sunshineonamission-blog

[sunshineonamission-blog]

long time no see

but some random thoughts 

March 19th 12:24 pm I’m sitting in the theatre office outside Jesse’s door because the table is full and I’m kinda trying to write my actor critique paper due tomorrow but im also kinda not trying very hard at all... for some reason I just wanna buy some clothes and bathing suits and call it a day....

I weight 126 pounds?

I weighed myself yesterday for the first time since January of 2018 when I had a doctor’s appointment and I weighed 140 

It’s just kinda crazy since I thought I weighed 140 and that the last time I weighed 126 was I think my freshman year of high school. Very interesting.

anywho 

I love being vegan I feel amazing

I love doing these exercise classes - sometime’s it’s wicked hard to be so sore and goin at another one early in the morning but I’m pretty proud of myself. 

AND i’m getting abs

and my legs look the same except for a little bitta quad starting and that’s alright cause in general my self confidence about my physical appearance is High at the moment. 

Is it bad that I fully am hoping Daniel comes to three sisters on a night he has time to come over after and is it bad that I fully wanna rip his clothes off and have his hands on me??? IS THAT BAD? I miss him.

AnyWAY I’m setting myself up for such the allnighter and im not even mad about it at the moment causeeeee whatever. sleep is important but i cannot focus on this paper and life goes on

THOUGHT: some time I’m just gonna be like yo. Peri and Elise. Let’s go do X. And it’s gonna be fun. . . . .... I have to come up with something since I’m SUPER not gonna be like let’s get ice creammm but idek if that’s their vibe anyway. 

ooh update! Peri just walked over I wanna be friends: 

I WANT MY SEX IN THE CITY FRIENDS give me people who get it

also peri just made me feel better about this paper i have to zoom in on one scene. okay. 

Maybe we can go to the beach

Picnic beach it? HMMMM stay a night

I wanna do that w Al and my friends!

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Thursday, Feb 7

And it worked! 

Cloudy cold daylight woke me at like 6:47 even tho I went to bed at like 1 

managed to get myself up and into leggings and my leon tee and to Studio A at Marino by 8am

It was really nice. I was perfectly capable of it. It didn’t kick my ass as hard as I thought it would and sure I need more than that if I wanna sculpt my body... but a start is a start. And i’m so proud of myself for going honestly and I’m gonna definitely try to do that every thursday because it was the perfect timing and it really just allowed me to wake up and sweat and focus on myself and breathe for a second. Plus! Not a wasted morning! 

Home to shower and get ready. Ate my protein oatmeal. Raining today. Went to intro with vaguely wet hair - we discussed marat-sade. so interesting (It was RSC by the way) 

Then women’s - Dan taught the class today. I totally just organized my desktop and like looked at things to do for our cousins daytrip but Dan was literally a better teacher sorry Margot. AND THEN DISCUSSION LED BY STUDENTS. SO. BASICALLY. TODAY WAS ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL. AND I REALIZED I AM 

P A S S I O N A T E. About birth control. 

- the fact that such undue burden of preventing pregnancy falls to women --> lack of male birth control, etc.

- THE EXPECTATION THAT WOMEN ARE ON IT. THE SHAME THAT WOMEN ENCOUNTER FROM DOCTORS ETC. IE MY DOCTOR. 

- SLUT SHAMING WOMEN FOR USING PLAN B. One girl said she went to buy it and the guy at CVS said “You know condoms are a lot cheaper.” You have no. fucking idea why she needs this, for one thing so you had better fucking Pray that this girl hasnt had a traumatic experience, but this is stressful and embarrassing enough without that comment. And uh. I’m sorry did your sexual partner pay for your birth control? So why the fuck are you responsible for condoms? This girl said her mom said her problem with plan b is that it erases all consequences of sex. you don’t even have to think about the consequences. And I said no Im sorry. I don’t know why sex has to have consequences. I think that culturally we have moved past sex having consequences seeing as we do have birth control and condoms and all of these preventative measures. The idea is certainly not that sex Should have consequences. But shit happens. Condom breaks. He doesn’t pull out in time. You miss a pill one day  and you get worried. Shit happens. There should be no shame in being careful.

At some point I said sorry What the FUCK. And the whole class laughed even Dan who lowkey put his face in his hands sorry Dan hahaha I was LIVID. At the end of the class the girl sitting next to me said “I love you.” and during the class this other girl said “I’m sorry I don’t even know you’re name but YEAH.” hahahahahahahaHA. 

Then shop. Changed into gross clothes which I’ll now be leaving there. 

Was so tired. Nothing real to do, too many cooks, ugh ugh ugh, so sucky today. The set is ugly idk why it looks like that. Belly REALLY hurt. Then home. Walked thru Richards to smell the dunks which hurt. I still haven’t ordered it. 

Ate yogurt when I got home then some fruit which helped 

I think I’m still dehydrated but i am Drinking water!

okay Mia soon we will see how it goes. rrr

PS We’re roadtripping for one day to Brattleboro VT me al Jess Jacob on March 2 and I wanna see a shitty basement folk show. 

the sundance film festival starts today. Daniel auditions sasturday. He was supposed to come down friday night. Everything about that hurts. A date I never asked him on.  

