#she literally kept me on the phone for 20 mins being shitty to me
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
i got yelled at by a parent today and they said i was accusing them of being a terrible parent⊠all i said was i was surprised to see this student being disrespectful bc they are normally a role model for others and i asked if there was anything going on that might have caused a change. she said i deeply offended her and itâs all my fault that heâs acting like that⊠this is why thereâs a teacher shortage btw
#yeah i cried#she literally kept me on the phone for 20 mins being shitty to me#sigh#teaching#my diary
6 notes
·
View notes
Note
I live in the future âšâš
Just in one day advance and literally not near your general area đ
But my day is wild
It started with trying to get up for my 7 am class on a rainy day. If the fatigue isn't from not being able to sleep at 2 and only have 3 hrs of sleep, then it's from not being to sleep in while it's rainy outside đ
Anyways, class happens. I was banging my head on the table bc I literally had no ideas for a final project coming up. But at least, i got 1 idea approved and class dismissed early đđđ
Then i chilled in lounge, played a gacha game (tears of themis if you're curious) GOT THE CARD I WANTED + 2 BONUS
Now imagine being another person in this big lounge, seeing someone in the corner on a couch do the weirdest shit.
> sit up suddenly
> cover mouth with hand with the most disbelief you can muster
> silently scream and freak out while spazzing the heck out
> clutch their heart and jerk back like they got shot by some invisible forceđ
> bow and prays to their phone
> lay back down as if nothing happened
Then do that again for a second time in order đđđ
> Decide to take a 20 min nap after that
This is just half of my day
Dw I'll continue in another ask but fr why did i act like that đđđđ
-đ«Ł
đ„șđ„șđ„ș
you don't understand. if i saw that i'd smile with them. nothing makes me more happy than seeing other people happy. like, i have no idea what the game or card means but it means so much to you so it makes me so happy!!
at my taylor swift concert a member of taylor nation gave the girl next to me a guitar pick and she just started bawling and i kept telling her congats and she deserved it!!!!
i love when humans human. makes the world a little less shitty.
1 note
·
View note
Text
Lovedust pt.7 || Peter Parker x Stark Reader
Summary: Itâs the night of the party and Y/N is having seconds thoughts about going but her friend Kim convinces her to go and have fun. While things get more complicated with Peter, Y/N and Josh get closer at the party.Â
Word Count: MF 7.7K ( This is my longest piece I-)
Authorâs note: YALL HERE WE ARE! THE BIG OOPSIE DOOPSIE OF LOVEDUST! This is probably my favorite part that I have written so far- itâs fairly long but boy did my heart HURT. I would say we have about maybe 2-3 chapters left give or take and Iâm so bummed the story is almost over :(. Thank you all for being incredibly kind, your support means so much I canât thank you guys enough. ALSO hehe thereâs a lil easter egg from the first chapter and the chapter with Y/N having a nightmare. If yall pay attention to some of the wording at the end...
Warnings: Underage drinking, adult language, angst, mentions of death
part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six || part seven || part eight || epilogue
You wanted it to be a normal night, one that in hindsight, wouldâve worked out in your favor if you were normal to begin with. You werenât the partying type or maybe, you just convinced yourself that it wasnât the case since you were hardly invited to them to begin with.Â
As if it made any sense, you felt eerily similar to Cinderella at this moment; even though she was one of the worst princesses in your opinion, you still sympathized with her story. The idea of wanting nothing more than to leave the confines of her dusty attic to dress pretty for a ball was something you could sadly relate to.Â
While the Avengers complex was by far well above the average means, it was Cinderella longing for just one night away from her complicated life that made you see the story in a different light.Â
But after years of wondering what it would be like to go to a real party (now that you were offered the chance to go) it wasnât the way you dreamed it would be. As you stood in front of your closet, recalling the times you had put on outfits that you thought would be the perfect party attire just seemed like pieces of cloth, nothing more and nothing less.Â
Because you didnât care about the stupid party. You cared about Peter.Â
You had put so much blame on him for everything; his feelings that he couldnât control and his past which he apologized for multiple times. When you had the chance to fix everything, you were too scared to be vulnerable with him and admit that maybe you were falling for him.Â
You werenât a coward, you wanted to convince yourself that you could still move on and have fun without thinking of him but you felt almost embarrassed that you were feeling the opposite.Â
â I donât want to go anymore. This isnât right,â You sighed as you turned to your phone that was propped up against your dresser,â I canât just leave him here while I go off to some party.â
You watched Kim through the facetime call as she put down her mascara to take a second to look at you,â Y/N, you have been talking about this party all week. Hell, I gave you that blue top that makes your boobs look great and you even said you couldnât wait to wear it to the party!â
You only hummed in response as you moved aside the hangers in your closet to find the top that Kim had let you borrow.Â
â We mentally prepared for this, we watched Superbad and Booksmart in one night to get the full spectrum of high school parties and we even practiced how to play beer pong!â
â That was on our phones, Iâm sure itâs different in real life,â You sighed as you took off your shirt and slipped on Kimâs blue blouse,â I just feel awful about going to a party knowing Peter is just gonna be here all night.âÂ
â Y/N, you deserve this party. Youâve worked your ass off for four years and I know how badly you wanted to go ever since we got uninvited to that one theatre party where Timothy Chalamete supposedly showed up to. I know you feel guilty about Peter and yeah, you kinda fucked things up, for now, but you deserve a goddamn break,â Kim practically yelled through the screen, doing her best to hype you up,â if you donât go, youâre gonna regret it, you and I both know that. So just get dressed, do your hair all cute and shit, put on makeup or whatever you do and go have fun at this party with Josh.â
â Fuck, Josh! I completely forgot about him, heâs supposed to pick me up in an hour!â You said as you suddenly felt a wave of nerves come over you,â what do I do about Josh? What if he tries to make a move on me tonight?â
â Do you want him to make a move?â
â I donât know...not really but then again, I wouldnât mind. Donât hate me cause I know this sounds shitty, but maybe I need a distraction from Peter...is that awful?â You asked as you slipped off your pajama pants and rummaged through your dresser for jeans,â donât answer that, I know thatâs awful to say. Am I turning into a fuckboy?â
â If you feel empathy than no, youâre not turning into a fuckboy,â Kim laughed as you found a pair of jeans to slip into,â look, I know how you feel about Peter and if you see yourself wanting to be with him than this thing you have with Josh wonât happen. At the same time, even if you do like Peter and you want to have fun with Josh for a night, youâre not a shitty person for wanting that. Youâve been through the wringer with Peter and to be honest, Josh is literally a goddamn angel so I donât blame you for seeing him as an option. Either way, youâre hot, smart as fuck, and you are a fucking Stark; you donât owe Peter or Josh anything so do what you want to do because you deserve it.âÂ
Kim was every protagonistâs wet dream; the side character who had more to offer every time and yet, she practically thrived off of hyping you up. You knew that she had a point, she always did.Â
A part of you could tell which way she was leaning in terms of who you would go out with and yet, she only cared that you were making the right choice for yourself and your own happiness.Â
â You really are a ride or die friend,â You said honestly as Kim smiled back,â Iâm going to get ready but Iâll see you there okay?âÂ
â Will do girlfriend!â
Once the facetime call ended, you leaned back in your chair and stared at yourself in the mirror.Â
You didnât know what your intentions would be for the night and even though Kim had said you wouldnât be a bad person if you had fun with Josh, you knew you would still feel shitty doing so, especially when you knew that you had strong feelings for Peter.Â
As you fixed up your hair, all you could do was replay the conversation with Peter in the rain and how close you were to confessing everything. Looking back, you knew you were stupid for running away, if you really liked him than what was the problem of letting him know how you felt?
