, I can’t do this. Sorry, I need to go.” She stood abruptly. Brendan, scoffed in disbelief. They’d been out at least eight times and she’d postponed this at least three times. She felt a little bad for it, but not too much because she just wasn’t ready.

“Seriously, again?” He asked, standing slowly and she looked from him to the ground.

“I’m sorry, I told you that I was a virgin and that I got really anxious about this kind of stuff. I’m just not ready.” She said and he shook his head.

“Do you not trust me?” He asked with disappointment and she couldn’t even meet his eyes, he sighed loudly, “Have I done something to-”

“No, not all!” She said walking over to him, “I just- this is hard for me and I mean, it takes a lot to get through my walls and I am trying-”

“So you don’t trust me?” He restated and she frowned and that was all he needed to confirm his accusation, “If you don’t trust me, what’s the point of continuing see you. I want to keep trying and you can be so stand offish. As much as I want to keep getting to know you I just can’t be with someone who’s known me for nearly a year and can’t trust me.” He said and she frowned, “If you want to go I can drop you off.” He said sadly and she shook her head, holding back some tears.

“I’ll find my own way, thanks.” She said quietly and hurried out of his apartment.

The walk to hers was only about 15 minutes and she needed it, she had plenty to think about. Luckily the sun was just about to set and there was a slight breeze blowing through the trees that helped keep her emotions at bay. She liked Branden a lot and she’d been hoping he had an interest in her. Her roomie Harry, was very supportive of her venturing out to meet new people, had been since college. So she was a bit nervous thinking about explaining to himwhy she wouldn’t be seeing Branden anymore. As she took the elevator up to her floor she took a few deep breaths, mentally preparing for the questions she would surely be asked.

It really didn’t take more than a minute after she walked past his bedroom for him to call her into his room. So she set her things down and headed in, getting comfortable beside him. “How was everything with Branden?” He asked and Y/N sighed loudly.

“Well he ended it because I don’t trust him enough to be physical with him yet. He was very offended that we’ve been friends for like a year and I still don’t trust him enough.” She explained and Harry rolled his eyes.

“What a fucking prick. It’s not like you never would, you just need to get comfortable around him and then it’ll happen naturally. There’s no sign from heaven or way to rush it, when it’s right it just flows, you know?” And she gnawed on her lip nervously. “Right, fuck sorry.” He mumbled.

“S’alright. Like I get really nervous about it and I psych myself out and then it gets uncomfortable for the other person. I just, ‘dunno?” She shrugged, “Just haven’t really found someone I am 100% comfortable with to get that far.” She said and he nodded.

“Well you take your time, I think it’s more enjoyable when you’re comfortable with your partner. You shouldn’t feel pressure, maybe the nerves will never go away, I mean, that’s natural…” he shrugged, “But yeah, trust isn’t something that builds at a certain pace and Branden is an ass for getting upset at you for not fully trusting him.” He stated firmly and Y/N smiled at his reassurance of her.

“Well since we’ve both had shitty days and no love lives maybe we should get wine drunk and watch Titanic.” She said, resting on his chest and he squeezed around her waist and hummed in agreement before pulling them both back to fall onto the mattress.

“In five minutes.” He mumbled and she just got comfy against him and they just lay in silence.

*********

It had been nearly a month after her debacle with Branden and Y/N had decided it was time to get over her fear. If anyone else was to become acquainted with her body she had to become acquainted with it first. Sure, she’s had a rub off every now and again, but it never really ended in anything extraordinary. At this point she wasn’t even sure she’d had an orgasm! She really only had trusted two people with the information of her virginity, her best friends, Molly & Harry. However, with Molly being a girl she figured she could ask her about the topic more, although she knew Harry was well acquainted with the female body, she felt more comfortable asking Molly. It was still awkward, but she brought it up anyway.

“Hey so ummm, you know how I freaked out on Brendan?” Molly nodded along, continuing to do her makeup as they got ready for a night out, “Well, don’t judge me,” she started nervously, putting down her eyeshadow brush, “But ummm, I was thinking that maybe I’m so anxious because I’ve never even done that to myself, like-”

“You’ve never gotten yourself off?” Molly looked to her, eyes a bit wide through the mirror. Y/N’s face burned red with embarrassment, “I’m not judging you, I’m just shocked is all.” She said quickly and Y/N sighed.

“It’s not like I haven’t wanted to… I mean, believe me I’ve tried…” she said softly, “I just-maybe I’m not doing it right?” She chuckled in embarrassment, “I just figure that if I get comfortable with myself and figure out what works for me then maybe it won’t be so difficult to let someone else do it. TMI, but I’ve only ever rubbed, haven’t tried putting anything in.”

“Well have you finished?” Asked Molly, face creased in concern.

“I don’t know…” Y/N huffed pathetically and Molly sighed.

“Oh girl, if you had, you’d know.” She hummed and Y/N frowned, “So what’s the problem? Like does it take too long and you give up?”

“Yeah, kinda… like obviously, if I’m trying, I’m turned on, so then I like start, right? And I don’t know, I just get really nervous that Harry’ll hear or my neighbors… then I start losing it and it just fizzles. I last all of like five minutes trying to get myself off and I just can’t seem to get to it. It’s so annoying!” She whined, clearly exasperated.

“Oh, okay. Well maybe if it’s just not you and your thoughts you’d be able to fixate more on the pleasuring aspect. Have you tried porn to stay in the mood? I know it’s not necessarily something girls resort to usually, but if your mind is wandering having that plot and that building of tension might help give your alone time some direction.”

“Oh, I’ve never thought of that…” she said and Molly nodded.

“Well that’s an option. If you watch some guided videos they explain what to do. I must admit I watched some for handies and blowies when my first boyfriend and I started doing things, so I’m sure they have some for women. Then there’s toys. I mean, maybe a toy is a more intrusive method, but that can also keep you turned on, a vibrator or something? Doesn’t have to be a didlo or anything.” She said and Y/N nodded.

“I think I should try the video thing? Maybe I’m doing it wrong or something? I could definitely use some guidance.” She admitted.

“Well I hope it works out.” Molly said with a shy smile and Y/N nodded a bit awkwardly, but she was glad that Molly had been helpful.

Now it would just be figuring out a time when she’d had the house to herself and be able to figure it out. She was a bit frustrated, it was that time in her cycle where literally everything was turning her on and she just wanted to get this over with sooner rather than later. As they planned, they went out and had a couple drinks, played a few rounds of darts. She’d spoken to Harry who confirmed he was going to be working most of the next day (also why he turned down the invitation to go out) and with that confirmed  it seemed the stars had aligned in her favor and under the influence of her beverages she decided to text her boss (despite it being 10:30 at night) and letting her know that she had come dow with some sort of stomach bug and wouldn’t be able to come in the next day. She was going to finally get herself off and successfully this time.

*********

Y/N was usually gone by the time Harry was leaving for work, so it was odd that her shoes were still lined up by the door beside his. He headed back towards their rooms and tapped on her door a few times until he heard the faint ‘Come in!’ And he peered into her room.

“Hey, no work today?” He inquired and she shook her head.

“I’ve got a stomach thing going on, maybe something I ate yesterday?” She fibbed and he frowned.

“Oh m’sorry. I’m off t’work, but I’ll see you later, yeah?”

“Okay, bye. Have a good day!” She called after him and soon he was gone.

It was taking Y/N some time to bring herself to do what she’d set out to do on this day. She was excited, but at the same time that excitement would feed into the nerves of maybe failing or still not feeling as good as everyone made sexual experiences to be. So she cuddled around for a bit, had some breakfast, watched a film… and finally around eleven she decided to search the web for a video that looked suitable for her to get off with. It’d been an hour until she found one that didn’t look too instructional nor too staged, and with a deep breath she played a random one that caught her eye just to try and get a bit more in the mood.

Just a few miles away Harry had been having an awfully busy day, but despite that, his mind was stuck on Y/N who’d stayed home sick. He was worried because Y/N never got sick. She was the type that had a stomach of steel and took her flu shot as soon as it became available, and she was the one who introduced him to shots of wheatgrass, and ginger chewy candy (for when he started to feel a bit scratchy in the throat). The fact that she’d stayed home meant she was ill. He looked at the time, 12:30, he was supposed to go to lunch with a coworker… he found himself wandering over to the girl’s desk and explaining that his roomie was sick and he wanted to make sure she was alright. He had some leftover pizza from the night before anyway, so with that he grabbed his keys and made the short drive over to their apartment.

********

By the time Y/N got around to even getting her panties off it had been nearly another hour, but she was a lot more wet than every other time and it wasn’t so much the images, it was more the sounds these actors would make that kept her turned on and made her hungrier for a release. She quickly switched over to the instructional video and skipped the talking bit, getting to the part where it was zoomed in on some stranger’s privates and the guy’s hand was at her thigh. She swallowed the lump in her throat and followed along when he said to tease the clit first. As soon as the tips of her fingers rubbed over the little mound her walls clenched tight from the sensitivity, she followed along with his instruction to drag her arousal from her entrance and up around the little bud, making her fingers glide with more ease. And she rubbed at her self, keeping a rhythm that was pleasing for her, as the man said.

Y/N started feeling her tummy fluttering in a way that had never occurred before. When her movements started picking up speed a soft moan involuntarily flew past her lips as she built herself up. She was feeling incredible, she watched with hazy as the man spoke up again.

