#she knows he’s hurting. they both are. he’s just making it her burden too instead of fixing his own shit

[tojikai]

Sundered (Alt. Ending): CRUSH

Pairing: Gojo x reader - Toji x reader (this part)

• Part 1  |  Part 2   | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Alt. Ending

Sundered+ (COMMISSION)

Genre: Angst

tags/cw: angst, babydaddy!gojo, babymomma!reader, motherhood, insecurities, arguments

word count: 5.8k

a/n: here it is! (it's late, sorry. not proofread too😭) im forever grateful to you all who waited and supported the sundered series and for supporting my other stories too. i cant do much but this means so much. ily.

If you never talk to him again, he will miss you forever.

“Do I not deserve it?” You asked him, almost flinching at your words when you promised yourself you’d never ask anyone that. Toji sighed, taking both of your hands and bringing them to his lips. “Not this. You deserve more than this. You deserve to be genuinely happy without sacrificing anything, without feeling spent.”

Your brows furrowed, trying to contain another flood of tears threatening to overflow from your already swollen eyes. Why does it always have to be so hard when it's you? When it was Satoru who tried to move on, he did with Naomi. You wouldn’t say it was a breeze for them but you just know it was never this hard.

Naomi and Satoru stayed together for a year, being the family you couldn’t give your child. And now you, you couldn’t even make it work with Toji. Why do you always have to feel stuck? Why does he refuse to take your hand and pull you out of this void that is slowly sucking you down?

Along with these thoughts, you felt a squeeze in your hand. “Y/N?” Toji called, “Y/N, it’s gonna be alright.”  No, it’s not, you thought. The roof of your mouth tastes bitter against your tongue; so bitter that it burns. “It’s not. But it’s alright. I just don’t want you to feel burdened with this, alright?” You reached up to his face, eyes wandering.

“I’m sorry.” You felt selfish. You felt so selfish for not thinking about how this void of yours could pull him down with you instead of him pulling you up. You felt so selfish for wanting him to keep hurting just so you could feel safe. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this, I didn’t realize it would be this hard on you too.” Your throat feels tight all of a sudden.

You stepped away from him, sniffing as you wiped your tears away. You couldn’t remember what else he said, you couldn't remember how you ended up in that room alone, crying as you clutched your chest, blaming yourself for wearing out such a good man.

You couldn’t remember, or more like you chose not to carve into your memory how that day ended. The only image you can see in your head is how he cuddled you to sleep, woke you up to eat with him and the kids, and went home. You remember him saying that they could always visit. And you hated yourself for doubting him.

Now you smooth out the bed, rearranging the pillows and gaslighting yourself that you’ve been the only one sleeping on it all this time just so it wouldn't feel so unfamiliar. You changed the sheets and prayed you wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night, reaching for the man you love. 

And the fact that this wouldn’t be the first time that you would do so…

You remembered how you would wake up and break down at midnights during the first few months of your separation from Satoru, weeping as you ran to your daughter’s crib just to remind yourself to be stronger, locking your phone away to not call and embarrass yourself in front of him and his then-new girlfriend again.

You heard the sound of the video your daughter was watching as she sat on the bean bag in the corner of your room. “Mama, look it.” You heard her tiny footsteps tap the floor as she ran to you, holding the phone out. The screen flashed with Toji’s caller ID, “Thank you, baby.” You kissed her cheek as you picked her up to sit her on your lap. 

“Yeah?,” You answered, hearing a sigh from the other end. You pulled your toddler closer to you just as she started to move near the edge of the bed. You that your voice didn’t sound hoarse at all. You didn’t cry as hard as you did with Satoru, but it was painful enough that you had to pause some chores just so you could think of a solution to fix it. 

You doubted there was a fix and if there was, you felt like Toji would only be trying out of pity for you.

You’re tired of that. You don’t want people to feel sorry for you anymore. You feel like you’ve been nothing but pitiful every year of your life. Your dad gave up on you and your mother, your baby daddy gave up on your relationship with him and now you feel like you caused Toji to give up on you too. 

Your brows bumped together at the thoughts and you were quick to shake your head, hoping it would shed off the searing pain in your chest as well. You can't have self-pity when you have a child. You’re determined to be better for her. Your index finger found its place on your lips, listening to your ex’s voice.

“Just wanna know how you’re doing.�� You wanted to laugh, not to mock him but because you don’t really know how to explain how you feel to him. You decided to answer it from the surface, “I am okay, surprisingly.” You sniffed, hearing a sigh from the other end of the line and a tiny laugh from Megumi, probably watching something on his iPad. 

You would say it’s too early for him to call you, but this whole breakup isn’t even like the normal ones. You broke up for each other's well-being. Not because you fought, not because one of you cheated, not because you just started to hate each other. You broke up wanting only the best for each other.

“I know this is for the best.” You wanted to help Toji feel better about this decision. You could tell that there was guilt on his part. He probably feels like what he did was just an inch kinder than Satoru’s way of leaving you. That would eat him inside. The last thing Toji wants to do is shatter all your progress.

“I don’t feel the best about it.” There was no hint of amusement in his chuckle, no trace of smile in his words. You don’t even know if he meant to say he feels bad for doing this to you. You don’t want to assume that he’s not doing better away from you because you’re pretty sure he’s more relaxed now that he doesn’t have to worry about his girlfriend thinking of someone even when she’s with him. 

“Please, don’t dwell on it. I, uh, I have thought things through and it’s… it’s just getting kind of lighter for me.” You blinked away each tear that came with the lies that are flowing out of your tongue. It’s not getting any lighter. If anything, the crushing weight is still continuously pressing down on you and you know any time soon, you might break down in this phone call.

“I don’t know if I can trust your words…” Aside from the fact that it has only been a day, Toji thought back on your last conversation before you broke up. He’s well-aware of your tendencies to push all of your feelings aside  because you blame yourself for the fall of your relationship. You would probably shoulder all of this again, like you did with your separation from Satoru.

Toji isn’t all clean here but he doesn’t know how to get that to you. You can be very stubborn when it comes to these things especially when it concerns your past. It’s an unhealed part of you and Toji can’t help but feel like your previous arguments, his words to 

you and how he made you feel contributed to it rather than alleviate it.

“Toji, this isn't good for me. For us,” You’re not talking about your relationship with him but it’s about him contacting you. “I know that we’re still good, we broke up to save each other,” you laughed half-heartedly, “Our kids are friends, of course, we can’t just throw that away, but for now…” You took a deep breath.

“For now, let’s give each other space. I’m not mad at you, I could never hate you but, Toji, this isn’t helping me at all.” The crack in your voice sent a blow to Toji’s heart, “I…I want to be able to talk to you, see you and visit Megumi with Yui without feeling the guilt of letting something so good slip away so, please...” You took a deep, painful breath.

“Let’s just give each other some space. Just until I have picked myself up again.” You covered your mouth, desperate to turn away from your child who’s been starting to glance at you. Toji’s silence felt like it could squeeze you, like a soundless bubble getting smaller and smaller around you. 

“I’m sorry. I…I shouldn’t have called.” Of course, you’re not fine, Is he out of his mind? The voices in Toji’s head knocked sense into him as he realized what he did. How could he be so insensitive? Is it because he knows of his crimes, the source of his guilt and how he didn’t think it would affect him as much as it does now?

Now, even this breakup feels selfish. How could he just decide to leave when you’ve been trying so hard? He’s not different from your baby daddy—running away when they couldn’t handle the pressure, leaving you to clean up after the mess. Toji closed his eyes tight, clearing his head, begging himself to say the right words and make the correct decisions.

“I—I’m still here for you always, alright? Take care, Y/N. Kiss Yui good night for me.” He spoke slowly, fighting the loss in the empty space he’s staring at, absorbing your soft hums and apology as he continued, “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry, baby. It took every fiber in his baby not to say it like that. For your sake. And for him. 

If you never talk to him again, he will miss you forever.

You put the phone down, feeling your daughter’s head on your chest as she stared up at you. Your mother once said that children do not understand these things yet but they feel their parents’ pain when it happens. And just like that, it’s almost as if your baby girl can read you. Her eyes says that she wants to help but doesn’t know how because she doesn’t eve understand it.

“Mama sad?” Her voice was small, it’s amazing that even at her age she knows how to try and soothe you. She knows that this is not the time to be playful without even knowing the situation. All she knows is that her mother is sad and crying. “No, mama’s just tired.” You smiled at her and for the first time she seems hesitant to reciprocate it.

“Mama sleep.” She got suddenly, bouncing her way to the spot next to you as she gets into a curled sleeping position. She’s a smart child. You laid down next to her, cuddling her small frame for as long as she can sit still but it wasn’t long before she was playing again, forgetting about it all. She’s still a baby after all. But this kid right here is the one who will always pull you out of the waters.

You wished that you could forget and get over this as quickly as this baby does, You wished it would all just fly out of your mind, that you could just throw up all of the pain out of your heart. You wished that you could just dust off the broken pieces of your relationship from your clothes, that you could scrub away the pain in the shower and watch it flow down the drain.

—————————-

“Look, I know Yui’s always been our priority but if you need a bit of time for yourself, you know you can leave Yui with me.” Satoru came earlier than expected. You can tell that he’s trying to stay inside the ‘boundaries’ as he struggled to find the right words to say about your breakup with Toji.

“You should take a break from work, if you think that’s what you need, I will-“ You placed a hand on his arm, stopping him. Satoru doesn’t want to seem like he’s taking advantage of the situation, that’s the last thing he wants to do. As painful as it is to admit it, he knows that you love Toji. 

“Thanks. But it’s alright. We’re good, we’re just…not dating anymore.” You forced out a laugh, trying to make it better than how it really is. It’s clear to Satoru that you’re having a hard time. He could see it in your face, your eyes. Satoru remembered those times when he would do anything just to avoid looking at you and seeing how badly he broke you.

He was heartless for letting himself make you feel like that. He was stupid for letting you feel like that. 

“Thanks. But it’s alright. We’re good, we’re just…not dating anymore.” You let out a laugh, retracting your hand away as you reached for the towel to wipe your daughter’s food-stained cheek. “Megumi and Yui still play together, I mean they’re besties now, right?” Yui giggled at the mention of her friend.

As much as Satoru wants to have another chance with you, he just doesn’t think he would deserve it just like that. Also, he doesn’t think he can see you like this everyday. Now he wants to talk to Toji. If it’s because of his interactions with you then Satoru himself would volunteer to give the big guy the assurance he wants. 

It would be painful for Satoru but to see you so dull makes him want to give up his fight. If he even has some. His friends, mostly Shoko, already told him that he already lost all his chances. “You’re not a cat. You don’t get nine lives in this Satoru.” She would say and Suguru would quickly add “You used to have nine lives, actually. But you’re a dead man to her now.” It was playful but depressing talk but valid but…sad.

It was everything but playful to Satoru, no matter how much his friends tried to lighten up the delivery, it still felt like playing darts with his heart. Because he knows how much truth those words hold. He would smile and shake his head. His friends are never the ones to sugarcoat shit. 

After saying goodbye to  Y/N with his baby girl, Satoru can’t help but feel curious about your breakup. He’s almost a hundred percent sure that it’s Toji’s decision because of how you are right now. He doubts that you’d be the one to break it off. You’re a fighter, he knows that. He hates that you have to deal with these cowards of men who only know how to break.

But of course, Toji’s more deserving than him. That’s the bitter truth. Toji left for your good, while Satoru…just gave up on you back then. He will regret it for the rest of his life if he doesn’t get you back. 

Get you back. He felt like a villain, hoping that you were the first to initiate the split. That would give Satoru so much hope. Thinking about why you did it (if you did), taunts him into assuming that maybe you still have something with him. But this isn’t right. No. Satoru should be better than this. Your happiness comes first. Even if it’s not with him.

Satoru swallowed the rushing mix of emotions that fogged his mind as he drives. It felt like swallowing needles, allowing them to go straight to his cracking heart. It’s almost impossible now, huh, to get you back? Even when you’re single again, it still feels impossible. Why is he even imagining it?

Shaking his head, he successfully parked his car, clapping his hands as he looked at Yui through the rearview mirror. “Let’s go now, my heart~” He sing-songed and the toddler eagerly reached up to him. “Tomorrow we go back to Mama, alright? She’s kinda sad, isn’t she? We gotta rescue that!” Yui cheered with him, despite not understanding what her father was saying.

Satoru knows that he can’t meddle with your relationship with Toji, no matter how much it bothers him. The least he can do is try to brighten your mood. Without any ulterior motives, of course. This is a vulnerable time for you. He doesn’t think he can stomach trying to get in through those cracks in your heart because of your failed relationship. 

It’s not the right thing to do and that’s not what a good person who truly cares would do. He can only support you, but he doesn’t plan on taking advantage of this situation. 

—-------------------------------------------------

3 months later

It’s a blessing to be a mother. It’s hard too. Especially, when your daughter won’t allow you to have a break from your ex for more than three months. “Mama!” She screamed at the top of her lungs for the hundredth time that morning. “I just took your bag, let’s go.” You wished you could’ve taken a picture of her, standing as she held the door of her room open.

“You’re so big now, baby.” Her birthday’s in a few months and you feel like crying because it felt like you just gave birth to her yesterday and now she’s turning three. Time is a thief. You wonder if so much has changed with Toji’s life too. You wouldn’t be shocked if he’s got a new girlfriend. After all, Satoru only took a few weeks to find someone new when you broke up.

That fucking stings. You told yourself and if you weren’t holding your daughter’s hand and her bag you would physically clutch your chest. The thought of being so replaceable has been a constant in your mind since Satoru and Naomi. 

And if it happens with Toji again, you’d probably just close the table for love.  You drove to the park, a meeting place you chose for the kids. You don’t want to be in Toji’s house. You don’t think you can handle that yet. 

You wondered if you’d be greeted by some new lady with him, like how Satoru received you with Naomi’s head on his chest. What if they play with the kids instead and leave you out of place during the whole play date? Or what if they leave you to watch the kids while they get some snacks, taking their time to play couple while you wait?

What if— A knock on your window broke off your train of thoughts as you took in your surroundings. That’s right. You’ve been driving and now you’re at the part. And now Toji’s shading his eyes, his hand arched over his brows as he tried to see through your windows. “Gumi!” Yui squealed, kicking in her car seat as Megumi waved from the outside. 

Toji was holding him in one hand as his bag hang loosely on Toji’s shoulder. You rolled the windows down, gulping your anxiety as you thanked the heavens that none of the scenarios in your head came true. 

“You spaced out.” He chuckled a bit awkwardly as he smiled at you. There’s something new about him. Did he really glow up after leaving you? You almost frowned but you gave him a laugh, trying to think of an excuse as to why you’re sitting absentmindedly in your car a few minutes before meeting with your ex and his child.

“I was trying to remember if I locked our door.” You laughed, gathering your things as you stepped out. “Can I hold that for you?” Toji offered as you opened Yui’s door. You thanked him softly, trying your best to seem relaxed. You don’t know if you should be glad or worried that he’s being so cool.

It could be because he doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or because he doesn’t really give two shits about your relationship with him that he doesn’t even feel uneasy meeting for the first time after you broke up. 

Or maybe because he’s already moved on to someone else, he just didn’t bring her with him because he’s a respectful man. You swore you heard a voice say it and it almost convinced you that it’s your brain that wants you dead. “Yui.” Megumi’s neck stretched as he looked over your shoulder for his best friend.

“Chill, man. Your long lost bestie will be free in a minute.” He still doesn’t fail to make you laugh. You put Yui down and watched the two kids adorably and messily hug. Now you’re glad that you taught them the importance of hugs. 

“It’s cute that they’re still comfortable with each other.” You commented, pulling at your clothes as you tried to distract yourself from checking your ex out. You’re thinking hard to figure out what changed with his look. Aside from his forehead showing as the wind played with his dark hair, 

“Let’s sit there, near the seesaw. They love that.” The kids were talking in a language only they understand, pointing at stuff before laughing as if it was the funniest thing they saw while to you, it looked like nothing. You would give everything to be a kid again. Just carefree and happy. But seeing your daughter makes you realize you wouldn’t have this any other way.

“How have you been?” He started as you sat down, hugging yourself as you looked ahead at the children. To be honest, you don’t know how to answer that. Do you tell him first that you miss him? Or do you tell him first that you got a clearer understanding of the holes in your relationship with him?

“I won’t deny that I missed you.” He chuckled leaning back. “But I did some reflecting.” He paused, glancing over to you, eyes traveling across your face. “A lot of reflecting actually.” He nodded, licking his lips. Right. That’s right, you thought, referring to his looks. Aside from his hair being longer, he looked…softer. You blinked away your thoughts, clearing your vision.

“I…I’m okay.” You don’t know how to tell him it could’ve been better if he was still with you. You wondered if your relationship problems would’ve been gone now if you didn’t break up. Would it have been better by now if you kept going? “I missed you, of course. But,” You laughed airily, “I’m getting better.”

You didn’t let your breakup with Toji affect you as a mother to Yui. But if you’re talking about yourself. You’re still trying. You have lived without Toji, of course, you can still keep going now. But your split felt like a crash from cloud nine. You’ve been so soaked with your happiness with him that when he left it felt like you were slowly getting drained and dry.

He walked you into a field of roses and when you returned to your old garden you realized how dull it was. Yui was your sunshine in those days under the dark clouds. She was a sunlight that went out of its way to bring a smile on your face. “It’ll get better.” You sighed, glancing at Toji and seeing the solemn look on his face. Does he feel sorry for you? Does he feel guilty for leaving so abruptly as your baby daddy did? Does he feel—

“It doesn’t feel any better for me at all.” Toji’s not one to hide the reality of his feelings from people he feels comfortable with. It melts your heart when you think about how he loosens up with you. It makes you feel special. Though, not special enough to fight for.

“It will. Soon.” You looked down. You know that it wasn’t his intention to make you feel as if you’re making him feel guilty for choosing his peace. But it still feels like it and you don’t know what to say anymore. I’m sorry? I’m sorry that you feel sorry for me? He nodded, smiling so softly. Charming, you thought. You feel sad for the people who don't get to see this. Yes, his smirk can make one feel things but this smile…

The day went by fast, Toji invited you to dinner since a restaurant was nearby but you politely declined. It’s not that you want to. It’s just that you have to. One thing that you learned from your heartbreak with Satoru is that the more that you see them, the deeper the shards cut. 

“My mom’s coming over for dinner. Maybe next time.” Your genuine smile contradicted the lie flowing out of your lips. It was so tempting when he looked like this, but you have to stand your ground. Next time. The two words reverberated inside Toji’s head and that was enough to push aside the disappointment he felt when you declined. 

“That’s alright. There’s always a next time.” It sounded as if he was reassuring himself, emphasizing that you’re fine with meeting him and Megumi again next time. This is enough for now. After all, he still has to reflect on a couple of things regarding your breakup. But everything always seems to be pointing him back to you. 

—————————

“Just call me when you’re ready to go, and I’ll pick you up.” Satoru’s words before he left you and Yui earlier started to get twisted inside Toji’s head. Now that Toji has let you go, Satoru’s just waiting for your go signal so he can pick you up again. He swallowed dryly, faking a smile when you looked back at him, laughing at whatever the kids did that he didn’t see.

Time flew by fast but that image of you leaning towards Satoru so that he could give his daughter a kiss as he said that to you has been stuck in Toji’s head all day. The kids were drinking juice with small towels around their shoulders. “I can, uh, I can just drive you home, you know? I mean, so that Satoru wouldn’t have to drive all the way here again.” He suggested, wiping off some of the water droplets in his son’s body.

“It’s alright, he’s already on his way anyway and he owes Yui a kitty cake that they didn’t get to buy last time.” You smiled at him, before asking to leave to give Yui a quick warm shower. Toji would’ve wanted to chat a bit more with you. Just spend more time with you. He couldn’t ask for so much of it now. It felt like it would be too much of an imposition for him to do so. 

After a couple of minutes, the doorbell rang and he placed Megumi on one of the rugs, reminding him to stay there so he won’t slip. He sighed, running to his gate, knowing that it would be Satoru and of course, since you’re still getting Yui ready, the polite thing to do is to let him sit and maybe, entertain your baby daddy a bit.

“Oh, come on in. She’s just getting Yui ready.” His voice was almost monotonous, the nod of his head was another way to be a bit more ‘friendly’ to the guy. “You a fan of iced tea?” Toji cleared his throat with Satoru following behind him. Megumi was still on the rug, staring off into space. Toji can’t help but laugh when Satoru waved a hand at his face.

“Yui Dad.” He looked up, waving his small hand despite the blank look on his face. “He really looks like you.” Satoru commented, “Except his hair.” Toji placed a pitcher on the counter, pouring a glass for the man, something he didn’t think he would ever do. “I’m glad you and Y/N are doing better,” Toji spoke after a couple of minutes of silence. 

“Yeah,” Satoru nodded, holding Megumi’s hand as he tried to walk towards Toji. “We’re getting more used to this co-parenting thing. Figured out it was healthier for all of us when we’re not constantly arguing about something.” Toji doesn’t know if it’s right to say it but it already came out of his mouth before he realized it.