Because you knew once he was cured, he wouldnât share the same feelings for you.Â
In every sense of the lovedust, the way Peter felt about you wasnât natural and yet, it was the lovedust that really made you like Peter back.Â
You were just saving yourself from future heartbreak and given your past relationships, you had a reason to be hesitant in being that vulnerable with another guy.Â
And yet, you still feel like you owed Peter an explanation.Â
You got up from your seat and walked out of your bedroom, making a beeline towards his room. You were sure he was done with testing at this point but after knocking on his door a few times, there still wasnât a response.Â
You opened the bedroom door to find his room completely empty with everything neatly tucked in place as if he was cleaning up for a guest.Â
The complex was big but you knew you would run into sometime before Josh showed up so you walked straight out and went to the elevators to make your way up to the labs. As you pressed the elevator button, you felt some unease sitting at the pit of your stomach.Â
Something felt off, whether it be your natural woman inclination or just the fact that you were nervous to confront Peter.Â
The elevator doors slid open and you walked in before you pressed the button to the designated floor like it was second nature.
Just breath, youâre fine, why are you freaking out?
You felt your phone buzz in your pocket and once you pulled it out, you felt your heart skip a beat when you saw Joshâs contact name pop up.Â
Josh: I just left my apartment! Iâll see you in 20 min!
Your stomach shifted once again as you replied back before stuffing your phone back into your front pocket.Â
Twenty minutes.Â
That was enough time to confess to Peter right?Â
The elevator doors opened to the lab and you walked towards the main zone with a slow pace, as if the anticipation would suddenly make you feel less nervous.Â
Once you rounded the corner to where your dad and Banner were usually working on Peter, you found the room to be completely empty besides for a few lab technicians who were working rather quickly.Â
You took a moment to give one last look into the lab before going down the hallway to peek into the other glass rooms to try and find Peter. You had a feeling that maybe you shouldâve checked the gym before coming all the way up to the labs but once you found yourself in front of the last room, you spotted your dad and Banner walking out with grim faces.Â
â Dad? Is everything okay?â You asked as their heads whipped around to turn to you,â have you two seen Peter anywhere?âÂ
You studied your dadâs face carefully but he gave no inclination of what the situation was, a talent he had grown accustomed to since he was your age. You gave up on your dad and watched Bannerâs face, a face you always had a talent of reading easily.Â
He kept his eye contact anywhere but towards your direction and the collar around his neck was wet, a sign that he was stressed out.
â Banner, whereâs Peter?â You asked again as you looked up at him before moving your eyes toward the room they had just walked out of,â is he in there?âÂ
â Heâs-â
âResting. Heâs had a day full of tests so we put him in one of the hospital beds just to keep an eye on him,â Your dad interrupted as you watched Banner gulp,â itâs not a big deal kiddo.â
Liar.Â
â Okay...well if itâs not a big deal than Iâm gonna go check up on him to make sure heâs okay,â You said wearily as you tried to walk in between your dad and Banner but he took a step to block you.Â
â Y/N, heâs not feeling well-â
â Why are you lying?â You asked as you looked back at Banner,â what are you two not telling me?â
Your dad kept up the charade and sighed as if he was annoyed,â Kiddo, heâs K.Oâd for the night. You know, lots of tests and meds thatâll have him relaxed for a few hours. Maybe you should check up on him tomorrow.âÂ
You could tell he was trying so hard to keep up the lie and while your dad was a phenomenal liar, you were smart enough to see right through his act.Â
All you could do was nod as you played coy,â Okay, thatâs fine. Oh! I wanted to let you know Iâm going to that party tonight so I wonât be home until later.â
As you were studying Tony, he was doing the same right back at you. It was like a game of chess; who would break first, who had the upper hand, and who was going to make the next move without disrupting their own game.Â
â Alright, just be safe than. Be back before eleven,â Tony said as he patted your shoulder and started walking with you back to the elevator, his hand almost leading you away from the door,â Remember; Beer before liquor, never been sicker.â
You couldnât take it anymore, you needed to know what was wrong with Peter.Â
You stopped in your tracks as you turned around to face your dad and Banner, who was still avoiding your gaze. You knew something was up, it was painfully obvious and you werenât going to just turn over and accept defeat.Â
â Would you ever lie to me?â You asked as your dad inhaled sharply, immediately shaking his head without a second thought,â okay.âÂ
You peeked your eyes back to the door and before you knew it, you ducked under your dadâs arm and ran over to the room where you were sure they were hiding Peter away.Â
â Y/N, stop!âÂ
You ran even faster as you practically slid against the tiled floor before throwing open the door to find Peter in the hospital bed. A huge heart monitor was connected to the side that had immediately spiked when you entered the room.Â
â Y/N? What are you doing here?â Peter asked as he sat up in his bed as your eyes traveled to several IVâS that were attached to his forearm.Â
The first thing you focused on was how pale he looked. Whatever the hospital gown couldnât cover showed almost a ghostly touch to his usual lush color. Since the lovedust, he had always had a blushful expression, accessorized with flushed cheeks or red tinted ears but now, there was none of that.Â
You could hear your dad and Banner behind you but before your dad could drag you back, you could hear Banner talking your dad out of it to âgive the kids some time.âÂ
You didnât even bother saying thank you as the door shut behind you, leaving you and Peter alone in the room. You were almost scared to come closer to him, he didnât look like himself at all.Â
You looked towards the heart monitor again which caused Peterâs heart rate to spike up with the thought alone.Â
â Tell me what happened,â You finally said as you made your way over to sit on the edge of Peterâs bed,â itâs serious, isnât it?âÂ
Peter swallowed nervously but shrugged like it was nothing,â Your dad was there before anything bad happened.â
You shook your head, you werenât going to get any information out of him like this. You turned to the side of his hospital bed and picked up a clipboard with his medical information. Peter tried grabbing it out of your hands but you stared him down, as if to say â donât try me.âÂ
Peter backed down as your eyes scanned the sheet carefully, trying to decipher all of the medical lingoes that were vaguely familiar from watching Greyâs Anatomy.Â
You felt your breath hitch as you read over the same diagnosis.Â
â You had an acute heartattack because of me, didnât you?â You finally said as you carefully placed the clipboard on the desk beside you,â because of our argument... and you werenât going to tell me.âÂ
â Y/N, there was no reason to worry you-â
â Youâre so stupid Peter, why wouldnât I be worried for you? You think an acute heartattack is something as normal as a fucking cold?â You snapped as you watched his heart rate rise. You took a deep breath and ran your fingers through your hair to calm yourself down,â Iâm killing you. Loving me is literally killing you Peter.â
Peter watched your gaze fall back to the IVâS while he kept his eyes on you the whole time. You looked absolutely defeated and he didnât blame you. The way you stared at his arm made him feel like you were trying to somehow reverse the lovedust, as if you could take his pain away.Â
And yet, what you didnât know was that Tony had just come in minutes before you to announce that yes, you could actually take the pain away forever.Â
â What about you? Is it killing you?â Peter asked as you tore your eyes away from his IVâs and locked your gaze on him.
