#she’s also terrible to Cole and I GET WHY but she never fucking learns

[furubabasket]

(warning: sera critical, sorry)

so. I wish I could love Sera DragonAge (I even romanced her my first playthrough, though I never got past WEWH in that run) but. man. she is just so close-minded. every time I hope she’s going to be mature about something she turns around and says the most reactionary childish thing possible. she’s incredibly judgmental. she actively and vitriolicly avoids anything she’s uncomfortable with (magic, elfyness, spirits, etc.) to a level that is alarming in someone who’s supposed to be a leader and champion for the downtrodden. it comes down to one thing for me: she hates nobles more than she loves people.

and, like! those flaws would be really interesting if we saw more positives from her. and/or if she matured DURING the story instead of getting a supposed emotional growth spurt between DA:I and Trespasser (which I haven’t actually played myself yet, so admittedly I can’t speak on how she is during that DLC), but she doesn’t. we don’t get to point out that she routinely makes messes for the “little people” to clean up, etc. we get to call her crazy and treat her like shit if we want to, but that isn’t what I want! I want to sit down with her and ask her to keep her mouth shut for two seconds while someone with a different experience is talking. I want to ask her if she can please manage to take someone (anything) seriously instead of making a shitty joke about their trauma or calling them crazy. (AKA I miss some of DA:II’s rivalry system.)

I understand why she’s like this. I think it’s interesting. but it makes her insufferable and nonsensical to take anywhere as the face of the Inquisition. where her writing really fails is the way nearly all of our responses to her are (at best) bemused or (at worst) mean—and not “sensibly critical” mean, but “personal attack”/“needlessly cruel” mean. again, we can’t actually call her out on her shit. we can just sort of treat her like a dumb kid and ignore her feelings as completely irrelevant/stupid. which sucks. her feelings matter. even if I think she shouldn’t yell at people and mock them and act generally like a shitty myopic teenager (note: she IS young, but not that young), in order for her to be more mature she has to actually address her feelings and work through them. she has to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and learn how to listen to others respectfully even when she doesn’t agree. our Inquisitor treating her like shit randomly just confirms her hatred of “big people” without any personal growth. again, she hates more than she loves. she hates BECAUSE she loves, supposedly, but the writing should have focused on that love harder if we aren’t meant to find her insufferable and immature.

I just think Sera would be much more enjoyable of a character if we could see her become more levelheaded and/or help her work through some of that personal shit to a deeper level, because during the game she is so mired in her own issues that, for me……. she barely even twitches the needle on the scale from “misanthropic and explosive self-hating teen” to the “chaotic but community-minded resistance organizer” she supposedly is.

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 4

-attachment, orphanages, and yet more child psych: time to add yet another voice to the void-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION.

I'm going to be super biased, because my favorite portrayal of Tom Riddle is actually Hero Fiennes-Tiffin as eleven-year-old Tom Riddle, in HBP and I get to chat about child psych in this one, sooo here we go.

First of all, I’m just so impressed that a kid could bring that much depth to such a complex character.

This is the portrayal, I feel, that brings us closest to Tom’s character. Yes, Coulson’s brought us pretty close, but by fifth year, the mask was on.

We don't really get to see Tom looking afraid very often, but it's fear that rules his life, so it's really poignant in our first (chronologically) introduction, he looks absolutely terrified.

The void being the fandom's loud opinions on a certain headmaster. I wouldn't call myself pro-Dumbledore, but I'm certainly not anti-Dumbledore, either. (Agnostic-Dumbledore??)

Since I'm not of the anti-Dumbledore persuasion, I decided to poke around in the tags and see what the arguments were, so I don't make comments out of ignorance.

Most of the tag seems to be more directed towards his treatment of Harry and Sirius, but a few people mentioned that Dumbledore should have treated Tom with ‘exceptional kindness’ and tried to ‘rehabilitate’ him.

As I said in Parts 2 and 3, I am 100% in favor of helping a traumatized kid learn to cope, and I don’t think Tom Riddle was solidly on the Path to Evil (TM) at birth, or even at eleven. Not even at fifteen.

Could unconditional love and kindness have helped Tom Riddle enough for the rise of Lord Voldemort to never happen? Possibly, but...

Yes, I'm about to drag up that Carl Jung quote, again.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

The problem with this is that if you’re going to blame Dumbledore for this, you also have to blame every other adult in Tom’s life: his headmaster, Dippet, his Head of House, Slughorn, his ‘caretakers’ at the orphanage, Mrs. Cole and Martha, and possibly more. In fact, if we're going to blame any adult, let's blame Merope for r*ping and abusing Tom Riddle Senior, and having a kid she wasn't intending to take care of.

Furthermore, you cannot possibly hold anyone but Tom accountable for the murders he committed. (I should not have to sit here and explain why cold-blooded murder is wrong.) And if you like Tom Riddle's character, insinuating that his actions are completely at the whim of others is just a bit condescending towards him. He's not an automaton or a marionette, he's a very intelligent human being with a functioning brain, and at sixteen is fully capable of moral reasoning and critical analysis.

I've heard the theories about Dumbledore setting the Potters up to die, and I'm not going to discuss their validity right now; but he didn't put a wand in Tom's hand and force him to kill anyone. Tom did it all of his own accord.

And while yes, I have enormous sympathy for what happened to Tom as a child, at some point, he decided to murder Myrtle Warren, and that is where I lose my sympathy. Experiencing trauma does not give you the right to inflict harm on others. Yes, Tom was failed, but then, he spectacularly failed himself.

We also have no idea how Dumbledore treated Tom as a student.

In the movies, it’s Dumbledore who tells Tom he has to go back to the orphanage, but in the books, it’s Dippet. We know that Slughorn spent a lot of time around Tom at Slug Club and such, yet I don’t really see people clamoring for his head.

I regard the sentiment that Dumbledore turned Tom Riddle into Lord Voldemort with a lot of skepticism.

But let's hear from the character himself -- his impression of eleven-year-old Tom Riddle.

“Did I know that I had just met the most dangerous Dark wizard of all time?” said Dumbledore. “No, I had no idea that he was to grow up to be what he is. However, I was certainly intrigued by him. I returned to Hogwarts intending to keep an eye upon him, something I should have done in any case, given that he was alone and friendless, but which, already, I felt I ought to do for others’ sake as much as his."

Now, assuming that Dumbledore's telling the truth, I'm not seeing something glaringly wrong with this. No, he hasn't pigeonholed Tom as evil, yes, I'd be intrigued, too, and it's a very good idea to keep an eye on Tom, for his own sake.

“At Hogwarts,” Dumbledore went on, “we teach you not only to use magic, but to control it. You have — inadvertently, I am sure — been using your powers in a way that is neither taught nor tolerated at our school."

Again, it seems like he's at least somewhat sympathetic towards Tom, and is willing to at least give him a chance.

More evidence (again, assuming Dumbledore is a reliable narrator):

Harry: “Didn’t you tell them [the other professors], sir, what he’d been like when you met him at the orphanage?” Dumbledore: “No, I did not. Though he had shown no hint of remorse, it was possible that he felt sorry for how he had behaved before and was resolved to turn over a fresh leaf. I chose to give him that chance.”

Now, I think Dumbledore is pretty awful with kids, but I don't think that's malicious. Yeah, it's a flaw, but perfect people don't exist, and perfect characters are dead boring. I am not saying that he definitely handled Tom's case well, I'm just saying that there's little evidence that Dumbledore, however shaken and scandalized, wrote him off as 'evil snake boy.'

It's also worth taking into account that it's 1938, and the attitudes towards mental health back then.

Why is Tom looking at Dumbledore like that, anyway? Why is he so scared? What has he possibly been threatened with or heard whispers of?

"'Professor'?" repeated Riddle. He looked wary. "Is that like 'doctor'? What are you here for? Did she get you in to have a look at me?"

"I don't believe you," said Riddle. "She wants me looked at, doesn't she? Tell the truth!"

"You can't kid me! The asylum, that's where you're from, isn't it? 'Professor,' yes, of course -- well, I'm not going, see? That old cat's the one who should be in the asylum. I never did anything to little Amy Benson or Dennis Bishop, and you can ask them, they'll tell you!

Tom keeps insisting he's not mad until Dumbledore finally manages to calm him down.

I'm really upset this wasn't in the movie, because it's important context. Instead we got these throwaway cutscenes of some knick-knacks relating to the Cave he's got lying around, but I just would have preferred to see him freaking out like he does in the book.

There was extreme stigma and prejudice towards mental illness.

'Lunatic asylums,' as they were called in Tom's time, were terrible places. In the 1930s and 40s, he could look forward to being 'treated' with induced convulsions, via metrazol, insulin, electroshock, and malaria injections. And if he stuck around long enough, he could even look forward to a lobotomy!

So, if you think Dumbledore was judgmental towards Tom, imagine how flat-out prejudiced whatever doctors or 'experts' Mrs. Cole might have gotten in to 'look at him' must have been!

Moving on to the next few shots, he is sitting down and hunched over as if expecting punishment or at least some kind of bad news, Dumbledore is mostly out of the frame. He’s trapped visually, by Dumbledore on one side, and a wall on the other, because he’s still very much afraid. uncomfortable, as he tells Dumbledore a secret that he fears could get him committed to an asylum (which were fucking horrible places, as I said).

It brings to the scene that miserable sense of isolation and loneliness to that has defined Tom’s entire life up to that point (and, partially due to his own bad choices, continues to define it).

And, when Dumbledore accepts it, his posture changes. he becomes more confident and more at ease, as he describes the... utilities of his magical abilities. 

"All sorts," breathed Riddle. A flush of excitement was rising up his neck into his hollow cheeks; he looked fevered. "I can make things move without touching them. I can make animals do what I want them to do, without training them. I can make bad things happen to people who annoy me. I can make them hurt if I want to."

Riddle lifted his head. His face was transfigured: There was a wild happiness upon it, yet for some reason it did not make him better looking; on the contrary, his finely carved features seemed somehow rougher, his expression almost bestial.

I do think Harry, our narrator, is being a tad bit judgmental here. Magic is probably the only thing that brings Tom happiness in his grey, lonely world, and when I was Tom's age and being bullied, if I had magic powers, you'd better believe that I'd (a) be bloody ecstatic about it (b) use them. And, like Tom, I can't honestly say that I can't imagine getting a bit carried-away with it. Unfortunately, we can't all be as inherently good and kindhearted as Harry.

Reading HBP again, as a 'mature' person, it almost seems like the reader is being prompted to see Tom as evil just because he's got 'weird' facial expressions.

So... uh...

Nope, let's judge Tom on his actions, not looks of 'wild happiness.'

To his great surprise, however, Dumbledore drew his wand from an inside pocket of his suit jacket, pointed it at the shabby wardrobe in the corner, and gave the wand a casual flick. The wardrobe burst into flames. Riddle jumped to his feet; Harry could hardly blame him for howling in shock and rage; all his worldly possessions must be in there. But even as Riddle rounded on Dumbledore, the flames vanished, leaving the wardrobe completely undamaged.

Okay, one thing I dislike is Tom's lack of emotional affect when Dumbledore burned the wardrobe, in the books, he jumped up and started screaming, instead of looking passively (in shock, perhaps?) at the fire. Incidentally, I can't really tell if he's impressed or in shock, to be honest. I think they really tried to make Tom 'creepier' in the movie.

This is one of the incidents where Dumbledore's inability to deal with children crops up.

I think he was trying to teach Tom that magic can be dangerous, and he wouldn't like it to be used against him, but burning the wardrobe that contains everything he owns was a terrible move on Dumbledore's part. Tom already has very limited trust in other people, and now, he's not going to trust Dumbledore at all -- now, he's put Tom on the defensive/offensive for the rest of their interaction, and perhaps for the rest of their teacher-student relationship.

Riddle stared from the wardrobe to Dumbledore; then, his expression greedy, he pointed at the wand. "Where can I get one of them?"

"Where do you buy spellbooks?" interrupted Riddle, who had taken the heavy money bag without thanking Dumbledore, and was now examining a fat gold Galleon.

But I'm not surprised Tom is 'greedy.' He's grown up in an environment where if he wants something, whether that's affection, food, money, toys, he's got to take it. There's no one looking after his needs specifically. I'm not surprised that he's a thief and a hoarder, and I don't think that counts as a moral failing necessarily, and more of a maladaptive way of seeking comfort. It would be bizarre if he came out of Wool's Orphanage a complete saint.

Additionally, I think given that the Gaunt family has a history of 'mental instability,' Tom is a sensitive child, and the trauma of growing up institutionalized and possibly being treated badly due to his magical abilities or personality disorder deeply affected him.

And there are points where it seems that Dumbledore is quick to judge Tom.

"He was already using magic against other people, to frighten, to punish, to control."

"Yes, indeed; a rare ability, and one supposedly connected with the Dark Arts, although as we know, there are Parselmouths among the great and the good too. In fact, his ability to speak to serpents did not make me nearly as uneasy as his obvious instincts for cruelty, secrecy, and domination."

"I trust that you also noticed that Tom Riddle was already highly self-sufficient, secretive, and, apparently, friendless?..."

And while this is all empirically true, these are (a) a product of Tom's harsh environment, and (b) do not necessarily make him evil. But the point remains that child psych didn't exist as a field of its own, and psychology as a proper science was in its infancy, so I'd be shocked if Dumbledore was insightful about Tom's situation.

But I've gone a ton of paragraphs without citing anything, so I've got to rectify that.

Let's talk about Harry Harlow's monkey experiments in the 1950-70s.

If you're not a fan of animal research, since I know some people are uncomfortable with it, feel free to scroll past.

Here's the TL;DR: Children need to be hugged and shown affection too, not just fed and clothed, please don't leave babies to 'cry out' and ignore their needs because it's backwards and fucking inhumane. HUG AND COMFORT AND CODDLE CHILDREN AND SPOIL THEM WITH AFFECTION!

I will put more red writing when the section is over.

This is still an interesting experiment to have in mind while we explore the whole 'no one taught Tom Riddle how to love' thing and whether or not it's actually a good argument.

Andddd let's go all the way back to the initial 1958 experiment, featured in Harlow's paper, the Nature of Love. (If you're familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, him and Harlow actually collaborated for a time).

To give you an idea of our starting point, until Harlow's experiment, which happened twenty years after Dumbledore meets Tom for the first time, no one in science had really been interested in studying love and affection.

"Psychologists, at least psychologists who write textbooks, not only show no interest in the origin and development of love or affection, but they seem to be unaware of its very existence."

I'm going to link some videos of Harry Harlow showing the actual experiment, which animal rights activists would probably consider 'horrifying.' It's nothing gory or anything, but if you are particularly soft-hearted (and I do not mean that as an insult), be warned. It's mostly just baby monkeys being very upset and Harlow discussing it in a callous manner. Yes, today it would be considered unethical, but it's still incredibly important work and if you think you can handle it, I would recommend watching at least the first one to get an idea of how dramatic this effect is.

Dependency when frightened

The full experiment

The TL;DW:

This experiment was conducted with rhesus macaques; they're still used in psychology/neuroscience research when you want very human-like subjects, because they are very intelligent (unnervingly so, actually). I'd say that adult ones remind me of a three-year old child.

Harlow separated newborn monkeys from their mothers, and cared for their physical needs. They had ample nutrition, bedding, warmth, et cetera. However, the researchers noticed that the monkeys:

(a) were absolutely miserable. And not just that, but although all their physical needs were taken care of, they weren't surviving well past the first few days of life. (This has also been documented in human babies, and it's called failure to thrive and I'll talk about it a bit later).

(b) showed a strong attachment to the gauze pads used to cover the floor, and decided to investigate.

So, they decided to provide a surrogate 'mother.' Two, actually. Mother #1 was basically a heated fuzzy doll that was nice for the monkeys to cuddle with. Mother #2 was the same, but not fuzzy and made of wire. Both provided milk. The result? The monkeys spent all their time cuddling and feeding from the fuzzy 'mother.' Perhaps not surprising.

What Harlow decided next, is that one of the hallmarks being attached to your caregiver is seeking hugs and reassurance from them when frightened. So, when the monkeys were presented with something scary, they'd go straight to the cloth mother and ignore the wire one. Not only that, but when placed in an unfamiliar environment, if the cloth mother was present, the monkeys would be much calmer.

In a follow-up experiment, Harlow decided to see if there was some sort of sensitive period by introducing both 'mothers' to monkeys who had been raised in isolation for 250 days. Guess what?

The initial reaction of the monkeys to the alterations was one of extreme disturbance. All the infants screamed violently and made repeated attempts to escape the cage whenever the door was opened. They kept a maximum distance from the mother surrogates and exhibited a considerable amount of rocking and crouching behavior, indicative of emotionality.

Yikes. So, at first Harlow thought that they'd passed some kind of sensitive period for socialization. But after a day or two they calmed down and started chilling out with the cloth mother like the other monkeys did. But here's a weird thing:

That the control monkeys develop affection or love for the cloth mother when she is introduced into the cage at 250 days of age cannot be questioned. There is every reason to believe, however, that this interval of delay depresses the intensity of the affectional response below that of the infant monkeys that were surrogate-mothered from birth onward

All these things... attachment, affection, love, seeking comfort ... are mostly learned behaviours.

Over.

Orphanages, institutionalized childcare, and why affection is a need, not an extra.

His face is lit the exact same was as Coulson’s was in COS (half-light, half-dark), and I said I was going to talk about this in Part 3. I think perhaps it's intended to make Fiennes-Tiffin look more evil or menacing, but I'm going to quite deliberately misinterpret it.

Now, for some context, Dumbledore has just (kind of) burned his wardrobe, ratted out his stealing habit, and (in the books only, they really took a pair of scissors to this scene) told him he needs to go apologize and return everything and Dumbledore will know if he doesn't, and, well, Tom's not exactly a happy bugger about it.