“The both of you single made it better, eh?” He didn’t mean it to start something with Satoru again, it���s just that that is the first thing that popped up in his head when he heard him. “Yes and No.” Satoru answered before he could even back it up with something lighthearted. “Me being single, yes. Because Naomi was basically a wedge, one cause of the problems that used to arise between us. And no, because no problem arises directly from you regarding those arguments.” He shrugged, taking a sip before continuing. 

“Actually, I don’t even know why you broke up with her, if I’m going to be frank I trusted you with my family already, why did you even left her?” He’s saying a lot more now than before. Definitely a healthier man. And he seems like he’s back to his real self now. Toji might even assume he’s drunk if only you didn’t mention that he doesn’t handle liquor well.

“I’m not trying to guilt-trip you, alright? I want you to love her because you truly love her, but come on, man, there’s no threat.” Yui definitely takes after her father. Very talkative, Toji thought. Inhaling, he gathered his thoughts and which aspect of what Satoru has said he should focus on, “I don’t know.” Was his short answer. 

“I mean… I was worried. I don’t know if she’s really over you. I don’t want her to keep hurting by my side.” It was quiet. Satoru didn’t speak, allowing Toji to continue. “Plus, I fear that she will forever feel like she just comes second to my wife. To be honest, I feel that with her too. With you being her first.” Toji felt surprised at his honesty. He just hopes that you won’t overhear this.

“You’re the present. I’m her past.” It felt bitter for Satoru to say, “I’m starting to accept that now. I’m just contented that I can be with my daughter and that I take care of them even from the sidelines.” 

But Satoru would forever wish it didn't have to be like that. 

“I’m not playing matchmaker. I just want what’s best for her. Even if it’s not me, Toji.” He stood up, sighing as he heard footsteps coming closer. You came in struggling to carry a barefoot, laughing little girl, a towel and her bag. “Dada!” She screamed with a smile as she tries to get away from you. “You’ll slip!” You warned her and Satoru quickly went closer to take her in his arms. 

Toji sat there for a minute more, processing the man’s words. The best for you. If he’s going to ask Satoru about it, he’d say that if he has to pick someone for Y/N, Toji will be a top candidate. Aside from the fact that he’s a good man who truly cares for her, he also easily understands your situation because he has a child of his own too.

It’s safe to say that right now, you’re the only man that Satoru feels is safe to leave his daughter and baby momma with. His past mistakes and horrible decisions put him in this place and the least that he could do to make it all up to you is support you and whatever makes you happy as long as it’s good for you and his child.

“We’ll be going now, thank you, Toji.” Only then has Toji realize that he’s been staring at the three of you now and his baby boy who’s trying to hug Yui as her father puts on her shoes. “Uh, yeah. Let me walk you guys out.” He licked his lips, blinking fast as he tried to snap himself back to reality. “Come on, Megs. After this, you take a bath, alright?” He picked him up, wrapping a towel around his body.

“Come again. Please.” Satoru laughed as the little boy waved, probably worried that it would take months for his little friend to come over again. “She’ll be back soon, bro. Chill.” That’s wild, Toji thought, He just called my son ‘bro’. Before you could even get on the other side of the car, Toji has made up his mind. “Uhm, Y/N.” You looked up at him, for some reason, eyes shining with what seemed to be…hope.

“Can we come over sometime?” Megumi’s little cheer made your smile wider, nodding at them, “Of course..” You felt like a teen, worried that you answered too quickly, “Anything for that ‘gumi smile.” You played it off cool but kept your eyes on Toji the whole time. 

You didn’t hear anything about what he and Satoru talked about. But it was nice to know that they’re starting to get along. Inside, Satoru was fixing his daughter’s things, somehow glad that he couldn’t hear whatever the of two of you were talking about because no matter how happy he is for you, he’d always break into smaller pieces each time he saw you smile and look at Toji like that.

He knows. Because you used to look at him like that. 

Albeit, crossed with pain and longing, you used to look at him with so much love. Overflowing. And then, along with the tears he caused. It felt like acid in his stomach, threatening to spill out of his mouth whenever he thought of what you went through because of him. But now you’re happy. 

He didn’t know that love would show him that some people are worth being pulverized for.  

The car door opened just as he pretended to find something inside the glove compartment and he swallowed the pang in his chest at the glow on your face. “Gumi, babye! Gumi, babye!” His child screams behind him, waving her hands back at her playmate. “You ready to go?” He asked you and you hummed, glee evident even in the small sound. 

With that, the two of you waved at Toji and Megumi, pulling out of their driveway. You smiled at the shared nods between Toji and Satoru before speeding down the road to the bakery where Satoru usually buy Yui’s cakes. Your mind kept going back to Toji. Maybe you’re being delusional but you can’t help but feel like he had to gather the courage to ask you that very last-minute question. 

He feels like a…high school crush. 

And maybe he’s being a high school crush because a week later, he shows up at your doorstep dressed like a heartthrob with a kid in oversized sunglasses and a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

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[leonstoenailunderhisbed]

You’ve bewitched me, body and soul

Summary: A war lasting three years became heavy on the front lines. Many people died and lost their homes from the actions of one kingdom. But to end the war, both kingdoms agreed to seal an alliance through an arranged marriage. Caught in a loveless marriage with the crown prince, a whirlwind of emotions blasts through foreign land as you try to make your life in the enemy kingdom bearable.

Warnings: slow-burn. Leon is a piece of dick in the beginning. angst. eventual smut. SMUT. creampie. mentions of pregnancy. arranged marriage. reader is a princess and Leon is the crown prince. enemies to lovers (i think?). inaccurate historical information. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. also, reader has brown eyes (for story purposes, everything else doesn’t really matter lol.)

Word Count: 13,027

A/N: IM SO GLAD PEOPLE LIKE THIS🥹🥹 I love historical romance, I eat it up every time so I didn’t want to mess this up. Thank you all so much for your support!!! MWUAH MWUAH MWUAH

[pt.1][pt.3]

“He’s got so much in his heart, but he doesn’t know what to do” — John Wayne, Cigarettes After Sex

As training came to an end, Andrews bid Leon goodbye as he went with the other soldiers to the knight’s quarters. You were standing in front of a portrait, a woman, Leon’s mother.

Leon, tired and sweaty from training, was on his way back to his chambers when he noticed you standing in front of his mother's portrait.

He paused for a moment, his heart clenching. He hadn't expected to run into you here, but there you were, standing in front of the portrait of the woman he loved and lost. He took a deep breath, steeling himself before he approached you, standing beside you in front of the portrait.

You were too focused on the painting of his deceased mother, you’ve heard the servants say he lost his mother in the war. The same war against your kingdom.

But then, out of the corner of your eye, you noticed someone next to you. It was Leon. Your eyes widened slightly and then you turned to look at him but then you remembered the argument in the library and you turned to look back at the painting. You didn’t want to be a burden so I held your tongue.

Leon shifted awkwardly next to you, feeling the tension between the two of you. But Andrews' words echoed in his head, reminding him that he needed to start seeing you for who you are, not just the enemy princess.

He took a deep breath and spoke, his voice low and gruff, "Do you..." he started, his throat feeling dry.

You quickly turned your head to look at him as he started to speak, giving him your attention.

“Do I…” you repeated quietly, trying to understand what he was trying to say. There was something different about him right now, maybe it was because he just finished his training but something told you he was acting differently. Less hostile towards you.

Leon took another deep breath before continuing, his mind racing with conflicting thoughts and memories.

He remembered the pain and anger he felt when his mother died, the way it fueled his desire for revenge against your kingdom.

But he also remembered Andrews' words, reminding him that you weren't responsible for any of it. That it wasn't your fault.

So he pushed down his anger and spoke again, his voice a bit gentler, "Do you... know who that is?" he nodded towards the portrait of his mother.

His soft voice took you by surprise, it was a nice change for once instead of him snapping at you and saying mean things to you.

You looked back at the portrait and then back at him, nodding your head, “Yes,” you replied softly, “This is the former queen, your mother.”

Leon felt a pang in his chest as you confirmed that you knew who his mother was. It was a memory that still stung and hurt, but hearing you speak about her with respect and not hostility made him feel… different.

He glanced at you, his gaze flickering over your expression before he shifted his focus back to the portrait.

"She was… a good woman," he said quietly, his voice laced with a hint of tenderness that was rarely present when he spoke to you.

You knew what your kingdom did and it made you feel so guilty. The war took the lives of many including his mother.

“I’m so sorry,” you whispered and turned your head to look up at him. You were slowly starting to understand why he hated you. It was hatred by association. He got sent a bride from the kingdom that murdered his mom, he had every right to be angry. But you didn’t kill anyone with your own hands either.

You turned to look back at her portrait, not knowing what else to say. This whole situation was different than before. Leon's heart ached as you apologized, and he could tell that the guilt you felt was genuine.

He looked down at you, his mind torn between the anger and resentment he had held for so long and the understanding that none of this was your fault.

But old habits die hard.

"You don’t need to apologize," he said sharply, the harshness of his voice betraying the complex mix of emotions he was feeling, "You didn't do anything."

You looked back up at him, staring into his eyes and for once you saw him aside from his cold and harsh self. You saw a son grieving the loss of their mother and that made you feel really bad.

Your eyes drifted around his face, staring intently at every feature. The roundness of his eyes, the color of his irises, his lips that looked soft. But then you caught yourself staring and looked back at the portrait of his late mother. Leon’s eyes widened slightly as he noticed your gaze drifting across his face, taking in every feature. He could see the sympathy and guilt in your eyes and it made him feel… weirdly vulnerable.

“She’s beautiful,” you muttered under your breath. She truly was a gorgeous woman.

He cleared his throat, trying to shake off the feeling as you looked back at his mother’s portrait.

"Yes, she was,” he replied quietly, his voice low and hoarse, "A lot of people always said I have her eyes.”

A small chuckle escaped your lips as a small smile reached your lips. You stared at the painting intently, “I can see it,” you replied quietly.

Then you looked over at him, “You do have similar eyes,” you muttered under your breath in agreement. The moment was vulnerable, a contrast to what usually happens when you’re around each other.

Leon felt a small pang in his chest as you chuckled and agreed with him. It was a strange moment, a rare one where the hostility between the two of you was replaced by something else. Something more… gentle.

He couldn’t help but notice how calm you seemed, no longer tense and guarded like you usually were when he was around. He found himself taking a step closer to you, his body almost imperceptibly drawn towards you.

He cleared his throat, again, and looked back at his mother’s portrait, trying to force himself to keep his distance.

Andrews seemed to be right, for the first time ever since you came here, it only took him to put his anger aside to finally see you for you. It was a good thing for your relationship.

You nibbled on my bottom lip, shifting awkwardly before you spoke up in a nervous tone, even though you tried to hide it under a calm blanket, “I didn’t get any of my parent's eyes,” you mumbled with an awkward chuckle.

“My dad has blue eyes and my mom has green eyes but I came out with brown eyes,” you said as you glanced at him before looking back at the portrait.

Leon couldn’t help but notice the nervous yet earnest edge to your voice as you spoke.

He looked down at you, a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. Your comment about your eyes made him feel… oddly endeared. It was a mundane detail that was entirely meaningless in the grand scheme of things, yet it made him see you in a different light.

“Well,” he said, his tone softer than usual, “brown suits you.”

You felt your cheeks warm up a bit, did he just compliment you for the first time? You couldn’t hide the smile creeping up on your face, and then you looked at him, “Thanks…” you replied softly.

Leon’s heart skipped a beat as he heard your soft reply and the hint of a smile on your lips. He felt his own mouth twitch upwards at the corners in response, his heart beating a little faster than usual.

“I’d probably look weird with blue eyes,” you mumbled, trying to be nonchalant but secretly your heart was beating really fast, “Guess my eyes didn’t get the memo with my parents.”

He chuckled at your joke, the sound escaping him almost unintentionally. You chuckled nervously at your own joke, but as you stared at his mother’s portrait, you couldn’t help but say something in a soft mutter, “Blue suits you.”

He caught your comment about his eyes, and he felt his cheeks start to heat up, “Thanks,” he finally said, his voice almost a whisper. He glanced down at you again, feeling a strange fluttering in his stomach.

You felt his gaze on you and you turned to look up at him. For the first time, there was no hostility and hatred. It felt nice.

You opened my mouth to say something but you didn’t know what to say. Sure, you were married but it wasn’t like you did anything couples did. You felt a bit awkward but you also felt giddy?

“Are you…” you started quietly in a whisper, your heart beating fast as you looked up at him.

Leon’s gaze lingered on you as you looked up at him, his heart racing in his chest. He waited patiently as you spoke, his breath catching in his throat as he heard the question.

“Am I…?” he repeated, his voice low and soft, barely above a whisper. He was acutely aware of how close the two of you were standing, the air between you almost crackling with something he couldn’t quite identify.

“Are you…” you repeated nervously as you stared into his blue eyes, you then swallowed dryly and proceeded, “Are you going to bed?”

You were so nervous for some reason, your heart hammering inside your chest as you waited for his answer. You didn’t even know why you asked that. He just came out of his training and it was nighttime. He was covered in sweat and was probably tired.

You nibbled on your bottom lip just slightly, doing it almost subconsciously, a nervous habit.

He met your gaze head-on, and he couldn’t help but notice the way you nibbled on your bottom lip. He had to resist the sudden and strange urge to reach out and touch your face.

“I am,” he replied, his voice low and gruff. He wasn’t expecting the conversation to go in this direction and it was slightly throwing him off guard.

You nodded slowly, of course he was. His servants were probably waiting for him so he could take a bath and change into his night clothes.

“I, uh,” you stumbled upon your words as you shifted your weight between your legs, “I don’t know why I asked,” you muttered truthfully.

Leon couldn’t help the small, amused smile that tugged at the corner of his lips as you stumbled over your words. It was strangely endearing.

“Was training good?” You suddenly asked, not wanting the moment to end with him.

He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, his eyes never leaving yours, “Training was fine,” he replied quietly. He wasn’t sure why you asked that either, but somehow it didn’t matter. He found himself wanting the moment to last, just as you did.

“I should…” he started, motioning vaguely down the hallway towards his chambers.

You looked behind to see where he was pointing at, your shared chambers. You quickly looked back up at him and nodded, “Right, yeah, I shouldn’t take more of your time,” you muttered nervously.

“Your servants are probably wondering what’s taking so long,” you chuckled nervously and chewed on your bottom lip again out of nervousness.

You looked down at your feet, seeing your heels from under your dress before you looked back up at him, “I should probably go too,” you muttered but you made no effort to move.

He nodded in response, his eyes fixed on you. He noticed how you couldn’t seem to stop fidgeting, how you chewed on your bottom lip nervously. He didn’t want you to leave, but he didn’t know how to express it without sounding strange.

“Yeah…” he agreed, nodding slowly. He hesitated for a moment, his eyes flickering down to your lips.

“I…” you muttered softly as you saw his eyes flick down to your lips and felt your breath hitch for a moment. Your eyes subsequently doing the same to his lips.

You quickly looked back up at him, “Goodnight then,” you whispered before you moved to the side and started to walk down the hall, opposite of him.

Your heels echoed through the air, you glanced behind your shoulder to look at him, your breath hitching once more and you subconsciously quickened your pace. Why were you feeling so nervous all of a sudden?

You didn’t go to your shared quarters, not yet at least, you actually walked towards the library and closed the door. The entire interaction seemed out of the ordinary.

You paced around the bookshelves as you thought to yourself what led to the sudden change in him. Why did he suddenly start to treat you different. It was nice but you couldn’t help but question it a bit.

Leon went through his nightly routine in a daze. His mind was racing with thoughts of you and the strange, new feeling in his chest.

The servants washed him, dried him, and dressed him in his night clothes, but he barely registered their presence. He was too preoccupied with thinking about the conversation he had just had with you. Finishing, the servants bowed respectfully and left silently, leaving Leon alone in his chambers. He sat down on the edge of the bed, his mind still occupied with thoughts of you.

Maybe Andrews was right, all he needed to do was put his anger aside and treat you differently. Andrews really was too smart for his own good. Sure, it wasn’t easy and it’s a bit confusing to suddenly act different to the person from the enemy kingdom, but you were his wife now. And Andrews seemed to have noticed how unfair and terrible he had treated you before.

Your maids also bathed you and helped you change into your night dress. The dress being white and reaching the floor, the silky material dragging as padded to your shared quarters.

Leon looked up as you entered the room, his heart skipping a beat again. He observed the way the silky fabric of your night dress hugged your figure and it made his stomach flip once more.

He quickly looked away, trying to control the unwanted reaction he was having to your presence. He hadn't slept in the same bed as you ever since you arrived here and he was having a hard time understanding why that suddenly bothered him.

"You're here," he stated quietly, his voice low and gruff.

“My lord,” you quickly curtsied and nodded, “Yeah,” you muttered breathlessly, feeling your voice get stuck in your throat, “I’m here.”

Usually, he slept on the couch near the fireplace and a part of you still remembered all his mean words.

But this was unexpected and new. You slowly walked over to the couch, thinking he wanted to sleep on the bed instead. A strange feeling washed over him as he saw you approach the couch, assuming he wanted to sleep on the bed.

"No," he said suddenly, stopping you in your tracks.

His voice was soft, but there was a hint of command in it. He patted the bed next to him, signaling for you to come closer.

You looked over at him and saw him patting the side next to him on the bed. Your heart was beating fast, he wants to sleep on the same bed? You stared at him in shock for a few seconds before you nodded and made your way towards the bed.

You’ve only been married for three months but this would be the first night you’ve ever shared the same bed, somehow, it felt like the first day of your marriage.

You sat down on the edge of the bed, fixing your hair and dress nervously before you laid down on your back next to him. You both stared at the ceiling with your shoulders close to each other.

For a few moments, the two of you were silent, both staring at the ceiling. Leon couldn't help but steal small glances at you, his eyes flickering over your features.

Your hands were down at your sides. Since you were laying next to each other, your hands were so close to his. You could practically feel his body heat radiate from him. You moved your pinky, your finger gently grazing his hand. Leon felt the gentle graze of your pinky against his hand and it sent a small shiver down his spine. He couldn't deny the fact that he wanted to hold your hand, to feel the soft warmth of your skin against his own.

He glanced over at you again, his eyes flickering over your features. Your body was so close to his own, and he could feel the heat radiating between you.

Suddenly, he reached out and took your hand in his own. His grip was gentle but firm, his fingers intertwining with your own.

A quiet gasp escaped your lips when you felt him take your hand and intertwine his fingers with your own. Blood rushed to your cheeks and you u looked down at your joined hands.

His hand was bigger than yours and felt rougher with callouses, presumably from his sword training. Your hand was smaller and dainty, soft and smooth as it signified your royal status as princess.

You turned your head to the side to look at him. Your eyes roaming his features, taking him in and committing him to memory. Then, you held his hand back just as firm, giving it a little squeeze.

Leon felt a strange warmth spread through his chest as you squeezed his hand in return. He couldn't help but feel a strange sense of rightness about this moment, holding your hand as you laid next to each other in the bed. His thumb began to brush over your knuckles, the callouses on his skin creating a pleasant friction against your softness.

He turned to look at you, his eyes meeting yours as you took in his features. His breathing became slightly uneven.

A small but closed-lipped smile appeared on your face when you felt his thumb brush over your knuckles. You could feel your heart pounding in your chest, your breathing also becoming uneven.

You eyes stared deeply into his eyes before they accidentally dropped down to his lips. You forced your eyes back to look at his blue eyes, feeling absolutely nervous.

Leon noticed the way your eyes lingered on his lips for a moment before quickly darting back up to his eyes. He felt a strange flutter in his chest as he realized you were as nervous as he was. He squeezed your hand gently as he leaned slightly closer to you, his eyes never leaving yours.

You didn’t move away as he leaned slightly closer to you, you swallowed dryly and parted your lips slightly as you maintained eye contact with him.

You unknowingly squeezed his hand out of nervousness, holding it firmly in yours as you felt yourself grow to be a ball of nerves. Which led you to do your nervous habit, nibble on your bottom lip and wondered how his lips would feel on yours.

The atmosphere was tense but not in the way it used to be. There was no hatred and no malice, instead there was something else that you didn’t quite know.

He felt his own heart racing in his chest as he imagined how your lips would feel against his own. The tense atmosphere wasn't like it used to be, there was something else there. It was a feeling he hadn't experienced before.

Without thinking, he brought his hand up to gently grip your chin, tilting your face slightly closer to his. You quickly stopped nibbling on your bottom lip as you felt his gentle grip on your chin, his fingers held you gently as he tilted your face up and closer to his.

You parted your lips once again, your faces slowly losing distance until you could feel his warm breath on your face. You looked down at his lips before you looked up at his blue eyes.

And then you closed my eyes, waiting for him to kiss you as your other hand rested on his chest very faintly, as if not to hurt him.

