#she's a perfectionist control freak and hates having emotions

[kaetor]

KICKS DOWN UR DOOR. OC OF UR CHOICE IN RELEVANT FLAG.

hello this is my girl mercy in one of the two gay/pride flag palettes i made cos i wanted to use those

things about her because i am being given an opportunity to talk:

mercy xu she/her , transgender and 15 years old

codename jackdaw

she's part of a superhero team with 3 other members. when she was like 5 or 6 she was kidnapped by an Evil Scientist Doomsday Cult and experimented on which gave her some evil fucked up superpowers; she was used a bit as a weapon for their evil plots against the superheroes of the world but she managed to escape

she doesn't use her powers to fight crime and serves more as a batman-esque figure on the team; she hides their existence from most people because she doesn't want to be tied to her past + she can't control them well

her powers are a vague sort of reality warping scarlet witch type magic but theyre a lot more powerful than her body can handle so if she overtaxes herself doing something big they'll draw on her own energy and possibly kill her if she isn't careful. later on in her story she learns how to use them better & do smaller more specific things that don't leave her sick for multiple days afterwards

[rockpaperimpala]

So about Netflix's the Last Airbender....

I am literally so confused you guys. You made me think I would HATE this show. And I LOVED it. Me. Known perfectionist and hater.

Katara was lovely. Yes, she started as a more soft spoken character than her cartoon version, but she was still passionate and hopeful throughout, just visibly unsure of herself. I think people were thrown off by this actress' natural way of expressing herself, which is Different from animated katara for sure, but not bad. Then she spends the whole season growing in Confidence and Fire. I Adored her fight with Paku, it really did feel like a payout of the whole season's development, and the bending kicked ass!

The Bending Kicked ass!!! The martial arts was fun and fast and creative and exciting! It looked SO good. That alone would be enough reason for me to watch and enjoy any show.

Zuko's actor was fantastic. He really captured the rage and confusion of this 16 year old banished prince. And there were so many Added moments between him and Iroh wich to me enriched their relationship. Like YES! This is why I'm watching, to see more of them, to see things done a little differently.

Iroh facing the consequences of his actions at Ba Sing Se!! That's what I'm here for!

Zuko's relationship with the men on his ship! That's what I'm here for!

The Extra layers we get to Ozai manipulating his children!

Also no one is talking about Admiral Zhao, who I had SO much fun with. I feel like they slightly fleshed out his character in a really dramatic way, really developing the hubris and frankly insane grasping ambition of someone who would kill the moon. I completely enjoyed this wilder, less controlled version of him, who comes up through the season from basically nothing and no one!

I am OBSESSED with King BUMI and his anger and disillusionment with the world! Like this was SO real. Living a hundred years of futile war would do that!!!! It is one of my favorite changes to the whole series. This new layer of emotion and character depth is what I'm here for!

Sokka was SO funny. He literally had me laughing out loud so often. That actor GETs Sokka, and GETS the way his humor is delivered. And is also able to tap into the more vulnerable side of him. People said he was "obsessed" with leadership. WHAT? That is a young person trying desperately to do his best and to try and find his place in the world, to figure what he has to offer. I loved his pride at hearing the Mechanist say that he would make a good engineer, and the sweetness of the moment that Yue's father says that he can be a hero without being a warrior. Sokka does so much growth in this series, in understanding himself and life.

And his chemistry with Suki was adorable!! I even like him and Yue (who was a totally unexpected sweetheart, despite her terrible wig)!! Like he has that same ability that Sokka has in the original to Connect with people.

Aang was great! He WAS fun loving and sweet and funny. I don't know what you guys wanted. Cartoons are always bigger and more exaggerated than live action. People's eyes swell up an, birds fly around their heads, and there are funny sound effects. That larger than life quality is the strength of animation! You have to look for different strength in live action. Like the SUBTLETIES of the acting choices. This little actor brought so much kindness, innocence, and strength to Aang.

And I FELT his frustration at being asked to do this at 12, his fresh hope anytime it looked like someone more experienced would be able to help him and no one did, and that's why he didn't learn waterbending this season, because he kept waiting for an freaking ADULT to show him the way, to help him carry this immense burden, but every adult he meets asks him for help instead, asks him to carry it himself, and then the finale hits and he realizes that there won't be any adults helping, he does have figure this out himself, and he makes the hard choice, takes on responsibility more than his years and offers himself to the ocean spirit, and he might have been lost entirely if not for Katara!

And that counter running theme to the show pays off: that he doesn't have to do it alone. He may not have more experienced guidance, because the adults have let him down again and again, but his friends will be with him, and they will figure it out together!

This is there throughout the series! Katara tells him this about learning waterbending, when he says he still wants to wait. Bumi tells him this in the palace at Omashu, and Aang sees the faith he has in his friends repaid!

I like these changes! And the show still found time for silly fun adventures and character building moments.

The show was never going to be the animated original. That is already a Masterpiece, and it frankly did NOT need to be adapted at all. I did not WANT a live action adaptation. I was adamantly convinced I would hate it. But the changes that they netflix show gave are what I Iike most about it. If I want to see Zuko say "you rise with the moon, I rise with the sun," I will go watch the animated original, because that version is perfect. And now, if i want to see Zuko say "Lu ten would have been proud to have you as a father," and see iroh pull him into a tight hug, I can watch this live action version, which is very good too. I'm going to disagree with most of the people on here and say that the Netflix's Avatar: The Last Airbender, DOES capture the heart of what we liked about the original show. It's spirit, fun, excitement, and characters. And the changes made are the reason we should be watching.

[v3nusxsky]

Could I request a lady lesso X ever!reader. R is in their final year of school about to graduate (and is 18) they are the model student because of their extremely strict parents; head girl, perfect scores and always willing to help anyone in need. However their facade of perfection is slowly crumbling around them because of their massive crush on lady lesso who is the only one who sees through all of the perfectionist control freak bs r holds up as being them when in reality their a mess of anxiety and depression. Their work load, mental health and crush eventually become too much for r to handle and they end up having a breakdown in the middle of a school assembly about how to become the best version of yourself. They end up running out and lesso finds them contemplating ending things. R explains everything to lesso and how as an ever they should never have allowed themself to fall for lesso as they will no doubt be disowned by their family for being gay and in love with a never and how no matter what they've tried they can't stop the feelings they have. R being so worked up and without thinking ends up kissing lesso but lesso tells r to stop because she thinks she is the reason for rs suicidal thoughts which leads r to say they don't regret falling in love with her they only regret letting their family own them and couldn't handle not being with lesso. It ends with them happy together and lesso helping r figure out how to put less pressure on themself.

Forbidden Love

*Authors note ~ this one is gonna be a tough one. Yet I'd be lying if I said I didn't have amazing fun writing it. This happens to be one of my favourite tropes*

Trigger warning~ burning out, anxiety and depression hints of homophobia suicidal thoughts

Prompt~ see ask^^^

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You had quite the reputation in the school for good and evil. Your final year now, you had strings of awards and certificates to celebrate every achievement you had. You were head girl, a straight A student and always going above and beyond for anyone who needs it. The professors absolutely adore you, for years you'd managed to keep this facade up. The perfect child, student and the friend. Yet you held secrets, buried so deep within yourself, that's you almost didn't know they were there. Almost.

It was forbidden you knew that. A massive red warning sign screaming for you to avoid. Not only were you not supposed to be Sapphic but she was your teacher. Sapphic felt right for you, lesbian although accurate you didn't feel as comfortable with the label. The negative associations with it made you really hate yourself, yet sapphic didn't have those connections and it sounded softer and lighter. You didn't bother telling anyone, it was a secret you'd take to the grave with you, after all you couldn't come out. No your parents would lose it at you. And you'd lose that reputation you'd fought so hard to build. You would truly be a disappointment and that thought alone killed you.

You were emotional, you knew that, yet you didn't expect the school assembly to get you in such a state. All the feelings of fear, disgust, anxiety, and pure hate bubble within you. Your need to be in control and protect your reputation causing you to burn out and truthfully hate yourself. You didn't want to live a lie but you couldn't be yourself either, that was something you didn't want either. The assembly hit you hard, all about being who you are accepting yourself and others despite your differences. A constant reminder that you weren't perfect and you never would be. And that thought caused tears to force themselves free from the confines of your eyes, the air struggling to inflate your lungs as your body trembled. Your legs instantly started to carry you from the hall itself, unsure where you were going, you just continued to mindlessly run.

Your secret girlfriend noticed you left abruptly and left instantly after, hot on your heels. When she found you, you looked absolutely broken, you'd curled up, back to the wall sobbing and mumbling about how you can't do this anymore. Things needed to stop. To change. But you didn't want it. But you did. Your thoughts all jumbled and truly making no sense for the older women.

"Little one?" She murmured grabbing your attention and you instantly spilled everything. About how you shouldn't have fallen for the women, about how you needed to be perfection and nothing less. Knowing that as soon as this came out you'd be disowned and lose everything yet you couldn't fight your feelings for her. You didn't want to truly. But everything was so hard and confusing. Why couldn't you just be you, and love who you want to love? You couldn't do this anymore and you couldn't stop yourself, you lurched forward and pressed your lips to Lady Lesso. The kiss was sweet and hesitant and you'd be lying if you said the way she pulled back from you hurt. The rejection you felt worse than anything else you'd been previously feeling. You'd completely made a fool of yourself. Why would she want you?

"Little one, you can't, we can't, I can't be the reason you feel like this love. Don't get me wrong I want you. I truly do, I desire you more than anything else but I can't be the cause of this pain" you mumbled the hurt and confusion was soaking her words and your heart broke. "Leo, no! I don't regret loving you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I just wish I could do it openly. Freely. Where my parents didn't have so much control over me. I need you Leo. Please don't leave me. I love you and I'll never regret it."you whimpered holding her gaze, eyes pleading with her to hear your words and see the truth in them.

"Little one, I'm so so sorry my love. I'm here. We will take it slow darling. Start to slowly take things off that beautiful mind of yours okay? Work on making you feel content in your own skin. I'll be here all the way okay?" She murmured and you nodded throwing yourself into her arms mumbling thanks and reassurance of your love for her. She held you until you had calmed yourself down before guiding your lips to meet hers in a sweet kiss. Claiming you as hers. And you kissed back instantly, loving just how right it felt. Maybe you'd lose your family but you'd be free and with your Leo and that would be worth it all

Word count ~1138

[charmixpower]

What kind of arc or character development would you have wanted to give the characters in the series? Ex. in the case of Timmy, what would his character have been like if they had been more interested in developing it?

This is on top of their already present character arcs

1) Bloom learning to be a leader

2) Expansion on the Charmix plot point where Bloom says shes lost faith in everyone and regained it back

3) Stella dealing with her flippant behavior during serious situations (I swear this is an outgrowth of her thinking people only like her for her looks)

4) Stella learning to like other parts of her self (Stella clearly holds her looks up in highest regard bc she thinks that's the only part of her people like and she wants people to like her, so low self esteem is just a natural consequence)

5) Literally anything for Flora

6) It would have been cool if Flora started out with her late seasons character of being a pushover into her s2 character of being more strong willed

7) Tecna acknowledges the fact that she holds winning above living in a lot of situations (aside from that no notes, Tecna character arcs slay)

8) Musa overcoming her insecurity and dealing with some of her attachment issues (Musa's hostile reaction to Stella, and her immediate obsession with Riven are such "please pick me" behavior. I love her)

9) Attaching Musa's insecurity arc to her being more comfortable in her femininity (Musa constantly mocks Stella for her stereotypical traits and that's on "I'm not like other girls")

10) Aisha clearly hates royal decorum, and politics, and all that stuff, so it always felt weird to me in s3 she flips around to being okay with most of it except for arranged marriages. That should have been dealt with. Either by having Aisha stand up to her parents and reject it all, or by having her parents make concessions and her love of her people outweighing her hatred of royal stuff (Aside from that she slayed on the character development front, no notes)

11) Sky needed a s1 Riven arc. Like, it could have been in s2!!! He was being such a fucking control freak at Bloom, he should of been beatened with the "consequences stick" until he had a "I have a heart" moment, thank you

12) Brandon probably has something going on with putting everyone but himself first and being unable to express his emotions from the child soldier thing and I would love to see that addressed

13) Timmy has a character arc in the background it's just never acknowledged??? Every season they just act that that's how he always was, would love to see Timmy becoming more confident as a part of the narrative and not something they just did bc the plot said so

14) PUT RIVEN'S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT BACK AND STOP FUCKING TOUCHING IT SHOW!! IF HE WAS JUST ALLOWED TO CONTINUE DEVELOPING THE WAY HE WAS GOING IN S1 AND S2 ID HAVE NO NOTES AND YET

15) Literally anything for Helia

16) the Shab stone route is cool, low self esteem perfectionist is so conserned about fucking group projects up

17) Nabu learning what the world is like after being sheltered for so long would be amazing (s4 lies to you, Nabu gets all his romance knowledge from books and Disney movies, he couldn't give relationship advice if the answer punched him in the face)

18) Diaspro has Riven's problem but worse, at least they never regressed his character back to villain. Like wft!!! Diaspro's character should have been allowed to grow after s2

19) Roxy has an actual arc from hating magic to being cool with it instead of just flipping from one to another when her life is in danger. Like I get it, but that wouldn't make her like magic, that would just make her tolerate it bc it saved her life

20) Galatea realizes that Melody has a huge poverty problem and vows to fix it

21) Chimera realizes her mom sucks and helps Stella (this one is Rus wish fulfillment baybe)

22) The Trix actually reacts to the fact that they've gotten their ass kicked every time they fight the Winx and always get betrayed. Like let them have a mental break down and lash out from rage but mostly Icy

23) Seeing how the Trix ended up following the ancestral Witches. NOT LIKE THAT. I vote cult for Stormy and Darcy, and Icy is just kinda like this. Some people just

24) Mirta and Lucy having some sort of conversation, idc if they make up or stop talking I just want SOMETHING

25) I wanna see an older Anne meet Aisha so bad

[primalspice]

Carrie :3 💭, 🖊️ , 🖊️ , 🍃, 💔 , 🍝, 🍸, 🧐, 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

she

💭 THOUGHT BALLOON — what is your oc's MBTI, enneagram, and/or other personality aspects (if known/interested in)?

i love my oc universe of 10000 INTJ women

I didn't do the test for enneagram but i think she's probably a three. i think she falls between a 4 and 5 on these 'healthiness levels' she is terribly self conscious no matter how much she tries not to be. girl you are middle aged you can do wtf you want in this world.

🖊️ BALLPOINT PEN — does your oc have any tattoos? do they want any (more) tattoos?

nahh i dont see her as much of a tattoo fan sadly shes too prissy for that she likes to look Clean and Elegant. sorry no secret tattoo reveal </3 if she DID get one tho i think it'd be like. dainty flower anklet tattoo. estrogen molecule tattoo if she stopped being such a hater. stereotypical yes but she's a biochemist too she cant NOT get that.

💯 HUNDRED POINTS SYMBOL — share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

I've said this before but genuinely she is semi-proficient in chinese she studied it in college she's just that kind of white person.

She likes ~Intellectual Music~ (TOOL FAN ALERT). Mostly in the realm of rock music tho. she likes pink floyd and the beatles n shit. enough of a music-enjoyer to own a record player, not enough of a music-enjoyer to go to a concert that isn't at a seated venue.

ok evil fact but her ass was in the gay bars during the aids epidemic shaking her head disapprovingly. she never really had many friends/partners bcz shes horrible to talk to and Too Good For That so i mean she didnt have a TON on the line but it did effect her psychologically as if she wasnt already self-hating enough.

🍃 LEAVES FLUTTERING IN WIND — what is/was your oc's favorite subject in school?

science has always been her truest love. she's a bigger fan of 'pure' and technical mathy stuff than the more active practical fields. she'll take stuff like biochemistry (her college major), molecular biology, biophysics over stuff like physiology or ecology or etc. any day. shes kinda a freak for that but i guess Someone's gotta do it.

💔 BROKEN HEART — what are three of your oc's negative traits?

self-hatred and denial guide the majority of her life choices and beliefs even at her old ass age. honestly this one is pretty much the background to anything else i could list here. shes not really as outwardly self-destructive as her colleagues but her shame has made her unbearably bitter and brooding and resentful. refuses therapy.

she does not work well with others. she is controlling and a perfectionist and is very familiar with purposefully manipulating projects to the point that no one dares to collaborate on them with her for any longer. yeah if you want something right do it yourself but. its horribly inefficient and also shes not always right sadly

she is standoffish. this kinda relates to the to above but shes really just kinda offputting for no reason at times LOL. she will absolutely not approach others before they approach her. she will not use exclamation points in that email. she will not offer you a cup of coffee when she goes to get one for herself. it's strictly business here.

