#she tried to call of monday because she didnt feel good last minute and no one would cover

[duskythesomething]

love when my grown ass woman of a coworker begs for people to take her shifts all the time :/

[thelov3lybookworm]

Mine? (Part 6)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Summary: Panic filled tears and comforting embraces

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Word Count: 1420

A/n: hehe hope yall have fun. i didnt post this part earlier because i was waiting for someone to comment and ask me to post this part lol so when i got an ask about it yesterday i was like. mm yeah im posting this today.

(the next part is almost done so... if someone comments i might just pot it on monday 🤭)

anyways, enjoy!🤭😏

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It had been mere hours since Y/n had arrived home. It was close to midnight when Y/n put Adelaide in her crib before making herself a cup of chamomile tea.

Y/n knew sleep was nowhere near her eyes because of the way her mind kept going back to Grayson and his words.

Did he really mean that? And if he did, was she making a mistake not believing him?

Did the fact that he hurt her matter more than her daughter’s happiness?

Y/n knew these thoughts were going to keep her up at night. She was not going to get even a wink of sleep, hence the chamomile tea. She’d found that out of all the things that were good for sleep, chamomile worked the best for her.

Little did she know that not even chamomile would help her tonight.

Just as she had finished rinsing her cup and placing it on the rack to dry, the loud jingling of one of Adelaide’s toys startled Y/n. She whipped around, her eyes searching around to see if something had fallen off by a wind she did not feel.

But no, this certain sound was from a toy that usually Adelaide held while sleeping, a little stick with bells attached to the end. And it came from the bedroom.

Did Adelaide wake up?

Y/n knew i was normal, but as she made her way to the bedroom where Adelade slept, she tried to push her loudly beating heart back in her chest. Alas, it seemed to be stuck in her throat.

Pushing the door open as her body continued growing colder, Y/n stepped up to Adelaide’s crib.

And what she saw had tears of panic dripping down her chin.

°•°•°•○🌑○•°•°•°

Grayson’s pov.

Grayson decided to get to the lounge and rest for a while, since he had more than enough time to spare. He wasn’t really hungry, so he walked over to one of the very inviting looking individual sofas and settled down, tugging his bag next to him.

He’d had nothing else to do, so he had decided that passing time at the airport would be better than staring at the ceiling of his hotel bedroom, wondering about Y/n and his daughter. The urge to go look at her one last time was too unbearable, and he knew if he stayed there for even a minute longer, he would give in.

His daughter.

A part of him still could not believe he was a father. It was so surreal. He had grown up with two younger brothers, and even thinking about it now, he could not comprehend how fast time passed. It felt like yesterday he had been holding a newborn Xander and today, Xander held Grayson’s daughter.

It was like a dream. A dream that felt too good to be true but you wanted to continue watching it nonetheless.

Expelling a breath, Grayson leaned back, his gaze drawing to the fluorescent lights that lightened the entire place. It was barely a moment after he laid down, still getting comfortable, when his phone rang.

He pulled it out of his pant’s pocket, nonchalantly staring at the screen. But then he did a double take.

Y/n.

He picked up quickly, his heart rate picking up when the crying from the other end stopped him from speaking. He remained paralyzed for a moment, then he called out his friend’s name.

"Gray-" hic "Grayson, I- I don’t-"

"Y/n? What happened?"

"Adelaide- she was turning blue when I came to check up on her, like- like she couldn’t breathe, and now-" she stopped, gasping, "she won’t stop crying. I didn’t know who to call I’m sorry-"

"I’m coming."

The shocked, questioning faces of the officials were priceless as Grayson demanded to be let out of the airport.

One particularly haughty officer had him telling them that his daughter was not well and he needed to go and so hurry the fuck up-

He drove like never before as soon as he had left the airport, deciding to shoot a text to Zabrowski as he had been the one to arrange for his car. It seemed like he was going to need the car for longer than expected.

He could not think about anything but reaching Y/n and his daughter on time. He was so focused on getting to them that he decided to just run up the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator.

Grayson panted as he banged on the door to her home, feeling like it was impossible to take in a breath without his lungs burning up. But he didn’t have to wait too long as the tear streaked face of Y/n came into view and she handed him a screaming Adelaide without a word.

She moved away to let him in, sniffling. Her eyes were red, her skin flushed as she stared helplessly.

"I don’t know what to do I-"

Grayson shushed her. "It’s okay, I’m here now." He thought for a moment, then- "Sit down, Y/n."

She shook her head, a new wave of tears rising in her eyes. "I can’t."

Grayson stared at her for a moment, then nodded, turning his focus back to the crying babe in his hands. He needed to be calm because babies, Grayson had noticed, were very sensitive to negative emotions. He had seen his brothers laugh even when they had hurt themselves just because others were.

It took an hour, but eventually, Adelaide settled down, nuzzling her head into Grayson’s chest and staring up at him with big, watery eyes. Eyes that were his own.

He offered her a small smile, cooing. "There you go. You scared mama. You scared me too. But don’t tell your uncles that, they will bully me, okay?"

Grayson watched as one side of her lips ticked up in a sleepy smile, and then she drifted off, her breathing evening out.

The whole time, Y/n refused to sit and relax, constantly running into the kitchen, then the bedroom, trying to see if anything could calm Adelaide down. Bringing out her milk, then her blanket, then her toys. She kept moving, as if she slowed down for a moment, she would lose her mind.

Grayson knew the feeling well, not being able to stop moving because then he would feel helpless, but he understood how much worse this situation felt like to Y/n.

She was a mother, and not all mothers were like his own. They cared, they loved, and when they did, they did it with their whole soul.

When Grayson decided that Adelaide was really asleep, he set her back into her crib, then turned to Y/n. She stood at the entrance of the bedroom, her figure hunched, timid. Her eyes refused to move from the sleeping figure of her daughter.

She looked like she’d seen a ghost, or something much worse. In this case, her daughter’s discomfort. Her oversized sweater covered her palms as she raised them to wipe at her eyes futilely, sniffling. Her legging clad legs carried her closer to Grayson, and she stared down at the crib before meeting his eyes.

"Thank you-"

Before she could say more, he gently placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her into his chest.

She remained still for a moment. And then all hell broke loose as she put her arms around him and clutched at him, her fingers tight around the fabric of his shirt in her fist as if she would drown if she let go.

They stood there, her sobbing into his chest and him whispering words of comfort.

Eventually, she sagged in his arms, still whimpering from time to time as he picked her up and carried her to her bed. When he moved back, her hand shot out, tears still pooled in her eyes.

"Please, stay."

He nodded, clasping the hand at his collar and kissing the inside of her wrist.

"I am going nowhere, sweetheart. I will sit outside. Rest for now."

She shook her head stubbornly, pouting. "Stay here." at the uncertainty that was clearly visible to her, she patted the space next to her. "I won’t mind, Gray."

Finally, he obeyed and climbed in after discarding his jacket, leaving him in his white button up shirt and grey pants.

As Y/n’s eyes fluttered, Grayson reached out to card his fingers through her hair.

"Sleep. We’ll discuss this in the morning."

°•°•°•○🌑○•°•°•°

Mine taglist: @aaronwarnerobsessedmylove @blocked-zombieartist @lillycore @lanterns-and-daydreams @bubybubsters @berryzxx @riddlesb1tch @thena101 @imaseabear

The Inheritance Games Taglist: @dahliawarner @thena101 @yucanbmylxdy @sheisntyou @kitkatlover015

[freshstartbaby]

Un

🎧 Body - Syd

I watched my house, cardbord on the ground, like me, leg crossed. White walls, a little smell of vinegar. Thats what I used to finally clean up everything.

Why do I feel like shit ? I mean one part of me cant wait to be in my new place. But the other ? I really feel like I kind of failed here. I got a job, two to be exact, I can provide for myself. I got few friends and thats it. I was wondering if my mum will ever know if I left the town. Maaaan I got to stop overthinking.

It was 8pm and I was waiting for Theo's call. Thanks to god he told me he will help me wih the moving. His help was so precious. Like always. My phone rang with « Theo 🤍 » on my screen . I picked up

« Sup mister T » I said softly « Hi Rob, you good ? » he answered « I am actually, and you ? » « Good. So you really goin to leave me, you know you can still change your mind » « No way, but you know you will still be in my mind » « And in your heart. Who do you think you are ? » he started to joke « Man where are you ? » I said rolling my eyes with a smile on face « There is a litlle bit of traffic. I be there in 10 minutes. But I think the man who will help us is already there. I fowarded him your number. Did he call ? »

I checked my phone, no missed call

« Nah he didn't » « Ok, get ready I be there soon » « Thank tou Theo » « Everything for you » he hang up

I shook my head slowley left to right. He was so kind to me. He can't be real. Me and Theo knew ourself since 8 years now. He was there to help and provide when no one could. He always was very protective and he is actually the one who gave me my first job: dancer in a club. It wasn't my goal job but I could dance and it will help me paying my bills. Few years later he also refered me in company to work as a personnal assistant. I managed myself to then become a communication assistant. When you look clother, without him, I probably will end up as a cracked or worse.

When we met I was 16 and he was 22. It was a very protective relationship. But the older we get, the akward it became. I mean physically he turned to a man as i turned to a young women. And even if he always shows me mad respect, the way he was watching and talking to me changed. Not in a bad way, but I could feel there was more. I aint gon lie, he is good looking, got money and got pure heart. But i couldnt wiling to lost him if we turned into a relationship. He was one of few people around me. Aint ready to loose one of them.

When I told him that I decided to move in LA, maaaan, he wasn't down for it. But as always, he helped me. He got fews relations so we find a cute flat quickly than I thought. The place was smooth and warm. We flew to LA to visit it, and i actually loved it. So now here I am waiting for a friend of his to move my stuff to LA. Let me get it straight. I aint no baby. I can take care of myself. But when it comes to Theo, he always wants to help. And I aint gonna lie, it feel good to be take care of.

The ring belled, I stood up to open the door. He looked at me, I looked at him.

« Can I help you ? » rising an eyebrow acting like I didn't know him « Stop playing » he said moving in my place « Hi » I said to the man following Theo « Robyn this is Eric, Eric this The New York leaver »

I rolled my eyes and shook my head slowly. Eric and Theo helped me to put my stuff in the truck. It was quickly made thanks to them. Also even if I hadnt much things I droped a lot. Eric told me that they will arrive the next monday in my new place. I thanked him as he left when I felt someone behind me. I turned around found Theo on his phone.

« First of all you didn't say hi »

I pulled him softly in a hug. His hands wrapped my shoulder as he kissed my cheek softly

« Then tell me where do I drop you ? » he said « Alex's place » « Lets go »

He put my suitcase in his trunck and we headed to Alexendra's place. I sold my car few weeks before so he proposed me to drop me where I needed yesterday.

Alexandra is one of my best friend. She's like a sister to be honest. We know each other for like forever and she always be down for me. Im stayin at her place tonight so I can catch my flight tommorow.

The road was silent but confortable. Theo and I like to be quiet sometines. We're the type of people who arent afraid of silence. As we arrived to Alexendra's place we stayed a little in the car.

« You need help with the suit case ? » « Na Im good, but thank you. Thank you for everything. It means a lot» I look at him « Stop saying this like its a goodbye » « Im not » « You better »

We pulled into a thight hug «You know I'm always be around and if you need to come back my door is open» « I hope it will be fine dont say that »

He look at me kiss my cheek and said

« Take care » « You too Theo »

I got off the car, took my suitcase and watched him leave. As we disapear on the corner I called Alex.

« Yes baby » « Im here, remind me your code » « You still dont remember it, you do it on purpose » « Guuuurl what is it ?» « 7110 » « Thank youuuuuu »

I taped the code and got to her place

« Sup baby » « Wassup baby, how you doin ?» « Good and you ? » « Everything is alright, I mean my best friend is leaving in an another town but Im good » « Guuuurl, it is for the better » « I know that, Im just getting emotional » « Dont do that » « Im trying, I swear ! How did you came ? You took a uber ? » « Nah, Theo droped me »

She set down on her large cozy couch eying me with a small smile

« What ? » I asked « Noooothing ! » she tapped the place next to her so I can take place « You just goin to sit down and tell me what's popin between you and this white daddy, finally» she said swith a smirk « Nothing is popin, I already told you that » i said sitting next to her « But you got to admit he is good lookin » « I never said he isnt » « Maybe a little bit skinny but he is still handsome » « He is. » « So he never try to own that » she said pointing at myself « And dont try to tell me no, I saw him plenty time trying to get you. » « Alex, it is not goin to hape- « «  Whyyyyyyyy » « Because I dont want to » I said laughin « GURL IS YOU GAY ?» « Oh my god. Alexendra. » «  No because if you are it is ok. But you need to tell me, so I can introduce him to friend of mine. Its such a waste » « Whatever » I said looking at her smiling

This girl is so crazy. Full of good vibe. Always pushing me to my best. She is fam yall. Our phones started buzzing at the same time. It was a whatsap phone call from our conversation « Mexico 🥵 ».