But interestingly, in the books, this is when we start to see Tom's 'persona,' aka his mask, start to come into play. Whereas before, he was screaming, howling, and generally freaking out, here, he starts to hide his emotions -- in essence, obscure his true self under a shadow. So this scene is really the reverse of Coulson's in COS.

And perhaps I'm reading wayyy too much into this, but I can't help but notice that Coulson's hair is parted opposite to Fiennes-Tiffin's, and the opposite sides of their faces are shadowed, too.

Riddle threw Dumbledore a long, clear, calculating look. "Yes, I suppose so, sir," he said finally, in an expressionless voice.

Riddle did not look remotely abashed; he was still staring coldly and appraisingly at Dumbledore. At last he said in a colorless voice, "Yes, sir."

Here's an article from The Atlantic on Romanian orphanages in the 1980s, when the dictator, Ceausescu, basically forced people to have as many children as possible and funnel them into institutionalized 'childcare', and it's absolutely heartbreaking.

There's not a whole lot of information out there on British orphanages in the 30s' and 40s', but given that people back then thought you just had to keep children on a strict schedule and feed them, it wouldn't have a whole lot better.

The only thing I've found is this, and it's not super promising.

The most important study informing the criteria for contemporary nosologies, was a study by Barbara Tizard and her colleagues of young children being raised in residential nurseries in London (Tizard, 1977). These nurseries had lower child to caregiver ratios than many previous studies of institutionalized children. Also, the children were raised in mixed aged groups and had adequate books and toys available. Nevertheless, caregivers were explicitly discouraged from forming attachments to the children in their care.

Here's a fairly recent paper that I think gives a good summary: Link

Here, they describe the responses to the Strange Situation test (which tests a child's attachment to their caregiver).

We found that 100% of the community sample received a score of “5,” indicating fully formed attachments, whereas only 3% of the infants living in institutions demonstrated fully formed attachments. The remaining 97% showed absent, incomplete, or odd and abnormal attachment behaviors.

Bowlby and Ainsworth, who did the initial study, thought that children would always attach to their caregivers, regardless of neglect or abuse. But some infants don't attach (discussed along with RAD in Part 2).

Here's a really good review paper on attachment disorders in currently or formerly institutionalized children : Link

Core features of RAD in young children include the absence of focused attachment behaviors directed towards a preferred caregiver, failure to seek and respond to comforting when distressed, reduced social and emotional reciprocity, and disturbances of emotion regulation, including reduced positive affect and unexplained fearfulness or irritability.

Which all sounds a lot like Tom in this scene. The paper also discusses neurological effects, like atypical EEG power distribution (aka brain waves), which can correlate with 'indiscriminate' behavior and poor inhibitory control; which makes sense for a kid who, oh, I don't know, hung another kid's rabbit because they were angry.

Furthermore...

...those children with more prolonged institutional rearing showed reduced amygdala discrimination and more indiscriminate behavior.

This again, makes a ton of sense for Tom's psychological profile, because the amygdala (which is part of the limbic system, which regulates emotions) plays a major role in fear, anger, anxiety, and aggression, especially with respect to learning, motivation and memory.

So, I agree completely that Tom needed a lot of help, especially given the fact that he spent eleven years in an orphanage (longer than the Bucharest study I was referring to), and Dumbledore wasn't exactly understanding of his situation, and probably didn't realise what a dramatic effect the orphanage had on Tom, and given the way he talks to Tom, probably treated him as if he were a kid who grew up in a healthy environment.

In case you are still unconvinced that hugging is that important, there's a famous 1944 study conducted on 40 newborn human infants to see what would happen if their physical needs (fed, bathed, diapers changed) were provided for with no affection. The study had to be stopped because half the babies died after four months. Affection leads to the production of hormones and boosts the immune system, which increases survival, and that is why we hug children and babies should not be in orphanages. They are supposed to be hugged, all the time. I can't find the citation right now, I'll add it later if I find it.

But I think it's vastly unrealistic to say that Dumbledore, who grew up during the Victorian Era, would have any grasp of this and I don't think he was actively malicious towards Tom.

Was Tom Riddle failed by institutional childcare? Absolutely.

Were the adults in his life oblivious to his situation? Probably.

Do the shitty things that happened to Tom excuse the murders he committed, and are they anyone's fault but his own? No. At the end of the day, Tom made all the wrong choices.

And, for what it's worth, I think (film) Dumbledore (although he expresses the same sentiment in more words in the books) wishes he could go back in time and have helped Tom.

"Draco. Years ago, I knew a boy, who made all the wrong choices. Please, let me help you."

[minetteskvareninova]

Minette Watched The Princess and the Queen: Assorted Thoughts

- Pretty Thing Of The Episode: Daemon’s nightcloak. It’s nice to see men dress well for once.

- This one kinda dragged in the middle, but what a finish. Still, I am not wild about the timeskip. We get no Harwin x Rhaenyra intimacy, except for some longing looks - like, the woman probably stayed with him for ten years for a reason, if only we knew what that reason is! Also, no Daemon courting Laena (like, why did she or her parents agree to this match anyway?!), no Rhaenyra with her cool in-laws and so much other things that don’t allow us to appreciate the relationships between characters we came to this show after all. I know neither of these things is super important for the plot, but damnit, I wanted to see all of that! Both me and the characters deserve to feel some happiness before everything goes tits up in season 2! Also, we never learn how Criston Cole avoided charges of murder, besides “Alicent vouched for him I guess”.

- ‘Tis the season of trash fathers, y’all. We get no Leanor with the boys, and the less about Daemon’s parenting, or the lack thereof, the better. It does make the daemyra posts about Daemon as a dad to his girls funny in retrospect. Even Viserys, who you’d think is a veteran dad, and thus would have an edge over the other at least, is too old and decrepit to properly parent his children, meaning Criston Cole of all people has to step up. Like, it’s downright hilarious to watch Criston accuse Harwin of being the true father of Rhaenyra’s children, because he cares about them, when he obviously cares just as much about the children of his BFF.

- Aegon the Trashy begins his reign early, like I know teenage boys are assholes, but this kid really tests my patience. Of course, it’s not like he’s ever going to get better. I have a lot more sympathies for Aemon Still-Both-Eyes-For-Now, actually, which is a miracle, because I hated his book counterpart’s guts. Helaena wasn’t there for a very long time, but her scene with her mum and bug collection was cure. She seems nice, which just makes my knowledge of future events all the more heartbreaking. I don’t know if Daeron will be in the show, and I don’t even know if I want him to, considering he’s just one more good person tragically dying because of the whole shebang.

- Speaking of good people dying! Larys made quite an impression this episode. I am a bit miffed that we don’t actually know what his relationship with his dad and brother was, like if Lyonel openly preferred Harwin, it would at least make him look like less of a sociopath (I mean, not NOT like a sociopath, but oh well). On the other hand, I do commend his successes in outcunting Daemon. He’s truly shaping to be the Littlefinger of the Dance, and honestly? I’m here for it.

- Laena was a bit of a typical Wet Blanked Wife while on screen (an actual term, look it up on TV Tropes), which feels a bit weird for the rider of fucking Vhagar, especially since Rhaenyra does basically the same thing in this episode (making me sideye the creators somewhat). She did at least get an absolutely epic death scene, and I love that they didn’t go with the whole Daemon’s dragon baby thing, because it fits with my own personal headcanons (basically, the kid was just stillborn and it was Otto who spread the rumors about it being somewhat draconic, because Maegor the Cruel parallels).

- Alicent is in her That Bitch era, and again, I am here for it. It is a bit unfortunate that she needs Larys to push her into outright villainy, even if it does make her more sympathetic in the short run. I guess it wouldn’t be fair considering Rhaenyra hasn’t done anything super evil yet? Like, I do want the two of them to be somewhat on the even ground morality-wise, otherwise what’s the point of their rivalry if one of them is clearly the bad guy.

- Nooo, baby, don’t wish for your terrible father to come back, you’re so sexy haha... Seriously, like there’s not enough bad dads in this family!

- Both of my girls are capable politicians by now, which makes me happy too. And Rhaenyra supporting Daemon’s Stepstones project, which he himself abandoned, because he has the attention span of a puppy on crack. Do I sense some, eh, political dalliance?

[theunderdogwrites]

In Defense of Marilyn Manson

Just kidding.

This is another one of those ‘if you live under a rock, you might not know what is going on’ pieces. But because this story appears to be unfolding daily, I’d think you’ve heard a murmur here or there even if you haven’t really paid too much attention to it because for many, I think this may fall into the “that guy has been a messed-up weirdo for years so I’m not surprised” category.

Please note that in NO WAY I am making fun of this situation, but I learned a long time ago that I require a certain amount of humor to be able to digest much of what this world presents to me.

As always, let me give you the Coles Notes version with the hopes you will go and do your own reading as well.

On February 1 actress Evan Rachel Wood posted this on her Instagram:

"The name of my abuser is Brian Warner, also known to the world as Marilyn Manson. He started grooming me when I was a teenager and horrifically abused me for years. I was brainwashed and manipulated into submission. I am done living in fear of retaliation, slander or blackmail. I am here to expose this dangerous man and call out the many industries that have enabled him, before he ruins any more lives. I stand with the many victims who will no longer be silent."

Quick history lesson – They started dating in 2007 when she was 18 and he was 34 and were engaged for a brief time in 2010.

This was Manson’s response to what she wrote:

"Obviously, my art and my life have long been magnets for controversy, but these recent claims about me are horrible distortions of reality. My intimate relationships have always been entirely consensual with like-minded partners. Regardless of how - and why - others are now choosing to misrepresent the past, that is the truth."

Since the original statement on February 1 a number of women have come forward with stories of their own ranging from physical and emotional abuse to human trafficking. And everyday something new is revealed. Evan Rachel Woods is feverishly posting on her Insta-Story and is slowly burying Manson in an ocean of consequences. She isn’t “fired up” or “a woman scorned”, she is a victim rising above the shame she has felt and the fear of what others will say about her to tell her story and encourage others to do the same. She is the voice that started the ball rolling. The ball that is about to crush Marilyn Manson.

Whenever I write stuff that is currently being heavily featured in the media, I always dive into articles so I can get as much information as possible. But more importantly, I plunge my sensitive little soul into the murky depths known as “the comments section”. I do this because unlike those polished, finished pieces the comments section will give you a better idea of what your fellow human beings think and feel about the topic at hand. And it is never polished or even polite. And often not for the faint at heart. In case you didn’t already know – people can be quite terrible.

The comments section is the modern-day gladiator pit. Only most (not all) of the participants are not ripped, athletic warriors but rather drooling basement dwellers with one hand down their pants (not gender specific by the way) and the other hand maltreating the letters on their keyboard.

Side note: Look, I am not the grammar police as I often just push past all the warnings from the Gestapo editing program in Microsoft Word. BUT I know the value of proper spelling, well placed punctuation and valid attempts to appear smarter than a domesticated turkey by making sure sentences are well-thought out and complete. Raising your argument doesn’t mean USING ALL CAPS AND ABUSING THESE THINGS -> !!!

I just deleted three paragraphs going over the recent “reckoning” that has taken place in the past few years with regards to sexual and physical abuse accusations against (mostly) men in positions of some kind of power. I eliminated all that writing because I started to tumble off topic. I’m not writing about all the dicks now getting their comeuppance, but rather the reactions to it being Marilyn Manson’s turn in the chamber.

Victim shaming is sadly a real thing.

The easiest way I can explain this to you – if a person gets pickpocketed and then blamed because they should’ve known better than to carry their wallet in their back pocket.

Evan Rachel Woods and others have come out to accuse Manson of some pretty appalling acts of abuse and what I’ve found to be the biggest reaction is, “How did they not know he was a bad guy? His music is so graphic and they thought it was all an act? Why did they stay so long?”. As innocent as those questions might seem, and I say that because our brains don’t always serve us or others well, it is a form of discrediting those women. Let’s be honest here… it’s hard to look at Marilyn Manson and his art form and not say, “What the fuck, this guy has bad idea written all over him!”. I feel that is a perfectly reasonable response, but that is where it should end. I think it is fair to pause and attempt to understand the choices of others, but it’s heartless to minimize their experience by placing blame on them for a situation we couldn’t possibly understand if it has never happened to us.

And like I’ve quoted before: People only understand from their level of perception. But that doesn’t stop them from laying on the judgement and damaging already fragile individuals with their inability to show compassion for a fellow human being. Reading through comment sections isn’t just maddening, it’s disappointing and sad but also a real look into how awful many people feel about themselves… to the point where they seem to derive some pleasure or satisfaction from condemning a rape victim for wearing a short skirt and getting drunk.

So… we have to touch on this to be balanced: innocent until proven guilty. Only these days it’s an automatic trial by media with the public acting as judge, jury and executioner. This is where “cancel culture” steps in and within days can destroy an entire career / life. I am not a fan of cancel culture. It does not give people a chance to learn from their mistakes or make amends as it immediately harms their very existence. Often times even before any proof has surfaced. I don’t think I need to tell you how dangerous this is… the fact that just an accusation could ruin your life.

Let me make this clear: if someone comes forward and claims they’ve been sexually assaulted/abused, they need to be taken seriously and not dismissed based upon the circumstances, their gender identity, the color of their skin, their economic position or profession or the person they’re accusing. In turn, the individual being accused should be given time to address the claims before the public begins demolishing their life.

A reoccurring comment in almost all these cases where someone comes forward and alleges abuse YEARS after it happened, is – “Why did they wait so long to come forward?”.

Is this a fair question? Sure. And I feel it is asked because our brain needs to find a way to understand the information we are being given. Because while we’d all like to think that if in the same situation we’d be unfuckable with and anyone who dared to bring damage to our doorstep would immediately suffer the consequences, we actually cannot predict our reaction. There are too many unknown variables to be able to confidently say we’d instantly speak up and seek retribution.

The fear of not being believed. The fear of being blamed. The fear of rejection. The fear of retaliation from the person being accused. The fear of being forever defined by your experience. The fear.

It does not matter the why, what matters is the chance they’ve taken by speaking up at all. Those who come forward should be embraced, not ridiculed. Not abandoned. Not criticized.

“Don’t ask why victims wait so long to speak up. Ask what systems were in place to keep them quiet”. Anonymous

I own a few Marilyn Manson CD’s. And I’ve even attended one of his concerts. Would I say I am a fan? Probably a number of years ago I was but truthfully, I’ve not paid attention to any of his music in recent years because I feel it devolved while my taste evolved. That’s not a slam against him or anyone who fancies his work, it’s more a statement on how I’ve matured and now seek out music that feels authentic to me.

The one concert I attended was opened by Courtney Love. I know, what a duo to pay money to see. Near the end of Manson’s set he made a disparaging remark about Love and trashed her music. At the time he was wearing some pretty hefty platform shoes so it made it all the more hilarious when from out of nowhere she charged like a rhino and tackled him to the stage; throwing punches at his head all the way down. When he finally was able to get up, he announced the show was over. There would be no encore and then him and his bandmates trashed the stage in a temper tantrum worthy of a toddler Napoleon. Still makes me laugh to this day.

Shoutout to Evan Rachel Wood and her most recent movie ‘Kajillionaire’. Watched it on demand about a month ago and it’s a brilliant comedy that will also pull at your heart. I highly recommend you give it a chance.

Check out the trailer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiMPCevu8Wk

[phoebehalliwell]

Ok so like I am like SO in love with the idea that p3 becomes a neutral power for magic!! LIOE the fact that it was owned by a charmed one ??? And now it’s run by a former witch (which like screw the system she didn’t deserve to become a warlock)!!! Like the fact that this is a place that Dency can be herself 🥺 and like other half-witches who are more “evil” (terrible description) like dark Witchlighters, half witches half warlocks, etc!! LIKE CANON COULD NEVER 🥳🥰✨

It’s like an evil/neutral Cheers 🤣

askdfjalsdkgjl cheers!!!! omg. spin off of the dency spin off. but yeah i think a large part of the dencyverse as a whole is just like stripping away the notions of the black and white morality charmed has been kind of plagued by, especially when it comes to those born half-mortal because like. if you only extend community places to those who practice light magic like what are those born without a support system supposed to do? especially like half-darklighters born with a death touch or half-demons like cole who have a whole nother form they shift into like this shit can be terrifying especially if u don't know what's going on like. if you go to light magic, they'll kill u, just based on who, rather what you are. you're not seen as human. because you're not! so what are you? and is there anyone else like you? well, the answer is yes, here come to the underworld and learn the ways of evil. like. shutting people out who have the capacity to do good just because they Also have the capacity to do evil almost guarantees they will fall to evil because that if the only place they can find a community who accepts them who helps them understand what they're going thru is like. evil!! but with the introduction of dency you know for the charmed ones at least it's proof like nurture over nature dency has a lot of dark magic in her but she's a good kid. i think like the fact piper sees that definitely makes her more willing to sell the club to the warlock/witch couple, even after they've been scorned by their own coven. like. just because you have dark magic doesn't make you evil. and like. honestly. piper gets the revenge kick she does like. if that happened to her she's probably kill the dude. and you know she didn't intend for someone else to die in the collateral damage you know that wasn't supposed to happen and now what? she's evil? i should really name these characters. chelsea for the fallen witch. america for her friend / future girlfriend / future wife / paige's charge. because you know the charmed ones don't wanna endorse murder. it's not a good look. but like they've killed before. they aren't saints they can't look down their noses on this. and america's talking to paige about how worried she is because there's no turning back into a witch once you defect (like unless we're going the dark wedding route. but the taking an innocent's life "pollutes" your magic you can't just untake it) and like. chelsea's just straight up a warlock now. the coven's threatened to vanquish her. but america knows chelsea she knows her and she's not. she's not evil. what she needs right now is not to be told she's evil she's a warlock she deserves to be vanquished like that only pushes her away. what she needs is to be supported. so i think paige probably helped chelsea get the job there just as like a. as a sign that she's under the protection of the charmed ones you can't vanquish her she's not evil she just is. (i think chelsea always really liked dency because like. she really didn't shy away from her dark magic. like chelsea's initial thoughts were gonna be to strip her powers change her name and just turn her back on magic as a whole. but dency's just this lil kid who hangs out at p3 before opening and like she's too short to reach the mic but she sings her lil songs anyway and do her own pyrotechnics and chelsea's just like. like it's nice to see a kid who doesn't hate herself. also please stop bc i need this job so i cannot have u burn down the club.

of course there's the other side of this coin the elders the wrong thing done for the right reasons is still the wrong thing morality check (also! let's talk! the future the elders sent the girls to in morality bites Wasn't the future it was a simulation built by the elders to teach that very specific lesson that's why prue was alive but also still at bucklands and evil and why phoebe somehow got an electrocution power which she would never develop) (oh also the fact that the date the wrote in the spell was two weeks before the execution yet that landed mere hours before it?) (yeah and in s6 when they're talking about how they're no magic to take u to the future and piper's like how'd we do it in s2 and leo's like um special circumstances. yeah the circumstances were u were in a simulation.) Okay! elders. fuck those guys. again i think they do really try to like rally behind penn as the twice blessed as a solidification of good magic a show of strength against the underworld but then also something they would never say out loud because it's bad pr try to seal in the magical families. like not let strays in those more neutral much less dark magic. like god they would so vanquish dency if they could but she's the daughter of a charmed on so they can't. but they hate that someone with demon blood is running around on their hallowed ground. (tbh they probably tried to convince phoebe to homeschool her with the reasoning like magic school is protected from demons that's how we're able to teach these kids having someone with demon blood there weakens the protections and puts the future of all light magic at risk you wouldn't want to do that would you phoebe and phoebe's like sorry i can't hear you over the sound of my fulltime job no i'm not homeschooling my daughter she's going to school with her cousin and if your magic's that shitty it can be broken by one witch then lbr who's really putting the future of all light magic at risk?) but i think outside of the elder's bourgeoisie type witch social class, magic is really starting to become more just. neutral in general. like. it's growing towards a concept of just "being born with magic" it's not about its origin it's about what you do with it.