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Wednesday 

Up early to write up poetry

Made first vegan yogurt smoothie not bad

(I’M SO GRUMPY AS I TYPE THESE UP THURSDAY NIGHT THAT IT’S MAKING IT SOUND LIKE I HAVE BEEN GRUMPY ALL WEEK WHEN IN REALITY I HAVENT BEEN THAT BAD)

I felt like I was dressed as so many eras of myself this day. I had purple leggings which I’ve never really worn but bear resemblance to the ones I wore during Spring Awakening and Much Ado and then promptly swore off of after seeing those photos where I simply looked butass naked. I was wearing my jean jacket, Later style, a white turtleneck, my new $7 fake white lowtops which have a similar vibe as my converse I lost... so .... mid to late senior year, my new green bandana which is simultaneously new and OLD. My new water bottle which is the one from shakespeare. My new scarf which I wore to Boston and got all over daniel’s clothes which makes me think of my junior year scarf wearing. All around... Yeah I wish Daniel coulda seen me. Hopefully he looks at my VSCO but I kinda doubt it he’s not as crazy as me

then class. intro, acting, thtr@NU, poetry

intro we watched marat/sade which was SO MUCH. Brecht&Artaud for a sneaky sneaky combo of grotesque brilliance

Acting we did bad acting which I didn’t do big enough then we got our Scenes and I’m playing claire with Marie as catherine in proof for our first scene

I stayed to ask Jesse about summer - BTG used to be 30 and not singing so he’s confused and cant really help me get in cause he burned that bridge  - Shakespeare&co is cool and I should make it my top priority and he can help me - NETC is worth looking into (big auditions)

Thtr@NU was baby pictures

what do i see in that little weirdo riding a bike with stickers on her face? - determination. drive. creativity. focus.  - I wanna be like her when I grow up

When did I unlearn that I can do anything? 

Poetry was whatever as always. 

Then I walked to by CHLOE and called mom about rooming and mia and how I dont want to room with her / she’s been a really bad friend. She’s made me feel so judged about wanting to transfer, she’s essentially gloated about Daniel and I breaking up and was not supportive in any way during the worst week of my LIFE when I was so sad, it basically felt like her whole vibe was like.. are u done being a pussy yet. I’m really not an idiot. I’m really not. For any reason. I’m kind and I’m smart and I am making conscious choices about my life. Yes I’m a mess. But I have a mom. And I deserve to be a mess. But I’m not a child and I’m not stupid and I really do not need to be condescended to. 

I have to be honest with her before I blow up at her

She texted me why dont u love me I miss u betch and I felt bad we are talking thursday .

by CHLOE is a wonderland I got that taco salad thing and a matcha latte with oatmilk and it was so yummy and I wanna live there. Super loud but that’s okay - pretty empty 

Stayed til it closed at 9 working on my resume and things

It was pouring. Ran to target. Tried on clothes bought more bars and vitamins and things I thought of I needed. 

On my way out, an at-least-30 year old man came up to me with a scarce beard and a strange accent and said “Hello. I was just talking to my friend and I mentioned that I like you and she said I should come over here and talk to you so I’m doing that. So can I take you out for coffee some time?” And I said “I’m only 18 and I have a boyfriend but I’m flattered you’re very nice have a nice night” and jetted. So much for not lying.. but saying you have a boyfriend is generally a safe way to go bc guys like respect other guys more than women so if ur someone else’s property they’re less likely to mess with you AND then their egos aren’t hurt so u don;t get knifed on the streets of boston

It was still pouring so I ubered home and the uber driver was this very young hip black man in a turtleneck and he asked how my night was and I described the encounter I’d just had and he said he felt like guys had to tow the line and now and I said honestly I always feel like I’m walking a thin line because no matter what a guy says to me even if it’s rude I feel like I can’t be rude back or even fully stand up for myself without putting myself in danger. And he was BLOWN AWAY by that. So random but a woke convo on my 8 minute uber ride home.

uh

Into my room

Mia came over and like whatever lounged around I think? WAIT. No that was wednesday. Yesterday I just went home and read some womens and talked to Jesse for a sec and then went to sleep I think - oh and ate my new halo top... no more devon... registered for barre and went to sleep with window open hoping sunlight would wake me cause I took melatonin

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Tuesday.

woke at 10:01. Needing to shower, and to already be at build. So i emailed matthew, got in the shower, went to the bookstore to get awful bar&chia pudding squeeze thing and roll up to shop at like 11:10. 

I painted in the studio theatre on a very tall ladder alone for 4 hours listening to music knowing that the patriots parade was in boston and daniel was most certainly there and feeling pain in my chest

It was like 60 degrees outside

I was there til after 3:30.

Then went to see Jill& Chiara and get my transcript and sweatshirt and give hugs.

Then home to do nothing for a second and be mopey. 

I changed into a springy and cute outfit? i dont even know that it was but I had this feeling like... Daniel is in Boston and while I won’t run into him and while it would actually rip my heart out to run into him and then like awkwardly continue on our own ways... rip my heart out... I was like somewhere in my heart hoping I would run into him looking all cute cause holy moly I miss him 

Took myself to whole foods for my first vegan shopping spree. Bought $97 worth of exciting groceries. So exciting.

Did I have dinner? I simply do not remember. But I did eat a tub of halo top and predictably pass tf out. 

I don’t remember anything else at the moment 

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Monday

Dressed weird but kinda liked it. 

I’m simply not gonna remember the details 

but intro, womens, poetry. 

I’m behind in poetry write ups and chapter readings and I space out in womens 

I think I then took myself to Bgood where I had the southwest chili lime bowl and looked into summer programs and emailed Jesse. 

Then Beanpot. Would’ve been fun if I liked my friends. Not that I dislike my friends. They’re just not fun. Especially Max. God. I was on the end next to max and first and I literally had to move. I love them all but they are so boring. So boring so boring so boring. 

We won

BU vs NEU chants were funny

T home was so crowded 

I said I wanted to be trashed before the next game and mia said “I don’t wanna be near you. I don’t wanna be responsible for you.” LMAO. 

I don’t know I think I went home and went to bed?

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Pod Save the Queen

(Still Sunday)

Writing at 12:15am Monday

I didn’t feel like I belonged per se, BECAUSE they are all so in it together there and I just am not a part of that but

The energy in that room was so supportive and so There For every artist

And those theses were just brilliant honest collaborative painful funny wow

And so. Distinctly. Personal. It was like each one of them without a doubt could say I have an idea of Who I Am. And this is how I make art.

Thomas was beautiful. He was a beautiful actor and he was like just in his vibe and not trying to be anything else. Really cool

I didn’t linger to say hi cause like mostly SOT emotions needing to happen I think.

Walked sketchy way to Em’s apartment

It was good and I really love her. In some ways I feel like I just don’t and won’t ever know how to interact with her anymore. I feel some need to prove myself? and it’s not because of her.