Taking a deep breath, he closed the distance between you and pressed his lips against yours in a soft, hesitant kiss. Youwere both hesitant, scared of rejection when you were both married. It was almost funny. But then again, it was an arranged marriage to end the war.

His lips felt soft against yours and you found myself melting next to him. Your grip on his hand tightened a bit but then it relaxed as you mustered the courage to kiss him back.

The kiss was soft and tender, almost too gentle as if to say ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ or ‘I don’t want to scare you.’

Leon couldn't believe how good it felt to finally kiss you, to feel your soft lips against his own. He could feel your grip on his hand tighten for a moment before relaxing as you mustered the courage to kiss him back.

He couldn't ignore the way his heart fluttered in his chest as the kiss continued. He couldn't deny the fact that he wanted more, but part of him was afraid to take the next step.

He pulled away from the kiss, resting his forehead against yours, his breath ragged as he tried to slow down his racing heart.

You opened your eyes and stared at him as he leaned his forehead against yours. Your breathing was hard as you tried to catch your breath.

Your cheeks were flushed but you were…happy. Genuinely happy and you couldn’t help my smile. You let out a nervous laugh and moved to hide your face on his chest.

Leon felt a pang of guilt as he thought about the way he had treated you earlier that day. He had been harsh and cold, using sharp words that he knew would hurt you. But then he remembered his conversation with Andrews, how the man had convinced him to try and make things better. And now, here you were, lying together in bed, with Leon's forehead rested against your own.

As you let out a nervous laugh and hid your face on his chest, he couldn't help but feel a strange flutter in his heart. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you closer to him. For three months you didn’t do anything a married couple should do, he slept on the couch while you slept on the bed. Since your first day, he ignored you and made sure to never speak to you or touch you. And the few times he did talk to you, he’d be mean to you and you’d only argue.

But here he was, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you close. You wrapped your arms around his waist, not wanting to let go anytime soon.

Leon could feel guilt tugging at his heart as he held you close in his arms. He knew he had been unkind and distant towards you for far too long. He had pushed you away, treating you like an enemy instead of a wife.

He rested his chin on the top of your head, his arms wrapped tightly around you as if to hold you close forever. He couldn’t deny the fact that he was grateful to Andrews for making him see reason.

He understood now that this arrangement had affected you just as much as it had affected him. He knew that he had been blinded by anger and grief.

For the rest of the night, you slept in each other’s embrace. You may not have taken it further but you were content with the slow pace of change. In your opinion, you wanted to know him for who he is instead of just jumping straight to the action.

In hindsight, you could see yourself actually being happy with this marriage. All he needed was a wake up call and a clarity check from his friend.

When morning rolled up, his servants and your maids entered the room to wake you both up but they halted as they saw you two sleeping together on the bed. Their eyes bulging out as they stood speechless.

His eyes opened as he heard the sound of footsteps approaching the bed. He didn’t move, not wanting to disturb you, but he felt a pang of irritation at the interruption. He slowly untangled himself from your arms and sat up in bed, his eyes scanning the servants as they stood frozen in place.

You remained lying on the bed, oblivious to everything as sleep asleep. The servants and maids bowed at Leon, “Good morning, my lord,” they all said in a hushed tone as to not wake you up.

Which was great because you didn’t even stir in your sleep. The servants and the maids tried to continue with their routine as normal. Your maids going to the bathroom to set up your morning bath as his servants started to help him get ready behind the room divider for privacy.

The servants didn’t dare say anything to Leon about the way they found you and Leon sleeping. At the sound of water running, you groggily woke up, realizing it was morning. You sat up and rubbed your eyes before they landed on Leon behind the dressing screen. Your heart beat a little faster but you were soon taken out of your thoughts as a maid helped you to the bathroom for your bath.

Once you were taken to the bathroom by your maids, Leon’s thoughts lingered on the fact that he’d woken up next to you that morning. Nothing else happened except for the kiss, which was your first kiss, but you still enjoyed sleeping in his arms for some reason.

After your bath, your maids helped you get dressed. This time, you were wearing a light blue dress with jewels. It was perfect for summer as the straps hung down your arms. The length reached the floor, just like any other gown.

But as your maids helped with your hair, you couldn’t help but steal glances at Leon from the reflection of your mirror.

Leon was deep in thought as his servants helped him get dressed, his mind filled with thoughts about the previous night. He couldn't help but feel a pang of regret for how long he had been treating you badly, but at the same time, he was grateful for the change that had begun.

His eyes darted to the mirror that was placed in front of him as he caught sight of you in the reflection. He couldn't help but stare at you for a moment, admiring your beauty.

“My lord,” one of his servants said as he pulled him out of his thoughts, “today you have a meeting with the kings. It’s about the war that ended,” he whispered so you wouldn’t hear.

After the war ended between your kingdom and his kingdom, nothing was over by just having you two marry for an alliance. There were other things to discuss such as reparations and how to avoid future conflicts.

Your maids finished helping you get ready and you stood up from your vanity stool, “Come, my lady,” the head maid said, “breakfast will be served shortly,” then she started to guide you out of the room, not before you spared Leon one last glance, giving him a small smile before you disappeared into the hall.

He was pulled out of his thoughts as he heard the maid urging you to leave the room. He saw you give him one last smile before disappearing into the hallway.

He couldn’t help but return the smile, though he knew he had a lot on his plate for the day. He made a mental note to make time to talk to you later in the evening.

As you made it to the dining hall, you sat on the table where you were served warm breakfast. As you were about to take a bite, you noticed a few stares and saw your maids staring at you with curiosity.

“Yes?” You asked them as you took a small bite out of your breakfast. One of the maids stepped up, “My lady,” she spoke nervously, “did you and the lord…” she trailed but you knew what she meant. Your face turned red and you almost choked on your food. You quickly shook your head no, “No, no, no, it wasn’t like that. We just kissed and hugged.”

But at the revelation, their shoulders slumped in disappointment. You furrowed your brows confused but then spoke up softly, “But maybe in the future,” you muttered to which they heard and seemed to be happy? You were still getting used to this kingdom.

Back with Leon, his servant was telling him of his schedule: meeting with the kings, oversee taxation history of the town, sword training, and evaluate the final preparations for the upcoming festival.

Leon listened intently as his servant listed off his schedule for the day. It was going to be a busy one, he knew that much.

The mention of the upcoming festival tugged at his heartstrings, as he remembered how he used to attend with his mother. But now she was gone, and he couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness.

He pushed the thought aside as his servant continued to brief him on the other tasks he would need to attend to, including meeting with the other lords.

The servant guided him towards one of the many rooms of the castle, but this one was where the meeting was taking place. Upon Leon’s arrival, the older men stood up and bowed at Leon.

“Good morning, my lord,” they said before they sat down. There was the king, Leon’s father, sitting next to my father, the king of the kingdom they fought against in war. It seemed as if it were just the three of them.

“Ah, there’s my son,” the king said as Leon entered. Then he looked at my father, “Told you he’s been faring well.”

He nodded in acknowledgment as they resumed their seats. Leon’s eyes darted to his father and your father sitting next to each other, and he was surprised to find them being civil towards each other. He made his way to the empty seat at the table and sat down, his eyes flickering between his father and yours.

It was kind of surprising to see them civil, given that your father was the reason the whole war started in the first place. The whole reason why Leon’s mother died.

Your father stood up and formally addressed Leon and the king, “I’d like to start us off with the topic reparations,” he said before his snapped his fingers, signaling for his servant to bring something in.

A servant came in with a box, putting it in front of Leon and the king, “This is for the construction damages,” your father began, watching as the servant opened the box to reveal gold coins and bars.

Leon's expression remained neutral as your father addressed him and the king, but a wave of anger and resentment washed over him as he mentioned reparations.

His eyes darted to the box that was placed in front of him and his father as the servant opened it, revealing gold coins and bars. Leon couldn't help but feel a pang of anger at the thought that the war was the reason behind his mother's death.

He clenched his jaw but said nothing, his gaze flickering towards his father to gauge his reaction.

“Go on,” the king said as he looked at the contents of the box before he looked back at your father, a suspicious glint in his eyes.

Your father cleared his throat and proceeded, “No amount of wealth will bring people back from the dead. We’ve both lost incredible amounts of people,” he stated, “innocent lives were taken during the war and I stem accountability for starting it.”

Leon's expression remained stoic as he listened to your father's words. He could sense his father's skepticism as the king looked at the contents of the box before shifting his gaze back to your father.

“Hence why I propose we seal the alliance. We know that by marrying my daughter to Crown Prince Leon,” he gestured to Leon, “it was the start of the process of the peaceful era. Well, here gentlemen,” he said as he took out a rolled parchment before handing it to the king. It was a contract.

“That has my legal stamp, declaring my unwavering loyalty to our alliance and friendship. I will provide support and aid whenever you request just as how I expect you to do the same,” he stated as he bowed his head in respect.

As your father went on to propose sealing the alliance, Leon's mind raced with thoughts. He had mixed feelings about it all. On one hand, he knew that the marriage was a part of the process to bring peace and stability.

But on the other hand, he still harbored feelings of anger and resentment towards your father for starting the war and causing his mother's death.

The king hummed before he gave Leon the contract to let him have a read, obviously trusting Leon to also make a decision since he was the heir to the throne.

“What’s the catch?” The king suddenly asked your father. Your father shook his head and clasped his hand behind his back, “The catch, is not really a catch,” he said.

“It’s too simple Sylus,” the king said as he stood up and stared at your father, “Yes we agreed to have our children marry but it takes more than that to end a war.”

Leon took the contract and began to read through it, his eyes flitting across the page as he absorbed the contents of the agreement.

Sylus, your father, sighed, “Ever the observant, Your Highness,” he said before he stared at the king.

“The catch is,” he started nervously, “well, you see, in my family, the women usually have fertility issues,” he said as he gave Leon a brief glance before he focused back on the king, “I do not know if my daughter can even be with child and I do not want her to face the consequences for something she can’t control.”

Leon's eyebrows furrowed as he listened to your father explain about the fertility issues within your family. His heart suddenly felt heavy as he realized the implications of those words.

The thought of you not being able to bear children was a difficult one, but Leon knew he couldn’t change the situation. He was an heir who needed to create future heirs for the throne.

He looked up at his father, who seemed a bit surprised by your father's confession, and Leon couldn't help but feel the pressure weighing down on him.

“Are you certain, Sylus?” The king asked your father in a firm tone, “there needs to be an heir once my son becomes king and if your daughter can’t give him one then why did you send your daughter for marriage?”

“Your Highness, with all due respect, it’s not *all* the women,” he said nervously, “in my kingdom, fertility is blessed based on good health and my daughter has always been a strong one. She’s never once had chicken pox!” He chuckled nervously.

“But that doesn’t mean it’s not guaranteed,” the king argued back, he sighed and looked at Leon, “Have you tried?”

Leon felt the weight of the king's gaze upon him, and he shifted in his seat uncomfortably as the topic shifted to his private affairs with you.

"We... have not," Leon replied, his voice firm but his eyes avoiding his father's. He knew what he was really hinting at. Leon didn't want to admit it, but the idea of producing heirs hadn’t crossed his mind. He was a man with an obligation and he knew he would eventually have to perform his duties. But that was before he started to be nice to you, now he understood what his duties were aside from politics.

The king stared at Leon blankly, “Son…” he muttered, “It’s been *three* months since you’ve met her, how have you not—“

“Hey don’t rush them,” your father quickly interjected, “She’s young, she’s at the ripe age of childbirth…right?” He asked his servant who nodded at your father. He then looked back at the king with a shaky smile.

It was true that you were young, it gave the advantage of trying as many times as possible to conceive as it was your duties as future king and queen. Leon clenched his jaw, feeling frustrated by the conversation.

"We will try," Leon said, his voice firmer this time. He didn't want to be pressured into something. He could take care of things on his own. But deep down inside, he felt a hint of guilt. He felt bad that you were being used for his political ambitions.

His father gave Leon a firm nod, “You better,” then he looked over at your father. As a woman, it seemed as your only role was to have children, along with minor duties around the castle such as tending to the kitchen and garden.

“And you won’t have to worry about my daughter,” your father kept trying to lessen the king’s anger, “she’s good with children. Did I tell you about that time when she volunteered at a children’s church?” He chuckled nervously.

The king sighed, “Sylus, if your daughter can’t produce an heir then what use do I have for her?” Your father visibly wilted at his words, “She’s got many talents. She speaks five languages, she paints, she sings, she plays piano, she reads maps and knows geography. Believe me, she can be very useful when she wants.”

Leon's heart panged with sympathy as he listened to your father defend you, listing off your many talents and skills. He knew that you were not just a tool for producing heirs, but a person in your own right with your own abilities. And he felt guilty for realizing it after three months.

His father, however, seemed less impressed. He simply grunted in response to your father's words, not convinced by his defense. Your father sighed, “Give her a chance. She’s young, she’s at the right age for bearing kids,” he basically pleaded, “all she needs is time. You’ll have an heir before you know it.”

“Very well,” the king said before he took the contract, “I will sign it but until she is with child,” he then looked at Leon, “You better get to it.”

Leon clenched his jaw as his father gave his ultimatum. It was clear that the king saw your value only in your ability to bear children. Leon knew that he had a duty to produce heirs, but he struggled with the idea of treating you like nothing more than a vessel for bearing his children.

He nodded at his father, signaling his understanding of the king's condition, "I will," Leon said firmly, but his tone betrayed his internal conflict.

“Very well,” the king said before he stood up, taking the contract with him, “you’re all dismissed,” the king said before he started to walk out of the room. Once he was out, your father let out a sigh as he slumped on the chair.

“What am I going to do…” he muttered to himself as he rubbed his forehead, clearly this was affecting him as well. A father who only wanted to protect his daughter.

As Leon watched his father leave, he felt a sense of dread wash over him. He knew that he had to start fulfilling his duty as soon as possible.

He turned to your father and saw the tired, worried look on his face. He knew that the pressure was weighing heavy on him too.

"Don't worry," Leon said, his voice firm, "I'll do my duty. I'll make sure you don't regret giving your daughter to me."

Your father looked up at Leon, “I don’t,” he answered, “I don’t regret giving her to you, my lord.”

“My poor little girl,” he whispered to himself before he focused back on Leon, “She’s a great girl. She’s smart, she’s kind…” it was evident that your father was going through a whirlwind of stress and emotions.

Your father then stood up, giving Leon a deep bow in respect before he also walked out of the room to go back to his kingdom.

As your father left the room, Leon was left alone with his thoughts. He couldn't help but feel the weight of the king's words and expectations weighing down on him. He took a deep breath and pushed himself to stand up from his seat. He had a duty to fulfill and a promise to keep.

You were wandering the halls, yet again, oblivious to their meeting. You knew Leon was busy as the lord of the house, so you weren’t aware if they might be discussing.

“My lord,” the servant came over to Leon, “your next duty on the agenda is to foresee the taxes. The treasury just wants to hear your opinion, he says,” the servant said.

Leon had a promise and duty to fulfill, just as you did. The rest of his morning was full of tasks he had to do. It wasn’t until evening that his schedule was finally free. Leon spent the entire day attending to his responsibilities, from overseeing taxes to attending to other matters related to the house. Despite the busy schedule, his mind kept returning to the agreement and the king's condition.

As the sun began to set and the sky turned a hue of orange and purple, Leon finally had a moment of peace. He took a deep breath and looked out the window. The house suddenly felt so quiet and empty. Leon realized that he hadn't seen you all day. A pang of guilt gnawed at his heart.

You were in your shared quarters, talking to your maids. Your voices echoing around the walls of the room as the sound of clothes rustling was heard since the door was slightly ajar opened.

Right, today you had your new dresses delivered to you, “This one is gorgeous!” One of your maids said as she picked up a red ball gown.

“No, this is the one that beats all dresses in the kingdom,” another maid said she held a white gown. They were both beautiful and you could only laughed.

Leon stood outside the ajar open door, listening to the conversation between you and your maids. He heard your light laughter and the chatter about the dresses. A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he heard your laughter. He didn't realize how much he had missed you until now.

He cleared his throat and knocked softly on the door, signaling his presence. Your maids quickly stood up straight up and tidied the room, the few boxes of dresses on the floor but upon seeing him, you smiled.

“My lord,” your maids greeted and curtsied as you stared at Leon before you remembered you had to do the same too. You were too caught up staring at him!

Leon was handsome, no doubt about that, but you still felt a bit embarrassed for forgetting to greet him formally. A hint of amusement flickered across his face as he took a step into the room, looking around at the boxes of dresses on the floor.

"No need for formalities," he assured your maids, his eyes shifting to you, "I merely came to check on my future Queen."

Your maids hurriedly tidied the place, they worked fast, right before they went over to the door, “We will leave you two alone.”

You nodded at them and watched as they left and closed the door, leaving you alone with Leon in your room. Your smile widened a bit, “Your future Queen?” You muttered softly as you stood in front of him.

“How was your meeting?” You asked as you stared up at him, “I heard my father visited. I wished I could’ve said hi but I was busy in the library,” since you weren’t in the meeting, you didn’t know what they talked about.

Leon chuckled softly, "Yes, my future Queen," he reiterated, his eyes never leaving yours as he looked down at you.

A hint of tension hung in the air as he remembered the real reason he was checking on you, but Leon quickly pushed those thoughts aside and focused his attention on you. He gently reached down and brushed a strand of hair from your face, "The meeting went fine," he said casually, not wanting to reveal the true topic of conversation.

You smiled softly at him, letting him brush your hair away from your face, his touch soft, “Not too stressful I hope,” you teased lightly.

“I hope my father didn’t give you and the king a hard time,” you said to him, “I know he can get a bit…well, he’s just very notably himself.”

Leon's gaze softened as he listened to your words, his mind briefly flitting back to the meeting and the king's ultimatum.

"Your father didn't give us a hard time," he replied with a slight smirk, "He can be... expressive, but that's what makes him unique. I can handle him."

He took a small step closer to you, his eyes searching your face, "But enough about the meeting. I wanted to spend some time with you."

A warm smile reached your lips, he wanted to spend time with you? You could feel your heart beat fast in the best way possible.

“You do?” You whispered teasingly as you couldn’t hide your smile, “Did the crown prince miss me already?” You chuckled softly.

You took a small step closer, hesitating for a moment before you rested your hands on his shoulders, “You better say you did,” you muttered in a fake threatening tone. Leon chuckled at your teasing, his eyes sparkling with amusement. He couldn't deny that he did miss you, but he would never admit it outright. He raised an eyebrow at your hands on his shoulders, but he made no move to remove them. Instead, he reached up and placed his hands on your hips, pulling you closer to him until there was barely any space between you.

"Is that so?" he teased back, "Are you threatening me, my future Queen?"

"Perhaps I do miss you," he said, his voice lowering, "Just a little."

You chuckled and stared at him with fondness in your eyes, for a moment, memories of the meeting were gone from his mind. Right now, it was just you two.

“I missed you too,” you muttered, “just a little,” you repeated his words with a grin. But you did miss him. The whole day you couldn’t stop thinking about him. Leon's heart skipped a beat at your admission that you missed him.

“So, what else happened in the meeting?” You asked quietly, not knowing what else to say, “Did the king say anything about…heirs?”

He looked down at you and his eyes darkened slightly, but he quickly schooled his expression and kept his voice casual.

"Heirs?" he repeated with feigned nonchalance, "Yes, the king mentioned heirs. He expects us to produce them... sooner rather than later."

Your face started to grow red. You understood that as a married couple, your duty was to produce an heir since you’ll be the new rulers of the kingdom. But at the same time, didn’t it seem like things were progressing too fast in your relationship? But maybe he was just being pressured by the king so you thought that deep down he probably only wants to fulfill his duty.

“Soon?” I repeated quietly, “very well,” I whispered and nodded, “When do you want to start?”

His hands on your hips tightened slightly in response to your question, his voice low and huskier than before, "Tonight," he answered, his eyes meeting yours, "I want to start tonight."

You nodded again as you looked up at him, “Alright, we’ll start tonight,” you whispered softly, “I’ll let my maids know so I can prepare.”

Part of you was a bit scared, you were pure and you didn’t know how it would feel to be intimate with someone. But you knew Leon wouldn’t hurt me voluntarily. So you trusted him, which surprised you.

“I should go prepare,” you whispered to him as you let go of his shoulders. He let go of your hips when you did, and he watched you closely, his heart racing in his chest.

"I'll see you in our quarters," he said softly, his tone both authoritative and tender, "Be ready for me when I get there."

You nodded and gave him a small smile, “I will,” you replied softly before you left the room. There was much to do and you wanted to look your best for him for tonight. You walked along the castle halls until you found your maids, letting them know about tonight and what needs to be done.

Leon watched you leave the room, his mind swirling with thoughts of what was to come. Guilt and desire warred within him, but he pushed them aside and focused on the task at hand.

As the hours ticked by slowly, Leon found himself pacing the corridors, waiting anxiously for the moment when he could finally return to his quarters and see you. The king's order echoed in his mind, a constant reminder of what was expected from him.