[dalishious]

For those of you who missed it, I wrote a very long post about this quest as part of this series, only for the post to disappear in my queue. After months of waiting for Tumblr to restore it as they said they were looking into it, I finally had to accept that the post was gone.

On the plus side, I learned my lesson to never trust this fucking site to perform the most basic of functions it’s supposed to, and ever since have always saved my posts as Word Docs until they are up.

On the negative side, I do not have it in me to write the post again to the same depth as I did before. I am sincerely sorry, but it’s just gone. Consider this a much briefer version, though hopefully still to the point.

So, let’s just do this part and move forward as best we can.

#LowElfEsteem is a series on Sera’s romance with an elven mage, discussing both the well and poorly done aspects of her writing, while also examining her character on a deeper level.

When people call Sera a bitch, her quest The Verchiel March is often one of the reasons they supply. It’s entirely uncalled for.

Sera tells the Inquisitor that nobles arguing over ownership of Verchiel are getting common people hurt. The war table mission, A Battalion for Sera and Verchiel, confirms nobles are displacing refugees. And yet despite this, the lieutenant and Cullen both write as if Sera’s request to help refugees is a nuisance. The lieutenant says the Inquisition gains nothing and calls it a trivial matter. Upon completing the mission, Cullen says “do not tell Sera I said so” after admitting the whole thing actually ended up with potential diplomatic allies for the Inquisition, because Maker forbid anyone tell Sera she’s appreciated.

Sera invites the Inquisitor to come with her to meet her Jenny and collect a reward for stepping in. Of course, things turn terribly sour.

Scared Jenny: Don't hurt me! Harmond made me do it!

Inquisitor: What's your name, and why are you here?

Scared Jenny: He made me come. Said I had to lead him to her, because I said things. It was just bar talk!

Sera: This was supposed to be a simple drop. What's going on?

Scared Jenny: You're her? You're the one he's waiting for!

Scared Jenny: It's her! She's here! Red Jenny!

After the man explains that he was used as bait to lure Sera out here, the Inquisitor and Sera witness him shot with an arrow. After a brief fight with some mercenaries, the asshole of the hour reveals himself: Lord Pel Harmond.

Sera: Frigging user, you are. Another noble prick who punches down!

Harmond: We're the same, you and I. Well, that is overstating it. You are nothing like me. But we both need people.

Inquisitor: You want to talk now, but Sera is my ally. You attacked her friends.

Harmond: Come now, you know how much her meddling cost me? Because apparently you were complicit.

Harmond: Honestly, previous to this very moment, I thought you'd also been tricked by these Red Jennies.

Harmond: Despite your foreign nature, as Inquisitor, you are a social peer. I attacked them on behalf of us both.

Sera: Arse-biscuit!

Harmond: Quite. Inquisitor? Herald. I don't want to be your enemy. I am barely invested in being hers.

Harmond: If you are willing to recognize an opportunity, we could be exceptional partners.

The claim that Harmond makes above is one that’s been echoed plenty of times in game, and by fans; saying that Sera just uses people. But as perfectly exhibited by this very quest, that couldn’t possibly be further from the truth. Even if we were to ignore the countless of examples of Sera’s approval of helping people in little ways, no different from Cole in that aspect, this quest shows how furious she is over the loss of her friend. It’s not a man she even knows, but it hurts her to see him used, then killed.

At this point, the Inquisitor can immediately encourage Sera to take him out, which earns her great approval, seeing the Inquisitor is not willing to occupy the thought of allying with the man. But if the Inquisitor does continue to talk to him, eventually Sera kills Harmond on her own initiative. I have seen many people call Sera a bitch (and worse) for doing this. And I don’t get it. The Inquisition has killed people for far less, so why is it when Sera kills a noble man, one who used refugees as pawns, who killed her friend, who tried to kill her, she’s a bitch? It’s not like she does it out of the blue, either! Repeatedly, Sera will beg the Inquisitor to stop talking to him before finally acting. “Stop talking to him. Really, just stop it.” “Tell this snot-splash no, already! Not saying again!” “Three, two, frigging done!”

Further still, talking to Harmond should erase any doubt he is the Worst, if there actually was doubt to begin with.

Inquisitor: You were up to something in Verchiel, Harmond. What was it?

Harmond: If you mean “bettering my wealth and position,” I am always seeing that.

Sera: By getting people hurt!

Harmond: (Sighs.) Lade Chelle Morveau and I were jockeying for the land south of Verchiel. To claim land, you must populate it.

Harmond: My people encouraged hers to leave. Her people answered in kind. Et cetera.

Harmond: Really, it was all terribly standard displacement until your troops “seemed” to change the balance. Well played.

Inquisitor: What would you be willing to commit to the Inquisition?

Sera: Why even ask?

Harmond: Because a leader needs such information to make informed decisions.

Harmond: My family has ties across lower Ferelden. Our presence in Orlais is recent, which is why I resorted to subterfuge.

Harmond: We have militia elsewhere, and they can be made expendable for your purposes.

Inquisitor: The servants you killed, they did nothing except talk about what was going on.

Sera: You killed my contacts. My friends.

Harmond: That is entirely true.

Sera: Well, that should be that, then!

Harmond: You're the one who empowered them, made their complaints a threat.

Harmond: Perhaps you should have warned them about talking to you.

Inquisitor: Nothing is free. What do you expect from the Inquisition?

Harmond: Access, Inquisitor. Your diplomat is wisely selective.

Sera: Josie has better taste than him, yeah?

Harmond: Lady Montilyet knows a wise acquisition. Or perhaps can be made to see one.

He wilfully admits he doesn’t give a shit about all the people he displaced. He calls own his people expendable. He tries to blame him killing Sera’s friends on her. Even Josephine knows better than to talk to him!

So yeah. If the Inquisitor actually agrees to his request, or lets him go to just do everything all over again, they deserve Sera calling them a shitbag. And while everyone is ready to kill the templar that hurt Cole, or Dorian’s father, they get angry over Sera wanting to kill the man who tried to have her murdered. I wonder why. //sarcasm

The third option is, of course, using the Nobility Perk to seize Harmond’s territory as the Inquisition’s. Personally speaking, I really don’t see the point in this. What use does the Inquisition have in simply taking his place in the dispute over Verchiel’s land? I don’t think Sera should approve of this either, though she does, I assume mostly because it humiliates Harmond, and that’s a punishment second only to killing him. Back at Skyhold after this option, she says, “I should be angry you let him live, but his kind really hate a leash. I mean, he deserved worse for turning it all bad, but we made it out just fine. Good one, you.”

Bottom line is this, though: Harmond does not deserve sympathy, and Sera is a badass for killing him. “Friends, Inquisitor. Better than his lot any day.”

[estradioltone]

Why’s my stomach hurting? Why am I feeling so lonely when I have so many messages to answer? I CANNOT have another favorite person. Does that mean I’m doomed to high school loneliness?

When I was fifteen lots of people liked me AND I didn’t have a favorite person. Sean? Sam? Danica S? I’m trying to remember. Alex? Stephanie? What show did we do that year? It was Charlie Brown. Mattress, Charlie Brown, Trial by Jury, Sound of Music, and Alice. Shauna? Alex? Danni? Jonathan? Jordan? Danica made those CDs for me. Gabi? Ellery? Irene? Keziah? There were so many people. And none was the favorite. Kaz? Therone? Felicia? Deja? Corri? Jae? Cassie? Leslie? Laureen? Katy? There were so many people around me and I wasn’t the favorite and no one was my favorite. I wasn’t even talking to Amanda at that point. And I did like her. There were a number of people I was attracted to, and, I didn’t make any moves, bc I didn’t get close enough to them in terms of conversations. I needed that first. Like to be comfortable? Lauren? Was she in focus? I can’t remember much if anything about her now, and I was so into her then. Kari?

I used to change with Kari.

Oliver and his male friends used to change in front of each other.

Kari was so great. We were always friends only. I don’t think either of us ever had feelings for the other. She was such an amazing friend. Caitlin? Anna or Sarah? Sarah F? Janell? This is the first time I’ve dug into the memories of those earlier high school years. It literally feels like a backhoe digging into dirt and clearing it away. Archeologist excavating.

I remember sitting in 204 watching some movie in the dark. Mrs. H was teaching. I don’t have memories. Of what we learned. I never learned in English. I never knew what the fuck was going on I just always got A’s. I wrote that paper about having a peanut allergy. It has terrible racist stereotypes. No one called me out. No teacher. I was fifteen. Today I would e known better. Unless I was a republican. Like I was then. I was very conservative. How was I conservative? It didn’t fit with any part of how I acted. Danielle? Remember that film I made that was literally just everyone swearing. Spencer? I remember so many things. Why did I write that.

I don’t want to remember many things.

Why not? That’s so fucking weird. There are many things I don’t want to remember? Where did that thought come from?

I don’t want to remember bc it hurts too much to remember? That thought just came to me.

I wasn’t hurting during that year. I wasn’t depressed. It was like that time with M in sophomore college. Wow. In that moment sophomore looked like high school sophomore to me. It felt like being in Maine. It felt like mid August two summers ago. It’s summer. It’s June. Two summers ago he sucked my sick for the first time and I couldn’t even get hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I forced myself to keep going bc I wanted it. That was my fuck up moment. He kissed me that night. It was like Amanda asking to marry me what the fuck to DATE me. How did that happen? It’s in retrospect I wish I’d said no

The hurt is that if I remember I’ll double remember how

The blue waffle thermal

I remember the car and snow pants but not skiing. I remember kissing and my precut glowing like a river. I got wet like a girl. I got hard like a boy. I don’t know what’s normal.

I remember the night she came to see me at the Estonian concert. “Let’s go over here. Lots of girls like me here.” She later told me that freaked her out not freaked out it was like “ullll” what are the words that describe what that means it’s like a little oh no and yikes at the same time. It’s like when O asked me what my main interest in the relationship was and I said sex. And he had the same reaction. And I said, how could I have ever said something like that. It’s callous. And, it was honest. And then I got attached. Before I was having fun. I was happy.

And when I’m happy and having fun I behave like a disgusting jock boy. Maybe that’s who I essentially am. Maybe I’m choosing to be trans so I can become a different person. I do want to become a different person. Even then I thought back like what the fuck was I doing. Like when I touched G and C’s breasts. And I wasn’t allowed to go to cast parties. I didn’t get to do wild things. Would I have?

I was so many different people. I’m also the person at Sam’s house who was afraid to be there.

Remember Caitlins white dreads. Remember when Safi first came to school or Kylie. Remember how cool and superior you felt. Remember how everyone was lesser in your eyes. Sophie. Edna. Kendra. Nikki. That girl molly sitting on my lap and I was hard as fuck. I didn’t think of that in so long. Was that ninth grade? Or eighth?

We were at Burgerville.

I was just doing whatever I wanted.

Is that who I am in a state of nature?

And, I’m the person who stayed in my room instead of going out for a birthday party.

What was Menucha like that year

I didn’t have many years with older friends after that.

Remember Laura. You were twelve and she was seventeen. But you never really talked after the show ended. Would she hug me? Did she hug me in sixth grade? Was I happy at the end of sixth grade???? I think she hugged me by the 201 door. I can remember it now.

I drew that picture of her.

I said “your eyes aren’t quite even.” Wow that must have hurt her and I could see it in her face.

I did whatever I wanted. I thought I was cool I was trying to be cool at all times.

That was my first summer in Eugene. Jessica Zach Ted. Dr. A. Joe. Nicholas. Brahms. Komm Jesu Komm. Standing on the steps in that rehearsal room. My feet sweaty and stinky as fuck. Black like sweat things coming off my toes. My roommate was Nick.

That moment in the hallway taking down my pants. “Should we go all the way?”

Jessica wanted to be closer than I did. I fall back on ppl when I’m lonely but don’t want closeness when I’m not. I use people. I do what O did to me. He didn’t really love me? Or did he?

I’m single now but I’m not having fun but I need to give it more time and I am being more wild. I started to get wild sophomore year. Sarah G. I thought things had changed. But I didn’t want them to change bc I wanted to be unhappy there??????????????

You’re really cool for a freshman. Others wouldn’t do that.

Well I’m basically a senior bc I’ve already been at my school four years.

High school was my college time in a way. It was my amazing time and I was studying and creating big projects. College was my high school time hating things and not self actualizing and not being myself.

Did I do it on purpose???????????? Is that kind of thing possible???????? I know I’ve thought that before. Can I be faking this all? This little voice says yes. What the fuck. I have to be honest about that little voice. I have to bring it up.

She isn’t going to set the agenda. If I want to keep going on the same subject, I have to push onwards into it. What memories are there to open up there? God this is going to take so long and I want to do other things and I know I want to have done this work of digging through elementary school and things.

Honor choir I was the only freshman and I sang alone and they all clapped and cheered for me. I pooped and made the room stink and I was too embarrassed to say. I didn’t have anyone to sit with. I couldn’t sit with people who seemed cool to me. The directors were like gods. The guys were from Montana. I was wearing my first set of boxer briefs. They said I wasn’t like a normal freshman. The performance meant almost nothing. I was sick to my stomach going. I was sick to my stomach going to Eugene. I was sick to my stomach for years before undergrad. J. K. was too. She told me that later on. We read that same book.

I wanted to prove myself. That other guy was shaving and we were all sharing the bathroom. He was shaving. I took my underwear off before getting in the shower. I wanted to show myself I could. I wanted to expose myself.

Why am I so obsessed with the idea of having been molested or raped now and not earlier in my life? How could that be possible? How could I not have remembered it sooner? Or thought of it? Not in undergrad at all. I must be making up that fear. I make up my whole life. All of life is imagined and made up and fake and shit. All of life is imagined period. How am I tired again and yawning. I was always yawning with the computer on my lap. They said the computer heat makes you infertile. Did I lose my chance of having a bigger dick bc I sat a computer on my lap? I loved having a laptop. And, I never looked at porn porn. I was so abnormal. Everyone else did.

Talking with Jacob about penis size. I didn’t think about size mattering. That Hannah who later must’ve fucked Matt P. He came down with shorts so short his dick was hanging out. It was so exciting to me, and horrifying, bc I liked her. I liked so many people. I like so many people simultaneously. I jump around. I can’t find my place. Maybe I don’t have a place. Singing was my place.

I really liked Cole. How much older is he than me? Less older than I am compared to O. I think. He went to India and then he came back and did what. Was he only 24 or 25? We all thought it was fucked up that he dated Eric L and he was a senior and Eric was a freshman. He came out later. I’m so fucked. W moved on to a whole different kind of life where she has adult friends with children and she and F will probably have a kid sooner than later. She already got pregnant once.

J and M (C) are growing up a lot. I see everyone else changing so much. I’m objectively changing with HRT and whatnot. And therapy. And I don’t feel like I’m changing. When change is slow you don’t feel it. Which of these people is really me? My developmental stages are so mixed up. As a kid I fit better with adults. Even my parents say that. Now I really like nineteen year olds and twenty year olds. And, I just saw H and M tonight and there was a big gap between me and H but I was quite into M. I wanted to look at their breasts and forced myself not to. I wonder if both of them noticed and they talked about it later. I wonder how much people notice the things I try to hide. Am I good at it? Am I better than I think? Which me is really me?

I want my breasts to stay small. So I don’t get judged. I’m very worried about being judged. I’m not a women and I don’t like being called a woman. I felt like a man and no longer a boy if that makes sense. But I can be called a girl. I’m getting very agitated thinking that I’m faking being trans. We all change our gender identities bc it’s the thing to do. Conservatives are right. We should be conservatives. The conservative position is easier to defend. They never have to prove themselves. Their beliefs are the old ones. Why should we change. Life is fine. My mom doesn’t want things to change. Or I’m projecting on her. I tho m I’m better than others and I project my bad things onto them so I don’t deal with them. Is that why I feel so free?

How fucked up am I. I wrote that paper about L dying in sophomore year. I’m more introspective and controlled when I’m in a relationship. With A and W and O. Not D. I had to lie about her attractiveness. But I loved her mind. Or I loved her being there for me when I needed someone.