“Now that you’ve teased and started edging, it’s time to find the g-spot. Essentially, this is the inner part of the clitoris.” He said, “Bring a finger or two, or more, whatever your partner is comfrotable with, to the entrance…” she followed along, realizing that it’d be easier to be out of the covers for this bit. So she shuffled around until she kicked her legs out of the covers, and sat up against the headboard, knees bent a bit for a better reach, half-paying attention and just anxious to slip a finger inside herself.

This time around she was more impatient to just do it. Her nerves were there, but the need to feel something, anything inside was far greater than that, she she let a deep breath out and just slowly worked her finger into herself, biting on her lip, it wasn’t so bad, the nerves dissipating once she realized that her finger was no bigger than a tampon and it wasn’t painful or odd, twisting and pumping it in and out as she was instructed actually felt really nice.

“When you start using your fingers, you can simultaneously use your tongue on your partner’s body, or even make it interactive, ask her to play with her breasts, nipples, to clit.” He said and her eyes fluttered shut as she imagined just how good this would feel if someone was tonguing at her nipples of clit. She whimpered softly when she was instructed to go a bit deeper, “Good, now rub against her walls as you work your way up,” she did so, shuttering as she clenched around herself, “When you feel a sort of raised area, curve your finger against it, sort of like in a ‘come here’ motion and you’ve found the g-spot.” He said. Y/N bit her lip as she followed along, and gasped immediately, “Work that spot rhythmically and simultaneously rub on her clit, this will more than likely bring her to orgasm.” He said and Y/N shakily brought her left hand to her clit, a bit frustrated because it wasn’t as agile as her right, but it was working her chest was rising and falling quickly, tingles shooting through her body. She felt a bit worried when images of Harry started coming to her mind, at first she tried to ward them off, but after they kept making their way back she just honed in on it. On him and the idea of him bringing her to the brink.

Harry quietly made his way into the apartment incase Y/N was asleep. He had gone to get her a simple broth to help settle her stomach. He was setting it down on the counter when he heard a pained cry of sorts from down the hall and his brows furrowed in confusion. He started making his way down the hall and towards her room when he heard something else…

“Oh fuck!” This time it sounded more tortured and in his worry that maybe she was hurt or in extreme pain he rushed towards her bedroom and threw the door open only to see her with her hands on her pussy and in seconds they were both shouting in horror and embarrassment. He was frozen in his spot, trying so hard to leave his eyes trained on her face and not follow where her hands were.

“GET OUT!” She shrieked in horror and he turned around quickly and bolted out of the room, pulling the door knob with him and she stood quickly following behind him. Both of them crashed their backs into her door. Y/N’s eyes were welling up with tears of embarrassment and Harry was just shocked, he wasn’t sure if he had second hand embarrassment or if he wanted to laugh, but in the mix of those two things his face started melding into one of worry as he felt his cock start to stiffen in his pants.

“Fuck.” He muttered, bringing his hands up to cover his face as he tried to rid his mind of the images, but they were seared into his mind.

“Harry what the fuck?! Do you not knock?!” She shouted through the door and he huffed, standing, adjusting his pants at the crotch.

“I thought you were hurt or in pain or something! Fuck… I thought you were ill!” He shouted back.

“Who shouts ‘Oh fuck’ when they’re in pain?!” She shouted back angrily, more at herself for allowing herself to get off to him, how could she even?

“My mate did at the dorms when he got appendicitis! That’s the first thing my mind went to because you’d said your stomach hurt and that can happen and I was worried!” He defended his actions and well, she couldn’t blame him for worrying.

“Why are you even here? You’re supposed to be working!” She shouted.

“I wanted to bring you some broth for your stomach… Fuck, I’m so sorry!” He called and she did not respond, shaking her head and feeling her face boiling with embarrassment at what she’d been caught doing. Good thing he couldn’t read her thoughts or she’d be fucked. Soon enough she started feeling the urge to laugh, obviously out of awkwardness, then she frowned when she realized she was so close to cumming, she knew she was, she could have done it, now who knows when she’d attempt masturbating again, “Are you alright?” He asked more softly this time, his forehead resting on the wood, she was in the exact same position as him, just on the other side of the door.

“No.” She huffed in annoyance.

“Why?” He asked and she let her eyes flutter closed.

“Because I was about to have the first orgasm of my life and you ruined it.” She admitted. It was ironic really, he was bringing it about and then shutting it down. Harry felt his trousers beginning to tighten at the crotch again, “So close.” She sighed to herself, eyes fluttering closed.

“I’m so sorry… I know this is a huge deal for you. S’that why you called off?” He asked.

“Yep.” she said and he frowned, feeling awful for fucking it up for her.

“Shit, I’m really sorry, Y/N.”

“S’alright, I guess it wasn’t meant to happen this way.” She mumbled.

“Well, ummm I’m gonna go back to work I’ll uh-see you later?” He said and she bit her lip.

“Think I’ll be moved to a new country by the time you get back.” She joked, trying to lighten the mood and it worked, he did chuckle and called out one last goodbye.

After ten minutes of waiting around she had put on some bottoms, closed out the porn videos, and even took to clearing her browser history, she wanted to forget that this had even happened in the first place. She was mortified and completely wrecked knowing that Harry more than likely saw her vagina… she wanted to cry, laugh, and fling herself from her window simultaneously, her life was one big, fucking joke.

*********

Harry was wary of even entering the apartment when he got back, he let himself in and peeked in before stepping inside fully and slipping out of his shoes. It smelled like Chinese take out and he was hungry now that the scent had wafted into his face. He also heard the TV on, and was actually a bit surprised to see Y/N splayed out on the couch with a styrofoam box and some chopsticks sitting on the coffee table in front of her. Upon seeing him enter she glanced up and offered a small smile, which he returned. He felt so badly about this afternoon, he knew how huge it was for her to be attempting to even do anything sexually especially after what had happened in the recent past.

“May I?” He asked, eying the spot beside her and she just curled her legs up to give him space to sit.

“Got you some noodles and kung pao.” She said eyeing the bag towards the center of the coffee table.

“Thanks, love.” He said and she smiled, turning back to the TV. They watched TV in silence as he ate and even let a few episodes of Sponge Bob play out without an exchange of words. Things were super weird right now, but he didn’t want them to stay like that. This was so contrary to how they usually were and he couldn’t even image the amount of embarrassment she felt even now, so once it went to commercial he cleared his throat and spoke up.

“Look, I ummm- Fuck, I’m so sorry about today I ummm- I know that this is something quite big for you and I just wanted to say that you shouldn’t not try again just because I fucked it up for you this once.” He expressed, “Like, this is natural yeah and nothing to be ashamed of and yeah, I can imagine how you’re feeling, having been walked in on m’self as a teen, it is pretty shitty, but we have needs and you shouldn’t be ashamed of that.” He finished and she smiled.

“Thanks, H. I mean… it might be a while before I try again just because of the trauma and all…” they both giggled, “But yeah, I mean I did feel mortified for a bit and then realized that while it’s an embarrassing position to be found in, it is nothing to be embarrassed of and I will try again sometime.” She confirmed.

“So you’re not upset and moving away to another country anymore?” He asked as she extended her legs onto his lap, things falling sort of back to normal.

“Of course m’upset, I had found my fucking g-spot just then!” She whined and he chuckled, his tummy fluttering at her confession, “You’re gonna have to make up for that somehow.” She shrugged, “Now m’gonna have to watch that instructional porn all over again.” She huffed and he chuckled.

“You watched an instructional video?” He asked chuckling and she glared at him.

“I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing I need all the help I can get. And instructional porn videos are free help.” She informed and he chuckled before gnawing on his lip a bit. If help was what she needed…. He cleared his throat as soon as the thought crossed his mind.

“Right, well you let me know how I can make up for ruining your first ever almost orgasm.”

“You bet I will. Now shush, Fairly Odd Parents is about to start.”

********

It had been three weeks since he walked into her and still Harry had not been able to shake it from his mind. He must admit that he’s already had four wanks over Y/N (now a fifth), which he has thought about doing before, but never actually gone through with it. But he just couldn’t help himself, the moans flowing from her mouth, the way she was working so hard… the fact that she really just wanted to cum. He could give that to her easily. His fantasy consisted of his face between her legs, fingers buried in her pussy to the knuckle, not even struggling to reach that spot that she needed to watch a video to find. In his fantasy she would moan his name and tell him that he was doing an amazing job, and what brought him to the brink every time was when he’d imagine her whimpering, “Fuck Harry, I’m gonna cum!”.

“Fuck, baby girl, s’fucking good.” He whispered hoarsely as his fist slid up and down his cock at the same rhythm in which he was imagining his fingers pounding into her, “Mmmm, Y/N, fuuuck.” He groaned quietly as he focused his movements onto the tip of his cock until warm and sticky white ribbons were streaming down his fist. “Shit.” He panted as he let his hand fall against his tummy and as he unclenched the other from his sheets.

He was in a very deep hole. They’d been friends forever and not once has he ever fantasized about her or looked at her in a way that was more than platonic. Yeah, she was pretty, but she was Y/N, his friend. He felt awful about having wanks over her, but then he’d walk out and see her in her panties or little shorts, bending into the fridge to grab something. Or she’d be really sweet towards him, like make him breakfast or get him a shirt because it was so him and he just had to have it. So yeah, he was in a deep hole because every new day he’d spend with her he’d realize just how fucking extraordinary she was and just how lucky he was to have her in his life.