As the sun began to set and the hall grew dark, he finally made his way back towards your shared quarters.

The rest of the day was very busy for you. Your maids put all sorts of herbs and creams on your body to ensure your skin was soft as milk. They also did the same to your hair so it would shine and be as soft as silk. You stood in front of the mirror, watching as your maids dressed you in the appropriate dress for tonight. Candles were lit for the ambiance that made the room all more intimate. You were wearing a white night dress robe with lace around the edges, the material being thin and almost see through. You were wearing nothing under your dress as you knew what tonight meant. Your hair was down, all in its natural glory. Under the moonlight you looked like a goddess.

He stepped closer to the door, his hand reaching out to knock on the door before he hesitated. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door and stepped inside. Leon's breath hitched the moment he saw you. You looked like a vision, soft as silk and as beautiful as the night sky. Heat pooled in his gut as he fully saw the see-through dress you were wearing.

You heard the knock and turned around to find Leon. You were a bit nervous, did you look good? Desirable? You curtsied to him and smiled softly, “My lord.”

“You’re here,” you muttered softly. Leon's eyes roamed over you from head to toe, taking in your figure and the thin night dress. He swallowed hard, his pulse racing and his body responding to your mere presence.

He could see the hint of nervousness in your eyes, but there was also a mixture of desire and anticipation. He stepped closer to you, his hands aching to touch you, but he held back for the moment.

"I am," he replied in a soft, gruff voice, "And you look..." he trailed off, lost for words for a moment as he drank in your beauty. Your smile widened when he was at a loss for words, did you really look that good? You twirled around for him, your dress spinning with me. The candle lit room caused the warm flames to dance along on your skin, the shine from the creams encapsulating the richness and softness of your skin.

“Good?” You asked softly, not sure if you actually looked beautiful.

"Good doesn't even begin to cover it," he murmured huskily, his eyes locked on your figure, "You look divine."

He took a step closer to you, his hands twitching at his sides as he ached to touch you.

Your heart skipped a beat, he thought you looked divine. That was the best compliment he’s ever given you. You smiled before you turned around and walked over to your bed, getting on it and laying in the middle of the mattress as you looked over at him, waiting for him to come closer and start touching you. Your hair pooled around the pillows as your dress rode up to your ankles, revealing your supple skin.

The room was covered in candles, a sweet aroma that added to the sensuality of the moment. Leon watched you lie down on the bed, his heart thudding in his chest at the sight of you on the soft mattress, looking like a goddess waiting to be worshipped.

His eyes drank in the sight of your bare skin, his gaze roaming up from your ankles, up to your dress, and then to your face. He swallowed hard, his control starting to slip as he slowly approached the bed. Each step was deliberate, his eyes darkened with a mixture of heat and need. As he reached the edge of the bed, he placed one knee on the mattress, towering above you.

Leon could see the mixture of nervousness and desire in your eyes, and he understood the trust you had in him. He took a moment to collect himself, his own emotions and desire threatening to overtake him.

His eyes roaming your body, taking in the sight of you laid out on the bed like a tempting offering. He swallowed hard, the need to touch you and claim you was almost overwhelming.

Slowly, he reached out and gently placed a hand on your shoulder, his fingers tracing a path down to your exposed skin, "You're beautiful," he whispered coarsely.

“Thank you, my lord,” you whispered softly and almost breathlessly. He’s never touched you like this. You’ve only ever held hands and kissed and that was yesterday. You hesitantly brought a hand over to him, your fingers ghostly hovering over his clothed chest as your eyes wandered on his chest. His shirt made it so that his muscles were a bit noticeable.

Your eyes then looked back up at his before they flicked down to his lips. You looked back at his blue eyes, noticing the dilated pupils almost obscuring the blue around it. Leon's breathing grew heavier as he felt your hand hovering over his chest, your touch like a ghost against his skin. He watched as your eyes darted down to his lips, and he couldn’t help but lick his lips in response.

“You can touch me,” he said gruffly, his voice low and hoarse, “I won't break.”

He reached down and gently grasped your wrist, guiding your hand onto his chest so you could feel the warmth and firmness of his muscles. He watched your expression closely, his own eyes darkened with need.

Your breath hitched for many reasons; his hand on your wrist, your palm against his warm chest, his reassurance—it all made you a bit breathless.

You pressed your hand on his chest, feeling the muscles through his shirt. Your eyes drifted down to his hand on your wrist, he made your wrist look so small with his big hand. It made your heart flutter.

You looked back up at him, your lips slightly parted as you touched him. Even if it was just his chest. Leon's heart raced as he felt your hand on his chest, pressing and feeling the muscles below his shirt. It was the softest touch, but it sent jolts of pleasure down his spine.

He tightened his grip on your wrist, the feeling of your slender, soft skin under his rough, calloused hand made his blood boil. He had to fight the urge to just tear the dress off of you and take you right there and then. Instead, he watched as you took in the feel of him, your touch lingering, and he clenched his jaw in an attempt to maintain control.

You brought my other hand to his cheek, your hand trailing down his neck before you also let it rest on his chest. Right as he held your wrist gently.

You looked up at him again, your doe eyes looking at him so innocently, “My lord…” you whispered quietly before your eyes fell back in his lips. Your nightdress sleeves slipped down your shoulders, exposing your collarbone as well as the top of your breasts but not entirely.

Your touch was both innocent and sensual, igniting a fire in Leon's core that he was struggling to control. He swallowed hard as he watched your sleeves slip down, revealing more of your creamy, supple skin, and his eyes darkened with growing desire.

"I'm no lord here, not to you," he responded gruffly, his voice hoarse with need, "Say my name."

Your stomach flipped when you heard his words and his tone. He sounded so needy and just for you. But what made you more flustered was that he wanted you to say his name.

No title at all. For the three months that you’ve been married, you’ve always called him by his title out of respect as he was initially rude to you. But now that things have changed, maybe you should start calling him by his first name.

“Leon,” you whispered softly, the name rolling off your tongue with ease. As if it felt right to say his name.

The sound of you whispering his name sent a shiver down Leon’s spine. It was a soft, shy whisper but to him, it sounded like music to his ears. He brought his other hand up to cup your cheek, his thumb gently brushing over your soft skin, "Again," he murmured, his voice thick with need, "Say it again."

You leaned into his hand as you looked up at him with half-lidded eyes, “Leon,” you repeated his name again.

Leon couldn’t stop the low groan that escaped him when you said his name again, his grip on your wrist unconsciously tightening at the sound. You spread your legs a bit so he could settle between your legs, causing your dress to slip up your knees to expose your calves. His grip on your wrist was firm but gentle and you moved your free hand to your night dress.

Your fingers undid the knot of your robe before you put your hand back on his chest, your dress opening to reveal your naked body to him. Your breasts looked soft and shiny from the candle lights. The skin looking so supple and creamy, almost like milk. His eyes darkened with hunger as he looked at your now exposed body, his breath hitching in his throat. You looked so soft, so creamy, so perfect, and the heat that pooled in his groin was almost unbearable. He let go of your wrist and brought his hand down to the opening of your robe, pushing it further down to reveal more of you to him. Laid out like a meal just for him to devour. Leon's breathing grew more ragged as he took in the sight of your bare body, his eyes slowly roaming over every inch of you as if he was trying to memorize each curve and detail.

He ached to touch you, to feel your soft, warm skin beneath his hands, but he held himself back, just taking in the sight for a moment.

“Gods, you are exquisite," he murmured hoarsely, his eyes darkened with desire and lust. He couldn't look away even if he tried, you looked like a vision in the candlelight.

You looked up at him. Your hesitant hands slowly rested back on his chest, your fingers resting along the strings that hung loose from his shirt. Leon's heart thundered in his chest as your hands moved back to his chest, your fingers gently playing with the strings of his shirt. The feeling of your touch sent sparks of heat through his body, and he had to remind himself to stay calm.

He reached up a hand and gently took a hold of yours, bringing it up to his lips and gently kissing each finger.

You watched attentively with parted lips as he brought your hand to his lips and kissed each finger, your breathing quickened and you felt myself grow hot. Such a sincere and innocent gesture made you want him more.

There was glint of something in my eyes, something you’ve never felt until now. Was it respect? Kindness? Affection? You didn’t know but you did know that you were starting to feel something heavier than want. Something that could only ever be read in books.

Leon's eyes met yours as you cup his face with your other hand, your gentle touch sending a jolt of electricity through his body. The look in your eyes was new to him, but it stirred something within him. Something more profound than mere want.

He continued to kiss your fingers, his lips ghosting over your knuckles, your palm, the inside of your wrist. He gently placed your palm against his cheek and leaned into your touch, closing his eyes for a moment as he basked in the feel of your skin against him.

"You're so gentle," he murmured softly, his voice hoarse with an unnamed emotion.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” you whispered back to his words. Leon's heart ached at your words, hearing the sincerity and affection in your voice. The way you held his face in your hands, so gently and softly, made something inside him stir.

He opened his eyes, looking back at you with an unreadable expression, his gaze intense and almost vulnerable.

"You won't hurt me," he assured you, his voice low, "And even if you do... I don't care," he reached up and gently placed his hand over one of yours, "I don't care as long as I'm with you like this."

Your heart swelled at his words, what you were eeling frightened you a bit. You didn’t know anything about what you were feeling right now.

You gently pulled his face down towards yours, your eyes glancing at his lips before you looked back at his eyes. Leon's breath hitched as you pulled his face down towards yours, and when he felt your soft, warm lips on his, something inside of him snapped. He gently but firmly brought his hands around your waist, pulling you close to him as he deepened the kiss.

He had intended to take things slow, but the feeling of your lips on his, the heat of your body against him, it was too much to resist.

He moved one hand up to cup the back of your neck, angling your head to kiss you more deeply, his tongue gently seeking entrance into your mouth. You gasped and opened your mouth, feeling his tongue dance with yours. Your hands fell from his face to his chest, resting there for a moment as you relished in the feeling of his lips and tongue. Savoring him, you didn’t care if he tasted like his dinner, you were tasting him and you felt him close. That was all that mattered to you.

You kissed him back, pushing your tongue inside his mouth. He was the oasis and you were a thirsty wanderer, you needed him and you didn’t realize how much until this moment.

He couldn't get enough of you. You were like a drug, intoxicating and addictive, and he wanted more. He groaned against your lips as you kissed him back, his hand moving further up your neck and tangling into your hair as he pulled you even closer to him, his body growing needy and greedy for you. Your hands gripped his shirt tightly, fisting the material as you held on to him. You didn’t want to let go. Your body was responding to him in a way you’ve never felt before.

Your hands were quick to lift his shirt up, breaking the kiss momentarily as you undressed him with gentleness. Leon's eyes darkened with desire as you lifted his shirt, exposing his toned, muscled chest to your gaze. He watched your eyes as they roamed over his scars, his breath catching in his throat as your fingers gently traced over them.

He could see the way you looked at him, with a mixture of awe and admiration, and it only made him want you more. He leaned down, his lips hovering above yours as he spoke in a deep, husky voice, "Touch me, touch me as if I am your only."

Your eyes drifted back up to look at his, his words stirring something deep in your gut, “You are,” you whispered back in a breathless voice. Your hands roamed around his torso, feeling each contour and dip from his muscles and scars.

Leon's heart quickened at your words, his body responding to your touch, your tenderness, your love. Every caress of your hands, every gentle touch, made him feel alive. He didn't know what to make of the feelings that were bubbling up inside him. He had married you out of obligation, but now, with your hands on him, it felt like so much more.

He took one of your hands in his and brought it up to his lips, gently kissing your knuckles before pressing it against his chest, over his heart, "Feel that?" he whispered.

Your hand was pressed against his chest, over his heart and you could feel how fast it was beating, a reflection of your own heart as well. You looked back up at him and nodded.

“I do,” you whispered back, his heart was beating fast, almost uncontrollably. It caused my breath to hitch and your words to cut short.

"It means you have mine," he said gruffly, his voice thick with emotion. "My heart. My soul. Everything that I am, it's yours."

He brought his hand up to cup your cheek, his thumb gently caressing your skin, "Only yours," he breathed, his eyes never leaving yours.

Your heart beat faster and you could feel yourself turn to mush. Your heart ached and your stomach flipped inside you at his words. He was yours, everything about him.

“Leon,” you whispered, staring at his eyes to try and look for signs of deceit but you could only find honesty. Leon could see the look in your eyes, the mix of surprise, disbelief, and awe, and it only served to make his own heart beat faster. He wasn't sure what had come over him, but the words had slipped out on their own. He looked at you for a moment, his eyes roaming over your face as if trying to commit every detail to memory.

"Say it back," he breathed, his voice hoarse and almost desperate, "Say you're mine," he needed to hear it, to know that he wasn't alone in his feelings.

“I’m yours,” you whispered as you looked at him, “My entire being,” uou continued, suddenly feeling the words spill out of you with no control.

“Let me have you for myself and myself only,” you whispered in an almost pleading tone, “let me be the only woman in your life.”

Your eyes were basically begging him to have you as his sole woman. You didn’t want him to have concubines, you wanted to be his only lady. Leon's heart clenched at your words, his breath catching in his throat. The desperation, the plea in your voice, it hit him hard. He knew he had been with other women before, it was expected from him, but the thought of having anyone else but you after tonight felt wrong, felt foreign.

"You are," he breathed, his voice thick with emotion as his hand moved from your cheek to the back of your head, "You are the only woman in my life. From this day forth, and every day after."

Your heart swelled and you could feel your eyes glaze over with nothing but love. That’s right. What you were feeling was love and it was overwhelming.

You crashed your lips against his, gripping his arms as you pulled his body down against yours until you were pressed together like mush. You kissed him deeply and passionately, pouring all your emotions into the kiss.

Leon groaned deeply as you pulled him down on top of you, feeling the heat of your body against his, the softness of your lips on his, it was all too much. He moved his hands down to your hips, gripping them tightly as he ground against you, his body responding to yours with a primal need. You gasped against his lips as you felt him ground against you, feeling his bulge through his trouser press against your bare core making me feel some type of way.

He kissed you back with equal fervor, his tongue delving into your mouth, tasting you and claiming you as his own. He wanted to feel all of you, to be inside you, to make you his. The thought of claiming you, of making you his completely, of filling you with his seed and making you carry his child, sent a shiver down his spine.

He ground against you again, his hips moving on their own, seeking friction and relief from the ache that was building up inside him.

"You want that," he breathed, his voice low and rough, "You want me to take you, make you mine?"

“I’m already yours,” you whispered breathlessly, feeling him ground against you again, your heat and wetness obviously showing how much you wanted him to take you.

You moved against him, grinding your hips against his bulge as you also felt a tight feeling that sought relief. It was an ache that was unfamiliar to you. The sound of your words and the feel of you moving against him made Leon's body ache for you. He growled as you ground your hips against him, his hands gripping your hips tightly as he returned your movements, pushing against you and causing a wave of pleasure to wash over him.

"You're so beautiful," he breathed, his eyes roaming over your naked body as he continued to move against you, "I never want to stop touching you."

You let out a quiet moan, feeling pleasure coursing through my veins like electricity, “Don’t stop,” you whispered. You closed your eyes and savored the feeling even if he was still wearing his trousers.

Leon let out a guttural moan, his breathing growing ragged as he continued to move against you, his body aching to be inside you, to be one with you. Your words were like a command and he knew he had to obey, he didn't want to stop, he didn't want to hold back. He never had, but now, the consequences would be different.

But he didn't care.

"I don't want to stop," he groaned, his hands moving to the waistband of his trousers, "I don't know if I can even if I tried."

Your eyes trailed down to his hand on the waistband of his trousers, watching as he started to fully undress himself and show you his bare form. He was like a drug you grew addicted to, you also don’t think you could stop even if you tried. Now, all you wanted was to be with him. To be his lady forever as you ruled over the kingdom as King and Queen.

“Me neither,” you whispered as you looked back up into his blue eyes. Leon was barely holding on to the last bit of control he had. Your words, your breathless voice, it was driving him to a frenzy.

He lowered himself down, his body resting against yours, his hardened length pressed against your wet core, the tip barely grazing your entrance. He groaned deeply at the feeling, his hips instinctively moving against you. You whimpered as he started to push his hard cock inside you, filling you when he hasn’t even started.

"You don't know what you do to me," he breathed, his face buried in your shoulder, "What you make me feel."

You let out a shaky breath as your arms wrapped around his shoulders, your nails gently clawing at his back. Leon groaned as he entered you, the tightness and warmth of your body was unlike anything he had ever felt before. It was ecstasy and heaven all in one. He lifted his face from your shoulder and looked down at you, his eyes full of love and desire.

"You feel so good," he breathed, his voice hoarse, "So tight, so perfect."

He began to move slowly, his hips rocking against yours, his hands caressing your body, his lips leaving a trail of kisses on your neck and chest.

As he started to move inside you, slowly thrusting into you, you rolled your head back against the pillows and closed your eyes as you relished in the waves of pleasure crashing over you. His hips rocked slowly but you could feel so well, you had finally become one.

You could only moan softly in his ear, savoring him and holding him close to you. Leon continued to move inside you, his pace steady and slow, wanting to make this moment last as long as possible. He could feel his heart slamming against his chest, his breathing coming out in ragged gasps. He needed more, he needed all of you.

He lifted himself up, resting on his forearms, and looked down at you, "Look at me," he breathed, "I want to see your face."

You opened your eyes and looked up at him as he moved deep inside you, your lips parted and your cheeks flushed as you moaned and gasped breathlessly. As he lifted himself up, your hands fell down from his back and laid on either side of your head.

The tempo was slow but sensual, wanting to make this moment last longer. The sounds we made echoed through the room. You arched your back as he started to move faster, slowly starting to feel his hips slam against your, the sound of skin clapping echoing in your mind. Leon continued his pace as he watched you unravel beneath him. The sounds of your moans and gasps, the way your body trembled and clenched around him, it was all too much.

Your moans became short and breathy, an indication of how much he was taking you to the edge as well. You rolled your eyes back and gasped quietly, you couldn’t hold much longer. The faster and harder he went, the harder it was to hold back. He could feel himself on the edge of release, his body taut and his muscles coiled, ready to explode.

You looked up at him, making sure he was seeing your face as you were so close to coming. Your body started to tremble slowly at each thrust. You panted heavily as your hands gripped the bedsheets under you and before you knew it, you looked at him, eyes full of bliss and pleasure as you let go and felt yourself spasm and clench around him, finally coming on him.

As he watched you come undone, he felt himself falling over the edge as well. His hips moved frantically, his body taking over as he chased his own release.

You let out whimpers as he started to move frantically, thrusting against you like an animal in heat and desperate for release. He let out a guttural moan as he found his own pleasure, his body tensing and shuddering as he found release inside you.

He snapped his hips against you before he spilled his seed deep inside you, coating your walls white with his cum. You were left panting and sweaty, your body suddenly feeling tired from the intimate activities so you closed your eyes and tried to catch your breath. Leon breathed heavily as he collapsed on top of you, his body damp with sweat and his heart racing. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

He buried his face in the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent, letting your familiar fragrance fill his senses. He knew what he had just done, the thought of seeing you grow round and heavy with his child filled him with a sense of joy and possessiveness.

Your breathing has settled down and you slowly started to succumb to sleep, feeling your body grow exhausted and limp. As he remained on top of you, your head moved to the side, seemingly asleep as your body was so tired.

Never once would you have thought that you’d share a night like this. Previously, he was cold, harsh, and rude to you. You almost believed he’d never even hold your hand. And yet something in him changed and here you are.

He knew he had been harsh and cold with you in the beginning, but he had to be. It was to maintain a certain image, a facade. But as time passed, he realized that he was falling for you.

He gently pulled himself off of you, careful not to wake you, and then laid down beside you. He pulled the covers over the both of you and wrapped his arms around you, holding you close as he, too, allowed himself to drift off to sleep.

[sorcerous-caress]

Hello!! I love your writing 😍 Would it be okay if you wrote Karlach, Lae'zel and whomever you wish with a tiefling!Tav that loses both a horn and an eye during a battle and can't quite find balance in their fighting afterwards bc of it?

Reacting to Tav losing a horn/eye

[Hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, nb!reader, Tiefling!reader]

[Karlach, Laezel, Wyll, Halsin]

Karlach

She swears she can still hear it, your agonised scream, the splatter of blood, the crunch of bone being torn apart.

As if the world slowed down for a moment, an eerie quietness surrounding the battlefield for the uncomfortable stretched out seconds. Your companions turning to look at you, clutching your eye with your back hunched.

Dread filled her stomach, one of your horns laid on the bloody floor next to your feet.

She doesn't remember the rest. Only when she stood atop the burnt rubble of what used to be the battlefield, did the all-consuming rage fade away from her mind.

Karlach is immediately at your side after, apologising for not being there sooner.

She's by your side as you heal, making sure to bring you anything you might need. As your struggles to adjust to combat again in the aftermath become more and more evadint, she is one of the first people to suggest fully leaving combat to her.