🍝 SPAGHETTI — what is/are your oc's favorite food(s)?

idk shes kinda bougie and skinny. her ass is eating steaks and salads.

🍸 COCKTAIL GLASS — what is your oc's favorite alcoholic drink, if they can drink?

idk i think shes open-minded when it comes to drinks but i think she'd order like a rosé or white wine some cutesy mixed drink like an espresso martini or mojito or a cosmo

🧐 FACE WITH MONOCLE — is your oc more logical or emotional?

she's pretty cold and logical but her emotions are certainly more at play than she'd like to admit. shes very reasonable and safe and calculated most of the time but one may argue it is her anxiety and risk-averseness that is causing that.

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 FAMILY WITH MOTHER, FATHER, SON AND DAUGHTER — how many people are in your oc's immediate family? how many people are in your oc's extended family? do they have aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc? who in their family are they closest with? are they close with their birth family, or do they have a found family?

she hasn't really interacted with her family in many years so the answer is sorta 0, but i think her mom and dad are still alive, just old. i think she's maybe a middle child. has a brother and sister perhaps? i've not thought about it much but it sounds like something she'd be pissy about. she removed herself from the family bcz they are viciously transphobic and she doesn't really have found-family either unless u wanna count whatever the hell shes got going on with the bruno-aspen-vic bunch. she is very lonely but shes FINE with it ITS FINE.

[jackofailtrades]

Vizerxa Mortem

Bringer of Death (Elovuxen [made-up/in-progress language for my worlds] and latin)

Goddess of Strategy and Observation

Second/current Leader of the Fallen Pantheon

Vizerxa was the second daughter of Fractal Mortem, the perfectionist ruler of Amist Memoriam. Due to being physically weak and unable to control the shadows, thanks to the interference of the Ancient Deities (the beings that supposedly created her world), Vizerxa was considered less than her siblings. She allied with Light Song, the previous leader of the Fallen, for power and to be remembered. She hates Light Song and her methods, but went along with them to gain her trust and become an Elite, while slowly gaining the trust and alliance of the other Fallen Deities. She's been slowly syphoning Light Song's power for centuries, and when they were around equal in power, she killed Light Song and became the new Fallen Leader, having one of the smoothest power translations in the Pantheons despite having been bedridden and weak for a month due to the Loyalty Bond and a sudden cut in the power syphon for the obvious reasons of betraying and killing her leader.

Vizerxa is observant and calculating, keeping her emotions unknown and often seen as cold or uncaring. She keeps her ties to others completely unknown if she can, preferring that no one has any information they can use against her. She's paranoid of others betraying her, though doesn't show it, and is actually considered the most empathetic member of the Fallen Pantheon, having 'accidentally' adopted a couple children she saved, and often calming dying beings. She's actually protective of her family, and hates seeing others in pain. 

If she doesn't like someone or wants them to leave her alone, she has a habit of essentially telling them all of their hidden feelings and relations, since her observation skills tend to freak others out.

Vizerxa is fascinated by psychology and most life, and enjoys playing boardgames (especially chess, since she owns a chessboard that can show ones alliances and enemies), and playing the piano, violin, and flute. She also likes reading nonfiction and mythology books, and enjoys cold (freezing) weather.

She dislikes light shades of blue, foxes, marigold plants, crocus flowers, overly energetic beings. She hates physical contact and wasps.

-She's physically unable to tell lies other than lies of omission.

-she has a pet Phoenix named Xerqik. She also has two adopted children (Ezeri and Xicuri)

-She's also one of the only non-megaversal beings to have an Emblem (a symbol that essentially represents her, and appears on those who swear allegiance specifically to her.) it's unclear if this is because of her ties to Zenza and Doomsday, two Megaversal beings, or if she's just powerful.

Vizerxa's main weapon is a handgun.

-She, as well as her siblings, died February 12, 1432, and is a spirit. All Draconic Deities are spirits, actually.

-Vizerxa has a lot of trouble remembering or memorizing faces and physical features, but can remember almost anything else about a person.

[spidersbane]

Hello! Can I get MCU, The Hobbit, and The Man From U.N.C.L.E. ship? 💚

Appearance: She/her. 179,5cm tall, rectangle body shape. Fair skin complexion with quite a few birthmarks. Dyed brown with honey-red highlights, shoulder-length, straight hair with bangs. The left eye is a mix of two colors – a smaller portion of (darker) greyish-blue and a larger portion of hazel; while the right eye is just a (lighter) greyish-blue. Heptagon face shape with two dimples on the left cheek and one on the right cheek (only visible while smiling). A gap between the upper front teeth.

Personality (good and bad traits): Ever since I was a kid, I was always quite mature for my age – I identify myself as an old soul. I come off as polite and well-mannered to strangers, yet I tend to keep it to myself by being reserved. But, that’s because I have social anxiety and I’m nervous and shy when meeting/talking to people. The only people I’m comfortable with being with my inner circle – closest friends and family. I am usually more “open” with my friends than with my family. With my friends I can be my “truest-self” – I smile more, I laugh more, I feel more accepted and understood. I am the mom and the fashionista of the group. Don’t get me wrong, I am fiercely protective of my family, especially of my mother and younger sister. But, lately, I’ve been feeling like the “black sheep” of the family, Cinderella who’s been taken advantage of. I express my affection for the people I care about in little, but practical, ways. I can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Others turn to me for help and advice. I’m kind-hearted and generous, always ready to help a person in need. Always have been motherly towards children. Very awkward at keeping small talk (usually with people that I’m not that close with). Absolutely, hate speaking in front of a public, and if I do, because of my nervousness, I tend to mess up my words and/or I practice whatever I’m about to say in my head at first. I appreciate the simplicity and am often most comfortable when I’m not getting too much attention from the world. I am sensitive – both to criticism and to others’ feelings (I sponge up the feelings and moods of people and the environment around me). Have a hard time saying no or expressing my true thoughts, feelings. I get influenced by other people’s opinions/thoughts quite hard (I take everything to the heart), that is why I tend to keep a lot to myself (may come off as a little bit tense, secretive, mysterious). I avoid the harsh reality by daydreaming (almost every day) – imagining myself in situations far from my current circumstances. Sort of like a self-escape. I worry a lot and overthink almost everything. I am easily distracted and my attention span can be quite short. I have an internal struggle between my needs and wants. I can lack focus and be indecisive as a result – when I decide on one route, I am pulled in another direction at the same time (“But what if…”, “on the other hand...”). That is why I’m having a bit of a struggle with deciding what I want to do in the future (career-wise). I am easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. There is a self-destructive side to me (self-critical, lack of self-confidence) that I’m working on by confronting my fears (coming out of my shell). Don’t like taking pictures, or other people taking pictures of me. I feel most content when I’ve straightened out all the details of everyday life. I have a routine, that I follow by mostly every day, and if something small changes in that routine, I start to have a small internal anxiety attack. Also, I like to do things my own way, like, when it comes to cleaning the house or organizing stuff, etc. I get triggered even if people don’t do the laundry the way I do. I guess you could describe me as a perfectionist, clean/control freak. In triggering situations I can be impulsive, spontaneous, quick to act. Quick flare-ups of anger/annoyance when being provoked on my patience. Even when I’m feeling low, I manage to find humor in life and have fun with whatever I do have. Although I tend to bottle things up, I am an emotional person and my emotions are genuine – I love and care deeply and passionately and wish no ill will upon anyone, yet it hards for me to imagine someone falling in love with me or just liking me.

Hobbies, likes: My hobbies are cleaning, writing (re-writing song lyrics, making small notes, writing stories), listening to any type of music, catching up on my favorite films and TV shows, hanging out with friends, going to the cinema, or the club, being out in nature, reading, traveling. I like history, cooking, fashion magazines (or fashion in general), road trips, spirituality, mythology, books, orange juice, previous decades, cottage-core, dark academia.

Overall: Hufflepuff. INFP-T. Bi-sexual. Pisces-Aries cusp sign. “Looks like could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll.” A feminist, support LGBTQ+ community. That’s it, thank you!

hey @pataim ! thanks so much for sending in your request, and thank you so much for your honesty about yourself. like it takes a lot to air yourself out like that, and I admire your strength for it. but also fINALLY a 'Man from U.N.C.L.E' ship! I love that movie and attempt Illya's accent all the time, so this will be fun :)

For the MCU/Marvel - I ship you with Steve Rogers/Captain America ! 

no one can tell me that Steve doesn’t have a set routine honestly, so let me just get that out there 

he seems intimidating at first, esp as a public figure and Avenger, but Steve is nothing but passionate about what he does. so it may clash w your lack of direction, but I could honestly see him envying that a lil bit, like it’s not that you don’t have direction, it’s the fact that you still have a choice in the matter. 

your love of history put you in a museum, here you bumped into Steve in a horrible disguise. he struck up the conversation first, and once you got past the whole “holy crap that’s Captain America”, you could actually engage with him in the material and boi was he smitten 

he would love to join you when your rewatched your fave things, bc not only is he catching up on more media he missed out on, he’s also getting to know your interests in a way that’s comfortable with you. it avoids all the small talk, but leaves room for discussion after the film/show ! 

since you tend to sponge up a lot of what other people believe, it’s totally Steve who actually tries to question what you think and what you feel about things. he’s someone who encourages you to have your own opinions and to stay true to those thoughts. so while with him, you can rely on him to learn about yourself, you also gain skills for independence

overall, Steve is super patient, and despite his chaotic job as Cap, he takes comfort in his routine, and would find comfort incorporating a partner’s routine into his life. and as you grow in a relationship with him, he’s patient about teaching you how to be your own person, and helping you learn more about yourself. and while it’s uncomfortable, you grow stronger throughout being with him :) 

For The Hobbit - I ship you with Bilbo Baggins !

Bilbo is the definition of introvert, and you're right there with him

not that introversion is ever a bad thing, bc it isn't. but Bilbo is quite content to sit in his little hobbit hole and vibe. like Gandalf had to come find him, ya know. dude disappeared from his own bday.

but anyways. it's not that Bilbo lacks purpose, it's just that he's more content with a quieter life. and it seems like his quiet life would balance you out well! like the Shire is so so chill, and there doesn't really seem to be a lot of pressure on the hobbits to pick a profession. like they just genuinely do what needs to get done.

similarly, Bilbo is the type who seems a little bothered by mushy displays of affection. exhibit a: disappearing from his own bday. like he's much more the type to refill your tea when y'all are reading by the fireplace, which he would totally do w you

it will probs take you a little while to warm up to each, given just how introverted you both are. but when he explains that he has set ways of doing things, then if they're compatible w your ways of doing things, then it doesn't take you long to open up to him

like it'll be a little jarring, but he takes comfort in his routines too. and it'll be an event trying to incorporate both of your ways of life together, but he's willing to do it

overall, yours is a very quaint partnership, built on deep respect for one another. neither of you are going to push the other to do things you aren't into. and y'all just live your best lives together tbh :)

For The Man From U.N.C.L.E - I ship you with Illya Kuryakin !

I love my big Russian spy so much, so this is fun for me

so Illya is the epitome of reserved and generally quiet, so it might take a while to really break down his walls and talk to him. and he's not quite sure what to do with you once you join the team

but, he's playing his game of chess alone, and when you sit down and ask to play with him, he opens up a little more after that

if you're one who get sent out on mission with the team, get ready, bc sometimes those missions require a lot of improvising. but you'd probably be at whatever 'base' was, helping run operations from a more secure place. but Illya and Napoleon improvise a lot, leading to a lot of headaches for you and Waverly

Illya has small bursts of anger, but similar to Gaby, most times, you can intervene and he doesn't get violent. or when he does, he tries to make sure it isn't in front of you. but bc you care so deeply for him, you're there for him in the aftermath. and that's how you show your love for him.

by patching him up if he gets cut, by talking him down when he's angry. and just generally trying to take care of him. and he totally does the same for you, especially if you get sent out into the field

and much to Illya's dismay, Solo doesn't refrain form making jokes about you. but if you can take them in stride, then Solo welcomes you into the team just as well :)

[brokenhardies]

all of the people emojis for amber!

👁️ EYE - what colour are their eyes? do people notice their eyes? is there anything special about them (shows emotion easily, literally magical...)?

Amber's eyes are a sort of golden brown, that when she was born was confused for amber, which is where her name came from! People to tend to notice her eyes. There is something very special about them, when in Emissary Mode, they glow a bright gold!

🤥 LYING - are they good liars? do they have tells to show they're lying?

Amber is an awful liar, mostly because she hates liars and it would be hypocritical if she wasn't. Her tells are quite obvious, fidgeting, pursing her lips, stuttering over her words... Occasionally she panics and mumbles so people don't even hear her!

👻 GHOST - do they believe in ghosts? what are their "ghostly experiences", if any?

tbh I don't think she believed in ghosts until she entered the Rock of Eternity for the second time and witnessed the Black Adam/Vida flashback. Later, meeting Kid Eternity definitely helped with that belief!

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

Anger! It's something that she has trouble with and has always had trouble with. She usually bottles up her emotions until they explode, and we do see how damaging that is with how quickly she goes into full Emissary Mode

😭 CRYING - what makes them cry? do they cry easily?

Amber doesn't cry that easily, but when she does it's a mess. Snot nosed and puffy eyed as she takes out her sadness with anger. Remembering her dad definitely causes her to cry, maybe sniffle a bit.

👊 PUNCH - are they quick to violence?

Humorously, she wasn't until she became the Emissary. Amber is a pacifist and tends to prefer staying back or talking out conflicts. However, when her people are involved, she turns to anger and violence quite quickly, such as nearly breaking Sivana's neck, or throwing a car at Harrow

💢 ANGER - what are some habits they have that will take some getting used to?

Amber is a perfectionist and a control freak. If you live with her and are messy or untidy, expect her to organize everything to her liking. Typically, you have to make sure that you're home when she does this -- it's part of her stress response. Considering a hc I have about a certain murder cabbie, poor Amber's about ready to throw a fit when he moves things to drop hints he's there :')

👪 FAMILY - what is their family like? what is your ocs relationship to them? does your oc have any siblings?

Most of Amber's family is found family -- the Shazamily and Moon Knight system both take up those roles in her life. She has a great relationship with that family, and did have a good relationship with her dad before he passed. She saw her dad as a superhero, which was surprisingly accurate considering he was the previous Emissary :')

😨 FEARFUL - when scared, do they go into "flight" or "fight"?

She more goes into Freeze, stiffening up and not really communicating or behaving naturally. She just stands still and in shock, not really talking or moving.

💤 SLEEPING - do they fall asleep easily? what helps them sleep?

Amber crashes quite easily, tending to pass out the second her head hits the pillow. She often will wake up in the middle of the night due to nightmares or other things, and often needs a drink of water or to wrap herself in blankets to keep herself comfy!

[il-ballo-della-vita-maneskin]

Hello! Can I get Måneskin matchup? 💚

Appearance: She/her. 179,5cm tall, rectangle body shape. Fair skin complexion with quite a few birthmarks. Dyed brown with honey-red highlights, shoulder-length, straight hair with bangs. The left eye is a mix of two colors – a smaller portion of (darker) greyish-blue and a larger portion of hazel; while the right eye is just a (lighter) greyish-blue. Heptagon face shape with two dimples on the left cheek and one on the right cheek (only visible while smiling). A gap between the upper front teeth.