********

The week had been long and stressful for both, Y/N and Harry, their friend group expressed the same hectic work weeks and they all decided to go out for some drinks at their favorite bar. It was a treasure trove, Lucky’s was what it was called, they’d been going there since their college days because 1. The drinks were cheap and 2. They were well-liked by the owner/bar tender, so he served them really good drinks at no additional cost; of course, once they became working people they left hefty tips for Ian, the owner.

Since they were buzzed and in an even number, they decided on a little 8-ball tourney, 2 out of 3 tables were free so they waited patiently for their turns to play. Y/N played against Molly first and destroyed her, she was shit at 8-ball. Harry won the first round against one of the guys and Y/N was up next with him since she had won her match. She was alright at best, having played with Harry quite a bit, but he was just the master. It was always between him and one of their other friends, Miles.

“Ready to get your ass handed to you?” He asked as he chalked up his cue and she rolled her eyes. He was so competitive at everything, it was hilarious, so she just lined up the balls and let him break. Both of them held their breaths as the 8-ball rolled dangerously close to one of the side pockets.

“You got so lucky.” She said giggling and he nodded.

She lined up and went to take her shot, deciding on the solids, she got about half her balls in, in one go, which was miraculous for her skill level, then she mucked it up. She knew the game was practically over, Harry could make all his in one go if he really tried and she somehow had a way of leaving everything perfectly aligned for him. So he started sinking in the striped balls one by one, until he had two left. It was a pretty straight shot from the purple ball to the hole, however, the 8-ball could get hit in if he was just a centimeter too close to it. So he just let out a huff of air before lining himself up to take the shot.

“Don’t fuck it up, now.” She grinned and he smirked cockily, he never fucked it up.

So he took the shot, but unfortunately for him he hit the ball with a bit too much force and it somehow bounced of of the border and came flying towards the 8-ball. He watched in horror as the tiniest skim against it propelled it to tip over the edge and into the pocket. Y/N burst into laughter, jumping up and down in excitement because she’d never beaten Harry.

“I won!” She cheered to their friends and everyone literally took a moment to cheer for her as she curtsied dramatically.

“You got lucky.” He restated and she bit her lip to suppress her smile and it was doing things to him as he watched her.

“I still won.” She said more quietly as they moved to the side to let the two who hadn’t played their match have a turn. Harry was not pleased in the slightest, but he liked seeing her this giddy over such a simple thing. His buzzed mind was working in overdrive as they sat at some highchairs, waiting for the other matches to end.

“I want a re-match.” He said and she giggled.

“Yeah, alright. I’m feeling lucky tonight.” She said, taking another swig of her vodka cranberry.

“But let’s make it interesting.” He said and she turned to him fully.

“Alright, what’re we playing for?” She asked animatedly and he wasn’t sure how she’d react, so he gnawed on his bottom lip for a bit before deciding that it was worth a try.

“An orgasm. Winner gets to do anything to the loser to make them cum, save for sex.” He said softly and her smile was wiped away in an instant, her eyes boring into his.

“Real funny.” She said unamused.

“M’serious.” He said and she smiled.

“You’re drunk.”

“At the most, I’m buzzed.” He stated, “And besides, I still need to make up for ruining it for you last time.” He said more quietly.

“H, get real. I meant like take me to the movies or something, not… that. You know how I feel about this.” She said softly.

“Exactly!” He whisper-shouted, “I know how you feel about it and you trust me, right?” He asked and she nodded, he leaned closer to her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, “So then, who better to help you with this than me? Someone who you already trust? Someone who knows how worried you get and how to help talk you down when you’re starting to overthink it.”

“If you weren’t drinking you wouldn’t be saying this to me.” She said and he frowned a bit.

“And why not?” He questioned and she smiled down at her lap a bit sadly before looking up at him again, their eyes meeting.

“Because! I’m me and you’re you. I can’t… As much as I trust you and as much as you mean to me, this isn’t a game to me, H. What if I want you over and over and things change between us?” She asked worriedly.

“Then they change. Is that so awful?” He said simply and she shook her head, a small and nervous smile making her lips twitch up.

“You’re insane. We haven’t even shared a drunken kiss and you want to bet an orgasm? If I win I wouldn’t even know what to do!” She expressed, already starting to get nervous over this potential situation.

“How about this? If you win then we don’t do anything.” He said and then he got close to her again, “And if I win I’ll make you cum so many times you’ll be begging me to stop.” He whispered, already feeling a bit turned on in anticipation, “Make up for all the times you’ve wanted to and weren’t able to. I’d make you feel so good, love.” He finished pulling back from her.

Y/N’s face was completely flushed and there was an undeniable throbbing between her legs at the thought of finally getting what she’d been chasing after. But it wasn’t just that, it was the fact that it would be Harry giving her those experiences. She’s been able to shrug off the nagging crush she’s had on him for years, but after his breakup with Ally he’s been pouring so much time into their friendship that liking him was inevitable. Maybe he was just doing this to make up for him ruining her moment, or because he hadn’t had sex with anyone since his breakup… but for her it was different. She would agree to this because she wanted to feel his lips on hers, she wanted to bury her fingers in his hair, she wanted to moan his name, and have that moment with him even if it never happened again, because it was him and she was willing to take anything he’d give her.

“What d’ya say?” He asked as she mulled over. She was about to speak up when Miles’ hand landed on her shoulder.

“We’re up.” He said and she just followed him towards the table, grabbing a cue and glancing back at Harry when she felt that his eyes were fixed on her. Naturally, she lost to him and that was the end of it for her. Her eyes were fixed on Harry as he and Miles moved around the table with each turn, each sinking in a ball or two per turn. Harry was down to hi final two and the 8-ball, easily sinking in the orange and yellow balls into a pocket. He signaled to the right corner pocket as his shot; Harry licked over his lips, concentrated as could be as he aimed towards the black ball, inhaling deeply as he pulled back some and then hit it. With a smack the white ball propelled the black one into the left wall and from there is bounced off to the right corner pocket and he grinned.

“What a fucking shot…” Michael shook his head incredulously. Y/N smiled softly as she watched him and Miles hug in congratulations on a rather sick win.

“Wanna go for another?” Molly asked and Y/N look at her watered down drink and nodded.

The rest of the guys and he, chatted for a bit, but his eyes were fixed on Y/N speaking animatedly with Molly. She was so fucking pretty, even the way she sipped through the thin black straw was pretty and the way she’d lick her lips after every sip. The way she’d roll her eyes while telling stories, he loved that. But mostly, he loved the little smiles and nods of acknowledgement she’d give as she listened attentively to Molly.

“‘Scuse me, guys.” He said before walking over to the bar where they were. He didn’t really mind interrupting Molly’s story about her co-worker’s spoiled potato salad (from what he’d heard as he came closer). He came to a stop beside them and cleared his throat, both of them making a 90 degree turn on their stools to face him, “Are we gonna have that rematch?” He asked and Y/N was taken a bit by surprise at his question.

“Just let it go, Harry. S’just a fucking game.” Molly whined, oblivious to the high stakes if Y/N agreed to this game.

“There’s a lot riding on this game.” He defended cooly and Y/N grinned a bit.

“Really? Your dignity?” She asked, “Because you wanting a rematch because she won out of sheer damn luck is plummeting what’s left of it.” She scoffed before taking another sip, clearly a bit more wasted than he and Y/N.

“This is not about dignity, this is about my performance and proving that I’m really fucking good at what I do with my hands.” He defended, but not looking to Molly. No, his eyes were firmly planted on Y/N’s. Her tummy was twisting with desire, the flames of hunger growing larger and more powerful, ready to start consuming her.

”Do you have to make everything sound so sexual?” Molly scoffed and he finally looked to her and smirked, “So gross.” She huffed more quietly as he turned his attention to Y/N.

“So what’ll it be, love?” He asked and with every ounce of courage she had she turned back to the bar and placed her drink down before hopping off of the stool.

“Let’s do this.” She said, heading towards the billiard tables and he followed close behind her.

They started setting it back up again, Y/N chalking up the tip of her cue as Harry took to arranging the balls. Naturally, the rest of the guys started gathering around, teasing Harry about losing to Y/N again. He allowed her to break since she’d won their last match and luckily she hit pretty well, two striped balls and one solid flew into the pockets. So she choose stripes and started figuring out which ball she should go for next.

Harry was confident that he’d beat her this time, but then she made two more striped balls before barely missing the pocket on her third attempt. He was nervous, there was a lot riding on his game right now. He found one ball that he could make in easily enough, so he positioned himself against the table, leaning forward and pulling his arm back to shoot and somehow completely missed. He tried to brush off the giggles and heckles of his friends. Then Y/N took over, making in another ball, and his next turn her managed to get two in. Then it was back on her and he studied the layout of the game; she had a clean shot towards her last ball, the green one and a clean shot towards the eight ball. He was going to lose, she had this in the bag. He watched on morosely as she moved around the table to make her shot. His brows furrowed as she started lining up towards the eight ball, his breathing stopped as she pulled the cue back and snapped it forward, sinking the eight ball into the pocket, an automatic loss.

“Y/N!” Miles shouted in disbelief at her play.

She just glanced up from the table to Harry, who bit his lip, trying to suppress a grin because this meant that she wanted him just as much as he wanted her. She offered a timid smile before she was flipped around as the lads complained about her tossing the game for what they assumed was Harry’s ego (he was a pretty sore loser, one of his many flaws). But little did they know that sweet, timid, little Y/N had tossed the game because she really wanted Harry’s fingers buried in her cunt until she was trembling from how hard he’d made her cum. She wanted his face buried between her thighs, tongue delving in and out of her entrance until he was in need of air. She didn’t want to risk losing that chance before the offer expired. Little did she know that his offer had no expiration date, he would make himself available to her at any time or any day because he loves her.