â Seeing you like this? Of course itâs killing me, Iâm not that cruel Parker.â
â No,â Peter swallowed dryly,â is it killing you that you might love me?âÂ
Your first instinct was to laugh. What kind of sick joke was coming out his mouth? You tried to force any sound, anything that was a resemblance of something from English translation but your brain mentally stuttered.Â
It was as if your mind and words went on pause to let your thoughts catch up to you. Were you really that easy to read or did Peter know you better than you know yourself?Â
â How do I answer that?â You asked quietly as Peter was quick with a reply.Â
â You answer it honestly.â
â Oh, because you have been so honest with me?â
â You havenât been telling me the truth either. Youâre a lot of things Y/N, but youâre not innocent.âÂ
â Oh yeah? What am I then? Since you clearly know so much about me,â You replied to somehow detour the conversation.Â
Peter gladly took the bait as he chuckled,â Youâre stubborn. Youâre the most stubborn girl I have ever met in my entire life and I love that about you. It makes things interesting knowing that you donât roll over for anyone, even when you know youâre wrong.âÂ
You only hummed, he had a point. You had learned that from Tony and you werenât ashamed about it one bit.Â
â Well, I love how foolishly selfless you are. You always put everyone elseâs feelings before yours even when your health is at stake,â You said back as Peterâs smile faltered.Â
Oh how spot on you were.Â
Cause in this moment now, Peter was between a rock and a hard place. He had information that you didnât have, information that would seemingly fix everything and yet, he didnât want you to know.Â
The cure for the lovedust.Â
â Youâre keeping something from me, arenât you?â You said after studying his expression for a moment as Peter released his bottom lip that he was holding in between his teeth nervously.Â
Yes.Â
â I think youâre the one not being honest with your feelings,â Peter said as a matter of fact,â why wonât you admit it?â
You wanted to swallow your pride because damn it, you didnât want a repeat of earlier. You didnât want to chicken out but could you afford to be vulnerable again?
â Peter...I donât want to admit anything until youâre in the right state of mind,â You finally said, which was the most honest answer you could give,â after all, we both know what youâre feeling for me isnât the same as how I feel for you...itâs a side effect of the dust.â
Peter only nodded, even though there was so much to say to you. Peter felt like he was in a slowburn novel, but damn, even at this point there had to be more to give right? If this was a story of two people who were meant to be together, then why the hell is it taking so long?Â
If Peter could have it his way, he would rewrite it to where they could be happily ever after in the first chapter but sadly, this was real life and there wasnât that kind of luxury.Â
âYouâre right, itâs not the same,â Peter said bitterly as his sympathetic smile faded,â just a side effect.âÂ
You both understood. As things stood now, it was more of a standstill than anything. A pause, a pitstop, anything to halt whatever momentum the two of you shared. You felt absolutely broken that he admitted it, his âloveâ for you wouldnât ever be the same as however, you felt about him in that moment.Â
Just like that, you both knew you were doomed from the start.
You felt your phone vibrate in your pocket and you already knew it was Josh. You inhaled deeply as you gave Peterâs hand a squeeze before rising from his bed,â Iâm gonna go but if anything happens, call me okay?âÂ
â Same goes for you. Be safe,â Peter said in almost a whisper as you nodded before turning to the door.Â
You walked out of the room and leaned against the door for a moment collecting your thoughts. You ignored the gaze of Banner and your dad and seemingly walked through the two without batting an eye.Â
Tony felt guilty knowing that you had caught him in a lie but he really thought he was doing his daughter a favor. Once he knew you were gone, Tony walked through the door to find Peter deep in thought.Â
Tony shut the door behind him and walked over, taking a seat in the chair beside Peterâs bed. No one said anything for a moment but Peter was the one to break the silence first.Â
â I didnât tell her about the cure. I donât think she would even want to...â Peter admitted as Tony nodded.Â
Tony crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, his mind wandering in every direction,â Good call. Thor said our time is fleeting so we need to make sure it works.âÂ
Peter shifted nervously in his spot,â You and Banner wonât stop finding a different cure though, right? Just in case?âÂ
â Yeah, just in case.âÂ
                            -------
â You look nervous,â Josh pointed out once the two of you pulled up into the driveway of Amberâs house,â did you want to wait a second before we walk in?âÂ
You shook your head as you tried to swallow any nerves that were building up in your throat. You couldnât believe you were actually about to go to a party after everything that has been going on.Â
â No, Iâm fine...It sounds stupid but I donât really do parties so this is all kinda new,â You admitted as you took in another deep breath.Â
â Itâs not stupid at all. If it makes you feel any better, I usually get pretty antsy before preforming but now that I know youâre going to watch me, I feel less nervous,â Josh smiled warmly as you started to feel your senses ease,â parties arenât as scary as you think. Yeah, there are always a lot of people I donât know but seeing a familiar face is always reassuring.âÂ
Josh had a way of calming you down that no other person could do so easily. You wondered if someone else had said the same thing to you like Kim or Peter and if it would have the same effect but maybe it was just exclusively Josh that had that sort of charm.Â
â Okay, Iâm ready.â
The funny thing was, you really thought you were ready until you stepped into her house. The floor vibrated along to the beat of whatever song was blasting along the speakers and the smell of alcohol and weed felt almost suffocating. You were immediately overwhelmed with the amount of people already there and of course, you hardly recognized anyone from school.Â
â Here, hold on tight,â Josh intertwined his fingers with yours as he led you both through the crowd of teenagers almost too effortlessly.Â
He led you outside and you thanked god the stage that was set up for his band was in the backyard. You walked along the poolside, following closely behind him before you felt someone splash you with water.Â
â Hey what- Kim!â You shouted excitedly as you let go of Joshâs hand to crouch down beside the pool to where Kim was swimming in just her bra and underwear,â youâre not even wearing a swimsuit? You dirty bitch.â
Kim laughed as she rested her hands against the edge of the pool,â Took you two long enough. Joshua, how are you this evening?âÂ
â Itâs going good Kimberly, I hope youâre enjoying yourself,â Josh teased back as Kim playfully rolled her eyes,â Y/N, Iâm gonna check in with the guys real quick. Are you cool to stay here for a second?â
You nodded and shooed Josh with your hand,â Go, Iâll be fine.â
Josh gave you one last nod before jogging over to where his band was setting up. His bandmates had seen you walking over hand in hand with you and were now giving Josh hard pats on his back, as if to say â nice job.âÂ
â Heâs so respectful it physically hurts. Like I know the bar is so low for men but Josh checks every box. Itâs annoying,â Kim sighed as you dragged a lawn chair from the grass and put it next to the edge of the pool to continue talking to your friend,â I would kill to be in your shoes right now. Oh to have two, brown-eyed guys fawn over me!âÂ
You couldnât help but laugh as Kim dramatically placed her hand over her forehead and all you could do was shake your head,â Whatever, you didnât even like Peter. You said so yourself he was a total douchebag.âÂ
â Was a total douchebag and look, not that itâs any competition but Iâm hashtag, team Peter. Iâm a sucker for a good enemies to lovers trope,â Kim sighed as you felt your chest tighten up at her proclamation.Â
You moved your eyes away from Kim as Josh came back over to you,â Did you want me to get you a drink?â
â Thank goodness yes-â
âY/N you should go with him,â Kim insisted as you turned to give her an odd look,â donât get me wrong Joshua, I trust you but ya know, parties and alcohol and...men. Just to be extra safe.âÂ
You wanted to drown Kim on the spot for even insinuating that Josh would do something as terrible as spiking your drink but luckily, Josh gave a sincere nod.Â
â Of course, thatâs not a problem. Men really are the worst,â Josh said casually as the two gave each other a little salute,â ready Y/N?â
Josh interlocked his hand with yours once again as he led you back into the house and through the kitchen as some people called out to greet him.Â
â Look at you Mr. Popular,â You teased as Josh squeezed your hand before opening up the fridge.