Personality (good and bad traits): Ever since I was a kid, I was always quite mature for my age – I identify myself as an old soul. I come off as polite and well-mannered to strangers, yet I tend to keep it to myself by being reserved. But, that’s because I have social anxiety and I’m nervous and shy when meeting/talking to people. The only people I’m comfortable with being with my inner circle – closest friends and family. I am usually more “open” with my friends than with my family. With my friends I can be my “truest-self” – I smile more, I laugh more, I feel more accepted and understood. I am the mom and the fashionista of the group. Don’t get me wrong, I am fiercely protective of my family, especially of my mother and younger sister. But, lately, I’ve been feeling like the “black sheep” of the family, Cinderella who’s been taken advantage of. I express my affection for the people I care about in little, but practical, ways. I can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Others turn to me for help and advice. I’m kind-hearted and generous, always ready to help a person in need. Always have been motherly towards children. Very awkward at keeping small talk (usually with people that I’m not that close with). Absolutely, hate speaking in front of a public, and if I do, because of my nervousness, I tend to mess up my words and/or I practice whatever I’m about to say in my head at first. I appreciate the simplicity and am often most comfortable when I’m not getting too much attention from the world. I am sensitive – both to criticism and to others’ feelings (I sponge up the feelings and moods of people and the environment around me). Have a hard time saying no or expressing my true thoughts, feelings. I get influenced by other people’s opinions/thoughts quite hard (I take everything to the heart), that is why I tend to keep a lot to myself (may come off as a little bit tense, secretive, mysterious). I avoid the harsh reality by daydreaming (almost every day) – imagining myself in situations far from my current circumstances. Sort of like a self-escape. I worry a lot and overthink almost everything. I am easily distracted and my attention span can be quite short. I have an internal struggle between my needs and wants. I can lack focus and be indecisive as a result – when I decide on one route, I am pulled in another direction at the same time (“But what if…”, “on the other hand...”). That is why I’m having a bit of a struggle with deciding what I want to do in the future (career-wise). I am easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. There is a self-destructive side to me (self-critical, lack of self-confidence) that I’m working on by confronting my fears (coming out of my shell). Don’t like taking pictures, or other people taking pictures of me. I feel most content when I’ve straightened out all the details of everyday life. I have a routine, that I follow by mostly every day, and if something small changes in that routine, I start to have a small internal anxiety attack. Also, I like to do things my own way, like, when it comes to cleaning the house or organizing stuff, etc. I get triggered even if people don’t do the laundry the way I do. I guess you could describe me as a perfectionist, clean/control freak. In triggering situations I can be impulsive, spontaneous, quick to act. Quick flare-ups of anger/annoyance when being provoked on my patience. Even when I’m feeling low, I manage to find humor in life and have fun with whatever I do have. Although I tend to bottle things up, I am an emotional person and my emotions are genuine – I love and care deeply and passionately and wish no ill will upon anyone, yet it hards for me to imagine someone falling in love with me or just liking me.

Hobbies, likes: My hobbies are cleaning, writing (re-writing song lyrics, making small notes, writing stories), listening to any type of music, catching up on my favorite films and TV shows, hanging out with friends, going to the cinema, or the club, being out in nature, reading, traveling. I like history, cooking, fashion magazines (or fashion in general), road trips, spirituality, mythology, books, orange juice, previous decades, cottage-core, dark academia.

Overall: Hufflepuff. INFP-T. Bi-sexual. Pisces-Aries cusp sign. “Looks like could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll.” A feminist, support LGBTQ+ community. That’s it, thank you!

ethan, ethan, ethan

he is also an introvent and seems mature, so i think he would very easily understand where you are coming from. he would appreciate your routine, but would also try to get you out of your shell. don’t get me wrong, he wouldn’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with, but would try to make you comfortable with being more open, both to new experiences and new people.

whenever you panic over something, worry too much or have doubts, he would be there to comfort you and stop you from feeling low. when it comes to being too affected and influenced by other people’s opinions and thoughts, i think he would definitely understand, as someone who needs to listen to what people want from him and his band, but would always be there to help you understand that your opinion is valid and the most important one. he would also remind you all the time that you deserve to be loved and that you are loved.

you would be hanging out with your friends and go to parties with them whenever you both feel like it, but would also spend much time just reading, cooking, going for long walks and to cinemas on your own. i also think road trips, whether with friends or not, where you listen to music, bring orange juice and travel to places you would both like to visit would be a must.

to people you would seem like a quiet and shy, cute couple, though you’d probably be far louder and more playful when with people you hold dear.

have a great day💕

[kyutown]

Hello! Can I get Stray Kids, ATEEZ, BTS, and NCT ships? 💚

Appearance: She/her. 179,5cm tall, rectangle body shape. Fair skin complexion with quite a few birthmarks. Dyed brown with honey-red highlights, shoulder-length, straight hair with bangs. The left eye is a mix of two colors – a smaller portion of (darker) greyish-blue and a larger portion of hazel; while the right eye is just a (lighter) greyish-blue. Heptagon face shape with two dimples on the left cheek and one on the right cheek (only visible while smiling). A gap between the upper front teeth.

Personality (good and bad traits): Ever since I was a kid, I was always quite mature for my age – I identify myself as an old soul. I come off as polite and well-mannered to strangers, yet I tend to keep it to myself by being reserved. But, that’s because I have social anxiety and I’m nervous and shy when meeting/talking to people. The only people I’m comfortable with being with my inner circle – closest friends and family. I am usually more “open” with my friends than with my family. With my friends I can be my “truest-self” – I smile more, I laugh more, I feel more accepted and understood. I am the mom and the fashionista of the group. Don’t get me wrong, I am fiercely protective of my family, especially of my mother and younger sister. But, lately, I’ve been feeling like the “black sheep” of the family, Cinderella who’s been taken advantage of. I express my affection for the people I care about in little, but practical, ways. I can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Others turn to me for help and advice. I’m kind-hearted and generous, always ready to help a person in need. Always have been motherly towards children. Very awkward at keeping small talk (usually with people that I’m not that close with). Absolutely, hate speaking in front of a public, and if I do, because of my nervousness, I tend to mess up my words and/or I practice whatever I’m about to say in my head at first. I appreciate the simplicity and am often most comfortable when I’m not getting too much attention from the world. I am sensitive – both to criticism and to others’ feelings (I sponge up the feelings and moods of people and the environment around me). Have a hard time saying no or expressing my true thoughts, feelings. I get influenced by other people’s opinions/thoughts quite hard (I take everything to the heart), that is why I tend to keep a lot to myself (may come off as a little bit tense, secretive, mysterious). I avoid the harsh reality by daydreaming (almost every day) – imagining myself in situations far from my current circumstances. Sort of like a self-escape. I worry a lot and overthink almost everything. I am easily distracted and my attention span can be quite short. I have an internal struggle between my needs and wants. I can lack focus and be indecisive as a result – when I decide on one route, I am pulled in another direction at the same time (“But what if…”, “on the other hand...”). That is why I’m having a bit of a struggle with deciding what I want to do in the future (career-wise). I am easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. There is a self-destructive side to me (self-critical, lack of self-confidence) that I’m working on by confronting my fears (coming out of my shell). Don’t like taking pictures, or other people taking pictures of me. I feel most content when I’ve straightened out all the details of everyday life. I have a routine, that I follow by mostly every day, and if something small changes in that routine, I start to have a small internal anxiety attack. Also, I like to do things my own way, like, when it comes to cleaning the house or organizing stuff, etc. I get triggered even if people don’t do the laundry the way I do. I guess you could describe me as a perfectionist, clean/control freak. In triggering situations I can be impulsive, spontaneous, quick to act. Quick flare-ups of anger/annoyance when being provoked on my patience. Even when I’m feeling low, I manage to find humor in life and have fun with whatever I do have. Although I tend to bottle things up, I am an emotional person and my emotions are genuine – I love and care deeply and passionately and wish no ill will upon anyone, yet it hards for me to imagine someone falling in love with me or just liking me.

Hobbies, likes: My hobbies are cleaning, writing (re-writing song lyrics, making small notes, writing stories), listening to any type of music, catching up on my favorite films and TV shows, hanging out with friends, going to the cinema, or the club, being out in nature, reading, traveling. I like history, cooking, fashion magazines (or fashion in general), road trips, spirituality, mythology, books, orange juice, previous decades, cottage-core, dark academia.

Overall: Hufflepuff. INFP-T. Bi-sexual. Pisces-Aries cusp sign. “Looks like could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll.” A feminist, support LGBTQ+ community. That’s it, thank you!

hi! thank you for responding!

for stray kids, i think chan would match you well! i feel like chan would never judge you and would love you for who you are! he would never mind you being a "clean freak" and would find the good things of you and love you for being you! he would write lyrics with you and would love to listen to music with you!

for ateez, i think mingi would be a good fit for you! i feel like mingi seems like he could kill but is a cinnamon roll in reality like you! he would be the one who you could go to when you need a hug and i feel like he would enjoy hanging out with you even if you guys are just laying around at home. he would love watching with you and would love eating what you cook!

for bts, i think taehyung would be a nice pair for you! taehyung is the type who would love being in nature and traveling and would enjoy fashion like you! he would understand that you don't like being in photos but would bring his camera to capture the scenery because he would want to remember the times he had with you!

for nct, i think ten would be good for you! ten enjoys nature, listening to music and i feel like the other people that is listed here, he wouldn't care of the flaws you have and would respect your opinions. he wouldn't get angry when you want something to be put in your way and would be calm and that would make you happy!

[rax-writes]

Hello! Can I get MCU, Game of Thrones, TWD, Harry Potter, Måneskin, and Stranger Things ship? 💚

Appearance: She/her. 179,5cm tall, rectangle body shape. Fair skin complexion with quite a few birthmarks. Dyed brown with honey-red highlights, shoulder-length, straight hair with bangs. The left eye is a mix of two colors – a smaller portion of (darker) greyish-blue and a larger portion of hazel; while the right eye is just a (lighter) greyish-blue. Heptagon face shape with two dimples on the left cheek and one on the right cheek (only visible while smiling). A gap between the upper front teeth.

Personality (good and bad traits): Ever since I was a kid, I was always quite mature for my age – I identify myself as an old soul. I come off as polite and well-mannered to strangers, yet I tend to keep it to myself by being reserved. But, that’s because I have social anxiety and I’m nervous and shy when meeting/talking to people. The only people I’m comfortable with are with my inner circle – closest friends and family. I am usually more “open” with my friends than with my family. With my friends I can be my “truest-self” – I smile more, I laugh more, I feel more accepted and understood. I am the mom and the fashionista of the group. Don’t get me wrong, I am fiercely protective of my family, especially of my mother and younger sister. But, lately, I’ve been feeling like the “black sheep” of the family, Cinderella who’s been taken advantage of. I express my affection for the people I care about in little, but practical, ways. I can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Others turn to me for help and advice. I’m kind-hearted and generous, always ready to help a person in need. Always have been motherly towards children. Very awkward at keeping small talk (usually with people that I’m not that close with). Absolutely, hate speaking in front of a public, and if I do, because of my nervousness, I tend to mess up my words and/or I practice whatever I’m about to say in my head at first. I appreciate the simplicity and am often most comfortable when I’m not getting too much attention from the world. I am sensitive – both to criticism and to others’ feelings (I sponge up the feelings and moods of people and the environment around me). Have a hard time saying no or expressing my true thoughts, feelings. I get influenced by other people’s opinions/thoughts quite hard (I take everything to the heart), that is why I tend to keep a lot to myself (may come off as a little bit tense, secretive, mysterious). I avoid the harsh reality by daydreaming (almost every day) – imagining myself in situations far from my current circumstances. Sort of like a self-escape. I worry a lot and overthink almost everything. I am easily distracted and my attention span can be quite short. I have an internal struggle between my needs and wants. I can lack focus and be indecisive as a result – when I decide on one route, I am pulled in another direction at the same time (“But what if…”, “on the other hand...”). That is why I’m having a bit of a struggle with deciding what I want to do in the future (career-wise). I am easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. There is a self-destructive side to me (self-critical, lack of self-confidence) that I’m working on by confronting my fears (coming out of my shell). Don’t like taking pictures, or other people taking pictures of me. I feel most content when I’ve straightened out all the details of everyday life. I have a routine, that I follow by mostly every day, and if something small changes in that routine, I start to have a small internal anxiety attack. Also, I like to do things my own way, like, when it comes to cleaning the house or organizing stuff, etc. I get triggered even if people don’t do the laundry the way I do. I guess you could describe me as a perfectionist, clean/control freak. In triggering situations I can be impulsive, spontaneous, quick to act. Quick flare-ups of anger/annoyance when being provoked on my patience. Even when I’m feeling low, I manage to find humor in life and have fun with whatever I do have. Although I tend to bottle things up, I am an emotional person and my emotions are genuine – I love and care deeply and passionately and wish no ill will upon anyone, yet it hards for me to imagine someone falling in love with me or just liking me.

Hobbies, likes: My hobbies are cleaning, writing (re-writing song lyrics, making small notes, writing stories), listening to any type of music, catching up on my favorite films and TV shows, hanging out with friends, going to the cinema, or the club, being out in nature, reading, traveling. I like history, cooking, fashion magazines (or fashion in general), road trips, spirituality, mythology, books, orange juice, previous decades, cottage-core, dark academia.

Overall: Hufflepuff. INFP-T. Bi-sexual. Pisces-Aries cusp sign. “Looks like could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll.” A feminist, support LGBTQ+ community. That’s it, thank you!

hello, lovely! thank you so much for sending in a ship!!

MCU – Bucky Barnes

Game of Thrones – Robb Stark or Tormund Giantsbane

The Walking Dead – Sasha Williams

Harry Potter – Neville Longbottom

Måneskin – Victoria de Angelis

Stranger Things – Jonathan Byers

[diffuserlover]

Hello! Can I get Stray Kids, ATEEZ, and NCT ship? 💚

Appearance: She/her. 179cm tall, rectangle body shape. Fair skin complexion with quite a few birthmarks. Dyed dark brown-reddish, past shoulder-length, straight hair with bangs. The left eye is a mix of two colors – a smaller portion of (darker) greyish-blue and a larger portion of hazel; while the right eye is just a (lighter) greyish-blue. Heptagon face shape with two dimples on the left cheek and one on the right cheek (only visible while smiling). A gap between the upper front teeth.

Personality (good and bad traits): Ever since I was a kid, I was always quite mature for my age – I identify myself as an old soul. I come off as polite and well-mannered to strangers, yet I tend to keep it to myself by being reserved. But, that’s because I have social anxiety and I’m nervous and shy when meeting/talking to people. The only people I’m comfortable with being with my inner circle – closest friends and family. I am usually more “open” with my friends than with my family. With my friends I can be my “truest-self” – I smile more, I laugh more, I feel more accepted and understood. I am the mom and the fashionista of the group. Don’t get me wrong, I am fiercely protective of my family, especially of my mother and younger sister. But, lately, I’ve been feeling like the “black sheep” of the family, Cinderella who’s been taken advantage of. I express my affection for the people I care about in little, but practical, ways. I can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Others turn to me for help and advice. I’m kind-hearted and generous, always ready to help a person in need. Always have been motherly towards children. Very awkward at keeping small talk (usually with people that I’m not that close with). Absolutely, hate speaking in front of a public, and if I do, because of my nervousness, I tend to mess up my words and/or I practice whatever I’m about to say in my head at first. I appreciate the simplicity and am often most comfortable when I’m not getting too much attention from the world. I am sensitive – both to criticism and to others’ feelings (I sponge up the feelings and moods of people and the environment around me). Have a hard time saying no or expressing my true thoughts, feelings. I get influenced by other people’s opinions/thoughts quite hard (I take everything to the heart), that is why I tend to keep a lot to myself (may come off as a little bit tense, secretive, mysterious). I avoid the harsh reality by daydreaming (almost every day) – imagining myself in situations far from my current circumstances. Sort of like a self-escape. I worry a lot and overthink almost everything. I am easily distracted and my attention span can be quite short. I have an internal struggle between my needs and wants. I can lack focus and be indecisive as a result – when I decide on one route, I am pulled in another direction at the same time (“But what if…”, “on the other hand...”). That is why I’m having a bit of a struggle with deciding what I want to do in the future (career-wise). I am easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. There is a self-destructive side to me (self-critical, lack of self-confidence) that I’m working on by confronting my fears (coming out of my shell). Don’t like taking pictures, or other people taking pictures of me. I feel most content when I’ve straightened out all the details of everyday life. I have a routine, that I follow by mostly every day, and if something small changes in that routine, I start to have a small internal anxiety attack. Also, I like to do things my own way, like, when it comes to cleaning the house or organizing stuff, etc. I get triggered even if people don’t do the laundry the way I do. I guess you could describe me as a perfectionist, clean/control freak. In triggering situations I can be impulsive, spontaneous, quick to act. Quick flare-ups of anger/annoyance when being provoked on my patience. Even when I’m feeling low, I manage to find humor in life and have fun with whatever I do have. Although I tend to bottle things up, I am an emotional person and my emotions are genuine – I love and care deeply and passionately and wish no ill will upon anyone, yet it hards for me to imagine someone falling in love with me or just liking me.