Yes, you are capable. Yes, she has seen how strong you are. But sometimes life just doesn't go the way we plan it. You can relay on her instead.

You don't have to go back to the cruel world. You can let her take care of it. Karlach really can't afford losing you. She'd claw her way up the heavens and steal you away if your fate took a turn to the worse.

Laezel

She completely disagrees with Karlach. This is nothing but a minor setback if anything. Laezel completely has faith in you to relearn how to find your balance, and she'll teach you if she has to.

As long as you can still stand on your feet and carry a sword, then you can fight in her eyes. She will give her sincere apologies for letting you down in battle and not doing something before enemeis got the chance to best you, but besides it, you'll get no pity from her.

Why is everyone acting as if you died? You're clearly still the same strong and capable person she knows. If anything, each scar is evidence of how your enemies' failure to put you down, you should show your broken horn with pride.

She has enough self awareness not to impose her views on you, no matter how much she thinks her companions are being dramatic and oversensitive, is she noticed you being fully uncomfortable with her approach she will take her leave from your bedside.

But you got fed up with people infantlising you, then she will be the first to 6pull you back into an intense daily training routine until you regain your footing.

Wyll

While Karlach and Laezel were too busy arguing about your own fate, Wyll was there for you throughout every stage of healing. He knows what it's it like losing an eye. He can relate to the horror and dissociation that happens whenever you look at the mirror to see a piece of yourself missing.

He still hasn't gotten used to his own horns himself, and losing one of yours must have been painful to bear. He will stay by your side until you feel better, no pressure to discuss the future or your fighting abilities or anything.

Wyll will make sure you don't feel alone, that the dark thoughts don't consume you too much. Share you worries with him, let him help carry your burdens, please. It kills him seeing someone so dear to him suffer when he can't do anything or help.

Halsin

His heart breaks, seeing you coming back to camp limbing and bloodied that day. He prays to Silvanus to ease your pain as he takes shift with Shadowheart to nurse you back to health with healing spells.

Nature can be so unforgiving sometimes, to some animals, losing an eye or horn can be a death sentence.

But he has seen even the most withered of plants suddenly flourish and regain their strength, he has personally stayed up countless nights to care for the weak kittens that their mother refused to even acknowledge.

He has seen them grow, nurtured them into a strong healthy state.

Don't surrendered to the darkness, when the abyss starts whispering about how this is your end and how your potential was wasted you yell at the abyss, bite, claw and fight your way out of this rut.

True strength lies in the heart, give yourself time to rest, and don't rush your healing. Eventually, you'll be back on your own two feet with a new view on the world before you can realise it.

[gothmiqote]

Also worth noting that she feels weirdly guilty about admitting any of this to the Scions?

The thing about Varha is that she just doesn’t talk about herself much at all. Like, she’s relatively open if you ask her something that’s presently relevant somehow, but she doesn’t ever volunteer information about her past unless really pressed for it somehow. The first time anyone picked up on this was a good few years into knowing her when the topic of name days came up & no one had any idea what hers was or even how old she was outside of a good guess.

(It’s actually not related to any sort of past tragedies or even the calamity. She just passively absorbed a distinct lack of importance when it came to her household, almost like everyone was too tired to really care all that much once the rest of her siblings were celebrated properly. When she hit the age where ‘friend’ parties were expected to take the place of family ones, she just kinda… stopped doing anything since most years she found herself without any real friends anyway. She knew people in her area and liked them enough, but no one ever ‘clicked’ with her in a way that mattered. Most name days after that were spent out of the house as much as possible, on the off chance one of her parents ever questioned her about it. She still found ways to enjoy it, she just had no desire to have a conversation about her plans. To this day, she still gets weird around the name day itself & is actually pretty uncomfortable with the idea that anyone wants to have any kind of celebration for her.)

And she knows it’s also not on her that the current family dynamic is what it is. It’s not like she chose hostility with her brother, and plenty of others lost people in the calamity. That doesn’t stop her from feeling somehow like she’s failed at something very important though. It seems like such a simple thing, for her to be on speaking term with her brother, but she isn’t and she’s afraid if she’s honest about that, then somehow his feelings about her will leech into other people. She’s got no idea what she would do if they started seeing her like he did (irritating, clingy, someone he’s happy to dismiss) but she’s pretty sure she wouldn’t cope well. She doesn’t want to feel like she’s holding her friends at a distance, but letting them see that part of her personal life feels like giving up a massive amount of control over her image. Her sister threw herself off the roof as a last resort and her only other living sibling can barely stand to be in the same room as her. It all feels extraordinarily pathetic and not at all the image she wants to project.

She needs these people to keep on liking her. She’s gotten too used to it now and doesn’t think she’s capable to going back to that quiet rejection. Not unlike a wounded animal who does its absolute best to avoid showing injury, Varha is desperate to keep her weak points under wraps just in case someone else decides to hate her for it. If it was enough of a reason for her own blood to abandon her when they should have been using each other for support, she’s got no reason to thing people outside of that wouldn’t also start to look at her with disgust.

Her confrontation with Rhaya’ra in Sharlayan was painful & unexpected, and while she should have just been focusing all her energy on saving the star, she keeps getting distracted by a past she never wanted to deal with again.

Varha keeps poking at me with more Family Lore TM as an explanation for why her current relationship with Rhaya’ra is Like That & it’s coming in the form of “actually Three of us survived the calamity physically but one is suspiciously Not Present Now & also she was definitely Rhaya’s favourite sister :)”

I don’t have a name for this sibling yet but she’s. Definitely not going to be making any present day appearances that’s for sure.

[lacedinweb22]

I don't wanna let you go ❦︎

inspired by Enhypen’s “Bills” - Miguel O'Hara x fem!reader (angsty chapter from my Wattpad series Vampire Next Door)

‧₊°♱༺𓆩❦︎𓆪༻♱

Miguel’s mother wasn’t gentle. His personality attests to that.

She was abusive, resentful, lacked any empathy, just overall shitty. Not much of a mother at all.

Miguel didn’t thrive at home, but he did thrive at school.

Though he was sarcastic, talked back to any authority (to be fair, he usually had a point), and had a hell of a mouth on him, his teachers gave him the validation his mother didn’t—academic validation.

He was a genius, really, and school was his distraction from the hell hole he lived in.

High school was far too slow-paced for him. And university, he found slightly challenging, but when he looked around to see everybody else was really struggling, having breakdowns, begging for his tutoring, he realized he found his courses quite easy. He realized he was different…

socially and academically.

He’s only ever had three friends, Vel being one of them.

He surprisingly found a friend in the hard-shelled vigilante, an acquaintance, someone he could banter with, argue, fight. They were there for each other.

Is it impossible to turn back time? No time.

So when he realized in addition to you possibly being hung up on some girl you used to live with, his own acquaintance had made a move on you, he came in swinging.

He reflects, remembers:

“I know you already hate me… already don’t trust me, but I need to tell you something else,” you muttered.

“Dios, what?”

“Vel… has been flirting with me. When you left, after she hurt herself, she… she kind of admitted her feelings to me.”

“Vel? Vel. Vel as in Velvet, Vel as in—”

“Yes, Mig. The only Vel we both know.”

“Vel?”

“Oh god.”

“After I cleaned up her messes, after I patched up her knee? After I—”

“I know.”

“And you did what? You said what?”

“I was kind of in shock, and I know— I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming… I just, I said I wanted you, and that’s when she brought her up. She said you were in the way like my roommate’s boyfriend was. Struck a nerve, struck several, so I left.”

One day, the invoice that you stuck on me, the pain that became my share,

He nods.

“Funny. Thought you were still hung up on her, thought you were going to abandon me and move back with her, meanwhile, the only real threat was my own fucking friend. Adds up.”

I’m sure I paid for it.

He shakes his head, forehead resting on his own big hands. He doesn’t look up at you.

****

He realizes he has mommy issues, abandonment issues, every issue in the book really.

Getting closer to you scared him. He worried he was a burden, that you’d have to deal with all of the weight that came with him. But you were reassuring, seemed like you could handle it, like you wanted to handle it.

You made him trust again, made him a better person.

He sits on the fire escape, slouched, head hung in thought.

It takes everything in him not to go to your bedroom window, just right there, he wouldn’t argue, he’d just embrace you. It’ll fix everything he thinks.

But he doesn’t. Instead, he sits, continues to think.

He never really had space for insecurity, or reason for it really, being at the top of the class with no threats ever, made him secure in himself, gave him a strong sense of confidence.

Besides… maybe the insecurity stemming from the rejection and neglect from his mother—but he refused to count that. He accepted their fucked relationship at a young age, and decided he’d become smart, build his way out of there. Fuck her. He didn’t need her. It was a lost cause,

but you, he could never give up on you. He does need you.

New emotions, love, being loved by you, this, however, brought forth a new sense of insecurity.

For once, he didn’t have control over everything, over himself.

He seeks your love, attention, wants to make you feel loved, understood, and the idea that you could find someone else to do that, made him insecure, made his heart race, body temperature hot.

Maybe his mom did have something to do with this, Vel always said so anyway. Maybe for once she was right. He feared you’d abandon him—emotionally, physically—the way the one person in the world who was meant to love him abandoned him.

He wonders how he—

Your window slides open. He turns back to see you. You look exhausted—he hates to think he’s to blame—tired, and still beautiful.

“Y/n.”

“Miguel.”

The sad way you say his name makes his stomach drop. You sit on your window sill, fiddling with your jacket.

“I’ve been thinking.”

I thought about it, it’s not paid.

He looks up at you, desperate to know what you think.

“Maybe… maybe we need a break, maybe we just need time apart,” you say, weakly.

He exhales, like he’s been punched in the stomach.

You continue, “Maybe I’m still not healed from her, and I know—I see that it hurts you.”

You sniffle, tears rolling down. You rest your head against the brick wall.

“I don’t want to let you go,” you sob, gently.

He wants to hug you, but it’ll only make this harder.

The price of parting keeps getting more and more expensive. I just wanna let it go.

Maybe he deserves to be abandoned. Maybe you’ll both hurt less this way.

Why don’t you just let me go?

He wonders if this is permanent, if it’s really the end, but it only makes him feel dizzy. He stands up, wipes the tears he didn’t realize were falling, and gives you one last look,

“If that’s what you want.”

The right price I only learned through tears. 

｡‧₊°♱༺𓆩❦︎𓆪༻♱

ughhh angst

anyways yeah shocker I'm an Engene ❀*ੈ  go stream Romance: Untold

time-skip chapter coming soon ₊ʚïɞ 

[crystallizsch]

Random Thought, please humor me.

SURPRISE: YUUSHA GAINS MAGIC (By absorbing the Magic around her & dealing with Overblots)! Even better, she doesn't need a Mage Stone to control it! What would Yuusha's Unique Magic be & how does she use it? How would Jamil react?

"Magic makes people feel too powerful. Too entitled."

"That is not what magic does. That's just your fear. Fear is what can't be trusted."

HELPPP anon your random thought sent me down into a rabbit hole and i was hyperfixated on this for at least a WEEK 😭

THANK YOU FOR THE ASK BTW I REALLY APPRECIATE IT I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS 💕💕💕

anyways i also had an agonizing realization that yuusha is somewhat twisted elsa/anna because she has:

braid in front ✅

light-colored hair streak ✅

love interest that used her for his schemes ✅

desire to connect with people bc of years of loneliness (and emotional instability) ✅

unresolved childhood trauma in general ✅

(and probably more idk, these are the ones that stand out to me at the moment)

i haven't thought about frozen for YEARS and somehow it's still haunting me.

i have a lot of mixed feelings about this realization in general but the reason i brought this up is because i ended up basing yuusha's unique magic on frozen (not the ice powers part, but more the emotions aspect since elsa's powers work based on her emotions) while also still having aspects of yuu's own personality on it.

(also I'm sorry in advance i keep on dropping random lore about yuu and jamil's dynamic that only makes sense to myself hndsfhdsj)

I'm your friend. You don't have to hide. SHOW YOURSELF.

"Show Yourself" forces the target to say what's actually on their mind as long as she touches them. Since she's not particularly powerful and skilled with her own unique magic in the beginning, it's limited to skin-to-skin contact, and it only lasts for as long as she's touching her target.

If Yuu trained it more, it doesn't have to be skin-to-skin, just as long as she makes some kind of physical contact with her target; and it could last for as long as she wants even if she is no longer making physical contact. (But the longer she keeps it up, the more blot accumulates.) Yuusha would mostly just use her unique magic to mess with people. It'll only be rare that she chooses to use it for something serious.

To add more onto how Jamil would react to these magic shenanigans: They've both agreed on not using their unique magic on each other. To do so would be a breach of trust. (Of course there would be special exceptions but generally that's their agreement.) And since Jamil is still a scheming prick (affectionate), her "Show Yourself" unique magic would be useful. Plus, Yuu would not be against using her unique magic 99% of the time since she is also aware of the usefulness of her ability. Jamil would insist on helping Yuu out on how to use her magic because there was no way she'd get the hang of it immediately. And he knows she would refuse to ask any other (capable) magician for help.

An alternate idea that I scrapped was "Let It Go" where it's essentially Yuu telling her target to let go of their (usually negative) emotions. But those feelings can't just disappear so Yuu basically absorbs them so now it's her burden to carry instead. I scrapped it because I can't settle on how it works. (But it still had angst potential so I couldn't help but draw a bit about it anyway.)

(extra rambling below about yuusha overblot thoughts if anyone's interested hdlfhjgj)

this is a brief tangent from the original question because i also thought, "hey what if she overblotted, wouldn't that be fun"

i could see the overblot going in either two ways:

yuu accidentally hurts grim (or another friend) with her magic. she’s so distraught thinking that even with magic she can't protect those who are dear to her. and so during the overblot she will not actively try to hurt anyone but instead exhausting her magic reserves in an intentional attempt at self-destruction. (yes i also see the frozen parallels shhhh)

OR

something happens that was simply THE LAST STRAW. now she’s too pissed at everyone that she no longer cares about what happens to her or anyone else, going on a destructive rampage. which can also be considered an intentional attempt at self-destruction.

either way, basically, if she can’t go home she’s just going to take herself out and/or the school instead. the girl is not okay.

(there's actually nothing good she can home to, but she's convinced she'll be happy again if she returns. but she doesn't know that because she can't remember shit about her home. that's a separate lore dump post hgdsjfkld)

also the blot monster behind her would look something like marshmallow (elsa's snow monster from frozen) :)

(i also used to have a similar idea for yuusha. i planned to have her be immune to magic *because* she was absorbing it and she didn't realize. leading to an inevitable overblot) (but i scrapped it because yuusha became my victim for jamil x yuu stuff) (like if i can't have the excuse to have jamil use snake whisper on yuu then what is the point)

[greyskyflowers]

I continue to look for an AU fic where Ichigo dies and no one can find him anywhere in soul society for years. To the point that they start to think maybe he just went into the reincarnation cycle already.

Eventually the Rukongai has some type of issue and a few of the shinigami are sent out to follow up on it. While responding to it they happen upon a small, nervous child.

One of the younger and newer shinigami tries to get some information out of her or what she may have seen, they wouldn't have hurt her, but they move too quick and she jerks back. They don't even have time to apologize before a boy is standing in front of her and scowling.

He's so small. All protective fury and barely contained fear tucked into too thin limbs and dusty, bruised skin. His hair is bright, even under all the dirt.

His little chin wobbles but he still holds it up to look them in the eyes, and there are tears welling up but he blinks them away. His legs don't shake the whole time though.

There's no memory or recognition in his eyes when he looks at those who knew him.

Because everyone would spoil the hell out of him, I need the Visored and Kisuke spoiling the hell out of him.

This time he can grow up slower and with more love and support than he knows what to do with.

This time when he learns to raise a blade it won't be because he has too. Maybe this time he decides to use his hands for healing or focus on strategy.

And any blood shed will be under their watchful eyes, in training or the small accidents children always get into, instead of life or death battles.

Ichigo is always going to be a protector at his core and he'll always be the first one in and the last one out.

They can make sure he's not alone though, that the burden isn't solely on him and that he's not just a power piece in everyone's plans.

This time the protector gets to be protected.

And maybe some day they'll tell him that the hero in the stories they tell him are actually him.

*******

Ichigo asking to hold hands with Kensei and okay, how is Kensei suppose to say no to those big eyes? He can't. Ichigo holding up his hand and wiggling his fingers until Kensei takes it. Shūhei letting Ichigo cling to his leg and sit with him while doing paperwork, and Mashiro carriing him on her back and zooming around.

The 11th division making off with him and everyone's low key concerned at first because it's the 11th but they shouldn't have worried. They all spar with Ichigo and it's easy to see how happy he is when they carefully knock him over and then help him up before going over how to better his stance or block a hit. They howl and yell in support when he gets a hit in and he proudly shows off the hard earned scrapes and bruises.

Renji carrying him around on his shoulder and grinning at small fingers that tangle in his hair and pull a little too hard when excited. Rukia spending hours drawing with him and they stick their art up everywhere they can get away with it. They put up multiple in Byakuya's office and he doesn't acknowledge anyone who dares asks about taking them down.

Yoruichi napping with Ichigo and purring when he uses her a pillow or even letting him wrap his arms around her like a stuffed animal. She's known to smack out a paw at anyone who tries waking him up or moving him.

Kisuke and Ichigo staring at each other for 10 minutes when they first meet again, before Ichigo seems to find whatever he was looking for and gives a shy smile. Kisuke is absolutely gone, surprisedrelievedhappysohappy and protectprotectprotect burning in his chest.

Shunsui and Ichigo sitting together and enjoying nice afternoons. Both have little ceramic cups, Ichigo's has little berries painted on it that he had proudly done himself. No one mentions it was because of Lisa's wrath when she saw Shunsui giving Ichigo a sake cup of water. Now it's clearly marked and usually contains a bright, clearly not sake, colored juice.

Hiyori teasing him like a big sister and smacking him with her sandal when he does something reckless. They play pranks on Kisuke and Shinji frequently.

Kūkaku and Ganju occasionally stealing Ichigo and smothering him with the affection they were never able to give him before. They tell him about their clan without mentioning or hinting at the relation. Ichigo listening in excitement and saying he wished he had a family like that, not knowing why that makes them both look so happy but also so sad.

Shinji being one of Ichigo's favorites because he speaks to Ichigo like an adult. He tells him the truth when he asks questions and always helps him get back on his feet when he's been knocked off them. He lets Ichigo play with his hair and he always scares away any monsters that might be hiding behind shady corners and under dark steps. Sometimes he watches Ichigo with a weird look on his face, something between the way Kūkaku looks at him and Kisuke looks at him. Almost guilty... sorrowful. Grief is so heavy. When Ichigo asks about it, Shinji doesn't give an answer. It's one of the only times he feels like Shinji is hiding something from him.

[bubblewrapsnek]

Phantomarine Reread: Chapter 1

For this chapter I don't have too much to elaborate on so it'll probably be mostly stuff I enjoy about it so uhh enjoy!

Let's begin:

The cover of the chapter is just very fun and good, I love how in a full page what acts as frame is the composition itself, using the rock as both a titlecard, flat space made to have Phae stand out in the centre thanks to less detail around her, and has a couple skeletons climbing on it too making it interacted with the enviorment too, it's just very good, plus lots of cute critters

Bonus, pretty lady with pretty dress

One sword lady just happy to be there, good for her!