With some friends we decided to go on a trip to Mexico. For the big part, I knew them from school or club. As we grew older all of us took different ways but still got mad love for eachother. This week trip was the way to link up. I didnt knew some people like David, Florian and Veronica but everything went well during the organisation so I wasnt « afraid » that they were annoying.

The trip is next Monday so we schedule this video chat to make a last check. With all the stuff with my moving I almost forget about this call. Alex and I were together so I decided not to answer from my phone and step clother to her so we can both be on her screen

« Hi » « Wassup beauties » Alexander says

We all said hi to each other and waited to see if someone was missing.

« Who is missing » I asked « Flo is not here » Betty said « Damn this sleeping guy, let me text him » Alexander answered

As he decided to text him, a new window poped in our screen revealing a big white man shirtless, it seems like he was in his bed.

« My bad, sorry for my lateness, wassup guys » he said in a low voice

I looked at the screen, then at Alex, then the screen again and falled into the catch moving my hand to show to Alex that this man was foooine

We giggle few seconds before getting back to our serious faces.

« Florian that is it ? » Alex asked « Yup » « Time is money you owe us all a drink when we get to the mexico » « Maaaan dont play me like that, I was taking a nap, gym killed me today» he said

Of course he was goin to the gym, look at this chest. I tried to fix my self when we all talked for like an hour about last informations, who will arrive when, who shares room, what type of activites we wanted to do. I cant wait for this trip to be honest. I dont travel that much. I could release the stress from my moving, my new job and the new town I will be living in.

« Rob you still in New York ?» Michael asked « Yeees, my fligt is tomorrow » « Where you goin ? » Betty asked « Moving to LA » I said softly « LA GANG MY MAN ! » Florian shouted « Thats great, really big move » Alexander said « Finger crossed » Veronica « Dont worry, as wherever it will be ok if you work hard enough » Florian said « Oh dont worry she is a hard worker » Alex said miming a blow job

I snaped her head as everyone shared an hard laugh. Few minutes later we hang up. I went to the bathroom, washed myself, my tooth and changed myself in something more confortable. I went back to the living room and find Alexandra on the phone. By the way she was smiling and laughing I could tell it was Alexander. Yeah. This gurl find a boyfriend with the same name. That's kind of cute but it's also so corny. She hanged up, stood uo and went to the kitchen

« Sooooo » « What do you want again ? » i said a smirk in my face « I was wondering » she looked at me with a vicious smile « What is it Alex ? » « Are you down for some dick in Mexico » « You are something else you know that » « Im just asking ! There will be latino guys, foreigner and gurl this man Florian, he is free like the wind » «How do you know that ? » « I asked Alexander » « Mmmmh » « Mmmmh ? Gurl when is the lastime you had a man making you feel right ? I aint talking about relationship because that is another level and I know you trying to put yourself first since...» « Yea no. I'm not ready but let me think » « The fact that you have to think is not ok, you know that if the sexual frustration is not evacueted it can damaged you » « I got toys dont worry » I said putting my finger in a peace sign while im leaving the kitchen

I went to her guest bedroom, sitted on the bed and put my durag on. After sliding under the sheets I did my breath exercise so I could fall asleep faster but I couldn't. It was these exercises or sleeping pills. But I try to use them less and less since few month. They knocked me hard to hard man. After 30 minutes of try, I took my phone and opened Instagram. I scrolled my screen without being focused at all, laugh at fews memes and double tap some post. I tought about what Alex told me. It's true. It been a while since I havent give a man his chance. It didn't went well the last time. Ok here we go overthinking. I shook my hand thinking of how dumb I was when I tought about Florian. He was fine its true but you know men are trash. At least men I have a crush on 😭. I tapped « florian » in the research bar to see if I could find him. I didn't. Im defenatly not a FBI member. I will ask to Alex tomorrow, or not, it's not a good idea.

——-

I was hugging Alexandra thighly at the airport. The voice called the passagers of my flight to get ready.

« I'm goin to miss you crazy ass » I whispered « I'm goin to miss you more Robyn, but stop being weak before I start crying » « Come on aint nobody goin to cry » I push her shoulder « we're tough girls remember ? » « Yea but I wrote you a letter » she gave me a letter as I look at her ready to make fun of her « You wrote me a letter, you must be in love with me » « Of course I am, yo you're my friend soulmate » « Ok you gon make me cry now » « Go get your flight »

I tried to open the letter when she took my hand

« The fuck is you doin, you have to read it in your flight, or when you arrive to your new place but not now » « Okaaaaaaay mrs emotional »

I kissed her cheek and grabed my suit case before leaving

« See you in Tulum baby ! »

I put a peace sign above my head a went take my flight.

As I settled in my seat, I leaned my head back to the couch. Here we go baby. You can do this. You got this. It's goin to be fine. I was motivated myself when my phone buzzed. I watched my phone screen and see that Theo sent me a vocal. I put my AirPods on tap on my screen to listen his whatsap vocal message.

James. Theo James. : « You're in the plane ? »

I send him a quick answer

Robyn ✨: Yup 🛫

James. Theo James. : Ok

I watched the screen as I saw « James. Theo James is writing » when a big as message droped. Oh my god. He is goin to make me cry. Or worse. I rubbed my forehead before start reading.

James. Theo James. :

« Robyn. My baby. I know your flight is getting ready to take off. So I'm writing this to you so you can be ready for this new page.

Im goin to tell you this, and ear me out when I say: You got this.

You're smart, kind, open minded,fierce, talented, reliable, honest and a fighter. I know life ain't did good to you lately, and it's destroying me to see you leave but baby it's a fresh start. Leave all the madness, the pain and the self doubt where you at because LA is goin to be fire baby. No more drama, no more pathetic boyfriend, no more struggling. Put yourself above everything, because you deserve it. Keep your mental healthy. Communicate more, talk free and never be afraid to make people to ear your voice.

As I always say to you, even if the blood don't link us, you mean the world to me. Whenever you need anything blow my phone. I will always have an eye on you even if I know you are and you are becoming a boss a bitch woman every single day.

I know you are goin to kill it.

Text me when you arrive to your new home

I will come visit you in few months

Theo 🤍 »

I closed my eyes, bitted my lips and hold my phone on my chest. Don't cry, don't cr- too late. Tears were all over my face as I try to mute myself. Even I tried to hide it, I was feeling shitty. And those words just gave me the feeling of being discovered. I don't know how it was possible. Even if Theo and I were closed I have difficulties to talk out when I'm not feeling myself. And with this message I knew that all this time he knew how I felt but give me my space.

LA be good to me please.

—-

🎧 1 pound - Brymo

The sunlight woke me this morning. I really need to buy curtains. I mean in the rest of the place it's not that important, but wake this way is so uncomfortable. I like the darkness in my bedroom you know ? And all this light, god chill out 🤣

I stood up and head ou to the bathroom and then to the kitchen. I watched the board where I wrote my to do list yesterday night. Yeaaaa i'm trying to be more disciplined woman. I mean organized but sometimes I get too lazy. Like if I invented the word lazy myself.

End the bathroom Shopping at the supermarket Look for a car End the suitcase Work out (you can do this)

I laugh at myself knowing that I will probably not doing the last one. I washed my dishes and turn on the speaker to get in a better mood. I clean a little some stuff since there was still some cardboard here and there. I find myself dancing in front the big mirror in one of the corridor when my phone rang. I didn't know the number so I turned of the music and clear my throat.

« Robyn Matthew, how can I help you » « Hi Robyn this is William. I am with Olivia, you're on speaker. How are you ? » « Hello Robyn »

Ow my new bosses.

« Oh hello to both of you, I'm great thank you to ask. How about you two ? » « We're good ourself thank you. Have you settled yet ? » « Mmh there is still few unopened cardboards but I'm good » « Good to ear that » « You will love LA » Olivia said « I hope so, how can I help you ? » « Well Robyn we were wondering, sorry to ask again but weren't you supposed to start today ?»

My eyes grew wide as my eyebrow start dancing. I wasn't supposed to start today hell no

« I don't think so, I mean I asked to the RH department to postponed my arrival since I have a trip planned » « Oh my baaaaaaaaaad » Olivia shooted « What is it » he asked to Olivia I think « I totally forgot to tell you, Cindy told me few weeks ago but it disappeared from my mind »

My heart stoped racing fast when I told them

« You scared me ! » « I'm so sorry Robyn, William I'm sorry too » « Oh it's ok, you owe us a coffe when she arrives » « Deal » she said laughing « You better note that, or you will forget it too » « Very funny » « Anyway sorry to have bothered you Robyn » William said « It's fine » « Where are you going ? » Olivia asked « Sorry ? » « You said you are goin on a trip, where is it ? »

I twisted my face. How is that suppposed to concern them ? Robyn stay open, be nice, they're just trying to be nice.

« Tulum » « Oh Mexico, well lucky you » « Oh my god, I wish I could have holidays to a place like this » « Anyway Robyn, enjoy you're trip and come back to us resourced. You can't wait to work with you » « Thank you, see you soon » « Bye »

I hang up, a weird feeling in my guts. I mean they were nice. But I'm not really use to have this kind of conversation with my bosses. I tought that they were a good duo both of them. I find myself a little anxious about having two bosses but it's goin to be fine.

Im goin to tell you this, and ear me out when I say: You got this.

I got this. I wanted to turn back on the music. So I scrolled my screen when I saw an Instagram notification.

@bignasty wants to follow you

My face twisted again. Big nasty ? What the hell is that. I'm sure this is a porn count, or a pervet who will try to slide in my Dm. So many weird people on social medias. Thanks god the private button exists so I can control borders 😂 I clicked on it when I saw his face.

Wow.

I took few step back to my couch as my hand was on my chest. Jesus Christ. I found myself put my hand on my mouth so I don't scream and laugh akwardly. God. It was Florian. I mean I think. No no no it was him. How can you forget a face like this. I hold my breath as scrolled down his feed. This man was... l have no word. I rubbed my eyes trying to get back to earth, with a big dumb smile on my face when my phone rang

Xandra 💍 is calling

I picked up and put her on the speaker. I said hi to her in a low voice, I was feeling like I'm out of breath

« GUUUUUUUURL » she screamed « Wassup » « Did Florian asked you on Ig ? » « He did. » « GIRRRL DID YOU SAW THESE PICTURES ?!!!! » « Alexandra, i was checking him when you called » « GURRRRRRL IF YOU DONT EAT HIM ON THIS TRIP I'M KILLING YOU »

I start rubbing my eye again. He was something else. God. Why do I feel this. Then I found myself playing with my finger, where my engagement ring used to be.

It gave me a quick reminder.

« Ok he is super hot, but don't count on me for that » « You're such a child when you act like that. You know what, I'm sure you pantie is already soaking looking at his pic, so just wait. When he is goin in front of you there will be no « don't count on me for that » » « shut up » « Have you end your suite case ? » « Not yet, I think it will be handle this evening» « Ok look listen to me wisely. I don't know what you choose but switch it all up with sexiest stuff » « I'm tired of you »

We stayed on the phone for like an hour. You know how it is when besties are on the phone. All the day she kept teasing me with Florian but I didn't give attention. But I wanted to make her laugh a little so I teased her with a screen and a meme

She hit me back with a message 

« gurl this is too much, you really goin to miss this chance »

What chance ? He just followed me on Instagram. I didn't even accept him yet. He must have a girlfriend, or be a fuck boy. Maybe is he gay. Ok Robyn overthinking AGAIN. It's goin to be cute holidays. I don't want to mess this up.

—— 3836 words

Wassup guys ?

How do you feel about this beginning ?

Is everything understable ? I'm French so you know you girl is struggling a little 🙈

Do not hesitate to give me feedbacks, react, and all that stuff

Next step, Tulum baby 🥵

Take care

NEXT PART

[rjhpandapaws]

A Cup of Something Better

Ch4: Close Encounters of an Educational Variety.