Walked a long ass sketchy way down her dark Allston street to the bus stop and chased down the bus only to have it not stop for me but good news I realized it was the wrong bus when I saw the right bus zoom by on the other side of the Boston busy double road which I ran across and ran to the other bus which happened to be at a red light and clambered on

Some things that stuck with me:

We’re acting like life is a means to an end but it’s not a Journey To a Place. It’s like music. You don’t play music to get to the end you don’t play it to get to a special part you just play.

There is no shame in acknowledging darkness inside of you or in your past. It is the reason I am Joyful now. (Acknowledging it making peace with it)

And there is nothing wrong with you.

writing now from Thursday... yeah while I was writing ^ i missed my bus stop after having to chase down the bus in the first place, ended up at an almost empty orange line stop which wouldve taken me to ruggles and the train just wasn’t coming. So I ubered. Got home at 12:50 totally worn out but c’est la vie. 

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Sunday February 3rd

Woke early then fell back asleep

Had a vivid dream that I was walking Daniel’s street loop with Ian Lobo? Really weird it was like for some reason I had to? And then I got on the subway. And then something about Daniel. And then I woke up and it was 11:19 and i’d already missed the workshop and i ran into mom and dad’s room weeping and yelling except then I actually woke up and it was like 8:30 am. 

Hard to get up. But eventually did. Got all my plays and clothes I wanted and some jewelry and whatnot all collected. 

9:45 hit the road with dad

I love car rides with dad I literally love them. We had so so many on the way from ballet on the way to school on the way to lowell and we’re so similar in how we like to talk and I just really love it. 

We parked at Wentworth field’s parking lot and I brought my stuff up (mom had bought and packed me curtains to keep the heat in my room) and then said bye

I went to my room and by the way looked super cute today in my prague leggings (who knew) and my new gray sweater and my new white converse sneaks 

Rushed through acts 3&4 and jotted down questions, then hustled to the workshop. 

We first had MOVEMENT WITH VIKTOR. I thought this would mean like,,, you know,,, movement. It meant dance. It meant complicated and very cool dance combo which is long - and then doing it in small groups.

So I went to the front row and struggled through it and went in the first group and practiced on the side and aggressively tried to learn and do and it wasn’t amazing but it wasn’t atrocious and I am sufficiently proud of myself for how I did --> no big but Viktor was the star of Boston Ballet and his wife was the prima. He is another very Russian man. Now he’s a well respected and known choreographer. 

Then we discussed our questions and thoughts about the play with Igor. Then we read again. 

I was Masha again and I see now that that was basically never not the case... I think. 

Matt was Kulygin and really funny. really funny. like he was bad as vershinin and good in this role. Zeke was Vershinin. Not that great but Vershinin is like pretty boring honestly and it should be good. 

honestly this play is so heartbreaking and so fucking funny and I’m so excited and IGOR IS PHENOMENAL AND SO ARE VIKTOR AND JAKOV THIS IS GOING TO BE. SO. COOL. YAY

umm

home. 

breath. 

Tatte for dinner. 

The walk there was full of a weird like anxious joy??? idek. My face is super flushed though I know that check out that pic. PS I’ll fix my hair part at.. some point. 

Oh. basically Bill Maher last night was talking about the climate and how dire the situation is and the biggest way to reduce carbon footprint is to stop eating meat. So. Vegan. I’m vegan. I’ll eat eggs occasionally when I need some protein or whatever. 

And that’s that... 

had the winter farro bowl and it was Filling

I guess I’m seeing Thomas’s thesis tonight but I’m terrified im gonna see Mr towers there and I also like am nervous to go in general without Em? but I’m going cause I said I would. I think I;m gonna go home and change. 

that’s all for now

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Saturday, February 2nd

uh? 

woke? lateish but like in time? 

Got ready for workshop - couldn’t wear my rosé soaked leggings from the night before so wore my kinda stretched out old navy leggings and my black turtleneck because... I am addicted to that sweater

Ryder 372 by 11:45

First an exercise of walking around the space and stopping at the same time as the ensemble without any sort of cue - hard. cool. had to stop in front of people and find ~something you could fall in love with~ about them. Igor is definitely brilliant. 

Then we read through the play. I was masha matt was vershinin and dan lutz who wasn’t there was kulygin. Read first 2 acts and talked about the play and I love Igor and it was just really fun. 

Then Jakov came in for the music portion. 

I went first and played the piano and just the first two pages of Paderewski, without repeats. When I finished, other people literally said “I don’t actually play the piano” and that felt so cool. 

Jakov said how about sightread? And I said not my strong suit.... and he put a hard looking, notes bold and close together, piece of music in front of me, and I said no.... and he played the first few notes and I was like no way I’ve played through this and I played really well and he said “perfect very good. 12 years of playing hmm? very good”

Other people played various instruments, turned into a singalong at times, then we went home.

I told Keely about Daniel 

I went home for a sec and changed into my flowery dress and orange sweater then dad picked me up so we could go to Janet’s bday dinner. 

That was lovely it was so nice to see Janet and Eric 

when al walked into the restaurant I immediately started to cry 

gave her a hug and kept my cool

had bad salmon and good mini dessert thing

They got me socks that say fuck off Im reading and that’s hysterical

bathroom with janet I accidentally was really negative about prague... but pointed out that I’ve learned a lot about what I need to work on in my life. 

then LLBEANE with everyone briefly. God I want Eric to have self confidence so badly. 

Burlington mall for like an hour before it closed with Al - bought a new dry brush - she’s so amazing she was like just hyping me up and she also got some cute clothes 

I got some rehearsal sweaters and fake white $7 converse at primark and a dress

then we went to walgreens for snacks then home

Littleton road? Vose Road? my driveway? Daniel. Daniel.

Five-0 on the couch with the fam

Then this is us with mom til 2am

Just really wanted him to see I was home and text me

texted daniel I was home 

fell asleep 

[sunshineonamission-blog]

still writing in retrospect from sunday.. 