*******

The drive home was a little more quiet than usual, neither of them was really sure what to say, but they both knew what would happen once they were out of this uber and in their apartment. She was nervously chewing on her lip and his leg was bouncing up and down a million times a minute, so much so that Y/N reached over and placed her hand onto it, making their eyes meet.

“You’re making me really nervous with that. You shouldn’t be this nervous.” She said quietly and he let out a chuckle.

“I am completely nervous.” He confessed and she huffed a bit, glancing up to him worriedly.

“That doesn’t instill any hope in me.” She said softly and he let his fingers rub at his lips as he tended to do when he was feeling a bit stressed out.

“S’not like a clueless sort of nervous,” he started, “Just wanna be really good for you. Like, I want to meet your expectations and make sure that you… you know.” He finished more quietly and she smiled at how sweet he was.

“H, I have zero expectations and I guarantee that after one little rub I’ll be a mess.” She said and they grew quiet as they came to a slow stop outside of their complex. They thanked their driver and made their way inside and into the lift. It was feeling more tense now and he swallowed the lump in his throat.

“If at any point you don’t like something you need to tell me, because-” his words became muffled as she pulled him down by the collar of his shirt and crashed her lips onto his. Their kiss was sweet and slowly becoming hot, it’s like he found his footing and pulled her closer by the waist. She was such a good kisser, well if that’s all you’ve been doing he reckons you should be good at it. He was melting in her hands, skin tingling maniacally as her tongue teased the seam of his lips and then a chime went off and they split away as the doors slid open on their floor. He seemed to be more nervous than she was now, so they interlocked hands as she guided them down the hall and to their apartment.

It’s as if Harry hadn’t really realized what was going on until they were behind their front door and he was pressing Y/N into the hard wood, his hips grinding into hers, making her moan softly, already anticipating more. It was a little clumsy as they kissed as they hurried to her bedroom, but that didn’t matter to Y/N. Instead, the giggles and mumbles made it all the more memorable for her, because really, who else would she have been that comfortable with to get those moments with? Despite her newness to this, she was ready for Harry. Y/N’s pussy was throbbing and wet and frankly, she’d been turned on half the night watching him. It was scary as he dragged her jeans down from around her raised hips, her breathing picking up  until he material was completely gone and he came back up, kissing her lips, straddling her, and letting his left hand support his weight and his right to slither down her front slowly until she was gasping as it rubbed over her throbbing heat, he could feel it from over her panties.

“So fucking wet for me, love.” He rubbed harder making her gasp, “May I?” He asked in a pant, as he tugged on her underwear and she just nodded quickly and he tugged down until she was able to kick them off on her own. As soon as the material was gone from her legs he let his hand rub over her clit again, this time her eyes fluttered closed and she moaned at the new contact, skin on skin.

Y/N had never felt something like this. It was like pressure and tickles in the perfect spot. It was embarrassing how quickly was feelings that tightening in her tummy, like she had the last time she attempted this.

“Fuck, making such a fucking mess, Y/N.” Harry rasped out, kissing her lips quickly as he rubbed a little faster and a little harder. He grinned with pride as her legs parted even further for him. Y/N was feeling that need to stretch out, her back starting to arch as the pleasure started peaking.

“Oh fuck, H!” She mewled, her hand flying down between their bodies, attempting to halt his quick and heavy rubs at her clit. He breath started hitching, her eyes rolling back, and her legs to tense and tremble as the pleasure intensified and intensified until suddenly she went completely silent for just a second, inhaling sharply and stilling before he held her down by the hips, avoiding her from wriggling out of his hold as her moans and curses poured out incessantly. Y/N was having an out of body experience as she came undone for the first time in her life, it was body shaking and mind rattling. Her fists were tightened around the sheets and her eyes heavy as the blood rushed to her head. The tingles weren’t going anywhere as Harry slow down his actions. She could feel him to rubbing at her more gently as his lips kissed down her jaw and neck.

“Came so fucking hard, baby.” He praised, “Wanna see?” He inquired, with his lips skimming down her jaw she nodded lazily. Her lips turned into a deep frown as two of his digits ran down her throbbing and sensitive cunt, dipping at her entrance, making her clench her little hole against nothing at all, the rub was so quick, but he didn’t come up empty handed, “Look at tha’…” he marveled, pulling back and making scissoring motions with his fingers and she could see the sticky strings joining his fingers together in the dimmed light of her room, her eyes heavy and her teeth sunk into her bottom lip as his own eyes fluttered shut and he sank the digits into his mouth, licking them clean and he hummed.

“Such a sweet and juicy little cunt.” He complimented, “Can I taste you, Y/N? Make you cum on my tongue?” He inquired and she nodded so quickly she would be embarrassed had she not been so turned on. But it was teasing as he kissed down her body, licking and nibbling at her nipples and down her tummy, avoiding her sex and jumping to her thighs, working his way up to her cunt. She felt a bit more nervous about this as his hot breath puffed out onto her heated skin, he pressed her legs apart, spreading her out for him and she gasped, tugging him up by the hair.

“Can’t, H. I can’t.” She panicked and he nodded softly, letting her take a break as it sunk into her what as about to happen. After a minute or two of his gentle kisses and presence, she was a lot more calm and he spoke up once again.

“You sure?” He asked as he glanced down to her pussy and with a clear mind now she was shaking her head, “Wanna feel my tongue?”

“Yeah, m’just-”

“S’alright, we’ll go slower.” He offered a small smile and he worked with her to get her so riled up again that she was pushing him down towards her cunt. She was a sticky and hot mess again, but she smelled so good and his mouth watered as he got so close… his tongue poking out and his own eyes fluttered shut and brows creased in as the expanse of his tongue ran from her entrance to her clit, making her whine and for her fingers to grip hard at his curls.

“Again, H. Fuck, again!” She urged and he smiled, feeling more at ease as he held her open and tongued at her pussy greedily. He loved her warmth and heady taste, it was something he wished he’d never forget. Her sounds were a lot more frequent and higher in pitch… he wanted to edge her and then introduce fingers to really finish her off properly.

“Y’taste so fucking good, baby. I could eat your little cunt all fucking day if you’d let me.” he admitted and then he wrapped his lips around her clit and she rutted her hips into his face, moaning loudly at the pleasure coursing through her.

“M’gonna-oh fuck!” She came so suddlenly, but he didn’t let up as she spasm beneath him, in stead to look to licking at her clit until he was pulling yet another orgasm from her, leaving her a panting and trembling mess. Hr whimpers were so small an dpitpful from how exhausted she was, yet when he pulled back to observe her, her hips were searching for his face again, desperate to have him buried back in there.

Want me to make you come with my fingers?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yes, please.” He loved how in charge he felt, how everything she was about to experience was in his hands. He wanted to take care of her.

She was indeed ready for him, prodding at her entrance, encouraging little mumbles to relax just a bit more. Finally it was time to sink a finger into her, she was wet enough, but he still asked if she was ready and with a curt little nod he pressed his index finger further in. Her eyes flutter closed at the lovely stretch, not too big nor small to be insignificant, it felt just right and she moans as he sunk deep into the knuckle, petting at her walls in a way that had her mind bursting with fireworks. He groaned at the ways her walls tightened around his finger; he felt it around his cock. He was moaning at the idea of stretching her a bit further, struggling to get his cock into her tight, little cunt. He moaned thinking of the extremely tight, borderline painful squeeze around his cock when he’d finally get to sink his cock into her gently. He was reeled back from his thoughts when she moaned loudly as he hooked his finger up into the spongey spot deep inside of her, the one that had her head thrashing and her thighs closing around his hand for a moment.

“That’s it, right?” He asked cockily and she nodded and swallowed hard, her hips rising up to meet the pumps of his fingers. “Want another one?” He asked and cried out a ‘yes please, Harry’ and he pulled his finger out, sticky with her arousal and he just wanted to suck it clean, but held back and introduced a second finger. He gently hooked them at her entrance, stretching her a little bit before pressing them into her slowly, her eyes fluttered closed as he sank them into her, the stretch being just heavenly. When they were in all the way he pumped them in and out of her at a faster pace, making her eyes roll back. She moaned when he started rubbing tight circles over her clit with his thumb as he pumped in and out of her until her breath hitched in her throat and her tummy began to quiver. “That’s it, baby. Gonna cum so fucking hard foam aren’t you?” She hummed in response, “Can feel you squeezing m’fingers so hard.” He grinned.

“Fuck, H! M’so close.” She cried and he smiled, pumping his fingers harder against her spot, “Shit! M’gonna cum, m’gonna cum so fucking hard!” She muttered.

“Yes, Y/N.” He groaned as she tightened around him even more somehow, “Make a fucking mess fo’me, love.” He encouraged, going faster and harder until her back arched off the bed. Her hands fisted at the sheets as a huge wave of pleasure wracked her entire body, her legs attempting to close around his hand, but he pressed it open, working her through the pleasure and into her sensitivity. She was seeing all white, her body in tingles as she came undone around him.