Hobbies, likes: My hobbies are cleaning, writing (re-writing song lyrics, making small notes, writing stories), listening to any type of music, catching up on my favorite films and TV shows, hanging out with friends, going to the cinema, or the club, being out in nature, reading, traveling. I like history, cooking, fashion magazines (or fashion in general), road trips, spirituality, mythology, books, orange juice, previous decades, cottage-core, dark academia.

Overall: Hufflepuff. INFP-T. Bi-sexual. Pisces-Aries cusp sign. “Looks like could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll.” A feminist, support LGBTQ+ community. That’s it, thank you!

Hii! Thank you so much for requesting!! I hope you like your ships!! I got a little carried away so sorry it’s a little long:)

Stray Kids:

I ship you with...

Chan

He is very comforting and knows how to get to you😚

Whenever you are overthinking or overwhelmed he can tell🥲

He will sit you down and try to get you to talk about your feelings with him or he would take you out somewhere to distract you from whatever is overwhelming you💗

He would understand your perfectionist side and always makes sure that everything is perfect for you😁

He keeps you updated with his schedule if it ever changes because he knows how much you like a regular schedule 🥰

You guys probably share a calendar so all of your events are in one space☺️

He finds it so cute how polite and kinda nervous you were when you first met🤩

He always supports you and your goals for coming out of your shell, he is always so proud whenever you do😇

Chan helps you as much as he can when finding something you want to do career wise but due to the amount of stress it gives you I would say it causes some arguments🥲

He would never let the public see you and if your relationship ever gets released he is never saying your name or showing any photos because you knows you don’t like to be in the public eye😭🥰

He is beaming whenever he sees you with kids🥺

You guys are like the mom and dad of stray kids😊

He likes to take you to the studio and work on songs together for fun🤗

You guys go on walks a lot together to just look at the scenery 😌

He never watches shows or movies without you😋

You guys cook together a lot, you guys always have fun it’s not too serious while cooking😆

Extroverts and Introverts go best with each other 🙂

Chan reassures you a lot that he loves you and that he is so grateful to have you in his life☺️

Overall, you and Chan have the sweetest relationship. You guys are literally perfect together🥰

ATEEZ:

I ship you with...

Seonghwa

You and Seonghwa are both perfectionist😊

You guys have a schedule and certain ways of cleaning 🤗

You clean together to make it more fun😚

Wooyoung most likely makes fun of you for it😆🤣

Seonghwa I feel is really good at listening and you can tell he is really listening when you look into his eyes😍

He gets butterflies whenever you are with children he just finds it so cute 🥺😭

He appreciates how you leave little notes in his bag telling him sweet things, he always tries to give you little notes as well😇

Seonghwa is always considerate of your feelings 🥰

Extroverts and introverts go best together🙂

He treats you a lot even if that means just buying the food at the cinema he will do it🤗

When he knows you have had a long day he will cook for you😄

If he has had the worst day or if he is super tired he might just give you the silent treatment, you might have to physically ask him if he’s okay😬

He likes to sit down and have a meal with you 😊

I feel like you both don’t have much patience and kinda lash out on each other but it’s never something super serious😚

Seonghwa absolutely adores your smile and you always find something to laugh about😁

Overall you and Seonghwa have a real connection🥺

NCT ot23:

I ship you with...

Xiaojun

He is so sweet but he also silly😆

You guys are in the studio a lot☺️

He likes to play the guitar for you, you guys have written quite a lot of songs together 🥰

You guys have a lot of nights in just watching movies and cooking together😄

He loves your laugh so much it makes him smile just thinking about it😍

He understands how you like a schedule and doesn’t want to mess it up when something comes up, he always makes sure to call you or text you when he can to tell you😭🤗

He tries not to overwhelm you with his problems cause he feels bad but he also wants to talk to you about it, he has a hard time deciding😚

Xiaojun always makes sure you okay before checking on himself😇

He would never be as kind to his members than he is with you😂💀

Xiaojun loves his snacks, you guys go shopping at least 2 times a week so he can get his snacks🤣

He loves writing with you because he loves to see the passion in your eyes🥰

He studies the way you clean the house because if he ever wants to do it he doesn’t want to get it wrong😆

I don’t think Xiaojun is really into physical affection so I feel like he would be fine without heavy amounts of it😁

He loves how kind you are☺️

He labors to mess around and do anything to make you laugh or smile🙂

Overall you and Xiaojun are really cute and fun🤩

[missnctyukhei]

hopeless - 66 hours

Pairing: idol!Jaehyun x makeupartist!reader

Genre: smut, fluff and also angst

Warnings: swearing, a lot of explicit smut (unprotected sex, dirty talk, rough sex, cunnilingus, fellatio,…)

Word count: 14,6k

a/n: I don’t know why, but the story suddenly flashed into me. I could hardly stop writing. I was thinking to make maybe a series out of it and I also thought to write a Jaehyun POV. But let's see how it develops. Would be very happy if you tell me how you liked the story.

Inspired by this song 

_______________________________________________________________________

"A-ah" A soft moan escaped you as you feel the pressure on the sensitive pearl of your femininity. You feel his lips on your neck, his left hand on your ass. With your hips, you grind against his bump.

It was dark in the hotel room, because you didn’t turned on the light. Only the brightness of the billboards of the city appeared. Shadows settled over your body, but you could see his brown eyes when in a brief moment your views met. He released his hand from your clit to pull his boxers down a bit and put his dick out. You feel his dry skin against your moist folds touching. With his tip he rubbed your clit again and with a deep breath you lean back a bit while your hands still clasped his shoulders. He teased you over and over again, coming with his tip again and again closer to your entrance, but he never penetrated you.

It was intense. It was passionate. It was Jaehyun.

„Beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…“

You open your eyes shocked and couldn’t realize in the first second, where you have just been. You turn off the alarm and turn to the side. Jiho, your co-worker, was lying next to you. She always woke up before the alarm rang and so she was scrolling over the screen of her iPhone. At this moment you come back to yourself and at the same time a deep pain spreads inside you.

It was all just a dream, snatched from the pieces of your memory. Jaehyun wasn’t there. He hadn’t been there in a long time and it still hurt terribly. This emotional pain, the thought that he is no longer with you, feels so physical. Like a knife would pierce your chest. And again and again you have to experience it.

You stare at the ceiling of your hotel room. Your heart was still throbbing like crazy. You wanted to stay in this dream. You didn’t want to go back to reality, into a world without Jaehyun at your side. You feel tears gather in your eyelids. But you didn’t want to cry in front of Jiho. So you decide to lay in the bed a little longer and try to let the first pain go by. It took a while, because over and over again the pictures of your dream, mixed with those of your memories, appear before you. The stitches in your chest go away after the time, but the general pain was a constant companion.

You just couldn’t get over Jung Jaehyun.

As long as you work here and you constantly see him, you couldn’t live your simple and normal life. It was clear to you that you couldn’t go on like this.

An annoyed sigh awakened you from your thoughts. Jiho got up and organized her clothes.

"I just don’t understand why everyone is freaking out because of this day." She tied her hair into a bun and started to put on her clothes.

"Taeil's sleeve is suddenly too long and Mark can’t find his bow tie, but no one should wear a bow tie! Ahhhh ... Yesterday was everything fine.“

Jiho was the lead stylist of NCT 127. She was incredibly talented, creative and she could combine incredible colors and shapes. But she was very modest, wearing only black. Since you started working at SM Entertainment, you got along well with her from the start, even though you didn’t work together at the beginning. At first, you were only responsible for NCT Dream, you were one of many make-up stylists. Jiho was the person who stood up for you and got the bosses to promote you to NCT 127's main makeup artist. She swears to this day that she didn’t do that out of friendship and said it was a pure professional decision. Maybe she wasn’t completely honest, but you never questioned it.

"Only once I would like to enjoy a hotel breakfast in peace."She sighs heavily again while putting her BB cream and mascara on her face. Actually, she was told that she had the morning off. But as always, something had to be reworked. Everyone was stressed in the last few days. SM Entertainment has managed to conclude a contract with Capitol Records. NCT 127 was invited to an event where stars like Katy Perry also appeared. Everything had to be perfect and everyone worked beyond their hours.

"Should I bring you something?" You turn to the side, because you weren’t ready to get up yet. Beside her, you had the morning off.

"No, that should do fucking Kibum, who stole my free morning."

Kibum was one of the two main managers of NCT 127 and he took everything very seriously. He was a terrible perfectionist and often made the whole team work more than it needed to be. Jiho and Kibum had a very special relationship. Most of the time they hated each other, but then they made it to sleep with each other again and again. Maybe it was just a way to deal with their anger. It will probably never be understandable.

"What are you going to do this morning?" Jiho turns to you and closes her mascara again.

"I don’t know, I think I'll go for a walk and maybe I'll find a nice cafe to collect my thoughts." Your gaze went out the window and suddenly your eyes became glassy again. You sit up and try to hide your sadness as much as possible.

"You will tell him today?" Jiho didn’t move and looked over at you anxious. You try to swallow the pain and turn back to her and nodding. For a while she kept looking at you worriedly. She sighed and when she wanted to say something, her phone started to ring.

"Shit it's Kibum! I gotta go! We'll talk in the evening." She puts the mascara aside, grab her bag and start running.

As the door closed, loneliness suddenly hit you like a strike. The silence made your pulse rise again and you didn’t want to be alone with your thoughts for a second. You turn on your playlist as fast as possible. It wasn’t a normal playlist because in this list where songs which you didn’t associate with Jaehyun. You loved listening to music with him, and in the time you were a couple, you shared a lot of songs with each other. So it wasn’t easy for you after your breakup to hear music again. Almost every one of your favorite artists made your heart broken. In the beginning you only heard podcasts, but over time you found new styles of music and artists that you havn’t shared with Jaehyun yet. The music brought you down and you could now start your day slowly. You took a shower, put on make-up and styled your hair. Especially today it was important to you to look good. That's why it took more time than actually thought. But you didn’t mind because it relaxed you a bit.

But your caffeine addiction slowly pushed you out of the hotel. Since the tour of America was over, you didn’t like the hotel breakfast anymore. If time allowed, you always tried to explore the local bakery. In rare cases, when Jaehyun had the morning off too, you always ordered breakfast in the hotel room. But lately a simple coffee was enough for you, maybe even a Croissant. But today you didn’t feel like eating. You were too nervous, because you knew exactly what you had to expect today. And actually, you just wanted to get out of the hotel so you couldn’t meet anyone. Instead of the lift you took the stairs, you try to bypass the rooms of your co-workers. You only had to go through the lobby and pray that no one stops you. When you entered the hall, you couldn’t see anyone from your company, but as you walked past the reception desk, you saw Jaehyun, Johnny and Mark standing with their manager.

Your legs suddenly became heavy and you were unable to leave the lobby faster. Jaehyun's eyes hit you and a cold shiver ran down your spine. For a few seconds you stare at him, but you try to get yourself back to reality. Your heart was pounding like crazy again and you can feel his eyes following you. You breathe heavily and try to get out of the hotel as fast as possible. You need to confront him early enough anyway.

It didn’t take long before you found a cute little cafe near the hotel. You order your classic coffee variation: a double espresso with a shot of oatmilk. Then you sit down to a window and watched the hustle of the city. Soon your thoughts drift off to Jaehyun again. It had been over 4 months since he left you. You still couldn’t understand how this could happen. One day you were happy and suddenly he didn’t want to be with you anymore.

"I think it's better if we break up, otherwise we'll both lose our job." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He didn’t dare to look at you. But you couldn’t believe what he just said.

"Where does this come from?" The first tear rolled over your cheek, but actually you didn’t want to show yourself so weak. You wonder about yourself that you could answer him. The shock was deep and most of the time you didn’t have words in situations like this. But you couldn’t quite believe him. Was this real?

"I think about us ..." He looked up at you carefully, but you can’t understand anything of this. It almost felt like he was speaking another language.

"We worked so hard for it, we shouldn't destroy that." It was so ridiculous what he said, so you even had to laugh contemptuously.

„Don't talk about me, if you only mean yourself." More tears rolled down your face because you couldn’t control your emotions anymore.

„We've come this far with NCT 127. Soon we'll be known around the world - if I have a relationship, then they'll kick me out. And after all, according to my contract, I have a dating ban." He tries to take your hand, but you pull it away immediately. Your whole body hurts, even every breath was hurting. The whole situation was so unimaginable for you.

"That didn’t bother you the last 8 months either." You shake your head, hoping that it could only be a dream. But it was real. Every word that Jaehyun said was true.

"Can I clear that up?" The barista suddenly stood in front of you with a tablet and pointed to your empty cup. You nod dizzy and straighten yourself again. You were so far away from reality with your thoughts that you had to recollect yourself. You look at your phone first and you see that time has passed by in flight. It was time to return to the hotel to start your work again.

Back at work you went quickly through the to-do-list with you staff.

"Should I work with Jaehyun again?" Minna, one of the makeup artist, asked. Lately you've always assigned Jaehyun to her. You wanted to see him as little as possible and you didn’t wanted to be with him in a room alone.

"No, I'm first at Taeyong and then at Jaehyun. Don’t forget that everyone has to finish their work at 3pm." There is a brief murmur and everyone went into the room that was assigned to them.

First, Taeyong came to you. You like to work with him together, because it was always super relaxed. He always had his AirPods inside and didn’t say much. It was always easy and pleasant with him. The hardest part for you was always Mark, because the poor boy fell a lot asleep from exhaustion. But his face had to be often tense during make-up to achieve the best result. But in general, you liked all very much. You only sometimes miss Renjun the most. He was the kindest of the Dreamies and you liked him the most of all idols in this company. You knew he was going through a lot lately and it hurt you that you couldn’t be with him. You had a good relationship and sometimes you talk to each other on the phone. He was like a little brother, or sometimes even like a son to you.

After you finished Taeyongs makeup, he thanked you and left the room. You clean your brushes and fix everything when you hear the door buckle being pulled down. Your pulse got higher and you check your appearance in the mirror again. The door opened and Jaehyun stepped inside. You turn to him and your eyes met. He looked surprised, but closed the door.

"Hi." His voice was gentle and calm. It was like balm for your soul. You smiled and for a few seconds it was like you never broke up. He sits down on the chair and you stand in front of him. His eyes looked up at you and the corners of his mouth went up. You stroke his hair and for a short moment he closed his eyes and enjoyed the moment.

"The black hair suits you well." It was the first sentence that has been spoken between you two for a long time. Jaehyun opened his eyes and he smiled.

"Thank you."

You release your hand from his hair to stop destroying it more, then you dedicate yourself to his make-up. Jaehyun took his AirPods out of his bag and handed you one.

"Do you like?" You hesitate for a moment. So many memories are attached to it. You had to keep your relationship secret from the public, but also from most of your company too. Nevertheless, you wanted to communicate as much as possible without attracting attention. So if you waited at the airport, took the bus or just stand somewhere random, he always shared his AirPods with you. In these months of your relationship, you shared a lot of music with each other. By every occasion he has shown you songs and you him too. While you are listening to music, you have always written messengers on your phone with each other even when you sit side by side. But it was your thing and nobody could take that from you.

You decide, after some hesitation, to take one part of the AirPod and put it in your right ear. Jaehyun smiled happy and started searching something from his playlist. The song he chose surprised you. It was one of the first songs you showed him. He played Body Language by Kali Uchis. It was an artist he didn’t know first and he started liking her music because of you. Accompanied by the music in your ear, you start your workflow and draw your best work on Jaehyun's face. You didn’t know exactly what you do differently, but you were so inspired that you did a very good job. Maybe it was his new black hair, maybe it was just the good feeling that he gave you.

When you were done, he looked in the mirror and was surprised from his reflection. You smile contentedly as he checks his makeup and beamed with happiness.

"Wow, sometimes I think you can do magic." You smile modestly at his compliment, but lower immediately his head. You couldn’t look at him anymore, because suddenly the longing for him increased so much that you can hardly stand it anymore.

"Maybe you should go. I think Kibum's already waiting." You became serious and look at the clock. You take a deep breath and try to stop looking at Jaehyun. He was completely frozen by your sudden change of mood. He could barely react and he just followed your instructions. When he went to the door, you suddenly turn to him.

"Wait, I have to tell you something." You stay on the other side of the room and play nervously with your fingers. Jaehyun stopped and turned curiously back to you.