S isn’t comfortable with me. We went to the beach tgt with her brother. I felt she brought her brother so we would t be alone tgt. She probably knows I have feelings for her. And have for over ten years. She’s honestly so pretty. She never replies when I message her on ig. She’s had so much sex and partied so much. Idk if her hair really came back after her eating disorder. She’s a professor. A real one. Not like fake ass me. I live at home. I’m Jim the gentleman caller. I just want to relive my moment of being cool. She wasn’t cool in high school. And, she had a group. And, she’s secure in herself now. Is she? I don’t know her. She doesn’t engage with me probably bc she knows I have feelings for her. If she had feelings for me she wouldn’t react in that way. She would want to talk to me. Or she’s holding me back bc I’m a nightmare pos.

My dads bloody eyeballs. Bloody eyeball in New York.

I had introspection awake at night on my computer. Maybe if I slept more I’d have a bigger dick. They called me pancake. I’m sad that W’s life is complete without me. As I thought earlier me like O so much must make her feel the same way. S watches all my stories but never messages me. She keeps her distance on purpose and has for years. I need to stop reacting to her posts and messaging her ever. She never ever ever reacts to me. I talked to her about O. That was one of our only conversations. In the past year I mean.

I have so much left to say I have to pee I always tried to hold my excretia in.

I used to put stuff in my butt. They took me to the doctor for it I think. And in my ear. Or was that S. I know I fingered myself when I was quite young. I’ve been obsessed with pooping since forever. Obsessed. Butts. Anal phase development. Freud. We both stuck stuff inside ourselves I think. Or was it only him that stick stuff inside his butt. I can’t remember for sure. I thought it was me.

My blue basketball tracksuit. Orange basketball. So excited. Getting up early and getting fully dressed by myself. So excited. Running to my parents. It was so early. They told me to go back to sleep. They were sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I read something. It was so boring.

Everyone was asleep at the R house. I woke up early and first and I was so bored. I went to play that football video game. My mom got mad at me for playing that game too much. Did she get mad that morning? Tf was I supposed to do????? I was bored. Why did I get disciplined for such stupid shit. That’s a reason I didn’t respect my parents. This shouldn’t be a rule. Same as eating in the living room whole watching tv.

2:30 tomorrow.

Hold on hold onnnnnnnn the bathroom at OLL.

I make up narratives of being emotionally hurt.

So many fucking thoughts!!!!!!!!

Im making up a catholic school molestation story. Or am I.

That bathroom. That bathroom. Urinals without dividers. The tall skinny ones. Just like in the bathroom but 220. 220. Second floor, room 20. Playing football with Dominick and Kyle and one other boy. Kyle is dead now. Kyle C. Kathryn was friends with him. She posted about him. Angie. Leah senior year.

Your profile picture is you with another girl.

I changed it.

How excellent. Walking with Jessica on 4th of July. Dr. A gave a speech. We stepped forward for How excellent. Why was I involved? I don’t know. I wanted to be. They taught me the song. I sang alto I think. My voice was free. Did anything hurt? I don’t remember it did. I didn’t need Ricola. Or did I. My voice got sore junior year. Not sophomore year. I could sing big. I should’ve always gotten to sing big.

I’m going into a tunnel with my practicing. I need to work on something different.

I’m squeezing my neck like crazy.

The church at OLL.

SW from church really really wants me involved in her prayer organization. I am not a believer. It’s BS. That speaker was so BS.

I need to text W.

The church has blue carpet. “Jesus died on the cross, you can stand for twenty minutes.” My legs hurt so much. I remember lighting candles but that happened in California, not here. When Aunt K got remarried. I found out much later her husband drank himself to death. They got divorced before that happened. He would drink rubbing alcohol. Steven went too fast lighting the candles. I was so mad. Don’t you know what you’re doing. But I had to stay in character. My dad has to go up and relight them. I was humiliated. I danced with Baby Anna. She didn’t recognize me after that. She was so cute. I was 10? She was probably three or four. I was so disappointed when she didn’t know me after that. We swam in our shorts. I got such a bad sunburn. My skin was peeling at the Aunt P ranch. We were reading H P. I’m still scarred from that sunburn. Left shoulder. The soda thing. They had their own automatic soda. That was so cool. Everyone else lived in the real world. Not us. We lived in church world where I wore clothes I hated. And we took family photos I hated.

I’m just born evil nothing happened to me I’ve just always been evil and bad.

I looked in the mirror in the same bathroom mirror the same bathroom mirror where I shaved my unibrow when I was mocked I still do or was I even mocked I was just afraid of being mocked why do I have a unibrow why am I the weird one how can anyone love me when I’m so weird

But it’s not the same mirror bc that ugly cupboard got replaced and the door was so broken and I shared it with S and A. Sharing is such a nightmare. This house is pretty small for three kids and two adults it was at capacity. I wonder if that’s why we fought so much.

I didn’t work on the book today again.

The book.

Not my book.

Not even his book.

The book.

Where’s the ownership dumdum dumbass

But even if it’s not the same mirror it’s the same thought. I looked in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud just now

Crazy that I don’t remember

But if I said it out loud my parents would’ve heard

Why don’t I want my parents to know anything

Did they know when Z said he would kill me if he could or he stole all my friends

I was talking about how Lindsay Lohan was naked in parent trap. She must not have known I said. That excited me so much. Being naked. She was naked. It’s bad but it turns me on so much. It’s not appropriate but I’m so into it.

Even T said my obsession with sex is abnormal. But she agreed with me saying that. Maybe she was just pushing me to do more thinking. Idk if others are telling the truth for sure. My moral compass is off. I always want or need an external standard. This is right. This is wrong. I’m bad. I’m a sinner. If I just be myself I do terrible things. I say I’m just in it for the sex. I say all these girls here like me.

He said what did we used to listen to? Jonsi?

Adele too I said

It’s so fucking weird that we message at all.

It’s weird FOR ME that we message

God I’m so far off topic

Did he really forget what we listened to? Are our moments tgt not seared into his brain like laser and fire? I remember everything. I remember his letter. I remember meeting him by the chapel. I remember sitting on the bench outside the music department and we sat for so long and I was thinking this is weird I should leave but he just kept talking and then it was bc he liked me. I’m sure I still have that first letter in my box of heartbreak which is actually an oversized envelope. I remember seeing him from down the hall and feeling so happy. Am. I really gay? And that happiness was real. And maybe I was his gf and that’s why it didn’t feel gay

If I was abused how come I can have sex without being triggered

After a lifetime of being obsessed with sex how come it doesn’t feel good

I never lose myself in it

It just doesn’t feel that good. Masturbating feels better. Did I not have the right partner

I see little me in a dress

Instead I was in stupid fucking clothes I hated

I wore white socks at St. Luke’s with black pants. My mom told me dont. I didn’t want to listen. Then she was right. She was self satisfied afterwards. “yyyyyyyyyyEP.” Why tf were we even at St. Luke’s. S and A lived behind St. Luke’s. They were so cool. BC was there. I talked about having written an opera. He must’ve been like wtf. I saw him at undergrad at a concert. M said to me who was that guy you were talking to and said he was sexy or something. He was. I wasn’t into him though.

Oh my fucking god I’m so off topic AND I want to get this whole thought out.

S and A were so cool. I can talk to A bc I don’t have sexual interest in him. It was a long time before I knew he was trans. I was trying to put so much stuff together. They were both so fucking cool. S isn’t that cool now to me. And it’s hard for me to talk to her calmly. She had meds. I’m sure she has problems like I have. Maybe that’s why our relationship became weird. Weirdly close but not close and I was always yearning for more like I did with B. But I knew I couldn’t !!!!! That was so fucked up. My legs twitched. I wanted to be her.

Hating boy dress clothes. I always have.

Wanting to be an older woman.

But I’m totally cis.

What am I

I looked in the mirror now like I always did in high school and said I think out loud WHO ARE YOU in an emphatic tone of voice. My face and voice were serious. My eyes were wide. My mouth was set. WHO ARE YOU didn’t mean what’s wrong with you in this case.

Katy is commenting to me again it’s the most interaction we’ve had in years why am I not giving more energy back why am I being aloof maybe bc she out distance there and I’m trying to keep myself safe or I’m hurt or I’m just consumed with other things or I just don’t feel close to her. Her not talking to me hurt a lot. Stop distracting from topic!!!!!!!!!!! T hurt a lot. Then T sent that heart emoji to my post today after “stay well”

Alright

Idk what that means and W sees it so simply and straightforward and I just don’t.

That’s not who she was

I’m obsessed with WAS

WHO ARE YOU meant which of these many different versions of yourself that you experience and present is the real one? How can there be so many?????

I did outpatient at the hospital near sams house and Sam dated Irene and Irene announced her engagement today and both of Irenes parents are dead and we haven’t spoken in decades but were still connected online.

I wish I was walking in snow like when I was hurting over D and I walked so far and my mom called me like what the fuck you’re going to get attacked and I said I used to walk the streets of New York much later than this

Sam dated K and he was never the same after that. I was there with Gabi and Kari and we made deep fried lovin and it was amazing and we loved it and Sam and I could never recapture that although we tried a few times. He always said “what do you want to do” and I didn’t know and neither of us had an idea. I went to so many weird ass coffee meets and hangouts in those first few years after high school. A had a pool party or something. When was the slip n slide party. We had all those AGT parties and tried to recreate or simply create the social life and friends over we should’ve had in high school and I believe my mom was extremely happy bc that’s what she had always wanted, to be the party house, like all the kids coming to play at her house when she was a kid. But how could anyone like coming here with the way she acted. We actually were a party house in elementary school. There’s that day when we all played in the rain and I was wearing red sweatpants. There’s the picture where I wanted the attention and I stood in front of the whole group sideways catching snowflakes on my tongue. We played smear the queer in the frosty grass. The athletic boys were the coolest. K’s older brother Dylan was called superstar on the soccer field. We played so many games at OLL. Do you remember tether ball. Words look weird rn what are letters even. Wall ball and black magic and double black magic and triple black magic and quadruple black magic and four square and kickball and soccer and basketball god we were so competitive it was amazing and so fun

Kickball on the asphalt we always had scraped knees who approved that who let us play like that. Brandon fell and left his teeth in the asphalt or at least that was my image of it. Zero the Hero. One hundreds day. Turbo math. Writing books. Everyone else knew things I didn’t. Star Wars. Everyone knew things I didn’t.

We couldn’t be the party house in middle school. She wasn’t safe. I wanted to die. I deserved to die bc I was so disobedient.

Who was I? The no friends middle school. Won’t let myself poop disgusting fart everyone smelled it too scared to pee off the stairs I had to get approval to go to the outhouse too scared to spray the wasp nest taking down the pole and failing and smashing my hand and it had that big scab and I washed it with hand sanitizer bf that was all I had and maybe that’s what caused my blood clot but it happened so many weeks later how did it happen so much later. I was so into J in college junior year and then she told me the story about fucking that other guy when they were drunk. She even Skyped me. She loved that one guy and then he picked someone else and it ruined everything and I was always starving and eating my cereal too fast but I didn’t want to spend money buying more I only went to Cub like once we rode the bus and took so many pictures and I looked so happy in that moment. And R was there. Before he assaulted me. I didn’t want to touch his dick the memory of touching his dick is literally making me shake rn I need to stop it was so hard and small he was everywhere on campus he did whatever he wanted he was loud everyone loved him stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!!!!

My neck and arms are so tense rn what is wrong with me why did I have so many social problems putting my backpack in those cubbies when we went to eat I was so scared it would be stolen I took it with me I was the only one it was so stupid I was such an envarrassing person I’ve been so controlled in my life by embarrassment only the Asian kids ran they didn’t care what anyone thought of them we laughed at them that was so typical mocking any difference. I read the books of school history trying to understand the values and I finally did I didn’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have R and E and C.

The protests are dying down. We’re at the limit of change. It’ll take another death to rile this back up. That’s disgusting but I think it’s true. Things were done in Portland at about 9:30.

I feel sick. I feel legitimately sick.

I feel so sick and my ears are ringing great!!!!!!!!!!! And I saw T and her boyfriend and thought about how I want sex and I’m not fuckable. Which maybe I am. Maybe that’s my essential self. Unfuckable and insecure and anxious and scared of being different and scared of being judged and bc of this always already different and trying to be different so I stand out as a star but not wanting to stand out at the same time. Do I even like singing or like music or do I just want to be famous. I have been so confident that I would be famous. I’m so confident in my ideas. I’m so smart. No one can be more right than me. My co fife to self is despicable.

Maybe I loved being fifteen and being with M and being at A M F and two summers ago with O bc I wasn’t this disgusting insecure person but everyone liked me. I’ve been thinking that that person is my essential self. But maybe the whole thing is that thats NOT ME AT ALL. I’m not meant to be a star or be anyone I’m meant to be a worm and disappear and be nowhere and that’s why I do t have groups and that’s why no one liked me at undergrad and at the same time didn’t I keep myself out of groups on purpose so I would keep honoring high school? Like we keep honoring Leah. Just like I keep holding onto the pain of O to honor the relationship that we had and prove my real love for him. He’s moved on more than I could ever imagine moving on except that’s not true in the sense that I don’t know anything but I must be ABSOLUTELY clear with myself when I say that the reason it’s not true is because whatever I say is an assumption and I’m working on not making assumptions about other people at this point in my life bc I need to act on what people say bc I’m not at all a mind reader. And, I hope that he is thinking of me. But I’m playing with myself. He’s fine if he was here then he would be here. He might be in another state he might be in a whole other relationship.

Don’t fake yourself out. He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He had at least one other relationship.

He might not be single now.

He’s moved on.

He’s not coming back.

I need to finish this. I avoid the real point. Why does my brain do that. And I want to write down every thought. Why so many digressions

Okay then

I’m typing with my eyes closed sometimes which is something I used to do in high school while I was typing late into the night exactly like I am right now. S always lay facedown on his bed which I thought was fucking weird bc I only lay facedown to masturbate.

He did that in the day time

I kissed so many objects after reading the Star Wars novelization

We played Nanosaur at catholic school and public school.

The computers were in the portable

I never got to play as much as I wanted to

The computers were in the library and I played type to learn. I was watching Star Trek tng with my dad on a summer night and it enthralled me I couldn’t tell when special effects were bad at that age. We had to leave I had indoor soccer with Kirill’s dad and he was a star in the Soviet Union he said but who knows and I went to his house one time to play video games and it was a small apartment and I was so surprised. The preps took him in instantly but why not me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY IS MY GRIUP THE PPL WHO ARE WEIRD SS FUCK

We funked in the halls people laughed at how I didn’t know how to move myself or in anyway be in my body and I couldn’t let go why couldn’t I let go people who let go looked so cool Sam was our mascot at that high school duhduhduh day I didn’t know what tf I was doing there why was I in ASB it just seemed like the thing to do we tied I was relieved when I lost I missed the midnight going into the secret places in the school thing fuck my life I missed so many things I wanted

GOD DAMN JT

There were younger boys who went to pee in our one and only bathroom and they took their pants all the way down to their ankles and the older boys came in and made fun of them while they were still right there and I heard it and made sure not to be like the kindergarten boys so I wouldn’t be made fun of. I think I peed like that before that day. It didn’t matter??? Smooth white butts. There was one brown person in the class named Tharik. Maybe not but we were so white.

Is there anything else to remember about that moment?

Sinks where you pushed the bar at the feet to turn on the water

I’ve been to so many airport sinks and the urinals have no dividers

I always prayed no one else would be in the bathroom why was I so scared to pee beside someone I would be seen why didn’t I want to be seen? Other times I was dying to be seen. How did my desires change so much

Why was I obsessed with sex. I had fantasies of Hoth of magic school bus I was naked in so many. I didn’t want the doctor to examine my penis. I said can my mom do it instead and tell you. No he said but she can sit in the room. Okay he said. I was so scared. Why was I so scared. Why didn’t I handle it normally. Why I’m gods name would I want my mom to see my dick. What the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there ever a time I look back on myself and think wow that was a good decision I’m proud of that. No! I have happy moments like being the only freshman in honor choir or playing the zither or whatever it’s called with A

Am I more evolved than I was then

I choose not to act or do anything bc at least that way I can’t make any mistakes and not acting is also a mistake I can’t bear to do what I did in the past and then somehow I do it before I realize I’m doing it

Why was I obsessed with sex

I read about luke and Leia kissing in that movelization and I kissed so many things around the house trying to capture the description from the boom of how her lips felt. There were choose your own adventure books and i always imagined myself in them and unmade so many self insert fantasies where all the characters were still there. the boys were my friends and the girls were my lovers. I think OLL was where I read junior Jedi knights. We used to go to the library so much the old one and I read through so much Star Wars and Star Trek science fiction. I was never attracted to the boys. I never judged the stories I just enjoyed the imagination. And I read Ancient Greek mhths. I’m a fucking nerd and nothing nobody who got thrust into the center stage and suddenly I had some popularity and then I had that personality push and pull. Always being criticized. A criticized me and W criticized me after my recital like right after and A took down the program in Eugene and Ö tore me apart so many times including after the MC. Anneke was so fucking attractive.

God

I never should have had attention. I liked so much stupid nerd stuff. But I was cool in elementary school. I feel like wherever I am I try to make the stuff I like cool and bring people to me. I can’t fit into them. Music is a great way to do that bc everyone loves music.

I have always had false ideas of who I am but when I’m depressed I can be realistic. That’s why it’s good for me to be depressed. I’m a sinner and no good and deserve it. I deserve to feel bad. It’s penance. I deserve it.

That’s not what I should feel and that’s not what my brain feels but I write down stuff like that bc that’s what my heart is saying. Those could even be in quotes. That’s being said by a different me inside me if that makes any sense.

I’m so privileged. What do people think when they see me. Do I not have more followers and more story views bc I’m a fucking loser and that’s what people see? But I liked myself. I liked what I saw. I liked it. But it wasn’t or isn’t good enough for other people. My opinions grate. My opinions drive people away. Why do I always have such strong opinions.