â This is your first time drinking right?â Josh asked as you nodded, almost embarrassed,â Hey, thatâs alright. You and I are gonna stick to the light stuff tonight, these taste better anyway.â
Josh pulled out three bottles of Mikeâs Hard Lemonade and popped off the bottlecaps with a bottle opener before pouring it straight into two plastic cups.Â
He tucked the third bottle underneath his arm as you watched him curiously. Josh caught you eyeing his actions as he handed you the cup carefully.Â
â Why not just drink it straight from the bottle?â You asked as you watched Josh take a sip,â I feel like weâre hurting the environment.âÂ
â Looks cooler in a red solo cup,â Josh admitted bashfully as he clinked his cup with yours.Â
You took a small sip, expecting it to burn like how it was always described in coming of age books but surprisingly, the fizzy taste of citrus wasnât overpowering in any way. Josh raised his eyebrows and playfully nudged your shoulder,â See! Itâs good, right? If you drink enough of these, Iâm sure anyone could get tipsy but the goal of this party is to actually remember it the next day.â
There was just something about Josh that made you feel so much safer than anyone else. He didnât tease you for never having gone to a party before or having alcohol; if anything he did his best to make sure you were as comfortable as possible.Â
â Youâre being unreasonably cool, you know that right?âÂ
Josh smiled as he reached for your hand instinctively for the third time that night,â Only for you baby.âÂ
Smooth smooth Josh. Like putty in his hands, he led you back to the backyard but the whole time, you felt your heart practically melt at him calling you baby.Â
Was it pathetic how easily you leaned into his touch? Maybe.Â
But god, he really did make things harder for you. You had come into this party with your eyes on another guy and yet, Josh always managed to turn up the charm whenever necessary and you ate it up.Â
Josh might be the charming, golden boy but you knew you couldnât be too naive. Everyone had flaws, maybe Joshâs was that he was too nice and too friendly, or possibly him being a complete lightweight was the only thing holding him back in life.Â
Lucky bastard.Â
Once you made it to the backyard, you found Kim with a towel around her body, sitting on one of the lawn chairs. Josh walked over and whistled at Kim to look up from her phone, to which he handed her the bottle of Mikeâs and she sounded a quick thanks in response.Â
â Iâm gonna warm up with the guys. Weâre only going to play a quick set but after, Iâm all yours,â Josh promised as his cheeks started to get red at his own words but he turned back around at an attempt to hide his face.Â
You took a seat next to Kim as you felt your heart practically skip a beat,â Heâs really something isnât he?â
â Mm, heâs something alright,â Kim sighed as she struggled to open up the bottle,â dumb bitch, he didnât bring a bottle opener or something?âÂ
â Itâs the thought that counts!â You said back as Kim popped the bottle cap using the metal part of the lawn chair.
As you listened to Joshâs band start their first song, you couldnât help but feel guilty on how you were feeling. A part of you was holding on to the idea of you and Peter being a possibility but things were always so complicated with him.Â
There was more to lose in being with Peter and it was painfully obvious that Josh made things so incredibly easy. You didnât need to walk on eggshells when you were with him and sure, things were new and always changing but Josh could eventually be a person you could lean on.Â
You reminded yourself that Peter âlovedâ you and that you did feel something for him that Josh couldnât make you feel, but it wasnât real love and that alone completely sobered you up from your moodiness,â Cheers Kim.âÂ
She watched as you drank whatever was left in your cup but Kim only oooâd, knowing it wasnât enough to get you drunk.Â
You shook your head as you tried to think of anything but Peter. Tonight was your night to be free and you didnât want to have to worry about who would be waiting for you once you got back home.Â
And yet, deep down, you wondered why a part of you felt like it wasnât right to hold Joshâs hand. Maybe because you knew you liked holding Peterâs more. Even as you looked up at Josh who stole a few glances your way, you silently prayed that it was Peter up on that stage instead.Â
â I canât do this,â You said after a second of overthinking everything as you pulled your phone out of your pocket,â I need to text him.âÂ
â Um fuck no! No drunk texts, that shit is so embarrassing Y/N!â
â This is less than 5% alcohol, I am definitely not drunk Kim,â You mumbled as you slapped her hand away and pulled out your phone to text Peter,â I thought you were on team Peter?âÂ
Y/N: I need you
Y/N: *address*
Kim watched as you texted Peter but before you could send it, Kim leaped out of her seat and snatched the phone out of your hand,â I swear-! Yes, I am a new fan of team Peter, although Josh is getting major brownie points, but I have been a loyal member of team Y/N way before anyone else. Iâm doing you a favor, what is texting him going to solve?âÂ
You pouted as Kim slipped your phone into her bag, unbeknownst to the both of you that the message had accidentally sent.Â
â Now get the hell up and lets dance bitch!â
                             ------
You and Kim had perfected your mental state to a tee; not drunk enough to trip over air and make complete fools of yourselves but tipsy enough to where even the slightest look at each other was enough to make you break out into a fit of laughter.Â
You still âdanced like people were watchingâ but you managed to still let loose enough to where the music flowed so freely between your fingertips.Â
â Josh you guys were great!â You shouted as you pulled him into a surprise hug, which he happily accepted,â I think Iâm officially your number one fan now.â
â Wait in line,â Kim scoffed playfully as she grabbed her bag from the floor,â Iâm gonna go get a cheese plate or something. Donât do anything gross while Iâm gone.âÂ
You shot her a prompt â why would you say thatâ with your eyes before turning back to face Josh. You werenât sure where things would go next but he took your hand and led you to the other side of the backyard to a wooden bench, claiming that he just wanted to rest a bit after singing for so long.Â
The bench was small enough to where your thigh was against his but you didnât mind the contact.Â
â Thanks for coming out by the way. I know these type of things are pretty overwhelming but Iâve been having fun so far. How about you?â Josh asked as you exhaled deeply.Â
â Iâm glad I came...thank you again for convincing me to come out here. I feel like thereâs been a lot of stuff going on at home and itâs kind of nice being a normal teenager for once,â You said honestly as Josh rolled his shoulders back.Â
You could feel how nervous he was next to you but for the most part, he didnât really show it from his facial expression.Â
â Can I ask you something?âÂ
You nodded, trying your best to be as cool as possible but all you could think about was how dry your mouth felt.Â
Oh fuck, the million-dollar question was finally here, wasnât it? Was he going to reveal his feelings? What if he was going to make a move?