"I got an offer from YG Entertainment to work as a make-up artist for them, they pay me exactly the same salary as here. They want my answer at 9am on Monday."

Jaehyun's eyes suddenly grew wide because he could hardly believe what he was hearing. He was frozen and you felt that you had to say something more.

"Jaehyun ... I can’t live like this anymore. Every time I see you, my heart breaks again." Tears were collecting in your lower eyelids, but you try to explain the situation as understandable as possible.

"I just can’t get over you. That's why I have to go." You breathe deeply, because finally were your words pronounced. It was quiet between you two for a while. Jaehyun still looked at you wide-eyed, he was completely frozen. And then he opened his mouth. You look at him expectantly and hope for words that would make you feel good. But before Jaehyun can only utter one sentence, Kibum came suddenly into the room.

"Jaehyun we have to go." He looked clearly stressed and he grabbed Jaehyun by the wrist to pull him out. One last look met you again and you watch him as he leaves the room.

Only you stayed behind and you didn’t know if the unspoken words of Jaehyun would eventually be pronounced.

66 hours till the decision

Your knees were suddenly weak and the only thing you could do is to sit down. The pain is spreading in your chest again and you are starting to breathe loudly. It was now real, there was no turning back. You told it Jaehyun and soon you will not see him anymore. The thought scared you and your body start to trembling. It felt like someone was lacing an invisible strung around your throat. Tears rolled down your cheeks, one after the other. How could only a simple heartache hurt you so much physically? It felt like you were dying.

You look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself again. When did you become like this? What did Jaehyun do to you? You just wanted to do your dream job and now all you wanted was him. And now there was no turning back, you had to let him go. You have already gone through many hurdles in your life, but that was definitely the hardest part for you. You take a tissue and dab off the running mascara. It didn’t matter anyway, you couldn’t change anything in this situation. In another universe, it could have worked between you and Jaehyun. But this was the real life and fate takes its course.

When your panic attack had calmed down, you could finally pack your things and go back to your hotel room. You had to pack your things, because as soon as the event was over, the flight get back to Seoul.

When the suitcases were packed, you still had plenty of time. But you didn’t want to be alone with your thoughts again. You clicked through the TV, but can’t find an interesting program. You look through the magazines that were in the room, but no article interested you. You try to distract yourself on the internet, but somehow nothing could spark your interest. When the FaceTime sign appeared on the right corner of your laptop and you see the name Renjun, you were incredibly happy. Immediately you click on accept.

"Hi my love, are you okay?" Many in the company criticized your relationship with Renjun, as most claim that you are mothering him too much and mean that isn’t good for him. But you had an incredible good connection to Renjun right from the start. He is for you like the little brother you always wanted. But also Renjun felt this connection and trusted you quickly.

„Everything is all right, we just have to train a lot for our comeback." In the background, you could tell he was in the training room. He had become thinner and that worried you.

"I'm really looking forward to the song, it will be great." You smile and try to encourage him at the same time.

"Yes, I can show you something next time, if we see each other." His eyes shone suddenly and you were glad that he had a phase of bliss.

"Will you come over at noon on Sunday? I can cook you something and we can eat and talk." He clearly had to eat something. You already knew that all the idols in their comeback phase were always very thin, but nevertheless you are worried.

"Sunday sounds good, I have two hours for lunch.“ You talk about a few everyday events for a while and then you're ending the conversation. When you hang up, you feel sick in the stomach. Besides Jaehyun, it will be hard for you to talk to Renjun. You just hope he takes it up well and you could keep in touch with him.

"Y/N, we have to go." Jiho rushed into the room suddenly and she looked visibly stressed.

"The boys are already picked up and we have to go to the airport." She packs her things together and you two make your way to the hotel lobby.

48 hours till the decision

"Jaehyun looked really good at the event, you clearly did your best." Jiho winked at you and showed you the photos on the tablet, but you didn’t really want to look at it. So your gaze wanders short over the screen, then you look out the window again.

"It's bothering him," Jiho said suddenly, turning to face you. You didn’t want to talk further about the topic, it would hurt you anyway.

"He smiles and plays his role, but he's not really there, almost like a ghost." She hands you the tablet, because now she had managed to arouse your curiosity. You swipe through the pictures and videos. Actually, you found everything normal. But you stopped by one video. A singer came to them and talked to the group. He looked at Jaehyun and he smiled, but as his gaze turned away then immediately dropped the corners of his mouth. His face was serious again, almost melancholy. Could it really be? Did he really care so much about you leaving the company? Johnny and Taeyong seem happy and excited next to him, but Jaehyun stood beside them and just did his job.

No. That couldn’t be real. He didn’t want you in his life anymore, it wouldn’t matter to him theoretically.

You shake your head and hand Jiho the tablet again.

"It just an imagination, it doesn’t mean anything. Maybe he is tired.“

Jiho picked up the tablet and shrugged his shoulders.

„If you say so.“

You lean against the window again and look into the distance. The sun has risen and the light shines gently into the cabin. Soon the plane would land and you were glad to be back in your apartment.

One hour before the landing, you had to refresh with the others the make-up of the idols. When you have to do Marks make-up, he was sleeping again. Carefully, you wake him up.

"I'm very fast, I promise." You smile and Mark opens his eyes. You turn his face a little more to yours, so that in the end the symmetry fits. Most of the time Mark was sleepy, but this time it was different. His doe eyes were suddenly bigger than usual and he stared at you.

"Is it true?" He asked. You're just tapping the color with your brush, but you're not looking at him yet.

"Hmm?" You really had no plan what he meant, because you were completely focused on your work.

"Jaehyun has said that you will leave us." When Mark uttered the words, you look up in surprise. So he talked to him about it, you didn’t expect that.

"Oh ... yes, probably…on Monday I should announce my decision to those." A strand of hair fell in front of your face and you wipe it quickly and nervously aside. Actually, you didn’t want to talk about it anymore. But Mark just couldn’t stop staring at you in horror. You knew he wouldn’t stop. You sigh and put the makeup aside.

"Mark, you probably can guess why I'm leaving, but please don’t tell anyone, especially not Renjun. I have to do that myself." You breathe deeply and you know that as soon as you officially announce your termination, you have a lot to explain.

"Renjun will be really down." Mark's eyes relaxed and he looked almost sad.

"I know ... I know, but just because I change company doesn’t mean that I will not be there for you anymore, you can always come to me, okay?“ Mark nodded, but you knew he wasn’t happy with your answer.

For over 3 years now you have been working here and the Dreamies have grown really dear to you at this time. When you started working at SM Entertainment, you only had contact with them at the beginning. You are building a good relationship during this time and it will be hard for you to leave them too.

"But you come this evening?" Mark looked at you again with his wide doe eyes. You sigh, but don’t say anything. In the evening there was a dinner to celebrate the contract with Capitol Records. All employees, and of course NCT 127, were invited. But actually you didn’t mean to go. Mark noticed your hesitation and suddenly grabbed you by the sleeve like a small child would do by his mother.

"Please come, don't just leave." He wouldn't let your sleeve go until you gave him an answer. You simply couldn’t resist his faithful look and you yield.

"Okay, okay, but I will not stay for long.“

36 hours till the decision

You have decided to wear a daring dress for the evening. It was black, tight and asymmetrical. It only had a thicker straps left, that ran to your low neckline, then the dress went tight over your hips, down to your knees. On the right side of the lower part of the dress, was also a cut that went from your knee up to the top of your thigh. The dress showed a lot, but still had class. Jiho gave it to you, because she said, it would be the perfect dress for you. And she was right. You feel self-confident and somehow sexy too. Nothing could go wrong that evening.

With a lift you drive to the top floor and when the door opens, you were really surprised. You've got to hand it to SM, they knew how to party and they didn’t save money at this. The whole walls were glazed. In the middle of the large room stood a large table with lovingly decorated details. Fairy lights hung all over the ceiling and led to the outside, where there was standing a bar and  some comfortable seats. In that moment you became a bit sentimental. All this you would leave behind, just for one man.

"Can I take your jacket?" One of the waiters waked you out of your dreams. You stammer something and hand him the jacket. However, your gaze wandered further through the penthouse. It all looked so incredible and you thought you were in a fairytale. Your fingers gripped the clutch and you dare to take a few steps further into the penthouse. There were already a few people here, but no one from the idols. You look through the faces and see Jiho. She was talking to Kibum right now and was visibly annoyed with him. She kept rolling her eyes and clapping her hand against her forehead. When she also discovered you, she breathed with relief and almost ran over to you.

"Finally you're here! And hello?! Why didn't I see the dress until now?" She looked at you and you reach over your hips uncertainly. Sometimes you felt like you had to pull in your stomach when people looked at your body.

"I thought for today it fits in well." You take a deep breath and look further into the room. You were still too tense because you really didn’t want to see Jaehyun. But another part inside you wanted him to see you in this dress. Sometimes you had to shake your head over your own train of thought. It was so confused and Jaehyun made you completely crazy. At this moment you will realize again, why you want to leave the company.

"Oh thats perfect! Drink it!" A waiter came over with a tablet of champagne and Jiho immediately took two glasses down to hand you one. You hadn’t eaten much that day since you had only slept since the flight, but you decide to drink anyway. When you take the first sip, you realize how the heat spread in you and gave you a good feeling. So you decide to drink the rest quickly, to bring your nerves down a bit.

As the last drop of the champagne dripped down your throat, you hear a murmur behind you. You knew exactly who was coming. But right now Miga, also a co-worker and organizer of the event, came to you and handed you two a box.

"Pull a number and you know where you sit!" She grins and opens the box. Jiho looked visibly annoyed by the idea.

"Do we have to do that? I'd rather sit next to Y/N."

"Come on, that's funny! Usually we always seat by the same people." Miga grinned and she was clearly motivated. But Jiho was still not thrilled. She sighed deeply and pulled out a small piece of paper.

"17. Don’t you dare, that I'm sitting next to that jerk of Kibum"

"Now you!" Miga almost pushed the box against your body. You look down and also draw a number.

"And what is your number?" Jiho tried to look over at you while you open the small paper.

"6", you say and close the note again. Somehow you didn’t feel very well at the game, but if Miga had imagined something, then everyone had to follow.

"Very good, you could already go to your seats. I just have to distribute the last numbers." Miga pulled the box back to herself and went to the other co-workers. Jiho drank fast her champagne and put the empty glass aside.

"I feel like I need more of these drinks!" You both weren’t happy about the idea, but you decide to take your seats, even if they were far apart.

The space right next to you has already been taken. It was one of the hairdressers talking to one of the choreographers and maybe flirting with him a bit. Mark and Haechan, who were discussing about some random stuff which you couldn’t follow, sat opposite you. They waved briefly to greet you and then they argued further. For a short time it was very awkward situation for you. You couldn’t talk to anyone. So you fold your hands, lean your chin on it and look over to Jiho. At that moment Kibum is sitting right next to her and you had to smile a little bit about this situation. The two will certainly not go home alone today. It was always like that. They couldn’t be without each other, but their pride was too great to ever admit their feelings.

And then you suddenly feel a hand on your back and when you turn around, you almost get frightened by his likeness.

"I think I'm sitting next to you. I'm number 5." He shows you his note and sits down on the empty space. Panic breaks out inside you. How could only of all the people he exactly take the place next to you? You watch him sit next to you. His hair was made, but he wore no make-up. He didn’t need it because his skin was incredibly perfect. Every time you were in the mask with him, you couldn’t believe how fine pores could be. He straightened his jacket, that he wore open. Underneath, he wore a dark, but patterned shirt. The first two buttons of his shirt were open. And as always, he wore the silver chain with a small pendant on it. You had to be careful that you wouldn't stare too much. After all, you didn’t want to appear sad or desperate. But you didn’t have the words to speak up and you couldn’t do anything but look at your empty plate.

"Did you had a good nap?" He looked at you and you weren’t sure if he wanted to start simple small talk or if he was worried.

"Yes, I was able to recover well and you?" You knew that Jaehyun was a light sleeper and always woke up because of small things, so it was usually difficult for him to recover sufficiently.

"More or less." His answer was surprisingly very short and almost a little negative. The situation was already so unpleasant for you anyway, so you just decide not to say anything else. At that moment - thank god - the waiter came and took your order. To make the situation more bearable, you order a gin tonic and hoped that the alcohol would numb your pain a little. Incidentally, even more champagne was served.

"You look incredibly good today."Jaehyun suddenly came a little closer and his voice was so quiet that only you could hear him.

"Thank you." You take a deep sip of the champagne and try to keep your composure. The next moment all calls were interrupted. There were a few speeches, thanked all sorts of people and the food was served. Jaehyun's touch and looks have been a constant companion and it drives you crazy. Every time his hand touched your shoulder, back or thigh, it hit you like a lightning strike. Your body felt completely charged and you didn’t know how to go through it any longer.

By now everyone was deep in conversation and Jaehyun was drinking his third glass of whiskey.

"This place somehow reminds me of our first kiss." You look at him with wide eyes. What did he want to achieve with it? Why does he now indulge in past memories that are no longer relevant?

"A little bit..." He was clearly right. Your first kiss with him was in a penthouse. You remembered that day well.

You have just been in Thailand to do some promotions. That day, you heard that your dad married your former best friend. You already knew that they had been having an affair for some time. But they didn’t tell you and - and that is even worse - didn’t invite you to the wedding. Your relationship with your father has never been good, but that was the peak of all emotions. You could hardly spend a second without crying that day.

For the evening, the company had rented a penthouse with an associated pool. You were responsible for the make-up for Taeyong, because a dance video was shot. You could barely hide a sob that evening. Taeyong was very overstrained with your emotions. Again and again he looked around in panic and asked "Is everything okay?". You always just nod and try to behave yourself. But it wasn’t easy to control you emotions on this day. You were feeling so bad emotionally that you were barely able to work. Yun, the second manager, took you aside and offered you, after the shoot was over, to spend some more time up here alone, so you could rest a little bit. You were so grateful to him at that moment, because it was exactly what you needed. When everyone was gone, you took off your shoes and sat on the first stairs of the pool. You pull up your dress and put your legs in the lukewarm water. You close your eyes for a moment to find yourself and lean back. When you open your eyes again you see the city skyline. It was all so powerful and magnificent that it took your breath away for a moment. You were so focused on the gigantic houses and lights that you didn’t even realize anyone was coming to the penthouse. You look to the ground, to the left of you, and you recognize two feet that are just take off their shoes. And then they also wandered into the water and the man's body sat down next to you. It was Jaehyun, the man who has kept your pulse going up lately.

"Taeyong told me that you are here." His voice was very gentle and he looked at you with a warm look. You nod and look into the distance again. As beautiful as it was here, your sadness didn’t disappear.

"What happened today?" He asked, putting an arm around you. Skinshipping felt good with him. It's been happening lately, that touches are piling up and the tension between you is getting more and more intense.

"My dad - it’s complicated, but he got married…to my best friend…and I didn’t know about it." You lean your head on his shoulder and for the first time that day you didn’t feel like crying.

"Wow that's tough." You notice even the surprise in his voice. His hand rubbed over your upper arm and he pushed you a little closer to you.

"I don't know why it annoys me so much, because I haven’t had contact with my father for more than a year, but he's the last of my family since my mother died." You sigh briefly, but for the first time you feel halfway well again that day. Jaehyun always managed to make you feel good.

"It's really hard, but hey, we're just your family now: the team, Johnny, Doyoung, Mark, Renjun, and so on. And of course, me." You look up at him and he smiled widely.

"You're now a part of the family, and Renjun is almost a son to you anyway." He laughed slightly and for the first time you had to giggle again. For the first time that evening, you felt normal again and it made Jaehyun happy that he could give you such a safe feeling. He leaned his forehead against yours and looked into your eyes. You had to smile as his wonderful dimples formed. It was quiet between you two for a while and then he rolled off his forehead and the tips of your noses touched. His breath mingled with yours and your pulse suddenly rose again as his lips touched yours.

You didn’t know if the memory of your first kiss made you sad, or just melancholic. But you knew that you no longer felt well next to Jaehyun. You had to get away from him to just breathe. You couldn’t once again be reminded of your past relationship anymore.