She thought he was going to let up, but in seconds he picked up the pace, just as relentless as before, causing her eyes to roll bak and once again, her body shook with pleasure. Her eyes screwed so tight that she was seeing colors against her eyelids, her fingers hurt from how tight she was gripping the sheets and her whole body was tingling and trembling as she burst around him, her cum bursting past his fingers in warm spurts and we worked her through it, her body trembling and voice gone after this final orgasm. Finally, he slipped out of her gently and she hummed. She looked gorgeous all fucked out, her eyes still closed, her chest rising and falling rapidly. He couldn’t resist it as he lowered himself down and pressed her legs up to clean her up. He groaned as her fingers pulled hard on his hair when his tongue dipped into her slit, lapping at her to clean her up. He slowly worked his way back to her clit, wrapping his lips around her clit and sucked gently, letting his tongue brush against the swollen, sensitive bud, he knew she was ready when he felt his chin becoming a sloppy, sticky mess and she was whimpering his name and pleas of that being enough. SO he came back up to her and she didn’t waste a second in wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him fervently until they were both breathless and parting.

“Now you.” She said and he shook his head.

“No love, t’night was about you.” He said seriously and she smiled softly, “I fucking love you.” He said seriously and she could tell that he mean it the way she meant it and she just smiled, tired as hell but kissing him once more.

“I fucking love you too and ummm, if things do change, with us I mean, I’d like that.” She said and he grinned so wide that butterflies erupted in her tummy.

“Me too.” He whispered happily as he hugged her to his chest.

[unfortunately-inlove]

What would I say if I reached out to you?

I don’t, because I’m scared that it will cause you undue distress or it will crush me into a million pieces again if you react with hostility. And I think waiting for you to see the message and answer it (or not answer it) would give me a stroke tbh. But if I did, what would I say? Would I keep it short and to the point?

“Dear (redacted), please don’t feel pressured to respond to this message if you don’t want to. I don’t want to cause you distress and if hearing from me is upsetting, you don’t need to reply. If you don’t answer I won’t reach out again. I just wanted to say that I think of you often. I wish that we were at peace with each other and that we could simply live on the social media edges of each other’s lives. I hope you love the life you have now. I hope you’re able to remember most of our memories fondly. Be well.”

Or would I tell her everything in one, huge message?

“Hey, it’s me. Don’t feel pressured to respond if you don’t want to. If you don’t answer I won’t reach out again.

I wanted you to know that I think about you often. And I’ve thought a lot about talking to you, but I haven’t up til now because I didn’t want to cause undue pain or distress. I did unblock you on everything just in case you ever wanted to talk to me, though.

I want you to know that I am still so sorry for what I did. I shouldn’t have told Austin. There’s no excuse I can give that ever would make it okay. You know it was never my intention to out you to your father or to school though, and I never wanted to harm you. I was overcome with emotion at the time because I was concerned for your soul because you were becoming wiccan. And Austin saw me crying and he and James and I took a walk, and it came out as one of the reasons I was worried.

I only say all of that as an explanation but not an excuse. I’m older, and less of an idiot, and have more self control. We were both subject to a certain level of religious indoctrination and intolerance and that heavily influenced my actions, of course. But I wasn’t a kid, I was 17 and I shouldn’t have said anything that wasn’t mine to say. Regardless of the beliefs pumped into me from school (and other influences, of course.) Again, just an explanation of my actions but not an excuse. I wish that James had talked to me first before he told you what I did so I could have told you myself instead. I wonder if that would have changed anything, though.

But it took me a long time to realize that that event was just the final nail in the coffin of our friendship, I think. There were a lot of things that I didn’t even remember had happened until we weren’t friends anymore.

You kissed me. New Year’s Eve. Did you have a crush on me? Or did you just kiss me to kiss a woman? You had me and Julianne watch porn with you, on your porch when we were kids. I saw a woman put a lightbulb in her vagina. Your physical boundaries with me were odd, and I never realized it because I loved you and didn’t think anything negative of you. You had me spoon you, when you were cold. Was that platonic?

Towards the end of our friendship (the last year or so) I always got the vibe that you thought I was stupid, or at least not as intelligent as you. I remember confronting you about it once on the phone, and you apologizing and saying it was “a part of you that you didn’t like.” The funny thing is, I actually can’t remember a single instance of you talking down to me. But I remember talking to you about those instances on the phone, so I know they happened. This is how I found out that my brain represses memories that make me upset. That’s why I didn’t talk to you about most of these things; I forgot that they happened. I literally forgot that you kissed me. You were my first kiss, technically.

The things that happened after we split caused me to basically want to kill myself 24/7. You dating Austin when you knew that I loved him. I thought you did it to spite me. Did you really like him? I cried in the school bathroom for hours when he asked you to prom with cooked he had decorated himself.

I also saw the text your mom sent you, on the bus ride to kings island for our senior trip. The one where she told you to ditch me at the trip with a laughing emoji. That really broke my heart. Your mom was like family to me. Did you tell her the truth of what happened? Did her opinion of me change so intensely because of the truth or did you tell her something else?

Talking to your dad in the parking lot before our senior prom. He called me Miss Claire, as he always did, said long time no see, and asked me about my new car. I told him I bought it for 400 dollars from a friend, and he was shook and said that’s what he paid for his first car back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth. Did you tell him we weren’t friends anymore? Did he know?

Honestly, I feel a little bit like you experimented on me from childhood into our teens as you were discovering your sexuality. But I did it to you too in a completely different way. You gave me a sexuality crisis for a long time, haha. So it’s a little unnerving because I had completely forgotten it but I can hardly blame you. But as we got older it just felt like you didn’t like me as much anymore or saw me as an equal.

My life is better now. I went to a lot of therapy and stopped wanting to die. I went to college, dropped out of college, and enrolled in cosmetology school. I made new friends and resparked old ones. Honestly the best thing that came out of our relationship exploding was that I reconnected with two of my best friends from grant county and I see them often now. Courtney comes to spend the night at least 3x a month, except when she goes home for the summer. I joined several dnd groups. I met what I’m pretty sure is the love of my life and we’ve been together for almost two years now, and he’s proposing to me on our 2 year anniversary. Copy cat died in august of 2020. I got two kittens named Winter and Tobi Tangerine. I also fixed my relationship with James too, though we’re not as close as we used to be. I got older. I got less stupid. I tried to make less regrets and keep my mouth shut more. I stopped getting involved in other people’s shit and it’s benefitted me greatly.

Speaking of getting involved in other people’s shit, I did kind of lose my mind after we imploded and I did a lot of stuff to people and poked my nose where it didn’t belong. I anonymously texted Maci’s dad to tell him she regularly drove over 90 in a 55 with her feet on the dash and that I was worried for her safety. She found out because I had to ask trace for his dads number and he ratted me out and she was rightfully pissed at me for being a nosy jackass. She also told me and Becca about how bad she wanted to punch Kelsey in the face, so I told Kelsey she said that and they were both mad at me. I don’t think I would have done this stuff normally but I wasn’t in a good frame of mind and thought I was helping when I really was just ruining the friendships I had left. I figured that out later in therapy tho.

I hope you’re doing well at college. I look at you and your moms Facebook page maybe 2x a year or so, and just think about everything all over again. I saw you got a boyfriend a while ago, and I wish I could have heard you excitedly tell me about it. I wish that if our friendship did end, it would have ended peacefully with us just texting each other less and less until we simply coexisted peacefully on the edges of each’s others lives, occasionally liking each other’s Facebook post. Rather than going out in an explosion of bad decisions and bad feelings.

I hope you’re well. I hope you love the life you have now. I hope you’re at peace with who you are. I hope you’ve forgiven me. It’s ok if you haven’t. I just hope you have.”

[chiefnerdmilkshake]