I never do anything part way

I started masurbating so early. How did I find it

Don’t message back fast. They’re very inconsistent. You’re hoping for much more than they will ever give. You give what you look to receive. You don’t give what people deserve. You don’t give based on the real quality of your relationship but by what you want it to be or you give without regard for yourself and only regard for pleasing the other. A. W. O. D.

No boundaries. Too many boundaries. Inappropriate feelings. I do so much to avoid inappropriate feelings.

What’s inappropriate

Wrong

You should have sexual feelings for that person

You shouldn’t like people that much older or that much younger. I never knew him when he wasn’t an adult I stg

I can’t remember any sexual feelings at all in third grade. I remember so many times when I thought wby dont I like anyone. I remember like forcing myself to like K in fifth grade. I end up dating or whatever people I’m not attracted to. I see someone in them that isn’t the real them and then I expect them to act like that person

I guess I tried to change O. I’m the bad one

Idk if that’s true that I tried to change him.

But I definitely might say x is a good decision in my opinion. Stuff like that.

Am I asexual? The question doesn’t stop coming back to me.

Can I remember anything. I don’t fucking know.

I played with my penis from a time when I was very young.

W feels natural for me but wrong. That’s not who I am.

K doesn’t feel natural these days most of the time and idk why. Is she just a costume :( I don’t want her to be but maybe she is. I have to face all my inner voices. Avoiding them has hurt me a lot.

I don’t see people for who they are. For who they are inside I see them. Nope. That’s my projection. Who I think they could be which is another way of saying who I want them to be. Stupid stupid stupid.

Zuko

Rubbing my dick on my bed felt good. Rubbing it on blankets felt better. Pulling down my pants and then pulling down my underwear. Better and better and better. I didn’t think to masturbate with my hand for years. I went through so much shampoo. I came in so many showers. Once I was scared I would get my sister pregnant bc I came in the tub. I came in my grandparents’ bathrooms. Both of them. My dads dad doesn’t hardly seem like part of the family.

Why don’t i remember more?

Because there’s nothing else to remember.

Each experience is a different me. How will I ever know who the me me is. So many different selves. So many masks. A different person around every single person. Only O and D knew the full me. Not A or W. They were my sex friends and we were in a relationship. Sex was what I wanted. I turned into their emotional support doll. They didn’t support me. I don’t tell W things. She isn’t on my sinsta. I haven’t told her about it. She would be hurt that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t add her. Don’t give people things they can’t handle. She doesn’t use my girl name. I wonder if O knows I changed my name online. It doesn’t matter. He’s not part of it.

She doesn’t understand a lot. A doesn’t understand a lot. There are these lines right. They’re not like me. But we have sex. Sex is so important to me bc they’re sex friends. But then I get sucked in emotionally. Same with O. We were sex friends that got emotional.

I never had sex that satisfied me.

There’s a gap of why sex why me. Etc. Why secret. I’ve always been a secret whore like lots of white girls.

I’m obsessed with symmetry too. I’m not normal. I hate seeing S’s name in my text suggestions or whatever they’re called. predictive text.

I’ve always been obsessed with symmetry. Idk where that came from. I can’t stand asymmetry in my body which ofc we all have bc nothing is perfect in nature in a mathematical sense.

Left right right left

Up left down right down left up right

I do that pattern constantly. Teeth tongue mouth eyes feet

I’ve done that since forever. Why

Idk

Nothing comes from nothing but that doesn’t mean it came from severe sexual trauma either

I’m trying to find trauma just find sexual thoughts in the past instead

Like my dad giving me that one shirt sex talk and how uncomfortable it was and how I thought about balls or how sex was always trash and we had to go to bed when our parents were watching a movie did they ever make out there was no physicality in their relationship ever. She has her couch my dad has his chair

I don’t want to be physical with them I do with everyone else maybe I’m the abuser maybe I was born that way I kissed everyone they didn’t want it maybe Mrs. H was right to punish me that way. I feel like my sexual interest started before kindergarten

Masturbatimg has always been fantasy time. Sometimes memory time. Sometimes creating fantasy memories. Sometimes living out things I read. Erotica really is the superior porn

I masturbated like crazy, and, I didn’t know any sexual terms. Bisexual is when the woman is older than the man LMAO

I think already in first grade or so I didn’t tell my parents about school. I didn’t want to. Everyone knew who we were. Big ass silver van. We always were the last to leave anything. Always talking like crazy. Public was our only freedom even though it was our fake selves. I kicked the rock into Mrs. G’s ankle. My mom shouted at me. We were just playing. AND I know that I knew I was being risky. We ran laps around the school. It was always hard for me. Running. I always hated it. I couldn’t push myself. That Mikaela or Michaela or however she spelled her name was ahead of me on the sidewalk. She was faster than me. We ran laps under the covered area. That was where we were allowed to play during rain time. I told Jesse she was dat and she said that’s a black mark on my soul and a sin. H E L L H E double L H E double hockey sticks

I peed my pants and somehow Mrs. H knew

[whoaiminactivenowwepa]

Do No Harm - Episode 2 Rewatch (Review)

(Sorry, I accidentally posted a draft of this earlier and didn't realize it right away)

- "But wules awe meant to be bwoken" Did this child actually just replace all his R's with W's??? Best child actor. Deserves all the awards.

- I never mentioned this before, but I like Josh. He's real nice and quite dorky (which I love). And his loyalty towards Jason is... problematic though, where he'd do anything he'll say without even having to know the reason why. Basically I guess he's just a good assistant at the end of the day?

- I've only known Ruby for 5 seconds but I would die for her. She's like Lyra Silvertongue but ginger, and an algebra whiz too apparently.

- Wait why does Ruby get to have all the personality meanwhile Cole, who plays a much bigger role in the story, just seems quiet and dumb??

- Ahh yes, thank you Ian for the Ferrari product placement

- "What possessed you to buy this?" , " I don't know, but I know I was possessed" Hah.

- I get that Jason wants to protect Lena (esp when he's just been threatened by a drug lord), but she is a neuroligist after all. Like she and Ruben probably could've worked together and figured out a kill drug a lot faster. Instead he leaves her frustrated on the sidelines with no explanation as to what's going on.

- Isn't Jason kind of famous as a neurosurgeon? I'm surprised these drug dealers never came across him or any information about him at all during the 5 years Ian was gone.

- Jason and little Ruby have such a sweet father-daughter vibe going on here. It should be a crime to give a minor character so much personality and make her so likeable but then only have her around for one episode

- "Did Jason make you kill someone for him cuz you really should charge extra for that" Gosh, RACD made me forget how carefree and silly Ruben used to be when he ain't going through trauma. Makes me feel all bittersweet..

- So Jason left his previous hospital because of something with an "Unauthorized project of some kind". This is obviously referring to the knockout drug, so that means that he had met Ruben before switching to IMH. So Jason must have switched to monitor him and the drug research closely?

- And now the most iconic scene of the whole show

I fucking love you, Ruben

- I also love Ruby, but who the hell likes mint chip ice cream

- (And now, I am about to ramble some more about this show's missed opportunities) I love how this episode was about Jason and Ian being forced into each other's lives, and I wish the show focused on this more and less about a race to kill each other first. There's this anime film called 'Your Name', that tackles something similar and they execute it really well. In the film, these two complete strangers were suddenly switching bodies every other day, and though they never got to meet in person, they were still able to learn and understand so much about each other because they were literally given the chance to live in the other's shoes. The show could've been about that. It could've been about the two of them learning to understand each other when Jason and Ian's lives intertwine, thus eventually learning to coexist peacefully. *Sniff sniff* I think I smell a fanfic idea (I'd also really recommend watching Your Name if you haven't already. It's one of the best films I've ever seen)

- I wish Ian's longing to be a father to Cole was treated more as like something good rather than something bad in the end of the episode. I mean I know, I know, Ian's a terrible person. Cole is 10x better off without his abusive ass and Olivia has every right to be afraid of him. But the show just loves to antagonize Ian and ONLY Ian when Jason can be just as awful and manipulative in later episodes. At the end of the day, they're both just awful people that want so badly to be apart from one another.

Okay now, this episode is waaay better than the first. I like that they addressed the life Ian had that had to go on hold when Jason started taking Ruben's KO drug. And I love watching them both run into each other's careers/businesses and watch how they deal with the problems arising.

7/10

[happywitch416]

More because I can: Dorian, Solas, Dennet, Varric, and Sten.

Got Dorian already! Also, Solas is last and under a cut because I am Solas Critical and I know that’s a touchy subject for some. I think its cool other people enjoy his character so much! But I don’t and while I am a happy witch, I don’t want to be subjected to a witch hunt. Again.

Dennet

How I feel about this character

The man with the horses. He's blunt but most horse folks are. I like how his coming to Skyhold is basically you children don't know horses ill save them from you. And he just rolls with the nugs and dracolisks? That's a funny-looking horse? I guess? I like him.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

His wife of course! They are a good team, he ie the horses and she is more the farming and its a good match.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Blackwall. They are stable buddies.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I don't have one?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Hm. More reactions to the strange rides. I want to know how he reacts to feeding differences. How does he hire stablehands? Stablehands needed, must be good with raw sheep.

Varric

How I feel about this character

Varric is the worst. Terrible awful.

Ha

I love Varric. I love how he tells Hawke's story, never mind it's his story, he would never admit that. And not just Hawkes but the stories of each of these ragtag nightmares he wrangles to a table for drinking and wicked grace. I like how he is a good person, that does bad things. He lies, but is honest about his lying. I dig that he's with the merchants guild and just doesn't do any of it. And I love that he's a storyteller. Anything and everything is a story. Also, I find his arms, shoulders, and back to be aesthetically pleasing. Holy shit. Just stand there and flex pls ill die happy.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Hawke, with him and Rose being the otp. Admittedly when I read other Varric Hawke pairings I go this is good followed by sticking my nose in the air and going but mine is better. I am that person, but I think everyone is allowed to love their version of their OTP best.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Cole, I dig that whole found family thing. I dig his and Bull's distrusting trust too. Like they get along but definitely give each other the suspicious look. And Viv! He's gonna write a book about her!

My unpopular opinion about this character

LET US ROMANCE HIM BIOWARE. Also the relationship with Bianca, the dwarf, sucks. Like. Thats not his or hers fault but it is so bad at this point. I also don't dig the ship with Cassandra. I just….its got problems for me.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Ending it with Bianca, its no longer good for either of them. Romance him. Cowards. More games of wicked grace. The inquisitor gets to hug him if Hawke dies, why can't we hug him more. More hugs.

Sten

How I feel about this character

Sten. My murder child. You become friends over a sword. He's sarcastic as shit. You have found a wastebin. He's just the best.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

I don't. I just. I cant. He does not strike me as romanceable. He's gotta job to do and it ain't you.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Friend Warden and Shale. Team snark. And how many of your friends would rip someone's arms off for you. (If you are my friend, you can name one.)

My unpopular opinion about this character

Don't think I have one?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

More Sten! All the time. He's Arishok in dai yeah? Interaction! Delegation! Get me the hell out of Ferelden!

Solas- FYI This is Solas Critical, if thats a prob, feel free to skip! No hard feelings from me.

How I feel about this character

Immediate dislike. He's arrogant and a know it all. The Dalish were mean to me once. Well with that attitude I wouldn't take you seriously either. And the I don't like how things are so I'm going to destroy the world is just. Wtf dude. Fucking chill. Maybe. Take a normal nap and have a cookie. Extremes don't fix shit, which you should have already learned by now, the King of Mistakes. Also, he was my first Bioware Romance. I am Bitter. Especially since my next romance was King Alistair, as a dwarf. He dumped me too. Throw them into the fire.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

...no one. The lying, about where he's from why he's there who he is. The absolute ripping he does on the Dalish. Oh yeah, your culturally important face tattoo is a sign of slaves and I'm dumping you. Like. Sigh. It's not healthy. And I will leave it at that.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Varric. In their conversations, the man at the end of the world to be specific, they have two very different perspectives. Solas is pessimistic to his core. Varric is the one who sees someone surviving in spite of the odds and sees that survival as something worthy in of itself, as winning against the dark. Solas needs more influences that arent so doom and gloom. Flemeth/Mythal is the other. I think if she actually knew his end goal she wouldn't have handed over her power like what appears to have happened. She's spent how many years subtly guiding the hands that save the world? Why would she do that to let him destroy it? Unless of course, she knows things we don't. Or her spirit is laying in wait to possess him. Which I'm cool with.

My unpopular opinion about this character

Look, I dislike Solas and that's a dangerous opinion to have in fandom. My entire opinion is unpopular. Lol the one thing that probably irritates me the most is his treatment of Cole. Its all about what he thinks is best, not about what Cole wants. An important distinction. Cole wants to grow and do better and he's no its a spirit. While yelling that spirits need better treatment. Mmkay buddy

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

For someone who bitches about the black and white ideologies of the world, he's awful black and white himself. I would like someone to point it out. And I want the option to make him actually listen to the elves of the current time, the Dalish and the Alienages. Moping about in the past is good for exactly zero things. I mean apparently, he does in the books at some point? Masked Empire I think is what I have heard, I haven't read it yet. And we know he has this massive spy network. But does he actually pay attention to what his people are saying or is he so caught up in a million years ago? If you friend him, you see hints of it. But I want more damn it.

I understand why some folks love Solas, I however can’t. Its all good. 

[spideyxchelle]

Hey I don't know if you've ever done something like this or have been asked this or even if you really write fanfic but you should definitely write a spideychelle headcannon or fic based on wet dreamz by j Cole

a lot of you wanted some first time stuff. so here. also, I didn’t know this song, fam. so I looked it up and its WILD. the lyrics are insane. and, forewarning, this is a sensitive content headcanon. SO, you know, be prepared. 

by the end of junior year Peter is pretty sure he’s got a totally healthy crush on MJ (see: obsession) 

its not a stalkery obsession, okay? its more like since she found out that he’s Spider-man and become friends with him and Ned he notices everything about her and always wants her around and he starts looking forward to going to school because he knows she’ll be there and he even declines some upstate training weekends because MJ wants to go to BLM marches and he just wants to brush against her shoulder in a bustling crowd

its not weird. okay. its a little weird. but she’s woah. she’s probably the most brilliant, fascinating, wholly unique girl he’s ever met and she doesn’t need him but he really wants her to want him, you know? 

not want him biblically more like want him as in want to be with him but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t always want her to want him in the sex kind of way. he’s seventeen. sue him. 

the only time they ever talk about sex is when Ned excitedly tells MJ and Peter that he and Betty finally had sex. they’re all over watching movies on their weekly Sunday night movie night. and while Ned and Peter both freak out because AHH THAT IS GREAT NEWS…MJ remains quiet. they both ask her why she isn’t freaking out with them and she casually informs them that virginity is a social construct and you can’t lose anything. genitals are genitals before and after sex. 

and so, five weeks later, Peter is a little taken back when he gets a note from MJ in the middle of chemistry. its more like she chucks a crumpled up ball of paper against his head in lieu of passing him a note. 

after shooting her a confused look, he unfolds the note and nearly chokes. he shakes his head to make sure he read the note right and F U C K it says the same thing he thought it did. “you wanna have sex this weekend?”

he doesn’t know how to play it cool, how to play it chill because Peter, by design, is not cool. and MJ is. like probably the coolest person he’s ever met. 

he glances back at her and she’s jotting down her notes like she didn’t just proposition him in the middle of chemistry (the irony is not lost on him).  

he quickly scribbles down an answer (”have you ever had sex before”) and waits.

it comes five minutes later (”of course. you?”) and he tries not to be irritated by her answer because its her body and her choice but he’s suddenly jealous of this phantom guy he’s never met. and intimidated by her proposition because while he does wanna have sex with her (again, he’s a seventeen year old boy) he doesn’t want to be an inexperienced disappointment…

so instead of being upfront and honest with her…he lies (”yep. so this weekend?”)

and suddenly he’s making plans with MJ to have sex at her house this weekend and he has NO IDEA HOW THIS IS HIS LIFE ALL OF THE SUDDEN. he needs to talk to Aunt May!!!

NO WAIT HE CAN’T TALK TO AUNT MAY. scratch that. that is way too…weird? yea, weird. 

so he comes up with a plan that involves watching a lot of porn to learn what he’s supposed to do and he buys some condoms at a nearby convenience store. and tries to learn how to put one on himself like he’s a  pro. spoiler alert: he’s not. the rubber snaps against his dick twice and he cries both times. because that HURTS. ouch. by the third time he manages to not maim his penis.  and he feels pretty good, more like a superhero than he ever does as Spider-man. 

on Friday night he goes upstate to meet with Tony about his suit and while he’s hanging upside-down from the ceiling trying out some new tech a condom falls out of jean pocket. 

there is a profoundly awkwardly silence…..

Tony hands back the package as Peter’s feet hit the floor. his face is bright red and Tony asks slowly, almost like he hates himself for acknowledging it at all, “you’re being safe, I see. so that’s good” “Tony-” “I don’t really want to talk about it, kid. just safety is important, okay?” “yes sir”

more awkward silence. 