â Is there something going on between you and Peter? The other day when I came over, it felt...intense. I didnât want to overstep by coming over or anything,â Josh hesitated as he tested the waters.Â
Oh.Â
Well fuck, that question was just as nerve-wracking as the others. You wanted to be as honest with Josh as possible but at the same time, you didnât want to ruin any chances you had of possibly having him around if Peter didnât work out.Â
You knew that was such a shitty mindset but Josh had a way of making you feel so comfortable and you werenât willing to let that go.Â
â I thought I had something with him but itâs complicated,â You answered honestly,â you saw him, heâs...sick and I feel like the sickness is making him feel things that arenât actually there. I donât know, itâs so weird to explain.âÂ
Josh bit his bottom lip nervously as he hung onto your every word,â So his feelings for you arenât there like he thinks it is?âÂ
God, it sounded so simple the way Josh said it when it was so much worst in reality. Of course, it would be way easier to tell Josh everything from the toxic relationship you and Peter had to how the lovedust was emotionally and physically a toll on both of you.Â
For obvious reason, you could never reveal that much to him.Â
â Yeah, exactly that,â You sighed, sounding a bit too disappointed and Josh had caught the shift in your voice,â feelings are always so complicated.â
â Not all the time,â Josh said quickly as he caught himself,â I mean, liking someone doesnât have to be complicated. Sometimes itâs really easy because love shouldnât hurt, you know?âÂ
You only nodded because you could tell Josh had more to say. He took this opportunity to shift his body to fully face you and you scooted your back against the armrest so you could show him that you were attentive.Â
â I mean, when I like someone, all I think about is how much I like being around them. Everything else kind of just falls away and it feels all warm like how the books describe it,â Josh could feel a blush creep onto his cheeks yet again but he knew there was no point in covering it up now,â itâs a cliche but I think when you have a crush on someone, everything just falls into place... And I feel that when Iâm with...you.â
Your heart practically drew closer to him because what is going on, this was different. Even though Peter had generally been saying the same things to you for days on end, this was more.Â
There wasnât some magic space dust that was making Josh confess his feelings, it was just pure humanistic drive to step out of oneâs comfort zone that had tugged on Josh harder than ever before.Â
As if time had slowed down, you watched closely as Josh placed his hand onto your knee before leaning in, getting dangerously close to your lips. Josh stopped only a mere centimeter before your lips touched, as if to give you a chance to back away and yet, you stood still.Â
You were trying to make sense of what your heart and your gut were telling you but you thought back to Peter admitting to you that the love he felt for you was a side effect of the lovedust, nothing more and nothing less.Â
Peter would never like you back.Â
Thatâs what pushed you over the edge and so, you closed the gap between you and Josh as you kissed him back. You could feel Josh smiling against your lips but the pure sensation of the kiss didnât last.Â
Kim had witnessed everything in slow motion. The text from Peter, indicating that he had entered and was heading to the backyard to watching Josh lean in to kiss you. It was like a sick hypothetical they always asked in ethics classes when presenting the Trolley Dilemma and yet, she barely had enough time to make a decision.Â
All she could do was shout but it was a little too late. Peter saw everything.Â
He saw you close the space between your lips and Joshâs. He saw Josh smile against your lips. He saw you pull away before leaning in for more.Â
Peter knew what was coming next, he practically braced for the pain that he knew was coming because just earlier the same day, he had a miniature version of it. But he never expected the pain to be this unbearable.Â
His ribs felt like someone had just swung a bat into the center of his chest and he could feel every bone splitting into various small fragments that were too small to ever glue back together. Each little fragment of whatever was left had seemingly pierced his heart in a thousand different places as more and more pressure starting to build in his chest.Â
He couldnât even let out a cry for help, not even a whimper because no air could come in through his mouth.Â
The fear alone made his chest tighten up to the point where he felt his lungs almost give in from inside of him. His vision was the next to get blotched out with a violent array of reds and oranges, moving at a fast kaleidoscopic rhythm that sent Peter deeper into a panic.
The last to give was his legs; the dizziness from the complete distortion had made his knees buckle from the pain, sending him straight into the pool.Â
You heard Kim cry out first as she pushed her way through a crowd that was blocking the door. You moved away from Josh to find the commotion and even though you couldn't see who fell into the water, you knew deep down who it was.Â
You ran over to the edge of the pool and without a second thought, you dived into the water. Josh quickly followed behind you; it took him only a second to kick off his shoes before he jumped in after you.Â
What scared you the most was how eerily quiet it was underwater. You could hear some muffled shouts but thatâs not what was so quiet. His body was motionless in the water, there was no sign of struggling or thrashing or convulsing like how it was in the movies.Â
Everything just felt slow as you desperately reached your arms out to swim faster to him. You only had one focus once you wrapped your arms across his chest and kicked up to the surface. In your mind, you were already going through how you would start compressions on him once you reached the top.Â
You were panicked and scared but you knew you had to pull yourself together, pushing away any thoughts of how far gone Peter could be.Â
You broke the surface with Peter in your arms as you called out to someone, anyone to take him from your arms. Kim and one of Joshâs bandmates helped lift Peterâs lifeless body onto the concrete as Kim quickly called 9-1-1.Â
Her hands were shaking as she tried to press the three buttons and after an eternity, they picked up the phone.Â
You scrambled up from the pool and hovered over Peterâs body and without a second thought, you started doing CPR.Â
For a moment, thatâs all you were thinking. Like a machine, over and over again on an endless cycle, chest compressions, open his airway, give rescue breaths. When you found yourself thinking about how panicked everyone else was and how pale Peter looked underneath you, you continued to give compressions until you felt like your arms would snap from the pressure.Â
You donât know how much time has passed but enough to where there wouldâve been a sign by now. You sobbed for Peter and kept calling out to him, your voice shaking like a child, the same child who lost her parents all those years ago. The same child who held that heavy towel, pressing it against her fathers chest to stop the bleeding- no.Â
You couldnât think about that, this was different. You could save him. You kept reminding yourself over and over as you did a round of chest compressions, opened his airway, and gave more rescue breaths. Over and over. Non-stop.Â
Again and again without hesitation.Â
At this point, you couldn't stop your mind from thinking of Peter and the possibility of him actually dead. How long was he under? What had happened before? He mustâve seen the kiss- oh my god you killed him.Â
You can feel it, building up inside of you like an unstoppable path set ablaze like pure lava.Â
You thought about never hearing his laugh again, the one where he would grip his sides so hard, he would wheeze like an old dog toy. Chest compressions. Airway. Rescue breaths.Â
You thought about him never calling out your name, whether it was followed by an insult or a loving comment about how you made him feel. Chest compressions. Airway. Rescue breaths.Â
You thought about never touching him again, his strong arms holding your shaking body when you had that awful nightmare or how perfect his hand fit in yours when you two walked together in the rain. Chest compressions. Airway. Rescue breaths.Â
You thought about never telling him how you actually felt, how stupid you were forever letting him get away because it was him all along. Chest compressions. Airway. Rescue breaths.Â
It was always him.Â
You were in love with Peter.Â
And suddenly, almost finally, Peter jolted up and coughed up the water from his lungs.Â
You stopped the compressions and held your own breath as Peter continued to cough up more water, his eyes squeezed shut.Â
â Peter? Can you hear me?â You called out between your choked cries as you snapped your fingers close to his ear.