Cheth working like a lamp, getting turned off as soon as Phae chickens out is a very good bit xD

Something I also enjoy a lot from this chapter is just how present those godly veins are

You can clearly see them flowing into everything Cheth uses, they work at being somewhat subtle to me, at a first read I just assumed they were for flare, it's a god in the sea hopping bodies, of course he has an aura, but going back they are very consistantly threads coursing through what he touches and moves, around him at all time, and it makes the reveal that those aren't something he causes, but those are HIM very fun to go back to

Also Cheth being so unserious even when angry, giving eyelashes to a t-rex HE CHOSE TO THROUGH A HISSY FIT WITH, THIS GOD CHOSE THE DINOSAUR FAMOUS FOR HAVING TENEE TINY ARMS TO PERK THEM UP AND SHOW ANNOYANCE, love that for them

Something else I want to point out is how Phae is never still, every panel she is moving, posing with dumb bravado sometimes downplaying it a bit, it keeps her expressive and alive even when the obvious main show is Cheth's flamboyance and shapeshifting circus play, and that in itself is also a very fun thing, in a revolving door of actors, the play doesn't loose itself, Cheth's emotions are readable, a character is expressed constantly and flows nicely into a variety of states, and for both of them, keeping this bravado will pay off later in the chapter VERY well

Great visual, the veins themselves working as the smoke, showing he is loosing patience, he is fuming while being underwater

Another bonus point: Extremely rare instance where I find M!Cheth looking hot in a sense of coolness instead of the usual lovely dork clown (he is hot in both ways but this is a different taste)

Plus

The facless crowd of red eyes not playing, smiling or fooling around anymore, they are finally dead set on her, she created a play for them and he provides the pressure of an audience, more than the panel before, with her literally being portrayed in front of the t-rex's mouth, this feels like the maw of the beast surrounding her, sizing her and ready to devour her, ready to have her be part of the facless crowd of observers, very spooky

And this feeling of the maw of the beast pays off, 'cause shit gets real very fast, Cheth doesn't take it lightly and goes for the throat with a question that not only he thinks she would never know, but that hurts so so much, (and also shows what is in his mind when dealing with royalty, not the attacks towards him directly, not the damage to him, but the countless children who have been deprived of a family due to all this). This works as a tone shift, the first, altho minor, payoff from the swagger set up early in the chapter, and this question hits you in the face hard and fast

Cheth's frame while asking this is almost as big as the burden of that knowledge, a question so heavy the panel under it is quite literally being smothered, Phae's face accomapanying the reader who didn't expect the shift

And this leads to another piece of characterization that will come back later, Cheth cares for children, this isn't just a question done to hurt her but it's something he cares for, and why do I say this? well it's something I read not only in what will be said later on in other chapters, but in Cheth's reaction when Phae actually can provide an answer

He is confused, but also looks genuinely worried about her, he is dumbfounded AND concerned for the woman who showed to care about something he thought she would have only superficial empathy towards, for the girl who just admitted to being herself a lost child in grief (little headcanon, the cat showing up is there to be ready to help in case it got too far)

Something else I want to make note of that I find very compelling:

The background, Phae answers and the background goes BLANK, until now it consistantly framed her in either blue or red, either in Cheth's play or taking a step back from it, but now, this is something that wasn't part of his tease, this wasn't something he thought would happen, Phae's care and grief quite literally breaks Cheth's overwhelming, presence here, it feels as if not only is he shocked, but he is giving her a brief moment to breath, letting her have some space for just a moment, I love it

And this also leads to a moment I find very interesting, and I would like to give my reading to

The way I read it as of the time of writing this, is that Cheth has a deep fondness towards humanity, the anathema comic shows a devotion to his love for the people he fares in the afterlife, for the children of man who have all but forsaken him, and here he is ANGRY, but why would he be angry that the king actually cared for said people? I can think of one reason: at this point he has been waiting for a sign for 5000 years, made to sit back and watch for ages the humanity he loves sending their man foolishly to die in a war against him in which he isn't even participating, and I think he might have internalized how the people he loves have accepted a doctrine against him so deeply that they deem the sacrifice of their lives and the suffering of their children as worth less than fighting him. But what does he learn now? that the king, the guide of this war, feels guilt over this, that the mean leading all those people to die had to find a way to cope with how terrible that weight is, that they haven't forgotten how precious the lives of his people are, AND YET HE KEEPS SENDING THEM TO DIE, EXACTLY LIKE THEY DID FOR THE PAST 5000 YEARS. This is beyond foolish, this is pure denial of knowing that what you are doing is terrible, and thinking you can offset it by being kind instead of working on the problem at the root of it, I too would be angry if the man leading those fathers and mothers to abandon their children tried to save his conscience by doing charity instead of preventing those deaths to begin with.

God this came out rant-y, and probably not perfectly worded

Moving on

Remember when I spoke about how the constant expressiveness and bravado of the characters is a great setup, well here we get to the first very big payoff in my opinion

Once again, Cheth's overwhelming red get's completely broken, stark white coral framing the object of something that deeply hits him and breaks his flow, he stops to a screeching halt for the first time, speechless and astounded. without all that overwhelming presence before, all that bravado, this loss of control would hit so much less and it doesn't stop here, no this is the first punch of a two hit combo, the proverbial quiet before the storm

And this also leads to another reversal in their constant duel present in this chapter, up to now all of this has been a back an forth, a dance where Phae responds in kind to Cheth's provocations, and here, she doesn't reflect an attack, but just like Cheth seeing her at a low before had him react with a look of pity, she responds here with the same concerned expression

Sadly, Cheth isn't in a place where vulnerabilty is something that can be helped with pity or comfort, not now

Now all he is, is a raging storm of emotions

And how does he get back control of the scene? he lashes out, he once again becomes overwhelming, the entire scene becomes a vortex of red and anguished faces, Phae's bright yellow gets tinted in a red glow, something deep within him has been touched

And MY GOD is the subsequent page a mic drop, the red slowly drifts to the bottom, her emotions are settling down, there is a moment of reflection and quiet, of many things she probably couldn't hope to think about for such a long time finally piecing together, and with those elements coming into place, here comes a new face that we will come to know along the way, not only is this a new face in the chapter, this is an expression of Cheth's state of mind in my opinion, as we will later learn that the sign he was waiting for, all he is doing and setting up, it was all in the name of a promise made to this face. at least, this is my read atm, we'll have to see how the story unfolds to see how well it fits

Have you ever seen a lady so beautiful you forgot you are dealing with Satan and decided to flirt? Phae sure has

And here we arrive at the reason I said Phae's tired reaction to the death of children was the "minor" payoff to the bravado shown

Cause damn here we get to the main show of her fall

But also, shock factor aside, I want to point out how this is the first truly mean spirited move Cheth has made thus far, the question of children came from a place of care, this is purely mean, nothing can come from being this petty and evil in action, it's almost parody of the demonic figure he gets painted as, almost...

Yeah you all probably know what I'm getting at, this is the first action she takes after learning of the bonefish, of the sign, and we later learn that she actively decided to play up the evil aspect Phae knows her as, painting herself as a disgusting villain because that was the role she thought would work, after all, would kindness and explaining have worked? she is basically programmed to hate them...

And with this Cheth has completely put the curtain back on, the second act of the play has started and they are both the director and the actors, the scene once more tinges itself in overwhelming red as they start their show

After this point the chapter is quite straightforward to me, tho it doesn't shy away from some very neat shots that end up being some of my favourites of the entire chapter

Like this one, it creates a very good feel of having Phae on the backfoot, the textbox itself works in presenting her driven in a corner, against a wall, even amidst a boundless ocean she has no escape, and Cheth taking center stage to the panel also works in establishing them once more in control

Meanwhile, I honestly can't even explain why I like this laugh so much, it's just so visceral, so played to an extreme, the sea itself is laughing, Cheth looks like he could fall over on their back from how the laugh is bending them, you the reader aren't safe from the thunderous laughter as the panel itself breaks down, becoming seafoam, you are seeing them explode over the question of Shoshanna's return and once again, Cheth is playing up a villain, we see later down the line how the argument of Shoshanna breaks them and tears them down, and here I think they are masking it, they play up their bravado to an higher degree than ever before, a villain so incredibly sure of themselves that they can stop and laugh so much they aren't even seeing you anymore, they are completely exposed, not a single shade has their eyes open to keep watch on you

What grief could ever deserve such a boisterous mask?

AND HE KEEPS GOING, HE KEEPS UPPING THE FACADE

He both becomes and rides a wave about to wash Phae away, he both is master of a distaster and the disaster itself, all this part feels like is him deciding to play the villain and putting on his best theatrics to deliver it, they become mean, deameaning, ruthless, the teases don't feel as fun anymore, Phae isn't in a place to make it a back and forth anymore

The chapter starts as an ebb and flow between our main characters, but by the end there is no more pushback, Cheth has become a flood and Phae has lost the ground she was so confidently standing on before

And she manages to get a hold for a last desperate second, she has been pushed so far back in a corner that she lashes out violently, but in the end, even this is futile, in the end...

The tidal wave has crushed her, and she can do nothing but break.

[igotanidea]

Transient : JT x reader

Request: as a part of my celebration : Jason x daydream(ing).

***

“Jay?” her little sleepy voice came from behind his back and he immediately spun around to lay eyes on her figure.

She had a rough week, filled with work, long hours, massive amounts of things to do, places to be, people to talk to. No wonder that after five days of such grind she was just exhausted.  It was an introvert nightmare to be put amongst too many stimuli.

So instead of spending Friday evening on cuddling on the couch and watching movies with her boyfriend, as planned, she just simply feel asleep. And it was just so sweet to watch her like this.  

“I’m sorry….” She yawned and looked down apologetically “I know you really wanted to relax a bit, but I just…..’ she yawned again, her eyes closing since she had no power to keep her open “…I’m sorry, Jaybrid….”

“Hey. Stop it.” Jason cupped her cheek and caressed it gently “you need rest, baby. It’s normal. You’ve been working so hard, it’s only natural. My little workaholic.” He smiled and picked her up bridal style, holding her close to his chest and carrying towards the bedroom. Despite everything it was always surprising for her that he was able to lift her with no effort. And it was just so nice and comforting to drift off in his arms. Feeling like he would be the one to take care of her. To watch her and not let her get hurt. Y/N was used to being strong, she was a tough, resilient and independent woman, but knowing she had someone to share her burdens and worries with, was making her melt. A single memory of Jason was making her melt. And she knew it worked both ways, for him  as well as for her.

“Jason?” she muttered into his chest, locking hands on his neck, even during that little walk wanting him closer.

“Yes, princess?” she kissed her temple

“I love you…..”

“I love you too, baby.”

“Will you be here when I wake up? Promise me, you’ll come back to me safe…..”

“I promise. Now, sleep.” He laid her onto the bed gently, putting the covers over her body.

“You’re not gonna undress me for bed?” she chuckled

“Wouldn’t you like that, love?”

“mmmmm…..” her gentle snore had to do for an answer and Jason’s eyes started watering. All the feelings he held for her just finding the way out. Somehow she always knew how to strike that sensitive part of him, and surprisingly he was not afraid to be vulnerable with her. Having someone to care about, to pour all his love into, to care about, to talk to…. How did that happen to him? When did that happen to him?

“Sleep tight, princess. It’s all gonna be fine…..” he whispered watching as she rolled over to the other side, his heart clenching due to all the feelings stirring inside him.

And now she was awake, standing in front of him.

Due to some magic, during the night she lost her work clothes, in which he put her to sleep and was now wearing one of his old shirts. Too big for her, serving rather like a nightgown, covering only the tops of her thighs.

“Hi.” He smiled lightly, not daring to step towards her to break that peace, silence and reverie. It was unreal. Sun shone through the curtains, leaving reflections on the floor and on their faces,  the whole world just stopped for a second to let them indulge in the moment of being together  with no pressure, no expectations, no plans.

Just them.

Nothing more was needed. Jason just wanted to watch her like this forever. With messy hair and a bit blurry, yet sparkling eyes. God, those eyes that could burn right into his soul. And her smile. The lightest, almost unnoticeable yet lightening up her whole face. And it was meant just for him.  

“Hi…” she smiled back, rubbing eyes and stretching her back, goosebumps forming all over her bared legs.

“You’re…. wearing my shirt….” he stuttered

“I woke up at some point in the night and needed you. That was the closest thing to that I could get at the time. It smells like you.” her eyes sparkled, her mind still somewhere in the dream. “You’re never getting that back.” Her fingers clutched on the material and she hugged herself. “

“Don’t you want the original, now that I’m back to you?” he reached hands towards her and she dived into his arms, sighing deeply, inhaling his scent “See, princess? Told you it’s better.”

“Are you hurt? Do you need anything?” she mumbled, arms wrapping tightly around him

“You. Just that. Just let me daydream with you in my arms."

Life has a tendency to make you constantly pick up the pace, be busy, in a hurry, running around and dealing with things.

But moments are what counts the most. Seconds, when the gazes of two people who are in love met. A single brush of aligned hands. A stolen kiss. A hug.

Details that can make things better.

A single minute to let oneself daydream and get lost in the other person.

The most precious gift.

[angy-grrr]

I keep seeing people worried abt potential Iz/ch but like. We know that he probably wanted to talk about the same thing they did at the cliff, and she will keep thinking about Toga.

Yeah, for a second I also got slightly worried -bc yk, heterosexuality can just happen at any moment-, but after reading it all it doesn't look romantic at all. At least to me.

I am going to use this ask as an excuse to discuss the leaks under the cut, elaborating on this too

This chapter, to me, looks like Izuku is considering what means for him to be a hero himself, and if he even gets to be called that.

He is really... reflecting, if we pay attention to his facial expressions. After that student who used to had Aizawa-sensei as her teacher says she realized she really wants to be a hero after dealing with his "pranks", he is contemplative, maybe thinking about what he believes a hero should do -and if he fulfilled that role.

Ochako is the person who opened up about her complicated feelings towards a villain -while keeping to herself her admiration for certain things-, and probably he wanted to know more about her fight/confrontation. Because Uraraka interrupts him to comment on his hair, they probably haven't talked during their time in the hospital -idk about medical stuff, but im pretty sure he already went thru the operation and had his head shaved in chapter 424, that's why im guessing they were more focused on healing physically than meeting each other.

Because of this, I believe Izuku doesn't know what happened between her and Himiko, and because she probably isn't as relevant for the public as AFO, the end could also be unknown to him, including Ochako's thoughts. But after seeing how she is all okay apparently, chatting like nothing happened just like most of them... he probably felt more alone.

I can't confirm what he feels bc, well, he doesnt say it. Izuku just looks to me like he is looking for someone who could understand his goal of saving a villain, and how it could hurt failing, even if you are glad everyone is okay, but the only people who were open about it -Ochako, who also was focused on stopping and saving a villain who is "not related" to her, and Shoto, who wanted to save his villain brother- don't seem to want to talk about it with him. Like they can move on into other things.

Uraraka seems fine, idk what that says about Himiko's fate -I'm hoping she is okay and we'll get to see it later-, and Todoroki directly says it... is he alone in this? Is he a bad hero bc he couldn't save Shigaraki fully, or because he's stuck in that moment?

This chapter doesnt go against the idea I expressed here -it was a promise to themselves, and he expected Ochako to tell him about the aftermath and the internal conflict of being a hero that saves villains, just like before. But now, Ochako isn't opening up to him, she is keeping it light, and he doesnt want to be a burden.

Izuku rn is isolating himself bc he isn't being vulnerable with others first -the only people he is like that is All Might, and slightly Katsuki because he can't just lie to their faces. Before, both Shoto and Ochako were the ones who would spill their feelings to him, and he expected to be able to also be honest in return -but not being the first one. If he starts it, he risks making others feel sad, angry or down for things they might not even think about, so he prefers to shut up and keep it to himself.

Him and Katsuki... is complicated, because with his feelings he ends up pushing Izuku to places he might not be comfortable with -for example, expressing his admiration and closeness to the point of being nasty and inappropriate, and not hating it bc they are parts of Kacchan. He doesn't feel like he can say that, yet Katsuki makes him see those sides of him instead of focusing on other practical things.

Izuku is a clueless character, who prefers to put others' happiness over his own, and feels conflicted over his fight with Shigaraki. He is the definition of the bad at feelings tag. When he looks for support in the people he knows could be in the same position, and start the conversation for him -give him permission to express his thoughts- he finds they are doing okay. They are not lost, confused, or stuck. They look... fine.

But he is not okay.

Making that moment just an izu///ocha moment... idk, I think that takes a lot from their characters and from Shigaraki and Himiko, like the villains are just tools to make them a couple.

[aiura-stan]

I love the idea that Teruhashi might be thinking this. (I know she isn’t Teruhashi, but still.) It’s so outright aggressive and mean, instead of her more low key “Saiki should be obsessed with me!” thoughts as in canon proper, lol.

Also notable that the first mention of Saiki being markedly different from other people is here: “If a normal person heard them he would undoubtedly have a mental breakdown after three seconds.” Maybe it’s true, probably an exaggeration on Saiki’s part, but it definitely highlights that what he deals with, mentally, is on another level, and he is able to deal with it.

LMAO. this one made me laugh… it’s like yikyak but worse!! like yikyak but including things people wouldn’t even say on there, read out loud… phewww.

Saiki says his powers are “in the wrong” rather than peoples’ thoughts. However, the way he words the second part about how you can’t dress up what’s on the inside strikes me as odd. I was trying to think of the reasoning behind this sort of sentiment that Saiki expresses here, because it repeats later in the manga proper. And I think, it boils down to this incorrect assumption he has, that people’s thoughts are their true feelings. My guess on where comes from is probably either Kuniharu or Kuusuke, who both express a lot of resentment for him. In each of their cases, that really is how they feel, and they make no effort to change it, and there’s not a lot of positive emotion thrown in there either. At least as a child, Kuusuke spent a lot of time actively trying to hurt his brother. And Kuniharu probably did too, if we take all of the examples of him trying to get “revenge” on Kusuo into account.

So it never occurs to him at first that people might have intrusive thoughts, or have thoughts they don’t necessarily believe pass through their heads, or thoughts they ultimately challenge and thoughts that directly contradict their behavior.

Okay angsty rant over lol

‘nother thing that strikes me as funny, not in a good way this time… really now. I have never met a girl who was that jealous of another girl’s boobs. If anything, I’ve met girls who got them too young and wished they hadn’t because of teasing.

Maybe it’s a cultural difference, maybe it’s the fact that a male author wrote this who doesn’t really know (or care) about accurately depicting teenage girls’ concerns in a comedy… anyways.

I beg to differ Saiki… that IS an incredible tattoo and I want to see it… I want that tattoo.. haha. And who cares if some people are bald?? and trans people exist?? Saiki likes to complain about things that do not matter at all. I guess he probably feels like it’s a burden to keep other people’s secrets, or something. He is just a teenager after all.

tbh I kind of wish that Asou had kept this if only for dramatic effect

come on… look at this…

Sigh. I love examples of Saiki interfering with fate just to help someone.

Okay, that’ll do it for part one of this post. Part two in a bit. 💕

[heartfullofleeches]

I need to see Selene having a sweet morning w her neighbor(wife) so bad. She's so cute?? I just wanna see her be happy and making breakfast for/with them while the vibes are good and sleepy. Let this woman get to sleep in and cuddle her lovely neighbor after brutally murdering her husband just the other night

Selene always wanted of a spring wedding.

Beyond being a child of the season, in her eyes it was to be the most romantic - symbolic of the growth between young lovers to lifelong partners. Furthermore, both mother and grandmother had spring weddings - passing their knowledge and the gift of their wedding gown onto the next generation. Its soft emerald hue matched her eyes and the season 0beautifully. She dreamed of walking down the aisle surrounded by love, the cool spring air, and blooming roses.

So why was she here now - cold and without an ounce of love to her name. The artifical bouquet in her hands scratched at the delicate parts of her skin and hair, autumn winds biting her exposed neck and arms. Spring was too much of an inconvenience for her soon to be husband. He hated the outdoors and insects that roamed freely, and so their wedding was set for October in the confines of an old church.

Selene told herself she could be happy. This was meant to be the happiest day of her life and the start of her days as a doting, loving wife, but as she entered the chapel she'd find someone else taking her place. A beautiful soul with a smile that encapsulated everything she loved about spring. Warm and inviting - impossible to forget or ever let go. Dressed in her best, she could never dream be to as angelic as the creature standing up there with her lover. She falls to her knees, begging to be taken instead. To be loved by that angel. To be chains to that demon so he can never hurt them like he's broken her.

"Selene......"

She screams. Take me instead. Take me....

"Ms. Selene!"

Her eyes flutter open. No longer is she crying on the church floor. A gentle hand rubbing her back draws her from slumber, and the remaining tears from her eyes. The stiffness in her spine reminds her of the most uncomfortably comfort night she's had on someone else's couch.

"Ms. Selene, are you okay? You were crying in your sleep when I came to check on you."

Color darkens her pale face as she sits up, deepened by the hand that aids her. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I.... I'm normally not one to dream, and I believe that was the first nightmare I've had in... years.. "

"It's alright, Ms. Selene. You've had a rough night."

Recollection of the night prior barrel through her like a speeding train as she looks up at the face of her savior. She bawled her eyes out at your doorstep, pleading to stay just one night and be gone before down. Her husband had allegedly changed the locks before leaving town and it was too late for her to call anyone else. You offered your home and bed to her as any would do, but she settled for the couch not wanting to be more of a burden than she was.

You give her hand an affirming squeeze - unknowingly kickstarting the beat of her heart. "You have nothing to be sorry for, and you can stay here as long as you need. We'll call a locksmith later so you can get some of your belongings."

It's hard to believe someone that was a stranger only a few short months ago had shown her more kindness than her husband had in all of their years together. Your arm returns to her shoulder as more tears leak from her tired eyes, pulling her into embrace that wash decades of self loathing off her mind. All that lingers in its wake is how she'd kill to spend every morning in your arms - just like this. Even she had to relieve the pain of her past everyday, it would all be worth it to have you.

"Thank you, Y/n. I know we don't know each other well, but words can not describe how luck I am to have you. Without you I don't know where I'd be right now.."

"Ah, don't worry about it. I know you'd do the same for me. Are you hungry?"

She places a hand to her stomach, unsure when the last time she'd eaten. "Seems. Maybe i should make something for us. You've done enough for me already."

"Nah, don't think like that, we can do it together. I have some pancake mix and some fruit in the fridg if that sounds good."

Selene smiles. "That sounds wonderful, dear."

"Cool." Sporting a smile of your own, you lead Selene into the kitchen. You grab a cutting board and knife, placing both on the table as you digging around for the produce in your fridge. Cutting the fruit, Selene has never known more bliss from slicing anything than her husband's throat.