Explanations

Recently I quit my job without alerting my boss of my decision. Let me explain why.  It’s going to sound dramatic. Maybe it is, maybe it’s because I haven’t taken care of my mental health in years so what people say and what they do affect me in ways I’m ill-equipped to handle.  What I do know for certain is what I went through. I worked at this place for 7 months starting with a speech of “honesty, loyalty, and integrity” and “no one has just one position here we all do everything serve, bartend, clean, cook”. For the first one to 3 months that’s how it was everyone did everything - except clean myself and one other person did the cleaning in the entire restaurant while everyone else got away with not doing anything. Cut to 2 months ago, our actual bartender quit because she wasn’t given the title she thought she had manipulated herself into. And then there were four of us left. I wanted to become a bartender because who doesn’t at some point in their life thought about how fun being a bartender could be. Our “uniform” allegedly consisted of Hawaiian, black, gray, or tan shirts with no real decision on the kinds of pants we were suppose to wear. Every day I walked in there with either a flowery shirt or gray or black shirts with print on them where everyone else would wear whatever color scheme they wanted some even opting to wear torn/ripped/holy clothing. One night at the beginning of one of my first bartending shifts my boss looks at me and said he didn’t like what I wore to work and that’s why he didn’t want me bartending and proceeds to tell me to go into the back room and get one of the plain tan shirts that he had left. He walked back with me and I told him I had found a large. This man didn’t even look up from rifling through clothes and tells me that because he can fit into a large I cannot and proceeds to ask if I thought a 3X would fit me. From here it goes to me working open and closing shifts almost every day for 3 weeks straight. I would go in in the mornings and restock everything (food, tea, beer, liquor), do beer and liquor inventories (while starting to put in beer orders), and let’s not forget all the cleaning that I did because our “boss” couldn’t be bothered to make anyone clean. I’m talking food particles left on the floor all over the restaurant and black alcohol spill spots on the floors. I did an experiment at one point to see how long it would be before someone cleaned something in there. 2 weeks and the only reason they did it was because I said I wasn’t going to be the only one anymore making sure stuff stayed clean. He hired someone 2 weeks ago and it was suppose to be her and I bartending but then he kept sending me home and eventually told me she was going to have the busy shifts during the week but not to worry I still had the most hours (I was down 20+ hours) and I would have the chance to choose a night between Sunday and Wednesday. He explained it as she has 2 kids and can only work those days. When I freaked out because I had earned those shifts he switched gears then blaming another coworker for their inadequateness as the reason I was only to be allowed morning shifts 11 to 3 and one 11 to 5 shifts. Saturday I had an incredibly busy shift and cooked probably 600 dollars worth of food by myself, a quarter of that happened before the next person was due to come in. You can imagine my disappointment when I log onto Facebook later that day and my boss wrote a glowing review... for someone else. Then to have him come into the kitchen screaming at me that I don’t know what I’m doing and he didn’t want me “just fucking standing around doing nothing” while I’m literally working on a ticket he put in (don’t worry, I defended myself because fuck that). Monday I did a whole bunch of cleaning, organizing, stocking, and did my inventory and ordering while the girl I was working with (I love her to pieces and this isn’t about her it’s for once about ME) cut up banana and jalapeno peppers and spent an hour or so playing with a dog. Boss comes in tells her to pick even or odd she says even and he tells me I need to get in the kitchen and wash dishes (while I’m literally between finishing the liquor stock and washing the bar dishes) I told him no and he said “this is what I hired you for you better get in the kitchen and do the dishes”. So I started listing all the things that got done (that wouldn’t have if not for me). I got sent home shortly thereafter.  My boyfriend doesn’t fully understand why I did this the way I did. Honestly good for him because that means he hasn’t been through it. Just being in that building had hit the point where it just annoyed me to be there, then angry because I couldn’t afford to quit yet (my other job reopens in 2 weeks), then I just wanted to cry while I was there because it just depressed me.

I don’t even know if anyone is going to read this whole thing I wasn’t expecting it to be this much typing. I just mainly needed to get that off my chest. No one deserves to be treated this way by anyone but most importantly not by your employer. (Especially one who you know knows you know you could totally take down for one reason or another) He didn’t deserve a warning that I was quitting.

#thankgodforthestimmy #icouldntdoitanymore  #workplace #workplacediscrimination #allworkandnoplay 

[mskinkykitty]

Proper Training

Chapter 1

This is my entry for @searchforanotherway​‘s Onyx Night Challenge. I took a little detour with the challenge, but, it’s still a dark(ish) marvel fic, so I hope it counts! I tried to write a Dark! Bruce fic, but, sadly, I couldn’t find the inspiration, I’ve tried 3x to write something and keep failing, but I’m still gonna try, I’ve been wanting to write a Dark! Bruce forever! So, instead, we get Reader and Rumlow for now.

I know this isn’t going to be as dark as some of the other fics for this challenge, but I hope you enjoy it either way.

Pairing: Reader x Rumlow, Reader x Winter Soldier (technically, not bucky......)

Rating: 18+

Takes place pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Prompt: “You are mine now. You don’t get a choice in the matter”

Word count: 3113

Warnings: Non con, kidnapping, light bondage, forced orgasm (please let me know if there are other warnings I should add!)

A/N: I proofed this a few times, but I’m sure I missed some errors, so please forgive me! I don’t want to give a summary right now, because, I don’t want to give too much away, but this is, a dark fic. There will also, probably be more editing of this chapter down the road, but for now, I’m happy with where it stands. If the story goes the way I plan, later chapters will hopefully, be a little more on the darker side.

_____________________________________

When Brock Rumlow woke up, he wasn't in the last place he'd remembered. Blinking his eyes a few times, finally bringing the room into focus, he immediately recognized where he was, or, he recognized the equipment, at least.

When he tried to raise his hand, to rub his face, he quickly found that he was bound to an exam chair, as were his legs. He also noticed that he was wearing nothing, but his boxer briefs.

“The fuck is going on?” He mumbled to himself, as he struggled against the restraints, testing to see how secure they were. Unfortunately, this was SHIELD, and these restraints were meant to hold a super soldier.

“Mr. Rumlow?” he heard a soft, timid voice say, from behind him.

A small smile crossed his lips, recognizing the voice. It was his favorite doctor. Doctor (f/n)(l/n). He'd been pining after her, since she started working for SHIELD. He'd shamelessly flirt with her, constantly ask her out, make excuses to visit her in her lab, pay her misogynistic compliments. He'd “accidentally” bump into her in the halls, the perfect excuse to touch and feel her up, a little. He loved how timid, shy and mousy, she was. She had the whole, good girl next door, librarian vibe going on, and it drove him crazy! She'd inspired some of his dirtiest fantasies, it was getting so bad, he'd start fantasizing about her at work, and often have to relieve himself in the mens restroom.

“Doc, am I glad to see you.” He said, as she walked around the chair and stood in front of him.

“Oh, goodness! You're practically naked!” she squeaked, her face darting up to the ceiling.

“No time to be shy now, sweetheart. You gotta let me out of this chair.” he couldn't help but smirk, enjoying how shy she was.

“Oh, um, right, sorry.” She blushed, as she started to remove the strap from one of his arms.

Brock couldn't stop himself from wondering what he would have done, if he'd found her half naked strapped to this chair. Then he realized, who was he kidding? He knew exactly what he'd do.

Once she'd freed both of his hands, she stepped back, and let him free his legs.

“What happened, Doc? How'd I end up strapped to this chair?” He asked, looking up at her, while working one of the restraints loose.

“It's Hydra, they've infiltrated the lab. I hid in the the air ducts when the alarms started going off and the lock down was announced.” She said, tears welling in her eyes, still avoiding looking at Brock.

“Hydra?” Brock asked, confused. He'd have known if Hydra was going to infiltrate her lab, Pierce would have told him.

“I saw them bring you in and strap you to the chair. I wasn't sure how long they'd be gone for, so I stayed hidden. I didn't come out, until I heard you waking up. But, when the soldiers who brought you in were leaving, they said they needed to find me. They had orders to detain me, but they needed me alive, with minimal injuries.” she said, wiping away the unshed tears before they could fall.

Brock knew what minimal meant. Basically, so long as she was alive, everything else was acceptable.

“Don't worry, Doc. I'll get you out of here, safe and sound. You just gotta stick with me and do everything I tell you. Can you do that for me?” He asked, putting both hands on her shoulders, forcing her to focus on him.

“Mr. Rumlow, I'm so scared!” She cried, throwing her arms around his shoulders and crying into the crook of his neck. Brock couldn't stop himself from breathing in the scent of her shampoo. She always smelled so good.

“I know, Doc. It's all right. I'm gonna do everything in my power to keep you safe and out of their hands.” He said, returning the hug, before leaning away, and holding her face, so she was looking at him again.

“I need you to trust me, that I'm gonna get you out of here. OK?” he asked, groaning internally, at the realization that he was starting to sound like America's golden boy, himself. But, if this worked, he figured, there was no way she could turn down his offer for dinner.

He smiled, when she nodded, using the sleeve of her lab coat to dry her eyes. Brock stared at her a moment longer, memorizing the way she looked, knowing he'd use it for masturbation fuel later.

“Good. Now, you got any extra clothes and shoes in here? Weapons?” She shook her head in the negative and looked down at her feet.

“It's all right, we'll just have to make a stop in the locker rooms. I always have extra clothes and weapons in my locker.”

“Do you want me to wait for you here?” she asked and Brock could see the fear in her eyes.

His first thought was to have her wait, he could get there and back, quicker and with less chance of being seen. But, with as scared as she was, he figured, she'd probably end up following him anyway, so best to take her along.

“No, but, sweetheart, if you're gonna come, you have to do exactly as I say. Understood?”

“Yes, sir. I understand.” She stuttered in that shy, demur way, that made his cock twitch. If she didn't go out with him after this, Brock decided he'd just roofie her at the next Stark party she attended.

“Alright, lets go.” he said, turning and headed for the door.

He'd barely taken s step towards the door, when he felt a small prick in his neck. His hand shot up to the spot, and he turned around, eyes wide, to see the doctor, holding a syringe, a triumphant smile across her face.

“Doc?” he asked, stumbling away from her.

“Yes, Mr. Rumlow?” she asked, in that sweetly, innocent tone of hers.

“What did you just do?”

“Nothing much, just a little something to make you more compliant.” she hummed, throwing the syringe in the sharps container.

“Soldier, please restrain Mr. Rumlow back into the chair.” she said, now washing her hands.

Rumlow heard a door open, and saw the Winter Soldier walk in. Brock tried to fight him, but whatever she'd given him, was working fast. He was starting to feel slightly disoriented, his body, feverish and there was the starting of a familiar ache in his nether regions.

“Sex pollen?” Brock groaned, as the Soldier finished restraining him and walked over to (y/n).

“More or less, but this is a new concoction I've been working on, for some time now. I took my research to Alexander, and he gave me the go ahead for human testing. You should be happy to know, I specifically asked for you, as my little guinea pig. Alexander was all to happy to agree.”

“Bitch, when I get out of this chair......” Brock hissed, barley struggling against the restraints. His body felt hotter by the minute and the ache between his legs was quickly becoming unbearable.

“You'll what? Hurt me? For giving you exactly what you've been wanting from me, since I started?”