Friday, February 1st 

By the way. There was this moment in the elevator on the way from max’s house to rubenstein (we thought on thursday night we were hanging out at west f but plans changed) when it was february 1st and I was just devastated. February. The first month of the last 16 that I haven’t been with Daniel. 

Anyway. Friday. 

I woke up so disheveled and could. Not . Get. Up. Couldn’t. Had work to do? Couldn’t wake up. finally did. Got ready to go, speed read thru my acting article at home and then at ryder before class- got most of it. 

Acting - the contentless scenes - well received, but we needed way more specificity. 

Then I ran to wollaston’s and bought it. The water bottle I’d seen. The one, gray, cracked water bottle I’d seen like the day after we broke up. The exact weird thing I had during Much Ado. That Daniel so willingly filled up and complained about. I got that one. 

Then I met max ben and julia and riana and got in the zipcar and we went to wahlburgers which was fine. Boring... but fine. 

Max zoomed riana back to class but i left my phone at the restaurant so julia and I went back for it then hung out in west elm waiting for them to come back for us I WANT ALL OF WEST ELM TO FURNISH MY FUTURE HOME. AND I WANT THESE MUGS. ONE OF EACH. 

then we drove to cambridge for dessert even though that’s really not where you go for dessert and even though they didnt understand that cambridge is big and we weren’t in a nice area. Ended up at cafe nero. Got a mocha. Then to a park to like look at the ice and then run back to the car cause it was cold. Im sorry it just like. So unfulfilling. Not wild enough or grounded enough. No conversation. The spontaneity is like... I’m realizing that I just want fucking spontaneous wild things to happen in my life so I’m just gonna start making them happen. Gonna see theatre on weekdays and get on a train at night and go to the beach gonna live a little. I’ll find those people soon enough i guess. And whenever I get the chance someday I’m gonna take Daniel on an adventure because that’s who I am deep in my bones and my self-doubt and need for validation drowns it out all too often. 

(unfortunately these are not the people I don’t think.) 

uhhhhh

got home at like 6:30 - read 3 sisters and waited for jesse to call me when he got outta work cause he’s having a hard time - had a wonderful phone call with him and was reminded that I have wisdom and it’s no small thing that I’m really good at listening and hearing people’s needs. 

Gonna figure out a time to hang out with Jake Jess and Al

Then Keely’s 

uh

drank white wine on erin’s floor 

kaitlyn fiery reminds me of medha

i was so not afraid of anything 

smoked a little idek if anything happened, ate too much but it’s fine

erin exploded sparkling rose on me and keely had to wash my hair and give me new clothes. 

At some point keely asked how daniel was and I said good. I didn’t say anything else.

I stupidly texted daniel on the way out telling her about that and then asking him this fear in the pit of my stomach  - had he known it was gonna happen that night - did he want it to? And he got angry and I was so sad but he was so gentle and kind and I went to sleep so sorry when I got home

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Okay! So I’ve had a few days of just complete and utter crashing into bed for... various reasons! As I write this is it Sunday feb 3rd at 4:33 PM and I am sitting in a Tatte awaiting my grain bowl minus the eggs bc as of yesterday i’m vegan but we’ll get to that. 

Okay.  Let’s see if I can remember...

Thursday, January 31st

Woke in time to shower and prep for Angels. Wore my trouser jeans and my black turtleneck and my gray cardigan to be Harper. 

We met by the tables on 3rd floor of ryder at 9 and rehearsed and solidified. 

in class the show went off... not without a hitch. Several hitches. We all fucked something up somehow. I missed a line... Zeke’s lights, whatever. 

When it was over I didn’t feel AMAZING and I saw Daniel had texted me saying he was thinking about drive in movies and pooh and he loved me forever and I almost cried 

Johnathan and the class loved our angels  - the lights - light in the darkness, fighting darkness, Elise’s moment @ end - interesting and effective blocking esp with joe harper diagonal and prior louis in the center - Acting was praised and Jonathan singled out my “no yes no yes” moment and how every word i said meant something different and nuanced. 

Felt good!

Interesting and upsetting movie in WMNS called TRAPPED about TRAP laws in the south - super moving. Some people are really amazing. 

Making plans w myself to go to Jugos except oh wait.. uh BUILD?

wasn’t prepared. didn’t have shop clothes. Debated calling matthew and being like help I’m not coming except i can’t call Matthew and I was like stick it out Dev so I went. And improvised. Tiberius, Jonah, wait. Jonas. Jonah. Oops. Ivy and Niki were there. I was a goofball and won them all over and told the stories of my prom and cotil experiences chronologically with the punchline of not knowing how to make a boutonniere. 

Jonah encouraged me to join his improv troupe lol no thanks thirsty boy. Got sketchy vibes from him (not like scary sketchy just like.... u kno?) 

Anyway we didn’t have to do much trip to the mailroom whatever. 

Then I genuinely don’t remember? 

OH 

I went to Rebeccas with Maddie and Max and got a sandwich which was literally just like whole wheat bread deli chicken and avocado and when I got home I entered a coma for like an hour and a half. 

I posted my insta and wished daniel was gonna screenshot it and sent it to me with that blushy emoji but he liked it and it got a lotta love so that’s good enough i guess hehehe

Went to fortnight dressed like Phoebe with weird pigtails idek it was funky and fortnight was like fine and i dipped pretty fast and then friend group ended up in mia’s room and mia was a dick and i yelled at her to stop being so angry and we got dominoes and I got a cheeseless sauceless veggie and beef pizza and entered another coma because it was like 3 and i dragged myself downstairs and into bed with makeup on and was out. 

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Wednesday January 30th (it’s now Thursday at 2:01am actually)

new rules: when im in bed not doing homework or reading or somehow bettering myself or being happy, time to call it a night and write this. no need to wait til im bout to fall asleep

this is gonna be shorter cause im dead tired

yes i’ve been wearing variations of this same outfit over the past 4 days. It’s my heartbroken but a badass outfit and it’s getting me through. 