Tonight, as it turned out, was not going to be fine. He honestly felt like he should have known. Changing his schedule always tended to fuck him over. Cooking ran long because he got distracted chatting with Nines, then he once again lost track of time when doing the dishes slowly evolved into cleaning his long neglected kitchen, and now, for the first time in his college career, he was going to be late. Connor prided himself of being punctual, so this was not alright. He would be considerably less anxious if his first class wasn't calculus. The professor already had a mean streak a mile wide, and being late was almost garunteed to set her off. Professor Anderson on the other hand didn't seem to care so long as you didn't disrupt the lecture as you came in.

When the cab arrived on campus, Connor practically launched himself out of it sprinting toward the Math and Science building. He was going to be late either way, but hopefully running would soften the blow. He was glad to have run track and cross country in high school as he was only slightly winded when he arrived at his class. He steeled himself and walked into the lecture hall keeping his head down and shoulders hunched to make himself as small as possible.

"Nice of you to finally join us Mr. Arkait." The raven haired woman snapped, "Do consider being on time next time"

Connor ducked down even more and sank into his seat trying once again to shrink in on himself, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"It had better not." She threatened before she returned to the lecture as though Connor had done nothing wrong to begin with. Like the public humiliation had been for nothing.

Connor kept quiet during the lecture, diligently taking notes and doing everything in his power to avoid being called on. The lecture seemed to drag by slowly, painfully almost. When the class finally ended Connor packed up and rushed out of the lecture hall relieved to be out of there at last. Once he got out of the Math and Science building he took a deep breath and let it out slowly hoping to exhale some of his stress along with it.

As he walked toward building 1, the Language and Arts building, Connor took his travel mug from his bag and took a drink of luke warm coffee. The travel cup didnt keep drinks warm for long, but he had customized it online with one picture of every breed of large dog he'd seen. This was also one downside of evening classes, all of the campus coffee shops were closed so he either had to stop back by work again before school or make a pot of coffee at home. Tonight he did the latter.

He checked his phone when he got to building 1, he had fifteen minutes until his next class started. He took the stairs and headed down a side hallway to get to room 257 sitting on a bench to the left of the door, small and out of the way. He took his phone out again and grabbed his earbuds as well and opened Spotify and then shuffling his liked songs. He dug around in his bag pulling out the short story collection to reread the work they would be going over in lecture. He pulled out his notebook as well so he could organize his thoughts on the piece.

Unlike the nice neat order his calculus notes typically took, his English notes tended just to be a stream of consciousness in bullet-point format. It was the easiest way for him to form the base of his analysis. The music helped him keep from over thinking things, these were his opinions, not his professor's and he needed to keep that in mind.

He didn't take long to get caught up in his work, diligently taking notes until the door to the lecture hall opened. As the previous class filed out he packed up his things, putting his earbuds away and double checking that his phone was indeed on silent. He didn't want anymore mishaps today. Being late for calculus had been enough excitement for one day.

When there was a break in the exiting flood of students Connor slipped into the lecture hall. He walked to his usual seat in the middle of the second row. He put his travel mug up first, then his notebook, his textbook next, and lastly his pencil pouch. With everything situated neatly he sat back. He looked around the lecture hall, his classmates were slowly starting to file in, his eyes roamed to the desk and stopped. On the front left corner of the desk was a Hand Brewed Hope cup. Which by itself wouldn't be much, but he recognized his own handwriting. That made it one of only a few drinks as he was only working the register the back half off the shift.

He set his curiosity aside, he would figure it out soon enough. Connor raised his eyes to the white board to look over the notes for the lecture writing them down. Most of his professors used the smart boards, but Professor Anderson outright refused to, Connor found it endearing. Just as he finished taking down the lecture notes, Professor Anderson entered the lecture hall and once again Connor's world came to a full stop.

The Latte Murderer was his English professor. His crush was his professor. This night was not going to be fine at all. Par for the course at this point.

Connor honestly tried to pay attention, he really did, but he just couldn't. He put in effort into listening to Professor Anderson, but it wouldn't be long before he spaced out and just stared. Literary analysis was hard enough for Connor already, but now his professor himself was a walking distraction. Contrary to his calculus class, this lecture seemed to fly by, likely because he was pleasantly distracted rather than hyper aware of his own presence in the room. The issue being he didn't notice that the lecture was over until his professor spoke.

"Planning on staying here all night kid?" The gruff voice accompanied by the hands coming into view on his desk just about made him jump out of his skin, "Can't say I reccomend it."

Connor looked up. Coffee eyes meeting sky blue, and it took longer than he would have liked to find his words, "Uh, no sir. I just got lost in my thoughts."

"I get it kid, don't worry." He backed off some and Connor began packing his things feeling a bit like a scolded child, "You don't happen to work at a coffee shop do you?"

Connor paused and then nodded standing up and grabbing his travel mug, "Yeah why?" His voice sounded small even to his own ears.

"Just that you look familiar." Professor Anderson said with a slight shrug.

"I also have a twin." Connor was deflecting and he didn't know why. He walked out of the lecture hall looking over his shoulder as Professor Anderson turned out the lights and shut and locked the door, "Good night professor."

"Night kid." The olderman said heading down the opposite hall.

By some miracle, Connor managed to make it into a cab before he broke down and texted Nines, knowing if he was awake he would respond.

Connor: Good news and bad news. Which do you want first.

<Nines3: Good news first, soften the blow

Connor: I know what my mystery bear does for a living

<Nines3: The bad news?

Connor: He's my English professor.

<Nines3: Oh. Well, thats unfortunate. But at least you get a free viewing every Monday

Connor: Not helping Nines.

<Nines3: Well, I'm going back to sleep.

Connor: Night.

Connor paid his fare sulking up to his apartment. He dropped his bag by the door and made his way to the bathroom running a hot bath. Might as well try and end the night on a high note.

[pbandjesse]

So I thought I had an interview today. But it was not an interview at all! Because the woman from the Y kept referring to me as the new lead teacher at this site. So...Not an interview! I have the job and I start on monday! 

I am slightly conflicted but Ill get to that later. 

I slept pretty well. I woke up at 8 like I am supposed to. But I wanted so much to go back to sleep.  My navel piercing tore a little again and I had to take the jewelry out. Its very annoying. I have had this piercing for almost a decade but now I am getting psoriasis on it? Really?? At least all the other parts of my skin is healing really well. Im actually shocked but also worried about what I go off the steroid. Cause in the past its just all come back as soon as I stop. But at least for now I can enjoy it. 

I did get up though. I got a shower. I bothered James. He made me a bagel. I teased him for how little cream cheese he put on it. And after chilling in the dungeon for a while I went to work on some art. 

I had to sew a little tear on the dress I wore today. And the I just got to work on some of the last frog things Im making before the store goes live. I found a bag of hair clips so I didnt need to go buy any and that was exciting. I also worked on putting holes in the backs of the lego froggies. I am waiting on the heart beads still but the frogs went well. 

The car was still not ready at noon. So James coordinated with him dad to borrow the car from him and walked to the monument to pick it up. I was nervous to drive someone elses car. James gave me some tips but I was still really scared.

I had lunch while James was gone. Cleaned up the apartment a little more. Made sure I had everything I needed. My notebook and stuff. Cleaned up my eyebrows. Was nervous!! But then James was back and I had to actually think about leaving.

 But James got me a gift! It came in the mail! Its that fragrant jewels brand that is like bath bombs and candles with rings in it. They all smell like chocolate. I am excited to see what I get. He's the sweetest boy. 

I left early. Because of course I did. I had a podcast. And it was a quick drive. Its about 20 minutes give or take. But man. It was so scary driving this car. It didnt coast like ours does, and I couldnt figure out how to put the head lights on. And I was just so nervous. But it ended up being fine but I was still scared the whole time.

I got to the place and it was nice! The neighborhood was nice. Solidly middle class. The location is next to a school. But its a Police Athletic League. And I dont know how I feel about that!! Like I firmly. Do NOT LIKE COPS. I dont want to be associated with the police. But also. The kids?? I want to help the kids. And Im not working for the cops. Im working for the Y. And the two guys who are working their are the sweetest guys. Older black men. Special education teachers. Kind and funny. So like. I have hopes. But yeah. It feels weird. 

Lana, the Y contact, was parked in front of me and I texted her I was there and once she was done her conference call we walked over to the building. 

And like I said the two men were so nice. We had a meeting and thats when I realized, oh I have this job. Because she kept referring to me as the lead teacher. Eventually I jumped in and was like. Hey BTW! This is my background and sort of gave my teaching history so that they had an idea of who I am. I will also have an aid, but she wasnt there today. I hope she's nice. 

After the meeting the guys gave me a tour. Its a small building but is also very nicely laid out. Have a few different rooms. I have some ideas for how the space Ill be in could work. And while I am mostly there as support for the kids, I will have some time to do arts projects with them. Im excited for how much freedom I have but also they dont actually have any registered kids yet so I dont know the ages besides that they have it open for 5 to 17. Ill make it work. 

After the tour we basically said see you at 8am on monday! And I was like. Awesome. And headed out.

I didnt exactly know where I was. But I also didnt want to be driving around a bunch in Tucker's car. But also I wanted wawa so I googled the closest one and headed there. I was starving. 

The wawa was actually really busy. It was hard to socially distance but I think most people tried their best. I got my sandwich and ate in the car. And then headed to drop off the car with Tucker. 

I had trouble parking but eventually I figured it out. I dont parallel park well on a good day but I did alright. And dropped off the keys with Tucker just minutes before the monument closed. So I made it! It was nice to see him. He won the raffle for tickets to the raven's game on sunday. I tisked at him but they are doing like a wild amount of distancing. So I hope its fine even if we arent happy about it. 

I walked home. And honestly it was a long walk but I had a nice time. The weather was good. I had a drink. I had a podcast. It was a good time. A man asked for a quarter and I had exactly that.  And it was just a good time. 

I got home and was in a good mood. I have been having a good night. Enjoying photographing more art. Making so many drafts on instagram in prep for the store opening on sunday. I have just been having a nice night. 

But I am tired. I think I am going to take a bath and use my new bath bomb and maybe the ring will come out?? I am looking forward to the surprise. 

I hope tomorrow is another good day. Sleep well everyone. Take care of yourselves. 

[strongsassysexysloane]

You and Me

https://jpncis09.tumblr.com/post/190725282440/you-and-me please read this before continuing.. 

My muse is Jack Sloane and my crush. . . 

. . . 

You almost jumped out of your skin when theres a knock at the door and then Jack hangs up the phone. "It's unlocked." You shout.

"Youre as bad as Gibbs." She complains walking in and closing the door behind her.

"Hello to you too." You put a few fries in your mouth and fold you legs in front of you, leaning back into the couch. She sits down across from you in the arm chair.

"I don't care that youre bi, I'm bi." It took a few silent minutes of you refusing to talk for her to finally speak.

You nod, reaching for some more fries and putting them in your mouth. Not ready to give anything to her conversation just yet. That and you feel like youre about to cry from everything that has just happened in the past two hours. Why does everything have to happen at the wrong times.

"You gonna just eat or say something?" She seemed flustered. Fidgetting with her hands, kept crossing and uncrossing her legs. If this was any other scenario you'd find it quite funny and adorable. Ok, you do find it adorable.

"Eat. Because being Bi doesnt explain your behaviour." Your mouth twitches and you curse to yourself. Jack saw it and she knows the game you're playing or hiding from.

"Elsa guessed, didnt she." Jack leans forward and grabs a fry from your dinner and you raise a brow at her challenge. She knows your rules about not stealing your food. The first time she stole something from your plate during a lunch break you swatted her hand away with a squawk about 'Joey doesnt share food!' and she laughed. But you noticed the sneak attacks she made while she thought you werent looking and one day you just ended up ordering an extra side of fries and she laughed.

But the mention now of Elsa's name brings you back to the harsh reality at hand. Apparently that name now hurts to hear out loud, you feel guilty and in an unfamiliar territory. "Hey, you ok?" Jack moves to get up but you hold out your hand.

"Stay." Jack sits back down but with a very concerned look on her face. You've never said no to Jack's contact before. "Jack, why did you come tonight?"