"I have to get up for a moment." Jaehyun looks at you in astonishment as you rise from your chair and walk to the stairs leading to the lower floor. Alcohol doesn’t make it easy for you to go straight. But you try to push forward slowly, step by step, to catch your breath in the lower floor where there was no one. You lean against the couch and close your eyes for a moment. It hurt so much to have Jaehyun so close to you again. Why did he have to tease you like that all the time? It was already hard enough to leave the company anyway. But you didn’t want to be dependent on Jaehyun, you didn’t want to be dependent on a man.

"Y/N." You suddenly hear his voice and hope that it is just an imagination. But when you open your eyes, Jaehyun stood in front of you.

"Are you alright?" He asked and taking a step towards you. You tap a few fingers against your forehead and sigh desperately.

„Yes…yes it’s alright. I think I should go home." Your plan wasn’t to stay long anyway and besides, the next day, Renjun come wanted to see you. Even if it wasn’t late, you should go home. But suddenly you feel a hard grip around your wrist. You remove your other hand from your forehead and look at Jaehyun. He looks at you wide-eyed, almost desperately.

"Please don’t go yet." He still didn’t let go of your wrist and went closer to you instead.

"Jaehyun ... I have to ..." Before you could say more, you feel Jaehyun's lips pressed against yours. His hands clasped your hips tight and in that moment you became weak. You fall for him and it filled you with all that you have lost the last few months. His lips parted from yours and he kissed your neck instead. His hands moved up over your waist.

"You look so amazing today," he murmured in your neck as he tries to keep kissing you. As he buried his face in your breasts, you moan softly. His touches felt so good. It was like medicine, which was the remedy for your incredible pain. Everything suddenly felt different. Everything was suddenly easy.

He pushed your dress up a bit so he could spread your legs a bit. As he positioned himself in front of you, you feel his bulge pressing against your thigh. Oh God! That was exactly what you wanted for so long.

His hands are now under your dress and he stroked the fine fabric of your panties. He knew you well. Too good. Because the first touch was already a direct hit. You moan quietly and it was followed by a grunt of his side. He started to rub over the fabric and you barely withstand the tension. You clasp with your hands his shoulders and buried your face in his chest.

"Fuck, I missed you…I missed this.“ He whispered in your ear and you could barely realize what he was saying.

"Jaehyun, I need you! I have to feel you." You look up at him and reach his chest. It was exactly what he wanted to hear. He grabbed his belt buckle and when he wanted to open it, you two suddenly hears a laughter that came closer and closer.

"Shit," cursed Jaehyun and straightening his belt. You jumped up also immediately and pull your dress right again. A few people came down the stairs and talked. You decide to pretend that nothing has happened and return to the others.

In the meantime the awkward sitting situation had broken loose and you are looking for Jiho.

"She's gone with Kibum, I'll never understand the two," Johnny replied as you asked him about your friend.

"Neither do I." You laugh and see how suddenly Mark came to you with shots. He handed each of you a glass and you still trying to refuse it. But Mark doesn’t let that happen and together with Johnny, Jaehyun, Haechan and Doyoung you drink a few more. You had to admit that the evening was funnier than you thought and you were going to be a bit sentimental. Was it really the right decision to leave the company? But you didn’t try to think about it that often and just enjoy the evening. After the last shot you could hardly hold yourself. None of you was sober anymore and it was time for you to go home.

You try to call a taxi with your phone, but you were too drunk to even unlock your screen.

"I think it's not a good idea for you to go home." Jaehyun pulled you closer. There were only you six in the penthouse and everyone knew about your relationship. So no one of you had to think twice about your touches.

„No, I can do it, I can’t sleep here. " You're trying to enter your code again, but your phone just didn’t want to unlock.

"Jaehyun was more likely to suggest that you come to us, since Kibum isn’t there today anyway," Johnny said and pressing the button to call the lift. You don’t say anything anymore and just followed the guys. A taxi took you to the dorm and you were glad to be able to lie in bed soon. You were so shaky on your legs that you didn’t even manage to take off your shoes. Jaehyun knelt in front of you, gently took your leg and pulled your high heels off your feet. When he straightened up, he grabbed your body and carried you into the bedroom. Even though Jaehyun himself was drunk, he never forgot his manners.

Haechan was already in his pajamas and mumbled something about "not being too loud". From that moment everything blurred more and more. The alcohol took from now on the supremacy of your thinking and acting. There are only fragments that remind you of this night. You knew Jaehyun helped you out of the dress. You still knew that you felt his lips and you remembered his fragrance. He put then his shirt on you and the last thing you remember before you fell asleep was his words.

"That I left you wasn’t my decision. I don’t want you to leave." Your brain catches hardly his words anymore. You only feel his warm hand on your body and the last thing you said was "Please don’t let me go.“

22 hours till the decision

You wake up with an unbelievable headaches and you need a little bit of time to realize where you were. You recognize the room immediately and you first see the empty bed from Haechan. He was already awake and leaved the room. And suddenly you start to feel your body again. An arm lay over you and as you look down at you, you could see that you were wearing a men's shirt. You turned to the other side of the bed and see Jaehyun lying next to you. He reacted to your movement, but his eyes were still closed. You inspect him for a few minutes. He only had his Calvins on and because of the alcohol was his body completely dehydrated, so his abs stood out - more than normal. You were a person who had never actually looked at good looks. But you were clearly attracted to Jaehyun's body. It caused an incredible tension and tingling in you.

With a jerk, you try to sit up and realize that everything was spinning around you. Your head is pounding and you are longing after a simple shower. Besides, you weren’t comfortable with Jaehyun lying next to you. You had no clue what happened when you got into the dorm. Did you sleep together? Was there more between you two? You check your body for any clues, but at that moment Jaehyun opened his eyes.

"Morning." He smiled and looked up at you in a relatively good mood. At that moment you became doubtful. If you had slept with him, that would be more bad than appropriate.

"Morning." You stammer and looking for your dress.

"I'll go soon. Renjun is coming to me and I have to ..." Suddenly you feel a hand on your thigh and you slowly turn back to Jaehyun.

"But you have still time for a coffee, right?" He looked at you wide-eyed and you just couldn’t resist him. God, how can someone still look so good after drinking so much?

You nod and he immediately jumped up to go to the kitchen. In the meantime, you stayed in the bed and looked in the mirror, which was placed on opposite of Jaehyun's bed. Your makeup was still on your face, maybe a little faded, but it still looked half-decent. You run your fingers through your hair to brush it a little bit. From the kitchen you hear the grinding of the coffee machine and slowly the fragrance fly also into the room. It doesn’t take long before Jaehyun came in with a tablet with two cups and two glasses of water. He carefully set it down and handed you a small tablet.

"That's against the hangover.“ With his other hand he took a glass of water and handed it to also you. You take the tablet and swallow it down quickly. Jaehyun had just taken a sip of his coffee when you look at him questioningly.

„Jaehyun? Do we have ...?" You weren’t been able to say more words. You keep trying to remember the last night, but there were always gaps in your memory. A small smile appeared on his face, but he shook his head.

„Don’t we have the no-sex-in-the-dorm-rule?“ It wasn’t like you two didn’t want to have sex with each other when you were in a relationship. You did it for security reasons. After all, two of the managers also lived in the dorm. Your relationship should be as secretive as possible, only a few people knew about you two. On the other hand, you didn’t do it out of respect for the roommates. After all, Haechan was still a minor when you two came together.

But very early, a peculiar charm developed around this no-sex-in-the-dorm-rule. Sometimes, when the circumstances were good, you came in the dorm to hang out with Jaehyun. You could still remember a certain moment. Your relationship was very new and you two haven’t slept together, because you waited for a quiet moment. Nobody should be able to disturb you and  it turned out, that finding such a moment wasn’t easy. At this timer was always an overwrought sexual tension between you two. Each touch made the tension even more intense and in the end you could hardly have a normal conversation. Everything about the other body was attractive and sexual. Make-outs were almost torture and sometimes you were just about to fuck in the shower quickly.

You could still remember this moment exactly. Haechan wasn’t in the dorm and Jaehyun was sitting in his bed with you. He leaned against the wall and clutched his big pillow. You sat on the other side, because you were avoiding any touch that could tempt you two.

"What are we going to do now?" Jaehyun asked while he was looking at the ceiling. You think for a moment and dig your fingers in your knee.

"Hmm...we could play a game." It wasn’t easy to find something where you would always be tempted to just start to fuck.

"A game? What's in your head?" Jaehyun turned his gaze back to you and pushed the pillow a little closer to himself.

"21 questions. We ask each other personal questions and we have to answer them honestly." You thought that this idea were funny. So you would get to know parts of Jaehyun that you didn’t know yet.

"And the questions can be about everything?" When he asked cautiously, you could already see how he was thinking about the next questions.

"Yes, everything! I'll start. So my first question is, what do you like to spend money on? "Jaehyun nodded intelligibly and thought for a moment.

"Hmm .... maybe food and coffee?“ You had to smile. The answer was simple but honest. That's what you liked about him. Then Jaehyun straightened up a bit and briefly considered his next question.

"Were you rather calm or wild in your puberty?" One had to let him, he knew how to ask interesting questions.

"I came to Korea with my dad when I was 15. So I was in a country where I couldn’t speak the language and he had a girlfriend back then, who was only 6 years older than I. Of course I started to rebelling, because it wasn’t easy this time." It was the first time you had talked to him about your father. You thought it would feel weird, but with Jaehyun you had a good feeling, so for the first time in your life, you didn’t mind talking about him.

It was your turn again and you didn’t really know a good question. At that moment, you ask yourself why you just suggested this game. You were in these things quite uncreative. But it didn’t help, you had to ask him something.

"How was your first time?" Jaehyun's eyes suddenly twitched and he looked over at you in surprise.

"It was just weird. I had no idea what I was doing and I didn’t want to hurt her." You had to smile at the answer, it was kind of cute.

„Hmm okay…my turn. Do you remember what your first orgasm felt like?" When Jaehyun asked this question, you soon realize in what direction your game was going. You had to swallow, because your body suddenly became restless. You pull your legs a little together to calm the pressure in your middle.

„I thought I knew what an orgasm was, but when I got my first, I knew how wrong I was. At first I didn’t know what was happening to me, my whole body was vibrating and tears came to my eyes." Jaehyun nervously ruffled his hair after you answered. The whole questions didn’t make your situation any easier.

"Ok my next question is: How long does it take you to get yourself off, on average?" You bite your lower lip and imagine Jaehyun sitting alone in the room and maybe thinking of you as he jerks himself off. You feel like you got very wet and you presses instinctively even more your legs together.

"Often I don’t have that much time because we're rarely alone. I'd say 5-10 minutes.“ You thought he would spend more time, but you understand that it wasn’t easy to take the time for yourself when so many guys live in one apartment. You could hardly imagine that, because for you was masturbation something you took an amount of time. But you also live alone in a small one-room apartment, so it was easy for you.

"Are you good at giving head?" Jaehyun presses his lips together and you can imagine what kind of scenario was going on in his mind. The conversation was so stimulating that you by only a movement and the friction with your pant, a wave of lust overcame you.

"I don’t think I can answer that question, but so far I have only received compliments." You wink, while Jaehyun buried himself more and more in his pillow. He clearly seemed to hide something. But for now it was your turn again.

"Are you hard?" You couldn’t handle all this anymore. You would prefer to fuck Jaehyun right now. Your panties were already soaked with your juice and you couldn’t continue this game for one second. Jaehyun gave up and leaned against the wall with the back of his head. He put the pillow over his lap aside and you could see how under his sweatpants a large bump had formed. He tries to keep his hands as far away as possible. But you were fascinated because you hadn’t seen his dick yet. You crawl over to him and sat right in front of him. He looks at you expectantly as you lean closer to his body.

"If I help you get rid of your bump, it's not sex, and it does not affect the no-sex-in-the-dorm-rule, or?“ You reach for his waistband and push your fingers a little under his shorts. Jaehyun couldn’t say more than a "oh my god" and he looked up to the ceiling for a moment. You take this as approval and pulled his sweatpants down so far, so that his erection jumped out.

And there he was in front of you. Not too big, not too small, thick and beautiful pink. His dick was extremely hard and the veins that stood out were bulging with all the blood inside. With your hands, you reach for the lower part of his best piece, while your lips were wrapped around his tip. You could suddenly hear a moan from Jaehyun and you feel his dick twitching. You knew that he didn’t need long to climax, since he was already so hypersensitive. You slowly introduce him deeper into your mouth so that his tip presses against your throat. You pull it out immediately and start your movement again. But this time your hand moved too and Jaehyun almost drove this crazy. He put his hand on your head and followed your movement.

"God, your mouth feels so good." You hear him breathe loudly and you notice how his pelvis lifted up and down. So you get faster with your movement. The pressure of your hand around his dick became tighter and you press your lips even more together.

"Shit. I'm com…a-ah..oh my god." You hear Jaehyun moaning, followed by a taste of a warm but slightly bitter substance. You decide to show him his orgasm. You stick out your tongue, which was covered with his white cum.

"Good girl." He took your chin and looked at his work until you swallow it. You still see that Jaehyun's breathing is heavy, as his chest moved visibly up and down. You wish you had more time to feel his dick inside you. But that wasn’t possible yet.

Jaehyun pulled his sweatpants back up and kissed you.

"You can clearly say that you can give a great head.“

"What are you thinking about?" Jaehyun put the empty cup back on the tablet. You feel a bit caught and you didn’t want to give him an honest answer.

"Oh, nothing. I think it was really funny yesterday.“ That was a lie of course, because you were thinking about sucking his dick. But you should go anyway, because every second hurt you to be here. You pick up your dress, that was over Jaehyun's desk chair and turn back to him shortly. You just wanted to change your clothes, when you realize that you were completely naked under the shirt.

"It doesn’t bother you or? I mean, you've already seen me naked." He shakes his head, but you still turn your back to him as you take off his shirt. But you could feel still his gaze on your body. You try to ignore it and put on your dress.

"Jaehyun?" You take your clutch and turn back to him again. He looks up to you and waits for more words from you.

"What did you mean when you said it wasn’t your decision to leave me?" It was one of the few pieces that you remembered from yesterday. But you were too tired and drunk to react in this moment. Jaehyun face got a little pale and he shook his head.

„Oh I don’t know. I was pretty drunk yesterday. I have no idea what I have said." He smiled and shrugged with his shoulders. The answer wasn’t persuasive for you, but it wasn’t important anymore, as you would be leaving soon anyway.

„Goodbye Jaehyun." You turn around and leave the room. Tears started to come up again and you try to leave the dorm as fast as possible.

18 hours till the decision

Your hangover was too strong, so you couldn’t cook. That's why you quickly brought something for you and Renjun from your favorite Italian restaurant.

Renjun just got off the training and devoured his lasagna within seconds. He talked about the new comeback and how hard everybody had to work. You listen to him and could barely touch your food anymore. Your heart started pounding while you put your lips on your hand. With your arm, you support your face and you hoped that you don’t start to shiver. Was it selfish to leave the company? Just the thought, leaving Renjun behind, broke your heart. He had become your family and now you would leave them.

"Everything okay?" Renjun became aware that you are no longer listening to him. You lean forward a bit and slowly lower your arms to the table. You breathe deeply and fight with your tears.

"I got an offer from YG-Entertainment, they want me to work for them." It was hard for you to pronounce this words, but Renjun didn’t really respond.

"You're always getting offers, you're good at your job." He smiled and took a big sip of his coffee. You have to take a deep breath. Oh god, how could you explain it to him?

"They give me the same salary too and I'll probably give them my final confirmation tomorrow." You clasp your mug and look carefully at Renjun. He suddenly turned white in the face and looks at you in horror. You could see all his disappointment from his face.

"What?" His voice was shaky. He keeps staring at you, waiting for an explanation.

"I can’t see Jaehyun anymore, it's like a pain that I can’t handle. If I don’t go, I'll execute myself." A tear rolls down and you wipe it away quickly. You didn’t want to look fragile, you wanted to be strong for him.

"And then you leave us all behind? What about Jisung, Chenle, Jeno, Jaemin, Haechan, Mark, Ten, Johnny, Doyoung?" He listed all those who became important to you in this time.

„You're leaving because of one person and you have so many who are there for you!" Renjun was angry and you couldn’t blame him. But you couldn’t explain this all to him, you couldn’t describe what you feel, what makes you so broken.

"Once you have loved liked this, then you will understand." You gently stroke his cheek and you could hear his angry snort. But Renjun didn’t want to hear that. He slammed his fist on the table and buried his face in his arm. You hear a sob and now you couldn’t hold yourself back, so you started to cry too.