No really find me someone who makes devastation look this good

okay

uh 

up in time to make tea hit wollastons and go to Ryder for 10am little line through with angels. I don’t like people who are always late.  Note to self. I like showing up on time or early. I will give myself time to prepare and then have the self confidence to say fuck it if I have to, and I will show up on time. Or early. 

the space buns of As You Like It summer have returned... it’s funny they make me think of a different era a little but I have short enough hair again and something had to be done with it. They will become a staple until I decide I don’t like them again I’m sure. 

Intro whatever. But I did come up with a cool idea for angels about lights with the shades down in the daylight at the end of class. I ran to tell my group my idea and Zeke said just wondering do you want to be a director? and I was like lol yeah could you tell from my overzealous micromanagement of this entire project??? more on this project later

Acting. I came to kick ass like Jesse told me to. I ended up bossing Lou around because I wanted our scene to be just so. To the point where Lou had to say hey im doing it how im doing it and i was like woah. Thank you for saying that. I am so sorry. I get in such a critical mindset of myself and any group partner. Thank you for saying that. 

Note to self. I cannot control my scene partners. I cannot control my partners. Period. I can only ever control myself. I can respond honestly. I can give my all. That’s it. 

okay. nervous about those scene but not til friday. 

thtr@NU Janet came. She was cool. Frances made pumpkin bread and i had a piece and a half and that was my lunch and my poor malnourished-of-late body could hardly handle it. 

uhhhhhhhh

poetry. whatever? i don’t care. But Tiffany is really cool. I wanna be friends. 

then. ryder. Played a baby grand in a practice room. Practiced the paderewski minuet a little. Played waltz&dream with heartache. a little wrong lyrics make you feel my love. A hot sec of my back pocket miss the mountains audition I always use... gotta find someone to help me with my berkshire audition

home briefly

applied makeup because I looked good if a little exhausted and felt like feeling badass-er.

then. dinner 6:30. stwest. I hate the dining hall. 

Frankly? ate like whatever pasta salad and shitty food there was. and then two bowls of lucky charms with shitty rice milk. Then to curry to meet mia. Where I went and threw up in the bathroom and then just stayed there for a while. 

Didn’t get any work done there really. Riana came. Is it bad that like Mia really frustrates me right now? I love her but she has a kind of superiority and hostility almost that I honestly really don’t like. A good friend doesn’t say “Can I tell you something. Im so glad you broke up with Daniel.” I know you are. But that Really doesn’t fucking matter. What matters is that I am shattered. A good friend just knows when to shut up and squeeze your hand. But I don’t care because I do know ultimately that’s just who she is and so whatever. Riana gets it. 

uh

mmmm

then library

listened to some musical theatre and tried to take notes. didn’t really. spent lots of time distracted on pinterest. 

the angels project. We had already agreed on not having elaborate or specific costuming becuase we have to do the scene in an ugly classroom. So basically costumes would only look out of place. Plus we have 3 girls playing men. Today zeke texts that he’s wearing black pants white shirt red tie. The rest of us are wearing like. Black and gray neutral outfits. I had to text elise because we both feel guilty for perpetually shutting down ideas and frankly that’s why we had to just let the casting work out as it did etc. but. i’m glad I have a friend who like. Isn’t stupid. And I’m grateful for her quiet calm energy which offsets my “uh uh uh” gasp in response to bad ideas hahaha

okay uh then home to do nothing. Except take an extended photo shoot of myself trying to make it look like someone else may have taken it. The walk was torture. I need a real jacket not a jean jacket it’s 10 degrees but I wanna feel  like a badass. I Really need it at the moment. Really do. 

Do I want Daniel to text me first? Fuck yeah. Really really weird to me that he hasn’t but like it’s okay obviously. That’s more than allowed.

But guess who didn’t cry today  

Someday I’m gonna be ready enough. And I’m gonna feel it in my belly. That it’s time. But I am gonna have an instinct. It’s already there and just waiting to give me the go.

Goodnight

[sunshineonamission-blog]

P.S.

I just wanna say. 

I’m gonna go for it. 

I’m gonna spend my efforts where I’m not miserable. 

I’m gonna be an actor. I’m gonna be a director. 

I’m gonna figure out my style. 

I’m gonna take the reins for once. And forever after that. 

[sunshineonamission-blog]

January 30th Wednesday 1:38AM

So basically Tuesday

Do i even remember this morning

This morning I woke up and I was just so. Tired. So tired. Like hard to move in a literal way. 

It was either this morning or yesterday - I think yesterday but when I went to open my blinds to let the light in it was like blue. Maybe that was Monday. Anyway.

Last night I slept in the dark with the door completely closed and the kitchen light off. I guess there was nothing scary to me about the dark anymore.

This morning I took a painful shower and I got dressed in my lined mom jeans that I’ve been avoiding and my grey turtleneck, and my denim jacket. I knew I’d sweat through the turtleneck. I was in denial. I packed a bag. I made some tea. I put my last lara bar in my pocket. I walked to Ryder. 

Meeting with Jesse at 8:45. Was amazing. 

I blabbed and he actually made sense of it. 

So. Sounds like you like to make shit. 

Yeah. 

If you wanna do the new york thing and pound the pavement for a while you can. If you want to stay in boston... you can. 

“I’m not fuckin corporate Northeastern. I want what’s best for you”

“You have permission to act. To be a theatre artist.”

“I give you permission to not know what you’re doing right now.”

- Summer. Berkshire Theatre Co. or Shakespeare & Co. or work and make money and “make a bunch of shit. get your friends. --> his best man runs Shakes, he used to run Berkshire: “it’s... grueling. if you wanna kinda pay your dues and train...”

- Fall. As many studio classes as possible. Acting 2. 

- Playwriting, Directing, movement at some point, voice& speech, viewpoints

- He said I could get into movement right now. Ugh. Yesterday was the last day to drop a class without “withdrew” on transcript. 

- If I wanna do a BFA program and just grind it out and wear black every day and be in a conservatory setting I can- probably not gonna be this year. That’s okay.