"Because the team was going out for-"

"Don't." You know she's avoiding the question, trying to play it off. "I'm a psych major remember." She huffs out a laugh at that. You know all the tricks, espeically hers and that avoidence was just sad.  

"Because I needed to see you. Apologise. Clearly I hurt you." She waves to the tear rolling down your cheek. You quickly wipe it away.

"Yes you had a part in that but it's not what you think." You grab the burger and take a large bite out of it. Not ashamed of the way you eat in front of Jack. Hell, she's a more messy eater than you are. Plus your emotions are about to let loose and having a mouth full of food seemed like a good choice.

"Want to talk about it or eat it away?" She tries so hard to lift the mood and it almost works.

"Eat sounds good. Not sure I can talk right now." You swallow the last bit of burger and grab a few fries.

"I'll be here when you can." She gets up. "Sorry to ruin your night, I'll see you monday." She grabs her handbag and car keys.

"Why didn't you go to Gibbs place after the bar tonight?" You stop her in her tracks half way to the front door.

Jack turns. "Needed to see you." A sad smile on her face. She leans against the doorway facing you.

"Why?" You take another bite of your burger, keeping your eyes on her.

"Thought you didn't want to talk?" She pushes off the doorway and walks towards you, stopping short of the couch, still giving you space.

"I dont." You swallow. "Doesn't mean you can't." You munch on a few more fries.

"Think it's much of the same conversation." She shrugs. She's trying so hard to hold onto her resolve but you can see it cracking and you feel your walls starting to slip away.

"Jack I think Elsa broke up with me." Your wall crumbles and you burst into tears, you aren't sure where they come from, its mostly confusion youre feeling. You bury your face in your hands and don't see Jack scramble to your side but you feel her when her arms wrap around you and tug you close.

"I'm sorry, im so sorry." She buries her face in your hair and your gut churns. You shouldn't feel like this just after a break up but having Jack so close. It feels right and you think back to what Elsa said. The tears start to fade and you calm down your breathing down. "Was it because of me?" You can't speak, you don't want to talk about it, you aren't ready to admit about it because you don't know what it is. But your head betrays you and you nod. "Im sorry." You think you can hear Jack start to cry and you pull back to see tears run down her cheeks.

"Hey." God, seeing Jack cry breaks you. "None of that." You wipe her tears away and she smiles at you.

"You can cry but I cant?" She reaches up to wipe the stained tears on your cheeks.

"Seeing you cry, it hurts." You swallow, nervous. Feelings bubbling to the surface, feelings you were so unsure of. The moment you saw Jack on your first day at HQ you felt butterflies. Everytime she smiled and when she laughed, you couldn't help but smile. You'd never felt these feelings before for anyone. Mostly confused you moved these feelings aside to get on with your job and didn't let yourself think about it. Just enjoyed the friendship that started to form and then you found Elsa and the feelings were buried so deep that it wasn't until tonight that they reappeared. That and she clearly had a thing for Gibbs.

"Hurts me to see you cry and think I caused it." She disentangles herself from you, but you reach out just in time to catch her hand before she can get more space. Maybe Elsa was right and you hate yourself for it. For leading her on without knowing you were.

"Can't help who we fall for." You see shock cross Jack's face and you laugh. "Once Elsa pointed it out, the feelings I buried so deep resurfaced. Thought you were into Gibbs." She squeezes your hand.

"I mean. That ship sailed long ago. We are good friends now." Jack smiles, you can see a memory flash through her eyes.

"Is it over?" You tug at Jacks hand, pulling her back to the present. "I can't be in the middle, espeically if it invloves Gibbs."

Jack shifts, you are trying to read her but somethings changed. She drops your hand and you try to get it back but she leans forward and you suddenly realise what she's doing. She's above you, arms on either side of you, resting on the arm of the couch behind you.

"You sure?" You just nod and her lips meet yours.The world goes silent and all you can feel and hear is her. Jack has you on your back on the couch and she's above you, letting her body weight rest on you and you love it. Wrapping your arm around her waist, making sure she doesnt move and you moan into the kiss. The kiss turns into several and you can't get enough of each other.

You both have to catch your breath. Jack tries to crawl off you but your arms are locked around her waist.

"At least let me roll onto my side." She laughs and you loosen your grip so she can roll onto the couch beside you and youre so thankful for the width of the couch you bought. Perfect amount of room for the both of you but you still tug her close. "For a person who ju-"

You kiss her again, and stopping her from talking is now one of your favourite things. "Someone had eyes for someone else until they saw I had a -" You go quiet and move to sit up. All the emotions from tonight are getting too much. You were distracted by having her so close that you pushed everything out of your mind.

"I'm such a horrible person." Leaning your elbows on your knees and burying your face in your hands.

"Hey." Jack wriggles around on the couch so she can tug at your arm so you look down at her and seeing her face makes you smile, its just that simple. "She gave you an out. She saw it, you aren't cheating, we aren't going to do anything else tonight. If that makes you feel any better." Jack laughs softly.

"Slightly." You lean down and aim to kiss Jack on the forehead but get her lips instead and smile. "Cheeky."

"Always." Jack says against your lips and tangles her hand in your hair. "So much for discussing later." You both laugh at that.

"You bring it out of me. Move back." You nudge against her cheek and roll back down beside her on the couch. You nuzzle your face into the crook of Jack's neck and she wraps her arms around you, bringing you in close. You're surrounded by her and you take a deep breath.

"Thank you for talking to me. Sorry I -" She stops and you laugh into her neck. "Shut up." You kiss her neck and she hums.

"Think I found a spot." You put another open mouth kiss in the same spot and suck slightly.

"If you don't want to do anything further tonight, I suggest you stop that now." She tightens her hold of you and you leave another kiss there before turning and inhaling her hair.

"You smell so good." You mumble.

"So do you." Jack kisses the side of your head and you two settle into silence. It's not long before you feel Jack's hold of you loosen and you look up and see Jack's fallen asleep.

You wriggle slowly, not to wake her and move up the couch to get your head ontop of a pillow and pull Jack into your chest. She snuggles into your side but doesn't wake up. You think back over the night and how drastically its changed. You can't help but feel bad for Elsa but she gave you something so special, you just hope it doesn't fall to pieces. Thinking it might be a good idea to go see Elsa at work tomorrow instead of calling her. It's such a strange situation but then again nothing in your life has ever been simple or worked out the way you planned.

"Your heart is racing, hon. Just breath." Jack rises up and you look up at her. You smile at the nickname, so endearing, like you've been together for years not minutes.

"Sorry, but now that you're awake, let me get up and switch off the lights." Jack nods and rolls onto her side so you slip free and do what you said.

"No bed tonight?" Jack smirks are you slid back down onto the couch, tugging a blanket from the back of the couch and placing it over you both. You hold out your arm and she snuggles back into your chest and wrap your arm around her, running your fingers up and down her arm.

"You and my bed, now that's destined for many late night fantasies." You chuckle as Jack raised her head back up, looking at you with a raised brow. "A girl can dream."  Jack wriggles up the couch and kisses you, long and slow. "Few on this couch too." You feel Jack laugh against your chest as she settles back down beside you.

"And I thought I was the naughty one." She runs her fingers up your side and you flinch. "Ticklish are we."

"If you continue, I will kick you out." Jack's hand stops and tucks back under your butt. "Smooth." You drop a kiss to her head and settle back down, trying to will on sleep but fully aware of the woman attached to your side.

. . . .

I know its not the best but my imagination is on fire. 

[vampirrediaries]

Enemies Of The State : Dark!Klaroline {4}

summary:

This fiction follows the events of just how Klaus Mikaelson and Caroline Forbes lost everything that tied them to their humanity, leading them into something neither of them can come back from.

———————

{10 years ago}

She was bloody. Sweet, red ecstasy dripping from her mouth as her fangs protruded, swiftly sinking them into another helpless victim once more. She felt nothing but satisfaction as it ran down her throat, hungry for more. Humanity was nowhere to be found. He stood beside his queen, proud as she cracked her victim’s neck, staring at her with love and lust. He was always insatiable for power as they made it rain blood. He kissed her bloodstained lips when she looked at him, whispering with a deathly tone “It’s you and me, my sweet Caroline. You and me ruling the world forever,”

Caroline suddenly woke up with a jolt, heavily breathing.

“What was that,” She whispered to herself, trying to wrap her head around what had just happened. That was the first time she dreamt of him. It was also the first time she’d dreamt of her bloodlust.

The events of yesterday rushed into her mind quickly. The phone call with Klaus, Rebekah’s house...how she threatened Damon so much he fled her house in an instant. Caroline shivered as the memory of her actions came to her. It confused her. Caroline figured out she liked what she did to Damon, and it terrified her. This wasn’t her. She was good. Sweet, bubbly Caroline who needed to be good.

Yes, she needed to be good. But what did she want to be?

Caroline shook her head, trying to get rid of these thoughts. Get yourself together she thought as she got up from her bed. Looking outside her window drearily, the heavy rain matched her mood perfectly. School was the last thing on her mind, and it was Monday. Caroline only wanted to remain in her room after yesterday, and she felt as though she deserved a break from the hysteria that was surrounding her constantly.

What she did want was blood, and even then she felt irked to go near it after her dream. When did life become so difficult?

The door to her room opened as Caroline was about to get something to eat. Her mother looked tired, leaning against the doorframe “Hey, honey”

“Long shift at the office last night?” Caroline gave Liz a weary smile, to which she returned. “We were working on a case late, animal attack”

“It was probably Stefan,” Caroline joked. Liz raised an eyebrow. She forgot how her mother didn’t find vampire jokes funny, trying to change the topic quickly.

“So, what’s up?”

“I wanted to tell you Elena called. It seemed urgent so you might wanna call her back,” Liz said as she backed out of the room. Caroline groaned. She did not want to meet her friends today, not after being emotionally and physically drained yesterday.

She quickly makes her way to her phone, turning it back on to find Elena had given her four missed calls. She couldn’t help but feel annoyed, Elena had probably gotten herself into another vampire mess and needed help. Hastily pressing down on the contact, she brought it up to her ears. Elena answered immediately.

“I’ve been trying you all morning, Caroline” Elena said sharply. She simply rolled her eyes, falling back on her bed.

“Sorry, I just woke up”

Elena breathed heavily through the phone. “Can you come around in a few hours?”

“I’m not feeling great today” She groans, hoping her friend would say that they could meet some any time other than today.

“It’s important, Caroline” Elena said with seriousness. She knew she couldn’t get out of it at this point, hesitantly telling the doppelgänger that she’d be there before hanging up.

Caroline sighed, running her fingers through her blonde locks in thought of what Elena could’ve gotten herself into that she needed her. I really cannot catch a break, can I? Maybe she should just disappear. She’d never been to Paris before. Her mind immediately drifted off to the night of the Mikaelson ball when Klaus showed her his paintings. I’ll take you. Wherever you want. Rome, Paris...Tokyo?

Caroline felt a deep pang in her chest. It was as though every memory she had of him hurt her just as much as his call did. They were nice ones, her favourite being the time he stole her Miss Mystic application. She smiled faintly, that being the start of when she slowly fell for him.

Caroline shook her head. That phone call was the last she’d ever hear from him. She repeated herself this often when she started to miss him a little too much. It was times like these when she wished she was human, missing not feeling such emotions at a heightened degree.

“Well this is quite depressing to watch,”

Rebekah Mikaelson stood in Caroline’s room with a bored look on her face. The young vampire jumped at the intrusion, groaning when she found the Original leaning against her bedroom wall.

“Has nobody told you to knock?,” Caroline hisses. Rebekah shrugged nonchalantly, pulling herself off as she looked around her room. “I like your room. Very human.”

“Can you tell me what you could possibly want at ten in the morning?,” She got straight to the point. Dealing with Rebekah was the last thing she needed right now.

“I wanted to ask you about your rather alarming visit yesterday, but it seems by your attitude you’ve already dealt with your issues with my brother”

“Not that it’s any of your business,” Caroline said sharply “But I’ve handled it”

“So you do have a thing for him,” Rebekah chuckled. “I didnt know you liked sociopaths, Caroline”

“Kindly get out if there’s nothing else you want to talk about” She angrily diverted the conversation. If she wanted Klaus out of her life for good, she needed to avoid his family members, including his bitchy sister.