After a moment, an agonizing moment, Peter nodded, as everyone else collectively let out the breath they didnât know they were holding. Peter opened his eyes slowly, taking in everything like it was his first time seeing the world.Â
â Oh thank god, donât worry, help is coming. Stay awake for me, okay?â You sighed in relief as you tucked a strand of wet hair behind your ear,â Iâm so glad youâre okay.âÂ
When his eyes lock onto yours, he feels an odd sense of deja vu that he canât explain. His chest isnât tight anymore, his hands donât feel as clammy as before, his mind feels almost cleared.Â
He focused on your eyes while everything else drowned out around him. Your pupils, theyâre big and theyâre filled with a heavy deal of worry but thereâs something else. Your eyes, heâs looked into them so many times before but why is it different?Â
As shaken up as you are, you manage to cup his face carefully to console him, or more so yourself. Your hands are shaking but theyâre warm against his cheek and he canât help but reach his hand to lay across the hand thatâs cupping his face.Â
Peter feels his face flush, but this time itâs different, itâs...euphoric? Peter wasnât even sure if he was saying the word correctly but thatâs how he felt.Â
Your eyes, heâs so enamored by the way youâre looking at him. You were worried of course, but no, there was something else.Â
â Youâre safe Peter, youâre okay.âÂ
â Donât worry I got you.â
â Just breath for me, okay?âÂ
There it was, the same deja vu. You had said that to him before, or maybe he had said it to you before through broken sobs when you had the nightmare.Â
Peterâs breath hitched as it all finally hit him, he figured it out just by holding your deep gaze.Â
Oh my god.
The lovedust had worn off, it was gone. All the anxiety and nerves from having it in his system had disappeared, evaporated off of him almost. The chest pains and the shortness of breath had gone away but Peter still felt something pulling, tugging at his heartstrings.Â
The lovedust was gone, he knew that well enough.
 The only thing he could feel as he stared back at you was a pure, undivided, longing for you.Â
Thatâs right, Peter Parker was still hopelessly in love with you, no lovedust required.
Taglist (closed):
@eridanuswaveâ @juliet-wintersonâ @akacalumtrashâ @ilovepeterparker13â
@parkerboopâ @juliebean247â @multi-fan-loverâ @ffffan-----girlll @lukesbabylonâ
@danicarosalineâ @parkeretâ @marvel4geeksâ @hollander69â @spideyyeetâ @spn-assemble-sevenâ @vibraniumdaisiesâ @spaghetittiesbcimgayâ @vi-bi-bye
@lemonsnipsâ @adukyâ @faithfullcompanionâ @stopthemotherfuckingmusic
@satellitespidey @foreverparkâ @marvelobsessedteenagerâ @deadpoetsbackup
@zalladaneâ @starcourt-sâ @parkersinfinitywarâ @stargazingcarolâ @littlesugarbâ
@itsteph13â @jennasmmithâ @liljennyx3â @harryspetâ  @todaynotseen @oh-whatabeautiful-parkerâ  @tiny-friggin-human @popluckbih   niiight-dreamerrrr   sovereignparker  marie-is-in-the-darkbuckyboy-soldier  maia030  parkershoco wolverinesbeer  cherrysruin  sunkissdes  kiainspace  songofcosplay spideylovin write-from-the-heart  thatcrazywhovian09  eternallyvenusthollandxmsrawog  idiosadeoro  imawkwardandherewearefoundwolvesthequeen-oni silverwolf-sama  inspiring-beamultiversegalaxygirl lastupidebitchette idekwho1am
silverwolf-sama  wishing-wanting  annoyinglyloudcomputer  faithful-music akacalumtrash  agusdoti  panickedbrain serendipitous-amorshannonthewriter-blog   darth-andy  farfromtom  xroselightsmurdermornings dorbiksbitch  baby-unidorn  yes-multi-fandom-girl multiversegalaxygirl a-disappointing-teen-author  rivas0309 vlogsquad-wannabe  spicy-embryoo  takemetoneverland420teenage-tragedy  roxybefab  hopebaker  timeless-crowmarvel4geeks  desteweirdo  panicattheeverywherekid  miragee3cjphoenix135 liawhite03 zeusmysterboinkybarnesleftarmaunicornmademedoitActionsMinimizeClosetomshufflepuff  drishtisikarwar  peterparkoure frantasmic jillanaholland  imdoingathingmom shawni-h  lukesbabylon  dsl1999  queenmochi heyarely16  jokersqueenofchaos  agusdoti  karmaboundlife lalabruhh  blackloveangel13  flufflymota07  un-viaje-en-las-estrellas lozzybowe  teenwolfrebel  panickedbrain
spaghetittiesbcimgay  itscaminow shirukitsune petersquips buckybsxroselights saucyparkerr zeusmyster msmimimertonfudgemesteveharrington 1999yanira boinkybarnesleftarm  parayeet-amiright peterparkoure  zoey-one-oh-fun drishtisikarwar theunicorndinosaur spideylovin flufflymota07 marzbarz1360 sspidermanss honeyheartzz overcaffeinatedbuttired @toreadortowriteâ kyarahollander2013 my-soul-is-the-moon marvel-snowbaz cuddlefishpeter 1-800-jackgrazer spicy-embryoo shannonthewriter-blog  @tomshufflepuffâÂ
#peter parker#peter parker x reader#peter parker headcanon#peter parker smut#peter parker hc#peter parker imagine#peter parker imagines#tom holland#tom holland x reader#tom holland headcanon#tom holland hc#tom holland imagine#spiderman#spiderman x reader#spiderman headcanon#spiderman hc#spiderman imagine#spiderman imagines#marvel#marvel x reader#marvel headcanon#marvel hc#marvel imagines#avengers#avengers x reader#avengers headcanon#spiderman homecoming#spiderman hoco#hoco#homecoming
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
okay so i started working at jimmy johns in early febuary of this year. i needed a job rlly bad and money desperately, just something to keep me afloat and to afford food. what i experienced...i was not at all prepared for lmao. i was sexually harassed, verbally harassed, had my hours fucked with, had management and even the owners of the company who could give a fuck less about their employees, had to deal with my fellow coworkers AND managers being on k2 and other drugs, and the final fucking straw which was getting my tip money stolen from me OUT OF THE SAFE BY A MANAGER. i started working as a delivery driver. which was INCREDIBLY stress inducing at first bc i worked at the one right downtown. i had to deal with
i started working as a delivery driver. which was INCREDIBLY stress inducing at first bc i worked at the one right downtown. i had to deal with
traffic, pedestrians NOT LOOKING WHERE THE FUCK THEY WERE GOING DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY PPL I ALMOST KILLED CAUSE /THEY/ DID NOT LOOK, we have âparking policeâ and i legit got about 15-20 tickets during my time there bc that asshole was out for blood and anytime he saw my car, even if i wasnt parked illegally (oh did i mention we had like 3 parking spots all on the street and all with a 2 hour limit (: ) or hadnt been parked in a spot for the full 2 hours. so there was that.Â
see when i first started everything was fine. we had good employees who worked hard and did what they had to do. they were all stoners, but whatever i could care less about that. SO. our assistant manager, he was a mess. racist, homophobic, rude, loud. the worst. we would do dabs out in his car (yeah i know but i worked at a fucking jimmy johns) and he would just say the most questionable shit. i remember this one time he saw my phone background was a pic of me and my bf and was like âoh you like black guys? whatâs your sex like? i bet itâs really goodâ and im not gonna go into too much detail here, bc it upset me and its racist, but he kept going and said some REALLY creepy shit i was like wtf and told him to never speak to me like that again or i would report him for sexual harassment (side note: one time he thought i did report him for sexual harassment and was like âwho are you gonna buy weed from now?â LITERALLY ANYONE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.) he would always be like âDAMN THICKâ whenever i would bend over and do everything. I TOLD MY MANAGER AT THE TIME. she didnât do anything. AND the owners of the franchise definitely knew bc like...thereâs cameras and they can hear everything we say? but no one did fucking anything. and i needed the money bad so i had to stay. of course i told him off constantly. he was white and always saying the n word. just a piece of fucking shit.Â
i think the happiest day of my life was when he FINALLY got fired. my manager had to go to another city for a week and help out that jimmy johns bc i guess ALL the employees and managers did a walk out (yeah this happens at all the jimmy johns owned locally in my area i wish i was kidding) and left his inept ass in charge. it took him 5 mins to make sandwiches (FREAKY FAST hello????) he was just a poor manager. but THEN he started using k2 again. and he was a zombie. there was no point of him even being there bc like he would just go to the back of the store and just stand in front of the freezer door staring for like 10-15 mins at a time.i was a driver and didnt know how to make sandwiches yet and this bitch seriously was just standing there cracked out of his mind on k2 in FRONT of customers (and i will say our customers were SO nice at least) takking phone calls slurring his words. it was embarrassing. i rememeber i had 2 customers who had waited almost a HALF HOUR for ONE sandwich bc i was having a panic attack and losing my fucking mind trying to make their sandwiches while he was in his truck getting high and refusing to come in. one of the customers actually gave me a tip and told me i was doing great and the other one was like âim so sorry this is happening to you, that guy is fucked upâ. anyway, he passed out on k2 in his truck one night and got the cops called on him and got banned from the property :) i still saw him from time to time and he looked disgusting & miserable and it made me so happy.Â