- MFA is an option. Maybe not recommended unless you have a trust fund or a strong desire to teach

- “Your makeup as a human being seems right. To be an actor. You have a seriousness but also a goofiness. You need both.”

“For the sake of your health, just maybe breathe...”

“You have time.”

“I know a lotta actors who direct. My wife does. I know directors who act sometimes.”

It’s weird right. You’re here for theatre and surrounded by like. STEM majors. They’re robots. 

Keep the conversation going when I need to. 

Advice for acting & life: don’t wait for someone to teach you. don’t wait to be instructed. If the opportunity arises to learn and do, do something. 

Kick ass in acting tomorrow. 

“you’re okay. You’re in the right place. in terms of like. mindset”

I was really just beaming walking outta there. I was excited. I changed into the acid wash jeans and too tight flowery converse and acadia sweatshirt and made my way to curry while i scarfed down the lara bar

Had like 15 minutes so I sat and researched summer programs a little. Obviously he said berkshire was grueling sooo that’s where I wanna go.  - must do more research and maybe a second more soul searching and then just start prepping

Okay shop for 4 hours. Climbed scaffolding. Super grateful Julia Chase a normal human being was there.  Mätthew’s nice and it’s fine. I hate Jenny. Jeanie. Whatever her name is. And that other kid whose name I don’t remember but he has an absurdly low voice and a beard and he’s tall and he’s stupid. I apologize for the strong language. Ultimately I don’t hate them I just like can hardly stand being around them because they’re just so cringey and rude and like the combo makes me want to go off. It makes me wanna be like yo. Jennie. I know. And stop holding the screw while you drill. That’s why you keep bleeding. But we got a lot done and especially when it was just me julia and matthew i really did like save the day with my ideas several times. fun! draining though and hadnt eaten in like a while besides the lara bar

Home. Was gonna research summer while eating my ubereats smoothie bowl because Jugos closed at 5 and it was like 3 and i wanted to sit and eat and research. No thank u Bgood u are a heartbreak at the moment. 

Accidentally didnt put in my address for ubereats. What was in there was Park Plaza. Mhm. Ow. I called to fix my mistake but it was already on the way. 3 miles away. via bike. Angry ubereats biker. 

I went to atm at MARINO and got money out, crying, came back, waited. Called mom weeping. He got here. He was biking away. What? I said hey excuse me he said “it dropped. It fuckin dropped. Im sorry okay you wont get charged it dropped.” I made him take $10 and apologized for the mistake and he said he was sorry for freakin out, sorry for making me cry. He made me think of Maddie Dinsmore. SO, MUCH. He said you’re a female I’m sorry I hate making girls cry and I said oh no trust me you didnt. I said the address I sent it to by accident was just a place I was at with my boyfriend like a month ago and we just broke up and I never order ubereats but i was really hungry so it made me cry.

And he said youre obviously hungry and you didnt even get your food and offered to go get me something from nearer by. He said he was moving to california on friday. I gave him the $10 and said no no that’s fine but good luck in California.

 I don’t know why I felt the need to overshare to this stranger. I think it was two things. One was that I saw someone who felt very badly and who’d just biked 3 miles and who wasnt getting paid for it. I am a decent liar sometimes. When it seems like the right thing to do. Or at least I have been. But I’m so fuckin done with that. Not a bone in my body had the capacity in that moment to say oh no it’s not you I totally just bombed a test I literally just didn’t have it in me. But I didn’t want this person to have any guilt or sadness from today. So I just told the truth. Because yeah he was mad and it made me cry but ultimately it wouldn’t have if not for the circumstances. Because the circumstances made me feel stupid and like essentially I started feeling well enough to eat and okay enough not to be scared to eat or to at least be brave enough to leap that hurdle and the universe said fuck you. You should be hurting. And you tried to eat and this is what happens. I don’t believe that to be true. It’s just how it felt in the moment. 

And I’m also just so heartbroken and it couldnt hurt to tell this person that I’ll never see again, who could judge me if he wanted but whose judgment would ultimately have no bearing on my life

Back inside. Back in bed. Talked to mom. 

Made eggs. 

Ew.

Felt super anxious

In bed totally checking daniel’s snap map and thinking he was auditioning. 

I’m so glad he’s auditioning. 

I wonder if he knew that he could’ve auditioned last week. 

I texted him when he was out and asked. He did. I’m glad. 

We talked for a while. I said more than usual. I dont put the screenshots of texts here because we don’t need to torture ourselves. 

I told him I just wanted him to be happy. He asked if id gone to any parties which blew me away because of course not. 

I told him about miss you like hell

I told him about my ubereats experience

I told him I was scared

I asked if it had to be til we were 25 to come back around

I said I wanna take it back

He said he was gonna marry me

He asked if I was okay

He knows.

He told the boys it’s only me he’s dating ever

I miss him like hell

My heart doesnt beat the same without you

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in) 

Ryder. Piano and singing and writing a song. Curry. HW with mia, my creative dna

Library w max ben maddie riana 

ava had stopped at max’s lobby cause she was scared of a sketchy van so when i left i walked with max to ava so that we could walk home together. 

Ava thinks she gets it but she doesn’t. I appreciate it but she doesn’t. 

I’m in bed. This is a no teeth no face wash night but it’s okay because no makeup today 

I’m very tired and it’s 2:16 now and time to go to sleep 

Goodnight

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Monday 1/28/19

1:28 AM

I woke up this morning and it was as if total body exhaustion had replaced all pain. I fell back asleep even though I had work to do and woke again at maybe 8. Then I tried to get dressed. All of my clothes. All of them. Are drenched in him. It took too long to get dressed. I was wearing these jeans friday night. My jean jacket pockets are empty of the love letters I kept in each pocket. He loved and hated this turleneck. But as a look altogether, I’ve never worn it and I didn’t feel like my usual self and that helped. I’ve been dressed differently. My denim jacket and black hoodie and walking at a very brisk pace have become the insufficient replacement for any other form of coat. Hoops. I kinda need to feel like a badass artist because happy earth girl isn’t here right now. 