“You should be nicer to me,” Rebekah said sharply “I even delivered your little message this morning”

“That wasn’t necessary-”

“I’m sure he won’t be a bother to you or your little group anymore,” Rebekah hastily cut her off. Caroline felt her face drop. She wanted him to not be a bother, right? She wasn’t the best at knowing what she wanted, even as a human. Rebekah noticed Caroline’s sudden expression change, rolling her eyes as she sat down on her unmade bed.

“Nik only cares about himself,” She tried explaining. “He’ll break you. Tear you apart. I think the only person who’d be suitable for him is someone without humanity”

Humanity.

Caroline often thought about turning it all off sometimes. More times than usual following the events of the day before. She wanted to when she broke down in the middle of the street, when her father died....when she liked the power she felt attacking Damon. She’d never done it before, which had made it all the more tempting. Especially since the predatory nature she bore was coming out of her more than usual.

“Humanity is a vampire’s greatest weakness,” Caroline murmured to herself. Klaus had said that once, whispering it in her ear on the front porch when he had shown Tyler mercy. She inwardly smiled at the thought.

“Right well i’m going to school,” Rebekah got up, flipping her blonde hair over her shoulder. “I have a dance to plan. You coming?”

“I’m skipping, actually”

“You really are changing,” The Original scoffed as she made her way out of the bedroom. Caroline fell back on her bed in exasperation. Even Rebekah saw it, and she wasn’t surprised in the slightest.

She spent the next few hours by taking a shower and snacking on blood bags. She even took out one of her favourite things she’d ever received, the drawing that Klaus had left on her bed. Thank you for your honesty, written on the bottom right corner on the parchment in his neat handwriting. Her heart clenched. No, she wouldn’t ever throw it away. Not this.

Her phone rang a few minutes later, Elena’s name shone on the screen like it was taunting her in some way. She put down the drawing beside her, hastily picking up her phone. “Elena, i’m coming okay?”

“Everyone’s just waiting for you Caroline. I told you to be here in a few hours?” Elena heavily sighs on the other end. Why would all of her friends be waiting on her? They usually pay no mind and start talking about whatever trouble they’ve gotten themselves in without her. She wasn’t important in any means.

“I’m on my way,” Caroline says before cutting the call, but as she reached for her purse, the drawing caught her eye. Caroline was paranoid, and she knew Liz snooped in her room sometimes. Her drawer didn’t have a lock on it either. Hesitantly, she carefully placed the parchment into one of the pockets of her purse. It was small, nobody would know unless they looked into it.

At least you haven’t changed being paranoid as hell. Pulling on her shoes hastily, she walks out the door eager to get Elena’s thing done with so she could go back to being invisible.

She reaches Elena’s house in a few minutes, standing outside on the porch as she peers into the window that looked into the living room. Her friends were all there, including Damon. She felt anxious, gathering her will to knock on the door.

Elena immediately opens up, her face sullen and serious, she doesn’t greet the vampire as she simply steps aside. Caroline walks in confused. Her friend had never acted so deviant towards her before, and it was for this reason her nerves went through the roof. Surely it wasn’t because of her, right?

She began questioning this when Bonnie, Matt and Stefan all stood next to the fireplace, a serious expression painted on their faces when she reached the living room. Damon Salvatore gave Caroline a glare as hostile as ever. Her anxiety was heightened at this point, dreading what she knew was inevitable, yet holding on to hope that it was not what she thought.

“So, what’s this about?” She asked tiredly, not knowing the storm that was about to happen shortly after. Elena calmy walked towards the blonde vampire, arms crossed.

“We know, Caroline”

She froze instantly. No.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Elena”

“Seriously?” Elena says with a raised voice “Damon told us everything. There’s no point in denying it”

They weren’t supposed to know. They were never supposed to know.

“What exactly do you think I did?” Caroline asked, her voice wavering.

“Let’s start with how you went all Barbie Klaus on me,” Damon spat out, referencing his name on purpose. She could see it in his eyes. He longed to call her out. She stiffened.

“Because you threatened me! You followed me around and had the nerve to show up thinking you could mess with my head-”

“Wait,” Stefan interrupted in the middle of her sentence “ What exactly did he threaten you with Caroline?”

Damon smirked with a merciless look in his eyes. The same look he gave Caroline the day before. The one that said got you. She quickly figured it out. Damon hadn’t told them about Klaus. Damon was waiting on her so he could tell the truth in front of everyone, making her suffer just as she wanted him to.

“Well that’s the fun part of this whole thing,” Damon clapped his hands tauntingly, turning his amused gaze towards Caroline. “Should I tell them or should you?”

She felt her heart in her throat, wordlessly pleading him not to as she remained still, knowing what was inevitably coming. “Blondie has been lying to you all,”

“Damon. Please,” Caroline’s voice cracked weakly. She couldn’t move. The older Salvatore brother merely gave her a sadistic look.

“What is he talking about?” Elena asked sharply. The air was thick with tension as her friends waited impatiently for some clarification. Caroline felt faint, wishing she could disappear in the moment more than ever. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to forget about him, without letting the people she cared about know her betrayals against them. The room felt at a loss for words with the next that followed.

“Caroline,” Damon spat out mercilessly “Is in love with Klaus Mikaelson.”

—————

There was a storm going on when Klaus went over to the cemetery in order to finish what the Deveraux witch had started once and for all.

It all looked very diabolical when the lightening cracked above, the rain heavy as Klaus took Sophie Deveraux roughly by the arm, dragging her towards the grave he had dug for her when he was done with the deed.

“You shouldn’t have meddled with my life Love,” Klaus spat out venomously as Sophie looked hopeless as ever dangling by his grip. “This is the fate my enemies meet, and it will now be your own.” Klaus swiftly pulled her up, his hand against her chest, ready to take her heart when Sophie weakly said her next words.

“You can’t stop what’s coming,”

Klaus narrowed his eyes at the witch, interested in what she had to say before he killed her, he roughly asked what she meant.

“I saw it,” Sophie meekly said “I saw what would happen if you lived another day. I couldn’t let that happen.”

“What did you see?,” He demanded sharply. Sophie looked terrified now, the type of look that he’d expected her to have when she was brought here to die. The witch looked as if a horrible memory came back to her.

“Your humanity, Klaus” She said shakily “It wasn’t there. T-The both of you are going to start something you can never come back from,”

“What do you mean the both of you?,” Klaus growled with impatience. “Answer me, you incessant witch!”

“I’d rather die than to live in the world you’ll soon create.” Sophie coughed, rain mixing with the blood staining her mouth as she whispered her last words.

“You can’t stop what’s coming.”

Klaus had enough at this point. The witch obviously wasn’t going to give up what she knew, and it was for this he ravenously plunged his hand in her chest.

Sophie Deveraux went wide eyed, blood filling her mouth as it dripped on her rain soaked clothing. Klaus left his hand against her rapidly beating heart, evidence that she was fighting for her life. He chuckled mercilessly wanting her to suffer before giving her the peace of death.

“You witches truly are the bane of my existence,” He said, shooting daggers with his eyes as the dying witch begged for him to end her suffering, choking on her blood. He finally complied, swiftly grabbing ahold of the organ as he ripped it out.

Sophie went limp with death in his hands. Klaus felt satisfaction as he roughly tossed her body in the shallow grave, along with her heart. However, he couldn’t help but feel conflicted with what little information he’d been given about his future. Perhaps she was just trying to antagonise him. Klaus scoffed, uncertain yet satisfied he dealt with the reason he came here for in the first place.

You can’t stop what’s coming. Your Humanity. It wasn’t there.

Klaus calmy walked away from the scene, wiping his bloody hands on his jeans as he thought about it. Yes, he knew things would escalate on another level with his humanity gone. He had never turned it off for this very reason. He had gone through horrific events, yet he kept it intact.

Caroline Forbes was one of the things that tethered him to his humanity, the reason he helped Katherine to live. Rebekah had surprisingly called him that morning, letting him know that she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He expected it after the phone call, but it didn’t hurt less either.

He shivered thinking about what he would do if Elijah killed Caroline, had he not given a damn about his vain lover. His family was another aspect to his humanity, he loved them unconditionally, even though they were placed in a box for centuries on end.

Yes, Klaus knew the consequences if anything were to happen to either of the two, which is why he went to great lengths to protect them. The witch was right, but the future she’d told him was a future he would make sure would never happen if he had anything to do with it. The question remained on his mind, however.

Who was the other person?

——————

masterlist

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[pinkwatchblueshoes]

Garvez Fluff

Just a little quick fluff that I desperately need to see but wont. Margaritas and Mix Ups Penelope Garcia told herself not again. After an intense but platonic relationship with her best friend Derek Morgan, she knew she couldnt care so deeply for another person when they could, and eventually would, just up leave her. Penelope often beat herself up for feeling this way because she loved Savannah and little Hank but her heart could only take so much after all the losses the team had gone through. She already had enough worry for her family and team as is. Newbie was trying his hardest to chip away at her "fluffy armor" as he called it. What killed Garcia was that she found everything he tried so endearing but she always stopped herself before she got in over her head. On top of everything SSA Luke Alvez was another gorgeous strong superhero, just like Derek, yet totally different. His smile knocked her off kilter, but a man like that would never look at a woman like her she lamented. After a particularly hard case Garcia was staying late to finish paperwork so she could spend the entire weekend focused on de-stressing and relaxing, NOT thinking about the young women of this case. She was pulled away from her computer screen with a knock on her lair door. "Still here?" A familiar deep voice asked. "Obviously." She snarked back but Luke only smirked at the feisty blonde. "I would ask if I could join you but you'd just say no so I'll just take a seat anyway." Penelope only snorted knowing he was just as stubborn as she was. When she finally finished up and shut down her computer and its many screens she found him intensely studying one side of her office that held pictures of friends and family, even hand drawn pictures from Henry. Garcia could see the sadness behind his dark eyes. Was this case just as bad for him? Or was he missing someone, his family? The offer flew out of her mouth before she could stop herself. "Do you want to go get a drink?" Luke turned to her surprised. "Really? I-I would love that." "Good lets go." Penelope grabbed her purse and Luke followed closely to the elevators. As they descended to the garage level in the elevator Luke's stomach growled loudly. "I'm sorry about that." He said embarrassed. "Do you think we could go somewhere with food also?" "Soo needy Newbie." Penelope groaned but smiled letting him know she was kidding. Little did he know she was starving as well. "Well lucky for you I know a little Mexican joint with the best margaritas and they serve dinner late." When they arrived the hostess recognized Penelope right away. "Oh Miss Penny!! So good to see you. Your table is available." Penelope blushed. "Come here often?" Luke chuckled quietly. Once seated the server arrived right away. "Your usual Miss Penny? Peach Margarita and the veggie fajitas?" Penelope's face got even redder but nodded yes anyway. The server turned to Luke expectantly. "You know what? That sounds delicious. I'll have the same." Luke turned to see Penelope's shocked face. "Hey it must be good if you come here often and have a usual. I trust you." Penelope couldnt stop the warmth that the statement "I trust you" put through her, even if it was just a food choice. Plus she knew Luke ate meat and drank beer so he was going outside his comfort zone for her. "So how is miss Roxy?" Penelope started with a subject she loved. "She's good. I'm leaving her at the sitter's tonight since its so late. She misses you though. I swear she knows who the dog cookies are from when I give them to her." "Well as long as she enjoys them I'll keep making them." Penelope said with a smile. There was a silence but Luke was just smiling at her, then the food arrived breaking the moment. The conversation was surprisingly easy and comfortable for Penelope. She laughed hard when Luke told her about helping out a older neighbor with some chores who then came on to him. Being the nice guy Luke was he was stuck dodging her advances until all the chores were done. "I think I like Mrs. Corgin." "Of course you would. You'd love anyone who gave me a hard time." "True." The teasing was light and fun. Penelope appreciated his sense of humor. But what really touched her was when they accidentally got on the topic of work and this last case, he listened patiently as she described having to go through the victim's lives intimately to only see them dead in the crime scene photos feeling like a failure for not saving them. Luke reached over and held her hand as she wiped her tears with her other hand. "Its never easy when we lose victims but I know those women will be remembered because of you Garcia. You are the most caring person I know and the heart of the team. You keep us going time and time again." Penelope just stared at him with awe. After a few minutes she realized they were still holding hands and oddly she didnt want to let go. As it got later the pair reluctantly parted ways. She left him with a quick hug because if she held on longer she might not let go. Penelope spent the rest of the weekend replaying the night and actually looking forward to Monday morning. When she arrived at work she put down her purse and coat in her office and headed to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. She saw Luke talking to JJ and Spencer but as she approached with a smile Luke's eyes grew wide. Even before Penelope could say good morning Luke mumbled gotta go and quickly left. Penelope visibly deflated but quickly recovered so JJ and Spencer wouldnt ask. The snuff hurt her more than she cared to admit. "How was your guys' weekend?" JJ told her about Henry's soccer game and Spencer rambled on about a new book he read and wrote a paper on for fun. Later that morning JJ visited Penelope in her office, she leaned against Penelope's desk and asked how she was. "Fine." "Uh huh." JJ wasnt convinced. "And how was your weekend? You left before I could ask." "Fine." "Okay spill." "Its nothing." "Its not nothing." "Oh yes it is. Clearly from Luke's reaction this morning, the completely meaningless dinner we had together was nothing." "Oh sweetheart." "Please dont oh sweetheart me JJ. I know. I know that I got my hopes up and I knew it was stupid to do so yet here I am again. A guy like that would never be interested in a girl like me. Dont worry JJ, I'll be fine." "You need to talk to Luke." Before Penelope could respond her computers and her phone chimed indicating a case. Penelope gave the team the details of the case. Prominent local figures were being kidnapped, killed, and left in public areas in Phoenix, Arizona. Penelope managed to ignore Luke, even when he asked a question she answered addressing the group rather than him. Prentiss closed the meeting with the traditional order of 'Wheels up in 30'. Penelope quickly headed back to her lair but with the high heels she was wearing Luke easily tracked her down. "Hey can I talk to you real quick?" "You're on limited time Newbie." She replied not looking him. "Garcia stop. Stop please." Luke gently put his hand on her elbow halting her. "Please listen. I want to apologize for this morning." "Why? Nothing happened." "Penelope look at me." Penelope did but showed no emotion except annoyance. "I, uh, well I just wanted to say." Luke stumbled over his words and rubbed the back of his neck. "Damnit I wanted to do this better." Penelope was now confused. "Luke its fine. You better get to the jet." "No its not fine. Let me explain. I ducked out this morning because you walked in on me talking to JJ and Spencer about our date." "Our date?" "Yeah well, no I mean it wasnt a date per se but I was wondering if we could go on one? Together I mean. A date." Penelope's confusion faded away to giddiness. She'd never seen Luke Alvez so inarticulate and it was because of her! "Are you asking me out, Newbie?" "Yes." Prentiss appeared down the hall. "Alvez, let's go." Luke looked bummed but moved towards the elevators. "Dont answer yet, just think about it." Penelope was sure she looked like a fish with her mouth gaping open. Later in the day after the team landed in Phoenix she got a text from JJ. -Told you. What are you going to say? -I'm so confused. -Why? Dont you like him? -Well yes but what was going on this morning? -Penelope you're a smart girl. He was embarrassed, nervous to talk to you. Now call him and tell him you'll go out with him when we get back. Even though Penelope had trouble believing that Luke Alvez was nervous around her she took JJ's advice, well sort of. She didnt call him, but he called her pertaining to the case. After she finished answering his questions about the victims' backgrounds she stopped him from hanging up. "Wait Luke." "What no newbie?" Luke chuckled nervously. "Were you serious?" "Very serious Penelope. Why do you think I've been trying so hard to get you to like me? I loved spending time with you just us Friday night. I have to admit I wish I wouldve been much more smoother with it all." Penelope finally let out a breath and laughed. "Well that was pretty bad." She teased. "Yes it was, but I'm glad you know now. Anyway I better get back to the team." "Hey Luke." "Yeah?" "I can't wait till you get back." Penelope couldnt contain her smile. "Is that a yes?" "See you soon Luke Alvez." "See you soon Penelope Garcia."