mostly we just had grown ass employees, fucking 30 year olds, just acting like children. always on drugs. i had one coworker pretend to slap my ass and i called him out and he was like âitâs a joke im not apologizingâ. people would try to take deliveries from me. AND LET ME JUST SAY, not even to fucking brag even slighly but i was the best worker there my entire time there bc regardless of where im working i am giving my 100% every day and no one else there would. but ppl always tried to step over me and did not respect me. we had one coworker who had 3 felonies and one day like 4-5 cops came to our store to tell us to call the cops the next time he showed up for work (surprise surprise he fled bc they took an hour to get to the store despite the fact we were literally like not even 4 blocks from the police station) and he was always high on k2. forever late. day after day no call no show. he had his friend get hired on who would go down to subway and talk shit about subway in his uniform??? lmao and subway called us one day and was like âcan yall not?â he also threatened to burn down the store and then my manager (who was always on a power trip if weâre being honest) purposefully withheld his paycheck to fuck with him, because he was fucking with her, so we dealt with him WAY longer than we should have?Â
then this one bitch that became manager, SOMEHOW, we were seriously always that desperate for staff and we hire anyone bc the managers are overworked af and just want to take the load off. anyway, SHE was always high on k2 as well. and she would always overshare rlly traumatic personal things from her life to me and all the customers and its like....girl we dont wanna hear that pls try and get some help. she was not currently being abused, i wanna specify. she was talking about things from her past. i sympathized with her but like im a victim of dv too lmao i dont wanna see your bruises without being asked first. and then i remember one day i left my money bag there (i kept my tips in it and had like $37 in there or something) and this bitch who was making MORE MONEY THAN ME seriously fucking went into the safe (we caught her on camera lmao) and stole that money out of my bag and left a few bills to make it seem less suspicious i guess??? lied about it to my face? then quit bc she âwasnt gonna sit there and be accused of something i didnt doâ like ok lmao
then to top it all off at one point my old manager just stopped giving a fuck and the store went to shit and we got complaint after complaint and she started being so rude to all of her staff, including myself (and we were like besties so i was devastated) and she cut my hours when she was submitting our work times for the checks because i would clock in early to help out....LIKE SHE ASKED? and it was just everything i said to her...her response was just the most rude and hateful voice and just....it was so rude. i cried every single day after work. she eventually got replaced and then quitÂ
but then this new manager, whom i loved, was very depressed and just had a lot wrong with him mentally but he was still very....drama starting and attention seeking. he would talk about suicide nonstop 24/7 and not to be callous but it just made me so uncomfortable and triggered me so much? they did overwork him and i will attest and agree to that and he had a lot on his shoulders but he couldve gone to mcdonalds literally any day and gotten a job with better hours, better pay, and better benefits. i kept telling him over and over to leave bc he had so much managerial experience he couldve been hired anywhere! all resteraunts down here are perpetually hiring, especially for managers! i would know bc i was looking for another job lmao. but heâd text me every night saying things like âwell lets hope i drink myself to deathâ âsuicide is painlessâ etc. and it was just......VERY uncomfortable for me, as someone who has attempted suicide and still struggles with ideation from time to time lmao it was just the most triggering environment everÂ
like idk how i lasted that long but i worked my ass off, saved up my money, have a good paying job and im trying my best to forget this entire experience (honestly i did have some good times) but i really dont....think i can lmaoÂ
ON A POSTIVE NOTE: we had some of the kindest and most caring customers ive ever had in my life. i was shocked. but the amount of times i had a shitty customer in my entire time there i can count on one hand lmao like....even when they were shitty they were like âim sorry i know yall work hard and everythingâ like i miss my customers SO MUCH because we actually had relationships with them and shit and ugh god. if the customers were shitty tho i would never have kept this job lmfaoÂ
i stayed at this job simply bc i made enough money for rent and my bills perfectly and it was one of the few jobs where i was paid an hourly wage + tips. and i wanted my next job to be a job in my field. thatâs why i stuck around so long, it took some time to do that.
so yeah theres my mess i love anyone who read this and you can have my first born and be the beneficiary to my life insurance when i die
#tw: racism#tw: sexism#tw: suicide#tw: drugs#idk...what else to warn y'all about. just know this is a fucking#mess#i mean these arent horrific mentions of any of these things but i dont wanna trigger anyone unintentionally#better safe than sorry with tws
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
So, talking about early life and some of the things that im pretty sure fucked me up for adult life. under a cut cos boy will it be long and poorly written *finger guns*
i was gonna do this as like a timeline of things that happened, with explanations and shit, but instead im just gonna do a highlight reel, cos why not
My brother and i used to share a room for years, including when my younger brother and sister were born, grew up, and then got their own rooms while luke and i had to share a room into our teens. we fought, a lot, because we were kids and also stupid
when we were sharing a room it would become a huge mess, mostly because we were preteens and why would we put away the toys we were always playing with? anyways, our stepdad would often give us an hour to clean our rooms, which would have been plenty of time if we didnt get distracted by out toys, as kids do. if we didnt get it cleaned in time (which we pretty much never did) we would get flogged. not like a gentle smack to enforce weâd done something wrong (like how you might smack a friends arm when they say something wrong or offensive) but full on belting, often with some kind of tool. he broke a couple duster over our backsides. we would sob for ages afterwards, and often rush around or hide when we heard him coming because we were afraid
i was afraid of him physically hurting me even after i was an adult. i think i was 20 before i had had enough and decided if he ever touched me again iâd fight back. when i was 16 i wanted my eyebrow pierced. he told me if i ever did he would tear it from my face. i got it done when i moved out at 19, and had a panic attack the first time i had to go home because i was 100% convinced he would. my mum had to pull me aside after dinner to tell me he wouldnât, but to be honest i didnt really believe her
i have two younger step siblings, who were treated as angels, while my brother and i were treated like shit constantly. When my step-brother threw a tantrum and threatened my brother and me with a knife, he got a âtalking toâ, but not before my brother and me were screamed at for being shitty brothers (his temper tantrum was because we kept telling him he had to clean his room before our parents got him. he never did clean it)
once, my step brother was given 3 days to clean his room. days after the deadline, my mum told put her foot down. My girlfirend and i (i had moved out at this point) were visiting and helping get the place ready for xmas. My step brother refused to clean, screamed at me when i reminded him he only had today to do it, literally went crying to mum when she got home from work. I got yelled at,, by both mum and my step dad, until my grilfriend stepped in to defend me. apparently my step brother had told them i hit him, yelled at him and locked him in his room. at this point in my life, i literally couldnt give a shit whether he cleaned his room or not as i didnt live there, so all i did was remind him and let it go
for a few months when i was 18 i worked with my stepdad at a steel mill (the pay was almost worth deal with his bullshit). i had made plans a week in advance to go out with friends, and asked my stepdad multiple times to warn me in advance if i had to work the next day. the day of going out came, i told him that if i had to work to let me know by 10pm, because i would have enough time to come home and be functional for work. He never got in contact, so i stayed out all night and crashed at a friends place. 5am comes around and i get an angry phone call from my mum. my stepdad was pissed that i was out and wasnt ready for work. She knew that i had asked to be told by 10pm, but they both had âforgotâ, and it was my fault, because i should have come home anyway. this was not the last time they would forget to tell me my shifts (my stepdad literally gave everyone their shifts, he had no excuse). i ended up getting picked up and dragged to work (i was too afraid of him to say no at this point) and went to work very hungover, which was very dangerous at a steel mill, but i was so afraid of him beating me that i put up with it
During my preteens i was part of an athletics club. i liked it, and enjoyed the field events far more then the track events. i hated running, because i would get really bad shin splints. no one believed me, and mum thought i was just lazy. i got into the regional championships for discus and high jump, and state for javelin. everyone was excited for me to go, but when i didnt place no one talked about it again. i felt so guilty over failing i stopped trying as hard. i did well at the weekly events, but never well enough to compete again.