"Hey Renjun." You go over to him and take him in your arms.

"But I'll always be there for you, okay?" You push him closer to your chest. It broke your heart to see him like this.

"You can come whenever you want, you can call me anytime, I'll be there for you." You stroke his hair and try to hold back your crying a little. Renjun didn’t dare to look at you, his sobs didn’t stop and you couldn’t do anything but just be there for him. You sat there for a while and you both cry and cry. But it was a relief for you to finally allow to show emotions. It would feel so liberating if Renjun didn’t break your heart.

Suddenly someone rings at your door and you wonder who it could be. Actually you don’t expect a visit anymore. You wipe the tears from your face away and Renjun straightened up too. Just before the door opens, you try to collect yourself a bit and take a deep breath.

When the door was open, you almost froze.

"May I come in?" Jaehyun stood in front of you. You could hardly believe it and so you took a step aside.

"Um...I have to take Renjun back to the company." You go back to the table where he sat. But he immediately jumped up and grabbed his backpack.

"No, it's okay, I'll take a taxi." He tries to smile, but you could see that it wasn’t easy for him. Jaehyun was already in your apartment and was staring around. What was wrong, you asked yourself and tried to get an overview.

„Renjun! No, I really want to drive you." You didn’t want to leave him alone again. You couldn’t handle that too. It's okay if everyone turns away from you, but Renjun should always be able to come to you.

"It's okay. Really.“ His smile was honest and convincing. He hugged you and whispered in your ear „Don't forget us".

"No way!" You pressed him as close as you can to you, before you let him go. Renjun threw the backpack over one shoulder, picked up his iPhone, and as he passed by Jaehyun, he told him something that you couldn’t understand. When the door closed, it hit you like a lightning. You turn away from Jaehyun because you couldn’t look at him anymore. Because of him you had to go through this.

„Why are you here?“ You didn’t look at him, you just couldn’t. Otherwise you would be weak again.

"If you leave, how long will you stay in the company?" He indicated that you still had a notice period. But you had already considered that.

"I'll let the two companies clear this up, but YG needs me now. I’m going to spend the rest of my vacation so I can leave SM right now." You had accumulated an incredible amount of extra hours at SM as well, so that you can go easily.

"That means you're probably going tomorrow?" His voice sounded so weak and quiet that you turned to face him. He stood closer to you and looked at you with his sad eyes. You just nod and try to dodge his glance a little.

"I wish you wouldn’t go." He took another step towards you and you dare to look at him again.

"Jaehyun, what should I do? I love you, and I can’t stop this feelings for you. It just destroys me to be so close to you." Tears came up again, because you were so mad at him. How could he just allow himself to say something like that? He was the one who had left you. He was the one who put his career over his relationship. You hadn’t condemned his decision anytime because you could always understand him somehow. But he couldn’t ask you to stay.

„Y/N…I..." He stopped talking, but instead he grabbed your hips and kissed you. His grip was firm, as if he would never let you go again. He pressed himself closer to your body and his right hand went under your hair. He showed you that he wanted to feel you fully. At that moment, you couldn’t be strong anymore. You just let yourself go. He started to remove your dress so that you only stood in front of him in your underwear. Your hands went under his shirt so you could feel his stomach. You feel his breathing, how everything moved up and down. Jaehyun broke away from your kiss and removed his shirt to make it easier for you. Then immediately his lips looked for yours again. But his hand was also on the way and he began to feel your whole body. He slipped his hand under your bra and started massaging your breasts. He moaned softly between your lips and you start to open his belt. When he took off his pants himself, he stopped again briefly and was completely out of breath.

"Maybe we should go where it is more comfortable?" He smiled and stroked your cheek. You just nod, because you were so devoted to him that you forgot the language. Suddenly he bent down and grabbed you by your thigh and he put you over his shoulders.

„Jaehyun! What are you doing?“ You had to laugh as your upper body dangled over his back.

"I carry you upstairs.“ He goes up the stairs, which led to a simple platform where you had a large mattress.

When he was up, he gently laid you on the sheets and kissed you softly.

"Do you know how beautiful you are?" He kissed your neck as he pulled down the straps of your bra.

"And how incredibly sexy you are?" His hand strokes firmly over your panties. You moan softly and whimper for more. You wanted more of him, to feel him forever. You stroke his middle and feel that a bump has formed. It was like earlier, you could feel him again, smell it and taste it. All your senses were occupied with Jaehyun. You turn on your stomach so he could better open your bra. When it was removed, you lay there, because Jaehyun clutched your ass, so you lifted your butt up and he buried his face in it. He pulled down your panties and as you look back, you can see how he also removed himself from his Calvins. You see his dick in the corner of your eye and that his member stood already swollen away from him. You can also see him starting to touch himself. You already wanted to turn yourself so that you could help him. But suddenly you feel his mouth between your legs. A groan escaped you surprisingly and you feel how his tongue pampers you. He grabbed with both hands your ass and he licked you, as if he was starving. Jaehyun was incredibly talented with his tongue. He was the first guy, who licked you with such devotion. He never did half things, he was always good at it.

You lean against the mattress with your upper body, your breasts pressed firmly against the white sheet, while your ass is pointing up. He stopped licking you and you wonder what would happen now. You place your arms behind your back and Jaehyun grabbed your wrists so you could barely move. With his fingers, he stroked gently over your folds to moisten them a little. Suddenly stopped his middle finger in front of your entrance and he gently pushed him inside you. You moan quietly and closed your eyes for a moment to enjoy this. His other fingers started to claw in your skin and you feel that the pressure of his body is more on you. You knew what that meant.

"I'm going to fuck you so hard today that you'll never forget me.“ Jaehyun suddenly became faster in his movement. His middle finger pushed as fast and hard as it went, in and out. You suddenly feel the good feeling and your body bends. But Jaehyun had you so tight in his grasp that you can barely break free. You start moaning in the sheet. You couldn’t be quiet anymore, that was all too intense. No second was quiet anymore. You just couldn’t stop moaning. Your body started shaking and your feet contracted.

And suddenly Jaehyun stopped. But his right hand was still tight around your wrists, so you couldn’t see what happened. You feel his knees at your feet and you feel how he stroke with the tip of his dick between your folds. He stopped again for a few seconds. But then you feel how he slowly penetrated you with the tip.

"I've been waiting so long to feel you again." A grunt escaped him as he slowly pushed his entire length inside you. You feel how your wet walls getting stretched and it took your breath away for a second when he was completely inside you. Two or three times he slowly pushed his dick in and out, but then he put his other hand on your left buttock and leaned with his weight even more on you. His movement became faster in a short time and now he begins to moan softly. His hip bones slapped against your ass, making a clapping sound. He was getting faster and faster, you are screaming louder and louder. Until he leans back and let your wrist be free. His thrusts got slower until he stopped completely. You try to follow his movement with your ass. You wanted more, you were greedy for his dick. But Jaehyun stops you. He leans over to you and kissed the back of your head.

"I want to see your breasts bounce when I fuck you. I want to see your face when you come." A shiver ran down your spine as he whispered this in your ear. Jaehyun turns you on your back, leaning over you and kissing your neck.

"And I want to hear you scream." He grunts as he distributes more kisses to your body. You raise yourself a bit to see Jaehyun better. With your hands you support yourself behind your back. You spread your legs and Jaehyun positions himself immediately in front of you. You were so well-tuned together that everything felt incredibly natural.

"You are so beautiful," he says, looking at your whole body.

"I wish I could take you like that every day." And with these words he penetrated into you again. He leaned back slightly to get better control of his loins. While he fucks you like this, his hands wandered over your breasts, squeezing them a bit. Then his hands moved over your lips. He played with your mouth with his thumb. You start to play with it, suck it a little, which Jaehyun started to groan and closed his eyes in pleasure for a moment. When he opened it again, he became faster and penetrated deeper and deeper into you. Your breath became louder and mated with your moans. Jaehyun put his hand under your ass to fuck you even harder. He was thus better in control of your body and could bring your body even closer to his.

Your breasts bounced to the faster movement and you feel how the wave of your orgasm slowly came. You're starting to get louder, your moaning transforms to a scream. Tears ran down your cheeks and Jaehyun didn’t stop. He fucked you over and over until your body couldn’t handle it anymore. Your body twitched and vibrated because of your hypersensitivity. But Jaehyun still went faster and suddenly you hear a loud moaning on his part and you feel how it got warm under you. His body collapsed on yours and you feel his warm breath. You slowly stroke his hair and played with his silver chain around his neck, which he somehow never took off.

You two were enjoying the moment and your bodies.

It wasn’t more.

It was simple.

It was perfect.

9 hours till the decision

You came so often that afternoon and evening that you couldn’t count it anymore. It was like he was putting all his energy into you. But late at night Jaehyun also reached his limits. After you ordered pizza and he brought you to come again, you are lying naked in bed.

„Can you sing for me?“ He asked while closing his eyes. He seemed so incredibly relaxed that you hadn’t seen him like this for a long time.

„Every night you come back to me, every night I forgive. Thats what it means, that what it means to be where home is. Everyone leaves eventually, but they never forget. Thats what it means, that what it means to be where home is.“ You begin to sing the first lines. You weren’t a great singer, but you sang this song to Jaehyun often, if he couldn’t relax in the evening. It was his lullaby that only you could sing for him. The song was originally produced by the J-Rock artist MIYAVI, who worked for this song with his wife together. She sings the song and it has so much emotion and love in it.

„Thats what it means, that what it means to be where home is.“ You stroke his hair and felt his relaxed breathing. It was so unbendingly to look at him, because he was so calm. And at that moment it felt like you two were alone in this world and only your love would exist.

„Tell me what is like out there. Tell me how they love you, like I love you. Tell me how you fought out there. Tell me how they love you, like I love you.“ This song brought so many memories back. You see the memorabilia pass by in pictures and you try to keep every part as good as possible in your mind. You wish that you could once again turn back time and enjoy the moment when you could still be a couple. You suddenly remember so much. Like when he brought you a card of one of his favorite pictures in the Guggenheim Museum, or when he used every moment to touch you, even if it was just a fingertip touch.

„When the sun comes up and the silence comes. Tell me, that you know I’m here. Tell me that you love me, like I love you.“ As you stopped singing, you suddenly feel that strong pain again. He will never return, you will never come back. It was the last night you spend together and then your love will only exist in past memories.

You lie down next to him and try to close your eyes too. But suddenly Jaehyun turns to look at you calmly.

„Y/N, I love you." He kissed you and then put his forehead on yours. You couldn’t say a word, you would love to start crying again, but you've already cried so much that day, so you just look at him. He closed his eyes with a smile and in that moment you feel a wave of happiness. You sleep in his arms and for a long time you have felt peace in your heart again.

1 hour till the decision

All night you were only accompanied by a light sleep. Again and again you woke up and looked over to Jaehyun, who sleeps calmly. At some point you couldn't lie in your bed anymore and you stood up. You put the blanket aside and walked down the stairs. You urgently needed a shower, after all, there was still all the sweat and cum from the past day on you. You couldn’t sign the contracts with YG in this condition.

In the bathroom, you turn on some Lofi music and try to relax with a warm shower. You close your eyes and pictures of last night came in your mind. You still feel Jaehyun on you, partly because you were still sore down. It was so perfect yesterday, as if everything was going to be normal. But today is day X and you will leave now.

After getting fresh, putting on some clothes and applying make-up, you start making coffee for you and Jaehyun. It didn’t took long before the whole apartment smelled after coffee and Jaehyun started to get up. As he walked down the stairs, he was pulling up his Calvins and his smile was sweet as sugar. He stood behind you and hugged you.

"Good Morning." He buried his face in your neck. You lean your head to the side and enjoy his lips on your skin. If it had been a normal day, then you would have loved that it ended in morning sex. But you had to leave soon, and he had to go too.

"I made coffee, do you like it?" You lift the coffee pot from the stove and start to fill the liquid in a cup.

"You're the only person I know who doesn’t have a regular coffee machine and uses an espresso maker." He laughed and broke away from you. He leaned against the kitchen counter and watched as you continued to prepare the coffee.

"Coffee machines don’t make good coffee, and the espresso maker creates the perfect heat and pressure for the best coffee." You fill a little milk inside and give him his cup. He laughed again and took a sip of the coffee.

"You are unique. Do you know that?" His eyes suddenly stared at you and at first you didn’t know how to react.

"Don't say such things." You put down your mug and stroking your hair. He didn’t make it easy for you to leave the whole time. But now he act like your boyfriend and that offend you a little bit. He felt immediately your displeasure and also set aside his cup. His eyes became serious and he gently touched your hips. Then he drew you a little closer to himself and looked deep into your eyes.

"Y/N, I love you. Really…“ You didn’t know how to react. His hands on you felt incredibly good again and you wanted him to never leave you again. You would like to jump into his arms and scream. But there was no room for your love in this life.

"We should go." Your voice was low and shaky. You fight with your tears, but it didn’t help. With a desperate sigh let Jaehyun you go and got dressed. You pack your things and took your car key.

"Shall I drive you to the company?" You didn’t want to let him go, you wanted to spend every last second with him. You knew it was not good for you, but you had a war in your mind that nobody could win.

Jaehyun nodded and you both leave the apartment in silence.

The drive was quiet. It was just a short ride that you already knew the route well. Still, you stare at the street as if you were learning to drive. You can feel his eyes on you, but you couldn’t reciprocate him because you knew that you would burst into tears.

You park your car in the parking lot of SM and turn off the engine. But none of you got out. It was tremendous quiet between you two. You turn to Jaehyun and dare to look him in the eyes. His look was warm and loving. How much would you like to watch him over and over again. But these times were over now.

"Y/N" He took your hand and you look how glassy his eyes were.

"I don’t want that you leave.“ You had to swallow, but after the last hours it was somehow clear to you that these words had to come.

"Can we be together again?" You already knew the answer to that question, but you wanted to ask him again. All that you two had now, you could always have.

"You know we can’t do that, it's just not possible." You hear the despair in his voice and for the first time it seemed to you honest.

"Then you have your answer, right?" Your hands are interlock together and you notice more and more tears gathering in your eyes.

"I've made that decision for us, not just for me! It's also about your life and your career." He sounded almost desperate and you just don’t understand what he meant by that.

"You tell me that again and again, but it make no sense for me. And my career?“ You pause briefly and looked at him with wide eyes before continuing.

"This isn’t important anymore Jaehyun. You showed me what love is and my goal isn’t anymore to have a good job, a career and to have a lot of money. I want to feel what I have felt for you again. And if I have this, I want to marry him and have some wonderful children with him." A tear rolled over your cheek and you had to laugh a little.

"I think that makes you to an adult or? When you finally know what you want in life.“ At that moment, Jaehyun put his palm on your cheek and brushed away a tear with his thumb, and when you look at him you can see that he's also fighting with his tears.

"Thank you Jaehyun, for showing me what love is, and I will never forget what you have done for me. But I have to let you go now, otherwise I can never learn to love again." More tears rolled down your cheek and suddenly you hear a sob from Jaehyun. He took his second hand, put it on your other cheek and put his forehead on yours. You can feel the salty tears now pouring down his face. It was a strange feeling, because you had never seen Jaehyun cry before.

"And you will meet a beautiful girl and marry her, you will have beautiful children and maybe one day we will meet at the playground with our children and we will reminisce and laugh about this time." More tears streamed down your face and your sobs grew louder. It was strange. You were face to face to Jaehyun and you both sat there and cried. But you had to leave. You slowly pull yourself up and try to smile. Your eyes sparkled and you look down at Jaehyun who is still burying his face.

„I love you Jung Jaehyun. I love you so much and because of this it hurts so much that I can’t have you. That's why I have to go.“ You lift his head and look at him. Tears ran down his face.

"I love you too." You realized that he tried really to collect himself. Your lips touched and joined in a kiss. This moment felt like time was standing still. His touch was hot, his lips were full and all your longings were filled in that one second. This moment would never fade away, it would always remain in a memory that would never disappear from your mind again. No man would be like Jaehyun anymore. Anyone else you would kiss would you compare to this kiss. Could you really love a man who wasn’t Jaehyun?

After this kiss, you weren’t sure anymore. After he broke away from you, you held your breath for a moment. He left the car and you look after him for a few seconds. When he was no longer in sight, you burst into tears. Your sobs growing loud and you couldn’t breathe for a few seconds. It was almost like a panic attack. The knife pierced your chest again and you felt the strong physical pain again. You wanted to scream, but no noises came out. You hold your fist in front of your heart and your upper body cramped. You are here for a few minutes, hoping that the pain would soon stop.