[yenni19]

Chapter 17

They go the next day sightseeing, Sarutobi buys several souvniers for his family in the city and they take a detour to the beach, they take a walk as the sea wets thier feet

Sarutobi(looking at the horizon): its beautiful...the sea....the sunset must be amazing once the sun goes down

Akamari(next to him): it is...when I was a kid my dad would bring me and my sister here to build sandcastles and watch the sunset before we headed home

Sarutobi(smiling): you must of had a good childhood...and had alot of friends

Akamari: I wouldnt say that....here i wasnt as popular and i only had two friends Briuno and Samara my assistant...i was very quiet as a child and not good at making new friends...and was also an outcast...until i met my cousins and you....my personality started to come out and I got confident since then

Sarutobi: bullshit...theres no way...

Akamari: fine dont believe me...but its true...i still struggle with it sometimes

Sarutobi(scoffing): sorry its hard to imagine you like that

Akamari(sad): I dont expect you to...just wanted to share something I've never told anyone

Sarutobi(feeling guilty): Akamari...im sorry....i thought you were really joking

Akamari: its ok dont get upset....its just i thought we can share something about ourselves

Sarutobi(realizing): people misjudge me...and it angers me...because they think I'll lose my temper like my father...which I hate because they act nice instead of telling me how it is...or correcting me because I look like a terrifying beast. When I'm not around they talk about me saying how terrifying I look and to just be cautious of me to not anger me. Which is totaly false....I can take critisim very well because of my mother...when she gets angry she tells me how it is and doesn't sugarcoat shit...she always says it better that way to clear the air...one of the reasons my dad loved her...because they were open about things and never acted like the other shoud figure it out...if she didnt like something she told him and wasn't afraid to hurt his feelings...and he did the same letting her know about his dislikes

Akamari(amazed): wow...and I thought your mom was together with Kama-kun because she understood him and knew how to calm his anger

Sarutobi(jealous): why do you call my dad kama-kun....even when we were kids you would call him that?

Akanari: because....my mom called him that...she gave him the nickname

Sarutobi: as a form of affection....towards my dad....I wonder did my dad really loved her...more than my mother....to be honest it angers me that Kawaki loved someone more than my mom

Akamari(stopping): to be honest...you are lucky Terrubi....you have a family you can come home to...but I dont have that...I mean I love Souske and Samari very much but I feel like a stranger when I'm around them....

Sarutobi hugs her, he stays hugging her for a few minutes

Sarutobi(looking at Akamari): dont say that....ever again....you do have people who love you...I know it was a shocker to both of us to find out the truth...and its not easy for you to wrap your head around the thought...

Akamari(asking): if we forget that we are not related for a moment....no...for a whole seven days....how would you spend those seven days with me...if we forget just for seven days....and you are just Sarutobi Madra and im just Akamari Uzumaki Uchiha....two strangers that just met...what would you do with me for a whole seven days?

Sarutobi(shocked): I.....I don't have.....an answer for that....

Akamari(disappointed): forget I said anything...(walking back to the car) are you coming...?

Sarutobi(goes behind her to hug her from behind): just give me time...to answer properly.....you caught me off guard whiskers...I promise to answer you when i have the answer...I'll give you the answer you are looking for

Akamari: ok....just dont take too long to answer....I'll be holding you accountable for a response....by the end of this trip....ok

Sarutobi: ok....i will....promise

They head to the car, they drive off, they come home and shower, Akamari is the first one out and heads to the living room to watch the movie...moments later Sarutobi joins her at the couch to watch the movie with her

Sarutobi: so what's the agenda for tomorrow...?

Akamari: I'll be busy the next few days...at Jerico's training....I'll be staying there till next Monday...are you going to be ok?

Sarutobi(upset): I'll be alone for five days...?

Akamari: no...Izuke said he'll keep you comany while I train...he'll stay here with you while I'm away....is that ok?

Sarutobi(disappointed): yeah i guess...( gets up and looks at Akamari) I'm kind of tired I'm calling it a night...see you when you get back

He heads upstairs to go to bed, in the early hours of dawn Sarutobi goes for a run...he returns as the sun is rising. He goes to check if Akamari is in her room. To his surprise she's already gone, he goes to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Suddenly he hears a knock at the door....as he opens its Mariana...Akamari's neighbor

Mariana: hi...Sarutobi right...i just wanted to return the container she let me borrow...

Sarutobi: have you had breakfast yet?

Mariana: no why?

Sarutobi(offering): would you like to have breakfast with me?

Mariana: is it ok for me to be here....i don't want to intrude....

Sarutobi: no its no problem...besides Akamari went to train for a few days...she wont be back today...and i would like to get to know Akamari's neighbors

Mariana: ok i guess so

She enters and follows Sarutobi to the kitchen

Mariana(surprized): you made this...it looks delicious..and presentable

Sarutobi: my mom taught me how to cook...and when i had free time I'd get in the kitchen to practice when she wasn't home...and remember what ingredients she used on different dishes

Mariana(motivated): I know this is going to sound wierd....but here goes (looking at him egerly) do you think I can get cooking lessons from you Sarutobi?

Sarutobi(shocked): wait...you cant cook...

Mariana: honestly the last time i tried....my mom was angry and told me off horribly saying I'm a dimwit and should stick to studying

Sarutobi: I thought all moms taught thier daughters how to cook at the age of nine...

Mariana: well my mom wasn't that type of woman....and shes having a gathering and i want to prove her wrong that im more capable of being more than a usless bookworm

Sarutobi: then im in...but first lets start off with the basics(goes to the room and grabs his notebook) here learn this...its my notes they are colored corrdinated from ingredientes, seasonig, table mesures and heat temperature on different meats and meals...if its too difficult (hands her flash cards) these are examples of foods I made highlighted are the different subjects we talked about...to make it easier to understand

Mariana: thank you....well lets eat

Sarutobi(smiling): yeah lets eat

[woahwoahwoahthatsalongpost-blog]

Today has been a very rough day.

My day actually started at 11:30pm last night when i broke out in hives for the first time ever. at first i freaked out because i had no clue what they were so i ran into the bathroom where i took pictures of both my upper arms (thats where the hives were). i sent the pictures to my friend lucas because he's always up late and is educated in just about everything and his response was "oh gosh" and then nothing so you could just imagine my horror at this. i ask "oh gosh??? that doesn't sound good lucas! what does oh gosh mean?!" quickly he respons back "It's hives. take a cold shower and wash it off and then if you can, put benodryl on it." so i do this and i go to message him back and i see that in the group chat he told everyone he was going to bed so im sitting here 12am hives covering my upper arms and the person that was walking me through this is now asleep, along with my eniter family and all the other smart people i know. i stay up till 1am the hives on my left are no longer burning however the ones on my right burn more and seem to be growing. around 1:30 my best friend shawn texts me and not even paying attention to what he said i immediatly tell him what's happened and him being the good friend he is he goes and looks stuff up and is trying to calm me down. 5 minutes later he text me "so, the benodryl didnt work? have you tried ALoe?" "no, will Aloe help?" "idk let me check before you do anything." 2 minutes later i recieve a screen shot saying that Aloe can cool the hives while also relieving the burning and even help get rid of them quicker so i go and put Aloe on and it instandly stops the burning and by this time its around 2am so i sit there talking to shawn and i thank him for his help and such and then we go off in a deep ass conversation bc its 2 in the morning what else are ya gonna do right? well i end up telling him something i've never told anyone before because he's been through something similar. By 3am the hives are gone, BUT the world ain't done tourchering me yet. SO naturally mother nature is like "nah she isn't getting any sleep tonight" evil laugh i start my period and its not regualr cramping, no, its much worse. it felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing me with a knife and then twisting it all up inside my guts. This went on till 4 oclock in the morning... 4 am... im in highschool. i get up at 6 am and its fucking monday. i sleep for two hours and 30 minutes... 6:30.. i had to leave at 6:36.. i had no clean clothes either becuase i forgot to put my clothes in the dryer.. i wore sweatpants with a plain black crop top and my frizzy, curly ass hair up in a bun. i looked like a bum. I leave around 6:50 and get to school at 7:20 which gives me 10 minutes to go to my locker and then go up 3 flights of stairs and then all the way across the 5th building. i get there as the late bell rings at 7:30 phew i think to myself im sitting in my first period and half way through i can slowley feel the migraine i had for 6 days that went away just the day before returning. I couldn't take the medicine i had been before because it might've caused me to have an allergic reaction so i just have to deal with it. fast forward to 3rd period the migrine has grown painfully and in my arms where the hives where is becoming very sore and it's getting hard to focus. 4th period i decide to go home so when class changes and im supposed to go to 5th lunch i go to the clinic. they give me ice and have me sit in a chair while i wait for my grandmother to pick me up. I wait an hour because of traffic. on the way home a guy that has messaged me before hits me up. i should note that he is friends with my receant ex and he dated one of my best friends. We talk a bit and he apologizes for radomly texting me and tells me im cute. I dont want to hurt his feelings or anything so i accept the complement and then ask about him dating my friend, which he denies ever happened. i show this conversaton to shawn being a little creeped out and wondering what i should do. shawn being shawn offers to take care of the kid for me but i turn the offer down. I tell the kid im not looking for anything and would perfer if he stopped calling me cute. he says okay and coninues texting me but in a more friend like way and wanting to know more about me. i found out he is 19 and immediatly tell him that i am only 15 but he doesn't seem bothered by that. After a while the conversation between me and the kid stop and i start to focus on the converstation i am having with shawn, it seems that he feels he should have a say in the people that i date because he's overly protective and doesn't want to see me hurt. i tell him that he can have an opinnion about it of course but more than likely it wont stop me from dating someone. this angers him a lot and he ends up saying he thinks we should stop talking for a bit and that talking everyday like we have been since january is unhealth and not normal. so i've lost my guy bestfriend for a while and immediatly go to my bestfriend sarah for comfort and tell her everything, she's always one of the better parts of my day. After i talk to her eveythings pretty okay... untill i eat left over lasagna from the night before. only after about 30 minutes i spot two little spots of hives on my arm so i put Aloe on it and can pretty much assume the alleric reaction is to the lasagna. lasagna is my all time favorite food so rip me.