Green tea for breakfast. I’ve been good at making tea. Trust me I know. Tea is not breakfast. But eating is fucking hard at the moment. I’m honestly not about to force myself to eat when I’m not hungry. I am stressed enough, I am in enough pain, I do not need to deal with that too. It’s only been 3 days so I doubt it’s a big deal. I think my ass might’ve gotten flatter but that could just be the fact that I’ve got no reason to pop it out and take a pic. 

I went to Ryder and worked on my essay and blessed Mia looked over it for me. 

Intro to theatre. Womens. Projector still not working. I have like,,, my own questions about abortion. And they’re totally not askable in that classroom setting. Ugh. 

Hour and 20 minutes to crank out my poetry critiques before class. Made the tragic mistake of opening instagram while I peed and saw the movie was out. The star wars movie that Daniel sent to me on thursday when it was unfinished. On Thursday. Thursday Thursday Thursday. 

Cranked out poetry critiques with tear streaked face as one does, finished with a half hour. Watched the movie. Cried cause I couldn’t talk to Daniel about it. Cried cause he didn’t text me saying IT’S OUT. GO LOOK. Didn’t tag me. Not cause he’s a jerk but because the rules are different now. 

It’s ironic that I now have this TIME that I can use to Focus on Myself, when that time is just spent Wishing I could talk to him. Thinking of him.

Poetry. 

Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost meant nothing to me last Wednesday. Today it made me cry on my yellow legal pad in the very front of the classroom with my head down. “You’d like things to last. You’d like people to stay. But they don’t.”

I read my poem. Even though I’ve edited it since and not reprinted. But that’s okay. People had interesting feedback but I didn’t really care. I thought it would make me cry but it didn’t. Thinking of Daniel waiting for me at the airport... yeah that would. But I just let it be a bad poem. They got it for the most part. They had things to say. 

I left poetry and came home. I cried. I called mom. 

I fell asleep for an hour.

I went upstairs and talked to Mia while she got ready for her frat thing. (I went upstairs and got immediately in her bed for warmth while she got ready)

Back downstairs. I texted Daniel when I was thinking of coming home. I told him I loved the movie. I told him it made me cry. That everything makes me cry. He said everything makes him cry. Everything. I told him I was here. I told him I felt like I’d been hit by a train. He said two trains. I’m grateful that I still get to tell him I love him. I love him. I love him. 

Do I have to wait until I’m 24 and I can say okay lets move somewhere let’s rent an apartment and get married do I have to wait or can I just check off my list can I just figure out my shit and then go back to him

Am I allowed to be thinking about when I get to go back to him? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose. If subconsciously my plans are informed by what might be the path which brings us closer together? Fuck everything honestly. I feel like this is for nothing. I actually feel like this might hurt me. Because if I could figure out what I was gonna do what I wanted to do, which I was already starting to do, on my own, but while dating Daniel, then I would know I have him and if it doesn’t work out it doesn’t. But I wouldn't’ know that I Might get him back and that every move I make might determine whether or not that’s true. Or how soon that is. My brain and my heart hurt. Everything hurts.  

I got up and packed up and went to Ryder so I could play the piano from 8:30-9. I played and sang to make you feel my love. I might wanna touch up a piano piece for Saturday. My sight reading no longer exists if it ever did... 

I went to the library. Got overwhelmed by my essay. Just fuckin did it. It was bad. Turned it in. We’ll see how it goes. I can beg for extra credit later. I’m not gonna dwell on how I feel about my potential grade in WMNS. Whatever. 

Sat in the room with friends and listened to a combo of miss you like hell and chopin nocturnes. 

I left at like 12:15? 

I walked partway home with Riana who asked me about how my poem went today. She’s a good friend. 

I decided I don’t have a shower in me tonight. I have my meeting with Jesse tomorrow morning at 8:45 and we’ll see how that goes. I have my questions and thoughts all written down but I’m such a mess. We’ll see. 

I’m gonna go to sleep now after I drink my mug of water. 

[sunshineonamission-blog]

1/27/19

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Sunday 1/27/19 10:40pm

I woke up this morning and felt empty

But empty implies that it wasn’t painful

I felt like my entire body was doing everything it could to keep itself from the inevitable explosion of my heart and my brain. And it was exhausting. 

I wasn’t hungry. I haven’t been hungry. Even a little bit. The thought of eating is repulsive. 

I got myself up. Put on some leggings and my black hoodie and my jean jacket. I was thinking about the time I wore awful jeans and that black hoodie after hanging out with Janet to Daniel’s house, the jeans I bought on the way home from Maine with him at the GAP. He thought I was incredible. Thinking about how the pockets of my jean jacket each had a love letter in them since fall of 2017 and they don’t anymore. Thinking about how what if this chapstick is the last chapstick I’ll have that I’ve shared with him, that I’ve put on in preparation to kiss him, what if it falls out of my pockets, fuck it, it’s not coming with me. 

I drank water out of the empty seltzer bottle I carried home from Mia’s last night when I was so sad I fell asleep on her floor while everyone was still there. 

I went to curry and tried to work for a little. I signed up for the classes at the gym here. I wrote down my rehearsal schedule. I am terrified but I think I will be so relieved to be busy. 

Except for the fact that I am exhausted. In a way I can’t describe. In that I feel like I could sleep or cry every second but also that my heart is pounding so quickly I’m not sure if I’ll ever sleep again. 

I went to lighting hang and the person who taught us - Evey, graduated from BU. They seemed to be in awe of the lack of specificity of classes here and of the outdated lights. It was a nice refresher and I’m (secretly and will ever admit it there) scared of the massive extension ladders but lights are cool. 

Roamed the student fair briefly. Nothin much. 

Curry with Mia to work. I wanted to buy a bar just to eat something so I didn’t accidentally die but there wasn’t a single one that didn’t have so much shit in it so I bought avocado sushi. Ate most of it. Stomach hurt. 