“who is it?” “Mr. Stark…” “that’s none of my business.” “thank you” “is it that MJ, girl?” “OKAY! I’m going to go.” “HAVE FUN AND BE SAFE PARKER!” 

and Peter wants to roll under a rock and never come out again. god. he hates his life. 

except his life is amazing because MJ wants to have sex with him….unless he’s terrible. O H GOD WHAT IF HE IS TERRIBLE AND SHE NEVER WANTS TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN?!? he could live his whole life without having sex with MJ (it would suck but he could do it) but he couldn’t spend his whole life not being friends with her. he needs her in a way he suspects she doesn’t need him. 

he goes to her house the day they planned to talk to her about how he doesn’t want to ruin their friendship….but he doesn’t really get to talk. he opens the door and MJ throws herself at him. and he does try (kind of, again he’s a seventeen year old boy) but each time he tries to talk MJ is kissing him and he basically short circuits. 

like he’s imagined kissing her before (too many times to count) and its nothing compared to the real thing. the real thing is so hot and makes him lightheaded and her skin is…wow. 

like its so soft. SO SOFT. he wants to know what moisturizer she uses. and he also wants to eat her out. its a weird thing happening in his brain right now. 

they fumble backwards into some wall and MJ is taller than him, that’s just the facts of life, but he’s strong and so he hoists her up around his waist to really take full advantage of making out. 

he’s pretty sure he’s making some very enthusiastic noises because fifteen minutes into making out MJ is smiling against his lips….and he KNOWS its because he’s amusing her. but he can’t bring himself to care because she’s grinding up against him and the only thought he can actually manage is her name - MJ MJ MJ MJ

it takes them another half hour to make it to her room because every time he tries to back them away from the wall MJ yanks him back against her. but once they are in her room MJ tears his shirt off and curses. he’s momentarily self conscious until she explains, “you’re crazy ripped, spider-boy.” “man,” he corrects her. “we’ll see,” she smirks. and then she’s kissing him again.

and he’s coherent enough to know that he’s in love with her. and probably has been for months. but y i k e s. she’s got him so fucked up. 

the rest of their clothes go relatively fast after that and he starts to think a little prayer that he won’t cum too quickly and that he won’t disappoint and that he won’t lose her friendship because he’s an inexperienced loser that is crazy in love with her.

he tears open the condom wrapper like he practiced and positions himself to enter her when she presses her hands against his chest and tells him to stop. HIS EYES GO BIG BECAUSE DID HE ALREADY MESS IT UP?! he didn’t even put it IN yet. 

and when his brain catches up to the moment he notices how nervous she looks. it doesn’t make any sense to him. and she whispers, “I know you’ve done this before…but….I haven’t, okay? so, you know, I can’t do anything fancy.” 

it throws his whole head off kilter because he hadn’t anticipated this. he’d spent the better part of a week hating a guy he’d never met that she’d had sex with before. but now….now….well this changes everything. 

he blinks, “you wanna lose your virginity to me?” its a dumb question because she rolls her eyes and says, “not losing anything. virginity is a social construct. but i want to have sex for the first time with you. yes.” 

“why?”

“i thought that part was obvious…?” and its not because MJ keeps talking slow like he’s a moron, “I like you, doofus.” 

she kisses him for good measure like she’s reassuring him that she does, in fact, like him. and everything that was frantic and desperate before is now slower. between kisses he admits he’s never had sex before either and she looks delighted. which is a weird reaction to his inexperience but he supposes he’s a little glad that she’s never had sex with anyone before him, too. 

when he finally does join their bodies together, MJ hisses like its a bit of a new and unusual stretch. he watches her face carefully and TRIES HIS HARDEST (again, its hard at seventeen) to not move. she brushes her mouth against his for what feels like her own benefit. he indulges all of the kisses she seems to want. 

and when she’s ready he moves inside her slow. its effortful, the slow pace he’s going, but he manages the best he can. it helps that they’re kissing. because he can focus on that and not how much he wants to just thrust into her body because it all feels so good. 

he doesn’t last long, he supposes that was inevitable, but MJ doesn’t seem to mind. she’s grips his back and tells him its okay. and he cums. 

when he done, he collapses on her and she makes an oof noise. but when he tries to climb off of her she pulls him back down and fits his face in her neck. she strokes his hair and he relaxes. this feeling is better than anything they just did. this, the two of them just breathing together. this is what he wanted more than the sex (tho, he wants more of the sex, too). 

they stay like that for five minutes and then Peter hoists himself up on his elbows and kisses her nose. she rolls her eyes at him but is smiling. “i’m sorry i hurt you,” he whispers. “it was a weird stretch but you didn’t hurt me, Parker. get off your high horse.” 

he laughs and spends the rest of the afternoon trying to make her feel as good as she made him feel. by, you know, going down on her. and he’s not GOOD at it per say but what he lacks in experience he makes up for with enthusiasm. and with MJ’s guidance they work it out together. 

the next day at school Peter and MJ keep shooting each other looks. and Ned notices. and he almost doesn’t want to ask but……….he gives in, “what?” “nothing” they both say. and he nearly drops it but at lunch MJ gets some foam from her coffee on her upper lip and Peter leans over to kiss it away. 

AND ALL HELL BREAKS LOSE BECAUSE WTF YOU GUYS??!??! WHEN THE- WHAT THE- EXPLAIN!!! 

[maiden-of-wolves]

OCs as DA: Inquisition Companions

Name: Naema Tabris

Race / Class / Specialization: Elf / Warrior / Reaver

Gender Identity: Female; she/her

Varric’s Nickname for them: Tiger

Short Bio: As stubborn as her mother Adaia ever was, possibly more so, she’s usually kept in check by her adoptive human sister Idrilla. When not kept in check, she is a bull in a china shop and will often make a mess of any kind of bargain just because she is terribly blunt and legitimately does not consider other people’s feelings beyond her sister’s and anyone she’s currently involved with romantically/sexually. She does honestly enjoy physical fights and makes a point of showing off when she can, especially against humans and against nobles just to remind them that ‘others’ are strong, too.

What would their companion card look like?

<<picture>>

Recruitment Mission: <<TBD>>

Where would they be in Skyhold / Haven? In either place, she’d be at the tavern or the training grounds. Quest 1: <<TBD>>

Quest 2: <<TBD>>

Quest 3: <<TBD>>

How to get their approval:

Be bold and brash, but not stupid or arrogant; Help elves; Help people that are struggling.

How to get their disapproval:

Betray elves; be mean to her sister; help nobles at the detriment of those beneath them

Are they romanceable?

Yes. By females of any race.

Can you have sex with them?

Yes. She’s easy to get in the sack, but hard to keep around. She’ll stick around if you keep pursuing her, though.

Are they open to polyamoury?

Possibly, but she gets jealous easily so you need to be certain to tell her what’s going on before flirting and opening up the relationship to a new partner. She’ll likely make it difficult for the addition until she trusts them. She would be highly unlikely to join an already established relationship aside from a tumble in the sheets.

If they can be romanced and are not will they begin a relationship / relationships with other characters? If so, who?

She would pursue Leliana (she romanced her canonly when she was the Hero of Ferelden). If she wasn’t open to it at all, Naema would change target to Josephine.

Who are they friendly with?

The Iron Bull and her are constantly play sparring and will do arm wrestling matches for fun in the tavern.

She likes Varric and his stories. Despite almost always losing at Wicked Grace, she enjoys the banter and drinking too much to not play.

Naema likes Sera, but only to participate in the pranks. If her sister’s around, she’ll chastise them both for doing so and drag Naema away from Sera.

She respects Cassandra and often requests to spar with her. They maintain a healthy respect for each other, though she does tease her and suggest she should go for women.

Cullen bores her, but she respects his ability to inspire the troops.

She is enamored with Leliana and bothers her as much as she can, spending inordinate amount of time trying to learn about her so she can properly woo her. She’s also legitimately fascinated by the crows that Leliana uses and enjoys feeding them/petting them.

If her attempts with Leliana fail, which they likely will, Naema will turn her attention to the beautiful Josephine. She tries to learn how to help her in diplomacy but ends up being more of her intimidating bodyguard in the process. She often brings her gifts, ranging from noble foodstuffs that were left for the Inquisitor (that they didn’t want) to jewelry and fancy fabrics.

She’ll often try and spar with Blackwall as well, and the two have fun banter between each other and mutual respect. I have a feeling that he might even stumble his way into a confession and she’s just like, “oh. Uh…. yeah…. I don’t like men.” ~cue awkward music~ xD

Who do they dislike?

She doesn’t trust Solas. AT ALL. She knows/can ‘feel’ he’s hiding some shit and doesn’t like it. Plus, he seems to look down at city and Dalish elves, which pisses her off.

She also doesn’t trust Cole at all. Doesn’t like anything about him, even if he helps people. Too much disappearing and weird talking.

She doesn’t like Vivienne because of how stuffy she is.

Knowing what his homeland is known for, Naema doesn’t trust Dorian. They have a bit of a bonding moment over the fact that they shirked their parents wishes to not live a lie, though.

Cole’s reading:

“Grins for a shem… they never saw it coming. Blood fuels a fire. I will not live as less.”

Companion card changes:

Loyalty:

Romance:

Side Mission:

When nearing a hidden item:

“Might wanna look around here a bit.”

When seeing a high dragon:

“Just think of the armor you could forge with its scales! We must bring it down.”

Side quest reaction(s):

Low health:

“Gotta keep… going…!”

“Damned Blighters!”

The Inquisitor falls:

(friendly or romanced) “You can’t—!”

(low or neutral approval) ~growls~ “Get up!”

                                       Greeting(s) / Goodbye(s):

Low approval:

“What?”

“Don’t waste my time.”

Neutral approval:

“Hey.”

“We’ve both got places to be.”

Friendly:

“I guess you need somethin’?”

“See you around, then.”

Romanced:

“Good to see ya, lover.”

“Save me a spot next to you tonight.” ^_-

Opinions on mages / templars / how the world is going to shit?

She doesn’t really trust mages or templars, honestly. The abuses that the templars are now known for are too similar to her own encounters with the Arl’s men to not make her wary. At the same time, she knows little of magic other than it’s extremely powerful. She just want the sky to stop raining demons to make the world safer for herself and her sister.

Something guaranteed to make them leave the party?

If you kill her sister instead of recruiting her or if you betray either of them.

                                         Imprisoned at Redcliffe

How is your OC holding up in Redcliffe, being slowly infected with red lyrium over the course of a year?

<<TBD>>

                                                      The Fade

How they react:

1 part “Nope” to 1 part “What the Fuck?!” and another part “Fuck this.” xD

Constantly looking around being weirded out by how pretty much nothing works like it’s supposed to and that fucks with her head. She checks things when they get out just to make sure they don’t start floating or something.

Their tombstone:

Helplessness

What fears look like:

Black, formless mists

What the Nightmare says:

“Idrilla has the most delicious nightmares, you know. I’ll feed well from her when you’re gone.”

(if romanced) “Swing all you like, Reaver. My power cannot be cut down. It will snake into every corner of your life and drag all you love into the Fade.”

Hawke or Warden:

She doesn’t really care. She just wants out of the Fade ASAP. Minor approval boost for either choice.

The Wardens - Exile or Allies?

Considering all the things they did, she’d rather not have them in Ferelden...but she also knows they’re needed when another blight comes. Minor approval drop for exile, minor approval boost for allies.

                                                     Halamshiral

Where they linger:

By The Iron Bull. She likes to practice people watching with him because he’s a patient teacher.

Are they good at the Game?

No. And she wouldn’t be even if she could learn. Too much double speak for her. Say what you mean or don’t say it at all. Plus, she hates how nobles look down on people outside their insular circlesjust for being ‘other’. Too much like what she experienced as an elf in the Denerim Alienage.

What people say about them:

“Why must that elf hang about the Qunari? It’s bad enough having one of them in regalia!”

“I really must speak to Cullen about that rude elf! They need to punish her for that tongue of hers.”

Gaspard, Briala or Celene?

Briala blackmailing Gaspard. Major approval boost.

Minor approval boost for Gaspard or Briala and Celene together.

Moderate approval drop for Celene alone.

                                                Temple of Mythal

Rituals or Hole?

Hole. No questions. All this ceremony is bullshit and useless. Get in, get this well and get out. Period. Moderate approval drop if you choose to do the rituals.

“What? Why?! We’ve got a shortcut. Take the damned shortcut!”

Agree with the Elves’ bargain?

While she thinks they’re assholes, it seems wrong to kill them when they’re technically intruding on their turf/home. Minor approval boost for agreeing. Moderate approval drop for killing them.

Morrigan or the Inquisitor for the Well?

If they’re not involved, she won’t care either way. If they are involved, she’ll insist on letting Morrigan or destroying the well altogether (Major approval drop if you ignore her, too. She doesn’t want a ‘possessed’ partner. Honestly, there may actually be call for a scene whene they get back to Skyhold of her being very upset and saying she wants to break this off; it’ll take quite a bit to get her to calm down).

                                                   Trespasser:

If romanced, she’ll happily remain with the Inquisitor. Being intimidating bodyguard and saucy bed warmer.

If not, she’ll pursue Josephine and will be by her side as much as the diplomat would want her. She gets that she’s not that helpful in some situations and watches from afar (usually with Varric or The Chargers/The Iron Bull).

[theleftoverurl]

               As is our new routine, when I got out of bed, Kate was in the living room/kitchen to greet me. Because it was a nice day, we went for a stroll down to Coog on the lookout for doggos. There was the fluffiest black poodle outside Barzura but apart from that not much. The tide was quite low yesterday morning, so the baths actually looked quite appealing but we weren’t in the mood for a swim. We went to Coo Pav for a morning coff instead and I had a raspberry friand. Then we walked down to the rocky section of the beach and I got to climb my rock for the first time since I have arrived in Sydney. It’s so peaceful up on my rock, and despite the fact that people are nearby, it feels just isolated enough that you can watch the coastline and the many colours of the ocean, listen to music and reflect.

Then it was back home to chill for a bit. We ate the leftover rice paper rolls that Veronica had made the night before for dinner, and I realized that I had to start prepping for my first time cooking a meal pretty much ever. I have dabbled in baked eggs and other small meals but I have never had the pressure of providing edible and decent quality food to a group of people and I was lowkey feeling it. I was also keen to try prove myself though. After lunch, Kate went to prepare her schedule for her classes and I caught the bus to Coles (Woollies is closer but I can’t be fucked walking with all the groceries, therefore Coles is actually more convenient for being slightly further away) to buy groceries for what I was intending (according to the recipe) to be a Pad Thai but ended up just being a noodle stir fry type of thing.

The first issue I encountered was that Coles doesn’t sell vermicelli. This was a bit of a problem, and so I had to go to the Asian supermarket next door and buy what looked to be rice noodles but I wasn’t really sure. This turned out to be the major snag of my dish, as the noodles kept disintegrating as I was frying them and the noodles + tofu was only $3.80 which should probably have been my first warning sign. Anyway I bought all the ingredients for my prawn pad thai/stir fry and headed home.

Once I was home, even though it was only 2pm, I wanted to start prepping because I was worried about timing for the whole thing. I sliced all of the vegetables, made the sauce (the second problem being there was not enough sauce so I ended up having to make 3 rounds of it as I was frying the noodles) and it all went quite smoothly although it took 1.5h which is definitely too much time to prepare what should have been a simple dinner. Then I tried to do some pre-work for med to kill time till fry-time but I have been slightly demoralized in terms of my medical life because my portfolio was so dismal which has made me worry I’m not really cut out for the degree after all. Don’t worry, I’m sure the feeling will pass because it always does, I just get quite affected by negative feedback haha.

I was disappointed by my timetable, because I guess I just didn’t really think about the consequences of picking a hospital for placement so far from where I live. I start at 7:30am every Tuesday, meaning that I have to be on the bus at like 6am which is ridiculously early and I also have 5h gaps in the middle of my day where I will be stuck in Kogarah and probably the hospital with Kuheli and nothing to do. Maybe it will help my study life and make me work a bit harder/I will be less behind. Who knows? Maybe it will be an opportunity to become really close to my hospital buddies. I kind of hope so but now I really hope they are cool people. Anyway, I suppose only time will tell. I started trying to learn how to analyze chest X-rays from this website linked in Prof. O’Sullivan’s first lecture (see me trying to work ahead) but it was so fucking confusing and I am so bad spatially I really could not for the life of me see the structures being pointed out to me on the website so when Vron came by about to go on a walk I seized my opportunity and tagged along.

We walked down to the Maroubra side of Coogee which for some reason is a place that I have never gone. The ocean was made of beautiful blues and the water was quite rough, so it looked amazing from up on the cliffs. Vron was quite chatty, and I was glad that I got to spend some time with her because I feel like we don’t often spend quality time to chat.

After our walk, I tried to read a bit more of the book I borrowed from Vron. I want to persist at it because it’s by that Japanese-American author who is very renown – Kazuo Ishiguro? Generally I quite like fantasy books but I find the lyrical sort of style of his writing actually quite hard to read. Still eventually I will get through it. Evidently not yesterday because I was so tired from all the walking that I had a 12min nap instead of reading and then my alarm to start cooking woke me up oops.

Lucky Vron was around, because I discovered that we didn’t have cooking oil in the house, so the two of us did a quick walkies down to Woollies to pick up some and also a humongous can of olive oil which will definitely last the flat the whole year. Then I started stir-frying and came across the third major problem with the cooking – the wok/pan I was using was not big enough for the quantity of food I was making so I had to cook all of the components individually and then transfer them into a pot. It actually worked out alright. I found that the noodles did not really soak up the flavor of the sauce, so I reckon that this dish would actually just improve 100% if I had just used less cheap noodles. I just don’t really know what sort to get, but life is a work in progress. Josh was out, but Vron and Kate were super positive about dinner which really helped my spirits and rather small cooking ego. My mum rang and for some reason I didn’t feel like talking to her, so I feel like we didn’t really have a very good quality chat. I stayed on the phone with her purely because I didn’t want to do the dishes lol.

Afterwards there were choc chip biscuits that Vron had made the day before, warmed in the oven and Kate and I had a huge chat – well, Kate read me a huge chat that she’d had the night before with Claudia because she’s worried that Linley’s mad at her. Josh came back and we filled him in a bit on the drama which was funny because he’s so distant from this friendship group and all of the people involved. Listening to the texts just made me love Clauds more because I honestly think out of all the people from the Floor 7 group last year, she is the only one that will end up being my friend – the rest are more Kate’s friends. She’s just one of those good-hearted, normal people and I’m glad for that. I also just don’t understand why if Linley is such a difficult friend because she’s possessive over Max (just boys she fancies in general) and has mood swings and is petty and requires fairly consistent attention people like Kate are still so keen to be her friend. I suppose that she’s very fun when things are working out and she wants to be and that must be enough to make up for all the hang-ups but personally I guess because she isn’t all that interested in me so I haven’t really experienced that fun side I don’t see how that can possibly make up for it.