[toxicityyy]

#3

Write out the best or worst day of your life.

Friday October, 15, 2015

The day started off as it usually did. I woke up dreading going to school because it was a gold day. I do not exactly remember what classes I had, but i know I didn’t have Earth Space Science. I rolled out of bed 10 Minutes before my bus came and quickly got ready and brushed my teeth. I grabbed my backpack then headed out to the bus and sat a row behind my cousin I dozed off and woke up when we pulled into school.I got my bag and walked to door A looking at the ground as i walked with headphones in. I went to all my classes that day(oddly enough). After fourth block ended i made my way to door A stairs looking to say bye to AJ. She had her headphones in and was rushing out the building so she didn’t notice i had waved at her. I shrugged it off and just figured I would talk to her on Monday. I made plans to hang with some friends after school so when i got home, I packed a bag and waited for my friend Jayda to pick me up. We thought that we should go to Haci with some other friends. While we were waiting to be seated,I saw I was getting a call from Allison. Now the thing to realize is, I hadn’t talked to Allison for a long time so I was generally confused. I picked up and said hello and Allison was straight to the point and said, “AJ killed herself.” in a very serious tone. I laughed it off and asked if she was messing with me. She said no. She was serious. I quickly got quiet and started saying some stuff in denial. “No. There’s no way. No.” I began crying and halfheartedly rushed in to my friends in the Haci waiting area and told them that AJ had killed herself while crying. My friend Jen gave me a hug and then we went to sit down. The whole time i was sitting there sipping on water crying and staring off into space. Fast forward to the end of the weekend. Monday morning comes along and I had the hardest time getting out of bed.I trudged onto the bus and then into class. I didn’t end up staying long and just went to the grief room that the teacher’s nicely let us use for the time being. It was the teachers lounge btw. I don’t think they even said anything on the announcements. but i just remembered something so back to the weekend. Saturday and Sunday was a rugby tournament. I walked in half crying and went straight to my coach and told him what happened. He gave me a hug and then Warsaw’s coach came over and gave me a hug as well. He ended up calling his wife who talked to people as a grief councilor. I had decided that I didn’t want to play that day and left to grieve with classmates and close family members. I showed up and Robin(AJ’s mom) embraced me tightly and cried with me and talked to me for alittle while. I had never been in a room that has felt so heavy. My chest constantly felt heavy and i cried so much i didn’t know if i could cry any more. You could feel the energy of the room as soon as you walked in. It was the worst thing i’ve ever experienced. Back to monday. As soon as third block came around, i could notice the seriousness of the situation. Everything felt like a dream. Unreal. No, this wasn’t happening. This is NOT real life. Mr P gave me a hug and I sat down in my seat. AJ’s seat, which was in front of me, was empty. It hurt. I stared at it until a councilor came in with a piece of paper and told us to make a circle with the desks. He told us the situation and offered the grief room and all the usual school death protocol. I left the room with several people and remained in that room for a long time. Every time I tried going back to that classroom, I couldn’t. I choked. I couldnt stand sitting in that class without her. As the viewing came around, my friends kept checking up with me.When i got there and stepped out of the car, Myah asked me if i was ready and i thought i was. She told me that AJ didnt look like herself. I was preparing myself for something. I didnt know how to prepare myself for. I walked in and there was a line that seemed like a mile long of people waiting to say one of their last goodbyes to her and comfort her family. The whole time i was waiting in line, I was talking to people. Sharing good memories with others. The line finally made its way to her. I saw her and like Myah said, she didnt look like herself. She was in her clothes though. They were going to bury her as herself. The funeral was non-comparable to the viewing. It was such a sad sight to see all these people that have been affected by her death. The first time going to her grave was the hardest. I still have a really hard time going to her grave. Every time I go, its like that would is ripped open. I know that wasnt “the worst day i’ve had” but nothing has compared to this experience. The first year was hard. It’s still hard. I love you to the moon and back, AJ. I miss you so much. 

[pbandjesse]

I actually got some art done today! Or at least started. Im tired and looking forward to bed. I really needed all that sleep I got last night. It made today a little easier. I got up at 630 this morning. And while I was sore, I wasn’t miserable. I got dressed and had toast and took the trash out. I got my bus and had a nice ride to work. We did get stuck down the street for a few minutes because a guy tried to pretend to be a student when he was clearly a grown man so he could get the student rate and the driver threw him off. He wanted his $1 back and she refused and we were just stuck while they argued. But I was still on time for work. It was a normal morning. Cleaning things. Found out that on Monday I’ll be making a round trip 6 your drive to pick up a piece. Fun. I did a bunch of organzing of the carts. Helped Laura find the next jobs were working on. It was good. I had lunch a little early so me and Mike could work on the frame wall! While I was at lunch I got an email that mcad is going to do a write up for my locker gallery show and I’m super excited. I will share the link when it goes up. Once Mike and me sorted out the frames I added brackets to all the frames while Mike drilled into the brick wall. He thought I would be upset if he did the whole job but honestly my arm still really hurts when I have it over my head so I would rather just be an assistant for him. So it all worked out. He hung stuff, and I worked on organizing the rest of room. I went through all our cleaning and fixing supplies and tried to make it into a better, more functional space. I think it threw Laura off a bit, people like things a certain way, but we compromised and I think it will all work better now. Put all the extras into the metal cabinet. Then we spent way to much time trying to move all the furniture to make a better work area since Niky is gone. We had some problems but I think we found a good layout for now. Mike felt burned out and didnt want to finish the frames today. So we got everything organized and cleaned up. And then the day was over. I caught the early bus. I got home and had pasta. And then I worked on some art. I found some reference images of Victorian spaces in paintings. Much like my undergrad work. And did some sketches. Look at photos of lighting. I cut out some boxes. Very small. I love using my bandsaw but I really need ear protection. But still. I got them started and I feel really excited. I got a call to reorder my Enbrel. The woman on the phone was so nice and helpful and understanding of how worried and anxious I’ve been about my insurance. She was wonderful. Really made me feel better. I took a long bath. I could hear my neighbor in the laundry room almost the whole time which I only note because I sing in my studio all the time and I hope I give some of my neighbors a good laugh. I’m just chilling in my studio now. My allegies are bothering me a bit so I’m going to take soenhting and get some sleep. I gope you all have a good night. Be safe.

[lettersfromitaly]

10/14/17-10/27/17

so many days to go over and I don’t even remember half of them.

So saturday i went to this museum that was super boring and over priced. There was literally one room and i also found out after i went that i was going there with my class on tuesday rip. But under the museum was a special traveling exhibit that held works from Hokusai and his students. Seeing Japanese art was just a really nice break from all the old renaissance art I had been seeing. There were a lot of people there because it was opening weekend but i got to skip the line because i bought my ticket somewhere else. After that I went back to school and made dinner with a few friends. 

monday was a really boring day. All i did was go to class and do some homework 

tuesday I went to class at the museum i went to on saturday. i got my exam back and i did well on it. During that class we went to the Pantheon as well. I couldn’t go to dinner that night because I had the night shift so i stayed in and made dinner by myself. 

On wednesday i had class then i feel like i did something after that but i can’t remember but i did FaceTime Brittany and Luna.

Thursday i went to St. Peter’s Basilica and had class there. It is a really amazing place to be in and everything was so pretty. Also normally my religion class is on campus but that day was at a church which we tour then we went to dinner with our professor which was weird but also nice. I got an omelet and fries lol.

Friday i had to get up at 7 to leave for this Eat Love Pray excursion. We went to the region Umbria. There were only 20 of us who went. On friday we hunted fro truffles through the forest with this old and his dog. It was really fun and cute. Then we went to his house where his wife and friends made us lunch and it had like four course and every single on had truffles in it. And let me tell you i was very grateful for it but i freaking hate truffles RIP. It was a real struggle but i ate everything. Then drive for about an hour and got to this woman’s bed and breakfast where we stayed. It was on this giant hill and i almost died on the drive up. We stayed in mini apartments with four people to an apartment. It was just really relaxing and peaceful. That night the woman did a cooking class for us and it was lot of fun. We got to cook everything we ate. Also she has two dogs and couple cats and they are all adorable. Then six of us in the group played cards until like 1 in the morning. 

Saturday we got to sleep in until lunch which was at 12. And of course my roommates had to wake me up at 1130 so we wouldnt be late. They were all surprised I could sleep that long i dont know why people underestimate my sleeping abilities. Then the woman made us all lunch which was pasta and salad. Then we left for the chocolate festival which was about 30 minutes away. There was SO much chocolate because we were able to get free samples. There were so many people there too and there was this giant piano made out of chocolate. We were there for like 5 hours which is way too long lol. Then we went to this restaurant which was probably my least favorite restaurant we have been to so far. The food wasn’t that great and the people who i was sitting next to were really trying my nerves. Then we got back to the bed and breakfast and played more cards.

Sunday we had to get up early to leave for Assisi. It was really cold and rainy that day and we were on a hill so the wind was blowing hard so it was a bit of struggle to pay attention during our tour but the city/town/lol i don’t know but was so cute and really unnecessarily hilly. We went to mass at St. Francis Basilica where we had our own room and the priests who went on this trip with us gave the mass. Then we just wondered around Assisi. We got lunch and gelato and gossiped lol. Then on our bus ride back i noticed we were moving really slow. And we found out that they told our chaperones that the bus was broken the moment we got on the bus but all their buses were booked so we would have to use the broken bus. But in the last hour of our trip we got on a new bus at a rest stop. When we got back to school i did some homework then went to bed. 

Monday I think all i did was go to class and do homework. I got a midterm back that i also did well on. 

Tuesday was just a MESSSS. First i had work in the morning so that was just startling and boring. We had a class off campus that day and we ended up being 45 minutes to class because i was stupid and listened to people who had no idea where they were going. I listened to them because they said they knew where they were going and i figured it was better to stay in a group. But eventually i ended up calling the professor to figure out where she was and then people started to argue with me about if we were waiting for her in the right place. I WAS SO DONE. It was definitely one of the worst days so far. But for the end of class we went inside the Colosseum and the sun was setting so everything was so pretty. Then we went out to dinner that night. 

Wednesday wasn’t the best day either. Our italian partners came to visit and it was really frustrating because we have to do this project with them but only my school’s students were given the worksheet and directions so everything was in English and none of partners did any work at all. They were on their phones the whole time. Even the other girl in my group from my school randomly stopped doing work and i was just so ready to fight someone it was awful. But then they left and my friend dragged me out of my room and we went shopping together. I was really happy she did that because its a nice reminder that we are living in ROME and i just can’t let people like that ruin part of my time here. Then that night i ate dinner and played cards. 