This truly was her new happiest day.

[gurugirl]

Shy | librarian!harry -patreon teaser

2 part story only on Patreon!

Summary: Harry's a painfully shy librarian and he finds Y/n very sweet so when she gets the nerve up to ask him to join her to see her friend's band play he gets nervous about going but figures it'll be his only shot.

1,122 word teaser

📚📚📚📚

As more of her friends arrived everyone pulled tables together and Y/n made sure she kept Harry with her, next to her the whole time. She kept checking in but he was becoming withdrawn bit by bit as her friends were stealing her attention. She tried keeping him in the conversation, asking him his opinion, touching his arm but it was difficult when he would hardly make a peep or look anyone in the eyes.

But the breaking point was when the band was on their second song and Harry had to use the bathroom. He hadn’t been gone long but when he came back a guy was sitting where he had been who had his arm along the back of Y/n’s chair and Y/n was grinning at him the way he wished she’d do to him. And it was probably nothing. But who could know? Harry didn’t know why she invited him. She’d been perfectly nice to him the whole time. And he could tell she was trying to babysit a little. Trying to keep him in the conversation and pulling him along with her but Harry didn’t want any of that.

He hated situations like the one he was in. Meeting new people wasn’t his thing. He wasn’t good at it. So, with a sigh, he pulled his cell phone out of his back pocket and called for an Uber. He’d leave and make it easier for Y/n to enjoy her friends. He didn’t want to feel like a burden and that’s how he felt. And he certainly wouldn’t walk up to the guy sitting in his place and tell him that was where he’d been sitting.

Y/n realized Harry had been gone for quite a while. The band was starting their third song and she looked around the buzzing café and didn’t spot his lavender sweater and dark curls anywhere. She got up and went toward where the bathrooms were and noted both the men’s bathroom doors were open and no one was inside.

Her heart dropped when she thought about what he might have seen as he left the bathroom and Paul was sitting where Harry had been. And now she figured it was possible he just left. She could tell he’d gotten progressively more uncomfortable as more of her friends arrived.

When she didn’t spot him outside either she felt a pang of sadness and hurt. She knew he wasn’t trying to be mean by leaving without saying anything but still… She’d taken a chance and invited him out. Her first attempt at making a move with him and he just left.

Sure she understood that he was painfully shy but not even a heads up that he was leaving? She wished she’d gotten his number but of course, she’d have to wait until Monday to visit him at the library to find out what had happened.

.                 .                 .                

Harry regretted leaving like he did. After he got dropped off at his car he realized it would have been much kinder to say goodbye. But it was too late and now he’d gone and blown it with the girl of his dreams because he couldn’t get his act together. He was destined to be alone for the rest of his life. He wasn’t built for relationships and pursuing a lover.

Hell, he was still a virgin 28. Which was another issue he hated to think about. To tell someone that? Anyone? Social suicide. And certainly, Y/n would think he was some kind of freak.

He couldn’t even bring himself to eat that night. He felt awful for being awful. Y/n had been nothing but kind to him and he just left like an idiot. Surely that would be the end of that. He’d probably never see her again.

Except he did see her again. First thing Monday after opening up the library and starting the pot of coffee for Lin and Priscilla. He walked out when he heard the door chime with the idea that it was one of his co-workers but instead, it was Y/n with a frown on her face and a stack of books in her arms. The ones she had only checked on Saturday. There was no way she’d read them all so quickly.

She placed the books on the counter and Harry readied himself for a terrible interaction with her as his heart pounded in his chest.

“Why did you leave like that the other night?”

Harry dropped his gaze to his feet, “Um… I’m sorry. I felt really bad for that. I wasn’t thinking… I got nervous and just left. I’m sorry, Y/n.”

“Why?” She kept her eyes on him, his face downcast toward the floor.

“I’m too shy. I can’t talk to people. I saw someone sitting next to you and thought maybe it was better if I just left.”

“Well, that was kind of a jerk move. You really hurt my feelings. At first, I even felt bad about it. Like it was my fault.”

Harry’s eyes shot up to hers as he shook his head. He hadn’t wanted her to feel bad.

She continued, “But then the more I thought about it I realized… you probably just don’t even like me to begin with. So… I’m sorry I invited you to something that you hated and that spending time with me was so awful you had to sneak out. But I won’t bother you ever again. I’ll find a new library to go to so you don’t have to ever see me after this. I just wanted to drop the books off and tell you that you hurt my feelings.”

Harry could have cried. He even felt the smallest bit of liquid forming in his eyes as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and shook his head, “No. Please. Y/n… I’m really sorry. I’m awful at this. I do like you… I’m socially awkward and I didn’t mean to do anything that made you feel bad.”

He rushed his words out as he watched her dig into her purse to pull out her library card and place it on the stack of books with finality.

“I’m sure you’re sorry. All I can say is that I put myself out there and invited you so I could get to know you. I thought maybe you wanted to get to know me too. That was probably presumptuous of me. And now I just feel embarrassed.”

Y/n turned but Harry followed. He was desperate and felt like he was about to fall through the earth… that he’d be swallowed by gravelly dirt and sticks and worms and would never be able to claw his way out again.

A/N: If you're interested in reading more consider joining my Patreon! xoxo

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[bluewhitehues]

Hug | Kim Mingyu

Summary: You secretly like your bestfriend chan,he has no idea and sets you up on a blind date with his friend and hyung Mingyu.

Genre: Angst? (Little bit), comfort, strangers to lovers, fluff

Pairing : Idol Kim Mingyu × (f) reader

Part 4

It was Sunday. The boys have their practice today that means mingyu and chan are going to meet. As soon as Mingyu goes to the practice room he spots chan but chan tries to avoid him lingering by seokmins side.

"YOU you fuvker come here right now-"

Mingyu tries to grab him while Chan's shoving a confused seokmin in between them he's asking what's this about ,what happened.

"This bastard told me he'd set me up on a date with y/n, turns out he told her it's a blind date instead of telling her it's a date with me"

"Ah hyuuung.. come on I tried my best for you two I had no other way i thought this would be the best option" chan whined

"Yah dino-ya that isn't nice, think about how he must've felt he was so excited to go" Seokmin scolds chan.

"Exactly my point ...what best option chan, did you even think about me? I thought she agreed on a date because she likes me as well ..did you think my feelings were a joke? Or am I that desperate that you'd have to lie to her for a date ? If I had known I'd find some other way to do it myself do you think I couldn't ask her myself? " Mingyu asks.. there's hurt clear in his eyes.

Chan feels terrible now his voice gets small when he speaks ,"hyung I'm so sorry...I should have thought about you more I didn't think that far, trust me I just wanted you two to get along and may be like each other cause you both are so precious to me and you both are one of the most amazing people I know ...I swear I just thought about your happiness."

Mingyu sighs," you shouldn't have done that but it's ok I forgive you."

He can't stay mad at his little brother for long anyway.

Chan hugs him suddenly, he really does feel very bad, "I'm sorry again hyungg you know I love you right?"

Mingyu pats his back while rolling his eyes, but he's smiling, "yeah yeah I love you too but never pull such stunts again."

Meanwhile there's jeonghan, hoshi and basically all the boys staring at them, they heard everything obviously.

"so you went on a date? That too with y/n ? And you didn't tell us?" Seungkwan speaks for everyone while they are nodding along with him waiting for mingyu to answer.

"It was a first date I didn't know what will happen ofcourse I was going to tell you all if it all worked out-" chan cuts him off, talking with his eyes widened, "wait a minute..it didn't go well?"

"I didn't say that."

"Then? " Chan asks again.

"I mean uh she was pretty shocked ..she didn't think it'd be me , so I didn't want to make her anymore uncomfortable, so we just talked normally, we went out for a walk then I dropped her off ."

"THAT'S IT??" Chan asked his eyes comically wide.

"uh yeah like I didn't want to burden her so I said we can be friends."

At this, they all collectively facepalm themselves.

"Seriously mingyu??? FRIENDS???" hoshi says looking at mingyu like he's ridiculous.

Jeonghan also steps in, "yeah like it was a date right? no romantic lovey dovey thing happened? Instead of asking her for another date you asked her to be friends?"

"You didn't even try to flirt with her or something? " Says Seungcheol.

"I did all this for nothing then" chan says in disbelief.

Mingyu closes his eyes, rubbing his hand on his forehead frustratingly at their questions. "Can you all just drop it please? I'll manage by myself thank you."

"yeah just lets get back to practice." Wonwoo says rubbing mingyu's back comfortingly.

Then they go on with their day.

And you, You're enjoying your weekend resting at home. When you get Chan's text.

Dinosaur 🦖: So you frienzoned mingyu hyung??

You: WHAT??? He said that??

You're confused Mingyu wouldn't do that, would he?

Dinosaur 🦖: No he said you were shocked,he didn't want to make you uncomfortable so he suggested you can be just friends.

Dinosaur 🦖: But hello I'm disappointed?? I even planned your wedding in my head and what did you do? You frienzoned each other 🤐🤐👏🏻👏🏻just great

You: woah woah no one told you to get that excited buddy and definitely not on a date which you planned by lying

Dinosaur 🦖: Pleaseee I said I'm sorry and don't make me feel more guilty I was already about to cry if mingyu hyung didn't forgive me...I don't think I can ever trouble him again even jokingly

You: was it that bad? Is he ok?

You can't help but feel bad thinking about him.

Dinosaur 🦖: well it's all my fault.. but girl atleast now you take some effort 🙄 I've found you such a great match and you're gonna keep him as your friend??

Dinosaur 🦖: God y/n even god wouldn't forgive such a thing.. I hate to say it but girls would die to be at your place right now.. GAME UPPPP I will even give you tips on how to flirt if you want

You roll your eyes at that.

You: Oh please I'm great at flirting you're the last person I'd take help from, you've done enough just go and focus on your practice for now..byeee

Dinosaur 🦖: BYE🙄🤐

Your thoughts take you to Mingyu again, "he must be hurt", "should I talk to him?", "what if he thinks I'm pitying him."

Your train of thoughts get interrupted by another ping of your phone , you pick it up to see mingyu's name on it.

On the other hand, Mingyu promises himself that he won't be sad anymore cause what is there to be sad about right? He's always the one who thinks about the brighter side of the situation, everyone says he's just too positive and hopeful even in the worst situations but Mingyu takes pride in that .. cause not many people have it, it takes a lot to be that positive,that courageous, that happy. So he's just gonna be himself.

Cause before yesterday, First- he didn't have your number, Second-you weren't on talking basis/you had zero connection, Three- He didn't have you even as a friend.. so for him it's win is a win kind of situation.

You read his text.

Mingyu : Heyy ..so chan asked me something about your purse??

You: oh shitt I forgot to tell you ..I lied about that to get your number from him 🫢

Mingyu: well don't worry I covered for you, you owe me something now👀 ..also should've asked me for my number directly, I'm more than willing to give it to you.

ONE THING ABOUT MINGYU IS HE WILL FLIRT, and your heart will suffer . Well in his defence he said you will be friends...there was no part where he mentioned he won't flirt or he won't try to woo you. So it seems you just gotta prepare yourself.

You huff at his reply, you started talking to him just from yesterday but you already got to know that this boy was a flirt ..a smooth one at that.

And were you feeling giddy, were you blushing? Well may be

You: Oh I'd have definately..asked it by myself. But you see it was an eventful day so kind of forgot to ask ...also yes I do owe you a big one, for yesterday as well ..tell me what I can do ? How about a meal?

Mingyu: Wouldn't that be a date?

You: it'd be whatever we will treat it as ..we said we'd be friends so it'll be us trying to build our friendship may be? Come on friends go to eat together all the time

Mingyu: Fair enough then, when will we go ?

You: Um I've work from tomorrow i'd be only free at dinner time 😕 is next week ok? If yes let me know when you're available

Mingyu: oh that's sad:( .. okay will go next week I'll let you know the time.

You: okayy cool ..see you then :)

Mingyu: Yes take care :))

You don't know but he's smiling at his phone right now, just as you are :)

In evening you meet chan he had promised you a meal so he's here at your apartment with lots of take out food and cake and muffins.

His practice was almost a day long so you had told him to just go home and take rest you'll plan to meet some another time . But he improvised the plan and came here.

You take all the food from him happily smiling looking at it..."Woahh you brought so much food"

He gives a toothy grin to you, "well I know you, I knew it'd keep you occupied "

You instantly stopped smiling and blinked at him ,"oh damn you almost had me distracted" you blink at him again.

He knows something is going to happen now, he is on alert..Then you're placing all the food down on the table, going to the couch grabbing a pillow andddddd he is running then, you run behind him.

"You asshole I promised myself i'd beat you up stop right there you bratttt"

He's screaming when you reach him and hit him with the pillow, "Ahhhhh this feels like some deja vu" he's running again and then going behind couch, giving those puppy eyes ..."I'm hungry" blink blink "I'm so tired and I was dancing the whole day, I'm so exhausted already and you're not even letting me eat I said sorry now stopp"

Your mouth hangs open at his antics..you huff..."Should learn emotional blackmailing from you ,go and wash your hands I'll get the plates"

He gives you a big big bright smile and runs to give you a quick hug before going to wash his hands.

You smile at him shaking your head.

You guys eat your food while talking.

He keeps asking about the date, so you tell him that it kinda got ruined because you were nervous so to make it up to Mingyu you decide to take him out for a meal .. he's teasing you about how it's a date when you keep denying it isn't.

"I don't know about you but on our planet here we humans call it a date" he says smugly.

You roll your eyes at him "whatever chan it's a friendly date then."

He shakes his head at you, saying you're impossible.

"Btw do you remember yunjin?"

"yeah the girl you're currently seeing ?"

"Yeah her...I think it's going to work out for me this time." He's smiling softly at his plate like he's thinking about her..."She's nice".

"woah woah look at you all blushing Lee chan"

He laughs," I just- I really hope it works out this time .. I've always wanted a serious relationship and this time it seems like it'd work ...I'm serious and I feel she is too." He says while smiling looking at you.

And honestly you want that for him as well.Cause he looks so happy just talking about her so sincerely. Whatever you thought about him you were never that childish to be jealous and think I wish I was the girl. No , you can't force someone's feelings. If he feels that for someone you'd always root for him. You always pray for your close people's happiness and he's one of them so why wouldn't you want that.

You coo at him.."Aww, I'm really rooting for you Chan you deserve it you deserve every happiness in this world."

He smiles at you, "thank you y/n, I'm also rooting for you" and then he dramatically winks at you. You know exactly what he's saying so you groan and threaten him to stab him with the fork if he doesn't shut up. He laughs at you.

Part 5

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A/n:Hey lovely readers, this is it for today hope you enjoy it💗

Also the female reader isn't someone too deeply hurt or too deeply in love (about chan) she is not the jealous type, she has made her peace with everything so you won't see her feeling all these emotions deeply.

[team7-headquarter]

There's no way I can analyze the Team 7 dynamic before saying a bunch of stuff about Sakura.

Most vital parts of her character in relation to the theme of the story get completely overlooked in favor of #GirlPower, making her just part of a ship or hating her without taking a moment to really dive in how she exists on the Naruto world.

What do you mean you can't remember Haku's speech on how in the shinobi system people want to become tools for the people they love and how it connects to Sakura later becoming a medic nin?

What do you mean you can't see how she was not given proper continuation to her Naruto classic breakthrough in the Chunning Exams + after the Sasuke Retrieval mission? And before someone can say her only realization was has been useless all that time, it's even more important!! She knew she had been unfair to Naruto for treating him so bad and expecting him to shoulder all her burdens like nothing, that she did a disservice to Sasuke too by not acting as her teammate but basically asking him to rescue himself and Naruto it failed. She makes a promise to herself to grow for her and not someone else, to become a kunoichi and focus on her career instead of letting times drag her around, she makes herself a promise that she won't be powerless anymore, because her friends deserve it and she deserves it.

Naruto Classic even makes a point of letting her go back into her old ways out of stress and the minute she notices what she has done, what she did to Sasuke and Naruto, she apologizes to him (Naruto) and promises to burden the weight of the promise he made with him— that's why, back then, Shikamaru and Tsunade were able to smile to both Sakura and Naruto, seeing their courage in the face of Sasuke leaving.

Shippuden just repeats and exploits those scenes in new ways, bringing Sakura back at the start for the sake of drama or ship baiting. What Sai told Sakura and how it leads to Sakura fake confession makes no sense given the hospital room scene!!!! She knows she hurt him, she saw it back then!!!! She knows he suffers for her and that's why she promised to go after Sasuke with him next time! She apologized for her behavior and she worried about Naruto's wellbeing and she ran to ask to be Tsunade's apprentice because she knew!!!!

It makes no sense!!!

Her arc in the Classic is supposed to be about how she doesn't have a definition of herself that she feels belong in the world, so she hides behind pretences. During their presentation, you learned more about Sasuke than Sakura. She was on the same level of Kakashi revealing nothing about her life. The Chunning Exams start with Kakashi all worried that her lack of confidence/independence would force her into the exams. She realizes how little she has truly work on her own self during the Sound shinobis attack and cuts her hair, swearing she'll do better. It's her sense of self HIDDEN SO DEEP WITHIN HER, what break a technique that is not supposed to be capable of being broken.

The Classics portraits Sakura as being annoying and naive and causing damage through ignorance but it always Sakura to grow. She learns and she's able to keep that knowledge. She's neglected by Kakashi in her training, but she's able to seek a sensei for herself —and that's an important thing for her! She's not waiting for someone to teach her or recommend her! She has agency now! She has gone so far, evolved so much!

Sakura offering herself as a puppet to Chiyo is not about lack of independence, it's Sakura showing that she acknowledged and accepted the Shinobi philosophy of being a weapon. She's still Sakura, too sentimental, too willing to jump to shield the life of another, but now it gives Tsunade's energy. Those women turn weakness into power, love and fear into determination. Sasori allows them to kill him because the battle was never about the knifes and always about the dispute on points of views.

It's a battle of philosophies: Chiyo and Sakura won

But after that? There are moments of importance and coherence, but the story starts regressing her progress in favor of some angst with Naruto or Sasuke and it kills their dynamics. The storytelling is messy —not cohesive enough. Contradictions start to appear everywhere. It's not even a form to being depth into her characterization, it's clear it's nothing but indecision, confusion, too many lines to take so you take several and end up mixing it.

The Sakura from the Classic was unknowable for her teammates. Naruto couldn't see her struggles because he was too young. Sasuke could see it, but he didn't want to engage with it 'cause he had his own agenda. They had their dreams and they were her dream. They were far more developed and on a different stage of their storylines, while Sakura was far behind, a late bloomer.

Her whole story is about her trying to catch up with them not in power, not in importance, but merely on the idea of having work on herself enough that she can't stand on her own and do something on her own and mean something of her own, without them, outside of them, so their dynamics can mature too.

Must mention that I'm not talking about romance at all, but you can't avoid it a lot because romance is one of the obstacles in their relationships. The love triangle and later the nostalgia encourages them all to see the others through the lenses of idealization or through memories. It's not until the end of the Classic that the masks fall, with Sasuke forcing it. He forces Naruto and Sakura to grow, the same way the violent reality of the Waves arc forced them to face the nature of the shinobi life.

The main conflict of part 1 is that they were kids.

Then Shippuden (with all the love in the world, I love Shippuden so much but wait a minute) goes the coward route. It pretends to be all mature and political and then avoids the real problems, never continuating that personality traits presented in the Classic that would lead Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke to take different decisions that what they took later on the manga.

Naruto wanted to semanticsize the word shinobi after Zabuza! Sakura questioned the system right then and Kakashi had to give a speech about it!!!! The real context of Sasuke leaving is not "oh no, Sasuke you can't be a rebel!!", it's the knowledge that Orochimaru wants to experiment on him and he already has without Sasuke's consent and he (Sasuke) was in real danger by going forward with the cursed mark! The other kids only knew about Orochimaru through the tell of how he killed the Hokage, but Sakura and Naruto fought with him on the Forest of Death!!

Sakura says all she says to try and stop Sasuke for leaving because it is a director callback to their conversation after Naruto transformed in Sasuke and tried to kiss her. Sasuke said Sakura made him sick because she didn't know what how lonely was horrible and dared to talk about it without knowing and saying stuff like she would be better without her parents. So Sakura tries to tell him on that night, look! I'm feeling it now! If this is how you were feeling then stay! Or take me with you! She plays with the fact he must remember that conversation. This time she's not thinking "I want to overwhelm him with sex appeal", mouth full of words she doesn't comprehend. She's saying "I love you!" because she still doesn't comprend how Sasuke feels, but she knows how she feels now.

She's gone a long way, but she still has further to go and Sasuke would never mess with her own development. He would never do that to her. He can't talk to Sakura, she won't get it, she still has to learn about the world, so he won't waste more words. So he thanks her. Who knows what for, but he thanks her. Her ignorance's annoying to no end but he appreciates how she, despite the barriers, tries to reach him anyway. She lacks the words or the method or the strength, but she tries anyway.