i played soccer for years until mum got a weekend job and couldnt take us. my teammates thought i was useless and would never let me have the ball. one day, when we were short people, i got placed as a forward. i kept up with the others, and even scored a few goals. i got cheered for that game, and finally thought i would be accepted and make friends, but then the next week was back on the bench
similar happened when is started playing basketball instead of soccer (it ran on weeknights instead of weekends). i almost gave up until one of my teammates pulled me aside and actually tested me. when he found i could play, he started including me in games, passing to me and teaching me better techniques. i crushed on him so hard before i even knew what that meant. i never saw him again after that season, so when the next season came with an almost all new team, mixed with the emotional strain of school, i gave up on sports
school was very hard for me growing up. i got bullied alot through both primary and high school (even university, but by that point it didnt bother me as much)
i was a very sensitive child. i would cry whenever i felt too much of any emotion, including happiness. People told me for years to âsuck it upâ, to stop crying, or better, that theyâd âgive me something to cry aboutâ. this lead to me bottling my emotions and literally beating myself whenever i would cry that i physically couldnt shed a tear for over a decade.
i felt so disconnected from everyone in my life that when i was around 12 i decided to try to kill myself. being a stupid kid i thought i could hold my breath until i died. i tried 3 times over about 6 months. it never clicked that it wouldnt work, i just became more scared of death then i did of my bullies.
i ran away from school twice in the same year. the first time one of my bullies set off a cap gun next to me, then started yelling about how i did it. i was so afraid of getting in trouble, not just by my teacher, but by my parents that i just ran. i ended up coming back to the school 30 mins later, after both my parents and the police had been called. no one wanted to hear why i had done it, they just wanted to be angry that i left school grounds.
i dont remember why i did it the second time, but i was gone maybe 5 mins before i came back, fearing not only my parents but the police this time. i knew i would be in worse trouble, but i just couldnt be in the school anymore.
one time, when we had a sex education class, i explained to a âfriendâ that i didnt like talking about this stuff, cos it made me feel weird (not in a sexual way, but like, grossed out weird) he told everyone i got an erection in class, and people called me boner boy for months. that was actually not long before i tried to commit suicide for the first time
i thought things would be better in high school because i went to a different school then everyone i knew (i missed my friends, but i figured id get a new start). instead i got bullied from day one. the jockish kids in my class saw i was an easy target because at this point i still cried at the drop of a hat. some of those bullies from day one bullied me all the way through to senior year.
as i hit puberty i stopped being so emotional (well, i bottle it up more) and instead became angry at everything. i would lash out at everyone, and when i couldnt lash out at people i hit things. i split my knuckles on walls and doors many times
once, in the library, one of my bullies stole my wallet. he took all the money out, then threw the empty wallet at me and laughed. i snapped and threw the chair i was sitting on at him. i missed, but he dropped the money. i got sent to the vice principals office, where i explained what happened. he called in the other boy, who denied it all. no one else had seen, so i got in trouble and he got off
it was in highschool that i learnt that pain could help clear the bad feelings from my head, and started to self harm. i hated the feeling of cutting, so i burned myself, or scratched mosquito bites and small cuts until that got so bad they would scar
i used to try really hard in to be a good student in high school. i was in the âgifted and talentedâ classes in primary school, so whenever i didnt do well (i never failed, just was never top of my class) i got told i had âso much potentialâ. no one ever saw the effort i did put in. When the school sent a letter home one time to congratulate me on getting the second top score in a test, i heard nothing of it. i found the letter a few weeks after it had been sent, opened. neither my mum nor stepdad had said anything about it. soon after i decided there was no point in trying if people only ever cared when i failed
i got into a fist fight one day at school. they didnt call my folks, so my mum found out when i got home with a black eye. we got into a fight about it, because i didnt want to talk to her about what happened. when confronted i broke down, and told her that i wanted to die. she yelled at me about being selfish while smacking me across the face multiple times. i decided not to talk to her about how i felt anymore, because i couldnt understand how you could beat someone who just said they wanted to die. to this day everytime i try to talk to her about any serious emotional stuff i start to break down and just cant do it
i to bullied about being gay for so many years that when i started to have feelings for other men i buried them and tried not to think about it. i spent years being scared that i might be gay, worried about what would happen to me if i was. When i started to think about my gender ( i didnt understand gender at the time) and how i wished i had been born a woman, i buried that and just assumed it was puberty hormones fucking with me. i still cant think about it without almost having an anxiety attack. i have so many years of self hatred, of poor body images and of people telling me i was ugly/fat/gross that i cant see myself as anything but
i finally calmed down emotionally around 17/18. senior year. at this point i tried my best to ignore my bullies and the voices in my head. i just wanted school to end so i could run away somewhere. i wanted to go to university to study forensic science. i had two different teachers tell me i wasnt smart enough, and that i would never get into uni. i ended up failing my HSC and having to do a bridging course to get into uni. the course was so good, in both how they taught in the environment (it was held at the univeristy) that i more then doubled my ATAR and got accepted into the two top forensic science courses (in hindsight i chose the worse of the two, but i didnt know at the time)
university was mixed years. i made some amazing friends and learnt some great stuff, but also had to deal with some absolute dickheads. It was a small country town where the only things to do outside study was to drink and play football. id given up on playing sports years before hand, and 9 out of 10 of the football players were super racist and homophobic. One of them raped a friend of mine and the university defended him. thats when my friends and i decided we had to leave campus. add to that that i found out at the end of my third year i had been doing the wrong course for the job i wanted, i quit uni and left
TL:DR - theres a lot of shit that fucked me up, but typing it all out i cant tell if it actually fucked me up or if im just whining about normal shit. ahh well. better to get it out then keep it in
Tune in next time folks! Same Bat-time! same Bat-channel!
1 note
·
View note