Thursday wasn’t better either lol. It really wasn’t my week. I had been studying and practicing this presentation i had to give on Thursday since Sunday. Like I was so ready for it but also nervous because the class it was for is really hard and i needed all the good grades i could get. So our class that day was at the Vatican Museums and my professor changed the time of the class from 830 to 800 which mean that i had to get up in the five o'clock hour in order to be there on time. We get there and my professor is talking about what we are specifically doing during that class but she doesnt mention anything about going to the building where my painting is in so I’m getting a little nervous but i try not to make it a big deal. Eventually after our break we made our way to that building and long story short everyone gets to do their presentation but me because we were already a half an hour over class time and apparently staying for 7 extra minutes wasn’t an option. I was really upset and honestly I’m still upset because i will have to do it next week when i already have another presentation to do that same day. We got back to campus had lunch and went to class. It was boring we watched a movie. Then my friends and i sprinted to dinner after class because i had to work the night shift. I tried to go to dinner once before when i had to work the night shift and i ended up being late for work so trying to go to dinner is always a gamble. But it was an awful day and i just wanted some decent food so I decided to go with them. I ended up having to come back to school by myself because everyone was still eating but i made it back in time. A few of my friends came down to my desk and we talked and made the time pass a little quicker. 

Friday i didnt do anything because ALL transportation within in the city was shut down so i just stayed in with some friends. I watched netflix and played cards. Then we made dinner together. 

[rominatrix]

I missed it. 3 hours and 17 minutes ago, 10 years ago, the doctor was calling me inside an office to tell me that my dad has passed away. I kind of still remember that moment, I was trying to keep it together and putting on a cold mask, trying to be rational and don’t start crying right there. I remember saying “i don’t know what to do now, what do i do know?... i can’t believe it... i just can’t... this can’t be happening” on repeat. I remember the doctor was trying to be sympathetic telling me they couldn't do anything else to save him and I kept agreeing with him. I told him that we brought him with an ambulance full speed the night before because his fever was too high and nothing could bring it down and I can remember there was some music playing on the radio in the ambulance and the siren was loud too and i was touching my dad’s chest and i could hear his breathing and it was an awful noise. It was hard, it was difficult for him to breathe and he was hurting so bad because the cancer had spread all over, inside his bones and the meds he was talking weren’t strong enough. 

I kept seeing people’s faces from the ambulance window and they would look at the ambulance, but they couldnt see inside of course. I wished I was them. Not having to go through this thing that was happening to us. They would go on with their friday night, and my dad was suffering! How dare they!! Why US?!

I thought it was all over again: taking dad to the hospital, him staying for a month or two, us fighting with those nurses that don’t like their job because they are not paid well and they are overworked, fighting with everything and everyone, being exhausted beyond belief and feeling like i couldn’t do enough. Getting upset that my dad wouldn’t recognise ME or wouldn’t drink water or wouldn’t take his meds or his IV would come off because he moved or his diaper wasn’t properly set and it would be a mess. I remember feeling the worst human being in the world for being angry at him. I wasn’t the one with the constant intolerable pain. I didn’t know what was going on in his mind because he couldn’t talk by then. And eventually going back home, and taking care of him with our still limited resources and no money because the person who sustained the house economically was lying in bed just barely there. 

But it wasn’t like that on that cold July 14th, 2007. I remember the night before I got home late because there was a big project we had to finish by monday. I got home and a nurse and she was panicking because his fever wouldn’t lower and my mother didnt know what to do. I told the nurse to go. She was not helping, in fact the opposite. She was being negative af and I didn’t need that right now. She was always so pessimistic and i hated that. I needed someone to calm me down not the opposite. I can’t remember when the ambulance arrived and getting there and talking to the doctor about this nurse and of course retelling the last year and a half of our lives that had been turned upside down. I stayed there for a bit. There was nothing I could do so I said good bye. I was caressing him and telling him he looked lovely and that it was okay. It was okay if he had to leave. That i didn’t want him to suffer anymore and it was okay, that he was endured a lot already. I told him I was going to miss him so much, so much. I would miss everything. That I was sorry that I yelled at him, that I was angry that he was so sick. But that i love him so much. I told him that and then kissed him, tucked him in with the blankets from home, caressed him again, and left. I walked, it was so cold and walked until i got to the bus stop that was very far away. Saw a neighbour there and talked and tried not to cry. I can’t remember that night but i usually used that opportunity when I was alone to cry. 

The next morning we went to the hospital. There was no news. We saw him, touched him. The told us to leave so we went to have breakfast and then I just felt that I had to go ahead first before my mum and brother as they waited to pay. The doctor saw me, the told us they have been looking for us. And that was it. 

I has eating breakfast while my dad was dying. Alone. 

I was angry for a long time and i still sort of am with myself. I was a bit angry at him for being a bloody doctor and not taking care of his fucking prostate knowing damn well about prostate cancer. He just had to keep on working because all of us needed him. I was angry at myself because of that too. I was angry because i got angry at him. I was angry because other people still have their dads. I was angry because of so many things. And now I am still angry because i can’t force myself to visit him at the cemetery. I can’t. I was there when my grandma died 7 years ago and she is buried next to him and we visit him then. But never again. I can’t do it. 

I just miss you so fucking much. I just want to know the you in the future. I want to show you youtube videos, i want to watch hours and hours of netflix with you, there are so many shows you’d love. I want to have a coke with you after work. I want to see you when I wake up late on a sunday and smell the tangerines you loved to eat so much while I kiss your cheek good morning. I want you to be happy that i might be going to London as you tried to help me achieve back then. I want you to try the food i’m making nowadays. I want you to eat sushi, i want you to tell me that i look nice, nobody tells me that anymore dad, nobody. I feel so selfish for missing you this way. I’m sorry.

I love you dad, i will always wonder if you knew. 

[sunshineonamission-blog]

January 30th Wednesday 1:38AM

So basically Tuesday

Do i even remember this morning

This morning I woke up and I was just so. Tired. So tired. Like hard to move in a literal way. 

It was either this morning or yesterday - I think yesterday but when I went to open my blinds to let the light in it was like blue. Maybe that was Monday. Anyway.

Last night I slept in the dark with the door completely closed and the kitchen light off. I guess there was nothing scary to me about the dark anymore.

This morning I took a painful shower and I got dressed in my lined mom jeans that I’ve been avoiding and my grey turtleneck, and my denim jacket. I knew I’d sweat through the turtleneck. I was in denial. I packed a bag. I made some tea. I put my last lara bar in my pocket. I walked to Ryder. 

Meeting with Jesse at 8:45. Was amazing. 

I blabbed and he actually made sense of it. 

So. Sounds like you like to make shit. 

Yeah. 

If you wanna do the new york thing and pound the pavement for a while you can. If you want to stay in boston... you can. 

“I’m not fuckin corporate Northeastern. I want what’s best for you”

“You have permission to act. To be a theatre artist.”

“I give you permission to not know what you’re doing right now.”

- Summer. Berkshire Theatre Co. or Shakespeare & Co. or work and make money and “make a bunch of shit. get your friends. --> his best man runs Shakes, he used to run Berkshire: “it’s... grueling. if you wanna kinda pay your dues and train...”

- Fall. As many studio classes as possible. Acting 2. 

- Playwriting, Directing, movement at some point, voice& speech, viewpoints

- He said I could get into movement right now. Ugh. Yesterday was the last day to drop a class without “withdrew” on transcript. 

- If I wanna do a BFA program and just grind it out and wear black every day and be in a conservatory setting I can- probably not gonna be this year. That’s okay.

- MFA is an option. Maybe not recommended unless you have a trust fund or a strong desire to teach

- “Your makeup as a human being seems right. To be an actor. You have a seriousness but also a goofiness. You need both.”

“For the sake of your health, just maybe breathe...”

“You have time.”

“I know a lotta actors who direct. My wife does. I know directors who act sometimes.”

It’s weird right. You’re here for theatre and surrounded by like. STEM majors. They’re robots. 

Keep the conversation going when I need to. 

Advice for acting & life: don’t wait for someone to teach you. don’t wait to be instructed. If the opportunity arises to learn and do, do something. 

Kick ass in acting tomorrow. 

“you’re okay. You’re in the right place. in terms of like. mindset”

I was really just beaming walking outta there. I was excited. I changed into the acid wash jeans and too tight flowery converse and acadia sweatshirt and made my way to curry while i scarfed down the lara bar

Had like 15 minutes so I sat and researched summer programs a little. Obviously he said berkshire was grueling sooo that’s where I wanna go.  - must do more research and maybe a second more soul searching and then just start prepping

Okay shop for 4 hours. Climbed scaffolding. Super grateful Julia Chase a normal human being was there.  Mätthew’s nice and it’s fine. I hate Jenny. Jeanie. Whatever her name is. And that other kid whose name I don’t remember but he has an absurdly low voice and a beard and he’s tall and he’s stupid. I apologize for the strong language. Ultimately I don’t hate them I just like can hardly stand being around them because they’re just so cringey and rude and like the combo makes me want to go off. It makes me wanna be like yo. Jennie. I know. And stop holding the screw while you drill. That’s why you keep bleeding. But we got a lot done and especially when it was just me julia and matthew i really did like save the day with my ideas several times. fun! draining though and hadnt eaten in like a while besides the lara bar

Home. Was gonna research summer while eating my ubereats smoothie bowl because Jugos closed at 5 and it was like 3 and i wanted to sit and eat and research. No thank u Bgood u are a heartbreak at the moment. 

Accidentally didnt put in my address for ubereats. What was in there was Park Plaza. Mhm. Ow. I called to fix my mistake but it was already on the way. 3 miles away. via bike. Angry ubereats biker. 

I went to atm at MARINO and got money out, crying, came back, waited. Called mom weeping. He got here. He was biking away. What? I said hey excuse me he said “it dropped. It fuckin dropped. Im sorry okay you wont get charged it dropped.” I made him take $10 and apologized for the mistake and he said he was sorry for freakin out, sorry for making me cry. He made me think of Maddie Dinsmore. SO, MUCH. He said you’re a female I’m sorry I hate making girls cry and I said oh no trust me you didnt. I said the address I sent it to by accident was just a place I was at with my boyfriend like a month ago and we just broke up and I never order ubereats but i was really hungry so it made me cry.

And he said youre obviously hungry and you didnt even get your food and offered to go get me something from nearer by. He said he was moving to california on friday. I gave him the $10 and said no no that’s fine but good luck in California.

 I don’t know why I felt the need to overshare to this stranger. I think it was two things. One was that I saw someone who felt very badly and who’d just biked 3 miles and who wasnt getting paid for it. I am a decent liar sometimes. When it seems like the right thing to do. Or at least I have been. But I’m so fuckin done with that. Not a bone in my body had the capacity in that moment to say oh no it’s not you I totally just bombed a test I literally just didn’t have it in me. But I didn’t want this person to have any guilt or sadness from today. So I just told the truth. Because yeah he was mad and it made me cry but ultimately it wouldn’t have if not for the circumstances. Because the circumstances made me feel stupid and like essentially I started feeling well enough to eat and okay enough not to be scared to eat or to at least be brave enough to leap that hurdle and the universe said fuck you. You should be hurting. And you tried to eat and this is what happens. I don’t believe that to be true. It’s just how it felt in the moment. 

And I’m also just so heartbroken and it couldnt hurt to tell this person that I’ll never see again, who could judge me if he wanted but whose judgment would ultimately have no bearing on my life

Back inside. Back in bed. Talked to mom. 

Made eggs. 

Ew.

Felt super anxious

In bed totally checking daniel’s snap map and thinking he was auditioning. 

I’m so glad he’s auditioning. 

I wonder if he knew that he could’ve auditioned last week. 

I texted him when he was out and asked. He did. I’m glad. 

We talked for a while. I said more than usual. I dont put the screenshots of texts here because we don’t need to torture ourselves. 

I told him I just wanted him to be happy. He asked if id gone to any parties which blew me away because of course not. 

I told him about miss you like hell

I told him about my ubereats experience

I told him I was scared

I asked if it had to be til we were 25 to come back around

I said I wanna take it back

He said he was gonna marry me

He asked if I was okay

He knows.

He told the boys it’s only me he’s dating ever

I miss him like hell

My heart doesnt beat the same without you

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in) 

Ryder. Piano and singing and writing a song. Curry. HW with mia, my creative dna

Library w max ben maddie riana 

ava had stopped at max’s lobby cause she was scared of a sketchy van so when i left i walked with max to ava so that we could walk home together. 

Ava thinks she gets it but she doesn’t. I appreciate it but she doesn’t. 

I’m in bed. This is a no teeth no face wash night but it’s okay because no makeup today 

I’m very tired and it’s 2:16 now and time to go to sleep 

Goodnight