Rehearsal for Angels at 5 - mostly me and sometimes Elise shooting down ideas and making corrections and suggestions. 

I just wanted to talk to Daniel. Just wanted to tell him about it after. Wanted to tell him that Zeke can’t act and has the same voice as Connor Bellone and that it was so frustrating but I know that I’m good at this. 

I couldn’t. 

When we left I risked it. I texted. “Daniel.” I told him I just wanted to say hi. I told him time was moving slow. I told him it hurt so badly. He told me everything he saw was me somehow. We said we loved each other. We said ow. We said goodbye. I was crying. But I know he’s the only person in the world who gets it. Who could truly get it. Because he’s the only person in the world who knows what it was like to be us. What it is like to be us. And somehow it helped.

I had to call mom when I got home. I was so exhausted. And so sad. 

I have a lot of work due tomorrow. I’ve wasted a lot of time doing mindless things. I think that there’s a part of me that’s just waiting for something to make me happy and by that I mean I think a part of me thinks if I scroll on instagram enough I’ll find some courage or I’ll laugh or I’ll somehow be connected to him and that’s... stupid. I think part of me is just so scared to face the world right now. 

Mom said make some tea, work for an hour, bang it out, have something to turn in, don’t kill yourself over it. 

I boiled water.

I went to pick my tea.

Who knew the word “chamomile” would ever make me cry.

[sunshineonamission-blog]

sunday morning

1/27/19

I woke up yesterday morning and I didn’t know so much pain could stay in my body.

I called mom. I needed her. 

My eyes were swollen almost shut from crying. 

Heartbroken. But he didn’t break my heart. 

Everyone said the same thing. Mom, Dad, Alex, Amy. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. It’ll come back around. 

I picked up my packages at Speare and sat reading the Creative Habit for a second. 

A single lacrosse player in a white helmet and white shoes was practicing with a lax back outside my window and I cried. It wouldn’t be Daniel though. He’d still be in his peacoat. 

I went to Miss You Like Hell with Julia

I couldn’t breathe getting dressed when I realized I’d worn the outfit I was about to throw on - black tights and my denim dress with my pink bralette with my platform shoes- when I realized I’d created that outfit for the train ride down to Boston winter break to the park plaza. It’d be an easy dress to take off, easy to change into my sexy undies, I was so sweaty when we got the hotel that the entire sides of the dress were soaked from my armpits and we laughed. Change of plans obviously. I wore my new jumper. I’ve never worn it before. I wanted to show him how I looked kinda nice even though my eyes were smaller than usual.

Julia was very kind and listened and understood. It was really important to me that they all didn’t just have whatever Mia’s version of the story was.

The tickets at the ART were identical to my barbershop chronicles one. I sat with lead actress’s boyfriend and mother, who went on about how they’d been dating for 8 years and met in high school show choir. How they were gonna get married and she’d flown in for possible mother-in-law points. How her last show was at the Seacoast Repertory Theatre in Newburyport. That hurts. That hurt a lot. As either mom or dad said after, “Can’t make this shit up” 

The play was incredible. Relevant and necessary and breathtaking. It hurt. And I am in a raw state of being. So everything hurt doubly. When she sang “I’m gonna miss you like hell. There’s a hole in the world in the shape of you. I’m gonna miss you like hell. There’s a hole in the world in the shape of us.” or “You are the bread and I am the hunger” I wept for this mother and daughter who are real they are real and this story is real. And selfishly, selfishly, I wept for myself. I wept for the loss of the love of my life. I wept for the fact that I couldn’t call Daniel after the show and tell him how incredible it was and how I wanna direct something like that. 

At intermission I opened my phone to a long text from Amy. I stood up and suddenly was outside the theatre and I was crying so uncontrollably. Somehow the most painful words there were the first ones. “Hi sweetheart. I talked with Daniel today.” Because of everything that meant. Because it means it’s real. It’s real. Because it means she talked to Daniel my Daniel about how he’s not my Daniel anymore. 

I wish it didn’t happen yet. It had to. I wish it didn’t happen on that day. I wish it didn’t. I wish it didn’t. I wish it didn’t. I hope he knows I didn’t give a fuck about that party. I think he does. 

I hope he feels the way I do, still. I hope that he feels like we did the right thing but God I hope he wants to take it back as much as I do. That’s selfish. I know that. I don’t want him to be in pain and this is the worst pain I have ever felt. Ever. I called Dad when I got home last night and he said it might be permanent it probably is and I screamed that I didn’t want it to be. I don’t want it to be. I wish I could’ve said Daniel. Wait for me. Live your life. Have fun. Love it. Grow. But wait for me. And the thing is, that’s our hope. He said he’ll never not be thinking about me. I believe him. Because I know him, and fuck any hard time I’ve ever had believing him. That boy says only what he means. But I know that life continues. And I want his life to be magical. And I wanna be in it. And I wanna run back to him next week and say was this enough? Is it time? 

But i will see him again. Soon.

I hope we can keep in touch a little. I really think I need that. 

He’s my best friend.

I will never fall out of love with him.

I will always love him.

Right now I miss my best best friend. 

And I can know this: that when I have figured out these things:

How to love myself fairly unconditionally  -or at least not to hate myself. Not to swallow myself. To be kind.

How to make certain my self-love is fueled by my own satisfaction with Who I Am and not how others praise me. 

How to make my own happiness and not let it hinge upon the satisfaction of others with me. 

How to make choices for myself. 

If not what I want to do for the rest of my life, where I’m going next. What do I want now. 

And then, how to get it. 

When have figured out these things, I will find him. I will knock on his door. I’ll say hi. You are the love of my life. Is it time yet? And maybe it will be and maybe it won’t be but someday it will. Someday, someday, it will be. 

I woke up in my Grinch PJs with makeup contacts bra and two layers of shirts and a feeling like there isn’t joy in the world for me. 

I am about to have a productive day and try my very best to get everything done for tomorrow without staying up too late,

I’m gonna try to make Angels fantastic. 

I’m gonna explore some options.