_______________________________________________________________________

"We are really pleased that you have chosen us, don’t worry about SM. We are going to take care of that. Now you have to focus on your work and there will be a lot to come on." You look at the man standing in front of you and you couldn’t say much. Not even a smile was possible.

"Here's the contract, you just have to sign here and the rest is fixed." He handed you some papers that you read carefully. You had already received a draft of the contract. This is hardly differed from the other one.

You take the pen and want to sign, but you hesitate for a moment. With this signature, you would let Jaehyun go completely. There was no way to see him anymore. This signature would mean your final end. But Jaehyun seems to have already made the decision for both of you.

You take the contract and perpetuate your signature on it.

Now you have made the decision.

It didn’t make sense to thought about it anyway, because a relationship with Jaehyun was hopeless.

[somestorythoughts]

Heroes Causing Akumas

Marinette inadvertently causes several akumas over the course of the show.  I wouldn’t say Timebreaker or Backwarder was on her those were complete accidents, but as Ladybug there’s Antibug, Volpina, and Santa Claws. As Marinette there’s Befana, Riposte, Glaciator, Reverser, Bakerix, Ikari Gozen, and Reflectadoll 2.

Meanwhile Adrien gets Copycat, and only that.

I don’t remember Santa Claws well so lets ignore that one. Thing is, most of the akumas that could be attributed to Marinette are barely her fault. Starting with the Ladybug ones, Antibug overreacted. Ladybug knows Chloe better than Chloe thinks, she has every reason to believe the girl is lying and be annoyed that she made their job harder by strutting in unannounced. It probably damaged Chloe’s fragile selfesteem, but it isn’t as if Ladybug’s wrong. It’s similar with Volpina; maybe Ladybug was a bit harsh but that doesn’t change the fact that Lila lied about her, a lie which could get Lila herself in trouble, and that she stole and threw away Adrien’s book clearly not intending to return it. Getting called out on your lies is certainly anger-inducing, but that doesn’t mean ladybug’s wrong.

And oh boy, I did not realize how many akumatizations could possibly be traced back to Marinette before I went through the episode list so lets get started.

Reverser is the only one I think she’s actually at fault for, most of the others are overreactions. Marinette meant well but it was badly handled and while I don’t like that Marc assumed Marinette set him up cause she’s a sweetheart, and can kind of see how he’d come to that conclusion. But the others?

Glaciator was an overreaction just because one person’s upset and doesn’t want ice cream doesn’t mean you go on a frozen rampage. Similar thing with Bakerix. Kagami was raised to be a perfectionist and she knows how disappointed her mother will be so her upset is understandable, but someone who litterally just started fencing should not be judging 2 very skillful fencers, They should have started over. I suppose Ikari Gozen wasn’t well-handled either, but I don’t think Marinette knew Kagami’s mother well enough to guess that reaction, but she meant well. Tomoe is a control freak so she overreacts, and even without that many parents would probably be annoyed at their kid for sneaking out. Could maybe add Anansi, still an overreaction.

And Befana isn’t really anyone’s fault. I don’t remember if Marinette invited her grandmother to join them maybe that wouldn’t have been a bad idea, but Gina had been gone for years. I think Befana was caused by Gina’s sadness at realizing how much she’s missed, how much her granddaughter’s grown up and changed. And now I’m mad at Hawkmoth taking advantage of people’s overreactions and natural grief.

Reflektadoll 2 pisses me off cause that’s Alya’s fault. Alya pushes Marinette into it when she’s trying to give Juleka time to calm down, Alya pushes them to go to the park, yet who does Reflektadoll blame and who apologizes at the end? Marinette!! Maybe she could have objected more, but this girl has anxiety and doesn’t do well under pressure from friends. It’s still mostly Alya’s fault. Love the kwami swap, hate the apportionment of blame.

And Chat Noir gets Copycat. 1 Akuma, early in the show. Maybe he and Ladybug share Dark Owl but that blame could also be given to the news people mocking him and he was giving the pair a lot of trouble. 

It might be worth noting that the Akuma that can be linked to Adrien is through Chat Noir, which is the personality that’s reckless and lets loose and doesn’t have most of his thoughts and emotions carefully bottled up. And like most of the akumatizations that could be linked towards Marinette, this one’s a bit of an overreaction. They both got jealous, both of them over someone who they have no right to be jealous of. Also I’m pretty sure the sculptor is a young adult and everyone knows Ladybug is pretty young. Then again, even if it is an overreaction, Chat Noir still messed up a lot there. 

But Adrien hasn’t caused any akumatizations, not even ridiculous overreactions that could be directed at Marinette. And I kind of want to see that happen. A jealous modal, a frustrated photographer, any of these could be after Adrien and you’d have a similar situation to some of the cases with Marinette.

I’m honestly not sure where I was going with this. It’s mostly an observation of the differences between akumatization causes with the 2 heroes. There’s not a shortage of ways Adrien could get the blame for/inadvertantly cause an akumatization and I think that’s being missed. He’s human not perfect, he’s going to mess up, its just that when he does mess up in the show blame seems to get shifted off of him.

[belladonnaflower-blog]

BASIC INFORMATION.

Full Name: Madeleine Anne Reed.

Nickname(s): Maddie, Belladonna, Bella.

Age: 23 (almost).

Date of Birth: August 24th, 1995

Hometown: Columbia, Maryland.

Current Location: Dertosa, California.

Ethnicity: Mostly white, with some argentinian background.

Nationality: American.

Gender: Cis Female.

Pronouns: She/her.

Orientation: Bisexual and, so far, not all that romantically inclined.

Religion: Atheist.

Political Affiliation: Democrat Centrist. She wants a country with personal freedoms, but isn’t concerned about subverting the system in any way. It has served her just fine.

Occupation: Part-time receptionist at the St.Vincent Hotel, part-time dominatrix at the Garden of Eden.

Living Arrangements: Room at the Garden of Eden.

Language(s) Spoken: English, Spanish, French.

Accent: East Coast.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

Face Claim: Anya Taylor-Joy

Hair Colour: Brown

Eye Colour: Brown

Height: 160cm, 5’3

Weight: 51kg, 112 pounds.

Build: Petite and slender, but not waify

Tattoos: None

Piercings: Pierced ears

Clothing Style: Most days it’s pearls, silk, polka dots, vintage dresses, pencil skirts, cashmere sweaters, Peter Pan colars, expensive lingerie, braided hair. Sometimes it’s black turtlenecks, high heels, garter belts, form-fitting dresses, red lipstick.

Usual Expression: Seemingly wide-eyed and alert.

Distinguishing Characteristics: Huge, dark eyes and prominent cheekbones that make her slightly reminiscent of a doll.

HEALTH.

Physical Ailments: Bad back, frequent muscle strain from a lifetime of playing the violin for longer than a body can handle.

Neurological Conditions: None.

Allergies: Dust, shellfish.

Sleeping Habits: Bella tries to get at least seven hours of sleep, but she has a part-time job and being a flower is a full-time one. She often has to catch up on her beauty sleep on her off days.

Eating Habits: Ironically enough, being the daughter of a nutritionist didn’t give Bella the healthiest or simplest relationship with food. It’s not as if mother ever had her starve. But she meticulously controlled everything that went into little Maddie’s stomach, the calories and the nutrients and the tons and tons of vitamin supplements she carried at all times. To this day, Bella still finds some comfort in her mother’s habits. She’s a skilled calorie counter and not knowing the content of whatever she puts into her mouth freaks her out. She’s even known to fast on occasion, doing it for the odd sense of peace an empty stomach can give her. Her relationship with food isn’t necessarily disorderly, but it is obsessive. Of course, she does have her indulgences. Once a week, Bella will walk into AVG Joe’s and order the biggest, most decadent burger you’ve ever seen. Lord help you if you interrupt her while eating it. 

Exercise Habits: About 20 minutes of squats, planks and push-ups most mornings. She’s not naturally athletic, but she likes to feel strong and healthy.

Emotional Stability:  It depends on how one defines it. The issue with Bella is that she is inherently unstable, plagued by sudden bouts of rage and hatred and prone to impish mischief, but she has spent a lifetime controlling them. As a result, she is much better at handling her impulses and emotions than most people. Most of the time, Bella is in control. It’s only occasionally that one can see the fire to her cruelty.

Sociability:  While confident in social situations, Bella has a profound need for alone time. It started in her childhood, with parents always hovering and noisy children pulling at her bows. Interacting with people is always a game to her, an interplay of masks and power thefts, and while she wouldn’t have it any other way, she does need her time alone. Alone, her secrets and rituals recharge her. She is free, comforted by the sight of the vacant face in the mirror.

Body Temperature: Cold-natured, with particularly cold hands and legs.

Addictions: Former self-harmer, still bites or scratches herself on occasion. But it’s always been more of a compulsion that an addiction.

Drug Use: None.

Alcohol Use: None.

PERSONALITY.

Label: The Dominatrix

Positive Traits: Charming, Resourceful, Comanding, Perfectionist

Negative Traits: Detached, Resentful, Obsessive, Off-kilter

Goals/Desires: To become more than just a sex-worker, to star yielding power over others outside of her room at the Garden of Eden.

Fears: Spending the rest of her days as a Flower or in any other kind of entrapment.

Hobbies: Shopping, Reading, Skincare, People Watching and, were it not her job, BDSM. Played the violin for the almost entirety of the first 21 years of her life but it was never, ever a fucking hobbie.

Habits: Digging her nails into her wrist, pressing her hands against sharp things, checking herself in reflective surfaces, tugging at a ponytail or twirling loose strands of hair.

FAVOURITES.

Weather: Cloudy.

Colour: White.

Music: After a lifetime sacrificed to the violin, Bella hardly listens to music for pleasure anymore. She’s still trying to figure out what she likes outside of baroque.

Movies: Her favorite film is Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac,

Sport: Practised Ballet and Tennis, still enjoys the latter.

Beverage: Black Tea.

Food: Despite her generally healthy habits, or perhaps because of them, there’s nothing she enjoys over a juicy, highly caloric and blood soaked burger.

Animal: Snake.

FAMILY.

Father:  Harold Reed – Harold is one of those rare, charming, holier-than thou people one can’t wait to fork-stab at a dinner party. A renowned psychiatrist, he is never more at ease than when towering over other people with his superior intellect and stability. Though he adored his seemingly perfect family, he secretly derived some enjoyment from the tension between Madeleine and her mother. Madeleine knew it, and often used her perceived favor to manipulate him. On the surface, she was daddy’s girl. Under it, she resented him just as much as she did her mother, and now thinks of him even less.

Mother:  Maria Reed – Oh, Maria could just eat little Madeleine up. She wanted her daughter to be as beautiful, as graceful, as lovely as she could be. She herself was practically perfect, an accomplished nutritionist and a woman who prided herself on not taking part in idle suburban housewife drivel. It wasn’t that she didn’t love or feel proud of Madeleine, it was just that she adored her so much that she was certain that she could always do better. Maria controlled and smothered Madeleine, so she learnt how to get a kick out of hurting her by hurting herself. Bella sometimes sends her parents letters. She doesn’t know if it’s about cruelty or kindness. Perhaps both. Besides, she might need to ask them for money one day.

Sibling(s): None.

Children: None.

Pet(s): None. Her family had a cat named Fergus as a child and she hated the fucking thing. She doesn’t cross out the possibility of one day getting a dog or a snake, though.

Family’s Financial Status: Well-established middle class. Typical suburban family with educated, successful parents. Being an only child also meant that they were able to focus their income solely on her, so Madeleine was raised in some luxury.

EXTRA.

Zodiac Sign: Virgo

MBTI: INTJ

Enneagram: Type 6 - Loyal Skeptic

Temperament: Choleric

Moral Alignment: Between Neutral and Lawful Evil

Primary Vice: Envy

Primary Virtue: Diligence

Element: Earth

[charlie-minion]

134/365

May 14: “Who am I?”

Answering this entry hasn’t been easy at all. I’ve been trying to find out who I am since 2013, and all I know is that I’m still a work in progress. In this journey to find myself, I’ve had to peel off layer after layer of the person I’ve pretended to be for a long time. To know who I am, first I have to understand who I am not.

I’m not a sarcastic beast. I’m actually very sensitive, but every time I feel uncomfortable, nervous, under pressure, or attacked in any way, my coping mechanism is to use humor and/or sarcasm. If it’s an emotionally charged situation, I’ll do my best to change the mood by making people laugh. The same happens if the situation is uncomfortable or too serious, I need to break the ice because I can’t deal with that. If I feel attacked in any way, not only do I use humor, but also I say what I think about people in a sarcastic tone so that they can’t tell whether I’m kidding or being aggressive. (Most of the time I’m being very passive-aggressive, but I’m so good at playing clown that people don’t notice it). The interesting thing is that I’ve been doing this for years without really paying attention to what was behind it. I’ve become aware of it in the last few months.

I’m not sociable and confident. I try to pretend I am because in this competitive world, you need to be like that if you want to “succeed”. In reality, I don’t like to be surrounded by many people and I’m very insecure. Many times I’ve tried to hide my insecurities by using other people’s insecurities against them (here is where sarcasm makes an appearance again). That’s not who I really am; it’s the monster I created to “survive”. In other words, I became a bully to fight the bullies, and that’s definitely not okay. Hopefully, now that I’m aware, I can fight these negative tendencies.

I’m not a loner. As an introvert, I need some alone time to recharge every day, but I also need to know I have at least one person I can lean on. I became a loner because of circumstances out of my control, so the only thing I could do was to pretend I liked it that way and isolate myself even more.

I’m not an angry person. That’s the word Mom uses to describe me everywhere she goes, but the truth is that I’m angry most of the time with HER, thanks to all the years of repressed anger. I get triggered by some things people do that make me remember the way my mother treats me, but in general terms I’m not a person who will get angry easily. When people behave like decent human beings who don’t try to put me down, I relax a lot around them and, surprisingly, I’m not angry.

I’m not straight. That was probably the first thing I had to accept about who I am. I pretended to be straight for over two decades, so identifying first as bisexual and then as demisexual/biromantic has taken me a long process of introspection. Being comfortable enough to have my first official girlfriend has been a huge win for me.

I am not fashionable or materialistic. For some time when I was in my early 20s, I tried to pretend I was because I wanted to fit in with the rest of girls my age I knew at the time. This was probably the first layer I was able to peel off.

When I started this blog, I became Charlie and let her be what I thought I couldn’t be outside the Internet. I let Charlie be vulnerable in 2016 through my journal. But as Karla, I was still “going strong”. I was still pretending to be successful in my career and enjoying my life despite the ups and downs, because I had the final say in everything; I had control over the major situations in my life. Bullshit! I just tried to keep that façade for way too long.

This is the first time that Karla has embraced who Charlie is. This is the first time that I’ve allowed myself to simply be who I am.

But the question remains, who am I?

I’m hypersensitive, but I’m also self-aware. 

I’m very smart, but not so good at improvising. 

I’m an introvert, but that doesn’t stop me from being friendly and talkative once I feel comfortable around people.  

I’m shy and hate small talk, but I can take initiative when necessary. 

I’m a perfectionist, but I’ve finally seen why that is not a good thing and I’m trying to work on it. 

I’m a control freak, but I’m learning to use that tendency to control my own emotions. 

I’m an idealist who’s been betrayed a lot but still dreams of eternal love and loyal friendship. 

I’m distrustful, but I’m also an incurable romantic. 

I’m compassionate and kind, but I’m also too naïve sometimes.  

I’m terrible at active listening, but I compensate that with lots of honest caring. 

I have a huge need of affection, but that makes me an affectionate person towards others.

I’m touch-starved, but that makes me more loving to the people and animals around me. 

I’m funny, but I’ve understood I don’t need to use aggressive sarcasm for that. 

I’m honest, loyal, and faithful. 

I’m tall, curvy, and a little heavy. 

I might not be the prettiest girl in the room, but I’m beautiful in my own way. 

I have expressive eyes and a warm smile. 

I have a poor memory and an inability to lie. 

But above all, I am one of a kind… a very valuable person who deserves to be respected and loved. I don’t have to be what others expect or want me to be. I have good and bad traits, but I also have room for improvement. 

I’M KARLA AND I’M VERY PROUD OF WHO I AM.