Then Kate and I forced ourselves to eat a whole mango each because we bought them before and had not even begun to eat them and they really weren’t going to last in the fridge much longer. For some reason the absurdity of eating an entire mango gave me the giggles – maybe it was a sugar high and then I felt bloated and sick so we lay on the couch and watched this ridiculous show called 100% Hot or something. It was like an MTV show where they picked people who dressed badly and unconventionally, got people to rate them terribly, then made them over. It was quite bad because I thought that the people running the show were actually quite mean to the girls they were making over, and I didn’t even think the person in charge of dressing them was any good. We watched the whole show anyway despite noting its trashiness because there wasn’t much else on/to do and we wanted to see what the people looked like after the makeovers. In bed by 11pm, and I had such a good sleep-in till 9am today and then lazing around in bed all morning.

Today Kate’s out visiting Linley (to sort out their friendship problems lowkey, and I’m a bad person for being snide that this show of attention will fix things) and then she’s seeing friends for lunch and dinner so I’ve pretty much got the whole day to myself to kill. For dinner I’m going to this fried chicken place in Barangaroo with Wilson, Will, one of their friends from Ruse (I think) called Eric and potentially Bruce. I hope it goes okay and is a nice night. What to do with myself now though? Maybe I’ll visit my rock. Maybe I’ll even write another entry tomorrow and you will find out, poor Tumblr account stuck with my words. Till the next time.

[survivorjordanpines]

Episode 2: It's All a Learning Experience Folks. - Andreas

[2017-11-17, 11:17:07 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): oh god puzzles [2017-11-17, 11:17:09 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): im triggered [2017-11-17, 11:19:11 PM] Rafael Hernandez: I'm going to Kermit [2017-11-17, 11:19:19 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): i am honestly awful at puzzles so if everyone else is around and can do them, i don’t mind sitting out Jaiden volunteers to sit out. Me, an intellectual, knows what I need to do now. [2017-11-17, 11:34:11 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): if someone on the tribe doesn’t submit [2017-11-17, 11:34:18 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): they don’t qualify for the worst time gets immunity if we lose [2017-11-17, 11:34:19 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): yes? [2017-11-17, 11:34:23 PM] Jordan Pines: correct [2017-11-17, 11:34:26 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): k cool [2017-11-17, 11:34:29 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): that immunity is mine [2017-11-17, 11:34:32 PM] Jordan Pines: you need to submit a completed puzzle to be eligible [2017-11-17, 11:34:35 PM] Jordan Pines: so you throwing the challenge? [2017-11-17, 11:34:42 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): i don’t know, am i? [2017-11-17, 11:34:45 PM] Jordan Pines: hahaha [2017-11-17, 11:34:47 PM] Jordan Pines: classic charlotte [2017-11-17, 11:34:51 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): ;) [2017-11-17, 11:35:04 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): i didn’t make sure my entire tribe knew i was bad at puzzles [2017-11-17, 11:35:05 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): on purpose [2017-11-17, 11:35:08 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): that wasn’t me I mean, I AM bad at puzzles, this is true, but am I going to be a little extra bad just in case we lose? Absolutely. I would love to be safe going into the next round.. I don't care about going to the Jordan Pond. Let's be honest, I wasn't going to have the best puzzle time anyway lmao HOW CUTE.  

I wonder if nick convinced maybe Allison to flip but not Amanda as he claimed they both would flip one lied one thought he had the votes. Plus drew's voting confession i think the last one was, was on point why i never took him up on that offer. It's week 1 i can't risk my spot for you this time sorry every game is different but my alliance is Madison.

alright alright alright hot damn this game is fifty times better than i expected! soooooo, it's time for a quick rundown: https://image.prntscr.com/image/fkjkBD9RQJikMqASaB5frw.png a 30 person season? not loving that concept. redemption island? not loving that one either. my tribe? i can get down with that for now. i'm feeling very blessed to be on a tribe with icons such as ryan, jessica, and matt summers - well, not anymore, but still. he will always be in our hearts. i've also had some real cute chats with ruthie, andreas, and cole, so i'm love them so far. and that's like 2/3 of the tribe, huh? the other ones - pippa, emma, casey - are all lovely and nice but we haven't really had much to say to one another so far. okay, actually i take that back for casey; we had a good talk the other day about jobs and stuff. only for 30 minutes, but still. i'm a fan of her. so things are lookin pretty good in that regard. my strategy so far? honestly, just sitting back and seeing where this game takes me. it's a foreign concept to me for sure - in all my other games, i always thought of the beginning few days as the most important part, and i'd probably be checking in with everyone every five hours and trying to make 7 core alliances right now. but frankly i just do not have the time or energy for that shit right now. i'm not young anymore. and i gotta say i don't hate it. especially because it seems like that's sort of the case for all of us here; we old-timers have real jobs and real responsibilities and we can't be bothered to be online 25/7, and that's OKAY! promote positive media relationships tm! anyways i have zero alliances right now and that's just fine with me, i'm sure this isn't the case for everyone and there could even be a massive conspiracy going on in this tribe that i have no awareness of but y'know what, nobody is perfect and this is just gonna be how it is for me right now. alright enough of me talking about how ancient i am. who's ready for a TWISTOS TWIST? i sure am cos apparently (through some randomized magic that i still do not completely comprehend) ya boi has a RUBY IDOL! damn!! now i will say that i definitely had not even heard of this thing before now and i don't know exactly how one is supposed to use it but an idol is an idol and this one looks sneaky sneaky so i'm into it! i am certainly not telling anyone about this no ma'am because what's the fun in that? :~~())) and that's really all i've got for you today folks, i ate five pounds of potatoes today and i need a nap so stay tuned for whatever adventures fall upon my head next episode! xoxo stay gold ponyboys

I actually despise this puzzle. However, I feel like I will be safeguarded if we do go to tribal by my alliance. Hopefully, however, we do not have to and continue dominating the game.

Nick was voted out and Idk who that was. Its very clear the icons are vote out matt summers just so he can kill everyone in redemption but like it was so obvious. The twist is interesting bc I could just throw this damn puzzle challenge and be safe for a round but at the same time I love this tribe and I dont want us to lose

Oop, got some new information Apparently, L.A. And Charlotte are friends in real life. I don’t plan on using this yet, but if I’m ever in trouble, I can use it throw them under the bus. Let’s look at the evidence .... -both from New Brunswick -Hosting a season together -LA knew the name of Charlotte’s moms cat

I've decided I want to throw immunity tonight. To put it this way, I want to give myself the opportunity to go to this mythical isle of Pines in order to potentially find an idol. Although Redemption Island is here and there's really no point in idoling someone out to send them to Redemption Island, I want to do something crazy and messy at least once this season so ya. I've been letting the puzzle time go on by as I sit here and wait for the challenge to be *just* about due, and then I'll submit something really terrible. Hopefully we lose and hopefully I'm the worst out of my tribe, then I can go searching and have myself a grand ol' time! I don't know when I'll get this opportunity later so may as well take the chance while I have it. As far as gameplay goes so far, I've tried to be as under the radar as possible. I didn't say much during the first couple challenges because I want people to just forget that I'm even here. I got into an alliance put together by Kage and I'm going to just continue to skim their messages and wait for someone to approach me. I don't normally play super passively like this, but I just need to remain in a good spot with that alliance so I can get through the premerge (for once). 

Jaiden honestly we get it like you dont feel safe but chill a bit you couldve thrown it less obviously. BUT WE STILL WON HAHAHAHAHA I think its interesting that Nick won Redemption and I cant wait to see who the fuck goes next

Ok so I think I forgot to do this last episode oops. I think I am in a good position on my tribe. Right now I have an "Old School" alliance of me Jess Casey and Cole. I do like this group a lot but I know Casey does not care about real life friendships in games, which is fine I would not be upset if she turned on me, it just means in the game I am not going to trust her that much. But I also have Emma and Ari who I trust and like a lot. Then there is Andreas, the last game we played together was a disaster since we were so actively against each other. Ruthie is a cutie but I don't really know her all that well. And Pippa is just..well my daughter who I apparently don't work with ever. Right now my goal is to get Pippa out. It seems like the easier vote, but I would like Andreas/Ruthie out earlier than later in this game. I know they both have lots of friends that are not me or my friends which makes them threats in my opinion. Cole is great by the way and I love him.

I'm really glad it seems like we already have a name of someone to vote out. I'm going out tonight and I'm just semi stressed that things are going to change and it'll be me though, AHH. 

I don't know if I confessed about this so fuck it. I am glad that Kage is going to the isle of pines. I would like to consider him my number 1 ally in this game so far. The "Icons Only" alliance seems to be strong enough to survive one or two votes, but it will definitely get messy as our numbers dwindle. Thankfully, that has not happened yet since we won immunity. I know Jaiden got the worst score to go to the isle of pines but like he didn't need to lose that hard. We won but if we lost because of Jaiden's antics I would have been pissed. I am keeping an eye on him just in case things go awry. In my eyes, he is at the bottom of the totem pole including Gage. However, I like Gage more and I want to keep him close so that we can go against Charlotte and LA if the time comes.

At tribal council last round, Matt went 10-0, which was expected. He hadn't been online, and no one wanted an inactive. Then he also didn't submit for Redemption Island, so he became the first boot of our season. I think Matt going was an easy vote and allowed those of us on our tribe an opportunity to mingle and socialize more. Meanwhile, during the past tribal, Pippa's name was also thrown out because she hasn't really been online at all, and was barely active. I hoped that with the second chance she was given that she would socialize more as she is someone I would like to see deep in this game - but it looks like might not happen. For the immunity challenge, we had to do a god AWFUL puzzle which made me not like looking at Jordan Pines' face. I know - terrible!!!! So, I got the second best time on my tribe, and 4th(?) best overall which I was kind of surprised about. I expected some really good times and tried to have a mediocre time but I came out on top. So, despite Ryan and I being 2 of the best times, we still lost. Then Pines introduced the Isles of Pines, and Cole, who had the worst time, got sent there and was immune from the vote. I think had he not been safe his name may have been suggested. Thinking back, aligning with him might not have been my best bet as I don't see him as someone people want to take further. Especially if he's shit at challenges . But he shall tell me what was there, which is good. So following this, Emma messaged me stating she is worried, as she did not do the challenge that she may be in danger. I assured her she would be fine, and went talking to Ryan and Jessica trying to get Pippa's name back on the chopping block. They both seemed to agree that it made the most sense, and now, with 7 hours left until votes are due Pippa has yet to make an appearance. Unless something sketchy happens, she should be on redemption soon. Emma and I were celebrating that we are probably safe again and then she suggested we make a Her/Me/Ryan/Aru/Jessica/Ruthie alliance which I think would be good. We're the stongest 6 on our tribe if we wanna move forward and I haven't had a solid alliance in recent seasons which I think fucked me over. So we each took 2 names and decided to chat with them. I had Ari and Jess. Ari agreed right away that we should do that alliance and Jess hasn't been online to chat with about it. The tribe is very quiet and I think it's because we all have lives to lead. Plus we just went to tribal with 10 and now there's gonna be 8 of us and it's a huge jump. One last thing, the puzzle thing showed who's better then puzzles at me. And while I did get a time of 18 mins my first time, that was still better then a majority of people. You know when else there was a challenge ? The secret power thing. And if Kage and Drew and Ryan were faster then me, then its safe to assume one of them has it. BUT, Ryan was talking during the time that post went up the first night so he doesn't have it. It's either Kage or Drew then. We shall see what it is. But I know that i'm not gonna go around advertising theirs a hidden power. Did that in Great Lakes and it caused a lot more trouble then it should have. It's all a learning experience folks.

Yay! We won immunity again! Even better I won reward! At camp, I’m working on my personal relationships, specifically with Regan, David, Gage, and Rafael. I hope that by befriending them that they will be more sympathetic in my time of need. Tisk tisk tisk Jaiden, he tried put his own personal desires ahead of the tribe. He tried to get the worst time so if we lost, he’d go the Isles Of The Pines. Jokes on him, I got it. Oh well, at least this just builds my case for whenever I want to get out Jaiden. At Isles Of The Pines I got stuck with Chrissa and Cole. Gross. The only dirt I got from them was from Chrissa saying Liam is probably going home tonight. So not much. I searched and to my luck, found a clue to the idol.... “Along the Southern Path you be, You find a nice and climbable tree. It holds 4 holes for which you see, in one of them is where powers be.“ The clue is still there so someone else could find it. I’m going to go back to my tribe and tell my alliance (Me, Rafael, Jaiden, LA, Charlotte, Gage) that I searched there and found nothing. Let’s just hope they don’t double check that. I’m feeling really good right now as we’re on winning streak, and I’ll hopefully get the idol soon. I have cases on why we should get rid of Regan, Jaiden, and Karen if I ever need them. So right now I’m pretty much the King of the game, to that I say, Long Live The King

Whew I'm really nervous about tonight! Not because I think I'm up for the chopping block, but because I have No Fucking Clue if I'll be there for tribal. Thanks a lot for cooking my pressure, CHARLOTTE (jk love ya) The vote, afaik, is for Allison, and tbh I'm kinda fine with that? Like, I've never personally been a huge fan of her, and she does start to get annoying to be around after a lil while. So if she goes, I'm cool with it tbh.

So we lost again. Sucks. Did the puzzle once and did better then half my tribe. Fucking Cole got 100 mins. Probs in putpose can’t work with that long term we could have fucking won. Anyway pippa is quiet and needs to go

My names Pippa and i hate playing games with RTP bc he sucks butt Jess: Ryan said he’d never vote out Emma Ryan: it’s because you came in late that no one wants to vote with you Me: die Ryan, you little turd

Pippa came to me about an hour before tribal and wanted to vote Emma out. She said to me that she had the number in a ari, Jessica and ryan however none of them really want to send Emma home - including myself. It sucks we're lying to her, but she should've started playing more earlier. Tribal is in literally 3 minutes and she's probably still scheming 

Tag yourself im emma and her crew 

[spacemomalex]

So... Sera being unpopular is sexist, but you admitted you don't like her either... so are you calling yourself a sexist then?

Alrighty I hope you’re sitting down because boy howdy do I have a rant for you!

Why I dislike Sera as a person, not a character

As a writer (like many on here) I have an interesting relationship when it comes to my feelings for a story, it’s characters, and my own morality. That means, I am perfectly capable of being incredibly approving of, fascinated by, or even adore a character who’s morality is very different from my own.

This is very true for Sera. As a character, Sera is a complex thought provoking creature. 

As an elf, one would expect her to have an understanding of why racism against elves is such a terrible thing, but she doesn’t. Instead of caring about elves and the struggles they face, she ignores and dismisses them as simply being “too elfy”. Which is a throw back to the people in our world today who are the ones effected by racism, but deny that it exists for “points” with their oppressors/to avoid being oppressed/don’t want to admit how oppression affects them.

She of course brings to our attention racial stereotypes, (her conversation about how most elves can’t actually shoot a bow), but again doesn’t seem to realize that those stereotypes can be harmful to other elves. (Say, an elf who can’t shoot worth a damn is brought along and given a bow and told to fight. Despite their protests that they can’t shoot one, they are dismissed and as a result people get hurt and killed and the elf is blamed for not helping. Even though they made it clear that they could not shoot, the fact that the stereotype was so reinforced in everyone else’s mind, they ignored that fact and it would be their fault people were hurt. Not the fault of the elf who couldn’t shoot in the first place and tried to prevent this from happening.) 

This applies to when talking about the Dalish. Sera constantly refuses to understand them or their ways, or why city elves try to follow the old customs. Writing them off as simply ‘old’ and therefore not worth her time to learn or apply to her own life. She simply refuses to see how human oppression of elves truly affects elves and firmly believes that the only problem is the nobility and pride.

Even when supplied with firm proof that the elves have every reason to be “elfy”- as shown with the scroll about Red Crossing and the temple of mythal- she is steadfast in her denial of elven culture.

This makes her fascinating. It makes her a commentary that we should look into and ponder over our own actions and thought processes regarding race and oppression. I love her as a character because we get to see this young girl, hurt by a parental figure be allowed to grow into a young woman who still feels the affects of that. We get to see this young woman who is not shamed for her past and allowed to make mistakes because of it.

As a person though? Sera is a willfully ignorant prideful little shit who doesn’t want to admit that things are more complex than what she wants to believe. Why? Because she doesn’t want to admit she was ever wrong. I can understand why she feels this way, having been raised by an abusive human, but I was also raised by abusive racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic assholes and I will always fight for the rights of the oppressed groups these things hurt. Because I know better about how my privileges and the parts of me people are trying to oppress. Sera never learns how to be a better person and understand her own race better.

This mindset is one in the world today that we are all watching destroy our freedoms. I dislike Sera as a person because she is the exact kind of close-minded person that allows racism and other oppression to roam free, and at times even contribute to it, that I try to fight against. 

Why Sera is Horrible LGBTA+ Representation

As I said on the confessions, Sera should not be considered good representation of a lesbian relationship. Why? Because she’s childish and manipulative and close minded.

That really should be enough, but let me go into explicit detail.

On the childishness of Sera, let’s talk about her prank pulling. I will say this, her prank pulling and hatred of the extreme magical bullshit going on was refreshing. It was so nice to see a character who was just an every day person getting caught up in things far beyond the natural world. Even more nice to see a gut busting girl who didn’t care what others thought of her and was solely herself and enjoyed bringing stuffy folk down to a more human level. The problem with this however? It plays into her utter denial of the elven gods and culture and to things outside of the “norm”- such as Cole. It plays into her prank pulling actually being cruel at times because of her lack of awareness for the suffering of others.