“What are you talking about?” Brock asked, he was starting to pant and squirm in the chair now. The subtle friction from his boxers, only making the situation worse for him.

“I'm not as naive as I let you think I was, Mr. Runlow. Far from it, actually. You'll be pleased to know, I'm quite the sexual deviant. I'd tell you to ask my Soldier, here, but unfortunately, he doesn't remember some of our best sessions.” she pouted, as she gently caressed his cheek. The Soldier closed his eyes, and pressed into her hand, a small smile on his face.

“He really is the sweetest thing, you know. He's become so much easier to deal with, since he's become my responsibility. You get the best rewards when you've been a good soldier, don't you?” she cooed at him, his hands sliding down her arms, her sides, and resting on her hips, as he took a couple steps closer to her.

“You play with him?” Brock spat, disgusted at the thought.

“No, I reward him. Just like I'll reward you, but, you have to be a good soldier, first. Tell Mr. Rumlow my number one rule.” she said, smiling up at the Soldier.

“Only good soldiers cum.”

“Very good, my Soldier.” She purred, giving the Soldier a kiss on the cheek. “Now, why don't you go to your room, and wait for me. You can do what ever you'd like, and I'll come visit you later. Mr. Rumlow and I have a much overdue play date.” she purred, turning back to look at Brock, nothing but pure lust written across her face.

“Doctor?” The Soldier asked, hesitantly.

“Yes, my Soldier?” She asked, her eyes remaining fixed on Brock.

“He's not going to become your new favorite, is he?” the shy, timid tone of the Soldier's voice, had her turn and look at him with concern.

“Of course not.” She cooed, holding his face in one hand, while she cards the other through his hair. “No one could ever replace someone as perfect as you. You'll always be my favorite. Now, go relax in your room, like I asked, and I promise, I'll come see you when I'm done here.”

The Soldier nodded, and headed for the door, stopping next to Brock, first.

“Hurt her, and I won't hesitate to kill you.” He growled, before doing what he was told.

“He's such a good boy.” She smiled, adoringly, after him. “Now, Mr. Rumlow, judging by the amount of distress your in, I'd say my new formula is performing above expectations.”

“Why are you doing this?” he panted, her concoction making it hard for him to think straight, with his body feeling like it was on fire.

“Because you lack discipline and respect, Mr. Rumlow. You think, because your so big and strong,“ she purred, her hands running across his bare chest, causing Brock to let out a small, satisfied groan, “and I'm so shy and timid, you can talk to me however you like. Continue with your advances, even though, I've declined countless times. I honestly, don't think you can take a hint, Mr. Rumlow. So, I've decided to give you what you've been wanting, for so long.”

“You're crazy!” he moaned, as her hands drifted lower, to lightly caress his thighs.

“No, just smarter than you.”

“Pierce isn't gonna let you get away with this.” He hated to admit it, but her laugh was like music to his ears, and it only made his cock ache for her more.

“Oh, Mr. Rumlow, I already told you, he authorized it. But, I'll let you in on a little secret,” she said, placing gentle kisses across his chest, as her hand continued to lightly caress his thighs, “You'd be in this position, even without his permission. Truth be told, as much of an asshole as you are,” she gave his chest a hard slap, for emphasis, “you are quite the specimen. Those long hours in the gym, training, flexing those muscles, all those drills you run with Captain Tightass. It does things to a girl.” She said, giving his nipple a quick bite, causing Brock to moan and arch into her.

“Oh, someone likes a little pain, does he?” she asked, looking at him with a victorious grin.

“I swear, you jock types are all the same, with your submissive little, scholar fantasies. Tell me, Mr. Rumolow, how many times did you get off to imagining me like this?” She asked, looking up at him with big, doe eyes, biting her bottom lip, as she pulled his painful erection free of his boxers.

Brock tried to stifle the moan, as she pulled his dick from his boxers, her touch gentle and feather light, as she gave it a few light strokes.

“Oh my! Mr. Rumlow!” she feigned a shocked gasp, her tone sickeningly sweet and innocent. “You're so big! You'll never fit inside me, you're going to split me in two!”

“Oh, FUCK!” Rumlow hissed, as she gently caressed his cock. He tried to thrust up into her hands, but she only removed them when he did.

“NO!” he yelled, his hips trying to follow her.

“Ah, ah, ah, Mr. Rumlow.” she teased, wagging her finger at him. “I asked you a question, if you don't answer, you don't get a reward.”

“What?” he asked, her actions, confusing the hell out of him.

“I asked,” she said, licking his cock from base to tip, eliciting a hissed “fuck!” from him. “How many times have you imagined me like this?”

“All the time.” he panted.

“You're being such a good boy, Mr. Rumlow, and, as promised, you get a reward.” she smiled, before giving him another lick from base to tip, this time, going much slower, using the tip of her tongue to run up the vein, only to take the tip in her mouth, giving a hard suck as she pulled away from him again.

“Mr. Rumlow, you taste so good.” she moaned, using that sickly, sweet, innocent tone, again. “I can't wait to make you cum, Mr. Rumlow. Have you fill me up, as you fuck me, so hard.” She whined.

“Fuck, yes. Please! I need to cum.” he hated how desperate he sounded. But it was the truth, he was beyond desperate, but at this point, he didn't care.

“Oh, Mr. Rumlow.” she cooed, before wrapping her lips around the head, and gently sucking. Rumlow tried thrusting up into her mouth, wanting her to take more of him, but every time he did, she just pulled away, taking nothing more, than just the tip.

He almost came, when she quickly took his full length in her mouth. He felt himself enter her throat, but before he could enjoy the sensation, she'd pulled away and removed her mouth. She stood up and said, in a harsh, commanding tone, “You cum, when I give you permission!” as she slapped the shaft of his cock, hard.

Rumlow screamed as he came hard, all over his chest and abdomen.

“Well, well, well, Mr. Rumlow, it looks like you have a little masochist in you.” (y/n) said, her eyes sparkling with pure joy.

“Though, I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. Tough guys like you, always do.” Brock panted, while he tried to look up at her, his head hanging, chin resting against his chest.

“Oh, don't give me that look. You're lucky I'm not punishing you for cumming without permission. I already told you, you don't cum, until I say you do.” she growled, slapping him across the cheek.

In that moment, Brock didn't care. The ache between his legs, had been relieved. He could think clearly, again.

“When I get outta this chair, you're gonna pay, Doc.” he panted, as he glared at her.

“Oh, you think so?” she said, turning to him, with a wicked smile and a dark gleam in her eyes. She took a deep breath, before continuing. “Mr. Rumlow, by the time I'm done with you, you're going to be nothing more than a limp, shell of the man you used to be. Your only desires, will be to please and serve me. You see, Mr. Rumlow, you are mine. You don't get a choice in the matter.”

Brock watched her walk to her desk, furious that he'd let himself fall into this situation. How could he have been so blind? Fooled by her sweet and innocent act. He thought back to all the times he'd interacted with her, followed her home. Not once, was there any indication, or hint, of the woman standing across the lab. His thoughts were interrupted, when he heard a voice come over the speaker on her desk.

“Yes, Doctor?” He recognized that voice. It was Jasper Sitwell. What the hell was she doing calling Sitwell?

“Send in the Soldier, please. I want him in full tactical.” she ordered.

“Yes, ma'am.”

He watched her, remove her finger from the speaker, and turn to him with a smug smile, gracing her lips.

“Why so confused, Mr. Rumlow?” she asked, walking towards him, as if she were a predator, stalking it's prey.

“Is it such a surprise that Jasper would be so willing to follow my orders? You saw how well my Soldier followed them. You see, Mr. Rumlow, the fact is, I'm the true brains behind Hydra, not Jasper Sitwell, nor Alexandern Pierce, and definitely not Armin Zola. Such a creepy little man.” She shuddered, as she said the last sentence under her breath.

“You men are all so easy to manipulate and control. Always thinking with your dicks. You're so busy waging them around, trying to prove who has the biggest, none of you ever saw me coming. See, I've been at this for a very long time, Mr. Rumlow. Hydra is much older than anyone knows.”

Before she could continue, the Soldier entered the lab. In full tactical gear, as ordered.

“I was hoping I wouldn't have to use my Soldier, but, special circumstances, and all that.” she smiled, walking over to the Soldier and caressing the mask that covered his cheek, with that same adoring smile from earlier.

“Are you ready to help me show Mr. Rumlow, how a proper Soldier behaves?” she asked, brushing some of his hair out of his eyes.

The Soldier gave Brock a glare, as he eyed up him, up and down, then his eyes fell back to (y/n), his expression softening.

“Yes, ma'am. Anything for you.” he replied and she beamed up at him, causing him to stand just a little taller. Pride filling him at pleasing her.

“And that's why I called for you. Always so obedient and eager to follow orders. Always my good Soldier.” she cooed.

“Always, ma'am.”

The softness in the Soldier's eyes hardened, when she turned to look at Brock.

“Well, Mr. Rumlow, looks like we're ready to start your training.”

[dontgotothenetherworld]

lydia x reader, finally meeting the juice man himself

you had met charles and delia, you had met adam and barbara, now time for lydia to introduce you to the ghost with the most.