For him.

It's very much the same with Naruto. She turns herself into a weapon for them both and she even internalizes the cruelty of the shinobi world, that she had to treat Sasuke like the enemy and fight him like the enemy and stop him for commiting more crimes (view from the Konoha perspective), but she fails. She can't. She does the same thing Tsunade did to poison the people she loved and tried to solve it on her own, but in both cases they were lying to themselves. They wanted an easy way out. I kill you, it's over, I don't have to deal anymore with the pain your own decisions bring me because I can't stop you, you're your own person. They KNOW it and the fold under the knowledge of it, okay?

Naruto is a jinchuriki and they are hunting him to kill him and she can't do nothing, because going on with those missions is Naruto's decisions and not hers. She's selfish in wanting them save and sound! It is bad and it is human! She is erasing them as their own persons! She loves them so so much! She acts several times on her desire to go back and pretend everything is okay and then her friends have to correct her, sometimes gentle or sometimes reprimanding her. As tempting as it is to close your eyes and pretend, it can't be. That's the only reason why she didn't fell for the lure of the Eternal Tsukuyomi: her whole life has been about learning why that living of illusions won't bring happiness to anyone.

Shippuden somehow traps her in that realization like a personal hell. I love you both. You are willing to sacrifice your wellbeing for your dreams. I can't do nothing. I can only cry and ask you to stop and do something reckless and try to use myself as a living shield. But I can't do nothing. You are your own beings and you will destroy yourselves if you want to. I can only sit, wait and see if I can mend you later. I can only deal with the afterwards. I can only control my reactions to your actions.

Making her a medic is amazing because she has to wait for one of them to start bleeding to come in the scene. They will never allow her to fight for them in the way they did for her in the Classic, for multiple reasons —including just how important is agency and free will for both Naruto and Sasuke.

When people say she's useless? Or have no place in the narrative? Or bring nothing to the table? Or speaks in no way about the failures and cruelty if the shinobi system? When people don't get that she's Naruto and Sasuke narrative foil in terms of her arc being narrated in a completely different way with different aspects? That's she's all they're not or can't be or can't have or weren't allowed to be? When people erase her from the dynamics of Team 7 and don't see the gaping hole they left in her absence?

It makes me utterly insane. All members of Team 7, the original and all the Shippuden versions, are relevant to the themes. All of them.

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

The Arcana HCs: How you hurt the M6

~ I want to be clear again that when hurt people hurt other people, it's not a sign of closeness, it's proof of a need for growth. Healthy relationships will take those signs seriously instead of brushing them off - brainrot ~

This is the sequel to

How the M6 hurt you

TW for angst, yelling, accidental food shaming, saying things you don't mean, and watching your loved one be deeply hurt by what you said or did

Julian

You don't know when last you were this emotionally exhausted. It feels like all week has been nothing but listening to other people unload their burdens while you barely have a moment to yourself

It also hasn't helped that Julian's picked up one of the viruses going around and has been bedridden for the last three days

At least, he should be staying in bed. But he keeps getting up because he doesn't like giving you extra things to worry about, only to make things worse by overexerting himself and defeating his own cause

At this point you've had it up to the nose with other people's problems. Do you like helping? Yes! Do you like helping as much when people don't even stop to ask how you've been or if you have time? No! And especially not when you're starting to catch Julian's sniffles too

Against all the odds, you've managed to finish everything early and you're just getting ready to go to bed and get some much-needed rest and alone time when Julian appears in the doorway

Just the sight of him not in bed where he should be adds to your frustration, but you take a breath and meet his sorrowful gaze

"Why are you up, Julian? Are you alright?"

And he, not noticing the bags under your eyes or the vein popping in your forehead, begins his lament

How sorry he is for burdening you like this, how terrible it is of him to expose you to sickness like this, how you don't deserve to live like this, all while he remains the only thing literally standing between you and the sweet, sweet rest of your shared bed

You nod sympathetically and begin to step around him, hoping he'll follow you back to bed to sleep, but then he's placing both hands on your shoulders to hold your attention as he tells you why you shouldn't have to waste said attention on him. It's the last thing you need to snap

"Dammit, Julian, I'm already worn down because of you! If you wanted me to be happy you'd leave me alone already!"

You're regretting your words as they're leaving your mouth, but you don't realize the broader implications of what you've said until you see the look of horror and hurt on his face

"I-I'm so sorry, Julian, I didn't mean it like that, I meant -"

"I understand what you meant." He's shrinking away from you, fever-chapped lips trembling as he goes to the door to put on his coat. "I'll leave you alone so you can be happy."

You're left standing in an empty house, struggling to keep your mind awake enough to figure out what to do next. It takes longer than you would like for you to snap out of it and rush out the door after him, wondering where he would go in the early night

He's not at the Docks. He's not at the Rowdy Raven. At this point you're too panicked to keep thinking so you run over to Mazelinka's, hoping for direction and advice. She doesn't look very impressed to see you when she opens the door

"Before I let you in. Tell me what you did to that boy to make him knock at my door instead of sneaking in through my window."

And with tears on your face and panicked, shaky breaths, you tell her what you said and how it happened and how you don't need to know where he is right now, just make sure he's alright, please

When you finally stop talking she turns away from the door and address the trapdoor in the floor that's ever so slightly cracked open. "Well? Are you coming out now or are you sleeping down there?"

Julian slowly emerges, puffy-eyed and shaky, and meets you at the door with a quiet "Let's go home." You nod and get ready to follow him down the sidewalk when a wooden spoon appears across your chest. You look over into Mazelinka's steely gaze, reminded all at once that her grip is that of a pirate more than a cook

"You hurt him like this again," she murmurs, "and the Devil gets a kinder fate."

Julian is quick to forgive, but it takes much longer to silence the angry words you sent ringing into his head

Asra

Living without any memories from before three years ago is hard

It's like joining a class with only six weeks left in the school year. Everyone around you has history - either with each other, or from somewhere else that they get to share over a dinner table and find ways to bond over it. But you've got nothing

It doesn't help that everyone around you knows more about your past than you do. They remember how you ran your shop before the plague, they remember the catchphrases and jokes you'd use to chat with customers, they remember more of you than you do

And nobody wants to tell you

You know that you have friends. There's Selasi, the baker, Nadia and Julian and Portia, Asra's parents Aisha and Salim, and even Muriel seems to be warming up to you begrudgingly

But the silence in your neighborhood is loud when you walk through it, even if it's become fond after your efforts to stop the Devil. You're tired of the quiet - you want to hear someone talk to you with answers and stories already!

You've been stewing on these thoughts for several hours now, starting from a particularly silent customer and continuing through shop closing and clean up. Asra walks in the back door in time to see you grumble and give the counter a particularly harsh wipe

"Did the counter do something to offend you, my love?"

You huff and shake your head, trying to distract yourself with something less irritating. You watch them set their bag down in the corner, full of mysterious parcels. "How was your day?"

"Better now that I'm with you." He's peering at you fondly from under his eyelids, and you ignore the flare of frustration at the typically vague response that doesn't answer your question

"I see you did some shopping, where did you go?" Give me something, you think, give me anything that's present and real to think about

They falter slightly, the way they do whenever they're about to reference a place or person or thing you used to know, and then smoothly sidle up to you. "Oh, you know. Here and there."

You flinch away when he reaches for you, your frustration crashing across your brain as a wave of anger. "Here and there? Just like all of the other places you've been? All the places I don't know about because nobody will tell me?"

You see the hurt pooling in their face, and knowing that half of it is their empathy for your own pain somehow makes it worse. Especially when their only response is silence. Damn the silence

"Why does nobody tell me anything? Why don't you tell me anything? You brought me back all on your own, why don't you try addressing the problem for once? Or are you just going to leave me alone, without anything to help me, again?"

You're stunned by the words coming out of your mouth. You knew that what you were saying wasn't true, you knew that every word would wound him, and somehow you couldn't stop until that accusatory again merited its own silence

You can see them bracing against their need to turn and walk out, and you're hoping for their sake they do, but instead they're dragging their feet one step closer, eyes on the floor

"I'm not going to leave you alone again," he mumbles, voice cracking, "Not unless you want me to." And five seconds later he's putting his arms around you, ignoring his own hurt to take care of you - again, even though you can feel him shaking from your anger

"I'm sorry," you tell them, "I'm sorry, I was wrong. That's not true. I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm so sorry -"

"It's okay," he's telling you, even though he's not. "It's okay for you to be angry at me. You didn't ask for any of this, and I failed you."

No! you're screaming in your mind, it's not ok! because you can feel the pain twisting under their ribs at your stinging accusations and you know they're doing everything they can to hide that from you

Asra's love for you is steadfast, but he doesn't trust lightly and it'll be several weeks before he's able to tell you how badly you hurt him

Nadia

You know that you're not stupid. And you know that, technically, nobody else really thinks you're stupid. You know for certain that Nadia would tell you all about your attractive intelligence given the chance and the hours on end that she would require

You know all of this, and yet

Sometimes Nadia's desire to provide for your every need translates into keeping track of every project you're working on and every problem requiring a magician that you're in charge of fixing

And her way of helping is offering her thoughts and opinions and advice. Which, granted, is always helpful when you ask for it. But most of the tips you've been getting recently are unsolicited

Half the time her advice is to do the thing that you were already planning on doing, which after a while is enough reason to not want to do it anymore

But you keep biting your tongue and nodding along, because you love her and the last thing you want to do is talk to her like you think she doesn't have anything helpful to offer

It's mid morning and the work day is in full swing. Nadia's touring around the palace and grounds today, overseeing basic building maintenance, and you're hunched over the intricate blueprints for the Flooded District, figuring out where magical aid is needed

You're just circling a ramshackle bridge which would make the ideal spot to control water flow from when two silky arms wrap around your torso from behind and you're surrounded by her floral perfume. "And how is my darling magician this morning?"

You're getting ready to respond when you feel her shift and focus on the papers in front of you. Don't do it, you think in annoyance as she leans away in order to get a better look, Don't say that -

"That bridge would be a good location to direct water flow from. You should consider utilizing it in your plans, MC."

You rein in your annoyance and nod. "That's why I have it circled."

"Oh!" She laughingly traces your pencil marks. "So you do." She turns to you, smug approval radiating from her cocked brow. "I hadn't noticed. My magician is even sharper than normal today."

The irritation flares up even stronger than before. Maybe if you stopped butting in you'd realize I'm always this competent, you think, but you bite it back at the last minute

She's turning back to keep studying your materials, her angle effectively blocking you from being able to see what she's looking at, and you're trying not to say anything, you really are, but then she's straightening up and asking "Have you thought of -"

"Yes," you interrupt her, frustration bleeding into your tone, "yes, I have." The reprimanding look she gives you only makes it worse. "Or at least, I'd have the chance to think of it if I wasn't being constantly hijacked."

Nadia frowns and raises her chin. "You've implemented every piece of advice I've given you. I fail to see how that counts as hijacking."

"It's not advice if I'm already planning on doing it!" You're blurting out all the things you haven't said now, louder and angrier than you would ever intend to. "You haven't even asked if I wanted your help, you just keep assuming you know better! I don't want your help!"

Her face drops all expression and her eyes grow cold. "I see," she says quietly, and then "I'll take my leave, then."

It's not until she doesn't join you for lunch that you begin to realize how badly you messed up. After all the hurt she harbored from her older siblings treating her like she couldn't do anything, your own words were the confirmation of her worst doubts

You don't want to force her to listen to you, but you know the longer you leave things the more she'll internalize what you've said. You spend your afternoon writing your detailed apology instead of working on your plans, and give it to Chandra that evening

Nadia joins you on the terrace after dinner, her presence alone bearing the promise of her forgiveness. The hurt you've caused, however, is going to take much longer to heal

Muriel

You've been unusually hungry recently. Days in the woods are already cooler and damper than they are in the crowded Vesuvian streets, and now with winter coming on your body has been begging you for the calories it needs to stay warm

There are multiple things you've failed to account for as the one who usually does the grocery shopping. First, your own increase in appetite, second, Muriel's increase in appetite, and third, the cold front that had appeared out of nowhere five days ago

Muriel himself has expressed surprise at how much he's been eating recently, but you can see it as the outcome of him learning not to deprive himself of good things in order to not take up space

You've spent all morning busy in the woods while Muriel does his rounds, and your stomach started rumbling an hour ago. It doesn't help that your clothes are too thin for the weather - that's another item on tomorrow's shopping list

The trees are rushing by as you hustle back. You've been saving a stewed meat pie in the back of the cupboard for a hangry day, and with the way you're getting annoyed at every root that trips you up today is the day to toast it up and eat it

Inanna's alone in the hut when you walk in, so you begin chattering to her mindlessly as you head to the cupboards to pull out your lunch. Your mutters get more and more frustrated as you open cupboard after cupboard, letting the doors bang shut

"I swear Inanna, I'm so hungry right now it's starting to hurt. Where in all the realms did I leave that damned -"

And you look over at the table to see an empty plate, speckled with familiar pastry crumbs. You laugh humorlessly, speaking completely unfiltered to the wolf on the bed

"Of course, Muriel ate it!" You're not mad at him, you're glad if anything that he felt free to eat what you bought, but you're ticked at having to wait another hour to forage and cook something.

"Why even bother buying something for later if it won't even be there? I get that he's a big guy, but does he really need to eat so much? I'm going to starve if this keeps up!"

You're almost shouting at this point, finding a strange joy in your exaggerated performance, until a whine from Inanna's direction causes you to pause. It's that second of silence that lets you hear the shuffle of a large pair of feet not knowing where to walk to next

You spin around, horrified, in time to see Muriel's shoulders hunching down and turning away from the open door. You're scrabbling to catch up to him in the clearing and manage to grab his sleeve

"Muriel, I'm so sorry, I -" How do you begin to explain this? Even worse is the way he refuses to look at you, head tilted down and away in an expression of shame, guilt, and regret. You take a breath and start with what you want him to know most

"I don't think you're too big. And I don't think you eat too much, and I'm not mad, I promise, I love you much more than pie."

His mouth twitches and he turns his face to look at you, which you take as permission to continue your confused explanation: "I was - I was just ... joking?"

His face falls into a scowl before you can blink, and he yanks his sleeve from your hand. "Don't lie to me," he grits out.

"I'm not lying! I wasn't even that hungry, I was just frustrated, and -" you're cut off by your stomach making a loud growl. Muriel's face twists in something akin to pain and he stalks off, head and shoulders hunched down as tight as the day you met him

You know you don't have a chance of catching up to him on an empty stomach, so you watch hopefully as Inanna melts into the trees after him and turn to the nearby woods to forage

The afternoon passes slowly. You have nothing to do but wait for him to return - if he returns at all, and the hut is cold and dark without him

You're able to greet him with a better apology and the biggest, heartiest hot meal you could make in one afternoon, but it's a long time before you see him eat without hesitation again

Portia

You love Portia's optimism. It's easily the steadiest, most uplifting thing in your life and she can turn any daunting or overwhelming situation into the start of a grand and exciting adventure

It doesn't matter what you're facing down, she's right next to you, rolling up her sleeves with a can-do attitude and plowing ahead

Some things, though, have a degree of complexity that require more than a can-do attitude and a determination to move forward no matter the obstacle. Some things are complicated, tedious, painstaking, and drawn out so long you forget why you're doing it

The puzzle you're working away at is one of those things. Since you've started traveling the world with Portia, you've encountered all kinds of magic that you'd never heard of before, and it's given you a hope that she's pushed you to pursue

You're trying to get your memories back

And it's exhausting. It's been month after month of researching and documenting, staying up late into the night brainstorming with new leads until your creativity feels strained enough to be as sore as a pulled muscle, all for tiny pieces of the solution

Portia's been your star, staying awake with you and doing her best to follow along on a subject she's never been taught, always giving you a pep talk to push just a bit farther

But that push is starting to feel like pressure. After months of keeping at it, all you want is either a breakthrough or a break

Portia walks in on your little meltdown, in time to see you lean back in your chair, sigh, and then groan as you begin to pack away your notes and samples and books

"Uh-uh!" She's tugging on your elbow cheerfully, nudging you to sit back down. "Come on, MC, I know you can do this! We just need -"

"To push a little harder?" You finish her sentence for her, letting out a tired laugh and rubbing at the ache behind your eyes. "I don't think so. Not today, at least."

"What?" she asks teasingly, "are you just giving up? Don't tell me I need to give you a good kick in the ass like my brother."

You feel your eyebrows scrunch together, plagued by both your discouragement with your project and the feeling of failing to be the exciting, brilliant magician Portia has so much faith in

"I can't do this anymore, Portia. The answer's been at the edge of my brain for weeks, and I still can't find it. I need a break."

"No, you don't!" There's so much hope and excitement in her voice it makes you feel sick. She grabs your shoulders and leans in so close you can see the spark dancing in her eyes. "You just told me it's right there, so reach for it! Maybe you have everything already, maybe you just need to make yourself remember!"

"No!" The overwhelming hopelessness and shame claw their way out of your throat as aggression. "No, it won't work. Do you even know what that does to me? Do you have missing memories?"

She falters, smile fading. "No, but ... no, I don't."

"Then how could you understand?" You see her frown as you start to gesture wildly at the months of research. "You don't even understand most of this, much less what I'm dealing with! I'm sorry I can't live up to your expectations, but I can't just fix this!"

She's scowling now, chin wobbly, but her stubbornness wins out. "I don't expect you to be perfect, MC, but I'm not letting you give up. I know us. When you're with me, I can do anything, and I know you feel the same way about me too."

"Not about this." You slump in your seat, staring listlessly at your mess. "I know what I'm dealing with, I know what I'm doing, and I know I'm not enough." You see her getting ready to start studying your notes and try to make sense of them for the hundredth time, and lay a hand on her wrist. "And you aren't enough either."

She freezes, yanks her hand away, and storms out the door with a broken sob. It's not until you see her reaction that you realize the extent of what you've said to her and seek her out to apologize

She's quick to forgive you when you admit you were wrong, but it's a long time before she joins you at your research again

Lucio

It's been exciting to watch him grow and change. You know that every time he shows a little more patience or acknowledges a mistake, it's a hard-earned victory. Changing yourself requires effort, and you've watched him put in the blood, sweat and tears

It's especially beautiful to see the way he connects to other people now - before, his desire for friendship led him to bribe masses of people to his side. Now, all he has to do is find a common interest and everyone at the tavern table is drawn to his enthusiasm

On a night like this, though, it's harder to hold onto your admiration of him. The two of you encountered a group of young mercenaries on the road, and what started as advice from someone older and wiser became a swap of war stories

He's yelling excitedly about the adrenaline rush of sending his blade through an enemy's ribs, instructing the younger mercenaries on how to aim for the heart, and you feel your own sink

His smile looks crueler in the flickering candlelight, his laugh harsh and grating as one of his new friends shares their own gruesome torture suggestions, and you soon give into the compulsion to stand and make your excuses to retire early

It's hard to look at his face when his eyes show concern for your quietness, and you miss the way his gaze follows you out the door

You lie in bed, tuning out the raucous laughter from the tavern, and try to sleep. You're spiraling into the past, all of the evidence of his cruelty and selfishness overshadowing the man you've shared your life with for the last several years

Long before the Lazaret became a funeral pyre, he was just like the brutes fawning over him now, delighting in battle and bargaining away the living hearts of others for his own gain

You flinch when you hear him bang open the door to the room you've rented for the night, matching the motions of the Count of Vesuvia to the sounds of him removing his armored gauntlet and preparing for bed

"Did you hear those kids?" His voice breaks the stillness when he notices your open eyes. "Little idiots, just 'cause they got some blood on their knives, they think they're the best of the trade. Don't worry baby, I showed them."

He bends to kiss your cheek as he climbs into bed next to you, and you turn to face his shadow in the dark. "Show them what? How to kill more effectively?"

"Yes?" His voice comes floating back confused. "I did? Gotta aim for the heart if you want a clean kill."

"A clean kill?" You can hear the disgust bleeding into your voice, but you can't stop. "What else did you tell them about?"

"Oh, you know, just the deals I made, and the plague, and the masquerade." He sighs wistfully. "I thought they should know what they were really aiming for."

You snap and sit up in bed, taking the covers with you. "I can't believe you! You - why? Why would you lead even more people to their deaths? Do you even care at all about what happened to Vesuvia? To me?" You ignore the sounds of him shuffling frantically around, crossing your arms over your chest. "You really haven't changed at all, have you?"

Click

The sudden flare of the lamp by your bed shows Lucio's expression, one arm reached out to give him light to see you properly, his face a frozen mask of fear at your icy disapproval

"MC - I didn't - I thought if I told them about my oopsies they would know better." You see him swallow and fight back the tears at the corners of his eyes, brows furrowed in concern. His voice is small and hurt. "You really think I haven't changed at all?"

You can see his doubt, his hope in your faith in him being hurled back in his face, and you rush to apologize

He forgives you once he sees your regret and hears you admitting your mistake, but he doesn't bring his past up again so easily