When she spoke to Cole, she referred to him as a ‘thing’. She never considered the possibility that someone so different from herself deserves recognition as a person- and that’s a shitty fucking thing to do. Cole may not have started out human, but he tried so hard to be kind and to help others, she, as somebody who was not normal herself and had faced dehumanizing treatment, should have known better. After Cole had proven time and time again that he did not deserve the awful treatment, she never changed from that hateful dismissing stance about him. (not that I saw anyway) 

(Note; I also realize that Vivienne and Blackwall were not the nicest to Cole either, but I could write a ten page book on why Vivienne is a boss anyway because, at least, she avoided Cole and had some fucking class. Blackwall I just despise in general and I will always hate that creep)

When she pulled her pranks, she never considered the potential harm they could do. For example, making Cullen’s desk wobble? Amusing, definitely, had Cullen been a normal man. But Cullen is a recovering drug addict and a survivor of some rather extreme trauma, it’s obvious he suffers from severe PTSD. I’m positive that any “controlling” behavior he had towards his own personal desk space did stem from a need to control his surroundings after the terrible events he suffered. Her making the desk wobble could potentially cause a minor break for Cullen if it was a bad day for him. But she doesn’t take that into consideration, she only blows off Cullen as “too uptight” without seeming to understand. Like, there’s plenty of pranks you can pull on somebody that won’t have a negative effect on them. And what about the water bucket on Josie? Granted meeting with nobles is boring and annoying, but the Inquisition NEEDED their support. The Inquisition needed important allies so that they wouldn’t be attacked or turned against. She could have turned away potential allies just because she wanted to humiliate Josie. And Josie didn’t even deserve that! Josie (and Cullen!) worked so hard to keep the Inquisition from going under so that they could save the world. I didn’t see Sera consider these consequences and that bothers me to no end. Pranks are fun, but there is a time and place for the, and a way to do them. Sera didn’t do any of that. (She also put lizards in Solas bedroll- what if one bit him and it was poisonous? Would she have cared?)

And! She doesn’t take her relationship with the Inquisitor seriously at all at first! She writes off the Inquisitor’s interest and says she only wants fun. Somebody who’s only looking for a fling and basically says they do not want to have a relationship with you is not somebody who is ready for a relationship. Especially since later she basically tells the Inquisitor that they do have a relationship and that the Inquisitor can either choose to keep Sera by saying her entire culture is a lie, or lose Sera. What a terrible thing to ask somebody to do. 

If someone who was barely a christian demanded that I give up my gods just because they didn’t believe in them, I would tell them to take a fucking hike off a cliff. A god you don’t even really believe is not more important than the gods I have devoted myself to. What you want and you believe should not matter more than what I want and believe. If you cannot respect my beliefs, then I have no respect for you and you clearly do not love me enough if you cannot respect my love for them. And, if you ask me to give up my gods for you, then what else will you ask of me? What else will I have to lose to satisfy you? This is the logic I apply to any and all relationships.

Again, while this makes for an interesting story and dynamic between the inquisitor and Sera- what does love mean between the two of them. In my rather hefty experience in the dating world, it sets up a platform for abuse and manipulation.

So let’s review; Sera doesn’t consider the consequences of her actions in relation to the thoughts, feelings, and needs of those she says she loves. Is that somebody we really want representing lesbians? As a (genderfluid/demi) girl who wants a relationship with a woman, Sera is not someone I want people to look at and think ‘oh, so that’s what women who like women are like’.

Especially when compared to literally ANY of the other women available for a lesbian romance. Or are they simple not up for considering because they’re bi in many cases? Are bi women who love women somehow less important to you? Think on that before you consider Sera as a good representation of a gay relationship please and thank you.

Character Critique VS Sexism

And now onto the main point you are so backwardly trying to be clever about.

When it comes right down to it, you can dislike a female character without it being sexist. For example, I dislike Sera, as a person, because, again, I find her childish, arrogant, and borderline abusive.

The reason such characters like Sera are generally unpopular does have a lot to do with sexism I will not deny that. And it has to do with having so few genuinely interesting female characters, that many will take whatever they can get. But not enough of them will. Many are still stuck in how wonderful and amazing the male characters are, that many females characters fall to the wayside. Sera is no exception. Because she is not an attractive male that they can ship with another attractive male, Sera is simply not going to have as many supporters as say, Dorian (whom I have an entire rant on why he’s good gay representation, but also cliched). That means they are going to be more critical of her flaws and failings, without taking into account why she is such a good character because sexism in the offline reality is so critical of women in the first place.

Sweeping statements of Sera being annoying “like all women” or writing her off as only childish without understanding her own problems with accepting herself because of her foster mother’s abuse, is sexist. I am capable of feeling sorry for Sera and wanting the best for her, while also understanding that she is not the only representation of all lesbians. Not everyone is capable of doing that yet. People, especially men, brain washed women, and younger folk, simply do not have the tools at their disposal (nor want them) to understand that Sera is simply one kind of woman and should be thought about more deeply.

And that doesn’t take into account how Sera is not a dynamic character. She just barely changes throughout the story line. She (along with others, and I have some major words to share with Bioware about the lack of character growth in their stories) remains the same childish, mildly manipulative, arrogant, brain washed racist and does learn any lessons from her time with the Inquisition. Her character, and her story line, I chalk up to male writers just, being honestly not very good writing female characters in general. She could have been an amazing character, a really amazing person, but all in all I feel she just falls flat on the things that truly matter to me as a person.

I could go on, but I would be repeating myself on this particular section.

So, TLDR; Your reach is not clever. If you had bothered to actually read my post you would have seen that I brought up legitimate points of criticism of Sera’s character- such as her deep set racism born of self loathing and brain washing, her manipulative and childish behavior and her lack of change through the story line. I’m not impressed by your salty attempt to make me look bad because you don’t like what I had to say about Sera.

[survivor-marianas-trench]

“How Am I Supposed To Sit On My Fat *ss And Do Nothing If There’s No Tribal Immunity?” - EPISODE 1

i wont say names bc if these get released at the end i know the psycho wont leave me alone but theres a certain someone that never leaves another certain someone alone and theyre actually so annoying and they look like a balding foot and if i have to be in the same tribe with them i will definitely end up fighting them

so...cole walking on day 1? because he didn't want to be in a game with Julia wow. I am shook to the core. 

1st off why are there 30 people here! 2nd off why are we all in a chat together! And 3rdly at least someone already took themselves out of the game. I didn't get last!!! I know setting the bar high. I'm very excited to play everyone is super nice and also I think my tribe is great. I got Sam and Liana on my tribe whom I played with during Atlantis. Sam and I were in an alliance but obviously it wasn't super tight...since I voted her off. But I love her dearly and hope we can work together again. Also excited for Liana because I always remember that she was good in challenges and she has already told me she won't want to throw any challenges this time. Haha. I already appreciate her so much. She is so sweet! Carson k is also on my tribe. Carson k is also a sweetheart and I'm sad that I didn't trust him much during Malibu and I hope that it can change here. Hopefully there is a survivor trivia challenge because he is so good with survivor trivia. Everyone else on the tribe seems really cool too as we aren't involved in the drama of the one world chat. Haha we have all of our members still and we are ready to win some challenges! #YouWishYouWereATasi also. Kait is here!!!! Omggggg I'm not ready. She messaged me last night and I was like oh god how do I talk to kait????? Like ugh ahhhh scared. No. Nothing against kait she just scares me! And I feel like she can tell....*gulp* but billy is also here and I love billy too. And Luke!!! Honestly so many amazing people who hopefully won't vote me off. Everyone in the community has been so supportive of me and has really helped relive some of the anxiety I've been having. But queen kait is here so I don't know how long it will last. 

what the fuck am i doing i don't even know if im making a confessional for the right game....like i'm in a 3 survivor games and  a big brother game and i've never wanted to kill myself more i was talkin with kait and i was like "omg i love karen!!" and KAREN ISN'T EVEN ON OUR FUCKING TRIBE. SHE'S DEADASS IN ANOTHER GAME. omg and this ninjohn bitch cracks me tf up so yeah thats about all i've done bye

tbh! what is going on in this game!!! The only people that I know and want to work with are Sam G, Dan, Amanda, Billy and Christine tbqh! I don't know anybody on my tribe except Billy so we're gonna be a cute duo. I think the twist is kind of fun, it's gonna make people need to be on their toes 24/7 and not get too comfortable hiding behind tribal wins because they just don't exist. Uh first boot from my tribe? Idk,...maybe me> maybe chrisssa? who knows!

On 3/6/17, at 9:54 PM, veronica [ hoenn host ] wrote: > how am i supposed to sit on my fat ass and do nothing like nicholas did if theres no tribe immunity >.> but also i really like the cast in this game and i know its gonna be lit this is like one of my fave survivors already and im in like 4 rn

set my soul on fire pls

YES MA'AM! This is Kelsey Mikaelson, representing BBCAN and Vampire Diaries, checking into Mariana Trench Survivor, is you good? Is you happy? Because I's wants to know, ok. Entering this competition was a quick shock. The tribe I was on is very friendly and we all got along quick and I'm living, I seem to get along well. Obviously, I'm the loud one, but I think that overall, I'm not too much which is good! You know what is too much though? Literally both other tribes OTHER than Tasi. Seeing how crazy they are during the One World makes us seem a lot more mellow which makes me seem a lot more quiet which is absolutely a great factor for my game.  Anyways, next twist: triple elimination each week. Girl...I came here for a fresh new game that would be welcoming to newbies. This is literally death. I'm literally dead. *sigh*...Whatever. There are people in my tribe I've clicked with early on. Carson, Liana, Sam, Shea and Seamus have all been rather nice to me. However, one person that I have definitely gotten along with thus far is Lilly. She's so explosive and she's also so logical in everything she tells me, she's a great counterpart to me in this competition. I would say I trust Lilly the most, yes, I would. And going into this first tribal, I'm interested to see how our relationship will translate into gameplay. Hopefully, in a positive way~! Now to the challenge...I want to remain a team player, an innocent virgin, an airhead with  nothing but loyalty with everyone. I don't want to manipulate, I want to slay. So, I'm going to put a rather safe score for myself. As long as I'm not on the bottom end of the powers, I'm fine. I just hope that this first tribal doesn't eat me alive...against my gut instinct, I'm not bringing strategy up for these first days. I just hope that people actually come to me like I'm expecting...otherwise, I gotta start making them moves, mama! Wish me the best of luck! From Canada with Love, -The ORIGINAL...Kelsey Mikaelson, muah!

I'm so nervous. I feel like knowing that you're going to tribal no matter what makes this all more nerve wracking. I'm trying to feel out who people want to go and what they want to do without making anyone feel like I'm jumping the gun or being too forward. Plus I think Darian is probably gunning for me, since I know he doesn't like me. I really don't wanna be first to go, but I feel like it's too risky to just immediately go after him. I'm hoping someone is inactive or will give us a reason to vote them out so that this first one is an easy one. 

http://youtu.be/PTJUoasIy_Y

...moments later

If i learned anything from Rakiura, it's that I need to make a list or something of peoples' point values and possible advantages since people will forget about them come merge and then the person with all the advantages will win the season. :)

I'll call them out!

https://youtu.be/gK_YU4BaKyc

WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN MY TRIBE 

So like this is a weird position to be in. I like everyone on my tribe????? Like how the fuck am I supposed to vote one of these hoes out when I like them? I'm clearly the prettiest, but like I love them all. This is a tragedy because if it was a normal damn game, I would be able to slay with my tribe. My plan so far is to just be super social and find the majority. I don't know how to play one world because usually the world revolves around me so. 

So this season hasn't been that exciting at all so far for our tribe due to Cole's, not surprising, quit. I want to try harder than the last few skype/Tumblr games I've played since I definitely was inactive in the last few. I'm trying to socialize and need to expand my social surroundings since I haven't approached many yet. I have been talking to Luke however but he's terrible at responding. I don't mind if you're busy and can't respond quickly but when you message in the main chat and have the online symbol by your name you might want to respond back to a tribemate. That doesn't bode well for track records. 

Things are weird. What do I do. Who do I talk to. Where am I. Okay now that I've gotten that off my chest I just tribes are weird. We aren't even really a tribe. I know we will have to just keep voting people off of our tribe. So what do we do? I have no leads. Except I kinda want a girls alliance so I would prefer a guy out this week just to play it safe. I feel like I could talk to Liana and Sam about this but also nervous. Idk. I'll do something soon but this is a lot to process. I also hope that not too many voting things will affect tribal. I'm not ready for it. That is all. Good day. 

Hello!!! Alright so this first week has just been....a mess. Like, y'all really put me in a group with 30 people...with one world in play...I'm gonna go insane. Although it's not entirely a bad thing. I have my Queens Kait and Jenn to keep me sane. I had Cole......for like 2 hours until he left WHICH I'M STILL BITTER ABOUT. I love him so much it's not even funny. Anyways for the people on my tribe, I absolutely adore Dan so I can definitely see us working together. Sam G. is here as well and WHEW. A Queen. I love her so much. If I had a dream alliance within this tribe it'd probably be Dan, Sam, Kelsey, Lily, Carson and myself. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to Seamus or Liana and trying to start a conversation with Shea is a bit like pulling teeth so far so...yeah, that's how things are looking right about now I'm so scared for this tribal cause I don't know what to expect??? Like I probably should've just went all in for immunity but I didn't cause I didn't wanna go overboard...so much for that huh. Wish me luck for now I guess!

...30 minutes later...

I'm screaming apparently Shea's already brought my name up to people but suddenly changed it to Carson when I started talking to them??? Something smells fishy here and I'm not here for it. I've got my eye on Shea, that's for sure. In all honesty I'd rather target Shea than Carson cause Carson's actually chill while Shea's probably gonna get a little messy along the way which makes me nervous but Dan trusts him for now so I guess I just gotta go with the flow for now...

Hi Ricky! Super excited to be safe this round, just gotta sit here and look cute!

the furrys are on the prowl, yiff yiff. there are quite a few furrys in this game lmao. so basically on my tribe i really like veronica and am teaming with her. shea really likes me and veronica so we r gonna try and work with them. i think i want to vote for sam this round bc like i like everyone else and the noobs in our tribe seem kinda easy to push around so im excited!

My tribe is so BORINGGGGG tbh no one talks in the chat anyways here's an analysis i promised Ricky <3 When something more happens youll get more out of me but literally nothings going on OH I HAVE AN ALLIANCE WITH DAN AND LUKE BUT YOU BUT US ALL ON DIFFERENT TRIBES WHICH IS GROSS The end. heres my analysis of my tribe woo Andie - Love him we've been friends for a while and he wants to work together so thats cute af Daisy - Super nice we've talked quite a bit so far. I like her Darian - He seems super nice to me and we talked a bit but ive heard he's a shitshow and ive been warned so i know to tread lightly Emma - I'm not gonna like when i saw Emma was on my tribe I was about to beat someones ass because I felt like she hated my guts last time i was around her and it was a rough experience but she like came to me and apologized and shit saying she was having a rough time and idk if that was just to cover her ass for this game or what but im gonna forgive but not forget at this point...or at least until swap/merge lmao Kait - i fucking love Kait she's super straight to the point which is great when everyone else sugar coats the hell out of everything. We seem to work well in PI so here's to hoping it works out this time and we can be a dynamic duo lolol Rhea - Last Week in another game she said she didnt like playing with me and my friends...im not really with my close friends in this game so idk if itll be different but like we've played together a ton and i dont think we ever worked together. She's the nicest person in the world but we like never click together so i wouldnt be surprised if she wanted my ass gone Rob - I dont think we've talked? oops lmfao Sam R. - Hes so chill. We played Myanmar together and we worked together while also targeting eachother? it was so fucking complicated ahahaha but i love him as a person so i hope we're okay in this game??? idk yet tbh Steven - We've talked a bit in the past. He's chill but we arent super close. I dont think he'd target me though so thats a plus

Wooo! I guess taking -10,030 points was worth it! I won immunity from the raffle and I also have the 30% advantage! Couldn't be more happy about the outcome of this challenge. I honeslty don't know who to vote for and I sure as hell won't be scrambling. I know it's not me and that's all I care about 

i am gad we were safe week 1 thanks to Cole quitting again it's insane that he did that but i am glad it gave us safety this week. I hope i can stay longer because immunity wins aren't relying on everyone to win together so if i am bad they won't think i am a threat..

well! tasi WAS peaceful, until little shea decided to target me ONCE again in a game. id like to see him try, because i am NOT going premerge. and, if i have anything to say about it, his ass is GRASS!

So, everyone this tribal has said they are voting Carson, which I have no problems with. I feel like the blame is being put on me for this vote which I don't want. If people flip and I go home, so be it. 

Daisy seems to be the first target and I don't want her to leave. I'm going to see if we can get the votes back on Amanda.

.

http://prntscr.com/ehnjlj

So, tonight is making me super nervous and I don't know what to do.... I feel like this twist fucks me and that's not good. I have played sooo many PI seasons that  I feel like I am an easy target. Also this one world twist is legit making this game THAT much harder and I honestly don't like this shit. I don't know what the fuck I am going to do, and it sucks  so much. I feel like I am a mess and it sucks more so than anything. I just want to make it past this tribal, and I am not sure that I willl. 

Whew I need to write a confessional but also I'm watching Survivor! I am really nervous for this vote! Everyone has been so quiet and I haven't talked to that many people. The plan is supposed to be for Carson. Lily, Liana, Dan, Christine, and I were supposed to create an alliance but we haven't. I'm hoping we will later and no one is actually trying to vote me out. Seamus did say  'Christine or Sam' but he meant Carson? Okay sure hopefully he did! 

Sooo, this has been a wild round, and im not even gonna get into the cole thing other than to say, I'm glad you and your negative bitch ass is gone, and maybe come for me with more accurate shit next time :))). But since this "lovely" soul quit, I didn't have to go to tribal, and I also beat him AHAHAH. BUT I've been chit-chatting with Gabriel alot and I love Gabriel they are soooo chill tbh. And I also am kinda lucky since I know so many people know this season whew. Okay bye