668 words

cw: fem reader.

the night after meeting the maitlands, you texted lydia,

so like, i wasn’t imagining that right? there were like a c t u a l ghosts in your house? - y/n

lydia texted back almost immediately,

yea, adam & barbara are as real as can be :) -l

oh ok cool cool cool -y/n

and you mentioned smthin abt /another/ ghostie in your house? -y/n

when am i gonna meet that one? -y/n

i regret telling you about him tbh -l

why? if he’s anything like the maitlands, i’ll love him! -y/n

trust me, he is n o t h i n g like the maitlands. -l

he’s better! the ghost with the most, if you will -l

and he’s ready to meet ya right now! all you gotta do is -l

? -y/n

lyds?? -y/n

sorry, that was bj -l

the guy i was telling you about -l

he stole my phone :( -l

did he really call himself the ghost with the most? -y/n

don’t worry, making fun of him rn for it -l

wait, im realizing something, -y/n

he’s reayd to meet me? -y/n

is he here? -y/n

no! but he can b! -l

just say my name 3x! -l

and what would your name be, i’m assuming bj is texting. -y/n

don’t say his name and brb while i scream at this demon for stealing my phone -l

demon? -y/n

i’ll explain tmrw -l

ily, bunny. xox gn -y/n

ily2 honey :) <3 -l

beetlejuice -l

that’a weird name, you thought to yourself before rolling over and going to sleep.

luckily, the next day is a saturday, so you head over to the deetz’s as soon as you wake up. 1 pm.

“hey lyds!” you through your arms around your girlfriend.

“ok, i’m going to go ahead and warn you, he’s gross. like, really gross. he’s smelly and perverted, and-”

“i get it, he kinda gave that vibe last night.”

her face fell, “you didn’t... summon him, did you?”

“oh, no. i’m not that dumb.”

“well, time to be dumb. let’s go inside so the neighbors don’t see him.” she began to lead you inside.

“so, i just say his name three times?”

“if you don’t want to do this...” barbara called from the couch. she had just turned off whatever hgtv show she was watching.

“oh no, i got this.” you winked at your girlfriend. “beetlejuice...”

you waited for something interesting to happen. everyone else looked like something had filled the room, weird. “beetlejuice...”

you waited an insufferably long time to say his name for a last time, “beetlejuice.”

a flash of light, like lighting filled the room. beetlejuice appeared right in front of you, with sharp teeth out, and hair red, “boo!”

“ah. i’m so terrified.” you stepped back. “that was a joke, but your breath is terrifying.”

“aw man, i’ve been working on my hygiene.”

lydia looked back and forth at the two of you nervously. her best friend, and her girlfriend.

“so what’s this one’s story? did he die in this house too?” you asked.

“yes, but i didn’t originally die here. she killed me!” beej pointed at lydia.

“lydia?”

“it’s a long story...” lydia said, blushing.

after you stared at her, confused, she spoke again. “look, i only killed him because he married me!”

“it was a green card thing!”

you blinked hard, “i’m gonna have everyone here, including you, barbara, sit down, and explain what the hell happened.”

beetlejuice and lydia took turns talking over each other, with barbara clarifying every few minutes. eventually, after an hour of explaining, you understood what had happened in the house six months ago.

“lydia, i feel kind of betrayed. i didn’t know i was dating a self widower?”

“oh, come on!”

“i think i like you kid.” said beej.

“don’t call me kid, and don’t try to marry me, and i think i might like you too.”

“it! was! a! green! card! thing!”

a/n: i tried doing the funky colored text thing when they were texting, but trying to edit the html is scary & i don’t need that kind of stress :)

[dark-and-twisty-01]

Discussion time;

so.. when I was around 8 I believe my moms ex boyfriend was really weird with me and I had a gut feeling that something was wrong and I did try to run away but it didn't work and eventially it lwd to the point of me being hit so badly on my bum that I couldn't sit down on anything other than a pillow. This person also used to make me eat a soup that would make me gag and my mother knew about it, if I refused to eat something it would be poured over my head including my own vomit which at one point I was forced to eat. I couldn't really explain it very well to my school nurse at the time why I was in so much pain because he told me to not tell anyone so I tried not to but the pain when I tried sitting down at school was unbearable.

The only way I could explain it to my school nurse was that my bum looked like a dalmatians spots. And before I knew it I had social services around me and police it was crazy, I had to go to hospital to have photos taken and the machine was so loud that it scared me so I put my hands over my ears. I was terrified. I couldn't sleep unless I had the light on and I used to repeatedly wet the bed. I had to have a recorded chat with a police officer in a room for court not that I'd be allowed to attend which I wish I could have.

So, I had lost trust in men completely because I was petrified of it happening again so I only used to date women until I met my current boyfriend who showed me different.

Me and my mom don't get on very well as she is friends with one of my abusers and she used to chase me up the stairs and hit me repeatedly if I annoyed her. She used to lock the kitchen up so I couldn't eat and would lock me in the house so I couldn't get out. She also would lock up the living room so I couldn't watch tv. The only rooms I had access to were mine, the bathroom and her room. In the end as gross as this is I used to eat frozen food, and now I eat so fast that I have actually chipped my teeth because I never know when my next meal is. I always eat really fast even though I know I can afford to get myself something to eat even though I don't know how to cook much stuff.

So when I was 15 my moms friend asked to see me naked when I was upset about a horse who was dying of colic and I didn't know if she would survive or not. I immediately said no but I was pressured to getting my breasts out and I remember crying and he later apologised when bringing me cake. No one at school believed me, my mom didn't believe me and because she wouldn't leave the room when the police officer was there I told them I had lied. Which made me angrier to do. So I hatched a plan to catch him out which I did when I was 19 and the situation was far worse and when it all came out no one gave a shit.

When I was 17 I was depressed but I never knew I was, I would of had moments where I'd sit and cry and then I'd be okay. My teacher who was 28 at the time committed suicide and I blamed myself for it. Me and my classmates were not very nice people and I wasn't a very nice person when I was 17. We used to mess around all the time when she was trying to teach us and right before we knew she had died I remember saying to her I hate you, see you after half-term. I never hated her but she would annoy me but I never in all my life expect someone to be dead the next time we hear about them. I blamed myself to the point of self-destruction. I went to her funeral to say goodbye and then my life spiralled out of control.

I felt very suicidal and I messaged a friend about it and she told me "I don't care if you fucking kill yourself" so here I was offing myself to a whole pack of paracetamol at 17. I thought fuck my life, I've had so much shit and I've had enough. So i took the whole box of 500mg paracetamol and then went toilet as I had a urge to go to the toilet. Then I left the house and got on a bus but had no idea where I was going but needed toilet again which I thought was strange not realizing it was the overdose. I was walking around and I messaged my mom saying that I was ovbiously a disgrace and that's why she didn't love me and that's why she allowed all the abuse to happen to me including abusing me herself. I refused to tell her where I was because I wanted to die. Someone else that I was talking to was trying to tell me how good of a person I was but I didn't listen. And then I was calling and texing people telling them I'm sorry for being a horrible person or of I ever said anything horrible to them. I was a mess, a real mess.

I remember sitting down and then not gettint back up, I lost the feeling to my legs and this then set in.. fuck, I'm actually going to die. But I still didn't really care, I had a police officer texting me whilst my phone was dying and I was arguing with her, she had found my diary of how I'd spoken about my abuse and all the other crap and I told her. You're properly a man, you don't give a shit about me and you'll probably use me like they all do. Referring to my abuse as a child and when I was 15. I kept telling her to leave me alone and eventually I turned my phone off. I just wanted to die and I wanted it to hurry up. In the end I was losing my vision,

I couldn't see straight and I sat crying, I had some drunk call me a retard and a woman gave me some tissue because I was crying. But then I started to panic, I was losing control of my body and things got worse and worse. I ended up calling a friend and telling her what happened and she wanted me to go to her and I told her I couldn't. My friend and her mom rushed to me, I kept crying because I wanted to die but I also wanted my pain to stop and I couldn't make it stop. My friends mom sat behind me screaming to keep me awake whilst my friend called my mom and told her she found me and that I was in a really bad way.

No ambulance came for me, I had 3 police cars and they dragged me to the car and the second they pulled off I puked everywhere on my friends mom. Then I somewhat looked up at the police officer I was arguing with was indeed a woman and she was quite distraught from what she had read and wanted to help me. I ended up being on drips and then being sectioned in a mental institution.

I was out cold for 2hrs and woke up barely remembering my own name, I lost a lot of memory and I woke up being someone else. It was an experience that I thought I'd never do again but I was wrong. I got an Addiction to overdosing and have overdosed 7 times, I have BPD which stands for Borderline Personality Disorder and makes it worse when I'm depressed as the suicidal thoughts are a lot worse.

The last suicidal attempt was back in June last year and it was when I scared the absolute shit out of my boyfriend who blames himself. I was feeling quite depressed but I never spoke to anyone about it because I'm a type of person who holds everything in and that's what I used to do all the time. I had an allergic reaction and I was scratching my stomach and then my throat was closing up so I had to have oxygen.. I puked everywhere when the ambulance pulled off and I panicked because I couldn't breathe. When I eventually got seen by a doctor I had liver failure and had to have drips again. My liver levels were 3x over the limit. They were at 250.

Thankfully I haven't felt suicidal in a long time and I'm somewhat mentally doing okay, I try and talk to people if I feel depressed or suicidal and I always try to help other people who have been in the same situation as me. I hope to never do anything like that again because one day it could kill me. And to my current boyfriend, I'm sorry, I love you and thank you for being patient with me. You have shown me so much kindness througuout my trauma and I don't know what I'd do without you.

I hope this story has helped someone in some way.